#which maybe in some ways would be better bc time to process time to grieve etc

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

if yaz hadnt said anything and just let her walk away at the end of 11x1, how long do you think it would have taken 13 to find a new outfit?

[crispytime]

Who’s the worst father, Gaster (Handplates) or Willaim Afton?

Embarrassing to admit, my knowledge of the Afton family in the FNAF lore is pretty limited. I only know the 2021 Gacha lore stuff and the FNAF movie, ask me anything more and I'm lost 😭 I won't be able to really go into depth bc again I don't really know William Afton very well. But I might have to go with William Afton being worse. I haven't read the books so I will focus on game and movie Afton.

Gaster and William are both horrendous, but I think William Afton did specifically design his animatronics to kill children which consequently killed his son and daughter, then later his oldest son.

In the movie, Afton already had a bad relationship with his daughter and was even quick to literally STAB her when she went against him and tried to protect Michael and his sister. Lab Gaster and Afton are kind of similar here. They were both quick to go to violence once their kid(s) stepped out of line, I feel Gaster did it more to send a message to not cross him, in a really bad way... Afton did it more as a "Get tf out of my way."

I can't tell if it was out of impulse, or he just didn't care if she lived or not. He did seem to freeze up after he did it, like he was processing what he'd just done so there might be SOME care there?? Vanessa was protecting and helping Michael and Abby tell the truth to those kids he killed, and he knew that if that happened, he'd die. I feel that was more of a selfish thing he did in order to protect himself, and he didn't care what happened to Vanessa because he did immediately go back to trying to stop Michael and Abby. I think he cared more about his daughter's "loyalty" than her life.

It's hard to analyze the game because there's no true emotions tied to Afton's actions, they're just, "He did this and now yadda yadda yadda all his kids died." He might've shown some care with Elizabeth when he kept telling her to not go near Circus Baby because he knew what would happen. Regardless, he neglected Elizabeth and left her unsupervised near a literal death robot and we know what happens next. His youngest son (I still don't know his name, he flipped through like 7 different ones.) literally got his head bit off by Fredbear, you'd think maybe after one incident he'd feel more incentive to protect his other kids if he really did care but he didn't.. Idk which one died first bc that also changed a million times but after ONE of their deaths, if he cared he would've done more to protect them. Even with all the bs Gaster did, he AT LEAST made sure the brothers stayed alive, kept them physically healthy, and were mostlyyy cared for. (bare minimum)

I don't even know who cared for the kids more, if it was Mrs. Afton or William. So I don't really know, he already seems very negligent.

We do have moments where Gaster shows genuine care for the brothers, like protecting them from the Goop monster and healing Sans' exploded head. Refer back to my gigantic rant abt Gaster because I am not retyping all that. Even with Gaster after the void, for the most part he makes amends with the brothers and tries to make up for his cruelty and be the father he never was. He's not perfect but at least it's something ig. We don't really see this w Afton much, I don't know about book Afton, I highly doubt we have fatherly amends though.

The main difference between them is we see Gaster more personally than Afton, we see Gaster's thoughts and feelings throughout Handplates and he tries to fix what he can. while Afton is only seen as this psychotic killer who doesn't care for his family, I don't even know if he grieved his kids' death all that much either. There's a large separation of knowledge between the two characters so I'm not sure it's really fair for me to compare them, plus I'm very biased😭

But based off what I know, Afton and Gaster are both horrible fathers, but Gaster is slightly better because he was able to improve himself and his relationship with his kids, taking a more active role in their lives.

This rant is kinda bad bc I don't really have much to work off of 😔

[twig-gy]

so the thing with the fic is it’s like. the only longfic i have left

the first one i tried to write was the cold you feel inside your lungs and you see. i had no plan. i had no idea what i was doing the whole entire time. so later i came back and morphed it into two. first there’s the one which kept orig title. this one is basically mind is alone but there’s no weird spiral thing he just goes through the normal grieving process and has to figure out how to live w/o heart and soul. and i kinda got stuck there bc grief is hard to write when you’re lucky enough to not have felt it. i might come back to it actually

the other half i split it into is what i call the social edition. so in this version mind has to live as whole and figure out how to society. i let him loose omg what will he do. the thing with that, though, is idk how to write social interaction. and also don’t know what he would be doing if i wanted to make the fic actually long. maybe i could try to make a oneshot out of it?

the next longfic is basically heart apathy and he is Really Trying to not feel anything or exist because of defense mechanism. i got stuck at a part and didn’t know how to continue though. that was more of a ventfic thing iirc

so the one i’m actually working on is the one that has the least of a title. basically mind finds heart doing [DATA EXPUNGED] and has to figure out like. how to exist with this new information/how to adjust their dynamic. (aka this incident [if you will] gives mind a more accurate view of heart, causes them to fix their relationship. in the long run ofc) so i’ve written a few parts with that and am tentatively optimistic about it not dying like every other project i’ve created in life. because i actually have a slight idea where i’m going? emphasis on slight. but yeah

so i finished the first part of that/probably the prologue which is mind sees the thing, and realizes that heart might not actually be gaslight/gatekeep/girlbossing his way through life. for more context, in this fic at least, heart doesn’t manipulate anyone. not really. it’s kinda a more heart-leaning thing because Heart Isn’t Faking His Emotions He’s Just Fucking Depressed Mind. i generally try to make it so they both have equal fault in the thing but in this one i could understand how mind seems like. more wrong. they still hate each other, they’re still argumentative, ofc heart is, it’s just mind has more misconceptions. well heart does too

heart thinks that mind is being logical to cover up that he’s just as fucked up as the rest of them. he pretends and pretends he’s better but he’s just the same. however, he sits on his throne, acting like he’s completely unbiased, even though he ain’t. that’s the main thing that heart’s angry about and he tries to ‘show mind the truth that he’s just as weak’.

Anyway the main thing about the fic will be them you know. trying to concord. trying to extend grace to each other. i am going to make them argue So So much like. they will slip up and it will take a lot for them to believe the other isn’t actually a malicious lil bastard. even when they’re trying this whole “”””try to think good of people”””” thing they’ll still have hiccups where they forget or are horribly quick to assume the worst.

but they will get better! because they are trying your honor. and mind will start it after some part of the truth is revealed and he concludes that maybe, Just maybe, heart is actually fucking depressed and not just trying to manipulate him. damn bitch this ain’t about you.

and then after soul notices the two of them are Not Fighting he’ll be very suspicious of them (ofc ofc) but tentatively try to interact with them a lil more. maybe they aren’t lost causes actually! maybe he can put some trust in them! maybe he can leave them alone for 5 seconds without them being at their throats! so with them concording he’ll talk to them more and more and actually try to be friends instead of…… whatever the fuck they have going on in cacophony.

fic is set just after shot/juno incident

hello i hope someone actually read that :) i have hope in this. i actually do. fr fr. so we’ll see ig

[petruchio]

Caroline I saw that post and I just wanted to reach out because I have some love and (possibly) encouragement:

Don’t worry Bestie, everything you described about having it all but still feeling so unseen, misunderstood and fundamentally lonely?

I promise promise promise that’s just what being 23 feels like.

I feel like that sounds so silly to say, but I promise I felt the same way, and it took me a while to realize that THIS is what people were talking about with the whole 23 thing.

Like, suddenly, I’m looking at my entire life with newfound understanding and. I really was just doing it all in hopes that it would solve something that simply can’t be solved that way. Like checking all the boxes won’t do this. I don’t think.

And wow I think I’ve always been so lonely and misunderstood. This whole time in fact. I feel that that I will always be this way. How could I not? How could something that (I now realize) is so fundamental to me ever change?

But thoughts have varying degrees of accuracy AND that’s just the 23-24 journey, I really do swear bestie.

23 didn’t feel like that for me at first, but then I “had it all” and it did feel like exactly that. And it did for a long a time. But slowly, I found some meaningful connections (which I already had, actually) but I got better at being present in those moments with those people. Letting those moments define my life, rather than worrying so much or getting caught up in weather I’m actually understood.

If someone wants to try understanding me, does it matter if they succeed? How could anyone truly understand anyone else? They’d have to BE them to really get it. So it’s the effort that counts. And the living in those moments of that effort and the feeling of that love and the seeking to do it for other people.

And more than that, maybe I haven’t been understood ever, maybe I never will, but it’s that people try this impossible task that is so moving. And that I try it for them in return. This is also the reason why I am so important to have on MY OWN roster. To be besties with myself. Bc I am, truly, the best friend ever for me. Because I always understand.

It’s really hard to describe what I mean about this, so I’m sorry for rambling, but I just want you to know that you’re so normal for this, and It’s just part of life I think. (Kind of like how every teenage feels that one specific way. you see it and you’re like “yeah, that’s what being a teenager feels like”) you’re in that right now, just a different age/lesson/skill.

I promise things will feel differently moving forward, maybe not now, but soon. I believe in you, and I’m rooting for you. Just take it one day at a time 💛

this is such a sweet answer, and i really love how you framed it -- not like, oh it's okay, you'll find someone who understands you someday! but like, you're always going to feel misunderstood but the magic is in finding people who care enough to bother with *trying* to understand you -- the magic is in the trying.

and yeah i do think it is a lot of just Being In Your Early Twenties because after finally leaving my parents house and college and really figuring out who i am on my own, i've been doing a lot of unpacking of why i actually do act the way that i do and that's been a huge process of grieving -- letting go of the dreams i used to have that don't serve me anymore, mourning the things i never even knew was missing during my childhood and teenage years, understanding the ways that my life is shaped by my personal and family history, figuring out what i'm trying to compensate for, and recognizing the ways i'm doing that in both healthy and unhealthy ways. it's hard work!! it sucks most of the time!! but it is ultimately a rewarding, if lonely, process.

i feel like i come on my blog a lot to complain about this deep sense of loneliness i have, and it's strange, because i do have friends and i do have a lot of people in my life who i feel really close to, and i have genuine and meaningful connections with other people that are fulfilling and great in their own ways. and yet i still have this feeling. so maybe there is a comfort in just admitting that i'm always just going to have a profound loneliness inside of me, and there's nothing i can do and no amount of friends i can have that's going to resolve it. and that trying to fill that empty space that lives inside of me with *more* friends, *more* activities, *more* money, *more* prestige, *more* meaningless boxes to check off... it's never going to work. maybe that's the process of letting go i need to work on now.

it's true that at the end of the day, the only person who's going to hang out with me for my whole life.. is me. i have to be my own best friend, like you said, and most of the time, i do a pretty good job of it! and i do love me for that, i love me for how hard i've been working to understand myself, i love me for wanting to get better, i love me for still being brave enough to love myself in spite of the giant whirlpool of anxiety and sadness and worthlessness inside of me that is trying so hard to suck me into the deepest and worst parts of myself. that's hard work, and i really am proud of myself for doing it.

i guess someday i just want to really have the experience of feeling... genuinely wanted. i have glimpses of it, so i know it's out there. and i think you're right, this is a feeling that is unique and specific to this era of a life and the reality of being a young adult, and for me, i do trust the universe and i do trust myself and i do trust that time and practice and continually opening up my heart no matter how many times it hurts will bring that to me. and i'm sure that someday i'll be nostalgic for my long lonely days and the lessons they're teaching me. i do wholeheartedly believe that life is about one long process of discovering and learning. and for me, at this time, this particular form of that learning is just going to be something i have to do by myself.

well i apologize for my rambling too. in a funny way, it's often when i open up about feeling misunderstood and lonely that i end up feeling the most understood. this message did that. it's one of those little glimmers of understanding that helps me to feel a little less alone. in a cheesy way... i guess it's moments like this that keep me hoping <3

[caatws]

I was browsing through your blog and wanted to say all of your vol 3/general gotg comments have been delightful. It's given me so much to think about and also helped me process some of my own thoughts/concerns/questions. It's also awesome people have felt safe to get a little more personal about the different aspects of representation in all of this and that's been both fun and eye opening and even a much needed learning experience.

Also I especially was intrigued by your comments around Gamora and Natasha and how they have been treated when it comes to similarities and differences. Not sure if you would be up for it but I would love to read even a short write up or breakdown from you about even just 2 or 3 things you think vol 3 could have done better when handling both Gamora's death and 2014 Gamora's role and something you think both Natasha and Gamora could have used/deserved story wise in IW/EG after they died.

Thanks anon 💖 I’m glad we can all discuss and process this stuff together bc there are so many layers to it and so many povs to consider!

And ooh I love that question! As far as vol 3 goes, I think the most general thing that could’ve been done - and I would say this could go for the holiday special too - is just incorporating grieving gamora into each character’s arc more. The ways peter would talk to 2014!gamora abt how things used to be - it would’ve been nice to see the other characters make the occasional comment abt their own individual friendships with gamora or calling back to specific moments from vol 1/2. Showing gamora that peter isn’t the only one who misses the “future” her or whatever, which could be both an opportunity for more conflict between gamora and the rest of the team at the beginning of vol 3 and as well as an opportunity for gamora to get to know the team better and maybe even warm up to them more over time.

I do still generally like how starmora was handled as well, but I think it would’ve been interesting to see more of how Peter feels abt not being able to keep his promise of killing gamora before thanos did. Like him talking to 2014!gamora abt it or something. Like I’ve said before, I think the mcu has acted generally uwu and evasive of rly considering the deeper impact and significance behind the manner in which gamora died so it would’ve been nice for someone to at least acknowledge the horror of it in vol 3 in some way

Definitely what nat and gamora needed in iw/eg after their deaths more than anything was just a goddamn funeral like Tony got 🤬 tho it also would’ve been cool to see gamora and nat meet in the soul world in eg after nat’s death. I also think it would’ve been nice if they could’ve been given some agency and been able to help from “inside” the soul stone or something during the final battle

[angstandhappiness]

@bi-scottsummers: #op this is such a wonderful little essay thank you#also. this could be completely out of left field. but it seems to me that SWK is still grieving & that a lot of his reactions to certain Uhh#situations which arise in the show can be directly traced back to the events of his past#the whole ordeal with LBD is kinda Yikes. bc it reads to me as him impulsively reacting to this untreated …. I don’t wanna say trauma but.#yeah. trauma kind of (the LBD chapter in the og series featured a VERY dramatic breakup between SWK & tang sanzang bc LBD manipulated her#way into the group and Buddha’s Specialest Boy refused to listen to SWK when he was like ‘that’s a demon man. maybe stop engaging with it’#to be fair he did also kill her on sight the first time they met her which as you can imagine would be a big No No for a monk but I digress)#idk how much of the og series theyre keeping as canon in the show BUT if we assume almost all then I think SWK’s flaws make a lot of sense#LBD pops up again; he remembers That Time he tried to protect his buddies from her & they all ignored him & almost died;#he goes Not This Fucking Time!! and leaves his current buddies behind & tries to take her on all by himself#quite stupid! some might even say astronomically stupid. but MMMM I love it when characters are stupid for reasons#not to say part of it isn’t just his reckless personality but SWK has lived a long life & I feel it’s possible that some of the shitty#habits he’s picked up along the way carry over. ALSO this is purely just me but he feels like such a lonely character in the show#I mentioned grief earlier bc of all the murals of the og JTTW gang you see on flower fruit mountain#and the fireworks scene. when he brings out a feast fit for like 6 people#the fact that at the beginning of the show nobody has rlly heard or seen from him in like. centuries ??? like he just isolated himself#completely after his friends died??? it’s like he’s haunted by them bro not one episode goes by where they let u forgot that he used to be#part of something bigger than himself#I forgot where I was going with this. ok wait yes I remember. I’m SO curious to see whether or not his past will ever be DIRECTLY addressed#because while I think he is just an inherently flawed being (as everyone is) I also think a lot of his communication issues and#self-sacrificial issues could be hmmm mitigated I guess if he ever decides to work through (what I perceive to be) one of the factors#contributing to them. just to be clear I don’t want him to be suddenly perfect I just think he’s got some shit to work through#he was canonically kind of an asshole to macaque before the show’s canonical start to JTTW & im sure he’ll continue to be an asshole after#all of this. but hopefully he will be an asshole who is a little bit better at processing & dealing with his emotions accordingly#I’m probably reading too much into this bc a lot of his shit can also just be attributed to arrogance#in which case YUM. love it when characters have to face the consequences of their actions😚love watching silly monke get his ass beat#like to be xtra clear: macaque & SWK both are letting trauma from their pasts ruin their chance at a future. but MK sees them as#villain/hero respectively. I just like this perspective bc then we have to consider where the line’s drawn or if theres even a line at all

@imminent-danger-came; #prev woag#''this is kinda outta left field'' *proceeds to give a lovely little analysis of SWK and his flaws/past*#But YEAH. Wukong? SUCH a lonely character.#I think pretty much everything he does in the show is motivated by whatever happened to the og JTTW crew#Like lol. All of his friends died. After DBK is sealed he's pretty much effectively cut his last tie to anyone.#And so I can imagine after watching everyone he cares about leave him (in one way or another) it's like next time#Next time he won't let that happen. He'll put himself on the line first#He'll protect MK (at this point the only person he has in the world)! He'll do it this time!#He's immortal 7 times over! He can't die! He's going to do this!#And then. Oh no. Oh geez he does NOT do that at all#Tragedy at it's finest fr fr#Prev I don't think you're reading too much into anything I think that's just his character#LMK expects you to draw a line between a lot of dots and by GOD have you drawn them#That scene in 2x00 when MK's like ''I gotta go watch the fireworks with my friends...'' and the way like#Wukong just turns and stares into the sunset#LIKE BRO???#I also always think too hard about Wukong calling the gang his friends in 4x07#''I'm not going to let some curse bully me or my friends a second longer!'' Your friends???#You consider them your friends?? You were confused that Tang was hugging you in 3x05.#And this is after showing how the og JTTW crew presents themselves in the gang like. SIR??? WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FRIENDS.#Would love for Wukong to work through his problems. Would love for ANYONE in this show to work through their problems actually#I'm really hoping for a SWK V MK fight at some point.#For both SWK's and MK's arcs respectively MK needs to be the one to chew SWK out. LIKE I'M WAITING.#Anyways whatever a hero and a villain was at the start of the series that has really degraded by this point#it's just soup#I don't even know whats happening here anymore#I will say the first episode of the special is titled ''A Lifetime of Mistakes'' and they HAVE to go into Wukong's scroll piece. So.#These writers are fucking baller they're not going to pass up an opportunity to see SWK's past directly like this#Or pass on opportunity for MK specifically to see SWK's past#Like oh god it's all coming together

@bi-scottsummers: #PREV too true let MK lose his shit at SWK. as a treat<3#poor boy has taken after his mentor with regards to how well he processes + deals with unpleasant emotions#monkie kid#ok I’m done with the reblogs now I promise. no more essays in the tag god bles 🙏

@sterling-starlight: #I know I've joked about how I keep on making the sad old men in my shows my favorites#But for real?#My adoration and love for this stupid monkey is almost overwhelming#He's so so flawed but and he's shouldering several lifetimes worth of pain and guilt and lonliness#but he chooses to do his best when some weirdo kid stumbles into his life#he chooses to be KIND#It would be so easy to write him as embittered and jaded and a complete asshole#but they don't#I just-#he's going to ruin my life if he dies

@cloud-somersault: #ah what great analysis#we love it when people point out and understand that flawed characters are what make a story#expecting wukong to be perfect and not make mistakes even POST journey is not realistic#he was makign mistakes up till the end friends#he is by no means perfect#and that's perfectly fine#he's doing his best#he cares too much#and we love him for it#he goes the extra mile in trying to protect people#by lying and hidng information#making them think everything's fine while he's putting out fires behind the scenes#he wants to handle things and he puts that burden perpetually on himself#wukong still has development to go through and isn't that beautiful#aren't you excited??#characters without flaws...aren't really characters at all y'know?

@chipper-smol :   #good good good analysis

@ec-arts: #this is a really good analysis

@mariposiel :  #screaming crying throwing up

@rorylow :  #WOAWW I LOVE THIS#IN-DEPTH SWK ANALYSIS FOR THE WIN !!

@chaotic-bumblebee-agenda :  #THIS. ALL OF THIS

@confused-dreamer-wolf:  #all of this#he is such a complicated character

@niyana-the-ambiguous-mobian :  #OP this is a really good essay right here#but yeah what was he doing all that time after sealing DBK??? chilling in a eternal hot spring?  #oh i am FUCKING LOSING IT#AHHHHHH

@cosmoshard​ :  #Augh yesss#rly good points here

SWK being so flawed is like one of LMK's strongest bits. I feel like a different show would just have him be infallible or have him be like a twist villain or irredeemable or something. But he's neither of those, he's just incredibly flawed. It's also interesting that even though Mei and Pigsy are critical of him, they're still shown to care about him.

All in all, hes a more complicated character than people give him credit for :/

I 100% agree!

Honestly, if Sun Wukong wasn't flawed I'd find him a bit boring. You remove his flaws and you remove the meat of his character. Even all the way back in season 1 you get the feeling he's withholding information and concealing his past ("Show me the real Sun Wukong! The old you would have leveled this whole mountain range to stop me!"), and that only becomes more and more prevalent as the show goes on.

Wukong is first introduced as a hero, as the King who defended the world from DBK. Next he's introduced as a mentor, planning to make MK his successor (which I think is pretty debatable at this point, as I've said I personally think he just needed an excuse to train MK).

Slowly we learn SWK is pretty terrible at both of those things. He's not the hero or mentor anyone thought he would be—he's not even the mentor he thought he would be:

Macaque: “Haha, you saw a story about a hero who got handed everything, who didn’t have to work for anything, and you thought you were the other guy? The second the hero got real power, he couldn’t care less about his friends.” [ - ] "You know, I meant what I said—you really are a good kid. A good kid, with a really terrible teacher." (2x07 Shadow Play)

-

Pigsy: "Back from what? Your vacation? No- what could have been SO important you'd leave MK alone to face that- that thing! You're supposed to be his mentor!" (2x10 This is the End!)

-

Sun Wukong: "I know I can never make it up to you. Honestly I- I never thought I'd live as long as I have let alone be someone's mentor—turns out I'm not very good at it. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry MK, for all of it." (3x14 Destiny Fulfilled)

-

(he's staring sadly at a bowl of soup, never a good sign.)

s1 of Monkie Kid, as well as the Revenge of the Spider Queen special, establish a baseline. We meet Wukong as we're meant to know him—the legendary yet cheeky hero. Now that he's retired, Monkey King is training the next generation to protect the world and be the heroes in his place.

Right?

Well, just like our perception of Wukong, our perception of the role of the hero slowly degrades as well:

Lady Bone Demon: “Heroes? Please, you’re mere agents of chaos, the very thing I aspire to eradicate in this new world. No more destruction, no more disorder, I WILL HAVE PERFECTION.” (3x12 The Corrupted King)

-

Curse MK: "We’re just like Wukong. A fraud! A trickster! Destructive! Why would our legacy be any different? Actually, no no- the chaos and destruction we’ll bring upon the world will make Wukong’s past look like nothing." (4x07 Pitiful Creatures)

-

MK: "That can't be true! Monkey King's a hero he wouldn't just—" Azure Lion: "You saw it with your own eyes! His betrayal, his brutality—he took the only friends I had from me." (4x08 The Brotherhood)

-

Heroes aren't people fighting for the side of good, or even for what they think is right—they're agents of chaos. Destructive. "All doomed to play a role in tearing this world apart." Heroes are introduced as one thing, and then slowly revealed to be another.

Heroes, just like Wukong and anyone else, are flawed. They still make wrong choices. They still hurt people. Of course Wukong isn't a twist villain or irredeemable, because ultimately he IS a hero with plenty of the positive traits that come with that. But heroes are also flawed, and this is something I think is at the core of Lego Monkie Kid.

You can love someone, and that someone can do plenty of good, but that doesn't mean they're not broken, or that they aren't capable of causing suffering. This isn't something that only applies to Wukong either—pick any character and I'm sure you could apply this to them.

Now, all this to say that Wukong's two fatal flaws are his lack of communication and his self-sacrificial tendencies. Like Azure Lion says—he has a habit of keeping people at arms length, and more often than not doing that to protect them. These tendencies more often than not lead to his downfall.

So! Let's make some lists of where we see these flaws in the show.

Wukong's lack of Communication:

"Look, I'm going to come clean—um, I've been kind of watching you."

Leaving MK and lying to him during s2 (this includes lying about both going on vacation AND that LBD had returned)

Keeping his plan to stop LBD a secret during s3

"Where I got my staff!" "Got or took, right? You took it?"

Not telling the gang about the 4th ring

Other lies I'm sure have yet to be revealed (such as MK the truth about MK's origins, if that's the direction the plot's going)

Wukong's Self-sacrificial tendencies:

Leaving during s2 to find a way to stop LBD on his own

"What!? You're not going I'm going!" "Yeah so, here's the problem, you guys have this thing called mortality, so-"

Gravely injuring himself to get the samadhi fire Map

Blocking the brunt of the samadhi fire to protect MK in 3x10

Going off to fight the Lady Bone Demon alone

Protecting MK from the curse in 4x01

(and this post here that travels into theory territory)

Now, most if not all of these decisions lead to something bad happening. It's very in line with MK's words in 4x08:

MK: It doesn’t matter if I want to help people or not! Everything I do just- it just makes things worse!”

Wukong, even if he has a very questionable way of going about it, is truly motivated by protecting the people he cares about. However, these choices also hurt those same people. Not to reference samadhi fire Mei another time, but this is EXACTLY what she points out:

Mei: "We trusted you! All of us! How could you lead us into the fight without a real plan? Time and time again I've watched you put MK in danger leaving him to figure out EVERYTHING on his own. Don't you realize you're hurting the people who care about you the most?" (3x10 The Samadhi Fire)

But that's the point, isn't it? Even with all these flaws and after all these mistakes, Wukong still tries (he's very much like Mei in that regard):

Sun Wukong: “Point is, mistakes happen, but so long as you leave the world in better shape than you found it, then it’s all good. Right?” (4x01 Familiar Tales)

-

Sun Wukong: “We can’t change who we were yesterday or in a past life, or a hundred life times ago! We live with the choices we’ve made, for what matter is the choices we make RIGHT NOW! Only we decide who we are and what we do with the power we have.” (4x07 Pitiful Creatures)

-

This is who Wukong is. He's not a hero or a mentor, but he's someone who cares. That's the tragedy of his character, really. That's the tragedy of both him and MK. They're people doing the best with what they have, but still failing anyways.

"Nice hero speech bud, but I know better—deep in your hearts, you don't believe a word of that."

And people still love you anyways.

[firelxdykatara]

You’re doing a LoK rewrite, correct? Would be really interested in hearing how you plan on fixing Suyin’s character and the Lin-Suyin conflict because……. oh boy. Man there’s a lot to unpack there. This is what happens when we don’t let Toph just raise her fucking kids for the sake of pushing a stupid as hell narrative about working women and single motherhood.

I am indeed!

In... you know, the way I'm doing most of my big potential projects, in that I have a folder with some documents that have plot notes and... some day I may actually get full, finished fics out of them (h2o AU is in there, as is my voltron!atla fusion AU, and uhhhh my book 3 atla rewrite, and a few other things), so... but I will say that the docs I have for my LoK rewrite so far amount to roughly 4.2k words of just Plot and Character Notes, which may some day turn into words of Story, hopefully.

ANYWAY, POINT IS: yes, this exists, and I have Many Many Thoughts.

Including how the Gaang kids would shake out! Cause I know I'm doing Zutara, and maybe Tokka???? Although I don't wanna just leave Suki out either... maybe a throuple??? Or Sukka having an amicable breakup before Sokka and Toph get together--maybe she already has Lin by then, and Sokka helps support her through the grief of losing Kanto???? Idk honestly, I haven't actually figured any of that out definitively yet except that Aang was perfectly happy to settle down with an Air Acolyte from one of the rebuilt temples because he grew up and out of his crush on Katara pretty easily once he hit puberty and matured a bit.

UHHH none of which is actually an answer to your question, because it's a valid one! Which is why I've been sitting on this a while (10 days I'm so sorry) bc I haven't made any solid decisions but I've been letting it percolate around my head a bit. And the more I think about it, the more I really like the Sukka -> Tokka idea (and I don't want to kill off Suki since the kids all deserve their awesome Kyoshi warrior auntie in their lives, and also I want a Sukka kid to be besties with Iara [zuko and katara's youngest] so maybe she gets with someone else after she and Sokka split? I could be talked into Ty Lee/Suki actually, the more I think about it....), but obviously having a stable father figure and a Toph who is... not what LoK made her out to be will dramatically change the Beifong family dynamic.

That said, I think I actually have a solution. (I'm so sorry for what I'm about to do.) Toph has Lin with Kanto--and he passes away when Lin is two or three, which is why she has very few memories of her father. (Although none of this 'she doesn't even know his name until she's 50+ cause Toph didn't tell her daughters about their fathers' bullshit.) Sokka is there for her through it all (all of the gaang is, of course, but you know that it sometimes just hits different when it's someone you're also starting to fall in love with, especially when there are older and much more deeply buried feelings there that are now resurfacing, because at least in my version Toph was deeply in love with Sokka when they were teenagers, but he was in love with Suki and she also loved Suki so she didn't want to mess up anything about their family or the group dynamics by making her feelings anyone else's problem), they fall in love, get married and have Suyin.

(Sokka may jokingly refer to it as a shotgun wedding, but the truth is he wanted to propose well before he found out she was pregnant, his attempts just kept getting messed up in increasingly comedic fashion.)

Throughout all of this, Republic City has been established, Sokka is Chancellor, Toph is something of a defacto police chief--mostly because, at the time, no one else was willing to volunteer, and she jokingly offered to whip the law enforcement, but unfortunately everyone else at the meeting took her seriously. However, she is also the founder of the probending league, and basically her feelings about law enforcement are complicated and she actively discouraged her kids from joining the force which is part of why Lin did. How else do you have a teen rebel phase with a parent like Toph? (Which, in this instance, means tough and firm but fair, with a 'you break it, it's up to you to fix it' attitude and very little desire to actually control her daughters and their behavior.)

Ah, but here's the rub.

Suyin is ten years old when Sokka dies, and Lin is sixteen. I'm not sure how he's killed--maybe by Yakone, to tie it into my plans for Amon and book 1. (Note that I'm not sure when the Yakone bloodbending trial happened in canon, but it doesn't matter. The timeline I'm gonna build will be completely different post-comet, and I'll eventually write it all down so that I can keep things straight.) Which would incidentally provide excellent means of having Katara have a very personal stake in the Amon conflict, and perhaps color the fight between him and Iara, but I'm getting off track. And I think Sokka being killed by Yakone, and Toph being unable to protect or save him, or deliver her own brand of justice to avenge him (because Aang is there to stop her and.... shit probably got ugly, I suspect she didn't talk to Aang for at least twenty years after Sokka's death--and this isn't to say I think Toph is particularly violent or murderous, but in that moment, she absolutely wanted to kill the man with her bare hands, and however much she may have regretted it afterwards, she took a very long time to forgive Aang for stopping her in the first place), is what results in Toph stepping down as police chief.

She didn't withdraw from her daughters or fuck off into the swamp or anything (words cannot express how much I hate that part of her canon history), but she did grieve for a very long time. Lin, meanwhile, felt like it was up to her to keep her family together, while also feeling a desperate need to... prove herself, I think. And because her mother was so adamant that she not join the police force, that's exactly what she does. I think Lin completely misread Toph's intentions, too, and believed that the discouragement was because her mother didn't think she had what it takes, when in reality I think Toph was scared of Lin losing herself in the job like she herself had begun to, and eventually coming up on something she couldn't change or fix and making the same mistakes she had.

(I think Toph and Lin have communication issues largely because they are both headstrong and willful, but where Toph thought she was giving her daughters the room they would need to make their own way, what Lin desperately craved was direction and she felt like that was something her mother simply couldn't understand.)

Suyin, on the other hand, fell in with a bad crowd like in canon. I think that what she desperately needed was attention, similar to Lin craving direction, and Toph was trying so hard not to be her own parents that she went a little too far in the other direction and Suyin began to feel like it didn't matter what she did, her mom wouldn't care, or get angry, or discipline her, or anything. Lin and Suyin butted heads a lot growing up, too, especially after Sokka's death, because Lin tried to rein in her sister's behavior and this was met with resistance and derision because Suyin felt like Lin was trying to be both mom and dad and she was neither but her big sister would never admit to being just as lost as she was and it made her furious.

So when Suyin is sixteen, and Lin is twenty-two and new to the force, The Big Rift happens. Lin catches Suyin and her gang, tries to apprehend her, gets a scar on her face in the ensuing conflict. But instead of abusing her power and sending her problem child off to her mother before fucking off to the swamp to avoid the consequences of her actions, Toph tries to actually fix things. Suyin cools her heels in prison for a while, because she was paralyzed by guilt at the time when she hurt her sister (a few inches lower and she could have slit her throat), and was still there when Lin's backup arrived.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh..... I'm so sorry I rambled for so long, BUT THE UPSHOT IS: I think Suyin learned a bit about culpability and taking responsibility for her own actions, Toph realized that her daughters had different needs than she did at their age (and I think a lot of the problem was that grief clouded her own ability to connect with her daughters, and in trying to not be her own parents she lost sight of how to be the parent her own daughters needed), and Lin, I think, had to realize that she had never fully processed the loss of not one but two fathers and had turned to her job in order to avoid actually confronting the grief that had overshadowed her childhood.

However, she did not forgive Suyin, at least not right away--and she wasn't forced or expected to. Suyin understood that she crossed a serious line, she took her lumps and did her time, and no one shamed Lin for her anger. I think, as a result, she had less reason to hold onto that bitterness, and perhaps by the time the story actually begins, she and Suyin are on much better terms, though I haven't worked it out exactly yet.

UHHH yeah I went on for days lmao. All of this is subject to change, too, depending on the needs of the story whenever I get around to actually writing it all down, BUT these are my initial thoughts, at least.

[letstalkaboutfandomsbaby]

Hey Sunny.........I am having a major burnout.....just full on academic frustration and I want to cry because I did my second and third exam for the sem finals so terribly. I have never ever written an exam this bad.....I was the topper of my class throughout 11th and 12th grade and now I feel like I am being stretched in all directions and I feel so fucking hopeless sometimes. Lots of things happened to me last year and well.....I wasn't given time to process....to grieve or mourn or just fucking cry out loud at all.......I am just feeling so fucking sad and I feel so dejected at myself. As much as I wanna ask for help, I feel weak because the culture that surrounds me bashes a person who dares to ask for help in the first place. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry until I just fall asleep from crying because God knows how long I have been just repressing all sadness in me just so I can be seen as the 'jovial' kid. I am so frustrated and mad at myself because I feel like I will never recover for whatever has happened to me and that I will never get to live my life the way I want......ya know be queer and free and live as such. Sorry for the rant, I just didn't know who to talk to.

- ❤️ anon

Hey bub 💕 first off, you have no reason to apologize. I always love when you show up in mg inbox :) im sorry that you're going through such a rough time rn. It seems like a lot of stuff is happening at once which os making it difficult for you to cope and function, and i am so sorry for that. I'm not the best at giving advice, but hopefully my past experiences can ease your pain:

I was depressed throughout college. I was away from home, i was living in the basement of my conservative aunt and uncle's house, i lived off campus so i didn't make any friends or join any clubs. I was so unbearably lonely and sad that i often cried once i was alone. Ofc there were happy times, but it was a very stressful three years of my life. It's not easy, there's a lot going on that can cause burnout, but it's important for you to prioritize your health over your grades. Ik it's easier said than done but you have to do it. Turn off and put away all school related items. Take some time to breathe and just let yourself meditate and clear your mind. Take a nap if you want to. Your brain is struggling to keep up with everything, you have to let it rest. Make a recipe that reminds you of the past and brings back happy memories. Watch a comfort show. Talk to family or friends that make you feel better. Just gove yourself some time to decompress bc you will not be able to continue studying if you are still overwhelmed.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret: it doesn't matter if you fail. It doesn't matter if you do terribly on your exams and fail a class bc you can always take it again. The funny thing about university is that it feels very important but it's similar to high school in that no one cares about your grades as long as you have a degree. There was one class i took that i got a 1.5 GPA on, and the only reason i passed the 1.0 GPA requirement for it was bc covid made learning remote so i was essentially able to cheat on my last exam sksksk. But i never think about that class a year after graduation. It has no effect on my day to day life. It will never affect me in the future. I have my bachelor's degree and i have a plan for the future. Life moves on.

But maybe you're just scared of the idea of failure in general, but everything happens for a reason. I was devastated when all of my vet school applications wete rejected. I felt like a failure and that i wasn't good enough and never would be good enough, but if that had never happened then i wouldn't have all the experiences i have today. I wouldn't have a new job that i love and i may not have made improvements in my life. Your failures give you opportunities to learn and grow, and you can make more informed decisions with your newfound knowledge. It's still scary bc you still fear failure, but now you have experience to look back on and reference when in a similar situation. Think about what worked and didn't work for you on your exams. Is there any way to talk to your professor about them? Perhaps you could go over your strengths and weaknesses to find out what you need to work on for your next tests. Idk what country you're in but many professors enjoy when students are passionate about improving upon their grades, so it wouldn't hurt to reach out and ask for help.

Ik it's hard, but you need to allow yourself to be weak. You need to allow yourself to cry until you're exhausted. Crying helps the body release excess chemicals, including those that stress you out like cortisol. Ik it's difficult, but you need to let this biological process happen so that your body can rebalance itself and function properly. The longer you push it down, the harder it will be on your brain and body. So just cry. In your pillow, in the shower, in public: wherever you want. Just let it out. Let yourself feel those feelings. Here's a good graphic to help you do that:

If it's any consolation, I've felt the way you have before. I've felt hopeless and awful and i convinced myself i would never be happy. Just last year i believed people who called me a narcissist, manipulative, a psycho, pathetic, a gaslighter, etc etc. I hung onto those words and convinced myself that i would never be happy bc i didn't deserve it.

Well guess fucking what, i am happy skskks. Im lucky enough to be able to attend therapy and i worked on things with a therapist and with this hard work and time gone by, im better. Im happy. I felt hopeless but i kept on living and now im experiencing so many new an wonderful things! I would've never guessed i would've been this happy a year or two ago, but i am. Sometimes it just takes time. Life will continue despite how stuck you feel, and you will move past these life events and you will smile and you will laugh and you will be able to breathe without struggling not to cry. You need to allow yourself time to heal and grow. Be patient with yourself. You are not perfect, you are human, which is much more exciting than perfection in my humble opinion. If i was there i would give you the biggest hug, squeeze you tight and rock you side to side and let you cry. And once you've gotten it out of your system, I'll make you some food. Maybe broccoli cheddar soup with toasted sourdough. Ooo and apple pie for dessert, with vanilla ice cream. Something yummy that's definitely self indulgent sksksk.

I hope you feel better soon bubby. I hope my words help in some way and if not i apologize. If you want to talk in private, my dms are always open 💕

[kae-karo]

Kae kae! I wanna hear about your thoughts: what is your headcanon for what happened during that night between Kaeya and Diluc? So many people have different thoughts About what happened and I want to hear yours!

hi hi hello dear!!! oof okay okay well for me i do a lot of speculating based on fic and like. i'll write different things depending on what i want to do with a story, BUT here are my thoughts on what may have happened in canon:

first, the basics/what we know based on character stories - kaeya's vision story (x) is long as hell but worth a refresher read, cause it talks about kaeya's internal struggle between his duty to khaenri'ah and his loyalty to diluc and crepus, and how crepus' death upset the balance. while it doesn't explicitly state a resolution to his struggle, it does go on to talk about how guilt consumed him over the fact that he didn't share in crepus' final moments nor in diluc's grieving - he'd instead stayed back, reminded of 'that ancient plot' (which i think we can safely assume to mean his supposed purpose in mondstadt, in service of khaenri'ah)

the vision story goes into the bare bones version of what happened that night - kaeya admitted the truth of who he was, he expected diluc's anger, diluc and kaeya crossed blades only for a rush of elemental power to overcome kaeya as he received his vision

what i find particularly interesting here is this line about kaeya receiving his vision: "But now, for the first time ever, he was facing his brother as his true self."

vision lore speculation incoming, because i think that it helps us better understand kaeya's situation

we've since learned (thanks inazuma) that a vision responds to (and is inextricably tied to) a person's ambition - i know i've talked before about theories with regards to why certain people receive certain elements, since i believe (someone correct me if i'm wrong) we know now for certain that visions are handed out by the archon of that element

i've speculated in the past that the motivator for a cryo vision was the fear of losing someone or something dear to them (this works well for a few chars: kaeya - diluc, diona - her father, qiqi - her life) but starts to get a little forced if it's applied to other cryo chars

but with a bigger pool of chars and a canon explanation for why one might receive a cryo vision, i think my revised assessment works better: the ambition that a cryo vision responds to is a relinquishing of a past self in pursuit of one's true self. or, perhaps a less optimistic take, the relinquishing of a fantasy life for a more complex but truer one

ganyu, setting aside her life as solely qilin and accepting both halves of herself when she took up her position among the liyue qixing. rosaria, choosing to fight for her life against those who would use and control her. eula, setting down her learned grievances in pursuit of a life and a 'vengeance' that felt right to her. chongyun's persistent desire to become a true exorcist. ayaka's acceptance of her leadership role and diligence in her study of skills (that did not come naturally to her) in order to represent her clan. diona's eschewing of her childish desire for her father to be the man she wanted him to be in favor of attempting to accept her father for who he is (she offers to mix him a drink once she knows that he's safe). for qiqi i think it could easily be taken in a literal sense - her past life ended, a new, more complicated one began

for kaeya, his vision story says it all: he gave up his idyllic life of a pretty lie in favor of being honest with diluc in who he truly is, even though that only makes his life more complicated. as was stated in his story, he feels "he must live the rest of his life under the heavy burden of lies"

[unrelated kaeya aside: in his story 2, it says "On the contrary, he actually enjoys putting people into the difficult position of making tough decisions." perhaps you're projecting a bit there, hm kaeya?]

ANYWAY all of this was basically to say that i think kaeya admitted the truth of who he was and why he was in mond, and 'expected diluc's anger' because he'd kept it secret this the whole time. had lived a whole life growing up with diluc and chose to stay silent. and diluc just lost his father for fuck's sake lmao so he's definitely emotionally overwhelmed

bc in kaeya's character story 5, he and diluc are described as "knowing each other's thoughts and intentions without a word", which says to me that they...basically told each other everything? knew each other too well, but kaeya had still chosen to hide this from diluc. of course diluc would feel betrayed, and of course kaeya would expect him to - he knows him well, after all

but he saw this fight as his punishment, or perhaps losing diluc as his punishment, or (if you want to be especially grim about it) maybe even losing his own life as a punishment for his secrecy - ultimately, though, i can't quite bring myself to believe that diluc cares necessarily about kaeya's actual ancestry (or like...even his supposed duty to khaenri'ah), more just...that he hid this from diluc

and i think that kaeya receiving his cryo vision, the perfect combatant to diluc's fire (well, sort of lmao) wasn't necessarily what stopped their fight - i think it gave diluc the chance to step back and breathe and see kaeya for a moment, outside of his own anger and hurt, and recognize that he didn't want to fight. he just didn't want to like. process his emotions either lmao (diluc bb u have some issues)

and so kaeya left, burdened with this vision (he describes it as the 'stern reminder' that he must live a life of lies), and he and diluc never really...figured their shit out. diluc ran away, kaeya learned to live without him

and kaeya, to me, seems to have developed that mindset of like...'diluc is exactly as he was that night and has not changed'. ie he seems to act as though diluc is still secretly angry with him, in spite of the evidence that shows that...well, he's probably still not processing those emotions BUT it does show that he cares still, somewhere in there (in his vision story, it says "He did not discuss the past. But he did not deny his past, either." and i wonder if he has his ways of showing that he did care, and probably still does - like the vase, like his continued choice to remain in kaeya's presence when there seems to be no need in the 'a child's secret' quest)

askldfjklsdfj i hope this wasn't too excruciating to get through, i know i rambled quite a lot on some tangentially related theories but ty for the ask dear!!!

[chromotps]

🤝🤝🤝 it really is fun to discuss and like, work through these feelings.... I ended up writing a lot about One Piece as a show and its tone, which is one of my favorite things to ramble about, so, you know! thanks for the opportunity. ahaha

omg I felt the same re: "frustrated that Ace's death wasn't really mentioned post time-skip until Dressrosa really". Like, I get that the time-skip was meant to speed up Luffy's training as well as his grieving, but I was still kind of unprepared as a viewer to enjoy things like the Sabaody reunion and Fishman Island Arc. Maybe it would've been different if I hadn't been bingeing the show and instead had been watching/reading it week-by-week? That way as a fan we'd have had time to process, like Luffy did... but...... hmmm :\\

I don't want to spoil too much (I'll try to be vague!!!), but there are a few other characters that die in later arcs, but to your point, they're mostly side characters, and especially ones that feel like part of the "older generation".

Mmmm regarding Ace's death as a "punishment" I'm still uncertain... Like, I think Oda maybe meant to frame it differently (but didn't execute it 100% perfectly, since some fans clearly walked away from Marfineford blaming Ace for what happened :[ ). Oda gives a few current-timeline characters (like Whitebeard!) deaths that focus on how they were taking a stand for honor/the ones they love/an ideal they had/etc, and those deaths seem like badges of honor in a weird way? I know that's a terrible way to word it, but I'm having trouble getting at it--but it's that thing that shounen manga does a lot, where honor is such a tangible virtue that dying with integrity (especially in some badass show of strength) is framed as more valuable than living with ''''cowardice''''.

(Which makes me think about the toxic masculinity in a lot of shounen stories, when they frame being "tough" as better than being "weak"/vulnerable/asking for help. Though I'm generalizing like, a tonnnnn here 😅. But still, in a One Piece world where there wasn't so much emphasis on characters shouldering suffering alone to be manly (thinking of like, Zoro insisting on taking Kuma's pain thing instead of Sanji, or... some more stuff in Wano I don't want to spoil 😂)—in a One Piece world like that, Ace wouldn't have ended up in that final predicament anyway!!)

I very much agree with everything you said about Luffy's Journey... especially "we're told that it adds weight more than we're shown that it does". Like, Sabo's post-timeskip actions fit with that too—we get one quick, and admittedly very heartbreaking scene of him becoming aware of Ace's death......... and then he's fine! Ready to go kick some ass and protect Luffy and do what needs to be done. Though, again, this kind of feels like a One Piece... trait? I don't want to say flaw, bc tbh I like the overall tone of One Piece, but a lot of characters (Nami, Sanji, Robin, most SHs 😂) go through deeply traumatic things and then act just kind of... "normal" within a couple episodes? I guess? Anyway, it would have hit a lot harder/more effectively if we did get just a little more direct evidence of Luffy being changed.

But thennnn like........ I don't know if it would still feel like One Piece at that point! Like, I saw some bit of trivia that I'm 65% sure is true, that Oda confirmed in one of those Q&A things, that Luffy has nightmares about Marineford. (actually, there's a one-off line about Sabo having nightmares, too!) That detail's incredibly touching and adds so much depth, but I also do think I'd be kind of put off if I actually saw something like that in an episode of the anime. Like, OP walks this weird line by having some intensely dark moments, but never giving them too much weight/attention so that the optimistic tone is carefully preserved. Comparing it to a show like Attack on Titan (which I stopped watching bc I honestly got sick of characters being killed off for shock value and people thinking that was good writing), I'd much rather have One Piece's manner of showing death and grief...

ajksgldfh I keep saying this and then waffling, but ok yes. 100% agree about Ace and Worth. Like, through a shounen manga lens, I can see Oda really thinking Ace had a full satisfying emotional arc. But when you start applying anything even slightly more nuanced to it/more modern thinking, he clearly had so much hurt left to resolve. Totally heartbreaking, totally agree, ugh.

Hm!!!!! What you said about the live action!!!!! god part of me is terrified for my heart if they do make it to the Marineford Arc, and the other part of me is terrified they won't. 😂 But dang it'd be cool to see an Oda-approved........ alternative? Or just, yeah, what changes would they make, considering they've already tweaked a few other plot points to make them stronger or more appealing to a more modern audience!!

I just watched MelonTeee's video on Ace and Worth and man the internal debate I have with myself on whether I agree with the choice or not...

Her video explains the fandom's love for the character so well, as well as why the tragedy hit so hard. For me personally I have not been that affected by a character death in a LONG time.

And I understand it from a certain narrative perspective – mainly how Ace's past continues to feature in the story a decade later, and Whitebeard's line that someone would carry Ace's flame, because that clearly describing Luffy. He goes after the mera mera no mi and finishes what Ace started in Wano.

But there are two major narrative reasons given for Ace's death that I disagree with. And are largely why I think it shouldn't have happened, and also why the death has hit me so hard.

This is going to get long, but I would really love to hear everyone's thoughts on it if you choose to read!

To give Luffy the push he needed to be stronger: I am pretty confident this is Oda's stated reason (in addition to Oda wanting to prove he could kill characters which I guess he said at one point and which is bleh). Anyway. That push already happened on Sabaody when Luffy lost everyone to Duma. He was HELPLESS. More helpless than he was through most of marineford. And when Rayleigh convinces Luffy to do the 2 years training, Rayleigh only brings up their epic defeat on Sabaody. He does not bring up marineford or Ace's death as a reason Luffy needs to get stronger. Because Luffy did not need that reason. The only argument I can think of is that maybe once he landed on Amazon Lily, and he realized the strawhats were likely alive, the terror he felt on Sabaody abated slightly. And therefore maybe he needed a reminder of what "loss" truly is to re-motivate him. However, I don't think that is really fitting with his character or the story.

Ace's dream was fulfilled: Oda has talked about the reason he doesn't kill villains is because not having your dream fulfilled is a worse fate than death. I think part of the tragedy of Ace's death was that his dream wasn't fulfilled. Even for those who accept his last words - that he had only one regret which was not seeing Luffy accomplish his dream - the amount of time he got to live with that dream was literally the last moments of his life. But I don't think just because you die with no regrets, does not mean your dream is fulfilled. Especially when Ace never truly internalized what his dream was. His final choice to turn around showed HOW MUCH he still was that lonely, scared little kid he was at 10 despite his warm smile and his growing family. The most heartbreaking part of the flashback was not Sabo's death. It was watching Ace asking the question "do I deserve to exist?" and giving all his devotion to those who said yes. It was him making the exact same decision he would make 10 years later, to refuse to run, because he felt like if he ran he would lose everything and Luffy was standing behind him. Ace's final words do more than state he has no regrets. He also gives the answer to the question he'd asked Garp, and that Garp had said only his actions could decide. Ace died thanking Luffy and his family for loving him despite the "worthless" or "good for nothing" person he was. Ace was moved to tears to hear his family emphatically saying "YES. You do deserve to live! We want you to live!" But Ace never actually believed it. His last words were a reflection of gratitude for the love he was given that he didn't feel he deserved. And thus his final answer to the question "Do I deserve to exist?" was no.

That he was too "good" This is kind of the most upsetting one I've heard (thankfully not a lot) and also the one easiest to dismiss. Ace, being the actual son of the pirate king, being super powerful, growing in strength and reputation faster than Luffy (debatable), put him narratively in competition with Luffy. What I mean by that is it positions him as too much the golden character, the mary sue, the typical protagonist, when One Piece is about Luffy's story, not Ace's. I disagree with the premise of seeing Ace's character that way. But also even he was "that" character, it's pretty clear Ace's dream would have taken him to becoming Whitebeard's heir - whose dream it was to build a family - while Luffy is Gol D Roger's heir. So Ace's journey would have supported the main story of One Piece and also be narratively satisfying.

---

What Was Ace's Dream?

The dreams Ace stated out loud were more reflections of his actual, deeper dream. "I want to be the king of the pirates" - because he wanted to prove his existence and his worth to the world. Which switched to "I want to make whitebeard the king of the pirates" - because Whitebeard loved him despite his blood, and so even if that wasn't what Whitebeard wanted, it was how Ace understood he could repay Whitebeard.

Both of those stated dreams get back to this question he'd been asking his whole life - that of worth. Worth and Love, which, for Ace's character, are inseparable.

For Ace's dream to truly be fulfilled, it's not enough for him to accept he was loved – which he did on the scaffolds, crying from happiness – he had to believe he was worth that love. He had to love himself.

Ace died with that dream tragically unfulfilled.

---

The Purpose of One Piece

Of course the decision to kill Ace makes the story more realistic and of course it is heartbreaking, tragic, moving, and obviously inspires deeper discussion.

However, what rankled me from when I first learned about his death, which was way before I was even introduced to the character in Alabasta, was that he is the only character of the younger generation (outside of flashbacks) to die.

Honestly when I first heard Ace was one of the only characters to die, I was just worried it would make him seem weaker or stupider than every other character, which is a personal pet peeve of mine. Luckily for most fans, it didn't do that.

Instead, what wound up upsetting me was how it seemed to contradict the purpose of the story that is One Piece (at least what I think the purpose is). In doing so, it opposes the meaning that many fans find in this absurd, ridiculous, inspiring, heartfelt, heroic tale about a boy made of rubber.

One Piece is an escapist story about a boy named Luffy who inspires every good guy he meets to pursue and achieve their dream. It's also about Luffy beating up every bad guy who punishments are that they cannot fulfill their morally reprehensible dreams.

Because of Ace's premature death, he is the only good guy character in the main timeline who does not get to pursue his dream. And what's extra tragic is that he is also one of the most deserving of seeing his dream fulfilled.

[holyjareau]

imo, the show was often unilaterally focused on Piper, but only on what she could do for others (Piper the wife and Piper the mother) rather than who she was as a person. Piper's individual characterization was lost sometime around s5 as soon as she got pregnant, and being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series. I would be very interested to hear what you define as Piper's mental issues/trauma, bc as you say it doesn't get said enough

this has been in my inbox forever and i’m just getting around to it so my apologies.

but okay. so. yes. i think a lot of tv shows fall into this weird place where like. all of their characters begin with these kinda vague personalities because you’re just getting to know them. and as the show goes on, you pick up more pieces and stuff . and that’s great. that’s interesting and entertaining and it takes you on a journey and all. but often what happens is many shows fall into this pit where writers either get lazy, they change, or whatever, and the actors are tired of playing the part or whatever . and like. the characters become like. caricatures of themselves. and it just gets exhausting to watch because they’re not like. real people anymore.

Piper's individual characterization

so now for the charmed thing. so from the beginning. i have loved piper. like she’s the middle sister, overlooked, quiet, reserved, pessimistic but also realistic, gentle, thoughtful, all that. we see right away that she loves to cook .. she’s so happy her family is back together. she kept in touch with phoebe behind prue’s back. but she’s loyal to the both of them. her first idea was to have a reunion dinner when phoebe came home. she’s literally so cute n she deserves a hug. but no like. as we go on, we see that she wants to be good, she wants a stable life with no more loss, she Loves Love !! like. she wants to just be happy , open her own restaurant n just cook. she’s also so shy .. definitely panicky and anxious. and she doesn’t trust herself. she’s skeptical of everything, and she’s very thoughtful when it comes to big situations. even in the early days with leo and into season 2, she mentioned a few things about like “i’ve been thinking a lot about this...” and you can see she’s good at communicating with people. she’s also got these other dimensions to her like . she is interested in lots of cuisine types, she loves to read (and is a camus fan !!) , she drives a jeep (which i wanna know how she got bc i have questions), when she found out she was a witch her first thought was just . i need to go and see if i am still a good person . and she went to church. prue was surprised to learn that piper enjoys knitting. in the early seasons (especially mid-late season 3) we saw her with her plants and all. she’s just this natural peacekeeper. but like. we literally got a crying scene in the second episode because she was so conflicted about this. and she’s such a deep and complex character that i fell in love with so fast . and like . literally my favourite fictional character to exist . genuinely holly breathed so much life into piper . anyway . so. here’s the thing.

being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series

like. piper was who i described above. and like . i kinda think . a bit. that like . the writers . especially in s4 . were like . hmm well  . she’s just lost prue, she’s gonna be grieving . and like we need more for her. so. she’s been married to leo for the better part of a year, been with him for like . 3 years. so. let’s maybe consider giving them a kid but not just yet . just Content kinda stuff. so anyway they drop little hints in here and there starting in like . 4x07 i think? which . brain drain really paid the rent . fully just. holly did so well. but like. that ep was just. a neat way of looking into her mind and seeing the horrors of manipulation and gaslighting and everything . and of course holly knocked it out of the park. but at that point, they were kinda like . hmm . kids ? and they started toying with the idea, having piper and leo consider it, talk about it, they had paige and phoebe ask about it , all of that good stuff. as you do. made for some funny tv at some points. and like . i really, really Get It . when piper’s like . ahh the baby wouldn’t be safe around here !!!! like. Girl, Valid . your sister just died and like . you went on forever about how she was The Most Powerful One . The Strongest One . and yet she still died . so she’s like ??? am i next ?? and like obv it doesn’t make sense for her to jump on this train of like . i’m gonna have a kid !!!! so she’s really valid in her thought process there. and like. after having wyatt . i think the writers really . idk. couldn’t do waaay too much with her character anymore because i feel like . to an extent, anything she does will be scrutinized bc i’m not just . saying this . i rlly feel like sometimes piper’s the easiest to hate. like idk why but i loved her. but anyway. if she stays at home with wyatt and doesn’t wanna fight demons n all . then she’s selfish towards her sisters n she’s awful n prue wouldn’t have let her do that !!!! etc . but if she fought demons it’s like . uh sweetie you have a child . really ??? why put yourself in a situation that might have you ending up like patty 2.0 ... bc i could do a Whole post on how patty’s situation messed piper up the most. but anyway.

it’s the way i’m fully rambling so if you’re reading this . i love you . anyway okay . so . i think in a tv show you’ve gotta kinda check boxes. the best tv shows have characters you see yourself in . you relate to them. you hear them and understand their decisions and actions and thoughts. the things they do just makes sense 2 you. so like. with prue, anyone married to their job could relate to her. any oldest sibling could see themselves in her, you know ? she was hard-working, committed, logical, protective. and with phoebe, anyone who couldn’t “settle down” in their early 20s related 2 her, anyone who felt like the outcast of the family, the “screw-up” .. right. makes sense. she was so kind, caring, had-your-back kinda girl. we all love those. paige was like . the new kid, trying to fit in, creative, curious, and definitely a lifelong learner. and then there’s piper who was shy, resistant, really just wanted to be normal. and loved. and i think everyone could kinda identify with at least one of the sisters regardless of where you stood in your own family. so as the show went on, it’s like . they still want you to keep watching and keep being able to identify with them because it’s not like they’re humans with normal lives so they’ve already kinda lowkey got that going against them . so their more “human” and normal lives... we’ve gotta be able to identify with them to be able to invest time. so they had prue always working, having trouble balancing love and work, looking out for her family. we had phoebe kinda living her life, getting her career going, then kinda wanting a family. we had paige learning magic and being super interested and involved and then getting married. and we had piper who had her career pretty early on, got married, and had kids. like. i think the big thing is the marriage and kids. and when you’re a mother . the only mother really in the show, the show lowkey centres around you . like. for starters, the show usually is in the manor, and if you’re a mother, you’re very likely at home, esp with young kids. so i think that alone kinda was like . huh yeah . won’t see piper out waaay too much anymore i guess !!! but no like . there’s That. that’s kinda. the thing that really can’t change with the show . like. piper’s got kids now and a husband and very, very likely . her life will be centred around her home. which. listen she’s wanted that i think - the stability . she’s wanted that forever. and this is the form it came in. but i should stop rambling here and cut to the point .

Piper's mental issues/trauma

disclaimer: i’m not diagnosing her, i’m just speculating based off of my own experiences with mental health

so. okay. very early on. we saw that anxiety. like. yes . she was nervous about like a whole new life experience . or whatever we’re gonna call it when you figure out you’re a witch . but like she was Anxious . like. crying in the attic over being a bad person . needing phoebe to talk her down by telling her she’s such a caring person, she’s always doing things for other people . and then there’s the whole anxiety that comes with. my family’s falling apart because my sisters are fighting so i use really awkward methods of getting out of things . like using humour as a coping mechanism !!! which. gave us some iconic one-liners. but that’s beside the point . anyway. point is. early on, that anxiety was there. there’s an ep in season 1 where she’s literally entering a panic attack in her kitchen and phoebe’s using a menu to cool her down. like. Yikes! and then she’s just. her awkward self around everyone but that’s endearing and is just part of her personality . and i think a lot of the anxiety stemmed from childhood. we heard a few times about how prue and phoebe had boyfriends growing up, were always pretty and popular and all. phoebe was popular, too, just, in the other crowd. but nonetheless, piper faded into the background, doing well in math - well enough to go off and be a banker . and like. she sacrificed a lot for grams. she stayed in san francisco ... we all know the girl had the marks for stanford or something . like. though . still, i think she liked the stability of home and prob would’ve stayed . but in 3x17 she’s all !!! grams !!! the doctor said no caffeine !!! and when grams was taking the pic of them outside and she had an episode , piper was all !!!! shallow breaths !!! like. it was clear piper was the one taking her to the appointments and footing the bill. like. she literally became a banker just bc it had benefits n stuff. like. poor girl really thought . anyway that’s a whole spiral. but no. like she really sacrificed The Most for her family and everyone still thought she was selfish for wanting to move out . when like back then grams was literally ... sick ... and prue was out here moving out and phoebe was nowhere to be found . so. that . definitely would have added to her anxiety about even wanting to do anything for herself because she’ll be perceived as selfish in a heartbeat. even if it’s not Mean . it’s just. she’d never risk it. but there’s the anxiety. there are a few lil things here n there about how she gets nervous n stuff, she represses things (3x07 i think was where phoebe said piper represses her anger n just sucks it up n does whatever) . she literally cancelled her doctor’s appointment Twice . anyway. it still angers me. then in season 7 . patty and victor were like . oh she had night terrors that were so bad we took her to the doctor ! and i just ... honey . baby. she thought she caused the divorce. at 4? 5? she watched victor leave on her 5th birthday, watched a demon attack her, grams, and victor. prue said she didn’t cry at patty’s funeral and i’ll make a safe bet that piper did. and i think growing up without patty was strange for sure. prue had more memories and phoebe had none. and piper had fragments of this person everyone loved . and she was stuck between knowing her and not knowing her. and when patty was sent to her for her wedding day, (as well as in 1x17) . both times when patty hugged them . prue and phoebe hugged her, eyes closed n all. while piper was on the outside, eyes open . looking numb as all hell . and you know. i rlly think she was Giving Them That because phoebe didn’t get her and prue kinda . in a way. lost more of her . if that makes sense ?? and i just. patty really was like . they sent me to You. and 5 seconds later . piper’s like . they sent mom to Us !!! and it’s that idea of sacrifice and never having anything for yourself because she was never just . given anything for herself . everything in her life has been a sacrifice and as a mother, that’s perpetuated. she can assume that role with more of a purpose . like. people won’t really feel sorry for her now as the “forgotten” sister, they won’t try and coddle her or anything. and another thing. control. piper craved stability and control. i think while cooking was something she loved, it also gave her a lot of control . she could control her whole kitchen . even in season 8 .. maybe vaya con leos actually . leo mentioned how much piper craves control. and the control motif makes sense with her powers too. like. piper craved control so much that her powers allowed her to control things down to the atom. so there’s the whole anxiety and needing to control things to ease her anxiety and all. there’s That whole thing.

and then we get to the infamous season 5 fearless spell . ms girl really sat in the attic just writing everything on the wall and it’s the way i screenshotted it and like . zoomed in and tried deciphering it . and like . there’s words like “stop” and i think “sister” is in there a few times, so is “loss” or “lost”. when i watch it next i’ll grab a cap because it’s . disturbing. girl was so scared . literally was writing a spell to get rid of her fears . she also writes Fear . as in. capital F . and like. yeah that’s deep but i do it too like i emphasize words with a capital letter . and like holly marie combs might just have quirky n fun writing but like ... capital F . for Fear. for real . that’s . trauma !!! and she also was having panic attacks at the beginning of season 5. let’s not forget those. which ... we should’ve gotten more of an explanation for . i hope that girl is getting help bc she was Going Through It . and in season 7 when zankou reads her diary . firstly. we Knew this girl kept a diary like . for Sure . she did. and just that little excerpt of when prue died . oops. i’d pay big money to see the rest because again i just think she’s got such a complex mind and like. i’d be so interested to read that. and i think everything re: prue is just Awful for her. like . idk if this is just something quirky i noticed but obv we know prue died in may 2001 . but at the end of 4x03, when piper goes 2 paige’s work 2 bring her muffins !! soft !!! the calendar on one of the desks reads july 2001 ... and i really just. ms girl. i Know they prob just filmed the ep in july but it honestly tracks that she’d be so awfully upset about everything and just . barely able to do anything but cook . for 2 months. like. honey. baby. i wanted 2 just cuddle her bc she was so sad. and like. she tells paige she’s having “good hours” and “not so good hours” . she’s going by the Hour . by the Hour . just. need i say more . i’m so . but no like. if anything like i could see her having like . depression where she’s high-functioning and like just . walking depression i guess ?? like . not even after prue. i think in general. like . she definitely has a melancholic temperament and a type 6 enneagram (the skeptic). that’s For Sure . but i think. just. she’s always just had time to think bc she’s always alone, reading, knitting, cooking, tending to her plants, all that. and i just . think. she has issues. and i think prue knew that. of all people. and i think her knowing that . and then dying. destroyed piper. she lost the last person that was truly a constant in her life . like they shared a roof over their heads forever. and then she was just . gone . and piper was suddenly left to pick up the pieces . and become the oldest sister . and i’m So glad she didn’t fully assume her personality. i’m glad she stayed as piper . just. she’s more cynical and snarky and defensive and cold and that’s okay. she’s hurting. she’s always gonna hurt . and i think it makes her human . she’s pessimistic and sad and has a short fuse at times . but just. again. i love her to bits and i think those issues make her more relatable for me. because while many like to say she became selfish and a negative person and just . awful to be around . i’d say the opposite . i won’t sit and apologize or justify things. also i don’t think piper’s done anything wrong . i just think she’s hurt. she’s been wronged so many times. and she’s .... scared. i think she’s scared . and in season 5 “sympathy for the demon” we learn her true biggest fear is her happiness being stolen away. and like . it’s not that she’s scared she won’t be happy. she’s scared all of the good she’s got will be taken from her . and that’s . terrifying . so . i see why she’s so snarky and bitter and tired and all . she’s terrified of things being taken from her like they have been her whole life. and as i watch the show i really like to just keep that in mind as i get further and further in because yes. she did become a mother and a wife and we saw her arguing with leo a lot and their marriage falling apart and That Whole Era . we saw how it kind of took over her life but i think it happens . i think she even said at one point . i’ve been so many things to so many people, i don’t know who i am anymore . and i think it sums her up perfectly. she doesn’t know who she is because she’s someone to everyone . she’s just. nobody to herself except this scared little girl who just wants Something . Anything . to make sense . some Stability . and her babies, her husband, and her sisters . are all she has for that idea of stability to make sense in her mind. and it was an easy hole to fall into - the Mother - but i think she jumped in. because at the Very Least . nobody could take that title away from her . regardless of how hard they tried .

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[astudyinfreewill]

“look what you made me do” 2/? | masterpost

aka: me making taylor swift songs about dean winchester and/or deancas bc it’s what dean himself would want

second song on deck, as promised; this one actually has quite a few cas beats in it, especially at the start, despite it having a dean vibe overall, so it should be interesting. again, bonus fanvid link at the end <3

this is me trying

i've been having a hard time adjusting i had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting

ok, we start off strong with a couplet that could suit either dean or cas. “the shiniest wheels” is actually a perfectly fitting metaphor for a show that treats cars like emotional avatars of the people who drive them (i could so easily go into a digression about how the same thing happens in trc but this is the wrong post for that... how do i keep finding myself emotionally invested in car-fetishizing media while barely being a can-drive gay myself). ANYWAY, the first thing that comes to mind is the impala and how it’s pretty much synonymous with dean’s sense of self, how it gets wrecked and rebuilt over the course of the show, often tied in to his emotional state. and dean, well. he’s built up a lot of trauma over the years, but he’s also just getting older, as humans do.

on the other hand, we could also see it as a cas line - he’s not as much of a carfucker car aficionado as dean but he’s an adoptive winchester so hey, it still kinda works (rip to the pimpmobile, gone but not forgotten). what i MEAN is -- cas has been slowly falling from grace ever since season 4. he was becoming more human in season 5 already, with a grim prediction of his human future in 5x04; then lived as human for a while in season 7; then became completely human in season 9 before regaining his grace. but in season 15, again, his grace was apparently failing (boy it would be SUCH a shame if that plot point just, like... got dropped... 😐). substitute “wings” for “wheels” and you get a picture of someone who used to be this unstoppable, super-powered angel soldier that demons cowered in fear of, but has slowly become more human over time. as for “a hard time adjusting”... well, cas’ journey towards humanity has not been the easiest transition: it’s come with self-doubt, mental and physical pain, and of course, as he learned about love: heartbreak.

TL;DR: LIFE COMES AT YOU FAST AND THESE GUYS ARE TIRED.

i didn't know if you'd care if i came back; i have a lot of regrets about that

‘kay, this next part is definitely cas. cas who, as i mentioned in the previous post, just keeps leaving, whether that’s because he’s sacrificing himself or taking off on his own. and because that typically goes over like a lead balloon with dean, either because it leaves him grieving and traumatised or it plays right into his abandonment issues (or both - hello purgatory arc!), cas would be tentative about coming back. it’s also very apparent that castiel feels like the winchesters only value him for his abilities and powers (and after all, he’s been created to be a soldier), so if he feels like he’s not being helpful enough, he also tends not to feel wanted (again: dean wants him to stay, but cas wants to be asked to stay). plus, we know every time they’ve had a falling out it takes dean a bit to get over his anger (“dean, i thought i was doing the right thing”; “yeah, you always do”) so i don’t think cas takes his forgiveness for granted, especially if he has lied to him in the process (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode). “a lot of regrets”, indeed.

pulled the car off the road to the lookout, could've followed my fears all the way down; and maybe i don't quite know what to say, but i'm here in your doorway.

here, again, the car can easily work as a metaphor for someone’s emotional state. pulling over to take a breather, to try to assess things from a distance; and with lookout points so often being perched on steep hills, it’s easy to imagine the sense of vertigo, your own fear and self-doubt almost pushing you towards dangerous, self-destructive ideas. and we know cas doesn’t do things by halves - when he’s committed to something he believes is right, he goes all out. and yes, that has led to more than one falling out. 

but despite that - despite his worst fears telling him he should not come back to dean unless he’s “coming back with a win”, or able to protect him from harm (yes i’m thinking about the mixtape episode AGAIN), he does always come back to him. it’s the one thing that dean can always depend on, castiel finding his way back to him like dean is his true north. i’m here in your doorway; the please take me back once more is implied.

i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying

(and dean does take him back, because however many times castiel feels that he has failed in his mission, he always comes back and tries again, tries harder, tries to make it right or do it better. and that’s something dean relates to - fucking up in the worst ways and getting beaten down but always getting back up, always starting over, always trying again. in fact, he’s kind of the one who taught cas that. and with that-- we move over to the dean portion of this.)

they told me all of my cages were mental so I got wasted like all my potential

ah, it wouldn’t be a dean pov without some good old fashioned self deprecation. “all of my cages were mental” isn’t 100% accurate in dean’s case because he has been dealt a pretty shit hand by life, but he also excels at self-sabotage. “I got wasted” is of course an allusion to his alcoholism, but then we have the clever play on words with “wasted potential”, which... hits close to home. all dean’s ever done is tried to live up to what he thought he should be, always feeling like he was falling short. never quite the favourite son, never the man his father thought he should be, not strong enough to resist hell, not the righteous sword of michael the angels expected, not good enough for the people he loves not to leave him, just not enough.

and my words shoot to kill when I'm mad i have a lot of regrets about that

...as i said above: though dean does always forgive the people he loves, it still takes him quite a bit to get over his anger at them. and when he’s angry, he lashes out, often saying things that come off cruel, things he absolutely does not mean. and this part reminds me, yet again, of dean’s painful confession in 15x09, about how he gets so angry and doesn’t know why (of course, the answer is trauma and childhood abuse; but he has no way to process that); and he tries to stop it but he can’t, and he always, always regrets it in the end.

i was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere fell behind all my classmates and i ended up here

oh, dean. dean winchester with his ged and his give ‘em hell attitude. he breaks my heart. i touched on this in my previous post, but there’s something to be said for the fact that dean had to grow up so fast, he really didn’t grow at all in some ways ( “so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere”). from a young age he was shoved in a parental role, having to be both a father and mother to sam, which meant never getting to exist just for himself. which of course, in turn, means he never got to develop a healthy degree of emotional maturity. in “bad boys”, we find out that the only time dean even got close to being a normal teenager, receiving positive reinforcement by sonny and bonding with his peers, john ripped him right out of that safe haven; and by the time “after school special” is set in, he’s given up on ever getting a shot at a healthy environment, using denial as a coping mechanism by trying to pass off his and sam’s shitty, depressing lives as super edgy and cool.

pourin' out my heart to a stranger but i didn't pour the whiskey i just wanted you to know that this is me trying i just wanted you to know that this is me trying at least i'm trying

i don’t really need to explain this bit i guess, but it’s about the implications of how it can somehow be easier to open up to a complete stranger rather than someone you care about; and how for dean, who is used to frequenting seedy bars and dives, one-night stands are as much about comfort than they are about pleasure. that’s the only way he knows how to let himself be touched, seen, held -- because of course, “no chick flick moments”, and besides, we know that when he falls in love he falls hard, so it’s safer to just roll in and out of town. 

the interesting part in this context though, is that “but i didn’t pour the whiskey”, especially since we know dean, like every other winchester, tends to drown out his problems with alcohol; so him choosing to not do that, and instead just look for comfort from a stranger (whether it’s through sex or just chatting away at a bar) is, in itself, a sign of trying to do better. because if there’s one thing dean knows how to do, is trying, and trying, and trying again. in fact, as i mentioned above, it’s kinda where cas learned it too. and we know dean is a stand-in for human nature, so of course, this is also a larger discourse of how humans are flawed and imperfect but can always improve, always do better, always try harder or be more. and maybe that’s what makes a righteous man, really.

and it's hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you you're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

this next part... listen. i don’t know how it fits into the narrative of trying, but what i do know is i can’t stop thinking about grieving dean. about how every time he loses cas, a little piece of him dies too, but it’s a piece that gets bigger and bigger every time, carving a hollow inside him. it’s unsightly, it’s unforgiving, it’s raw - it’s like an open wound. and as much as dean has always taken on the role of the person who puts on a brave face, makes a joke, and pushes all his feelings down, well -- it’s hard to that; it’s hard to focus on anything else when he’s missing cas like a phantom limb. “all i want is you” which is to say i’d rather have you, cursed or not; which is to say, i need you. need you badly enough to see your face everywhere after escaping purgatory, just like “a flashback in a film reel”. 

and i just wanted you to know that this is me trying  (maybe i don't quite know what to say) i just wanted you to know that this is me trying; at least i'm trying.

so, yes. dean is trying. he’s always trying, even though healing and progress are not linear or easy. and he knows he’s got anger issues, he knows he’s bad with his words, but damn it, he always shows up for the people he loves, and he tries to do better, every. damn. time. partly because he’s us, he’s all of us, he’s human perfectibility incarnate; and partly because he loves cas so damn much and maybe if he gets it right this time he’ll get to keep him -- and i don’t know which of the two options makes my heart hurt the most.

---

fanvid rec link here! it’s only for the second half of the song, so the more dean-centric one :)

[captaincartervalues]

Season 5 rewrite

Imagine how great season 5 would have been if the Crisis lead up and Lena’s and Kara’s storyline had been the sole focus, front and center all season long:

We get Team Supergirl and the DEO learning a Crisis is coming and figuring out what exactly that means while analyzing the catalog of DEO alien records at their disposal and searching for any instance of the “Monitor” or “Anti-Monitor.” The team inevitably asking Brainy as he is from the future and Brainy explaining his knowledge or lack thereof concerning the historical event of Crisis while theorizing that Crisis must be the root of the loss of records and certain information in the future.

We get Dreamer trying to tap into the core of her powers to dream Crisis and interpret her visions. She gets stuck and has problems understanding what she is seeing until her mom comes to her and points her toward the solution she’s been ignoring: her sister. Her sister studied her whole life waiting to become Dreamer so of course she has more knowledge than Nia who avoided it her whole life. She is forced to reach out to her sister and work through their issues toward reconciliation so they can both help stop Crisis and become closer as sisters once again.

We get Kara having to face the possibility that her biggest trauma and worst fear may happen again if they don’t figure this out. We get her and J’onn discussing the loss of their worlds and how while their pain is shared the process of their loss differs greatly. Because while J’onn had to watch the gradual and torturous genocide of his people, Kara lost her people and her planet in an instant, forced to relive that firey blaze over and over in the phantom zone, literally and figuratively trapped in time. J’onn asks how she has dealt with that and Kara says she hasn’t, not fully and with tears in her eyes she turns to him and says how can I survive losing it all again? Losing more than what I lost on Krpton? Losing a home I chose to love? Losing a sister? Losing Eliza and you? Losing my best friends? Losing Lena?

We get Kara struggling with preparing for Crisis as Supergirl and not reporting on it as Kara. She struggles with not being able to inform the masses, not letting loved ones cherish the time they have now and say goodbyes they wouldn’t otherwise get. Alex tells her it’s for the best and for their security to keep it confidential but Kara isn’t as sure and resents having to keep yet another secret. She has seen how secrets hurt those you love and she doesn’t know if she’ll be able to keep this one too.

We get Kara telling Lena all about Crisis after saying no more secrets and that Lena will know everything in 5x01. Lena works with the team trying to stop Crisis while also continuing her secret project thinking that the worlds won’t be worth saving unless people stop hurting each other first and that only once she gets them to stop hurting each other will they be able to truly come together to stop crisis. After all, the multiverse may be in physical crisis, but humanity is in a moral crisis. She has to stop both.

We get Kara having vulnerable and open moments with Lena about Krypton and how scared she is of Crisis taking another home. Kara shares more with Lena than she ever has all while Lena shares nothing of her true feelings and anger towards Kara as she continues to use her. Though unbeknownst to Lena, her own emotions are becoming mixed and blurred the more Kara shares with and confides in Lena.

We get Alex trying to bear the burden of DEO Director as the biggest threat to Earth, all the Earths, is before them. We see her second guessing herself and her decisions asking J’onn for help only for him to show her the answers within herself and to trusts her instincts, reminding her of the questionable and wrong decisions the DEO made under him and the times she instilled hope and compassion in him.

We get Alex sharing small and big moments with Kelly knowing they might be the only ones they’ll ever get. We get Kelly dealing with her fears of losing her loved ones and realizing loving someone and loving Alex is worth the fear of losing them and you can’t run from a crisis, you have to run towards it with the support of your people.

We get Kelly having individual talks with the team about coping with something as huge and stressful as Crisis. Kelly talks through some of Nia’s mental blocks so she can dream more clearly and more freely. Kelly talks with Brainy after he breaks down about not having the answers and not knowing which courses of action are statistically better. He becomes indecisive out of fear of leading the team down the wrong path before crisis which prompts him to realign with his original cold and calculating side. Kelly helps him embrace his emotions again reminding him that sometimes the statistically inferior choice is the right choice bc statistics can’t always replace instinct. Kelly talks with Kara about the struggles of living an every day life reporting on things that are trivial compared to the end of existence. Kelly helps Kara realize that in the face of such overwhelming catastrophe, it can be the mundane and the menial that grounds us in reality. Lena refuses to talk with Kelly insisting she is fine but Kelly senses the opposite becoming increasingly worried. She keeps trying to let Lena know she’s there but Lena keeps isolating herself as much as possible.

We get Kara repeatedly skipping meetings about Crisis strategy to help Lena or spend time with Lena and when she is at Crisis brainstorms (with and without Lena) Kara seems distracted at times. Alex talks with Kara about Lena and tries to be understanding but Lena says she forgave Kara and they have bigger things to worry about so Alex gets increasingly frustrated with Kara’s behavior until she explodes. Alex and Kara get into a big fight when Alex confronts Kara accusing her of not putting enough energy and focus into their Crisis prep. Alex demands her full focus and Kara yells back saying she can’t when her focus is Lena. Alex says this is more important than Lena and Kara saying nothing is more important than Lena. Alex reminding Kara there are literal worlds at stake and Kara saying Lena is her world and there is no world worth living on without Lena in her life. (You thought Kara choosing Lena over the world was gay? We could have had Kara choosing Lena over infinite worlds! INFINITE GAYDOM)

We still get the juicy confrontation with Lena and Kara but this time with more emotional stakes bc of all the extra intimate moments they have shared and time spent trying to stop crisis together while Kara thought they were also getting so much closer than they ever have. Kara telling Lena, she knows why she helped them with Crisis but why did she keep pretending to be her friend for so long? And Lena has less of an “I needed you for my plan excuse” and it’s purely “because I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me” stab you the heart. Imagine Lena being able to complete her plan and steal myriad without pretending to be Kara’s friend bc under the guise of crisis she could manipulate Kara into thinking they need whatever from the fortress for Crisis and instead actively choosing to get closer to Kara emotionally just to devastate her as much as Kara did her.

We get another confrontation between Alex and Kara where instead of Alex doing a character 180 and using the “sHe’S a LuThOR” excuse, it’s her just saying Lena is my friend too and I care about her but we don’t have time to try to save her, Kara. We have to stop her now so we can get back to Crisis. And Kara refusing to accept that, saying they have to try bc it’s Lena and she can’t lose Lena. She won’t lose Lena. Alex trying and failing to convince Kara they don’t have the time and asking Kara if she’s really willing to risk the fate of the multiverse on a friend. Kara saying she’s not a friend. She’s Lena. I would risk it all for Lena. And Alex being like wait that’s like super gay my dude but we’ll chat about that later. Okay you useless bi let’s go save your girlfriend.

Bonus:

We could have still gotten some spicy Andrea+Kara conflict along the way as Kara tries to balance reporting with dealing with Lena and Crisis while establishing Andrea’s character as CatCo and Obsidian CEO more

Getting only hints and foreshadowing of leviathan and William’s investigation of them for an epic and surprising reveal of Andrea’s involvement in 5B

James deciding that his best role for Crisis isn’t as Guardian but as a photographer capturing human/alien moments on film and documenting the beauty of life while he can because sometimes it’s not just about fighting tooth and nail to survive but about living while you can. Knowing that his photos can later deliver some hints of comfort of pre-Crisis life during post-Crisis grieving

Alex introducing Kelly to Eliza bc they might not get the chance later

Alien/challenge of the week sent by the Monitor to test certain aspects of Team Supergirl and give each character a moment of reflection and growth before Crisis begins

Idk maybe an actual freaking conversation between Kara and her mom for once that actually deals with the shit she went through

[dawniebb]

Closure

So...back again with another marathon I’m hosting (?) with @healing-winston-pratt <3! about our canon divergence because canon is for the weak :) however, this time you’ll only see me so...yeah, guys, I’m sorry, bEAR WITH ME LMAO AFSGHJADFGSHJA :’)))

I thiiiiiink this is...the last marathon we’ll do about this I think, and it’s a series of four fics called “Closure” which is...basically, what the name says :’) it’s about people finding closure for the ones they lost throughout the books AND before the books this is about Georgia hello darling you’re wonderful im sorry mm killed you because we thought it was..necessary after that half-assed Supernova epilogue uwu. So yeah. The first one in this Closure series is Georgia :’)

You can use this post as a masterlist for backround bc we don’t have one yet

And the tag list (If you want to be addedOR removed just notifiy us pls): @novadreamer95438 @idkimbadwithusernamesandstuff @novas-tunnel-of-anxiety @obsidianfr3sk

ALSO I NAMED THESE AFTER SONGS :) So the link will be in the lyrics I hope

Georgia

I Kill Giants

Heavier heels His mourning concealed On the saddest of days Why couldn’t we save you?

A couple days after the supernova, once all the funerals had passed and things were going back to normal, Adrian went to visit his mom.

Georgia Rawles was buried inside a very ostentatious mausoleum, located in Gatlon’s cemetery.

Nobody had ever confirmed that, but rumor had it, it resembled the structure of Pops’ old house, by the edges of the city, close to the abandoned train rails; it had similar dimensions and structure, but the décor was a hundred times better, with white pillars, stairs that led to the entrance and a wooden gate with a carved R; at some point in time, all members of the Council would be there.

Right now, it was only Mom and Evander.

The mausoleum was always surrounded by gifts that people left there. And right now, since Gatlon was grieving Blacklight, the fence was open to the public.

Though…

Well…

Whether the fence was locked or not wouldn’t have mattered under normal circumstances because, obviously, Adrian had his own copy of the key, though he rarely went to see her. Not because he didn’t love her (he did. A lot. And he missed her every day despite having been torn from him when he was just a kid), but because…

Because he liked to remember her as what she had been, not for the fact she wasn’t here anymore; he liked to see her in family albums and draw her, but the mausoleum was a very…sad place for him, almost depressing.

It was also a place where he liked to be alone with Mom. And sometimes talk to her. After all, they lived in a world where people had powers; everything was possible. Which meant that, deep down, Adrian still had faith she would answer someday.

But she never answered.

Not really.

But it wasn’t like that made Adrian mad, because maybe she was too busy doing something else; maybe she was very comfortable…wherever she was. And that made him feel rather happy.

To know she was at peace.

So, slowly, Adrian walked up the stairs, and then opened the gate.

The smell of candles and flowers greeted him, for the two headstones were being visited more often these days.

The Renegades’ slogan was written on top of the wall where the headstones rested.

Bold. Valiant. Just

Written in shining silver, so they didn’t take much attention from the spots where the two fallen Council members laid.

Right now, the bottom of the wall was upholstered with Blacklight and Lady Indomitable plushies, photographs, and tons of flowers.

So many flowers, that Adrian had to, manually, remove some of them to make his way to the wall; first, he left the bouquet he had brought for Evander; he had put some snacks in it, because it had seemed…funny in a bittersweet way at the moment, and also tons of polaroid photos Adrian had taken with him some years ago, when he was trying to entertain him during a Christmas dinner.

Evander had always been Adrian’s favorite Council member, because he…was young enough to treat him as brother; of course, Evander was an adult, but that didn’t change the fact he was younger than 14 when Adrian was born, and they had always shared a rather close relationship. He was annoying at times and, during the last months he was alive, he had fallen into a bottomless pit of madness, which deformed his personality until he almost acted like a dictator.

Of course, Adrian didn’t condone that, but he still had good memories regarding Evander and he doubted he would ever get rid of those memories. Mostly because…somehow, he didn’t want to.

 “May the light guide your way.”

Evander Wade. Blacklight.

Brother, husband, father, friend and hero.

 Adrian supposed the right thing to do would’ve been saying something, but he hadn’t come here today to talk to Evander, so he didn’t have anything to tell him. Not really.

So he just touched the headstone, but then he moved on to his mom’s, which was to the left of Evander’s.

And there she was.

There was Mom.

“When in doubt…fly.”

Georgia Rawles. Lady Indomitable.

Sister, mother, friend and hero.

 And also gone too soon, like Evander, but nobody ever wanted to say that, because it was depressing.

Gulping, Adrian placed the bouquet of white and pink roses on the floor, and ran his fingers through his mother’s name.

“You can’t see it…but I have a lot of bandages beneath my clothes.” He told her, barely able to laugh. “…because I got a ton of tattoos. I don’t know if you would’ve approved that but…yeah. I already took them off, though…in the most violent way you can imagine. But I’m doing good.”

His sentences, like it always happened, were met with cold silence, as Adrian ceased caressing the name and hugged himself, feeling the bandages that were wrapped around his body; the wounds barely hurt anymore, though. After all, they had been treated by a prodigy healer; the process was supposed to be this fast.

“I hope you’re doing good too.” Adrian said, taking a deep breath, before staring at his feet.

If he had to find a word to describe what he had been feeling since the battle of the cathedral, that word would’ve been “shock”. Because, there in the cathedral, it had been the first time somebody had told him what he had done. And his heart had been feeling heavy ever since , and Adrian didn’t know how he was going to get up from this one.

Maybe he wouldn’t.

Maybe it was something that would torment him forever unless he got help, which didn’t seem so unlikely, given that he had his dads were supportive and also willing to help him go through the process and everything.

But everything was way too heavy, just…

Knowing what he had done, even if it hadn’t been directly his fault.

“Something that seems…extremely weird, in the good sense…. Is that…” Adrian coughed. “I crossed paths with the little girl you were trying to save, and you would be happy to know she’s an amazing person…and…well…she’s my girlfriend now so, you know…she…she’s just amazing, and I love her; I guess you would’ve loved her too...”

His voice was starting to break, but Adrian chose to continue, adjusting his glasses using his pinky and sniffing.

“She’s also very broken. But she’s trying to get better, and forgive…” He said. “….I like to believe you would forgive me too, you know? Because I…I don’t know. We both know what happened. And I…”

I’m sorry.

“I loved you so much. I still do. I’m sorry my fear of losing you was bigger, until it took you away. You didn’t deserve that.” Adrian had no longer control over his shaking hands. “You were supposed to be here; to meet Nova; to be with me and I’m…I’m sorry I…I’m so sorry, mom.”

He shook and shivered, but he didn’t cry.

Not yet.

Because when he touched his mother’s headstone again, he just remembered the texture of her skin; it was always soft and warm, although her hands were a little calloused, and she smelled like violets and sun (even if people tended to insist on the fact that the sun didn’t smell like anything); he remembered how he wrapped his legs around her waist as she held him into her arms and danced with him around the apartment to Have You Ever Seen the Rain, although Adrian didn’t understand the lyrics back then and he was yet to have the guts to listen to the song again; he remembered how Mom spun around, kissing his nose, and at some point she got so lost in the moment, that her feet lifted up from the ground.

That had been a good day. And those had been a good 6 years. And while Adrian rested his head against the headstone, he almost felt the fabric of her pants, as he saw her taking out her Lady Indomitable costume and begged her to stay at home, just for today.

Now that he was older, he had grown to accept that had been her job, and he was her legacy, although not everything that was left of her.

This world. The whole twisted yet powerful everything this world had, was what was left of Georgia Rawles. And Adrian would forever be proud she was his mom, just like he was proud Hugh and Simon were his dads. Because he had fallen in the safest place he could think of.

Adrian remained like that for a while, pressing his forehead against Mom’s headstone until, through the thick blank noise, he heard knocking; three gentle knocks on the gates by the entrance, which made him jump.

And, when he turned around, all he could see was Hugh.

Which…didn’t surprise him at all.

He was wearing a jacket and jeans, but Adrian could see that his blue shirt was the one he often wore to sleep; besides, he was fidgeting with the car keys between his fingers, which only confirmed what Adrian had been thinking before leaving the house.

He should’ve had notified his dads he was leaving early; he had risen with the sun, only to be here in the cemetery before everyone else could. But he hadn’t told Hugh or Simon.

And, lately, Simon had been having trouble to sleep, so by the time the sun was rising, he often went to Adrian’s room and slept on the couch; he supposed he had tried to do that, and then he hadn’t found him, which led to immediate chaos.

Yet, Hugh didn’t seem mad.

In fact, once he put the car keys inside his pockets, he smiled.

“Mind if I join you?”

Adrian didn’t answer, but Hugh understood it was a positive answer anyway, so he went ahead; the sound of his steps created a faint echo, and when he was next to him, Hugh wrapped an arm around Adrian’s shoulder, gently.

Then, they both stared at the headstone in silence, as if they both were having their own private conversation with Georgia, in a crowded, yet very intimate scenario; a phenomena that went on until Hugh scoffed, laughing at his own thoughts, and looked at Adrian, saying:

“When your mother was pregnant, her baby bump remained hidden for quite some months; she only had a small bulge in her lower stomach…and we would always tease her about it saying that was just her abs..” He laughed. “…which would make her mad, of course. Georgia was such a mom. I feel like she really wanted to have a child, despite having acted as mom towards all of us…and she wanted to have a pretty baby bump, because she wanted to remind herself you were there….that, and cute maternity clothes, I guess.”

In response to the sudden comedy break, Adrian snorted, adjusting his glasses again.

“We can’t judge her.” He told Hugh. “We’ll never be pregnant, but we gotta admit maternity clothes are cool.”

“Oh, they were cool. And pretty expensive also. Geez, Adrian, thanks for forcing us into involuntary fasting.”

“Dad!” Adrian chuckled, punching him in the ribs, despite knowing Hugh hadn’t felt anything.

Hugh laughed with him, but his laugh, suddenly, became inexistent, and Hugh scratched his own chin, staring at the headstone. Smiling at it, and probably waiting for something that would not happen.

So he decided to speak again, although his voice sounded more hesitant, and the most…insecure Adrian had ever perceived it.

“Your dad was going crazy.”

Adrian already knew that, even if nobody had told him.

“…but I told him to calm down, because I just…knew you were here. It’s where I always come when things are rough.”

To that sentence, Adrian stared at his feet, but not yet pulling away from his father’s touch. He knew Mom and Hugh had been pretty close but, if he wanted to be honest, he had no idea he liked to come here to visit her.

“Adrian, you see…” Hugh didn’t stare at him either.

“Your mom was amazing. She was…one of the most amazing people I’ve ever meet, and I don’t think anyone that I happen to meet in the future will top her…she was an outstanding mom and just…the coolest best friend I could ever ask for.”

As Hugh’s body seemed to grow weak, Adrian felt the burning need to hold his hand, but it was far.

“…and I miss her every day, just like you; and your dad, and Tamaya, and Kasumi, and…” For a whole second, Hugh’s lips quivered when he came to the realization he had been this close to list Evander, before noticing he was also gone, so Adrian remained staring at him.

And Hugh stared back, his blue eyes looking vulnerable and just…

Weak.

So, so weak and tiny.

“You were her son. And she loved you more than I’ve ever seen a mother love her child…and I know how much you’re hurting, because I know Simon and I will never be able to fill the space she left…believe me, we’re not trying to replace her…but we’re doing our best to be enough.” He said.

“….and I understand your pain…and your grief and all the awful things you might feel when you realize you’ll never see her again…because, Adrian, I…” His lips quivered again, but this time Hugh didn’t mind to stop him.

However, Adrian could see he was choking and stumbling on his pride, which stood stubbornly in the way, until Hugh decided he was stronger, let go of Adrian and held his hand instead, tightly.

“…I need her too.” He said, almost relieved, as if a secret of a lifetime had slipped from his mouth.

“I need her so much, and I miss her so much…because she was...like a sister. She was my best friend and she’s gone, and I have to live without her and…Sometimes I feel so lost…and I just know...” As tears streamed down his face, Hugh sniffed and looked away.

“…I just know she would’ve known what to do; she would’ve known how to stop this world from falling apart… and if she were here, Evander would’ve met his baby.” Hugh stared at him again, hiccupping.

“And you look so much like her, Adrian. And I miss her so much.”

Unable to see through the fog in his glasses, Adrian removed them, as his own chest went up and down, and he barely had time to process this was the second time he had seen Hugh cry.

“I miss her too.”

And as they wrapped their arms around the other, they mourned Adrian’s mother in the most peacefully painful way possible, just the two of them, in a mausoleum full of flowers, in front of her headstone, coming to the realization that they were damaged; far too damaged, but since they were still sane enough to admit it, it wasn’t too late for them to get help; maybe they would get help, and things would finally get better when they escaped the stunted grief and all the pain Mom had left behind.

He hugged Hugh tightly as he could, feeling as if this was the first time he had ever hugged him, or hold him close.

And he felt something.

Through the dread and the pain, Adrian felt as Mom let go of his hand, leaving a cold emptiness on his wrist, which later turned into warmth due to his own temperature, and Hugh’s hold.

“Simon and you are enough.” Adrian sobbed.

“You’ll forever be enough, and I’ll never be able to put into words how much I love you.”

He meant it. Because, again, Adrian felt safe right there where he was; he felt safe in Hugh’s arms, just like he felt in Simon’s… but there were some things that needed some talking.

Things that needed some type of resolution.

Things that were awful.

Things that were broken.

Things that were shattered.

But when the world crumbled down, as long as people had the willingness to do it, it wasn’t too late to build it again.

And, after all, the first step into fixing something, was accepting the fact it was broken.

[skullrock]

the partners, chapter seven - Steve x Reader

chapter seven - well I wonder

series summary: you and Steve are police apprentices at Hawkins Police Station in the fall of 1986. you get along famously, but there’s something Steve is hiding, and there is an unknown evil lurking in Hawkins. [friends to lovers, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff]

chapter summary: Steve learns what’s been going on in Hawkins; You head to Bartini to find and rescue him.

warnings: swearing, angst!

word count: 3.5k

a/n: here’s the Spotify playlist that goes with the series, and you can catch up here. would luv to thank @comedy-witch​ again for helping me out bc I was really bout to lose it on this chapter!!! hope yall enjoy :)

===

Steve wakes up with a jolt, gasping. The bright lights in the room make him jerk backwards and cover his eyes. He’s hungover, for sure, and the stark white of the room doesn’t help. He’s on the floor, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. He furrows his brows before it all comes back to him.

After you’d left, he heard the door open again. He thought maybe it was you and threw some sweatpants on, intending on telling you once again to get lost, despite his weak and crying state. But instead of you, he was met with tall men speaking Russian. Steve started to panic, instinct kicking in as he started to fight back. He punched and kicked but they were sloppy and weak. One hit him with the butt of their gun, and he blacked out.

Now he’s here, in a bright room, confused and in pain.

Steve’s confused because he isn’t tied down. He isn’t chained to a chair. He’s free to roam within this large room, equipped with only a table, two chairs, and an ashtray.  There are mirrors everywhere; he knows they’re two-way. His paranoia spikes upon the realization that he’s probably being watched, but he puts on a brave face and starts to shout over his headache.

“Hey, dickheads!”

He pounds on the glass with no response. He goes to the door and tries the handle in vain, then goes back to the glass. “I’m awake, assholes!”

The lack of a response, the lack of violence, makes his head spin. He’s painfully disoriented by every single thing happening – or, not happening. He’s not used to the lack of punches or chaos, and it makes him feel ill. He slips into one of the chairs at the table and puts his head in his hands, trying to breathe deeply. He remembers the process you taught him for when he feels panicked, and he goes through it – five things he can hear, four things he can see, three things he can smell – this one was difficult – two things he can feel, one thing he can taste. He does this as he takes in gulps of air, and he’s soon composed enough to be able to sit upright. Steve’s heart pangs painfully as he remembers your hands on his in his car that night. Back before all of this bullshit happened. Back before he fucked everything up.

The door bursts open and Steve jumps to his feet. Men in green uniforms file in with guns, and behind them comes Chief Edwards, still wearing his uniform from duty that day. Anger flares in Steve, twisting in him sharply. He flinches, fists clenched, but stays still. The men stand beside Edwards, who stares coolly at Steve, hands in his pockets. His back is straight as an arrow and he glares back at Steve.

“Take a seat,” Edwards says. Steve remains motionless, arms crossed. The men stride towards him and Steve flinches as they grab him, pulling him towards one of the chairs at the other end of the room. They throw him down and he winces, pain shooting through his head. Edwards makes a motion with his hands and the guards walk out, clicking the door shut behind them.

Edwards walks towards Steve, continuing their staring contest. He pulls a cigar out and lights it, taking a slow inhale, and exhaling with his eyes closed. He opens them back up and chuckles at Steve’s continued glare.

“You were right,” Edwards starts. He doesn’t take a seat, but paces. “It wasn’t a suicide.”

No shit, Steve thinks.

“You were right about the bar, too. And the napkin. Right about it all.” Edwards turns on his heel and looks at Steve. “Want me to tell you everything?”

Steve stares bitterly for a moment before nodding slowly. He wants to know what happened, what is happening – even if he probably won’t make it out alive, anyway. He wants to know why he isn’t tied up, or beaten, or bloody.

“Bartini was a front, like Starcourt. Signed off and supported by Kline, poor bastard… but built by the Soviets. Normal bar at the top, whole other world at the bottom. That’s where we are now, actually. Not too far down, but down far enough.”

Steve’s brows furrow as he mulls the statement over. Were they in a base like Starcourt had, miles underground? Were they only a bit underground?

“You might remember what happened in 1984. The tunnels built underground.”

Steve leans forward slightly, expecting more of an explanation. But when Edwards gestures around him, Steve gets it. They’re in the tunnels. It makes Steve’s stomach drop and knocks the air out of him, and he clenches the side of the table, making Edwards chuckle again.

“Amazing what can happen in two years, huh? All they had to do was find the farthest corner and build on it. Use the bar as a meeting place, a distraction, and bam!” Edwards claps his hands together and Steve jumps, terrified. He relaxes after a moment, but his jaw stays clenched tight.

“That man didn’t commit suicide. He stumbled into our meeting, too drunk for his own good.”

Steve becomes nauseous and he leans heavily into the table.

“It was easy to get him into a car. Drove to Brimborn and –“ he mimics shooting a gun and Steve shakes, a hand going up to his mouth. Edwards smiles at him. “Don’t worry kid – he didn’t feel a thing.”

Edwards flicks the ash from his cigar onto the floor and brings it up again, taking another long drag. “You weren’t very sly, you know. I know you sent Veronica into the evidence room to get that napkin.”

“Yeah, well, you weren’t so slick either,” Steve mumbles.

Edwards laughs. “He speaks!”

Steve shakes his head and rests it in his hands. His mind is spinning, and he takes some deep breaths to try to calm down. Edwards gives him some time, smoking as he waits. Finally, Steve lifts his head and looks at him. “Why?”

“Why not?”

It’s a simply answer, but one that makes Steve’s blood boil. “No, I want an answer, god dammit. Why did you do all of this? Why are you such an asshole?”

Edwards lifts his chin, looking at Steve in the eyes. “Because I can be. Don’t you remember what that was like?”

Steve feels like he’s been punched, and he recoils from the comment. “You don’t know me.”

“I trained you, didn’t I? Taught you everything you know. I’ve learned a lot about you, Steve. I learned that you’re only here because you’re trying to run away from who you were before. But you know what?” Edwards walks towards Steve, towering over him. “You’re still that same kid from years ago.”

“You don’t know me,” Steve repeats, louder this time. He feels his heart hammering in his chest and his fists clench again, eyes narrowing bitterly.

“And it’s a shame Y/N got involved with you,” Edwards continues. Steve’s breath hitches at the mention of you and his eyes shoot downward in guilt. “She had some real potential before you got her involved in all of this. She was my favorite, you know. I taught her everything. And she let me. But this morning – you wouldn’t believe it. She came in and accused me of having something to do with all this!”

Edwards slams his hand on the table and Steve jumps again before standing and shoving him away, anger and guilt raging in him. “Don’t get her involved in this.” He doesn’t fight Steve back, which infuriates him.

“I don’t think I did,” Edwards says smoothly, poking Steve in the chest with his finger. “I’m pretty sure you’re the one who involved her in this.”

Guilt floods through Steve and he staggers back, sitting again. “Did you hurt her?”

“Me? No. You though….” Edwards smiles sadly. “Should’ve seen her when she came in today. Looked like she hadn’t slept, hair was a mess. Came in defending you to the death… but you couldn’t do the same for her, huh?”

Steve pushes his tongue against the roof of his mouth to hold back the tears. He looks away again, unable to keep eye contact. His eyes train on the tile of the floor while Edwards continues.

“What happened last night, Harrington? Did you break another heart?”

Steve stays silent. The less he says, the better.

“Either way,” Edwards says after a moment. “I fired her. So hopefully she doesn’t come looking for you.”

“You fired her?”

Edwards smiles sadly. “Guess she has you to thank for that, too, huh?”

Steve is stunned into silence. This was probably worse than any physical torture they could have thrown on him. The inner turmoil reminds Steve of the lack of physical torture he's gotten so used to. He weakly asks, “Why aren’t you hurting me?”

“There are other ways to, kid,” Edwards says. He leans over and puts his Cigar out on the ashtray sitting on the table and straightens. “You’ll see soon enough.”

He turns on his heel to leave but Steve stands and grabs the back of his shirt. “What do you mean?”

“You’ll see,” Edwards says, shrugging out of Steve’s grip. “Soon enough.”

When Edwards leaves, the door clicks shut, and the lights go off. Steve is left in pitch black and silence, and he falls into a heap on the floor. Anger and guilt cut through him like knives, quick and sharp and painful. His head aches from more than the hangover. His thoughts race in his mind and he presses the heels of his palms into his eyes to hold back the tears.

He went through this entire investigation just to get kidnapped and probably killed. All that time and energy wasted. All the danger he put you in – for nothing. Steve’s not certain what Edwards meant by his statement, but he hopes it has nothing to do with you. He hopes you’re safe at home, eating ice cream and grieving the happiness he never gave you.

He hopes you’re not getting more involved.

===

“Ready?”

You nod at Robin, trying to steady your hands. You were scared shitless, literally going into this blind, hoping you don’t get shot down the moment you go inside. Luckily you had your gun under the seat and you grabbed it, keeping a firm grip on the handle. You’d never had to use it outside of training, but you weren’t opposed to using it tonight.

“Alright, one more time,” Dustin says. “Robin and I distract the guards –”

“They’re called bouncers.”

Dustin blinks. “Is that really what’s important right now?”

You frown and look away. “No.”

“Didn’t think so.” He clears his throat purposefully and starts again. “Robin and I distract the bouncers by causing a scene. We’re going to shout, throw rocks, whatever. When the bouncers run after us – assuming they do – you sneak in and find out what goes on in there.”

“And you two circle back to the car when you lose the bouncers and we’ll stay in touch,” you add, and they nod.

You’d parked the car about half a mile away from the bar, just to be safe. It was nerve wracking to walk that far to almost certain death, but the three of you had agreed that it was the safest option. Every step felt like a moment closer to the unknown, and the panic rises in your gut. It’s like the Yellow Brick Road to Hell. Dustin notices your nervousness and he loops his arm through yours, Robin repeating the motion on your other side. You smile sadly and laugh.

“At least Steve brought me new friends, if nothing else,” you say with a sniffle.

Robin squeezes your arm. “I’m glad dingus brought us together, too.”

“If Steve lives through this, I’m giving him hell,” Dustin says. “He’s such an idiot. I can’t believe he wouldn’t like someone as cool and as pretty as you.”

“Dustin?” you say weakly.

“Yeah?”

“Now’s not a good time.”

“Sorry.”

“Look,” Robin says, kicking some gravel. “I want to teach you some phrases that might help you down there.”

Your brows furrow. “You know Russian?”

“No time to explain. Listen. ‘No’ sounds like ‘nyet’. ‘Yes’ sounds like ‘da’.”

“Tell her how to say Silver Cat,” Dustin rushes. “That might help.”

“Silver cat?” you question.

“That was the name of their operation under Starcourt, like a secret code. It might help. It’s something like… serebryanyy kot? Am I saying that right?”

“I don’t know, I don’t remember.”

“How don’t you remember? You listened to that tape just as much as me.”

“Look, Robin, my goal wasn’t to learn, it was to –“

“Okay!” you interrupt. “Sabrini cox or whatever.”

“No, it’s like, serebryanyy kot –“

“Yeah, sure Rob, I got it.”

You see the neon lights of Bartini in the distance, and sigh heavily.

“If I don’t call back within half an hour, at any time, call Owens, and get the hell out of here.”

You can sense their apprehension. You stop walking and look at them both, hands on your hips. “I mean it. No sitting around and trying to be heroes. There’s no time for that, alright? If there are actually Russians here, we don’t have time to act like we are bigger than we are.”

“I assure you, we can manage,” Robin says, and Dustin nods beside her.

“You don’t even know half of what we’ve gone through,” Dustin adds. “You know, like, a quarter of it.”

“I still don’t want you playing heroes, okay?”

They both roll their eyes and continue walking. They start to pick up large rocks on the side of the road. Throwing rocks and shouting isn’t the best idea, but it’s all you can think of in a short period of time. Dustin promises he’s got good aim, and Robin agrees.

“It can be surprisingly simple with these guys,” Robin assures. “They’re morons.”

“Assuming they’re Russians,” you mumble, but you’re pretty positive that they are.

You all slip into the tree line as you get closer, hearts pounding and breath hitching. Robin and Dustin seem more relaxed than you; you assume that’s just what happens after a while of dealing with stuff like this.

“Ready?” Robin asks again. You squeeze the handle of your gun and nod. Robin and Dustin share a glance and a nod before taking off, sprinting silently to the other side of the road, closing in on the bar. They duck behind a car on the street and after a moment, Dustin jumps up, throwing a rock at the bouncers. It narrowly misses one and you want to look away, but you can’t. You watch as the bouncers stiffen, then turn towards the road. Robin jumps up this time and throws another rock, and the bouncers take off towards them. You slink back into the tree line more as Robin and Dustin sprint off in the other direction, bouncers on their tails.

“Jesus,” you whisper. “That was easy.”

You slink out from behind the trees and run towards the door, thankful that it’s unlocked. You take a deep breath and step in, gun raised. To your surprise, the room is empty, but it’s filled with cigarette smoke – people must have just left. You lower your weapon and look around for a moment, still stiff. The walls are painted crimson, and the floor is checkered in black and white. A few black couches line the room, and at the very back, there’s a door that blends in with the wall. Your breath hitches and you take a step towards it, but it suddenly opens, revealing a young man in a green uniform.

You both freeze, staring at each other in shock, and then you raise your gun at him. He lifts his hands in surrender, shaking slightly, and you realize he probably has some useful stuff on him.

“Your clothes!” you say, tugging on your shirt. You point to yourself. “Give them to me!”

He seems confused so you twitch your gun a bit. “Clothes!”

He shakes his head and you sigh, stepping towards him. “I’m sorry, man,” you say before pistol whipping him, sending him to the floor. You sigh again – poor bastard – but you quickly start to rummage through his belongings. You pull his uniform off and put it on. It’s a bit big, but it’ll do. You search the pockets and find two key cards. You keep one in your pocket and stare at the other one uncertainly before slipping it into the waistband of your underwear. You figure it’s probably smart to hide one in case you get caught. You grab his hat last and stride over to the door.

When opened, it’s not a door at all; it’s actually a large elevator with red padded walls. You step inside and shut the door behind you. You see a pad next to the buttons and swipe a card over it. It lights up green and you press the only floor button on the panel. The elevator lurches and it slowly starts heading down.

You grab your walkie talkie and hold it up. “This is Juliet, does anybody copy?”

“Goonies speaking, copy that,” you hear Mike say. “Don’t forget to say over when you’re done speaking. Over.”

You sigh heavily. “I know how to use a walkie talkie, Mike, I’m in the force. Over.”

“Good to hear, Juliet. What’s your 20? Over.”

“I’m inside and on an elevator. I think I’m going underground. I’ll keep you updated. Over.”

“Copy that.”

You turn it off and wait for the elevator to stop. You turn the handle and step out into a brightly lit hallway. You soon realize that wherever you are is like a maze, with multiple hallways branching out of one hub. You roll your shoulders back and move forward, not sure what else you could do except keep moving until something happens.

As you walk, you think about Steve. You’re actually kind of pissed that you’re about to break him out, assuming he’s here. You’ve done so much for him: threatened, gotten fired, wasted countless nights in a car staring at nothing, and now you’re breaking and entering to save his ass. The worst part is that you’re not expecting or even wanting an apology – you just want him safe. You want him out of wherever he is, and you want him out alive. You’re still fond of him despite everything, but what difference does it make?

You slip into closets and wait for people to pass before continuing. You’re running blind, each hallway or hub more confusing than the last. But you finally step into a hub that’s different from the others. The lights are much dimmer and it’s filled with many rooms that are locked from the outside. You know immediately it’s got to be interrogation rooms, and you figure it’s your best bet.

“Juliet to Goonies, do you copy?”

“Goonies copy, what’s going on? Over.”

“Dynamic Duo copies too, over,” you hear Dustin say, and you sigh, relieved at their safety.

“I think I found interrogation chambers. Going to check them for… Romeo. If I don’t radio back in fifteen, call Owens. Do you have the number? Over.”

“My mom has it. She’s at standby, but very confused and concerned, over,” Will says.

You sigh and close your eyes. “Tell Joyce what’s going on. Make sure she knows I’m here, and St- Romeo might be, too. I don’t want anyone coming in here, guns blazing, killing us. Do you copy? Over.”

“Copy that,” Will says, although he sounds fearful.

“The Dynamic Duo is ready for assistance when necessary! Over,” Dustin says.

“Thanks guys, I’ll keep you updated as I can. Remember if there’s no transmission in fifteen, call Owens. Copy?”

“Copy that,” Mike says.

“Godspeed,” Dustin and Robin say in unison.

You turn the walkie off again and start towards one door that was locked. You swipe the key card and open. Lights on, empty. Next one – lights on, empty. And the next one – lights on, empty. Each door you open twists your gut a little tighter, and you find it hard to keep looking. The fourth door you try opens and it’s pitch black inside. Brows furrowed, you take a step in, and you’re immediately ambushed. Someone swipes your feet out from under you and tackles you, trying to pin your hands beside you. You kick and twist, but the person is way stronger than you, pinning your legs down as they lay on you.

“Get off!” you shout, and your attacker immediately does so, which gives you whiplash. You sit up and a hand reaches out, running down your face, making you wince.

“Y/N?!” they gasp.

Your heart stops. “Steve?!”

===

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