#which is what she resorts too when pushing too much energy

[getreadytosmash]

Been playing with some piccrews lately and forgot to post em here! Mostly these are just gamma kids de-powered

[kimetsu-no-yaiba-writings]

Akaza x pregnant demon reader (she's pregnant by him) sfw +nsfw headcanons

Ask and you shall receive! Thank you for requesting anon, I hope that you enjoy and that I've done your request justice.

If you want to request something for Akaza - or anyone else - then my askbox is always open and ready to receive, so slide something my way again when you have time (^__^.)

I'll be putting the NSFW headcanons beneath a 'Keep Reading' line, so minors DNI

And just as a final thing,

Akkkkkkaaaazzzaa (ﾉ∀`♥) My beloved!

Akaza with a pregnant S/O - SFW + NSFW Headcanons:

SFW:

Upon first finding out that your pregnant this man is frozen in the spot before actually crying

Gets extra protective

Doesn't like being away from your side for more then 20 minutes

He is absolutely a hover.... he's always by your side

Will attack on sight if he thinks anyone - and i mean anyone - looks like they might cause you and the little bean harm

Makes sure that there's nothing in the house that could potentially harm you - "I'm sanding down the corners cause i don't want them to poke you or harm you!"

Straight up tells Muzan that he's caring for his wife + baby so won't be doing anything else unless it helps his family - does this mid-meeting and then leaves

Somehow always comes back with something new, baby books (books for new parents), clothes for the baby and toys

No matter how random the cravings if he can't make it, he'll buy you it - and if he can't get it at all then he resorts to hugging you with apology after apology falling from his lips

"You want Teriyaki glazed apple slices with honey rice? AND spicy noodles with broth and boiled eggs...will your stomach even be able to handle that?"

Makes sure to stock up on snacks that you enjoy - keeps them in places you can't reach

When it gets to the point that he can feel the baby kick akaza is glued to you even more - Face and/or hand placed against your tummy to feel the baby with a soft coo + smile

Comes up with a thousand nicknames for the baby - e.g. baby bean, firecracker, little kicker - and no, he will not stop

Buys you bigger + airy clothes so your comfortable

Massages your shoulders, back and ankles when you complain of pain and soreness - When he's not there he buys a wheat bag which you can heat up

Lots more cushions and blankets around the house so your comfy and never get cold

Gets you one of those pregnancy pillows

Has a notebook filled with baby names, what toys re good for babies, what they should be sleeping and playing with - he's honestly very prepared for this child

Somehow managed to rope Kokushibou into helping make and paint the baby's room - as well as giving him advice on what to anticipate as a dad

NSFW:

Incredibly gentle with you - not that he wasn't before - especially since your so much more sensitive

He's more focused on making sure that your comfortable, so sticks to a couple of positions that don't harm/hurt your body - although he does enjoy reverse cowgirl and you on all fours (with your head and arms resting so you don't have the baby weight hurting you)

Sometimes standing up if you have the energy

Also enjoys sex while spooning

Spends more time preparing you - oral and fingers until your essence coats your shaking thighs as well as his face and hands

His hands wander, pinch and soothe your thighs, hips and chest until you whine to get touched more

Isn't gonna fuck you against the counter as much as he used too but he'll eat you out with vigor instead

Lots of over-stimulation - sometimes accidentally but usually on purpose with a smirk and a rumbling purr in his chest

More creampies!

Enjoy's pushing his cum back into your twitching hole afterwards - tracing shapes into your clit with it as he hums as your hips jump and thighs twitch at his touch

His breeding kink really kicks into full swing

The feeling of sliding into your wet plush heat without protection makes him even more feral especially now that you pregnant - its like knowing that your already filled with him, already baring a child, makes his brain works at a mile-a-minute

Won't admit that seeing how heavy + full your breasts get with milk - and how you glow the rounder your tummy gets - goes straight to his cock

....absolutely gonna drink your milk - a dark lust filling his eyes as he runs his tongue along your tender nipple before taking it into his mouth with an obscene moan

Will absolutely play with your nipples until your a whimpering and whining mess or until milk comes out

Kisses are more desperate - planting open mouthed kisses along the column of your throat before locking your lips together

Leaves hickies along your breasts and shoulders alot more

takes things slower and gentler

[puttersmile]

Why I like Dogday x Bobby Bearhug

Working off of my last Crittertember post, posting the shipping manifesto for the four of you who are just dying to know, lol.

Part 1 of Post: Here. Just a lot of pictures.

I guess I should start with how I started liking the ship in the first place. As best as I can remember it started with a mildly intense obsession with the Smiling Critters after seeing them in Poppy Playtime Chapter 3. Their carboard soundboards specifically intrigued me. As a fandom we really had ziltch to work with so maybe I was hyper-analyzing their phrases to see if anything could be gleamed from them.

There isn't much unless we are meant to believe Picky is literally a cannibal. I don't think so? I think the voice lines have been corrupted by the metric ton of death that happened within the factory. Be it as it may, what little we fanon-ize about the critters, a lot of it is probably coming from those soundboards.

A post about this already exists on tumblr but at some random point I thought, "Weird Bobby Bearhug and Dogday's cut outs sound like they are talking to one another." Not sure how my brain jumped to that conclusion but it did. As seen in this post with some old oogly art I drew.

And then @meowcola made my dream come true by editing the two voices together. Yhaass! For this I am forever grateful to my fellow shipper.

I don't think any of the other critter's voice lines bounce off of each other as well as these two do (admittedly with slight editing), or even at all. But Bobby and Dogday's cutouts almost seem to have a conversation that don't work played against any of the others. Dogday trying to push someone away that he cares for and Bobby desperately trying to stay with someone she cares for.

Dogday's fall is he cares too much.

Bobby's fall is she doesn't care enough. For herself.

Obviously they are talking to the player actually but my fanon ship brain interpreted it differently. I guess from there, albeit a doomed one, I shipped this ship fairly hard.

The rest of this rambling essay under the cut:

Why I think they work:

Dogday and Bobby’s relationship is mostly about balance. While Dogday’s the brave and daring leader of the group (except when there's a thunderstorm—he tries), Bobby’s the physically strong yet practical one. She’s a total powerhouse,(literal mama bear energy) ready to protect when needed, but only as a last resort. Dogday loves how protective she is, and Bobby really appreciates his loyalty, especially since it helps with her self-worth issues.

One of Bobby’s biggest insecurities is that she believes she’s annoying to her friends. Even though it’s clear she’s not, in the back of her mind, she constantly second-guesses her actions. She’ll wonder if hugging someone is the right move in the moment or if she’s overstepping. Dogday, on the other hand, is someone who thrives on affection and would never get tired of Bobby’s hugs, making him the perfect counter to her uncertainty.

Both of them would share a strong sense of humor, which helps them face life’s challenges with optimism. Dogday is especially good at this.  They know how to lighten the mood and bring joy to each other’s lives, even when the weight of everything starts to creep in.

Bobby’s also got a knack for stepping in when Dogday forgets to take care of himself. She’s nurturing, and in return, Dogday reminds her she’s worth it, which she sometimes forgets. Though Bobby’s not Dogday’s second-in-command (that’s usually Bubba Bubbaphant), she’s the one Dogday confides in emotionally when leadership wears him down.

Over time, Bobby finds herself leaning on Dogday, too, sharing her deepest insecurities and struggles with him.

What really makes them work is how much everyone trusts Bobby. She’s the keeper of everyone’s secrets because they just naturally open up to her. And eventually, Dogday becomes her rock, giving them this deep emotional connection where they’re both vulnerable and open with each other.

Bobby’s practicality also helps balance out Dogday’s crazier ideas. She rarely says “no” outright, but she’s good at restructuring them to make things safer or less chaotic. If safety’s not the issue, then they’re often the ones mediating when their friends have disagreements. They’ve both learned the importance of compromise and work together to bring peace to any tense situation.

I feel like their brief character descriptions show how good they would both be at this.

They’re known as the “mom and dad” of the group, always looking out for everyone’s physical and emotional well-being.

It’s funny how differently they approach things, like planning events—Dogday’s spontaneous energy versus Bobby’s structured organization—but they still make a great team.

In public, they’ve got this super cute Barbie/Ken - Mickey&Minnie vibe, showing their love for each other without hesitation. It’s strong, proud, and they never shy away from letting everyone know how much they mean to each other!

Character flaws/dark side of the ship:

At their darkest, Bobby and Dogday have some pretty complex flaws. Bobby, when she’s at her worst, can be manipulative. She’s got this way of playing on people’s emotions, sometimes twisting things to suit her needs, all while wearing a caring face. It’s like she knows people trust her and she uses that to her advantage, especially if she’s feeling insecure or threatened.

On the flip side, Dogday’s biggest weakness is his fear of hurting others. He’ll go to great lengths to avoid conflict, even if it means letting himself be hurt. He’s so afraid of causing pain or upsetting someone that he’ll bottle up his own feelings or allow himself to be taken advantage of.

This combination can be dangerous when their issues align, with Bobby’s manipulation and Dogday’s passive acceptance creating a pretty toxic dynamic in their worst moments. Thankfully this outcome is incredibly hard for me to see happening. It is still a possibility though.

(In some messed up but interesting fanfiction)

Other Stuff:

On the wiki I saw something incredibly minute but decided to go ahead and make something of it.  There is the idea, at least, that Dogday is named after “Dogstar” aka Sirius, the brightest star in the night sky. If you think about Dogday being associated with Sirius, the Dog Star, and Bobby representing Ursa Major aka The Big Dipper, in my mind it symbolizes how their relationship works.

Sirius is the brightest star, leading the way, just like Dogday, who's bold, full of energy, and always guiding others. Bobby, on the other hand, is like Ursa Major—steady, reliable, and always there to support.

Their relationship reflects that balance: Dogday’s light and leadership are complemented by Bobby’s protective, grounding nature. Together, they’re like two guiding forces—he lights the way, and she provides the strength and stability needed to stay on course.

It’s almost like he can shine brighter because he knows she’s there, holding things together.

And for Bobby, Dogday is the spark that keeps her moving forward, even when she feels uncertain.

It’s also cool how Ursa Major is used for navigation, like Bobby helps Dogday find his way emotionally. Meanwhile, Sirius has been a marker of important times like the "dog days" of summer or the flooding of the Nile river, (The flooding of the Nile is celebrated btw, it's a good thing) just as Dogday marks big changes in Bobby’s life.

They balance each other out like the constellations they represent: one a guiding light, the other a steady, protective force in the background.

I think about the cardboard cutout order. Bobby and Dogday are among the last supposedly, holding out even longer than the athletic Hoppy. I interpret that to mean Bobby on her own has a strong will and some amount of bravery.

Not to throw shade at the others who fell before, as it could have all come down to bad luck.(or bad platforming skills--burn.)  But I bring the “possible” death order up as some might say Bobby’s sweet and caring nature means she is weak or useless. I don’t think so.

This is also why I characterize Bobby as sort of a lady-like yet cute bruiser. Dogday is brave but not the strongest critter by far.  Dogday is  Zelda and Bobby is Link lol.  Bobby Bearhug is his knight in fluffy armor, and Dogday is Bobby’s warm home.

There is a tragedy to this. If Bobby was one of the last two  with Dogday in the game. (Going by the order the cardboard cutouts are seen.) I imagine she was doing her best to support him, only for Dogday to abandon Bobby near the end. As the leader, Dogday did what he thought was best and it broke her, ultimately ending them both.

How the relationship Helps them grow:

Not wanting to end this on a down note I’ll speak a bit more on how the relationship enhances both of them.

Bobby’s practical, more thoughtful approach doesn’t just temper Dogday’s adventurous spirit as what may be expected from a dynamic like this. In fact it enhances his daring. 

Yes, it'll ease him off riskier behavior but it enables him to be a more successful leader with her providing safety nets and or foundations for him to be confident. It's not just him willing confidence from within, there's another external pillar to  bolster his confidence. That pillar being her secret knowledge of their friends. While Bobby won't be spilling secrets, she'd certainly know how to guide Dogday in the right direction when it comes to helping the others.

She helps ensure that his ideas are successful and safe, so he'll not only be able to focus his energy on particulars but he'll have the confidence to be the best leader he can be, knowing he won't just come crashing down to earth.  

In turn Dogday's boundless energy, brings joy and spontaneity to Bobby’s more grounded maybe reserved, structured world.  Though she is strong she likely tends to fall back to what's familiar, to what's safe. There is strength in the familiar in the sense of you know for sure you are strong here, but out there things may be more uncertain. 

Out there you can feel weak. At least that's the perception for some with issues of self worth. But now with his energy, his enthusiasm, his optimism, and his light, she'll have the freedom to step out of her usual comfort zones and perhaps be more than she may have imagined. 

Sooo yeah. This ship is not bad. Nor is it boring. I'll never understand how this sentiment came about. Opposites attract isn't the only way a relationship can be interesting. Okay people?

 And that is all that I have to say! Thanks for listening to my CritterTalk.

[creamyavocadosoup]

𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐢 𝐛𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐫?

a/n: hi everyone!! thank you so much for 1k likes across my works! i was in actual disbelief when i got that notif. i thank you all so much for the love. i dont rly do celebration posts and such but i still thank you all sm for it ( ˘͈ ᵕ ˘͈♡) i haven't had much chance to write this piece so its been sitting in the drafts for a little bit but!! i have a break coming up so im hoping to do some writing then. also this is not proofread so forgive me.

characters: rtte!hiccup x fem!reader

tags: angst, hurt/comfort, unrequited (?) pining, hiccup being angy, mentions of not eating and getting hurt, almost fainting, implied almost death (astrid), near death experience, fighting, blood (got wounded)

here's part 2: take a chance with me

The salty breeze wrapped around me like a comforting blanket, sounds of the waves crashing on the shore almost lulling me to sleep after such a long couple of days. Had it not been for the sweat rolling off me, or the ache in each movement, I would have no doubt fallen asleep.

"She almost died, [Name]!" his voice boomed, his gaze so piercing it had me pinned frozen in the clubhouse across from him.

"We had a plan and you didn't stick to it. Gods knows what would have happened if the rest of the team hadn't been there to clean up your mess," he looked at me, the disappointment so apparent in his eyes it burned through the protective barrier around my heart, "And now they got away with the Dragon Eye!" his hands banged on the table, the loud noise nearly scaring me half to death and causing me to jump in my spot.

Astrid almost died. Because of me.

My throat ached, feeling like it loathed with the body it was in, rejecting this emotion that coursed through my body so intensely. My eyes burned, so terribly that I had nearly convinced myself they were acid, all in an attempt to swallow down the emotions and hope to tuck them in a corner of my mind somewhere, never to be seen or felt again.

"Maybe I was a fool to think you were ready for this." he muttered under his breath, but I heard it so clearly and the rest of the riders did too.

The said blonde laid a hand on Hiccup's shoulder, silently asking him to take a breather and calm for a moment, but he only shook it off, the irritation still clearly running hot in his veins. He stormed off, hurriedly flying away with Toothless, not a single glance back at me.

Astrid only sighed, silently approaching me, and the rest of the gang stood motionless on the other side of the room. Even the twins were uncharacteristically quiet, which had unnerved me more than I had let on. She rubbed my shoulders, allowing me words of comfort but I hadn't heard any of it despite looking right at her.

I mumbled a few words before scurrying off, making a beeline for my hut and hoping to shroud myself in the four walls and indulge in isolation. I thanked Thor for a moment due to my hut being farther than the main base, giving me ample privacy.

My emotions had only caused me to hit the targets harder, to push myself further, until I was sure something like this wouldn't happen again. What if Hiccup was right?

My winged companion whined worriedly beside me but I was too far past the point of comprehension to even realize that I was littered in tiny cuts and bruises, and my limbs had ached for a while now. But I ignored it, not even close to being content with my progress in training.

I laid in my bed, nearly motionless for the past 24 hours. Not even the sound of multiple knocks and quips from the different riders, nor my stomach growling had given me any energy to move. All my windows had been shut, allowing little to no sunlight into the room. The darkness had allowed for me to continuously slip in and out of slumber, the time passing faster than I thought it was due to it.

By the third day, I had resorted to aggressively cleaning every inch of my house, not wanting to drown in the thoughts and providing myself with a distraction. I still hadn't opened the door but had at least opened a few windows to let in some light.

Hiccup coming to knock on my door almost had me stopping in my tracks, but I chose to tune him out, not wanting to deal with that whole situation at the moment. I needed time to process the emotions and think clearly and rationally before I could face him again. I needed to improve and be sure there's been a significant improvement before he can see me again.

It took me four days, four whole days, to allow the simmering emotions to bubble over and explode to whatever mess I had become now. On a random beach at another island, training like my life depended on it with virtually no one but my dragon as my witness, and it was comforting to say the least.

The guilt from Hiccup's words had hit me like a truck, the possible outcomes of my choices in the heat of the moment and how it had almost cost one of my closest friends' lives. It made frustration build up inside me with each missed blow, each kick, each strike.

I had gotten so absorbed in my own emotions that I didn't hear or even notice the multiple footsteps of unwanted guests on the same beach. All I heard was the violent roar of my dragon and I turned around to see one of the Dragon Hunters on the ground.

I readily hurried my stance, thanking the Gods I was already holding one of my weapons, and cursed to myself. 'Fuck how did they manage to sneak up on me? Was I really that distracted?'

My vision flit between the hunters as they slowly and carefully stepped towards me, their weapons glinting under the sun. I knew I was at a disadvantage, my bruised and battered body would not be able to out-fight all of them. So I have to be smart, and figure out a way to get out unscathed.

It was quiet as we only stared at each other. This was odd, I thought, why aren't they attacking? Before I could ask questions, a familiar voice caught my attention as he walked up from the ship and onto shore.

"Ryker." I spat. Gripping my weapon tightly, I glared at the man in front of me.

"Quite good timing that I catch you here alone, hm?" He smirked, crossing his arms as he looked down at me, "Take her and her dragon." He ordered, the men around him charging at me at once from all different directions.

Over my dead body, I thought, no way are they taking my dragon! "[D/N] let's go!" The sound of metals clashing and explosions were all I heard as I parried all oncoming attacks my way as best I could and so did my dragon.

Heavy breathing and heavy limbs were all I felt as I slowed and struggled to keep up with my enemies. In a moment of weakness, I felt a blade slash through my side. Warm blood quickly trickled down my hip as I screamed out in pain.

A loud roar was all I heard before seeing a big explosion and my enemies knocked unconscious onto the floor. My dragon wasted no time and hurriedly picked me up before flying away to return to the edge, narrowly missing the arrows being shot our way.

I breathed heavily, clutching my side with one hand in an attempt to stop the bleeding, and my other holding onto my dragon so I don't fall into the ocean. The ride had felt extremely long and I could feel myself slipping from reality as more blood poured from the wound.

Blearily, I looked around my surroundings as I felt myself being placed softly onto what smelt like grass. I barely recognized my hut in the near distance and the garden I was growing beside it as my dragon hurriedly grabbed medical supplies.

Thankfully he already knew which ones to grab from seeing me patch up the other riders over and over again, and brought over gauzes and pastes. I huffed and groaned, trying and dragged to prop myself on a nearby tree to properly dress my wound.

"[D/N], get me water... water please." I was feeling exhausted but I knew subconsciously that I couldn't fall asleep now, or it would create even more difficult consequences.

My winged friend quickly grabs and brings over a pail of water to me. Taking off my armor and lifting my shirt, which was already slashed through anyways, I assessed my wound and figured it hadn't gone deep enough to rupture any organs or I would have much worse symptoms.

While cleaning my wound, a soft thumping and pairs of footsteps sounded before they spoke. "[Name]? Where are you? What happened?"

I didn't speak, focusing on stitching myself up and not crying. [D/N] however quickly beckoned them over and they quickened their paces, soon surrounding me with their bodies. The riders were shocked upon seeing my state and Hiccup had briskly told all of them to turn away from me.

Familiar warm hands were placed on my arms, "[Name]," Hiccup spoke softly. My vision blurred and my throat tightened, making it harder to stop the tears from falling, "Let me help you with that. Please." His voice was small yet firm, a hint of pleading lying underneath. Yet it was still caring, and warm, and it filled the cracking crevices in my resolve as I pulled away to let him work.

"Astrid, refill the bucket. Fishlegs, grab me more gauze and paste. And get some of the stuff Gothi gave us." The two nodded, ambling away quietly as Hiccup diligently worked on my wound. "Ruffnut, Tuffnut, and Snotlout, grab one of her shirts and get her hut prepared." Surprisingly, there wasn't any complaints or jokes from the trio, only diligent nods and they went straight to work. Thus the only sound between us was the soft rustling of the trees in the wind, and my voice hissing at the pain of being stitched up.

"It was-" I gulped, trying to swallow down the burning feeling, "It was Ryker." Hiccup's hands stopped only for a moment and stayed quiet, so I took it as a sign to continue.

"He-He ambushed me. While I was on another island, training." I added, however the pain had teetered into being unbearable causing a whimper to escape my throat.

Luckily Hiccup had finished with the needle and moved onto wrapping it, an ever-present ache there but it was much better than the searing pain I had felt moments ago. Hiccup reached beside me and covered my chest with my torn shirt.

"I'm sorry."

I slowly blinked my eyes as I raised my head to take a good look at his face. His hair was disheveled, more than usual, and his under-eyes slightly darker. He had this seemingly perpetual small furrow in between his brows.

But his eyes were still that beautiful green that I had fallen in love with at first sight. One could argue that his slightly bloodshot eyes complimented the green but I couldn't feel much happiness knowing it was because he was losing sleep over me.

His voice was quiet, dripping with sorrow and regret and it had me pursing my lips, my heart feeling tight.

"I'm sorry I said those things. They were out of anger but they don't excuse how it had hurt you." he continued, his pinky carefully linking with mine. He was testing the waters, afraid I would push him away once more but to be honest, I was too tired to even formulate a response.

"Hiccup..." I whispered, softly curling my finger around his. He looked into my eyes, hesitant to hear what I would say.

"I'm tired." I breathed out. My eyes blinked often, already on the verge to dreamland. He nods wordlessly, picking me up with barely any effort it seems, and bringing me inside my hut. Thankfully it seems like the twins and Snotlout have already finished with cleaning up my place.

Hiccup helped me into the shirt they picked before tucking me into my bed. His hands were comforting, brushing away loose hairs from my face. But it was fleeting, much like most of his touches towards me. Like it burned him, or he was disgusted by it.

He makes sure I'm settled well but before he could get comfy on the edge of the bed beside me, Astrid's voice is heard through the door. "Hiccup?" she calls, and his head quickly whips to the direction of her.

A small frown creeps up onto my face yet thankfully Hiccup only thinks of it as caused by my injury when he turns back to look at me. He smiles, a little unsure and an unfamiliar emotion in his eyes, as he reaches out to tuck a stray hairs away from my face.

"Sleep well. I'll be right here." he murmured. I only heard the soft sound of wood creaking and warm, green eyes before falling asleep.

note: guys,,, i've been gone so long?? literally ive been so busy T-T also got friendzoned before the summer so that was great. ANYWAYS!! if u liked this, i would so love to hear ur thoughts. and!! there may or may not be a part two to this too hehe

[mako-neexu]

from anon of @nasuversekinkmeme: gudako is trapped in a singularity/lostbelt/situation which can only be escaped by relaxing and taking at least one goddamn break 

There it was, written in the sky, in words made from a jet’s smoke: “The Singularity can only be solved when the Master of Chaldea relaxes to the fullest.”

“P.S. There’s no tricks here, Senpai. Just do what is written above, teehee~”

Actually, Mash was in on this. She was to be the guide for Senpai as the Servants organized the facilities with them as its host and even went this far to create a singularity. Normally, she’d be opposed to it…

But Senpai has been running herself ragged to the point where it reminded her of Doctor Roman’s exhaustion. It really hurts seeing her push herself even farther after defeating ORT.

Each minute Singularity spawned, each time she’s got silver and golden apples to spare, she threw herself in simulations and battles to earn them mana and replenishable resources while in the destination. 

Even King Hassan and Edmond Dantes (who rose from Senpai’s shadow that one time she was eating in the cafeteria late at night. Mash definitely walked in on them like that.) advised her to rest! 

Yet, she just smiled it off.

Senpai’s body collapsing in the middle of a fight was the last straw, with the dark circles under her eyes pushing it.

BB had been the one to tell her that the Operation: Just Fucking Sleep was in the works last week, and she even produced a brochure and a manual for her to memorize. Of course, Mash had been skeptical. But even BB, BB was seriously concerned for Senpai’s well-being.

So here they were, in a large resort complete with a theme park, vast fields of different flowers and forests, several restaurants, other buildings, and they somehow managed to fit the Tokyo Dome too. Overall, it both looked chaotic and organized at the same time.

Mash looked at Ritsuka brightly, who was forced to wear new casual attire mystic codes along with her, “So, Senpai, there’s a map and some VIP passes over there. Shall we see what to enjoy first?”

Ritsuka’s response was to yawn and tap on her communicator, “Hold on a sec, Mash.” And she tapped on her communicator, only to see static. “We’re cut off from Chaldea? The magical energy isn’t that dense though? I think it’s just around 40%-ish”

…It seriously was concerning that Senpai can gauge the mana density alone even without the help of their detectors.

“A-Anyways, Senpai,” Mash held her hand and led her to a small table containing their passes and maps. “Yesterday, I heard you wanted to see a boyband from some of the male Servants? We didn’t get the chance to see them much during that time with Miss Crane after all. And look, Senpai! There’s even hot springs located in the north-east!”

Mash was trying her best.

She really, really was trying to make Ritsuka’s attention go to the more interesting ones, the ones she was sure she wanted to see. Like Mandricardo, Kintoki, Fergus and others forming a band, enjoying the beach without ANYTHING going wrong.

There’s an observatory with Erice and Voyager managing it, and there’s another theater dedicated to plays and classical music, with Mozart, Marie, and Salieri managing it (barely, uh, considering their relationship).

The streets and sights were also built close to Senpai’s hometown with a few modifications from Servants that make it both look different yet the same. Heck, there’s even NPCs to help make it an experience where it’s not completely a ghost town with only them to enjoy it.

There’s even lucky spots to roll gacha on (definitely not blessed with Merlin and Lady Avalon’s magic) to which would ease the pain of losing all the crystals Senpai saved in her phone.

But no. Ritsuka’s gaze was fixated on the top left corner of the map, where a bright-pink and evil looking double ‘B’ was pasted on an ordinary looking building.

Senpai waved her hand and hummed, “Let’s do that later, Mash. Let’s see first what BB really wants from us. Last time she did something like this, we were stuck in a time loop.”

Noooo- that would defeat the purpose of the Singularity!

“Oberon is running a hot dog stand, Senpai.” She blurted out, trying to find a way to loosen Ritsuka up.

But she only laughed and took a swig of her energy drink (where did she get that??? Mash swore that was the brand of energy drink more potent than pure acid) “Pfft- shit, let’s bully him with Castoria later, lol. Let’s see him after we determine our next course of action to get the Grail.”

Mash pouted, “But Senpai, BB already said it in the sky to relax-”

And then she started making her way down the hill they were on, Ritsuka turned her back and grinned, “And don’t worry! I’ve got plenty of apples in store just in case we need to farm some currency again. Also, I saw a shop there that sells eight hundred Proof of Hero and a fuckton of Gems!? There’s a bonus three million QP every item too! Gah, I seriously need it for Ordeal Call!”

…And Senpai, who was used to grinding to the point of making sure her things to exchange were at least in the ten-thousands if the shop has just a few of what they need, and then there’s here, where it’s basically paradise…Mash realized something:

They were never gonna get out of here, huh?

[probssomethingorother]

Whumptober No. 1 !

post-episode 8 hurt/comfort with a dash of angst

Ellie & Joel One-Shot

When she had skipped all her meals, he decided that today - day three, night four - if she didn’t eat by dinner, he would do more than just say, “okay…we’ll give it another go tomorrow.” Her body couldn’t just wait until tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow. And that reality became scarily apparent to Joel not too far into the morning.

Finish reading it below the cut or on Ao3! but don't forget to drop a comment wherever you read :)

Push Through It:

The dim room was permeated with the continuous sound of dripping water. A slow, measured rhythm was created as droplets fell and splattered against an old, beaten-up plastic bucket situated in a corner. The cadence of the dripping was unexpectedly soothing, a stark contrast to the room's somber ambiance. Like the snow melting away outside, the palpable tension that had gripped them both for days seemed to be slowly ebbing away. 

But, it sure was slow. 

Ellie, though her sleep was restless and interspersed with occasional twitches or murmurs, seemed to be sleeping longer today - which seemed like progress.  With the quiet of the morning enveloping him, Joel busied himself with an old piece of wood, whittling into it, allowing the shavings to spiral and tumble listlessly onto his lap. The old leather recliner he was seated in creaked subtly under his weight; it matched the sofa on which Ellie lay. He tried to distract himself with the carving, but his thoughts kept wandering back to her. The sight of her, injured and bloodied outside that blazing restaurant was still vivid in his mind; and he tried not to stare, but ever since finding her the need to check she was with him was compulsive. His eyes would dart to her, always just a few feet away from him, confined to this small living space, but no matter how many times he checked, his brain worried that one time he would look up and find an empty couch - just like how he once looked up and found an empty basement, his Ellie gone. 

But of course, this house wasn’t the basement, this living room wasn’t the basement. Ellie was always in eye line. He had got her back, safe, maybe not sound. 

The couch wasn’t much of a bed for her, but the mattresses in the two bedrooms were black with mold and the living room furniture had been spared the same fate.  He had wished he could give her something better, but after literally stumbling into this house on the far side of the neighborhood- the furthest away from the resort and even further than the one Ellie had found for them- Joel had no energy to relocate when he came to find the state of the rooms. And apart from the unusable bedrooms, the rest of the place wasn’t half bad. The kitchen even blessed them with some supplies and some food - three cans of beans, one can of minestrone soup, a bag of brown rice, and a family-size can of pumpkin puree.

However, they had not made much of a dent in any of it. Both their appetites had been pretty non-existent since he was stabbed and she was .. well… traumatized. 

Ellie had remained closed-lipped about what went down while she was away from him. He knew it had to do with cannibals - he saw the bodies hanging, blood draining, ready to be parred into filets - but Joel also knew there was more to it than just that, more that had left her so anxious that her desire for food was stripped away. She endured something more that left her constantly nauseous, struggling to keep anything down once she forced it in. It had been days since finding her and he was sure her caloric intake was totaling maybe two hundred- if that.

Truthfully though, he wasn’t doing much better. Now not riding on the adrenaline of finding her, the pain outputting from his side was excruciating, and while he could push through the searing ache to be steady as he looked after her, Joel couldn’t will his body to ignore his own nausea tied to it all.  Still, he was fairing better than her, his body having much more excess to burn through while he purposefully steered away from food.  

It was easy to tell she was more fragile than before when they were last fully together - at the University - but it was hard to tell if it was just the poor nutrition or a mix of a myriad of other mental and physical things compounding together. She tried to keep them hidden, but Joel had gotten glimpses of the bruises plastering several areas of her body while they held up here - her shirt riding up her midriff when she withered around in her sleep on the couch, legs exposed when she switched into a pair of grey shorts when they washed her jeans, neck on full display when she leaned her head back over the sink for Joel to wash the carnage from her hair. He never said anything, but he knew each mark probably was weighing on her psyche more than its physical manifestation. 

Ellie used to be a bull in a china shop, but now she seemed like the porcelain on the verge of breaking.

He wanted to push her recovery along, get her to eat more, and build up her strength, but he feared it would break her. The risk of overwhelming her was a gamble Joel was hesitant to take. He didn’t want to be responsible for making her worse.

But that was also a two-way street. He couldn’t let her get worse. So, yesterday, when she had skipped all her meals, he decided that today - day three, night four - if she didn’t eat by dinner, he would do more than just say, “okay…we’ll give it another go tomorrow.” 

Her body couldn’t just wait until tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

And that reality became scarily apparent to Joel not too far into the morning. 

She awoke with a sharp intake of breath, a clear indication of a turbulent dream. Joel's gaze met hers from where he sat, but he remained still, not going to soothe her, remembering her dislike for being crowded - got an angry push out of it the other day from just sitting too close to her on the couch after the same situation. 

He raised an eyebrow, a silent inquiry about her well-being. She nodded slightly, her head brushing against the worn leather of the couch, before slowly sitting up.

For several minutes, she remained upright, her gaze distant as she processed the lingering fragments of her dream. Joel observed her carefully, noting the worsening bruises on her hairline and jaw, now a deeper shade of purple. Dark circles under her eyes stood out starkly against her pale skin. He hoped today would be the last day she awoke worse than when he had put her to bed, but Joel also knew the bruises would just turn another ugly shade of some other color as they healed, and every day he had to be confronted with them would be worse than the last. 

It pained him deeply.

“Nee- gonna go pee,” Ellie mumbled while rising to stand, a minuscule sway hitting her body as she came vertical. 

Setting his carving and knife on the armrest, Joel eased out of the recliner.  “Yeah, no problem,” he said gently, almost sweetly, ready to help her. Tenderness seemed to flow out of him now, rugged demeanor gone, like he was making up lost time for not being so gentle over the last several months.

“I’m not a baby, I can go pee by myself.” She asserted, waving him off as she turned toward the sliding door that led to the backyard. 

He had been escorting her out there each bathroom break, hovering within modesty while she did her business before leading them both back inside. The first night and morning it was a necessity. She was dizzy from hitting her head and her body ached so severely from being thrown around that she barely could move without toppling over. He held her upright as they made it outside and propped her up against the house, leaving an arm outstretched on the edge of her shoulder to keep her from careening into the ground, while he diverted his eyes and hummed to make her embarrassment a little less acute. The following days were better, transitioning from less and less aid with each go, but her request for no support was a bit jarring, especially since she still looked so unsteady on her feet. 

“You sure?”

“Yeah dude,” she mumbled as she hobbled away, body still rigid with lingering pain. She had been sleeping with her shoes on - ready if they needed to run - and they thudded softly as they slid across the cold hardwood, barely able to lift them as she walked.

The sight didn’t inspire any confidence in her abilities, and with a mix of concern and reluctance, Joel instinctively moved forward, trailing her. 

“Why don’t I-“

“I can do it, ” Ellie snapped, cutting him off. 

Her hands came to the handle of the slider and grasped it firmly, tugging it open hard with a clear grimace, her whole body jerking to the side with the effort. Joel swore he saw her eyes roll with a wave of dizziness at just the simple effort, but he held his tongue. He wasn’t going to fight her. 

“I’ll be back in like a second.” She told him as she crossed outside, cold air swarming in as she left the glass door open in her wake. 

Joel wrung his hands nervously as he stood alone in the living room, weight shifting from one foot to the other, every fiber of his being screaming at him to follow her - make sure she was safe. 

One second turned two, then three, and then it was a minute turning two and then three. 

A pit of dread settled in his stomach. His hands were going sweaty with worry. With a deep sigh, he made his way across the room and to the door, hoping to quell his anxieties with a simple check. 

He would just get a quick eye on her- that was it - keep his distance inside, poke his head through, and go back to his place in the middle of the living room.  She wanted space, so he would try to give her it as much as his anxious heart could bear. 

But, a quick peak quickly turned to Joel bursting through the door with a surge of adrenaline, eyes quickly locating her body flat in the snow. 

His feet hastily crunched through white powder, boots sinking in and slowing him down, tripping over his own feet as he flung himself forward. He didn’t shout for her, but his heart screamed to reach her. She was tantalizingly close, maybe fifty feet. She had tried to take a shortcut, moving diagonally from the corner of the house probably in an effort to save time,  but it had done just the opposite, too much for her. She should have just trailed the edge of the house, or relieved herself on the patio, where the walk was mere steps and the snow wasn’t so deep.

His heart thumped loudly inside his chest with each rushed step, fear filling every part of him. Joel quite literally dropped to his knees when he reached her, making his face twist in pain with the jerk, body still in no state to be moving like that, in a frantic panicky dash.

“Ellie?” He choked out, her name getting caught in his throat as his hand shakily hovered over her form, momentarily petrified with a fear that she was suddenly dead. 

An aneurism, a blood clot, internal bleeding…what if…so many things had the possibility of tearing her away from him in an instant. Yet, thankfully, the soft rise and fall of her body were contradictory to his dark intrusive thoughts. She was very much still alive. 

She was lying on her side, half her face obscured by the snow, the other half covered by the loose bits of her brown hair.  She had on his old weathered coat - barely had taken it off since he had given it to her - and it somehow just made her look smaller against the white ground. 

Swallowing hard, he lowered his head closer to hers. With trembling fingers, he brushed her hair aside.

“..hey, baby girl, Ellie?” he murmured, his hand moving from her face to rest on her shoulder, hoping for some sign of something. But as seconds passed in silence, with her eyes remaining shut, a note of desperation crept into his voice. "Don't do this, kiddo…” he whispered, heart heavy. 

Then, without warning, her eyes snapped open. They darted around, taking a moment to register her surroundings. As her gaze slid leftward, she caught sight of Joel's hand on her shoulder, and for an instant, a flicker of disdain passed over her eyes. That fleeting emotion was all Joel needed to see,  was enough to know that she was okay, or at least as okay as before she came out here. 

He removed his hand immediately, and with a sigh of relief, he sat back a bit, letting his body decompress from the sudden adrenaline boost. 

“Why don’t we…ah get ya inside, okay?” Joel suggested gently, softly, suppressing a grimace as he worked his way to standing, knees cracking, pain in his side flaring.

Ellie let an inadvertent whine as she pushed herself to sitting, snow still stuck to her face and half her body. She took a second to wipe it away from her cheek with her sleeve as Joel came around behind her. 

“I’m just gonna -“ he began to prompt as his hands snaked under armpits and hoisted her up quickly. The action should have hurt his body more, but Ellie felt far lighter than what was normal, far lighter than any weight that would cause Joel considerable strain. When she was straight he held his hand gently in between her shoulder blades, watching her sway for a second before she eventually steadied herself. He would have let her get her bearings longer, but Ellie had other plans, already taking a shaky, step forward and back to the house.  

He gently wiped some lingering snow off her back as he followed behind her, arms at the ready in case she suddenly pitched back or dropped down, ready to catch her. With the way she looked, he had no faith it wouldn’t happen again. 

A memory of baby Sarah flashed in his head then, quick but poignant- walking behind her in the backyard, arms hovering around her as she tried taking quick steps, just learning that you can move your feet more than one long step at a time. Toddling along, he watched nervously, just as he did with Ellie now, although far different circumstances. 

Once inside, Ellie made a beeline for the couch, sinking into it as if trying to disappear. Joel quickly slid the door closed behind them, pausing for a moment to observe her. She sat there, lost in a distant gaze, reminiscent of her posture from earlier that morning, eyes vacant, staring somewhere far off, silent. 

He’s noticed she goes this way sometimes now, sometimes sitting, sometimes lying down, but always lights on, nobody home. Initially, he’d assumed it was a physical pain that caused these episodes.but now, living with day three of this, he knows it's beyond that. Still, every time she goes blank, and especially when it lasts several minutes, it is no less disconcerting than the first time it happened days ago: 

“Ellie, hey, you’re okay..just..listen to me Ellie, what hurts baby?…Somethin’ hurtin’?… El can you focus on me for a sec? Please…come’on…say somethin’ kiddo…”

Joel was getting better about not outwardly panicking about it though. Wiping his sweaty palms on his thighs he moved over to her, sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch, the old wood creaking under the weight. Carefully, he nudged her knees apart, positioning himself between her and the couch, edging closer than she probably wanted. He paused, allowing her a moment to register his proximity, then gently tilted his head, attempting to catch her faraway gaze.

“Is it your head, again?” he inquired softly, lowering his voice just in case she had gone so far off that she hadn’t realized how close he was. 

Her eyes darted down, followed by a shallow tilt of her head in the same direction. 

She was still with him, just quiet. 

Joel delicately lifted her chin with the tip of his pointer finger, seeking her gaze. However, Ellie deliberately averted her eyes, casting them to the side instead. 

“How many fingers?” Joel questioned, putting one solitary finger up to her face. 

“I’m not blind dumbass.” she snapped, finally locking eyes with him, her irritation evident.

“Can you follow my finger then?” He pressed. 

Begrudgingly, Ellie complied as Joel moved his finger up down, and side to side. Her pupils looked normal, and her reaction time was fine. Joel's heart settled a bit, knowing she didn't show signs of severe head injury like he had feared when discovering her face-down in the snow

“Nothin’ hurting more than yesterday?” he probed gently.

With a pout, she shook her head. 

Joel's internal checklist moved swiftly: likely no internal bleeding or clots. Which really only left one thing. 

“Did you just get dizzy? Pass out?”

Ellie bit her lip and moved her eyes away from him again, nodding her head. She looked annoyed, but not exactly at Joel, more at herself. Tears pricked at her waterline, and Joel tactfully looked away. No sense in embarrassing her about it. She was clearly struggling with not being as ambulatory or independent as she normally was. 

Joel lowered his head and nodded, knowing he couldn’t hold off pushing her any longer. 

Drawing a deep, steadying breath, his voice was firm: “You’re eating today.” 

His words weren’t posed as a question or a suggestion; they were an unequivocal directive. Ellie's body needed food, desperately needed energy - he had to get fuel into her. Joel would be pushy and mean about it if it came to it, would fight her if it meant not letting her body wither away.

Ellie's lips parted, as if readying to protest, but instead, they pressed shut again. 

“You ain’t going to get any better without anything in ya,” he said as he stood, crossing over to the kitchen. 

“I know,” Ellie whispered, her voice heavy with resignation, chin to chest as she picked at her cuticles in her lap, trying to push down overwhelming personal frustration. 

“Beans or soup?” Joel called over his shoulder. 

“Beans,” Ellie grumbled, flopping backward on the couch, head cast back to look up at the ceiling. She blinked away her tears. 

“Alrighty then,” Joel said under his breath, taking the can of beans in his hands and spinning it around absently as he gathered the rest of the cooking supplies.

She was going to eat. 

                                                                      ----

Ellie was not eating. 

Her fingers drummed against the worn-out wooden table, the soft rhythmic beat echoing her internal turmoil. The food in front of her was just barely releasing wisps of steam, but her appetite was nowhere in sight. Each whorl of vapor felt like a taunt, challenging her.  She continued to stare at it, the contents threatening to go cold. She had dragged herself to the kitchen table almost ten minutes ago, five minutes after Joel had set it down for her, and she still couldn’t even bring herself to touch the spoon.

"Ellie," he said, his voice carrying the deep richness of concern. "You can't keep doing this.” Joel leaned over, continuing to sternly implore, ”You need to eat it.” 

His arm came from over behind her shoulder to mix the contents of the bowl, hoping that would coax her into taking some of it in before settling back behind her, hovering.

The thought of eating felt utterly disgusting, and the thought of throwing it all back up - a very plausible future - was even more disgusting.

“It’s going to come right back up,” she huffed as her hand stilled with a soft slap to the table. Her mind wandered back to the first bowls of rice, the spoonfuls of pumpkin, the water, and the bile that all had forcefully been expelled from her body in the days before. She feared it was just going to be the same - gut painfully clenching up until nothing was left. 

“You won’t know that till it goes down, ” Joel quipped back, without much empathy. 

A long-dormant part of him was coming back alive, old paternal authority reigniting deep in his soul. He would wait hours for her to take a bite, stand behind her with his hands on hips all day if he had to. 

He used to wear Sarah out the same way, wait all night long until she finally ate three tiny pieces of broccoli - and that was during far less dire times. 

“Start with a bite.”

“Joel.”

“It’s getting cold, come ‘on,” he pushed, his tone soft yet firm as his hands settled onto the back of her chair, urging her to eat.

Ellie exhaled deeply, allowing her head to drop onto the table in a dramatic fashion, her ponytail brushing perilously close to the bowl's contents.

Joel let out a weary sigh. He remembered these battles, from another life lived, and if it wasn’t so important he stay here with Ellie in the present, he probably would let his mind slip back there, indulge in the melancholy memories. 

“Want me to feed you?” he teased, hoping to lighten the mood.

“Fuck off dude,” Ellie shot back. Her retort was slightly muffled, the words somewhat stifled by the table beneath her cheek.

“Then have at it,” he replied, giving her arm a little pat as he leaned over again to reposition the bowl more out of the way of her head. 

Ellie reluctantly pushed herself up, her movement emphasized by an exaggerated groan that rippled from her chest.  The drama of it all would make Joel feel more relaxed - that was the Ellie he knew - if it wasn’t for the fact that she still was refusing to even attempt to stomach the food. 

“You haven’t eaten enough since we got here and your body can’t heal without it,” he reminded her. 

“I know,” she murmured with an almost childlike defiance.

“Then just eat,” he pushed again, trying to be firm but not harsh. 

There was a moment of silence as Ellie dragged in an audible breath. 

“Then.. why don’t - you….you’re calling a cup black Joel.." 

The words tumbled out of her in a mumble, more quietly than she had been in the rest of the conversation, trying to deflect but not doing it with much gumption. 

Joel almost didn’t understand it at first, brow furrowing in confusion before quickly raising in realization. 

"Pot calling the kettle black…not cup," he gently corrected, settling into a seat across from her at the rickety old table. He would wait with her to eat, sure, but his body was getting awfully tired of standing for so long. 

"Oh..well.. whatever…you need food too," she said, sliding the bowl over the cracked wood top to him. 

He leaned forward, elbows on the table, truly taking in her face - he could clearly see the spark of her old self, stubborn and fiery, shining through her eyes. 

He dragged in his own long breath. 

"I ain’t…” he began, ready to tell her that his stomach literally couldn’t stomach it, but the hypocrisy was almost blindingly glaring. He knew she was feeling the same way, a mental wound driving her issues rather than a physical one. 

After a heavy pause and a slow nod, Joel conceded. 

“Bite for bite then.”

Despite his throat feeling tight, and his stomach rolling, he grabbed the spoon and took a bite of the canned beans he had warmed for her. He would swallow down the almost overwhelming urge to vomit if it meant she would try to do the same.

Pushing the bowl back to her, he met her gaze, determination clear in his eyes.  He held out the spoon to her. 

”Your turn."

Ellie reluctantly took the spoon from him, her hands trembling slightly as she scooped up a small spoonful of beans. She brought it to her mouth and hesitated, her gaze fixed on Joel as if seeking reassurance.

"You can do it," he encouraged softly, his own discomfort temporarily set aside to focus on her. He watched as she finally took the bite, her face contorting briefly before she managed to swallow it. The soft beans might as well have gone down like a mouth of pebbles, and she could already feel them hanging heavy in her gut.  

It wasn't much, but it was a start.

[return-to-twisted-wonderland]

🔆anon

I wanted to write a little synopsis of each character’s personality (mostly to keep me from making them too ooc, but also just for easy access)

Dusk - On the outside he is rough and very quick to anger. He doesn’t first resort to violence, but if he feel his sharp words aren’t enough, he will fight. He uses fire with fire by ways of pushing through everything head firstand being more aggressive. On the inside he’s extremely sensitive and prone to take the worst meaning of a misconstrued sentence to heart and believe that’s how he is or how people actually view him. In his most neutral state he just loves active fun and is a gains a lot of energy from dumb teenage boy plans, which he has his own fair share of. He is a bit emo and has a bit of that “I’m not like others” mentality, but others like Malleus will quickly knock that out of him when it pops up.

Domino - On the outside he seems very detached and aloof. He doesn’t seem to care much about anything other than music (and Silver). But once you get through that first wall, he’s an open book. To anyone that knows him well enough, he can never hide what he’s thinking or feeling. He just wants to get to know people and has no idea how to do it. He at first didn’t know why everyone cared so much about having friends, but quickly learned why it was important at NRC. He’s not anxious, per se, but he definitely is a planner but that’s because he’s used to having plans and he just likes knowing everything, which includes how his day will be.

1!Canis - He’s actually quite responsible. He’s actually like the mom friend, but will call you idiots if he’s too tired to deal with it (he’ll still help, he’s just grumpy when tired). He still has his energy and want to hunt and compete. The best way to get him to join in the fun is to make it a sport or game. He’s not “I have to be #1”, but he likes checking his skills. He does like to come along with dumb plans to see what happens, but he draws the line if he thinks someone could get actually hurt or if it will mess with someone else. (I tend to write him like I would Jack, and while they do have similarities, like being the one brain cell, he’s far more into the fun than Jack who’s aloof and he’s more of a caretaker/helper type than Jack who’s a lone wolf.)

2!Canis - He’s very hyper and very sweet. He just wants everyone to have a good time and doesn’t understand why adults sometimes look at him and smile but seem sad. He can get bored easily, and can wonder off if his hunting instincts kick in or he sees someone he views as his pack. Vargas has once or twice said he’s practically on a permanent sugar rush.

Kit - On the outside she can act overly sweet to strangers, but the observant notice it’s never to her detriment. In places where kindness is seen as odd, she can act more hidden and a bit snippy. On the inside she has grown jaded over years of horrible treatment and sees people as self interested and cruel by nature. The was she learned to fight back is fire with fire and her own manipulation. She is extremely competitive, having to be the top, and likes to throw her opponents at each other so she can get the win while they exhaust themselves. She also acts extremely prideful, especially about her fox beastman features, but she’s not. Even deeper she is very ashamed of herself and her appearance, even hiding her ears and tail when she feels vulnerable or like there may be danger.

Toryn - Seems extremely chill on the outside, as if he never has a complaint. He can also be a bit of a pushover at times. On the inside he’s more complex. He struggles with indecisiveness until he is shoved to one option or the both go away. He also tends to deal with stuff on his own because he likes seeing others smile, and thinks that if they deal with his issues they won’t be because issues are bad. He doesn’t deny his own feelings or think everyone should “just stay positive”, but he doesn’t want others to get upset over dealing with his problems. He doesn’t exactly hide any of this, as he values honesty above all, but it’s not like he wants to just share everything. And for as timid as he seems, if you mess with people he cares for, he won’t let up until you are no longer a threat or carry the possibility of becoming one again.

More info on the lads~

[kaoarika]

Another day, another follow up to my "data migration is a nightmare" saga.

TOO close, I feel. TOO close to either keep going and complete at least a 80% of what I have left to move (which might be basically leaving video and audio files at last because they, esp. videos, are TOO BIG) or maybe giving up. Realistically I knew that I wouldn't finish yesterday. It's too much. It's too much of a headache to split and decide what I should move first. Idealistically, using one of the 64 GBs and filling it up to 20 GB or smth wouldn't be THAT much of an issue... except that my laptop begs to differ.

While I'm making use of going around g00gle drive to upload and dl the things there (while compressed, and easier to move around, and it gives me the advantage to not move THAT many files), let's say that I have increasingly becoming paranoid, if that wasn't clear from before. Distrust issues increase because I have had unbelievable bad luck with computers in the past, lol. If it isn't about the compressed files (through .rar, which I know they are at least a bit safer than .zip... and tbh! I have had -dl'ed- compressed files from almost 10 years ago that I haven't uncompressed that seem to still work as new and fine???), it should be about the way I'm using gdrive... or that if I don't turn the laptop on... what are the chances it will turn on again later on? Stuff like that. It's risky if I let this opportunity pass away. YET, I don't want to be doing this anymore OTL.

I also don't want to uncompress those, lmao (also, the space they occupy :))) ). I DO want to know what they are though, because... let's say that my W10 OS didn't let me see through .mp4 files' thumbnails for some reason? However... maybe later on when I decide to actually organize them so much better.

I had to go back and organize my older files if only a bit to make this possible, which, again, wasting my time in doing it as such, but it's the best way to organize and split them in order to transfer them all (while also realizing that I don't want to keep some things; some of which I will not copy, while others are much a matter of "when" since I have to look at them deeply with more time). But, it's too tiring ;A;

My USB drives situation: I'm now 95% sure that the first 64 GB USB I used is the only one that has the bug thing or whatever that the W11 laptop "double" recognize it. I haven't run with similar problems with the other newer two. Regardless, I'm not going to use it for the time being :/ Kind of sad, because it was particularly useful when I had to transfer the first PC (2017) backup last year... well, it's not like it's horrendously buggy and such... but it's slightly faulty. I understand that things like that tend to happen (I don't remember if I told it here, but I have an USB that, for some reason I don't seem to understand? unless it was because I used it in my brother's older laptop back in the day? it ended up corrupting a small percentage of my files there :), luckily I recovered them, but somehow? it is still eating away the data that is still stored there).

Speaking about paranoia, my cat :). She usually likes to sleep above my desk, but since she moves a lot and is a little bit big, she tends to push my stuff away to the ground. I slept and she pushing my things off the desk woke me up and it turned to be the USBs I am not using right now (but would probably use them as last resort). Logically, I know that these might not break... but... when I'm in this desperate state it's like "pls no".

And speaking about sleeping :))). I want to sleep as normal as possible, but this is draining a lot of my energy :))). I want to go back to my "normalcy" I'm tired.

I know I'm slightly close to the finish line... but man, why it had to be this way... I don't want to dump everything here either 😭😭😭😭😭

One thing I forgot to mention is that, an IRL acquaintance was offering me to give me their external disk because for some reason they didn't seem to boot it up in their Mac, and basically was planning to "get rid of it" because of that. They told me it's a Toshiba and I was/have been considering it (although it REALLY looks like they aren't tech savvy about stuff like that; apparently, certain external disks' brands you HAVE to format them because they are not universally compatible with Windows AND Mac, and Toshiba is certainly one of these... 😑), but I'm also the kind of person that doesn't tend to accept stuff like that so freely ,_, It's been two months, so I dunno. I have to see them again asap, however.

[torinnesilva]

a lot

this is a lot to express. i have been spending my days making coffee for the employees of google. i have learned how to make lattes, matcha teas, macchiatos, and numerous other beverages. it is a very suitable job, however ephemeral it may be. on the weekend i went to an incredible naturist resort, where i met so many people, including an effervescent 20-something year old girl named julia. there i also found one of the few naturist libraries in the country, which had many shelves of books on the topic. yet between these moments of laborious focus and libertine frolicking, i do have this ever-present substratic sense of discord within my life.

it is clear that this is related to the considerations being made to make me more comfortable fronting. there is the name, the clothing, the hair, the body aesthetics, all aimed at allowing me to walk into a life. however, the place where i exist keeps me for a very valid reason, to avoid the notable dysphoria and dissociation i experience when shoved into reality. this is the reality where my life and my body do not feel like they belong to me, but someone else. and in many ways they do. they belong to the person who was created to function in this world with this specific set of circumstances.

so herein lies my dilemma. as a half measure, my system as a whole is quite happy with the progress. acacia has room to express herself, and the host is more integrated than ever, pulling from pieces of us to diversify their life. really, it is i who is left in the lurch. to be blunt, this life is a beater. and that is really painful to acknowledge when we have done so much work to change internal perspectives to manifest a much more robust external reality. the above is certainly matching the below. and acacia has taken marvelously to this task.

but something else has happened, something that i daresay is quite beautiful. you see, the opportunity cost of doing anything but making swift progress on all this, is so incredibly on the forefront of my mind. this year, i have pushed so hard, and made it so far, and any slowdown from focusing on other things becomes so conspicuous by comparison. i yearn, i definitely yearn to continue at that pace. the reading, the writing, the traveling, the libraries and bookshops, the beaches and forests, the random serendipitous conversations with strangers, the earth-shattering insights from podcasts, all of these things shaped me this year into a completely evolved person, and i desire so ardently to continue all of this.

i am constantly reminded of the role that my soul is playing, of the cosmic game, of this reality being a vacation from the real one, as i so specifically thought when returning to the city from the redwoods. the emotion i feel around this is poignant, and between this yearning and the aforementioned dysphoria, i certainly still want to scream with passion. it goes without saying, that all of this is a lot.

i feel though as i rummage around my feelings, that acacia has helped me so much. she helps me because her unabashed sensuality transcends our dysphoria, or i might say, she is a mask for mine in a way that the host is not. and perhaps i yearn for the faster pace of the recent past, because acacia had more time to direct our life. in her absence, it seems to be only the host in complete disembodiment, or me in partial dysphoria. yet, i do welcome this challenge, because i recognize that i need to learn how to live too.

perhaps doing what comes most naturally to me, writing these thoughts down, is the best practice for me to progress in this way. so i am grateful i have this notion, energy, and opportunity. from there i hope to build up to the future that i visualize, one where i can galavant freely off to the forest, become one with it, and then impart its eternal wisdom to paper.

The lyrics of david beckingham have never been more relevant.

I want to be the forest I want to be the ground A solitary chorus I want to be the sound

imagine this. imagine a hidden library deep within the forest, the paper offspring of the trees nestled within them, guarded and nourished. the books, they are filled with the wisdom of the ancient trees. this is a place of healing. people travel far and wide to come to this place. to rest, to sing, to dance, and to hold these books up to themselves like a mirror, to reveal who they truly are, the elusive highest self that they have been seeking.

i am reminding myself now to pray to the Goddess, not only to tell Her i am open to receiving this space, but to receive the energy it makes me feel by asking Her to do Her will through me. what i must learn, is how to integrate these three lives i lead in how they relate to my worship of and service to Her. it has been acacia's focus, however this means that everything else is a distraction. i must keep focus even when immersed in the illusion. i must not pause my sacred dance as a flame in Her fire, a wave in Her sea, even when i look at myself and only see a stick in the mud. the stick can burn. the mud can flow.

somehow, the most macrocosmic revelations, make a lot feel like a little. and once again catharsis is reached and determination is renewed.

[oflostinfound]

5 & 9 for both of them! :3

q’s for muses who had a… r o u g h childhood 9. what coping methods  ( healthy or unhealthy )  did your muse learn during their childhood?

5. has your muse ever been officially diagnosed with ptsd, c-ptsd?

Neither of them have been officially diagnosed, but they do have PTSD for certain considering all they've gone through. Both of them having nearly died at least a handful of times, seen things someone their (relative age at the time of the occurrence) shouldn't have had to see, or been put through other very traumatic events.

9. what coping methods  ( healthy or unhealthy )  did your muse learn during their childhood?

From childhood Eath learned coping methods such as meditation, running around or dancing to get out energy and get her body moving, writing down her feelings, stuff like that. Her dads made sure she had the tools to figure out and process her feelings properly, until they could no longer be there for her.

Unhealthy methods she learned later after the incident on her 1,000 (10th for daemons) birthday. Resorting to isolation, overworking herself (or just pushing herself past her limits really), staying up late or avoiding sleep, or alternatively getting too much sleep.

Hax as a child didn't really have a good chance to learn good coping skills. Their parents didn't care to teach them and just wanted them to "stop being such a baby". The best they learned was to write down some thoughts like Eath does, but that was mostly because they couldn't speak. Even that was risky because their parents could get a hold of their notebook if they weren't careful.

They learned plenty of unhealthly coping skills. Getting aggressive, isolation or internalizing their feelings and ignoring them, trying to distract themself entirely (which later they turned to drinking, though that's rarer and when things seem to get really bad), self depreciation.

They have improved recently, they've started going on jogs or working out when they're having mixed emotions as opposed to just jogging in the morning, they've started keeping a journal again, taking to people. It's progress.

[slowtravelingcat]

The Monster, Chena Hot Springs and Talkeenta, AK

Monday, July 5th, 2021  

CAL - I can tell that the large, bald one must really be loving it here. She has left the hotel room for 2 full days for the 2nd week in a row. As her best friend and confidant, I am supportive as I can tell these extended outings bring her great happiness. 

As for me, this week was an eventful week, indeed. I slew a monster. 

Let me start at the beginning. I was pushing my head underneath the curtains to see out of the window, as I have many times before. Normally if I dip my head low enough I can push the fabric away to get unfettered window access, however, this time, something different happened. When I lifted my head, I expected a view of the outside, but instead, I remained covered in fabric. There was fabric behind my head and in front of my eyes, at the same time!

There was only one conclusion to be drawn. I was being eaten alive by the Curtain Monster.

Once I realized what was happening, I did what any noble cat would do. I chewed my way out.

It took a while to get the first tear in the fabric, but once I broke through I found a renewed sense of energy. Once I was safely out of the Curtain Monster’s evil grips, I continued to chew. I chewed out of anger and then relief. If I’m being honest, I’m not even sure why I chewed those last few pieces. All I know is that Curtain Monster has officially been slain. I can not wait for Michele to see my noble deed.

MICHELE - There is so much to see in Alaska, this summer is starting to feel like the shortest and longest summer of my entire life. With the holiday, my work afforded me a 3 day weekend, meaning that I started my weekend adventure on Saturday morning. 

The first leg was a 7-hour drive from Anchorage to Chena Hot Springs Resort, just outside of Fairbanks. The drive is beautiful and runs through the interior of Alaska, skirting the eastern side of Denali National Park. The drive passes through a series of valleys and mountain passes, each one more grand than the next. After a quick stop in Fairbanks for supplies, I made the final push to Chena. 

The Chena Hot Springs resort is known for winter viewing of the Northern Lights. Despite being “off-season” the property was pretty packed. The entire space is a mix of eclectic outdoor sculptures, handmade crafts, duck ponds, and gardens. About half of the land is dedicated to a hotel and the other half to a campground with a mix of cabins, yurts, and space for tents. The smell of smoke wafted over the campground as a small brush fire burned not too far away. 

After settling into my cabin on the camping side of the property, I took a stroll around the grounds, where I snuck a few pictures of a sled dog kennel and marveled at the strange art distributed around the various gardens. Next, I enjoyed a dip in hot springs, which had only a subtle smell of sulfur. I finished the evening with a glass of red wine on the porch of my cabin. Just when I thought the night could not get any better, a brigade of firefighters trot past my cabin and into their make-shift quarters for the evening. A few of them wave and I lift my glass to toast to their good work. What a life. 

The next morning, I check out of my cabin at the last possible minute and make the 5-hour drive to Talkeetna. This time as I pass Denali National Park, the sky is perfectly clear and I get the greatest view of Mt Denali! Luckily there is no shortage of viewpoints on the highway, and I can pull over to snag a couple of photos. 

Sunday night in Talkeetna is a charming way to end the weekend. The town is tiny and packed with cafes, pubs, and little shops. I wander the streets and end up with a poke bowl and a can of beer at a sidewalk cafe. Around closing time, some locals set off a few fireworks, but the sky remains lit up by the sun, so it really only generates a series of loud noises.

The next morning the drive back to Anchorage is plagued with holiday traffic. I am exhausted by the time I enter our room. I immediately notice that something is off though.

The curtains are torn to shreds. Cal meows proudly as he rubs against my leg. What the heck happened in here? 

[holyguardian]

"... Good night, Glenn." Ifalna replied to a closing door, though she doubted Glenn would have heard her. He left like a man who had been haunted — but he was firm about his promise. She would believe in him, because what else was left?

Her body was too broken to manage this alone. Midgar was absolutely off limits, and Kalm was a bandaid solution at best. There was a very long journey ahead, and she was ill-equipped for far too much of it. Aerith would be in great danger with only her mother to protect her. Casting spells could only be a last resort in her current condition, and she was likely to collapse even from that much exertion.

She wasn't a stupid woman, or at least she didn't believe herself to be one. But she was also unfamiliar with this continent. Her home was in the far north among the snow. Here... she didn't know the land like the back of her hand, the commonly-known travel routes and methods were unfamiliar to her which added an extra disadvantage.

With a sigh she glanced away from the red jacket on the table. Though she couldn't hold onto those heavier thoughts for long — Aerith emerged bright as a firefly and the smile returned to her face. No matter how dire their situation, she had to keep her brave face on. Her daughter deserved security. The worries were her burden for now.

"Come, let's get you snug as a bug in a rug." The laughter from her daughter would be heard through the wall, and the stomping running of her feet. Of course she asked where Glenn was, and she simply said he had to go to bed, he had work early in the morning. An "awwwh!" of complaint might have been heard, some begging to go tell him goodnight, then finally the acceptance that her mother wasn't going to budge. There was a short bedtime story uttered in the dark then one last hurdle.

Aerith didn't like that their beds were apart.

"There's nothing we can do about that tonight, sweetheart. Mummy isn't strong enough." Not that it stopped her daughter from trying. Determined, Aerith pushed and she shoved at her bed, though the frame wasn't moving, it was the mattress that ended up on the floor. Ifalna shook her head. But it was enough to settle Aerith who seemed very proud of herself.

To her credit, Ifalna managed to give Aerith some warnings. No opening the door to anyone. Wake mummy if something is wrong. Absolutely no leaving the room. Then... she was like a rock. Heavy with sleep, her head barely rested on the pillow and she was out. She slept midway through the morning, when Aerith, timid as a mouse woke her. She was hungry.

They had some of the leftovers. Aerith begged to go outside, Ifalna refused. "It's too dangerous, sweetheart. We have to hide from the bad men... come, let's open up this window and let some light in." A small compromise.

Ifalna set up Aerith at the table with her journal and crayons with what energy she had, and she laid back in bed. It was past midday when she woke again, and to Aerith's credit she fed herself like a little mouse nibbling away at the leftovers Glenn had stored for them. Though she had been too scared to eat too much. She had it in her head this was all their adventure food so she had to explain to her daughter to eat if she were hungry, and eat she did.

Ifalna on the other hand had completely lost her appetite. The most she could stomach was water, and even then... she wished for a hot cup of tea, even if she doubted she would drink it all. Sweat beaded on her skin. She opted to sit in one of the chairs for a little while, hoping she would start to feel better. Time passed. Better didn't come. Her body was stressed, and she swallowed back the pain that set in. It was a new kind of dizziness. She didn't know which she preferred, this, or the nausea from the pain medication.

Late afternoon arrived. The day had gone by fast for her, and dragged on forever for poor Aerith. When there was a knock at the door, Ifalna looked over, then quickly put her finger over her lips when Aerith turned to her. They waited... and Glenn called. Exhaling, she gave a small nod for Aerith to go to the door.

There was a thundering run from Aerith, who all but ripped the locked door off its hinges, throwing it wide open with a bursting kind of energy. "GLENN!" she hollered, little crayon-smudged hands thrown up in the air. But then she sucked in a breath and her hands came down in fists that rested on her hips. "You didn't say good night or good morning you know! I ate all the food so I hope you didn't want any, but I was very quiet all day long in the room, and what's in the bag can I see? Pleaaaase? Where were you?"

Their real names. He had those, at least. Somehow that meant a lot more to him. Ifalna demanded a lot from him... so now he wanted more honesty. The truth. If he was supposed to believe her story, she needed to share everything with her.

"Then good night, Ifalna... and Aerith.", he added before closing the door behind him and walking over to his own. He did not even turn the lights on, instead almost instantly laid down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling.

And that was exactly how he remained for hours.

Sleep was avoiding him. Coming in shreds and short pieces. All riddled with nightmare-scenarios about Shinra, Hojo and the two in the room next to him. Not that being awake was any better either. His mind trying to come up with explanations. Or with the nightmare Ifalna must have live dthrough - and what could happen to the little one.

He felt more tired than anything else when the sun started to dye the sky a soft purple again. Glenn was up immediately, getting himself ready and... he hesitated passing Room 4 for a moment. Argued that he should say goodbye. But... he did not. He just left - and left his jacket with them.

The ride back on a bike that he had planned to boast about to Lucia and Matt now felt hollow. The bike had a name after all - one he could never share, because a little girl had named it that could not be found.

Being up so early almost made him punctual for the shift. Showing up beside his two best friends silently, he just gave his usual grin to Matt upon a comment. Lucia joined in. They did not suspect a thing at first. And for a bit Glenn believed he could simply pretend nothing had happened.

The sudden call into the mission-rooms threw that overboard.

What happened in there felt like a blur. Only SOLDIERs were instructed, the troppers got more barebone info. But they got a lot more. Pictures - at least of Ifalna. She was named a terrorist. A woman who had stolen important scientific data and material from Professor Hojo and was on the run. A possible lethal threat. A Wutai affiliated monster, who sought to damage Shinra, Midgar, all their people... Not a word about the little girl with her. But the clear instructions not to kill the woman but capture her on sight and hand her over to Shinra authorities again. Anyone who had information on her was to report it immediately. Who failed to do so, would face dire consequences. They expected this mission to come to a successful end within the next 48 hours. Troops were deployed specifically for the search.

A terrorist.

Glenn sat there in the masses of SOLDIERs, just staring ahead at the flickering cold projection of Ifalna's front and side profile. She had an absolutely neutral expression, though if he looked at her eyes for too long...

He felt sick. The dread in his guts seemed to boil over into his chest.

And he fell quiet. Afterwards, when all the others started their own talks and rumours. During training. Coming up with scenarios and even jokes. The usual banter Glenn would've joined in so readily usually.

Dozens of SOLDIERs would look for them. Multiple those numbers with the troopers. Everyone who wasn't bound to other missions directly or the lingering war with Wutai... tehy all woudl be searching for her.

Glenn had to escape this. He felt like he couldn't breath inside the HQ anymore, fleeing to one of the outdoor metal staircases. Slipping away in an unwatched moment. he couldn't tell Lucia and Matt. He couldn't drag them into the shit he had gotten himself into. He couldn't go home to Grandma either. A call to his brother without any purpose... because Leif couldn't know, too.

No one could.

He was alone with this.

And he needed to return to them as soon as possible.

In all this dread and fear, that conviction stood steadfast like a mountain in a storm. If he turned his back... they would be found within those 48 hours. And his name was tacked to the Inn reservation for their room. He needed to get them further away. If the SOLDIERs couldn't find them in Midgard, soon they'd branch out. Oh fuck, if the checkpoint grunts had a too good memory...

Instead of hanging around with his friends, as soon as their shift ended, Glenn practically fled to the parking lots. Lucia and Matt called him out for that - questioning why he wasn't the first in line getting more hours in to grab the rewards for finding the terrorist. he could only give a half-assed shrug and lopsided grin. His bike was his excuse. he wanted to take it for a spin. His friends' baffled looks and question which fucking bike he meant was met with a deaf ear. He had not even told them.

He took a detour, the engine howling through the streets of the undercity. He collected medicine, food, some of his clothes. They were way too big. Especially for Aerith. So he bought her some, in a small store he had never before been to. Simple ones, paid in cash. No more traces.

The drive back to Kalm was way too fast, but part of Glenn drove with the thought of 'If I crash and die, at least I have a few worries less.'.

He returned to the small Inn when the sun had already started to sink down again. A giant bag slung over his shoulder, he hurried up the steps and knocked on Room 4. prepared for... for anything. For silence. For an empty room. For the order to get away. For a group of SOLDIERs awaiting him on the other side. Or Turks.

"Eleanor...? Ron?"

[sarasapen]

Among the Blues and Greens

Another installation of the Little One series.

Summary: Meditation often allowed for Jedi to discover and learn about their thoughts and feelings, aiding them in solving their problems. This meditation session unfortunately reveals more than you’d like.

Or the one in which Obi-Wan’s Padawan realises she loves him.

Warnings: Language, meditation, slow dancing, yearning, revelations, forehead kisses, Past Obitine relationship mentions

Word Count: 3k

Star Wars Masterlist

-------

 You were a fraud.

 Whenever you felt particularly emotional, you meditated, as any good Jedi was supposed to do. Before daybreak, the gardens at the Sundari Royal Palace were relatively uninhabited, at least by people. You didn’t mind the plants and animals. Their energies were soothing, incorrupt, they just were. That’s how you find yourself there, for the third day in a row, trying desperately to calm the tempest that’s seen fit to take up permanent residence in your mind.

 Why were you a fraud? A fake? A poser?

 Because here you were, years of training under your belt, pretending to meditate. Fraud.

 It was an old ‘trick’ that young Padawans- very young Padawans, you added- resorted to when they were made to meditate. Sitting there with your eyes closed, trying to keep your breathing even. No actual self-exploration or deep diving into your mind, just putting up a facade that any force insensitive being wouldn’t see through.

 Unfortunately for you, Obi-Wan Kenobi was Force sensitive.

 “You’re pretending,” He muses, lowering himself beside you and crossing his legs, assuming the same position you were in. You keep your eyes closed, forcing your breaths to remain even as if he hadn’t even spoken. He sees right through it, amusement weaving into the deep blues that were his signature.

 Oftentimes you wondered what it was like, to be in the middle of all that was him. Observing one’s signature from the outside was very much different than actually experiencing it. Each individual’s signature was different, and his signature was always so wonderful… You wanted to learn more about it, about him. But you knew you wouldn’t ever dare to be brash enough to even brush your signature against his, let alone delve into him fully.

 His signature morphs, from the vibrant, rich hums to a gentle, soothing wave. He’s meditating.

 You scowl.

 He’s barely been sitting down for a minute, and he’s already accomplished what you’ve been trying to do for the past three days.

 “Focus your thoughts on something,” He suggests quietly, sending out a wash of calm over your prickling irritation. He’s guiding you, as he used to do years ago when you were a young and distractible little thing, and you let him.

 You’d let him do anything.

 You’re swept backwards into the deep abyss that’s your mind, and you fall freely, watching Obi-Wan’s signature withdraw slowly from yours. It’s like watching waves upon the shore, gently sweeping backwards and away, taking with it such tiny, essential parts of you while simultaneously shaping you into a thing to behold. It was always, before anything else, soothing.

 He didn’t like studying others’ energies too closely. It was a common trait amongst blue sabers, whilst reading people's energies were crucial for the Jedi, studying them at great lengths could often prove to be uncomfortable. But yours, he had said. He wouldn’t mind spending days traversing the inside of your mind if you’d let him.

 When you were younger, you’d asked him what your signature looked like to him. He said it was a mass of shades of green that were so beautiful he doubted the mere names of the colours or any other descriptive words would be able to do them any justice.

 Beautiful, was the word he’d always use.

 And he was…gentle, and kind, and smart. You exhale slowly, no longer stiff in your posture. He’s always been so patient with you, even with his occasional sarcastic comment. The perfect Jedi.

 Even as a youngling, you’d hear exaggerated stories from Padawans slightly older than you, or, at least, he insisted they were exaggerated. A few years into your training with him, you began to think that maybe the far-fetched stories weren’t so far-fetched after all.

 You’re so lucky, younglings would say shortly after you had become his Padawan. After all, Master Kenobi’s previous Padawan was the Chosen One. You’d have to be something special to attract his attention.

 And you were lucky. But not for the glory and the awe that sparkled in people’s eyes at the mention of his name. It was for his undivided attention on you, his genuine interest in the things you enjoyed, his efforts to shift your training to aid in what you wanted to specialise in, even if it was wildly different from what he was good at.

 Not that there was much he wasn’t good at.

 You loved the way he carried himself, not with arrogance or pride (both of which you thought would have been deserved), but with a humble sort of almost shyness. You loved that he pushed to do better, to be better, not for himself but for you and Anakin. You loved the way he conducted himself with people, even those considered to be the lowest of the lows, he treated them with so much respect and kindness.

 Perhaps it was just that he was a decent human being, but that didn’t mean you loved him any less.

 You loved the way he’d throw in a sharp remark when facing an adversary, or the way he’d stand tall even in the face of-

 Hold on.

 You loved him.

 You loved him. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-

 “What are you thinking about?” Obi-Wan calls from beside you, his voice no louder than a low murmur, and it still makes you flinch. “You’ve grown tense.”

 Play dumb. You could do that. Just… blurt out something random and leave it at that, and then you can-

 “She seems nice.”

 FUCK. Not that fucking dumb oh stars above you were so fucking screwed-

 “She… The Duchess?”

 “Yeah, your Duchess.” Oh kriffing hells, if you could just. stop. talking.

 “Duchess Satine is not my Duchess,” His force signature dips suddenly, as if he’s reeled everything back into himself. It pulls you along with it, and you can no longer pretend that you’re meditating. Not with the way your Master turns to face you, studying your features with a concerned curiosity. You tense up again, keeping your eyes trained on a lone tree, a distance away. There’s a caterpillar crawling on one of the branches, and you focus on that. You can tell that he can tell. He’s always been so good at reading you.

 “You…” He starts, but stops himself, straightening and regarding you once again.

 “Sometimes I find myself having to meditate more than usual. Even up to a few times a day, if I’m…” Obi-Wan’s gaze flickers down from your eyes for just a split second, a movement so quick he doesn’t even realise he’s done it. “Distracted.”

 There’s a stutter in your signature, one you try to hide by slamming up your walls, but the brush of Obi-Wan’s hand against your arm has you faltering. The waves of him approach slowly once again, waiting patiently beside the storm that’s your signature.

 “What’s gotten you so tense?” He probes gently, the weight of his hand against your shoulder mirroring the gentle reassuring taps of his signature against yours.

 “Do you love her?”

 You know what. There’s a ledge. Right there. You could just jump off. If you were dead you wouldn’t be facing this amount of embarrassment.

 “...I used to,” Obi-Wan reveals, and his admission surprises himself more than it does you. Not that he wasn’t aware of what the extent of feelings for Satine used to be, but admitting it, out loud? It was something he had never done before.

 “Used to?”

 “It was a lifetime ago, when I was still a Padawan.”

 It’s strange. Neither of you want to continue talking, to keep delving into dark and murky uncharted territory, between the blurred depths of what’s allowed and what’s forbidden. It scares you. It scares him too. 

 “So… what? You decided to give her up?”

 He should say something about the way of the Jedi, that attachments were forbidden, and that had anyone else known, they would’ve expected him to leave Satine. If it were anyone else asking him this, he would’ve said it, accompanied by a deserved lecture on subtlety and manners.

 But you’re the exception.

 You’d always be his only exception.

 So, instead, Obi-Wan says, “The Duchess, while a remarkable woman, has a very different outlook on life than I do, even back then.”

 There's a stretch of silence that he feels like he needs to fill. “Besides, it gave me the chance to meet people even more remarkable.”

 “Not many people can compare to the Duchess of Mandalore,” You mutter, closing your eyes to block out the sight of him when he gets to his feet.

 “No,” Obi-Wan agrees. “Although the Duchess couldn’t come close to comparing to you.”

 And with that heart-stopping revelation, he leans down and presses a lingering kiss to your forehead.

 “Focus,” Obi-Wan whispers in your ear, and then he’s gone.

 Now you really couldn’t concentrate.

——

 “Breathe,” Obi-Wan had instructed you, sitting beside your fidgety body with his own long-since perfected form.

 It was the second week into your Padawan training, and it had taken Obi-Wan twenty three minutes to get you to sit still. Not including the sixteen minutes it took to get you past the normally three minute walk from library to your room, or the seven minutes it took for you to pad over to him and sit beside him. Not for your lack of trying, Obi-Wan mused, watching you fidget once again.

 Your eyes fly open at his words.

 “If I stop breathing during meditation will I die?”

 Yeah, okay, that one was on him. It takes a lot of control for Obi-Wan not to choke on his overwhelming surprise at your words.

 “Meditation can only occur when you stop speaking, little one,” He hints, keeping his posture straight. Thirty two minutes now, he’s been sitting in this position, not meditating, but focused on your wild little signature.

 “Oh, yeah,” You concede, shifting again and screwing your eyes shut.

 Master Kenobi, the whisper-shout in his head very nearly startles him, and Obi-Wan can’t keep pretending his focus is impeccable. He turns to regard you with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. If I stop breathing during meditation, will I die?

 Again, to your credit, you weren’t exactly… speaking.

 Perhaps that’s why, with a self-indulgent smile, he sends back a quick no.

 Okay, you accept happily, shifting again in your seat. Your early days were so much like Anakin’s. Both of you, filled with a curiosity and outlook on the world that only children could view, and it baffled him to no end that both of you viewed him in exactly the same way.

 You just accepted everything he said without much thought, readily eager to believe that your Master was always right, because what else could he ever be? It was perhaps that specific period of time during both his Padawans’ training that Obi-Wan was the most stressed. The first few years were the years he felt as though he could disappoint you the most, to fail to protect you and teach you and nurture you.

 He didn’t fail. He didn’t even come close. You’d tell him if you could. Anakin would tell him too. But it just wasn’t a conversation Jedis had.

 And…there.

 You’re not meditating. Obi-Wan opens his mouth to say something, but the words die in his throat when he feels you oh so carefully reach out your signature. He follows along at a distance, careful not to alert you, and he watches as your signature gingerly approaches the plant situated outside your apartment door.

 The plant. You were connecting with the plant.

 You’re calm, he realises. Nearly ridiculously so, if he didn’t know any better he’d think your signature was that of a fully trained knight. The spurts and bursts and branches that were usually your energy flutter gently down, acting obedient and serene.

 It’s… for lack of a better word, beautiful.

 So with your thoughts centered around that little plant outside, all Obi-Wan has to do is give you just a little nudge that blocks out all other distractions for you- maybe it’s cheating, but he wants to see what will happen.

 And then you’re meditating.

——

 “It’s the first time I’ve worn a dress!” Swishing the fabrics of the skirt around you, you’re easily entranced by the movement. It’s a pretty dress, courtesy of the Mandalorian court, floaty and airy with barely there off-the shoulder sleeves. It reveals more of you than Jedi robes would ever, but you’re so enraptured with such innocent curiosity that Obi-Wan doesn’t even try to suppress the affectionate smile he gives you.

 “You look lovely,” He responds honestly, pushing himself off the couch and taking slow steps towards you.

 “I feel like a… like a…” You pause, glancing up from your skirts to fix your eyes on him, mind racing.

 “Like a?” Obi-Wan prompts.

 “Like a cloud!” You settle for, twirling around as if to emphasise your floaty feeling.

 “A cloud?” He confirms, voice laced with amusement. He takes your hand, twirling you around once more through your giggles.

 “Yeah.”

 “Well, you’re the prettiest cloud I’ve ever seen,” Folding his hand over your own, he steps into your space mid-twirl, his other hand coming to press flat against your back. He doesn’t know what propelled him to do this, to press you against him and pull you into little steps around the room. The giggles he gets from you are enough to diminish any second thoughts he gets, so he hums softly, pressing his cheek to the top of your head.

 Your little impromptu dance session is made to end as quickly as it started, a knock on his door reminding the both of you the reason for such fanciful dressing.

 A dinner.

 It was exciting to you, as most off-world mission events were, so different from the usual routine of your life on Coruscant. Your excitement is blindingly obvious, and yet Obi-Wan, who’s long since tired of having to accept invitations lest the Jedi be perceived as discourteous, Obi-Wan says nothing at all. He gives you a warm smile and gestures for you to move towards the door.

 And oh, what a dinner it was. The food was marvelous, the company a little less so, but the moments you’d glance up at your Master to find him already watching you made up for it. If only he weren’t seated so far away… and so close to the Duchess. You don’t turn your head in their direction again.

 Apparently a royal dinner on Mandalore was not just dinner, so after an hour of sitting at a table several seats away from your Master and surrounded by boring politicians, you’re ushered into a ballroom. Several ask for your hand to dance, but you turn them down with a polite smile and even politer excuse. You want to dance, you do. Just… not with them.

 Then you see her.

 She had changed her dress, and she was gorgeous. Elegant and beautiful and carrying herself with such grace even on the dancefloor, she looked every bit the Duchess she was. You sort of hated her.

 “The prettiest, huh?” You mutter bitterly under your breath, taking a moment to try to calm yourself. You take another breath when you turn to face Obi-Wan, expecting his eyes to be on her. Everyone’s eyes were on her.

 He’s looking at you.

 You immediately curse yourself out for the snide comment, hating that you’ve revealed yourself, your insecurities, that he’s going to admonish you for a silly little comment that just slipped out.

 Instead, he holds his hand out towards you, and bends down a little in a bow.

 “If I may have this dance, my dear?” The words come out as a low murmur, and even with the loud applause of everyone around you signalling the end of the Duchess’ dance, you hear him perfectly. Your cheeks are flushed and you’re trying impossibly hard to keep your breathing even as you slide your hand into his, letting him lead you to the middle of the dance floor.

 It’s strange, you think.

 The two of you have been in arguably far closer quarters than you were in now, with a decent amount of space between your bodies, joined only by your hand in his and his other hand on your waist. You’ve trained together, sparred together, been forced into close confines in the middle of missions and on occasion even slept in the same bed together.

 Obi-Wan’s grip on your hand tightens, the tips of his fingers skimming up your back and brushing tantalisingly against the skin that’s uncovered by the dress.

 No, this… this, in front of a whole room of people from all over the galaxy, this was far more intimate than anything ever before. It’s almost as if you’ve been transported back in time just a couple of hours ago, when it was just him and you in the privacy of your quarters.

 “The prettiest,” he confirms, voice low in your ear. Your breath hitches at his statement and all its implications. “It’s not even a competition.”

 Good things, as all things do, must eventually come to an end. Obi-Wan guides a slightly tipsy and very giggly you back towards your room, laughing despite himself when you trip over your own two feet. The last thing he wants after a successful mission is for you to get concussed by falling.

 He bends and effortlessly sweeps you into your arms, letting you swing your legs in the air. It’s not the first time he’s been in this position with you. Perhaps he’s carried you like this a little too often. His thoughts don’t linger on that topic for long.

 You change out of your dress and sit cross-legged in front of him, letting him brush out your hair and pull it back into a braid for you to sleep in, actions so practised that they’re not even spoken about.

 And on the floor of your room, discarded almost carelessly at the end of the bed, lay two weapons beside each other, one green, and one blue.

-----

The next one will be Obi-Wan’s revelation ;)

-----

Obi-Wan taglist:

@allinmymind @ginger-swag-rapunzel @mugoi-usagi @babymango-writes @fluffyhales @whinsical-ash @filthy-thots @altarsw @mando831 @ruleroftides @soft-and-lush @softlikefairydust @bumblegadget @stafskislava @torihester @shedobeclownin @satikryze @buwnni @mando-amando @mrskenobi19 @butch-medusae @fandomtrxshh @a-c-lee @neji85 @reejero @silverpuppi @thereluctantherosrose @shinybananapastanickel @hey-there-angels @grumpymuffinmama @hufflingpuffling-blog1 @kyle9no @qt-ane @arsowon @aesthelliec @lovelyweepingrebel @marvelranger @lovelylostminds 

[bestofbucky]

Imagine the reader tells Bucky she’s in love with him, and dumbass Bucky thinking he’s protecting her from himself tells her that he doesn’t love her back, and they try to still be friends, but a few months later, he sees reader getting REAL close with Loki, and Bucky does NOT like that AT ALL 😭

ROOFTOP.

Pairings: Bucky x Reader, platonic!Loki x Reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: Angst, swearing, happy ending.

A/N: Thank you for this request :) Hope you like it!

Divider by me.

Looking out at the skyline of New York City you sighed. This was your favourite thing about living at the tower. You found yourself coming up to the roof a lot. When you wanted to get away from the constant movement and excitement of your life, you would find a moment of stillness here, you especially loved it at sunset and sunrise.

The rest of the Avengers all knew this was your special place, they wouldn’t bother you when you’re up here because they know how much it helps you. This time is different though. You had asked Bucky to meet you up here at sunset, hoping the environment around you would soothe your nerves. It seemed to be working, but then again Bucky hadn’t arrived yet.

It was as if he heard you thinking about him because not two seconds later, the metal door was opening and he stepped out.

He was wearing grey sweatpants and a white shirt that his muscles were threatening to rip apart. The warm glow off the sun on his skin, making him look ethereal, like a god sent down from the heavens above.

He searched around for you, his eyes finally meeting with yours. His smile grew wider and his eyebrows raised as he made his way over to you. Finally getting to you he pulls you into a hug. You happily accept, breathing in his scent hoping it will calm you like it normally does but it has the opposite effect.

Your mind goes into overdrive and you suddenly regret asking him up here. What if he doesn’t feel the same? What if you misread all the loving touches and subtle glances? What if you confess your feelings and you end up losing him forever?

“Doll?” Bucky's voice draws you out of your head. “Everything ok? You seem tense.”

You look up at him, he has a concerned look on his face. Taking a deep breath you nod.

“I’m fine Bucky, just a little nervous.” You explain but it only seems to confuse him more.

“Nervous for what?” He asks and you suddenly find great interest in the floor. Memories of time you have spent with Bucky come flooding into your mind. Movie nights where you two always sit together, whether there is room for you both or not. Mornings when Bucky will have your favourite breakfast prepared for when you wake up. Sparring together but ending up rolling around the mats in a tickle fight instead of a fist fight. You push it all aside and take a deep breath.

“I asked you up here for a reason.” You tell him. His eyes catch the sunlight and you are mesmerised. You remember the first time you noticed his eye colour. You’d had a nightmare and went to Bucky’s room hoping he could help you. He held you, telling you stories from his childhood, the rhythm of his voice soothing you off to sleep. You had woken up in his arms, feeling safer than ever before. The sunlight streamed in through the windows and when Bucky had opened his eyes, they were striking, you had wondered how you’d never noticed the colour before. It was in that moment you realised you had fallen for Bucky.

Two months later brought you here, in front of Bucky, on the roof, finally having the courage to confess your feelings.

“I asked you up here, to tell you that I love you.” You hold your breath waiting for his response but nothing comes. He stands there, completely silent. You can’t read the expression on his face but it looks close to one of fear.

“Please say something.” Your voice comes out barely above a whisper but you know he heard you. Finally he breaks the silence.

“I’m sorry doll,” he is looking everywhere except you. “I just don’t feel the same.”

Ouch. Like a punch to the gut suddenly all your worst fears seem to have come true. You try hard to stop the tears from forming in your eyes but it’s useless. Bucky still won’t look at you and it’s driving you mad.

“Look at me Bucky.” You try but it is like talking to a wall, he has closed off and there is no getting through to him. You can’t believe it. You don’t believe it. So you try one last time.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love me.” Your voice is weak from focusing your energy on trying to not cry. This is your attempt at a last resort, hoping he is just scared, that you didn’t misread the situation and he does love you back.

He sighs and looks at you finally. “I don’t love you, not like that. We are friends doll, nothing more.” His once calm blue eyes were now icy and uninviting. You feel like such an idiot for thinking your feelings would be reciprocated. Why would anyone as good as Bucky love someone like you.

You nod finally able to speak, “I think you should go.”

3 Months Later

You haven’t been up to the rooftop since that evening. Every time you tried you felt the same pain in your chest you had felt that day, when he told you he didn’t love you. That day changed you, your walls went up and no one was allowed close enough to try and knock them down.

Bucky tried to stay friends, he would still save you a space for movie night, he would still make your breakfast for you. So you stopped going to movie night, and started getting up earlier than him. It was too painful to have him at such a close distance but still out of reach.

Then, a month ago, Loki came to stay at the tower. You had met him a few times before but they were just passing moments. This time you had bumped into him on one of your ‘I can’t sleep’ walks. He thought it would be funny to get inside your mind. Although he quickly realised it was the opposite. Still, he took it upon himself to cheer you up and help you move on from Bucky.

Apart from when he got inside your head without your permission, you liked spending time with Loki. He is funny and charming and most of the time he helps you get your mind off a certain super soldier.

It’s movie night tonight. Loki told you he was going to save you a seat. Which is why you are currently standing by your door, wondering whether you should go or not. You really miss spending time with everyone, you just don’t know if you are ready to be in close proximity to Bucky.

Fuck it. You would have Loki as your support blanket, you know he would be there for you if anything happened. You took a deep breath and with shaky hands opened the door, making your way to the movie room.

Bucky always made sure he was the first in the movie room on movie night. He held out hope that one day you would decide to join everyone again and when that day came the spot next to him would be saved just for you.

So when he saw you walk through the door and scan the room for a seat he got so excited, this would be the start of your friendship again. This would be the thing to bring you back together and heal the wounds of your broken relationship.

But then your eyes landed on someone that wasn’t him, they brightened the way they used to for him. You made your way over and sat down next to Loki. He immediately wrapped his arm around you pulling you into his side, just like Bucky used to do.

He couldn’t take his eyes off the two of you, he hated how easily Loki could make you laugh, how comfortable you were around him. He hated that Loki was allowed to be near you but he had practically been banished, forced to watch from a distance.

He couldn’t take it any longer, he stood up and stormed out the room, ignoring the calls of his name. Everything Bucky had hoped would happen when he lied and told you he didn’t love you has happened. You are safe, protected from him, happy without him, but it was killing him.

Somehow he found himself on the rooftop. He had been doing that a lot lately, it reminded him of you. The angelic beauty of the New York Skyline. The serenity that allowed his mind moments of calm. It allowed him to get lost in thoughts and visions of you. The only place he could spend time with you was in his head and the rooftop allowed those visions to come easier.

The sound of metal creaking causes his head to shoot towards the now open door where you step out onto the roof. You look around for him, finding him standing by the wall already looking at you.

You walk over and stand next to him, eyes looking ahead at the city that never sleeps. Bucky has to fight the urge to pull you closer, removing the gap between you but it’s too big, too much has happened. Even though you are physically close to him, mentally you are further away than ever.

“I just wanted to make sure you’re alright.” You speak, it’s a sound Bucky knew was a luxury to hear.

“I’m fine doll. Go back and enjoy the movie.” His voice is emotionless but you have missed it nonetheless.

“Why do you do that? Why do you call me doll if we are only friends?” You suddenly feel yourself getting angry, you didn’t misread the situation between you and Bucky, he was the one that led you on.

“Are we even friends?” Bucky laughs but it is still void of any emotion.

“Answer the question.” You growl, showing how serious you are.

“It’s just a nickname.” He brushes off but you still aren’t happy with his answer.

“You don’t call anyone else doll. In fact, you don’t have nicknames like that for anyone. Just me.” You turn to face him but he is still looking ahead.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” He huffs.

“I want you to tell me the truth.” You are shouting now, you can't help it, you are just so frustrated with him. “I want you to tell me why you call me doll and no one else!” He doesn’t speak so you continue. “I want you to tell me why you stormed out just now!” Still no answer. “I want you to tell me why three months ago you looked me in the eye and lied to me!”

That gets his attention. He turns to you quickly, his eyes wide in shock, scanning your face. “I-I didn’t lie to you.” The same look crosses his face as it did three months ago. That look answers your questions without him even having to speak. He was scared, he probably wanted to protect you. You sigh and go to walk away but he grabs your wrist, turning you back around to face him.

“I didn’t lie to you.” He says again, this time with more conviction. You can’t believe he is still too much of a coward to tell the truth.

“Fuck you Bucky.” You know he is lying to you and you hate him for it. You pull your wrist from his grip and stride over to the door but before you can open it a hand on your shoulder is turning you around. Desperation is clear on Bucky’s face as he hurriedly places his hands on either side of your face and presses his lips to yours. It’s eager and it’s bruising but it’s over all too quickly.

He pulls away, his hands still cupping your face, afraid that if he lets go he will lose you.

“Kiss me again.” Your voice comes out in a hoarse whisper. “Please.”

He leans in slowly this time and gently kisses you. He pours everything he has into the kiss and you feel it, you feel his passion, you feel his hunger and most importantly you feel his love. Your lips move fluidly together as he guides you backwards to rest against the door. The cold metal on your skin makes you gasp and Bucky uses this as an opportunity to slip his tongue into your mouth.

Pulling away breathless he rests his forehead on yours, neither one of you ready to open your eyes just yet. When you finally do pull away you are met by those gorgeous blue eyes that you fell in love with and you can’t stop the smile from forming on your lips.

“I love you doll.” He whispers before leaning in again, closing the gap between you and crumbling your walls completely.

Permanent Taglist: @vampirewithbedsidemanners @townwitchbitch @velvetcardiganbucky @courtneychicken @band--psycho @tuiccim

[noritoshiikamo]

this is my first ask for the noritoshi brainrot but imagine tho, maybe drabble or somth, sksksks imagine being noritoshi's classmate or somth and you just KNOW this guy is serious so you make it a goal to make him laugh or at least make him smile, and even miwa and momo encourage you and say they're gonna get you your fav cake or somthing if you succeed so imagine just annoying the hell out of noritoshi, following him around and cracking up puns and jokes anywhere until it even resorts to flirting but this man! does! not budge! and hes just like 😑 all the time until you get so comfy enough with him that you end up liking him cuz maybe reader is a little naive and airheaded sometimes so he balances her chaotic energy out and helps her out when she needs to (he wont admit he treats her as a friend too) and the ONE time she is serious, shes just so sad because her crush on him has grown soooo big and she comes crying to him to confess and goes "yeah ik you wont ever like me but 😭 ily 😭" and boom thats the first time noritoshi laughs out loud because he finds it so funny shes worried about that when he also liked her long ago like idk i just want to see that happen AND NO WAIT THIS IS TOO LONG FOR A DRABBLE HAHAHAHA ANYWAYS ILY HAVE A GREAT DAY BESTIE 💖💖💖💖💖

SUKI MY BESTO FRIENDO OKAY IDK IF THIS SATISFIED YOUR NORITOSHI THIRST, i’ve twerked some parts (im sorry if it doesn’t follow exactly how you wanted) and i hope you enjoy it!!

why won’t you smile? 

“have you always been this serious?”

noritoshi turned his head down, glancing at the shorter girl standing beside him. they have been partners for a while, occasionally switching with todo when necessary. other than the fact that he was older than her, she had always been curious of him.

“explain like i’m stupid, why won’t noritoshi kamo smile?”

even resorting to harassing momo and mai to why noritoshi kamo is such uh-well noritoshi kamo ish. he doesn’t smile, laugh or show any other emotion than discomfort when needed; his forehead just won’t crease to show any reaction and she had turn it into a personal vendetta. they explained that he had always been like that. a natural leader, the future head of a clan and that he was raised away from his mother. he was taught that emotions are bad. that a leader shouldn’t be emotional in his decision making, and that to have emotional connection with another human being is a sign of weakness. which made him a perfect leader.

“that’s fucking ridiculous,” was her only response.

“i swear to god, if you made him laugh, with proof, our next girls’ day out is on me,” mai grinned, brows up as she held her hand to the other girl waiting for her to accept mai’s challenge.

“game on, zenin.”

“i feel like this is the only appropriate reaction when we are about to exorcist some curses,” he explained, so stoic that it made her angry. “okay, but that doesn’t explain the videos, the puns and the jokes. do you have so much botox in your face that you just can’t move your facial muscle?” he let her manhandle him; she had pushed him by his shoulder against the wall of the building they should be exorcising right now. their faces were so close, she was invading his personal space.

he couldn’t explain to why his heart was racing when she held his cheeks.

“why won’t you smile?” she frowned, irritated that he was not even agitated with her sudden behaviour.

he grabbed her wrists, pushing her away to create some boundary between them. she grunted, annoyed that she couldn’t complete her inspection for his odd face.

“i tell you what? if we can finish this job immediately, i’ll tell you what makes me happy.”

her eyes sparkled, mouth a jar as she gasped out loud. to finally know the secret to what makes noritoshi kamo happy? it was something legal but felt so illegal to know. eager to finally find out the secret had her skipping inside with hands welding the spear, completely missing the tiny curl of his lips.

-

“sit still.”

“ouch,” she slapped his hand away.

holding her head down, she whined as he continued dabbing the cotton swab full of iodine on the cut above her nose. annoyed by her antsy behaviour had him cursing, “this is why you don’t barge in and act like you own their asses.” she couldn’t help but to smile. “but it works didn’t it, kamo?” she grinned. they sat on the bench at the nearby park few blocks away from the same building they had completed the exorcism.

as they were waiting for the college’s assistant to come pick them up, he helped her with her wounds. nothing major just a couple of scraps and cut on her face. they sat in silence, only accompanied by the sound of crickets and occasionally people walking by. she stared up to his face, so concentrated in cleaning her wound that he didn’t realised that the tip of his tongue poked out of the corner of his lips.

this man looks so beautiful.

“so, what makes you happy?” she suddenly asked, remembering the deal they had few hours ago. he broke his concentration and lowered his hand down. “what’s with you and your obsession to see me laugh?” he decided to indulge his own curiosity before he did the same with hers.

she shrugged, “i’ve heard about your family. i feel like it’s not fair for them to force such a huge responsibility on you,” her hand reached up to cup his cheek, gently rubbing her thumb against his flushed skin, “you deserve to not have your childhood ripped away so quickly.”

he raised his brow up, “what makes you feel that i’m not happy to carry the burden as the heir?”

“i mean, you are always so tense and serious even over small things. it’s okay that the pizza isn’t cut symmetrically, you don’t need to go all karen on the phone with the customer service,” she couldn’t help but to giggle at the memory. he was the reason that they had to wait and starve for an hour because he was not satisfied with the fact that their pizzas weren’t cut accordingly. he rolled his eyes, tossing the used pad away, replacing it with a new one.

“anyway, it’s okay if you don’t want to tell me, i was just messing with you.”

“you.”

her forehead scrunched in confusion, “me?”

he nodded, a small smile crept on his face, “you make me happy.”

noritoshi kamo is smiling.

alarms were going in her mind; her head is empty with nothing, but his smile engrained in her memory. she was frozen in shock at the sight. she opened her lips, but she couldn’t make up words to speak. he shook his head, “just don’t speak,” he whispered as his lips touched hers. her heart was pounding so loudly but she didn’t care as she threw herself into his arm, the sound of his laughter sent shivers up her spine. pressing her body closer into his, she looked down on his now opened eyes, he looked way more beautiful when he smiled.

“you have no idea how long i’ve wanted to kiss you,” he confessed.

“the feelings are completely mutual, noritoshi.”

when they returned to college next morning, mai and momo couldn’t understand to how she had her fingers intertwined with noritoshi’s. the man retained his neutral face as he leaded her down the hall to grab lunch, but she couldn’t help but to turn around and stuck her tongue out in victory.

noritoshi kamo is capable of smiling; but only to her and only her.

© all content belongs to noritoshiikamo. do not modify or repost.

[alyimoss]

to me, xpap is pretty close to a "perfect" swap papyrus by my own metrics. bc ill be honest, i personally have never liked the traditional "sans is now just papyrus, papyrus is now just sans" swap. ive always preferred swaps like ts underswap, where their roles (and maybe some aspects of their personalities) are swapped, but theyre still distinct characters rather than preexisting ones wearing a different shell. xpap is that to me.

he retains classic's positivity. he retains his energy and his motivation. pretty sure jakei has explicitly said that, like classic, xpapyrus has that belief in every single person, though id say he takes a different approach to it.

he's more violent. more likely to kill. classic is actually more violent than people give him credit for: sure, he wont kill you, but hell give you a pretty fucking brutal beating, and he's always stoked to spar with undyne, which as you can imagine is not a harmless process on eother side bc its fucking undyne. but he wont kill, because a huge facet of his character is his own moral code (his integrity if you will gets shot gets shot gets shot), and that includes not resorting to killing because of his belief that anyone can be a better person if they try! and you cant really try if youre dead.

xpapyrus has killed and will kill, most likely because thats something he has been trained for. not necessarily in the royal guard - i dont see them training to kill bc their whole thing was protecting frisk and not rlly agitating humanity too much?? which wouldnt work too well if they were killing them constantly. but i do see them resorting to it in extreme situations - i think xgaster and the way he raised them plus his own pushing his sons (and others) in certain directions to better suit his future wouldve contributed to that a lot more. however, we dont have much on that really (or if we do i havent seen it. sigh why must so much xtale content be deleted...)

despite his positivity, he is noticeably more jaded than classic, most likely because he knows the circumstances of his universe and his being. he's more laid-back, im pretty sure in the timeline x comic he tells cross to take a nap and says something implying that they have the classic swap thing of "now papyrus is the nap guy while sans hates naps and sleeping", which i think fits.

at least from what weve see so far, xpap seems less. "performative", lets say. because despite his morals, classic pap is also known for sort of. playing a role. he plays the confident cool guy who has lots of friends and admirers and therefore doesnt need any more, and thats not to say that he isnt cool and awesome, but that he feels the need to compensate for his insecurities via the "fake it til you make it" method. also, if you pay attention to things like his phone call dialogues, you see him constantly contradicting himself and switching what he does and doesnt know depending on who's with him. he has a delicately and deliberately crafted persona, tailored to the people around him so they can find him more likeable. i dont really see xpapyrus doing that.

he seems more open, less willing to be pushed around. thats not to say classic is a pushover - hed object to something like, that, too. but hes more likely to go along with certain things if he thinks itll make him more likeable. like his phonecall with undyne in grillbys. she says she fucking loves grease, so papyrus backtracks on his grease hate to talk about how much he loves it (but also, i believe if you talkto him in front of his house when undynes there too, he outright admits he doesnt like grease?? so idk what changes between that and the grillby's phonecall. maybe the fact that in the latter, undyne specifically expresses an opposition to his own opinion and he feels if they clash like that, their friendship will be tarnished?? idfk this man is a mystery to everyone but himself but probably himself also). i think if it was xpap instead, hed just agree to disagree, or maybe start a like. play-argument of sorts.

same thing i can see with a scene like the one where you see undyne for the first time - he tries to tell her that frisk is cool and friendly and they dont have to fight and she doesnt have to kill them!! but undyne is clearly unhappy w this idea and papyrus backs down pretty quickly (though he obviously still works to help you bc he wants to be friends rather than enemies). xpapyrus i think would not back down, at least not so easily.

and i think his belief in people is different from classic's in the way that, yes, he does believe people can be good. he does believe in choices and the ability to make the right ones. he also, however, believes that he doesnt have to stick around for that shit if he doesnt want to. he believes that sometimes, too much is too much, that anyone can make the right choice, and in this moment his right choice is getting rid of whoever has wronged him. "dont kill" isnt imprinted in his moral code like it seems to be for classic, so hes more. "flexible" in his options for dealing with people who just wont listen. he wont go out of his way to injure or kill, but hes not above doing those things for whatever reason he deems necessary (and i do believe it has to be a necessity for him, he wont do it otherwise).

like overall he very much still evokes "classic papyrus" - hes full of positivity and energy, he sticks to his morals and beliefs, he loves to fight, he believes in people. but hes also more "mature", a bit more mellow. he's laid-back. he's measured in his views and expectations of people. he's more "open", more willing to be himself no matter the situation or who hes around. honestly, id say hes a swap papyrus if, rather than the swap being in relation to being more "sans-like", it was more about being the opposite of being "papyrus-like", if you know what i mean.

idk theres a lot i dont know. what i do know, however, is that i love and care him. if he doesnt play a big role in 0.8, either part one or part 2 (or both) i will riot.

if you do find the comic you were talking abt... tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell me tell m

ok so. i talk a lot about how cross is a swap sans, and his au is a mashup of a classic and swap timeline, right?

well. xpapyrus also acts like a swap papyrus too i feel. obviously he’s not entirely a swap pap, given how he’s in the royal guard and has a lot of energy and more outgoing personality. he’s a blend of a classic and swap papyrus. given the outgoing ability and efficiency while keeping some swap papyrus traits. notably, how willing he is to harm others. obviously he’s not going around beating the shit out of people, but unlike classic papyri, he would hurt or even kill people. this includes cross, his brother. “he remembered the cruelty of xgaster”, classic papyrus in underverse after remembering all of the resets didn’t dare harm frisk, the person making his universe’s resets happen.

crazy how xpapyrus says this given he completely had the intention to kill cross. like he was 100% willing did you see those blasters. also stop deadnaming your brother :(

he’s also generally been a fairly snarky kid compared to cross. cross fears xgaster as a child (because xgaster is implied to beat the shit out of his kids. crazy how we ignore that one), and still does as an adult, but as a child it’s. it’s obvious yk? but papyrus never really gave a shit. xgaster can mistreat him all he wants but he’s going to call him out whenever applicable. in the ‘looks like we have to kill this guy steven’ meme, he would be garnet. he and 1-S would be friends as kids because both would most likely let their gasters die under certain circumstances, whilst 2-P and cross would be more similar (both want approval and acceptance from their fathers/gasters, and both defended him despite how there is literally no reason to not let him die, etc).

also, compared to classic papyrus, xtale papyrus is more laid back at times. there’s this comic jakei made ages ago which shows it really well and i’m trying to find it but god it’s so old and also deleted i think. i have it saved somewhere hold on. WDYM I DONT HAVE IT SAVED. hold on. wow ok 2 hours later and i have no idea where it is. but he’s chiller than the other papyri and more comparable to swap papyrus at timessigh

idk just thinking