#which is when I will finish second chapter

[doiliedaze]

The Jewel of the Sea

Warnings: Sevika kidnaps reader, age gap (reader is 25 and Sevika is around her early 40s), reader is chaotic, enemies to lovers, mean Sev for a while, y’all threaten each other a lot and both have hit each other, Sevika kills someone, reader almost dies, another awkward fight scene, virgin reader, reader cums fast because that’s normal for a first time (so is taking a second), reader has blood on her when they have sex, praise, check-ups, reader gets eaten out, tribbing, I think that’s it LMAOOOO

Genre: fluff, angst, smut

A/N: im so excited for this fic and will be expanding on pirate Sevika!! They are so soft to me like I love them together!! Thank you all for your support I get so happy seeing you all and talking to you guys ʕ̡̢̡⌯͒•ɷ•⌯͒ʔ̢̡̢ this is long asf omg and I wasn’t gonna make it a series cause I can’t have another series rn lol

Translations- priya = darling, jaanu = my life

I researched that her name has Hindi, Sanskrit origins so I thought this would be a cute way to tie her culture in.

───────┈ · ·

Tonight is the night you’ve been raised for, tonight you become queen. The day was going as planned. Flowers here, knights there, it was almost out of a fairytale. You knew this was too good to be true. You’ve been known for your intuition, it’s why your parents put you before your older sister. Whom holds no resentment towards you only a sadness that you couldn’t pursue your own dreams.

Since you were little you’ve adored the ocean, often thinking in another life you were a mermaid. Admiring the idea of protecting the ocean and it’s creatures somewhat like how you saw your mother care for her people. To swim as free as your sister rode. To sing an enchanting song to defeat enemies as your father cut others with his words.

You often reminisce on the idea and in your opinion it helps you be a better princess. Your thoughts were interrupted as your seamstress finish the last lace detail on you coronation dress. You step off the box to admire yourself stuck in utter awe.

Time passes as you wait behind that humongous door, the door that’ll start the new chapter in your 25 years. The love your family expressed to you unmistakable. As soon as you were alone you felt odd? Almost on edge…

You kept your eyes peeled, and shrugged it off as nerves. The thing about intuition is, it’ll work for you if you work with it.

Ignoring the churn in your stomach you walk as you hear the cue of the violins. As soon as the door opens, chaos is afoot!

Your eyes can’t focus on anything as you look for your family whom are nowhere to be found! Panic is settling into you as you try to create a plan. You see a discarded sword and pick it up awkwardly clutching it, you were always better with archery.

Running through the crowd not sure how to help or what to do your eyes settle on her.

She’s looks like she’d tower over you and hunt you down. You notice her scars and her mechanical arm. Her light smirk and her piercing gaze. It’s like the confusion in the crowd didn’t matter because she was steadily stalking towards you. You’ve heard of her before, she’s known for what she does and how she gets away with it.

Prey in a predators radar is exactly what you were, but you had a choice to fight or flee. You choose to flee as it’ll be you advantage. You know this castle and it doesn’t matter how many times they could’ve mapped it out this is your home.

Clutching the sword you run through the doors and into the hallway. Your main focus is making it to your crawl space which will take you to the gardens. As soon as you got close enough, the knob a fingertip away a sturdy hand grabs your waist and pushes you to the floor. Your sword drops as you try to brace your fall. Not ready to give in despite the pain in your body, you kick at her.

She laughs, how dare she mock you?

To make sure you stay still so her crew could make a swift escape she knocks you out with a cloth.

In almost an instance you went from queen to be, to hostage.

In a haze you wake up in a strange room, it looks to be a office with a makeshift bedroom area? You grip the sheets as you sit up eyes taking in the decor. Treasure here and there, maps neatly tucked away. Slowly you get up feeling that you are without your corset. Heat runs to your face but you push that aside as you look for a weapon.

Gathering courage you go out into the deck looking for her. That brute that took you from your home! The sun was blinding as and the smell of the sea was consuming but you saw her.

You storm up to her despite the laughs from her crew that quite when you dawn the knife you found.

Her express has yet to change from that smug satisfaction.

“Take me home, I demand it!” You yell pointing the knife at her face.

“Careful princess you might hurt yourself.” She laughs, oh what you’d give to rip that laugh out of her throat.

Before you could protest further she grabs then squeezes your wrist disarming you. You squirm as she slings you over her shoulder and makes her way back to her room.

Softly she places you on the bed and closes the door. “You’ll be staying in my quarters.” She states as she gives you space.

“Take me home!”

“I know you aren’t deaf.” She snorts

“You must be dumb because I refuse to stay on this ship!” With that she gets in your face, “you’ll mind how you talk to me.”

Anger rising in you, you spit on her square in her face.

Keeping her composure she steps back and wipes her face.

“I understand this isn’t ideal but you’ll get use to it.”

“Wow an understanding pirate how lucky am I!” You say with an eye roll.

“I took you because of your looks but you’ll stay because of that mouth.”

Being as bull headed as you are, you get off the bed and walk up to her.

“I will be going home with your permission or not!” You keep your voice steady and clear.

Swiftly she pushes you up against the nearest wall. Her breath ghosting your neck. Her thick fingers playing with the lace on the bust of your dress. “Don’t push me princess, you aren’t the first pretty thing I’ve thrown overboard.”

Fear churning in your stomach you whimper softly, pulling a wolf like grin out of her.

“You like that pretty thing? Being threatened is that what gets ya goin’.” Softly she tugs on your dress revealing more of your plush breast.

Your chest heaves as no one has seen you like this. “You are a degenerate.” You state avoiding eye contact. “Sometimes” she states as she moves her flesh hand to pull a stray coil. You swat at her hand and she moves, “get some rest you’ll need it for tomorrow princess.”

Defeated and highly flustered you lay in the bed and give your mind to your dreams.

Your nights use to end with you going to sleep alone and you waking up alone until one night. Sevika was charting at her desk and you were reading on the bed. When she assumed you were getting sleepy she packed up to leave but you broke the silence. “Stay…please.”

She gave you an expression you couldn’t read but she obliged. She puts her things down and lays next to you. “Trouble sleeping?”

“Before this I’ve never slept on a ship before…it’s different.”

“It’s not that bad once you get used to it.” She awkwardly slide her fingers into yours. Obvious she hasn’t done this before. You put your pride to the side and nuzzle into her. “I had a bear…I can’t sleep without her so…” with that she just squeezes you close, embracing you. Being able to relax you inhale until you drift off to sleep.

The next months were a blur as you roam the ship endlessly. You were peering out at sea when you smell her behind you. That strong scent of wood burned into your senses.

“What’s occupying your mind priya?” Her rough hand softly touching your shoulder.

Priya…you still don’t know what it means but it’s nice to hear, better than a condescending princess or pretty thing.

Over these last few months you’ve learn to tolerate her. You two still argue like there’s no tomorrow but you grew to worry when she would stress and you’d help keep order. You saw how she’d grow to worry when you couldn’t sleep or if you’d stare off too long, wanting this to be a home for you how this has been a home to her crew.

“I want to go home.” You sigh leaning forward, gripping the ledge.

“You are home.” Sevika states coldly, “ I don’t understand why this isn’t enough for you?”

“Why being a hostage isn’t enough for me?”

“Hostages don’t get freedom or new clothes you choose to stay on the boat when we dock!”

“I refuse to be seen with you!” You shout turning to face her. The hurt in her eyes are evident but she pushes it down, “this is what I get for protecting a brat!”

“You aren’t protecting me at all! I told you I’m going home with or without you!”

“How would you suppose you’d get home princess?” She cocked her eyebrow and spoke with venom.

Irritated and wanting to prove your point you look around and it dawns on you, you are an amazing swimmer.

Without warning you hoist yourself over the ledge and fall into the ocean. The water was cool but not unbearable.

You sink down trying to gain cover with the bubbles of your submersion but it wouldn’t matter because Sevika jumped in after you.

Concerned more than angry she swims to you and with a rope and the help of the crew the two of you are retrieved!

“Are you out of your fucking mind y/n! Do you not understand how you could’ve hurt yourself pulling a stunt like that?” She shouts not giving you a chance to catch your breath. The crew was quite, it’s a big divide whenever you two argue, Ran typically getting in the middle of it.

“Why can’t you understand you took me from my home and I don’t feel safe with you!”

Angrily she grabs your face squeezing just enough to leave a sting. “So all the nights I hold you and talk to you doesn’t make you feel safe?” You claw at her biceps as you feel tears well in your eyes.

“That’s enough Sevika I think she understands she’s wrong.” Ran states stepping closer.

Sevika can feel her stomach churn because she made you cry. “There’s nothing to see here go back to your stations!” She yells as she pushes you into Ran then left to her quarters.

With that you walk away and go to your spot. You like to sit on the front of the ship with her right hand Ran. They are sweet to you surprisingly and keep you updated on your kingdom. You’ve been presumed dead and your family is devastated but they have to move on.

“I don’t understand why she keeps me here, I refuse to help.” You sniffle and wipe your face.

“You’re entertaining to her I suppose.” Ran says with a shrug, “I don’t question her anymore she wouldn’t give me a straight answer at least when it comes to you.”

“Why’d you guys raid my castle in the first place?” You turn to face them.

Ran’s shoulder tense slightly. “Not sure if I should tell you honestly.”

“You’re the only person I can talk to Ran please!” You grab their hand.

“We were raiding your kingdom because we heard of a King getting ready to kill his heir and we wanted to goods before the drama settled in.” They avoided your eyes feeling a slight shame.

Dread seeps into your heart as their words repeat in your head “ a King getting ready to kill his heir.”

“No I…he wouldn’t!” You stand abruptly, “he loves me!”

“He was raising you for slaughter! Who makes their second in line the monarch? Look I know this is hard but you ever wondered why your family never truly went looking for you? We’re a notorious group and-”

Without another word you were running to Sevika.

When you enter the bedroom you find her frustrated at the desk writing in her journal.

“How may I help you princess?” She mutters without even looking at you, “he was trying to kill me?” You whisper as your voice shakes.

Sevika looks up at you not sure how she wants to respond. She’s never been good with emotions whether it’s hers or someone else’s. Sevika had to grow up in a world where she was the only person who cared about her. That’s why it was so easy to make the seas her home.

Slowly she opened her arms to you and you run over to her lap. In disbelief you sob on her mechanical shoulder. “Why would he do that to me?” You ask in broken breaths.

Sevika could feel her heart in her throat unsure how to respond. When she was younger she imagined having friends and having to comfort them but she never got there with anyone besides Ran and Ran isn’t a crier. So she pulls you closer and lays her head on yours. “If you didnt take me…do you think that would’ve been the day?”

“Priya I don’t know much…but I do know you get headaches after you cry so stop crying please.” She whispers as she wipes your tears. You try to even your breathes but you can’t. So there you sit in your accidental saviors embrace.

Ever since that day you’ve been attached to her hip. This life isn’t what you’d imagined but it’s yours. You often think back and try to see what you missed but it’s no use.

“Sev, whats your favorite thing about being a pirate besides killing people?” You ask as you two walk around a market. You feel like a true swashbuckler with your floppy hat, flowy fabrics and the gun Sevika taught you how to use.

“Watching my crew enjoying themselves.” She bites into an apple then hands it to me, “you all deserve nice things and that’s better than bloodshed…I guess.”

“Big ole’ softy…” you nudge your shoulder into her as you bite the apple.

“Don’t get use to it.” She mutters and you were going to tease back till you saw an amulet.

“Jaanu look!” You point but she stops, “what did you call me?” Her voice unsteady. “Jaanu? Oh I…well you call me priya so I wouldn’t to call you something sweet too…I don’t necessarily know what either means but I read it in one of your romance novels you like to hide.” You state this like it’s no big deal as you buy the golden amulet. Sevika can feel her face burning and her palms sweating. “Priya means darling and jaanu means my life.”

Stopping in the middle of a market is frowned upon as it slows the hustle and bustle of the environment but you could care less as you stare into her grey eyes. “Then here jaanu I want you to have this.”

You lean up on your tippy toes and clasp the amulet around her neck, “now you’ll always carry me with you.” With that you walk away to catch up with Ran but you look over your shoulder to see her lopsided smile.

You were too busy gushing to Ran about what happened that you weren’t watching your surroundings. You’re still getting use to being a pirate let alone an ex-royal. Technically people still want you dead so it was confusing when Ran tackles you!

Word got out about Sevika’s new lover and how she favors the beauty of a princess. There’s been more incidents at the docks lately but nothing this bold! Another crew mate covered you two as Ran and you prepared your guns.

Lost in the frenzy you got separated. You get a sense of deja-vú. A weapon in your hand you haven’t used on anyone before, fear churning in your stomach and your intuition screaming at you.

Sevika isn’t around to immediately safe you so you have to choose; fight or flight. You don’t need a repeat of what happened a year ago so you choose to gain cover and shoot.

Aim is sloppy but you hit enough people more to disarm them, not having the heart to kill anyone.

That’s when you feel a cold gun pressed to the back of your head. Panic is seeping into your body, what do you do in a situation like this? You aren’t savvy enough to fight them off.

You thought back to all the moments you made on the ship, how you just accepted this is your life. Now it’s getting taken away. You close your eyes thinking about how you wish to be in Sevika’s arms one more time, to tell her how you feel.

In an instance you hear a pop and you assume it was you but you feel a thick warm liquid flow down your shoulder. You look back and there she stood. Sevika always protecting you.

Quickly she rounded you and the crew up. “Are you hurt?” Sevika held your face, her grey eyes searching yours. Not wanting to waste another moment you kiss her.

You two fumble to your quarters, breathing heavily. She shakily takes your clothes off as she bites your neck. “Been wanting you for so long priya.”

“Take me then” you moan clawing at her clothes. Sevika pushes you down on the bed and pressed your things to your chest. Her thick tongue slowly licks and teases your cunt. “Jaanu please I want more” you mewl overwhelmed by the sensations.

“I’m going to take my time and you will listen. Now this might hurt for a second so breathe f’me.” She pushes one finger into you slowly and listens to your drawn out moan. “Feels good priya?”

“Fuck yes!” You moan as you bite your lip. Needing to do something with your hands you pull her hair. “Sevika more!”

“Can’t ever stop being a brat huh?” Always striving to make you happy she pushes another finger in. Her tongue wrapping around your clit, sucking harshly.

Broken moans is the only thing able to come from your throat as you cum into her mouth. “Are you okay, does anything hurt?”

“No more please” you whine although this position is hurting your thighs.

Sevika gently placed her bare cunt against yours and rubs. The satisfaction of that small amount of friction got you wet. “Fuck you feel so good” she moans into your ear.

“You make me feel so good” you lick the outer shell of her pierced ear causing a shiver to go down her spine.

Your hips grind up against hers and you feel yourself already on edge so you both slow down. The drawn out strokes had you both twitching and moaning. The mixture of your juices staining the sheets when y’all came.

Sevika leans her forehead against yours and says, “promise to sail the seas with me forever?”

“I do.”

───────┈ · ·

A/n: this is the longest fic I ever wrote and bitch I don’t wanna do this shit again🥹 in all seriousness I wanted to push myself and I can see the moodboard already!! I hope you all enjoyed this and criticisms is welcomed!!

Taglist: @manfuckthisimout @bambishaven @femme-historian

Dividers- @dollywons

[journeytothewestresearch]

To recap, Journey to the West casts the Tang Monk Tripitaka as the last incarnation of Master Golden Cicada (Jin Chanzi, 金蟬子), the second disciple of the Buddha who is exiled from paradise for falling asleep during his master's sermon. Chapter 81 adds a second crime: kicking something in his slumber and making a single grain of rice fall to the ground.

This leads me to the point of this post. A reader contacted me the other day asking if Sariputra (Sk: शारिपुत्र; Pali: Sariputta; Ch. Shelifu, 舍利弗), a historical disciple of the Buddha, was the basis for Master Golden Cicada since he was known for having a golden glow about him. A cursory search didn’t turn up anything connecting them, but thanks to the reader’s prompt, I kept digging and was interested to learn that another disciple of Tathagata, Aniruddha (Sk: अनुरुद्ध; Pali: Anuruddha; Ch: Analu, 阿那律) (fig. 1), was known to have fallen asleep during his master’s sermon.

According to monk Jiaoguang’s (交光, fl. 1600) Dafo Dingshou Lengyan Jing Zhengmai Shuxu (大佛頂首楞嚴經正脉疏序, T. 275): 

Analu [Aniruddha] then stood up, bowed at the Buddha’s feet, and said to him respectfully … [->-> Commentary:] Changshui [1] says: Nalu, namely Anouloutuo, which means “free of poverty,” was a Rice Prince. He gave a meal to a Solitary Buddha in a past life and enjoyed happiness for 91 Kalpas. … “When I first entered the monastic life, I was too fond of sleep. The Thus-Come-One admonished me, saying that I was no better than an animal. After the Buddha scolded me, I rebuked myself and wept. For seven days I did not sleep, and as a result I went blind in both eyes.” [->-> Commentary:] Gushan [2] says: According to the Ekottara Agama, the Buddha was preaching the Law in Jetavana when Nalu fell asleep. The Buddha spoke in verse: “Tut-tut … Why are you sleeping? River snails, mussels, clams and the like sleep for a thousand years, never hearing the names of Buddhas.” Thereupon, Nalu made it known that he would never sleep again, and he soon lost his sight. [3] 阿那律陀即從座起，頂禮佛足而白佛言： 長水曰：那律即阿㝹樓䭾，此云無貧，亦云如意，乃白飯王子也。過去世以一食施辟支，感九十一劫受如意樂。 我初出家，常樂睡眠，如來訶我為畜生類。我聞佛訶，啼泣自責，七日不眠，失其雙目。 孤山曰：增一阿含云：佛在給孤園為眾說法，那律於中眼睡，佛說偈訶云：咄咄何為睡？螺螄蚌蛤類，一睡一千年，不聞佛名字。那律於是達曉不眠，眼根便失。 (source)

The term “Rice Prince” (Bifan wangzi, 白飯王子) refers to the fact that Aniruddha was the cousin of the Buddha and fellow grandson of King Sihahanu, whose sons, including the Buddha’s father (as mentioned above), all had the suffix odana (“rice”) as part of their names. Aniruddha’s father was Amitodana (“Unmeasured Rice”) (Nakamura, 2000, vol. 1, p. 46; Harvey, 2013, p. 117; Thomas, 1931/2013, p. 24).

Therefore, we have a Buddhist disciple who dozes off during the Buddha’s sermon and has an association with rice. This makes Aniruddha the best possible influence for Master Golden Cicada that I’ve seen. The story goes back to at least the 4th-century Zengyi ahan jingxu (增壹阿含經序, T. 125), so it would have been around long enough to eventually influence Journey to the West. 

I need to point out, however, that I’m not the first person to write about this. While I was finishing typing this update, I came across this article, which mentions Aniruddha in passing. But to my credit, I actually cited the historical Buddhist literature involved.

Fig. 1 – A colored relief of the Buddha helping his blind disciple sew a new robe (larger version). Image found here.

Notes:

1) The monk Changshui (長水), a.k.a. Zixuan (子璿; 965-1038), was the compiler of the Shou lengyan yanyi shu zhu jing (首楞嚴義疏注經, T. 1799) (Sorenson, 2011, p. 39).

2) Gushan (孤山), a.k.a. Zhiyuan (智圓; 976-1022), wrote a commentary for the Shou lengyan jing shu (首楞嚴經疏) (McBride, 2016, pp. 144-145 n. 238).

3) The non-commentary sections come from Buddhist Text Translation Society & Hsuan (2012, p. 210). The translation of the commentary is mine.

Sources: Buddhist Text Translation Society & Hsuan, H. (2012). The Surangama Sutra: A New Translation with Excerpts from the Commentary by the Venerable Master Hsuan Hua. (n.p.): Buddhist Text Translation Society.

Harvey, P. (2013). Buddha, Family Of. In C. S. Prebish & D. Keown (Eds.), Encyclopedia of Buddhism (pp. 117-121). United Kingdom: Taylor & Francis.

McBride, R. D. (2016). Doctrine and Practice in Medieval Korean Buddhism: The Collected Works of Ŭich’ŏn. Germany: University of Hawaii Press.

Nakamura, H. (2000). Gotama Buddha: A Biography Based on the Most Reliable Texts (G. Sekimori, Trans.) (Vols. 1-2). Tokyo: Kosei Publishing Co.

Sorenson, H. H. (2011). Textual Material Relating to Esoteric Buddhism in China Outside the Taisho, vol. 18-21. In C. D. Orzech, H. H. Sorensen, & R. K. Payne (Eds.), Esoteric Buddhism and the Tantras in East Asia (pp. 37-70). Netherlands: Brill.

Thomas, E. J. (2013). The Life of Buddha. United Kingdom: Taylor & Francis. (Original work published 1931)

The Reason Why Golden Cicada was Banished from Heaven

Someone asked me a question about this fairly recently, but my answer appears to have been deleted. Anyway, I thought I would answer it again. In short, Master Golden Cicada (Jin chanzi, 金蟬子) fell asleep during the Buddha's sermon. But chapter 81 adds to the reason: accidentally kicking something and causing a single grain of rice to fall. This is explained while Tripitaka is deathly ill for a few days:

“You don’t realize that Master was the second disciple of our Buddha Tathagata, and originally he was called Elder Gold Cicada. Because he slighted the Law, he was fated to experience this great ordeal.” “Elder Brother,” said Eight Rules, […] “Why must he endure sickness [for two days] as well?” “You wouldn’t know about this,” replied Pilgrim. “Our old master fell asleep while listening to Buddha expounding the Law. As he slumped to one side, his left foot kicked down one grain of rice. That is why he is fated to suffer three days’ illness after he has arrived at the Region Below.” Horrified, Eight Rules said, “The way old Hog sprays and splatters things all over when he eats, I wonder how many years of illness I’d have to go through!” “Brother,” said Pilgrim, “you have no idea either that the Buddha is not that concerned with you and other creatures. But as people say: Rice stalks planted in noonday sun Take root as perspiration runs. Who knows of this food from the soil Each grain requires most bitter toil? Master still has one more day to go, but he’ll be better by tomorrow” (Wu & Yu, 2012, vol. 4, p. 82). 行者道：「獃子又胡說了，你不知道。師父是我佛如來第二個徒弟，原叫做金蟬長老，只因他輕慢佛法，該有這場大難。」八戒道：「哥啊，師父既是輕慢佛法，貶回東土，在是非海內，口舌場中，託化做人身，發願往西天拜佛求經，遇妖精就捆，逢魔頭就吊，受諸苦惱，也夠了，怎麼又叫他害病？」行者道：「你那裡曉得。老師父不曾聽佛講法，打了一個盹，往下一試，左腳屣了一粒米，下界來，該有這三日病。」八戒驚道：「像老豬吃東西潑潑撒撒的，也不知害多少年代病是。」行者道：「兄弟，佛不與你眾生為念，你又不知。人云：『鋤禾日當午，汗滴禾下土。誰知盤中餐，粒粒皆辛苦。』師父只今日一日，明日就好了。」

This points to the supreme importance of rice in an agrarian society like ancient China.

For more on Master Golden Cicada, see my previous article:

[callsign-rogueone]

house calls

Sawyer Henrick x reader (peach!)

words: 1.7k

🏷: set in the second half of iron flame. some soft moments in aretia with the gang before they head back to school. peach is a baby whisperer, sawyer is adorable, deep convo at the end, mentions of wildfire and mild peril (they both lived, clearly), made some more stuff up about sawyer’s family, teeny ridoc and sweetheart cameo, replacing jesinia with peach here kinda… more hints about peach’s relationship with the gods, I hope it’s not obvious that I’ve only seen snow twice and have never interacted with a baby, their next chapter will be the end of iron flame for them, including… that. (spicy chapter before this one tba!)

You aren’t expecting Ridoc to be the one to answer the door, but he offers you a grin nonetheless. “Hey, P!”

The rest of the squad turn their heads, waving from where they’re crowded into the living room, along with several riders and fliers you’ve never met.

“I was wondering where y’all ran off to,” you laugh. You stomp the snow out of your boots before you step inside, letting down the hood of your cloak. “It’s going to storm tonight, so I asked if I could go around and make some house calls before everyone gets snowed in. This is my last stop.”

Sawyer takes the giant basket you’re holding, offering his arm to hold onto as you take off your boots and set them in the heap by the door. “That’s new,” he manages, finally noticing your outfit.

“Major Aisereigh gave it to me. She said it’s a traditional Tyrrish dress. I think it’s the nicest thing I’ve ever owned,” you laugh, brushing off the skirt.

Sawyer continues to blink at you, taking it in. Nice is an understatement. It looks like it was tailor-made for you — a bodice that’s just the right amount of tight in the places that matter, strings tied in a bow behind your back to cinch around your waist before it melts into a long pleated skirt that ebbs and flows with each step you take, woven with a complex striped pattern. You’ve layered a white long sleeve underneath for warmth, but it could just as easily be worn without on a summer day to dance around in a field of wildflowers.

You’re covered from wrist to ankle, but you’ve never looked more beautiful as you do now, winter sunlight warming your skin, snowflakes melting in your eyelashes and the cold warming your cheeks.

“Say something,” Sliseag prods.

He finally finds words. “You look absolutely perfect in everything you wear, but this… this might be my favorite.”

“I think it’s mine, too. This beats those terrible robes any day. And it feels more… me than the rider’s uniform. Oh, hi!”

He clears his throat, making a hasty introduction. “This is Rhi’s sister, Raegan. Raegan, this is my girlfriend — she’s training as a healer.”

“Everyone just calls me peach,” you offer, extending a hand to shake. “And who’s this?”

“Lukas.”

“Hi, Lukas,” you coo. “You’re such a cutie. How old is he?”

“Just about six months.”

“Congratulations, both of you. How are you doing?”

“He made a good adjustment to the move, thankfully. But he’s teething now, which has been a struggle, especially at night. Neither of us are getting much sleep.”

“Oh, I bet,” you empathize. “My mom would suggest letting him chomp on a cold washcloth — but I’m sure Ridoc could set you up with plenty of clean snow for him to snack on.” You touch Sawyer’s elbow — he’s still lingering by your side. “Don’t let me distract you. And there’s snacks in there, if y’all want anything.”

————

When you finish up with Reagan and Lukas, Sawyer waves you over, half a cookie in hand. “How did you… These taste exactly like my mom’s.”

“I’m glad,” you laugh. “It’s her recipe.”

He looks at you like you’ve just told him that you genuinely believe that the earth is flat and the sky is just a blue bed sheet strung up to dry. “She gave it to you?”

You laugh. “Yes! We made them together, while you and the boys were out fixing the fence, and she wrote it all down for me. Said to hang on to it for the future when I had a household of my own.”

“Peach,” he says, way too seriously to still be still talking about cookies, “she’s never given anyone that recipe. Even my aunt doesn’t know it.” You don’t seem to understand the significance of this, but he certainly isn’t going to explain that his mother gave you the seal of approval to join the family.

“You Lucerans are weird,” Ridoc says, shaking his head, but not before he swipes a cookie out of the box.

“Take one for your girl, too,” you nudge quietly.

“I’m gonna break it in half,” he responds over his shoulder. “More romantic that way.”

You shake your head, amused. “That’s actually adorable.”

“It is,” Sawyer agrees. “Sometimes I wonder how he landed her, and then he does stuff like that.” There’s a soft silence before he speaks again. “How are you feeling? Being here?”

It’s been a few days since your arrival, and you’re still getting acclimated — getting to know everyone, and no longer getting lost on the walk between the infirmary and your room.

“It’s good,” you answer. “Different, but good. It feels like home, in a lot of ways. Like being home, but with friends.”

He gazes at the group, who are comfortably chatting and laughing as they work, spread out across the floor and crowded around every chair and table in the house. “Like it’s Harvest day, but all the time.”

“Yeah,” you say quietly. “Like that.”

There’s a soft cry from the cradle, and you turn immediately, striding across the room. “You’re okay, sweet boy,” you coo, gathering him into your arms and swaying gently to comfort him. He quiets almost immediately, content just to be held.

“How?” Sloane asks in sheer disbelief.

Sawyer looks at you, shrugging. “She’s always been beloved by animals and babies.”

“You’re dating a fairytale princess, dude,” Ridoc says with a soft laugh.

“I know,” he replies, still watching you with the little boy, who is now resting happily against your shoulder as you hold him. “She’s everything I’ve ever dreamed of.”

“You better marry that girl,” Maren orders, pointing her pen at him.

“I plan to.”

The table sits with the admission for a moment before they resume their studies.

He watches you turn to Raegan, speaking quietly so you don’t disturb the babe — you must have promised to watch him and let her get some rest, as she offers you a grateful smile and disappears through a door in the corner of the room, closing it behind her.

“You don’t happen to know any old Lucerish, do you?” Violet asks quietly, sounding exhausted.

“Only some old sayings. Farmer’s wisdom. Probably not anything that would be in there.”

“Humor me?”

You lean against the armrest of the chair Sawyer is sitting in, still holding the baby — he curls an arm around your hips, keeping you steady as you lean down to read the journal. The page she has open is covered with swirling symbols, most of which you’ve never seen before. But besides the numbers… “I know that one,” you say, gently tapping one of them with a fingernail. “Atem. Breath.”

She blinks at you, her brow creasing. “Breath?”

You nod. “There’s an old adage about harvesting fall vegetables — when you can see your breath in the morning for the fifth time that season, you should pick everything you can that day or take it inside. Otherwise the frost will kill it within the week.” You continue scanning the page. “But the rest… I have no idea. Kids aren’t taught any of this in school, especially not where we’re from. I’m sorry I couldn’t be of more help.”

“No, you helped a lot, actually. I’m gonna head back to the house; I need to talk to Brennan about this.” She stands, piling everything into her bag. “I’ll see you guys at dinner.”

You slip into her chair, tucking your legs underneath you — it’s much warmer inside than out, but it’s still a bit chilly in here.

Aretia really is like home.

——————

The fresh snow crunches under your boots as you make the walk back to school, side by side. It’s so quiet out here that you almost don’t want to speak at all, but now that you’re finally alone, you can say what’s been on your mind for the last two hours.

“Do you remember the fire?” you ask softly. “When we were still in school?”

“Of course I do. How could I possibly forget that?”

“I don’t know,” you reply, watching the trail of footprints in front of you — the rest of the squad had left a bit earlier than you did. “I kept trying to forget, but it didn’t work. Thought you’d brushed it off — you were always the brave one, not me.”

An unusually dry year had led the fields to burn easily, strong winds sweeping the fire through the landscape in a matter of hours — quickly enough that when you and Sawyer finished up your daily chores, you realized you were trapped.

“I thought we were going to die in that barn,” you admit. “I prayed for a little while, to all the gods I could think of, but eventually I just accepted it. We were hardly fifteen, but we’d lived good lives, done good things and helped feed our families and dozens of others for years. And we were together. That was it, really. That we were together, holding hands.”

He holds you a little closer as he responds. “I think about that day a lot. Whenever I’m scared, or I need to be brave, I think about the two of us sitting in that gross water trough, soaked to the bone and waiting to die, and I tell myself that we were spared for a reason. What that reason is, I have no idea. But if it’s anything, it’s probably this.”

“Probably.”

“What made you think of it?” he asks.

“It’s been on my mind a lot lately. Probably because y’all smell a little bit like smoke all the time. But hearing some of the things you all talked about today... I still only have half an idea how any of this works, but I know it’s not good, and it won’t be easy, either.”

He makes a soft noise of agreement, but lets you continue.

“My point is, I think we could get through anything as long as we were together. Including this.”

“I feel the same way. And just like then, I don’t plan on letting go any time soon.”

You laugh, remembering how you’d refused to separate, falling asleep on the floor of his grandparents’ living room still holding hands.

“Neither do I,” you say quietly. “Neither do I.”

[athenagc94]

Dear Daddy Long Legs

Jason Todd x Fem!Reader

A concept I've been toying with. Will probably post the complete fic to AO3 once I've got a few more chapters written, but though I would share some of the chapters here first to garner interest. This fic is inspired by the (musical mostly, but also novel) of Daddy Long Legs.

Warnings: Some angst and self-reflection, nothing too heavy yet.

First (You are Here) | Next

Prologue

Taking the subway had to be the most mundane thing a person could do, and after the night he just had, Jason needed mundane.

He traded his uniform and helmet for a well-worn hoodie and a Wonder Woman cap that hid the streak in his hair. He sat with his shoulders hunched to make himself smaller, less imposing, but no amount of hunching could hide the broad planes of his chest. The stench of blood and gunpowder clung to him despite ringing off before he left the Outlaw safehouse.

It would have been wiser to stay behind and regroup. Everything that could go wrong with their assignment did, but he didn’t want to sit and stew in all the ways they failed—in all the ways he failed. Bizzaro let him without much fuss. Artemis had more to say.

“You can’t run from your failures like a coward.”

Leave it to her to keep him humble.

Their latest job took them halfway across the globe, and after facing metahumans, myths come to life, and sorcerers, Jason missed the psychopaths of home. This wasn’t the first time he’d been away. A month was nothing compared to five years, but he yearned for the familiarity of Gotham.

Nostalgia was a bitch.

Being back brought a well of complicated emotions with it. Anger, regret, but there was something else, something that tightened his chest and left his stomach soupy. He tried to ignore it, knowing he wouldn’t like what he found if he sat with it too long.

So, subway.

Mundane.

Human—he just wanted to feel human.

His knee bounced as lights rushed past, casting harsh shadows across the rubber floor. It was quiet, save for the slow grind of steel on steel as the car raced down its track. It was empty save for him.

Well, him and you.

He might have missed you entirely if not for the bright yellow jacket thrown over your button up and slacks. Unless your name was Robin or Signal, yellow was a bold choice for Gotham—especially this late at night. You chewed on the plastic end of the drawstring as you pored over the book in your lap.

Jason, despite every instinct telling him not to, craned his neck to identify the book. It might have been an effective strategy if you weren’t halfway across the car and facing him. You seemed to sense the weight of his stare and looked up. The string fell from your mouth as it tightened with the guarded look in your eyes.

An embarrassed flush burned his ears as he looked away. It was easier to pretend he knew how to socialize when compared to people like Bizarro and Artemis, who were far from the paragons of conservation. Charm was learned, and his was a little rusty.

But now that he had your attention, he might as well ask. “What’re you reading?”

Your eyes narrowed a fraction as you gave him a once over. When you found whatever, you were trying to ascertain, you lifted the book to show him the cover. The edges were frayed and discolored; its spine well-worn, but the words ‘Wuthering Heights’ popped against the taupe cloth.

Jason sat a little straighter. “First time reading it?”

You rubbed the page between your thumb and forefinger as a thoughtful deliberation creasing your brow. “Second time. I read it in high school, but I didn’t fully appreciate it. Now that I’ve dipped my toes into a few more classics, I thought it was worth revisiting.”

“And what’s the verdict?”

You were two-thirds finished, which was more than enough time to form an opinion. Jason had thoughts, but he wanted to hear from you first.

You considered him again, almost conflicted. “I appreciate it more than I did back then. I understand why people consider it a cult classic. It’s complex, and I like complex. Heathcliff is deeply flawed, Catherine too, but that’s what makes them compelling characters.”

He smiled. “I’ve never read a more complex, mutually destructive love story like Wuthering Heights in years. I mean, like, full-body chills every time I read it. There’s something thrilling about it.”

“Right,” you exclaimed, a passion igniting in your eyes.

“Now, Darcy, that’s a real paragon of romance.”

The car slowed, coming to a stop at an empty platform. The doors opened with a soft hiss as the automated voice announced the stop. Your gaze flicked to the door, then back to him. He half-expected you to make a run for it, but you stayed planted in your seat. He blinked.

Or maybe you expected him to leave instead?

He settled back in his chair to make himself comfortable. The doors closed once more, and the subway continued down its track.

You relaxed a little. “Well, Mr. Darcy, if you know so much about the classics, what do you recommend I read next?”

He choked on his laugh.

Jason was no leading man despite how often he dreamed of being transported into a regency-era romance novel. Throw him in a silk waist coat with a messily knotted cravat and call him a rake because he’d make the fictional women swoon.

Reality, however, was much darker and hung over his head like a thick smog that threatened to suffocate him. He didn’t exist on this earth to sweep ladies off their feet or duel for their honor. That, and he wasn’t nearly as suave in action as he pretended to be.

“And for the record, I’ve already read Pride and Prejudice.”

He rubbed his hands together. “Oh, boy. How long do you have?”

A small smile curved your lips. “I'm not going anywhere.”

Discussing books came easily to him—probably because he had a lot of opinions and not a lot of people to share them with. Artemis didn't read, Bizarro preferred movies, and Roy—well, Jason was still reeling about their last book-related discussion where Roy tried to convince him that movie was always better than the book. For both their sakes, Jason made a conscious choice to not discuss books with him after that.

You listened as he rambled, going off about his favorite authors Austen and Dumas. He should have been embarrassed by how much he was talking, but the quiet intensity in your gaze spurred him to keep going.

His chest tightened with every stop, believing the next would be the point where you two parted ways for good. From the way your gaze kept darting to the door at each stop, he had an inkling that the feeling was mutual. He decided not to ask, lest it break whatever spell had fallen between you two.

All good things must come to an end. When the door slid open on the Park Row exit, Jason stood, albeit reluctantly. You did the same, slinging a plain canvas bag over your shoulder.

He curbed his surprise. “Park Row, eh?”

“The lifeblood of Gotham,” you said humorlessly.

Jason laughed. You did not. It died on a grunt as he tried to appear more sympathetic.

You exited the car with him, zipping the front of your hoodie as the unseasonably cool air pebbled his skin. He stuffed his hands in his jogger pockets and followed you up the stairs that led out onto the street. It was dark, darker than usual given the city had yet to replace the shattered streetlamp on the corner. It might have been his doing, errant bullets were a hazard of the job, but he was mildly irritated to find it was still broken.

Calm washed over him as he breathed. It was good to be home, even with all the complicated emotions that came with that sentiment.

“You live nearby?”

Your dubious look made him cringe. That sounded creepy coming from him, a random guy you barely knew. Sometimes it was difficult to separate Jason from Red Hood, not that he believed for a second that it would change your reaction. If you lived here, which he assumed you did because no Gothamite in their right mind would willingly follow him onto the street lovingly dubbed Crime Alley, the name Red Hood held weight. For all the good he did for the citizens, there was plenty of bad stack against him. He didn’t expect you to trust him with or without the helmet.

“Forget I asked,” he said.

You stared at him a second longer before walking away. “Stay safe, Mr. Darcy.”

Your tone carried an edge of finality, like you never expected to see him again. Despite the disappointment purling in his chest, he agreed that was probably for the best. A brief conversation with you was a warmer welcome than he anticipated, but he wasn’t about to push his luck by asking for more.

He lifted his hand to wave, though you had already disappeared around the corner. “You too.”

[wooahaeruby]

Chapter 42: Bottom of the Stairs

TW

None, but this chapter is just a little sad.

AUTHOR'S NOTE AT THE END, PLEASE READ.

Master List | Prev | Next

She hadn’t left his room in four days. 

Jeonghan had been sleeping in Seokmin’s room each night with the younger man, tossing and turning for hours until he succumbed to slumber reluctantly. Before she had settled in, he moved a bunch of his belongings out to make room for her things Sona brought from Mouse’s apartment. He made his bed with all the blankets Mouse loved in the house at the expense of everyone else's lack of comfy blankets. 

When she was cleared later that first day she woke up to leave the ATZ clinic, Mouse rode home with Sona, curled up pitifully in the backseat to get some things from her place. Everyone shared their complaints but when she flinched away from Jongho and Sona when they moved around her and how she scratched anxiously around the collar of her shirt, Cheol shut them up. They got back before the two women did and busied themselves with any task they could find. 

The house, much to no one's surprise, was a mess, none of them could deny it. None of them had the energy to even care about it until now. Clothes, dishes, and general clutter had been piling up since Christmas, but this was another level of mess. Mingyu, usually the top of their cleaning crew, had spiraled into a cycle of cooking and keeping himself busy in every other way and didn’t have the mental capacity to handle anything else on his metaphoric plate. 

By the time Mouse was home, the dishes were scrubbed and put in the dishwasher, all the floors were sweeped, vacuumed, and mopped, and there were two loads of laundry going. It wasn’t spotless, but it was a lot better than the Frat House vibes it was giving previously. 

Mouse was barely in their presences before she retreated, visibly uncomfortable. Sona had given them some information from Seonghwa, that he’d be over as soon as he could with the heart monitor and to check up on her. Joshua had asked how she was back at her apartment and Sona simply shook her head, a general heartbreak washing over the group. Sona said to give her space, to let Mouse come to them and take things slow. She brought her bags into the room before leaving, telling them to call if she needed anything from her place. 

But Jeonghan was clawing at the fucking walls . 

There were times he’d pace the hallway outside his room, or just sit on the floor, staring at the door, hoping she’d come out at any point. 

He had been switching off with Joshua to bring her meals, medicine, anything. Whenever they’d go in, she’d be curled up under all the blankets, silent and in the dark. He hadn’t stopped himself from crying the first few times, other times he’d whisper small words of affirmation and affection as he placed the tray down and quickly left. Some meals she’d fully eat while others she’d barely touch. He had asked Minghao to make a second cup of tea whenever he made some for himself to give to her, knowing she loved those mugs of tea. It was one of the only things she’d regularly finish.

“Can you please chill?” Cheol had been more irritated than ever since she woke up and came home, but he couldn’t be blamed. 

Jeonghan sank lower into the couch, legs bouncing and biting his nails. “I’m going to lose my shit, dude.” 

“I can feel your nervous energy from here. Smoke with Vernon or something.” Looking over the couch, Jeonghan watched as Cheol popped some bread in the toaster for breakfast. 

Only a few of them had gone back to some ‘work’. Seokmin, though hating every moment and planning to leave, was in the city all day for the cover job and back every night in case Mouse woke up. Mingyu and Minghao had taken to cooking lunch meals that were easy to heat up for Mouse. The last three nights Seokmin brough food from the city for dinner, many times it was a favorite place of Mouse which no one minded. Wonwoo had holed himself up in Pandora or went to the city to find any answers if it was actually MX since Mouse hasn’t spoken to them. He had been searching for proof, anything, but nothing was found. 

The youngest three were a… bit all over the place. Seungkwan was taking on more work than he needed to, working himself to the bone. Vernon…when he wasn’t with Wonwoo or handling stuff for Pledis Shipping, was smoking a lot, more than usual. The only one they weren’t too worried about was Chan. He had been coping with exercise, asking Jihoon to go out back to the gym with him to train. Jihoon was making sure he wasn’t overdoing it. 

A knock at the door had both him and the leader tensing. It wasn’t often they got someone waltzing up to their door and knocking. Sona had the simple pass to walk into their home at this point, both a friend and a worker that they trust fully. 

Seungcheol looked to Jeonghan before the sound of a second round of knocking came. 

“I know some of you are home, King !” Rheia’s voice had both of them bulking in confusion. “Open the door.” 

Jeonghan stood quickly from the couch, fixing his clothes and hair on the way to open the door for the older woman. She was bundled up for the early January cold, a large, insulated bag in hand, and two guards standing by her car before she waved them off and they sat inside the vehicle. 

“Uh-” Jeonghan bowed his head and stepped aside, letting her in from the cold. “Hi?” 

“It’s freezing out there!” She shivered, pushing her hood back and smiling at him then Seungcheol. “Now, where can I cook for her?” 

“Can I know how you got our address?” Cheol scoffed, nodding his head towards the counter before him. 

Jeonghan quickly offered to take her coat, which she thanked him for, and shook her head, walking over. “I know just about everything, dear. I’ve known for a while about this place, actually. Same with just about every group in the general area. I would have come sooner but I wasn’t in the country and my flight got grounded because of a hurricane!” 

Joshua sleepily shuffled into the living room, hair wild and clothes rumpled, face planting into the couch cushions. His head almost instantly shot up, eyes wide and full of confusion but Rheia only waved him off. 

“Don’t mind me, I’m here for my girl.” She hummed, unpacking what looked like the makings of chicken soup. “How’s she been?” 

“She hasn’t left bed in four days since coming home.” Jeonghan admitted, rubbing a hand over his face. “But she is eating some. Not sure how she is sleeping. She flinched if she got close, and can’t touch her either.”

Rheia sighed, asking Seungcheol for a pot that he got for her. “I’ll see if I can talk to her.” 

“Anything will help at this point.” 

She worked quickly and efficiently on her cooking, willing to share some since she made more than enough, before asking which room Mouse was residing in. Jeonghan led her to his room, seeing the determined look on the woman’s face. He was praying something she said could help Mouse, even if it got her to leave the room for a few minutes. 

Rheia pushed the door open, flicking on all the lights and kicked the door shut behind her. He could hear Mouse groan, complaining weakly that it was too bright. His heart broke silently in his chest. 

“My old eyes can’t see in this hovel!” Rheia’s voice was heard behind the door, but after Jeonghan didn’t hear much and despite his want to listen in, he gave them privacy. 

He made his way back to the living room, sitting at Joshua’s side now that he was sitting up, legs tucked to his chest. Seungcheol joined on his other side, leaning his head back against the couch and sighing loudly. There was a distant sound of a door opening and closing, and the slow shuffling of feet on the floor before Jihoon waddled in. 

“Don’t you people have jobs to do?”His groggy voice had Jeonghan rolling his eyes. 

“Don’t you?” 

“Hey, whao, watch the attitude,” Jihoon snorted through his nose and snickered, falling onto the loveseat to get comfortable. “I go in at eight tonight and I’ll be back late. Yesterday Mingyu, Seungkwan and I worked out a shift schedule so one of us is going to be home in case anything happens.” 

“How long do you think Rheia will be in there?” Joshua asked, processing the situation fully now. 

Jihoon made a sound of confusion. “Is that who I heard?” 

“Yeah, she showed up.” Seungcheol rubbing his temples. “I hope it isn’t long.” 

And they waited two. Fucking. Hours. 

Vernon and Seungkwan had woken up, made some breakfast before joining the four on the couches. They were filled in when they asked about the pot of soup on the stove, taking in the nervous silence after. No one dared to say a word, uncomfortable and unsure of what would come from Rheia’s impromptu visit. 

Then, like the sun broke through the clouds, Rheia stepped out and entered back into the living room, bowl empty and a small, sad smile on her lips. She placed the bowl in the sink and joined them, sighing quietly. That…wasn’t a good sign. 

“So?” Jihoon broke the shell of silence, dropping his phone into his lap. 

The older woman took a seat beside Jihoon, patting his knee before brushing her hair back. “While she wouldn’t tell me who did this…she did tell me everything they did. She cried a decent amount. I don’t even know where to begin with the information I just heard, however she asked me not to tell a soul until she was ready to say things herself. She might come out, she might not. She needs time.” 

“Do you-” 

“I think it would be beneficial for Mouse to speak to a therapist.” She cut Seungkwan off, straightening her back. “Not…right away, she isn’t ready to even leave the house, but I believe it can help when she can get that far. I have someone in mind, she is a wonderful practitioner and she is a private practice that worked with my girls before. I’ll get a number. Maybe a phone call to start with Mouse, but we can’t force her.” 

Jeonghan groaned, sinking in his spot. 

There wasn’t anything they could do besides wait and he wasn’t enjoying the thought of that option. Patience wasn’t his strong suit, he knew that, everyone knew that… No one looked happy with the information but they were shit out of luck for the time being.” 

“I need to get going, you can finish the soup, however all of you can call me if something happens, if she needs help, or if you need help.” Rheia hummed, standing up. “Things might get worse, harder, before they get better. Keep your chin up for each other and her, boys.”

“No one can help you first, sweetie.” Rheia gave you a gentle smile. “You need to take the first step to help yourself, Y/N.” 

You hated to admit how right she was before she left the room, leaving you in your hovel of safety and protection. No one could hurt you here, it was the main reason you wanted to be here and not in the city. The only person that could hurt you here was yourself.

You also didn't mean to spill your guts to her. Once you got started, it was word vomit that didn’t stop until you were crying, close to a panic attack. She tried to ask who hurt you, nearly begged, but each time you tried to remember their faces and names, you spiraled and forgot how to breathe properly. You could scream the names in your head but no amount of will let you voice it. 

Though you could see Rheia wanted to hold you, she stayed in the desk chair Jeonghan had in his room, a comfortable distance away. You did a lot of crying, babbling that you were struggling but you were terrified of everything. Looking in the mirror was hard when changing bandages over your chest, having spent a few times curled beside the toilet at the sight of yourself. 

Sleep felt useless, it wasn’t restful when you did manage to get any. Nightmares continued to wake you up in a violent, shaking cold sweat, needing to take time to calm down and catch your breath. Almost every single time, you were unable to fall back to sleep. You’d hear something in the middle of the night that ripped you from sleep and you would be too paranoid to even close your eyes. However, you didn’t always want to stay in Jeonghan’s room. 

The previous night you heard Wonwoo leave Pandora and retreat into his room for some much needed sleep. When no one else stirred in the house, you left your sanctuary and escaped to the confines of Pandora to play some games, and you cleaned up after yourself before hiding once more. 

You’ve been hearing the guys talk as well, it wasn’t difficult to. They were constantly worried. You knew Jeonghan and Joshua had spent plenty of time sitting at the door, talking aimlessly to keep themselves busy or sane. Sometimes you’d hear Seokmin talking to the door as if it was you, telling stories to pass the time. 

Rheia told you that it would take time, but locking yourself in wouldn’t help with getting better. Baby steps were her suggestion first, maybe just leave the room for longer periods of time, spending some time with the guys at least in the same room, or cooking to keep yourself busy. 

Again, you hated that she was right. 

Standing up from bed, you shuffled your way into the closet to grab a change of clothes; your leggings, Jeonghan’s oversized t-shirt, and one of Joshua’s sweatshirts you stole. While you were clean, you weren’t really clean. Seonghwa gave you the okay to shower, even giving you a type of bandage to prevent the brand from getting wet, but you didn't have any energy besides a thorough wipe down and changing clothes/bandages. You needed a long overdue everything shower, since baths were way out of the option, and to clean the room a little bit. 

It took you twenty minutes of sitting, wrapped in a towel, staring at the water coming out of the shower head to run your hand under the stream. You couldn’t help the flashes of you locked in the metal box as it filled with water, seeing the glass doors and walks encasing the shower. The further you got into the water, the more you had to step out to stop the racing of your heart and breath. You made sure the water was scolding hot, which helped, but it was still sickening, drenching yourself in water. 

Despite the time it took (when did over an hour pass?), you were just happy you got clean and felt more refreshed. You changed the bandages on your chest, stopping yourself from scratching at the irritated skin around it. It was a worse feeling than the brand itself.

Next on your (somewhat) list was to clean up Jeonghan’s room. In the darkness, you’ve haphazardly tossed dirty clothes, sweat drenched blankets, and things from your suitcase laid about. You made piles of things desperately needing a wash (which…you might pawn off onto one of the guys), and clean, taking it upon yourself to hang clothes in your boyfriend’s closet. He would be over the moon – probably – when he finds out (who were you kidding? He’d be so happy).

“What if we just have Min pick up burgers for dinner?” You heard Jihoon as he called down the hall, passing the door. Someone responded but it was muffled. “Okay well no one else wants to cook!” 

You didn’t like that, frowning at his words. There had been a larger amount of fast food for dinner, but lunch was always something homemade from what you could tell. Were they not taking care of themselves because of you? Your frown grew wider. 

“We need to stop eating out as much…” Cheol passed the door as well, huffing. 

“Oh, are you going to cook?” Jihoon laughed. “I don’t want food poisoning again. No, thanks.” 

Their presence right outside, shuffling about, had you taking a step back and sitting on the bed, sighing quietly. 

Face your uncomfortability. Telling yourself that was easier said than done. You can do it!  

You had a sinking feeling in your stomach, it made you nauseous and dizzy. Staring at the door, your nails dug into your palms, sucking in a slow, deep breath. Nodding, you stood and walked towards the door, only to chicken out when your hand reached for the knob. You were getting the anxious itches, wishing to claw your skin off and start anew. 

Then you paced…and paced…and paced…and sat back down, defeated and unhappy with yourself. 

Wait, you fucking idiot! Light bulb moment. 

Looking around, you found your phone in the pile of blankets. One of them had given it to you when bringing food, saying to text them if you needed anything. It had been on do not disturb and you were anxiously ignoring the hundreds of messages between group chats and solo chats, asking how you were doing. 

You scolded and scrolled until you found Jihoon’s contact name in your phone. 

[To Cat Boi 4 12:44 PM]  If you get burgers…can I have cheese fries? 

Waiting for his reply, your leg bounced and you continued to hear quiet conversation in the living room. Someone walked back passed the room, maybe Cheol by the footsteps, then a faster, hurried set of steps followed, probably Jihoon. 

[Cat Boi 4 12:51 PM]  Only if you accept an ultimatum Oh, this fucker… You replied quickly.  [To Cat Boi 4 12:52 PM]  Depends… [Cat Boi 4 12:53 PM]  You need to come get it yourself when it gets here.

You clenched your jaw. This sneaky bastard, you knew that was going to be it but it was a decent push you needed. It would be your starting point, albeit one you would stress over, but a start! 

[To Cat Boi 4 12:59 PM]  Add a milkshake and it’s a deal.

You could hear Jihoon laugh and Seungkwan asked what was so funny. 

[Cat Boi 4 1:01 PM]  Deal. Thanks for doing business.  I’ll text you when it's here so I’m holding you to it.

You sent him a middle finger emoji and a melting face emoji.

[To Cat Boi 4 1:03 PM] I hate you So much  [Cat Boi 4 1:01 PM] Wrong, what do you want for lunch? [To Cat Boi 4 1:03 PM] Not hungry. I’ll eat later

Tossing your phone aside, you laid back and groaned, staring helplessly at the ceiling. 

You had a few hours to mentally prepare to go out there. The thought had nervous butterflies fluttering in your stomach. However, you were determined to do it, determined to take a good first, small step forward. Though…there was most likely no want you’d be able to sit with them at the table. They’d be too close and a good chance they’d be too loud, which was a hard pass. Maybe sitting on the couch and eating was a good idea.

You’ll figure it out, you typically do.

[Cat Boi 4 7:19 PM] It’s here

You could hear the commotion of meal time in the house. Seokmin, though not as enthusiastic as he usually was, announced he was home with food, sending the rest into a frenzy.  You heard the clatter of plates and the low murmur of conversation. It seemed Jihoon had texted you after they settled, but they were still talking. This was one of the dinners where you heard all of them together.

Did you believe you were prepared enough to face them? Maybe. You spent hours mentally preparing for it. You rehearsed a million answers to different questions they might ask, thought of a few escape answers, and told yourself it was okay to be overwhelmed and leave the room.

Standing at the door, you placed your hand on the doorknob, swallowing down your nerves for a moment. 

You got this. You repeated a few times, staring at the handle blankly. 

Quietly, you opened it and peeked into the hallway, sucking in a deep breath. Fixing Joshua’s sweatshirt, you gripped the cuffs of it and slowly made your way down the hall. 

“Do you think she will actually come out?” Chan’s voice broke the moment of silence.

Jihoon sighed. “I’m hoping. The ultimatum was more of a joke but I have some faith she will.” 

“I love you guys, but I miss Mouse.” Mingyu huffed and it sounded like he grumbled around some food. 

“We can’t pressure her,” Seungcheol spoke next and you stopped, placing yourself against the wall. “While we don’t know the full extent of everything currently, she is hurting, recovering, and trying to make sense of the trauma. We know the process, we’ve gone through it a few different times, but everyone copes differently. Mouse could still be refiguring out what being safe is. It might have only been a few days for her with who hurt her, but it could feel like a thousand.” 

You didn’t realize you were holding your breath until you leaned your head back against the wall. It came out shaky and strained, an uneasy feeling bubbling in your chest. 

Don’t let this stop you. You scolded yourself, biting your bottom lip. It’s already one stop forward and two steps back, but you need to take at least one stop to start.

“Should I put her milkshake in the freezer-?” Vernon looked over at it as you entered the area. 

“No-” Your voice was rough, hesitant, and all of their gazes set on you instantly. Clearing your throat, you averted your eyes. “I got it.” 

Flicking your eyes up, you met a few of their stares, half rooted in place. You knew the bruising on your face was still a little yellowish from Nightmare hitting you. The handprint bruising on your neck from Joker’s strangulation was in a similar stage of healing. You didn’t look good, but it wasn’t as rough as when they first saw you for sure. In their eyes, you might be viewed as even more broken and bruised, small, and in need of care.

You watched as Cheol quickly grabbed Jeonghan and Joshua by the back of their shirts, stopping them from moving. Both your boyfriends looked just about ready to jump up and pounce on you. They looked relieved and eyes weren’t as dull, but the way they held themselves back showed they knew you were struggling. 

“Do you need-” Jeonghan stared wide eyed and you shook your head. 

“No, I got it.” You took a deep breath, willing yourself not to turn back. “Just continue eating, please.” 

You took the long way into the kitchen to avoid getting too close, stopping at the kitchen island where your food rested. They were still staring and you ignored them to the best of your abilities as you grabbed a plate, piling your burger and fries on to it. Looking over to the table, you see your usual seat with a plate and napkin set, vacant and looming. Even the thought of sitting there was numbing. 

You made eye contact with Jeonghan, looking so hopefully, a spark of joy in his eyes. Joshua looked similar, a small, timid smile on his lips. Really, all of them held an expression of pride, which had your stomach doing somersaults. 

“Do you want to sit there?” Minghao broke the silence and the flash of panic that crossed your face was enough for him to give you a somber smile.

“I don’t think I can…and I think I’d like to keep my dinner down instead of having a panic attack.” That came out a lot harsher than you wanted and your heart started to beat faster. “Wait- No, I’m sorry-” 

“It’s okay.” Seungcheol spoke softly and your heart broke a little, “Do you want your chair at least?” 

Picking up your plate and drink, you shook your head and went to the couch, curling up in a corner and eating quietly. 

“Alright, back to the original conversation I wanted,” Soonyoung spoke up and a wave of groans were heard behind you. “Which Disney Princess do you think should have been gay?”

Joshua sighed. “Mulan.” 

“That is such a basic bitch answer.” Soonyoung scoffed. “Give me something better.”

Vernon laughed, wheezing some as he did. “My answer is Sleeping Beauty or Merida.” 

“Thank you, Vernon.” 

You couldn’t stop the little chuckle that came out. 

Mingyu snickered. “Ariel shouldn’t have ended up with Eric. He was too…Bland.” 

“Violet from The Incredibles should have also been gay.” The low rumble of Wonwoo’s voice made you scoff. 

Soonyoung groaned. “I said Disney, not Pixar.”

“Nah, let him cook. Pixar is basically Disney at this point, right? He isn’t wrong either.” 

“And Elastigirl should have left what’s-his-face for the not-so-mean lesbian in the second movie.” 

You flinched at the uproar from Mingyu, Soonyoung, and – most surprising – Jun. They argued over more princesses and movie characters, but despite the flinching a few times one and a while from when they got loud, it was okay. It was a decent change to eating with people rather than in the dark in a bedroom alone, even if you weren’t sitting with them. 

Placing your plate aside when finished, you curled up more with your mostly finished milkshake and noticed your eyes getting heavy. Taking a deep breath in, it felt nice to be tired. You only wondered if you’d be able to get some proper rest. 

“Mouse, you could hand me your plate or I can grab it, whichever you are more comfortable with.” Joshua could be heard behind you, maybe a few feet away, but thankfully made himself known before approaching. 

Peering over the back of the couch sleepily, you grabbed the plate and handed it over, half hidden behind the couch. When he took it quietly and stepped away, you stood and shuffled to the loveseat to watch them move about quietly. They all worked quietly to clean up, keeping their voices low. Sometimes they’d look over to you and look away with haste when you met their gaze. 

You tugged a blanket over the back of the seat and wrapped yourself up, falling comfortably into your side. Your eyes continued to grow heavy, your breathing evening out, and you quickly drifted into much needed sleep.

“That can not be comfortable.” Chan frowned, staring over at Mouse.

Seungcheol puffed out some air, giving a small shake of his head. “Definitely not, but she is asleep. Who knows the last time she got proper sleep.” 

Mouse, as of current, was curled up and contorted in a rather…interesting sleeping position. He had watched her go from curled up under the blanket to one leg off the love seat, hanging oddly, her neck craned weird, and both arms curled up where she would definitely be sore tomorrow. The blanket was half on the floor and no one was stupid enough to get close and fix it. 

“She’s been asleep for at least an hour, we should properly wake her up.” Joshua hummed, pouting over at her. 

“And how do you plan on doing that?” Wonwoo snorted, raising his brow and lowering his phone. “She can sleep like a rock when she wants or needs to.”

“Do you think she will wake up if I scream?” Mingyu  asked. 

“Do not. I’ll beat your ass.” Cheol rolled his eyes. “I don’t want a headache.” 

“Touching her is out of the question.” Jeonghan frowned at his girlfriend’s sleeping form, huffing quietly. 

Sighing, Seungcheol pinched the bridge of his nose. “Why wake her up? Just let her sleep whenever she gets comfortable.” 

“She should be sleeping in a bed-” Jeonghan went to argue, only to back down when Seungcheol glared at him. 

“Don’t wake her up. Don’t bother her. And do not touch her, any of you.” His eyes shifted around to those in the room. “And if you do, and cause her any further discomfort, I’ll have you on clean up duty for a long time.” 

Most averted his gaze after, knowing clean up was the worst punishment if Cheol had a say in it. Last time someone didn’t listen – Soonyoung – he was told to personally clean up drug dens, body fluids, and more, until the leader was satisfied. There were plenty of different clean up jobs Cheol could place them on if he pleased, much worse than then the drug dens. 

“So if it’s an accident…” Mingyu started and Wonwoo hit him in the arm. 

“Shut up.”

“It’s a valid question!” 

“Don’t dig yourself a hole, ‘Gyu.” Minghao stopped him, shaking his head. “You won’t win any argument here.’ 

The tall man puffed, crossed his arms over his chest, grumbling about how no one was standing up with him. 

“Yet you keep talking.” Seokmin smirked, stepping back into the living room after leaving for a while. “Cheol, can we talk?” 

Raising a brow, he nodded and stood, looking to the rest. “Don’t bother her.” 

Someone repeated him with annoyance in his tone (it was Jeonghan, he knew it), but ignored him to trail down the hall to his office, kicking the door open for Seokmin and plopped down on one of the couches. There was a concerned frown on Seokmin’s face as he sat opposite of Seungcheol, a look not often seen on the other man’s face. 

“What’s up?” 

Seokmin stared down at his lap then sighed, leaning back. “I’m…going to put in my notice to work on Monday.” 

“Okay,” Cheol nodded his head. “Can I know why we are moving it up?”

“I can’t keep faking it anymore.” Seokmin pushed his hair back and slumped his shoulders. “Every other hour I’m getting question after question about Mouse or why she is gone. Because it’s an indefinite leave, there are now a lot of rumors in the office too. It’s starting to eat away at me more and I can’t stay any longer for my own sanity. We should probably look into a notice for her too. If Mouse went back, I don’t think she’ll be able to handle the rumors and hounding. She can get another-” 

“Sounds fair.” Cheol knew it wouldn’t last forever with the double life, but he was surprised it lasted as long as it did. “Monday, you put in the notice to leave and I’ll try – or someone will try – to talk to Mouse about this too.” 

The relief that washed over Seokmin was instant, his shoulders relaxed and a murmured work of gratitude slipped out.

“But don’t think you’ll be doing nothing now, I’ll find more stuff for you to do.” Cheol teased and Seokmin grinned wide. 

“Wouldn’t put it past you, boss.” His shoulders shook happily with a quiet chuckle. “Thank you for understanding.” 

“Don’t thank me, it isn’t a problem.” Seungcheol waved it off and stood, nodding towards the door. “Head on out of here, I’m going to get some work done I’ve been putting off.” 

‘I’ll make sure no one bothers her~” 

“I didn’t-” He went to continue but Seokmin wiggled his eyebrows, halting his words in disbelief. 

“Don’t need to, lover boy.” And he left quickly, leaving laughter in his trail. 

Okay, Seungcheol knew his feelings for Mouse were still prevalent. He also knew that he was originally going to feel out a chance of a relationship before the shit show. Did he look a little love sick? Maybe. He had been staying home the most to make sure Mouse was okay. Cheol had that luxury that the other’s didn’t always have. 

“Focus.” He reminded himself, sighing. “No lovesick brain right now.”

You stirred, taking a deep breath in as you came to consciousness. 

Your neck hurt some and both of your arms had fallen asleep from how they were curled up. It took a moment for you to open your eyes, eyebrows furrowing together when met with the dimly lit living room. 

By the sun being fully set and the silence in the house, you guessed it was late. The house was so quiet – or well, kinda quiet with the snore that ripped through the air. 

Lifting your head, you found Seungcheol laying on the couch across from you, a blanket thrown over his lower half and a pillow hugged to his chest. His snoring was soft, but it was the only major sound in the living room.  His lips were parted and his eyebrows were furrowed together, stirring some. 

You sat up, stretching properly with a pang of pain in your side from your ribs, feeling the popping of your joints with each movement. It was the first peaceful sleep you’ve had since coming back, you didn’t know how long you slept but at least you did sleep. You weren’t as tired as you were before. You didn’t dream either, which you were also taking as a win. No dream was better than nightmares.

“You’re up?” 

Seungcheol’s voice had your head snapping to meet his gaze. He was frowning at you haphazardly, ruffling his hair back and out of his face. You stared at him for a moment, tugging the blanket you had around you.

“Yeah, did I wake you?” You whispered. 

He shook his head. “Not really, but you shifted and I woke up. Think I was napping more than anything.” 

“Your snoring said otherwise.” You teased and a yawn bubbled out. 

Cheol grumbled as the yawn came from him next, pouting once settled. 

The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes, adjusting to being awake. You took note of the state of the living room; things thrown about messily, the Christmas tree still up, and a majority of the presents surrounding it. Seungcheol sat up, eyes unfocused as he yawned against, coming back to the proper plane of existence. 

“Do you need anything?”  He tilted his head curiously, scratching at his neck. “Anything I could do for you?” 

You did say you’d try and pawn some laundry off on one of them…

When you asked for the favor to at least have help throwing the sheets and blankets in the wash, he was up and leaving the area in an instant. You could hear the quiet pitter-patter of his feet on the floor, treading wherever needed. Cheol promises they would be washed and ready by tomorrow for you to take back. 

Then he sat down once more, twiddling his thumbs like he wanted to say something but was unsure of himself or his words. You gave him a moment to attempt to speak up, seeing him lost in thought, and when he didn’t, you extended an olive branch. 

“What’s on your mind?” 

He whipped his head up, eyes wide before he dropped his gaze and cleared his throat. 

“I know you probably have a lot going on in your thoughts and physical recovery. But I want you to know that I’m always around if you want to chat. We’d like to help you however you’d let us.” 

Cheol looked up again, those stupid, big sparkly eyes staring across the way to you. He was waiting for your answer and your stomach twisted with uncertainty. You opened your mouth to speak, letting a flood of unsure thoughts choke you up. A sound left your throat, you wanted to say something- 

“This was the first time in days that I slept without a nightmare.” Was all you managed to get out. You breathed in deep, blinking away tears. “Things are difficult. Motivation is shot, and I’m exhausted, Cheol.” 

Your tone was riddled with defeat and pain, over all of the self-doubt and fear you couldn’t escape. 

Seungcheol dropped his shoulders, a sympathetic smile gracing his lips. He waited to see if you’d continue but signed when you didn’t. “I’m sorry things have been hard at this time. There is nothing I can probably do or say that will help that. You’ve lost so much independence and safety. No one will understand that fear of your situation more than yourself. However, no one will rush you, you take as long as you need and we will walk with you to help. All we want to see is you get better…When Rheia was here, she mentioned a therapist she had in mind you could take to, would you consider it?” 

You nodded, knowing you needed someone to treat you unbiased and medically for your trauma. “I think it might be a good idea.” 

He nodded along with you. “I’ll get the info from her and you can do it all at your own pace, okay?”

“Thank you, Cheol, for everything. I mean it.” 

Clicking his tongue, he shook his head. “Don’t thank me for that, Mouse. I want you to get better for yourself first and foremost.”

Tag List is Open! Comment on the BSH Master List to get added!

Tag List:

@unlikelysublimekryptonite @iiaweirdo @aurorajoye @gaslysainz @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @vanteel @clownprincehoeshi @kpopandbookschild @honeybunchcrunch @black-swan-blog27 @peachie-wonu @kpopsimpsblog @choppedballoondetective @starstrawb

AN:

Hi, I know I've been sporadic with posting BSH here on Tumblr, not from lack of love, but more because I'm trying to finish BSH!! I am still actively writing it, literally I work on it almost every waking moment I can. The only issue is...when writing longer chapters, It takes more type to read through, edit, etc.

I'm going to post on here until I catch up to the Ao3 posting (chapter 44) then after that, it will be in time with each chapter on Ao3 until I finish! I'll make sure to put dates of next chapters in the top of the previous chapter and also in the Master List.

I'm sorry for any inconvenience!! I hope you stick around and enjoy Blood Stained Hands <3

[sly-s-n0nfusion]

Sly's personal ✨Octopath rankings✨

So I've been into Octopath since the year it came out as a franchise basically and I recently finished the second game so I felt like ranking both games' characters and stories based on my likings. Remember that all opinions are valid and if I didn't enjoy your favorite character or story as much as you did it's fine :) also, there aren’t characters or stories I actually disliked with two exceptions so I’m mostly being kind- but honest.

May do spoilers so I'll put them under a cut

Ot1

Stories

Olberic - His story has to be my favorite because of its impeccably functional structure and climax. I am a sucker for redemption stories and I think they nailed every chapter of it. They even made me like the arena chapter even though I'm not a fan of tournament arcs. It's a very well-executed emotional story and it had me hooked since the beginning (also loving the “plot twist” that his final chapter boss is NOT Erhardt, which is what everyone is expecting since chapter 1)

Cyrus - A compelling mystery story with some plot twist I liked and actually interesting pieces of lore in it. What I liked the most about it (if we ignore Therese's blatant deus ex machina moment in his ch3) is that you can't really tell what will happen when you go into one of his chapters. Also has probably the best ch4 with some of the rawest lines ever against Lucia

Alfyn - Loved his chapter 3 to death because of the moral ambiguity and also has one of the best side characters (Ogen). Golden boy has to doubt everything he knew in his life and I love that. Has kind of a slow start though

Ophilia - While I think ch2 could be executed much better and made less boring, the circular structure and moral of her story is amazing. The emotional ch4 almost made me tear up

H'aanit - Cute interpretation of a "pupil has to find his mentor" story and has some epic moments like chapter 3. Not much more than that but it was still really enjoyable (bonus mention for Susanna, one of the best npcs)

Primrose - Kinda compelling revenge tale, except that it ends in the most unsatisfying way possible. Has some nice ideas but I felt so empty and broken at the end of her ch4 because she too is empty and broken

Tressa - Not a fan of the "coming of age stories" but I enjoyed her rivalry with Ali and her friendship with Noa, as well as Leon's backstory. No hate, just the more lighthearted stories are not really my cup of tea. Apart from those, it found it pretty boring and probably has the most anticlimactic final boss ever

Therion - The one story I really didn't like because of... many reasons. Like, it really had potential with the whole Dragonstones thing and everything but they executed it in the worst way possible. Also I hate how they tried to make him trust people again thanks to some questionable people like Cordelia and Heathcote... it just didn't feel right and left me asking myself but why though so many times

Characters

Cyrus - I do love every high intelligence - low wisdom character, bonus of they're a dork and kind of naive. Could write a whole essay about him so just know he won my heart he’s been my blorbo for what 3 years now? Almost 4

Olberic - Another trope I love is grumpy and probably depressed characters who just have a heart of gold inside and use their strength to protect the people they love so there you have it. They did a great job of delivering the emotional baggage in his internal monologues

Ophilia - I love how her character gravitates around the concept of love, loss and family. She's so dear to me

H'aanit - I like her view of the world and her stoic personality but I must say that for a main character, her introspective side could've been explored more

Alfyn - Sunshine boy who feels too much. I do like men who are not afraid of crying in front of others

Therion - a bit of a lone wolf stereotype- but I like his dry and sarcastic attitude when he talks to the other members of the party

Tressa - I like that she's a bit hot-headed and I like her enthusiasm. Definitely a character who shines more when she's with other characters though

Primrose - I think they messed up a bit with her characterization sadly because I can't really tell how the real Primrose is supposed to be even after ch4. She's often portrayed as an overly-flirty femme fatale even though it's probably trauma response and often says some... questionable things to the other members of the party in her travel banters, it's hard to get her true personality right. When she's angry, she kinda comes off as cold and distant, too. I think the writers could've done a better job with her

Ot2

Stories

Castti - Hands down the best Octopath Traveler main story ever imo. It was perfect from how the emotions were delivered to the compelling plot, to the climax in her chapter 3 and the bittersweet ending in her chapter 4. So heartbreaking and has a great attention to details, as well as amazing side characters. Perfect under every aspect and I loved the “horror rpg” vibe to it

Osvald - Amazing revenge tale (and kinda mimicking The Count of Montecristo), much more effective than Primrose's and also more heartbreaking and with an ending that's a bit more satisfying (even if the last chapter is definitely the weakest one and could've been handled better for such a good story). Cool plot twists at the right times an a villain that's actually Rotten to the Core (if we ignore the ridiculous laugh Harvey has). His chapter 1 was probably the best Octopath Traveler chapter 1 narration-wise and had me almost crying at his chapter 4 boss

Throné - I wasn't expecting her story to be this good in the slightest but the "getting out of the mafia" tale is well-executed and has some nice side plots for its side characters, as well as some quite shocking twists near the end. Her chapter 1 is also super good and has some pretty good dialogues.

Temenos - I have mixed feelings towards this one because it had so much potential but it definitely needed more time to be done correctly. The mystery plot feels kinda rushed at times (especially in chapter 3 because I think that one is kind of a narrative mess like why is everything happening SO QUICKLY) and one fatal flaw: Kaldena's backstory not being addressed well enough. She is really a character who needed to pop out more in his story. In the end it's probably a matter of pacing but it does have some real big wasted potential. Also another story that like Primrose's leaves you with a really bitter aftertaste except this time it's actually fitting for Temenos' character

Ochette - .....I'm sorry guys this story is literally Pokemon Ruby and Sapphire for a good 70% of it. Which doesn’t make it necessarily the worst story but it’s not original either. What I liked though is that it has some real good first and final chapters that got me kind of emotional and also kinda creeped me out. The side "anti-racism plot" could've been articulated better narratively but that's what we got in the end so. Also big wasted potential.

Hikari - I am not a fan of stories in which by chapter 1 you already know how they're going to end and Hikari's was exactly like this. I quite enjoyed the arena chapter and the chapter in Stormhail as well, and some parts of it were very cinematic. Not much more than that

Partitio - DISCLAIMER for the next 2 stories: again, I am not a fan of lighthearted stories because of personal taste, nothing else. I want the drama lol. This is why this one was not my cup of tea. I liked the narrative pace of chapter 1 but after that one it just kinda goes a little overboard with the crazyness idk it felt kinda weird to have a bulldog, a jobless guy and a train as bosses. What I loved were the "scent of commerce" side-stories though because it was really fitting to the time period the game is set in to have the merchant traveler interested in financing new inventions and machines. Also not that compelling overall

Agnea - Guys I'm sorry but this one was a big no for me. Legit had me really bored most of the time (especially didn't like the musical parts and her dialogues-only chapter 3 oh god) and never really got me hooked. I liked how cinematic her final boss battle was though and big w for the lesbians in her story I guess

Characters

Castti - Loved her caring, yet sarcastic attitude. She was such a fun and interesting character to be around (if we ignore how many times the travelers insist on calling her “mom” because she is just so much more) and has traits to her that left me quite surprised

Osvald - I love that for once we have a character that's not always nice to the other party members. I like his sharp tongue and atypical behavior, and him going nonverbal at times. A really interesting take on the scholar character I appreciated a lot (also dilfs lover here sorry not sorry)

Temenos - Mixed feelings for Temenos, again, because he does kinda sound like certain anime characters from my childhood but he is a fun character. Sly, snarky, diffident and secretly very broken inside is always a winning combination

Throné - I liked her a lot. I like the contrast between her kind personality and the gruesome job she's forced to do, and that she wants to redeem herself from everything she had to bear since she was a kid. I love her soft side and that she wants to be the good person she is

Partitio - Alfyn, but better. I can say I'm a fan of his over the top humour and attitude and his kind, generous heart

Agnea - Fun girl! I like her bubbly personality and also that she is stubborn and determined. She’s not a deep character but she is still fun

Ochette - I think her character had wasted potential. Even though I agree that she's fun and quirky, they didn't do a great job of portraying her as part of another whole species because they really kinda just made her personality rotate around liking meat. Also didn't really like how unnecessarily infantilized she was rip but she is still cute and fun

Hikari - .......Hikari likers I'm sorry. Oomfs who are Hikari likers if you’re reading this just know that I think your tastes are valid and I'm the one in the minority because everyone loves Hikari, so sorry for what I'm about to say but he kinda was what ruined his own story for me, as well as being the only traveler I actually dislike. I didn't like his teeth-rotting sweet dialogues and his whole character rotating around the concept of friendship. I didn't like that his one (1) flaw is him being possessed by a demon because of his cursed blood. He's too perfect. Therefore to me he's too uninteresting. Sorry!

Peace ✌️

[clarisse0o]

The Mayor - Chapter 8

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternate Universe: Mayor and Architect

Words: 1000

Masterlist

———————————————————————

I was now walking down a dark street toward my apartment, thinking about Lucy. For a few moments, the power dynamic between us had shifted. She’d asked me to stay. She  wanted  me to stay, saying I was doing "rather good work" (giving me a compliment must have been like pulling teeth for her), and because she didn’t want to change contractors now that the project was well underway. She’d even apologized, in her own way—this woman of authority, lowering her guard and acknowledging she’d been in the wrong. She’d had a rough day after that disastrous evening and hadn’t been fair to me. Those were her words.

I’d seen the worry in her eyes when she thought I might leave. And I’d stayed. I wanted to see where this would lead. She irritated me, got under my skin, even exasperated me. Yet I was drawn to her, irresistibly. In those moments when our eyes had met, we’d challenged each other. I was going to stay, to test her limits, to finally play the game my way—and, of course, to finish this major project, crucial for our young firm. I’d come close to walking away minutes before, but I’d managed to reach Lucy. I smiled to myself.

---

 Hello, Lucy, 

 Is tonight’s meeting still on? I have three rugs to show you. 

 Best, Ona 

---

A month had passed since the incident. I’d seen Lucy briefly at the project site once or twice a week. She was buried in preparing the annual municipal budget and had a mountain of work. Our meetings had gone smoothly, though she kept a certain professional distance. One change, however: she’d asked me to call her Lucy, no more "Madame Bronze." 

I was in my office working on a new project when Alexia called out from her desk, munching on a cookie.

"It's terrible being pregnant. My new obsession is white chocolate chip cookies! I’ll end up weighing 100 kilos!”

Indeed, approaching her fifth month, she had a noticeable bump.

"And knowing you, it could’ve been worse—like Cuba Libres," I teased.

"Or Mojitos!" We laughed heartily.

Speaking of mojitos—the dragon herself had just emailed me. I refocused on my screen.

---

 Hello, Ona, 

 Yes, tonight’s meeting is still on. The municipal council session is over, so I’ll have more time. See you tonight. 

 Lucy 

---

When I arrived at the site, the workers helped me bring the rugs into the living room. I still favored the gorgeous Persian one. Two months into the project, significant progress had been made. Most of the flooring was installed, including redoing some in the infamous office. The walls were largely finished, and the workers were now focused on the grand Italian-style bathroom. This house truly had charm.

“Hello, Ona!” Lucy’s voice surprised me.

“Hello, Lucy!”

She looked tired, her features drawn. I showed her the three rugs, awaiting her verdict.

“I really like this one,” she said, pointing to the ochre rug.

“This one, no,” she added, indicating the gray one. “As for this last one… I’m not sure what to think. I can’t decide if it’s completely outdated or stunning.”

I smiled. She must like it but found it hard to admit I’d been right.

“You know what I think…”

“Tell me what you think, Ona…” She looked at me with those piercing blue eyes. We were finally reconnecting.

“Well, the Persian contrasts with the room’s tone, which is why, in my humble opinion, it’s stunning.”

“Can I keep them here for a short while? I’m going antique hunting in Brittany next week—maybe I’ll have an epiphany!” she said, smiling.

“Who knows? That works for these two rugs. As for the coffee table, I have some ideas in this booklet…”

She interrupted me.

“Let’s discuss this over a coffee. I owe you a drink for last time!”

Unexpected… and intriguing. We headed to the café from before.

By the time we were on our second drink, after discussing coffee tables, sideboards, and chairs, she sighed.

“All right, let’s stop talking about the project. I finished council meetings at 3 a.m. yesterday—I’m exhausted!”

So that explained the tired look that did nothing to diminish her beauty.

“All right, you’re the boss!” I said with a smile. Then, “So, going to Brittany on holiday?”

“Yes, for a week at my vacation home, to recharge after these intense weeks. I hope you won’t miss me too much,” she teased.

“Or, maybe, the opposite—a week of peace. Relieved?” I teased back, meeting her gaze.

“I’ll let you know next week when I send you daily updates on how much I miss you.” I could see my words had unsettled her. Ona: 1, Lucy: 0. She smiled, slightly flustered, then changed the subject.

“And you, any vacation plans?”

“No, not this year—way too much work,” I said, making a mock disappointed face that amused Lucy.

With the third drink, the usual barriers, her cool demeanor, were slowly crumbling. We laughed, and for the first time since the night of the incident, there was a genuine camaraderie. Her warmth surprised me; she could be witty, even charming. I found out she was quite well-traveled, like me, so we shared stories.

My phone pulled me from our conversation. It was Alessia, waiting impatiently for me, now for almost an hour. I checked the time—10:30 p.m. We’d been at the café for two hours, though it felt like ten minutes. Lucy noticed my distraction.

“Your girlfriend waiting?” she asked.

“Something like that. I lost track of time.”

“Me too…”

Our eyes lingered, brightened by a little too much alcohol. There was a spark between us. Reluctantly, I got up to leave. As I was about to shake her hand, she took it, pulled me closer, and gave me a kiss on each cheek. I felt warmth spread through me; my cheeks flushed.

“Ona, let’s skip the handshakes, all right? And don’t forget those emails next week.”

She winked. Now, it was my turn to be thrown off. Ona 1, Lucy 

[doctoremrys]

So, since I cannot rant about this somewhere else, I'm gonna rant over here.

A few days ago, I've started reading another Merthur fic on AO3, I've noticed after a few chapters, that the write of this fic repeated some paragraphs by accident, so I've commented on it so that she'll know to edit it whenever she could, I asked her if it was on purporse, and she was like, 'oh s*it, I forgot to delete this, thank you'. We had a nice conversation, and I told her that if I'll see other errors like the one I found, then I'll comment to her about it again.

I did comment again a few times, and the author answered to me, and I thought that we were on good terms. After almost finishing rhe fic, I've commented about the action of one character, and pointed out to her another error, so that I could help her out when she'll edit her fic again.

Today I started reading the second part in the series of the fic, and it turns out that she bloody blocked me. I do not know why, I do not understand why she did it. I wanted to criticize sone stuff, but I asked for permission beforehand, and didn't write one, so I seriously do not understand why a writer would block soneone that helped her out for furure edits! I feel like I've watsed my bloody time, commenting, and pointing out stuff that she should've noticed before publishing a fic, for example, repeating the same sentences and paragraphs on the same chapter, and while I do not judge a writer who makes mistakes, it is not my job to edit those, I'm not a beta nor the writer, and I still helped her out. She even commented to me that she had seen my comments and that she'll edit the fic when she'll have the time, and I answered to her "hey, no pressure, if I'll see more errors like that, I'll comment again", and then she bloody blocks me!

I even told her that I get it that people do this kind of mistakes, and complimented her that I hadn't found any gramnatical errors, which is a hard thing to do!

And then she blocks me, and I cannot even ask her why, why did she block someone who just wanted to help her out, and had positive feedback on her fic.

And the thing is, that in her profike she writes that she's open to criticism, and I did not criticize her!

And also, has she asked ne, I would've stopped commenting about it, and only commented about the fic itself. Maybe it hurt her feelings, but honestly, I think that I've commented about the errirs 4 tines, and most of my conment were about the fic, and why I thought about the characters, but onstead of trying ti talk, she blicked me, and now I cannot comment about what I thought about the chapters I've read fron the second part of the fic...

I'm so annoyed and hurt right now. Maybe I shouldn't try to help writers again...

[the-mountain-flower]

The Exiled and The Outcast

Chapter Twelve: Noooooo Ooooonnnneee…

Content Warnings: Dehumanization (but for a fantasy non-human so... de-person-ization?), bigotry, threats of violence

Dainix had spent so much time learning to channel his anger into something better than lashing out at the people around him, and he wasn’t going to throw it away at this one asshole.

It was really, really tempting, though.

The brash human who’d shown up almost immediately once Dainix came into the village was really getting on his nerves. First he came up to Dainix and tried to greet him like an old friend or comrade, wrapping one arm around him in a condescending gesture, before letting go and giving a faux-friendly punch on the arm that was definitely harder than it was supposed to be. He claimed not to be offended by the presence of an actual monster-hunter, but everything he did and said made the lie obvious.

“I told you,” Dainix insisted for the zillionth time, “there’s no monster in there!”

“Oh, you really don’t have to be so secretive about it. C’mon, I know you’ve claimed your prey, but how about we help each other! One hunter to another, we could take down this beast faster than you can say ‘tally-ho’! We’d make for a fine team.”

Dainix glared at him, not that it made any more difference than it had in the past hour. “My team is probably off fighting actual monsters, not stroking their egos with imaginary ones.”

Okay, that was a bit mean. It was true, but harsher than necessary.

And it was apparently the wrong thing to say, as the brash human got even worse.

After that, the guy started bragging non-stop about his exploits, that Dainix wasn’t going to say were underwhelming, at least out loud. It was obvious this guy thought more highly of himself than his supposed accomplishments gave him credit for.

Shut up right now or so help me Jiya I am going to lose my temper. Maybe if Dainix just ignored him, refuse to acknowledge anything this he was saying, he’d get bored and leave him alone.

“How many eggs do you eat in a day?”

Dainix was traveling, and he had common sense. He didn’t need that one-ingredient recipe for disaster.

“Ah, don’t want to give away your secrets, huh? Well don’t worry, I know very well how important eggs are to-”

He. Just. Kept. Going.

Dainix tried his best to ignore him, and he just kept going with no sign of backing down. It didn’t help that no one else seemed to acknowledge it, and Dainix could swear he saw someone give him an excited thumbs up after seeing this guy behind him.

Dainix tried not to let his relief be too obvious when he finally finished with his errands. “I’m leaving now.”

“Ah! Back to the hunt! Let me come with you-”

“No.”

“Ah, come on, that creature’s terrorizing of this town will be gone in seconds when we-”

Of course he didn’t take ‘no’ well. Which was especially a problem right now because if he didn’t leave Dainix alone, he might well follow him all the way back to the castle.

And to Falst.

Meaning Dainix had to figure out how he was going to lose him before he got there.

Okay, first he would try and dissuade him from following in the first place. If that didn’t work, he’d try loosing him on the way. Dainix hadn’t been here for that long, and he wasn’t very familiar with the terrain, but he knew the area well enough that some of his environmental evasion skills might be sufficient.

“-will finally be rid of that ferin once-”

“Wait,” Dainix attention snapped back to whatever the guy was saying when he caught that part, “what did you just say?”

“About the ferin, the one I’ve been talking about? Claws and tail and hungry eyes, you know the one.”

“You’ve seen him? And you know he’s a ferin?”

“Well of course, I’ve come closer than anyone else here to getting rid of him than anyone else here! No-” he said a word that Dainix knew as a slur- “will endanger our lovely town while I am-”

Dainix’s hands curled into fists beside him.

Dainix had fought monsters many times before. He knew exactly what entailed a dangerous creature. Claws and fangs and the like were all ancillary, and appearance wasn’t what made a monster. Monsters were beings that posed a danger to people. Many didn’t even have a good reason for bloodlust, instinctively resorting to violence at the first sight of anything it saw. Most of them didn’t hide, or if they did it was often used to ambush. Even the automata just had the response to attack someone they saw as ‘cavefolk’ on sight, and most of them were more than well-armed enough to kill anything its programming directed it to.

Falst was none of those things. He never went out of his way to hurt. He hid to protect himself. He could’ve made a move against Dainix at any point during the sefs they spent together in that castle, but he hadn’t! And he’d saved Dainix’s life, that was something a monster never would’ve even considered! He didn’t pose a danger to anyone, he was just trying to survive!

How could anyone see Falst as anything like-

“I tell you, he’s not the first one of his kind I’ve driven from here, but for sure the most elusive. That’s why when he’s dead, I’ll- OOF”

He was interrupted by the surprise before he could finish whatever was at the end of his horrible rant, as Dainix grabbed him by the collar and pulled him to meet face-to face. Dainix wasn’t that much taller, but in that moment he appeared to tower over him.

“Listen.”

For once, the brash human was speechless. His reaction to Dainix’s outburst made it look like he’d never been on this end of one.

Dainix didn’t care.

“If you think I’m just going to stand by while you threaten his life and safety, then you’re completely wrong! I don’t care how much of a hunter you consider yourself to be. If you don’t back off and see that what you’re doing is wrong, then you are not a protector. You’re someone who people need to be protected from.”

“B-but- that beast-”

“That ferin is minding his own business, and has posed no danger to anyone here. He’s just trying to live! And if you dare to come anywhere near him,” Dainix’s voice became low and threatening, the sound of raging wildfire that would destroy any who provoked its wrath, “you’ll have to deal with me.”

Finally, Dainix let go. Then, he stormed off.

This time, the arrogant man didn’t follow him.

In their shared time in the castle, Falst had never seen Dainix slam a door. Especially not one so large as one of the massive double doors at the main entrance. It was pretty impressive, actually. That was a heavy door.

When the loud SLAM died down, Dainix spent a couple moments staring at it, while breathing deeply enough for the sound to echo in the large hall.

“Falst?” Dainix called out, “you near? I got you something.”

Normally Falst wouldn’t dream to coming close to someone clearly angry, much less let them know he was there.

“Yeah,” Falst called back, poking his head out from one of the alcoves near the ceiling, “what is it?”

Dainix’s demeanor immediately changed once he spotted Falst. Smiling, he pulled something small from one of the bags on his belt. “There was a street merchant selling these, I thought you’d like.”

Falst leapt down and snatched from Dainix’s hand something wrapped in a napkin, uncovering it to find a frosted piece of cake.

“So you did notice I like sweets.”

“I suspected, yeah.”

Falst was fairly certain the rising temperature in his cheeks wasn’t that noticeable. “Thanks.”

“Also I should probably warn you,” Dainix said nervously, “there was someone I encountered in the village that I’m worried will… will cause problems for you.”

“Most would. Why do you think I stay away from people?” Except you, apparently.

“I know, but the things this guy was saying…”

Falst listened to Dainix’s description while enjoying the actually really delicious treat he’d been given.

“Oh,” Falst said with his mouth full, “I know who you’re talking about.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. He talks big but he’s really more like the over-dramatic villain in a children’s story. Honestly I only recognize him ‘cause he's the only guy still actively trying to get me.”

“Yeah, about that.” Dainix rubbed his neck with one hand, “I may have lost my cool, and threatened that if I ever saw him come close to you, he’d have to deal with me first.”

Falst paused just before taking another bite of the cake, forgetting himself for a moment and staring at Dainix in shock. “You’re kidding.”

“I’m not. Sorry if I overstepped. Just because I lost my temper doesn’t mean-”

“Are you kidding?” Falst interrupted, “I wish I could’ve seen the look on his face! Don’t get me wrong, I can defend myself just fine, otherwise I probably wouldn’t be alive right now. But seriously,” Falst gripped the treat in his hand, careful not to squish it into a complete mess, “I don’t anyone’s ever done that for me before.”

“Well, protecting people is kind of my job,” Dainix smiled, “and even if it weren’t, that’s what friends do.”

Friends?

Falst actually turned his face away to hide the blush that was definitely getting visible. He hurriedly searched his brain for a subject change.

“Well, maybe if I’m lucky that’ll be enough to make them let go of their grudge. It’s not like a lacrima and some outdated rumors are even worth it anyway.”

Falst realized his mistake as soon as he said it.

“Lacrima?”

Falst tried to think of something to change the topic again, but this time he came up empty.

“That wouldn’t happen to be a random example, huh?”

“I just… never mind. It’s a long story.”

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Falst pursed his lips. Fuck it, I might as well, there’s no reason not to as this point.

“...Fine. How much of what you heard says that the monster living here is a chimera?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hated Gaston so much as a kid so this was very satisfying to write :) Also Dainix going "stay tf away from my bf" wasn't in my initial plan but kind of just happened and ended up working super well.

Remember to drink water, eat food, take your meds (if applicable), and get enough sleep. Love you all, and have a great [insert time here]! <3

[safaiagem]

Ten Years Gone - Series Masterpost

I'm not usually one to write well outside of canon. Usually, I'll go with canon divergence or something like that, but the Ten Years Gone series is probably the biggest exception to that rule. I saw a tumblr post about a Supernatural AU that got stuck in my head, I signed up for the Teen Wolf Big Bang after that fandom sucked me in, and it was all downhill from there. To this day, (Take Away This) Ball and Chain, the first in the series, is one of my highest in terms of kudos and hits. Parts one through six were written between late 2012 to late 2013. I returned in 2016 for part seven because I always had vague ideas for two more entries, and as part of my 2020 pandemic writing spree, I finally finished the final entry in the series. This is one the rare series marked as "completed" and I don't plan on changing it. The fics range from PG-13/T for Teens to R/M for Mature and vary in length from 25k+ multi-chapter fics to one-shots that are only a couple thousand words long. It spans eight total works and a total word count of 144,420. Links and details about the stories are below.

"I'm never gonna leave you I never gonna leave Holdin' on, ten years gone Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone Ten years gone, holdin' on" Ten Years Gone Song by Led Zeppelin

(Take Away This) Ball and Chain AO3 and Livejournal Words: 42,847 Rating: M When Derek Hale was sixteen years old, he lost everything he loved in the fire. Desperate for his family, he tried to make a deal with a crossroads demon named Stiles. Stiles turned him down, and Derek reluctantly tried to move on with his life. Six years later, Derek is a hunter, and when he receives word that Stiles might have known more about the fire than he let on that night, Derek decides to hunt him down. What he finds when he finally captures Stiles is not what he expects, and the two of them might have a common enemy.

The Pit AO3 and Livejournal Words: 6,426 Rating: M Summary: Stiles had suffered The Pit a second time for Derek, but the memories still lingered far too close to the surface. Getting holy water thrown in his face didn't really help, either.

Turn It Up To Eleven AO3 and Livejournal Words: 18,117 Rating: M Summary: For the six years following the death of his family, Derek was a hunter who was a monster that hunted monsters, but now he has a partner. Stiles is a demon, and after they took care of a mutual enemy, now they work flawlessly together. They are partners that hunt, trust each other, and happen to sleep together on the side. Now, they are stuck in a fantasy world where everything is amplified. As Derek and Stiles try to find a way back, they struggle with doubt about which world is real. And what feelings are real.

Spare Me The Details AO3 and Livejournal Words: 3,635 Rating: T Summary: Laura did not consider herself a normal alpha.

Toxic AO3 and Livejournal Words: 2,417 Rating: T Summary: Lydia didn't have to explain herself to anyone; she was the King of the Crossroads, and she wasn't about to start now.

Innocence In Being Human AO3 and Livejournal Words: 27,737 Rating: M Summary: Seven years after the death of his family, Derek Hale is a hunter who returns to Beacon Hills for the first time. Stiles, his partner and possibly more, is a demon that seems to be doing everything in his power to get them to leave as soon as possible. People are dying from attacks, though, and Derek can't just walk away from that. When one such attack hits too close to home, Derek knows he'll see this through to the end. While searching for information, Derek and Stiles get caught in a trap that taps into strong magic that turns them both into humans. Now stripped of any power, Derek and Stiles struggle to fight against something much stronger than them, whose end goal might be more sinister than they originally thought.

That Silver Shell We Call The Moon AO3 and Livejournal Words: 9,402 Rating: M Summary: For the majority of her life, Allison Argent had been hunting.

Rebirth Is Born of Neither Flesh nor Blood AO3 and Livejournal Words: 33,659 Rating: M Summary: Following the incident in Beacon Hills, Derek Hale has started traveling with his sister and with Stiles, even though they don't get along that great. His instincts and Laura's are a little messed up after nearly losing each other. They are planning on going on some hunts as a group until things settle down, but Stiles seems uneasy but won't say about what. Stiles is a demon; he often keeps things to himself, but as they move further north along the western coast, Derek begins to get the impression that they are heading into something that could be their biggest test so far.

[kotikaleo]

GOOD JOB JOEL!!!

MAKE IT WILD!!!

Just a small doodle I made a few days ago, right before actually watching the finaly XD. That's why his design is from double life.... Double life with me forever.

MAYBE when I will watch his pov for Wild Life I will redraw that with more accurate design

[stump-not-found]

Is there a post schedule for Thesus Guide? Or is it updated just whenever? Asking to see if I should be marking my calendars or not :3

we're on break right now! please expect at min a 2 month delay, since that's about as long as the first half took to write, not counting for the editing, which i had been doing during posting (which was a mistake im doing editing WELL before i start posting again)

truthfully it may be a longer wait as the second half is looking to be longer than the first lol . but i like writing in batches so i can edit things to make sure late plot beats are set up in early chapters

i'll be sure to give plenty of heads up when the story is about to start up again, tho :D

[beneathsilverstars]

my kid is getting so into the warrior cats it's so cute. she gets all dismayed whenever the cats do something mean or strict, she's always like "if i was there, i would let firepaw eat something, i would catch a mouse and give it to him." or "wow, yellowfang is SO mean, if i was a cat i would hiss and scratch her!" like yes queen go off!!! you would be the nicest warrior cat in the clan!

[unordinaries]

presented without comment

(chapters 280 + 344)

[solar-halos]

for this mood board monday, i present yet another ficboard. the board in question is of franka by @ongreenergrasses

[owlf45]

How is the beginning of the chapter going? You mentioned that's the part you were having issues with

what if.. i just. posted 3k word chapters. maybe even... 5k word chapters. like a normal person. but no, my brain screams. i have to be mentally ill with 20k word chapters or else something terrible will befall me!!!! for some UNGODLY REASON!!!!