#which you would think would be easy for someone with a whole ass medical degree

[meangan-thee-lesbian]

Personal but: tomorrow I gotta call my neurologist's office and ask them to transfer my medical record to my doctor, so that he can sign off on my disability pension, and I can't wait to hear what excuse I'm going to get for why they cannot perform this basic fucking task. It's gonna be like "actually because we write our medical records on circle-shaped paper we're unable to scan it into normal square-shaped paper format, so that's why we can't transfer your medical record, guess you'll just have to choose between death by seizure or death by starvation uwu". And I know anyone reading this will be thinking I'm just being silly and dramatic and to that I say: tune in tomorrow and find out lmao

[voidix]

So my dear friend @kittytudor and I were discussing some takes the fandom has on Dazai and especially his interactions with Mori and I thought I’d share

I really hate the train of thought that goes like “they’re super smart so they know life has no meaning and nothing matters” like that’s cynical for no reason whatsoever and just nihilistic

Yea when you are intelligent you see all the bad in the world and feel like you’re powerless to stop it a lot of times but the things is

You know scientists see beauty in everything geologist will get excited about literal dirt a marine biologist about a gold fish. When you’re intelligent you see all the bad but also all the good

However it’s easier to see the bad and often times it clouds your view but part of the healing process is starting to see beauty and happiness in the smallest things and I think that’s a journey Dazai is slowly going on.

So I really don’t think intelligence is the issue here and I’m gonna assume you’re an edgy bastard if you say so

I feel like Dazai’s issue is more the environment than anything and the lack of meaningful relationships. I know we clown the scene where he says actually living is okay now 1 day after meeting Chuuya but here is the thing. This might have been the first time he had someone his age who wanted to hang out with him or even less just someone his age who tolerated him. I personally know nothing about his life pre mafia but you can assume it wasn’t a good life if at age 14 you decide the bloody mafia is preferable to wherever you’re at at the moment

In my opinion Mori didn’t encourage it per se but he didn’t try to stop it either I really think that for him he did not expect Dazai would go through with it (again) and /or as cruel as it sounds if he actually did it which Mori didn’t think was likely he had one less rival to worry about but I really think that’s Mori’s reasoning for staying “neutral” for lack of a better word on this issue

That being said I’m sure being surrounded by death and suffering did not do any good for an already depressed 14/15yo

Which leads me to the second point. I really don’t think Mori expected Dazai to leave or tried to make him leave. For Mori Dazai was a powerful asset because of his ability and because of his intelligence that y’all are obsessed with. So why would you want to push that person away and it’s not like he was encouraging him to suicide here which would make much more sense than wanting him to leave.

And I have evidence

I’m gonna start it with: Oda did not die to set an example I don’t think so no. In his conversation with Chuuya he said something like “being a leader means making sacrifices for the well being of the group” or something like that and that’s what he did here.

He sacrifices Oda to get the permit.

The strange thing is I do think Mori meant what he said to Chuuya that he is a leader but also a servant to the mafia he wants the mafia to gain more power and that’s why he did what he did to get the permit.

I do think it could be a lesson to Dazai but not in the “if you cross me this is gonna happen to you” because Oda didn’t cross him Oda didn’t want power he is the last person who was interested in that. I think if anything it was more a lesson as in “when you take over this is something you’ll have to do and I’m showing you how it’s done”

Evidence for that is he was chuckling when he mentioned that possibility that Dazai would kill him and take one someday. And I agree that Mori

Wouldn’t mind if that was better for the Mafia. Like he wouldn’t make it easy for him and he wouldn’t give up but if he is defeated he wouldn’t be angry or annoyed because like I mentioned above I do think he was genuine when he said he is also a servant to the Mafia

My other piece of evidence is that when he showed Dazai the permit he seemed proud of what he’s done. The way he presented it and the entire scenario he seemed proud more than smug. If he really wanted Dazai out I feel like he would’ve been more smug about the whole thing and we know he can do that well.

And obviously there is also the fact he offered him not once but twice to come back. And what’s interesting is that the first time the offer was secret like he sent Gin and Higuchi and it was in a shady ass tunnel

Now the other time is where it gets interesting because it was very public in front of Dazai’s colleagues the black lizard and Fukuzawa.

Now Mori is a smart guy but also he has a sense of pride as we learned so I really don’t think he would risk being humiliated in front of Fukuzawa of all people just to mess with Dazai and he seemed genuinely surprised when Dazai said “you kicked me” and he didn’t offer him to just come back no he offered to be back as an executive and having Dazai decline and clown him in front of Fukuzawa like that I don’t think he would risk that if he was just playing

The thing is Mori is smart but he has tunnel vision in my opinion. He was so focused on getting the permit he forgot that this plan has consequences that aren’t just “we get the permit”

And also one of Mori’s issues is that he never takes into consideration people’s emotions. You can predict human Behavior to a certain degree a lot of times you can know what to

Say or what to do to get a certain result but the thing is humans aren’t algorithms they don’t always operate on logic they have emotions. And these emotions can be so strong that they override any crumb of logic left which is something I think Mori fails to understand. That’s why he didn’t expect Dazai to leave he forgot about the emotional factor.

That’s what Mori lacks but Dazai has and my evidence for this is a scenario we laughed at because it was presented in a funny way but I think that’s something that shows that Dazai is better at this 4D chess game than Mori.

On the Moby Dick he knew that Akutagawa would abandon everything to talk to him. If Dazai only operates by thinking about logical Behavior he wouldn’t have told Atsushi to do this but he realises that the emotional factor is one of the strongest drives humans have.

And you know I think Mori knows that when it comes to 4D chess Dazai would defeat him but he doesn’t mind that he isn’t scared of that. In dead Apple he couldn’t have possibly known the whole business with the pill but he told Chuuya to interfere. Mori has a strange sense of trust towards Dazai even now that they’re part of different sides.

I think Mori is has always been aware that although he says he does Dazai doesn’t actually want to die and I think the scene with the hyper and hypo tension medication in 15 shows this. If you actually want to die why would you Mix medicine with effects that cancel out each other and Mori is a doctor he knows this. That’s why I think he didn’t expect Dazai to commit and that he believes Dazai actually wants to live and because of that he will try and preserve himself and by extension Yokohama which is why he told Chuuya to go in dead apple, which is why he let Akutagawa go on the Moby Dick in season 2 because he realized Dazai wanted him to go there and he trusts Dazai to a certain degree .

I really feel like his underestimated the emotional factor and this will ultimately lead to his downfall. Like he didn’t expect Dazai to leave he wouldn’t expect anyone to react super emotional to god knows what he’ll do and thereby underestimate their response to that which will make him meet his end.

I don’t think the “you kicked me” is Dazai in denial he acted ok emotions or at least that’s not the whole thing. I think that Dazai’s reasoning for saying that is this:

Oda died so Mori can get more power which was part of Mori’s plan all along so looking at the bigger picture it was Mori’s plan and actions who drove me out of the Mafia so he basically “kicked me out”

Also I wanna add that I feel like Mori because he underestimates the emotional factor he doesn’t understand to this day why Dazai left like he knows it’s related to oda he can follow that train of events but in his mind it doesn’t make logical sense why Dazai would do that which is why he didn’t manage to win Dazai over back to The Mafia because in his mind be doesn’t know the logical reason why Dazai left which is also another reason why he was so surprised when Dazai said he kicked him

Also I’d like to add that I really don’t think he felt threatened or wanted to just get rid of him

Dazai was already suicidal so if it would very easy to make it look like that. And like I mentioned before if it was the best choice for the Mafia I really don’t think Mori would be that bothered about being replaced by Dazai.

I also don’t think he thought Dazai would be more useful on the outside because once again why lose a valuable addition like that

And it’s not like

He wanted to use him

As a spy or anything we know that would’ve been arranged differently see Ango

So Mori the logical guy he is wouldn’t want his enemies to have someone with Dazai’s ability because that’s a pain in the ass and also

He wouldn’t want an insider like Dazai to join his enemies and spill all his secrets. Dazai had a very high rank and like I said I don’t think Mori expected him to leave so he had no reason to hide things from

him so even without his ability he would be a very strong asset to the Mafias enemies so there is no way Mori would think he is more useful on the outside since

1. we already said mori has tunnel vision he couldn’t possibly predict that much that he thinks Dazai is better out

2. We established that he isn’t afraid of him

3. He wouldn’t want the ability and the information to fall into his enemies’ hands

4. If he was actually scared and wanted to get rid of him making it seem like suicide or actually driving him to suicide would be much easier especially since mori is a doctor

So yeah this is long thanks if you read until the end it was super fun to write this id love to know what others think I’m sorry if it’s a bit unorganised it’s copied from my notes app

[liunaticfringe]

(via Lucy Liu's Independent Woman - Interview Magazine)

There have been many great sidekick pairings in the history of modern literature. Huckleberry Finn and Tom Sawyer, Phileas Fogg and Jean Passepartout, Winnie-the-Pooh and Piglet…the list goes on. Yet, it seems there has never been a delightfully tumultuous relationship that comes close to echoing the one embodied by rogue detective Sherlock Holmes and his faithful friend and assistant Dr. John Watson. Written in the form of short stories by Arthur Conan Doyle between the late 19th and early 20th centuries, the opium-den loving Holmes would terrorize London with his intellectual, astute, and stubborn prowess, with Dr. Watson providing medical expertise and chronicling their entertaining exploits along the way.

Doyle’s works have now long been entered into the public domain, with many film and television adaptions cropping up every few years. Still, when CBS announced in 2012 that it would be turning Doyle’s works into an hour-long crime-drama series titled Elementary, it elicited an unusually high response—this was mostly due to the news that a woman would, in fact, be portraying Watson. Her name would be Joan, not John. And she’s now a fallen from grace surgeon-turned-sober companion and private detective, forfeiting her “Dr.” title in the process. The woman chosen to take on this exciting, contemporary role of Joan Watson was none other than seasoned actress Lucy Liu.

Liu, who’s best known for her roles as a fierce and ill-mannered lawyer in Ally McBeal, an ass-kicking “angel” in the rebooted Charlie’s Angels, and an equally ass-kicking bad girl in the Kill Bill series, certainly provides the yin to the yang of Jonny Lee Miller’s gritty portrayal of Holmes. Elementary chronicles the duo’s relationship as they consult for the NYPD on various criminal cases while living in a shared brownstone in Brooklyn Heights. Initially starting off in Season One as a substance-free friend to the fresh-out-of-rehab Holmes with a keen interest in solving crimes, Watson quickly transformed into a sharp and observant right-hand woman who now clearly has the aptitude to work on her own. And it appears she’ll be doing just that—the end of Season Two left viewers witnessing Watson’s decision to move out of the brownstone and start a new career as a solo private detective, seemingly fed-up with Holmes’ erratic behavior.

The warm and delightful Liu recently called up Interview from her home in New York City to discuss Elementary’s upcoming third season.

DEVON IVIE: Were you on set today?

LUCY LIU: I was running around like a maniac, yeah. It’s beautiful today, it started getting a little bit cooler again. But of course I’ve been bitten by the two mosquitos that are still alive in New York City.

IVIE: I know you were recently at New York Comic Con. How was it?

LIU: It was amazing. It’s such a spectator place. Not only do you get super fans, but you also get people who are curious and inventive and imaginative. It’s fun.

IVIE: Did you run into any cosplayers dressed as Joan Watson?

LIU: Oh, no, I don’t know about that. That’s funny! We did a panel with a huge audience so I couldn’t really see if anyone was wearing anything specific, but it’s an excuse for kids and adults to get dressed up and just be crazy. You know you’ve made it when you have super-fans out there.

IVIE: When you first read the scripts for Elementary, what was it that attracted you to the role of Joan?

LIU: I liked the fact that it was going to be about [Joan and Sherlock’s] relationship and their friendship, and bringing that into modern times. And I thought it was wonderful to change up the gender.

IVIE: Did you immerse yourself in Arthur Conan Doyle’s work as preparation at all?

LIU: I did, I did! I started reading the short stories. I never read them before so it was a really great excuse to read them. I can’t believe it was written so long ago, because it’s so current. The characters are so colorful, which is why I think there are so many incarnations of Watson and Holmes.

IVIE: Do you have a favorite story? I love “A Scandal in Bohemia.”

LIU: There were some pretty amazing stories. The one that stood out to me, which was a Watson story that I got to know him a little more through, was “The Hound of the Baskervilles.” He really is on his own in that. Of course it turns out that Holmes has been there all along, but it’s interesting looking into his interior.

IVIE: Yeah, the entirety of “The Hound of the Baskervilles” is narrated just by Watson. And his diary and letters, too.

LIU: Yeah, I think it’s really cool. We started incorporating that into the show, too, the letters and journals.

IVIE: Has this detective genre always appealed to you? Did you grow up watching or reading detective whodunits?

LIU: I remember more of the old school Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys sort of thing. I also grew up with the Scooby-Doo mysteries. Remember when the villain would go, “I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you rascal-y kids!” Those were the kind of the things I immersed myself in. I have to say that my mother has always been a huge fan of Columbo and Murder, She Wrote, so this show was her dream come true. I don’t think she totally understood what was going on with Ally McBeal. [laughs]

IVIE: I’ve enjoyed witnessing Joan’s evolution throughout the course of the show, starting off as a sober companion and eventually ending up as a trusty sidekick and confidant to Sherlock. What can we expect from Joan in Season Three?

LIU: When you see them in the third season, you see some friction between the two characters. Joan is now on her own, she has her own detective agency, has a boyfriend, and has been without Sherlock for eight months. She’s got her own apartment, she’s settled, and he shows back up. I think she’s a little bit hurt by what happened and how their relationship and partnership ended, which was basically his decision and his choice, and he left it all in one little note for her. I think she felt that their relationship was much deeper than that, and that he was dismissive in the way that he handled that.

IVIE: How would you define the relationship between Joan and Sherlock?

LIU: I think that it’s a really positive and good relationship, overall. They really have a good chemistry together, work really hard together, and understand each other. They acknowledge each other and respect each other, which is a really important way to have a friendship. And they can learn from each other, you know? She’s very curious about him and I think he sees that she’s a very smart person—that’s vital for him in having respect for someone, having them be intelligent and thinking for themselves.

IVIE: Do you see any of Joan in yourself?

LIU: I do to a certain degree. She’s a lot more measured and patient, for sure. She’s a very curious person, which I think I am, and I think she isn’t afraid of change. She was a doctor, and then became a sober companion, and then jumped off and became a detective. I think sometimes it’s good to make big leaps.

IVIE: You’ve probably been asked this question many times, but do you think a romance between Joan and Sherlock could ever fittingly happen?

LIU: It’s a question that’s often asked and I think it’s really up to the executives. Rob Doherty, the creator [of Elementary] really feels incredibly strongly about keeping their relationship platonic. He has already taken great strides to keep the relationship as clean as possible according to the literature, but he has also changed so much of it by changing the gender of Watson. To have them have a romantic involvement would turn the whole thing upside-down in a way that might really jump the line. [Doherty] felt really strongly about it and I think that’s the one thing he really wants to stay true to.

IVIE: I totally agree. Even on the BBC’s Sherlock, there are campaigns to get Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock and Martin Freeman’s Watson to become romantically involved. It’s like, enough already, no!

LIU: No way, that’s so weird! People do have that level of friendship oftentimes, but it doesn’t mean it’s physical. I think that everyone just assumes because there’s chemistry the next thing should be happening. I would vote “no” for a romance. I think for sure the creator would vote no on that, too.

IVIE: I’ve talked to both women and men who watch Elementary, and they all consistently mention how well dressed and fashionable Joan is. Do you collaborate with the wardrobe department on styling decisions at all?

LIU: That’s awesome. Yes, I collaborate with Rebecca [Hofherr], who’s the costume designer, who’s wonderful. She’s very easy to work with. One thing we try to maintain about Joan and her style is that she’s a bit wrinkled, you know what I mean? Sometimes it looks like things are really put together, but we always want to make sure things aren’t too tight and are comfortable, kind of like she throws things together. We don’t want it to seem so business-y, so we go away from suits. Chic, but not corporate. Also just to make her seem like her outfits aren’t so put-together all the time. But I’m glad that people really seem to like it, it’s a relief! We don’t splurge a lot on the show, we try to do cheaper things, like things Joan would wear a lot. She wears the same white jacket and shoes frequently.

IVIE: Will we be seeing more of the infamous Clyde the Turtle in the upcoming season?

LIU: Clyde will indeed be in it again. We have to share custody of Clyde.

IVIE: Is it true that Clyde is actually two tortoises? Pulling a Mary Kate and Ashley in Full House on us?

LIU: Yes. It’s just like having twins on a show. Just in case one is crying and screaming and passed out or something.

IVIE: You made your directorial debut for an episode of Elementary last season [“Paint It Black”]. Do you have plans to direct an episode again soon?

LIU: That was so exciting. I’ll be directing another episode again very shortly in December, so you’ll be seeing it in a month and a half.

IVIE: Where did your interest in directing come from?

LIU: I guess I was curious about it. Having been in this business for a while, you kind of see and get a glimpse of everything doing film and television. I think it seemed like a natural progression to go into directing, and I hope to explore more of it, because it’s very exciting and a really good way to collide all the things that you’ve known and experienced in the business and put them all into one.

IVIE: Is there an ideal guest star that you’d like to see on the show in the upcoming season?

LIU: I would love to see Mycroft come back. I really think there was a wonderful tension for Mycroft and Sherlock as well as the triangle that occurred when Joan became involved with him. There’s something very deep about that relationship, and I also think that Rhys Ifans is a fantastic actor. He commands the screen, but off-screen he’s incredibly lovely. A real treat to have on the show.

IVIE: I remember the first few episodes that I saw Rhys in, I was like, where have I seen this guy before? So I looked at his Wikipedia page and it became obvious: he was the crazy guy from Notting Hill!

LIU: Yes, the roommate! So good! Everything he does, he just kills it, no matter the role.

IVIE: And it’s always good to have some MI6 action on the show, which Mycroft provided. Some international flair.

LIU: [laughs] International flair, exactly, some added spice. Just throw some spy stuff in there to throw people off their game. You just don’t expect it, you know? It came out of nowhere.

IVIE: That whole three-episode arc at the end of the second season…

LIU: That was awesome. I was lucky enough to direct one of those episodes, which is more narrative in tone. It’s more fun in some ways, too.

IVIE: You’ve done a range of acting work for both television and film. Do you now find yourself preferring one to the other?

LIU: I love both of them equally. The lack of predictability with television is something that’s constantly changing what your perception of who you think your character is. Suddenly I have a father that’s schizophrenic, or I discovered something else, or I have a relationship with Mycroft. The things that pop up and change the game for you and always keep you on your toes. The wonderful thing about film is that you have something that has a beginning, middle, and end, and you have a concrete amount of time to shoot it. And the process of that can be longer, like editing and advertising and testing the movie, so it’s very different. Television you just continue going, no matter what’s happening outside of your world. You get lost in that vortex a little bit.

IVIE: It’s interesting that America is now embracing the “mini-series” format that has already been so heavily utilized overseas, where there are a set amount of short episodes, and that’s it. In a way, it’s kind of like a cinematic experience.

LIU: I like that, too. It allows you to have a freedom of creativity and at the same time you don’t feel like you have to be contracted to something for that long; you’re really working on a piece of art. And then you’re done and you move on, or it comes back, like Downton Abbey. You don’t know. Those things become little masterpieces. The thing about television is that you see a range of actors now that you may not have seen five years ago even, 10 years ago absolutely not, and I think now there’s no wrong about doing television. There’s no definitive category for what kind of department you fall into anymore.

IVIE: What’s a fun, secret fact about your costar Jonny Lee Miller?

LIU: A fun fact about Jonny Lee Miller is that he oftentimes does handstands on a wall before he does a take, sometimes with pushups, to get blood to his brain and get him geared up for a long monologue that he may have. He stays there, hangs a little bit, and then turns around and does the scene. Most of the time in the brownstone more than anywhere else. He’s in full costume and everything. That’s trivia!

IVIE: I wish I could do wall-handstands by myself.

LIU: Oh my god, I need someone to push my legs up and then hold me there. I’m a cheat!

ELEMENTARY PREMIERES THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30 ON CBS.

[everything-laito]

Hypersexuality and Laito Sakamaki (UPDATED)

Hiya guys! Been a long ass time since I’ve made a post like this, I’ve been getting so much ask box activity + had school so I haven’t had the time to make an original post! This has been something I wanted to write for a while, and not only was I busy with school, but this one hits home hard to me personally, so I was going back and forth for a bit writing it. But I think I’m ready :)

I know there’s kind of a general consensus that anything DL related comes along with a trigger warning whether stated or not, but just a TW considering I’ll be talking about some real life experiences; not in depth or detail of course, but just mentions of it :) Not only is this a Laito analysis but it’s also an educational tool to help other people know about this!

So, without further ado, rant under the cut! 

Hypersexuality is something that many sexual assault/harassment and rape survivors experience after the abuse. People associate asexuality or sexual repulsion as the only (or common) psychological affect after experiencing those situations. However, there is another affect that can happen, and it is more common than people think, and aforementioned, it’s hypersexuality. It’s basically having more sexual feeling and urges after the experience, in order to cope with the nonconsensual one. And it’s exactly what Laito experienced after Cordelia’s abuse.

I’ve also experienced something like this. I don’t believe I’ve experienced it in full swing, but definitely something like it. I haven’t been raped thankfully, but I have been sexually harassed/assaulted before a handful of times. I know I’ve briefly mentioned that in other analyses, but I’m just explicitly stating it here.

I first learned about hypersexuality this year actually, and my Laito nerd brain was like “holy shit that’s the name of what Laito is going through.” Then I was like “oh fuck I’ve gone through that a little bit too.” I thought going along with  would help me “heal” myself, and it really was doing the opposite. (UPDATE: realized that what I thought was a lot of sexual trauma/hypersexuality was mostly compulsory heterosexuality (but still with those dabbled in too—quite a terrible combo) because last month I realized I’m not attracted to men! Although those experiences I mentioned did mess me up a bit, realizing this is a huge step in the right direction for my own mental well being. Just had to make this correction on my part, since the original post had more emotional investment than I would have liked it to :)) 

Like I have said in my little update, I realized I was going through mostly compulsory heterosexuality while also going through some minor sexual trauma/hypersexuality. Although again, I have not had it as bad as Laito has or other sexual assault survivors (which I am grateful for that), I still have a personal grasp of coping mechanisms with traumatic experiences or experiences I did not particularly enjoy. (If you are interested in learning more about compulsory heterosexuality, feel free to send me an ask! I just don’t feel that it’s appropriate to talk about it in regards to Laito or make a post about it, since it doesn’t relate to him)

And that’s probably also why I can resonate with Laito so much, at least on that scale, and even if I experienced a grain of what he’s going through. I know he’s fictional but these are definitely real experiences and real feelings. 

Laito’s case is a bit different than just feeling overtly sexual. Although he’s trying to heal himself through sex and other intimate actions, he’s also doing it as a type of revenge. He doesn’t like purity, and in fact, he’s quite jealous of it. I’ve heard this is also a pretty human way of coping with this type of abuse, and it is why I love Yui as a character. She’s incredibly strong and sets an example for Laito. This makes Laito jealous yet entertained by her, and that’s also a reason why he probably keeps her around. He also attempts to use Yui as a vessel to avenge his own feelings (even not knowing about Cordelia being in her at first). I  personally wasn’t like that, but given the circumstances, there’s definitely people who are. Laito’s character can be so human to me sometimes, its astonishing, despite him being a character, a vampire, and just generally does some wacky or terrible shit. 

You could say his hypersexuality could also be similar to typical Pavlovian Conditioning. You’ve probably heard of the whole experiment of training (conditioning) a dog to expect food when they hear a certain sound and thus, his mouth waters. We’re conditioned by a lot of things in our lives, from triggering a “flight or fight” response from this specific ringtone or high school bell. It’s just a built in “routine” our minds utilize to process pattern recognition. I know I say this a lot, but we don’t know how vampire brains in the DL universe compare to human brains (and quite frank, I don’t think we will), so I will just do my typical human brain picking. 

In Laito’s case, he was conditioned to “love” Cordelia in a fashion that was incredibly gross. No, I won’t sugar coat it. In my Cordelia/Laito analysis, I talk about how Laito was probably groomed. Grooming is another type of conditioning. Although I don’t believe his grooming was sexual, it definitely “prepares” the victim to be exploited in that fashion later on. It’s to build a false sense of trust to be betrayed. Later on, when Cordelia started having sex with Laito, he became used to it in a “conditioned” fashion. When someone said that Cordelia was calling him, he knew what it was. He also thought it’s what he wanted, even though he knew that he didn’t. I believe I have referenced his MB Dark Prologue monologue before, but not this part of it. Here’s the monologue: 

――Who is it that I give my love to? Throwing myself away, I caught the sight of someone Someone I didn’t recognize, Suddenly, I realized I was looking into a mirror. The mirror reflected myself within it. I couldn’t see anything else. I am disgraceful for this greed. I was wearing a visage. What I wanted, certainly was love. It’s not that easy. Because of these words, I suffer. No matter how many times love is said, The only thing that will be important to me, Is only the physical contact and body.

I know I've said it in the Laito/Cordelia analysis, but Laito is visibly confused in his flashbacks. He’s trying to grasp what love is, but then convinces himself that love is physical contact, and not emotional connection, especially near the end. He knows he’s suffering but he is still conditioned to think like this. Same case for people who suffer from hypersexuality. 

Although many people do not know why it occurs, it can be a symptom or “side effect” from disorders, medication, and the like. In the sexual trauma case, I believe a main reason is that the person utilizes sex to cope with trauma, or because they are used to sexual acts being forced upon them. That’s where conditioning still comes in. He’s treated as one of her suitors, lovers, or the like. Even as a stand-in for Richter and Karlheinz. He doesn’t consider Cordelia to be his mom until the DF Vampire ending. On top of him not receiving emotional gratification which leads to all sorts of just awful stuff for him, sexual attention is the only type that he receives until Yui comes along. He is used to not having emotional support or connections, which is why physical contact is what he is more “comfortable” with, while at the end of the day it still does not satisfy him.  

It creates a positive feedback loop of him being unsatisfied, while being confused about where he’s unsatisfied in, leading to him trying to “fix” himself or avoid his own personal, emotional problems through lust and sex, but then still finding himself not “healing.” Then the cycle continues, enthusing his hyper sexual behavior even more.

I was sent some great articles from @souchiika on the DL discord (thank you so much!) and one of the articles stood out to me, since I did not talk about this type of topic on this blog yet. Here’s the link to the article, and here’s the quote that stood out to me!

Furthermore, indirect effects were also statistically significant, providing support to the hypothesis that depression and guilt would be serial mediators of trauma-hypersexual behavior relations. The paths through depression and guilt have been found to be the most significant with moderate and high indirect effects on hypersexuality. Moreover, male gender, as covariate variable, is a relevant risk factor for hypersexual behavior.

Hypersexuality is something that is still being researched like I mentioned earlier, but since these findings came out, it definitely makes sense in Laito’s case (and in general). Like I said, Laito does feel unsatisfied and even shameful of his actions, which is more apparent in the beginning of his and Cordelia’s “relationship.” In those flashbacks, he asks himself if this is what he really wants, and although he attempts to force himself to like these actions as a coping mechanism, there is still a relative degree of shame and guilt he has. It is also apparent nearing his DF Ecstacy ending when he finds out that Karlheinz foresaw Cordelia having sex with him, and even wanted it to happen. All that shame and guilt came bellowing out while he was in a fit of distress. In initial attempts to mediate this guilt and shame, he projected his feelings onto other women through sexual acts, leading to more of this hypersexual loop. I know I talk about Laito projecting a lot, but it is frequent in his character. Like I’ve always said, it’s typical “bully” power dynamic manipulation. If Laito can bring a victim of his down to his level, then he feels better about himself (but it satisfies him for only a short while, until Yui in MB+). 

Also, note that this is no excuse or justification for him to rape or sexually assault others. It is merely an explanation as to why he does it (as for my posts in general, it’s not a justification, it’s an explanation). 

Another reminder that rape and sexual assault isn’t about the sexual urges, but about power. That’s why anybody with any background can do it, given the circumstances. 

This post was a bit hard for me to write, so I apologize if I got too overtly personal for your liking. Like I’ve said in the past, I’m not writing this to gain sympathy too, and sure that sounds superficial of me to say now (although I truly mean it), I just want to use my platform as an educational tool. Sorry about the change in my typical tone :) 

Sorry if this was too much of a doozy, I really wanted to talk about it and to educate people, despite it being a bit personal. I just felt like the most effective way was to convey how real this topic is, despite this fandom knowing about it in a fictional setting. 

I hope you have a great day! -Corn

[maulusque]

guess who just learned a whole lot about burns for a smut fic

it me.

so anyway now i have Ideas about how clone medics would treat blaster burns and they Definitely aren’t all going to make it into the fic because the blaster burn is honestly supposed to be an excuse for one character to undress the other

TW: burns, description of how severe burns affect the body (clinical, not graphic) and burn treatment

So, let’s assume that damage from a blaster bolt is basically a burn that is very small in terms of surface area, and whose depth depends on whether or not it was a direct hit, any armor you were wearing, the power of the blaster, etc. So you get 3rd and 4th degree burns that are like an inch square, which you don’t really see in the real world that often. I think any blaster bolt that comes into contact with a person is going to inflict AT LEAST a third degree burn (which means the epidermis and dermis are destroyed, basically the whole thickness of the skin), but usually would be deeper (4th degree), destroying muscle and bone and whatever else is in there. You’d only get away with a second degree burn if the blaster bolt just skimmed you and didn’t actually hit. Skin around the blaster wound would be white or black.

A skimming shot (2nd degree burn) would actually be the most painful, because once you get to 3rd and 4th degree burns, the nerve endings are destroyed so you don’t feel any pain. Which means that when you get shot with a full-power blaster bolt, you might feel a momentary flash of pain, but then nothing, and if the shot doesn’t immediately down you, you’d probably just keep going, and you might not even notice. Which. Imagine the angst potential of a clone trooper being shot 3 or 4 times and just. not knowing. Clone troopers who keep fighting despite being riddled with blaster bolts, right up until they collapse dead, never even knowing they were shot. Oof.

On the other hand, a weaker shot, say, one that hit a weak point in your armor or came from an underpowered blaster, might dissipate slightly on contact, meaning you’d still get the deep wound that wouldn’t hurt, but there’d be a small area of 3rd and 2nd degree burn around the opening, which would hurt like hell. A painful blaster wound would be a good sign, since it means it isn’t as deep.

Treating blaster burns wouldn’t be quite like real-world burn treatment, because real-world burns, especially severe 3rd and 4th degree burns, tend to cover a lot more surface area of the body than a blaster bolt would, because the things that tend to burn you that badly are not tiny and focused like a blaster bolt. Which means a blaster wound is probably less lethal than severe 4th degree burns, so yay for that i guess. Bacta patches, as well as the ability to cover the entire wound site easily without risking damage to delicate tissue, would greatly reduce the risk of infection.

Treatment involves excision (removal) of dead tissue, and usually for 3rd degree burns, skin grafts. 4th degree burns tend to need amputation- but I’m not sure if that would apply in a situation where the burn is deep but very small- instead of burning your fingers down to the bones (don’t go look at the wikipedia article for burns unless you want to see that), it’s just one small area of your body, with living tissue all around it. And since Star Wars has Magic Healing Juice, clone medics probably don’t need to go around performing amputations on everyone who gets shot in a limb. 

I think that burn treatment in the Clone Wars would be somewhat like this:

-in the field, slap a big ol’ bacta patch on it, to protect the wound and help stabilize the patient until further treatment can be performed (bacta would help the body handle the sudden physical trauma, as well as actively fight off any infectious microorganisms). Most blaster burns would probably heal okay with just a bacta patch (see: Rex on Saleucami), but really won’t heal properly without actual treatment. (Although Rex seemed to be just fine the next day, despite the nerve damage that immobilized his arm. My personal theory is that Kix used some sort of mega bacta patch, a step up from the standard. The little blinky lights on it indicate that it has electric components for some reason, so my interpretation is that somehow that bacta patch has Extra Features (tm) that allow it to regenerate nerves)

-once there is more time, the patient can be treated for reals. Removal of dead tissue could be accomplished by a medic with a scalpel, but it would also be interesting if there was a patch or ointment of some kind which was applied to a wound which would just, dissolve the dead tissue without damaging the surrounding tissue. Perhaps it involves some sort of microbe. Sort of like those tanks of tiny fish you stick your feet in and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes? Like that, but microscopic and for wound care. 

-the medic would then apply a burn patch, which is essentially a specialized bacta patch. The patch not only applies bacta to the wound, but also contains a pre-generated skin graft, so that as the wound heals, it incorporates the skin tissue from the patch into the healing wound site. The patch is not meant to be removed or replaced. Eventually, once the wound is healed, the top layer of the bacta patch is shed like dead skin flaking off a sunburn. These patches were developed specifically for the GAR, and can only be used on clones, since the skin tissue is generated from clone stem cells. The burn patches greatly speed up and improve burn treatment, since clone medics don’t have to go back in later and perform a skin graft, and subsequently monitor the healing of two wound sites, which would greatly increase the chance of infection. 

-Nerve regeneration does not always occur with the standard burn patches, and if it does, is not always complete or perfect. Many clones, therefore, have small numb patches at the sites of old blaster wounds. They may also suffer chronic cutaneous pain at those sites. Unlike in the real world, treatment for this would exist, but would not be available to clone troopers since clone trooper healthcare sucks.

-Nerve-regenerating treatments, like Rex received on Saleucami, are expensive, and are only used when the nerve damage is severe enough to be disabling (e.g. Rex’s arm). The special patches are particularly costly, and normally Kix would have waited until Rex was back in the medbay in order to apply a slightly less costly treatment for his nerve damage, but since they weren’t able to transport Rex and had to treat him in the field, and the nerve-regeneration treatments become less effective the longer treatment is delayed, Kix used the Mega-Healing Patch right away. 

-so post-engagement med-bays would have the following procedure: blaster wound patients who are well enough to move on their own (which is more of them than you might expect, since they’re not bleeding out or immobilized by pain), would line up in the med-bay, probably along a wall or in a designated area. Medical techs would go around, removing armor and blacks around wound sites and cleaning the area with water. They would then apply debriding ointment (the dead-tissue-eating stuff), and move on to the next patient while the microscopic pedicure fishes do their jobs. The patient would be checked every ten minutes or so to see if the ointment has finished removing all of the dead tissue. I think it would be cool if the ointment fizzed as it worked, due to the microorganisms releasing gasses as they metabolize dead tissue, and once the ointment stops fizzing, you know it’s done.

 Once that is done, the ointment is gently removed, and a burn patch is applied. The patient is assessed for further treatment, paperwork is filled out, painkillers given if the wound is less severe (and therefore painful), and the trooper is free to go. Troopers would probably be talking to each other and cracking jokes, singing songs, or complaining about being bored. Most of them aren’t even in pain. Medics aren’t at all reluctant to physically hogtie a trooper to prevent them from moving since it’s easy to forget that you’re wounded and start roughhousing with your brothers.

-improperly treated blaster wounds, i.e. ones that only received a bacta patch instead of a burn patch, would take much longer to heal, would leave a more noticeable scar, and would cause the skin and muscle of the healing wound to contract, which could be painful and limit mobility, depending on the location of the wound.

-which is why it is common practice to check your squad-mates for blaster wounds they may have missed after engagements, and it’s not uncommon for a medic to menacingly track you down like “I know you got shot, i saw it happen, now get your ass into my med bay before i write you up for clinical stupidity”

so ANYWAY there’s my Clone Wars Medical Headcanon of the day, happy new year. I’m going to go back to writing my smut and if anyone can guess the pairing i will be VERY impressed

MORE under the cut because i fell down a bit of a rabbit hole lol

OKAY so dehydration is a big concern with burns because the skin is what retains fluid and severe burns obviously damage your skin. Fluid leaks from the burn area, since the skin is no longer present to contain it, and this leads to loss of electrolytes and dehydration, and can be lethal. From my brief google foray, it seems that it wouldn’t be a huge concern for blaster wounds, since the surface area that is burned is very small. However, multiple blaster wounds would probably be dangerously dehydrating. Clone troopers in standard blaster wound treatment (i.e. the guys sitting around bored while the debriding ointment fizzes) are probably fine with oral rehydration, meaning that someone shoves a bottle of rehydration formula at them and makes them drink it while they wait. 

Patients with more severe blaster wounds are probably kept hydrated intravenously.

There are also potential complications during or after wound healing that are very interesting! Fluids continue to leak from damaged tissue while the wound is healing, and if the surface heals before the deep tissue, can lead to edema (basically, accumulation of fluid in body tissue) can occur. Edemas get worse with rehydration. If the wound doesn’t heal quite right, it can form a compartment, which is a closed space of muscle tissue, nerves, and blood vessels, surrounded by a fascia, which doesn’t stretch. If fluid is leaking into the compartment, the pressure can compress capillaries and nerves, which is called compartment syndrome. Troopers would be told to look out for the symptoms after they are released from medbay. Symptoms include:

-severe pain, out of proportion to the wound, which does not respond to pain medication

-paleness of skin

-weakness or, in severe cases, paralysis of limb

-prolonged capillary refill time (takes a long time for capillaries to refill with blood)

This would have to be surgically treated. 

3rd degree burns in real life can take months or years to heal. Due to Star Wars Advanced Healing Juice, and clone trooper genetic enhancements allowing them to heal faster than standard humans, this time is reduced to weeks or even days (again, see Rex on Saleucami). 

[nanoland]

new chapter (supernatural fic)

(earlier parts are here; whole thing is here) 

Clean Hands, part 3 

Crowley/Castiel/Dean Winchester, warning for violence and spn demons being spn demons   

0   

Another day, another assassination attempt.

“Congratulations, sir,” said Paula, bustling in with his coffee and daily planner. “That brings it to eight, yes? I recall your making some remark about throwing a small office party if we hit ten before the end of the month.”

Lifting the corpse off the row of retractable spikes he’d installed in his desk, Crowley grunted, “It was a joke. On the other hand, maybe it would be good for morale. Make the blighters less determined to snuff me.”

“I’ll add it to the calendar. Sir, your ten ‘o clock is waiting in the lobby. Should I send him in?”

Technically, ‘ten ‘o clock’ didn’t exist in Hell. Time didn’t exist in Hell.

But by God, it did for Paula.

Infamous among Crowley’s minions, she ruled his appointment diary with an iron fist (well – iron talons, more accurately) and kept a horseman’s pick tucked neatly under her workstation for anyone who was more than five minutes late.

She’d been the most competent corporate PA in the business when Crowley had purchased her soul in exchange for a medical breakthrough that had beaten down her cancer and allowed her those ten precious years. It would, in fact, have allowed her a normal human lifespan, if not for Crowley’s hounds.

(Her wish was among his favourites and her contract had pride of place in his trophy cabinet. She could have just said ‘cure me’; she’d dreamed bigger. Ambition! Now that was what Crowley liked to see. Very few people who sold their souls managed to leave the world a better place than they’d found it.

Truthfully, arranging the breakthrough had taken an amount of power on his part that, ordinarily, he’d have objected to. Ever since the Zuckerberg Incident of 2004, Crowley had maintained a policy against granting wishes that fundamentally altered the pace and trajectory of human scientific development. But he’d wanted her. Reliable PAs were like gold dust and they almost always went to bloody Heaven. “And for what, I ask you?” he’d said to Dean once. “How much admin is really involved in keeping people locked in a lotus-eater machine?”)  

“The ten… oh, piss. It’s Alan, isn’t it? Yes, yes. Let’s get this over with. Send him in.”  

Another day, another fucking workplace harassment mess to sort out. How many more sodding seminars was he going to have to host before they all got it through their heads that biting off a co-worker’s arm was not a viable long-term conflict resolution strategy?

Sigh.

It was only after four meetings and sixteen calls that Crowley remembered he’d not yet disposed of the assassin.

“I suppose I should make an example of you,” he huffed, already imagining it.

The hassle.

The bother.

Getting an apron on.

Finding the hammer.

Lugging the stupid bastard up a ladder and nailing him to the office noticeboard by his scrote.

He could always ask Paula to do it. But, bless her heart, she’d only been a demon for six years and arranging a corpse for maximum intimidation was just as much a matter of practice as talent.

As Crowley was fetching the ladder, Gwen from Legal arrived whey-faced and dogged by two dozen assistants and interns.

“Sir, it’s a catastrophe,” she wailed.

Five minutes later, Crowley was back at his desk, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Avoidable. Utterly, pathetically avoidable. All you had to do was amend the contract to state that the phrase ‘ten years’ refers solely and specifically to Earth’s orbital period, not the orbital period of the contractee.”

Gwen hung her head. “I don’t know what to tell you, sir. Finding qualified staff to manage this sort of deal is tricky. When people with, you know, science degrees and stuff die and are damned, the assholes over at the Experimental Punishments Department always snatch ‘em up first. It’s a real problem.”

“I’ll have a word with them. Ugh – alright, alright, let’s try and sort this out. How long is a Martian year?”

“The internet says six hundred and eighty-seven days.”

“Damn. Almost twice as long,” Crowley grumbled, pouring himself a drink. “What did he even want from us? He’s a billionaire. The list of things they can’t get without our help grows shorter by the day.”

“He wanted to guarantee that he’d be the first man on Mars, sir; that none of his competitors would get there before he did.”

“Wait. Hold on. The thing he wished for and the mechanism by which he’s attempting to fuck us over are one and the same? Oh, no, no, no. I’m not going to take that cheeky bollocks lying down. Get the head of Research and Development in here, now. We’re going to find out how to crash a spaceship.”

Gwen’s gaze flickered to the assassin’s corpse. “Um.”

“Fuck,” Crowley muttered.

At which point Paula tapped on the door to ask if he wanted to reschedule his next five meetings, because unless he could deal with them all in a grand total of twelve minutes, he’d be late for his call with the NRA’s chairman.

When Castiel arrived – without an appointment, as per usual, but Paula had standing instructions to let him through – he found Crowley resting his head on his desk, fantasising about being a paperweight.

“I’ve come for more sex,” he explained.

Dragging himself from despair’s depths, Crowley slurred, “T’riffic.”

He instructed his meat suit to sit up and turn on the winning smile. Unlike more reliable vehicles, possessed bodies didn’t have dashboard lights to indicate an exhausted battery; instead, it announced its displeasure by growing three new tumours.

Castiel stepped back, confused. Displeased. “You’re usually more enthusiastic than this. Why is your desk covered in diagrams of rockets? Is this a ‘new hobby’?”

Exaggerated finger quotes. Damn him to the pit, he was precious.

“Kitten, rest assured I have only two hobbies and they both dress badly.”

He expected retaliation for that. Castiel hated being reminded that Crowley regularly dallied with his favourite human. It came as a surprise, then, when the angel simply reached out and firmly gripped his shoulder, declaring, “You need to rest.”

Wings flapped. Suddenly, Crowley was standing in front of a wide, glassy lake, surrounded by dense forest, and in the distance…

“Is that Mount Fuji?”

“Indeed,” said Castiel, smiling briefly. “She’s a childhood friend. I first visited when she was little more than an unusually picturesque bump in the ground.”  

There was no one around. There was nothing around. No boats on the lake, no fishermen, no families on holiday, not even the distant roar of traffic. Just them, the view, the water, and a – huh – a bright orange tent pitched nearby.

“This is where I come to relax,” Castiel informed him, opening up the zipper.

“Whose is it?”

“Mine.”

“Huh. I wasn’t aware that you…”

“That I what?”

“Owned things. Or even grasped the concept of owning things. Don’t give me that look; you’re the one who’s worn the same socks ever since you slipped into that God-bothering flesh puppet.”

Castiel sniffed. “Materialism is a disease. But I’m not a child, Crowley. For your information, in my time on Earth I have owned many things.”

Always fun to ruffle the pretty bird’s feathers. “Yeah? How many of them were hand-me-downs from the Hardy Boys?”

“Most of them,” he said, levelly. “With the exception of this tent and your ass, demon.”

A pin drop pause.

Castiel maintained unblinking eye contact for exactly twelve seconds, then turned and crawled into his neon den.

Practically vibrating with adoration, Crowley followed.

It was evident that Castiel, despite his laudable efforts to create a space for himself in a world that had no space for him, didn’t entirely grok camping.

There were no sleeping bags. Instead, the tent’s bottom was covered in duvets, dozens of them, soft and fresh as if they’d come directly from the shop – or, more accurately, Crowley suspected, someone’s washing line.

“I cured her dog’s foot infection,” Castiel said, somewhat defensively, settling into his cotton and fleece nest.

“Ah. And she was so grateful she said you could make off with all her laundry, hm?”

“She… did not say those words, precisely. But it was heavily implied.”

Thank sin this was only a meat suit. Thank sin, thank everything that Castiel couldn’t see the expression of hopeless, pitiable fondness that would have adorned Crowley’s true face at that moment.

It was a relief when Castiel, without further ado, started undressing. Crowley, copying him, took the opportunity to talk sense into himself.

Come on. Grow up. Get it together. You know what you are. More importantly, you know what he is. Ageless. Unfathomable. Demons, at the end of the day, are just distilled human nastiness, but him? He existed before humans. Before microbes. He’s nice to babies and bees and pot plants and Dean and that makes it easy to forget that… that…

Oh, yes. Remember when he came to Hell? The first time he saw Dean; the start of their epic, eternal, infuriating romance? And where were you? That’s right. You were with the others, standing there slack-jawed and helpless, like dinosaurs watching the comet hit. Like children gazing up at a mushroom cloud.

Twelve thousand. That’s how many demons he burned out of existence, without even trying. Twelve thousand.

Do you think he ever thinks about them? Do you think he even noticed?

Twelve thousand.

Do you think he knows how close you were to being one of them?

Do you think he cares?

He’s nice to babies. Bees. Pot plants. Dean. You, even, sometimes. He’s sweet. He’s got big, soft blue eyes and hair that aches to be tussled. He’s a top-tier, world-class fuck. And at any moment, for any reason, he could end you, easy as blowing away dust, and you can’t say for certain he would even remember your name in a month’s time.

“What? No,” Castiel protested when Crowley kissed him. “We’re here to rest, Crowley.”

Drawing back, Crowley leered. “That’s what you want to do, is it? Rest?”

Perpetually thirsty tart that he was, Castiel bit his lip and looked torn. “I… yes.”

Crowley pouted.

Firmer now, Castiel said, “We will rest for a while first. Then we will have sex. Is that satisfactory?”

No sooner had Crowley resignedly nodded than Castiel seized him and finished undressing him, tossing his undershirt and socks out the tent. When they were both naked, the cold air coming off the lake making Crowley shiver, Castiel burrowed into his pilfered pile and dragged the demon down with him.

“Rest first,” he ordered him. “Sex afterwards. No, no – stop that. Afterwards, I said.”

Crowley groaned and whined and fussed, but obeyed.  

And bugger him gently if it wasn’t actually pleasant, very pleasant, to lie there with Castiel’s strong arms locked around his torso, toasty warm under layers of wool while, outside, the lake lapped at its bank and wind rustled through the trees. No assassins. No paperwork. No blood. Everything nice and quiet. Everything calm and clean.

Then Castiel sighed, a hot puff against the back of Crowley’s neck, and said, “You know, the thing that vexes me most about Dean is the way he…”

[hovid19]

Shoot Your Shot (Spencer Reid)

A Spencer fic request from @blushingbarnes, basically Spencer just has a big crush on you and it takes him a little while to ask you out.

Word count: 1,766 words

“Hey, Y/N?”

You looked up from your paperwork quickly, head turning to meet the eyes of the man who just greeted you.

“Oh my god, Nathan?” You stood and wrapped the man in a hug. “I haven’t seen you in forever! How have you been?”

He smiled back at you as you took your seat again, his hands finding their way into his jacket pockets. “I’ve been good. I assume you’re doing well; the FBI’s a tough job and you look just as beautiful as before you joined.”

You rolled your eyes at the compliment, mouth opening to speak when you heard an over exaggerated cough from across the table. You turned your head quickly to spot Spencer, writing in a notebook as though he had just done nothing.

“Spence? You sick or something?”

He looked up at you innocently, shaking his head. “No, what would make you think that?”

You rolled your eyes once again, eyes meeting Nathan’s. “This is Dr. Reid, he works with me at the FBI. Spence, this is Nathan, we went to college together.”

“Damn, you act like I’m just some classmate you saw every now and then,” Nathan replied, hand placed over his heart with a pained expression. “We both know there’s more to our relationship than that.”

You could see Spencer’s jaw clench across the table, the grip on his pen now a little tighter than before.

“Shut up, Nathan,” you joked, hitting his arm lightly. “But, hey, we’re a little busy right now, but if you wanna reach me, you know how.”

Nathan nodded, giving you another hug before leaving.

“So, who was that?”

You sighed, knowing the question was coming any second. “I introduced you. That was Nathan.”

Spencer nodded, turning the page in his notebook. “Right... Nathan. Did you date or something?” He refused to make eye contact. Typical.

“To be fair, it’s none of your business who I dated, but yes, we did.”

He nodded again, lips pursed. “Interesting.”

It was never your intention to make Spencer agitated, but you couldn’t say it wasn’t fun to mess with him a little bit. You knew he had a giant crush on you, but if he didn’t want to do anything about it, it was on him. The ball was in his court, and after several months of flirting and you making obvious statements about your interest in him, he still hadn’t made a move. You complained insistently to Emily about him and Spencer complained to Derek. Derek had even talked to Spencer countless times about how he should just rip off the bandaid and ask me to dinner– but, to no avail. You and Spencer still hadn’t gone on a date, and were no further out of the friendzone than before.

The first thing you did when you got to the BAU after your little coffee shop fiasco with Spencer was go straight to Emily. She was your favorite person to rant to about Spencer, and you knew she’d get a kick out of this morning’s interaction with the two boys. You watched Spencer head over to Derek’s desk, knowing Spencer would complain about how he could never ask you out because you had so many guys after you. It’s what he told Derek every time, even though you have explicitly told Derek, Emily AND Spencer that no guys had ever or would ever compare to him.

“Oh no. What happened now?” Emily sighed, setting down her paperwork after witnessing Spencer make a beeline to Derek.

“I can’t stand him! I always flirt with him and tell him how I’m interested– both subtlety and very direct– and he just doesn’t do anything about. But then he wants to get all jealous and crabby when I talk to other guys,” you started, arms crossed. “My ex from college was getting coffee while Spence and I were there. He said hey and Spencer was acting like a jealous ass the whole time like we were together or something. I dated Nathan for two months. Two months! It wasn’t even that serious but Spence got an attitude about it. I told him it wasn’t any of his business who I dated in college, because, well, it’s not! If he wants to make it his business, then he can ask me out.”

Emily just smiled, laughing a bit as she listened. “You’ve gotta give the kid a break,” she chuckled, closing the file in front of her. “He’s probably just nervous.”

“Nervous about what? It’s not like I’d reject him.”

“Does he know that?”

You gave her an incredulous look. “If he doesn’t know it with all the hints me and Derek combined have been dropping, then he’s been lying about his IQ. He’s smart enough to figure out I’m interested.”

She shrugged, grabbing her completed paperwork as she stood. “Maybe he’s just waiting for the right time. From what you’ve told me, you run into guys you know all the time when you’re out with him.”

“I can’t help it I know a bunch of guys and they still live in the area. I didn’t really have many friends that were girls.”

You had gone to college in Virginia, and girls were never your type to hang around. Guys were just easier to chill with and seemed to like you better, anyway. Becoming friends with girls was a lot of work for you, and you preferred the easy way of making friends– which was essentially to not pursue any friendships unless someone else initiated.

“Just give him time. And stop attracting other guys.”

She walked away, leaving you to huff as you plopped down in your chair. Hopefully the next case would be able to take your mind off of Spencer for a while.

You were on the plane three hours later, head leaning on Spencer’s shoulder as you tried to fall asleep. But before you could drift off, Derek and Spencer had engaged in a pretty interesting conversation that you just couldn’t help but listen in to.

“Kid, she’s interested. She’s sleeping on you right now.”

Spencer moved a little bit, trying his best not to disturb you. “We’re just friends.”

“Ask her out. I promise she’ll say yes.”

“I don’t know,” he responded. You could feel his head turn, which you presumed was to look down at you. “She has so many other guys she could date, and I’m not them.”

Morgan sighed. “For being a genius, you’re pretty oblivious. She’s been hinting at it for months. I told you this a month ago, and you still haven’t done anything about it.”

There was a long pause, and you took that time to snuggle up closer to him.

He let out a small laugh at your actions. “I’ll think about it.”

After a four day investigation, the team had finally gotten a lead on who was terrorizing the city of Pocatello. It didn’t take long for everyone to suit up and pile into cars, heading to a house just outside of town. His name was Kevin Hatcher, and he was suspected of killing and raping women of Pocatello– in that order.

The cars pulled up just before dusk, the weather a little cooler than it had been during the day. It was sunny, not a cloud in the sky, and the Idahoan air offered no release from the ninety degree day.

“Y/L/N, Reid, Prentiss. Take the back.”

You nodded, gun drawn and flashlight handy as you made your way around the back, leading the three of you. The back door was just a screen, barely hanging on to its hinges. You opened it after receiving nods from Spencer and Emily, letting you know they were ready. You made your way into the house, flashlight shining in the kitchen. With nothing standing out, you turned into the next room, coming face to face with Kevin, holding a knife. He definitely had the element of surprise on his side, hitting your gun out of your hand and pressing the knife into your arm.

“Shit!” you yelped, kicking the man’s knee as hard as you could, causing him to fall to the ground. Spencer rounded the corner first, Emily following as he grabbed the man’s arms, bringing them behind his back and cuffing them together. The knife was still stuck in your shoulder. The rest of the team entered the living room, turning the lights on and looking at the scene before them.

“We need medical,” Derek called out, making his way to where you sat on the floor, your hand gripping your arm tightly.

“I’m fine, just take it out,” you breathed out, teeth gritted together tightly.

“Actually, it’s better to just leave it in place until paramedics can get to you. Taking it out could cause more bleeding and rip muscle tissue further because–“

“Spencer. Stop talking,” you groaned, interrupting his rambling and leaning your head back onto the wall. It didn’t really hurt as much as the initial entry, a dull sting by now, but Spencer spitting out facts about your wound wasn’t helping much. Normally, you enjoyed hearing him talk and list off random facts of course only he would know, but right now, the pain was making it hard to enjoy anything.

An hour later, you were sitting on the back of an ambulance, knife removed and arm bandaged. You smiled as Spencer approached. “Hey,” you greeted. “Sorry for being an asshole earlier. I was just, you know, in pain.”

He smiled back, chuckling a little and sitting down next to you. “I know. I probably wasn’t helping.”

You leaned your head on his shoulder and he kissed the top of your head, bringing his arm around your frame and pulling you towards him. This was new.

You could hear him swallow before he spoke. “Would you want to go get dinner when we get back home?”

“Where is this coming from?” you asked, looking up at him with a smile.

“Well, today made me realize life’s a little short. He could’ve killed you in there and I would’ve never have been able to tell you how I’ve felt about you for the past three months.”

You could feel heat rise to your cheeks, and you brought your hand up to his face to brush some of his hair out of his eyes. “Yes, I’d love to get dinner with you, Spence.”

He smiled back at you, kissing the top of your head again as you leaned you head back on his shoulder. Finally, the kid made the shot, and it was a slam dunk.

[oofchris]

⌠ MADISON BAILEY, 19, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, CHRISTINA ' CHRIS ' ANDERSON! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in MACGYVER SURVIVAL SKILLS & NAVIGATION + PROTECTION & ENFORCEMENT; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( speckles of dried paint on fingers, cruising round on a longboard, joints tucked behind ears wrapped in colourful papers ). when it’s the ( sagittarius )’s birthday on 12/27/2001, they always request their PHO from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ mochi, 24, she/her, gmt ⍀

@gallagherintro​

hi uwu, here is a new baby who is not very baby but still a lil baby

 . . . it got quite long so tldr; she’s a stubborn art hoe from california who’s dad died so she’s come to gallagher bc her mom is a professor in the p+e major <3 

parallels

wyldstyle  — the lego movie: 85%

mulan — mulan: 84%

nymphadora tonks — harry potter: 83%

princess fiona — shrek: 83%

robin buckley — stranger things: 82%

here is a full list

HISTORY

potential triggers — car accident, parental death, divorce

so she’s grown up on on the west coast p much ??? her whole life. her mom worked as a bodyguard for sum famous peeps, dad was doctor but occasionally also a medic in the field — they didn’t always see eye to eye and divorced when chris was around nine. it was mostly to do with chris’ future like whether she’d go to spy prep school and follow in their footsteps and her dad didn’t want that for her so they disagreed, and she lived with him instead, living a more or less normal life. her mom then moved away when the opportunity to become a professor at gallagher presented itself, so they’ve really not been close at all since then

lived fairly comfortably, either way her dad had money and her mom sent support too. her father definitely earns less from no longer being in the spy world but he vowed to leave that behind when he divorced his wife and other than a few people from his past popping up unannounced, he kept that vow. they moved around a couple times in order to keep chris safe, and especially when someone did find them ( even if it was friendly ) but mostly grew up in california, and a lot of it is to do with the fact chris loves it there so much

but chris knows about the spy world, what her mom does and the type of school she works at, but it never interested her enough to try and reach out or fight her dad on it as she enjoyed her life 

she remembers her mom as someone stubborn, argumentative, volatile which is the opposite of her dad who was patient, loving and endearing — so it’s a no brainer for her, she loves her dad a lot and he gave up a lot for her while her mom gave chris up for that world, her job, etc aka nada

BUT her dad died in a car accident recently that she was also in but was only a bit beaten up at most ( has some cuts / new scars, learn more below ) leaving her mother to swiftly pick her up and enrol her into gallagher, more to keep an eye on her than anything. 

her mom chose her majors and some of her classes for her, which chris is mad about, but mainly bc looking at what ones were offered she’d def pick macgyver anyway, and her mom argued p+e was a step into the physical and combat side of thing without being too heavy on it ( tho it’s the major she teaches so she’s biased and chris just thinks she wants to be closer ) but tbh ? chris just doesn’t want her mom to be right whatsoever or have the satisfaction of thinking she knows her daughter in anyway at all but she knows if she went undecided she’d probably pick those up again in her second year so she’s just ‘ going with it ‘ begrudgingly as if she has no choice

PERSONALITY

extremely stubborn, which she gets from her mom, would rather ruin her life than go back on something or admit she was wrong, if she apologises for something she'll find a way to do it where she's not actually ever saying the words ' im sorry ' or ' i was wrong ' and would rather start another argument than do that — but obviously she loves other people apologising to her

she is generally nice ??? i just think she can be irritated easy ?????? like a bit of a hot head tho she'd argue she's chill, she is mostly chill but likes to debate, be right, and can be very my way or the high way at times — i’ll figure her out more as i play her bc i can’t tell if she’s mean or not but i don’t think so, just a bit tougher than she needs to be 

in my head she’s like a seb/luc hybrid so . . . take that as you will 

doesn’t dislike gallagher ( mostly ) but thinks all the legacies — even tho she technically is one, she doesn’t identify as one — are entitled spoiled brats and should get their heads out of their ass, doesn't like that being a legacy is even a thing though a lot of it definitely comes from her bitter resentment towards her mom and how she'd have rather leave her and her dad than leave the spy life hbsjhbsjhb also i think bc of her mom she has level 5 clearance which . . . she’s not complaining about but definitely complaining that clearance levels are even a thing, she’s gonna contradict herself a lot, i feel it

MISC

i THINK she’s only arrived, like, at the start of spring semester tbh, she wasn’t here for fall so she is new new

halfway through her first year at stanford studying art alongside film and media as a minor before her mom brought her to gallagher — which she's kind of not happy about like she understands her dad didn't want it for her, she also wanted to just stay in california but the only family she has now is on her mom's side.

she's still enrolled at stanford, though dropped her minor, and is studying online for her major as she's made it clear to her mom she doesn't want to be a spy so she pulled a few strings with the stanford admission board to allow her studying to continue ( idek if this is allowed i'm just pretending her mom is powerful enough to do it ) — it was a big reason chris agreed to come to gallagher, not that she had much of a choice, bc she wants her ‘ normal ‘ life and her ‘ normal ‘ degree regardless of being at a spy school

only her mom calls her christina and she actually hates it so pls dont unless you are trying to get on her bad side — also she probs avoids her mom like the plague so don’t bring that up either

often covered in little cuts and bruises from her skating but she’s got two fresh / soon to be scars on the left side of her face on the top of her cheek bone and on her jaw from a shards of glass when she was in the car accident — she is the type to pick her scabs until they bleed again, too, so i picture her with loads of little scars especially on her hands, elbows and knees

she did learn self defense from her dad growing up and she has studied jiujitsu and akido since she was around thirteen, she also boxes but it's more casual like for stress and stuff rather than something she takes overly seriously

she likes surfing, diving, enjoys the kind of world that exists underwater where it's just peaceful and calm so she will be around the lake a lot / at the pool if you need to find her

she’s 5’3 and never wears heels

pansexual and while it might change i wanna say she's not overly sexual, like wouldn't have hookups for no reason ?? but potentially some one night stands or drunken mistakes or whatever. doesn't look down on sluts but i think she doesn't have the most confidence in that area, or in self esteem in general, so she'll ??? only really have a frequent thing if she feels Hella comfortable

the type to have crushes tho, but not act on them at all bc again self esteem issues 

bit of a tomboy, skater, stoner — though she wouldn't identify as one — really loves movies and can be a proper filmophile, probably has more film soundtracks on her spotify unwrapped than she does actual artists and don't get her started on Women— in film bc she won't stop 

very active, sporty, probs trying to parkour around campus

enjoys painting, sketching, simply creating things — often is filming, riding a longboard, working on some kind of little project she'll take too seriously but won't show people until it's perfect

is a little pretentious at times ??? doesn't necessarily mean to be but if it's a debate on a topic she's passionate about ( such as art, film, etc ) then she will try to ensure you know just how knowledgeable she is on it, she's not afraid to flex but she wouldn't outwardly flex for no reason if that makes sense 

she also . . . feels p dumb at gallagher tbh, a lot of her strengths lie in her creativity and art and now she’s very ??? wtf am i doing ?? but she will continue to act like she knows !

can speak english, french, german and spanish all pretty fluently, italian well enough to get by, knows a bit of japanese bc she’s . . . a weeb sometimes but also bc of her martial arts

CONNECTIONS

FAMILY / CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ( SPY ) — so this would more than likely be before her parents divorce, but she’s not against keeping in contact a little if she liked you, it could have also been a family who reached out to her dad afterwards because while he’d move away / hide his location promptly after, he would still help them if they needed it ( 1 / ? )

FAMILY / CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ( NON SPY ) — same thing, but would have probably been after the divorce, just normal families that her and her dad knew, neighbours, work colleagues, school friends, would more than likely have also needed to be west coast sorta area but if your muse was there briefly, they could have kept in contact once they’d left ( 0 / ? )

LEGACIES — she potentially . . . won’t like you if you’re a legacy and you are egotistical / assholey even a tiny bit, bc that basically proves her argument that they’re ALL like that jshbjsbjs but i wud like her to have legacies that she . . . hates that she likes as well, i think she’ll realise p quickly most are fine lmao

ART HOES — whether they’re into painting as well and they do it together or they let her paint them !

SMOKE / SKATE BUDS — one or the other, both, whatever !! 

A HOOK UP THAT’S EITHER ALREADY HAPPENED OR GOING TO — in my head she’s a bit ??? w sex tbh so maybe plot this out a bit more but can be a ?? positive relationship or a negative one idm

CRUSHES !!!!!!!!! — she’s not even been at the school long but im certain she probs has some already

i’m not good w wanted connections so pls just hmu if u have ideas and as usual like dis for plots / jus message me, i’ll be on discord !! if you don’t have/use discord just message me first on tumblr bc otherwise i wont realise jhbsjhbjhbsj

[the-awkward-outlaw]

A New Adventure - Pt. 8

Okay, y’all I know I been super absent on this piece. It’s not for lack of desire or care, I promise! It’s because when I started this, I was planning on using activities I did over this summer to inspire this, but then covid happened and I been stuck in my house all summer. K, excuses over. This one is extra fluffy with a side serving of even more fluff, so enjoy! 

Masterlist

Read on AO3

Silver Lingings

Things have been different between you and Arthur. Since you told him some of your insecurities and he comforted you, things have been better. 

You’ve never been able to easily open up to people but with Arthur, it’s different. Perhaps it’s because he’s the first person who’s told you to your face that he cares. 

Arthur has been warmer towards you. Not that he wasn’t before. But he’s even moreso. 

One day you come home from the store. You’d offered him to come, but he said he wanted to stay home, take a shower maybe. 

You haul in the few sacks of groceries, remembering the one that has the refill on Arthur’s meds. 

You’ve been doing some research on TB lately, as a way to try and help Arthur in his recovery. It’s not pretty to know that even today, well over a million people die a year from the disease, and those who recover are permanently damaged, their lungs scarred. Not only that, they suffer bouts of symptoms even though they no longer have the disease. Along with those is the fact that their immune system is greatly damaged and they’re more prone to other infections. 

The moment you walk in, you hear whistling. Is that Arthur? It makes you smile. 

When you get into the kitchen, he walks over and takes the groceries from you. “Let me help ya, darlin’.” 

You blush at his nickname for you. How can he be so terrifying in the ways you’ve seen and even made him be in the game, and yet so sweet? He’s a complicated man, and unpredictable in the best ways. 

He continues to whistle as he helps you put things away, and then he grabs the boxes of meds. You hear him give a heavy sigh. 

It’s no secret that these medications have kicked his ass nearly as well as the disease itself. 

“You okay?” you ask.

“Yeah. Just… don’t like these things. But I guess they’re better than the alternative.” 

“I know. But hey, you’re halfway through. Only three more months.” 

Arthur turns to look at you and leans his back on the counter. “These medicines have side effects, right?” 

“Course. Pretty much every medication does. Why? You having some?”

He rubs the back of his neck, not looking at you. “Yeah. A few. Kind of… embarrassin’ though.” 

“Arthur, it’s fine. My mother’s a nurse. She’s been a nurse longer than I been alive. Trust me, after hearing the things she saw, none of it really phases me.” 

Arthur grunts and then tells you in vague details some of the things he’s dealing with. Tingling in his hands and feet, occasional joint pain, and then he mentions in an embarrassed way about how his body fluids have been colored more orange. 

“Those are common, Arthur. Unfortunately nothing we can really do for most of them. You haven’t been drinking alcohol, have you?” 

He grunts that he’s had a couple beers a week. 

“Well, no more. That’s one reason why your body fluids have been discolored. It’s your liver doing it. And for your joint pain? That can be fixed with tylenol.” 

After a few seconds, you add “You’ve been coughing less.” 

“Yeah,” he says softly. “Been havin’ less pain in my lungs too.” 

You can tell he’s a little put out by the discussion of his medical problems. 

“Arthur, let’s do something fun this week. Even though covid is still strong, some places are starting to open up. We just have to reserve a spot ahead of time.” 

“How do you do that?” he asks. 

“Easy. Just by tickets on the internet.” 

He grunts again and looks out the window. The internet, well, most electronic technology baffles him. You once caught him trying to literally pop your phone open to see what was inside. He’s been more gentle since you explained phones don’t open up unless you destroy them. 

“Maybe. But… ain’t there places we can go we don’t have to reserve a place?” 

“Sure,” you say. “There’s plenty of lakes and trails we can go on.” 

He immediately perks up when you say that. 

“Can we go to one of them places today?” 

“Sure,” you say. “I know a nice little place.” 

An hour later, you’re driving up one of the many canyons towards a place called Silver Lake near Brighton Ski Resort. 

Arthur’s a bit baffled by your explanation of skiing. Even though you’ve lived in Utah your whole life (which reportedly has the greatest snow on earth) you’ve never been skiing or snowboarding. But you do your best to explain them. 

Arthur’s mood greatly improves the further in the canyon you get. He loves how wild it is, even this close to the city. And the quiet. He loves it all. 

You laugh when he gets particularly excited about seeing a moose cow standing in the marshes of a beaver’s pond, a heron sauntering nearby. 

Because you know how unusual it is to see a moose, you pull over and roll down the windows so he can see. 

The smell coming from the forest is intoxicating. 

The drive to the lake is nearly an hour, and by the time you finally get there, Arthur’s smiling. It’s rather contagious. 

However you have to catch yourself when you see how happy he is. It just makes him all that much more handsome. You’ve been trying to be so careful not to fall for him. 

The air is nice and cool up here, a relieving reprieve from the triple degree heat down in the city. 

Arthur’s donned his leather hat and blue shirt for this walk. It looks great out here and even though there’s some people, no one will think anything of his outfit.

The hike around the lake is very easy and is a good hour walk if you take your time. Perfect for Arthur as it won’t irritate his lungs. 

The path lies right against the shores of the lake, which is not any larger than lake Owanjilla in the game, and also quite shallow. 

As you walk along the boardwalk on the marshy end of the lake, Arthur stops and looks over the railing. There, you can both easily see minnows hiding in the reeds. 

Once you hit the trees, Arthur looks around. There’s no one around. 

He shocks you by taking your hand in his and just holding it as you both walk. You can’t help but smile up at him. 

At the halfway point of the lake, there is a bench on the trail. It has a great lookout on the lake and you can even see Mickey Mouse mountain, a curious mountain with a permanent bald spot that forms the shape of the famous mouse’s head. 

You and Arthur sit on the bench and say nothing. There is nothing that needs to be said here at this moment. It’s so quiet and calm, to say anything would spoil it. 

Arthur unleashes your hand, to which you feel sad about. You’d really been enjoying it. 

Then he surprises you. He feins scratching the back of his neck and then his arm drapes along the back of the bench behind you. 

It’s getting harder and harder to control yourself around him, and you find that you’re really not wanting to anymore. 

With the encouragement of the solitude and Arthur’s arm draped behind you, it’s not long before you’re leaning into his side and resting your head on his shoulder. 

Only seconds after you get into this position, you feel Arthur’s arm winding around you. 

Is this real? Are you cuddling with Arthur Morgan? The Arthur Morgan? 

It feels real, and it feels right. 

Just as you’re beginning to truly appreciate the beauty of the lake and the forest, Arthur speaks up. 

“I was afraid places like this wouldn’t be around anymore.” 

“How do you mean?” 

“Well, in that city. It’s so big and loud and… unnatural. Mostly big though. I was beginning to think man had truly driven any kind of wildness out.” 

“Well, we mostly have. But we also know the value of places like this. If we destroy them, we destroy ourselves.” 

Arthur sighs and falls silent for a moment. When he speaks up again, he takes you off guard. 

“Thank you, darlin’. For bringin’ me here. This is the best kind of medication.” 

You look up at him and are about to say “you’re welcome” when you’re stopped by his smile, the light in his eyes. That’s one thing the game failed to do despite being so detailed and lifelike. It failed to capture how truly beautiful and alive his eyes are. 

Just as you’re about to speak, Arthur closes the few inches between your faces and places his lips on yours. 

To say your heart stops is an understatement. How long have you thought of doing this with him? Much longer than you’ve known him, that’s for sure. 

His lips are better than you could have ever imagined. They’re not chapped (though that might be because you introduced him to chapstick), but warm and alive. Your hand leaves his knee and slides up his chest and to his neck. 

His free hand does the same, gently settling on your back to bring you closer. 

After a few seconds, Arthur pulls away. “Sorry, darlin’. That was… unwarranted.” 

You blush and smile. “Arthur, did it feel like I didn’t want it?” 

He smiles back. “Then… would you mind for a second?” 

You answer him by bringing your lips right back to his. This one is more fervent, more sure. 

It’s during this kiss you really begin to appreciate him, his body. How he feels, how he smells. 

Though a lot of his wild scent has been tamed by your home, he still holds onto some of it. That hint of leather, gun powder, tobacco. It’s like it’s been ingrained into his very skin. 

You don’t know it, but Arthur is appreciating the way you smell and feel too. 

He’s longed to feel you pressed against him like this since not long after he first met you. Oh, how he wished to do something like this with you during that earthquake. 

When he’d held you in his arms that night, oh it had felt so right, so pure. So good that he knew he didn’t deserve it. 

But this. Kissing you, holding you, bathed in the shade and the perfume of the pines. It’s beyond perfect. 

He doesn’t care that he thinks he’s too bad of a man for someone as good and kind as you. He just wants to revel in this moment. 

You’re both still deep in the kiss when you hear voices approaching from down the trail, and some of them belong to children. 

The two of you quickly break apart, but not before the man in the family sees you both smooching. 

He gives you both a hearty wink while the mother looks rather disapproving as they pass. 

You can’t help but smile as you blush, still nestled in Arthur’s arm. 

He rubs your back soothingly while the family passes. 

After a short while, the two of you decide it’s time to head back to the car and go home. 

Arthur holds your hand every second, and even sometimes brings your hand to his lips. 

Towards the end of the walk, the boardwalk allows people to walk out to nearly the center of the lake to either fish or look down into the water. 

You and Arthur head down it, finding yourselves alone on the planks though people can be seen on the trail still. 

Once there, Arthur takes you in his arms and kisses you again. This surprises you as you always took him to be a very private man who was not a fan of pdo. 

However, he doesn’t seem to care in this moment. Neither do you, so you loop your arms around his neck and press yourself into the kiss. 

Arthur chuckles when the kiss ends. “Sorry, had to do that. The sun hit your hair, made it so pretty. Just… had to kiss ya.” 

You smile and kiss the tip of his nose. “You can kiss me any time you want, Mr. Morgan.”

[malcolmwhitly-bright]

Prodigal Son Breakdown

I saw this thing about Dani and her more than questionable actions over the course of the season and so I thought I would break down all the characters for fun. Remember kids, confirmation bias is a thing, hindsight bias is a bitch, and have fun for God's sake. STOP LOOKING FOR SOMETHING TO NOT LIKE 

Dani

Makes fun of her ex: comments on the fact that he was inadequate and a high functioning psychopath. From what I can tell and from what I can assume, her comments are really just rude. To be fair, petty comments like these usually spawn from hurt so Khalil probably hurt her but still she’s in a professional setting

Punches Bright in the shower. I see Dani getting a lot of shit for this and to be fair, the rational thing would be to turn to shower on and wake him. As viewers, we face a hindsight bias of sorts. To us, the answer is clear. She shouldn't have hit him but it’s not that simple. Put yourself in her shoes. Malcolm is violent, it looks like he’s hurting himself and he’s frantic. Getting in that shower, she’s putting herself at risk and her flight or fight is kicked into high gear. So she hits him. It’s not like she liked it or did it for no reason. It was a gut reaction

Did drugs undercover. If you wanna be mad about something Dani’s done, this is probably the best one. There’s no excuse, not a good one

Threatened to Kick Bright in the balls. She’s allowed to be uncomfortable. He invaded her space. It does sound abusive and over the top but she has a right to her autonomy just as much as he does. It was harmless dancing but he’s severally invaded her personal space. Even if he is high on drugs that he accidentally inhaled, that doesn't excuse it. You wouldn’t excuse it if the roles were reversed

Dad in coma comments/argument. It was wildly inappropriate. It was rude and insensitive. But... Martin is a serial killer. One that tried to kill his own son (I think the team knows about this, right? Because they probably overheard the interview with that guy from the 11 episode). Because, really, I know I can’t wrap my mind around Malcolm being so torn up about Martin. It was still pretty messed up

JT

Constantly makes fun of, mostly, Malcolm but also everyone else. He makes snide remarks about Edrisa and her odd behavior. Not to mention his remark in the second episode “Don’t all murders feel personal to you”. He’s full of off-handed comments but... He’s got a military background and he’s also very loyal. He’s got no reason to trust Bright and to be fair, Malcolm sucks when it comes to the following of protocol. I would say JT’s comments are mostly a good example of just his coping mechanisms. 

Edrisa (I already know this is the one that’s gonna bring the most shit so either know now you’re going to need to acknowledge your bias or just don’t read it)

Comments on Bright’s body. I know someone is going to try and come at me but it’s not appropriate. If you want to side with the argument “it’s her personality” then remember to apply that same logic to all of the others. If the genders were swapped, y’all would be flipping your shit. She called him slender. She’s constantly flirting. It’s wildly inappropriate. On the flip, I say dumb shit around my crush too so like I can understand some of the flustered rambling

Pulling his medical records. BRUH. What? There is nothing, nothing you can say that makes this okay. She’s worried? Okay, so is everyone else. I can’t fathom an excuse for this one. It’s creepy and a huge invasion of privacy. They could come for her privileges and license for this

Bright

Told the sole survivor of the annihilated family in the 2nd ep that his family was dead. He jumps the chain of command several times and tells people that their loved ones have been murdered for the profile so he can see the looks they give. Which is really just messed up and insensitive

Never listens to Gil when he’s told to stay back. The problem I have with this one: he’s putting the whole team at risk by following them when he’s specifically told not to. He’s acting like a liability instead of an asset and that’s dangerous.

He starts seeing his father. Self-explanatory. He’s an adult with a degree in psychology he knows damn well that he regresses in his mental state when he’s around Martin. It makes him self destructive and it’s kind of childish. On the flip, Martin is still his father and it’s hard to acknowledge and distance yourself from parents even if you know they’re bad for you

The Chloroform thing. Self-explanatory. 

In conclusion,

Dani’s trust issues reflect harmfully on the relationships in her life

JT uses crude humor to cope and looks like an ass because of it

Edrisa’s emotions conflict with her work and cause her to make some iffy choices

Malcolm’s inability to cope healthily means he puts himself in danger and, inadvertently, his friends too

Do I still love all of these characters? Yes. Dani is a complex character that the show is steadily allowing to grow and for the better. JT is funny. In the beginning, it was a little rocky but for fuck sake, how safe would you feel around the son of one of the most prolific serial killers since Jack the Ripper? Edrisa is funny and sweet. She’s so smart and even if she does have a crush on Malcolm she isn’t afraid to tell him he’s wrong. And sweet, sweet Malcolm. He’s a moron but he’s trying to be better. He’s putting his best self out there.

Also, this was a lot of fun and I’m thinking about breaking down Eve, Gil, Jessica, and Ainsley next (Maybe Martin but he’s pretty easy)

[high5nerd]

Vorfreude

Aay, my first (at the time) Pitch x Reader one-shot!

Don’t fook your professors, folks.

“When understanding the root words of our modern day languages, it can be daunting to fully comprehend the detail such a language as English can be intertwined with a multitude of other languages long forgotten,”

Dr. Pitchiner was certainly entrancing when he spoke at the podium, flourishing a hand at the list of most common prefixes and suffixes used in today’s modern English, along with a surprise list of obscure ones you knew you had to take note on. Dr. Pitchiner wasn’t one to give easy exams, the last exam was so gruelling someone almost passed out from a panic attack at the multitude of pages.

Despite enjoying writing yourself, you weren’t as invested in English as he was, which was a given, hence the reason his PhD in English as well as a degree in Latin Translation. Many times he’s journeyed to Italy to help assist scholars in finding new information on the lost civilizations of Rome, Sicily, and Pompeii, and that credit alone was the sole reason he got the job at this state college. He should have been employed at universities like Harvard or Yale, or even Oxford or Princeton, but yet here he was, teaching at your simple state college with an acceptance rate of 93% and the highest transferring stat in all of your state.

   Not a lot of students found him attractive like you did. Certainly there was more than a couple handfuls of girls, pockets of them, who’ve admired his lithe figure, his graceful movements and that firm ass that was way too snug in his black slacks. Most of them admired his physique from afar, some even daring others to get closer to flirt with him shamelessly, and usually that ended up with a bad memory for the attempted action, as well as the girl who tried to drop the class out of utter embarrassment at such a call out after class that could be heard around the hall.

   Dr. Kozmotis Pitchiner took no bullshit from anyone, and that’s the main reason your heart fluttered at the thought and sight of him. This class wasn’t the first time you two had met face to face either, shockingly. Quite hilariously, the first time you two met, you didn’t even like him.

Three years ago, you were an itty bitty freshman just like the ones that recently arrived this semester, and to the best of your luck, you scored almost five hours of total free time on Mondays and Wednesdays before your Intro to Biology class and Intro to Psychology course after lunch.

Why not explore the gorgeous campus during those five hours? It would get you more acquainted with your surroundings and in small cases, make new friends! Grabbing a can of fruit juice and a danish from the dining hall, you munched as you explored the massive quad before discovering where the art gallery was, venturing towards the art and theatre buildings you’d be in the next year for your art perspective requirements. You found yourself meandering in the photograph-covered walled hallway of the English department, unknowingly headed towards the campus’s own local newspaper headquarters when a voice startled you from your entrancement with your journey.

“Hey. Where do you think you’re going?” a voice matching the texture of velvet came.

You turn around, frowning at the sudden startling noise. There just feet away from you, emerged from his office was a man dressed in what you would consider funeral appropriate attire, a smooth black suit with a basic black tie, and shiny black dress shoes that looked like they could reflect sunlight and somehow cause a car accident if he walked outside.

“I’m exploring. Where do you think you’re going?” you shot back, taking a long sip of your fruit juice.

You were mildly surprised to see a smirk cross his devious lips, his silver-gold eyes narrowing at your sass. He almost looked amused at your attitude, even enough so that his tensed shoulders relaxed, but his arms still remained folded over his chest.

“At the moment, I’m going wherever you think you’re headed, which should be in the opposite direction you’re headed.”

Ooh, he likes playing word games. You took another sip and then took a big bite of your danish, not caring about how childish you were coming off to him. You pointed towards the hallway, “Why can’t I go down there?”

He gestured his head in the same direction, “It’s merely copy rooms and computer labs meant for the Daily Mascot Oracle. Nothing worth checking out.”

“Oh. That’s a shit title.” you commented.

He barked out a heartwarming laugh. You grin at him, glad he finally was capable of taking that stick out of his ass and be a decent human being. Almost three times so far in just two days you got two people to really dislike your presence and your sassy attitude, someone named Bunnymund and another elfish looking kid named Jack who’s definition of fun didn’t match yours at all.

“I certainly didn’t agree to it either, but the editor in chief made sure my vote was outnumbered,” he hesitated, thinking quickly before glancing at you, “Are you a freshman?”

You nodded, knowing what he would ask next, “Majoring in psychology with hopefully a minor in alternative medicine and therapy.”

He looked genuinely impressed, “I must say, it’s quite refreshing to have a new student under that field. Not a lot of freshmen choose that whilst entering for their first year. What makes you like that field of study so much?”

You shrugged with a smile, “I like the whole concept of the human mind and how it functions on an emotional state. It’s interesting how certain actions and emotions can create feelings inside us, and I especially love the study of dreams and fears and hopes. I want to do a project on dream therapy for my senior thesis when it comes time to that, but I doubt they’ll let me. Professor Oren didn’t like hearing me say that at orientation.”

Dr. Pitchiner nodded, “Oren doesn’t really believe in the science behind dreams, and certainly not the spirituality behind it if you believe in that sort of thing. I certainly do.”

“You do?” you were genuinely surprised, literally taken aback. You wouldn’t have considered such an eloquent, smooth and finely dressed man to believe in a spirituality. He reeked of realist to you, you certainly weren’t expecting that.

He nodded again, “Of course. It’s only natural for the human psyche to become understandable to a certain degree, and it’s been proven through many other cultures that such things exist, like the sixth sense or empathy or precognition. Why not in dream analyzation? It’s fascinating, I’m glad you’re interested in it. If I wasn’t an English professor I would immediately return to college to take advantage of that.”

That’s when you realized how gold his eyes were, how they sparkled like the richest coins ever discovered in the vastness of the sunken world of ships at the bottom of the ocean. His eyes gave away intense wisdom, feeling and intellect that you felt the need to learn from. You needed to unlock every part of him to see beyond that gaze he gave you with that strange upturn at the corner of his devilish mouth.

Sure enough, you eventually found yourself in his class a couple years later for your required English Analysis course, and the both of you took advantage of that. You found yourself wandering back to his office between classes and office hours, knowing full well no one visited him nor had the courage to due to his harshness in class and strict code he sticks to in not forming attachments to the student body. For you, somehow you were able to break that barrier and see a different kind of man than what people upfront knew him as.

Your friend Katherine is your first and only senior friend at the university, and from her story when you signed up for his course at the beginning of the year, he was known to be callous and strict, such a polar opposite to leniency that even if you were sick with proof of illness, he wouldn’t accept that as an excused absence unless you flourished a medical note from a doctor to him. Everyone feared him, but admired him from afar since he’s the only professor to actually cut down on the bullshitters and slackers in class, and is one of the most respected professors there because of his adventures in Italy as a historian as well as a translator.

You, however, knew him as a sarcastic, good humored intellect with an avid thirst for learning the unknown, and unlocking skills he’s never attempted. From the times you would visit his office or bump into each other in the hallways and have small talk, you learned that at one point in his life he was just as brash, brazen and impulsive as you are now. Before he considered becoming a professor, he was eager to study what you were studying in now, especially the study of phobias and humans’ reactions to certain fear-triggering events or objects. You were the only one that’s ever heard him snort at a god-awful joke you would attempt at, and the only one that’s ever seen him grin at you in such a way it made your stomach flip and flutter.

Perhaps you exposed yourself too much to him, or perhaps he was just so relatable you felt like you sometimes felt like you were talking to a part of yourself you’ve never discovered before. It slightly scared you how much he knew about you and it wasn’t even the end of the fall semester, but you trusted him in ways you’ve never trusted another before. He always promised you absolute confidentiality with your confessions to him, most out of pure merriment and in the goal of a strengthened friendship, like when you told him when you were fourteen you tried blending into the popular clique but still found yourself drawn to the nerds and theater kids once more. He once gave you such a dubious smirk at the notion of you once being the stereotypical geek, with what you claimed to be the unattractive flat hair, braces and awkward gait.

“I can hardly believe that of you.” he chuckled.

“Why? You can kinda tell, don’t lie.” you winked teasingly.

He tilted his head in his hand at you, looking your figure up and down so slowly and languidly that it made your face heat up with a sudden thrill you haven’t felt in a long time.

“Whoever you were before has grew into a fine young woman, that’s most of what I can see.” he looked at you seriously, his eyes hard with truth.

Ever since that you realized that the idea of him being closer than what you two already were was something else you wanted. You thirsted for it, like an obsession. Unhealthy, you weren’t sure, but you were careful not to give yourself away to him, in fear that it would destroy that friendship you two already had. Without anyone’s knowledge but his, you both called each other by your first names. You called him Koz, and he called you by the nickname you wanted him to call you.

Even just watching him write on the board, hearing his voice wrap you lovingly in it’s deep musical tones made your legs tighten in excitement. You furrowed your brows, trying to ignore the incoming thoughts of his voice saying your name like a mantra as you wrote down everything being scribbled on the board.

The guy next to you noticed your discomfort, and nudged his elbow with yours. You looked at him, affronted, “What?”

“You look pissed. You okay?” he looked suspicious.

“Shut up, I’m fine.”

“(y/n).”

Your blood froze, looking up at him in pure fear at being called out in front of class. His hands were folded behind his back, his eyes lingering on you and only you. The class stared at you, nearly a thousand eyes focused on your nervous leg bouncing and the pen in your hand being crushed by the amount of attention drawn onto you.

“I see you have already started to discuss with Stephen,” you could swear to the moon above he smirked ruefully, “Would you like to tell us what the definition of vorfreude is?”

You gulped quickly before looking down at your paper, noticing that the last couple notes were not even notes, they were sinful descriptions of what you wanted him to do to your mouth and in between your thighs. Your face grew incredibly red to the point it prickled your skin as you stood up. You never broke eye contact with him. You can’t be weak now.

“Vorfreude is a German word to define a type of intense anticipation of imagining future pleasures.”

He nodded, his smirk subsiding to something even darker at the moment you uttered the word ‘future’, “Excellent. Glad to see you’re still paying attention despite your distractions.”

Some people snickered at your red face deepening in color as you plopped back down in your seat. By now Koz was shuffling the exams collected last week, freshly graded and corrections that could leave someone in tears if not taken lightly.

As he passed around the graded exams going over the class’s weak points and what to look forward to for the next midterm, you doodled a bit more in your notebook and wrote more lines of absolute sin into a poetic verse, something E. E. Cummings would be absolutely proud of.

You read over your lines, admiring the visual rhymes as well as the absolute clear imagery of being locked into him, his arms like a vice as he would pull your hair and bite at the sensitive parts of your neck, and even now you squirmed at the daydream of such a carnal act going on in his office. More than anything, more than just impressing him with your knowledge and sharp tongue would be for him to pin you to the desk and make you cry out his name in ecstasy as your legs would quiver with release. You bit your lip as you tightened your grip on your sweatshirt, trying your damn hardest not to accidentally make a noise.

That’s when you noticed the shadow lurking over you.

You froze. Your entire body became still with horror and your blood turned cold as Koz read over your carnal poem and observed your lewd doodles with a casual eye as he handed you your exam. You reached out for it with a shaking hand and slowly placed it over the notebook page, knowing it was too late to hide the damage.

“Please see me after class about your note-taking.”

You nodded, trying to fight tears from the utter embarrassment as he finished handing out the exams. You close your notebook in disgust with yourself. Koz continues the class until 5:45, the usual time it ends when everyone wastes no time in dilly dallying and immediately leaving, most if not all heading to the dining hall for dinner. You, planning to indulge in just a minor dinner consisting of cereal or soup out of embarrassment and sadness, packed up slowly.

“(y/n), a word please.” he beckoned from his podium.

You refused to look at him as you stepped down from the lecture hall stairs to the podium, your backpack slung over your shoulder and your confidence crumbling even further as you waited with baited breath as he finished shutting off the projector and computer.

“You have quite a knack for poetry for someone who says English isn’t their forte, as well as for a psychology major.” he calmly noted, hardly glancing at you.

You couldn’t help it, you couldn’t hold it in anymore and let it burst from your chest, all your thoughts jumbled into a single rambling mess, “I swear I didn’t intend for you to see it, I just-I just-I don’t know why I did that and I know I messed up our friendship, it’s all my fault and I’m really really sorry, I seriously wasn’t thinking and I just can’t help but feel these things and it just makes it worse when I think about you, I don’t know what to do about it-”

A hand crept around the back of your neck and forced your head up, and without even a single warning you felt warm, wet lips enveloping yours, biting sweetly as well as fervently. You couldn’t help but make a noise of startlement at the sudden action, but before you could even have time to melt into the kiss, he pulled away, a smirk on his face.

“It’d be inappropriate for me to do such things, but more inappropriate for you to act on it as well. Yet, I know you are wise enough to not pursue it like you want to.” he stated, his eyes resembling molten gold.

Your gaze flattened, “Koz, what the fuck was that if you say you’re not ‘pursuing it’.”

He grinned, “Your confirmation of your feelings, as well as a promise of patience.”

“Patience?”

He smirked again, tilting his head and embracing the feel of superiority again, “You have nearly one more year left. I wonder if you have the patience to stick it out-”

That pissed you off. You grabbed his black tie and pulled him down, startling him as you kissed him hard. You pulled away just as quickly, enjoying the look of surprise on his face as well as slight bewilderment at being cut off from gloating.

You smiled innocently, smoothing down his tie as well as the front of his jacket, “Nice to know I’m not the only one enjoying the feeling of vorfreude from now on. Have a good day, Professor.”

Without a second backwards glance, you confidently strode out of the lecture hall, leaving Koz impressed as well as out of breath at your grand exit. He didn’t realize he’d be aching for you just as much as you ached for him.

It’s only a year, right? Not too long…

Boy were you two wrong.

[danetobelieve]

It’s Party Time || Megan, Todd and Winston

When: before Megan Ariana got her name back. Who: @letsbenditlikebennett, @itsyaboytodd​ & @danetobelieve​ Where: an undisclosed college frat party Summary: Winston takes Megan (aka Ariana) to a frat party that Todd is playing at, everyone has a good wholesome time. Warnings: N/A

Nodding along to the beat, Todd pressed his fingers to the headphones around his ears, his other hand working the turntable. He could feel the beat pulsing through his shoes, the thrum of the party people getting more and more pumped with every song he dropped. It was fucking awesome. This was the shit he lived for. Sure, it was just a party for one of his old frat brothers, a party thrown because the local college students were bored and restless. But, it was still fun, just like all his other sets were fun. As the song began to end, he worked the soundboard, letting the mix come to an end to some cheers from the people who had gathered in the backyard where a dancefloor had been set up. “Alright, DJ DAYZE is stepping off for the night-- up next, RedStormz.” He said into the mic before setting about disconnecting his things and getting it all stowed away.

 Once he was all packed up, Todd pulled his sweat soaked shirt over his head and grabbed a couple of beers from the cooler outside before he wandered off to find Winston and the friend they’d brought with them. Catching sight of Winston, he grinned and hurried over. “Winston! Bud, I feel like it’s been fucking years since I’ve seen you!” Todd grinned cracking open a beer and taking a drink before looking at the small girl next to them. “You’re Winston’s friend…. Uhhhh, sorry, I’m totally blanking on your name. I’m Todd, aka,” He pointed at the bucket hat on his head and the logo emblazoned on it, “DJ DAYZE!”

If there was something Megan could always count on, it was Winston doing the most to try and cheer her up. With the amount of stress she was currently under, they had the right idea when they invited her to join them at a party. After all, they could both use a little bit of fun in their lives. As per usual, she had texted Blanche a picture of her outfit to make sure it matched. Apparently, she looked cute and so did Winston. While Winston’s friend had been DJing, the pair had grabbed some drinks and Ariana all but insisted they made their way to the dancefloor. As always, she was filled with energy and the booming of the bass compelled her feet to move. She’d been thoroughly enjoying the experience and was only slightly bummed a new DJ was taking over. Still, it meant she could meet another one of Winston’s friends. She waved as Todd approached and laughed. He was blanking on her name which was fitting because so was she right now. “You’re all good, dude. I’m Megan. I don’t have an AKA, but if you call me any variation of short, I will have to kick your ass.” 

It had been quite the month already. Winston hadn’t loved watching Blanche and Rio get love potioned, but that was done and now it was time for Winston to blow off a little steam. Ariana clearly needed it too, although they hadn’t been able to work out why she couldn’t remember her name. They were convinced it was fae related but these things took time to work out and for now she seemed like she needed the time off of the real world to just focus on how everything was working in her head. “Todd! Buddy it’s been literally forever.” They pulled their sweaty DJ friend into a tight hug and swallowed some of their own drink. They weren’t too drunk … yet. There was still time. But they were trying to keep on their best behaviour just in case they needed to step up to the proverbial plate. “Please no ass kickings tonight, let’s just all get a drink and have a good time.” Todd was a good DJ, apparently so was RedStormz. The bass thrummed and the room heaved to the beat of the music. Winston couldn’t help grinning. “Do we need more drinks? I can do drinks for everyone?” 

Face all smiles, Todd gave Winston a few good natured slaps on the back as he hugged them. It was so good to be hanging with one of their best buds! He hadn’t seen Ricky around town at all and with most of his old brothers having moved out of White Crest. They were all headed down their new career paths at “investment firms” and “law offices” and “medical school.” Meanwhile, Todd was still here, still DJing, still hoping for his big break. But, it’d come! Lots of people thought his music was great! Like the girl he’d met at that party, she thought his music was amazing! Oh-- he’d have to tell Winston all about this chick he’d been talking to. She was so cool.  “Nice to meetya, Megan. And hey, no ass-kickings needed. I’m a lover not a fighter. Gotta keep all this,” He gestured to his face, “Fresh for the ladies.” With a laugh, he held up his own beer. “I’m all good, thanks though.” Looking at Megan, he cast an easy going grin, “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before. You going to UMaine in the fall?” He asked. 

Already, this was turning out to be exactly what she needed. Between the upbeat music filling the space around them and being around good people, Megan was already letting go of some of the worries that had been plaguing her. “No worries, I was only joking about the ass-kicking,” she responded with a laugh. At the mention of more drinks, she perked up. The drinks they had started with had already left her face feeling a little flushed, but she was feeling more relaxed than she had in weeks. “That sounds like a great idea, Win. I’m good with anything citrus-y.” Even though they were standing and chatting, she was swaying a bit to the music. It was a little bit loud given her sensitive hearing, but her hearing had the added bonus of still being able to hear what else was going on around her. If she paid attention, that was. She couldn’t help but laugh. “Oh yeah, wouldn’t want to ruin all of that, Ladies Man” She gestured to his face with a smirk present on her own. She nodded along with the mention of school, “Oh! So like, kind of? The trade school is attached to campus, but I’ll be doing a carpentry program there. What about you?” 

Winston grabbed everyone more drinks as Ariana AKA Megan discussed their various studying prospects. They weren’t really sure that they had the heart to tell Megan that Todd wasn’t technically a student anymore, he would be able to explain that on his own. It wasn’t that Winston was worried about Todd, it was more that Winston was worried for Todd. They knew that everyone had to work out their own way and how things worked for them individually, but Winston wasn’t sure what Todd was going to do if the DJ thing didn’t work out. “She’s really good too,” Winston replied, “like a DJ equivalent of a carpenter, whilst you’re realising bop after bop, Ari- I mean Megan is releasing various intricately carved pieces of furniture.” 

With an enthusiastic nod of his head, Todd smiled as he listened to Winston and Megan explain what she was going to be doing. Carpentry, making furniture and stuff like that. “That’s pretty dope, dude! You gonna be out here making like… the Mona Lisa of dressers or something? That’s lit!” At her question, he took a long drink from his can of Coors and shrugged. “I graduated two years ago, did a degree in music production.” He said and gestured to his packed up gear that was chilling off to the side while Redstormz did their thing. “I’m just kicking it here in White Crest til I get my big break-- if you liked my set, you should def check out my SoundCloud.” Todd said eagerly, pointing again to his bucket hat. “It’s just my name, there are a bunch of tracks I didn’t play tonight on there.” Todd gave a thumbs up. Never hurt to plug his music, but it did feel a little weird trying to market his stuff. He wasn’t good at the whole “selling yourself” side of music. He just wanted to make some jams that people liked, and fuel parties around the world. Or at least, around the state.

“Thanks,” Megan said cheerfully as Winston handed her a drink. She had to respect Todd really going after his music dreams. It wasn’t the easiest field to make it in, but she knew it was important to pursue something fulfilling. As much was why she opted for trade school over university. “I appreciate nature motifs a lot, so more like the Bob Ross of carpentry. Keep the whole happy little trees vibe,” she responded with a smile as she took a sip of her drink. “That’s totally cool that you’re in the music game for the long haul. Hope that big break comes soon. I’ll definitely be listening to your SoundCloud. I’m always looking for good stuff to add to my running playlists.” 

Grinning, Winston nodded, “No problem.” Everything that had gone on recently was getting to Winston, so they needed to blow off some steam and to Todd’s credit they always went to the best parties with him. He seemed to have a knack for it. So Winston was hoping that this would be a night to remember and in a good way. “It’s actually really good, I listen to a lot of Todd’s stuff at work, really good for like getting in the right headspace I guess.” Winston wasn’t lying either. Todd wasn’t bad at this by any stretch of the imagination. “I don’t run, because, asthma, but I imagine they’d be pretty good for that.” They turned and looked at Todd, pushing their glasses up their nose from where they’d slipped down. “You playing any more venues soon?”   

“Happy little trees, I dig it, I dig it.” Todd laughed and nodded at Megan. That was pretty dope though. The most he’d ever done was make the stickers and logos for his merch, and that was pretty basic stuff. A small rush of pride washed over him at Winston’s words. He had no idea that Winston listened to his stuff that consistently, but it felt good to hear that other people appreciated his stuff. Especially someone like Winston, who always seemed super on top of their stuff. “Yeah! My stuff is all about pumping people up. High energy, high intensity. A couple of my bros who work at the gym love listening to it, I’m really hoping they can convince their boss to let them play a song or two.” He said. Nodding sympathetically at Winston’s condition, Todd made a slight grimacing face. “That sucks, dude. But hey, like, as long as you’ve got your inhaler, you’re in the clear most days, right?” At the question, Todd balked and rubbed the back of his head. “Uh, not yet. Just playing at Friction, usual gig. But! The Todd Man’s had some luck in other departments.” He said, practically bouncing up and down on his heels. “I met this awesome chick. She’s so cool, dude, she totally supports my music career!”

Megan nodded along as Winston spoke and noted she’d definitely need to download his songs off soundcloud. Supporting a friend was always nice, but a good playlist could really help her zone out during a run. Lately, zoning out seemed to be more and more necessary. She threw back another swig of her drink before responding, “Between Winston’s rec and how much I enjoyed that set, I’m pretty sure my running playlist is about to get even more dope.” She shrugged slightly and added, “Running isn’t for everyone. I’ve just got too much energy for my own good like 90% of the time.” Todd had a good energy about him. He was very upbeat and seemed to be a genuinely good dude. She considered any friend of Winston’s a friend to her, even Rio, though right now she’d very much like to smack Rio. Nope, tonight was supposed to be a good night. No thinking about Rio. “Pumping people up, that’s pretty awesome of you. I like that. Right up my alley.” Megan noticed the slight change in demeanor, but for once, decided not to point it out. The alcohol was definitely starting to have its effect as she nodded along. With a wide grin, she assured, “Well, I’ll definitely be hitting up any future sets you do. I’ll be the one rallying everyone to the dancefloor.” At the mention of meeting an awesome woman, she smiled. While her own love life was an actual disaster, it was refreshing to hear someone was having luck out there. “A dope chick? Good for you, man. My luck in that department is not a lot so do dish.” 

Ariana had a way of making everything sound better, happy little trees being just a single example of it. “Oh dude, that would be some dope exposure.” Winston was thrilled that things were apparently going so well for Todd. They felt kind of guilty that they had neglected their ‘normal’ friend. But when you’re constantly trying not to die because of supernatural bullshit, when you’re constantly trying to work to stop White Crest from imploding and everything else that had happened in the past few months. From witches to vampires to zombies to werewolves. Well remembering to pay your friends who have no idea about any of it attention is always difficult. It’s difficult to prioritise them in the same way and Winston felt like Todd was owed better then that. But they could always make up for that, right? “Oh yeah, I’ve always got my inhaler with me,” Winston replied patting their jacket pocket where it was indeed kept. “Oh hell yeah dude, I’m so pleased that you’ve got a girl who’s interested in the T-man. She obviously got good taste, especially if she supports the music!!”  Winston’s mind flashed to Rio and to their brief engagement to Blanche. Not their favourite memory ever but they pushed it away. “You comfortable telling us more about this woman of mystery or are you keeping it on the D.L for now?” 

This Megan chick was cool. Like, super cool! How’d Winston meet someone this dope? Not that Todd didn’t think Winston was cool in their own way-- they were so fricking baller with their coding stuff and explaining math to him back in their tutoring days. But, Megan seemed athletic, more of a people person, which was a different kinda cool from Winston. “Yeah! You’ll definitely have to let me know how you like it.” He said with an enthusiastic grin and a wave of the hang loose gesture at her. At Winston’s wholehearted support, Todd’s face almost hurt he was smiling so much. But, he waved their words away. “We’re trying to like keep it chill right now, just because like, she’s kind of a cougar? So like… we’re just on the DL. But, damn, she’s so cool. Like, seriously, she’s amazing.” At Megan’s words, he offered a sympathetic nod before tilting his head back to chug his beer. “That sucks, dude. I get what that’s like though. Dating is hard. Like, sometimes people are just too busy for it, ya know?” He chattered as he took another sip of beer. “One time, there was this super hot chick I chatted up at a bar. And like, we went back to my place and I totally thought we were gonna hook up. But, when we got inside, she was like “oh no, I’ve gotta go!” and had to leave to take care of some stuff.” Todd shrugged. “So, like, I feel you bro. Seriously.” 

It was comforting for Megan to know that Winston always had their inhaler on hand. Given they were pretty damn responsible so it made sense. She and Winston both eagerly listened along as Todd told them about the dope new chick he started seeing. While the cougar thing was a little odd to Ariana, especially given how young and full of energy Todd seemed to be, it was awesome he had someone who was supporting his passion for music. Dating wasn’t necessarily her arena just yet, but she knew it was important to have someone who supported who you were and your dreams. There was something almost familiar in the way Todd spoke, but as she took another sip of her drink, she gave up on trying to place it. “That’s awesome, dude. She sounds hella cool and supportive. I hope you two continue being happy together,” she responded with a wide grin. She shrugged at the brief focus on her own love life. “Yeah, I’m not too worried about it. I’ll eventually find someone that’s right for me.” It was hard to shake the feeling that she already had but he was in grave danger. The thought was enough to make her finish off her drink. “Damn, that’s a buzzkill, but sounds like you found someone better anyway,” she added with a loopy grin. 

Winston wasn’t sure that any women older then the age of 25 years old would particularly like being called a cougar, they also seriously questioned whether Todd being with a cougar was a smart idea. But in this they had to trust their friend. Even if his judgement hadn’t been entirely perfect in the past. “Oh that is  ….” Winston tried to think of the right word, failing that they went with the easiest, “really cool. I’m super happy for you. Dating is always kinda shitty if you’re not with the right person, I’m glad it’s going so well.” Winston wondered if this super cool chick would’ve bounced so quickly if they’d gone back to her place, Todd’s place was incredibly … frat. “It’s a harsh world out there, you’ve got to protect your heart.” Literally apparently. Metaphorically too. It was, well White Crest seemed to be getting more and more complicated by the day. Winston was starting to really struggle to keep up with it all. “And, you know that there’s no rush right, sometimes spending time on your own helps you realise what you really want from something or someone or whatever,” Winston was sure that being single for 24 years must have done some good for them. Though they weren’t entirely certain what that was.

Grin still plastered on his face, Todd could barely contain how pleased he was. Winston was in their corner on this, which was like, one of the big seals of approval in Todd’s book. He really wanted to introduce her to his friends one day, but she’d been really like, insistent that they keep things chill and under the radar. And he could totally do that! But, still, he wanted to make sure his buds knew. And that included Megan now! She was a super dope chick, with her cool furniture Bob Ross gig lined up. “Thanks, forreal!” He beamed, though the expression faltered slightly at Winston’s words. Spending time on his own? Nah… No, he didn’t dig that. Like, outside of when he was working on his new tracks, being on his own-- that wasn’t something he wanted. He wanted to be where the people were, putting his fingers on the pulse of what was going on around him. Draining the last of his beer, Todd flattened the empty can against his head before chucking it into the overflowing trash can nearby with a cry of, “Kobe!” Looking at Megan, he offered two thumbs up, “You’ve got time, dude. Like Winston said, nothing wrong with being on your own for a little, ya know?” He said before tilting his head at Winson, “What about you, how’s things been going for you?”

Tonight had turned out to be exactly what Megan had needed. Between the loud music, her friends, and the fuzzy feeling the alcohol left her with, all of her stress seemed far away from her now. It was nice to hear that Todd’s love life seemed to be treating him well. She hoped the same was true for Winston and Rio now that the love potion was no longer a thing. With Ace in the back of her mind, she refused to truly contemplate her own love life. “You got the harsh part right on that one,” she said with a laugh. “Everyone has their own timeline though,” she added with a shrug. Her own timeline was a little behind most, but she spent so much time moving around it had been hard to form close bonds. Things were different now. She still wanted someone who could accept her fully-- wolf and all. Anything else seemed not worth it. As Todd threw his beer into a trash can and yelled out Kobe. She followed up with her own drink, “This bitch empty. YEET!” Her empty cup was now on top of the trash can and she turned to Winston so she could listen as they answered Todd’s question. She was curious for the answer as well. She hadn’t been over the house as much since she’d been mad at Rio. 

Whatever happened in their life, Winston had to admit that they would be grateful to have Rio in it for just as long as he stayed in their life. The potential loss of Rio was not something that they wanted to discuss, but it wasn’t a thought that they relished. “Uh, yeah, i’ve got a boyfriend right now, my friend, well I guess boyfriend Rio, or Orion, I don’t know if he introduces himself to everyone as Rio but…” Winston couldn’t help but smile, Rio was the best, “he’s great, he really makes me feel … I don’t know, what I assume that you’re meant to feel when you’re in a relationship but yeah he’s special to me.” Winston grinned at Megan or Ariana or whatever they were calling her. “I guess I’m just really lucky.” 

[aizenat]

Regarding claims that asexuals weren't around, I have read old documents from well before AVEN was made discussing how the community viewed asexuals as a flavor of bisexuals since both groups feel equally attracted to all genders. The difference of that equal attraction to all genders being zero for for asexuals was a later distinction. Just because the labels weren't made yet doesn't mean asexuals popped into existence when AVEN was made! (This is similar to how the lines between the lesbian and bi women communities used to be a lot fuzzier back then, with both gay and bi women being labeled under the lesbian umbrella. Labels have changed over time.)

It is indeed different from BDSM because BDSM is a fetish about how people like to perform sex and is not directly related to attraction, marriage, and other orientation-relevant topics. Your comparison makes it seem you misunderstand asexuality as a function of sexual performance rather than orientational attraction. Which is wrong. It is 100% about attraction! Within the label of asexual, people still fall on a spectrum of liking sex to not liking sex independent of their asexual lack of attraction to any gender. It is not abstinence it is not preferences in bed, it is purely the lack of ability to be attracted to others. You may have defined LGBT+ as only "same sex attraction" but plenty others in the community--dare I say the majority of the community defines it as simply not being straight and/or cis.

Asexuals get medically mistreated in similar ways to gay and trans people through attempts at conversion. Asexuals get bullied, abused, correctively raped, etc by violent homophobes for all the same reasons too. Asexuals do not perform attraction and romance to the satisfaction of homophobes. Asexuals need community for the same reasons you do. They need similar protections from discrimination against orientation. This push to exclude asexuals is a rather recent trend that helps nobody, only serves to divide a community of vulnerable people that is strongest when united.

You’re a fucking liar, and disgusting and I hope you know that. 

You don’t get to retroactively tell people how they identified. You’ve “read old documents from well before AVEN was made discussing how the community viewed asexuals as a flavor of bisexuals since both groups feel equally attracted to all genders?” Liar. You mean you’ve read RECENT articles of people analyzing texts describing bisexual people and reading that as “asexual” even though that’s not how those people identified. 

You want to know how I know you don’t know SHIT about gay history? “This is similar to how the lines between the lesbian and bi women communities used to be a lot fuzzier back then, with both gay and bi women being labeled under the lesbian umbrella.” That never happened! Lesbian/gay women identified as such, and bi women identified as bi! Back then, bi woman said they were bi with their whole chests! They didn’t go around calling themselves lesbians! They do that now! Like what the fuck revisionist bullshit are you on about? Fuck off. 

Asexuality is not a sexual orientation because by your own definition, asexuals do not feel sexual attraction. What kinda nonsense? And there is no way for an asexual to “like” sex or whatever nonsense. You guys just made that up because in our hypersexual world, you don’t know the difference between someone with a low (or, hell, a healthy) libido and an actual asexual person. 

And shame on you, and there is a special place in HELL for you, for bringing up violent homophobia and conversion therapy and corrective rapes. Are people going around writing laws forcing you to have to have sex with someone? If you ever wanted to adopt, would the agency disqualify you for being asexual? 

The medical ish is real, and obviously traumatic, but to pretend that’s on the same level as conversion therapy (seriously, a deep, dark, HOT place in hell for you for that!), is deplorable! You have obviously never been to one, been threatened to be sent to one, or even spoken with someone who went through conversion therapy to pull that out of your ass. 

This is the reason why people don’t like you idiots. You take what could be valid critiques of our society’s views towards sex (hypersexuality, medicalization of low libidos, conservative expectations of relationship dynamics that treat people as broken for not wanting or enjoying sex) and morph them into fallacies, half truths, and false equivalences. You’re literally taking the experiences of other groups of people, and trying to say they happen to the same degree, and from the same place, as what asexuals face when that is just NOT true based on reality. 

You could grow up to be an adult, quietly never get married or date, and live your entire life without having sex and no one will kill you for it. Homophobes don’t care that you’re not fucking other people. They don’t care enough to use gay panic as a defense to murder you, they don’t care enough to ban you from marrying, you weren’t ignored during the AIDS crisis, you wouldn’t have to hide the fact that you don’t have sex from colleagues for fear of getting fired from your job for it, you don’t have to worry about being sent to camps to be electrocuted or sent to mental institutions or religious conversion therapy camps. Not now, not 20 years ago, not 50 years ago, not EVER. 

You can play the “we’ve always been there” game because there have always been people who probably would ID as asexual today, but the vast majority of those people got married, had kids, and that is more due to the fundamentalist religious nature of western society, especially in America, than it would be due to homophobia. Completely intellectually dishonest. 

Don’t fucking send me any more fucking shit, and if you do, come off anon so I can block you. In fact, I’ll make it easy and turn it off so you don’t hit that button by mistake. 

I have seen and experienced first hand real life traumatic homophobia, so don’t ever in your life try to come at me with that shit. I spent years thinking *I* was asexual because I was repressing my sexuality.

And that’s the biggest issue I have you with weirdos. Talking about “you can like sex and have sex and be asexual” nonsense. I see so many kids coming up that are taking LONGER to realize they’re gay/same sex attracted because they don’t relate to the hypsersexual, porn-obsessed way sex is portrayed. And they hear THIS nonsense and think “oh, I’m asexual.” Then they grow up, get interested in sex, and have literal mental breakdowns over their identities because they made not wanting to fuck their hogwarts house badge. 

We’re not talking about grown adults who have gone through numerous experiences coming to an understanding of their sexualities. It’s a bunch of kids who don’t realize that it’s normal to not experience overt and raunchy sexual attraction, that only wanting to sleep with someone you’re in a relationship with is literally normal, and who aren’t even old enough to legally rent a car trying to tell grown adults about their lived experiences. 

Fuck off mate. Just fuck off. You’re an idiot, and if you think you’re going to convince me of your side, you’re not.

And you really want to know how you’re not LGBT. Because with all the alphabet soup terms that have come up to describe bisexuality 40392092039220 times in recent years, gay people have (for the most part) not said that these people aren’t same sex attracted. Because, despite how unnecessary, they are same sex attracted. But you lot are the ones actual homosexuals and bi people are like “nah, you lot are weird. We don’t know you.” And there’s a reason. Because this response, aside from being intellectually dishonest, historically inaccurate, and filled with logical fallacies and bad-faith arguments, was at it’s very core WEIRD. 

You’re weird. Now sod off. 

[legobiwan]

Just got home from The Rise of Skywalker. No pithy intro, I’m just going to jump right in and it’s going to be a LONG rant here so buckle up, my friends, and be sure to read below the cut. SPOILERS AHOY YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Okay, so yes, the first third of the movie went at a blistering, nearly nonsensical pace. JJ  really had to cram a whole watermelon’s worth of exposition into a...well, you know, there was a lot to take in. This movie had to do so much telling instead of showing because it was such a departure (and middle finger to TLJ) from what came before. 

The thing was, the first third was also the most interesting part of the movie. I actually wish the whole trilogy had started with all of the Sith nonsense. (Actually, I wish they had started with Kylo absolutely wrecking shit like he did and then the Palpatine scene. People would have made all the wrong assumptions and it would have been glorious to unravel it over three films.) There is a strong history of Sith artifacts in both Nu-Canon and Legends, and it wouldn’t have been out of place, considering what we know now, to have made Rey, Poe, and Finn’s quest for these artifacts the start of the new trilogy, and then told the rest of the story in a non-linear timeline. Probably too experimental for a Star Wars reboot, but it would have grabbed attention and everyone like creepy Sith shit. 

Frankly, I would have dropped zombie-robot Palpatine at the very start of the trilogy, as well. It’s bonkers but I don’t hate the Rey Palpatine thing and they could have spent the rest fo the movies explaining this weird-ass lineage and how it relates to Kylo, Snoke, etc. and then have built back to the final confrontaion on Exegol. 

Leia. Trained. Rey. I so so so so so wished we had been able to get more of this. This, in my mind, is what it should have been all along. I liked TLJ (okay, so shoot me) but Master Leia is a whole other level of awesome. If I had to rewrite Luke and Leia’s roles, it would have went something like this:

Luke was searching for Sith artifacts. Luke was becoming disillusioned by what he was learning of the Jedi through “The Sacred Texts.” WHO DOES THAT SOUND LIKE? Hmmmm, I wonder....

Could you imagine Luke started to go a little Dooku in this respect, and so instead of fucking off the Ach-To because he had a feeling that was more “gravy than of grave” about Ben Solo’s dark sidedness, he fucked off to Ach-To - or even better - gave up training in order to keep himself from going down a darker path. 

And so instead, Leia is getting involved with training (and probably also governing at the same time because she would be an overachiever like that.)

Enter Ben Solo, who is Force sensitive, strong, being trained by his mother and occasionally his uncle, who is not totally plugged into the light side at the moment, which can rub off on Ben. Meanwhile, Han is maybe not the best father (he wants to be, he tries, but it all comes out wrong. I’ve been watching a lot of Psych lately, so I’m thinking of a dynamic similar to Henry and Shawn, but a little more dramatic.)

Of course, Palpatine is seeing all of this behind the scenes, he’s fostering ill will and discontent through the scattered remains of the Empire, sending Snoke clones out to be almost pseudo-religious/cult figures in the wake of the economic and social devastation left by the Empire’s fall and the floundering new government. Extremism, in pockets, rises. Extremism which preys on discontent, which preys of the desire for family, for belonging. 

Enter again Ben Solo, who has been pitted against the other strongest trainee, Rey (insert whatever last name you want. She knows it’s not her real name, she knows she was an orphan on Jakku, but she was brought by Luke to be trained). Ben is pissed how she and Leia bond, has been talking to his uncle, and perhaps encountered a Snoke clone on the way. 

Rey, on the other hand, is no one but wants to be someone, and that manifests in weird ways during her training. Perhaps she leaves at some point, perhaps not. But the seeds of her being Palpatine’s bloodline are laid within her. She wants to seek that belonging Ben has.

Okay, but getting away from my personal rewrites of the sequels, Star Wars is about family and lineage, both blood and found. There was so much potential to play on this throughout the trilogy with the Skywalkers, with Rey’s relation to Palps that if they had just planned the damn thing, it could have been brilliant. 

Moving ...(for now)

I felt so bad for Oscar Isaac. I felt like I watched his soul slowly depart his body over almost 3 hours. That man was not a happy camper and it came out in his performance. 

Power levels. Here’s the thing, guys. Magic needs to have consequences. Sure, you can cast a spell, but what does that take from you? You can use the Force, but to what degree? How much? Even Anakin exhausted himself at some points, and he was (allegedly, according to one Qui-gon Jinn), the Chosen One. It’s the first law of thermodynamics - energy can neither be created nor destroyed - and the Force is literally the energy of every life thing in the galaxy. You take the energy, use it towards something else, it has to drain from somewhere. This is what bugged the hell out of me with Rey’s Force Healing abilities (an ability that doesn’t thrill me to begin with as it’s so easy to overuse). Kylo keels from resurrecting the dead (and yeah, he was pretty beat up already), but Rey barely seems to breathe a beat harder. Once you start ignoring the consequences for magic, you end up like a shitty video game, and one of the criticisms I’ve leveled at the movie is that it feels like a montage of Battlefront and I can’t say that’s totally off point.

JEDI HUNTERS. Ochi. I will bet my right liver we’re going to hear something about this on The Mandalorian. 

So I know a lot of people wanted to see Rey Kenobi, but there was one piece of glaring evidence in the film why that would never be. (Aside from Kylo just announcing it to Rey.) She has a lightsaber, but she still ends up using a blaster. So uncivilized.

Speaking of The Mandalorian - Stormtroopers with Mando jetpacks. Hmmm.....

I loved techno-Sheev hooked up to all the equipment just floating. That was creepy as hell and played with the whole cloning and extension of life that was such a large part of the Darth Plagueis novel (which I still consider to be canon, higher powers be damned). Also, Palpy’s glowup with the wardrobe was hilarious. 

Dark!Rey was hot. There, I said it.

Let’s talk about romance. Or the lack thereof. Or the shoehorned thereof.

Poor Rose got shafted in this film with no explanation. I didn’t buy that whole thing in TLJ, but god damn anyway. (Finn also got shafted, for different reasons, which I will talk about later.)

If they were going to romance, just let it have been Finn and Poe, Finn and Rey, or fuck it, even a trio. 

I mean, I could have bought Reylo if it had been presented better. (With context. Adam Driver is an amazing actor, another thing I’ll talk about later.)

The Reylo kiss though - my theater laughed. No joke.

Of course, this was the same theater that thought Lando was trying to mack on Jannah at the end, so who knows what we were all thinking in there. (On that note, Lando was hilarious because no matter what, he was just having a grand ‘ol time in the movie. I like to think he got a medical spice card in his retirement years and was just enjoying anything that came his way, be it Wookiees, Jedi, starships, wars, whatever.)

While the Reylo kiss didn’t hit the mark the space lesbian background kiss got cheers, so there was some hope for my fellow theater-goers.

Did anyone pick up on Threepio saying the Senate made the bill that would render him incapable of translating the Sith language? No doubt that was a Palpatine move from TCW era. 

What is up with these movies and desert/jungle planets? Ugh. Thank everyone for Kijimi, at least that was interesting. 

New characters I loved: Babu Frik and DO. 

Finn’s Force sensitivity. Yes, I totally buy it. I wanted more. I wanted more fucking context of a Stormtrooper who would have known nothing of the Jedi getting these feelings and then bailing from the First Order (or, if I were writing the movies, bailing from the remnants of the Empire/Snokes weird military cults.) Totally underutilized character development. 

We. Were. Robbed. of Good!Ben. Adam Driver is so phenomenal. Form the little we saw of redeemed Ben, he is the perfect mix of his parents, from the “Ow” to the eyebrow wagging, the swagger, the smirks...I LOVED good!Ben. I wanted so much more good!Ben. What a transformation.

Speaking of which - the scene between Kylo/Ben and Han was terrific. I wish we had had more context for why everything went south, but it was so good and the type of family dynamic we really needed more of. 

The Knights of Ren looked awesome in this film? They needed to be like the Black Order of Star Wars, and they were getting to it, but not quite there. Gods, they could have been the enforcers of Snoke’s cults (Palpy’s puppet cults) that could terrorize far more than a normal, brainwashed Stormtrooper, who was only useful as cannon fodder (I mean, if we look at the history of the clone army to the Stormtroopers, it would be terribly fitting.)

That ship tug-of-war was DUMB. (See my rant about magic and consequences). But, if Rey was going to shoot lightening Palpy-style and blow up a ship, Chewie should have died. I’m sorry, that’s terrible, I love him, but there needed to be consequences for actions and throughout the film, there were either no consequences or random consequences that were a narrative convenience rather than developed into the plot/characterization/worldbuilding. 

Here’s the thing with the ST - there is so much potential. There are some awesome ideas. But they wanted to play if safe with JJ by rebooting the OT, Rian was too far out for them, there was no cohesive storytelling, and so we get these little glimpses into what could have been amidst a shitstorm of trailers for Battlefront 17. 

we could have had it allll....

Final rating: 4/10

[soulvomit]

This has been bugging me so much. I feel like a lot of the hegemonic culture tries to push something on us that’s fantasy for most of us, has no connection to our actual material realities.

When I’ve dealt with therapists, teachers, etc, especially in the post-80s ~PoSiTivE ThInkIng~ culture, it’s almost like lots of people move through life, from birth to death, in a kind of synthetic, created world where authority figures have done their best to protect their precious children from knowing that material realities and consequences *even exist.* Look at how upper middle class culture has a tendency to think that children should be sheltered and has a tendency to think its children’s ignorance of material reality is some kind of aspirational ideal.

There is almost an age milestone at which one is “allowed” to learn about the actual material realities of life: the existence of poverty, sex leading to babies (something anyone knows who lives close to animals), old age (where elders may have a stronger presence in other culture spaces), disease and disability (because spiriting disease and disability out of sight, isn’t as easy in poorer communities), that racism actually exists, and that people actually do horrible things to little children (because rich people are more easily able to shield their offspring from these realities). Any deviation from an “ideal” picture of family life that only exists on TV (and whose imagery still largely is based in 1950s Hayes Code imagery) is considered deviant. 

But the thing is, you don’t have to be rich to have grown up in FakeWorld. There are major social institutions that promote this worldview. There is also a strong current of thought in which if you just *believe* in FakeWorld enough, and don’t believe that material realities actually exist, you’ll become rich! 

You don’t necessarily have to be rich, you just have to have grown up in a monoculture space with parents who have the social and or economic ability to totally wall you off from the outside and to have all of your information come from their carefully vetted sources (one of the rules of FakeWorld is that nobody else is ever allowed to educate your children.) 

Also, in FakeWorld, everything is socially engineered from the top down in terms of “the children,” but this means that you grow up thinking everything revolves around your asshole and that the world will *forever* be catered around your preferences (which you go on to project onto your own children). Because at what point do we stop ever being “the children?”

(This is its own kind of oppressive if you’re woman because this means you’re expected to go from basically being a child, to portraying yourself as someone that one would have  FakeWorld babies with/being an ideal partner for someone so you can continue living in FakeWorld, to having children in FakeWorld. The end result of this is that if you’ve been reared as a girl and live as a woman, it may be expected to some degree that *all content you ever take in or create* basically has to be PG rated.)

You’re born, your family (and the families they want to fit in with) dictates the content you’re allowed to consume and the people you’re allowed to be around so that you never learn about the world Out There (that the rest of us live in).

In middle class FakeWorld culture, your profession has been selected for you from birth in ways that you won’t admit to, but you’re heavily coached to represent your life as the product of your choices and never, ever admit that you did something based on material realities or access. (There is a lot of gaslighty stuff here and everyone just kind of has to go along with it. I feel like with the admission that the middle class is breaking down, we’re admitting this shit more, but if your main social policing comes from people over 40, you probably still have to deal with it.)

And within upper class FakeWorld, material realities don’t actually exist, and nobody *has* to do anything; it’s all about your choices, and you *have* to Pursue Your Dreams, and your dreams must *keep* you in FakeWorld. (But it’s okay to engage material realities of life if it means you go Over There to do it, and come back to FakeWorld in the end, with good vacation pictures.) 

If you’re in FakeWorld and you have any real, material situation that makes those aspirations harder to reach, then you’re expected to just double down on your effort because you’re obligated to be an example to other people. How DARE you point out that FakeWorld is, well, fake.

The thing with being in FakeWorld is that so much of your experience of actual material realities of life, is *curated.*

You may grow up having no idea what actually happens to old people, for example. They just go to live at Shady Acres, don’t they? Then they die? You don’t ACTUALLY have to take care of them, that’s not part of the material reality of any person around you. Once people have been removed from your curated, suburban FakeWorld lifestyle, they no longer exist, out of sight, out of mind - so your parents, to you, actually died when they were removed from your experience, they’re just shells of their former selves anyway. 

When I interact with people whose worldview is heavily informed by FakeWorld and I try to talk about my obligations toward my family, it totally flies over their head. “You don’t HAVE to take care of your parents.”

They haven’t had to deal with the “rocks are hard and water is wet,” unsexy, material reality of old age yet. They don’t know that they’ll have a role in advocating for their parents’ well being in “the system.” (And maybe if they’re from rich enough backgrounds, their parents won’t have to be involved with public based services at all, and will be more prioritized in the medical system.)

Maybe this is a “youth” thing, because I think a lot of us who don’t come from traditionalist multigenerational culture spaces, or from poverty, assume that we’re going to fly free like butterflies and never be obligated to our parents for anything ever, ever again. (Part of this though is the FakeWorld unwritten social rule where you’re not supposed to ever admit you have any kind of obligations or are part of any kind of social contracts. I feel like I’ve gotten into so many stupid arguments with people who insisted, “you don’t HAVE to do anything!”)

Maybe when they get to the stage in life where they have to go to their mom’s doctors’ appointments with them so that their mom gets care at all (this became a reality of my life once my mom started having gray hair), or they’re even having to look at a boil on their 80 year old dad’s ass, they’ll feel differently. But part of being rich enough is being able to buy your way out of these kinds of mundane problems. 

Another aspect of FakeWorld is that if you’ve been raised in FakeWorld, then there may be certain things you can never really accept or tolerate that are part of the real world, that most people have to deal with, and if you’re particularly privileged then you may expect other people to maintain the ruse for you.

This was long and rambly, I realize.

But it’s been bugging me. It’s some shit that infects every conversation and every discourse on Tumblr that many middle and upper class people are in, because it’s about the basic set of assumptions ABOUT REALITY ITSELF that are propagated among many Americans and if you don’t want to go along with this, you can’t just say “well maybe your whole worldview is based on a set of lies,” because you’ll be labeled mentally ill, or your worldview just won’t be considered relevant. (There are probably race intersections, because if you’re not a white person and you’re middle or upper class, you’re also supposed to be quiet about the material reality of racism.) 

And what’s more is that there are only a handful of people allowed to talk to you about reality and it’s based on how well they’ve absorbed the FakeWorld worldview and can parrot it back, and whether or not they have the right credentials and optics to do so. The white right do it through pastors and the white left do it through privileged university professors, but at the end of the day, it’s two different flavors of FakeWorld. FakeWorld has set up its own set of credentials so that everyone else who disputes it, can be labeled and discredited and written off.

The reason life experience is so discredited as meaning anything is exactly because life experience is absolutely counter to the whole point of FakeWorld. 

It’s been in my craw for a while, and it’s annoying the shit out of me in many discussions I have. Even the “wokest” people are still in this same basic worldview. And they try to approach social justice issues while still firmly entrenched in that worldview, and while protecting their own right to stay in FakeWorld. Because it’s not like anyone really *wants* to be disenfranchised.

[hustlemeanokay]

Warning - this got a little long winded... but it’s something that I just... I get long winded about lol. Also - I’m not trying to rag on anyone in the UK who dreams of living here... though I don’t understand it. It’s just - you should be aware and I don’t see this said enough. Yes, it’s delivered in a very passionate way, because it’s shit that is frustrating for people who live here. And I know the UK is far from perfect but the things that y’all do have down, y’all have it down pat. 

Okay, I get that the US isn’t a completely horrible place to live, currently. Like, we don’t get jailed for saying Trump’s a complete and total fucking moron. See, I can say that and not have my door busted in and be hauled off to some hole in the ground as a political prisoner. 

But when I hear people who live in, like, the UK saying they want to move to America... I swear my left eye twitches just a little bit. Like, I get it - the grass is always greener and all that but... seriously? Are... are they serious when they say that? They... they’re aware of the problems... right? 

Not the social and political problems - those are everywhere. There’s racism and sexism everywhere, there’s corrupt politicians everywhere. That’s not what I’m talking about - yes those things need to be worked on but their virtually identical no matter where you are. 

I’m talking about things like... health care. Paid time off. Employment laws. The cost of college. The cost of retirement. Fuck, the cost of living. Those things. These systemic problems that are just... glazed over. That effect every single person in this fucked up country. Unless you’re of the super rich - every single one of these things are a problem for you. 

Health care. They’re trying to get the whole pre-existing condition thing rolling again. Where, and I’m not even kidding, Trump’s dumbass admin is trying to roll back the Affordable Care Act - which would once again put pre-existing conditions back into play... which pregnancy was considered a pre-existing condition. I wish I was making this up. That’s just a small window into how fucked the system was and could so very easily be again. By the way, the ACA didn’t happen until the mid-90′s. So my generation is the first that was able to actually get pregnancy fucking covered under insurance with no bitch-sessions. And, just for comparison - for the UK peoples out there, we paid over $4000 for the delivery of our son over ten years ago and we had extremely good insurance then that we paid over $800 a month for at the time. That was just his bill, not mine. Just for him. Also - for example... we have insurance, it’s not great insurance but it’s insurance. We pay about $100 a week for it through my husband’s company now. And, to date, this year... we’ve paid... out of pocket, not including the company’s one time benefit of $1500 on an HSA card which is nice but ultimately gone in a heartbeat, so, out of our pocket... not including premiums... we’ve paid almost $10,000 in medical expenses. Only $1000 of it is out of ordinary, for my husband’s procedure that he had to have. The rest has all been RX’s, doctor’s visits, and labs. So yea. There’s that. 

Paid time off. You’re fucking lucky if you get any of that here. That’s why companies tout it as being a benefit. “Oh, this company has good benefits” Good benefits = they actually offer insurance, doesn’t mean it’s good - and you get some semblance of paid time off. Companies here aren’t required to pay you anything extra for working on national holidays and they don’t have to give you any paid vacation or sick days, at all. They are only required to give you maternity leave of 6 weeks or paternity leave, if you request it but none of that is required to be paid either. There’s Family Leave, also not paid time off. And, they will and can do anything to get around paying time and a half for overtime. And, getting into the whole Employment laws thing - companies rely on people not knowing the laws so they can get away with shady ass shit. This happens everywhere, from the corner store and the fucking McDonald’s all the way up to corporate offices. 

College. HA! There are a million bright brilliant people in this country that don’t have a degree because they couldn’t afford to go to college. Or, their parents made just a smidge too much for them to qualify for financial aid and they didn’t want to be burred under a mountain of debt. We’re talking tens of thousands of dollars of debt, what a way to start your life out, huh? Four years at a University? You’re easily looking at $40,000 plus. Easy. Like, wouldn’t be hard to do at all and that’s not even the “best” University either. That’s just like... that one over there. Oh, and student loans? Yeah, interest is charged on those bitches too. Can’t pay them? Oh don’t worry, you can put them on hold for like 36 collective months or something, but they’ll still accrue interest the entire time. And that interest isn’t fixed either, it’s variable. So, good luck with that. 

Retirement? Fuck that. You better hope and pray that social security is still around. For some, even if you do what you’re supposed to and can actually squirrel some away for retirement - you can have some rich fat fuck in an office somewhere decide that he wants your money instead and bam, your retirement is just gone. And that’s assuming you can even afford to have any of your paycheck set aside. Because the cost to live in this country can be insane. True, there are rural places where the cost of living is cheaper but you also don’t get paid shit there either. 

And you still have medical bills when you’re old. What about Medicare, you might be wondering? Oh - you mean medical insurance for the elderly? That shit’s not free anymore. Sure, going to the doctor might be. But if you need an ambulance, you’re still fucked. If you need a prescription? You’d better hope you signed up during that small window for your prescription drug plan, which carries a monthly premium, so you can get your prescriptions. Because, old people never need those, right? And what about care? Well, Medicare will cover some care, like certain kinds of home health care. But not all. And if you need to go into a nursing facility for longer than 100 days? You’d better hope you got buku bucks because Medicare only pays for 100 days. Then, you’d better magically grow younger or some shit. Or, hope you’ve been paying for nursing home insurance. And, hope you’ve been updating that policy to reflect the insane rising costs of those places. Or, if you’re lucky, hope you’ve got family that will help take care of you. To get Medicaid though, you can’t have more than $2000 in assets, at all. That includes life insurance policies with cash values. You can keep your house and like one car but that’s it - and you can’t rent that house out or sell that car once you get Medicaid or you’re benefits can be interrupted because somehow, you can turn $500 into $2000 or something. And - this is the really shitty part, say you are in a nursing home and you do manage to get Medicaid. Medicare still won’t pay a dime to the facility but Medicaid will. But... they’ll also take your entire social security check minus $60 a month. So, if you do still have a house and a car to worry about that you cannot rent out, you’ll have to somehow make that $60 pay for any incidentals you might need (think soap... toothpaste... deodorant... your favorite candies... you get the idea) and for property taxes... insurances... all of that. So... good luck with that. 

Basically... the slogan here is that you can have the American dream if you work hard. But what they don’t tell you is that even if you do get it? You’re probably not going to be able to keep it. 

You can work your ass off your whole life, get that house, build a small business, make it. Not get filthy rich, but do okay. And then you get old and can’t work anymore but it’s okay - you’ve managed to save a little and you’ve got your social security so you’ll be okay. Until you get sick. Or your health starts to go downhill. Then, you’ll watch all that you worked so hard for have to be sold off just to pay your medical bills and go to pay for your care. If you’re lucky, you’ve got kids that can help. But someone, either you or them, is going to have to lose something in order to pay for your care. 

If you aren’t rich, you’ll still not be able to make it. There’s never a break.

For a country that’s all about freedom... you’ll never have a single moment where you’ll be free. 

And for those in the UK starting to go off about VAT. We still pay taxes. We pay sales tax, property taxes, extra taxes added to our gasoline, to the liquor, to the tobacco products, to fucking tampons! We pay licensing fees, renewal fees, tag fees, registration fees, vehicle sales taxes and title fees. We pay federal income taxes, many states pay state income taxes, fuck - some cities have city income taxes. We have toll roads and toll bridges. We still pay taxes on top of all of this. So give me fucking VAT any god damned day of the week if it means I can go to the fucking doctor and not drop $200 fucking bucks just for them to renew the same fucking prescription I’ve been on for years so I can go to the pharmacy and pay $30 for a generic RX for one month.