#who am i kidding i still cry every time any of the doctors regenerates so this wont be any different | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

saiilorstars · 4 years ago

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The Beginning of Everything

Ch. 30: Running To You

// Story Masterlist //

Fandom: Doctor Who

Pairing: 10th Doctor x Female OC (new face claim alert!)

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel

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Chapter summary: The Doctor has made the worst possible mistake a Time Lord can make. He can't bring himself to face Renata even when she's so close to death so when he gets pulled back to Earth to face the Master one last time before his death, the Doctor takes it without a second though. But would Renata ever let him run on his own again?

6 months after Gabby's unveiling.

The Doctor had heard the screwdriver ping several times but there was so much going on. At first, he didn't answer because there was a unique distress call coming from Mars. He told himself he'd only pop in, make sure everything was going according to Time, and then he would see what Gabby needed. But when what he finally thought the Mars trip was a done deal, things went terribly wrong. He'd gone too far on his own. He always knew that he couldn't be alone, but he still fell. And this time he'd fallen too deep to be rescued. The bells were ringing and death was coming for him.

It scared him to the bone. How could he face Renata after his monumental screw up? She was always so proper, so law abiding, and he had broken their biggest law. She would hate him. She would hate him for real this time.

But the sonic kept pinging, and pinging…

With another sigh, Gabby lowered the sonic in her hand and looked back to where the glowing golden energy was swallowing up her friend. "He's not answering," she shook her head.

Zhe was at Renata's bedside, gripping Renata's left hand while the Time Lady writhed in pain. "I don't think she's going to last much longer."

Gabby bit her lower lip until she drew blood. Zhe was absolutely right. She didn't understand why the Doctor wasn't calling back. The few times that she'd paged him, he'd been very dutiful and returned the call within minutes. What could he possibly be doing right now that was more important than Renata!?

"C-can't hold it…" Renata groaned loudly and twisted her body to each side every minute. "I'm going to…"

"Don't use up your energy," Zhe tried calming her by passing her hand through Renata's hair. She didn't pull away when she realized how damp Renata's hair had become.

"There's no energy left!" Renata cried out in pain. She screwed her eyes shut and tried to think of anything but her impending death. She could feel it this time. It was a proper ending. Her entire body was on fire and unlike all the times before, she wasn't expelling it on the spot. Her head was pounding too. The Time Vortex inside her was making everything in her mind feel like it was being crammed. That was definitely new too. The Time Vortex was mixing, at the very least, with the other energy invading her body and if she didn't regenerate then it would be a real, proper death.

Gabby's heart broke hearing her friend crying in what had to be agonizing pain. She rushed to Renata's other side and took her hand, gripping it as tightly as Zhe was. "You'll be okay, I promise!"

Renata forced herself to open her eyes and see Gabby for the last time. "Oh Gabriella, this is it. This is my goodbye."

"No, no, don't say that," Gabby's eyes filled with tears. "The Doctor probably has a cure already and he's on his way."

"There's nothing left to do," Renata hissed as she felt a new piercing pain cutting through her stomach. "I'm...I'm not sure about regeneration so...so I just...need to thank you for being here. Both of you," she glanced at Zhe. "I don't want to die alone. The last time I died, I did it all by myself and I died during the war. I think maybe that's why this life was never a good one. I died in a war and I was reborn from a war. This life was useless. I never knew how to live happily. I was a nuisance."

"No you weren't," Gabby wanted Renata to laugh with her, to banter until Gabby could convince Renata that she was a good person.

Renata scrunched her face and whimpered. "I don't want to die without the Doctor. I had hope that…" she swallowed hard, "I had hope that maybe I would get a second chance..." Her body seemed to jerk forwards but she didn't have the strength to actually sit up. Instead, gold energy wafted from her body. Renata wanted to hope that it was regeneration energy trying to heal her body. "I need the Doctor," she closed her eyes as tears pooled in them, "I want him here with me. I want him holding my hand, telling me that he's going to make everything better even though I would argue that he couldn't. I want him here…" She gagged only to release more energy. "I need him here...I love him."

"Oh Ren," Gabby felt a deep fury ripple through her at the Doctor's tardiness. Where the hell was he!? Renata looked like a scared kid. Gabby didn't know what to do.

But then she heard something from a distance...a wheezing noise…

Gabby's anger was forgotten in a snap when she heard the beautiful noise of the TARDIS. "Oh he's here! Renata, he's here!" she left a sloppy kiss on Renata's hand and dashed for the door. "Doctor! Doctor!" she yelled all the way down the hall, and to the TARDIS. But she nearly crashed into the door when somebody opened it inches from her face. Gabby fervently shook her head and blinked fast to get her sight back. When she did, she saw who had come. "...Doctor?"

~0~

Earth, 2010.

He was back.

He was back and he was ready to cause havoc wherever he went.

The Doctor thought himself a quick-paced man most of the time. But right now, as he chased after the Master, he seemed like the slowest man in the universe.

The Master - mighty disheveled and even crazier than the last time he'd shown up - ran through a dumpsite. He roared with all his might, letting his voice echo through the dumpsite, before he leaped into the air and landed on a pile of dirt. He stood on his spot, laughing maniacally, and allowed the Doctor to witness his newest abilities. Electricity as it seemed, crackled and shifted his body to a skeleton for a brief moment.

"Please, let me help! You're burning up your own life force!" the Doctor begged to him in vain. The Master jumped off the mountain of trash and continued to run. The Doctor intended on doing the same thing but he was suddenly surrounded by humans.

Wilfred Noble was responsible for it. He'd engineered an entire search party to find the Doctor, and Renata, and was glad to have found at least one of them. The Doctor was bombarded by everyone suddenly around him. He wanted to keep following the Master but it was no use. He was long gone. Now he had to deal with Wilf, and a handsy human. Eventually, he gave in and followed Wilf to some cafe shop more close to the city. With any luck, he might get an idea on how to better catch the Master. His mind spiraled with so many thoughts.

Wilf was nervous pi is himself and that mildly grabbed the Doctor's attention. "I keep seeing things, Doctor, I...this face at night." He continued having horrible nightmares at night, nightmares that seemed relentless to terrify him each night. He didn't know what else to do but find the Doctor and Renata and get them to help him and everyone else having the same nightmares.

"Who are you?" the Doctor suddenly asked him, fixating a suspicious gaze on the man.

"I'm Wilfred Mott," Wilf answered with a light smile.

"No, people have waited hundreds of years to find me and then you manage it in a few hours." The Doctor didn't want to point out that not even Gabby had managed to find him and she had Renata and the sonic. Sometimes, a coincidence isn't one at all.

"Well, I'm just lucky, I s'pose," Wilf gave a light shrug of his shoulders.

"No, we keep on meeting, Wilf. Over and over again, like something's still connecting us."

"Yeah, but what's so important about me?"

"Exactly. Why you?" the Doctor muttered not so quietly and he knew it. If Renata was around, she would've scolded him for being blatantly rude. Renata. His hearts ached knowing that she was so far away from him and...that he might not see her again. This him had expended all his time and what had he done with it? Nothing. He hadn't found anything to help Renata, not even a bit. She was in agonizing pain and right now he wasn't even dedicating his time to find a cure for her. The Master was using that up. He was using his last moments to find the Master.

"Doctor, I've been meaning to ask," Wilf unknowingly yanked the Doctor out of his thoughts. "Where's Renata? I thought she'd be round by that box of yours." But she had yet to make an appearance.

Something flashed over the Doctor's face and Wilf wasn't sure if it was guilt or despondence. Either way, it was grim and overwhelming the Time Lord.

"I'm going to die," the Doctor finally confessed. If he was lucky, Wilf wouldn't completely grasp the implications...not like Renata would, or even Gabby. He had come across the final warning that his ending was near just after making the biggest mistake of his life. He'd crossed the line and this was his punishment.

"Well, so am I, one day," Wilf said, not truly understanding like the Doctor assumed.

"Don't you dare," he warned, almost finding it in him to chuckle.

"All right, I'll try not to."

The Doctor inhaled deeply and leaned his arms over the table. "Renata is far away right now. She's sick and I was supposed to help her, but I haven't been able to live up to my word. No, instead I went out and did something really bad. Something that, if someone had been with me like Renata, maybe I wouldn't have done at all." That's who he was, somebody who couldn't be on his own anymore. The darkness inside him only waited for his friends to leave in order to come out and wreck things.

"Where is she?" asked Wilf out she curiosity and concern.

"On a planet very far away from here." The Doctor exhaled heavily. "I was told. 'He will knock four times.' That was the prophecy. Knock four times, and then…"

"But I thought when I saw you before, you said your people could change, like, your whole body…?"

"I can still die. If I'm killed before regeneration, then I'm dead. Even then. Even if I change, it feels like dying. Everything I am dies. Some new man goes sauntering away. And I'm dead." And a new man will go and find Renata and give her what he couldn't. Maybe the next him would find the cure and heal Renata, like a true doctor.

"Hmm…" Wilf's gaze drifted to the window, specifically at something across the street.

"What?" the Doctor picked up on it and followed Wilf's gaze out the window. There he saw his best friend, Donna Noble, heading down the sidewalk.

"I'm sorry. But I had to. Look, can't you make her better?" Wilf desperately asked. Part of his reason to conduct his search for the Doctor and Renata was to help Donna be the happiest she could be. "You're so clever. Can't you bring her memory back? Look, just go to her now, go on. Just run across the street. Go up and say hello."

The Doctor would want nothing more than that. He would give anything to go back and travel with Donna, Gabby and Renata all together like the little family they'd become. "If she ever remembers me, her mind will burn, and she will die."

"Don't you touch this car!" Donna's loud yell made both men laugh. She was having a go at a parking meter employee in regards to her car.

"She's not changed," the Doctor remarked with a smile.

"Nah. Oh, there he is…" Wilf nodded to a dark skinned man who had joined Donna and was holding her shopping bags. "Shawn Temple. They're engaged. Getting married in the spring."

"Another wedding." The Doctor was happy to know that Donna was at least living a good life without them. Something needed to go right after all the chaos that happened. "Hold on, she's not gonna be called Noble-Temple? Sounds like a tourist spot."

"No, it's Temple-Noble."

"Right. Is she happy? Is he nice?"

"Yeah, he's sweet enough. He's a bit of a dreamer. Mind you, he's on minimum wage, she's earning tuppence, so all they can afford is a tiny little flat. And then sometimes I see this look on her face. Like she's so sad, but she can't remember why."

"But she's got him," the Doctor said, sparing the window another glance. Donna had just stopped talking to a dark-haired woman on the street. "That's all she needs." God knew one person could make a huge difference in one's life. And right now, his person was light years away.

Unknowingly, the same woman Donna had been talking to walked into the cafe. She went directly up to the counter and greeted the current waitress. They had a few words that prompted the woman to look around until she found the Doctor. She froze for a moment after catching his eye. He tilted his at her, eyes scrutinizing her appearance as she started walking towards their table.

"What is it?" Wilf turned slightly in the booth to see what the Doctor was looking at.

The young woman stopped by their table, wearing a warm smile across her face. Her dark brown - almost black - hair cascaded down her shoulders, stopping shortly above her elbows. There was a bright white flower tucking behind her left ear. She was a bit light skinned as if she was sun tanned. Her eyes were dark but there was a lighter shade right in the center of her irises. She wore a flower patterned dress with a few buttons going down her chest, the top one left unbuttoned.

"Can we help you?" the Doctor asked her, getting a faint feeling that he was supposed to know her from somewhere.

The woman smiled but said nothing. Instead, she reached for a necklace around her neck - the Doctor hadn't even realized she was wearing one! She unfastened it and let it gently fall to the table. The Doctor only briefly studied it before he got a tingling sensation in his head. It was the same as the Master. He looked up at the woman with widened eyes. As the seconds passed, the sensation got stronger, deeper, until he started seeing things.

1914. John Smith had just bumped into Renata Cartwright.

Then they were on the Titanic dancing sweetly moments before they would argue.

They met Donna, then Gabby, and they visited Zhe's gallery. Butterflies, so many butterflies clouded his mind.

The Doctor's body jumped from the booth, hitting his side on the corner of the table in the process but it didn't register to him. He faced the woman and re-scrutinized her whole body. She reached up to his ear, maybe slightly less, which wasn't that big of a difference from her last body…

When he met her eyes, he realized they were both teary. Although his teariness stemmed from a very dark spot and hers was a happy one.

"Hello, Doctor. I'm glad I finally found you," she whispered.

"Renata?" He suddenly had no air in that bypass system of his. When she gave a confirming nod, he nearly crumpled in pain. "You regen...you regenerated!?"

Renata hated to nod again but she did. He looked ready to fall so she quickly dove to hold and hug him. "N-n-n-no, Doctor! It's fine! It's fine! Look at me!" she cupped his face and sweetly smiled at him. "Look at me," she whispered. "I'm fine. I'm okay. I'm okay."

Few tears rolled down the Doctor's cheeks. "I failed you …"

"No, you didn't," Renata fervently shook her head. "You did everything you could but my time was up. I only got time to say goodbye." The Doctor's head wanted to lower but Renata had a firm grip on him. "Doctor, it's okay. I'm okay now." But he failed her, he was seeing her now. She had regenerated without him there at her side. No, he had been too busy running from his mistake. "Doctor, stop it," Renata scolded lightly.

Their minds were still connected, for the moment and she was seeing all of his mistakes...all of them. When the Doctor realized this, his head hung low this time. He was ashamed and embarrassed. Renata wouldn't want anything to do with him. And she would be right. He failed her so many times.

Renata's thumbs cleared the tears off his face. "Shh, I'm here. I'm here for you." She raised his head so that she could see his eyes. "And it looks like there's trouble aboard so…" she kissed his nose and lifted his head so that he would straighten up. "Let's get to work." She fixed his tie until it was straight. The Doctor nodded but it was done mainly out of instinct.

Renata looked past him and smiled at Wilf. "Nice to see you again, Wilf. I just talked to Donna - just a bit - and she seems like herself."

Wilf stared at her, logically confused until he could find his words. "You're…Renata?"

Renata nodded. "Yes. Look a bit different now, which is why I took advantage and snuck to see Donna. Broke a rule." She chuckled to herself and missed the Doctor's stunned face beside her.

She...broke a rule?

"But are you alright?" Wilf stood up from the booth and, like the Doctor, looked Renata over. If she changed her face then it meant she'd died.

"I am just fine, Wilf," Renata nodded. "But you aren't. I hear there are some bad dreams you're having?" Wilf nodded affirmatively. "Well, you did the right thing trying to find us. Tell you what, you go on home and we'll do a few things on our own for a couple hours."

"But I don't-"

Renata put a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I promise you that we will be back. There's just a couple things I'd like to discuss with the Doctor in private."

"You promise?" Wilf was more inclined to believe the woman, but he still wanted to hear her say it.

Renata went as far as raising her hand when she promised him again. It proved true to Wilf and so he felt confident enough to leave the cafe knowing that they would find him again. It left Renata an open spot on his side of the booth. She slid in and smiled casually as she picked up a menu from the table's rack. Her eyes gazed over the menu, humming a tune like she was truly there for breakfast or lunch. The Doctor only stared at her, trying to figure something out.

But once again, Renata knew.

"It is me, and I did regenerate." Her eyes flickered from the menu to meet his. Her lips slightly pulled for a wider smile. "I'm not going to lie I still have a headache but I think...I think with some time the Time Vortex will finally find a stabilizing level."

"But the other energy—"

"May have combined with the Time Vortex during my regeneration. Isn't it ironic?" Renata lowered the menu to the table. "I had to die in order to have a chance to live. All my regeneration energy managed to ease the outrageous levels of toxins in my body and I think, if we check later on, it might be forming a new stabilized energy."

"But you died…" the Doctor could barely string the two words together. All he knew was that he missed her death. She must have been so lonely...

"Yes, I did but I didn't die alone." She was still reading his mind. It was rude but for the moment she would leave it open until he got everything off his chest. Plus, it was kind of nice having his presence inside her head. "I had Gabby and I had Zhe...and I had somebody else." Her hand reached the white flower resting behind her ear. The Doctor saw the movement and couldn't help question the gentle stroke she gave it, like it was so precious to her. "I admit I was scared. I wasn't sure if I would make it through regeneration but...here I am."

"I'm so sorry, Renée," the Doctor barely got to say when Renata grabbed his hands on the table.

"No, no, you don't have to apologize for anything."

The Doctor swallowed a lump in his throat while he shook his head. "No, I should have been there like I promised! I told Gabby I would call back whenever she paged! I told her I would do it...but instead I made a huge mistake."

Renata's face softened as his grew deeper into a dark grimness. "Oh Doctor, I know what you have done. I know it all. You don't have to be ashamed. It was a decision that pushed you to the edge. Everyone has that moment."

"You would never," the Doctor said with the utmost certainty. It brought new tears to his eyes. Renata would never make such a terrible decision that would break all the rules their people stood by. He was never going to reach her level; he never had. He started below her and he would never be good enough for her.

Renata knew every thought of his right now and there was such a determination to prove him wrong, it shocked her...but it didn't deter her. "I'm not a proper Time Lady, Doctor. I have made my own choices that aren't becoming of our people."

"You?" the Doctor almost laughed at the idea, but Renata was quite serious.

"Yes." Renata nervously licked her lips before she continued. "I've been afraid of telling you this for a while, Doctor. It's one of my most shameful secrets, but you deserve to know that I'm not as proper and classy as you think I am. At the end of my time in the Time War, I was brought into the High Council. Word had spread that you had stolen the Moment." Once more, the Doctor's head fell in shame. "And my sister had formed a plan. The Assessor had disclosed my affair with you to the Council and they theorized that I could get you to stop from using it."

"But you never came…" the Doctor only raised his head to give her a puzzled look. His memories were a bit fuzzy in that life but he knew exactly what he did in the end.

"I didn't," Renata agreed with fresh tears glistening in her eyes. "The Assessor made an offer to me. 'Find the Doctor, take the Moment back and the High Council will grant you a new regeneration cycle'."

The Doctor's eyes widened. The High Council was always strict about their regeneration cycle. Twelve and no more. Once your number was up, your number was up. There was no getting around it unless there was a really good reason behind it, but even those were rare.

"But I convinced them to give me the new cycle first," Renata went on. Now it was her gaze that was slowly falling. "I told them that I would find you and that I would take the Moment back...but I needed the new cycle first. I only had 2 left. One left," she added for her current state. "And so they did. I was granted a whole new regeneration cycle and I was sent on my way to find you with the promise that I wouldn't let Gallifrey be destroyed."

"But you never…" the Doctor whispered and trailed off when Renata sniffled.

"I lied to them. I was so angry with them all. They plunged our planet into bloody war where I lost my entire family. I had lost my parents, Elek...my unborn child. I lost everything and nobody up in the high ranks seemed to care." A deep, still raw, fury rippled through Renata as if those events had just happened yesterday. It made her body shake from such a feeling that the Doctor had to grip her hands already around his. She exhaled deeply and found courage to look at him. "I wanted them to pay. And I wanted my sister to pay for what she did to us. So I took the new cycle and I ran away. I escaped and I let you do what you did. So you see, Doctor? I'm not proper, I don't follow all the rules. I've made my own terrible choice. You don't dare be ashamed with me because I don't care. I know who you are and nothing has changed."

The Doctor was stunned, astonished even, to hear such a story and that Renata was the protagonist of it. He studied her sweet nature, a nature that had turn slightly less grim than her last incarnation, and simply couldn't see her doing it. "You…?"

Renata nodded her head. "Oh yeah. Lied straight to their faces. I took what I thought I was owed and I ran."

"Do you regret it?"

Renata raised her eyebrows. "I regret lying to my sister but I don't regret taking the extra cycle. I never got to live. The irony is that even with the extra cycle, I still don't know how to live." She wouldn't get lost in that right now, though, not when she knew what was at stake. "So," she straightened up in her spot, "I know the Master's around here. We should find him."

"How do you know?" the Doctor asked then realized he had no idea how she even got to Earth without the TARDIS. "And how did you get here?"

A secret smile spread across Renata's face. "Somebody brought me. He told me everything that was going on. That's why I understand you couldn't return Gabriella's call."

"You're not going to tell me how you got here, are you?" the Doctor knew the answer from that wide, almost teasing, smile on her face. It was a rare sight because Renata never teased...at least not in her last life. Previous life. He swallowed hard.

"It's fine, Doctor," Renata told him again.

"Where's Gabby?"

"I left her with Zhe. If the Master truly is here and something is going wrong with Time then I wanted Gabriella to be far away from here." Renata briefly gazed at the menu in front of her and lamented that they wouldn't be able to order. "You know, I think this body is going to really like pancakes. I've never had them while I was hiding on Earth. Pancakes. Hopefully later." She slid out of the booth then held a hand out for the Doctor. He was practically in awe of her more carefree demeanor. His stunned face made her chuckle. "I know, I'm surprised myself," she said as she grabbed his closest hand and gently made him slide out of the booth.

They left the cafe hand in hand and since they had no TARDIS to get around, they settled for walking. They followed their senses to find the Master and it eventually brought them into a warehouse of some sort. It was near the dumpsite, something that made them wonder why the Master would choose such an...interesting site to reside in. He was, after all, Harold Saxon at one point.

"My nose is definitely more sensitive now," Renata crinkled her nose as they crossed further towards the warehouse. There were piles of trash and of course, being the Doctor, he had climbed the biggest one he could find. Renata sighed and watched him take a spot at the top. "Do you see…?" but she trailed off when she got a specific type of tingle.

He was near.

Renata whipped her head to the left and saw a figure coming towards them. He wore a hoodie but with the hood down. For a few seconds, the Master didn't acknowledge Renata's presence. Instead, he fired an electric beam of energy towards the Doctor, but missed.

"Stop that!" Renata yelled in outrage. They hadn't even been in the same spot for a minute when already there was a fight.

The Doctor rushed down the pile of dirt, thinking Renata would be the next target but the Master was solely focused on him for the time being. Again he shot and this time the Doctor took the blow against the chest.

"Doctor!" Renata exclaimed and dashed to help him off the ground.

The Master then sent a wave of energy at her, purposely missing so that it would only force her into a skidded stop. "Always coming to save him, aren't you?" Renata's face was a deep scowl and it was a shame it was already learning the marks considering it was only hours new. "New face," the Master remarked, barely giving her a look. "What? You thought going younger might do something for him?" his nod at the Doctor evoked a pure hatred from Renata.

"You're maniacal."

"And you're a cheater."

Renata felt anger bubble inside of her, making her fingers twitch, but it wasn't the normal type of anger she would get. It made her feel kind of sick, actually, like something was swirling inside her stomach.

The Master was satisfied with her silent reaction and so he turned for the Doctor on the ground. The latter was attempting to stand but that energy was stronger than he thought.

"Your resurrection went wrong," he strained to say. "That energy... Your body's ripped open. Now you're killing yourself."

But the Master didn't look very concerned with his situation. He turned towards the sight of the city and grinned. "And that's human Christmas out there. They eat so much. All that roasting meat, cakes and red wine! Hot, fat, blood food!" Renata grimaced at his frantic, spitting description. "Pots, plates of meat and flesh and grease and juice. And baking, burnt, sticky hot skin. Hot! It's so hot!"

"Oh my God, stop!" Renata yelled, demanded, but the Master seemed to be on automatic. The words kept coming out.

"It's mine! It's mine! It's mine! It's mine! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! Eat it!" the Master sucked in a sharp breath and that seemed to get him some control back.

"What if we ask you for help?" the Doctor knew with that question he would at least buy them 30 seconds of his attention. Of course he didn't see Renata's reluctant expression over his decision. "There's more at work tonight than you and us."

'Are you sure asking him to help us is a good idea?'

The Doctor flinched when he heard Renata's soft voice in his head. He couldn't help but shoot her his stunned look. She could understand his reaction, given her behavior in the past when it came to this precise ability, but the situation called for it.

'We're in trouble, Doctor. I will not stand in the way because I don't want you to peek into my mind. You know me now and all my secrets. There's nothing left to hide.' Renata was at peace with that, and she could only wait for the Doctor to fully grasp the fact she'd lied about being 'proper'. They would have to discuss that later when everything was over.

The Doctor gave her a nod then returned to the conversation with the Master. "I've been told something is returning."

The Master raised his arms to present himself. "And here I am!"

"No, it was something more."

That was a disappointment. The Master's arms dropped but his hands soon found his head after a particular jab of pain struck him. "But it hurts."

"I was told the end of time…"

"It hurts, Doctor, the noise...the noise in my head, Doctor!" the Master bobbed his head at a tune that only he could hear. "One, two, three, four, one, two, three, four,

stronger than ever before! Can't you hear it?"

"We really can't," Renata said quietly from her spot. Even though the Master was crazy, she always believed him about the drums in his head. There was no way anyone could fake that type of insanity.

"Just listen!" the Master practically barked at them for silence. "Listen, listen! Every minute, every second, every beat of my hearts, there it is...calling to me. Please, listen!"

"We can't hear it," the Doctor told him.

The Master groaned in frustration and stalked towards the Doctor, ignoring Renata's cry for him to stop. He grabbed the Doctor's head and pressed their foreheads together. For a split second there, the Doctor heard the famous drums drumming away...nonstop.

He shoved the Master away with a face of horror. "But that's…!"

"You heard it?" Renata blinked at the Doctor, wondering if perhaps the Master had tampered with his mind.

'No, it was there,' the Doctor promised her, his eyes still glued to the Master. 'He truly does hear something.'

Well, that changed things. Renata took a stride towards the two men and pulled the Master to her. "There can't actually be a noise in your head so-so…" she couldn't begin to comprehend the layers that went behind that 'noise'. She was flabbergasted and it showed on her face. "What is inside your head, then?"

The Master pulled his arm out of his grip to laugh as if he'd finally won something. "It's real! It's real! It's REAL!" he suddenly launched himself into the sky, as if it were that easy, and landed at the top of a pile of dirt and rock. "All these years, you thought I was mad. King of the wasteland. But something is calling me, Doctor, what is it? What is it? What is it?"

"If we knew, you wouldn't be up there!" frowned Renata. "Now get down!"

They were suddenly taken over by the whirring blades of a helicopter coming towards them. A beam of light struck down over the Master, then the Doctor and then Renata. Two ropes swung down the air, allowing for two men to rappel down. Between them, they tranquilized the Master and hoisted him up.

"No, stop!" the Doctor dashed for the pile, as if he would ever catch them in time.

Two other soldiers appeared in the area, one of them forcing Renata to put her hands up while the other started firing at the Doctor. The Master was taken before the Doctor ever reached him, but even then somebody got the idea to smack him unconscious.

"If you hit me with that I swear to God you'll regret it," Renata pointed a warning finger at the soldier holding the gun on her. The soldier didn't appear that intimidated, but they did leave her be.

When she could, Renata rushed to the Doctor's side. She called his name twice before seeing the mark of the smack on the left side of his face. It was deep enough to keep him out for a decent amount of time.

~ 0 ~

By the time the Doctor came to, it was nearly dawn. But the strangest thing was that he wasn't even outside. He was inside the TARDIS, his body unceremoniously sprawled over the Captain's chair.

"What the—" he gave a jump and nearly fell to the floor.

"Please don't hurt yourself," Renata poked her head around the console. "It took me a good deal to drag you to that chair. You're heavier than you look."

The Doctor briefly paused to shoot her a mock-glare. "Thanks." He straightened himself up a minute afterwards and brought a hand to his head, precisely over the spot he'd been smacked.

"Yeah, I wouldn't touch that," Renata said after catching him wince. "They got you really good, not that I'm complimenting the enemy. That's what you do." For the second time, the Doctor mock-glared at her. "Sorry," Renata bit her lip and awkwardly smiled at him.

"How'd you find the TARDIS?" he asked after realizing she had to have gone off in the night to find the box while he'd been unconscious.

"With enormous difficulty," Renata leaned her body forwards on the console and sighed. She had to wander through the streets, following her senses to find the TARDIS and it involved a certain degree of thinking like the Doctor. She came to the conclusion that she wasn't meant to think like the Doctor.

"You didn't think to check my mind for the location?"

"That's rude," she said matter-of-factly.

So, not everything had changed in her. She was still cautious about rules. The Doctor strode to her side and gazed at the monitor she'd been working at. "How long has it been?"

"It's nearly morning and I've got nothing," Renata admitted with frustration. "Whoever took him knows exactly how to hide his, well, Time Lord sense. I couldn't do it and the TARDIS couldn't do it. What else can we do?"

The Doctor considered every last option they had which, honestly, wasn't a lot. Although, there was one option he bet Renata hadn't thought about. He wouldn't have thought about it either because it was a minuscule thing, so small that Renata wouldn't consider it important.

"I've got one idea," he said and prepared the console for their next destination.

~ 0 ~

"This was your idea?" Renata had her arms folded and one of her feet was tapping against the cement. They stood just across the street from Donna's house, waiting for Wilf to come out.

"He's got to be involved," the Doctor insisted but Renata scoffed so deeply that it actually made him wince. She also retained the same - if not stronger - scolding voice too.

"He is a human who just got lucky!"

"Exactly. How many humans can get lucky finding me?"

"Well I found you twice and I wasn't very happy about it." Renata kept her eyes locked on Donna's house in case Donna might pop out and they had to hide. The Doctor, on his part, glared at her again. So this incarnation had more tongue. Something to look forward to.

Eventually, Wilf came out of the house but he crossed the street in a rush. "Listen, you can't park there, what if Donna sees it?"

"So she is in the house?" Renata shot the Doctor another disapproving look. "See? It's much too dangerous."

"Oh give me a break, you talked to her!" went the Time Lord.

"Yeah, with a new face and for like 2 minutes! That was all I was ever going to get!"

"Listen!" Wilf spoke over the two before things got more heated. "You really can't be here! Can't you move that thing?"

The Doctor shook his head at Renata and turned to Wilf, getting straight to the reason they were there. "You're the only one, Wilf. The only connection I can think of. You're involved. If I could work out how. Tell me, have you seen anything? I don't know. Anything strange, anything odd?" Wilf made a face initially, ready to say 'no' when something popped into his head. "What, what is it?" the Doctor caught onto his expression fast. He'd been right. "Tell us!"

"I mean, it could be nothing…" Wilf said, for a second believing he was being ridiculous. How could a book be important?

"Think, think, think! Maybe something out of the blue. Connected to your life, something!"

"Alright, Donna was a bit strange. She had a funny little moment, this morning, all because of that book."

"What book?"

Wilf said nothing and instead hurried back towards the house.

"See? Told you!" the Doctor smugly smirked at Renata who groaned in return.

"You're ridiculous!" she went after Wilf instead.

The Doctor followed her and while Wilf went inside the house, the two Time Lords moved towards the back to wait for him. When the man returned, he held a book in his hand.

"Here you are, his name's Joshua Naismith!" Wilf pointed to the dark-skinned man on the front cover of the book.

"That's the man!" the Doctor exclaimed. "I was shown him, by the Ood."

"By the what?" Wilf asked, no hope of understanding that bit.

Renata took the book from Wilf's hands and examined the front cover. Joshua Smith certainly seemed human. She checked for the summary on the back and scowled. "Why would a human billionaire be important to this all of a sudden?"

"This is all part of the convergence, maybe…" the Doctor said, mildly lost in thoughts. "Maybe touching Donna's subconscious. Oh, she's still fighting for us, even now. The Doctor-Donna!"

A warm smile came to Renata's face, albeit sad in the end. "I miss her." Before the Doctor could say he did too, Sylvia emerged from the backdoor and nearly yelped at the sight of the pair.

"Get out of here!"

"Well, that's not a way to greet visitors," Renata lowered the book in her arms then frowned at Sylvia.

"She can't see you!"

"And a Merry Christmas to you," the Doctor sighed.

"Mum, where are those tweezers?" Donna's voice froze the group outside. It was as if the fact they froze would keep Donna from spotting them.

"Go!" Sylvia hissed at the pair.

"Yeah, alright, we're going," the Doctor grabbed Renata's arm and pulled them towards the street.

"Yeah, me, too!" Wilf declared and rushed after the pair, completely ignoring his daughter's hiss for her to stay where he was. In fact, it just made him run faster.

"Dad, I'm warning you!" Sylvia was hot on his trail when they were near the sidewalk.

"Bye, see you later!"

"Stay right where you are!"

The Doctor hurriedly unlocked the TARDIS. He wasn't in the mood to deal with Sylvia's personality, and he assumed neither was Renata. But he stopped when he heard Wilf's goodbye to Sylvia. "You can't come with us!"

"You're not leaving me with her!" Wilf responded, sounding more like a warning. He gave a nod to Sylvia who was yelling and coming towards them.

"Fair enough," the Doctor relented.

"Oh get in!" Renata pushed him in first then ushered Wilf after. "And you—" she called over to Sylvia, "—better be nice to Donna! My threat still stands!" She then went into the TARDIS, leaving behind the screaming human.

~ 0 ~

The TARDIS eventually materialized in the mansion of Joshua, in a lab room. The Doctor walked out of the TARDIS with Wilf in tow. He only made it three steps from the TARDIS when Renata called for him to stop.

"Hey! You can't just walk out of the TARDIS without a plan!"

The Doctor turned around, not exactly surprised she had also kept that trait in this new incarnation. "I do have a plan," he argued but she scoffed loudly. "I do."

"Yeah, what is it?"

The Doctor shifted a bit and caught Wilf's amused stare. "We...are going to find the Master! There! That's the plan!" Renata huffed and crossed her arms. The Doctor pulled out a remote to lock the TARDIS completely. "Just a second out of sync. Don't want the Master finding the TARDIS, that's the last thing we need. Now c'mon!"

He led the way out of the room kept to the walls of the hallways until they could make their way outside. The mansion turned out to be an incredibly huge manor with multiple buildings in the property. They had to be careful while they came close to an archway but they were almost caught by two armed guards.

"That book said he's a billionaire. He's got his own private army," Wilf remarked after Renata's gawked expression.

"Down here," the Doctor used his sonic on a small door nearby to go into before the guards could catch them.

"I don't suppose you know where this is going to lead?" Renata asked as they crept down the hallway towards the only source of light.

"Uh, no, I do not," the Doctor shrugged. "But I thought it was better than being caught by the armed guards.

Renata would give him that.

As the trio neared the room they began to hear two voices of presumed employees. Before walking straight in, the Doctor did his due diligence - something Renata truly appreciated given the fact they had Wilf with them - and spotted a man and woman discussing over a particular device set up against a wall.

"Nice gate!" the Doctor startled the pair as he walked on in. "Look, sorry, don't call security, or I'll tell them you're wearing a Shimmer. Cos I reckon anyone wearing a Shimmer doesn't want the Shimmer to be noticed or they wouldn't need a Shimmer in the first place."

The woman chuckled nervously as she glanced at her co-worker. "I'm sorry, what's a Shimmer?"

"For a second, pretend we're not stupid," Renata said flatly. She would've been nice if they weren't on crunch time. The Master was somewhere in the building and these humans actually thought he was their prisoner. The Master was no one's prisoner. But the two technicians continued with the charade.

The woman, who went by Addams, laughed. "I'm sorry, what's a Shimmer?"

With a straight face, Renata raised her sonic screwdriver (her dress had pockets!) at the woman and dismantled the disguise. She was a green woman with small spikes sticking out from her head. It gave Wilf a gasp. The Doctor was more stunned with the fact Renata had done that.

'The Master is on the loose. I will not let him hurt people again.' Renata said without making the smallest of expressions on her face. 'I will apologize later.'

Now that sounded like her. The Doctor put away his smile after a moment and got Addams to disclose everything they had on Joshua and his experiments. He and Renata surfed through their recent results but as much as they studied, they couldn't understand what this huge project was about.

"What are you doing!?" cried a man as he walked into the room to find the intruders.

This time it was the Doctor who took the disguise off and left another green skinned humanoid in its place. "Shimm-err!" Renata struggled hiding her smile. "Now tell me, quickly, what's going on, the Master, Harold Saxon? Skeletor, whatever you're calling him, what's he doing up there?"

The man, Rossiter, helplessly glanced at Addams for some type of explanation. She was beyond trying to stop them. "But I checked the readings. He's done good work. It's operational!"

"Yeah but that doesn't mean it'll do whatever you think it'll do," Renata turned around and looked him and Addams over. "And I'm sorry but who are you? We met another you but, uh, he was a bit small and quite red."

Addams seemed displeased by the comparison. "No, that's a Zocci!"

"We're not Zocci, we're Vinvocci! Completely different!" the male Vinvocci exclaimed, sounding just as offended as his co-worker.

"Alright, sorry," Renata raised her hands over her chest to show she truly had meant no offence.

"And the Gate is Vinvocci. We're a salvage team!" Addams explained before they got any ideas that they were also intruding. "We picked up the signal when the humans reactivated it, and as soon as it's working, we can transport it to the ship."

"But what does it do?" the Doctor frantically waved a hand for them to start explaining the useful stuff.

"Well, it mends, it's a simple as that. It's a medical device to repair the body. It makes people better!"

"No that won't do," Renata shook her head, confusing the two Vinvocci for a second. "The Master would never help fix a machine meant to heal people."

The Doctor agreed. "There's got to be more. Every single warning says the Master's going to do something colossal." He needed to figure it out before the machine was actually used.

"So that thing's like a sickbed, yes?" Wilf asked just to make sure he wasn't completely lost. He was still trying to get over the two cacti people.

"More or less," Addams said.

"Well, pardon me for asking, but why is it so big?"

"Oh, good question," Renata gave him credit where it was due. "Why is it so big?" She frowned when Addams scoffed at the condescendingly, as if they were neanderthals compared to them.

"It doesn't just mend one person at a time!"

Rossiter scoffed along with Addams. "That would be ridiculous!"

"It mends whole planets!"

That revation froze Renata and the Doctor. They simultaneously stared at the Vinvocci, not that their expressions would do anything for them.

"Yeah that'll do it," Renata gave a nod afterwards. That would definitely get the Master's attention.

"It transmits the medical template across the entire population," Addams thought simplifying it further would get the two aliens to stop staring at her so wide-eyed. They looked like the bugs this planet had, the ones that buzzed so much. "What?" she asked when the two still hadn't taken their eyes off her.

The Doctor suddenly bolted from the room.

"What's going on!?" Addams called out but he was too far gone to even hear her.

"The Master, that's what," Renata sighed before breaking into a quick run herself.

The Doctor was good at what he did best, but not even his speedy legs could get him to the main room on time. The Gate was full on running and despite the Doctor's insistence to turn it off, nobody would listen to him. In fact, all he got were rifles aimed at him.

"No, no, no, no. Whatever you do, just don't let him near that device!" the Doctor desperately looked at the Master at the side of the room. The straight jacket on him meant nothing.

The Master seemed to agree with the Doctor's thoughts because he smirked. "Oh, like that was ever gonna happen." He destroyed the straightjacket with a burst of energy then leaped into the Gate with a scream. It forced everyone away out of sheer fear. "Homeless, was I? Destitute and dying? Well, look at me now!"

"Get out of there right now!" Renata ordered as soon as she ran inside. She was out of breath, more so than her last body but to be fair it had been mere hours since she regenerated. Her body strength wasn't entirely back yet.

"Deactivate it. All of you, turn the whole thing off!" the Doctor ordered in vain again. Everyone just stood there.

"God, humans are so frustrating!" Renata exclaimed at everyone. The Doctor started to realize it wasn't so much that they weren't listening but that they couldn't.

"He's...inside my head," Naismith said, frantically rubbing the side of his face.

"Get out of there!" the Doctor snapped at the Master and was shot back in retaliation with an energy bolt.

"Uh, Doctor? Renata?" Wilf came into the room with a stumble. "There's this face…"

"What is it!?" the Doctor rushed to the man as a last resort. He and Renata weren't being affected by whatever the Master had done to the Gate. "What can you see!?"

Wilf shook his head like everyone else was, as if that would shake whatever inside. "Well, it's him. I can see him! I can see his face."

Renata noticed the television was on and whoever it was currently giving a speech seemed to be under the same situation. "Is that - is that the President of the United States!?"

The Doctor ran past her towards the gate to try and shut it all down but the Master had thought well ahead.

"I locked it you idiot!"

The Doctor knew it was useless so be did what he could. He ran back to Wilf and ran towards the booths, grabbing Renata along the way.

"What!?" Renata cried as she'd nearly fell on her own feet from such a sudden pull.

The Doctor pushed Wilf into one of the booths and then pulled Renata with him into the second booth mirroring Wilf's. "I just need to filter the levels so it won't affect us!"

"Could've said something instead of just yanking me away for the ride!" Renata huffed and assisted with the shields.

"Bit in a rush!" He exclaimed.

"Oh! I can see again. He's gone!" Wilf blinked rapidly out of relief. His mind was clear of that maniacal man!

"Radiation shielding. Now, press the button, let us out!" the Doctor pointed to the control pad on Wilf's side. Of course the human didn't understand at the first instruction.

"You what?"

"We can't get out until you press the button, that button there!"

"Oh, okay!" Wilf pressed the button the Doctor pointed to and allowed the two aliens to get out.

"50 seconds and counting!" the Master laughed deliriously at his grand plan.

"To what?" Renata demanded to know but he laughed.

"Ohhh, you're gonna love this!"

The Doctor once again went for the Gate in a last attempt to shut it down. For a moment, Renata wondered if putting a good smack against the Master's head might do some good.

You're not a child, she berated herself. No, she wasn't. She rushed to help the Doctor again, thinking maybe between the two they could come up with a quick solution. Neither of them noticed Wilf accidentally pulling out his revolver while he meant to take his ringing cell phone out.

It was Donna calling, at first, frantic that everyone was acting weird. It both shocking and relieving to learn that she wasn't being affected. Soon after, a friend of Wilf's called saying the same thing.

"What is it? Hypnotism?" the Doctor asked, though Renata wasn't sure if he was asking her or himself. Either way, neither of them knew the answer. "Mind control? You're grafting your thoughts inside them, is that it?"

The Master shook his head condescendingly. Oh, he couldn't wait for them to figure it out because by then it would be too late. Well, he might as well give them the answer. It might be more fun that way. "Oh, that's way too easy. No, no, no, they're not gonna think like me. They're gonna become me. A-a-a-and, zero!" Right at his command a wave of energy burst from the Gate and made its way around the entire globe.

It was then that they realized what the Gate would truly be. Every single human was turning into the Master.

"Doctor! Renata! She's starting to remember, Donna!" Wilf cried from behind. He turned a glare on the Master. "What is it? What have you done, you monster?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, are you talking to me?" the Master, the original, gestured at himself before gesturing to the other versions of himself in the room. "Or to me?"

"Or to me?" a second Master asked, followed by another, and then another. And then another.

'Breaking news - I'm everyone. And everyone in the world is me!' Even a reporter on television joined in.

Renata felt her head spinning. One Master was more than the universe could handle. She was stunned, and terrified. Very, very terrified.

The Master walked across the floor with his duplicates standing behind him. "The human race was always your favorite, Doctor. But now, there is no human race. There is only... the Master race."

Renata had the good sense to back up as if that would make a difference. She didn't know when it happened but her hand had found the Doctor's in the midst of their horror. He didn't even realize it either.

Everywhere around them the Master laughed thinking his victory was certain, if only he knew the greater work that was being planned ahead…

…or in the past.

~ 0 ~

Doomsday was coming for Gallifrey. The once mighty planet was now crumbling to its last pieces. The citadel barely had any glass in place thanks to the ongoing firing from both sides. Most of its buildings were down or currently smoking from put out fires. There was barely anything left, including hope. But, just because there was barely anything left didn't mean it was over. Lord President Rassilon would never submit to such a travesty.

He sat at the head of a long table in the Council's chamber room. One hand held a long staff while the other hand was covered in an ornate gauntlet. "What news of the Doctor?" he demanded from the other Time Lords in the room.

"Disappeared, my Lord President," one Time Lord answered with a bowed head. It was no secret what that meant.

"But we know his intention," spoke a Time Lady, this one with a head held high. She had a sharpness in her dark, space-like, eyes that would typically scare the others, for when they saw sharpness it meant there would be consequences. "He still possesses the Moment and he'll use it to destroy Daleks and Time Lords alike. The Visionary confirms it."

Rassilon said nothing in the beginning as he focused on the old woman at the other end of the table. She was the only one not subjected to his terrible mood. Right now, she was part of the solution. Her straggly, gray hair covered most of her tattooed arms and face. She wrote fervently on a sheets of papers sprawled around her.

"Ending, burning, falling, all of it falling, the black and pitch and screaming fire, so burning," the Visionary rambled to herself as if she was the only person in the room, perhaps the world.

"All of her prophecies say the same, that this is the last day of the Time War, that Gallifrey falls, that we die, today," the first Time Lord from before spike up again. Before he could say more, the Visionary entered a loop of one word that backed the conversation.

"Ending... Ending. Ending. Ending!"

"Perhaps it's time," said a second Time Lady, this one seeming a bit more nervous than the other and yet she was struggling to keep it at bay. The first Time Lady was staring at her with beedy eyes, but the second Time Lady went on. "This is only the furthest edge of the Time War. But at its heart, millions die every second, lost in bloodlust and insanity. With time itself resurrecting them, to find new ways of dying, over and over again, a travesty of life. Isn't it better to end it, at last?"

The second Time Lady cocked her head to the side, her expression cold and calculating. What a fool. She had no idea what she was saying and much less to who. Their Lord President would never allow for them to die. Gallifrey could not and would not fall. They would survive because they would, because she had the perfect way. That's what she always did, she found solutions to problems. She found the best ones and kept other opinions and suggestions - like the one they just heard - out of the public's ears. She wasn't the Assessor for nothing.

"Thank you for your opinion." Rassilon rose from his chair, turning sideways to the second Time Lady. His expression bore no emotions but what he did next wasn't surprising. With his gauntlet-covered hand, he disintegrated the Time Lady with one hit of energy. Nobody flinched when the woman screamed into oblivion, but they did when Rassilon yelled. "I will not die! Do you hear me?! A billion years of Time Lord history riding on our backs. I will not let this perish. I will not!"

"My Lord," the Assessor stepped forwards, letting her hands reside in front of her, "I do have another solution." Her lips quirked only slightly when Rassilon gave her the attention. He always did. Her reputation preceded her. The Assessor was known for her logical, calculating solutions that had often brought them the best results. She was first and foremost professional, even when it was impossible to be. Not even the loss of her parents and her own husband months ago knocked her off. She kept going because that's what needed to be done. That's what was expected of her. And she always did what was expected of her.

"My sister, Renata, could help capture the Doctor before he uses the Moment. She could convince him not to use it."

However pleasing that sounded, Rassilon could not fully believe that one woman was smart enough to outwit the Doctor. "Explain yourself at once, Assessor."

The Assessor nodded, though she would struggle explaining the story given the contents of it. It was something she forced her mind to erase over the centuries but now was the time to bring it all back for their salvation. "Forgive me my Lord, for this is...an embarrassment to my family. Centuries ago, before the Doctor and my sister were each married, they had a relationship. I don't know how long it had been but when I caught them, I forbade it." Her darkness settled nicely over her tone, as if she used it constantly...and perhaps she did. Her eyes still turned ice cold whenever she thought of that horrifying period in their lives. How her sister could have done such an atrocity to their family was still beyond her now. "But I suspect that Renata never truly moved on. I suspect the same from the Doctor. If we shall do one more thing may I suggest we use this as a strategy?. Who else to convince him than someone he could never reject?"

"You are sure this could work?" Rassilon questioned.

"It was known that the Doctor's family has since been deceased. There is no one left, only my sister. Her word would carry an immense weight."

Rassilon remained silent for a few minutes. There was no telling what he would decide on. Ultimately, he gave a nod. "Bring her in. Find her and bring her here now."

"Of course," the Assessor bowed her head and hurried out of the room in a purposeful stride.

"My Lord," the first male Time Lord Lord up after the Assessor had gone. like everyone else, he didn't doubt that the Assessor knew what she was doing - her previous doings had given her a high standing reputation amongst their people - but the Time Lord felt like this was something that needed to be addressed. It could be part of their saving. He grabbed one of the Visionary's scrolls and brought it to Rassilon. "There is one part of the prophecy. Forgive me. I'm sorry. It's rather difficult to decipher. But it talks of three survivors, beyond the Final Day, two children of Gallifrey and one child of the Vortex."

Had Rassilon been human, the snap 'excuse me?' might have come out of his mouth. He did a double take at the Time Lord in front of him. "Child of the...Vortex?"

The Time Lord swallowed hard as he nodded. He assumed he was about 2 seconds away from being disintegrated. "Y-yes, my Lord." The symbol, albeit surrounded by incoherent scribbles, was quite clear. Everyone knew the symbol of the Vortex and there it was. However he did denote another symbol, one that took a moment of study, that did make things just a bit more credible. "The Visionary drew a-a...I believe humans call it a butterfly."

Rassilon all but snatched the scroll from the Time Lord's hands. He needed to see for himself but even as he confirmed the Time Lord's words, he didn't understand it. And that wouldn't do. "Names. I want names." He chucked the scroll back to the Time Lord who scrambled to catch it.

His hands shook as he hurriedly searched for the names on the scroll. "It, uh, it foresees them locked in their final confrontation, the enmity of ages, which would suggest…"

Rassilon understood that part perfectly. Everyone knew it. "The Doctor! And the Master. And the third? Who is the third?"

"A-A, uh, a…" the Time Lord scanned the scroll as best as he could, "A daughter. The Vortex Butterfly."

Rassilon glared at the man before him. That made absolutely no sense. His gauntlet may have raised halfway, prompting the Time Lord to quickly add more.

"Renata! Time Lady Renata! She-she merged with the Vortex! The butterflies are part of a human's mind - imagination - and together they were turned into new creatures."

The confusion washed off Rassilon's face to be replaced by utter disgust. Behind him, the rest of the Council exchanged confused glances. Humans were known to be quite simple and primitive. They never questioned the Doctor's fascination with that race on account of his own odd behaviors, but everyone knew Renata was a proper Time Lady. She belonged to a noble family, a family that was well respected for always being the prime example of what was expected of a Time Lord. Though she ran a questionable charity foundation, after she married she went on to become one of the most respectable Time Ladies of Gallifrey.

And now they heard she had merged with a human's mind and created herself anew? That couldn't be.

"But one word keeps being repeated, my Lord, one constant word. Earth," the Time Lord finished just so that he wouldn't be directly under Rassilon's eyes. If he was to be furious let it be with those at fault.

The Visionary gasped at the mention of the blue planet. Her head snapped up, revealing her widened eyes. "Earth. Earth. Earth! Earth! Earth...!"

Rassilon knew not what their clear plan was, but all things pointed to the primitive planet. So be it. "Maybe that's where the answer lies. Our salvation on Earth."

#ocappreciation #doctor who #10th doctor #dw fics #10th doctor fics #dw imagine #10th doctor imagine #doctor who fics #doctor who imagines #oc: Renata Cartwright #fic: the beginning of everything #new faceclaim alert!!!

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alicedoessurveys · 4 years ago

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Doctor Who Tag

yes im a nerd...

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

I was 10 when it came back on telly with Eccleston and the first episode with the autons scared me so much my mom wouldn't let me watch it again until a couple years later, but yeah my teens I was obsessed with DW... still am at age 25

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

‘Rose’

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I still have the eleventh doctor’s screwdriver... I used to have some of the figures but there in storage now somewhere

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

didn't play it on the playground

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

all of them! the ones that still scare me now are the Cybermen and the Autons... genuinely cant walk past a shop mannequin without being suspicious

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

as a kid, any of the innuendo type jokes

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

idk I think I still have the same opinions

9. Who introduced you to DW?

parents

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

I LOVED SJA!! I miss that show, and Elizabeth Slade :(

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

Ten was the doctor that made me fall in love with Doctor Who

12. Your favourite Doctor?

omg why not just ask me who my favourite child is... (I don't have kids but you know what I mean) if I had to chose my top three are ten, eleven and thirteen

13. Least favourite Doctor?

purely just because he doesn't have enough episodes... nine...

14. Best regeneration?

none of them I hate regenerations :( they make me sad, im too emotionally invested in every single one

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

they're not my faves

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

I think nine maybe? or twelve?

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

the 50th anniversary special

18. Best Doctor monologue?

“Hello Stonehenge! who takes the pandorica, takes the universe. but bad news everyone, cause guess who? HA! You lot you're all whizzing about- its really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I AM TALKING. Question of the hour is, who's got the pandorica? Answer, I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on, look at me! No plan. No backup. No weapons worth a damn. oh and something else, I don't have anything to lose. So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the pandorica tonight... just remember who's standing in your way. remember ever black day I ever stopped you and then- AND THEN- do the smart thing... let somebody else try first.”

not copied and pasted, remember that from the top of my head... its always there waiting in my mind incase I ever need an epic monologue :’)

19, What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

hopefully living his best life with Rose

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

ten and donna

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Donna, Clara, Amy

22. Favourite secondary companion?

is Mickey classed as secondary? idk

23. Least favourite companion?

Ryan

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Doctor, Amy and Rory

25. Most underrated companion?

Graham, but that may just be cause I love Bradders

26. Most overrated companion?

Rose... I like her but idk, I think she gets more hype than she deserves.. don't @ me

27. Favourite companion’s family?

Rose’s mom

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

idk I cant think of anyone

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy and Rory

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

wasn't keen on Bill at first but by the end I really liked her, same with Rory

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

girl in the fireplace

32. Least favourite episode?

most of Chibnall’s episodes tbh sorry not sorry

33. Which episodes do you skip?

the regeneration episodes

34. Best two-parter?

Human Nature - Family of Blood

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

I like them all in there own way but I think present is fave, then historical, then future

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

all of them

37. Episode that will always make you cry?

Rory and Amy’s last episode :’(

38. Best run of episodes?

ugh I cant answer this theres too many

39. Best cliffhanger?

the end of Spyfall part one when the Master reveals who he is... I was SHOOK

40. Favourite Christmas special?

Voyage of the Damned

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

new who

42. Favourite series?

four or five

43. Least favourite series?

eleven, I just cant with the writing

44. Which series do you skip?

none

45. Favourite series opening?

eleventh hour

46. Favourite series finale?

Doomsday

47. Best series arc?

Bad Wolf

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I adore Jodie Whittaker and her doctor, and although I think 3 companions is too many I do love Yaz and Graham (Ryan is hit & miss). I just think theyve been massively let down by the stories/writing... they’ve tried to hard to tick certain boxes and completely missed what Doctor Who is about for a lot of people.. an escape from the real world into these outrageous unbelievable but lovable fun alien adventures

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

not a lot

50. Who should have had another series?

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

the master

52. Most creative monster?

Weeping Angels, whoever came up with monsters that look like statues and only move when you're not looking at them is genius

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

Autons, Cybermen, the creepy dolls from Night Terrors, the ones from Waters of Mars, Weeping Angels

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

idk

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

absorbaloff

56. Monster you want to return?

The Master, I really hope that isn't the last we see of Dhawan

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

being genuinely scary,

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

Weeping Angels

59. Best Dalek story?

Daleks in Manhatten

60. Best one time villain/monster?

my brain has gone blank I cant think of an answer right now

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

I haven't watched it all so I couldn't say

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

again, not watched it all

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

huh

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Sarah Jane

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

K-9

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Nope

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

n/a

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

yes

DESIGN/PRODUCTION

71. Favourite piece of alien tech?

the sonic, I love how it is so multipurpose except for when it comes to wood

72. Favourite piece of Murray Gold music?

I am the Doctor - gets me pumped every time

73. Favourite TARDIS design?

Ten’s Tardis

74. Has the 2005 era CGI aged well?

actually yeah, I was rewatching the ‘are you my mummy’ episodes the other day and my God when the gas masks emerged from the faces... ooooooof I was like omg how

75. Favourite Doctor outfit?

eleven or thirteen

76. Monster with the best design?

not really a design more of a costume.. I live Dhawan master’s costume. that shade of purple, oof he so stylish

77. Best show runner?

idk

78. Best writer?

Gatiss

79. Best opening titles?

eleven’s titles where the Tardis is flying and being zapped is cool but thirteens music hits different

80. Will DW age well/stay popular in the future?

I hope so, I feel like its lasted this long surely it can last forever.. if the writers don't fuck it up...

IF YOU WERE IN THE SHOW

81. Time period you’d want to go with the Doctor?

whatever time means Id get to wear the most beautiful costumes

82. Planet/place you’d want to go with the Doctor?

Galifrey, pre-desctruction

83. Doctor you’d most like to travel with?

any of them, please and thank you

84. Companion you’d most like to travel with?

donna, sceso a good laugh but also I feel like she’d look after me

85. Monster you’d like to defeat/fight?

The Master

86. If you could go back on your own history (like Father’s Day), where would you go?

back to when I was a toddler, I wanna see what I was like

87. If you could ask the Doctor anything, what would you ask?

theres too many to ask

88. Historical figure you’d like to meet?

Shakespeare

89. How do you think you’d meet the Doctor?

id probably be rescued from doing something stupid and then the doc would be like you know what the bitch clearly needs supervision she's coming with me

90. Would you travel forwards or backwards in time first?

backwards

IF YOU MADE THE SHOW

91. Historical event would you like to see in DW?

Hamilton

92. Issue you’d like to see addressed in DW?

idk

93. Who would you completely erase from the DW universe?

Ruth

94. One unanswered DW question you’d love to know the answer to?

where is Clara now?

95. Actor/actress you’d like to see play the Doctor?

Phoebe Waller Bridge (or Lin Manuel Miranda)

96. Actor/actress you’d like to see play a companion?

Andrew Scott (yes I did just basically recast fleabag and hot priest)

97. Is DW “too political”?

series 11 got a bit like that

98. Which characters fate would you changed?

Danny Pink

99. What about DW could be improved?

I think ive made my options about Chibnall pretty clear...

100. If you could write an episode of DW, any ideas for what you’d do

bring back Jenny, the Doctor / Daughter adventures they would have. I’m actually writing a fic about it if you wanna read.... here

#doctor who #tag #doctor who tag #doctor who questions #survey

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authoressofdarkness · 5 years ago

Text

Beauty and the Beast (Chapter 3)

Notes: I'm not going to say too much because I don't want to spoil this chapter. Only thing is my fair warnings. It's DARK. Some heavy non/dub-con elements are the only real thing this chapter, though. So yeah, enjoy!

When he wakes up, he has no idea where he is.

His eyes shoot open, and he tries to sit up only to get a head rush, spots dancing over his vision. He tries to lift his hands to his face and realizes they’re bound again.

A hand clamps down on his shoulder, forcing him to lay back down. “Take it easy, silly boy. You’re still regenerating all that blood.”

“Where am I?” The words are hard to get out, but at least he feels like he has control over his mouth again. And his limbs, even if they still feel heavy.

“In bed.” Something presses against his lips. A straw. Figuring there’s nothing he could probably give him right now to make this any worse, he parts his lips enough allow it and sucks gently. Still, he’s relieved to taste that it’s just water, and once he starts, he drains the whole glass.

A few blinks later, his vision starts to clear, and he realizes Stark is leaning over him, brows drawn together above brown eyes that almost look… is that concern?

Wait, brown eyes?

He frowns and blinks again several times. No. Definitely blue. And definitely no hint of anything besides cool amusement.

Stark leans over to set the glass down, and the slight shift in the bed under him makes him refocus quickly. It suddenly occurs to him what Stark had said. He’s in bed. With Stark. In Stark’s bed?

Stark cocks his head at him, a bemused smile toying at his lips. “You know, it’s no wonder you wore a mask. You have a horrible poker face.”

Peter closes his eyes again, trying to steady himself. “I wore a mask to hide my face from you.”

“Mm…” He feels the bed shift again, and then-

Shit. He opens his eyes. Stark has rolled on top of him, the length of his body only inches away from Peter’s, held up - and Peter subsequently caged in - by the arms on either side of his shoulders. He can feel the heat radiating off of the villain’s body, and he swallows thickly.

Stark grins, almost ferally. “And what a pretty face it is. And now it’s all mine.” He brushes a finger down his jawline again.

Goosebumps rise in the wake of his finger as it trails across his throat. Something in his stomach clenches. He should keep his mouth shut. It’s not as if he hadn’t realized that Stark could literally use him for whatever he wanted. And yet… “You think so?” he manages.

Stark quirks a brow down at him, grinning. “Oh, I know so. You are mine, Spiderling. You always were. And you always will be.”

The words feel like they sink from his ears down into his chest, hot and heavy with a lot of things that he didn’t want to examine right now. Not the implications of how long Stark had been hunting for him, nor that he’d had a plan for him all along. Not that he seemed like he really wasn’t going to kill him. Not that it seemed like killing him would be a mercy that he’d be wishing for soon. Not the barely hidden promise of all the things to come.

He doesn’t allow himself to dwell on any of that. Nor does he listen to the voice inside his head warning him that he should stay quiet, that Stark is probing him for an invitation, trying to provoke him into saying something stupid, and that opening his mouth means taking the bait. He finds he just… doesn’t care.

“Prove it, Stark.”

The effect of his words is nearly instantaneous. He watches Stark’s eyes darken, even as his grin grows more feral, triumphant. “Oh, I will,” he purrs, and the pure darkness of the tone sends a warning tingle down his spine.

And then Stark’s mouth is on his, a hand moving up to his hair and threading into his curls, gripping tight enough to hurt and tugging his head back as Stark attacks his mouth, working it open. His tongue swipes over his bottom lip, hot and wet, then presses inside, tasting and dominating-

Peter bites down, shoving his bound hands into Stark’s chest at the same time. The nanotech kept him from being able to use his strength to break the bonds, but it didn’t keep him from using his strength.

Stark jerks away, cursing. He puts a hand to his mouth, chuckling darkly and shaking his head when it comes away bloody. “Cute,” he tells him dryly. Then he takes his chin, gripping it hard enough to hurt. “I knew you’d be a saucy little minx in bed. But you better watch that attitude, Parker.” He presses his thumb into his mouth before Peter can respond, pulling it open forcefully and trapping his tongue under his thumb. “Just remember, anything you think you can get away with doing to me, I can give back tenfold.” He leans down, putting his lips by Peter’s ear. “And it doesn’t have to be to you.” Then he’s kissing him again, teeth tugging on his top lip dangerously before his tongue dips back into his mouth, this time taking his sweet time tasting every inch, even smoothing over Peter’s pinned tongue and his own finger.

By the time he pulls away, Peter is desperate to breathe, mouth full of saliva that’s not entirely his own. He can taste a hint of blood from where he bit Stark’s tongue, and even as he pants and has to swallow several times around the finger still in his mouth, he can’t help feeling slightly satisfied with himself. He made Stark bleed. Just a little, but it’s still more than he ever accomplished before.

Stark pulls back slowly, almost purring as his lips and tongue drag along his chin and jaw. Peter swallows hard again, trying to regulate his breathing and focus on anything besides the wet warmth spreading along the path of Stark’s mouth as he moves down his neck.

“Umph!” A strangled cry leaves his throat before he can stop it at the sudden, sharp pain in his neck. It feels like-

Stark growls, jaw tight as he worries his teeth against Peter’s skin. Peter can’t help the choked groan that leaves him at the feeling, nor the whimper that tears from his throat when he feels Stark’s hardness brush against his leg as he releases his bite and sits up. Fuck.

Stark just chuckles at the sound. “Oh, silly little spider. I may not actually be a vampire, but you should have known I bite back.” He releases his chin, wiping his thumb across Peter’s chest. “Now. Up.” He climbs off of him, grabbing him by one of his bound arms and tugging him to his feet.

Peter gets to his feet immediately when ordered, despite the head rush it gives him. He’s definitely still regenerating blood; he knows that feeling. It’s almost a relief to feel something he recognizes, especially after… that. Whatever just happened.

Stark is half-carrying, half-dragging him to their destination, but he can’t see well enough past the spots still dancing in his vision for him to be entirely certain of where they’re going until Stark is opening a door and then a second later he’s set on something cold and hard.

One of those metal tables. They’re back in the lab.

If only he had the mental or physical capabilities to do anything about it.

But he doesn’t. And all he can do is lay there as Stark straps him down to the cold metal, looking at him thoughtfully as he steps away.

The door opens again a moment later, but Peter can’t see Stark or the newcomer from his position. A moment later, he realizes he doesn’t need to.

“Tony, whatever this is, it better be good.”

A jolt runs up his spine. No. It can’t be.

Stark chuckles from somewhere behind him. “Oh, it is good. Unerringly, annoyingly good, in fact, Doctor. But also a scientific marvel, from what I’ve already seen. But don’t take my word for it. Take a look for yourself.”

“A marvel, huh?” that familiar voice muses, and then the owner steps into view, and Peter feels his Spider sense prickle in warning at the sight.

Dr. Banner. Bruce Banner. The Hulk. An Avenger. Or was he?

“Ah. Yeah, this one is a marvel,” Banner agrees, meeting Peter’s eyes and tilting his head. “How’d you end up here, Parker?”

“You know him?” Stark sounds almost pleasantly surprised.

“I didn’t know he was the Spider-Man. But we’ve met a few times. I suppose that explains a lot,” Banner muses. He walks up to Peter, tilting his head to the side and studying him. “What did you in, kid?” He sounds almost sympathetic, but he doesn’t show any signs of actually wanting to do anything about the state he’s currently in.

Peter raises his chin. “I traded myself in.”

Bruce draws his hand away, looking surprised. “Why would you do that?”

“Family,” Stark answers with some distaste, before Peter can say anything. “I had his aunt and uncle brought in. I let them go, since he turned himself in in their place.”

“You did not let Ben go,” Peter counters sharply, trying to send him a look but unable to crane his neck far enough to do it. It’s still stiff from both the IV and from Stark biting him right over the same spot a little while ago, and Stark is standing at just the right angle that he can’t turn and see him.

“I didn’t kill him. I told you, that in and of itself is a mercy,” Stark retorts.

“It’s hardly mercy when you’re continually using him against me,” Peter snaps before he can think better of it.

Suddenly Stark is there again, gripping his chin and jerking his head towards him with no regard for the pain in his neck. “It is mercy compared to what I would have done to anyone else. He is still a criminal. And yes, I am using him against you, and I will continue to until you learn your place.”

“Oh, learn my place, huh? Let me guess. Under you, right?”

Stark smirks, leaning close enough for their noses to brush. His grin only widens when Peter involuntarily jerks away from the touch. “Always, sweetheart. In every way.”

Banner only snorts, shooing Stark away. To Peter’s surprise, Stark chuckles darkly but complies, and he allows himself to release a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Banner may not have been who he thought he was, but it’s obvious from the way he touches him and his general demeanor that while he has no intention of stopping Stark, he wasn’t going to hurt Peter, either. “Who knew scrawny superheroes were your type, Tony.”

“Only when they’re feisty and intelligent. Everyone else bores me,” Stark replies flippantly. He sounds so calm, as if he wasn’t just up in Peter’s face, threatening both him and the life of his uncle.

“Looks like you already had a time with him,” Banner notes, running a finger against the bruise on the side of Peter’s neck. He lets out a low hiss at the pain.

“Not quite. Just a short lesson in who’s really in charge. I knew you’d be coming shortly, there wasn’t time for anything else.” Stark shrugs, returning to Banner’s side for a moment. “You have everything you need?”

“Of course. I know where everything is if not.”

“Good. I should get going, then.” Stark looks down at him again, tilting his chin up with a finger. “I’m leaving you with Doctor Banner for now. You will behave and do whatever he tells you to.”

The “or else” goes unspoken, and for that, at least, Peter is grateful. He doesn’t need another reminder of all the hellish things Stark has in store, just waiting in the wings for him to make a mistake.

He just nods. Stark stares at him for a moment, as if debating whether or not to believe him, and then shrugs, letting him go. He disappears from sight, and a moment later, Peter hears the telltale sound of a door shutting behind him. Now he’s alone with the mutant doctor with uncertain intentions and suddenly completely ambiguous loyalties. Great.

If he senses his thoughts, Banner doesn’t comment on them. Instead, he flashes him a small smile and simply says, “Alright. Let’s get started.”

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myfandomrambles · 5 years ago

Text

C-PTSD & BPD Doctor

(Doctor Character Study part 3D)

An analysis of The Doctor as having Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) along with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).If you read my ADHD & Autistic doctor posts you will notice some symptom overlap mostly with impulsivity. I chose to put C-PTSD and BPD as one post because symptom overlap is strong, and the disorders are highly comorbid.

12th Doctor:

The Twelfth Doctor is often viewed as a darker, colder Doctor. He is a more abrasive character than many of The Doctor’s faces. He didn’t lie about who and what he was like many of the new Doctors do. He is really grappling with the Time War’s effects on himself, having lived in a war on Trenzalore, many of the things he has done or chosen to do that facilitated harm and very prominently all of the loved ones he’s lost before, during and after the wars.

The idea of being a soldier or general vs being The Doctor hangs heavy on him. He not only played a general and war hero during the time war “The Doctor of war” but was also the default commander of the Trenzalore war, the target of much of the violence and the de facto leader of the town during the siege. His deep fear of who he really is, and distaste for anything related to soldiers does stem from the Time War but regenerating off the war on Trenzalore made him have to grapple even further because he spent so much time having to experience it all over again.

In this Doctor's run we get some references back to his earliest incarnation and life on Gallifrey in series 9 a chunk of this is mostly plot-related in the concept of the Time Dial and Hybrid but even that added to other information gives insight to his early life which connects with all of the New Who Doctors, and greatly with the Twelfth Doctor in interesting ways.

"Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?

Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.

Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?

Woman: You know why.

Man: There'll be no crying in the army.

Woman: Hush.

Man: Don't pretend you're not awake. We're not idiots.

Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.

Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army.

Woman: He doesn't want to join the army. I keep telling you.

Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord."

This scene is in TV: Listen is connected well with much of what we knew before about The Doctor's lonely childhood, his experience of always been regarded as a renegade, was disliked in school, not liking the rigid society, having anxiety even as a kid and being generally isolated [save The Master]. In this story, it also ties into the way that even into this regeneration The Doctor deals with fears and anxiety he tries to hide and intellectualize. This also sets up a baseline of possible attachment struggles that have worsened with complex trauma.

In TV: Witch's familiar Missy describes The Doctor as a young Time Lord, It’s told in a bit of humour manner but connects in with the more serious discussion on TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent.

“Doctor: A long time ago, there was a student at the Academy. He got in here, disappeared for four days. Showed up in a completely different part of the city. Said the Sliders talked to him, they showed him the secret passage out. And we just need the code.

Clara: What and the kid told you the secret?

Doctor: Ah, no, he didn't tell anyone anything. He went completely mad. Never right in the head again, so they say.

Clara: Okay, that's encouraging.

Doctor: The last I heard, he stole the moon and the President's wife.

Clara: Was she, er, Was she nice, the President's wife?

Doctor: Ah, well, that was a lie put about by the Shabogans. It was the President's daughter. I didn't steal the moon, I lost it.

Clara: I'd know you anywhere.

Doctor: I was a completely different person in those days. Eccentric, a bit mad, rude to people.”

This conversation again adds a bit to The Doctor stories adding to things like the Tenth Doctor’s discussion of the Untempered Schism shaping The Doctor even from a young age. This also connects with The Doctor's self-perception, the above attachment issues and talks about how his history on Gallifrey has influenced his identity issues.

The Doctor Struggles with boundaries, something that we know is connected with his alien tendencies [and if you read my Autistic/Adhd sections it ties with that] but I think his emotional and identity enmeshment with Clara and to some degree Missy has a tie into his history of loss and trauma ( TV: Under The Lake & TV: The Witch’s Familiar). We see that The Doctor tends to either care for people an intense amount or have difficulty forming a connection, this also applies to his trust ( TV: Time Heist, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Zygon Invasion TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, & TV: The Pilot, TV: The Lie of The Land)

The Doctor has poor boundaries with Clara, in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death The Doctor enters Clara’s bathroom while in the tub in the TARDIS, he has little care for how this would cross boundaries. The Doctor also very often relies on her for how he sees and values himself putting his Duty of Care over anything else. In TV: Dark Water we see another example,

“Clara: You're going to help me?

Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?

Clara: Because of what I just did. I just

Doctor: You betrayed me. Betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything that I've ever stood for. You let me down!

Clara: Then why are you helping me?

Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?”

Clara crossed an extreme line in this episode having, in her mind, drugged The Doctor and destroyed his ability to get into his home and possible stranding them in a deadly position. As The Doctor point’s out he betrayed him deeply and let him down. The most telling part here isn’t to me that he helps her out, it’s that he doesn’t set this up as a time of “forgiving” her for having done something that could have hurt them both, but that it doesn’t make a difference. Betraying him could never make a difference, a level of extreme trust and lack of autonomy from her.

Being without her makes him reckless (TV: The Witch’s Familiar) and the ability to possibly protect her will make him cross lines, ones of keeping himself safe (TV: Last Christmas) and his own personal moral standards (TV: Face The Raven). In TV: Heaven Sent he describes life as not being worth living without her while trying to figure out if he can get out of the situation he questions if its work it saying,

“Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

The Doctor and Clara’s identities become enmeshed in The Doctor’s perception in TV: Heaven Sent he says,

“Doctor: Assume you're going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storm room. I always imagine that I'm back in my Tardis, showing off, telling you how I escaped, making you laugh.”

This shows how she is part of his own internal thought process and his coping skills. And later in TV: Hell Bent along with his willingness to cross all his personal boundaries and the laws of time it’s discussed how they might, even if just in personal and outside perception, become a singular entity in the Hybrid.

“Doctor: Does it matter?

Ashildr: No. Because I have a better theory.

Doctor: Really?

Ashildr: What if the Hybrid wasn't one person, but two?

Doctor: Two?

Ashildr: A dangerous combination of a passionate and powerful Time Lord and a young woman so very similar to him.”

Part of this enmeshed identities is connected to the concept of Favourite person which Clara Oswald fills the role of in seasons 8 & 9. He puts so much of himself into her in his self-perception and works hard to keep her safe. ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Time Heist).

This is shown in terms of ‘duty of care’, this also relates to his hero/god complex, feelings that he needs to control everything, deep fears and anxiety and guilt over people he can’t save. ( TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Face the Raven, TV: The Girl Who Died). He also shows a lot of jealousy towards her showing attention to others. (TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: Listen, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Caretaker, Comic: The Four Doctors)

In TV: The Caretaker Danny Pink comments on The Doctors need to keep her safe.

“Danny: It's all right, it doesn't matter. I don't need him to like me. It doesn't matter if he likes me or hates me, I just need to do exactly one thing for you. Doctor, am I right?

Doctor: Yes.

Clara: What? What one thing?

Danny: I need to be good enough for you. That's why he's angry. Just in case I'm not.”

This protectiveness reaches its most extreme in Twelve shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent. He is also willing to hurt himself in order for her to not be hurt. This can be seen in TV: Dark Water & TV: The Witch's Familiar and allowing himself to be hurt for thousands of years in the Time Dial. (TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent)

This enmeshment isn't one-sided. Multiple Times Clara notes how important The Doctor is to her, stating he is essential to her in TV: Before the Flood, calling him the only person she really trusts (TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven) and desperately wanting to be like him. (TV: Flatline, TV: The Girl Who Died & TV: Face The Raven)

In TV: Listen Clara ends up on Gallifrey and tried to calm the young Doctor, she is then able to extrapolate this to her Doctor whom she knows and understands his fear of vulnerability but has also seen him when he is lost and hurt, knowing he is anxious. When she comes back she says;

“Clara: What if there was nothing? What if there never was anything? Nothing under the bed, nothing at the door. What if the big bad Time Lord doesn't want to admit he's just afraid of the dark.

Doctor: Where are we? Have we moved? Where have we landed?

Clara: Don't look where we are. Take off, and promise me you will never look where we've been.

Doctor: Why?

Clara: Just take off. Don't ask questions.

Doctor: I don't take orders, Clara.

Clara: Do as you're told.”

The way she explains can seem harsh, but keeping him from looking is important as she knows it would consume him trying to work out how they were on a past time lock Galifrey.

Missy becomes someone Twelve links personal image in the show as well. The Doctor and The Master has a long history of hurting each other and then forgiving it when maybe it doesn't make sense to. The Doctor will also often go over other people's heads in order to offer the hand to the master after they do harm to other people. It’s also been pointed out by people like the Rani that the master is overly obsessed with The Doctor. But The Doctor also has a history of connecting their personal identity to the master too. Something we can see throughout Twelve's run.

In TV: World Enough and Time Bil and The Doctor discuss why he wants Bill to help him with Missy’s test run helping others.

“Doctor: She's my friend. She's my oldest friend in the universe.

Bill: Well, you've got lots of friends. Better ones. What's so special about her?

Doctor: She's different.

Bill: Different how?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Yes, you do.

Doctor: She's the only person that I've ever met who's even remotely like me.

Bill: So more than anything you want her to be good?

...

Doctor: I know I can help her.”

In this quote, we see that The Doctor needs The Master to be good because of how much he sees of himself in her. There has to be redemption in the heart of The Master because he believes that it is a reflection of his own possibility of goodness, but also part of The Doctor needing to be able to help the people he cares for.

In TV: The Doctor Falls we see more of this trying to have Missy change and to have his friend fill the hole he has.

"Doctor: No! No! When I say no, you turn back around! Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out, you and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it's about? I'm not trying to win. ... It's not because it's fun and God knows it's not because it's easy. It's not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind. It's just that. ... And I will stand here doing it till it kills me. You're going to die too, someday. How will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand, is where I fall. Stand with me."

....

Doctor: Missy. Missy. You've changed. I know you have. And I know what you're capable of. Stand with me. It's all I've ever wanted.

Missy: Me too. But no. Sorry. Just, no. But thanks for trying."

The Doctor easily forgives the masters’ betrayal when she tried to get him to shoot Clara. (TV: The Witch's Familiar) The next time they meet Twelve saves Missy’s life and vows to watch over and try to help her. (TV: Extremis)

The Doctor and Nardole’s relationship is interesting as we see that he works with The Doctor after having been close with his wife. Nardole has seen a lot of The Doctor's weak points and we can see that there is some trust there. Nardole while willing to push back, he is essentially The Doctor’s assistant. While having a license to “kick his ass” (TV: Extremis) for the most part he does as he is told, and when The Doctor does things he doesn’t have any real power over his actions. The Doctor's need for control is evident here but he showed himself as dependable something The Doctor needs as he tends to lose his control when alone.

Bill views The Doctor as her teacher and trusts him very quickly. (TV: Pilot, TV: Smile, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, & TV: World Enough and Time) . We see another side to their relationship in TV: Thin Ice. There we see her able to read the trauma and loss in his face but can also tell time has allowed him to blot out the emotions and the utilitarian way he tries and deal with it.

“Bill: Yeah? Tell me this. You've seen people die before, yeah?

Doctor: Of course.

Bill: You still care?

Doctor: Of course I care.

Bill: How many?

Doctor: How many what?

Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?

Doctor: I don't know.

Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?

Doctor: I care, Bill, but I move on.

Bill: Yeah? How quickly?

Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.

Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?

Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.

Bill: Not what I asked.

Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very

Bill: That's not what I asked!

Doctor: Yes.

Bill: How many?

Bill: Don't tell me. You've moved on.

Doctor: You know what happens if I don't move on? More people die.”

I think this also points to the way The Doctor has the ability and history of taking life and death into his hands and is aware of this in his answers here. The hole left by taking lives and watching them be lost is visible even to those who care for him.

The other most important relationship is The Doctor’s connection to Ashildr. Their connection is born from an episode of flashbacks, anxiety, control issues and overblown sense of responsibility in his god complex. She is made into what she is because of The Doctor trying to be The Doctor, the grand concept, the man who saves people. Her existence is built from hubris and trauma. As well as the no or complete trust he tends to have with other people, becoming deeply connected to people very quickly.

“Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other...I looked into your eyes and I saw my worst fears. Weariness. Emptiness.

Ashildr: That's why you can't travel with me. Our perspectives are too vast. Too far away.

...

Doctor:...Who told you about me? The man who comes for the battle and runs away from the fallout.

Ashildr: Take your pick. You've had an impact on this world. You've made waves.

Doctor: Sometimes tidal waves.

Ashildr: I'm flattered.

....

Ashildr: Someone has to look out for the people you abandon. Who better than me? I'll be the patron saint of The Doctor's leftovers. While you're busy protecting this world, I'll get busy protecting it from you.”

(TV: The Woman Who Lived)

He feels responsible for her, but he also needs her to be okay to have compassion for other people. Because he has his own struggle with weary and emptiness letting it totally consume him is something he dreads. Ashildr also gained the knowledge of the way The Doctor leaves a trail in the world, taking the title “patron saint of The Doctor’s leftovers” she is playing on his guilt, even if it is very honest.

Hyperarousal and Hyperarousal is seen a lot with the Twelfth Doctor (TV: Deep Breath, TV: Into the Dalek, TV: Robots of Sherwood, TV: In The Forest Of The Night, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, Comic: Selfie, Comic: Ghost Stories, Prose, The Blood Cell, Prose Big Bang Generation, Comic: Playing House, TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen). This overlaps with compulsive thoughts and anxiety in TV: Listen where the whole story cover being so on edge he makes up a reason for his paranoid thoughts and fears.

This also manifests as The Doctor being very restless in general (Prose: Big Bang Generation, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Time Heist, TV: Listen, Comic: The Twist & Comic: Unearthly Things). And visible anxiety through his body language and way of speaking (TV: Dark Water, TVL Heaven Sent Comic: Hyperion Empire, Comic: The Boy With the Displaced Smile, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: Extremis, The Magician's Apprentice, & Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen)

In TV: The Girl Who Died, he describes how after loss and during stress he experiences times where he can’t breathe a description congruent with anxiety.

“Doctor: One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe”

He experienced episodes of high anger ( TV: Into The Dalek, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Tim Heist, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Before The Flood, Zygon Inversion. TV: Face The Raven, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, TV: Thin Ice, Comic: The Twist, TV: The Doctor Falls, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). Sometimes becoming outward displays of violence line when he punches a Man in TV: Thin Ice and shooting The General in TV: Hell Bent.

We see another episode of extreme anger in TV: Death In Heaven, he internalizes his anger until it becomes too much and we see him break down destroying his console. We see other internalized anger in (TV: Heaven Sent, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, & TV: Last Christmas)

He has a marked experience of irritability and agitation struggling to handle interpersonal situations and (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, & Prose: Blood Cell). This decreases over time in the later season showing less of an agitated and often perceived as rude, it takes a form of internalization quite a bit covered by fatigue.

Twelve has a strong need to control the situation around him and himself (TV: Robots of Sherwood TV: Listen, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Into The Forest of The Night, TV: Last Christmas TV: Prequel To The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, TV: The Zygon Invasion/Zygon INversion, TV: Sleep No More TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: Oxygen, TV: Extremis/Pyramid at the end of the world/Lie of the Land, TV: The Empress of Mars, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls & TV: Twice Upon a Time, Comic: The Twist, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, & TV: Invasion of The Midmorphs)

The Doctor’s need to have control over the situation can become a level of manipulative that can upset the people he is with. Taking the form of knowing things others don’t and not letting them in, or using other people’s lives in what from the outside seems like a game. (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Before The Flood, and Comic: The Twist)

In TV: Flatline they discuss methods of control

“Doctor: Excellent lying, Doctor Oswald.

Clara: Yeah? Well, thought it was pretty weak myself.

Doctor: I meant to me. You told me that Danny was okay with you being back on board the Tardis.

Clara: Well, he is.

Doctor: Yeah, because he doesn't know anything about it.

Clara: Doctor

Doctor: Congratulations. Lying is a vital survival skill.

Clara: Well, there you go.

Doctor: And a terrible habit.”

This is an interesting exchange as I think it connects to control, a sense of disconnection from others as well as adding a throughline to his previous regeneration. He refers to it as a survival skill Clara was using the same skills The Doctor did in order to control the situation with those episodes side characters. But it’s also pointed to as a bad habit, something The Doctor wishes they didn’t have to do. We know that the lying was a tool of control and isolation to the Eleventh Doctor. River and The Doctor’s rule one was consistent “The Doctor lies.” I think it can also be connected to implicit memories of acting on behaviours he has needed to do for a long time.

Control is invoked in a different manner in Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death he invokes the president of the world status. We see this again in Comic: The Hyperion Empire he takes charge of the situation over a politician even using the president of the world title to his advantage, Kate comments on this as funny doing to his dislike of this title in previous episodes.

In Prose: The Blood Cell there is an interesting example of this in his maintaining control of the situation in a prison by continuously doing things that assert his own control over the situation. It’s effective as he has as much information on the situation as the people who run the prison who are having their own kind of power struggle. He jokes about having a day off as well, commenting on his being the one in power in most places, which is oddly a part of his trying, and eventually succeeding in controlling a situation that is meant to leave him powerless.

The control issues are commented on by The Doctor in TV: Under The Lake

“Doctor: So, who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.”

These issues are inflamed during the events of TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent when his control was entirely stripped by the Time Lords. During these experiences he does what he can to hold control and overcompensating, using his previous interactions and war experience to essentially hold Galifrey even when he has no intention of staying. This is understandable due to the torture of the Time Dial and it continues to affect him moving forward.

He can show anxiety when he loses control of the situation (TV: Flatline, TV: The Caretaker, TV: Heaven Sent, TV: Pyramid at The End Of The World, TV: Time Heist, TV: Oxygen, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Comic: The Hyperion Empire, Comic: Supremacy of The Cybermen, & Comic: Ghost Stories) An example that is played as laughs but shows this is his dislike of River yanking him around (TV: The Husbands of River Song)

"Doctor: Stop holding my hand, people don't do that to me.”

Similar interactions happen between Bernice Summerfield and Twelve during Prose: The Big Bang Generation, as he doesn’t hold the cards for much of the Story.

The Doctor can use displays and show off in part of his need for control and as a way of trying to impress his friends, It works against his feeling of loneliness and giving that need for attention. It can take the form of just generally extreme displays of masking emotions like in TV: The Magician's Apprentice and TV: The Lie of The Land or explaining how he did something (TV: In The Forest of The Night TV: Kill The Moon,, TV: Time Heist, Comic: The Twist, TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TVL: Thin Ice, Prose: Blood Cell, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World & TV: World Enough and Time)

The Doctor has a deep fear of showing he’s own vulnerability, this is seen very clearly in TV: Extremis & TV: Pyramid at The End of The World. After TV: Oxygen The Doctor is left blind and refuses to tell Bill that this lasted. He uses the glasses to try and see the outlines of things and grudgingly relies on Nardole for help. It’s impossible to do it totally on his own, and Nardole had seen vulnerability before so he is the one let somewhat in. The fear of being seen as something that connects to his trauma and needs to show people a heroic side of himself and close off all of the pain and trauma inside of him.

In TV: Extremis Nardole references that he fears others knowing about vulnerabilities and accepting them himself,

“Nardole: Okay, so you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?

Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.

Nardole: Yeah, shall I tell you the real reason?

Doctor: No.

Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.

Doctor: Good point, well made. Definitely not telling her now.

Nardole: You're an idiot.

Doctor: Everyone knows that.”

The Doctor has a tendency to isolate himself as a function of anxiety and depression. Part of this is his fear of vulnerability done with words and lies of omission and sometimes straight-up separating himself physically (TV: Dark Water/Last Christmas, TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: Twice Upon A Time, TV: Kill The Moon, Prose: Big Bang Generation, & TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World) when overwhelmed he literally bolts and leaves the stressful place, this is seen again in TV: The Girl Who Died where when he realises that Ashildr died he hides his emotions and hides from others.

Emotional masking can be part of this, in TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio he says he’s “always okay” instead of being honest and moving on from it.

Deals with obsessive thoughts (TV: Mummy on The Orient Express, TV: Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile & TV: Twice Upon A Time, & TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood). We see this heavily in TV: Listen, he thought himself into creating an entire creature thought rumination. The concept here is also fear itself and a loss of control through a creature he could never see. We this also is tied into other issues like nightmares, insomnia and references back to his childhood which through the extended universe materials and references in the show was not a happy one with being ostracised from his own family/chapter from peers and early experiences of violence. Another specific version of this is his preoccupation with his trauma, seen in TV: Into the Dalek in his conversation with the Dalek.

“Rusty: Daleks have destroyed a million stars.

Doctor: Oh, millions and millions. Trust me, I keep count.”

Another manifestation is seen in his habit of talking to himself (TV: Listen, TV: Mummy on the Orient Express, Prose: The Big Bang Generation)

A Connected symptom to compulsive thinking is his flashbacks and intrusive thoughts related to his trauma. (TV: Listen, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: Into The Forest of The night, & TV: Death in Heaven) An example is his reliving visually the experiences with Donna in TV: Fires of Pompeii when he is faced with the failure to keep Ashildr safe. This ends with him in a state of panic(TV: The Girl Who Died).

He describes seeing and hearing events from the Time War in TV: Zygon Inversion

“Doctor: I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know. I did worse things than you could ever imagine. And when I close my eyes I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain?”

This is a pretty accurate description of flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Another moment that references intrusive thoughts and flashbacks can be seen in TV: Extremis when The Doctor talks to Missy.

“Doctor: Memories are so much worse in the dark.”

Nightmares and Insomnia ( TV: Deep Breath, TV: Listen, TV: Zygon Inversion, TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Sleep No More, TV: Knock Knock, TV: Extremis)

The Doctor can show obsessive tendencies with the people who have traumatized him, (TV: Hell Bent, Comic: The Great Shopping Bill, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lives, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Into The Dalek)

There are very explicit incidents when we see Twelve have triggers (TV: Kill The Moon, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Supremacy of The Cybermen) In Comic: The Great Shopping Bill The Doctor sees robots just shaped like Daleks and has a reaction of anger and getting into a fighting mindset. After what happened with Davros, The Doctor refuses to use his Sonic for a period of time instead of using his Sonic Shades. (TV: The Magician's Apprentice/The Witch's Familiar, continues through series 9) [losing the Sonic isn’t a good enough reason we know the TARDIS can make a new one quite fast.]

This overlaps with his intrusive thoughts and flashbacks obviously as they can be triggered. An example is when war is mentioned in Comic: Hyperion, we see The Doctor start listening wars he’s been a part of including Trenzalore.

The Doctor shows issues with dissociation, which we see The Doctor experience in other situations. (TV: Death in Heaven, TV: Extremis, TV: Empress of Mars, Comic: Fractures, Comic: The Wolves of Winter, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Before the Flood) It’s used very clearly as a protective measure in TV: Heaven Sent allowing him to go into his head to manage stress completely disconnecting from himself and having a distortion of his environment. We see him use dissociation this to ignore pain. (TV: Heaven Sent, Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: The Witch's Familiar, TV: Twice Upon a Time). He even loses time (TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Prequel to The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Magician's Apprentice, TV: The Pilot)

The Doctor often experiences emotional shutdowns (TV: Time Heist, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Inversion, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctor) The interesting thing in TV: Thin Ice is we see this play out in how it’s often used, to allow himself to deal and make decisions. We know he can easily lose his temper but when the child dies and bill asks him about it he says

“Doctor: I have never had the luxury of outrage”

While we know this isn’t true, and we later see him sock a racist in the jaw, there is actually a difference. The Doctor has a sense of morality that is very strong, but it’s most important to get it done, for Twelve more than anyone else. I think we can tell that here he has to separate himself from what he feels to act. The Doctor can set himself in the mindset of a fight to finish what needs to be done, something that Bill who isn’t used to splitting from himself isn’t able to do. The Doctor, however, is in tune with grief and sentimentality, so it’s not a lack of ability.

Twelve disrupted belief system can be seen in The Doctor, something that has been an issue since at least the Eighth Doctor and commented on with both Ten and Eleven (Comic: The Boy With The Displace Smile, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Eaters of Light & TV: Heaven Sent). In Comic: The Wolves of Winter The Doctor’s belief becomes important in order to protect against the Haemovore he pulls on the memory of how much he cared for his companions and this works to push over the edge of emotions.

In TV: Into The Dalek, we see that the belief he carries generally like his view of himself is set into his trauma,

“Clara: It's the look you get when I'm about to slap you.

Doctor: Ow. Clara.

Clara: Are we going to die in here? I mean, there's a little bit of you that's pleased. The Daleks are evil after all. Everything makes sense. The Doctor is right.”

In TV: Hell Bent Ohila notes that the moral system and solid foundations will fall apart when his emotions become too much.

“Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.

Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?

Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.

Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?

Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.”

Twelve struggles with having a cohesive sense of self and identity this is closely intertwined with the dissociation. The main way this shows is the way he describes The Doctor as a separate construct not truly tied to him. (TV: Flatline, TV: Dark Water/Death in Heaven, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Thin Ice, TV: World Enough and Time, & TV: Twice Upon A Time). In TV: The Witch’s Familiar this is commented on in a conversation between Davros and The Doctor, how the concept is something the person can never live up to, a severe split of self.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard, I'm not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm The Doctor.”

We see this in the reverse in TV: Face The Raven where he rejects the label when his actions are made out of anger, resentment and pain. A split idea of who he is and who he ought to be

“Ashildr: You can't.

Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You've read the stories. You know who I am. And in all of that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?

Ashildr: I know The Doctor. The Doctor would never

Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me. And I will end you, and everything you love.”

Clara, as she did with Eleven in TV: The Day of The Doctor, tries to get him to own the person she believes him to be.

“Clara: ...Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a Warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.

Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?

Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise, I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.”

This ties in with his anger, and his self-hatred, and often warranted guilt. This exchange has no convincing power to The Doctor,

“Doctor: What Clara said about not taking revenge. Do you know why she said that?

Ashildr: She was saving you.

Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best, but I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.”

He takes her order in to not hurt Ashildr and Trap Street, but he doesn’t actually believe as Clara does that he can be “turned into a monster” or that this isn't who is, that anger he's capable of and what he has done are who is, an old Time Lord, a lost person, as much if not more so then The Doctor.

The Doctor tries to reconcile his identity issues in TV: Death in Heaven.

“Doctor: I really didn't know. I wasn't sure. You lose sight sometimes. Thank you! I am not a good man! I am not a bad man. I am not a hero. And I'm definitely not a president. And no, I'm not an officer. Do you know what I am? I am an idiot, with a box and a screwdriver. Just passing through, helping out, learning."

Though as examples of this can be seen in stories that happen after this episode we can see it was short lives epiphany.

As a part of identity construct The Doctor has a hero and god complex, this is also something that is warranted to some extent because of all they have done, but the good and bad having been done as The Doctor is part of why this identity is distant from the person (TV: Smile, TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Flatline, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Waters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/ The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon a Time)

In TV: Flatline when he has to combat the Boneless he has to make choices he actually struggles. This combines identity issues around The Doctor, with his hero/god complex, and the guilt over past actions.

“ Doctor: I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out, I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly.

And I think you just don't care. And I don't know whether you are here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters. That is the role you seem determined to play. So it seems I must play mine.

The man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And, if you do, remember this. You are not welcome here. This plane is protected. I am The Doctor. And I name you The Boneless. ”

An interesting arc connected to his trauma and identity issues through the story thread between the stories TV: Kill the Moon, TV: In The Forest of The Night, and TV: Thin Ice is about the authority he has over the earth and including his companions in this work.

First in TV: Kill The Moon we see The Doctor rejecting his connection to the earth and refusing to take the actions surrounding rather or not to kill the moon or not.

“Doctor: Listen, there are moments in every civilisation's history in which the whole path of that civilisation is decided. The whole future path. Whatever future humanity might have depends upon the choice that is made right here and right now. Now, you've got the tools to kill it. You made them. You brought them up here all on your own, with your own ingenuity. You don't need a Time Lord. Kill it. Or let it live. I can't make this decision for you.'

‘Doctor: Listen, we went to dinner in Berlin in 1937, right? We didn't nip out after pudding and kill Hitler. I've never killed Hitler. And you wouldn't expect me to kill Hitler. The future is no more malleable than the past...Sorry. Well, actually, no, I'm not sorry. It's time to take the stabilisers off your bike. It's your moon, womankind. It's your choice.”

Twelves rejecting his over who he really is makes him vacillate between being amazingly in control and shrewd and I think dreading to make decisions, and the more the decision has social aspects, like the effects of the choices of the moon and fallout he struggles to actually be the one. [This story is one I personally don’t know if he knew or not] He is focused on the control in a paradoxical fashion as he is both literally running from and trying to maintain it in the way he plays the conductor. Clara hates this, the largest fight they have stems from this,

“Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language. Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike. And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable. You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breathe our air. You make us your friend, and that is your moon too. And you can damn well help us when we need it."

Her comments about Earth being The Doctor’s home too, that the humans care for the earth, The Doctor meddles in the earth and therefore he has responsibilities to them. That he can’t play games with those who trust him.

The next time this arc comes up in earnest is in TV: In The Forest of The Night,

“Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your earth, I breathe your air.

Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now, go. Save the next one.”

In this story, The Doctor lets Clara know he heard her, and we can see he is no longer questioning his care for the earth and the personal nature of his responsibility to the humans, and his friends. He is still making executive decisions though.

In TV: Thin Ice we see The Doctor backtrack somewhat on being part of the earth, but he is willing to listen to others. I see it as part of The Doctor’s change in attitude being exhausted of making choices, but also knowing and being willing to do it anyway.

"Doctor: She might. It's a risk. So, what do you want to do, Bill?

Bill: We already know the answers. Why are you even asking?

Doctor: I don't know the answers. Only idiots know the answers. But if your future is built on the suffering of that creature, what's your future worth?

Bill: Why is it up to me?

Doctor: Because it can't be up to me. Your people, your planet. I serve at the pleasure of the human race, and right now, that's you. Give me an order. Not long till noon. I need an order."

Overall this exchange helps illustrate how he doesn't have a lot of linear change, more changing expressions of his earlier experiences and reacting to the changing circumstances of the struggles.

His issues with Soldiers connected to these identity issues and is a major component of his history of trauma with the Time War and Trenzalore. He’s never liked guns or using weapons and has a disparaging view of War for his whole existence as three commenting on military intelligence as a “contradiction in terms”.

This more complete rejection of soldiers doesn’t start to manifest until the Eighth Doctor. It’s interesting as by this point The Doctor is much more of a soldier than his older regenerations, The Brigadier being his best friend for the majority of his regenerations and still being a friend up till Eleven. As he became more willing to cross lines and someone who could command people to die for him he hates the concept. During the Time war however even as a soldier his contempt for the military stays being the People’s hero but someone the establishment doesn't like (TV: The Day of The Doctor, Prose: Engines of War, TV: Hell Bent).

The dislike of soldiers is most pronounced in the early part of Twelve's time (TV: Dark Water, TV: The Girl Who, Comic: The Hyperion Empire). In TV: Into The Dalek, he rejects Journey Blue coming with him explicitly because she’s a soldier,

“ Journey: Doctor. Take me with you.

Doctor: I think you're probably nice. Underneath it all, I think you're kind and you're definitely brave. I just wish you hadn't been a soldier.”

TV: The Caretaker is another story where this is front and centre. Explicitly stating his hatred of soldiers

"Doctor: I hate soldiers. Don't you hate soldiers?"

During the story, this conflict becomes entangled with his “duty of care” with Clara and control issues with Danny Pink. The Doctor immediately dislikes him as a retired soldier calling “PE” even when he’s a maths teacher, as an insult. Danny gets involved with his plans causing a rift by him breaking The Doctor’s control, and plan. It's directly discussed between The Doctor and Danny over their dual perceptions of the other as someone they view as antagonistic to their own selves.

“Danny: Now, Time Lords, do you salute those?

Doctor: Definitely not.

Danny: Ah. Sir!

Doctor: And you do not call me sir.

Danny: As you wish, sir. Absolutely, sir.

Doctor: And you can get out of my Tardis!

Danny: Immediately, sir.

Clara: Doctor, this is stupid, this is unfair.

Danny: One thing, Clara. I'm a soldier, guilty as charged. You see him? He's an officer.

Doctor: I am not an officer!

Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire. He's the one who lights it.

Doctor: Out. Now.

Danny: Right away, sir. Straight now?

Doctor: Yes.

Danny: Am I dismissed?

Doctor: Yes, you are!

Danny: That's him. Look at him, right now. That's who he is.”

In TV: Death in Heaven this disagreement continues:

"Cyber-Danny: Clara, watch this. This is who The Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch it on. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches just disappear in the face of a tactical advantage? Sir.

Doctor: I need to know. I need to know.

Cyber-Danny: Yes. Yes, you do.

Clara: Give me the screwdriver.

Doctor: No.

Clara: Just do it, Doctor. Do as you are told.

Cyber-Danny: Typical officer. Got to keep those hands clean."

The dislike of soldiers as stated earlier rises in conjunction with their ability to think and act like one. Twelve very easily assumes a military footing, having the ability to act like a soldier and general when necessary. A very intimate understanding of violence follows him and the mindset can be triggered into the front. (Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, TV: Death in Haven, TV: The Magician’s Apprentice, TV: Zygon Invasion/Zygon Invasion, TV: Hell Bent, & TV: The Eaters of Light)

A version of this can be seen in TV: The Girl Who Died, when the village falls under attack Clara tries to get him to help the people survive, The Doctor’s first response is to try and train them with weapons, something Clara points out he ought to know better. The interesting thing is that at this point that is Twelve’s fall back mode.

Twelve comments on this in TV: The Empress of Mars,

“Bill: You knew that would happen.

Doctor: Always been my problem.

Bill: What?

Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.”

This I think is a combination of the above-discussed issues of hypervigilance and traumatic identity formation but also implicit memories. Living in a war zone twice, and before those long periods of violence in other situations has taught him to think like this. If they don’t people they love, along with innocents will die.

He frames his life around being a battle, around fighting an endless war. In TV: Twice Upon a Time we see him refer to a long life as such;

“Doctor: A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen”

When he decides to regenerate he remarks on it by saying,

“Doctor: Time to leave the battlefield”

The Doctor struggles to handle not having some kind of stimulation of danger, often seeking out dangerous situations. A combined addiction to the violence even if he has a moral and personal disgust with war and wanton violence. (TV: Time Heist, Comic: Terrorformer, Comic: The Swords of Kali, Comic: Gangland, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death, Comic: Playing House, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: The Pilot, TV: Thing Ice. TV: Oxygen, & TV: World Enough and Time)

In Prose: Big Bang Generation he comments on this saying that it has gotten worse since his fourth incarnation, pointing out he wouldn’t be caught dead on a planet like Legion back then, nonetheless been going to the scariest part as The Doctor was currently doing. Pointing out that between age, desensitization and a growing reckless his behaviour has changed, the love of adventure maybe being more compulsive when taken in relation to other comments. He describes his agitation and impatience here as “itchy feet”.

In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express they comment on how they couldn’t have just have a normal

“Clara: You knew. You knew this was no relaxing break. You knew this was dangerous.

Doctor: I didn't know. I certainly hoped.”

And at a later point as Clara is trying to decide to stay or not they point out it’s an addictive tendency, something heavily related to BPD and C-PTSD

“Clara: I know it's scary and difficult, but do you love being the man making the impossible choice?

Doctor: Why would I?

Clara: Because it's what you do, all day, every day.

Doctor: It's my life.

Clara: Doesn't have to be. Is it like

Doctor: Like what?

Clara: An addiction?

Doctor: You can't really tell if something's an addiction till you try and give it up.

Clara: And you never have.

Doctor: Let me know how it goes.”

In TV: Heaven Sent when commenting on the construction of the confession dial/prison the captures made for him he reinforces this idea.

“ Doctor: It's a killer puzzle box designed to scare me to death, and I'm trapped inside it. Must be Christmas. ”

The Doctor can be impulsive ( TV: The Girl Who Died, TV: Smile, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: Thin Ice, TV: Husband of River Song, TV: Into The Dalek, Comic: Clara Oswald and The SChool of Death, Comic: Unearthly Things, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir, Comic: The Lost Dimension, & Comic: Beneath the Waves)

The Doctor is often extremely reckless ( TV: The Magician's Apprentice, Comic: Terrorformer, TV: Under The Lake, Comic: GangLand, Comic: Fractures, TV: Husbands of River Song, Comic: The Twist, Prose: Big Bang Generation, TV: Smile, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Lie of The Land, TV: Pyramid at The End of The World, TV: The Doctor Falls, Comic: Terror of the Cabinet Noir & Comic: The Lot Dimension)

This can get to a point where he is throwing himself into a situation where he could easily die in order to save others, or at least solve the problem (TV: Last Christmas, TV: Time Heist, TV: The Lie of The Land, Comic: Clara Oswald and The School of Death) An example id in TV: Time Hist in order to figure out what is going on and how to save the people left in the vault he allows the Teller to read his mind something they know often turns brains to “soup”. In TV: Mummy on The Orient Express The Doctor uses himself as bait to solve the puzzle allowing the ForeTold to lock on to him.

In TV: The Witch’s Familiar he uses his own regeneration energy to beat the Daleks and Davros, causing himself great pain and possibly affecting further versions of The Doctor. It also shows an increased sense of willingness to harm himself when he believes he’s lost, Clara. In a show of further escalation in personal disregard and tendency to cause himself harm these actions happen at an increased rate in his last season.

In TV: Oxygen The Doctor saves Bill by taking off his suit and giving it to her. This act leaves him harmed causing him to be blind, this effect was long-lasting and could have been permanent. During the period where this harm is left on him, in a semi-visible manner, and has a large effect on his well being. He tries to compensate but leaves him frustrated by the effects he caused himself.

Following this in TV: Extremis The Doctor again puts himself in a position to not only almost die, cause himself pain but be willing to put his future on the line.

“Doctor: The thing about the universe is, whatever you need, you can always borrow, as long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won't regenerate ever again. Maybe I'll drop dead in twenty minutes.”

This shows a lack of regard for any future versions of himself, not caring about planning forward. We know he is guarding missy but if she wanted to get out, it's pretty clear she would have, and Nardole is there to do so. Not to mention she is let out way earlier than the original promise was made for. Not caring or planning for a future is emblematic of depression, C-PTSD and BPD. With BPD part of it is lack of permanence of self and of emotions, something we see heavily with him.

The Doctor carries a profound sense of guilt, even after knowing he was able to keep Gallifrey from becoming completely destroyed we still use a heavyweight about what he has done and has failed to do that has hurt others. (Prose: The Blood Cell, TV: Death in Heaven, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: The Magician's Apprentice/ The Witch's Familiar, TV: Prequel to the magician's apprentice, TV: Thin Ice, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon a Time) This is referenced in TV: Extremis:

“Angelo: Pope Benedict said that you were more in need of confession than any man breathing. But when the offer was made, you replied it would take too much time. On behalf of the Catholic Church, the offer stands. You seem like a man with regret on his mind.”

The guilt is referenced in Comic: Unearthly Things, when he is unable to save the monster he almost hurts himself doing so. After Clara pulls him back he says

“Doctor: I hope it wasn’t the last of its kind”

This references The Doctor’s own history of being the only one left something he later comments on in TV: The Lie of The Land calling Missy the ‘other of the last of the time lords’. He feels sadness over the idea of others not only facing the same fate but of being the one to end a people.

In TV: Before The Flood Clara references his guilt over all of the people around him over the years,

“Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.

Clara: No. You can change things.

Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go some time.

Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.

Doctor: Clara, I need to talk to you just on your own. Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.

Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.

Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.

Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair.

Doctor: Clara.

Clara: No. Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way, you'll come back. Doctor, are you?

Doctor: I can't save Moran or Pritchard.

Clara: No, but like you said, if you can, if you can find out why this is happening, maybe you can stop them killing anybody else, you can save us. And you can stop it happening to you.”

Connected to guilt are feelings of shame. In the series 9 opening two-parter TV: The Magicians Apprentice/The Witch’s Familiar this is a topic that is discussed. Ohila, Clara and Missy all point out that he looks shamed by the actions he took prior to this.

“Davros: Why do you hesitate? No one would know. Clara Oswald is dead. Is this the conscience of The Doctor, or his shame? The shame that brought you here.

Doctor: There's no such thing as The Doctor. I'm just a bloke in a box, telling stories. And I didn't come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone.”

The Doctor is not ignoring or pretending that he doesn’t have anything to be ashamed of. I believe it is something that on its own would be healthy. Recognizing you’ve done wrong is a good thing, but when tied with his other problem and guilt that can cause harm.

Grief laid heavy over this Doctor which is tied to his guilt. (TV: Hell Bent, TV: The Husbands of River Song, TV: Doctor Mysterio, TV: The Woman Who Lives, TV: Last Christmas, TV: Hell Bent) In TV: The Girl Who Died this topic is discussed

“Doctor: I don't mean the war. I'll lose any war you like. I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.”

This discusses how grief plagues him and how it hangs as anxiety over him, and that he has spent years running away from pain but also that Twelve is extremely aware that it won’t ever really work.

In TV: Heaven Sent the feelings of grief are newly made, anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and sheer weight of the loss of Clara is as painful to him as the torture itself and how it just never ends.

“Doctor: It's funny, the day you lose someone isn't the worst. At least you've got something to do. It's all the days they stay dead.

Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand, I can remember it all. Every time. And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do, you still won't be there.”

In Comic: The Four Doctors we see a version of The Doctor who lost his Clara earlier and was connected to a betrayal.

Gabby Narrating “[ The Doctor] He’s either turned his back on grief and self-doubt---or it’s consumed him completely ”

This Doctor is very similar to a version like The Time Lord Victorious Tenth Doctor, Late Era Eighth Doctor and most importantly we see that it is close to The Doctor we see in TV: Hell Bent. This Doctor took control of another planet like TV: Hell Bent he took control, and revenge over Galifrey. It differs however from season 10 Twelve who see the consumption is more tied with the hopeless and fatigue feelings, unlike this version who fell into grasping for control and anger.

The Doctor is very lonely this idea is something that has been established as following him from his childhood but has become even more prominent as time goes one. This is deeply tied to the grief, his age, depression and traumatic haze that follows him makes even the people he latches on to feels removed. (Prose: Bing Bang Generation, TV: In The Forest of The Night, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: The Return of Doctor Mysterio, TV: Twice Upon A Time, & Comic: The Twist)

This concept is extremely important in Comic: The Boy With The Displaced Smile, the story is about a scared and lonely child being used by a space parasite. The Doctor and the woman he teams up with here are able to help through empathy and understanding of the child. The Doctor comments on how to help him, and the others notice this comes from experience. This shows The Doctor as lonely and sad, and still very much carrying this out of time wounded part in him.

This is referenced in TV: Face The Raven,

“Clara: You. Now, you listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious and you're going to be sad, but listen to me.”

Noting he can’t handle being alone, that he needs people to be able to regulate, this invokes the topic of Co-regulation. The Doctor has difficulties with regulation and his behavioural management becomes more reckless when alone I think that the idea of lacking self-regulation and often needing outside influence is applicable.

In Comic: Relative Dimensions The Doctor faces the Celestial Toymaker again who’s pocket dimension is slowly falling apart. At this point, the Celestial Toymaker is afraid to join with the normal universe. They use the TARDIS to form him a new sealed off toy room, and The Doctor leaves him to continue playing without any push back.

“Doctor: I had to help him, Clara. Can you understand?

Clara: Let me see-- A lonely god drifting through time and space in his magic toy box? Yeah, I understand Doctor. All Too Well.”

The Doctor has depression, this is something clear in this Doctor. (TV: Listen, TV: Into The Dalek, TV: Dark Water/Death In Heaven, TV: Eaters of Light, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls, TV: Heaven Sent/Hell Bent, Comic: The Boy with The Displaced Smile, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

He experiences hopelessness tied in with some catastrophization,(TV: Heaven Sent, TV: The Girl Who Died/The Woman Who Lived, TV: Eaters of Light, Comic: The Four Doctor, TV: The Doctor Falls, TV: Twice Upon A Time)

In TV: Last Christmas we see comments on this and general depression,

“Clara: Well, look at you, all happy. That's rare.

Doctor: Do you know what's rarer? Second chances. I never get a second chance, so what happened this time? Don't even know who to thank.”

The Doctor has an extremely poor self-image and it’s a sign of PTSD and depression. (TV: Last Christmas, TV: The Witch's Familiar, Comic: The Four Doctors, TV: Hell Bent, TV: Twice Upon A Time) In TV: Time Heist one clue that helps him work out the architect, who is The Doctor, is that he hates him.

“Doctor: I hate him. He's overbearing, he's manipulative, he likes to think that he's very clever. I hate him! Clara, don't you see?”

This shows that he just literally hates himself. It’s in very clear terms. In TV: Flatline The Doctor admits that Clara was very good at playing Doctor, but tells her that goodness is antithetical to being like him. Showing that he has trouble seeing himself and his actions as something good.

“Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.

Clara: Thank you.

Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

In TV: Dark Water The Doctor is talking to Clara after she betrays him

“Clara: I don't deserve a friend like you.

Doctor: Clara, I'm terribly sorry, but I'm exactly what you deserve.”

This notes that he thinks that he is equally as hurtful as she was to him. Reflecting his poor estimation of who he is.

The Doctor has intense fatigue that permeates his Twelfth regeneration (TV: The Eaters of Light, TV: The Witch’s Familiar, TV: Under The Lake/Before The Flood, TV: The Doctor Falls/Twice Upon A Time).

In TV: The Girl Who Died The Doctor has a wave of exhaustion come over him when he realises he didn’t save Ashildr. He sighs harshly and sags visibly.

“Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing.

Clara: You didn't lose. You saved the town.

Doctor: Yeah. I plugged her into the machine. Used her up like a battery. (sighs) I'm so sick of losing”

We see these feelings crop up again in TV: Heaven Sent

“Doctor: Can't I just sleep?

Blackboard: Question 2. What did you say that made the creature stop?

Doctor: Do I have to know everything?

Blackboard: How are you going to Win??”

Doctor: Clara, I can't always”

And later

“Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?

Doctor; Easy. It would be easy. It would be so easy. Just tell them. Just tell them, whoever wants to know, all about the Hybrid.

Doctor: I can't keep doing this. I can't! I can't always do this! It's not fair! Clara, it's just not fair! Why can't I just lose?”

Connected to this is and recklessness is that near the end of season 10 we pass the behaviour of being willing to get injured to actions that border more on suicidal actions ending with outright suicidal actions.

The Start of the most extreme actions is in TV: The Lie of The Land he uses up regeneration energy in a show of disregard for his possible future, but even more so tries to burn out his own brain, in a last-ditch attempt that likely won’t work to save other people. There were also alternatives to this, one, of course, would result in bills death, but it turned out it could be done without even putting himself in harm. This like the previous discussion of recklessness is self-harm directly and breaching into suicide.

Following this in TV: The Eaters of Light we see Twelve try and die again, while yes someone was going to lose his life, he would be in agony for many years longer than any other of them. There is no way he could have survived this action.

This culminated in TV: The Doctor Falls and TV: Twice Upon a Time where he refuses to regenerate. Refusing to regenerate is a Time Lord equivalent of suicide, as it is ending a life voluntarily. In TV: The Doctor Falls we also see him hold himself in the painful state of suspended regeneration and only putting it off in order to be kind. It ends with him trying to accept death by the cybermen and then refusing and yelling no trying to stop it from happening.

This refusal to regenerate becomes a crucial plot point in TV: Twice Upon A Time. The First Doctor is refusing to regenerate out of fear and Twelve is exhausted. Near the end Twelve discusses this, admitting to Nardole that he does want to die to due to the pain of his memories and grief.

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?

Bill: Of course you can.

Nardole: It's your choice.

Bill: Only yours.

Nardole: We understand.

Doctor: No. No, you don't. You're not even really here. You're just memories held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long, do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one, and it's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now, where I go now, it has be alone.”

When at the end of this he does regenerate, this exchange and much of The Doctor’s action shows how suicidal Twelve became near the end. This also echoes sentiments from TV: Heaven Sent & TV: The Girl Who Died. These sentiments and suicidality are textbook depression, BPD & C-PTSD. It shows loneliness, fatigue, guilt, grief, memories, isolation, feelings of emptiness and attachment struggles.

A topic connected to this I find discussed often when people analysis the New Who Doctor’s, especially when talking about the thirteenth Doctor, placing Twelve as someone who has a linear path toward healing from grief and trauma. This point of view is usually framed as the stages of grief, so the thinking is this: Nine represents denial, Ten anger, Eleven bargaining, Twelve depression And ending with Thirteen as acceptance

I find this analysis to be deeply over-simplistic. [I've talked about it a few times on my Tumblr.] That analysis ignores much of The Doctor as a whole and has a frustratingly terrible understanding of trauma.

It only cares about the new who Doctors, even excluding the ones who participated in the time war which it purports to be analysing The Doctor as having mostly healed from through Twelves arc culmination in Thirteen being removed from the trauma and loss completely. But The Eighth Doctor and War Doctor both participated in the time war and had differing reactions to the trauma. It excludes that Nine had a lot of depressed and angry feelings, it would have Ten only be anger but we see textbook bargaining in Ten and also heaps of denial lying to Martha, Eleven is deeply angry and depressed. While I agree Twelve suffers from depression he has anger, and his depression engulfs him at the end meaning the transition from that depression is confusing just as ten’s anger is eating at him.

Legitimately healing would mean that the steps towards acceptance wouldn’t be the things getting worse for most. Even if you think it’s allegory then I wonder why Eleven wouldn’t have bargaining as something prevalent as the main characteristic seen by many.

The next part of this is that people seem to be seeing The Time War as the only important trauma and grief Twelve is dealing with. This is reductive, likely part of people who see war as the only thing that can cause PTSD. I have discussed before that trauma starts building up with the first Doctor, The Doctor is classic complex trauma. But for this specific section, we are focused on the traumatic experience that happens close to his regeneration and during it.

As I discussed before Trenzalore is a war that Twelve experienced directly before he began, something that would explain the heightened distaste for soldiers and war Twelve has even more so than elven. Which shows to me that Twelve along with having just differing reactions it’s likely something retraumatized him in a similar manner.

The episodes of extreme injury The Doctor suffered are enough to trauma on their own. Examples include having his energy sucked (TV: The Witch’s Familiar), being in the vacuum of space and going blind (TV: Oxygen), and Burning his brain up twice (TV: Extremis/Pyramid at The End of The World/Lie of The Land).

Many traumas are experienced directly by Twelve. The standout experience is during TV: Heaven Sent. Twelves experience four and a half billion years of torture. This is done by his own people, people whom he saved and spent years wanting back and looking for. They hurt his friend in this process as well, the pain this causes most have been deeply traumatic. Another part of this is that The Doctor stayed in this torture chamber and let himself be hurt over and over when as he comments he could have given in. It’s a willingness to experience extreme pain, to try and retain some control, and possibly save Clara. But as Clara says in TV: Hell Bent she was dead and this in and of itself was trauma, combined with the guilt of having harmed others through it.

The loss of his friends and the way it’s tied to his own choices is traumatic as well. (TV: Face The Rave, TV: World Enough and Time/The Doctor Falls). River Song is also seen for the last time in The Doctor’s timeline here which is another loss and could be re-traumatizing from experience dating back to Tenth Doctor. (TV: Husbands of River Song)

Seeing all this shows that The Doctor is still experiencing Complex-Trauma and this happens on top of his already existing C-PTSD. The perception he is healing or starting to accept can also be seen as him having “the most” PTSD whereas I also disagree with this, he just has another way of showing his PTSD as well as BPD.

Lastly in the subject of I think common views on him being near healing is saying that his regeneration is one of accepting and wanting to move forward.

Usually, people who hold this viewpoint at his ending message to the next Doctor;

“Doctor: You wait a moment, Doctor. Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first. Never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish. and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind... Argh! But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard, run fast, be kind. Doctor, I let you go.”

But I think pulling only this last part misses much of regeneration story,

First paying attention to the pieces of dialogue I noted before when talked over fatigue, grief and suicidal ideation,

“Nardole: Don't die. Because if you do, I think everybody in the universe might just go cold.

Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest? ”

Then right before the speech to thirteen, when he actually finally chooses to regenerate it’s not a moment of acceptance at all.

“Doctor: Oh, there it is. The silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill.

TARDIS: beeps, flashes and burbles

Doctor: Yes, yes, I know. They'll get it all wrong without me. I suppose one more lifetime wouldn't kill anyone. Well, except me.”

What I think this actually shows that when he regenerates he is doing it out of obligation to protect the universe. He is literally choosing to regenerate because “They'll get it all wrong without me”. When he says “Doctor I let you go” I don't believe it’s necessarily a statement of hope and healing, but more part of the Identity Construction of The Doctor being apart from him, and yes passing the torch, but the torch of being there for the universe for others.

Choosing to continue living out of obligation to others, even if in reality he just wants to die as he is, as himself. Even within the story as I’ve talked about there are more accepting regenerations. The Third, Fourth, Ninth and Eleventh Doctor’s are all more accepting of the change. Twelve himself’s more honest version he presents of who he is and what he’s been through could be connected to a Doctor who had to stay in the wake of his actions.

Overall Twelve displays a great deal of struggle with mental health, Flashbacks, Hyperarousal, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, obsessive thoughts, fatigue, unstable beliefs, constructed identity, traumatic implicit programming, agitation, recklessness, attachment issues, enmeshment, low self-confidence, self-injury and suicidal ideation. This regeneration has a gruff and more honest projection of himself and is more honest about his own difficulties, with Clara mostly. This Doctor is interesting as someone who lives in the wake of some of the lowest actions of Eleventh regeneration as well as the highest moment of saving Gallifrey.

Using the lens of trauma I believe we can get a lot of insight into Twelve's character and help understand this character who is often viewed in a reductionist manner.

[Also Posted on my Archive of Our Own page in a series with the other doctor study posts]

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archmage--khadgar · 5 years ago

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Hia! I always feel happy when I see one of your posts pop up on here c: why do you like Khadgar?

*Stares into space* OH GOD THIS IS gonna probably be a long post. HERE WE GO.So uh. I always really like Karazhan and the lore around it, hardcore fell in love with Medivh and pretty much ANYTHING in game that was connected I ate it up. I got the urn, the keys, all the rings, all the rep, you name it. I tried SO HARD to get Atiesh from the old Naxx but that didn’t happen. (I AM STILL SAD ABOUT THAT.) So that was -kind of- the start. In order for the next part to make sense, need to sidestep and backtrack a wee bit for context.Not to be all sob story, but I gotta be honest, I spent most of my childhood alone (either outside or in my room), reading, playing out epic stories with my toys, exploring the outdoors, and most of my social interactions with people I was either being bullied by kids at school or my mother. And y’know, despite all the stories I read or watched on t.v it was a loooong while before there were characters that made me go….”Holy SHIT I know what that’s like!?” Like there was a difference, to me, between characters like Michelangelo and Beetlejuice that I REALLY WANTED to hang out with, and then a character that made me go….”I know exactly how that character feels. What happened to them, happened to me.”Digimon was the show that broke that mold for me when not only were there two characters who had DIVORCED PARENTS!??? Like me, there was a girl who had a REALLY BAD and unhealthy relationship with her mother. (But she was still powered by love, which was awesome.)This kinda started getting me into other stuff because the more characters I found that I could relate to, the easier it was to explain how I felt to strangers and it made friend finding a little bit easier. FAST FORWARDING A LITTLE BIT.

So I certainly have a character -type- that I relate to the most. And it’s chaotic bookwork with anxiety. Fun fact: I am always dubbed “the twilight sparkle” of friend groups IRL because I was always, ALWAYS the one who was solving friendship problems and I did that looong before the show. OOPH. THE BIG PROBLEM. Was that it was getting to the point where all the chaotic bookworms were either: Evil, female (and I love gals, but that’s not my gender identity ORZ), or like. largely hated by the fandom and were always mocked.Or some combination.SO LIKE. Hey, I get introduced to Medivh and his TOWER OF BOOKS and all that shit and it’s like “Fuck yeah sign me up bro, living alone? Shitty mom? I feel you.” But then, y’know. He was a wee bit possessed and not. Exactly the good guy SO THERE WAS THAT.And then. There was Khadgar.I hadn’t been able to find the last guardian book yet, though I had read about the lore highlights online so I was familiar and stuff.And then WoD came out. And Khadgar! Was doing stuff! Which got me excited because it was more of the Lore that I really liked, and during MoP, I was hardcore going…”THE LEGION IS COMING BAAAACK. I JUST KNOW IT. CAUSE WE DIDN’T KILL KJ. SKREE.” I got called crazy and stupid a few times BUT HEY. Jokes on you fuckers I was *right*.Anyways!That first quest chain into Tannan rolls in. And it’s just. Khadgar. Being Khadgar. “Well, then I guess we owe you one.” scene hit every…“Oh fucking god bless Khadgar for the sarcastic sass”Because I really enjoy sarcasm and it’s more obvious in voice chat or in-person but my sass rhythm and tone, especially if I’m ranting is veeery similar to Khadgar’s sass.And then the PUNS. Listen. *Listen*. I hear an opportunity for a pun and I have to take it. I have to. If I try to hold it in my face starts smiling like the Cheshire cat and I sometimes let out a high pitched “eeeeeee” until given permission. After that quest chain, I quickly noticed that no one had rolled a Khadgar blog. No one! And well, I was all about having a blog where I could be free to make jokes all the time. IIRC, my first post was…”The party has arrived~!” Or something like that. I honestly didn’t expect much to happen cause I didn’t have any friends or anything like that and all the wow blogs all pretty much had their followings already and I was uh…a WEE BIT ALONE. But I was like “well even if this blog doesn’t go off I’ll at least have an outlet where I can just be me where no one will harass me.”Cause gotta be honest, I’ve never been well-liked. There was never a place for bookworms who liked puns and had anxiety in the world I lived in. If I acted like myself I was hated, and in order to fit in, I had to be someone else, which was a ditzy stupid, lazy girl. I wasn’t allowed to be trans, (still not back in Maine), or smart, and….yeah. But hey! On tumblr, I can RP a male character that had my same sense of humor and sass and BE MYSELF and NOT BE A GIRL and all my IRL haters wouldn’t be able to stop me.And then uh, A THING HAPPENED. I no longer have the original blog because of reasons I’ll mention later, so I CAN’T REMEMBER who first started sending me asks but I know @kiyastrasza was one of them (she passed away suddenly a few months ago and I miss her SO MUCH.) But then like, I DON’T KNOW. I know I got a few initial asks because “fuck yeah finally a khadgar blog” and honestly, I thought my blog was rubbish because it was 80% me just being my sassy nerd self and 20% studying his word usage for more serious things and getting my hands on every scrap of Khadgar related lore.”So I fully expected to get called out on being canon divergent or a shitty Khadgar or SOMETHING. Or have people ONCE AGAIN be like….”This character archetype is annoying and stupid and we all fucking hate him and hate you for rping him.”But that didn’t happen. In fact the EXACT OPPOSITE HAPPENED.My ask box kept getting filled with puns to be approved, rhyming his name with stuff became a thing and now even BLIZZ says “Dadgar” like jfc what even.And then like. I don’t even know, a lot of it is a blur because it all happened so fast but the BIGGEST THING.Was that for the first time ever, being myself wasn’t met with bullying and hate and people telling me to shut up and go away or anything like that.People -loved- Khadgar in-game. And people -loved- finding a Khadgar blog that “when I read their posts I can hear Khadgar’s voice”. And better yet? KHADGAR WASN’T A VILLAIN! (Don’t get me wrong, I loooove AU’s but imagine being a kid and you can only ever connect to villains and then people hate you anyways IT DOESN’T FEEL TOO GREAT).And uh. Yeah. I don’t really know where to go with this. But yeah! It was the first time where I felt like nothing was wrong with who I was. That there was nothing wrong with being book smart and having a sense of humor and looking death in the face and just eye-rolling and going “Well aiight.”I mean hell yeah there’s been an epic shit ton of drama with people being jealous and making shit up and who the hell even knows what any of that was about anymore, and there’s still plenty of bullshit in my life keeping me otherwise miserable and I’m getting really frustrated that every goal I try to accomplish gets utterly destroyed in some way and I’m currently an emotional husk and I 100% HAVE NOT been myself lately as I’m a mix of grieving and severely hurt and physically ill and I’ve been broken pretty damn hard and when I pull myself back together it’s probably going to be like. 11th Doctor just turning into cranky 12 and not being pleasant BUT. The muse is still strong, the muse is honestly probably the strongest thing about me. Not because I think that I’m actually, really Khadgar and that’s ME you’re talking to in game and Azeroth is real, etc, etc. But it’s strong because that type of muse was already something that was effortless for me and part of my personality foundation. And before the blog it was withering away and crumbling and I had no self-love to keep it going anymore and then the blog happened, and even though I still have 0 self-love, I genuinely hate myself, the love from others healed it, and my love for the character, I think, is my subconscious finding a weird loophole to get around the self-hate because I CAN’T HATE KHADGAR, and fucking hell whenever I make a pun irl and someone is a shithead about it or calls me annoying over voice chat, my brain is like. “Yeah, but if Khadgar were real. He’d laugh.” And eventually, it’s like….”OKAY FINE. IT WAS FUNNY. THAT PERSON IS JUST A SHITHEAD.” I can’t remember where I was going with that. Uhhhhhh……SOMETHING SOMETHING.I absolutely hate myself and feel as if I’m undeserving of love because I’m a horrible, broken person that makes stupid mistakes and is only good for hurting others and being a bitchB U TI hate myself a little bit less when I RP a character, like Khadgar, that lines up with one of my personality foundations, and the general response to it is people loving it and telling them I make them happy. I’ve still had more hate directed at me in the past (and sadly the present) than I have love. But uh. It doesn’t take much love to get me all sappy and crying and happy. (Hate is a tossup, a lot of hate I can take but certain, specific things will strike me hard and fast).SO LIKE. Uh. I know the majority of my foundation at the moment is either destroyed or heavily damaged, cause I’ve also been heckin angry a lot lately and I don’t know how to deal with that at all since it’s something new so a lot of my foundation wasn’t protected against that, and I’ve certainly died emotionally a few times more this year than my normal rate of it taking a couple years or more to emotionally die and regenerate. BUT THE PART that’s still holding fast and bouncing off all the negative self-destructive shit is because of Khadgar, and all 1,297 of you (give or take) that’ve either stuck with this blog since the beginning and through a blog deletion and change or have come recently. That send in everything from ARCANE MEAT to puns, to AU ideas to random nice things SO UH. This is turning into an awkward unexpected thank you, to all of you. dashjkIt’s more than likely that I will live the rest of my life absolutely hating myself, and it’s possible that the rest of my foundations may never heal or be repaired. Even though I can easily attach some of them to characters like Khadgar for the most part, I just….eh. I dunno. No outlet and it’s not prompted ever and…it hurts still cause they’re broken. Which, eh, whatever, healing can’t be forced or half-assed, cause you can’t expect a broken leg to heal as fast as a papercut, all you can do is wait and let things heal or you’ll make it worse, but then obviously you can’t heal EVERYTHING otherwise no one would ever be disabled, but REGARDLESS.I may always hate myself. But I’ll always love Khadgar. And YOU guys love Khadgar. And you enjoy me rping Khadgar. So then I guess MAAAAYBE.It helps. With making it worth. Sticking around for a little bit longer. :T

#THIS GOT SO LONG I'M SO SORRY #it won't let me put it under a cut SKREEE #long post #lothirielswan

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timelord-winchester-22b · 6 years ago

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Important day

So this was requested back in December (ugh, sorry) for a fic where Twelve goes forward in time to comfort the reader after regeneration. Well it was due to the Tardis’ interfering but all the same. (bless Sexy) Thought I’d get it up in time to be read before Thirteen properly appears.

Word count:2526

(cuddles for comfort)

The Doctor didn’t know what he was expecting due to the Tardis’ most recent hyjacking of his driving, but one thing he did not expect was to check the monitor and find an image of you outside. This was, of course, due to the fact that you were currently pulling yourself up from the floor on the opposite side of the console. He looked from you to the screen again, double and triple checking that it was most certainly you. With a little more close scrutiny he realised that the version of you that was outside, sitting on the grass beside a tree and looking up at the Tardis in surprise, was a bit older than the you that was moving around the console to ask where they’d landed. Not enough for anyone else to notice, but he could see the extra years in your eyes like you saw in his. A shade duller than they were now. He wondered what could have happened to you in the time you’d gone from one you to the other.

“Um, a place” He eventually answered evasively, shifting around the console away from you, taking the monitor with him. You frowned at him, suspicious now.

“Okay then, any idea why we’ve been taken to this ‘place’?” You tried again, crossing your arms as you stared the man down. “She only takes us places herself when it’s a place we need to be right? People and planets in need of saving?”

“I don’t think that’s the case this time” The Doctor mumbled in response, deepening your frown. “I think… it’s just one person” He fiddled with the screen as he spoke, zooming out on the camera. He narrowed his eyes at the screen, taking particular note of another Tardis in the background. The door opened a little and someone stepped out only slightly, just enough for him to see through the monitor. The woman looked around the same age as you outside, short blonde hair just barely brushing the shoulders of the tattered coat that hung off her. The Doctor’s coat. Singed and torn and several sizes too big now, but unmistakable to him.

The obviously newly regenerated him looked meaningfully at the hidden camera on the outside of the Tardis before directing her gaze to where you were sat under the tree, facing away from her. The Doctor seemed to realise something and he knew it showed in his expression when a gentle hand covered his own, resting on the edge of the console. He shifted his gaze to the younger you, who was looking at him with a supportive and soft kind of understanding.

“Anything I can do?” You asked softly, keeping your eyes off the screen, knowing he must’ve been hiding it from you for a good reason. He shook his head slowly.

“No I don’t think so” He admitted, covering your hand with his other. “I won’t be long, then we can go again” You nodded, giving his hand a quick squeeze before he released yours. You stood by the console and watched as he switched the monitor off and headed to the door, opening the door just wide enough for him to slip outside without you seeing past him. You gave a small sigh, hoping to yourself that he would be okay as you sat down at the edge of the console platform. You couldn’t be sure what it was he had seen outside, but by his expression it was something fairly important to him. Something you couldn’t help but think was a very sad and almost touchy subject. But it was his business, you reasoned. If he wanted to include you, he would.

Little did you know, that was exactly what he was doing.

You stood quickly to your feet as he exited the Tardis, the confusion leaving your expression as you quickly wiped at your eyes, surprise still evident. There was an uncomfortably tight feeling in his chest at the sight of you trying to hide your tears.

“Doctor” You whispered in near wonder, eyes wide as you took him in. You looked him over like you hadn’t seen him in years, but he knew it couldn’t have been more than a day since regeneration, maybe two depending on how hectic things were directly after. He had a habit of getting into trouble directly after regeneration. Oh who was he kidding, he had that habit all the time.

“Hello (Y/N)” He greeted, smiling softly.

“What… what are you doing here?” You asked in the same soft voice, shaking your head slightly.

“I heard from a very reliable source that you might need me just now” He explained vaguely. You glanced over your shoulder at the other Tardis, the doors now closed. But you were certain that the other Doctor must be watching. She wouldn’t be able to help herself. You cleared your throat a little, glancing at the Doctor in front of you from the corner of your eye, trying to fight back the tears that came from just his presence. Sure he was back now, but if the Doctor had called her past self back, it was so you could say goodbye. He had tried to keep it from you for as long as he could, tried to keep you from worrying and he apparently didn’t want to upset you. But you didn’t think he had meant to hide it from you until that very last moment. Knowing him, it was getting harder to tell you every moment that he didn’t, and then it was too late. By the time you had been fed up with whatever he was keeping secret and had demanded he explain to you, he barely had time to tell you what was happening before he was telling you to get back. And then he was gone.

The man standing in front of you meant for sure that it would be the last time you saw him. Sure, you were a time traveller, but you had seen and done enough with the Doctor to know that messing around with time never ended well. You knew for a fact that you had never seen yourself while travelling with the Doctor, meaning you couldn’t go back. The Doctor was still watching you, getting more awkward with each passing moment. He shifted uncomfortably and you couldn’t help but smile slightly.

“I’m fine” You told him, properly meeting his gaze. His awkwardness faded now that you had spoke and he smiled softly.

“Am I supposed to believe that?” He asked softly with no small amount of humour. You laughed a little, shaking your head as tears gathered at your eyes.

“No, I guess not” You admitted. He looked at you a second before sighing, gesturing you forward.

“Alright, c’mere”

You didn’t even think before rushing into his awaiting arms, pushing your way under his coat and wrapping your arms around his middle with no intention of letting go. He held you close to him and you felt safe, wrapped in his coat with his chin sitting on top of your head. You wanted to just appreciate the moment, but you couldn’t stop thinking about how this would be your very last moments with this man.

Before you could stop yourself or even properly register what you were doing, you were crying again, practically sobbing into his collar. His arms tightened around you and he shifted slightly to speak softly in your ear, muttering reassurances. He was patient, rubbing your back and stroking your hair, talking quietly until you’d calmed down. You sniffed and wiped your eyes when you finally released him, pulling back to look at him properly.

“Is she- Is she still you?” You asked almost nervously. He smiled, giving you a slight nod.

“I know it’s scary, and it’s different, and it may be hard to believe, but she’s me. She is definitely the Doctor. You’ll get used to it” He assured you. “You are sure that’s me?” He asked suddenly, frowning as he glanced over at the other Tardis. You let out a short laugh, nodding as you wiped at the remainders of your tears.

“Yeah. You regenerated and she came out the other side” You told him. He nodded slowly.

“Huh, who would’ve thought”

“You’ll get used to it” You repeated a him, smiling a little. He smiled sadly back at you.

“She’ll need you, you know” He reminded you. “Probably more than any other regeneration would’ve. She’s scared too, and it’s all new for her. She needs a friend right now. As will you” You nodded. “Take care of her” You nodded again, smiling as you thought of something.

“Take care of her” You countered, nodding at the Tardis behind him. He smiled.

“Always will” He agreed.

“Same here” You spoke slowly. “Am I… Am I ever gonna see you again?” His smile was sad again, the same kind of smile that would confuse him had you done it.

“There’s a possibility” He admitted. “Time travel and all” You nodded, glancing back at the Tardis you had come from. Now, if never again, you needed to be strong, you decided. For you and for the Doctor.

“I’d better go” You told him reluctantly. “We’ve both got someone waiting for us” You hesitated. “Goodbye Doctor”

“Goodbye (Y/N)” He returned, watching you as you turned and headed back. You stopped at the doors, turning back to see him reaching his.

“Doctor” You called, making him turn. You smiled, remembering something. “Take her to Darillium” You told him. He paled suddenly, looking shocked and almost scared.

“What?”

“Me” You corrected, gesturing to his Tardis. “I mean me. Take me to Darillium”

“Why?” He asked suspiciously.

“Because that’s where you took me today” You said like it was obvious. You frowned then. “Oh, that sounded weird. Tenses are hard. But the day the Tardis took us somewhere, and you wouldn’t tell me where. When the monitor made you look concerned and you weren’t gone for long, you came back inside and told me you were taking me to see the towers that sing in the wind, and you said it had been recommended to you. That was the day you told me about River Song” The Doctor straightened almost imperceptibly. “That day was important to me, and it all makes sense now”

You smiled once more, entering the Tardis and looking back at the Doctor one last time before you closed the door behind you. You found the new Doctor sitting on the seat away from the console, inspecting her nails and shifting, not meeting your eye. You couldn’t help but smile, knowing full well that she had been watching you on the monitor just a moment ago.

“Have you eaten something?” You asked, moving to lean against the console opposite her. She looked up at you, sitting forward.

“Do you want to leave?” She asked, ignoring your question. You smiled a little.

“Nah, too much fun here” You grinned, eliciting a smile from her. “Now, you eaten?” She shook her head and you gave a small nod. “Alright then, food first. Any requests?”

“Thank you. For staying” The Doctor said in response. You couldn’t help but laugh a little at that.

“Is that going to be a thing in this regeneration? Never answering my questions?” You asked with a grin. She smiled.

“It might be” She admitted. You simply smiled, taking her hand and leading her to the kitchen to find something she liked.

“There’s no place I’d rather be” You told her as you walked.

The Doctor walked back into his Tardis, closing the door behind him. He stood in the doorway a moment, biting his nails and looking deep in thought. You moved to stand on the other side of the console to see him better.

“You alright?” You asked him hesitantly. Something told you that you wouldn’t get a proper answer, but you just had to ask. He looked up, silent for another moment more as he watched you.

“I… am going to take you to see the singing towers” he declared suddenly. You blinked a moment.

“Sorry, what?”

“It was… recommended to me, by a friend” He told you, moving to the console to put the co-ordinates in. “The singing towers of Darillium. Marvellous sight really. Did you know there’s a restaurant there. Out in the middle of nowhere, they built it just to see the towers. Way off in the distance, there’s a view of the whole thing. Two massive towers of rock, reaching up into the sky. A natural phenomenon where they appear to sing in the wind. We’re going to see them”

“Doctor” You said suddenly, making him pause just as he was about to dematerialise.

“Yes (Y/N)?”

“Why there? Why all of the sudden?” You asked, tilting you head slightly in curiosity. He thought for a moment, trying to come up with what to tell you. He couldn’t exactly say he was taking you there because future you told him to, now could he? He smiled a little at the thought of the girl. You in the future. Endlessly brave. But you were brave right now, he reminded himself. When he glanced up at you again, he realised you were still waiting for an answer, so he said the first thing that came to mind.

“It’ll all make sense one day” Was all he told you. Knowing the Doctor’s habit of being cryptic, you simply nodded, trying your best to put that away for later, trying to remember that one little moment. But you never had to try too hard. That day was very important to you. Twice actually.

#doctor who #doctor who x reader #doctor who reader insert #x reader #reader insert #doctor who fic #twelfth doctor #12 #thirteenth doctor #13 #twelve x reader #thirteen x reader #doctor x reader

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youremyonlyhope · 6 years ago

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The Beast Below

Maybe I’ll start renaming episodes like I did for Torchwood...

AKA “Humans Suck.” Nah... I’m gonna have to use that title too many times.

AKA “Liz10 is the best thing to happen to the Royal Family since Meghan Markle”

No but seriously, the first time I watched this in 2012, it blew my mind that Liz10 could be black. I was like “Wow! They’re implying that in the future, black people marry into the Royal Family.” If you had told me that 6 years later a mixed girl would do just that, I’d have laughed. Because I was thinking at least a couple of decades from now. Kate had just married Will like 3 months earlier. Who knows what Harry was up to. But nope. Meghan Markle came around. And Liz10 is closer to being real. (Assuming the royal family keeps the crown... we’ll see what happens.)

Nope. All the nope to those faces. “Expect no love from the beast below.” Except literally the kids can only expect love. Extra nope to that 3rd face. “That is the one thing I’ve always stuck to in all my travels. I don’t get involved in the affairs of other peoples or planets.” Suuuurreee you don’t, Doctor. I love him showing up in the screen. The lady drinking water from a wine glass is me. “There’s an escaped fish.” Amazing. And here I was like “Whoever this lady in the cloak is, I love her already.” “What will Amy Pond choose?” Already foreshadowing Amy’s Choice. Heeey Magpie Electrical. I love that that continues to be an Easter Egg. “Help us, Doctor. You’re our only hope.” Ok, see, my brain automatically filled in “you’re my only hope” and I was like “Hope, you’re being dumb, that’s Star Wars” but then no, Doctor Who made a Star Wars reference. Also literally this whole scene I was like “I love her so much already.” Throwing in “marital status” for drama. She’s crying and doesn’t know why... like in Vincent and the Doctor (for other reasons). “Democracy in action.” Yeah... “Are you Scottish too?” “Oh I’m worse than Scottish” and in a regeneration you’ll be Scottish and worse than Scottish. “You look human.” “No, you look Time Lord.” “I’d love to forget it all, every last bit of it, but I don’t.” Buuuutttt you did. Mandy’s weird smile when Liz10 unmasks. “If this is the mouth I’d love to see the stomach! *Growls* Though not right now.” Them getting up was such a plot twist. “And so much for the Virgin Queen, you bad, bad boy.” Now that I think about it... that’s pretty... adult for a family show. Also, foreshadowing.

“I’m the bloody Queen, mate. Basically, I rule.” And in that moment, I sold my soul to Liz10.

I forgot these guys were Smilers too. I appreciate that whoever built this ship was like “Oh, we gotta make the Tower of London look just like the real one. Wooden doors, stone walls.” “For some reason it won’t eat the children.” FOR SOME REASON. Ok this is an emotional scene, hearing the beast’s cries, but I just noticed that Amy has one perfect curl coming out of her hair. Either this means Amy’s hair is naturally curly with like a 2c/3a curl, or the costume team curled it and forgot that she’s supposed to be covered in dried up vomit. The 200 years reveal was crazy the first time. “Forget” “Abdicate” wow the stakes are higher for the Queen. Ok... well... yes, when a normal person presses Protest they die... BUT they don’t know they’ll die, they think they’re just protesting. The Queen knows what Abdicate entails. Ok it’s worse, I forgot that part of the Abdicate thing is that not only does her reign end and the Star Whale gets released, they think they’ll all die if that happens. “You don’t ever decide what I need to know.” Eleven’s scary in this moment. “And then I find a new name because I won’t be the Doctor anymore.” This shows that he really feels like he constantly has to earn that name and is ready to change it at any time. Does he remember the Warrior at this point? I know he tries to forget him. Or maybe he’s thinking of the Warrior, and doesn’t want that to happen again, especially since he only feels like he re-earned the Doctor title only a few years earlier.

Also. Oh my god. The War Doctor forgets the whole saving Gallifrey thing immediately during regeneration. So Nine thinks that he killed everyone. So he either picked the name of the Doctor after that regeneration to either forget that he ever stopped considering himself the Doctor, or to remind himself to be the Doctor. Hmmm.... I’m 2 seasons ahead of myself so I’m gonna stop here.

I love that Amy compares the Doctor to the Beast. Coming to save the children. I forgot how touching this ending is. I’m getting emotional. OH MY GOD that transition. That powerpoint-like transition. That HAD to have been a Star Wars reference. I laughed out loud in the middle of this emotional moment. Here I am like “Does she go back to the present next episode? What even is the next episode?” then the phone rings and I’m like “CHURCHILL.” Ohhh that Dalek shadow. The crack! I forgot about that. OH GOD THAT DRAMATIC ZOOM IN. MOFFAT, YOU NEVER WORKED ON TORCHWOOD. YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE TO BE DOING ZOOM INS LIKE THAT.

Foreshadowing: “What will Amy Pond choose?” Amy crying but not knowing why like in Vincent and the Doctor. Accidentally foreshadowing a Scottish Doctor. Accidentally foreshadowing the 50th Anniversary because of the not-so-Virgin Queen. Accidentally foreshadowing that he can feel ashamed enough to stop considering himself to be the Doctor. The stupid crack. I’m still not over the dramatic zoom in on the crack. Oh my god. That was a Torchwood level dramatic zoom in.

#hope rewatches doctor who #ignore me if you want #meant to post this last night at like 1am and didn't and just now saw it was still in my drafts oops

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nirah10 · 7 years ago

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[Heads up: Infinity War spoilers ahead! I’ll mark where the spoilers are so that you can skip those parts if you want]

From Abby,

Six thousand, eight hundred and twenty-six Americans have died while serving in Afghanistan and Iraq since 2001. My dad was one of them, he died in 2007 while serving in Iraq. About two hundred thousand civilians and eighty thousand fighters from Afghanistan and Iraq have also died. War is ugly, brutal and there will always be losers on both sides, no side and no man walks away unscratched from war.

Two of my brothers are currently serving overseas as well, they followed in our father’s footsteps. My twenty-five-year-old brother is currently on the ground in Iraq, where our dad died eleven years ago. Our other brother, who is twenty-three, is currently in Syria. I’m seventeen and still in high school but worry about them both every day.

Comic book superheroes annoy me. As a lot seem to glorify being a solider and the action and endurance that is needed for that kind of life- but don’t really show the other side of it.

They show the bravery and the battles and the superheroes walk about making sacrifice, but no one ever actually dies. Small side characters that don’t get more than a couple of minutes screen time, people killed in the first five minutes of the movie that the main character loves but the audience doesn’t have time to get attached to for character building purposes and villains die, but the death of central characters in these movies are very rare- despite a brutal enemy, the soldiers often being reckless, and very low odds, they always seem to get through out much damage.

Which I find problematic for several seasons.

Life is valuable. So, so valuable. But bad things do happen and people die. My dad died. He was brave and he died. My brothers joined up to the army, and they know they might die. Yet they did it anyway. One of my brothers will often write me letters, and sometimes he will describe to me what music he wants at his funeral if he died- there is a joking tone to the letter, but there is a deepness behind them as well. My other brother is less open with talking about it, they both have different coping mechanisms to cope with that anxiety.

War and violence is not light- there is always pain and death on other sides. Unlike the wars in the superhero movies, the death and pain is never just on one side. The sacrifices are real.

That’s what I find so troubling about the Marvel movies. They talk up the sacrifices, show bravery, take crazy risks but we never see the reality of those sacrifices. They are always insanely violent films, but despite all the heroes walking about sacrifice, they still always manage to walk away. Even in movies like Captain American: Civil War, all the Iron Man movies, the Superman movies and the other eighteen or so Marvel movies, no one really central to the story or the team really get hurt. And if they do die, there seems to be a ‘reset button’ to bring them back. I hate the re-set, bring them back to life button.

Maybe I just sound like a bitter teenager. But I really hope they don’t just re-set the whole Infinity War film series. I feel like they can’t just all walk away.

[Spoilers begin here!]

A lot of my friends are critical of Avengers 3 and think they will let everyone come back, in Avengers 4, but I don’t think so though.

I’m guessing they will have to bring certain heroes, like Spiderman back, because he has another Spiderman movie coming up. But I don’t think it will be as easy as stealing the stones back and turning back the clock.

Film theory here:

They really built up the idea of an Iron Man/Spiderman father and son like relationship in the last three movies: Civil War, Homecoming and Avengers.

Iron Man has been active since 2008, has had three of his own films, three Avengers films and has appeared in about five other Marvel universe films.

I think they might retire Iron Man in the next film, and they might have been why they have been pushing his bond with the fifteen year old Peter Parker so much. Most of the other Avengers are not really on speaking terms with Tony, but he has that loyal little kid.

I think Iron Man is going to scarifie himself to bring Spiderman back.

I’m sure Spidey is coming back, because of Homecoming 2. I don’t think it is going to be as easy as it is in other Marvel Films though. I think Iron Man, the most famous Avenger of all, who has had the most screen time out of all of them, might permanently die, and I think it will be tied into his relationship with Peter.

And it might not just be Tony. The young Avengers, like Black Panther, were killed off while the originals, like Captain American survived. I think they might do a swap in the next movie.

Marvel has been accused of having a ‘problem with death’ as they keep on binging people back. I think they know this and know everyone is expecting all the Avengers to come back. I think there will be real death and sacrifice in part 4 though, I don’t think they will just ‘re-set’ it like some of my friends do.

[Spoilers are done! ^_^]

What do you think will happen?

Any theories?

Also, with the way you have talked about not liking Moffat’s re-set button, I have a feeling unlike Marvel you are not afraid to kill characters, and I am nervous but kinda excited (but mainly nervous), because I think you might be the type of kill of main characters as well as side characters like Dex (RIP).

I always talk up a big game about wanting more central characters to be killed off, but I am really, really nervous as well. Because I have kind of fallen in love with some characters; Harry, Nista and Kel in particular. Just please don’t hurt my three babies. Those three will be okay right?

Also, this is my last year of high school and I started reading your story when I was in grade ten- wow how time passes. I love this series so much. I used to hate Kel and now I really kind of love him.

Dear Abby,

I’m so sorry to har about you dad. Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us.

I’m not a fan at all of how popular it is these days to just “un-do” death. I get it in some situations, especially sci-fis, where it makes sense but it seems like I see resurrections on TV now more than I see legitimate deaths. I think authors are robbing themselves by doing that as well as doing a disservice to their fans. By constantly bringing characters back, their decisions and the risks they take have no real value. Nothing is really a sacrifice and nothing is really a risk. The fear and grief associated with death is completely swept away because audiences are just thinking to themselves “they’ll be back”.

I believe in consequences. I believe in characters, hero or villain, being held accountable for the choices they make and for facing the consequences of the things that they do.

With the characters I have, there are obviously some resurrections that happen. The Time Lords can regenerate or heal others and Jack is immortal. Because of this, I sometimes use “death” as a way to cause a change or reveal information and, when I do so, I don’t try to present it as a real death. The characters expect the Time Lords to regenerate, everyone knows that Jack is immortal, and when Kel “died”, he was immediately healed (conveniently wiping out Harry’s ability to regenerate or heal again for a while). None of those were meant to be death scenes; they are scenes that are there to bring about change in either the characters or the plot. If I ever give you guys a scene in which a character dies and it isn’t immediately made clear that they’re coming back somehow, they’re dead. Declan is dead. He is not coming back. When the time comes for other characters, they’ll be dead too.

To me, the return-to-life thing started as a cool twist that could be used to bring a surprise happy ending but now it seems to be a cheat code for writers to have their characters do whatever they want, have a big dramatic scene, and then immediately erase the consequences. Most of the time, I see it as lazy rather than clever. The constant deaths of Amy and Rory meant that their final episode, in which Rory “died” three times and Amy “died” twice and their final “death” was really them just living their lives out away from the Doctor like normal people, didn’t stir any emotion in me whatsoever. Watching The Princess and the Frog made me cry so hard I had to use my inhaler and I still can’t talk about the ending without tearing up but I did not care in the slightest when Amy and Rory left the show.

I don’t think Marvel has been lazy so far. I think focusing on individual Marvel movies is missing the big picture. They’ve been setting up a very long story and there wasn’t a point in introducing heroes that died before the “finale” of that story. I do think (and hope) that there will be very real consequences for the characters by the time it’s done.

Thank you for sticking with me for so long and I’m so glad that you’re still enjoying the story. I’m also glad to hear that you’ve come to enjoy the characters so much, especially Kel!

I won’t tell you who lives and who dies but I would like to remind you that there are definitely things out there that are worse than death. “Alive at the end” doesn’t necessarily mean “Safe”.

#hello friend #submission

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kuriquinn · 7 years ago

Text

Penthesilea [12/?]

Cover & Disclaimer

Chapter Summary: Even after watching for so long, Sasuke is amazed by the whole process. He has never had occasion or interest to watch the medic ninja treat the wounded or ill, at least not with such a procedure.

Chapter Beta: None beyond my own two eyes and editing software at the moment.

Author’s Note: I am not a doctor, I know nothing about biology, everything I know comes from Grey’s Anatomy and a copious amount of internet research. So anything that doesn’t make sense…it’s ninja magic, okay? Also, a reminder that the abilities in this fic are not perfectly compliant with canon abilities and possibly don’t follow the same logic. It’s an AU, I claim creative license :P

戦国時代

Everyone follows Sakura into the cloth enclosure she has set up, Sasuke sees that several wards have been drawn on the ground in a circle. The symbols resemble chakra seals, but he has never seen these before.

“It limits the number of foreign germs and bacteria in the clean area,” she explains when she perceives his gaze. “Obviously it’s not as effective as an actual surgery, but it will have to do tonight.” She offers an impish grin. “It’s similar to what Mito-sama might have used, so at least we’re in keeping with tradition.”

“Hopefully not too much in keeping,” Tenzō remarks blandly.

Sasuke frowns at him, still not entirely convinced of the importance of his presence here. “Why exactly is he necessary for keeping the jinchūriki safe?”

“You don’t have to talk about me like I’m not here,” Naruto mutters.

Sasuke shoots him a pointed look. “A demon inside you should make you the least likely person here to come to harm. We’re the ones who ought to be worried.”

“The Kyūbi that was sealed within me spent its entire existence hated and feared by men, exploited and used for its power,” Naruto explains sombrely. “It’s taken at least two generations for it to even consider trusting me enough to lend chakra. Even with that being the case, it’s sometimes too much for me and I lose control.”

“If that should happen, Yamato-taichō will stop it,” Sakura concludes.

Sasuke narrows his eyes. “And does this loss of control happen often?”

“Not as much as when I was a kid,” Naruto says with a small chuckle, rubbing the back of his head ruefully.

Itachi and Sasuke exchange wary glances. Sakura notes this, and scoffs. “It doesn’t matter. Naruto is only insurance—I’m the one expending chakra here, not him. You were worried about the safety of this, and I’ve provided at least two fail safes. If that doesn’t make you worry less, there’s not point to us being here tonight.”

A challenge rings in her words.

“You’re right, Sakura-san,” Itachi says, tone coolly polite in the presence of others. “We have already risked much to meet tonight, it would be a pointless exercise if we didn’t continue with it.”

She bows her head, then raises an eyebrow at Sasuke, as if to ask if he’s satisfied. He nods.

Apparently validated, Sakura brusquely orders Itachi and Sasuke to disrobe and lie on the pallets that she has prepared for them. While they do that, she tells the woman—Ayame, Sasuke recalls—to fetch her several buckets of water and her father Teuchi to stoke up the fire.

“This is a minimally invasive procedure, but we are disposing of deadened cells. They must be destroyed as soon as I extract them,” Sakura explains to them. “I’ll do my best not to come in direct contact with any genetic material. If I’m unable to avoid it, though, may I have your permission to handle your blood?”

“We would not be here if you did not already have that permission,” Itachi informs her quietly.

“Thank you.”

From a small kit of medical instruments nearby, Sakura brings out a tiny pouch of earth coloured capsules and removes two. She hands them to Sasuke.

“These are stimulants,” she explains to him. “They will increase the amount of blood in your system—and thus bone marrow. The more we have, the easier it will be to extract.” Sasuke tosses them back, swallowing them dry, but still winces at the taste that hits the back of his tongue. “You need to lie still now. Your blood cells will multiply and get thicker, which will cause some side-effects—dizziness, headache, shortness of breath…it’s all normal. But if you notice anything like that, you have to tell me. All right?”

Sasuke nods.

“Don’t just agree and decide to tough it out,” she warns him. “Thick blood has the potential to cause a stroke. You are not to die under my care, do you hear me?”

“Heh, she knows you all right,” Naruto sniggers, and then gives a sharp cry when Sakura reaches out and smacks him. “Hey!��

“You antagonising him will not help!” she snaps. “Make yourself useful! You and Yamato-taishō are to keep an eye out for any sign that things aren’t going well, understand?”

“Understood,” Naruto gulps, as she turns to Kakashi.

“And you…you weren’t expected, but you can still be of use,” she informs him. “I assume you have some medical training, yes?”

“Enough to handle trauma in the field,” Kakashi allows; Sasuke suspects it’s impossible to be such close friends to Rin and not pick up a few skills.

“Skills like what? Stitching up wounds with twine or putting in a catheter?” she challenges.

“Either, if I have to.”

“Good. Then wash up and be ready to assist me if I need another pair of hands,” she tells him, reaching for the two large buckets that Ayame brings her. One is filled to the brim with water while the other is empty. Settling down between her two patients, Sakura leans over to meet Itachi’s gaze. “I’m going to begin to process to extract all the unhealthy bone marrow in your body. This is a long procedure, and excrucaitingly painful. I will have to put you to sleep.”

“No,” Itachi says right away, earning a glare.

“I don’t have time for stubborn Uchiha men,” she snaps. “I’m a healer, not a torturer. You cannot be screaming during this procedure—and yes, you will scream, I don’t care how much of a legendary of a warrior you are.” She extracts a tiny vial from her hip-pack. “This will knock you out for the next eight hours and you will take it right now.”

Itachi scowls, but does as he is told. Sasuke can’t help being a little amused at the sight of his brother being bossed around by the tiny medic.

“You’re not used to people saying ‘no’ to you, are you?” Itachi mutters as his eyelids flutter shut, and he goes still on his pallet.

“You’ll thank me for that,” Sakura tells the unconscious man, a grim smile on her face. She explains to Sasuke, “It’s not just the pain of the extraction I’m hoping to spare him. I have to keep any healing to a minimum during the procedure.”

“Why?”

“Medical ninjutsu mostly involves regenerating cells,” Kakashi interjects. “If you regenerate the same cells you just got rid of, you’ll be here forever.”

Sakura nods. “And the longer we have to repeat the process, the more likely it is we could trigger shock or sepsis.”

“And if that happens?” Sasuke challenges.

“Then we treat him—minimally—and start over from whatever stage of the process we’re in,” Sakura says. “It’s not ideal…but it’s all we can do with what we have.”

Everyone is silent, and the atmosphere of the room is heavy with tension.

“This is your last opportunity to stop this,” she goes on seriously. “Once I start…I won’t be able to stop without seriously compromising his health.”

Sasuke turns his head to study his brother’s face, peaceful in his unconsciousness. He wants to see that untroubled expression for many years yet.

“Begin,” he tells her.

戦国時代

Time passes, although Sasuke isn’t entirely sure of how much. The symptoms Sakura warned him about—dizziness and a pounding headache—make thinking a chore. All he can do is watch as she works on his brother, her face set in a permanent frown of effort.

There is a seal drawn on Itachi’s chest, right across his sternum, and encircled by similar warding characters to those which surround the two pallets. They gleam occasionally in the firelight, with the same blue-green shine of Sakura’s chakra, no doubt fighting off foreign bodies as she works. Even after watching for so long, Sasuke is amazed by the whole process. He has never had occasion or interest to witness a medic ninja treat the wounded or ill, at least not with such a procedure.

After placing her hand in the bucket, Sakura draws together a ball of water and then presses it into Itachi’s body; though he is unconscious, his frame jerks when she does this. She concentrates for several minutes and then draws the globule back out of his skin. In it, Sasuke sees a blackish-purple sludge.

“All of that should be bright red,” she remarked the first time she did this, and Sasuke felt sick.

That was all inside Itachi? No wonder he has been so ill.

The waste is thrown into a wooden container which Teuchi tosses in the fire at once. Yamato uses his wood mastery to provide another container for the next handful of blackened blood that Sakura pulls from Itachi’s body.

With every extraction, his skin changes from pale and smooth to mottled and bruised.

As the hours tick by, Naruto and Yamato sit by in edgy silence; Naruto appears to be focussing on something while Yamato observes him warily. Sakura occasionally pauses and inspects her patients’ vitals. She asks about Sasuke’s symptoms, while Kakashi measures Itachi’s pulse. Sometimes she frowns and uses a tiny amount of healing chakra on one area of his body or another. Each time she does, Sasuke knows that time will be added to the already lengthy procedure. Sweat gathers on Sakura’s brow, mopped by Ayame when she comes by with refilled buckets of water, and twice she lists forward, only to be caught by Kakashi.

“You should take a break,” the older man suggests. “Even just a minute or two might make a difference.”

“A minute or two could kill me patient.”

“If you pass out, he’ll die anyway.”

“I’m not going to pass out, it was just a dizzy spell,” she snaps in irritation. “That happens when you concentrate your chakra for such a long period. This is usually a simple poison-extraction technique—it rarely exceeds half an hour. But I’m not extracting a foreign material, I’m extracting his own cells, which by their nature want to stay there. So stop talking and let me concentrate!”

But in spite of her severe words, Sasuke notices that she seems paler, and there’s a worried crease in her forehead.

“Sakura…you’ve extracted what appears to be the entirety of his blood supply,” Kakashi whispers. “His heart won’t keep beating at this rate.”

“I know.”

“Then how are you going to…?”

He trails off as the seal on Sakura’s forehead glows, and the black, ribbon-like markings snake across her face and down her arms. Sasuke stares in amazement as she presses her left hand flat against Itachi’s chest and the mark stretches beyond her skin onto his brother’s. The bands crisscross over his body, disappearing beneath his hair and clothing, and in his sleep, Itachi’s face contorts in discomfort.

“What the hell are you doing?” Naruto demands, entire frame going tense. “Chakra’s not a permanent replacement for blood! You’ll burn up if you do that!”

“That’s why you’re here, remember?” Sakura bites out, eyes focussed on her task; with her right hand, she continues to draw out the deadened cells even as she feeds her own chakra into Itachi’s body.

“But Sakura—”

“If you see me falter, help me, otherwise stop distracting me.”

Naruto’s fists clench, and Sasuke wants to argue as well, but his tongue is heavy in his mouth and his vision continues to swim. Kakashi continues to look wary, standing nearby in case she falters once more.

The seconds tick by in sync with the beat of Sasuke’s heart, and Sakura’s breathing becomes irregular. When blood suddenly leaks from her nose and the black ribbons encircling Itachi’s body begin to recede, Naruto swears and snaps a hand out. As he grasps her shoulder, there’s a sudden flare of chakra, so strong that Sasuke’s stomach clenches; he’s not a sensor-type, but he can sense the blistering warmth from it as if he was just set alight. Sakura is surrounded by a bubbling, red film of energy, and the mark connecting her to Itachi strengthens again.

“Thanks,” she says through gritted teeth, still digging dead cells out of him. “I’m almost…finished…”

“Sakura…” Sasuke attempts, but his words are slurred.

Her eyes flit briefly to him and then back to her work. “Naruto, cover him as well. I don’t want him succumbing to a blood clot while I can’t help him.”

“Right,” the blond man says and leans over, pressing his hand to Sasuke’s shoulder as well.

If before he felt as if he was set on fire, now he wonders if he wasn’t catapulted into the sun. It is as if every nerve and synapse in his body has suddenly connected, and in his confusion, he imagines he hears a stranger’s voice. Low, deep and ancient, whispering to him.

‘...I am the one who will establish peace and order…two clans…two bloodlines…’

“Kakashi,” Sakura commands, bringing him forcibly back to the present, “connect the intravenous catheters now.” Her hand is still pressed to Itachi’s sternum, but now her other one rests on Sasuke’s as well. “Radial artery in Sasuke’s wrist to median basilic in Itachi’s elbow—do you need me to show you that?”

“No, I’ve got it,” he says, and Sasuke experience a tiny needle prick in his left wrist. “What else?”

“That’s it. I’ll need to stimulate blood flow myself,” she says. “It’s a tricky process—we don’t want any air bubbles or other obstructions passed between patients.”

“That’s it? It’s just a transfusion?”

“The marrow cells will automatically know where to go,” she agrees. “The process usually takes two weeks to a month, but I will speed it up. His system will be as good as new in a few days as long as he rests. He might be weaker for longer though…”

She attempts a confident smile, but it doesn’t stay very long, and then she glances down at Sasuke. “How are you doing?”

“Fine,” he bites out, trying to ignore the ringing in his ears.

“You’ll feel better in a few minutes. Sort of. There will be some more disorientation as the excess blood in your system will be evacuated rather quickly. But don’t worry, I’m protecting your heart from damaging itself.”

“Are you?” he asks dazedly.

She gives him a look he can’t interpret, and then closes her eyes, frowning in concentration. Slowly, he notices a draining sensation, his stomach fluttering as if he is being spun about, and a severe sense of vertigo. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches the trail of his own blood inch through the small tube attached to his brother.

This time he is more aware of the slow crawl of time and knows that still more hours have passed. Sakura’s entire form is shaking beneath the red cloak of chakra, and Naruto sits cross-legged beside her, face scrunched up in concentration.

Eventually, Sakura removes her hand from Sasuke, along with the tube connecting him to his brother.

“Your part in this is over,” she tells him. “Now I simply have to force the cells in Itachi’s body to replicate. I’ll use mine and Naruto’s chakra to cloak the new cells so his body won’t attack them. We’ll see if it works soon enough.”

“Do you need to rest first?” he asks before he can stop himself.

“If I rest now, I may sleep for the next few days,” she tells him, absently brushing his sweat-soaked bangs from his face. Sasuke is distantly aware of two sharp, surprised intakes of breath from Yamato and Naruto, but those pale in importance next to the tiny smile she gives him.

Well, if they didn’t know before…

Sensing that the procedure has come to the most difficult juncture, everyone in the room goes utterly quiet, watching as Sakura works. She makes several hand signs with her free hand, then presses it to Itachi’s chest; a beat later, she uses both hands to shove a generous amount of chakra into him. Itachi’s body arches upward, as if it has been hit by a bolt of electricity, and then—

The red cloak around Sakura disappears, and with it her healing mark.

“Naruto,” she prompts, a warning in her voice, but when she glances up again annoyance gives way to concern. “No.”

Sasuke follows her gaze and sees that the blond man is unnaturally tense, his hands gripping his knee so tightly that they appear to have punctured skin. Which should not be possible—except when Sasuke looks closer, he sees that Naruto’s fingers now have claws.

“What the hell is going on?” he demands, stumbling to his feet; the room spins, reminding that he doesn’t have enough blood in his system to be of much use.

“I can’t…I’m losing…!” Naruto begins through gritted teeth and does Sasuke imagine it or are they getting longer?

Blue eyes flicker in the dim light, turning into red slits, and Yamato’s hands are already forming a seal.

Sasuke tries to put himself between Sakura, Itachi and Naruto, but his limbs falter as if they are made of lead. He is nowhere near in the condition to physically counter…whatever is happening to his erstwhile rival. The other man’s chakra seems to surround him, splitting into nine shapes—like tails.

“Naruto, hold on—” Yamato starts, and several wooden branches burst through the surrounding ground, headed straight for Naruto.

Before he can complete it, a tail-like chakra appendage whips out and tosses the man across the room. There’s a brutal thunk of skull meeting stone, and he slumps into unconsciousness. As Kakashi moves to stop it as well, it another tail snaps out headed for him.

“Get…Ayame and Teuchi…out of here!” Naruto growls, saliva and blood leaking from his clenched teeth. “And…Sakura…!”

Kakashi is already shoving the two civilians out of the way as another tail launches itself at Sakura. She throws up her right arm to block it, even as her left continues to press against Itachi. There is the smell of sizzling flesh, as if the touch of Naruto’s chakra is too hot for human skin.

“Naruto, fight it!” she cries, eyes wide as she surveys what’s happening to Naruto but still leaning protectively closer to Itachi’s body. Sasuke instinctively knows that she won’t leave her patient no matter what happens.

But Naruto is stalking forward, eyes darkening even as he tries to hold himself back, and Sasuke’s body moves without thinking. He throws himself into the other man’s path, weaponless but for his Sharingan spinning to the surface.

His brother’s words echo in time with his heartbeat.

They say he could command untamed demons with his eyes.

“Don’t,” he commands, both his rival and the beast within him.

The small hut fades around them, as if cloaked in a genjutsu, and Sasuke stands before a cage, a snarling, bubbling creature before him. The raging ball of negative energy and dark intent appears to be approaching Naruto, but upon seeing Sasuke is rumbles in contempt.

“Ah, so you’re the latest Uchiha,” it sneers. “Allow me to congratulate you on making it this far.”

“Why are you here?” Naruto demands, looking panicked. “You should protect the others!”

“Sakura can handle herself,” Sasuke replies, hoping his sounds more confident than he feels. He stares up at the enormous fox demon. “I see. So, this was your secret power this whole time. Hard to believe that something like this exists inside you.”

“Impressive that you’ve become able to see me here within Naruto,” the fox rumbles. “Such would be the power of that accursed Sharingan…and your forsaken ancestry.”

“That’s right,” Sasuke realises, “You’ve seen eyes like these before.”

“I have seen it all before,” the fox sneers. “You are not unlike a certain Uchiha Madara.” It laughs coldly. “Surely you know of his fate?”

Sasuke narrows his eyes and shoves his hand forward, grabbing the fox by his nose.

“I am not Madara,” he tells it, and wills as much of his own chakra forward to dispel the spirit.

“And yet…like him…you can suppress my power,” the beast muses in what appears to be its parting shot. “I wonder what else you have in common with him.”

It’s dark laughter fades, and the world spins until they are standing once more in the hut.

Naruto falls to his knees, features twisted into astonishment as he gazes up at Sasuke, who barely spares him more than a cursory glance.

Kakashi has returned, erecting a mud wall between Naruto and Sasuke, and the rest of the occupants. Sakura is still leaning over Itachi, face bone pale, and her arm bubbling with a blistering rash, while Yamato rubs at the back of his head.

Satisfied that everyone has survived, Sasuke finally returns his attention to Naruto. He shoots him a glare.

“Sometimes it’s too much for you?”

つづく

Reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated! Also, if you are in a supportive mood, I have a ko-fi button at the top of the page, or you can find my tip jar here.

Thanks for your interest in my work!

クリ

Next Chapter

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yuki-d-raizel-blog · 7 years ago

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Hero

Chapter 26/??

Relationship: Todoroki Shouto x Reader (Your/Name), (Full/Name)

Summit: It all begin at the Sports Festival when Shouto’s other half met Endevour by mistake. The student never thought to see his partner fight against his father just to show him that he is wrong. It started from that instant, Shouto’s new path started exactly from that moment thanks to his friends and his beloved one.

---

After a few days closed inside an office, you are send in a patrol but that’s not what you wanted. You bumped into your childhood friends, and now they follow you everywhere. They stare at everything and you look like an idiot in front a lot of people.

<> you say sighing, <>

<<Actually, I am the only one in that agency…>> the handsome man that walks by your side says caressing the back of his neck, <<They ordered me to assist you to bring the treasure back... So, I made something bad.>>

<<If you ruin my hero name, I will burn down their entire estate->>

<<Oh look! It’s a transparent food!>>

<<Tenka, for the love of god, stop embarrassing me… I’m here to build my hero career, not to babysitter you.>> Shuu scolds him and walks again, <>

<<Why?>> asks Joel, <<They have powerful quirks?>>

<<From what Izuku and Shouto said, there are two villains who have problematic powers, and they brought a strange creature with them. Even All Might-sensei had a hard time to defeat that. His punches were completely useless… They came with a specific plan, so they must have someone really smart and charismatic to think something like that.>>

<<Tell us more about those creatures.>> Shuu spoke for the whole group, they thought the same thing. “If they want the treasure back, in a way or another, we will be called too, as bearer of the beasts…”

<> you murmur thinking about that day, <<I didn’t see it, I’m basing my theories on what Izuku told me… The leader called that “Noumu” and he added that it had more than one quirk. It didn’t have a will, it was literally obeying at the leader’s orders. It had an exposed brain and it could nullify All Might’s attacks, regenerate from mortal injuries... I think it was an experiment subject, so they must have tons of them in their base, that’s why I told you to not get involved with this alliance.>>

<<They created a monster that can fight equally with the strongest hero… How the heck they did that?>> whispers Tenka walking, <<Be careful (Y/N). I don’t like this, not one bit.>>

---

It’s night already and Iida was rescued by his classmates Midoriya and Todoroki. After that the hard and deep fight ended, they tied Stain up and they bumped into a group of pro heroes that were sent there by Endevour. When everyone was distracted by the tied killer, a flying Noumu grabbed Midoriya and flew away.

<<What is that?>> a pro hero asks pointing the sky, <<A shooting star?>>

<<This is not the moment to stare the stars!>> yells Gran Torino. “It went out of my reach…”

The heroes stare at the deep night sky, a bright blue thing is flying towards them, and in a second…

The hero killer moves to stop the monster, the blue creature encloses Midoriya and touches the ground sliding due to the high speed, while Stain smashes down the Noumu. The heroes get ready to fight again, they didn’t understand clearly what happened.

<<….(Y/N)-I mean, Belial?!>> Izuku finds himself in her arms while she is crouched down studying the enemy, <<W-what are you doing here?>>

<<Sorry, I’m late.>> she answers panting a little, <>

<<Why are you standing around in a group?>> Endevour reaches the place and his arrival gets Stain’s attention.

When the number two hero is about to attack the villain, the killer freezes everyone with his presence. His harsh voice makes everyone shivers in fear, even Endevour made a step backwards. They start to see only the darkness and his piercing gaze...

<<Deku, if you aim to be the number one, don’t show your fears to anyone.>> you whisper to the trembling green boy, and stand up in front of everyone calling your blue flames out again, lighting your friends up, <<Hero killer Stain, if you wanted to change the hero society, instead of kill people, what about doing it with your own actions?>> you speak fearless, moving a few steps forwards to show him that you will not step back like the others did.

<> he replies drooling saliva from his mouth, <<You are… another fake…>>

<<You only killed people.>> you protest, <<I helped myself doing a few researches. You were an U.A. student, if you would become a hero and showed with your own actions that wanting fame and money is not heroic, it would have much more impact on the society. You could decline the government money, you could do so many things, but you chose the wrong path. This is all you got. Tell me, it was worth your efforts?>>

<<…Who are you…?>> the man drags his body towards you, he sees the girl staring back at him with resolute eyes, putting her life on the line to protect the ones behind her back, <<Only a true hero can kill me…!! Only All Might..!!!>> he drops the knife and stands immobile.

<<H-he fainted.>> comments Endevour breaking the crushing pressure. Shouto falls on his butt with shocked eyes, Izuku makes a sigh of relief while the pros stare at the young girl sealing those blue flames.

<<…..>> the woman looks at Stain for a few seconds and then helps Midoriya with his leg, <<This should help to stop the blood.>> Todoroki and Iida receive the same treatment: a lay of ice stuck in their wounds and the pain is going away quickly. When they want to ask why are you there, a phone buzzes, <<Yes?>> you pick the call and keep the phone between the ear and the shoulder finishing to bandage Shouto’s arm, <<Yeah, the hero killer is under arrest. I arrived just in time, those creepy creatures are all over the city, so be careful on your way. Ok, tell me your situation, do you need me?>>

<<Come here.>> a man walks in the street holding a little child, threating him with a knife, <<Heroes?! Do not move, or I’ll kill this brat!>> he screams pointing the blade in the child’s throat.

<<Ah, I’ll call you later.>> the girl sighs and puts the phone back, <<Sir, please calm down.>> she takes the lead immediately, since the pro heroes don’t move a muscle, <<This is an emergency, you must go to the safe point with the child.>>

<<Oi woman, what are->> Endevour is blocked by his own son, <<What are you doing, Shouto?>>

<<She’s able to help both without using violence like we always do. Leave everything to her.>>

<<Would you want to talk with me about what happened?>> Belial doesn’t show any hostile intentions, she is just standing with her hands up and talks with a soft voice, <>

<<Don’t move or I’ll kill him!>>

<> the heroes are ready to intervene, when a woman runs screaming and you create a wall of ice to block her, <<Don’t worry ma’am, your son will be fine.>>

<<You can’t understand! How am I supposed to live without powers, hah?! You are a hero, right? Then->>

<> she replies, <<You are lucky, you don’t need powers to be the person who you want to be. We gifted ones are always crushed by responsibilities or obligated to walk in a path that we didn’t choose. You are free, you can become whoever you want. May I ask if you believe in->>

<<Even God abandoned me! I don’t have anything… The only thing that I can do is->>

<<Kill is not your job nor your duty, if you do that, you will open a blind alley.>> Belial calmly moves step after step, <<If you can’t see the way, I can show it to you.>> blue flames explode from her back and the breathtaking angel is back, opening his arms to the man like if he wants to hug him.

<<……>> everyone is speechless, where the hell did you hide that thing?!

<<You are free to walk in every path you want. You want to become a doctor? You can do it. A fireman? You can do that too. A teacher, a lawyer, a simple worker, you can do everything, if you believe in it.>> she is close to the man and slowly, stretches her hand towards the kid, <<Let this child go, you don’t want this. If you don’t have anything anymore, think about that mother who is crying for her son.>>

<<….Go….>> the man leaves the kid running towards her mom and looks down quietly, <<….>>

<<The darkness is a very cold and scary place, but don’t be afraid, I’m here to save you.>> you grab his knife and keep it away, <<I’m here with my light, I’ll give you courage, I’ll warm you up, I’ll help you to step on your path and create a future that you will be proud of.>>

<<You will help me…?>> the man sees the giant fire angel extends his hand to him and the girl does the same.

You smile and move aside to let the man see the street, <<Show to this society that even quirkless people can be someone respectful, show to yourself that you are strong enough to become who you want. You are still in time, if you grab my hand, I will guide you. God might be abandoned you, but I’m not. You’re never alone, and this is all you need to survive, sir.>> the man falls on the ground and starts to cry reflecting on what he done.

<<Amazing…>> say a bunch of pro heroes, <<Who is that woman?>>

<<Good job, (Y/N)-chan.>> whispers Izuku smiling with a little blush on his cheeks, he is so happy to see that you can end a fight with just words, it’s something that only a few people in the world can do.

“I’m really proud of you, my love. You saved me first, then Midoriya, you were fearless when we were terrified by Stain, you protected us and now, you saved two civils. Who is the hero here?” thinks Shouto with a prideful smile on his face.

Walking holding the man’s hand, you stop near the woman and his son keeping a certain distance, you never know how the mother could react when the city is under attack.

<<This a one-way road, after this, you can choose your way sir, ok?>> the man wipes away his tears and listen carefully, <<First, apologize for your actions.>> he bows deeply and says sorry a billion times, when he feels his fingers being pulled, <<Do you assent this man to escort you and your son to the safe area? Heroes must fight villains, we might not have someone to do it, would you mind, ma’am?>>

<<Mom, he was scared just like me! He isn’t dangerous!>> says the little boy holding the man’s fingers, <<We can’t leave him alone!>>

<<…I see.>> the woman smiles and agrees to the offer, <<In tough times we must support each other. And if the hero of my son said that, I don’t see a reason for denying it. Sir, please come with us.>>

<<Now your way is clear, move forward with your feet and please, choose wisely your future. Be sure that it is the right one.>> you push the man a little and walk back to your group.

<<Excuse me!!>> the child jumps happily calling you, <<Who are you? I want to know the name of my hero!>>

<> the fire rises again with an angelic shape, the wings close a little while you put a hand on your chest, cross a bit your feet and bow elegantly, <>

<<Thank you Belial! See you again!>> the child waves his little hands happily and walks again between his mom and the man.

Once you returned to your friends, while you are talking with them about if they’re really fine since you must go back to your job, when a big hand shuffles your hair.

<<Well done, Belial.>> it is Endevour that passes behind and starts his job again like if he didn’t do anything to a little student.

Izuku and Shouto are as surprised as you, who would never think that the number two hero would do a thing like that. Especially, if the person involved is someone that clearly didn’t like him at all and crushed his pride in front of his son and daughter. Tenya apporaches you and apologizes to you because he was responsible of Todoroki’s injuries, he wanted to be blamed for that, yelled for that, but he received a warm hug and only kind words.

<<I’m the one who should apologize. I saw your insecurity, I understood your intentions, still, I left you alone even if I’m your friend. I’ll save you from the darkness next time, I swear… What was your hero name?>>

“This girl…” <<Ingenium.>>

<<You understand the mistake, and now that you felt the darkness, you can recognize them.>> she smiles and looks at him, <<If they are too strong, I’m here for you all, just call my name and I will lend to you my flames to win.>>

<<Yes… Thank you, Belial.>> he cries again and tries to hide it.

<<My, my, our class rep can’t show himself like this.>> you pat lightly on his back, <<Move like a robot and yell at us like always.>> Shouto and Izuku smile to see Iida acting like you said because he thought that was a bit offensive.

Suddenly, the nice atmosphere is break by a man with long brown hair and beautiful golden eyes. He runs fast finding you kneeled in front of Midoriya; you used your hero costume clothes to make some bandages to keep your ice still on the wounds.

<<Belial! Could you come with me for a few minutes?>> the man waits for you taking out his phone.

<<Who is he?>> whispers Izuku, <>

The two are seeing and touching the phone frequently, they talk and nod often to each other to check and agree about what they are talking about. After a few minutes, someone runs crying your name. You turn to ask what happened, but you see a child hurt and sobbing. Wait, how he knows your hero name? You never saw that kid before… What’s happening here?

---Continue...

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 21.5, 22, 22.5, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, Last Chapter

#todoroki shouto #shoto todoroki #midoriya izuku #deku midoriya #bnha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha scenarios #scenarios #fanfictions #anime #manga

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cupcakeshakesnake · 8 years ago

Text

Watching The Return of Doctor Mysterio for the first time

Ayyyy long title.

-SERIES 10!!! SERIES 10 IS HERE!!!!!!!

-SDALDFHGALSDHFGAS,LDHFASLDFGASLDFHASLDJFGASLDHFALS

-LASGFLERN283WQUR’QSEI;RWQER;WIERXIUI;I::weif:weif:eifE;IQUGWIF

-*cough* okay... Let’s watch this

-(I just realized the episode I’m watching is flipped horizontally because of copyrights or something, so the screenshots are gonna be flipped too because I’m too lazy to edit them)

-Ah, this takes place in the U.S.

-WUT

-What’s swinging outside his window

-DOCTOR WHAT ARE YOU DOING

-Well this is a dangerous situation for him, I doubt that even Timelords can regenerate if they fell from the sixtieth floor, there would be no piece of body big enough to regenerate from

-Pardon me if I’m wrong on that though, I’m not the best at Doctor Who science

-His voice what happened to his voice

-WELL OF COURSE CLARK KENT IS SUPERMAN DOCTOR PLEASE KEEP UP WITH AT LEAST SOME OF THE MEDIA

-Well this is a weird start to an episode

-”Vomiting, hair loss and death, fat lot of use.”

-What is that those

-”How did you even get a glass of water in your pocket?” “Skills.”

-I’m calling it, his pockets are bigger on the inside.

-All this fucking Christmas shit again

-Annnd I’m dead

-But seriously, I grew up in an un-religious household in Asia and Christmas was just this little holiday with trees and presents and--

-GEMSTONES THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT GEMSTONEs I should shut up

- --Anyway it was this little holiday with trees and presents and department store sales--

- -- HOLY SHIT DID HE EAT IT

-"What are you, 36?” “Eight.”

- --AHEM anyway yeah, that little holiday, and--

-HE’S FLOATING??!?! WHO THIS? WHAT?

- -- UGHHH anyway, yeah. I grew up with that and then there’s this Western Christmas culture where it’s such a big thing and it’s, just, really, strange. Initially that little rant was gonna be a bit longer and better articulated, but interesting things kept happening in the show.

-”YOU’RE A SUPERHEROOOOOOO”

-IS THAT NARDOLE

-Okay what is happening and what is wrong with these people

-BRAINS WTF

-Why do science fiction lights always turn on so loudly

-”Donated to the facility by our benefactors” “DONATED” yeah. Looks like he murdered those benefactors after all.

-What’s the Doctor even eating

10/10 face

-What’s with the guy coughing blue milk

-WHAT

-For some reason I am inclined to pet this brain creature (pf which, by the way, I failed to upload a screenshot because everything else would be uploaded except that image, even with the quality lowered), but because there are many hideous monsters in Doctor Who that are not to be judged by their appearance, I’ll keep a neutral opinion on this guy until further progress in the plot is made to prove either its hostility or its friendliness.

-Yep, I’m not petting you, brain dude. You’re not friendly. You get no pet.

-”I had a change of mind” WAS THE JOKE REALLY NECESSARY

-And were those surgeons just standing there doing nothing 24/7 until someone came in

-WELL THIS IS TERRIFYING ALRIGHT

-Who’s the writer again... *takes a look* Yep, Steven Moffat.

-”No one will believe that, this is America.”

-”Special Agent Dam Dangerous Schgsfilurfylas” My English hearing’s not the best, okay

-Dude’s hand is shaking, that yells terrible aim

-”o on, tell them you shot us in the back for self-defense.”

-Heyoooo, it’s the boy with the glasses, except he’s not wearing glasses anymore and I’m NOT talking about Harry Potter.

-God damn I wish someone would turn down that guy’s accent, it’s like he has a swollen tongue and is trying to decide whether to spit out or chew a hot piece of bacon

-Where did Nardole even come from

-Heyooo

-WHY DID THAT KID GROW UP TO SOUND LIKE EVERY PARODY OF BATMAN’S VOICE EVER

-Flashback?

-So is he gonna sh-t out the gemstone or

-nevermind what I just said

-HE GREW UP WITH A THESAURUS AS WELL APPARENTLY

Pffft

-what’s with the wind noises

The Doctor with a baby is the best thing ever, it doesn’t even matter which reincarnation he’s in

-BUT WHAT’S WITH THE WIND NOISES

-Nardole with that elephant lol

-Wait... Isn’t that the reporter girl?

-WHAT IS WITH THE FRICKING WIND

-ACTUALLY I JUST REALIZED THAT THIS WIND SOUND SPANS ACROSS THE ENTIRETY OF THE EPISODE, IT’S NOT THE EPISODE ITSELF IT’S THE GUY WHO UPLOADED IT

-OR SOMETHING

-GOD I WAS FREAKING OUT ABOUT THIS STUPID THING

-IT HURTS MY EARS

-I’M WEARING HEADPHONES AND THIS WIND NOISE IS TORTURE

-X-ray vision would actually be great because everyone would be spooky scary skeles

A HA HA HA HA HA

-Did the Doctor just drink alcohol from that bottle

-Yep, he’s getting wasted

-*unholy squealawking* ”This is Mr Huffle. Mr Huffle feels pain. Meet me in the kitchen.” what the fuck was that

-I DON’T LIKE THIS WOMAN NOR THAT LITTLE RUBBER DOLL

-I DON’T LIKE YOU AT ALL

-I HOPE YOUR LITTLE MR HUFFLE DRAGS YOU DOWN INTO HIS SPECIAL HELL WITH YOU

-You can just see how those soulless eyes of his are begging for the sweet release of death

Wake me up (wake me up inside) Can’t wake up (wake me up inside) save me

-He is screaming, free me, free me, free me from this pain

-look here lady you are clearly very clever and all but you better close your bedroom doors securely at night and make sure that lil guy is outside or you might never wake up one day

-Change of subject: I thought this guy would be the one called Dr Mysterio but instead it turns out he’s called the Ghost. Not this Ghost either.

(Image from Star Wars Rebels)

-The deathly stare of Mr Huffle is refusing to leave my mind, help, what do I do, I have been cursed

RUN DOCTOR RUN, HE BLAMES YOU AS WELL AS HER

DOCTOR: THE HORROR GAME Do not let him look into your eyes!

-IT’S THOSE OPEN BRAIN MEN FROM HUSBANDS OF RIVER SONG, THEY’RE BACK AT IT WTF

-”Good to keep an open mind, ha!”

“I am totally against bantering.”-

-Ah, back when his floof was still flat, calm and level one.

-Woohoo speech

-WAIT WHAT THE TARDIS SHOWS UP AT WHISTLES TOO

-Oh, so that’s why that guy’s wearing jewels in the trailer, I tought he was always like that.

-And apparently the Doctor got him out of the robot king to keep him as a companion.

-”I’m not avoiding anything, I’m just trying to save a planet.” “Which is what you always do when the conversation turns serious.”

-”Hello Doctor nice suit” “Hi” “Good morning” “Whatever” “So uh.. what happened to Clara” “WHOOPS GOTTA GO SAVE A PLANET BYE”

-Bet that guy wanted to rip his shirt open to reveal the supersuit inside for years

-Why are they suddenly in Japan

-”I flooded downstairs with Pokemon.” 1. I laughed at that bit in the trailer, but it’s somehow even funnier considering they’re in Japan. 2. BBC doesn’t even care about copyrights anymore. In fact, they haven’t careed for quite a while. 3. favorite scene in the episode so far.

-FUCKING TEA

-WELL IF THIS ISN’T BRITAIN

-Oh yeah, brilliant plan, have the creepy stare-y surgeons march along down the street in a line, no one will ever notice

-An ambulance? Okay, less stupid plan

-Random question: Why are those guys’ heads split diagonally and not vertically or horizontally? It gets on my nerves. Besides, what if one of them is left handed?

-That mask reveal took a turn, and uh but uh “Grant, the man I took for granted” SHE’S MAKING PUNS EVEN WHILE GRIEVING

-That’s awkward

-”What do the rich old men always do when the fighting starts? They’ll find the safest place to hide themselves away and send all the young people to die.” I feel bad that this is too true to be taken lightly.

-”Oh, there’s the smile, I don’t like the smile!”

-”You’re completely out of your mind!” “How is that news to anyone?” I love the dialogue in this episode

-WOOHOO

-”He’s actually left handed” So I was right, crackheads can’t be left handed?

-GRANT, THE BOMB

-Welp

giving up on life like

The Doctor’s having none of your shit

sarcasm.jpg

-WHOA BITCH THAT HEAD IS BLANK

-”Put in a call to Osgood.” Nice reference.

-WHOOPS THAT SOLDIER

-”I’ve been away for a while but I’m back” Also nice reference to the previous episode (that I CRIED ABOUT)

-DAMMIT STOP TORMENTING MR HUFFLE IF YOU WISH TO AVOID A PAINFUL DEATH

-OH GOD NO

SHE’S PASSING THE CURSE TO THE DOCTOR

-HE MUST BE SAVED

-REBLOG TO PASS THE CURSE TO SOMEONE ELSE OR WHATEVER

-#SAVETHEDOCTOR2017

-OH DEAR GOD THE CURSE IS WITH HIM, NONONONONO DOCTOR DON’T TAKE IT WITH YOU SHE’S TRYING TO DEFLECT ITS RAGE TOWARDS YOU

The... shirt... That’s a first.

-Oh jeebuz crisxenz now Mr Huffle is in the Tardis and he will bring bad luck to us all and he will be the reason we will be crying in any future episode ever and he will cause Twelve’s regeneration mark my words

-Dear Lord protect us

-Oh wait Moffat’s not gonna protect us is he

-We’re screwed

#watching for the first time #reaction #review #long post #whovian #twelfth doctor #peter capaldi #doctor who #the return of doctor mysterio #nardole #dw series 10 #soulless eyes #dead inside #mr huffle #is cursed #save him

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medicatemedrmccoy · 8 years ago

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Let the games begin - Ch. 6

Photo created and gifted by the brilliant: @wonders-of-the-enterprise

Today dear reader, we’re checking in on our beloved heroine and see how shes doing, along with Jo. We‘ll also be checking on the boys and how they react to finally having their girls back home.

3,788 word(s) of - I guess the best way to describe it would be mostly fluff wrapped around a tiny ball of angst.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5

There will be one more chapter, plus a prologue. So close guys! SO, if you want to be tagged for the rest, yay! Just shoot me a message. If you don’t want to be tagged, then shoot me a message and I will try to keep my tears to a minimum, and go to my room and sit in the corner. Be gentle. I am a delicate flower.

Special thanks to: @outside-the-government for encouraging me to write again, and for being my beta and idea bouncer, and for creating this monster. Also @imoutofmyvulcanmind for being an idea bouncer, and letting me torture you with snippets, yay!

Tags: @star-trekkin-across-theuniverse @hellhoundsandunicorns @yourtropegirl @bkwrm523 @feelmyroarrrr @fandomheadrush @darlinleonard @trekken81 @trekkimagines201 @arrowsshootyouforwards @captian-hannah-kirk @kaitymccoy123 @starmission @kilismaiden @malindacath @starr-trekkk@the-the-sound-of-the-bees-blog @lurkch @random-fandom-lady @supernaturalgeekygal @captainjimsexypantskirk @devanshade @imagineangryspacegrump @pokemonlover591 @earinafae @souperhoolok @falloutstump27 @azure23x @grgoyldef2 @fandom-obssessed-sloth @arcticbubby

You had drifted in and out of consciousness. Every time you roused, your body was on fire. You wanted to scream, but your body wasn’t responding, wasn’t functioning. The sounds of some kind of commotion were getting louder before you allowed the pain to take you away once more into unconsciousness.

Sometime after that, when your mind became aware again, you felt pressure on different places, then a warm liquid snaking its way through your veins, you succumbed to the darkness yet again.

You finally came to again, noting it was much quieter than before. You tried to open your eyes but they were still too heavy, as were your arms and legs. You kept your eyes closed as you focused on the soft beeping behind your head.

You began to be aware of how completely and utterly crappy you felt. Everything was sore and you hurt in places you never even knew existed. Your stomach hurt, your head is pounding, your chest ached and your mouth is a desert.

You laid there for a few minutes, listening to the beeping before you can finally muster the energy to open your eyes. You stared up at the ceiling for a few moments, getting your eyes to adjust. When they did, you gave a tiny smile. You’d know that ceiling anywhere, you were back on the Enterprise. You felt so happy you could cry, if only you could find the energy.

You figured it must be late. The lights were dim and there was no one around, except whomever had a hold of your hand. You made a small movement so you could look over and see who it was.

“Leonard?” You thought “Oh god, is this real? Is it really him” You looked past Leonard to the couch on the side of the room and saw Jim passed out, arms and legs dangling everywhere.

You looked back to Leonard and back to Jim and realized how completely awful they looked. Both Leonard and Jim had noticeable stubble covering both of their faces. You could see the bags under Leonard eyes, and assumed Jims wouldn’t be much different. Their hair was sticking up in every direction, uniforms wrinkled. Geez, how long had you been out?

You gathered your strength and gently squeezed Leonards hand. Leonard must have been seriously on edge, with how quickly he sat up in his chair. He looked at your hand, then looked up toward your face, almost wondering if he had imagined the squeeze.

When his eyes met your barely open ones, he let out a choked cry of joy. He hopped out of the chair and took his hand and placed it on your cheek and rubbed his thumb across it.

“Welcome back, Y/N.” Leonard whispered and gave you a smile “Jim wake up!” Jim all but toppled off the tiny couch in surprise at Leonards loud voice and rubbed his face with his hands.

“What Bones?” He yawned as he went to look Leonards way, but met your eyes instead “holy shit, Y/N!” Jim yelled as he leapt up off the floor “thank god you’re awake” and scrambled over to the other side of your bed, taking your free hand into his and leaned over to kiss your forehead.

“You had us all so worried.” Jim breathed out a sigh of relief.

“Jo, Paul” was all you could croak out. Leonard just gave a small chuckle.

“Paul took quite the crack to his skull and suffered a intracranial hemorrhage, so he’s still recovering in a different room. Jo is just fine, thanks to you. She’s up in my quarters. I wanted you to be awake before I let her down here. Her wrist is fine too, clean break. It should be healed up in a few weeks” Leonard said reassuringly “let’s look at you”

“Jo helped me save your life, Y/N. She seemed to know just what to do, from turning you over and clearing your airway, to helping stop the bleeding. She’s one tough, smart kid, despite being Leonards’ daughter.” Jim replied to you smiling and smirked up at Leonard. You return his smile, laughing ever so slightly as tears pricked the corner of your eyes as you looked to Leonard.

“You’re hilarious Jim, really.” Leonard replied wearing a mixed look of contempt for Jim and pride for Jo, as he pulled down your blanket and lifted your gown. Your eyes went wide “jesus christ, that’s a big wound” you thought. Leonard gently palpated around the hole in your stomach.

“Does this hurt?” Leonard asked. You took in a sharp intake of breath and nodded in response.

“I thought so.” Leonard replied as he moved up to your ribs “How about these?” Leonard asked as he palpated your ribs softly. You gave a loud yelp, in reply.

“Jesus Leonard , that really freaking hurts!” You breathed out a shaky breath.

“It’s going to take a while for those to heal. You still have a few rounds with the regenerator before they’ll start feeling better.” Leonard frowned “you took quite the beating”. Leonard gave a pregnant pause.

“I even lost you a couple times on my operating table, you scared the shit out of me. I didn’t know if we would get you back the first time, let alone the second.” Leonard rubbed his scruffy face and ran his hands through his hair to keep the tears at bay “what the hell happened to you Y/N?” he added quietly “Jo won’t even talk to me about it.”

You looked down, finding your hands interesting all of a sudden, not missing that Jim was shifting uncomfortably beside you. Leonard missed it, he was busy looking at your vital screen. He saw your blood pressure start to climb and your breathing shallow. He rested his hand on yours.

“I’m sorry I asked, we don’t have to talk about that now.” Leonard said gently “how do you feel?”

“Shit” was all you could muster. Leonard and Jim both gave quiet laughs. Boy that felt so good to hear their laughter, as it danced through your ears.

“I bet.” Leonard agreed “I’m going to up your pain medicine, you need to rest. I’m sure Jo is going to be begging to see you now that you’ve come around.” Leonard said as he was busy pushing buttons on your IV box.

You felt the liquid shoot through your veins and it burned at first, then you felt warm and heavy all over as you sighed and closed your eyes.

“Get some rest Y/N.” Leonard ordered as he grabbed your hand once more and squeezed it gently, running his thumb over your knuckles. You tried to squeeze back but you felt yourself fading too quickly.

You awoke sometime later, feeling somewhat more coherent. You squinted as you glanced around the room. The medbay was fuller and busier than it was the first time you woke up.

“Y/N, how nice to see you awake.” A voice caught your attention.

“M’Benga.” You croaked out as you gave him a smile “god, it’s good to see you”

“Likewise, Y/N, how are you feeling?” He asked as he began to check your vitals.

“Like complete crap.” You said flatly “where is everyone?”

“If by everyone, you mean your ragtag trio, Jim is on the bridge, probably talking to Starfleet now that you’re awake. They’re in quite the uproar, understandably so. Little Joanna is in class, and Leonard has been banished to his quarters under threat of sedation. He hasn’t left your side since you’ve been back.” M’Benga gave you a small wink.

“Paul?” You asked quietly, fearing the worst.

“He’s still in intensive care, it’s been touch and go, but he’s holding steady. It looks promising.” M’Benga replied, easing your fears.

“How long have I..?” You trailed off.

“3 days, but it’s to be expected. Coming back from death tends to take it out of a person.” M’Benga joked lightly “your body went through some severe trauma Y/N. Now, Leonard wanted me to comm him as soon as you woke up, but he hasn’t been gone too long.”

“Don’t, please. He needs to rest, that idiot.” You pleaded. M’Benga just chuckled.

“I agree with you. I wasn’t planning on comming him, as long as you eat a little something for me.” M’Benga negotiated. Your stomach rolled and you wrinkled your nose. Food was the furthest thing from your mind, even though you knew you needed to eat.

“I don’t know if I can, I feel awful.” You replied, as you swallowed thickly.

“Well if you don’t eat at least a little something, then I’ll have no choice but to comm Leonard. Then you can deal with the sleep deprived angry doctor as he rants about how you need to eat something.” M’Benga just lifted an eyebrow at you.

“Ugh, fine. Anything but that, you win, call off the dogs.” You relented, too exhausted to fight any further.

“I figured you’d see it my way. I’m glad you did, I wasn’t looking forward to that either.” M’Benga sighed in relief “I’ll at least comm the Captain and let him know you’re awake and I’ll have a nurse bring you something to eat.”

“Thanks M’Benga, you’re the best.” You replied as you gave him another small smile.

You were sitting up slightly, propped up on as many pillows as possible, as you munched on some crackers, cheese and some grapes. Proud of yourself for keeping it all down so far, but you decide not to press your luck, as you sat the grapes aside, your door swished open quietly.

“Jim! Oh god, Jim.” You said as your eyes welled with tears “I never thought I’d see your dumb face ever again.” Jim strode over to your bed laughing.

“I see someone is feeling better.” He said as he kissed the top of your head.

“I don’t know about better, I just feel more awake. Will you help me move over, this position is getting uncomfortable.” You said while wincing from the pressure of the pillows pushing on your ribs.

“I’m just glad you’re awake and insulting me again, it’s like music to my ears.” Jim joked as he helped you move to a more comfortable position. You wore a grimace on your face the entire time.

“This sucks.” you replied out of breath.

“Well what do you expect? Four broken ribs, concussion, run through with a sword, infection, dying twice, just to name a few.” Jim replied, using his fingers to count them “You’re going to give me a run for my money in the injury department.”

“Very funny, Jim. Ugh, don’t remind me” you mumbled “how’d you find us anyway?”

Jim sighed and waved his PADD in his hands “Ajek hailed us and sent us this video of you and everything that was happening to you and Jo.” Jim started as he played the video on his PADD. “Short version is that we traced it and confirmed the planet to the video, warped over and beamed down two parties. One for you and Jo and one for Ajek. As far as finding you personally, well, we just followed the screams.” Jim’s eyes turned dark.

“Is he…?” You asked tentatively.

“No, he’s here on the ship, locked away in the brig. I decided death would be too easy for him.” Jim said as if still trying to convince himself “Spock captured him and brought him on board.”

Your biobed gave you away before you could register it. Your heart rate and blood pressure rose, as you began to get angry. You glanced over at your stats, and realized if you didn’t calm down, you’d set off the alarms.

The last thing you needed was a room full of nurses all over you. You could also just imagine Leonard linking your biobed to his PADD to alert him if the slightest thing was amiss. You forced yourself to take slow even breaths in order to calm yourself. You did not need a grumpy, worried doctor in your hair right now.

Jim sighed and rubbed the back of his neck “While Bones isn’t here Y/N, about the video..” Jim started cautiously “Bones kinda, sorta, maybe, doesn’t know about it.” He said quickly.

“The video? You hid that from him? He is going to be super pissed, Jim.” You said shocked.

“I’m hoping he won’t find out. You didn’t see him, Y/N, he was an absolute mess. I couldn’t bear to show him everything you two were going through, it was awful.” Jim grimaced.

“Tell me about it, but you know he’s going to ask about what happened.” You pointed out, raising an eyebrow.

“I know, but I figure hearing and seeing are two different things.” Jim explained, trying to convince himself.

“Okay, fine, I won’t mention it, but all this falls on you, Jim. I don’t need him on my ass about that too. I’m going to have enough to deal with from him.” You eyed Jim seriously.

“Fine, deal.” Jim agreed.

You and Jim had been sitting there for a while, just talking about nothing mostly. How the ship was doing and the crew, mostly just relishing each others company.

A little while later you hear your door swish open and a blur of brown hair, followed by a haggard looking Leonard stepped in the room.

“Aunt Y/N, Aunt Y/N, you’re awake!” Jo exclaimed as she ran over to Jim and crawled in his lap so she could get closer to you.

“Hey, kiddo! How are you? Hows that wrist? I heard you helped save my life back there Jo, thank you.” You said, as you took her little hand in yours.

“Good! Daddy said it’ll be healed really soon. I remembered what you did for me, and told Uncle Jim just what to do.” Jo beamed up at you.

“Aw thanks, Jo, I’ll be here as long as you want me to. That’s really good to hear about your wrist, I’m glad.” You said relieved, as that seemed to be the extent of her injuries. “Heya Leonard.” You threw in as he made his way over to your empty side.

“Hey, Y/N, good to see you’re coherent.” He offered you a smile “how are you feeling?”

“Like death warmed over, nauseous from the pain medicine, I’m sore in places I didn’t know existed, my stomach is on fire, and my ribs are aching... but I’m alive.” You said quietly.

“And we’re all thankful for that.” Jim said with a smile. Leonard shot Jim a meaningful glance, and Jim immediately understood.

“Jo, what do you say we go down to the cantina and get Y/N something to eat?” Jim asked, bouncing Jo on his leg.

“Ok, uncle Jim.” Jo agreed, turning back to you “we’ll be back soon aunt Y/N. Don’t go anywhere.” Jo ordered as she leaned over and kissed your cheek.

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Jo.” you laughed quietly. With that Jim and Jo left the room, leaving you and Leonard with the quiet beeping of your biobed.

You regarded Leonard for a few moments as he messed around on your stat screen.

“What was up with that?” You questioned, since it seemed Leonard wasn’t going to be the first one to speak.

“With what?” Leonard replied, almost too quickly

“You know what, Leonard. I can read you like a book, and you weren’t exactly smooth about that look you gave Jim.” You replied, eyeing him suspiciously.

Leonard sighed and plopped down in the chair beside your bed and took your hand in both of his gently.

“I don’t even know where to start.” Leonard said quietly. You almost quipped out a joke but decided against it after seeing the pain in his eyes.

“ Leonard...” You questioned softly “what’s wrong, talk to me”

Leonard sat there trying to form words, opening and closing his mouth a few times. You squeezed his hand gently.

“We almost lost you Y/N” he started quickly, prompted by your squeeze “We.. I almost lost you and Jo. I don’t… I don’t know what I would have done if either of you hadn’t come back to me” he took in a long jagged breath “I was a complete and utter wreck. I couldn’t stand not knowing where you were or if you were even alive, it destroyed me. Then to get you back and have you die twice on me… in my OR… right in my hands…I can’t .. I can’t pretend anymore Y/N, I can’t do this without you, I need you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I…I love you Y/N”

Leonard was looking down at your sheets, refusing to look at your face. It was probably a good thing. Your mouth was so wide, you could probably park a truck inside. After a few moments, you finally found your voice.

“Well, I guess I can’t read you like a book, because I was not expecting that.” You breathed out. Leonard didn’t reply, he didn’t move. He just sat there gripping your hand like a lifeline.

“ Leonard...” you said gently “come on look at me.” Leonard still refused, breathing hard with tears shining in the corners of his eyes. Knowing the only thing that would get him to cooperate, you go all in.

“I love you too, Len.” You said, tugging on his hand slightly. Using your pet name you gave him a long time ago when you said anything sincere to him.

“You.. you do?” Leonard questioned as he finally looked up at you.

“Yeah, you big idiot.” You said warmly “I have for a while, maybe we’re both idiots if we missed each others signals.”

“Maybe so.” Leonard chuckled, relieved that you felt the same way “I’m so glad you’re okay Y/N. I’m serious when I say that I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Probably lose your mind, get on everyone’s nerves, murder Jim.. etc.” You said playfully, trying to lighten the mood.

“Something like that.” Leonard said as he sat on the bed beside you and put his hand on your cheek and looked into your eyes. You saw everything in those hazel eyes, his sincerity, his worry, his thankfulness, and his love he had for you.

“Len…” you said quietly. Leonard just leaned over and ran his hand through your hair and gave you a long, soft kiss. As his lips touched yours, your body exploded. Not in pain, but this time for a completely different reason. Leonard pulled back reluctantly after a few moments and brushed his thumb across your cheek.

“Wow...” You breathed out

“I agree.” Leonard said, as you felt his chest rumble beside you as he noticed your heart rate pick up.

A few minutes later, Jim and Joanna came back into the room.

“We got your favorite soup, Aunt Y/N.” Jo exclaimed proudly, holding up the soup.

“Aww thanks Jo, I can’t wait to eat it.” You replied, really hoping you can keep it down.

Moments later you had Jim on one side of your bed and Leonard on the other and little Jo, much to Leonards protest, up on the biobed with you, curled up on your unbroken side. You were happier than you could remember being in a long time.

After everyone was done eating, Leonard turned to Jo.

“Alright Jo, time for you to go back to quarters. Y/N needs to sleep.”

“Aww, do I have to?” Jo whined, as she crossed her arms and crossed her arms.

“Yes, Jo, up you get.” Leonard ordered, crossing his own arms.

“Fiiinnee” Jo pouted “get better Y/N, I’ll be back soon.” Jo said as she kissed your cheek.

“Good night, kiddo.” You replied, kissing her back.

“I’ll take her up if you want,” Jim offered “I need to go that way anyway. I’ll be back in a few”

“Alright Jim,” You replied, squeezing his hand that he placed on top of yours.

“Piggy back ride, Uncle Jim! Pllleeeaaasseee?” Jo asked. Jim laughed and lifted Jo off your bed and gave her a piggy back ride out of the room.

“What a long day, I’m exhausted.” You said as soon as Jo and Jim left the room.

“I bet. You need to get some sleep darlin’.” Leonard said as he got up to go to your IV box.

“Please don’t.” You said quickly, pleading “I feel awful now as it is without more sedative running through me. I’ll go to sleep on my own, I promise.”

“I don’t want you in pain, Y/N.” Leonard said sternly and sighed as he looked at your pain indicator, noting its elevation “at least let me give you a pain killer.”

“Pain killer, fine, sedative, no.” You replied equally as stern.

“You’re lucky you’re so cute when you get all pouty, sweetheart.” Leonard said as he gave you a soft kiss on your forehead and walked over to you IV box and punched a few buttons.

“Thanks Len.” You replied yawning.

“You’re welcome darlin’.” Leonard chuckled as he gave you another soft kiss on your lips “get some rest”.

You nodded in reply as Leonard helped you to lay further down in the bed. Bones went to move the sheet over you when Jim’s PADD tumbled out from underneath.

“Huh, must have forgotten it.” Leonard said as he went to pick up Jim’s PADD. He flipped it over and the screen came to life. Leonard stopped where he was and just stared at the screen, eyes practically bugging out of his head.

“Len?” you said quietly “what is it?” You asked, knowing full well what was on that screen last.

Leonard made no movement, no reply. The only indication that he hadn’t frozen solid was the shallow rise and fall of his chest.

“Len… hello?” You repeated. Leonard narrowed his eyes and flipped the screen to you. You take in what’s playing on the screen.

“Shit, Len, don’t watch that.” You pleaded. It was too late, he had already watched it all and was working on the second loop. Helpless to do anything but plead with him, you tried your best.

“Len.. Please, don’t do this to yourself. We’re fine, no matter what the video shows.” You tried to grab onto his pants pocket “please, Len…”

You could feel Leonard begin to shake, chest heaving with every breath. A cold fury began creeping into his eyes. You don’t think you’d ever seen him this angry, he looked seriously scary.

“To myself?! Is this what you went through Y/N? Is this what that asshole put you through?” Leonard roared. You grimaced at the loudness of his voice but nodded your head, not daring to speak. Leonard finally put down the PADD and looked over at you.

“Alright.” Leonard said simply while nodding and turned quickly.

“Alright what? ….. Len!” you called after him as he stormed out of your room.

“This wasn’t going to be good, not good at all” you thought to yourself.

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