#white picket fence romanticization

[shallowseeker]

re your carmen-silvia-amara post: i was talking to a mutual about carmen the other day and we were discussing where her name comes from. and i suggested the opera carmen and she suggested the model carmen electra. and now you suggested carmen 1983, which is very interesting!! that carmen has this pop culture track of being the hot and fun ideal woman. i don't think it's a coincidence they picked that name for her 👀

It's also a portmanteau of CAR-MEN. Two of the things Dean loves the most. 😏

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I kid, I kid. I love this, though @fivefeetfangirl. Lots of pop culture swirling around this unobtainable idea of the proper dream-girl, huh?

The model Carmen Electra (and, idk why but that makes me think of Elektra by extension):

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The opera CARMEN (1875)

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Carmen 1983 - (A dancers' troupe take on the opera; vibes like Baby & Swayze from Dirty Dancing but with their real lives taking on the ironic beats of the opera)

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There are so many takes looping back around to the Carmen opera. And another 1984 Carmen based more closely on the opera you mentioned, too, for what it's worth. :-)

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Interestingly, Sylvia Jones functions as a reverse of the opera Carmen. Connor is her Carmen, who she kills out of jealousy. (And narratively, the Dean-and-Cas unit, like I said in this ask, functions as a committed, non-idealized foil to the Dean-and-Carmen ideal!)

On the flipside, Dean functions as Chuck and Amara's Carmen. Chuck, according to Lilith, was psychosexually obsessed with Dean. And Amara, according to Chuck, "wanted Dean to care about her, but humans let you down every time."

In the end, the things Dean cares about are the things Chuck specifically wants to kill. Friends, family, romantic attachments, comrades, you name it! He only resurrects them if (a) Dean becomes too uninteresting without them or (b) it can lead to further torment.

In season 11, when Chuck wraps himself in Dean's dead-guy robe and overfocuses on Dean's skin-deep performances, we see that, in parallel to Amara, Chuck doesn't really know Dean at all.

(Compare to Mary and Jack, two others who get wrapped in the gray MoL robe, and who understand Dean a little too well. And of course, Dean wraps Cas in a similarly-styled gray blanket in season 11.)

To Chuck, Dean is just a symbol of psychosexual obsession. Dean is as ghostly and unreal to Chuck as the djinn-Carmen was to Dean!

ADDENDUM: Lily Sunder is Ishim's Carmen.

[alfredosauce50]

Parent headcanons: Alfred, Allen, Matt, & Mathias

When it comes to the trials of adulthood, they have their own ways of getting on top. But parenting is what really puts them to the test. Starting a family and being one of the sole carers for another person will shine a light on the best and worst parts of them.

The big news

Alfred

He has the most normal reaction out of the four. Panic, acceptance, then excitement, he’s finally moving onto the final stages of adulthood and achieving his lifelong dream. Being a suburban dad and getting that white picket fence. It’s not just about liking kids, Alfred is rather traditional when it comes to his values; he has always romanticized the American dream. He already has a good job, all he needs is to make it happen.

“Fuuuuuck,” He whispers, eyes wide as he rakes his hands through his hair. He stands there for a few minutes, staring into space as you watch him tensely for his reaction. “We’re ready to be parents, right?”

Allen

He will freak out. Planned or unplanned, he’s not mentally prepared to be a father. He doesn’t think he’s good enough, but knows deep down he has to be. That’s what really scares him. If he needs to improve himself, it’s now or never. So after a week of panicking and catastrophizing, he’s ready to give himself a second chance — even if it’s for someone else. But his selflessness is key to his perseverance, and eventual success.

“I fucked up,” He squeezes you like a lifeline. It was the only conclusion he could come to after hours of talking about it, the only thing he could ever truly understand. “I fucked up. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Mathias

He’ll be over the moon. He’s gonna be even more excited than you, but that’s kinda given when he doesn’t have to carry the baby and deliver it. Point is, Mathias is very family-oriented, so don’t expect anything less. He’s the most self-affirmed a person can be too, so he’s always ready to move onto the next stage in life. His nurturing character and openness to change will help you immensely in periods of stress and uncertainty.

“I’m so happy that I could cry,” He whispers with his head on your tummy. He’s half-awake after burning out from his own excitement, but his spirit is still in the right place. “We’re finally gonna have a family.”

Matt

Letting you into his life was already a miracle, and now he’s gonna be a dad? This is a human being that he’ll have to be responsible for, not something he can simply tap out of and run away from. Matt is driven by his interests, solitude, and above all else, his freedom. A baby would take away all of those things, and he’s so troubled by it that he disappears for a few weeks. He comes home to a slap, but it’s well-deserved.

“Are you gonna keep hitting me, or are you gonna let me go to my shed?” He sighs, closing his eyes as you keep wailing on him. And he just takes it, absorbing every strike that was your burning love for him.

“Why, so you can keep—” You shove him harshly so that he actually stumbles back. “—hiding from me?”

“No, I’m gonna build a crib and make some toys.”

Parenting style

Alfred

He’s everything you’d expect from a new parent. Freaking out over the little things, screaming when they do something new, burning out after weeks of sleep deprivation, etc. He isn’t perfect, and you��re gonna have to work with him like any other partner, but before you know it, the house is filled with photo frames. He’s your best friend, and sometimes before your partner, so he has a hard time giving and taking. But it’s also why you two will stick together through thick and thin.

Alfred eventually evolves into the archetype of fathers. He takes the backseat and tells his kids, ‘I don’t know, go ask your mother,’ or even gets in trouble for doing stupid things like leaving the toilet seat up. When you just finished yelling at the kids, he comes to them later and goes, ‘someone’s in a bad mood today,’ when he’s just glad it wasn’t him. But when it’s something really serious, he flips like a switch and takes the lead. When that happens, there’s no talking him down.

“Alright gang, ready to get the show on the road?” Alfred rubs his hands together excitedly before he starts the car. “When we get there, I want everyone to be on their best behavior. I’m already on thin ice.”

He has high expectations for his kids. Ever since they popped out, he’s been giving them the best of the best, like nice clothes, family trips, sports leagues, and dance. He also wants them to go to a prestigious university in the future and to do all the things he might have missed out on. Cue the ‘that’s your dream, not mine, dad!’ Alfred can be hard on his children when it comes to success, so you need to remind him they’ve got minds of their own and are not carbon copies of him.

He says he prefers sons until he gets a daughter. Alfred is an absolute sweetheart to his girls, and is way more lenient with them than his boys. He doesn’t mean to play favorites, but it’s just how he’s wired. However, it also means being quite strict and protective when they get to that age. No drinking and no sleepovers with boys present. Men are all animals according to him. But dad, aren’t you a man? Exactly! He’s the pioneer of ‘anything you do to my daughter, I do to you.’

Allen

He tried his absolute best to prepare, but it starts off a disaster. What can go wrong will go wrong. The baby gets sick, you’re away on urgent family business, so he needs to do it all without you. Allen stays in hospital with the baby overnight, and slowly, but surely, they get better. He ends up neglecting himself to put his child’s needs first, and by the time you get back, he’s burning up with a fever. But the baby is perfectly content and sleeping soundly in the crib because of him.

He wants the best for his family, even if it means sacrificing everything he has. He understands his limits, but there’s nothing he won’t do to make sure his kid gets every opportunity he never had. Sports, college, you name it. If everybody in class has branded sneakers, he’ll buy a pair just so they don’t feel left out. He’s always proud of his baby, and if anybody tried to bully them, they’ll have to answer to him. Allen sees the best of him in his child, but usually fails to see it in himself.

“You can have my egg. I’m not hungry, baby.” Allen says, sliding his plate to his little girl. He knows that you won’t be back with the groceries for an hour or so, and no kids are going hungry on his watch.

Allen doesn’t think there’s a particular way of parenting because no one child is the same. So long as they do their homework, get out under the sun, and have a good attitude, the rest is to be decided. If his child needs extra support, he’ll give it to them, and if they need a reality check, he’ll give that to them too. He reminds them how hard life can be without stability, so they should take their future seriously, but at the same time, he’s always gonna be there to give them a home.

Nobody would mess with his kids after one look at him. He’s an ex-marine without the ‘ex.’ His daughter will have trouble finding a boyfriend to begin with because of him, and when she finally does, they’re gonna have to gain his respect to be trusted with looking after his little girl. If his son ever gets into a fight, he’ll ask if he won then whoop his ass later. And in the principle’s office, he’s giving the other kid the worst stink-eye ever. He’s the dad that could beat up the other dads.

Mathias

He’s a total natural; all is well when the baby is in his care. He may be all over the place, but when he really cares about something, he’s in a constant state of hyper focus. The baby will always be clean, well-fed, and happy, so don’t worry about a thing. There’s also no such thing as 50/50 with Mathias. He knows that there will be times when one person has to take the lead. It’s not in his nature to keep track of who’s giving and taking the most. He’s too mature for that.

It’s like experiencing a second childhood for him. Reading picture books, fairytales, playing with legos, or going to places he went to as a kid, he treats parenthood as a chance to relive his best memories and love every second of it. He will never miss a parent event, performance, and appointment. His dedication makes him very perceptive of his child, so he always knows what to do or say to cheer them up. As they grow up, they maintain a very close relationship to him.

“We wanna go to Legoland!”

“You mean, you wanna go to Legoland,” You laugh at him, “I heard you talking to Bjorn about it last night.”

“That’s so he can make an informed decision, of course,” Mathias grins, not showing a hint of shame as he shuffles over with his phone on the home page of the Legoland site. “So I take that it’s decided?”

He’s a great parent, but he’s by no means strict. All he wants is for them to have a fighting chance in the world, like doing a job that they enjoy. He’s great at communicating with his kids and has a lot of compassion, which takes them a long way. He’s never had to discipline them besides setting boundaries and occasionally grounding them. You rule the home with a firmer hand, and maybe that’s why your kids respect you more but treat him more like a friend than a parent sometimes.

Mathias doesn’t bat an eye when his kids first start dating. He’s always been quite liberal, so he just tells them to be careful about the birds and the bees, then to talk to him if things get testy. The one thing he’ll do is to ensure they have high standards. Love is life’s reward, not something to cry yourself to sleep about. Eventually, he’ll invite their date over for dinner, and as it turns out, he’d be a great father in law. He’s very welcoming and treats any future Densens like one of his own.

Matt

He’s a trial-by-error, improvise as you go along kinda dad. He hasn’t put much thought into the trials of childcare, but he always works things out in his own way. If the bub keeps crying because they don’t want to be bottle-fed by him, he will cover his face with a picture of you. Easy-peasy. If they’re crawling around the bed, he will use them as a mousepad as he scrolls on his laptop. That way, he gets some leisure time while making sure they don’t actually go anywhere.

Matt is the opposite to a helicopter parent. When his kid trips and face plants into the ground, he doesn’t react. The trick is to not acknowledge it, because only then will they cry. He isn’t afraid to let them explore the world and gain their own agency. It’s good for them, he says. Some part of you thinks he just wants them to grow up quicker so he doesn’t have to take care of them anymore, but there’s always those special little moments.

“How about I teach you how to drive the truck?” Matt asks, walking back home with the family.

“He’s eleven.” You remark.

“Is that a problem?”

He’s all about the family business. If his children don’t want to go fishing and logging with him, fine, but if they show even the slightest bit of interest, he’s bought. Matt will be more than eager to show them the ropes. He takes them on camping trips to show them the beauty of the great outdoors, and the humility it takes to be apart of it. The art of it all is there’s no problem that can’t be solved, and even a rugged man like him can be domesticated by the right person.

If his daughter got a boyfriend, he’d be waiting at home with a shotgun. Matt will then play it off like he just got back from a hunting trip. He’s the type to use silent intimidation, and it works like a charm. If not, he’ll tell jerks to get off his lawn even though he doesn’t have one, and when they ask what lawn, he’ll just say “all of it.” What he means is to get out of his sight and the woods, which is the lawn he’s talking about. (Ha!) On the flip side, he’s nice to girls his son brings home.

Losing the spark

Alfred

He has a tendency to let himself go when he gets comfortable. This usually happens when his first kid reaches their teenage years and he can afford to sit back now that they can do their own thing. He’s established a stable family unit, but he takes that for granted and gets a little lazy. As a result, he packs on a few pounds and tries less in the relationship. He’s not as attractive as he used to be, and you’re having more petty arguments.

“Why do I feel like you hate me?” He watches you mop the kitchen after you told him to do it. Only he delayed it to sit around on his phone and eat crisps. Even then, he still has the nerve to be upset about it.

“I don’t hate you, I’m just annoyed at you.”

“But you’re annoyed with me everyday.”

Allen

Losing the spark? Not on his watch! He never stops trying, ever, and keeps chasing you like when he first started dating you. His stability doesn’t come from money, it comes from you. You’re his rock, and nothing else matters so long as you’re here. He’s the epitome of ‘you know how daddy is about mommy,’ and he’s proud of it. He also takes great care of his body, and with his good genes, he practically ages backwards.

“You better wear that button-down shirt tonight, Al. A tank top isn’t gonna cut it,” You tell him.

“You callin’ me a deadbeat?” He questions.

“No, but you dress like one.”

“I thought you liked my clothes, babe.”

“I do, but the teachers won’t.”

“True that.” He fixes his collar in front of a mirror. He peers at his reflection, marveling at how well he cleaned up. A dress shirt and belt? He’s practically unrecognizable — until he grins, that is. “Still got it.”

Mathias

He’s always gonna be young at heart, so his spirit never dies. His love for you is as constant as a river, and he’s not afraid of putting on a show for the kids to the point they get a little disgusted. (Ew!) He doesn’t think he’d ever be too old for romance, and his good faith shows up in how gracefully he ages. He might occasionally grow out a thick beard, and when he shaves it off, he looks devastating close to when he was younger.

“Are we ever gonna be alone again?” He mumbles, pouting. His thirtieth birthday is coming up, but he hasn’t changed a bit, save for the more pronounced smile lines around his mouth. “I need some love too.”

“We will, Mat. I just don’t feel comfortable leaving the baby alone right now,” You shake your head.

“We could call Amy and have a date night.”

“I don’t know, Mat.”

“I’ll shave off my beard.”

“Huh?”

“You wouldn’t say no to me without a beard.”

Matt

The longer he’s with you, the harder he loves. His feelings don’t change when things get hard, or as time passes. They just get stronger. In that same breath, he also ages like wine. In the end, he ends up being the bigger romantic. He used to be a lone wolf, and he thought he was okay with it, but now that he has you, he can’t imagine his life without you. To think you actually stuck around and gave him a chance, he’ll never forget that.

“Wanna go back inside and do it?” He mutters.

“You’re disgusting, Matt.” You walk inside without sparing him a single glance. No matter how old he gets, he’ll always have a mouth on him. No matter how old you get, you’ll always forgive him for it.

“Is that a no?”

“Make me dinner and let me think about it.”

“Deal.”

[aspureasamelody]

The piece of a white picket fence Clay keeps in his room to remind him of home and represent the romanticized but fictitious ideal of a perfect little American family (that he never had)

[goblins-riddles-or-frocks]

Do you mean Katniss Everdeen?

The original tag was @susandsnell’s but I assumed it was about Katniss Everdeen.

At least personally, I don’t think her getting guilt tripped into marrying Peeta and having children with him is a fulfilling ending for her whatsoever. I guess unpopular opinion, but her feelings for him always read to me as more platonic and that the romantic angle was more being forced on her. And she literally starts out the series explicitly stating that she never wants children!

I understand the thematic thing Collins was trying to do, where by suggesting that Katniss feels safe enough to have children, it illustrates that the games are like well and truly over and they live in a society that’s safe for children now. But I don’t care lmao I don’t think the protagonist’s wants and desires need to be crushed in order to make that theme happen. In the first book we also see how resentful Katniss feels about being forced into the role of a caregiver, and just, nothing about her suggests that, after All That Trauma, she’s somehow going to be more amenable?

If Collins really needed to make that point end it with her be a fucking school teacher idk. Or give one of her few still living friends a kid and note that she’s feeling optimistic about it. The entire nuclear family set up just felt truly gross and forced on her to me— and the emphasis on how traumatized she still is just read to me like she’s all around unhappy with her life. Like obviously trauma does not magically go away but it truly felt like the book was sacrificing all chances of personal happiness for Katniss to make that ending happen.

And even then, if the execution was good, if it was completely believable that that is what happiness looks like for her by the end of the story, I still dislike it narratively. Why must marriage and a baby be the only way the story telegraphs success and happiness for its female protagonist?

If the main point is about the future of the children of Panem, Katniss is herself a child, the epilogue’s timeskip notwithstanding. Why isn’t it enough to focus on her security and future without making her a mother?

The white picket fence ending feels like an especially bizarre choice to me next to the way the series also presents Snow trying to force an idyllic narrative on her for the Capitol audience. Like consider the framing of the showy wedding dress and fake wedding planning, Peeta claiming that she’s pregnant to try to garner more audience and therefore donor sympathy, or even the propaganda video they try to film in the third book where they try to make her look glamorous and it entirely falls flat, and they end up doing a candid video instead. The narrative keeps making a point of how Katniss is idealized and romanticized in this very traditionally feminine way and how alien that feels to her. And then… the series ends with her framed in the exact same way?

But then, that’s always been my main problem with the Hunger Games in the first place. It’s far too enamored with the pageantry it’s also trying to critique, and it ends up undercutting its own purpose. So yeah, I guess, it isn’t surprising that the toothless series has a toothless ending but shfhff doesn’t mean I have to like it!

[syoddeye]

feel free to ignore this one-

i have been a big fan of fanfiction for a while and recently got into cod. and ive noticed a lot of poetic writers tend to head down the noncon/ddne territory, and i guess it’s always a conflict for me?

cus it’s beautiful, but always so fucking sickening. nasty stuff for sure. and being one of my favorite authors, i guess im asking if you believe the writing is supposed to justify it? romaticize it- instead of condemning? maybe it slips past me but im always unsure if the writing is supposed to be seen as strictly art that divulges into the depths of a dark mind and a bad man- or it’s indulging in a fantasy.

im breaking from my comfortable shell from the ‘white picket fence happy ending cute tale’ fanfiction and actually really enjoying reading dark fics because good ones do such a wonderful job at toeing the ‘this is so beautiful but I feel like vomiting’ line- but in the back of my mind i wonder if it’s supposed to be read in a positive light- like the assaulter is…good?

im a bit new to it all which is why I guess there’s a shred of shame in it, because I don’t like the actions in ddne. they’re unsettling, gross (unfeminist? unsure) - but the writing is often times why i have to finish them because it’s jus so beautiful, pulls you in. your guts are all shriveled but your mind is wide awake and your mouth is wide open like you’re trying to swallow the poetry whole (not to be dramatic).

have you ever felt this? or am i jus like. vanilla.

hey friend, thanks for your patience on this.

i know you’ve already reached back out and i’m glad the links shared here helped. i’m gonna respond to both asks here because i don’t want to break your anonymity without your consent.

i’m also disabling reblogs. everything below this is my opinion and experiences. other folks will obviously feel differently. (if any of my smart and talented friends want to chime in or correct me, please do.)

first, i respect and appreciate your openness. you are kind and your thoughtfulness shines through both messages. feeling conflicted about complicated and difficult topics is normal. not to get all woo-ey off the bat, but we’re human beings. this is our first time planetside and all that. it’s important to cut yourself some slack. this post is generally how i see it:

“the human brain is weird. sex fantasies ≠ actual desires. if you ask yourself, “would i want to act out this thing in real life” and the answer is “fuck no,” then you’re fine. shipping is also not an indicator of what you would condone in real life. you are not secretly a monster. you are a human being. human beings are complicated.”

you ask: [do] you believe the writing is supposed to justify it? romanticize it- instead of condemning?

no, and this is where i think the posts i shared help. i do not believe dead dove or dark fic justifies sexual assault and rape, in the same way i do not believe games or horror films make people violent.

you also share:

“maybe it slips past me but im always unsure if the writing is supposed to be seen as strictly art that divulges into the depths of a dark mind and a bad man- or it’s indulging in a fantasy.” “in the back of my mind i wonder if it’s supposed to be read in a positive light”

this just tells me you’re engaging with fiction in a normal way. it’s normal to process how a story affects you. when reading fiction that depicts the disgusting, there’s a chance you feel disgusted. you remind me of how i felt when i first started reading dark fic. i had to unpack and grapple with years of being told any sexual fantasy that wasn’t heterosexual + monogamous + only explored after marriage was a one-way ticket to superhell and made me an awful person. surprise, it doesn't!

again, i’ll echo my first reply in case anyone needs to see it again: content warnings and tags aside, if readers hit an unexpected limit/boundary/landmine in a fic that they know will adversely impact or trigger them, they need to exit immediately. disengaging from fanfic is a reader’s responsibility. no one is forcing anyone to read fanfic, and no one should feel like they have to finish fanfic because it’s beautifully written, at the expense of their well-being. 

(to note, because i don’t want folks to think i’m ignoring it, but i’m not going to wade into what’s feminist or not when it comes to fiction. i think that’s a whole other discussion and i’m not in the headspace to engage.)

(another note, semi-related - something that continually frustrates me in the broader discussion of dead dove and dark fanfic is the pressure for victims to share personal information to justify their opinion, no matter where it falls. while i do share some stuff about my personal life, i do have limits. i’ve been asked point blank in my ask box and ao3 comments if i’ve ever been sexually assaulted, because some folks feel entitled to that information to ‘justify’ my writing about it. people can and will make their assumptions, but i will never divulge that info here, on tumblr.com, of all places. that’s a hard line for me.)

to your second message, i am sincerely happy that those links helped. it really boils down to ‘it doesn’t equal your actual desires’. you said it was a huge relief to see that, and it is! again! i felt a galaxy brain moment when i stopped hating myself for liking darkfic. reading/writing dark fic isn't an endorsement.

and and and not to sound like your grandpapa out on the porch, but now that i know your age—you are young. do not beat yourself up for learning or not knowing your limits just yet. i am in my 30s and learning shit about myself all the time. i’ll be 60 and having lightbulb moments reading fanfic.

okay. i think i’ve yapped enough. linking to early’s post again because it’s so, so good.

[shallowrambles]

Soas not to hijack this lovely post about Ruby's manipulation...

This goes back to the generic-fandom tendency to see absolutist truth in the mouths of villains instead of a layer of truth or an unflattering reflection of a character's hidden anxiety.

The villains so often chisel out the most uncharitable, two-dimensional explanation of a situation, and even utilize an underlying hang-up, like Sam's issues about feeling like a poverty-stricken, podunk outsider, "a freak."

And the thing is, sometimes the villain's interpretation is just flat-out wrong!

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Other times, it's a flattening of multiple complex, sometimes competing, truths, like how AU Michael acknowledges Dean's probably-real, underlying issues

of feeling like Sam is a burden who abandons him

that Jack is a burden he didn't ask for

that Cas is someone he owes everything to but who also hides things and makes mistakes over and over

But those are just a tiny portion of what Dean feels, and so you get this messed up, black-and-white, face-value interpretation of a situation.

Everyone has fleeting feelings of negativity. Sometimes, we even have drawn-out pity parties and languish in our worst thoughts. Sometimes, we all long for escape and easier lives, and that includes the love and work we put in to maintain our cherished relationships. We wish it could be easier, or that we could get away from it all.

But the thing is, we know Dean wasn't happier when it was just him and John, and extrapolating that, we know he was indeed grief-stricken by Jack's death and he does indeed want Castiel around just as much as he is grateful for his heroics and frustrated by their past baggage.

Real relationships have baggage. This is a theme that optimism and Amara's idealization of her nursery warn us about! We are supposed to beware of this kind of figmentary Apple White Romanticization/White Picket Fence Idealization.

Anyhoo...

///

Ruby uses insecurity to great effect. She plays Sam, disrespects Sam, and puffs up her plans as the right ones.

///

So does Zachariah, throughout his entire tenure.

We got our vintage, classist Zach, who showed Dean a world where not protecting Sam led to a devil-incarnate-Sam. And the other half of this nightmare scenario is the degradation of Cas, that staying with Cas would literally turn him into a performing!Dean 2.0 to the power of ten.

This never never happened, because it was a reflection of Dean's fear. In fact, when Cas broke bad, he broke bad in his own unique, tyrannical Chuck-adjacent way, not Dean's mode of fatalism. He never even saw it coming the way that it came!

///

We also saw Zach turn his shit on Adam, hurling classist stereotypes about his half-brothers and trying to demean them in such a way as to get Adam to lose hope in them and in their hope of rescuing him.

///

Then, we got the cruel, torturous Good Intentions AU version of Zach:

JACK: What about Sam and Dean? ZACH!CASTIEL: Well, if only they’d accepted you, instead of teaching you to fear your powers. JACK: My powers… ZACH!CASTIEL: Because they feared them. Now, if you’ll just do as I say—

We know that Sam, Dean, and Jack's powers is more complicated than simple fear, though fear is an undeniable layer of it!

///

Anyhoo. This tension.

It's why characters like AU Michael and season 15's Belphegor do what they do!

You're supposed to wonder, "Hey, wait a minute. That's not the full scope of the situation here, is it? That's not how life is. Life is waaaaay more complex. My feelings are letting me see the absolute worst of the situation!"

[romanceyourdemons]

i deeply enjoyed david cronenberg’s psychological thriller a history of violence (2005). conceptually, the film reads as a spiritual successor to david lynch’s blue velvet (1986) and an answer to martin scorsese’s goodfellas (1990), films that, like this, superimpose two of the most fundamentally all-american literary worlds, the world of the white picket fence small town and the world of noir-inspired east coast organized crime. as in blue velvet (1986), this film depicts an exaggeratedly innocent small town, with a copland-esque score and cronenberg’s visuals further developing the sense of secluded, venerable, trustworthy cleanliness he used for the stephen king small town in the dead zone (1983). just as goodfellas (1990) uses the brief glimpse of this kind of town to indicate its uniquely romanticized take on the american dream, so does this film use a brief glimpse of the kind of world of crime built up in goodfellas (1990) to indicate its own romanticized take on the american dream. in both cases, two distinct, familiar, and usually utterly segregated romanticized visions of all-american life, and the associated views of masculinity, are laid side by side for the audience’s view. however, whereas both goodfellas (1990) and blue velvet (1986) present the world of noir and the world of the white picket fence as so utterly distinct that the portal between them can only be traversed by one person, this film shows these two legendary, mutually incompatible americas—the america you are supposed to want and supposed to find emasculating, and the america you are supposed to be forced into and supposed to find titillating—coexisting in compartmentalized cognitive dissonance in the film’s characters. the film has two sex scenes between viggo mortensen’s ex-hitman character and his small-town wife; the first (literally) fetishizes the innocent apple-pie high school experience, and the second fetishizes the violence and danger of the world of organized crime. despite their apparent polar differences, both worlds center around clearly parallel fictions of masculinity, where the specter of homosexuality looms large and the capacity for violence is expected—demanded—even though actual displays of violence are met with horror, disapproval, and punishment. due to the messier connection this film presents between the worlds, it does not have the clean, portal fantasy-like ending of blue velvet (1986) or goodfellas (1990); at the end of the film, all the characters are uncomfortably aware of how tenuous and unreal their beloved american dream worlds are, and have no choice but to steel themselves to return to the dream. i deeply enjoyed the story, style, and presentation of a history of violence (2005), and i would highly recommend it

[battle-of-alberta]

hypothetical comic where calvin goes to therapy for being a bisexual disaster among other things.

so like. i deliberately don’t say one way or the other where on the platonic-romantic spectrum ed and cal fall on because of a lot of reasons but mostly just because i think the tension and ambiguity is 1. most interesting/funniest and 2. most accessible for multiple readers who want some room to imagine, particularly because being aroacespec i get that romance repulsion Happens sometimes. It happens for me occasionally so I don’t want to lock anything in stone, at least for the main duo the story centres around.

that said i do have a whole hypothetical mental image of “if it was a romo/sexual relationship, this is how the characters would theoretically react over this range of time/historically.” because I love hypotheticals that don’t have to be “canon” and because I am interested in queer history as a queer person myself, especially in this province where... well. if you know you know.

Now that i am getting paid real money to actually research queer history locally? I think about it way more.

on to the hypotheticals if you are interested...

- i think calvin would have had an awareness of his slightly-fluid sexuality at the very least from the 70s on, especially because sexuality was such a huge part of white collar oil man culture in some of the worst most misogynistic ways but also for other reasons. I think he definitely would have started questioning what was “normal” and “acceptable” at that time, but I think he learned very quickly not to ask too many questions. He did grow up on Bible Bill’s radio show in the 30s, which set this tone of repression, eugenics, and hostility that we are still reeling from.

- his victorian upbringing combined with this 1930s ethos plus all the nostalgic romanticism built up in the 1910s is the emotional soup that makes calvin hallucinate that he’s actually a normal person who CAN have the job and the wife and the white picket fence and 1.5 kids occasionally. He tries not to overthink it most of the time.

- i expect this conversation didn’t take place until the 2010s. despite calvin’s cushy workplace benefits i think mental health, therapy, etc. especially for someone in such a traditional conservative environment was just not considered even if it was available earlier. and talking about sexuality? forgetaboutit. that said, I think calvin is more progressive than we give him credit for sometimes and I actually think he would be most likely out of any of them to seek this kind of stuff out

- likewise i think after his falling out with ed he does a bad job of patching things up, but once he puts his mind to using his knowledge and skills of being a people person and being genuinely interested and excited about organizations in his city, he figures out how to talk about it with people in his own way. i think when people think about queer history they tend to think of the bar/club scene and it’s more than that, especially after certain events in canadian, american and international queer communities. so by the time he goes looking, there are already resources that have been operating for decades! I don’t know much about the specifics of calgary queer history (yet) but i know that these things absolutely exist to this day.

- eventually some therapists have to learn to work with immortals which they definitely did not cover in their certification.

[ursidaez]

my friend sent me a sc calling bennie siegel a serial killer and iv been thinking of this all day and night now...... the definition of serial killer refers to a deeply specific subset of murderer thinking of it... usually inferring a victim who is "innocent" and "undeserving"., not as though anyone deserves to be killed, but you typically imagine it as an individual murdering a series of people who are strangers to them....., who lives a normal life besides..., who follows a pattern of behavior..... really we are very specific with the culture around it. i think that... the reason it was jarring to me, is because media romanticizes the mafia so deeply....& the specific nature in which we interact with the (also romanticized) concept of a serial killer makes it difficult to view someone whose career. was essentially killing people. as the same. there is the default of "he only killed made men/its different when theres motive/organized crime is inherently different from crimes of passion/perverse intent"... what is it that makes it more socially palatable to create films and shows about real mafia members... but there is an inherent disgust to films and shows of serial killers... seen also in outlaws and the concept of "wild west".... perhaps time desensitization? the ability to detach from a victim who 'chose' a life of crime vs a white picket fence victim? much to think about...

[because-she-goes]

nineteen hundred eighty five

warnings: masochism/sh, couch scene, eating raw meat, Nora and Matty as intellectuals, a dash of sub!matty w/ dom!nora, swearing. Enjoy!

They were six months out from the album being released. Of course Nora had heard what they were working on so far and loved the live, organic energy. Her voice even hidden deep under layers of guitars and bass in some tracks. Matty had promised her no one would be able to know which song or hear her, so she agreed. What she didn't plan on, was him asking for her creative input on an interlude he was planning that would separate the “Being Funny” and “Greatest Hits” section of the concert. When he had first brought it up to her they were sipping their morning teas in their cozy California home. A much larger space than their New York and London apartments, especially with their studio spaces. The home wreaked of “art couple”, pictures plastered everywhere, flowers in unique vases sporadically placed on tables and counters, massive his and hers studios next door to each other that they had used two bedrooms for, a sitting room complete with library and sketch pads with markers for jotting down quick ideas for lyrics or paintings, a media room filled with DVDs of movies and vinyls they love, large open kitchen with windows everywhere for beautiful natural light and lastly a cozy yet romantic dining room with candles and fairy lights everywhere. Truly like someone had taken their brains and turned them into interiors. Greenery everywhere, ivy crawling up the white brick cottage’s walls, picket fence, the whole nine yards of a quaint american-english home. Nora was the main planner/buyer of the operation what with Matty being in New York and London every week working in the album with Jack or Jamie, but she made it a point to ensure the home felt warm and lived in - a place where he could come home, dump his shit at the door and relax. Not have to think about work or the band, just be himself, not Truman or Matty. Obviously, she didn't dare touch the home recording studio, all of that being left up to him and George to decide what he’d need. She also let him pick stuff for their bedroom and bathroom since she wanted him to still feel a part of the whole ordeal. This was their forever home so why shouldn’t he have input. He opted for a jade-green tile shower with twin wooden sinks and a block bathtub. For their sleeping situation, he wanted a big platform bed with blackout curtains covering their floor to ceiling windows (“Nike, my jetlag will be terrible coming home from traveling, they’d be so helpful!” He explained one evening over the phone) and two wood bedside tables with artwork. Keeping the space calm, zen and relaxing.

Getting back to the interlude, he had told her that the general idea of it - and tentative title - would be A Depiction of Masculine Romanticism. They had started planning and researching almost immediately, checking out books from their local library that afternoon about performance art and certain ideas Matty had already had: using Bukoswki interviews, The Virgin Suicides and Buffalo ‘66 clips to be playing in the TV sets behind him, discussing how people fake certain aspects of themselves or hypersexualize themselves to appeal to potential partners, as well as the whole ridiculous idea of Matty being a sex symbol in today’s world. Hearing all of this, it made Nora think of Yoko Ono’s Cut Piece where she sat full dressed in front of an audience and on a PA system granted them permission to cut her clothes and take the piece with them - some approached her shyly and cut small pieces out of the hem of her skirt or top while others were bold and began cutting the center of her blouse or chunks of her bra straps. Ono herself describing it as a “give and take” between the participants and her - much like a romantic relationship. There was also the instruction given in her book Grapefruit, Nora remembered, where she instructed a group of individuals to simply touch each other and it was up to each participant how far to go with said message. She brought this up to Matty that evening while in bed, showing him the book and exact message. Glasses slipping down his nose, wild curls in every direction, stubble dotting his jawline as he carefully flipped through it and read each passage.

“This is wonderful stuff, I was already contemplating taking my own shirt off and playing into the whole machismo thing with my tattoos and stuff. Thanks, baby!” He pecked her cheek, continuing to read on.

“Handsome, would you pass me that stack of Bukowski books? I want to highlight some stuff you could post across the TV.” She asks saccharine sweet, and he hands them across the bed sheet.

“Find something you love, let it kill you… I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of…A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.” She mumbles to herself, orange marker inking the pages.

“Nike love, remember that movie Buffalo ‘66 we watched one night, and how the guy is telling the girl to fake being in love with him? To sell the idea of them being married or something? I think that could work right like that bit?” He asks, brown eyes facing hers.

“Yeah, that would be really good! Plus, it would play into the clown character you do in the videos sometimes when you have a love interest like the Change of Heart couple.” She adds, thinking back to hearing him mention the other day on the phone to Jamie how he wanted to reprise the role for a new song off their album. “Plus, if you wanted to use The Virgin Suicides like you mentioned, practically the whole movie is about men exploiting young girls for their bodies and playing with their emotions so that would definitely work.”

“Have I mentioned how much I love you and your brain, Nora Downey?” He sweetly prompts, taking her cheek in his hand and rubbing the apple of it with his thumb.

CONTENT WARNING START: SH, MASOCHISM

“Only a few thousand times, Handsome… and I love you and yours too.” She melts, moving closer to him and tucking herself under his arm, now reading his book about Gina Pane and the use of her body as the vessel for artistic expression - st times even using the act of masochism and how people react to it as the art itself.

“In Unanesthetized Climb (1971) she climbed, barefoot, a ladder with rungs studded with metal protrusions, stopping when she could no longer endure the pain. For the installation series Action Notation she mixed photographs of her previous wounds with objects, such as toys, glass, etc., from her previous actions…” Matty’s hair falls in his face as he speaks, a hand rakes through it combing it back out of his eyes. “The process was controversial since it almost always involved an element of masochism: cutting her tongue or her ear, sticking nails into her forearm, smashing through a glass door, ingesting food to the point of nausea.” An idea sparks, he’ll come back to it later. He yawns. Nora’s eyes trained on his mouth like a hunter waiting for just the right moment to attack. God, how were his lips so pink? “Pane no longer based her approach on direct bodily experience, although the body remained pivotal and retained its symbolic significance through figures (cross, rectangle, circle) and materials (burnt or rusty metal, glass or copper).” Matty continues, breath shaky. He knew this was good, but he himself was not a masochist of this caliber yet, however Truman Black could be. Nora noticed the gears in Matty’s brain start to turn once he stopped reading. Despite the graphic content, she was fascinated with Pane’s work. She could see the clear connections between this physical mutilation and the emotional trauma women endure. One of Pane’s performances making this exact argument, it involved her laying on a mental frame with candles underneath, her body unmoving and unyielding to the slow burn - physically representing the pain some women experienced in their own bedrooms, with a partner or simply during sexual relations. Nora grimaces at the thought, bitterness suddenly soaking her tongue.

CONTENT WARNING END: SH, MASOCHISM

“…Okay! Think that’s enough of that for the night.” Matty swiftly states, ends of the book clapping together. “Do you want some tea or anything before bed, Darling?” He asks, getting up and making his way to the door. Her mind turns. Why has he been making the tea every night? Where did all her sweets go?

“Oh very smart, Matthew! I knew you’d been sneaking the chocolates at night while making the tea!” She gets up, chasing after him as he giggles over his shoulder - face bright red like a thief caught in the act.

“But they’re so good!!” He exclaims, running down the hall.

The following week, Matty is sat up in bed reading. Nora asleep in a heap next to him, snoozing away calmly. Bags under his eyes darker than normal and stubble more pronounced. Unbeknownst to Nora, Matty had spent every night for the past week reading about different performance artists, in an attempt to keep up with Nora during their meetings with Jamie and Patricia every few days. He was tired, but he liked the quiet evenings of studying - missing out on it during the ages where he would normally be at college or uni, as his brother now called it. He’d bring whatever book he was reading with him to the studio with the guys and read while George made the backing tracks.

“Mate, a tour isn’t a thesis essay. We can just have 10 minutes of us talking and the fans would be happy.” The giant points out in his deep voice.

“I am just reading so I don’t seem like a wanker when talking about this stuff to Nora, Mate.”

“Oh her? You’ll never outdo her. She’s got a brain the size of The Shard!” Ross cracks back at him.

“Yeah, Matt. She is like an oxford scholar or something with all the stuff in her head!” Adam chirps.

Matty grumbles something about his friends talking about her head as his nose goes back to his book.

Some months later, Matty has his interlude finalized. Nora hasn’t seen anything about it since those first few weeks, but here she was on opening night of At Their Very Best. Her black outfit matching his all black suit perfectly. The patent leather gleaming in the concert lights. Her brunette hair is worn down, gently caressing the small of her back.

The first half is going great, the fan’s screaming every lyric as if they themselves wrote it. Nora now hears the music she had suggested to Matty for the performance - “Nothin In The World Can Stop Me Worryin Me Bout That Girl” by The Kinks. It was a song from a movie she loved as a kid and it talks about a girl being unfaithful and her partner still loving her despite the pain. Matty, now up on the stage before her does as he told her moons ago, takes off his black button down to the cheers of the crowd. Nora’s stomach sank when he started doing the following action, something they certainly never discussed or something she never got a warning about. He saunters over to a crinkly leather couch, takes some puffs of a cigarette, hollowed cheeks accentuating his lips perfectly. He puts an oxygen mask to his face and continues to do things only Nora has seen when Matty is needy, pleading for her and aching to be touched. He feels his thighs, his own hands drifting everywhere hers wouldnt on those nights where she teases. His breathing goes erratic, chest starts to heave. Nora’s thighs begin to burn and at the apex of them she feels like a flame is being held to her skin. Her leather skirt suddenly feeling too restrictive. She is frozen, mouth agape, eyes unblinking. He simulates things only she has seen while on FaceTime while he toured and missed her. Her mouth drools. She looks at him like someone who has been starved for 6 years and suddenly sees a feast in front of them. Ravenous.

It is then that her Matthew bucks into his hand, head thrown back, jawline sharp enough to cut through glass. Cheers and screams of lust fill the room, it is deafening. She can’t hold it together anymore, sprinting to the side entrance to the stage, flashing her lanyard to security. She halts only when the edge of the spotlight is just about to hit her boots. Surrounded by the guys, Patricia, Sam, Jamie and the band, she is in shock.

He gets up off the couch, takes one final drag of a cigarette and as if he knows she’s there like a radar is in his brain, he fucking looks over his shoulder and winks at her with a devilish grin. Now the music shifts: an instrumental of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by the Rolling Stones. He kneels like a disciple in front of the TVs as they flash on. Bukowski’s words flashing across them with the footage of Buffalo ‘66 and The Virgin Suicides. Matty lays his head down in a sort of down-ward dog yoga pose, lanky arms outstretched - his shoulder blades jutting out like a fallen angel’s wings. Music taking over him as his chest heaves even more. He shifts a bit and moves to do push ups. Nora is now like a rabid dog at the side stage. Practically foaming at the mouth. He has her right where he wants her. George has to physically hold her back to keep the girl from running out onto the stage. Her brain analyzing each inch of his marble skin as it squeezes and contracts into the exercise to hold his weight suspended.

He comes to a stop and pivots on his knees. The music crescendos. Mick Jagger’s screaming now being played with the choir and guitars. Piano plays manically. Choir builds. A tomahawk steak is brought out to him, he takes a glance to the audience and to Nora, another wink. The audience goes to a level 10 wild. He devours the raw steak, holding the bone and gnawing down on the flesh. Picking some out his teeth and sucking his fingers clean.

Nora is baffled. All lust and the fact that she is married to the guy aside, it is some of the best performance art she has ever seen. Artistically, she is stunned at the fact that the toxic masculinity radiating off of him was not only being encouraged, but adored by the crowd. He has every single person in the building in the palm of his hand. Wiping his mouth with the back of his wrist, he crawls to the largest TV. Pushing the screen open, he plummets like Alice going down a rabbit hole. The crowd thunders. Nora is out of herself, brain alight. Amazed by his creativity and his ability to make at least 20,000 people feel every emotion he wanted them to, to have all of them at his whim. She is in awe, she knew he was a great performer and someone beloved, but she never knew he had this in him. That her Matty had this power at his disposal to use whenever, that he could switch that power on and off.

He, now out of character, steps to the group and wipes his face with a towel - out of the audience’s view. The sound of the sea of people cheering still consuming the building. She takes one look at him.

“I love you, Healy.” She mouths.

“Love you too, Downey.” He smirks as he gets pulled away to get dressed. All Nora can think is that no-one on the planet will ever come close to him for her, he’s it for her. Her mom always told her he was the one, but she didn’t actually think she’d be alive to see the day Matty fucking Healy was hopelessly in love with her. More than anything though, one thing was true. He was the best thing going for her in her life, and she would always be thankful to whatever angel sent him to her.

Thankful for her Matty. Her husband.

[theperrylleluniverse]

In the show, we mostly see Perry in “work” mode where he’s very focused and serious and his eyebrows are all scrunched up like this >:/ but in the little snippets we see of him before or after a case (or even in the few moments where his Serious Business demeanor cracks during the investigation) it’s so clear that he’s actually the biggest softie of the trio.

There’s nothing this man loves more than matchmaking his clients unless it’s reuniting/reconciling estranged family members haha. He just sees two young people who clearly are interested in each other and he’s like hehe I will solve your case AND your love life and then he does!

He’s always taking Della and Paul on fancy dinner dates! We see that he takes Della or Paul to basically any event he gets invited to (we see him take Della to the theater several times!). He visibly melts anytime he gets to dance with Della or when Paul does something particularly chivalrous.

I’m personally still gagged that in Weary Watchdog Della asks him for $25,000 (that’s like $250,000 in today money!) for vague mystery reasons and Perry just whips out his checkbook, says a devastatingly romantic line, and then gives it to her no questions asked. Even his face when he does it!! So soft and adoring! I’m insane about it. He loves a big romantic gesture!

In summary, Perry is secretly a big squishy Romantic and I’m obsessed. My head canon is that Paul and Della know this about him and recognize that Perry had Romanticized Internal Notions* about like gender roles in a relationship (even tho he’s literally in a queer poly relationship this silly man) so they conspire so that Paul regularly sweeps Perry off his feet with cute romantic gestures and then Della contrives situations in which Perry can sweep her off her feet with cute romantic gestures even though I think both Della and Paul are more pragmatic in general when it comes to love and romance.

For example, Della doesn’t especially care about getting flowers but she never objects to the insane bouquets that Perry gets sent to her on special occasions (and sometimes just because 🥺) and she makes a point to either display them on her desk or at her apartment so he can see how much she appreciated his gesture. On the flip side, Paul (and sometimes Della because she can’t resist the sweet soft face Perry makes) will bring Perry like a single rose or a couple of wildflowers he found while on a stakeout and Perry will be all embarrassed but secretly pleased and sometimes he’ll put the flower in his lapel or on his desk and just smile every time he looks at it and Della and Paul would buy him the moon if it meant he kept smiling like that 🥹🥹🥹

*I headcanon that Perry lost his parents when he was very young and was raised by his grandparents. Partly because of this and partly because of his personality plus the effects of growing up as a bisexual man in the early 1900s, I think Perry has very specific and deep seeded ideas about what a Family should look like and what a Romantic Relationship should look like and to him that’s very white picket fence, 2 kids, etc. and very focused on the external appearance of things. It’s such a deeply embedded idea for him that I don’t think he even consciously think of that as what he wants/strives for but it’s definitely something Paul and Della challenge him on and he has to work through.

[shallowseeker]

Dean + "Everything we've always wanted"

Hello, scripted All Along the Watchtower line:

Ah, yes. Everything Dean's we've always wanted. This comes shortly after meeting Max & Alicia Banes on 12x20, who also use "We" to cloak their individual wants and needs, like a shield. So what are the requirements for this everything-I've-always-wanted?

Mary (a flawed-but-Loving Parent-Hero; the symbolic road to accepting Our Imperfect Selves)

Cas ("Flawed Father Material" who is Brave, Dutiful, and Devoted; the One Who Carries Your Burden-Halved; the symbolic road to de-Romanticizing White Picket Fence & Apple Pie Life)

Sammy (the child who finally Grew into Leadership; circa season 12; The one who leads the American hunters against The British Men of Letters; the one who elevates the Family Legacy; the symbolic road to dealing with The Moral Gray of life)

///

We also get this aired line from 12x22:

DEAN: (dejectedly) Yeah. You know, it wasn't long ago, I thought we had it made. We saved the world. We got Cas back. We had Mom back. I mean, it wasn't perfect, but still, we had 'em.

It wasn't perfect. Like I was thinking in this season 8 post, this represents the acceptance of De-Romanticizing the Apple Pie Life.

[souled-out-2023]

General: passions

This is a little hard to describe and less specific to relationships. Whether you’re single, taken, going through a breakup: read, watch, write, make. Read that book you loved in kindergarten, fourth grade, eighth grade, senior year. Watch the movie from English class that made you look at life a little differently, or that Christmas flick from the 70s that you never knew you related to. Go back to the characters that inspired you, the figures you wanted to be like, in whom you saw pieces of yourself. Because I realized this: if you surround yourself with the things that inspire you, let you dream of other places and big plans, life will feel deeper and more beautiful. It won’t just be about a white picket fence, or about obligatory checks on the to-do list. It can be a lot more, and you can learn that life is only like a storybook if you make it that way, romanticize it, and let those big dreams live around you and through you.

I was a big reader and writer as a kid, but I've lost touch with that lately in the traffic of life and growing up. The other night, though, I remembered exactly why those things enthralled me so much. Oddly enough, I was watching an old movie that I had never paid a lot of mind to before. I just felt connected to the characters, engrossed by all the little messages between the frames. And I realized that I hadn't felt that wonder in a while, caught up by the stress of my relationship, intertwined with one of the busiest academic years of my life. It was good to feel that kind of inspiration, and to realize that it had been missing for too long.

Your "thing" doesn't have to be reading, writing, or the Waltons' The Homecoming: A Christmas Story movie. It can be anything: cooking, playing basketball, making bracelets, listening to music, woodworking, painting rocks. Absolutely anything that grounds you, adds dimension to the everyday. So the message: stay in touch with the things that make life feel deeper, more important.

A

[raw-goo]

Pinterest

I've been trying to writes a manifestation board on Pinterest. I'm starting to feel like I need something new, maybe I'm missing something. I've been going through my music, my comfort shows, I'm starting to wonder if singing songs that relate me to my past are holding me back.

I'm realizing there's nothing on my media radar I truly want to bring to fruition. Life keeps moving so I'm always outsourcing my misery to the shows I watch, the music I'm listening to, the things I write...

My heroes sing, "I'm not a Good Person" say things like, "I will be alone probably the rest of my life", and other things about how the world might just be inherently doomed. I've never been one for wishful thinking, or general getting off my ass but the more I delve deep into these feeling the more I learn about myself.

I listen to Midwest emo, and Folkpunk not because that's the goal, but that's where I'm from. I've been a homeless teen, I've cut myself and acted crazy in a police station because I needed to prove I was a danger to myself to get help. But really I want what everyone wants, someone funny to wake up to, someone who chose me.

Yes, I may have been tortured my whole life, I may have been abused by most people I've trusted, I may not believe in our government; But all I really want is the American dream. All I want is freedom, a white picket fence, a litter of kids, a mundane job. I'm sick of looking over my shoulder, begging for help, needing a vice. I just want to be normal.

We live in a world where feeling "at home" rarely means comfort, we search for people that remind of us that feeling but that puts the youth and the mentally ill people in a place that is not safe. We romanticize home and we end up walking on eggshells.

Home isn't even a place, not for me anyway. I've always been on the run from myself, I've always been on my own, never been safe anywhere. I've never trusted a roof over my head.

How can I manifest anything without knowing what it is I want in my life? Maybe the crow that brings me roadkill will bring me a sign tomorrow, unless he's sick of apples...

[tentacledtherapist]

Lisa,

Perhaps the 'your' goes unspoken? (I, too, am teasing you!)

The "Wild West" is such a bizarre concept, as someone deeply into history, the actual "Wild West" was such a short lived thing, but to be fair, still took up a decent chunk of our country's history (considering it is only about 250 years old so about 1/5 of the time spent as a legitimate country). I have (distant, estranged) family out in the South West, which to me is the only place the Wild West still sort of lives on. The Gold Rush itself is such a strange cultural clash in and of itself. Both eras really feel like a gross misrepresentation of what they were actually like, but also such a huge part of American Heritage. (You can blame old Westerns for that!) Having one of the little towns in the East is definitely weird, especially since its literally the New England Area. This place is a frigid wasteland, so seeing the cold sand and empty fake western town makes it feel REALLY haunted. On days where it functions normally it's still a fun little attraction (weirdly themed mini golf included) but if I could visit it when its closed, I would, just to explore it a little more in depth. (It doesn't help someone actually got shot for real there, but thats another story.)

I agree about your tastes, I enjoy things that delve into the human psyche, the human nature, especially darker aspects, but even more so the light within the darker aspects. One of my favorite things are the Ethical Vampire or the Ethical Werewolf conundrums. The idea that your darkness, a darkness normally hidden within humans, is forced to the forefront and in a nearly uncontrollable manner. And having someone love you regardless, these raw things that traditionally humans and society have told you are inherently evil and wrong or sick are, not necessarily okay, but are not unlovable. There is such a beauty in that. And even if it doesn't surround a love story, the individuals will to stay strong and protect their morals and their humanity...? Its beautiful.

I also love the Friendly Ghost dynamic as well, it pairs well with death and the maiden, but it has more to it to me than that. Its that continuation of love and caring after death. Where passing on was maybe wholly possible but the ghost's love of humanity keeps them around. Or even just a ghost, a powerless thing, desperately trying to help those who cannot be helped. The idea of a bystander who wants nothing more than to tell you it is okay but cannot speak a word? I love that.

- (Your) Creature

P.s.: I would bap you back but tumblr won't let me put an image in the ask :(

🐈‍⬛🐾🐾🐾

creech,

i can totally blame old westerns for the romanticization of that whole era. every other street or building in my town is named for some western movie star and there’s museums for them everywhere? it’s a little overwhelming if you’re not used to it. every older person in town sort of Worships these movie stars and the culture of ‘The Wild West.’ like,,, we live in suburbia. there is nothing wild here. your house has a white picket fence and you get freaked out at a Chicken. and all this is ignoring the whitewashing of ‘the wild west’ but that’s a whole different thing that i’m sure you’re aware of—

i like new england, though. maybe my perspective is skewed ‘cause i’ve only visited and never lived there long term, but i like the older styles of architecture that’s a lot of places, and i like the (relative) abundance of public transport? and i’m perpetually Warm so the concept of living somewhere cooler long term is appealing, i guess? the desert of the west coast and the humidity of the southeast are both Sweltering

anyway,

i think the little weird finds are always the most fun? even if they’re creepy in the off season. we have christmas and winter themed parks here and they’re really weird to see in 125 degree heat in the middle of summer too? though… i don’t know if anyone got shot at any of those places—

as for the ‘tropes’ you brought up:

yes yes yes yes yes!!!!

ethical darkness, ethical inhumanity, all of it is such a fantastic way to explore what really is humanity! it’s not exactly an example of the trope, but i read this book last year that was about cannibalism? which is a great start to this tangent— anyway, it was About Cannibalism, but really it was more about how connection to others is inherently going to cause damage to the other, but to go without connection will cause destruction of the self? humans can’t exist with others without rubbing up against each other in all the wrong ways at times, and so often we give up parts to fit with the people we want to keep with us? the connection sustains us and we take those parts of other people and use them to help us grow? if you’ve ever adopted some silly turn of phrase a friend says frequently, isn’t that just a form of consumption of them?

but, to deprive yourself of that connection because you don’t want to hurt anyone, because you can’t stand the darkness and the mistakes and the inevitable hurt that comes from being a human and taking parts of others, you just turn that urge inwards and end up cannibalizing yourself?

again, not exactly the perfect fit for that trope, but one i found fascinating and kept revisiting.

the book was called “bones and all” and i highly recommend it if you can stomach some really visceral descriptions of cannibalism and stuff. i think they made the book into a movie somewhat recently, but it has an actor i don’t really love in it so i haven’t seen it

- Your Lisa

[isaackoskov]

Name: Isaac Koskov

Age: 26

Staff at Haus

Sexuality: Pansexual/Demiromantic, versatile

Kinks: Hair pulling, licking, worship, waxplay

Turn-offs: Somnophilia, scat, infantilism, branding

Biography

Isaac's life should've been uninteresting and ordinary. Born into a white picket fence family of half Russian and half American heritage, his biggest issues growing up were sibling squabbles, and occasional teasing about his father's national background. But his peaceful world broke apart at 14 years old, when his parents decided to divorce. His family was no safehaven of love and security anymore.

Going through puberty and dealing with his parents' divorce, Isaac began to act out. He was growing into quite an attractive, but troublesome young man, or at least so did the girls around him think. With teenage hormones high, Isaac never had any trouble picking up girls, or the odd boy here and there when the opportunity called. Romanticism was not a concept he concerned himself with, as in his mind, it never truly worked out.

Going into college, the attention was getting to Isaac's head. He realised that now he was of age, he could use his good looks and body to gain monetary advantages and not have to work a traditional job while studying. He entered into "mutually beneficial" relationships, often with older men or women, and he quickly learned to shut off his true self and play the social games these relations required.

After graduating with a bachelor's degree, Isaac had grown tired of the secretive and manipulative nature of his business relationships. He knew he could keep up studying and go out and get a traditional job. But one day he heard one of his "friends" talk about a luxurious resort catering to men's every desire, with incredibly well paid staff perks. Isaac quickly knew that was a job for him. No inhibitions and secrets, just open desire and he knew he could perform. And the pay was better than anything he could get with a degree. So he set out to gain employment at this resort, excited to see what he could get out of it too.