#which was physically traumatic enough to trigger it all at once

[eand47]

Chapter VI | Cakes and Alleyways

Summary: You moved to one of the biggest cities in the world - Grand Line to pursue filmmaking career. Soon enough your path will cross with the vocalist of upcoming band called “The Neighbourhood”. At first you decided to be just friends - because it would be easier, but sadly as everything in life sometimes by taking the easy path we regret a lot of things.

Main characters: Portgas D Ace x Reader (female)

Supporting characters: Nami, Usopp, Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Law, Deuce, Shanks, Buggy, Sabo, Eustass Kid, Koala, Robin, Dave (OC)

Description: Modern AU | Musician Ace

WARNINGS: major age gap!, explicit language, use of nicotine/cigarettes, mentions of alcohol, mentions of drugs, !mentions of being SPIKED!, mentions of (sexual) harassment, mentions of physical violence, mentions of blood, MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Word Count: 19,7K

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NOTE: First I’m sorry that the chapter took so long but at least it is quite long. Second: PLEASE TAKE GOOD LOOK AT THE WARNINGS AS I DON’T WANT TO TRIGGER SOMETHING TRAUMATIC IN ANY OF YOU!!!! Also I can't believe it has been one month since I started the fic, thank you all for reading and supporting it <3 I hope that you guys enjoy it <3

Snow was covering every roof and street in the Grand Line city. December came and so did the snow. Christmas lights were already lighting up the streets. The weather was getting colder with every passing day. I caught myself counting the days in the past two weeks. To be exact twelve days. Twelve days since I last saw Ace and I was not sure if I wanted to see him again. Five days ago, I couldn’t take the silence anymore and texted him, asking if I did something wrong or offended him somehow. Six days later still no response. Not even marked as read. I was trying to distract myself in every possible way, but he was still finding his way to my mind at least once a day. I felt so confused – confused, offended and hurt. Why? Why being all friendly and nice with me only to turn ice-cold and pretend like I didn’t exist the next day? I didn’t want to think about Ace, but I couldn’t. Even thought I was busy with shooting the sort-cut projects and editing them after, still even after all that stress the thing that bothered me the most was his absence. It was simply not fair. I did not deserve this attitude from him.

They released the music video a week ago. It already had one hundred sixty thousand views and growing in the span of a week, which for a first video was quite successful. All the guys found a way to contact me and thanked me for the video, all except Ace. And that added to the pain I was feeling. I would never do such thing to a friend. But he never saw me as one. At this point I was wondering what he saw me as?

I tried to shake away the thoughts and get ready to go out for a lunch with Shanks. I haven’t seen him in almost two months. We only talked on the phone a few times. On top of it I have barely spoken with my dad, and I felt so bad for it but also, I was starting to miss him a lot. I couldn’t wait for the Christmas break as I needed it both physically and mentally. I received a text from Shanks that he was waiting for me downstairs, so I put on my jacket and boots and ran outside. He had parked his red 4x4 jeep in front of my apartment building, waiting for me inside. I opened the door, and he greeted me with a big smile.

“How is my Foxy doing?” He ruffled my hair before turning on the car.

“Shanks.” I giggled as I tried to fix my hair. “I’m good, how is my favourite uncle doing?”

“Oh, what do you want your sneaky fox?” His eyes quickly glanced at me as we stopped at a red light.

“Nothing. Why would I be wanting anything from you?” I looked surprised at him.

“You call me your ‘favourite uncle’ only when you want something.” He snorted.

“Not this time. I just missed you.” I gave him half shrug. Shanks chuckled and patted me on the shoulder. After twenty minutes drive we arrived at the restaurant where Shanks had made reservation for us to have a lunch. The place was quite new. It was a top floor restaurant, decorated with flowers all around but the best part was the celling, which was entire made of glass. I have never been here before but the moment they seated us down and I looked at the menu I already fell in love with the place. The waiter came and took our order. We thanked him and handed back the menus.

“How is school going Foxy?” Shanks asked me while pouring some water in my glass.

“University, Shanks.” I corrected him. “It’s going pretty well. I must show you the movie I directed and wrote script for. I think I did pretty well.” I tossed my hair on the side a bit, bragging about my little accomplishment.

“I’m sure it will be the best one Foxy.” He smiled proudly at me. “A little bird told me that you also directed a music video.” Shanks raised his eyebrow knowingly, propping his elbows on the table and crossing his fingers under his chin. I hummed in response and nodded my head slightly. “Just a ‘mhm’?”

“What else am I supposed to say?”  

“I don’t know, but that was a big deal. And the video was pretty good, Luffy showed it to me.” His eyes were studying my face before he continued. “I also heard that Ace asked you to film it. Wanna say something about that?” His tone was light, but his gaze was stern.

“We met accidently while I was working on my film and he read the script, liked it, saw potential in me and asked me if I could do it.” I explained quick trying to brush off the topic.

“Of course he saw the potential, Ace is not stupid. But still don’t let him get in your head.” Shanks gave me another stern look.

“Shanks what is your problem with Ace?” I whined as I was tired of hearing the same thing over and over again. After all I’m not twelve and I have enough brains to know what would be good or bad for me.

“I don’t have problem with Ace, as long as there is nothing between you two.” Now his voice was also stern. “Ace is a good guy. I know the kid for a long time. He used to be problematic tho, but this is not important now. What is important for you, is to understand that guys like Ace hit and dip. What you want to be one of the many?” He snorted. “I don’t think so Foxy, so before you get your delusions broken use this brain of yours and u-“ His speech was interrupted by the waiter who came and served the food we ordered. I thanked him with a smile before I turn my attention back to Shanks as I gave him annoyed glance.

“Don’t you dare giving me that look.” He pointed his finger towards me. “Again, he is a good guy, but he is also very troublesome. So, case close.” His tone was low but warning.

“No, case open Shanks.” I protested. “I’m old enough to take my own decisions with who I go out and what I do with them. If I get my ‘delusions’ broken.” I mocked him. “Then it’s on me. Plus, Ace and I are just... just... “ I couldn’t find the right word to describe what we were exactly. “We are just acquainted.” I murmured the last part. “Plus, he is a very good person Shanks, and I haven’t seen him being problematic. So, I don’t know if we are talking about the same guy.” I didn’t know why I was defending Ace when he didn’t deserve it at all. I looked down on my plate and took a bite of my food.

“Oh, so you know him better, is that so?” Shanks tone became mocking as he got pissed. “Did you know that when Ace was sixteen, he beaten a guy up so bad it almost left him disabled? And he has been sued to pay the guy indemnification for ten years in the row. And do you know how Ace was being able to pay for it? Until two years ago he was known for selling drugs and beating up people if you pay him, so even after that accident he still didn’t learn his lesson. Now he started to earn some money with music, but we will see how long this will continue.” He raised his chin and eyebrows up waiting for my response. I didn’t know how to response to this. I just lowered my gaze and slouched on my seat. “Exactly, I thought so too.” Shanks snorted at me.

“You are no better than him you know.” I couldn’t stop the words escaping my mouth. Shanks chuckled, placing his hands on the table.

“Go on, Foxy. Elaborate.” He persisted.

“You...” I took a deep breath for courage before I continue. “You used to work for Gol D Roger, you sold drugs for the biggest narco-boss ever known and you are here playing Mr. Morals for a guy who did what he had to do, as life wasn’t very fair for him to begin with.” My chest rose and fell with rapid breaths, my eyes didn’t dare to look at him. I have never talked back to Shanks. I have had this big respect towards him since I could remember, and I have never crossed my boundaries with him. I was waiting for him to start yelling or get even more angry with me but instead he laughed out loud like a maniac. Everyone in the restaurant gave us a look. I slouched even more in my chair from embarrassment. Shanks cleared his throat still laughing.

“Oh, Foxy...” He clicked with him tongue while shaking his head, sill laughing a bit. “I was planning to save you this, but you are asking for it, now with this bratty behaviour.” Shanks looked me straight in the eyes before he continued. The look on his face was scaring me. “You know how I happen to know a lot of people and by chance I knew both of Ace’s parents. And guess what, fun fact for your ‘acquaintance’” A smug smirk appeared on his face. “Wanna know his real name before he changed it a few years ago? For which, I helped by the way.” He snorted, his gaze mocking as he was waiting for me to say something.

“Gol D Ace.” My eyes widen when I heard the name. I shook my head in disbelieve. “No, don’t shake your head like that. You heard me. He is Gol D Roger biological and only son.” I was shocked by this information. It couldn’t be, it was known that Gol D Roger never had a family. “What did your opinion about Ace change now?” Shanks continued to mock me. I bit on my lip and frowned with my brows before I looked at Shanks.

“No, Shanks. It didn’t. Ace is still Ace, and I would never judge someone based on who their parents are.” I swallowed hard. “After all my mother is a junkie, I guess you are the one who needs reminder.” I leaned on the back of the chair, my arms crossed as I was waiting for his response now. Shanks looked away embarrassed and cursed under his breath.

“The difference is that you don’t go after her steps, while Ace did like his father. And even thought Roger wasn’t as bad as he was portraited by the media, he still did bad stuffs, and so did Ace.” He tried to explain this time calmer. “Again – Ace is a good kid, but he swings the wrong way easily, and he is not good enough for you. Have your friendship or whatever with him...” Shanks sighed out loudly, waving his hand dismissively as he took a sip of his water. “I don’t want to see you hurt, Foxy.” He murmured. Silence took over the table. The chatter of plates and chitchats of people around us was the only thing that could be heard. I was lost in my thoughts. What I have heard right now wouldn’t change my opinion about Ace no matter what. My opinion about him was entirely based on how he treated me. The worst part of all was that the more I was learning about Ace the more I was understanding when it came to his behaviour.

“Please, eat.” Shanks broke the silence. My appetite was long gone but I didn’t want to argue with him again, so I took a bite of my food.

“Can I know, why you chose this place? You also said you have something to tell me. I doubt you wanted to come her only to tell me all this about Ace, so what is it?” I was keeping my eyes on the plate still affected by our argument. Shanks rubbed his temples with his fingers and sighed deeply.

“Well, I have some life changing news.” I slowly raised my head to look at him when he said that. I patiently waited for him to tell me what was going on. A little smile appeared on his lips before he took a deep breath in. I waived my hand at him to spill the bean. “I’m going to be a dad.” Shanks said with a grin on his face. I covered my mouth with my hands as my jaw almost hit the floor. I was shocked to my core. Shanks nodded his head slowly, letting me take my time to process what he just told me.

“Are you for real? This better not be one of your sick jokes.” I warned him as tears of happiness started to build in my eyes.

“I’m not kiddin’, Foxy. I’m going to be a father.” He chuckled, joy and pride glistering in his eyes. I squeaked, jumping from my seat to hug Shanks. Tears of happiness were falling from my eyes as he embraced me in his hug. We shared a laugh of joy as we sat back. I couldn’t find the words to describe how happy and confused I was feeling right now.

“H-how? Wh-when?” Was all I could ask him. I grabbed the napkin on the table whipping away the tears as I tried to safe my now a bit smudged mascara. Shanks laughed again.

“Foxy I’m pretty sure you know how babies are made.” He mocked me jokingly. I rolled my eyes at his comment.

“Yes, Shanks, I’m aware. But when? And most importantly, with who?” The big grin couldn’t leave my face. I was so happy to hear this, but also curious. Shanks has never had official girlfriend or anything close to it, so my best and only guess was that it must be a one-night stand.

“Well, it’s pretty early, she is six weeks pregnant. Her name is Natasha and yeah...” He bit on his cheek. I could see that he was feeling a little uncomfortable.

“Hm, was it a ‘hit and dip’ case?” I took a bite of my food, trying to withhold the smug smile that I wanted to place on my face. The whole situation was a bit funny, knowing how Shanks was embarrassed to admit that he got some girl knocked up. He just shot me a glance, warning me not to mess with him.

“It wasn’t planned this is something I can confirm, but I was you know... seeing her from time to time.” He said a little uncomfortable.

“How old is she? Have I seen her by any chance?” I continued with the question enjoying how uncomfortable this whole situation was making him feel.

“Twenty-seven. And no, you haven’t seen her anywhere.” My jaw hit the floor again after hearing the girl’s age.

“Twenty-seven? Shanks...” I stopped myself when I saw how his face scrunched as I repeated her age. Part of me wanted to scold him due the fact that they had twenty years difference, but then again who was I to judge people. “Um, what are your plans now? Like are you going to co-parent once the baby is born or you going to try being together, or...?” I asked. The situation wasn’t fun anymore, it was a little concerning. Shanks exhaled deeply, pulling his red hair a little bit.

“We decided to not rush with any decisions of this sort for now. Plus, I want her to be calm and not worry about anything in the next nine months as it will be more hard for her than me.” He was right, her life would change drastically even before the baby was born.

“How did her parents react? Also, how is she? Is she excited or not?”

“She is very excited. When she told me the news, she even warned me that she won’t do an abortion or anything like this in case I didn’t want to step up.” I nodded understandingly at what Shanks told me. “Well, her parents... let’s say they were happy until they found out our age difference.” He chuckled awkwardly.

“Were you surprised? Imagine I come and tell you ‘Oh, Shanks I got knocked up by a man who is almost your age’. I doubt you will be thrilled.” I snorted.

“Foxy, if you come at this age to me and tell me such thing, even if the guy is your age, your dad and I will crush every part of this guy’s body.” He was joking but I knew if this did happen, they would do this. I wanted to make more jokes to annoy him but decided to keep them for myself.

“So, I will finally have a little cousin. I have always wanted to have one and spoil her with presents.” I propped my chin on my crossed fingers as I stared to daydream about all the fun I was going to have with the baby.

“Hold up, Foxy. Who said it is going to be a girl?” Shanks chuckled and raised his eyebrow.

“You know what they say Shanks, don’t you? About men who used to ‘hit and dip’ a lot.” I smirked.

“What they say, Foxy? Enlighten me.” He rubbed his chin waiting for my response as I stared to giggle.

“A man who broke a lot of hearts, is a man who will be blessed with daughter to pay for his sins.” I couldn’t stop giggling as he rolled his eyes at me.

“Bullshit. This isn’t true, look at your dad – not a single broken heart left behind him, yet your sassy ass emerged from hell.” Shanks was fast with his comeback.

“Hey, don’t talk about dad like this. He is charming... in his own unique way.” I quickly defended my father.

“Foxy, the fact that you had to define his ‘charm’ as ‘unique’ is enough to tell us everything.” His whole body was shaking from laughter.

“Does he know?”

“Of course, he does.” Shanks huffed with a smile. “He also thought that I was pranking him.” We both laughed again.

We continued with the lunch and small talks. I was really happy for Shanks. He would be an amazing father, and he had experience with raising a child. His future baby was in good hands. After all, if it wasn’t for Shanks, my dad would have struggled to raise me all by himself.

When we finished with our lunch Shanks dropped me off back home. Before I left the car we stayed and talked a little bit more.

“You need some money or something?” He asked me seriously.

“No, I’m doing pretty good now. Especially after I filmed the music video. They paid me good you know.” I winked at him as I nudged his arm. “By the way, how do you know Luffy and why haven’t you ever mentioned him to me?” I just remembered to ask him this. Till this day none of them has told me how they met or became so close that Luffy saw him as a father figure.

“This is a story for next time.” He ruffled my hair. “Go home now kid. You have lectures tomorrow.” He sternly said to me. I rolled my eyes and huffed.

“Fine.” I opened the door and got out of the car. “But one last thing.” I said before closing it. “When will I meet... Natasha was her name, right? When will I meet Natasha?” I bounced on my toes.

“Soon, I promise. Now go, Foxy and be careful with what you do.” He pointed his finger to me before I closed the door. I stuck my tongue at him and I turned around to go home. Shanks drove off after he saw me entering the building. When I got inside my apartment I started to jump and squeak around. I couldn’t wait to meet the baby and Natasha. After taking my jacket and boots off and I changed my clothes to something more comfortable, I sat on the couch and called my dad on Facetime. The moment I saw his face on my screen I screamed.

“DAD SHANKS IS GOING TO BE A FATHER.” Tears welled in my eyes again. My father laughed heartfully.

“I know, darling. Sorry for not telling you sooner, but he wanted to tell you himself.” A gentle smile was placed on his face. “I can see that you are quite excited about it.” He chuckled.

“Of course I am, are you kidding me? I have already thought of all the games I can play with the baby, and the toys I can buy for it, and uhh, I just can’t wait to hug the little bundle of joy.” I couldn’t stop babbling about it. It was not even formed as a human yet, but I already loved it. “And I told Shanks that it will be a girl, remember my word. I just sense it with my gut, this baby is going to be a girl.”

“Well at least they wouldn’t need to worry about find a babysitter as you have already volunteered.” He joked and I nodded enthusiastically. “How are you baby girl? Last time we spoke you were super stressed, everything alright now?” His tone sounded concerned.

“I’m fine dad. Now that the short-cuts are done and the music video was released, I’m just waiting for the Christmas break.”

“Oh yes, the video. I watched it yesterday again. You killed it. And it’s getting so popular.” He said excited.

“Yeah, I’ve heard that it was doing good.” I clicked with my tongue.

“Why you sound so unamused? This is a very good thing for your future as a director.” He lifted his eyebrow, immediately picking up that something wasn’t alright with me.

“Yes, I agree. But I want to be movie director not a music one.” I winked. It was true, my main goal was movies, not music videos, but it was still a good showreel for my portfolio after I graduate.

“Still, you must be happy and proud for your success, without you this video wasn’t going to be this good, I guarantee you this.” Dad insisted. Of course, he would think this after all it was something that I have created, and I was his daughter at the end of the day. “Did something happen with the boy? It’s the singer one, I remember correctly, right?” His eyebrows waggled teasing me. “He is quite charming.”

“We are just friends dad. Nothing more than friends.” I shrugged, skipping the part where I have to explain that we weren’t even friends at this point but just some acquaintances, who happened to know some quite personal traumas about each other.

“You sure about that, doll?” It was like someone splashed me with ice-cold water when I heard the nickname.

“Dad, please, I beg you from the bottom of my heart... never and I mean it never ever call me ‘doll’ again, please.” My whole face scrunched up.

“What do you mean?” He squeaked his eyes widen faking his offence.

“Just...” I rubbed my temples with my fingers. “Please, any other nickname or pet name you want, just not ‘doll’.” I cringed, knowing how Ace referred to me as a ‘doll’, the last thing I wanted was for my father to do the same, even thought they used it with very different meanings. In my father’s mind when referring to me as ‘doll’ he was remembering the times when his little girl was in fact a little girl, going around bouncing on my tiptoes and my pigtails swinging from side to side while hugging my favourite baby doll pretending to be my own baby. Now with Ace, I wasn’t sure why he was calling me ‘doll’ all the time, but it wasn’t because of the same reason my father was.

“Okay, okey.” He shook his head defeated. “Now you mind sharing with your old man what is bothering you with this young fella?” I snorted at his poor attempted to imitated British accent.

“Nothing, dad. Really, as I told you last time, I am not good with getting hints and his hints were obvious that it is just a friendship, nothing more than that.” I gave him a half smile.

“Pff, what an idiot. It’s his loss, darling.”  

“Nah, it’s okay, dad. Plus, I have more important stuff to focus on that him.” This was indeed true, but my mind was still drafting to Ace all the time. “You know, he is a fan of yours.” I smirked.

“Is he? Well, maybe he isn’t such a big idiot.” My dad chuckled and I giggled. The rest of the conversation was us catching up. Me telling him about the whole process of the short-cuts and how it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be but still stressful to film ten short movies in the span of ten days, but I was lucky enough to be in a very well organised group, so we all managed pretty good. I also shared with him how I got even more close with Nami and Usopp’s friend group and that my social circle and life here was growing. We also spoke about the upcoming holidays. Dad was planning to come here and stay over at Shanks’, and we would celebrate Christmas with him. Before we said goodbye, I told him how much I missed him, which made him go all emotional as we haven’t seen each other in almost six months, as his schedule was quite busy. He promised me that he would try his best to come a little earlier than planned so we could spend more time together, before we hung up.

The rest on the night I spent by myself doing the usual – watching movies, ordering some takeout and scrolling through my socials. When I refreshed my Instagram for a thousand time tonight, I saw the band’s profile has posted a story. I pressed on it to see it. They were announcing an upcoming performance for not this but next Saturday and that tickets were up to sell from tomorrow. A small smile appeared on my face. This was good, the guys deserved it. No matter where Ace and I stood as friends, his talent was something that no one could deny him, and the same went for the rest of the guys. They deserved the success that slowly but steady was coming in their way. I couldn’t stop myself and I opened their band account and clicked on the people they were following, which were only them four. All of them except Ace were following me. I went to his profile, and he had also posted a story. I hesitated if I should open it. He had almost five thousand people following him and I doubt he was the type to check who viewed his stories. I took a deep breath and pressed on it. There were two stories one where he had reshared the band’s account one, and the other one was a short video of him playing the guitar with a caption ‘testing some new tunes’. He had the orange beanie on top of his head but most of his face was hidden by his hair. I sighed closing the story. I hesitated again if I should follow him, but then the words ‘if he wanted to, he would’ crossed my mind. The fact that his bandmates and friends were following me, and I wasn’t even as close with them as I was with him, was enough to make me made up my mind and not follow him.

I just closed the app and laid on my bed. I was staring at the celling, thinking of what Shanks told me earlier. I knew Ace had a roughed past, but I wasn’t aware that he used to be violent. It was hard for me to imagined him being the person Shanks told me Ace used to be. But people change and Shanks said that Ace has been doing better in the past two years. The thing I was shocked by the most was that Ace was Gol D Roger’s son. He was known as the biggest narco-boss globally. The stories and rumours about his wealth and brutality were horrific. Shanks used to work for him when he was young. He even accidently slipped one time when he was drunk and told me the truth of how he and my dad became friends. My father also did work for Roger, and that was how they met and became like brothers. I have never mentioned to my father that I knew about this.

My dad’s past was something he has always hated to talk about and kept it privet from me. Until he became successful standup comedian, we were barely making the ends, and after a certain age I became fully aware that he was doing some bad things to make a living. Thit was the biggest reason why I couldn’t judge anyone based on who their parents were or their past, as sometimes in life we simply didn’t have choice, or we didn’t know better. If Ace and I ever spoke again I wouldn’t mention anything to him about the fact that I knew who his father was. Obviously, he didn’t want to be associated with him, not only because he had changed his name, but I remembered the only time he had ever mentioned his father was when he told me he had died before he was born, but the reluctance in his voice was as clear as a glass. This was something I could relate to. The despite I had for my mother was growing more and more with every passing year. The worst part was when I looked in the mirror. I didn’t have my father’s eyes or nose, neither the lips – it was all her. And I hated it, because the more I was growing up the more I could see the resemblance. Maybe that was why it was so easy for me to opened to Ace; we had different yet so similar pasts. My thoughts were interrupted by my phone vibrating, notifying me that I have a message. I reached to grab my phone and rose in bed immediately when I saw the message.

‘Stalking, huh?’ My heart skipped a beat when I read the message. It was from Ace. To say that I was confused would not be enough. Two weeks, we haven’t spoken for almost two weeks, and he hit me up at almost eleven pm with such cocky message. Sometimes I did forget how cocky Ace could be. I didn’t know how to response to the message. Not only I was embarrassed because, last thing I expected, was to get caught by him for checking out his Instagram profile, but because in fact I did not know how to respond to this. I thought for a moment to just ignore him the same way he ignored me in the past ten days, but I have always hated this back-and-forth games. I sighed before unlocking my phone and opening his message. All I could do was stare at it. I typed and deleted again and again as nothing seemed right to answer. At the end I send him the only thing that felt right – a middle finger emoji. Just that, a simple middle finger, as he did deserve it. I threw my phone next to me on the bed and ran my hands through my hair pulling it at the ends.

“Fucking Ace” I cursed out loud. I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t response after this, but my phone vibrated again.

‘Yea, I deserve that. Sorry, doll. Didn’t mean to ignore you.’ I rolled my eyes at the message. I started to type when I received a third message from him. ‘Something bugged with my phone and I wasn’t able to response.”  My mouth opened wide as I couldn’t believe my eyes. I typed quickly, God the audacity this man had.

‘Thit was the best lie you came up with? Really?’ Chuckles escaped my lips as I couldn’t believe that he really thought I would fall for such a lame excuse. In response he just liked my message.

“Asshole.” I exclaimed loudly. This time I was pissed.

‘Fuck you Ace!’ The moment the message was sent he seen it and started to type.

‘Don’t be mad at me doll..’ I rolled my eyes again. Not the first nor it would be the last time I have had received this exact message from him.

‘I’m not your doll! Stop calling me that!’

‘You sure bout that?’

“Sure about which one exactly Ace?” I asked myself out loud. I left him on seen and decided to go to sleep as I have classes tomorrow morning. My phone vibrated again but this time it wasn’t a message it was a notification from Instagram. I laughed out loud.

‘@portgas.d.ace has requested to follow you.’ I read it out loud to myself. As much as he has pissed me, right now I was having fun with him. A mischievous idea crossed my mind and instead of accepting his request I denied it. He must apologise first and then he can have this access to me.

“These games can be played by two Ace.” I smirked to myself. My phone lit up again.

‘Did you just delete my request?’ I didn’t expect a response so fast and just like him earlier, I simply liked the message.

‘I’m not gonna request u again, doll ;)’ Instead of replying with my own response I forwarded him his own message - ‘You sure bout that?’

The smug smirk on my face growing with every second. He didn’t response after this, and I wondered if I pissed him off. Hopefully I did, if he thinks that I would easily forgive him, he was deeply wrong. These cheep tricks didn’t work on me and never would, so if he wants to have any kind of friendship with me, he better apologise properly for the past two weeks. I put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ mode and snuggled under my covers.

One thing I couldn’t deny was the warmth I felt in my heart and the smile on my face that Ace caused. Because – yes, I was still pissed at him, but it was also nice to chat with him again. I could say that in a way I missed him in the past ten days. It was so easy to get used to have him around. His charisma was intoxicating, no wonder he attracted so many people around himself. What bothers me, was the fact that I was catching myself craving these interactions with him. I shook my head trying to not think much of this right now, after all I wouldn’t be surprised if I don’t hear from Ace for another two weeks.

*******

When I woke up in the morning, I saw I had a message from Nami. She had texted me that classes for today were cancelled due to our teacher being sick and asked me if I wanted to go out with her for a coffee. I agreed and got up to get ready. After I brushed my teeth and washed my face I put some light makeup. Before I dressed myself, I checked the weather app to decide what to wear. It was still pretty cold outside, so I just put on a light pink polo shirt with a pair of dark blue flare jeans. I grabbed a small handbag and put some lipstick and my ID in it, before I put on my long white coat and boots. I locked the door and put my keys in the bag. While I was walking towards the metro station, I checked the location Nami sent me. It was going to take me twenty-five minutes to get to there, but the good thing was that I needed to use only one metro line. When I got into the metro, I put my headphones on and played some music. One of the songs that played was Ace’s. I have to admit that I have been listening to the band quite a lot – but I did in fact enjoy their music. The song that played was ‘Compass’ and I caught myself smiling. The memories of them performing it live playing vividly in my mind; the interaction Ace and I had while he sang the song, the hand gesture he did that only I knew what it was referring to, when I bumped into him after, and Shanks interrupting us and the whole night was just playing in my mind. It has been two months since then. Two months since we accidently met in the coffee shop that same day.

Two months since we became... friends. If I could even call us that. Nami and Usopp are my closest friends, this was something I could say confidently. And since I filmed the movie at Sanji’s place, I could say that him, Zoro and Luffy were definitely my friends as well at this point. They even acted like extras in the movie for which I was so grateful for. Dave and I started to become more and more close with every passing day. But with Ace... I called him my friend, but somehow the word still stayed bitter on my tongue. Because friends by my understandings didn’t behave the way Ace and I did. My heart doesn’t skip any beat when I hang out with Dave for example. I have never craved any of my friends touch the way I did with Ace. My mood didn’t change based on how they would response on a message or how they would act when we meet. My mind was not occupied with the thought of them like it was with Ace. Recently a lot of things in my life were revolving around Ace and I did not enjoy this.

Lost in thoughts I almost missed the stop, but snapped out of it just on time to go out of the metro. It took me another ten minutes to reach the coffee shop where Nami was waiting for me. Entering the cafe the smell of freshly made pastries and coffee beans hit my senses. The sound of the coffee machine and people typing on their laptops or chitchatting with their friends could be heard all over the place. The coffee shop was small but quite busy, busier than my favourite one. I looked around and saw Nami sitting on one of the cozy couches they had. She waved when she saw me, and I made my way to her.

“Heyyy!” I greeted her when she stood up to give me a hug. “You look amazing.” I complimented her as she was wearing a nice long off shoulder white dress with her hair put in a beautiful messy bun.

“Aw, thanks you (Y/N), you look great, too.” She said while I was taking my coat off putting it on the side of the sofa. “I was waiting for you to come before I order any coffee, so shall we go and take a look at the menu?” Nami asked and I nodded in response. We stood by the counter and looked at the drink menu they had on the walls. Nami ordered herself a caramel latte and I took for myself a nice orange and cinnamon tea. We thanked the barista once our drinks were made and went to sit back.

“So how have you been?” Nami was the first to speak.

“Pretty good.” I response taking a sip of my hot tea. “Now that we are done with the short-cuts and I have already edit mine, I’m good. How about you?”

“Uh, don’t ask.” She whined. “I’m almost done editing it, but I can’t wait for them to do the evaluations next week, so I don’t have to deal with this again until springtime.” I nodded, agreeing with her. “But anyway, let’s not talk school today. I have an amazing offer for you.” She smiled at me and grabbed my hands in hers.

“Oh no, what is it Nami?” I dramatically huffed as I knew it would be something that I might not be very found of.

“I don’t know if you heard or saw somewhere but Luffy’s brothers are going to perform at ‘Ska Stage’ and we are all going and you must join us this time.” My eyes widen at what she said. I didn’t pay attention at all where they were going to perform last night then I saw the story. ‘Ska Stage’ was the most famous live music club in Grand Line, only already known bands and artists were performing there.

“Wait, are you kidding me? Are they really performing at the ‘Ska Stage’?

“Yes, I’m serious. I reacted the same way, don’t worry.” She giggled at my expression.

“I’m only surprised because... you know...” I struggled to find my words. “It’s a place for already... well famous artists.” I meant this in the most respectful way. Yes, the guys were talented, but they were still not that known at all.

“I know what you mean.” Nami clearly read the confusion on mt face. “But they are actually gaining quite lot of attention since you filmed their video.” She gave me a big smile and nudged me. I looked away for a moment as I got quite flushed over the fact that I had a little input over the fact that the band got more recognised over the past few weeks. “On top of it, they are going on a little tour like five cities for like two months can you believe it.” She excitedly squeaked.

“What? Are you for real?” I exclaimed loudly and covered my mouth with my hands as I was about to let out a scream. Nami nodded eagerly in response. “Wow, I can’t believe it. It’s all happening so fast, and I’m so happy for the guys. But I only saw the story about the performance next Saturday nothing about a tour?” I said to her confused.

“Well, they are still in discussion with the venues but they are almost done with the talks so they should announce it pretty soon.” She explained. I hummed with a nod.

“How do you know?” I chuckled raising a brow at her.

“Luffy.” She shrugged. I let out a little laughed when she said his name. “So, you are coming, right?” Her brows raised expecting my answer. I hesitated for a moment – yes, I would love to hear and see the guys perform and actually enjoy it, not like last time when I was working. On the other hand – was Ace. “Oh, please don’t tell me that you are hesitating now.” Nami whined interrupting my thoughts. I shook my head and chuckled.

“No, actually, yes.” I laughed awkwardly. Before she got the chance to say something I raised my finger in front of her face, stopping her from saying anything. “But yes, I will come this time.” I said and she squeaked again clapping her hand happily. I giggled at her excitement. “Who else is coming?” I took my tea mug, still hot in my hands, blowing it before I take a sip.

“The usual – Luffy, Zoro, Sanji, Usopp and Kaya.” I smiled in response as I heard who was going to come as well. While Nami was taking a sip of her latte her eyes widen, and she started to jump on the spot before she put the mug back on the table. I gave her a questioning look, wondering what gotten into her now. “Oh my God, you need to hear this. It is a boiling tea – so you know Koala, Sabo’s girlfriend?” She asked me excitedly. One thing about Nami was that she loved gossips and rumours, especially if they were a hundred percent true. I just nodded waiting for her to continue. “Well... she is not the only girlfriend anymore.” She said wiggling her eyebrows at me.

“Um... okay?” I got quite confused. “What do you mean by this? Like did some of them got in a relationship?”

“Yes, guess who?” She teased me, clearly enjoying this.

“I don’t know Nami, I don’t know the guys that well.” A puff of air left my nose in a makeshift laugh.

“Ace.” She mischievously smirked. For a moment I thought that my heart stopped when Ace’s name left her lips. Without realising my smile faded away and my brows frown, my whole-body slumping from the news. I looked down at my hands not knowing how to response. When? Was he having a thing with a girl this whole time? Was it Samantha or some other girl? How could he act so single if he was seeing another girl the whole time. I could feel my chest tighten. Thoughts were running wild in my head until Nami ironic laughter interrupted them.

“Oh God, I was joking, but seeing this reaction you can’t fool me anymore that nothing is going on between you and him.” Nami shook her head giving me a knowing look once I looked at her. She crossed her arms and tilted her head at me waiting for me to start speaking.

“Puff, I was joking as well. Gotch ya.” I poked her sides with my finger, trying to laugh off the situation. She just gave me a look, tapping her fingers on her arm as she crossed her legs facing me better now. I huffed and looked away for a second before I response. “Look, Nami...” I started not sure how to word my sentence. Nothing was happening between Ace and I, but at the same time things between us were weird. I couldn’t keep pretending that whatever was happening between us was a ‘friendship’ because it wasn’t. But I didn’t know what to called it either. I took a deep breath before I continued. “Nothing is happening, okay? And I swear by it when I say it. We are just... let’s say we are friends but not really friends, you get what I mean?” it was pointless to lie to her as she could be thousand things, but stupid was not one of them.

“What do you mean by ‘friends’ but not really? What you two sleep together or something?” She raised her shoulders as she was trying to understand what the situation was like.

“No, no, no I swear we have never done anything physical not even a kiss.” I quickly told her afraid that she might get the wrong idea. She gave me a doubtful glance. “Nami, I swear I haven’t done anything with Ace.” I looked her in the eyes, praying that she would see that I wasn’t lying to her. Nami sighed loudly and rubbed her temples. We stayed in a silence for a moment before she locked her eyes with mine. Her expression softened but instead of relief a bit of concern spread across her face.

“Do you have feelings for him?” Her tone was soft, but the concern was there. She even took one of my hands in her and gave it a gentle squeeze. I quickly shook my head and laughed at her question.

“Nami, no. Are you crazy?” I looked at her like she was coming from another planet. I didn’t have any feelings for Ace. I was just simply confused of where we stood as friends. “I don’t have any feelings or anything close to feelings for him.” I continued to deny it. Nami tilted her head down a bit, her eyes focused on mine as she bit her lips not believing my answer.

“Then why did you react like you got splashed with boiled water when I said he has a girlfriend?” I didn’t know how to answer this question. I didn’t even realise how I had reacted until she pointed it out.

“I just got surprised because I didn’t expect to hear his name at all.” I tired to defend my reaction.

“(Y/N)... look, Ace is... a big flirt, okay? I would understand if you have already developed some crush on him, but he is not a relationship guy and you... you are a relationship girl.” Nami was struggling to find her words and I could clearly see this, but I was taken aback when I heard her observation about me.

“What do you mean by me being a ‘relationship’ girl?”

“I mean that you are the type who wants stability not a one-night stand.” Nami clicked her tongue. I frowned my brows. I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out. “You see, that is what I mean, you can’t even deny it yourself.” She laughed at me.

“So what? Is that a bad thing?” I snapped. “Plus, I don’t have any feelings towards him, and I promise you he doesn’t see me for anything more than a friend. He made sure to make this clear.” I murmured the last part. Nami squeezed my hand again and I looked at her.

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I’m saying that Ace is not the guy for it.” She explained as patted me on the shoulder. “I know a guy with an obvious crush on you though.” She smirked when I turned my head quick to look at her.

“Who?” I snorted raising my eyebrow curiously.

“I’m not telling you until you at least admit you have a crush on Ace.” She nagged with a smile.

“Nami I’m not admitting anything, I don’t have a crush on Ace. Yes, I do find him attractive but so what? Finding someone attractive and having crush on them are two different things.” I said and rolled my eyes at her. “Now tell me who has crush on me?”

“Yeah, keep lying to yourself.” She also rolled her eyes at me. “Anyway, are you really not getting who I am referring to?” Nami giggled at my confused expression. I shook my head, I couldn’t think of anyone who might have crush on me. “Come on, try to guess at least.” She nagged me.

“Nami, I really don’t know I don’t interact with a lot of guys, so tell me, who is it?” It won’t be Ace this was something I was sure of.

“Dave.” Nami said and smirked. I laughed at her answer.

“No, he doesn’t.” I continued to laugh. When it comes to Dave, this was a relationship that I was a thousand percent sure what was it, and it was nothing more than a friendship. “Look, I might be confused with my ‘friendship’ with Ace, but when it comes to Dave, I’m pretty sure where we stand.” I confidently said, taking a sip of my now chilled tea.

“Girl, be fucking for real now.” Nami mocked me. “Dave is head over hills for you, and you are so blind to see it, and now I know why – because you are too busy focusing on the wrong guy aka Ace.” She blabbed and I gave her an ice-cold look.

“First of all, I’m not focused at all on Ace, and second you are wrong about Dave, plus I don’t see him in that way, so case closed.” I gave her a mocking smile and she rolled her eyes at me again.

“Okay, answer this one question and I won’t bother you anymore, if you have to choose between Ace and Dave who would you choose?” The look in her eyes was challenging as she raised her eyebrow.

“The one who makes me feel understood.” I said and winked at her, knowing that my answer left her confused a bit. She was about to protest when I interrupted. “Now tell me the tea.” I knew this was going to distract Nami for a bit. I didn’t want to talk anymore about Ace, let alone Dave as Nami was more wrong about Dave than she was about Ace.

“Oh yes, so apparently Law is having a serious girlfriend now. And she is also coming to watch them, and we are going to meet her as she will be joining our group with Koala.” Her eyes lit up with excitement while she was giving me more and more details about the whole ‘Law’s girlfriend’ situation. At some point I stopped her little rant to ask where she got all this information from which she gave me two names – Luffy and Usopp. At this point these two were as big of a gossipers as Nami was. We stayed for a little bit more before we decided to leave. While we were walking to the metro station, we continue to chitchat. Before we went to our separate ways, I called after her.

“About... about Ace... you wouldn’t tell anyone, right?” I knew she wouldn’t, but I had to make sure she would promise she wouldn’t mention anything to anyone.

“I haven’t seen nor heard anything.” She winked at me and smile before disappearing from my sight. I bit on my lip nodding to myself before I turned to walk to my direction.

On my way to home I started to think of what Nami said, especially about Dave. We did become closer in the past few weeks, but not in the way Nami saw it. We did hang out a lot around the university, Dave invited me out a few times, but I had to turn him down as I was busy with other things at the time. But going out and going on a date were two different things and Dave never invited me out on a date. He was just super friendly and a good person in general, so Nami was left with the wrong impression. Even if he did invite me on a date, I would have turned it down as I didn’t see him as anything more than a friend. Seeing Dave around university or even if I saw him randomly on the street would be nice, as he was my friend and I love coming across my friends, but there would be no blood rush, no heartbeat skipped, no excitement for when I would see him again – I would simply feel nothing.

I got home and changed into something more comfortable and like every other day I was either going to read or watch something as I didn’t have any other plans for the day. I sat on the sofa and grabbed my phone. Without realising what I was doing I opened my messages with Ace. When I realised what I have done I slightly shook my head in confusion. I knew why I opened his messages because when I was with Nami I thought of texting Ace to congratulate him on performing in ‘Ska Stage’ but he still hasn’t apologised properly so I shook the thought away. But now – home alone and bored I realised that I didn’t want to just congratulate him, I wanted to speak with him, to have some kind of interaction with him. I caught myself craving his presence, his attention even and this scared me to my core. Tossing my phone to the side before I do something that I might regret later, I grabbed the blanket and threw it over me before I put something to watch. I tried to shake the feeling away and distract my mind from Ace.

Whatever I put on the TV didn’t matter as my thoughts ran back to my last conversation I had with Kid. Out of nowhere I remembered the last time we saw and spoke to each other. It was after the Halloween party and I remembered I asked him how to tell if a guy who was kind of an ass might be into me, and his answer was simple – he would keep his distance but fail to do so every time. I wondered if this was the case with Ace, but I doubt it. Ace was just... Ace. Whatever might have logic to explain things for a normal person it didn’t apply for him. Ace was special in his own unique way, the last thing on the list of why he would constantly disappear and reappear was because he was into me. After all he was the one who made sure to make it clear that we would never be anything more than friends, even thought his view for ‘friendship’ was questionable. At this point I was the one who must distance myself from him even if it would be quite hard considering how much time I have spent recently just thinking about him. Yes, I should do this. I can’t afford to fall for Ace, let alone to admit to myself that the ‘innocent’ crush was starting to grow into something bigger.

*********

The following week past by fast and before I knew it was already Friday. We were having our official evaluations today and I was quite nervous, but at the same time I was looking forward to seeing my classmates’ movies and see how everyone’s vision has come to life. I took a seat between Nami and Usopp. Usopp pulled out different type of candies and small snacks from his backpack as we were going to watch movies the entire day and there was noting better than having something to munch on while watching. First it was Nami’s group, so for the first four hours we were watching their movies. Nami’s short film was beautiful, it actually made me tear up, as it was about a girl who was saying goodbye to her childhood toys in metaphor of losing her innocence. Her movie started so colourful – everything filmed in warm tones, while the end was in a way darker colours representing the grieving of the girl.

“It’s beautiful Nami.” I whispered to her as I wrapped my arms around her when the film finished. She cooed at me as she saw me crying and gave me a napkin.

“Thank you.” Nami said to me and then focused on what our teachers had to say about it.

After we saw the last movie from her group, we got an hour for lunchbreak. Today was pouring rain outside so we went to the university cafeteria and sat by one of the tables next to the big windows. We were mostly discussing the movies we saw and which of them we liked the best. As we were talking Dave saw us and came by our table, taking a seat next to me.

“Hey, what’s up guys? How are the evaluations going?” He gave me a charming smile before he focused his attention to Nami and Usopp. Nami glanced at me for a second before a little smiled formed on her face. I mockingly rolled my eyes at her as I knew what she was implying with this look on her face. Usopp and Dave started to chitchat and Nami was joining from time to time. I was eating my sandwich not really paying attention to their conversation, looking at the rain falling outside from the window as I had something totally different in mind. I felt a finger poking my sides and I quickly turned my head towards Dave. “What’s up? Are you out in space again?” He asked with a smile, but my eyes widen at his question. Did he just say, ‘are you out with Ace again?’

“Excuse me?” I must have heard wrong. Dave laughed at my expression and repeated his question.

“I asked, are you out in space again?” This time he said it slower. My brows raised and my mouth formed in an ‘O’ shape as this time I heard correctly.

“Sorry, I heard something totally different.” I chuckled. “Yes, I was out in deep space again.”

“What did you hear?” Usopp asked raising his eyebrow. I waved my hand in dismiss as it wasn’t important.

“So, Dave what are you doing tomorrow?” Nami asked him but glanced at me. She was up to something. I could tell it by the way her eyes had mischievous flame dancing in them.

“Watching football match with some of my friends. Why?” He turned his head to Nami, interested in what she was about to offer him.

“Do you want to come with us instead to watch the guys perform live?” She gave him a saccharine smile resting her chin on her palm. I shoot her a quick annoyed glance before I could stop myself. I didn’t even know why I did it, but I just hoped that Dave would say no.

“The guys?” Dave asked before he realised whom Nami was referring to. “Oh, your friends? No, thank you I will pass.” He said, but it was something in his tone that caught me off.

“What do you mean by ‘no I will pass’?” I mocked his voice. Dave raised his shoulders a bit and gave me an apologetic look before he answered me.

“Not a fan, sorry.” He awkwardly said, scratching the back of his neck while avoiding looking at me.

“Why’s that Dave?” Nami asked just a second before I could. I could see that Dave was getting a little uncomfortable.

“Let’s just say that it’s not my type of music.” He chuckled. I snorted at his response, and they all turned their attention towards me.

“Yes, they are. You have played me some of your friends’ music and it is quite similar to what Ace does.”

“They do.” Nami quickly added. I gave her a questionable look. “You said ‘what Ace does’ I’m just correcting you that they are four of them.” She smugly smiled at me knowing what she was doing. Usopp’s eyes shifted between both of us catching that something was up. Dave had his head turned to the side so I couldn’t see his reaction as he was facing away from me.

“Ha-ha did I? Well, usually we refer to the lead singer, don’t we?” I chuckled awkwardly hoping that no one would make a big deal out of it. Dave taped his hand on the table before he stood from his chair.

“I have to go now, guys. See you around.” He bit us a quick goodbye and left before we could say anything.

“That was strange.” I said. Usopp nodded and Nami gave me a look. “What?”

“Usopp, do you think Dave is into (Y/N)?” Nami tilted her head to Usopp. My eyes widen in disbelieve. Usopp just nodded in response as he was eating. Once he swallowed his food, he cleared his throat before he spoke.

“It is painfully obvious.” He took another bite of his food.

“Thank you, Usopp.” Nami loudly exclaimed and clapped with her hands.

“No, he is not. I promise you guys, you are wrong about this.” I argued with them. Dave was not into me and even if he was, I refused to believe it as the feelings weren’t mutual. Nami was about to start arguing with me, but Usopp beat her.

“Yes, he is. He even asked me if you are seeing someone and if that was why you are turning him down all the time.” He calmly said. My brows raised up when I heard that. “He even thought that something is going on between you and Ace, but I promised him that there is nothing going on between you two.” I side-eyed Nami when Usopp mentioned Ace and she raised her eyebrow at me with a ‘I told you’ look written all over her face.

“I have never turned him down, neither I knew that he was asking me out on a date.” I quickly defended myself. “Plus, he asked me as well for Ace, and I told him that nothing is going on between us, I don’t know where he got this idea from.” I sighed rolling my eyes.

“Ace was giving him looks while we were filming the video all the time, so no wonder he thought you might be the reason why, but I reassured him that Ace is sometimes like this around new people.” Usopp explained.

“Yeah, Ace does this sometimes. No wonder Dave left when you mentioned him.” The sassiness in Nami’s voice clicked something in me and I got pissed.

“Okay, I want to make something clear to everyone once and for all.” I stood up from my chair as I started to put my lunchbox back in my bag. “There is nothing between Ace and I, okay? Is that clear?” I pointed my finger at both as they were looking at me with widen eyes, surprised by my outburst. “And I have made it clear that I’m not interested in dating anyone, so if someone has anything towards me sorry not sorry it is not mutual. Now please if you excuse me, I need some time alone.” I put my bag on my shoulder and storm out of the cafeteria.

I went out for a few minutes to get some fresh air. The rain was still pouring, and it was getting even colder, but I needed some time alone. Why was everyone assuming something was happening between Ace and me? All the ‘closure’ we have ever had was when no one has been around. Did Luffy mention something? I have heard that he has a big mouth, but he did promise me to not tell anyone about that one time I stayed over Ace’s place.  Honestly, I was tired of hearing and talking about Ace and in the past week or so he was the main topic in all the conversations I have had with people.

I looked at time on my phone and sighed. It was time to go back to the cinema room to watch my groups movies. I slowly made my way there and when I entered Nami and Usopp were waiting for me. For a moment I hesitated if I should take a new seat, but this was going to be very childish of me, so I just sat between them without saying anything. They gave me an apologetic look, but I just ignore it.

My movie was the third one of that we saw from our group. It received something between a bad and a good grade, which wasn’t the grade I was aiming for and this made me a disappointed at myself. I knew it wasn’t going to be the best, but also, I didn’t expect it to be so average.

“It was a great movie (Y/N).” Nami whispered in my ear as she gently placed her hand on my shoulder. Usopp gave me the thumbs up and mouthed ‘good job’. I slightly nodded and thanked them. If my mood was bad because of the conversation we had before the second part of the evaluations now it was completely ruined. Usopp’s movie was last – it was about a man who had to choose between chasing his dream or staying to live in the small town where he came from with the love of his life. The ending was open to the audience which added a very nice note to the movie. I patted him on the back when it finished, as he did a great job. After the evaluations were done, I was the first one to leave the room immediately. I heard Usopp yelling after me, but I guessed Nami stopped him as none of them came after me for which I was thankful. All I wanted was to be alone for a bit.

I got home as quick as possible. The moment I took off my jacket and boots and sat on the couch my tears stared to fall. As much as I doubted myself, I have always tried to be the best in the things that I did. Knowing how much effort I put into this project and receiving an average grade did affect me. I knew that my script wasn’t the most unique scenario out there, but the grade was not based on scripts. It was based on directing. And I did fail. I pulled my legs close to my chest as I wrapped my hands around my body. Quiet sobs left my body. Thoughts were running wild in my mind about what I could have done differently to change the outcome of the movie. It was only a project, but it was the most important one for the first semester, and in my mind, I failed it. And I knew that many more projects were coming, but it wasn’t just the grade that put me down – it was the effort, the stress, the time, all this that I invested in, only to be an average result. I looked at my phone and I saw that I had some messages from Usopp and Nami, wondering if I was alright and if I needed someone to talk to I should call them. Another sob left my lips as I realised how bad I treated them today with my outburst. They were too nice to me. I didn’t respond to them right away instead I was just staring at the contacts I had on iMessage. There was one person who I knew was going to understand me, but I didn’t want to bother him. It was more like I wasn’t sure if he would mind me to bother him.

Before my mind could process it, I was already dialing his number. I put it on speaker and placed it on my right knee as I propped my head on my left one. The phone continued to ring for some time and just as I was about to hang up, he picked up.

“Hello?” His voice was low and raspy as always.

“I failed my short-cuts.” I said quietly and sniffed.

“I doubt this, doll.” His tone was soft but the way he said it was very assuring.

“Oh, I-I did Ace. I really did a b-bad job, the grade I got i-is quite average a-and compared to my classmates m-movies mine was just ‘okay’, nothing wow. I-I failed as a d-director.”

“Wow, wow, calm down okay. First of all, are you crying?” Ace asked concerned. I hummed and sniffed again. “Doll, please relax. I know the feeling, okay? We can’t always be at the top.” He chuckled. “And you said that your movie is average, you didn’t say ‘bad’ – average doesn’t always mean bad.”

“But it was nothing ‘wow’. And I had made quite lot of mistakes directing the actors.” I cried.

“Oh, you cry baby.” Ace chuckled softly. “Last time I checked you were a filmmaking student, not a filmmaker already. Don’t beat yourself so much. Just learn from whatever mistakes you’ve made.” His tone continued to be calm and reassuring. I didn’t know how to respond to what he said because he was right. I was overthinking it rather than learn from it. “Do you need me to come?” He broke the silence that took over the phone.

“No, please don’t. I just... I just needed someone to talk to.” I sniffed again and whipped my tears with the back of my hand. I cursed myself in my mind. “I’m so sorry for calling you, I don’t know what took over me. I-I hope... I-I didn’t bother you with my o-outburst and... and c-can we forge-” Ace was quick to interrupt me.

“You didn’t bother me at all.” His voice was tender. “And stop apologising and crying, otherwise I will come despite your wants.” He warned me and I could sense that he wasn’t joking. “Also, I doubt your movie is as bad or ‘boring’ as you clamed it to be. So next time your pretty face is free you are coming over and showing it to me, okay?” His voice was playful which made me smile.

“Okay.” I giggled. “I will do that, I promise.”

“Good.” He simply responded. “Plus, give yourself some credit. Our music video is already at two hundred thousand views on YouTube, and you directed this. Not many of you classmates can say the same, am I wrong?” I have totally forgotten about this, until Ace mentioned it. It has gained even more views in the last week.

“Oh my, I didn’t know it got so many views. Congrast Ace.” My smile grew wilder.

“Well, thanks, but this was possible because of you. Don’t forget that.” He hummed on the phone.

“You give me too much credit. People listen to the music and don’t pay that much attention to the video.”

“Yes and no, bu-” Ace got interrupted as I could hear someone calling for him. “Listen doll, I must go now, as we are rehearsing for tomorrow. But please, relax. It was just a grade not the determination of your career.”

“You are right.” I let out a sigh.

“If you need something or...” He paused for a second before continuing. “Or you need me just let me know.” His voice got even lower, and I just hummed in response. “Okay, I have to go now, take care.”

“Ace...” I said just before he hung up.

“Yes, doll.”

“Thank you.” I whispered. He didn’t say anything and just hung up.

I could feel myself relax a bit. This was the thing about Ace – he always knew how to make me relax, how to calm me down, how to make me feel safe. Even if we haven’t seen each other for almost three weeks now, deep down when I was dailing his number I knew that he would pick up. I knew that he was the only person who could calm me down and he did. I got this weird warm feeling in my chest when I recalled him calling me ‘pretty face’. He knew how to sweep a girl off her feet. If I wasn’t affected right now, I was probably going to make some snarky comment on it, but not this time. I took my phone and quickly wrote an apologetic message to Nami and Usopp.

After almost an hour I got a phone call from unknown number. I picked up and it was a delivery. The delivery guy asked me if I could give him the door code so he could deliver it to my door or if I would like to go down and picked it up myself. I explained that I haven’t ordered anything, but he said that he had my address and name given with the phone number. That was strange, but I gave him the door code as I was too lazy to go down myself. The doorbell rang and I opened. He gave me the bag with whatever was inside and left. I closed the door and looked at bag that seemed to have food in it. I raised my eyebrows in confusion because I haven’t made any order. I put the bag on the kitchen counter and opened it.

“No, he didn’t.” I exclaimed as I covered my mouth with the palm of my hand. Inside the bag was a box of my favourite chicken wings from Pappa Grappa and there was another box with three different cakes – a chocolate cake, a carrot cake and an Oreo cheesecake. There was also a little note in the bag: ‘I wasn’t sure which one you would like so I got you all three – Ace.’ I almost started to cry again. No one has ever done such gesture for me. My hear was beating fast in my chest. I closed my eyes and bit my lip as I tried to stop the big smile growing on my face. Why would he do such thing for me? I grabbed my phone and quickly wrote him a message.

‘You didn’t have to do this... but thank you.’

‘I know. I just wanted to.’ He replied after some time.

I reread his message a few times. It was on a repeat in my mind. Something in this message made me feel in a way I have never felt before. But not in a way where butterflies were flying in your stomach or you breath stops, nothing like this. It was this hard to explain feeling of significance if I may call it this way. Like he cared about me, otherwise he wouldn’t do such thing. Ace is a good person, but I have noticed that there are things which he would do only for those who he cared for. A warm feeling bloomed in my heart. Ace cared for me.

I placed my hand on my chest, feeling the beating of my heart. This wasn’t a ‘innocent’ crush anymore. I couldn’t lie or deny it to myself anymore. After all, in a bad day like this one he was the first person I called, he was the person I needed, he was the person who made it better. I did not fall from this small gesture – no. This small gesture just opened my own eyes for the truth that I was trying to deny myself. I did have feelings for Ace. They were nowhere near to being in love with him, but they were there. They were there, freed from the shackles I have had wrapped around them. I felt free as I no longer needed to lie to myself. Yes, maybe they weren’t mutual feeling, but the fact that he cared for me in his own way was enough. I picked a fork from the kitchen drawer and opened the cake box taking a bite of the chocolate cake. I wasn’t sure if the cake was really this sweet or me coming to terms with my feelings towards Ace. The only thing in my mind without any guilt this time was the thought of Ace and the fact that I was going to see him tomorrow night.

************

My apartment was a mess. There were clothes and shoes everywhere and my make up was all spread around the bathroom counter. Nami and Sanji were going to pick me up in less than an hour now and I was nowhere close by being ready. I have just finished doing my hair and what was left was choosing an outfit and putting a lipstick on. Since yesterday I was thinking what should I be wearing tonight, and nothing seemed to be good enough. I even called Nami earlier wondering what she was planning to wear even thought I wasn’t planning on matching with her. Her saying that she was going to wear a mini dress gave me the confidence to go for something not so cold friendly as well. Speaking of Nami, I received a message from her that they were going to be outside my place in fifteen minutes, and it sent me into a spiral.

I set my mind on something simple, yet eye catching – a silver sparkling mini skirt with a white top. I added some nice sliver jewellery as final touches to the outfit before I put on my white high heel booths on and coat. I took a final look at myself and realised I forgot to put on lipstick. I ran to the bathroom and searched for the one I had in mind. When I finally found it and the lip pencil, I carefully lined my lips and filed them up with the lipstick. Now I gave myself one final look and smiled at myself. I put the lipstick and the lippen in my coat’s pocket as I decided to skip on a purse.

Running down the stairs my heart was beating fast. In less than an hour I was going to see Ace and this bubble of excitement was growing bigger with every passing minute. We haven’t seen each other in three weeks, and I was going to lie if I said I didn’t put extra effort in the way I looked today. Opening the backseat door of the car I was met with almost the whole gang.

“Hey guys.” I greeted all four of them. Luffy scouched in the middle seat making space for me to sit. When I sat down, we three were like sardines in a can, and we started to laugh as Luffy was too tall to sit in the middle. I offered him to switch before Sanji drove off, but he said he was okay. “I didn’t know you two were coming with Nami and Sanji.” I said to Luffy and Zoro.

“A free ride is a free ride, shihihi.” Luffy grinned at me. Zoro slightly nodded agreeing with Luffy.

“You look mesmerising (Y/N).” Sanji complimented me as we locked eyes in the front mirror.

“Thank you, Sanji. You too, as always.” I smiled at his compliment.

“Be careful (Y/N), you might give this dumbhead, a heart attack and he will crash us before we even drove off.” Zoro snorted.

“You better shut up, before I kick you out of my car, mosshead.” Sanji snapped back. They started to snap back and forth between each other, something that was a typical for them. Luffy was laughing at their banter and Nami turned to me.

“Girl, you look stunning. Planning to break some hearts tonight?” She teased me.

“I could say the same about you.” I teased her back. I couldn’t see how she was dressed under her coat, but she mentioned she was going to wear a red mini dress. Her hair was up in a very nicely done bun while some strands were freely falling around her beautify face.

Soon we arrived at the club. The queue was long, way longer than the one in front of ‘The Red Pirates’. The security guards were intimidating but not as much as Beckman and Lucky. Behind them the loud music from the club could be heard even far away from the entrance. Suddenly a small wave of anxiety hit me, and I wrapped my coat tighter around my body. Zoro seemed to notice and came closer to me.

“Don’t worry, we are cutting past the queue, and we have a special table.” He said in my ear. I smiled and nodded at him, as silent thank you for his reassuring. Nami called after us to follow her. By the entrance were standing Koala and one more girl. The girl had a tall and nicely curved body. Her long black hair was falling freely on her back. When she turned around, I was amazed, as I have never seen such a gorgeous woman before. I even heard Zoro murmuring ‘damn’ quietly under his breath.

“Hello guys.” Koala waved her hands excitedly at us. Luffy was first to reached her and he wrapped his arms around her, lifting her up from the ground. “Luffy put me down.” She squeaked happily. He did as he was told and let a boyish laugher. When she saw Nami and me she gave us hugs. “How are you girls, you look stunning.” She complimented us. “Oh, everyone. This is Robin, Law’s girlfriend.” Koala introduced us to the beautiful woman who’s name we have just learned. I glanced at Zoro whose face was unreadable as always, but I caught his lip twitching a bit when he heard that Robin was taken.

“Nice, to meet you, Robin.” I smiled at her.

“Nice to meet you, as well guys. I have heard quite a lot about you.” She shyly chuckled.

“Whatever you have heard and depends on from who it might be true.” Sanji winked at her. Nami sighed loudly next to him and nudged his sides. Sanji gave her an apologetic look as he couldn’t contain his admiration towards Robin.

“Are we all here?” Koala asked as she counted us to make sure we didn’t miss someone.

“Usopp and Kaya should be here any minute now.” Luffy told her.

“Okay, let’s wait for them. Hopefully they come soon as I need to go and see my man before his big night.” Her eyes sparkled when she referred to Sabo. “And Robin here, too. It’s so nice to know that I’m not the only girlfriend you know.” She said jokingly.

It didn’t take long for Usopp and Kaya to join us. Now when we were all together Koala cut the line and spoke with the guards. They nodded at us and took down the rope letting us in. We walked in straight and left our coats in the cloakroom.

“Wow, (Y/N), you look gorgeous, I love the skirt.” Koala said to me as I took of my coat. I got flattered by her compliment.

“Oh, thank you. I bought it in the summer but never got the chance to wear it.” I chuckled.

“Well, tonight is your lucky night.” She winked at me before she turned to everyone. “Okay guys, follow me to our table and from there on you deal on your own.” Koala clapped her hands, and like a kindergarten kids we followed her strictly.

The club was big, it could probably fit up to five hundred people, and the fact that the guys sold out the show meant it would be full tonight. The illumination lights were showering the place in blue and purple colours. Where the stage was positioned the band’s logo was on display, behind the DJ booth. The music which he was playing was quite popular and catchy so there were already a lot of people dancing and singing on the dance floor. The dance floor wasn’t as crowded as the bar was. I could only imagine the stress the bartenders were under with so many people around. We reached the VIP section and there was security standing at the podium. Koala showed them something on her phone and they nodded letting us pass and gave us paper bracelets, which were for them to know that we were allowed in this aera.

“Okay, guys I have pre-ordered the drinks I know you all usually drink. There are waitresses as well so if you go out of something let them know.” Koala had to scream so we could hear her. “Robin and I must go and see the guys before they start, so leave something for us as well, okay?” She laughed before grabbing Robin by the hand and disappearing into the crowed. I frowned a bit, as I realised, I wouldn’t be able to see Ace until they were done performing.

“Luffy, I love your brothers for paying for all of this.” Nami wrapped her arms around Luffy giving him a kiss on the cheek.

“Come on guys, let’s get this party started.” Luffy yelled over the music and clapped with his hands. It didn’t take Zoro and Sanji another second to start opening the three bottles of alcohol in the table. They filled up everyone’s glasses with ether vodka or rum, Zoro and Luffy mixing both, with some cola or redbull. Zoro handed me mine and I thanked him. Everyone cheered and took a sip of their drink. I didn’t want to get drunk tonight, so I was planning to keep it light with the drinks. The guys were going to perform around twelve and I had no idea what time it was already. I got a little jump scared when I started to pat my sides only to realise, I forgot my phone in my coat. An annoyed sigh left my lips. Kaya was sitting next to me, wrapped in Usopp arms so I tapped her on the shoulder.

“Kaya, do you have any idea what time it is?” I leaned close to her ear so she could hear me. She took Usopp’s hand and looked at his watch.

“Eleven twenty.” She said as loud as possible over the loud music. I nodded my head and mouthed a ‘thank you’. I took look at our surroundings. The club got even more crowded since we have been here. Sanji and Usopp were chitchatting about something, while Nami was in between Zoro and Luffy taking vodka shots. The VIP podium was a little higher so while my eyes were roaming around, they locked with some random guy. He gave me a smile and raised his drink at me for a greeting. I raised mine just a bit, giving him an awkward smile in return.

“Get up you two.” Nami came and pulled both of Kaya and me up. “We are here to have fun, not to sit like some old people.” She handed each of us a glass of shot. We were about to protest when she pointed her finger at us with a stern look. Kaya and I glanced at each other, and we raised the shot glasses for a cheer before drinking them. I scrunched my face from the after taste and Kaya’s whole body shook. “Now we are talking.” Nami smiled wide.

“I will run to the toilets.” I said to Kaya.

“You want me to come with you?” She gently placed her hand on my mine.

“No, it’s fine, I will be back fast.” I reassured her and turned around to go and search for the toilets. I stopped and asked the security to guided me where I could find them, and he pointed the direction. On my way to the toilets, I had to push through people as everyone was bumping into each other. Someone bumped into me but instead of saying sorry or anything they just stayed there. It was the guy who smiled at me a few minutes ago.

“Hey, you.” He came closer to me and leaned to my ear. “You are quite an eye catch.” He said eyeing me up and down. I gave him another awkward smile as I tried to move past him. But he didn’t let me.

“Sorry I need to go to the toilet.” I screamed over the loud music as I took a step back.

“Give me, your name at least.” He came closer to me again. This guy was making me feel uncomfortable. In comparison to me he was taller, but not very tall. Very muscular, but obviously not naturally. His hair was cut short and somehow it suited his face. He wasn’t ugly, but he wasn’t attractive as well. It didn’t really matter as I was not interested in him at all. I got the hint that he wouldn’t let me go until he gets my name, so I gave it to him. “I hope to get to see you again (Y/N).” He said as he stepped aside. I quickly made my way to the toilet and sighed in relief. This guy gave me the chills.

As the security guy was letting me back in the VIP aera my breath got caught in my lungs. Ace was at our table speaking with Usopp and Luffy. He was standing with his back facing me, but I could recognise his posture and black raven hair from miles away. The security snapped his fingers in front of my face as I had frozen on the spot. I lowered my head and stared to slowly walk to our table. I tried to fix my hair a bit before he could see me. My heart started to beat fast and my mind to run wild. How should I approach him? Or what should I tell him? Before could answer these questions myself Usopp pointed out at me. Ace’s body slightly turned as he turned his head to look at me. He was dressed like the first time I saw them perform, all black with his shirt unbuttoned a bit revelling his muscular chest with his red beam neckless around his neck. Chills ran down all over my body when our gazes locked. His face was unreadable. I finally stood in front of them three, but I couldn’t dare to look at Ace as my shyness took over.

“Where did you go?” Luffy was the first one to speak.

“Toilet.” I shortly replied. My eyes shyly moved to look at Ace as I could feel his eyes on me. A little smile was playing on his lips. Kaya pulled Usopp by the hand for something and Luffy took a step back going back to Zoro.

“You know I don’t bite, doll.” Ace took a step towards me and leaded closer to my ear so I could hear him. Even with high heels on he was still taller than me and I had to look up to meet his eyes. I gave him a playful eyeroll.

“I-I just didn’t expect to see you.” I replied and tried to hide the fact that I got a little nervous seeing him.

“Oh, sorry did you come to see ‘The Ghetto’ tonight? They cancelled so we had to take over.” He joked with me and a big grin spread over his face. I chuckled and pushed his chest playfully to get away from me.

“I thought I won’t see you until after you perform.” I said.

“I got bored and came to say ‘hi’ to Luffy.”

“Only to Luffy?” I gasped and dramatically put my hand to my chest. Ace snorted and tilted his head to the stage.

“Well, enjoy yourself, I gotta go.” He said as he turned to leave, but before he did, he leaned closer to my ear again. “You look flawless, doll.” The way he said it with his low and raspy voice, almost making it impossible to hear him over the loud music, made my legs go numb. Before I could reply, he was gone. As I snaped out of the trance I got in and looked at the table praying that no one saw our little interaction. Someone yelled shots and I reached with my hand and quickly grabbed one from the table. The taste of it burning my insides but after this close encounter with Ace I needed one. Koala and Robin joined us soon after and quickly grabbed a drink for themselves.

The guys came on stage after twenty minutes. They were met with loud applauses. From our spot Luffy whistled loudly and Usopp joined him, while Koala was shouting Sabo’s name. My entire focus was on Ace. He looked so confident, his whole presence and aura filling up the space. His charming smile was big as he ran his hand through his hair. He turned his head to look at Sabo and nodded to him that they could start playing.

If things were different, we were young Skinny dipping, having fun, I remember

His voice was melodious filling the air with a soulful melody. Ace might have been hard to read when it came to his emotions, but when he was singing, he was pouring all of them and his feelings into the lyrics.

What a mistake saying the way I felt I'd say my main influence is myself And 'cause I started young, I learned a ton, I didn't run

I knew this was one of the songs which he wrote himself. When we were looking for locations to shoot their music video, I asked Ace if they wrote their songs together or if it was only one of them who did it. He told me that it depended, but mostly it was Law and Sabo who wrote their songs. I got surprised by his response back then as I always thought he had a big input on the songs, but he added that there were some songs he wrote entirely himself, and the ‘Alleyways’ was one of them.

All I wanted would become everything I ever loved, I remember (I left myself in the alleyway)

Loud applauses and cheering came the moment the song finished.

“Hello, everyone. My name is Ace, the guy playing the drums is my brother Sabo, on my left is Law and on my right is Deuce. We are ‘The Neighbourhood’ and we thank you for being here tonight.” Ace spoke on the microphone and another round of cheers came from the crowed. They didn’t waste any time and started to play their next song.

Their set was amazing. People were singing and dancing, enjoying the night. Even Zoro joined and sang some of the lyrics in their songs. When they sang ‘Compass’ Koala and I sang the loudest of our group. The song was written for her after all, but I had my own special moment with it as well. They wrapped their performance with ‘Sweater Weather’ and the entire crowed sang with them the song. After all it was their most popular song.

“Thank you everyone.” Ace said as they finished with their performance. “This was the first time ever we have played live in front of so many people. Again, a big thank you to all of you who support us. Before we leave the stage, we have two important things to announce.” His smile grew big as he was met with loud cheering. “First we are going on a small tour across the country.” Everyone cheered for them in unison, I even felt my heart skipping a beat when Ace announced it, happy that this was happening. “And second... should I actually tell them guys?” He chuckled playfully as he turned to look at the rest of the band. They nodded at him with big smiles on their faces. “We are working on our first official album which means that a lot of new music is coming your way.” The cheering from the people around was nothing compared to the shock faces of all of us, even Koala and Luffy.

“Did you know about this?” Luffy yelled at her with excitement. She shook her head ‘no’ but both hugged and started to jump happily.

“Did you know Robin?” I asked her as she was standing next to me.

“No, I didn’t. But Law did mention to me that they were going to announce something important tonight other than the small tour.” She explained and gave me a big smile.

The guys left the stage, and the DJ took over again. It would take them some time to join us. I felt a little tipsy from the shots and the two glasses of rum and cola that I drank. Knowing that Ace would be here soon I started to get a little nervous so I tapped Nami on the shoulder and told her that I would be back in a second as I needed to go to the toilet. She was too invested in her conversation with Usopp and Sanji that she didn’t pay me much attention.

It took me some time to reach the toilets. There were some girls crying while others were trying to calm them down. Others were drunk complimenting each other – the whole girl club experience. I washed my hands and looked myself in the mirror. My lipstick was gone at this point only the faint line of my lipliner was visible. I sighed as my lipstick was also in my coat. One girl saw my struggle and offered me her lipstick, but I politely declined. I quickly fixed my hair a bit and left the bathroom. Sudden thirst for water hit me and before I return to our table I went to the bar. I waited around ten minutes until it was my turn to order.

“Hey, can I just have a glass of water?” I yelled at the bartender so she could hear me over the loud music. She nodded and handed me a glass filed up with cold water. I thanked her and moved to the side, so I didn’t hold the queue. Putting the glass down on the bar counter I felt someone behind me. I turned around and the guy from earlier was standing there with two glasses filled up with some drink.

“I saw you again I couldn’t resist the urge to buy you drink. Have been admiring you the whole night so I’ve noticed you drink rum and coke.” He smiled and extended his hand offering me the drink.

“Ha, oh, thanks.” I grabbed the drink as I didn’t want to offend him. The creepy vibes this guy was giving me were growing with every passing second.

“Cheers then.” He raised his glass and clicked it with mine, taking a sip from his. I just gave him a little smile not wanting to take a sip of the drink. “Why aren’t you drinking? You know when you give a cheer you take a sip of the drink.” He came closer to me and yelled so I could hear him better over the loud music. I laughed awkwardly and took a small sip of the drink, hoping that after this he would leave me alone.

“Thank you for the drink, but I have to go to my friends.” I tried to be as polite as possible, but he held me by the shoulder before I had the chance to leave.

“Oh, please at least finish your drink with me here and then I promise if you still find me annoying, I won’t bother you again.” His tone was pleading. “I promise, I’m not some bad guy, I just think you are very beautiful, and I want to talk with you.” I gave him a doubtful look at first and then sighed and nodded. Maybe I was wrong and judging too fast, he might be a good guy after all. I planned to finish the drink fast so I could go back to Nami and the guys. Ace would be there soon, he might be already there as well, and I wanted to speak and congratulate him.

The guy whose name I didn’t catch because of the music started to talk and I was nodding the entire time while sipping on the drink. He asked me questions like if I had a boyfriend and who I was here with to which I answered quick. I finished with the drink and tried to excuse myself, but he stopped me again.

“Please, am I such a bad company? Just give me five more minutes.” At this point I felt bad as I didn’t want to be rude, I was simply not interested in him. I nodded and promised myself it was the last five minutes I was giving him.

I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that it was crowded with people around the bar or the sudden quickened heartbeat, but a heatwave hit me out of nowhere. I started to wave my hand in front of my face trying to get some cold air in my face.

“Hey, are you okay?” The guy asked me with concern written over his face. I tried to speak but nothing came out. “Do you want to go outside? You seemed to need some fresh air.” He didn’t even wait for my response as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders and started to walk me through the crowed.

“N-no, s-stop.” I tried to protest but my words were stumbling. My mouth became extremely dry, and I have never felt such thirst in my life. “I-I want-t to g-go... m-y f-friends... A-Ace...” I tried to push the guy away, but he only tightened his grip around me. I turned my head at the direction where the VIP section was supposed to be, but my vision started to get blurry as I was losing my focus.

“Shh, it’s okay I will get you back to your friends.” The guy said. “We just going to have some fun first.” He whispered in my ear. My mind barely processed what he said the only thing I could feel was the cold air hitting my face and body. Everything around me was blurred and my body felt numb. My heart was beating so fast I was afraid it might explode any second now. The feeling of something bad that was about to happen took over me, but I couldn’t fight or say something. All I could feel right now was confusion and dizziness. With every taken step the numbness in my body was growing. At some point I lost track of time. I heard a voice which sounded so familiar, but I couldn’t recognise whose it was. I only felt being let go off as the guy no longer had his arms wrapped around me and I had to keep my own balance. Keeping my eyes open became impossible, I just felt being pulled into something before darkness took over me.

*********

After the guys were done with the performance Ace left the stage first. The only thing he wanted to do right now was to take a smoke and be in some quite place for a few minutes. The good thing was that behind the club’s stage was a door which was leading to the back entrance to an empty alley. His hands were shaking a bit from the adrenalin he felt while on stage as he opened a new pack of cigarettes.

‘The set went well, it could have been better, but it went well.’ Ace was thinking to himself while lighting up a cigarette. He took a long puff of it, closing his eyes and leaning on the wall. There were a few good things that happened tonight – first the performance went well, which was something he was rarely satisfied with; second was the fact that he didn’t get any narcolepsy attack during it, as this was something that always bothered him, especially tonight. They have never performed around so many people. The max so far had been hundred something, but tonight there were almost five hundred people, which was five times more than usual. And third – (Y/N) was there. She was their all dolled up, watching him perform. Ace wondered if she liked the performance. He glanced at her a few times while he was singing, and he saw her having fun singing along with the rest of the group. Last time he saw her was like a month ago or so, he wasn’t sure. He thought that it was going to be enough time to get rid of the effect she had on him, but he was wrong. Not like she ever escaped his mind during that time. Especially after she called him crying yesterday, and the urge that took over him to do something to make her feel better. The thought of her being in distress about something let alone crying was making him feel so uncomfortable and bothered. He hated that feeling. He never felt like that toward anyone, any girl before, and he couldn’t explain to himself why he was feeling this way towards her.

Three cigarettes later, Ace took a deep breath and went back inside. He quickly made his way towards the section Luffy and the rest of his bandmates were now. Everyone cheered when they saw him and Luffy went to high five his brother.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me about the album?” He yelled at him and Sabo.

“We wanted to be surprised for everyone.” Sabo explained. Koala was wrapped in his arms, and he pulled her even closer to him. Ace snorted and looked around. Everyone was there except (Y/N).

“Yo, Luffy.” Ace grabbed Luffy by the shoulder pulling him closer to whisper in his ear. “Where is (Y/N)?” Luffy smirked as he heard his brother asking for her. He might have been dumb, but Luffy wasn’t blind. These two might deny anything but something was obviously happening between them. He was about to joke with Ace when he realised he hasn’t seen her in a while.

“Nami.” Luffy yelled grabbing Nami’s attention. She came closer to them with a questioning look. “Have you seen (Y/N)?” Luffy asked her as he thought she might know where (Y/N) went. Nami’s eyes widen as she looked at her phone, noticing that it has been at least thirty minutes since you have gone to the bathroom.

“She said she was going to the toilet, but it has been at least half an hour.” Nami said and looked a little concerned at Ace and Luffy. “I will go and look for her.” She tried to pass between them two, but Ace stopped her.

“You are drunk. Stay here, I will go look for her.” Ace sighed. “Also don’t you girls go together to the toilets?” He chuckled at Nami before turning away.

“Ace.” Luffy called after him. “Should I come with you?” The place was big it would be easier if they both searcher for her, but Ace waved his hand dismissively, knowing that it wouldn’t take him long to find you.

He went to look straight to the toilets, maybe there was a long queue. Of course, he couldn’t get in the ladies’ bathroom, but he stopped some girls that were going out of it, asking if they saw her by describing how she looked. None of them have seen anyone described as you inside so he just thanked them and left the bathroom’s hall. He doubted that you would be on the dancefloor, especially alone. Ace made his way to the bar, observing everywhere and everyone carefully to see if he could spot you. His height was in advantage to him but still no luck. He sighed annoyed but also concern started to build up in him. What if something happened to you? You wouldn’t left without telling anyone. He stayed on one spot for a second with his hands place on his hips as he was slowly looking around. His eyes glanced at the entrance/exit hall when for a brief second just before disappearing behind the wall there, something silver and sparkling caught his eye. Ace decided to follow his gut and quickly started to walk towards the hall. He had to push his way a little harder around people as his instinct was telling him that something was not oaky.

When he finally made his way outside it took him a second to spot her and for his blood to started boiling. She was almost a street away, but he could recognise her even if she was standing miles away. His hands tightened into fists and jaw clenched when he saw some guy dragging her with him with his filthy hands roaming all over her body. Ace waisted no more seconds and ran towards her and the man catching up with them in no time.

“If I were you, I would let her go.” His voice was as sharp as knife. Now that he was this close to them, taking look at (Y/N)’s almost numb body and seeing the disorientation in her eyes which she was barley keeping open, he was ready to kill the guy on the spot.

“Fuck off, man. She is little tipsy that is all.” The guy spat at Ace.

The things that unfollowed after were so fast, if someone was looking and if they blinked, they could have missed what happened. The moment these words left the guy’s mouth Ace stopped thinking, he just started to punch. The guy didn’t even have the time to react when Ace landed his first punch on his face, breaking his jaw and making the guy let her go as he couldn’t bare the ache he felt. But Ace didn’t stop there as he landed another punch on the guy’s face. Bringing him on the ground as he stared to lend punch after punch.

 He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt such rage, he wasn’t just seeing red, Ace wasn’t seeing at all. This had only happened once before, and it was when Luffy came all beaten up and stabbed under his eyes after school one day when he was twelve. Both, Ace and Sabo found the guy who did that to their little brother and gave him a good lesson. If it wasn’t for Sabo to pull Ace back that time, he was probably going to kill the guy. Instead, he left him almost disabled, for which Ace was sued to pay him indemnification for ten years in a roll. But this time Sabo wasn’t there, no one was. The guy’s face was deformed at this point until he heard (Y/N)’s voice. He stopped immediately and looked at her. She was shaking uncontrollably, and her eyes were barely open. Ace jumped on his feet as fast as he could just on time to catch her before she hit the ground.

“No, no, no, doll.” He gently tapped her cheek, trying to wake her up. His knuckles were covered in blood. Kneeling with her on the ground while holding her body, Ace pulled out his phone and dialled emergency. The moment they picked up he explained the situation and gave the address. The ambulance was supposed to come any minute now. Ace could hear someone running behind him. He turned to look over his shoulder and saw Luffy and Zoro running towards him with the security as well.

“A-Ace...” Luffy’s eyes widen at the sight in front of him. “What happened?” Everyone was stunned. No one knew what to say or do at the scene in front of them. Even Luffy and Zoro who had many street fights behind their backs had never saw such brutal view. One of the club’s guards even threw up when he looked at the guy’s face who was laying on the ground coughing blood.

“This piece of shit drugged her.” Ace spat still furious. “This is what happened.” He looked at his brother in the eyes.

“We need to call the police and you sir will be in trouble.” Said the other security as he pulled up his phone, but it was snatched quickly from his hand and crushed on the ground by Zoro.

“You take your weak friend, and you walk off, before you follow this guy’s fate, okay?” Zoro’s voice was deep, his eyes were filled with warning for the guards to just walk off and let them deal with the situation. “You better go and keep the wandering eyes away.” He nodded with his head towards the direction of the club where people started to gather with wondering eyes. The security decided to listen to Zoro and quickly went back to the club. The ambulance siren could be heard coming from around the corner.

“Luffy.” Ace said as he got up on his feet with (Y/N) in his arms. “Call Shanks.”

**********

Shanks came out of the hospital room and looked at Ace with stern eyes. He drew in a deep breath before he sighed.

“Thank you, Ace.” He said as he patted Ace on the shoulder.

“How is she?” Ace asked, his voice low. He looked at the window from which he could see (Y/N) laying on the hospital bed.

“She will be okay once they clean her blood. Do you know how it happened?” Shanks glanced at Ace as he was rubbing his temples.

“No, no one knows. I just went looking for her, as the last thing she said to someone was to Nami that she was going to the toilet.” Ace said not moving his eyes from (Y/N). It pained him seeing her in such state. And he was mad at his brother’s friends. How could neither of the girls go with her? Why did she go alone in a first place? How she even ended up drugged by this guy? Didn’t she know to not accept drinks from strangers? Ace was mad at her as well. Because if he didn’t catch the glimpse of her sparkling skirt in that second before she left the club, he didn’t want to think of the things that could of happen to her. His fist clenched, he should have killed that man right there on the spot. Instead, he was still breathing somewhere, and the broken jaw and nose wasn’t enough for a payback.

“Ace.” Shanks called out his name, taking him out of his thoughts. “You can go home. I’m here so she is safe.” Ace side-eyed Shanks not moving from his spot. “And don’t worry no case will be open or anyone would find out that you beat this piece of shit up. I have taken care of it.” This was the last thing Ace was worried about right now.

“Still into the shady business, Shanks?” Ace snorted turning his head to look at Shanks.

“You are not the one to speak.” Shanks bit back.

“I’ve been clean for the past two years now.” Ace’s voice was filled with mockery.

“Ha, you have always been ballsy Ace, but don’t push your luck.” Shanks came closer to Ace. Their height being the same, they looked at the other with too much ego and pride. “Look, Ace. You are not a bad kid, and you know I like you and I would cover for you no matter what...” Shanks took a step back as he didn’t want to fight with Ace as he meant it when he said that he liked Ace as a person. He knew the kid for a long time, and he had a lot of good qualities. “But she is my niece, and you are a player. Whatever is going between you two you better cut it before you get her heartbroken.”

“Nothing is happening, Shanks.” Ace responded as he crossed his arms over his chest. “And I’m not leaving until she wakes up.” This was the last thing Ace said to Shanks as he turned to face the window again. He was tired but he wasn’t going to leave until (Y/N) opened her pretty eyes.

“You are as stubborn as he was...” Shanks knew how these words would affect Ace. He saw the way his jaw clenched, and his muscles flexed under his shirt, but Ace didn’t say anything. Instead, he ignored him, pretending like he heard nothing. Pretending like he didn’t know who Shanks was comparing him to.

END NOTE: I hope you guys liked the chapter and if you did feel free to leave your comments about how it made you feel as I was a little afraid how this chapter might unfold and if this type of stuffs are okay with you to read. I promise there will be no more such 'drugged' scenario, but I can guarantee you that everything that I write has logic behind it for the upcoming events in the story. I also thought it was time for Reader to realise her feelings for Ace, and the whole cake part came up so unexpectedly in my mind I really hope you enjoyed it <33 Like, comment or reblog if you liked it, and as always A BIG THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO READ IT <333

writing, format & dividers © eand47 fanart @a_phu14 on IG ©eand47, do not copy or plagiarise my work.

[gallifreyinstituteforlearning]

🔬Some of the weirdest pieces of Gallifreyan biology we've not thought much about

GIL's already discussed quite a lot of odd Gallifreyan biology, but let's dive into some truly strange and unsettling aspects of their physiology—things that might make you rethink your cheerful view of Gallifreyans.

🧠 Memory RNA: The Ghosts in Their Cells

Gallifreyan metabolism is capable of interpreting human Memory RNA*, converting it into the Gallifreyan equivalent. This means that, with enough exposure, they could literally absorb and process human memories.

But here's the creepiest part: a Gallifreyan could theoretically consume a human's body tissue to absorb those memories, devouring their thoughts, emotions, and experiences. Human lives wouldn't just end—they'd be consumed, trapped forever in the psyche of their memory-munching Gallifreyan host.

*Memory RNA is a controversial concept in real-world biology, but a common sci-fi trope

👁️ Eye Removal: Eternal Blindness

Gallifreyans can easily regenerate damaged organs like eyes, right? Wrong. Physical removal of their eyes is one of the most traumatic injuries a Gallifreyan can suffer, and recovering from this is very difficult. If their eyes are removed and destroyed, they likely won't grow back—not even through regeneration.

In fact, if a Gallifreyan regenerates without eyes, they can stay blind in their new form, relying solely on their psychic and somatosensory abilities to function. Without sight, they're cut off from much of Gallifreyan technology. If you really want to hurt a Time Lord, total eye removal is one of the most sadistic ways to do it.

🧠 Conditioning the Unconditionable: The Lateral Interpositus Nucleus

You'd think Time Lords, with their advanced brains, would be immune to psychological conditioning. Think again. They possess a Lateral Interpositus Nucleus, the same brain structure responsible for classical conditioning like in Pavlov's dog experiment.

The twist here is that in Gallifreyans, this nucleus is highly associated with memory implantation. So, a Gallifreyan could be conditioned quite easily—and not just mildly, but to a puppet-like state—through forced memory implants, which they'll have no idea about.

🧟‍♂️ Regenerating Into Monsters: The Horror of Chain Regenerations

Regeneration might seem like a gift, but it can also be very disturbing. You'll already know that regenerations are pretty unpredictable, but this can get much worse.

If a Gallifreyan regenerates in an alien environment, their body will try to adapt—there are horror stories on Gallifrey of Time Lords trapped in chain regenerations, becoming monstrous, unrecognisable creatures with each new form.

Probably the most horrific permanent death for a Gallifreyan is dying in deep space. Once regeneration is triggered, the body burns through all remaining regenerations in a futile attempt to survive—becoming an increasingly mutated, twisted version of themselves—until they, thankfully, permanently die.

Gallifreyan Biology for Tuesday by GIL

Any purple text is educated guesswork or theoretical. More content ... →📫Got a question? | 📚Complete list of Q+A and factoids →😆Jokes |🩻Biology |🗨️Language |🕰️Throwbacks |🤓Facts →🫀Gallifreyan Anatomy and Physiology Guide (pending) →⚕️Gallifreyan Emergency Medicine Guides →📝Source list (WIP) →📜Masterpost If you're finding your happy place in this part of the internet, feel free to buy a coffee to help keep our exhausted human conscious. She works full-time in medicine and is so very tired😴

[lilybecca1]

My analysis on Midoriya and why I think he has undiagnosed BPD

Throughout Izuku's childhood, he was always seen as weird, off-putting, an outsider to social norms. Being left out, being seen as "different" is very common amongst people, especially kids, with undiagnosed disorders. So let's jump straight into it. What is BPD and how does it develop? (Contains manga spoilers)

Here are a few summaries amongst many that I have found (also, I'm not a psychologist or a healthcare professional, these are all just based on my own observations):

BPD, short for Borderline Personality Disorder, is a severe mental health condition characterized by a pervasive and challenging pattern of symptoms including emotional dysregulation, unstable self-identity, fear of abandonment, intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, impulsivity, and self-harming behaviors.

People with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience extreme emotions. Once a powerful emotion is triggered, it is very hard for them to calm down. Because of this, they often have unstable relationships. They also engage in self-destructive behavior.

Researchers think that BPD is caused by a combination of factors, including:

Stressful or traumatic life events (for example, emotional abuse, neglect, often having felt afraid, upset, unsupported or invalidated),

And genetic factors.

Symptoms may include:

A strong fear of abandonment. This includes going to extreme measures so you're not separated or rejected, even if these fears are made up.

A pattern of unstable, intense relationships, such as believing someone is perfect one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel.

Quick changes in how you see yourself. This includes shifting goals and values, as well as seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist.

Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality.

Self-injury

Wide mood swings that last from a few hours to a few days. These mood swings can include periods of being very happy, irritable or anxious, or feeling shame.

Ongoing feelings of emptiness.

Inappropriate, strong anger, such as losing your temper often, being sarcastic or bitter, or physically fighting.

Now, let's get into it.

BPD, like all disorders, isn't the same for every person. Symptoms and the intensity of these symptoms can vary. It can make some people's life and relationships really difficult, but others can go on for years undiagnosed living a completely happy life without even knowing there's anything wrong. Midoriya's case, in my opinion, is the latter. These symptoms don't surface that obviously in him, but I believe, in different circumstances (queue those Villain Deku and traumatized Deku fics) these symptoms and behaviours could actually turn into much bigger problems and affect his life in a much more impactful way. But, in any case, let's analyze these symptoms and how they may have surfaced in him throughout the manga.

Of course, I decided to turn to TikTok as well and watch some actual explanations and experiences from people who actually have been diagnosed with this disorder in order to understand BPD on a more subjective level, not just objective. And what I have found turned out to be very interesting.

People with BPD often develop a very emotionally attached connection with one specific person in their life, which is their "Favorite person". This person can be anything including a friend, family, therapist, partner, etc. This is a person that someone with BPD can become dependent on. They often view them as a person who's perfect and can do nothing wrong. They might overshare, and expect availability from that person at all times. The dependence on this person goes beyond just adoration, because they are idolizing them to the point where it's all consuming. A person with BPD can switch from absolute adoration one moment to absolute hate the next. They might have trouble with boundaries, sometimes even having zero boundaries when it comes to that person. Their life constantly revolves around that person and the favorite person's identity becomes their own, and they can feel literal physical pain when losing that person. You see where I'm getting at?

I believe Midoriya has developed this dependency and attachment towards one particular person, can you guess who?

Yep, Bakugo Katsuki

Midoriya views Kacchan as perfect, as the embodiment of the image of victory. It's like he blindly ignores Katsuki's bad traits and the things he has done to him, and he idealizes him to the point that Katsuki became his symbol of victory. So much so that he himself has absorbed this identity that he built around Katsuki, for example during battles, which we see during the moments he clearly imitates Bakugo and mirrors him. Izuku "ILoveKacchan'sPersonalSpace" Midoriya basically has zero boundaries when it comes to Katsuki, I mean y'all let's not forget he basically stalked him and even knows what body part Katsuki washes first in the shower. Not to mention he gives zero fucks about boundaries when he butts into Bakugo's emotions even though Bakugo has clearly tried setting boundaries for almost their whole time knowing each other. Deku has also overshared with Katsuki(and only Katsuki), when he told him about OFA even though it was literally meant to be the one secret that he should have kept to himself. His life has always revolved around Bakugo to the point he cannot keep himself away from him.

And talk about experiencing physical pain when losing the favorite person...remember when Bakugo was kidnapped? Yeah, remember that kinda cringe and second hand embarrassing, absolutely animalistic scream that Midoriya let out? Yeah, well..... And then when he actually lost Katsuki, when he saw his dead body. Izuku lost control of his quirks in the middle of a freaking battle, LITERALLY started choking on Blackwhip and screaming in pain, and Blackwhip turned into a heart pierced by three swords that symbolizes intense and extreme physical and emotional pain. Need I say more? No.

And if you think Midoriya isn't capable of extreme hate too, ahhahaha, you're wrong. He can fr switch from absolutely adoring his Kacchan to planning how he's gonna rip off his legs in his diary. Yeah, I haven't forgotten about that one, Izuku.

So, it's very clear that Bakugo is Midoriya's FP and that he has developed this unhealthy, borderline toxic dependency towards him. But let's break down his character even further.

People with BPD tend to engage in self-harming and dangerous activities impulsively, diving in without thinking, in order to feel something. Well, we can tick that one too. Problem child number 1 is known to do and jump into things impulsively without thinking, even if it causes self-injury. In fact, he sometimes engages these self-destructive behaviours on purpose, like all those times when he broke his own bones over and over again. All this just so he can make Todoroki use his right side. Seriously, Deku. Yes, they are training to be heroes, but noone in the class is as reckless and impulsive as Izuku.

Which actually brings me to my next point, which is people with BPD objectifying themselves for validation, going insane lengths just to prove their own self-worth, never having a clear sense of self and seeing themselves as bad or as if they don't exist. I have talked about this in a previous theory of mine too, which you can read here. Midoriya Izuku does not have a clear sense of self. He mirrors others around him, behaving according to the mood and expectations of others. He has no sense of self, because he has built his identity around wanting to be a hero. To him, he is only worth something if he reaches that goal, that dream. Meaning he has no self worth or identity unless he does as he is expected to do, aka be a hero and put everyone else before himself, sacrificing his own needs, and in worse cases his own well-being. He basically objectifies his own self and turns himself into a simple puppet, a Deku, an empty vessel that can hold OFA and his dream of being a hero. To himself, he is nothing more than an object that's meant to be sacrificed if it's needed.

Now, let's continue with: emotional dysregulation, extreme mood swings, and inappropriate, strong anger, such as losing your temper often, being sarcastic or bitter, or physically fighting.

Well, first let's talk about something that's called "splitting". BPD is a disorder that causes extreme mood swings, making the person go one second from feeling happy and fine, to the next second feeling complete, pure rage. There is a fine line between these two moods, and it's very easy to fall over the edge. For some people, it can happen multiple times a day and could last from minutes to hours to even days, and for others, it can happen very rarely, it depends on how severe the symptoms are for each person. One thing in common though, is that splitting occurs when a specific memory, trauma or emotion gets triggered.

There are different types of splits, one of them being Rage split. Rage splits usually come with sudden outbursts of anger that seemingly come out of nowhere. When it occurs, the person might feel a tightness in their chest, their vision might narrow. They might experience a burning sensation in their chest as if their heart is trying to escape. This overwhelming emotion of anger can cause them to become infuriated with someone or something for no apparent reason. These episodes can cause impulsive actions, inappropriate speech and violent behaviour. It's almost like a cathartic release of emotion, and oftentimes the person doesn't remember the event fully, or only remembers it as a blur.

Now let's compare Midoriya's rage and outbursts and how they could be considered as splitting.

Scenario One: Izuku screaming his ass off saying GIVE ME MY KACCHAN BACK, charging at the obviously overpowered villains with two broken arms. Now, we can all agree that this was pretty out of character for him, and everyone was like Okay wtf. So the threat of losing Katsuki(which also directly correlates to his fear of abandonment) triggered him and made him impulsively and recklessly run towards the villains, even though he was completely defenseless.

Scenario Two: "Monoma, you b*tch". Midoriya literally unlocking a NEW QUIRK cause Monoma was talking shit about his FP, causing violent behaviour from him, getting tunnel vision, being completely OUT of it to the point they had to use Shinso's quirk to make him snap out of the episode. And now, this wasn't just about some rando insulting Bakugo. In my theory I explained how Monoma insulting Bakugo was essentially Monoma insulting Izuku's own values and identity. Because he has absorbed Bakugo's ideals, his values, his desire to win. Monoma talking shit about him felt like he just insulted who Izuku was as a person, as if he jabbed at the very essence of Izuku's dream, of his ideals. THAT was why it triggered him so bad.

Scenario Three: Midoriya vs Shigaraki 1. FP got stabbed, Midoriya immediately saw red and ran straight into the villain's hand without thinking about the consequences. He almost rage quit y'all. He raged so hard he bit the goddamn tendril like a freaking dog. He disassociated so hard he got tunnel vision and his eyes actually lit ablaze. Bruh.

Scenario There'stoomuchtokeepcount: Midoriya vs Shigaraki 2. Aka Deku AFK-ing in the middle of a freaking war and being like I'm out, y'all on your own now, after seeing FP's dead body. Tightness in his chest, unable to breathe, vision narrowed, in fact, completely blocked because of Smokescreen. A burning sensation in his chest as if his heart wanted to escape = Three of Swords. A cathartic release of emotion as his quirks released and gotten out of control. His biggest rage split moment right there.

But, rage isn't the only type of splitting that can occur. Another type is Isolation split.

Isolation splits usually stem from a deep-seated fear of abandonment. You may find yourself feeling unwelcome and unwanted, even in familiar environments such as school. You might have an urge to push people away, and often cut yourself off from others. For some, this means aggressively cutting people out of their lives for no apparent reason, for others, it might be a more subtle withdrawal from social groups and conversations. All the while hoping that someone will notice and ask them how they are doing. It might also include suppressing anger into anxiety, guilt, or self-hatred, identity dysmorphia, self-sabotaging relationships to be in control, stress-related paranoia, loss of contact with reality, and on-going feelings of emptiness.

Reminds me of a certain Vigilante Arc.

Isolation splits usually stem from fear of abandonment. In Izuku's case, why did he leave UA? Well, on the surface level, it was to protect his classmates from harm. But on a deeper level..

During his Vigilante Arc, he felt like he had to carry the burden of OFA all by himself. He felt like this responsibility that he carried made him a burden for others, including Katsuki, his friends, his family, and All Might. He feared that they would also realize this and feel like he's a burden, so he pushed them away, cut himself off, and left before they could leave him behind. Of course, this is not the truth, but this is what he believed. His feelings of anxiety towards the possibility of losing them in the war, his guilt of being a burden, his self-sabotaging is what made him believe that he is unwanted, unwelcome. During splits, the person views everything as either black or white, no in-between. Either all good, or all bad. He wanted to feel in control by leaving them behind for "their sake", almost maniacally insistent on being alone, like in the scene where All Might wanted to check on him and give him some food, but Deku ultimately ended up pushing him away and leaving him on the ground too.

During these episodes, people with BPD cannot logically think the situation through, they don't understand that their intense paranoia and belief that everyone hates them is just the reflection of their own feelings. During this episode, this Vigilante Arc(the episode didn't last for the entire arc, but there were probably higher and lower moments instead) he lost contact with reality and lived in a state of constant paranoia and a feeling of emptiness. He believed it was for the "better", but deep inside, that child inside of him just wanted someone to save him, to pull him back and not let go. Deep down he was just a child who just wanted some reassurance and to be validated. Like in his letter to Katsuki. Although we didn't see the whole letter, there were snippets of "Help me", and "thanks for everything" in it, reflecting Izuku's own feelings of "Please love me" and how even though he said he wanted to be alone, deep down he just wanted Katsuki to save him, to be there by his side.

Lastly, another symptom of BPD that can occur, albeit rarely, is the idolization, devaluation and ghosting of certain people, specifically the Favorite Person. This might just, technically, explain the ending of the manga and Chapter 431. Midoriya subconsciously idolized Katsuki his whole life seeing him as perfect. But as we all know, nobody is perfect. Midoriya had always viewed Kacchan as his image of victory, as someone who cannot lose. Yet, he has. The very person who he believed could never ever lose died on the battlefield. The person who believed was the strongest broke down crying in front of him saying he wants to be on his heels for the rest of his life. And what was Izuku's reaction?

Stop crying, this isn't like you.

Midoriya progressively went through the devaluation of Bakugo Katsuki's character, of his Favorite Person. Now, this is just a theory, because devaluation doesn't necessarily mean anything bad. It just means that he had stopped blindly idolizing Katsuki and realized that he is just a human too.

But in some cases of BPD, devaluation also comes with losing interest. Of finding a new favorite person who they see as their new "idol". Or to put it simply, Uraraka. Now, I don't want to go into more details because I am still very much hurt from Chapter 431, but we have seen an obvious ignorance, almost ghosting from Izuku's side towards Katsuki, something that is completely the opposite of how he would have acted before the war. Instead, he is looking at Ochaco as if she was his hero, and he sees her as a person that he wants to get to know more, to get closer to. Leaving Bakugo behind.

I spy an untreated BPD right there. But how could this disorder have developed in Midoriya? Well, it can be due to either genetics, or a series of traumatic events during childhood, for example emotional abuse, neglect, and going through feelings like being afraid, upset, unsupported or unvalidated.

Well emotional abuse came from the bullying. Neglect came from his father leaving. Being afraid was also because of the bullying and Bakugo. He felt unsupported by his own mother when it came to his dream of becoming a hero after being diagnosed quirkless. And he felt unvalidated his whole life simply because he didn't have a quirk. So yeah. I'm pretty sure these were all reasons that he has developed BPD, although not a severe case. If he actually turned into a villain and never got into UA, I imagine these symptoms could have worsened, making him extremely irritable, prone to snapping and having emotional outbursts and having an even more toxic codependency in his relationships.

I'm not saying that BPD is anything bad, I also have a friend who has BPD and it doesn't make you a bad person, people with BPD just simply experience emotions more intensely than others.

So yeah, I hope you guys enjoyed this analysis, and of course, let me know what you guys think!

[undertheopensky]

Forging Tired

Whumptober Day 26: Working To Exhaustion

Characters: Four, Blue, Sky

Trigger warnings: None

Read on Ao3!

---

Sky doesn’t realise it until after dinner, but Four hasn’t banked the forge fires.

“I’m not done yet,” Four waves at the admittedly intimidating pile of repair work yet to be done. A couple of plates from Time’s armour probably need to be replaced entirely, they have such large holes in them.

“It’s getting real late. Don’t stay up too much longer, you need to get some sleep.”

“Nah, I’m fine. Body’s not tired.” Four flexes one arm and gives him a grin that looks so much like Wind Sky’s eyes cross.

“Maybe not,” they sure hadn’t done much physical stuff today, just run around the village resupplying and gathering information, “but your brain still needs rest.”

This time Four snorts. “The brain is fast asleep, but that’s okay, we don’t need it for this.”

No one asks any more why Four sometimes refers to himself in the third person or plural. At best, he’ll pretend you didn’t say anything, and at worst, he’ll look at you like you’re the strange one. The closest they’ve gotten to an explanation is an offhanded, sympathetic “Yeah, we get it,” when Time first told them to stop asking about his timekeeping, because it was a holdover from a quest too traumatic to describe.

So, slightly weird, probably a Quest Thing, doesn’t seem to affect him day-to-day.

That said Sky’s a little concerned about him working with hot metal with his brain asleep.

“Are you sure? We can wait another day or two before setting out, I’m sure Time won’t mind. We don’t want you exhausting yourself over this.”

Four makes a rude noise, which is out of character enough Sky blinks. “I think I know my limits well enough, featherhead. Besides, forging’s not that hard. I wanna take advantage of actually having all my damn equipment for once, and goddess knows we probably won’t be here long. Our shit needs a lot of maintenance done. Don’t worry about the noise. The forge’s been soundproofed since we were little. Go away and sleep, featherhead, you need it more than us.”

He shoos Sky from the forge, polite but implacably firm.

Sky can’t exactly argue. Four is the smith here, and he knows himself best. If he says it’s fine, Sky will just have to believe him.

And as promised, as soon as the heavy door swings closed, the sounds of the forge muffle to almost nothing.

---

With Sky finally gone, Blue feels the tension ease out of him. Finally, some peace and quiet. He loves his brothers, and he supposes the heroes they’re travelling with aren’t TOO bad, but sometimes he just needs time alone in the quiet with his own thoughts and his own projects. There’s not a lot of privacy on the open road, or in a head crammed full of four distinct people.

Vio struggles with it, too, Blue knows, as he sets up the next few pieces of metal to heat and shovels fresh coke into the fire. But unlike Blue, the nerd is soothed by late nights spent reading or taking the darkest hours of watch, where Blue needs to do things to calm the itch in his brain. Armour and weapons maintenance is great for that - but it’s not always quiet. And waking everyone up with his activities would very much defeat the point.

Then, once he’s got things set up, Blue sits down at the bench with pliers and wire.

The worst thing about Sky’s mail is that the links are an eighth of an inch larger than standard - than literally everyone else’s. Blue had had to make a winding rod specifically for his damn mail, and has to double check every time before starting repairs to make sure he’s pulling from the right patch of spares.

If he had more time, he’d just make him a mail shirt from normal links. Standardise them across the board, and improve Sky’s resistance to piercing claws. But he doesn’t - they don’t - and besides that when this is all over Sky will be going back to his home in the clouds with its stupid mail measurements and its barely-there monster attacks and he’ll have no use for the close-set rings of modern mail and they’ll never see him again -

The forge fires burn hot enough that Blue can pretend it’s the air making his eyes sting.

Mending mail is busywork, stuff to keep his hands occupied while he waits for things to heat. It needs doing, and if he does it here then he can rivet the rings shut properly instead of the temporary road fixes (shit he needs to check Twilight’s mail he knows he put in a patch at one point but doesn’t remember riveting it in, need to do that before they leave) but some things can only be done at the forge. Like the plates of steel he’s got resting to the side, waiting to be turned into a new piece of Time’s armour.

He should probably get started on that actually so Blue puts aside the mail and reaches for his tongs. A lot of this is just shaping, forming the metal to the exact dimensions and curvature of Time’s body, and then adding buckle straps and point anchors so it can actually be attached. This is the loud part, metal-on-metal ringing and echoing in the enclosed stone room and making his vision swim just a little. He has to pause to blink it away. Does his head actually hurt, or is it just more echoes from the hammer?

Doesn’t matter; he’s got work to do. Blue checks the first piece for fit and moves on to the second; best to get this heavy work done before he gets tired. Working the steel cold takes more effort, but makes it less brittle in the end. Kind of important, that the metal sheets guarding someone’s body don’t shatter under a stiff blow, turning them from a defense into a hazard. You can get away with working horseshoes and stuff like metal fittings hot and then quenching them down, but it’s not worth it with plate armour.

Once he’s got the base curve in place, he checks the lines he drew earlier before his vision started to wobble, then hunts down the blunted chisel he needs. This is the fiddly bit. Blue sets the metal down on the wooden block with the groove specifically for this task, lining it up with the drawn lines, and starts hammering out the ridges.

It’s time-consuming, but the raised metal redirects weapons to less vulnerable points. Blue’s seen a sword swing into an arm then slide off into empty air, instead of an armpit or elbow, because of these ridges. They’re useful.

Time didn’t have any, originally. And while he can’t say for sure - Blue suspects that if he’d had them on his armour that first time a moblin got the jump on him, its spear wouldn’t have slid past the plates into his side quite so easily.

Four’s been quietly upgrading it piece by piece ever since.

The vambrace is harder, more of a curve to force the steel into, but he’s long practised at getting stubborn materials to cooperate. Once it’s done, and added to the pile he’s making of Time’s shit, he pulls the pattern steel Red had spent all day folding and forge welding from the fire. Already the basic shape of it is there: the tapered tip, the length of the blade, the narrow throat and tang. Once it’s finished, it’ll be a dagger for Hyrule. His current one has been sharpened so many times it’s thin enough to use as a lockpick, and they want him to have something good-quality to replace it, something that will last him.

(Will last him beyond this time of portals and black blood, because getting new equipment in his time is so, so difficult and they never want him to go without ever again, and one knife isn’t much in the grand scheme of things but it’s something they can do, and they’ll do their goddess-damn best work on it for him.)

It still needs some more shaping before it’s ready to go under the whetstone, though, so Blue tucks it back in the fire and picks up Wind’s knife, the one with the loose hilt. How the sailor expects to get anything done when he has to hold his entire hand at right angles to keep the thing straight Blue doesn’t know. Apparently he’d been stuffing it with fabric scraps to stabilise it, which, great, now Blue has to dig them all out before he can decide if the hilt is at all salvageable.

It doesn’t help that his fingers are a little shaky. Shit. Maybe he needs a water break.

He sets the dubiously-fixable knife aside while he drinks. He doesn’t feel thirsty. Dry-eyed, maybe, and his throat aches from the forge air, but the water doesn’t really help. Still, hydration’s important.

A sudden clank makes Blue drop his cup, water scattering on the floor as he spins. The fire flares - oh. A coal had - split, or settled, and the still-dull blade of Hyrule’s dagger had shifted and struck the edge. It looks about ready to go again anyway, so Blue grabs it - with tongs! He’s not an idiot! - and starts hammering an edge into it.

As the blade flattens out and becomes more knife than bar of metal Blue takes care to bevel off both edges neatly. He flips it, to make sure he gets both sides, then flips it again to even it out. He wants the balance on this thing perfect, and if it takes a bit of fiddling, all the better. That way he knows it’s good. Blue holds it up, eyeing the straightness of the blade from the side, and then down the length of it, and nods to himself, moving to set it. Good. He’ll let it cool a little before heating it again, and -

Blue stumbles. The blade clangs down on the bench he’d meant to set it on gently, spinning away from the tongs and fortunately not hitting any part of him with the still red-hot metal. Fuck, he’d forgotten to pick up his cup. It’s a good thing it’s so hot in here that all the water evaporated off or he might have slipped. Fuck.

He checks the blade - fuck, he dinged it - puts it back in the fire, then picks up his cup to set it back beside the water barrel. The metal handle is painfully hot under his fingers. Although - he could do with more water. His eyes are stinging again.

Blue drinks, long and slow. The water tastes metallic, or maybe that’s just the forge air coating his tongue. It settles uneasily. Doesn’t matter - his stomach will get over it.

He fixes the dent made when he dropped the half-made dagger, hammering until metal fills the gap and then hammering it out even again to repair the edge. He also spends more time carefully squinting at it to make sure it’s still straight, so long that the metal goes dark and cold.

Then back in the fire it goes.

Blue gets back to mail repairs, working rings into place, then riveting them shut with scraps from broken links. He considers, as he works, if the long-handled riveting pliers could be made to fit into their tool pouch. They can’t bring along the whole forge, that would be silly, but this one thing? They already carry the cutting pliers to make links with so it’s not like they need anything else for the rivets, and it doesn’t need heat treatment -

He pinches a fingertip with the pliers and swears loudly, shaking it and resisting the urge to shove it in his mouth - his hands are covered in oil and coal dust. Squinting at it - no real damage - he shakes it one more time and picks up the mail patch he dropped. It stings a little, to apply enough pressure to hold the metal fabric. Actually -

Checking the dagger, he pulls it from the fire and rests it on the anvil to cool. This is always time consuming, heating and cooling the steel to normalise it before the final edge can be put on. Heat it, then cool it, then heat it again; all part of ensuring the blade isn’t brittle and will hold its shape and its edge for as long as possible. It’s familiar in a way so ingrained he can almost touch it, watching the metal change colour. Fading from yellow, through red, down to the still blisteringly-hot but normal appearance of steel.

Blue blinks, and finds himself sitting on his preferred stool, metal still cooling in his tongs. Shit. When did he sit down? He’s wasting time, here. Back in the fire, back to work, fingertip still throbbing faintly.

Half the plates on Time’s tassets got ripped off during the fight with the iron knuckle, which are fiddly and annoying but not hard to replace. Once he’s got them shaped and punched Blue is tempted to just hand the lot off to Time for the old man to stitch them in place. Teach him to get distracted watching Twilight’s sword form. Shit, there’s so many of them, too. Time’s lucky his leg was in few enough pieces that Hyrule and Warriors could put it back together.

Blue hammers out scale after scale. Get the curve right; adjust the tongs, hammer out the part they’d hidden; set the edge, set the ridge, set it aside, and grab the next one. He piles them up on the metal workbench; they’d be less annoying to work with if he could just pile them in a coal shovel and dunk them in the fire to soften them, but even if they’re small they’re still armour and he needs to keep them as supple as possible.

And speaking of it’s time to pull the dagger again. The tongs grab it, fumble it, dump it back in the coals, then grab it agin. Blue is very careful as he sets it on the bench. He has no desire to set his own boots alight. This is the last cooling phase, though, so he can let the forge fire die down. Finally. His eyes itch and ache in the hot, dry air. He’d rub them if he wasn’t - still - covered in forge leavings.

Punch the holes for Time’s tasset scales; set them in his pile to deal with in the morning. Finally get the hilt off Wind’s knife and decide it is salvageable, actually, if he glues in a wedge of cedar to fill in the split that was letting it get loose in the first place. How did Wind even do that? Rewrap it in leather strips and it’ll be done; another job for the morning. When his hands aren’t so shaky. He’s getting glue everywhere, ugh.

…does he need to pull the dagger again? No, wait, it’s already on the bench. Does it need to go back in the fire? …no, he already decided it was done. He reaches to grab it, half-intending to measure it up for the hilt and crossguard, but hesitates at the heat radiating off it. Right. Fresh from the forge. Doesn’t look hot, but definitely is. He’ll leave it for an hour or so.

Blue shakes himself, hard, feeling the pull of it in his neck and his forehead. His head aches, behind his eyes. There’s a fine grey fuzz at the edges of his vision. Right, with the forge fire dying, he needs a bit more light. Where’s Vio’s lantern…?

By the too-pale magical light, Blue works, and works, until there’s nothing left to do but wind more wire into chainmail rings and weave them into the cuts and gashes left by enemy claws and weapons, tamp down rivets and move to the next section until he needs to wind out more rings -

It’s endless and monotonous and he can feel the screaming under his skin finally starting to cool, as the fire burns itself out.

Something they do need, he thinks as he pulls out the temporary patch he’d put in Twilight’s mail tunic, is a store of fully-finished rings. Hammering out their linking points and punching rivet holes is best done on an anvil. Then, as long as they have a stock of scrap wire for rivets (inevitable, they’re constantly damaging mail), the cutters and the riveting pliers, they can do repairs that are just as strong as the original work itself. Once they run out of wire, well, that’s more of an issue. The drawing plate is much too heavy to bring along with them.

Blue seals up the last ring in Twilight’s mail and sets it aside, then hops off the stool to go in search of the metal rods he needs to make wire. He knows they left a whole stack of them somewhere.

In truth, most forging doesn’t require a lot of raw strength. The weight of the hammer and the drag of gravity does a lot of the work, and all you need to do is direct it. Blue’s got more muscle from wielding a warhammer, honestly. The exception, he thinks distastefully, is wire drawing. That does need some force, since you’re dragging a piece of metal through smaller and smaller holes, not stretching it so much as drawing it out longer and longer and thinner and thinner, and of course it’s metal, it doesn’t want to do that.

Blue finally finds the basket of rods on a low shelf behind a huge box of half-finished nails - Red’s doing, surely - and carries it to the draw plate. There’s certainly no moving the thing to anywhere else. It weighs more than he does at least twice over, solid iron plate set into a heavy stone base.

Choosing a rod, Blue hammers out a quick point, feeds it through a hole that’s just a little smaller than its current size, clamps it, and starts to pull.

His eyes burn. His head aches. His fingers sting, all the little places where slips and cuts and burns have piled up over long hours. Without his mind keeping track of eight timers at once, it’s free to focus on the physical, and oh, he feels so heavy -

Blue breathes deep, metal and coal dust and ash, and feeds the wire into the next hole.

---

Sky is unhappy but unsurprised to find the patch of floor allocated to Four empty.

Weak morning light streams through the curtains. It’s just enough to see by as Sky checks that Legend’s unmoving form on the bed is just due to stiffness and exhaustion, not something more worrying, and tiptoes around scattered bedrolls. Twilight cracks an eye as he’s stepped over.

“A’right there?” he checks, voice low.

Sky smiles. “Just seein’ who’s up.”

Twilight grunts and to all appearances goes straight back to sleep. For all he wakes with the dawn on the ranch, he does enjoy his sleep, when he can get it.

Sky empathises but he’s got a mission.

Through the shop windows he spots Wild outside, running through the carefully prescribed stretches that kept his scars limber. Once he was done with those, he’d be all up in Four’s kitchen, eager to make food more complex than could be managed over a simple campfire. Four even had an oven, which Wild had been very excited about.

Still, breakfast will come later. The forge door still stands closed, just as it had last night after Four kicked him out. Moving slow, Sky eases the heavy door open, hoping to find him passed out in a corner somewhere.

Instead Four is sitting upright at the workbench. The winding rod in his hands is familiar, though he’s moving far slower than usual, and his hands shake when he reaches for the pliers.

“Four, have you slept at all?” Sky asks, disappointed.

“Huh?” Four turns to look at him, and there’s a distinct pause before recognition flickers. “Oh, Sky. I’m nearly done with your mail. Or…” He squints at the links on the table. “No, mail’s finished. Spare rings. We’re always running out.”

“Sleep, Four,” Sky stresses. “Goddess - have you been working all night?” He eyes up the frankly ludicrous pile of mending that now sits on the other side of the bench from where it started, separated into neat piles by owner. And Four is still going - slowly cutting rings off the spiral, one by one.

“‘M fine.”

He changes tacks. “Four, c’mon. It’s time for breakfast. Wild will sulk if it gets cold, you know he will.”

Four blinks at him, visibly hazy with exhaustion, and finally, slowly, drags himself to his feet. He looks worse, upright. He’s pale and a little haggard, swaying slightly just standing in place. Goddess. He’s going to be an utter wreck today, and they’re supposed to head out for the Castor Wilds later. Maybe Sky can convince Time to wait until after lunch and Four will revive some after a nap -

The smith’s feet tangle. Sky lunges to catch him -

Four catches himself with a quick shake of the head. “Phew, close one,” he mutters. He brushes past Sky into the rest of the house, steps suddenly quick and sure. “C’mon, Sky,” he calls over his shoulder, “help me keep Wild from dirtying every pan I own, I do not want to do dishes today.”

He still looks distinctly unwell over breakfast, but the shake in his hands, the sway in his step, the dull slowness of his eyes and responses - all that is gone like it was never there. He even smiles and keeps up with the conversation. Sky doesn’t know what to make of it.

(In the back of his mind, though, he wonders.)

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

Is it ever explained in the game why the Mc doesn't have their memories post-resurrection?

Like they get the Fool’s body and the fool is like new beginnings and stuff ( I ASSMUE, Tell me if I'm wrong) , but is an actual explanation in the game? Like did they also have to give something up even though the didn't make the deal? Is it because they don't have their original body?

Spoil it for me idc I just wanna know

The Arcana Brainrot Essays: MC's Memories

Hi anon friend! I hope you don't mind the ramble that's about to proceed -

Not only is the magic system of the Arcana pretty vague, when it comes to MC inhabiting the Fool's body, we have six different canon routes and twelve different canon endings, all with different implications.

With MC not being present for the ritual that gets their body back, it's fairly safe to assume that MC is not bound by any deals at the time of the prologue (though there is plenty of space to argue otherwise, given how vague the details are). Many of the routes include other characters reckoning with the deals they made at the time, but MC's reckoning has more to do with the truth than anything else. The best explanation, and to my knowledge, the canon explanation we get across routes for MC's missing memories is "because of the resurrection." That's it.

Here's where I jump from canon stuff to the implications I picked up through the different routes, focusing on the how aspect:

Similar to what other creators have pointed out in the past, MC's amnesia bears a lot of similarities to amnesia caused by traumatic brain injuries or (in my opinion) trauma in general. Based off of the occasions where MC is able to recover their own memory of dying, it seems like in at least some routes, the memories are still in there. They're just suppressed by a mysterious something. Given how the memory loss is associated with strong headaches, how said headaches are triggered by attempts to remember or vivid references to the past, and how attempting to forcibly remember something has led to further damage in the past, MC does seem to be in the middle of a nonlinear healing journey. As several of the routes progress, we can even see MC being able to succeed at mental tasks with lower levels of difficulty when previously it would have resulted in a debilitating headache.

My personal conclusion from all of that is that MC's amnesia is the result of the sheer trauma of dying and then coming back. It's a mind boggling experience simply to process the facts of what happened - let alone the physical and emotional experience. The story picks up with MC having physically recovered enough to live independently, and continues with MC's mental and emotional growth into fully growing into themself (in the upright endings). In some routes, they're able to recall a memory of their own as the story progresses, in other routes, any knowledge MC receives of the past is from other perspectives. Which leads to one of the biggest questions: can MC get them all back?

Some of our best clues outside of MC's personal narrative are the two other characters involved with returning missing memories: Muriel and Julian. (Asra, we know, forgot the details of the ritual itself, but otherwise has all memories intact. Nadia's missing all memories since entering Vesuvia for the first time, but it's never clear how much she gets back.) Julian recovers his memories when he reverses his deal with the Hanged Man, choosing to live as a normal person again with MC so that he can piece together the answer to the Plague. In his case, all the memories come back at once, fully intact.

Muriel's situation is different. He doesn't have any memories missing, he just has the capacity to take away the memories of the people around him. At first, the method for returning those memories is a sensory trigger (myrrh), but as time goes on and the deal loses its effect, the memories seem to slowly return to the people around him. It's different from Julian suddenly having access to the full breadth of his memories again, but the overall effect is the same: the lack of memory is resolved to the point that "normal" functioning can resume.

So, what does that say about MC's case? In short - anything. It really is up to how you imagine your MC, their past, the specific dynamic they have with their specific LI, how their future progresses post canon, etc. There's canon examples of characters regaining their memories gradually over time, getting them all back at once as the result of a deal, or simply learning to move forward and embrace the chance to start anew. And these are just examples of the default apprentice - there are plenty of MCs with gorgeously fleshed out backgrounds whose stories are their own twist on canon, where none of this really applies!

In short, how MC interacts with their missing memories is largely dependent on who your MC is. As to why they're missing - it's written as being because of MC dying and coming back. Whether that's due to the nature of it being trauma/a traumatic brain injury, or whatever other reason you can think of, is up to you ^.^

Cheers friend!

brainrot

[honey-minded-hivemind]

I'd say who ever sat down with Reader at the bar is one of the smaller, less "intimidating" mutants, like Storm or Jean or Kurt if he hides his tail.

Reader not immediately being on the defensive on a complete stranger sitting so close means they aren't physically imposing as a traumatized teen would be suspicious of someone who looks dangerous or could cause trouble.

Hank, Logan, Victor, Adult! Scott (he's gained like 30 pounds in muscle and at least a foot in height), and some others are all big enough that Reader would immediately move once they sit down, if nothing else to avoid a potentially dangerous adult.

But someone smaller may not trigger their danger warning in their head, so that person can sit down long enough to recognize them.

Does that make sense or am I just rambling?

Ah.... Good guess, @sugar-soda! I myself haven't figured out who I want it to be! But you make a good point:

Reader would feel worried by anyone sitting next to them, and would feel more comfortable with someone smaller or a similar height or build to them. If it was Storm or Kurt would make some sense, as Storm can control the weather and Kurt is fluffy, so he has some extra warmth compares to the others.

On the other hand, Reader wouod have grown a bit more accustomed to larger or scarier figures, as they tended to go to bars and had to sometimes talk with someone (for news, the weather, which town is closest, any strange activity...), so they might not immediately show fear if someone larger or more intimidating sat beside them...

Hmmm... Okay. Who would you want it to be, or hope it is? (Doesn't matter who, just whichever yan you wouod want to see, regardless) ( @sugar-soda @thewickedweiner @vivid-bun This question is for y'all! )

[theamityelf]

“ you shoot anyone who comes through that door who isn’t me. ” kamuegi? Kamuegi!

(Alright, less fluffy than last time! XD)

~~~

Their place of refuge only had one entrance.

This was not accidental on Izuru's part, of course. There had been an active choice between the security of a single entrance (the chance of being cornered) and the security of many exits (the chance of being faced with enemies from many directions at once). Either scenario was one he could handle well enough on his own, so of course Makoto was the deciding factor.

It was easier to protect him from unidirectional ambush than from multiple lines of fire.

And anyway, Makoto hated to be surrounded. Specifically, particularly hated to be surrounded, physically, more than he hated to be physically cornered. It was a leftover anxiety from the trials, Izuru believed. As much as Makoto didn't want to see it as such (and perhaps didn't believe he did), each time he had been suspected in the trials had been a moment in which he had been surrounded by enemies. Managing multiple streams of attack to protect himself.

(This fear was a subtle post-traumatic stress symptom, so it hadn't been sanded down as much as his more people-facing ones, like the way his defensiveness would sometimes flare up in casual arguments as if they were of critical importance.)

All this to say, there was one door, and it was now unsafe. The hacked Monokuma which Izuru had been using for perimeter surveillance revealed the hordes closing in. Human hordes.

And he was pressing a handgun into his lover's hands.

"I-I can't-"

"Yes you can," Izuru interrupted, before the unproductive thought could spread its spores. "It's no different from using your hacking gun on Monokumas."

"It is different. These are people. I can't-"

"Yes you can, because you love to be alive, because you love your friends, and you love me. The beings who will be trying to get through this door-" (He was careful not to say "people".) "-want to kill you. You want to be alive."

Makoto's eyes were damp, but the tears weren't falling. They usually didn't. Izuru briskly dabbed his lover's tears away, so that he could see clearly as Izuru redirected his attention to the handgun.

"This is the safety. It's currently on. Now it's off. If you pull the trigger, the gun will fire. The aiming of it is no different from your hacking gun, except that you're no longer going for the eye. Aim for the torso; it's a larger target than any extremities. Shoot anyone who comes through that door who isn’t me." He needed to leave now, but he also needed to be assured that Makoto wouldn't freeze, if it became necessary to fatally wound someone. He brought their faces closer together, eclipsing all else from Makoto's vision. "Think of it this way: However many of them you have to kill in self-defense is nothing compared to how many I will kill if you die." He kissed him, quick and fervently, and then looked him in the eye. Makoto was upset, but he was also focused. Izuru made his exit. "Lock it after me. Every lock. Then stand back." He shut the door.

The hordes were here. He cracked his neck and got to work.

...

The door was off its hinges when he returned. He had known that there was no way to prevent this, with the numbers he'd been facing, but still his pulse ran laps at the sight.

It seemed that not many had made it inside. He only had to step over one body on the way in- alive, shot in the stomach. Encouraging, where the silence wasn't.

"Makoto?" he called.

There were no reactive sounds, but he could hear breathing in the next room.

He rounded the corner.

Three bodies. Two dead, one dying, all in a heap on the floor. The blood pooled beneath them, and just beyond the reach of the pools was Makoto, standing frozen with his gun outstretched, visibly distraught. The sight of Izuru seemed to spur his brain back into action; he processed the arrival first as a threat (Izuru had entered silently.) and then as a relief.

"Please, can you do something for them? Can you help them? I can't-!"

Izuru stepped over the bodies, turning Makoto away from them and drawing him into his arms. Their heartbeats conversed at a patter-pace. "You're alright."

"D-Did I kill them?"

"They just passed out from shock. They'll be fine."

"N-N-No, they...All that blood..."

"They'll be fine," he insisted. "As for us, we have to leave before the next wave arrives."

"But if they die, I killed them. Then I'm the murderer, I-I'm the culprit..."

Izuru once again placed his face close to Makoto's, taking the handgun from him as he did. "You are not in a killing game anymore. There will not be any consequences for this. You're safe, as long as we leave." And with that, he lifted Makoto from his feet, resting his weight mostly against one shoulder while his other hand held his gun at the ready.

"Wait, we can't just leave them there!"

He ignored the squirming and stepped over the bodies again. Casually kicking the one who was still alive, so that he would make a noise (however faint) and prove that he wasn't dead. "You were acting in self-defense. Your guilt is irrational. Don't adopt Enoshima's standards for wrongful killing."

"Everyone...Everyone will hate me..."

"Do you think they haven't had to kill in self-defense?"

"I..." His whole frame shook once, but then he said, "I can walk."

Izuru set him down. They were out the door, now. Those who would have killed them were spread on the ground, twitching impotently. He had mostly shot or broken their spines, killing only when it was most efficient by a significant margin. A carpet of corpses would have bothered Makoto.

"...Would you tell me if they were dead?"

Izuru wished the matter wouldn't weigh so heavily on his lover. Makoto deserved someone who wasn't a liar. But he needed someone who was. "Of course."

They were making quick progress, now that Makoto was cooperating. Soon, they would be somewhere safe again, and Izuru would have time to comfort him, feed him, distract him. Regrettably, Makoto had already had enough time to return to the killing game in his mind, but Izuru would pull him back.

In fact, it was probably more accurate to say that he had been playing by the killing game's rules all along, and this was his first time breaking them. Which meant he just needed time to see that there was no execution coming for him. That Enoshima's judgement no longer held weight, and no one alive would hold this against him. He hadn't lost her game; he had won. He had won a long time ago, and now it was over.

"Look at me," Izuru said, deciding that they'd walked far enough to pause for a minute. "At me," he said again.

Makoto's eyes met his. Slightly wet. Foggy with shame. His face had that remote look that it always acquired when he went through something emotionally overwhelming.

"Thank you, Makoto."

He blinked, confusion interrupting the daze he'd been in. "Thank...?"

"Thank you, for protecting yourself. Thank you for choosing to defend yourself. I was worried you might not."

His eyes became wetter. "It's not...It's nothing to...thank me for."

"But it is. You've never killed needlessly. When the need arose, I'm glad you met the need."

The tears fell. Better than the alternative; he didn't cry enough. "So I did kill them?"

"They were always going to die today. That was the choice they made when they tried to kill you. The choice you made was whether you would die with them, and you decided not to. I'm thankful for that." He brushed his lips gently over Makoto's, then took his hand. "Just a little farther. Then breakfast, alright?"

He exhaled a shaking breath which Izuru took to be affirmative.

He would need a lot of attention, today. A lot of reassurance and affection. And Izuru was more than happy to provide it.

[eriisaam]

Meet Kyo Raitora: The Shining Summoner

World of origin: World of Pokemon

Supports: Kamui (male Corrin), Lifonse (Alfonse/Lif hybrid), Eclair, Kaze, Cronos

A Galarian-Kalosian trainer who was originally born and grew up in Galar, yet moved abroad and primarily hangs around Kalos instead. When he grew up, Kyo was a black sheep to his golden child younger sister, Kichi, where his birth had been heavily associated with all the turmoils and ill luck of newfound parenthood, while his sister was wanted, expected, and utterly adored with all the experience gained from the 'practice child'. He was so heavily neglected that well before he reached the age he would be allowed to go on a pokemon journey, he snuck out frequently, and ran across an adolescent zacian, and her puppy zamazenta brother, themselves also too young to go on the journey many other fledgeling wolves of their kind would go to follow in the legacies of their ancient ancestor legendaries. He found more protection and care in those wolves than he did with his family, up to the point he was old enough to become a trainer, to which the wolves saw him off as he immediately gained his starter and moved immediately over to Kalos, rather than start proper in Galar, just to evade his family. Through hopping across multiple different regions thereafter, he met Teru, and the two hit it off.

Prior to becoming a summoner, Kyo, as well as Teru, both grew up as pokemon trainers who crossed paths with one another, befriended and started a relationship with one another, and together alongside other friends, started a restaurant business in Lumiose, Papilon, which is still booming in business to this day. Even after becoming a summoner, he still makes frequent trips balancing being a co-owner and manager to Papilon with three other co-owners (one of whom includes Teru) alongside his duties as summoner. However, Kyo and Teru were kidnapped, at first by who they thought were affiliates of Team Rocket, only to find out at the midpoint between Books IV to V that it was a branch of Tylon associated with Orion instead. When Kyo and Teru were kidnapped, Kyo begged and pleaded for Teru's life while willing to sacrifice himself for his sake, but in a cruel twist, it backfired horribly by subjecting Teru to what would've turned him into a hybridized missingno, while he himself became a hybridized ditto, a context that, through their murky memories re-tracing back to this traumatic event, as well as the fallout of Lifonse and Kamui intervening to rescue Kyo directly while Teru was isekaied away through his Breidablik, completely destroyed Kyo's and Teru's relationship, and took time to regain their strong friendship once more, minus their past romance.

While the direct aftermath of his experimentation left him in an unstable and disoriented state, with support and promised protection from both Kamui and Lifonse, the two tried as best as possible to cushion the panic and stress as much as possible of his new condition and sudden spiriting into a new world of Zenith, not knowing until Book III that the two were trying to set right what once went horribly wrong with the grim and horrific context they had of how badly their original Kyo was failed the first time around.

This had a lasting effect on both Teru and Kyo, as due to the two having been ambushed at a pokemon center that they realized too late was hijacked, both have sharp triggers in being unable to cope returning to any pokemon center anymore, and both had tried and failed to circumvent other means to heal their pokemon - or even outright refuse to use them at all - until others like Erin stepped in to server as a courier in their stead once she first proved the combination of her might and Lif's woefully overbearing care for her was more than enough to secure her own safety in the job.

Upon regaining his footing both physically and mentally, Kyo weaponized his power to allow himself the ability to shapeshift into anyone he pleases - including inheriting their powers and physical strengths - albeit with some key limitations. As a precaution in case he were to breach containment, he was hard-coded to become the 'shiny' variant of whatever and whoever he tried to transform into, even of subjects who didn't originally have a 'shiny' variant (such as other heroes, or non-pokemon creatures), a weakness Loki often holds over his head to taunt him with. Furthermore, although his capabilities are endless in theory, in practice, he must also either be within range of the subject he turns into in order to inherit their full capabilities, or must grow familiar to the point of imprinting on a subject to change at will to it, something he only managed to do with a few key forms he regularly borrows, such as Corrin's/Kamui's dragon forms, or certain eeveelution forms to retain their elemental immunities (such as committing Fjorm's flareon to memory to directly render himself immune to Cronos's flames, especially if Cronos was left in a feral state in his phoenix form without his beast stone).

He is also capable of partially shifting into a were-like state (comparable to the Burst warriors in Pokemon), and after 'solidifying' his genes, regulated himself into that of a hybridized shiny mew, rather than a shiny ditto, as a beast association his genes 'default' to when transforming without a subject in mind. In either his weakened state, or simply out of preference, he might partially or fully shift into the form of a mew at times thereafter.

While he was initially haughty, fickle, and some parts of a stinky bastard in being so overly aloof as to leave all the summoner duties nigh exclusively on Erin's lap to deal with in favor of prioritizing his own dealings with his own world instead, a part of his earlier reservations were him barely coping well between what he thought was a violent death of his ex (which ended up actually being the case for the Kyo Lifonse and Kamui originally lost), a lot of scars weighing on Lifonse and Kamui's minds of them pre-emptively reacting based on some of past-Kyo's shittier aspects that the current and present Kyo didn't do and resented being blamed for, and the sudden revelation of Teru suddenly turning up alive again, but burdened with shadows of trauma and failure and a very nasty rift between the two originally that Kyo initially clumsily had problems mending. He soon came to open up from his initially guarded attitude as the other summoners tried to reach out to him in kind, including Sparrow offering assistance in performing more monotonous tasks in combination with her own chores, or more weighted dealings like Erin's aforementioned handling to circumvent their triggers. No matter his attitude, after being so guarded and rattled for so long, he soon learned to trust once again.

With patience, understanding, and as he grew to care more for the summoners, his reluctant rescue and supporting of the forma summoner Eclair, and coming around to find genuine care for his newfound supports and family, however, his attitude gradually shifted more in remaining more of a common sight around Zenith, picking up the burdens of what he previously allowed Erin and Teru to be weighted down under, and eventually became an emotional rock back to his supports, all of his growth of which eventually proved himself just enough to seek out and reconnect with his zacian once more to aid him throughout the challenges in Zenith alongside her brother. Upon gaining her permanent aid, he had Erin's help in dubbing her with the name Ringel, while her brother zamazenta was entrusted to guard Eclair, and later earning his own name in Anguirel. Their bond is often the subject to what leads to a lot of his later alts, up to and including his legendary one, where he will often transform his Breidablik into the likeness of Folkvangr and grant Ringel the ability to assume her Crowned Sword state with it, in lieu of a rusted sword, meanwhile riding on her back in his own mew state to let her take proper charge of the battlefield. It's through her that he slowly regained the ability to trust some of the burdens of the battles across Zenith alongside his pokemon, rather than solely on his own shoulders with his transformation abilities.

Out of the six, Kyo is the summoner with the least amount of changes in this redesign spree, with his clothes taking far more of a dramatic difference compared to all the rest of him being fairly set in his ways otherwise. While originally, he was the summoner with the least amount of tells of being a summoner on purpose - in large part because he disliked the decals of typical summoner garb and gets fussy and stinky when suckered to wear it - eventually, after characterization marched on, and he got closer to his supports proper, he did end up finding his own compromise of keeping to his typical stylish and sleek trends, but splashing the accents more typical to the summoner themes. He was the summoner next to Eclair who I ended up being the most "familiar" and "set" with, so he was great warmup-practice in trying to recall how to work with FEH sprite styles after a long time since doing them last (besides the earlier tiny-beasties ones I mean. Like, human ones...)

[boy-above]

i wanted to talk about some things, it's a heavy topic but if anyone is able or willing to read, i really appreciate it. i wanted to talk about my experience with emotional/covert incest. the terms can mean multiple things but in my specific case, it meant my mother talked to me about inappropriate sexual things from a very young age. as well as my dad preying on my sister and filming us. i understand these topics can be triggering so please feel free to skip if you want to.

i was never physically touched so for a long time i thought i did not count as a victim of sexual abuse, as well as just being brainwashed into thinking it was normal, but a few years ago i got support from the childhood sexual abuse subreddit and they were amazing. they made me feel seen and helped me realized how much i'd been traumatized by this.

i'm talking about it now because i vaguely brought it up with her yesterday for the first time and she mumbled a response essentially blaming my dad for her hypersexual behavior around us kids. saying she 'wasn't herself.' it was very insulting to me but i dropped the subject because it would ruin the day otherwise.

for as long as i can remember she had been doing this, the earliest i have memories from is four to five years old. i knew where babies came from in graphic detail by this time. note that these are just some of many, many examples.

my mom had described the concept of sex toys and described where my dad kept theirs, as if she wanted me to go look. at one point on a car ride home home from my grandma's house she described how she'd heard of someone putting peanut butter in their vagina and fucking that way; she described how she thought it feel and how gross it was. i was five and hostage in the car. she showed me the adult section in spencer's; a store i didn't even like going to because it had scary chucky dolls, and showed me several sex toys. she specifically pointed out the sex dolls hanging from the ceiling and joked that she wondered if my dad would like one.

again when i was five, she apparently had never heard the word "bonding" before, so when i said it she assumed it was related to bondage, so she proceeded to explain bondage and bdsm to me in detail. this is something else about my mother, she manages to make seemingly innocent things about sex, as if it's literally always on her mind. she did the same thing with the word "mate", she thought it was only used in a sexual content and tried to explain to me how different animals fuck. i was 7 and we were in the middle of the grocery store. she would retell a story several times through my life about how an old friend from her early 20s implied she (the friend) had fucked a dog before; and my mom thought that was an appropriate conversation to have with a small child.

again when i was about 7, she put a show on the tv about sex toys when i was in the room. i distinctly remember this is when i first actually saw what dildos and vibrators looked like. i specifically remember them talking about how quiet one of them was, and them showing off a glass dildo as well. my mom didn't care at all that i was in the room seeing this; in fact she pointed some out telling me how funny she thought they looked.

when i was like 8, in a movie we were watching (which once again wasn't age appropriate, but she never did make sure Any movie was age appropriate) someone did the pussy eating hand symbol, for lack of a better term. i didnt even ask what it meant because i assumed it was something sexual, but my mom described it in detail anyway even though i literally told her i didnt want to know. by this point i was old enough to try to advocate for myself, to tell her to Stop and that i didnt want to hear these things, but she didnt listen at all. i wanted it to stop but it never did.

i knew all about my moms sexual fantasies as well, like how she wanted to have a threesome but knew my dad would never do it. she even showed me one of her own sex toys when i was around 10, one of those electric paddles. either one or both of my parents liked being spanked and hit with a whip. how do i know? they would fuck loudly even though they knew i could hear everything no matter where i was in the house. and i brought up with them how i could hear it and how i wanted it to stop, begging them to at least Try to be quiet, but they never would. to this day i think it's because they got off of knowing i could hear them. i was about 13 when this started and it happened up until high school had ended.

now, we talk about my dad. my dad was a bigger creep but in a more quiet way. you see, my dad never spoke vulgar around us kids. he did not like talking about sex and didn't even like cursing half the time. he did have a porn addiction however. every single device has to have porn on it, porn needs to be open at all times. he had porn mags in the basement; removed them thankfully when he found out we saw them. he gave me his old laptop when my own broke, it was absolutely full of folders upon folders of porn. you always end up stumbling upon it by accident at least, but jesus christ it's everywhere.

but the real problem is that he did something deplorable. see, my older sister is a half sister, he is her step dad. and my father preyed on her. i still don't know everything he did to her, and obviously that is not my story to tell. but what i do know is that he installed cameras in her room and watched her. my mom always had her suspicions but when i was an older teenager she finally found the evidence. vhs tapes, on which videos of my sister, who at the time of filming was 11-16, getting changed and other things. my entire childhood i was afraid i was being filmed.

because my mom did not leave my dad when she found out about this. she first had an inclination he was creeping on my sister when she was very young; but she never left. she told us though, told us what a creep he was, so we spent our childhoods in fear that he was watching us. i'd check my room for cameras all the time. i've come to the conclusion that i think that as his biological child he never did have an interest in me thankfully, but my poor sister was violated by that man, the degree to which we still don't know because she doesn't like to talk about it; which is her right of course. i was never touched but the surveillance paranoia has eaten away at me since i was little. always afraid im being watched, that there's a camera or that he's monitoring my online activity. i know at one point he filmed he and my mom having sex without her permission, so he really did have cameras everywhere. i can only hope there wasn't one in my own room.

this is such, such a stupid thing that i'm about to say. it's gonna completely ruin the tone of this post but it becomes sinister in hindsight. when i was little, sometimes i would sleep in my sisters room. but i was scared of her window because i'd see something red out there. in my child imagination i imagined it was a scary sasquatch with red eyes. listen, i was super afraid of sasquatch and yetis at the time, it was a whole thing i know it sounds ridiculous. anyway though, i realized in hindsight that the red i was seeing was the recording light of a camera. he was filming her though the window. the tapes confirmed that. i never saw them myself but my mom did. it's just. such a scary thing okay.

my surveillance paranoia lives with me today. i have never shaken the fear that im being watched. it even elevated into mind reading delusions. after spending your whole life feeling unsafe, like you have no privacy anywhere, you start to fear you're not safe even in your mind. so yes, i have fears sometimes that my mind is being read. it always feels stupid to admit to it because i know logically that its simply not true, but it's something my brain persists. i still live in this house with my dad and mom. one little way i try to fight the mind reading is that for whatever reason my brain thinks that it i turn a certain way it will be harder for someone to read my mind. so, if my dad is in the living room on the right of me, i turn to the left. and if he's in his bedroom on the left of me, i turn right. i also put pillows all over my head especially covering my ears. having delusions makes you feel so stupid, man. but it helps.

some day, maybe, i'll have my own place, and i'll be able to check it alllll over for cameras, and maybe i'll finally feel safe. or, maybe i'll never feel safe. i don't know. i also think that perhaps my moms hypersexuality contributed to my asexuality. i was sex repulsed for a very long time because it was just pushed onto me time and time again when i was little. i've only just recently in the past few years started becoming comfortable with sexuality, although im still ace, i only feel attraction in theory and not in practice. so maybe in a way every time i express wanting to fuck a fictional character it's actually a win for me? i have no idea. anyway uhhhhh i have no idea if anyone read this but peace out homies

[itsclydebitches]

This feels comparatively minor in the grand scheme of everything going on with Ruby's writing, but given that I think it connects to the overall issue of the team's mishandled emotions, I want to lay out a (potential?) nitpick here.

Anyone else confused by Jaune's Penny-focused trauma?

"What are you talking about, Clyde?" I hear the imaginary voice in my head that likes playing Devil's advocate exclaim. "Jaune just killed Penny last Volume! You said yourself that the story needed to grapple with that to have any hope of salvaging this plot-line. In what world shouldn't he be grieving a recent, horrifically tragic death that he intentionally brought about?"

Well, yeah... but it's only recent to the viewer and the characters. For Jaune it's been decades. We don't know precisely how much time has passed, but it's long enough for him to have lived at least half a life here. So why is this event still at the forefront of his emotional struggle? Look, I'm not saying something that traumatizing wouldn't stay with Jaune for his entire life, nor am I saying that Team RWBY's arrival couldn't have re-triggered those memories (even though RT didn't write that happening). All I'm saying is that this is a character who has survived years in a foreign, dangerous landscape, so it's a little odd to me that something that - from his perspective - happened when he was a kid remains his emotional focus. From just what little we've heard about Jaune's life in the Ever After, he's accumulated a long list of new tragedies he could be grappling with: surviving the Jabberwalker, being betrayed and nearly killed by Alyx, loosing Lewis, the death of his village that happened mere moments ago. Penny's death doesn't feel like an event so significant that it trumps all Jaune's other trauma, it just feels like the writers not taking into account that he should be a fundamentally different person after so much time and growth. We're seeing this problem in other ways too, where beyond being "crazy" Jaune is still the same old Jaune, he doesn't seem to have improved in his combat, the Ever After hasn't changed him in any meaningful way beyond making him physically older.

(As a side note: the story might have done something interesting with that by introducing the concept that no one changes unless it's through Ascension. Lean hard into the idea of a fixed story where Jaune has essentially remained static for all this time, playing the same Knight role, succeeding in the same heroic deeds, forever trapped with a 19yo-ish personality/mind coming off of Penny's death. His body ages, but the rest of him stays precisely the same because this is a fairy tale that must be told the same way again and again and again...)

Anyway, I find this characterization particularly unpersuasive given how the rest of the cast tends to speedrun through "development." In this Volume alone we've seen 2/3rds of the team answer the, 'Are you a good huntress?' question in a single scene, Weiss has now gotten past destroying her Kingdom because all huntresses make mistakes, I guess, the group comes to terms with Ruby killing herself instantly after it happens, and Ruby herself is poised to be magically cured of her depression via tree therapy. RWBY argues that it takes incredibly little (if anything at all) for these characters to overcome trauma and become better versions of themselves, which in and of itself is a writing Choice, but throwing an older Jaune into the mix just makes it that much harder to swallow. You're telling me that after decades in the Ever After he never once got caught in the crossroads of a punderstorm, forced to work through Penny's death the way the bees worked through their romantic hesitance? Jaune never encountered any magical smoke that let him talk back to his past self and declare that he did everything perfectly, actually? Jaune spent years befriending the Paper Pleasers, but none of them ever gave him a self-reflective speech like Team RWBY got? This world that in a day has taken the girls through ALL their problems somehow didn't help Jaune after he spent a lifetime here?

Frankly, it's impossible to imagine (and no, I don't buy this 'Well Jaune was selfish and refused to accept things/move on' argument. That's a whole other kettle of worms involving RWBY's frankly insulting definition of 'accepting death' that I don't have time to get into here). Suffice to say, if Volume 9 was going to be the girls speedrunning through their development thanks to the Ever After's magic, Jaune should be a completely different person after spending a lifetime here. You can give us an older, more mature Jaune with an entirely new set of struggles to overcome while also grappling with Penny's death by having the girls learn that he killed her. I can't believe we're heading into the finale and Jaune has fallen off the tree without Ruby learning the truth, but beyond that it might have been interesting to see her grappling with such a horrific discovery while Jaune - through no fault of his own - has already had years to work through it. That would be something to let Ruby vent about. Let her be furious and disgusted that Jaune is so "indifferent" to her death when the audience can see that really he's just reached a point where he can talk about this without immediately breaking down; let her rage about him "murdering" her, getting closer and closer to a breaking point as Jaune tries to explain what it took him years to come to terms with (a perspective I personally don't agree with, but that the narrative is clearly pushing): he did it for the greater good, it was Penny's choice, and he is not responsible for the murder Cinder committed. Give me a freshly grieving, teenage Ruby set against an adult Jaune who has - as much as anyone can - come to terms with this death and let that dynamic help Ruby grow and better herself, using a friend and fellow leader as a model.

I mean sure, we're still left with Jaune getting a ton of focus and I know many fans despise him enough that this would be a big NO right out of the gate... but personally I'd take it over Ruby attempting suicide and Jaune, for some reason, still acting like Penny died yesterday, rather than a lifetime ago.

[thefanboyhub]

I said I could make an essay about why Cleaning/Organizing is one of my strongest coping skills so I am going to because I can.

(Writing and explaining myself are my other coping skills 😔)

Uhhhh TW: Trauma ✨(?)

For starters one of the things I've been forced to do since a young age— mostly due to the whole gender standards but also because of lazy fucking adults in my life— is clean. I would clean anything and everything, all they had to do was ask and I had to follow. It wasn't really that bad until after foster care. One of my mom's boyfriends at the time was a lazy piece of shit, claimed to be disabled but he wasn't, he was just extremely lazy and obese (not fat shaming but he was very clearly the unhealthy kind of fat, y'know the kind that actually does kill you) plus he didn't want to work. He'd have me and my brother do the laundry, have me clean just about everything (all at 8 years old by the way) except vacuuming because I wasn't tall enough to do it right.

That's wasn't the bad though I honestly didn't mind it unless it was a massive mess and made me wanna kill myself with how gross it was. The part that really traumatized me is a two parter and involves my oh so lovely Gran (she can fucking die and I'd be leaping with joy).

First part is the fact that if I didn't do a chore (which of course as the only "girl" and because girls "do things better than boys" I had to do the dusting, cleaning the table, vacuuming, and the bathroom I shared with my brothers, plus mopping once a month, my laundry and help my Gran do everyone else's laundry, AND CLEAN NY ENTIRE ROOM.) right or her way, I would have to redo it. I would have to redo it until I did it right. If it looked like I didn't vacuum, I was forced to revaccum the entire house again. If I didn't clean the baseboards right she would make me move everything off the walls and clean it entirely. When we had stairs, if I didn't clean them right I would have to redo them again. On top of repeating these chores over and over again I also got basically all my privileges taken: Phone, TV, Art supplies, my books a few times, going outside, and other stuff I can't remember.

Which led to the second part of this. I would clean and organize my room for fun when I had stuff taken from me. What else was I gonna do? I couldn't just sit there and daydream or sleep, I would be yelled and and grounded longer for that. So I daydreamed while I cleaned and organized my room. Sometimes I'd reorganize our kitchen and stuff, anything to be busy and not get yelled at or get brownie points so I can have something back.

This slowly became a habit for me. Grounded? Time to rearrange my stuff. Stressed? Clean the bathroom. Trying not to cry because she's right there yelling at you for attitude again for the tenth time this morning? Time to deep clean my room. Anything negative would trigger my response to clean and organize. Even if it's already clean I would clean it. It even got to the point where I clean myself too. I developed germaphobia. I was almost diagnosed by this one therapist I was forced to see at one point with OCD because of the cleaning habits. Fun times.

But some other stuff that contributed to the whole cleaning coping skills would be that it gives me control, a blank start, and physical activity. Moving furniture around, cleaning the walls (oh yeah she made me clean a wall with a toothbrush once. Halfway up the wall she let me switch to a rag so eh.) on my hands a knees scrubbing the tile floor of the kitchen. It helps me get the aggression that my mom and I worked so hard to keep under a tight hold out of my system. It makes me feel as if I have a new start when I'm in a clean space, specifically if I cleaned it. On top of that I also feel on control. The act of cleaning is controlling the environment. I have control over what I clean and how.

Anyways. This was all started because of today. I lost a friend (they aren't dead they just don't want to be friends with me anymore). I struggle with social situations and for 7 years I only had one friend and she left about a year ago. I was 15 when I finally started to have more than one friend. I've basically lost everyone at this point minus one maybe two but even then they get along better so yeah. I suck at making friends, socializing, and all that stuff. Which also means when I lose a friend it causes me great distress and makes me freak the fuck out. I started cleaning my room at 9 pm and I only got done with it at 10:23 pm so yeah. Coping skills yuh.

[unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240]

Not in transition anymore exactly, not a detransitioner, but a secret third thing: I got what I needed from this process and now I don't care anymore.

First I identified as a binary trans man, then was forced to detransition and live as a cis woman. Then I was forced back out of the closet and initially tried to live as a man again before finally (correctly) understanding myself as non-binary. Then I fought the system REAL hard to get access to the physical transition I needed so that I could, y'know, continue living.

And then I got that access and my chains were cut, and I was free, free! from the crushing dysphoria.

And then I realized that on the other side of that, that I had no language to talk about my experiences, because that was at the height of the "if-you're-at-all-male-even-a-little- then-you've-never-experienced-misogyny-or-tbh-transphobia-and-should-just-stop-talking-about-your-experiences" phase of trans community. How could I even begin to articulate and talk about my experiences in order to heal from trauma and repair my relationship to the community, when I was told over and over again that I didn't understand my own traumatic experiences? This, despite the fact that people trying to overwrite my experiences and reality were part of that trauma?

So I just... stopped. I stopped participating in trans community. I stopped being vocal about my trans identity. And I started slowly but surely shifting back into a feminine presentation, which no longer triggered dysphoria because of the physical changes.

And as the years roll on, I find myself having not fundamentally changed, but simply having moved on. I moved on from the boy I could've been, and now the dye is cast and I can't feel anything. I can't connect to that maleness with any urgency except once in a blue moon, nor does being genderqueer bring me joy. But I'm not a woman. I'm a vaguely femme-shaped person with enough of the external features of a woman that I can get by. But I'm a woman in the way that a hare is a rabbit or a hyrax a rodent.

And I'm out of energy, or words, to explain it anymore. Most days.

Fuck the pronouns; I don't give a damn.

[thornsent]

The internet kind of just sucks when you're autistic and traumatized...

I take these sorts of things kind of weirdly hard. I don't consider mutuals My Bestest Closest Friends or anything but I do often consider em' friends, especially if I recall sharing words with you. and if I can disagree with someone and still have a conversation it makes me quite happy and feel very safe, I feel like I'm learning something useful even if my mind isn't changed. I'd gotten used to being able to safely disagree on people's posts I suppose?

I really try more n more when I disagree with people to be charitable and meet them where they're at because from their point they probably have good reason to feel those things. I think often too when I disagree, I want to share my opinion because sometimes it seems like the person who disagrees is hurting themselves and I don't think they ought to-

if you think there's not a lot of trans people but you're trans, for instance, that makes me sad and I disagree, bc scientifically and logically we're really common and you are not that alone, and as things get better there'll be more and more of us feeling safe to come out and exist.

it seems like a lonely and isolating opinion to have and I'm trying to reach a hand out and say hey, I recognize that but it's not the case! so when I get snapped at for, what from my perspective is trying to reach out to someone and either make them feel better about life or understand their circumstances better, it really stings.

it uh, is triggering, I think. It reminds me of a very frightening person I once dated who would get genuinely irate with me because I tried to comfort him when he was depressed, and then would try and drag me down with him.

I'm mentally and physically disabled, like literally I have a support team n' people who come help me do my chores and take care of myself, and I'm queer in a small red town. I'm an hour away from all my friends minimum and I don't have family aside from my partner. this is, to say, that I'm really lonely and feel quite isolated, even as I try to exist within my community and meet folks in real life. it's not easy.

so a lot, a lot of my interaction since I've moved here has been online. my blog has largely been running on queue and I only check a few times a day typically, but I do really really like interacting with my mutuals. not everyone gets a lot of in-person social interaction, you know? not everyone is so lucky :(

and so when these sorts of things happen, and are this bad and this (mutually) triggering, it just.... really takes the wind out of me and makes me want to cry! it is a rehash of traumas that have occurred repeatedly throughout my life that are at their root because I am traumatized and autistic and I make social mistakes subsequently

and to be further vulnerable adding atop that having ocd (which has been flaring up for me really bad lately, I think due to the seasonal change making all my symptoms Worse--) and also recently having a falling out with my closest friend bc they did some really cruel stuff irl I think made this just Really Get To Me in a way it wouldn't otherwise have.

I am starting ketamine infusion therapy soon enough, so I'm really hoping it'll help with that. Or I'll k-hole. We'll see. I've been burnt out and had little energy lately which means I spend more time on the internet, hopefully infusion therapy will help and I can at least get back to art, if nothing else. Social media has been making me really sad with humanity lately.

[multiverse-imagines]

Dude I shit you not your Legato relationship imagines post had me tearing the fuck up.

Only if you're comfortable doing so, but could I request some relationship imagines with an s/o who has similar past trauma and struggles with panic attacks? I repeat, only if you're comfortable doing so 😵

A/N: I'm so willing to have the panic attacks necessary to write this one. I imagine myself having a similar relationship with Legato when it comes to intimacy. Guess I have a lot to say about him xD

One Step at A Time

Legato x also traumatized!reader

You and Legato had been together for well over a year, and there was no denying the heart fluttering adoration the two of you shared for each other.

Legato wasn't always very vocal or over the top with his acts of love. It was little things like, getting you a snack on his way home, a gentle kiss on the forehead before bed, or laying his hand on yours while you sit in each other's company. Little things that you knew were his way of showing his love.

Acts of service and praising words were Legato's forté. He praised every moment, no matter how small. He praised you when you managed to eat your meal, no matter how childish, or bland. He praised you when you did something to take care of yourself. Showering, clipping your fingernails, asking for a second to breathe, letting him know you were anxious before a full blown panic attack settled in, anything really.

He was also on the ball in subjects such as readying your shower water and items, clearing the kitchen counter before you did the dishes, changing the laundry over from the washer to dryer, and making the grocery list before the two of you went shopping.

His attentiveness often inspired you to make sure his needs were being met as well. Although you couldn't always provide acts of service, you made sure to thank him for his hard work, and made sure he knew how much you appreciated him. The two of you always made sure the other knew how much they were loved, wanted, and accepted for everything they were…. Especially the inflicted wounds given to you both from the tribulations of your pasts.

You had confided in Legato, your past with people who were not kind to you. Afterwords, he told his story to you, thus creating an even stronger bond between you.

Intimacy was rough for the both of you. Physical touch being the hardest. He went to rest his arm around you for the first time, and his hand landed on just the wrong spot, sending you into a panic attack. He was quick to help you out of it, apologies and calming words flowing from his mouth like a symphony. He seemed to know almost immediately what would calm you down, simply from how observant he was over the past year.

He snatched up your favorite comfort food, water, and tissues. He communicated well on whether you wanted to be held or not. He waited patiently for you to be able to speak again, and for you to calm down enough to talk about your thought process within your trigger.

Once learning that the spot he'd grazed was one that was quite a heavy topic, he immediately apologized, and thanked you for telling him. Since then, he warmed you if he needed to touch that spot for any reason, which was seldom ever. The only case was a stray hair or a crumb of food.

The two of you made a list of sorts. Things that could trigger each other, and the best methods for pulling you both from your panicked states. You keep this list hidden, tucked under your mattress.

You and Legato occasionally had experimental nights in, but these were not typically spent making out or touching each other. These nights, you two would sit with your shirts off, or wearing minimal clothing, just doing normal things, all the windows closed, curtains drawn. You'd watch a movie, finish that load of laundry, or make dinner. It was only when the two of you went to sleep next to each other that night, each cocooned on your own soft fluffy blankets, that the two of you would share a kiss. Soft, gentle, and praising each other for how well the other did.

The two of you spoke often of How the two of you would interact intimately together, in preparation, and anticipation, for the day the two of you could even possibly be physically intimate. On the rare occasion that the both of you were in a positive headspace, the two of you laid, fully clothed, in a few basic sex positions. Not moving. Not touching. Not kissing. Purely keeping eye contact (where applicable), and just… talking. About your day, about house chores, about music or something that wasn't the vulnerable position the two of you were in.

Sometimes this was something done on the couch while watching a movie. If you both made it through the whole movie, without an anxiety or panic attack, you and Legato would go on a date to your favorite fancy sit down restaurant. The two of you would split a bottle of wine or some other fancy drink, and each have your favorite meal together.

If things end in panic attacks, love and aftercare is given, snacks are retrieved, and the experience is talked about. The two of you relax with a comfort show or movie to help you calm down from the experience. Neither of you let the experience be anything that stands between you, but rather an obstacle to be fought together.

That just means that someday, if… no, when the two of you can be tangled in each other, making sweet love til sunrise, you know the struggles will all have been worth it.

[vyuntspakhkite-l-darling]

May I ask you for some very ANGSTY things you like but don't see enough in backstories?

Oooh alr! This'll probably be all over the place but I'll try 💀 gonna place it all under the cut bc it's probably gonna have a bunch of diff triggers that I won't know how to tag so proceed carefully idk

medical trauma, like from a serious illness that the character struggled with prior to the story which even though they've physically recovered it affects them mentally

loss of a child or younger sibling, from any means but especially from an illness that got them slowly

or, related to the last one, the loss of a parent (or really any family member honestly) they were close with

injury that forces a character to stop doing an activity they once loved, bonus if that activity pulled them out of dark times before and meant a lot to them

or pretty much anything like the last one that sees a character's light in the darkness and pulls the blinds over it

sexual trauma that results in a reaction other than aversion to sex

characters that are forced to practice their religions in private because their environment either stigmatizes or outright condemns it

trauma from anything that we usually see resulting in over the top selflessness, but instead the character swings the other way into selfishness (for example an abusive relationship where a character's wants are always pushed to the side- usually I see those characters and up passive and with low self worth, but I want more characters that get out of that and go, I'm not going to let that happen again, they overcorrect and end up doing the same thing to people they're close to that their abuser did to them)

trauma from having a severe mental illness despite living in a fine environment, loving family, no particularly traumatic outside experiences besides, etc. People will go 'but nothing bad happened to you. Your mental illness is just in your head, you can't be traumatized from that' even though they definitely can be

characters who kept having people leave them and walk away from them in their past an instead of them ending up as someone who pushes people away and is like I can't get close to you you'll just leave or whatever, they go the other way and are always desperately trying to make connections

I've had a few of these on here so I'll just say it outright, I like seeing characters with unconventional reactions to trauma. Even if a certain traumatic event is common in backstories, there's a good chance that most of the characters that went through that are represented as having the more common or socially acceptable reaction, and while obviously there's nothing wrong with reacting that way, I want to see characters who have reactions that are uncommon or make them seem like bad people or seem counter-intuitive

[fairythingflies]

this was long overdue. plain text below

Hello. If you’re reading this, I am coming out to discuss a part of my life that I’ve hidden for a very long time–mostly out of fear and shame. I’m still afraid–but I will not be ashamed any longer. It’s so typical to say, “I didn’t want to make this statement,” but it’s gotten to the point where my loved ones are telling me that I have to do something. That silence will only cause further harm. 

Over the past four and a half years, I’ve endured an endless nightmare of abuse, stalking, and the resulting psychological trauma from a previous romantic partner. To many of you, this is probably a blindside–but the people close to me have witnessed the effects the whole time.

I’m not going to name the person who abused me today, because the last thing they need is harassment–no matter how vile you find their actions. I didn’t want to do this, but it’s gotten to a point where it feels necessary, for several reasons: 

The very real emotional harm of repressing my story for several years 

The harm that the stalking and harassment have caused me and others 

To, hopefully, show other survivors of sexual abuse, gaslighting, and stalking that they are not alone, they are not monsters, they are not crazy. 

This is my story. TW emotional and sexual abuse, gaslighting, stalking. 

In 2019, when I was 18 years old, I entered my first serious romantic relationship–and it was an extremely traumatic and abusive one. I’m not going to pretend I was a saint–I said and did a lot of stupid, hurtful things, on account of being a very inexperienced teenager, but I can also acknowledge now that I was abused. 

This person isolated me by trying to convince me my family was abusive and dangerous; additionally, whenever I tried to bring over my friends, they’d make me feel guilty, talking about how being around people I cared about was physically painful for them. 

And they assaulted me. Multiple times. They’d force themself on me when I was visibly distressed, and I once had to go to a doctor because of injuries they’d caused me. I don’t want to provide further details here, and I hope you don’t expect them. I have spent years replaying some of the most painful memories of my life in my head, and that already hurts enough. 

While dating this person, my mind suffered: I fell into psychosis, I had severe OCD attacks, I developed disordered eating… I was overall severely unwell. This caused me to lash out in ways I acknowledge were unfair and harmful, but this person continued to exacerbate my symptoms regardless, much of it through ableist acts that targeted these symptoms. 

As mentioned, I struggle with OCD, and this person would say things that triggered it, even after I told them they were triggers–for example, I’d be worried about bad things happening to them, such as illness, and they’d repeatedly say they’d be “lucky” to reach age 65 without dying. They’d hear about my religious obsessions (which during the abuse became full-on delusions due to mental duress), and play music they wrote about their own religious delusions. They claimed to be “worried” for me after the worst of the episode ended, so there’s no way they didn’t know what I was going through. They also scrutinized my very real fear responses, accusing me of being “happy” when strange men harassed us for being a visibly queer couple. 

In 2020, at age 19, I recognized that this relationship was doing more harm than good. I was out of town for a family event and able to talk to my family without them around, which helped me come to that revelation. I told my partner I wanted to talk about our relationship when I came home. They immediately publicly accused me of abusing them. This is where it all began: I tried to leave, and they retaliated. 

They’d gaslit me into thinking I was a terrible person for months, and this public explosion made me completely break down. I became hysterical–I replayed traumatic memories over and over, looking for any sign I misbehaved, and even when I came up with none, I remained dominated by fear–that it was somehow true, that I was abusive, that everyone would believe it, true or not. 

Worse, I believe people took screenshots of me venting to others in this incredibly vulnerable state and somehow sent them to my ex. At this time, I was in a strange city, spiralling out of control–I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, and I was completely detached from reality. I simultaneously believed everything and knew it was wrong. Until you’ve been in this kind of situation, I feel like it’s impossible to understand. 

I’ll own that I broke down and said some terrible things, ranging from spiteful to nonsensical. I am deeply sorry for it. I have spent years bettering myself on so many fronts to ensure I never have that kind of harmful episode again, but this outburst happened because of months of gaslighting and abuse, because the second I implied to this person that I wanted to end our relationship, they retaliated by dealing a massive blow to my already fragile mental state and trying to ruin my life. 

And they haven’t stopped. 

I am 23 years old now. There is nothing I want more than to leave this trauma behind, but recovery hasn’t been easy because the person who inflicted this pain has not left me alone. Since 2020 and as recently as this year, they’ve followed me and come after my career and relationships, usually by spreading misinformation about me in the form of “warnings” that I am “dangerous”–albeit with minimal success. I can think of exactly two times they lost me gigs–though the fact it’s happened at all is part of what moved me to come forward.

This is in no small part because of the simple fact that their allegations range from exaggerations to outright lies. I’d say about 80% of it is false, 15% is technically true but out of context or a product of serious mental duress, and 5% is actually true. 

Some of the lies are comical, with how easily disproven they are. There’s one where my ex randomly declared I live in a gated community… but I don’t. My house has a gate because we used to own dogs. There’s also the implication I was stalking them–it seems more like the other way around, with the way that they hunt down people who associate with me. I also remember once hearing I’d harmed an ex-girlfriend of mine with osteoarthritis… despite never dating anyone with osteoarthritis. Still, people who don’t know me might believe these things, as ridiculous as they are. 

Some of the lies may be based on genuine misunderstandings. For example, against my wishes, a relative called the police on my behalf when someone harassed me with a burner account that referenced my legal name. I will apologize for not trying harder to de-escalate the situation–I knew police were more than capable of making the situation worse–but I was not the instigator (as well as barely coherent at that point due to the stress).

Some of the lies, though, are downright disgusting. I resent, for example, the implication that I have lied about my ethnicity. I identify as white, but my grandmother is mixed Metis and I inherited her status long before I knew what that meant–though again, I identify and move through the world as a white person. It came up a few times in our relationship because I figured my grandmother would be able to help my ex-partner with accessing their own Indigenous status, if memory serves. But I digress. 

Additionally, the idea that I ever did anything without the explicit consent of this person is reprehensible–every single time we were intimate, I received either a verbal affirmative or some nonverbal gesture of consent such as leaning in for a kiss. Every. Single. Time. 

I won’t pretend it’s impossible I hurt them, but not in the way they are claiming. I apologize for any pain caused, and I mean that, but the scenes they describe simply did not happen. They tried to convince me they did, that I did terrible things, but I’ve forced myself to relive my time with them enough that I know I’m not the person they say I am. 

And for that 20% of things that are even a little bit true, I’ve been working on accountability and educating myself on everything I can–my emotional regulation issues and the thoughtless, harmful statements they brought about, for example, and handling my OCD better so my intrusive thoughts don’t hurt others as much as they hurt me. 

And yes, I read about consent. That’s how I realized that what my ex did to me was assault. It’s another part of why I’m coming forward–it’s a special kind of pain, coming to terms with the fact you were raped while a bunch of strangers think your rapist is the victim. 

I’ve written out several versions of this statement, some almost forty pages long. They contain the paper trail of sexual abuse counsellors I’ve seen, medical records from when my ex’s actions sent me to the clinic, and even years-old journal entries and conversations with friends where I discuss being assaulted in terrible, triggering detail. I still keep these things as reminders that what I experienced was real, because my worst fear is not being believed. 

I can’t reiterate this enough: I physically cannot get rid of graphic records of my assault because I’m scared of not being believed. I have spent years retraumatizing myself because of what my rapist has put me through. 

I’ve also spoken to other people who escaped abuse and were villainized by ex-partners, and I’m harrowed by how much of my own story I see in theirs. You really begin to question your reality, and you keep going back to these dark places and painful memories–and you analyze them, and recount them over and over, always recounting and documenting, so you remember them and believe yourself. 

I know “gaslighting” has become a meaningless buzzword to many, but it’s gaslighting that caused me to obsessively document and remember my abuse. No survivor should have to endure this. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

People watched me fall apart in real time. They might not have known the details, but they knew something very, very bad happened to me. I apologize to everyone who saw me in this state–I imagine it was upsetting. I’ve spent the last few years working very hard to recover and become a positive presence in the lives of others, and I really hope I’ve accomplished that. 

Allegedly my ex is receiving therapy for what I “did” to them. That’s great. I wasn’t perfect–and even though I didn’t actually do a vast majority of what they accuse me of, I see no reason why my ex shouldn’t get help if they’re hurting. 

Again, they consented to everything we did, either verbally or by initiating physical intimacy (i.e. kissing). I can’t say it’s impossible they were hurt, though, because people can be harmed by consensual interactions. I would know–I’ve been that person who was seriously hurt even though nobody actually did anything wrong. Trauma’s complicated like that, and sometimes there’s no perpetrator in the traditional sense. 

My abuser is a person with a lot of pain–and was long before they met me. If therapy keeps them from hurting another person how they hurt me, then that’s an inherently good thing. I used to hope they’d never touch anyone again, but maybe therapy means they won’t hurt the next person they pursue.

That said–they still assaulted me, and they are still, to my knowledge, stalking me and spreading false information. 

Honestly, I’m tired of them having such a major role in my life–and the idea of taking that power from them is part of what’s given me the courage to do this. 

On the off-chance they read these words, I’m going to be succinct: I know what you put me through. Don’t waste your time objecting or trying to tell me it was my fault. This is my story, not yours, and you’re the one person whose belief I don’t need. You raped me. You are a rapist. People saw what your abuse did to me. A body of evidence like this doesn’t come out of nowhere. I didn’t spontaneously develop PTSD. You did this. 

And even now, I’m sparing you–I could say who you are, contact people you work with. I could do what you tried to do to me, but it’d actually be true: I could share my medical records, diary entries, and testimonials from those who saw what this did to me. 

But I’m not. I’m giving you the chance to just leave me alone and be left alone. 

So, where does this leave us? I suppose it leaves me out in the open as a survivor of sexual assault, stalking, gaslighting, and so on. 

That is unbelievably terrifying. I keep telling myself that it’s worth it to be open, that maybe it’ll make other survivors feel less alone, but I’m afraid. 

I’m afraid people will make assumptions, victim-blame me, or somehow side with my rapist. I’m afraid this will change how friends, family, and acquaintances see me. I’m afraid of how my abuser could retaliate. I’m afraid that my community, the art scene that was so invaluable to my recovery, might not want anything to do with me anymore. 

Also, I’ve already gotten serious backlash as a survivor. 

So-called leftist/inclusive spaces have sided with my rapist. They’ve said they can’t work with me because of what they’ve “heard,” and when I tell them about the abuse/stalking and offer to show them evidence, including that paper trail of therapists and medical documents, they respond that they “lack the resources” to look at them and shut me down. 

I tell people I’m a rape victim, and they say they don’t have the “resources” to listen. They side with the person I’m telling them is a rapist.

What happened to “believe victims?” Is that only on a first-come, first-serve basis? 

I’ve also had to end personal relationships because of the victim-blaming I’ve endured. Former friends have said I “did this to myself.” People who I’d confided in, people who’d believed me, who’d seen evidence of my assault, said this. 

So, no, I really don’t want to come out as a survivor. 

This has been an unending nightmare for, more or less, my entire adult life. I am hoping that opening up will allow me to start recovery in earnest. 

My therapists over the years all agree I have PTSD–my doctor says it might even be C-PTSD. Regardless, I’m affected by this disorder every day: the nightmares, the emotional dysregulation, the constant sense I’m being watched, the lasting intrusive thoughts from my headspace in 2019, and so much more–it hurts beyond words. I’ll never know the person I would’ve been if I hadn’t been assaulted, and I mourn that every day. This trauma has cost me so much, especially in my personal life–not because anyone involved ever believed my ex, nobody who knows me ever has, but because my trauma has given me lasting trust issues, paranoia, and all these other symptoms that hinder relationships. 

I quite literally owe my life to those who have stayed with me and loved me throughout the years, and the treatment I have received. Especially those who have endured harassment from my abuser, because yes, that’s happened. 

I hope that by publicly addressing this, I can be supported by all of you, too. It’s been physically painful sharing this story–it literally took me months to write this–so I really hope it wasn’t for nothing. I hope the community I’ve found solace in can have my back when it really matters.

I don’t like asking for much from people, but I can’t make myself feel safe and believed alone. If you could share this story, that’d truly mean the world–and if you see my ex’s so-called “warning,” please report it. If you hear people sharing my abuser’s allegations, chime in with the truth. Quash rumours. I don’t know how many people my abuser’s reached, or how loud they’ve been shouting these past few years, but I hope we can be louder. 

If you have questions, I can try to answer them–whether you have concerns that I can debunk, or have experienced something similar and want to hear from someone who understands. 

It’s frightening to share this now, but I hope that in the future, this can be a story of a survivor being supported by their community, and escaping the spectres of their abuse. 

I hope I can make and share my art without being afraid again. I hope I can be known as a survivor. I hope I can be believed. 

All I ever wanted was to be believed. Thank you.