#which means I'm going to have to wait a whole fucking year to apply again

[norahastuff]

.

[sevi007]

Tales of the Abyss part 46

Where we are on the run again, while I almost forgot WHY we are on the run

(The war. It's the war. I kind of forgot that in this whole mess)

Mohs comes to mind immediately, but I think Van's whole "destroy the outer lands" shtick is close behind

Mans is very straightforward, which is rare in this game!

I'm 99 percent sure we are a bit late for that. Looking at Natalia here

Awwww. Don't worry Natalia I'm still on the regicide route if he does reject you! (I'm half serious here)

UGH Mohs

Hey! At least part of us are royality or high ranking people! "Rabble" he says

Woah what. Sacrifical lamb or what

Dangabit, we should take Noelle with us from now on. Or hide her somewhere safe.

Kinda gay Dist! (Sorry I like teasing him)

Grow up, both of you lmao. Every time you get them on screen together, I feel like I'm back in school XD

Noice Luke's the sacrifical lamb

Theoretically, shouldn't they kill Asch - ah wait, I guess they do not know about the replica situation yet. Or. Let's say they DID know and did kill Asch. Would that then fulfill the score, or not, because he is now going by a different name? Sheesh, future prediciting is ROUGH Yulia has my sympathy

Yeah, what the fuck?!

Omfg - Okay I interrupt this dialogue here to rant. While I UNDERSTAND where Luke is coming from (hello Survivor's guilt mixed with existential crisis and a hint of depression) I was so heartbroken to hear this that I nearly yelled in anger. Of course he is going to twist everything in a way that he is the culprit here!

But let's look at this more rationally - the Score is shit. (Very rational right? lol). What I mean to say is, in the Score there is everything depicting in ONE LINEAR FUTURE. I personally always saw the future as something that is endless ocean of possibilities, of different routes that can be "taken" by making different decisions. The Score only covers the "main route" of this, the most likely one. And since people for thousands of years have been following the Score so faithfully, they have til now never deviated to a different future. Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that.

So say the Score is the main route - then not even that one is a great one! That one is only great for Kimlasca and its prosperity! Malkuth is described to be covered in war, Akzeriuth would have fallen anyway, and Asch would be dead. Who knows what would have become of our party members, or Engreve, or St. Binah, or who knows what else! Is that good? No.

And so far, we only know that Luke is not covered in the main future Yulia had seen. That could mean it's a good thing! We could steer toward a new future! Or at least he does not have to sit around and just take whatever the Score throws at him

Now, let me smack that boy for being an idiot. Or let Tear do it.

YES THAT

apply that brain-to-mouth-filter sometimes, Luke. It helps.

I like how everyone else just lets Tear rip into him XD

(I love this boy but sometimes he is painfully stupid - read as "extremely unknowing, young, and traumatized")

@magicmetslogic

@ahsokaisawesome

[ughgoaway]

the sick dad matty blurb omfg ACE i’m literally unwell at the thought of mopey messy hair matty falling asleep in ur lap and being so flustered at u seeing him like that- brb fucking crying

also speaking of which genuinely insane timing how you always post smth after i’ve had a very long shift i swear theyre really the one thing i look forward to the most after work 😭😭 uninterrupted horizontal time with ur blurbs it’s true it literally is my fav thing-

also perhaps an extension of sick dad! matty but i just can’t shake the idea of teacher reader being worried about him still and asking annie about it at school the next day and annie just randomly drops a bombshell in the way kids do and says smth like ‘oh daddys so much better today! he’s all smiley and said that you chased the bad coughing monster away for him- can you come do that every time? daddy’s never had anyone do that before’ and it just b r e a ks teacher reader completely pls anyways crying throwing up

(- bff anon also has the can’t shut up disease i fear 😭）

OMG, IM GLAD YOU LIKED IT BFF!!! I just need to look after this man.

like imagine he eventually wakes up and its like 9pm at that point so you're like "okay let's get you to bed" and he's all sad and pouty and says "only if you stay over with me" but he's still half asleep and doesn't quite process what he said for a good few seconds...

wide-eyed, he tries to backtrack, "wait- I'm so sorry I didn't mean it like that! obviously, we haven't slept together yet, but- NO, NOT LIKE 'SLEPT TOGETHER' SLEPT TOGETHER!!! I MEANT LIKE JUST SLEEPING!!! ohmygod-"

you're like "no that sounds nice, let's go upstairs," and matty is silently freaking out bc you're gonna be in his bed. with him. sleeping. he's thought about this scenario 1000 times, and none of them included him being dealthy ill and not having nice sheets on the bed first.

(more rambles below the cut as always)

you get matty to brush his teeth and get ready for bed, even rubbing some moisturiser on him (he just sits there with a dopey grin as you apply)

he always thought you'd be on his chest or he'd be spooning you, but he ends up with his face buried between your boobs and he's out within 10 mins.

oh and the morning after... so much potential...

I must have spidey senses for when you're at work bff!!! the fact that my blurbs make you so happy you look forward to them??? brb vomiting???? that is so kind. horizontal time on tumblr is my fav too, its unmatched.

OH, LITTLE ANNIE TALKING ABOUT HIM PLEASEEEEEE-

I can see her spending the night at hanns bc matty doesn't want her to get ill and doesn't trust George or Ross to keep her overnight.

"Do you even know what 5 year olds eat??"

"bro, why dont you trust us???"

"Yeah... like mushed carrots and shit right. "

you put the kids to work colouring something but secretly call Annie over yo your desk, "hi Annie! I just wanted to ask how your daddy is today, I know he's been a bit poorly"

"...please take her Adam"

she immediately lights up and starts chattering away, "Oh, daddy said he's feeling much better today. he even made me my toast this morning, and he was all smiley the whole time!!! he said you made him all better and played nurse!! can you do that every time he's poorly? he's much happier when you are his nurse than when he goes to the doctors"

obviously, internally you're like "ohmygod he really likes me, and I made him feel better. oh, he couldn't stop smiling, and annie noticed because he was so happy and -"

but externally, you play it cool like, "Oh, that's great, sweetheart! I'm sure next time he's poorly, you can help him feel better too"

Annie is like, "Oh!! I hope he's poorly again soon, I wanna play doctors with you!!!"

you try not to laugh at her wishing her dad ill and just send her back to her desk, but the grin doesn't leave your face all day. thinking about the fact you made matty giddy makes you just as giddy as him.

the next day a bouquet of flowers show up at your door with a note,

"dear nurse y/n,

thank you for coming to look after me even after I cancelled our date. whilst I am slightly mortified you saw me looking like that, I'm more grateful for your help. you made being sick worth it. Spending any time with you is always worth it.

love, matty x

ps, I hope the next time you stay in my bed, I'm substantially less sick, and we're both wearing substantially less clothes ;)"

[ahamkara-apologist]

please hear me out. sagira comes back. and everyone comes together at the end of the story/raid to fuck up the Witness. and we get to see Osiris back to his peak as he unleashes hell with Saint

I appreciate how even tumblr agrees so much with bringing Sagira back that it sent your og ask (the one I'm answering rn) three times and your follow-up twice lmfao

But yeah if Cayde, (aka the guy whose death progressed the plot of the story more than he ever did when he was alive*) gets to come back, then I feel like Sagira should as well. I'm hesitant to think that we'll see her reuniting with Osiris- because I don't know if Osiris is gonna be in Final Shape when he was already in Lightfall- but I do really think that it's kinda a fucking shame that we never really got to see the full extent of Osiris's powers, given the fact that he was one of (if not the most) powerful Guardian who ever lived. Sure, we see his reflections and him popping a super in Curse of Osiris, but that's not even close to the shit he did in the lorebooks that I'd kill to see. And tbh, I'd love to see them reunite, reconcilliate over what happened, and then maybe have Osiris realize post-channeling her Light again that he really has found closure with losing it, sort of like driving past your childhood home and realizing that you've moved on for good. I also want Sagira herself to see that Osiris is okay, and that he's become more mellowed out (a teeny bit) now that he's living with Saint, allowed to do research on Strand, and has found fufillment in his job teaching Guardians on how to use it. They've been pair bonded for hundreds of years- thousands if you take into account the time distortion of the Infinate Forest- so it would be a massive wasted opportunity to not have Sagira as one of our guides, and for her to acknowledge how Osiris has grown without her. I think she'd be happy for him, even if the road to get there was hard and bittersweet.

As for the idea of bringing her back for good- it's kind of a mixed bag? I don't think that Cayde is gonna be undeaded at the end of Final Shape, so it probably wouldn't be the same for Sagira, and the arguments that people have about it undoing the whole purpose of their deaths certainly can apply there. (I also think that if Sagira was to ever be returned, it should be via the Young Wolf, Ikora, and Saint teaming up with the Sundial to do it once Mercury was returned, rather than through the Traveler itself.) But on the other hand, I think that Sagira differs slightly from Cayde in that bringing her back doesn't really undermine the impact that her absense had. For one, Cayde's death was a very fitting character beat for him; he always had a sad streak, buried grief from all he'd lost, so death wasn't something that was too jarring or terrible for him because he had lost loved ones presumably waiting for him on the other side (ex: his line 'I'm coming home, Ace'). It was also a fitting death, going out in a blaze of guns and glory, which I suspect is how he expected to die for a good long while- maybe even wanted. And his death was also a catalyst for a long chain of very undoable things to happen, the most prominent being the rise of Crow, and how he was shaped by Cayde's legacy. There is no going back from Cayde's death because of the sheer SIZE of the ripples it made.

(Personally, I think that Cayde being a ghost stuck in the Traveler Dimension doesn't exactly negate this at all, because if he's stuck in the dimension of what once-was in the Traveler, that still means Crow is needed to take his place as Hunter Vanguard- and there's a lot of potential there for Crow to meet him, come to peace with what Uldren did, and to gain the tutoring he needs in order to rise to that position. Cayde can pass on the mantle, endorse Crow to Ikora and Zavala so they don't feel guilty at giving his position to his once-murderer, and then his prescence in FS would be that last nick of closure needed to put him to rest. Which I think that he not only needs, but also wants.)

Sagira's death, on the other hand, was extremely in-character...and also extremely abrupt, and way more focused to a singular character- Osiris. It felt right that someone as stubborn and fiery and fiercely protective would have sacrificed herself to save him, and it was what allowed Savathun to posess him, but in terms of the death and the more widespread impact? Her death was abrupt, and the damage done by Savathun was reversable. Osiris himself was the one who suffered the most from her death (and Saint too, by virtue of being close to Osiris), but I'd argue that her death and its relation to him was less an earthquake chaining into a tsunami and closer to what Mara felt when Uldren died and was revived as Crow- a slap of cold water to the face. Osiris was stubborn, arrogant, entirely determined to save the whole universe by himself- and then his own actions lead to Sagira needing to sacrifice herself to save him, and he was suddenly forced to sit the fuck down and confront the sheer impossibility of his situation. He's mortal now. He's mortal, and he's vulnerable, and is now reliant on other people- so much so that it was Saint and Misraaks who saved his life, and barely. Before, he could just steamroll past all his limits and concerns- and he did- but now there are no second chances, and finally can see what that arrogance and high standards cost him. Sagira dying forced him not only to slow down, but also that he is no longer alone, and can rely on those he loves to solve the problems he used to try to take on by himself-problems far too big for only one man. It taught him how to process grief, and how to appreciate life instead of being so focused on the future that everything sped him by. And it taught him that not only was he no longer the exiled heretic warlock who did everything alone because he HAD to, but that he had a purpose beyond being a Guardian, and people other than Saint who valued and trusted him- people that he could trust in return.

Her death was the harshest lesson he'd ever been taught. Her death changed him. And that isn't something that can be undone, even if she returns and he becomes a full Lightbearer again. Truely, if she returns, it wouldn't have been for naught, because now Osiris has seen what happens when he Icarus dashes flies too close to the sun. It would just be an upgrade to the Osiris we have now, and might even soften him up further. Maybe. From super-hardass to hardass to medium-hardass, I suppose.

(And I really wanna see Ghost and her reunite, aaa. AND I want to see her meet Glint!! Just imagine the teasing that could happen if she met Glint)

Besides- Sagira is the ghost of the Phoenix. It would be fitting for her to return, and to potentially rise again. It wouldn't make sense for any ghost, but it would with her.

*Before anyone gets the wrong idea, I'm adding on a side note here that I don't think Cayde's prescence in Destiny pre-Forsaken was worthless, because it wasn't. He was a very beloved side character, and he did have his place in helping along other major storybeats, but it was BECAUSE he was the hypeman on the sides that his death became a major plot progressor. All that buildup of him being a steady constant was what cumulated in him dying being such a big bang. Sagira did the same, but the impact of her death was focused on Osiris rather than the Young Wolf

[princess-of-the-corner]

I am so sorry for this ask, I promise:

But I'm curious how the whole Rekindling scenario might be different in olor.

Like, a big part of the omegaverse is that kinks are kinda more acceptable and seen as normal since you all have a period of time where your sex drive can turn you lowkey insane.

I get the sense that while the kids may have a similar reaction on the "WAIT YOU TWO ARE FUCKING AGAIN?" front, I'm really not sure how they'd react to the exact nature of the fucking in olor.

Although. Bonus points for all of them being able to SMELL that Rei and Enji have "rekindled" and Shoto, oblivious bean that he is, still has no idea what that smell MEANS. And nobody wants to explain it to him.

Cue many an awkward moment where upperclassmen were getting teased after smelling weird being recontextualized, and now Shoto REALLY needs some brain bleach.

Oh so there's multiple things with this and I'm gonna go on tangents so!

So while some aspects of the Omegaverse are ofc horny on main, discovering kinks isn't necessarily something that would happen on its own.

Like. How does one discover kinks if you're not the type to actively look at kink content that may introduce you? Mostly by accident.

Taking Enji and Rei as an example. They have very little knowledge of kind outside of a basic 'it exists' and maybe a few baseline things like bondage. But while one may learn about handcuffs and realize they like that, unless they look into it they're not going to really think 'hey get some ropes and tie me up like a Christmas ham'(shibari) on their own.

On the other hand, they'll run into other kinks by nature. For example: both have a temperature play kink. It came free with their Quirk. But at the same time neither really /knows/ that temperature play is a common kink that people can be into .

Of course there's another category that I don't quite think applies to these two but is a real-world thing of 'hey why does this episode of Totally Spies turn me on?' so ya know.

Multiple ways to figure out kinks but the baseline 'really horny' isn't one of them.

Anyway onto the scent stuff:

I debate on whether there's a specific scent to sex stuff past like. Heat/rut blasting pheromones to entice a partner. Which is kinda different.

But it's more like. The fact that while they've been co-habitating for a while and while living together does get their scents on each other, it's faint and you'd have to be actively looking for it. But then suddenly their scents are so strongly all over the other. Add in being bad at hiding bite marks and... yeah. Figured it out.

Re: Shoto being able to connect the dots or not: In both mainline CC and olor, they wouldn't be at the 'rekindling point until probably at least Shoto's third year of high school. And at that point between living in the UA dorms and his own experiences he's not exactly clueless to the 'oh y'all are hooking up' signs.

that said!

One of my favorite shifts in dynamics that olor brings to the table is actually in the /before/ part of the relationship, not the afterward Rekindling part.

Like

This is a plot bit I kinda did in Road to Hell, it's just elongated and different in olor. But also I don't think it got across in full in Road to Hell because it's Enji's pov and he didn't notice.

But it takes a bit for Rei to really actually trust Enji at all. Even with the things he says, she's suspicious. She's not used to people who would treat her like a person. She expected to end up with a husband who would expect her to be at his beck and call. And who wouldn't take 'no' for an answer if she refused.

So when she ends up living with Enji, though he did some things different, she still expects the same treatment. So she plays into it at first. This leads to their talk in the kitchen in Road to Hell where he does his best to assure her that he wants to help her above anything else.

And while this intrigues her and she wants to trust that he's a decent man who didn't know what he was getting into with her and all...... that hasn't been her experience so she's skeptical until he proves himself.

In Road to Hell this happens quicker, as we have the 'engagment party' bit where Kaito took Enji out for a drink. Rei's too filled with anxiety because while the man can play whatever role he wants sober, who knows what he'll do when drunk.

And she anxieties herself into it. Unable to sleep. Waiting up. Preparing herself for something awful....... Only to have him ramble about liking her and try to ask her on a date.

It clicks in her head that 'oh. He actually means this. He's not going to hurt me like that.'. Ofc it doesn't get rid of /all/ of Rei's issues. Even if she logically knows what kind of man he is now, it doesn't stop years of conditionng and expectations and fear that one slip will change things

Anyway:

In olor, this goes on a bit longer. Because one aspect of the Omegaverse is 'using heats/ruts to justify sexual assault'. So it's not a 'how does he act when drunk' question for her, it's a 'how does he act when heats/ruts are in play?'.

And Rei avoids this for a bit. First heat when they're living together, she avoids him altogether. Makes an excuse of not feeling well.

That doesn't last of course. Anyone with basic sex ed knows heats are a monthly thing so if she's 'sick' every month.... yeah he'll eventually connect the dots.

Which yeah eventually it does get to a point of noticing and being in proximity and.... nothing happens. Oh sure, he definitely notices. Reacts with interest. But he doesn't make any moves.

Even so, Rei's still on edge until the roles are flipped. When dealing with his rut instead. She tries to avoid him but he's not making an effort to avoid her. And it's the same thing as before: clear interest. This time a bit more forward, as his thoughts are hazed. But the second Rei pulls back, so does he.

It's only now that it clicks. She's safe here.

[alukardtheabysswalker]

Sometimes you can really tell that people here will argue only from their First World POV, specially in regards to piracy.

Let's take books for example:

"You can get them in your library!"

Nope, not how it works here. Either the publisher has to get the rights and make an effort to distribute and the libraries consider it a good enough profit to put it on sale or the author has to do all that work by themselves. Luckily localization has become easier with time but even then that doesn't cover small and indie authors. And this applies to big franchise libraries like Ateneo or Yenny, do you think a local small library can afford all of that?

"You can request that books be added!"

Again, not how it works. If a library considers a book profitable they will sell it. You can ask if they have a book and they'll tell you if they do or don't and if MAYBE they'll have it and in most cases this, again, does not cover indie authors. You could make a movement to ask for copies of a book and or works of an author but that would be a whole lot of work for yourself and many others and they might still not take it.

"You can wait for them to restock"

That's true, I have tried that. It takes between three months and never because they deem it not profitable anymore and not worth selling anymore but they won't tell you if you ask.

"You can ask the author themselves to sell it to you or make some kind of deal"

Okay, let's consider first that this direct approach requieres for someone to be: 1)fluent enough in the author's native language to communicate with them, 2)for the author to have the time to actually negotiate with everyone that asks and 3)That that copy will not be in my own language and again I would need to be fluent in at least one language that isn't mine, specially because I'm assuming you're talking about USA authors and, this might be a shock to you, not everyone speaks English. And second, you might have nothing to offer as a bargain because you're not a reviewer and have no platform to speak of because why would you need to be an influencer to get a fucking book? So you're stuck with paying for the book full cost AND shipping which is fucking expensive. You could argue that the author might be willing to pay for the shipping out of their own pocket but not only does this mean a loss for them sometimes shipping depending on the country can be as expensive as the book itself therefore in this scenario there's no profit for the author, but also in some countries they will tax you for a book when it gets there even without shipping so one way or another you are paying more for it.

"But they could email you a pdf of the book"

Okay, let's consider again that this means still needing to go through all the work AND the copy might not be available in a language I can understand, we finally get to the crux of the topic and the main reason I wanted to make this post. Do you have ANY idea with what kind of economy we're dealing with? I'm not asking you to be an expert, I'm asking you to consider that you live IN THE RICHEST FUCKING COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. I don't care how bad the economy is there right now how bad do you think people in a third world country have it? Argentina's been having an inflation of over 40% for the past 8 years do you even know how many pesos is a dollar? No, you don't, here it is: 1 dollar=208 pesos. This will be absolutely obsolete by next week not yo mention a couple of months or years. And this is one kind of dollar, our economy is in such shambles that we have five different changes for dollars here. Do you think I have the money to buy that many books? Thank God resources like book depository exist where you can easily buy and be confident the book will get there but it's still full price and still only in English, and again still not a library here.

I am sorry for the situation of authors and indie authors in particular I really am, the way things are now they can barely make a scent and it shouldn't be that way. But also, as much as this may be a shock to you, the world does not revolve around the USA and if I want to read the books I want to read I have to either flip a coin with many libraries here and HOPE they have it or I pirate it, because if I can't then I can't read it.

[eternallyanxiousandstressed]

Okay, so the tea on the tax situation

So it's well known that in America, being married you get benefits come tax season when you file jointly. It's great, especially if you have a kid! You usually get a much bigger refund, but you have to file jointly to get those benefits... which is what Ratboy and I agreed to do

Then he turns around and tells me to file separately because it'll give a bigger refund? (False). But I can't argue because I'd have to have his W-2s to file jointly for us and he'd have to send pictures of them to me for that so...

Anyways he has the audacity to try and claim Luke (which heavily increases your refund by the way). One, I fucking BIRTHED the kid that year and for awhile we were fully reliant on my income??? you know, the income from my maternity leave??? Because he didn't have a job AND WASN'T APPLYING. Anyways, so I get a new job after my maternity leave is over because fuck Amazon. I was working full time making $18.50/hr (i think). He worked maybe 20 hours a week minimum wage ($16.50 ish). I ended up losing that job because of an at the time undiagnosed chronic illness. I instantly applied for jobs and got an interview. I started the next month. The whole process took me a month, and then I was at full time again! I ended up leaving that job at the end of September (Ratboy left his job too) because we were planning to move states but that didn't work out and also I'm applying for disability. In all of that time I was working I had to put all my money towards keeping a roof over our head and I was constantly buying stuff for Luke if I had to. But yeah... Luke was Ratboy's dependent...

Turns out I need his W-2s anyways because filing separately in the state we're in means we have to take stupid extra steps and it's bullshit. So once I explain this to him, he reveals he hasn't filed his yet and he needs to look at it because it was "being weird).

Motherfucker I swear, this asshole texts me today in response to me reminding him I need my W-2s saying not to worry about it because he's gonna file jointly because it'll give more. But this asshole said he was gonna be getting fucking $6000 filing separately. Wanna know about what I was gonna get? $450

So he was trying to majorly screw me over. Like fucking majorly. And now he's going to do our joint taxes and I swear to god if he tries to not give me my share of the money for WHATEVER reason I will be finding a way to kick his ass

Because with my portion of the refund? I'd probably have enough to sustain myself until I got the info on if my disability was approved or not. So... I could divorce him. And oh boy do I want to divorce him. The shitty thing is, we don't have room for Luke here at my dad's. If we did? Well, my dad was majorly fucked over when him and my mother got divorced... so he knows exactly what there is to fuck someone else over.

Maybe I'll wait to divorce Ratboy until I have room for Luke...

[jamesunderwater]

2, 8, 17, 21!

02: Lyrics from the most recent song that made you think of a Marauders Era character

Last night I was listening to July by Laur Elle (who is amazing btw and just put out a new album) and the lyrics below made me think of Sirius and the self-loathing of his teen years that he just...completely keeps to himself.

One step forwards, falling backwards I just wanna prove that I'm worth More than what my head tells me that I am I'll try again How do I fake a smile and feel the tension? Wait, I'm moving too fast in the wrong direction I've been running around in the dark with no light But I can't stop staying up looking for signs

08: Lyrics that make you FERAL about your favorite character

Muahaha I get to do another one >:) Okay so technically this is a prongsfoot song (or wolfstar if that's your vibe) but oh my FUCKING god I feel like Sirius Black wrote it and I scream and cry in the car to it and it tears me in two, so, uh, enjoy (giving you both the verses and then the chorus which is essentially the whole song but it's worth it).

[verse 1] Around the sun and around again You seem to look right through me Another year being your best friend Feels like you always knew me And I'm so proud to call you mine Feels like I know you from another life [chorus] [verse 2] Around the clock, we can talk for days 'Bout how we saw it coming Another sign written on my face 'Cause now my blood is pumpin' Can you just hold me for a little while? My skin is crawling, I feel vile [chorus] But what if it doesn't end well Would you still stay? What if I fuck it up like I always do And my shit gets in the way? What if it doesn't end well Would we still be fine? When the world is over and we go under Would you still be mine?

17: Lyrics you think perfectly describe Remus Lupin

Oh, the entire song Half a Man by Dean Lewis, hands fucking down. But here are the beginning lyrics. I mean ugh he literally believes he's half a man; the second line could refer to him telling Tonks things are over with him and Sirius when they're not. The rest needs no explanation imo. I mean, it's just. It's perfect.

I was wrong to say I loved her, I was wrong to think I'm right When I told her it was over, oh my darling I had lied I've been running from my demons, afraid to look behind I've been running from myself, afraid of what I'd find But how am I supposed to love you when I don't love who I am? And how could I give you all of me when I'm only half a man? 'Cause I'm a sinking ship that's burning, so let go of my hand Oh how can I give you all of me when I'm only half a man?

21: Lyrics from a song you think the Marauders Era girlies would perform if they were an all-girl band (+ tell us what their performance would be like)

I fucking love that several people asked about this one. Hot of you all. Okay first of all I need to say imagining Lily Evans as the leader singer of an all-girl band is.......one of the hottest things I've ever thought of, jfc. Okay but um anyway I LOOOOVE this song for Lily, and I think it applies to all the first war Order girlies, who were FUCKING BAD ASSES and probably disappointed people by not being the same old girls they used to be. So please enjoy a snippet of EAT ME by Demi Lovato, feat. Royal & the Serpent.

Is this what you'd all prefer? Would you like me better if I was still her? Did she make your mouths water? Ugh I know the part I've played before I know the shit that I've ignored I know the girl that you adored She's dead, it's time to fucking mourn I can't spoon-feed you anymore I can't spoon-feed you anymore Dinner's served, it's on the floor I can't spoon-feed you anymore You'll have to eat me as I am You'll have to eat me as I am

Lyrics Ask Game: Marauders Edition

[firecoloredwater]

For the ask meme: 8, 12, 25, 29

Well! This is phenomenally late. But thank you for asking! I have been slowly picking away at this by which I mostly mean the list in 12 for uhhh Too Long.

8: Do you have any rituals or habits that help you get into the zone?

Hmmm. I tend to have snacks + water with me when I write. That's less an intentional ritual and more so that I can tunnel vision on writing for five hours straight without getting dehydrated, so really it's more about not getting out of the zone, but it's as close as I've got. Music used to be really helpful, but it just sort of randomly stopped working a few years ago and I'm not sure why.

12: Are there any clichés or tropes that you actively avoid in your fics?

Kiiiinda all of them? But not in a "I refuse to write this" way, just like....

Okay so, the thing is, cliches (and tropes, when people are complaining about them in a way equivalent to cliches) are familiar. We've seen them a thousand times. They feel natural. They don't feel like a trope, they just feel like How Things Are. And that's why people end up writing cliches when they don't work well, because they feel like they work. And in a sense they do; nobody's going to be confused, relatively few people will be bothered, we can get to the next bit quickly. You just don't get much of anything out of them other than being able to move on quickly, most of the time.

Buuuuut I am kinda Invested in characters and characterization. (And worldbuilding, especially culture and society, which is basically just characterization at another scale). So whenever something feels too neat/happens too smoothly I go "wait, no, that's just the first thought, that's not the best option, that's not how individuals work" and then like... chew on the characters and the situation a bit more. And almost always I end up with something less cliche.

(If you have noticed me going "Maybe, but maybe (more complicated thing here) instead" in discord that's usually what I'm doing.)

...this might explain why I can write nothing short ever. Hm.

So the point is: I actually do like playing with cliches and standard tropes, but I do that after lots of breaking them down and examining all the pieces and doing some remodeling. And that is how we ended up with things like BSAU and tech AU.

Also technically there are a lot of tropes I avoid but that's like, the queercoded villain, the girl who's supposed to be powerful but is only ever helpless when the boys show up, etc. Cliche is not the reason I avoid them, is what I'm getting at.

Anyway though this question is an invitation to kick the hornet's nest, so a list of things that ping the "wait this is too easy, let me try again but better this time" bells in my head:

Tobirama deliberately endangering himself for enemy children with no hope/plans to gain anything from it

basically anyone falling in love while they're still enemies trying to kill each other (does not apply to HashiMada though because they have the whole river thing to like each other pre-murder attempts)(also to be clear this is about Being In Love not just thinking the other guy's hot)

Izuna is bratty and whiny and dramatic because That's Just How He Is (but if bratty little brother is a role he deliberately leans into around Madara, that's Delicious)

Hashirama being cruel to Tobirama

but also, Hashirama not taking Tobirama at least a little bit for granted

also vice versa for both of those

Butsuma being... hm, pointlessly cruel? Like I think he was absolutely an awful father and abusive, but I don't think he meant to be. I don't think he was looking for opportunities to be cruel for the sake of cruelty, he was just Immensely Fucked Up himself and his best was not very good. Which is a very different flavor of awful than if he just, like, enjoys beating up children or something

Mito having 0 reservations about marrying Hashirama (and in particular the 'go live with the Senju forever' part)

Izuna being just, way more invested in Their Rivalry than Tobirama

being a genius means knowing everything and always being right (not actually very common in this fandom but "how does being really actually very brilliant affect how Tobirama fucks up" is a fun thing to think about)

Hashirama actually being dumb

[insert Uchiha] sees that Tobirama is being abused/neglected/hurt/taken for granted/undervalued generally and deciding that this is Wrong and Must Be Fixed/they need to rescue him/etc. even though they're at war

Tobirama gets taken prisoner/hostage and wow turns out he gets treated so much better as an Uchiha prisoner than he did at home (as a result of the above or otherwise)

both of those would also apply in other configurations but I only recall seeing it as Uchiha rescue and are kind to Tobirama

honestly basically any popular trope will end up here because like. you can make any of these work very well. But once tropes hit a certain level of popularity people start just writing them without putting in the work to set them up properly and that is where I start going 'if I wrote this I would do X and it would be so much better.'

25: Are there any specific writing tools that you find helpful?

I have not had a properly functional laptop for years now and the instant I get one again--

But other than that, no. I guess I use random.org and fantasynamegenerator fairly regularly? Also Wikipedia for names and bare minimum glance at research. But those aren't really what most people mean by this question I think

29: Are there any characters, relationships, or general character dynamics you’ve never written about but would like to try?

...I mean, yes, for sure, but I have immediately forgotten them all. What's a character.

I think basically every possible version of Mito going to marry Hashirama and live with the Senju is fascinating, but I will probably never write it because I do not have the time to do the research I'd need to or to write the fic, much less both.

I'd also like to explore, like... Hashirama and Madara were both really young when they became clan heads, right? We don't get a number but they were in their early 20s at best. And that's kind of expected in that society generally and probably those clans in particular, but still, they were not prepared and I bet a lot of people wouldn't have taken them seriously. And their main backups/supporters were... their little brothers. What was going on there. I know canon assumes they just had automatic full control of their clans because clans are basically just fancy protagonist accessories at that point, but what actually happened. If this has been normal for generations, did the Senju and Uchiha even ever expect their clan heads to have actual power, or have they basically always been figureheads because they never even hit middle age? Were Hashirama and Madara (and Tobirama and Izuna) even aware of the actual political dynamics in their clan, or were they just raised and trained to be generals on the battlefield and someone else handled everything else?

Once again on politics but: yeah yeah protagonist power do we get how big a deal it is that Hashirama restructured an entire continent's whole society by building Konoha. It didn't work out exactly how he wanted (see: war still happening) but he still did it! Entire economies and cultures uprooted! So I like to think that, maybe, actually, society was already going through huge upheavals for... whatever reasons, history is always complicated, and that creating Konoha was about navigating and taking advantage of the changes that were already going on in order to like, shove Konoha in there as well. Maybe the elemental nations were dealing with economic shifts like the rise of the middle class and also a feminist movement and also advancements in farming technology have tripled crop yields and that means societal demographics have changed overnight and society is not prepared to accommodate any of it. Konoha gets built because when Hashirama proposes it society collectively goes "life is already so weird recently, this might as well happen."

[here-there-were-dragons]

what the fuck is even wrong with the staff and whatever is gong on between them and their art team at this point. it's like they have something against anything actually looking good. it's like they're contractually obligated to at least once a month fuck something up until it's not usable anymore. auraboas are going to go from one of the best ancients overnight to one of the worst and most unusable literally just because they've arbitrarily decided they need to "fix" every single gene that does anything even slightly interesting on the wings and render the entire dragon and silhouette an unreadable pile of visually noisy cheap stamped-on looking mush in the process. hypnotic? why on earth does hypnotic need to be "fixed"? why on earth does fern need to be "fixed"? much less three months later with no prior warning? the way auraboas are designed you literally *need* the blank space in those designs to make any actually half decent looking scry work, otherwise you can't even tell where half of their body parts are supposed to end and begin. why do they only seem to care about "consistency" when it means aggressively wringing the life out of everything even slightly usable much less interesting until everything is so artificial and identical looking that there is literally no point in even having different breeds because every single one of them just looks like a cutout of the same flat pattern

i was going to start adding my auraboa scries to my shopping list recently but something told me i should hold off despite the fact that i had the energy and the time, and i guess now i know why. because almost all of the scries i would have added first relied on things like fucking hypnotic orca, which the staff have apparently retroactively decided is wrong three months of allowing people to purchase and apply it later and told no one beforehand. at this point i'm half convinced they're doing it out of spite for the community reaction to fern and paisley being made objectively worse in almost every way for no real apparent logical reason, again after three months of allowing people to purchase it with no suggestion that it was considered in any way wrong beyond a minor mention on a bug report thread that only said the highlight intensity was being considered for readjustment.

the real kicker is still the fact that nearly everything they're doing wrong is covered in some way in one of the art books written by undel herself

and then there was the whole sandsurge blend thing earlier, also out of nowhere and for no apparent reason after months and months with no sign it was considered wrong.

and now i'm not really sure i should even bother scrying much less adding to my plan list literally anything, since it's been conclusively shown the rug can and will just be randomly ripped for no readily apparent reason just because there's seemingly some behind the scenes communication breakdown that makes it so the staff can't make up their goddamned mind before releasing anything and when they DO finally make up their mind it always lands on the worst blandest possible idea they could go with. i CERTAINLY no longer see the point in scrying any new breeds or genes until _at minimum_ a year after they come out, and even then we still periodically get tundra butterfly situations. their idea of "consistency" combined with how painfully apparent it is that everything is being wildly rushed and whoever is in charge of the final call has terrible fucking taste is artistically killing the game.

rest in inexplicably poor retroactive art decisions apparently, cool medusa scry. can't wait till they decide lacquer is wrong or mochlus is too colorful or something too.

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

11.27.23 Monday

6:46 pm

I still have windblow...Here again with Ely, still don't have cable wifi coz of tight budgeting and hoping that Dasca cable will still give me that promo... Whew! I don't know...

I feel fat and ugly and still trying to control not to gain that much... Still, thinking of money and job and tomorrow will apply, I need to get a job in a call center world again... Not bad! Just there in MOA's world...

Hmm... I received something from Iqor about the Esalad it is a loan for employee, I just don't get it, so weird! Still, waiting for mail coming from HR coz my rewave is approved but I haven't received anything yet... I need to get a job and money soon coz we are having tight budgeting. Still, no new class for me to join in Iqor... Weird!

Not really my ideal life, I mean I posted here that there are wealthy people who entered call center just for experience or a challenge for them or fresh graduate or people who are still in middle-class but mostly people from the crowd just like me these days... I'm so tight again and not my ideal life but this is reality life... I mean I feel envious on people who can still apply and maintain their middle-class status but I know they are as well mature. Well, people in call center are mixed but mostly "CROWD"...

But it is a challenge for me to master that fucking calling2x job and I wanna reach the product manager. There is an emotion inside me that I can't let go if I can't reach the perfection but still I have no choice but to commute and get a job...

I don't like anybody here but still thinking of the penis of Borgy. Literally I'm thinking of penis of Borgy Manotoc... I don't know, it is in my head now or on my comic strip.

Mia suggested me to apply in Task Us here in Imus Cavite but I think in Cavite they are having a hard time to get an account like T-Mobile... I remembered I applied there and I was in but the account was on a process... The good feature on Task Us, they have "sauna" room... It is kinda heaven, there in Iqor, they just have billiard table in the canteen on the 3rd floor...

I still plan to perfect my nose in God's time and still wanna remove my " deep smile lines"... I still believe in "golden aging"... But now, my priority is to get a job...I badly need to have money for my personal expenses and for John and a lil in the house... I feel self-pity...

One of my frustrations in life , I wanna have a "Christmas Tree", from the past years I wanted to have white Christmas Tree but still, tight until now...

I miss our old white christmas tree... It's been decade2x ago...

7:35 pm

This early morning around quarter to 10, shorty guy wearing black cap, went to our house and I figured out that he is one of the workers of Uncle DD and Aunt Karen, he told me his name is Kuya Jon2x...

I suddenly feel sleepy the whole day which is strange... Until now I feel sleepy but I have maturity... Gets? I'm really 100%mature now angels... I can easily notice those kinds of spell or hypnotizing or they call it "budol2x"...

I think Kuya Bong pull the light switch off, on the new house outside, I mean he switched off the light that Uncle DD said just leave the light open. Kuya Bong got the red backpack and arranged some stuff there after the shorty guy went to our house... Workers of Uncle DD and Aunt Karen.

I hope I can have money to train Neko on defense but sometimes she is my guide.. Neko hates the shorty guy, as if she wanted to bite him into pieces.

Me and this friend Ely we talked about budol2x and he told me that it is real... He had a friend before was hypnotized and controlled by budol but we both agreed that those people are not yet fully matured or awakened.

7:53 pm

Will go home walking in a lil while... Just download movies... So, thankful that we have this virtual diary coz we lost our moments and memories... It is partly sad...

[lolosrollercoaster]

so - back on an I need to write this out to process it and I guess im sharing it mood.

So ... been looking for a job since April, took a bit of a break in May but was supposed to be back in it by now but I'm just. exhausted. the depression has come back full force and I'm now lk desperate and financially stressed af.

So anyways, all of these months I kept just mass applying when I could get myself to with the full resume I had - no changes. no tailoring it to an application etc. and then I decided to apply again to this one place in sept - even though last year when I applied I hadn't had much luck, but this time around there was a position very similar to my last one - and I was lk fuck it I gotta do it.

in the mean time I've kinda been going to a psychiatrist since lk august to be evaluated bc I think I might also have ADHD. But anyways she thinks that I need to leave my house, see ppl and rejoin life in order to see if my problems are from lack of doing anything and so my mental health is fucked bc im lk stuck at home feeling useless or if its because of something else - lk idk something is inherently wrong with me lol. I think she'd shit on me if I said that out loud to her. she's kinda cool - lk intimidating cool but not in a bad way. she's just such a no nonsense person and she'll read you lk you're an open book you cant get much past her.

my mom had to go in to share what she'd seen happening with me (aka lk the outsiders perspective of what changes can be seen in me since Ive been mentally fucked) and she was so nervous ahahaha and then in the end she was lk wait do I want an appointment with her for myself? my mom is a whole character. if only y'all knew.

anyways back to the job thing, so she told me to apply to anything, I just needed to get a routine going again. so I applied to a bunch of things. and then I got a message about a grocery store job on indeed and tried to reply but I couldn't help but feel a bit sad bc I thought man I finally got a grown up job and now I'm back to my OG job roots, back to the grocery store life. And honestly I think a lot of my extended family has fucked me up on that bc they're so snobbish about these jobs. ANYWAYS so I didnt hear anything back after I answered them 🤷🏻‍♀️ so I thought ok . and around that time I had stopped applying.

fast forward to the past 2 weeks - my dog got sick, I got sick - we had the worst flu, I've had the worst period of the last few years, ive been out of it, my mom has been out of it, my dog has been out of it - also right - my grandmas death etc. (truly Oct is kinda dead to me now. so yay on that 😭 one less thing to look forward to which is sad when you didn't have much left) but yeah so then I see this email late Friday evening - which shit I usually check my email daily but this time I had forgotten bc id been sick - it was an email from Wednesday from that job I'd applied in sept that was a lot lk the one I'd left earlier in the year. and they wanted to interview me this week - Wednesday or Thursday. I managed to reply as soon as I saw it. and then I got a confirmation that Monday for it - it was an in person interview today.

I tried to prep for it as best as I could while physically dying a bit - bc lk I said been experiencing the period from hell. And yknow what that means? I'm so fucking emotionally wrecked atm- so anyways my dad drove me I somehow managed to be there, I was early, dressed professionally and everything - had even practiced some answers ... and then idk man - I think I fucked it up. They asked follow ups or clarifications of my answers but by the end I wasn't sure how to feel except man definitely didn't get that. they told me they'd make a decision by next week and let me know either way.

and the worse or weirdest part is I've spent the past few days since I found out about it trying to downplay it - lk its fine, you don't need this, if it's for you then it will be for you and if it isn't then it isn't. but I felt so sad walking out - lk idk I just got that feeling that they didn't like me. so now I'm all sad - even if all I've felt recently is that idgaf anymore and I'm ok with just dying - bc yup I got that passive suic*dal ideation down to a routine now. anyways - if anyone has any words of encouragement I'll take them but yeah I am sad .... and I have little to nothing left to give. it's been draining to say the least. and the worst part is I know my parents are just going to be encouraging and even my psychiatrist -she told me that I would get a job and it wouldn't matter who and if for some reason I didn't get something I should just think of it "well they weren't capable of seeing how great you are and what an asset you'd be to their team and that's fine because that just means it is not the job for you" but it still makes me sad know? I have trouble letting go of things and I'm way too hard on myself so it's just - A LOT.

anyways thats my life update.

[superiorjello]

So I got The Untamed on DVD for my birthday this year, because I am a bitch that loves physical media. I started watching it today, because the powers of free time and ADHD were on my side, and the first couple episodes have been... interesting

I'm not sure if there are multiple dvd releases or just the one, but mine came from VStarz Enterprise, if that means anything to anyone.

So, first off, there is a logo perma-burned into the top right corner. So that's rude. I MY MOM paid MONEY for this and there's better quality video for free on YouTube? Also there are Mandarin subtitles perma-burned in there too. And when the English subtitles are on they sit overtop the Mandarin ones, so there's like 1/3 of the screen full of subtitles. It's not great.

Secondly, some of the translations are... creative. And sporadically applied. Lan Zhan gets called the fully translated "light bearing lord" for all of episode one, but then it's suddenly "hanguang" in episode two (no -jun suffix on there either). Koi Tower gets called the Immortal Unicorn Tower? Oh, and cultivators are Immortals, apparently (can't wait to see how they differentiate someone like Baoshan Sanren). Also I'm used to "Dafan this, Dafan that" when it comes to Wen Qing's family, and it being translated as "Fan Mountain" threw me off. Does "Da" just mean mountain or something?

I did find it interesting that they translated Mo Xuanyu wwx as saying he would break his cousin's hand if he stole again, and then his arm gets demonically possessed. The slight difference between a hand and a whole arm and then still getting blamed for it anyways adds a slightly different flavor to the scene than him having already threatened the entire arm, and I dig it.

Then there's the bad translations. Our intrepid hero is introduced as "Wei Yin". There are many sentences that look like Google translate garbage; the words are technically English, but not in the right order for a sentence, or are only part of a sentence. When mxy wwx insults Jin Ling in the forest it's translated one way, and when wwx flashes back to that moment, he says something completely different. So that's funny.

Many of the longer dialogue bits flash by so fast it's impossible to read them without pausing

Fascinatingly the episodes themselves are longer than I remember, and I think it's the extended cut which I have watched bits and pieces of on YouTube but never the whole thing, which is going to be a fun experience

Overall I'm having fun, because The Untamed is always fun to me (you know, except for the parts where you cry) But I also can't wait to see what else they've fucked up!

[chaotic-history]

Source? I'm genuinely asking. Everyone is talking about JKR being a terf but they never provide sources. I've tried looking myself and found no such thing. What has she actually said or written???? (Again, genuinely asking. In my country nobody knows what she's up to and she's irrelant. Due to cultural and language barrier I'm struggling to find it and want to be fully informed)

Hey Anon,

I'm going to assume this ask is in good faith. There's a lot of online articles about Rowling's transphobia, but I've gone through and found some of the more obvious examples of it.

First of all, she said she was "triggered" (yes, she actually used that word) by hearing about Scotland's gender recognition bill, which just allowed for lowering the age for applying for a Gender Recognition certificate to 16 instead of 18, removing the requirements to have lived and been out for 2 years as your correct gender and to have a medical diagnosis for gender dysphoria. As Rowling puts it, it means "that all a man needs to ‘become a woman’ is to say he’s one". Which of course she's criticizing, but that's exactly why the bill is good for trans people. Only an incredibly miniscule percentage of people detransition, and an even smaller due to genuinely going back to identifying as their agab. To be triggered by someone being acknowledged as what they say their gender identity is is incredibly transphobic. She also goes on to say that the government is "playing fast and loose with womens and girls' safety" by doing this. But literally nothing is changing here except a person's legal gender identity. If it's the bathroom thing, then anyone can walk into any bathroom anyways, it's not like anyone is out there checking what the govt says your gender is. 

In the same article (that she wrote) she says this: "It would be so much easier to tweet the approved hashtags – because of course trans rights are human rights and of course trans lives matter – scoop up the woke cookies and bask in a virtue-signalling afterglow. There’s joy, relief and safety in conformity." ...Because apparently supporting trans people is just stupid woke nonsense that people are forced to do in order to conform, as though trans people aren't being literally fucking murdered just for being brave enough to be themselves. 

Then of course there's this: "I refuse to bow down to a movement that I believe is doing demonstrable harm in seeking to erode ‘woman’ as a political and biological class and offering cover to predators like few before it" because what's a terf without making broad statements that all trans women are just sexual predators? Also she's very conveniently ignoring all of the involvement trans women have had in the feminist movement. 

She also described transitioning in a tweet as "conversion therapy for young gay people" that they were somehow being forced into, despite the fact that gender affirming surgery and hormones often take incredibly long to get access to and have about a billion hurdles to jump through in order to even be considered for it. No one is forcing young people into transitioning, and like I already mentioned, 98% of trans people don't regret medically transitioning, and only ~.4% regret it for reasons outside of facing bigotry for it. The whole narrative that young confused kids are being pushed into transitioning is literally just a way to invalidate young trans men, because there is absolutely zero evidence behind it. She also writes that "Many health professionals are concerned that young people struggling with their mental health are being shunted towards hormones and surgery when this may not be in their best interests.” Which. No. No health professional who actually knows anything about trans people is concerned about this, because like I said, it is not happening. Anywhere. Under any circumstances. There are people who DIY hormones through incredibly dangerous means because they can't get access to them. There are people who have been on waiting lists for 3+ years. There are people who kill themselves because they can't access hormones. Absolutely no one is being 'shunted towards' them.

And then of course she wrote Trouble Blood, about a male serial killer who dresses up as women to kill cis women. Okay, it's been done before, but in context with everything else Rowling's said, her message is pretty clear, and it's that she sees trans women as predators who only transition to prey on cis women. 

Eddie Redmayne, Emma Watson, and Daniel Radcliffe have all spoken out against Rowling's transphobia, and Redmayne said that "As someone who has worked with both J.K. Rowling and members of the trans community, I wanted to make it absolutely clear where I stand. I disagree with Jo’s comments. Trans women are women, trans men are men and non-binary identities are valid." These are people who have worked closely with her, and they're acknowledging that her beliefs are incredibly transphobic. 

So yeah. She's absolutely a terf, and the things I've compiled here are just a few examples, if you look up "jkr transphobia" I'm sure you can find many more. Or just read her tweets, it's not hard to find.

All the quotes are from her tweets or her personal website.

[running-on-fanfiction]

Jim Street - Man down

Can I request a female reader (maybe like Lucas sister) with Jim Street where the reader gets hurt/injured and that’s how the team finds out they are dating? Sorry if it doesn’t make sense

"Mhm is that the real time?" Jim asked bring his mug of coffee to his lips. You turned around to look at the time on the oven.

"Yeah."

"Shit, I'm going to be late, picking Luca up!" Jim places the mug down, stands up to place his jacket on before walking over to kiss you.

"Why are you picking my brother up?" You asked pulling his face down again for another kiss. He kisses you hard this time but loving at the same time. He knows that he'll have to wait all day just to be able to hug you let along kiss you.

It wasn't easy hiding your relationship with Jim from not only the team but your older brother Luca. While you might have been working for swat, which your brother still didn't like, he would not like that your were dating.

Luca had been overprotective ever since you two were little. In his eyes you were still that little curly haired, sticky face and dirty feet three year old. He hated that you looked up to him, because if not for that you would have a normal job like computer tech or something less filled with getting shot at daily.

You swore he almost killed you when you told him you were going to apply for SWAT. He went a whole two months before he could even talk to you. His worst fear had always losing the first girl to every love him. You were his best friend, his little sister, his partner in crime. You were his whole world and to know that any day at work, could be your last killed him.

"He said something about his car being in the shop." Jim said while clumsily trying to place his shoes on.

"I'll see you at work." He smiled before planted once last kiss to your lips. You smiled as you watched him walk down the hall of the apartment building and into the elevator.

"So let me get this straight, your car is in the shop because you ran over a pebble." Jim laughed.

"Hey no! It was a big rock that happened to be very sharp and fucked my tire up." Luca tried to say with a straight face. It might not have been a rock but it was a good sizes pebble. The guys were never going to let him live this down.

"Hey can I ask you something?" Luca asked as Jim pulled into the work parking lot. He saw your car and smiled a little.

"Sure."

"Has my sister been acting weird lately?"

Jim felt an icy cold chill cover his body. Luca must know, he thought as he gripped the wheel harder. He was going to kill him before he even got to see your cute ass one more time.

"What do you mean weird." Jim said back before pulling into a parking spot and stopping the car. Luca started to get out before he answered back.

"I don't know. I feel like she's hiding something from me, which must mean she's doing something, she know I won't like."

Jim watched closely as they both grabbed their bags from the back of the car. Should he say something or just let Luca keep going on. He should say something, he thought but he was saved when Chris walked up.

"Did you guys just hear about the shots fired at the local mall?" Chris said with panic written on her face. We looked at each other before sprinting towards the locker-room.

~~~~

I felt the burning pain hit me, but you were to stubborn to let the shit stain go. You grabbed at your shoulder, hard before following the man.

You had just shot him down, when you felt one more burn. This on right to your kidney. It was right before you fell that you realized there was another shooter, but before could do anything else her world went black. She grew cold as she fell to the ground, a round of fire was hurt. That was all she remembered before she fell asleep.

~~~~

"Man down." Is all Jim heard, before he went running. He figured it had to be Chris, since she just said she got the other shooter. Something in the pit of Jim's stomach knew it was Y/N. It wasn't until he saw you laying on the floor, that was know stained a crimson color that he felt his stomach contents want to come up. In that moment he didn't care who was sitting there with you, not even Luca.

"Oh god, baby wake up! Wake up! Please!" Jim cried as he grabbed your head. But, you didn't wake up, not even when the ambulance rushed you away. You didn't even hear Jim or Luca yelling as they drove your limp body away.

-Julianne

[phantomrose96]

oh don’t worry ABoT can definitely be a weekend read, i just read it start to chapter 39 from 2am to now (and still got a solid 8 hours of sleep somehow) ! couldn’t put it down honestly. amazing job at reconceptualizing the characters in this worst case scenario alternate universe in a way that feels believable and not contrived — not pulling any punches (ritsu and teru are … pretty awful, in particular) but not in a sensationalist dead-dove-dont-eat way at all which i really really appreciate. teru and ritsu are awful but ultimately sympathetic because they really do feel like natural extensions of their character arcs had canon played out differently. it would’ve been really easy to take this and make it into either an Everyone Is Evil I Am So Edgy story or a But They All Come Together Through The Power Of Friendship, so thank you for not doing that! while reigen is my favorite, i love ritsu & teru’s relationship — it’s so nuanced but well developed. cant wait to see what happens next!

(ABoT)

Oh you get it

Oh You Get It........

Hahahhahhhhhaaa.............................................

Literally when I saw the first ask before you sent the follow up, my first thought was like "!!!! you get it! gosh I wish that woulda applied to all those people from 2017-2018 who labeled ABoT torture p//or/n" but I wasn't gonna actually bring that up because like even talking about that time always feels like I'm putting myself on the defensive.

But.... god haha yeah..... I didn't write anything for almost 3 years after that. I thought about ABoT every damn day for that almost-3-year hiatus. It was already planned out! It had an ending! It just made me so sad because I believed I couldn't come back to it because I couldn't Do This Again.

It was just... utterly heart-breaking, utterly devastating, downright confusing how this fic which is so focused on the slow and messy and hard work of recovery was being branded "oh it's sadistic twisted fucked-up torture p//or//n of children and the author is a sick fuck".

I know it's dark!! It's dark and no one has to read it and I've tagged it for the things that are dark and I put content warnings in front of every chapter! But it's dark because I care about how much a tiny flicker of light can mean in the darkness.

I... care about media that doesn't just brush traumatic happenings under the rug and go "so that happened, anyway." I care about trauma that isn't ignored. I care about the characters who can't just brush it off - who come out worse because of it - I care about them and what the slow and ugly and sometimes backwards progress of recovery looks like. I care about characters who absolutely Fuck Up and face consequences for it. I care about characters who are messy and need time and cannot be fixed with a single nice word. I care about making the audience care about what the characters have lived through, and how it hurt them. I'm rooting for all the characters in ABoT. They're all trying to find their own flicker of light in the dark. I care so so so so so much about that.

And it absolutely destroyed me to see a whole group of friends in the fandom (who, mind you, were annoyed with ABoT for a while. I saw their posts show up when I searched 'ABoT', and who tried to pin a couple problematic labels on ABoT and couldn't get anything to stick until 'torture p//o//rn") rip apart ABoT's reputation because ALL they needed to say was "ABoT is an au where Mogami kidnaps and tortures Mob for 4 years. It's awful and gross and problematic and don't read it and if you do YOURE problematic."

And I saw it time and time again (again, in the ABoT tags! in MY tag, sometimes.) Someone would make a post like "if you're an ABoT stan don't follow me" and some clueless anon would be like "whats ABoT" and they'd answer the above and that was it. No one wanted to risk getting into "problematic" stuff so people just accepted it. Even more neutral people didn't have the time or reason to investigate that further and just accepted it, assuming whoever was speaking had read it, even if in reality none of them had.

I got death threats. They made hate-blogs of ABoT. They made memes shitting on ABoT. They spammed the ABoT tag and the phantomrose96 tag. They spammed sandflake's tag and drove them away same as me. They raided and spammed the ABoT discord. They made posts celebrating how long it had been since ABoT updated. They made posts trying to accuse me of pe//do//philia (for NO reason. NONE. NO REASON. NO EVIDENCE. It was just an effective word to get people run off the site. and luckily that accusation died because there was literally nothing to base it on.) ALL the while framing what they were doing as totally in the right because they were JUST calling out torturous child-abusing fic.

I really tried. When all this started, I stopped tagging anything ABoT related with m/p/100, so I wouldn't bother people. If I found ABoT art tagged with m/p/100, I'd wait a day to reblog it so it wouldn't accidentally rise high in the tag and bother people. Sometimes I WOULDN'T reblog art because I didn't want the artist to risk getting threatened. I mostly stopped talking about ABoT on tumblr, so I wouldn't bother people.

But it fucking gets to you after a while. I started believing they were right. My mental health was extreme garbage at this time (for reasons unrelated to this all) but that meant I couldn't brush any of it off. ABoT was kinda the one little spark of joy I had at this time and then I just. Didn't anymore. It got taken away.

I would write every sentence through the lens of my worst critic. I tried SO many times to start chapter 25 back in 2018. I could only get a page in at most. (Originally it was going to be the mall movie theater scene that ends up happening in chapter 27) and I'd balk at jokes I was trying to write. There was going to be a joke about the movie being a sort of in-universe Twilight, where the two love interests uncannily resembled Ritsu and Teru. And I froze up because. Was that problematic? If Teru was seeing the movie because Mei wanted to, was that sexist? If Teru himself wanted to see it, was that homophobic? Was the Twilight reference problematic? Was the joke about the love interest resemblance problematic? Would the irreverence of the joke be problematic? Would this be what they get me on? Would this be my undoing? Would this be the final nail in my coffin?

I found these old drafts somewhat recently and they are just. Lifeless. They are so barren of any kind of passion or heart. I re-read it and see just how painful it was to get from one sentence to another. I was burnt out and afraid of every word and those drafts would never ever have worked.

Hell, when I did write chapter 25 for real, in 2020, I gave up entirely on making it the movie scene. Trashed that. Started from scratch. That well was far far too tainted to draw from.

I just. aaa. aaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Sorry for the long post but ahhhhhhh. I gave up my favorite and most meaningful hobby for almost 3 years. This was still happening in 2019 when season 2 aired, when I hadnt been truly active on Tumblr for ages and hadn't touched ABoT in years. JUST so they could be sure to taint the well again and tell any new fandom comers to stay away from ABoT. I had no spoons and no spine for it so I just, let that happen, and unfollowed the ABoT tag. I still haven't seen season 2.

I'm so SO glad I figured out how to come back to it in 2020, and that people have been so supportive, and I mostly try not to talk about this stuff but. it fucks with you. it fucks with you a lot.

I'm just really happy to have been able to come back to it.