#which majorly hurt my brain

[hzdtrees]

Afloat

[angel---eater]

weird ranting about fandom is done now lol i just care a lot abt jake as a queer character. hes mentally ill and traumatized and has brain damage and is most definitely also neurodivergent bc lets face it all HS characters are some kinda ND, and he makes terrible decisions and burries his head in the sand for months instead of talking to his own boyfriend bc intimacy is simply too new and overwhelming and hes GREAT. i wouldnt have this fucker any other way

[imaginmatrix]

Lol h*rry p*tter Twitter is mad at me for saying percy jackson would hate the guy immediately on account of him being a cop (without even knowing he’s a slave owner) and it’s very very funny

especially since a bunch of them are accusing me of never reading the h*p books like babes I read that series like 20 times before finding out joanne koanne roanne was Like That™

[hotchnerxo]

Make a difference

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x single mom!reader Words: 1.8k Summary: You're feeling insignificant and overwhelmed. Aaron's making sure you never forget your worth. Warnings: Anxiety and some intrusive thoughts. Nothing major, a bit of hurt/comfort and fluff A/N: This can be read separately, but also if you're familiar with my 'The chances you take' fic, this is set between chapters 13 and 14. This is dedicated to everyone who’s been having a hard time lately and days are a struggle. I am very proud of you <3

Join my taglist here

~~~

You watch steam rise from the coffee you’re pouring into your thermos. It’s probably your sixth cup of today, but you fill it anyway. Once satisfied with the amount, you screw back on the purple lid and grasp the mug in your hands. Its warmth is grounding and you admire the watercolor lavenders on its surface. But despite all that, your mind has wandered far off. 

You’ve been a part of the team for quite some time now and you couldn’t be happier with the way they have welcomed you into their family. You’re thankful for every single one of them and you wouldn’t wish to be anywhere else. 

But still, this moment feels off. It’s overwhelming and tiring; it’s confusing. All of the sudden there’s a harsh voice in your head screaming that you don’t belong. That no one would notice if you just walked away from this. You’re not sure whose voice it is in your mind, but it is eerie. Thoughts like this have been with you for a long time, but whenever things get overwhelming, your self doubt gets stronger. 

You’ve come to lean on the kitchenette counter, nursing your warm coffee between your hands. The bullpen is loud, but blurring in your mind. There’s no conversation to follow, just a lot of sounds coming from all around; chatter, typing, rustling paper and so on. But the racing of your thoughts keeps you too busy from paying attention to things around you. You couldn’t even hear the footsteps coming closer to you. 

“Left some for me?” he asks, but gets no reaction from you. Few seconds later you hear your name being called which distracts your mental spiral. 

“Huh?” you hear yourself asking instinctively. How long had Hotchner been standing next to you? You have no idea, but when you turn to look at him, he already has concern written all over him. Apparently he’s been there long enough. 

“Left any coffee for me?” he repeats his question, giving you another moment to get your thoughts together. Your attention moves towards the pot of coffee, just to see there’s only a drop left in it. 

The thoughts of self blame start to raise their head again. There is sort of an unspoken rule in the office: whoever takes the last cup of coffee, needs to make a new one. That way there’s always something for the next person coming in. You’ve just now broken that rule and the guilt of it is strong. Way stronger than what it should be. It’s such a minor thing, but it feels more like you’ve majorly screwed up and should be fired on the spot. 

“Sorry! I’ll make a new pot, it will be just a few minutes” you apologize quickly, interrupting your brain from catastrophizing the situation. 

“It’s alright. I think I’ll be fine” he reassures with a gentle smile. Your tone must have been more panicky than you thought as he does his best to diffuse your anxiety so quickly. “Here, let me help you” he says softly and goes to grab a filter and the coffee grounds before you get to them. You thank him quietly as you fill the machine with more water. You watch him measure the grounds and within a few seconds, your mistake no longer exists.

Your cup is back in your hands and your eyes follow the man as he puts the ingredients back into the cabinets. You lean to the table, leaving the rest of the office behind you. At some point during the day, he’s taken his suit off and rolled the sleeves of his light blue shirt. The stripes on the shirt are barely noticeable from afar, but you enjoy the small detail. 

“You’ve seemed really distracted today” his warm voice brings you back to the present moment. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks before you get to reassure him that you’re fine. He looks sincere and with your time at the bureau, you’ve learned how easy he is to talk to. And ever after the christmas party at Rossi’s a week ago, you’ve craved for his company. 

“It’s nothing” you sigh and you both know that isn’t true. But he doesn’t argue with you. Instead, he falls quiet and waits. He waits for you to find the right words to sum up the storm in your mind. “At times I just feel~” you pause, turning your eyes down to your hands. “~I don't know, insignificant”. You can feel his eyes burning on your skin, but you’re too afraid to look back up. 

He wants to say something, but he closes his mouth before any words come out. He can tell there’s still something else that you haven’t been able to word yet. 

“I just don’t feel like I make a difference” you continue. Few seconds go by until you gain courage to look back up towards him. It was his turn to fall deep into his thoughts, trying to find something meaningful to say. You see him fidget with his left hand fingers, which you’ve learned he does when he’s nervous or carefully thinking something through. 

“You know” he begins after a moment of consideration. His gaze lifts up again and only the way he looks at you makes all of the self doubt fade away. He doesn’t need words, his presence alone is all you need to calm down, but he continues nevertheless “when Ella was over for a sleepover with Jack, she asked me what my favorite color is”. You’re not really sure how that connects to the subject at hand, but you’re curious. “but before I could answer, she really wanted to guess. After some time of thinking, her whole face lit up and says purple. She was so sure about it and there was no way I could deny that”.

“Why are you telling me this?” you ask and take a sip of your coffee for the first time 

There it is again; the small smile that you’re sure lights up your whole day. You love the way his whole stoic exterior melts away: his brow softens and a warm sparkle appears in his eyes again. And when he smiles, you can see dimples forming on his cheeks. 

“I’m telling you this because after that, everytime I see the color purple anywhere, it makes me smile. And it makes me think of how proud and happy she was” his tone is so soft and sweet it almost makes you tear up after all the anxiety “What I’m trying to say is, that no one is insignificant. Everyone makes a difference, even with such little things that we ourselves aren’t even able to tell”. 

Both of you fall quiet for a moment. It’s as if your eyes are so drawn to each other and you both forget everything else around you. 

His voice lowers down to a whisper as he continues “I could list a million things you’ve done that have permanently changed my life. How a joke you told three weeks ago still makes me smile whenever I think about it. Or the way you sing your favorite songs when they play in the radio while driving you home” the affection is so thick in his voice, it’s almost hard to believe. The way he speaks makes something click inside of you, like pieces of a puzzle finally falling into place when just moments ago it all seemed a mess and meaningless. “and trust me, the meaning you have in so many people’s lives goes way beyond words. Think of the way Ella looks in the mirror every morning, feeling like a princess because her mother complimented her. Or your dad being grateful you brought in the mail on your way to your parents’, just so he doesn’t have to walk all the way to the end of the driveway when his knee is acting up again. Or a victim in a case, who you helped calm down from a panic attack”.

He lists a few more things and you feel heat rising to your cheeks. You didn’t realize that the people around you actually notice these things. You didn’t think they’d hold such importance to anyone. 

“What I’m trying to say” he adds almost shyly after having rambled on for way longer he intended to “your impact is everywhere. Just like fingerprints. Your importance can’t be wiped away clean from all the kindness you’ve shared in your life”.

It’s not often you’re left speechless. But you no longer can find words to match your gratitude. If you were anywhere but the office, you’d hug him. As you’re about to open your mouth to thank him, you hear steps coming closer to the kitchenette breaking the moment between the two of you.

“Does the line start here?” Rossi asks from beside you “For the coffee?” he clarifies as both of you give him puzzled looks. Your conversation had made both of you forget where you are and for how long. Coffee no longer was a priority, and you hadn’t even noticed it being done.

Aaron clears his throat and goes to grab a new dark blue mug from the shelf “Yeah, one moment” he says and fills his own cup before offering to fill up the one in Rossi’s hand. 

“Did the M.E. reports from the Seattle case come in yet?” Rossi asks, forcing the unit chief to turn his attention back to his duties. 

“Yes, it’s on my desk. I’ll be right there” Hotchner’s tone is back to his normal at-the-office voice and you can tell he’s forced to get his focus back on his to-do list, no matter how he wants to stay in the moment with you as long as possible. David nods and leads the way. Aaron follows his friend a few steps behind but stops once he’s by your side. 

His hand raises to your arm, landing on it softly just for a few seconds. His thumb rubs soft circles on the fabric of your sleeve and his eyes fall to find yours. There are a million things he wants to tell you, an apology for the interruption being the strongest one. He wants to tell you that his door is always open for you and he’s only ever a text or a phone call away. He wishes to tell you just how much you mean to him and to everyone else around you. 

But instead of saying a word, he smiles at you softly. As he turns to leave and continue his workday, his hand lingers on your arm for as long as he’s able to. He goes to follow Rossi to his office but you swear you can still feel his touch on your skin and it makes every last bit of your anxiety melt away.

You wish he knows just how much he’s changed your life for the better, just by being himself.

@ssahotchsbitch @mayasreadingnook @rousethemouse @averyhotchner @ssamorganhotchner @kajjaka @reidsbookmark @thenewnormalforensicator @wheelsupkels @thedancingnerdmermaid @agirlinherhead @tonystarkscumslut @itsmytimetoodream @marvel-marauders @mintphoenix @whoreslovehotch @mrslizzyolsen @louderfortheback @newlydevouthotchgirl @pandorasdreamings @anlin2058 @alexxavicry

[lunaticmeap]

Every other day I remember that the Untamed version of the Jingshi which LWJ stays at into is also the very place which his mother was locked away in and it hurts me body and soul to think about whether it is intentional that LWJ was given the place and chose to live there, or that he was assigned that place in general.

Cuz the thought of LWJ being assigned that place out of some Lan clan tradition that somehow for some reason, second borns of the main family are given the Jingshi as their home, is majorly fucked up that LWJ gets offered that house.

That physical distance which separates his home from the main buildings of foreshadows his future where he stands against the ways of his own clan to save and love WWX who is the very essence of un-Lan-like.

LWJ lives in the very place which trapped his mother's entire existence. in some ways it reflects how trapped he is by his own name; it encapsulates how he has lived in his youth with WWX still alive the 1st time, bound by societal rules, by duties to his clan and to his inability to be anything but the very perfect Lan head disciple that he is.

But also because of CHARACTER GROWTH, the Jingshi becomes if not one of the most iconic scenes in the Untamed (i.e. the talk with the snow outside lives rent free in my brain). The Jingshi is the place of isolation he grew with over the 13/16 years of WWX's death. So that by the time that he finds WWX again, he knows how to make it a place of shelter where they can be their most vulnerable (re: WWX sleeping there, LWJ with his hair down in the Jingshi with WWX by his side, hnnng iconicTM). it's just *chef's kiss* messed up but also *chef's kiss* beautiful.

[tojiluv]

EYES DON’T LIE — choso kamo [chapter four]

description: in which a girl unwittingly becomes involved with a handsome stranger in a club, oblivious to his true identity of being in a famous boyband… OR in which you and Choso must conceal your secret meetings from your friends and his bandmates, especially from his younger brother and your best friend, Yuji.

warnings: minor sexual content. mdi 16+. swearing.

notes: posted a day early since i’m studying for exams.

In the depths of Tokyo's vibrant nightlife, Choso's eyes widened in astonishment, the air thick with anticipation. Standing before him were two individuals: his brother, Yuji, and an enigmatic woman from an unforgettable night at a club. The realization dawned upon him, and a palpable tension filled the room, leaving one oblivious to the awkward pause that hung in the air.

Caught in a surreal moment of recognition, you couldn't help but feel a sense of disbelief as you grasped the truth – the alluring stranger who had captivated you at the club was none other than Yuji's brother.

His older brother.

Finally, Choso cleared his throat, extending his clammy hands to yours, his gaze shifting from the side then to you.

"It's nice to meet you, Yuji always talked about you during the tour."

I'm going to faint, you thought.

You didn't know how to process any of this; everything was moving so quickly for your liking that you didn't even realize that you shook his hand back automatically, familiar cold hands enveloping your warmed ones, just like that night.

His hand gripped the straps of your dress, the flimsy material falling down your shoulders sensually as you let out a small moan, his lips grazing your pulsing neck. You slid one hand into his untied hair, gripping the long strands tightly as you heard him grunt against the pleasurable pain.

You held a tight-lipped smile, returning the gesture by introducing yourself to the older man. Your thoughts scattered about the situation and the memories that kept forming from that specific night.

"I heard a lot about yourself, your band is pretty great," you spoke out, not even knowing if your voice was steady enough to control your breathing. Choso rubbed a hand behind his neck, shyly glancing away from your form as he mumbled a thank you for your compliment.

Am I even sure this is the same man from that night? You were overthinking so much that your brain was going to explode any minute. His confidence right now was majorly different from the one on that night.

I swear he said his name was Kai... was that a fake name?! you exclaimed inwardly.

He placed his arms around your waist, pulling you closer as you kissed each other deeply. He sat down on your bed, your legs wrapped around his waist with your dress continuing to slip down past your exposed chest, goosebumps rising against your warmed skin.

Yuji beamed from the side, witnessing the whole interaction without noticing anything wrong, "Isn't this great? Two of the most important people in my life are finally meeting!"

You and Choso held crooked smiles, eyes not even meeting at all, as this wasn't exactly the first time you'd met; hell, you wouldn't even count your first interaction as acquaintances.

It was way past that.

"Honestly, I didn't know how this would go, but I think you guys match each other pretty well," your best friend stated, chuckling a bit. You both forcefully joined in as well to keep the conversation going. Little did he know how that statement was more than the truth.

"I don't think you'll be able to handle me," you teased, giggling as you slid your hands down his naked upper half. The alcohol was making you more confident than you already were, just tipsy enough to have a good time.

He then grabbed your jaw, squishing your cheeks together as your mouth parted. Staring into your eyes, he slid his hand down to wrap it around your neck tightly, but not enough to hurt you, while the other gripped your waist to hoist you higher against his chest.

"Wanna bet on that, pretty girl? Cause I don't think you've realized the many ways I can..."

You shuddered from the memories, already feeling your cheeks become warmer than before as you glanced at your mysterious man. How do you even move forward from this? The main thing that you were concerned about was making sure that nobody, especially Yuji, would ever find out about that night.

Fuck, why me?

Luckily Nobara and Maki didn't see Choso fully in the light that night but if they did, they would have informed you of who he was immediately before anything could've had. But nope, the world was against you and placed you in one of the most awkward moments of your life.

"Are you feeling alright?" your best friend asks, eyes holding concern as he looks over your well-being. You were sweating a bit, cheeks flared as the room suddenly felt too hot for you to even breathe properly.

Fanning yourself, you held an uneasy smile. "I'm good, just needs some air. Uh, where's the restroom?" You asked, trying to avoid any contact with the so-called Kai or whatever he wanted to call himself, in front of you.

Yuji pointed towards the directions leading to the second floor of the home, "Maybe it's the alcohol, I'll grab you some water! Just try to relax up there, okay?"

Your best friend, so sweet and kind-hearted, unaware of what has happened between you and his brother.

Not even sparing a glance at him, you pushed your way through the crowd to rush up the grand staircase by following Yuji's direction. The first door you rushed in was a big mistake as a couple was making out in a bedroom and yelled at the interruption.

"Uh, continue, sorry!" you squeaked, shielding your eyes of the scene.

Closing the door quickly, you pushed your feet to the end of the hall, the blasting music sounding less vibrant as you knocked on the door before entering as nobody had answered. You found yourself probably in another guest bedroom (how many rooms are there?), which did have a connected washroom. You took advantage of it and began to pat down your face from all the prompting sweating.

"What the hell do I do... the one time I decide to be bold, of course, the consequences come right back to bite me in the ass!" you grumbled lowly, drying your hands on a towel. The situation was messed up for you and your friendship with Yuji, not knowing what solution to make.

You couldn't believe it, that handsome stranger who had you wrapped around his finger that night was Yuji's older brother. How ironic is this? If only you knew how he truly looked like and maybe got to know him more to slip about any family-related stuff, you probably would've had the chance to recognize the man.

But nope, the world was out to get you. Yuji made it clear that if anyone thought about his brother like that, let alone hooking up with the guy, would betray him. You practically did all the above with the man, god, how stupid were you?

Sighing, you kept looking into the mirror as you thought over your options on what to do with this, but it seemed like pretending it never happened was the only way out. Suddenly, you heard the bedroom door open as the music became more prominent, and then it was closed, meaning someone probably entered the room.

"Uh, someone's already here!" You shouted from the opened bathroom door, truly just wanting to be alone for the time being. There was no response, causing you to roll your eyes as you moved to leave the bathroom to confront the person.

"Sorry, but I'm using —"

You stopped your words, feet halting as you stood in front of him once again during the night, but now alone.

"Yeah, sorry, I knew you were here, but I just wanted to check if you were good," Choso mumbled, barely making eye contact with you as he fiddled with the ends of his jacket nervously.

"I'm good... thanks for checking," you mumbled, crossing your arms to comfort yourself. He nodded, glancing around the room before laying his eyes back on your figure.

"Well, that's good. I'll, uh, let Yuji know then.”

Is he seriously ignoring this?!

You were annoyed, more importantly at him, abruptly stopping him from leaving. "Are we seriously not going to talk about it?" you huffed, glaring.

Choso hesitated, his eyes avoiding yours as he shifted uncomfortably in the room. The air hung heavy with unspoken tension, and you could sense his internal struggle. Finally, he let out a deep sigh, meeting your gaze with a conflicted expression.

"I... I don't know what to say," he admitted, running a hand through his disheveled hair. "This is just as unexpected for me as it is for you."

You rolled your eyes, frustration bubbling beneath the surface. "Well, it happened, and we can't just pretend it didn't. What do we do now?"

Choso sighed again, this time more resigned. "Look, I didn't expect to see you again after that night, especially not like this."

"Neither did I," you muttered, crossing your arms tighter.

He took a step closer, his eyes searching yours for some sign of understanding. "It's not that I didn't want to see you again. It's just... complicated. Yuji and I have our differences, and I didn't want to bring you into our family drama."

You scoffed, "Family drama? Is that what you call it? You seduce someone at a club, and it's just a family drama for you?"

Choso winced at your words, frustration flashing across his face. "It's not that simple. Look, I know what we did that night, but I never expected to run into you like this."

"Did you know?"

He tilted his head, not understanding your question.

"Did you know that it was ... me? His best friend?" you asked, eyes vulnerable. You analyzed his face to see if he would admit truthfully that he recognized you at the club.

Choso's eyes widened, shaking his head. "No, no. I wouldn't have if I knew, though your name did sound familiar, but I was a bit buzzed and didn't think much of it. Well, little did I know that it was more than familiar –"

"Then how come you gave me a fake name? Remember, Kai?" You seethed out, interrupting.

"Listen, I usually use a fake name when I'm in public with friends so people don't recognize us. I didn't think much of it at the moment," He defended, shrugging his shoulders but holding a regrettable look on his face. You scoffed, though you did understand his reasoning in a way, you were still annoyed by it.

You felt his eyes gaze up and down your figure, his stare was causing heat to rise in your face. You could see his eyes hold a certain emotion you were familiar with.

"You're wearing the dress," Choso stated, shifting his stance as he took another look before glancing into your eyes. You looked down at your outfit, suddenly realizing why you wore it and specifically, how it led up to wearing it.

"Yeah, um, thought it would give me some luck tonight..." You mumbled.

"Luck?" He questioned until registering what you meant, "Oh... oh," Choso let out a choked cough, not noticing the tinge of red covering his ears.

You kissed your teeth, "Yeah... kinda the opposite right now," you murmured the last part.

A heavy silence settled between you two, the gravity of the situation sinking in. You were torn between anger, confusion, and a lingering attraction that you wished you could shake off.

"So, what now?" you finally asked, breaking the silence.

Choso sighed once more, his gaze dropping to the floor. "I, uh, don't know. We can't change the past, but maybe we can find a way to navigate the present."

You nodded, skeptical but willing to see where this would lead. "I guess we just move on from it, pretend it never happened for the sake of Yuji, right?"

You expected him to agree immediately, yet you didn't receive a response, rather hesitation. His brows furrowed as he glared at the floor, contemplating the decision.

Eyeing him, you repeated, "Do you agree?"

Choso snapped out of his daze before nodding, "I guess we should... for Yuji."

Even though this may be the best decision, deep down, it doesn't feel like it's the right one, you thought. A feeling rushed through you as you both agreed on this choice, but the feeling wasn't pleasant, rather dejected.

That night with Choso was the most passionate and sensual night you ever had from a one-night stand. You had some boyfriends and hook-ups a couple of times during the past few years, yet none of them came close to how Choso made you feel at that moment. He made you feel special, wanted, and very sexy from the way he spoke those dirty words into your ear to the movements of his hips against yours in a rough, but vigorous way, that you became addicted to.

"Well then, I guess I'll... see you around," you mumbled, fidgeting awkwardly on your heels as tension hung in the air.

He cleared his throat, nodding. "Uh, yeah, enjoy the party."

You watched him take a step to leave, but he halted suddenly. Tilting your head, confusion washed over you as he seemed conflicted as if grappling with whether to say something more. After a brief internal struggle, he turned back to face you, a newfound confidence replacing the earlier shy and closed-off demeanor. It caught you off guard, considering his reserved composure throughout the night.

"Even if we're pretending it never happened for Yuji, I don't believe it was a mistake," His unexpected confession had you stunned.

"I didn't regret that night at all and still don't."

With that, Choso left the room, leaving you alone with your thoughts. As the door closed behind him, you released a breath you hadn't realized you were holding, feeling your heart racing. His admission had changed everything, casting a shadow over your decision to move on.

You, too, didn't regret that night. If given the chance, you would have relived those moments in this bedroom. However, you held back; after all, he was Yuji's older brother. You couldn't betray your best friend in such a way, well, not again at least. Now, you wondered if the two of you could carry on as if nothing happened, concealing the truth, especially after Choso's unexpected declaration and your silent agreement.

The night had taken an unforeseen turn, and the consequences were unraveling right in front of your eyes.

⇽ chapter three | chapter five ⇾

© 𝐭𝐨𝐣𝐢𝐥𝐮𝐯 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟒

[random0lover]

Hello !! Am I allowed to request for maybe all of 141 (If possible with your schedule !! I undestand if its not !!) or just Price and Ghost (separate) with a reader whos a military kid so theyre kinda just used to them going away for long periods of time with deployment. Bonus points if they werent aware of reader being a military kid till they break down and confess as to how abandoned and angry they feel when they leave :,)) Fluffy Hurt/Comfort thats SFW, please :)) Thank you ^^

TF141 x Gn!Reader That Was a Military Kid

Pairings: John Price x gn!reader & Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley x gn!reader

Word Count: 3.7k

Warnings: Angst with Comfort, SFW, reader is mean, talk of parental death, crying, reader is called: sweetheart, love, dove. Hints at depression, John and Simon are both big softies for reader, established relationships. That should be it! Let me know if I missed any <3

Things to know: Some hc’s with mini fic parts. Should be Gn!reader as I tried to avoid talking about readers body or anything that could indicate anything other than gn!reader! Also POC friendly! If you notice anything that makes you feel otherwise please let me know! I never want anyone to feel excluded with/in my work ♡, Also a warning to anyone that decides to follow me- if you do not have your age in your bio or a pinned post I will block you… just a fair warning.

Notes: Thank you for requesting this anon! I loved the idea so much so I hope this does your request justice! I kinda went a little soft with the Price one because for some reason I can’t stand the thought of reader being mean to that sweet man (if you want though send me another request and I can write one that’s more angst filled 😊) although I did bring out the reader being angry in Simons. Another thing, I wrote this for Simon and not ghost but if you want I can write another one that has reader dealing with Ghost but be warned it will be angsty with lots of hurt from both parties! Sorry if the editing is bad I did try though lol and there will be more parts to this!

Tags: @homicidal-slvt (promised I’d tag you so here we are)

Price & Simon (You’re here!), Soap & Gaz, Alejandro, Rudy & König

(I will add the links as I post each part!)

John Price

-I feel like he may have wondered if you were a military kid since you didn’t seem to be phased by him having to leave so often

-There were other things that also made him wonder, like how you always made your bed in the mornings, how schedules were majorly important to you to the point that if you knew you were going to be late, you'd get majorly upset, and how you also seemed to understand military lingo up to a certain point. He never asked though since you didn’t talk about your childhood much so he just figured that if you wanted to tell him that you would -But he started to notice that lately, you started to seem off when you found out he would have to be deployed soon.

~~

John had been awake since the early hours of the morning. He couldn't seem to get much sleep in the few days before his next deployment. He had left the warmth of your shared bed before even the morning birds could be heard outside, hoping not to wake you with his restlessness, but little did he know that you hadn't slept at all.

By the time you stumbled out of bed with bags under your eyes and your mind feeling exhausted from the lack of sleep and your own brain tearing itself apart, it was well past 10 a.m., which wasn’t the most unusual for you, but on the day before John would be deploying it was a little odd since usually you were up trying to help him get his stuff together and would make a huge breakfast since you both weren’t sure how long it would be until he would get to enjoy a home-cooked meal again.

You had hoped to get to the kitchen and make yourself a cup of coffee before seeing John, but he was standing at the fridge, putting groceries away from multiple brown paper bags.

You made your way to the coffee pot that seemed to have a fresh pot being made and got a cup from the cabinet before he started to talk, “I noticed we were getting low on some things so I thought I’d save you a trip to—,” he pauses, causing you to turn to face him, “Sweetheart?”

You were pressing your hands into your eyes, trying to relieve the aching pressure that was remaining consistent behind them, when he made his way across the kitchen and gently cupped your cheeks, “Are you feeling alright, love?”

You didn’t mean to do it, but you flinched away from his hands, taking a few steps back so that there was some distance between you both. You could see the hurt in his eyes before they were overcome with confusion and you hated that he was looking at you as if you were a skittish kitten that would run at the smallest movement.

He reaches an arm out slowly, as if to not startle you.

“Love, what’s wrong?”

You shake your head, pulling your arms tight around you, and try to focus on keeping your breathing calm, like your parents taught you when you were little.

He takes a small step forward so that his fingers are almost grazing your arm but stops when sees you curling in on yourself, “Sweetheart, something is obviously wrong. You're crying, and your body is shaking.”

“Hey,” you finally look up into his eyes, “you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong, but at least let me help you.”

Your heart breaks from the pain you can see in his eyes. In all the time you've been together, you’ve never pulled away from him like this. Usually, you were the one open about your emotions and what you were feeling while having to coax John into telling you what was going on in his mind, “Please, darling.”

You let yourself fall into his open arms at that point, sobbing into his neck. He presses you against his chest, gently speaking into your ear, assuring you that everything is fine, that he is here for you, and that he will always be there.

You mumble into his neck, causing him to gently pull you back so that he can hear you: “What was that, sweetheart?”

You try to concentrate on the sensation of his calm heartbeat against your chest before finally saying, "My parents promised me the same thing."

He pulls away, puzzled, and you notice him looking at you in the corner of your eye, so you burrow your face into his chest and say, "They were both military. They died when I was 14," you finish, taking a deep breath. “They were deployed together when it happened… They said that it was an accident, that my mom got stuck on a timed land mine, and my dad wouldn’t leave her no matter what.”

"Oh, love." You feel his body tense before relaxing.

He gently grips the back of your neck and pulls you back so that you're looking into his eyes; the softness in them is almost enough to send you running as far as possible so that you never have to feel the type of pain that you did the day that you found out your parents died.

“Love, I'm not going anywhere,” you go to speak but he shushes you, “You are my world, the person I’m fighting for.”

He brings his hand under your chin so that he is gripping it gently and says, “You are the reason I’m still alive. The reason why I feel like life is still worth living and fighting for.”

He tips his head down so that his lips are grazing yours, “I’ll always come home, love.”

You push forward so that your lips are fully pressing against his, then he pulls back, “Why don’t we go take a bath, get you feeling better?”

~~~~

The next morning you wake frantically looking around, hoping that he didn’t leave without saying goodbye, when he walks in carrying a tray of food, “John? I thought you had to leave this morning.”

He smiles gently, his eyes lighting up, “Called Kate, they don’t actually need me for another week, and I figured my love needs me a little bit more than my job at the moment.” He sets the tray down on the bed, and you jump into his arms with a happy squeal, “I love you, John.”

"I love you too, sweetheart," he says as he gently kisses you.

~

Simon ‘Ghost’ Riley

-So we all know Simon is amazing at reading people, but I don’t think he would know that you were a military kid. He could see all the signs that you may have had a difficult childhood, but he personally knows what it’s like to have a childhood you don’t want to talk about, so he never has and never will question you about your past. -Pasts are a hard topic for Simon in the first place, so I could honestly see him being a bit grateful that you didn’t share the bad parts of your childhood, meaning that he also didn’t have to share his. It was almost a silent agreement between you both to not talk about the negative parts of things unless one of you came to the other wanting to talk about it.

~~~~

Back to him being great at reading people: He could tell that over the past few days, your body language had been changing, becoming more standoffish. Not being as open to cuddling and kisses, not even wanting him to walk up behind you and wrap his arms around you, which you usually loved.

He figured that maybe you were just having a few rough days, which was normal for anyone; hell, he knew he had them quite often, and you were always there for him no matter how bad they got, so he wanted to do the same for you.

Today had been the worst day of all, though. You were almost refusing to talk to him completely unless it was one-word answers, which he was able to roll with pretty easily. You would move rooms almost every time he would come in, not even saying anything, just picking up your things and going.

This made him decide on leaving you alone for the most part, other than when he would bring you a fresh cup of tea or was just checking in on you. So he decided on cleaning up the house a little bit, he was going to be deploying again in a week and he wanted to help however he could, knowing that it was a rough transition from having him around to it being an empty house again.

He had just finished cleaning the dishes when he looked at the time and decided on ordering out for dinner, which would hopefully raise your mood a bit and it would also be an easy enough mess to clean up. He found you in the living room watching a movie on Netflix with a blanket wrapped tightly around you and stood in the doorway for a moment just admiring you when you paused it.

When you snap at him, "What do you want, Simon?" Your eyes aren't even on him but on your phone, which is on your lap.

He feels his eye twitch but he keeps himself calm and makes sure that it shows in his tone that your attitude is leaving him unaffected, “I was just goin’ to ask what you wanted for takeout, love.”

You huff and try to pull yourself up from the couch while also trying to unwrap the blanket from around you, almost falling, but Simon rushes forward and straightens you up, but you quickly pull away.

You look at him with fury in your eyes, “Can't you just leave me the hell alone?” Your voice is rising slightly, and your face is flushed with rage. “It’s what you constantly do anyway!”

You can see Simon's eyes widen, but you don't care; the words are just spilling out of your mouth before you can stop them, "You're never actually here when I need you, but when you are, you can't take the fucking hint of when I just want you to leave me alone!"

"Sometimes Simon," you pause, feeling the tears flood into your vision, making the floor blurry, "I wonder why I even stay when you are just going to end up hurting me exactly like he did," you whisper, staring hard at the ground, your chest puffing in and out quickly, trying to pull in air after your large outburst.

The words come out in a whisper, the room becoming so silent that you can almost hear the gears in his head turning, wondering who the hell you were talking about.

You hear him take a step forward on the wood flooring, his voice incredibly soft, “Dove.”

You look up through the tears and see his hands reaching out for you, and for the first time in all the time you two have been together, Simon Riley almost looks scared—not scared of you but as if his world was coming apart.

When his hand gently touches your arm, it pulls you out of your stupor, making you pull away, frantically shaking your head, “Don’t touch me.”

The words come out shaky and broken, but they make him freeze nonetheless, and you can see in his eyes that he’s trying to pull himself together, trying to figure out what he's supposed to do in a situation like this.

He takes a small step back, his gaze fixed on yours, and he holds his hands out in front of him, as if to demonstrate that he is not a threat. "Okay, I won't touch you." He comes to a halt, seeing the fear in your eyes, the look of a frightened animal ready to flee at any moment. "It's okay, love, everything's fine-"

He doesn't even finish his sentence before you're flying down the hallway, grabbing your bag from the hooks by the front door and bolting out the door, slamming it loudly behind you, leaving him standing halfway down the hallway, his mouth slack-jawed, unsure of what the hell just happened.

~~~

After nearly ten minutes of fast walking, you finally slowed down and stopped in the nearest store to clean your face of tear marks and, hopefully, make yourself look presentable. You sent a quick text to Simon, letting him know that you were safe and that you didn't know when you'd be back. You left your phone on long enough to see him read the message and the text bubble pop up before you shut the phone completely off and tucked it into the bottom of your bag.

You spent the next two hours wandering aimlessly, wondering if you'd just ruined your relationship with the only man you'll ever love, when you came across the small Italian restaurant where Simon had taken you on your first date. You remember the way you tried to pay for your half of the dinner, but he quickly slipped his card to the waitress before you could even argue, saying something about how if you decided not to go on a second date with him, you deserved to at least get a free meal from it, and you teased him by asking him if there was a reason you shouldn't want to go on another date with him.

The memories make your stomach queasy, making you want to kick yourself in the back for being so stupid, but you walk in and order your and Simon's favorite dishes and try to keep the food as warm as possible on your walk back to your shared home. One side of you hopes you’ll find him there, not an empty house, and the other side wants to avoid this conversation for as long as possible.

You walk up the steps, and most of the house seems to be dark except for the living room, where a single light is on. You unlock the door and try as quietly as possible to slip your shoes off while also trying not to drop the food.

You make your way towards the living room to find Simon sitting on the couch, his elbows on his knees, and his face buried in his hands. You look over to the coffee table and see bags with your favorite restaurant's logo tied off, trying to keep the heat in the bags, making your heart ache with the fact that he still thought of you after you treated him like complete trash.

He was the first man ever to treat you with so much love. Even while he was deployed, he was making efforts to show you that he cared, like scheduling a delivery of your favorite flowers to show up on your day off with a little note, paying for over a month's worth of your order at your favorite coffee shop, and bringing back little trinkets from the places he was deployed too.

You knew him being deployed wasn’t his fault; it was part of his job. You knew he wasn't your dad and that it wasn't Simon’s fault that the man who was supposed to love you treated you as if you weren't even his child but rather just another one of his soldiers.

It wasn’t his fault that your dad wouldn't be home for months on end; it wasn’t his fault that the last time you ever saw your dad, you told him you hated him for never being home; it wasn't his fault that the day your dad was supposed to come home from a four-month deployment, instead of hearing him come home, there were four hard knocks on the door; it wasn't his fault that two soldiers were standing at the door; it wasn’t his fault that they were holding a folded-up flag with your dad’s military dog tags on them.

It. Wasn’t. His. Fault.

Yet you treated him as if it were. You didn't know which was worse, the fact that he didn't already know about what happened to your dad or the fact that you wished he did so that he could have a reason to hate you for lashing out.

You step into the room, setting the food you got by the food he ordered. “Simon?”

He doesn’t move for a second, then he looks up at you, and you feel your heart shatter for the umpteenth time tonight. “Oh, Simon,” you whisper, moving so that you’re standing in front of him and drop down onto your knees, “I am so fucking sorry. I don't even have the words to tell you how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you… I should’ve just talked to you instead of letting it build up.”

You move your hands up to gently cradle his face in both your hands and connect your eyes with his molten ones, which usually provided you with comfort. Now, though, all you can see is the look he gave you after you yelled at him, “I— I never should have let my feelings bottle up about me being upset about you having to be gone. I know it's not your fault. I knew what I was getting myself into when we made things official all those years ago. I knew what your job would bring before then; I made the choice to be with you. I'll never regret that.’’

You move your eyes across his face, trying to gauge his emotions, but you get nothing.

“Si, baby?” you whisper.

His eyes move away from you. “Who were you talking about when you said I'm just going to hurt you like he did?’’

You look away, your eyes settling on a loose string on his pants. “I was talking about my dad.” You take a deep breath before continuing, knowing that you have to tell him, “H– He was military like you.”

His hand reaches out to gently lift your chin, bringing your gaze to his. “He died,” you continue, “He died and the last time I ever saw him, I told him I hated him because he was always gone. He…I let him go that day without saying goodbye or telling him I loved him, and the next time I saw him, his body was in a casket."

"Love," he says with a gentle frown.

"No, Simon," you say, shaking your head. Just because I’m scared—no, fucking terrified—of that happening again with you doesn't give me the right to treat you that way. I am so sorry.”

He leans back in the couch and pulls you up into his lap; once you're comfortable, he brings his hands up so that one is cupping your cheek and the other trails down your arm to hold your hand. "Dove, I know what it's like to lose family. I know what it can do to you. I understand that pain more than you know. Pain like that is unlike anything else.”

Tears well up in your eyes, and you blink them away quickly before they fall. "You've lost family, too?"

He nods gently, and you can see deep emotions that seemed to have been buried for a long time beginning to surface. “My mum, my younger brother Tommy, and his wife Beth.” He closes his eyes, and when he opens them, they are filled with unshed tears. “My nephew Joseph.”

You can feel the back of your throat starting to burn from keeping your tears in, but you push your forehead against his anyway. “Simon.”

He looks into your eyes before whispering, “I wish I could tell you it would stop hurting eventually, but I can’t. I’m not going to lie to you and say I’ll always make it back home to you; that's not something I can guarantee, but one thing I can promise is that I will always try my damn hardest to make it back. I will always fight with everything in my soul to make it back to you.”

Tears are softly running down your face at this point, falling to land on Simon’s hoodie. “I love you so much, sweets. I never want to lose you.”

You let out a choked cry before you kissed him gingerly, and you could taste the saltiness of your tears mixed in with all the flavors that reminded you of Simon. Of home.

“I love you so much too, Si.”

He leans in to kiss you again with a light press of his lips to yours before he pulls away and looks at the forgotten food on the coffee table and lets out a light chuckle, “I see we both had the same idea.”

You let out a shaky laugh and nod your head before snuggling your head into the warm crook of his neck. He runs a large hand up and down your back, slowly stopping at the bottom to rub gentle circles into a spot that usually bothers you. "Well, why don’t we eat, and maybe in the morning we can talk a little bit more.”

Yawning into his neck, you pull back and ask, “Can we finish the movie I was watching earlier? It was just getting to the good part before I stopped it.”

He nods, and you excitedly get out of his lap to get your blanket and the TV remote before he pulls the coffee table closer to the couch so that he can start opening the containers. Once you start the movie, you look over to Simon to find him already watching you with a soft look, and all you can think is how thankful you are to have found a man who loves you through all your faults and you through his.

You were grateful for ever getting the chance to be loved by Simon Riley, a man who truly believed that he couldn’t love and that he wasn’t worth loving. You knew that it would probably take your whole lives to heal from the things you've both been through, but as long as you were together, that was all that mattered.

Hi my lovelies, I hope you enjoyed this hc for Price and Simon! Feedback is appreciated but not necessary. As always I hope you have a great day/night. <3

Requests are open so feel free to send in some! I cannot promise when or if I will write them, but I do prefer requests that are slightly more specific as I find them easier to write but it's not required. Thanks for reading my darlings! ♡

[squirrelwriter]

Aurora Comic Fanart: Dainix and Big Feelings

I took a stab at drawing Dainix from the Aurora webcomic by Red. This is really rough, but I was trying to capture the feelings from 2-2-18 and 2-2-24.

Dainix is feeling a lot here:

Physically crappy with nausea and exhaustion (I think)

He's also burning up internally with soulfire rising to the surface. I don't know how that feels physically, but probably uncomfortable?

Emotionally crappy because he's afraid of the ocean and possibly hurt and saddened by Falst's earlier comment

Doubly emotionally crappy because now he's terrified that his soulfire will flare out of control, consume him, and endanger his friends. The poor guy.

So, uh. For comparison, one "mild" symptomatic case of COVID made me feel:

Physically crappy with exhaustion, loss of appetite/unhappy stomach, fever yuckiness

Reiterating: fever. Like fire coursing just below the surface, making my skin flush hot

Emotionally crappy because it derailed an adventure I'd been anticipating all year, which was saddening

Doubly emotionally crappy because once you are a plague walker, you are afraid of endangering your friends if they get anywhere near you, especially if any are high risk

I'd bet my tea stash that these parallels were unintentional, and Dainix's experience is obviously not a one-to-one match to mine. But boy oh boy did I majorly project I mean draw those parallels in my brain. That panel on 2-2-18 where he's lying down with the cracks starting to show, at one point I was like... dude, you are curled on your side in your hammock, distressed, burning internally with soulfire, and I am curled on my side in bed, distressed, burning internally with fever, and we are twinsies in the worst possible way. That panel vividly captures so much of what I felt.

I'm mostly okay and recovered now. I promise. Just mild cold symptoms left. Still a plague walker, though, and still isolating until I cease to be a plague walker. It was weirdly comforting to be able to project connect so thoroughly to this character (he is one of my favorites). Anyway, I felt the need to excise this from my brain, so here you go. Fanart and rambling.

[shivstar]

I have a guilty pleasure of reading Jegulus fics. Despite I shouldn't because of reasons-

#1 They are repetitive in their characterization. James is never shown as canon James that is cruel, arrogant and intelligent. Regulus is changed to diluted version of Sirius but with some self preservation because the dude went to Slytherin.

#2 I am majorly into Prongsfoot (obviously into romantic James and sirius for all those requiring clarification). So I feel like I am cheating on my babies for reading this fic where james is with sirius's brother.

# I hate wolfstar and Lupin with a passion. And if you had read a Jegulus fic, you will know that that pairing doesn't comes without wolfstar. Like ever. Ever. So, even though I have to suffer through this painful thing, I read it.

Why?

Because of the drama available there. Obviously. You get fluff. You get black brothers, you get strong women characters, you get different tropes and what's ifs, you get an ending where first war has better result as compared to canon.

But I hate it too because -

#1 James will never even look towards Regulus when he has the better black brother sirius right in front of him 24*7

#2 Sirius will never give a damm about remus when James is right in front of him for 24*7

#3 These fics forget that besides from the Wizarding war being about blood purity, it was also about dark wizards fighting for their rights. And Regulus black was a dark wizard. So okay maybe he does not want to be killing people for their status but if he also didn't want to be a dark wizard then you are making him sound like a very disfigured imitation of sirius but only more coward version who is a spineless, worthless follower.

I mean let the dude be a person who does not give a damm about whether other people are killed for their blood as long as he and his people are safe. Let him practice dark magic because he is a proud dark wizard unlike sirius who is a closeted dark wizard and has to hide his affinity to that part of magic just to fit with his friends.

#4 Every single Jegulus fic shows walburga and orion as physically and emotionally abusive parents. When I think it was never the case. I believe that with war on the horizon and with strong personalities, sirius and walburga clashed all the time because of their belief system. Walburga distanced herself when she felt that sirius was lost case and started focusing on Regulus who up until the point was not paid much attention.

Regulus was too happy to make his parents pay him attention, became even more malleable to their belief system in search of that affection while sirius thought that nothing he could do would be any better than Regulus so why try. He was jealous of his own brother. Like any normal child he resented his brother for getting his parents love. It was crystal clear in ootp if people dared to pay attention. {No but we were all busy paying attention to that brotherly hug in poa to have any brain cell remaining to pay attention to other books. Lol}

Why the reasons for sirius running away need to be exaggerated. Look around yourself. Have seen some parent child relationship in which there is no abuse involved, but still miscommunication, expectation, circumstances and belief were the reason of their estrangement.

#5 That point where you are reading form Regulus's pov and he has these abandonment issues because of sirius leaving him alone and not taking him away too and you feel for the guy because he is laying his heart out for his audience to see how much he suffered. He blames sirius and James. I feel that bullshit. First of all I think that Regulus was supper happy that he got to be having the sole attention of his parents. Again my version of his parents were not abusive people just two people who didnt know a thing about parenting. The guy was Slytherin, he liked winning. But he was also hurt by his parents still not being as concerned about him like they are of sirius, even when he is disowned. He hated his brother for having that concern in his parents' mind even now. He wanted to be better. He wanted to make them forget that sirius ever existed. He overcompensates by joining DE, he was not forced. He wanted to be make them pleasantly surprised when walburga never wanted that of her sons. She just wanted them to be bigots like her.

She absolutely despised the idea of her youngest bowing to someone. When Blacks are supposed to be the topmost. Practical royalty.

Regulus when he found out that his parents are in fact not happy with his decision, felt betrayed first and then lost. When he got the actual reality of death eating business, it was too late and he felt that he had no one in his corner. His only friends were all DE and quite happy in it. His parents were silently disappointed.

So when he found out about horcrux. He thought that he can make it upto his parents. But also he did not want to seek their help in his embarrassment. So he seeked to do it by himself and met his tragic end. Also I head canon that he could have fought to survive but his will to survive was lost because he felt adrift with no one to confide the complexities of his life, he felt alone. And he accepted death quite quickly with a relief because he was lonely in the world full of opinionated people.

So the bottom line is that I read Jegulus and then I hate myself for reading it. Because it is bullshit. But it has drama. And fanfics are their to entertain us even if it makes me pull my hair out and gauge own eyes.

[thearunadragon]

A series of theories to satisfy my brain.

It would have been so, so dangerously easy for something to go wrong during the Blood-Oath Celebration. Let me explain.

Starting out, elves experience a different form of sleep than humans. This is likely a direct result of the magic they naturally possess in their mind and blood. This form of sleep literally sustains them where human sleep would not be able to fuel and regulate their physical and mental functions properly. It merely does not create enough energy for their magical (and vegetarian) bodies. All it would have taken to leave Eragon royally screwed would be for his form of rest to remain the same. He would possess all of the power and faculties of an elf, but not be able to replace the energy. He would eventually reach a point where he would be too exhausted to be of use. And, even though he could become reliant upon Saphira, his surroundings, or stored energy for basic function, sleep is important for more than just energy levels. Sleep is when your brain processes and stores information, where growth hormones are released, and when a lot of emotional and logical regulation is rooted.

Secondly, jumping and falls. We see Eragon take massive jumps and massive impacts with his newfound elven capabilities. These kinds of events can majorly jostle the brain. Has his skull been altered? Is his brain somehow tougher? Because otherwise, he should definitely be concussed by some of these unless elves are impervious to concussions (which I am certain they are not.)

Thirdly, pain tolerance. It is mentioned in some detail that senses were heightened during the Agaetí Blödhren. This means that Eragon, who can now count ever hair on a leaf just by brushing it with a fingertip, would feel pain MUCH more intensely. I discussed this in depth in a recent post. Was his pain tolerance increased also just by default? Did his seizures raise his pain tolerance? How are we not seeing major reaction over how much more things HURT? These senses could be majorly overwhelming—even incapacitating—to someone who is not used to them!

Finally, we have the transformation itself. Eragon had every aspect of his body forcibly changed by the magic and, let’s face it, that would have been excruciatingly painful. I believe in the very depths of my soul that Eragon passed out because Saphira did it without realizing (instinct, perhaps, because she often protected him from the pain of his seizures in this fashion.) But what if she hadn’t? Not only would it have been torturous—and likely traumatizing—but he could have hurt himself or even died in the process.

I might add to this later. Right now, I have a massive headache. Take care, y’all.

[retrieve-the-kraken]

Young Royals Season 2 play-by-play analysis

This is a much longer analysis because so much happens on this episode that sent me on a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts... I couldn't stop from writing a near essay worth about most crucial moments. Can't stop, won't stop.

EPISODE 5

Simon has been keeping Wille’s sweater under his pillow this whole time, probably sleeping with it. Does it still even smell like Wille? Is the scent fading? Is that why he needs to inhale harder, longer, deeper, wrap his whole face in it? He closes his eyes and licks his lips, like he’s trying to conjure the memory of the feeling of being with Wille, the taste of Wille’s lips. He’s still conflicted, just because he gave in at the ball and kissed Wille doesn’t mean that things have gotten any easier for them. He’s still technically with Marcus, he’s still aware that things with Wille are difficult, that Wille still hurt him, but he’s so drawn to him, he’s finally allowing himself to feel all the things again. He’s been fighting for so long and it’s exhausting.

Smelling Wille’s sweater is like a drug to him, he‘s conflicted, confused, and he needs a hit right now. It’s not going to help things become clearer, in fact they’re probably going to get more muddled. (Fun fact: smelling the person that you love can release the chemical oxytocin, a hormone and neurotransmitter that is also released when we hug and when we orgasm. That’s why it’s often referred to as the love hormone. Our brain chemistry combined with our feelings for a person can determine whether we think that person’s smell is the most fantastic thing in the world, even if they should smell stinky and unpleasant. Simon’s brain loves Wille’s scent. If his feelings for Wille had changed at all, Wille’s scent might not have had the same effect on him anymore. But he still has feelings for him, and so his smell is the most attractive and comforting thing in the world to him.)

Meanwhile Wille cannot contain his happiness, he’s full of hope again, and the shower intensifies that. He’s alone with his thoughts and he gets to mull over them. (Fun fact: did you know that showering lifts your mood because of negative oxygen ions? Sounds contradictory, but these are negatively charged atoms generated by the falling water, and they make you feel energized. That’s part of the reason why Wille is smiling like a madman here, the shower is boosting the way he already feels. Happy, elated, hopeful, invincible. Simon kissed him, he’s still majorly under the effects of oxytocin).

Wille making a sandwich for Simon… like a little callback to their first night together, and him making Simon a s… I love you, Wille, I love you with all my heart.

August being all smug about the fact that he’s gotten the speech, then looking over at Wille, knowing that he probably also got the speech, and he looks annoyed. Wille automatically bites his nail anxiously.

Simon desperately wanting to talk to someone about kissing Wille. He feels like a bad person because he “betrayed” Marcus. But baby, you had already told Marcus that you didn’t want anything serious, you were still getting over Wille, you weren’t ready to move on yet, and he’s the one who convinced you to stay in a “relationship” that you didn’t want. So maybe… it’s Marcus’s fault. (Not excusing kissing someone else when you’re in a thing, situationship with someone else, but… read the room, Marcus.)

“But does that make you a bad person just cause you do one bad thing?” Sara, are you comparing Simon barely cheating on Marcus with Wille to you betraying your brother or August causing a whole royal scandal? Or maybe she’s referring to her secret relationship with August, which is, in her mind, a direct betrayal of Felice. She doesn’t think she’s really doing anything terrible to Simon by being with August, and she thinks that August can still be redeemed. She’s giving him a second chance, which she often chastises Simon for doing to other people (Wille, Micke).

“You’re supposed to tell me to forget about Wille and be with Marcus.” Simon feeling so guilty, and conflicted. He feels like he’s betraying himself because he shouldn’t still have such strong feelings for Wille after everything that happened. He’s so conflicted and desperate for something certain, something easy.

“But you’re not in love with Marcus,” says Sara, leaving out the obvious which is “you’re in love with Wille instead.” But also talking about herself. “You can’t control your feelings. If you have feelings for the wrong person, it can still feel just right.” Poor Sara, you fell in love with the worst person. But she’s right, you can’t control your feelings. Simon has been trying to do that all season and failing fantastically.

Sara being all nervous about learning the protocol for meeting the royal family. August being a brown-noser with Jan-Olof. They both want it so bad.

Simon singing with all his heart, singing like he’s never sang before… and Jan-Olof with his frumpy face. I love that Simon stands up for himself, that he argues, that he states that they’ve been practicing. “It’s important to stick to tradition.” “But I thought the whole point was to prove that the school has been modernized.”

“We want this to be a group performance, not a solo.” And then when Simon storms out, Jan-Olof actually says to the teacher “Good.” THE GALL. All the other bullshit about tradition and continuity might be true, but at that moment it becomes evident that it was also about not giving Simon the spotlight, to make sure he doesn’t stand out. Fuck you, Jan-Olof.

I'm here for a Simon and Felice team-up. I want them to be hot curly-haired melanin-blessed fierce besties, especially after what happens in the next episode... Simon seems to be cool with her now, despite how she treated Sara at first, despite the whole kissing Wille in his room, despite everyone knowing that she used to be in love with Wille. And Felice is the supportive friend we all deserve.

Felice: “They don’t want new rumors about the two of you, you know?” (And then Wille goes and blows the lid off of that in the next episode. You don’t want rumors? No problem. Nothing but verified information straight from the source from now on.)

Again, they are sitting together, even when Simon is angry about Wille, if not directly at him. Simon, don’t reject the sandwich, please, Wille made it with so much love… don’t be like that, Simon, please, he wants to please you so bad…

One day they will have a nice encounter in the music room, from beginning to end…

“Everything I do becomes a problem when you enter the picture.” This was why Simon said that he couldn’t accept Wille’s role, because he still thinks that it’s somehow Wille’s fault, that it’s not something out of Wille’s control. “They don’t want you to be associated with me, as per usual.”

“How long do I have to be punished for that video?” It’s true, he’s constantly being victim-blamed for the video, as if him and Wille wanted to get caught, as if it was their fault that the video was recorded and leaked and became viral… It’s like when actresses have nude pictures and they get hacked, and the media reports it like they shouldn’t have had nude pictures of themselves, and how embarrassing for them and the negative impact it might have on their careers... Instead of condemning the hackers…

“You don’t get it because you haven’t felt the consequences.” Simon is so angry about his song that he says things without trying to see from Wilhelm’s perspective. Haven’t felt the consequences???? Have you not seen this sad boi puddle of anxiety mopey mess walking around the school this whole time, almost getting yanked out of his dorm by his bodyguard and dragged all the way back to Drottningholm??? Did you not see him seething every time August was in the vicinity???? Did you not spot his raw red eyes from crying in his ridiculous wig???

“Yesterday was a mistake.” Simon says it, not because he doesn’t have feelings for Wille, but because he’s jaded. It will never work between them, they are not equals, there’s a whole institution hellbent on making sure that they never get back together. And Wille decides to try to level the ground.

This whole argument. It hurts so much. Of course Simon is hurt, at being lied to, at feeling like he can’t trust Wille. But we know that he really doesn’t understand, that he really would not get anywhere by reporting August. The fact that he says to Wille that he is the royal family, that he’s just like them, just like his mum… But we’ve established that yes, Wille hid the truth to protect Simon, just like Kristina hid the truth to protect Wille, but their motivations were different. Wille really truly wants to protect Simon, whereas Kristina protects her son and by extension the royal family.

Wille trying to control his panic attack in the music room. He feels like he fucked everything right up again. My poor baby. (Also, he just told Simon that it was August, and Simon can do whatever he wants with that information, and he’s probably worried that the thing he was trying to protect Simon from will actually happen…)

“Okay, so it wasn’t because it’s him.” Jan-Olof doesn’t answer, instead changes the subject. Duh.

”What a fucking snake.” “We always knew that August was an asshole.” “Yeah, but I meant Wille.” Simon turns like he was about to say something, but doesn’t.

Rosh being as good a lawyer as August’s dad. Give me Lawyer Rosh walking into court with her cow-print coat, please.

“Wille is right, people like them never get convicted.” Depressing truth. Rosh has a good point too, but it’s still bad advice. “Don’t you want everyone to know what August did?” The thing is that the royal family can probably manage to cover it before it even gets out, even after he’s gone to the police…

“Erik never had to give any speeches before he was of age.” This points so hard to how different Kristina treats Wille. Erik was, for all we know, the perfect Crown Prince, he didn’t have to make up for anything. Wille has to make up for past “scandals”… he has to clean up his image a lot, become the perfect Crown Prince in no time. Kristina probably thinks of this as pushing Wille to power through into his role of Crown Prince. Fake it till you make it. She’s sizing him up for his role, for whether he will be committed to it.

Now she poses the possibility that Wille may be deemed unfit. Or wether he'll be able to produce heirs. He’s fucking sixteen… “We risk upsetting the entire system of government.” So much for modernizing. Kristina has proven again to be old-fashioned and homophobic.

“I can’t force you. And I shouldn’t have to either.” Bullshit, Krissy. You’ve just mindgamed/mindfucked him into doing it, by revealing strategically that August is his backup. That was your plan all along. This whole conversation is so manipulative. “You have to remember that your decisions not only affect you. I need you on my team, Wilhelm.” Fuck you, Krissy. What about being on Wilhelm’s team instead, for once?

Wilhelm touching the broken frog prince snow globe, like he’s consulting with Erik...? Or like he’s realizing that the frog prince is free from his snow globe prison. It was terrible at first, it felt horrible for the snow globe to smash, something precious broke, but… now the frog prince is free…

But I love that Wilhelm wants to think about himself for once. And not in a selfish way. He’s weighing his options.

Sara not understanding that it’s not Felice’s decision who purchases Rousseau, and storming out.

Wilhelm finally opening up completely during the session, trusting Boris, making the tea and being very expressive.

“There was the real Erik, and then there was Prince Erik.” Erik had more training for his role, he was the first born, Wille was the spare. As far as everyone knew, Wille was never expected to step into the role…

“I know that I should be grateful for everything that I get, the honor, the privileges and everything, but how hard can it be?” He is aware of his privilege and he is aware of what is being asked from him in return, and he hasn’t realized that he would give all those up in a second, if it weren’t because he feels bound by duty.

“I do owe them, I have to do all this.” “Do you really?” Good, Boris, good.

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again. Wilhelm drinks hot tea like a Viking. Dear god boy, your tongue, your throat, the roof of your mouth... (@makingupachangingmind pointed out that water in psychologists’ offices is always lukewarm, but it’s not… Wilhelm just boiled the water himself, and as he pours both cups you can see the steam. That is freshly boiled water. Obviously poor Edvin was not made to drink boiling tea during the scene, but for all intents and purposes Wilhelm just drank really freaking hot tea because he doesn’t mind how hot it is. It’s like he’s trying to kill something inside of him.)

And then Boris gives him permission to think about himself. To be a bit selfish.

By possibly giving August everything he’s ever wanted, Wilhelm might gain something much more important and valuable: his freedom, and the freedom to be with Simon.

August is playing chess with the same third year boys that turned on him before (they’re even almost in the exact same places and positions as the day they voted for Vincent). Like there’s no longer bad blood between them for voting him out of his prefect position. But knowing August, it’s simply because he doesn’t have to be resentful about that anymore, because what he knows that they don’t is that he’s about to be the top dog, once it becomes obvious that he’s the next in line to the throne.

I like that Malin calls Wille by his first name, not Crown Prince. I know that most of the time, people don’t have to address him that way, but often they do, so for Malin to be so familiar with him it’s nice.

Sara seeking comfort in August, and August being sweet. Ugh, I hate him so much, stop making me like you.

“If I let him take over, I could be free. From all this, I could be free with you. But if you go to the police, then I won’t have a backup anymore. I won’t have a choice. I can’t be free. I’ll be betraying my whole family, betraying Erik. I don’t want that.” This whole speech, it’s so simple and beautiful. Wille is finally doing what Simon asked him to do last season, to figure out what he wanted, something that he had to do on his own. And Wille figured it out, but even when he did it on his own, he was thinking of what Simon wanted too. Wille wants to be free, but it’s only worth it if it’s to be with Simon… so he exposes his feelings, he tells him what he wants, and what he hopes, and then leaves the choice completely up to Simon.

“Did he just say that he’d give up the crown for you?” Is one of the most iconic lines from this season, along with “they don’t have names”. I need a t-shirt of each. The look on Simon’s face as he realizes that yes, the boy he loves would literally give up everything for him, he would give up being King of Sweden, if it means he gets to be with Simon... If Simon will have him...

Jesus Christ, August is also giving up a part of himself, something that he felt was so important… for love. AND He looks so freaking cute looking at Sara… Goddamn you August.

Him talking about being King August and Queen Sara… like it’s in the bag…

Sara being sour still about Rousseau and making Felice feel terrible… it’s not the people that are buying Rousseau that she’s angry about, it’s not entirely about Rousseau being sold either, Sara feels helpless because it’s just another way in which she’s acutely aware of how much she doesn’t fit in with her peers. If she had the money, she could buy Rousseau for herself… But instead she has to depend on Felice’s family making “the right choice” of new owners for Rousseau, which let’s face it, Sara wasn’t going to be happy about absolutely anyone who might be interested in buying him. “What does she expect, for you to keep Rousseau so she can keep riding him?”

Wille waving his pencil to catch Simon’s attention… And that whole conversation whilst talking about the book… ugh, my heart. Simon finally understanding the pressure that Wille has on his shoulders, and Wille apologizing for it, and Simon forgiving him and understanding that it's not so simple and that it's not his fault, and basically saying that the ending is unknown so there’s hope… And Sara in the background being like “what’s going on between these two”. And Henry being Henry, of course.

“I mean she killed herself.” Ugh, let’s hope this is not foreshadowing of anything. (Unless it could be something about Erik…?)

LINDAAAA MY LOVE. We didn’t get enough Linda this season and it’s really upsetting. What’s even more upsetting is that Linda is so excited that Simon is in a relationship again with someone “caring” as far as she knows, that she doesn’t realize that Simon is uncomfortable with the conversation. Linda, I love you, but read the room. And of course Simon won’t say anything because he technically IS still with Marcus.

“Tampoco los voy a abochornar si vemos a la Reina (I won’t embarrass you either if we see the Queen)”. Now please let THIS be foreshadowing of the first time Linda and Kristina meet, PLEAAAASE. Not the embarrassing part, the meeting part. Please let them meet, please let them interact, please let Wille and Linda be super sweet with each other and for Kristina to realize that they have a warmer relationship than she has with her own son. Please let Kristina watch how Linda and Simon interact and realize how different that is from her relationship with Wille.

Sara tells August that Simon knows, like a little snitch, but she truly hopes that August will do the right thing, because she doesn’t understand how August works. What August knows that Sara doesn’t is that he gains nothing by confessing to the crime, as his stepdad told him. So now he has to find a way to save his ass. And that means sinking Simon somehow. (The game of chess is foreshadowing, though, throughout the whole show. August needs to be several moves ahead of Wille and Simon somehow. And someone pointed out a while back that, in the first episode, when Wille and Alexander are playing chess, Alex checkmates Wille, which is also foreshadowing to the next episode, where he has a role in pinning Wille and Simon…)

Simon thinking about how to tell Wille that he’s still going to the police… But Sara and Henry interrupted… Simon added a “But…” and then they came in and Wille had to leave because he felt physically ill.

EDIT (2023/03/23): I just realized I was wrong as I was rewatching most of this scene yet again (for fic research purposes, strictly) and it’s Wille who says “but…” then trails off when Sara and Henry come up. I don’t even want to know what he was going to say, because it doesn’t matter anymore, because after he has a breakdown and Simon comes by his room, Simon clarifies that he’s not doing it to hurt him, that he needs to do the right thing, and Wille says he knows and that he’s not trying to stop him. So we know already that whatever he might have said before the interruption was best left unsaid , perhaps. Maybe he would have protested, bargained a little, tried to sway Simon’s decision, and that would have negated what he said before, about it being Simon’s decision. So he kept quiet. He could have easily asked Simon to talk in private, try to talk him out of it, try to stop him, but he kept quiet, letting the reality of Simon’s choice to sink in, accept his fate. He needed to accept Simon’s decision, whatever it was, for Simon to trust him fully again.

After he throws up and as he’s brushing his teeth, he sounds like he's wheezing, he’s having trouble breathing. He's feeling weak, getting into bed without even taking his shoes off and rolling himself into a blanket burrito of pain and sadness... Because he knows that he will never be free, he will never be with Simon… he’s trapped forever… my poor baby…

“Are you mad at me?” No, Simon, you know he’s not… it’s just a tiny little thing of his whole world crumbling down…

Wille understating how sick he felt, because he didn't want his own feelings to influence Simon's decision. He's putting Simon first, because he loves him, even if if it's at the cost of his own freedom and happiness.

Simon seeing the frog prince/frog king snow globe smashed and Wilhelm keeping it on a little plate in his room, with all the jagged broken pieces, he probably doesn’t know the story behind it, but he must deduce then that it held a lot of meaning to Wilhelm, that he wouldn’t simply throw it out just because it smashed.

“But it’s scary.” “It’s scary for me too.” They're both scared, of the consequences of their actions, Wille is scared of having to be Crown Prince, of disappointing people, and Simon is scared of fighting for nothing, of things staying the same, of pointlessly fighting the system and perhaps other consequences… but they’re also both scared of the same thing, of being without one another, of having to be apart, of losing each other… they were so close, and suddenly everything goes up in smoke…

Wille tentatively reaching for Simon’s hand, and Simon letting him take it, caressing his fingers. They're both so resigned. “What will happen to us?” “I don’t know…” Kind of like the ending of Kris by Karin Boye…

They hug, and they both get a hit of oxytocin. It’s like Wille’s dream at the beginning of the season, breathing in each other, feeling at home and safe in each other’s arms…

And then they give in, for one last kiss, perhaps… then they look at each other, silently asking each other “can we at least have one last time?” So much has been written about this scene already, about all the built-up desire and yearning and aching bubbling to the surface, about them thinking that this might be the last time that they get to be together, so they decide they will have one last night together, just in case, to cherish forever. To assure each other that it’s the circumstances that are keeping them apart, not themselves. They are in. They are it for each other. To know that they love each other, that this was real and intense and worth fighting for, even if they can’t be together in the end, might help them survive.

I just want to fixate on three instances: this moment when Simon’s aching and yearning come through in his face again, in that little frown, and then it disappears in an instant as he melts into the kiss, into Wille’s arms, and he breathes in and relaxes and lets himself enjoy this, enjoy the taste and the smell and the feeling of Wille again…

And the best kiss in my opinion is this moment, when Simon takes control, as he climbs onto Wille’s lap like he’s been aching to do for so long. Because it’s obvious that Wille has always been hung up on Simon, it’s obvious that his feelings for Simon never went away, that he was in it the entire time… But Simon tried to hide/push his feelings away so much, get over him, move on, he tried so hard, but now he’s done fighting it, and he lets his desire take over. Get on top, take control, ravish him. Hands on his hair and on his face, kissing him desperately, grinding against him, chests rubbing, heavy breaths, devouring his neck. It’s so intense and beautiful… the song choice is chef’s kiss. It is holy.

And of course, the moment where Wille manages to ignore his own pleasure, his own elation, long enough to have the presence of mind to close the fucking curtains. Simon looks momentarily conflicted, at the sudden darkness, but then Wille lets out a nervous little chuckle, as if he’s asking “is this okay?” And Simon smiles. Yes, it’s okay. With that simple move, Wille regains control of his own narrative, for him and for Simon. They regain their privacy. They are safe with each other. At this moment, the world outside disappears, shut out completely, and it's just them.

I don't know how many times I've rewatched this episode, but I never not lose my shit over every single beautiful Wilmon moment...

Next episode is just me screaming and yelling at the screen...

This episode is brought to you by OXYTOCIN™.

[imfinereallyy]

🧡Oh hey there!🧡

Welcome to ✨my blog✨. I'm Rae and I'm just trying my best here. My main topic here is Steddie and Stranger Things all around. I have completely spiraled and hyper fixated on it since Volume 1, and it's been consuming my brain ever since. This post is mainly to say hi!, let you know a few things and give you access to my main posts.

Let this be known as a safe space (especially for the LGBTQ+ community) and I will not tolerate hate. This is a place for kindness and creativity.

I love making friends so feel free to message me, or send me prompts! 🥰

Some of my writing does involve mature themes, so keep that in mind while scrolling. I am 24, and despite feeling like I'm stuck at 16 some days, I am an adult. So please proceed with caution when necessary. I will try my best to properly tag things.

If you want to check out my work on ao3, which has a mix of stuff from tumblr and new stuff, you can click here.

Here is the masterlist of my fics so far! *updated 7/26/23 completely, in process of update 4/26/24

Series:

Father Figures (completed and available on ao3)

pt. 1

pt. 2

I wonder if you look both ways (When you cross my mind) 🐝･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･✦ʚɞ (ongoing)

pt. 1

pt. 2

pt. 3

pt. 4

Tattooed Steve (ongoing)

pt. 1

pt. 2

The Long Con (ongoing) (available on ao3)

pt. 1

pt. 2

Sibling Adventures of El and Steve (ongoing)

(still steddie heavy, and can be read stand-alone, not majorly connected)

Dad's going to be angry

Sleep Demon

Quality Time

more el and steve

✧˖°.AO3 FICS✧˖°.

Craved Oblivion Series (Hunger Games AU) *ongoing*

A Martyr's Lullaby *completed*

tbd

tbd

Better Late than Never (Just Don't Make Me Wait Forever) 

But You'll Have This Place to Call Home, Always 

Father Figures 

The Long Con *ongoing*

Huggin' and a-kissin', dancin' and a-lovin'

One Shots:

Say "I love you" before you go

Father's Day

Good Morning

Is This Okay?

First Kiss

“You Hurt Me” (real title pending)

Take the Crisis Back

Emergency Kiss

Deja Vu

Drugs are Kicking in

Eavesdropping

Placeholders

Celebrate Softly

After the Beep

Track 7

Birthday Parties and Secret Signals

(these are more popular ones/or really recent ones I have too many to list! There are plenty more in my blog if you’re curious. Most should be tagged with #mywriting or #writingprompts)

I also have plenty of writing prompts, as my brain runs a mile a minute, and I adore it when people feel inspired by my writing so feel free to explore.

I hope you enjoy! Get comfy and stay awhile :)

Things I would like to note: Homophobia, Transphobia, Sexism, Racism, etc. are absolutely not tolerated here. As stated earlier the idea is to create a safe space for everyone. If I or anyone that interacts with my blog upsets you, please don't feel shy to message me. My asks (with anon) and messages are open, even if it's just to chat (also keep in mind once again I am an adult). Don't bully the children either, they are just trying their best. Please and thank you. 💖

[fleet-off]

Menagerie [4]

(previous parts: 0 | 1 | 2 | 3)

The vet mentioned that rats like company. A day after the pet supply store, Vegas stalks into the kitchen with Pete faithfully in tow and sets two more rat carriers on the counter. He’s evading eye contact, which is a shame because Pete looks majorly in love with him.

Macau peers through the carriers’ plastic slats and glimpses whiskers and hairless tails. “Two rats? Is it my birthday?”

Vegas snorts. “Only if you want rat cake for your birthday dinner. No, we’re just…celebrating.”

“The final stitches are out,” Pete says, eyes gleaming. “Doc’s very impressed with his progress.”

“I’m cleared for baths again.”

Macau groans. “We don’t have a housekeeper, please don’t clog the drain with your long-ass rose-petal soaks.”

“I’ll do worse than that,” Vegas threatens, and—Macau can’t remember the last time he sounded so genuinely cheerful.

“Jerk.” He knocks gently against his brother’s shoulder. “Glad you’re getting better, bro.”

Vegas ruffles his hair and drops a kiss on his head. “Me too,” he says. “Me too.”

One of the rats crouches in the back corner of its carrier, sniffing at the air. The other is investigating the gaps in the wire-grated door. Vegas pokes his finger into the carrier, and the creature at once approaches and takes his finger in its tiny paws. It noses at it—hesitates, weighing options in its little rat brain—and begins to nibble at the tip.

“He likes you,” Pete murmurs.

A vague smile softens Vegas’s face. “D’you know, Macau was a biter when he first got his baby teeth,” he says. “Little menace mauled anything he could fit in his mouth. Bit our uncle’s mole once, right in the middle of a visit.”

The story is worn from over-telling, but it seems fresh to Pete. He stifles a snicker—like wanting to laugh is secret, somehow. “What did he do?”

“Couldn’t do anything, could he? Getting upset with the baby is a bad look.” Vegas wiggles his finger. The rat adjusts its grip and keeps chewing on him. “He just had to stand there with that goonish dad-smile stuck to his face and pretend to be indulgent while Ma coaxed Macau off. He made the funniest fucking wheeze.”

“And Ma freaked out, but Ba nearly laughed his ass off,” Macau recites.

“He wasn’t upset?”

“He was proud. Said it meant Macau would grow up strong.”

This one’s a fighter.

Macau grimaces. When he was twelve—when their father forgot his presence and even Vegas had less time for him than before—he’d clung to that old story. A born fighter, he’d thought. Born to crush that filthy family between my teeth. The rest of them just couldn’t see it yet.

“When did Ba get anything right,” he says now. In the open air of the kitchen with their father dead in the ground, it only aches a little.

Vegas’s eyebrows draw together; his mouth catches on his instinctive response. “Ba,” he says. “Well. He wasn’t always wrong.”

…Which is the funniest shit he could say, standing here with his healing wounds and his awkward half-smiling boyfriend a step too close and a rat gnawing happily on his finger—and fuck Ba, honestly, for never seeing everything he got wrong about Vegas—but Macau’s not fighter enough to argue.

“Hia, you’re going to need new stitches if you keep letting that rat bite you,” he says instead.

Vegas’s expression eases. “He’s fine. He’s not doing it to hurt, he’s just curious or hungry. Baby hedgehogs are the same. Get the—Pete?”

“Snack sticks,” Pete says, having already fished them from the bag under his arm.

Vegas takes three. “Here. Offer one to the other little guy, see if it’ll help him settle in. And Macau—for the one in your room.”

“The OG rat.”

“The—fuck it, the OG rat.”

“Ojirat?” Pete cocks his head. “Is that what we’re calling him?”

Vegas’s arm jerks mid-handoff. Macau misses his snack stick. It hits the floor—some seeds scatter—Pete’s already bending to help, but Macau ducks into a crouch before he can. “It’s fine, phi, my bad. Uh, we’re not calling him anything, I don’t think. Don’t…” He tries to sweep the loose seeds into his palm. The tacky honey sticks to the floor and to his hands.

“Is that what we’re calling him,” he hears Vegas repeat, tone indecipherable. His nails tap against the counter.

Macau is glad to be low to the ground, and then ashamed for it. Vegas isn’t going to— “You don’t have to sweat the names, p’Pete,” he says. “It’s just a pet.”

Vegas…laughs. High and a little hiccuping, which means it’s genuine. “You know that’s a Ba thing too,” he says.

Macau’s ears burn. “Oh,” he says stupidly. His thumb crushes one of the seeds into the floor. He’s making a mess. “I always figured it was a you thing.”

More specifically—a who cares what it’s called, it’s just going to die anyway thing. One of the things you rip up and hide under your pillow after, waking the next morning to find smears of half-formed names in crayon on the pillowcase. Macau’s always been good for a mess and not much more.

The stain a name leaves seems suddenly more permanent than crayons or the honey residue on Macau’s palms. Sticky, solid. Macau’s fingers itch for it. “It’s confusing with three,” he blurts. “It’s confusing, if we don’t name them.”

He raises his eyes to his brother, whose gaze is tightly focused on his fearless, mouthy little rat. “Macau,” he says. Lets out a long breath and turns to face him. “Fuck’s sake, it’s my mess. Get off the floor, toss that stick and come take another one—I’ll handle the rest. Pete, pass the paper towels?”

So Macau rises, and washes his hands, and a wet paper towel picks up the honey residue and seeds in seconds, and—some things aren’t a big deal at all, actually. Which is. Cool.

“Side question,” Macau says once his brother is on his feet again, “If I wanted to get you to clean my room for me too…”

“Oh, fuck off.” Vegas offers him a fresh snack stick. He’s breathing a little harder, favoring his right side, but he waves off Pete’s hand with his teeth bared in a grin. “No housekeepers, we sort our own damn messes. Right?”

“Yeah.”

Pete nudges his hip against Vegas’s. “Names?” he asks.

“Names,” Vegas agrees.

(to be continued)

[incoherentmaladaptivedaydreaming]

Best Hogwarts Houses for the HL Characters

TIME FOR MORE BRAIN ROT THIS IS JUST SO FUN TO THINK ABOUT

This is which MC based on their house I think would best suit the characters (Sebastian, Ominis, Natsai, and Poppy) in HL, plus what I think a relationship between the characters and the different MCs would look like.

Completely subjective and based on my interpretations of what the MC would behave like in each of the Hogwarts houses. I’m always interested to see how other people view themselves relating to their houses so if you disagree, I’d love to know why.

Sebastian

Slytherin: Without a doubt, Slytherin MC would be the best for Seb. Someone who is also ambitious, cunning, and has a streak of mischief, just like him. Sebastian has shown he’s attracted to power and a Slytherin MC would be someone with the determination to be as powerful as they can get. I’d imagine a Slytherin MC would also stick at his side, no matter what. I feel like there’s not much to say because this is almost self explanatory.

Ravenclaw: I love love love the idea of Sebastian with a Ravenclaw MC. Especially one that just craves knowledge. They’d gladly go on all the adventures with him, just to know what’s going to happen (they lost their minds getting a chance to break into the restricted section). Definitely would learn all the curses too, out of curiosity. At the end, I think depending on how you’d play as Ravenclaw would determine if MC would turn Sebastian in or not. Does MC turn him in because he’s killed someone and by law, he should pay for his crimes OR does MC protect Sebastian because Dark Arts knowledge should have been taught in the first place and this may not have happened if it was talked about in the first place?

Gryffindor: I am a little more neutral about Sebastian and a Gryffindor MC but overall, I think it would be a fun relationship. A lot of teasing since they’re in rival houses so there would be a lot of friendly competition. A Gryffindor’s love for adventure would also be a big motivator on why they go along with all of Sebastian’s shenanigans. However, I think it possible that the MC’s moral compass would lead them to disagree with Sebastian later in the plot and side with Ominis. On whether or not to turn Sebastian in, I think it is a 50/50 chance they would turn him in. They would either protect him, justifying it by looking at his motivations, or they would turn him in because it’s the “right” thing to do, but immensely regret it.

Hufflepuff: I see Hufflepuff mostly as a platonic partner to Sebastian. I think they’d be way too nice for his sharp tongue to be in a relationship with him. I think they would be great friends and MC’s loyalty to their friendship is what makes them continue helping Sebastian, even if they don’t always agree with his methods. They’d also really feel bad for Anne and want to help her, so they go along with Sebastian because they trusted that he knew what he was doing, but ultimately side with Ominis during the plot. However, I don’t think a Hufflepuff MC would ever turn Sebastian in. I think they would care too much about their friends to send him away, knowing it would hurt Ominis and Anne very much as well.

Ominis

Hufflepuff: I think Hufflepuff would be the best house for Ominis, and no, you can’t change my mind LOL. Moral wise, I think they would be most similar and Ominis has a pretty strong moral compass, mainly about Dark Arts. I also think that in the storyline, a Hufflepuff MC would only help Sebastian out of loyalty and friends, so Ominis would be more likely to forgive/understand why MC keeps helping Sebastian, despite disagreeing with his methods. But also the Slytherin x Hufflepuff trope is so cute to me. Ominis is so sarcastic and sassy in the games and MC would be a ball of sunshine, the dynamic would be so endearing. (Also majorly on that OminisxPoppy train.) He also just needs a damn hug.

Ravenclaw: The rest of the houses, I am mostly neutral on for Ominis. Ravenclaw and Gryffindor is interchangable for me tbh. Ravenclaw MC and Ominis could be interesting. Depending on the type of Ravenclaw MC is, their relationship would be a little different. A really smart Ravenclaw would definitely get called a “nerd” by him LOL. He regularly sasses MC in the games as a “show off” for beating a troll, there no way he wouldn’t call a Ravenclaw MC a “know it all.” For a more creative, quirky Ravenclaw (think Luna Lovegood), he would still tease but in an endearing way.

Gryffindor: The next best may be Gryffindor, due to their moral compass, but other than that, I don’t really have any concrete examples from the games to support what their relationship would look like lol. This pair would have a lot of teasing though, like Gryffindor and Sebastian. Ominis definitely participates in the Slytherin vs Gryffindor rivalry fun, so they would be poking fun at each other often. Definitely not as competitive as SebastianxGryffindor would be though. This would mostly be MC telling Ominis they want to do dangerous/dumb shit and Ominis being exhausted saying nO wtf???

Slytherin: I know a lot of people have Slytherin MCs and may disagree with me, but I feel like a Slytherin MC would only be platonic with Ominis. I do think a Slytherin MC is the best addition to the Seb/Omi duo and they are definitely be really great friends. But romantically, I think a Slytherin MC could be too ambitious for Ominis. They are more prone to craving power and probably side with Sebastian most of the time so idk if Ominis would be in a relationship with them. This is also a note that pertains more to Ominis’s character rather than MC, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if Ominis was cautious about other Slytherins, especially since the racist ones would definitely be placed in this house lmao. (That being said, I am also on the OminisxAnne train bc best friend’s sibling trope?? Giving HarryxGinny)

Natsai

Gryffindor: I don’t know if this is a cop out answer, but Gryffindor MC and Natsai would be such a power couple. Both with strong moral compasses and a savior complex LOL. They would gladly go on all the adventures to protect people or just ran errands for strangers together. If Gryffindor MC had a big ego, I think Natty wouldn’t hesitate to tell them to calm tf down but jokingly since she knows MC has a heart of gold.

Hufflepuff: Since Natty is so sweet, I think a Hufflepuff MC would be the next best for her. Someone who cares about everyone around them, just like her, and she’d really admire their kindness, like when they’re just helping random people in their free time. I feel like both Natty and Hufflepuff MC are just such warm people so they would work well together. Overall, I think this couple would be super sweet and loving.

Ravenclaw: Natty and a Ravenclaw MC would be adorable, especially if MC was someone who would just go on rants about whatever their current interest was and Natty would just smile and intently listen to them ramble. She would then bring up the things MC talked about in later conversations and MC would be so happy that she was really listening and remembering what they were saying. Ravenclaw MC and Natty would study together often and MC would also use their knowledge to help Natty plan her missions.

Slytherin: Slytherin MC for Natty is a 50/50 for me. I feel like a dynamic where Slytherin MC is super sassy/tries to egg her on and Natty is completely unphased by bc she’s such a positive person would be so adorable. But in the game, idk if they would be romantic pair. If you use curses in front of her, she tells MC that she’d rather them not use those type of curses. Her moral compass might conflict with a Slytherin MC’s ambition, so it’s more likely that they would be good friends than romantic partners. If they were together, Natty would always try to keep them from straying into the Dark Arts.

Poppy

Slytherin: Back on my Hufflepuff x Slytherin agenda. A Slytherin MC and Poppy would be elite. I just think it’d be cute for a Slytherin MC, who would do anything to help Poppy achieve her goals, including using dark magic, to be shocked when Poppy is completely unphased by it the first time she sees them use it. If you use curses in front of Poppy in game, she literally says “they got what they deserved.” MY GIRL IS ALSO A MONSTER LOL. She grew up in poacher camps so she’s probably used to seeing. She doesn’t use it herself but she isn’t scared that MC uses it to help her save magical beasts. (Also their similar backstory is why I think her and Ominis could be a cute pair.)

Ravenclaw: Ravenclaw and Gryffindor are on the same level on how well I think Poppy would pair with them. I think a Ravenclaw MC would love to just ask Poppy questions about different beasts and let her ramble on about them. They get to learn new things and hear her voice so it’s a win win. Poppy would appreciate having someone who is actually listen to her talk about beasts and they would just be a cute pair. They’d probably both avoid interacting with other people too and just keep to themselves with the magical beasts. 

Gryffindor: Gryffindor MC would 110% be on board with all of Poppy’s excursions. Their love for adventure, combined with their desire to help others, makes for the perfect adventuring partner for Poppy. They may get worried that Poppy keeps trying to go on dangerous missions to poacher camps but they are more than happy to go along with her. Poppy’s got the brains, MC’s got the brawns. I see Gryffindor MC with himbo energy in this pair lol. The two would love to ride Highwing together for the thrill.

Hufflepuff: I think this pair would be fine, I just don’t have any strong feelings about them. I think they would be super wholesome, spending most of their time together with the beasts that they rescue. A Hufflepuff MC would probably be  exhausted trying to keep Poppy from running into danger, but ultimately follow along anyways because if you can’t beat, then join them. Also because they want to protect the beasts too, but why does Poppy do it in the most dangerous way possible? (We literally ran into a mother dragon’s nest with a wish and dream and hoped for the best.)

[technicallywrite]

27, 36, 58!

27. Have I ever broken someone’s heart?

Well, I don’t know about broken, but there was this one boy in high school… Senior year in high school, I think? Well, technically two boys, who were already besties before we all ended up in the same class, if I recall correctly (this was 25 years ago, so forgive the vagueness).

The three of us (all giant nerds) started hanging out together a lot. I sort of developed a crush on one of them; it turned out to be mutual, he asked me out and we ended up dating for a few months, though it didn’t work out.

I believe he was the one who ended it but truth be told I remember being kind of relieved. He was a teenage boy, I was a budding closeted lesbian, there were things he wanted that I didn’t. (And conversely, there were things I wanted, like actually watching the movie when we went to see Titanic in its original theatrical run, that he wasn’t that into.)

But that’s not whose heart got hurt.

Unbeknownst to me, the other boy apparently had been nursing a crush on me the whole time.

I was blissfully unaware, so when he and I started to hang out a lot more —just the two of us— after his buddy and I had broken up, I thought he was just being supportive and we were becoming besties.

You can see where this is going.

We went to the movies a lot back then, so one uneventful Saturday (?) we go see yet another one together (don’t ask me what the movie was, I have no recollection) and on the subway ride home, just as we’re getting to the stop where he has to change lines, as the doors are opening and he’s preparing to get off the train, he just completely out of the blue turns back around and kisses me.

I, of course, am stunned; my brain segfaults, I bluescreen, and give him zero reaction.

Seriously, it’s a total romcom scene. I just stand there staring at him, probably looking like a fish out of water; he steps off the train and gives me a little hopeful wave as the doors close and the train starts rolling again.

I have an oddly clear memory of blinking and looking around, and seeing people looking at me with these big grins on their faces like that was the cutest thing they’d ever seen.

They weren’t around when I had to call my friend and tell him that no, I wasn’t interested in him like that, and he said he was going to need some space because it would hurt too much to be around me for a while.

We drifted apart after that; our friendship never really recovered.

That broke my heart a little bit too.

—

36. Do I give out second chances too easily?

I’m not sure how to gauge that. I regard error and failure as intrinsic parts of the human experience, because we are ultimately just imperfect thinking lumps of meat trying to navigate an extraordinarily complex maze, and this shit is hard.

We’re under all sorts of pressures and constraints from our past and present circumstances, from the people and societal structures around us, and from our biology.

Which is not to say we’re not responsible for our actions —we have to be, because who else otherwise?

However I fully expect people to make choices that I disagree with or disapprove of, some of which may be hurtful to me or to others, and I don’t believe it’s helpful or productive to take an absolutist view of any of it. Not to say that anything goes or everything can be forgiven —there are lines— but in general I default to a posture of forgiveness.

Of course, it helps that I’ve lived a reasonably blessed existence so far; nothing majorly awful has ever happened to me.

So, probably put me down as a yes, I guess.

—

58. My favorite weather?

Autumn in New England, hands down. Sweater weather. Crisp blue skies, a chill in the air; the trees ablaze with color.

[ruminate88]

Ways emotional abuse has affected me physically/mentally as a woman:

10/18/24

When I was talking to these toxic men, I was NOT aware of emotional abuse. My dad always gave me tough love growing up, so I guess I mistook all my exes criticism as “helping me” but it was actually taring me down 😨

I was depressed AND suicidal the whole time I was talking to these men and my recent ex, Andrew, especially made me believe I HAD ISSUES. I honestly believed I was mentally unwell and thought Andrew was the “normal” one accept loving him was soooooo frustrating and difficult. There was sweet moments often of “hey baby 😘 how is your day?” Buuuuuut I mean, most the time I felt he was distant and I couldn’t seem to get any closer with him. Prior to Andrew, I dealt with Cody who I believed just had major trust issues and so I was trying to force him to trust me basically working so hard to make him feel safe with me but NOTHING changed him.

Okay also during that time, I’m unknowingly seeking their approval and stressing so much about being “pretty enough” or “hot” 🥴 I mean, these men charmed me and I thought they were the hottest guys I had ever laid eyes on. Of course I want to impress them 😝 Soo…. I wear soo much makeup and half way through the relationship with Andrew, found myself wearing BLACK EYESHADOW! Straight up black and I would try to blend it with grey so I had a Smokey eye but I understand now the ONLY real reason I was doing that is cuz of how depressed I was in dating Andrew. A dear lady I know said to me at one point, “Sweetie, you don’t need all that black eye makeup. You’re too pretty!” Awwwww 🥺🥺🥺🙏🏻❤️‍🩹 I didn’t realize why I was doing that back then….

Cody ghosted me which really put me in a dark place and then Andrew was making me straight up miserable until I got away from him. Andrew put me through sooooooo much frustration and disappointment. Countless empty promises!!! Sooo now I’m desperately suicidal and tired of life. I prayed to God and decided to change myself completely. Not quite 2 years after I’m away from Andrew and married to someone else, suddenly I can’t wear makeup at all 😳 my eyes break out with scales every time I try eyeshadow and even my lips swell with lipstick. NOW, I do have very sensitive skin but I never had struggled with makeup before 😣 was so frustrating!

I had NO idea my exes were abusive and that’s why I felt so bad from them. The heartbreak from Andrew wouldn’t seem to go away plus I could not stop obsessing in my brain over intrusive thoughts of Andrew. However, I went full blown into church and God. I mean I was extreme because it was desperate not to hurt from my exes anymore. Not understanding there was emotional pain and trauma! I had been numb after Cody but could not understand it. When I met my husband, was like a pause on everything as all my focus was on meeting him but after marriage and we settled into our house, NOW notice something is truly wrong cuz I feel majorly disconnected in my relationships. Especially to my husband. 😔🙏🏻

At some point communication is hard in my marriage and I focus on church. I can’t wear makeup so I throw it all away, even my nail polish ❤️‍🩹 it’s as if I I want nothing to do with my appearance. I saw I started losing hair AND I started having stomach issues as lost so much weight. Had sores often on my body and I just stress none stop!!!! I had NO idea I was trying to get out of flight or fight mode. No one told me I had unhealed trauma. I learned about emotional abuse FINALLY and STILL don’t understand I have wounds to heal. I try to get myself back, even try makeup again and stress all over again with my appearance.

I have had mood swings, hot flashes, chills, stomach/digestive issues, came out of the brain fog eventually but often my short term isn’t as great as my long term memory so I make A LOT of reminders on my phone just in case…. I’ve had bruises randomly all over my legs. I fell off a ladder cuz I wasn’t as stable as I use to be. I’m more careful now. Been through stages of both grief and trauma bond!! Also, found myself needing perfection within myself or I beat myself up. 😳 Negative thinking about myself and putting myself down…. ALL fixable things that I’ve been working through now that I know. Worst of all, CRAZY eating disorders. One minute I want nothing to eat and then suddenly I’m soooo hungry I’m shoving food down my neck ☹️ BUT I have learned to start my day off with plenty of protein and vitamins 👍🏻😩 (magnesium for digestion. Make sure it’s magnesium citrate or else you’ll be sleepy)

Lack of energy and just sadness often wake up extremely sad BUT I’m trying to give myself compassion and love. I’ve tried to balance out my life between superficial and spirituality!! It’s not a perfect walk but I’m not giving up ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹🙏🏻🥺