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mess me up - paige bueckers
pairing: paige bueckers x fem!reader wc: 6.1k content warnings: language, abuse of italics, grammatically incorrect past tense flashback, smut robbery(?), pretty mature but nothing graphic synopsis: your friends invited you out to a frat party to celebrate the menâs team winning the NCAA tournament where you bump into paige bueckers, the girl who you're in love with and who you ghosted for a month after hooking up with her. a much-needed conversation at the party forces you to revisit difficult memories and give her the closure sheâs been seeking. notes: idk what this is! based loosely off of 'friends' and 'mess me up' by chase atlantic. unfortunately the smut robbery line is for real, like it's smut in the way lacroix tastes like real fruit (which is to say it's not smut, but like concepts of smut... đ (i've never had lacroix idk if this is accurate)) side note i hate writing in past tense but doing a traditional flashback scene is corny as hell! idk if it matters but this is set april 2024 (w/ a february 2024 flashback); doesn't really affect anything, so... anyway, second post on tumblr, lmk if we're rocking w it đââď¸
For the record, you didnât want to come to this party.
Itâs hot, sweaty, loud, and all you can smell is the same brand of menâs cologne and weed. The air is both stale and somehow feels wet and all you can think about is getting back to your apartment so you can shower and go to bed. You had a mock trial bright and early the next morning and your law professor was a stickler for punctuality and presentability â showing up with wrinkled clothes and smelling like a frat party was a sure-fire way to fail, and you had too much riding on your grades to let that happen.
The frat (whose name youâve already forgotten) was celebrating the NCAA tournament win for the UCONN menâs basketball team. Theyâd apparently gone back to back, which you guess is cool, but you swore off basketball a long time ago. If you had your way, youâd be at home, three steps into your skincare routine, but you let peer pressure get the best of you and allowed your friends to drag you out.
Itâd be fun, they said. You never come out with us! Youâre spending all this tuition money and youâre not even taking advantage of it. How can you say you donât like it if youâve never tried it?
You only remember that your friends are law students, too, in the most unfortunate of moments when they put their persuasiveness to the test. In the most unfortunate of moments, youâre also reminded of the fact that theyâre college students, too, because theyâre leaving you at the door and rushing off to find something to drink. You werenât upset they dragged you out. Not necessarily. You were grown enough to say no. Perhaps youâd simply set your expectations too high when they begged you to come out and you thought they would spend at least a little bit of time with you before doing their own thing. But sure. Itâs whatever.
So, here you are â standing alone in the corner of a frat party, watching as drunk college students grind against each other, laugh, and have a good time. A part of you feels like youâre missing out, but as you watch somebody throw up into a plant, you feel like youâre just fine where you are.
Youâre drawn from your thoughts when a man wearing a backwards cap suddenly shows up next to you. âYo, you thirsty?â he yells over the music, thrusting a red solo cup into your empty hands. You donât have the time to say anything to him before heâs grinning at you, eyes red and hooded. âCome dance with me. Youâre too pretty to be standinâ here all alone.â
You hear her before you see her.
âSheâs good, bro, trust,â Paige interrupts smoothly, throwing a casual arm around your shoulders. You feel too much like a damsel in distress, but sensing the gravity of the situation, you flash the guy a light smile and lean into Paige slightly. Her grip tightens. You try to not let it bother you.
He raises his hands, surrendering. âMy bad. You got it.â
Paige hums, unconvinced, as he leaves. When heâs out of your sight, you wrench yourself out of her grip. âThank you, but not necessary,â you tell her sharply, red solo cup still in your hand. If this was how your night was going to go, then you need to be a little tipsy to survive it. You barely have it halfway to your mouth before Paige is pulling it out of your grasp, pouring its contents into a potted plant and chucking the cup into a nearby trash can. âWhat the fuââ
âFirst of all,â she begins, arms crossing protectively, ânever accept a drink at a party that you didnât pour, didnât see someone else pour, or a drink thatâs already open; matter fact, donât accept a drink unless you opened it or brought it in yourself.â
You roll your eyes slightly. âThis is Storrs, Paige. Do the frats really get down like that here?â
Her gaze is unimpressed. âYouâre the law student, ma, you tell me the numbers. Second of all, youâre welcome. That was Kylin. He doesnât take no for an answer in the first place but heâs all kinds of fucked up right now. Iâd say I did you a favor but I wanted to talk to you, anyway.â
âFunny,â you deadpan. âHere? Now?â
âWhat are you doing here?â she asks you, ignoring your snippy words. âThought this wasnât your scene.â
You pause. âItâs not,â you confirm. âJos and Chelsea wanted me to come out. Figured I should be a good friend once in a while.â
Paige raises a brow. âJos and Chelsea are too busy playing strip poker with dudes from Kappa Phi to keep an eye on you, and youâre worried about having to be a good friend?â
âFirst of all,â you say in the know-it-all tone that Paige had used on you, âI donât need them to keep an eye on me.â The blonde hums again, not entirely convinced, and the heat of her gaze makes you stumble over your words slightly. âSecond of all, why do you even care?â
âWeâre friends,â she states.
âWe were once,â you correct, voice softening. Itâs no secret that you and Paige had fucked up whatever you had going on. Itâs never been clear whose fault your fallout was (it was yours), nor could the two of you ever agree on what destroyed you (you would argue that you shouldnât hook up with your friends, especially not the ones you were in love with). It was a messy situation that you were sure the two of you couldnât recover from (you didnât want to be friends with someone you couldnât have; Paige just wants you to give her the chance to prove you otherwise).
âSure,â she agrees half-heartedly, knowing your spiel by heart now. âKinda fucked up you think I need a reason to care.â You donât dignify that with a proper response, feeling something strangely like guilt corroding your heart. âCome outside and get some air with me? Please? Just wanna talk, no funny shit, I promise.â
You sigh, feeling yourself fall back into all too familiar routines. You had a near inability to say no to Paige most times â it was the reason why you had to put a stop to your friendship. And here you are now, undoing all of the progress youâve made since youâve been apart (a small part of you knows better; youâre moving forward but youâre not really doing any better. Youâre not progressing. Youâre just stuck now, only this time, you have less than you did before). âJos and Chelseaââ
ââmade their choice,â she finishes for you. âAnd their choice was strip poker with a guy named Anthony,â she adds solemnly. You canât help but quirk a smile at the absurdity of your life right now. âCâmon, please? It fucking reeks in here. Theyâve got a porch swing outside and itâs all quiet and shit.â
âYouâve always had a way with words,â you tease.
âYou cominâ or nah?â she asks, but you shove her forward (she lets you) and she leads you through the crowd to the door. They part like the Red Sea and you canât help but admire the way she silently commands the room, feeling a flutter in your chest you try desperately to stomp out. Itâs like a fire; all it takes is a small spark before it eventually grows out of proportion. You know better now.
The door shuts behind the two of you and you sit on the porch swing. You can still hear the musicâs pounding bass, but itâs muted. You feel like you can hear your thoughts now. The tension in your shoulders eases as you take in the crisp night air, the cricketsâ chirps, the occasional owlâs hoot. For a moment, you forget all of the complicated history between you and Paige; the way she held your hand as she kissed up your thigh, the way she stayed afterwards, cleaning you up and bringing you water. It almost seems as Paige is reliving all of it, too, as she looks at you, and that thought is sobering enough to bring you back to the moment.
You finally get a good look at what sheâs wearing. Itâs nothing outstanding; a gray Nike tech suit and a pair of dunks, although sheâs opted to leave her jacket unzipped, revealing the crop top underneath. Sheâs dressed for comfort, though the most unfair part of it all is how good she looks when sheâs not trying. Her cheekbones are sharp, eyes blue and wide and alert, and you canât help but notice how fitting a slick-back bun is on her.
This was precisely why you needed your space. You couldnât control your thoughts or feelings. It was manageable when you minded your business â the phrase out of sight, out of mind did wonders for you and you were usually busy enough that she only crossed your mind once or twice a week when the student population was buzzing about a recent game. But now? Now youâre fucked. Youâre inches away from her and youâve allowed her to pull you back into her orbit. Sheâs the Earth and youâre a meteor â any closer and you wonât be able to come back from the damage you would do to each other. She would survive, youâre sure, but youâd be destroyed in the process.
âSo,â she says slowly. You avert your eyes, staring at anything but her. âHow you been?â
âGood,â you lie. âKeeping busy.â That part was less of a lie, but it wasnât her business to know.
Paige has always been good at reading you, so she gazes at you like sheâs not convinced. âI think weâre overdue a conversation,â she says, surprising you. âA real one. No more of this running in circles bullshit.â
âOkay,â you agree hesitantly. You finally meet her eyes. Theyâre strikingly blue, disarming, and you feel an odd mixture of guilt and longing eat away at your insides. She looks like sheâs drinking you in, like sheâs trying to understand why you did what you did; her eyes soften in the dim glow of the porchlight and you canât help but flush under her gaze. She always understands you in spite of how often you push her away â she seems to understand why you keep her at armâs length, too, and itâs then that you fully understand how overwhelming it is to be known.
âWhy did you leave?â she asks finally. You have to swallow back the bile in your throat. âThe morning after.â Her clarification does nothing to soothe the turmoil in your stomach. âI thoughtâŚâ Paigeâs throat bobs as she tries to find the words. âIt wasnât a hook up. It meant something to me â everything to me. So why did you leave like that shit ainât matter to you?â
That night in February comes back to you in the blur of a memory. Youâve thought about it so often that you could write a play-by-play of it; every single unremarkable detail comes back to you in a flourish of vibrant color â the way the floor felt beneath your feet as Paige guided you into her room, the slight scratch of her nail against the base of your neck as her hands found purchase in your hair. Paige was wrong. It meant something to you, too much to you. You often remind yourself, if it meant that much, why was it easier to run away? Jumping off of a diving board into a pool conceptually means the same thing as jumping off of a cliffside into beach waves; the jump isnât the hard part, itâs the reminder of the distance between your feet and the surface. Your feelings for Paige are too consuming. Itâs easier to not make the jump at all than it is to worry if youâll be able to come up for air.
She was in high spirits, drunk off of their win against Villanova. They werenât an opponent youâd typically call home for, but the Huskies were having a tough season with several injured players and a lot of underclassmen. It was close, 67-46; Paige had contributed to a little less than half of their points overall with a solid 31. She was happy, the rest of her team was happy, and sheâd begged you to come over to her apartment for the post-game festivities â which was usually games and snacks as they werenât big on drinking during the season. Youâd nearly refused at first. It was supposed to be a small team get-together and you had some work to catch up on. You eventually gave in, like you always do. Paige had flashed her typical, charming smile, looping an arm around your waist, and you were a goner.
The team accepted you like you were one of their own, too. That was new. You didnât spend as much time with them as you did with Jos and Chelsea, but it felt like you knew them better than you knew Jos and Chelsea, anyway. Ice and KK were two menacing peas in a pod â they were like sisters separated at birth and whenever they were together, something chaotic was bound to happen, but they loved and protected fiercely despite the way they teased each other and the team. Caroline was like the team mother and many of the girls called her such. Nika was intense on the court, but off of it, she was Paigeâs twin through and through â they always had something to say to each other and their banter often brought smiles to everyoneâs faces. Azzi was sweet and well-loved by the team (and the student population in general). She introduced you to her and Paigeâs son Ines, which confused you at first, but Paige threw her arm over your shoulder and assured you that theyâre only co-parenting because Carol has enough children and they didnât want Ines to be a ward of the court. You couldnât help but smile at that, leaning into Paige â something about the teamâs dynamic healed you a little, and Ines joked that Paige went out and got her a stepmom.
You felt the blush creep up your neck as Paige tightened her grip around you slightly. âI didnât want you to find out like this, son,â Paige had said somberly, pretending to look sad as Azzi rolled her eyes. âYour mother was havinâ an affairââ
âOh, bullshit!â Azzi cried. The entire room broke out into fits of giggles.
âNow I understand why Paige wifed up a lawyer,â KK said in between laughter. âTryna get a discount on that divorce, huh?â
The team had tears in their eyes from their excitement â you didnât have the heart to tell them you were hoping to specialize in civil litigation, so you just laughed along. The conversation continued to flow as games were played. Nika was exceptionally bad at UNO and Paige never let her hear the end of it. You guys only managed to play a couple of rounds before Nika suddenly got good and played a +4, prompting Ice and KK to stack +4s of their own onto it â Paige stared in disbelief for a solid thirty seconds before picking up 12 cards and rage-quitting one turn later when KK skipped her.
âThere, there,â youâd said, lips trembling as you tried not to laugh at the look on Paigeâs face. You rubbed her shoulder comfortingly, and she pushed you off her gently, her own lips quirking in amusement. âShow this card game whoâs boss.â
âBro,â she grumbled, but she couldnât keep the smile off her face as she leaned back into the couch, her arm finding home over the back of your shoulders once more. You remember wondering if this is what normal felt like, what finally finding a community was like â you fit in too well with Paigeâs teammates and they made you feel at home. Being near Paige made you feel at home. She was talented that way. She had an uncanny ability to make people feel at ease, regaling them with jokes and an endless supply of charm. When you realized you were in love with Paige Bueckers, you werenât surprised about it. If anything, you might have been a little upset with yourself â you were sure you werenât the only person sheâd drawn in unintentionally, ensnared in a web whose latticework was meticulously shaped like basketball netting.
As the night went on, more and more laughs were shared until the clock reached midnight and many of Paigeâs teammates got up to leave. Everyone shared hugs and affectionate goodnights. All of them even looped around to hug you â which was⌠nice. Paige shared her apartment with Azzi and Aubrey, so they retired to their own rooms after curious glances to you and Paige, still curled up together on the couch.
The apartment was quiet. You could hear the ring of silence as it enveloped the two of you, Paigeâs gentle breathing, and the tick of the clock. It was oddly comforting; normally, it would have lulled you into a drowsy state, but you couldnât focus on anything but the heat of Paigeâs body next to yours, the brush of her thumb against your shoulder. Feeling both unmoored and tethered, you shift next to Paige, gathering her attention. âI should go,â youâd whispered. Her thumb halted.
âStay,â she requested. She tilted her head. Her gaze met yours. You expected her eyes to be half-closed, dim with sleep. The rasp of her voice was attributed to a tone you knew sheâd adopt when she was exhausted, but her eyes were wide, alert, dilated, a blue so dark you were sure you almost mistook the sheer want for something else. âStay,â she murmured again. âPlease.â
âYeah,â you agreed almost breathlessly, feeling her hand squeeze your shoulder gently. âSure.â She untangles from you and stands from the couch, offering you her hand, and you take it. She led you seamlessly through the dark of her apartment into her bedroom, where she released you long enough to rifle through her drawers, having found you a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt for you to wear to bed. Paige pointed you towards the bathroom. You changed into her clothes. Your fingers had shook with anticipation at the sheer domesticity of it all as you stared at your reflection in the mirror. Your â her â t-shirt read HOPKINS GIRLS BASKETBALL. It had all felt so different now. You hadnât been sure at the moment if it terrified you or excited you.
You exited the bathroom to find Paigeâs back to you, adjusting the band of a pair of basketball shorts around her hips. Her hair was out of her bun and it cascaded down her back in loose, wavy strands; youâd felt an inexplicable urge to run your fingers through it, to find out if her hair was as soft as it looked. She was wearing a dark black sports bra. The two of you were friends. Granted, you were in love with her, but the sight of her wearing nothing but ball shorts and her Nike bra shouldnât have done the things it did to you.
âWhich side is yours?â youâd asked, mostly to break the silence. You ignored the crack in your voice. Paige paid it no mind as she turned, which forced you to avert your eyes, trying not to glance at her abdominals.
âDonât matter,â she responded. You watched the way she moved, sitting low on the bed, legs long and stark against the purple of her comfort. âYou gettinâ in or what?â You hoped she couldnât see the flush on your neck. You slid into bed next to her, hoping to maintain some sort of distance, but she refused to let you get too far. She slung her arm over your waist, fingers brushing against your skin where your shirt rode up. Her breath was even against your neck and the heat of her body nearly turned your brain into mush. âThis okay?â she asked, tone softer.
âMhm,â you hummed, afraid to speak or you might fuck up and tell her just how okay it actually was. Paige was just a touchy person, you tried to remind yourself as you felt the tickle of her hair against the nape of your neck. This doesnât mean anything to her. It was all for naught. It did little to quell the way your heart raced, the way the heat pooled low in your belly.
âYou looked good tonight,â she said casually. You tried to stop the goosebumps as they rose on your flesh. âYou always do.â
Unable to think of something smart to say, you shifted your body slightly, your fingers splaying over the arm she held tight around your midsection. âOh, yeah?â Her fingers brushed a little lower on your stomach, grazing the waistband of your shorts.
She hummed an affirmative, pulling you tighter against herself, and you could barely breathe. It was overwhelming in the best way â she was all around you. Physically, you felt as though you were in her skin as she greedily pulled you in. The scent of her was everywhere; the shampoo that seeped into her pillows, the cologne on her neck. Your hair stood on end as her lips brushed almost imperceptibly against the shell of your ear. ââM glad you came tonight,â she whispered.
You flipped on your side, face-to-face with Paige. Her arm moved enough for you to get situated and once you were, her hand found the small of your back, her palm warm against your skin. You canât help the way your breath hitched, even as Paigeâs eyes seemed to take in the stuttering rise and fall of your chest. Having found some courage, you poked her cheek, drawing her eyes back up to yours. âWhat are we doing?â you asked finally, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable. Her brow raised slightly, the dark blue of her gaze illuminated by the streaks of moonlight through her window. âNo funny shit, Paige. You touch me like you want me, claim me in front of your friends.â You searched her eyes as she fell silent. âWhat are we doing?â you repeated, voice firmer.
âI want you,â she confessed after a few heartbeats of contemplation. She leaned in closer to you, your noses nearly brushing, and she continued, âI want you so fucking bad. Donât wanna do anything youâont want, butââ
Your lips were on hers before she had the chance to finish. She responded eagerly, one hand firm around your waist as she flipped the both of you over, pulling you to straddle her waist. You leaned down, your chest against hers, hands on each side of her neck. You felt the thundering of her pulse under your fingers. It was stabilizing in a sense â words were one thing, but to feel how badly youâd been able to affect her, too, did wonders for your growing ego. Paigeâs hands had found your hips, keeping you pressed against her body.
You parted briefly to catch your breath. Paigeâs chest heaved, her lips shiny and swollen. She was hard to look away from. For a moment, youâd wondered if this was worth it. Your heart had raced, beating uncontrollably; it felt like too much and not enough at the same time. Everything would change between the two of you. Was one night with Paige worth the risk of losing your friendship? You feel too strongly, too much, overwhelmingly. Youâve been told by an ex or two that you were simply too much. You wouldnât want to subject Paige to that.
Her right hand met your face, tracing the line of your bottom lip. âYou want this?â she asked. Her eyes were blown wide, more pupil than iris, but something about it entranced you. The desire in her eyes had brought fresh heat to your stomach, but coupled with the fact sheâd be willing to stop made your heart beat a little faster. She was enough to quell your worries, settling the irregularity of your thoughts. You nodded, leaning down to connect your lips again, but her hand was insistent against your jaw as she held you back. âWords,â she commanded.
Youâd barely resisted an eyeroll. âYes, Paige,â you affirmed. Her hand loosened, eyes searching yours. âWant you.â
Her smile turned smug. âYeah? How bad?â
The tease sent white-hot desire straight through your body as your hips rolled against hers, trying to find some relief. Her hands fall back down to your waist, helping you rut against her thigh as a shared flush creeped up both of your necks. âYou gonna touch me?â you breathed against her lips. Her breath came out a disjointed stutter when you guided her hand to the swell of your ass. It was unnatural â Paige was so sure, so confident. To have her nearly at your mercy was like a drug through your veins, but you didnât want her there. You wanted Paige fully in control; you wanted her to take care of you, to give you everything youâd fantasized about for months on end. You wanted her so bad it rewired the coding in your brain. There was something about her that broke down all of the walls you spent years building.
Your actions and words had been the only permission she needed. One of her hands gripped the flesh of your ass as the other one cupped the back of your neck. Her nail scratched you inadvertently as she dragged you back down to connect your lips â the slight echo of pain caused you to whine against her lips, a sound she swallowed greedily before she flipped the two of you over once more. Your head fell back against her pillows as she rucked up your shirt, finding that youâd opted to not wear a bra. She groaned indulgently, one large hand coming up to squeeze one of your breasts and her mouth finding the other one.
You ran your fingers through her hair, gripping it tight as she lavished you with attention. âSo fuckinâ pretty,â she murmured against you, voice dripping with want. She pressed her knee against your core as she found her way back to your lips, kissing you deeply and drawing another whimper from your parted lips. It sent a jolt through your body. âYou gonâ let me do what I want, huh? Get you right?â
âPaige, please,â you begged, all of the shame having left your body as you ground down against her knee, feeling the pleasure and relief simultaneously. âFuck, do what you want, I donât care â just please fucking touch me.â
She shushed you, lips back on yours, tongue brushing against your lips like she was trying to take whatever youâd give her. And at that point, you would have given her anything if it meant sheâd stop teasing you. âI got you, ma, jusâ relax,â she whispered against your lips. She trailed a blazing path down your chest, leaving hickies as she went. Paige reached the waistband of your shorts; she pressed a sloppy kiss to your navel before bunching her fingers in and pulling them off, throwing them haphazardly into the room.
The air was cold against you. You were breathing heavily by then, eyes squeezed shut in anticipation. Her hand untwisted yours from the bedsheets, linking your fingers together, and that touch alone was enough to bring you back down to earth. âI got you,â she promised again, reminding you, pressing diligent kisses against the inside of your thigh. You relaxed ever so slightly against her, feeling as though you could breathe a little easier, but your body was still incredibly high strung. Paige squeezed your hand. Then her mouth was on you, and you were done for.
She held your hand as she went down on you, talking you through it until your orgasm reached its peak and you sunk into the bed bonelessly. She didnât release you when she came back up, her smile a mix of smugness, pride, and quiet adoration. Paige kissed your knuckles, your cheeks, your lips, drawing a contented sigh out of you. âYou good?â she asked, brushing your hair out of your eyes, hand cradling your jaw.
Exhausted, all you could do was hum an affirmative. Paige flashed a small smile again, pressing a kiss to your forehead and crawling off the bed, much to your surprise. âLemme get you some water,â she said. ââM coming right back, I promise.â
You nodded wordlessly, closing your eyes and sinking back into the pillows as your breathing evens out. She left her room, the door shutting with a silent click. In the silence of Paigeâs bedroom, curled up in her purple comforter, all you can think about is how the future of your friendship has inexplicably changed forever. She said she wanted you. Did she just mean sexually? Paige was always intentional in her communication, a byproduct of her media training. Tears brimmed your eyes when you considered the idea that you might have just been another Wednesday night fling for her. Here you are again, feeling stupid about the overwhelming feelings you harbored for Paige despite your better judgment. The worst part was that it wasnât her fault. You got your hopes up.
You wiped your eyes when you heard the door open again. Paige crossed the room, cracking open a cold bottle of water for you and pressing it to your lips. You nearly forgot about your inner turmoil when she smiled at you again, having thrown her hair back up into its bun. âGonna clean you up, okay?â she informed you. At your nod, she runs a warm washcloth between your thighs, getting rid of the lingering stickiness. She carefully redressed you, squeezing your hips gently, and youâre left feeling so incredibly conflicted that youâre breathless with the anxiety. Paige disposed of the washcloth and curled up next to you in bed once more, an arm wrapping around your midsection. Youâd told each other goodnight, but as her breath evens out against your neck, your mind races.
You slept fitfully through the night. And when morning light rolled around, you extracted yourself from Paigeâs grip, sliding a pillow into her arms. The nervousness and all of your overthinking thoughts made you queasy with grief. You were in love with Paige Bueckers. That much was true. You were too head over heels for her to return to normalcy; you couldnât. At that point, it would be easier for you to not be friends with her at all than to pretend like she wasnât everything youâd ever wanted.
As she slept, you casted one last guilty look over your shoulder and you ran.
But that night in February has long since passed, and on the porch swing on a much warmer night in April, Paige stares at you in desperation, seeking answers to the questions youâve withheld for over a month. âWhy did you leave?â she asks you again. âFuck, tell me the truth, lie to me, whatever, just please give me something to work with.â
âIt was overwhelming,â you finally admit, twisting the rings on your fingers. You feel terrible as you glance at Paige, whose eyes soften when she takes in your expression.
âIâm sorry,â she says. âI shoulda seen that something was wrong.â
You close your eyes, lips trembling. Youâre touched at how she instantly takes responsibility for your fuck ups, thinking sheâs done something wrong. âNo, Paige,â you correct her. âFuck. It wasnât you. It was never you.â You pick at a loose string on your shorts. She stares at you, waiting for you to continue. âYou were so gentle. That night meant everything to me, and that was the problem. I wanted you so bad â Jesus Christ, I was in love with you for months. I donât do casual. I always feel too strongly and I loved you so much that it was fucking overwhelming. I woke up and nearly lost it because I couldnât handle the idea of having you like that and having to pretend like I didnât want you like that forever. It was so much easier to run and not face the possibility of having to be your friend when all Iâve wanted was more.â
When you finally look back to Paige, her eyes are wide with something that looks strangely like grief, like youâve pulled the rug from under her feet and watched as she fell. As you think about it, thatâs probably what youâve done, anyway. She spent so long thinking that your fallout was her fault, that it was something sheâd done, but the ugly truth of the matter was that you were too scared of the way you felt for her that you ran from it instead. Paige runs a frustrated hand over her jaw, her expression nearly unreadable. You frown. âIâm sorry,â you say quietly, knowing that your apology is long overdue. You fucked up so incredibly bad with her. Your brain remembers her prior words, the âIt wasnât a hook up. It meant something to me â everything to me,â and you suddenly feel like an idiot. God, it was mutual this entire time and you were too caught up in yourself to realize it.
âYou think too fucking much,â Paige says finally, and you hardly have the time to react before sheâs kissing you, her hands gripping your hips. You nearly gasp against her lips before you fully register whatâs happening. Sinking into it, you wrap your arms around her neck, feeling suddenly like everything is finally aligning, that all of your blurred focal points sharpen. When she pulls away, her eyes are alight with understanding. âSo, lemme get this straight. You pushed me away âcause youâre in love with me, then we fucked, and you thought I wouldnât wife you up?â
You frown, feeling stupid all over again. âWell, when you put it like thatâŚyeah?â
Paige sighs. âFuck. Look at my lawyer â youâd send dudes to jail left and fucking right âcause you jump to conclusions too early. Thank God youâre not going into criminal defense.â
You shove her away from you, feeling the embarrassment bloom on your cheeks. You canât help but laugh as you say, âYouâre an asshole.â
She guffaws, reaching for your hands, intertwining your fingers. âSays you! You ghosted me for a month and let me think I fucked us up. Jesus Christ.â She twists the ring on your finger mindlessly as she searches for the right words. âOkay, lemme be really fucking clear. Iâm in love with you, too. Like, Iâm fuckinâ crazy about you. There is nobody but you. You arenât too much for me â I love you for you, no ifs, ands, buts, whys, hows, nothing. I know you thought you were protecting us by pushinâ me away, but you gotta let me make that choice, too. I want this with you, alright? Will you gimme that chance?â
Her words leave the two of you in silence. You can still hear the chirp of the crickets, the thrumming from the party indoors. You can feel the way her thumb brushes over your knuckles, the way her eyes bore into yours, patiently waiting for your decision. But distinctly, you can see the plea, the desperation for you to just give into what she knows the both of you are feeling. Your anxiety and constant overthinking never ruined the two of you. It may have set you back, but you and Paige found your way back to each other. Maybe youâre not a meteor, dangerously crashing into her and disintegrating on impact. Maybe the two of you are something simpler â the moon and the tide. She was never going to let you get hurt if only youâd give her the opportunity to show you that.
So, you take that leap â whether itâs off the diving board into the pool or the cliffside into beach waves, you donât care. You know now that Paige is waiting for you at the surface. âI want this, too,â you affirm, watching the smile bloom on her face like springtime flowers, and you seal the deal by pressing your lips to hers. She responds eagerly, her arms tight around you. You loathe that it took the two of you this long, that it was your fault for not trusting Paige with your heart when sheâs given you no real reason to doubt her; despite this, her lips taste like forgiveness and yours like atonement. In spite of everything, you made it here in the end, and it was worth it.
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No. I wasn't missing the point of most criticism. Literally, I saw post after post of people saying they wished the characters could be mean to each other. Some posts were more specific, like "I don't like Taash," (and I'm sure you can imagine what THAT'S about) and some were more ambigious but cited DA2 and how everyone was bitchy toward each other.
I honestly don't care where you work and what you do, because hopefully most of us after the age of 30 have experienced an adult job where we have to be reasonable with our coworkers, even if we strongly disagree, or outright dislike them. I had the suspicion that most people who think that there is "no conflict," or "low conflict" or "bad writing" in this game haven't experienced this kind of setting in any capacity. What I'm now hearing is that you might have, but you didn't absorb any of the dialogue, or switch out your party to listen to banter, which is an essential function for picking up information in any DA game.
I walked around Arlathan with Lucanis and Harding, and they have a whole ongoing conversation in which she threatens him with one of her special arrows. And he agrees that if Spite should take him over, she should do something about it. Harding isn't frightened, because Harding isn't a pushover, but she's not taking any shit either. Did you walk around with just the two of them right after recruiting Lucanis? Did you frequently visit the rest of the companions so that you could see just how much Lucanis and Davrin *didn't* get along? Neve mentions what sounded like a knock-down drag out fight.
**Just because this isn't explicitly mentioned to you doesn't make it bad writing - it means you haven't had the time we had with Inquisition to play the game over and over and switch out your party so you can see everyone's interactions with each other. You will actually have to play the game multiple times and switch your party out a fair amount in order to see these interactions. Or wait for people to post them to tumblr. You can complain about how unfair this is, or remember that Inquisition has 10 years on this game, and it's been out for just shy of a month.**
Why in the absolute fuck would Davrin manufacture conflict between himself and someone he could easily conjecture isn't pro-slavery based on the fact that within five minutes he could find out she's from Dock Town, she's a private investigator working with the Shadow Dragons, and LITERALLY WHEN YOU GET ONTO THE DOCK WITH HIM, her first priority as she's running back to Minrathous is to say "if the dragon wrecks havoc, the Venatori will take over." Davrin isn't an idiot, he could pretty well surmise that she's not "pro slavery" with only the barest of interactions and Rook saying "yeah Neve's cool."
Why would Neve yell at you? Why is it bad writing for the writers to give Neve a personality you don't agree with, because you're uncomfortable with how she reacts? Neve's an adult who is used to working on her own and people not showing up for her - she says this MULTIPLE TIMES - it's actually a large arc of bonding with her, as a friend and a lover. She's not going to scream at you, she's so far past the point of being loud about disappointment, she's on the other side, for one, and for another, she does in fact understand that the entire North of Thedas is on fire and blighting Treviso is pretty fucking bad when it has no major defenses. Rook doesn't endlessly apologize. She came back after a short pause and while I didn't have her healing abilities after that, it didn't take long for me to boost my bond with her back up and feel like we were friends again.
This honestly feels like you're having a personal reaction that you need to examine, and it's not something to do with the writing, since the game mechanics and the dialogue don't actually bear out what you're putting down here.
All of the companions who have conflict initially have to figure out how to trust each other and it sometimes takes most of the game for them to do that. If you didn't spend the time listening to their banter as they work their way through it, that's not Bioware's problem. That's you. And...I don't want to have repeated conversations where I go into Emmrich's (my romance) room and "vent"? I didn't do that with Cullen. I didn't do that with Anders. Why would it suddenly be a thing here? But if you listen in to people's conversations, they do express dismay and doubt and fear about the various quests they've been on. Again, it feels like you didn't spend the time eavesdropping or taking people out and listening to banter.
I have no idea what you're talking about with flirting. I flirted with every companion at first even though I knew I was running for Emmrich, and all of them responded according to their personality. I romanced Cullen in Inquisition, and he was pretty quiet initially, until you get to Skyhold, and similarly, most of the companions here retain a certain reticence until the game progresses. But if you're looking for people who get flustered - Lace and Bellara absolutely do! And Emmrich isn't flustered, but he's taken aback a few times before he collects himself and flirts back - though whether you'd actually recognize it for flirting, I'm starting to wonder. The fact that you can't tell with Neve is actually making me tilt my head at the screen, and I say this as a self-confessed disaster who is very very bad at knowing someone is interested. Even I can tell what's going on in DA romances.
This is probably a lost cause, but I urge you to either spend time playing the game again, or watch someone else who really loves DA (and is Veilguard positive) play so that you can watch without being in the thick of it, and hopefully experience more dialogue and different choices.
No, I'm not done yet, I'm house sitting and she left me snacks and soda and not even god could keep me from venting my spleen at this point.
"I wish the companions were meaner to each other in this game, like in DA2."
While I think there's a larger argument to be made discussing the similarities between DA2 and Veilguard, I need everyone to get so close to me right now about a glaring difference:
DA2 involved a ragtag group of assholes with their own agendas coalescing around Hawke's personality or exchange of favors. There was no larger "goal," except maybe Varric's expedition - everything else is encountered as circumstance. You wend your way through your companions' stories while a city winds ever tighter into itself, a spring about to literally explode.
There's zero reason for these people to be nice to each other. They have no point in being around each other except Hawke. They can bitch at each other all they like.
Rook becomes Varric's second in command (I've seen one post say it's about 6 months before the events of the game) with an explicit purpose: find and stop Solas. Harding and Neve are recruited as experts in their respective fields for this particular goal. When it all goes to shit, Neve recruits another expert, Lucanis, to deal with the fallout, and Harding finds Davrin, *also* an expert in his field (monster hunting). When Rook has to make a particularly consequence heavy decision, two more are added to the crew: Emmrich (Fade expert) and Taash (dragon expert). All of these people are extremely competent, and know from the jump that they have one particular goal in mind.
They join ready to work together on Day 1 because if they don't, there's simply no other alternative. It's lights out. Even when they mistrust each other, the direness of the situation is not lost on them. Infighting serves no purpose. That's why the struggle is directed inward: clean up your own house, so we can move as a single unit.
Honestly the fact that what people took away from this game was "I wish my friends were meaner to each other" and not "wow, I wish we all worked together to keep evil dictators from taking over" is fucking mindblowing when I sit back and reread this.
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Since I didnât want to set the kitchen on fire two days in a row, Lilac was on cooking. Mister knows what's up - he woke early and went downstairs to keep her company and enjoy some one-on-one time while everyone else slumbered.
Upstairs Forest awakes, promptly judges my decor. Listen, I promised you an authentic farmhouse experience, and an authentic farmhouse experience is what you got.
Lee with his choice of sleepwear clearly said âsunâs out, bumâs out.â
Lilac, look at your life. Look at your choices. And so once again itâs time for chore montage hour. Which we won't show because Tumblr's stingy on pictures.
Looks like it was good for⌠one of them?
And so we're off to fair Sulani. Forest Baywatches out, while Tiago attempts to embrace Lilac and is rebuffed đĽ She gains a sentiment from him, however? Tiago, you're too pure.
Mister and Lilac sit at the chessboard, looking for all the world like some exhausted couple who have had it with their wayward sprogs and are taking everyone to let loose in Central Park (probably not too inaccurate a descriptor). Lilac is flirting hard, but Mister is too full of secondhand embarrassment at Tiago's CRINGE to notice.
Eventually Lilac takes up the guitar, only to be laughed at by Sage. Lee and Tiago react a little more kindly.
No oneâs watching me, thinks Sage the KLEPTOMANIAC as she prepares to make her move.
(Spoiler alert - theyâre all watching you.)
Lee mouths off at Giovanna, and is busted accordingly.
You should never have done it, says Forest, never have done it - tsk tsk Lee!
And then Forest and Lee start to argue. This seems to be too much for Lilacâs little pixel mind - between Mean and Evil, who should you vouch for - so she wanders off to flirt with Mister instead. Good call.
She then invites him to... do an activity together with her upstairs. Even better call. We'll turn our attention back to everyone else.
Downstairs Lee is too hangry to interact with any of the skill building objects (all exactly according to Forestâs planâŚ), so he goes and confesses his woes to Tiago - all while Forest rubs salt in his wounds by using the punching bag behind him.Â
Sage and Giovanna decide to leave the boys to their nonsense - they are making good use of the skill building objects, and building up a sweet sweet friendship besides. But we all know that femme sims can multitask.
Who, me? Giovanna is almost as good as Forest at hiding her more dastardly impulses.
Lilac and Mister continue their flirtations upstairs, aaaand Lee and Forest now pretty much hate each other.
(I had too many photos for one post, but not quite enough for two, so there will be a smol 'post credits' update eventually.)
@riverofjazzsims @ravingsockmonkey @fl0pera
@igglemouse @panicsimss @simsfvr
#simply lilac#simply lilac round one#lilac moon#forest green by riverofjazzsims#giovanna goth by ravingsockmoney#lee duncan by fl0pera#mister maxwell by igglemouse#sage goth-vatore by panicsimss#tiago pecholobo by simsfvr#tw: gif#cw: gif#let's go chaos household
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It's like Tumblr has become almost a diary for me, thanks to no character limit and a read more button. This atmosphere of acceptance and understanding helps a lot too.
I'll get back to posting actual art, juggling with Twitter and Bluesky along with commissions is taking up a lot of my time.
Anyway, thoughts about art community and being social
For the longest time I've had this feeling of being an outsider in this vague community of artists that see as colleagues of sorts. Like I meet all the "criteria" of being in the group, and yet don't really feel like I'm part of it. Well, it seems I am right in some way, and the reason is that they interact with each other, while I sit here drawing alone.
Unfortunately I've always been prone to isolate myself from others. I grew up feeling like I should be ashamed of loving to draw, since it was always fanart monsters, creatures and cool guys instead of "proper art" like animals and portraits. Before social media, I only drew for myself and never showed anything to anybody. I hid my art from my family, from the world, so that I wouldn't be judged. I think it is one of the biggest reasons why I have trouble interacting with people in the context of art (tbh I'm shit at being social anyway but that's a whole another problem).
Even when I had a scanner and means to post my art online, I never did, due to the whole "if you put something online it'll be there forever" mindset. My first actual account anywhere online must've been Facebook in 2010ish, where I only had a few friends. It was the perfect place for me to finally post anything online, and so I did: I used to post pretty much everything I drew on there. Slowly gaining courage, I eventually made my original Tumblr account, then Deviantart, Twitter, etc.
Still, all I did was throw my art out there in hopes of somebody liking it. I didn't really know how to interact with the people who commented on my posts, so instead I mostly just... made more art. I did have some friend groups here and there, but either they ended up falling apart or my social battery drained in such a way that I slowly drifted away. I had gotten used to just being by myself and relying only on myself in the online art world.
During my design studies, I started putting more thought and work on promoting myself, so that it could be one career path for me to take. My mindset was that I'll work hard and become "big", even if it meant that one post gained me just one follower. In 2020 I ended up going viral with a meme and suddenly getting tens of thousands of followers. It was great and a welcome boost of morale, but unfortunately 2020 was otherwise one of the worst years in my life.
Throughout the years people have come and gone, so the only constant for me has been myself, and my drive to develop my skills. Thus it's been too easy for me to just isolate myself. In a way it has been my strength with regards to art, but sometimes I wish I knew how to make lasting connections. I think/know I might be autistic to some degree, which adds to the difficulty of being social. Though, to be honest, I don't know if I'd gotten this far without my autistic hyperfixations.
I guess the thing I need to do now to fix this problem of loneliness and isolation is to just... slowly try and be more social. To reply to comments and talk to people. All of which is easier said than done. Still, just gotta take that first step and then keep going.
Despite lacking the kind of community I yearn for, it seems I've made a name for myself, enough so that people seem to take pride in knowing me. Or at least that's the impression I've gotten a few times. But still, I am happy that I've had a positive effect on people. After all, my two main motivators in art are that I like doing it, and I like when people enjoy my art.
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"like this post if you want a random spn ask"
what's a spn episode that seems underdiscussed, underrated, or even hated that you LOVE?
Ok so definitely not a hated episode but unrated/underdisscussed To ME: Mother's Little Helper (Gasp Shock Suprise Vic we had no idea you like this episode lol). So I am not out here claiming it to be the Best Episode Ever - BUT I do believe it deserves to reclaim its place in Sam Girl (gn) history. If you weren't there watching this episode on Tumblr the night it aired in the middle of the Experience that was living through S9 as it aired, I can forgive you for not understanding the IMPACT this episode had on Sam Nation in the moment. Like truly there was rejoicing in the streets, songs were sung (see Fig.1), and Sam Girl Christmas was declared (thanks @agelade) (see Fig.2)
Fig.1
Fig.2
This was the closest thing we had had to the hallowed Sam Centric Episode in what certainly felt like years - even though the timing split on this is I think actually pretty much 50/50 it in spirit is Sam centric because Sam spends the episode doing *gestures broadly* All That (see Fig 1.) and Dean spends it being mopey in a bar with Crowley (hyperbole employed for comedic effect).
Particular highlights of this episode personally for me:
Sam solo case - rare and precious thing (obviously I wouldn't want them all the time lol that's not the show but I do really enjoy seeing Sam working things more fully His Way which I think this episode showcases beautifully).
The implication that Sam Winchester is Better than You even when soulless lol - the fact that they even went so far as to point out that Sam wasn't "out of control" like these people and just committing random acts of violence, beautiful we love to see it.
Recorded exorcism on his phone HI HELLO HI - this episode has so much Sam's big beautiful brain but this is a fave moment for suuureee.
HENRY! <3
The scene of Sam setting the souls free and watching them return to their owners with this absolute sense of wonder (see Fig.3). It makes me emotional Every Single Time. (and was in fact a big inspiration for my fic Steps Toward the Water (shameless plug sorry but it really was)).
This episode features Sam looking (To ME) amongst the most beautiful he has ever looked like LOOK AT HIM (see Fig. 3, Fig. 4):
Fig.3
Fig.4
I can only assume that when Misha was directing this episode (still forget that fact and then Remember every time I think about it lmao) that he too was so overwhelmed by the Beauty of Sam that he felt compelled to capture it at its PEAK (v relatable I will give you This One Thing). In conclusion, Mother's Little Helper deserves it's status for its place in Sam Girl (gn) History, the simple joy of being given 1 (one) Sam centric episode that doesn't involve horrific torture, sexual assault (or metaphors for), or unrelenting angst (don't get me wrong I'm here for the Angst but just once its nice to seeee), and for being a particularly fine showcasing of Sam Beauty <3
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*Admits the blog is them playing a character*
*entire blog is dedicated to being this character*
*could not more clearly be a roleplay blog*
*proceeds to continue tagging as unreality*
#it just annoys me so much like#who actually looks at the realpokemon posts and doesnt instantly clock is as rp?#sometimes sure it takes awhile for the asker to mention pokemon but like. thats more of a 'haha i thought they were talking about something#real and was confused' and not a 'this is incredibly mentally distressing me and should have a tw' thing#did we forget about the concept of askblogs?#where someone would rp as a character(s) and answer questions in character#have we really forgotten our routes so much that people think rp needs to be tagged as un///reality?#whats next. are gimmick blogs going to start tagging that too on every post where they stay in character?#which on tumblr. is pretty much all their posts
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More of my favourite low effort CPDS Members as my screenshotted tiktok comments memes for you as an apology for being so inactive and proof I am still around hehe <33
#am just about to start my final year of university#which is pretty crazy to thing abt#so if anyones been wondering where I've been....ive been around haha#been working on shows basically non stop#apparently 13 hour day tech weeks dont leave much time or energy for tumblr posting đđ#i also get way too hype thinking abt mischief which means it takes even more energy out of me oopsie#i did work on a production this year that was basically rip off ppgw it was very fun especially knowing the context but it is so difficult#pantomime tech is so difficult things just dont like to go to plan#very rewarding tho#anyway if anyone is interested in what im doing u can follow my tech professional instagram acc @abirustagetheatretech#anyway yeah accept my badly made memes as my apology for being so inactive#love u all lots still <33#hope everyone is doing well#mischief theatre#mischief comedy#the goes wrong show#mischief theatre memes
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struggeling to draw anything for the totk rewrite bc i know the most popular stuff is some cool cutscenes or something and me working on detailed mechanics is mostly a waste of time :/
like i have alot of stuff worked out by now but it would take ages to draw concepts for all those new menus and mechanics when few people are interested in that- and while making a giant text post about it would be more efficient ... who the hell would read all that ._.
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#ganondoodles rewites totk#its pretty demotivating that alot of work i do for it is gonna go unnoticed#while some vague idea with little info of how its actually gonna go is gonna make the rounds much more#... this is in part bc the og idea of villain rauru post thing kinda blew up#.. blew up as in i got like 2k likes and over 40 comments on it on twitter#on tumblr is got over 1k notes which is also rather unusual#which is attention my art hasnt gotten in ages#i had gotten used to only having below that numbers on anythign i did#and it both motivated me to work and think about this so much more#but now its all falling into the 'feels like wasted time' category
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Bit late but in honour of Pretty No Susume I present the Pretty 5 gender scale
#sab actually posts#Enstars#pretty 5#kagehira mika#aira shiratori#tomoe hiyori#himemiya Tori#narukami Arashi#I posted this on Twitter a couple days ago and they LOVED this post so I figured Iâd put it over here as well#and when I say loved I truly mean it - this is the biggest hit tweet Iâve ever had#like it breached containment and the KR and JP enstarries found it itâs SERIOUS#and yet for all my efforts Iâve so far received only 0 comments and 4 public quotes - one of which was in Korean#and for as much engagement as it got there was so little ENGAGEMENT it kinda saddened me but I know tumblr is better than that#so I just gotta pray people actually find this and enjoy it as much as Twitter did
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Excerpt from 2024 äşşçŠ interview, found here:
For example, [while redoing the album] Qian Lei "forced" him to write a song. Qian Lei thought, this new album was extremely significant to him, so there should be a song Zhou Shen wrote himself. What's more, others have criticized him for not being able to compose. But Qian Lei knows he can---and quite well too. "It's not possible someone with strong emotions and a sensitive heart to not be able to write a good melody, it's completely not possible." Usually, Zhou Shen will hum out a melody and record it with his phone---sound engineer Xu Wei has listened to them and thought the melody lines were really good, and could absolutely be straightened out into an original song. But Zhou Shen always felt it wasn't good enough, and even said, to compose beside such a skilled composer like Lei-ge, it would be like an elementary schooler insisting on reciting their composition in front of a doctorate holder---so imprudent. His friends all know his personality---for a "master in self-deprication," being unduly humble was a daily occurrence. His old friend of ten years, lyricist ć˛çščžćĺż said: "Not just composing---when I first met him, he even thought his singing was bad. It was so upsetting to me. I'm very relieved that he at least recognizes his singing ability now." Qian Lei has also listened to Zhou Shen's compositions before, and told him, isn't this pretty good? Zhou Shen said, don't mess with me. Qian Lei said, I'm serious, I'm not joking, it's quite good. Zhou Shen said, bye bye. Qian Lei said, bye bye yourself. Thus, when working on the new album, he would use every means possible to force him to write a song. One moment he would "hold a hammer behind him and get him to hurry up and write," the next moment he would set his mind at ease, saying "you don't have to overthink it, gradually the more you write the easier it will be. I'm here, so don't worry." This song was written at Qian Lei's home---once the first step of writing was taken, the rest went smoothly. Musically, Zhou Shen already had things in mind, and a few hours later, the main melody was basically set. Zhou Shen also participated a lot in writing the lyrics. He really liked the line "I can catch the flowers floating in the wind; I don't care whether I fall into the galaxy or into the mud." But "no matter how I sang it, it felt a little off, like it was missing something." He hummed it and hummed it, and out of nowhere added a soft, low, even a little "rude", "ĺżďźĺ°çŽĄć," and "suddenly it came to life." Before, Zhou Shen had always wanted to write a song called "ĺ°çŽĄć." In his earlier years, he had randomly used these words in replies to fans, and in an interview where he talked about how his fans were never satisfied no matter what he changed his profile picture to, he ended up jokingly shouting "ĺ°çŽĄć, " and it then went viral. After that, Zhou Shen thought, as a singer, if one day I could turn "ĺ°çŽĄć" into a song, how interesting would that be. These past few years, he found a lot of people to compose its melody, but he always felt the melodies weren't quite what he wanted. The album that was cancelled also had a song in it named "ĺ°çŽĄć," but he still felt it wasn't quite right. Until now, it came to him like a "gift" from above. The first impression many people get from these three words is more or less rigid, sharp, harsh, stubborn, and capricious. But to Zhou Shen, a rebellious attitude is easy but truly knowing yourself is a long journey. "It's not necessarily about rebelling against the whole world, but you have to clearly know what version of yourself you want to be, and only then can you become yourself."
The day of the interview at an art park in Tongzhou, Beijing, the sky darkened a little. Zhou Shen took out his cell phone and played the unmixed recording of "ĺ°çŽĄć." The melody was light, "like travelling, very free." He shook his head to beat, and listened to the song he had listened to countless times one more time. "When I was writing this song and its lyrics, I didn't have "ĺ°çŽĄć" in mind, but in the end it became the "ĺ°çŽĄć" that I wanted." Moments like these, sparks flying, you think, "thatâs right"---that's the biggest joy in making an album.
#zhou shen#my translations#uuuhhh this was supposed to be a quick translation why is it so long asdfASDFASD#this post is how i learned that tumblr doesn't like it when u have too many paragraphs in a row indented OTL#but IT DOESNT TELL U IT JUST GIVES U AN ERROR MSG??? SO ANNOYING ASDFASD#speaking of annoying.... all the ppl who criticize zs for not writing his own songs#which is ridiculous for SOOOO many reasons#and like?? there's so many artists out there who are just releasing any and whatever garbage (sorry lol) they come up with#and like!!!!! thats absolutely not bad or wrong at all#but u just KNOW zhou shen could do SO MUCH BETTER#if only he was a little more confident in himself AAAAAAAAA#AND NOW WE HAVE SHAO GUAN WO WHICH IS SO CATCHY AND ADDICTIVE AND SO MEANINGFUL ;;#PLS RELEASE ALL THE ORIGINAL MELODIES YOUVE RECORDED SHENSHEN ;;#U MIGHT THINK ITS GARBAGE BUT ITS TREASURE TO US ;;;;;;;;#anyways there's a LOT (A LOT A LOT) in this interview that makes me feel like screaming crying throwing up#i might?? translate more excerpts?? idk i dont wanna step on resident ĺ¤§ĺ¸ presume's toes in case they were planning on having a go at it LOL#but anyways this is pretty unedited sorry LOL#i need to sleep now zzzzzz
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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more scenes that basically everyone sees but pointing out a specific detail i find interesting: "though i hope you don't cause a scene this time" does avery regularly cause scenes at parties?? lmao
#original post#citations#avery#i don't need to maintag any of this this is just for me. a tumblr is a diary first and foremost#i really need to start actually paying attention on avery's dates so i can better understand what her deal is. like i get the gist#but i like to know specifics. which is obvious if you scroll thru this blog for thirty seconds. also she doesn't tell us what her job is!#âbusinesspersonâ is vague#it pays enough for her to be a sugar mommy and for (gestures to the post-school helicopter scene) but her actual social standing#seems. unstable. like girlie is NOT secure in her position. i guess this contributes to why i find f!avery more interesting than m!avery#she's very intentionally being shallow and looks-based by toting around this pretty young thing on all these damn Events she gets invited t#and obviously she seeks power over money because if it was just the money she wouldn't bother suger mama-ing us#also. we're not special to her. she finds another young thing if we piss her off too much. like i said it's looks-based it's playing to#the people in power she wants to impress (and subsequently become)#AND DESPITE HER âAPPEARANCES ABOVE ALL ELSEâ NATURE she has anger issues <3 which obvi looks bad if you're flying into a rage in public!#looks bad if you're being violent towards the pretty thing young enough to be your kid who you're toting around like a trophy!#and back to the subject matter: causing scenes at parties does not endear you to anyone either girlie#she really wants to be one of the wealthy powerful socialites who has everyone under their command but she can't even rein in HERSELF#let alone her orphan of the week. my failwife <3
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more goofy camping pics to come but for now enjoy my sheer glee at finding this huge chunk of CoW (chicken of the woods aka sulphur shelf) đ§Ąâ¨
#tried to post this yesterday and Tumblr ate it and then the post button broke#kinda pissed about that ngl#canât remember what i put in the tags but it was mostly just about how great camping was#it was wet and rainy which was not the most ideal BUT it meant many mushrooms and other cool fungi and slime molds#Iâll be posting more of what I saw soon probably#most of them I was able to ID but thereâs a few that I would definitely love input on#location is PNW#saw more chicken of the woods on this trip than in the rest of my life combined#tragically pretty much all of it was quite old#this was actually one of the youngest ones we saw#also I did not break this off it was already broken off and lying below the log where it had grown#this one is also just on the end of too mature to eat for me#so we did a photo op and returned it to the log#you know that dog that found half a pie in a bush and now has to check the âpie bushâ every time?#that me with my CoW and various other mushroom spots#personal#chicken of the woods#Laetiporus sulphureus#sulphur shelf#mycology#foraging#Pacific North West#mushrooms#my face
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Iâve been spending less and less time on this stupid ass website recently and honestlyâŚ.. good
#idk I just donât find it as? enjoyable as I once did?#which is sad in a way cuz Iâve used tumblr YEARS now and I DO enjoy the way the platform functions#and I for the most part enjoy the space Iâve created#but idk#itâs getting harder and harder to find ppl I actually want to follow and interact with#not many ppl post about my interests in a way I like#and while I once had a pretty active and good chunk of ppl I followed#more and more of them are starting to be inactive#on top of that Iâve been fighting the urge to just drop off of social media entirely recently anyways#like idkâŚ.. something about it all of a sudden has started to feel very draining and not fun#not that I have a lot of social media accounts to begin withâŚ..#but I have been seriously debating just deleting most of them#I think part of it is not wanting old ppl in my life having a method of contacting me haha#but also itâs not like I use or enjoy them that much anyways#idk I have some mutuals on here I still enjoy interacting and seeing their posts and such obviously#but idkâŚ. just not been feeling it lately#which in a lot of ways is a good thing! the amount of time I spend on my phone has dropped A LOT#I mostly just use it on breaks at work now and for a little bit before bed#other than? Iâve been actually engaging in hobbies and not mindlessly scrolling#mostly gaming writing and cooking and idk itâs been nice#I doubt Iâd ever actually delete this blog#Iâll be here until this website goes down#I am starting to feel like my activity might be slowing down a lot from what it once was tho#kaz rambles
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this probably sounds exceptionally vain and exceptionally silly but one of my deepest silly fears is that I come across as an unclean person
#like I swear Iâm not Iâm incredibly passionate about cleanliness#And I donât hold any hate for people who donât have access to the right utilities and things#this is purely personal about me#but I think itâs because all small little things might look it#my hair is incredibly difficult to style without it looking frazzled and greasy when I havenât worn it out greasy in years#or I donât have very good skin even though I wash every day and I treat blemishes and things#and Iâm always like âwhat if I smell really bad?!â#and the thing is is that I might#but also I shower every single day and I wear good antiperspirant and I use perfume and I am CLEAN#this feels like such a dumb post but I got tumblr to make random posts about things I didnât talk to irl people about so here I am#like also teeth!! I clean and floss twice a day very well#my dentist is always impressed like? đđđ#but Iâm still 100% convinced I am smelly unclean sewer rat#like I wish I could be someone else for a day just to hang around me and really find out#At this point Iâm just rambling and will definitely delete this#I just keep thinking of things#like I pretty much wear the same outfit in terms of looks every day#Like itâs the same base with different jackets#and so what if that makes me seem unclean#But itâs not actually the exact same base itâs a different shirt that looks the same every day#And different jeans#And different jackets#All of which are washed frequently#I donât think thereâs anything I could do to become MORE clean but itâs like a deeply ingrained fear#anyway I pray no one has read to this point I just wanted to ramble#But hi if you have đđđ
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election thoughts
calling trump voters 'dumb' is ignorant. some of these people are dumb but a lot of them are just selfish.
blaming third-party voters is ignoring the issue re: over half the country was willing to vote for trump anyway. likewise, pointing out that trump won the popular vote and that third-party votes wouldn't have made a difference is ignoring the voting system. conversations about third-party voters in general are not fruitful. some people are just going to vote third-party and expecting them to suddenly not do so is naĂŻve. there is no scenario where third-party voters should have been the 'tie-breaker' to begin with.
a lot of people (americans and non-americans) don't understand how the electoral college system works and in general i'd advise you to do some research before you share your take. americans you should know this anyway and don't use the excuse of "i wasn't taught" if you have tumblr then you have the internet so look it up and start reading. i don't expect non-americans to know a foreign country's voting system but if you want to share an opinion please take a bit of time to learn about it before you do. i'm tired of seeing the same dialogues by people who clearly just don't understand the actual structure of the voting system.
pointing fingers at different demographics you think are to blame is useless. if you're going to find a group to blame, then blame the majority, i.e. white men and white women. otherwise your blame is completely unhelpful and misplaced.
saying she only lost because she's a woman or a poc (or both) is also misguided. its not entirely wrong but once again you are misunderstanding some fundamentals of how extremist politicians find success, and likewise are ignoring some obvious issues re: the democratic party and their campaign strategies.
equating education to intelligence to voting preferences in general is ignorant. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone actually receiving formal education. you are forgetting how many factors go into someone's state of residence. i was going to explain this further but i think no one cares so i'm not going to bother because the explanation got too long. also, see point 1. there are plenty of very smart people who vote for trump anyway.
talking about abandoning the south or red states is pointless and if i hear or see anybody suggest such measure i am automatically assuming you are a foul person. equating democratic states to morally or inherently good and republican states to morally or inherently bad is such an unbelievably superficial and foolhardy judgement and goes against all principles of unity and community that we should be fostering at a time like this.
americans ignorant to the effect that us politics has on the world need to wake up.
i don't blame non-americans for their resentment against the sphere of influence of us politics but i wish they would be less dismissive of the genuine effects this election will also have within america.
acting as though anybody doesn't have the right to be scared about the implications of this result is shortsighted at best. my concern goes beyond my own afflictions â how can you say that concern is misplaced?
i have more but i think that's it for now bc its kind of exhausting to talk about. and i guess what's done is done. idk. i'm not hopeless at all. but i'm fearing more and more than the hope i insist on having is childish. but the alternative is complete self-destruction and i have no intention of going down that road again. so childish hope it is.
#idgaf if no one reads this i just needed to post it in a place where i thought it wouldn't really generate that much noise#fortunately none of my family or friends voted for trump. so i haven't had to have any hard conversations yet regarding that#but i still don't want to talk about the election in general with them because we're all pretty upset about it#anyways. probably going to log off for a while because the only thing i really talk about on here is sports#and all of my sports are going badly at the moment anyway#and i'm busy and finding it hard to focus with everything that's going on and i think tumblr is just pissing me off too much at the moment#not that people are doing things wrong but i'm just finding myself getting more and more reactive and i don't think that's a good mindset--#to be in when participating in an online community#i guess my point is when i say i'm going to log off its not some sort of dramatic move or anything#i am just trying to consolidate my mental energy#obviously the stress of the situation is just making me more reactive than normal and i don't know how long itll take for me to cool down#i also think i've found that tumblr tends to tank my mental health sometimes because i get too comfortable doomposting#which is like the opposite of what i should be doing right now#so again i think i just need to screw my head back on before i decide to dive back in and pretend things are normal#anyways. sorry. yeah. its been a long couple of days
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