#while you cope by trying to find your sense of self because you reject all of this

[ask-the-rag-dolly]

loser , baby

( don't tag as ship pls this is my brotp let me gush over platonic relationships )

[waffleweirdo]

Thinking about Nana in Overture again… the way we can see her deep caring for others and how it stems from her own loneliness. How she tries to cope with her own self hatred by finding self worth in helping others, and how she is completely overwhelmed by Junna showing her kindness.

Her looping is both an incredibly selfish thing, taking control over everyone’s lives and determining them herself. But it also stems from her own self hatred of being a stage girl. While she is drawn in by the Giraffe and does some not good stuff (it’s not okay to kill your friends Nana), the cycle that leads her deeper into despair is her attempt at trying to help others because she genuinely cares about them all.

It’s why ultimately she is still a stage girl despite her disdain for everything that defines them. Because even with that desire unattainable she never stops trying to achieve it. Which is, under the messed up system of the auditions, what warps her genuine care (and definitely some iffy stuff) into an overpowering downward spiral.

Even still, through all her (many) mistakes it is not a sin to climb the tower.

Revstar is well aware of its characters many flaws and never fails to force them to confront them and grow, but I think it’s worth noting the auditions pray on their vulnerabilities. I mean they are literally put into a situation where they are forced to cut each other down in order to be the only one left. Alone. Basically the exact antithesis of what Nana wants, and yet she is coerced into fighting in them.

It’s in that sense that revstar rejects the “I’ll become a sinner for you” narrative. Because stage girls are not sinners. To have pride, to act selfishly, and to want to compete are not sins. It is when they are turned into motivators to hurt each other from the auditions that they become a sin. The critique of the top star system and harmful theatre environments is really at the core of all of revstar’s themes.

It’s why Nana’s revues with Hikari and Karen are so important in snapping her out of it. Hikari shows her that there are ways for a stage girl to attain happiness, it doesn’t all need to be suffering. They can be reborn. While Karen shows her that it’s possible to defy the system of the auditions. That all this time, day after day, she has been moving towards a stronger version of herself, and that her determination and will as a stage girl is valuable.

It’s her revue with Junna that forces her to face her fears of the future and moving on, how her loss shows her just how brilliant a stage girl can truly be.

Nana’s growth follows her journey to learn how to accept herself as a stage girl, and how she can move forward as one instead of rejecting herself. It’s why her conclusion has her debating between technical work and acting. As she loves both she wants to truly find what makes her happy and pursue it. It’s why she attends RATA instead of auditioning for New National, because she is finding the courage to follow her own path.

This was basically just a gushing about Nana post huh. Well I really like the way her story ties in with the themes, but also I feel like I rag on her a lot (you shouldn’t try to kill your friends Nana), but while revstar is well aware of all the characters’ short comings I think it’s really meaningful that it is clear how the top star system is harming them because of that and not that these teenagers are malicious and evil. There’s so much to get into on revstar’s critique of the top star system and Takarazuka, but I’m not well researched enough… maybe another time

[elderwisp]

The Sims is love. List 5 facts about a favorite sim couple of yours, and why you love them so much. Then pass this on to 5 others, whose sim couple(s) you also love. 💘💕

HIHI thank u for this ask! AHHH this is such a difficult question because i’ll get in these sappy/supportive moods whenever i’m working on certain couple arcs! there are even some that are top secret that are truly some favorites GAHHH. this is how i feel like, genuinely:

i do feel like lately, i hyperfixate on atlas’s relationships. one reason is i’m like in the trenches writing-wise where i’m finalizing some things. then the other is it’s one of those interesting dynamics between either parties that feel complicated but also being able to dissect it and go wow, love is truly versatile! both feel valid in their own ways and were the thing that maybe atlas might’ve needed in the moment. i really don’t have a favorite between the two because they’re both so idk, fulfilling to me. i think it would be neat to go over the relationship between atlas/taryn and atlas/rowan ft a wip pic:

𓆩♡𓆪 Atlas met Rowan in a very transitional phase of his life. There was a lot of uncertainty surrounding Atlas's future and it was truly a time where being a pushover was not working in his favor nor authentic towards any of his needs. Rowan has a knack for identifying someone in pain and gravitates towards it. Where Dan believes Rowan tried to take advantage of Atlas's insecurities, Rowan more so wanted to bring out those deeply rooted thoughts to the surface because why hide who you are? There's power in pain.

𓆩♡𓆪 Part of why I believe Taryn and Atlas's relationship would not be viable as of right now is Atlas is still really picking up the pieces of his tumultuous relationship with Rowan. I feel like break ups can go through the similar motions of grief just on a different scale. There's a lot of bouncing back and forth between anger and sadness, so couple that with his coping method creates a lot of chaos. There's a deeply rooted sentiment in Atlas that there is no way in hell he deserves a relationship with Taryn.

𓆩♡𓆪 Rowan sees a lot of himself in Atlas. The both struggle to really connect with their parents and dislike the concept of control. A desire for independence. They're artists and have an appreciation in self-indulgence. However, there is one huge difference and that's confidence. Atlas is much more insecure than he let's on and that causes a huge rift between the two.

𓆩♡𓆪 The other part would be Taryn's current state. I will start off with Atlas has been a huge influence on not only setting boundaries with people but also encouraging her to share her work, growth doesn't come at an incline but almost a jagged, bumpy mountain. (💀) All that encouragement to be vulnerable (the book, trying to open up her heart to atlas, the mf kids at the library) to be met with constant rejection is pushing her back into this almost hardened demeanor. It takes a lot of courage to open up and unfortunately she's reached her limit to do so.

𓆩♡𓆪 Rowan has always known that commitment to one person can feel incredibly constricting for someone who, well, likes to indulge. So while he absolutely adores Atlas, there's some conflict that arises in the notion of an open relationship. Atlas really struggles to grasp that idea (well less of an idea and more of this is reality baybeee) and it triggers those deeply rooted feelings of inadequacy.

𓆩♡𓆪 I will say Atlas and Taryn do take the longest to get together but it is really one of those scenes that makes me emotional. Seeing how they progress until that moment feels like two terrified people finally finding some solid ground in a world that is always shifting. It feels like the one thing that finally makes sense and Taryn, my god, she can be quite the romantic with her words and gestures.

[unicornsaures]

talk. about whatever’s on your mind. aaaanything and everything just in case u needed an invitation to yap today 😻😻

taking this as a excuse to have a yap session about my nonhuman aus because there are SO. many things that are included for very specific reasons(mainly elf laurens cause its my main nonhuman au, but the divinity AU isnt exempt from secret meanings either >:3c) but i just never elaborate on any deeper meanings because technically theyre supposed to be up for interpretation but screw that things are included for very. very specific reasons

OKAY STARTING WITH ELF LAURENS !! Im starting off with his design itself because while its not necessarily a secret, his markings are extremely important to the story because obviously its a massive focus with the whole insecurity thing and attempting to scratch them off so!! In his early design it isnt included, but theres two things i added to either foreshadow things or that make more sense because certain things previously didnt have reasoning. For starters, his voice! I make it *very* clear that Laurens absolutely hates his voice - yknow, with that high pitched nonhuman growl? Theres a reason for that! In my AU, elves arent supposed to have markings on their throat; it fucks with their vocal chords. Yknow who does have a marking on their throat? Thats right, John does! So not only does he have 'two' voices, he also has a big reminder of that just straight in the middle of his throat - so rven if he didnt talk people would know why. Then theres the dots on his head. Thats foreshadowing. Cant tell you what its foreshadowing, but take that information how you will.

Also would like to elaborate on his relationship with Kinloch in the fic because no, Kinloch is not evil or bad or abusive. I try and make it clear that their relationship isnt necessarily healthy, but thats also not Kinloch's fault either way. Its Johns own inability to stabilize his emotions surrounding someone he cares about(ex. begging him to run away with him - when rejected, he runs away himself.) This is a massive mischaracterization of Laurens on my part but like I said in the fic itself, its just me projecting for 4k words. Oh, and he gets that scar on his lip when he's 20 in what i call a 'drinking accident.' Dont ask me to elaborate on that either, John is just a reckless drunk.

Obviously theres the whole art thing, but i think its pretty self explanatory on why hes drawing. I think i stated explicitly it was a coping device but if not i think thats obvious but i never elaborated on his medium of choice; graphite :3!! Its messy. Thats it. He uses the powdered graphite, which i think he would find it was a representation of process rather than product. The point of using graphite is the limited choice of color that only leaves an artist with shades. It also just goes with the theme of his art because idk, hes out here drawing the idea and/or image of death itself in a way its gorey but also gorgeous, so take that as you will.

Also I have had many yap sessions on why exactly John draws the gorey and grotesque but ill save you on insane details and simplify it down to; after his mothers death, he was naturally drawn to the beauty found within something so vile and horrifying.

Okay ive talked all too long aboute the elf laurens thing, so now the divinity AU! There isnt much meaning inside of this other than the very very clear toxic relationship between Alex and John; but its toxic for a reason. As dysfunctional as they may be, they are better of together than apart. Like mentioned in the fic itself, Alex was cruel to his devotees and followers before John came along. I wont go into specifics or anything, he was just cruel. John, on the other hand, was also cruel. Thats why hes a fallen angel, obviously. He fell due to others actions but the reason he followed this other person in the first place is because they were holding something he did over his head, threatening to tell higher deity's and whatnot. But instead, John is a fucking idiot and ended up doing what this person wanted which ultimately ended up in him falling and losing everything. Obviously, this leaves someone scarred because ill just say it, in this AU at least, falling from wherever they may be is not a painless experience.

In turn, he hasn't physically fallen anywhere, but there are physical signs and overall, you can tell by how they act. So, upon finding Alexander - a god, basically - the only other purpose he has in life is to peldge devotion to someone. Hes basically shunned from other angels, and so finding a deity to pledge devotion to is the only thing he can do. Their relationship is not at all healthy. Ive described it as a worshiped/worshiper dynamic because thats what it is. No matter if Alex views John as an equal, Laurens will always view alex as a higher being than he is and in short its a massive power imbalance with how willing John is to bend over backwards for him(ex. ripping off his wings ! Never happens, alex wont physically let him, but like i said, John is willing.) The only reason I say that they should stay together is that other deity's wouldnt stop him from doing this kind of thing. 'Offering your wings to prove your devotion? Yeah, hand em over.' is basically what would happen and it would be 10x more of a corrupted relationship than john and alex have. Alex keeps him in line basically, and John worships him like..well, like the god he is i guess.

Again, this AU is me majorly projecting so take it as you will. But Alex is also completely unaware to why John is a fallen angel anyway. Even being a god, he cant just see peoples sins. He only knows when someone has sinned.

"A shame Alexander may not know his transgressions, he’s sure he couldn't have done much wrong with how much of a pleasure he’s been."

Pulling out the quotes for this story because i personally think its just easier to explain things if its been read.

AND THE BIGGEST THING!!

John nods absentmindedly, leaning into the heat of his palms that make his face contort in a painful type of love.

Its mentioned a few times, but being touched by Alex at all brings physical pain. Mostly because he's not supposed to be touched by a higher being while being a fallen angel, but it also has something to do with the fact he 'swore on his ability to love to prove his devotion.' In short, John didnt think he had the ability to love, much less deserve it. So, being touched by one he fell for brings him physical pain because he shouldnt be supposed to! The love he spoke of when he exempted Alex from this was love a devotee has for their god, not love like as romantic love. Obviously, in a way, he broke his own promise. This is also why the pain goes away after alexander admits he loves him because at that point, 'his god' basically just excused the fact he broke his pledge by announcing any feelings he may have are returned. So yeah! Thats fun.

Anyway, that was my yap session. I talked for way too long uhm..oops! Im not normal about nonhumans :(

[fabuloustrash05]

hold on I just remembered that I sent you, like, an essay on Karai Being Cool Actually I'm So Smart And Impartial while I was recovering from dentist anesthesia the other night. but I don't know what was actually in it. like my memory's garbage even when I'm not high. so like,, what did I say????? was it coherent or did I just kinda cry about her in your inbox lmao

Imma just copy and paste it all for you:

tbh I like how stubborn Karai is; in my mind, it's a core character trait, right up with Raph's anger issues (emotional disregulation and lack of healthy coping skills), Don's... creepiness (communication problems, fear of rejection, and lack of role models to teach him how healthy relationships work), Leo's reckless self-sacrificial streak (BIG time parentification and self-esteem reliant on perceived worth to others), and the messy, conflicted emotional rollercoaster that is April's life (idc what the writers were trying to do, she is SO accurate to how it feels growing up autistic as a girl shouldered with unreasonable expectations). Sometimes the most interesting thing about a character is what's "wrong" with them, and... Personally, I have kind of a nihilistic view on people, so that's what I tend to focus on, as the starting point from which they can grow as individuals and learn to deal with their issues. To me, Karai's stubbornness and repeated "obvious" mistakes read as her desperately trying to maintain control and comfort in an unfamiliar situation that isn't getting better and will never be what she used to know and has adapted to survive in. It will get better eventually, sure, but she doesn't know that. To make matters worse, after everything that happened with her adoptive father, her ability to trust her elders who could warn her of what's ahead has been compromised, whether she acknowledges it or not; essentially, this means she has to find out everything the hard way before it sticks, and even then, it might just be a fluke, so she still might not get it the first few times. Soon, it becomes a pattern. There is a certain level of comfort in knowing you are wrong and will be hurt for it, if that's what you think you deserve. It's... Familiar, I guess? It feels very real, when you've been through a similar process of fighting your own growth and healing, especially at that age. So personally, although it is frustrating, I think it makes sense this way because that feeling of frustration is the point, y'know? It's ugly, it's uncomfortable, and it is so earnestly human.

[ilikelookingatthings]

Thoughts on Miraculous Ladybug : A Comment from YouTube I'm proud of about themes and Chloe

The thing that confuses me is theme wise Akumas are people who are hurt/have been wronged. who feel alone or like that hurt isn't being seen, who then lash out to try to make that hurt seen or help themselves...often in ways that don't make sense logically to us but makes sense to them in the heat of the negative emotions. but the point is these 'villains' are in fact victims. they are people who are hurting and who need help and when you find the core of their problem (represented by an item that often is connected to their problem) and acknowledge it/break it open. then your able to have a chance to actually talk to them/calm them down and give them the help they need.

the show has been pointing to the fact that the 'villains' are victims where in these cases we blame the ones who act like they understand or are there for the victims and who encourage them down bad paths(in this case hawkmoth).

but the show has used Chloe in particular to both have Marinette stand up to someone bad and not let them get away with stuff and shows if your firm about it they aren't unbeatable or that strong. and the show has used Chloe in particular to show as well that people are complex. that even if Mari personally doesn't like someone it doesn't mean they don't have problems and that they might need help seeing how to be better. Marinette went from seeing Chloe as simply evil to seeing how complex Chloe was (and honestly kind of pitiful).

so what I don't understand is if they make chloe completely unredeemable..... If we are supposed to take that at face value...why the HELL should I believe Mari would give Gabriel /hawkmoth a chance or any understanding when Gabe has been terrible all season and been terrible as hawkmoth?

if they invalidate the arc of Chloe which they had been using to teach Mari to reach out to the bad guy because they might be hurting and need help like the victims...why would I believe Mari would reach out to hawkmoth?

even more when WE the audience know that Chloe's downward spiral was a direct plan by Gabriel. hawkmoth isolated Chloe on a rooftop, cut of her line to signal to ladybug literally by cutting the wire to the signal, told her that her parents were targeted because of her, implying that he might keep doing so when she had no way to protect herself since she had understood ladybug saying she couldn't be a hero anymore for her and pollen's safety...just for Chloe to be targeted anyway and for pollen and the other Kwami being stolen and not been properly protected.

like I get why Mari and others think Chloe was just being her entitled self, upset about not being the bee....but WE the audience knows that Chloe only agreed to side with hawkmoth to free her parents who were hostages and because if she didn't he would have kept pollen and the rest...and she had no idea how he'd react if she rejected his offer when she literally couldn't protect herself AND the literally master at manipulating emotions dug directly into her insecurities that he set up with this scenario.

So while I get Mari misunderstanding Chloe at irredeemable.....WE the audience knows better and more about the situation.

it feels even weirder because Chloe's spiraling had a direct parallel to both Adrien and Marinette who relied on old behaviors to cope and distract from their real issues and semi pushed people away to not face those issues. Chloe being worse could work as relying on being mean to cope because THAT is what she knows and is good at. its familiar and she thinks (the literal biggest fan of ladybug) that she probably does feel guilty for what she did...but she can't take it back and burnt that bridge...so Chloe relying on being mean to try to feel a sense of control.

Pretending like she chose to be mean again on her own makes sense.

even more as a contrasting cry for help because Mari had others who would try to reach out to her where we got to see she was covering up her really issues and stress of her guilt of the loss of master fu. while Chloe was able to push everyone away and no one realized Chloe's actions were a cry for help.....

like, on one hand people have to face consequences for their choices...but on the other the show has spent the whole time reminding us that the people acting out are victims and the true villains are the ones who take advantage of their hurt to lead them into further bad actions...which could lead to people not seeing they need help.

why the hell is the show expecting me to hate Chloe and see her as irredeemable when her downfall was a direct plan by Gabriel/hawkmoth and Lila?! like I can understand believing she should know better but she KNOWS no one likes her which means she is vulnerable to emotional manipulation! and she was cornered into that big downfall she thinks she can't come back from since she failed the one person who had given her a chance.

she literally got replaced by her sister Zoey who everyone liked better and who found being nice easy to understand compared to Chloe who struggled and who's best progress came from trying to not disappointed Adrien and her teddy bear!

even more her father was the worst! he's racist, spoils Chloe but never gives her real attention/guidance and her mother literally hates her, thinks she's useless, forgets her name and bad talks her all the time and they going to stick Chloe with her mom who was the literally worst?

what's even more frustrating is while I could understand it being a 'this is what happens if you don't take the chances to change since it's not other people's jobs to fix you' it undercuts alot of lessons in previous episodes if Chloe is completely unredeemable!

[kimium]

kimium you do not know me but I read almost all your Hitman Reborn fics because even after 10+ years this hellhole series won't let me go, and each one of your 10051 fics are like an oasis stumbled upon after days meandering in a dusty barren landscape. also your writing is just plain good.

The way I remember it that Hanahaki Disease wasn't really a trope until after the manga curled up to die with the bulk of the Fandom, but it SHAKES me that I cannot locate any Byakuran hanahaki fic. It's just unnatural feeling. Like Graham crackers and chocolate without Marshmallows. An ominous void in nature where there shouldn't be one. Light without shadows.

Please share your thoughts about 100 hanahaki to satiate this thirst of mine. Only if you want too though of course! Thank you for listening!!!

Hello Anon!

Thank you so much for this ask! You are so sweet to describe my 10051 fics as an oasis in a barren, dusty landscape. That's such a fun comparison and makes my heart warm to have such high praise.

While I also cannot exactly pinpoint when I kept seeing "Hanahaki" as a trope in fics, you are correct that it was long after the bulk of KHR was an active fandom. It certainly feels like a trope that fits Byakuran well and your analogy to a s'more without chocolate is also a very fun image. Love it.

Now, as for my thoughts on Hanahaki, let's break it down.

In general, I do not like the "traditional" hanahaki trope. However, I understand why it's popular. In fact, I wrote more "traditional" hanahaki trope fics once upon a time, so I used to like the more "traditional" trope. Unrequited love is a topic that can be cathartic for the writer and readers to explore in fiction. We've all experienced rejection (romantic, platonic/friendship, professional, etc.) and the heartbreak we feel truly feels like we are going to die. Also, flower symbolism is always Top Tier and my favourite kind of symbolism.

The main reason why I dislike the "traditional" hanahaki trope is because to me it feels very self-entitled. "You didn't return my love and thus I will die!" I cannot help but make the comparison to people who try to guilt trip someone for breaking up or not dating them.

Also, the idea of "I have to completely forget about this person" cuts off so much emotional growth and development. Yes, I know "falling out of love" is an option, but I rarely saw "traditional" hanahaki fics go that route. Makes sense though: magical amnesia is such a juicy trope (and also one of my favourites). Of course, I do not mean the traditional trope advocates it, but I cannot shake this thought out of my brain.

What I enjoy more is "seasonal hanahaki" where the symptoms are less severe and more akin to a seasonal cold/fever/mild allergies. Nothing to dismiss but also the person will recover from it with time. How the writer can set this up has a lot of flexibility which I enjoy. I've seen writers write is as literally seasonal where people who experience "seasonal hanahaki" do so in spring and fall time (where traditional cold/fever/mild allergies kick up). I've also seen people write it where the person "catches" their "seasonal hanahaki" when they first realized their feelings aren't requited.

Regardless, because this isn't deadly could you imagine the world building? The Drama! The work place or friend gossip??? This opens so many more avenues than "pity" which I find most traditional hanahaki goes towards because someone is dying.

So, where does this place Byakuran in my mind? While I am not a big fan of "traditional hanahaki fics" I think the trope suits him. Even seasonal hanahaki opens up so many avenues to explore! Could you imagine the denial he'd soak himself in?? Shouichi -obviously- loves him! They're destined to be together! The list goes on. This could lead to all sorts of irrational decisions/ways of coping for Byakuran.

Again, thank you for sending me this ask! I love taking about KHR and I'm so happy for all your support. Feel free to pop on by in my inbox again or if you're not too shy, in messages!

[dollmother]

5/15

there are certain things i fear gravely like the rejection of love. something she does to push my hand away each time i try to reach her heart. to touch her fleeing soul. i think sometimes i could hold her back ..oh please stop running so i can embrace your cold skin.

i think about my dysphoria, love and how they are the same. obsessive like an impulse. they say when you mix those together, they’re called compulsions. how helpless i feel to be tossed around by the waves of banal instincts. currents of hatred, anger, joy, lust in the same ocean of love overwhelms me until my senses become overloaded —shut down and become numb. sometimes the holes on my forearm throb and tinge. a sensation, an invasion to the once serene peace of emptiness. something to remind me to not be tangled up in numbness. wound in a web of unconsciousness

all my worst woes have all been self inflicted. my very own thoughts are complex methods of emotional self flagellation. the marks they leave on my skin are real, unlike the knotted ropes tucked in my brain. these wires are stuck together. they only separate properly when i pull it out to hurt myself again and again. how else would i cope with what i have to live with? everything becomes so clear to me whenever there is pain involved. it’s intoxicating.

i could not stop at one. i wanted to understand what it really felt like again, then again. each time the feeling became more euphoric. because each instant my nerves were destroyed and i became more numb. i realize i’ll never achieve the same agony as the first self flagellated burn wound.

i’m scavenging for bits to mend, but that’s too difficult to piece together. it’s so much easier to find another whole. someone not so fragmented like me. someone with all my light and none of the darkness. that’s always the first thing you see, but it always disappoints in the end.

every step i place into the muddy soil, every second i spend eyes fixated on the movement of my boot. each moment i avert them and miss beauty surrounding my skin. every glimpse of new light passes me by. then, i remember everyone who could see that light and how i shoved them into the corners of my mind. i believe i am undeserving of that type of love, the genuine kind. i have you (myself) so maybe i won’t need to speak anymore to anyone. i should just shut up.

we stay in another girl’s room. her scent smells just like yours and each breath clutches my chest tightly. your smell is the thorns in my lungs desperately suffocating to beat.

i think now it’s time to let it go. after watching that footage it’s what i must do. or else the thought would consume my being until i forget who i was again.

god forbid a girl has prying eyes i said. to the girl who’s gaze was glued onto my skin.

i loved all i could, and she was taken from me in a moment. is this the gratitude i get for trying to look out for her? i feel as if i lost everything good going in my life in just a day. i feel lost yet i am still myself in the end. i took her away from myself in that blind lapse of rage. sometimes i never realize what i’ve done until it’s much too late.

all i would have is myself and no one else. she doesn’t understand me at all, the golden boy. she does not listen for my words, does not watch for the slight change in my gait … i feel almost a regret for loving the wrong one, then guilt for having caused this unbearable mess.

she only wants me when she cannot stand to endure the pangs of loneliness. while she has anyone else, i am but discarded plastic forgotten in another dusty corner.

[deadlysilencebeach]

Some words on Cyberpunk 2077 and existing

“You get to a certain age, you drop all your illusions. Life just gets easier from there.” ♫

I’ve said it enough times in my life, but existing is exhausting. To be perceived by the world in any form is among some of the most harrowing shit in life. I have enough trouble trying to cope with existing in my own terms, but to exist in yours, too? It’s a perpetual headache - one that I can’t seem to shake or make sense of this far into my life.

In spite of that, I find comfort in the fact that life goes on at a merciless, never ending pace. Nothing ever stops, no matter what I do or where I am. There is no scale at which my potential fuck-up will cause our planet to screech to a sudden halt. Even like, if I were to die at this very second, it wouldn’t do a thing to you from where you’re going. I always have trouble putting a feeling like that into words, but it’s like... I don’t know, liberating? It makes me feel like I’ve wriggled out of a tangle of chains that would’ve kept me from being who I am. I can choose to live however I want to.

It’s funny - the worry that anxiety will continuously force into your brain, is that everything revolves around your failure. It almost sounds self-centered as shit, if it weren’t for the fact that it forces you to carry an insurmountable burden that doesn’t even fucking exist. Besides, it’s not like I don’t deal with that burden every other waking moment of my life. There’s a very delicate balance between finding liberation and existential dread in the passage of time. That is something that I’m still working on. Shit’s tough, man.

Anyway, the point I wanted to make is that the struggle to come to terms with my existence is part of why I like big cities so much. The bright lights, loud streets, bustling lives - it’s a proverbial beating heart that draws in me and cradles me with a big blanket. It’s a double-sided blanket, too. A double-sided blanket with one side that allows me to show off to the world, while the other lets me blend in and disappear into the crowd for a little bit. Both sides provide me with their own kinds of comfort depending on what I need.

There are times where I need to be a part of a space in order to feel valid. This is especially true for being a trans gal, because the little things like passing and pronouns and all that stuff, are little boosts I need to feel like I am who I think I am. Sometimes, I need my body, and my voice, and my clothes and my hair to be perceived (no matter how) to feel attractive - to feel like I am allowed to exist, y’know? Other times, it is the gentle glow of the night time sky that I find appealing. To disappear, and observe the world as if I was never there, is... well, there’s a beauty in the particular sense of loneliness that it makes you feel. Life goes on.

“We’ve got a city to burn.” ♫

I had a lot of time to think about these feelings while thoroughly playing the shit out of Cyberpunk 2077. It was one of those “right time, right place” sorta things that feel prophetic as hell, like the world knew this was something I needed. Don’t be fooled, though - there’s a ton of commentary on trans-humanism, souls, corporations (of which the irony is staggering at times) but none of that stuff was the real takeaway for me and Cyberpunk, at least in this context. That stuff was cool and all, but the part of Cyberpunk that truly struck a chord with me was the big, bright hellhole of a city it puts together.

My time with Cyberpunk is done for now, but I cannot seem to get Night City out of my fucking head. I cannot stop thinking about its claustrophobic, overcrowded markets and cramped megabuildings brimming with rejects and wannabes from the city’s underworld. Pipes, exposed wiring, dirty street corners and tiny nooks at every turn - it’s like everywhere you look could be someone’s favorite place, or the best noodles in town, or a creepy little shop where a weirdo is selling discount body modifications. The mechanical immersion doesn’t go as deep as allowing you to sit at a food stall and eat, but that kinda doesn’t matter to me because the entire thing sparks my imagination in a way I’ve rarely felt.

I get lost in Night City, but not in the weird video game-y that nerds talk about when they like a mountain in Skyrim or think the grass in Horizon is pretty. I genuinely find myself mesmerized by the soundscape of beeping cars, indistinct chatter, coughing, arguing, even down to the little details of miscellaneous future beeps and boops. It is comprised entirely of its influences - forming a whole from the steamy streets of Blade Runner, the hyperbolic 80s fashion sense of Akira and the part of Ghost in the Shell where massive, sanitized corporate towers linger as predators over a sea of lights. Though, my personal experience got a bit more Serial Experiments Lain out of everything. Whenever there wasn’t pounding trance music in dark clubs or desperate husks of chrome and flesh roaming the streets, there were low hums of hard drives buzzing and electronic fans cooling off heat in dark rooms dimly lit by a single computer screen. There will always be noise.

“Don’t want people gettin’ stuck in a rut, stuck in the past. Want them to change. Them and the world.” ♫

I consistently find myself describing periods of my life as “weird.” It’s always something like “things have been weird lately,” or “I’m going through a weird patch right now.” Day after day. It has gone on for so long, the thing I call “weird lately” has now gone on for most of my life. Thinking about it, I tend to say this more often in stretches that feel transitional. The bit of time between college and university? Weird as shit. In fact, the entirety of my time at university felt transitional - as if I had spend the entire time trying to settle and find my place when I never did. I don’t remember much from those years, because it felt like I was going to eventually land on my feet and I would finally make sense of the world, of my life. I never did.

Currently, I would describe this period of my life as “weird.” Somewhere between finding the most incredible person I’ve ever met (hi, Jace) and figuring out what I can do with that to make a life that matters to me. Because for most of my life, there was nothing to live for. Each and every thing I did were varying means to making sense of why I am in this world. Will I be inspired at school to make good academic decisions? Will university spark me to find a real-world profession and be a part of everyday society?  Fuck no. Not a single time. All I ever wanted to do was push myself further, and further away, especially if it meant it would kill me.

The allure of the city makes me forget all about that, because for once, my existence is unconditional. I don’t exist for you, or for money, or for profit - for anything other than to exist in my own terms. To be in a crowd that crosses the street is blending into the world, homogenizing myself for just a little bit. To order a coffee and sit in the comfort of my own company, so I can lose myself in lives gone by. To dance in a crowd, or commute in a lively train, or even just... lay there and take it all in. Night City reminded me of all of it.

There’s probably something profound I could say about how capitalism, and social pressure and the structure of the world forces my hand to find a purpose that provides value to the world, but I am not looking for it here. Someone I love deeply once taught me that there are things in life that do not make sense, because they just are. Life has no grasp of meaning, or rules, or time, or purpose, it merely exists how it must, on its own terms.

I don’t want to make sense. When I get lost in like I did in Night City, I lose the concept of sense. Instead, I inhibit this desire to just be. To listen, to observe, to look cute, to indulge, to consume, to be as passive or hands-on and I want or need to be. It is such a distinctly human feeling to free myself from unwanted perception and exist as I want. If you see me, it is because I want you to see me. If I disappear, it is because I want to disappear. There is little more that allows me to feel a sense of agency over myself.

And... I don’t know, there’s something empowering about knowing that I don’t have to be anything that I don’t want to be. Until recently, I had the impression that in order to have a fulfilling life, I would have to be something or someone big. I would have to make a lot of money, or be seen by a lot of people and those are the validations that really mattered in life. That it didn’t matter what I really wanted, just that I had to mean something to the world in order to be a real person.

V, the playable character in Cyberpunk 2077, has her own reasons for wanting to be a legend in Night City. Her goal is to be remembered by everyone. Seeing what V wanted made me realize that wanting to be known is no longer something I desire. I wonder if it is something I ever truly desired at all. I do not want to be useful to you. I do not want to be talked about by you. I want to be.

I still have a lot of growing up to do, don’t I?

Ajay

01/08/23 @ 00h48

“The world’s gonna hear about you.”

[pekuliar]

HC for Reigen, his sibling, and his childhood

Reigen having a sibling is a pretty common HC!! Most headcanons with Reigen’s older sister/Reigen having a sibling portray the sibling as the “good kid”/“golden child” compared to his loser ass, but mostly based on…….projection from my own childhood……. I’d like to think it’s the opposite. IMO, Reigen was the “good kid” while his sibling was the one who Reigen’s parents probably worried about more

I think it’s quite a common hc too that Reigen’s parents were strict/emotionally neglectful/had unrealistic expectations of their kids, which I totally agree with. Now, here’s some projection and traumadumping to illustrate how children with these parents might grow —

There are a couple ways children survive living with overbearing/strict parents — by running themselves ragged trying to please them, or by accepting the frequent arguments/groundings/bans as part of life. I think Reigen (as I did) chose the former, and his sibling (as my sibling did) chose the latter.

My childhood went something like this: I was seen as the “unproblematic child” with a tendency to be a fast learner wherever it counted. I thrived off being good at things, and being told I was good at things. Classic “you can do anything you set your mind to” child. I wasn’t perfect by far; I just developed a sixth sense for getting away with things — lying, “reading” my parents, finding loopholes, scheduling “coincidences”, and a healthy amount of crying to guilt-trip my teachers.

My sibling, on the other hand, was the opposite — they skipped school, never cared to find any extracurricular clubs, and were always at odds with my parents. They made friends quick though; where I tended to only befriend people I was in the same class/club with, my sibling somehow always had a web of friends spanning multiple schools. Crucially, despite how often they fought with my parents, my sibling almost never lied, instead choosing to go “Yeah, I did that. So what?”, accepting the ensuing arguments.

Because of that, we grew very differently. My sibling is so much more open and sociable, hating environments where he’s made to act more “formal”/“professional”, figuring out early on that you don’t actually need to continually convince people that you matter. On the other hand, I think I’ve habitually covered up any single iota of genuineness inside me. I’m great at making first impressions but bad at actually connecting; I can’t cope with not being busy 100% of the time; I keep obsessively finding new skills to pick up because idk what else I can do. I also don’t have any good coping mechanisms for failure and rejection because, well, why would a “gifted kid” need to learn how to deal with being bad at things?* [*: sarcasm]

Does all this sound familiar?

So yes anyway. I think Reigen is Reigen because he was always good at pleasing his parents/teachers using a combination of deception/manipulation and actually being good at things, and was unable to accept failure/rejection because he’d always found a way to avoid it. And as a result of being unable to accept any outcome below the ideal, he would’ve gotten less and less honest about his own genuine emotions, eventually becoming great at presenting an “impressive” front but terrible at actually genuinely connecting with people.

And so in conclusion — LET CHILDREN BE SHIT AT THINGS. LET CHILDREN SUCK AT SCHOOLWORK/SPORTS/ETC. Literally no one was created to be perfect at everything. Allowing children to fail in a supportive environment doesn’t encourage them to “”underperform””; it makes them so much better at accepting failure and moving forward from it in a safe and non-self-destructive way. Also, forcing kids to be perfect doesn’t make them perfect — it just makes them damn good liars. Idk why this is becoming a parenting PSA from me, a single 24-year-old, but please just. Let children be shit.

[pbscore]

Your nostalgia is not more important than actual human lives. In fact, your nostalgia is probably lying to you in ways that continuously reinforce this false sense of security in your mind that does not allow you to engage with reality in a meaningful way, completely outside of your own interests.

This isn’t about trauma or neurodivergency or ‘special interests’, anymore. This is about real shit that’s happening to real people, including people you may really care about or support. This is about how your lack of conviction to do the right thing will inevitably end up hurting people who are already struggling, as well as yourself once the oppressive forces are done smiting their primary targets.

Harry Potter will never be more important than the lives of trans people, people of color, Jewish people, or disabled/neurodivergent people. And no amount of excusing your personal enjoyment of it will make those of us who are past this idolization of our nostalgic media interests take your ‘activism’ or ‘support’ of these groups seriously.

And that’s completely on you and your refusal to do what is actually right over what you ‘feel’ is right.

Your nostalgia lies in ways that will keep you from pushing the boundaries of critical thinking and to constantly use your neurodivergency as a reason is not only reinforcing the idea that people like us can’t think for ourselves, it keeps us from exploring new and important ideas outside of our personal interests that affect other people.

It keeps us from building real, tangible social bonds with other people. It keeps us relegated to an ‘inner world’ that, while ‘safe’ to us, can keep us from using our compassion and sense of justice in an effective way to help support those who are clearly in need of it.

And I get it. I was a part of the early tumblr fandom phase that celebrated introvertedness and talked about being ‘different’ from the norm. I was intensely into Marvel and kpop, always trying to find myself in those pieces of media. I wanted to be a part of communities that wouldn’t reject me for my awkwardness as a neurodivergent person.

But then, I realized just how deeply that way of thinking made me internalize so many unhealthy ideas about socializing with others. It built a false sense of ‘superiority’ over others just because I was ‘nerdy’ and didn’t act like ‘other’ people. Eventually, I ended up alone in those thoughts and had to come to terms with the fact that as much as I may have known about Marvel, it didn’t matter if I couldn’t even see the worth in my own family members or friends who were struggling with real world issues to support me, while I could be off in my little fantasy worlds, ‘safe’ from reality.

My nostalgia kept me from pushing through my own negative self-image and maladaptive coping tendencies. It took until now, at 25, for me to ‘catch up’ with myself, handle whatever trauma and other personal issues I had, and learn about people without making it about myself and my own interests. I learned how to set boundaries while also respecting other people’s. I made it a point to start being the friend/family member that showed up to support the people I care about in their endeavors. I found new things to get interested in. I met new people. I started new hobbies to occupy my time instead of being online all day.

Had I kept giving into my nostalgia, constantly making excuses as to why I needed to keep folding things from my childhood around me in order to just exist, I would not have done the work (and yes, it is hard work but it’s worth it) to face my own fears, explore who I really was outside of just my interests, and reach my hand out to make community bonds with other people looking for genuine, positive connections, free of drama and senseless ‘discourse’ that only exists in an online sphere.

Nostalgia can feel good because it reminds you of those moments in your life when you did feel the safest and didn’t have to put in the effort to be ‘accepted’. I understand that and it’s a big reason why I’m invested in making children’s media: because I want to share those moments with all children and give them a sense of safety and community.

However, allowing that nostalgia to completely rule my life and every aspect of my being to the point where valid criticism of something I once loved makes me too defensive to recognize that other people are being negatively impacted by it will inevitably put me at odds with my own morals and pursuit of justice for those who are suffering.

Now, if something is revealed to be made by someone who supports genuine bigotry, I drop it and move on. Of course it can be difficult depending on how invested I was or how impactful that piece of media was to me. However, in the end, I know for a fact that there will always be millions of other human beings creating things free of those bigoted ideas and those are the folks I’m willing to put all of my support behind, especially when it comes to minorities who rarely get to share their own stories.

Stop letting your nostalgia keep you from growing and thinking outside of yourself. Stop letting it lead you on a leash and determine your activism and morals. Doing what needs to be done in order to keep marginalized people safe is going to require some sort of sacrifice and if all that’s being sacrificed is dedication to some book or tv show or comic or movie… then you need to realize that it’s a far smaller sacrifice than the sacrifices that marginalized people have to make regarding their safety, everyday, just to live.

EDIT: yes, this can be reblogged.

[rayofsunas]

s/o who dies.

A/n: listennnn, I wasn't going to write something dark, but then I unregretfully decided to listen to edgy/dark audios and I was suddenly in the mood to write this so yeah lmao. also, guess what? I'm planning on making a discord server right after posting this! so, be on the lookout for that when I get it all sorted out. also, note for Scaramouche's that the reader inserts tend to lean more femininely versed (I hope that's okay), the only reasons why I do that is because one I simp and I'm female AND two since I am doing a mini-series for Scara, I've kind of based his imagines/fics around that universe (baby daddy universe). I haven't started his yet, but consider these part of that series' universe. anyways as always thank you for requesting anon and enjoy! <333

Summary: you die + how the boys cope afterward.

Parings: Albedo/Gn! Reader, Xiao/Gn! Reader, Scaramouche/Fem! Reader

Warnings: swearing, angst, death, poison, illness/cancer, murder, arson, obsessive behavior

Word count: 2.1k

Albedo

"You need to keep this on your head." Your lover said for the one-hundredth time, placing the cold cloth on your forehead once again after taking it off only seconds earlier.

"This is pointless," You said, no longer wanting to ignore nor hide behind the invisible thick curtains of the obvious death sentence approaching. "My body rejected the medicine the first twice doses, what's a third time going to do?" You asked, knowing Albedo wouldn't answer; your hope was to knock some sense into his thick skull. but he was too worried trying to ignore the obvious as you had previously been doing, not anymore though.

This was saddening to watch, both Albedo's unfolding and the girl who accidentally poisoned you, whimpering into Sucrose's shoulder. She was only a young girl, barely seventeen when she was chosen to work under Sucrose and your boyfriend. She was very good at Alchemy and luckily had a desire to practice the craft. But unfortunately, she hadn't paid much attention when it came to Surcrose's educational poison lesson and had unknowingly mixed up poisonous liquids and materials.

After tipping over some clutter in Albedo's office and knocking over a test tube laying unsealed on the counter, you had realized the contents spilled on your skin, bleaching into your pores. You had been tasked with bringing the famed alchemist and his assistant some vials and materials for the collection of a rare butterfly they had found. It was both telling and obvious that something was wrong when you never showed up with the required materials requested and it was already too late hours later when the chief Alchemist, his assistant, and Alchemist in training came bounding down the stairs of Albedo's home laboratory.

It didn't take long for the trio to realize something was wrong. Sucrose had found the vile on the floor, most of its contents spilled and in a little puddle, plus your state on a nearby lounge chair was obvious; slumped awkwardly, forehead visibly sweating, eyes closed, breathing raspily.

You accepted the first doses of the supposed nullifying medicine without hesitation, just wanting the numbing feeling to go away. But when it never kicked in you decided it would be best to save the medicine, because it wasn't working. Your time was coming.

"Since the medicine is taking immediate effect, you should try to get the contents out of your system," He said, reaching out for you. Badly you wanted to argue that the medicine wasn't working at all, but he wasn't listening and already has his lean arms wrapped around your middle, helping gently lift and guide you over to the sink.

You hear materials being shoved to the side and soon enough you had your head dangling over the sink, shaking hands gripping the metalled edge tightly. Soon enough, Albedo's hand was on your back rubbing up and down, hoping to comfort you, it wasn't working though. You could only think about your death, what the other side would look like. Could there even be heaven or hell, maybe a place in between, maybe nowhere...?

As soon as you felt the urge to vomit, you did, and despite it being utterly disgusting Albedo seemed to welcome it happily. He took this as something good, but it only worried you when you saw the reddish hues in the bile.

"I think they should leave." You muttered acknowledging Sucrose and Elizabeth, the taste of gooey, metal only becoming more apparent. The blonde agreed, nodding and muttering "Okay."

As Sucrose lead Elizabeth towards the stairs, the pair heard you say. "Goodbye Sucrose, Elizabeth." Which only seemed to make the young girl wail louder.

You sighed sadly once the silence was back. Just your thoughts of death, and Albedo's slowly crushing heart.

"You should probably leave soon as well. I don't want you to be here when I go." Albedo frowned at your statement, head shaking.

"Don't say things like that."

Of course, he'd say that. Why did he feel the need to ignore this when it would only come back to hurt him even more later on when you were gone?

"You're the smartest man I know and we both know where this is heading," You said, head feeling much heavier than before. It was getting closer to your time. "I'm going to die, and you can't do anything about it."

"I'm not leaving your side. We promised to stick together through everything, you can't ask me to leave."

"I guess... But promise me this."

"When I go, stop blaming Elizabeth. It was an accident..." You said sincerely. Albedo wanted to make a fuss about it, tell you he'd never been able to forgive her. But for you, he would try. If it was your list desire, your last wish, he'd make it come true. Though it would be difficult. Accidental or not, she was the reason you were leaving him here, alone.

"Okay, I'll try..." He said honestly.

"Thank you," You said, letting out a shaking breath you had been holding for a very long time. Now you felt much more peaceful. "And since I know you stubbornly won't leave," You started, finally turning away from the sink to look into his cerulean eyes. "At least hold my hand."

"Of course, love."

even a year after your death, no matter how hard he tried, there was still this nagging feeling every time he looked at Elizabeth

he wanted too badly forgive her, but he couldn't

she had, although accidental, taken the one person that meant so much to him and he'd never forgive

Albedo is gonna be distant towards everyone he knows and it's completely purposeful

he doesn't like the pitiful gazes that people send his way and he hates that all the captains stared at him at your funeral

obviously, some questioned if he was able to stay in the field

he hadn't taken any time off, even when Jean advised he was welcome and that it would be best

tbh, albedo's going to have a hard time for a while

Xiao

Why did it have to be you? Why not him? He'd feel much better knowing you could live another day, after all, he'd been living a very long time.

But no, the fallen Archons, Gods, Yaksha had chosen you to join them. He wished that weren't the case

Humans and their pathetic vessels... So weak, he thought. Allowing something like cancer to beat them.

No matter how harsh it sounded, he didn't despise you, no. It wasn't your fault. You didn't ask for this. He just knew that if you were a godly being this wouldn't have happened like this or at least not so soon; Xiao had known Gods that had terminal illnesses to live years. Why couldn't you be like them?

He hated watching you lie there in that bed, immobile, sickly, and tired, and all you could say was that everything was going to be alright, that he'd be alright.

But it wasn't. He wouldn't be okay without you. He would struggle daily, fall deeper into a hole. You were the light of his life, the only light in his life. And you were gone, just like that. Turning external scars into internal ones tattered all over his dying heart.

Xiao for the longest time has been by himself, so the people of Liyue know it'll be harder for him to overcome this, no matter what he says or does to prove otherwise

Zhongli in particular knows how hard this will be for his friend

his first and probably last love, dead, gone in the blink of an eye

he'll continue fighting all the monsters he crosses, becoming even more violent when he does so, trying his best to get rid of this stupid sickly feeling of heartbreak

but it won't go away, no matter what he does, no matter how absurd

he just wants the feeling to go away, he despises that feeling so much

if you have a secret place somewhere, like in the mountains, Zhongli often finds him there, wallowing in invisible self-pity

"You know they wouldn't want you to be like this." Zhongli would say, only trying to help

but it doesn't

it only enrages Xiao, even more, fuels him to push everyone out of his life again instead of letting them in like he'd done in your presence

Scaramouche

How dare you. How dare you leave him like this. Alone, nonetheless with a toddler to raise who kept crying for her mommy. He couldn't do this without you, he didn't know how to raise a child, speak to her with the gentle care that you did. That was your expertise but now he'd be doing it solo.

And never again would he entrust someone who he cares about, into ignorant, incompetent arms. Never again will he ever allow any member of the Fatui to watch after his daughter; no matter their rank or position. They had one job while he was away doing business in Liyue. Guard your home twenty-four seven, accompany you into Inazuma's port town should you need anything, watch after his daughter while she plays happily in the luscious Inazuma fields. And they couldn't do that. All he gave them was one simple task, watch and keep you and your daughter safe. Instead, they slacked off, probably drunk in some bar while you were being brutally attacked by murderous mercenaries, left to fend for you and your daughter, only to die protecting her and leave your home to be severely burned.

He knew those idiotic Fatui soldiers were incompetent the moment he stepped foot into the harbor and found that everyone seemed to quiet down. Especially the eerily silent soldiers flanked on each side to welcome him home; he was the highest-ranking soldier in the land of Inazuma after all. Not a single one bothered to step forward and tell him what was wrong, what they all criminally allowed happen. Scaramouche only realized what had happened when he was mere minutes away from arriving home, his daughter had come running from his widowed mother's arms, the sight of smoke rising in the air, from the direction of his home. You were nowhere to be seen.

It all happened so fast, in the blink of an eye. His daughter was clinging to his shirt and his mother only stared with tears of pity.

It didn't take long for the puzzle pieces to be put together and before he knew it, Scaramouche was standing in front of his home, part of it burnt to a crisp and black.

He didn't need to ask what happened, he didn't need to know where you were, because he already knew. What he didn't know was who exactly had done this. But he was going to find out, now.

Incompetent, selfish, bastards. They would all pay for this. The lazy piggish Fatui soldiers who he should've never trusted with such a simple task and the thieves who had murdered you. They all had it rightfully coming.

Scaramouche hates the world after he lost you

he hates it so much and can't understand how this had happened

he's not a good person, so he blames it on karma and those stupid idiots who couldn't protect you

ngl, he's not gonna be around much after your death... his mother would argue that he should be here to raise your daughter, because she's also in pain and doesn't understand that this isn't some game of hide and seek this time

instead, he's focused and driven by revenge

he doesn't listen to a word anybody says, he's much more dangerous than before, and he only trusts his judgment

anyone trying to get him to stop his mission, is someone who doesn't want to see him happy he thinks (though that's not true at all. they hate that he is obsessive over this) but he will personally put a stop to that

and he'll only return home to his daughter and mother when he finds who did this and they along with their bloodline is exterminated

while he's gone, the remainder of his family is relocated somewhere he knows they'll be safe, for example, even though he despises childe, he knows his mom and daughter will be safe with his family

sorry, but Scaramouche will hold this deep-rooted hatred and love for you after you die

yes, he still loves and misses you dearly, but he hates you for leaving him alone, hates that although it wasn't intentional and out of your control, that you were gone

no matter how hard you tried to fight, it was selfish of you to leave him like this

he's not going to stop until he believes whoever was behind this is dead

and in his case, he'll stop believing when he chooses, even if they are innocent/guilty, he'll keep going

3.19.21, rayofsunas

[sirthisisa-wendys]

Ungodly Hour: Geto Suguru x Fem!Reader

synopsis: Suguru doesn’t know the meaning of “relief”, and neither will you. 

words: 1779

tw: nsfw (light smut) 

Slam! 

Your head hits the desk - well, more accurately, the book on the desk - and you jolt back up, hoping no one heard your head crack against the pages. Shoko eyes you over the divider in the carrell, frowning deeply. 

“Are you getting any sleep?” You don’t answer, giving her a sheepish glance before looking back down at the shapeless words. “You need to tell him to stop keeping you up so late.��� 

“Huh?” You look back up at the brown eyes still staring at you and roaming around your high-necked sweater, looking for any evidence to use against you. 

“Suguru. Don’t be afraid to tell him to let you sleep once in a while.” Shoko chuckles, then closes her book and stands. “Anyways, we should get back to the dorms. With those two dimwits off campus right now, maybe you could get some sleep.” 

You walk back to the dorms in silence, taking in the fall air with appreciation. The crisp smell of falling leaves and fresh rain settles over you like a warm embrace, and you think of the long, black haired sorcerer who resided in the back of your mind at all times. You used to think that Suguru was like the spring: fresh, and energizing. But now, he felt like the fall… comforting, warm, and familiar. The furnace for your fire. The threads for your sweater. The cup for your tea.

“Hey,” Shoko nudges you when you get to her room. “Draw that line, girl.” You laugh a  little at her cheesy words, then walk the few hundred feet to your room.

Silence greets you when you open the door and walk to your bed, which is neatly made from the previous week. You never really spent time in your bed anymore; Suguru liked to sleep with you in his arms, in his room, under his sheets. You thought you would feel a deeper sense of longing when he was gone, but your body reacts only with relief as you collapse on the bed. You need to shower the day off and wash your face, but the exhaustion drags you down and soon, you’re asleep on top of the covers, arm tucked comfortably under your head. 

When you wake, you realize dreams elude your memory. It had been like that for some time - this dreamless sleep. You were grateful for the lack of dreams, because it also meant the lack of nightmares. You hadn’t yet mentally recovered from the incident with the special grade curse, and neither had Suguru. One month wasn’t enough to wipe away the foul smell or the taste of blood out of your mouth, and you were sure that your hyperfixation on your studies would only drive your ability to deal with the trauma into the ground. 

But you couldn’t help it. 

You watched Suguru throw himself into the books when he couldn’t figure out a solution, so you did the same. When you went out with him on any given night, you two would get drunk or high (or both) and then fuck each other’s brains out. Deep down, you know it’s not the best way to cope with things, but the inherent toxicity of the cycle only draws you deeper. 

The second thing you realize is that it’s impossibly dark. 

A glance at the digital clock on your nightstand informs you that it’s eleven seventeen, which means you slept through dinner and possibly even Suguru’s return. You roll onto the edge of the bed to reach into your backpack to fish out your phone. There are no messages on the empty screen you note. He must not have made it back yet. 

As you sit up and rub your eyes, the thought to shower comes back to you. Ignoring your grumbling stomach, you step off the bed and take two steps in the direction of the bathroom, the trip over something hard and large laying on your bedroom floor. 

“Shit!” 

As you precariously hold on to the edge of your desk, you hear a groan and a figure shifting up from the floor slowly. Taking two books off your desk and yelling, you toss the thick volumes at the rising figure and grab another book to throw, the previous makeshift weapons thumping to the ground after hitting their mark… at least, you think they hit their mark. 

“Y/n, it’s me!” The sound of Suguru’s voice first shocks you, then enrages you. Gripping the third book in your hand, you flick on the lights and see Suguru tenderly picking up the volumes you tossed at him. 

“Your dictionaries? Really?” You’re not sure if you throw the third book out of embarrassment or anger, but Suguru picks it up after it hits his chest and stacks them on your desk anyways. “Sorry for scaring you, kitten.” 

“Don’t ‘kitten’ me!” You huff, running a hand through your hair out of frustration. “What were you doing sleeping on my floor?” 

“You looked so peaceful, and I didn’t want to wake you. So I thought the next best place to be near you would be the floor.” Suguru grunts, rolling his shoulder. “In hindsight, I should’ve sat in the chair instead.” You squint your eyes at the sorcerer, frowning, but choose to leave the argument where it is and go into the bathroom. You leave the door open while you wash your face and brush your teeth, letting Suguru eye you over the dictionary he had picked up out of boredom. “Yeah, the mission went well,” he finally called out over the sound of running water. “Thanks for asking.” 

“I didn’t,” you reply, turning the shower on and taking off your clothes. 

“I would like to shower, too.” The dictionary thumps back onto the desk, but you turn to kick the door closed before Suguru can even enter. Sighing, you run a hand under the warm water then step into the shower, feeling your muscles relax. Despite your obvious rejection, the door opens, and you hear the rustling of clothing. Suguru entered into the shower behind you, his spindly fingers trapezing around your body without a care. You instinctively relax into his grip, and his lips find your neck, pressing into the wet skin tenderly. 

“Su…” You whine, but he doesn’t relent. “Suguru, please…” His hard length rubs against your ass, and for once, you pray that he’ll give you just a few moments to shower before railing into you like a sex-starved man. 

“You need to be taught some manners, sweetheart.” The way his lips trail past your earlobe and across the minefield of hickies makes you shudder and lean into the hand cupping your neck. “Luckily for you, I’m the perfect disciplinarian.” You jerk at the feeling of his hand running across your stomach and to your ass before lifting it. But instead of smacking your flesh, he grabs your bar of soap and rubs it between his hands in front of you. 

“Sh-Shoko said I need to get more sleep.” You rush out, and Suguru pauses. 

“Oh?” His soft tone doesn’t betray his true feelings, but you know he’s tabulating all of the times he’s kept you from sleeping. “Why did she say that?” 

“I fell asleep in the library while I was trying to study,” You admit, feeling heat rush to your cheeks. “She noticed the hickies, too.” At this, Suguru gives a derisive snort. 

“Who doesn’t notice them?” You had to admit that he was right; the purplish-blue splotches are his way of marking you as his, warning the other snooping males to stay away as if you were a poisonous toad with yellow and blue coloring. As if to prove his point, he makes another one, this time running his teeth along the previous markings. 

“Seriously, Su.” Your voice makes him straighten up behind you and his soapy hands rest on your shoulders. 

“I’m sorry, y/n. I should’ve been more mindful of making sure you aren’t kept up too late.” You look over your shoulder at his face- which is serious, unflinching, and with a tinge of red around the cheeks - and he presses a feather-light kiss to your cheek. “Let me clean you up and get you back into bed.” 

Surprisingly, Suguru kept his promise, only touching you if he needed to reach past you or help you with the tangled mess that was your hair. As you climb into bed, Suguru tucks you in and presses another kiss to your forehead before turning on the small lamp at your desk.

“Goodnight, y/n,” he murmurs, then takes his familiar place at the desk, hunched over one of his books. 

That next morning, the warmth of Suguru’s body envelops you comfortably, and you wonder how he climbed into bed without waking you. Feeling unusually refreshed, you slip out of his arms and press a hand to his cheek, kissing the skin in thanks. Once in the bathroom, you stretch and yawn, hearing your bones crack - early in the morning and not late at night, for once - satisfied you deeply. You turn away to reach for your facial soap, when you hear it slide open unceremoniously. 

Fuck. 

A very alert Suguru leans against the doorway, observing your unclothed figure with a sinister look in his eye. 

“Early bird gets the worm.” And that’s how you found yourself staring at your reflection with Suguru’s hand holding your shoulder while he plowed into you from behind, his other hand rubbing circles on your clit. 

“You thought I’d let you get away…” he breathes into your ear, kissing your earlobe. “If not late at night, I’ll make sure you’re satisfied before you leave for class.” You can only moan his name, looking at your wanton reflection. “You look so perfect, kitten…” he groans. “All worked up so early in the morning for me…” 

“So, did you do it?” Shoko asks later, smiling widely when you nod slowly. 

“If I don’t want to be late, I have to get up earlier,” you mention, feeling the slick between your thighs that reminded you of how the morning had ended with you rushing out of the door. You barely had enough time to clean yourself up, which made for an uncomfortable two hours of squeezing your thighs together so Suguru’s seed wouldn’t stain the seat beneath you. The lecture was completely lost on you, you realize with acute self-consciousness. 

“Huh? Why?” Shoko eyed you carefully, then realized what you meant a second later. “So much for trying to help…” she muttered, looking away from you, embarrassed. So you walked on to class, and Shoko never suggested another thing when it came to Suguru.

[astaroth1357]

Hello!! Congratulations on your 1,500 followers!!! I was wondering if you could write hc's with the Demon brothers reacting or helping MC with daddy issues(if possible specifically the kinds with an absent father). If possible please make the female MC, but if you would prefer to make it Gender Natural than its awesome as well!! Thank you very much for your awesome work!!💖💖

A F!MC has an Absent Father (Mammon, Beel, Asmo, and Lucifer)

Okay, so this was a pretty tough request (part of the reason why I'm getting to it so late). Having an absent father can lead to a lot of different (very sensitive) issues for their daughters and I always want to try and be as respectful as possible while still producing accurate content… So instead of my usual 7 brothers format, I'll be shortening this to the brothers that I think could best handle the situation at hand. As always, I will try my best to be respectful to those who may be experiencing these struggles, but if anything I say comes across as harmful or triggering please let me know right away. I'll take down/edit the post if need be. Thank you.

Warnings: Absent Fathers, Eating Disorders, Body Image Problems, Depression, Abandonment, Divorce

Mammon

What kind of Dad wants nothing to do with his kids?? From Day One, Mammon just couldn't understand it...

Admittedly, he might have been a little biased. Ever since he watched his baby brothers grow up, he'd always had a little soft spot for anklebiters in general… They made for pretty sweet kids compared to their rude, spitfire-y current selves (even Satan had his moments). Mammon could see that same innocence in a lot of kids, human, angel, or demon.

So when the MC revealed to him that her own father walked out on her mother before she was born, he was just slightly (incredibly) outraged.

Though he'd like to believe the guy had his reasons for leaving, it just didn't sit right with him… Especially after getting to know the MC so well and seeing that she was such a great person! 

Hadn't the guy been curious about her at all? Didn't he care?? What was stopping him now?? (You know, aside from being on a completely different plane of existence and all that. Like that would stop Marlin from finding Nemo… Yeah, he likes Pixar. What of it?)

Some people might have gone as far as to say that Mammon was waaay more upset about it than she was herself, which was nice but well… his heart was in the right place.

It was around the time when he offered to track the guy down, hogtie him, then leave him to drown in the 4th Circle that she had to take him aside and explain that, though she appreciated his anger on her behalf, she didn't need him to crusade for her… 

She ultimately told him that if he really wanted to help, he could love her and be there for her. Words that he not only took it to heart, but he took very seriously.

She’d never had anyone be as reliable or faithful as Mammon was after that point. As far as he was concerned, he could be what her father never was for her: loving, caring, and present for no other reason than because he loved her!

You know, like you're supposed to be for the people you hold dear...

True, he didn’t always say the right things nor did he always manage to solve every problem for her when he tried to help but he never stopped trying to make her feel loved. He'd spend every Grimm he'd ever had if he had to. She deserved it.

Beelzebub

When you love someone, you usually want to get to know more about them. Things like their past… So it wasn’t unusual for Beel to ask the MC about her home back in the human world, especially after he shared his own past with Lilith and his brothers.

Unfortunately (or fortunately he'd suppose, depending on how you look at it), the intricacies of divorce were a little new to him... Sure, he knew what marriage was and that relationships can fail, but to be frank, he grew up in a very different sort of situation than that of humans. 

He didn't even have a mother, much less and traditional father-son relationship. Lucifer filled in that spot for him like he had for everyone else and they left their father of their own accord...

But something about the way the MC talked about how her father left felt… upsetting. She seemed to use different sorts of tones when talking about the whole thing... At first, she spoke it with blank apathy, but then it changed to bitterness, then lastly… sadness. Like she was regretful about something that, for as far as he could tell, was completely out of her control…

He didn't want to pry into her past much more for that reason... Though he could tell something about it had hurt her, probably deeply, he didn’t want to make her uncomfortable so he just waited for her to come to him instead...

And in time, she did.

And ever the patient listener, Beel let her get it all off her chest. He could tell that she felt a lot of different ways about it, and most of them weren’t positive, but he was never one to tell people how to feel about anything. Thinking back on it, he supposed that he’d feel pretty bad too if Lucifer just left the family one day, but even that wasn’t quite the same thing… 

What he knew for certain was that it hurt him to see her so upset and, for once, he wasn’t really sure how to fix it… Can you even “fix” these things? Since he didn’t know the answers he just made a simple promise to himself in order to help make things better...

He probably couldn’t bring her father back, nor could he make his absence hurt any less, but he could be there for her instead. Not like a father, obviously, but as someone who could always love her whether or not she felt she needed it...

And from then on, he let his actions so the talking.

If she was upset and needed comfort, Beel was there. If she was feeling lonely or unloved, he’d be the first to notice and hold her close. Even if she tried to push him away to protect herself from any pain, he wouldn't just abandon her. He'd wait patiently for her to be ready to let him in.

He might not have known all the answers for her, but he wasn't going to let her feel all alone… He made sure of that.

Asmodeus

If he were telling the truth, Asmo was already pretty familiar with this sort of thing. Everybody has "Daddy Issues," himself included, and affects people in a lot of different ways in or outside the bedroom.

Which is why he found it particularly disheartening when he noticed some signs in his beloved MC…

The MC had once confided in him that her relationship with her father was… distant. Though he was physically in the family, she never felt like she could talk to him or get to know him… In a sense, he was never as involved in her life as he probably should have been.

That alone wasn't very uncommon for human families, or so he's heard, heck between his Heavenly-but-Distant Father and his Not-as-Distant-but-Always-Busy Brotherly Surrogate, he could even relate… but it was how she seemed to cope that concerned him…

Something about her self-esteem just wasn't where it needed to be… 

Of course, Asmo's not one to get on a high horse and preach that looks don't actually mean anything (he's a demon, not a hypocrite) but there's a big difference between practicing self-love and falling victim to self-critique… There’s wanting to look your best because it brings you personal joy to do so, then there’s constantly worrying about rejection when you don't look so nice… He's seen it all before.

Truthfully, it was a painful cycle to witness… the eating and then the starving… the hours she’d spend in front of the mirror or her bitter tears after a "bad" selfie… It made his heart ache uncontrollably just to think about it…

So of course he intervened, he simply had to. Not only was it unhealthy for her but it could have brought his darling so much lasting pain in the long run...

When he finally spoke to the MC, he tried to be as gentle as he could while still expressing his concerns… He told her that he noticed the way she had been acting and that he was worried about her…  He genuinely believed that she indeed deserved love with no strings attached. She didn’t need to “prove herself” worthy of it for him or any of his brothers because they would be there for her regardless of what she looked like.

It wasn’t a cure-all. obviously, but never thought it would be. It would take her time to learn how to express love for herself or feel secure that he wouldn’t just start ignoring her one day… but Asmo was nothing if not a caring and patient lover. 

He tracked down places and people who could help her with her struggles and what they couldn’t offer he picked up on himself through perseverance, persistence, and a lot of research. He had his heart set on helping her and that was exactly what he planned to do.

Asmo wasn’t going to stop until she believed that she was honestly, genuinely loved... And that was a promise.

Lucifer

Lucifer picked up that there was something a little different about the human early on, even before he was ever told that her father passed away when she was young. She seemed… particularly fond of him.

He didn’t think much of it at first, but over time it started getting more and more apparent that she gravitated to him for one reason or another… She’d hover around him, bring him things while he worked, or act out like she wanted his attention (not completely unlike Satan or Belphie in that regard).

If he were being honest, it flattered him some, but the more he began to think about it the more… uncomfortable it made him for reasons he couldn’t quite place…

Eventually he gave in and had to run the problem by Barbatos just for a little clarity (he figured the butler could be discreet about it) and that’s when the connection between him and the MC’s deceased father finally came to light. 

There was no real way to sugarcoat it other than to say that she seemed to think of him as… a surrogate Dad of sorts… Which didn’t exactly ease his concerns at all. 

Though he was probably the most “fatherly” person in the House (having more or less become the unofficial father figure to his brothers for centuries), those were still his brothers. He had a large part in actually raising them. The MC was not only a human, but patently not his child. He truly had grown to love her over their time together but that was a very different kind of love…

Something about the situation rubbed him the wrong way… Would he be taking advantage of the MC’s past if he were to try and be with her like he wanted…? Sure, he may be demonic, but he’s not heartless. He only wanted what was best for her and he wasn’t quite sure that was him for once…

While he was still mulling over his feelings, the MC finally jumped the gun and asked him if they could start dating. He knew that it would hurt her (and him) if he said no but he also couldn’t pretend that there wasn’t a problem here…

So he compromised. He agreed to the relationship, but told her that he wanted to take things slow… He was open about his concerns that she may not love him for the reasons she thought she did, which wasn’t the most pleasant conversation to have but it seemed like the one she needed to hear.

It encouraged him that she didn’t appear to reject him outright when he brought it up, nor was she completely broken up about the pace he wanted to set for them, which was a good sign. 

He offered to find her people to talk to about her concerns, particularly around her upbringing, at no cost to her. He thinks humans call them… therapists? Whatever they were, he didn’t doubt that they were better equipped to help than he was.

He tried his best to make it clear that he was only concerned because he loved her so deeply that he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t using her trauma for his own ends... She deserved better than that and he wasn’t afraid to tell her such.

It ended up being a slow process to love for them both, but he’d never regret putting the MC’s wellbeing first. No matter what.

[kiss-inthekitchen]

breathe with me | loki laufeyson

summary: Loki helps you through your anxiety

wc: 1.1k

warnings: mentions of anxiety, it's generally pretty mild though

a/n: this is just self indulgent fluff i wrote to cope. reader is of unspecified gender (pretty sure i didn't specify anywhere but if u notice me mess up let me know!), idiots who don't know they like each other, loki being soft

-

It had been a shit week.

Truthfully, it had been a shit few months, but this week everything seemed to be coming down on you at once. Anxiety had been weighing heavy on your mind, following you everywhere you went, giving you nightmares nearly every night. You were relatively new to living in the Avengers compound and you’d been struggling to fit in with the established dynamic of the group, so you didn’t feel like you could confide in anyone. You’d just been trying and failing to soothe your anxiety on your own.

So today, when you woke to an empty Avengers compound, your feelings of being alone in the world physically manifesting in front of you, it was no wonder you couldn’t hold it together anymore.

You were pacing around the common room since you had too much anxious energy to sit still, too lost in thought to sense that someone had entered the room.

“Darling? Is everything alright?” Loki asked, making you jump.

“Oh! Loki, I didn’t realize you were home, I- I thought everyone had left.” Recovering from the initial shock of being interrupted, you felt a wave of relief wash over you at his presence.

You realized you still hadn’t answered his question. You weren’t really sure how to. “I’m fine. It- it’s just- stupid, you dont need to-”

He silenced you with a look you’d become all too familiar with. “If it’s bothering you, love, it’s not stupid.”

You could’ve almost cried hearing him say that. You’d always liked Loki, and you knew that- at least compared to the others in the compound- he liked you, too. He didn’t fit in with the others either, so it made sense that the two of you had instantly gravitated toward one another. Through all the difficulty you’d had in the compound, the good moments had almost exclusively been in his company.

He walked over to the couch and sat down, gesturing for you to follow. You hovered near the arm of the couch, unsure, as he waited for you to tell him what was wrong.

You were hesitant to tell him about your anxiety. Things were good with the two of you, you didn’t want to show him this side of your personality- the side that was difficult, irrational- and risk being rejected by him.

If you were honest with yourself, you liked him in a way that was more than friendly. Sometimes you thought he might feel the same, with all the sweet nicknames and the fact that he was touchier with you than anyone else. But maybe that’s just how Loki acted when he was comfortable with someone. It’s not like he had any close friendships with the other Avengers that you could compare it to.

You really did want his help, though. But you hated the idea of being a burden on the only person in the compound that you were actually friends with. “I can handle it myself, if you want. I don’t want you to feel like you need to help me.”

“You don’t need to handle it by yourself, dove,” he said in a tone that, while soft and comforting, left no room for argument.

Well, shit. If you didn’t feel like crying before, you definitely did now. You sat down next to him on the couch cushion and he took one of your hands in his, tracing circles into the back of it with his thumb.

“Okay,” you said, and he squeezed your hand a bit to encourage you. You spoke your next words quickly, keeping your gaze on your joined hands.

“I- I’ve just been feeling so anxious lately, I don’t feel like I really fit in here- with the others, and I know you and I are different but I was scared to tell you because I didn’t know how you’d react, and then I woke up this morning and the tower was so quiet and empty and I felt so alone-”

“Darling,” he breathed out as your voice broke. “I understand your fears, but of course you can tell me. I lived most of my life feeling alone, I completely understand.”

You just nodded in response, feeling somewhat foolish for getting so caught up in your thoughts. Of course Loki understood. He had a difficult side too.

“I don’t want you to question whether you can come to me, okay?”

“Okay,” you assured him, your lips quirking up into a small smile. You looked up at him to find that he was smiling back at you.

“That’s what I like to see,” he said as he reached out, gently touching your cheek before he let his hand fall back down.

You felt your face heat up under his gaze. For just a second his expression changed into one you couldn’t quite read, and then it was gone.

“Now, can you do something for me?” He asked, his voice maintaining that soothing tone you could never get enough of.

“Sure,” you replied, curious what he was going to ask you.

“I want you to take a deep breath for me. We’ll do it together, yeah?” He released your hand, and before you could even register your disappointment, he held both his arms out for you. You curled yourself into him without hesitation, resting your legs over his and leaning your head against his chest. He felt your deep inhale. “There you go, love. Breathe with me.”

With your body pressed against his, it was easy to fall into his steady rhythm. His presence beside you and the soothing track of his thumb against your skin calmed you down much quicker than you could’ve done alone.

“Thank you, Lo,” you said into his shirt.

You felt his soft smile against the top of your head. “Anytime, love. I mean that. I’ll be here, as long as you’ll have me.”

“You’ll be here a while, then,” you chuckled. He squeezed you tighter against him in response.

The two of you sat in comfortable silence for a beat before he spoke up again. “You should rest now, darling. I’m going to take us to your room, okay?”

“Okay,” you mumbled against his shirt as the room shifted around you, Loki transporting the two of you to your bed. You disentangled yourself from him as he lifted the comforter back for you. “Will you stay?”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he assured you, slipping under the covers beside you and pulling you back into his body. You felt safe in his embrace, a rare moment for you both. With his chest pressed solidly against your back and one arm snug around your waist, you found yourself drifting off within minutes.

You slept better than you had in weeks. When you woke later on, Loki was still beside you.

[echo-of-sounds]

rejection sensitive dysphoria

How Aizawa, Toshi, Hizashi, and Gang Orca would support their s/o with rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Sorry if some of these are a little difficult to read. A lot of this is personal so I sort of prattled on. But I think I edited them down enough to make sense and read clearly.

Aizawa Shouta

Shouta struggles with a few of your ADHD symptoms, mainly clicking and tapping. He’s also growing and learning. He comforts you from sensitivities and learns to help with memory issues. But one thing that’ll throw him for a loop is rejection sensitive dysphoria. Handling people’s emotions, he isn’t that best at. Handling your self-accusations, nearly uncontrollable guilt, and alienation hurts, worries, confusions, and upsets him.

It’ll take a lot of practice on his part to understand what exactly RSD is and how it affects your thinking, behaviors, and feelings. It’s hard for him to grasp how him saying “Don’t do that” or how reading a nice, useful critique on your writing is enough to make you sob for ten minutes. Your train of thought just makes very little sense. It’s helping you. You should use the advice to improve your skills. But he doesn’t voice that. It won’t make you feel better.

While he is confused about your reasoning, he understands you’re hurting. That’s more than enough to make him sit down, hold you, and talk (which is difficult for him). After reading about RSD and gaining new insights, he prefers talking out what happened and what your thoughts/feelings were saying. It’s to guide you along a path of understanding the situation better in hopes it’ll calm you. He wasn’t disappointed. That was just your mind twisting the conversation. Now, that doesn’t stop the flooding emotions, but it’s reassuring to realize his disgust wasn’t real. He still loves you. He always will.

A behavior that puzzles him (i.e. worries him sick) is when you fluctuate between a social butter and a hermit. You try so hard to make someone like you so much, but then a week later, you’re completely isolating. You don’t respond to texts or calls. You don’t engage. You just turn dormant. It’s like you either need to be beloved or erased. There’s no in-between… 

And that makes Shouta feel as stuck as you. Though he hides it to an extent. He knows if he revealed annoyance at your withdrawal, that could very well make it worse. And since he isn’t that great at emotional subjects, his choice of words could make it seem like he’s mad at you when that’s not the case at all. His annoyance is at the emotions. They take you away from the world, from your friends and life and him. It’s upsetting. He’s hurt that you don’t partake in card games with friends or join him for dinner anymore.

After a while, he will have a brief outburst. Despite the anger, underneath the scowls and retorts, you can tell he just misses you. He’s your partner. You need to have some sort of involvement in the partnership. At the end of his blowout, he apologizes. And you should, too. It’s unfair for you to disengage for so long. He understands your emotions are difficult to handle, but he doesn’t deserve you neglecting him. It’s on both of you to work with each other and figure out the best way to cope.

Yagi Toshinori

Toshinori’s great with difficult emotions. Hero work’s given him plenty of practice. But he always has a soft spot for you and loathes how you berate and bully yourself. It’s not fair. Mistakes happen. Sometimes you mishear. You won’t always reach your goals, and that’s perfectly okay! It’s also okay to not be the best at everything. None of that means you’re a failure. Anytime he notices the brittle little switch flick on that revs up your thinking, he turns his focus to you.

Like when he drives you to your doctor’s appointment. But it was at one, not four. You disappointed yourself, made Toshi drive you for nothing, and took up his time and energy for fucking nothing. You failed. You’re a fuckup. It hurts. You don’t know why. It just hurts. It’s lonely. It’s overwhelming. You can’t describe the quality, nature, or aspect. You’re just scared and fragile and ashamed and inadequate and now tears are streaming down your face for absolutely no fucking reason and it won’t stop, it gets worse and worse and heavier and heavier and you just want to disappear.

Toshi gently pulls you to his chest. It doesn’t matter how ‘insignificant’ the reason is, he comforts you, softly reassuring he isn’t angry and you aren’t a screwup. You made a mistake. That’s it. There’s no consequence. No nothing. You two can go home and spend your time together, cuddling and kissing, instead of at a doctor’s office. You can fix the mistake later and all will be well.

The high standards you set for yourself upset him. It gives him anxiety. When you get your essay back, the one you spent uncountable hours on, and you only got a 91, he doesn’t understand why or want to see you cry. Out of one-hundred, that’s an amazing grade, especially on difficult subjects. He wishes you learn self-love and accept yourself- fumbles, slipups, and all. Because the minute you fail, since the standards are simply not achievable by anyone, you tongue-lash yourself to tears. You’re scared of failure. But that’s exactly what you set yourself up for with your thinking.

To help, he will read plenty about what he can do to support you. He knows it’s not all on him to fix. You work with your therapist and practice coping techniques. But he yearns to help. He always will. During the buildup of an emotional eruption, he talks with you, directing your mind towards self-compassion: self-kindness because you deserve warmth and sympathy from yourself, common humanity because everyone has flaws and faults, and mindfulness because you can have negative emotions without judging them or yourself.

Overall, Toshi is there to bolster and comfort you. If you need certain things explained or want company to an event, he’s right beside you. He wants you to love yourself as he does, completely. That includes your flaws and mistakes.

Yamada Hizashi

Hizashi’s very in tune with your feelings. The slightest change is often felt by him. It doesn’t matter if the criticism is real or perceived, he’s hugging you, drying your tears. You aren’t an idiot or annoying or inferior. You didn’t fail or disappoint. And he certainly isn’t mad or judging or rejecting you. He loves you dearly. The instant you withdraw because of his tone, words, or actions, he explains he isn’t angry, that he loves you just as much, if not more, than yesterday.

And whether or not the initiating scene was real, he reassures you that no matter how devastating, destructive the emotions are right now, they will pass. You will feel better. Your mind is just in overdrive right now. Once it hits the brakes, it’s easier to think about what really happened. You can recognize his critique wasn’t some personal attack because he suddenly abhors your mere presence. He was genuinely trying to help improve your piano skills. It was out of love. Everything he does is out of love.

The embarrassment and low self-esteem are his chief concerns. You deserve to feel comfortable with your mind and body. Who cares if someone doesn’t like your dress? Screw them. You’re fucking beautiful and worthy of having fun and feeling good. He tries his best to kiss the tears away. If you need more kisses in the places you hate, he gladly obliges. 

The idea of failing a task is too painful, so you never try. You don’t speak up even when you have a great idea. You don’t vocalize your needs because you’d rather be insignificant than called clingy and weak. Hizashi is the ideal man to help. He’s your cheerleader, supporter, and defender. He’ll tell the server your burger was wrong. He’ll listen to your ideas and bring them up, knowing they’re terrific, then make sure you get the credit you deserve. Your words are valid. You’re valid. It doesn’t matter if something you do isn’t the best. You’re still entitled to be heard, helped, and respected.

Hizashi cracks jokes galore. Sometimes they’re groan-worthy. Sometimes they’re pretty funny. Sometimes, after a stress-filled day when you’re raw and insecure, one minuscule jab in a teasing-but-maybe-not-but-maybe-bullying voice can reduce you to nothing. Because that’s exactly what you feel like- a stupid, unwanted, fruitless fool. He’s quick to catch the fumble and switches into snuggly mode, apologizing and nuzzling you under blankets. You know he never means to insult you. But that doesn’t stop the emotions from bursting.

He changes how and when he jokes by paying attention to your anxiety level. He also compliments you more, immodestly and extravagantly. It’s almost too much, but Hizashi doesn’t care. He just wants you to know how much he loves and appreciates you.

Gang Orca

Kugo struggles… a lot. Relationships and delicate emotions in general aren’t his expertise. In the beginning of your relationship, he notices your sensitivities straight away. He doesn’t bring it up at first. Thinking it’s him doing something wrong, he changes how he acts. Then it happens again and again, over things he’s plain confused by. Why does him saying “Not right now” or “I don’t care” bother you so? He was only answering your question.

The more he apologizes, the more ashamed you feel. You must start the conversation on RSD. He’d never mention it for fear he would appear rude or prying. And you’ll need to be specific about what you’re sensitive to so he can do his best to work with you. He reads all those relationship blogs and self-help magazines, hoping to find new ways to support you.

Like Aizawa, Kugo talks through what happened whenever you feel blamed or criticized. He desperately wants to understand your thinking. He hopes it’ll help you realize it wasn’t a big deal. Of course, it is a big deal when you’re sobbing and whipping yourself. But once you’ve calmed, he sits with you and just talks, openly and honestly: What about his words hurt? Was it a specific word, his tone, or what he said? Do you believe he meant to hurt you or was your mind goading itself on?

If you react with anger, he’s baffled. You asked for constructive criticism on your drawing and then when he gives it, you’re slamming your sketchbook closed and snapping at him. His go-to is to apologize. That just makes it worse because now you’re feeling angry and guilty. And his sad expression makes you absolutely incensed because why the hell isn’t he realizing that it’s not about him? And now he’s apologizing again and you’re crying and feel so exposed and threatened and judged and you can’t talk so you just run away, preferring to be forsaken than a burden.

Take the time you need to calm. Kugo will give you plenty of space. When the emotional flash dies and you realize you vilified him over nothing, find him, apologize, and explain. He appreciates both. He accepts your emotional dysregulation and all your strengths and flaws. However, he wishes you wouldn’t take your frustrations out on him. He loves you. He wants to be your backbone. But he can’t do that when you succumb to your fight-or-flight response.

To help reduce unnecessary stress, Kugo reminds you to eat right, exercise, and keep a sleep schedule. When you’re tired, he notices you’re on edge, expecting anger and rejection to come out of nowhere. He takes your phone from your fingers and carries you to bed. You’re unable to get up since he wraps you tight, so you might as well sleep. He pays attention to what you eat. If you haven't eaten healthily, he brings you a glass of water and apple slices with peanut butter. Any time you’re particularly jittery, he recommends going for a walk to get out the swirling energy. Or, if you suggest, sex to work out and get pleasure (which is always a bonus).