#which isnt the worst thing you could do. but it ignored the reality of what i was REALLY trying to communicate and what was more accurate

[burning-sol]

u know whats. way ive treated gillion gender and sex in past not too hot. vibe checked self, not a good look.

current status: referring to tritons as explicitly intersex (i hope that term is okay, please correct me if not) as i should have from the beginning because that's what i meant. triton sex is a pretty mixed bag but based on multiple factors, you have "males" and "females" but a majority of tritons whose sex will shift in minor or major ways over the course of their life. ive never drawn too wide a variety of tritons (because there aren't that many as of now) but i do plan to make different family trees of triton be quite unique from each other, so that'd probably imply there's definitely inconsistencies across the board even considering what is normal for tritons. so gillion being an oddball could still exist but all in a very relative to stuff around him kind of way.

anyhow, gillion falls under the category of "this fish keeps changing sex everytime you look away from him for 2 seconds" btw. id probably make it function like ranma 1/2 for no other reason than i think its hilarious. put the fish in cold water for girl mode, put him in hot water for boy mode. i still agree that gillion WOULD refer to himself as genderfluid, but only IF the subject matter got brought up, because the standards of sex and gender are evidently very different between the undersea and oversea. i struggle to imagine that the triton language would have clear terms for girls and boys when that's not something that is important to the culture, so even binary pronouns are beyond the typical scope. gillion sort of just got assigned he/him and it stuck for him, and im sure there's some darker implications there relating to how he was raised and what he has internalised from being exposed to the oversea (gender is very complex for gillion tidestrider).

anyways, another important note is that edyn is a girl who likes being girl and is referred to by girl. she went to the oversea and was like "wow!! this girl mode thing is great!!!" so now she's a girl. always. and i have yet to decide on the gender for the old man but i just know he probably changed pronouns every other day. just looks at em. does that look like someone who won't walk up to you and say "my pronouns are now bubbles" like no fucking way, don't be ridiculous.

so yeah sorry for being ignorant and stuff, i hope these adjustments are clear and appropriate. if not, you can just kill me instantly. i was going to just quietly change stuff but i knew that was just me trying to avoid the shame(tm), and that its probably better im open about when im wrong to be some sort of good example.

[pesterloglog]

Caliborn, Jake English

Act 6, page 5669-5682

undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering golgothasTerror [GT]

uu: DON'T DO IT.

GT: Do what now?

uu: WASTE YOUR TIME WITH THAT BITCH.

uu: YOU SHOULD THANK ME FOR DISTRACTING YOU. FROM INITIATING A POINTLESS CONVERSATION.

uu: WITH AN UGLY HOT WOMAN.

GT: Hey take that back roxys my good friend!

GT: Well ok take back all the parts that werent a compliment.

GT: Or wait. Is calling her hot a compliment or is that creepy?

GT: She is certainly pretty. But hearing it come from you sounds lecherous and dastardly!

uu: OH MY FUCK.

uu: SHUT UP.

GT: Heh. Its probably just my instincts as a brave boy kicking in.

GT: The old chivalry bone acting up you know? When i hear a ladys good name getting besmirched i just start seeing red!!!

uu: WOW.

uu: EVEN I THINK YOU SOUND LIKE A DOUCHE RIGHT NOW.

uu: BUT LOOK. JAKE HUMAN.

uu: I DIDN'T COME TO JEER YOU. UNTIL YOU DRIP THE WEIRD FACE WATER OUT OF YOUR SOCKETS.

uu: EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS I'M JEERING YOU AT THE TOP. JUST IGNORE THAT.

GT: Errr.

GT: Alright?

uu: I'M HERE ON A DIFFERENT KIND OF BUSINESS.

uu: I WAS HOPING WE COULD BE MORE "GENTLEMANLY" WITH EACH OTHER.

GT: Gentlemanly you say?

uu: YES.

uu: I EVEN LOOKED IT UP IN ONE OF YOUR EARTH DICTIONARIES TO MAKE ABSOLUTELY SURE I WAS USING THE WORD RIGHT.

uu: DID YOU KNOW. THERE DOES NOT EXIST A FEMALE EQUIVALENT OF THAT WORD?

uu: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BEING "GENTLEWOMANLY". I LOOKED THAT UP TOO. IT ISN'T THERE.

GT: It isnt?

uu: WELL OK.

uu: IT IS.

uu: BUT I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT'S A REAL WORD.

uu: IT'S TOTALLY MADE UP. AND DOESN'T BELONG THERE.

uu: YOU KNOW WHY IT'S PROBABLY IN THERE?

GT: Um...

uu: BECAUSE SOME SILLY BITCH PUT IT THERE.

uu: TRUST ME. THIS IS NOT A NOTION WHICH APPLIES TO THAT AWFUL GENDER.

uu: FEMALES ARE NOT BIOLOGICALLY EQUIPPED TO BEHAVE REASONABLY. AS PROVEN BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT. BY EMPIRICAL ASSERTION.

uu: THEY ARE VERY SHRILL AND INSANE AND DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. THEIR EMOTIONS ARE OUT OF CONTROL AND THEIR FEELINGS NEVER SHUT UP.

uu: AND WORST OF ALL. GIRLS ARE VERY TRENCHANT TOWARD BOYS WHO WOULD KINDLY INFORM THEM OF THE WAY REALITY FUCKING WORKS.

uu: TALK ABOUT UNGRATEFUL. NO. THERE IS NOTHING WORTHWHILE TO BE GAINED. FROM CHATTING UP THE BITCHES.

uu: AS SUCH. IT IS MY SOLEMN BOYPLEDGE. THAT I WILL NEVER BOTHER SPEAKING WITH YOUR FOUL HUMAN STRUMPETS AGAIN.

GT: Your...

GT: Boypledge?

uu: THROUGH CAREFUL OBSERVATION OF YOUR PARTY. I HAVE DETERMINED THEY ARE BOTH USELESS. AND HOLDING YOU ALL BACK.

uu: ON THE OTHER HAND. BOTH OF YOUR MALE PLAYERS ARE PRETTY GOOD. THE OTHER GUY, AND HIS RED FLOATING MALE GHOST? THEY'RE SO STRONG. IT'S SO GREAT.

uu: I REALLY RESPECT THAT.

GT: Yeah. Dirk is a pretty tough cookie alright...

uu: YOU'RE NOT AS STRONG. BUT WHATEVER. YOU'RE ALRIGHT ANYWAY.

uu: LET'S FACE IT. COMPARED TO THE FECKLESS HOES. YOU'RE IN A CLASS OF YOUR OWN.

GT: But i thought you hated me!

GT: At least thats how i remember it when we last talked.

GT: Which was admittedly a while ago.

GT: Ive never been accused of having a photographic memory but i dont recall you typing in green either.

GT: Are you ripping me off bro??

uu: NO YOU FUCKING MORON.

uu: IF I STOOPED TO YOUR LEVEL. AND DECIDED TO JACK *ANY* PORTION OF YOUR SWAGGER.

uu: DON'T YOU THINK. YOU'D NEED TO EARN MY RESPECT FIRST???

GT: I dont think I understand.

uu: YES. EXACTLY.

uu: UNDERSTANDING IS WHAT I NOTICE YOU DON'T DO. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.

uu: THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT JAKE.

uu: IT IS WHY I HAVE TAKEN AN INTEREST IN YOU.

GT: Whys that?

uu: BECAUSE YOU'RE DUMB AS A BAG OF TEETH.

uu: I'VE CHECKED YOU OUT. FROM MANY DIFFERENT MONITORS.

uu: YOU ARE JUST. SPECTACULARLY UNINTELLIGENT.

GT: Hey!

uu: SETTLE DOWN. I WAS TRYING TO PAY YOU A COMPLIMENT.

GT: Oh. Whoops.

GT: Go on then.

uu: WHILE TO CASUAL OBSERVERS YOU MIGHT APPEAR. TOO STUPID TO KNOW HOW FAR PANTS ARE SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN YOUR LEGS.

uu: I KNOW THAT IT'S QUITE POSSIBLE. YOU ARE JUST MISUNDERSTOOD.

uu: IT IS POSSIBLE THAT YOU JUST HAVE A SPECIAL MIND.

uu: LIKE ME.

GT: You think so?

GT: Not to sound too self obsessed or anything but ive given that some thought.

GT: That maybe there is something special about me that nobody can understand. And maybe thats why i always seem to be botching things up the wazoo with my pals.

GT: Maybe thats why i feel like such a loner. I dunno. Im rambling and ive been thinking about it a lot lately. What about you?

GT: Does being special make you screw the pooch with your friends like it does for me?

uu: UGH. NO. I DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS.

uu: FOR MY PEOPLE. THE WORD FOR FRIENDS. IS FLAWS.

GT: Wow really?

uu: PROBABLY NOT? BUT. IT SHOULD BE.

uu: BECAUSE IT'S TRUE. AS A MATTER OF MY PERFECT PHILOSOPHY ABOUT EVERYTHING.

uu: BUT THE FACT THAT YOU CLEARLY HATE YOUR FRIENDS. AND ARE READY TO SHED THEM LIKE THE DRY SKIN OF A SERPENT.

uu: INDICATES THAT WE SHARE A VERY SPECIAL QUALITY AMONG BROTHERLY BROS. WHO MUST WORK HARDER WITH OUR BRAINS THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

uu: SO WE MAY ACHIEVE BRUTAL SUPREMACY OVER THEM ALL.

GT: Haha. Well i wouldnt go that far. I love my friends!

GT: But i was once told i had a lot of potential.

GT: Supposedly thats how all pages are and it takes them for frickin EVER to reach it.

GT: And funnily enough it was a figment of my own subconscious that told me this. A part of my untapped potential itself! But disguised as my best bro which was...

GT: Peculiar to say the least.

GT: Is that your situation? Are you a page too?

uu: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

uu: HELL NO. BUT THANKS FOR THE LAUGH.

uu: MY CLASS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOURS. IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY. EVEN THOUGH I JUST LAUGHED.

uu: MINE IS THE BEST OF ALL. WHILE YOURS IS FUCKING TRASH.

GT: Oh? Whats yours then?

uu: LORD.

GT: Fine then jeez.

GT: Sorry for asking!

uu: WHAT?

uu: NO.

uu: THAT WAS NOT A SHORT REMARK OF FRUSTRATION.

uu: IT WAS THE ANSWER DUMBASS.

GT: Oh.

uu: IT'S THE MASTER CLASS.

uu: DON'T YOU LOSERS DO ANY HOMEWORK ON THIS GAME.

uu: YOU'D THINK YOU WOULD ALL BE EXPERTS. WITH HOW MUCH MY SISTER HARANGUED YOU ON THIS TEDIOUS SHIT.

uu: SINCE I HAVE HAD GREAT SUCCESS SO FAR. IN PROGRESSING THROUGH THIS DEAD SESSION. I DECIDED. IT WAS TIME TO BITE THAT BULLET.

uu: AND RETURN HOME. TO RETRIEVE ALL OF HER TERRIBLE TEXTS ON THE SUBJECT OF THIS GAME. AND OF YOUR STORY.

uu: I HAVE PORED OVER EVERY NAUSEATING VERSE. IT HAS BEEN A TRUE EXERCISE IN AGONY. FEW COULD POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND MY SUFFERING.

uu: BUT THAT'S OK.

uu: BECAUSE I'M NOT THE IDIOT KID I USED TO BE. NOW I KNOW. THAT WHAT IT TAKES FOR ME TO LEARN AND GROW STRONGER.

uu: IS EXCRUCIATING EFFORT.

uu: SO I HAVE A CHOICE. WHICH IS TO EITHER BE WEAK.

uu: WHEN WEAKNESS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE.

uu: OR TO SUFFER. FOREVER. UNTIL NO ONE ELSE EXISTS.

uu: WHO IS STRONGER THAN ME.

uu: AND THAT'S YOUR CHOICE TOO.

uu: PAGE HUMAN ENGLISH.

GT: Sakes alive.

GT: That is a bit extreme no?

uu: FOR YOU. PROBABLY EVEN MORE SO.

uu: BECAUSE AS A LOWLY PAGE. AND AS AN EVEN LOWLIER HUMAN. YOU ARE UTTERLY WORTHLESS.

uu: AND SO YOUR TRIALS I BELIEVE MUST INCLUDE. PROVING TO PARADOX SPACE THAT YOU EVEN DESERVE TO EXIST. IN THE FIRST PLACE.

uu: AND WHILE MY TRIALS WILL BE SIMILARLY GRUELING. A LORD'S WORTHINESS IS AT NO POINT EVER IN DOUBT.

uu: HIS NOBILITY IS MANIFEST. SUPREME MASTERY WAITS FOR HIM PATIENTLY. LIKE AN EMPTY THRONE UNDER HEAVY GUARD.

uu: REALITY ALREADY KNOWS I WILL PREVAIL. JUST AS IT KNEW I WOULD PREDOMINATE.

uu: AND SO INEVITABILITY IS ALWAYS ON MY SIDE.

uu: IT IS MY. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT.

uu: BORTHRIGHT?

uu: BORTHRIGHT.

GT: I dont think thats a word.

GT: But hey you are the lord and i am the lowly page.

uu: DAMN STRAIGHT.

uu: NEVER FORGET WHO YOU ARE MEANT TO SERVE.

GT: Now just a minute buddy. Lets not get carried away.

GT: I have no intention of serving you. In fact im not even sure why im still talking to you!

GT: Youre lucky that my manners are impeccable otherwise i would have blocked you already, what with the scandalous way you have characterized my ladyfriends alone.

GT: Its all well and good you think we have some things in common but i wont fall for it!

GT: Maybe its true at times i can be a little slow on the uptake but i will not be sweet talked into doing the bidding for a silver tongued cur!!!

GT: So to you sir lord i must say GOOD DAY.

uu: JAKE.

uu: YOU STUPID SHIT.

uu: HOW CAN YOU BE THIS DUMB.

uu: ALRIGHT. FIRST OF ALL. MY TONGUE IS NOT SILVER. THAT'S VERY CLOSE TO BEING INSULTING TO ME.

GT: Whatever! Look i know you are not the most quickwitted fella either, so i must inform you this is what we call a "figure of speech."

GT: You know. Like if i said you speak with a forked tongue. Not unlike LUCIFER HIMSELF!!!

uu: BUT. I ACTUALLY DO HAVE A FORKED TONGUE.

GT: Oh...

GT: Really?

uu: WAIT IS THAT SERIOUSLY AN INSULT IN YOUR CULTURE? HOW IS THAT INSULTING??

GT: It just means you arent trustworthy, and i should not be lulled by your false promises.

uu: WOW. OK. WOW.

uu: FIRST. NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN IMBECILE. YOU'RE A FUCKING RACIST TOO.

GT: No im not!

uu: JAKE. YOU JUST SAID SOME RACIST SHIT. END OF STORY.

uu: SECOND OF ALL. I'M NOT ASKING YOU FOR A DAMN THING.

uu: AS IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO OFFER ME AT ALL.

uu: THE VERY IDEA THAT YOU COULD IN ANY WAY IMPROVE MY EXISTENCE. IS ALMOST AS OFFENSIVE AS. YOUR FLAGRANT RACISM.

uu: THERE'S NO "DEAL WITH THE DEVIL" BULLSHIT GOING ON HERE.

uu: I'M OFFERING TO HELP YOU. STRICTLY AS A PRO BONO ARRANGEMENT.

uu: MY ASSISTANCE WILL BE. AN UNCONDITIONAL ACT OF BENEVIOLENCE.

GT: Dont you mean benevolence?

uu: NO.

GT: Um. Ok then.

GT: But why do you want to help me?

GT: Is it really just because you relate to me and therefore want me to succeed?

uu: LET'S NOT BE TOO SENTIMENTAL HERE. I MEAN. YEAH. I GUESS THERE'S OUR COMMON GROUND.

uu: BUT WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO. IS GROOM A WORTHY ADVERSARY.

uu: IF I HELP YOU REACH YOUR FULL POTENTIAL. AS A PAGE OF HOPE. YOU COULD BECOME EXTREMELY POWERFUL SOME DAY.

uu: MAYBE EVEN POWERFUL ENOUGH TO POSE A CHALLENGE TO ME. OR MAYBE EVEN ENOUGH TO BEAT ME.

uu: WHEN I SAID "MEANT TO SERVE". SERVE MEANT MORE THAN ONE THING. YOU KNOW. LIKE KICK MY ASS??

uu: WOULDN'T YOU LIKE THAT JAKE? DON'T YOU LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE?

uu: OR MAYBE I HAD YOU WRONG. MAYBE YOU ARE IN FACT A GIRLY MAN. WHO DOES NOT LIKE TO ROUGHHOUSE.

GT: Hey watch it now. Youre DARN TOOTIN i love to roughhouse!!!

uu: EXCELLENT.

uu: THEN OUR COMMITMENT IS SEALED. I WILL HELP YOU REACH YOUR TRUE POTENTIAL.

uu: LET US MARK THIS PLEDGE. WITH A SPECIAL NEW DESKTOP WALLPAPER I HAVE DRAWN FOR YOU.

GT: Huh??

uu: IT IS HOW I ENVISION THE IDEALIZED DEPICTION. OF OUR COLLABORATIVE BROSMANSHIP.

uu: I HAVE BEEN GETTING SO MUCH BETTER LATELY. WITH A LOT OF HARD WORK AS USUAL.

uu: I AM ABLE TO BRING THE MANY SMALL ANGLES MOSTLY UNDER CONTROL. TO SIMULATE THE ILLUSION. OF PHOTO REALISTIC FORMS OF COLOR AND LIGHT.

uu: JAKE. I GIVE YOU.

uu: THE FINE ARTS:

uu: http://tinyurl.com/JAKETHISISUS

GT: Whoa.

GT: Thats uh.

GT: Mighty special.

uu: GO ON. APPLY IT TO YOUR DEVICE.

uu: I WILL WAIT.

GT: Yeah um.

GT: Maybe later?

uu: NO. DO IT NOW.

GT: I dont think i want it to be honest.

GT: No offense its actually just really shitty.

uu: APPLY THE WALLPAPER THIS FUCKING INSTANT YOU CRETINOUS PHILISTINE. OR THE DEAL'S OFF.

GT: Ok fine!

GT: Gad freaking zooks. Just what i need another pushy bro in my life.

GT: This secret training of yours better be worth it!

uu: IT'S NOT TRAINING.

uu: IT'S JUST SOME GUIDANCE FROM A FAR AWAY ALIEN.

uu: I WILL BE YOUR PATRON TROLL. THAT'S LIKE THIS WHOLE THING IN YOUR STORY. HAVING A PATRON TROLL.

GT: But i thought you werent a troll.

uu: OF COURSE I'M NOT A TROLL. TROLLS ARE A KIND OF PESTILENT VERMIN AND THEY SHOULD ALL SUFFER AND DIE.

uu: "PATRON TROLL" IS JUST A PHRASE TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND.

GT: Its not helping me understand though.

GT: Shoudlnt you be a patron cherub if anything?

uu: NO. GOD. DON'T MAKE UP TERMS FOR WHAT I AM. I WILL DO THAT.

uu: I WILL JUST BE YOUR PATRON DUDE.

uu: OR MAYBE. YOUR PATRON MANBRO.

GT: Sounds pretty gay.

uu: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

GT: Whats what?

uu: GAY. WHAT'S GAY YOU IDIOT FUCK.

GT: Oh right.

GT: Forgive me i forget you arent familiar with all of my earth lingo.

GT: Its like...

GT: How do i explain.

GT: You know. Its a rather old fashioned term for being jolly and festive together.

GT: Like "that rollicking time we had scrumming the other eve sure was gay."

uu: I SEE.

uu: THEN YES. YOU ARE CORRECT.

uu: THIS IS GOING TO BE GAY AS HELL.

GT: Oh goody. Just the way i like my hijinks!

GT: So how do we start.

uu: THERE'S NOT MUCH TO THIS.

uu: I JUST TELL YOU SOME SHIT TO DO. AND THEN YOU DO IT.

uu: AND THE ULTIMATE DUMBNESS OF IT ALL IS. YOU PROBABLY WERE GOING TO DO A LOT OF IT ANYWAY.

GT: I was?

GT: How was i going to do the stuff if you didnt tell me to?

GT: You mean i was going to do it like on accident?

uu: NO. THE THING IS. I THINK I WAS ALWAYS GOING TO TELL YOU.

GT: I dont understand.

uu: NEITHER DO I.

GT: Ok then.

GT: Im glad we settled that.

uu: BUT I KIND OF GET IT ON SOME LEVEL.

uu: AS A LORD OF TIME. I THINK I'M GOING TO MASTER TIME. NOT WITH MY BRAIN. WHICH WOULD BE TOO HARD. BUT WITH MY INSTINCTS.

uu: LIKE IN A WAY THAT WORKS WITH MY NATURAL IMPULSES. SUCH AS MY AMBITION. MY WILL TO COMMIT MAYHEM. MY DESIRE TO PUNISH THOSE I DESPISE.

uu: SO IF I WANT YOU TO BECOME STRONG. SO YOU CAN CHALLENGE ME LATER. AND I SEE EVIDENCE. THAT YOU PROBABLY BECOME SUCCESSFUL.

uu: I THINK TO MYSELF. WHY SHOULDN'T I BE THE ONE TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN? IF IT'S GOING TO ANYWAY.

uu: I THINK PART OF MY PERSONAL QUEST. IS TO BECOME AT EASE WITH THE FORCES OF INEVITABILITY.

uu: INEVITABILITY THAT ALL THINGS SHOULD AND WILL FALL IN MY FAVOR. THAT ALL CAUSALITY ANSWERS TO ME. AND THAT ALL OUTCOMES NOT ONLY SERVE ME. BUT CONSIST OF MY BEING.

uu: SO I FEEL THAT. THE MORE I GROW IN POWER.

uu: THE MORE STUFF IT SHOULD TURN OUT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR.

uu: UP TO AND INCLUDING. EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENS.

uu: EVEN IF IT HAS TO BE.

uu: RETROACTIVELY.

GT: Hmmmmm...

GT: Nope!

GT: Dont reckon i understand much of that either.

GT: But i guess im not supposed to. Me not being a time maestro or what have you.

GT: I guess i should be boning up on hope though. What can you tell me about that?

uu: I DON'T KNOW A FUCKING THING ABOUT HOPE.

uu: IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A FORCE OF "UNPARALLELED POWER". BUT REALLY. IT SOUNDS SO LAME.

uu: BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY IT MAKES SENSE THAT IT'S YOUR ASPECT.

uu: YOU STRIKE ME AS A GUY WHO IS LAME ENOUGH. TO HOPE SOMEONE TO DEATH. SO WHY DON'T YOU TELL *ME* ABOUT IT??

GT: Tell you about hope?

GT: Um well its something i think everyone should have in their hearts.

uu: I KNEW IT. YOU JUST SAID.

uu: THE LAMEST POSSIBLE THING.

GT: But i wasnt finished!

uu: FUCK.

GT: Hope to me is all about believing in stuff.

GT: If you believe in stuff then everything feels like its going to turn out ok.

GT: And if you believe in stuff with enough gusto i dare say it imbues that stuff with a pinch more chutzpah. Even the fake stuff!

GT: And then if you keep an open mind and adventurous spirit, that chutzpah flows directly into your heart, and thats when YOU have the power.

GT: So i think if hope grants one the power to smite villainy and vanquish hooligans thats probably where it comes from!

uu: NO.

uu: OH GOD. NO.

uu: THAT IS ACTUALLY THE WORST THING I'VE EVER READ.

uu: THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.

GT: Well THERES your problem dude. You dont want to BELIEVE!

GT: Just let go and believe in things. Then youll find you had the power in you all along.

uu: YOU ARE SO DUMB. I JUST KEEP CAN'T BELIEVING IT. HOW TRULY STUPID YOU ARE.

uu: WHATEVER. FORGET I ASKED.

uu: I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND OUT WHAT HOPE IS REALLY ABOUT. INSTEAD OF THAT INSIPID BULLSHIT.

uu: ONCE YOU BECOME A GOD TIER.

GT: How do i do that?

uu: YOU GO TO PROSPIT. GET ON YOUR QUEST SARSWAPAGUS. AND FUCKING DIE.

GT: Die???

uu: YEAH. YOU OFF YOURSELF WITHOUT HESITATION.

uu: OR FAILING THAT. DUE TO PATHETIC COWARDICE.

uu: YOU WAIT AROUND TO BE SLAIN SERENDIPITOUSLY.

uu: DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I HAVE ALL THIS UNDER CONTROL.

uu: IT'S ONE OF THE WAYS I'M HELPING YOU TO THE TOP.

GT: Ok then. I will choose to believe you.

GT: See what i did there? I just scored a few more hope points!

GT: By strengthening my trust in you as well as our burgeoning friendship.

GT: Oh also, friendship is a HUGE key to being good at hope. I forgot to mention that.

uu: GROAN.

uu: I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL YOU CHALLENGE ME.

uu: SO I CAN BEAT YOU SENSELESS WITH MY CANE.

GT: Me neither!

GT: So you say you will help me be a god tier...

GT: But there are other ways you will help too?

uu: YES.

uu: I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU A GIFT.

uu: IT IS MY JUJU.

GT: Neat!

GT: But what the bejesus is a juju?

uu: I REALLY FIND IT HARD. TO COMPREHEND WHAT SORT OF ASSHOLE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A JUJU IS.

uu: BUT SINCE I AM YOUR PATRON MANBRO. I WILL PUT ASIDE THOSE FEELINGS. AND ATTEMPT TO BE A LITTLE MORE GAY.

GT: That would be hunky dory.

GT: In my view distinguished gentlemen should always strive to be as gay as possible with each other.

uu: AMEN TO FUCKING THAT.

uu: ANYWAY. A JUJU IS A MAGICAL THING. IT HAS NO REAL BEGINNING OR END.

uu: THEY'RE JUST ALWAYS AROUND. THERE FOR YOU.

uu: YOU GROW UP WITH THEM. AND THEY BRING YOU COMFORT. AND YOU NEVER QUESTION THEIR EXISTENCE.

uu: IT'S LIKE SOME OF THE SHIT YOU HAD IN YOUR ROOM AS A KID. EXCEPT NOT USELESS GARBAGE. AND MORE MAGICAL.

uu: THEY ALWAYS HAVE RULES. AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE OWNERS.

uu: YOU CAN TAKE SOMEONE'S JUJU. IF THE OWNER WAS KILLED.

uu: OR IF HE GIVES IT TO YOU FREELY. LIKE I'M DOING.

uu: SO I WILL GIVE YOU THE CODE TO MAKE IT YOURSELF.

uu: ONCE YOU DO. IT SHOULD DISAPPEAR FROM MY CHEST. AND IT WILL NO LONGER BE MINE.

GT: Sounds straight forward enough.

GT: Whats the code?

uu: IT IS:

uu: uROBuROS

uu: BE CAREFUL. THAT IS CASE SENSITIVE.

GT: Ok.

uu: I WOULD TELL YOU THE CODE FOR MY SISTER'S JUJU. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

uu: A WHILE AGO I WENT TO GET HER JUJU. BUT THE FUCKING THING WAS GONE ALREADY.

uu: I THINK THE CRAFTY BITCH ALREADY GAVE IT AWAY.

GT: Hmm.

GT: We could try to guess it maybe?

uu: FORGET IT. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE PROBABLY INFINITE.

GT: Yeah. Youre probably right.

GT: So what sort of magical properties does your juju have?

uu: I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT DOES.

uu: I HAVE NEVER TRIED IT. BECAUSE IT WAS TOO PRECIOUS TO ME.

uu: WHATEVER MINE DOES. MY SISTER'S PROBABLY DOES THE OPPOSITE THING.

uu: BUT WHAT THEY DO INDIVIDUALLY. PALES IN COMPARISON TO WHAT THEY CAN DO TOGETHER.

uu: WHEN COMBINED. THE JUJUS BECOME THE MOST MAGIC THING EVER.

uu: THEY CAN MAKE ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE. AND EVERYTHING THAT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. WILL MAGICALLY FALL INTO PLACE.

GT: Really?

GT: That sounds almost too good to be true.

GT: If you dont even know what your juju does by itself why do you think they do that together?

uu: BECAUSE I BELIEVE IT WITH ALL MY FUCKING HEART. YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT.

GT: Oh why didnt you say so! Thats all i needed to hear!!!

GT: See youre getting the hang of hope already.

uu: YEAH. I GUESS.

uu: THE BOTTOM LINE IS. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

uu: JUST TAKE MY JUJU. HAVE FAITH IN YOUR PATRON DUDE. AND LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME.

GT: Roger that mr lord.

GT: Say. Dont you have a name? We know your sisters name... cant we know yours now too?

uu: NO.

uu: THERE ARE MANY THINGS YOU SHOULDNT KNOW ABOUT ME. FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

uu: IF YOU KNEW THEM. IF YOU EVEN KNEW MY NAME.

uu: YOU WOULD SHIT YOUR PANTS HARDER THAN ANY HUMAN EVER HAS.

uu: SO YOU MAY CONTINUE REFERRING TO ME AS YOUR LORD.

GT: Well i surely dont want to spoil any clean trousers.

GT: Even though your warning sounds a little hyperbolic i will trust you.

GT: Um. My lord.

GT: Heheheh when i call you that people could mistake our conversation for a nefarious and underhanded collusion among felons!

uu: SHUT THE FUCK UP.

GT: As you wish... MY LORD.

GT: HEHEHEHEHEH!

uu: UGH.

GT: So lord. May i ask...

GT: Why are you giving me your juju if it is so dear to you?

GT: Is your commitment to this manbro boypledge of yours really that strong?

GT: If so im really impressed. I would have a really hard time giving my favorite stuff away to a total stranger.

uu: DON'T FLATTER YOURSELF.

uu: THE GESTURE IS RELATIVELY MEANINGLESS. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS.

uu: I HAVE FOUND A NEW JUJU. A MUCH BETTER JUJU.

uu: A JUJU THAT MAKES ALL OTHER JUJUS LOOK LIKE FRIVOLOUS CHILDISH NONSENSE IN COMPARISON.

GT: Yeah? Then that is quite a treasure you found.

GT: Where did you get it? Did you plunder a tomb or such?

uu: SORT OF.

uu: IT WAS EXCAVATED FROM THIS PLANET'S SOIL.

uu: ALONG WITH SOME OTHER ARTIFACTS.

uu: AND GIVEN TO ME.

uu: BY MY INFURIATING ASSHOLE MENTOR.

uu: A MAN WHO IS AN INVINCIBLE CLOWN.

GT: Well that sounds nice of him. He cant be that much of an asshole if he gave you such a nice present can he?

uu: NO, BELIEVE ME. HE CAN.

GT: I had a clown give me a nice present once too. I would never have met my good friend mr erisol without the kindness of that clown.

uu: YEAH. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING CLOWN SOMEHOW.

uu: I'M TELLING YOU. THIS ASSHOLE IS ETERNAL. AND THE BEINGS HE CREATES FOR YOUR PARTY ARE DISGUSTING ABOMINATIONS.

uu: BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO? NOTHING, I HAVE LEARNED. HE'S A CLOWN. THE RULES ARE. CLOWNS CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT. BECAUSE OF MIRACLES. AND HOLD NO ACCOUNTABILITY FOR THEIR DEEDS.

uu: I DON'T LIKE IT. BUT THOSE ARE THE RULES.

GT: So whats this juju he gave you?

uu: SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL.

uu: A WONDERFUL LITTLE FALSE MAN.

uu: AND THE IRONY IS. I HAVE SEEN HIM BEFORE.

uu: BUT I REGARDED HIM WITH SUSPICION AND FEAR.

uu: I WAS A FOOL THOUGH. I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE SPECIAL BOND WITH HIM THAT I HAD.

uu: BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE A CHANCE. TO GAZE SOULFULLY INTO HIS BEAUTIFUL EYES.

uu: AND COMMUNE WITH THE DOLL. IN A PERSONAL AND INTIMATE WAY.

GT: Gosh...

GT: That might just be the gayest thing ive ever heard.

uu: THANK YOU.

uu: YOUR HUMAN CONCEPT OF GAYNESS. ADEQUATELY DESCRIBES THE FEELINGS I HAVE. WHEN I EMBRACE MY PERFECT FLOPPY LITTLE MAN.

uu: THE THING IS. I UNDERSTAND HIM MORE NOW.

uu: BEFORE I THOUGHT HE WAS A CURSED VESSEL OF MISFORTUNE. WHICH SEEMED EERILY EMPTY TO ME.

uu: HE WAS HOLLOW. NOT YET FILLED WITH BAD JUJU.

uu: AND LOOKING IN HIS EYES NOW. I SEE. THAT I WAS RIGHT. ALMOST.

uu: HE IS EMPTY RIGHT NOW. BUT A JUJU FOLLOWS A LONG AND WINDING PATH ON ITS ETERNAL JOURNEY.

uu: AND HE WILL NOT BE EMPTY FOREVER.

uu: SOMEWHERE ALONG HIS JOURNEY.

uu: IN SOME WAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND YET.

uu: HE WILL STOP BEING EMPTY.

uu: AND HIS CURSE WILL COME TO LIFE.

uu: AND WHEREVER HE GOES. TO WHATEVER UNIVERSE OR PLANE OF REALITY.

uu: ALL WHO EXIST THERE. WILL EXPERIENCE NOTHING BUT MISERY AND DEATH.

uu: YOU SEE. THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN A CURSED JUJU.

uu: WHICH IS WHY I WAS SO NERVOUS ABOUT HIM BEFORE.

uu: BUT ALL ALONG. THERE WAS NOTHING FOR ME TO FEAR.

uu: BECAUSE NOW I KNOW. THROUGH INTENSIVE COMMUNION WITH THIS PRECIOUS MYSTICAL PUPPET.

uu: THAT THE CURSE WHICH WILL BLOSSOM IN HIS FLUFFY HEART. WILL DO SO.

uu: BECAUSE OF ME!

uu: I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.

uu: BUT WHEN I LOOK DEEP INTO HIS EYES.

uu: I CAN FEEL HIM OUT THERE.

uu: IN LATER STAGES OF HIS LIFE.

uu: BY WHICH I MEAN.

uu: I CAN FEEL *MYSELF*.

uu: THROUGH HIM SOMEHOW.

uu: AS IF MY ESSENCE WILL ONE DAY BECOME.

uu: ENTANGLED WITH THE VOID.

uu: AND THEN MYSTERIOUSLY ACCESSIBLE.

uu: THROUGH MY SOFT HAPPY PAL.

uu: AND ALL THOSE ALONG THE WAY.

uu: WHO HE DEEMS WORTHY.

uu: OF ACCEPTING INTO HIS CUSTODY.

uu: IF THEY SHOULD DARE TO FONDLY GAZE.

uu: INTO HIS SPARKLING BABY BLUES.

uu: THEY WILL BE PEERING THROUGH THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WINDOWS.

uu: INTO MY HIDEOUS SOUL.

[notanacousticsetcal]

betty - calum hood

summary - a story based off of the song betty by taylor swift -- one of my absolute favorites from folklore and the most beautiful little story :) (y/n) in the role of the icon betty. 

warnings - cheating

word count - 3k ish

mood board

a/n - check out the other 3 installments of the song series too! this piece is kind of out of the blue because I actually started it and finished it today which is extremely rare for me but I actually really like how it turned out. hope you guys do too. :) (def listen to this song -- its amazing). (btw this isnt the calum fic i was referencing in one of my previous posts, that one is still in the works.)

Betty, I won't make assumptions about why you switched your homeroom, but I think it's 'cause of me.

Calum sat in the back row, staring at Missy Grenshaw’s head feeling the hole in his chest grow larger. He glanced at your empty seat and frowned, his eyebrows scrunched together. 

He heard Mrs. Martin start attendance and when she skipped over your name, the hole grew impossibly larger. 

Calum tried to convince himself you switched because Mrs. Martin was a hard grader, but he knew that wasn’t the real reason.

He knew it was because you couldn’t stand to see his face. 

Betty, one time I was riding on my skateboard when I passed your house. It's like I couldn't breathe.

Calum listened to the sound of a distant lawn mower and the rustling leaves and inhaled the smell of someone barbecuing in their backyard, trying to calm himself. He almost turned around and went home, his stomach grumbling at the idea of dinner waiting for him on the dining room table, but he didn’t. 

He was only a block away from your house now. He pretended like he was riding down your street because it had the smoothest road, but Calum couldn’t lie to himself. Just knowing your room was in that house and knowing you might be sitting on your bed was enough to draw Calum near. 

He didn’t let himself stop in front of the brick fronted modest house, but he wanted to. His legs ached as he kept pushing. He secretly hoped the sound of his wheels would draw you to the window. He held his breath in anticipation, but nothing. Not even a subtle shift in the curtains. 

You heard the rumors from Inez. You can't believe a word she says most times, but this time it was true. The worst thing that I ever did was what I did to you.

“(Y/n)!” A familiar voice chirped from behind you. You turned on your heel to face your friend, Inez. She was your source of gossip always, even if it was almost always speculation and barely ever accurate. 

You weren’t expecting her sad features -- it alarmed you. “Are you alright, Inez? What happened?” You linked arms with her as you continued forward, heading for first period.

She nodded softly. “You aren’t going to want to hear this, (y/n).”

But if I just showed up at your party, would you have me? Would you want me? Would you tell me to go fuck myself or lead me to the garden? In the garden would you trust me if I told you it was just a summer thing? I'm only seventeen, I don't know anything but I know I miss you.

Calum tossed the tennis ball up and caught it. He laid on his bed, absentmindedly continuing to toss the ball up and down, his mind plagued with thoughts about you.

Your birthday was a week away. Calum let his mind wander off in endless possibilities. 

He knew how much he had hurt you and the guilt ate at him constantly. A day didn’t go by that he didn’t beat himself up for being so stupid. 

Nothing was worth more to him than your happiness and he knew that now. He would do anything in his power to fix what he broke, if you’d let him.

He wondered how you would react if he showed up on your doorstep that evening, a bundle of flowers in hand and an apologetic smile on his face. 

He wondered if you’d slam the door in his face and ignore his knocks and desperate pleas. 

Or if you’d hesitantly let him come inside, your guard up, and lead him to the garden to talk alone. If you’d let him ramble on about how stupid he was. About how badly he messed up.

About how much he fucking missed you. 

Your soft smile and your positive, bright disposition and your generosity and selflessness. The way your eyes squinted when you laughed and the way your hair smelled. 

Calum really fucking missed you.

But he knew he didn’t really deserve a second chance. And he was asking a lot begging for one. But he thought he at least had to try.

Or this mistake would haunt him for the rest of his life. 

Betty, I know where it all went wrong, your favorite song was playing from the far side of the gym. I was nowhere to be found, I hate the crowds, you know that. Plus, I saw you dance with him.

Calum walked into the school alongside you, your hand in his and a bright smile on your face. You loved dances and seeing all your friends dressed up -- Calum felt claustrophobic, but he would do anything to keep that smile on your face, so he tagged along anyway.

Immediately, you tugged him towards the dance floor and he followed hesitantly. After only a few moments on the dance floor, Calum excused himself to the sidelines. He watched your expression fall, but you understood. You would never pressure him into anything he was uncomfortable with.

Calum felt like he could finally breathe properly from the edges of the gym.

He watched solemnly as the DJ began to play your favorite song. Your features lit up and Calum couldn’t help but smile, too. He wished he could go in there and dance with you but just the thought of being squished in between so many people made his pulse speed up and his palms sweaty.

He watched Dean approach you, clearly nervous, and his hands turned to fists. Calum had half a mind to go over there and punch him square in the face. 

Calum knew he couldn’t do that, but he had fun imagining it.

Dean grabbed your waist, pulling you close, and Calum’s heart practically stopped.

He couldn’t take anymore, so with one last glance at your soft smile, Calum stalked off in an angry blur.

Calum knew if he had just asked, you would’ve reassured him it was only a dance.

Calum knew if he had just asked, everything wouldn’t have gone the way it did. 

I was walking home on broken cobblestones just thinking of you when she pulled up like a figment of my worst intentions. She said "James, get in, let's drive,” those days turned into nights. Slept next to her but I dreamt of you all summer long.

The sun beat down on Calum’s back and he couldn’t wait to get home. He’d run out of water long ago, riding his skateboard in the early summer heat. 

He stumbled home, skipping happily over cracks in the concrete, skateboard in hand. 

He thought about seeing you after dinner. Taking you to your favorite tree and watching the stars. Or… looking at you while you looked at the stars. He thought about the way you danced with Dean. He still hadn’t told you how much it bothered him so he just let the resentment boil up until it stung the back of his throat.

Calum heard tires screech next to him, a familiar face in the driver's seat. Her red lipstick shimmered in the direct sunlight. Her sunglasses reflected Calum’s awestruck face. 

“Calum, get in. Lets drive,” She said. Her lips quirked up into an inviting smile and Calum swayed hesitantly. “Aw, come on. I’ll drive you home.” 

Calum looked around at the neighborhood once more, checking for witnesses, and then finally climbed into the silver convertible. As soon as he got in, his heart fluttered with guilt. His eyes filled with images of you, hurting, and he almost got out. Almost.

There was Dean again, haunting Calum through memories, smiling down at you, holding you. Calum gripped his skateboard harder, his knuckles growing white.

Her voice was so inviting and her car smelled so nice. The air conditioning hit Calum’s warm skin and soothed it instantly. Calum stayed. 

Calum didn’t just stay, though. He could’ve forgiven himself for that. 

Betty, I'm here on your doorstep and I planned it out for weeks now but It's finally sinking in. Betty, right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again. The only thing I wanna do is make it up to you. 

Calum tossed and turned in his sleep, getting more and more frustrated with the nerves. He would face you tomorrow. It would determine the outcome of everything he had been wondering and worrying about for weeks. 

Tomorrow meant everything. He had one last night to drift into dreams about how you might react. The forgiveness or resentment. The smile or the tears. The hug or the shove. 

He drifted to sleep with images of you playing in his mind. In your favorite sweater, his hand in yours. 

Calum hoped with everything in him that you could see past his stupid mistake. But he prepared himself for the worst. You didn’t owe him anything. 

So, I showed up at your party. Yeah, I showed up at your party. Yeah, I showed up at your party. Will you have me? Will you love me? Will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends? If you kiss me, will it be just like I dreamed it? Will it patch your broken wings? I'm only seventeen. I don't know anything, but I know I miss you.

Calum straightened out his button down and shifted the flowers, watching a few stray petals fall loose and hit the pavement of your porch. He cleared his throat and listened anxiously while his heart pounded ferociously in his ear. 

He could faintly hear commotion from within the confines of your home but he couldn’t make out anything they were saying.

His shaky hand extended towards the dark wood door and he knocked twice.

Cars were parked a block or two down the street -- all of your friends had already arrived.

Calum could lie and say he meant to be the last person, but in reality, he sat in his car for 30 minutes gathering up the nerve to come over there.

He could see multicolored balloons lining the walls inside. He watched as a figure appeared through the window, the tint making the figure only a silhouette. 

The door began to open and Calum thought for a moment about running, but it was too late. Before he knew it, he was face to face with you again. For the first time in 2 months, you were looking at him and he was looking at you.

He watched as confusion and shock filled your eyes, and then disappeared, filling with pure curiosity. He didn’t notice any anger yet. 

“Calum?” Your voice was like sugar. Calum’s knees felt weak.

“Yeah, hi (y/n).” Calum coughed. “Happy birthday.”

There were a million things Calum wanted to say and that wasn’t necessarily at the top of his list. He mentally face palmed. Your eyebrows knit together. “Thank you?” You looked down at the bouquet of flowers in his hand. “Are those for me?” 

Calum looked down at the flower he almost forgot he was holding, too lost in your eyes to care about anything else. “Oh, yes. Yeah.” He stumbled, holding them out to you.

You took them without a word. 

“So um…” Calum started, wringing out his sweaty hands. “I was hoping I could talk to you for a minute.”

You turned around for a moment towards the chatter coming from the kitchen and then turned back to face him with a sigh. “Why should I say yes?” You didn’t look angry… just tired. 

Calum scratched the back of his neck anxiously. “You don’t owe me anything, I know that. I was hoping to apologize, if you’d let me. I know that I’m the biggest idiot on the planet and I broke your heart and there's no way I can go back and undo that, but I owe it to you to at least try to fix what I broke. You don’t have to let me, though. I wouldn’t be mad if you cursed me out or slapped me or slammed the door in my face. I deserve it. I hurt you, and I suck for that.” He took a deep breath staring at the ground.

Your eyes softened and you sighed. “Come on.” You grabbed Calum’s hand and tugged him into the house, shutting the door softly behind him.

Calum followed your lead as you stepped through the back door into the garden.

You’d planted more of the flowers you told him about months ago and Calum thought your vision was really coming to life. You pulled him to a small metal table in the corner and sat down.

Calum looked around again, taking in all you’d accomplished since you two last spoke. “It looks beautiful, (y/n).”

You sighed, proudly admiring the shrubs and greenery that surrounded you. “I needed something to take my mind off things so I kind of poured my soul into it.” You fiddled with your rings.

Calum knew he was what you needed to take your mind off of and that made him feel even worse. “What I did to you… it was unforgivable. It’s the worst thing I’ve ever done. I betrayed your trust and I hurt you in the worst way imaginable. That girl… it was nothing. It meant nothing.”

Calum watched you carefully as you took this in. Again, you didn’t look angry or sad — just emotionally drained. Numb. “I just… I guess I kinda just wanna know why. Was I… was I not enough?” Calum watched the tears well up that threatened to spill over and down your rosy cheeks.

He shook his head instantly. “No, no. Of course not. I spent a lot of time thinking about it because at first I didn’t even know. But I think I was just… jealous.”

You scoffed. “Jealous?” Calum blushed. “But of who?”

Calum inhaled deeply, prepared to completely embarrass himself. If it meant getting back on good terms with you. “Dean,” he muttered.

You couldn’t help but laugh. And not just chuckle — really laugh. “Dean? Dean Marshall. You were jealous of Dean Marshall?” You put a hand over your mouth to stifle the laughter. It felt nice to laugh after so many weeks of pain. 

Calum rolled his eyes playfully. “Yes, Dean Marshall. When he danced with you at the formal I was pissed.”

You stopped laughing, seeing the hurt in Calum’s soft features.

“You didn’t really think I was interested in him?... Did you?” You asked.

Calum looked down, playing with a loose thread on his trousers.

You let out a heavy sigh. “Oh, Cal. I never had any feelings for Dean.”

“Deep down, I did know that. It was some petty revenge thing in my head. I should’ve just voiced my pain and I know you would’ve reassured me. I was so dumb. I’ve never regretted anything so much in my life.” Calum finished with an exasperated breath and you smiled at his passion.

“Do you want to come in for cake, Cal?” 

Calum’s eyes shot up to read your face. You couldn’t be serious. You laughed at his eagerness and joy. “I would love to come in for cake,” Calum said easily.

You grabbed his hand, guiding him towards the back door and inside.

You ignored the series of gasps from your unsuspecting friends and found Calum a seat around the table. Nobody asked questions. They just smiled. If you were happy and safe, then they were happy too.

After some time, the sun was nearing the horizon and friends were bidding their goodbyes.

Calum hadn’t taken his eyes off you all night.

Your stomach tingled in anticipation whenever you caught his gaze.

Calum got a text from his mom saying she needed him home, so he begrudgingly headed for the door, his hand in yours.

“Happy birthday, again,” he whispered in your ear. 

“Thank you for coming today. It must’ve taken a lot of guts.” You laughed at Calum’s expression.

“You have no idea. But I'm so glad I did it.” He looked down at you fondly and you felt as if your knees might give out.

Before you could stop and think about the consequences, you were leaning closer and so was he.

Your noses barely brushed and the air around you was heating. It felt like everything between you two was leading up to this very moment — this very kiss. 

He stooped down a little lower, pressing his lips gently onto yours. You felt a rush of emotions. You had missed him all this time. You felt ready to try again - slowly building a mutual trust between you two again.

His lips folded over yours at a steady pace. It was soft and not rushed. It was perfect.

When he pulled away, your lips tingled at the absence of his. 

You were startled by the sudden applause.

You friends had gathered in the hall and watched the entire thing. You hid your face in Calum’s shoulder.

Standing in your cardigan. Kissing in my car again. Stopped at a streetlight, you know I miss you.

You slipped into Calum’s car and he smiled fondly. He hadn’t been this happy in so long.

You grabbed his sweater -- the one that had once been yours -- and felt it between your fingers. “You still have this old thing?” 

He smiled, his cheeks glowing a faint pink. He looked adorable with his curls tumbling down across his forehead. “It smells like you.”

You planted a gentle kiss on his cheek.

He had missed you. But he didn’t have to anymore.

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

So my life has gone to shit.. I dont trust anybody anymore, and honest to god I cant help but keep thinking of ways to end it. My mom keeps telling me how to feel about this whole thing, that I should be grateful that i got in finally to see a specialist. Reality is I dont even trust those subhuman animals anymore, and frankly they're gonna have to earn my trust. After 4 fucking years, my life, my future being ruined. My mental health going downhill, all for the second time now. Add on to that, I dont get any meds for the pain so this has pushed me into addiction now for a second time. I've been dehumanized and humiliated, treated with nothing but the utmost disrespect while being stigmatized for being mentally ill, transgender and a recovering addict for most of it. They ignored me for 4 years, my body is damaged, and frankly help just might have came too little too late. I wont just suffer through the next one, the next time this happens I'm gonna end my life, my suffering on my own god damn terms. Atleast I still have control over that..

Fuck the canadian healthcare system. Some days I honestly just want to start selling drugs, and fly to a country where I can just pay to play and get the best care in the god damn world. Cause 4 years now I've been telling them to refer me to a specialist, I've been telling them that it's probably crohns or some other GI issue. They need to do a colonoscopy and a scope to find it, so that's what I would ask for. I would never get it, so i more or less gave up on the healthcare system. They would leave me on the floor thrashing in pain for hours. Treating me like a drug addict in withdrawal when I didnt even have any opioids in my system. I would be lucky if I got an IV for fluids, and even more lucky if they pumped me full of a bunch of over the counter drugs and others that didnt work like gravol, tauridol, buscopan, zofran, and haliperidol. I would tell them each time, that this was the hundredth time they tried gravol, and it doesnt help people when they're screaming in pain. They treat the nausea. Its bullshit because I am in so much pain that its making me nauseous and until they get rid of the pain, the vomiting is just gonna continue. They always treat me like I'm full of shit, and when I turn out to be right and continue puking, thrashing and screaming in pain, they just get angry at the fact they were wrong. Our doctors and nurses are a bunch of sociopathic, apathetic adult children who in my experience take pleasure in watching you suffer. The worse I get the more they smile. They are so stupid, blind almost because if their stupid fucking machine says I'm ok then I guess it's all in my head. They only think that theres nothing wrong with me because theyve only ever done a blood test or an xray. Never ever once have they done a single test that would have found the issue, crohns cant be found just on a blood test. The emergency room doctors think it can be, my family doctor and everybody else I've talked to says otherwise.

On January 1st I was having another flare up, and they shoved me in the psych observation room because they genuinely didnt want to deal with me. They ignore me, and I keep going in because I want help. I dont want to end up relapsing again cause I cant take the god damn pain! But nope, I get treated like a crazy person now.. they did it against my will. And they even tried to take my phone and my keys. I was puking constantly, I needed water to keep hydrated and they left me for 4 hours, locked in, no meds, no help or nothing. So I just cracked.. I had nothing to barf in, to wipe my nose with, or to wipe the cold sweat off me. So I puked in every corner of that room, I puked beside the bed especially because a mop wouldnt fit in there. I pissed in the corner, I would hack up some phlegm and spit it all over the floors and walls, I blew snot rockets on every surface too! After a while some nurse came in and gave me a barf bag. I threw it on the floor and just continued to puke over every hard surface in the place. I was puking every 5 seconds I swear, and the doctor finally came in at 3 hours and 15 minutes. At 3.5 hrs they give me two pills. I straight up tell them there is no point in even taking them. I couldnt even keep water down and these people are stupid enough to make me take pills? Come on. You need to hold it in for atleast an hour to see even the most minimal affects. I was puking every 5 seconds, to the point that I puked before I took the pills, and I puked them out the moment after I swallowed. They had given me a fucking gravol tab, and some Ativan, the latter of which I couldnt even hold under my tongue long enough. I barfed it onto the floor when it was half dissolved. They come back with this clear liquid shit in a shot glass. I swallowed it right after I puked. The liquid burned my insides, and i puked that shit out even quicker. I asked them to give me IV medications for that exact reason, I always ask for IV medications cause its literally a waste of your time and mine to just pump me full of pills when I can't keep them down and they hurt my tummy as they dissolve. They tell me to just "breathe deeply and relax" and to "just try jayden, you gotta try", so then I try, and when they end up being wrong, and I can't take shit. They end up saying that I'm manipulating, that I'm drug seeking or I'm not trying hard enough to make it work. Absolute bullshit, over the course of 4 years I have quite literally told them what to do. I have multiple family members with this disease, and my grandmother was ignored like this too. She told me to ask them for a colonoscopy and a scope, and to ask them to treat the pain, not the nausea cause the pain literally causes the nausea. The sooner the pain is gone the sooner I can be normal and tell them what's going on. Instead I'm left to suffer in the worst pain a human being can feel. I get treated like shit and told it's all in my head. I gave up on getting a diagnosis in year two. I just want to shoot dope whenever the pain comes. Dope atleast takes it away, after all they would be giving me some of the strongest shit they have at the hospital if I was some boomer with a sprained ankle. It would take the pain away. Thats for sure. Being a mentally ill, drug using, autistic tranny they just see that. I get nothing. No help, no answers, not even some relief when my screaming can be heard far and wide.

I want to die right now, and I keep trying to think of a painless way to do it.. buying $400 worth of street fentanyl and slipping into a nice, peaceful opioid coma seems like a wonderful idea right now.. that would end the fucking suffering atleast..

I wont be wearing a colostomy bag. Colostomy bags arent sexy, they are fucking disgusting and you cant just be body positive when you have a fucking bag full of your own shit hanging off you, and your only way of having penetrative sex sewed up permanently and taken away from me. Not like I could even be a decent fuck for anybody at this point anyways. Its painful to shit, let alone anything else. I dont want to give up food either. I love food, food is literally my life and the only way I have to bond with certain people! Like my family for example. Nothing makes me just want to slip.into that coma more then the worry of the future.

Will I be sitting at a family gathering eating bland gluten free, dairy free, all organic 100% vegan fair trade horse shit on a plate while my family actually gets to enjoy the food I used to be able to eat? Moms spaghetti, grandmas meat pies, the baked goods, fresh tomatoes out of my garden and others. A good fucking steak even? Cause honestly a birthday isnt a birthday if I dont have my birthday meal.

I know for a fact my body is damaged from 4 years of suffering. I used to bounce back, now it takes the wind out of my sails for a month.

Needless to say, I just want to fucking die more then anything else. Positivity and anything I love is gone, and all that I have left is knowing that Alberta health services, coast mountain health services, providence health services, and interior health services have all fucked me in the biggest way humanely possible. So thankful for free fucking healthcare!!

You get what you bloody well pay for!!

[avellanas-nutty-empire]

Every day I hate the usa even more than the last

(This is a vent, ignore if u want)

When people were talking about the recent supreme court members death, I thought it would all be fine. I dont know literaly anything about them, and I generally dont understand my own emotions enough to grieve for someone like that.

But I went on instagram

And all the posts made me feel as though I'm being crushed by a mixture of negative emotions I rarely feel like this. Negative emotions so powerful and raw I feel I'm being literally crushed.

I feel as if I'm being literally crushed.

This is especially the worst since I dont understand my own emotions enough to heal from the pain and resolve them and move on from them properly. I'm stuck. These will forever linger, fractions of being healed, ready to crush me another time.

I made a lil angst post thing for Anna of my ABC girls oc's in which she also suffers from the inability to understand her own emotions. But in reality, that's just a fragment reflection of me. Except the details are solidified - a peace of mind I fear I will never have.

Trump is the third president to ever become impeached, and that alone says a fuck ton. He tries to build a wall, that would damage the ecosystem, solve nothing, and waist money. Then he does next to nothing about covid, using China as an escape goat while a ton of other countries handle it all much better than he does. Then the west coast fires get practically ignored. I have a suit case packed just for fucks sake because if theres one thing 2020 taught me, it's that shit can and will get worse REAL fast. I've been living with yellow smokey ash skies for the past few weeks and this morning at 4am, it rained a good rain for the first time long before the fires started. I was excited and happy for it. It even rained recently AGAIN while I was at work. It gave me hope. Hope that has swiftly been crushed.

Even if the fires get solved, the govornment will not. Trump holds his place in office like a tyrant, bragging about fighting for more terms in office than legally possible. Covid is still a thing, no matter how less officials have cranked down on social distancing. Other countries are out there PAYING people to stay inside. But everyone in the states will just complain and shut down that idea because "oh, we dont have the funds for it. The country is in enough debt already" yeah. Why are you building a wall then. Trump has SIGNIFICANTLY raised that debt since he joined office. Why are we letting a man who has his own history or bankruptcy on SEVERAL occasions be president? Our debt should be going down, not up.

The usa likes to preach to high heavens that it's the best country when in fact, its super NOT. And THATS one of the big problems. Much like a racist insisting "I'm not racist, it's just a joke" or something simular, no progress is gonna get made. People just get mad when our poor countries quality gets pointed out and refuse to see the truth. Then they look back over the constitution written over 100 years ago and recite it like the bible for worshiping practice.

We need to rewrite our constitution like MANY other countries have done SEVERAL times, and stop worrying about what a dead person MEANT when PURPOSLY being vague when writing the constitution because it was supposed to be open for change. But nothing about the United states is open for change. This country needs to get off its fucking high horse, and I need to move to canada

Except that's WAY easier said than done. I want to teach high school math, but I'm p sure you need a degree in french to teach ANYWHERE in canada (especially Quebec, but that's on the other side of the country so I think I'm good). I SUCK at learning vocab and had a hard enough time with my 2 years of spanish class. How am I supposed to get a degree in french?

The college I'm attending has study abroad programs I could participate in, and I have considered transferring to a canadian college if mine doesnt become in person soon, but god knows when that's gonna actually become possible again. I want to do in depth research on teaching requirements and scout out schools in canada and talk with my college supervisor and stuff about it all, but theres no point untill covid ends. I would say to just cross that bridge when I come to it, but the land behind me is rapidly disappearing faster than I can aproach the bridge.

Besides, isnt the canadian boarder still closed? What about my job down here? I dont have money to move to canada. And I dont have the confidence to do it because my mom hindered my progress in becoming a fully functioning adult who can leave the house without a backpack full of shit I wont actually need unless I'm roughing it in the wilderness. What college would even accept me and allow me to transfer my current credits anyways?

All I know is the United States of america is a toxic country that is bad for my health, and I am not ok.

[letsspringintoaction]

Fairy Heralds

The following is just collection of brain activities that are only just kinda sticking together to form thoughts and ideas. Shower/alone thoughts if you will. Sorry for the wall of text, I just felt like typing alot. Also I'm terrible with coming up with names so, yeah there is that. Four seasons, four fairies, one to herald in and to some extent represent each season. Lily of course, is the herald of spring, and is most active and well liked, easily the happiest of the bunch. During her season everyone welcomes her arrival and often gives their praise. Even though she can go overboard with the excitement sometimes, people usually look past that for the joy and good times that she brings. Lily in turn has the best relationships with other people, and is happy to go where she needs to make sure that spring is brought to everyone. I've gone on about Lily plenty of times so I'll just move onto the other three. insert name here Is the herald of summer. While she isn't as vocal as Lily is, She is still quite proud of bringing in her season. Aside from days of high heat or humidity, people tend to treat her fairly well, or otherwise just ignore her. She is the most fairy like of the four to simplify it down. She'll prank people, go about thinking her own logic, dabbling in a bit of magic for fun. If a fairy does it, Insert name here will do it. As such she has the best relationships with her fellow fairy folk. She is about as tall as Lily, if not slightly taller or a bit shorter. Also can't get the idea out of my mind that she wears glasses, so I guess she wears glasses. I wouldn't say she is the smartest fairy ever but can easily say she has a better head on her shoulders than most. I admit she is the least defined in my head, though most ideas often lead to her being interested in magic, often trying to cast spells of all kinds, with often mixed results. Also see her hanging out in Yuuka's land alot. One other thing she found that she is really good at is imitating certaint insect noises, her favorite to do is the cicada cry, often going to places where cicada’s shouldn’t be and doing the cry. Insert name here Is the herald of Autumn. She is easily the smallest of the four season heralds by a good margin, Not helped that Lily and Summer Herald are some of the tallest fairies, coming up to roughly around their waists. Given her smaller size she often completely buries herself in the fallen leaves, with only tips of her wings and headgear sometimes poking out. She feels a great deal of safety in her piles, as to her she sees the world as quite the scary place. Yes there is the harvest in early fall, which brings about a good amount of joy, but after that the rest of her season is about everything around her shutting down or just dying off completely. Her relationships with most people are more on the negitive side at worst, neutral at best. With everything going dormant and the land getting a tad more dangerous, people dont like to be reminded of these facts while they are happening, While most are not openly hostile towards here, they make it clear that they are just waiting for her to leave, leading Insert name here to mostly by herself alot of the time. Couple these interactions along with many of the stories that happen during the autumn leaning more towards the spooky side of things, This has warped her perception of her own season to an extent. She is afraid of the world around her, her mind often warping what she sees into more twisted and scary looking versions of even harmless things. She fears that with what Autumn does to the world, that anyone she would hang out with for an extended period of time would just wilt up and soon die like everything else. An not unfounded fear in her mind thanks to her ability to announce autumn, things almost instantly entering their fall seasonal state when she does so. She would most likely eventually never leave her safety leaf pile due to these fears of the constantly scary world around her if the two other prominent Autumn figures found her, that being the Aki sisters. Given that Insert name here Heralded in the season they are most active in, they kind of took her under their wing, more so letting her hang around them than say, adopting her. Showing her that the world isnt as scary of a place that she thought. Insert name here enjoyed burying herself in the leaves Shizuha kicks down from the trees, and when not doing that will often be clinging to Minoriko in some fashion. While she can still fall into a frightened state of mind when scared, seeing the world once more as that twisted place thats dying around here, finding a spot she feels safe and thinking of the Aki's actions and words towards her can bring her back to a proper mind state. insert name here is the herald of winter. She is by far the loneliest of the four. Not helped with her bad relationships with the people, The coldness and the dangers of the winter season are things people do not like to be reminded of, as such they actively shoo Insert name here away, believing that if she leaves the winter effects of the area will be eased. They are not fully wrong, as like with all the other heralds and their seasons, where ever she goes, winter does intensify. Not even her fellow fairy kind care for her that much, though they are more neutral than hateful, as most fairies dont care for the winter, it limiting the actions many of them can do. And with the scarcity of other cold or winter themed/aligned fairies and she hasn't found someone who is a fully winter figure like how the Aki's are for autumn, Insert name here Really does see herself as alone in the world, the only representation of winter in Gensokyo. This in turn has lead to a festering malicious feeling towards the other people growing in her mind, often just going to people who upset her just to spite them and make their winter day just that tad bit worst. After all if they dont care for her, why should she care for them? After all they all see winter as a bad time, she is just giving them what they expect after all. Atleast thats what she thinks, in reality this just comes out as doing more mean and harmful pranks than the average fairy would, such as finding patches of ice on the path and covering them in thin layers of snow, or finding steeper dips in the land and covering over the top in a small bridge of snow that would collapse upon anyone stepping on it. None of this is helped by the fact that the season after hers is spring, and seeing just how much everyone loves that season as well Lily herself being so well liked, when compared to what she and her season is treated like, has only fueled these thoughts further. She wants to do something about this but isn't sure what she could do, or how she could do it. Ideas range from eliminating winter all together so she just wouldn't have to deal with it anymore, or making it so winter lasted all year long so others would have to like it as the best season by default, leaning more towards the latter after further thinking from her.

[ace-pervert]

Ive finished watching eleven seasons of rupauls drag race and now feel I am ready to briefly review each season

S1: A good start though it must be said, ONGINA WAS ROBBED! Also there was favoritism.

S2: Not a bad season but at least somewhat ruined by Rupauls rather overt favoritism towards Tyra and dislike of Pandora. While I didnt like Tyra on the show his callout of the entire drag community after leaving drag has given me massive respect for him and feels like karma for RuPauls rather blatant self promotion and attempts to turn himself into some kind of rolemodel. But aside from the callout and Jujube, and Pandora the season is unmemorable.

S3: The top three were all highly skilled and the winner seemed to deserve it though that was later put into doubt after it came to light that Raja had worked with RuPaul before the show aired, and lets be honest Manilla Luzon was much more talented.

S4: One of the best seasons in drag race history, has the best music video, and Sharron Needles is hands down the most influential and versatile queen in drag race history. The only bad part, aside from the editing against phi phi, is Latrice Royal, who, and I feel this needs to be said, wouldnt have been in the top four had Willam stayed, and certainly wouldnt have made top five if Alaska had been allowed to join, mostly because she kept showing a similar outfit, her not being a particularly good actor, being thrown off really easily, and quickly relying on a shtick.

S5: Good season, but I feel that Roxxxy really did end up in the top three only because Visage and Ru love drama and the Jersey Shore look that was at the time Roxxxy Andrews trademark look, and the Coco Alyssa drama was really dull, neither deserved to be as high as ended up, and ultimately both queens are unmemorable.

S6: Not a bad season but i'm not a fan of Courtney Act or miss Lake, mostly because I think they both get away with looks that really they shouldnt have gotten away with, though arguable so did Bendelacreme. Though it was nice that there wasnt any drama, and Bianca del Rio is really funny.

S7: Ive tried to come up with words to describe this season, I cant, its just that bad. No not bad just dull, really dull and awkward, and the worst part is that its not the queens who drag the season down, the queens themselves are fine and Pearl stands out as being a particularly interresting person when not on drag race, its RuPaul being a tool off camera and coming up with challenges that play to the queens weaknesses rather strengths.

S8: Unfortunately I found Bob the Drag Queen so attractive out of drag that I stopped caring about what he looked like in drag with the end result being that I have no idea if hes a good drag queen. But ignoring the moments where I was drooling over Bob it was a good season with some truly great outfits,and a good Snatch Game, that wether for good or bad did very quickly become the Bob the drag queen and Kim Chi show, making it in hindsight the second most plann

S9: The season started off with an appearance by Lady Gaga , whose reviews of the outfits consisted of little more than name dropping and not much else, unintentionally setting the tone for a dull and awkward season with a cheerleading challenge that causes one person to crack a rib and another to almost permanently lose their ability to dance, a Reality Star Rusical that is well just dull, painfully bad lipsinks, uninterresting outfits, and perhaps the blandest wierd drag queen in the history of the competition. Its also in this season that introduced the lipsink for the crown format that I personally despise as it takes the power away from the viewers and puts it back in Rupauls hand.

S10: Solid season, mostly focused on returning contestant Eureka but the other contestants are given enough focus that it feels natural. The challenges are interresting to watch, the snatchgame is funny, and the dresses are well made. The top four are all stars in their right and the winner of that season could have easily been any of them, making this the only season where a lipsink for the crown made sense.

S11: Starts off strong with people like Miss Vanjie, Brooke Lynne Hytes, Nina West and Yvie Oddly revealing a high degree of skill both as actors and as dress makers. Unfortunately the blatant favoritism of Rupaul, the judges, and the producers towards Silky Nutmeg Ganache (honestly they seem like a nice person in real life, but on the show they just seem like a tool), unimaginative challenges, distracting and irritating cameos by former drag race contestants including by Bianca whos dull and unentertaining appearance shows exactly why contestants shouldnt return at all, a rusical so god cringeworthy you'll pray for death (Trump the Rusical), the worst snatch game in drag race history, and painfully predictable twists result in a terrible season, with the only interresting things being the romance between Vanjie and Brooke (they broke up four months after the last episode before the reunion due to conflicting schedules), Miss Vanjie being well himself, Nina Wests acting, and Yvie Oddly's outfits .

S12: Havent seen it, but lets be honest this season is the one where the star is a sex offender. By now many fans have analysed the season and its become clear that the person who was intended to be the focal point and possible winner was Sherry Pie, which means that editing them out for very well known reasons also makes them the focal point just in a different way than intended. Hell it wouldnt surprise me if this season becomes known as the one with Sherry Pie, not the one where the winner won. Though it might also be the last season that RuPauls on, as there are rumors that hes stopping with drag race.

The Christmass Special: To short for a christmass special, to much like the other episodes to be special, to blatantly commercial to be Christmass, and to scripted, even by drag race standards, to be drag race.

And now for a review of the Judges themselves

RuPaul: On the outside a warm, outspoken, well meaning person whose done things which are truly groundbreaking. But beneath that warm exterior beats the stone cold heart of a businessman. He's calculating, manipulative, greedy, has no qualms about setting queens up for failure, and ultimately hasnt done much that could be seen as groundbreaking. Perhaps the worst part is that its clear that in terms of humor , mentality and fashion hes never left the 70s, which combined with his callous way of treating the enviroment (as shown by his fracking empire) and his history of transpobia, makes him a liability to the show. Even if you manage to ignore all of that, the show is ultimately about the drag queens, not about Rupaul, and Rupauls attemps to make it about him really drag the show down

Michelle Visage: Shes a mother of two teenagers with a stay at home husband pretending to be a bitchy whore on a tv show about drag queens, yeah thats her career. Now in truth thats not the biggest issue, the biggest issue is that shes got hangups and makes the same jokes over over again and that after being on the show for ten years she hasnt developed as a judge so the routine, to paphrase miss Visage herself, has been done to death. In truth the show needs something other than the same damn shtick and same damn comments all the time, and if she cant do it then she should quite so someone else can do it for her. Ok maybe thats the second biggest issue, the biggest is that she kisses RuPaul's ass untill it shines brighter than a mirror.

Valentino Rice: Good judge, and had great chemistry with the other judges.

Ross Mathews: Cute guy, wierdly charming, and interacts well with the others.

Carson Kressley: He comes across as a very tired, very frail, very gay but very very very dull ninety year old man, which makes sense given the fact that his entire career is based on being gay, and hes, well old. Ok hes not really old, hes 50, but on camera he looks and acts closer to 150. And the issue isnt that hes gay, its that hes doing a shtick, a very dull and fairly offensive shtick. Possibly the worst choice for a judge, and the show jumps in quality whenever hes not there.

Now for a few things that just bug me.

Favoritism: Unfortunately one of the biggest issues of the show is that seasons tend to be structured around Queens who are intended to be the winner, or at least the hero, from the get go, which has the advantage of allowing the creators of the show to change the structure and challenges from season to season, but also makes it hard to watch if the season is blatant in its favoritism, if the intended winner isnt that good, or if the winner gets eliminated for one reason or another.

Cameos by former contestants: Cameos are a great way to get people to say "I know that person" which is great in a tv show because you know that the cast wont change in the next episode, but not great in a competition where all it does is take away screentime from competitors and giving it to competitors who most likely did not do well enough to win in their own drag race, and even if they did, the show is not about them, but about the current contestants. As such if Ru wants them to return he should put them in All Stars.

Cameos by celebrities: Add nothing. Its drag race not the red carpet, i'm watching for the up and coming drag queens not famous people trying to boost their careers.

Adding politics to the show: No, just no. Dont do things like Trump the Rusical, dont have steven colbert do a voiceover, theres no way that can go well and it comes accross as virtue signaling. If Ru wants to do something good he should double the prize money and have half of the money go to a charity of the winners choosing, or stop fracking.

Adding politics outside of the Show: Drag queens are celebrities and entertainers, as such are constantly in the public eye and dependent on being in it for their income which means that anything they say in public, wether its gossiping, or discussing politics, needs to be viewed as being some form of self promotion. Now this might make things difficult for them, but it is a well known part of being an entertainer so it can be assumed that they were well aware of this before they joined Drag Race. If they do want to talk about politics without being viewed as self promoting, they are free to make an anonymous account on one of the many sites, like tumblr, where its assumed that no one knows who the other people are.

Family Friendly Drag: Lets be honest its men shoving their cocks up their own asses while dressing up as women, and naking refferences to sex, for the sake of entertainment. Thers nothing family friendly about it. Nor should there be as part of the appeal of drag is that its something that is restricted to adults. Likewise they arent heroes, they are entertainers, not doctors, not construction workers, entertainers no more worthy of praise then a person on a sitcom.

Drama outside of Drag Race: While drama on the show is to be expected and is part of what makes it entertaining, drama outside of the show is different its more personal and something that in truth should not be shared. However by presenting it as gossip on various shows they are saying its part of the show, which is unhealthy at best.

Final note.

While I am critising the Drag Race, I am not doing it because I dislike the show, I am infact a big fan of the show but at the same time I want to get my thoughts out there see how others view these topics.

[robynsheart]

2019, thank you but definitely next.

2019 has definitely been really weird. I think what's even more weird about it is how, just a second ago it was January and now we're bidding goodbye to it. It feels like it was an absolute blur and as much as I'd like to claim that I was fully present and really living my best life, I did most things just so I can say iv done them. It was fun, I won't lie but I sometimes wonder if the intent was ever really pure. Nonetheless I needed this year for healing, I never thought I would be able to get back on my feet, I'm not fully back but just regaining something within myself that I feel I had lost. Something as simple as humor and just the lightweight feeling of not taking life too seriously - I could also credit that to wine😂 but you get what I'm saying.

Another weird thing about 2019 was how I couldn't hide my own vulnerability to myself. As someone who is really open and about self awareness, I am really not about vulnerability. I would often look at how vulnerable my mother is with me with judgment, to some extent it reflected how I think people respond when you are vulnerable. I am afraid of becoming to vulnerable with people because of judgment obviously, but this year my entire self started a process without my permission to ACT OUT when I try to hide how I feel. Every negative feeling that has gone unnoticed or even ignored has manifested itself in ways I couldn't even imagine and iv experienced so much hate and anger that iv never experienced in my entire existence. I don't know how to fully process the negative things which are bound to happen in life yet, I think in the past my way of dealing with anything was pretending it wasn't there so now I have to actually face the music and deal with things. I do it at a very premature level, but I hope this is something I can work on as the years go - building up a good ass communication with some vulnerability. The messed up part is the idea of also not being vulnerable with myself, it's honestly shooting myself in the foot. I can't figure out how I feel like I am also an enemy and hence can't become vulnerable with myself - I have endured so much judgment and hate from myself without realizing it and it's crazy that spirit and soul that hosts all my experiences s till won't feel safe even in its own home.

I have discredited whatever it is that I have needed to say or which ever move that I needed to make with just a "uh nope that's not your lane". I think it's very important to have moments of vulnerability with yourself so that you can share it with other people, so when a vulnerable moment has to happen with someone else it doesn't feel so foreign in your spirit.

My spirit this year has felt exhausted more and more with each day. I keep thinking it reminds me of the time when I was in Highschool and I was literally in the passenger seat of my own life. Highschool was weird because I didn't know what the fuck I was doing and I kept going and going. It created a monotonous vibe in my life and I was in a space where I was just getting by and always promising myself better but never showing up for myself. There's a vivid memory of me sitting in church during a sermon and having the thought that I'd start reading the Bible more from the coming week, did I ever? NO! I find myself literally in the same damn cycle. I used to read a lot and I just outgrew the habit but I find myself wanting to go back to reading, I set myself up for such a fail because I know I won't be in that mood but I keep selling myself dreams about becoming that person. I am always tired and never really want to honour some of the stuff I say I will do because I just don't hold myself accountable. I genuinely hate being in the passenger seat of my own life when I know there is something I can do but won't do because I am demotivated and lazy,it's a sad space to be in.

There has been good too about this year, I'm just not sure I am in a position to recognize it because it's not the form that I would have it you know? The silent blessings that we don't recognize because we are overlooking them to see if your cup is being filled with the same shit as your neighbor or friend. I think when everything has felt like the biggest exhaustion it becomes hard to recognize something which is a blessing, I remember telling my friend that it's weird how I alway think that I will only start living or become happy once iv reached certain milestones in my life and at that time, relationships (romantic) was number one on the list. I don't remember what the second was but there we're two specific things which I felt that if I had to have, I then would become happy or have everything that I have ever wanted in life, which my dear is so fucked up. If anything after that statement, and getting into a relationship shortly thereafter I need to realize how miserable I was trying to carry another human being who didn't need to be carried. We sacrifice SOMUCH just to have what other people, because it looks glamorous but it isn't always. The relationship I entered into after that statement was one of the Worst I had ever been in, listen if you need to go the movies take your friends. Develop friendships, develop actual relationships with people so you know people and people know you. The shit that's going on right now regarding relationship is genuinely the GHETTO and no one can convince me otherwise. We're literally trying to piece together items with weird stuff, there seems to be no genuine care for the other person or even respect. Another thing is that people don't really know each other and people don't really like each other that much. It's all based on some superficial aspect and honestly for me it cannot be physical because (1) Cute niggas are never attract to me (2) I am never attracted to cute niggas lol. Whoever I date, I date based on personality, but that still isn't enough. There are some very fake bonds that we have with people out here that are very dangerous.

I know from my side that Iv tried to make homes of human beings, and in the year where I have struggled so much with adapting to loosing friends and having people leave my life (growing up). I have tried to make a placemat with other human beings just trying to fill up this empty space which once was friendships and sisterhood. The most painful honestly, you know when you fight with someone and you loose them, it almost justifies how you feel and where you can direct your anger towards but when someone outgrows you or moves on to a totally different path, it's a bit weird. You don't know how to fathom that type of loss, because that person is still there and probably loves you as much but has just moved on. It's the biggest mindfuck, and I found myself saying to myself way too many times that you cannot posses people, you can only experience them and that's what happens. I have been struggling to find a positive way of moving on, I almost feel as though my body knows war only and recognizes war only and therefore even in situations where there isnt war, I don't know how to love and bless that person without feeling sometype of betrayal. Realizing that person still wishes you great in life but not knowing how to receive because they have decided to leave you (in your head). It's like I only know how to comprehend love if it is a certain way and if it's not in that way then it feels like rejection. My thing now has been wanting to get over that person as if they have hurt me, and I think we owe people that sense of freedom and liberation. We cannot hold on to people like that, I am trying to find a way to understand what has happened without being angry, without judgment and obsession by just letting that person go (if that's what meant to happen).

I don't know if the walls I have built have made it difficult for me to love other people without reservation. I think about how difficult it has become for me to full celebrate people that are in my life without feeling like my own shine is being restraint. I often think about how my self love/hate shows up immensely in very narcissistic ways and then quickly inferior. It's so crazy how this cycle works, it's obviously an ego thing but wow. I genuinely either love myself in a narcissistic way or I am hating myself to wards inferiority. There's no in-between and there's no healthy love, hence sometimes there isn't even a healthy love for others. It's always about me, not too sure why but to some extent the idea of my own insecurity and an unsettling image of self is what pushes through. I don't get the idea of becoming jealous and hateful of friends because they have something you don't have or even the idea that someone is prettier or gets more attention that you do. These are things which happen in life, actual things and I sometimes feel like it takes away from the bigger picture because we are so self absorbed. It's focusing on the small nitty-grittys that have nothing to do with anything. I almost feel like as person you don't have anything going on for you in your life or something to focus on that becomes your only win, which is the really ridiculous but very valid. Focusing on so much more of your wins puts you in a better place I guess to recognize other people's wins. In a perfect world we're all winning but in reality we all win at different points in our lives and really have to acknowledge when someone else wins.

It's not always easy to praise someone else's win, especially when you can't recognize your own or even praise your small wins. The idea of not being able to praise some of my friends wins has made me feel like a terrible person but I have to understand that I am battling an inner ego, this one girl said that you need to love yourself enough to want see yourself win or something like that and I think my shadow believes still believe in playing small and hence there's this huge constraint towards me being the highest version of myself. But this isn't the person I want to be for the rest of my life. I don't want to be hateful and salty about seeing people achieve things that they have worked hard for, that's not a healthy space to be. I don't know if as human beings we could ever be fully happy for each other but I want to try and attain that space, believing that maybe my portion is waiting for me :)

[homestucky]

ok ok this is like not anything new but still since i havent been on here i havent fully ranted about this yet. big long rant incoming

re the epilogue (spoilers etc)

ok. i have onl y read meat. but fucking? dirk? dirk? ok? dirk??

no.

i am aware of what happens in candy. i know he dies.

i also know in the version i read, in meat, he becomes his ultimate self, all versions of dirk. as many people have said, this includes AR, this includes bro, this includes even to some degree, LE. its an interesting idea ill give you that. but its also.... shitty and not backed enough by well, anything?

so heres my personal rant about the shitty things in Meat.

when i first finished it i couldnt help but think. was the dirk narrative even necessary? on the one hand it was meant to be the MAIN PLOT and it defined the narration etc, but.... it honestly didnt seem to have any importance. i know it was likely  a set up to imply future stuff like making the next sburb or whatever but like

who CARES? why on earth would that be interesting or important? maybe im crazy but like, the ‘b plot’ which was mostly about character relationships and jobs in earth c, was compelling and enjoyable. the narrative with john ‘not important and not the main character anymore’ egbert had details and conclusions ACTUALLY RELATING TO HOMESTUCK, THE COMIC I LIKE AND WANTED TO READ AN EPILOGUE FOR. it was tragic and frankly very upsetting! im not saying i liked it!! but the tragedy felt compelling and significant. 

i appreciate that dirk as narrator IS BIASED so him saying that these narratives are less important is inherently like. not to be trusted but. just. i cant help but feel like you could have cut the whole ‘main dirk reality affecting’ narrative OUT 

and that seems to me maybe like... not good? if such a central part of your narrative has almost no bearing on homestuck or anything anyone cares about?

but im sure there are other people who found it compelling and necessary. thats fair. cant relate but you do you. there are other issues. 

me saying that the dirk narrative felt weirdly isolated and insignificant sounds pretty weird given that it put jade into a coma, manipulated kanayas mind, effectively killed rose and destroyed rosemary right? WELL that brings me on to the next thing. people have noted that meat barely passes the bechdel test. and hey, sometimes things like that can just be a coincidence or unlucky. but the repeated erasure of the female characters minds, motives, identities and autonomy was????  a little too consistent to dismiss. like ok terezi was still her dope self in a lot of ways. jane kinda did some stuff (under dirks direction, and only shitty stuff but . whatever). 

(sidebar: ofc it doesnt make sense to talk about calliope and roxy in the context of the female characters in Meat but either way they were very in the background. like cool an all, and i always love roxy. and i respect they were mostly just minding their own businesses??? which is fair)

 i just. urgh. homestuck has such a genuinely good track record of giving female characters genuine motivations and powerful abilities etc. the fact that almost ALL the female characters involved were working for or manipulated by DIRK. DIRK of all people. is like... is this even based off the real comic? idgi????

roses loss of autonomy.... rose is such an important character. and she goes along with everything dirk says because dirk is suddenly all OP and ‘theyre basically the same person anyway’ like i get that there was some magic bullshit going on or whatever but at the end of the day rose was still written as weak and passive. dirk as strong and skilled and decisive. i get the undertones.. hes a prince of heart. a destroyer of souls, and identities. he messed with kanayas identity , destroyed roses, repeatedly ignored roxys and calliopes, and god i wont even get started on jake yet. but that doesnt make it satisfying to read. or even really feasible.

so theres a possibility im missing something. but im confused about WHY dirk is allowed this power. in the narrative its waved off as a kind of ‘i guess because im like a prince of heart or whatever and im just super good at managing identities and being a strong boy’ like ok if theres some implication somewhere that that is MEANT to be a bogus explanation id be interested to know because it sounds pretty goddamn bogus. why would this happen to dirk? why? literally? one reason? one that makes sense? because there arent any i can think of. why, in the new universe, would dirk, a prince of heart, manifest into a narrative controlling supergod. and fucking WHEN has dirk showed any actual capabilities in this area before?? he KINDA sucked at it in the game. dirks an idiot! hes smart and capable in like, some ways but. its like

why is dirk so powerful suddenly -> its because hes become super ultimate dirk -> ... ok why -> uh because like. hes just so naturally inclined towards being a great manipulator yknow..... canonically.... uhhhh

it just. canon dirk to epilogue dirk is the most ridiculous leap character wise, skill wise, arc wise, personality wise, with minimal reasonable explanation. 

which brings me on to the next thing. so i roasted dirk and said he wasnt strong enough to be able to manipulate things this well. well, obviously through some other means dirk HAS been afforded this power. but what about his personality? its obviously gonna be warped with self importance and knowing how things ‘have to be’. but hes heartless, cruel and hateful. in some ways it seems like canon dirk levels of ruthlessness, especially when it shows that he is actually doing something dumb and petty like his treatment of jake. that shows that he STILL has emotional connection to people as dirk. he also seems to care about some people, like dave and roxy, and cracks jokes and wants to have ‘fun’. this makes the ways in which hes so warped and cruel seem even worse. maybe on the one hand im giving dirk too much credit, everyone knows he has the potential to be a real bastard. but i dont think that was the trajectory he was on when we last saw him. and if this is truly due to him just.. becoming other versions of himself too including LE and bro and stuff..like. i dont see how it could have gotten that bad without say, roxy or dave noticing. 

‘oh they didnt notice because hes just so good at hiding’ why on earth would i believe that!! dave especially this is kinda insulting for. dave is shown to have an almost supernatural ability to detect danger. partially this might be timeline stuff, knight stuff, but also notably im sure his upbringing is involved too. he was trained to be hypervigilant. who was he trained to be hypervigilant for? bro. bros manipulation and traps. near the end of the epilogue we show that dave IS capable of detecting the mindfuckery thats happening. how would that not set off 1 million alarm bells? theres literally apparently a twisted dirk-bro mutant INSIDE HIS HEAD telling him what to do. i just. know that scene was played for comedy and romance but at the very least thats gotta like???? mess with u if ur traumatised? and thats like , why i think dave should have had an inkling abt what was going on!! this is exactly the thing he hates and fears and was traumatised by! and it just going under his nose n him not even knowing , and still pretty recently being all buddy buddy with dirk seems just stupid and infeasible to me. maybe this is me being naive or kind of a stretch but i just feel like daves danger instincts would have been kicking up a whole assed ruckus that whole time. 

also kind of unrelated but i associate sunglasses with strider style toxic masculinity and hiding things so like. ok transitioning or changing gender presentation is one thing but roxy apparently permanently wearing sunglasses makes me NERVOUS

and ill probably wrap up this mighty rant soon but i wanna also say jake was done so fucking dirty. i know he was like, meant to be, because for some reason god dirk just hated him? like ok petty much. but. urgh jake is such an interesting character with a lot of potential and while i appreciate that him being manipulated by someone who may reasonably have a problem with him may make him do stupid and embarrassing stuff, all the narrative seems to have taken a backward step in how hes represented. jake isnt stupid, dirk clearly knew this in canon and he maybe was the only one even including jake. and there was some acknowledgement of this near the beginning of the epilogue. but then for some reason it goes back on itself. everyone still thinks jake is just completely stupid, including the embittered superdirk. so yeah i guess hes upset with jake or whatever but. its still dissatisfying to be like oh yeah jake isnt stupid he actually has a complex set of motivations and potential etc BUT over the X number of yrs on earth c no one else has realised this yet?? hmm. then his narrative is just gonna end up with him being a total joke and essentially becomes as stupid and incompetent as his worst critics say he is. feasible given the mind control ? yeah. enjoyable to read or having any kind of satisfying bearing on anything? nope!

so anyway. i feel like any criticism i have could be argued back with ‘but oh it has to be this way’ or ‘mind control!!’ or ‘not everything has to be nice and happy !!’ but like. dude. there are flaws. many of them. and seeing characters just get shat on is never gonna be good writing. 

[hajimeow-archived]

Anything You Want

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Pairings: romantic analogical

TWs: thunderstorm, crying, cursing

Word Count: 1321

hahahhhahahah help what have i written

--

Virgil Sanders was going on a field trip. An aquarium field trip, to be exact. The drive would be two hours, so they were taking a charter bus. The inside basically looked like the inside of a plane but smaller.

He was given a copy of the seating chart, along with everyone else. He gasped lightly when he saw where his name was. It was in the very very back, right next to the bathroom. That wasn't the worst part, though. The worst part is who his seatmate was.

Sitting with Logan Berry. On a bus. For two fucking hours. No way, he had to be having a nightmare. He could not sit with his long-time crush. Absolutely not.

"Mr. Thomas?" Virgil said, trying to hide the hint of nervousness in his voice. But.. what if.. What if he likes me too? "Virgil? You ok buddy?" Mr. Thomas said, looking up from his laptop. "Y-yeah, i just.. I just wanted to know i-if i could change m-my seatmate?" dont be silly. I'm sure he hates you. "Ah, sorry kiddo. The staff arranged this chart, i can't change it."

Virgil cursed to himself. Why did my moms already pay?

Oh well. Hopefully he'd at least have a good time at the actual aquarium.

Everyone boarded the bus, happily chatting away with their seatmate. Virgil, however, felt nothing but anxiety and dread as he walked up to his seat. He saw Logan and his heart seemed to beat a million times a minute. Virgil, stop-

"Hello, Virgil, is it?"

Oh my god he's talking to me

"Virgil? Are you okay?"

Oh my god his voice is so pretty

"Virgil?"

He snapped back to reality, only to realize he'd been standing and staring at Logan for 2 minutes, blushing like a maniac.

Embarrassed, Virgil quickly took a seat next to the window and looked at the greenery. They soon started moving. He was slowly starting to forget Logan was sitting right next to him until he said something.

"Hello, Virgil. My name is Logan. Were you okay back there?"

"OH- oh- u-uhm.. y-yeah..."

--

The rest of the busride was spent in silence, except for the few times Virgil would giggle at hearing other people's conversations or when some of his classmates yelled something stupid.

Other than that, time had gone by slowly. He'd wished for something to distract him or something to pass the time. Or maybe something that would slow his heartbeat a bit and tell him that he didn't need to breathe perfectly to make Logan not hate him. And, yeah, he ended up getting what he wished for, but he would have rather gotten it in a more subtle way.

There was a heavy weight on his right arm suddenly. Okay, not too weird. I'm sure this happens all the time. But no, it really didn't. There isn't normally an adorable nerd sleeping on you with his hair a little messy and his glasses crooked. No, not at all. But he was, in fact, adorable.

Oh shit. Virgil realized how much he was he was blushing. How fast his heartbeat was. What if my heartbeat wakes him up? What if my body heat wakes him up-?? His anxious thoughts stopped when the bus came to a sudden stop. He saw that they were almost there, they were just stopping because of traffic.

Virgil calmed himself down by wrapping an arm around Logan and doing his breathing exercises. We're almost there

--

"Okay, each of you will go in pairs. You will all be pairing with your seatmate–" Mr. Thomas stopped to let everyone find their partners as some groans and complaints came from the students.

"Okay, now, you must be back to this bus by 4:30pm. Got it?"

Everyone said "yes" in unison as they were sent off.

Virgil and Logan walked together in the line until they got inside, and everyone scattered in different directions, changing pairs and forming groups. Maybe I could try and do that?

"Where would you like to go first?" Logan said, looking towards Virgil. The sunlight from the windows shone his eyes perfectly, making his iris's appear a deep, dark blue.

"Virgil?"

"O-oh, yeah?"

"Where would you like to go first?"

"I heard there was a-a really g-good view on th-the third flo-or.. so we could start here and end there" while they were walking, Virgil couldn't stop thinking of the possibilities of what could happen while they were on the third floor. Was there even a third floor? He couldn't remember. The last time he was here, he was just 6 years old.

A sudden, loud noise made Virgil freak out, grabbing for the nearest thing to him, which happened to be Logan. After a second of processing recent events, he realized the loud noise was a boom of thunder, and that he was side-hugging Logan way too tightly. He immediately let go, feeling terrible.

"The lightning will not harm you. It was approximately over 30 miles away. You do not have anything to worry about." Logan said, looking at Virgil with an oddly vulnerable expression.

"Yeah.. yeah, you're right. I'm being ridiculous."

"You are not. It's okay to fear thunderstorms. Many people do. There is actually a phobia of it, called many things but the most common is astraphobia," Logan went on about phobias and how stupid the name of Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia (the fear of long words) was. The way he'd ramble was especially adorable. How he got mad at some things, and excited at others. His eyes would shine and he'd have that soft smile an-

"Anyway, we must get a move on. It is currently 12:34pm" Logan said, walking to a large section of jellyfish tanks near the gift shop. He started naming them all, giving specific and kind of interesting facts about them.

"And this is the Aurelia Aurita, also referred to as the "moon jelly". Oooh, did you know that they have nematocysts, which help them defend themselves? Nematocysts are cells that is triggered when the tentacles of a polyp are touched. When it's triggered, it forcefully injects tubule in its victim in as little as 700 nanosecond-" another loud clap of thunder.

Virgil was pretty sure he screamed, but he wasn't really sure. He was also pretty sure he was hugging Logan again. But he still wasn't sure. He was pretty sure he was crying, too. But y'know. Not really. He was very sure that he felt secure arms wrap around him as he was being carried. He was sure he felt eyes staring at him like he was a train wreck, which, he probably was.

"Hey, hey, it's fine. You're okay" Logan said in a soft, echoing voice. He realized they were in the restrooms- probably to get away from everyone else. Virgil thanked him for that.

"Virgil? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah I'm good..." Virgil breathed in, letting out a shakey breath. He took a few napkins and wiped his eyes. "I-I'm sorry"

"What for?"

"For overreacting. For causing a scene. For everything I guess"

"Virgil, there is nothing to be sorry for. I love y- you did nothing wrong."

"You.. you what?"

"Nothing."

"You love me?" Virgil asked, ignoring what Logan told him

"Yes. It is now 12pm, we mus- MPHH" Virgil couldn't believe himself. I did that. HolY FUCK I DID THAT. A pair of arms hugged Virgil's waist, making him silently freak out. He hugged back, trying to control his heartbeat and blush.

They pulled away, seeing Logan blush was probably the cutest thing Virgil has seen in his life. "I-it is.. th-that, that was.. anyway, w-we still have time left. What do you want to do?"

Virgil held Logan's hand, putting on a soft but smug smile. "Anything you want, my love"

hhhhhhhhhaahahh im sorry this isnt good

[worangetravellertravels]

A Travel To An Orange Sky II: Whispers

After a long and uneventful day I take the train back home.

The ride home is usually quite different that the crowd fest I’m used to while going to work. If I leave work on time (a rarity to be fair) I sit in an almost empty train and can see the beauty of the sunset sky covering the city and how it becomes night by he time I arrive home. It’s is quite beautiful and I miss it a lot.

Yeah... I dont remember the last time I left work on time. Because if I dont leave right on time I clash with all the other people leaving work, which leads me in a long line waiting for hours on end to take the train. I do have music to fight the boredom and drEad waiting conveys but lately... even that isnt much, just random podcast to work as noise generators to keep my head from... for lack of better word... be “mean” to me.

Finally on the train but way is night aleady, all the city lights look beautiful... for about 5 minutes, after that the small lights here and there from houses or the road make the scenery look gloomy. At least the train’s light makes me ignore the outside so I can distract myself with the adventures of... and off course my battery died, this usually happens cause I spend more time waiting to go home that I like... but in reality is cause I’m too lazy to worry about charging it, so that’s on me. Well at least we are just like 2 stations to get home and I leave almost literally next to the station so...

And then the train suddenly stopped and the lights got turned off

“Attention passengers, our engine has a mysterious malfunction. We are doing all we can to fix it as soon as possible. We apologize for the inconvinience”

...

Okay God or whoever is writing my life’s story apparently decided to be an asshole today! But what can you do but to wait in the dark while the train gets fixed. I guess I’ll just wait here in silence for things to resolve. Kinda the story of my life in many regards.

“Like when you got lost at the supermarket”

“Or when your grandpa lost you at the food fair and then mad eit seem like the lost one where you”

“Or even better... when you lost your hability to interact with people”

And so begins the whispers! My head just finding sillence and fright to do it’s best to put me down. Tell me I suck, I’m worthless, I’m weak. I’m... I’m unhappy.

“The closest to friends you have is people behind an imaginary wall”

“The closest you have been to a partner was when you played someones boyfriend in a movie ON HIGHSCHOOL”

“Speaking of Highschool. Remember when you supossed two best friends told all the class you had a crush on your best friend? wasnt that funny?”

“Or you skipping school 2 weeks claiming you were expelled”

“Or buying eggs and hotdogs putting your parents in a fake tab”

“Or getting a scar so deep for failing to learn to ride a bicycle... TWICE that your mom cried because you were so useless”

“IT’S FUNNY HOW WORTHLESS YOU ARE!”

I’m slightly numb to this whispers lately, I know they’re bullshit from the past so why bother... and yet... I’m crying and feel guilty about it! All this stuff should be past me! I moved on! I have a life for me now and I know it’s not the best but... is not the worst right?

“You know the answer...”

And before I could mutter the answer, the train’s lights came back and shortly after the train began moving once more.

I arrived home and went straight to bed, not even turning up the light. I was beyond done with the day and goodie! I still gotta work tomorrow... althought it is luckily a more relaxed way of working when its saturday so, at least there’s that.

I usually tell myself a story in my head to distract myself while sleeping so I dont hear “whispers” again. Today I just felt sleep with a simple thought.

My life is not the best but definitely not the worst... but also not the one I want...

And so the next day. I went for an extra day of work.

———————————————

Notes:

Part 2 of 5 of a bigger story event I planned with @elphaba-fang. Renn pointed out the word are really dark... and she isnt wrong, but the final intention I believe is key... we will see, after all I’m still writing it

Still Music for this story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pwXhzedNCI

[nabsfads]

love letter

i believe love is a connection that has incredibly similar laws to the laws of energy conservation. it cannot be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one form to another. but love itself is near impossible for me to explain in words. i can only say what it isnt. i can only say the vague surrounding of it, but never directly speak of it. i think love is an unseen connection that you sense instead of feel. its presence is as noticable as air particles, all sparsely spread, so simply breathed in and out. it goes way, way, further beyond what is often confused to be love. it is lightyears away from just care, appreciation, attraction, infatuation, obsession, addiction. these are merely the effects of love but you can 100% feel this way for somebody you dont love. love is so hard to pinpoint but if you have it, you have it. and if somebody loves you, in your books at least, you would never question it. love goes beyond words and actions and needs and wants. love is the nutrients in the soil. and all else are trees simply stemming from it.

i dont feel love for anyone and it hurts me to say that i dont love you either. but i really want to. but love isnt something you get to choose to have. it happens. you either have it or you dont. there is no formula or straight-forward method to start feeling love for somebody. maybe i am just too selfish and self loathing that i cant share my love for myself, that i somehow cannot get myself to admit having because i feel negatively about myself most of the time, with other people who i am either meant to love or really want to. but when i think of you and the things you do and say, i bawl my eyes out. when i think of you gone i feel like dying. maybe it's a selfish want for me to have you even despite not loving you. but i care. and most of all, you matter an incredible amount to me. and maybe whatever feelings, adoration and just pure appreciation i have for you may not classify as love in my own books, but i know that there are many definitions of love where i would be considered to love you. which is why it's easier to just say i love you. because even if i dont personally think i do, i know that in reality, majority of what love is known to be, i have for you. maybe im picky because i have too much love for myself. all we can do now is ignore this unsureness and just hope that one day, i will have that love for you. the worst part is, this isnt targetted to any specific person. maybe that's horrible of me, but im thinking of so many people who i could hypothetically say this to. i guess then hypothetically, i want to, or do, love all of them. it all depends on perspective and priority. if your priority is having mutual love according to my definition of it, then it would be near impossible. but if yours is any different, then loving you is easier than anything ive had to go through in life. and ive had an easy life.

[grungegoths]

TW: I think I was raped but I don’t know if it fits everyone’s definition of rape. I to.d him no over and over and he told me his boner wouldn’t go away until I slept with him and that I’d have to take him to the ER and pay the $500 bill and basically pressured me into it but I never said yes I just did nothing I payed there and cried the entire time. this was about two years ago. I threw out the clothes and underwear I was wearing the next morning. He died a month ago. I haven’t told anyone.

"" I guess I just don’t know if I was raped or what to call it. There were other times he kept asking over and over and I kept saying no but he wouldn’t let me be he’d say all sorts of things to get me to change my mind I eventually would just lay there and cry while it happened never actually saying yes. We were together for over 4 years. He threatened suicide all the times I tried to leave. He overdosed. The worst part is I feel I can never tell anyone because now hes dead they won’t believe me.""Hey love, first of all thank you so much for trusting me with this info. Second of all,im SO SO sorry that this happened to you. You didn't deserve this AT ALL. And yes, what happened to you is ABSOLUTELY a case of rape. I know that our misogynist society has a very narrow definition of rape where they think it is rape ONLY if the victim fought the rapist constantly or if the rapist forced themselves on the victim when in reality ALOT of rape cases arent like that.The fact that you kept saying no OVER AND OVER,and never said "yes" YET, he ignored you and pressurized you in having sex with him by making the bullshit "blue balls" excuse (which by the way isnt a real medical condition and didnt require you driving him to ER, let alone pay him any money), MAKES it a case of rape. Point blank.Consent isnt really consent if it is obtained through any form of coercion or pressure and since you never consented, it was rape. Sorry love.I assure you that you are neither stupid nor the only person who had gone through this horrible experience but cant believe that they were raped. Thousands, of people around the world have gone through this nightmare of an abusive relationship and think that it wasnt rape. You are not at fault, our society is.And as for, you not being able to tell anyone, i really cant tell you what to do here bc i dont know what kind of society, friend group, family, etc you have and how they are gonna react to this news. If you really want to tell about this irrespective of what people are gonna think, then i think you should wait for a few months more for the news or ur exs' demise to cool down so many ppl will be able to come out of their cloud of emotions and will be more likely to take your words seriously. But if this thing is REALLY biting you and you are desperate to tell, its up to you te decide okay?And even if noone around you believes you, just remember that at least I and thousands of people who have experienced the same shit as you would believe you. Trust me.I hope you will able to find peace in you life after this and will be happier. Again im sorry that this happened to you and wish that i could do more to help you!

[mentalanalyzer]

Unadulterated Uncensored Bigotry

Maybe it’s because I’m tired, maybe it’s because I’m pissed at the world around me, but this has been on my mind for quite some time. Does your ethnicity define you? Are they ingrained in your genes? Nature vs. Nurture? While I find many parts of my personality are due to the American environment I have been brought up in, there are aspects of my personality, that I only see in Persians, despite the lack of that upbringing. Aspects that I only see shared amongst those back in Iran. How could have such aspects of my personality if I’ve never been exposed to it? And that brings me to the topic of the day. Profiling. 

This is for me, my ideas, this page is seen by me (I don’t even know why I get followers when I post once in a blue moon). I will not use politically correct terminology, because my terminology comes from a universal language, and that is the fact people are defined by their appearance. Black is black, not african american. Everyone in the world calls African Americans black people. Most consider Asians almond eyed people. This is how people are defined. I will be using generalization and stereotypes, and yes there are exceptions to everything, but generalization exist for a reason. Observations are not inherently racist, unless used as such. I have nothing against races of people, there are aspects of each culture I dislike and like. However, as stated before, people do seem to be potentially defined genetically by their culture. Without further ado. 

We shall start with Persians. Never have I met a group of individuals so arrogant with such a lack of humility. They are smart, crafty, intelligent, even attractive and physically fit. And they know it. And yet, we always fall. Because we are always arrogant, always thinking we’re better than everyone. We have no sense of humility, doing whatever we want with no regards to others and the consequences. Our society always rises because of our innate abilities, but always falls due to the flaws inherent in our personality. Our women, vain. They also have intelligence, and beauty, and they know it. Never have I met a group more vain than Persian women. Always striving to better than other women, insecurity rampant, and always jealous. Persian women have the most potential in all races of women, and yet I despise them the most out of all races of women. Their intelligence is rotted away with their obsession over looks. Their definition of power defined by their man. They are dominant, but become submissive as they are unable to do anything without their man. The women is battling her man, other women, and herself. A war on 3 fronts, is a war you cannot win. And it is for this reason, they always lose. The worst part is, Persians know this. This upsets me the most. They are aware of their arrogance and intelligence, and yet do nothing about. Like an alcoholic who refuses to quit. 

Asians, smart crafty devils, with an absolute lack of compassion for other races and usually severe racism as well. Robots? Not quite. Robots would be indifferent, Asians are not indifferent. Similar to Persians in intelligence and their understanding of it, but without the arrogance. The feeling of superiority, masked by humility, by sub-conscious racism (giving them the benefit of the doubt). They’re quiet, and always make themselves seem less than they are, but are always planning to best their competition. Drive and determination, but with a flawed premise. No love to bring others up with them, but rather leave everyone in the dust. To use the common man for self use, and make sure he doesn’t get to the same level. A comrade has no meaning. The women are the same, but their disdain for others is even worse. The perfect counter-part as they support and go hand in hand with their man. However, often times, they find themselves weak against their man. They are driven and determined, but as soon as they find an Asian man who stands to oppose them, they crumble. As if admitting superiority. See that’s the entire problem here with Asians, the concept of superiority. Persians are always brought down by our stupidity induced by our arrogance, but Asians always see themselves as superior as above. As soon as that image is crushed, they crumble. As if being below anyone is the realization of failure. This is what I mean by a flawed premise. 

Black people. Incredibly emotional, and lazy. Quick to anger, rash, lashes out easily. Uses great effort to build something, only to quickly destroy it. Hardworker...and yet I said lazy? Works hard, but not smart. Not that they can’t, just that they don’t want to. Life is hard, and yet if it’s simple, it’s not too bad. Yet complains that it’s not better, that they want it to be better, and yet doesn’t want to put the effort to make it better. Living in dreams, but never wants to make them a reality. An uphill battle that they can fight, but just that they don’t want to. Let someone else fight it for them, let them reap the rewards. Only fighting when they become emotional, but fighting out of anger, is a short fight. The fuse is only so long, and after it burns, back to mediocrity. Mediocrity isn’t a problem, if they didn’t find it a problem. Like a slouched spine. Works hard to keep you upright, but never quite does the job right. The women are similar to the women. Unsuprisingly, the women actually have more drive than the men. A culture so driven by emotions, it makes sense that the gender with more emotion is more driven. Dominant, aggressive, demanding....yet with all things extreme, easily broken. Unlike Persians with it being a fight against others and their own insecurities, and Asians with it being a fight against superiority and intelligence, with black people, it’s the fight of emotions. Don’t attack a black womens confidence or intelligence, attack her heart. That’s the walls weak point. 

Arabians, all the bravado of Persians, with none of the attributes. Take the arrogance of Persians, and take away the craft and intelligence, and you get Arabians. There is a difference though, see Persians arrogance is against everyone, including fellow Persians. This causes conflict amongst Persians, which is why we are always bringing ourselves down. Arabians create a heirachy, with arrogance designated towards others that are not Arabian. Targeted arrogance you might say. A shared ideology and common belief, is all it takes to becomes uneasy friends with Arabians. You are part of the “cool kids table” now as they say. They have no superior quality outside of numbers and co-operations (which may be a quality in and of itself). One of the most unified cultures out there. This is what makes extremism so likely however. A unification of simple ideals is all that is needed to make one part of the cool kids and having disdain and arrogance towards everyone else. But who defines the cool kids? This is the infighting for Arabians, and makes it so they always form unified groups fighting unified groups; whereas for Persians it’s always a free for all. The women are basically the same. Lack of intelligence, lack of looks, and yet vain and demanding. Inferior in every way to Persian women. I’d feel bad for their conditions, if it wasn’t the fact that they treat the men just as badly as the men treat the women. They’re submissive state is only due to the fear induced by the mens aggression. Against any other physically submissive group, they would dominate. There are other cultures with men physically dominant (like black men), but they only tolerate Arabian men. 

Indians. What is there to say? Racist, sexist, aggressive but weak? Out of all the groups, Indian men are the most sexist and treat women the worst. They make Arabian men look like angels. They have an inferiority complex, that they take out on the weaker groups due to lacking the balls to take someone on their own size. Their cowardness is unmatched in the world. Like the Asians, they too have a heirachy, and they strive to be the top. Unlike Asians though, they have compassion, and guilt. They will screw you over to get to the top, but they will feel bad about it (doesn’t mean they’ll do anything about it). Like Asians, they are quiet, but not out of disdain and contempt, but out of fear. They don’t bring themselves down like Asians (strategic), but rather only see themselves as lower due to the inferiority complex. This doesn’t mean they lack drive however, as they will still compete to be the top of their heirachy. Take the intelligence of Persians, but without the arrogance, and add the heart the Asians are missing, and you get Indians. Indian women on the other hand, are incredibly racist. The potential to be smart, but kept ignorant by their Indian men. Demanding, aggressive, insulting. Whereas Arabian women are physically abusive, Indian women are mentally abusive. They are like a peach, soft on the outside, but hard on the inside. 

Finally....the white man. Individualism as an ethnicity. Congregation by like minds for a greater purpose, but for everyone else below them, they are tools. The white man will not come above others like Asians, but will bring others down below him. The white man doesn’t look to live like the black man, or to congregate like the Arabians, or look to fullfill a superiority complex like the Asians, or to fight off an inferiority complex either. The white man looks to control for the aim of bettering his life. Arrogant, but aware enough of that arrogance to curb it to the point it is still deterimental, but not as severe as Persians. As for the women, they are used as tools just as everyone else for the white man. The women are emotional, ignorant, arrogant, with little drive and purpose outside of be the useful tool of the white man. A blanks slate....literally. Easily influenced and written, by the white man, or other cultures. This makes it so the white women is able to congregate more easily with other cultures; if the other cultures racism allows. 

Now, this may all appear negative, and it may appear I just hate all cultures, but that is just not the case. As is with everything, each culture has it’s positives and negatives. 

Persians have so much potential. Their men are smart, intelligent, and can become experts in any field (as many are). Their women have the most potential out of any group. Looks and brains, can’t beat them. Asians are also smart and intelligent, always raising the bar, always increasing the competition. The women as well. Smart and determined, but humble and quiet. As long as they are empowered, they can achieve just as much if not more than the man can. Everyone can learn from black people. From all the groups, I love being in the company of this group the most. They have....soul.. would be the best way to put it. They are what it means to be human, to express yourself, and to live. Arabians demonstrate the power of Unity and tolerance. With their empire being one of the most peaceful and prosperious for it’s residents. The ability to set the petty aside and focus on the main ideals that unite all of us. Their women demonstrate how despite being oppressed and put down, you can always keep that drive and determination to be better. That no one can stop you. Indians are the nicest people in existence. Bettering their neighbor, and always trying to live with love and compassion. Their women are in fact the reasons this is the case, with mothers who teach the importance of loving oneself and ones neighbors. The white man, the centerpiece of all of this. Having the potential to unify all the groups, and have them cordially work with one another. While Persian woman are born with the most potential, white women are designed with the most potential in mind. The blank slate, combined with beauty and grace, enables them to create their own personality, and to be influenced by other cultures. Allowed to fluorish on their own, the white woman is one of the purest in all the groups. 

[voltron-voltron-voltron]

It Hurts Like Hell

//Heyo peeps. This is my first attempt at writing a Klance one-shot type of thing. Im sure this isnt a totally original plot and that it's been done before, but I hope you all like it. The song to accompany this is Hurts Like Hell-Fleurie, so maybe give it a listen as you read! Hope this isn't too terrible, and also, I don't mind if you repost, but please give credit! Also, didn't proofread because I wrote this right before bed. Oops. Thanks, enjoy!//

Today was the day.

Keith had known that it was coming. In fact, he had spent the last few days cooped up in his room, trying to prepare himself for what was to come. The silence was all that had filled the air, then, and he had felt quite numb. In fact, he still did. It didn't hurt, really. Not yet. However, he had lost enough in the past to realize that it would only take some time for the weight of reality to set in. He only hoped he could keep pushing away the consequences of his own failure.

Now, he was standing in front of the mirror, taking in his own appearance. It was something he had never really taken the time to do, in the past, but it almost felt like today was the one time for him to at least attempt to care. This was one of the rare times he wasn't wearing his armor, or even his usual clothing. Keith wore a suit, a real suit. Frankly, he had no idea how Shiro or Allura or whoever had managed to find him one, but he didn't have it in him to question it. The jacket was a little too big for his slim frame, which had only seemed to become smaller in the last few days. He still wore it, though. He owed everyone that much. Lifting his gaze from the clothing he wore, Keith looked over his own features in the mirror, but he barely recognized to boy staring back at him. His dark eyes seemed so horribly empty and blank, and a bit bloodshot. However, it was the dark black smudges under his eyes that truly gave away the fact that he hadn't slept the fast few nights. His whole face seemed gaunt and worn, his eyes sunken in slightly, and his features hollow. Overall, Keith was a disaster, but he didn't have it in himself to do much about it. Instead, he stepped away from his reflection, taking brisk strides towards the door, letting his legs carry him out to the hall.

Lance could always walk quicker than him, with his stupid long legs.

Sighing, he stepped into the control room, only to find everyone else there. As soon as he slipped through the doorway, his ears picked up the sound of Pidge's sobs. She was locked in a tight embrace with Hunk, her face hidden in his chest as she cried her eyes out. Hunk was doing his best to comfort her, rubbing her back soothingly, but his usually warm and friendly eyes were glassy with unshed tears. His lips were trembling as he gently shushed Pidge, as if he was trying hard not to burst out crying himself. Keith, for a brief moment, wished he could comfort them. This was his fault, after all. His ignorance brought them all to this, but he was never good with people, and had no clue what to do or say as he looked at them.

Lance would have known how to cheer them up.

Silently, Keith turned to look at Shiro and Allura, who stood side by side at one end of the room. Both were dressed nicely, as they all were, but their usual attitudes had practically disappeared. Shiro had one arm around Allura, conversing with her in a low voice, so that the others couldn't hear. He seemed numb to the whole thing too, but in a different way than Keith. Instead of feeling distant from it all, he seemed to be at a loss. It was like he didn't know what to even do with himself, at this point. Allura's expression revealed a similar emotion. Although she had been the main person to plan everything out for today, she looked like she wished there was more to do, more for her to engage herself in. It was evident that she didn't feel like she had done enough.

Lance would have been able to go up to the two and say some ridiculous joke to bring their smiles back.

Coran was currently piloting the castle. His focus was devoted to landing on the small planet below them, but he was obviously hurting and distraught. Once the castle landed, though, he turned and gave all of them a bleary, weak smile.

"It's time." He said simply, his normally chipper voice trying to sound even remotely normal, but failing completely. His words drew the attention of everyone, and they all began to head towards the exit, Keith letting himself walk near the back of the group. No other words were exchanged between the group as they made their way outside, finding others waiting for them there. The funeral was to be a small one, and only certain allies of the Paladins had been asked to come. However, creatures all over the galaxy had heard word of the disaster, and they too, were mourning.

Keith thought the worst part was that there wasn't even a body left to bury. They all gathered around a handmade shrine, donating gifts of tribute. Some were simple, like flowers or small tokens of appreciation, but others had a much deeper meaning. The whole thing seemed to pass by in a blur, to Keith. He recognized Shiro making a speech, talking about Lance and the great things he did. In fact, all of the Paladins, including Coran and Allura, said something about Lance. Everyone except Keith.

He had his reasons though. One was simply because he had nothing to say. No words could encompass how great Lance was. In fact, even that was an understatement in Keith's mind. Secondly, he knew no pretty words could reverse his mistake. He trained, and trained, and trained, but even then, he wasn't able to save him. He wasn't able to do anything, and now this had happened. No pretty words or memorial shrines could fix it.

Because Lance was dead, and it was Keith's fault.

Nothing could fix it, now.

[tumblunni]

fuck, that story did so many complex things with morality, i think that’s why ultimately it was his most well remembered story like the basic premise of a unicorn looking for the other unicorns is basically nothing compared to the MILLION DEEP QUESTIONS it kindles in childrens’s brains along the way! and like, the fact that it was even aimed at children despite having so much dark imagery and psychological horror. and how the psychological horror comes from weird places?? like, it subverts and analyzes the fairytale genre and turns a lot of commonly accepted ‘happy ending’ things into absolute burning hell and eighty million other far more interesting plotlines springing from the corpse of the cliche it just killed. I love it. I LOVE IT.

Random examples of stuff that really intrigued me as a kid!

* the whole idea of how it starts off, that this unicorn just legit doesn’t know that anything happened to the rest of her people. she’s lived alone for centuries and doesn’t even know what loneliness is until she finds out that the world has changed while she wasn’t looking, and her assumption that there’s a million other forests with a million other unicorns was false. And like.. her journey is really complex because of it? her motivation is less about saving a family she personally knew, and more about the fear of being forgotten like they were, and like.. ‘do i even have any value if i’m not defined as a unicorn anymore, if people forget what unicorns mean?’ And like the idea of her first meeting other unicorns for the first time and having even mroe challenges to her perception of reality, like thats not even something she WANTS but the same somewhat rude and egotistical sense of honor she has as an immortal is gonna keep her going towards an ending that probably won’t be happy in any way.

* the many many nuanced moments where the unicorn completely fucks up and is generally allowed to be a flawed protagonist, despite existing in a narrative that’s from her perspective and paints her as perfect and her philosophy as the only thing that exists. And like.. how many of her fuckup moments are ABOUT her being this perfect godly figure to everyone else! How molly breaks down at seeing a unicorn NOW, instead of back when she was young and had hope of a happy fairytale ending. How she feels like she isn’t worthy of a unicorn even looking at her anymore, and how it manifetss into screaming anger, blaming this thing for being too late. And how the unicorn didn’t even know that this woman was waiting for her, and hinging her entire life worth on meeting her, and like.. molly isn’t prepared to look at it that way, if anything its even scarier to think that the people you idealise just DIDNT CARE. And how its complex cos i mean its not like the unicorn is bad, either?? She just didnt know what she meant to humans until she got out of her forest and started meeting them. She was so self-absorbed and proud about being immortal without even knowing the reason why magical creatures are considered godly. And its so complex cos the way she figures it out is via the actions of an asshole villain, like seriously its SO SAD that she gets to see little human kids feeling like they have a reason to live just from seeing the false image of a unicorn that the creepy slavemaster witch lady shows to them. the unicorn herself was powerless to be what they needed her to be, and all she even cared about was judging the humans as rude bastards for not being able to see her, rather than thinking about it as it really is, and realizing that its not like they don;t want to, they’re absolutely desperate to...

* and okay just seriously THE COMPLEX NATURE OF HUMANITY! cos she sees all the worst of humans and all the best of them too, and the story doesn’t even draw any conclusions as to whether we’re worth it, it’s up to you to decide

* also it was really deep and complex how becoming human wasn’t just a cliche happy ending for her! it was TERRIFYING! being forced into a new body wasnt even the worst part, it was the loss of identity factor that hit her after she was limited into a non immortal mind and soul. she goes crazy ‘feeling this body die around her’ and gets scared that she’s going to forget her old self, and also scared of going back to her old self because she doesnt know if these things like love are impossible for unicorns and she’ll become unable to feel them anymore. her opinion of herself falls so far from arrogance into outright FEAR! and its so fucked up because being human is hurting her like this yet she’s also kinda idealizing humanity and blaming it for all her positive character development and like SHE’S ANGRY AND SCARED OF POSITIVE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT??? it fucking makes my soul weep and then the ending is so fucked up cos she does return to being a unicorn, and no she doesnt stop feeling love for the human guy she fell for, and all her human friends who helped her this far. but now she’s burdened with the knowledge that she will never die and they will, so the story just ends with her running away so she doesn’t have to feel that pain, or burden them with any more pain too. And she’s even more alone than she was at the start, because she knows that none of the other unicorns understand these emotions, they’re all like her pre character development self and she could never be part of their world again. Its complex because these positive emotions and this kinder personality is like.. a curse to her. because at least she didnt hurt when she was blissfully oblivious, and didnt care about anyone but herself. Its like.. was this newfound ability to feel love actually a blessing, if she gets the love but also the ability to have her happy ending is forever lost to her? so really all she gained was the power to be aware that she was suffering all along. and like even if she managed to get magicked into a human again, the story makes it clear that it’s intense suffering for her, its like walking on knives and her personality would just melt away and she wouldnt even remember why being able to love was so new and so important. it’d be just like someone else having a happy ending instead, and her ceasing to exist. But then the story also gives us this very clear binary where all of her personality is very much linked to being immortal, and her only choices are to live forever and be sad, or to die and not even fully be happy because she’d lose herself. and like all she accomplished was losing the option she never knew she had- to live in innocence without a concept of good and evil, and thus never regret. which isnt a happy ending either, but at least she wouldnt KNOW she was in a bad ending...

* fuck this movie is so hard to explain and so sad

* oh and!! the harpy was fuckin terrifying!! and all the morality around it was even more so! its the first time the unicorn really fucks up, cos she’s just running on the honor of all magical creatures, which is very far from concepts like good and evil. she has to free a fellow immortal, even if its clear that the harpy is evil and will only do harm. but she doesnt even fully understand evil yet, all she knows is.. like.. fear? and betrayal. she knows that for some reason she doesnt understand, she fears this other person who is like her. and subconciously she recognises the darker side of what an innocence of good and evil can turn you into. but she recklessly chooses to ignore the humans trying to explain morality t her, cos thats just a human thing she doesnt need to care about, right? and then what ultimately surprises and scares her isn’t that the harpy does what humans think are evil, but that the harpy has no loyalty to the one who freed her, and immediately tries to kill the unicorn too. And you even get the sense that the unicorn would have still freed her even if she expected this would happen, its just this sense of duty between immortals because being caged means so much more when you’ll never even have the release of death. And i mean.., that’s kind of a point, too. the story’s one moment of embracing cliches is that it says that the harpy is just inherantly evil and was born evil, rather than more directly placing it as a parallel to the unicorn’s absence of good and evil. how do we know that this thing really IS an embodiment of all hatred, and its not just a lost and deluded creature like our protagonist, whose moral neutrality got pushed down the wrong path due to the difference of life it had once it first encountered humans? i mean, the unicorn encounters plenty of shitty humans too, but she manages to at least find some good ones and like.. she had a starting point of assuming she was a proud and inherantly good creature, which was confirmed even by the humans who manipulated and hurt her. she gets to see herself worshipped by humans, even if its as a way to make a quick buck. and we don’t know how long that harpy was locked up in an even worse version of her situation, and whether the unicorn would have become just as hateful if she hadnt been resuced... Its just kinda lazy to say ‘wow its good that shitty mc fuckface locked up this inherantly evil creature, yet bad that she did the same thing to you’ But still it makes for a really scary scene cos the film really went all out in establishing what a born-evil creature would actually be like, and how fucking terrifying it would be to deal with something that just wants to kill and kill and will kill even if there’s no benefit and no logic to it. It’ll betray anyone who shows kindness to it, and you’re being stupid by treating it like a real sentient being with thoughts and a soul. And thats terrifying. But its also fucking sad. And its the one lack of complex morality in this story. but i guess maybe i wasnt supposed to be a story all about exploring complex versions of morality, but just.. different and interesting ones? so taking the ‘inherantly evil’ trope and being like ‘no, you dont get to use that lightly, this is how horrifying and child-unfriendly that would really be’ is still an intriguing idea in its own right

...anyway its a real good movie also my lunch is burning cos i couldnt take it out of the over til i finished rambling RIP salmon dinner