#which is why they constantly touch on how deeply flawed they are

[gch1995]

Not to mention the fact that George Lucas change their stance all the time. However, yeah, even my boyfriend doesn’t like Anakin or Luke Skywalker because he thinks they are annoying, but loves Obi-Wan Kenobi. For the most part he does also think the prequels suck because the writers made the Jedi Order so awful, and he thinks Hayden Christensen couldn’t act. I don’t think Christensen was amazing in the prequels, but I think a lot of it came down to bad dialogue and poor script writing, rather than a lack of ability on his part.

To be fair to the Jedi apologists, I don’t really think most of them would actually ever be okay with child abuse, child neglect, committing and/or enabling war crimes and systematic abuse, trafficking children for warfare in an army cult, or telling major lies to get their way “for the greater good” on a regular basis, if at all, in real life. I think it’s just easier for them to let themselves get lost in the badly written fantasy that Star Wars became because both Lucas and many of the writers behind it can’t be objective.

For those of us who have spent a lot of time analyzing fictional, literature, and stories for coherency, growth, meaning, relatability, and symbolism, rather than just surface level entertainment, such as authors, bookworms, English lit majors, and media critics, it’s harder for us to get invested in the story when the characters don’t grow, they don’t get treated fairly, double standards exist, the narrative is inconsistent, and the “heroes” only seem to be able to have that role at all because their enemies are worse.

Plus, while Obi-Wan and Yoda absolutely were deceitful and shady with Luke in the OT films, if you were to ignore the existence of the prequels, I could understand being willing to hand-wave it as a one time “shitty, but justified” decision. If I had never seen the prequels, personally, it still would have always bugged me that Obi-Wan and Yoda never seemed too apologetic about it, but I’d be willing to still let it go. After the prequels, though? No way. The Jedi were the lesser of two evils, not good guys.

Are their crazy Jedi fans on Tumblr and the internet? Sure, but the majority of the ones I’ve met in real life seem to understand that they would suck as people from a real life perspective. They just would rather not think too deeply about how fucked up they are within the confines of a fictional universe written by authors who intend for the audience to view them as “heroes” because they are the lesser of two evils within it.

i think the Jedi-Positive and Jedi-Critical stances can be summed up on whether you value authorial intent or authorial execution.

Most of the Jedi-Positive people I follow quote George Lucas and director commentaries to prove their points, as well as utilize analyses from others at LucasFilm that have to keep the general status quo. It's all based on what Lucas was trying to portray, while ignoring the product in execution.

The Jedi-Critical stance tends to look at the prequel execution, and they question the obvious uncomfortable moments that have real-life parallels to atrocities. They tend to be more Legends fans, whose writers actually delved into the terrifying implications. It's all on criticizing execution while disregarding intent.

Like, take the argument about Jedi children. A Jedi-Positive person would argue that all the children are all given up with consent from their parents; this is what I am sure Lucas was intending to portray. A Jedi-Critical person will look at this and go "wait. how much 'consent' was in this encounter? the government can legally take these kids and have a representative show up to a farmer's house and tell the farmer they can technically say no? that is some bullshit." And there is real-life evidence for this. It's more on the execution.

Or the argument about love. Jedi-Positive people turn to Lucas's interview to show that they really meant it in the Buddhist sense, and if you value intent that works. Jedi-Critical people would argue that the marketing states that the Jedi cannot love, and nothing in the movies states that the Jedi meant non-toxic love when they eschew attachments.

They're both valid positions, but I think a lot of fandom brutality comes from not understanding either view, or demeaning one view in favor of another. It's perfectly acceptable to value one over the other.

[etheriadearie]

🍋 Citrus explained 🍊

Hello, longtime She-ra meta writer here. Which is why you're probably wondering, why the sudden interest in Citrus? Well-!!!

Citrus, like She-ra, is one of the few animated shows to directly take being a childhood abuse survivor. And like She-ra, it's carefully drawn to show the emotions the characters experience. And last, like She-ra, it's constantly misinterpreted and often accused of romanticizing abuse, which it doesn't! But all of this means it's a great series that could use a deeper look. Stick with me for this tell-all as we go through the evidence and I promise to dispel many of the toxic myths about this relatively brilliant anime!

So, what's Citrus?

Citrus is a widely available wlw saphhic love story between a very abused woman (Mei) and a highly empathetic woman (Yuzu) who is in love with Mei and wishes to help her.

Mei is a very hurtful person, including towards Yuzu, she constantly acts out her trauma, and ruins any chance of romance. Our protagonists story, Yuzu, is about emotional intelligence and empathy. We get to follow along in Yuzu's head as she goes through a series of adorable gay panics as she tries to figure Mei out.

Yuzu does this out of her own free will, generously, because she wants to, and the intelligence we’re shown as she does this is what makes this story so important to people who have been hurt like Mei has. For people like us, it gives hope that people really are out there who can understand us, and will choose to love us past the trauma that controls us.

And how would someone do that? They'd do it like Yuzu does with Mei- in Citrus!

::TW: abuse, sexual abuse, childhood neglect, etc etc

For Mei, seeing that Yuzu does this makes it an important story about belief and healing. Mei doesn't believe such love can be real, having been a neglected child and subjected to sexual abuse while having heavy responsibility forced on her as only a child. The story is really about how Yuzu uses her own personal strength and love to help someone like Mei who was forced into a position where she became emotionally damaged- we get to see what it looks like for someone who has a lot of love to give help us. It's also a really cute show full of tons of fun and cute moments!!

The story has many exciting twists and turns, from Mei's initial violence towards Yuzu in response to Yuzu making light of how her abuser was hurting her, to her continued lashing out to resist Yuzu’s attempts at loving her, to Yuzu's inward battle against her preconceptions of what romance is and deciding to be with Mei because she's in love with her, as flawed as Mei may be. Jealous rivals interject and much drama occurs, before a very heartwarming conclusion that is hard fought.

So, here's a few major questions we will be answering:

Why does Yuzu fall so deeply in love with Mei early on, when Mei behaves abusively towards her?

What is the significance of Mei's torn teddy bear, which Yuzu heals for her and which prominently appears during the climax of the series as Mei accepts Yuzu's love?

What is “sisterly love”, and why does Yuzu constantly fall back on it to try to explain her emotions of love towards Mei, only seeing past it to the true romantic love she means to say towards the end?

If you like this series, I hope to connect with you here ❤️

Please keep reading, we will mostly touch on the high points, such as when they fight or kiss, explaining the rest of the story in relation to these snares and successes in their relationship.

This means we will be talking about some very emotionally charged subjects: please be aware that we will be talking about sexual abuse, PTSD and abusiveness, about child neglect and its effects, and about lashing out as a misguided form of self protection due to being hurt. We will also be talking about the sexy feelings which both Mei and Yuzu have, so I hope that it will be a fun aside to discussions about abuse.

This is one of the best things about Citrus: we are given a wlw couple that are canon from the opening credits, the series is all about their romantic love and struggles with a brilliantly beautiful conclusion. When so many wlw anime shy away from allowing the characters to kiss, Citrus dives right in to give us a exciting and complicated story that's delivered well.

It's not all fun and games, just as life tends to be, Yuzu and Mei struggle against specters of violence that haunt our real life societies. Citrus is not bashful about confronting real issues, and yet their relationship is quite fun and rewarding aside from or maybe because of the realness we’re shown.

A couple notes: I am reviewing the English dub of Citrus, it is very well done, but from what I can tell only varies slightly from the Japanese sub. I haven't had the luxury of reading the whole manga yet but have a basic understanding of its differences, however I will treat the anime as stand alone, with their future being wives.

Lastly, like She-ra, we’ll be using the emotions we see on Mei and Yuzu’s faces alongside their dialogue to know what they're thinking throughout the series. I can't show every frame my analysis is based on, but please do refer to the pictures I can provide, and watch the scenes yourselves! If there's something I didn't answer, let me know and I will address it!!

Fight #1: the incredibly abusive kiss Mei forced on Yuzu that we all need to talk about.

That this scene is the first “intimate” interaction between the two of them threw me for a loop. I had to stop and check that A.) the series is written by a woman (it is) and B.) Mei isn't a sadist (she not, phew) before continuing. The scene is scary, Yuzu’s distress is graphically shown. So what really happens? Why does Mei attack her? And how come Yuzu responds by looking to help Mei, rather than shutting down due to the trauma of what was done to her? Let's discuss, and we’ll cover the rest of ep1 as we do.

:: Yuzu is already feeling pretty salty when they enter the bedroom. What Mei did to her at school, basically groping her under the guise of confiscating her phone, was wrong. Seriously, if anything like this happens to you, even if you think the other person did it because they're hurt, even if you think it was hot and is awakening new gay feelings™️ in you, make sure you atleast have a support network that's aware of what's going on. And yes, it does raise curious feelings in Yuzu, that she might like a woman touching her, but it was still wrong.

Back to the bedroom, Yuzu starts by making an attempt to be civil even though she's suspicious. That Mei gives her the cold shoulder, hiding the all important bear from her, refusing to speak to her, makes Yuzu jump to the conclusion that Mei is a ‘mean girl’. That she gets off on it.

Not actually the case. Again, Yuzu jumped to that conclusion without thinking, which is beneath her as an empathy genius. So, she gets snide, she needles Mei about what she saw her doing with their teacher. It's very “popular girl mean talk” which is what's so throwing about Yuzu at first: she gives off some of those vibes. Concerned with looks, consumer fashion and makeup, she wants to be rich. But those are not the core of Yuzu, it's just what she expects Highschool life to be. What she really is is a highly intelligent and empathetic person. Her behavior here is wrong.

The snide way Yuzu is talking to Mei about the abuse Mei just suffered is what's so upsetting to Mei, and then when she suggests that “I totally get it. You make out with him in the open because knowing you might get caught makes it even hotter. Now if you ask me, I bet that kiss was your first. So what was it like, anyway? I always pictured it to be really magical- ” (etc.) when in fact Mei was having a traumatic experience, is what causes her to attack Yuzu.

That's where Mei’s violence comes from as she attacks Yuzu. Yuzu hasn't figured out yet that the expression she was seeing on Mei’s face as her abuser kissed her was that of intense physical and emotional pain, she was trying to dissociate while trapped in agony. And Yuzu is making light of that pain, something she has no experience with. And as she does, she's making Mei relive the pain she's so desperate to disassociate from all over again, which makes her desperate to get Yuzu to stop talking because it's hurting her.

So, she does what her abuser has done to her time and time again, which shut down her ability to fight back against him by overwhelming her, to stop Yuzu and so she will know what it's like to be powerless and in pain. She does to Yuzu what has been done to her. Afterwards as she stands up, she angrily tells Yuzu “It felt like THAT. Magical enough for you?”

As she does, we’re shown her face in black shadow. But this is for suspense- Yuzu was able to see the sadness and pain on Mei's face that she has been carrying day and day again as the man who she was betrothed to for financial gain has had free license to abuse her.

What could Yuzu possibly know about her pain, she's saying. And as traumatic as what she does to Yuzu, we see that Yuzu doesn't totally shut down. Not like Mei had to do to dissociate and survive the abuse, no Yuzu's senses are wide open. She's looking for the reason Mei attacked her, sensing her anguish, and she will go on to find its source so she can help her.

This is not the reaction of someone who is in dissociation due to trauma, Yuzu took the hit and kept processing. If anything, what Mei does to her sharpens Yuzu’s senses, not the opposite- even while Yuzu is struggling against shutting down from the violation of it. Being attacked was horrifying, and what Mei was very upsetting. Yet it's the first time Yuzu has encountered trauma in another person, she's trying to understand it, and her empathy towards Mei is what's in control.

That about sums it up, Yuzu has begun her struggle with her new realization that she's gay and attracted to Mei, but that's not as important as how she goes on to call out Mei’s abuser and get him fired, the engagement rescinded as well. And it really really helps Mei, she's never seen anyone come to her aid.

Which sets up our second fight- at Grandpa’s house.

After Yuzu’s calling out Mei’s abuser in front of the school to get him fired, Mei is forced to return to her grandfather's house, which she obeys out of duty. And Yuzu has a notion of this, which Mei teases her about “Are you going to save me from my mean old grandfather?” Mei seldom smiles but she does here, Yuzu’s care for her tickles her heartstrings. But it must be fake, others helping her and love is a lie in Mei’s experience. But Yuzu comes to see her at the mansion anyway.

In the bedroom at her grandfather's house, Yuzu tries to cut past the bullshit, imploring Mei to leave while listing out how she sees that Mei works hard for the school yet gets hurt for it. She doesn't understand how powerless Mei has really been, that duty and honor controlled her and made her go along with the engagement her grandfather so coldly made for her. That she put up with the abuse out of duty. So Mei flies at Yuzu in a rage, who speaks like she knows how difficult it is when she does not.

Mei is in full trauma flashback as she does, all of the powerlessness she had of knowing her abuser could attack her whenever he wanted and that she had to put up with it for the family wells up all at once. She's no longer really seeing what's in front of her, she's just repeating what was done to her to Yuzu, who's doing her best to fight back. But as she attacks Yuzu and Yuzu thinks she's about to be traumatized, all of Mei’s hurt and anguish pours down on Yuzu as tears of sadness. Yuzu’s eyes flare with understanding as she feels their warmth on her skin. She manages to hold Mei’s arms at bay and pull her close “I'm here, I'm right here!”.

Yuzu's response to Mei’s attacking her out of pain is to hug her close, something we’ll see time and time again. This is an empathetically intelligent choice Yuzu makes because she really is that exceptional of a person, she’ll help Mei even if it's hard. Just like that, this stops Mei- she's no longer in a traumatic flashback. Yuzu hugging her is such a new experience that Mei is lost on how to respond, she's not used to receiving empathy.

This healing would have gone further but their grandfather interrupts them and blames it all on Yuzu who's partially underdressed from Mei attacking her. Which sucks for them both, but Yuzu’s hugging Mei starts Mei thinking that Yuzu might actually get her, even though Yuzu has no idea what it is to be abused like she has, Yuzu at some subconscious level can tell what Mei is feeling, and hugged her in response…

Sisterly Love, and what that's really about

This begins a long period of reflection for Yuzu and her relationship to Mei. She went to the manor to help Mei, but was forced from the room by an enraged grandfather as Mei sat despondent on the bed. Why does she end up hurting Mei instead of helping her? It's not that she did, Mei needed exactly what Yuzu offered, the hug she gave her. And Yuzu realizes she's in love for the first time.

But that's where sisterly love comes in, because we immediately hear Yuzu fall back on this concept to try to explain her love. This is because it's an odd sort of love, so far. Yuzu feels an intense desire to comfort and protect Mei. She feels this way because of her romantic feelings, but so far that's still not clear to her. She thinks it might be a sisterly thing.

This kind of care, protectiveness is often depicted in anime, of the older sister’s love for their younger siblings. This is a natural kind of love, a familial love- so it confuses Yuzu because this kind of love is not intrinsically a kind of romantic love. But it can be, as romantic love IS a kind of familial love because lovers become found family. She knows Mei has been in a desperate place and that she needs her support, like an older sister (which she now technically is) would provide.

Yuzu also considers that maybe because of Mei's desperate situation, that's what she should be focusing on, how her empathy can support Mei getting past being hurt. She's not wrong to think this, but Yuzu doesn't understand that her protective feelings come from her romantic interest yet, so it fries her circuits. She wants to be good to Mei but can't separate her protective instinct from romantic desire, she will struggle with this right up until the end and during her love confession.

What Yuzu can't see yet is that her protectiveness towards Mei isn't sisterly love, it's wifely love.

Yuzu and Mei get their chance to get closer when their grandfather becomes ill. Yuzu finding him as such when she was about to confront him about her expulsion brings them together as a family, and he will have to accept her as a granddaughter. And it helps Mei to accept Yuzu's generous nature as genuine. She decides to go back to living with Yuzu's mother and her, irregardless of Yuzu’s telling her to choose her own happiness. Yuzu's happy hug at the hospital catches Mei by surprise but she doesn't fight it.

I also like that Mei's grandfather tells Mei to live her own life, make her own choices knowing full well that Mei may have gay feelings for Yuzu. He was initially homophobic seeming, but at least in the anime, he’s able to recognize what Mei wants and separate that from the flawed expectations he put on her that have hurt her so much. In this timeline, it makes me think Mei is going to be ok, although I think this story may differ slightly from the manga.

So she gets his blessing to live in Yuzu's home. Mei is making a choice to accept her and Yuzu's mother as family, when she gets home she's further taken aback by Yuzu's mother's genuine hug and happiness to have her back. She wants to accept that maybe this isn't fake after all. She even lets Yuzu fix her bear- at first, she is of course affronted, telling Yuzu not to touch her stuff. But, her bear was something she couldn't fix on her own. She's thankful to Yuzu even if she can't say it out loud.

Mei, the paragon of adult responsibility in a teenager, lacked the ability and executive function to sow her bear back together properly, and Yuzu is welcoming her home by doing a superb job of it. Mei hid the bear from Yuzu- it is the one good memory she still has of her father before he left her.

What this bear represents is her innermost self, and her vulnerability that she hides from others. The one considerate gift her father ever gave her had become broken and frayed over time, like she has from abuse, and she couldn't find within herself to fix it as the burdens of her life crushed down on her. Mei hasn't been well since, and that's why the bear got more broken over time. It is a reflection of her inner state. And for Yuzu to come along and fix it, like Yuzu did getting her abuser fired, as well as giving her a new family where her feelings are considered and she gets support, is symbolic. Mei is incredulous that it can be real yet she goes with it.

We will see Mei's bear many times at important junctures, such as Yuzu's love confession, as the representation of her innermost wants. When it came to fixing the bear, it had to be Yuzu because she's the person who ruses to stop loving Mei. But that doesn't mean that Mei won't mess things up constantly, believing such love cannot be real for someone like her.

…So they end up fighting again.

To which Mei will openly admit how terrible she is for pushing Yuzu away, which is important to consider when judging her actions.

After their mother gets them a bed to sleep in, Yuzu is understandably unable to separate her romantic and sexual attraction from her intentions to be good to Mei. They're sleeping in the same bed, for fuck’s sake, their transition to being wives is even more real! But Mei stiff arms Yuzu’s wanting to make out with her, instead choosing to sleep on the floor. Yuzu doesn't get it, instead asking Mei why she would kiss her if she didn't like her.

Mei tells Yuzu she was talking rudely and that she did it to shut her up- Mei actually tells Yuzu outright that she uses sexual assault as a weapon to stop people from hurting her. And yeah, Yuzu was hurting her by bringing up the abusive moment she witnessed, which Mei needs to dissociate from, in a hurtful way by suggesting that Mei was enjoying it when she was actually in incredible pain.

And that's really cruel of Mei. She fights like her abuser taught her to, by violating someone's safety and feelings so much that they shut down, and so Yuzu had to go through that. Yet, as bad as what Mei did was, Yuzu didn't shut down, she tried to understand. Mei then tells Yuzu that she's not romantically interested in her and only did it to stop her, and so Yuzu tells her “I see. That you're terrible.”

Mei solemnly agrees “It would seem so.” She can't help lashing out in defense and she openly acknowledges her own horribleness, all of its true. She's no good as the target of another’s affections.

But it's a lie that she's not interested in Yuzu. She's never been so attracted to anyone in her life. But she's scared to let her get too close, so she acts mean instead. Mei knows she's terrible, and for one part she's trying to scare Yuzu away. She's telling Yuzu: why get involved with someone who's so hurt?

The next sequence is dominated by Yuzu’s pushing Mei down and kissing her, as well as other affronts to Mei’s personal space such as with Momo. It all leaves Mei ragged at the edges, and she gets sick because of it.

You might be thinking, it's only fair since Mei did it to Yuzu first, but remember that Yuzu isn't the one who was attacked repeatedly by an abuser with total power to do so. So, it really is wrong of Yuzu to do it. This also leads to a jealous spiral with Momo, who further assaults Mei, trying to seduce her into being her girlfriend. In both cases Mei’s dismay goes unconsidered, and as an abuse survivor it is a blow to Mei's confidence in others.

Now, it's not like Yuzu pushing Mei down is unexpected, she's an inexperienced teenager after all. She really doesn't know anything about love (her words). She went to Mei's office thinking they were going to patch things up, but instead Mei tries to talk down to her for reading naughty manga. Yuzu’s “This is all your fault Mei, for kissing me” is fair, Yuzu hates Mei’s double standards. She put the moves on her in the shower, after all. What's Yuzu supposed to think, that Mei isn't interested? She clearly is. But it still sucks that Yuzu gets so caught up in her own feelings that she takes Mei's autonomy away by forcing her down and kissing her. It's true, it's not all bad, after Yuzu flees, Mei's fingers linger on her lips where Yuzu kissed her, feeling how different that it is when someone she’s actually attracted to kisses her assertively.

Not knowing what to do with herself afterwards, Yuzu retreats to Harumin’s house so she won't have to face Mei at home. Yuzu recognizes that she hurt Mei again, and wants to apologize but can't find the words to do it. Yuzu meets with Himeko who wants to know what went down in the office between them which grants her a bit more insight about Mei: her father left her and the family years ago, and Mei changed for the worse after, taking on the family burden and seeming to suffer while distancing Himeko’s friendship.

Himeko tries to beat up on Yuzu for hurting Mei's feelings but as usual Yuzu sees past the bullshit and walks out instead. She then happens upon Mei on the street, who asks why she hasn't been coming home at night. Yuzu tries to indicate that she can't be there because of Mei, she knows she was bad.

Yet Mei seemingly forgives her- we were shown scenes of Mei looking lonely in the bedroom without Yuzu there- and then for the first time Mei uses Yuzu’s name “Why not? It's where you live, right, Yuzu?” Yuzu has a happy reaction to this- almost “Hey, Adora” esque- and it convinces Yuzu that it's ok to come home. Yuzu obligues. Himeko, witnessing this conversation, finds out they're stepsisters, and living together, thus jumpstarting her jealous attempt at seducing Mei.

That tantalizing and almost healthy kiss

Before we get to that, we need to talk about the best kiss they have up to that point. Yuzu is finally home and crashes on the bed, only to find out Mei snuck under the covers next to her. So now Yuzu is freaking out because technically they're in bed together, apparently Mei isn't planning on sleeping separately.

Seeing Yuzu’s distress, Mei knows she must answer Yuzu's confusion. Yuzu openly shows shame as she faces her, she's about to apologize for forcing the kiss on her when to her surprise Mei brings it up instead. Mei’s words about what happened- don't apologize “Because I think may have pressured you into it as well” shows she doesn't blame Yuzu for getting upset and forgives her. Yet Yuzu apologizes anyways “I shouldn't have done anything without considering how you felt” is exactly right.

When Mei suggests they do something to have closure, Yuzu blushes all but saying she wants to kiss- after all Mei is in front of her and has indicated that she's forgiven. Still, it's surprising when Mei leans in to give her a simple, no nonsense kiss. Poor Yuzu is right to be confused- if that wasn't a make up kiss between two girlfriends she's blind! As soon as it's over, she's expected to go back to hands off- is she her girlfriend or is she not? Is Mei stringing her along? Yeah, but not for the obvious reasons- Mei is too insecure for a real relationship yet. But she IS betting on Yuzu.

We then have Momo’s assault, and as Mei’s oldest friend she's disappointed that Momo would try that on her. Himeko’s “I won't lose her to you” right before in regards to Yuzu is self involved and ignores Mei’s feelings entirely. Himeko goes on to learn to set aside her selfish desires since they keep Mei from being happy.

Now believing she's in competition with Himeko, Yuzu sees her taking Mei to her fathers grave as a chance to get ahead, and as a date. Of course it isn't a date unless both people agree that it is beforehand! Separated on the train, Yuzu fights over to Mei on the train and they end up smashed together tits to tits, and when Mei seems to react sexually to the closeness Yuzu takes liberties yet again, which is another violation of Mei's space. Even though Mei is most guilty of ignoring consent, as an abuse survivor it's important that people ask her for it, which Yuzu didn't do.

Yet later on, Mei yet again flirts with Yuzu at the crepe shop by eating the whip cream off her lips, Mei is one cool character as she does this deliberate tease. As much as she says otherwise, it's obvious she likes Yuzu, she wants Yuzu’s attention and so she does enough to keep her interested.

Yuzu and Mei get closer as family at her fathers grave when Mei realizes Yuzu is like her in how she has struggled with loneliness. She confesses to Yuzu that she's never read her father's letters because she doesn't know if she can ever feel like a daughter again after what he did. But as she does she realizes that she's fortunate that her father is alive, unlike Yuzu. Yuzu promises to help Mei find a way to help her reconnect with her dad. It's a huge relief, stressed out and tired Mei’s walls come down emotionally for Yuzu… and that's when the cold she's been fighting off catches up with her.

The day before, Mei skipped two meals in a row, she skipped dinner after Momo’s assaulting her, and lunch the next day when both Momo and Yuzu try to eat lunch with her, arguing in front of her. She banished both of them, both of them were not considering her feelings in how they've acted and it’s stressing her out, making her sick to her stomach, so again she didn't want to eat. Still, when Yuzu requested her presence for visiting her father, Mei went along.

All of this leads to her later collapse at school. It may have allied her to have an emotional breakthrough with Yuzu after she went to the grave, but she missed multiple meals out of stress, making her catch a cold which she tries to ignore because she believes she cannot to miss the board meeting later in the day. This is the thing with Mei: most of her emotional breakthroughs come when she's exhausted, that's when her walls come down and she acts sincerely.

But it also is what leads to her getting sick and collapsing, that's the other consequence of Momo and Yuzu having run her ragged. Collapsed on the ground because of her cold, she snaps at Momo, telling her she has no idea what real responsibility is- how much she's been carrying. Yuzu scolds her for this- maybe Momo doesn't understand her job and the demands put on her by the adults she has to please at the board meeting, but lashing out solves nothing. Yuzu will make her apologize for this- also, we don't hear anything bad come of it so Momo probably did fine filling in. Mei consistently believes she's more isolated than she actually is.

Fight 3: make no mistake, Mei’s father is still a bad parent.

An important thing to remember about Citrus is that it's not all as one sided as Mei hurting Yuzu, the opposite happens too, in fact Yuzu will bring up the night Mei's father returned as one of her biggest failures. When Mei’s father says he won't return to the academy, and Mei realizes that the burdens she accepted 5 years ago as a mere child really are hers to bear alone, we get the scene of Mei’s attempted seduction and Yuzu slapping her for it. It's a mistake about expectations each of them has and how they don't quite understand each other yet, like Sarah tells Yuzu to do later on.

As Yuzu reaches out for Mei while she's crying facing away from her, she wants to comfort her but doesn't really understand Mei's display of desperate emotion, so she hesitates. She can't fathom the depth of Mei’s pain and all she has bore that lead to it, she doesn't know firsthand what it was like for Mei to be abused by her fiancé in order to ensure the academy's future. Her “When are you going to stop trying to do everything alone” and shocked look when Mei turns to her, her eyes full of tears and betrayal, telling Yuzu she had no choice but to do it, shows how little she knows of Mei’s burden.

Still shocked by the look in Mei's eyes, Yuzu stammers as Mei reaches for her, and then Mei is suddenly kissing her, Yuzu's eyes remain wide as she is still trying to process what that look in Mei's eyes meant. Mei’s words were a glimpse into a world Yuzu has never seen and while she can get there on understanding it, there's no way she can deal with Mei’s sudden emotions, her expectations as she kisses her, the sadness Mei wants her to fill. Mei’s “you’ll be the one who needs me, won't you" is a desperate admission of her loneliness. Mei proceeds to attempt to seduce Yuzu, if Yuzu wants closeness then sex is closeness, right? If Mei can prove herself as a lover then Yuzu will want her, she will have purpose.

As she says “I’m lost, I need someone to accept these feelings”, Yuzu responds “... Oh, Mei” and we are shown a very deliberate shot of Yuzu hugging Mei to her. Mei is tragic and blowing past all restraints due to sadness and is trying to seduce Yuzu, and Yuzu accurately identifies loneliness as the real reason Mei is suddenly kissing her. So, Yuzu hugs her, wanting to give Mei a place to cry out her lonely emotions. So she can heal.

Once again, as Mei becomes tragic we see how intelligently Yuzu responds to it. What Yuzu offers her is real healing, but that's not really what Mei is expecting in this moment. Mei is dissociating from her true feelings, she's desperately seeking to secure some reason to think they're together and she sees sex as a way to secure closeness. Her emotions are way too raw to process gently in Yuzu’s arms, so to say.

Sex seems more tangible to her, once she knows she has Yuzu for sure maybe she can heal bit by bit in her arms, but she can't just cry it out, so to say. Her panic is telling her to get as close to Yuzu as quickly as she can, so she tries to prove herself. She's all bluster as she tells Yuzu that she's good at taking orders- Matsuri calling her a slut has no basis in reality. Mei is good at faking confidence though, and it is true that she will be careful to find how to please Yuzu best, in thanks for being with her. But Yuzu isn't having it.

Yuzu offered her this emotionally healing moment by hugging her, that's what real closeness is. And instead Mei is rushing forward with sex, and that's not real closeness. Yuzu may be a very sexual person but she wants romance, she has expectations of both. What she can't see yet is how desperate Mei is to secure their relationship by closing that distance physically. Both of them have very different expectations of what this moment should be- Mei’s is sex, Yuzu's is to hold Mei as she cries, to get closer, to have Mei tell her more of how she's been burdened so she can support her better.

And so, they fight. And this time, it's really Yuzu who starts a fight. She slaps Mei, telling her “Why can't you think of MY feelings for once?” Of how sex without real closeness isn't what she wants, of how Yuzu wants Mei to be romantic with her before they do that. Mei seducing her lacked all romance, Mei is terrible at being romantically present or seeing Yuzu's feelings. But Yuzu isn't the one who has been abused and crushed by the world, that's Mei. She doesn't understand the place of desperateness Mei was coming from by asking her to be the one who needs her. She can't fathom it yet, she wasn't given a chance to process what Mei just dumped on her.

Yuzu goes on to do everything she can to help Mei get close to her father again, but later during her love confession Yuzu specifically brings up how she hit Mei this day. Proving her devotion to Mei by helping her save her relationship with her father wasn't enough. She fought with Mei that day, she came to blows. And despite her actions helping Mei with her father, it's not closure for how she acted that day.

Yuzu comes to realize that if she really loves Mei she needs to have a better way to solve conflict than fighting, because Mei has had to fight with too many people. It's not wrong of Yuzu to reject Mei’s offer of sex, but it is wrong to hurt Mei when she doesn't even really understand Yuzu’s feelings because Yuzu didn't know how to tell her why what she did was wrong. Slapping Mei was a selfish act on Yuzu's part and being an emotionally intelligent person means doing better than that, Yuzu is still just learning and slapping Mei is a juvenile response not befitting her level of emotional intelligence.

After Yuzu manages to heal the divide between Mei and her father, we get their first real kiss, the only good kiss until Yuzu’s love confession. We get to see just how good it could be before it all goes wrong again.

Mei tells Yuzu how much better she feels now that she and her father can understand each other. She speaks with happiness, something we rarely see Mei do… Yuzu finds herself crying, knowing that Mei isn't hurting anymore, it's a sympathetic reaction. Yuzu hates for others to be hurting and it's not just her romantic interest in Mei that motivates her here, she really is good natured. She feels relieved like Mei must feel relieved, and so she cries in happiness.

Mei sees this, she doesn't quite understand why Yuzu would cry… that these are tears of healing, if not for Yuzu but instead for the feelings she herself must be having. Mei isn't that terrible of a person, she's sympathetic to Yuzu’s hurting healing in this moment and she instinctively wants to comfort her. To give Yuzu a safe space so she can let her emotions out. In this moment, their roles are reversed. One hand comfortingly placed over Yuzu's, their faces are close as Yuzu realizes Mei is caressing her face, wanting to soothe her tears and comfort her.

Their kiss is spontaneous but natural, they are emotionally connecting with each other. Mei’s fingers interlace with Yuzu’s as they do and the kiss lasts. It feels good instead of unnerving on some level for one or both of them, but we see a very different reaction to this revelation when they pull apart.

Yuzu reacts with wonder, she's never really kissed before, not where she was free to enjoy it. This is a brand new experience for her and she celebrates it, so this is what it's supposed to feel like. She sees so many positive possibilities from this moment.

Mei, on the other hand, is also surprised at how different it felt, how good, but you can see in her expression that she's also reeling from a conflict of emotions. She's scared of how vulnerable it makes her feel, how she lost her control in the moment, to have that pleasure make her yearn for something deeper than just kissing or sex. It scares her and you can see this look of worry in her eyes.

As usual, Mei will push Yuzu away, not ready for all of those emotions.

The Matsuri arc

Hey if you've stuck with me so far, thanks. I know it's a lot. Luckily I think we can get through the next few episodes quicker! That way we can get to the real story: Christmas and the love confession! Yay. Really, this whole middle part of this story is about rivals appearing, first a rival for Yuzu’s affection in Matsuri, and then for Mei’s affection in Sarah. We’ll touch on Yuzu’s lonely existence, the Christmas disaster, and hopefully get to the real story quicker.

Matsuri is, actually, a pretty believable character. She's not just a plot device, her desires are well defined and she reveals a lot about Yuzu, and she's not all bad when it's said and done. She's like both Mei and Yuzu in having a lifelong struggle with loneliness, and like Mei in the total neglect her parents showed her. So, she's gone down some bad paths as a totally unsupervised teenager. I actually kinda like her as a character.

She is of course a rival to Mei for Yuzu's affection, and she appears just as Mei is pushing Yuzu away again. That kiss we saw between them was so promising it can be hard to understand why Mei isn't just Yuzu’s girlfriend from then on, but remember that worried look Mei had after they kissed. It's too much too fast for her so she backs Yuzu off. We get Yuzu’s adorable daydream where a half naked Mei tells her she's in love with her- yeah, Yuzu really wants to hear those words, she's a romantic. And then after she wakes up, moments later Mei tells her to get lost- Mei feels she needs to refocus on those things that were always most important to her like her grades and managing the academy, and she gives Yuzu a sad look when she tells her that she might get held back because of her bad grades.

Basically, Mei is a liar- she wants to be in school with Yuzu, and to help her as her girlfriend with her homework. Instead of telling Yuzu this she hits her with the “we're sisters. Consider that our last kiss.” She's not ready for a real relationship, she's still processing. Yuzu is thrown for a loop, and then a rival appears- Marsuri.

We get a lot of inflammatory stuff as Matsuri takes to things like a wrecking ball, including blackmailing Mei into a situation where she might be sexually assaulted again, but we’ll talk about that with Christmas.

What Matsuri really is in need of is some actual fucking human connection, hence Mei's later line to Yuzu when she becomes concerned “Go out with her, she wants to see you. That girl needs you, so you shouldn't let her down”.

Circling all the way back to the day Matsuri shows up in the story; Mei feels dejected after coming home late to find Yuzu still out partying, the house dark and empty. She was planning to compliment Yuzu on her improved grades. I think Mei even planned to flirt with her and crack the door again to maybe more than sisters, yet Yuzu isn't there. It gives her reason to doubt those feelings, and then out on the street she sees Matsuri forcing a kiss on Yuzu and gets jealous instead, leading to her hugging Yuzu from behind in a sexy way and saying “This is normal for sisters, right?” After all, Yuzu calls Matsuri “like a sister” and they were kissing.

We get two pivotal scenes I’d like to talk about before we get to Christmas. One is the flashback we're given about Yuzu befriending Matsuri as a kid, because it gives us a crucial understanding of Yuzu that may not have been obvious. Yuzu has a good mom but she's a single parent that works all of the time, so Yuzu mostly grew up alone. Kinda like Matsuri, making them natural friends. Kinda like Mei. Yuzu has been very lonely most of her life, despite being extroverted she hasn't developed a lot of meaningful relationships. That's a lot like Mei. As it turns out, they both have extreme loneliness in common. It's part of why Yuzu likes Mei as a person- they share this trait, they're both looking for a deeper connection, a real family so to speak. To her, it's obvious they should get together.

Which is our second discussion: as Yuzu shops for Christmas, her best friend Harumin tells her “With all those domestic skills, you'll make a great wife one day" and we see Yuzu take a long inward pause as she considers it. She really, really wants to make a home for Mei. She wants to be a wife, she wants to take care of her partner. Caring for others is what gives Yuzu life. Yuzu wants to have her own family and that family is Mei. She wants to live together with Mei as wives. Mei can be the head of the academy and she’ll be her wife and that all sounds hunky dorey to Yuzu. Yuzu is filled with wifely love at the idea of cultivating this home with Mei.

Briefly covering what goes down with Matsuri, we get to see Mei wield the weapon of sexual violence again when she forces the kiss on Matsuri. She really believes in it, but it doesn't quite work on Matsuri, does it?

This gives us a hint about Mei's experience: she's very sensitive and what her abuser did really hurt her. Given Matsuri and Yuzu's reactions, it's not quite the weapon she thinks it is. Mei is more sensitive than most when it comes to touching, something Matsuri also exploits against her.

Then we have Yuzu sorting out what really happened in no time flat. The second Matsuri reveals her manipulation of putting Mei in danger of sexual assault again, Yuzu comes back at Matsuri saying: "We have to apologize- to the one person who really is thinking about your feelings.” Mei knew Matsuri was desperate like she is and sent Yuzu away, leading to Mei nearly being prostituted. But Yuzu doesn't dwell on her anger towards Matsuri- she immediately heals the situation by making Matsuri apologize to Mei, it's what will make the situation better. And as she does this, Matsuri is pulled along in Yuzu's wake, now seeing how small and pathetic her actions were.

Once things are resolved with Matsuri and they're all headed home on the train we get Mei saying the nicest things about Yuzu. She says “I was always so desperate to be loved”... “but I kept my heart locked up tight and pushed everyone away when they tried to get close. Before I knew it, I was left feeling empty. But, there are certain pushy people in this world who will love you no matter how much you protest. And if we're lucky enough to meet one of them, then even we can end up happy.”

It's a great idea, and it's the true motivation thesis of Mei's actions. She's not evil, she's just scared, and as Yuzu fixes her life, she wants to change, so she can be happy and make Yuzu happy, too. Of course Yuzu is adorably out cold during the best compliment she's ever been given.

Nobody sums up Yuzu's altruistic nature better than Mei does. Even after everything that goes wrong, Yuzu can see Mei’s pain underneath her worst actions and she never gives up on her. Mei had expected her to give up- everyone in her life either abandoned er or only saw her from their own selfish desires, so Mei stopped really believing in love or generosity.

In this moment, exhausted from a day of nearly being forced into sex with a stranger, only to have Yuzu showers her with love, exhausted like she often is, Mei’s walls come down so she can speak truth without her own hurt clouding her. That doesn't mean it's going to be easy for her to let Yuzu in, even after all Yuzu has done. We see that later on Christmas night.

The Christmas Armageddon- why does Mei push Yuzu away again?

Matsuri isn't all bad, she says pivotal things first to Mei, and then to Yuzu about their relationship. As Mei eats the cake Yuzu made for her, Yuzu collapses into her arms, crying for her and telling her to never put herself in harms way like she did again, because “if you get hurt it's going to hurt me and our mom a hundred thousand times more”. She accepts Yuzu’s altruistic nature, that Yuzu’s fear for her wasn't just because she wants her romantically. Yuzu criticizes her for not being straightforward with her, and so Mei reflects on Matsuri’s parting wisdom as they were riding home together “Mei, you could stand to be a lot more direct."

So, tired like she often is, Mei decides to take the leap and try to trust Yuzu with her trauma. Also, notice how moments before she does Yuzu tells Mei to come to her with any problem she has, and in what Mei does next, she sees herself as doing just that, because she yearns for Yuzu desperately. She tells her she's about to be more direct, seductively approaches her. As Yuzu feels Mei’s heart through her boob which she put Yuzu’s hand on (oh boy hurray gay), her words “My heart is about to leap from my chest for you” is as close as Yuzu was going to be to a love confession, but her following words are even more important to set the tone of her actions.

Still with Yuzu’s hand on her boob she tells her “There are things inside me which would thrill you, and some that would terrify you. I need you to understand that much from the very start” is the informed consent on being an emotionally damaged person. She's telling Yuzu that she doesn't even really know her own trauma or when it will come up, but she's willing to dive into a full relationship with Yuzu while still not knowing her own chaos- she's going to freak out from time to time but she'll process those emotions as they come up.

After Yuzu pulls away, not feeling comfortable with the sudden interest from Mei she brings it home again “You forced your way in and helped me process these chaotic emotions I have (about her father and grandfather), so let's do what you want to do- I think I know what that is” is her laying out just how she feels about Yuzu as a person, she respects and admirers her. It seems like just blank seduction again, but Mei is really asking Yuzu for a specific thing: permission to be messy while being in a full relationship with her. Since Mei doesn't even really know the dark corners of her own mind where her traumatic memories hide, it's the best she can do.

Again, Mei wants to get Yuzu as close to her physically as she can, and to be useful to Yuzu as her lover. Also, I think Mei closing the deal with sex is the only way she feels she'll know she can trust Yuzu, after they do it she can curl up in her arms and feel safe.

So, is Yuzu wrong to reject Mei’s offer of sex? Again, of course not, but she is wrong to shut down emotionally like she does. When Mei tells her “yes” when she asks if it's ok to sleep with her, she can tell there's something off with the way Mei looks at her. After pulling back from nearly kissing her, Mei is waiting for Yuzu’s answer, her look is very serious. Mei is thinking “will she take this risk with me?” and she's holding herself back a bit to await the answer. If Yuzu says yes, great. They will spontaneously go all the way and Mei can feel like the sex closed the deal on them being together.

If Yuzu says no, that means Yuzu isn't willing to be in a relationship with someone as messed up as she is, she can't handle it. Again, it's informed consent. Yuzu doesn't quite grasp the magnitude of what Mei is asking her for, and when she says no, Mei slams the door to her heart she had offered to open to Yuzu, seemingly for good after she ghosts Yuzu all of January leading up to the school trip. Mei goes back to believing that Yuzu can never really understand someone that's been hurt like she has, and it’ll take Yuzu’s most open and vulnerable love confession to convince her otherwise.

For Yuzu, she rejects Mei out of her own reasonable romantic expectations, yet again. It's not the fairy tale ending she's read in her manga so she gets scared. There's no slow build, no romance in how Mei is suddenly asking her to sleep with her. Yuzu doesn't want sex without all of the other things, the little, tender moments. Without those shared joys, Yuzu is scared the relationship won't be strong enough to survive the bumps in the road.

Yuzu will reflect on this expectation, and how she isn't thinking about Mei's feelings and how she might not be available to be romantic in that moment because of her own hang ups. And how as the non traumatized one, she needs to make more space for Mei’s feelings. That's what being a good partner means for someone like her. Once again, The Christmas Armageddon is all about how they had different expectations, and weren't really understanding each other. Yuzu needs to think about Mei's feelings more if this is going to work, and how Mei feels too broken to do so back in kind.

Kyoto Sarah Arc 💋

Yuzu really knows she's in the doghouse when she wakes up the morning of the trip and Mei ghosted her so she’ll miss the train. A month has gone by and Yuzu hasn't been able to figure out why Mei has gone total Ice Queen on her. How Mei tried to tell her that she was broken inside but would try to be with her anyways. For Yuzu, she feels like she didn't even really do anything to be in the doghouse in the first place, if Mei was serious about being with her she should have had other chances, they could have done the slow build. Why did Mei shut down on her instead?

Yuzu is really smart, but it's not without some help from her friends that she's able to figure out how to get through to Mei. Sarah will later tell her that she and Mei are alike, they are both scared little girls trying to protect their hearts. Mei is scared that someone like Yuzu will never be able to understand her trauma, that she's too broken to ever be with anyone. So she shuts the doors to her heart to protect herself but I also believe to protect Yuzu from what she feels is a lost cause- herself. Yuzu has to come to understand these things about Mei in order to be with her.

I've said Matsuri isn't a bad person, and she really comes to Yuzu’s rescue with one of the best lines in the series “If you want to be with someone, then you have to consider their feelings”. It's not that Yuzu’s expectations of romance are wrong, it's that she places those expectations on Mei that's wrong, because Mei isn't her. Yuzu is totally in love with Mei, she wants to be with her. What does being with Mei look like when Mei has emotional damage? How does making it work with Mei go, if Yuzu isn't scared and trying to ‘protect her own heart’?

Yuzu comes to realize that to have Mei she's got to set her expectations aside and accept whatever comes next because Mei believes she's too broken to be with her. Those feelings of brokenness prevent Mei from having the same romantic dream as Yuzu. She has to understand Mei’s feelings as well as say her own feelings to Mei in a way that Mei can understand them. Nothing less than her most vulnerable love confession will do this, that's what it's going to take for Mei to understand that Yuzu sees how scared she is and is still choosing to be with her.

Now, we of course get a rival for Mei’s affections, but it's not that serious. I like Sarah. I think she's fun, I really do. And I think that she's a plot device is a bit too obvious. But we do need her to be in the story for Mei’s most important line leading up to the confession: “Tell me whether or not you need me.”

This line echoes Mei's earlier lines and has everything to do with Mei’s feelings that she's too broken to be loved. She wants someone to tell her that she's useful for a purpose, that's something she knows she can believe in. Her whole life before meeting Yuzu was how she felt she had to be the heir because that's what she believed having purpose looked like. But love is not so simple as being needed for a job you can fill, yet Yuzu will know to say those exact words,“I need you” to Mei during her confession.

I realize Mei’s behavior in ep10-12 can be hard to understand, Yuzu says it outright “Maybe she really is done with me”. But rest assured the whole time Mei is hoping against all odds that she can be with Yuzu, she just doesn't see how her wish can come true. Yuzu is what she wants, she just doesn't feel good enough about herself to be with her. How do we know this? We can look at Mei’s bear, her external representation of her feelings.

This bear is so important in the anime that it appears during their confession kiss scene, and it appears here a couple more revealing times. The first is when Mei goes to the relationship shrine, she secludes herself as best she can to ask for guidance on how to be with Yuzu. She holds her bear in the crook of her fingers while she prays for guidance. Mei is very much thinking about Yuzu, but she’s stuck on what she can do to make things better after ruining it all yet again.

The second time is when she's getting ready for bed, she has tucked her bear into a little futon she has for him. This is mostly just a soft moment for us, but I think it's important because I believe what we’re being shown is Mei doing self care.

She doesn't know what to do with her life or how to be with Yuzu, but she can make her bear’s life a little better, so she does. She's taking a moment to show the representation of her innermost self some comfort. When she feels so far away from Yuzu emotionally, she comforts herself by taking care of the bear Yuzu put back together for her. Like her soul- Yuzu has helped her put back together her inner self, by confronting her abuser, rescuing from her grandfather's home, and reuniting her with her dad. Being with Yuzu is absolutely all that's on Mei’s mind.

Before we really get to the kiss, let's dwell a bit on Yuzu's emotional journey of letting go of her romantic expectations and confusion over sisterly love. Yuzu recognizes in Mei that she needs love and support aside from Yuzu’s self interest of pursuing her romantically, so Yuzu at first approaches Mei outside the hotel offering that. Mei counters her “Tell me how you really feel about me.” And Yuzu chokes, she wasn't expecting Mei to confront her on why she actually cares so much, and Mei is being frigid and stoic as she does. Yuzu is so scared of Mei’s scorn that she doesn't see how Mei is asking for her true feelings, like we see her confess during their kiss.

That Yuzu has been in the doghouse the last month, not really knowing why, has her on edge such that Mei's guarded response throws her. But, as I mentioned above, Yuzu didn't see how Mei opened herself up to Yuzu that night about her trauma and how hard being in a relationship would be, but that she would do it. Largely, Yuzu misses these cues because of her own romantic expectations blocking her from seeing Mei’s emotions.

It's so bad that Matsuri, the person who told her to think about Mei's feelings, nearly calls Yuzu to ask if she's gotten Mei to be her girlfriend yet. But the whole time episodes 10-12 are going on we’re hearing Yuzu process her romantic expectations against Mei’s needs. Shes intuitive and smart like few people are about emotions, and knowing this Matsuri elects to not call her. “She’ll figure it out, this is Yuzu we’re talking about.”

We get a couple more meetings of the lovers along the way, such as in Mei’s hotel room hiding under the covers. At this point in the story Yuzu has recognized that she’s in love with Mei and that being with her is worth it, but hasn't found the words yet. Nestled together under the covers to hide from Momo, Yuzu first hugs Mei, like she always does, wanting that closeness.

Mei reacts to it, she's very vulnerable having Yuzu so close. These are the kinds of hugs Mei needs to really heal her emotions- to melt into Yuzu's embrace. Yet Mei isn't sure Yuzu can handle being her girlfriend. Seeing Mei fighting against this, of hugging or crying or melting into her sexually (Mei wants all of the above) Yuzu decides that maybe she can convince Mei sexually, she kisses her neck, Mei pushes her away. Again, not what Mei really wants in that moment.

She's not feeling at all safe with Yuzu, she doesn't feel like she can trust her with her desires and her traumas all at once, so Yuzu trying to seduce her through her sexual yearning is a violation of her personal space and her wants. Yuzu still isn't understanding what Mei needs, after a little fight she's kicked to the curb yet again, which sets her up for her confession.

The Kiss- Yuzu gets what she wants, after making sure Mei gets what she needs, that is.

How adorable is this whole sequence, neh? From Mei running away from Yuzu trying to talk to her, too scared to let herself have romantic feelings after constantly messing everything up. To Yuzu’s telling her that she doesn't understand her, her chaos, how she desires her one second, then pushes her away, then gets all clingy and fragile. To Yuzu trying to jump the steps to catch up to Mei, and Mei having to break her fall for her. To the bear, Mei being too emotionally fragile to act on her feelings in that moment. To Yuzu telling her she wants a kiss from Mei. It's one of the most emotionally raw moments in media you can find.

Every bit of Yuzu's emotional intelligence and journey through her own emotions to understand what Mei wants, needs, to be with her is on display during this sequence. Having finally pinned Mei down in the gayest way possible, Yuzu starts by bringing up how she failed to think about Mei’s feelings on Christmas, and then goes on to say how realizes that when she struck Mei on the night of her fathers return she was wrong to fight with her- because as her lover she needs to be the one person Mei doesn't have to fight with. As an abuse survivor, Mei has been fighting nonstop for the last 5 plus years, and Yuzu must never be a source of violence like that.

Then she tells her she's in love with her, and that she’ll always need her. Mei didn't need to ask to find out if it was true, Yuzu was able to figure out that Mei was worrying about it with her raw emotional intelligence.

But nothing compares to how earnestly Yuzu confesses her love, and then closes her eyes to wait to see if Mei feels the same way by kissing her. Once she’s awaiting Mei’s answer, there is no fear in Yuzu as she does, she's found total peace. Before, Yuzu was afraid to be with Mei and have it not go well, to have it end with her getting her heart broken, and Mei could sense that fear.

But there's no fear now as she straddles Mei with her eyes closed, softening her face and lips and waiting to be kissed. If Mei rejects her, she’ll accept it with dignity. If Mei kisses her, that's ok too. Yuzu has let go of all of her expectations so Mei is free to choose without having to feel pressured about hurting Yuzu’s feelings if she feels she has to confirm Yuzu’s worst fears and reject her.

Yuzu's peacefulness allows Mei the chance to consider her answer without freaking out. A long time passes, and we see on Mei’s face that the answer is yes- she's in love with Yuzu, too. But she gets scared when she tries to reach for Yuzu to kiss her, love is too vulnerable. She looks for a way, all as Yuzu patiently waits, to tell her yes but that she needs to take it slow and not just dive in all at once.

So she uses her bear, the representation of her innermost self, that which Yuzu fixed for her, to kiss her. It's a really cute moment, and as Yuzu looks at Mei’s blushing shyness past the bear at her lips, she gets that Mei is saying yes while also asking for time. But, the answer is yes. Mei wants her, in the romantic way she wants her to, but is scared.

And Yuzu thinks that's okay. But Yuzu knows she deserves a kiss after all her hard work, so she reaches for Mei who is too shy to do it “Thanks, but I want one from you”. Yuzu kisses her with love and thanks and desire, and Mei kisses back with relief and desire but she's still scared and you can see the pain from that. But their kiss lasts a long time as Mei melts into it. It was okay for Yuzu to ask for what she wants here, Mei loved that kiss.

That fear is something Mei will work on now that she's with Yuzu. As they walk back to the station to meet Sarah, Yuzu looks satisfied and content with her world, while Mei looks anxious about the path ahead of her and learning to be with Yuzu romantically.

Conclusion

And that's all, right? Easy peasy…

Well no. Citrus isn't a complete story, and Mei's journey of becoming better has just begun. I'm not sure she's even gotten there in the manga, certainly not the anime. Which is ok.

But make no mistake that the author deliberately chose Mei as a character to tell a story about a traumatized person with PTSD getting a chance to be better, and Yuzu is the charming means to tell that story. She's the best bean, the most heartwarming and sweet character that wins all of our hearts over. She's genius level when it comes to reading other's emotions, and we should all be so lucky to know a Yuzu in our lives, but few will ever be so fortunate.

Think of how lucky every friend Yuzu has is to know her- Matsuri, Sara, Harumin, she makes everything better. Mei is just the most notable case of receiving Yuzu's love. And boy does she need it.

Mei has a ways to go yet, but I think one example of her being considerate of Yuzu's feelings is how she refuses to say she loves Yuzu back after Yuzu asks her to, instead saying that they're dating. You might be thinking that was a big letdown! Instead, think of how carefully Mei is treating their relationship.

Mei knows she loves Yuzu back but she's not going to say it if she can't be totally genuine when she's a mess of emotions at the moment. Sara telling her to hold Yuzu's hand was already a big step she felt, but I think she shows even greater maturity and growth with her immediate acceptance when Yuzu's ask that they kiss again, because it's my favorite kiss. The confession kiss was great but Mei is still afraid then, so it was a bit painful to watch. But when they kiss again, she's doing it with no fear, she's in the moment. They both relaxed and enjoyed it.

It's probably not that simple, Mei is still holding back in all their later interactions but she was able to kiss Yuzu like she was her girlfriend then without all the PTSD getting in the way. It's a big start in the right direction, and things will continue getting better.

In a lot of ways Mei is deep down a good person, I really think that, however she is a Japanese woman and that does make her flawed. She doesn't like big displays of affection and she doesn't like showing affection in public- which is very Japanese, and also very reasonable. But she does want to be in love and do that stuff with Yuzu. Luckily she shows that in their final moments together.

The school trip is over and it's back to school, and as she's walking with Yuzu, Yuzu asks to hold her hand. Which at first she rejects, because see above. Yet she thinks better of it and takes Yuzu's hand after all. Which is a huge display of public affection, she's announcing it to the whole school.

But as we're shown in those moments Mei looks strengthened by it. You can see on her face how hard her job is, every second is work as the heir and president of the school, yet Mei feels more steadfast doing it with Yuzu as her girlfriend. She knows she's stronger with Yuzu by her side, it's a subtle expression but it's there- Yuzu gives her strength, and she's ready to show that to the whole world.

Thanks for reading.

----------------------------------------------------

If you liked this post, please help with a 💞 reblogg 💞 if you can, let's make the world a little better together!! The world needs good vibes maybe more now than ever, so let's spread it around! Thank you lots.

I promise more to come on this lovely show, and as always, let me know if you have questions in the comments and the asks!

-EtheriaDearie

[lolitakirstein]

a/n: ooof this turned into a damn text thread i'm sorry.and mostly eren POV, shitty editing this is going to have to be in multiple parts. I'll get part 2 up ASAP. :)

Eren reached for his phone, brows furrowing. It was odd for him to ever hear an alert from it, let alone a text notification. He had made it that way. Cutting off communication to most, keeping conversations to a bare minimum with those who were close...well...more at arm's length...maybe further than that.

If I keep people out, they can't hurt me. they won't know I'm such a fucked up person.

He flipped his phone over, reading the text.

You: hey eren :)

His heartbeat kicked up seeing your name on his phone. You seemed to be the only person who would reach out without being talked to first. Of all the people in his "friends" group, it was you who seemed the less likely to judge...if he ever got that vulnerable with you. Which he doubted he would, you deserved better than someone as fucked up at him. But when you looked at him, he sometimes felt that you saw past his flaws.

His fingers hovered over the screen unsure what to write, finally settling for a simple "Hey."

You: How are you? I haven't seen you in a while.

It was true, you hadn't seen each other in weeks. The last time being a get together for the end of summer.

Eren: I'm fine..just minding my own business as usual."

You: well you can mind your business and still not be a stranger :)

the lighterheardness of your message made him actually smile. The thought that you are wanting him to be closer though...that makes him nervous. He doesn't want you to look at him differently if he got any closer.

Eren: I wouldn't mind that

You: Well lets plan a hang out or something :)

Eren paced his living room. Were you being flirty? or just friendly? or maybe even pitying him? How was he supposed to go about this...play along? he wanted to. Fuck he wanted to get closer to you. But that voice in his head told him it would end in disaster.

"Fuck it," he said aloud to the room

Eren: Maybe we could go for ice cream, yeah?

You: that sounds fun!

Eren waited to respond, not wanting to seem to eager, but he had come this far he might as well go for it...

Eren: would you like to later today?

the minute he sent it, he regretted it. Too soon, too desperate, too overbearing.

You: I can't today. Me jean and connie are going downtown to the bar. I've already backed out twice ugh

His heart dropped at that fucking name

JEAN

He knew you and jean were friends, closer than you and him were, but it still boiled his blood that you were going out with him...even just as friends. He knew how jean got when he was drunk. Hell he knew how jean acted sober especially around you. Hanging around, shameless flirting, playfully tugging your hair as he'd pass behind you.

Eren:Why the fuck are you going with horseface. Hes a creep, he just wants to use you I hate how he touches you Alright, have fun.

He breathed deeply. Calming himself before he could get any angrier at the situation. Yes, he knew it was wrong to get mad at you for going out. But why did it have to be with Jean. He hoped Connie would keep an eye on you and him at least.

*4 hours later*

Eren was lying on his couch, the tv going, but honestly his thoughts were constantly on you being out there at some cheap bar with Jean. No doubt his fucking horse hooves all over you. What were you doing? what was he doing? what were you wearing?

Is she thinking of me?

His resolve to not text you the rest of the night crumbled at last. Reaching for his phone he thumbed to your name and typed

Eren: Hope you are having a fun night.

After what seemed like an eternity but was really only 10 minutes, he saw you begin to reply. His heart kicked up.

you: Heyyyy. I'm a bit buzzed but im havn fun. connie and jean are doing karaoke save me lol

He smirked at your jumbled reply and the thought of jackass jean doing karaoke thinking he's hot shit.

Eren: i'm sure that's a sight. What those dipshits singing...or attempting to sing

you: connies in his missy elliot era rn. Jean just serenaded me with some taylor swift.

Eren clenched his jaw. He knew you were a secret swiftie as much as you tried to act like you werent, he'd catch you humming it. Now it seems Jean is also aware of your little secret.

Playing cool he replies, "Never took that asshole to be a swiftie."

you: me neither, it's definitely the booze

Eren: How much more drinking do you guys plan on doing?

You: I'm tapping out after this one

An attached photo came along with your text. It was dimly lit but he could make out the shape of a dozen or so shot glasses empty on the table and your hand holding your last one up for the camera. And there, blurry but still visible, right in the corner was Jean...his hand on your leg.

DAMN HIM

He feels every emotion rush through him: anger, jealousy, possessiveness, sadness. He heartbeat pounded in his ear.

Eren: What's with Jean being all handsy?

He hoped that sounded subtle and not like a psychopath...with yes he was probably acting like one. Even going so far as to zoom in on the photo to see how far up your leg jeans hands were.

you: Probably to keep from falling over.

You were playing it off like it was no big deal?!

Eren: That doesn't look like the ideal place to put his hand to keep from falling over."

you: Lol. you know how he is when he is drunk...all...lovey

At this point, red is all Eren sees. He doesn't care if he comes off like an asshole or possessive anymore. How could you be so oblivious and naive that Jean was doing this intentionally.

Eren: Doesn't that piss you off that he gets all handsy like that? He shouldn't be allowed to touch you, even if he's drunk.

No going back now. Whatever progress eren had thought he had made with you would certainly be gone after this show of anger. His true self. Fuck it he didn't care. This is why he stayed to himself. In one evening, you had stabbed him in the heart...

Part 2 sneaky peak:

"You know i can't be like him right?" "I don't want you to be like him...I want you to be like you."

thanks for reading :)

[punch-love]

Re: Peter's "emo anger",

I hope it didnt come off as trivializing to call it emo!!! I just meant that it's the type of anger that is behind my favorite pop-punk & screamo songs and feels like a staple of the genre to me. It was definitely a projection on my part; I'm sure people could still call it punk anger, it just depends on what songs they're listening to lol.

I relate a lot to Peter's struggle to feel "powerful", which to me reads as if he's got his wires majorly crossed between power, autonomy, harm, and retribution. I screenshotted a line where civilian Peter thinks: "Wade has no idea of his capacity to bite back." Whether Aunt May's distaste for his self expression or perhaps pushback he's experienced around being trans, Peter has felt backed up into a corner when it comes to his autonomy, and as Spiderman he reclaims it through wielding his body as a weapon. But it's not a healthy type of empowerment, it's more of a form of self harm. A constant power struggle between himself, if you will. That's my take on it anyways. And obviously Wade really challenges this part of him that "needs" to feel powerful to feel in control, and it's lead to many crises around why he "needs" that to begin with (ex: when he abandons the suit and pendulums in the opposite direction, where he becomes listless and suicidal)

Not sure if this is TMI but seeing these facets of Peter being explored in LP has gotten me thinking about my similarly wire-crossed relationship to power/autonomy/etc. I've really been getting my money's worth out of my therapy sessions recently LOL it's inspired a lot of important introspection. So I'm really thankful for your characterization of Peter

Peter's struggle to feel "powerful" through being in control is one of - if not the most - personally inspired aspects of his character to me. It's something I have always struggled with as a person. I've found writing it in such an honest and unflattering way has been a very vulnerable experience.

It means a lot to me that it's an aspect of him that you not only relate to, but also felt inspired by to work through. I think as a writer my personal goal is always to write characters that people can see themselves through a third perspective - messy, imperfect, selfish, and earnest. It's hard to have sympathy toward the complications of ourselves, but it's very easy to forgive and understand flawed character.

"He's got his wires majorly crossed between power, autonomy, harm, and retribution." <- you really understand the character. Peter's life has been one of never actually being able to be seen as powerful enough to not be harmed by others. I think he feels like if he figures out a way to be perceived as untouchable, then nothing will touch him. Peter absolutely uses Spider-Man as a form of self-harm (and also a drug) to numb him from the fact that he still feels powerless. Wade triggers that aspect of him near-constantly, and is unapologetic about exploiting it as a weakness. I feel really satisfied that you understand what I am doing with that aspect of Peter on such an intimate and personal level. I feel like I really accomplished what I wanted to do in writing him by just having (1) person so aptly point out that aspect of his character.

I don't think it's TMI at all when people tell me how they've projected or understood themselves through my writing. It's again, truly the heartbeat behind why I write the way I write. I don't want to put morals in my work, so much as empathic mirrors. I want people to have more understanding toward the inherent complication of our own imperfections. It really, deeply touches me that my work did that for you. I love that you've been working it out in therapy, and I hope you continue figuring out how to untangle that crossover of autonomy/power/control wires in you. I'm proud of you for doing that work, and thank you so much for telling me.

[the-badger-mole]

Hi! Been loving your blog and writing!

I really like your characterization and opinions of A.ang. It’s nice to read fan fic and blogs that just gets it. Down the road and back again was just *chef’s kiss*. (Also uncharted waters I’m loving! I never know what to expect and each chapter is so good)

Anyways I was wondering if you have any head cannon’s of what a K.ataang marriage would look like? For me I imagine it being it being extremely passive aggressive, also A.ang is really selfish so that definitely would hurt their marriage. It’s kind of like the opposite side of the toxic coin with M.aiko being a screaming match and in your face constantly breaking up, K.ataang would be toxic but it’s quite and they would try to save face in public. I don’t know What do you think?

I kind of touched on it in Choices and Consequences, but I picture it being a lot of Katara swallowing her feelings and being a single mother to four children. I don't believe she was ever actually in love with Aang. She may have tried to tell herself she was, but I think the only reason she ended up with Aang is because she felt like she owed him. Kataang was unhealthy on both their parts, and while I do tend to focus on Aang (because he's awful, and I will not ever stop pointing that out), I think Katara was guilty of putting him on a pedestal. She knew the Avatar would save the world, and I think that's why she ignored Aang's flaws. Everyone wanted to end the war, but for her, it was a deeply intense and personal desire, and the Avatar would be the one to deliver that. It's a lot of pressure to put on a 12 year old who grew up slow in a world without war, and she knew that. On some level, Katara was aware of how much pressure Aang was under, which is why I think she was so insistent on everyone being gentle with him, even though they didn't have that kind of time. Then when he actually did end the war (he didn't, at least not alone, but the show refused to give credit where it was due) Katara felt some sort of obligation towards him and called it love.

Katara is a smart, passionate girl, and she would've wanted a partner who would appreciate that and respect her thoughts, feelings and opinions. The glimpses of her relationship with Aang in the early comics show me that she didn't have that with him. Aang didn't respect her feelings over those of his fangirls. He ignored her discomfort, and even thanked her for understanding why he needed to connect with those girls who were being horribly disrespectful because "sharing his culture"🤮. It wasn't their treatment of her that upset him. It was them doing something that offended him personally.

Meanwhile, Katara had to swallow her own feelings and smile through it all. That's how I see their relationship going. I think Katara might have convinced herself that he respected her thoughts and opinions because he relied on her as a caregiver and he took her everywhere, but I think as he grew into his own, he would've expected her to step back and be contented to be a homemaker/broodmare while he did the important Avatar work, which is why I think Katara wasn't present in that scene in LoK where bloodbending was banned, even though she was ostensibly the only other bloodbender in the world, but Aang was front and center. It's also my theory on why when Aang was about to go all in on pushing for anti-miscegenation, instead of her telling him that it would be a bad idea because of the effects it would have on the families and communities Aang would be separating, she appealed to how it would affect him.

I don't think their marriage would be passive aggressive. I think Katara would just make herself as small as possible and do her best to keep the Avatar happy and on track because that's what she owed him. She'd have moments of acknowledging her deep unhappiness and regret, but she wouldn't dwell on it. And she would convince herself she was content to be a devoted wife and mother, and nothing else.

[galar-abortion-clinic]

🍀🧠🥊🎓 For Jules, Mauly, and Rory! Just curious about these three!

(Jules is getting his own post since someone else asked about him, so stay tuned. Same twat time, same twat channel)

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC?

Conceptually, both Mauly and Rory are two sides of the same coin. At first I only had Mauly, but I decided to extract a few traits from her and squelch those out into their own character so that her personality wouldn’t feel so totally neutered by incompetence. She’s a little more idealized, whereas Rory is my worst fear of what I could turn out to be, or how other people might perceive me

Mauly is impulsive, brash, self-serving, and arrogant. She’s unapologetically angry, horny, and human. Rory is all of those things, but deeply insecure and constantly overcompensating. He’s pathetic and he makes me sick. Basically he boils down to “sid vicious if he were a bit less of a dick, purely because he’s subdued by cowardice”

Design-wise? Kalos’ rendition of the Punk Guy/Girl trainer class, man. I fell in love instantly. Also this one specific tank girl page:

Good shit

🧠 - What do you like most about the OC?

Mauly takes no shit. Sure, that might mean she leaves a bad taste in some people’s mouths, but she knows when she deserves to be treated better. Something I’ve always struggled with has been not standing up for myself because I’m worried it’ll hurt or inconvenience other people. Mauly says fuck those other people, It’s not my job to accommodate anyone else’s existence by minimizing my own. Her whole arc is about self-acceptance through ambivalence. “Even if i don’t love myself, i can’t change who I am. You’re not going to change me either, and you look stupid for trying”

Rory’s best use to me is catharsis. I’ve shoved all the shit I hate about myself into this guy and exaggerated it by queefzillion, and it feels reassuring to see him being knocked down a peg for behaving like a little wart. It also feels kind of nice when he still manages to find occasional kindness in spite of his many, many glaringly hideous flaws.

🥊 - What do they love to do? What do they hate to do?

Mauly was one of those kids who every adult in her life would describe as “so creative” and “a free spirit”, which is actually grown-up code for “this poor bastard’s gonna be a starving artist and we’re hiding our disappointment”. If she had the means to create more often, she’d have a lot of fun honing her craft and fully leaning into art as an outlet for her angst

Because she’s so hands-on and skilled at improvised patching and the like, she often gets stuck with repair responsibilities by the other schmucks she lives with. She doesn’t mind slapping duct tape over stuff several times over or whacking things with a hammer til it fits right, she just would prefer not being assigned that job by other people. Never tell her what to do

Rory’s nimble fingers don’t only make him a passable thief, but also a possibly-not-the-worst musician. He’s never played for anyone else, which might be why he kinda sucks, but it’s one of the few things he keeps to himself instead of bloating to give his delicate ego some padding. His songbook is loaded with edgy cringe, but its the sort of raw soul-bearing stuff that reminds you there’s a person in there. Not a great person, but a person

Anyway something he hates doing is uhhhhhh giving to charity,

🎓- How long have you had the OC?

Mauly’s been around ffffforrrrrr i wanna say maybe two years now? For a long time she was just an idea in my head, i didn’t wanna touch that idea til i knew exactly what i wanted to do with it

Rory’s my freshest OC, only been around for like a month. Not even. Could still use some fine tuning

Bonus: some VERY rough first drafts of Mauly that’re a little closer to the source material (excuse the positively grimy state of the paper, i dont take very good care of my sketchbooks)

[krovscastlerpg]

Escander | Slave | 750 | Celestial (Temperance) | Versatile

"Lord have mercy, for they know not what they do."

Escander has always been, in his own estimations, a very junior celestial. He was deeply surprised that he ever got to visit the earth at all, having taken centuries to build up the courage before he slipped down out of sheer curiosity in the early 1500s, between the two great wars. Escander quickly fell in love with humans, admiring all their quirks and peculiarities of beings, and most of all, that, no matter how flawed they were, in his summations they were constantly striving for the light. He travelled the world for a few decades, before returning to what felt most familiar - to places of worship and prayer. He quickly settled into a monastery deep in Eastern Europe, in an area which would eventually become known as Romania, and there he settled.

He had never truly intended to stay on Earth for any great length of time, just a century or so to sate his curiosity. But the monks of the monastery seemed so delighted to have him and there always seemed to be some manner in which his help was needed - in healing, in teaching, in the guiding of their precious souls in spiritual matters. None of this is to say that Escander took over the monastery, in fact he took great pains to always defer to the abbot and to hold himself to the same rules and order as any junior monk. He treated the monks as brothers, with the deepest of possible affections from the eldest and most senior to the boys of eight or ten first joining the monastery. He once even took a vow of silence for fifty years with a monk of just eighteen, who was scared he wouldn’t be able to keep it by himself. All of this, though, paled in comparison to the love he felt for a particular monk, Stefan.

Escander would, being no fighter of himself, have departed for the heavens at the beginning of the second war, had it not been for Stefan. Stefan came to Escander’s monastery already of the cloth and in his late twenties. Although Escander had bonded with many of the monks who had come and gone, his relationship with Stefan was unlike any other and the two were completely inseparable. Escander would not have dared call it love aloud, for speaking it aloud would have spoken his sin into being, and though they never so much as allowed their lips to touch, he could not bear the thought of leaving Stefan. The longer he delayed, the more Stefan aged, and the more it pained Escander to even consider leaving. When Stefan died in 1810, in his bed, having lived into his nineties, Escander was certain of his misstep - that he had delayed and dilly-dallied so long that God would most certainly be angry.

Unsure of what he ought to do, something changed in Escander’s mind, a switch flipped, making him certain that his tenure at the monastery was, in fact, his mission from God (although no such missive had ever come). He had not moved more than twenty miles from the monastery since his arrival there, and continued to be stationary there for the next two-hundred years. Following the conclusion of the war, with celestials being highly prized and hunted, it was the monks that seemed more to be protecting Escander, whose existence became a closely guarded secret. Whereas in early times, monks and religious authorities from far afield had made pilgrimage to speak with Escander (though he understood not why), these became fewer and fewer as the monks of the monastery allowed others to believe that Escander had long since departed. They took great pains to ensure that Escander did not even go so far as the local market, insisting it was for his own safety. For many years, and throughout the lifetimes of many of the human monks, Escander remained an old story, perhaps one that had never been true at all.

Until recently. With the invention of the internet and mass media, and the slow collapse of the remoteness that protected such places as Escander’s monastery, Escander’s position became more and more precarious. The monastery closed to tourists and pilgrimage, began wasting away in its membership as fewer and fewer came through the doors, those remaining growing steadily older and more infirm. It was during an audit from the greater church that outsiders discovered Escander’s presence, and quickly betrayed it to hunters, who came in significant numbers and powers, knowing great force would be needed to take a celestial. Despite their certainty, Escander went quietly, as soon as he realised that the hunters were ready to slaughter the dozen or so remaining monks. Now he is uncertain what fate awaits him in Krovs.

Positive Traits: Attentive, gentle, self-sufficient, curious, optimistic

Negative Traits: Preachy, anxious, out of touch with the world, black-and-white thinker, naive

3 turn-ons: Chastity/denial, being submissive, body worship

3 turn-offs: Violence, dirty talk, bathroom kinks

[goetzjpvis]

2/26/24 "Phoenix" JPT3702

A general pattern I've noticed across Tezuka's works is the idea of a minor societal/personal flaw which is then blown up into being the crux of his story's conflict, which is very much something I enjoy! Tezuka's Phoenix is another example of these same storytelling devices, following the lives of several individuals who seek out feathers from the illusive phoenix, several of whom are tasked to retrieve it for the sake of an empress (Queen Himiko) concerned about her looks...!

What does that say about Queen Himiko? As illustrated by the book, Himiko is obsessed with her appearance. She constantly cries about how she is getting older and her wrinkles are showing more, leading her to behave more erratically in order to gain a sense of control. As a result, she orders several generals and those under her army's command to retrieve the phoenix's feathers, in so invading the country of Kumaso.

While on a small scale, this does say that looks are something pathetic to obsess over, it also teaches the important lesson in that you must keep small matters small. Queen Himiko has an insecurity which ends up being the reason for invading and slaughtering another country, which is completely blown out of proportion! In the past, we have seen kings kill their subjects because they looked at them weird, and even now, we can see the invasion of countries for... oil! Tezuka's manga takes a peaceful protest against these matters by displaying how ridiculous Queen Himiko's (and by extention, other's) actions are.

This manga also tackles the individuality complex, which queen Himiko definitely has, and her brother's keen ability to take over the country from within using her insecurity for his own gain. This is likely a lesson to readers to not allow themselves to think they're more special than anybody else, and to not let your insecurities control you. I assume that as a physician who has gone through training, Tezuka must have felt the need at one point or another to conform with his fellow doctors and employees. Perhaps Himiko's brother is a metaphor for society's demands to be "normal"? This would explain why Himiko cracked under pressure so easily from her looks alone.

Another point I want to touch on was the spy, and his invasion of Kumaso. I found it interesting that after everything he did to his wife's village, he ended up simultaneously saving her from the army. I think the dialogue between her and him (in the cave) displayed what I would consider a 'moral weakness' in that he knew it would be wrong to kill his wife's entire family, but he did so anyways, and when faced between a crossroads of his decisions, all he could do was 'save' his wife from a suicide attempt as a means to atone for his selfish decision. He's trying to have his cake and eat it too! This theme I see also in "The wind rises", and this character archetype is seen as deeply flawed. cowardly, and something for those in society to avoid being.

Some funny last things I want to note: Saruta looks literally like a monkey, lol

I also noticed a lot of Tezuka's stylistic choices being derivative of disney..... when the dog was shot in the butt with an arrow early in the story, you could see his "yelp" look like how Mickey Mouse's does when he's struck in the back! I think Tezuka was reading lots of Disney comics and watching their animations when he was writing his own comics!

[phoenix-is-the-hottest-thing]

Top five favourite characters with reasons why ?

1. Mobius

She is the character ever. Autistic behavior. Cup noodles addict. My little hiss hiss. My baby rattle rattle. Would stab as a warning. Likes cute animals. Sassy bitch. Nurturing streak. Man-hating lesbian. Would beat up god in a parking lot. She’s even a mom.

Her only “flaw” is that I don’t actually like the color green

2. Mei

Originally I wasn’t a huge fan of her, but she MASSIVELY grew on me thanks to ER. I also enjoy her various event-inspired or fanart-inspired AU versions writers have made up~

She cares a lot and stabs her problems and I love that for both Mobius and her. Sword lesbian let’s go

3. Hua

Hua was my first love in this game, she’s just got SO much lore and she’s been through SO much and I absolutely adore how sincerely she still cares about others. She’s a tortured little meow meow but she stands back up over and over again

Also Shattered Samsara is my favorite animation

4. Elysia

I try to pretend the weird parts of her characterization in EE don’t exist. Elysia in ER is SO fun, incredibly shameless, makes me laugh constantly, gay as fuck, shady as hell but nevertheless incredibly sincere, mary sue subversion (damn you EE for forgetting the subversion part!!), just a living contradiction of a character and ever since last year I was HERE for it.

She’s kinda low because of how EE messed her up for me, ngl, but even with that in mind I’m still incredibly fond of her.

5. Kiana

I like her less than I used to for the very simple reason that her fans have deeply annoyed me through being jerks to some of my friends, BUT. Overall I still like her a lot. She’s fun to bully in stories, she’s a beautiful and passionate character and she’s had incredible growth throughout the story that I’ve found deeply touching. She’s also gay as hell which I always appreciate. I’ve been really happy to see her grow up and she looks pretty beat up!

Honorable mentions, no order in particular:

Vill-V (blorbo!!! babygirl(s). Just suffers from lack of screentime and lots of blank spots backstory wise, else she’d be higher on the list. I love you vivi)

Rita (deserves more screentime but she’s so fun. also looks hot beaten up)

Gray Serpent (they’re creepy they’re hilarious and I’ve loved them more ever since I’ve realized they’re a hivemind of momma’s boys)

Aponia (loved her potential but she didn’t really live up to it due to “yeah we dropped your story arc sorryyy” disease. deserved way more)

ELF Klein (baby…. so small. but so brave. she’d extremely well-written and hilarious. Her relationship with Mobius is MWAH. remember when she tried giving Can the cat cup noodles ;-; I miss her ER sprite somehow it was more expressive than her model…)

[itgirlification]

supermodel (3) | jjk

when you asked jungkook to come over, you didn’t expect it to end this way.

pairing: ex-bf!jk x thick!reader

warnings: unprotected sex, spitting, face slapping, spanking, etc.

now playing: stuck on you by giveon

part one part two

“I just didn't feel like you were ready for a relationship. You still aren’t.”, He said. “Not ‘cause you’re a bad girlfriend, it's because you’re so bad to yourself.”

After the party, you decided to message Jungkook and ask him to come over to talk things through, since there was too much between you unanswered. Now that’s exactly what you’d been doing for the past 15 minutes.

You admired his honesty even though it hurt you.

You were about to open your mouth, but Jungkook made a hand motion to let you know he wasn’t finished talking.

“Do you know how I felt when you always looked down on yourself, always picking fights because you’re too damn insecure to realize that I was only looking at you?”

You looked at him, wondering if he was expecting you to answer so you just shook your head no. You didn’t know how he felt.

Throughout the entire timeline of your relationship, he hadn’t even tried to tell you he was feeling like this once.

Jungkook sighed, clearly not trying to hurt you with what was going to come. “It just made you hard to love. I didn't feel fully loved in our relationship, because if you had so many issues loving yourself, how were you supposed to love me?”

Realizing you’ve never thought about it in that way, you made an astounding facial expression, before finally talking. “But we aren't the same, Jungkook. You’re so easy to love. But I’m not. I’m flawed and I don't think I deserve to have you in any way. Please don’t think I never loved you. It hurts me.”

He jabbed his cheek with his tongue and gazed at you in disbelief. “You missed my point. I’m telling you, you shouldn't be looking for a relationship if you can’t love yourself first.”

Now you were getting a little irritated at him. “Well, that’s easier said than done. You don’t understand what it feels like having people constantly body shame you and having a conventionally attractive partner and people telling you you’re too ugly for them, you don’t deserve them. You don’t get it, because you are the attractive one in the relationship.”

With his clenched jaw and the tightened expression on his face, you knew Jungkook wasn’t having it. “Oh, you know that’s a typical move for you, yn. You love victimizing yourself and being blind to your own faults, acting like everybody else around is doing everything wrong when you don’t even let them express their honest feelings to you. You’re unbearable to talk to, you know that?”

“Of course, I am. Because I’m confessing my fears and my vulnerability to you it’s hard talking to me, right? Like I didn’t spend a total of like what, a year? listening to your sob stories about your childhood trauma and your daddy issues and your drug problems and I didn’t even say a thing about it. I never complained.”, you hollered at him, unfortunately, your anger was getting the best of you.

You were aware of the fact that you shouldn’t have mentioned your ex-boyfriend’s childhood, let alone his unhealthy relationship with drugs. You knew it was his weak spot, but you did it out of anger, you couldn’t control it.

You remembered the first time Jungkook teared up in front of you while talking about how his father mistreated and abuse him and his mum and how he started abusing drugs at the age of 16.

“Jungkook..”, you moved closer to him after noticing his silence, trying to put a hand over his shoulder. He rejected you by shaking your hand off.

“Nah, don’t ‘Jungkook’ me, you know what you did, don’t try blaming it on the fact that you’re mad at me right now.”, He hissed with flaring nostrils. “That’s what you’ve been wanting to tell me ever since I opened up to you, don’t lie.”

You felt deeply ashamed of the fact that you were getting aroused at the side of this messed-up Jungkook who was standing right in front of you.

Despite your arousal, your ex-boyfriend’s statement had hurt your feelings. You didn't want him thinking that of you, you wanted him to know you supported him and wanted to be his shoulder to cry on. For him to know he could always call you.

“Jungkook, that's not true at all”, your voice softened and you sat yourself on one of his thick thighs, gently taking his face into your hands. “You know I love you and I’m just frustrated, that’s the only reason why I said that. You can talk to me about anything.”

You started to lightly grind against his thigh, contemplating whether you wanted him to notice or you didn’t.

Jungkook started chuckling as he felt your pulse on his thigh. “You know sex isn't gonna solve all of our problems, right?”

His demeanor always changed when he'd notice you were needy. One thing about your relationship you never complained about was your sex life.

“I know, but it would solve a lot of them right now”, you breathed out, grabbing a handful of his dick, making him hiss.

“I don't think you deserve dick after what you said.”, Jungkook looked at you with a serious gaze. “Stand up.”

You were confused at his sudden demand but obeyed regardless.

“Now lay on my lap, facing down.”, He demanded again and you did as he said.

Not knowing what was going to happen, you were just all up in his lap, trying to figure out what he was going to do. Your hair was wild as it went in all directions, while you were bent over.

Before you knew it, a firm hand was applied to your backside, giving it an unexpected slap. “I think you've been getting a little brave these days, hm?”

“Wha.. what do you mean?”, you sounded like you were gasping for air.

“Already outta breath when I barely touched you, huh?”, he chuckled at your desperate state before dragging his big hand along your ass cheek, teasing you before applying pressure and spanking it, causing it to jiggle. You loudly groaned at that.

“Shush, you’re lucky I’m only using my hand and not this belt.”, Jungkook said with a daring stare.

Your face felt flush and the burn you felt on your ass started getting pleasurable. You wondered what you looked like to Jungkook, bent over his knees like that. His spanks were getting heavier with every passing one.

“Jungkook, it hurts so bad”, you whined to him, your face burning.

He inhaled sharply and you assumed he was mad at you. “Didn't I tell you to shut up? Look at me.”

You turned your head to him, sitting on one of his thighs, which caused your ass to burn even more. Jungkook then cupped your cheeks rather harshly, collected enough saliva in his mouth, and spat on your face.

You bit back a moan, slightly startled. Jungkook always wanted sex to be as messy as possible.

He finally took off his shirt, revealing the tattoos that you loved so much. You started touching them, but Jungkook slapped your hand away and smacked you across your face.

You felt overheated by the intensity, also releasing yourself from your shirt, your black lace bra, and your tits spilling out of it. Jungkook thought it was a beautiful sight.

“I hate you”, you whispered stilly, feeling hazy.

Jungkook chuckled darkly. “Sweetheart, you might wanna speak up. Say that again for me.”

“I hate you for always making me feel like shit.”, you said dizzily as you adjusted yourself on his lap. He held your body effortlessly like you were a feather’s weight.

You started making out sloppily, not without him letting out small moans into your mouth that directly sent waves of arousal through your body.

“I hate you for always starting arguments and playing the victim.”, He breathed out between kisses, hands resting on your ass.

“I hate you for replacing me with that model when you know damn well where you belong.”

The make-out session became more intense with every second.

“I fucking hate you for thinking everything I do is to hurt you.”, he growled against your mouth, making a moan leave your mouth.

“Well, I fucking hate you f-“, you were about to come back at him, but he breathlessly interrupted.

“Shut up”, he groaned into your ear before shoving a hand between your legs and rubbing you.

The frustration in your body built up. “Jungkook, I need you..”

“Where do you need me?”, teasingly, he took his hands away from your pussy. “C’mon, use your big girl words.”

“Inside...”, you felt too dazed to complete a sentence. Jungkook’s hard dick under you was just adding to your frustration.

Before you knew it, he pushed your back onto the bed and ran his hands through his longer black hair before undoing the buttons on his black jeans and taking them off along with the shorts, and leaning forward to kiss you, his strong arms flexing as he did.

He lifted you up and you hook your legs around his small waist, still kissing him. He ran his tongue over your lips after biting them.

After gently throwing you onto the bed, Jungkook laid back and sat you down on his stomach.

You moved southwards and sank down onto his dick, moving back and forth, Jungkook watching his dick disappear into your body. To enhance things, he pulled your hips down a little harder.

Your heavy breathing and the occasional moans that left both of your mouths spread throughout the whole dorm. The pleasure was so intense, you couldn’t talk anymore. You were digging your long nails into his broad shoulders and his back. You were sure it left marks, but you couldn’t care to think about it.

Jungkook leaned in for another kiss, brushing your lips together and sucking your bottom lip into his mouth. “Fuuck, I missed this.”

You kept on going back and forth and bouncing up and down on his dick. The two of you were out of breath.

His dick was buried deep inside of you as he thrusted in and out of your pussy, your hips met and you dug your nails in his back, losing your rhythm as both of your climaxes approached.

Hips stuttering as he fucked into you while your vision faded into black, time slowed just like his thrusts.

“Shit, I’m gonna cum.”, Jungkook warned beforehand in a grunt.

You nodded, indicating you’re cumming too. “Cum inside.”

He initiated eye contact with you to make sure you weren’t just saying that. You nodded.

Your eyes rolled back as you felt his warm liquid enter your body and fire pooling low in your abdomen from your own orgasm.

Positioning yourself on the bed, you stayed there with Jungkook in pleasant silence for a bit.

After a minute or two, the both of you had the energy to stand up again. You freshened up, then made your way to your bed, not before changing the sheets, of course.

Jungkook was in the bathroom for a few minutes, later then got out only wearing his shorts, leaving the rest of his clothes on your pile of dirty clothes you were gonna wash the next day.

“Goodnight.”, Jungkook pressed a loving kiss to your forehead, before jumping into the bed with you, covering his body with the blanket and scooping closer to you.

“You aren’t leaving?”, you tiredly croaked at him with big eyes to which he shook his head no and snuggled closer to you.

Your heart fluttered more with every second that passed. “Goodnight, Jungkook.”

You knew that once you’d wake up and once she’d see you with Jungkook, a loud, disappointed Jane will be heard through the whole apartment complex. But you were too tired to care.

And lastly, when you fall onto the bed and peacefully fall asleep in his strong arms, you weren’t bothered by what's to come.

And so, the cycle continues.

_

taglist: @taeisbae13 @queenmasterxx @jkbangtan7 @jenotation @complicatedjules @gee-nee @tokyorm @yoonievrse @ggukkieland @laurynne5 @miinoongi @kb-bangtanenthusiast @1-in-abillion @sarcasmflowsinmyveins @madygswich @chieftoadturkeynickel @pjmnoir

Thank you everybody for your support. I’m sorry it took such a long time but i got school and stuff. I thought it’d give jungkook at least one redeeming quality so this part wasn’t so depressing. Hope yall like it🖤🖤

[rosedhall]

do you have any thoughts abt jaya?

Okay, so initial preface is that I don't actually really care deeply about how anyone else chooses to portray this relationship, these are just my own thoughts and how I like to interpret or present the two of them, specifically romantically in this context. If you have a different way of doing so, that's cool, I'm just very into overthinking dynamics and it doesn't really to bother me what other people do with them- so take this as my own thoughts in portrayal; alright epic.

I want to start off with the inevitable: "fixing/saving" Jimmy as a dynamic and inadvertently woobifying him is one of those things that generally causes me a bit of distaste in some presentation of these two, but I do think it's key to note that it's a trope I'm not particularly keen to fall into personally so this may originate from a preference. Let's be frank in that Jimmy has issues, issues that extend beyond even his demonic possession. The man is not very stable; he's pushy, unnerving, overtly a bit of a leer, manic and socially illiterate (I am too because I'm autistic, but it becomes an issue when you're making women feel unsafe with it and Maya evidently), they're traits which make him a fucking brilliant character but in equal measure a demanding person. And I feel removing those aspects to fit in the ship does Huld's performance and Tim's writing a disservice, equally, utilising Maya as a tool to alter him for the better is unfair in similar respects. I think Jimmy is at his most fun when he is making people feel uncomfortable; do you see how quickly people get endeared to him within the first cutscene? It's grand characterisation.

Maya is her own character too, with her own ambitions, and reducing her down to a trope wherein she has to help a man capable of seeking therapy himself but refusing to do as much is kind of unfair to her, it goes into some places which causes issues and is kind of ooc - given that she explicitly chooses to leave given the option: because of course she would, poor woman. If you wanted to touch on the flaws of that sort of "saving" story then I completely respect it but uncritically only having Maya about to be an untrained support system feels inadequate to her character potential to me: obviously partners help each other, but your partner isn't your therapist and that could and should be discussed with this sort of relationship. If you're writing Jimmy as manipulative in regards to him leaning in on the "you can fix me" narrative, I think that goes hard and acts as a sound criticism if you have dramatic irony running alongside it y'know. I think Maya is great in that she CAN help with the possession, she's a medium, but even Huld has mentioned that Jimmy's problems run wayy deeper and they have to be touched on.

I think it's why I am kind of partial to: "Jimmy Hall's weird crush on poor Maya, who is trying to get a degree, dammit" as a dynamic, specifically.

Stripping Maya of autonomy kind of goes hand-in-hand with the previous issue, I have with some presentations or interpretations of Maya as this immediately smitten... almost personality void who serves to be an object to be fawned over or someone to fawn over Jimmy. She has her own problems, she's blunt and kind of apathetic - presumably because she's been seeing dead people and channelling their memories for fuck knows how long, which must take a mental toll. Her own problems have never seemed as touched upon by the fandom, which sucks, I think there's potential there - hell, maybe it could serve as a point to flip the "woman fixes broken man" trope on its head and portray how Jimmy could help her with the turmoil of seeing dead people constantly, could be a fun Jaya prospect for those who ar interested in promts. Maya and her character are just as important in this ship and I think it should be touched on more in mutual presentations of it.

I can seen Jaya or whatever as one-sided particularly, given that it's essentially canon, although it's unknown if that stems from whatever is possessing him or Jimmy himself. But in equal parts, if you can find a way to mellow Jimmy to a state where he wouldn't be detrimental to Maya whilst keeping him bizarre then I completely fuck with the concept.

How I would portray it in a mutual way is kind of an interesting question... I think it's important for Jimmy to have some semblance of stability because Maya's smart enough to keep clear of him when he's behaving tumultuously. Like I said above, I don't want Maya to have this " obligation " to save Jimmy because it's not her job and she's her own person. I think there's potential to be explored in how they can assist each other without encroaching on the obsession Jimmy displays in-game.

As for if I " ship " it, I don't know if that's the best term for me to use? I like the dynamic but it's hardly typical and I am not keen on the prospect of losing the disconcerting aspect of their relationship or lack thereof as it's what makes it so unique and fun to explore. I think I do, but not in the typical manner, I don't want to alter the characters so much to just produce a sappy ship which doesn't have a parallel in-canon (hey, that's what I use Roseharvey for lmao - simplifying of course, this ask isn't about that ship). I love the characters and therefore I love portrayals of the ship which amplify their quirks, flaws and of course some of their positive traits, and the potential issues that arise from having the both of them in a romantic relationship, I feel like glossing over the obvious pitfalls a relationship like that may have only does the characters a disservice, so if I were to present Jaya in a mutual or even one-sided manner I would always feel inclined to tackle them first. Of course do whatever you please and take my opinion as just that.

I don't particularly have a closing statement, so take this rambling as you will *peace sign*.

[theboywantscoffee]

The Handler is really a fascinating character to me as is her dynamic with Five and how alike they are. Get ready because I’m gonna go on a tangent about them.

I think it goes without saying that in many ways The Handler and Five are very similar people. They’re both pragmatic, goal orientated, cold, and quite simply, both willing to do absolutely anything needed to achieve what they want despite the repercussions others might face at their expense. They both lack a significant level of humanity, something that clearly is a requirement  to be able to do the work they do/did at the Commission. They are constantly at a battle of wits  and attempting to one up the other, both proving to be a formidable foil to the other consistently throughout the show. 

Where things start to contrast between the two is how they grew to be the people they are now. With Five, well, we know why he is the way he is. Five isn’t simply just a product of his childhood. Yes, he still retains a good level of characteristics from his youth into adulthood (arrogant, brash, sees himself as better than everyone else) but Five ultimately was sculpted into the man he is today due to his time subjected to the apocalypse and then shortly after, the Commission. 

The apocalypse did a number on Five. It isolated him for over four decades. It tore layer after layer of humanity away from him until he was left so distanced from other people that segueing into becoming an assassin was like second nature. It forced him to become entirely dependent on himself for survival in every aspect of the word. Physically, of course, he had to take care of all his basic survival needs; food, water, shelter, first aid, etc. Mentally and emotionally? He created a whole ‘nother person in the form of a mannequin to help him retain any semblance of either of those things. It damaged Five so deeply that afterwards he was left almost entirely incapable of empathy (key word, almost), unable to ask others for help/acknowledge he needs help, and able to see assassination as a reasonable means to justify an end. 

Five was left broken by the apocalypse. He is a product of it. And after going through that traumatic ordeal, he was offered a way out but only through accepting employment at the organization that sat by and allowed his suffering to go on for decades. (I’d love to go into the body modifications/DNA manipulation but that isn’t canon compliant for the show anyway (yet) so I won’t). He was transformed into the perfect killing machine. He took the lives of anyone and everyone who stood out of line by the Commission’s standards. Many who I’m sure weren’t actually bad people (ex, Lila’s parents), but because they were deemed irregularities in the timeline (or they were someone who The Handler could benefit from their death, ex Lila’s parents), they had to go. One doesn’t complete a task like that regularly without lacking a level of morality or connection to fellow humankind. 

But The Handler? We don’t really know her back story at all, so perhaps this is going out on a limb here, but I can at the very least say that she did not go through what Five did. There is really no one in the series whose backstory can equate to Five’s. And while I am not entirely excusing Five for being a shitty person sometimes, he and The Handler are very different in the fact that while he was sculpted into one, I think The Handler was just born an awful, monstrous human being. Actually worse than Five. And you know why?

The Handler isn’t even capable of love or empathy or putting anyone else before herself. We don’t see this at all, not even once. The Handler does things strictly for the benefit of herself and no one else. Even when her own self proclaimed daughter asks her if she ever loved her, The Handler doesn’t answer and then proceeds to murder her. Que sera, sera. (Whatever will be, will be). No remorse. No regret. Nothing.

Five, for all of his faults and flaws and uh, murder, still remains more connected to humanity than The Handler. Despite everything he has experienced, everything he has lost, he still has an inkling of heart that’s still beating for others left in him. Because Five still does love and care for people - his entire life purpose is to keep those people, his family, safe and alive, even at the expense of his own happiness and life. Five puts his family before himself every episode, every damn step of the way. He survives 40+ years alone and then works as an assassin for an unspoken measurement of time, all to save his family. 

The Handler throws up the front of being a people person and charming. And she does it really damn well. But in reality she is not morally gray. She doesn’t do some good things and some awful things. She is just all around horrible. She employs Five, again, to work for the organization that tore so much away from him. She dangles the idea of a new body before him, gives him a suit with the claim, “clothing make the man, Five,” as if he isn’t something to be taken seriously in his current physical state, as if he still isn’t the man who survived a lifetime in the end of the world and becoming an assassin. She claims that Five owes her because she ‘saved him from a lifetime of being alone’, which in actuality she watched and allowed him to suffer exactly just that. (I have another meta on here about that scene in particular, which you can read HERE). She tricks Five into murdering the board so she can assume power, all under the guise of claiming to help him get his family back to 2019, only to then use him as a scapegoat in their assassination. She literally kills him (almost) and all of his siblings. She writes the kill order on Lila’s parents, lets Five kill them, and then kidnaps Lila all for her own benefit. She continuously lies to her, ultimately betrays her, and kills her too. She sees zero wrongness in kidnapping a disabled boy from his mother so she can transform him into her weapon just like she did Lila. There isn’t a single instance in the entirety of the show where The Handler shows even an ounce of regret, only shock and anger when things don’t go her way. She is power hungry, merciless, and quite possibly even deranged with how unemotive she is towards other human beings.

And one more thing I want to touch on with The Handler that is a bit of a controversial topic in the show - her handsey-ness with Five. Her unnecessary touching and closeness. I am a firm non believer of the idea many have that her and Five used to be involved romantically or physically in any way. I think it’s quite a reach to imagine Five trusting her whatsoever at any point during their time knowing one another. Five is observant as hell and smart - I just can’t see him ever having an ounce of trust in her, especially with again, how she blatantly admits to him when they first meet that the Commission has been watching him for some time. So no, I don’t think her creepy touches with him have anything to do with a former fling (even if Kate or Aidan play into it that way or claim they might have in the past - sorry, headcanon not accepted lol). 

I view her behavior as demeaning. I see it as her being condescending towards him, like, “Oh, see how you betrayed me and now look at how you fucked up. Small and weak and nothing to be taken seriously.” She treats him like the tiny child he has physically become and she does it to make him feel inferior and like he has no control of the situation he is in or his life. It’s a slap in the face, a reminder of what he has done to himself because he left the Commission, and she does it because she knows how much it bothers him to be perceived that way. Everything she does and says around Five, she does to make him feel small. 

All in all, I really do love The Handler. Do I love that she played a larger role in season 2 than Carmichael? Absolutely not. I don’t love what her character did for the writing or the plot of the show and how it backburnered a lot of things. I think they missed out greatly on a character who was already a fascinating antagonist to Five (Carmichael). However, Kate Walsh is an absolute delight to watch on screen. Her and Aidan have great chemistry and play off one another very well and their scenes are certainly some of my most favorite to watch. I think The Handler is an amazing villain and keeping her as a female as opposed to a male Jon Hamm esque actor as they originally were intending to do was a great idea IMO. I love a female bad ass, even if she is a villain. I’m sad we won’t see more of her purely because she is so fun to watch (and her wardrobe is utter goals) but I’m definitely ready to move on to the next set of antagonists for our favorite dysfunctional family.

[heaven-in-a-wild-flower]

Crows Headcanon: Wesper Headcanon (Wylan Van Eck and Jesper Fahey)

If you’d rather read this and more Crows headcanons on ao3 here’s the link.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Previous Chapter (Chapter 5)

Chapter 6 (the chapters aren’t related and do not continue the story, each can be read separately)

Wylan

It was inevitable. Their first fight. Of course, they'd fight at some point, living together. It began as everything does, small and barely noticeable. There would be tiny squabbles about clothes strewn about in the room, trinkets never returned to their places. Then it grew and grew, never-ending poisonous vines wrapping around them, strangling them. They spent every moment apart thinking of flaws with the other and every moment together pointing it out.

Just this morning Jesper grumbled about being too warm when Wylan woke up wrapped around him in the morning (even in sleep, his body knows what it really wants, too bad his mind isn't as smart right now). And Wylan knew, he <i>knew</i> that Jesper probably meant nothing by it. But his mind immediately began spewing venom into his heart. <i>You will only ever be a burden. He says he loves you, but he's already tired of you. How much longer do you think he'll stay here when he could have anyone?</i> But he's stubborn and strong and, he refused to show his heart because what else is that but an invitation to stab? So he pulled away and said, "Fine, then. If it's such an inconvenience then I won't touch you at all." And he walked out of the room, tears stinging in his eyes.

Jesper

I know I messed up. I've been messing up constantly. All of this is so new to me. I didn't know it would be this difficult to stay with someone. I've shared so many beds but I've never before shared a room. I didn't realise that it would bother someone else that my clothes aren't always in the cupboard. At first, it frustrated me that he would find faults with me all the time. It reinforced those voices in my brain that told me that I'd never be enough. So I took out those frustrations the way I always have, in cards and drinks and coins.

For a while, it was fine. I thought I'd fixed it somehow. Then, he started noticing more money missing. And he was so so angry. What else did I expect from a bomb-maker, if not an explosive temper? I knew that it wasn't working. I knew it was wrong. I knew that it wasn't truly helping me at all. But it scared me, terrified me that he'd already noticed all the worst things about me, and had to be stuck with that all the time. I realised then that this wasn't going to last much longer. So I gave up. I stopped trying to fix anything between us and just continued to feed the fire. If this is going to end anyway, what was even the point? What would be the point of telling me to please stay, please let me stay? How could I even convince him? He'd seen the worst things, the darkness behind my flirtatious smiles. He's let me stay for months now, and he hates it. He hates <i>me</i>, here. What could I ever do about that?

Even this morning, I complained about being too warm when he'd wrapped his body around me. I'd just gotten up, and for a single moment, I'd forgotten. I'd forgotten that we'd gone from being lovers, loved, loving, to...fighting. I'd forgotten that every word would be taken as a bullet. He'd flinched away from me (it made my heart <i>hurt</i>) and snarled, "Fine, then. If it's such an inconvenience then I won't touch you at all." And he'd stormed out of the room.

I raised a hand automatically, about to stop him. But what could I say? I'd only ever been good at destroying things, not fixing them. So I dropped my hand and laid back on the bed, eyes closed to keep the tears in, not succeeding in the least.

Wylan

It got so bad that even Inej and Kaz began to notice. They'd visit from time to time, either for his help or Jesper's. And naturally, they felt the crackling tension in the air. They never said anything about it, but he could see them exchanging glances, communicating in that way that only they could. It reminded him of the way he and Jesper used to communicate. The gentle brushing of their hands, stray touches on the elbow or shoulder, and he had to stop and take a deep breath to clear the constriction in his lungs.

They were both so tired of fighting all the time that even that had stopped. He never thought he'd miss fighting, but he did. At least then, Jesper was paying attention to him, even if he was smirking thoughtlessly. But now, nothing. They simply avoided each other around the house. He'd enter the kitchen, and Jesper would walk out. Jesper would enter our bedroom, and he'd leave. Even at night, Jesper would stay out so late that they never went to bed together. They did still sleep in the same room, the same bed. They still had that, but he didn't know how much longer even that'd last. So when he inevitably woke up first every morning, he'd stare and stare and stare. He'd caress every inch of Jesper's brown skin that he could see, just with his eyes, hand itching to touch.

He made sure never to get close to him, knowing that he wouldn't be able to let him go. He'd latch onto him and hold on forever.

Jesper

The silence was so loud it was deafening. It made his hair stand on end. He hated this silence, but he also didn't know how to break it. It'd grown so huge, a looming monster growing between them, and he knew no way of vanquishing it. So he let it be. He let Wylan avoid his touch like he had something contagious, and he let him keep as much distance as he wanted, even as his heart shrivelled every time it happened.

The only way he now knew to protect his heart was to stay out of the house. He didn't think that he'd ever need to protect his heart from Wylan. He couldn't believe that this is what it'd come to.

He came home every night, skin chill from the wind outside, aching to sink into Wylan's warmth and knowing he wasn't allowed. So he stared and stared and stared and drank whatever warmth he could from those bright curls and freckled skin. And in his dreams, the only thing he saw, over and over again, were those azure eyes gazing at him like they once did, in love.

Kaz

He'd had enough. What now that they didn't have any problems those idiots decided to make some of their own? He would not let this stand, not a chance.

Inej

She knew that gleam in his eyes. He had a plan, and since it was Kaz's, it was expected that it'd be devious. But, she knew for once that it was with the best of intentions. So she listened attentively when he told her and smiled a tiny proud smile when he was done.

Wylan

It was an overcast evening, and he shivered as he made himself a cup of hot chocolate. Jesper was out, of course, doing whatever he did every day. He didn't know. How could he if they didn't talk anymore? So he took out his flute and tried to practice, tried to ignore his trembling hands. Suddenly there was a loud banging on the door. He dropped the flute and ran for it, only taking a second to check who it was. Inej.

He yanked open the door. She wouldn't bang it like that if there wasn't an emergency. She looked worried, eyebrows furrowed and eyes wide.

What's happened?" he asked.

"Jesper...he's missing," she said, suddenly wilting. His heart stopped.

"What?" he whispered, his voice breaking.

"Kaz needed him for a job, so I went to get him. I checked all his usual joints, and he wasn't there anywhere," she looked pitying now. She'd definitely noticed the way his skin grew paler. If even the Wraith couldn't find him, where could he be? What-what could've happened to him?

"But," she said and he perked up immediately, "we think we know who could've taken him."

It takes them half an hour to make a plan to rescue him, hoping desperately that they were going to the right place. Inej instructs him on which bombs they need, and they set off.

Jesper

It can't be true. It could not be true. Not again. Kaz just told him that one of his rivals had kidnapped Wylan. They were now waiting for him to come to them and demand the ransom. How could this have happened? Why Wylan? He hoped with all his heart that they were at least treating him well, knowing that that wasn't very likely. As they sat there, a fire burned in his belly. He felt hatred rise like a storm inside him. He would not be merciful with whoever had kidnapped Wylan.

He didn't understand how Kaz could just sit there, relaxed as though nothing had happened. No, he knew that maintaining a veneer of calmness would make it easier to negotiate with the kidnapper. But he still couldn't stop his fists from clenching and his jaw from tensing. He tried to breathe deeply, telling himself that the kidnapper wouldn't kill Wylan because that would get him nothing. Wylan would be okay. He had to be. He couldn't die. He couldn't die, with Jesper not able to recollect the last time he touched him, the last word he told him.

So they waited. Jesper grew more and more jittery, legs shaking and fingers tapping and fidgeting. Kaz somehow grew calmer and calmer, cane resting gently on his lap, utterly in his element, ready to do his part.

When the outer door slammed open, Jesper stood up abruptly, and Kaz gripped his cane tighter. The door opened and in came charging...

Wylan

Finally, they got through the gate, and the soldiers posted outside and entered an empty room. He didn't waste a second. The moment he noticed the other door in the room, he rushed at it, pushing it open. And there he was. He ran to Jesper and hugged him, holding on so so tightly. He was so relieved to find him that he didn't even wonder why Jesper wasn't tied up and gagged.

"You're okay, you're okay," he chanted, under his breath, still unwilling to let go of his sharpshooter. Jesper held him in return, nestling his head in Wylan's curls, speechless for once. After a few minutes, or seconds, or hours, or an eternity, he pulled back a little to see Jesper wide-eyed, looking at him like he was a ghost.

"I'm sorry," they both blurted out at once, and they laughed and sobbed at that.

"No, no, I should be the one to apologise. I'm so sorry for being such a mess. The clothes and my other things and the gambling. Oh, I knew I needed to stop, and I couldn't and then- and then-" Jesper babbled.

"No! Don't be sorry. I'll help you, we'll do it together. Okay? I'm sorry too. It was all so perfect, and it scared me. I was so scared that you'd leave that I nearly drove you to leave myself," he said, staring right into Jesper's eyes so he'd understand.

"Okay. But just so you know, I never would've left," Jesper tells him, looking back just as intensely.

"Okay. That's good," Wylan says, chuckling, suddenly embarrassed.

Jesper tilts his chin back up and gazing into his eyes the whole time, kisses him. Wylan responds ravenously, and well...it all works out. They remind the other that they love them, that they always have and always will. And when they realise what Kaz and Inej tricked them into, Wylan is outraged, and Jesper just laughs and laughs and laughs (Wylan then kisses him, hearing the laughs echo in his heart).

Next chapter (Chapter 7)

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[hellsbellschime]

I was wondering if you could do an analysis on Sansas and Daenerys interactions in 8x02?

Totes, because I think it’s an extremely interesting character interplay that needed more development and that was either actually rife with subtext and just written really poorly or it was just dumb. But while I wish there had been more development for literally everything in season 8, I think that the dynamic between Dany and Sansa needed far more room to breathe and grow given that their incredibly brief relationship is one of the main catalysts for the climax of the story. 

Jaime’s whole “trial” scene is one that I really wish we had been able to see the lead up to, because while the drama of starting off the episode with it is certainly compelling, I’d honestly really like to know how everyone even got to that point in the first place. Like, Dany is furious that Cersei has betrayed her and lied to her about her intentions... except how exactly does that square up to someone who came to a truce with their enemy and then immediately arrests them and puts them on trial when they actually follow through on their end of the bargain?

However, looking beyond that there is not just Dany vs. Sansa, it’s kind of Dany vs. Team Stark. Dany lays out all of the reasons why Jaime deserves to be punished and Sansa actually completely agrees with her and says she completely understands how she feels, but then Brienne speaks in Jaime’s defense and Sansa immediately agrees that Jaime should stay. Now as viewers we understand what Sansa is doing here, but I think that Dany does not. I think that this may be a sort of crucial moment for what happens later, because someone who is unfamiliar with Sansa but sees that she is popular among the Northerners might come to the easiest conclusion, which is that Sansa is easily manipulated, weak willed, or likes to agree with people and thus everyone kind of likes her even though she’s the type of person who shouldn’t really be seen as important or authoritative. 

But when Dany kind of ropes Jon into it I think it’s even more interesting, and once again could be an implication that she doesn’t understand people who put the interests of others before themselves. Because way back when Melisandre told Dany to invite Jon to Dragonstone, Tyrion tries to sell her on it by explaining that the Lannisters have treated the Starks even worse than they theoretically treated her, so they have even more reason to want to see their downfall. So I think she inquires about Jon’s thoughts expecting her to agree with him, because quite frankly it’s just not in her wheel house to put the needs of others before her own. But he winds up agreeing to let him stay, and she feels peer pressured into acquiescing when she really doesn’t want to. That really puts her on the back foot and makes her extremely uncomfortable because it’s something she never does, and it’s basically taking her whole fantasy of conquering Westeros and destroying her enemies and basically forces her to give it up for the sake of maintaining her own mystique. 

So she’s super pissed and Jorah talks her down, and while once again the show cuts away from shit that we actually need to see, it’s fair to assume that he said something along the lines of Sansa is Regina George and you’re currently Janis Ian, so you need to go talk to her and charm her into liking you and the rest of the Northerners will fall in line. So, Dany follows his advice and tries to actually talk to Sansa and to get her to see her as the Enlightened Despot she imagines herself to be. 

Frankly, the conversation between Sansa and Dany is extremely weird and vapid on the surface, but I think it makes sense within a certain context. Namely, that Sansa and Dany both have very clear preconceived notions about each other, however Sansa’s assumptions are generally correct while Dany’s assumptions are completely incorrect. 

Obviously at this point, Sansa isn’t being fooled by charm, and Dany unfortunately reveals herself to Sansa in completely unintentional ways that she doesn’t realize are actually really hurting Sansa’s perception of her. Dany is here to conquer Westeros and force the North into submission, and maybe I’m overestimating Sansa’s political genius here, but what I find extremely interesting is that Dany asks Sansa why they’re at odds with each other but she doesn’t answer. She waits for Dany to answer, and Dany’s answer frankly gives Sansa an enormous political and manipulative advantage by letting her know that she assumes Sansa would not like an invader with dragons and an army the size of a city because she’s jealous that Dany has her brother’s attention. 

And yes, of course, Sansa loves Jon and is likely extremely concerned, but I just cannot believe that Sansa is being genuine in this conversation. This is the woman who had to convince Jon to accept the inevitability of their baby brother dying because focusing on saving him was an existential threat to their family and the North. I cannot believe that she would have more issues with the potential safety and manipulation of her brother who was a king, Lord Commander, and survived with wildlings beyond the wall than she would over Rickon. Not to mention, the notion that at this very moment when the North is on the brink of destruction and everyone is facing down the apocalypse, but somehow Sansa is concerned about the person that Jon may or may not be smashing, is an incredibly condescending and childish assumption to make about her. 

However, Dany does seem to make that assumption. Dany’s whole impression of Sansa seems to initially be that she’s just a catty and frivolous girl, and she seems to think that assuring Sansa that her super cute new crush is the one who really has her wrapped around his finger is enough to reassure her that everything’s fine and that that’s enough for Sansa to accept Dany as queen. 

But then Sansa quickly flips the script and asks about Northern independence, which I honestly think was a mistake on her part. Dany initially saw Sansa just like Cersei and Joffrey and Tyrion and the Tyrells and every other person saw her, as just a superficial idiot who can be easily managed and bent to someone else’s will. I understand why Sansa would never want to play that game again, but it also left her in an enormously advantageous position, and letting Dany know that she was actually very politically minded was not the right move at that moment. But of course, because this is the season of constantly interrupted interesting conversations, as soon as the discussion turns political it’s interrupted. 

Now, what I think is very interesting about Dany is her desire to essentially acquire special people. She wants Tyrion, the “most brilliant man in the kingdoms”, to be her hand. She knows he’s exceptional, and she wants to basically own him. And she goes through the same thing with Jon. She perceives her feelings towards him as love, but I think she really knows nothing about him and just thinks that he’s extraordinary enough to be worthy of her and therefore they must be in love with each other. Dany sees herself as a person unlike any other, with no equal in existence or history, so when people fawn all over her or give her unquestioned loyalty it’s nothing more than what she expects, but when literally anyone seems to care about or respect someone more than they do her, she doesn’t understand it and often sees it as some kind of a betrayal. 

So when Theon shows up to fight for the Starks, she doesn’t necessarily seem mad, but she is clearly baffled, especially because she has already categorized Sansa as someone not special. If she thought Sansa were special or important enough to warrant her attention, Jorah wouldn’t have had to tell her to go try to be friends. But when Theon arrives and asks Sansa to fight for her, she doesn’t get it because in her mind Sansa is not worthy of that kind of devotion because she’s too ordinary, and the fact that someone is prioritizing Sansa over her right in front of her face really puts her off. And what seemingly makes this interchange dangerous is that Dany’s reaction to seeing this doesn’t seem to be a desire to actually understand where it stems from, but seems to result in the immediate conclusion that Sansa herself must be stopped (which is an idea that Dany toyed with in the season premiere as well, but I think it only solidified that idea for her further).

But I think that Sansa and Theon’s interaction here is obviously fascinating as well, both in relation to Dany and in general. Honestly, that kind of raw emotion and vulnerability is something that people in GoT rarely display around one another, and I can’t even think of another instance of Dany actually witnessing two people who genuinely love each other emotionally connect in that way. That’s not generally a way that she feels about a lot of people, and in her world, she is always the center of attention. So even if there are people in her orbit who love each other, she never really sees that. I actually think Emilia’s expression captures that perfectly as well, she both seems put off but unsure of how to react and borderline unsure of WTF it is that she’s actually seeing, because again, it’s pretty abnormal to see people be that emotionally open in public anyway and because it’s something that Dany is completely unaccustomed to seeing when it’s not directed towards her. 

And of course, for Sansa and Theon as a pair, it’s extremely heartwarming and emotional to see how deeply they care for one another, and it’s even more touching to realize how powerfully they have had to repress their own emotions for so long and that they have now gotten to the point where they’re so completely unashamed and completely lacking in self consciousness that they’re willing to be that raw no matter who’s looking. 

Overall, despite the massive flaws of season 8, I do have to say that the scenes between Dany and Sansa are some of my favorite and I wish we had gotten so much more out of them. I actually think the performance chemistry between Emilia and Sophie is better than nearly every other character that Dany was introduced to late in the game, and I think it was a huge mistake to not explore that more and to not fully clarify that these two literal queens are not bickering over a boy’s attention. 

[traumatized-motherfuckers]

CPTSD and Core Beliefs (Your lens, built on traumatic fuckery)

Alright, so you know I have this Patreon thing that I try to make worth your while in return for your economical help. One of the benefits is the good ole’ monthly ask me anything. And I love it. Because the questions are great. And they push me to dig into topics that I was procrastinating. This month’s AMA is a particularly good one! A question that needs to be addressed, anyways. So it’s perfect. Let’s aim for two birds with one stone.

Our good friend Cassie - you know her by now - asks, how do you identify core beliefs and start to change them? Which is a very simple and very complicated question.

  So, to take a step backwards, what she talkin’ bout?

  Well, one of the internal issues that complex trauma sufferers have to rectify is their belief system. Between our core beliefs and our inner critic, we have a lot going on in between our ears to keep us downtrodden and destitute.

  We’re talking about what I call Fucked Up Core Beliefs here… which are your trauma-born core beliefs. Again, called FUCBs because when you discover them, you’ll likely whisper to yourself, “wow, that’s actually really fucked up.” These sentiments are like the lenses that you surgically stitched onto your face several decades ago in response to your upbringing, as your little mammal brain tried to understand its place in the global hierarchy and how to be chill about it.

 The framework you built from your early development and beyond, that all information still filters through today - both on the way in and on the way out of your head. The words that stream through your brain consciously or subconsciously to shape the ways you appraise… everything. Yourself, your life, your past, your future, other people, and everything that happens in between.

  So, essentially, talking about the ways you interpret your existence and the collected pool of knowledge from where you make decisions, and therefore the ways you act. If this is starting to sound like a big deal - it is!

But it don’t come with a big flashing sign. The Challenge

These beliefs are challenging to figure out because:

  One, they were adapted early on in your life in an effort to understand the circumstances around you or directly downloaded from the sentiments expressed in your environment. When you were first establishing your perspective of the universe and trying to figure out how to navigate it based on the clues presented.

  Plus, the harder part is… because of the early adoption, you’ve already accepted the idea for so long that it doesn’t even seem like a “belief” to you - you’re not choosing it and it’s probably not apparent to you - it’s just the secret narrative running in your head that corrupts all later data. Not cognitive thoughts that you’re directing on purpose. You probably don’t have recollections of the time before you believed such and such to question what you believe - these ideas are solidified in your head with as much certainty as the alphabet.

  So, you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit as a function of the neglect and abuse you experienced, a way to explain the mistreatment to yourself from a young age… OR you might believe you’re a worthless piece of shit because mom, dad, sister, and society directly told you so. But either way, many years down the line, it’s difficult to pinpoint either of these originating factors as memories fade or to even question the validity of the thought… or to even notice the thought.

  Two, if your family of origin was always repeating the same sort of thoughts and you later associate with people who make you comfortable to be around (i.e. probably have some similar views of the world), you have nothing to compare your beliefs to.

  Your environment teaches you what’s normal. There’s no reference for what is and isn’t healthy, fair, or functional if everyone is drinking the same kool aid. And, unfortunately, in traumatic environments, folks seem to congregate around the fucked up beliefs to protect them with a mutual unspoken agreement. Accept the accepted narrative of the group or be outcast. The same story is replayed on repeat from all ends of your social circle, so why would you even begin to think there’s another way to look at things?

So, if mom, dad, cousin, uncle, grandma, neighbor, peer, teacher, and media are all telling you the same reality exists, how would you ever even begin to have the wherewithal to think otherwise? The thought probably never crosses your mind. The sky is blue, grass is green, and the world is a miserable place where everyone is trying to take advantage of you.

  Three, again, I cannot over-express how insidious, subtle, and generalized these things can be. Fucked up core beliefs affect how you see and process everything. Again, like lenses or an instagram filter permanently applied to your corneas. So, there’s not necessarily one life-effect linked to one-FUCB for easy detection or one event that will cause a clear-as-day defined belief to come shooting to the top of the pile. More like, you very slowly realize you have an unhealthy view or twenty about yourself and the world that have sorrrrrtof impacted every single area of your life now that you spend years considering it.

  Thinking you’re a worthless piece of shit, for instance, has led to you taking low-level jobs with chaotic schedules, living with an abusive partner, and settling for living in the same environment with the same behavioral patterns that you’ve known your entire life. It’s also allowed you to give up exercise, eating right, staying sober, and trying to make any life-improvements. Why bother spit polishing shit? And here you are, wondering why you feel awful about yourself and don’t enjoy anything you’ve created in your life.

  But. It’s not that simple to sort out, or else we would have done it already. You probably haven’t ever purposely considered how commonly this impression is operating below the surface of your actions. Realizing that the belief “I’m a worthless piece of shit who deserves nothing” and trying to change it would be like pulling out the wrong Janga block - everything it has been supporting suddenly comes tumbling down and you’re left with a real fucking mess to rebuild from the bottom up. And, to top it all off, no one ever even taught you how to create a sturdier structure in the first place.

  Fourthly, from some of my own learnings, I’ve come to the conclusion that the core belief, itself, doesn’t even have to present itself at any point to be making a difference in your life. They are so deeply ingrained in my brain that my thought center just naturally uses them as a jumping off point, without even directly touching on the words that might ping my brain as unusual. Just like we can subtly detect risks in our environment that set off our warning bells without ever creating a conscious thought to go with the arousal, I feel like I can apply a core belief to my world without ever noticing the accompanying stream of consciousness.

Sometimes I feel like fucked up core beliefs have become so accepted over time that they’re feelings more than cognitions. As if they’ve become so reflexive through repetition that you have muscle memory - an intuitive response that bypasses your logical brain recognition threshold and jumpstarts shittily-related thoughts… and those will actually register on your thinking scale. But at that point, you accept the novel-feeling thought and never note that it was actually spawned by a very old recording.

  Which is to say, you might have to work on identifying your fucked up core feelings before you can get to the thought deeply buried underneath. Taking a meta break from the episode to tell you, I’ve never thought about that so thoroughly before. But Fucked Up Core Feelings definitely sounds like a solid description of my world. I guess we also have FUCFs to go with our FUCBs from now on. Anyways.

  With all of this in mind, I’m sure you can start to see why these fucked up core beliefs are a big problem. Hell, if you’ve listened to this podcast for more than a few episodes, you’ve definitely heard that I’m still challenged by my own. Like, when I say that I’m freaking out because no one should listen to me and I feel like an imposter - I believe that I’m not good enough to share information with people. That I’m too flawed to even express myself. This is a problem for, say, podcasting. Or, living. And I have to fight it all the time.

  Long story short.

  Your core beliefs are sneaky, they can be comprehensive, and they are hardwired into your brain as your default system for analyzing everything on the planet. Again, kind of like looking for goggles strapped to your face, but in reality you had lasik surgery about 30 years ago.

  So, if you aren’t constantly on the lookout for core beliefs and actively working against your pre-programmed ways of assessing yourself and the world around you… they will get out of control, cause a fair amount of avoidance and defeat, and set you back several steps in your mental health management… plus, potentially your entire life, if you make any big decisions out of this unhealthy mindset. Which you will, because that’s how the brain works. I’m almost certain that you have some experience with this already.

If you ever think things like: The world is a dangerous placePeople are cruelI’m not good enough I’m not smart enoughI’m not enoughI’m brokenOther people don’t like meThere’s something wrong with my personalityI’m not allowed to… (live like others, have nice things, be happy)I’m not one of those people who… (has money, has good luck, gets what they want)Shit is just harder for meNothing ever works outLife is always hardI can’t.

Then you’ve had some fucked up core beliefs floating around in your head.

 These are some super broad ones for the sake of demonstration, so don’t disregard highly specific beliefs that might relate to your particular circumstances or upbringing.

  If you haven’t ever noticed yourself thinking these big shitty picture things… check again in all your deepest nooks and crannies. I think a lot of us TMFRs operate from some version of the narratives above - plus, much worse. Like I keep saying, these beliefs might not be in your conscious thoughts, so much as they’re directing the show from behind the curtain.

How do we pull it back? Discover the beliefs ........

Keep reading or listen up at t-mfrs.com

https://www.t-mfrs.com/podcast/episode/532f2b1c/core-beliefs

[into-crazy]

My own thoughts on Arthur Fleck/Joker with a female s/o with long hair

I had already done one of these with J, and I figured, why not do one with Artie! So as stated before, my hair is very long. These are just a few possibilities of how that would tie into being in a relationship with Arthur/Joker. I'm just trying to get back into my writing groove. Anyways, I hope you enjoy lovelies!💖💖

Things that happen/occur regularly..

To be clear, there is not one part of you that Arthur isn't infatuated with. He adores every single part of you. Anything you feel self-conscious about, he'll be sure to give extra attention to.

Got stretch marks? He will trail his fingertips- and sometimes his tongue during intimate moments- along those gorgeous lines. Any marks, moles, or freckles you despise? He'll tenderly kiss those beautiful marks that decorate your body. Have body rolls or feel like you're lacking in certain areas? He will lovingly caress, squeeze, and feel those wonderful parts of you. For what you see as flaws, Arthur sees as fine works of beauty.

Along with the many things he loves about you, he's definitely enamored with your hair. Which is rather quite long in length.

No matter what it is you are doing would he often find himself staring at your strands. Especially when you are combing and styling them. Any way you choose to wear your hair, he doesn't have a specific preference as he appreciates each look equally and individually.

He finds it fascinating how expressive your hair is when you wear it down, styled or not. It's as if it has a life of its own to accurately accommodate your moods.

How he can't help but slowly run his fingers through those wonderful locks. It took him a while to take it upon himself- with your assurance- to simply just do it without asking. So unsure, shy, and gentlemanly was he to always ask if it was okay. Even when you'd surely and patiently told him it was more than.

He's got long locks of his own. And it makes him feel good and loved when you lightly play with his strands. Twirling one of his chestnut curls around your finger or smoothing your hands through his hair and telling him how handsome he is. He had always longed to have someone he cares deeply for to give him that form of intimacy and for him to graciously return. Now, he has that and more with you in his life.

Arthur showers you with lots of compliments and heartfelt comments.

"Your hair's beautiful, my love." // "It's so long and soft." // "I really like that hairstyle, you look amazing. My lovely angel, you always do."

You find yourself blushing and smiling at his words. "Really? Thank you baby! I actually tried today, I'm glad you think so."

Your braids are very pretty to him. Watching you effortlessly maneuver your fingers to twist and weave the tresses into a thick bind, it never fails to captivate his eyes. He'll be extra careful when he runs his hand down the length to simply feel the smooth grooves. Even the simplest of braids he finds elegant on you.

Sometimes he'll even ask if he can braid it for you. Which you'd happily oblige. The first time he brought it up, he was nervous. It even shocked him when you asked if you could also do his. You braid little strands here and there on him, not all of his hair. Now, it's a relaxing activity you both like to do in the comfort of your home every once in a while.

There are times where your mane can be an absolute bother. You tend to get headaches when you put it up for long periods of time because it's just so heavy. Arthur catches on to that, and expresses his concern. He never wants you to be in any discomfort.

"Please love, let your hair down. I know it's bothering you." He'd even remove the hair tie from you himself. Able to ease his worried nerves when he finally hears that deep sigh escape your lips. With your eyes closed in contempt as you let him take care of you. "I don't know how you do it, y/n."

He admires your will of willing to deal with the hassles and fusses as a price for wanting to keep the length.

You both enjoy shampooing each other's hair in the shower. You can count on some really amazing scalp massages, because Arthur gives the best ones! And he loves when your nails gently scratch along his own scalp. At times it'll become a silent competition of trying to give the other the best massage.

Going into the transition of Joker, these things very much remain the same.

Bedhead moments..

Alright, so maybe Arthur's lied just a teeny, tiny bit before. His personal favorite way to see your hair is when it's like this, in its most natural state. You tend to sleep with your hair completely down, leaving your locks to sprawl freely along the pillows.

He couldn't get enough of how gorgeous you are in your slumber. Completely carefree in your upmost vulnerable and graceful state. When he was up before you or couldn't find sleep of his own would he lay there and admire you.

When you're cuddling, he'll bury his nose into the crook of your neck and inhale the scent of your conditioner. Your scent is completely intoxicating to him, it's the smell of home. Some nights where he found it difficult to rest, would he try to be lulled asleep breathing in your soothing essence.

Quite frequently will your strands accidentally get snagged under his arm or trapped under his weight.

"Ow! My hair-" You'd wince, clutching the ones that are trapped.

It'll take him a second to register what happened. When he does, the sweet man immediately lifts himself to release them and apologize. "Oh shit- I-I'm sorry! I didn't know your hair was right there."

Only for you to laugh softly and assure him it was okay. "It's alright baby. It was an accident, I know you didn't mean to."

Little NSFW..

Arthur's a very passionate man, especially when it comes to making love. So passionate and intimate is he, that even if you're having rougher sex or a quickie does he always make you feel loved.

Powerful is your love for one another, that making the other feel special comes naturally and right.

No matter what kind sexual activity you are doing would his hands be touching you in any wonderful way. Those warm and worn hands are constantly roaming over every inch of your body which he can access.

During your shared moments of passion would his fingers tangle into your hair to bring you closer to him. He does it with such tenderness. Badly does he need to have you as close as possible. To transfer the heat of your bodies, the rapid beating of your hearts through your chests, and the harmonic vibrations of your sweet moans.

Many of these things never change even after he makes the transition into Joker. After all, he still is your Arthur underneath the clown persona.

Though there are changes. Some of which are pretty drastic as he no longer holds back on anything. Which means he isn't afraid to voice what he wants, or take it rougher with you when you're both in the mood.

He will definitely tug your hair around a little firmer and more confidently when he's taking you. And he definitely loves it when you reciprocate.

Oh, and his greasepaint tends to get everywhere. So you can expect to have traces of his signature colors along your strands in various spots.