#who am i gonna say that to. the friend. lol
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Giving thanks for..
Genre: smut, enemies to lovers.
Word count:2.8k+
Warnings: rough!ni-ki, shy!y/n, fingering “under the table”, worshipping, unprotected sex, teasing, dirty talk, praising, throat-fucking, hate-fuck. Note: I love making these stories idk why but they peak my interest so much!! I know it’s not thanksgiving yet but imma be busy on those days I’m off, but plz enjoy :3 and take care of urself 💕🙏🏼
You’ve been enemies for a really long time. Ni-ki, which you couldn't stand him, had been teasing and humiliating you throughout school. But then, out of the blue, he invited you to his family's Thanksgiving dinner. Sure, there would be the usual “I‘m grateful for…” moments, so you figured nothing too surprising would unfold, right?
Today you were just chilling at home alone while your parents were at their hometown enjoying thanksgiving dinner, you felt bored, alone. Of course you didn’t want to go because you didn’t feel like it. But once you finished an hour call with them, you stared up at the ceiling from the bed.
You sigh in boredom, sitting back up from the bed. “What am I gonna do, I’m all alone.. I guess I can make dinner for myself and watch some Netflix or something.” Suddenly you receive a notification from your phone, you assume “oh! Maybe my parents sent a picture of themselves!” You check but your excited expression turns into shock and confusion.. it says: “Hey y/n, sorry to annoy you as always lol 😂, but anyways I was wondering if you’re interested in coming over to my house for thanksgiving I have no one to enjoy besides my parents.”
“What?! Ni-ki.. he seriously invited you to his thanksgiving dinner, seriously?” You tell yourself blankly staring at the message for minutes. You roll your eyes and reply:
“Fine. 😒Only because I also have nothing to do, fine I’ll come over. What time?”
He types back: “Around 6PM, it will just be a normal thanksgiving, nothing out of the ordinary. 😊”
…
It’s 6PM and you’ve just arrived in front of his home, and you ring the doorbell. You stand there waiting for him or someone to open. You know you look stunning in that red dress, which perfectly highlights your curves without being overly short. Then Niki opens the door, “Hey y/n, come on in, I’ll introduce you to my parents.” As he gestured you to walk in. “Thank you.” You say, as he shuts the front door leading you to the dining table. You see a neatly organized dinning table, with a candle in the middle.
Ni-ki clears this throat and speaks, “Mom, dad. This is y/n, a “friend” of mine I invited, I hope you guys don’t mind her.” His mom replies, “N-no we don’t mind! Hello, y/n. Please I don’t mind you inviting her over, please sit down and join us for dinner today.” You look at his mother and smile politely, as you take your seat. “Hello, Mrs. It’s nice to meet you, it’s kind enough of your son to invite me over, since my parents are at their hometown enjoying thanksgiving.” His father speaks behalf, “Oh no worries! That’s very nice of our son to do that, inviting someone like you over, you seem a very well polite girl so there’s no harm in that.” Ni-ki then sits down next to you, “Yeah, I felt like that’s a nice thing to do behalf that it’s thanksgiving, we should be kind to each other, right y/n?” As he says that sarcastically.
You feel a bit nervous about meeting his parents, but you manage to smile and nod. “Of course, it's a good thing to invite friends over." You say softly, trying not to show how anxious you really feel. To pass the time waiting for the dinner his parents and especially you talk about how you’ve been, your parents, mostly about your life. But then his father asks, “Do you have a boyfriend yet, young lady?”
You blush slightly, feeling a little embarrassed by the question. "Well, I haven't found anyone who really catches my interest yet," you admit shyly.
"Maybe one day soon though!" You add quickly, hoping to change the subject before things get too awkward.
But it gets interrupted as soon as the food arrives. You smell all of the delicious aromas wafting from the dishes. "Wow... everything looks amazing!" You exclaim enthusiastically, trying to cover up your earlier blunder. “Who’s cutting the turkey today?”
Niki looks around, his parents and you seem to be waiting for someone to cut into the turkey. He takes a deep breath and stands up. "I'll do it," he announces confidently. "After all, it's Thanksgiving.” With that said, he walks over to where the turkey is sitting and grabs a knife. He gives it one swift stroke, carving off a piece of meat before placing it onto a plate. You can’t help but deny the way he looks in that suit, the way he picks up that knife, it’s like you wanna touch him.
But you then take a bite of some turkey and gravy - it's even better than it smells! As you all savor the meal throughout the evening, saying what you’re grateful for, besides Niki.. and of course, remembering to keep dinner etiquette in mind, everything was smooth. But soon enough you feel ni-ki leaning against you, his hot breath in your ear. “You look damn good in this dress.. I can’t help but notice it so much.” You blush deeply at his compliment, your heart pounding in your chest. You're not used to receiving compliments like this, especially not from someone as attractive as him. “T-thanks.. I mean I have to look presentable to your parents..” After you finish your food, you place your fork down gently and lean back in your chair. You take a deep breath to calm your racing heart. “Was the food good, sweetie? I made it this morning.” His mother smiles softly at you.
Before you could respond, you feel a hand sliding up and down your thigh making you gasp quietly. “What the..” you mutter to yourself, as Ni-ki continues doing that under the table. You try to play it cool despite losing focus on the conversation.
"O-oh, your food was amazing!", you respond sincerely, doing your best to ignore Ni-ki’s wandering hand. "I've never had such delicious mashed potatoes before..." He then leans over you and whispers with a small smirk, “I didn’t invite you just for a normal thanksgiving, I also wanted something else.. to tease and make you feel humiliated in front of my parents.” But then, Ni-ki’s mother speaks trying to get your attention, “Sweetie? You okay..? I was asking you where do you plan to go for vacation next month with your parents?” Ni-ki then slides your panties aside and inserts 2 fingers inside you without warning.
“O-oh! I was thinking maybe Thailand-ah!” You say making you blush in embarrassment, “Sorry about that.. it’s just something accidentally hit me. You shift uncomfortably in your seat, doing your best to keep a neutral expression.
“Thailand sounds lovely! It’s a wonderful place to travel.. when I was young..” she continues talking while you continue trying to hold your moans infront of them two. “Ni-ki.. stop that.. it’s embarrassing..” you whisper to him. “Come on~ your pussy deserves my fingers in you now, you make me crave you so much in that dress.” He says in a low, sultry voice.
His mother notices the blush on your face and the discomfort in your voice, but assumes it's due to the heat of the room or perhaps nervousness from being in new surroundings.
"Oh dear, I apologize if we're making you uncomfortable. We just love sharing stories about our travels!", she says reassuringly.
“N-no Mrs.. it’s not your fault it’s just it’s a bit hot right now.”, as you manage to choke out between stifled moans. Ni-Ki’s father then speaks, “We’ll clean up the mess, why don’t you show her your room.”
Ni-Ki inserts a third finger, making you moan quietly. “Yes of course father, I’ll kindly show her my room.” And with that both of his parents head to the kitchen with the dirty plates, and utensils. You finally pull his hand away from your pussy, “What was that for Ni-ki!? You can’t just do that while I’m talking to them.. that’s embarrassing. I nearly came all over your hand.” He winks, “Oh really? because I really wanted that pussy of yours.. I couldn’t resist.” “Now come on, let’s head to my room, shall we~?” He takes your hand to make you stand up so you can follow Ni-ki upstairs to his room. Once the door is closed behind you, he pins you against it.
"You know," he murmurs seductively, "Your little moans were music to my ears..." Before you can respond, he silences you with a passionate kiss. His tongue explores your mouth while his hands roam freely over your body. “I should worship your pussy.. eating you out, making you moan..~”
You quickly responded blushing deep red. “N-no that’s a bad idea.. especially right now..” Hearing your protests, Ni-ki pulls away with a playful grin. "What's the fun in all this if we don't take risks?" He teases, pressing himself closer against you. “No im going home, I’m not doing your kinky ideas with you.” Ni-ki seeing you attempt to leave, grabs your wrist tightly. "Running away so soon?" He chuckles darkly, pulling you back towards him. Without warning, he kisses you passionately once more. His other hand reaches down to cup your breast roughly through the fabric of your dress.
“Mmph! F-fine I want it! But this is a one-time thing, we are still enemies.” You stumble to say, as he releases your wrist and moves to unzip your dress hastily. "Just remember..." he whispers into your ear, "This doesn't change anything between us..." And with that, he pushes you onto his bed and begins undressing you fully, and he kneels in front of you. “Let me worship your pussy.. I can tell it’s already wet from my fingers, naughty girl..”
"F-fine! Go ahead," you finally relent, biting your lip nervously. “But only this once." His tongue laps at your clit with expert precision, causing waves of pleasure to ripple through your body.
"Mmm...so tasty..." he murmurs against you before continuing his relentless assault on your sensitive nub. “Ah~! Fuck.. k-keep going..” you moan but you quickly cover your mouth making sure no one hears you. Ni-ki increases the pressure of his tongue on your clit. His hands grip your thighs tightly, holding you in place as he devours you and makes your legs tremble, "Oh God...I'm close!", you gasp out, writhing beneath him. Noticing your impending climax, Ni-ki slows his pace slightly, prolonging your torture. He looks up at you with a devilish grin.
"Not so fast, sweetheart..." he purrs, "I haven't finished yet." You whine desperately, “N-no please I’m close! I need to cum..”
"Oh, is that so?" he teases, trailing his tongue along your inner thigh. "That's the point isn't it?" he teases again, "To feel pleasure so intense that you can barely stand it?" “N-Niki!" you cry out, clenching the sheets beneath. "Please...don't tease me like this! I really need to cum.. come on.” Niki chuckles darkly, his eyes filled with mischief as he watches you squirm underneath him. He knew how to push your buttons, knew exactly what to say and do to get a rise out of you. “What's wrong, sweetness?" he purrs mockingly, "Can't handle a little teasing?" You whine again and looks at him with pleading eyes, “No! I mean yes! Just shut up and let me cum! You asshole! Please.. I need to cum so badly..!”
Niki laughs, his hot breath tickling your skin as he leans in closer.
He takes a moment to savor the desperation lacing your words. "Fine," he concedes, sliding a finger inside of you. "But only because I want to see those pretty eyes roll back into your head." “Yes please..! I’m gonna.. fuck! Gonna..”, You quickly grab a pillow to cover your moans as you cum onto his face. Niki licks up every last drop of your sweet release, savoring the taste of you on his tongue. He pulls back slowly, standing up to look down at you with a satisfied smirk. “Good girl, I might just fuck you right now while we at it, how about you ride me?”
"No way I’m not riding you! You’re an asshole!” As you stand up from his bed. “Plus your parents are washing dishes, we can’t just do that..they might hear us!” He smirks pushing you back onto the bed, “Oh come on.. we could make some noise, who cares about them..” He tries to persuade you. “You might like it when you’re handcuffed, I have them.”
You roll your eyes and scoff at him, “Ugh.. whatever I’ll ride you while I’m handcuffed…” “Really?” Niki asks surprised, “Well alright then.” He goes to his drawer and takes out a pair of handcuffs. “Put these on.” “Alright.”, you say as you hold out your wrists for him to cuff you. Once he locks them, he smirks, “Fuck, you look sexy like this, handcuffed.. I can easily do anything to you.” He reaches down and unzips his pants, freeing his thick member. It throbs slightly as it bobs free from its confines. "Here," he says, offering you his shaft. "Why don't you start by sucking on this?"
“Alright, I’ll please you..” You say as you lean down taking his cock in your mouth. You bob your head slowly licking his tip before sliding down further, taking half of his dick in your mouth. Without warning, he thrusts deeper into your mouth. His cock hits the back of your throat, causing you to gag around him. “Mmph!~Too big and deep.!” You manage to say while he doesn't stop though; instead, he continues to fuck your face ruthlessly.
You tease him back by saying, “I’ll pull my mouth out-” “No you won’t,” he says. “Or else I will kick you outta of my house and make sure you never return.” Then he forces his way inside your mouth again, his member hitting the back of your throat, forcing another round of gags from you. As he keeps fucking your throat, you slap his leg hard, trying to signal him to stop. Ignoring your weak attempt to resist, Niki continues to thrust into your mouth. He can feel the familiar tingling at the base of his spine, signaling his imminent release.
"That's it..." he groans, "I'm gonna cum..."
Before long, he explodes inside your mouth. His hot seed fills your mouth and spills onto your chin as he rides out his orgasm. "There..." he pants, "That wasn't so bad was it? Now why don't you get those pretty legs of yours moving and ride me like a good girl." “O-okay..” You stutter out as you position yourself to sit on his cock despite being handcuffed. With a single thrust, he buries himself deep within you.
"Fuck..." he groans, "So tight..." As he begins to move beneath you, bucking his hips upwards to meet each of your downward thrusts. The sound of skin slapping against skin fills the room as they make love roughy. "Ride me baby," he growls, "Show me how much of an asshole you think I am." “Fuck.. you..! Ah~!” , you moan out quietly. “J-just don’t thrust up more..” “Oh, is that what you want?" He teases, "Don't worry, I'll make sure to keep things gentle for you." Despite his promise, he continues to thrust up into you ruthlessly. His large member filling you over and over again until both of you are panting heavily. "You like that?" he growls quietly, "You like being fucked by an asshole like me?"
“I hate you so much! Ahh~” you continue to moan out as you start to ride him faster, grinding your clit against him as you ride him. Niki groans deeply as you grind against him, his hands gripping your hips tightly. He can feel the heat building up within him again.
"Fucking hell..." he mutters, "You're such a naughty girl..." With one final thrust, he buries himself deep inside of you. His hot seed spurts inside of you as he releases inside of you. “Fuck.. I’m cumming too..!” Niki grunts as he feels you tighten around him, your own climax rippling through your body. He can feel every spasm and twitch of your pussy as you cum. "Good girl," he murmurs, "That was quite the show." As he uncuff and removes the handcuffs from your wrists, “There.. am I still an asshole to you, y/n? Despite panting you responded, “n-no.. you were good, I give you that. I guess we aren’t really enemies anymore.”
Suddenly you both hear a knock, his father was yelling from the door while Ni-ki’s mother was standing next to him, “Ni-ki, y/n, Are you okay? I hear some noise and wanted to make sure you guys were okay!”
Niki sighs as he hears his parent's voices, realizing that they've been too loud. He quickly pulls up his pants and straightens out his shirt. "Yeah dad, we're fine," he calls out, "Just having a little fun." He looks at you with a smirk, "Guess we better clean up real quick."
You smirk and laugh at him, “I told you this could’ve happened.” He laughs softly, "Yeah, you did." Niki gives you a playful wink, "Maybe next time we should try to be quieter especially you, y/n." As he listens to his parent's footsteps fade away, he relaxes again. Turning back to you, he grins mischievously. “One last thing.., I’m grateful today for eating your pussy, y/n.”
#Writercookies🎀#enhypen#ni ki#enhypen niki#niki enha#nishimura riki#niki x reader#niki x y/n#enha fanfic#enha smut
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thanks for tagging me, bestie. I have a feeling most of my answers are gonna be smth like "NO I CAN'T CHOOSE" but here we go haha
1: What’s your current bias line?
danceracha, I think
2: Who’s the one that made you Stan?
Felix (felix effect strikes again)
3: What song was your first?
God's Menu
4: What’s your current favorite song?
This question is HARDDD. Uhhh, okay, wait. NO I HAVE TOO MANY FAVS???? I'll just say Red Lights and Megaverse 😭😭
5: What members personally resembles yours the most?
Definitely Hyunjin
6: If you had to pick a specific racha which would you choose?
uhhhhhhhhhhh (OP why must you choose such difficult questions) does paboracha count
7: What’s one attribute of the members do you like the most? (Example: Chans dimples)
felix's freckles and seungmin's smile
8: What’s your favorite album?
dude.
I like them all an unhealthy amount, I can't choose
9: Do you have any albums?
I have an ATE mini album and preordered a HOP album
10: Have you been to a concert?
Yes!! I went about a month ago. First ever concert too :)
11: Who’s your favorite duo?
WHAT IS WITH OP AND THESE IMPOSSIBLE QUESTIONS
I love minsung, but then there's hyunlix, but then there's hyunbin, but then there's jeonlix
no I will not choose, I love all the duos :(
12: Favorite cover/solo songs:
Alien or Hold my Hand by Han.
13: Favorite SKZOO?
Leebit
14: If you had a day with one member what would you wanna do with them?
hmmm. I would be happy with anything tbh. I'd probably let them choose because I'm indecisive. I don't mind which member either lol, they're all awesome
15: Who’s your favorite singing voice?
Han or Felix
16: Who’s your favorite to watch dance?
Hyunjin
17: Do you have a favorite SKZ Code?
I like all of them :(
18: Favorite MV?
Megaverse or Chk Chk Boom
19: Who do you think you’d be best friends with?
Probably paboracha 💀
20: Let’s feed those delusions, Who are you picking for a date and what are you doing?
I am nottttt answering this one LMAOOO
I'll tag @strayghostie and whoever else wants to join :)
.·:*¨ 𝑮𝒆𝒕 𝑻𝒐 𝑲𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑺𝒕𝒂𝒚 ¨*:·.
20 Questions for my fellow Stays!
Making a little tag game because I love them and I’m nosy tbh. I also just love interacting with yall!
1: What’s your current bias line?
2: Who’s the one that made you Stan?
3: What song was your first?
4: What’s your current favorite song?
5: What members personally resembles yours the most?
6: If you had to pick a specific racha which would you choose?
7: What’s one attribute of the members do you like the most? (Example: Chans dimples)
8: What’s your favorite album?
9: Do you have any albums?
10: Have you been to a concert?
11: Who’s your favorite duo?
12: Favorite cover/solo songs:
13: Favorite SKZOO?
14: If you had a day with one member what would you wanna do with them?
15: Who’s your favorite singing voice?
16: Who’s your favorite to watch dance?
17: Do you have a favorite SKZ Code?
18: Favorite MV?
19: Who do you think you’d be best friends with?
20: Let’s feed those delusions, Who are you picking for a date and what are you doing?
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so ok this might take some extra lore from me. so there’s film girl’s sorta kinda mutual friend (same hometown or w/e) that made out with my friend after i introduced them (the night of my fall). right. i’ve had the realization that she. really resembles jackie kennedy. she really does. i’ve always said she has the face of someone old u know when they were younger but i think that’s what i was searching for. anyway
#not important. just needed to share to someone#who am i gonna say that to. the friend. lol#abby talks#btw i still can’t put much pressure on my knee. do u think it was a full on bone bruise#i love learning abt that stuff. not in a hypochondriac way. just like ooo ok and what’s my body doing now!#back to her. like she doesn’t but she does. she does enough that it’s haunting me#you know. the bacon bits tweets
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Me: hm, I want something to put on the TV as background noise... Huh. Looks like YouTube is recommending something called The Last Unicorn. That's perfect, it's probably some old shitty animation that has aged poorly! I can watch it ironically!
Me, 2 hours later as the credits roll: *crying, cheering, buying the book, composing the songs*
Me, 2 weeks later: So I have compiled all of the quotes from the book that I think could make good tattoos, and also, HOW HAVE I NEVER LEARNED ABOUT HOW THE LAST UNICORN FUCKING SLAPS??? This gay-ass little fairytale fed my soul! Watered my crops! Transed my gender! Can't believe I heard of this story from youtube recommendations, of all places!!
#original#the last unicorn#tlu#peter s beagle#molly gru#schmendrick#schmendrick the magician#two of my favorite characters in anything right there in the center of the story! and I'm glad I saw the film first!#my reading ability has diminished due to trauma disability etc. but it seems like having a visual reference actually really helped!#no wonder i only ever want to read fan fic! turns out reading is not actually Superior to other types of Storytelling. it's just different.#to say otherwise is snobbishness I have been eminently guilty of in my life!#but like it is easier for me to consume tv and movies and that is fine actually. also that's why I'm doing a graphic novel lol#because i wanted to make something i would actually be able to read if i found it at a library. altho the audio book IS gonna be bomb#the audiobook is for visually impaired readers and anyone who wants or needs it! accessible stories for everyone! yeah!!#my gender was already transed but now I've gained an ADDITIONAL gender! which one? I'll never tell 😘#i am so powerful i have so much fuckin gender. my wife has no gender. and she is equally as powerful.#and also she has STUDIED THE BLADE#mostly zoro's blades from One Piece#normally YouTube recommends me shit movies like idiocracy or smth this is like if every day ur cat brought you a piece of rotten food and#then one day it brings you a BEAUTIFULLY ANIMATED TALE FEATURING MY BELOVED TWINK FUCK-UP WIZARD FRIEND AND MY ALL-TIME HOMEGIRL MOLLY GRU#and also it's soft and beautiful and funny and fucking weird!! i wrote melodies to the songs in the books on my ukulele
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how do the mounders get even better every session. what the heck. if my creative niche were writing instead of art it would be all over for you guys
#secret life spoilers#the mounders#secret life#life series smp#trafficblr#mcyt#pearl and bdubs insisting joel moves into mumbo’s house. hello#contrasting mumbo going red and actively trying to construct rupe goldberg machines to kill them and they’re like ‘mumbo my friend mumbo :]’#and joel going around culling horses for vengence/enrichment? and that actually causes some strife LOL#but AGAIN SPOILERS FOR SECRET LIFE SESSION 7. leaving off with two famously deranged reds and a scarlet pearl team??#I don’t think. I think I’ve mourned the possibility of a joel W honestly. but. I am SO excited they’re for aure taking people down with them#(and who could say. I think this season’s red life mechanics could really benefit joel. who is also good at surviving as a red for forever)#sorry joel main bias but they are all SO good. I miss mumbo I think his teammates are gonna kick up a fuss in his honor#like every phase and progression of them. SO good. I feel insane.#begging pleading cool thing are made about them by cool people but I may have to throw my rocks into the stone soup too. a heem heem
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Every time I see another theory that puts Perth on Non's side as his witness protector or his mafia escape artist or his BROTHER !!! or his boyfriend (no one has this theory. This is an agenda of me myself and I) I go a little more feral. Honestly I'm just a teething snuffling raccoon creature at this point
#now i do think tan is new it just makes sense#but wouldn't it be fun if he were actually just like phee's bestie#a fwb here to help out a homie he sometimes kisses#maybe tan is really named tan#and perth is an unnamed character BECAUSE his real name is a spoiler!!!#i love this theory ty tumblr user koddyroddy#that said i will gladly settle for perth as non's new on-the-run boyf yk in case you haven't heard me say it yet /manifests manifests#i get on my high horse about ppl who get too attached to their theories and get mad at dff for not being what they made up in their heads#lol AND on my high horse about people who want most of the cast to be better people than they are#but here i am like perth is gonna be a character who is 1. important 2. aligned with justice!!!!#if i want it enough it will be true!!!#first to go from thc for not crying enough but does that mean he can't Act? Hmmmm??? does that mean his character can't rock our worlds????#i ask you!#dff#dead friend forever#dear diary#dff spoilers#dff the series spoilers
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'this is like wanting your kid to get better by yelling at them and hitting them… you know it won't change/fix anything.'
EXACTLY I have been saying this for so long!! it's not gonna work and it's just gonna make everything worse. it's not a form of activism to just bully people until they conform to what you want; humans are autonomous people capable of choosing good, and like. we could be in the fandom of another band that doesn't even try, whose fans have given up on them and are just there for the music and the drama, but it's like the minute they do try to do something good they have to do activism a certain way and it almost becomes a kind of purity culture and purity culture is famously about control and not good for anyone.
but it's also people trying to be funny in the comments with thinly veiled frustrations that come out as insults about their appearance (which especially gets to me bc like. does body positivity stop if you're famous? or are they just idealised figures/bodies/personalities for us to look at and pretend our bodies don't change over time and we don't like it when they remind us that they actually do?) or their partners or how they express themselves. and it's the aura of entitlement that erodes their right to autonomy and individuality that gets me, not only because the way we get the creative music they make is them expressing that.
anyway i do think we as a fandom can do better and i want to attempt to start a conversation about that rather than trying to call people out in the comments. still thinking of how. there's a lot of people in the fandom who are struggling and exasperated with life and relate to their songs and the pressure has to come out somewhere; it ends up being in comments they feel like won't ever be seen except for by people who agree with them, at people who seem to far away and too big to ever see getting hurt by their comments. at least that's what I assume happens. but yes, they were bullying a cat
I agree with everything...
Was it always like this? It can't be because this is too much, none of the hate was on me and I couldn't take it, I wonder how the guys (or any celebrity) feels, being judged about the tiniest move you do, it's crazy I would totally lose my mind.
That's not how life is... yes I would love to be a fan of good people but if the gf/partner of the artist you're a fan of is bad and their friends are bad what does that make them? Maybe it's on you, maybe YOU should pick better idk 😭.
#like you don't have to like everyone around the guys they're not your friends. You don't know them.#maybe I'm the worst person to agree to this because yes i look up the ''drama'' or whatever and I'm nosy but i never thought for a second-#-that I can tell them what or who to hang out with...#because it's stupid. like here I am from across the planet and I'm gonna fix 5sos and their friend group yes totally not mental...#please 😭😭#Also is it activism if you tell them how they should say it and do it? If they say something it's not enough-#-if they don't they're the worst to walk on this earth. If they apologize for a mistake it's not sincere and won't be accepted.#How will anyone change if you don't even let them?#this fandom can do better but will it ever try? Maybe when it's too late.#too late as in they stop interacting with us ever... and i wouldn't blame them..#call me bald everyday i will write a paragraph about how you ain't shit. you WILL see me in fan wars lmao... ashton is better than me.#are the tags too much? im sorry i feel more comfortable here lol 😭#ask#5sos
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so things are not going well with my new elderly socdem friend unfortunately.
#she said this RIGHT after talking about how bad yt misinfo is... which she followed up w SO I WAS WATCHING A YT DOC ABOUT WW2 & LEARNED THIS#youtube 'historians' are literally the most fascist breed of youtuber. avoid the vast majority like the plague lmao#i asked if the video was sourcing the hollow dahmer & the black book of communism & she didnt seem to know what those are lol#to her credit i told her straight up that she was incorrect & she at least faked being curious about doing more research but i am doubting#she also 'learned' that lenin killed trotsky lol get your propaganda right lenin was dead by then STALIN icepicked him <3#anyway im making jokes bc the worst part was a different conversation where she spoke positively of israel#THAT'S gonna be the one to ruin our friendship. fuck you & your war tourist friend who fought in the 1960s landgrabs that youre now#telling me as if this is a cute story. nahhhh lmao i looked her straight in the eye & said i will NOT debate this#so she dropped it like the true enlightened centrist most socdem cowards are and i kept cleaning her house quietly#turns out You & Me We're the Only Ones Around Here Who Aren't Complete Fools was premature *kicks the poorly rendered gravel sadly*#shes otherwise a nice lady & i know i need to be more flexible in order to hopefully change ppls minds...#but also when people say awful & untrue things it makes me not want to talk to you 🤷♂️ srry 2 b a freak like that#also i know shes not transphobic but i havent sniffed her out well enough to know if shes safe to come out to#so its hours of misgendering (which isnt her fault she doesnt know) bc shes obsessed with neoliberal feminism and inappropriately brings#gender into conversations that it does not belong in#'did you know all the countries that handled covid best were ran by women?' 1) untrue 2) dont care finland still sucks#she also tried to tell me that european rich people learned to be nicer after the french rev & thats why europe is better than america...#girl shut up we learned how to be so good at racism and capitalism BECAUSE of europe. there is no such thing as a good rich person!!!#i pick my battles (genocide & anticommunist genocide revisionism) so i let her cook w that one & was not left convinced as you can imagine#ANYWAY rant about today's weird day done. gonna smoke weed & rim some skies 🥵 while listening to the Khrushchev Lied audiobook i found 😘
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#hello to anyone who happens to b interested in the saga of my life... also maybe the irl person i gave my url to... hopefully my blog#didnt freak her out too much lol. anyway so its been a busy week? 2 weeks? month? year? life? its been a lot. my parents helped me move#across the country from the desert to somewhere that's beautiful and green. my dad is so jealous of me lol its so so so pretty and theres s#so much to do. will i do any of it? that remains to be seen but im gonna try to be better about that sort of thing. try to get some help#with the thoughts in my head that keep me from doing and enjoying most things. its weird like im decorating my new room which i love. the#location and living situation seem ideal and i really hope i can stay here all 5 years of my program but i was picking a lot of bright#colors and now it feel uncomfortable. like if i wear things that r too bright or my room is too bright without dark contrast it feel weird#like if im wearing it it kinda makes me feel sick. idk what thats abt. anyway. ill try to heal my brain and im just so happy to b out of the#southwest. i was so so so excited when we were leaving thr city and even more so when we left the state. i cant believe im here. in December#it felt like a million years away and i really truely could not fathom how i was gonna survive that long. my thoughts were so distorted. but#i did and here i am. and in like a month i should b starting my phd program and my parents were telling me how excited ppl r for me and#jealous of where im living and im glad. im glad they're excited. i think i am too but its under a layer of: if i get excited it wont happen#im not allowed to b excited or it wont happen. which is irrational but ya kno. anyway so that's yeah. im so happy to have a fresh start and#the town seems super cool. a liberal blip in a sea of... not that so theyre very visibly pride forward haha and i think itll b way easier#for me to get around without driving. and im gonna try to make friends. i need someone to tell me where to get tattoos haha. so yea im happy#but exhausted and i dont wanna go back to work and so so greatful to my parents for being wonderful ppl idk how bc both of them had fucked#up childhoods. like my mum will say the saddest shit and im like bro this is y i don't wanna talk to my grandma fuck her and my dads parents#r so fucked. like my nana is the reason im so fucking control freaked out but i kno i have issues and she has no insight and thinks shes#better than everyone. anyway hopefully i can get back to drawing a posting more now. ive been drawing it its been in a sketch book#like an actual sketch book for sketching big ideas thst r gonna take fucking forever to draw 😭#so that's all. just uprooted my whole life. thats all. but in a good way :-]#unrelated
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i just don’t understand. why say ur ready to talk if you aren’t?
can u believe this post is what got me to reach tag limit
#vaugepostimg on main about an irl don’t mind me#i just. am feeling sad bcus i have been trying to keep my distance and respect the space they said they needed. and then they reached out to#me for their book club and said we should chat and i got excited! i miss my friend of course i got excited#still let them take the lead. i want them to be comfortable. they said they’d lmk what day they were free#and then proceeded to ghost me for like. almost two weeks??#(it was 10 days but !!! still!!! almost 2 weeks from them suggesting i come to book club which would’ve inherently necessitated an irl talk#and then after all that yesterday said they actually weren’t ready which. hurted#tbf i knew something was up after like 2 days of them not replying so it’s not like i was fully caught off guard it just really hurt#and like i feel weird bcus our social circles are really overlapped and i spent a lot of time with them last winter and i had thought#that would happen again this winter. we would swim together a lot and i consistently went to their house dinners#bcus if i care about you i show up! and i’m understanding ! bcus i am patient and kind person and as a triple taurus i’m not tryna rush ever#especially when it comes to people’s emotions ??? especially if someone has told me i hurt them???? like ik im an autistic lesbian but#despite popular conceptions on that particular identity. im not fucking evil ????? if you ask for space i will give you space !!!!!#and like when it comes to emotions and conflict i’m blunt but i’m caring and it takes a lot for me to be disinfranchised by people#or relationships. so i’m not saying i don’t want to still be her friend#i’m just. noticing behaviors#they did tell me that they were very avoidant in conflict and i told them i’m very much not and like. now that i’m on the receiving end of i#idk what to do!! i’m not gonna chase her down like they’re grown!! and again!!! if you ask for space i’m going to respect that!!!#and like honestly. i’m happy she at least gave me the curtesy of saying they weren’t ready to talk even if it took her mad long to do it#so like. who tf knows when we’ll talk. if ever. probably when she wants the validation of our friendship if it even happens at all#bcus again. she reached out not to reconnect and clear the air but to check if i still wanted to come to her club she was starting#ik in earlier conversations she was worried no one would come but ig she found people. which like good for her tbh but to be honest i feel#discarded?? i’m feeling like i’m failing to not project too much so i gotta stop but idk man i’m just feeling weird about it all#and then i had the thought today of like. is this what i want in a friendship? someone who goes back and forth abt whether or not i’m worth#which again. kinda wasn’t expecting that bcus we spent so much time together last autumn/winter/spring like. many times per week!!!#so the idea of not being her friend all of a sudden?? feels fucjing weird to think about#but like? i don’t want to feel this way this is what i hate about west coast/white people conflict resolution!! there fucking isn’t any!!!#and i can’t deal with that! i can’t spend my life with people who aren’t going to engage with me as a person who cares about them#humans are fallible creatures and were only here on earth for so long so why are we wasting time here? what is the point of all this ???????#but then the guilt and shame say i deserve it all and at that point i just need to stop so. i’m gonna stop now lol
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I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
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#this is such a niche gripe i guess idk its why it's in the tags#but i really get so annoyed by how a lot of this fandom acts like they know everything about her especially like where she goes#and what she does in her free time because they think they KNOW about everything but#all you know is what she chooses to show you like specifically paps like...... she calls them. all celebs do. 99.999999% of the time#these days it's how that industry works which i KNOW for a fact but like don't take my word for it if you don't believe me fine#but it's how it is and i can tell you that from professional experience but also like#the amount of friends and people i know who've seen her places all over the city for YEARS now#and there are no pap photos of her in those places nor did anyone know she went to that building/restaurant/bar/event#there are a feeeeeew places in the city which are celeb hotspots and the paps might skulk around there but that's cuz#they are known spots for that and waiters and staff tip them off for profit shares#like i know someone who saw her literally last night at a restaurant#there are no photos of her there and no paps outside#like if you think she doesn't leave the house or go somewhere without you knowing cuz you think she's papped everywhere...#thats just simply not true lol couldn't be FURTHER from true#she goes so many places and does so many things that you just don't know about. it's VERY easy to live a private life in the city#EVEN THIS WEEK she's gone more places than you've seen her getting papped at cuz i know people who've seen her!#i can't tell you the amount of famous people i've come across in these situations and the press and social media were none the wiser#people i've sat next to at a crowded brunch counter or people walking their dog or taking their kid for a bike ride like.... ALL THE TIME#famous people love new york cuz new yorkers don't bother them and they can live in relative obscurity#idk what i'm getting at i guess this weirdness like I AM GONNA SHUT DOWN ANYTHING THAT I DONT HAVE PROOF OF#is so deranged to me because...... you only have ~proof~ of like 10% of her life#so the other 90% of it didn't happen cuz.... you a blogger on the internet don't have photographic evidence of it????#IS THAT NOT THE MOST INSANE THING TO SAY????#idk really weird that people just think they know her and shut down any one who poses something that doesn't fit into their#frankensteined version of her that they made out of a bunch of paparazzi photos and flight trackers and deuxmoi posts taped together#as if THATS somehow MORE sane and a more realized person#idk if i'm making sense i'm annoyed whatever whatEVERRRRR
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not my online friend trying to have the "not all zionists" conversation with me rn
#we've talked about palestine before and she always takes the most centrist version of israel's side she possibly can lmao#i try very hard to never discuss politics with her but she is literally always the one bringing it up and it throws all my affection for he#out the window. like babe.... i'm jewish... you're not.... why are we even having this conversation besides you trying to prove smth#like an informal conversation is not the place for a fucking political debate and if you're not gonna recognize my pov#why am i even still friends with you.#it does make me genuinely sad but if i have to have this conversation again i may well and truly just block her#like she apparently has another jewish friend who seems to side heavily with zionist values (lol) but still acts like a centrist#so ik that's where she's getting the majority of her viewpoints from and it's so fucking grating like you're talking to another jew rn#why would i ever want to support nationalism of any kind when that's what lead to the fucking holocaust#why would you ever be lenient on a group of people who are actively commiting a genocide#i seriously just. like it makes me sick to my stomach that i even have someone in my life who doesn't get it#and i don't even know what to say like my 'i don't wanna be mean to a friend' shit is taking over#especially when she's not the kind of person i can just say anything to. we're not close like that unfortunately#so i've just been in limbo hoping she isn't gonna talk about it but i'm gonna have to put aside our friendship if she does this again#bc i'm not gonna be friends with someone who outright doesn't listen to me saying that my own people commiting a genocide hurts me#just because she wants to be one of those 'well this 'conflict' shouldn't be happening bc it's hurting innocent people :('#this is why i hate having any convos about this with people who haven't been politically engaged with palestine before the end of last yr#like my brother also doesn't fully get the scope of it but at least HE knows that israel (and even the concept of it) is evil and racist#sigh.
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i wish people who study in the medicine field just for the money to fucking die
#what do you mean you don't want to help people??? where's your ambition???#i know psychology its it own thing#but it is about helping people.#my best friend is studying psicology because she genuinely wants to help people#she has bpd and some of her classmates where saying stuff like uuh people who have bpd are fucking weirdos and don't deserve respect lol#what the fuck#even her teachers where so weird about comparing peoples problems saying uuh yours is not that important#or the fucking nurse who told her omg you have very ugly self harm scarsWHAT IS WRONG THIS THESE PEOPLE#now yesterday she threw herself from the third floor at her university. she is alive thank fucking god#but i am so fucking pissed the her university her mom is gonna press charges tooi swear i couldn't sleep i was just thinking bout her#we are so doomed as a society its so sad#bad english or whatever i dont care
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It's LITERALLY OCTOBER
#Oouuuuuuuuuiiiiiaaaagh#Saw someone cute today I'm soooo like#So. Like silly goofy I'm like ohhh they're looking at meeeee oh my goodness they're looking at me and I think they're cool#We should chatty taaaaaLk#But this was at a club meeting and I truly. I truly can't tell#If I'm just a bit self centered or if they're like INTERESTED#I'm soooo in soft mode today. This week. This life. Dude it's silly#I hope to see them again. Gonna make my friend who already wants to be friends with them... Let me third wheel 🤠😜🤗#I'm literally so quiet shy bad at talking it's awful. Like I'm sorry. But I'm just. Sooooo bad at talking about things. I don't remember#Anything ever how can I have opinions on songs or shows 😭 I don't even know their names 😭😭😭#But I am sooo full of observations and opinion even... Sometimes.. Sometimes.#I am literally so capable of being normal I just don't understand why it doesn't work out in certain settings. Cries#Anyways um.#IT'S OCTOBER LITERALLY WHO HAS AN OPEN HEART MIND AND ARMS LOL#Void talks#If you're in a club meeting and someone keeps looking over at you even though you're literally not saying anything. This means something?#Or you're just silly and they're surveying the room#Because after we were in a trio conversation n they kept looking over but I'm not sure if it was just to check if I was left out (which#Makes sense bc I could not contribute to the conversation meaningfully 🤧)#But even BEFORE? WHAT'S UR VIBE#Good at making eye contact maybe#I think I just like indulging in silly thoughts and entertaining myself#But also like. I feel like I'm being sooooo silly about it.#Melts.
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lowk it’s so depressing talking about the future with someone knowing you’re gonna k*s and not live till then …
#lol friend and i discussing how things wont be the same in a couple months and im like ..yea…#like erm uhhmmm yeahhh i totally know my ideal life (is not living to see the end of this year)#like oh ok i feel bad i hope she will not remember this day when i am gone lol#would not like to admit how hard i tried to stay silent most the time bc i was nervous id say im gonna be dead so who cares
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