#which is both boy and girl group blogs | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

gendercensus · 2 years ago

Text

Shaking up the checkbox system

Some of you might already be aware that I’m considering a new system for choosing which terms are on the checkbox identity list in future annual surveys, because this year's results under the existing system would result in the addition of 12 new terms, and none would be removed - making the checkbox identity list 45 terms long. (We usually add 1-4 new words per year and maybe remove one, so +12 and -0 is very unusual!)

At 33 this year it was already too long. People were struggling to find their identities in the list even with the filter, which risks data quality as they use the textboxes instead, and increases the risk of the participant abandoning the survey. We also get a lot of people saying stuff like “you should explain what these terms mean, because I’ve not heard of half of them” - that sense of alienation is another thing that increases the likelihood of a participant closing the tab before the end.

I’ve been running a consultation since just before I posted the 2022 report, and there have been 1,339 responses, which is pretty great - thank you all very much for your participation!

This blog post will go over the hypothetical checkbox list under the established and the proposed selection systems, combined with (and informed by) the results from the consultation survey. We’ll start with an overview of the list under both systems, and then I’ll go into more detail on how each list was constructed and why.

THE ESTABLISHED SYSTEM

Under the current system, the checkbox list will look like this next year:

agender

androgyne

autigender

bigender

binary

boy

boygirl

butch

cisgender

demiboy

demigender

demigirl

dyke

enby

fag

faggot

feminine

femme

gay (in relation to gender)

gender non-conforming

genderfluid/fluid gender

genderflux

genderfuck

genderless

genderqueer

gendervoid

girl

girlboy

guy

lesbian (in relation to gender)

man

masculine

neutral

nonbinary

queer (in relation to gender)

questioning or unknown

trans

trans*

transfeminine

transgender

transmasculine

transsexual

woman

xenogender

none / I do not describe myself / person / "I'm just me"

That’s 45 checkboxes. Terms in bold would be new for 2023. In the survey they would be presented in a randomised order, to reduce primacy and recency bias. (Unfortunately, for bias reduction reasons I cannot sort or categorise terms in the survey in any way.)

There would also be up to 20 textboxes directly underneath where participants can type their identities that were not listed as checkboxes.

THE PROPOSED SYSTEM

Here’s what the checkbox list would look like next year under the proposed system:

agender

binary

cisgender

dyke

enby

fag

gender non-conforming

genderfluid/fluid gender

genderqueer

man

nonbinary

queer (in relation to gender)

questioning or unknown

trans

transfeminine

transgender

transmasculine

woman

none / I do not describe myself / "I'm just me"

That’s 19 checkboxes. Terms in bold would be new for 2023. In the survey they would be presented in a randomised order, to reduce primacy and recency bias. (Unfortunately, for bias reduction reasons I cannot sort or categorise terms in the survey in any way.)

There would also be up to 20 textboxes directly underneath where participants can type their identities that were not listed as checkboxes.

HOW THE ESTABLISHED SYSTEM WORKS

The 1%/3% thresholds

Currently, if a word/term is typed into a textbox by over 1% of respondents in either the 30-and-under or the 31-and-over age group, I add it to the checkbox list.

The age group thing is to make sure that over-30s, who usually only make up about 14% of responses, see words in the checkbox list that they can relate to - so that they don’t look at the survey, see a bunch of stuff that feels alienating, and then immediately check out and close the tab.

If I add a word that has a very clearly corresponding word, that is added to the list too for completeness and comparison, even if it wasn’t entered by over 1% of participants. (For example, if I add transmasculine I have to add transfeminine, or if I add transgender I have to add cisgender.)

When the list started to get a bit too long, I added another rule that lets me remove words from the checkbox list when they become less popular. Words selected by under 3% of both 30-and-unders and 31-and-overs should be removed from the checkbox list, unless they correspond with another more popular word that is remaining on the list.

The removal threshold is higher than the addition threshold, because when a word is a checkbox it is selected more often than it would have been entered into a textbox. Now that I have more data on The Checkbox Effect, I’m aware that the 3% threshold is too low and would need to be higher.

HOW THE PROPOSED SYSTEM WORKS

Multiply and rank

Now that 12 checkboxes have been added over the years and 2 have been removed, we are in a position to observe how much more often a term is selected as a checkbox than it would have been written in.

I call this the Checkbox Effect, which is the tendency for a term to appear to become suddenly more popular when it gets added to the checkbox list. I speculate that it might be because a checkbox reminds people of a term that they do relate to, but that they might not have independently thought of as a term to write into a textbox. (Also, checking a box is easier than typing something.)

The best way to show you what I mean by this is to show you on a spreadsheet:

(I’d show you the numbers for the checkboxes that have been removed, but there’s only two and they’re not suitable for use in this exercise - one is 36.7x and one is 6.5x!)

So just to make sure we’re all on the same page:

Right at the top, gender non-conforming was typed into the textboxes by 1.1% of participants in 2018, and after it was added to the checkbox list it was chosen by 24.3 times as many people in 2019.

Right at the bottom, demigender was typed in by 4.1% of participants in 2015, and when it was added to the checkbox list in 2016 it was chosen by 14.8% of participants, which was 3.6 times as many people.

That’s quite a wide range, but let’s use the median of 8.9 as the multiplier. (I often find that with sets like this, which have a couple of very high or very low outliers that would skew a mean, the median is more accurate.) The plan would go something like this:

Choose an optimal number of checkboxes to have in the list. Enough that everyone can choose at least one, but not so many that it gets hard to find your identity/identities on there, and not so many that it gets exhausting to scroll through and make a decision about each one (which is a thing that some participants do like to do). For the purposes of this explanation, let’s say the optimal number of checkboxes is 🥑 (an avocado emoji).

Use the multiplier (8.9x). Assume that a textbox answer would be chosen 8.9 times as often if it was a checkbox. Multiply all write-ins by 8.9. So if a term is typed in 10 times, its total (for the purposes of this exercise only) becomes 10 x 8.9 = 89.

Combine the checkbox terms (and their statistics) with the textbox terms (and their multiplied statistics), and rank them by [popularity/assumed popularity] descending, i.e. with the most popular at the top of the list.

Choose the top 🥑 terms to be checkboxes in next year’s survey.

So, we simulate how popular a write-in would be, in order to compare it to existing checkboxes and decide whether or not it should be on the list.

When we multiply a textbox term in this way, we are guessing at how popular it would be. (For this reason, we can’t use this guesswork in the reports or the spreadsheets of results, this method would only be used to work out which terms will be checkbox options.) As we saw in the above table, the multiplier isn’t an exact, fixed number - it’s kind of a judgement call. My choice depends on a lot of factors that we can’t really see properly. What causes some words to become only 3x more “popular” and some words to become 10x more popular, or more? That means that when we choose a multiplier, we have to take into account that:

If we choose a higher multiplier, more of the uncommon words get a chance to be added to the checkbox list, which gives more different people a chance to be and feel represented by the survey - but there might be a lot of different words being added and removed year-to-year, and some more popular and well-established words might be removed from the list than they should be;

If we play it safe and choose a lower multiplier, the list would be more stable from year to year, but some textbox terms that are genuinely becoming more popular than checkbox words might appear to be less popular.

So, as I said above, the median Checkbox Effect is 8.9x. We don’t have any experience of using this method to go on, so we might as well use that for now. (We can adjust it in response to new data etc. in future years, which is reassuring.)

Next let’s choose 🥑 - the ideal number of checkbox items in the list.

In the consultation I asked people what a comfortable number of checkboxes would be for them. Here’s the results:

That’s 29.1% saying 11-20 checkboxes, followed by 25.2% saying 21-30 checkboxes. So I’d like to keep it to between 11 and 20 checkboxes, and within that margin I’d feel more comfortable aiming higher. Let’s say 🥑 = 20 next year and see how it goes.

I’m guessing you don’t need to know the exact ins-and-outs, but if I choose the same number of words from the top 10 of each of the two age groups (12), combine them (13 unique terms), and factor in the terms that have to be there no matter what (2) and the “opposites” that I would have to add automatically (4), the list is 19 items long and looks like this when sorted alphabetically:

agender

binary

cisgender

dyke

enby

fag

gender non-conforming

genderfluid/fluid gender

genderqueer

man

nonbinary

queer (in relation to gender)

questioning or unknown

trans

transfeminine

transgender

transmasculine

woman

none / I do not describe myself / "I'm just me"

Dyke and fag are new. If the multiplier we chose is too high, those two words will be less popular than expected next year, and they might fall back off the checkbox list for 2024.

I feel like most people could probably choose at least one of the listed identities, but if they can’t, they will have 20 textboxes directly underneath.

ADDRESSING CONCERNS ABOUT THE PROPOSED SYSTEM

Some participants expressed concern that some established and popular words would leave the checkbox list. The following words from the current checkbox list would be lost:

androgyne

bigender

boy

butch

demiboy

demigender

demigirl

femme

gay (in relation to gender)

genderflux

genderless

gendervoid

girl

lesbian (in relation to gender)

neutral

trans*

When I say they would be “lost”, that makes it seem pretty negative, but participants would still be able to type those words into the textboxes, and those textbox entries would be counted, receive the multiplier treatment, and then be considered for inclusion in the checkbox list the following year.

Some people also said that they would feel unhappy about me “moving the goalposts”, by saying this year that a word would be added to the checkbox list if it went over 1%, and then introducing new criteria after some new words meet the old criteria - so some words that should have been on the list next year will not be. For the record, the eight words that went over 1% this year in one of the two age groups and that would not be added to the checkbox list under the proposed system are:

autigender

boygirl

faggot

genderfuck

guy

masculine

transsexual

xenogender

I can definitely understand there being some annoyance about this! But data quality is already suffering with 33 checkbox options, and I’m more than a little bit worried about what would happen if that list went up to 45.

And the thing about annoyance is, I pretty much annoy people every year, even when I stick to the rules I made and am very clear and transparent about. For example, I constantly get emails and comments in the feedback box saying that I should add various terms to the checkbox list because they are marginalised or otherwise very deserving of increased visibility, even though they have never been typed in by anywhere near 1% of participants, and sometimes are not even related to gender. (Two-spirit, intersex, and plural spring to mind.) And, over the years, people have consistently asked me to remove terms from the identity checkbox list and the pronoun list because they’re (sometimes, in some contexts, to some people) offensive, even when those terms/pronouns are very popular. (Mainly queer, trans* [no footnote], and it/it pronouns.)

So there’s two relevant things I factor into my decisions here:

The checkbox list is not a winner’s podium or an attempt at correctness (political or otherwise); it exists to improve data quality and to make the survey easier to fill in for the majority of participants. The bar for inclusion on the checkbox list has been incredibly low thus far (1% in only one of the two age groups), and if your word doesn’t meet it, the checkbox is unlikely to have much effect aside from confusing people. While your identity terms are valid and do deserve visibility and recognition, a checkbox in a survey is intended to observe that visibility/recognition, not create it.

While the Checkbox Effect undoubtedly exists and does make some terms appear more or less popular than they actually are (and I don’t think there is anything I can do about that short of ditching checkboxes and doing only textboxes) (no I will not do that), if it didn’t exist I’m pretty sure the order of the top of the list wouldn’t actually change that much. Words that are typed into the textboxes are counted and any word can be looked up in the results spreadsheet, even if it has been entered only once.

A lot of people said that they don’t like the checkbox list being limited at all, and every identity should be on there. I’d refer those people to point 1 above, and I would also suggest that perhaps you don’t want all 14,622 unique textbox entries on the checkbox list. You probably don’t even want the 2,665 entries that were typed in more than once.

A few people said that they really like poring over the checkbox list and considering whether each identity applies to them. That’s understandable, speaking as a person who spends two months of the year poring over lists of genders literally thousands long! However, if the survey is enjoyable that’s a happy side effect. The survey’s main goal is to collect very specific information from as many people as possible, as easily/quickly/efficiently as possible.

A bunch of people suggested a fancy question/answer design where there’s a textbox, and you start typing a word, and if the word is a checkbox it makes you check the box, and if the word isn’t a checkbox it lets you enter it as a textbox answer instead. This sounds extremely fancy and I love it, but:

It would be more complicated to code;

People have a filter for that question already and they’re either not seeing it or not using it, because they’re still typing checkbox terms into textboxes.

I feel that the solution here isn’t more fancy/complex design, which also carries more risk of going wrong on different platforms and all that jazz. I know it’s a little cliché, but in design it’s often true that less is more.

A couple of people expressed concern that it might be confusing if the list of identities changed a lot from year to year, and while I think that might be true for some people, at least 71% of participants this year had never done the annual survey before, and I suspect that might be fairly typical. Of those who are familiar with the annual survey and read all the reports, I’m sure a lot of them won’t have memorised last year’s list. And I don’t think it would affect whether or not people can answer that question in the survey, which is the important thing.

Several people said that they would only support it if the multiplier could be adjusted as appropriate with new data each year, which is absolutely something that I would want to do. Great minds, great minds.

And finally, it is inevitable that if the list gets shorter more people will have to type their identities. I’m hoping that fewer people typing in words that are already on the checkbox list will make up for this.

MY DECISION

I think I’ve got to go for it and implement the proposed system.

As for whether I should implement it for 2023 or wait until 2024, before I processed the textbox identities I was still on the fence - but after finding out that the list would grow to 45 checkboxes next year under the current system... I didn’t fall off the fence, I was shoved off it very enthusiastically.

Thankfully, most people are in favour of the system (only 5% against), and about two-thirds are either in favour or very in favour of it being implemented immediately.

CONCLUSIONS

Yeah, I think I have to do it, and I think I have to do it right away! I’ll use this system for the identity checkboxes only for 2023, and if it works well I’ll consider trying it for titles and pronouns for 2024.

Also, I’m really glad I did the consultation. I feel a lot better knowing how you all feel about it in advance, and people suggested a lot of potential challenges, which gave me a chance to consider all the pros and cons before making a decision.

And, as a couple of people pointed out in the consultation, I can try it for one year, and if it doesn’t work I can switch back to the old system or try something new.

Thank you everyone for your input! And, in case you missed it, you can read the 2022 report here. You can also support this project on Patreon here, and you can sign up to be notified when the 2023 survey opens by signing up to the mailing list here.

#meta #consultation #identity #survey design #results

92 notes · View notes

magicalgirlgrimoire · 2 years ago

Text

Genesis of Genre: Part 4

Post modern Puella Magi and what the future holds for Magical Girl as a genre

Author’s note:

I wrote the bulk of this essay the same time as the previous essays I’d posted to this blog. There’s an interjection partway through that notes where I begin to rewrite parts, and you can check the addendum at the very bottom of the page if you want to read about my meek return.

The “Golden Age” of Japanese Magical Girl media would be the 90’s and early 2000’s, introducing us to to genre defining series like Sailor Moon and Card Captor Sakura, alongside the more Avant-Garde series like Utena. As mentioned previously, Sailor Moon ushered in an array of series clearly influenced by it’s sentai style dynamic, but those kinds of stories are much more rare these days. I believe we are instead in a Post-Modern age of Magical Girl Media. It’s more common to see a deconstruction or subversion of the archetypical Magical Girl narrative as opposed to seeing it played straight. While some pick up on the darker elements of the genre, others choose to subvert expectations; we’ve had everything from stripper angel magical girls to anime centred around groups of magical boys in the last decade. However, not all series are made equally, and in this (perhaps overly long) segment we’re going to look over the Magical Girl genre hits of the mid 2000s to the 2010s.

Utena began the dialogue with darker themes; Akiyuki Shinbo’s 2004 Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha continued it. Nanoha is notable in being one of the first contemporary Magical Girl shows that was not aimed at young girls; instead it was a seinen, aimed at young men. We’d previously had lots of instances of men writing series, along with an uninvited male gaze, but these series were still targeting an audience of young girls. Nanoha is also different than pre-Sailor Moon examples like Cutie Honey, which is a Shounen, as instead of being more of an action comedy, it delved into darker themes of abuse, on top of being a spin off of an erotica visual novel game; all of which is made much more disturbing when we remember the characters are all elementary school aged children.

Real talk for a moment: it sucks a genre that started out being about young women’s friendships and dreams for the future eventually got turned into torture porn for crusty men. And it didn’t stop with Nanoha.

Shinbo returned in 2010 with the acclaimed Puella Magi Madoka Magica, the huge franchise that now comprises the original anime, several films and countless spin-off manga. I’ll save my complex feelings towards Madoka for another time; the key point is that for better or worse, it is a definitive deconstruction of all Magical Girl media that comes before it. Madoka succeeds in examining the human experience of suddenly being thrust into a world of aliens and magic better than it’s predecessors. The character’s youth and immature decision making is central to the story, and the tragedy stems from the magical girls being children who act rashly and aren’t able to fully process the consequences of their choices until it’s too late. While there is a portion of the audience that is undoubtedly there to view misery being inflicted to young girls for whatever gross whims, it can’t be argued that Madoka’s narrative managed to be compelling to people of all ages and genders, and that is a strength of it’s story. However at the same time, it also lead to a lot of copycats, just like Sailor Moon before it, because there is unfortunately a market for teenage girl torture porn. Please look forward to my Black Rock Shooter hit piece.

On the possibly brighter side, we also had more comedic subversions. First, there’s the very specific brand of Magical Girl shows that Studio Gainax and Trigger started putting out in the 2010s; both Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt and Kill La Kill take the sexualisation of the female body present in old school works like Cutie Honey to the logical extremes, and despite being so overtly sexual and fan-servicey, both wind up completely absurd by the end of it. These are obvious subversions of the idea of Magical Girls as pure and innocent; Panty and Stocking is particularly interesting because of how it blends Japanese and American art styles – particularly cartoons like The PowerPuff Girls- to create a cute and cartoony presentation that contrasts with the crass humour and antics of its titular characters. Conversely, I remember watching Kill La Kill during it’s original run and being stunned that by the end of it, when the finale happens and all the characters are completely naked, I was astounded to find I’d become completely desensitised to the naked human form (all this before 3 years of life drawing).

-a future interjection- I’m writing this at the time of posting. The part of the essay you just read is a part I’ve mulled over for over a year. My original essay from 2017, which I’m using as a basis for this much larger work, spoke quite favourably of both Kill La Kill and Panty & Stocking. I think I simply could not leave it as is.

I recently rewatched parts of both Panty and Stocking and Kill La Kill. Surprisingly, Panty and Stocking held up well, so this isn’t about them. Kill La Kill on the other hand simultaneously held up better and much, much worse than my first watch during it’s original run. (I think I might begin doing straight up reviews for shows soon; but that’s for another post)

My main thought upon rewatch was my attitude now, and my attitude nearly 10 years ago is a real reflection of the ways popular feminism, and my own ideologies have shifted over time. Originally, I’d felt the display of the main character’s bodies, that they were powerful and strong while wearing the skimpiest chainmail bikinis, was almost a power move. I especially admired Satsuki’s character, being someone so unflinchingly determined, and feeling no shame in her body as she served a higher conviction.

I just don’t think I can look at the show in the same way now. Yes, the show is still absurd; I do still think it veers into the surreal. But its far more uncomfortable than I remember.

Either way, both these shows still serve as a perfect subversions of the classic magical girl story. -end-

Sliding across the spectrum, there’s also the notable increase in shows that star Magical Boys. On paper this might seem like a thoughtful take on how we present young men but in reality most of these series are played for comedy and or fanservice for a female demographic. Though I’m sure there’s merits to it, it’s a far cry from earlier Magical Girl series which deeply examined themes of gender and sexuality. At best, these are missed opportunities!

We’ve also seen an uptick in remakes and sequels to more nostalgic franchise; Sailor Moon Crystal is the notable example, as is Card Captor Sakura’s Clear Card Arc which is currently ongoing. Tokyo Mew Mew, at the time of writing, has now seen two separate revivals with the short lived magical boy spin off (???) and now with a new anime version airing as I write this! I think the revisiting of these older properties is both a symptom of our expected nostalgic media cycles (see, the 30/20 year cycle), but also a reflection of the current want to revisit late 90’s and Y2K media again, and companies as always being more willing to bank on pre-existing franchise.

The last few decades of Magical girl media has, to be honest, been a mixed bag. However there is one, single shining light for me, and that is 2013’s Little Witch Academia, and it’s subsequent sequel film and anime series. Somehow, the creators of Kill La Kill, the most edgy, ludicrously sexual and action orientated Magical Girl show in recent years also created the most sweet and wholesome. Little Witch Academia takes the genre right back to its roots, utilising the Magical Witch Archetype with a main character named Akko, just like the heroine of years passed, and centres the relationships between the students and teachers at their magical academy. The series also stands out from Trigger’s other works as it didn’t start out as a syndicated show; the original OVA was Trigger’s first outing, created as a project for new animators, and its sequel film was crowdfunded to increase it’s original runtime of 20 minutes to a full 50. The eventual series was created in collaboration with Netflix, and I believe this alternate production also lends to why Little Witch Academia successfully unshackles itself from the troubling tropes that have stagnated Magical Girl media in recent years. Little Witch Academia is the genre returned to it’s primordial state; devoid of fan service and rich in substance, it’s a love letter to the genre.

Addendum:

I started writing this blog around the winter of 2020/Jan 2021. A lot of terrible things have happened in my personal life since then but recently, I started feeling like I could write some essays again, for fun. This particular essay had been sitting in my storage since back then too. As I said in the post, part of what made me not publish it until now is because I'd started to re-contextualise some of the writing with my current views, and it felt incomplete to post it as I'd written it; as in, quite true to my perspectives in my original 2017 essay. I still have a lot I want to write, both based on my original work and also large pieces, but I think I might start writing the essays out of order+mix in some more general reviews with my personal thoughts added in. I do intent to write a more contextual essay about western magical girl shows, but I'll leave that for later maybe! Thank you everyone who followed this blog and read my work so far. I hope I can start posting more frequently!

#Revolutionary girl utena #sailor moon #puella magi madoka magica #magical girl lyrical nanoha #magical girl essay #context #cutie honey #tokyo mew mew #little witch academia #kill la kill #panty and stocking #black rock shooter

77 notes · View notes

jungkxook · 4 years ago

Text

—make it right. (m)

⟶ pairing: jungkook x reader

⟶ genre: punk!jungkook / band au / exes-to-lovers au / angst / smut

⟶ words: 11,528

⟶ rating: 18+

⟶ summary: you’re wholeheartedly, madly in love with jungkook and yet you shouldn’t be because it’s been almost a year since you broke up with him. worst part of it all is that you know he’s still in love with you too

⟶ warnings: jungkook has a tongue piercing, oral sex because of said tongue piercing (fem!recieving), more tattooed and long haired jungkook to feed my fantasies, angsty pining clingy sex, also just general soft sex, crying sex lol, riding, creampie, slight praise kink themes, unprotected sex

⟶ disclaimer: here’s my one year blog anniversary present inspired by the first ever fic i posted on here! yes this is technically a sequel to melomaniac but not really. sort of like an alternate universe to the alternate universe but you don’t really have to read one or the other to understand the other. so, i hope you enjoy!

⟶ this is part of the melodrama tour series!

You swear you’re over Jungkook.

In fact, you would even go so far as to say you hate him ━ but you know that’s not true. It’s just that it’s much easier to believe that if you tell yourself you hate him enough times, then maybe you’ll find a way to fix your broken heart, and the pain in his absence won’t hurt so bad.

As it turns out, it hardly works.

Seven months since he had left you to travel the world with his band, basking in promised eternal glory and fame and money, and yet even miles and oceans away from where you stand, he’s all you can think about. There’s a myriad of reasons as to why trying to forget him was an useless endeavour. The hardships of trying to forget a cherished life-long friendship you had grown accustomed to was one of them, and those lingering happy moments you had shared with him as lovers however fleeting they may be was another. But then there was the ever present fact that Jungkook and his band were so quick to rise to fame, their names far exceeding the seemingly cramped and small city you had both reigned from, and suddenly the boy you had known forever, and everything special that makes him, was now being shared to hundreds of millions of adoring fans.

You were certain it was all Jungkook ever wanted, the added attention and the pretty girls fawning over him, because he had always been a casanova in many ways despite always promising you that you were the only one for him even before you had started dating. You had told him it wouldn’t work ━ I trust you as my best friend, you had said in a moment of despair, grasping at straws. I don’t have to worry about you breaking my heart. But I don’t know if I can trust you as my boyfriend ━ far before he and his band had been signed to their record label and paraded around the world, when they were still practicing in rented storage units and friends’ garages and rundown local studios, playing gigs anywhere and everywhere from dingy bars to college campus parties, supporting him every step of the way if only because he was your best friend, and he had been so persistent that it would work, chasing after you even when you tried to push him away. I would treat you right, he had urged so ardently late one drunken night after stumbling back to his apartment. I already practically worship the ground you walk on.

And how could you ━ who had already been so madly in love with him but scared of him breaking your heart, scared of losing him, scared of this happening ━ ever resist him? He made love seem so easy, and maybe that’s because it was when you were with him. But now, he was no longer yours; now, he was the world’s, and you were nothing but a mere hazy fragmented memory in his mind, long forgotten, watching from the side of the stage much like you always had from the very start of it all.

“Hey, isn’t this that band?” Jihyo’s voice bursts through your wandering trail of thoughts.

It takes you a moment to recollect yourself, finding yourself not in the arms of an ex-lover or stuck in a bygone time of months past, but in the cosy and amiable café nearest your campus and frequented by a plethora of your fellow peers. You’re fortunate to find that your other group mates have also become sidetracked, trailing far from the assignment you were all supposed to be working on. Dahyun is perched beside you, chin nestled in the palm of her hand and elbow propped on the table as she scrolls aimlessly through her phone; Jihyo and Taeyong were sat across from you, gossiping fervently about some mutual friend of theirs. You hadn’t known the pair long enough to know much about them or the tragic affair of whoever Mina is for accepting her cheating boyfriend back for the second time, and, likewise, they seem oblivious to your own self-wallowing once you realize what’s caught Jihyo’s sudden attention.

You hear his voice first.

It’s easy to discern, even after all this time and even amongst the muffled chatter and clanking of porcelain and cutlery of those seated around you. The sweet, velvety lull of Jungkook singing throughout the café from the overhead speakers, pretty upbeat melodies and synths mixed with wistful words making up the song he had written for you before he left, before the fame and fans, as a way of telling you how he truly felt about you. It feels like a dream, and maybe that’s because it is, bringing you instantly to another time, and another world. You still remember him showing you the unfinished song for the very first time, curled up next to him in his living room, listening to him serenade you to sleep, humming in places where he hadn’t formed the words yet, strumming along with his acoustic. It was yours and his until he showed the world almost a year ago on their very first show at the Seoul Olympic Stadium in front of thousands of people, as a final desperate act of proclaiming his love for you after a disastrous attempt at a first date that he had begged from you. Just one, he pleaded. To prove it to you that I can be a good boyfriend. And if things don’t work out, we can pretend it never happened and just go back to being us. That’s a promise.

At the time, you had treasured the song. It was beautiful in every way, his love transcending his words and enveloping your heart in pure warmth.

Now, you hate it.

It’s the third time you’ve heard the song that day. Despite avoiding it as best as you could, it seems to find a way to make itself known in your daily life like the nagging nuisance it is. Because fate seemed to enjoy its sadistic behaviour of having the song be one of the main reasons Jungkook and his band had skyrocketed to fame in such a short span of time and, suddenly, Jungkook disappearing from your life meant little when his voice remained as a constant reminder of what could have been, what couldn’t have been, and what fell apart at the already fragile seams. And what was a proclamation of love to you turned into nothing but a fabled tale of lovers. You wonder if people who hear it ever think about where they’ve gone, or who they’ve turned into, or if their love was made to last. You wonder, above all else, if people ever think about it at all.

“Beyond the Scene, right?” Taeyong asks. He seems just as animated to be discussing the song as Jungkook’s voice fades into Jimin’s.

“God, I love this song. It’s so dreamy,” Jihyo lets out a longing sigh as she slumps against her seat. “Y’know, I’m seeing them this Friday. It’s their first time being back in, like, five months.”

“Dude, I’ve been trying to get tickets to see them for months now!” Taeyong gaps incredulously. “How’d you score them?”

“A friend of a friend knows the guy who plays keys,” Jihyo says. “The cute mysterious one.”

“Yoongi, right?”

“Yeah━”

As the pair dive into a passionate discussion about the boys and their first full-length album released under their recently-signed-to label from Columbia Records, you shift uncomfortably in your seat. Dahyun almost immediately straightens up, eyes flickering from the pair to you and back again. You’re both fortunate she’s there, having known your past with Jungkook, and despise it a little more, wondering what her pitying gaze must mean.

“Hey, Dahyun. Y/N.” Taeyong’s voice grabs your attention now. “What do you think of these guys? Didn’t some of them used to go to this school?”

“Yeah, I had a few classes with their drummer.” Dahyun waves her hand airly, swiftly brushing over the fact that she did far more than have a “few classes” with any of the boys but was also one of their closest friends. “I think they’re great━” She glances sideways at you one more time. “Hey, maybe we should get back to the assignment now━”

“I had a class with their lead guitarist, Jungkook, last year,” Jihyo continues, her excitement getting the best of her as Dahyun’s voice drowns out in the foreground.

“No way!” This dubious exclamation comes from Taeyong.

“I tried talking to him once but he totally blew me off,” Jihyo says. “Which is fine, because he’s still hot. If I had known he was gonna be a famous rockstar, I’d have tried asking him out a second time━”

Suddenly, you feel sick.

It’s odd to hear two strangers discuss Jungkook’s life while you’re seated across from them, as if you’re nothing more than an outsider to whoever Jungkook has become now. But you can’t stand it anymore. You’re certain you look insane to them when you push your seat back abruptly, the metal legs screeching against the floor as you stand.

“Whoa, what’s wrong━?” Taeyong starts to ask but you’re gone before he can finish the question, murmuring a half-hearted excuse about how you forgot you needed to be somewhere.

You’ve rounded on your heel and have fled from the café before anyone can try to stop you, with nothing but Jungkook’s mellifluous voice fading in the distance as he croons aloud for you in a time long since passed.

You don’t care. Besides, you’re sure Dahyun will cover for you.

The worst part of it all? The dreadful realization that sinks into your mind, and into your heart, beckons the question: who’s to say you aren’t a stranger now to Jungkook’s life altogether?

“So, what are you trying to say?”

You remember the moment so clearly despite wanting nothing more than to forget it all, and the pain associated with it. Because even from then you knew you would always be in love with Jungkook, but you couldn’t have him. It’s hard to remember whose fault it is this time that caused the sudden fight, though random little arguments had been a frequent occurrence nearing the end of your one year relationship more often than not. You hate blaming it all on him, because you were certain you were at fault too. Maybe a little bit wary at times, a little selfish, wanting him all to yourself. Even though you knew he has an obligation to the world, it still hurt when he started making promises he couldn’t keep, blowing you off for soundchecks, or spontaneous interviews, or record label meetings. More and more you could feel the both of you drifting apart, maybe without even meaning for it to happen.

It was just that Jungkook was destined for a lifetime of greatness, and you were starting to think that meant without you.

You had stopped him late one night after he had stumbled home from his and the band’s nightly studio sessions as they worked through recording their debut album as a signed band. Lately, it seemed as if that was all that Jungkook cared about, and while you knew the band meant the world to him and you would always support him in his endeavour, you couldn’t help but feel lesser in comparison. That, and you hated seeing the boy overwork himself to the point of near exhaustion every night if only because their label was so adamant about having the album finished before the month ended.

“You want to, what? Break up?” Jungkook asked, this time more incredulously and less dumbfounded as he had initially been. He didn’t believe you just yet, but you couldn’t exactly tell what he was thinking anymore at that point.

“I just figured we could use some time apart,” You had suggested awkwardly. “Just a break.”

He had let out a breathless, disbelieving laugh. “Y/N, this is insane.”

You flinched. You remember having to look away, refusing to meet his suddenly sorrowful look. “Is it, Jungkook? I mean… Look at us. We’re falling apart. It was bound to happen eventually. We tried to make it work but maybe we’re on different paths now.”

“But I love you,” Jungkook gasped, exasperated. “Where is this coming from?”

“And I don’t want to have to tie you down for the rest of your life,” You continued on stubbornly, “or make you think you owe me your whole life just because you said you fell in love with me when you were thirteen━”

This seemed to catch Jungkook’s attention. He grew rigid in front of you, a look of wary agony contorting his face. “Is that what this is then? You don’t love me anymore?”

You didn’t respond immediately, instead the dread of the night seemed to finally catch up with you and you had grimaced. You had loved him even then, but the thought of voicing it aloud when you were supposed to be breaking up with him didn’t feel right. The tears began to swell in your throat and blur your vision. Jungkook must have noticed, because he always seems to spot the small things about you that even you miss. Almost instantly, the sour look on his face softened and his gaze turned helpless, with those big puppy-dog eyes that you’ve always been too fond of. He closed the distance between you at once, warm hands grabbing at your own.

“You do.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. He knew you were still in love with him ━ or maybe he’d just been hopeful. “I know you do. So then why are you breaking up with me?”

He let go of one of your hands to reach up to your face, calloused fingers gentle and soft against your cheek as they brushed away a rogue tear you hadn’t realized had fallen from your lashes. For a moment, you had let yourself get carried away. You leaned into the comforting heat and touch of his palm as he cradled your face.

“Don’t━” You choked out after a moment of silence, hating when your voice splintered into a sob. “Don’t touch me. Please, Jungkook. You’re only going to make this harder.”

His hands sprang away from your face almost at once, as if he had just been burnt by scalding fire. He wanted nothing more than to reach out and pull you into his arms but he had refrained the urge somehow, miraculously. So, instead, he grit his teeth and clenched his hands into fists as his arms fell limp at his sides.

“Then don’t do this. Don’t walk away,” Jungkook pleaded desperately. “I don’t understand. If you love me still, why are you making this harder for yourself?”

“Because what if that’s all we have in common anymore?” You asked wretchedly. “We care about each other. We always will. But you’re focused on the band, and this is my last year of school. Maybe we just need time to focus on ourselves.”

Jungkook blinked once. Twice. His stare was suddenly devoid of any emotion as he gawked at you, but you could tell that he was hurting. It was there in the fluttering of nerves in his jaw; there, in the way his lips pulled taut into a thin line; there, in the way even you could see his eyes begin to shimmer with wet tears that he unabashedly displays without trying to wipe away.

“So that’s it?” he asked. “After everything we’ve been through. You’re just gonna end it, like that? Y/N, come on━”

His hands had found purchase on your waist, and you had lingered for a moment too long; then, fumbling, he tried to grab delicately at your face, probing you to look at him. But you couldn’t. The moment you met his wounded gaze, you shook your head furiously. You had slithered out of his grasp, slipping through the seams of his fingers just like that.

“I━” You paused. “This isn’t some spur of the moment decision, Jungkook. How can you not see it? I’ve felt so alone these past few months. It’s like you’re here but not entirely. Your mind is always somewhere else, always thinking about the band and never about us.”

“What am I supposed to do?” he had asked hotly. “The band is my everything.”

“And what am I?” You asked. The question only mildly offended you, a shot right to your heart. Because if the band was his everything, what were you in comparison? “A distraction until you get everything you want? I can’t keep being that.”

“No!” he protested. “You’re not a distraction. You’re━” He stopped himself short, brows furrowing. “You can’t keep pinning this all on me. You just don’t trust me, do you? You never did. Always thinking I’m with some other girl when I’m not with you━”

“That’s not true,” You admonished.

“Isn’t it?” Jungkook retaliated.

“I don’t want to hear it,” You had said at once. Your tone was final, a decisive ending to your argument with him. “My mind’s already been made up, Jungkook. I don’t think we should see each other again until we sort all this out ━ or, until you sort out whatever your priorities are.”

Jungkook’s stare had hardened, a frown deeply etching into his face. He had straightened up then, perplexed and upset with your standoffish demeanour, as if thinking this surely meant nothing to you. But little did he know this would become one of the hardest decisions you would have to make.

“Fine,” he said rigidly. “If that’s how it is, then I’m gone. You’ll never have to see me again.”

You hadn’t known at the time just how terribly you had messed up ━ neither had Jungkook. He had left before you could stop him, or before either of you could change your minds. Because nothing’s worse than a broken heart, blinded by stubborn and defensive rage. Accusatory fingers and blaming him or you wouldn’t heal the wounds that had already formed, and ending things seemed to only make it worse, months of lonely heartache without Jungkook to further prove just that…

The last time you spoke to Jungkook, you told him you never wanted to see him again ━ or, at least, that seems to be how he interpreted it.

Now, you were standing in the midst of his domain, surrounded by everyone in his public sphere of friends and colleagues and acquaintances, and there was certainly no way of escaping him.

You were starting to think you’re losing mind, because you’d truly have to be insane to have worked up the nerve to agree to go with Dahyun to a party being held celebrating the band’s recent tremendous success and headlining their first world tour. Their manager, Jin, had personally reached out to you and Dahyun, calling you as a means of asking you to attend, though you had given him a timid and dismissive response at first. If it hadn’t been for Dahyun purposely and almost quite literally dragging you out under the premise that “even if you don’t want to see Jungkook, you at least owe it to the boys to go,” you don’t think you’d even be here. But while you didn’t know where you stood with Jungkook anymore, that didn’t mean you weren’t still proud of him or the rest of the boys. It just became harder to bask in their success with them when you had gone from knowing every detail of their lives, of Jungkook’s life, to knowing only what you could hear from gossiping fans around you, or plastered in tabloids, or all over any form of social media.

The party is held at some sort of fancy lavish restaurant, the entire back room rented out by the band’s record label and management, and is filled with dozens of people you don’t know. Fortunately, you and Dahyun aren’t left alone for very long, as an elated Jin and Jimin, the appointed lead singer, bustle their way through the crowd to you almost as soon as you arrive, leaving very little time for you to feel so awkward that you consider running away again. Jimin, in all his spritely and extravagant blue haired disposition, wastes no time in engulfing you both in a comforting hug as if months hadn’t passed since you’ve last seen them.

“Glad you guys could make it!” Jin smiles from over Jimin’s shoulder.

“It’s been forever,” Jimin affirms.

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Dahyun says. “I’m surprised you guys didn’t forget about us, considering you’re big rockstars now.”

“Rockstar is a bit of an overstatement.” An effortlessly charming smirk unfurls on Jimin’s face, which seems to immediately dazzle Dahyun. “Besides, we could never forget you. Hey, come with me to find the guys. I think we could all use some time to catch up━”

He places his hand on the small of Dahyun’s back as he guides her away, leaving you with Jin. A moment of silence passes, in which time you can feel the boy’s eyes lingering on you.

“He knows you’re coming tonight, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Jin says carefully, treading over his words lightly. It’s too painfully obvious who he’s talking about, though you’re fortunate he doesn’t bother mentioning Jungkook’s name anyway. “There’s no point in hiding. I think you should talk to him.”

“I━” You trail off uselessly, your voice croaking. Fearing an imminent breakdown, you shake your head. Then, holding your chin a little higher, Jin’s startled to hear you pretend as if he hadn’t said anything. “It really is good to see you guys again. If you’ll excuse me, I think I need a drink.”

And you’re gone once more before he can say anything else. On your lonesome, you find refuge at the bar, though you only order water because you’re certain you won’t be able to stomach anything stronger. You don’t know how long you spend there, blankly staring at a spot on the wall as your mind wanders everywhere and yet nowhere at all until━

“Y/N?”

There it is again. The familiar sound of his voice, only this time it’s much more attainable, closer to your world and not elsewhere so high in the clouds like a hopeful dream. You brace yourself before turning to face him.

This close, Jungkook looks breathtakingly and painfully beautiful.

As always, he’s adorned in all black, the first few buttons of the silky blouse he’s wearing left undone so that it teases the exposed flesh of his collarbones and the rose tattoo that inks his chest, the thorny stems crawling up the side of his neck just below his ear, accompanied by a pair of leather pants. He’s the same as ever. The same imperfect tattoos that decorate his fingers and arms that you’ve always loved, the same ring-clad fingers painted a chipped black, the same hoop accentuating his button nose. His hair is still his natural dark ebony color (something he’s seemed to stick with much more as of late despite dyeing it wild colours throughout his past), only it’s a little longer than you last remembered, and the sides of his head are shaved in the form of an undercut. You’re foolishly surprised to find he still looks the same, but almost a year away from someone can both change nothing and yet everything all at once.

“Jungkook…” You want to say something more, but your words fall short.

It’s hard to tell if he’s angry or upset at seeing you there, but you don’t think he’s either, and you have an inkling of a thought that he purposely sought you out amongst the many faces. Instead, he looks hesitant, apprehensive, as if dreading how you’ll respond to see him. As if you’ll yell at him, push him away. You do neither, fortunately.

Just when the dense silence starts to become almost unbearable, Jungkook clears his throat. “I━ Wow… You look great.”

You blink once, a flustered blush warming your face that you hope he doesn’t notice. “Oh. Thank you. You do, too.”

His eyes flicker over your presence as he nods absentmindedly. Then, he’s offering you a pretty smile, soft and sweet in nature. No malice, or ill-intent. “Um━ How have you been?”

You hate this. You hate the awkward pauses, the prolonged periods of silence. A year ago, even despite knowingly pining for one another, your moments alone with Jungkook were never so terrible. He always found a way to say something cheekily flirtatious even when you were just friends, if only because he knew it would make you blush and giggle because, no matter how many times you would roll your eyes or nudge his sides, he also knew you secretly loved it. All the inside jokes, the milestones shared together, the ardent fleeting touches ━ where did it all go? And while you were both noticeably trying to maintain the peace and pleasantry between one another, it didn’t feel the same. It felt forced, fake. Distracted.

“I’ve been good,” You lie. “How about you? Actually, don’t answer that━” You let out a breathless chuckle. “You’ve clearly been doing amazing. I mean, your album, and your world tour. And tomorrow you’ve got a big day with the hometown show. I heard it sold out in the first ten minutes.”

“Something like that,” Jungkook says modestly. “It’s been kind of crazy. Namjoon says it’s good, but I miss━ I just miss a lot of how it used to be. The slow pace. I dunno. The quick burn up is quick to burn out, right?”

“Maybe,” You admit. “But I think you’ve all got it in you. You’ve worked so hard for this moment. Enjoy it while you’re in it. You deserve it, Jungkook.”

His stare softens as it meets yours. “Thanks.”

Another beat of silence passes. He looks as if he’s warring with himself, as if he’s fighting the urge to say something more, gnawing at his lower lip, brows knitting together.

“Yo, Jeon!” A foreign voice from amongst the crowd beckons aloud abruptly for the boy.

Jungkook glances over his shoulder swiftly in search of the source, then waves his hand as if to motion he’ll be there later. Then, he turns back to you. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s okay. I won’t keep you,” You say. “I know you’re busy.”

“But━” He stops himself, his jaw clamping shut. Changing his mind, he decides to ask hopefully, “Will you be at the show tomorrow?”

“Of course.” The affirmation seems to relieve him, even though it’s a spontaneous decision made by you on the spot. Before this moment, you hadn’t been so sure you could go.

“Promise?”

You can’t help but shake your head, a chuckle slipping past your lips at the innocent boyish question he asks. “Yes, Jungkook.”

His smile widens a little more, however sheepish it may be. “Then can you promise me one more thing?”

“What?” You quirk a brow, intrigued to say the least.

“Will you drop by the hotel we’re staying at tomorrow morning, so I can take you out for a coffee? Just to catch up. It’s been a while,” he says timidly. Then, feeling a little stupid for being so bold, scrambles to explain himself. “And no pressure if you don’t want to. I just thought━”

You can’t possibly say no. Not when it comes to Jungkook, all your past struggles seemingly vanishing without a trace. “I’d like that a lot, Jungkook.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Then he’s positively beaming, his self-indulgent grin making your own heart flutter in your chest. When he leaves your side that night, you find yourself looking forward to the future perhaps a little too optimistically. But how terrible could grabbing coffee with your ex be, if you had survived the first wretched encounter?

So, in the morning when you wake, there’s not a stutter in your step or a wavering flicker of your confidence as you make your way to the Four Seasons hotel Jungkook had told you to from the night before. In fact, a selfish part of you almost thinks that maybe things will start to look up. That maybe you and Jungkook can finally make amends. That maybe you never had a reason to fear Jungkook breaking your heart if he made such an effort to heal it.

The hotel itself is one of the most luxurious ones in Seoul, a considerable contrast from when the boys were slumming it on friends’ couches and in their run-down van touring the country. The room Jungkook tells you to meet him at is one of the hotel’s grand suites, located on the higher levels of the building. But as soon as you reach the landing and have begun making your way towards the designated door, it flings open and a pretty girl comes stumbling out. She’s giggling at something that has just happened inside, her hair a dishevelled mess which she ruffles up in an attempt to fix it. She’s adorned in a pretty little dress, the skirt of which is hiked a little higher up and one strap falling down her shoulder, as she clings her shoes and bag to her chest. She smiles at you on the way past, though she’s too far gone in her own little daze that you wonder if she even notices you at all.

But you certainly notice her, and, all at once, your reverie of him and what could be comes crashing to the ground once more.

Maybe you should have stayed, should have waited for Jungkook to let him explain, but you were too afraid to hear an answer you weren’t looking for. You try desperately not to imagine Jungkook loving someone else. You try not to think about him holding her the same way he held you, his lips finding purchase on some other girl. But by trying to avoid the thought, it beckons the unwarranted memories of how it felt to be loved all over by him once upon a time. You wonder how many girls he’s hooked up with in your time apart, and the overwhelming sense of regret washes over you.

You don’t bother to wait. You know fleeing is the easiest option rather than facing your fear, but you’re far too timid of rejection again. Instead, even before you can approach Jungkook’s hotel room and knock on the door, you turn on your heels and run.

You’re long gone by the time Jungkook comes to the door, prying it open in search of you on a whim. When he doesn’t see you, he glances up and down the hallway but to no avail. Namjoon comes slinking past inside then in his own disoriented haze, having just woken up from moments ago when the girl he had taken back to their room the night before left. Even then, Jungkook had warned the rhythm guitarist against bringing the girl back, pointing out the fact that they had much to do today ahead of their concert. Namjoon had promised it wouldn’t be long, that she would be gone in the morning, and Jungkook was fortunate enough that the suite had two separate bedrooms on the opposite ends of one another so that Jungkook didn’t have to hear whatever it was the pair were doing in the other.

“Did Mina leave?” Namjoon asks through a yawn, digging the heels of his palms into his tired eyes. When Jungkook nods, a sliver of a reminiscent smug grin tugs at Namjoon’s lips. “You missed out, Jungkook.”

The cheeky quip is met with a roll of Jungkook’s eyes. “I’m sure I’ll survive. You know I’m not like that.”

Like that━ As in midnight hook-ups and cheap thrills alike. He tried it once, far ago when you had first broken up with him, on a drunken spur of a moment as a way of healing the anguish in his heart. It hadn’t worked then; he assumed it would never work.

Namjoon seems to understand this immediately. He gives Jungkook a look that the boy doesn’t notice. “Well… is Y/N here yet?”

“No. But I’m sure she’ll be here,” Jungkook grimaces. He hopes. “Something probably came up.”

Namjoon clasps a reassuring hand on Jungkook’s shoulder, humming aloud, “Good luck, dude.”

But you never arrive, even though Jungkook waits for most of the morning, nervous eyes flickering to the door at every commotion outside, running to check only to see room service delivering breakfast or concierge showing guests to their rooms. He has no choice but to give up on the thought of you coming when Jin knocks on their door, prompting the boys to get a start on their day. Interviews and soundcheck await, but how could he possibly go on with his life without knowing what happened to you?

Which is why you stay on his mind for the rest of the day, distracting him in every aspect, mixing up his words when he’s in the midst of his interview, tripping up on stage as the boys set up and begin to rehearse. As the hours wane down to just an hour before the show, the thought of performing in front of thousands of fans starts to make him nervous and he doesn’t know why. He’s done this countless times before, almost nightly during the tour, so what stops him now? Of course he knows the answer, had grown all too accustomed to the feeling the first few months in which the break up had been so recent. It would always be about you.

But just before the show starts, Jungkook is making his way backstage from the greenroom, where the band had been waiting, to the stage. Fiddling with his in-ear piece, he almost doesn’t notice you and Dahyun weaving your way through the roadies and sound tech, being guided by Jin to the pit on the side of the stage where only family and friends are allowed. You don’t see him, and there’s a split moment where he thinks he should just let you go, until he doesn’t.

As he makes his way to you, the tour manager for the band intervenes part way, shouting out to the boy. “Where are you going? We’re on in five, Jungkook!”

“Yeah, I’ll be right back━” He waves the manager off as politely as he can, wasting no time to chase after you. He calls out your name, though it drowns out in the sound of the music being blasted through the speakers of the arena and the screaming fans. “Y/N, wait up!”

He’s relieved when he sees you stop in your tracks, turning to face him as Dahyun and Jin become lost in the chaos of the backstage. He comes to stand just before you, smiling breathlessly at you, unaware of the way your shoulders tense at the sight of him.

“You didn’t show up this morning,” he says as a way of greeting, his voice a curious prob. “What happened?”

You try desperately not to get lost in his big beautiful eyes, laced with such hope. Instead, you fold your arms over your chest, looking away. “Something came up.”

It’s then that Jungkook senses something is wrong. You’re upset with him, though he can’t tell why. Aside from the obvious rift in your relationship that had initially split you two up, you had been so pleasant to see him the night before. But he doesn’t give up just yet. “Well… you’re here now.”

You meet his gaze with your own hardened one. “For the boys.”

A shot right to his heart almost makes Jungkook gasp for air. He flinches, and then his stare softens, and you wish he wouldn’t look at you like that, out of fear that you might just relapse into his arms.

“What’s wrong?” He closes the distance between the two of you. He wants nothing more than to reach out and touch you, but refrains with much difficulty. There’s dozens of things that could be wrong, and he braces himself for your retaliation. “You didn’t want to come, did you?”

When you don’t respond, but also don’t stray from his side, Jungkook hurries to speak again if only to fill the tense silence.

“Look, last night… Maybe it was just me, but last night seemed like things were okay,” he says. “Was I wrong to feel that way?”

“Jungkook…”

“Please, just let me know,” he begs. “Because you’re all I can think about these days, it’s driving me crazy. And I don’t know what’s going on, but the reason I wanted to see you this morning was because I hate how things ended between us, and I wanted to tell you…” He swallows nervously as he trails off uncertainly. “I wanted to tell you that I’m still in love with you. And I can’t get you out of my head. These months away from you made me realize that I━”

Suddenly, you’re shaking your head and he knows you don’t believe him. As soon as the words leave his mouth, he regrets saying it, if only because they seem to enliven you. Now, you push yourself away from the boy. “I’m not doing this right now. You’re not doing this right now.”

As if to further your point, the band’s tour manager can be heard calling out frantically for the boy. “Two minutes, Jungkook!”

But Jungkook is hardly paying attention now, instead solely focused on you. “Please, Y/N━”

“No, you don’t get to say that to me,” You admonish hotly. You can’t bite the words back, no matter how hard you try. “You don’t love me. You think you love me, but you don’t.”

His jaw clenches, and his brows furrow into a frustrated stare. “I do.”

“You don’t.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Stop.” The harsh word makes Jungkook clamp his mouth shut. You shake your head furiously, but you know it’s only to distract yourself so that you don’t let the tears fall. “You’re being selfish, Jungkook. You don’t get to take all of me, love all of me, and leave, only to come back months later and pretend you’re still in love with me. And whatever this━” You gesture vaguely between the two of you, “is, or was, doesn’t exist anymore. We both need to stop pretending otherwise.”

Jungkook winces, eyes tinged with pain. “You don’t mean that.”

You don’t respond. Elsewhere, his tour manager starts to grow impatient, scolding the boy aloud, “Jungkook, we’re gonna be late. Hurry up!”

“Yeah, I’ll be there!” Jungkook calls back, irritated. Maybe he is being selfish. He’s wasting precious time by not leaving, all the hard work that the crew put into tonight’s show, and the fans awaiting his and the band’s arrival. He can still hear the crowd, this time their buzzing voices amalgamating into unanimous chanting muffled by the walls that sounds akin to the band’s name.

“You should go,” You say now. “Don’t wanna disappoint them.”

But he’d throw it all away for you if you told him to. He promised you that even before he had left for tour, before the band had been signed. Had you forgotten? Because he surely hadn’t.

“Y/N…”

“Good luck out there.”

Then, you’re gone before Jungkook can even make a move to stop you ━ but even if he did, what could he do to make you stay? The feat seemed impossible, and you always seem to find a way to slip from his grasp no matter what he does. Only this time he has no choice but to let you go, out of fear of being berated further by his tour manager or angering the boys so much to the point where he gets kicked out of the band.

He makes it on stage in time, the band filing out to take their places one at a time, deafening screams blowing out their in-ear pieces that stand no chance as each member joins the stage. The lights fizzle out until complete darkness cloaks the venue, but Jungkook still looks for you. He finds you in the pit on the side of the stage, Jin and Dahyun standing beside you, and finds it hard to keep his eyes off of you even though you attempt to pretend as if he’s not even there.

After their first adrenaline-filled opening song of the night, Jimin takes to the microphone to greet the crowd who scream back an indiscernible shout as, elsewhere, you notice Jungkook pry himself away from the microphone stand on his side of the stage to wave the rest of the boys over to Hoseok’s drum kit. They murmur amongst themselves briefly, though they go unnoticed by Jimin or the crowd as the lead singer entertains them.

“Seoul! It’s good to be back. We’ve missed you all so much━”

Jimin’s words get cut short when Jungkook, having just parted ways with the rest of his members for their impromptu meeting, beckons the lead singer over, out of range of the microphone. They seem to discuss something just as shortly as Jungkook had talked with the rest of the boys, in which time Jimin nods understandingly, then steps away from the microphone. Then, Jungkook takes to the microphone, the rings on his fingers glistening under the spotlight as he grips the stand.

“I know the night’s only getting started,” Jungkook’s voice wavers as he speaks, “but we’re gonna slow things down for a moment. We hope you don’t mind.”

Intrigued murmurs echo around the crowd, suddenly buzzing with excitement as they watch Jungkook with eager eyes. A few encouraging bellows has Jungkook smiling smally. Jin, on the other hand, looks perplexed.

“What is he doing?” Jin asks no one in particular, a quizzical look on his face. “This isn’t part of their set.”

“I think a lot of you might know this next song,” Jungkook continues, “but I don’t think I’ve ever expressed how much it means to me. This next one, I wrote for a special someone, and it sort of helped us achieve all of this. So, I think it’s time that person knows how much they mean to me.”

Jungkook glances nervously over at the boys standing behind him, each in their own respective spots. Then, sweeping his gaze across the crowd, he finally finds you already staring up at him. His own eyes soften into a look of longing, however hardened by past tribulations and sorrow it may be. As if he’s determined not to lose you again; determined to make it up to you.

“This next one is for Y/N,” he says timidly. He has to turn away from you in the next second, afraid he might just break down before the fans and the boys and you. “I’m sorry I messed up.”

As the boys take their place, with Jimin taking an acoustic and fading back from the limelight, you wonder why. But then you hear it, the familiar beginning chords making up the song you had so wholeheartedly claimed you hated. Only this time they’re gentler, made up of acoustic strums of a guitar, Hoseok’s drums, and Yoongi’s keys, all amalgamating into a pretty song almost unrecognizable.

Then, Jungkook starts singing, and what was once a wistful dreamy song of prospective lovers suddenly turns into a melancholic requiem for you. Some lyrics are changed, present tense turning to the past, and Jungkook sings his way throughout the entirety of the song in contrast to the one that plays all over the radio featuring the other member’s voices. The fans sing along, their voices melding with Jungkook’s into some sort of celestial mellifluous choir, and you’re left no longer wondering if the fans would ever know the meaning behind the song that Jungkook had brought to life. Because now, it wasn’t just Jungkook singing to you; it was the whole world. And yet, paradoxically at the same time, it felt all that much more intimate. As if it were just you and him once again, seated on the couch in his small apartment, listening to the beginnings of what would be their number one selling song.

Above all else, you realize that you don’t seem to hate the song as much you claimed to.

That night, you can’t sleep.

You find yourself leaving the venue earlier than everyone else, even when the boys invite you and Dahyun to join them for celebratory drinks, returning to your home in the hopes of forgetting the night altogether. Instead, you stay up tossing and turning, your mind filled with memories consisting of only Jungkook and his haunting voice singing to you, and for you. But at some point during the night nearing one or two in the morning, just when you give up on the idea of sleep, the sound of incessant knocking at your front door rouses you from your trance.

When you finally answer the door, you’re more than surprised to see that Jungkook stands on the other side of the threshold as if coming to you from a dream. But then you register the fact that he’s a complete mess. Dark circles line his weary eyes, now smudged with that faint hint of charcoal liner he had worn for the concert, hair so messily mused beyond repair, and you notice quickly that he’s crying, fresh tears glazing over his pupils and streaking down his face. It’s startling to see him in such shambles, a complete contrast to how effortlessly charming and confident he usually portrays himself. But though you’ve seen him cry before on various occasions, now is all the more unsettling.

“I━I’m sorry.” It’s the first thing he says, screwing his eyes shut tightly as he shakes his head. He fumbles over his words, slurring them together in his rush to get them out. “I know I’m probably the last person you want to see right now, but I needed to see you.”

“Are you drunk?”

“No, no, I swear━” He pries his eyes open to meet your desolate stare, tears unabashedly falling from his lashes. His voice thins with desperation. “You said we need to stop pretending, but I’m not pretending. I never have been. And if you think ━ if you truly believe ━ that there’s nothing here between us anymore… Tell me. Right here, right now. And I’ll leave you alone forever, you’ll never have to see me again. I just━ I’ve missed you every moment and it kills me.”

You’re silent for a long period, pitying gaze sweeping over him, but he doesn’t care if he looks insane. He just needs you to know how he feels.

“Well, how do you think I felt?” You ask the question carefully, but then the memories come flooding back and the semblance of a scowl forms on your face. “You leave and suddenly everywhere I look I see you. Your song is playing everywhere, you and the guys are everywhere, and I’m reminded every day about how we ended. About how you left me.”

Jungkook blinks. He shakes his head stubbornly, the nerves in the corner of his jaw fluttering as he grits his teeth. “You were the one who said we should take a break.”

“A break!” You snap sternly. “Fuck, Jungkook. I didn’t want you out of my life forever. I wanted you to fight for me.”

“No, don’t put this all on me,” Jungkook pleads helplessly. “I have always fought for you. But the minute things got rough, you bailed. You told me you never wanted to see me again. What the hell was I supposed to do?”

“I was scared!” You try to swallow the tears away that start to form as a lump in your throat but to no avail. “I was, and I still am, so fucking scared of losing you. And you━ It felt like you gave me no choice. Like you were over it. I would have wanted to make things work but you left. You just… You left, and suddenly it was like you were never in my life at all. Seven months, and I get no word from you.”

“I fucked up, okay!” He cries out so suddenly, it silences you at once. He bites at his lip, and straightens up half-heartedly, running a hand through his hair. When he meets your stare this time, he’s zealous yet sincere. “I know that I messed up. I know. And it fucking kills me every single day. I don’t know where it went wrong, but it did, and I know it’s all my fault. When you said we should take a break and I agreed, I was only thinking about you. Because I knew I was disappointing you every day, and I was afraid that was all I would ever do, and you don’t deserve that. I thought it would be better this way, if I was just gone from your life for good. But I can’t forget you.”

“How can I trust you?” You ask. When his pained stare gawks at you, you tilt your chin a little higher. “I came by your hotel room yesterday morning, just like you asked, only to see that girl leaving.”

Jungkook’s gawk turns into a dumbfounded expression. He looks weary as he shakes his head, as if struggling to keep up with the way you accuse him now. He tries not to focus on the fact that you actually came to the hotel, then feels inconsolably terrible when he realizes why he never got to see you. “That girl was Namjoon’s fling. We were sharing the suite, and they were in a whole other room. I didn’t even think about her━”

Your stare droops from him, and he knows he’s struggling to keep you on his side.

“Okay, fine. You want trust? I’ll give it to you,” he says. A newfound sense of confidence seems to possess him, though he approaches the topic with extra caution anyway. “After we broke up, I was crushed. I couldn’t move on from you, and the guys thought I should get drunk, find a random girl to bring back to our hotel one night on tour. And I listened, because I wanted to forget you, but it didn’t work. All I could think about was you. Every time she touched me, every time she kissed me, I could only imagine it was you. And when she left that night, I broke down because I felt like such a fucking idiot. I instantly regretted it. Like, even though you and I weren’t together, I still did something to hurt you by sleeping with that girl. And all it did was hurt me too in the process.”

He pushes himself forward, taking a step over the threshold. Even despite him admitting his wrongs to you, you can’t find it in yourself to hate him. Because, at the end of it all, he’s here at your doorstep, pleading for you to forgive him, but he had already won the moment your eyes had landed on him.

“You’re the reason I am who I am today.” His voice is hoarse when he speaks, almost in a whisper. “That I get to do what I love for a living. But all of it means nothing without you. You saw me at my worst, and my best. And you were the best I ever had, and I ruined it, and the worst part of it all is that there’s nothing I can do to make up for it. But I promise I can make it better ━ I can make it right again ━ if you just give me a chance.”

There’s a short pause filled with poignant silence in which Jungkook thinks you’ll push him away or scream at him. He’s fortunate when you do neither; instead, he hears you whisper faintly.

“Kiss me, Jungkook.”

And it’s more than enough for him. His heart thrums in delight as he wastes no time in reaching out for you. His hands are warm as they come to grasp at your face, holding you delicately; then he’s leaning in to you, drawing you closer and closer until his lips are pressed against yours. It’s unadulterated, but not without feverish passion, noses smushing together in both your eager hastiness to close the distance between the two of you. It doesn’t last long either, though that’s partly because Jungkook can taste your tears mingling on your lips, and can feel your faint smile form against his mouth. Kissing him feels both foreign yet familiar at the same time. You know the feel, the taste, and the sense of comfort that comes with it, but months apart from one another has left it feeling different.

Jungkook’s thumb wipes away at the tears on your face. “Why are you crying?”

It’s a useless question, he knows, but he needs something to fill the silence. He’s relieved when he hears you snicker. “Because I miss you, you idiot. And I’m sorry I’ve been acting like such an idiot. I’ve messed everything up.”

His own shoulders quiver with contented mirth. “It’ll be okay.” As he leans in once more for another kiss, you can feel him murmur against your mouth, “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”

“Then make it right,” You say, “right here and now.”

“I’ll do anything for you,” he promises earnestly.

Jungkook understands the underlying yearning in your voice even without having you explain yourself. He knows, if only because he can feel it too. As his hands fall to your waist, fingers digging into your skin, your own arms wrap around his neck and pull him into your apartment. He has you pressed up against the nearest wall within seconds, kissing at your throat, then up to your jawline.

“It’s been so long,” he sighs.

You hum in agreement, though your mind is already spinning, and all you can muster is a weak yet urgent croak of his name. “Jungkook.”

Your fingers thread through his hair, tugging at the roots and he croons with delight. His lips finally meet yours again, only this time he lets his tongue lav at your lower lip. Almost as soon as he does so, you notice something strange. It takes a moment for you to register the small metallic object that grazes your lower lip but when you do, you pull away from the boy.

“What’s wrong?” Jungkook asks in a confused dazed.

“Is that…” You rasp. “Did you get your tongue pierced?”

Suddenly, Jungkook is smirking, one brow shooting up to his hairline in a smug demeanour. He sticks out his tongue for you to see the silver ball poking through and you almost moan at the sight of it as the thought entices you.

“Oh.” Your face warms with a flustered blush. “That’s new.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Always wanted to get it done. Guess I was saving it for the right moment.”

“Right moment, huh?” You scoff as if the implications don’t already have your thighs rubbing together. “Care to explain?”

“I think you’ll find out soon enough.”

You dissolve into a fit of giggles, marvelling at the way Jungkook’s familiar flirtatious bantering can soothe your troubled heart at once. It’s almost as if time hasn’t lapsed between the two of you.

“I’ve missed this,” You sigh. “I’ve missed you, Jungkook.”

You spot him smiling before he’s kissing you again, this time his tongue slipping past your parted lips to meet yours midway. The piercing is strange to adjust to, but you get used to it quickly, humming at the feeling of it against the soft flesh of your tongue. It’s easy to get lost in one another’s lips as you pull and tug at Jungkook, guiding him to your bedroom, nearly tripping and stumbling over one another in the process. He knows the path like the back of his hand, the same way he knows every curve and dimple of your body as his greedy hands explore you. He has you sprawled out beneath him on the bed in a matter of seconds, carelessly shedding each other of your clothes until you’re left naked and he’s without a shirt.

As he’s tugging off the hoodie you’re wearing, he realizes two things abruptly. One: you’re not wearing anything beneath it, your bare body dazzling him at once. And, two: a sudden thought jogs his memory that makes him ponder aloud, “Is this my sweater?”

“Yes,” You admit sheepishly.

He smirks. “Was wondering where it went.”

“You forgot to take it back when…” You don’t finish your sentence. Instead, you tug your fingers at the hair at the nape of his neck, as if scared he’ll leave again. He doesn’t. Instead, he nestles his body between your legs, tonguing patterns on your neck. “I wear it sometimes, especially when I’m missing you. I don’t know… It just━ It still smells like you, even after all this time.”

Jungkook’s heart nearly implodes. He wonders briefly if he’d prefer fucking you without or with the hoodie; but then he’s letting himself time to study your naked body and he deduces he needs to gaze at you in your entirety a little longer.

“Keep talking,” he murmurs. He starts kissing down your body now, starting from your throat to your collarbones, between the valley of your breasts, then your navel. “Tell me more. How badly did you miss me?”

“So badly,” You whimper. Your legs instinctively part to make way for him as he shifts downward, kissing just above your core. A shudder runs down your spine when he kisses the inside of your thigh. “Sometimes I’d put your sweater on and touch myself to the thought of you.”

He grunts against you, teeth softly biting at your flesh. His tongue pokes against your thigh, the metallic piercing a dully cold sensation as he licks upward to your core. He laps at your folds, as if to taste the glistening cum that starts to form.

Your breath audibly hitches in your throat, hips jutting forward to meet his mouth. “I missed your hands, and the way they made me feel. Missed your mouth between my legs. Missed cumming on your tongue, or your fingers.”

Now, you’re starting to understand what he meant by waiting for the right moment to use the piercing to its fullest potential. As he lifts his head higher to tongue at your clit, the piercing makes your head spin. The contrast between his soft tongue and the harsh metal works wonders against you, rubbing you just the right way that has you a moaning mess beneath him within a matter of seconds.

“Fuck━” You cry out, hands twisting in his hair. “My hands never feel the same. You always made me feel so good, Jungkook.”

He hums something in response, the sound reverberating up your spine. He busies himself by replacing his tongue with his finger, rubbing small, controlled circles against your clit as he lowers his mouth to your folds. He teases the piercing against the sensitive flesh before lapping at your insides, burrowing further into you.

“Ooh, Jungkook━”

The noise that eclipses your throat is a piqued sob of delight. The piercing that scratches against your walls has your insides throbbing, body twisting and turning beneath him. You grab at your breasts, fingers pinching at the perked buds as you imagine Jungkook’s hands in replace of yours.

His mouth wraps just right around you and he sucks hard, earning a beautiful moan from you. It doesn’t take long for you to draw closer to your high, sputtering and whimpering at every action he does. Soon he’s burrowing his face even closer against your core, nose nudging against your clit in a way that makes you writhe and squirm. Before he can get carried away (and he certainly could), Jungkook decides to come to a stop which seems to thoroughly surprise and upset you. When you feel his missing warmth between your legs and the sticky wet mess accentuated further by the cool air that hits you, you pout like a child.

“That’s not fair,” you whine.

“Sorry, baby. Need to feel you.” He pulls away from you and crawls over your body once more. He kisses your lips, sloppy and heated, and lets you taste your own succulence on your tongue. “God, I need to feel you so bad.”

You’re just as much startled as you were seconds ago to hear the slight whine in his voice, a sound hot enough to almost push you over the edge.

“I’ve missed you too, just so you know,” he moans, burrowing his face in the crook of your neck. Your fingers continue to scratch delicately at his scalp and he simpers delightfully against you. He ruts his hips eagerly against yours, the bulge in his pants rough against your core. “So fucking much.”

“How much?” Now it’s your turn to ask, your curiosity getting the best of you once you find your voice.

“Every day,” he sighs as he continues to grind his hips into yours. “Get so hard at the thought of you. Your pretty mouth moaning my name. Your hands in my hair, just like this━” You pull a little tighter at the roots of his locks, and he has to stifle his contented moan. “And your body━ Fuck, your body. You take my dick so well, baby.”

“Jungkook,” You mewl impatiently. “Wanna feel you in me.”

“Fuck, okay. Okay━”

He hastens to rid himself of his pants and you help, arms momentarily tangling with one another in your rush. Then he’s kneeling before you, one hand planted firmly on your hip, rings digging roughly against your skin, as his other hand wraps a fist around his hard length, slowly pumping himself. He guides the tip of his leaking cock to your core and pushes himself forward carefully. He easily slips past your folds, coaxed by your slick walls, that he has to pause to give you both time to adjust to the feeling. It’s just as he remembered, though somehow better, and he isn’t so sure how long he’ll last. You don’t know either, marvelling in the way he stretches you open.

“Oh, shit,” he grunts.

He watches as your jaw drops open in a silent gap, your eyes fixed only on his. You grab at his hips, fingers scratching delicately over the laurel tattoos inked there, prompting him to move. He does so in one languid movement, burying deeper and deeper into you until you feel so full and he feels so warm. He fucks into you a little sluggish at first, taking his time and enjoying the way your clenching walls feel around his throbbing cock. It’s a pace so maddening that it soon has the both of you panting, heavy moans filling the space around you. Your own fingers dig into his shoulders, his back, his hips ━ anything to keep a hold on reality as you slowly lose yourself to the pleasure. He reaches for one of your hands, eager to feel you in more ways than one, and laces his digits with yours, pressing your clasped palms above your head. You squeeze tightly, his name falling from your lips in a cry.

“Doing so good,” he mumbles through gritted teeth. “Feel so nice, baby.”

Jungkook grasps at your hips and flips the two of you over. He lands on his back on the soft mattress and you fumble to not break the pace. Firmly planting your hands on his chest, you grind against him, sweat coating your forehead. He watches you with a dark fascination, brows screwed together and jaw clenched as your own cum starts leaking down his length. Not wanting to waste another moment without being beside you, he sits up and shifts you in his lap. Then he pulls you close to him, chest pulled flush against chest to the point where he can feel the rapid beat of your heart against his. You whimper aloud, wrapping your arms tightly around his neck as he guides your hips back and forth on him. There’s little to no space between your gyrating bodies, sweaty skin sticking to one another.

At some point, Jungkook notices you’re crying again, steady tears tangling in your lashes and wetting your face. Despite the way you’re driving him to near euphoria, he brushes your hair out of your face and manages to ask, “What’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

“I’m sorry━ fuck,” You gasp. He can tell you’re genuinely sympathetic for whatever’s making you cry but it’s hard for you to convey it properly when you’re still so consumed by him. “I’m so sorry━ I’m okay. I just━ You feel so good, Jungkook.”

“It’s okay,” he whispers, rubbing tender circles against your waist that contrasts with the fierce burn between your legs. “You’re okay, baby. Doing so well for me, aren’t you? Cum for me, yeah?”

You won’t tell him why you’re crying ━ not yet, at least. But Jungkook thinks he knows why; he can feel it too. The bitter sense of longing and mingling regret for all the time lost. The overwhelming feeling of love of finally being reunited. You continue to roll your hips against his, and he, breathless, rubs his nose faintly against yours, resting his forehead against yours.

It doesn’t take much longer after that for you to come tumbling to you high. He strokes your hair so lovingly as you ride him recklessly, leisure rolls of your hips driving you to your high. When you cum, the feeling completely washes over you and electricity crackles in your veins, warming your entire body. He holds you close to his chest the entire time as you writhe with pleasure, your walls clenching around his cock.

“Fuck, I’m gonna━” His voice splinters off as you busy yourself by sucking a bruise onto the underside of his jaw.

He reaches his high moments later just as you’re beginning to wince at the feeling of oversensitivity. He grunts and groans, spilling his hot seed into you, and then, with his hips slammed against yours, grinds leisurely to ride out your highs.

Then, the room falls silent.

Neither of you move from your warm embrace, with you still perched on his lap, his cock softening inside you as his cum runs down his length and onto your thighs. Your face is hidden in the crook of his neck, and he waits until you’ve both calmed down from your orgasms. You’re running your fingers through his sweaty hair, but he knows you’re still sad. He kisses you all over in the meantime, a few ticklish kisses that make you smile sleepily and a few loving ones that have your heart swelling. Then, he gingerly shifts your head to look at him.

“Why were you crying?” he asks silently.

It takes you a moment to respond. You cling to him tightly when you do and all he can do is cradle you closer to him. “I don’t want this to be some kind of drunken one night stand thing. Like we both needed one last fuck to get over each other, or something."

“You mean more to me than a one night stand,” Jungkook says and it makes you smile smally, a little timidly.

“That’s good,” You say, “because I’m not over you or us. I want us to work out. I love you too much to lose you again, and I’m scared this might be the last time I’ll ever see you.”

“I’m not letting that happen,” Jungkook shakes his head furiously. “I’d be an absolute idiot to let that happen. You won’t lose me. I’m not going anywhere this time. You’re my priority, Y/N. You always have been. Not the band and definitely not the record label.”

“I’m sure the boys will love to hear that,” You snort to yourself.

“Yeah, well, I’m sure they’ll understand,” Jungkook grins. But you’re only joking, and you know he sort of is too. That’s not to say the band isn’t still important to him, but you take precedent over it. “Without you, I wouldn’t even have the chance to be where I am now.”

You nuzzle your nose against his own, and he steals one sweet kiss from you.

“Do you really mean all that?”

“With my whole heart.”

And, when he says it, you know he means it. There’s no reason not to trust him.

You’ll both move eventually from one another’s arms, soft touches from Jungkook peeling you off of him and wrapping you in your covers before falling asleep beside you, and waking up in the morning with you in his arms. But, for now, it’s just you and him, a little broken still yet all the more in love.

While you both know healing a broken heart will take time, you’re both prepared for it because you’re both worth it to one another ━ and that’s all either of you really need in the end to make it right.

⟶ Feedback is always appreciated!

6K notes · View notes

onyourm-u · 2 years ago

Text

Brutally Analyzing EPEX’s Stage Presence Archetypes

Another typical day of scrolling videos on Youtube. One video I came across was from the username "everglow-up." I knew the clickbait-y title would lure me into her channel, but boy did I find the video interesting and informative.

youtube

This video was particularly talking about Billlie's Stage Presence Archetypes based on the following:

Aura (Feminine vs Masculine)

Energy Type (Overt vs Covert)

Presence Type (Dominant vs Charismatic vs Sensual)

If you'd like a deep dive into those concepts, go ahead and check out the video I have linked above, or check out this video of hers as well.

youtube

I have also seen her do an analysis of other groups like EXO and Red Velvet, but I haven't seen her do EPEX or NCT (which I might make a blog on in the future).

I will mainly focus on EPEX's Stage Presence Archetypes using those concepts.

Disclaimer: This is not to determine whether a member's presence is good or bad, but I will point out some of their weak points. I am not writing this to hate on any member nor will sugarcoat any of my takes. If you disagree with any of these, it's okay—just don't be a jerk about it. If you want to, then don't read this.

Ayden

Masculine Overt Charismatic

youtube

As a performer, Ayden seems underappreciated. He has one of the best stage presence in the group. Similar to Keum, he also has the perfect balance of almost everything. He tends to maintain great consistency and energy level throughout every performance. His strong facial expressions and body language are in perfect harmony.

At the same time, those facial expressions are appropriate for each concept. When he needs to exhibit the cutesy "Noona's Cat," he becomes this little dancing ball of fur, especially with his fluffy platinum-blonde hair. Oh, man!! It was such a joy to watch. When he needs to exude a dark "Rebellious Wolf," he turns a 180. He would give you passion and hardcore. In other words, he is a versatile performer. His fancams are never tiring to watch.

Overall, the issue with his stage presence would be his face looks too aggressive sometimes. But it's not bothersome enough to ruin his performances.

Keum

Masculine Overt Dominant-Charismatic

youtube

The first thing that I thought when I saw Keum's stage presence was, "I love it!" From facial expressions to body language, he has the perfect balance in almost any aspect. He knows what facial expressions are suitable for each concept and do these effortlessly without seeming too intense.

I've seen his performances in Produce X 101, and they were crème de la crème. His Dominant side started to manifest during Believer, and integrating it with his Charismatic facial expressions was just on point. As for Super Special Girl, it showed how he can smoothly adapt to a wide range of concepts.

Under normal circumstances, performers look dead when they stop moving their faces. But with Keum, he manages to capture my attention regardless.

On the other hand, his stage presence comes with extraneous factors despite carrying out consistently good performances. His wardrobe styling and hair color choices could be the leading contributors to this. While everyone else had hair and outfits with vivid colors, he stuck to the monotonous palette during Do 4 Me era. This made him visually overshadowed by (for lack of a better word) more multicolored members like Baekseung or Ayden. I wish he had a more striking hair color other than blond with brighter concepts.

Wish

Masculine Overt Charismatic-Sensual

youtube

Wish is like the Overt version of EXO Xiumin. He has both strong facial expressions and body language whenever he performs. He tends to move in an "in your face" manner with a hint of such subtlety.

The performance that really showcased his Sensual side is Lone Wolf. That song was totally made for him. He had pink hair at the time they performed it on music shows, but the fact that he had black hair during their Seoul concert was such a cherry on top. It really helped in strengthening his overall stage presence.

However, the issue with Wish's stage presence is consistency. They tend to be what I call "all or nothing." One minute, he outperforms everyone, and then the next, his facial expressions are almost nonexistent. This happens when the camera pans away from him. He also seems to struggle with versatility, which becomes apparent when the song does not suit his stage presence archetype. He was quite too seductive in cute songs like Do 4 Me because he doesn’t have the right facial expressions, and was boring to watch on Hymn to Love because he didn’t have any.

Baekseung

Masculine Covert Charismatic

youtube

Baekseung possesses strong facial expressions. But unlike other Charismatic performers, his body language does not come across as “in your face.” Hence, I classify him as a Covert performer.

Despite his passive energy type, he was able to attract enough attention from the audience through his looks and hair color. This case was most evident with his long pink hair during Do 4 Me era. Apart from the fact that it makes him look like a real-life AI, it is one of the contributing factors to accentuating his naturally Charismatic stage presence.

Although Baekseung managed to maintain the same energy level throughout performances, versatility is something that he needs to work on. He made the facial expressions work for each performance, but he has been doing the exact same set for songs with totally different vibes. For instance, he winks and sticks his tongue out during AOTS (a dark hardcore song) the way he does with Do 4 Me (a light funky one).

Jeff

Masculine Overt Dominant-Charismatic

youtube

Jeff manages to balance both his Dominant side and Charismatic side. I was confused about classifying him as either one of the two at first. His facial expression is either too strong for a Dominant performer or too subtle for a Charismatic performer. Thus, I came to the conclusion that he is both.

He relies a lot on body language without having to become as expressive as other Charismatic performers. Even if he becomes as expressive, he does it with great timing. But for the most part, he furrows his brows and intensely stares into the camera for the entirety of each performance, which I'd like to call the "Squinty Eyebrows."

In that sense, it's both a pro and a con. It's a pro because even if he doesn't do much with his face, he doesn't come across as boring. Similar to Baekseung, it's a con because THAT'S IT. That's all he does whenever he performs. He may do a little aegyo or the double squinty brows and all that jazz. But other than that, he's bringing nothing new to the table.

A-Min

Feminine Covert Dominant-Sensual

youtube

Being the only Feminine performer in the group, one thing I like about A-Min is that he has great chemistry with a group full of masculine performers. Despite the difference in stage presence aura, he blends in so well since he is a Covert performer. There are three other Covert performers in the group, making him not seem entirely invisible in performances.

A-Min doesn't do much with his face but projects it through his body language instead. He has both loud and subtle movements without making it seem "in your face," which I think is still interesting to watch. This, in turn, makes him both a Dominant and a Sensual performer. Lone Wolf is THAT performance that he absolutely nailed along with Wish, another Sensual performer. Whoever thought of making them do a dance duet in the intro is such a genius. It really displayed their sensual sides so well.

However, I thought A-Min would show off his cuter side in songs with lighter concepts. But nah...he remained constant. He manages to keep a stable level of energy but lacks versatility. He does the same thing as he usually does with more serious concepts, making him less fascinating to watch. This is quite a shame because he has the potential to be more cutesy in a more Dominant performer way.

Yewang

Masculine Covert Dominant

youtube

Like other Dominant performers, Yewang relies more on body movements. His facial expression would sometimes complement his overall stage presence (Not to be confused with Charismatic performers. They treat facial expressions as the main course of their stage presence, while Yewang's is a side dish).

However, he would come across as aloof (even more than MU) whenever he missed the right timing for the expressions. Either he stares at the camera and does the "squinty brows" the way Jeff does, or he looks straight-up dead.

He managed to improve some of these aspects in just a year. Just look at his fancams in No Questions compared to Hymn to Love. He was a bit dull and boring on the former, but he had a better grasp of what to do on the latter. He had better timing for using his face and toned his gaze down a bit, and it's not boring at all. He still needs to work on his longevity and consistency. He sometimes struggles to retain the same energy in the long run.

Masculine Covert Dominant

youtube

MU, like Yewang, tends to use facial expressions to complement his stage presence. Except, it doesn't work at all. In other words, he is a Dominant performer trying hard to exude Charisma. This is why watching his fancams often felt like watching a triangle trying to fit into a round hole (particularly during the AOTS era). He emphasized his facial expressions so much that they came across as unnatural. While it is supposed to aid his stage presence, it just looks so funny and awkward on him.

I get that he wants to go for the vibe of each concept, but I don't think he needs a loud face to do just that. He could just stand there and still be entertaining to watch. All he has to do is rely more on body language. He was able to attain this with his performance during Breathtaking, and it was...breathtaking. It was pleasant to watch, as he did a fantastic job utilizing his stage presence.

On a side note, he still struggles to fit in his Dominant side in EPEX's Dark and Charismatic-heavy concepts, which makes him more aloof than he actually is. He is not a bad performer, just a confused one. He hasn't explored himself as a performer enough to find the right stage presence type. He has a long way to go.

Group Chemistry

EPEX overall has yet to fully establish their chemistry on stage. Despite this, they have a perfect balance of Overt and Covert performers. While they have a balanced number of Dominant, Charismatic, and Sensual performers, there's no doubt that their performances cater to the Charismatic performers. The songs and choreographies are Charismatic-heavy, so it makes sense that members with this archetype stand out the most. It does not help that most of them are Overt performers. Heck, even Baekseung stood out among them. While he is a Covert performer, he is also a Charismatic one.

This does not imply that non-Charismatic performers live in their shadows, as there are Charismatic members who also have another archetype. Keum and Jeff are both Charismatic and Dominant, while Wish is both Charismatic and Sensual. That does not disorient them from Dominant performers, especially A-Min, who is also a Sensual performer.

It would have been better if they had more concepts or choreographies that show their Dominant side, especially when the non-Charismatic Dominant performers are all Covert.

Subjective Takes

I know—it seems like I have written Keum as the one with the best stage presence, but Ayden takes the lead on who is more interesting to watch. Apart from the hair color choice, he tends to bring more charm and color to every concept in comparison. I realized this when I tried to watch another member's fancam (I think it was a Baekseung one). I accidentally saw Keum and Ayden next to each other, but the latter happened to captivate my attention more.

As for the rest, they are great performers. Maybe they're not as excellent as you want them to be now, but there is always room for improvement.

I believe EPEX as a group has so much potential, especially Wish. They are the group whose growth and development would totally look forward to.

After all, it has only been a year since they debuted, and they have six more years to learn and perform better. STAN EPEX!!

20 notes · View notes

smileyyoungchan · 2 years ago

Text

Fourth of July + Bang the Doldrums - L.C.

Dino x fem!reader

Warnings: none I guess

Genre: Angst probably? With a slight hint of fluff

Inspired by: Fourth of July and Bang the Doldrums by Fall Out Boy

What is Fourth of July about: Fourth Of July” compares the sparks flying between two people to the sparks flying in the air on July 4th, American Independence Day.

What is Bang the Doldrums about: Scientifically, a doldrum is “an area of calm air”. To “bang”, which could also be interpreted as “disturbed”, a doldrum could be a metaphor for destroying the the simplicity, or calmness, of the relationship. This would make sense with the song as well because it says “better off as lovers” which would indicate that the people tried to be friends and that did not work out.

Author’s note: these two songs are rumoured to be about an hypothetical relationship the bass player of Fall Out Boy (Pete Wentz) had with the bass player of My Chemical Romance (Mikey Way). Being me the noisiest emo rat ever, I read everything about this (there are a shit ton of things on the internet) that’s why I also included some other details of their ‘relationship’ and used it as a sample for the one in the story; like the 28 of June and the ‘amazing New Mexico sunset day, totally back in love’. Anyway, tho, these two songs are probably my favourite songs ever by Fall Out Boy so I highly recommend to listen to them!

Per usual, italics phrases are directly from the songs.

Chan was walking down the street, his feet capable of dodging every hole on the street without him even looking down.

He knew that street by heart, he walked it every year, on the same day. The Fourth of July.

Actually, the most important days in his life were two: the Fourth of July and the 28 of June.

Both of them had the same reason behind it: his past love, that was the best love he ever had, he was just too silly to recognise it before everything ended.

He remembered when that little girl he fell for, joined their group of friends; took three solid months for Chan to properly talking to her, without embarrassing himself. Mingyu always told him they were ‘better off as lovers and not the other way around’, simply cause that there was no way they’d end up just being friends, there was too much romantic tension. He always denied it, but Mingyu continued his hypothesis, slowly joined by Wonwoo, Seungkwan and later on Vernon too.

When Vernon joined too, Chan realised that maybe it was real.

So, one night, at a little party the boys organised, where and Chan snickered on the roof to watch the sunset, on the 28th of June, with the girl he loved, they kissed. It was the sweetest kiss ever, where both of them poured they’re emotions.

And the soft wind caressing they’re bodies and maybe the little amount of alcohol running in them, made them fall asleep.

It wasn’t probably the best place to sleep, but in that moment, with Chan by her side, she didn’t minded it.

When the morning later she woke up, tho, she felt nothing beside her. Just a goodbye note on his arm, written with her lipstick.

Chan, tho, when he came back home, couldn’t bring himself to call, expect to call it quit, because the pressure he had for this relationship was too much. Everyone has their eyes pointed on them, everyone. But he knew it wasn’t really over, not for him at least, cause she was probably going to hate him after that. But that’s when on his blog, where he shared all his thoughts, appeared the post ‘amazing sunset sunset day. Totally back in love”. No one really knew what was the meaning behind that, but he knew.

When the day started to run after another and Chan and the girl slowly take the distances everyone knew it was over, they just didn’t knew the date. But they never asked, cause it was none of their business, nor the time to talk about it.

He realised his mistake, he realised that he was too scared of his own emotions that let her slip away, and when she moved to another city he would have loved to cast a spell over the west, to make her think about him the same way the thought about her, but it wasn’t possible.

Days went by and soon seasons went by too, the memories still fresh in Chan’s mind, he was able to describe them perfectly… maybe cause he never stopped thinking about them.

But he always wondered what one summer ever meant to her, he was left wondering how important he was to the other person, and if they could have been more than just a fling.

He had no answers, just questions.

But maybe not everything was lost.

When he received a text by her, asking to meet her at their favorite bar, he thought at first to not answer, too overwhelmed, but then he realised that was really a second chance the life had given him.

So there he was, walking down the street, with his mind running faster that his legs.

Sitting down on a spare table, he wished nothing but to see her, even if it meant quitting everything forever.

There she was, as beautiful as ever.

When she sat down in front of him, she smiled, and Chan melted.

They started to talk, but the torture of small talks with someone you used to love was the worst thing. They seemed like perfect strangers, even tho they had the cutest love they was too scared to share.

The hours passed and they parted, with nothing but a promise to meet again and a sweet mess in their mind. We’re they friends now? Where they just acquaintances?

While he was heading back to his house, Chan had just one wish in mind, he wished he knew how much she loved him, he wished he cared enough to know.

Then maybe, just maybe, he was going to be able to not waste the best love he ever had.

26 notes · View notes

millenialfanfictionaddiction · 3 years ago

Text

Afab, bi-gender person coming out

as Asexual to their partners

featuring

Atsumu Miya,Satori Tendou, Yuu Nishinoya

and Kotaro Bokuto

*this is timeskip! But I just love gifs so let me live my life 😅

Atsumu Miya x Satori Tendou x Yuu Nishinoya x Kotaro Bokuto x Bi-Gender reader (demigirl, trans mascu, super ace/sex repulsed)✨️Polyship✨️

Warnings: fluff

AN: This is a request from Dragon Anon! This is a pretty specific request and I hope I did ok! I'm still learning about the LGBTQIA+ community 🖤

🏳️‍🌈 Please Like, Share, Comment to support my writing 🏳️‍🌈

😗 YN you sure yourself a creative bunch there

I mean, like do we pray for you or like congratulate you or what here 😅

Your relationship is never boring I'll give you that

Kotaro and Atsumu are constantly busy with practice

We are going to do timeskip here 🥰

I just think it fits better and just to add to the chaos

Which you clearly don't already have enough of 🥲

Please we know his chocolates are DEVINE 😫

Satori is busy loving his best life in Paris

He manages to live in Paris part time and with you all in Japan

Yuu is busy traveling the world and he most definitely had a travel blog ✋🏻

And you, well our amazing YN keeps the whole team together

Essentially you have a mini volleyball team YN

Love that for you 😍

Your boys have always been aware that you identify as both a demi female and a trans masculine male

Surprisingly, they were all not shocked 😅

I mean it never really came up in as a topic of discussion

If feel like if these guys like someone, the way they identify doesn't really matter to them

All your boys were home and everything was going well

You decided you "officially" wanted to come out of them at one of your prearranged family dinners

Family dinners together are rare because of everyone's schedules

But you manage to keep a good relationship via FaceTime and group chats

Don't even get me started on the group chats 🤚🏻

How do you not mute it daily YN 🤣

"Satori pass the salt please"- Yuu asks

"Arms to short to reach there Yuu"- Atsumu smirks

"Remember you beat you at Nationals? Oh yeah I do"- Yuu 🙃

"Yn can I have more please?"- Kotaro

"You've already had like 3 servings Ko!"- Tendou

"Umm I have something to say"- you say quietly but loudly enough for the boys to hear

You just sit back and watch your sweet bbys argue ☺️

Then you decide its time to add more chaos

"Sure YN, what's up"- Satori says setting down his fork

You won't get that from Atsumu, Kotaro or Yuu 😅

Food is life YN 👏🏻

"So I just wanted you guys to know that I'm officially coming out as a demigirl and a trans masc man"- you, waiting for responses 😬

At first they all stare at you but then their faces change to one of inquisition 🤨

"Well, it means I identify as both a girl and a guy. Like I use she/her and he/him pronouns"- you say, trying your best to answer

"Ok YN, what exactly does that mean?"- Atsumu says

We love clarification 👏🏻

They all just stare at you 😳😳😳😳

Yes give us nothing 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻

"Umm is everything ok??"- you say cautiously

"I mean, yeah. It doesn't change how we feel about you YN"- Atsumu says

"Yeah your still our girl"- Tendou says

"You can use any of them!"- you say enthusiastically

"Or boy?"- Yuu questions

"Partner??"- Atsumu adds

"Ok then that's settled! Now dessert"- Kotaro adds

Well 😬 its not ENTIRELY settled yet

You have one more thing to share with them

You'd been nervous to tell them about your asexual, sex repulsed status for a while now

I mean, it can be extremely nerve wreaking

"Well there is one more thing actually"- you say gulping

"Well I'm Asexual also and sex repulsed"- you say, bracing

"Ok YN hit us"- Yuu says

Satori, Yuu, Kotaro and Atsumu 👉🏻👁👄👁 whet-

"Ok so like it's kind of complicated but I don't really experience sexual attraction to people. And I'm not really turned-on by the thought of sex at all"- you, still bracing 😬

They all just sit there and stare at you for a minute

Let it sink into their bby brains YN they need a moment ✋🏻

"Ok so, like how we're you attracted to me YN?"- Atsumu asks

"Well your funny and you have an extremely dedicated personality"- you add

"And me?"- Kotaro asks

Atsumu nods

He's definitely one of those guys who knows he's good looking and literally thinks that's the only thing that attracts people 🙄

"I just adore how sweet you are and how much you hard you work"- you

Yuu looks at you 👀

"I love how much you care for others and how you never give up Yuu"- you

"And Satori, I love your perseverance and how you don't conform to what other people want!"- you say

They all look at you still

"So umm do you guys have anything to say?"- you finally ask

Is it getting hot in here 😅

all eyes on YN 👀

Silence 🔕

You begin to wonder if you said too much

Please you didn't YN they just need time to formulate words

"YN you know we care about you. And our relationship has been working well. I don't think this really changes anything right now"- Satori finally says

"I mean, if it does, I think we all feel like we can talk to you and each other about it"- Yuu adds

"YN we love you for who you are"- Kotaro

"We love how annoying you are, how much a pain in the butt you can be.."- Atsumu adds

"You guys- you guys love me 🥺"- you

Yuu, Satori and Kotaro look at Atsumu 👉🏻😐 really dude

"That's what you got from that"- Atsumu

"I love you guys too!"- you say

Please someone smack him ✋🏻 👦🏼

"Speaking of annoying"- Tendou says rolling his eyes 🙄

The boys all get up, giving you your personal choice of affection

We stan supportive partners 💅🏼

Especially chaotic supportive 🥰

47 notes · View notes

ghostchasersmagazine · 2 years ago

Text

I want to shoutout a really cool HB-based channel I follow on YouTube.

The channel is HB Stop Motions, which does stop-motion shorts about different Hanna Barbera shows, from both the 60s and the 70s (and occasionally the 80s). The channel does a wide variety of shows and updates three times a week, so it’s always fun to see what they post next. The channel is also very organized and has playlists for each individual show.

In relation to this blog specifically, the channel has done the majority of the Mystery Teen shows, as well as most if not all of the shows that the (non-Rotten) Laff-a-Lympics characters appeared in.

I recommend the whole channel of course, but some of my personal favorite videos are:

- The Dynomutt, Dog Wonder shorts, especially the first two. These capture the dynamics between the two characters well, and the Dynomutt figure is especially good.

- The Scooby Doo shorts, especially the second one since it has Scrappy in it and the third one because it made me chuckle. These do a good job capturing the character personalities with how they were in the 70s shows, in particular Fred.

- The Speed Buggy shorts. I found the first one slightly more memorable than the other two, but only slightly since the other two are pretty good too. I just like the vibes on these videos.

- The Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kids shorts, especially the first one because the line “well, it’s a mysterious mystery we have to take care of” is one I think about every now and again. I like the detailing on the figures for the characters (mainly the girls having slightly different lipstick shades and the emphasis on the boys’s neckties) and I like the difference in voice cadence between Butch and Wally, that’s a detail from the show I’m glad to see make it in the shorts. I also was just entertained watching them more generally.

- The Goober and the Ghost Chasers shorts. These are my favorite shorts on the channel (which I’m sure doesn’t surprise you all), with a slight preference towards the first two. I just really like how the characters are portrayed in these shorts, in how it incorporates small details from the show like the group’s tendency to do one (1) bit of detective work and call it a successful day, and things like how excited they were to get a picture of a ghost. I just enjoy watching these shorts in particular.

#textpost #i've bene meaning to make this post ever since i followed the channel but i'm just now getting to it

13 notes · View notes

thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 3 years ago

Note

Bella and Beauford (your version of Beau) are twins, similar features (brown eyes), similar chip on their shoulder, similar flowery language, and Ed can't read either of their minds and both smell like grade A beefcakes. Both move to Forks. What kind of mess do you think will go down? 030 Does Eddie boi get the harem he's never wanted? How much can we destroy the B&B team self esteem? Find out on today's episode of the What if Muffin chronicles~! - Sw

Beauford is a reoccurring guest star on this blog.

Think Bella directly plastered onto a boy: absurdly pretty, still clumsy, still terribly introverted and awful socially, and smells like heroin to one Edward Cullen.

With that, onto your question

The Rules

To set some ground rules that are set in the post, I'm presuming both, somehow, are Edward's singer. Now, given that it's Bella and Beauford (fraternal twins), I'd say this is highly unlikely. Singers are rare, and Charlie and Renee don't notably smell like high quality heroin to Edward. More likely, Bella would be the singer, and Beauford would just smell generally nice (but not murder all of Biology nice).

It's also unlikely they'd have the same exact gift, or a gift that expresses itself in the same manner, blocking Edward out of their minds.

But the rules are set, both are Edward's singer, and both have Bella's absurdly powerful gift.

They're for all intents and purposes the same fucking person that somehow got stuffed in two different gendered bodies. The real genesis of this AU: Renee was abducted by aliens while pregnant and her unborn child experimented on. Beauford is, in fact, Bella's identical twin. Beauford is actually Bella's male clone grown in the womb.

After Bella and Beauford reach sexual maturity they'll be beamed back up into space and put into a zoo on Traflamador. (Except not because that would derail this post... The test pilot on Traflamador blew up their planet before Bella and Beauford could phone home. It's not important.)

Bella, Beauford, and the Time Before Forks

Bella and Beauford are probably frightfully codependent for a few reasons that go by the name of Renee. Renee's still out to lunch parenting, and it falls to Bella and Beauford to take care of adult responsibilities from a very young age.

Bella and Beauford come home from school to an empty house, are the ones to go grocery shopping, pay the bills, pay the taxes, do the laundry, pretty much anything that has "adult responsibility" stamped on it.

As a result, they don't really have time to make friends with kids out of school, and they quickly realize that they're the only ones they can depend on in their lives. More, they're the only ones who get each other on any level.

They're both social outcasts, both not what their mother wanted, both have to deal with their mother, and if they ever get in trouble then it's their sibling that they're going to call. Because no one else will ever be there.

I imagine both Bella and Beauford cling to each other tightly with both hands.

Which, of course, makes things weird.

There's getting along with your twin sibling then there's... only getting along with your twin sibling.

Bella and Beauford have lunch together, by themselves, every day in Phoenix. They partner together on everything and are very displeased if they're forced into a group project with anyone else. They participate in all the same activities and if one isn't allowed to do it then the other quits (yes, Beauford tried to get into ballet class, when Renee put her foot down Bella quit right then and there). They wear each other's clothes, if they can't, then those clothes never get worn (Bella never wears the few dresses in her closet). They actually remember their made up secret twin language and lapse into it accidentally from time to time. They're anxious when they're not in the same classes and meet up after every single class to walk down the hallways together. Rather than have any friends, most of their free time is spent at home reading the same books in the same room. They don't even talk about how amazing Heathcliff is, because they know the other knows.

I imagine they channel such the twins from The Shining. Absurdly good looking, beautiful, kids but good god what is wrong with them?

The Decision to Move

When Phil enters the picture seriously, he's not just a new boyfriend, Bella and Beauford sit down to discuss their options. Neither is quite sure how they feel about Phil.

He's awfully young, but he seems to be good for Renee, and is actually capable of paying his taxes (unlike Renee). He can probably be depended upon not to run off and to make sure Renee is taken care of.

However what about Bella and Beau?

With Bella and Beau going to school, they can't travel across the country every few weeks following Phil. Now, in theory, Renee could abandon them to follow Phil. This wouldn't make much of a difference in their daily lives (might, in fact, make things easier in a way as then Beau/Bella can just handle all the cooking rather than Renee even attempting to). However, Renee would never want to admit she's been leaving her kids to their own devices for years, and would feel horribly guilty to leave them behind.

As it is, they've already told Renee she can go on and travel with Phil and she refused, stating she had to be there for her kids.

There's also that Phil keeps trying to bond with Beau especially. As if he thinks it will be easier to bond with the teenage stepson vs. the stepdaughter. That hasn't been going well, Beau would like to avoid that if at all possible.

On the other hand... Forks, wet, cold, and being the children of the police chief's runaway bride.

Ultimately, the pair come to the same decision Bella came to in canon. They want their mother to be happy, feel desperately like third wheels, and if making Renee happy necessitates going to Forks then to Forks they shall go.

At least they'll have each other, and in the end, that's all that really matters.

Arriving in Forks

Bella and Beau arrive in Forks and receive the same reception they would otherwise. But more so. Holy god, the high school population says, it's the Cullens 2.0.

Eerily pale, beautiful, siblings, who are both sensitive intellectuals (and are also weirdly incestuous acting). All the guys want to date Bella and all the girls want to date Beau (some vice versa but they're not admitting that in a public high school in 2005).

The guys (Mike, Tylor, Eric, etc.) aren't all that thrilled by Beau's presence, he's major competition and day one is attracting all the attention. However, they see him as a way to get an in with Bella, he can set them up on a date and put in a good word. If they become his best friend, they have an excuse to go to his house, where Bella will be.

The girls (even Lauren who was initially very pissed off about Bella's sudden popularity) are much the same. Bella's overrated, but good god, that beautiful brother of hers. If they become Bella's best friend, they can have sleep overs, and might be able to see Beau without a shirt on. No matter Bella's stuffy personality, that hot brother is worth it.

Lunch that first day, as a result, is even more awful than it was in canon. Bella and Beauford, while generally oblivious about themselves, are very observant when it becomes to the behavior of others regarding their sibling.

They have an emergency meeting in the truck after school and come to the same conclusion: Bella/Beau, this entire school of hicks wants in your pants. Dump them all.

Both Bella and Beauford end the day supremely annoyed but reconfirm their commitment to this Forks plan. Beau predicts than in six months they'll be losers again and they'll go back to having lunch by themselves.

But what about the Cullens?

Edward, The Cullens, and Biology

As in canon, both Beauford and Bella notice the entrance of the alien procession into the cafeteria and ask "what the fuck?"

Nobody's thrilled about answering, because no one wants to lose Bella/Beauford to the Cullens of all people (the girls sigh with relief as, at least for them, all the lady Cullens seem to be dating one of the other guys. Beau is safe. The possibility of Edward/Beau is one they dare not contemplate in those five seconds.)

Still, Jessica reluctantly gives the run down. These are the Cullens, they moved in two years ago, are absurdly wealthy, beautiful, and supposedly not actually related. They're all dating each other. No, seriously, they are. Except the hot ginger, Edward, but don't bother because he's an ass.

Both Bella and Beauford think Jessica doth protest too much about Edward and internally give the Cullens the same bisexual Bella ranking: Rosalie, Edward (after a bit of thought), and then the rest of them.

Edward, for his own part, notes that he can't seem to hear either's thoughts. Weird. He concludes that the pair are highly overrated and he can't believe the school's so agog over the pair of them. Stupid teenagers.

Then Biology happens.

The pair open the door and good god, Edward Cullen is a demon. Luckily for them, they have each other. There may be an open seat next to Edward Cullen but Bella and Beauford go "NOPE". You see, teacher, we always sit together. No, really, we ALWAYS sit together.

The teacher is weirded out but it's so weird he actually has nothing to say to that. There's only one immediately open seat anyway, and two new students, so they're clearly in trouble with seating arrangements anyway. So he says, "Um, sure, go sit with Angela I guess." Angela is now in an overcrowded table with both Bella and Beauford, her original partner gleefully goes to sit with hottie Edward (then is in dismay sitting with Edward because this guy looks terrifying today). The twins, throughout Biology, are staring down Edward Cullen.

Edward, of course, has smelled the scent of the gods and is going through his personal hell on earth. He devises his many schemes of how he's going to murder Biology before he can get to the pair of them (Angela, for the record, gets smashed into a wall for the honor of being in Edward's way). Then, he doesn't know which he'd start on, he can't tell which scent comes from which. He tells himself he'll toss a coin, heads the boy goes first, then tails the girl.

Still, thinking of Carlisle's sad, disapproving, face as Edward massacres a room filled with children allows Edward to hold on through Biology. He'll murder them after school. Then of course he's able to clear his head and flees to Alaska.

In the meantime, thanks to being hyperaware of their sibling, and now having someone to talk to and confirm their suspicions with: Edward Cullen is Ted Bundy. This guy is creepy, dangerous, and in that moment it looked as if he was going to kill one or both of them. Bella/Beauford would be alright, though disappointed, if they were murdered then left in a dumpster. But their sibling die and meet that same awful fate? Not ever allowed to happen.

Bella and Beau have the world's most tense drive home and tense night taking turns taking guard and sleeping in the same room. Every time one questions if they're, maybe, just maybe, a little paranoid about this, the other confirms that "NOPE, THAT DUDE WAS SCARY".

They can't tell Charlie, he wouldn't believe them and they have no evidence, but when Edward tries to climb through their window maybe one of them will get in a good hit with the baseball bat (they won't, they're both debilitatingly clumsy).

The next day, to their confusion and relief, Edward Cullen isn't at school. He's not there the day after that either, or the day after that...

Beau and Bella start to relax, if only a little bit.

Edward, Alaska, and the Prodigal Son Returns

Edward in Alaska calms down and goes through the same thought process he did in canon. He keeps picturing the twins' faces, his obsession beginning to blossom, and convinces himself that he can't let these unremarkable humans get in the way of his life and his family.

After a week of brooding, much to Carlisle's horror, Edward returns to Forks and goes straight back to school. Specifically, he wants to do damage control with the twins and see just how much they actually noticed.

This goes worse than in canon.

First, Edward has to approach their shared table with Angela like a loser. There, Bella and Beau clearly don't want to talk at him, at all, and both clearly vividly remember exactly what happened last Biology class.

Edward barely gets a word in before he has to go to his seat. When he notices Bella, Beau, and Angela get their lab done as quickly as him (thanks to Bella and Beau), he tries again.

Bella and Beau both ask to go to the bathroom. (Yes, teacher, at the same time. Don't question this.) They don't come back. Edward, after ten minutes, also goes to the bathroom. He finds the pair in their giant, red, truck in the parking lot, deep in conversation (trying to figure out what the fuck is up with Edward Cullen).

He approaches them again, being as charming as possible. This has the opposite effect. Directed towards only them, Beau/Bella would probably let this slide. Directed towards Beloved Sibling, their "DANGER, WILL ROBINSON" sirens are blaring in their head. Beau floors it, and the pair tear out of the parking lot as fast as the truck will take them, they're telling Charlie they're taking a sick day. What will they do next Biology class? FUCK IF THEY KNOW.

Edward, standing in the parking lot with his mouth open, feels very very embarrassed and ashamed. He is a man eating demon and these two are perfectly aware of it. The rest of the Cullens find him there not long after, they find this both sad and hilarious.

Bella and Beau Get Hit by a Van

Well, this would all be well and good. Edward tells himself that if the pair are so determined to avoid him then he'll just avoid them. Problem solved. More, the pair don't seem to be chatterboxes, there's no weird rumors spreading about Edward Cullen or his siblings. At least, no more than usual.

Instead, it seems that everyone's trying to ask the twins to the dance, and are very confused when the twins say that they're going with each other. Sibling policy. You see. (They don't see, nobody sees, this is weird.)

Then it happens. Bella nearly gets hit by a van, Edward saves her, with Beau as a full not-concussed witness. FUCK. Bella and Beau travel to the hospital, Edward driving along behind them, and then after Carlisle checks Bella out they have their awkward talk.

Bella wants to insist that Edward was clearly the one who saved her, with his strange superhuman strength, but thanks to twin telepathy (which either is actual telepathy or is just reading twin body language, who even knows) knows that Beau wants her to shut up. They say nothing, the truth isn't important.

Instead, Beau states that he was the one who pulled Bella out of the way, Bella's just confused. Edward stares at Beau like he's an alien. Beau just smiles, thanks Edward for his concern, then throws Edward out of the room.

Bella and Beau madly discuss that Edward's clearly not human. More, while he saved her life today and that was very noble of him, neither has truly forgotten how he was in that first day of Biology. More, did you see him now? He clearly wanted, desperately for Bella to not remember what happened. He crushed that van like a pretzel, what if they told him that they saw him? What would happen to them? Beau doesn't want to take chances, not even for the truth, and in retrospect Bella doesn't either. Now is not the time to look gifted horses in the mouth.

Given Bella's injured, Beau's on full guard duty that night.

Meanwhile, the Cullens have their vote. It's even more dramatic, because instead of just one innocent, injured, witness, there's two witnesses and one was completely uninjured. Carlisle is utterly appalled that Rosalie genuinely suggests murdering them both so she doesn't have to move. He's more appalled when Edward reveals that he believes the twins may believe that Edward... wishes them harm for having witnessed his heroics.

Because the irony being that the twins are right, the family is voting on this very issue right now. And what does that say about all of them?

Thankfully for Beau and Bella, the vote goes very similarly to canon. Jasper's not convinced until Alice has her vision.

And she drops the bomb. Edward's in love with Bella, Beau will be Edward's best friend and Bella Alice's, and both Bella and her brother will be turned and join the coven.

(Now, what Alice doesn't tell Edward is that, actually, Edward's in love with them both. It's safer to say that Edward's in love with the woman, as that's what Edward will far more readily accept. Throwing Beau into that mix would just make things very messy, if Alice wants her best friend and Edward's happy ending then she has to be smart about this.)

The family has a similar reaction. Carlisle gives his, "Well, alright then" and the family doesn't move. Edward, in despair and self-hatred, heads to the Swan house to see sleeping Bella for himself.

And lo and behold, Beau has been waiting for him. Beau tries to smash Edward's face in with a bat. Unfortunately, a) Edward's a vampire, b) Beau misses.

Beau and Edward end up talking, man to man, while Bella is sleeping. Edward decides that, yes, oh woe, he is in love with Beauford's sister and confesses as much (while also confessing that he might, you know, actually be dangerous). Beau suggests that Edward stay far away from his sister.

No, there's nothing Beau can do to stop Edward. Yes, he is just a pathetic human even more pathetic than most, but he promises that he will make Edward and his family's life hell on Earth if Edward ever thinks of assaulting his sister.

Edward protests he would never, Beau points out that Edward just climbed through his injured sister's window in the dead of night. Edward... tries and fails to explain away that one.

He actually does succeed in that he explains that Bella was in danger from... his siblings. Edward had come to protect Bella, to make sure none came to harm her. It's not necessarily his siblings' fault, it's complicated but... Well, Edward was trying to be somewhat noble.

Then something strange happens. Edward finds himself fascinated by this Beauford Swan. Such courage in the world's weakest, no most delicate, body. Look at those eyelashes, his big dark eyes, his perfectly shaped features. This boy is beautiful, as beautiful as his sister, and just as courageous as she is. And look at him now, nobly facing down a demon he knows he cannot win against for the sake of his sister.

How virtuous.

Edward tells himself that what he's feeling is kinship and admiration for Beauford Swan. Bella could not have a worthier brother. Edward leaves with the promise that he'll respect Beau's wishes (Beau doesn't believe that for a second).

The next morning, Beau tells Bella that Edward's the world's biggest creep and that the Twin Watch is not stopping anytime soon. They're going to need to make a big purchase of coffee.

Edward and His Torment

As in canon, Edward decides he should nobly stay out of Bella's life. He'll see if either twin really does talk (they don't) and then he'll ignore them until they disappear. They will forget him.

They don't, but they do discuss him. See, after much pondering, the twins realize that Edward truly is a Grade A hottie. More, he's so mysterious and inhuman. In retrospect, his saving Bella's life goes a long way, and for all that he's been... menacing, he's never truly threatened them and does seem intent on protecting Bella. More, he seems to be keeping his promise: he's staying out of Bella's life and he hasn't been back to the house since (he has, but they haven't caught him, Edward waits until they both crash until he can sneak in and stare at them both).

And he's never lied about being dangerous. Their glares soften into pondering glances, wondering just what the truth of this Edward Cullen and his family really is, and wonder what it'd be like to let him into their small, insular, world that no one before has ever managed to breach in the way he has.

Bella doesn't believe he's truly interested in her, despite Beau's insistence, and wonders if he's interested in Beau. Beau, for his own part, doesn't believe Edward's interested in him and insists that he's clearly very interested in Bella.

Reluctantly, the pair conclude that Edward is something likely very dangerous, against Edward's will, but benign. Whatever it was they sensed from Edward that first day, it was not something in his control.

Helping this is Edward enabling the mysterious mystery by breaking. He can't stay away from the twins. He tells them that he's tired of staying away from them, that they shouldn't be friends, that he doesn't want to be friends (but wants to be something hint, hint, wink, wink). Except he's convinced he and Beauford are friends, dual protectors of the angel Bella Swan. If he stares a little too much at Beau's perfect figure then that's because he's the perfect, male, version of his perfect sister.

Anyway, the twins go to Long Beach with the others and the twins are now just too curious. Edward's giving them nothing and they must know. Bella flirts with Jake for information, Beau is appalled that this works, and they hear the cold ones story. That night, they both have the prophetic Slayer dream: Edward is a vampire.

Bella tells Beauford that she knows three things. One is that she's in love with Edward. Beau's not sure how to take that for a second but, being Bella's twin and on the same weird wavelength, he gets it. He's in love with Edward too.

Neither finds it strange that they both confess to being in love with the same demon and that they see no conflict of interest in this.

The pair go to Port Angeles to help Jessica and Angela pick up dresses. (Angela and Jessica aren't sure why a man is coming, but they've learned not to question this twin thing). Bella and Beau ultimately decided not to go to the dance, too risky giving the deluge of invitations they received, and instead they'll be headed to Seattle that weekend. They claim this is not a date, Angela and Jessica just stare.

Due to Beau being with Bella, though the pair get hopelessly lost looking for the book store, Bella doesn't get followed by rapists. Edward shows up anyway, as Alice saw the possibility, and takes the pair of them to romantic Italian dinner. It's weird.

He then drives them home and Bella blurts it out. Edward's a vampire, she and Beau know. Edward has his miniature meltdown and realizes that these pair of siblings forgive him this. Beau, beautiful man that he is, is giving Edward his beloved sister and Bella is giving not only herself but her wonderful brother's hand in friendship.

Edward invites them both, that's right, them both, to the meadow. Neither thinks this is strange. And when they get there. Boom, it's over, any chance to question this is gone. Both Bella and Beau are seduced by Edward's sparkling chest and his quotes about lions.

He rests his head on Bella's chest but puts his right hand on Beau's. They sit like that. For hours.

The Cullens (Again)

Well, this went from weird to fucking weirder. It was weird enough when Edward became obsessed with this rando teenage girl. Now, it turns out that Edward's a horn dog panting after bisexual twins, clearly intending to romance them both at the same time.

Carlisle dearly tries to have an intervention. He sends Esme to do it, as in canon, this doesn't work (Esme is perfectly fine with Edward's twincest fetish and thinks it's wonderful).

Alice tells a dubious Jasper that Edward and Beau are just friends. Jasper doesn't believe her, but he's not sure what to even say.

Emmett is desperately holding in Edward sandwich jokes. Desperately.

When Beau and Bella are invited to the house (together of course), the entire family has no idea what to say to them. At all. They don't know how to process this. Rosalie is actually there this time, because somebody needs to warn these two about what Edward really wants, but then they're too weird.

It's all just too weird.

And... the rest of canon happens.

The baseball game occurs, James dies, Victoria's not sure which Swan she should target and so she targets them both anyway. They're in the same damn place so it makes 0 difference.

Bella and Beau joint hallucinate Hallucination Edward, somehow, and get even weirdly more codependent in their zombie fugue state. This tanks their popularity as now there's no denying the incest. Bella and Beau don't care.

Bella and Beau reach out to get Jake to build them the motorcycles. Jake doesn't necessarily want Beau around, the dude's weird and getting in the way of Bella time, but alright. Bella and Jake's friendship doesn't take off because Bella's codependent on Beau.

They do learn about the wolves though thanks to Jake's crush on Bella. Jake never realizes that he's coming in third place not only to Edward Cullen but to Beauford Swan. He thinks he has a chance. That poor boy.

Bella and Beau jump off the cliff together, convinced they weren't committing suicide.

Alice returns, gets Bella and Beau to go to Volterra, because Edward has to see that they're both alive. There's a joyful reunion, Aro is really weirded out by this whole damn thing and has a five second pause after touching Marcus' hand. "Well." he says afterwards, "You and your brother are close. I see."

They get to go home, Aro insists they turn. Eclipse happens. Edward proposes marriage to Bella. Neither Beau nor Bella are thrilled (mostly about the marriage and also about the question of how the twin enters this equation) but ultimately Bella accepts. Bella and Edward marry publicly.

Beau is invited for the honeymoon. Edward, Bella, nor Beau question this. Everyone else does. A lot. On Isle Esme, the three confirm their commitment to each other: they have a secret marriage. Edward and Beau are both convinced they're not in a relationship. Bella and Beau are convinced they're not incestuous.

Sex is had by... someone. Unclear who.

Bella gets pregnant, this seems to confirm Edward must be the father but... Bella and Beau are both very strange, almost alien, and very gifted. There is some red in their hair. Questions the Cullens dare not speak aloud are thought, Edward doesn't seem to notice.

TL;DR Basically, the books still happen but Edward is cuckolded and enables twincest.

...

I did not see this one coming guys. I swear. I did not.

452 notes · View notes

floatingcatacombs · 3 years ago

Text

Oniisama e... and the Role of Girl's Love in Founding Modern Shoujo

12 Days of Aniblogging 2021, Day 3

I finished Dear Brother/Oniisama e this year! Everything I brought up in my 2020 blog post on the series remains true. It’s a masterclass in shoujo melodrama, terrible girls, and repeating the same shot three times to add emphasis to the scene. As expected, the second half of the show significantly ups the ante when it comes to ridiculous private school drama. Our main character Nanako is repeatedly toyed with by powerful upperclassmen, and the sorority drama boils over into outright revolution, very clearly taking a note from Riyoko Ikeda’s previous work, The Rose of Versailles.

Unfortunately, Oniisama e hits the brakes towards the end, focusing too much on the characters everyone cares the least about. It also tries to scrub away every trace of gayness from the show in order to convince the watcher that it was all just a phase, killing off exactly who you’d expect them to and shoving everyone else into last-minute heterosexual relationships. This sucks, but it’s not a sin unique to Oniisama e – the idea of lesbianism in media as either a phase or an invitation for death was the norm up until very recent times. You can see it in the American lesbian pulp fiction of the 1950s and Japan’s own Class S literature of the early 20th century.

Oniisama e’s anime adaptation was released in 1991, and by the end of that decade, yuri manga would finally begin to enter the mainstream, finally able to have something other than tragic endings. But Oniisama e isn’t a product of those times. Its manga was originally published in 1974, which I had always imagined as a dark age for lesbian lit. As it turns out, I was looking at it from the wrong angle. Oniisama e was on the experimental fringe of the movement that created modern shoujo as we know it.

It's hard to imagine just how different shoujo was before the 70’s, but most of it stems from the genre being treated for decades as a stepping stone for male mangaka before they could get to publishing shounen instead. The target audience was far younger, so most early shoujo depicted young children instead of high school girls. Because of all of this, romance, which is the first thing you think of in terms of modern shoujo, was rare.

But by the end of the 1960’s, the genre had gradually shifted into being written primarily by women, and adolescent settings had begun to gain popularity. This set the stage for a revolution in the early 70’s, in which a group of female artists retroactively referred to as the Year 24 Group all started greatly expanding the boundaries of what shoujo could be. Subgenres such as science fiction flourished under this reimagining of shoujo, while romance became far more prevalent, even in controversial forms such as boys’ love and girls’ love. Narratives became complex and sometimes politically relevant, channeling the radicalness of the student protests just a few years earlier.

So in short, Oniisama e is the way it is because its author was literally inventing modern shoujo in the process. But what about the other authors in the Year 24 Group? As it turns out, some of Ikeda’s contemporaries were depicting female-female relationships more explicitly, at the cost of relegating them to even more tragic endings.

Siroi Heya no Futari is a groundbreaking 1971 oneshot by Ryoko Yamagishi that is all but forgotten these days, but was one of the very first manga that could be considered yuri. It reads as surprisingly tropey from a modern lens, which suggests a lot of future yuri carried its lineage. It’s short, so you should honestly just read it for yourself here, but I’ll outline it real quick:

The shoujo revolution brought with it more experimental panel composition

Spoiled French princess orphan Denise de Poisson (they really pulled out all the stops for the background of their innocent feminine girl) is sent to Catholic school against her will. Her roommate is Simone D’Arc, the evil black-haired delinquent of the school. Both girls are clearly having a terrible time here, and they take it out on each other for most of the manga. They don’t ever really have a friendship, going straight from hatred to doomed romance, only bonding due to their shared circumstances. They are cast together in a production of Romeo and Juliet, where they share a passionate stage kiss. Eventually, word gets out about their lesbianism, and Simone tries to get Denise a boyfriend in order to “fix” her. When this actually works out, Simone finds herself scorned, and she ends up killing herself, because Denise was apparently her one true love. Denise is forced to carry this knowledge and pledges never to love again, living a life of stonehearted isolation.

And that’s a wrap! There’s a lot going on in these 80 pages, most relevant the idea of sexual purity through lesbianism. Though the relationship between Denise and Simone is clearly rotten, it’s still treated as innocent in the moment. Both express bisexuality at different points in the story, which is ultimately what leaves them tainted. Simone is unable to “grow out” of her lesbian relationship and it ultimately consumes her, taking Denise down with her. Obviously, this is a terrible takeaway message, but it’s enlightening to see it spelled out so clearly in this manga. These are the sexual politics which guided lesbian literature for pretty much all of the 20th century, and ripples of this obsession with purity and youthfulness still appear in plenty of modern yuri, much to my chagrin. On the other hand, it’s good to know that yuri in which one or both of the girls are absolutely insane has always been around. Ditto to the school play, which fundamentally exists in manga to facilitate crossdressing in a gay or trans way.

In conclusion, Catholic school sucks.

#12 days of anime #oniisama e #riyoko ikeda #Siroi Heya no Futari #shoujo #dear brother

162 notes · View notes

babyjakes · 3 years ago

Text

forever and a day | 41. home.

〈 disclaimer: this blog posts content not suitable for individuals under the age of 18. minors are strictly prohibited from viewing, sharing, or interacting with this blog. for more information on this blog's commitment to protecting minors, read our full statement here. 〉

← last chapter | series masterlist | next chapter →

summary | a story in which america’s favorite captain gives a new life and family to a five-year-old girl who has suffered well beyond her years at the hands of hydra.

characters | dad!steve rogers, girl/willa rogers (original character)

warnings | AU similar enough to OU to include spoilers to many Marvel movies (Age of Ultron and beyond). action and fight scenes with violence and killing. injuries/mild gore. mature themes related to and semi-graphic depictions of child abuse/neglect, past CSA and CSM, and their aftermath (emaciation, wounds, scarring, etc). medical abuse and experimentation. ptsd/trauma symptoms in a child (developmental discrepancies, de-humanized behavior, detachment, extreme fears). medical treatment of CSM and other aftermath of abuse.trauma-informed therapeutic treatment of ECT. minor mentions of disordered eating. themes relating to abuse of power/authority and immoral interrogation tactics including SA (with brief depictions.) evil!Tony Stark.

[Steve]

As my tired eyes scan over the various piles of paper covering my desk, I sigh, pushing myself back in my seat slightly and running an anxious hand through my hair. In the past few weeks since returning from Romania, my life has been a complete whirlwind of chaos. For the most part, though, no one knows it. Bucky is the only person I’ve let in on all of my plans. Today, however, I plan on breaking my silence and dropping the news on the rest of the team.

I run my hands over the stack in front of me, pushing the sides in a bit to tidy it up. As overwhelming as this has all been, it’s all felt right to me. I know I’m making the correct decisions for both me and Willa. I just hope everyone else will see it that way, too.

Taking a mental inventory once again in my mind, I assure myself for the millionth time that everyone is home and available at the tower today. Reaching over and picking up my phone off the desk, I pull up the Avengers group chat. With shaky fingers, I begin to type out my message.

Steve: Since everyone’s around today, there’s something I want to let you all know. Meet up in the lounge at noon.

Hitting send, I glance at the clock positioned at the top of my screen. I have about an hour until noon. While I wish I could’ve just said, “Let’s meet right now,” I wanted to give everyone a chance to get ready. Only a few moments later, there’s a knock at my door. “Come in,” I call, wondering who could already be wanting to talk to me.

The door opens slowly to reveal Peter, a questioning look on his face. “H-hey Cap,” he greets, tugging on the hem of his blue button-down. My posture immediately softens when I see who’s come to chat, and I offer him a smile, leaning back slightly in my office chair.

“Hey Peter. What’s up?”

The boy continues to play nervously with the fabric of his shirt, holding his phone in the other hand. “Well, I just got your text, a-and… I’m assuming it’s something important? What you’re calling the team meeting for, I mean,” he clarifies, waving his device slightly in the air. “And I was wondering, am I supposed to come? If all the adults are gonna talk about something, then- then I’d be happy to watch Willa while you guys- well, you know,” he rambles. Humming, I nod. I guess I didn’t think of that until now, but I would like to break the news separately to the little girl. The way I’m going to explain things to the others is different from how I’d like to flesh them out for her.

“That would be great, Peter. Thank you,” I graciously accept his offer. “It’s something I’m gonna tell Willa about when it’s just the two of us, so it would be perfect if you could watch her while the rest of us talk.” The teen nods, seeming content with this plan. “I guess, then, that I might as well tell you now, what’s going on. Since you won’t be there when I tell the rest of the team,” I add.

Peter’s ears perk up at this, and his eyes rise to meet my own. “O-okay,” he says, stepping further into the room and closing the door behind him. “What’s going on?” he asks softly.

“You can come sit down,” I say with a slight chuckle, motioning to my bed. Peter returns a nervous smile as he makes his way over to it, sitting himself down on the very edge of the mattress.

“So,” he tries again. “So- what’s up?”

I sigh, suddenly feeling unprepared to disclose the news to the kid. “Well,” I begin. “Sometime after Willa, Bucky, and I returned from Romania… I came to the decision that Willa and I are going to be moving out of the tower.” Peter’s eyes widen at the news, and a slight frown forms on his face. “After everything that’s happened with Tony, I just feel like the safest option would be to remove him from Willa’s environment.” Peter nods understandingly, and a hint of relief washes over me. At least he seems to be getting it. “On top of that, things are just awfully hectic around here. I’m not sure that’s the kind of setting I want to raise her in.”

“W-wow. I…” Peter trails off, appearing to be at a loss for words. “That’s definitely not something I was expecting. But I totally get it. And I support you; I support you guys,” he says. “Whatever’s best for Willa is definitely the right choice.” A look of compassion crosses Peter’s face, and I feel my entire body softening up to his grace. What an absolute gem of a kid. He never fails to amaze me with his heart of gold.

“And there’s something I wanted to talk to you and Wanda about, specifically,” I continue, earning a nod from the boy. “The apartment I’ve settled on is located across town, in the same complex as Bucky’s. I was lucky enough to find one with three bedrooms. One for me, one for Willa, and a spare. The plan, for now, is to have the spare as the guest room; you could come and visit whenever you want. But I also want both you and Wanda to know that if you would like to come and live with us, you know, permanently, you’re more than welcome to.”

When I became serious about moving out and bringing Willa with me, the idea of inviting Wanda and Peter was already lingering in the back of my mind. Peter specifically because he’s Willa’s best friend, her almost-brother. But in a broader sense, both of the teens because I frankly don’t know if the tower is a place for any child to be growing up in. And then on top of that, Wanda had her traumatic experience while in captivity, and I made the conscious decision to commit to taking care of her, in whatever capacity she needs. I have no idea what either of the kid’s responses will be to this offer, but it only feels right that I make it.

A pensive look forms on Peter’s face as he remains silent for a few moments, processing the information he’s been given. “Y-you mean, we… I could come live with you? Like, instead of living here?” he asks slowly, as if he doesn’t believe what he’s been told.

“That’s right,” I confirm. “I know how close you and Willa are, and I know how hard it was on you when we were away in Romania. Aside from that, I know things in the tower aren’t always easy. What I want to create for Willa is a real home. There’s no pressure one way or the other, but if you want a home like that, you deserve one just as much as she does.” The expression on the young boy’s face shifts from confusion to sadness, surprising me at the sudden and unexpected change.

“I… Cap,” Peter whispers weakly.“You know I can’t.”

Troubled by his words, I furrow my eyebrows, asking, “What do you mean?”

He sucks in a breath, his gaze falling to his lap. “It… you know he’d… Mr. Stark would…” His familiar words break my heart, and I nod understandingly, wishing he’d look up at me. “Th-thank you, Cap. I don’t- I don’t know what to say,” he mumbles warily. “I-if I could… I wish it… but… I can’t.”

“Peter. Look at me,” I murmur seriously. The kid takes in another shaky breath, his big brown eyes glancing up to connect with mine. To my despair, they’re lined with tears. I wish I knew how to make things easier for him. He’s just so caught up with Tony that he doesn’t see any way out, even if it’s staring straight at him. “Tony means a lot to you, I get that, but he doesn’t control you. If you want to come with us, he has no say in it,” I try to reason with him.

“B-but he’d… Cap, you know I can’t,” he states again, a little bit more urgency present in his voice this time around. “Mr. Stark, h-he’d- he’d… I don’t even know what he’d do, but it would be bad. It would be really, really bad,” the poor boy rambles anxiously.

“He can’t do anything to you, Peter, other than get upset with you. It’s your decision. He might not like what you do, but that shouldn’t matter. Tony’s behavior, especially recently, has been… it’s been unacceptable. Out of control. You shouldn’t let him influence you.”

“I-I know he’s been out of control, but… that’s the whole point. If I make him upset, who knows what he’ll…” Peter sighs, shaking his head. “I can’t, Cap. I’m sorry. If I could, I’d… I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“Peter, hey,” I say, my voice falling to a mere hush. “Are you… afraid he would hurt you? You know we wouldn’t let him do that, right? You know I wouldn’t let him do that?” His gaze falls again, and he squeezes his hands together, his shoulders slouching sadly.

“I-I… I have to go. I’m sorry, Cap. I’ll come visit lots, I promise.” The boy rises to his feet, and I stand as well, reaching an instinctive hand out.

“Hey, wait,” I try, but he’s already making his way over to exit.

“’m sorry,” he says again before opening the door, ducking out without another word.

Standing outside Willa’s door, I take a deep breath, placing my hand on the cool metal knob. The meeting went surprisingly smoothly. Everyone was saddened to hear about my decision, but they were all understanding. Tony stayed silent through the entire thing. The look on his face was hard to decipher; I couldn’t tell if it was remorse or just bitterness. Clint and Thor both agreed to help me and Bucky move furniture into the apartment. I’ve decided to buy new and leave what we already own at the tower. Hopefully we’ll be able to come back and visit often. I’m surely going to miss my friends and this strange place I’ve learned to call home. Bruce said he would be more than happy to come by regularly to check up on Willa’s health. He also mentioned that he had found a therapist who might be able to help her begin to work through some of her trauma, which would be a great thing to start thinking about as we make this transition.

I had the same discussion with Wanda after the team meeting that I had with Peter. She was deeply touched, but politely declined, which I completely understood. After she finally disclosed her trauma to me back on the night we came home, I was able to help her connect with Natasha about the issue, who has since taken over in a lot of ways to address the situation and further care for the teen. Since then, she and Nat have become extremely close, and Wanda’s decided that she would feel most comfortable staying here with her. In the end, I’m just glad she’s finally getting the help and support she deserves. And of course, she agreed to come visit often. She said she would really miss us both, and I could tell she meant it.

So now there’s just one more person to tell.

I knock gently on the door once before opening it. Willa and Peter are sitting on the floor, playing with a set of blocks Bucky got for the little girl. Right away, I notice that her soft brown hair is pulled back into two low pigtails, something Peter must’ve done while we were in the meeting. The pair look up at me and I smile at them, earning two in return. “Hey, we just finished up,” I tell them as I walk over and join the two down on the floor, sitting cross-legged beside Willa. “What’re you up to? Playing with some blocks?”

“A'phabet,” Willa tells me, pointing to the pattern she’s made out on the floor.

“That’s right, sweetie; good job. Do you know all the letters of the alphabet?” She thinks for a moment, nodding slowly.

“Can sing them in the song,” she answers.

“Yeah, she got them all right when she sang it for me,” Peter confirms. I smile at the little girl, rubbing her arm encouragingly.

“That’s great, Willa. I’m so proud of you. Remember when we first played with the blocks and you didn’t know where some of them went?” Willa nods, smiling back up at me.

“P-p'oud of me,” she beams shyly, leaning against me carefully. I wrap an arm around her, pulling her up so that she’s sitting on my lap.

“Yep. Always proud of you, lovebug,” I tell her. “And it looks like Peter did your hair, huh? That was awfully nice of him.”

“Ponies!” the little girl beams, her voice soft like always but still full of excitement. Peter grins over at us and nods.

“I think I’m getting better at them! At least, I hope I am,” he says with a laugh.

“Well, I think they look just wonderful,” I say very matter-of-factly, causing Willa’s cheeks to turn pink. Glancing back up at Peter, I ask, “Hey Pete, do you think Willa and I could have a little time alone? I wanna let her in on what’s going on.” A knowing look forms on his face and he nods, rising to his feet.

“Sure thing, Cap,” he agrees. I can feel the Willa tense in my arms slightly as her friend makes his way to the door, turning to wave before exiting and closing the door behind him. Now with just the two of us, the child in my arms grows even more restless, her little body quaking against my own.

“Hey, you’re alright,” I murmur, rubbing her arm soothingly as she looks up at me with wide eyes. “It’s nothing scary, doll. I promise.” But I know my words do little to comfort her.

“Was I bad? Don’t beat me,” she whimpers, and my heart sinks. Slowly, I begin to rock her back and forth, hoping to show her that she’s still safe with me.

“I won’t hurt you, sweetheart. And no, you weren’t bad. You’re not in trouble, Willa. Not in trouble at all. I just have something I want to tell you, that’s all.”

“N-not scary?” she asks fearfully.

“Not scary,” I tell her, linking my pinky up with hers. At this promise, she relaxes slightly, though I can tell that deep down she’s still on edge. “This is something I’ve been thinking about since we came back from our trip with Bucky,” I begin, not exactly sure how I want to break the news to the little girl. “I’ve just been thinking that… with everything that’s happened since we, well… since I took you in, I just decided that… we need a place of our own.”

Willa blinks. “A place of our own?”

“Mhmm. And I found one. It’s over by where Bucky lives. An apartment, for the two of us.”

“Ap-partm-ment?” she repeats back the word. I nod.

“It’s sort of a house. Like the one in Romania, only the one I found is a lot nicer. There’s a kitchen and a living room, and bedrooms and bathrooms, everything we need. And it’s just for us.”

Willa looks thoughtfully up at me. Her reaction is hard to read, though at least it’s not bad, from what I can tell. “A house… just for us? A house like… like in th-the books you read me before bed? Where little kids live… with their mommies and daddies? A h-house for… for us? We… you…” To my surprise, the child’s big green eyes fill with tears as she finishes her question, “… you’re gonna bring me home?”

Tears well up in my own eyes as I look down at her, her face filled with an overwhelming sense of hope and wonder. “That’s right, sweetheart,” I murmur, bringing a gentle hand up to stroke her cheek. “I’m finally gonna bring you home.”

← last chapter | series masterlist | next chapter →

#faad #faad: home #eun's writing #steve rogers #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers series #steve rogers au #steve rogers angst #steve rogers fluff #hurt/comfort #steve rogers x child!oc #dad!steve rogers #the avengers #avengers fanfiction #mcu #mcu fanfiction #captain america #captain america fanfiction

54 notes · View notes