#which was my beef with first person POV writing

[not-krys]

52. Deep in Thought [Houki, Abby, Clara, Miri]

Welcome back, it's 2025 so it's back to the 100 Themes Challenge!

For this entry, I decided to give myself a little bit of a challenge. Over on bluesky, there was a creative challenge posted where you would challenge your technical skills for your craft, like, say you normally write in third person POV, to try and see if you could write in a first person POV, to use present tense if you've only used past tense, to try digital art if you've only done traditional previously, stuff like that.

Though I won't be taking part in the challenge officially (for now, it runs through February and March), I did want to test the waters of working on some of my technical skills, namely trying out first person POV since I rarely write in that POV.

For three of these entries, I wrote in First Person while one was a return to form with Third Person. It was fun to try out a POV style I hadn't written in for a long time and a nice little exercise to get my writing muscles working.

For the prompt itself, I did: -Houki's first encounter with Mitsunari's reading trance -Abby is dragged into singing for Mozart -Nokto is helping Clara become more acclimated to the royal life by helping her get used to ordering people around, using himself as her test dummy. -Diavolo asking Miri wants as her reward to winning the Devildom Studies award.

Raw, mostly unedited writing. A lot of fluff in these entries, but there are some spoilers. Clara's entry was inspired by the Obey Me event while Miri's is inspired by the last handful of the final lessons of Obey Me. Abby's thoughts are also a little self-deprecating, she just doesn't have a lot of confidence in herself and her thoughts are reflective of that in her entry.

------

Houki

The sound of a turning page was a familiar and comforting sound to Houki, a taste of home that she was away from currently. At least books were still the same here, she thought.

Houki had been tasked by Hideyoshi to bring something for Mitsunari to eat and drink. Since it was the middle of the day and he was in the middle of work, she brought along some flavored rice crackers that Masamune had made earlier along with some cool tea to combat the summer heat.

Much as she was loathed to disturb his work, Hideyoshi had been insistent. After a few knocks, however, she wondered if she had missed him. There was no other sounds other than fluttering paper. Perhaps some books had fallen open in his room and the breeze from open window was causing that sound?

She knocked once, twice, and a third time. No answer. Hideyoshi had insisted he would be here or he'd have said something about going out, she was sure.

"Lord Mitsunari?" she called. "Are you here?"

Still no answer.

The door was slightly ajar thanks to her knocking. Maybe she could leave her snacks and he would come back later? She could also right the fallen books so that they don't get tripped on when Mitsunari returns.

"Sorry for intruding." She nudged her foot into the door, sliding it open easily.

Once she was inside, she yelped in surprise, nearly spilling her tray on the floor.

"Lord Mitsunari!"

There he was, sitting on the floor with a book in his lap. His hand flipped casually to the next page, paying her no mind whatsoever despite her cry being anything but quiet.

Once her heart and breath had calmed, she looked at Mitsunari a second time, setting her tray on the floor.

"…Lord Mitsunari?" she said.

Even this close to him, he didn't respond. He seemed unaware of everything aside from his book.

Houki poked his shoulder with her finger. No response. She grasped his shoulder and shook it gently, as if she was trying to wake him. Nothing. She shook him a little harder, and a little harder, and a little harder until his head was bobbling. Nothing. She even pinched her own cheek to make sure she wasn't dreaming, which still hurt, so this wasn't a dream. She even pinched his and he didn't say or do anything.

How strange… and a little horrifying.

How long had he been like this? Was he sick? Should she go get someone? Lord Hideyoshi for sure! Maybe there was a doctor nearby? Lord Ieyasu? Well, he was often cantankerous around Mitsunari but surely he would help if there was something wrong with his fellow lord?

As if to answer her prayers, loud knocking against the door frame made her jump a second time.

"Yo, lass!" It was Lord Masamune, followed shortly by Lord Hideyoshi's exasperated sigh. "Heard you be here today!"

"Lord Masamune! Lord Hideyoshi!"

"Hey, what's wrong?" Hideyoshi asked, pushing past Masamune and kneeling beside the two of them.

"It's… it's Lord Mitsunari. He's not moving and he hasn't responded to me when I spoke to him."

Hideyoshi sighed a second time, more disgruntled than before.

"Not again…"

"…'Again?'"

"He sometimes gets like this when he gets too invested in what he's reading." Hideyoshi frowned. "Sorry you had to find him like this."

"So… this is …normal?"

"For him, yeah." Hideyoshi reached out and tugged on a stray strand of Mitsunari's grey hair, the other taking no notice of the action. "We haven't figured out why or how he slips into such a deep trance. He can be like this for hours."

"H-hours!?"

"Hideyoshi found him like this once when he'd also scared a few of the maids, then scolded him afterwards for not taking care of himself." Masamune grinned.

"We're trying not to encourage this behavior, especially when he worries people with it."

"Hey, Lass," Masamune ignored Hideyoshi, grabbing one of the flavored rice cakes, "wanna see a trick?"

"Masamune," Hideyoshi warned.

The Date Lord scooted closer to Mitsunari and held the little cake up to the younger lord's mouth. Houki was surprised a second time today when Mitsunari opened his mouth after a few seconds and took a bite out of the rice cake, chewed, then swallowed.

"Is he…?"

"Still out of it, I'm afraid." said Masamune, tugging on the same hair clump that Hideyoshi had, Mitsunari still not responding. "He'll eat or drink most things that's put near his mouth. Just be careful with your fingers as he might eat them too. Found that out the hard way."

"He's not a toy for your amusement." Hideyoshi said, rubbing his nose bridge.

"He'll also hold anything you put in his hand. I've seen Ieyasu stacking books on his head before, too." Masamune laughed.

"Really, all of you." Hideyoshi admonished.

"S-so!" Houki interrupted, "is there a way to… bring him back?"

"Sure there is!" Masamune said. "Take his glasses away or whatever book he's reading."

"It's really that simple?"

"It'd be real inconvenient if we couldn't bring him back, wouldn't it?" said Masamune. "Oh, when you feed him when he's like this, he knows if you try to get him to eat carrots."

"Carrots?"

"He hates them. No matter how you prepare them, he knows if you're trying to feed 'em to him. Cut up small, cooked, raw, or mushed into a paste with any spice you can throw at it, he just… knows. Me and Hideyoshi have tried it sooo many ways at this point."

"It is the strangest thing. Anything else he'll eat but carrots is where he draws the line." Hideyoshi said, putting his hand on the book Mitsunari was holding. "But you need a break."

With a swift tug, Hideyoshi pulled the book off of Mitsunari's lap and like magic, Mitsunari blinked and looked at his surroundings, as if he had been woken up from a deep sleep. His eyes scanned Hideyoshi's and Masamune's faces, finally settling on Houki's face and gently smiled.

"Oh, hello, everyone. It's nice to see all of you."

"Good morning, lad." Masamune grinned.

"Morning? But the sun is quite high for it to be morning. Had I fallen asleep?"

"In a way." Hideyoshi said. "You got caught up in your reading again. You should apologize to Houki as she found you first."

"Oh," Mitsunari's eyes widened, "My apologies, Lady Houki. To find me in such a state."

"You did give her a right scare, lad." Masamune laughed.

-------------

Abby

He was behind me. He was behind me again! The silence from the music room should have been my tip that something was up, but I thought he'd given up by now!

"You." His cold voice startled me, my hands squeezing the poor broom handle to the point of choking, it felt like.

Slowly, very slowly, I turned around to face Mozart, his arms crossed and his elegant brows furrowed. I think even his mole was judging me with the way he was staring.

"Y-yes?" Why did my voice have to come out like that!?

"Music room. Now."

What have I done to deserve this!?

My shoulders shook, feebly holding up my broom taller.

"I-I have chores to-"

"Do them later." Mozart was firm! "Tell Sebastian that I needed you for something."

"Y-yes, sir." I said meekly.

Mozart turned on his heel and headed back into the music room. I followed behind him, trying to keep my movements as quiet as I could. He's told me before that he thought I was loud, and, not wanting to irritate him further, I did my best to be silent. It was easy on the carpeted floor of the hallway, but marble floor of the music room, with no rugs to muffle sound? I felt exposed in a different sort of way, the green walls even feeling intimidating.

Mozart sat at the piano bench, an elegant piece made of white wood and gold accents, flipping out his coat tails to sit more comfortably.

"Leave your broom by the door."

I nodded, setting my once close companion against the door's frame, cradling it with my hands.

"Come closer."

I shuffled closer to the piano, my steps unbearably loud in this space. Was my heart as loud in this room as it was in my ears, I wondered. It wouldn't be surprising if Mozart said I was being loud again and it was my own racing heart he was hearing.

"You were singing the other day while you were cleaning in the room next door to the music room."

He could hear that!?

"S-sorry if I disturbed-"

"It was a song I wrote. Long ago."

His fingers glided gracefully across the keys, playing a familiar melody.

"Y-yes. An Chloë. You wrote it inspired by the poem, right?"

"Correct." He continued to play, seeming getting lost in thought. "Where did you learn it?"

"My auntie." I started, but corrected myself. "Well, one of her previous girlfriends taught it to me when I was young. She always sang it beautifully and I wanted to learn it too, despite knowing no German then."

She was nice, from what I remember of her, Auntie's German girlfriend. Father didn't like her and often got into arguments with Auntie over her. I was really young at the time, so I don't remember exactly what became of her, but I didn't see her after a time and I remembered missing her when she went away.

"Sing it again."

"E-excuse me?!" Say what now?

"Sing it." He repeated, starting the melody over as if it was looping, it was that smooth of a transition.

"I-"

He glanced back my way, as if to say he's not repeating it a third time.

With a brief pause in the music to signal my cue, I took a breath and closed my eyes, praying that whatever came out didn't sound like a screeching cat.

"Wenn die Lieb' aus deinen blauen, Hellen, offnen Augen sieht…"

It was as if a spell was taking over me, remembering a simpler time with Auntie and her German girlfriend at the time. I felt calmer. I know I was butchering the German pronunciation, horribly so, I'm sure. Mozart didn't stop playing though, nor did he say anything to correct me. I tapped my fingers against my leg to keep time, to keep from intruding on the song any more than I already was.

When the song ended, the room was deathly silent.

Mozart, for the first time I've seen him doing it, closed the lid across the keys and stood up.

"Ugh, noisy."

I froze and bit my lip. He was the one who asked (okay, he demanded!) that I come with him here, so  what was the point in-

Then, I heard it.

Applause.

One set of hands at first, then two, three, four more. The more clapping I heard, the redder my cheeks became.

"You're all lurking." Mozart said, irritated. "Move."

I caught eyes with Le Comte standing in the doorway, along with Napoleon, Vincent, Theo, Arthur, Issac, Dazai, and Sebastian all gathered behind him. Le Comte was the last to stop his clapping.

"My, what a lovely performance." He said, his entrance allowing the others to come into the music room as well. I could see the ends of Leonardo's overcoat sleeves sitting just off of the door, while Jean was leaning against the far window with his arms crossed in the hallway.

"You did well, Nunuche." Napoleon squeezed my shoulder, smiling proudly.

"Well, who knew our little dove could sing like that?" Arthur tapped my other shoulder while Theo ruffled my hair.

With all of the compliments I was receiving, my desire to crawl into a pit and hide for eternity grew. Mozart huffed as he stood at the doorway.

"Should have shut the door." he grumbled as we walked down the hallway, kicking Leonardo's coat sleeve out of his way.

--------------

Clara

If there was one thing that I could say about Clara, it's that she was quite cute when she wanted to be stubborn. I knew I was pushing her buttons, but I'd rather it be me pushing her than some stuffy courtier that decided to correct her. Sariel and Rio were kind to her (most times, one more forgiving, the other mothering), but she needs to learn how to act like a queen as will be her status soon. She needs to learn that giving orders was part of the royal life and that the other nobles will respect her more by acting above others, no matter her personal feelings on the matter.

Yet, I couldn't help but smile at how cute she looked, trying to make up orders to throw me off her tail. She'd spend a few moments deep in thought, likely thinking of what could be the most boring, mundane activity she could make me do, as though that would deter me.

Ever since I had found the legendary rainbow wine, she had gone into panic mode, thinking I had overworked myself and had been thinking of more banal requests, like help with her chores. Admittedly, finding the wine was a very difficult task, but, as a prince, I hadn't really experienced doing mundane things like chores, so it was a treat for me, experiencing something that was so normal to her but was new to me. Airing out her books was something I hadn't thought about doing before but now it made sense why her books always smelled fresh when I visited her house. Feeding her had been delightful, watching her face going from surprise, to confusion, to denial, to finally eating from my hand. Even wiping her face was pleasurable, feeling her cheeks warm under my fingers. She really is adorable.

The real challenge came later in the evening, when I spied her carrying a towel, her night clothes, a dressing gown, and a basket with a bottle of rose water and some soap.

She also spied me looking at her. I could already feel the corners of my mouth turning up.

"My lady--"

"No."

She's onto me, of course.

"I didn't even say anything."

"I know what you were thinking. And the answer is no."

"No to what?"

"No to helping me bathe."

"You were the one to suggest it."

"I didn't think you'd take it seriously."

"Well, I am taking it seriously." I walked closer to her, "I'm at your beck and call, remember?"

"That stupid game again..." she hissed under her breath, making me internally snicker. "Look, Nokto. You've been helpful all day and thank you for all your help."

"My pleasure."

"But I'm putting my foot down here. I can bathe by myself."

"I'm aware of that." I said, still following behind her.

"So why don't you go find something else to do?"

"I'm afraid I can't do that, lady."

"Why not?"

"Because I possibly can't refuse my lady when she's in need of my help."

"I. can. bathe. by. myself."

"I'm aware. I'm helping you out, however."

"And I said no and go find something else to do."

"I refuse."

"Nokto!"

I grinned.

"I'm a man of my word, my lady." I bowed. "You suggested that I help you in the bath and I'm here to do just that."

Clara flushed darkly.

"T-then, I want to give you an order."

"I'm all ears."

"I want-" she started, but was cut off by her back hitting the bathroom door.

"I didn't hear you, lady." I stood over her.

"Go and-"

I leaned in closer.

"Yes?"

She bit her lip, looking down. I brushed a loose hair behind her ear, making her visibly shiver.

"Let me help you in the bath, my lady."

She breathed in a quick breath.

"...No funny business. I really do need to wash my hair."

"Alright."

"And if I tell you to stop, you stop."

"Of course."

"Remember, nothing funny."

"None whatsoever."

She swallowed and I pulled on the doorknob, opening the door for her.

-----------------

Miri

I saw that Miri had sunken into the couch cushions of the common room, the light from the fireplace highlighting the dark circles under her eyes. Lucifer had finally awoken after several days of recovery, I had heard, but the nights have clearly worn down the small sorcerer. It reminded me of time before she had received the Ring of Light, when the life seemed drained out of her. It might have been better to talk to her once she had returned to RAD's campus in her own time, but the Science Committee was insistent and the school year was ending soon. This couldn't be put off much longer, regretfully.

With an encouraging smile and a heavy heart, I opened my arms towards her.

"Congratulations, Miri."

"Diavolo?"

"Asmodeus and Luke have informed everyone of Lucifer's recovery. I'm glad to hear that he's woken up."

"Thank you." she was quiet again, looking away.

"And I've heard that you've been declared the winner of the Devildom Studies division thanks to your efforts in redirecting the moon's course."

She was silent and I had realized my mistake too late. I cleared my throat.

"A-anyway! That's why I'm here, so we can discuss the specifics of your wish! You've earned it."

As if there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for Miri already, the human that could literally flip worlds on their heads. She's surely changed the Devildom for the better, I'm certain of that. Any wish she had I would have granted, contest or no. She has become special to everyone, an exemplary exchange student and sorcerer, a wonderful addition to RAD's student council, a precious friend, someone that I would like to-

"I… don't have a wish."

And she surprised me yet again! And with a lie, as well! She should have known better!

Hmm… perhaps she was more exhausted than I had anticipated?

"It doesn't have to be anything big, don't worry."

Maybe if I reassure her, she'll tell me? Perhaps she's embarrassed about her wish?

"Even small wishes are fine to ask for. A delicious meal? Perhaps a nice vacation to the Human Realm? You and the brothers can relax on the coast of a private island! Any book or clothing you desire?"

I would give her all those things and more even if she doesn't ask for them. She deserves to have any happiness I can give to her and more.

Still, she seemed deep in thought, her hand cradling her chin.

"What if… it wasn't a small wish?"

"What do you mean?"

"What if I… never mind…" she shook her head.

"Please, tell me, Miri."

"…It's silly."

Stepping closer to her, I knelt down so I could meet her at her eye level.

"I had already given my word that I would grant any wish that came out of this contest, big or small. You've already moved worlds with your own powers. Now, I would like to do the same for you, if you ask it of me."

She fidgeted, her small hand reaching out for mine, but stopping midway.

"You said… anything within your power, you'll do?"

"Yes."

"And… if it's outside of your scope of power?"

What was she getting at?

She released a breath.

"Remember… when everyone went to the Human Realm for a vacation?"

"I do. Fondly."

Miri had been getting her sorcerer's license at the time. I smiled as memories surfaced of amusement parks, brief kidnappings, karaoke, and haunted hotel rooms. What a time that was!

Miri wasn't smiling, however.

"It was after I had passed all my tests. We were celebrating and had all gathered together and…"

Wait, I know where this is going…

"You had said at the time that… there was still a lot of bad blood between the three realms. And I know that there's still a lot of that, even now."

Holding her elbow, she continued.

"I'll understand if it's still not within your power, but… as for my wish, I… I want to live in Devildom. Permanently."

My heart swelled and dropped at the same time. What she was asking me was in my power, of course, but as I had told her before, the bad blood between the three realms would make her wish difficult to accomplish, else I would have swept her up and kept her at the castle ages ago.

"I feel like… I belong here. My family is here." She said sincerely. "And I know that the demon nobility won't like it any more than the higher ups in the Celestial Realm will. Always have to keep things fair for everyone…"

Her tiny hands clenched tightly, her knuckles pale.

"But… I guess I'm a little tired of everyone telling me things have to be a certain way. That it has to always be a certain way."

I agreed with her. Times were changing whether the old blood liked it or not. Demons and angels weren't at war anymore. Humans were proving to be quite capable in befriending both, as Miri has proven in her time in Devildom.

Still, change was going to be hard pill to swallow for some, we both knew that.

"As I told you before, it is within my power to grant your wish. You've made me incredibly happy in wanting to make Devildom your permanent home. But your wish, as you said, will be incredibly difficult to accomplish, given the current political climate between the three realms."

"I understand."

"And I will warn you that you and the brothers might come under fire because of this decision, from both sides. Are you sure you want that to happen?"

Miri was quiet again, the frown evident. It was a little harsh but it was something to consider. I knew Miri wouldn't think twice about her own safety, but when it comes to the brothers? She wouldn't bring them under scrutiny if she could help it.

"What's this about me and my brothers coming under fire?" a deep familiar voice said in the hallway, shoes clicking as they came closer.

"Lucifer." Miri said quietly.

"Lucifer! Glad to see you up and about." I said, standing up.

Lucifer nodded in acknowledgement, placing a hand on Miri's shoulder, lightly squeezing it.

"I heard you two talking." he said.

"Yes, about Miri's wish. She won the Studies division of the Devildom Science Fair."

"Hmm." Lucifer said.

"She's telling me about how she wants to make the Devildom her permanent home."

"I see."

"And we were just about to get into the schematics of how to make that happen. It won't be easy, I'm sure you're aware."

"I'm aware. It's a different process compared to when my brothers and I first appeared here."

"Thank goodness for that!" I laughed.

[deesseshesca]

PAC : Letter from your pregnant self (HIS POV) 18+

I got beef with men but ... what else is new ?

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PILE 1

MY BEEF...any way thank you so much for coming through. Girl you better like it, he got me working fucking overtime. Actually all of them did ...

(LINK TO YOUR READING ... YES IT IS FREE AND ON TUMBLR ... MERRY CHRISMAS)

PILE 2 

Both of y’all are only child that were raised to be anxious over achiever. Parents are never there. I keep hearing : ‘’Super rich kids with nothing but loose ends. Super rich with nothing but fake friends…’’

Letter suppose to be for you but instead he wrote it for your baby.

Dear Lucetta (Various ethereal ‘’L’’ name came through. Other name that came through : Lysandra, Lysianne and Lucretia) 

Daddy messed up (This man is bawling. I mean breakdown and everything. He tries to be strong but for the sec that he admits that, tears are overflowing. If he was actually writing the letter they would be teardrop on the letter). Daddy is nothing but an asshole. I should not write this right … Your mama is going to get mad when she realizes how I butcher your vocabulary (yellow laugh ( french : rire jaune) … idk how to explain it in english). Fuck … You deserve a fucking good letter. That’s the least I can fucking do … yeah that’s the least I can do. Mama decorate your room like the royalty you are meant to be. The tapestry tailored in Spain in an accent of gold and soft pink are all over the walls. Made sure to ask the maid to polish the wooden floor until she can see herself in it. She actually sent me in here to check the oxygen cleanliness of your room. First wtf is air cleanliness. Second when the fuck did they created a damm machine for that shit. Lastly, you are not even there … Sorry baby … I love you more than anything but your mama is gone mad with the way she’s preparing for you. I never understood when  my poor friends complain about rich people's spending habits.  Now I am standing in the room section reserved for your room oxygen. I can help but run a hand in my hair and agree. (Another yellow laugh (rire jaune) before falling down on his knees and crying. Give him a couple minute y’all he needs to catch his breath … ) You're going to cost me so much baby. I never care for my trust fund, finances or even money but I am asking the family accountant to come to me first thing in the morning for the 4th this month. I hope I have enough money ( and for some of y’all … gold … liquid gold …iykyk). I know Mr. (His dad's name) has enough money in the bank but maybe is not enough. Maybe you need more than the couple millions we have. Maybe you need more than the properties we own. Maybe you need fucking more than an oxygen regulator machine. Maybe you need a whole lung doctor. Yes… you  need a nutritionist, a child psychologist … Does the baby have a tutor ? Fuck you need it. Baby just said and daddy will get it. You understand everything you want daddy get. You want a hug, a kiss, for me to count all the stars in the sky to describe how much he loves … done. You need me to buy the moon for you … done. You need me to resurrect  Leonardo Devinci so he can paint you in all your glory … done. There’s nothing I would not give to you but the thing that makes my heart ache is the way I crave intimacy with you. Can’t wait to hold you in my hands. Can’t wait to touch your littles toes. Can’t wait to see your lips pout like your mama when she is done with my mess. Can’t wait to see you grow. I promise princess I will never make second ever again. I will go to every parent meeting at school, bringing you to all your ballet, opera, harp, fencing, horse ridding whatever fucking classes your mom has for you; I will never miss your school competition and I will listen to all your house show you will produce to show yourself off. I don’t care if I am in a meeting, I will always have time for you. I will always have time to remind you how much I love you, how pretty you are, how much you matter and how much of a blessing you are just because you are. Yes… just because is you,  baby. Forgive daddy please. I know I am not in a position to ask you for anything especially after giving up on you for so long but if you don’t make it out of the NICU … mommy may never make it out. We both made her suffer enough. 

Please baby (damm he's whimpering in pain, choking on tears) stay with us. 

YOUR DADDY. 

Don’t worry you are not dead or close to it ( in the physical form at least …), you are being monitored at the hospital. I am getting traumatic labor (I should do a PAC about it) not because of pain but because of blood. You may have not lost your water but blood. I see you laughing at some joke the father of your baby did. Not a single care in the world. Girl your hair is perfect, if you have a Dyson and are working to perfect your blowout … just so you know you are the blowout queen in a couple years. Skin glowing, you look so pretty pregnant. That baby was really the blessing that changed your life forever. You are wearing a 2 piece white set … boom blood. You touch and look at your man. I keep hearing : ‘’ nononono … that can’t be it. (HIS NAME !) It can’t be … my baby. 

This whole letter  has nothing to do with the cards so let’s dive … shall we ? (Intuition took over …)

First you guys were both extremely hardworking workers. Never had time ( and also if I may … never learn ) to create deep bonds. I see both people living in their own penthouse. Yours has more of a Victorian look and his is more modern. You may have a white cat. 

You met at the work gala. I see 2 people look at each and accept y’all fate. 

You start fucking. The deal was perfect. He needed a woman that was not going to get attached to his riches. You needed a man that’s not trying to fix your cold heart. 

I see y’all literally planning to have sex like it’s a meeting … I think y’all use it to blow some steam annoyed by your empty life, useless parents and annoying coworkers. 

At first just fucking, no aftercare, clothe back on and on the go. Then he cracks a joke and you giggle which makes you stay 5 minutes longer. Then he charms you while cooking dinner for you before you leave. Then you spend more and more time together… Now he grabs you a snack and y’all always watch a kid show. He complains about how dumb the character is but you enjoy the deep dive he’s doing without even realizing it. 

You are not wrong, there's a lot of things he doesn't realize. He doesn't realize how much he craves connection. He doesn't realize how much he craves intimacy with you. When asked why ? Is it because you allow him to be ( do you realize the synchrony with the letter … anyway sometime my psychic surprise me 2 girl) 

You took the pregnancy test together and he joke on the fact it was getting terminated and not to stress so much but a light a hope awaken in your  heart for the first in soooo fucking long but you brush it off and went on the same page as him. Not because of him but because ‘’ you the fuck has time for a kid anyway’’ (your word not mine). 

Then you heard the baby's heartbeat and you cut all contact with him. Someday at the beginning of your second trimester you text him paragraphs upon paragraph on how you kept the baby, how it was never to hurt him, but for the first time in your life you felt hope and it felt like you needed to hold on to it. That you don’t know how but you are going to make it. 

He will villainize you and block you. One of your close friend is going to send them drunk voice memo in the middle of the third semester announcing him is a girl between cursing the fuck out. WAKE UP CALL FOR MISTER. 

He comes back the same day you threw your private luxurious baby shower. 

Some of y’all are Italian 

He has a no relationship with his parents and refuses 2. Calling them by their first name while you still seek love from them. 

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PILE 3

Dear Red (y’all call each other by colors so anything can fit, just took that one because it came through first) , 

You are resplendent. I know you think I am exaggerating. Or maybe you think I am only talking this sweet because everything is new ( I just heard : ‘’ The talk is cheap …’’ Lol this one is sassy) but baby I can put my hand the fire that I would still go that hard for you in 30 years when you boobs going to sag, your face will wrinkles from all the time I am going to make you laugh and you have grey hair just like mine ( You : YAH! Stop that in 30 years we are not going to be this old … you dumb fuck. I swear too God this fucking skincare better work. You better stop being goofy .. I want to be a MILF. You know, that is one of my life goals … GIRL YOU BETTER TELL HIM; Me: (choking on my laugh) Now… Why am I getting yelled at ?). Can’t never forget when I saw your sexy ass that day at the beach. I did not think … yeah I can’t wait to fuck it and make her yell my name (ok can’t lie it was my very next thought) nahhh, baby I was hook by the way the sun was making your skin glow. The tattoo on your body is a telling story before my eyes but you know I never wear my damm glasses so I could not read it. Anyway the way your hair flows gracefully with the wind, the way your eyes light up basking in the sun. I knew I had to get a lil mama number. When I first hear your voice … it made me breathless (should have asked for your asthma pump but I did not know you like that at that time but that shows you how much I was starstruck … Almost I had my first asthma attack- You: BABY stop telling my damm business to this lady). Your words, your tone, the way you move with so much elegance … I just knew I hit the jackpot. I would be damm to let you go. I am so proud of having you as mine. I love spending time with you, I love spending money on you, I love kissing you, I love leaving hickeys on you, I love holding your hands, I love texting you, I love making stupid edits of us (Me : the 2014 couple edit … girl … I can’t … you boy is making me cry of laughter). I know everything happens so quickly but you know how you explain me that life is like a book with crystals and your cards with little drawing on it, ( Me : Byeeee I can't, he is trying to explain crystals and tarot cards; Him: Honestly I don’t know about all that … I love hearing her talk about it. I love hearing her talk when she’s excited. I love her voice. The perfect candidate for yap session) anyway my inner child feels so safe and alive with you. I know you feel the same baby girl. Everything is working so effortlessly that must mean we are manifesting something good ( Me : LOL ! He’s talking about the law of attraction). My mom did not even get mad when I announced to her that I got you pregnant (You : Duh she loves me stoopid). You parents loved the fact that we found each other and your dad is as eager as me to formalize our union. Honestly I would marry you anywhere at any time. I told  you from the beginning that you will be my wife and I meant it but I know you want something bigger and so  it’s going to have to wait. That doesn't mean I can’t surprise you with an engagement ring. Standing here with a small group of men allowed to the baby shower, I can’t help but look at you. Your skin tight black dress exposing your full breast and the slide on it showing off your thick thighs. The smile on your face while you act ratchet with your friends ( Him: Damm babe I did not know you could still throw it in a circle 8 months pregnant … you better not say you are tired tonight. I got a plan for both of us) letting yourself go not a single care in the world. This is how I want you to be forever. Not a single care in the world, always full of joy and love and helping you achieve all your goals. Baby I know, it was quick but I swear it is only the beginning of the most beautiful love story. I am going to work hard until my last breath to keep the spark going. 

YOUR ONE AND ONLY MAN 

HIM 

Again wtf is wrong with those men. At first they did not want to work with me … now they are good ? To the point of making me over work …smh.

Yes, you guess it … it was an intuitive letter now let’s get into the card. 

First I am getting PLUS SIZE ! Yes, very thick and curvy women.  Now I understand why I wanted to write a bigger butt earlier … your man loves the curves baby. That’s does not mean is a fucking fetiche. Like if it is affecting health is going to ask you to fix it. News flash loser fat people can have an active life and still be fat. He never forces you to achieve any kind of weird kink. 

Y’all may be giving yourself too easily to men. I am getting that since they only see you for your body. You prefer existing than being invisible (like when you were child, some of y'all have been big since childhood. You were not really bullied but very ignored. People were ashamed to associate with you). Right now I see you are at the beginning of your elf love journey. You are making healthy food choices, spending time mastering a hobby : crystal, tarot, knitting or some other heels dancing. YOU GO GIRL ! Regarding men you still give yourself easily, some even tell you they don’t like you. They just fuck you because you are easy. You accept it and let them take you to pound town anyway. 

This man is going to help you tremendously in your self love journey … you have no fucking idea. You are going to glow more, stop eating your feelings, love yourself, have boundaries with your environment ( idk when the world decides that we have to give less respect to rounder people but anyways …), you will dress more provocatively and wear way more colors. Speak your mind more and be confident in yourself. 

Baby say goodbye to boring sex and say hello to sex toys. Rejoice, babe rejoice you deserve it. Let me tell you something he is pleasure dom … Girl he's going to make you orgasm like it is a damm sport. You better hold on because the night is going to be long. Pussy swollen from overstimulation, ass hurting from spanking and hickeys everywhere. Not him having the audacity to ask you to ride him after all that … anyways chile let me go. 

He gets so hard whenever you talk about spirituality. If you are witch prank by performing some sex magick on him, this man would be sooo proud to be your little helper while you are doing some spell.

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PILE 4 

Judgement (reverse), King pentacles, 4 wands (reverse), page of cups (reverse) 

I put the card because I want to show that I actually try to do the reading at first but the energy aint it. Somebody had an awful pregnancy especially because of an awful baby daddy. Like he dragged you to the filth, made you cry and cheated on you. Even gave you an STD for some of y’all. Since than he calm the fuck down. He tries to come through like a nicer person  but he made sure to make me understand he doesn't love you so I don't want him. I ain't wasting my time for something he can text. Then his younger self came through … boy bye with your filthy energy. 

So I kept trying because I had to feed you guys … Then your future husband came through but you were still not pregnant so … it was kind of useless for me … But then I understood that y’all are actively trying and that's good enough for me. 

No cards … straight intuition ( I don’t  want this filthy energy to come through again) 

Dear Малышка, Солнышко, Киса (ain't going to lie … I google the most popular and line it up. He ain't going to call you all that. Also I am really getting eastern Europe and I know they all have their own language but most of them somehow got colonized by Russia in some way shape or form. But if he’s from Poland then he will use his language. He’s from Lithuania, he will use his language … You catch the drift) 

(before we get into anything … thick, thick accent), fuck I want you. I need you. Like all the time. You ain’t make it easy for me Малышка. One day you welcome me home with a long white robe, hair in a perfect intricate bun and makeup a bit oily. That's how I know our kid did not let you rest. You only had  time to take away your clothes before you had to jump in mommy mode. Other times you tease me by sending me pictures of the lingerie and perfume you are wearing. Swear I hate the fact that I start work so early and finish so late. Oh let me not forget when you took a picture with my computer of you in your favorite brown set. The number of times you give me a blue ball should be illegal. Don’t even get me started when we were invited to the gala, you look so breathtaking … anyways you already know all that. Being a man's desire never was a foreign concept but being in love was one I had to teach you. Every day I rejoice with the idea of spending a whole lifetime loving you and our little bundle of energy. She/He never stops … just like her/his mommy. It took me a while to win over her/his heart. She/He is so protective of your heart. Almost as if he/she everyone in your heart aches when carrying him/her. That’s ok now we are 2 trying to protect you, can’t wait to be 3 humans to love on you. Until then here is the money for the new makeup you wanted to try. 

Love you Малышка. 

LOL ! I swear your future man has some sense of humor. I said the other one he could text you is lame nice word this one came through as a text. 

Also some of you may think he is super old … nah he is around your age. Babe get out the damn book there’s handsome Slavic men your age range in the real world. 

Anyways this man has tattoos and loves metal and goth music. He has moneyyy. I just don’t know the capacity but enough to put you in a luxurious condo and fund your influencer career. 

Lol … I see some of y’all cringing. I don’t think you will do couple content, actually you keep your life extremely private … The only thing people know is the diamond on your finger. I am getting more skincare and makeup content creators. You have a boudoir (beauty room/content room) that’s all we see. When I channeled him, I saw you receiving his message while getting ready to film some content. At that time in your life you are still juggling a 9to5. I mean girl, you are doing it all ! Mommy, corporate baddie, content creator and trophy wife. 

He has a rather dark aesthetic unlike you. You have a quite cute, pink aesthetic but love hardcore metal and goth. 

He came through while I played my NIRVANA playlist.

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[nolita-fairytale]

still into you | carmen 'carmy' berzatto x fem!reader | chapter one: thursday

summary: you, syd, marcus, and carmy return to where it all began: new york city, prompting you and carmy to think a lot about your past... and your future together. (four part series | follow-up to 'make my heart surrender)

warnings: lots of swearing, tooth-rotting fluff, use of she/her pronouns, the lightest of smut, no use of y/n, second person pov

word count: 5k

listen to: 91 - bleachers | now i'm in it - haim | bewitched, bothered, and bewildered - ella fitzgerald (playlist here)

a/n: re: the poll -- yall really said 'let this man be happy please!' and i love that for us. if you voted for the other fic, i want to reassure you that i will be writing that one right after this! please enjoy all of the fluff and joy of this four chapter fic. i also feel like i potentially robbed us of a smut scene so... anyone interested in a bonus smut scene as a companion to this chapter?

Thursday 

“Alright, guys. We only have a few hours to get our day one prep done. I’ve outlined a schedule for today so that we’re as efficient as possible. Tomorrow’s gotta go smooth, alright?” Carmy instructs, laying out the day. 

You listen intently, marveling at your boyfriend in-action. He’s so fearless when he’s in his element, and being back in New York just seems to bring back all the memories of how you met. It’s like you’re twenty seven again, huddling up for a pre-shift meeting, led by recently-promoted wunderkind CDC, Carmen Berzatto. 

Only, you’re not twenty seven anymore and Carmy is the love of your life. 

“I’m gonna start with the mise for our beef dish, so Syd, can you get working on our signature veal stock? I think we should work with one in the pressure cooker just in case we get short on time and have a back up,” Carmy directs, an intense determination filling his eyes. 

He looks from Sydney to Marcus, before continuing his orders. 

“Marcus, I need you to start on the ice cream today, chef. I ordered us some liquid nitrogen if we need to make more on the fly, but I’d really prefer not to.”

And then it’s your turn, and boy, do you love to watch him work. You have to fight the corners of your lips from curling into a broad grin because you know now is not the time. 

“And lastly, I’m gonna have you work on the pasta. My goal is for us to get all of the agnolotti assembled today, so I’ll jump in when I wrap up with my mise to help you with that, yeah?”

“Heard,” the three of you answer in unison. 

Everyone’s got their game faces on because this is a big deal. 

The biggest, actually. 

Representing The Bear at the James Beard House is more than a big deal – it’s an honor. Only a handful of chefs get invited to cook here per year, and after a little fancy footwork in terms of scheduling, the four of you were finally able to agree on a date with the famous organization. You’re more than elated to be a part of the team, even if you aren’t working at The Bear anymore. 

The four of you quickly busy yourselves with setting up your stations. You only have a few hours to accomplish a whole lot of prep, and the pressure sits heavily on each of your shoulders. Tickets to the dinner had sold out within the first hour, which, after all the press, accolades, and media attention the restaurant had earned over the last few years, hadn’t been a huge surprise.

“Think you can keep up, chef? Don’t tell me you’re gettin’ rusty on me,” Marcus quips, already starting the playful trash talking early.

You let out a laugh, before challenging him in jest.

“Damn, Marcus. Hasn’t been that long. Bet I can still kick your ass on a ‘beat the clock’ mise, chef.”

“Oooooh. Shots fired,” Sydney calls out, joining in on your friendly banter.

“Challenge accepted,” Marcus shoots back, almost instantly. 

And then you’re scrambling to get as many prep containers and a kitchen scale, as you race your friend and mentee, all in good fun. 

You’ve missed this. 

It’s only been a few months since you started your new job – a culinary education director at a startup intent on building more sustainable food systems. While your heart would always be at the restaurant, you’d been ready to take on new challenges. The salary pay and benefits didn’t hurt either. You were happy taking a grown-up job, craving a little more stability and normalcy – and so that you and Carmy could stop paying out the ass for health insurance. Besides, you were still working with food. It just looked… well, a lotta different these days. 

You’ve missed the fast pace of the kitchen, your people, and Carmy’s desire for excellence, but it’s not like those things have left your life either. You still have them. 

After you’d left the restaurant, Marcus had taken over as the head pastry chef. In the last few months, you’ve watched him mentor and inspire a new group of wide-eyed, green, chefs-in-the-making, which had made you prouder than you’d ever have the words for. 

You can smell the sharp-allium scent of onions, as Syd quarters them for her stock, and while you have several cartons of eggs and 00 flour, Marcus has gathered all the milk that you’d just purchased for today’s prep.

“Behind,” Carmy says. He passes you by with a few 5 qt storage containers stacked, as he hugs them to his body with one arm. 

You feel his other hand place the gentlest touch on the small of your back as he leans in and whispers in your ear, “It’s good to have you back, chef.” 

You smile, turning your head just enough to lean back to look at him. 

“It’s good to be back, chef.” 

He presses the gentlest, slow kiss to your lips, and it feels like time stops for a moment. As he pulls away from you, there’s a small smirk on his face as Sydney shouts, “Oh get a room, you two!” 

“If we had the time…” he murmurs quietly, planting one more soft peck onto your lips. His face is still only inches away from yours. You giggle in response, the tender moment filling your heart with warmth. 

“Speaking of time… I just bought Marcus a head start,” Carmy teases, your jaw dropping as soon as you realize what he’s doing. 

You pull away from him, your head snapping towards Marcus’ direction to see that he’s already filled a 5 qt container to its capacity with one portion of the milk. 

“Seriously? Damn it, Carmy!” you cry out, shaking your head. “This is sabotage!”

You hear Marcus laugh in the background and as Carmy walks away with a cheeky feeling of accomplishment. You shake your head in disbelief. 

“Sorry, babe. You can deal with a little hazing, yeah? Since you’ve been gone for so long. Gotta give my guy a head start. ‘S only fair.” 

“You’re such a dick,” you scowl, scrambling to catch up. 

Oh it is so on. 

*

By the time you’re done with your day one prep, the four of you head to the hotel. Luckily, it’s only a five minute walk away, and you’re grateful that the James Beard Foundation chose to partner with one so close. The four of you pull your suitcases down the streets of Greenwich Village, before arriving at the luxurious, vintage-inspired hotel. 

You’re eager to get up to your room, as you haven’t had a shower, nor a time to take a break since you all arrived. 

“Woah…” Carmy says, his brilliant blue eyes scanning the high end hotel room. “You sure we can afford this?” 

You chuckle, “I think uh… they have a partnership with the James Beard Foundation, which is the only way I can answer your question with a ‘yes’ without having to tell you that we have to sell an arm, a leg, and our first born.” 

He shoots a half smile in your direction before letting out a whistle as he looks around. The floor to ceiling windows feel way outside of anything you could afford, as Carmy spots the French doors that lead right out onto a terrace. As you continue to explore the rest of the room, you spot a huge tub in the bathroom – something you’re very eager to take advantage of. 

“Power nap?” you ask Carmy, setting down your suitcase in the middle of the room. 

You’ll put your things away later.

“Fuck yeah,” he agrees eagerly.

You’ve barely put your book bag down before you’re both stripping off your jeans and climbing into the perfectly made hotel bed. After spending the morning traveling, you, Sydney, Marcus, and Carmy had gotten off the plane at JFK and gone straight to the James Beard House in Greenwich. Not only had Carmy been antsy to see the kitchen and get a head start on prep, you hadn’t been able to check into your hotel till this afternoon. You’re both spent, and you know that Carmy’s been running himself ragged preparing for this once in a lifetime opportunity. He hasn’t been sleeping all that well either– his thoughts consumed with nailing down the perfect menu, while paralyzed with indecision.

His quest for perfection had made him irritable over the last few days. You could see that the pressure was getting to him. His appetite was down, he was picking fights with you about small, unnecessary things at home, and pushing Sydney (sometimes a little too hard) at the restaurant. 

But today, he seems a little more in control of his feelings, and it puts him a little more at ease now that you’re finally in New York. He knows he’s been driving you crazy all week, and now that you’re all here, he’s hoping he can relax a little. 

Now that you’re here, in the city. 

Now that the dinner is only a day and a half away. 

You’re hoping he’ll slow down at some point too – give himself a little time to enjoy how big of an accomplishment this is. At least by the end of the weekend. Frankly, you’re glad you’ll have Saturday to enjoy the city without any pressure. 

For all of your sakes. 

You’re surprised that Carmy falls asleep with you during your late afternoon nap. He’s been so wired, so high strung lately, but you’ve just been waiting for him to come back down. Now that it seems like he is, there’s no way in hell you’re going to wake him up. You’re curled up together when you wake, your back pressed against his chest, his arms enveloping you. It feels almost impossible to pry yourself out of his arms without waking him up, but his deep slumber confirms your suspicions and you’re more than willing to let him continue sleeping. It takes a few tries to slip out of his embrace, but you do, and it’s off to the bathroom to get ready for dinner.

You try to make as little noise as possible, but by the time you're out of the shower, and your hair has been blown dry, Carmy’s up. You can hear the hotel TV on as you exit the bathroom and see he’s put his jeans back on. He’s perched on the edge of the bed, still rubbing the sleep from his eyes. You notice that the dark circles under his eyes that have accumulated over the years seem to sit heavier this week, as his eyes flicker over towards you.

“Damn, my girl’s got style,” he compliments, checking out your all black-ensemble. “We really are back in New York, huh?”

You nod, grinning at his sweet compliment, as you sit down to slip your white sneakers on. 

“You meetin’ up with Liz and Maya tonight?” he asks you. 

“Yeah. Syd’s gonna join for a bit before her thing. She should uh… be here any minute, actually.” You begin tying up the shoelaces of one of your shoes, before slipping the other one on. 

“You sure you don’t want to come?”

“Nah I-, I'll see ‘em tomorrow right? But tell ‘em I say ‘hello’.”

“Of course. I think they’re both really looking forward to seeing you.”

You check the time on your phone making sure you have enough time, before you make your way to where Carmy sits on the edge of the bed. 

“What’re you going to do tonight?” you ask, curiously, stopping so that your body is right in front of his. 

“Well Marcus is staging at per se so… I’ll probably just hang out. Order room service or pick up a sandwich across the street. I wanna run through all this shit so tomorrow goes as well as it can,” Carmy answers, waving his notebook at you. 

He’s like a man possessed, but it’s one of the many reasons you love him. You pull the notebook out of his hands tossing it somewhere on the bed behind you. You place your knees on each side of his hips, before settling down on top of him. 

“Think you can relax a little tonight?”

He pulls you in, his arms moving over your hips. Carmy leans in, placing a small kiss against your glossy lips. 

“Think you can help me with that?”

You giggle in response, twisting your fingers into the curls at the nape of his neck.

“I think… that could be arranged.”

Before anything too spicy can happen, there’s a knock at the door and you know it’s Syd. Carmy groans as you pull away, falling back onto the bed with a sigh of defeat. You climb off of him, heading to answer the door. 

“Hey, you ready?” Sydney asks, as you greet her. 

“Yeah, let me just grab my phone,” you reply, stepping aside to let her in. 

As she enters the hotel room, Carmy’s sitting up. With his feet planted firmly on the ground, he leans over, resting his forearms on his legs as he runs a hand through his messy curls. 

Sydney looks from you to a somewhat pouty Carmy, as if she knows she interrupted something. 

“Staying in tonight, Carm?” she asks him, as you gather your things. 

“Yeah,” he grumbles, and you can’t help but notice how tired he looks. 

Sydney rolls her eyes in response, “Don’t worry. I’ll have her back by nine.”

“Alright, I’m ready,” you say with a smile as you address Sydney. 

“You guys have fun,” Carmy nods, with a half assed wave.

“Don’t work too hard, boss,” Sydney adds, as the two of you turn to leave. “Oh and Carmy. You’ve got a little…” She gestures towards the lipstick you’ve left on his face. 

You laugh in response, and as you close the door, Carmy can hear Sydney’s ‘oh my god, you two are like rabbits’ comment in the distance. 

Carmy allows himself to fall back on the bed, reaching above his head to grab his notebook again. He’s honestly grateful to have a night to himself. He’s never been much for going out, or big social events, so having a night in feels like a good kind of calm before the storm – especially because the next few days will be full of social interactions. He’d always found New York City a little overstimulating. 

Between the dinner and the reception on Saturday, Carmy felt like he was collapsing under the enormous pressure – his only out being excellence. It’s not just the fact that being invited to cook at the James Beard house was a once in a lifetime opportunity, but there’s important business to announce here too. And then there’s the social aspect of it all, and he can’t help but feel like there are high expectations: from the food world, his reputation, your old friends from New York. And he wants to make everyone happy – he wants to impress them all. 

Something about being back here, and being back here with you, has him caught up in his head about it all. This is where you’d met. It’s also where he’d been at his lowest – right before Mikey died. So much has changed, and Carmy feels too large for his old battlefield.

Because that’s what it had been for him: a battlefield. 

A battle for his mental health, to rise to the top of the New York City fine dining scene, fighting with his feelings for you. 

Over the last two years, he had learned that he didn’t have to fight every single damn day. Some days he could just… be – be himself, whatever the fuck that meant, be a friend, and be with you. It felt strange – familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. Being back here makes him somehow feel like the total loser he was six years ago when he first arrived in NYC… and a completely different person at the same time. 

While he was over the moon when he got the call from the James Beard Foundation, he also couldn’t fight this uncomfortable feeling that’s been sitting in his stomach all week long. Carmy had never quite been able to come to terms with the whole ‘celebrity’ aspect of the food world. He knew what he could do in the kitchen. That was unquestionable. But the rest of it – the networking, the celebrity chef circles – was the part he felt most unsure about.

Ever since Sydney’s Rising Star win, he’d let her take center stage with her rising visibility in the culinary world. Actually, he’d been grateful that she was so good at it – that it seemed like she enjoyed the part of the job he hated. There was someone to take the pressure off of him – someone who thrived in front of the camera so that he didn’t have to. But he knows at some point this weekend, he’ll have to face the music. 

There were big changes coming to The Bear. 

*

It didn’t take long after the initial introductions for your friends to fawn over Sydney. They were more than happy to meet your friend they’d heard all about, and the incredible chef who was shaking up the Chicago food scene. 

“Well I’m glad to hear that some things have changed and that working with Carmy’s not a total nightmare any longer-?” Liz concludes your conversation about the restaurant, earning an eye roll from Maya and a laugh from both you and Sydney.

“Oh no it’s still tough sometimes,” Sydney says back. “He has his days. We all do.”

“Liz!” you protest, in regards to the Carmy-bashing.

“What?! You didn’t have to work directly under him back then!” she defends herself, before clarifying with Sydney. “And in his defense, Sydney, it was really our exec chef who was the real nightmare.”

“Oh she works directly under him, alright,” Maya jokes, raising an eyebrow at you. 

“And sometimes on top of him, and also-,” you quip back, ready to play along.

“Oh my god, you’re out of control and I am sick of you!” Sydney exclaims with a laugh in reference to your crass comment.

“So tell us more about the new restaurant,” Maya prompts, refocusing the conversation back to Sydney’s previous reveal.

Sydney tells your friends about The Bear’s plans to expand, and shares ideas she has that even you haven’t heard from Carmy yet. As she wraps up her story, she realizes what time it is, meaning that she’s gotta head uptown soon. She really only was supposed to stay for a glass of wine, but meeting your friends has been so fun that she’s lost track of time. 

“Shit. I have to head out,” she says. “But I’ve really loved meeting you guys. You’re coming to the dinner tomorrow night, right?”

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Absolutely.”

“And the reception!” you add gleefully, so glad you get to see your best friends three days in a row. 

“It’s been really great meeting you, Sydney,” Liz says, shooting you a look of approval. She squeezes your hand under the table momentarily, before saying, “Thanks for taking care of our girl. She speaks so highly of you.”

“Where are you off to next?” Maya asks, excitedly. 

“Syd’s got dinner plans,” you answer, waiting for Sydney to provide more detail.

“Yeah, I uh-, I got invited to one of the To Be Hosted events and it just worked out that we’d be in town for this the same weekend,” Sydney replies, a glimmer of excitement flashing through her eyes as she shares.

“Damn, you got invited to a supper club?” Liz marvels. “Okay!”

“Yeah because she’s a rockstar,” you cheer your friend on, saying it so matter of factly that even a stranger would believe you. 

You all say your goodbyes to Sydney before ordering food. It feels so good to be back in the city, back here with some of your best friends. Maya and Liz had been the friends that held you up, and you them, when you lived here. While you had met Liz at your last job, a sous chef under Carmy’s leadership, Maya worked in fashion and the two of you had become fast friends after meeting through an ex-boyfriend. Once you introduced the two of them to each other, the three of you had been inseparable ever since. 

They had always been your biggest cheerleaders – especially when it came to you and Carmy.

“She’s great,” Maya says, in reference to Sydney. 

“Right? I’m so excited for her. This is a huge deal: create her own menu, a chance to run kitchen without Carmy…” you agree, feeling deep satisfaction over the amazing people you have in your life. “We’re announcing the big news at the dinner tomorrow.”

“Speaking of, how is our favorite guy? What’s he up to tonight?” Maya asks, guiding the conversation back to Carmy. 

“I told him he could come but I think he wanted to stay in tonight. I think he needs some time to decompress. He’s been pretty high strung all week,” you answer. 

“Carmy? High strung?” Liz asks back sarcastically, earning a laugh from you.  “I’m kidding! I really am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. 

Maya shakes her head, before taking a sip of her glass of wine. She’s always adored Carmy, but knows that Liz has a different relationship with him, having worked as a line cook. 

“You guys are… getting serious, huh?” Liz asks, glancing over at you. 

“Um.. I think those two were married after their first coffee date,” Maya adds. 

“It was not a date!” you insist, shooting her a look. 

Liz lets out an unconvinced laugh, and you accept defeat because you know they’ve always been right about you and Carmy. 

“Maya, don’t forget. Our girl is and has always been the Queen of Denial,” Liz adds, winking in your direction. 

“Oh ha-ha. You guys are so funny,” you reply dryly. You nod, thinking about you and Carmy’s relationship over the last few years. “Yeah uh… it’ll be three years in the Fall so… you could say it’s getting pretty serious.”

Your friends are beaming back at you in response to your admission, and while you’d love to spend all night talking about how head over heels you are for Carmy, you’re also kind of ready to shift the attention off of you and your relationship. 

“Enough about me. What’s going on with you guys?” you change the subject. 

It feels so good to catch up with your girl friends. You all agree to make it an early night. While Maya’s husband had agreed to put their kid to bed, she wants to make it home in time anyways. Liz has a date later, and before you know it, you’ve wrapped up dinner and are walking back to your hotel. You send Carmy a quick text, because you’re only a few blocks away. 

You: On the way back. 

New York City has always been so inspiring to you. The city itself feels alive – like there’s an electric undercurrent that always makes you feel so full. There’s never a dull moment, and it feels as if the potential for a wild adventure is always around the corner. It’s also the place that you and Carmy met, all those years ago. It’s funny. The version of you that met him six years ago never could’ve predicted this: that you’d actually get to be here together, after almost three years of loving each other fiercely. 

Your friends were and always have been right about you. 

Back then, you were Queen of Denial and even then, Carmy had been your king. 

But you’re here now: in the city you met in, stupidly in love with the man you’d met six years ago who had seemed terrified to merely have a conversation with you. 

Your phone buzzes in your hand, interrupting your trip down memory lane, as you peek at the text you just received. 

Carmy: Went out for a walk and a smoke. 

You type back a quick, yet short reply. 

You: Love you. 

When you return to the hotel room, you enjoy the quiet of the evening. It still feels like spring in NYC, so you open a window because it just feels too damn good outside. No wonder he’d gone for a walk. You kick your shoes off, placing them gently by the door, before stripping off your jacket and heading into the bathroom. 

As you pull your hair up and out of your face, piling it into one conglomerate on top of your head, you eye the large bathtub you’d admired earlier.  Not only are you in need of a relaxing soak, but you’re hoping you can persuade Carmy to join you – maybe even help him destress a little. You don’t think twice about it, as you strip off all of your clothes, sliding on one of the fluffy robes that the hotel has provided. You flip on the hot water, the sound of rumbling water against tile hitting your ears.

There’s a bath soak in a glass jar that you find on the bathroom counter, before adding it to the increasingly hot water. While it looks like a mixture of some kind of soak and epsom salt, large bubbles begin to form underneath the rapid stream of the faucet, and you inhale deeply. 

Lavender. Vanilla. Chamomile, maybe?

The smell puts you at ease and you can feel your shoulders melting away from your ears. 

It’s not long before Carmy returns, the bathtub is almost at its capacity and the bath soak that you put in the hot water has bubbled up and blossomed into large, sudsy configurations. You’ve put on a jazz playlist, the sounds of Ella Fitzgerald filling the small space as you hum along. 

“Babe?” Carmy calls out to you, as you hear the front door close behind him. 

“I’m in here,” you call to him, turning the volume of your phone down a few levels. . 

You hear a shuffle of shoes, before he’s peeking around the door frame, his eyes lighting up as soon as he sees you. He knows it’s silly. It’s not like he’s been able to be very present over the last week, and it begins to dawn on him that he’s missed you.

“How was your walk?” you ask softly. 

“Good.”

He looks around the bathroom, the air thick with humidity from the hot water. You turn the faucet off, as you’ve now filled the tub to its capacity.

“You look comfy.”

“I am. It’s a very comfy robe.”

You wait a beat before preparing your ask.

“Big tub,” you entice him, gesturing towards the bubble bath that awaits you. 

“Yeah?” he asks, a half smile on the edges of his lips as he takes a step towards you. 

“Big enough for two,” you nod, making your case. 

It’s all the convincing he needs. You’re removing your robe, leaving your bare body on display for him to see, and soon enough, he’s stripping down and climbing into the bathtub with you. You share an awkward laugh as the two of you clumsily figure out how to position yourselves for optimal comfort. Your back is pressed against his chest, and you’re truly in awe of the large bathtub that somehow holds the both of you.

It becomes progressively easier for Carmy to relax. Between the hot water, and your naked body pressed against his, thoughts and worries about tomorrow begin to slip away. The two of you enjoy the quiet intimacy between you, the soft sounds of your favorite jazz standards, and Carmy’s lazily dragging his fingertips across any bit of exposed skin that he can.

You lean your head back against his shoulder, and Carmy buries his face in the crevice where your neck and shoulders meet. 

“Why don’t we do this more often?” he asks, in between leaving a few slow-paced, soft kisses across your shoulders. 

“Hm?” you hum in response. From the way his mouth and hands move across your body, and the silky feeling of the hot water, you barely have a thought left in your head.

“This whole… bath thing,” he clarifies, exhaling a deep sigh. 

This may be the most relaxed he’s felt all week and he likes that you seem to be enjoying this too.  

“Probably because we have a tub that I can only assume was built for a small show dog,” you joke. 

He laughs dryly. 

“Fair enough.”

Carmy waits a beat before speaking again, enjoying how his mind has quieted for the first time in days.

“Let’s put it on the list… for when we’re ready to move to a new place,” he suggests, quietly. 

“Somewhere with a big tub?” you ask, only sort of surprised by his request. 

“Yeah.”

You turn your head to look at him, as Carmy presses a searing kiss to your lips. You feel his hand snake between your legs and you begin to understand exactly why he’s enjoying this whole bath thing. 

“As much as I’m enjoying this…” he whispers against your lips. “Think you maybe want to get out of this tub…”

Another kiss.

“… dry off…”

You slide your tongue against his as his fingertips move higher up your inner thigh, earning a hiss of pleasure from you. 

“…not put our clothes back on?”

And then he’s swallowing your moans in his mouth, as he continues his exploration. Your head is spinning, and it’s not just the hot water that makes you feel as if your soul was set aflame.

“Yes.”

*

The next morning, you wake up alone. On the bedside table there’s a note in Carmy’s scratchy handwriting that reads:

Couldn’t sleep. Went to Chelsea Market. Love you.

You let out a frustrated sigh. Last night had been incredible but you also knew it’d be back to the grind today. While you’re excited for him – and for tonight – you’re also kind of ready for this to be over. You’re ready to have your boyfriend back.

read: bonus smut scene | chapter two

taglist: @allthefandomstogether @gaysludge @sobshoney @harrysmatcha @starbritestarlite @tpwkkmila

[musicalhell]

Sending a fic to ask about: Persephone's Gambit

Favorite scene: It depends. Right now I'm in the middle of writing a chapter set on Christmas Eve including (spoiler alert) first time E/C, which is a combination of indulging my fondness for the busy holiday scenes in Christmas Carol and La Boheme with some fun sexytimes.

Favorite chapter: of the ones published so far it would have to be the visit to Belletours, because I love Eunice and also Raoul's cool/fun uncle potential is underrated.

Hardest scene to write: The reveal of what happened with Saed hasn't been easy, not so much because I didn't know what happened but because I needed to find the right way to work it into the narrative.

Favorite character to write: Honestly asking which of the POV characters I like best is like asking for my favorite child. I love Raoul because he's so blunt and the closest thing this story has to a straight man (for certain values of the term), Christine because she's coming into her own and discovering her strength and I love that for her, and Erik because he has ALL THE FEELINGS to the point that his inner dialogue starts edging into Gollum/Smeagol territory and he's always good for personal drama.

Favorite dynamic: Again, kind of in favorite child territory, but Erik/Raoul scenes are always fun to write because they have absolutely no filter when it comes to one another and the way their personalities bounce off each other is entertaining.

Why I chose the title: The "Persephone" part is kind of obvious. A gambit is a type of strategy in chess and life where one makes an initial sacrifice in order to set up a future advantage--something all three main characters do near the outset of the story.

Fun fact about the fic: In the spirit of authors using their writing to air petty (and not-so-petty) personal grievances, most of the antagonists have elements of someone I have a beef with. Marcelin Robert's and Julian de la Marche's appearances are based on Matt Walsh and JD Vance respectively. M. Simon was inspired by a rather difficult choir director I worked with, and M. Vincent owes more than a little to an old college theatre prof who was horrid in several ways (including some that got him sent to jail for a few years).

[adhd-merlin]

@fairyhagmother Nell!! I have finished Bliss and Blunder. (did you get my ask the other day?) I meant to post some thoughts as I read it but I got engrossed in it on sunday and read most of it that day, so I thought I might as well wait till I finished it.

[this isn't a review or anything, just random thoughts. a stream of consciousness if you will. it's nearly 2.30am and I'm so -> LOL I'm re-reading this at 7.30am the next day and I literally fell asleep while typing this? like mid-sentence. ‘sleepy’ is what I meant to write obviously. I was adding this bit after writing the whole post so you can imagine how coherent it is]

some general thoughts (I'll keep anything above the cut spoiler-free):

it was a fun read! I was a bit wary of the constantly switching POV at first because inevitably there’s going to be some character I just don’t care much about and chapters from their POV will be a drag. but thankfully I cared about all characters here—some more than others, of course, but there was never a point where I was bored of reading about someone. the jumping between past and present worked well in keeping the tension up.

I wouldn’t have picked this book if it hadn’t been sold as an arthurian retelling (reworking?)—would I have enjoyed it as much if it hadn’t been one? would I have cared about arthur and gwen as much, had they been andrew and gabrielle? probably not, half the fun was picking up the nods to arthurian canon. at the same time, if these are meant to be arthurian characters, I’m not fully convinced by some elements of the transposition. 

the main one being—tech bro arthur. does it work? I’m not sure. yes, the wealth and power and admiration of his people are all there, and even arthur’s noble intentions, at least at first. the problem is that—with the exception of galahad, and possibly lancelot—the other knights become just… some guys. arthur’s nepo besties. 

*spoilers from here*

they’ve not done anything of note, have no special talent or skill, they're not even particularly loyal to arthur. he's bought their friendship, pretty much. there’s a chapter where morgan reflects on the meaning of chivalry, so the author must have considered it and I suppose it’s intentional, but still, are they even the same characters at this point?

not that it mattered that much—they were minor characters after all. I was just thinking about it. because if you tell the average person to think about king arthur the first thing they'll think of will be the round table.

I think the bond forged in battle between soldiers is the closest modern equivalent to the bond between arthurian knights, which is probably why lancelot and wayne feel closer to the characters they’re based on. 

they’re certainly nobler than arthur’s ‘court’. the hints to the ugliness hiding just below the civilised surface (like galahad being called ‘it’ at work, which arthur might or might not be aware of) were subtle and slightly unnerving, as was the facade cracking at the end (the ‘black bastard’ shout during the football match) before the truth about the sexual assaults came to light.

another missing element for me (if we want to call it that)— was merlin. where was he!! only hinted at twice towards the end. I would’ve liked to see him instead of falstaff. who was there for some reason.

what was the deal with him btw? why is he here. who invited him?? I wasn’t too annoyed by him because thankfully he wasn’t in it much, but he felt unnecessary to me. maybe because of my personal beef with henry iv. (well, beef isn’t quite the word—the fact is, I love my richards and my henry vi plays, but henry iv and v? they’re nothing to me. in the sense that I barely remember them. and falstaff—I don’t hate him, but I don’t feel any particular fondness towards him. I didn’t care about his silly goofy antics in henry iv and I cared even less here. but I know he's a beloved literary character so maybe it's just me. I just think if you're going to insert an odd, seemingly immortal old man into your arthurian novel, you might as well make him merlin).

I was glad the book didn’t devolve into a full murder mystery—I mean, yes, the mystery of Carly’s death was certainly an important element, but it didn’t overshadow the rest of the plot if it makes sense? it was still mostly driven by interpersonal conflicts, which I liked.

the reveal of the killer was all right. it didn’t exactly come out of the blue (though I briefly suspected lancelot or even arthur at some point). once it became clear it was one of the guys at the company I didn’t care about it that much? I was like, okay. can we get back to morgan and gwen please. but it was quickly resolved so. (the misogynist motive and tirade felt a bit facile, but I did not see the answer to Sir Gromer Somer Joure’s riddle coming. that was a nice touch.)

the description of gwen and morgan’s friendship and subsequent falling out was touching, and I think that’s the moment that actually pulled me into the story. it’s funny because last week some friends and I were talking about how women/girls often seem to have this tragic ‘breakups’ with their best friends which can be more dramatic than a romantic breakup. how it seems to be more of a female phenomenon (?) purely anecdotal of course, and something that never happened to me to this extent, but there you go.

I quite liked the author’s characterisation. I loved most characters, really.

(g)wayne!! struggling with anger management and internalised homophobia and WHAT on earth was that deal with the pub landlord. I mean, I understand what it’s based on, but? at first I thought ‘oh okay it’s a sex thing’. like kay said to arthur, ‘cuckolding is a thing’. but then the punch? I had surmised the lesson vern was trying to teach wayne at that point but still. so weird. personally I think wayne should’ve stayed with vern and lou as their third or something, but whatever. hope he has fun in vietnam.

galahad!! it would have been soooo easy to make gal accidentally insufferable (sanctimonious and holier-than-thou) but there’s something so earnest about them, they ended up being so sweet. going on an unprompted tirade about veganism and then apologising immediately after. thinking about nuking the internet because humans are the scourge of the earth. I love them.

lancelot my beloved. ptsd-riddled, unhealthily infatuated, melancholy and tragic. I don’t care how cheesy it is, you put in front of me a variation of lancelot and guinevere’s doomed love story and I lap it all up. the bit where the comet goes over abury and looks down at them in the car park and thinks ‘oh no you two, not again…’ (or whatever it was, I can’t be bothered to check now)—that bit made me a bit emotional? so cheesy, but like I said. yes please! I’ll have some more.

I wish we had seen a bit more of lancelot and arthur’s friendship instead of being told they were best friends, because they didn’t feel that close actually. yet arthur should be hurt by lancelot’s betrayal as much as gwen’s.

I loved gwen and mo’s relationship too. the two of them looking at arthur as a common enemy. mo, the perceptive child picking up on all the clues pointing to arthur’s emotional neglect towards him and his mom, and to lancelot’s love for guinevere, and picking gwen’s side. mo glueing gwen’s hand in the kitchen and picking up thrush med for her at boots.

arthur was fascinating, I liked him but was never quite sure what to think about him. seemingly good guy, all wrapped up in plausible deniability. It’s like I said… all around decent guy… excluding an incident or two. kay’s memory of arthur throwing his own computer from his window and letting kay take the blame was chilling, in context. but still, the hint of redemption at the end. I liked that he made up with mo and morgan, actually. I’m not sure I would’ve enjoyed a tragic ending. In fact, I want to believe that lancelot got to see gwen again, too. I want them to get a happily ever after, for once.

I liked the humour, more than a few sentences had me laughing out loud—‘like the diet coke man if he was on the spectrum’; arthur thinking gwen wasn’t much of a cook, which was comically petty in the midst of all that was going on; linnet and her legendary tits. I liked that the (mostly female) secondary character who provided some of the comic relief still retained some measure of dignity. I smiled at linnet and carly’s mom and gwen’s ex colleague, but in an affectionate way? they might be a bit silly but they don't come across as stupid, and even had their moments of wisdom.

I enjoyed the writing style, overall. I suppose, if I were to nitpick, the characters’ thoughts (and sometimes dialogue) felt at times slightly odd because it reflected the author’s style rather than… the character’s personality? am I making sense? there were a couple of instances where the writing drew attention to itself and made me go ‘she would not say/think that’. but for the most part it wasn’t an issue.

oooh sorry I’ve written so much and I’ve said nothing of substance. and now I’m getting a headache so I’m going to stop here I think. But yes I did enjoy the book, it was fun! 

it has also opened my third eye to the beautiful potential of mordred/galahad. sorry to be basic! but they were cute.

[random thought I don't know where to insert: was gwen's brother supposed to be agravaine? or inspired by him? because he said something like ‘and they call me aggro’ to gwen in one of the earliest flashback chapters, which I thought was a clue, but then nothing came of it? I think?]

anyway if there’s anything specific you want to know/discuss just ask, I’m happy to yap away :3 as you can see.

[quidfree]

do you have a favorite character from TSH? if so, who and why? what about between papenathy?

i can’t believe this isn’t immediately apparent from my writing but my deathly serious tsh character ranking list goes like this

francis

judy poovey

everyone else

bunny & julian

also re papenathy as a rule of thumb whatever my #1 ship is usually includes my top 2 characters from a medium. i would never pair a flop with one of my faves*

*in tartt universe all characters are on the flop-menace spectrum but that’s why the pairings work internally

i was about to hit post when i realised you also asked why. ive already made multiple posts analysing the tsh charas or their relationships which i feel gets into the meat of it anyway so please peruse those tags for longer explanations but as a quick breakdown of my takes:

judy: i just find her so funny and refreshing throughout the whole book; she serves a great meta purpose in breaking the illusion of richard’s trustworthiness as a narrator; she’s actually one of the nicer people we meet relative to all the other assholes in richard’s life; her scenes speak to both her commonalities and differences with richard and i enjoy them a lot. also i love that she’s based on a real person who then did costuming for succession.

francis: do i even need to explain this… hes an icon. i love all the layers to francis (which we only even get to see bc him & richard are so #real worsties)- how he’s so dramatic and emotive but can compose himself at will, how hes both confrontational and cowardly, his random kindnesses and mean quips, his completely fucked sense of priorities at all times…. also his insane childhood & his self-made tragedy in the epilogues. enfant terrible!

i do also love richard for all that he’s a nightmare. hes suuuuuch a mess wrapped within an I Am Normal package #tarttcore. love the way he teeters between reckless self-destruction and “umm you guys are weird” judgment. his self-censorship and revisionist tendencies as a narrator. his outsider role and his actual desperate liking of his murderous rich friends who do not particularly care about him. hes literally 19…. he should have been in the club….

henry & camilla are both interesting but henry is like The Statue and camilla is The Shadow in the sense that theyre both not fully realised ppl bc of richard’s pov/pedestal. henry is kind of the mvp of tsh of course, greattttt lines, compelling character, drives the action, but ultimately hard to crack as a complete person and full of hubris that annoys me. i respect that he gave us hot takes and drama the whole way through. camilla i enjoy the pieces of- beef with judy, french post murder fever, mysterious phone calls, entanglements- but lbr she is the least characterised individual in the book and thus hard to connect to outside of fanon. i still like her tho i esp enjoy how unbothered she is living her own side stories. and i just know she suffered incalculable martyrdom running amongst those men.

charles is more of a real person to richard than the above and he compels me also. such a jarring (if telegraphed) shift from part i to part ii. in a way his descent into darkness humanises him the most bc at least hes torn up about the whole murder business in the first place! but by god his relationships are fucked.

bunny is at best funny. but hes just like. a conservative asshole whos not even smart enough for the course he nepo-babied his way into. and then julian has fun literature class bits and is admittedly also funny (he is so not willing to get dragged into the drama it’s comical) but is just a nefarious elitist weirdo. they get nothing from me.

[hongcherry]

I saw your post and i thought of smth like one of the members (in my head it's seungkwan but tbh it can be wonwoo) approaches y/n and dino, who at that point have been a long term couple, to ask for advice on getting more intimate with their partner of a couple of months. Y/n & dino suggest role playing and they list some examples which takes them to a tangent of which ones were their favorites which almost goes out of hand until member clears their throat which puts the blushing couple back to reality. Then y/n does a risky move and questions why member even likes the person, which angers said member until they go on a long loving rant, to which y/n just goes ayt mate chill i don't actually have beef w u i just wanted u to realize the PASSION u have which was really just the secret to y/n and chan's loving relationship bc duh who is lee chan if not passionate. And anw said member thanks them and leaves the two alone to get steamy (how much u wanna write is up to u wink wink)

It can even be a two POV thing like u write about chan x reader and another fic for the wonwoo x reader after his convo w the couple, to satisfy your urge to write :> or u could also NOT do it if it doesn't float your boat hehe just thought I'd put it out there :> anw if ever i get out of writer's block and u decide not to do it i might give it a shot (but at this point it is a very big shot in the dark if im even gonna find the inspiration to write it with still having pending WIPs lol)

Anw just came by to drop some crumbs here thank u for ur time i hope you're having a lovely day :>

different roles, same heart || l.c

💗 Pairing: Dino/Chan x Reader (afab)

💗 Rating/Genres/AUs: M(18+); Fluff (no smut but rated M for the context); Established relationship

💗 Warnings: Mentions of roleplaying and past roleplays

💗 Word Count: 1.1k

💗 Author's Note: Awh, thank you for sharing your idea with me!!! Please feel free to still write your own version if/when you feel up to it! Writing's block is a pain in the ass and sometimes difficult to overcome :c I hope you can get past your funk soon! It's a sucky spot to be in. And oof, I have so many WIPs... 🥴 Thank you again, and happy holidays (if you celebrate)!

seventeen masterlist | main masterlist

“Roleplaying?” Seungkwan repeats, eyeing you and Chan with a mix of disbelief and puzzlement.

“Yeah,” Chan nods. “You give each other a role, or character, to be and act out a scenario.”

“I know what it is,” Seungkwan huffs and waves his hand in the air as if to dismiss Chan’s words.

“Why do you seem confused then?” you wonder.

“I just didn’t expect that answer,” Seungkwan replies.

You shrug, leaning into Chan as you both sit on the couch. Seungkwan watches you both from the adjacent seat.

“I mean, you can try toys or different positions, or kinks, but we just found roleplaying to be the most exciting,” Chan explains.

“How so?” Seungkwan asks.

“Well, you can embody roles that normally might be inappropriate in real life, but have a thrilling repute.”

“Like a teacher and a student,” you chime in.

Chan smiles and glances at you. “That was fun, wasn’t it?”

You nod, recalling the time Chan punished you for being a disobedient student.

“Or that one time I was a police officer and you were an inmate,” you continue.

“You looked so sexy with half your uniform on,” Chan murmurs, getting lost in the memory.

“The handcuffs definitely added to it too,” you giggle.

“I liked you in the maid outfit as well. All bent ov—”

Seungkwan clears his throat to stop him.

“I get it,” he says, face slightly red from hearing your stories. “But, isn’t it a little embarrassing to play pretend?”

“It’s only embarrassing if both partners don’t commit to their roles,” you say.

“It did feel a little strange at first, but you get into it really quickly,” Chan reassures.

Seungkwan sounds unsure when he says, “I don’t know.”

You purse your lips in thought and move away from Chan.

“Why do you want to get more intimate with your partner? Why do you like them that much to care?” you ask.

Seungkwan’s silent for a moment, but it seems like it’s not for him to consider the reason. It’s more to calm his nerves before he can get too annoyed.

“How could you even ask that?” Seungkwan scoffs, offended. “We may not have been together as long as you guys, but that doesn’t mean what we have isn’t strong. You act as if you know us better than we know each other. They’ve treated me better than any partner I’ve had before and I can see how much they care about me. And I care about them just as much—maybe even more!”

You chuckle softly. “I never doubted how much you liked them.”

“Then why did you ask those questions?” he frowns.

“Because I wanted you to see it’s the passion that drives the relationship,” you explain sincerely. “It’s not about how sexual you are or the duration of the relationship. It’s about the passion you have for each other.”

You glance at Chan when he’s silent only to find him staring at you with a big smile. You can tell from his eyes how much he loves you. Your heart floods with comforting warmth.

Before you get too lost in Chan, you turn to Seungkwan again.

“Even the most vanilla sex can still be thrilling if there’s passion between people,” you expand.

“I suppose that’s true,” Seungkwan says slowly, digesting your words.

“However, there’s still nothing wrong with wanting to spice things up in the bedroom. Just make sure it’s for the right reason,” you smile.

Seungkwan returns the grin, nodding. “Right.”

Chan leans toward you, wrapping an arm around your waist and giving your temple a loving kiss. It’s as if your words reminded him how much he’s devoted to you.

“Well, I better head out,” Seungkwan says and stands from his seat to make his way to the door.

You and Chan follow suit.

“We hope we helped you,” Chan says, arm around your waist.

“I’m sorry if I made you mad earlier,” you apologize quickly.

Seungkwan waves his hand again, smiling. “I just got ahead of myself. I understand your intention now.”

Chan holds the door open for Seungkwan, watching as his friend stands in the doorway.

“Thank you both,” Seungkwan says.

“Anytime, Kwanie,” you grin.

“And good luck,” Chan winks.

Seungkwan rolls his eyes playfully and gives you both a wave before leaving.

Chan shuts the door, then looks at you.

“What?” you ask, unsure why he’s staring at you quietly.

“You know, when we were recalling our past roleplays,” he begins and grabs your waist to pull you closer. “I kept thinking of new ones.”

“Oh, yeah?” you smile, arms wrapping around his shoulders. Chan’s eyes dart down to your lips briefly.

“I’m thinking you’re one of my tenants, but you haven’t been able to pay the bill for two months,” Chan says.

You listen attentively, heart already beginning to race with the idea.

“So, you’re my landlord?” you ask.

He nods. “And I come by to get the overdue bills, but you still don’t have the money.”

You smile, understanding where he’s going with his scenario.

“You wanna do that now?” you question.

Sometimes, you’ll set a date to act out your roleplays—giving you enough time to get any materials needed or to prepare to be in a certain mindset. However, this one doesn’t appear to need much planning.

Chan shrugs. “I’m okay with that. Are you?”

“I’m more than okay.”

Chan grins and squeezes your hips. You lean in to kiss him, but he keeps you at arm's length.

“You can save that for later,” he says.

You pout but oblige.

“I’m going to get changed then step out for a while,” he explains.

“How long will you be?” you wonder, eager to get started.

Chan chuckles at your restlessness and moves away from you.

“I think it’d be more exciting if I didn’t tell you,” he replies and moves to the bedroom.

Although you try to follow him, he shuts the door on you and locks it.

“Hey!” you whine and wiggle the doorknob. “Channie!”

“Can’t spoil what I’ll wear. Go to the living room and don’t leave until you hear the front door close,” he instructs.

“You know landlords don’t dress fancy, right?” you huff. You can see the appeal in not knowing what he’ll look like but don’t like the idea of waiting any longer.

“It doesn’t matter. If you see me now, it might affect the scene.”

“Fine, I’m going,” you grumble.

“I’ll see you soon, baby,” he calls out sweetly.

“Yeah, okay,” you say as you leave, mouth in a frown.

You know you’re being an impatient baby, but how can you not be when your boyfriend just proposed a sexy new idea and plans to fuck you senseless? 

A/N: There will be a aprt two 🫡

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[passthroughtime]

sorry @kamuro-junrenka i just giggled from the realisation

then his next words

are SO hypocritical it's unreal

sorry i just love the idea of yagami trying to talk sense to kuwana when it is KUWANA who sees things more clearly. (no kuwana apologism here, he was stupid with revenge killing and he knows that this is who he had to become though he doesn't like it. but HOW and WHO are you teaching this lesson to if your victims just disappear without any reason/explanation/message to the world... lmao.) gonna munch on this thought a little more, i think that is a good point of view and i can elaborate a little later (i have one post that i've been cooking in march, but at that time i decided to finish the game first and write it... and after finishing LJ i've been grieving my loss of judgment... haha see what i did there.)

actually the boat scene is insane in the way that we see live how yagami's convictions tear at the seams, and i WILL be insane about it, yet again, later. ok, whatever, not the point though right now. for me, LJ is about telling yagami (and, consequently, us) that good/bad is not the only possible options and they are even not mutually exclusive.

yagami needed that lesson (hehe) after JE because that was as clear cut case as it might've been. there were bad people and there were good, he's mistaken okubo putting him under the "bad" category but he did nothing wrong and is good in the end, but there is nothing deeper than that. (and that is why i believe that LJ is more thematically rich... while not being that much of a murder mystery that is JE. i love them both for what they have and what they lack though, it's interesting to compare them with each other.)

tbh i think that yagami's past and upbringing is a little downplayed, meaning the only thing that is questionable is the mention that yagami does help the matsugane family with uhhh the crime chores let's say (i don't remember if as a lawyer or as a detective, but i do remember that this was the case). but it mentioned only in passing, and helping to defend hamura in court is not that big of a deal if we see that yagami isn't happy with the outcome though the ruling was justified, yeah?

and though his ties to yakuza are left rather unexplored (considering half of his friends are criminals of some kind LMAO yeah sugiura this includes you too) and doubtly this will be the theme that will ever be brought up again, it is important to remember that yagami as a person is a product of two different worlds. the "bad" and the "good".

the beef i have with the "good yagami" take is not whether he is a good person, but more like, with the notion of him not seeing the nuances of the situation like ever? which makes him so good and right about everything, that he does everything according to law and etc... while i picture him as "let's do it baby i know the law" kind of person.

there IS a moment where he's a little bit stubborn about his convictions, but that's because *gestures* kuwana (AND I WILL WRITE ABOUT IT MORE... SOMEDAY... SURELY...), but not to the extent some people believe him to be (i remember a meme where "kuwana explains his pov (an explanation so long it's unreadable)" vs "yagami explains his pov (which only says "murder bad"). yeah it pissed me off pretty bad.)

so... yeah. i firmly believe that LJ is not about a good/bad dichotomy, though this type of story is expected with the starting factors we get. in the end, even the protagonist left kind of saddled with unnecessary feelings troubled about his convictions that in theory are simple, yet in practice contradict each other.

[skaruresonic]

So people are acting like James is a inredemable monster now. I personally don't agree with their takes but i'm currious what your thoughts are

If that's folks' takeaway, then I'd say either the writing failed, they're failing a literacy check, or possibly both. SH2 leaves the onus of James' character to you. It's asking you to grapple with some uncomfortable emotional truths, often multitudinous and contradictory.

The belief that people are wholly "bad" or "good" tends to be pretty problematic at best. I have a lot of beef with the idea that anyone inherently "deserves" anything because I feel like that both lets people off the hook for their actions - I didn't make the choice to do a bad thing, you see, I am just a passive victim of my own nature - and borders on victim-blaming, if not crosses the line in some cases.

If those deemed monsters deserve karma or punishment, does that mean victims also "deserve" to suffer as well? Who decides who "deserves" what? How is good measured, and how do we know when someone is "good" enough?

James killed his wife. That is an indisputable fact; it cannot be changed, only interpreted.

However, the biggest question SH2 asks us is why. What would drive a man to such extremes? What cultural forces are at play? What beliefs would James hold about himself as a man, of his wife as a woman, and of the duties and privileges of marriage as a whole in order to kill someone he loves?

What is the line between murder and mercy-killing? Is it blurrier than we believe? Could you, too, be pushed to that point, given the circumstances?

"James is an irredeemable monster" discourages thinking about any of these things; as an interpretation, it makes it easy to dismiss him as someone who was always fated to do the wicked deed. Which is a disturbingly Calvinist mindset that seeks to understand or help no one.

One of the biggest complaints I have about the remake is how much more blatant James' douchebaggery is because it seems to feed into this preordained mindset.

What I mean by that is sometimes it feels like Bloober intentionally gave him an extra sense of machismo to make some "lolol #men suck" point. When Angela accuses James of wanting only one thing, his response is to haughtily assert that he doesn't know who she thinks he is but he'd "never want to hurt [her]."

In the original... James legitimately tried to be helpful in an almost scripted way, since he had no idea how to even begin to approach Angela.

You'll notice that, in his various interactions with her, he offers Angela the kind of platitudes people are expected to dispense when all else fails:

Rarely, if ever, does he endeavor to offer connection from a place of genuine concern. In some cases, he makes the situation worse when his own baggage makes him act strangely, further fueling her suspicion or fear.

In abiding by a "script" in lieu of making a genuine attempt at empathy or connection - thinking a comforting touch is a Band-Aid instead of realizing that someone who is gagging at the mere sight of him would probably not want him to touch her just then - James winds up throwing gasoline on the fire. Like with Eddie, Angela needs help to a degree that he is deeply ill-equipped to provide.

The staircase scene actually places us in a first-person POV as she sarcastically mocks us, the audience, for our misguided attempts:

You're not here to help her; you're here to make yourself feel good about helping a "damsel in distress" without actually making an effort to connect with her as a human being.

But even with all that being said: although James was deeply mistaken in trying to touch Angela and telling her to relax, at least he tried to put on the vaguest veneer of kindness instead of being all "um ackshually Angela, #notallmen want to rape you."

I legit wanted to smack him after that, and I cannot tell if that was intentional or not. My bets are on yes, because Bloober really eradicated the subtlety underlying James' hypocrisy.

The original game still calls him out on his half-hearted attempts when he himself is so screwed up, but his actions and body language didn't seem to carry this heavy whiff of self-importance about them.

While in the original, he was occasionally standoffish towards Maria, in the remake it feels like he barely tolerates her presence. It doesn't even feel like he's attracted to her tbh. Not a good look, given that he is supposed to be both drawn to and repulsed by her.

My concerns about the heightened focus on aggressive combat tie into this. Combat is not rewarded in the original; it's a monotonous task done as a means to an end, and in fact, you're encouraged to flee instead. That serves the purpose of making the player reflect on how weird it is to go around beating monsters to death with a 2x4 when you absolutely don't have to. To make you feel like the asshole for doing it, even. That's what makes James finally deciding to stop running and face up to what he's done a minor moment of emotional victory and catharsis. He decides it's time to sack up and face the truth. He decides that he can no longer run from his problems.

Likewise, James' violence towards Mary shocks the player because he's otherwise so meek, passive, and cowardly.

By having James be the kind of "big man around here" who regularly breaks windows and insists he's one of the good ones, the impact of that shock is lessened. Especially since SH2 was trying to say that even "nice guys" are not exempt from cultural misogyny, even if they do try to go through the motions of chugging the blandest flavor of Respect Women juice. James may strive to be the kind of man that polite society expects of him, but his actions make it clear that he does not respect the women in his life. Nor anyone else, really, including other men and himself. "Eddie, have you gone nuts?" being a prime example.

James murdering his wife is fucked-up no matter how you dice it, but the idea that he may have done it partially just to get his own life back, as if his terminally-ill wife was a defective object he couldn't return and Maria was a trade-up he also discarded... is horrifying. It's a subconscious cultural sentiment that needs unpacking.

James' line of "You better do something about that cough" in the Maria ending is chilling precisely because you can pinpoint the moment he shuts down at the threat of a repeat of his original trauma. But, again, something of that nuance is lost when James always acts this cold towards Maria.

All of this is why Bloober's version of the In Water ending actively offends me. Not only did they explicitly confirm that Mary's corpse was lying in the back seat the whole time - so now we know for a fact that James denies her even a grave for her loved ones to pay their respects - they made James tell the dead body of the wife he murdered that he supposes her thoughts and feelings don't matter anymore because she's not there.

You know.

Like an object.

I can't tell you how skeevy it is for James to be like "I know you wouldn't want me to game-end myself, Mary, uwu, but you're no longer here so I guess it doesn't matter." It's not even as though she died naturally; he killed her. He deprived her of a natural death.

It comes off less like "I'll see you soon, Mary" and more like he's saying "Fuck it, I'm doing what I want; you're not here to enforce consequences anyway."

And, like. Yeah. James is selfish and the game does criticize the objectification of women through him, but that is a whole extra layer of selfishness I don't think Bloober intended.

My dude, you're not even going to bury her in Lakeview's gardens first? You're gonna just dump her in the lake alongside you? Wow, so much love for your wife, many wow. After all, you'll be dead too, so it's not like it's going to ~matter~ whether the police recover your bodies or not. :v

The original version of In Water had James remember the reason he came to Silent Hill: to kill himself, so that he could "be" with Mary again. He confesses that he's no longer afraid of death and that he has nothing without her. Fucked-up? Sure, but you understand and can even sympathize with the sentiment to a degree.

This added layer of unfortunate implication only occurred because Bloober couldn't resist canonizing an unconfirmed detail and making the scene more ~emoshunal~ with extra dialogue which, in essence, only served to erode the nuance of the original.

[deluxewhump]

i love how realistic your characters feel. a lot of whump that i read feels very archetypal- like with "good guys", "bad guys", and "innocent victims", all without very much motivation. or at least little beyond "be noble", "be nasty", and "doe eyes" respectively. i mean no shade to any whump writer, certainly. but much of the whump i read often comes out predictable and kinda flat. much of it tastes bland to me and i lose interest in many whump stories. but you! you write the best characters ever! all of them with their own edges, faults, soft spots, & stresses. they're all so personal and as a reader i love to sink my teeth in them. i mean i spend all day chewing on your characters like a union soldier on salt beef

This is the reason I wrote Erik’s Journals! Erik was my most static villain because he wasn’t integral at the time to the whump story I wanted to tell. But as I was exploring his POV in the journals and the details of those years, I started struggling with feeling like Erik loves Carlo a little too much, which I thought was out of character at first but now I don’t think it is at all. It’s just not a fair or selfless or respectful love, and that makes the several ways he crosses lines and betrays Carlo all the more devastating.

Carlo was often a “doe eyes” character I think, but he’s come a long way and I’m trying to get really into his head with some first person epistolary stuff I’m writing now on A03 for him :)) I’ll post some here soon probably. It’s going to be mostly in the form of letters.

Zee also got way more of a voice in part two of his story, or the second masterlist. The way he chooses Cam consistently because he thinks they understand and deserve each other was something I kept running into again and again with him.

Anyway. Thank you so much for sinking your teeth into my characters and sharing my vision for them and seeing all their flaws and messy motivations, it is what makes me fall in love with writing them and it means a lot that you see it and took the time to tell me!!! 💕💕💕 and that last sentence 😂

[enchanted-reviews]

Haunting Adeline

The Manipulator and the Shadow. A deadly duet, a cat and mouse game.

Oh, where to begin. This is going to be messy.

❗️ SPOILERS AHEAD ❗️

18+ book, 18+ discussion. MDNI.

Addie

My copy of Haunting Adeline consisted of 605 pages, and I'd decided I didn't much care for Adeline herself by page 2. I went into this novel knowing the MC would be at least a little vapid—it’s a dark romance in which she tempts and teases her dangerous stalker right back after all, saying “come ON girl” is part of the territory—but Addie proved herself pretty insufferable right off the bat.

Our first real characterization of her is that she HATES her bitch mom, is insecure about her life choices? (as she uses the book’s very beginning to privately reaffirm how successful she is and why the path she’s chosen for herself is right), and that she really loves the old manor she’s just inherited from her nana.

When we get information on Addie’s dad much later in the novel, she states that he was around more or less, but ultimately faded into the background. It’s only Addie’s mom’s side of the family (specifically the women) with trauma that continues to affect Addie to this day. Look, I’m glad we didn’t go with the daddy issues trope, but it might have been cool to have a MC who’s into dark, kinky, fucked up shit just because she is. She loves horror movies as well, does that require a childhood examination? Why does trauma always have to be a connected factor to kink? This implication that it runs in the family is a little strange.

I actually don’t have TOO much beef with Addie. Sure, she’s annoying, and just self-aware enough to call out her own stupidity, but she falls as much a victim to bad writing as she is a victim to Zade’s “love.”

Oh—there is one line she gives on pg. 299, stating:

“He wouldn’t be a man without his cock.”

Which is just… pretty gross to find in a novel being heralded on 2024 BookTok.

Also, her DRINKING problem. Addie downs alcohol like a fish. Do we ever see her sip water? Whether she’s at home, a cafe, or out with friends, she’s throwing back shots and martinis every day, all the time. It’s a little concerning.

Zade

If a character deserves to have trauma, it’s Zade—at least to give him understandable motivation for targeting sex traffickers. There is no personal turning point spurring him down this dangerous road. He simply does it because he wants to.

His reasoning feels hollow. In his POV chapters throughout the novel, we get glimpses of his happy childhood, and later on he explains in depth to Addie how he grew up with loving parents. He states that the only traumatic experience he’s ever suffered was when his parents eventually died in a car crash; Zade obtains a degree in computer science and makes a decent living for himself as a self-taught hacker until he eventually forms Z, an organization designed to take down criminals of the government. He devotes his entire life to saving victims of human trafficking and frequently infiltrates dangerous hotspots, which is why he’s as physically strong and capable as he is mentally.

What’s the motivation for dedicating his entire life to something so dangerous, so emotionally draining? The idea that someone has to do it.

Nothing personal that pushes him onto this path.

Aside from this empty characterization, there are 2 things that prevent me from seeing Zade as the hero this book so desperately wants the reader to view him as.

1. He has the BIGGEST ego. He is, plain and simple, insufferable and deserves to get punched in the mouth—repeatedly— for some of the things he says.

2. His heroic actions as Z directly contradict his behavior towards Addie, a complete stranger who he decides to obsess over in a very scary way the moment he lays eyes on her in a bookstore. He stalks her, intimidates and makes threats when she acts in ways he doesn’t approve of (such as flirting and bringing boys home), and sexually assaults and harasses her on multiple occasions.

Now, again, I knew what I was getting into with this book. I fully expected noncon and dubcon elements, and that’s not at all what I’m frustrated with. My issue with these nonconsensual scenes is that, while Zade is a hypocritical rapist with a cocky hero complex, there is seemingly no meta awareness of this and the book treats him like a genuinely amazing, selfless, HOT man anyone would be lucky to catch the attention of. HE IS A DOUCHEBAG!!!

When he and his friend Jay are ribbing each other, here is Zade’s response to Jay joking that he likes his women willing:

“A wicked smile forms, though the heat in my eyes remain. ‘Sounds to me like you don’t understand a woman’s body well enough to know when it sings for you, even when her mouth tries to resist’” (549).

You see that? I’ve designated Zade with barf green.

Zade, who has dedicated his life to killing r4pists, proudly defending his own r4pes since Addie’s body was aroused. Yep, totally fine. This is the behavior I definitely expect from a “good guy” (as many reviewers have described Zade).

Zade’s POV throughout the book contains lines that are meant to build up his “dark feminist hero” persona (and come off as super obvious, cheap even), but they also contradict all that flimsy construction. For example:

Pg. 110, Zade waits for Arch to come find him:

“He hesitates on the doorstep, sensing the danger residing in the shadows. But after a few moments, he develops a vagina and charges out the door and down the porch steps.”

Siiiiigh. Such moments, it feels like Zade drops a cliche girlboss line about how women are actually tough, then turns and winks at the audience as if to say, “see? I’m on YOUR side.”

Compare this to a random thought he has later:

“Fucking women and their screeching” (458).

He’s not playing a role and saying this out loud to anyone, this is Zade himself in his own head, reacting to something inconsequential.

Although, let’s be real, everything feels inconsequential with Zade. He’s a superhero. He can apparently take “chunks of concrete” in his eyes while multiple guns shoot at him, and he only needs to grunt and rub his eyes for a second before taking down all his assailants without a problem (71). He’s apparently “the best” hacker (in the world?), otherworldly in combat, and can expertly fool and charm anyone he speaks to. It’s all just so… boring.

There’s lots of mentions of the dark web and red rooms, which apparently don’t exist the way they do in scary stories (according to people who actually use the dark web and articles on red rooms), and all the “Society” stuff (the p3do trafficking ring Zade goes undercover with) feels superficial, like the author didn’t do enough research to make this subplot—which is a GREAT DEAL of the book—feel properly weighed down and nuanced.

Zade continuously justifies his treatment towards Addie by stating that he knows what she wants better than she does, and it’s only a matter of time before she falls in love with him. Never once does he seem to actually wrestle with his hypocrisy, or how horrible he is being to this TOTAL STRANGER. How does he even know she’s into it? His obsession was at first glance. They’ve never spoken a single word. And what really frustrates me about all this (besides of course his being a total hypocrite and the fact that the trafficking subplot, along with his characterization, completely sinks as a result) is this:

Addie is a VERY successful novelist. She’s even called “The Manipulator” when switching to her POV, and her ability to play with people’s emotions is repeatedly teased. Do we actually see these incredible manipulation skills at work? No, not really. She’s a writer with social anxiety (which is said to be crippling but is shown to be normal nerves at the start of events that immediately go away) who’s able to fake smile in front of people when she needs to. She doesn’t earn the name of Manipulator at all. Moving on.

Does Zade read Addie’s books? No. I don’t remember it ever being mentioned even briefly. Does he get attached to her words, her talents, any part of her beyond how sexy she looks? No. If you wanted to sell me on someone stalking a beautiful girl because he fell in love with her writing, that’s a much more compelling plot than the entirety of Haunting Adeline. It would have been so easy to have him read some dark stories she’d penned and use that as reasoning for why he understands the way she ticks.

Addie’s status as a writer bears no weight at all, so it feels like she is just the author’s self-insert (further evidenced by descriptions of Addie’s breathtaking beauty and sexy pornstar voice that everyone comments on, big natural tits, big shapely ass, and teeny flat stomach. Any time Addie’s stomach is mentioned, we must be reminded it’s a flat one).

Returning to the trafficking subplot and its implications in making Zade an untouchable hero (I did say this review would be messy):

1) Truly adore (sarcasm) the “true crime fanatic” vibe we’ve got going on here with the idea that any decent looking woman is a breath away from being snatched off the streets at all times. It feels like watching those tiktoks where women rent a hotel room and then carry out a complicated 20-step process in safety-proofing the room with tools they brought from home, with further instructions on how/when to walk to the car, what to do around the car before getting in, more steps after getting in the car, etc. Anyways, Addie is randomly targeted by this trafficking ring because she’s pretty and so the plot comes full circle, thus validating Zade’s initial stalking of Addie and turning it into something romantic and heroic since only he can keep her safe from truly evil forces.

2. More nit-picky but I thought some of Zade’s thoughts towards young girls were weird considering his passion towards saving the girls from creeps/violent tendencies in torturing said creeps.

When Zade saves a girl “no older than 8” from being sacrificed, he keeps commenting on her pretty eyes.

Later, when he runs into the doll (SUCH a random fucking character, this entire scene greatly aggravated me), we’re not given an age; however, she’s caught the attention of the p3dos nearby and is described to appear young and innocent, as well as acting out in childlike ways: “She’s a small thing, but the girl can fight … she snarls and stomps her foot like the child she’s dressed up to be” (456-457). Zade bizarrely notes how her nipples are visible through her thin nightgown, a detail that adds nothing to the scene. He also notices her cheeks flushing as she tortures the men they’ve rounded up together, and thinks: “I swear to God, if she gets off right in front of me, I’m leaving” (461). There was no sexual connotation until he took it there, and it feels gross with all the childlike descriptions of this “strange girl.”

Finally, there’s a scene RIGHT AFTER meeting the doll when Zade and Addie go all the way for the first time, and Zade keeps calling Addie “little girl” (which is a first) from start to finish, even making her repeat it and affirm she is his “good little girl” as she climaxes. I don’t mind this out of context, but with everything this story has established, it feels entirely inappropriate and even appalling.

Update: I was wrong, he calls her “little girl” on page 356… when they’re infiltrating a p3do party. Does he only do this when they’re in close proximity to people who abuse children??? 😧

Dialogue

(Addie’s mom) “Do something more with your life than waste away in that house like your grandmother did. I don’t want you to become worthless like her.”

A snarl overtakes my face, fury tearing through my chest. “Hey Mom?”

“Yes?”

“Fuck off.” (6)

Cue that one scene from Camp Rock—“Mom? Don’t.”

Also, why do I feel like I’m watching a subbed anime? Who talks like this?

>>ALL of page 13.<<

“Addie, you need to get laid.”

In response, I wrap my lips around my straw and slurp my blueberry martini as deeply as my mouth will allow … I think I need a bigger mouth. More alcohol would fit in it. I don’t say this out loud because I can bet my left ass cheek that her follow-up response would be to use it for a bigger dick instead”

Daya gives me a droll look. “You’re a hot twenty-six year old woman with freckles, a great pair of tits, and an ass to die for. The men are out here waiting.”

This entire interaction doesn’t feel like two platonic soulmates hanging out, it’s just space to inform the reader how sexy the MC is before Zade can.

The Murder Plot

Oh my god, this was so boring. I’m not even convinced Addie really wanted to figure out who murdered her great-grandmother. Sure, she tells us how badly she wants to close the case, but it doesn’t feel it when all she does is read Gigi’s journal entries (and blab to Mark later on, in true “WTF is wrong with you” fashion).

I don’t know when I started to suspect Frank (around the 200s? 300s?), but I wish more detail and attention had been given to these diary entries. Gigi includes the names of only 3 men in all of her entries: her husband, her stalker who she’s in a passionate affair with, and Frank, her husband’s best friend. Throughout the ENTIRE novel, any mention of the potential murderer pingpongs between “was it (husband)? Was it (stalker)?” and no one spares a single brain cell to the mere possibility it was Frank, who is always involved and who becomes increasingly more suspicious. I’m not a mystery girlie, I hate gathering evidence, but this was insane. There was simply too much going on in this novel and so everything felt lackluster.

So how did Addie finally solve the murder? Well, through her best friend, Daya.

It’s Daya who reverse images a picture to identify Mark’s father, Frank.

It’s Daya who finds information on the stalker’s death, down to the detail of “a broken heart” (537).

It’s Daya who gets the blood on the watch tested.

It’s Daya who matches Frank’s handwriting.

So what does Addie do? She finally searches just a BIT more in the attic she’s afraid of (and thus has been avoiding) to retrieve the evidence Daya then actually does something with.

The attic is haunted and filled with negative energy, which is why Addie stays away, but come ON. She loves horror. She loves thrills and being scared, as we’re reminded constantly. She flirts with danger when she’s being stalked by a deadly stranger. She continues to provoke said stalker when he cuts off the hands of a man who had touched her and delivers it to her. She insists on staying in this creepy haunted manor in which she is being stalked because she’s stubborn and refuses to give it up… but she can’t spend just a bit more time searching in the attic when she’s apparently so committed to solving this case? Get real.

The Corniness

“My body is just a vessel that my soul inhabits, attached to a shell that it’ll one day leave” (577).

This is the start to one of Zade’s random angsty rambles, and like, dude, she was just asking about your tattoos.

Overall, I thought I was being pretty forgiving towards most of the cheesy lines in the book constantly invoking Heaven and Hell, comparing Zade to the Devil in … creative… ways, and things of that nature. There’s a clear corruption kink threading throughout the novel that I expected and that seemed natural to what these cardboard characters are craving, so the presence of tumblr 2015-esque edginess didn’t bother me too much. Every once in a while, though, the cheese factor was just too much.

“And then to have the audacity to leave me a flower like a fucking weirdo? They may have made that rose powerless by clipping its thorns, but I will gladly show them a rose is still fucking deadly when it’s shoved down their throat” (38).

“A gentle, but firm knock vibrates my front door. It’s almost becoming an instinct for my heart to skip a few beats whenever I hear any noise in the manor. Surely, that can’t be healthy. Maybe I’ll eat some Cheerios. They say those are good for the heart, right?” (59)

There’s so much more, but I didn’t mark a lot as I was reading because 1) such a big book to get through and I didn’t want to spend more time on it, and 2) I had no intentions of starting a book review blog until this novel pushed me over the edge (so thanks for that, I guess?)

The Spicy Scenes

And now we arrive at the only element of this book I actually liked: the sex.

Like we came here for anything else.

I expected this book to be a lot more depraved if I’m being honest, but since the author was intent on trying to make Zade a “good guy” with questionable courting skills, along with bogging the rest of the story down with subplots that didn’t pay off, these scenes were good. Not great, not fantastic, just good. That said, I thought the gun scene was super hot.

He chuckles. “Little mouse, that’s exactly what I’m doing.” He then pulls my thong to the side, baring my pussy to him, and the arousal glistening from within. He mutters a curse under his breath as his eyes devour every inch of me …

“Suck,” he orders, his tone deepening with finality. Closing my eyes against more tears, I open my mouth and let him guide the gun between my teeth ... (213-214).

This happens 1/3 of the way into the novel and I’m thinking, Oh, finally. Maybe it does get good. Unfortunately, this scene—where predator and prey truly collide for the first time—remains the hottest scene in the book …

although the part where she’s on her knees with a belt around her neck (331) isn’t too far behind.

I liked that there was an attempt to keep each scene fresh, so Addie and Zade become increasingly more intimate in various locations.

Towards the end of the novel, there’s a scene in which Zade chases her through the woods while it’s raining. The primal play could have been fun—it’s what their relationship has been hurtling towards all this time—if they hadn’t actively been having sex before in her bed, with Zade suddenly telling her to “run” and making her jump off his dick and take off. The transition felt more comical than ~ohhhhh so dark and thrilling~.

The two of them having a sudden intense (yet necessary) argument AFTER he catches and pins her down, though, felt jarring. Especially since Addie receives some horrifying news and a terrifying wakeup call in this moment, just to be pulled into rough sex on the cold ground. There’s a time and a place for everything, Zade, my guy.

Final Thoughts

I started reading Butcher & Blackbird in the same day after finishing Haunting Adeline, and I kid you not, I breathed a sigh of relief on page 12 and made a note on my phone: “the main characters already have more chemistry than Zade and Addie did over 600 pages.” So nice to remember what natural-sounding dialogue and organic sexual attraction actually reads like.

Nevertheless!

Haunting Adeline is such a long book and sets itself up for future works (I honestly don’t know if it’s just a sequel or more). Over 605 pages it tackles so many different ideas and plot points, it’s hard to gather all my thoughts and articulate them in a neat way. Harder still is the fact that this remains a dark romance book, with problematic kinks and actions.

I’m here for dark fiction. I don’t need every character I read about to be an upstanding person, or a secret vigilante taking down trafficking rings in a major city. Sometimes it’s healthy for us (adults!) to engage in fiction that is just intended to scandalize and tantalize, noncon and unhealthy attraction and all.

What I don’t appreciate is the hardcore attempts to paint the perpetrator of those actions as a “good guy.” Someone who only seems dangerous in the beginning until, surprise!, it turns out he’s protecting the MC from even more dangerous enemies. The lengthy, beat-you-over-the-head-till-you’re-sick-from-it justifications of why he’s actually sexy and desirable for assaulting her, for stalking her, for bringing blood and violence to her door—why we should actually root for these two to end up together as a couple in love.

Maybe it’s impossible to create a truly “dark” romance novel for a mainstream audience, in much the same way the kink community should be gatekept from people who don’t seek it out. The nuances of consent and navigating dark desires in a healthy, productive way will go straight over people’s heads if they’ve had no reason to deliberate over these concepts and practice them in their own life. As a result, a novel like Haunting Adeline that raises up a stalker-r4pist as a romantic hero will no doubt be misinterpreted by many. I’m not saying it’ll have a detrimental effect on their lives, and I will never advocate for book censorship—only that this book is a frustrating heap of disappointment to the people who are most likely to pick it up, and a scandalous treat for those who may not engage with its themes as meaningfully as one would hope.

Zade tells us a million times why he’s the sexiest man around while showing through his actions it’s all false, meanwhile 5-star reviews pile up saying “yesssss Zade, yes you ARE!”

I need to give my brain a good scrub after 7 hours reading this shit.

Rating

⭐️⭐️ 2 / 5 stars

[frankenjoly]

Omg thanks for tagging me @cursedvibes 🥰

Rule: 5 favourite fics you've written and pass it on to 5 other writers

Leaving out the ficlets to make things easier (but I'm temped to do something similar for them anyway), and choosing one per fandom for this exact same reason (I'm also tempted to pick my 5 faves for each one of my bigger ones)

Finding Ava. Borderlands 3 au that started with "Finding Nemo with Maya as Marlin, Ava as Nemo and Krieg as Dori would be so funny", then I got tempted and spawned my longest longfic to date. You can tell I wanted more development for a big bunch of characters than what the game gave.

Remnants. I fell deep into the timembomb fandom by watching arcane, then spawned a whole-ass missing scene about pining Jinx and identity and the past. My first time ever writing her, too.

Misread. Me and writing ships from a 3rd character's pov is a love that's growing, and my genshin fic with that premise is this one. Aka, jealuc from Barbara's pov, with a sprinkle of self-doubt.

What do you stand for? This is kinda cheating, since it came from an rp solo thread I turned into fic as well, but. Utahime-centric fic based on her finding her own cursed child and having to be the one directly negotiating with Gakuganji to avoid his execution, with insights on her views, gojohime crumbs and a bsd reference (the kid).

Por el amor de este presidente... My first and rn bigger bsd crack fic, in which both Mori and Fukuchi have beef bcs they both want Fukuzawa back, but will ally to crash every single date he has with any other person in the meantime. Everyone's tired of their shenanigans. Also, the title is way better if you know the song it references, it's very iconic.

Also it's a series already, but shout-out to the dnd-ish au, aka jjk+bsd crossover turned fantasy au bcs I'm never not brainrotted by it, and it's only growing.

Tagging (no pressure as always): @oodlyenough @ildi-dragonheart @monday-headache @rhymbic @noirewaves

[cl0wncakez]

OK OK im SO glad that someone else brought this up, and im more than willing to give my thoughts since im also insane for these two and very passionate about this writing flaw lol. I fully agree that the scene was kinda iffy for me, but it’s for a different reason.

So regarding when suitcase was chewing baseball out, i don’t think it was for the action of voting for test tube in itself, but how he reacted afterwards when he said this to lightbulb when she confronted him:

“But look in the bright side! Now that your team’s gone, there’s only one thing you can do! You win this for them!”

So teeeechnically yes suitcase was right about the whole “not personal” thing not being the same. But even then I think that this was a stupid writing decision for 2 reasons

1. This was a very out of character thing for baseball to say. Even if he’s trying to make himself feel better about his decision, after all his development in episode 13 and 14, I don’t think this is something he would realistically say. Also, if you remove his line here then suitcase later on would’ve been in the wrong for chewing him out only for voting for test tube (which she also did), which makes me feel as if the line was added so that scene would work.

and 2. In their eyes, this episode took place like a day at most after test tube’s elimination. And when that happened, baseball was extremely apologetic to her. He was ashamed for the decision he made, and it was obvious that he did not have an easy time making this choice. SO WHAT HAPPENED TO MAKE HIS MOOD CHANGE DURING THAT TIME?!

So the “it wasn’t personal” drama didn’t need to really happen in the first place. I think that if that one line didn’t exist and suitcase called baseball out on something besides that, (ex. him lying on his team captain question) the scene would’ve been stronger.

And this isn’t even the only writing decision I’m beefing with!! I think that the biggest problem with episode 15 was that both baseball’s character and his relationship with suitcase was really out of character.

Cause how is it that such a beautiful moment between them in episode 14 with the docs is completely ruined in the span of a day?! (in their pov)

the doc scene in episode 14 was such a well written moment for their dynamic. It showed that even though baseball couldn’t just magically fix his actions, he was still willing to try and listen. AND THEN THEY JUST COMPLETELY THREW THAT OUT THE WINDOW!! My guess is that they needed to give suitcase more of a reason to vote baseball off, but they still could’ve done that without wrecking their development together!!

So how I see it was that technically suitcase was in the right in that scene, but like barely, since it was only because of that one stupid line that baseball said. But yeah i agree with you that their dynamic is kinda weird to pinpoint, since they haven’t had much time to talk things out unlike nickel and balloon who had an entire season together

I do hope we get a little baseball and suitcase interaction in the final ep (highly doubtful let me dream) they have been so tricky to fully flesh out in my head due to “was this intentional or a writers flaw?” Factors.

like example: suitcase saying “if she(testtube) is really your friend she’ll understand it’s just part of the game”. Then later she chews him out for “choosing” to vote out tt in truth or flare, even though the reason he even voted for testtube was because of knife and suitcase.

Was the hypocrisy intentional on her part or not? She was the one who suggested the “not personal” idea in the first place why is she getting mad when baseball is just repeating what she says. Very interesting flaw if true.

I have a lot more to say just need to formulate my thoughts arguments better

[rosemaryandarsenic]

i’ve been having brain rot about gareth with a big tiddy goth gf, if i had a crumb of headcannons id be so grateful 🙏 however if you could elaborate i’d be dead on the floor

As a big tiddy goth gf myself, I LOVE this. NSFW blurb to follow, Minors DNI!!

HC's Authors note: I go on a rant at the end here lol, but tw: political stuff (human rights!) and talk of mosh pits, NSFW stuff, anger issues.

Personally, I think Gareth would favor more Punk/Lolita Goth types but let's be real, he wouldn't give a fuck as long as you're anti-establishment, anti-Fascist, and like metal. Frankly even the metal part is probably not required lmao.

You two would go to shows together and he'd get so nervous at first if you went into the mosh pit, until he sees you're a little battering ram and just goes absolutely feral.

He'd get you longer necklaces so they fall in between your boobs, maybe he'd let you wear his skull necklace during shows.

Will mark your boobs with hickies so anyone who sees them knows you're taken (and you wear low cut shirts to show it off haha)

Before you all start dating he'd lowkey be scared of you! Till he learns your looks are the complete opposite of your personality which is soft and sweet. He'd also learn real quick that soft girls still bark, especially if they have a temper to match his own, which you do.

Gareth would take you Halloween shopping every year, and plan couples' costumes with you. You have a ritual where instead of watching slashers or horror movies like you normally do, you watch a romcom on Halloween night and eat all your favorite candy.

MATCHING TATTOOS AHHH

Hoping this doesn't sound performative but I'm adding it anyway bc it's important: I like to think that he'd be so supportive of however you choose to express yourself and make sure that he supports bands that are not just good but support good values. I write from my own POV which isn't all-encompassing and I think it's super important to acknowledge if it doesn't fit who you are there's still space for you <3 I'm talking about feminist Gareth, Gareth with a Muslim gf who loves how you match your hijab to his vest, Gareth who decolonizes and votes to protect women and POC, BLM protest Gareth, gay rights Gareth, Gareth who decorates his GF's mobility aid and makes pronoun pins for the band. I mention all this specifically because this "stuff" is a huge part of the goth culture (it built it really) and I think he'd be very passionate about it. I know I write smut lol, but good relationships don't require sex and I think he'd be an excellent BF who'd respect those boundaries and would care about what you believe in and his own belief system.

THE BLURB

TW: Mentions of alcohol, boob luge, and shitty yt supremacy bands (I have beef with so many thrash metal bands). As usual, all characters are above the age of 18.

It's like 12:30 in the morning, and you're at Eddie's trailer with the older gang. Robin's in the corner talking to Nancy, Jeff is playing video games with Eddie, and you're in the kitchen listening to Steve and Gareth argue about music. It's hot, and your eyeliner is running as you rummage through the fridge looking for a cold beer, or literally anything to chase the shot you'd just taken.

"I'm telling you, Steve Miller band is so much better than that slasher band-" Steve says, completely getting cut off by your boyfriend.

"Slayer, it's SLAYER. That's not even who I'm talking about!" Gareth grumbles, "they have too much Nazi shit, I'm talking about fucking bands like Quiet Riot. They're revolutionizing music, you can't discredit that."

"Discredit? Man, they're brutalizing rock -" Steve cuts off again as you slam the fridge door.

"Will you two quit it? Steve's a jock Gareth, youre not gonna convince him to listen to metal, especially thrash." You groan, leaning against the counter. "He's no fun."

"Exactly," Steve says, throwing his hands up in the air. "Also, I AM fun, I have plenty of good music to listen to already." He emphasizes the good, making Gareth groan irritatedly.

"What? You think I'm boring?" Steve yells, "Eddie would you say I'm boring?"

"YES." Robin, Nancy, and Eddie reply together without even looking over.

"Jesus," Steve mumbles, "here, let me prove it."

Steve leans in and whispers something in your ear, as Gareth watches smugly, arching an eyebrow as you grin at what Steve is asking you to do. It's a party trick, one you've seen him do in high school, and you're just tipsy enough to play along.

"That's actually kind of metal." You giggle.

"What?" Gareth asks, staring at the two of you as Steve hands you a bottle of jack off the counter. "What're you two talking about?"

"Nuh huh," Steve laughs, "Y/N here is going to be able to explain it much better than I can."

You laugh again as you motion for Gareth to come to you and pull off the sliced-up T-shirt you have over your bra. Gareth's eyes get wide, despite the fact that everyone here could give less of a shit at your indecency.

"What the fuck are you doing, Y/N?" Gareth asks, in front of you now.

"The Harrington special, babe." You answer, winking. "You've never seen it?"

Gareth shakes his head as Steve laughs, "You're about to!"

You pull your boyfriend's face in with one hand and hold the liquor bottle in the other hand.

"All you have to do is stick your face in those lovely boobs of hers and open your mouth," Steve instructs, earning a glare from Gareth at the compliment to your anatomy.

"C'mere baby," you laugh, and Gareth complies, leaning into your chest as he starts to realize what you're going to do. You carefully pour a shot onto your boobs, the alcohol pooling between your cupped breasts and trickling down into his mouth. He laps it up, giving you a dark look as his tongue runs up from below your bra to your collar bone. Fucking christ that's hot.

You'd momentarily forgotten Steve was there as he hollers, "Would a lame person be able to do that?"

You giggle, "You're not doing shit, Harrington."

"Yeah well, not this time Y/L/N, I think your boyfriend would fucking kill me." he laughs, as Gareth nods.

"Touch her tits and you're dead, Steve." He laughs, pulling back and giving you a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll give you like, one notch above lame for teaching her that." He winks at you, and they go back to debating as you pull your shirt back over your shoulders. You were definitely going to pay for that later.

[aruthlessblackthorn]

Twilight and ACOTAR Pipeline

So I had this thought the other night in the shower (where people do the most thinking, ofc) and it occurred to me that ACOTAR is the new Twilight. Let me explain:

In 2008, when Twilight was the shit everyone ate for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and dessert, anyone who made an ounce of criticism was considered a hater. I remember at the time how intense the drama got between fandoms when they’d start arguing over if Edward was good for Bella, or if Jacob was. There was so much beef that no sensical argument could be made. It’s kind of like how the ACOTAR fandom is now. 

I consider myself an international super spy. I joined an ACOTAR Facebook group a few months ago because I wanted to be nosy (and frankly so my friends and I could make fun of the cringe. It was very cringey) though lately I actually enjoy being a part of the group. Not because I like ACOTAR, but because it’s a repetitive pattern from 2008. The majority of the people in that group cannot have a debate over this series without getting emotionally upset. There is the term ‘Tamlin Apologist,’ which is coined for anyone who makes an argument on Tamlin’s behalf. If you criticize anything Feyre does or Rhysand, you’re considered an idiot. And do not get me started on Nesta. She is a hot topic in that group, and people either love or hate her. Rarely is there an in-between. 

I’m not going to say where I stand on these topics, other than I’ve always watched from the sidelines when these arguments go down. It’s always so intense, and sometimes I see the worst takes imaginable. People go to the ends of the earth to defend their favs who may have committed SA, or refuse to believe that’s what it was. I’ve seen people write about how they were disappointed with Rhysand and his actions in ACOSF, and then a swarm of people start a collective hate train against the original poster. It’s absolutely bizarre. 

In 2020, Twilight had a massive resurgence with the return of smeyer and her releasing Midnight Sun, which is Twilight from Edward’s POV. How I feel about the book doesn’t matter here, (though I will say it was awful. Edward was not painted in a good light) but it kickstarted new conversations, new covers for the original books, and a repurposed joy over watching the series from the beginning. People pulled their Twilight merch down from their attics and re-decorated their rooms. The only difference this time is the maturity. Now we can recognize the problems in the series. Jacob imprinting on a newborn child, Jacob kissing Bella without her consent, Edward manipulating Bella in New Moon and lying to her in Eclipse. Honestly, the first half of Breaking Dawn was just a mess of issues. Not to mention the domestic abuse theory when you look at the whole timeline from Charlie’s POV. And most of all, the cultural appropriation of the Quileute tribe throughout the whole saga. The way the werewolves were depicted as angry brutes (just look at the way Jacob’s personality changes in New Moon. He goes from sweet and gentle to enraged and predatory). 

I say ACOTAR is like Twilight because I believe after its hype has died down, people can look at this series and truly understand the critical flaws of it, even if it is a favorite of theirs. I still love Twilight, but I recognize it has major issues. Smeyer said she is either writing- or plans to write- a book on Jacob and Renesmee. That’s going to be a huge problem if she decides to make them fall in love (because that can always change). I will have issues with that and so will many others. One thing that I already find interesting is that Rhysand is already being criticized because of how SJM wrote him in ACOSF. People are seeing him when he’s not being described from Feyre’s perspective. People are taking issue with romanticizing Rhysand’s toxic behavior. They are drawing the patterns from the first book to the last. I can only hope that down the line these issues aren’t erased, and that they’re still prevalent topics. It is the same how people can criticize Twilight now, while still loving the series. 

I think part of the issue with the ACOTAR fandom now is how attached many are to the books. How they cannot process a criticism without it feeling like a personal attack. No one is attacking you for loving the books. We are freely expressing our thoughts on a book that we didn’t have the same relationship with. Critical thinking and deep analysis is not the same as trashing. 

This was a random rant I felt like dropping because it’s been on my mind for a little while. Wanted to get these ideas out while they’re still fresh. What do you guys think?

(Also, I totally spent time writing this out instead of working on an article for work)

[adelaidedrubman]

[ask-delivery opossum]=> ᘛ⁐̤ᕐᐷ 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 12, 13 and 15 (saying Jestiny for four won’t count btw 🤠)

LOOK AT THE LITTLE OPOSSUM. copy pasting stealing that. THANK YOU GIGI sending you and the opossum kisses<33

2. Who’s your least favorite to write?

hm. joseph’s voice is annoying. sorry to this man love him and all but. get different speech patterns. “mine is the face of truth!” who talks like that i’m going to kill you. i can write him in “on” public persona mode well enough but... things like last wildfire chapter when i had to make him a source of factual info dump? pain suffering. jacob is also not that personally easy/fun to write for me compared to others but i don’t have the same sense of “am i doing this wrong???” as i do with joseph so it’s less stressful.

4. Which character(s) do you love to hate?

i would say john but that also kinda feels like cheating tbh? i feel like all john writers hate john at least a little. nature of john. i love to hate him in the sense of he’s annoying and i enjoy making him suffer. joseph is also fun to put through it although it’s usually more in backdrop. still. funny when he suffers.

5. What’s the easiest thing to write for you?

also john. nature of john writing. i’m pissed off and annoyed the entire time but his pov feels second nature to me at this point so. what can you do

in terms of genre, definitely comedy. there at least has to be some undertone of humor in most of what i write. also dialogue. especially johnjess dialogue. shrek voice it’s getting them to shut up that’s the trick

6. What’s the hardest thing to write for you?

probably like. genuine fluff? like i can do sweet moments but it always has to be in spite of something. also scenery descriptions are still a bitch to me after all these years. OH and action. i fucking hate writing action scenes.

7. Do you plan everything out before you write or do you sit down and go with the flow?

i’ve only very recently started forcing myself to properly outline as wildfire has gotten unwieldy and i’ve begun reaching crucial enough no turning back plot points that it genuinely would be like “oh fuck!! house of cards collapses!” if i forget something. even then i have like. the next three chapters outlined and it’s in notes app and it looks like this (example from last chapter, it was this to draft one with no inbetween steps):

in general i do plan a lot out though sort of. combing things over in my head even if i don’t write it down. and i have most major plot points of wildfire decided already. like i have a very clear image and language in my mind for the Final Scene. we’ll see if i get there. for oneshots i tend to just vibe because they’re more about having a little fun and flexing the muscles for me anyways.

12. What is one character you love but rarely/never write? 

i guess not rarely/never but i don’t write faith nearly as much as i want to. i mean, tbh i guess i write faith more than fandom average lmao and she was like. the first character i ever wrote when i joined the fandom. but still not as much as i want bc a lot of it stays in drafts or is eclipsed by. you know.

i wish i’d gotten to write jess black more, i can’t believe ive only done one scene she’s probably my second favorite gfh.

13. Is there one character that always fights you when you try writing them?

JESTINY. the most i ever sympathize with john is when i want to get her to do something very simple and she explains to me the convoluted thirty five step intricate ritual it will take to get her to do it and i want to pull my hair out. like girl. sit on the fucking hay bale already.

15. What two characters did you never expect to work together?

well, in the sense that they don’t... mary may and jestiny. like they were always supposed to have most of the beef they have in wildfire (particularly in that mary may was always supposed to be a representation of jessie’s genuine breakdown in ability to empathize with Nice, Normal Folks) but i guess i didn’t expect their frenemiship to be as popular as it is or have as much chemistry to it? chemistry in the sense of lack of chemistry. but they have a compelling dynamic i didn’t fully expect. the real slowburn is when mary may finally gets to punch jessie in the face so hard.