#which isn't true but it's like a horrible cycle no matter what

[diarydiarydiaryblank]

i absolutely despise how common "intrusive thoughts" has become in people's vocabulary, when almost every time people use it incorrectly. i don't have extreme intrusive thoughts, but i definitely have them, and they are NOT fun or pleasant. they make me feel sick and horrible about myself, and it's worse because i can't FORCE them away.

i'm so tired of seeing mentally well people confusing impulsive thoughts with intrusive thoughts. and then when people talk about their REAL intrusive thoughts, suddenly you're a gross and evil person... please eat the curb.

[justatalkingface]

If society is the reason for the personality of Bakugo, why aren't there more Bakugos in society?

If "strong" quirks turn people into violent a**holes, why aren't Nejire, Tokoyami, Kaminari, and that loud wind quirk guy relatively well-adjusted to social interaction.

The answer is simple: because it isn't society's fault.

Like, don't get me wrong, it didn't help, that's for sure, but Bakugou's problem isn't society, it's that he's a jerk. Bakugou is unironically high on his own brand.

Part of that is how other people treated him, true (though it was happening even before he had a Quirk, so it's not society in the way it's usually used for Bakugou, where it's about his Quirk), because he was cool and competent as a kid, which made the kids praise him, which fed his ego, which made him want to do it more, in a vicious cycle... but even with that, there's still something unique to him that is at fault here: he's told, as a kid, that he has a good Quirk, and he can be a hero with it. This is basic, bog standard encouragement; it's a good Quirk, but he's, what, ten? That woman is probably telling every single kid that their Quirk is great. But Bakugou, though, he hears this, and his mind instantly snaps to a conclusion: he realizes that he's The Best, TM. That he's special, that he's better than everyone else. And that? That's not 'society', that's not the fault of people around him, that's Bakugou's fault, Bakugou's problem.

I'll be honest here, kids are stupid; Bakugou isn't the first kid to have a delusion of grandeur and he's not going to be the last. What makes it different with him, though, is that it's more than just a passing phase. That philosophy, his fundamental superiority, is a train of thought that remains with him for the rest of his life, and not only that, it is a cancerous logic that festers in his mind like a disease.

You know how Bakugou calls everyone else 'Extras'? That's the logical conclusion of his superiority complex, of the idea of that he alone is special, superior, the honored one: because if he's special, what is everyone else? Less then him. An extra in his story. Or, as Shigaraki would put it?

An NPC.

That's concerning. More than that, that is deeply alarming. Unironically, I think that counts as a mental disorder of some form (probably narcissism?), and it also inherently dehumanizes other people... which explains why he's so casual about hurting everyone around them.

And to be blunt? That's a very, very bad thing. Dehumanizing other people is how people are taught that it's OK to hurt others, or even kill them; fundamentally, Bakugou is radicalizing himself against everyone who isn't Bakugou.

If they are less than him, if they are not 'real people', if they are just extras... then it doesn't matter if he hurts them, insults them, because... why would it? It's not like they're actually people, it's not like they're important. They're just extras in The Great Story Of Bakugou. They're just NPCs in the Hero Game he's playing, and nothing else.

People do horrible, horrible things to NPCs in video games that they would never in a million years do to people in real life. They do it because NPCs don't matter, not like real human beings do. Think, for a minute, how you treat the random characters in Fallout or whatever, the nameless mooks you that will always more of, because they will always respawn after whatever you do to them. Think about what would happen if you did that to a real person.

You can even see it in how he acts in the various flashbacks back when he was a child: when he was young, Bakugou was brash, a bit aggressive, but largely an OK kid. But as time passed, his aggression grew, and his respect for others shrunk. He went from insulting people (at times probably accidentally), to actively bullying them. He became more and more comfortable not just verbally abusing others, but then physically hurting them. By the time canon starts, Bakugou seemed to treat, and consider, other human beings as barely more than trash, and Izuku's existence in particular as something like a cosmic mistake he was 'graciously' tolerating.

And then we find out that he was willing, in fact, to kill people. It's very likely that, if driven to a corner, that people may be willing to kill to survive, but that isn't what happened to Bakugou: he was in school. He was unironically playing cops and robbers.

And yet, Izuku's basic unwillingness to just... give up, to just sit back and let someone maim him as much as he wanted is what 'cornered' Bakugou to the point he resorted to overwhelmingly lethal force. He doesn't feel an ounce of guilt about it afterwords, either, and he only stops because he's threatened... with being kicked out of the exercise. He's not even serious about, he's willing to kill someone but he values winning more than his murder attempt, winning at something that's essentially worthless, even. It's an impulse, one that he doesn't ever question or think about again after the fact.

To be fair, his... radicalization, or just plain assholishness, got noticeably cut back after that point (to the point where it seems more like retcon than character development), but if it wasn't for that? Clearly, no one was willing to call him on things before, so if he didn't get serious consequences, and he had killed Izuku? He probably would have grown more and more comfortable with killing, the same way he did with everything else he's done.

But it's more than just that. His parents are... well, they're good people, but... they don't seem to be the best at making their son not be an asshat; both of them were pretty OK with their son calling his mother a 'hag', and not even in a sarcastic, well meaning way, but as an actual insult.

His mom is cut from the same cloth as her son (normally, it'd be the other way around, but Bakugou's character probably came first), if more restrained. Unfortunately, that means she's probably a source of a lot of his more aggressive behaviors in the first place, and not just in a genetic way: he watched what she did, and then learned to do it from her. She tries to get him to stop the worst of it but she doesn't seem to making a serious effort? It's not a serious punishment, or a heart to heart talk about his behavior, it's... basiclly the fan gag, which doesn't really teach anyone anything?

His dad, meanwhile is more passive, grounded, but at the same time: he married Bakugou's mother. He's clearly OK with behavior in that vein. It's good he's not contributing to the problem, but he's not solving it, either.

At the end of the day, while there are contributing factors, not of them are enough to explain, much less justify, Bakugou's actions or personality. Society didn't make him like this. No one taught him that it was OK.

The only one with responsibility was Bakugou himself.

[ice-cream-writes-stuff]

Batfam/Batboys with a Yandere S/O

[This is something I wanted to write personally and decided to share with all of ya'll. Please remember this is fiction, since it has come to my attention that it needs to be stated. I do not condone this behavior, I just enjoy writing it. Thank you, enjoy.]

-

Batman/Bruce Wayne:

Yan S/O is devoted to him, would literally kill anyone just to make him happy.

Even if Bruce knows that your love for him isn't healthy, he doesn't let you go. He honestly finds comfort in your love, it's tight like collar on the both of you. Yet, he can't help himself but let your chains keep him together.

You love him to the point of no return. Willing to forsake the world, morals, everything. Even Talia can't do that. You want to hold him and keep him safe in your sickingly-sweet embrace.

Bruce has a case of savior complex with you, thinking he can change you. Where your desires to coat Gotham in red aren't necessary for him to love you.

But to you, it matters that you try to kill anyone in your way to Bruce's heart, or maybe just managing to keep them at arms-length.

Those finky, so-called, "villians" are apart of your anger. They CRAVE Batmans attention, which should only be for YOU.

Bruce and Batman do their best to keep you from killing villians. Most times failing and trying to cover it up for your sake and his reputation.

I could see Yan S/O just straight up telling Bruce that they are gonna raise his childern..

Which is kinda true, since they managed to get Alfred's approval. 《No clue how...》

Anyway, Yan S/O is around for all of the Batfam. Being the kindest and sweetest parental figure ever. Often threatening and hurting villians when they try to get in the way of family outings or straight up killing them under the guise of "self-defense."

You teach your way of "love" to Dick and then so on and so fourth. Causing a horrible cycle and generation of yandere Batfam. It's kinda funny.

"Just what exactly are you teaching him (Y/N)?" Bruce asked you, his tone accusing as he watched you clean up blood off the floor of the parlor room.

Jason sat on a small armchair, a notepad in hand as he re-reads over his notes. 

Dick strolls up beside the older Wayne, watching the scene. 

"Oh! I remember when you taught me that trick, gotta remember this little-wing!"

Richard [Dick] Grayson:

This man has been emotionally starved, having been raised by Bruce. 

Dick has been in many romantic relationships, but they mostly fall flat and him and his romantic partners become just friends. Which is fine, but he still yearns for a romantic connection.

Or honestly a positive connection that has someone caring for him instead. Yes he's a good brother and son, but Bruce and his brothers mostly depend on him as the "happy-go-luck Dick Grayson".

Not the moody and depressed part of him.

Yet he meets Yan S/O, who is pretty much his personal everything. Cheerleader, bestie, (beside Wally), cuddle buddy, ect.

In your eyes, he could do no nothing wrong. You hold no high standard as how he should be seen.

He doesn't need to be the "Nightwing of Bludhaven" nor the "sweet and handsome Grayson".

He is YOURS, and you are his.

"Hey~ Welcome back," you whisper kindly. Aiding him inside the apartment. More-so dragging him in with strength he didn't know you possess.

Dick smiles at you, his eyes tired and body woozy from working late hours. 

-

Jason Todd:

Jason never really grew up in a loving home, when he did however, it was taken away from him very early on.

So when any once of love he gets from Yan S/O, he tries to push it away. Thinking he'll loose it, somehow.

Yet if Yan S/O proves their devotion, Jason will accept their advances.

He doesn't see you as a total threat to himself, to other's though, that's a different story..

You listen to him, wanting to know every bits and fucked-up pieces of him.

You don't see him as some type of puzzle to finish, you just want to know him. To love him.

Holding his hands in your own, you place them on your forehead. Breathing out a content sigh, tracing his fingers gently. As if he was made out of porcelain and not a monster he saw himself as.

Tim Drake [Wayne]:

Tim is concerned about Yan S/O affections, finding them perfect. Too perfect.

He's afraid to love them, because Yan S/O is all he could imagine as a perfect lover for him.

Kind, attentive, uncaring of his coffee addiction.

Someone who'll listen to him need out about ANYTHING.

It could be the stupid-est thing ever, yet you'll stare him like a love stricken idiot.

Even when he talks about someone he likes, you'll still smile. With clear hurt in your eyes, yet never sabotage his dates or try to change his mind. Just listen with a open heart, hoping for the privilege to let you love him.

He honestly doesn't want to push it, knowing you'd have to have a limit.

But you never crack..

It drives him mad.

To the point where he surrenders himself to you.

There was no one who could be as "perfect" as you.

"Hey! Hey!" You squeak, feeling Tim's cold hands touch your cheeks. Squeezing them together to make a fish-face, leaning in to give you a small peck.

-

Damien Al Ghul/Wayne:

Straight up opposite of Tim.

Damien pushes your button's, wanting to see if you had the guts to kill for him.

Not believing that you were worthy enough for him.

He is a Al Ghul.

A Wayne.

Yan S/O thinks saying a heartful declaration of love will sway his heart. Not even a little.

You have to be persistent for Damiens attention, clingy but not to the point of becoming a annoyance and a bother. 

Hell, maybe even uncaring. Giving up on the chase, which pisses Damien off.

Weren't you the one that wanted to be with him!?

Yan S/O acts like loving him was a phase. Which upsets him even more, he acts like it's not bothering him.

He starts missing your presence, whether if you were happy or timid around him.

"You already stuck around this long, might as well reward your efforts." Damien scowls, opening his hand out for you to take. A big smile breaks onto your face, which makes Damien freeze.

You won.

-

[Hope you enjoyed! Everythings appreciated!]

[thirdmagic]

the thing is that like. queer rights shouldnt even be the hot topic that they are in any of these discussions, because they are rarely ever relevant in the context they are brought up in. as far as social issues go we all live in glass houses no matter which culture we're from. not a single one of our societies, that any of us live in, has solved the issue of homophobia, or sexism, or any discrimination. none. none of us get to tell the other 'your society is worse than mine' and have that be anything but condescending posturing. absolutely none.

and no, there is not a single person who deserves death or is culpable for the crimes of their society just by virtue of being born in it. i should hope that goes without saying but the past month and a half have proven otherwise. every single innocent person deserves to be free of the horrible cycle of violence we're caught in. no state crimes, no amount of human rights violations, make the death of unrelated innocents justifiable, in any context, and i mean in any context.

but do you know why this gets brought up. because of you fucking westerners who keep projecting this idea that israel embodies every single colonialist evil you can think of, but it's the colonialist evils of your countries and your societies that you have guilt about, that you are familiar with personally. and you project every single social cause that you personally are invested in onto the palestinian cause instead of listening to them, instead of actually trying to understand what work is required to actually help them and what they actually need, because you project this idea of the socialist queer liberators that you want to be onto every single movement that is remotely anti-western or anti-american. and it's honestly really embarrassing but also shows your ignorance about those societies.

and i frankly think that bringing up homophobia in either gaza or the west bank (for purposes that aren't raising awareness, which, it usually isn't) as a gotcha is both extremely tasteless and totally irrelevant most of the time and just serves to delay the conversation and also, again, is not a judgement any of us from the outside get to make, and doesn't make their deaths any less tragic or any more deserved. and i would say the same about the homophobia in israeli society that i am well familiar with, as a queer person who lives here and is stuck in the more conservative parts of the country. but it gets brought up as a counter to the false narrative coming from westerners and constantly spread around- this narrative that this is a fight between one society that's a perfect haven of queer liberation and one society that is nothing but homophobic evils, and that the society that's full of homophobic evils has no innocents in it. because it is not true. not for any of us.

we are not a cartoon bad kingdom and a cartoon good kingdom. we are two equally complex, versatile societies with their own complex histories and things to work through, and your dichotomic thinking simply cannot seem to process this idea. that's why the arguments on queer rights in either of these countries get drawn in. to point out what what you are presenting simply is not factually true and is a simplification of a much more complex reality, which is kind of the pattern in this discourse in general.

i just don't think it's an argument worth having because it's besides the point in the first place, and the point is that none of us deserve violence, none of us deserve to die, and none of us are culpable for the governments playing power games between each other at our expense.

[magodangretsus]

Okay alien stage analysis on a running theme I noticed since the first video and have been paying attention to so far: love as a savior.

(spoilers for Round 5, which I have managed to analyze through this lens.)

Mizi and Sua make this most obvious - we get it from Mizi's point of view, but I assume the feeling is mutual. Mizi explains in the song break of My Clematis that humanity has forgotten God, no longer believe because their lives are cruel and unfair, if God exists, he's abandoned them. Humans are slaves, killed for entertainment and sport. But these children are afraid, they want hope, they want to be saved from their suffering. So Mizi believes in Sua - not in that she's going to actually deliver her from her suffering, but in that the love they share will make it bearable.

Mizi and Sua's time together and their love for each other makes them able to smile, gives them hope of a way out of Alien Stage - they join hands and sing as one, and feel like their love will save each other from death, that it will break the system. (They fail, but that they had hope in the first place is what matters. They hadn't given up, in the face of all the suffering they felt.)

My initial interpretation of Round 2 is that Till, equally suffering and longing for hope and escape, saw their love and dreamed that Mizi's love would save him as well.

Now having watched Round 3, I think it's equally true that, seeing a girl whose love can save, he also wanted to be her savior. He found the strength to be brave, to rebel, because he loved her. And that courage saves him as well, saves him from giving into fear and hopelessness.

And, of course, Ivan - Ivan wanted to be Til's savior. He literally rescued him, offered him escape, but even literally becoming Til's savior did not make him Til's love - Til still wanted to be Mizi's, so much that he gave up the chance to be saved himself.

So of course, when it was announced that Luka would be the focus of the next Alien Stage video, I came into it with my eyes focused on what Luka thinks a savior is, if he has someone he wants to save or be saved by.

At first glance, this question simply is not answered. Our first glimpse of him is kissing the bloodied hand of his round 4 opponent (whose hair you can see in the background, it matches what we see on the tournament bracket). They are lying in a tub filled with their own blood, and to me, it looks like Luka is responsible, or at least pleased with the outcome.

And then throughout his song, he is cruel - teasing a clearly traumatized Mizi, taking control of her while she attempts to resist, panicked, until she finally breaks through and stops his voice herself. Many initial reactions I've seen are to the tune of "wow, Luka is horrible, I'm so glad Mizi beats his face in!!" He is an antagonist.

At least at first glance. I noticed something (after rewatching like 70 times) - when Mizi is being pulled off Luka, he smirks.

Hyuna is among those arresting Mizi, and she meets eyes with Luka as she takes her away. She isn't killed on stage the way Sua was, and when we see the ending bracket, after Mizi's picture is darkened, we see those error notifications "ERROR: MIZI MISSING". Missing means she wasn't killed, even though Luka won the match.

I think Luka and Hyuna were working together to save Mizi. I assume to help them end Alien Stage, save them all and break the cycle. We don't know yet, but I think we will find that the concept of a savior will become very relevant to Luka as well.

[fountainpenguin]

"So sing your sad excuses... You've got the scars to prove it."

---

Wait, this isn't an Origin of the Pixies update... We have a new Frayed Knots chapter today!

Chapter 34 - “Floodgates”

Read on FFN || Read on AO3

---

While Anti-Cosmo and his mother are on Anti-Fairy migration season, they decide to hatch a little scheme... and pick the Head Pixie's brain while they're at it. They've got questions about Anti-Fairy World's inheritance laws, and who better to ask than the pointy-hatted freak in the spreadsheets himself?

... And if you like that joke, Anti-Wanda's got a few more up her sleeve. Check it out!

(First 1,000 words under the cut)

---

Floodgates

In which Anti-Cosmo and his mother network with the Head Pixie, Anti-Blade challenges Anti-Lance, and Anti-Cosmo tutors Anti-Wanda in the Winter of the Scattered Whispers

---

Anti-Buster approved me to wear a new betrothal ring, seeing as I'd thrown mine off in the Eros Nest and none of us dared ask the Eros Triplets if I could have it back. We spoke of it in private. I kept my eyes downcast and told him what I wanted. He did not deny me that request, nor urge me to break ties with Mona.

For that, I was grateful. If she'd discovered our false betrothal all because Anti-Buster had put down his foot on the matter, well… I think I would have flown away from Cedarcross and never shown my face in Anti-Fairy World again. I might still be out there in the wild now, my entire body horribly overcome with gangrene, likely addicted to regeneration cycles and whimpering about all that I had lost. No, thank you… I'd cling on to my comforting lies. Without them, I might not be able to breathe.

Well, I met Anti-Buster, Fairy-Coleen, and the High Count all in the breakfast room in the very early hours of the day. Anti-Buster did all the fitting for me, though Coleen Prime floated nearby so she could offer the occasional thumbs up. The Fernfire family knows their gems… I'll say that much. I only wished I could choose one from the box she'd brought downstairs for Anti-Bryndin. My betrothal ring was mere foggilite. I wouldn't get the traditional black leather band with a gem until my wedding day. Though, I'd been wondering if I might be able to swap the leather out for a less animal-related material…

"A citrine," the High Count decided at last. He actually was the High Count right now, for Winni had shifted his attention somewhere else and had no interest in using his body at the crack of dawn. I turned away from the small mirror in Anti-Buster's hands to see Anti-Bryndin lifting a small jewel from Fairy-Coleen's display box. He weighed it in his palm. It was neatly cut, perfectly square. "Yes, this is good. An amethyst holds a pretty colour, but here is my true need. This best represents our friendship now."

"It suits him," Fairy-Coleen said, bowing low. She would have said that about any gem, I'm sure, but Anti-Bryndin looked satisfied nonetheless. He motioned for Anti-Buster to turn the mirror away from me and focus on him instead. Oh. As I watched, Anti-Bryndin took hold of his tongue and dragged it down. We Anti-Fairies are known for our long tongues, which we decorate with gemstones representing our closest friends and partners. I still carried both Anti-Lance's and Anti-Kanin's on the back of my tongue, although I'd considered removing the latter several times.

Anti-Bryndin looked as though he had a few gemstones in need of replacing. It's one of the downsides to acidic saliva, but of course… one of the perks of being noble is to enjoy gemstones any time of day you want them. A piece of jade on the High Count's tongue represented Anti-Elina. The ruby was for my mother. Although no one had confirmed the amethyst for me, I couldn't imagine anyone more fitting for it to represent than Shamaiin Vieldgarr, his childhood friend and the current Purple Robe.

There were two more gems for people I didn't recognise. So… did he plan to add the citrine to his tongue, then? That didn't seem quite right to me. It's traditional to select a favour together, with the favoured person identifying a stone they feel truly represents them and the recipient covering costs…

I didn't mean to stare, but Anti-Bryndin caught sight of me in the mirror and turned his ears my way. "Ah. Do you wonder about this citrine, Anti-Cosmo?"

My wings jumped. "Oh! Um…" I ducked my head, glancing off. "No, sir. I didn't mean to intrude on your personal space." I adjusted the Water-blue ring on my knuckle. But Anti-Bryndin didn't seem to notice I'd just tried to dip out of the conversation.

"Yes, it is a long time in coming, this favour jewel for my tongue…" Leaning his hip against the small food table beside us, Anti-Bryndin reached out and casually plucked up an apple. Its surface had grown dull, now freckled with brown, but he held it before his eyes as though it shone. He smiled. "These sounds in the energy field betray your curiosity. I do not mind this. It is for the Head Pixie that I choose a favour, but time zones have ruined him. We will discuss details tonight."

I coughed. More than a bit, actually; I spluttered. I only felt grateful that I hadn't been drinking from the wineglass one of the servants had brought me. But even without the shower of wine to accompany my shock, I forgot my composure. I forgot where I stood and whom I addressed. I whirled around.

"What? You don't mean he actually-? But- but… He's Seelie!" I couldn't believe the bizarre timing of it all, imagining this revelation back to back with my explanation to Blonda on why Seelie and Unseelie interactions rarely ever worked. I shook my head. "H-how did you manage to pierce your tongue if he doesn't even have…?"

Anti-Buster lay his hand on my shoulder. I fumbled my sentence to a close. Anti-Bryndin looked me over with pure amusement sparkling in his eyes. He nodded with a slight dip of his head. "The Head Pixie and I hold a relationship that is very close, and we choose to exchange the deepest of commitments."

"C-congratulations." My face must have been raspberry purple. I… I didn't understand. Certainly I knew that Anti-Bryndin and the Head Pixie must preen together, even deep preen, as Seelie political expectations would dictate the two leaders of two powerful races do, but for Anti-Bryndin to go as far as adorning the Head Pixie's chosen favour on his tongue…

I shivered. That was one step beyond political expectations. There must be deep affection between the two of them indeed, but I couldn't imagine how Anti-Bryndin had coaxed such commitment from the Head Pixie in such a short span of time. Um… Relatively speaking, anyway. I suppose they've had their friendship for nearly 10,000 years, so I may be exaggerating somewhat. But still, the Head Pixie agreeing to exchange favours…

… Had Anti-Bryndin actually informed the Head Pixie what that sort of bond implied? It might be incredibly rude of me to imply he didn't. But had he? My core twitched and fluttered in my head. Are you even allowed to exchange favours with another head of state? Surely that interferes with politics, and surely that must be seen as a conflict of interest somewhere along the way, wot?

[Cnt'd on FFN / AO3 - Links at top]

[beneathsilverstars]

3 and 11 for the ISAT ask game

3- favorite soundtrack?

"It's Finally Over..."! It's 100% the track that stuck out to me the most while playing. That little bit of uncanniness... I can't tell if it's actually a teensy bit out-of-tune in that music box way or just using unexpected note combos or what, but it's obvious that something is ever-so-slightly off.

I almost chose "Isn't It Over?" but no — It's true that "It's Finally Over" wouldn't be what it is if it wasn't building up to the subsequent track, but it's specifically the build-up that I love. The absolute dread of knowing exactly what comes next and that there is nothing you can do to avoid it. You've already spoken to each companion, and again for the this-npc-is-out-of-dialogue line, and again for good measure. You've already sat on the bench, looked out the window. You've already desperately checked the exit one last time. You're just standing there listening to that horribly sweet little song and you just want it to be over already but you don't want to end it. you don't want to end it. you don't want to end it. but that's the only thing left that you can do.

It is such a well-done part of the game and the music is so perfect and makes it all the more powerful! Plus I just love pluck-y instruments like music boxes and harps haha.

11- any character headcanons?

Hmm... I headcanon that Pétronille is bipolar with psychotic symptoms! The other day I joked that I could knock out two post-canon birds with one stone by making Nille a licensed psychotherapist, but it was definitely a joke. Buut... if she's got some kinda shit going on, then she can still bring another perspective on mental health to the post-canon table, which is so useful, esp if it's a very different experience from Mirabelle's. I still haven't decided exactly what I want to give Siffrin, but definitely something with an element of psychosis, so with this Nille hc there will be someone in the party who gets the psychotic side, along with Mirabelle who gets the social anxiety.

Since Nille's nearly a blank slate, I went with bipolar because it's something I'm more familiar with (though I don't have it myself, I'm just a depressanxiety bitch). Being able to clearly picture the things she'd struggle with made her suddenly feel like a full-fledged character in my mind that I could have opinions on and make plans for! I'm particularly invested in the dynamic of her being a solo caretaker and having to get up each morning and keep being a stable presence for her sibling no matter how unstable she's feeling herself. It's fucking hard, but she had help, and you don't have to be perfect to do well enough, and she did quite well enough in the end!

I haven't decided my exact headcanons here yet, but since mood disorders can be hereditary, there's also a chance that a family history of mental health struggles contributed to the toxic household she ran away from. Breaking the cycle or whatever! I imagine she might get psychotically fixated on not fucking up the way her parents fucked up, worried that running away wasn't enough and the rot will follow their family forever. 😔 And then there's also a chance that Bonnie would have inherited it as well, and I love the idea of Bonnie growing up familiar with all of this mental health shit and by the time their own disorder starts manifesting they know exactly what it is and a variety of techniques for managing it. It's still difficult, but they have a much easier time than Nille did, and everyone is so fucking grateful that they're able to be there for Bonnie (and Nille) and help them live their best lives! And it turns out, Nille being mentally ill didn't prevent her from being a good caretaker for Bonnie - it actually made her the best possible caretaker for this child in particular.

[fishyviolet]

(no worries about a fast response! it's also late for me lol, and this'll be kinda long. +kinda comes with the hc territory, but tw for discussions of trauma, death, and suicide) i want to start this by saying i'm not trying to like demonize you or be argumentative! hc is a special interest of mine and i love analyzing the themes of it. and i definitely agree that vincent and charles have a deeply toxic and unhealthy relationship in canon, and personally i think it's really weird for people to just portray them as uwu soft gay boys in love because it really just romanticizes a dynamic that isn't good for either character

however, i do also think that boiling it down to "toxic scary horrible for each other forever" kinda doesn't fit with the themes of the series, and i don't think charles and vincent are always destined to be toxic and horrible. one of the main themes of hc to me is how circumstance impacts the healing of trauma and mental illness, and how that goes on to impact relationships. almost all the characters in hc are deeply mentally ill & traumatized and prevented from coping with this as they're retraumatized again and again, with no access to help, a big part of the true realm which translates to the largely metaphorical false realm - charlotte is destined to be the abused heroine, anri lashes out at everyone in self defense, charles dies and tortures himself in his own afterlife, vincent dies feeling deeply alone, etc. the characters deeply yearn for connection - vincent asks charles to be present for his last moments, charles and anri enter a relationship, etc - but this is distorted by their circumstance. charles' mental health restrains him from opening up, anri is too guarded to truly be vulnerable, vincent's view of life is heavily distorted by his delusions, etc

and while ep 3 does end on a more optimistic note (it isn't happy, but charles acknowledges a lot of his own flaws and moves on from the house, with etherane's commentary especially implying that it's the start of a healing journey) the main hc series is still largely deeply tragic and depressing. i'd like to add some text from near the end of hc3, when charles is discarding a vincent vessel and discussing him, as i feel it speaks to his self awareness with vincent in particular:

q84: Weren't you supposed to keep him safe?

charles: ...Yeah. I really messed up. In the end, all I did was postpone the inevitable. No matter what, there's no way I could've helped him. There was no way of "fixing" him, either.

q84: Well, duh, you can't go around trying to "fix" people. There's no way of doing that, anyway.

charles: I knew that somewhere on a subconscious level, didn't I? That's why the House is the way it is. Were I convinced I could change him, or anyone... They would've ended up being the brainwashed, unnaturally happy versions of themselves. Never once have I wished for that. However, the images of people I knew still became distorted in this place. Especially Vincent's. I was so fascinated with the idea of him that I failed to see him as a real person. That's why in the House, he's all but an empty shell. An imaginary construct.

before laying him to rest. it took putting himself through horrible cycle after horrible cycle to acknowledge the flaws in his own life, because he clung so hard to every coping mechanism he could.

but heaven's gate is noted to be a much quieter (and in my opinion, softer) visual novel - it examines a world where the most harsh aspects of hc aren't present (scarlett isn't there, nobody dies) and while the characters are still in bad circumstances, they're allowed to connect much more, especially with vincent and charles meeting earlier

but this doesn't mean hg is happy, just less intense. the characters are still in bad circumstances and still have deep amounts of trauma. but hg presents the characters an opportunity to heal from that trauma, even if by the end of the game, they're still in bad places mentally - it isn't a happy ending, it's a world where they someday have the hope of one. vincent is alive and interacts more heavily with charles, charles has less stress, and anri doesn't move away. even before the end, charles and vincent get more direct opportunities to bond, especially in sharing their works - in particular, i think of the scene where vincent says he has something to show charles, and when charles asks if it's a love confession, vincent says "almost" and shares aether, a work about how isolated he feels. he may not connect to charles, but he's willing to expose a vulnerable part of himself - a deeply personal act that he isn't shown to take with any other character, even ones he makes an effort to be friendly with.

the main point where i disagree with you is that the ending scene is representative of why they're so bad for each other - because while i agree it calls out how toxic both sides of the relationship are, i also think it's less a moment of "oh, we're bad for each other, we can't be friends/together" and more a moment that can start their healing journey. it's a scene that explicitly parallels other moments in hc, but it ends on an undoubtedly optimistic note.

the ending scene is one where charles and vincent truly open up and recognize the flaws in their relationship - charles accepts that he highly idealizes vincent and has trouble seeing him as his own person, and vincent admits that no matter how much he wants to, he's never been able to connect with other people and craves a sense of control. they have extremely different reactions to their trauma - charles desires to become one with another person, to lose his own individuality, and vincent is so walled off from other people he isn't even sure who he's supposed to be outside of an idealized view of himself that he projects to other people.

the difference from the main series is that nobody dies, and there's hope in the future. vincent admits to charles he tried to kill himself, and that he wants to connect to others but finds it nearly impossible; charles admits he hasn't been treating vincent fairly and hasn't been trying to get to know the real him. the ending text in particular i feel is poignant. an excerpt:

Neither of us can find comfort in each other's words. Neither of us know what to do.

"I want you to live," I croak out, not to a corpse, not to an imaginary construct, not to a vacant shell, but to Vincent Fennell himself.

History repeats. I can't see his face.

"I see," Vincent says simply. No tears, no surprises. That's how Vincent Fennell is. Yet, his words sound almost thankful. Vincent gets up and extends his hand to me.

"Congratulations on graduating, Charles." I reach out and accept his hand.

The future still remains uncertain. Yet, I feel like I'll be able to fall asleep tonight. The sun rises. A new day has come.

this parallels old scenes in multiple ways - the entire scene, charles keeps repeating that he has a sense of deja vu, that he's been here before, mirroring vincent's suicide scene (also on a high location where he has his first true heart to heart with vincent). charles outright echoes frei's line on love and individuality - he wants to lose his own sense of self to connect to vincent due to his own self loathing. and most vitally, he echoes the scene of charlotte and c in hc2 where c asks charlotte to kill herself with him - both of them beg vincent/c not to die, not because they can convince the other to live, but because they want the other person to be in their life. "i want you to live." it's a selfish wish, but a wish born out of some form of care and connection.

at this point, their relationship isn't healthy. charles is just admitting that he really doesn't know vincent at all, and vincent is just admitting how distant he feels from everyone. but with the ending of hc3 being so heavily focused on moving on and healing (with etherane explicitly talking about how it was related to their own mental health journey), and with the ending lines of "yet, i feel like i'll be able to fall asleep tonight. the sun rises. a new day has come," i can't see this scene as just a pessimistic confirmation that the two are bad for each other.

to me at least, this scene signifies that though they've had a very rough and toxic relationship, vincent and charles are willing to acknowledge that, want to change, and in opening up to each other and confronting their flaws, their relationship can evolve. charles is accepting that vincent isn't the idealized person in his mind. vincent is accepting that he can't project a perfect image to everyone forever. they can never forget their past, but they can help each other heal from it

in conclusion because i know this is long as hell, i don't disagree that vincharles is a deeply flawed and often toxic relationship, but i also don't necessarily think it's inherently a cannibalistic and self-destructive one - i think hc tackles a lot of themes of uncontrollable circumstance hindering healing from trauma and mental health, and those things impacting interpersonal relationships, and the end of the series is largely about confronting those issues and trying to heal. and i think another big part of the series is that relationships that may be unhealthy due to unresolved trauma and mental health issues may not always be that way - and that hurt people, even if they aren't in a good state now, can help each other heal, even if the journey is hard.

// anonymous submission

Everything below is my thoughts/comments

Oh i absolutely agree w your points! I never really meant to imply that the ending scene of HG was meant to be purely pessimistic or that i was viewing it as such; obviously, admitting one's faults (Charles acknowledging that he wasn't seeing Vincent as a person) is the first step to healing them, and in this case specifically he goes a step further and makes an effort to amend that fault (indeed speaking to Vincent Fennel himself). I was more trying to reinforce how insane it is to me that some people see their relationship as being way more genuine than it actually is Despite context like this. like I personally completely forgot the dialog of the exchange you cited between charles and q84 just because my memory is shit (and i probably need to reread hc at some point soonish). im sure plenty of others are also just as forgetful as I am in this regard. but the ending scene in heavens gate is literally the climax of the story so it's a lot easier to internalize and remember and factor into interpretation and such. thats why i brought it up in specific: when this is the climax of the story, how can one forget that charles is completely deluding himself in regards to how he sees Vincent?!?

i agree that the climax of heaven's gate is very optimistic. I think if vincent and charles worked hard and had the desire to do so, they could theoretically enter a deeper relationship, whether that be a true friendship or a romance or whatever. i liek heavens gate

also re: the Daydream rpf bit that was mainly a joke LMAO i absolutely agree that what vincent represents in The House is far deeper than that! i just thought the connection was funny :] your thoughts are super awsome i will be rereading it if i ever wanna think abt hc agai yayyy

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC Review: Glitterland by Alexis Hall

4.5/5. Rereleases 1/26/2023 in audio.

Vibes: grumpy/sunshine to the nth degree, hookups to lovers, modern interclass romance, actual bipolar rep.

Ash was once a literati prodigy--but after extreme ups and downs related to his bipolar disorder diagnosis, he's stuck with pulp fiction novels. His depression and anxiety-ridden routine is rocked, however, when he hooks up with the glittery, upbeat, and very different Darian. Although he claims to want nothing, time with Darian and his sunny outlook makes Ash want everything. The question is--with all going on in his mind, can he keep it?

Oh, man, this one got me. It's hilarious, as Alexis books always are, but there's a depth here, an examination of class politics, the cynical versus the optimistic, and the issues that come with being bipolar. I say this as someone who has the same diagnosis as Ash--this hit home for me hard. I've never seen my disorder so well portrayed. And to have it wrapped up in a romance I actually loved? It just got me on a really deep level.

Quick Takes:

--Okay, so first off, I do want to talk about the bipolar rep here. Ash's disorder is not the only thing about him, and it's not the most important part of this book. This is a true romance, and Ash and Darian's relationship is the focal point. That said, this is a single POV book (which is hard to sell me on, but Alexis always does) and you see exactly what's going on in Ash's head the whole time. The ups and downs, the struggles. I wouldn't say Ash cycles particularly hard over the course of the story. He has meds that work for him. This is not a "this diagnosis is new" story.

What he does struggle with a lot accepting that he has this disorder and that it will always be a part of his life, but it does not necessarily have to dominate his life. There's a passage in this book wherein Ash is basically like "this is always going to happen, no matter what meds I'm on I will always have these episodes, this is always going to keep me from having stable relationships, this is my existence". And I've never really had my own thoughts about being bipolar spelled out so clearly for me. That was truly... validating. It's a very specific fear, committing to the idea that you will always have this and it is going to keep you from being who you would've otherwise been. There's something about having to let go of that alternate reality, while also fighting the idea that this reality basically condemns you to solitude or horrible relationships--not just romantic, but platonic and familial. It's hard.

And this shit isn't resolved completely by the end, because it can't be? Like, I fully believed in an HEA for Ash and Darian. But it'll take work!

--Alright, so onward. The characters are so lovable here. Well, with a couple of notable supporting exceptions, but they weren't supposed to be lovable (though one of them, despite doing something I personally considered unforgivable, was very HUMAN). I fucking fell in love with Ash and Darian equally, though they are absolute total opposites. I love a hero who sees the object of his affections, is ridiculously turned on, and is like "how the FUCK am I hard right now" and that is Ash. For all that Darian is obviously beautiful and obviously charming, he's not the type of beautiful and charming Ash thinks he should want... or, to be honest, thinks he deserves?

I actually related to both Ash and Darian in different ways (see: having bipolar). And I don't know if that was intentional, this contrast of dark and light, of energy and apathy, of optimism and pessimism. But it worked.

Although we're in Ash's head alone and we do get to know him better, I will say that the insights we got into Darian's life were significant enough for me to totally feel like I got him. He's bright and bubbly, but he's not flat, and he's not a manic pixie dream boy. He has responsibilities. He wants to model, but he's also in it for the money and is quite realistic about where his future lies on that front. He doesn't expect to be famous; but he does want to help support his family.

And the thing is, you need Darian to be as cheerful and lovely as he is, because Ash's head is not always easy to be in. It's dark in there. He struggles. He's funny, he's relatable, but he's not at all stress-free to read about. And the balance Alexis strikes between the two isn't just about romance; it's also about making a technically strong book. These two work together so well--but their relationship isn't easy, largely because Ash cannot accept the idea that he's capable of having a good relationship.

--There's a lot of interesting class stuff here? I'm American--but I do know that the English class system is quite different from ours. Ash has an accent Darian considers "posh" (I cannot say whether or not it is); Darian is from Essex and has what I now know is an Essex accent. I really can't speak to how this is written in the print book, because I haven't read it (yet), but I believe Alexis wrote out the accent phonetically. Either way? The narrator does an amazing job of differentiating the two. I mean, I can't speak to the accuracy of Darian's accent, but I can say these two men read as totally different and it is great.

But yeah--Ash does look down on Darian for having this really orange tan and being loud in every sense of the word and having friends with tons of Botox. At first. He has to get over a lot of shit through the course of the story, and realize that he's being an ass. It's GREAT. I love reading about a hero who's legitimately snobby and elitist and see him get over it.

--Okay, for all the deep shit, this is an amazing romcom (I mean... romdramedy? It's a romance and it's funny but also angsty, okay). There are so many moments where I just imagined the most glittery, bouncy person alive bopping in circles around a very gloomy individual in all black, dark circles under his eyes, staring into space. Except, maybe, for when his glittery guy kisses him. Ash doesn't want to admit he's falling in love with Darian, yet he can't help trying to impress him, to get close to him, to really bond with him. Sometimes this made my heart grow three sizes. Sometimes it made me laugh.

Anyway, if you love a "black cat falls for golden retriever" book. This is it. I mean, if we're being real, Darian may be more like a goldendoodle (if my mom's dog could speak, he would be like Darian--I know this) but the point stands.

--You like a grovel? You like the "baby don't leave me I miss you baby I'm sorry baby" sobbing mess shit? Oh, you will like this. I was practically high off how good this grovel was.

--There's a really interesting subplot with a supporting character that... I would not have reacted to in the same way as Ash. But I think Ash's perspective was informed by some very specific relationship things that made his decisions extremely realistic. I will say, one thing that happens to Ash due to this dynamic is one of my worst fears, and it made me feel like I'd been slapped. (In a good way. I mean, it sucked, but it was so well done. I wasn't triggered by any means.) It was also incredibly realistic, based on tastes I've had of that kind of behavior.

The Sex:

Probably my favorite sex scenes I've read in an Alexis Hall book thus far. This is a "fuck first feelings later" book (which I love). Ash and Darian have sex well before they fall in love, and Ash is soooo horny for Darian. Which bemuses him, because wanting someone this badly isn't normal for Ash. That sense of REALLY inexplicably wanting someone was so well depicted, though.

And the sex scenes themselves really worked. They were hot, they were sweet, they were... real good. A particular favorite was one that followed Ash blurting out that he has an antique desk and asking Darian if he'd like to fuck him over it. YES. PLEASE. I love someone being so attracted to the other person that they literally can't contain themselves.

There was also some exploration of different types of sex (nothing crazy, but Ash asks Darian to do something Darian isn't really familiar with) and I found that kind of like... Asking for something and discussions of comfort levels and curiosity really nice to see in a contemporary. It's less "oh ho I know it all and I'll lead you through it" and more "I would like you to do this for me if you want to do it because I think we would both enjoy it".

TW: past suicide attempt, past self harm, suicidal ideation, shaming of mental health issues.

Anyway, I thought this was great. I think it was Alexis's debut--which is crazy. The talent! I've been wanting a go at Glitterland for a while, and it did not disappoint at all.

Thanks to Netgalley and Dreamscape Media for providing me with a copy of this audiobook. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[mosscaller]

Ah, the things you learn...

Earlier this evening, my Wife found a manila envelope that contained some old school files, and test scores from when I was living with my Mom. ( I'm not entirely sure why I took it. There isn't much in there that really matters. Or so I thought.) 

But she went through it with me, and kept getting more and more upset. 

The files in there were information from my "IEP". 

There was a lot of conflicting things said from each of my teachers. Which she told me that several did not seem to like me. Due to how they worded things. It was quite upsetting, considering I don't remember much from those years due to trauma and severe memory issues. 

"Emotionally handicapped" - that was at the title of the first page. 

Several of my teachers said I was an angry, upset child. ( Because yes, I was upset for having to live with people that continuously abused and threatened at every turn. ) Of course, I lived in an environment that no one should have to. 

My Wife explained that a lot of what was in file pissed her off, because her son went through some eerily similar things. "If I had been around while this was happening, none of those people would have liked my reaction. You didn't deserve any of that honey.." 

I kind of feel vindicated, but then there's the upset that sinks in. 

"You were misdiagnosed. They saw no signs of ADHD..." 

But there was HEAVY autism signs that they either missed or ignored. 

I know now that I have Autism, but how could you miss something like that? 

Maybe it was because I was female then, and they are often misdiagnosed. 

I'm sitting with all of this, but I really don't know how to feel. That paperwork opened my eyes and there is a lot I have to figure out. I wish I could talk to my Mom and get the truth from her. But I know she will do nothing but lie. 

Even more, I had spoken with her half sister a week ago through fb, so I could finally get some answers and she was incredibly kind. But straight to the point. A few things I guessed were true. 

Her Father was a Monster. I know why she ran away at 17 and ghosted everyone. All of them knew what she had been going through and no one did anything to stop it. 

But that doesn't erase what she did to me. She continued the cycle and it sickens me. 

The only thing I know is my Mother lives in Kentucky, in the Appalachian mountains. 

I want to reach out, and talk to her. I already lost one parent, and now this one hasn't spoken to me since I was 19. She has no idea where I am, what I look like.. 

But I can't risk my life to reach out, because she's a racist, a homophobe and a horrible person. 

I'm doing myself a favour by just moving on. 

It just hurts. 

[leonbloder]

What You Say Matters

"No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world." - Robin Williams

This coming Sunday, I will preach about the power of our words and how they can bring life and destroy life if they are wielded without conscience.

I'm pretty excited about preaching this sermon, but I'm also mindful of the impact that my own words might have. This is a constant consideration I make as a preacher every time I deliver a sermon.

Words matter. The way we speak to one another and about one another matters.

This is never more true than in the middle of a national election cycle (which we always seem to be in, but that's another issue).

We are in the midst of an existential crisis as a country, brought on by the devaluation of public discourse. People no longer value the weight of words.

In fact, they often ignore what is being said by their politicians of choice, even if it is blatantly awful, a bald-faced lie, extremely bigoted, tinged with hate, or just downright ludicrous.

And lest ye think I am being partisan here, this sad fact is true across a broad political and social spectrum. Ignoring what is being said is an entirely bipartisan activity.

Depending on our political leanings, we tend to believe that everything the politicians on "our side" say is true, and everything coming out of the mouths of those on the "other side" is decidedly false.

Let me say this, I do believe that when the words of politicians venture into name-calling, baseless accusations, outright fabrications, perpetuation of wild conspiracy theories, and pure old-fashioned hate-mongering, it should be called out by all of us.

Sadly, we are not there as a culture, mainly because so many of us have lost our consciences and moral compasses out of fear, primarily triggered by the same politicians.

The fact is that no matter how we have devalued the power of words as a society, they still carry the same weight.

We might do everything we can to selfishly mitigate their power or plug our ears while we spout off all the reasons why what is being said doesn't matter, but we can't ignore their effect on us.

And the effect they are having on us is painfully obvious. Our divided nation is exhibit A.

I was scrolling through Facebook this morning and saw some pretty awful political and religious posts by people I actually like. They may not have been "saying" anything, but the images and memes they posted or re-posted spoke volumes.

I was saddened by this because my first inclination was to be horribly disappointed in them. But in a culture where words don't seem to matter much, and the truth is buried underneath fear and dread, I decided compassion was the right emotion.

We're all feeling the effects of this issue in one way or another.

In the epistle of 1 John from the New Testament, the author writes to early Christians about the dangers of listening to anyone who speaks without assessing the weight of their words:

Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. (I John, 4:1)

The problem that the author of 1 John addresses was common in the early days of Christianity. All kinds of traveling preachers and teachers professed to have a corner on the market regarding the truth of the Gospel.

Isn't it great that we've moved beyond all that kind of thing? (he wrote sarcastically)

Here's the thing: We know when something is said that is wrong at its core. We know this because we have our own filters and guidelines for what we say (at least we should), and depending on our circumstances, we police our own words for fear of how they might impact those we care about.

This is why testing the spirit of what is being said is vital for those who claim to follow Jesus. If what is being said directly opposes Jesus' teachings, perhaps we should be more careful in accepting it.

If what is being said is more apt to destroy life than give it, we should resist rather than repeat it because it plays into our fears.

May we learn to practice faithful discernment. May we find compassion toward one another, as well as forbearance.

And may the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with us all, now and forever. Amen.

[pandythoughts]

my relationship with addiction is a rollercoaster that I can't wait to get off of

the worst part about self-destruction is how intimate that relationship with yourself becomes. you become so bonded with your addiction and illness that leaving it behind feels so unfamiliar. you feel lost without that part of you. without that connection to yourself. although, that connection isn't true love. its manipulative, evil, and sucks the life out of you. it's one of the most narcissistic relationships you'll ever experience and what really sucks about it, is that it's with yourself. growing and healing from that relationship with yourself will be one of the most unbearable yet gratifying feelings you will endure on this journey of finding the true love and respect you have for yourself. some days you'll sit pondering the idea of "just one drink won't hurt me." which wouldn't hurt, but you're the kind of person who's an addict, so unfortunately, it will hurt. it will end up hurting you more than you can even anticipate in that moment because that part of you, that you think loves you so deeply, is manipulating you into ruining you, because that part of you feels like you deserve nothing better. that part of you wants to force you to believe that you are so unworthy of truly loving yourself for who you really are. that part of you wants you to think that without substance, you're not funny, you're not clever, beautiful, cool, intelligent, and that part of you will hold such a tight grip on you that you'll actually start to believe it. then there you are. a half gallon of vodka, 2 grams of cocaine, and three days later, feeling like the scum of the earth because eventually you have to snap back to reality. that part of you that you thinks loves you so much, will leave for a while. leave you to deal with the shame, guilt, and pain. all alone. then finally when you've sat there with all the horrible feelings and thoughts you've been dealing with, that really make you want to leave behind the life you think is so fun and cool, that part of you that you think loves you so much, comes back and convinces you that this is as good as it will ever get. the vicious cycle continues, and you keep getting further away from what you deserve. when I tell you that addiction is the most toxic relationship to ever exist, I'm not fucking kidding. I really envy the people who never have gone through this. its excruciating, exhausting, just all-around fucking depressing and takes so much fucking strength to let go of that version of their self. so much god damn will power.

you're ruining your actual meaningful relationships in life. you find yourself fighting with your boyfriend because respectfully he doesn't want a girlfriend who's an addict. so, you tell him you'll stop because you don't want to lose him. you love him and can't imagine being without him, but that super narcissistic relationship with yourself is by far more intimate, well, at least that's what it has convinced you. now you find yourself hiding the truth from him. you're partying several times a week and getting so much more intimate with the shittiest version of yourself. on the verge of losing the relationship with the person who truly loves, respects, and wants the best for you. how fucking tragic right? that's how truly brutal addiction is. after telling my boyfriend I'd stop over and over again, he told me that he felt like i was cheating on him with drugs and alcohol. i absolutely was. the idea of getting fucked up always sounded way cooler than staying in on a Friday night watching movies with him. don't get me wrong, I love him, but just not as much as i love the self-sabotaging side of myself. this side of me is chaotic, impulsive, careless, and free. this side comes and goes though. this part of myself ups and leaves when the party's over. one person who never leaves no matter what, is him. even when I'm giving all my attention to the side of me that doesn't even serve me. so why do I choose this fucked up relationship that i have with the shittiest version of myself? because that's how twisted addiction is. I've been an addict for 14 years. I've been in this horrific relationship with addiction for 14 fucking years and all its done is gotten shittier.

I'm exhausted. it's a roller coaster ride. the emotions i experience as an addict have ripped me to shreds. chewed me up and spit me out. grabbed me by my hair and threw me against a wall. the most abusive and evil relationship I'll ever know. I'm so ready to let go and never look back. finding the strength will be the hardest part. I'm so wrapped around the fingers of the addict side of me, but you eventually have to be so fed up with your own bullshit and you have to let it go. I've been clean for nearly a week now. with the new year approaching I'm not exactly confident I can hold on to my sobriety, but I'm confident that this new year I'll be able to break it off. I'll build a new relationship with the version of myself that has so much unconditional love and respect for me. so much self-work is in the future and I believe in my potential.

[mariaiscrafting]

You know, what think I like when you are critical of a content creator is that you know how to separate a fact from especulation, unlike a blog out there that took especulation as facts.

Example, that night when we were critical of Karl, or any instance you have discussed about him, a lot of anons were saying that he gave them clout chaser vibes to them, and despite your opinion, you expressed that those were only especulation and not the truth, and to keep that in mind. That's good critical thinking.

But this blog had some similar anons, saying that he only is friends with the Feral Boys gro clout- In fact, they said the Feral Boys were only in it to benefit from clout and money. And they took it as a truth. I know you instance on them is neutral, but come one, they are friends. All of them. Karl isn't friends with them for clout. Like today Karl was playing golf with salad gang plus Sapnap and George at first and then Quackity and Dream joined bc they had spared time and it all devolved into typical chaos (Poor Corpse and Tina and Brook, had to endure those children lol/lh /j). Like, the stream wasn't planned with the 5/5 yet they joined, missing Karl and just having fun.

Idk, I guess that blog's superiority (They were a SBI focused blog) just irritated me. It's as if they were putting both groups at each other as if those streamers aren't friends or close. They were singing prayers of one while shunning the other based from especulation. Criticissism is fine, in fact recommended to be critical of your interests, but taking rumors as facts to base your crit is yikes. It's as if I wanted to crit SBI and base it only of "Philza hanging only with people younger than him is kinda weird ngl.." or "Sbi doesn't care about Tommy cuz he joined late" like that dumb Tumblr post did or some fuckers in Twitter imply.

The main reason I take so much care to separate speculation from evidence-backed theories and confirmed truths is because I feel like that separation is what distinguishes us from mcyttwt the most. One of the main reasons for mcyttwt's toxicity, imo - for its relentless cancelling of everyone, for its bandwagon campaigns - is that people oftentimes criticize and defend based on their personal feelings rather than rationale or evidence.

For example, I complain a lot about Dream stans on here, but you know the reason I didn't stop watching Dream directly after the cheating scandal broke loose, even though I thought he cheated? Because of mcytblr Dream stans. Mcytblr Dream stans engaged with me in discussion, both publicly and in DMs, about the cheating scandal, and even those who eventually came to the conclusion that Dream didn't cheat accepted the facts and statistics they were given and kept a healthy skepticism throughout the process. On Twitter, Dream stans were defending him before he even made a video following up to the mods' initial accusations because they felt that Dream wasn't the kind of guy to lie or cheat. They were replying to screenshots of statistical analyses from subreddits and to articles from mathematicians and staticians with extremely reactionary responses because of that feeling, which they believed in so adamantly, they had accepted it as fact. The thing is, to believe that Dream didn't cheat in the face of all the statistical and rhetorical evidence to the contrary is, in itself, speculative. Usually we think of speculation as a baseless theory that something is a positive truth- that is to say, that something did happen. But speculation also applies to those theories of someone not having done something, when the opposite has been nearly proven to be true.

For this same reason, I chose not to ignore the anti-technotwt threads with screenshots of Techno's old tweets in them. For me to have simply ignored these screenshots and continued supposing that Techno never expressed bigoted beliefs and/or currently doesn't would have been speculative on my part, and to boot, blatantly wrong, given the evidence to the contrary.

People in this fandom, and in all RPF/RPF-adjacent fandoms need to understand that almost everything they believe about the CCs they watch is speculative, at least to some extent, because of the nature of the content they make. Even if someone, in your opinion, displays evidence of some aspect of their personality - whether that be some form of bigoted, sweet, rude, clout-chasing, or anything else - because of the extremely one-sided nature of sharing one's life through a screen, that theory of ours will almost alwyas only ever be speculation, not a solid conclusion that can be drawn. We will never know these people's true intentions behind something shared to us via the Internet.

That vagueness leads to virtually every viewer creating a different theory in our heads about the CCs we watch, and we can't treat those theories as facts, especially not when sharing them with the rest of a fandom. I'm not a very big blog, but I consider even over 50 followers to be way too many people to spread a theory too, without at least clarifying that what I'm posting is speculation. If I have evidence, I like to list it or, if I can, provide sources; but otherwise, I take care to qualify most things with phrases or disclaimers that will clue followers into the speculative nature of whatever it is I'm saying. This is because theories and "feelings" can blaze through a fandom like wildfire, especially somewhere like Twitter, where so many things are word-of-mouth or based on summary due to character limitation.

You know why mcyttwt was cancelling Andi? Only a handful of original Tweeters under the cancel Andi hashtags actually knew what clips or tweets to criticize her for, or tried to elaborate on that criticism. But because every other mcyttwt user was getting bombarded by their mutuals hate-posting about Andi on their TLs, the "negative feeling" towards Andi grew and grew, even if most people didn't even know what they were supposed to feel negative about, exactly. Our judgement works on a quick trigger on the Internet because of the amount of information we're receiving, and so, even a single bad word against someone you don't have too strong of an opinion on can fundamentally alter your perception of them, usually subconsciously. If the first thing you see about Andi, who you've only seen on a couple LOH's or a couple Punz streams before then, is a tweet along the lines of, "disappointed in Andi for her homophobia and joking about suicide," despite you having no context, you will most likely be pushed to the negative side of her. Thus begins the cycle of hatred, building up and up, leading to you searching for more and more criticism about Andi, whether speculative or not, until you solidly and genuinely believe she is a Horrible Person. It all starts with the vaguest fucking feeling, because that's all speculation has to go off of, and it snowballs into a fucking wildfire across an entire fandom. I'm not about to be another person to let feelings snowball and spread like that.

Now, I don't know what exact blog you're referring to, but as an adamant SBI enthusiast, let me flip the argument many SBI stans have for their speculation upon the genuity of Karl's friendship with the Feral Bois, onto SBI. What do we have to go off of for the genuity of SBI's friendship, anyways? Our perceived brother dynamic between Tommy and Wilbur could very well just be Tommy capitalizing on Wilbur's brand and continuing the charade until now because it's been profitable. Maybe Techno only continues to associate with SBI because he knows how much his fanbase likes headcanon'ing about SBI, so he puts up with streams with them so he can continue to feed his fanbase with dynamics he knows they're obsessed with. Maybe Phil would rather play MC with people his age, and actually dislikes that he's friends with a teenager, but sticks around because he profitted so much off of Dream SMP and SBI-related content. And what could any SBI stan have to argue with me on any of these theories? Just because SBI laughs around each other and seems fond of each other doesn't mean they're actually like that behind the cameras. They so seldomly stream or make videos together anymore, anyways, so maybe they've grown tired of keeping up the dynamic.

Everything I said could be interpreted as utter bullshit, and that's because it fucking is. I don't actually know what Techno wants to do with his life, or how Wilbur and Tommy actually feel about each other, or who Phil wants to fucking befriend. The same goes for Feral Boys. There's nothing wrong with stating your theories or speculation, but to treat them as fact or not at least qualify such posts with the fact that this is all based on your bias and opinion, and no substantive evidence, is irresponsible. Just because you feel like one or more of the Feral Boys is "clout-chasing" doesn't mean you have the right to tout that feeling as truth. I feel a lot of things about a lot of CCs, both negative and positive, but no matter how strong my feelings, unless they have substantive evidence backing them up, I have no right to treat them as facts with my followers.

[lostinmcyt]

here's the thing though, there are /some/ people who call themselves dream apologists who do excuse abuse. just like there are /some/ other people in the fandom who excuse torture, and say he deserves it. here's what i've noticed though, there are more c!dream sympathists who are Like That on twitter and reddit (eugh, reddit), and there are more c!tommy apologists who are Like That on tumblr. (though there are always some on any platform) i've seen so many bad faith, horrible takes on twitter from every side (i know i sound a little centrist here). and i have genuinely encountered people on twitter, with large followings who said "oh dream didn't abuse tommy, their relationship was just toxic" and no one came in and corrected them. my point is, firstly we need to stop judging "apologists" by the outliers, or by their bad apples. BUT i also think, if we're gonna view it as sides, both sides need to start taking a little accountability, and also call people out people in their /own/ group when they genuinely do spout victim-blaming rhetoric, instead of no-true-scotsmaning them out. 'cause i've been tryna do that best i can, if i do encounter it. and i know the response to the survey was a bit disappointing from my side, i know how shitty it feels when people don't, 1. get the point of ur character and 2. echo a lot of victim-blaming sentiments, even if the character itself isn't real, because the things they say are real, and sound so eerily familiar. i genuinely cannot be on dream smp twitter for that reason. - cube (once again back in ur inbox with a long-winded opinion :P)

okay now that i'm off work-

yeah shitty as it is I have also seen some people who say they're c!Dream apologists who do say that c!Dream did absolutely nothing wrong or that c!tommy deserved the exile treatment or whatever with their whole chest (notably only in form of twt screenshots posted here either by antis going 'SEE THEY'RE ALL ABUSE APOLOGISTS' or by us going 'yo what the actual FUCK', but then again, i have my dash curated to avoid shitty people so i'm not saying no one like this exists on tumblr) - and i 100% agree that in the true spirit of this fandom discussing moral conundrums on a daily basis they should be told that hey, actually, how about you maybe reconsider.

with the c!tommy apologists who say the torture is okay - well if you're a c!dream fan and try to discuss that point you get called abuse apologist in return because Exile is the only arc that matters and we cannot discuss anything else ever and the cycle continues xD so a lot of us gave up lmao and now we just ask people to tag appropriately and stare in horror otherwise

but this is touching on what I said - difference in the definition of what a c!dream apologist is. cause you know, i go by 'i acknowledge his faults but i'm going to look into his character deeper to try and understand where they came from as well as i don't believe he's irredemable because god damn everyone deserves a chance to get better' definition which is i think the most popular angle at least in my corner of dsmpblr. the people i talked about earlier would not be c!dream apologists by this definition, they'd be what i like to call, 'wrong' /lh

idk man, it's the generalization that gets me, and also the fact that people will go out of their way to show up in your asks or your notes or in general tags even and say 'yeah if you like this character/if you're an apologist you're actually abusive to people in real life' hen it couldn't be further from the truth but they don't know that nor do they care to stop and think about the fact that maybe they're wrong-

and people of this fandom only seem to go this far in c!dream/c!dream fans case, i don't think people go out their way to go to c!q fans and yell at them about torture or yknow to go to c!sam fans and yell about prison reforms (if they do, guys, i'm so sorry /srs) AND ALSO some one them will be like 'you're an abuser /j' like????????? hello??????????????? show me where the joke is.

sorry for how rambly i am my brain is melting from the heat you have no idea how much effort it took to reply lol

[resinatingbeauty]

A 'Witch Shop' Owner's Plea Before Casting That Love Spell

I don't personally offer many spell kits, mojo bags, etc. In my shop and avoid selling my 'Craft', as in, I don't advertise or list spell casting among my offerings, though I have had a couple of customers specifically ask if I could perform a spell I offered as a kit on their behalf for whatever reason. This is because I personally believe that the journey is just as important as the destination in witchcraft and many of the spell kits / spells I do offer are designed in such a way to soothe, relax, release, and heal throughout the process. Honestly, in addition, I really don't want the responsibility associated with performing magick on someone else's behalf for many reasons. The strength of my intent is not going to be as strong as yours, for example. Even if I effectively channel your energy, creating that personal connection between the beneficiary and the intent or purpose of the spell work is incredibly difficult at a distance. I'm always wary of other shops advertising this type of service- the sad truth of the matter is our little niche has been permeated by scammers, con artists, and frauds looking to take advantage of anyone looking for a solution to whatever it is that has them at this low point in life. I will tell you, more often than not it's love spells that the customer is after, and they are apt to find many options on Etsy, the platform I primarily do business on, and beyond.

I distinctly think of one potential customer who had contacted me one night obviously very upset. My heart went out to her immediately - I could just tell by what she was saying and how quickly she responded to me that she was in a state of panic and extreme emotional distress. She isn't the only one, but she stands out from the others as her desire to win back her ex lover was so strong it was evident that she would do anything and (potentially) pay anything for a chance to get things back to the way they were in her love life.

I am a human being. I have been given this amazing opportunity to pursue my passion to share my creations and spiritual / metaphysical knowledge with the world through my work. I understood a long time ago that this also meant I had a responsibility to do my best to help those in need and never knowingly harm, much like a doctor commuting to the Hippocratic oath. This may make me a flat out horrible business woman, but I would rather not sell someone on something I don't believe is going to help their situation. In fact, love spells usually make things worse. I'll get to that momentarily.

"Is there a spell to make her see what she has done wrong and to make her love and want me again?"

I allowed this customer to explain to me the situation and took the time to hear her out after telling her that I'm sure that she could find something like that elsewhere and someone else willing to sell her a spell kit or cast that spell, but I urged her to take a deep breath and talk to me before she did something that she would regret.

Thankfully, she spent the next hour or so explaining her situation and elaborating on everything that has happened in her relationship. It was one of those on again / off again things that so many of us get trapped in. Understandable, considering once you establish that strong bond of love, whether one sided or not, it's incredibly hard to cut that cord and move on especially if you're so emotionally invested (and maybe even financially invested) in this other individual who has had your heart for so long you can't imagine giving it to anyone else.

This PSA goes out to the broken hearted of all walks, as this is a universal experience for anyone who has been in love. There may not be someone to stop you from pursuing what you think will fix everything as I did for her, but I'm hoping if you read this, you'll think twice about acquiring and performing love spells or any magick in hopes that it will provide a quick fix to any situation.

•Beware the Opportunistic Con / Scam

Our field is flooded with scammers, con artists, and frauds that exclusively cater to those in this sweet girl's position and anyone who is vulnerable due to emotional distress or panic. Whether you need a love spell like she did to win back her ex or a quick fix to get more money in the bank or what have you, beware those that have used spiritual advisory and witchcraft as a means to peddle you their high priced garbaged. This is a tough one, as you may have a hard time deciphering what is 'legit' and what isn't, but there are some signs and facts you can look for when browsing these shops / websites.

-They promise / guarantee results within a specific or unrealistic time frame

Magick takes time to manifest and the true story is that nobody has a 100% satisfaction guaranteed spell book. More often than not, when spells come to fruition, it often isn't quite the way you would expect it to, either. Anyone promising a quick fix to anything is most likely just trying to take advantage of you when you are vulnerable and you better believe there will be no money back guarantee if said garbage doesn't work for you. OR, they like to do one of these:

-"Oh, your situation is worse than I thought. You're going to need this and this, with a huge $$$$ price tag."

This starts a never ending cycle of you pouring money into this scammer who will make you believe that it is necessary to do so. That maybe if you did throw them an extra $500 for their thingamajig that you will get what you want. This is only the beginning, as when THAT doesn't do it for you the way you would like, they will claim some other interference, maybe you're cursed or under psychic attack, and need something else even more expensive and elaborate to take care of that before you can even get to what you went to them for in the first place. Anytime someone proposes this type of thing, stop while you're ahead and don't provide them with a guaranteed cash flow that you aren't benefitting from at all. Also, be wary of ANY seller who makes outrageous claims- overnight changes, curing cancer, etc. Are unrealistic expectations.

•Understand What You Truly Need

Maybe it's time to consider an alternative path. The customer I spoke about DID ultimately purchase a tarot spread, which I was much more inclined to do for her than some love spell to win back this girl who has repeatedly broken her heart over the past few years and obviously got a kick out of it, the way she told it, as it was ALWAYS her doing the breaking up and blocking, starting all the drama. I told her I would much rather give her a spell to find her twin flame / soul mate than to win this person back who has perpetually been hurting her and taking advantage of her kindness.

Sometimes it's time to cut the cord before more damage is done. I understand it isn't easy to move on from someone you have loved and cultivated a relationship with over a long period of time, regardless of the negative energy that has invaded the relationship, we DO tend to focus on the positives, which leaves us a bit biased and blind to what we could have and deserve to have.

Take a moment if you are in a relationship situation like this, are beginning to question your current relationship, or are considering taking the next step in any relationship. Sit down with a pen and paper. On one side of the paper, write down all the things you love about that person. All the ways you think they have been the light in your life (be honest and give credit where credit is due!). Now on the other side, list the negatives or cons in your relationship. If one list is noticeably longer than the other, depending on which side it is, it may be time to consider breaking it off, giving things another shot, or taking things to the next level. Ask yourself;

-Do they support me in what I do, even if they don't understand or necessarily agree with it? (So long as it is something healthy -obviously if they're supportive of a bad habit or detrimental behavior, this is more like enabling and not a good thing)

-Do they have my best interests at heart more often than not?

-Do they show that they care? Even in the smallest of ways?

-Could I call them my "best friend?" Am I honest with them?

-Are they honest with me?

-Do they lift me up more than they put me down?

-Do you want the same things in life / have similar priorities?

-Is our relationship valuable to them the same way it is to me?

•LOVE SPELLS NEVER WORK THE WAY YOU WANT

This is the cold hard truth about love spells. Forget the warnings in movies and books, as it is hard to believe them or even take them as a legitimate warning when you haven't had the displeasure of experiencing what a love spell can do for yourself. I have, so you don't have to. This is MY story:

Of course love spells are very appealing when you're a young and naive teenager. I had a strong crush on this guy I had low key been stalking since middle school. I don't know why I liked him so much. Part of it I'm sure was the way he looked (hey, I'm being totally honest!) And how he came across to me. We had absolutely no interaction with each other outside of passing each other in the hallway. He had no idea who I was.

I had just borrowed a copy of Silver Ravenwolf's 'Teen Witch' (which is honestly a fantastic book for teens and young adults just starting to delve into Wiccan practices, which she follows exclusively) from a friend of mine and thought I would try the super simple love spell in the book figuring I had nothing to lose. All it consisted of was focusing on the subject, your intentions, writing their name on a piece of paper, folding it up and placing it under your pillow. I would sleep on that paper for months. I was in middle school just about to go into my freshman year of high school when I performed the spell and would forget about it up until the day it worked, a few months into my freshman year of highschool, when my crush was in the graduating class of that year- literally my last chance to make an impression.

I had gone to a local band's concert that was performing at the school's auditorium one day after classes and was just about to leave when my crush randomly approached me and started talking to me. It was like the whole world just stopped right there. I couldn't believe it. The thought of that spell crossed my mind briefly as we exchanged phone numbers.

Over time and getting to know him, he admittedly wasn't exactly my type. He was still someone whose friendship I valued, but not someone I could really put any effort into dating. About the time I realized this, his personality took a complete 180° turn for the worst. He was stalking me. Blowing up my cell phone (which was a prepaid piece of junk at that time I really couldn't talk on for more than a minute without paying a fortune), so much so one evening when I was at Jukido Jujitsu practice that I came home to something like 32 missed calls and 17 voicemails from him, each one showing gradual frustration and anger. This scared me. I knew I had to confront him about it and break this off before it got worse.

I caught him in a populated area of the school the next day before homeroom- more like he came up to me out of nowhere like he knew I would be passing through that part of the school that day- and I confronted him about the calls,attempting to gently explain to him that I wasn't interested in a relationship and I would like to continue being friends. He blew up at me and threw me against the brick wall of the school, trying to kiss and touch me in front of every single person that walked by. I wish I was making this up.

Thankfully a teacher came and pulled him off. Nothing much else was done. I did my best to avoid him and cut him out of my life entirely from that point on.

I don't know if it was the love spell or if this would have occurred anyways. All I knew was that what had been originally a very sweet, big hearted guy that was soft spoken with low self esteem became a monster in a matter of weeks. The take away from this and what I have personally seen with other's experiences with love spells is that they tend to bring out the worst characteristics of the person they are cast on and you have to be really careful what you are actually asking for when thinking about 'desire' and 'passion.' This intent can quickly lead to stalking, obsession, and not in a good way. Another customer of mine who originally came to me for my Forgiveness Spell Kit and had the desired results also, unbeknownst to me, had someone else perform a love and desire spell in addition to it. The guy that she was reverted into an obsessed jerk who decided to spread rumors about her on social media and beyond, blocked her on all platforms, and would get her friends involved in his quest to make her life miserable. Her story reflects and embodies so many I have heard over the years from others who have dabbled in such spells. When they work, it's just never quite what you had in mind.

So if you came to this blog post in search of a love spell for your personal situation or came across it when you have maybe considered one in the past or know someone who has, please take a deep breath, consider your options, and don't do anything that you may regret down the line. Remember that you are deserving of all the love, respect, support, and happiness one could give another. Do not settle on someone who offers you less and expects more, no matter how much you have invested in them, no matter how many years you have spent with them, as they do not appreciate you for the amazing person you are. I can promise you, however, given some time to heal, you WILL find someone who does.

-Samantha

(Owner /Chaos Witch/Designer)

Blursedbaubles.etsy.com

[aotopmha]

Attack On Titan Chapter 111 and 112 Thoughts

Chapter 112 had different framing compared to what it seemed to have when I first saw the spoilers.

But first I'm going to look at chapter 111 for a little bit.

The tl; dr version of chapter 111's ideas is that regardless of what the past was, the ultimate way to escape the cycle of revenge is essentially to act like adults about it.

Basically, the way out of this is to fight injustice, but with control and the goal of stopping any further violence, something demonstrated by the whole scene with Gabi, Mr. Braus and Nikolo.

I love Mikasa and Mr. Braus so much in 111 because of this idea.

The chapter has a great use of the flashback Mikasa had a few chapters ago about Eren's reckless actions as a child. Mikasa is acting the opposite of it in 111 and stopping the problem with as little bloodshed and as few reckless actions as possible. Her actions are completely controlled and mature, which is great growth when thinking about how she acted as a soldier back in Trost and just to add a little bit of 112 in here, it's actually specifically a great way of showing her character-specific growth. I'm so happy Mikasa is getting some love.

On Mr. Braus' part, what would killing Gabi do except just add another corpse to the list? This situation isn't about her position as a warrior candidate, it's about whether to get revenge or not and Mr. Braus chooses not to. Sasha was a soldier and so is Gabi, both were hunting each other in a forest and Sasha was the one who was killed. So he decides to not kill back because in the more human sense, it wouldn't solve anything, even if it later on could lead to a similar outcome for him as for Sasha. He chooses to be kind instead.

Here, I once again think about the clumsy Jewish analogue the story uses. Much of the weight of this goes away if you think about how the Eldians supposedly had an empire and were the oppressors once. This analogue just doesn't work because the Jewish people have been victims for most of history.

I don't think this is something intentionally mean-spirited, rather just a clumsy, not very thoughtful analogue that is at odds with the "cycle of revenge" themes of the story, but perhaps it's not and this "clumsiness" is intentional?

Looking at chapter 112, we just don’t know the truth. All sources we have are vague. Kruger says the blood tests determine everything, but in chapter 112 we learn the Marleyan researchers actually barely know anything themselves. Kruger said that they don't know everything, as well, but questioning what is true and talking about ignorance is this chapter’s focus point. The story goes out of it’s way to add that most of this information might not be definite and to later confirm it’s all true would be unsatisfying and anti-climactic. 

(Hey, Eren, if the Marleyans barely know anything, maybe, just maybe, the info you have isn’t very reliable, either. Especially since the Ackermans literally rebelled against the king.)

Now, what if the history we know from Marley is even more exgaggerated than we think it is? Because that is definitely in line with the Jewish analogue. It's essentially propaganda across hundreds, even thousands of years that made the Jewish people a target of hatred.

Perhaps the Eldians were just a regular people just like any other, rather than some massive empire or perhaps it's the power of the Titans that lead to them being corrupted because it gave them power? That would appropriately make them very human victims and any misinterpretation of history within the story appropriately human because history is often interpreted in a way to fit the agenda of a specific side. Grisha's perspective and Marley's propaganda both interpret the same history with no nuance whatsoever and in a way to support their goals.

So, chapter 112 once again addresses the series' ideas about ignorance and knowledge, to the point where it's even literally called "Ignorance" and the panel with Eren above makes me extremely happy because it's also addressing the Ackerbond reveal and the potential problems I have with it, hopefully. It really bothered me when I first read the spoilers for the chapter, but what Eren says probably isn't true or is at least put in a way convinient to (as I believe) Zeke because the Titan researchers of Marley have very limited knowledge themselves. The effect of the memories on the person probably isn't as extreme as Eren assumes it is (but still exists and since Eren has so many different memories it could be actually influencing him much more than Armin) and what he said to Mikasa is probably at least partially untrue (and hopefully the untrue part is the part about robbing the person of their will, I went into why I very massively dislike that idea here and the story itself disapproves that idea multiple times, but it actually being true would be a mess).

My take here is that Zeke has Eren right in his palm and Eren's the one being manipulated.

I also wrote a post about Eren before the chapter release thinking he was pushing his friends away to protect them/make sure they don't miss him because he's planning to sacrifice himself, and I think this is still a likely possibility (at least still might be a part of why he's being an asshole), but here I'm leaning more towards him doing it because Zeke convinced him his connections to others take his freedom away (or something like that), which is something I think these panels convey:

He's so frustrated with the situation they're forced into that he is basically turning into someone similar to his enemy: someone who uses the freedom gained by being powerful to hurt others, rather than help them and I feel like it's at least partially Zeke's manipulation and partially because of the details about the Titans he learned from his memories, which essentially say that they're not free.

It addresses a potential hole to fall into in the fight for freedom and again, brings in the idea of becoming what you fight/hate.

Younger Eren really hated people who took away others' freedom. It's why he could kill the slave traders so easily - they were monsters, not human to him.

It's still not a 100% definite perspective, but regardless, I'm happy to finally have something elaborating on Eren's current perspective.

I enjoyed the thematic substance of these chapters a lot. Chapter 111 continues Gabi's development in a very gradual way (something I felt would happen, but could end up rushed when she and her potential arc was first introduced, she always seemed the type of character to be introduced to be developed, the question was how gradually), I also thought the rift between Eren, Armin and Mikasa could potentially feel unnatural, but, for now, it doesn't. I'm pretty sure Eren is being manipulated and he needs to be smacked in the face before he does something stupid with horrible consequences. I also suspect he won't be smacked before he does something horrible because that's a narrative path that seems logical to go for, but stopping him before he does it is more likely now than it was in the previous chapter because he at least confronted Mikasa and Armin and that might matter.

Now I'm also pretty sure it'll be revealed that all humans can turn into Titans and the real truth could definitely be pretty different from what we know.

This was some good stuff, and once again, I'm looking forward to how it all ends.