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lifygreens · 4 years ago

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The Definitive List of Cids, Rated on DILFness

Ah, Cid. Few things are as quintessentially Final Fantasy as a guy usually involved with machinery in general and airships specifically with a pointlessly recurring name. First introduced in Final Fantasy II, a Cid has appeared in pretty much every single game in the series since. He was even retroactively added to Final Fantasy I in remakes. Why does he exist? Why does anything in Final Fantasy exist? Don’t question the Sacred Texts.

Recently, a friend of mine introduced me to a picture of a Cid that I was previously unacquainted with, and it filled me with existential dread. I scrambled to discover what it was about this Cid that was so upsetting to me, and I finally found it. This Cid was, completely and utterly, lacking in the most important quality of a Cid: the Daddy Factor. For a Cid to be a good Cid, there must be a certain level of DILF energy exuding from him.

After realizing this, I did the only logical thing: I make a definitive list of every Cid in the series and rate their Daddiness. Because science demands it. And because humanity demanded it. I hope you enjoy my mistake. I sure did.

Final Fantasy I/Dissidia Final Fantasy- Cid of the Lufaine

We only physically seen as a moogle, which are notable for being un-DILFy. He was a part of an eternal revenge pact, which is pretty hot, but then wimped out after a measly 12 cycles of death and destruction. Lame.

N/A/10

Final Fantasy II- Cid

The OG Cid. With that mustache, he looks like he came out of a 70’s porno. His pose in his Amano art exudes some pretty powerful sexual energy, and Amano gave him purple skin, which is awesome. He probably has a very hairy chest. Very DILFy in a retro way, kind of like the Burt Reynolds of Cids. Newer depictions seem to be aging him, but he’s pulling it off. Definitely a silver fox.

8/10

Final Fantasy III- Cid Haze

A very grandfatherly and wholesome Cid. He probably has Werther’s Originals in his pockets, which is a major plus. Vaguely Gandalf-ish, which adds some surprise DILF flavor to an otherwise ideal pop-pop.

4/10

Final Fantasy IV- Cid Pollendina

Unquestionably the best Cid. MUSCLES. Definitely gives great hugs. His big, scratchy beard almost assuredly is used for storing notes and snacks, probably chicken nuggets and french fries, because he’s a cool guy. He probably doesn’t bathe much, but he does age into a kickass aviator grandpa with a pipe, so I can let it slide.

6/10

Final Fantasy V- Cid Previa

A noodly old man without a chin. Looks like a weird, vaguely unpleasant grandpa. His mustache is nice, but doesn’t make up for that awful hair. He comes with an annoying grandson with a bowl-cut, which is a big minus. However, he does make you a submarine, which goes a long way to evening out the Mid problem.

3/10

Final Fantasy VI- Cid Del Norte Marguez

A Grade-A mustache, which is a very important feature in a Daddy. Super questionable ethics, but not in a sexy way. The condom jacket is a big turnoff. Seriously, what was he thinking? Probably shouldn’t have fish ‘n chips with him, which is a shame. Fish ‘n chips are delicious.

4/10, solely on the sheer power of that mustache

Final Fantasy VII- Cid Highwind

He looks very dad-like, but in an abusive alcoholic kind of way. I don’t want a Daddy who would beat me. He knows his way around a spear, which is a potential plus? Lung cancer isn’t cool, but lighting a stick of dynamite with a cigarette is. Would probably take you to some pretty cool air shows.

5/10

Final Fantasy VIII- Cid Kramer

Fantasy Robin Williams. Probably very hairy and tells good jokes. He’s definitely the dad-est of the Cids. Exudes cool dad vibes, as long as you ignore the war crimes. Needs to order more hot dogs for the child soldiers he trains.

6/10

Final Fantasy IX- Cid Fabool IX

MAXIMUM MUSTACHE. A very stylish guy, but cheating looks good on nobody. Has a fun uncle vibe, but he’s a bad role model. Bonus points for spending the later half of the game as a FROG.

5/10

*Editorial note: I originally intended to use a picture of Cid Fabool IX as a frog, but Tumblr would not allow it. Clearly, they are afraid of the RAW AMPHIBIAN SEX APPEAL of this man and felt the need to censor it, so I am upgrading this Cid to an 11/10, but only when he is a frog.

Final Fantasy X- Cid

With his shaved head and tattoos, he seems like a cool dad. Big, strong arms are a definite plus, and he is a known Home-builder, so he might be a good Daddy to settle down with. He has really bad fashion sense, but this might be a cultural thing. The protective uncle thing gives wholesome points, but his gross son loses some.

9/10

Final Fantasy XI- Cid

Blacksmith fashion works when you have arms as big and strong as this fella, but please put on a shirt. You could burn yourself, and those rippling muscles are super distracting. A bit bland personality-wise, but that’s okay. I don’t want this Cid opening his mouth much, given his TERRIFYING TEETH. Genuinely frightening.

1/10, solely because of his teeth, otherwise 7/10.

Final Fantasy XII- Cidolfus Demen Bunansa

Finally, the insane thespian Daddy of my dreams! Super questionable ethics, but in a sexy way. Shakespearian crazy, which is very hot. Probably monologues a lot, and is super supportive of imaginary friends. Love that dadish facial hair! Big DILF energy, but might leave me for a stupidly ripped, beefcake, wannabe Dynast-King.

10/10

Final Fantasy XIII- Cid Raines

A twink Cid? It’s more likely than you think! You spend the whole game watching him get fucked by Barthandelus, so there’s nothing to look forward to. Leave something to the imagination, man. I wouldn’t dream of taking him from his hunky boyfriend, Rygdea.

0/10

*Editorial note: Though not a Cid, Rygdea’s DILFness is rated at a 7/10. For the curious, Oerba Yun Fang is rated at a 10/10.

Final Fantasy XIV- Cid Garlond

The textbook definition of a Daddy. An absolute dreamboat. Muscly arms, wavy hair, great facial hair, tit meat, an oven mitt. Bad taste in dates (what does Nero have that I don’t? Why won’t you love me, Cid?). DILF with daddy issues, who can angst as well as he can joke around. Truly, the ideal Cid.

13/10

Final Fantasy XV- Cid Sophiar

A gross wrinkly old man. Maybe he was hot once, but it’s all gone now. He’s aged like an avocado. Also, he’s kinda mean? Pay to fix your granddaughter’s botched breast implants, you cheap old bastard. Overall unwholesome grandpa.

0/10

Final Fantasy Tactics- Cidolfus Orlandeau

The ultimate silver fox. A distinguished gentleman who probably has a fantastic library at home. His cloak adds a nice sense of mystery. Devastating on the battlefield, possibly devastating in the bedroom? I’m intrigued.

12/10, for the dunkie-dunks

Final Fantasy Tactics Advance- Cid Randell

A deadbeat dad. A bit mousy, with a bad, scraggly beard. Tender and clearly loves his family, but might start to cry during a makeout session. Would be nice to take him to therapy.

6/10

Final Fantasy Tactics A2- Cid

Mullet + fashion disaster = hunk??? Not sure how the math works there, but it does. Probably a recovering himbo. Mixed feelings on the mustache. No mixed feelings on those tree trunks he calls arms.

7/10

Final Fantasy Type-0- Cid Aulstyne

Basically Hitler Cid. Fascism isn’t hot. Strong jawline.

1/10, next

*Editorial note: This blog does not support fascist. If you are a fascist, please leave now. Also, terfs are very much unwelcome here. The knowledge contained within this post is too powerful for your feeble mind. Black lives matter. Black trans lives matter.

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: My Life as a King- Mogcid

He’s a moogle, a race well-known for their complete lack of DILF energy. I don’t even know which of these moogles he is.

N/A/10

*Editorial note: The file name for this image is Ffccking_moogle.jpeg. As an avid player of Final Fantasy XIV, this speaks to me on a deeply personal level.

Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: The Crystal Bearers- Cid

There must be some kind of mistake. This is a list to rate the DILFness of Cids, not a list to rate the DILFness of onions. The quote at the top of his FFWiki page is “I trust him, certainly.” Well, I don’t. Bad mustache(?). Onions, like ogres, have layers, but I don’t want to uncover his.

0/10

Final Fantasy Mystic Quest- Otto Cid Bekenstein

A Cid with a very distinguished name. He lives near Pazuzu’s Tower, so he can probably make a mean panini. Has a kickin’ mustache, and kinda looks like Doc Brown in sunglasses. Very cool. Still, don’t condescend me. I’m offended that you think I’m bad at games because I’m not Japanese. I am bad at games for a multitude of reasons that have nothing to do with my ethnicity.

4/10

Final Fantasy: The 4 Heroes of Light- Cid

Oh, come on. This guy is literally just a generic NPC with the name Cid slapped on. That’s just lazy. He doesn’t even have his own article on FFWiki. Wears a mask though, so at least there’s a hint of mystery.

0.5/10

Final Fantasy Dimensions- Cid

A bad guy Cid with a bad mustache. His outfit looks like a boring version of Setzer’s coat. Looks like he can’t take a joke. That popped collar doesn’t make you look cool.

2/10

Final Fantasy Record Keeper- Cid

Cane? Sunglasses? Dark trenchcoat? Purple cravat? Wow! Truly, a mysterious silver fox! Probably does shady things, but honestly, who cares? Who knew that such a DILF could come out of a mobile game?

11/10

Final Fantasy Brave Exvius- Cid

A very old dude. Dead? Maybe! I dunno, I didn’t make it far enough into this game to find out. Bad personality. Cid isn’t even the guy’s real name. What a poser.

1/10

Mobius Final Fantasy- Cid

Cid, if he was played by a modern day Jeff Bridges. Remarkably unsexy scars, scraggly beard, dumb hair. Zero redeeming qualities.

0/10

World of Final Fantasy- Cid

Robo Cid. Looks like a jukebox that someone taught to owo. Pretty cute. Sadly not smoochable.

N/A/10

Chocobo’s Dungeon 2/Chocobo Racing- Cid

A round guy. Big mustache, big eyebrows. Clearly has a very hairy chest. Possibly Mario in disguise? Would probably make you spaghetti and meatballs afterwards.

6/10

Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo Tales- Cid

The Cid who inspired this list. A twink like Raine, but much worse. Bad hair, overly long polka dot cravat, gross green onesie, yellow clogs??? What is going with this man’s fashion? Clearly the worst Cid.

-5/10

*Editorial note: The friend who showed me this image described it as, and I quote, “a hottie cid”. You know who you are, and I will never stop judging you.

Final Fantasy Fables: Chocobo’s Dungeon- Cid

Wow, a Cid with a decent outfit! Looks like he’s trying to be Indiana Jones, but with a yellow bird buddy. Come on man, find your own inner DILF. Don’t try to steal Harrison Ford’s.

5/10

Chocobo to Mahou no Ehon: Majo to Shoujo to Go-nin no Yuusha- Cid

Good Lord. That hair! That collar! Those striped leggings tucked into thigh highs! It’s like he tried to go for a “cool-but-rich” clown vibe, but failed utterly, and I am not for it. I take back what I said about Chocobo Tales Cid. This is the absolute lowest a Cid can go.

-10/10, do not speak to me ever again

Final Fantasy: Unlimited- Cid

A literal child. Those are some sick knee and elbow pads, dude. Probably uses a skateboard terribly. Puberty’s a bitch.

N/A/10

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within- Dr. Sid

Wrinkly old scientist Cid. Aged better than Sophiar, but that’s a pretty low bar. Thanks to that scandalous spelling, he barely counts as a Cid, but I will invoke Donald Sutherland clause and allow it.

1/10

*Editorial note: The Donald Sutherland clause states that any Final Fantasy character voiced by Donald Sutherland whose Cid-ness is in doubt will be treated as a Cid, unless overwhelming evidence to the contrary can be provided.

Well, that’s all of the 36 different Cids that I could find information on. I hope that this has been informative, or, barring that, at least somewhat entertaining! I want to give a special thank you to FFWiki, from which I shamelessly stole all of these pictures (except for XI Cid) and gave me information about the more obscure Cids. I also want to give a special shout-out to my RISKy friends who inspired this with their endlessly inane conversations. You guys are truly amazing, and only have yourselves to blame for enabling me.

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fanficsforheartandsoul · 4 years ago

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GREMLIN AU

@smhalltheurlsaretaken has motivated me to draw some Grandpa Yoda stuff and god, I just came up with some new things that are definitely canon now because I decided so, don’t @ me.

Also I don’t give a shit about canon in general, Yoda is a grumpy gremlin now, whose ears are like Stitch’s from Lilo & Stitch, and the clones are his sons. End of discussion.

Grumpy Grandpa Yoda™ living with his children who take care of him later, they age like normal people and it’s just a happy funny family AU:

Yoda lives with 10 clones he was able to save on Dagobah

There’s a lot of mud and swampy stuff and creatures and the clones HATE IT

At least at the beginning, later the begin to love it and I can guarantee you there are sooooo many mud fights - Yoda disapproves

Yoda takes Commander Gree, Draa and Buzz (Doesn’t make any sense I know but who cares bitch) and other soldiers from the 41st Stormtrooper Legion with him

Hades, Ace, Eli, Beetle, Fox, Rook and Essi

together with the other three and the gremlin they build a big family

they build some rather crude houses but there not exactly architects, right?

Later, they get better and all of the clones have an individual hut

The distance between the clones and the former grandmaster of the Jedi order seems like a giant canyon at the beginning and they call Yoda “Sir” for a few years

until the clones play a game of truth or dare and one of them is dared to make the Jedi change his sad demeanor for once

Yes, they play games

A lot actually

It’s like they’re finally having their childhood and puberty although the look like adults

imagine 10 grown ass men racing through the swamps of Dagobah

The Jedi has been mourning for the Jedi, the knights, the padawans, the younglings for a long time and the clones know

They see the absent-minded gremlin stare outside the window and they feel sad too

after all they do know how it feels to loose trusted friends and companions although not in that big capacity like the Jedi purge

But well back to the dare

one of the clones, Ace, is seriously thinking about how to make the little dude smile or at least shock him and he’s wracking his brain because never before has he seen the Jedi master surprised

so how is he gonna do it?

one evening, after everyone went to bed and the Jedi draped the bed sheets over him with the help of the force, he has an image before his eyes

and the next morning when there’s a heated discussion over who becomes the last jelly pudding, Ace blurts out “Grandpa should decide!”

and everyone just stops

Grell who gave Buzz a head nut is just turning and looking at him

Draa paused his spoon mid air, mouth wide open

Hades and Fox just blink, the latter still in a headlock

Eli almost dies because he choked on his milk

The other three who dozed at the table are suddenly wide awake

and then a voice says: “The pudding, Rook should get” and all heads turn

Master Yoda is smiling softly and the bois suddenly have the feeling of “must protect this gremlin” and from that they on they just call him “Grandpa”

Not without teasing Ace to death first, obviously

A lot of jokes get thrown around

“Now that I think about it, I see the resemblance.” “We have the same face, you idiot.”

Only Grell is a hesitating and just calls him “Yoda” but secretly he likes to say it too

They wear their armor for a long time before they finally take it off, mainly because they’re scared of the Empire finding them

They want to be ready for battle any time

But then Yoda takes off his Jedi robes and the boys gradually relax and take of their helmets and armor too

Now the get stung a lot by mosquitos

And the bois discover that the gremlin likes to eat a lot of disgusting things

But the mosquito problem gets solved so no one is complaining

Yoda changes a lot

He shows his emotions more and sometimes even loses his patience

His walking stick becomes a weapon for head nuts

Grell gets a lot of them because he always tries to help him but

“Not that old, I am, boy!”

“Alone, I could’ve done that, Grell.”

He plays with the bois

The often play a ball game where Yoda lets the ball float and the guys try to catch it without being hit in the face

The current count is 142 to 19 with Grandpa clearly winning

Rook is a fucking sewing machine and they soon get to wear custom clothes

He knits a super long and super heavy scarf for Yoda because he “worries that Grandpa will be cold in the winter”

The scarf is literally 3 meters long and I guarantee you that the clones have to unwrap him like toilet paper every evening

Rook is right, Yoda is cold in winter and his bones hurt a lot more

One time Yoda forgot his walking stick and Buzz just straight up holds his hand and walks with him like a toddler

Few years later, when he’s even older and a little wobbly on his feet, Fox and Eli like to carry him around on their backs

Beetle, the absolute crackhead, carries him like a baby

Grandpa always complains but he secretly likes it because the child isn’t a stone hard washboard like the others

They send holograms to Obi-Wan, the responsible uncle and Hades’ beard role model, and the Jedi has questioned the gremlin’s choices so many times already because of the weird ass pictures

Obi-Wan sends them holograms of little Luke in return and the bois are LIVID, because “OUR COUSIN, LOOK AT HIM WADDLE, GUYS”

The clones and Yoda go on holiday trips - which are basically just visiting another swamp on Dagobah

So many puns and inside jokes

“WHAT are you doing in my swamp?”

“GET OUT OF MY SWAMP!”

Laughing

so much laughing

And dirty jokes

Only out of Yoda’s earshot though

The boys grow up, ok?

Eli is good at drawing

He’s the one who painted most of their armor and their battle ships

But for Sith’s sakes he can’t draw Yoda at all

His pictures still hang on the fridge tho

And all kinds of other stuff hangs there too

Yoda’s hut has all sorts of trinkets everywhere

All of them were gifted to him by the boys and some of them are just some sort of weird metal that “looked shiny or nice”

But the Grandpa loves them SO MUCH

When Yoda gets older, his hearing gets a lot worse and his ear muscles deteriorate which is why he’s constantly walking around with flabby ears

The boys have to repeat their sentences

When the gremlin doesn’t like what he’s hearing he’s just pretending he can’t understand them but Grell KNOWS

When he meditates too long or sits too long without eating, the boys force him to eat something

mostly frogs - he likes them a lot

They make sure he brushes his teeth because that frog smell nasty

and they brush his hair, but it’s mostly Grell because he can ignore the gremlin’s attitude when it comes to taking care of himself

Yoda makes Obi-Wan send pictures of some locals on Tatooine, trying to subtly set the boys up

They aren’t Jedi after all

A little happiness, they deserve, hoho

The boys find it funny but never try to contact the person because it’s too dangerous

This makes Yoda sure that half of them are gay

Not that he minded

They just have an embarrassing talk about the bees, and Adam and Steve

And he’s telling them the story of “Jal and Argo” some members of his species he met on a little moon and yada yada yada

MAKER, he loves to tell stories

The ears of the clones almost start to bleed, he talks so long and loud - he can’t hear his voice properly sometimes and starts to randomly YELL

But they like to listen, although half of them are always asleep at the end

and receive head buts when grumpy Grandpa notices

But he never hits them hard, especially not Beetle

He seriously worries about that guy

“make sure he doesn't lose any more brain cells, I have to”

But the clone’s head is really hard so might as well be fine

BONUS: ugly ass 10 minute sketches

YODA’S SPECIES HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MOVE THEIR EARS LIKE STITCH, I DON’T ACCEPT ANYTHING ELSE

#star wars #obi wan kenobi #the clone wars #master yoda #clone trooper #jedi #sith #padawan #grumpy grandpa au #happy master yoda au #just cute stuff #please save me #baby yoda also has flappy ears #don't @ me #i can't draw clones #uwu

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valkerymillenia · 4 years ago

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Umbrella Academy

season 2, episode 4

New episode, new post!

This was the other post I had written out that got accidently deleted so I'm writing it all again.

1993? And Lila was 4? TOO MUCH COINCIDENCE! I still stand by my theory that Lila is one of the 43.

Yes, she has a father but that could just be her mother's husband. It's just too coincidental that the show would make her exactly the same age as the Hargreeves for no reason.

Ah the red heels. Hi Handler. These heels are really pretty though, very wicked witch with the ruby slippers. Even that outfit kind of screams wicked witch meets Cruella de Vil 😏

Kill parents, adopt child. Interesting MO, Handler. Like an evil Bruce Wayne (does this make Handler Owlman? I know, I'm not funny).

Oh, Handler pulling a Reginald with Lila!

Except, you know, she actually gives Lila positive reinforcement and affection, unlike Reggie. But her training seems just as brutal and inhumane for a child (and possibly even more violent) as Reginald's...

It's curious and interesting, a nice foil. Handler succeeds where Reggie fails- creating a loyal and effective soldier will into adulthood- because she was willing to give the kid affection and compassion. Reggie saw himself as some sort of hero creating heros but he failed at the most basic and human thing that even the villain understood.

-The filmography in these training scenes is brilliant.

-Ah, that prom look is the same as half of my classmates when we graduated 🤣 down to the blue makeup.

I'm guessing Lila's "prom"/"graduation" was her first solo assassination?

Wait, Handler wants to protect Five...? What the hell is she up to now?

Talking about killing people like it's a fun hobby 🤨

Oh, so the Swedes are triplets? I suspected but I like the confirmation.

Oh, Handler is lying ~~~~ 🎶

She's definitely following her own agenda here and she's leading Lila into danger. The question is if she's going to undermine the Commission for revenge of if she wants to prove her ability to get promoted back into administrative ranks of the Commission.

Either way, this will not end well for Five.

Lila is going to end up having to choose between Diego and Handler, isn't she?

Five stays in the car to give Luther space... No matter what Five says he actually cares about his siblings' feelings, doesn't he? He's the most overprotective of them all and always has been. It's sweet.

Ah, Luther and Vanya bonding over Five being an asshole. ☺️

"very warm and cuddly father" 🤣

Of course Vanya figured out Five was sparing her feelings, because she's not dumb

Oh, thank you for the honesty, Luther! Gotta love that.

I'm actually really happy to see Luther owning up to his mistakes instead of trying to act like the flawless leader. I think he grew a lot after accepting that Reginald wasnt perfect and I'm glad to see that growth still happening as he learns how to be an independent person. I just hope his guilt doesn't turn into even more self-hatred.

"you had kind of a bad childhood" -understatement of the century, Luther!

Luther, you have pissed off the mobster, you moron. You're on big trouble now.

Dramatic wall punch! 🙄

"when you get angry shit blows up" 😂😂😂

"you're our sister and a member of the umbrella academy" - oh, now you want to include her? The irony of this is that it's the one thing Vanya wanted for the first 29 years of her life and if anyone had said it then, the apocalypse would probably have never happened.

🖕🙊🖕

"I wonder if it's too late to be un-adopted" -ah, you know you love them, Five

Honestly, Allison actually keeps her cool really well, if I went through that phone call I would have broken something.

Why the hell does Klaus want menudo first thing in the morning?? Ew...

Klaus butchering "the frog and the scorpion"... You were doing so well but ended up completely missing the point of that story, dummy.

Diego's stab wound is healing really quickly...

Wait, he's healing quickly and Allison doesn't have a neck scar... Plus Klaus is immortal... Hmm, I wonder if quick healing is an ability they all share? Though that would put Diego's scars (and maybe Ben's death) into perspective...

Does Diego wax his chest? Those pecs are real smooth for someone who spent over two months in a 60s mental institution. 😆

"we've all had the urge" 😂 and Diego's sarcastic laugh 🤣

Who's the 12th of the Magestic 12? Oh, I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE??? Maybe a certain monocled asshole?

"Mamie pink" is Klaus's new nickname, I don't make the rules.

Klaus, you are freaking the boy out with all this new information...

Oh no, the homophobia 😡😡😡

You know what's more heartbreaking about this homophobic disaster? Dave is likely in the closet and this whole situation here and the hate his uncle is showing must be so painful to him, it would probably bury him even deeper in the closet...

Klaus... The punch... Oh, baby... 😢 Oh no, I'm going to cry 😭😭😭

Is Raymond really implying that Allison is a spy? Damn...

Just tell him the truth, Allison! How do you marry a person without telling them something so big about yourself??

Oh, so Klaus has been sober for 3 years... Interesting.

No, Klaus! Don't start self-destructing again! 😢😢😢

It must be so painful for Ben to watch this and not be able to stop it...

Oh shoot, the cult found him.

"prophet"? "holy wanderer"? Interesting.

Poor Klaus just wants peace.

They seriously couldn't get a suit for Five too? Is he not allowed to wear anything else?

Five is onto Lila 🎶

Luther, are you stress eating? Well, at least you're not going on a bender again.

Awww, Luther- Allison reunion. Cute. Please don't make it weird.

Oh God, the awkward small talk is back 😩

I'm glad Luther is being so mature about this. I like this dynamic better.

"Vanya is on a farm. And happy" and Allison finds the happy part weird. Diego in the "nuthouse" and Allison doesn't find that weird at all, even does that 'yeah, ok makes sense' face. Klaus "cult leader" and Luther isn't surprised at all, that little "eh" was so funny.

Lord, this family is mess.

"Doomsday" *awkward chuckle* -you guys are getting way too used to this.

"Diego, try not to do anything too stupid" 😆 ah, brothers.

Lila in red heels, like mommy... 😏

Reggie taught them ballroom dancing? And Handler had the same idea?

Um.... Ok, so new theories! Do Handler and Reginald know each other? Could Reginald have been in the Commission? I'm going to be thinking about this for a while...

Just let the girl lead, Diego. Stop being a little bitch.

GRACE?!

So mom!Grace is either a cyborg or she was modeled after this woman... Makes curious about Reggie's relationship with this lady.

Diego going through the universal horror every kid goes through when realizing that mommy and daddy are "together". 🤣🤣🤣 "I can't picture it on my head. That's nasty"

She didn't tell him her name was Grace but apparently it is.

Am I the only one getting weird desperate and co-dependant vibes from Sissy?

Oh no! Save the baby!

Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! Vanya's powers are incredible! The special effects in this scene are unbelievable!

Save the child!

How did his lips get blue so quickly?

THE RETURN OF THE MAGIC ALIEN LIGHTS! AAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ok, I need to pause to gather my thoughts... Ok, things I hope don't happen-please don't magically "fix" the disabled boy, and please don't make the powers transferrable (that's just lazy writing, don't rehash "Misfits").

However, other than that I'm just very curious what those lights will do to Harlan. Will they just save his life? Will he gain powers? Will he have some weird connection to Vanya now? I'm dying to find out!

Anyway, back to the ep.

Baby boy is ok!

Luther, did you think pissing off the mobster would end well?

Elliot just starting up at Luther in awe and visibly fighting not to poke him. 😆

HELL NO, LUTHER! NO DRUGS! DON'T YOU REMEMBER THE LAST TIME?? YOU GOT YOUR BROTHER KILLED!

Oh, Sissy... Poor woman.

There going to kiss, aren't they?

Melancholic music kicking in. Sad emotional talk. Sitting way too close. Yeah, they're going to kiss.

Aaaaaand there's the kiss! ☺️

But now I need to pause and digress again...

Yeah, Sissy's feelings for Vanya are not healthy at all. In fact they mirror Vanya's feelings for Leonard- she's unhappy with her life and clinging to the first person that gives her attention. She wants help, she wants to be rescued, she's touch and attention starved. She's co-dependant and emotionally manipulative.

I'm not saying Sissy is a bad person, she's not, she's a sad person stuck in an unhappy marriage, terrified of being abandoned (almost paranoid) and exhausted under a lot of pressure dealing with a disabled child. And then in comes Vanya, who is perfect with Harlan, so loving and kind and has nothing else to pour all her attention towards. Of course Sissy sees salvation in Vanya and is desperate to keep her.

I'm not saying Vanya and Sissy can't have a beautiful healthy relationship, they can, but not like this. Sissy is clinging too tight and using Vanya to make herself feel better and make her life easier. They both deserve better than that and I hope they get it.

I'm starting to think that all relationships in this season might be doomed to fail:

-Sissy and Vanya have a co-dependant and emotionally unhealthy infatuation and Sissy is married to a man that, while not great, still clearly loves her;

-Raymond and Allison have too many secrets between them that are causing a major rift, they can fix it but there's also the chance that Ray might not be able to accept the truth about her;

-Lila is a double agent using Diego to get close to Five, she seems to be developing feelings but the fact that she's lying about who she is and working for Handler is obviously toxic;

-Klaus is pining over a person that Dave has not yet become and while he only wants to save Dave's life, it's obvious there's too big an experience and culture gap between them for a relationship to flourish;

-Luther and Allison have become one-sided and less innocent and puppy-love than before, now it really is just creepy and unhealthy (whereas before it was understandable because they grew up together under an emotionally unavailable father and isolated from the real world, naturally they became attached and confused their feelings, their attachment wasn't healthy but it was justified and almost innocent... Not anymore though);

-we have no concrete proof yet, but it seems Ben MIGHT be pining over a girl that might not even see him, he's dead, it might be an interesting dynamic storywise, but it's not going to happen, it's unhealthy and unfair;

Some of these couples might still survive and become great, it's still really in the season after all, but they have a lot of growing to do before they get there.

Anyway.... Back to the episode.

Oh Klaus... Off the wagon...

Allison being a good sister and taking care of her brother. My heart ❤️

Luther, you idiot... Well, at least you're getting high in a safe environment.

Luther and Klaus are self-destructing, my poor boys.

"you are super weird" - Luther, you have no zero right to call anyone weird, have you looked in the mirror??

"the woman I love loves someone else" -the woman you love is. your. SISTER!

I really like poor Elliot, I hope nothing bad happens to him.

Jesus, that's creepy, Luther.

Didn't I say Reginald was the 12th? 😏

Roswell? Reggie probably has a vested interest in that.

Blink out of there, Five.

I love that Five's main move is always 'teleport onto their backs and go for the throat'.

Wait, why did Five's teleportation glitch???

The music!!!!

Wait, did Diego's aim just glitch too???

Could these power glitches be connected to Vanya's magic lights going into Harlan? Or could it be something about the Swedes? Or about Reginald's presence, seeing as he dodged Diego's power before? Hmm...

Oooh, Lila has to choose between Diego and her mission already? Interesting... Of course she chooses to save Five.

Badass Lila is amazing!

So she could have helped Diego after helping Five but instead she just walks away? Huh, unexpected.

Diego, you adrenaline junkie. Good moves though.

The ancient Greek is a surprise! I really want to know what Five said to Reginald!!! What did he say? I need to know!!!

Another great chapter!! Very emotional too!

I want more!!!

#tua #tua s2 #tua s2 spoilers #reactions #live blogging #theories #spoilers

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izayoichan · 5 years ago

Photo

Rylan looks at the kennel, all clean, ready for new residents. It’s odd how quiet the place feels, but he knows a lot of pets have new homes today, and he also knows that the shelter will fill up again much faster than he would like it too.

“Hey princess.” “Hey, you.”

He feels arms around him as River finds him being done on his end, being twirled around in Rivers arms finding himself kissed. He shows every bad thought deep into the back off his head, having promised himself to not allow that part to show if there is one thing he wants to be, it’s strong for him, to help make this as easy as possible.

“All done?” “Yep, now I have extra time to spend with my favorite princess.” “You have more than one?”

River chuckles, one hand resting on Rylan’s hip, the other caressing his cheek, knowing the smile he is seeing is a mask, but not sure this is the day to pull out his thoughts and worries, like he would normally do, guessing his mask, is for his sake, to make this day easier, perhaps on both. He kisses him deeply and then brushes his cheek, just keeping his eyes locked with Rylan's.

“There's time for us to stay here, together, the two of us... And I kinda don't want to go anymore.” “I never wanted you to go... But, I think you should. If you don't do it now, then what? Never sleep in the same bed, always worry about your magic running wild?

He kisses River caressing his cheek carefully.

“I love you, and I want to be with you, and well, other things...”

He blushes slightly, as it is something he has never mentioned to him before but having him close makes it clear to him he wants more than just kissing him. River nods kissing him back, his hands on Rylan's back pulling him closer

“I love you too and I also want to... Well, as you expertly put it... Other things...

He smiles, with a slight blush.

“I want to lay in the same bed as you and sleep with you next to me... Or on me...” “And if you don't go, won't it just end with us standing like this again in an unknown time?

He still has a light blush on his cheeks from what they’re actually discussing wanting without saying it.

“I’d rather do it now, and not in a year and have to go through all of this again, I love you too much to want that for either of us.

He kisses River again his arms laced around his neck, his hands playing slightly with his hair. River sighs and cups Rylan's cheeks, kissing him, keeping him close. Wanting to take everything about him, to keep in his memory as he possibly can. the feeling of his skin and warmth, the taste of his lips, those beautiful golden-green eyes, everything.

“I love you so much Rylan.”

As much as he wants to answer him, he gets lost in the kiss instead, doing much the same as River, memorizing everything about him, River eventually pulling back, brushing the sides of Rylan’s cheeks gently, looking him in the eyes.

“How did I get so lucky?” “You used the best pickup line, and called me princess?”

He chuckles, fighting to keep this day the best it can be, and not breakdown and cry.

“I'm glad you did, and that you took a chance to get to know the rich pretty boy model”

He winks at with a slight smirk on his face, knowing that was what he once told him was his first impression of him when he saw him at the shelter. And how he had thought that he was just there for attention and likes.

“You proved all my expectations wrong, every single one of them”

He chuckles and kisses his lips gently.

“And in a good way. Here I thought. Another pretty boy wanting to do some volunteer work for the likes. Never have I been so happy to be proved wrong...” “At least that model fame came in handy for the adoption event. And I am honestly just glad you gave me a chance really.”

He chuckles, still surprised so many came for a picture and a tour. River winks at him and picks up Rylan into his arms, holding him like one would hold a princess, Rylan making a small yelping sound as he finds himself lifted.

“Hey.” “Hey?” “It never ceases to amaze me how light and right you feel on my arms, they're going to feel a bit cold in RoM, so memory to make me warm till I'm back”

He once again winks at Rylan playfully kissing him, Rylan putting a hand on his cheek kissing him back, feeling all too much at home in those arms.

“Yes a whole week without!”

He smiles knowing it will be the longest week in his life, suddenly noticing his dad standing in the doorway with his phone in his hand.

“Sorry, I have to head home, it seems I am needed.” “Okay, dad.” “Cya mister Chris,”

He smiles as he sees the man leave and turns his attention back to Rylan, walking over to sit a sofa, keeping Rylan on his lap and pecking him gently.

“What a terrible week it will be! I don't know how I'll make it! As for who, hmmm... my uncle Simeon might be the one to pester. He'll probably be my tutor too. If not him... Morgyn most likely, though I'd rather it not be Morgyn... it was his student that I... killed...” “Hmh... Hopefully, it is your uncle then...”

He memorizes the names, so he knows who to ask for, hoping they will let him meet him, and even more that it is his uncle and not this other person. He couldn’t imagine they would do something so horrible to someone though, at least not someone coming to atone for what they have done.

“And yes it will be horrible! I need to do extra work somewhere to make time pass!”

He winks at River, kissing him, managing to just enjoy the here and now which makes him happy, and he hopes it makes River feel better too.

“Preferably not a job with a devilishly handsome boss who calls you princess, or I'll be in big trouble!”

He laughs playfully and kisses Rylan once more a small chuckle coming from Rylan as well.

“Unless my boss at the magazine changes or Carl turns into some nice perfect man, I doubt you have anything to worry about there, and your mom is still my other boss. so, in short, I don't think you need to worry about anything like that happening.”

He kisses him, and pokes his nose, which makes River chuckle and shakes his head slightly.

“Besides, I like the frog prince I have!” “The frog is safe, my princess shall wait!” “Yep, a proper princess waits for their prince after all.”

He smiles just hugging him tight, suddenly remembering what he had spent several nights on making.

“Oh. And I almost forgot.”

He takes out a small mp3 player from his pockets holding it out to River, who looks at him questioningly.

“Adventures read by said princess to help you sleep.” “Seriously?!” “You really recorded books for me! Awesome!”

He takes the mp3 player and looks at Rylan with a smile, once again shaking his head, not really thinking he would do such a thing. Holding the mp3 player tight, and kissing Rylan gently in return.

“Yeah, gave me something to do at night, and the last one was finished early this morning. And if they force you to stay longer, then maybe I'll make some more for you, to not have you get bored. I think I managed three books and two adventures from our D&D.”

He smiles knowing he ended all off them telling River he loved him, and that he was looking forward to when he came home. Hoping they would make his stay there at least a little less lonely.

“I can't wait to listen to it.”

He smiles, holding the mp3 close in one hand and pulling Rylan closer with the other, kissing him one more time.

“It's almost time for me to go. Do you want to take me to the portal?” “No I want you to stay, but I will go with you however my prince wants his princess’s company” “Wait here, I'm just going to get my bag and say goodbye to my mom.”

He gently puts Rylan on the sofa, then walks into the shelter office. After a few minutes he comes out with his bag, his mother follows and gives him a somewhat awkward hug before she lets him go and he returns to Rylan with his backpack over his shoulder.

“Okay, ready to go.” “Let's go then, the faster this is done, the less time is spent waiting.”

He smiles and takes River's hand, trying his best to keep this as light as possible for both of them.

“I am prepared. not really, but let’s say that I am.” “I'm not ready, but I have too.”

nods, squeezing Rylan's hand gently as they walk out of the shelter, leading Rylan along the road they both know well.

“Who am I going to call princess and boss around when I am away.” “Hmh… I guess your uncle wouldn’t like it, and that other guy probably even less? I guess you will just have to wait until you come home and then unleash all your princess and bossing around then? Or well, maybe you find a new princess and forget all about me huh?”

He looks up at River, suddenly a little worried it might happen, oddly how saying it out loud made him worry about it, even if he felt like River had eyes for no one than him. River chuckles and shakes head-

“True love's magic. Only one princess for this frog and it's for life.”

He puts his arm over Rylan's shoulders as they walk down the path to the portal, both of them trying to keep a smile for the other, trying to make this as easy as possible.

🎶

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spdtactics-a · 5 years ago

Text

the great irene mom rankings!

i said i’d do these earlier so here we are with irene first!

moms are ranked based on four things: their supports with frederick, the inheritance they pass down in-game and how it would change irene as an actual unit in game, hair colour, and the corresponding sibling + their dynamic.

i’m doing these in order of recruitment, as well as including chrom and emmeryn. i went the extra mile and included icons for all the robinsexuals just for fun, which are included at the bottom. they won’t be rated, i just felt like completing all the potential moms(tm).

i also edited the skin tones for the moms who are naturally darker skinned ( ...or should be ), then noticed i fucked it up a little and... honestly i’m too tired to go back and redo it, pls understand i’m sorry ;____;

frederick’s daughter. an enigmatic cavalier who aspires to be as great a knight as her father. the most afraid of fire.

robin.

supports: hmm... while i love frederick/mu, the in game supports themselves feel kind of weird making the jump from being platonic to romantic... but honestly, they work for me! i think it’s just the format they’re presented in that feels a bit jumpy and choppy? in any case robin helping frederick get over an aversion and better himself for it is very cute. i like it.

inheritance: obviously, the mu is the best parent for any child unit. robin would provide access to every class in the game, so long as it isn’t gender locked-- and heck even her growth rates would vary wildly depending on how you set robin��s.

hair colour: i just used the default one here or else i’d have gone insane, but a lot of the custom colours did look really cute! i’m especially fond of the araceli-esque blue. :3c

sibling(s): she’d get morgan as a younger sibling... or two! which... could be a pretty fun dynamic. being morgan’s sibling would be the only instance in which irene is older.

overall: the most important thing to note about the mu is that every interpretation, default or custom, is wildly different. while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it does make it kind of hard to pin down what irene’s life would have been like with robin as her mother (...or other father). that said, the mu’s disappearance would definitely have inspired her to keep going with her training as a knight. unaware of what truly happened to her missing parent, irene would hope to find them someday. again... this really does depend on the mu and their interpretation-- but all in all, a solid irene.

final rating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆ ( 7 scales tipped out of 10 )

chrom.

supports: the supports in game are fucking hilarious, but i don’t know how i feel about them in a romantic context?

inheritance: chrom’s lord class is non-inheritable, but at least irene would get aether and the (albeit unrealized) ability to wield falchion, if lucina’s sibling supports are anything to go off of! otherwise, the only new class irene would get out of the mix is archer, and i actually couldn’t find the village maiden!lucina stat modifiers for a reference... but chrom’s default growth rates are the highest in skill and speed, so i feel like him as her father would definitely influence that. as for the brand, it’s on the back of her neck!

hair colour: yknow i didn’t think i’d be crazy about lord blue(tm), but it looks really nice with brown eyes... also, irene wouldn’t have to rely on magic to disguise herself as lucina while acting as a decoy. :3c

sibling(s): i’ll admit i’m not the biggest lucina fan out there anymore after some... personal stuff, but i do think lucina would be a cute older sister for irene... if not a little intimidating. while irene would idolize her big sister, she would also often feel as though she’s left in lucina’s shadow... which wouldn’t help much with her self esteem-- hell, she’d feel as though she HAD to work as hard as she already does just to match up... and it could lead to extreme recklessness on irene’s part-- which is NOT something you’d want from a princess of the realm or a knight.

overall: i love princess irene, but chrom isn’t exactly my first pick for her exalted parent-- mostly because of lucina and the very limited class pool irene would get as a result; she’s barred from lord and chrom’s only other class that doesn’t overlap is archer... like, oof? that said, i honestly do really love the idea of chrom BEING irene’s father. he’s just... such a good dad? he’d really, really help her unlearn a lot of the habits she drilled into herself to be a “model princess” and ideal knight just by... you know. being himself! being younger than lucina, irene’s memories of chrom aren’t as vivid, and honestly a little warped by her sister’s and other father’s perceptions... getting to know the real man would be. so good for her!!! tldr chrom could be a really great dad for irene, but... he has a few teensy things holding him back from being phenomenal. when it comes to royal irene i love papa chrom, but i do think uncle is a bit better.

final rating: ★★★★★★☆☆☆☆ ( 6 unpeeled oranges out of 10 )

lissa.

supports: they’re cute! they’re not my absolute favourites, but lissa getting to marry her first love is sweet. i just happen to prefer frederick and lissa with other people.

inheritance: i’ve always really liked the concept of pegasus knight and healer irene, and lissa provides both of those things with the cleric, troubadour, and pegknight lines! also galeforce. gotta love galeforce. while they’re classes that would take a bit of work for irene to really blossom in, from a character development standpoint i think they’re wonderful. like-- she doesn’t have to imitate frederick entirely to be just as good of a knight, she can incorporate things her mom taught her as well. like owain irene does have the brand surface as lissa’s daughter, and it’s still on the back of her neck.

hair colour: lissa’s blonde and emmeryn’s blonde are actually super close in colour! it’s nearly impossible to tell, but emmeryn’s is slightly more saturated. either way i prefer irene with darker hair colours, but the royal blonde is cute.

sibling(s): oh dear god i don’t think irene’s equipped to handle owain of all people as her older brother... she was a really shy little kid, and as much as she’d love owain i do feel like his energy would be........... overwhelming?????? for her? that said i think owain would also know when to dial things down for her sake... that said, irene would really admire owain and while not bold enough to take part in justice cabal shenanigans, she would support them from a distance! still, being lucina’s cousin is... hard.

overall: i actually don’t have strong feelings on momther lissa one way or another! it’s a pairing i’m not overly invested in, but it’s one of those pairings i think would be cool in-game, if irene was an actual unit. it’d... just come at the cost of messing up owain imo. sooo yeah. it’s not awful, but there are definitely better pairings out there.

final rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆ ( 5 frog pranks out of 10 )

sully.

supports: i do like the tidbit that sully was training for knighthood at 15-- it makes the headcanon that ylisse was so desperate for recruits during the apocalypse they were knighting trainees that young a little more plausible, as my hc is that irene was knighted at the tender age of 15 for those exact reasons. that said, the supports themselves are kind of... meh. they felt perfect leaving off at a, the s-rank feels a bit “well we have to marry them off now so you can get the kid i guess” and shoehorned in than anything.

inheritance: sully shares her base class with irene, but since frederick also has the wyvern rider class in his kit, the only new class offered to irene is myrmidon... which is kind of sad. myrm’s a great class, but OOF that class pool...

hair colour: sully’s red is the softest and dullest out of all the red haired gen 1s, and it’s nice on irene... but eh. there are nicer.

sibling(s): ... i just don’t like kjelle all that much. i don’t know why. i never really use her... i think it’s because she’s an armoured unit and eh, no thanks. i like the idea of irene and kjelle being friends, though... just not siblings.

overall: while having two knightly parents would make irene’s transition from shy, girly child to lady knight a lot easier, sully... is not a mom i’m a huge fan of for irene. her class pool is ridiculously limited, the family dynamic with kjelle isn’t one i’m a huge fan of... while i think irene would be inspired by and look up to sully, it’s hard to see her as irene’s mother. more like a mentor, if anything. you feel?

final rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆ ( 4 business swords out of 10 )

miriel.

supports: i’m actually doing this one in my current awakening run! while the supports are fun and i like them, i’m... not a huge fan of their ending and ‘miriel vanishing for weeks at a time’. like. uh. okay.......... cool........... i guess?? that said, they’re nicer than sully’s supports lmao.

inheritance: miriel flips irene’s entire concept on its head-- as frederick’s daughter, she’s a very physical based unit who doesn’t really... excel at magic. meanwhile, all of miriel’s classes are magic. a miriel!irene inherits the mage, dark mage, and troubadour lines-- while i think she’d struggle with anima, light, or dark magic, i always see irene as having a natural, innate talent for healing. she would make a decent war cleric!

hair colour: miriel’s hair is one of my favourites in the game and irene pulls it off well! it’s that pretty, dark red...........

sibling(s): maybe i’m just biased and adore bp too much, but the entire reason i like miriel as irene’s mother is because of laurent! i think they’re a nice match as siblings. studious, observant, kind laurent and his little sister... they’d both take care of everyone else and it could probably be a little overbearing, but... it’d be really sweet. i love it. i also headcanon laurent to have been the one who used his magic to make irene’s hair blue whilst she pulled a frey and acted as a decoy in the bad future... the angst potential there is lovely. imagine realizing your little sister embarking on what’s basically a suicide mission really is the only way to slip past enemy lines to safety? and setting her up to do just that? r i p laurent. but also please consider irene being a late bloomer to non-healing magic and her brother teaching her. it’s good shit! >:3c

overall: the main appeal of miriel to me is getting laurent as a brother, and the concept of a late-blooming magical irene. miriel’s and frederick’s supports are good but i’m not 100% sold on their ending, and there are just frederick pairings i like better.

final rating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆ ( 7 mysteries of the universe solved out of 10 )

sumia.

supports: YES??? YES!!!!!! mu aside, frederick is my favourite sumia pairing! ... out of what’s available in game, anyways. sumia’s just so earnest and eager to help out as much as frederick does and he’s endeared by it and I’M endeared by it and they’re just so ridiculously SWEET it rots my teeth and yes pLEASE...

inheritance: sumia passes down pegasus knight, cleric, and knight-- once again giving me the option of f a l c o n k n i g h t i r e n e complete with galeforce. and i love me some f a l c o n k n i g h t i r e n e.

hair colour: it’s lighter and less saturated than her default fred brown, but sumia’s hair is very pretty on irene... i like it a lot!

sibling(s): i know i said owain would probably be a little overwhelming to have as a brother, therefore it ought to be the same for cynthia... but i actually don’t see that being the case! before their parent’s deaths, cynthia was shy and soft and girly-- much like irene. i can see both sisters vowing to grow stronger and become knights of ylisse together-- they just have different ideas of what constitutes heroism. irene’s vision of a hero is more like their father’s: someone who’s always looking after everyone, even when it goes unnoticed-- and sometimes it works better when it’s unnoticed. cynthia is dazzling glamour and drama, ready to punish evildoers in the name of the moon with the coolest entrances and speeches ever. she keeps morale up with theatrics and works hard to be that shining light for everyone with them, where irene supports from the shadows. while she’d be adverse to acting out cynthia’s flights of fancy in the bad future, she... could be roped into trying in the past, and it would help her kick a lot of her reservation and shyness. cynthia and irene are good sisters and i love them!!!

overall: i love fredsumia in general, so sumia as irene’s mom is just so good to me already???? even without thinking about it too deeply, i can just look at sumia and be like ‘yeah, she could have a kid like irene.’

final rating: ★★★★★★★★★☆ ( 9 flower fortunes out of 10 )

maribelle.

supports: i actually really like frederick’s and maribelle’s supports. they’re hilarious and sweet and just-- yeah. i like maribelle being willing to learn menial tasks to better instruct her own servants and just... yeah!!! it’s cute!!! i like maribelle/fred!

inheritance: maribelle gives irene a lot of the classes lissa does-- troubadour, pegasus knight... then mage. anything that can give me galeforce falcon knight irene is a good time!! it’s a shame brady could do better for a father...

hair colour: god maribelle’s hair is bright... but it looks cute with the brown eyes!

sibling(s): oh my god brady and irene would be really cute as brother and sister... they’re both soft kids(tm) and the narrative of irene having to work really, really hard to become a knight lends itself well to her being a duchess’ daughter!! i also have a hc that irene used to hang out in whatever ‘medical bay’ brady cobbled together after his scare with that guy who became a risen mid-healing, to both have an excuse to avoid any burning of bodies and protect brady from another incident... look they’re just. cute.

overall: while it does sacrifice some of brady’s potential, irene being maribelle’s daughter is solid and interesting!! fred’s and maribelle’s supports are genuinely good, irene’s backstory lines up well with maribelle being her mom, brady’s a great brother, and gameplay wise she gets good class options! maribelle? solid choice!!!

final rating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆ ( 7 parasols out of 10 )

panne.

supports: these are actually supports i quite like! frederick learning new things and overcoming fears are always a joy to see, and seeing a more relaxed side of panne is really cute... they’re good!!

inheritance: panne gives irene a unique class in taguel, as well as thief and wyvern rider! while she’d have to be very careful of anti-beast weapons, the thought of irene with the bunny ears is... cute...

hair colour: dark colours really do suit irene; i just wish i had the patience to edit taguel ears onto that icon... because she’d definitely have them.

sibling(s): mmmm yarne’s another kid i’m not huge on, and i do feel like they’d clash as siblings... while yarne is self preserving to a fault, understanding the weight of his (and irene’s) legacies as the literal last two taguel in the world, irene throws herself into danger regularly as a knight without any regard for her own safety. there would... probably be arguments about it. i dunno, yarne just... also doesn’t work as fred’s kid imo?? it could just be personal preference...

overall: taguel irene!!! taguel irene!!! while i love panne’s and fred’s supports and the concept, the family dynamic with yarne just... doesn’t... click very well for me? they really do feel like they’d be at each other’s throats a lot over clashing ideologies, and mmmm it would be fun for character development, but... i dunno. i’m just not feeling it as something to write?

final rating: ★★★★★★☆☆☆☆ ( 6 carrots out of 10 )

cordelia.

supports: NO!!! cordelia’s supports with frederick are some of my least favourites in the game!!! i blame the mention of c h r o m and how it is in-context. it’s like frederick’s just... settling for being second best, even if cordelia claims she’s giving up on chrom, then considering severa’s recruitment dialogue... mmmmmm. i don’t... like that... they both deserve better...

inheritance: cordelia’s fun in that between all of her class lines -- pegasus knight, mercenary, dark mage -- she can use every single weapon in the game. this trait passes on to both irene and severa, and irene does get some nice options to play around with

hair colour: the fiery red is nice, actually, but it’s a little TOO vivid to suit irene...

sibling(s): i feel like severa’s bold and abrasive nature would either extend to her little sister or she’d be an overly smothering big sister to overcompensate for perfect mom cordelia’s absence. there’d be no in between, and shy, meek irene would... suffocate from it. they’d work better as friends than siblings.

overall: while this would be a nice pairing in a playthrough WITHOUT ruining severa in the process, i don’t like it much in context. the supports are some of my least favourites, severa isn’t a good fit for irene’s sibling, and i... just like both units with other people!

final rating: ★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ ( 2 unrequited crushes out of 10 )

nowi.

supports: okay, the supports themselves are nice. they’re a sweet concept-- nowi wanting to make sure frederick receives recognition for all his hard work, despite him being content just... helping from the shadows. that said i still... can’t get past the whole nowi looking like a child thing. i know she’s over 1000 years old but it still feels super awkward to me? then again that’s a nowi complaint in general... so... rip nowi i really do love you i swear--

inheritance: manakete irene!!! manakete!!! irene!!! nowi also gives mage and wyvern rider, as well as decent magic growths-- late bloomer magical dark knight irene is fun, but... manakete irene

hair colour: nowi’s green is pretty wild, but i think that with the long ears it’d be cute!!

sibling(s): nah and irene would prooobably make cute siblings, but i don’t think nah’s backstory gels well with irene’s. in nah’s, both of her parents died when she was an infant. i hc frederick was among the last to die. something has to be altered pretty radically for this to fit, or else fred just up and ditched his kids, and... no.

overall: honestly this would be one of my favourites if not for the massive edits to irene’s overall concept and the nowi problem(tm). manakete irene is a really fun concept, fred’s and nowi’s supports are really cute tbh and their ending is sweet, i feel like nowi’s light-heartedness and maturity underneath it all are something that would be really good for irene, but... the amount of editing needed to make it work kinda ruins the idea for me.

final rating: ★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆ ( 4 dragonstones out of 10 )

tharja.

supports: they’re... hm. they’re... interesting? see tharja’s supports are like how i view cordelia’s: the less mentions of robin ( and chrom in cordelia’s case ), the better. tharja talks about robin a lot in the c-a ones, but thankfully there’s no mention of them in the s. so that’s points in tharja’s favour! they’re not bad, but i do think i like tharja and frederick with other people.

inheritance: tharja passes down dark mage and archer, then knight overlaps with irene’s classes inherited from frederick. magical irene is once again on the table, but given the nature of future!tharja, i feel like irene would be horribly scared of or at least averse to dark magic and against trying it for herself.

hair colour: dark hair colours always look good on irene... though grabbing it off tharja’s sprite was weird, because the sprite makes it look more brown than black. oh well.

sibling(s): while fred/tharja isn’t terrible, ohhhhh boy the implications it has for irene’s childhood isn’t fun. she and noire sound like good sisters, but... once frederick dies tharja snaps hard, and begins using noire as a guinea pig. given i hc frederick as one of the last to die, either irene is already knighted and in a horrible position to get noire out of that situation until their mother dies too, or frederick dies earlier and she ends up trapped in the abuse too. it’s just... a very sad situation and i can’t... i feel really bad putting irene in either of them. either she chases frederick and knighthood and unintentionally abandons noire, or she has to suffer future!tharja.

overall: despite the iffy future!tharja situation, i do think that the interactions with past!tharja and noire would make for really interesting character development. and you all know i am HERE for character development! frederick’s supports with tharja aren’t bad ones, but they’re not necessarily my favourites either. dunno, just... not huge on this one, but i don’t hate it!

final rating: ★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆ ( 5 hexes out of 10 )

olivia.

supports: this one was........... weird. like, it shows fred’s overbearingness extends to everyone when he’s trying to lend a hand and it’s really cute, but... mmmmmmmmmm i really don’t know. i like olivia with other people more and her supports can be kind of hit or miss as it is for me, even when i like the pairing.

inheritance: olivia doesn’t give dancer, what even is the point-- no, but irene could inherit myrmidon, pegasus knight, and since dancer is exclusive to olivia, mercenary! if you want g a l e f o r c e f a l c o n k n i g h t irene, it’s a good choice!

hair colour: irene with olivia’s pink is cute, but i like darker tones on her, personally...

sibling(s): irene being inigo’s younger sister could be fun? they’re both shy characters and deal with it in different ways-- irene threw herself into training, inigo followed the ‘talk to girls’ advice. i can see them lowkey clashing over that, but still being close? it sets up for really fun shenanigans in fates too, as irene and corbett go to fateslandia on their own and settle in hoshido, meanwhile inigo’s summoned there by anankos and ends up in nohr... on a less potentially tragic note, irene being soleil’s aunt is cute.

overall: this is another pairing i like more for the sibling than the parents, but it’s still a solid one! the supports are kind of weird to me, but then again as much as i love olivia her supports are... mmmmm. irene gets great classes out of the deal, as well as the coveted galeforce, and inigo is a fun brother. all in all, it’s one of the better ones!

final rating: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆ ( 7 dances out of 10 )

cherche.

supports: these are my absolute favourites, with sumia’s supports being just sliiiiightly behind them. i just love how highly frederick and cherche hold each other in high esteem from day one? they learn from each other, they snark about virion in private together, and their ending and their “famously disarming smiles” is so good??? power. couple.

inheritance: cherche passes down wyvern rider, cleric, and troubadour. healer irene is back in play, which i love!! she wouldn’t get minerva as a wyvern rider because gerome already has her, but it’s Fine.

hair colour: mmm, it looks so cute on her! i love cherche’s pink...

sibling(s): the contrast between brooding, distant gerome and gentle, shy irene is really fun to me! i feel like they’d be super close as kids but get along less as they grew older, but that also opens the doors for that sweet, sweet character development and reconciliation. and if you know anything about me, i live for character development.

overall: cherche is irene’s default mom for a reason. frederick’s and cherche’s supports are my favouites for them both, she lends really well to the idea of irene being less talented with offensive magic but having a hidden talent for healing, and her hair colour is pink-- but still that nice darker tone that i like on her. gerome is... a bit of a piece of work, but they contrast in an interesting way and the development that comes with reconciliation is appealing! so yeah! i love!!! cherche!irene!

final rating: ★★★★★★★★★★ ( 10 snacks for minerva out of 10 )

emmeryn.

supports: they, uh... don’t have any. the draw for fredemm in general is that he’s a knight and she’s the exalt, and i mean... it’s really a sweet concept! i do prefer emm/phila and frederick with other people, but it is an emmeryn ship i still really like! it does require some shifting things around on irene’s part as she’d now have to be older than all of the children to even exist in the bad timeline, but... eh. details.

inheritance: emm’s classes are the same ones as lissa’s, so see her section! as always with princess irene, the brand is on the back of her neck.

hair colour: it looks really close to lissa’s, but it’s just a little more saturated...

sibling(s): not counting emmeryn fankids, irene would be an only child. i guess that means she would treat lucina, her sibling, and owain like siblings of her own! that said, she would still undergo the lucina problem-- being related to falchion’s bearer and unable to wield it herself despite being a member of the exalted bloodline does a number on irene’s confidence and self image as a princess. now that i’m thinking about it, what if princess irene got geirskogul...

overall: if i’m doing princess irene, emmeryn is my favourite of the ylissean royal sibs to be her other parent. everything is a little more hc based and shifts around a bit based off portrayals and whatnot, but i really like exalted irene so it’s worth it!!

final rating: ★★★★★★★★☆☆ ( 8 miracles out of 10 )

just for fun...

anna.

aversa.

flavia.

say’ri.

tiki.

#♥┇lady knight. ( irene / headcanon )#♥┇it’s chii time. ( ooc )#IT'S FINALLY DONE...#LAYS ON THE GROUND...#is this what we call an absolute unit hc

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mysterylover123 · 7 years ago

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Maiko + Tropes

Back to Avatar the Last Airbender, where it all started. It’s time to do tropes for my ATLA OTP: Zuko/Mai. Prepare for some teenage grouchiness. (Sourced from TVTropes.) Also, Spoilers

1. ADORKABLE

Mai: Mai is not normally very adorkable, but around Zuko she gets all giggly and blushy. They express their love in very awkward and adorable ways. The B-story in "Nightmares and Daydreams" is a good example.

Zuko: All of his attempts to be a normal and friendly guy end up charming failures. Notably, he practices an apology to a frog, then proceeds to demand an answer.

2. ANTI-VILLAIN

Mai: Though not to the extent of Ty Lee (what with being a Jerk with a Heart of Gold instead of a straight-on Nice Girl), she is still only going up against the good guys because she works under someone who is evil.

Zuko: An early episode contrasts him with Zhao, who only wants to find the Avatar to bring himself glory while Zuko was only even there is to complete a mission so his father will love him.

3. BETA COUPLE

Mai: With Zuko.

Zuko: With Mai. While Aang and Katara dance around the issue, they're snuggling and watching sunsets. Flipped on its head in the comics, where Zuko and Mai go through a bad breakup while Aang and Katara are relatively stable Sickeningly Sweethearts.

4. BIRDS OF A FEATHER

Mai: With Zuko. They're both perpetually frowning Emo Teens with some kind of family issuewho are from the Fire Nation and use bladed weapons.

Zuko: With Mai. They're both perpetually frowning Emo Teens with some kind of family issue who are from the Fire Nation and use bladed weaponsWith Katara. They're both willful, compassionate, and emotional individuals who lost their respective mothers at a young age and are about equal in terms of bending abilities.

5. BROKEN BIRD

Mai: Her mother treated her like a liability instead of a daughter, was not allowed hobbies or even to speak unless spoken to, and her only friends were Ty Lee and Azula. No wonder Mai is so cynical and bitter.

Zuko: A rare male example; any innocence he had was lost between his father's and sister's abuse.

6. BROODING BOY, GENTLE GIRL

Mai: Zig zagged with Zuko — Both manage to be both with each other. For the brooding part, they both come from a dysfunctional family which led to them becoming Broken Birds but in different ways (Zuko having anger issues and Mai suppressing her emotions). As for the gentle part, both encourage one another to express themselves in healthier, non-problematic ways.

Zuko: Zig zagged with Mai — Both manage to be both with each other. For the brooding part, they both come from a dysfunctional family which led to them becoming Broken Birds but in different ways (Zuko having anger issues and Mai suppressing her emotions). As for the gentle part, both encourage one another to express themselves in healthier, non-problematic ways.Katara is the gentle girl to Zuko's brooding boy - they are a platonic variation of this trope, despite the Ship Tease.There's a very brief moment of this with Toph and Zuko - in "The Ember Island Players", Toph comforts Zuko while he's angsting over his Uncle. They go back to being Like Brother and Sister, though, when she punches him and informs him that "That's how I show affection."

7. CHARLES ATLAS SUPERPOWER

Mai: While turning her back on Azula at the Boiling Rock, she managed to consistently pin several guards onto solid metal architecture, using the same knives with which she attacks everything and everyone else. More passively, she's on even footing with the average elite bender, such as Early-Season-2 Katara and half the Terra Team sent to attack The Drill.

Zuko: While one of the most visibly muscular characters, he once punches a person across a room, and is seen shattering iron, steel, and wood with his kicks. All that training has served him well. Might be a result of Iroh's training: even among the Fire Nation, Iroh and Zuko are the only ones to display superhuman strength unrelated to bending.

8. CHILDHOOD FRIEND ROMANCE

Mai: In a flashback, we see her admiring Zuko from afar as kids.

Zuko: With Mai. There's a flashback to Puppy Love.

9. DEADPAN SNARKER

Mai: Has a very dry sense of humor.

Zuko: Since Zuko's the most ill-tempered character in the show, this is a given. He's actually a lot like Katara in that respect: particularly sarcastic in books one and two, less so for a part of book three, and then more so for the other half.For instance, after some random kids threw an egg at Earth Kingdom soldiers, they blame Zuko, who continually denies it. It eventually leads to this exchange:Gow: The egg had to come from somewhere! Zuko: Maybe a chicken flew over.He also manages to get in a few good ones at Sokka, of all people:Zuko: I think I'm a little past your level, Sokka. Why don't you practice with the Duke or something. Sokka: The Duke? But he's, like, eight years old! Zuko: He should be a good match for you, then.Even eight-year-old Zuko gets in on the action.Azula : You waste all your time playing with knives. You're not even good! Zuko : Put an apple on your head and we'll find out how good I am!

10. DEFROSTING ICE KING/QUEEN

Mai: Much like her boyfriend, except it takes her longer to thaw.

Zuko: It takes two and a half seasons, but he thaws with The Power of Friendship.

11. DUDE/CHICK MAGNET

Mai: Besides Zuko, another teen flirted with her in "The Beach", and Kei Lo admits to genuinely liking her.

Zuko: Sometimes in a relationship with Mai. He has loads of Ship Tease with Katara and a temporary love interest in the one-off character of Jin. The comics also have him being ship teased with Suki. Has almost as much onscreen romance as Sokka, plus a fan club and a bunch of random girls that swoon over him at the beach.

12. EERIE PALE SKINNED BRUNETTE

Mai: Emphasizing her emo personality.

Zuko: During the first season, where he has chalk-white skin coupled with a black ponytail. It later evens out slightly; sometimes his hair is dark brown instead of straight black, and he adopts a very slight tan that takes the edge off the eerie. That said, cutting off the ponytail and growing his hair out properly probably also helped.

13. HIDDEN DEPTHS

Mai: The gloomy knife thrower is a Cool Big Sis after off-screen Character Development.

Zuko: Badass, Determinator, Evil Prince -turned- The Atoner, is also a Momma's Boy and a lover of Turtleducks. In the "Ember Island Players", he gives hints that he likes theater, but just dislikes that specific group because while they have great special effects, they tend to butcher their stories. He admits to Toph that he's been doing Angst? What Angst? for some time, but the play is opening some hidden wounds.Toph: "Oh come on. Lighten up. They're just having fun." Zuko: "Fun? Of course you (Toph) like it. They made you a big buff guy! But to me... they're taking all the mistakes I made and throwing them right back in my face."His Uncle has indicated numerous times Zuko is also skilled with the fictional Tsungi horn.

14. JERK WITH A HEART OF GOLD

Mai: Generally quite a jerk but she has a soft spot for Zuko.

Zuko: He's Hot-Blooded and can still be quite rude, but Zuko is a good hearted person.

15. KICK THE DOG

Mai: In her first appearance, she turns down a hostage deal for her own infant brother.In the comics she dishes out a lot of emotional abuse against Zuko, although she still claims to care for him. She jokes about his death, his choice of friends after meeting Aang, and talks about how awful he is in general to Kei Lo.

Zuko: Often when he was in danger of becoming too nice, at least until his formal Heel–Face Turn in Book 3.

16. LONELY RICH KID

Mai: She has no friends other Ty-Lee and Azula, and they were off at the circus or war.

Zuko: He is the banished prince of the Fire Nation, but you can literally count the people who genuinely care for him on one hand (Iroh, Mai and Ursa). Eventually subverted when he makes his Heel–Face Turn, after which he becomes part of Aang's True Companions.

17. LOVE REDEEMS

Mai: She follows Zuko in Heel–Face Turn because of his turn and her love for him.

Zuko: Averted with Mai. He leaves her before switching to the good side and the two don't reconcile their relationship until after the final battle. Instead it was familial love for Iroh, whom he acknowledges as his true father figure and role model, that redeems him. The shame he feels for betraying his uncle's trust is part of what compels him to make his Heel–Face Turn. He also influenced Mai to follow suit and betray Azula.

18. THE MASOCHISM TANGO

Mai: Her relationship with Zuko is not healthy. The two love each other but their conflicting morals and lack of communication leads to countless fights and their constant break-ups. She spends pages in Avatar: The Last Airbender – Smoke and Shadow describing what a horrible boyfriend Zuko is and how badly a relationship with him had hurt her. This leads to her making harsh jokes at his expense and she expresses the need for her to "move on" by dating Kei Lo.

Zuko: Has this type of relationship with Mai. They love each other but constantly fight, do not understand each other, have different morals and are always breaking up only to get back together again. Mai tells Kei Lo about how miserable Zuko makes her feel and she later says it to Zuko's face about how much of an idiot she was to date him.

19. MEANINGFUL NAME

Mai: Mai is the Cantonese pronunciation of 袂 meaning "sleeve of a robe", which is where Mai conceals her weapons.Her name is phonetically similar to the Japanese mei (冥, めい), meaning "dark", which is relatable to her gloomy personality.

Zuko: Zuko's name is written in Chinese characters which read as "ancestor's robber". It may or may not be intentional, but Zuko is an actual name in a Filipino dialect. Its meaning? "Madness" or "Angry." And he spends a lot of time angry in the show...

20. MUGGLE-MAGE ROMANCE

Mai: In a relationship with Zuko.

Zuko: In a relationship with non-bender Mai.

21. NEW OLD FLAME

Mai: She and Zuko are a textbook "skip all the boring foreplay and get right to the intensity." Contrast with the heroic Official Couple, who were in the foreplay stage for fifty episodes. In this case we see a flashback of them as Childhood Friends before the reunion.

Zuko: Zuko and Mai are a textbook "skip all the boring foreplay and get right to the intensity." Contrast with the heroic Official Couple, who were in the foreplay stage for fifty episodes. In this case, we see a flashback of them as Childhood Friends before the reunion.

22. NOBLE DEMON

Mai: She may be on Azula's side, but she's not evil.

Zuko: Character Development for him in Season 1. He goes from burning down the Kyoshi Warriors' village in his pursuit of Aang to abandoning a later pursuit to keep his soldiers safe. Even right from the start, he threatens the South Pole villagers to get information on the Avatar but when Aang promises to come quietly if he leaves the Water tribe alone, Zuko agrees (and keeps his word).

23. OPPOSITES ATTRACT

Mai: She and Zuko somehow manage to be this and Birds of a Feather. Despite their apparent similarities, their temperaments are completely opposite: Zuko is a Hot-Blooded Determinator, whereas Mai is an emotionless Defrosting Ice Queen.

Zuko: He and Mai somehow manage to be this and Birds of a Feather. Despite their apparent similarities, their temperaments are completely opposite: Zuko is a Hot-Blooded Determinator, whereas Mai is an emotionless Defrosting Ice Queen.

24. PERPETUAL FROWNER

Mai: Even when she's cuddling with her boyfriend she's frowning.

Zuko: "I'm never happy." Though it is averted around Mai, and after he joins Team Avatar.

25. RED ONI, BLUE ONI

Mai: The blue to Ty Lee's red. Or, since Ty Lee describes Mai's aura as grey, and hers as pink, Mai's the Grey Oni to Ty Lee's Pink Oni.

Zuko: The emotional, easily angered Red Oni to his sister's calculating, eerily calm Blue Oni, though it's reversed after her Villainous Breakdown. This is enforced by the colors of the Flames they produce; Zuko's flames are red/orange, while Azula's are blue.The hot-tempered, loud Red Oni to Aang's positive, peace-loving Blue Oni, which is visualized through their facial markings (red scar vs. blue tattoos)

26. RELATIONSHIP REVOLVING DOOR

Mai: She is in a constant on-off relationship with Zuko. It's unstable to say the least. They get together only to break things off a few months later. They make up but then decide to call it quits again. It is supposed to be a contrast to Aang and Katara's solid relationship.

Zuko: His relationship with Mai is complicated and...unstable to say the least. They break up at least twice in the series and once again in the comics.

27. SOUR OUTSIDE SAD INSIDE

Mai: Like Zuko, she acts cold as a result of her past.

Zuko: He may act abrasive, but knowing his past, it's not hard to see why.

28. TALL DARK AND SNARKY

Mai: A raven-haired Snark Knight. It's a trait she shares with Zuko.

Zuko: Tallest teenager in the series with raven hair and a cynical attitude.

29. TOOK A LEVEL IN BADASS

Mai: Mai already established herself as a badass (but quiet and knife obsessed) Lady of War took a level in badass in the episode "The Boiling Rock, Part 2". Mai took out 13 prison guards and freed the gondola line to help Zuko and company escape the boiling rock prison...and Princess Azula. Although this could just be a case of Mai being Not So Stoic.

Zuko: He gradually improves throughout the series, but he makes dramatic improvements in season 3. It's then he learns to redirect the most powerful of lightning, holds his own against his sister, casually raise a huge fire tunnel that engulfs an entire hallway, and most importantly, firebends without relying on rage.

30. UNDYING LOYALTY

Mai: To Zuko. Even when their relationship is on the rocks, she remains loyal. Two instances: the Boiling Rock encounter where Zuko explains his treason and desertion and inspires her to defy Azula herself, and again in the "Rebound" free comic day issue where she discovers her father wants to use her as an insider against Zuko in a bid to put Ozai back on the throne.

Zuko: This is Zuko's greatest weakness and greatest strength. Loyalty kept Zuko on the side of his father and sister long after he stopped seeing things their way, but when he finally made up his mind to join Aang, he took a lot of punishment from them without complaint to win their trust, and he protected them over and over. In the sequel, Zuko abdicated the throne, naming his daughter Fire Lord, so that he could travel the world after Aang's death, to keep their dream alive while the Avatar could not.

31. WHEN HE/SHE SMILES

Mai: Just like her boyfriend, she frowns so often that she looks really cute when she smiles genuinely.

Zuko: The poor guy is frowning so often (and for good reason), the few times he gives a genuine smile are really heartwarming.

32. WELL, EXCUSE ME PRINCESS

Mai: To Zuko. She doesn't put up with his angsting.

Zuko: Something of a male version of this trope in regards to Mai. She doesn't put up with his brooding and temperamental nature, instead encouraging him to lighten up.

#Avatar The Last Airbender #mai x zuko #zuko #maiko #atla maiko #mai #TV Tropes #parallels #atla shipping #atla #tropes #shipping

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strangcrdoctor · 6 years ago

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∞Guardians commentary time, because I was honestly too wiped out to get to it last night but I’m still very up for it now.

1. So here’s my question about the opening sequence on Morag. If Ronan had hired the people that faced off with Quill in the opening sequence on Morag, was it just the case that Ronan’s men arrived 2.5 minutes too late, like Peter arrived just early enough to beat out Yondu? Because initially my impression was that they were indigenous and guarding it, but I know now that not to be the case because Korath is very much a devotee of Ronan, etc. But even if it is the case that Peter beat Ronan’s people, holy timing Batman. Seriously kudos to Quill for being even if incidentally two steps ahead of even Ronan’s game. 2. Okay one, Nova Prime Irani Rael is a hot piece and two she definitely deserves to be the girlfriend of General Leia Organa you can disagree with me but that makes you a suspect human being. Anyway, Rael making the diplomatic call to the Kree to denounce Ronan was not out of bounds for normal statecraft. Especially with a new and tenuous alliance, she’s not only right in calling bullshit that the Kree empire has said nothing to denounce Ronan, but she’s also right in advising they make a statement to stabilize their early peace because early peace is amazingly fragile. But like way to not maintain an alliance at all Kree Empire. You suck. 3. The actual diversity of felons on the Kyln is pretty neat, I’m not going to lie. Not just interspecies representation but also body type representation. There’s big very obviously non-straight criminals. There’s cool as shit looking alien species. There’s chubby feminine looking criminals! Tell me who they are Marvel! Tell me. 4. Now that Thanos’ real character has been revealed in the course of IW it is no damn wonder why Thanos thought of Ronan as a petulant child. Granted, Thanos’ logic is worse in that it is slightly better, but by comparison Thanos is an overly dire pragmatist were Ronan is very much just a racist bigot with a power complex. Thanos predictably find’s Ronan’s racial shortsightedness pithy, and I really have zero doubt that if Ronan had actually gone to piss on Thanos’ front lawn he would not have lasted long. 5. On the other hand, really Thanos. #1 piece of advice in the universe is don’t torture and dismantle women and then trust them to be complicit. You will die. 6. If anyone doesn’t feel pelvic sorcery during a close listening to Fooled Around & Fell In Love they are definitely soulless. 7. I also really really want to know what the hell they were drinking on Knowhere that got Rocket and Drax drunk (I mean who knows they might both be lightweights but I doubt it.), because Stephen wants some. 8. I’ll come right out and say it it’s a fucking shame that Tivan’s collection gets blown to hell. Not because Tivan isn’t twisted as hell keeping live specimens and slaves to himself, but more on the “holy crap what cool stuff just got destroyed that the universe will never see again” kind of way. It’s like the burning of the Library of Alexandria, only somehow worse. 9. The nods given to Thor: The Dark World and The Avengers are of course interesting given there’s a Dark Elf and a Chitauri, but I’m super curious about what made those particular specimens of each special enough for Tivan to keep them. Tivan deals with the depths and breadths of the universe coming in and out of Knowhere, and he doesn’t just snag one item from every species or race he comes across. So was there something interesting in particular about that Dark Elf and that Chitauri? Was the Chitauri one of the only remaining survivors after the nuclear explosion? Was the Dark Elf one of Malekith’s higher ups? I’m just curious about them, and curious about Tivan’s reasoning for keeping them. 10. Okay but adding to this whole Tivan’s collection tangent, Cosmo the Space dog cracks me up and not just because it’s funny for Tivan to have a doggie cosmonaut in his collection. Cosmo is a legit character in the Guardians comics, and he’s head of security on Knowhere and telepathic. So even if Tivan is keeping him in his collection or is just trying to keep him out of the way for something, just imagine what it’s like having an angry Russian dog thinking at you all the time because you’re getting in the way of him doing his job. 11. Slightly different bend on the Tivan train, but Carina legitimately just heard Tivan talk about how the stone was capable of destroying even a whole group of people who tried to wield it, and she was still willing to take the risk of being incinerated rather than living with her current conditions. Carina wasn’t resolutely making the hero play - she was making a suicide play knowing full well it would end that way if the hero play didn’t work. 12. When Yondu states that Peter doesn’t give a rip about Terra like. Dude. How many fucking references in this movie has he made to Terran culture? Music and movies and art and holy shit would you look at that, he sure as hell talks like a more culturally integrated human than anything else you twat waffle. Great way to piss him off though and get him to play it your way, which granted is what I think Yondu was probably doing the whole time but still. You don’t look at this boy who idolizes Footloose and knows who Jackson Pollock is and tell him he doesn’t care about Earth. Caring about Footloose and Jackson Pollock at all is a labor of love. 13. Speaking of Yondu, how the fuck is that the jewel frog bauble considered by anyone to be worth of the “high end” community? On top of it just hurting me, it does really raise the question of how is trite crap like that so valuable? Does it have some vector of worth and rarity because its origins are weird, obscure, or finite? Are the gems magical artifacts of some kind? Are the wealthy in space that mother-fucking self-ironic? Because if they are I want to know them. 14. Peter Quill, everyone, who makes a dick message to garner trust 15. Not for the first for for the last time will I say this, but Ravager tech is impressive. And I am amazingly intrigued at how Ravagers got such good technology and resources on their hands. True, they steal things and make money off of trades and pilfering. But that isn’t the only way to acquire goods and it’s not the only thing a viable pirating economic model can survive off of. Half the reason the Ravagers succeed is because they run like a business, have clientele, and are clientele for certain sects, right? So what kind of powerful connections do they have that allow them their advanced fleets? That’s the kind of shit I want to know about. 16. Also what the hell are Ronan’s pilots with the weird glowy psychic spheres on the Dark Aster? Is the Dark Aster itself Kree technology, or something Ronan got from Thanos who appropriated it from some other world he’s conquered? Because we know so little about the Kree in the MCU it’s hard to say, but I suppose we’ll have to wait and see if the Kree ever do become a part of canon so we can have more data with which to make a comparison. 17. Guardians does a pretty good job of taking at least some time to portray how terrible aerial dogfighting is on a mass scale because honestly it’s a bloody nightmare. It’s pictured so often and so carelessly in film that it’s not something we often think about, and the only movie I’ve ever seen that addresses how it feels in human terms is Dunkirk, but the intensity and messiness of it in Guardians is still pretty realistic and I give it props for that. 18. It occurs to me that maybe the younger, post-GOTG Groot is so bitter and antisocial for a while because of how giving the elder Groot was, and the seedling felt the sacrifice and his existence was under-appreciated? It was just a thought that crossed my mind. 19. Also Ronan you twat. “Engage Immolation Initiative” is just Big Mean & Fancy for “light ‘em up fuckers,” don’t pretend you’re any cooler than anyone else. 20. I really really appreciate the design that went into the Xandarian cityscape as a fully intergalactic multicultural society that shows it even in the way the city and buildings are assembled. The city isn’t uniform like a lot of science-fiction cities are - it’s got texture. Different sectors have different styles of buildings and different architecture. Like a real metropolitan area, it’s a patchwork of influences and it’s very well done. 21. Kudos to Rocket for identifying that ground-to-air is a super viable defense strategy. One thing that people tend to forget about ground-to-air is that aside from clouds, there’s no obstacles behind which to hide in the sky, so while ground defense might seem clumsy at times, air offense is hugely precarious because there is absolutely no defense mechanism against any attack except maneuvering, and when a defense is fully able to target that weakness it’s pretty damn effective. 22. It’s interesting to me how well superhero movies integrate climaxes within battle sequences? Some people might call it lazy but I call it interesting when when defense lines break, plans fail, and when teams encounter interference to push the plot forward. Plot movement in Marvel movies curry a lot of momentum from these events, but actually they’re pretty interesting replications of how modern society has been built on the results of such events within our own history. History has been moved by these exact same sorts of events, which is why they make sense to us in storytelling. 23. Peter protecting Groot from Rocket’s crash into the into the Dark Aster? Golden. And then Peter immediately going to Rocket from the wreckage? Stellar. Peter Quill you are a gem. 24. I will never forgive Marvel for hurting me as bad with “We are Groot” as Warner Brothers did with “Suuuuuperman” in Iron Giant. Stop giving Vin Diesel more opportunities to rip my heart out of my chest, please. 25. My mom and my uncle, her brother, both adored the entire GOTG soundtrack so much and it brought them so much joy watching it together that it got me into Motown. Even though it was oblique and dorky, Marvel did something amazing with this movie and gave my parents a piece of their own youth back, while giving me a chance to share in their knowledge and experience. It’s stuck with me ever since, especially because fundamentally that experience is the reason I got into Motown music, which I now adore with all my heart.

Alright, done with that. These are... just getting longer and longer I’m sorry guys no one should have ever allowed me to do this. Oh well. Too late to stop me now. Captain America: The Winter Solider is up next, and oh the pain.∞

#''the doctor is out #''marvel meta field notes #''MMFN

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authormitchel-blog · 7 years ago

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SS: Part 6

“I don’t know how you do this?” breathed Ron, his breath coming out in a mist around him. It was chilly in the dungeons Snape’s room in particular, but it was something that Harry was getting used to, Ron, not so much. Christmas was coming and overnight it seemed as if all the snow the clouds had to offer dumped themselves down on Hogwarts at once.

“I do feel so sorry,” said Draco Malfoy, one Potions class, “for all those people who have to stay at Hogwarts for Christmas because they’re not wanted at home.”

He was looking over at Harry as he spoke. Crabbe and Goyle chuckled, but they were the only ones. If only you knew, Harry thought at Mafoy. Malfoy had been even more unpleasant than usual since the Quidditch match.

It was true that Harry wasn’t going back to Pivet Drive for Christmas. Professor McGonagall had come around the week before, making a list of students who would be staying for the holidays, and Harry had signed up at once. He didn’t feel sorry for himself at all; this would probably be the best Christmas he had ever had. Ron and his brothers were staying, too, because Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were going to Romania to visit Charlie. Blaise was one of the only Slytherins beside himself staying at the castle, something vague about his mother and her new husband that he refused to elaborate on.

When they left the dungeons at the end of Potions, they found a large fir tree blocked the corridor ahead. Two enormous feet sticking out at the bottom and a loud puffing sound told them Hagrid was behind it.

“Hi, Hagrid, need any help?” Ron asked, sticking his head through the branches.

“Nah, I’m all right, thanks, Ron.”

“Would you mind moving out of the way?” came Malfoys cold drawl from behind them. “Are you trying to earn some extra money, Weasley? Hoping to be gamekeeper yourself when you leave Hogwarts, I suppose—that hut of Hagrid’s must seem like a palace compared to what your family’s used to.”

Ron dived at Malfoy just as Snape came up the staris.

“WEASLEY!”

“He was provoked, Professor Snape,” said Hagrid. “Malfoy was insulting his family.”

“Be that as it may, fighting is against Hogwarts rules, Hagrid,” said Snape silkily. “Five points from Gryffindor, and be grateful that it isn’t more. Move along, all of you.”

The three boys pushed passed them leaving needles everywhere.

“I’ll get him,” said Ron, grinding his teeth at Malfoy’s back, “one of these days, I’ll get him—“

After chatting with Hagrid, Hermione found them and escorted them to the library. Harry knew Hagrid would be tight lipped at the subject of Nicholas Flamel. He wasn’t in Great Wizards of the Twentieth Century, or Notable Magical Names of Our Times, he was missing, too, from Important Modern Magical Discoveries, and A Study of Recent Developments in Wizardry.

Going off of Hermione’s detailed list they set to work. Madame Pince the librarian was quick to shoo him out of the restricted section, but since that train was leaving the next day they hardly had any time at all to try to figure out the mystery of Nicholas Flamel.

Once the holidays had started, Ron and Harry were having too good a time to think much about Flamel. Roasting marshmellows, and plotting ways to get Malfoy expelled from school took up the majority of their time. Ron even started teaching Harry wizard chess. One of Ron’s dorm mates Seamus Finnigan had lent Harry his chess set before he went home for Christmas, but it turned out there was another one in the Slytherin common room.

“Care to play, Potter,” Millicent Bulstrode asked him as he walked into the common room. “My hands getting a little sore having spanked Blaise so often.”

“Ha ha,” Blaise mocked, though he smiled at her affectionately. When she heard Harry was staying Millicent had owled her family and told them that she too would be staying behind.

“With you staying Potter I’m sure they’ll be some action that I simply cannot miss. My parents will understand,” she had said. Grateful either way she was going to be useful if he was ever going to beat Ron at chess.

Smiling, he accepted her invitation, as Blaise moved to the side to watch them play. “She’s tricky, Potter, you’ve got to watch her.”

Harry and Millicent shared a smile. “I think I can handle it.”

On Christmas Eve, Harry went to bed looking forward to the next day for the food and the fun, but not expecting any presents at all. When he woke early in the morning, however, the first thing he saw was a small pile of packages at the foot of his bed.

“Happy Christmas, Potter,” said Blaise sleepily as Harry scrambled out of bed and pulled on his bathrobe.

“You too,” said Harry. “Will you look at this? I’ve got some presents!”

“What did you expect?” said Ron, turning to his own pile, which was a lot bigger than Harry’s.

Harry picked up the top parcel. It was wrapped in thick brown paper and scrawled across it was To Harry From Hagrid. Inside was a roughly cut wooden flute. Hagrid had obviously whittled it himself. Harry blew it—it sounded a bit like an owl.

A second, very small parcel contained a note.

We received your message and enclose your Christmas present. From Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. Taped to the note was a fifty-pence piece.

“Your slave wages?” asked Blaise, though he was fascinated by the fifty pence.

“This is money?” he asked.

“You can keep it,” said Harry, laughing at how pleased Blaise seemed to be.

“Hagrid, and my aunt and uncle –so who sent the rest of these?”

“I think I know who that one’s from,” said Blaise, pointing at a rather neatly wrapped box. “I caught Millie flipping through a wizarding catalog a few weeks ago, but I wouldn’t go asking her about it, she’d just deny it was from her.”

Harry opened the package slowly, pulling out a rather large camera.

“Wow!” exclaimed Blaise. “That witch, she got you the newest model and all she got me was this mirror.”

Harry looked over at him.

“Suits you,” he said, remembering that he needed to thank Millicent, in the most inconspicuous way possible, of course.

Blaise moved to the side of his bed, ducking under before pulling out something for Harry as well.

He handed it to Harry. “It’s not from me,” he said with a smirk.

Harry took it gratefully, reaching for the Slytherin scarf he had gotten for Blaise a few weeks ago.

“So you have something new to look at in that mirror of yours,” said Harry.

The next package was from Ron’s mother, Mrs. Weasley. He had also attached a note: I told my mum that you didn’t expect any presents this year. Sorry, but those muggles of you really are quite awful. Every year she makes us a sweater, welcome to the club.

It was a thick, hand knitted sweater in emerald green and a large box of homemade fudge.

He’d have to send her a thank you note. He’d send it out when he saw Hedwig at breakfast. Next was a large box of Chocolate Frogs from Hermione. He’d hope she liked what he had sent her.

The last parcel was surprisingly light despite his size. He unwrapped it.

Something fluid and silvery gray went slithering to the floor where it lay in gleaming fields. Blaise gasped.

“Is that….?” He said in a hushed voice, dropping his next present onto the bed, Harry’s scarf still tied around his neck.

“What is it?”

Harry picked up the shining, silvery cloth off the floor. It was strange to the touch, like water woven into material.

“It’s valuable, Potter. I wouldn’t go telling many people about it, if I were you, especially in this dorm,” warned Blaise. Harry nodded in understanding.

“It’s an invisibility cloak,” said Blaise, a look of awe on his face. “Well, don’t just hold it Potter, put it on.”

Harry threw the Cloak around his shoulders and Blaise gave an uncharacteristic shriek.

“Look down!” he exclaimed.

Harry looked down at his feet, but they were gone. He dashed to the mirror. Sure enough, his reflection looked back at him, just his head suspended in midair, his body completely invisible. He pulled the Cloak over his head and his reflection vanished completely.

“There’s a note!” said Blaise suddenly. “A note fell out when you went to the mirror.”

Harry pulled off the Cloak and seized the letter. Written in narrow, loopy writing he had never seen before were the following words:

Your father left this in my possession before he died. It is time it was returned to you. Use it well.

A Very Merry Christmas to you

There was no signature. Harry stared at the note while Blaise was admiring the Cloak.

“You’re lucky, Potter,” he said. “What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” said Harry. He felt very strange. Who had sent the Cloak? Had it really once belonged to his father?

Before he could say or think anything else the dormitory door was flung open and in walked Millicent. Harry chucked the cloak out of sight. He didn’t feel like sharing it with anyone else yet.

“Happy Christmas,” she greeted. “I liked my new broach Zabini, steal it from your mother?”

Blaise laughed. “She has enough of them, but that one suited your eyes.”

“Free Christmas presents make you cheap, you know,” she told him though she clearly wasn’t that upset about it.

Turning to Harry, “And thanks for the bracelet, Potter. I was surprised to see you had that much taste. Sorry I didn’t get you anything.”

Harry nodded, Slytherins.

“Yeah, no worries, I love what I did get though,” Harry assured her pointedly.

Since there were so few students there for the Christmas Hols everyone opted to sit together. Percy, Ron’s brother, was ushered over by Fred and George to where they were all sitting though he tried to sneak over to the prefect area. Harry had never in all his life had such a Christmas dinner. So much delicious food, and there were also stacks of wizard crackers spread along every few feet along the table. These fantastic party favors were nothing like the feeble Muggle ones the Dursleys usually bought, with their little plastic toys and their flimsy paper hats inside. Harry pulled a wizard cracker with Fred and it didn’t just bang, it went off with a blast like a cannon and engulfed them all in a cloud of blue smoke, while from the inside exploded a rear admiral’s hat and several live, white mice.

Up at the high table, the Professors were all having a grand old time. Professor Dumbledore had swapped his hat for a flowered bonnet and was chatting merrily with Professor Flitwick.

Harry, the Weasley’s Millicent and Blaise all spent a happy afternoon together having a furious snowball fight on the grounds. After bribing Millicent and Blaise with a peak into the Gryffindor common room the group spent time getting warm by the fire. Harry thought he had finally lost it because the time the three of them returned to the dungeons he was almost grateful for the chill down there. Gryffindor tower had just been too hot for him.

It had been Harry’s best Christmas day ever. Yet something had been nagging at the back of his mind all day. Not until he climbed into bed was he free to think about it: the Invisibility Cloak and whoever had sent it.

Blaise wore out from leading quite the charge against a band of Weasley’s during the snowball fight had quickly fallen asleep as soon as he’d drawn his curtains. Harry leaned over the side of his own bed, and pulled the cloak from under it.

His father’s….. this had been his father’s. He let the material flow over his hands, smoother than silk, light as air. Use it well, the note had said. He had to try it, now. He slipped out of bed and wrapped the Cloak around himself. Looking own at his legs, he saw only moonlight and shadows. It was a very funny feeling.

Use it well.

Suddenly, Harry felt wide awake. He could go anywhere in this, anywhere, and Filch would never know. The whole of Hogwarts was open to him. What about Blaise? Should Harry wake him?

No, this first time, with his father’s cloak, no, he wanted to do this alone. He crept out of the dorm room, and left the dungeons behind him. Harry, Ron and Hermione had been through nearly every inch of the library, but one. The Restricted Section.

With this, he’d be able to read as long as he liked, as long as it took to find out who Flamel was. The library was pitch-black and very eerie. Harry lit a lamp on his way along the rows of books. It floated along, seemingly, in thin air.

The Restricted Section was right at the back of the library. Harry stepped carefully over the rope that separated these books from the rest of the library, holding up his lamp to read the titles.

They didn’t tell him much, but a large, black and silver volume caught his eye. He pulled it out with difficulty, because it was very heavy, and, balancing it on his knee, it fell open.

A piercing, bloodcurdling shriek split the silence – the book was screaming! Harry snapped it shut, but the shriek went on and one, one high, unbroken, earsplitting note. He stumbled backward and dropped his lamp, it went out at once. Panicking, he heard footsteps coming down the corridor outside--- stuffing the shrieking book back on the shelf, he ran for it. He passed Filch in the doorway; Filch’s pale, wild eyes looked straight through him, and Harry slipped under Filch’s outstretched arm and streaked off up the corridor, the book still shrieking loudly.

He stopped when he heard Filch’s voice.

“You asked me to come directly to you, Professor, if anyone was wandering around at night, and somebody’s been in the library – Restricted Section.” To his horror, it was Snape who replied, “The Restricted Section? Well, they can’t be far, we’ll catch them.”

Harry backed against the wall, knowing that they couldn’t see them, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t knock into him. They walked straight past him, and Harry leaned against the wall, breathing deeply, listening to their footsteps dying away. That had been close, very close. It was a few seconds before he noticed anything about the room he had hidden in.

It looked like an unused classroom. He could see the dark shapes of desks and chairs, but propped against the wall facing him was something that didn’t look as if it belonged there, something that looked as if someone had put it there to keep it out of the way.

It was a magnificent mirror, as high as the ceiling, with an ornate gold frame, standing on two clawed feet. There was an inscription carved around the top: Erised stra ehru oy ube cafru oyt on wohsi. Harry moved closer to the mirror, forgetting Filch and Snape. He stepped in front of it, but couldn’t see his reflection.

Turning away, then back he had to clasp his hands to his mouth to stop himself from screaming. He whirled around. His heart was pounding far more furiously than when the book had screamed—for he had seen not only himself in the mirror, but a whole crowd of people standing right behind him.

But the room was empty. Breathing very fast, he turned slowly back to the mirror.

There he was, reflected in it, white and scared-looking, and there, reflected behind him, were at least ten others. Harry looked over his shoulder—but still, no one was there. Or were they all invisible, too? He looked in the mirror again. A woman standing right behind his reflection was smiling at him and waving. He reached out a hand and felt the air behind him. If she was really there, he’d touch her, their reflections were as close together, but he felt only air—she and the others existed only in the mirror.

She was a very pretty woman. She had dark red hair and her eyes – her eyes are just like mine, Harry thought, edging a little closer to the glass. Bright green, exactly the same shape, but then he noticed that she was crying, crying and smiling at the same time. The tall, thin, black haired man standing next to her put his arm around her. He wore glasses, and his hair was very untidy. It stuck up at the back, just as Harry’s did.

“Mom?” he whispered. “Dad?”

They just looked at him, smiling. And slowly, Harry looked into the mirror, and saw other pairs of green eyes like his, other noses like his, other people, some looked like him, some didn’t, but their eyes were all full of love. Harry was looking at his family, for the first time in his life.

His family smiled and waved at Harry and he stared hungrily back at them, his hands pressed flat against the glass as though he was hoping to fall right through it and reach them. He had a powerful kind of ache inside him, half joy, half terrible sadness.

How long he stood there, he didn’t know. The reflections did not fade and he looked and looked until a distant noise brought him back to his senses. He couldn’t stay here, he had to find his way back to bed. He tore his eyes away from his mother’s face, whispered, “I’ll come back,” and hurried from the room.

Harry couldn’t eat the next day.

He had seen his parents and would be seeing them again tonight. He had almost forgotten about Flamel. It didn’t seem very important anymore. Who cared what the three headed dog was guarding? What did it matter if Snape stole it, really?

He was going to see his parents.

“Are you all right?” asked Blaise. “You look odder than normal, Potter.”

“I’m fine, Zabini,” he assured him, not noticing the skeptical look the dark skinned boy gave him in return.

What Harry feared most was that he might not be able to find the mirror room again. Thankfully, he had remember the steps he took getting back to the dorm last night so he was able to retrace his steps.

He pushed open the door. Harry dropped the Cloak from around his shoulders and ran to the mirror.

There they were. His mother and father beamed at the sight of him. It was just like it was yesterday. His mother and father standing behind him smiling, the rest of his family looking at him like they were happy to see him. Then someone else stepped into frame.

“What is this?” Blaise asked.

Harry turned. “None of your business, Zabini. What are you even doing here?” Harry tried to move in front of the mirror. Desperate to hide the evidence of his family from Blaise’s view, but being taller than he was, there was no way Blaise could miss them.

Blaise looked in the mirror eyes blown. Was he that surprised to see Harry’s parents? He could hear the other boy breathing before Blaise spoke with a stuttering voice.

“Harry,”

It was one of the first times Blaise had ever called him by his given name.

“Do you see them?” Harry asked, suddenly curious now that his secret was out.

“I see it, do you?” He sounded desperate, but didn’t take his eyes from the mirror.

“My parents, they’re here Blaise,” said Harry excitedly.

Blaise looked at him then, forcibly turning his head away from the mirror. “Your parents?” he asked Harry, voice weak. The calm, stoic face and personality that the Slytherin boy was known for slowly started to come back as he gazed at Harry.

“You see your parents?”

“Don’t you?” asked Harry. “They’re right there.” Harry pointed to the mirror, taking Blaise’s spot in front of the mirror.

“Get away from there!” Blaise pulled him back. “There’s something wrong with it.”

“Nonsense, you’re just trying to keep it for yourself,” barked Harry.

A sudden noise outside in the corridor put an end to their discussion. They hadn’t realized how loudly they had been talking.

“Quick!” shouted Harry, getting under his cloak and making room for Blaise to follow him.

Harry threw the cloak over them as the luminous eyes of Mrs. Norris came round the door. Blaise and Harry stood perfectly still until after not seeing anything she turned and left.

“This isn’t safe—she might have gone for Filch, I bet she heard us. Come on,” said Blaise, pulling Harry out of the room.

The snow still hadn’t melted the next morning.

“Want to play chess, Harry?” said Millicent.

“No.”

“Do you want to go visit Hagrid?” asked Blaise.

“No… I’m fine.”

Blaise gave him a look.

“I know what you’re thinking, and I wouldn’t if I were you.”

“Why not?”

Blaise leaned in so no one could hear him.

“There was something wrong with that thing, besides if Filch or Mrs. Norris find you they’ll take you straight to Snape.”

Harry almost laughed.

“I’m not afraid of Snape. Thanks for your touching concern, Blaise, but I think I can handle it.”

Blaise huffed, but left it alone, getting up from his seat to take Millie up on her offer of chess.

But Harry didn’t mind. He had just one thought in his head, which was getting back in front of the mirror, and no one was going to stop him.

That third night he found his way more quickly than before. He was walking so fast he knew he was making more noise than was wise, but he didn’t meet anyone.

And there were his mother and father smiling at him again, and one of his relatives smiling happily. Harry sank down on the floor in front of the mirror. There was nothing to stop him from staying all night if he wanted too. Nothing at all.

Except---

“So—back again Harry?”

Harry felt as though his insides had turned to ice. He looked behind him. Sitting on one of the desks by the wall was none other than Albus Dumbledore. Harry must have walked straight past him, so desperate to get to the mirror he hadn’t noticed him.

“I—I didn’t see you, sir.”

“Strange how nearsighted being invisible can make you,” said Dumbledore, and Harry was relieved to see that he was smiling. Out of bed after curfew, roaming the hills, in a room he sure wasn’t supposed to be in, Harry knew that he could be in a load of trouble, but the kindly headmaster didn’t seem to be concerned about any of those things.

“So,” said Dumbledore, slipping off the desk to sit on the floor beside Harry. “you, like hundreds before you, have discovered the delights of the Mirror of Erised.”

“The Mirror of Erised, sir?”

“Ah, you didn’t know it’s name, but I’m sure by now you have figured out what it does?”

“It—well—it shows me my family—“

“Yes, but it showed Mr. Zabini something else?”

“Yeah, he didn’t see them, but they were standing right there in front of him, but how…”

“I don’t need a cloak to become invisible,” said Dumbledore gently, “Now, can you think what the Mirror of Erised shows us all?”

Harry shook his head, not wanting to give the wrong answer, and not wanting his to be discounted either.

“Let me explain. The happiest man on earth would be able to use the Mirror of Erised like a normal mirror, that is, he would look into it and see himself exactly as he is. Does that help?”

Harry thought. Then he said slowly, recognition dawning. “It shows us what we want…..whatever we want….”

“Yes and no,” said Dumblefore quietly. “It shows us nothing more or less than the deepest, most desperate desire of our hearts. You, who have never known your family, see them standing around you. I imagine, Mr. Zabini sees something similar, but that is for him to say.”

“You don’t know?” Harry asked.

“No, Harry, every person who gazes into this mirror will see something different. We hardly bother to see what is other than what is right in front of us. Men have wasted away before it, entranced by what they have seen, or been driven mad, not knowing if what it shows is real or even possible.”

“The Mirror will be moved to a new home tomorrow, Harry, and I ask you not to go looking for it again. If you ever do run across t, you will now be prepared. It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that. Now, why don’t you pull that admirable Cloak back on and get off to bed.”

Harry stood up and turned to the door.

“Professor, if everyone sees something different then what do you see when you look in the mirror?”

“I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks.”

Harry stared.

“One can never have enough socks,” said Dumbledore. “Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.”

He was lying. Harry was sure, but he knew it had been a personal question. Though as he moved past the others bed back in his dormitory and ignored Blaise’s pointedly ignoring him Harry thought that maybe he hadn’t been lying to him after all.

#slytherin!Harry #Slytherin Harry #Harry Potter #Harry Potter rewrite #Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone rewrite #ssp6

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avianhaven · 7 years ago

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Here's my trans keroro fucking gunsou headcanons y'all. i ended up derailing myself on multiple points but uhh

> tamama is trans and tbh this one isn't even a headcanons he's like....legit trans. Trans little gay boy.

> fuyuki and natsumi are Both trans and they swapped name kanji. The "mi" and "ki" at the end of their names they got from one another bc gendered language. So yeah dead names would he fuyumi / natsuki and they don't mind people knowing bc it's like...familial bond thing they love their names and the seasonal motif of them. Natsuki can technically be a girls name I think but again, Familial Bonds. > hey btw in the ep where they introduce sumomo and oddly enough the first damn girl fuyuki shows actual interest in ends up being her after she does her magical girl transformation ? but also natsumi getting knda angry abt it and blushing and it’s meant to be in a jealousy way but In Reality that’s just natsumi trying to work thru her internalized homophobia. they both have the same fucking taste nkkjn these siblings. so yeah, natsumi is bi, obviously.

> this isnt rly a transcanon but uhh the village koyuki grew up in didnt have a traditional gender system. the western binary sex model didnt infect them so they treated all their ninja kiddos basically the same but yeah. koyuki didnt grow up with cishet normativity which is why she’s openly a huge lesbian with no remorse and i love her and her love for natsumi is so pure and good that is all. koyuki is wlw culture.

> uhh same general vein but didnt saburo grow up with aliens or whatever? in the manga which i did not read bc i read One (1) volume in middle school and it made me super uncomfy w it’s gross sexualization of teen girls. but yeah, i read his wikia bio and no offense but aliens dont have earth gender systems so saburo is technically a nb dude is what i’m getting at.

> the moral reality is that all aliens are trans bc why would alien frogs abide by earth rules and its terrible faulty binarist gender systems tbqh

> kururu is uh. kururu but also kururu doesnt know how to respect women none of the platoon knows how to respect women except dororo and the retconned “giroro who cares for natsumi in a strictly overprotective older sibling / otherwise gun toting uncle kinda dynamic instead of crushing on a fucking 15 year old” pls and thank you.

but yeah uhh 966 Likes grr and that’s gay tbh kururu is a gr8 character he again just needs to learn to respect women but that’s the writers fault u kno? this entire terrible damn show is the writer’s fault and if given the opportunity i would kill krr creator in real life.

> arbitrary, but uhh dororo's mom is trans also. Like, she doesn't have the mostly white coloration that most girls in the series have and I mean krr's mom is the same too so ig all keronians grow out of it, just for girls it takes longer, ex: pururu but she's in canon vain and has an aging complex (which is...irritating writing honestly but anyway)

But yeah the mask kinda makes it look almost like she has a younger girl keronians coloration and that's? Trans culture. actually while im at it pururu? also trans she got the alien equivalent of hormone blockers at a young age and her concern with aging is her fear of her youthful blatant girliness wearing off. also ive only seen maybe 2 of them but already im so sick of the pururu bad hetero love plots give her a girlfriend and let bariri move forward with his life. shitpost: bariri crushin’ on giroro’s older brother is the new bad love subplot.

> dororo ain't a cisgender and tbh that mask they wear is like..kinda trans. My hc is that under the mask dororo doesn't have that white color under the chin, like a mutation or whatever.

But yeah continuing above pt w drr's mom, half the reason for the mask is that it kinda makes it look like an in-between skin coloration and that's trans culture.

Tbh my dororo headcanons are all over the place bc A, I'm bias' and B I'm just legitimately not sure. Canon things abt dororo tho: -had a terrible fucking crush on krr as a kid that they regret very, Very deeply. -gay for giroro -that one cute flower planting episode where dororo says “ill plant flowers for girls, and even more flowers for the whole planet” dororo may or may not like women romantically but nonetheless they have a degree in Respecting Women. -looks rly cute in dresses and when they did that one power rangers rip off dororo got pink and a heart helmet that’s trans culture. -legit changed their name and everyone respects that except that one robot guy ig. also i rewatched that ep and uhh giroro was the first one to respect dororo’s name change? heart emoji. -drr is also like....very traumatized i kno it’s a comedy but that fucking assassin corps backstory killed my ass in middle school. but uh gender would be the last thing on a person’s mind w that kinda shit going on also a childhood with keroro is also its own brand of painful. actual uhh gender hcs tho include: intersex nb mlm solidarity to koyuki who’s lesbianism is a very distinct personality trait of hers. dororo themself isnt sure abt gender stuff, just is gay for dudes and cares abt girls well-being, it’s whatev. this is abt 60% projecting also btw.

#tiatext #nb #keroro #keroro gunsou #mine #headcanons #i forget my organization tags......whoops #krr overanalysis

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shima-draws · 7 years ago

Note

What is this Keroro thing you're drawing? :0

Anonymous said: Ooh! What’s Keroro Gunsou??

OKAY OKAY SO

This got really long sorry but

It’s from this series called Sgt Frog/Keroro Gunsou (I refer to it as the latter, since I prefer the sub to the dub)! It’s a series that’s been with me for a very very long time, probably one of the first anime shows I watched back in middle school…it’s like, super important to me and I love it a lot :’)

It’s about these alien frog invaders called the Keroro Platoon! They’re trying to invade Earth (they call it Pekopon) but they absolutely SUCK at it lmfao

So, for our main cast of characters we have:

Keroro: The leader of the platoon! He’s the green one. He’s absolutely useless and prefers to laze around reading manga and spending his army savings on Gundam models rather than fulfilling his mission to invade the planet. He’s sort of a prisoner to the Hinata family, and their youngest child, Fuyuki, is his best friend. Keroro’s come close to succeeding in invasion multiple times, but what usually stops him is either Fuyuki’s terrifying older sister Natsumi, who beats the shit out of him lol, or Fuyuki pulling the friendship card. Keroro literally cannot resist the puppy dog eyes and the guilt trip when Fuyuki pulls it RIPKeroro will literally stop at nothing to protect Fuyuki if he’s in danger, even if it means going against his superiors. That’s how strong their friendship is! While Keroro is terrible and useless most of the time when he gets serious about things he gets shit done. Like. Do not underestimate him, holy shit, because he is WAY more capable than you think. When he gets serious…DAYUM

Fuyuki Hinata: Keroro’s best friend! He’s a human and he’s fascinated with the occult! While he sucks at sports and isn’t physically strong he’s really smart and that’s helped him get out of a lot of sticky situations. He cares about Keroro A LOT and will do anything to make him stay on Earth since Keroro’s his only friend, really ;w; Together the two of them are literally unstoppable, the best team!! Fuyuki’s really kind and soft-hearted, able to melt the hearts of just about anyone. He’s a GOOD BOY AND I LOVE HIM

Natsumi Hinata: Fuyuki’s older sister! She’s pretty, good at sports, and she can cook! Everybody loves her. She does not put up with ANY of Keroro’s shit and doesn’t hesitate to beat him to a pulp if he tries to invade the planet. She is literally the only thing standing in his way to world domination, and she plans to keep it that way. Also, she is probably one of, if not the most kickass character on the show. Do not mess with her, she can beat you down.

Giroro: The red frog! He’s tough, mean and gruff, and he’s the weapons specialist. He is always polishing his guns and knives. He has the BIGGEST crush on Natsumi and calls her a warrior princess lol. He lives in a tent under Natsumi’s window in the Hinata’s backyard, in case he needs to protect her from any sudden enemy attacks. Giroro can’t stand Keroro half the time even though they’re childhood friends. He also can’t do anything except blush and stammer around Natsumi…it’s such an adorable case of puppy love I s2g

Tamama: Tamama’s the dark blue frog! He may look adorable but secretly has a dark side and you do NOT want to piss him off. He has a huge crush on Keroro (yes, this is canon, made clear from the start haha) and gets jealous whenever anybody else fawns over him. Tamama has a huge sweet tooth and is always seen gorging on food.

Kururu: The most intelligent (and creepy) member of the platoon! Kururu’s yellow and he has swirly glasses. Nobody’s ever seen him with them off, I think. Kururu is just…weird. He does strange, strange things and messes with the platoon and the other humans just to get a laugh. However when he’s needed he does pull through amazingly!! Kururu doesn’t really get along with anyone except for his human companion, Saburo (who Natsumi has a crush on).

Dororo: The blue frog and also the one everybody forgets. Dororo’s a ninja and due to his sort of timid personality he’s never really the focus of attention. Keroro forgets about him often which always makes him really upset and it flips his “trauma switch” which reduces him to a crying, sniveling mess as he relives past horrors, poor boy ;m; He was also childhood friends with Kero and Giro and Kero often used him as a scapegoat as well as a guinea pig;; (It’s not all bad, I promise, they really are good friends)

Other, more minor characters I should mention:

Angol Mois: Another alien, she takes on a human appearance as a girl with tan skin and blonde hair! She affectionately refers to Keroro as “Uncle” and sorta grew up with him (they’re not really related lol). She has this weird thing for Keroro, which makes Tamama insanely jealous. He absolutely despises her haha. Mois is cute, pure, and sweet–but she’s also the one destined to destroy the planet from the 1999 prophecy. She slept in and missed the date though, oops! She tries to crack the planet in two many times using her Lucifer spear, but Keroro usually manages to stop her before she destroys all of planet Earth whewww

Momoka Nishizawa: Tamama’s human companion, she also has a dark side she constantly fights with. She also has an extremely obsessive crush on Fuyuki, so much that she stalks him and spends billions of dollars on crazy plans to get closer to him (she’s rich. Filthy, filthy, filthy rich.)

Saburo Mutsumi: I mentioned him briefly, but he’s Kururu’s companion! AKA too cool for school, Saburo’s handsome, suave, and extremely intelligent. Giroro hates his guts lol. He’s also very kind and while he isn’t around often, he’s always there to lend a hand when it’s needed! And yeah Natusmi has the hots for him kehehe

Koyuki Azumaya: Natsumi’s best friend, she comes from a ninja village and is Dororo’s companion. She’s very athletic and peppy, and I’m preeeetty sure she’s gay for Natsumi, which is fantastic. She rescued Dororo when he first arrived on Earth and seems to be the only one who ever remembers his presence.

Aki Hinata: Fuyuki and Natsumi’s mom! She’s always busy working but whenever she is home she dotes on her kids a lot. And DAYUM she is badass, I love Aki. And Kururu has a strange fascination with her for some reason lol. She was the one who allowed Keroro to stay with the family, even going so far as to give him his own room in the basement!

And that other guy I drew earlier? That’s Dark Keroro, the main antagonist of the third Keroro Gunsou movie! His main goal is to invade and conquer Earth, which he does easily and much faster than Keroro can. However Fuyuki is unaffected by his brain-washing waves and refuses to bow down to him, so he takes a special interest in him, trying to get him to join his side for most of the movie. He can’t understand the friendship between Fuyuki and Keroro and struggles with it until the very end ;w; He’s my favorite KG character, I love him to death and he definitely got the ending he deserved!

The one ironic thing about the Keroro Platoon is while they may SUCK at invading Earth, they’re amazing at protecting it. Literally every time some other invader has tried to take over they’ve driven them out, successfully protecting the planet! Honestly they should focus more of their attention on gaining popularity from saving Earth rather than trying to destroy it lol

You can either watch the sub or the dub, both are good! The dub is funnier and has more pop culture references (mostly from the 90s), and the voice acting is great. However I grew up with the sub and while I ADORE the dub, I love the sub more! Also Keroro’s Japanese voice is literally irreplaceable and I can’t imagine him not ending his sentences with “De arimasu!” and doing his usual “Ge~ro gero gero!” cackle it’s just. What makes Keroro KERORO you know?

SO YEAH that’s the basics of Keroro Gunsou!! Please do watch it, it’s a fantastic series and one of my all time favorites. It’s very funny, mostly a comedy-centric thing, but there is plot later on, and all of the movies are great. There is not one bad KG movie, I love them all. I might stream the third movie tomorrow if ya’ll wanna come watch it with me, that’s my favorite one~

#SORRY THAT GOT SO LONG BUT I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH??#Keroro Gunsou #Sgt Frog #Keroro Gunso #Sgt. Frog #I grew up with this show it's literally been with me since middle school so #It means a lot #Also yeah thinking about streaming the 3rd movie tomorrow who's up to watch it with me?? It'll be fun!#Shima answers questions #Ask #Anon ask #Long post

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bai-xue · 8 years ago

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RISE OF THE DISNEYFACE: an illustrated essay

Alright so there’s something that has been irking me about current CGI Disney movies - specifically female character design - and I finally put my finger on it.

Current Disney heroines are suffering from a disease that I, for lack of a better term, call ‘Disneyface.’ Original, I know.

Commencing rant essay beneath the cut.

Anyway, to pinpoint the issues I have with Disney’s current female character design, I traced features of heroines from both traditionally animated Disney movies (Princess and the Frog and back) and current CGI Disney movies (Tangled and onward). For the sake of consistency, I limited myself to heroines that were post-pubescent and (bar one) human. I also limited myself just to Disney-produced films, excluding Disney-Pixar films.

For clarity I traced only four features: 1) facial outline; 2) eye shape - including that which is covered by eyelids; 3) nose bridge; and 4) curve of their smile. I’m not going into hairline, nostril shape, lip shape, brow-line, etc, simply because I do not have that kind of time nor patience. I’m pretty much just focusing on the base models here.

Please note: this is in no way a statement on the overall merit of any particular Disney movie. There are some CGI Disney movies that are excellent, and there are some traditional Disney movies that are ‘meh’ at best.

ANYWAY.

Here are the traced ‘traditional’ heroines. If you want, see if you can identify them based on those traced features alone (please excuse the inevitable Uncanny Valley).

Even if you couldn’t tell who was who, it’s pretty clear that there are major differences, right? We have round faces, square faces, diamond faces, pointy noses, snub noses, even a bent nose bridge. There’s also pretty much every size and shape of eyeball. Their smiles are everything from a gentle curve to a v-shape, both wide and small.

Here are the heroines!

Meanwhile, let’s do the same with our modern CGI Disney heroines. Again, see if you can differentiate them.

If you could, damn, you’ve got a good eye, because these heroines have a whole lot in common: oval or soft diamond faces, gentle nose bridges, gigantic round eyes, and wide, gently curved smiles.

Yes, even Moana.[1]

Even Judy is suffering from Disneyface, and she’s a rabbit.

Anyway, you might be saying, “Karen, that’s not fair! Those traditionally animated films are from a span of 60+ years[2] while all the CGI films are from the span of 14 years at best!”[3]

Well, let’s have a look here. If we round up to 15 years (for my non-math-brain’s sake) between Tangled and Moana with the above span of base model variety, what are the base model varieties within other Disney eras, and how much variety occurred within 15 years?[4]

Well, let’s start with the Silver Age, from which I’ve drawn three samples. Between Cinderella and 101 Dalmatians, there is a ~13 year overlap.[5] Within those thirteen years, we get these three post-pubescent human heroines:

Admittedly, there’s not too much variety here. All our heroines have diamond faces, small-to-medium eyes, and delicately pointed noses. Anita’s mouth, however, has a distinctive v-shape, and her eyes are rounder than Cinderella’s or Aurora’s, likely reflecting the more ‘hands off’ approach that Uncle Walt took due to his failing health during the animating process.

Next, we have the Disney Renaissance, from which I’ve drawn the majority of my samples. The Disney Renaissance has a ~12 year overlap.[6]

Here we have an explosion of stylistic variety, which in part is the source of the ‘Renaissance’ label. Along with it comes a wide variety of base models for our heroines: round faces, angular faces, all shapes and sizes of noses and eyes. The mouths range from medium sized to large, most with gentle curves, though Megara’s also has a distinctive v-shape.

“Okay, Karen,” you may be saying, “that’s all fine and good, but what about the post-Renaissance?”[7] The post-Renaissance focused mostly on male characters and animal characters as human heroines moved into the background, but we do have Kida and Tiana, two WoC heroines who have very different features.

If you really want to stretch the definition of heroine, you could also include Nani from Lilo & Stitch (again, we’re not including Lilo as she’s pre-pubescent and thus designed very differently from a post-pubescent character).

Again, we have a wide variety of face shapes from a span of ~13 years.[8] Kida and Tiana both have diamond-shaped faces, while Nani has a round face. Both Tiana and Nani have snubbed noses, while Kida has one of the more unique nose shapes of Disney’s heroines. Tiana’s smile is a gentle curve, but Kida and Nani both have smiles that have nearly no curve. Their eyes are all unique, from Nani’s almond eyes to Tiana’s round eyes to Kida’s almost square eyes.

So what’s the deal here, Disney?

With an overall span of ~15 years – a wider span than any of the traditionally animated films of their unique eras – the Disney Revival has shown considerably less variation, even among its WoC characters.

I have to refer here to @lindsayetumbls, who somewhat touched upon this general trend in her excellent video essay The Rise of the Eyebrow. Disney found a formula that sells and went with it. And man, does it sell. You can’t go to the corner store without tripping over something with Elsa’s face slapped on it.

Essentially, Disney has decided that profitable models – including animation models – are more valuable than artistic originality.

“That’s natural!” you might be saying. “They’re a company! They’re going to go with what they know will attract crowds.”

Except that the Disney Renaissance, the period in which we see the most variety in our heroine’s base models, was also an incredibly profitable period. People still watch those movies, still buy massive amounts of Disney Renaissance merch, and still lose their minds when they meet Princess Jasmine in Disney World. Those movies are lasting, and will last, and will continue to make Disney heaps and heaps of cash.

I’m not an expert in the animation industry, but all this basically makes me think it comes down to artistic laziness in terms of female design. They have a female model that sells, and they are too lazy to further explore heroine design as they embark on their experimentation with CGI. There are convincing arguments about Disney’s stories becoming more progressive in regards to their heroines, but their actual design of those female characters is regressing as the studio chooses to pour their energy into special effects over female representation.

Anyway, tl;dr and yet again quoting Lindsay:

Wow it’s annotated!

[1] Again, I’ve heard Moana is excellent (haven’t had a chance to see it yet), and kudos to Disney for branching out ethnically. She has other features that set her apart (nostril shape, brow thickness, lip shape) but her base model is still suffering from a malignant case of Disneyface.

[2] Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs went into production in 1934 and premièred in 1937; Princess and the Frog went into development in 2006 and came out in 2009, giving an overlap of ~75 years and proving how bad I am at mathematical estimates.

[3] Tangled went into production in 2002 and came out in 2010; Moana went into production in 2011 and came out in 2016, giving an overlap of ~14 years from Tangled to Moana.

[4] Aka the Disney Revival, which is all CGI except for Princess and the Frog, but more on that in note 7.

[5] Cinderella began production in 1948 and was released in 1950; 101 Dalmatians began production in ~1959 and came out in 1961.

[6] The Little Mermaid began production in 1987 and was released in 1989; Tarzan began production in 1995 and was released in 1999.

[7] I’m lumping Princess and the Frog into the post-Renaissance because I can; also it’s kind of an anomaly in more than one way in terms of production etc etc and more a remnant of the post-Renaissance’s nostalgia than an actual product of the Revival.

[8] Atlantis went into production in 1996 and came out in 2001; Princess and the Frog started production in 2006 and was released in 2009.

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

Text

tube thoughts vol. 6

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Joe Bob's SummerSchool edition of Monstervision with special guests a blonde Bride of Frankenstein and a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon plus the feature movie "The Surgeon" *The striking black and white intro flashback throws light on what this flick really is. It's a tribute to those 30s/40s/50s mad doctor horror shows, with quirky 1990s sensibilities laced throughout.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible: Summer Fun --------------

*Psalty: Dramatic kids hang out with a blue, scripture talking song book.* 2 stars

*Bike Safety Rap: Don't skin your knees or risk your life.* 1 star

*Central Florida Hell: Dump elderly dad down where Chi Chi Rodriguez dwells.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Boat Trip: Goober Pudding Jr. is not a COCKSUCKER! Horatio Sanz... who knows?* 2 stars

*3 Minute Heavy Metal Summer: Shock rockers, with a heart of gold, versus yuppy prejudice and slimeball business types at a camp/resort.* 3 stars

*Acting with Tom Hanks: Swimsuit models wanna make their silly dreams come true.* 2 stars

*Conceal and Carry: Speed, women, fanny pack!* 3 stars

*Kidz Conquer Mexico: Another culture exploited by brats.* 2 1/2 stars

*Message in a Cell Phone: Crack the code and get Chad's dad out of prison.* 3 stars

*Birthdays Faith First: Father Tim loves his birthday and Uncle Sam.* 2 1/2 stars

*2 Minute Beach Fever: Kato Kaelin and Jacki Chan enjoy the fruits of rabor.* 2 1/2 stars

======================================================

I'm Alan Partridge: I Know What Alan Did Last Summer *Dodging the tax man.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Day After" --1983-- *"World War 4 will be fought with sticks and stones."* 3 stars

The Twilight Zone: The Midnight Sun *Fever dream.* 3 stars

Heart She Holler: Klansgender Rights *We're all the same underneath a clean, white sheet.* 2 stars

Squidbillies: Granny Hot Foot *Happier than a pig, in shit, who just won the Daytona 500.* 2 1/2 stars

Adult Swim --infomercials-- In Search of the Miracle Man *Interviewing people on the street about their love for a yet to be seen super guru and asking them how often they masturbate, plus keeping a close watch on a sunbathing beauty, in case the guru shows up there. Add in a sing along, act unfunny along, self aware studio audience for even less laughs. A guy from Mighty Boosh and Snuff Box (Rich Fulcher) and a guy from Upright Citizens Brigade and Crossballs (Matt Besser), along with another recognizable face from the Sarah Silverman Show, can all do better and funnier in 12 minutes. Drunk History for example.* 1 star

Freddy's Nightmares: Rebel Without A Car -----

*A mullet-motor-head thinks a cursed muscle-car is his ticket out of Springwood, but maybe he should have taken his girl's advice and sought a smarter path.* 2 1/2 stars

*A girl, from the wrong side of the tracks, gets accepted to be a Cinderella slave for snobbish sorrority sisters, during hellish hazing, where they hope to put her on the road.Instead, she turns Carrie, on the cunts, and burns the house to the ground.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------

Swamp Thing: Falco *"Nature is a maniac!" That's pretty existential for a falcon unwillingly turned half human by the arrogant Arcane. Overly dramatic and unintentionally funny.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Treasure of the Temple *Masterfully animated Mayan adventure.* 3 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Night Strangler *Gritty Civil War era alchemy, and a Victorian Era style Jack the Ripper killer, in the dark alleys and underground of a Pacific Northwest seaport town.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond --Halloween special-- -2014- =====================

*The Victim's Family - Have A Nice Day (music video): Skeletal puppets kick your face in and tell you to enjoy your shitty job and life.* close to 3 stars

*Fulfilled, A Halloween Story: A modern Lovecraftian tragic figure refuses to join in on the pop culture / commercial celebrations of Halloween and instead chooses to spend All Hallow's Eve, and possibly eternity, in the Twilight Zone.* close to 3 stars

*Trailer for Dario Argento's "Creepers": 3 stars

*Vintage WXXA cHANNEL 23 - Halloween movie marathon commercial for their movie lineup including 'An American Werewolf in London', 'House', 'Videodrome', 'Psycho 3': 3 stars

*"Horror of the Zombies" 1973: A millionaire, a money hungry mercenary type, and an agency of modeling get involved in a publicity stunt that would leave some models stranded in a boat on the sea. However, they all wind up in some interdimensional fog and end up boarding a ghost-ship where the blind monks of Mestophilles roam.* 2 stars

*Monster Rally Movie: Advertisement for an old horror host Channel 4 show.* 3 stars

*Pumpkin Madness 2: Ordinary pumpkins let loose destructive behavior.* 2 1/2 stars

*Animation in the style of Superjail or the video for Paranoid Android by Mariola Brillowska.* 3 stars

*Phantasm's 'The Tall Man' promotes Fangoria magazine.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fleishcher Studios- Superman - The Mummy Strikes.* 3 stars

*A Republic Pictures serial - The Crimson Ghost - Atomic Peril: A criminal mastermimd is so determined to get his hands on a device that will bring the world's electrical will to its knees, that he's willing to prevent its use in bringing the Cold War to a close.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fight the monster of pay and or cable tv in an awesome retro anti-cable tv advertisement shown to a paying movie theater audience.* 3 stars

======================================================

Star Wars Rebels: Rise of the Old Masters *A Sith inquisitor lures roam Jedi to their doom, using the bones of a Jedi Master.the Empire is putting out false distress signals saying that the master is alive and in need of a prison escape rescue.* 3 stars

TMNT: The Croaking *After watching Thundarr the Barbarian, Mikey spazzes out and destroys the farmhouse. When scolded, flees to the forest where he encounters Napoleon Bonafrog (voiced by Napoleon Dynamite) who happens to be the outcast of his own tree-frog human-hating society.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible --Halloween Bonus-- --2012-- =========================

*Cosby Nightmarez: Bill takes a break from drugging women to have his own bad dream.* 3 stars

*Tim Curry Halloween Song: A crooning wizard makes the witches howl.* 3 stars

*Vincent Price: An elderly icon shills 3D film cameras.* 2 stars

*3 Minute Grandpa is a Vampire: Grandpa Munster hangs out with his radical 90s grandson and his grandson's friend while grandma tries to cheat on him and put a stake thru his old heart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Boogie Bonez: "Knick Knack Paddywhack"* 3 stars

*Death Spa: Don't let an exorcist hacker control your electronic gym, if you're a cheating ex and give memberships to jerk yuppies.* 3 stars

*Halloween Propaganda: "Every Halloween, children are dying."* 3 stars

*Lovely Little Monster: Anne Rice chick hip hop. Dance routine sign language. Rick James voodoo zombie. Bathsalt freakout Twilight romance.* 3 stars

*Pops Ghostly: A Casper family man vents on his family's hellcat home invasion frustration.* 2 1/2 stars

*Punkinman: The Bob Villa (this old house) / Bob Ross (happy clouds painter) of stickin' it in a pumpkin and getting the best out.* 2 1/2 stars

*Zombie Workout: Spunky Linnea Quigley criticizes the falling apart shape of the undead and has them working out their rotten flesh.* close to 3 stars

*3 Minute Ghosthouse: A Back to the Future Michael J. Fox wannabe look-a-like goes up against some zany frighteners.* 3 stars

======================================================================

Z Nation: Doctor of the Dead *Not much soap opera for a zombie series finale, mostly just zombie stuff. A shadowy scientist running around globally, pre zombie outbreak, conducting gruesome, and unknown for purposes, field experiments. Creepy CDC style medical lab, in Colorado, filled with zombie testing gone wrong. Tiny Asian chick is dying but comes back as a kung fu z with Alice from Resident Evil maneuvers (not a big fan of that). Cameo from the doomed lovers to show they'll be back next season (Oh, great... yawn). And a big finish cliffhanger with Murphy "shedding his skin" (could be creepy and great) and running off leaving everyone else, including Citizen Z at the North Pole, to stare dumbly at their impending demise which is nuclear missiles dropping in to say hi.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics -season 2 -episode 14 "My Guests Are Mannequins" ---------------

*Antonio, Tone Loc's cousin, volunteers to help park rangers clean the roadkill off of a bridge that a Chupacabra lives under.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*A 'You Betcha' cocktail waitress serves cheeze and ritz crackers to a honky's stuffy mannequin party guests and is scared to refuse his offer to "Party Forever" with him.* 3 stars

*A crematorium trainee turns white as a ghost, and he was black to begin with, when he flips the flame switch and a woman's husband pops out still alive just crispy.* 3 stars

==============================================================

X Files: Conduit *Alien abductee or possible runaway of ill-refute and her baby brother who can read into the matrix.* 2 1/2 stars

Sam Raimi presents American Gothic: Pilot Episode *What if Sheriff Andy Taylor were a controlling psycho who'd go as far as framing his own deputy, Barney, for murder, and what if Opie had a William Faulkner and Ambrose Bierce childhood...?* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Wraith" (Summer School Session - Driver's Education with the author of the NYC cab driver joke book) *It was inevitable that the spirit of the American Highway would be symbolized by a fiery car crash.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Caught in the Act *A college virgin, Alyssa Milano, gives the worst case of blue balls, until an alien parasite turns her into a raging nympho succubus.* 2 stars slipping towards 1 1/2 stars

Paranormal State -season 1 -episode 11 *A nice, retired, Queens NY lady needed the Penn State crew and a noted medium, in demons, to tell her to stop trying to contact the dead through the use of evp.* 2 stars

Bob and Margaret: The Burglary *The couple get a little too greedy, themselves, after their old stuff gets stolen and they have to replace it with all new stuff.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: A, B, and C *Number 6 continues to be defiant, even in his dreams. Dreams that The Village is now determined to surveillance.* 3 stars

Mike Tyson Mysteries: Is Magic Real? *Mike is the only non skeptic concerning Mexican leprechauns.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Dong of the Dead *Two words... butt auditions.* 3 stars

Ken Russell's "Crimes of Passion" *It's sleazy Charles Bukowski meets Russ Meyer. Kathleen Turner is a Gloria Steinem behind a glory hole. Anthony Perkins is like a Jerry Falwell who jerks off to crime scene photos of the Black Dahlia. And John Laughlin is Tim 'The Tool Man' Taylor who can't get his jackhammer plugged into a hot electrical outlet.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Can World War 3 Be An Attitude? *"You're okay. I'm okay. We're okay. Okay?"* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Security Systems *A way ahead of its time investigative look at security organizations (*cough* the N.S.A. *cough*) and how complete access to so much information, personal and otherwise, can only lead to that kind of knowledge being abusively used.* 3 stars

South Park: Cock Magic *Magic the Gathering greater than girls volleyball.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Bloodbath" *From the head to the legs. From the body to the mind.* 2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: "The Time Machine" 1960 *Joe Bob and Rusty the mail girl demonstrate worm hole theory using a dirty bedsheet and a bowling ball. Meanwhile, Rod Taylor zips from turn of the 20th century England to thousands of years in the future where angelic, naive youth live in a garden of eden paradise as cattle for cavern dwelling commie cannibals.* 3 stars

Farscape: Til the Blood Runs Clear *Being the 'big dog' with a pair of Beavis & Butthead moron bloodhound bounty hunters, and getting ripped off at a spacecraft repair shop ran by a Roseanne type.* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Wizard Wars *The cybernetic oversized head of a warlock Fred Flinstone uses hypnotized sandpeople as slaves to lay siege on another magician's desert stronghold.* 3 stars

Tosh.0 -Who Shot Black Santa? -2014 *The greatest Christmas present is hot cocoa served with love.* 2 1/2 stars

SyFy presents "End of the World" 2014 *Generic doomsday movie junkies, who work at a videostore, must break a scientist (Brad Dourif) out of the nuthouse so that he can help them save the world from being destroyed by a heliosphere.* 1 1/2 stars for aesthetics and special fx 2 stars for plot and characters and 2 1/2 stars for oddly humorous moments like hicks with guns getting in the way of nerds that are mankind's only hope, and randomly timed deaths

Tru Tv presents: World's Smartest Inventions 11 *Using robots for end of life care. No shame in hanging from a tree, on a hiking trail, and pooping, or standing on a sidewalk and pissing out the bottom of pant legs using a tube. Or having a doctor recommend to "ice the balls" in order to conceive, so a guy runs out and invents chilled underwear.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Christmas Bonus-- 2012 --------------------------

*Snowdogs vs. Chillydogs: They're basically the same movie, give or take a few minor differences.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hanukkah Homeboy: "Don't noodge me."* 2 1/2 stars

*Celebrity Guide to X-Mas: Ed Begley Jr. can't relax his environmental beliefs in order to not ruin Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Dr. Christmas: Artificial tree tips for a superficial Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gerbert Christmas Wish: A muppet's melancholy holiday.* 2 1/2 stars

*Holiday Showtime: Branson, Missouri is holiday purgatory.* 3 stars

*Jingle Cats: Make a joyful noise unto the Lord.* 3 stars

*Lawrence Welk Holiday Song: From now on our troubles will be miles awayayayaya.* 2 stars

*Natural Professional Tree: Step back and check for a natural appearance.* 2 stars

*Visit with Santa: Santa Q & A with dumb kids.* 3 stars

*Brent the Christmas Bear: Marvin Gaye gaiety.* 3 stars

*Glitter n Gold: A plea for puppet peace and relationship harmony.* 3 stars

*Kathy Lee Hip Hop: Horrid.* 1 star

*2 Minute Parental Guidance: Deck the halls and shake dat ass.* 3 stars

*Reggae Deck the Halls: Farmyard follalollalah.* 2 1/2 stars

*Santa with Muscles: Scrooge Ed Begley Jr. wants to close down the orphanage and exploit the kids as elf miners, but not if amnesiac, department store Santa Hulk Hogan has anything to say about it.* 2 1/2 stars

*X-Mas Nightmare 2012: Santa can't be asked to do the impossible, like alleviating the cynicism that comes with adulthood.* 2 1/2 stars

*Fuck Christmas: A humble shoemaker has had it up to here with the holidays, in this heartwarming tale.* 3 stars

*Chipper's X-Mas Adventure: A chipmunk goes crazy when his treehome is chopped down by joyous honkys.* 3 stars

*E.T. Porno: Smell E.T.'s finger.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Freddy's Nightmares: The Bride Wore Red *A groom's cold feet get raked over hot coals. Also, rappin' Freddy.* 2 stars *For the bride with daddy issues, divorce is a fate worse than death.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Thing from the Grave *A lesson about not getting in between a no-nonsense, jealous boyfriend with a short-fuse (Miguel Ferrer) and his prized piece of cooze (Teri Garr). That is unless one has a charm necklace that can bring a vengeful corpse back from its shallow grave.* 3 stars

"Mirror Mirror" -1991- *A shy ugly duckling begins to flower when she embraces her dark reflection.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "I Am Anne Frank" *Auschwitz. Axe murder. Aversion therapy. Amputee monstrosity. Acceptance of guilt. Absentee motherhood. Alcoholic relapse. Alien abduction. Alma's alive!* 3 stars

Lars Von Trier's "Melancholia" *3 stars for gorgeously moody photography and score. 2 1/2 stars for symbolism (melancholia is here to stay). 2 stars for rogue planet collision apocalypse scenario. 1 1/2 stars for insufferable characters (mopey rich women). 1 star for pretentiousness 1/2 a star for snail pacing (2 hours felt like 5 hours). zero stars for jerky handheld camerwork

Gargoyles: Enter MacBeth *Another MacBeth who likes to do things on his own turf, and yet again all because of a lady.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: -season 3 -episode 5 *"The birds have scales and the fish take wing."* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 12 *A psychic can't get her stories straight when it comes to a former schoolhouse's spirits. Credit to the Penn State crew for seeing through her b.s.* 2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voyage Home *On the first manned mission to mars, a space bug is snagged, and one giant step for mankind turns into a suicidal leap.* 2 1/2 stars

Scare Tactics: The Chef Cooks a Human --------------

*Safe installation turns out to be a safe cracking burglary.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rear Window scenario where peeping at a neighbor who is an escort loses its thrill when she stabs an abusive client and informs her big heavy pimp that there are witnesses to the crime.* 2 1/2 stars

*Finding a ring in the hamburger meat and a bloody, armless dude in the freezer.* 3 stars

*Parents meet their teenage son's new girlfriend and find out she's already pregnant, but only it's from an alien, not the teenage son.* 2 1/2 stars

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Russell Mulcahy's "The Shadow" -1994- *Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Alec Baldwin knows.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: From Beyond the Grave *"See the ship, hear it speak from deep down in the hold." Lyrics from a song sang by Jim's dead grandma. Words directing Jim, and his mom, to granny's last will and testament, hidden, in the swamp, so that Arcane can't take possession of her property and pollute and further exploit it.* 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: -season 1 -episode 4 *Dream perchance debenture.* 2 1/2 stars

"Slipstream" *A loveable scoundrel (Bill Paxton) steals away a messiah-like android, from a hardline bountyhunter (Mark Hammil), on a journey across a windswept wasteland in a post-cataclysm story filled with hot air balloons, small airplanes, and eccentric nomads.* 2 1/2 stars

Christmas with Rifftrax: Santa's Village of Madness / K. Gordan Murray shorts *Never has the mythology of Saint Nick been more mucked with.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Jonny Quest: Werewolf of the Timberland *Gold smuggling lumberjacks in the French Canadian forest.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Shopping *"Cheese of the week." The convenient inconvenience of supermarkets.* 3 stars

I'm Alan Partridge: Alan Wide Shut *"Hot floppy bread." Needless to say, Alan had the last laugh. Now, fuck off!.* 3 stars

True Life: I Want Respect For My Sect *A Juggalo bride's parents opt out of their daughter's Juggalo themed wedding. Pretentious vampires, in the pretentious Texas city of Austin, have a coming out party in order to gain new members and understanding. A cute 18 year old "furry" seems genuinely happy to have her parents acceptance at being able to attend her first convention.* 2 stars

Ghost Adventures: Dungeons & Demons *"Something just grabbed my ass!" The three bros travel to some of the world's most tainted holes.* 2 stars

Adventure Time: Holly Jolly Secrets *Deciphering the Ice King's weirdo home movies becomes a holiday tradition.* 2 stars

Farscape: Rhapsody in Blue *Madness is the mind's co-pilot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: The Jersey Devil *Naked Neanderthals on the outskirts of Atlantic City.* 3 stars

12:01 Beyond: Kneel Before the Future ----------------------

*D.O.A. - Behind the Smile: Things are looking bright for election 2016.* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo trips and falls heading out to the wasteland.* 2 stars

*Ninja Force, the Mission: Bacon jitsu vs. cheese.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Silverball Heroes versus Video Invaders in Arcade Attack* 3 stars

*Lobo in the wasteland sponsored by...* 2 1/2 stars

*A vintage trailer for Terminal City Ricochet.* 3 stars

*-984- Prisoner of the Future: Detained to desolation.* 3 stars

*Lobo thirsts and pines in the wasteland.* 3 stars

*Intimate Secrets - Secrets that have to be told - 1 900 - adults only - $2.00 per minute* 3 stars

*iBraineater - Modern Man (music video)* 3 stars

*JacMac & RadBoy GO!: Wow, did Mike Judge rip this off?* 3 stars

*Commander Lobo finds ThunderDome covered in feces.* 3 stars

*Robotistory: A video history of robots in pop culture entertainment.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo wants to go back home to his bunker.* 2 stars

*Max Fleischer's Superman - The Mechanical Monsters* 3 stars

*Vintage 1990 Live Psychic Readings commercial that's in the style of the X-Files intro. Eerie nostalgia.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost - Chapter 2 - Thunderbolt: Death ray escape debacle.* 2 1/2 stars

*Tex Avery's Jerky Turkey: Skipped. already viewed and reviewed

*Lobo has a biohazard demise.* 2 stars

-------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Sacrifice *"Money, pussy, and bullshit." Also a few cussing parrots and a sleazy & kinky Michael Ironside.* 3 stars

"Howling 4, the Original Nightmare" *A novelist, with a vivid imagination, would rather chase the ghost of a nun, hangout with a lesbian ex-nun and search for clues to a legend of a werewolf church burning, and listen to howls on the wind in the night than have sex with her feathered-hair-do, five o'clock shadow bearded bohunk cheating husband.* 2 stars

American Horror Story -Freakshow- "Tupperware Party Massacre" *Avon culling. Chubby Chaser. Liquored lobster. Lingering Ethel. Privileged killer. Suicide letter. Shamelessly long pecker. Playing doctor. Tearjerker. Siamese threeway offer rejection. Jimmy sober and smitten. Framejob bloody mitten.* 2 1/2 to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: The Great Montarro *Sarcophagus artifice.* 3 stars

"Dragonslayer" 1981 *Not the sorcerer that we want right now, but the sorcerer that we need. The lottery where the winner gets spit-roasted by Smaug has to be the absolute worst. There may have never been more themes of gender inequality, social-political injustice, and the transition between Paganism and Christianity ever before in a Sword & Sorcery flick.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: -season 1 -episode 13 *Cursed and mice infested piano for free on Craigslist.* 2 to 1 1/2 stars

Bob and Margaret: Trick or Treat *"the misery of eternal non-existence"* 2 1/2 stars

"Loose Shoes" -1980- ---------------------------------------------------

*The Howard Huge Story: "His hobby was watching planes fuck."* 3 stars

*Skateboarders From Hell: "Lock up your sons and daughters."* 3 stars

*The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers: "Coming at you in 3-D!"* 3 stars

*Three Chairs For Lefty: Bill Murray on death row.* 3 stars

*The Sneaker: Woody Allen parody.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Magic and Mystery of the Gobi* 3 stars

*Buddy Hackett on behalf of this nation's bed-wetters* 3 stars

*Don't forget organic chocolate covered beanettes.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ditch your kids at the matinee.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Shaggy Studio Chief plus the Calf Who Thought She Was A Chicken* 2 stars

*The Bad News Bares in Getting Laid* 3 stars

*A Visit With Ma and Pa: Ma and Pa take a talking pig to New York City* 3 stars

*The Birth of a Nation, parody* 2 1/2 stars

*The Kid and the Yid. Charlie the bum was a hebrew commie jew* 3 stars

*The Ballerina Is Dead in "Scuffed Shoes"* 2 1/2 stars

*Just a Run in the Sun: Cynical and funny war tragedy story.* 3 stars

*Fistful of Something: Sid Haig in a Spaghetti Western spoof.* 3 stars

*Welcome to Bacon County: Hicksploitation hilarity.* 3 stars

*That's Sexploitation! Under 18 must sneak in.* 3 stars

*The Return of the Pom Pom Boys: Sex comedy with a twist. This time it's the guys who are getting exploited.* 3 stars

*Billy Jerk Goes To Oz: Sticking up for the little man.* 3 stars

*Darktown After Dark: The first all black musical.* 3 stars

*Star (of David) Wars* 2 1/2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Scare Tactics: season 2 -episode 20 "Weirdo in the Haunted House" ----------

*Taking high school chemistry doesn't make one a chemist, especially evident when green goop, accidentally poured down the sink, by said non-chemist, comes gushing through the ceiling, doors, cracks, vents, and walls.* 3 stars

*Almost torched alive, in a van, by a psycho hitchhiker.* 3 stars

*Stripper audition interrupted by a jealous, meathead boyfriend who likes to throw guys out of windows.* 2 1/2 stars

*A closed down haunted house attraction, and former crime scene, has an uninvited guest who doesn't want to be disturbed.* 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------------

"Phantasm 4, Oblivion" *On the other side of morning.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: War *Network 23's poodle and pony show has the advertising bulls and bears instead hitching up to the war hysteria for profit media wagon.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The New Breed *Nanobots don't know when to stop. They turn a terminally ill man into a Frankenstein's monster of evolution.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Do Dreams Bleed? *The lingering trauma of having witnessed a brutal slaying.* 2 1/2 stars *Intimate personal closeness with a possible deranged killer can play foul with the mind.* 2 stars

"The Blair Witch Project" *"We're still alive because we got cigarettes, and we're smoking." Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians have a Deliverance weekend where they get choked in the shallow waters before they get too deep. The grunge era Autumn setting, lost in the woods paranoia, and low fi minimalist creative use of limited fx (stick figures and bundles of sticks with bloody body parts along with the noises and the spooky house) make up for the film students arguing in the middle of nowhere with a shaking camera nonsense that takes place for more than half of the film.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

X Files: Shadows *Mulder: *whispering* psycho-kinetic-manipulation / Scully: *amused* You mean like Carrie at the prom? --- Turns out it was a Ghost versus some terrorists and a jerk boss. Also, a missed opportunity to have Patrick Swayze as a guest star on the X Files.* 2 1/2 stars

"Alice Sweet Alice" -1977- *Impolite middle class Catholic society, cruel aunts, spoiled siblings, flamboyantly slobbish perverts, snap to judgement child psychologists, and pinch faced old church women with religious hangups are all worse than slightly odd and so called out of control tweens. Also, it's a shame that Brooke Shields' name is at the top of the movie's poster. She's barely in it, and the other little girl along with the rest of the cast are the soul of the movie.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Girls Town *Scat and slang.* between 2 & 2 1/2 stars with riffing, between 1 1/2 & 2 stars without

Joe Bob's Hollywood Saturday Night: To The Limit *"Anna Nicole Smith gives retired, Texas strippers a bad name." Joe Bob Briggs* between 1 and 1 1/2 stars for this heavy edited softcore stinker

Weird Science: She's Alive *"a scathing indictment of a braindead, sexist MTV generation" 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Phantom Cab *The Midnight Society start out by having a pair of lost Hansel & Hansel brothers putting a hole in a barrel out in the Canadian forest with a reject teacher from Hogwarts.* 3 stars

American Gothic: A Tree Grows In Trinity *Let Heaven and nature sting.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa 1996(?) *"Who's the champ -NOW- champ?" Tom strangely bothers teachers on strike, concert goers, drugists, mall shoppers, poor fishermen, and former bowling league champions. He also plays footsie with a dating service lady.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Pilot Episode *Sometimes one must cut off a finger in order to save a hand, and sometimes one must hang himself in order to get off. Inner strength incapacitates ignorance.* 3 stars

"Country Hooker" *In the tune of a CB radio listenin' truck drivin' country western croon, "Doin' what they damn well please..." That is until their demented Tennessee Ernie Ford -esque pimpdaddy finds out. There are some freaks in this flick, and I don't mean the tricks, it's the johns and the honky tonk patrons.* 2 1/2 stars

"Christmas Evil" aka "You Better Watch Out" *If it's not a Jolly Dream, it's not worth having.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Village of the Giants *These days, kids are getting too big for their britches. Of course, I'm talking about a Mousketeer, Opie, the kid from The Rifleman, and Beau Bridges.* 3 stars with riffing or 2 stars without

Tales from the Crypt: For Cryin' Out Loud *A real high pitched squealer with a weasel, rock promoter whose clients like Iggy Pop and Donny Osmond get on his nerves, a seductress blackmailer Katey Sagal trying to reach in his pants to snatch half of a million smackers, and an angry voice of reason Sam Kinison screaming his tell tell heart out constantly.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Candy Stripe Nurses" 1974 *A socially conscious skin-flick with sophisticated modern women who are smarter than the bohunks they seduce, Gran Torino type bitter old men griping about the decline of their local neighborhoods, commentary on a flawed justice system for minorities, student athlete doping controversy, medical malpractice issuing of needless prescriptions scandal, sexually repressed and spoiled rockstar, seventees era streaking, existential conversations while flirting, and just enough hospital setting hanky panky.* 3 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Bitchcraft" *The part where Darren walked in on Tabitha going down on Elvira while Melissa Joan Hart cut herself with a razor blade for attention and the cast of Designing Women boiled that poor black guy (Meshach Taylor) alive in a caldron... hocus whoa...cus* 2 1/2 stars

Doctor Who (fourth doctor) "Pyramid of Mars" *Imprisoned ancient gods are always showing up in the isolated British countryside and killing 3 or 4 old men in their plot to destroy the world. Thanks to the Doctor, nobody else in the world ever notices.* 2 1/2 stars

TMNT: Mazes & Mutants *A lonely live action roleplayer gasses the turtles so that he can play a game with them in the sewers.* 2 1/2 stars

He-Man & She-Ra, A Christmas Special *Horde Prime wishes to stop Orko and two adorable Earth children from bringing the gospel of Chris Cringle to Eternia. Special guests the Smurf Transformers, the Eternian Decepticons, the Little Mermaid, and Skeletor's heart grew 3 sizes that day.* 2 1/2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Pinball Wizard *Super-soaker, now that's playing with power. A compulsive free play gamer gets trapped in the mall, inside a pinball machine, with a princess in distress, and is Sixpence None the Richer for it.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Shipment *Arcane corrupts the local law enforcement into mutant trafficking and the crooked Sheriff helps kidnap Jim, fake Jim's death, and ship Jim off to South America. We finally get to see Swamp Thing show some physical muscle in a brawl with a stunt man and it's revealed what had to be painfully obvious all along, that the town had to have a corrupt police force in order for Arcane to be doing so many vile things without it coming to legal light.* 3 stars

"Neon City" 1991 *A disgruntled, former lawman (Michael Ironside) begrudgingly runs protection for a RV stagecoach of ragtag wayfarers across the cursed earth.* 2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: The Message *Binary E.T. S.O.S. for a deaf woman with a defective ear implant and new mother depression along with voices in her head making the domestic partner daddy think she's schizoid because she runs off with a looney janitor / UFO believer.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Warlock the Armageddon *Runes and Druids. Smalltown fear and hatred of devil worship. Two young should destined to be lovers who are kept apart by ignorance and circumstance. Parents of the picturesque smalltown trying to protect a dark secret. Some horribly dated CGI (forgivable). Nice and twistedly gruesome gore fx to make up for the bad CGI. A charismatic villain (Julian Sands) who is just as good as Marvel's Loki (Tom Hiddleston).* 2 1/2 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 14 *In a house that was once a part of the underground railroad, there's a clash of values between a modern inter-racial family and a strict religious spirit of a lady who was an abolitionist.* 2 stars

"Home for the Holidays" 1972 *"There's nothing more chilling than a warm family gathering." An And Then There Were None style story at a stormy, secluded setting where the more stable sibling is the most sinister.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--- Freddy's Nightmares: The End of the World

*Hazy earliest memories are repressed because they involve accidentally killing mommy and crippling a childhood friend, but a girl discovers she can dream things differently and it will fix the present. But unfortunately, there's a butterfly effect.* 2 1/2 stars

*The same girl, from before, is now having prophetic dreams of a nuclear warhead going off on U.S. soil. The C.I.A. is extra curious as to how she got launch codes, and once they figure out she's not fooling or getting tipped off from the inside, well they want to exploit her in their cold war pursuits, while she just wants to make sure that a disturbed sleepwalking missile defense employee doesn't make his Christmas nightmares of melting his son's favorite cartoon character Gumby's face off along with his own son's innocent face as well come true.* 3 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

"Class of 1984" *An irresponsible idiot subjects his pregnant wife to a brutal gang rape and torture all because he wants to be an inspirational music educator at one of those imaginary innercity hell highschools where he can't help but feud with the worst gang in a school that has its disciplinary hands tied with the usual red tape bullshit. This was way before zero tolerance. When teach has to turn vigilante just to earn 30k a year, a mild mannered biology professor (Roddy McDowall) has to hold a gun on his pupils just to get their focus on his lessons, and a timid tattle tell (Michael J. Fox) winds up shanked in the liver, just to name a few things, there might be good reason to move back to a smalltown or the suburbs and spare the rod.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Fists of the White Lotus *White Lotus can't be touched because he fights hammer style. A lesson about a gentle approach and pinpointing the right pulse.* 3 stars

Scare Tactics: season 2 episode 22 "Mom's Crazy" -------------

*Little grey men nick around a ranch house near area 51.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Falling into a wanted by the government hacker's booby trap.* 2 1/2 stars

*Having a nice evening with a psycho park ranger.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mommie dearest keeps her abducted little girl in a cage.* 3 stars

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"Ultra Flesh" 1980 *Sugar (cocaine?) is making the world's men impotent and the President of the United States pays a visit to a third world dictator (Jamie Gillis) whose people seem to have no problem snorting and screwing. Secretly, however, the dictator is a Mr. Freeze type alien who uses his dwarf henchmen to plot against the earth women. An intergalactic group of horny aliens send down Ultra Flesh, a vixen from Venus, to shoot laser beams out of her poonanny and help earth propagate again.* 3 stars

The Prisoner: Free For All *Who are you voting for? Which puppet candidate will it be? "You wouldn't deny the rite of proper procedure?"* 3 stars

New World Pictures presents Larry Cohen's "God Told Me To" --1976-- *Urban upheaval caused by a lot of gristle in the melting pot. The doggedly determined forced by personal convictions that are of soul tearing origins. The easily swayed are proned to random acts of violence. The new age fortunate are full of fallacy with their fancy notions. And the pitiful and holy are just as much victims as they inadvertently victimize others in their own inability to face up to the burden of consequences that come with cruel circumstance.* 3 stars

X Files: Ghost in the Machine *Interfacing Promethean resistively. The machine is dead. Long live the machine.* 2 1/2 stars

"Silent Night, Bloody Night" --1972-- *A season of violence come to bare its withered, ugly fruit. The sepia soaked orgy of murder by the mental patients along with the undertones of incest, then father assuming the identity of his dead daughter, whom he fathered a child with, is all rather haunting/disturbing.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 15 *The spirit of a war veteran still haunts the barn where he committed suicide after a alzheimer's diagnosis. So, the team brings in an army honor guard to have a memorial service where a piece of his skull was buried, by his wife, on the property. Also, a little boy, from before the middle of the 20th century, who died of the croop, on the property, is sensed as just a mischevious spirit by medium Chip Coffey.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Murder House-- "Open House" *Squint and bite down. There will be no sale. These spirits won't be built over, smothered out, skull fucked, love requited, or made to polish their own silver again.* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Twilight Zone the movie *John Landis does okay thanks to the tragically killed Vic Morrow . Spielberg can only do schmaltzy Spielberg. Joe Dante puts some thrilling touches on a classic. Lithgow trumps Shatner in the freakout department, but none of these outings are as good as Rod Serling and the original.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible --Holiday Special-- -2012- *"He sees you eat your pizza. He sees you eat your pizza."* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Four-Sided Triangle *The sour couple from the Grant Wood American Gothic painting think they can hold captive a farmgirl to do all their chores. And Patricia Arquette is sure purty enough to make the crops grow. But the farmer's horny ignorance coupled with his wife's jealous mean streak are no match for the cow milking maiden's cleverness.* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show on Canadian television circa the late 1990s *Somewhere between Andy Kaufman and the geek who bites the heads off chickens at the county fair.* close to 2 1/2 stars

William Peter Blatty's "The Ninth Configuration" --1980-- *"Consider the lillies of the field."* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Double Jeopardy *"You figure that you're owed something for all the love and compassion that you carry in you..." A liberal cop comes face to face with the harsh reflection of reality in an oily mudpuddle on the other side of the rainbow. One of many storyline elements including Dan Hedaya as a dirty cop who turns out surprisingly to be easily deeply sympathetic for.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Dead Talk Back *A model murdered by crossbow. Was it the amateur necromancer, the hip richboy, the confrontational preacher, the quiet abuser, the German pervert, or the nervous pornographer? If the dead girl can't tell us, we'll never know. Detective work depends on kooky science and no forensic nonsense.* 2 stars with riffing 1 star without

"The Conjuring" --2013-- *It's surprising to learn that famed demonologists The Warrens were actually selfless truthseekers and not the scam artists they were proven to be.* close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Dreadful Doll *Witchdoctor Beavis working for a mercenary Fred Flintstone.* 2 1/2 stars

"Phase IV" --1974-- *The perceived terror of a terrrestrial advancement not our own.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: I Robot *What is the value of conceived worth? Adam Link, the first sentient robot, has an amount of quality, as relating to empathy, greater than most humans.* 3 stars

South Park: #Rehash *Commentary and clit rubbing, both by obnoxious social media celebrities, is the entertainment content of the future.* 3 stars

South Park: #Happy Holograms *The most ignorant Christas special ever is now trending.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Birth Marks *Kari Wuhrer joins the cast as a test tube teen, and Jim's older brother -Will- becomes the central character as ST's link to the human world.* 2 1/2 stars

"Rewind This" --2013-- *"Don't let your mom tell you that you can't make a monster movie." *quoting* a door to door monster movie salesman and the self proclaimed Ed Wood of the 21st century. That pretty much sums up the 30 plus year culture, that became a cult, of video.* 3 stars

"Forced Entry" --1974-- *One of the first movies to deal with post traumatic stress disorder also happens to be a gritty 1970s NYC serial killer study mixed with a sleazy 42nd street rough porno. This is when skin flicks tried to be film art and this one is bold enough to juxtapose a home invasion sicko's forced oral money shot with scenes of burning Vietnamese villages and crying villagers.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

David Cronenberg's "Dead Ringers" *One never has to feel alone what with shared life experiences, sexual opponents, the psychic connection between siblings, or the prescribed lifeline of addiction.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Universal Remote *Skipping through the boring parts of life just to hurry up and get to second base with girls.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Awesome Show- Great Job! ---Chrimbus Special--- -2010- *"The Winter Man wants you to eat a pound of hair per year."* close to 2 1/2 stars

Bob & Margaret: The Holiday *Hijacked hip hip hooray.* 3 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Battle of the Barbarians *Big barbarians in little Beijing.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 -episode 6 *There's more than one way to kindle a fire, skin a rabbit, marry into an inbred family, serve a deity, shoot arrows, inflict torture, or climb an icy face of a wall.* 3 stars

Twin Peaks: Beyond Life and Death *Wow, Bob, Wow!* 3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community TV- The Comedy Network --1998(?)-- *Tom Green seemed funny when I was around sixteen, now, sixteen years later, he seems more like a shithead.* either zero stars or 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Nightly Neighbors *The people who just moved in next door are nocturnal freaks with fridges full of blood in their basement. A Nickelodeon version of Fright Night.* 2 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Doctor Jack *The key to a disgraced surgeon's miracle surgeries is a scalpel that hungers for shadowy street murders.* 3 stars

Farscape: The Flax *Scavenging, self preservation, strategic chessgames, sweet romance, and sacrifice all at the flypaper snare strip in the pirate portion of the universe.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: The Blanks *The Blanks (anonymous), for highly justified political reasons of freeing unjustly imprisoned Blanks, hack into and threatened to shut down a technology dependent society ran by corrupt corporations and politicians.* 3 stars

X Files: Ice *Who goes there? Another tense, paranoid version of the classic sci fi story involving a parasitic alien in an arctic setting.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 -episode 5 *Memorial shrine to regretful medical malpractice.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Asylum --Origins of Monstrosity-- *Skin to skin. A mother's touch.* 3 stars --Dark Cousin-- *Summon the angel of death.* 3 stars --Unholy Night-- *Satan frees Santa from solitary.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 16 *A strange, and humorously titled, ghost communication device called "Frank's Box" is used to speak to spirits trapped by a demon inside an insane asylum with a dark history and many unmarked graves on its grounds.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"The Dark Secret of Harvest Home" *"What men may never know and what women may never tell." Townies from NYC accidentally take a wrong turn across a picturesque covered bridge into a frozen in colonial times New England village where the townfolk have strange customs involving corn and keeping to the old ways. The more the inquisitive sketch artist husband digs into the secrets surrounding a strange death, the more the mother and daughter get caught up in the cult nature of the many festivals. It turns out to be a fertility cult where the new blood wife is mounted and humped in front of the cuckold hubbie by a bohunk who is then beheaded. As tradition, the husband's eyes are then scratched out by the white robed pagan women for having witnessed the sacred act. See, this is why I fully throw my hat behind the patriarchy and not mother earth religions.* 3 stars

"Hot Summer in the City" ---sexploitation--- --1976-- *While a soundtrack of songs like AM radio gold classic "Everlasting Love" played as militant black power jive bruthas took turns on a scared Alice in Wonderland captive piece of "white pussy" and the group's cockeyed idiot gets brow beaten and bitch slapped for getting his "finger stuck in her asshole," I realized why this movie is self hating, w.a.s.p. hating, obvious subversive, ugly mongoloid looking Quentin Tarantino's favorite dirty movie.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Boy Parts" *Extra piece of fried chicken. Frankenstein boyfriend. Ghetto hair extensions. 180 year old racist. Poisoned buckwheat. Alligator dung. Snake eggs. Stevie Nicks. Deep fried revenge. Poaching game. Minotaur Mandingo. Woman on top.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

King of the Nerds: Imaginary Realms *Cosplay challenge. The only cosplay that ever interested me was the scene from Revenge of the Nerds where there's spacesuit deception in order to get nookie from a cheerleader inside a moonwalk attraction at the fair.* 2 stars

Kung Fu, the series: King of the Mountain *Confrontation is not courageous, but it is indeed cool when it is combat, on the side of a cliff, between David Carradine and a cowboy bounty hunter John Saxon.* 3 stars

American Gothic: Eye of the Beholder *Faust Gump* 3 stars

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