#who didn't truly care for me
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This was it, even though you never asked.
#i wouldn't have ever considered you a 'one that got away.'#i never had you#and you definitely never had me#but those first few lines definitely defined my initial stages of depression at realising I'd been used and discarded like a doll#i held on for you. and even then what I'd managed wasn't good enough for you.#you very conveniently forgot that I'd been the one to start every conversation since you went radio silent after japan#texted you on your birthday (because I REMEMBERED)#but we don't talk about that bit do we? just the parts where my attempts assauge your guilt#got drunk with my friends last night and talked about love. guess I woke up this morning a bit...I don't know. you never even occurred to me#that part of my life is over- I felt weird to know how much pain you caused me and yet you didn't even come up in my mind-#when I was talking about every love I've had.#i suppose because what we were to each other was unbalanced. I asked for one thing- you said the opposite but your actions followed my words#said you loved me and that I was your heart. but you treated me with distance and hardly a thought#i acted distant for a time. but I was young and stupid and believed your words instead of your actions#so then you got what you wanted. a clingy lovesick girl while you got to sit back and...what?#that's the only bit I still hold onto. I look at that girl and want to weep for how she'd been so blind. empty excuses and loaded actions.#but I loved you. and I took any excuse you fed me. the alternative was to face the fact that I'd wasted so much emotion and time on someone-#who didn't truly care for me#Spotify
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woke up from a dead sleep last night realizing I could make soroku flavored pitch pearl and no one could stop me
edit: you know what? I'm feral and I won't apologize. more under the cut bc this is my house
I slammed this out all at once so I apologize for the quality but I'm having EMOTIONS
so imagine. bc of the way Danny was quickly resuscitated, his ghost only barely started forming. With the excess blast of ectoplasm from the portal being created, that little whisp was given form even after Danny's soul returned to his body.
except this ghost (Phantom) slowly comes into consciousness while trapped in Danny's body. they're separate entities sharing one body, but Phantom doesn't really have a sense of self right away. he pieces together vague fragments of Danny's memory to get a basic understanding of the world, and is mostly just observing like a backseat passenger.
Phantom starts reflexively protecting Danny, his powers and instincts bleeding through when his emotions are high. Danny doesn't really transform, and his personality doesn't totally shift that much at first because Phantom’s mind isn't complex yet. but as time goes on, and Danny has tense conversations with ghosts, Phantom realizes that's what he is. he's a ghost, somehow trapped in his old body. and even now, this early on, he already feels separate. he doesn't have all the memories Danny has.
this slowly turns into horror. into rage. sorrow, mourning a life he never got and will never get to have. forever trapped behind the eyes of someone else, never able to interact with the world. Phantom's rage eventually boils over until it allows him short bursts of taking over Danny's body. it starts out small–a stray hand moving without his consent, knees locking up, ghost abilities going awry. Danny can start feeling emotions that don't belong to him. get vague impressions, almost hears a voice inside him.
and eventually, Phantom is able to fully take over. this is when Danny “transforms". at first, Danny blacks out because his consciousness isn't used to being shoved into the back seat. but eventually, he's awake for these “episodes", trapped in the back of his mind while Phantom controls his body. this only happens when ghost stuff is happening, when Phantom feels threatened enough. he's not protecting Danny, he's protecting himself. Phantom knows instinctively that if Danny dies, he dies too. he's not a normal ghost, he wouldn't be freed. he'd simply disappear.
at one point after a fight, Phantom can feel Danny struggling to take back control. and he talks to Danny for the first time, acknowledges he's there. asks how it's fair that Danny is the one that gets to exist. but Phantom is tired and weak, he slips back into the passenger seat.
over the next few days, he's able to start talking to Danny even while he's not driving. though he's not chatty, it's only when necessary. and Danny knows, can feel it across the link between them–Phantom hates him. the ghost he created is desperate to find a way to take over completely. and as time goes on, Danny realizes with horror that it might actually be possible for Phantom to do that. he grows stronger every day, can stay transformed longer, controls Danny's body with much more ease.
it's only through a chance meeting with Frostbite that Danny and Phantom fully learn what happened to them. Danny feels sympathetic towards Phantom now. this isn't a malevolent ghost, it's a person who was never given the chance to live. who's trapped. who has to watch someone else live a life they're just as deserving of.
and Phantom feels that emotion from Danny. is so shocked by it, he doesn't know how to handle it at first. it takes him a while to contemplate, to talk to other ghosts like Frostbite. until one day, Phantom realizes… he feels sympathy for Danny, too.
neither of them asked for this. both of them deserve to live. Danny didn't do anything wrong. they're both villains to each other's story. and if anything… doesn't Phantom owe his life to Danny in the first place?
Phantom takes over less often. Danny doesn't feel hatred from him anymore. anger, yes–but not aimed at him. in fact, Phantom starts controlling their body in little ways in order to protect Danny from things that aren't even dangerous. just to avoid pain that would only affect the human tethered to him.
it isn't long before they're separated, either thanks to another ghost or Danny's parents. they're thrown apart in the middle of a horrific fight, and when Danny sees Phantom's equally shocked expression, he's terrified.
this ghost that hated him for so long–at best, Phantom would leave him defenseless. at worst, surely some part of Phantom still wants to kill him for stealing away his chance for autonomy.
and yet, when fire rains down on them, Phantom risks it all to grab Danny and get them both to safety. they're still both shaken and stunned this is even happening, but Phantom is able to nervously be like shit shit shit okay stay here don't go anywhere or I can't protect you, okay?
after the fight is over and dust settles, Phantom offers Danny his hand. they stare at each other and god if this isn't the weirdest thing. like, uh, okay, what now? they decide to go see Frostbite, who confirms that they're fully separate now. they ask if there's any chance of merging again and Frostbite assures it's impossible.
Phantom asks, even if I overshadowed Danny? or stay real close? yes, it's nothing to worry about. they leave, and back in the quiet of Danny's room, they talk. Phantom isn't sure what to do. now that opportunity is in front of him, he feels paralyzed. Danny does his best to let Phantom know that… they might be separate now, but if he ever wants help or even just a friendly ear, he's here for him.
Phantom is quiet for a while. then says maybe he just needs to rest first. he'll think about it tomorrow. they're both exhausted and injured. Phantom asks quietly… if he could rest in Danny for the night.
Danny's shocked, and–really confused. Phantom blushes and is like I don't know what my haunt is yet, I don't know where to go, but I know… you're kind of my home. now that I know I can leave whenever I want, it's not something bad anymore. I miss feeling your heart next to my core, just a little bit.
and Danny is just as surprised when Phantom overshadows him, then quietly nestles into the passenger seat again. he didn't realize how he got used to feeling Phantom with him. it's a feedback loop of contentedness, and Danny sleeps easily. (they also find out while sharing a body, Danny gets to reap the benefits of Phantom's supernatural healing)
anyway that's all I got for now thank u for coming to my ted talk
#I'll be honest. it has interested me. I've read fics. I'm just more interested in other stuff for dp#but the prospect of pitch pearl 'enemies to friends also maybe they kiss about it' has me sweating nervously#the struggle and angst of defining yourself against your progenitor. the defiant sorrowful anger funneled into misplaced hatred#only to slowly realize your progenitor is a sweet person who didn't condemn you. they even fight for you to have your own agency#so once you finally have your own body you'll do anything to protect that person you've come to truly care about#and because you shared a body for so long. because you had the same origin. you know them as well as you know yourself#you're not incomplete but you still hold half of each other#HAHA WOW anyway I'm in danger :)#don't. don't look at me#should i even tag this. yeah okay#Danny Phantom#pitch pearl
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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'
#red said#recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis#like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes#and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not#for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening#i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine#as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital#as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin#ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes#some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am#bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me#like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD#there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife#but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't#tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us#like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well#i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point#anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also#been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them#i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it#most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables#honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk#is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry
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say cheese! 📸
#LUCY#Band LUCY#Band LUCY fanart#Cho Wonsang#Jo Wonsang#kitkatart#listen... i had plans to draw other things this weekend#i really did!#but nothing was working until i started drawing silly wonsangs and then that was the only thing that would cooperate#he is so cute i love him terribly#he really is so sweetheart with the shiny eyes like#how are his eyes so pretty and warm and full of stars??#the amount of times i had to stop for a moment while drawing this bc he's so handsome and cute...#i didn't capture it well but the juxtaposition between his adorable poses and the protruding veins on his hands and arms is so funny to me#also i didn't even realize all of these pictures had a similar palette until i started coloring them haha#lucy truly makes me want to create soooo many things!!#we'll see how many of those things i have the time energy and ability to actually do though lol#it's silly but every time i finish a drawing that i'm somewhat satisfied with i'm like#neat! glad i haven't lost the ability to do that yet!#also “drawing is fun” i say while gritting my teeth and focusing on every little detail#i wish i was one of those artists who had the ability to make cute sketches and upload those bc they're so nice but#unfortunately that's just not who i am as a person 😓#anyway i hope everyone is taking care!#i had to draw something silly and cute to cope with... current events. everything. you know how it goes lol
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“white mourning.”
#‘‘A white mourning. A modern death. Divorce or something similar. All you can do is put more distance between you & him. make him smaller.’’#jean is a very easy character to hate if you know nothing about him. & you know what they say. easy target doesn’t make for a good practice#judit literally compares harry to intellectually disabled man yet you don’t see ppl hating her because she is outwardly nice.#she’s polite yes but she doesn’t care as much as jean cares for harry#he is not perfect. he is mean. but loyal. if he truly didn't care he wouldn't hab come back to martinaise & coulda just reported harry’s as#he put up with du bois’ bullshit for years and built a toxic (totally straight) relationship with him yet always comes back.#he says he will leave you in the village to die but please understand harry isn't exactly a great person. especially pre-bender hdb.#planned a make up joke & put on a wig for hdb even tho he wasn’t the who started the whole fiasco#you can hate him all you want for leaving harry before & during tribunal but how could he have foreseen all this bullshit would have happen#his second leaving is kinda bullshit writing but#jv is dealing with his own demons too. clinical depression. partner almost died. job is shit. case spiraling out control#i do not blame the DE staff either. sometimes shit just happens. not everything needs a grand explanation.#but it definitely coulda been handled better. but i understand. resources were sparse.#i relate to jv. as someone with temper issues & attention problems i have to remove myself from the scene or i'll say shit i'd regret late#my man is having the worst week of his life. leave him alone.#kim is great but have u heard of a man who thinks he's old when he is only 30 & luvs horses & his commie boyfriend that he's divorcin' soon#disco elysium#de fanart#jean vicquemare#disco elysium fanart#jean heron vicquemare#jean posting#illustration#de#artists on tumblr#I WANTED TO DRAW THIS FOR MONTHSSS YOU COULDN'T IMAGINE. HE LITERALLY HAUNTED ME IN MY SLEEP!!!#i love him normal amount. very healthy. much feelings#my little maiu maiu#cryptiduni#my art
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it confuses me when people say they like willow or xander and then get all uncomfortable and condemning about, like... major parts about them. you don't like that they're wildly possessive of which often leads them to acting irrational and awful...... which is like one of their biggest traits? oh, and you hate that they're not fantastic friends to buffy............. which is also like. how they are. pretty much the entire time we know them. okay!
wow, you find xander to be annoying bc he's a dumb dude who seriously needs to unlearn some ideals and really outta treat his girlfriends nicer. I'm dismayed at his typical guy-ness. bummer, we don't enjoy that willow is like totally abusive when it comes to exerting whatever power can get over people. that sure is a bad thing she does.
I just. I like them BECAUSE of these things idk how the hell you could possibly separate these things from them and still enjoy these characters it boggles my mind
#these are the most common complaints I have seen from people who say they enjoy one of or both of these characters#and it makes me ????#also once again bc I've talked about this before there something SERIOUSLY codependent and unhealthy going on with the core scoobies#NONE of them treat their partners all that great tbh it's just xander gets the most shit for it bc he's ig the most obvious about it#sorry but despite willow's love what she did to tara clearly shows she could've and would've been worse to her if she wanted to#she had the potential for being a worse gf it just didn't manifest until later and tara shut that shit DOWN quick#and even then there are little things like why the hell was tara never properly integrated into the scoobies. a forever outsider#this is my girlfriend willow and her girlfriend tara. that is the dynamic of the scoobs + tara be fr#also ik this is the xander harris hate site and you'll probably see me as being kind here but I genuinely think y'all hate on him too much#he is not that awful? he's not like the best person but oh my god guys this is INSANE how much we hate this guy#I'll admit the narrative does him fucking dirty the way it treats him as so good. but xander himself is such an interesting character imo#anyways. I like both of these characters bc they are not good people to those they care about despite sincerely truly loving them#and that is SO fun to explore and examine#willow rosenberg#xander harris#btvs#buffy the vampire slayer
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One of the hardest things to actually accept, in my experience, is that you eventually have to forgive yourself for the harm you did to yourself. A good way to move on from that is just being able to let your past self rest in peace. Don't stomp on their resting spot, they need to be at peace. They deserve to be at peace, and so do you.
#mental health#mental health recovery#self harm tw#sh tw#self harm mention tw#(just for the implication)#i'm trying to accept the things i did when i was young to harm myself#and i'm scared to think of the ramifications my self-destructive habits and bahavioural patterns will have on my future self (if any)#(this is part of why i think we NEED to destigmatize scars. i looked at the way people with visible self-harm scars were treated...#...and so i harmed myself in ways that didn't leave scars which were MORE dangerous in the end i think)#if you have visible scars from *anything* i truly love that you're here and you're reading this (maybe)#unreality tw#(just in case? i think this post can count)#i just like the visualization of separating my present with my past#because i can treat him with the respect that i'd give to somebody else in his situation#is it healthy? who knows but it helps me remember to be compassionate so i don't particularly care
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Pain is being an ulquihime shipper but having to block/avoid most of them because they are weirdly anti-Orihime, anti-bleach ending, or "anti how Kubo wrote Orihime" even though she's one of the most consistently and well-written female characters in Shounen as well as the fact that they try to make Ulquiorra care more about Orihime than he actually did in the manga or even god forbid try to say that Ulquiorra cared more about Orihime than Ichigo did.
#rainbow talking#bleach#orihime inoue#ulquiorra cifer#I'm tired i'm so tired this is suffering#this is what suffering looks like#i'm screaming into the void rn bc like#you dont have to woobify or babygirl-ify Ulquiorra#ulquiorra shiffer#Ulquihime works so well because it's someone who has no emotions and someone who wears her heart on her sleeve#He didn't truly care about Orihime until he was dying and realized what it meant to have a heart#that's also part of what makes the ship so tragic#he finally discovered the meaning and answer but wasn't able to appreciate it fully#idk if any other ulquihime shipper feels this way#probably just me considering the current state of the fandom but ugghhhh#its so hard to enjoy a ship when it is so painfully clear people don't like the other half of it#like many of them don't actually like Orihime with Ulquiorra they like THEIR IDEA OF ORIHIME with Ulquiorra#and I understand fanon =/= canon#and im not gunna sit here and say fanart and theories and analysis have to be fully lore accurate#but it is painfully obvious some of you are taking the worst possible interpretation#of Orihime as a character and twisting Ichigo into someone who didn't actually care bout Orihime to that degree#while at the same time shipping him with R**** and Orihime with Ulquiorra#i normally dont censor character names but I did this time since it ain't entirely her fans... but sadly a lot of them are#like “”Ulquirra tried to protect Orihime from Ichigo“” no he didn't#he knew about her powers for rejection and planted the seed of doubt that she couldn't heal him#hell EVEN HE questions who tf that is when Ichigo rises in his VL state#as far as he was concerned Ichigo was dead as a doorknob
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sometimes i remember the hunger games and how nobody actually paid attention to what was in those books
#americans close your eyes and ears right now#i'm well aware that my political takes are way too spicy for you all#and i really do wish my media diet didn't contain so much us-centric shit#but alas we're all suffering here#and i could say that 'oh actually it does matter who your president is for us in the world'#but it doesn't. it really fucking doesn't. that's kind of the point.#oh i'm sorry my spicy takes are already starting#anyway it is wild that you all can understand katniss assassinating coin at the end of mockingjay#but get super upsetty that chappell roan won't support your favorite presidential candidate with her full chest#like come on none of you actually thought that her using the phrase both sides meant that she was a republican or even a centrist#that's just copium#you all knew exactly what she meant#but i guess encouraging people to think critically and get involved with their local elections and politics as well is... bad now?#also... why do you all care so much about a random pop star's opinion and whether or not she dares to criticize a government#like... she's right but i'm sure 5 years from now if she survives in the limelight her edges will be completely chipped away#by all this insane reaction#and before anyone comes for me... no i'm not saying you shouldn't vote. please fucking do.#neither am i saying you shouldn't vote strategically or encourage other people to do so#but if all your energy is spent policing people who criticize your chosen party because of their own principles#then there's something seriously wrong with your politics#and all you're signalling is that you truly do not fucking care about the issues that they care about#if anything..... you RESENT them#and then the same people bring up the parable of the 'unjust man'#or how it's never the right time to talk about gun violence in your country#harm reduction is all good and based but attacking people who are leveraging their support to push your party left#is not. it's not even fucking helpful#anyway. don't base your lives and politics around pop stars.#even if they are more based than you 🤷#i think i'm done now thank you tumblr for letting me have insane rants in my tags that hopefully no one reads#idk i just find this all depressing. i wish you all cared more about the world outside of your bubble. i wish we all did - myself included.
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on some level I understand that welcome to hell is probably a little harder to sell than hazbin given the *gestures vaguely* entire main plotline of w2h THAT SAID im going to be mad about it forever. because one of them is actually funny and has good character design and compelling dynamics and a good plot and its not the one about the freaking hotel.
#literally hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby like nothing vivziepop ever writes will be as good as your first demonic possession#everyone who knows me irl is going to look away now because I need to be really mean about hazbin for a second#and I feel bad doing that because I know my wonderful friends like it. but its my god given right to be a hater on my Tumblr blog.#LIKE ive seen some of hazbin and helluva. theyre mid theyre so mid.#the plots are not compelling the characters have no intriguing chemistry#theyre throwing so much at you both character and storyline wise and its impossible to keep track of anything. theres no time to care about#anyone or any of their stories!!!#and they both rely so much on swear words/sex jokes for their writing and like. its just too much it stops being funny.#anyone who knows me knows I love a good swear or a good sex joke but dude theyre just so constant that they dont work#and it also cheapens the parts that actually try to get serious you know? the tonal whiplash just makes it hard to take anything seriously#like I honestly think if they took hazbin a little more seriously it could actually be good. like I get the oooo swears for adults aspect#but truly if they just bothered to write a good plot instead of forcing a million fuck jokes into it then it could work. but they didn't.#sad!!!!#okay im nice now. when my beautiful friends bring up hazbin I will bite my tongue and not even say anything a little mean#even though its bad and sucks. I will focus on the parts of it that could have worked. so that I can engage with their interests kindly#because all their other interests rule so hard. its just hazbin that I can't stand.
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every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space
i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !
#i inserted [disabled person] because they used a fucking slur instead and i didn't want that in my post#like i feel like there should be room for disabled people like me whose lives literally entirely depend on accessing said >#> extremely limited benefits in conversations about whether voting in this election makes you complicit in genocide#which like! i do understand. i do. it's nauseating to think about what this shit ass country is doing. it's horrific. i do not blame anyone#> for not wanting to be a part of that. *and* i am also terrified for my own life because i remember the first time trump won it suddenly >#> became IMPOSSIBLE for ANYONE to get on benefits. EVER. and so many disabled ppl i know went to renew benefits theyd had for decades >#> just to be denied. one of whom was a below-the-neck paraplegic. he died because he lost those benefits!!! because trump won#i really do understand why people dont feel right voting for harris. or why they don't vote at all. i truly do. but holy shit i am so scare#and yes! i am aware that people in palestine and gaza are suffering so much worse. and i wish i could change that#but every single person in power in the US is pro-israel and eagerly drinking the anti-palestine kool-aid. no matter who wins >#> things will not change in that part of the world. and it is infuriating. when the revolution comes this will change. but it hasnt.#the revolution will not save me as a physically disabled person. it will not save any of us. we do not matter to leftists. i am sorry but >#> this is the one thing i have learned after being in leftist spaces for over 10 years. and posts like the one i mentioned prove it#so i am very sorry. i really am. for being physically disabled. but i cannot survive another 4 years relying on my parents for everything#if trump wins i will be killing myself. this is a promise. i cannot do that again#i know it makes me a bad person to be afraid that harris will lose. but people on the left already think i'm a bad person for being disable#i want the genocide to stop. i absolutely do. i also want to survive. i am terrified that the US leftists will sacrifice disabled people#like me so they can feel good about being put in a real life trolley situation#again. im sorry. im so fucking sorry. i wish i was a better person. i wish i was able to give more. i know that if i was just a good#person i would be able to have a job and give to every palestinian gofundme on my dash. i would be able to do more than my daily clicks >#> and reaching out and calling representatives that don't care. if i was a good person i would be able to convince my parents that z*onism>#is deeply fucking racist. and that israel is wildly racist and killing palestinians for fun. if i was a good person i would be able to make#>them leftists too. im sorry. im sorry. im sorry im not good enough. im sorry that im scared. im so scared and it's not right for me to be#when so much worse is going on because of this countrys bloodlust. im sorry that im benefiting from being born here i dont want to be#im sorry for not having any other options. if i was a good person i know i would have them. im sorry. god im sorry im so fucking sorry
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you know when there is one person you need to have a fight with (my dad) but you cant so you find yourself subconsciously picking fights with other people -_-
yeah i need to stop that
#jrnlsht#there is a giant ache that overwhelms even the slight wound from nick being a butt over this illness#and its that my dad is acting like he just doesnt care at all#and it is crushing me#i knew we were distant but i didn't know until now that he really truly didnt care#i have to figure out a way to reconcile with that and honestly im at a loss#this is like when my dad kept canceling his visits to me or my visits to him#and i kept defending him and saying excuses#until finally my one programmer friend here sat me down and said laura you keep saying that your dad is the one person you rely on#but he hasnt been reliable for years#and i realized my friend was right#this is just an extension of that shit that happened like two years ago#but dad was always the good one who saved me from my moms abuse and i am forever blind to his failings
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i think what hits most about nobara's backstory is everything that's left unsaid and peaks from between the lines. it's the fact you can easily infer that something was wrong without ever having clear answers on what exactly was wrong. but if you can relate to the feeling of wanting to escape a place and the alienation from everyone around you, especially when you're brought up in small communities, then you can certainly understand, if not fully then partially, nobara herself and the struggles she might have had to face all by herself for a very long time; maybe even the importance fumi and saori had in her life and the pain from having to part from them; and, perhaps the selectiveness in letting people in that she later on develops as well.
#the way her story is told from fumi's point of view is quite interesting#nobara's backstory is like a silent whisper without a lot of obvious context and told from someone else's perspective#someone who until the end never really understood her fully despite their obvious close bond#someone who we weren't even aware was part of her life#and nobara's peak emotional moment and the last person she thinks as her life is in danger is her and the promise she didn't accomplish#a promise to reunite with the friends that shaped her and her life#ah.#i find her last line so... powerful?#she definitely struggled growing up and the only two people she kept in her heart from her life before jujutsu were people that#moved to where she lived. saori didn't even stay in that place for long. and then she moves somewhere new and she meets people#and a group that actually feels like home a community where she fits in and suddenly they kind of break through making place in her heart#just for everything to come to a halt. to turn to shit. for her to see that shatter away little by little. and in the end she's put in a#position where she knows she will not be able to hold on to what she cares for the most. that she will hurt people that truly cared for her#for not being able to go back to fumi and rekindle the friendship with saori and for being forced to be another punch in the guts for yuuji#and everyone else that up until that point were forced to go through losses already and traumatic events#and she decides to encourage yuuji to go on a good note and she truly believes the people she met made it worth it#even if it was for a brief moment in her life#i am not being coherent right now but it pains me :')#she deserved so much better#and i will hang on tightly to the line saying that she had a small chance of survival until the end#because she deserves it she deserves to live 😭#i'm taking her from that stupid anime and putting her in a slice of life anime watch me#yuuji too. and everyone else. i'm taking the kaisen out of the jujutsu and you can't stop me#jjk spoilers#nobara kugisaki#jujutsu kaisen#jjk 💭#my post
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Fuschia/Magenta?
#*deep breath kicks down uni door*#VERN!!! VERNIFRED!!! I GOT A HUGE BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!!!!! YES YOU!!!!#“we're only gonna read 1 chap of Don Quixote because it's too much to dive into.”#THIS COMING FROM THE MAN WHO MADE US READ THE ENTIRETY OF DANTES INFERNO#WHO MADE US WRITE 20 PAGE ESSAYS ON THE ODYSSEY#WHO MADE US FOLLOW HIS CANTERBURY TALES HYPERFIXATION FOR NOT 1 BUT 2 SEMESTERS#DISSECTING EVERY. FUCKING. CHARACTER. ACTION.#MAKING ME RESENT CHAUCER TO WHERE I COULDN'T WATCH A KNIGHTS TALE FOR 3 YEARS STRAIGHT#one of my all time favorite movies btw YOU MADE ME HATE THE THING I LOVED VERNIFRED#and you had the GALL to say the class only had 1 chap to dedicate to Don Quixote?#YOU MY FRIEND JUST DIDN'T WANT THE CLASS TO LOSE THEIR SHIT LAUGHING EVERY OTHER CHAPTER#IF YOU'RE AROUND HUMAN HAPPINESS YOU'RE LIKE A WORM DISCOVERING THE BAIT SECTION AT WALMART#ITS EASY TO READ FOR A CLASSIC HAS WIT IS BITTER SWEET AF IS TRAGIC IS FUN AND MAKES YOU WANT TO HAVE CRAZY MAN BIG DICK ENERGY#WHEN YOU HAVE A FOOT IN THE GRAVE#and the banter...THAT SHIT ROCKS#AND IM NOT JUST SAYING THIS CAUSE OF MY OWN HYPERFIX WITH LUIS AND I'M READING FOR RESEARCH#these stories FUCK#I AM SO MAD#SO SO MAD MY PEERS AND I GOT A TASTE OF SOMETHING THAT WOULD'VE KEPT US ENGAGED#AND I AM MAD THAT I RESENTED THAT CLASS SO MUCH THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO TOUCH THE CLASSICS FOR A WHILE#and that it took me until I'm 31 WRITING A DAMN FANFIC IN MY SPARE TIME TO READ THE ENTIRETY OF WHAT I FUCKING MISSED OUT ON#astarion voice: IT WAS RIGHT THERE!!!!!#vernifred...can i can i call you vern?#look...i love you. you were one of the most humble profs i had i looked forward to going to class every mon and tues for lecture and reading#i get the hyperfixations my guy i really and truly do#BUT I STILL RESENT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU FOR THIS ONE#i finally get why luis loved this shit so much too and im seeing more connections with re4 now and it feels like the cherry on top of it all#vern....just....SIGH....GIVE THE DON A CHANCE MAN#FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN WHO WILL BE IN YOUR CARE#YOU KNOW...YOU JUST...MAKE ME...GRRRHFHFHHDJDJ!!! 🖕🏼🖕🏼🖕🏼
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> be a robin buckley fan
> be lesbian
> project on robin
> look up "internalized homophobia robin buckley" on tumblr because it's cathartic
> 3/4 of the posts are about st3ddie or just about steve
#saw one in which steve was like ''no robin you don't understand! i have never been loved! i don't know how that feels like!''#i have several grips about that interpretation#going from the fact that's not true (dustin is clearly a big steve fan + robin herself cares about him deeply)#to the fact he probably wouldn't be introspective enough to voice his emotions this concisely not to mention he'd probably wouldn't take#a moment to realize he's never felt loved if that were the case. i mean. he could think that. when he's like 35 and more in touch with his#inner world. 19yo steve can't even get the hint that hitting on a girl who's already clearly taken (nancy) is wrong so like i don't expect#him to be that smart#but i can live with people having takes i don't agree with. my opinion doesn't have to be everyone else's opinion if you see steve that way#it fine#what bothered me was the fact he was saying this to a lesbian living in the 80s lmao#who tells him that 1) her whole life has been an error 2) she doesn't think he'd want to be close to her if he truly knew her and 3)#3) is paralyzed by fear of social suicide if she dares believe for even a second that the girl she likes may like her too#like i dont need people to do deep dives into robin lore and quote from memory lines from Surviving Hawkins abt robin feeling like she's#rotten inside. not supposed to have friends. feeling like something is wrong with her and that pushes people away etc etc#the fact that she's a lesbian should tell you enough abt who has the biggest chances of being loved 😭#also bothered me that it showed up when looking up posts abt internalized homophobia because?? where's the internalized homophobia therw#unless it's gay steve feeling bad abt it in an AU (as if canon robin didn't go through it)#like look im not bothered to find steve-centric content in the robin tag cos people are gonna tag her in posts mentioning her.#she's his friend.#but there are barely any posts at all about robin's internalized homophobia. like i saw 2 or 3. compared to all the steve or steddie ones#where's the love for my babygirl 😭😭#anti steddie#not really but y'know i don't wanna bother anyone#edit: the bit about there being like 3 posts on robin w internalized homophobia isn't exactly true. there are a few. but they still feel#drowned in st3ddie posts#like something isn't right here
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as I'm going back over my past history and items and journals and years, I come across all sorts of things, like the pencil I saved from that so-precious memory from second grade, and a pair of flip flops I've been missing for two years, and [checks notes] the modern-high-school-AU-kidnapped-by-a-serial-killer story I wrote in late high school jdfsjdfsjkjlksfd
#i can't wait to find out what red flags I didn't see in my own self back when I last read this thing in 2015 hfdhfdhjsfd#also. there's gonna be like a good sentence here and there and then CRINGE. the whole rest of everything is just me still trying to copy th#breathing pace (essentially) and ways-of-describing-things of mainstream authors like I thought I was supposed to#so this'll be somewhat painful but also god what a joy and a gift and an honor and a delight to get to hold this close to my heart#and witness it with understanding and empathy and slow reflection and care like my past younger self deserves#i'm so lucky i'm alive to be here and do this#i'm so grateful i'm headed towards welcoming back and embracing the last little girl i was that still felt a lot of things#so excited for her focus and precision and tenacity and constant curious joy and movement to be back someday#i'm afraid people won't like the me i was before rule after rule and then dangers#but my god it'll feel so good to be the fully-flowing energy machine and dance and conduit again how will I have enough bother to care?#people who are good to each others' nervous systems cumulatively feel better and better#if i'm not good for you and yours then you really truly SHOULD go elsewhere and find someone who makes YOUR self feel right and light + war#anyway now that i wrote an essay in the tags as usual [nervous laughter]#personal#add to journal#words n rhythm#WHY DID I FEEL CAPABLE OF UNDERTAKING A STORY LIKE THIS#cradling my past self gently but also BANGING my HEAD against the WALL lmao#i'm proud of myself for writing and sharing this and its creative ideas. even if i don't like it now or feel ashamed or see mistakes.#anything. it mattered that it came to me and it mattered that i explored it and it mattered that i poured myself through it to help shape i#and it mattered that I left it on the internet so that now it still exists. i'm going to honor this story no matter what current me would#objectively think about it if it was written by anyone else.#this is a gift i give myself now.#this is a lot of what I learn and learn to do#trauma evolution#mosswrites
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