#which. is so ironic when she implies i’m naive about people

[ccomilk]

i love my coworker but sometimes i am very suddenly reminded that she is a rich white private highschooler who still hasn’t left that bubble yet

[helloalycia]

my patient’s neighbour [four] // wanda maximoff

summary: taking Wanda to meet your parents wasn't the best decision in hindsight...

warning/s: none i don't think?

author's note: i’m not sure what to say other than sorry in advance oops

part one | part two | part three | part five | part six | part seven | masterlist | wattpad

The restaurant my parents chose wasn't too flashy but rather comforting and homely, with an Italian theme and matching cuisine. It was bustling with people, but it didn't take long for Wanda and I to find my parents sat at the back waiting for us.

"You gonna be okay?" I asked, glancing at her with a comforting squeeze of the hand.

"I've got you, haven't I?" she asked playfully, her accent thicker than usual as she spoke. And though she was joking, I knew there was truth to her words which sent the butterflies in my stomach into a frenzy.

"You're cute," I said with adoration, appreciating how lovely her eyes looked in the dimly-lit restaurant. "Come on."

Hand in hand, we approached my parents' table and I had hopes that tonight would go well. My parents weren't exactly intimidating – at least anyone I'd ever known hadn't got that impression – but I still worried for Wanda. Unlike her, I couldn't read minds, so I couldn't tell if she was actually looking forward to tonight or if she was just doing it for me.

"Y/N, you're here!" my mum exclaimed with a grin when she spotted me.

"I am," I said with a nervous smile, before motioning to Wanda. "And so is Wanda, my girlfriend."

"Yes, Y/N mentioned you would be coming," my mum said with a friendly smile, looking to Wanda, before motioning to the table. "Please, sit, sit."

I squeezed Wanda's hand gently before pulling out a chair for her. She smiled at me appreciatively before I took a seat beside her, facing my parents.

"It's nice to finally meet you, Wanda," my dad said with a nod. "Y/N mentioned you plenty of times when we'd call to catch up with her."

"You, too," Wanda spoke politely. "Both of you. Y/N told me that you're travelling the world, is that right?"

I leaned on my hand and glanced at Wanda, who shot me a mischievous smile. Quirking a brow, I mentally applauded her. Getting my parents to talk about their travels was an easy way of bonding with them – they would tell every server and customer in this restaurant about their travelling if they could. She'd cracked them instantly.

I'm just that good, milashka (cutie).

Trying not to laugh as her words echoed in my mind because of her powers, I leaned back into my seat and listened in as my parents went into a ramble about their ongoing adventures. This was pretty much how the rest of the evening went, as the four of us dined on expensive wine and delicious pizza. They seemed to be getting along well, with Wanda asking all the right questions and giving them her picture-perfect smile that impressed all the elders. Heck, she was even impressing me.

Naively, I appreciated how well the evening was going until my parents decided to talk to Wanda about her career.

"So, Y/N mentioned you're one of those Revengers," my mum remembered as we ate.

"Avengers," I corrected her, mildly embarrassed.

Wanda chuckled, glancing at me, before nodding. "Yes, I am. For over a year now, I've been working with them."

"Them being Iron Man, Captain America, the Black Widow...?" my dad asked, looking up as if trying to remember the rest, further embarrassing me.

"Those are the ones," Wanda quipped with a nod.

My mum hummed in response as my dad nodded before leaning back in his seat and eyeing Wanda curiously.

"I can't imagine your job is the safest," he began. "You protect people from threats, right? Keep them safe."

Wanda seemed caught off guard, but recovered quickly. "It's got it's... dangers, yes. But I can handle myself. I've got powers and I know how to use them."

"You do," my dad agreed, before his eyes flickered to me briefly. "But Y/N doesn't. She's just a regular human."

I set my fork down on my plate and looked to him calmly. "Dad, what are you saying?"

"No, it's fine," Wanda said reassuringly, resting her hand on my leg under the table. I grabbed it and held it as she continued to speak to my father. "Y/N doesn't have powers, you are correct."

"And dating an Avenger, I can imagine, must put a huge target on her back," he said with concern, and my mum nodded in agreement. "How can we be certain that she is safe?"

"Dad!"

"Your father is right, Y/N," my mum said, giving me a look, before her expression softened as she looked to a startled Wanda. "We're not implying that you're incapable, Wanda. We can clearly see that you care about our daughter. And you're a lovely person. You're pretty much perfect."

Wanda swallowed hard. "But?"

My mother frowned. "But dating you is bound to put our Y/N in danger. She could get hurt just for being involved with you, with your friends. She doesn't have powers to protect herself. And I can't imagine you're around her all the time to keep her safe."

As angry as I was at my parents for saying this stuff – even if they were saying it out of love – memories of the incident flashed to mind. They were right, but it was a risk I'd accepted when dating Wanda. What good was it doing by bringing this up now?

Noticing Wanda's silence, I spoke up instead. "I appreciate your concern, guys, but I'm an adult. I understand the danger I may be put in by being with Wanda. But I love her and I know that she is here for me if anything were to ever happen."

"We know," my father said, giving me a small nod. "We just thought we'd share our opinion anyway. It's been weighing on us for a while is all."

I sighed quietly. I couldn't exactly fault them for that.

"Anyway, never mind that," my mum said, setting down her fork. "Now that we've got that out the way, let's order some dessert, yeah? Our treat."

Nodding, I let my parents get excited as they perused the dessert menus before them. Instead, I looked to the quiet brunette beside me and saw how lost in thought she was, eyes focused on the table and stuck in a daydream.

With the hand that was holding hers, I patted her hand with my thumb to earn her attention. She looked up suddenly, questioning gaze falling to me. I frowned and quirked a brow, wondering if she was okay. She forced a smile my way, squeezing my hand reassuringly, but I didn't believe her. I also couldn't question it right in front of my parents, so I decided to speak with her later.

Dessert went by quickly as Wanda, suddenly, wasn't very talkative. I didn't know if my parents noticed, but I sure did and I felt extremely guilty. If I had known of my parents' concerns, I never would have brought Wanda to meet them tonight.

After the evening came to a close and we all stepped out of the restaurant, I expected to be going home with my parents since we lived together, but they claimed they had more plans together tonight.

"Wow, you guys have more of a social life than we do," I joked when they told me to make my own way home.

Wanda barely smiled and I felt bad.

"We'll be back in a few hours," my mum promised, before pulling me in for a hug. "Tonight was fun. A great final night before we leave tomorrow."

I returned the hug and as I gave my dad one, I heard Wanda thanking my mum for the lovely evening halfheartedly. After saying our final goodbyes, Wanda led me to her car in silence, giving me time to try and put some jumbled thoughts together coherently.

As she had been for the past hour, Wanda was quiet on the drive back to my place. Whenever I would glance in her direction, she'd be chewing on her lip and focusing on driving, though the blank expression on her face made me think that maybe she was distracted. It didn't take a genius to know she was thinking about my parents' words and I suddenly felt guilty for putting that all on her.

"I'm sorry," I blurted halfway through the journey. "I'm sorry for what they said. It wasn't fair of them, I know that. They just... they meant well, Wanda, they really did." I tucked my hands under my thighs, wincing as their words echoed in my mind. "It doesn't change anything though, y'know? We're still us. We're still okay. I don't want you to feel like anything's changed because it hasn't."

I paused, swallowing hard, and glanced her way. She didn't even look my way, still in the same position as she was before I started to speak. Looking back to the road ahead, I let out a disappointed sigh, figuring she wasn't in a talking mood. I didn't blame her, but I hoped she would have understood what I meant.

The remainder of the drive was like this, Wanda deep in thought and me huddled under an imaginary blanket of guilt. When we finally reached my house, she turned the engine off and I waited for her to say something, literally anything. Her fingers drummed against the steering wheel mindlessly and I figured she was out of words for tonight.

"I'll ring you in the morning," I mumbled quietly, opening the car door. "If you want to speak, that is."

Leaving her there, I grabbed my bag and headed to the front door, but stopped when I heard her get out the car, too. Waiting, I turned around and watched as she approached me, eyebrows knitted in thought.

"Please say something," I said with pleading eyes.

She licked her lips, biting her lower lip so hard I'm surprised she didn't draw blood. Finally, she released it and looked to me with apologetic eyes.

"Your parents were right," she said.

I blinked with confusion. "What?"

She nodded, looking down at her shoes momentarily. "They were right, what they said. My life puts you in danger."

"Yeah, I know," I agreed, crossing my arms. "I knew that when I got with you, but that doesn't change anything."

She gave a disbelieving smile. "Seriously? Y/N, that changes everything."

"No, it doesn't," I told her sternly, growing frustrated. "This is the stuff you sacrifice when you love someone."

She sighed, shaking her head and looking away. "You shouldn't have to."

"But I chose to," I said, clenching my jaw.

"Don't you remember what happened last time?" she asked, stepping forward and holding my hand. "The incident?"

"We said we wouldn't talk about that," I reminded her with a low voice.

"But you remember, right? When they took you and I wasn't there? They could've hurt you!"

"Shut up!" I told her, raising my voice. Pulling my hand away from hers and taking a step back, I continued, "Why are you saying that? You came! You helped me!"

"But what if they did something to you before I got there?" she snapped. "What if I hadn't got to you on time?"

The memories came spilling into my mind, escaping the locked box I kept them in. Tears burned the corner of my eyes as I tried to think about anything else.

"You remember how scared you were?" Wanda asked, frowning at me with exasperated eyes. "You couldn't be by yourself for weeks!"

"Why are you doing this?!" I yelled, clenching my fists. "Why are you trying to frighten me?!"

"Because you should be frightened!" she retorted, stepping closer to me. Her dark green eyes were swirling storms of rage as she added, "It could happen again!"

I shoved her away from me, pinching the bridge of my nose with annoyance. Tears slipped from my eyes at the terrifying memory of what happened, what could have gone wrong, but I ignored them as I swallowed down the lump in my throat. Why the hell was she acting like this? Making me so angry at her for no reason?

"It's not even just that," she continued, jaw tensed. "How many times do I get hurt because of work and you get worried?"

"That's because I care about you," I muttered through stinging eyes.

"This will always be my life," she said, a hint of regret in her words as she looked to me. "I can't change it."

"I'm not asking you to!"

"Exactly! You're not! Which means you'll suck it up and stay with me and will live your life in constant concern for my well-being. It's not right."

I opened my mouth to respond because what she was saying was entirely stupid. But my emotions got the better of me and no words came out. Instead, my bottom lip quivered as I sucked up a breath.

"I need time to think," she suddenly said, anger disappearing from her voice and being replaced with an astute calmness.

My gaze snapped her way and through blurry vision, I watched her step back with her hands on her hips.

"So you can what – think about breaking up with me?" I said bitterly, and despite my anger, I didn't expect her to look at me with a softened expression, meaning my words were correct.

"Maybe it's better that way, Y/N," she said gently, eyes meeting mine.

I squeezed my hands together and tried to breathe through the pent-up anger that she'd caused, but the longer she stared at me, waiting for a response, the more I wanted to explode.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" I muttered, scrunching my eyebrows together.

She pressed her lips together, looking away, and it only pissed me off more.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Wanda?!" I yelled. "You're quitting on our relationship because, what, you think I'm in danger? Well, news flash, honey, the worst already happened and I'm still here!"

She barely flinched as she avoided my eyes.

"You're a fucking coward!" I said, pointing at her. "If you needed an excuse to end things, you could have just said so!"

Breathing out, I wiped my tears away shakily. I expected her to argue back, to realise she'd made a mistake and regretted her words, but as I waited, I knew she was certain of her decision.

"Fine," I settled, brimming with rage. "Fuck off, Wanda."

Still, nothing.

Turning on my heel, I stormed to my front door and went through my keys with difficulty, hands shaking with anger. I heard Wanda's car door shut from behind me but didn't bother turning around. I clearly didn't need to as I heard the tyres screech against the road and knew she was gone.

Kicking my door with frustration, I found the key and opened up before heading inside and slamming the door behind me. How dare she break up with me because of something that I chose off my own back! She just gave up like we meant nothing to her, not even bothering to talk things out with me! And selfishly, she left me feeling pissed and resenting her more than I ever thought I would.

"What a bitch!" I shouted into the empty house, throwing my keys to the side harshly.

When they clinked against glass, I looked up and saw the vase of flowers Wanda had given me before dinner.

"The first and fucking last," I said dryly, before grabbing ahold of it and throwing it against the wall without thinking.

The glass shattered on impact, leaving a mess of water, flowers and small shards on the wooden floor. I looked at it, the brokenness resembling how my heart felt. As the adrenaline of my actions and previous angry words wore off, all that was left was hurt and pain and oh God, Wanda was gone. She'd left me. She'd given up.

I sank to the floor, pulling my legs up to my chest, and hugged them tightly. Stifling my cries, I dug myself into my knees and felt a pain in my heart. Why didn't she fight for us? Did she not love me enough? Was I not enough?

—

"You ignored the memes I sent you, I thought you died."

As Natasha pushed right past me and into my house, I blinked with disbelief.

"Sure, come right in," I mumbled sarcastically, closing the front door.

Following after Natasha, I found her making herself at home in the living room, plonking herself on the couch and pulling her feet up comfortably.

"You could have sent an emoji or something," she continued, giving me a knowing look. "They were some good memes."

"Well, forgive me if I wasn't in the mood," I said sourly, joining her on the couch.

Her playful smile faded as she picked up on my words. "How are you doing, sweetie?"

I ran a hand through my hair and leaned my elbow on the back of the couch, getting comfortable. It had been two weeks since Wanda broke up with me and in those two weeks, I hadn't been doing particularly well. I guess you could say I was still in a slump. A horrible, tiresome, angry, sadness-filled slump.

"I'm fine."

She pursed her lips, looking like she wanted to argue, but thankfully, she didn't. I was glad – the last thing I wanted was to prove that I was okay when, really, all I wanted to do was curl in a ball and suffocate under my duvet.

"I'm sorry," she said, resting her hand on mine. "If it's any consolation, I think Wanda made a huge mistake."

"Ah, so she told you," I said with a nod of realisation. I hadn't told Natasha the specifics of why we broke up, but clearly Wanda did. I guess it made sense – they were teammates. If anything, I was surprised Natasha still wanted to speak to me, instead expecting her to side with her friend.

"She did," Natasha answered. "And I think she's an idiot, but that's not my business. I just came here to make sure you were okay."

"Really? I thought you wanted to show me the memes," I said jokingly, trying to lighten the mood with a small smile.

She chuckled, slapping my hand gently. "That, too... but seriously."

My smile faded as I looked down, my finger playing with my trousers distractedly. "I'm not okay, but I'll get there." I began to glare at my trousers, my anger for the witch returning. "I have to be. Because she doesn't want me anymore... fuck her."

"I'd rather not," Natasha mumbled.

Though my anger was present, making me tense like it had been the last few weeks, I couldn't help but smile at Natasha's words. Then laughter bubbled from my lips and for the first time since Wanda left, I felt momentarily happy.

"I'm glad we can still be friends," Natasha said, making me look to her with a smile. "I know that you and Wanda are over now... but I still like hanging out with you."

"Me, too," I said in agreement. "Thanks for coming to check in. You didn't have to."

"Yeah, I did." She nodded before offering me a small, encouraging smile. "You're gonna be okay, y'know."

I wanted to believe her, but despite how pissed I was at Wanda, I still loved her. And I couldn't imagine stopping, though I knew I'd have to if I was to make it through this.

—

Getting over Wanda was a difficult process. Everything I felt was a mixture of resentment, exhaustion and misery because I missed her. I missed being able to call her when I saw somebody do something stupid in public; I missed kissing her when I hadn't seen her in a long time; I missed hearing her adorable accent first thing when I woke up after she spent the night; I missed her.

Two months followed the breakup and the only time I'd see her was when she'd dodge Anna's apartment upon knowing I was going to take care of her. I guess I was glad in that sense, as it meant I wouldn't have to deal with her awkwardly. But it also made me feel like shit because it meant she didn't care about me at all. Clearly our breakup wasn't affecting her like it did with me.

And it was definitely affecting me.

I was scrolling through Instagram one day when I saw a particular post on my feed from Natasha's account. Yeah, one of the Avengers had a private Instagram account. She gave me her username when she saw me on it one day and I remember being so confused to how she had it.

"I'm an Avenger, not a hermit," was her response, and from that day onwards, we followed each other.

So, I saw a post on her Instagram and it was some goofy photo of her, Tony, Bruce and Wanda. They were posing with exaggerated smiles as Natasha grinned up front; the caption said something about working long days, but I wasn't paying much attention as, naturally, my gaze fell to Wanda.

Just like everyone else, she had a playful, exaggerated smile on her lips like nothing kept her down, but what stood out was the sling around her arm and the cast underneath. It must have happened in a mission or something and it wasn't my business, but I couldn't help but worry. Was she okay? Was she looking after herself? I wanted to text Natasha and ask, but I stopped myself.

She'd broken up with me for this very reason. I wasn't agreeing with it, but for a second, I did see why she'd made her point. It still wasn't fair though. She didn't get to make that choice for me.

We weren't together anymore, I reminded myself. She broke up with me. It had been two months and I needed to let go. If she didn't care about me, why should I waste my time and energy caring about her?

Not letting it get to me anymore, I simply liked the post before continuing my scrolling. Though I knew that deep down, her face was imprinted in my mind and I still worried for her well-being.

—

The fourth month following our breakup was when I properly saw Wanda again, excluding the times she would duck out of Anna's apartment upon my arrival to care for her. It was also the first time since the breakup that Wanda made the effort to speak to me.

I was sat eating dinner on my day off when I got a call from the hospital nearby, interrupting my meal. The nurse was explaining how Anna had fallen over and hurt her back and was now in a hospital room. She was calling me because she thought I'd like to know since I was her registered nurse and carer. I was glad to get the call, immediately pulling my shoes and coat on and rushing over there to make sure she was okay. She didn't have anyone else apart from Wanda and I – it was no question I had to go.

Though, of course, I didn't really think about the fact that Wanda may be there until I saw her there. I also didn't consider the fact that I was wearing my pyjamas when I stepped in the lift and headed to Anna's floor. Too late now.

After asking the receptionist where Anna's room was, I found Wanda hanging around it outside the door. With only Anna on my mind, I approached her and tried to hide my panic. She spotted me instantly, stopping her pacing and looking to me with tired eyes and a frown on her face.

I didn't care that she looked worried, nor that she was holding up well since we last spoke in anger. I didn't care that she'd dyed her hair a reddish-brown colour, nor that she managed to pull off both that and the whole 'loungewear' look in a place surrounded by blinding white and blue. I didn't care that my heart ached when her green eyes found mine, nor that I missed seeing her so close and not in my dreams for once. I didn't care about any of it. Or, at least, I tried to tell myself that.

"What happened?" I cut straight to the point, stopping in front of her. "Is Anna okay?"

Wanda nodded instantly. "She's fine. She tripped over her dining room chair and hurt her back. The doctors just checked her out and said it's nothing too serious, but she won't be able to walk for a while."

I pressed my lips together, feeling the panic wear off at the sound of good news. Anna had always been more than just a patient to me and the last thing I wanted was to hear she'd hurt herself badly.

"Can I see her?" I asked Wanda, quirking a brow.

"Yeah, of course," Wanda said, before looking away awkwardly. "I was just waiting out here for you. The nurse said you were coming."

I chose to say nothing as I walked past her and into Anna's room, seeing the older woman laying on a hospital bed and staring at the ceiling. When she noticed my presence, she smiled at me and motioned for me to join her side.

"It's so good to see you, milaya (sweetie)," she said happily, as I stopped by her side, "but you didn't have to come! I'm not dying."

I heard Wanda enter the room behind me, but she took a seat on the chairs opposite the bed. Ignoring her, I smiled down at Anna and grabbed her hand.

"Don't say that," I told her gently. "Of course I'm here. You're my number one priority. I had to make sure you were okay!"

Anna waved her hand in typical Anna fashion. "I've suffered worse. I'm absolutely fine."

I knew it was best not to question her, so I didn't.

"I'm glad you're both here," she said, looking between Wanda and I, making me swallow awkwardly.

Since breaking up, I hadn't mentioned it to Anna, but she wasn't stupid and she'd clearly noticed that we weren't spending time together anymore. I didn't know if Wanda had told her, but if she had, Anna never mentioned anything. Like now, she simply looked between us both with a grateful smile, unaware of how awkward we felt.

Thankfully, the awkward silence was interrupted when a doctor walked in the room. After introducing herself, I asked if I could speak to her outside about Anna and she happily obliged. She told me about Anna's condition and how it would affect the way I cared for her, especially regarding her new medication, and I asked anything and everything to make sure she was truly okay. After being reassured that she was, I thanked the doctor and returned to Anna's room, only to find Wanda and Anna in a heated a argument.

I couldn't tell what had got them so fussy as they were bickering in Russian, sentences too fast for me to comprehend with my limited knowledge of the language. It got to a point where Anna began slapping Wanda on the arm, looking angrier than ever, so I stepped between them and pulled Wanda away.

"What the hell is going on here?" I interrupted, holding Anna's slapping hand down to the bed and raising a hand to keep Wanda at bay. I looked between them, seeing the frustration in both their expressions, and asked questioningly, "Well?"

Wanda said nothing, eyes avoiding mine as usual, so I looked down to Anna who was glancing between us before spouting off into another ramble in Russian, trying to grab Wanda so she could yell at her directly. To my annoyance, Wanda tried to push past me, yelling back, and I was unfortunately caught in the middle as I attempted to keep them from ripping each other's throats out.

Thankfully, their bickering came to a halt when an unknown voice called into the room: "What is going on in here?"

I looked to the door, following the mystery voice, and saw a young woman, maybe in her thirties, standing in the doorway and looking between the three of us with confusion. I had no idea who she was, though she seemed familiar. Judging from the confusion Wanda had, she didn't seem to know either.

"Sasha," Anna breathed out with surprise, and then I realised. That was Anna's granddaughter. "What are you doing here?"

[aerosiderwrites]

Hopeless ... Yandere Childe

@lazywriters-blog​ ooo this is a fun concept! i love unhinged childe 😌 i played down the escape to just an attempt, i hope thats ok 🙏

warnings for genre typical portrayals of unhealthy relationships, manipulation, and implied previous sexual assault

Word Count: 1.1k

Coming to Liyue Harbor might have been the worst thing that could have happened to you. You found yourself loathing every passing day, despite how much you fought and worked to get here. Or, maybe, because of that. You sat at your desk, staring at your paperwork, forcing yourself to focus on your tasks at hand. All you needed to do was fight and work more to get yourself out of the scenic coastal city the same way you came.

You could dare to hope for that, anyway. You had been doing everything you could to get away from Liyue, away from him. You weren’t sure what you’d do when you reached Snezhnaya, but it would be a start.

“And there’s my sweetheart.”

Your skin crawled as his deceptively honey sweet voice pierced through your focus. You tentatively looked up at your menace, your nightmare, your Tartaglia. You glanced up at him, taking in his tall and slender form leaning casually against the doorjamb to your office, blocking the only exit available to you. His smile was tight lipped, and your stomach sunk at the sight of him. You looked down back to your work, as if not seeing the way his cold eyes stared into you would make the anxiety he brought with him go away.

“Is there—“ you stopped yourself, mentally beating yourself for how wispy your voice sounded. You cleared your throat and started again, “Is there something I can help you with?”

You knew you couldn’t actually be paying attention to your work, but you desperately wanted him to take the hint that you’re too busy to be bothered. With the way you shook like a leaf when he surprised you, there was no way you could actually sell this narrative, but you tried so earnestly every time.

“Yes, actually,” the response came, and the sound of the door closing followed. Your heart reached your throat as you sat entirely at attention, your line of sight shooting up to watch Childe approach your desk.

“Wait, please, I really don’t have time to do anything, I have a lot on my plate right now with—“ a single look silenced you in your tracks. Your eyes returned to your desk, and you held your hands in fists on your lap.

“You act like I’ve been anything less than a perfect gentleman,” he teased, leaning on your desk in front of you, carelessly shoving aside files you had stacked neatly. “I’ve always been sure to take care of your needs.” He chuckled upon seeing you shift uncomfortably in frustrated embarrassment. “Besides, I have something important I want to discuss.”

You looked up at him, searching for anything on his features that could give away what it was he wanted to talk about. His posture was lax and his smile was the same faux grin he kept on when he wanted to tease you. You hadn’t done anything that he could have known about, but you remained at your miserable edge, hanging on his every mannerism.

“Which is…?” You asked with a slow breath, bracing yourself the best you could for the worst he’d have to offer.

“I wanted to take a moment and talk about us.”

You couldn’t stand how his eyes burned into yours, and you looked away, “Alright.”

“I love you,” Your stomach churned at his words, disgusted with how fondly he spoke of you. “I know you took some… convincing to understand the depth of my feelings, but I still find myself wondering where I stand with you.”

You recalled his “courtship”, and how he wore you down into accepting him as your lover. You felt sick with every touch, horrified with how he threatened the people around you, scaring them into cold avoidance, and hopelessness with every reminder that he maintains his final say over your life.

You wanted to be honest, to tell him the lengths you would go to if it meant he’d never bother you again. But honesty would lead to a lengthy reinforcement of Childe’s power over you. “I love you, too” came your feeble response, unfortunately unconvincing even to yourself.

“I’m happy to hear that!” Childe’s voice rang hollow, a mockery of your weak lie. “Good thing, since I declined the request for your transferal on your behalf.”

Your blood ran cold, your eyes emptily staring at your hands, now lax with your palms facing upward. You couldn’t bring yourself to be angry at him, anger would imply a form of disappointment or disbelief at his acts. You knew if he found out about your request for transferal he’d do what he needed to to stop it in its tracks. You swallowed, afraid for what was to come next.

“Now, I want you to be honest with me, [Y/N].” You watched as Childe’s hands grabbed your wrists, in a sharp motion. His large hands dwarfed yours, a further cruel reminder of your weakness to him. “Tell me if this transferal was offer to you, or if you applied for it.”

You felt so small under his gaze, and under his demand for your honesty, you didn’t know what else to do. You inhaled, “I… applied for it.”

He sighed, “I thought that might be the case. Props for trying to lose me through channels that could get me into trouble if I went too far. It wasn’t a bad plan, but not one you can try again. I’m lucky your receptionist is do honest with your secrets.”

You didn’t know whether to resent the girl who ran your front desk, or pity her. Did she naively tell her superior’s lover about the request you had her mail out weeks ago? Or was she threatened by a Harbinger with an obsession? “When did-- How did you--”

“I’m a bit insulted that you thought I wouldn’t catch wind of this. Did you think you could keep it quiet and I’d let you go quietly?” Childe took your chin in his gloved hand, his grip a casual display of his strength. Your eyes met his, and you felt everything in your body scream for you to run, or shake him off, or anything. But you were frozen, eyes carrying tears that didn’t dare slip out, caught up in his abyss of thinly veiled restraint.

“I-I’m— I’m so—“ your fearful apology was cut short by Childe’s iron grip tightening and making you wince. Childe sneered at your fear, and gripped your arm with his free hand. Your heart jumped in your throat, and the tears you struggled to hold back spilled onto your cheeks.

“No you aren’t,” his voice hit your senses like a bucket of ice water, “But you will be.”

[everything-laito]

damn the brain be out here going BRRRRRR here’s the Laito and Cordelia Analysis (with a little bit of Karl sprinkled in) Part III

wow my fingers are freezing but my brain sure isn't! 

aaaanyways, iiiiiit’s trauma time!!! Am I a productive member of society by writing these analyses? No. Do I gain anything by writing them? Kinda, my brain gets exercised and they’re fun to research for. But if you haven’t read the first part or the second part for some reason (I recommend reading them in order), there they are. 

Once again, trigger warnings still apply; mainly about trauma, isolation, etc 

I’m gonna talk about the trauma and effects it had on Laito and to attempt to extrapolate why he is the way he is. I have a lot of examples I want to go over and stuff to talk about, so I think the trauma part is going to be split between two (or maybe three) parts. I also have a little bit to say about Karlheinz.

As always, big ass rant under the cut! 

Section 6: Neuroplasticity and Trauma

Oh???? More science vernacular??? You BET! Ok, neuroplasticity. I know I’ve talked about it on this blog. But, I seriously doubt that there is a madlad who has read all of my analyses (speaking of which, I should update the master list lmao) and I don’t expect anyone to do that LOL! Anyways, this neurological concept is the ability of neurons to adapt to certain circumstances or stimuli by creating new neurological pathways (through synapses). This basically relates to memory and learning. It’s why we don’t stay the same person as we grow and develop. It’s responsible from mindset changes to response to traumatic events. It plays a huge part in trauma, which is why “repressed memories” occur as well. 

Trauma, taken from Psychology Today, is defined as: 

...the experience of severe psychological distress following any terrible or life-threatening event. Sufferers may develop emotional disturbances such as extreme anxiety, anger, sadness, survivor’s guilt, or PTSD.

It’s a basic definition. And although I’d assume people would know what trauma is already, but knowing the lexical definition of something can be good to know before going into it. 

Obviously, Laito has trauma, there’s literally no refuting that. But, the point I’m getting at, is the reason why he is the way he is today is because of neuroplasticity. As previously stated, we are going to assume the DL vampire brain works similarly or the same as a human brain. So, because of the stress put upon the brain (Cordelia’s actions and Laito’s general upbringing in a stress filled household), Laito’s brain was rewired (neuroplasticity). This section doesn’t really have much new information, but I wanted to give a baseline since there’s many people who don’t know what neuroplasticity is.

Laito’s definitely different than what he was as a kid. He still kind of had his smarts, and might have been  but as we’ve deducted from the first part of this series, he might have been groomed. On top of that, the brain is easily moldable when you’re a child (which is why grooming makes sense for Laito’s case), and continues to snip brain cells off and form new connections. 

Section 7: Little intermission about Karlheinz 

I know I haven’t really talked about Karlheinz yet. So this will be the section that I do it in. I know this part is about Laito’s trauma, but it’s so hard to not just weave other characters into it. Nothing is stand-alone, which is why it was so hard for me to plan this out. I was debating about saving this for another analysis, but I feel like it fits. 

I referenced this in Part II, Section 5 of this analysis series. Basically, Karlheinz throws Laito into the dungeon and locks him up. Not Karlheinz personally, but he ordered someone to do it. We don’t explicitly know why, but there’s several implications. A huge one is that it was part of Karlheinz’ experiment. Before Dark Fate, I was like “wait, so did Karl find out about Laito/Cordelia? And got like jealous or was like ‘nah this shit fucked up no thanks’?” I was really scratching my head on that. But in Dark Fate, you find that Karlheinz knew about Cordelia and Laito, and even really wanted it to happen. Which is all sorts of fucked up. This really put Laito in for a loop. Here’s a scene from Dark Fate: 

Laito: That woman always, always believed in Karlheinz. Laito: She believed he married her because he loved her, wanted her. That’s why she was sure that one day... he will give his love only to her.  Laito: But she was tricked. She wasn’t loved from the start... Laito: -And I’m a victim of this unbelievable mistake... That’s how it is. Laito: I was treated as a vent for her feelings. Yui: ...Laito-kun... Laito: I’m sure he knew that something like this will happen... He is a god after all... Laito: I was hoping that... He just overlooked it up until now... Laito: But... I was naive.  Laito: I was only planned a scapegoat. 

God, when I played this, that just freaking struck me to my core. That’s so awful. Ironically... Karlheinz probably has some high level of emotional intelligence. I don’t believe he could be labeled as a sociopath, considering he has this high level understanding of pathos. He’s not god in a sense that he controls everyone individually himself. He’s so good at manipulation that he basically creates fate itself (whether you believe in it or not). He’s generally intelligent and cunning, and it also just helps with the fact that he’s immortal and can time travel. He knows cause and effect by now, and I believe Lost Eden said something about how he’s done so many different “timelines.” 

The definition of a god in a philosophical sense can be broken down into three words: omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. More wicked cool jargon! Yay! Here’s what they mean for extra clarification:

Omniscient: All knowing Omnipresent: All seeing Omnipotent: All doing

Sure Karlheinz doesn’t absolutely know everything, nor can see everything, and he definitely has limits to his power, but he has gained knowledge through living for so many years and time traveling; he has familiars which add to the whole “all seeing” part; and he has a lot of power. So basically, in the most semi-”realistic” sense, it would definitely be the closest being to any kind of god.

Karlheinz is probably the reason why Laito himself has such contempt towards religion, and the existence of a god in general. Sure, the boys are like “that shit’s made up by humans” in general, but it would make sense for Laito himself to have that specific hatred. It makes sense that these vampires would be like “oh that’s made up by humans” when they’ve been around forever and have seen multiple religions come and go. (I’m mainly talking about in DL’s lore case, not starting a religious argument; please don’t take it as such––just to clarify)

Section 8: Isolation

Originally, the previous part was going to be about Laito’s isolation being locked up. However, I went off the rails and it turned into that little intermission. This is going to be a shorter section, but I still wanted to talk about, and it will weave into the next section. 

There is no implications about how long Laito was locked up (and tortured) in the dungeon. There’s also no implications about why he was tortured. But torture and isolation puts such stress on the brain that there’s definitely going to be some kind of outcome if persisting for a good period of time. So let’s take a look at what that does to a person. 

Once again, taking this with a grain of salt. I imagine vampires don’t need to rely on social interaction as much as humans do, considering they live forever. But we don’t know. However, throwing Laito into a state of isolation implies that it would be some type of torture or harsh punishment for a vampire, which therefore implies that social interaction is a necessity for emotional function. It’s just sound, inductive logic. 

So now, as for isolation, I’m using this article as reference. It’s a pretty interesting one to read. Here’s another extensive article as well. Basically isolation can cause:

Depression/anxiety

Immune system deficiencies (basically more likely to get physically ill)

Sleep cycle changes (if put underground or with limited natural light)

Hallucinations

Paranoia

Issues with processing information and more susceptible to persuasion/manipulation

We have no clue if Laito’s experience fits all of these. Also, the second one can be crossed out because vampires in DL can’t get physically sick in the way we can. Also, unsure about the sleep cycle stuff considering they are used to being in the dark. Hallucinations and paranoia can’t be crossed off nor proven. 

Being isolated physically and mentally exhausts the mind, which is why it’s also a way of torture. Laito implies that he was tortured with physical devices, but regardless, it’s still stress on the mind. This type of stress definitely goes along with what was mentioned with neuroplasticity and trauma, which also supports the last bullet point: issues processing information and being more susceptible to persuasion/manipulation. Take this flashback from Maniac Prologue in HDB that I used in Part II section 5 (but here’s even more context):

Laito: ーー Let me go!! Let me out of here! Butler: I can’t, young lord. We’ve received strict orders from your father. I am deeply sorry, but please stay put for a while. Laito: What’s the point in having me chained up in here!? Butler: ーーI am very sorry. Laito: Hahahaha…You stupid old man! Do you think that this will make repent!? How foolish! That demon! Has his brain finally rotten from spending too much time with humans!? ー Cordelia appears Cordelia: ー Oh? Laito: …!? Have you come to save me? Cordelia: Oh dear. Ufufu…I’m sorry Laito, that isn’t it. Laito: Eh? Richter: ー Why are you here? Laito: …That’s my line. Cordelia: Okay, okay. No fighting! More importantly, Richter…Come here. Laito: …!? Cordelia: Nnn…Hey, Laito. You are a good boy. Laito: …!! Cordelia: Right, Laito? Laito: Yeah, that’s right. I’m…I’m a good boy after all.  ーー Besides, I’m the type of person who only get more aroused from this kind of thing.

Although I also use this to support the whole Stockholm syndrome point, this could also be supported with the trauma isolation also holds. His mind is being re-molded into the facade he holds. Also, note the whole “do you think this will make me repent?!” part. Just a very interesting thing. The word “repent” implies that there’s something to feel guilty about or the person knows that what they’ve done is bad. It just goes to show that Laito has some part of guilt or moral compass still in tact. 

You can also argue that this scene was when Laito just got locked up, or he’s been here for a while. Either way, he could have also been socially isolated before this too, just hanging around Cordelia like it’s implied when he was a child. Remember the whole not being in bed 9/10 times when he was a child? Yeah, controlled social isolation. We also rarely see Laito with other characters in his flashbacks. I don’t believe we see him with his brothers in any of his flashbacks from what I can recall; he’s usually with Cordelia. Just implies (to me) that he’s around her a lot. And being locked up is also a more extreme case of that, which would mold the brain even more. 

I know that was a LOT to process and read. I sure hope this still is cohesive for you all. I’m pretty bad at organizing this kind of stuff; it’s a bit difficult since it all just goes together. Which, kudos on the writers of DL, because that’s just good writing. I was going to put something about gaslighting in this part, but that might be too long, so I’m going to make that a separate part or include it in the next part. 

If you have any questions, feel free to just put it in the inbox. I’m planning on making the last part of this series answering all the Laito/Cordelia questions I’ve received, or just general questions pertaining to this analysis in general, whether it be tangential questions or clarifying questions. 

Hope you all are still enjoying this ride as much as I am!  -Corn

[fellowstrangetownappreciator]

Playing Favorites (part 1)

...here we are not! Or are we?

Anyways, I’m on a ranting streak and I would like to present you with a verbose post about my favorite TS2 premades and why I love them.

It’s gonna be TOP 3! Or... more like TOP 5! No no no, still too few. TOP 10, maybe?

TOP 15 TS2 Premades (according to my personal tastes on 22. 04. 2021) (not in any particular order)

Erin Beaker (Strangetown)

Erin, the ray of sunshine in the Beaker clan. I headcanon her as a very smart but naive young woman who has just returned to Strangetown after graduating with a psychology degree from the La Fiesta Tech. In a fanfic I’m writing she joined Law Enforcement to put her “psychic powers” to use for “catching bad guys and protecting people” but she quickly becomes disenchanted with the actual police-work and starts her own little “adventure” to uncover the truth behind Strangetown’s most infamous mysterious deaths. In my current gameplay she’s in the Paranormal career.

The slow realization that all of her colleagues are scam artists and she might not have any powers either, almost destroyed her. But she didn’t give up. Yes, she may not have “powers” yet but that doesn’t mean she is not going to obtain them. And oh boy, she is. She builds ties with other residents, building her influence, collects skills and rare magical objects and travels a lot to understand and obtain mythical knowledge.

It’s not like she’s building a cult! It’s not how it looks, I swear! She’s way too nice to be a cult leader!

...she’s totally building a cult, although she doesn’t realize it yet.

I love Erin because she is a very flexible Sim. I find it very engaging to play a Sim that has such a different set of beliefs to mine. (Erin would be an anti-vaxxer and a user of essential oils and healing crystals, let’s accept the painful truth.) She also has a very interesting implied dynamics with her brother and with the rest of the Singles squad. She starts with a moderately low relationship with Chloe and it’s always interesting to see where it leads.

In conclusion: High intelligence, low wisdom queen.

Ripp Grunt (Strangetown)

There is something extremely relatable about Ripp. For me it’s the mystery of them growing up badly both toddler-to-child and child-to-teen, despite having been taught all toddler skills and their parents being still together and their mother still being alive. I read that as them struggling with depression since early childhood.

Maybe their parents’ relationship was already in a terrible shape when they were a small child and that’s the reason for their suffering? But Tank and Buck both grew up well under the same conditions which would indicate that there were more issues young Ripp was facing.

As you probably noticed, I headcanon Ripp as being too cool for the gender binary, using both he/him and they/them pronouns.

Anyway, there are many reasons to like Ripp. They stand up against their family’s xenophobia, violent nature and militarism. Having highest relationship with Buck out of the whole family, it is implied they’re a caring older sibling. Also, they’re framed as the underdog in the household, the trademark black sheep of the bunch who is never good enough, and are being actively mistreated by their emotionally distant macho father and physically abusive older brother.

Because of their amount of nice points and their rebellious nature (social conventions what?), I always play Ripp as polyamorous. They’re a Romance Sim, therefore they simply won’t be satisfied with just one partner in the long run but a wholesome consensual non-monogamy simply suits them better than the cheating bonanza Romance Sims often initiate, at least in my interpretation of the character. Let me just enjoy that and not think too much about the fact that since they grew up poorly two times, their life is probably going to be a relatively short one.

In conclusion: Have I mentioned that Romance is my second favorite aspiration?

Vidcund Curious (Strangetown)

Yes, him.

Vidcund is a very unpredictable Sim. He tends to cause a lot of trouble (3 nice points...) and generally sails through life being a jerk. But... A scientist? Unpopular? Cranky? Eccentric? That’s my kind of jerk.

You see, Vidcund’s not your average plant-loving conspirator, he has another side. He has a hidden Family token which makes him act a bit more Family Sim-ish. As a result of that, Vidcund tends to be a very attentive and protective father/uncle.

In my current gameplay, I gave him Family as a secondary aspiration to even strengthen this trait of his. It had mostly positive results but it did make him seem and act even more lonely.

I find Vidcund relatable even though I’m almost his exact opposite personality-wise. Maybe it is because I project my own autistic traits onto him? Maybe it is because he stands out like a sore thumb everywhere he goes (both fashion-wise and in behavior) and no matter what he does he always comes off a bit silly and somehow vulnerable?

I also love how if Strangetown is your main hood, if a Sim uses a telescope during the day anywhere in the game world, Vidcund makes the effort to travel there just to lecture them. It’s like a “Summon Vidcund” spell!

In conclusion: Playing Vidcund Curious is good for my soul.

Jill Smith (Strangetown)

In the shadow of her very popular brother, there is a little girl that will surely conquer the world someday.

Don’t worry, I love Johnny as much as the next person but my favorite member of the household is his little sister, Jill.

She has a vision. A very ironic one, given that she dreams about working with the sea creatures one day while living in the farthest possible place from the ocean but... if it’s ironic, it’s iconic.

Although she does have a token (Popularity) which makes her a bit more unique, there isn’t that much to the actual canonical portrayal, given that she is a small kid when you first play the Smiths and she has little going on for her aside of what is described in her bio. I mean, almost all kids act like they had a Popularity token anyway, the Grow Up aspiration is full of friend-making and socialization in general. But!

What she lacks in the Maxis character-building department, she makes up for in the sheer potential of what you could do with the character.

A human-passing half-alien hybrid who is, moreover, a member of the (in)famous scientist clan (...that what the Curious’ deserve to be)! She has the perfect balance of interesting and peaceful to be that Sim you can do anything with.

In my personal gameplay, she grew up to a teen and I chose Knowledge as her aspiration. She is friends with several stray animals, including the pack leader, so maybe there is a werewolf transformation in her future. She also rolled gay. She’s my laid-back lesbian disaster that knows more about the animal kingdom than pretty much anybody else in Strangetown, takes splendid care of her fish, hopelessly crushes on Lucy Burb and I love her to bits.

In conclusion: She deserves all the love and a career in Oceanography when she’s grown up.

Also, this post is getting massive even for my standards so I’ll cut it here and do the list in several parts.

[dylanhawth]

[ LORENZO ZURZOLO, CISMAN, HE/HIM ] shh ! DYLAN HAWTHORNE, the TWENTY year old SECOND year ANTHROPOLOGY major from HARTFORD, CT is known as a TOURMALINE  around here. HE was invited to join because HE PUBLISHED A COLLECTION OF SHORT STORIES ANONYMOUSLY THAT GARNERED A BIT OF FOLLOWING AND RECENTLY STEPPED FORWARD AS THE AUTHOR, and now, they’re here to stay. HE reminds me of THE NERVOUSNESS OF A FIRST KISS, LEAVING SECRET MESSAGES IN LIBRARY BOOKS, DRIVING AIMLESSLY WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN ON A WARM SUMMER NIGHT WHILE THE RADIO HUMS A PLAYLIST CURATED FOR YOU BY YOUR BEST FRIEND.

[ big ass bio ] | [ connections ] | [ pinterest ] | [ playlist ] 

ooc. 

omfg hello. i can’t tell you how excited and happy i am to be here. i was too nervous to apply for the last three months but i decided to stop being a Coward and just try. im SO happy to be here, it’s the highlight of my week tbh lmao. anyway i am mar, she/her, 24, est. i live in nyc and all i do is visit the planetarium and cry. i’m so fucking bad at these so im just gonna LIST things and hope you get the vibe. i am a pisces sun, scorpio moon. i prob have a napoleon complex a little bit lmao. my favorite social media site is goodreads and i get rlly sad when my friends rate books i love poorly dfljskdfs. i can touch my tongue to my nose. i eat a lot of persimmons. i have a favorite rock at my local park that i visit a lot. idk dfskjls. i’m v friendly tho so pls hmu. i send a lot of memes, and love making meme edits for the chars so im rlly sorry in advance if you guys hate that. 

01.      basics.

NAME.   dylan h. hawthorne. ALIASES. dyl, hawth.   AGE.  twenty. HOMETOWN. hartford, ct. GENDER.  cismale. PRONOUNS.   he/him.

 02.      appearance.

EYES.   green. HAIR.   brown. HEIGHT.   6”0 BUILD.   lean. BIRTHMARKS   /   BURNS   /   SCARS.   a birthmark the shape of australia on his left thigh. TATTOOS.   n/a. PIERCINGS.   n/a.

03.      habits.

ALCOHOL   ?  socially. SMOKING   ?  socially. HABITS.  fidgets in chairs. cracks knuckles and back often. nervous laughter. chewing on pencils. talking to his plants. dogearing books. staring off into space and applying chapstick for a prolonged period of time. getting overly competitive about boardgames. stress cleaning. carries a book in his bag always. night owl. incredibly impatient when the internet is slow. creature of habit when it comes to menus, orders the same shit over and over again. LIKES.   feeding the ducks at the local pond. the smell of the earth after a rainstorm. the way music sounds coming from another room. kissing. watering his plants. inside jokes. making wishes in fountains. discussing a recently finished book with someone. making handmade cards for friends on their birthday. fireworks. coming of age films. packages wrapped in twine. jogs. the way friday nights feels when you’re with someone you love. the feeling you get leaving the movie theatre. DISLIKES.   being late. having too many coins on him. coffee with no sugar. when people speak loudly in the library. doing laundry. handshakes with too much squeeze. receiving voicemails. untidiness. golf. charles dickens. lectures with no student input. hot weather. confrontation. being caught in a lie. losing his umbrella. people who cheat during games. rainboots. bad table manners. humidity.

04.      personality.

MYERS-BRIGGS.   infp. ENNEAGRAM. the helper. ZODIAC.   pisces. TEMPERAMENT.   melancholic. ALIGNMENT.   neutral good. ARCHETYPE.   the lover. POSITIVE.   empathetic. sensitive. intelligent. charismatic. easygoing. gentle. loyal. passionate. romantic. humble. supportive. gregarious. playful. diligent. NEGATIVE.   deceitful. gullible. finicky. naive. obsessive. perfectionistic. secretive. timid. possessive. weak-willed. indecisive. cynical. indulgent. summary: basically, dylan is a love starved, people pleasing nervous wreck. big ass nerd who wants to be everyones friend, wants to be liked SO BAD. very charming and charismatic, comes off as fairly confident and comfortable at first. is able to make everyone feel loved and like they’re the most important person in the world, however lacks a backbone. is both romeo and juliet, and just as dumb as both of them too. 

05.      hc’s.

dylan was a football player in high school, believe it or not. he was rather good at it too, which is sort of jarring considering his pacifistic nature. however, he DID land on someone incorrectly at some point during his senior year, and broke their wrist. he quickly abandoned the sport altogether because of how guilty he felt. 

touched on this briefly but dylan really… loves indiana jones lmao. like, it’s quite ironic given his absolutely inability to be a badass, and lack of suaveness. however, he admires indy’s lust for adventure. he also was obsessed with the mummy as a kid. both of these were incredible sources in his very irrational decision to sudden anthropology. however, he does really love and admire anthropology. his favorite ethnography is the spirit catches you and you fall down, which makes him cry like a little bitch every time he even thinks about it. 

he’s the second oldest, but he is also baby. he is SUCH a big momma’s boy. he misses his mom so much. he writes to her often, and of course calls her even more. despite being six-foot tall, he still goes home and rests his head on his mother's lap, falls asleep as she runs her fingers through his hair. he often tries to find native english plants and flowers to press, and mail back to his mother in the form of bookmarks. has nEVER STEPPED ON A CRACK IN HIS LIFE, BABY.

just leaves a shit ton of notes in books in the library. some are riddles, some are poetry, some are commentary on the book, some are doodles. just depends on how he’s feeling for that book. he doesn’t tell anyone he does it, but he’s waiting for someone to connect the dots with his handwriting and writing style. 

speaking of plants, his room is basically a big greenhouse. he has so many plants, and takes serious care of them all. he has a little humidifier in his space for them, marks down when he waters what plants, and has a label maker to label them all with a name. they are all named after shakespeare characters. 

dyl is a doodler, so much so that he contributes to the school paper as a cartoonist. his cartoons are usually just random thoughts he has, but sometimes they get political and he works marxism into them. (this man loves marx.) 

[ suicide implied tw, death mention tw ] he dresses like a victorian boy in love with his roommate who has recently died of scarlet fever and in his mourning, plans to disappear in the bog by the school by mysterious circumstances and become a ghost that haunts the college with his lover. like lots of gray and slacks and ties ands ties and sweaters, lol. also he has glasses that he never wears because he can never find them! catch him squinting in your classroom because he can’t see SHIT. too shy to ask you for your notes though, doesn’t wanna inconvenience you! but when he’s Out on the Town®, he fucking wears like, tacky patterned shirts that are expensive but ugly. someone please help him. 

all about fun socks! he loves owning socks that have dumb little images on them. if you get him a pair of fun socks, he’d absolutely go nuts. his entire week: made. 

he leaves his roommate limericks when he senses they are sad. tapes em to the bathroom mirror or leaves them in the fridge. also loves buying people presents. tiny ones. like haunted looking things from second hand stores, or your favorite chocolate. also is the sort of friend that has EVERYTHING in his bag, in case someone cuts themselves or has a headache. can be a bit of a mom himself. it’s the little things, y’know? 

prob still in his emo phase. listens to way too mcr to not be lmao.

eco-friendly king, will not stand for you not recycling. 

if you will allow him, he will attempt to have a secret handshake with you. he’s a child. is dying for someone to memorize the parent trap handshake and indulge him. 

cannot sit still in a chair. fidgets an excessive amount, the bobbing of his knee and the squirming around. it just never ends. 

bi. that’s the hc.

he’s a little bit in love with everyone he meets if you couldn’t tell, and it’s fucking disastrous. 

he is based loosely off: patroclus ( the song of achilles ), ponyboy curtis ( the outsiders ), laurie laurence ( little women ), eduardo saverin ( the social network ), remus lupin ( hp ), oliver marks ( if we were villains. ) 

( @opalsmedia​ )

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 5x03 Sleeping Giants

Continuing my joint rewatch of season 5 with @jeanie205. After two great episodes where we caught up with our main characters and saw (or did not see, in the case of Spacekru) their experiences during the 6-year time jump, Sleeping Giants is another excellent episode, this time fully about the present day action with the Eligius prisoners moving into Eden, their conflict with and capture and torture of Clarke, and most of all about the Spacekru trying to find a way to deal with the Eligius crew, get to the ground and save their people.

It’s also a great Bellamy episode, just as 5x01 was a great Clarke-centric episode and 5x02 a great Octavia episode. Raven also gets still getting pretty good character moments here (and has maybe more lines than in any other episode, but to be fair, most of it is exposition).

What particularly struck me - especially after quite a few slower episodes in season 7 - is just how fast, intense and full of both action and loads of new information (about Eligius 4 and Diyoza, but also a lot of setup for season 6, and even for the possible prequel). There are also lots and lots of parallels and contrasts to season 1, and callbacks to previous seasons in general; morality debates, fights, and one very epic (and romantic-looking) reunion of the show’s two main characters in the closing scene.

Timeline:  2 days have passed since the present day events of 5x01 - it is 2201 days since Praimfaya.

This episode is full of action and new information - if you don’t pay attention to every second, you may miss some of it:

First mention of Eligius 3: their mission may have been top secret. but the crew of Eligius 4 obviously knew that the corporation was sending Nightbloods and that one of the planet was a binary star system (Shaw males a comment "Two suns, no sunscreen”).

Eligius 4 was a mining ship; one of its engines got busted in the rebellion of the prisoners, which is why the ship needed a hundred years to get back to Earth (as opposed to Eligius 3 - which we later see took just a few years to reach Sanctum from Earth)

Possible prequel info: Raven mentions great-great grandpappy Blake who was an astronaut with multiple PhDs (but it’s unclear if he was an ancestor of both Bellamy and Octavia, in which case he has to be Aurora’s ancestor).

We start getting some of Diyoza backstory here (there’s more in the following episodes), when she mentions to Clarke that she fought when the “fascist government” tried to take her home. (This could’ve been seen as just Diyoza’s bias, but now that we have an idea - from 7x08 - what USA - under a President Wallace - was like just before the apocalypse, her description seems fitting. Callie also considered the government fascist.)

Instead of more exposition, the show follows the Show, Don’t Tell rule and gives the backstory about the rebellion in a more exciting way, by having Spacekru find and watch a video message that the late captain of the ship filmed  and was about to send when he was killed. But the show also still intentionally withholds some info: the captain mentions that the prisoners have learned about Order 11 but we don't find out what that was until a few episodes later - that it was an order to kill all the prisoners. This would change our perception of Diyoza and the entire situation to quite an extent, but so far, all you get from this is that the prisoners, and Diyoza in particular, are very dangerous. The captain was about to send the message that Eligius be blown out of the sky, saying that “Diyoza can't be allowed to weaponize the cargo", which first hints at her terrifying reputation. But considering he was just going to do that, I’m not sure you can’t blame Diyoza for letting McCreary kill him. (Even though Shaw just does that, reminding Diyoza that she promised she wouldn’t kill any of the crew - to which she laconically replies she didn’t promise the others wouldn’t.)

There is, however, already some moral ambiguity there because Spacekru learn that prisoners were seen as “expendable” by the people in power - and Murphy says this sounds familiar, pointing out a parallel between the Eligius prisoners and the Delinquents. In general, season 5 plays a lot with the (imperfect) parallels (and contrasts) between season 5 and season 1. Some of the not-so-subtle callbacks include Diyoza saying “We’re not alone” in 5x01, Clarke making notes and drawings of the weaponry that the newcomers have, which is kind of a "parallel" to how Lincoln made notes in his notebook (except Lincoln was mostly making notes of how many people were there, not their weapons - since they didn’t have any), Clarke being captured and refusing to give any info by staying silent, and Clarke getting tortured, like Lincoln was. And just like Octavia argued that Lincoln didn’t speak English, but Bellamy was sure he did, now Shaw tries to argue that Clarke can’t speak English but Diyoza is smart enough to know she does. (It was really obvious in both cases - someone who doesn't speak your language but wants to communicate would say something in another language and make gestures, a mute person would make gestures, but when someone is looking at you silently and with a stone face, they obviously don't WANT to talk. Octavia seems to have actually believed that Lincoln didn’t speak English, since she was later surprised that he did - but she was still naive at the time. I find it hard to believe Shaw really believed that - he was probably just trying to dissuade Diyoza from letting McCreary torture someone.)

But here’s the thing: a parallel doesn’t have to mean two things are really the same - sometimes, as in this case, it’s more like “this is kind of reminiscent of that other thing, but when you compare them, you see that they’re drastically different”, which is pretty obvious, as in one case, we had a hundred kids with no weapons (aside from one gun and one knife), just going around without a plan and trying to have a good time in a rather small area, vs thousands of organized people with at least hundreds of armed warriors in a much wider territory. In this case, we have a bunch of heavily armed (and that’s an understatement, they really have all sorts of incredibly powerful weapons) adult murderers who came in with the express plan to take over the Valley - which was the only habitable area on Earth, vs a sole woman and a child. In other words, the Eligius prisoners are exactly what the Grounders claimed in season 1 that the 100 were, but what the 100 most definitely were not - a real and massive threat.  But on the other hand, there is a reason why this parallel exists - and that’s to point out that the prisoners, no matter how scary they are, no matter how good the reasons to be afraid of them, no matter how bad they may be... are still people who were sent as forced labor, deemed expendable, and now are trying to get back home, to Earth. What else could they do - float forever in space, in cryo? 

Another callback in this episode was to season 3 - and it’s a particularly important one for Bellamy’s character arc: the dilemma of what to do with the 283 Eligius prisoners in cryo. Murphy is the voice of ruthless pragmatism and suggests that they simply pull the plug and kill them all, before Diyoza could wake them up from the ground and use them as her army. Echo, though she says she understands why this is hard for Bellamy, backs up Murphy’s suggestion, but Bellamy refuses. You can see how awful even the idea is to him, reminding him of one of the things he has been regretting and feeling guilty for years - helping Pike kill Lexa’s army while they were sleeping. There are differences in circumstance, but it is basically the same thing, kill people in their sleep pre-emptively, before they could be potentially used against you, because if they are, they would be a huge threat to your people. (Well, it is the same thing for the purposes of the show - if we believe that experienced Trikru warriors could all sleep at the same time and not wake up and start fighting - which the show really wants us to believe, though it never made any sense. The Eligius prisoners, however, are really helpless here because they are cryo frozen, so this would really be the massacre that season 3 pretended Hakeldama was.) Murphy brings up Clarke, in what is one of the weirder lines in this episode - “If Clarke was here, this wouldn’t even...” I’m not sure what exactly he was trying to say - did he mean to imply Clarke would be in favor of killing them all (which doesn’t make much sense - it’s not like Clarke was the one more in favor of violent solutions than the peaceful and diplomatic ones compared to Bellamy, in fact, it was typically the opposite in seasons 1-4, especially whenever Murphy was around to witness their actions and decisions, On the other hand, the show went on to give Murphy some weird opinions about Clarke in season 6. Or did he mean that Bellamy himself would opt for drastic measures to protect Clarke? 

It’s unclear, and it feels like this line just exists to set up Bellamy’s response and show how much the loss and memory of Clarke is still weighing heavy on Bellamy and motivating him. Bellamy has been trying to be better and redeem himself for mistakes of his past that he made when he was more inclined to react violently against enemies - and, since Praimfaya, he has been trying to honor Clarke’s memory, and be the kind of leader she wanted him to be, and the kind of leader she was. "Clarke didn't die for us to go back and make the same mistakes".  

Ironically, Clarke has in the meantime become a lot more like season 1a Bellamy: her focus has narrowed to trying to protect a single person, a child she loves and feels responsible for, and in her present situation, she’s a lot more inclined to opt for violent solutions. We’ve already seen that in 5x01 with the “There are no good guys” scene, and in 5x03 she is quite ruthless when she doesn’t want to mercy kill a prisoner stabbed by one of her and Madi’s traps, even when Madi is asking her to do it. Season 5 Clarke characterization is pretty controversial - and I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it. It was clearly meant to show Clarke changed and not like herself after 6 years isolation with just Madi as a companion - but I don’t like the way it seemed to almost reduce Clarke to the “Mama Bear” trope. On the other hand, this is not entirely new - Clarke was always kind of mother to the Delinquents, even though they were her age, and driven by the desire to protect those she loves and/or felt responsible for -  especially in season 2, we saw how far she can go when she is cornered and desperate to save her people. And she is certainly cornered here. We could argue  whether some of her decisions here - such as to start attacking the prisoners - were smart, but with Eden as the only livable place, there wasn’t much else she could do other than hide, which she and Madi couldn’t do indefinitely.

Bellamy’s. Echo’s and Raven’s fight with Kodiak - a particularly large and dangerous prisoner that Diyoza had woken up because of the alarm Spacekru had set off - is IMO one of the best in the show, very raw and brutal and desperate. It reminds me of the 2x11 fight where Bellamy also ended up strangling a man after a desperate fight, with the help of Echo and someone else who’s mostly a non-combatant - in S2 it was Maya, here it’s Raven. (For someone who isn’t a fighter  and in spite of her disability, Raven has the right moves - going straight for the eyes.) Bellamy and Echo work well as a part of the team, the leader and his right hand, but if you just saw this episode, you’d have no idea that they’re a couple. They don’t get the little everyday moments of chemistry and coupley behavior that we see here with Marper (when Raven teases “lovebirds” about Zero G sex, we immediately see that Marper is who she meant) or that we see with Memori in other seasons, whenever they are together. Here, they are on a break, and it’s so weird after seeing them in S7, watching Emori and Murphy snapping at each other with animosity - but there’s a thin line between love and hate.

Sleeping Giants is generally a great showcase for Bellamy: this is arguably him at his best as a leader, not only negotiating and saving his people while also refusing to commit mass murder, but we also see how good he is at instilling confidence in other team members - be it asking Murphy for his opinion, or building up Emori’s confidence as a pilot. The moment where they smile each other after she lands successfully is one of the best scenes in terms of the Spacekru dynamic - and in terms of genuinely platonic m/f friendships in the show (which should get more screentime).

It’s also a good episode for Raven, who insists she stays behind even though she knows there is a huge chance of dying, and lies to Bellamy that there is an escape pod for two, to stop him from insisting on staying instead, with his own self-sacrificial tendencies. In season 7, Raven felt guilty for not putting her life on the line in 7x03, but she did it here. Murphy ends up unintentionally kind of doing the same - fooled by her lie about the escape pod. Would he have stayed behind if he knew there was no escape pod? At this point in his development, probably not, but he is still showing the desire to contribute and do something heroic. He isn’t even sure himself what his motives are - was it just to impress Emori and show he’s not selfish, or if he really wants to be a hero who is ready to sacrifice and/or risk his life, the way the others do?

There are so many callbacks in this episode! Murphy even says the line "See you on the other side" and Raven tells Murphy: “You're right, dying alone would have sucked", referencing their scene in 2x01, back when they were just starting to not be enemies.

But of course, what this episode is mostly remembered by is Bellamy learning that Clarke is alive, and their first meeting in 6 years, in the epic last scene. The show made Bellamy and the rest of the Spacekru a bit incompetent for a moment when they get themselves captured by two prisoners, so Madi would rescue them and deliver the news that Clarke is alive. Clarke has obviously told Madi stories about Bellamy and described him, since Madi immediately recognizes him. We get Bellamy’s Harper and Monty’s reactions (as they are the Delinquents and much closer to Clarke than Echo and Emori). So Madi rescues Bellamy and then Bellamy rescues Clarke, and it feels like a lot of the plot was written in order to set up that last scene.  (Incidentally, Bellamy and Clarke are paralleled with the way they both say the same line: “No, Madi”.)

Let’s be honest here - there was no plot reason whatsoever to put this kind of emphasis on Bellamy rescuing Clarke in this scene, other than to emphasize the importance of Bellamy’s and Clarke’s relationship. He was already planning to use the prisoners in cryo as leverage to rescue Octavia and the rest of the people in the bunker - which he will also do. He could have rescued Clarke in a brief scene and then continued negotiating with Diyoza. In plot terms, this is not a cliffhanger or last scene material. But in relationship terms? That’s another story. And there was no reason to make it look so goddamn romantic - other than to portray their relationship as a romantic one, regardless of their actual relationship status. 

The entire scene is filmed to look like a dream. We see Clarke looking at him, with a dreamy look in her eyes. From Clarke’s POV, it looks like Bellamy is appearing out of the darkness, bathed in light (and holding the “Best dad in the universe” cup from Eligius 4).  

 If this was just your run-of-the-mill rescue of some of our protagonists by other ones, there was also no reason for Diyoza to say the line: “283 lives for one. She must be pretty important to you.”  In fact, this line used to bug me - because I thought it didn’t make sense for her to ask that. Come on, Diyoza, you know how hostage negotiations and leverage works! You know he is making a smart play here. Release my people and I don’t kill your people - there’s nothing strange about that. But on second thoughts - I can see Diyoza bulls*itting like that in order to try to suss out what exactly Bellamy’s relationship to Clarke is, so she could potentially use it later in dealing with them. In any case, this line clearly exists to set up Bellamy’s answer: “She is”. Set o dramatic music, as the ending line of the episode.

Rating: 8.5/10

[muwitch]

Why the Fullbringer Arc is an important plot milestone - 2

the continuation of this post and I’m bak on my bullshit~ remember my brain will jump to things

also CFYOW spoilers

so part 2/?

key figures and themes of the arc

So last time I said that ppl disliked the majority of new characters because, as opposing to the ones we grew familiar with, the arc was differently paced and so we didn’t have time at large to form some sort of solid connection to them.

And here the magic happens, because we do not have time to get attached to the characters and they seem to be faded against the background of all the others.

But apart from COMPARISON Fullbringers are quite an independent unit that focuses not on how much reiatsu you have, but on skill

In the Can't fear your own world novel the origin of Fullbringer power is revealed and it’s shown how actually universally badass those powers are, take Tsukishima for example, who grows a tree in a second to ward off lightning, simply adding himself to the past. Atomic.

For living people even just getting close to the level of those with whom they fought (three captains and three leutenants) and not dying in the first moment (except u Giriko) is a great achievement. For people who are not Ichigo Kurosaki with a family tree rivaling GoT of course. 

There is another important motive associated with fullbringers, which I mentioned above, and this is LONELINESS. And it's served so brilliantly that I'm going to die now.

If you look and read carefully, it becomes clear that even the fullbringers gathered together are unusually, exasperately lonely. (See the cover? They reach out but never do truly connect) This is the curse of their power. This is their main weakness. This is their unusual humanity and kinship with the Hollows.

This is also why, but that’s my guess, their whole presentation is very lacking, to show how they fall out of everyday life and proper sozialising, so even we, as readers, cannot properly connect to them. Same reach out, but not hold symbolism. Or I am giving too much credit, we just don’t know?

Even the one who has assembled the whole group, Ginjo, is an even lonelier person who has terrible trust issues, who survived betrayal and persecution, and everything that he once believed in was set upside down. And even knowing what kind of person he is, fullbringers, driven by loneliness, followed him. (Though, we must admit, he weilds his words well and rolls +20 on persuation)

Because, although for a short time, he helped them to bear the burden of this loneliness.

Needless to say, the entire initial situation with OG fullbringers happened not only bc of some noble meddling, but also due to the fact that Ginjo gathered people to TAKE POWER FROM THEM SO THEY COULD LIVE A NORMAL LIFE

Ironically enough, each Fullbringer posesses a piece of SOUL KING, which is the source of their power and lures Hollows to pregnant mothers, which is such an important piece of information it makes me mad it was only explained in CFYOW. 

Although it is understandable why Kubo chose not to focus on it during the arc. My take is he planned to show the importance of Fullbringers and their origins during TYBW, but we all know it didn’t happen.

Another common theme that follows from the previous two is PTSD, which unites the characters and key figures of the arc, and the paths of experiencing trauma constitute another conflict, where Ichigo overcomes it through friends and the return of strength and motivation, as opposed to Ginjo, who choses destuctive way to handle his own trauma.

In short flashbacks shown during “Pray for Predators” chapters, we can also clearly see PSTD practically in every person’s past. Each of Fullbringers go about it differenly, most proactive being probably Riruka and most reactive being Tsukishima and Ginjo. Which is also symbolically shown that people, who can go own with their lives and finally integrate into society stay alive. Those, who cannot, go to SS and are set into new path by more drastic measures.

I will surely attribute to the pluses how Kubo shows Ichigo's PTSD, literally in 3-4 chapters showing how he cannot, like Remarque's hero, settle in peacetime, because he constantly catches triggers, for example with his substitute badge.

Through Ichigo’s thoughts is shown how he merged with his position as a substitute shinigami and constantly thinks in categories that are not very applicable to his normal life, which he seemed to have dreamed of for 16 years And now he actually got it, but absolutely does not know what to do with it.

Kubo skillfully fuels PTSD and Ichigo's anxiety which is why he is being swayed by Ginjo's words correctly spoken at the right time.

 Example: Karin speaks of his brother, they say he always fought to protect  Ginjo fuels Ichigo’s doubt , saying he must act to protect his family

Accordingly, the theme approaches the climax for a push into the plot at the time of the attack on Ishida, Ichigo gets a punch in the gut twice: first from Ishida himself, who, with his unwillingness to tell things, pokes Ichigo into his helplessness and excludes him from the circle of trust, which IS the last blow 

And then from Ishida's father, who by his behavior shows that Ichigo's efficiency now amounts to zero, so much so that he cannot even protect Orihime while she walks home, which is why he runs away in frustrated feelings, realizing the message. So this intro is absolutely veritable and ingenious.

And so that you understand how desperate Ichigo is, if not yet, then here is a panel where FATTEST visual forshadowing happens. And here is an absolutely genius moment to understand that Ichigo is not a child but a teenager with all that it implies

He may be battle-hardened, but this is a 17-year-old living boy with trust issues, and if we remember that through his manager's lips we are given a direct hint that Ichigo is still immature in a way, so the meaning of this arc as a stage of Ishigo's psychological maturation becomes clearer.

Just look at the face he has when Ginjo promises to return his powers (not to mention the hysterics after that) Is this a healthy person's face?

And here my hands are literally itching to start talking about Ginjo, because to give an antihero who, in addition, will have a much closer dynamics with Ichi than Urahara, plus for the duration of the arc  will act as a mentor and father figure, this is just genius. Don’t @ me.

But the next plus, which will then bring us further, and this is THE Forshadowing 

Everywhere, just everywhere, starting from the very first pages.

And Kubo still confuses us in the course of the narrative, but my god, when you re-read, Easter eggs are crammed almost in every chapter and I think its beautiful. Both verbal (Ginjo is such a bad actor that he has to change his memory badumts) and visual

The plus that I mentioned earlier is 100% more lively dynamics between Ginjo and Ichi, because both are people and in fact, there is much more than it may seem at first, that brings both together. And the friendly connection that they establish with each other in this arc still not 100% false placeholder. (Which is easily spotted by the way Ginjo adresses Ichigo through the arc especially last chapters). 

And at the same time, they are in many ways the antonyms of each other, in age, color scheme, design, even names and also in what gives them motivation, in how they react to this or that event. For example, Ichigo is quite an emotional guy and puts his soul into everything, so to speak, then Ginjo, for example

Plus, the latter is not only skillful manipulator, but also embittered. And through such contrast, with generally the same input data, Kubo shows us that there is always a different path, leading to the topic choice, and where each specific one can lead a character.

Which absolutely doesn’t stop Ichigo from familirizing himself right off the bat and the two of them have comedy gold moments from the start. It is more lively, than being set against 300+ y.o. Urahara (whom I love as a character).

And, cross my heart Isshin is a great character, but he’s got that father of the year award, and Urahara can only give like a little itsy bitsy of information at a time only if it benefits him or a bigger picture, so the mentor’s role goes to Ginjo, which is well earned as he is technically the First Substitute. 

Ginjo is a mentor, a guide, and the main antagonist of the arc, which in itself is an unexpected and interesting combination within the framework of  Bleach. Here is a living example, in the moment of training he can go so far as to help Ichigo overcome his psychological barrier by simply and cruelly breaking him.

Which he does in the most painful way, through the trauma and inability of Ichigo to protect his loved ones. And from the reaction of the latter, childish and naive, his immaturity can be clearly seen (see the previous points). Although we do not know this yet, Ginjo is constantly trying to teach Ichigo one lesson that he himself learned the hard way. 

Combining this with such an important praise for a teenager and faith in Ighigo’s powers, which Ichigo was deprived of for 17 months as soon as he lost his powers as a shinigami ( all relatives are trying to isolate him from this, no one believes that he can and is able to stand up for him). This is another plus of the arc, namely the whole depth of the betrayal that Ichigo experiences when the cards are revealed.

Maybe the quincy arc would go completely differently, if Ichigo felt Ishida's betrayal or reacted to the truth about his mother in a different way. Did Ginjo not temper/prepare Ichigo in the way he did, did he involuntary not strengthen Ichi internally... Who knows how Bleach would end in general.

 This is to the question of the importance of this arc yes 

P.S  Strengthening the body also benefited Ichigo.Friendly reminder that he fights in his physical body for the entire arc except the end.

And the training episode immediately appears in a different light, right? 

And in my next hot take I will focus on another really important thing which is salvation and my own bitterness of why didn’t Kubo explore the whole SS thing and now we have to fee ourselves

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings about the changes in vol 21

So, as promised, I wanted to ramble a bit about the huge changes in vol 21 and how they impact on the characters.

I’ll divide them according to affected characters.

For the visual I recommend you checking my previous post “Quick outline of the changes in Golden Kamuy Vol 21 ”.

We’ll start first with those who were only vaguely affected to progress with the ones who were HUGELY affected.

TANIGAKI

Ironically Tanigaki, who’s on the cover of the volume is the least one to be affected by changes… but well, they’re an improvement for him.

1)

While in the magazine version Tanigaki only said he was sure Inkarmat was well and they should go visit her once back, which implied a baseless confidence in her recovery without him not even attempting to check on it and a medium wish to see her again, now Tanigaki talks of receiving telegrams confirming she has recovered and her urgency to see her as soon as he’s back is more marked.

It’s overall nothing big but gives the impression he cared more about her than in the magazine and therefore make smoother how he’ll want to go back to her in what will likely be vol 23.

2)

He also seemed more involved in the vision of the movie, as if to imply for him too that scene was a touching moment of bonding with Chikapasi. Nice but it’s still pretty weak and underwhelming.

TSUKISHIMA

Tsukishima also get minor changes. I like to think some of them give his feelings more deep.

However it’s worth to mention something before talking about the changes in Tsukishima and this something is that in vol 20 the scene was changed so that Tsukishima was present when Ogata called Koito ‘Barchonok’ (Барчонок  ‘pampered little rich boy’) so I expect this change would affect the plot of vol 21. This wasn’t the case. The scene in which Koito mention such a word in chap 201 is completely unchanged, Tsukishima not recognizing it in the slightest and if he recognized it in chap 210, when Koito contextualized it… well, it’s hard to say as the scene is again unchanged.

So what changed?

1)

Tsukishima was less pushy when, in chap 205, he tried to get Sugimoto to talk with Asirpa, as this time he doesn’t say they’ve no time before Tsurumi will get there. I’m not sure why this was removed as Tsukishima will be pushy as they make the movie but maybe this merely interrupted the flow of Sugimoto’s words.

2)

We see an interesting thing. When Noda redraw chap 103, he removed Ogata’s smiles as he talked to his father. In the volume version Ogata will remain serious through the whole talk and smile only at the end and when he talks to Tsurumi.

Instead here Noda had Tsukishima, who in the magazine was serious, smile as he says he was tricked too. Tsukishima also digs more in Tsurumi’s deception, saying how Tsurumi poured affection into a place in him that was wilted away so as to better describe how meaningful for Tsukishima was what Tsurumi did. That moment in which Tsurumi made him feel he was important enough for Tsurumi to go so far Tsukishima should have felt really impressed… and it’s meaningful how there seems to be tears in his eyes, when he says that it’s fine for him if he was used and that his life didn’t matter much to him.

Tsukishima is saying it’s fine but it actually pains him.

Tsukishima becomes a good example of how men sometimes smile when they’re in pain not because they’re happy but because in that way they seem/feel more in control, their smile being actually a bitter one and of how one might say he’s okay and instead think the opposite.

KOITO

Changes about Koito are also fundamentally minor but they work to flesh out his feelings better in consideration of how Koito’s perception of the world and stance are going to change.

1)

Personally I found interesting how Noda added Koito saying ‘like his Excellency Hanazawa and Ogata Hyakunosuke… like that parent and child’. The sentence remarks their parent/child relation and the parallel with himself and his father. It draws a connection between his situation and Ogata’s, allowing Koito to humanize someone he has always despised but, at the same time, strongly implying Koito’s judgment is strongly tied to his own perception of father/child relations.

It’s hard to judge where this will lead but I think Koito’s view of Ogata, while talking with Tsukishima, has shifted completely from the previous view he had. Probably he felt him closer, both tricked, both, according to Koito, caring about their parents. Koito, who strongly wants his father’s approbation, despised Ogata for betraying Hanazawa’s memory and rebelling but if Ogata was pursuing revenge for his father… well, I think Koito thought this he could approve.

2)

Koito now looks a lot less happy and comfortable to see Tsurumi so, differently from the manga, it’s much more clear he was faking when he pretended to be impressed by how far Tsurumi went to get him. Therefore, even though later he’ll decide to still put faith in Tsurumi, from now on he’s clearly no more a compliant and enthusiastically blind follower.

SHIRAISHI

Minor changes for Shiraishi too but they are relevant enough. Shiraishi qualifies as a smart guy who can watch things objectively and has a better grasp of the situation.

1)

In the volume version in fact, he’s present when Sugimoto and Asirpa discuss, so he heard their little chat but he clearly wasn’t involved. Asirpa asked for Sugimoto’s opinion and Sugimoto first missed the point of her worry (the Ainu, not herself) and then gave a pretty unrealistic reply, at which Shiraishi left, with the result he ends up overhearing half of Koito and Tsukishima’s discussion. Actually, if he got out just after he left Sugi and Asirpa he overheard part of Koito’s accusations and all of Tsukishima’s confession.

In this way the volume tells us that Shiraishi might have heard quite a good part of their chat… and while he was completely sober.

2)

The following changes are in the discussion he has with Sugimoto. In the magazine Shiraishi said Asirpa isn’t the Asirpa he knew anymore. In the volume he says she isn’t the Asirpa he first met. It’s overall similar but I think here Shiraishi remarks more not so much that Asirpa has changed as a person but that what she has learnt had pushed her into different goals. The Asirpa Sugimoto met was unaware of many things and thought since she didn’t need the gold she could happily hand it out to Sugimoto and Shiraishi and lived a life unaware of how Ainu could end up. Present Asirpa wants the gold to be used for the Ainu, she’s more aware of the situation of her people and wants to improve it.

It’s a different type of change in her, one not given by an abrupt shift in her character but by a greater awareness of the world around her.

Character wise Asirpa is still the same. She doesn’t want to kill, she loves her people, she’s a glutton at heart. But now she has knowledge of the world around her, of the dangers for her people. It’s as if she’d sampled the forbidden fruit of knowledge and can’t turn back anymore. This is what Asirpa had been trying to tell Sugimoto, that it’s not that she doesn’t want to go back to say citatap and hinna hinna, it’s not that those things don’t interest her anymore, is that she knows she can’t because her way of living, her people, are in danger.

3)

Always in that same discussion Shiraishi points out something else that’s really relevant and that before he didn’t mention. He basically questions Sugimoto’s ‘naïve belief’ Tsurumi might care about the Ainu. Sugimoto in the volume told Asirpa Ainu would have a use for Tsurumi as a workforce (which, let’s be honest, is not really a great option as this would imply Ainu should leave their own way to live and start to work in Tsurumi’s army factories or in his opium factories so bye-bye Ainu lifestyle). Shiraishi’s question points out not only how this is naïve, but that he doesn’t think Sugimoto himself believes this.

(Note that Tsukishima and Koito didn’t talk about the Ainu so the fact that this is naive is something Shiraishi figured by himself)

Shiraishi in short is showing he understands the Ainu cause is important for Asirpa and, in a way that probably surprises him as well, he has sort of grown to care for it as well and is basically asking Sugimoto if he’s stupid, delusional or a liar when he’s saying Tsurumi would care about the Ainu. I won’t dig into Sugimoto now because I’ll talk about him later but in the volume version Shiraishi comes out as someone who got a more objective look on the situation and a better grasp to what Tsurumi wants as well as even more critical of Sugimoto’s actions than in the magazine.

4)

The last change is very minor. In the magazine Shiraishi throws up, distracting Tsurumi in such a providential way it seemed done on purpose. In the volume version Shiraishi doesn’t throw up, he burps when Tsurumi claims he wants everyone’s happiness and to cooperate with Asirpa which sounds more like a sound of lack of disbelief, even if his face is slightly shadowed. Personally I prefer this change. We already saw Shiraishi getting drunks but in the morning he was always fine. Even though it was clear this time he came back completely wasted (and I wonder if Vol 22 will develop him more) he had also thrown up twice with Sugimoto. He shouldn’t have anything anymore in his stomach.

If anything the only thing I question is that they still have used him as a comic relief not having him escape with Sugimoto and Asirpa but allowing an arrow to hit him. Changing this would have been appreciated.

ASIRPA

Changes about Asirpa are very relevant for how we read Asirpa. Sure, if you want they take from her a ‘first glance’ intuition that however seemed unrealistic but Asirpa becomes more thoughtful and more proactive and determinate. Even more she doesn’t let others order her around but demands for explanations and take her own decisions.

1)

We start really tame, with Noda remarking how Tanigaki’s words about how they can’t try helping Shiraishi because if the sniper is Ogata, the target is Asirpa.

Let’s go back to that scene and look to a bit that remains the same in the volume.

When Vasily started shooting they immediately realized the one shooting them was a ‘sniper’ (狙撃手) and not a random guy. Asirpa sweats slightly hearing the word ‘sniper’, repeating it as Noda shadows her face with an uniform toner. Asirpa knows who the sniper could be and it tosses on her a shadow.

They will however need the sniper to shoot again before Tsukishima (or is he Tanigaki? Hard to say as we don’t see the speaker) will claim the sniper has to be Ogata Hyakunosuke, something Sugimoto also thought, since as he runs toward the sniper he thinks he’s gonna fight Ogata.

When Tsukishima states so, Asirpa’s face is shown again but, although she’s sweating because she realizes the situation is serious, there is no shadow on her face. I take it’s a hint that Tsukishima’s words merely confirmed what she had thought but didn’t verbalize, that the attacked could be Ogata.

Noda didn’t feel the need to add a shading here.

We go on, Tsukishima points out how Sugimoto is moving to attack Ogata and Koito points out how it’s weird Ogata would forget to check on Sugimoto.

Asirpa worries about saving Shiraishi and Tanigaki tells her they can’t because if it’s Ogata it’s her he wants to kill. And Noda here, in the volume version, added a shading but not an uniform shading like when Asirpa heard the word ‘sniper’ but a swirling shading.

Of course it’s possible it’s just because he wanted to remark which sort of burden Tanigaki pushed on Asirpa. It’s due to her that Shiraishi got shoot, because Ogata wanted to kill HER.

But, I wonder, if Noda didn’t want to hint more here.

Later in fact, Asirpa will question herself and the others about Ogata.

For start she question if he’ll come back at which Sugimoto replies she’s the key to the gold so there’s a chance he’ll do.

Asirpa doesn’t reply at first, then mentions how Ogata ACTED LIKE HE WAS GOING TO KILL HER. If she’s the key to the gold, killing her means giving up on the gold. It’s also interesting she doesn’t say he attempted to kill her, but that he acted as if he was going to do so. Asirpa knows two things Sugimoto doesn’t know.

The first is that Ogata encouraged her to shoot him, deliberately gave her reason to do so and time to do so. The second is that when she hit him, he smiled as if he had got exactly what he wanted.

Honestly I’m not sure she understood most of what Ogata said as she should need previous knowledge about his father and brother.

There’s a third thing Asirpa might have realized but, on this, I’m not sure. She knows first-hand Ogata is very fast but, although both of them were supposedly startled by Sugimoto’s scream, while she let go her arrow in surprise, Ogata didn’t push the trigger. His eyes remained on her but he made no attempt to harm her even though he threatened her about it.

To sum it up when Asirpa basically rejected him Ogata’s first instinct wasn’t to kill her, it was trying to goad her into killing him, although he threatened her to do so he didn’t and, lastly, killing her would lead him nowhere. He still wouldn’t have the gold.

I think that swirling shading might be there to point out how Asirpa had tried to let the whole thing of the drift ice behind her, maybe hoping after Ogata’s escape she wouldn’t see him again, forgetting the whole thing as she had attempted to do with her father’s memories the first time she believed Wilk died but Tanigaki’s words brought it all back and with it, the need to figure the whole thing out.

Not only Ogata’s behavior made no sense from her point of view but also the idea he’d really want to kill her makes no sense either and it’s possible Noda felt a shading was needed to hint how it was Tanigaki’s sentence that triggered Asirpa’s following questioning.

2)

The second change actually refers to what Sugimoto will say to Vasily but, as Asirpa overhears him and that conversation ties with another conversation she will have with Sugimoto, this will become relevant.

In fact originally in the magazine Sugimoto said just because the world Asirpa was looking at had him in it, this cleaned him and he thought he could be saved. There were many reasons due to which Sugimoto could think so, starting with him thinking that if someone as pure as Asirpa were to be friend with him, this somehow made him a better person.

So in the magazine Asirpa saying Sugimoto was doing it merely because he saw himself as a child in her, felt as Asirpa hugely interpreting what she overheard Sugimoto saying. Sure, she was right, but since Sugimoto’s original sentence was so different, it felt like a huge leap.

Now instead not only her words aren’t anymore that distant from Sugimoto’s words but the type of burden pushed on her changes.

In the magazine her existence somehow made Sugimoto feel he could be purified and he saw this as a chance of salvation.

In the volume her existence is just a reminder Sugimoto was like her once, he sees himself in her so he wants to protect her the way he couldn’t protect himself. For Asirpa, who has a crush for Sugimoto, it’s clearly something painful because Sugimoto doesn’t want to protect her for herself, but because he sees himself in her.

Sure, it pushes on her less responsibility than being considered a ‘purifying deity’ or some sort of ‘purifying shaman’ but, at the same time, it denies her as her own person and it makes the matter worse how, when this is discussed, she learns her father too didn’t see her as her own person but as a way to continue his own partisan fight.

Both Wilk and Sugimoto are pushing their own wishes on her (we’ll debate another time on who has the best wish for her) without considering her own.

They don’t ask her which sort of future she wants, they decide for her which future is the best for her, the future THEY WANT.

It clearly pushes Asirpa, who was so proud of choosing for herself her own fate, in an unpleasant place… until, at the end of the volume, she’ll take back the reins of her own life. But we’ll discuss about this in a while.

3)

It’s a tiny change but Asirpa is less of a rabid movie director in the volume. Asirpa is generally not particularly polite but not overly rude so maybe Noda decided to remove it not fitting with her character.

4)

The next change is about the discussion Sugimoto and Asirpa will have as they wait for Tsurumi to come.

In the magazine Asirpa asked Sugimoto what he would do afterward, if he would cooperate with Tsurumi, to which Sugimoto didn’t reply.

The volume removed this scene because it was plainly stupid. Asirpa had already asked Sugimoto what he was going to do in chap 192. The volume even expanded the magazine scene. Having her ask it again with Sugimoto not replying to it didn’t really make much sense.

The other change to the scene has Sugimoto answers to Asirpa’s question about what will happen to the Ainu. In the magazine he said nothing. Here he said that since Asirpa knows the code she has an advantage over Tsurumi and can get him to do what she wants. Although Asirpa is doubtful this actually works much better for Asirpa’s character.

In fact, in the magazine, despite having shown she cared so much about the Ainu and wanted the gold to be used for their benefit, after Sugimoto told her about how terrible it would be if she were to have to kill someone, the fact she doesn’t oppose to being handed to Tsurumi even if Sugimoto doesn’t know what will happen to the Ainu afterward makes her look as if she is considering giving up on protecting the Ainu interests to protect herself from killing.

Sure, later in the magazine she’ll claim she’ll understand which sort of man Tsurumi is just by watching him and, as what she saw didn’t please her, she’ll escape but… we’ll discuss about this later and as if this happened in chap 211 it clearly made her look way too remissive in chap 210.

Here instead, Asirpa’s apparent compliance can be explained with her thinking that agreeing can still work to protect the Ainu, that by giving the gold to Tsurumi the Ainu still have lot to gain.

In short the change it doesn’t make Asirpa consider giving up on the Ainu for her own wish to protect herself. They’re always her first thought and she’s considering going through Sugimoto’s plan because he presents it as one from which the Ainu could still possibly benefit.

5)

And so we reach the hugest change in the story.

As mentioned before, in the magazine Asirpa states she’ll understand which sort of man Tsurumi is just by looking at him. Apparently Tsurumi saying her she has her father’s eyes didn’t impress her positively because she decides to escape a second later.

In the volume Asirpa doesn’t claim she’ll decide which sort of man Tsurumi is just by a glance, she just listen to Sugimoto who, for the second time, tells her everything will go well.

It’s Tsurumi who basically fails to act smoothly, evidently undervaluing her. In fact he begins immediately making clear he plans to part Asirpa from Sugimoto and Shiraishi.

This causes Asirpa to smell disaster and she begins to question Tsurumi asking him why they aren’t going together. Tsurumi, evidently thinking he’s dealing with a child, claims it’s just because there isn’t enough space for them in the ship but Asirpa reminds him he said afterward Sugimoto and Shiraishi would have to remain on stand-by at Wakkanai, meaning she won’t wait for them nor they would reach her.

She asks to know where he’s taking her to which Tsurumi gives a dismissive answer ‘I’ll tell you later’.

As Sugimoto sweats but says nothing Asirpa continues to question Tsurumi, demanding to know if he’s trying to divide her from Sugimoto.

Tsurumi denies this, claiming she will be able to meet Sugimoto wherever she wants, they’re just aiming to bring her to a safe place because everyone is targeting her.

Asirpa isn’t deterred by this.

She remarks that her father only told Hijikata Toshizou about her existence, which might imply she’s starting to wonder how Tsurumi knew about her, and how he did so in order for her to oversee that the gold were to be used for the Ainu’s sake.

So she demands to know if he’s really going to take care of the Ainu in his future plans.

Tsurumi tries to give her one of his propaganda talks, they aim for a future in which everyone is happy and they want her cooperation (which we know is a lie as a previous page made clear they actually plan to keep her trapped in a jail until they got the skin and the Ariko chapters made clear Tsurumi forces people to cooperate with them by blackmailing them).

Asirpa insists she won’t help him if the gold isn’t used for the Ainu. She’s calm yet firm, she’s not sweating, only frowning slightly.

From this exchange Asirpa comes out as someone who’s confident, who doesn’t bow easily and who can read between lines. She doesn’t fall for Tsurumi’s fake reassurances and pretty words, she insists on her line and trying to protect her interests. In a way she is left alone to face Tsurumi as Sugimoto won’t say a word against Tsurumi’s plan and Shiraishi only makes a mocking sound.

It’s worth to mention though that Tsurumi’s emotions play to Asirpa’s advantage. Tsurumi’s brain fluids keeps on dripping always a bit more and he’s clearly reminded of Wilk more than once as he watches her. This is probably why, even though Tsurumi is a consumed liar, he snaps and tosses against her how that gold was a war fund to kill Japanese.

In short he stop trying to smooth Asirpa into doing what he says and tries to scare her into compliance, which surprises his own men.

While I think in a way his answer is what Asirpa wanted, as with such answer he reveals his not benevolent feelings toward the Ainu, Asirpa wasn’t prepared to him attacking her like that.

She sweats as she replies that the few Ainu who had that goal in mind died, that not all the Ainu want to fight and that the usage of the gold should be for the Ainu who are alive in the present to decide.

Tsurumi takes this as Asirpa claiming she’ll inherit and follow Wilk’s wishes and that she has his eyes. Then as he starts laughing hysterically, brain fluids dropping everywhere Asirpa will take her decision to escape which now makes a lot more sense than in the manga as Tsurumi has clearly proved himself as a man with malicious intentions toward her and toward the Ainu, a liar who tried to manipulate her into compliance and someone who’s not all right in the mind.

I won’t stop talking about this much, although the fact Tsurumi tattled out he knew Wilk’s eye colour, combined with how he knew about her existence (something Wilk revealed only to Hijikata), might have helped her to realize he knew her father personally (and might have been what pushed her to escape in the magazine as that her eyes looked like her father’s was the only thing Tsurumi managed to tell her).

I’ll focus more on Asirpa’s last sentence. Skipping for a moment how she continues to affirm she believes the Ainu gold should be used for the Ainu which was something she always claimed wanting, her previous statement regards how she claims that the Ainu who wanted to kill the Japanese were few and had died.

The cynical person that’s in me and who knows how partisans work felt like this is just her assumption. She can’t really know if there are more people like that or not.

Partisans work in secrecy, if there were some they wouldn’t openly discuss this around, especially with someone who is, by their standards, a child.

In short I speculated there should have been partisans in Hokkaido, it was just Asirpa didn’t know about them.

On the other side I assumed Asirpa’s idea that there aren’t Ainu who would want to kill the Japanese, or that those are a negligible minority, is not merely due to her religious belief killing is wrong and all Ainu would abide to this precept, but because she’s not really informed on how partisans work.

In fact not only she didn’t go to school but this wasn’t exactly a common concept among Japanese people at the time.

In fact Ushiyama, an adult man, had never heard the word and Hijikata had to explain it to him (chap 70).

The previous Ainu rebellions were due to Ainu clans deciding to fight against each other or against Japanese. From an Ainu perspective they were wars, battles or occasional uprising. Even the gold, although collected in secrecy, was collected by villages, not by a bunch of men in secrecy.

So Asirpa might be completely ignorant on how partisans would operate, how they would hid among her people, acting one way and thinking another, meeting in secret and keeping their identities secret.

As there’s no such malcontent between Ainu villages that they would revolt, for an Ainu like Asirpa, it would be reasonable to assume they wouldn’t revolt, that the Ainu who died moving the gold supposedly because they wanted to use it to wage war, were ‘oddities’ without real support.

Despite her religious beliefs she knows Ainu can kill, not only they too have murderers, but Ainu went to the Russo-Japanese war, Kiroranke and Ariko being veterans from it and Makanakkuru knowing many other Ainu veterans so it’s hard she could have been unaware of Ainu killing people existing. So I don’t think she ruled the idea out just because Ainu don’t kill but merely because Ainu didn’t act as if they were willing to wage wars. There was no such malcontent (conditions that spurred the rebellions were way more terrible than the ones we see in GK) and there were no councils of war and for her this is probably what’s matter. Even if she were to take into consideration there could be one or two Ainu willing to kill Japanese, in the great scheme of thing  one or two people couldn’t wage war and therefore wouldn’t matter.

This would cause her to completely miss the existence of partisans because she doesn’t know well how they work (Kiroranke told her something about their partisan life but I think he wasn’t detailed enough and she might have mistaken their secrecy for them having been involved in the emperor’s murder and being fugitive) and therefore she would be unable to spot signs of their existence in Hokkaido, not mentioning she doesn’t know all the Ainu of Hokkaido, although she definitely knows many people in various town and travelled through it (Asirpa knows where they’re going during their travels, she has an idea of where her relatives are and how Ainu of certain regions live so maybe she travelled around with Wilk).

It doesn’t help Wilk completely overlook that part of her training. Although he wanted her to be a guerrilla fighter, he hadn’t taught her secrecy and lack of faith as well as he didn’t toughen her up to ready her to kill people nor, apparently, made her politically aware of Ainu condition, of his past and his belonging to partisans.

Long story short, my feelings were there was a tight network of partisans and Asirpa just didn’t know because she lacked the instrument to spot it. You can’t find something of which you don’t truly know the look. Even if it were placed under your eyes you wouldn’t recognize it, same as she didn’t recognize Kiro was a partisan, nor did Sugimoto, who only though he was a competitor for the possession of the gold.

It will be Inkarmat who’ll inform the group about how Wilk was a partisan but from the way she describes the partisan movement to Asirpa, she doesn’t seem aware of how it works because from the way she describes how Wilk was hurt, it’s clear she seems to think of him having been involved in a real battle, which not only is false but also unlikely as the partisans’ modus operandi isn’t actually to give battle to the enemy.

From the way Inkarmat put it she also doesn’t consider a possible involvement of partisans from Hokkaido, who might have joined forces with the ones in Russia and no one corrects her belief.

No one expects partisans to exist in Hokkaido, even Sugimoto who at first was afraid of Ainu assumed there would be rebellious villages, not men plotting in secrecy.

After all it’s meaningful in Japanese the word “partisan” is “パルチザン”, which is merely the katakana version of the French word “partisan” and the same goes for the word “guerrilla”, “ゲリラ”, the Katakana version of the Spanish word “guerrilla”. Japanese people didn’t have such word, they adopted it from other cultures so it’s possible to assume back then they didn’t know well how such things worked.

However, as I was discussing in Discord about it, two things dawned on me.

The first is that actually so far Golden Kamuy had given us no single proof such partisans exist.

Hijikata do not search their alliance, nor, apparently, did Kiro or Wilk. In fact Wilk was supposed to contact the partisans and revolutionaries in Russia, not to rally the help of the partisans in Hokkaido, and Kiro too wants the help of the revolutionaries in Russia, and doesn’t search the one of the partisans in Hokkaido.

Also Wilk, who tried to get Hijikata to find his daughter, didn’t give him names of Ainu partisans who would join him. Even with all his faith in Asirpa, leaving his daughter, a young girl, alone into an allegiance with Japanese men is risky, it would be much better if Asirpa were to have Ainu allies to support her.

The Ainu who join Hijikata are Kirawus, who apparently did it because he searched for money and who met Hijikata coincidentally and Ariko who was yes, the son of one of the Ainu moving the gold, but he’s clearly not a partisan.

As for the Ainu who helped Wilk to move the gold, they didn’t necessarily have to be partisans. As Boutarou figured out, before it was moved, there were too many people already who knew where it was. Wilk could have managed to persuade the Ainu the Japanese government had found out where it was as well and planned to steal it, so that the Ainu would have to relocate it in a more secret place.

Long story short yes, it can be it just wasn’t in the Hokkaido Ainu culture to be ‘partisans’, that they simply didn’t conceive such a way of fighting, so there weren’t partisans, just some unhappy people who wouldn’t really manage to do much harm.

The other important thing is that… well, even if Asirpa had been aware of Hokkaido pullulating of partisans she couldn’t really tell Tsurumi this in such a situation. She was testing ground to see if an allegiance was possible, giving him a speech about how Hokkaido had plenty of Ainu who wanted to kill him would have only sparked animosity toward the Ainu in a moment in which Japanese had a army to fight them while Ainu had not.

So it’s hard to judge Asirpa’s reply since it’s actually the only reply she could give regardless of her knowing/believing partisan existed or not.

6)

The last change is rather small but Noda added a sentence in which he made clear Asirpa’s position.

She says that between going back to her village and WAGE WAR to protect the Ainu there’s only an option she can take. This paints her intentions as much more belligerent than they were in the volume and makes clear that, if Sugimoto is her partner, she wants his support in THIS.

In short she comes out as a much more determinate Asirpa. I think there might be changes in vol 22 as well, so it’s possible that it’s by this point Asirpa starts to consider she could murder people to protect the Ainu and not some chapter later, just to protect Sugimoto.

However we’ll need to wait and see.

SUGIMOTO

Sugimoto… well, he goes though a lot of changes but, in a way, except for a couple, most of them don’t play in his favor in the sense they mostly don’t show him acting better than in the magazine (except in one instance) but digs more and more into how terrible and self serving Sugimoto’s plan was, even if his intentions were good, so that the volume is ultimately a VERY HARSH critic to Sugimoto’s idea it would be better for Asirpa to be handed to Tsurumi.

1)

The first change is minor but, as I’ve already commented, it’s probably also relevant. Noda removed the light in Sugimoto’s eyes when he runs toward where Vasily is, persuaded the attacked is Ogata.

I take this is Noda’s attempt to hint that what Sugimoto wants to do is no good for him on a psychological level, as the lack of light in people’s eyes often hints ‘inner dead’ (see for example Sekiya’s eyes prior to his daughter’s death and after he realized she died). I like to think this hints at how Sugimoto’s wish to kill Ogata is actually psychologically harming Sugimoto who was a man who started this adventure saying he wasn’t a murderer and that he would only kill if someone were to try to kill him back… but now he’s running to kill Ogata not so much because he thinks Ogata is holding his friends at gunpoint but because Sugimoto wants to kill him, because when Ogata escaped he remarked his wish Ogata would come back so he could ‘fucking kill him’. This is no more self defense, ‘oh, I didn’t want to kill him but he attacked me so I had to’, this is more ‘I want to kill you so, please, please, please, give me a reason to fulfill my wish’.

And of course since Sugimoto doesn’t want to be a murderer, longing to murder someone clashes directly with this.

2)

The second change refers to what Sugimoto will say to Vasily.

In fact originally in the magazine Sugimoto said just because the world Asirpa was looking at had him in it, this cleaned him and he thought he could be saved. This caused Asirpa to look like she was an entity who, just by turning her gaze on him, would wash away his sins, sort of like a goddess giving him her blessing.

And just to be clear, this is not romantic, this is delusional. Even though ‘Golden Kamuy’ has joked Asirpa was Jesus not even Jesus would clean people of sins at random, just by happening to look at them when they weren’t even planning to stop sinning. Pushing on Asirpa the role of his magical sin-washing-machine was pretty terrible.

Noda then decided to change this for the volume version, a change that was probably already planned not much later that chapter was printed as Asirpa’s words in chap 206 matches with what she overheard in the volume version, not in the magazine version.

So in the volume version Sugimoto says when he watches Asirpa he thinks he can be saved merely because he retained part of his purity which he had when he was a child.

Long story short in Asirpa Sugimoto sees the ‘little Saichi’. As he thinks ‘little Saichi’ was pure and deserved to be saved and ‘little Saichi’ is a part of him, he thinks he as a whole can be saved.

It’s still bad, even if in a way that’s different from before.

We don’t exactly know what Sugimoto means by ‘salvation’ but it’s clear a part of him loathes himself, thinks he deserves a special place in hell, but now he finds a renewed appreciation in himself because as a child he wasn’t a murderer. Which would be good only if he were to act over it.

Just because he was pure as a child, it’s not like this will make all his wrongdoing magically disappear. Everyone started as a pure child.

And it’s interesting compare his words with Ogata’s.

Now take this with a grain of salt as I’m going by the definitions as they were explained to me as I’m not a Japanese expert.

Anywa…

Ogata talked about ‘Kiyoi’ (清い) “Pure/innocent” with Yuusaku and Asirpa (yeah scanlations translated the word in two different manner, ‘innocent’ with Yuusaku, ‘pure’ with Asirpa but Ogata is actually using the same words). Interesting enough ‘kiyoi’ is the word used in this sentence, ‘Kokoro no kiyoi hito-tachi wa saiwaidearu’ (心の清い人たちは幸いである) or, if you prefer “Blessed are the pure in heart” from Matthew 5: 8 (full sentence being “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”)

Sugimoto used ‘Kirei’ (きれい) “Pure/Beautiful”.

Apparently ‘Kiyoi’ isn’t commonly used, except in literature but it has a strong meaning of ‘nobility’ as it implies not just ‘cleanliness’ but also ‘honesty/inner nobility’. What Ogata complains is that no one is inherently ‘kiyoi’, pure, noble, innocent. We’re all imperfect beings after all, we all not only have the power to hurt/kill others but we’re also responsible of what we let/encourage/empower the others do. Yuusaku lead the men to murder other men, even if he didn’t kill anyone he was still involved in the massacre, motivating men to do it. Even though he didn’t personally stain his hands in blood, he was no better than the others because he actively encouraged others to commit murder.

Ogata, who probably was also used as hit-man, denounces the hypocrisy of who believed that, as long as he weren’t to commit the deed personally but had another do it for him, he remained pure.

Sugimoto’s ‘kirei’ instead is a much more commonly used words and implies a general ‘beauty of clean/pure things’. I think his idea is that having something that’s ‘kirei’, beautiful, pure, gives him a sense of worth. He can be saved just because a part of him is worth being saved.

So, even if, in the English version, they seem to talk about the same thing, ‘purity’, their speech is actually referring to something different.

Something that was believed to be pure but actually it felt so merely because it let other do the dirty work versus something that was pure because it was never tarnished and therefore remained beautiful.

Probably Sugimoto would see Yuusaku as ‘kirei’ as he never personally killed, never tainted his own hands with it, while Ogata feels he’s not ‘kiyoi’ because guilty of murder by association.

Anyway, since Sugimoto sees his child self in Asirpa, he wants to keep her ‘pure’ as in ‘untarnished’, he wants her to be saved the way he couldn’t.

He doesn’t want Asirpa tainted by Ogata’s death, he doesn’t want her to become a killer. It’s not a matter of her remaining noble, of her keeping on believing killing is bad, but of her remaining untainted, unsullied by the action of killing.

Sugimoto won’t tell her ending a life is bad, just that the guilt that will come with doing it will make you feel bad, as if that guilt wasn’t tied to the wrongness of killing.

There’s a bizarre dichotomy in Sugimoto. He agonizes over his kills, over how he couldn’t go back to his own old self but, at the same time, he thinks killing is the best choice when something threatens him and tries to overcome his sense of guilt by telling himself those he kills are soulless creatures. Sugimoto can never go back to his own old self as long as he doesn’t accept killing is the wrong choice and that he had made a mistake, that he had been forced during war to make it, but that killing wasn’t right.

Of course since all this is hellish hard and people normally would need to go into therapy before realizing it, I get it’s not so easy for him but anyway, his belief that Asirpa doesn’t have to be tainted, explains his view.

3)

The next changes are in the words Sugimoto says to Asirpa after they watched the movie.

In the volume Sugimoto reports Wilk’s words correctly instead of just his own interpretation. Now… this is better on a storytelling level. In media there’s the recurring trope that, if a character has to report the words of another, he’ll quote him word by word and if he doesn’t he’s trying to hide something. In the real world of course it doesn’t work like that, more often than not we don’t remember words that exactly however, as this is a media, Sugimoto not quoting Wilk in the magazine, gave me a bad impression, as if he were trying to push on Asirpa a falsehood or, at least, a biased information so the change is definitely an improvement in Sugimoto’s favor.

Sugimoto in the volume also better explained how things went with Kiro.

In the magazine it sounded as if Kiro died to push Asirpa to fight… when Kiro actually had no intention to die in the first place as he very clearly was murdered against his will.

In the volume version Sugimoto gives a better account of how things went but the implication is that, along with Wilk who forcibly pulled Asirpa in the gold fight, Kiro also took Asirpa to Karafuto to have her remember the code and paid this act with his life but, doing so, pushed her to think Asirpa has to fight for what she wants to protect.

This is more what had happened although the implication is that Kiro’s actions were forceful and moved by the will to drag Asirpa into that battle... when Asirpa actually wanted to remember the code and willingly followed Kiro because THAT WAS THE PLAN, should things go bad. Actually, hadn’t he been shoot, Sugimoto would have gone to Karafuto with her as well.

Ultimately is clear that Sugimoto is telling the fact through his visions as his summary ‘stand at the head of the Ainu and die’ and ‘fight and kill people’ aren’t exactly what Wilk and Kiro told her to do.

Wilk in particular never said she had to die… and Kiro didn’t tell her to kill people.

Sugimoto interprets their words and actions as such and, while in the magazine he said just this was what they were telling her, now he says with those words they’re casting a curse on her.

This new choice of words implies even more than the previous how negatively Sugimoto sees their actions but also kind of undervalues Asirpa’s ability to decide for herself and, more importantly, doesn’t offer any other way to protect what Asirpa wants to protect, nor admits his own role into dragging her in that gold battle as HE is the one who started Asirpa’s involvement.

In light of the changes of Sugimoto’s sentence in chap 203, it’s clear that although Sugimoto in the past commented Wilk’s cause was just, he prioritizes preserving Asirpa’s purity. Someone has to fight but it doesn’t have to be Asirpa who’ll fight to protect what she’ll care about and it’s clear Sugimoto isn’t saying this just because Asirpa is young or female. He doesn’t want her involved but he doesn’t offer any other solution from saying ‘I’ll do it’ to ‘you can protect the Ainu in another way’.

It’s more a ‘give up on protecting the Ainu and protect your purity instead or you’ll regret it’, that fails to see the problem that Asirpa is an Ainu and by protecting Ainu she’s also protecting herself.

So overall the changes made Sugimoto more sincere but didn’t really change him much even if now it’s more clear he was trying to preserve Asirpa’s purity not because her existence washed away his sins but because he saw himself in her.

Although he would chose something different for Asirpa, overall his way to go at it is the same as Wilk.

Both he and Wilk saw Asirpa as a version of themselves and both tried to force her on the path they preferred without asking about Asirpa’s opinion.

To Sugimoto’s defense it can be said his own seems safe, but only in a superficial way, as he actually plans to hand her to Tsurumi, which would be very unsafe for Asirpa, although in a way that’s different from taking part to a war.

4)

Another important change in the volume is that while in the magazine, when Asirpa claimed she worried for the Ainu Sugimoto didn’t reply, now he does. However it’s clearly something he’s not really believing. His eyes are completely black, and at first he hesitated and turned his gaze away from her when replying Tsurumi doesn’t want the Ainu as enemies but as a workforce, continuing they’ve overwhelming advantage over Tsurumi so he’ll do as Asirpa demands.

Now… while it’s good he answered his answer is… well, pretty farfetched and misleading.

Although Ainu in Hokkaido back then were 15,000 this count included old men, women and children.

The only things Tsurumi might need the Ainu for are as extra troops for his army or as workers in his weapon and opium factories. This would mean the Ainu would have to drop their lifestyle, which Asirpa wanted to preserve, to become soldiers or factory workers (never mentioning factories would pollute nature damaging Ainu environment fundamental to hunt or fish) or, in case of the females, wives of Japanese, otherwise they’ve no use for him, it’s not like Ainu are producing something fundamental for Tsurumi he can’t get rid of them.

Sugimoto either knows his own is a lie (or, if you prefer, a very misleading answer) or he’s seriously deluding himself.

He then goes on claiming since Asirpa is the only one who can solve the code, they’ve overwhelming advantage so Tsurumi should just obey her.

This also is completely wrong.

First of all it he can’t be sure the tattooed code couldn’t be solved without Asirpa as he has not the slightest idea how the code works. Tsurumi could get code breakers to solve it or maybe figure it out on his own for all Sugimoto knows. Other codes were cracked after all, and we’ve no idea how versed Wilk is in making codes. Just because Sugimoto doesn’t know how to crack it, it doesn’t mean no one can.

But the real problem here is once Tsurumi has Asirpa he can very well torture her to force her to tell him the code, or just threaten her by telling her he’ll kill one Ainu after the other until she doesn’t talk.

And if Asirpa gives him a wrong key to the code he can just resume torturing.

After all we were shown in this exact volume how Tsurumi coerced Ariko into cooperating.

Sugimoto can’t be unaware of this as Tsurumi imprisoned and tortured him too and Tsurumi has, differently from him, the means to carry it on.

So while Sugimoto would never torture Asirpa and might not manage to force Boutarou to talk, Tsurumi has plenty of means to torture Asirpa and plenty of time and if she gives him a wrong answer it’ll only slow him down a little.

The changes in the volume, which show how Tsurumi in truth never planned to get her cooperation but just to imprison her and postpone worrying about the code after he got the tattoo add to this.

Noda wanted us to be extremely sure Sugimoto’s choice to entrust Asirpa to Tsurumi was wrong, wasn’t moved by great ideals or sense of responsibility but merely by personal feelings.

5)

We’ve another moment that’s changed and that’s when Shiraishi questions Sugimoto, asking him if he really thinks Tsurumi will care about the Ainu. Sugimoto is surprised by being questioned but also nervous (he’s sweating), yet his reply is ‘Dōiu imida?’ (どういう意味だ？) “What do you mean?” however this isn’t only used in the sense of ‘I hadn’t understood you’ but in the sense of ‘What are you implying?’ and in the sense of ‘what in the world are you saying?’

Shiraishi was accusing Sugimoto with his question, basically asking him if he’s stupid, delusional or a liar when he’s saying Tsurumi would care about the Ainu. Honestly I hope this will be developed further in the next volume but, for now I think Sugimoto is probably being neither of the three. He’s actually being dismissive about the Ainu.

When Asirpa questioned him it’s clear his first worry is Asirpa, in fact in his reasoning he didn’t consider the Ainu at all.

“Nobody will come after you.” Which match with his previous “It doesn’t have to be you (who’ll fight).”

When he’s pressured by Asirpa ABOUT THE AINU, he likely replied the first thing that came to his mind that would reassure her and make her play along. There’s not Sugimoto’s heart in that answer, it’s just a way to reassure Asirpa (hence the ‘dead eyes’ and him avoiding her gaze).

Sugimoto claimed he didn’t care about what Tsurumi plans to do with Hokkaido, implying also he didn’t know what this thing is.

However if he were to care about the Ainu he should care about what Tsurumi wants to do because it would affect the Ainu and this something Tsurumi plans to do, as far as he knows, could be everything, from world peace to Ainu extermination. This is relevant.

His words are basically words said to push Asirpa to accept but they’re based over nothing. Sugimoto hasn’t asked himself what Tsurumi would do with the Ainu and doesn’t care, he cares about protecting Asirpa but Asirpa is an Ainu so he’s hugely missing the point.

6)

Another minor change.

After Tanigaki suggests Asirpa to ask Tsurumi to go visit her grandmother, Sugimoto tells her it’ll go well. This is a call back to the talk they had in chap 192, when Asirpa pointed out how she didn’t believe Tsurumi would allow her to see her grandmother and Sugimoto (in the volume version, in the magazine version he agreed with her) insisted that Tsurumi would let her do it.

Basically Sugimoto’s words are again aimed at reassuring Asirpa so she’ll play along with the plan… with Noda immediately informing us that no, Tsurumi won’t let her see her grandmother, Tsurumi tells Usami he’ll plan to hide her in a basement with no windows or furniture for all the time it’ll need him to crack the code, even several years if that will be the case.

7)

The following change isn’t a change to be honest but an addition and sadly it’s not about something Sugimoto does or say, but about the chat Tsurumi has with Asirpa, during which Sugimoto will look at first a bit surprised and then sweat but won’t comment not even once. And this is really terrible because although it became clear Tsurumi wanted to rip Asirpa from him and Shiraishi and hid her and, since he didn’t even bother to lie about where he was taking her, it probably was nowhere good and, if she couldn’t be with her friends it’s even more clear she couldn’t be with her grandmother, Sugimoto says nothing.

It’s Asirpa who questions Tsurumi, if she hadn’t, Sugimoto would have let him just take her away.

There’s an expression we use in my country to imply that a person in order to keep another safe, doesn’t want to allow that person to get in contact with anything and is ‘to put someone under a glass bell’.

Basically this is what Sugimoto wishes for Asirpa. As long as Tsurumi doesn’t ask her to murder, even if he keeps her jailed, he’s fine with it.

It gets worse.

Tsurumi, instead than trying to manipulate Asirpa into being obedient with lies, ends up on arguing with her, clearly showing he has not benevolent feelings and creeping out even his own men. Sugimoto still does nothing, he doesn’t try to defend Asirpa saying ‘no, she’s not going to wage war like Wilk, she’s a peaceful person’ nor, apparently consider walking back from that deal.

But sadly this is still not the end of it.

When Asirpa tells him she’ll chose her own destiny, in the magazine Sugimoto was first surprised then smiled.

Here instead he’s visibly more anxious, sweating, his eyes thinning slightly (in the magazine they widens) as he chews his lips for ultimately agreeing with her with a nod… that’s clearly without the smile he had in the magazine.

Sugimoto is not happy with Asirpa’s decision. He bows to it to remain her partner but he would have let her in Tsurumi’s care.

8)

There’s another change, even if it’s hard to spot. At the very end in the volume Asirpa says that between going back to her Kotan and waging war to protect the Ainu there’s only a choice she can take, implying she’ll wage war to protect the Ainu. Therefore her words about wanting Sugimoto to say something optimistic like ‘let’s do this together’ tie to ‘wage war to protect the Ainu’.

Sugimoto’s reply though is unchanged. He says ‘let’s find the gold by themselves’ but this doesn’t imply his future involvement in the Ainu protection.

It can be something that will be developed further in the volume version but, for now, this volume set up firmly several points about Sugimoto.

His plan to protect Asirpa from killing by entrusting her to Tsurumi was the WORST POSSIBLE IDEA he could have. I’m aware many thought that since it would be terrible for a child like Asirpa to murder people, this seemed a good plan but, actually, it’s just another type of horror.

Sugimoto, differently from Asirpa, is not interested in the future of the Ainu at all. He acknowledges their cause might not be wrong but overall, as he said to Wilk, they should just keep quiet and do what they’re told to do so as not to cause a civil war. Or maybe change lifestyle and serve in Tsurumi’s army and factory.

Sugimoto’s interests as stated in this volume are therefore: find the gold, protect Asirpa from murdering and murder Ogata.

There’s also something I should have noticed earlier when watching chap 211 but that I missed and that was actually noticeable also when the chapter was released on the magazine.

The argument between Sugimoto and Shiraishi parallels another argument they had, in chap 62.

Back then Shiraishi suggested they would just take advantage of Inkarmat’s magic ability of predicting the winner of a race to get the money they both needed without running around risking their lives.

Sugimoto claimed he couldn’t do so because it would mean to tell Asirpa to fend for herself… in short to go to Abashiri on her own to discover the truth about her father (on a completely unrelated note can you see Wakayama and Nakazawa behind him?).

While Sugimoto’s words are painted as noble it’s worth to note that, as Shiraishi pointed out, going there meant to risk their lives and it’s Sugimoto who involved Asirpa in the gold hunt and is not even considering telling her ‘Asirpa, is dangerous, you should go back home’ in an attempt to persuade her to give up. In short he’s not prioritizing her safety but HER WISH, or so he says.

In chap 211 Shiraishi turns the argument against Sugimoto.

He points out he keeps on saying he is doing it for Asirpa but it turns out he hasn’t given up on the money, in fact he had made an agreement to get the money. Asirpa has made clear she wants, same as when she wanted to go to Abashiri, know the truth about her father but handing the code to Tsurumi doesn’t insure she’ll get what she wants.

In short this time Sugimoto is prioritizing his own wishes, getting the money and keeping Asirpa pure (which isn’t even ensuring her safety) while Shiraishi points out how Asirpa has grown for that time and, instead than deciding for her he should support her, and how Sugimoto’s decision might not even protect her.

Now… just to clear things up.

I don’t think Sugimoto is doing what he’s doing because he’s evil or something like that. But he’s taking wrong choices under the guise of doing something good for Asirpa.

By doing him do this and remaking he’s doing this, Noda is telling us that Sugimoto isn’t the classic Shonen hero whose decisions, even the most controversial ones, either ultimately work out greatly (think to how Goku spared Piccolo and Vegeta and they turned out to be allies) or are immediately set right (when Goku spares Freezer and Freezer betrays him Goku immediately kills him… well, tries to as Freezer will survive) or, at least, immediately pointed as wrong (Goku’s plan to have Gohan fight Cell without warning him is quickly denounced as dumb by Piccolo).

Sugimoto’s decision was bad, very much so, but he took it in vol 14 and we had to wait till vol 21 to see how bad it was and it’s not even Sugimoto who acknowledges ‘ops, I made a mistake’ when Shiraishi warns him and fixes things or tries to but it’s Tsurumi who screws up while it’s Asirpa who fixes things.

Long story short, just because Sugimoto has the ‘main character’s status’, it doesn’t mean he’s always right or that he’s always doing good. He screws up like any of us.

Noda didn’t want us to despise Sugimoto, just remind us that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and if you aren’t careful you might screw up beyond belief.

TSURUMI

Actually there are no changes regarding Tsurumi, there are additions.

1 & 2)

We learn contrary to what Sugimoto and Tanigaki thought Tsurumi had no intention to let Asirpa some measure of freedom, he just wanted to keep her trapped until he were to solve the code. We also learn he planned to part her from Sugimoto and Shiraishi as soon as possible.

Honestly I’m not particularly surprised by this and I don’t think Noda made us aware of this to point out that Tsurumi is a jerk. The chapters with Ariko but also the one in which he cut Nikaido’s ear or murdered Wada or have Ogata kill Hanazawa or kidnapped Koito, should have told us Tsurumi would do everything to get what he wants. He wants the code and he doesn’t want others to get it. Of course the safest way it to keep Asirpa trapped in a place where nobody can find her and get that info from her.

Also, as long as he hadn’t checked the info, even if she were to tell him the code, he could never be sure she had been sincere, hence the jailing.

The changes in the volume version though, only remarks what was already pointed out. Tsurumi doesn’t come out worse or better, he just confirms his modus operandi.

3)

Tsurumi has a giant size grudge toward Wilk, seeing Asirpa immediately causes him a beyond strong emotion that causes him to leak brain fluid like crazy and the fact she reminds him of her father only causes him to lose his cool, stop attempting to manipulate her and attack her verbally, claiming Ainu wanted to kill Japanese and she’s going to follow her father’s footsteps, a flashback implying Tsurumi believes Wilk might be responsible for Funa and Olga’s death.

This is all new material for Tsurumi. We knew Tsurumi knew Wilk but in the magazine it wasn’t shown Wilk shoot, it was something that was added in the volume, and anyway, as Sofia blamed herself, it was assumed it could be her who murdered Sofia and Olga.

Instead he suspects Wilk and he seems very hung up on his loss, to the point he loses it in front of Wilk’s completely innocent daughter who, however, got to grow up differently from his own.

This definitely adds quite a big load of new meaning to Tsurumi’s actions.

On another side I’ve always wondered if the loss of Tsurumi’s brain fluid is mean to imply an orgasm or him crying. I think Tsurumi is so messed up in him pain and pleasure conflated and, in a way, it’s both. But it might be just me.

Well, this is all for the comments to the volume version. Sorry if it was a bit late.

[lilithpooped]

Interest - Jeong Yunho

A/n: Brother! Wooyoung ,,, and thank you for requsting this. I’m sorry it took too long for me to write but I had some stuff going on for me so I wasn’t there for a while. Anyways!!!!! I hope you like it, feel free to criticise! <3<3<3<3<3

Requested by: @midzyatiny

Warnings: Implied sex

A glass of some drink in your hand, bopping to the loud music, you looked for your best friend you came to the party with. It was pretty hard to find her due to the deafening music and the crowd in the place but you somehow managed it.

“Oh my god, where have you been y/n?!” She asked you smiling and not being able to focus in your eyes. She was drunk, you could at least say that much looking at her almost liquid form in front of you.

“Let’s get you out of here.” You said in a somehow normal voice in spite of the willies inside you.

“WHAT?”

“LET’S GET YOU OUT OF HERE!” You got closer to her ear and held her arm but she suddenly held back, leaving your hand empty.

“NOOO, I MET A GUY. I’M GOING WITH HIM.” She said laughing carelessly.

No, not again, you thought pitying yourself. That was not the first time this was happening and you had had to get her out of so many troubles before, so you at least wanted to make sure who that boy was this time.

“AND WHO IS THAT GUY?” You asked praying for him to not be one of those first year party predators.

“HE’S THERE, SEE?” She pointed to some tall boy coming through you with drinks in his hands.

“Y/BFF/N, I REALLY THINK WE SHOULD GO NOW.” You tried again.

“NOOO, YOU GO. I’M WITH HIM. BYEE!” Like that, she grabbed one of the drinks in his hands and dragged him to somewhere deep in the crowd, leaving behind a dumbfounded you. You sighed to yourself, facepalming and cursing at her inside. Right when you thought of leaving the place alone you heard someone yelling at you.

“HEY!” You turned to the source of the voice. A handsome and tall boy with beautiful dark eyes, straight black messy hair covering half of his eyes that were staring at you.

“WHAT?” You yelled back, now slowly finding the loud music annoying.

“DON’T WORRY HE’S A GOOD GUY.”

“AND WHO ARE YOU?”

“I’M- CAN WE GO TO A QUIETER PLACE IF THIS CONVERSATION WILL GO ON?”

You considered going to some quieter place with this stranger who looks safe but of course you could never know. If it weren’t for the alcohol in your system, you probably wouldn’t have accepted his request -especially not just to learn about the boy your friend has gone with- but not being sober enough, you just looked at him cautiously and nodded.

“OKAY THERE’S A BALCONY UPSTAIRS, LET’S GO THERE.” He said putting his hand on your arm and slowly directing you towards the stairs. Not wanting to lose him in the crowd you just let him touch you for this time. Going up the stairs, he directed you towards a room back at the house. He knocked on the door and listened if there were people inside but not hearing any voice, he opened it and invited you too after going in.

“Here, the door to the balcony is there, come in.”

The party music was still loud from where you were but not as much as before so he didn’t feel the need to shout.

Thinking about it twice, you decided to enter the room. What could have possibly gone wrong anyway? If things were to go to somewhere, at least he was hot enough for you to not regret it later.

After you got in, he locked the door behind you, letting your arm go. Feeling not secure, you looked at him, asking why did he do that with your eyes.

“Oh, I didn’t want anyone else in this room. I kinda get sick of people after some time. But if it makes you uncomfortable we can just unlock it, don’t worry I’m just here to sit in peace.”

“Why am I here, then?”

“Um, I was going to tell you about my friend so you could relax but I guess I dragged you with me here.” He answered, giggling shyly and plopping himself on the couch resting in the middle of the room unnecessarily. You thought he looked cute. His eyes shining, cheeks and tip of his nose is a rosy color from alcohol, lips plump and pink, a lock of hair covering his left eye.Okay, he was definitely too cute for you to not fall for and with the help of the alcohol in your blood, you got closer to him, reached your hand to push that one lock of hair from in front of his eye which was annoying you and stayed eyeing him like that for a while. When you realized what have you done, it was like you were trying to hold some boiled oil in your hands.

“OH shoot- oh I’m so sorry, I just- I - I JUST-“

Smile now gone from his beautiful face, he answered you, trying to hide any sign of shyness.

“Oh- It’s okay I MEAN It’s just, OKay, No need to APoloGize-“

“Yeah-“

“OH, we were talking about my friend. Isn’t it kinda hot here? Let’s go to the balcony.” He said leaving the couch, not waiting for you to go first.

You followed him to the balcony, an empty cup still in your hand. The balcony was really small so when he sat down on the floor, he put his legs between the iron bars and swang them through the air like a child.

“You were telling me about your friend.” You reminded, realizing he’s also not that sober.

“Ah, yes yes. Won’t you come and sit?” He patted to the floor beside him. Not knowing if this is a good idea, you still sat beside him and did the same thing with your legs. Turning your face to him, you realized he was really close. Perfect skin, beautiful shaped nose, perfect lips-

“My friend, Mingi, he likes your friend for a while now, so you can relax. He won’t harm her in any way.” He said without looking at you.

“Oh, wow wow stop there. How do you and your friend know who my friend is?”

“They are taking the same classes and he’s really into her so we all know her because of him I guess.”

“Oh, who are you? A gang?” You asked as a response to his words with sarcasm.

“Ahahaha, no, let’s call it a squad. We are in the basketball team and we all are close friends so that makes us a squad.” He looked at you while nodding his head. While looking at you he also realized you two were sitting pretty close to each other and he also realized he was not that sober. You were beautiful though.

“Oh, basketball team?? So I guess you know my brother.”

“Your brother? Who is your brother?” He asked. Yes he asked but something about your face was really distracting him so he actually couldn’t hear what you say, getting caught up in the movements of your lips.

“E-excuse me who did you say it was?” He asked again when he realized you have already said a name and were waiting his response.

“Wooyoung, you know? Jung Wooyoung.”

“OH MY GOD are you Wooyoung’s sister? He’s gonna kill me..”

“Why would he-“ your words were cut by two soft lips touching yours in a naive but exciting way.

Suddenly closing your eyes as a reflect, you gave in to the kiss and responded with your own lips’ movements. Too lost to turn back now, he put his hand on your cheek and took the kiss to a deeper state. Only leaving your lips for a small breath, he wasn’t sure how he successfully said the next words.

“Is it okay?”

—————————

Next day you woke up to an unwelcomed headache effecting your sight and making you wanna throw up. After what felt like infinity while you sat up on the bed, your sight finally cleared up and you started to look at your surroundings. A couch at the end of the bed, a door to a small balcony,

Balcony.

The pictures on the walls, a guy next to you.

A guy.

When you remembered what happened last night, you felt your heart drop to your stomach and your eyes popping out.

Okay, should I wait for him to wake up? What was his name? He looks so cute though. What was his name? Should I leave while he’s sleeping? His name, his name.. Maybe I should just leave.

Making your decision, you got off the bed trying not to wake the cute boy up. You put on your clothes from yesterday and left the room in the fastest way possible. You looked down at your phone and saw that you still had time for your classes so it was better for you to go back to your shared home with Wooyoung and take a shower.

What if he asks me where I was? Okay, just tell him that you were with y/bff/n. Studying. Studying? No he wouldn’t believe that. Just say you were watching a movie. Yes. Girls’ night.

Like that, you left for your home.

———————————

“Hi bro, I’m back.”

“Oh, hi Ms. nowhere to be found!”

You rolled your eyes at his sarcasm.

“I’m here Wooyoung.”

“I know, I can see. But last night you weren’t.”

“But right now I am?”

“Don’t act stupid, y/n. Where were you? I tried calling you hundreds of times.”

“I was at y/bff/n, watching movies, trying to help her with boy problems, you know, classic girls’ night.”

“Yeah, like I would believe this is your ‘classic girls’ night’. Anyways, I have to go to the training. I don’t have time for you. I’m just glad you’ve come home alive.”

He stood up from the table he was sitting and eating his cereal.

“What training, since when are you training for things?”

“You know I’m in the basketball team. We have a game tomorrow and I must be in my best shape. Also, the boys decided on that training thing by majority so I have no say on this.”

Training.. Basketball.. Boys.. OH MY GOD MINGI??? YUNHO????

Finally remembering the cute boy’s and his friend’s name, a sudden anxiety covered you as you watched your brother walk through the door.

OH MY GOD, WHAT IF HE LEARNS?!! HE’LL BE SO PISSED AT ME, OH MY GOD I SHOULD DO SOMETHING!

“HEY! I mean, Wooyoung, umm-“

“If you’re gonna ask for pocket money, I left some on the drawer next to your bed. Mom sent it so make sure to thank her. I’m out!”

Talking in one breath, he didn’t even let you talk to him, let alone stopping him from going.

OH FUCK FUCK FUCK WHAT AM I GONNA DO?!?! Call y/bff/n, she knows she knows she knows she knows.....

Wishing to yourself that she knows a way to get you out of this situation, you took your cellphone again and called her. Or.. Let’s say you tried calling her. Because no matter how many times you tried, her phone was off and there were nothing you could do about it. Feeling exhausted and worried, you went to your bedroom and plopped on your bed, still holding your phone in your hand, waiting a sign from your best friend.

———————

Feeling vibrations on your chest, you opened your eyes, realizing you had fallen asleep and it was your phone ringing. Without even bothering to look at who that was, you answered the call.

“Y/N TELL ME ALL ABOUT IT!!” Your best friend’s scream rang in your brain.

“Oh my god please don’t scream! Tell you Bout what?”

“That tall guy, Mingi’s friend, he asked for your number!!! Oh my god, you should tell me all about it!!!! NOW!!!”

“Wait wait wait, where did he see you? Did he tell you why does he want my number? What did he tell you? What do you know? Did you give him my number?”

“Okay okay look, this morning Mingi said he had basketball training with the team and I told him about Wooyoung and you and he told me that he saw you yesterday, going upstairs with Yunho. So I asked about who Yunho is and apparently they are best friends, they all are! And he then called Yunho and asked him to meet with us before the training and Yunho, Mingi and I had breakfast together and Yunho asked me if I could give him your number and I told him that I can’t without asking you and he just thanked me then they went to that training.”

“Oh my god, you and Mingi are so a thing right now, aren’t you? Thank you for not ggiving out my number I love you I’ll call you back! Muah!”

You ended the call without giving her enough time to process what’s happening, so you turned your phone off and throw it on bed somewhere.

Why could he possibly ask for your number? Okay he was cute. You actually remembered growing an interest in him at some point of the night but why would he ask for your number? It wasn’t like he wanted to repeat that night, was it?

What class was he in? Wait, class? OH MY GOD I MISSED THE CLASS!

Kicking the bed you lay in out of frustration and some kind of weird excitement, you took the pillow from under your head and put it on your face.

What should I do? Why am I so excited? Why did he ask for my number? OH MY GOD, Y/N, just go take a shower and cool down. It was just a one night thing!

After ten minutes which felt more like ten years, you stood up from bed and went to take a “think and decide” shower.

After that long shower, it was now decided that you would forget about that guy (which was your brother’s teammate - a very strong reason for your decision -) and move on without even waving at him if you ever see him again.

You got out of shower, too lazy to look at your messy closet for a shirt and you just went with the easy way; which was wearing from Wooyoung’s always clean and tidy closet.

I have never seen that shirt, wow. It looks comfy. Isn’t it kinda large for Wooyoung? Anyways I’m stealing it.

You put on a shirt and went to bathroom to blow dry your hair. Maybe it was because of the blow dryer’s sound that you didn’t hear the door opening and went on with drying your hair. After you’re done with your hair, you put it in a messy bun which did not look any of the beautiful messy buns you’ve seen online and left the bathroom to see two boys standing there and staring at you, one looking very confused and surprised at your sight while the other -who is also your brother- looking desperate.

Oh my god. NO!

“FOR GOD’S SAKE Y/N, I was about to pee my pants, GET OUT OF MY WAY!” Wooyoung yelled at you, throwing you out of the way while running trough the bathroom and leaving a still surprised Yunho and you alone.

You felt Yunho eyeing you from head to toe before trying to greet you.

“H-Hey,” he stuttered.

“Ah, hey.” You answered.

“Why didn’t you wake me up this morning?”

“I-I.. Shh, walls are pretty thin here, we don’t want Wooyoung to hear it, do we?!”

“Yeah- yes. Umm.. I was here to take my shirt back from Wooyoung but I guess I can’t have it back today..” he said, again looking at the shirt on you.

“Oh, Umm, I’m sorry. Was it yours?! I didn’t know,, I can give it back to you, it’s still clean, I just took a shower-“

“No, no you can keep it. Looks good on you.”

You blushed from the sudden compliment and smiled shyly.

“A-umm- is that so? Thank you, I’ll wash it and give it to Wooyoung tomorrow so he can hand it back to you-“

“No no as I said, you can keep it. Besides.. I guess I would prefer you handing it back to me if someone’s gonna do it. I- I would love to see you again..” Now he was the one blushing. “And you look really pretty in it..”

“T-thank you.”

“When can we-“

His words got cut by Wooyoung entering the room again.

“Oh, y/n! Take that shirt off and wear something else, it’s Yunho’s. I was gonna give it back to him.”

“Yes he told me, umm, I’m gonna wash it again and hand it back to him.”

“To him? When are you gonna see him again y/n? Just give it to him now.”

“No, no she can keep it. You know, it’s okay.” This time it was Yunho answering Wooyoung.

“What- Man you literally ate my brain saying this shirt is your favorite and lucky shirt and you wanted it back. Now you’re letting her keep it? You know you won’t be able to take it back if you gove it to her. I mean when are you gonna see each other again?”

You and Yunho got eye to eye and you both stuttered.

“I-“

“We-“

Then Yunho took the lead and said:

“She can keep it, anyways I have to go. See you later.”

“Ya, see you.” You and Wooyoung answered at the same time and that made Wooyoung look at you in a sudden and foxy manner.

“Don’t look at me like that, I meant it for you two.” You tried to save it by playing dumb and turned around after Yunho got out of the door hurriedly. Taking your first step through your bedroom’s door, what you heard stopped your tracks and made you felt like a bucket of boiled water is running down your head.

“I know about you and Yunho.”

You turned back to face Wooyoung so fast that you almost lost your balance.

“WHAT? I- I meant about what???”

“Don’t play the fool, y/n. Mingi told me all about it.”

“I-I..”

“It’s okay, just don’t lie to me ever again.”

“Aren’t you pissed?”

“Oh, you bet I am.. But I won’t get in your way. I’m doing this only because Mingi told me about how Yunho feels about you for a while.”

“For a while?”

“Yes, didn’t you know?”

“Didn’t I know what Wooyoung? Apparently I don’t know so What about telling me?”

“Mingi said Yunho had a crush on you for a while now and that was why he used Mingi and his crush -which is your bff- as an excuse to get to know you. You know, I’m very NOT pleased about this and the fact that my teammate and my sister did something yesterday but if you also like him, then I won’t do anything. Just don’t let Yunho know that I know about you. I don’t want our friendship to be ruined if anything happens between you two. Act like I don’t know anything, okay? And.. If you don’t like him, just don’t ever see him again.”

Wooyoung knows.. WOOYOUNG KNOWS?! YUNHO HAS A THING FOR ME?! Wait. I don’t know him yet.. WHAT IS HAPPENING FOR FUCKS SAKE!?!

“Wooyoung, you know, I don’t know anything about Yunho, I-“

“I guess you already know too much about him, to be honest.” He said implying sarcasm.

“Oh god, shut up!”

“Do whatever you want but just don’t get me involved y/n.” He said and turned his back to you, walking to his own room.

“Wooyoung-, you know,, thank you.”

“Yeah.” He went to his room, closing the door behind.

You also turned back to your room, searching for your phone to text to your best friend as soon as possible about all of it. When you finally found your phone, the notification of some message from an unknown number made your heart jump to your ears from excitement.

“Hey, it’s Yunho. I got your number from Yeosang. Apparently you two know each other. I was going to ask you if you’d like to meet again sometime. Not insisting though, just wanted to try my luck, i guess.”

You could imagine his face getting all red while texting this, memories coming back from the party last night. You were about to answer when your phone vibrated again with a new message.

“It’s totally okay if you don’t want to though. I’m sorry if that’s uncomfortable for you I can delete your number.”

“Hi Yunho, yes Yeosang is our childhood friend. And, you can keep my number. I’d also like to see you again :)”

You locked your phone screen, letting yourself fall on your bed with some beautiful feelings blooming inside you.

Well, for Yunho, it was one of the best and the worst days of his life knowing you’re also interested in him but also knowing he would have to talk to Wooyoung about it at sone point if things were to go somewhere...

------------------

Masterlist

[cryptovalid]

Watchmen: My favorite show of 2019

Now that I’ve watched HBO’s Watchmen in its entirety, I can safely say that it is by far my favorite show I’ve seen this year. The more I think about it though, the less it seems to offer a coherent statement about vigilantism, power and violence the way the original graphic novel did. I don’t think this makes it any less clever, bold or satisfying to watch, but Watchmen is more interested in playing with the weight and drama of themes than actually expressing a clear, useful thesis about them.

The show is a sequel to the graphic novel, taking place in 2019, when the fallout from the 1987 story finally comes home to roost. 

To give you some more context, I’ll be talking about Alan Moore’s 1986-1987 maxiseries of comics first, and then comparing it to the new television series narratively. In terms of acting and production values, I’d say that the show is great across the board, although your mileage may vary. This is doubly true of its narrative: I’m curious if the show is too confusing for people who’ve never read the comic, and the show doesn’t show a lot of reverence for the characters of the original. In my opinion, this is for the best and actually completely in the spirit of Alan Moore’s work. From here on out, There be Spoilers for the comic, movie and the tv series.

Watchmen (1987) by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons is by far my absolute favorite superhero comic. It is the only graphic novel to be named as one of Time’s 100 best novels of the twentieth century. It’s certainly not true that it is the only graphic novel that deserves that kind of honor, but it is not on that list for bad reasons. This post would be too long if I listed all of Watchmen’s many achievements, so I will just say this: Watchmen investigates how the existence of masked vigilantes and superheroes would change the real world, and its answer is not positive. No matter how you slice it, in order to inflict violence on strangers or save the world based purely on your own moral compass, you have to be either hopelessly naive or narcissistic, sadistic, fascistic, fetishist, manic, or untethered from human experience in one way or the other. However you imagine them, superheroes escalate danger. They are not cooperative or peace-loving by their nature, the comic says. ‘Superheroes’ will do terrible things in the name of ‘saving the world’ or ‘doing the right thing’. In this sense, the book is thoroughly anti-utopian but also anti-superhero, and it commits to this by depicting all of its ‘protagonists’ as deeply flawed, ultimately dangerous or inept people. 

In terms of plot, the big twist that effects the show is that the smartest man in the world, the vigilante Ozymandias, predicts that nuclear armageddon is inevitable unless he convinces the global superpowers that there is a massive alien threat, making their feuds appear petty and risky by comparison. He literally kills millions of people with a genetically engineered giant monster that he teleports to New York, not including the dozens of murders to prepare the ground and cover up this fact. The fear that more monsters like this could appear prevents nuclear war at the last second, but another vigilante named Rorshach figured out Ozymandias’ plan and wanted to expose it, which would undo its intended peacemaking effect. He was killed, but his notes survived.  

In the end, the only vigilante with actual superpowers, Dr. Manhattan, is so far removed from human experience because of his godlike powers and his nonlinear perception of time, that he seems to retreat from Earth itself, expressing a desire to create life elsewhere.      

This is the backdrop against which Watchmen (2019) frames itself: what would that alternate history look like about 20 years later? But instead of focusing on the evils that vigilantism and superpowers would create, this sequel puts race and policing at the core of its narrative. The main protagonists: Angela Abar, Will Reeves, Laurie Blake and Wade Tillman are all cops and all of them are at one point in their lives masked vigilantes. They are also pitted against white supremacist terrorists, and the show depicts them as regularly violating the constitutional rights of suspects and killing lots of people in justifiable situations. The show depicts both cops and civilians in both real and historical race riots.  

But the more I think about it, the less I can identify a coherent thesis about the origins or nature of racism or the morality of extra-judicial violence. It seems to say ‘violating a person’s human rights is alright as long as they’re racist’, and I mean, I can’t be too mad about that, but it also implies that the cops are basically good, that it is possible to root out specific racist conspiracies and that’s all that’s needed to set things right. There’s a definite assumption that most of the time, we can just trust cops to have integrity. The show rarely frames unmitigated violence as a systemic issue; even when the government is implicated. The protagonists are also relatable and sympathetic, and their victory against the white supremacist conspiracy is without any real moral complications or ironic personal costs. This show, unlike its source material, is pro-vigilante. Or at most neutral on the subject.   

Its message about racism is more straightforward, but also a little hollow. Racist violence is shown viscerally, but also roundly condemed, ridiculed, and avenged by the protagonists. But that’s really as deep as it goes. All racists in this show are openly and stereotypically Southern whites. There is very little exploration or covert or insidious racism: there is a clear divide between literal neo-KKK types and antiracist avengers, with little ambiguity in between. We are not really shown what drives racists to be racist. The most motivation racists are given is a resentment over two attempts at improving the world: Reparations for the Tulsa Massacre, and the aforementioned plot to stop the Cold War by faking extradimensional invasion. Not that I’m begging for a humane portrayal of racist terrorists, but it does make it extremely easy for actual, less obvious white supremacists to ignore any criticism because ‘at least they’re not like the Seventh Kavalery’. It in short, doesn’t give viewers any special insight into racism and how to deal with it in the real world.

What Watchmen does do beautifully is representation. The first masked vigilante, Hooded Justice, who in the comic was a clear reference to a Klansman, is reimagined as the victim of a threatened lynching, who fights his attackers still wearing the noose and hood they put on him. He then pretends to be white to gain the support and cover he needs to be a vigilante. This man, Will Reeves, named himself after his childhood hero, the historical inspiration for the Lone Ranger, Bass Reeves. As a child, he was smuggled out from the Bombing of Tulsa in the trunk of a carriage, much like Moses or Superman. We later discover that HJ is bisexual and is essentially strung along for years by the media-savvy Captain Metropolis for publicity purposes and sex, and ends up desillusioned by his white allies. We also learn that Angela Abar, the de facto main character, is in fact his granddaughter, and she becomes involved in his decades-spanning plans to root out the racist conspiracy that the plot revolves around.

Perhaps even more interesting is the decision to integrate Doctor Manhattan into this sequel as a jewish and a black man. Rather than simply recasting the part, the show frames the revelation in a way that Dr. Manhattan might experience it: out of order, but also clearly telegraphed. The show uses this to characterize Dr. Manhattan as someone whose decisions do not adhere to standard causality. Why does he start to woo Angela Abar in the first place? Because from his perspective, he’s always been in love with her. Just like nothing ever ends, it doesn’t really begin from his perspective either. One day, he walks into A Bar and starts explaining to Angela Abar that they will be in a relationship for ten years, which wil then end in tragedy. While she is understandably skeptical, Regina King and Yahya Abdul-Mateen II really manage to sell both the frustrating absurdity and the transcendant romance of this idea. In the end, Osterman chooses to take the shape of a dead man based purely on the fact that Angela is most attracted to, and goes to great lengths to lose is powers and become human again, as a black man named Calvin Abar, who we first meet as Angela’s charming stay-at-home husband and father to their adopted children. The fact that he is Dr. Manhattan all along is revealed to us in my favorite sequence in the whole show. We, the audience, fall in love with both the husband as well as the God, Jon Osterman, as both are vulnerable and honest about who they are. Even though everyone knows it can’t last. These scenes are both heartbreaking and beautiful, and are foreshadowed masterfully from the beginning. This is what I mean when I say the show is clever. 

The dialogue is witty and the cinematography, editing and plotting do a subtle job of worldbuilding. There are very few exposition dumps and characters rarely do or say things just to help the plot along; they are always driven by their own motivations rather than those the viewer might prefer in their hurry to learn more.

As a result, characters feel smart and their personalities and relationships develop more naturally. From Jeremy Irons’ Ozymandias to Hong Chau’s Lady Trieu to Jean Smart’s Laurie Blake, they all come across as clearly defined assholes with a charismatic competence.   

The world and its history also unfold at their own pace. This can be confusing in the first couple of episodes. It isn’t explained why cops wear masks, what ‘Redfordations’ are, or why squids rain from the sky often enough that a siren goes off whenever it happens. Instead, viewers piece a lot of it together from context. The details make it feel very believable. It makes me feel like I’m discovering an alternate history the way a lost time traveler might.

In the end, it is not the themes that make this version of Watchmen so enjoyable. Its the intricate details of its world and the interactions between its characters that make Watchmen 2019 so fun to watch. And as far as on the nose messages go, ‘vaporize as many racists as possible‘ isn’t that bad.  

[oddeyecadia]

bring color to my skies

also on ao3!

Orange and pink stretched far and wide as the sun set in the sky, clouds blushing at the warm touch of the sun. Under the blanket they were sitting in were soft sand that provided comforting warmth. Though, it wasn't enough to match the cold breeze.

Beach dates weren't exactly Pidge's favorite. She wasn't fond of having the sun kiss her sensitive skin or having sand hit her eyes every time she opened it.

But it was his favorite, and that was enough reason for her to risk having dust like dots everywhere on her skin just to prepare the perfect picnic date. (With Hunk's help, of course. Thank the universe he was on Earth that week.)

For him, she would risk everything.

Looking back at all the things the two of them had been through, from the intergalactic war to the darkness that came after, saying she would risk it all was far from an exaggeration.

"Thank you." Lance said.

"Huh?"

"For today." He was wearing that smile again. A smile that carried a thousand words.

"Did you have fun?" She turned to him, crossing her legs.

"Oh, hell yeah. Picnic, beach, sunset and you? All my favorites in one place!" He scooted closer to her, close enough that their shoulders were almost touching. She moved to close the gap. "Of course, I had fun."

She knew she did a great job, still, hearing him say it made her sigh in relief. "Good. You know, I haven't been on a proper date before so it was an extra challenge to prepare for one."

"Well, you did a sick job. I'm also very honored to be the brightest paladin's first ever date. Took you a while to ask me out, though."

She chuckled, trying to hide the weight of her next words. "Six years, yeah."

The smile on his face slowly faltered. His eyes widened, though, it never left hers.

It shouldn't had been a surprise. They had exchanged a variation of I like yous before but never the words themselves. Though, they hadn't done anything about it, about them.

Lance had assumed Pidge grew feelings for him the same time he started falling for her. His heart sunk to his stomach as he was proven wrong.

A beat of heavy silence passed before he spoke again. "Wow, I–" He took a deep breath. "Six years and you couldn't find even just a second to tell me."

This time, he looked away, turning back to the second most stunning view in the beach, the sunset.

She let out a small humorless laugh. "You and I both know that wouldn't be a good idea. Besides," Her head rested on his shoulders as she continued, voice coming out softer than it should. "I like what we have now."

Pidge closed her eyes as the breeze blew right through her shirt, but the man she loved all her life kept her from freezing as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Me too." He said. "We're... great."

Great.

Great friends? Friends weren't supposed to be kissing each other when they cuddle after one woke up from a nightmare.

Great lovers? Lovers weren't supposed to deny they were together whenever someone asked about them.

They weren't something, but they definitely weren't nothing.

They were happy and that was all that mattered.

"We are. I was scared we wouldn't be. I– I was scared of a lot of things..." She swallowed hard.

"Like what?" His hand played with her hair and she sighed with ease.

Pidge's mind just screamed at her not to speak but her mouth was stubborn. "For six years I've been scared of my own feelings. I was scared of wanting to be with a friend, of falling for someone who was devoted to another."

Brick by brick, her walls came tumbling down. The cold lump in her throat grew thicker and thicker, making it hard to speak.

"Quiznak, I'm not good at this." His lips touched her temple as soon as her voice cracked, a comforting gesture as well as an unspoken prompt for her to continue. "I was scared of hurting two people who were important to me, of rejection, of not being able to be as good as the literal savior of all universes."

Lifting her head up, she gazed at him. Deep blue eyes were all on her and warmth filled her chest. "But then you finally looked at me." She couldn't help but smile as the memory of Lance implying his feelings for the first time flashed through her mind.

"You matter to me. A lot."

Such simple words yet so heavenly to her ears.

"The fears were still there, but one of the last things Allura said to me was that I shouldn't stop being fearless. So, I finally took my shot."

For a second, she thought mentioning her name would strike something bleak in him. The soft look in his eyes said otherwise.

She didn't even notice she was crying until his thumb gently touched her cheek to wipe a tear.

Kissing her just under her eyes where the tear just ran down, he thanked all the gods in all the universe for the woman in front of him. "I'm glad you did."

He lost a lot because of the war. Loved ones, places that carried wonderful memories, and many more.

Including himself.

But then she came crashing back into his life, making him remember who he was, what he truly wanted to do with his life. Pidge found him at his worst yet she still saw the best in him and guided him to seeing it himself.

"You're too good for me." He breathed as he gently rested his forehead on hers. "I was planning on asking you out too, but I wanted to figure some things out first." She pulled away and tilted her head, her curious eyes encouraging him to elaborate.

He wet his lips. "I wanted to figure out if my feelings were real, if I really wanted you or if I only needed you to forget someone else cause god, you don't deserve to be treated like a rebound or anything like that." The marks under his eyes itched and he fought the urge to scratch them.

Ironically enough, being a rebound was, sadly, something he knew tons about.

One thing was for sure, he didn't blame Allura for it, he would never in his whole life blame her for anything. They both were naive teenagers in space who had nothing but each other.

Everything just felt right at that time.

What Lance and Allura had was real, but deep down he knew he was a second option. At some point, he was okay with that. As a desperate young man, of course, he'd take what she could give.

So blinded by the idea of them, he allowed it to rip him apart.

"I never want you to feel like you have to compare yourself to anyone. You're amazing. Has anyone ever told you that?"

Their faces were so close that he could see how the freckles on her face danced when she laughed. "You, actually. Multiple times."

"And I won't stop saying it, because you are." She smirked confidently with a shrug which he adored. "So amazing in fact that I also took my time to better myself. I realized before I can ask you out, I needed to be my best self first."

It was tough work, learning how to take care of himself again.

Every time he wanted to go back to one of his unhealthy habits, he would just look at her and his mind would be filled with nothing but uplifting thoughts, reminding him that he wasn't just doing this for her but also for himself.

So, he worked extremely hard to get that promotion in the Garrison– apparently being a paladin of Voltron wasn't an enough addition to his resume in order to get a higher rank. He started doing his skin care routine again, talked with all his friends, and just... learned how to bring his old self back but better.

Lance cupped her face gently, her cheeks warm in his hand. "I didn't wanna half ass anything because you deserve only the best." He leaned in a little closer, their foreheads resting against each other once again. "You deserve every universe, Katie Holt. I hope I'm enough for now, if you'll have me."

He looked at her as if the sunset wasn't right there and for a moment, it made her forget how to breathe.

Small waves crashed against the shore, but the sound was blocked by the loud beating of her heart.

"Dumbass, you're more than enough." she said in barely more than a whisper before closing the gap between their lips, and then the world fell away.

[dappersheep]

Oyster Study: Loyalties

Because it's an evident theme from the start, and since we have Oyster's backstory now available on top of the Oyster event (live as of this writing on CN and JP servers), I'm sharing up a character study I've been doing for a while.

This is, in no way, putting Spaghetti/Beer/insert FS here on a pedestal or giving them flak, but it is a study of what is pragmatic and plausible to happen given what we know of their personalities and chemistry.

Disclaimer: All my lore sources are translated materials (personal and outside) from the Oyster CN Wiki, Hinabes’ translation of the Oyster Event, amongst other volunteer sources and these may change in the future without warning.

Carry on after the line cut.

So "Loyalty" is a strong theme for Oyster. Most, if not all of the main content for him implies it in one way or another. And for all the obstacles thrown or offered to him to change allegiances, he still remains steadfast by choice.

Why is that? Why does he carry such a strong loyalty towards a person who is decidedly Not Good in the canon ‘verse of the lore and constantly refuses to abandon his loyalties? Honestly, there’s lots of factors that could give some light on that but know that I can’t speculate on all of it with just my perspective.

Before we get into the meat of things, we need to understand that Oyster knew what was happening with the business of Spaghetti over the course of his stay with them.

Oyster is also a smart Food Soul, with a sharp sense given that he notices shifts in moods and is perceptive when people keep information from him. He may be naive by Spaghetti's standards, but he isn't naive in that he is ignorant in comparison to Pizza, who copes by being optimistic to a fault, nor will Oyster believe everything and anything anyone says. This, I think, is his distrustful nature in play as wariness.

So he starts out distrustful due to severe neglect and his extremely unwanted presence by all the villagers, including his Master Attendant. Even Spaghetti was subjected to it when they met for the first time, and likely continued to be held in light doubt. This allows Oyster to carry a healthy note of skepticism, which in turn allows him to question Spaghetti’s motives and what Oyster is really there for.

Oyster wasn’t allowed to do anything more than trivial jobs for the longest time, despite him wanting to prove that he’s capable. Spaghetti refuses him each time, citing that ‘he’s not ready’ and ‘when you know the true darkness of this world.’

Why is this? How would Oyster be allowed to learn and get ready when he isn’t allowed to go on dangerous missions? This is probably a stretch comparison but, I figured it was Spaghetti taking care of his pawns in an indirect manner. Spaghetti knows Oyster is neglected and needs to adjust from social isolation to suddenly being surrounded by other people. Spaghetti himself is likely aware he is not the best person to be taking care of Oyster for obvious reasons, so more often than not, it was Borscht who handled and interacted with him.

Oyster needs time to learn to socialize without overwhelming him with tasks, allow him his own pacing so he doesn’t get stressed out and develop bad coping mechanisms. And even when Oyster thinks he is ready, Spaghetti is the one with the life experience and pretty much concludes, ‘No, you are not ready. Do not overestimate yourself.’

This repeated refusal would then likely put a wedge between him and Oyster, who might have been jealous that B52 got to escort Spaghetti. Regardless he knew very little about B52 or the real nature of the missions, all he wanted was to prove himself and pay back Spaghetti’s kindness for giving him a better home.

And even when B52 went missing, Spaghetti still refused to allow Oyster to escort him or do the hard missions despite the lack of manpower. Of course that’s going to go over so well with Oyster who is already getting frustrated with more refusals.

Borscht, who was more or less the missions giver of the team, was likely advised against giving him anything remotely arduous no matter how much he pleaded.

… Except we know she caved in. Thus Sakurajima happened, and would have turned very tragic hadn’t it been for Beer the Good Samaritan.

The experience allowed Oyster to see a different side to things, and also a step out of his comfort zone. He learned new things and that there are good fellows, other people he can learn to trust. But he knows he can’t just leave. Not out of fear of Spaghetti’s wrath, but that it would be a disservice to abandon him without saying a word.

Even when Beer offered Oyster to travel with him after expressing reservations about Spaghetti -unfairness, being relatively distant and aloof towards him, suspiciously problematic-, he can’t just abandon his obligations and the person who he owes a lot to. It’s also likely he saw that Spaghetti had good reason to delay him being sent on these missions, so in a way, it slightly humbled Oyster’s opinions of the redhead. And well, Oyster already thought of Borscht and Spaghetti as family despite not being blood related.

By the end of his bio, Oyster was advised again to leave Spaghetti. But by then, he knows there’s more to Spaghetti and his motives than the redhead is willing to show. Oyster knows it himself that his boss is not a pure man, but he was the first to show him kindness, and Oyster is adamant on repaying that with his loyalty.

It’s likely too, that the events of his bio sparked the whole ‘test of faith’ thing that is the overarching plot of the Oyster event. One could call it some sort of ‘coming of age’ ceremony that Spaghetti had planned for Oyster. We know how Spaghetti never half-asses anything and couple that with his trust issues? I feel Borscht’s great exasperation with her boss over the whole thing. And he did send most of the members of his organization to go give Oyster and Pretzel a hard time, at the same time, showing Oyster that he was Not Good. He never was ‘good’, and he doesn’t plan to sugarcoat it. Oyster had to understand that part if he wanted to stay.

Oyster has every reason to dislike and feel betrayed by Spaghetti by the event's end. Oyster also has had every chance to get away from Spaghetti, and Spaghetti literally gives him enough opportunities to do so (ie. every time he goes out on an errand, he could just never come back). But at the end of it all, even when Pretzel was alright with taking him away, Oyster refused.

And that incredible sense of loyalty (despite screaming at his bastard of a boss for that A+ test of faith) was enough for Spaghetti. This whole thing could be a good candidate for the My Master, Right or Wrong trope, though for now it’s looking to be less grim for Oyster.

In conclusion, Oyster’s sense of loyalty (and him in general) had gone through cycles and  developing each time. He knows it’s not the best decision to make, it’s also not the worst. What matters is that it’s his choice to make (and stay by Spaghetti’s side), and he will fight even Spaghetti for that right.

Other things of note:

It's also interesting to note that when Oyster said not to touch him, Spaghetti verbally stated he won’t, and made good on that. As far as I know, the only time he willfully did so was pulling Oyster behind him in the second to last chapter of the event. Otherwise, there is no mention of Spaghetti breaking this oath even subtly.

Peking (or was it Boston?) told Oyster that, ‘Following a dangerous guy like that will make you lose the things important to you.’ Now I don’t know how much Peking or Boston knows about Oyster, but Oyster literally has nothing else to his name and what is important to him is ironically, Spaghetti and Borscht. Maybe he senses that Oyster is still a contracted Food Soul, and assumes that he’s being used against his will for the sake of his MA. It could also mean “Beer’s friendship” as the important thing. It’s left open to debate.

Again, if anyone wants to discuss this with me, my ask is open for it.

[grandhotelabyss]

—Louise Bogan, qtd. in Elaine Showalter, “I wish she’d been a dog”

Showalter is quoting Bogan to disapprove of the sentiment (she can be seen disapproving of Gertrude Stein in my latest essay and Virginia Woolf and Dorothy Richardson in earlier ones), and quoting her moreover against Jean Stafford. Stafford was the much-abused first wife of Robert Lowell and so painfully adjoins the company in a previous post. She was celebrated as a novelist and short-story writer in her own time, if one whose talents were abraded by addiction, ill-health, and bitterness. Showalter, back in 1991, was reviewing two biographies of Stafford that appeared in the decade following her death. 

After those biographies’ appearance, Stafford seems to have gone into an eclipse only now ending with the publication of her fiction in Library of America volumes. I had more or less never heard of her, or had heard of her only as a vague name trapped in the amber of literary history. Didn’t she write A Christmas Story? No, that was Jean Shepherd. What about “Traveling through the Dark”? Negative again—that’s William Stafford, apparently no relation. My ignorance ended last week, when suddenly in the small world of American literature she was everywhere.

I am so distant from the places where literary decisions are made—I’m not in New York, not on the Slack channels—that like any Rust Belt provincial I can only experience these sudden shifts in national fortune like conspiratorially-ordained decrees on the part of distant powers, à la Hollywood according to Mulholland Drive: a mysterious mobster taps a photo of Jean Stafford and says, “This is the girl.” Then you go back through what archives there are online and find out why some people—Showalter, for one—thought she wasn’t the girl in the first place.

I admit all this ignorance only because I finally read something by Jean Stafford that seemed to license it. I can’t really read anything serious online (literary criticism is not serious), so I ransacked the anthologies in my apartment until I turned up a Stafford story, happily her most famous, “Children Are Bored on Sundays,” in Daniel Halpern’s The Art of the Tale: An International Anthology of Short Stories. (You can read it here if you haven’t run into the paywall or, God forbid, if you subscribe.) 

This 1948 tale is a crystallization of sensitivity, intelligence, and hatred, both for self and other. I doubt I have read anything that so perfectly captures the conflict between insider and outsider in American bohemia. It is set on a Sunday afternoon in the Metropolitan Museum, where the heroine, Emma, sees a man she used to know when she was frequenting intellectual cocktail parties a year or so before. Trying to decide whether to speak to him or not, she reflects on her time among his bohemian circle and what drove her out of it.

Emma, observed with the close and ironizing distance of free indirect discourse, came to New York from the country—perhaps Stafford’s own west, California or Colorado—and is what she calls a Rube among the Intellectuals. Being an Intellectual is not, for Emma, about how much you’ve read; it’s rather a social role reserved to metropolitans, whose hothouse rearing in urban apartments has given them a confidence and poise in their cultural and political pronouncements that outsiders, no matter how educated, can’t share because of their greater proximity to nature, which burdens them with an unshakably naive access to emotion in response to experience, artistic and otherwise. 

Furthermore, Emma’s own learning, being merely knowledge without urbane and urban-indigenous sensibility, further disqualifies her for the company of the Intellectuals, because they cannot even relish her as an authentic know-nothing barbarian. She is, to use a word the story never does, middlebrow. Acceding to this judgment, she exits bohemia and turns, as her author would, to drink; all the hope the story holds out for her is an ill-sorted affair, conducted at an emotional level below learned cultural discourse, with the very Intellectual-gone-to-seed she spies in the museum.  

My summary doesn’t capture Stafford’s achievement in the story, however. Any fool can sociologize, but only a real literary artist can, now quoting Keats’s advice to Shelley, load every rift with ore. Here is one passage, a sentence and a quarter, to give the taste of her wit and intricacy: 

Actually she had ceased to dine long since; every few days, with effort, she inserted thin wafers of food into her repelled mouth, flushing the frightful stuff down with enormous drafts of magical, purifying, fulfilling applejack diluted with tepid water from the tap. One weighty day, under a sky that grimly withheld the rain, as if to punish the whole city, she had started out from Ninetieth Street...

What a pleasure to read prose that comes before the puritan prohibition on adjectives and adverbs. The story’s sentences are gracefully complex but studded with spiky ironies; the effect is Henry James as annotated by Flannery O’Connor or Shirley Jackson. 

The style conveys the untamed intelligence Emma enjoys (though she abuses herself for its alleged unsophistication) in contrast to the Intellectuals, for whom thought is never linked to experience. Intellectualism just is this dissociation of sensibility (though whether or not the story has an anti-Semitic subtext I will leave the reader to decide), and Emma’s tragedy is that she mortifies herself for it rather than savoring it:

Thus she continued secretly to believe (but never to confess) that the apple Eve had eaten tasted exactly like those she had eaten when she was a child visiting on her Great-Uncle Graham’s farm, and that Newton’s observation was no news in spite of all the hue and cry. Half the apples she had eaten had fallen out of the tree, whose branches she had shaken for this very purpose, and the Apple Experience included both the descent of the fruit and the consumption of it, and Eve and Newton and Emma understood one another perfectly in this particular of reality.

So Stafford wouldn’t, or anyway shouldn’t, be one to complain if I write about the experience of reading her after having read only one story. And her story has aged only a little. The world she describes still exists—sample a Brooklyn podcast—but its intellectual standards have perhaps declined.

No one is capable any longer of writing or even reading prose like this, as evidenced by the difference in sentence and paragraph lengths and in diction and range of reference between Joyce Carol Oates’s famous 1988 savaging of a Stafford biography as “pathography” and Parul Sehgal’s appreciation of Stafford’s work from last week. Since Sehgal’s talent and intelligence aren’t in question—just look at her bookshelves and despair—an editorial mandate responding to straitened readerly attention spans and knowledge bases is surely at work: this is the syntax.

Stafford’s “Children” at once implies and enacts the thesis that it will take a wind from elsewhere to blow this petrified culture anywhere better. And as Bogan tells us, only the perverts have ever advanced art. While I can’t, anymore than Showalter can, endorse the specific forms of perversion that Stafford was both victim and perpetrator of, neither do I expect “nice people” or “joiners”—however “niceness” or “community” are defined by today’s intellectuals—to be of any use at all to literature. 

[darbiebot]

Character breakdown

I’m incredibly bored and I have had a few new followers as of late, so I figure it’s time to get one of these things done so I can reference it later! So, a brief explanation of my characters, their history, and what makes them tick: Darlain Truthhammer: She was born a Wildhammer of Aerie Peak, daughter of one of the more respected Proudmug brewing families. When the Trolls invaded in the Third War, while she was still a young girl, he decided to flee with his family to Bronzebeard territory as a refugee, when she remained until her young adulthood. Her father doted on her, but her mother, an opportunistic woman who had married for the wealth and status, took out the frustrations of the family’s misfortunes on her husband and daughter. Her father ended up being murdered by a dark Iron thief, hoping to get his recipies, and after her father’s death, her mother took over their small brewery and, upon learning she was meant to be sold off to a patron to lock in a business deal, she took her gryphon and fled to Stormwind, where a kind priestess sensed her potential as a priest as gave her a place to live in the Cathedral as an Acolyte. She lived as a bit of a socially repressed woman until she bumped into Nicholai and the Meddlers, an adventuring band that eventually gave her a purpose, a husband (and 3 children, now), and a family. She’s a bit of a gossip, but a loyal friend, and a cheerleader for any situation, no matter how dire. Pinapple Peppercog-Ambroce:  Pin lived on the surface near Gnomeregan, her parents were technicians that focused on the ventilation system that supplied air to the mostly underground city, which meant a lot of complicated systems interacting together. She had a lovely childhood, and her father would often read stories of heroes to her, which she took into an incredible collection of books on historical battles and legends once she learned how to read. Still a very young woman, Her parents were heavily irradiated during the explosion, and both succumbed to madness shortly after arriving in Ironforge. She was taken in by a foster father, intending to teach her about the blacksmithing trade, but her repression of her situation lead her to run away, and attempt to pursue a naive plan to become a hero, full with a step by step process with multiple tiers of success. In truth, she became a transient, leaning to live in the wilderness and do odd jobs for food, attempting to have her humble beginning manifest into a mystical quest any day. After years of waiting, she instead enlisted as a squire to a military band called the Silver Dragoons, under Commander Harrigan. With dedication and a lot of reality checks, she became a fine officer, and when the unit was disbanded due to sinister influence, she became was promoted as 2nd in command of the Silver Dragoons Mercenary band, under the new commander, Alynore Forrester, whom she proudly served and learned from. Her life since then has been tumultuous, she had a lot of maturing to catch up on, but she eventually became a gifted tactician for the group, and, after her Death in the Legion War, and resurrection by Odyn, she returned to the unit, and took over for Commander Forrester as she joined with the Silver Hand. She’s very intelligent in some fields, and very amateur in others, including love, which, after a few wild and dramatic experiences, she found a loving and fulfilling partnership with Leon Ambroce, and his wife, Kaewynn, her adventures in romance continue, her most recent partner being a gnome mage named Summy, who adds some welcome chaos to her life.

Xillia: Xillia was a recluse after the horrors of the genocide of her people, she thankfully survived it by being a citzen of Teluman, the hiding place of the Draenei people, and was evacuated to the Exodar when it returned to the doomed world. She likely would have stayed a quiet researcher for centuries, if not for the chance reunification with a childhood friend name Henii, and Henii’s wife, Ivinara, she met the spunky and free spirited Rhaala, whom she developed a fascination with, as someone who dealt with much of the same traumas she had, and yet lived life with an ease she found herself envious of. The fascination and envy lead to a proper crush, and the two became both fast friends and lovers. With that, the two of them found others they cared for, in Xillia’s case, a rather dependable and sweet young smith named Arkav, and in Rhaala’s case, a rather nerdy Archeologist, Ki’in. The four decided to purchase a home together, and made a life for themselves, occasionally going off on excursions and adventures. During the Legion attack, an eradar implanted a seed of corruption in her arm, which she was able to stop it from killing her by using her arcane magics to freeze the arm, and shatter it. She spent quite a few months designing an arcane infused prosthetic, using theories from various races’ experiments with runic magic, and the animation of golems. She teaches magic to children now, but occasionally explores or does field research.

Daegra Stonehelm: She’s a new character, so i’m still working on it, but she short of it is she is an ambitious woman, the daughter of two of the old Senate, who were killed in the assassination of Emperor Thulassian. She had been disenfranchised with the Dark Iron’s subservience to Ragnarok, and she herself had been forced into tutelage of the warlock arts, a rather noble calling in their society, even lauded greater than arcane studies. Once her parents were dead, and the city restructuring after the Firelord’s defeat, she sided with Moira, hoping to leave the mountain and make her mark on the world, which she started as an ambassador of the Dark Irons. In a successful attempt to sway public opinion towards accepting the Dark Irons, she arranged for the murder of an advocate for the Dark Irons from the Truthhammer clan, Darlain Truthhammer, framing it on the conservative senators, implying that they killed Darlain because she spoke out for giving the Dark Irons a seat in the dwarven senate. Thankfully for Darlain, her assassin decided to instead kidnap the dwarf and sell her in Blackrock, and the priestess was able to escape, without ever discovering that Daegra was behind the plot. With the politcs settling down, and developing a bit of a distaste for the machinations of political aspirations in general, Daegra has been becoming a silent partner in a few business, and making some discreet land deals. She’s currently thinking of investing in a proper casino somewhere, as those were quite lucrative in Shadowforge city.

And, lastly, my FFXIV character, Apple Silverberg:

Apple is a rather studious arcanist, though her studies of allaghen magics would have most refer to her as a summoner, and she has a rather extensive collection of egi’s at this point. She joined an adventuring group called Gage Acquisitions for university credit, and was able to develop fast friendships and trust with the members of the group, eventually signing on as a full time employee. She is only very lightly touched by the Echo, not being able to control the visions of the past, and having them only come when she’s manipulating a good deal of aether. Her father died in the calamity, something she had a hard time dealing with, and, as he was a Sharlyan, she took to study as a way to connect with him. Her mother remarried, and she’s still getting used to her stepfather, a nice Elezan man from Ishgarde.  She’s usually one to get stuck in research for weeks, emerging with a new idea for a spell or a way to apply aether to many of the groups mechanical inventions., which is mostly how she earns her keep, aside from her research into the Primals themselves.

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 103: Bubbled

“If I could begin to be half of what you think of me, I could do about anything.”

In the middle of Act I of Steven Universe, Steven saves the Atlantic Ocean, and in the middle of Act II, he saves Earth. These are large-scale victories that show his growing capabilities as a Crystal Gem in the global sense: he’s a defender of the world and all its inhabitants, and has two major accomplishments to show for it.

The end of Act I is more of a personal fight. The only lives at stake are those of the Crystal Gems as they’re brought into space, and Steven takes a more passive role in the finale, helping here and there but ultimately having the day saved by Garnet (and, arguably, Lapis). And it turns out the pattern of a more extreme sequel in Act II continues: in Bubbled, the only life at stake is his own, and despite being far more competent than he was in Jailbreak, he needs to be saved by others once again, because he’s been shattered.

As with Jailbreak, Steven spends a good part of Bubbled with another ornery ruby who gripes “Great! This is just perfect!” and barely gives him the time of day at first. In both episodes he tries and fails to help this ruby: our Ruby runs off on her own in impatience, and Eyeball tries to shank him and must be ejected from his bubble. But something interesting happens when you compare these rubies further, because beyond their opposing loyalties, there’s one major difference between the two of them: Ruby has such a low opinion of herself that she doesn’t think it matters whether or not she gets hurt, while Eyeball has such a high opinion of herself that she dreams of being the hero who defeats Rose Quartz, complete with glory from the Diamonds (and her own pearl). And really, this is one of the things the show is all about.

The flaws of practically every character in Steven Universe come down to the dichotomy between insecurity and overconfidence. At a glance, we can read our heroes as insecure and our villains as overconfident (Pearl and Amethyst good, Jasper and Kevin bad), but the actual lesson is that everyone has insecurities, and overconfidence is more often than not a reaction to it. As we learn more about our smug villains, we see the shortcomings that drive that smugness, and only then can Steven bridge the gap towards friendship. Heck, Garnet is the only truly confident Crystal Gem, and while I wouldn’t quite call her smug, at her worst she evokes the ice cold certainty of Sapphire more than the exposed nerve of Ruby. Like our villains, she begins as a mysterious figure, and her arc in Act II involves letting her Ruby out to become more balanced: she better understands her insecure family by embracing the uncertainty within, and uses this growth to reach out and help an insecure enemy understand her in Log Date 7 15 2.  

Garnet might seem to have her act together compared to the other Crystal Gems, but let’s not forget that the emotionally healthiest character in the series is Greg Universe. He’s overconfident in flashbacks, but in the present is at peace with his shortcomings and happy with what he has without needing to compensate. He mourns Rose, but converts this grief into a celebration of his son’s life. Greg isn’t as dynamic a character as the rest because he’s already figured the important things out; he has his missteps, but his core is consistent and largely unchanging, even when he stumbles upon life-changing wealth. Steven tries to be like Rose throughout the series, but it’s not for nothing that Change Your Mind ties self-acceptance to sitting on the beach with a guitar.

I know I’m talking big picture here in terms of the characters and the series, but there’s not much to discuss about Bubbled at the surface level: it’s the misadventure of two enemies that sours to a breaking point, followed by a rescue. It’s actually a pretty slow bottle episode, consisting of a few long conversations broken up by two action sequences, and ending with another conversation. It’s similar in structure to Open Book and Gem Hunt, but far starker than either.

So the big picture is what matters when discussing Bubbled, because it’s a story about how Steven’s inner demons manifest, and will continue to manifest for the rest of the series. After all, Steven himself began as an overconfident kid, rushing into situations he wasn’t ready for and annoyed with not being considered a peer. He becomes far more tolerable after Steven and the Stevens, when he takes this attitude down a few notches and starts trying in earnest to catch up instead of looking for shortcuts or assuming he’s already there whenever anything goes right. But his insecurity is also clear, and now we get to really dig into the unique way this affects his character after examining how other insecurities affect other characters. 

Amethyst’s insecurity raises her defenses like a pufferfish. Pearl’s insecurity makes her insensitive to the needs of others. Ruby’s insecurity compels her to verbalize her own worthlessness (while Sapphire radiates confidence and is only insecure when her signature ability to be secure in the future is disrupted). Connie’s insecurity drives her to prove her worth to others. Peridot’s insecurity causes her to belittle others to make herself seem bigger. Lapis’s insecurity magnifies her suffering and minimizes the good. Bismuth’s insecurity inspires her to overcommit to a righteous cause. Sadie’s insecurity lets people walk all over her until she snaps. Lars’s insecurity makes him a huge jerk. And Steven’s insecurity fuels a martyr complex that’s cranked up to life-threatening heights in Act III.

The most important choice Steven makes in Bubbled is a mind-numbingly stupid one: to tell Eyeball that he’s Rose Quartz, and to then do everything in his power to convince her. Eyeball is the reason he learned Rose shattered Pink Diamond, and she has given every indication that she despises Rose for this, and she’s an especially aggressive member of an aggressive team made of Gems designed to be aggressive. Steven’s reveal comes after Eyeball has made it explicit that her lingering hatred of Rose is the reason she even came to Earth. He’s alone in space with someone who will try to hurt him if she thought he was Rose (and who already wants to hurt him), and he has proven throughout Act II that he’s neither dumb nor naive enough to not understand the likely outcome here. But he says he’s Rose anyway, because he’s so obsessed with helping people that he's willing to put his own safety at risk just to cheer up an enemy. 

There are other reasons I think it makes sense for him to make such an obvious mistake. He’s definitely in shock, but he’s also grumpy and takes Eyeball’s disbelief as a challenge. This is an irrational decision made by someone who isn’t in a rational state of mind. But this only makes it more compelling that his gut instinct, the essence of Steven that emerges from this emotional turmoil, is to help someone else. We’ve already had a whole episode about balancing the needs of others with the needs of yourself in Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service, but remember, that episode ends with Steven falling asleep standing up, because he ignored his own health to help Kiki learn that lesson.

Steven’s greatest strength creates his greatest weakness. He’s empathetic and sensitive, and can do amazing things because of it, but he needs to value himself as much as he values everyone around him. Act III sees him stumble and scramble through more trying times than ever, and until Connie finally calls him out on it, he compounds his troubles with his self-sacrificial mindset. He’s not suicidal by any stretch, but he decides his own needs are irrelevant when others need help, which ironically makes him more selfish than ever as he determines that he and he alone can save the day and stop his friends from getting hurt. And even when the cosmic scale fades away, his obsession with helping others to distract from himself becomes the driving conflict of Steven Universe Future.

Eyeball works wonders as a foil: she opposes Steven, but isn’t savvy enough to manipulate him on purpose, so his error is both obvious and unforced. Telling her that he’s Rose Quartz needs to say more about him than about the person he’s telling, and Eyeball is just flat enough of a character that she doesn’t steal his spotlight.

Charlyne Yi once again kills it, and little moments do personalize Eyeball further, even if it’s nothing groundbreaking. The biggest, in my mind, is commanding Steven to “find cover, soldier!” as asteroids approach, despite their antagonistic relationship: her instinct to act as a team trumps her personal disdain for Steven, and while he assumes later that the two are bonding, this is as close as I think she actually gets to reciprocating. We see her get annoyed at being called Eyeball, which is a nice and reasonable gripe from a character whose gripes we tend to disagree with. And I love that her weapon is less of a knife and more of a shiv, with a squared edge that implies she’s got a really strong stabbing arm.

Like I said, she’s still flat—we may see her quirks here, but she doesn’t change at all over the course of the episode and we already knew she was a proud warrior Gem with a stubborn streak—but it works. It’s weird to use “flat” as a compliment, but I do mean it as such. She isn’t the real villain here, and “defeating” her feels more like failure than victory: Mindful Education hammers home that this is the third enemy Gem in a row that Steven couldn’t help, no matter how hard he tried.

While Bubbled feels pretty slow, it helps that the whole thing is beautiful to look at. The opening shot of Steven tumbling through space from his own point of view gets us right into the game, and the loneliness and sheer terror of his situation is highlighted with gorgeous, silent shots of space. Steven is processing a huge shift in perspective, and the setting reflects the magnitude of his new reality.

And then, to add an auditory counterpart to the visual story, his rescue is punctuated by Rebecca Sugar finally finishing Love Like You.

The song has played over the closing credits since the beginning of the series, using a variety of instruments before the lyrics trickled in. An acoustic version accompanies the end of Ocean Gem, as Steven celebrates with the humans and the Gems discuss what Lapis’s escape means for the future. A haunting reprise, unrecognizable at first while Steven struggles to find himself, joins the end credits for Act III. And wouldn’t you know, it’s a song about insecurity.

When I first heard Love Like You, and for years after, I was convinced that it was sung by Rose. Rebecca Sugar herself said that it wasn’t written with a particular character in mind, but nope, for me it was definitely about Rose. She’s singing to Greg about how she wants to capable of loving the way humans can, and Steven is the result of the conversation. And I still think that reading stands, and that it matters, but songs can be about more than one thing.

This is the third of four songs that encapsulate the two big lessons I take from Steven Universe. Strong in the Real Way reconstructs the notion of what true strength is, and alongside Stronger Than You, we’re told that what matters most is doing the right thing and being a good person, even when it’s hard, and that healthy relationships (romantic, familial, platonic, whatever) help make this possible. 

Love Like You and our fourth big song, Change Your Mind, similarly work as a duo: where the Strong Songs are about the importance of relationships to emotional strength, Love Like You and Change Your Mind address how we as individuals can be strong in the real way. It’s important to have healthy relationships, but it’s also important to love yourself, and Love Like You is about that second part: the most loving network in the world can’t fix your insecurity if you’re unable to see yourself the way your loved ones do. 

As Love Like You plays in the background, with the first non-diegetic lyrics we’ve heard in the series, Steven is finally told the truth. Garnet is right that Steven’s mother would have done anything for Earth, and while the details of her misdeeds are hazy at this point, the result is the same. Steven can no longer look to his mother as a paragon of virtue, and even though the Crystal Gems love him, they can’t fix this new problem, especially if their secrecy is part of the problem. They think the world of Steven, and now it’s up to him to see that he can do about anything. He could even learn how to love.

Future Vision!

Eyeball knows Rose Quartz not by her shield, but her sword. And we know Eyeball witnessed the “shattering” of Pink Diamond. And we know that Rose’s sword was built to not harm a Gem’s gem. Hints abound.

The chase around the bubble ends because Steven stops and wonders aloud what would happen if his gem was taken. It’s the first time the subject is broached on the show. It isn’t the last.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Bubbled touches on major themes of the series, but in a bubble on its own, the glacial pace hinders the storytelling. This is a great finale, but it’s not that great of a solitary episode. I like it fine, there are a lot of great things about it (the art in particular), but I don’t rank this one very high by itself.

Top Twenty

Steven and the Stevens

Hit the Diamond

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

The Answer

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Earthlings

Mr. Greg

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Beach City Drift

Winter Forecast

Bismuth

When It Rains

Catch and Release

Chille Tid

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

Keeping It Together

We Need to Talk

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Back to the Barn

Steven’s Birthday

It Could’ve Been Great

Message Received

Log Date 7 15 2

Same Old World

The New Lars

Monster Reunion

Alone at Sea

Crack the Whip

Beta

Back to the Moon

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Barn Mates

Steven Floats

Drop Beat Dad

Too Short to Ride

Restaurant Wars

Kiki’s Pizza Delivery Service

Greg the Babysitter

Gem Hunt

Steven vs. Amethyst

Bubbled

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

Super Watermelon Island

Gem Drill

No Thanks!

     5. Horror Club      4. Fusion Cuisine      3. House Guest      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure