#which is a chronic symptom I haven’t had for a while

[weirdstrangeandawful]

Oh please please please don’t let me have covid…

My body genuinely cannot take another round of it. Especially not just 7 months after the first time.

[bekkathyst]

Hey folks, this post is super personal and basically a long rant about health issues and the state of the healthcare system, so please proceed with caution especially if any of that is triggering to you. But if anyone else who maybe has some experience with these things and wants to offer some advice, I welcome it because I’m truly at a loss right now.

I’m really trying to be hopeful that my health issues will get figured out and I’ll finally get help for what I think is an autoimmune condition that is existing just under the diagnosable levels, but I’m losing any faith I had left in the healthcare system. The truth is I haven’t felt normal since 2021. I never felt better than I did while I was pregnant and then the year afterward. (Aside from the blood pressure issues at first lol) I keep find myself missing who I was back then. I was able to do so much, hike so far and high up, I had so much energy and I felt great. My blood pressure was under control, my blood sugar was perfect without restricting what I ate, my body wasn’t constantly inflamed and in pain, I didn’t have multiple migraines a month, and I didn’t have problems sleeping. I keep asking myself over and over what I did differently then, but I just can’t understand why I got so bad so quickly while they keep telling me it’s my fault because I’m just fat and not eating well or exercising enough. It’s maddening and I’m tired of hearing that. The reason I’m not exercising as much any more is because I’m constantly in pain or dealing with being sick. (And I eat SO well, better than I ever have before like wtf. And I do still exercise to be clear, I’m in nature every change I get.)

I was really hoping that I wasn’t going to face this here like I did in America, but it really seems like doctors just do not care about your symptoms and if you’re not presenting with the exact blood levels they studied to diagnose things, they’re just convinced you’re either making everything up or exaggerating.

So far I know I have: insulin resistance, high blood pressure (managed), PCOS, I’m hypermobile (which has been confirmed but no one’s bothered to look into it and any possible comorbidities), I have lipedema in my arms, hips, and thighs, chronic migraines, subclinical hypothyroidism, iron deficient anemia that I have to keep getting infusions for, and basically my whole life I’ve had headaches and heart palpitations. Phew.

I’m just at a loss here. This past year alone I’ve gained 30 lbs without changing anything, and if I bring this up I’m just told to stop eating carbs which is just absolutely not helpful. It’s clearly a symptom of whatever is going on and not the other way around. I’m so tired! And on top of the usual symptoms, I now spend basically October through April being sick with various coughs, infections, etc with little breaks of being normal in between.

Has anyone else dealt with this and have you found anything that’s helped? I try really hard to take care of myself, but it feels like these days nothing is really making a difference anymore.

[talkethtothehandeth]

“Doctor shopping.” Let’s talk about her.

If you’re disabled you’ve probably heard of this before— if you haven’t, or you’re just unfamiliar in general, or an ableist who says this shit, let’s talk about it <3 because the definition has been overtaken and pissed on by more ableist bitches than the ones who demonized addiction within the medical field and caused this term to exist.

So, “doctor shopping” is actually originated from the people who oversee healthcare, which includes any non medical professionals who are involved in the process as well, like big pharma. It’s been defined (in medical related research journals, not just on social media/ the internet), as “a patient consultation with multiple physicians in a short time frame with the explicit intent to deceive them in order to obtain controlled substances.”

However, you hear in the community, from ableist ableds or even ableist disabled people who are like fucking rabid and frothing at the mouth, gnashing their teeth while flipping over the tiniest of pebbles to find “fakers”, (which is usually an AFAB person with multiple conditions that are followed by a slew of symptoms ranging in prevalence and severity, or someone that doesn’t “seem disabled” who becomes a target). So they call it “doctor shopping” when they see chronically ill or disabled people continue to advocate for themselves by going to countless appointments to try to find out what is causing their health to decline. They (ableists) think that by changing providers or continuing to pursue a diagnosis between multiple providers constitutes doctor shopping. It isn’t our desire, and it’s absolutely exhausting and painful when you’re left with no answers.

If I had not gone to the ER multiple times within two months, I would have died. The fluids kept me alive, and the medicine helped. My mom was preparing my dad for my death, and my fiancée was petrified of losing me because my condition continued to declined. But the entire time I was there, I was terrified of asking for medicine because I didn’t want to be labeled a drug seeker, especially because I’ve been open (for my safety) about using marijuana products. I was crying from how bad it was, my blood pressure was in stage two hypertension from the stress on my body.

They said it was, “nothing to worry about” when I saw my nutrition levels were low. My doctor wants a comprehensive metabolic panel because it is something to worry about because my symptoms were severe. And I had to see another doctor, but that facility ignored me for two months while my pcp and I tried working it out with them. They fucked around with my health for two fucking months. So I had to find a different person, and when I went to her she ordered a procedure, which meant a different facility, which means, yet again a different provider. I even had to go to a different hospital at one point for more tests.

Believe me, we don’t want to go to all of these appointments or see all of these doctors because, half of the time, even though there is something wrong with us, they don’t listen. We don’t want to go back and forth and get more medical trauma just for fun or for a silly little made up diagnosis competition bullshit.

People don’t change their doctors because they want to collect diagnoses like Pokémon, people do it because they want to live comfortably, or at the very least suffer less by finding some sort of direction to move towards to better their own health. I was literally preparing to die from medical neglect, because I did my absolute best and still, to this day, don’t have answers. If I hadn’t sought out more providers, I probably wouldn’t have been able to write this post. I’d be dead already.

This desperate desire to cherry pick what someone shares on the internet about their health and literally fucking stalk people on their social media accounts while looking for any sign that someone could potentially be faking their symptoms is, unfortunately, accepted due to disabled people hating themselves, and ableds hating disabled people. It’s that simple, in my mind.

Other peoples’ bodies, disabilities or symptoms are none of your fucking business, and, yes, this includes the things we decide to share. Disabled people share what we want to, and we live in our bodies 24/7. And some of you really need to sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up about how disabled people manage their health care.

I’m not saying there aren’t people who fake conditions, but I am saying that it’s far less than what you choose to believe. You say you want to protect “actually” disabled people by weeding out fakers, when all you’re doing is harming actually disabled people by playing Sick Olympics™️ and accusing them of faking when they’re just trying to seek out life saving treatment— which includes seeing multiple providers to dig deeper for a diagnosis, no matter how rare or outlandish you think it is. You don’t get a medal for harassing disabled people, you’re just a piece of shit.

[brf-rumortrackinganon]

Do you think William's reputation will survive? I feel so sorry for him and Catherine, I had to take a break from social media, the affair rumors are everywhere, everyone is now believing he had an affair, foreign media is now talking about him fathering an illegitimate child with Rose, they are even accusing him of domestic violence and people take it all as a fact.

In the long term big picture, William will be fine. A lot of this is going to be just a paragraph or two when he’s Charles’s age and we’re celebrating a jubilee or the birth of George’s child or Louis’s wedding or Charlotte leading the Lionesses to Olympic Gold and World Cup medals.

But in the short term, yes, William’s reputation will take a hit. What he does next will determine how long it takes for his reputation to climb back up. There are three things that he can do:

Prove that everyone is wrong, that his marriage is fine and he does not have anger management issues.

Go away and not be in the news for a few weeks or months till everyone’s forgotten.

Work. Really crank out the engagements, get his numbers up to spitting distance of Edward’s, and maintain them at that baseline from here on out.

#1 requires becoming more public, and we know that’s not going to happen for the Waleses. That’s fine. History will have to judge on that one. But there is some good news on this front - the Chumleys have had enough and they’ve begun taking legal action on the rumors involving them and their children.

#2 is not happening. William can’t just peace out and not work or be seen for 3-4 months. He’s the heir, it’s his job to be seen and to work, especially when Charles can’t do much because of his own health.

Which leaves us with #3 - work. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. William (and Kate) both need to work more. Their numbers both need to go way up once Kate’s current health crisis is over and she’s back to top form. If they’re not going to work more, that’s fine but they need to show us more of the in-progress work that they’re currently doing and not save it all for the bow-on-top end-result. There’s a reason why the photos and videos of The Queen and Charles working through the red boxes are popular and, at times, iconic - because it shows that they’re working. If just every other week we got a photo of William in a meeting or Kate reading the reports that the Early Years Foundation says she’s been reviewing.

However, the issue with William’s work is that it can’t be a one-and-done. What ever changes they make and whatever the new number is after they’ve scaled up, that has to be the new baseline, the new standard. It must be maintained, otherwise it becomes clear that it was just a PR exercise to distract from these scandals.

Something else I’ve been thinking of a bit lately is the Waleses’ engagement numbers, particularly Kate’s and since accession in 2022. There was a lot of talk throughout 2023 of how disappointing it was that the Waleses turned in the same numbers for 2023 as they did while they were Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, at the bottom of the list. There was an idea on the blogs that everyone understood William and Kate to keep a lower profile through the spring so the attention was rightly focused on Charles and the coronation, but then they’ve should’ve scaled up from late summer onwards, after the anniversary of The Queen’s passing to demonstrate their ability to be heirs and show acceptance of their future.

But now I wonder if Kate’s numbers have been affected by her condition. They haven’t said a whole lot, but what I know of bowel/stomach issues is that they’re usually chronic and people can suffer symptoms for a long time before surgery becomes an option. So with that, perhaps Kate’s numbers didn’t change much last year because she was dealing with these issues? And to save face, the palace made the usual “for the children” excuses until it became emergent and the surgery essential. Just something to think about.

[tethered-heartstrings]

genuinely not trying to dunk on molly but when ppl say will and molly were so compatible they loved dogs i just think of molly feeding them canned food from china and not even knowing it could harm the dogs, i feel like this is significant because this was what led to dolarhyde being undetected and her attack which led to her estrangement from will, even her common values w will she did not actually share at all there's a meta here

ngl this is pretty clearly dunking on molly. But let’s refute. I personally haven’t seen many metas/posts about the compatibility between will and molly, so I can’t really contest what they say. However, will and her were as compatible as will led her to believe, as much as he would let. He lied to her about his past, which made it so she couldn’t know all of him and couldn’t connect to parts she couldn’t see. Not a fault of molly’s at all

Having looked back on the script for that episode, no credible veterinarian would ever say “was it canned food from china”. It’s unprofessional and xenophobic. Also, a vet in an emergency situation isn’t going to use scare tactics. They just need to know what went in so they can take care of it. Yes, molly was feeding the dogs canned food because will was out of town so he couldn’t make them food. and I can guarantee will is rational enough to say “hey, these brands are okay” and molly isn’t stupid. And they are very well off, so they would need to buy “cheap dog food from china”. If we want to talk about the dialogue in that scene, we have to admit to ourselves fuller is a misogynist who can’t write women, so ofc he made her say “is it bad to be made in china”. It also neglects how SOME but not ALL food has shown problems, but dog food made in the US has also had toxicity issues! And (I can’t remember if this was in show or just in script) the vet says “pet food safety isn't regulated the same way as human food” which is just false. There is high regulation in pet food, and pet food is made to be human grade and safe for human consumption (and has been for decades). Dogs are more likely to be poisoned by xylitol or chocolate from your candy or get pancreatitis from your table scraps than die from “dog food from china”.

But let’s humor for a second it was the cheap dog food molly bought. The concern and toxic component is melamine, which is added to food to fraudulently increase the protein content. it’s nontoxic (ish) by itself and only becomes a problem when combined with cyanuric acid that forms a crystal and leads to renal toxicosis and failure. Some gi biomes have bacteria that can convert melamine to cyanuric acid, but not all, making it more toxic for these patients. It also wasn’t solely a dog food thing, it happened in human children, too. All that aside, most melamine toxicosis cases are chronic, aka molly would have had to feed the dogs for a while, building up these crystals, and slowly killing the kidneys. This wouldn’t happen suddenly to all the dogs at once. Early signs of toxicosis are very detectable symptoms (vomiting, polyuria, polydipsia, lethargy) and these are signs molly would have noticed and done something about. ALSO if it was melamine the veterinarian was worried about, she wouldn’t use activated charcoal as her treatment (as she states in script, again, don’t remember if this was said in the show). Activated charcoal only works for something currently in the stomach, and that isn’t the pathophysiology for melamine. To treat melamine toxicity, you need iv fluids and supportive care. So what we can take from the veterinarian interaction is 1) fuller doesn’t know how medical professional talk to clients and 2) he doesn’t even understand the toxin he mentioned so it feels xenophobic as fuck to even bring that up.

And no, her canon (fuck you fuller) ignorance to the danger of canned dog food isn’t the cause of dolarhyde being undetected and attacking her. Even if she was feeding them dog food with melamine, Will literally figures out and says that dolarhyde poisons the dogs in the family to get rid of the “alarm system”, so he can attack and not have the family alerted. It didn’t matter what dog food molly fed them, dolarhyde intentionally poisoned them. Even if she fed them food will handmade, dolarhyde would have still poisoned them. And she was a good owner who brought all 7 (probably) puking dogs to the vet as soon as she could. molly had nothing to do with dolarhyde attacking her. dolarhyde had something to do with dolarhyde attacking her (and hannibal ofc). At least give her some credit for, you know, surviving

And no, her getting attacked was not the cause of will estranging himself from her. He never really loved her and used her as a fill in for a man he outright rejected. He was having an emotional affair with Hannibal and not giving a shit about molly. That was nothing molly could control.

And we really can’t thoroughly discuss her values because we barely see her onscreen. Her screentime is a plot motivator, we aren’t privy to who she is as a person. She loves her son, lost her first husband, and loves will. That’s kind of it. Oh, yeah, she also takes her son fishing without Fisherman Husband because he chose to estrange himself.

[greenokapi]

So… what do y’all do when you wanna do a bajillion things but you can’t settle on which thing to do so you just kind of end up doing nothing?

… lissen I’m still only recently diagnosed with adhd so I still don’t know how to work with it… I wanna draw so many things, wanna make merch, comics, I wanna write a fuckton of silly cringe fanfics… I wanna make videos? Like maybe youtube videos rambling abt stuff while drawing but then I don’t know if anyone would even be interested in that, and besides I haven’t done video editing in…. Probably close to 20years? What program should I use? Anyone got any tips on that?

I also wanna make stuff, lil bead things like these guys I made a while ago for example

I also wanna try doll customization cause it’s kinda only been the last decade or so where I’ve allowed myself to like dolls… reasons for that being … uh… gender stuff… it’s like only now in my life, around 30 have I finally gotten somewhat close to getting a grasp on my gender and sexuality, and I never even really realized before that this was something I had a problem with? Which probably makes no sense tbh…

I also wanna do sculpting and even paint, after art school teachers made me feel like I should never paint again bcs idk man I wasn’t up to their standards 🤷

And… I wanna do all this stuff but not only does brain say ‘adhd my guy’ but there’s also my increasing health issues that… I mean I’ve always had them but I guess getting older makes it harder and harder to constantly deal with them… and that’s another thing I never really realized was so bad until back when I was in Japan in 2015-2016 as an exchange student and would have to go to the hospital increasingly often bcs of pain nobody could diagnose… aand then I was shamed for it bcs having to go to the hospital in the middle of the night sometimes was a huge hassle to the dorm staff, idk I was a problem…

Since then I’ve had two operations and will probably need to have more in the future. Also, amusingly, when I finally got diagnosed I was looking at the list of symptoms, all of which I could relate to in at least some way, but the ones that stood out, for some reason, were ‘constant exhaustion’ and then below it was ‘insomnia’ and… maybe I’m not actually lazy when I’m tired all the time? But y’know, I don’t really wanna use a chronic condition as an excuse to just do nothing, plenty of ppl have chronic problems but still do stuff with their life… but when I think like that I also remember this isn’t a ‘pain competition’ or something like that and different people just have different capabilities to deal with chronic pain and such… idk, I honestly think I’m still trying to come to terms with the realization that being exhausted and in pain all the time probably counts as some kind of disability….. but I don’t feel like I’m allowed to say I’m disabled bcs I do also have good days, you know? I should probably try harder to just DO things?

Ahem, it’s like 9AM and I haven’t been able to sleep and stuff hurts… I just wanna go do something productive but instead I’m whining on here which I probably shouldn’t do bcs this is the internet and strangers can see what you post and maybe use it against you but also sometimes you just really wanna rant into the void… or maybe more like semi-void cause idk, maybe someone reads this and can relate or give advice or just talk or something? Buuut you suck at talking… then later you feel embarrassed about your tired rambles and probably end up deleting them and just bring them up in therapy later like you should…

Anyway, until this embarrassment pops up I’m probably gonna try to find some painkillers and go draw or something -3-

[cleo-fox]

The “When Are You Updating?” Ask

I should say up front that this isn’t in response to anything I received. This topic came up in a Discord server that I’m in and another friend of mine got a similar ask shortly after.

I’ve alluded to the fact that this Tumblr isn’t my first account and that I’ve written for other fandoms previously. What I haven’t talked about is why I’m taking an extended hiatus from that fandom or why the majority of my work in this one has been one shots.

Historically, I’ve been a long fic writer. On my other pen name, I posted a long fic that had a fairly decent following in that particular corner of fandom. I’m a slow writer under normal circumstances but when the pandemic hit, I started having more trouble writing and my updates slowed a lot. I worked in a public facing role and the stress I was experiencing was unlike anything I’d ever dealt with before. About a year into the pandemic, I got pregnant.

To sum it up: I was pregnant, which put me at a higher risk for developing complications from Covid. I was working in a public facing role, which increased my risk of catching Covid and had the added factor of people being aggressive about not complying with mask mandates. Because of my pregnancy, I was not able to take critical medications, which then negatively affected my focus and energy levels. I was dealing with other chronic illnesses that were exacerbated or changed by pregnancy, as well as the physical symptoms of pregnancy itself. Then there was also the delivery, which had complications, as well as adjusting to life with a newborn and then going back to work.

I was upfront about all of this. I said that my fics weren’t abandoned, but that I didn’t know when the next update would be because I was dealing with a lot.

I still got asks asking why hadn’t I updated yet.

I knew that these asks came from a good, well-intentioned place. I loved that people were so excited about my writing that they wanted to read more. I loved that they cared so deeply about my characters. I didn’t want to sound ungrateful for their enthusiasm or their support, nor did I want to initiate a pile on with a snarky reply or make someone feel bad for asking a genuine question. I often struggled with how to word my replies, to find a way to be grateful for their enthusiasm while also reiterating that I had a lot on my plate and that I would write more someday, but that I didn’t know when someday was.

It didn’t seem to matter, though. No matter how many times I said the same thing, the asks still kept coming. The worst ones were the ones that scolded me for taking so long because the sender didn’t know how long they would be in this fandom or the ones that included the phrase “I know you had a baby but…” Those hurt. Those made me feel like people saw me as a content creation machine and not like a person.

Eventually, this started to negatively impact my desire to interact with that community, as well as my desire to write that story. When you log in and you know that there’s a good chance your inbox is going to have one of those notes, it’s hard to feel enthusiastic about logging in at all.

So I decided that I needed to take a break. I still check that pen name every so often and I still intend to finish those other fics, but I need some time. This pen name was created out of a desire to give myself the space to write on my own terms, and I’m grateful for all the people here who have let me do that.

And honestly? If you want a writer to update, it is far, far more effective to talk about what you love about their fic. There are so many times when I’ve been pulled out of a writing slump by a comment or reblog where someone talked about what they enjoyed about my fic. That kind of engagement is more motivating than a request for an update could ever be.

There’s that one post going around with the compilation of crazy AO3 author’s notes—the ones that are like “sorry this chapter is a day late, I spent the night in federal prison lmao.” It’s a great post and I love that there are people like that. I admire people who can create art despite their circumstances. But for every writer like that, there’s someone like me who’s going through some shit and doesn’t have the time or energy to write the same way that she does when things are going okay. I wish people would remember that.

TLDR: be kind.

[crippleprophet]

(feel free to not respond to this, hell feel free to be like “please don’t do this again”)

so i’ve had join problems for like 3 1/2 years now and they just got diagnosed like 2 week’s ago, turns out i have runners knee

so i feel bad because 1. it feels lit not as big of a deal as i feel like it is (it is a big deal, it’s impacted my life (thank you therapy))

2. i’m worried that pt and more exercise won’t make it better (i’m on my schools swim team, so 4 practices a week during the season, plus a swim meet on friday)

and 3. i feel like (at least for now) i need more support. my pt doesn’t start until february and i can’t remember the last day i haven’t been in pain or had sensations that are probably due to nerve wackiness. i have used a cane in the past and it has helped me immensely. but i feel bad for wanting something that works for both legs. i’ve literally have had 2 dreams about me having forearm crutches.

i’m just really exhausted, sorry for dumping this all on you rn, i feel like even though i was listened to i still was just told to exercise and loose weight

hey, it’s absolutely no problem & i’m so deeply sorry you’re dealing with this 💕💕

i’m gonna throw like a billion disclaimers on this that, in addition to my usual line about just being Some Guy on the internet, i am definitely responding from a place of trauma here - i don’t know your body & you are the authority on your experiences, i’m just tossing some stuff out there based on my experiences, which might be totally different in other (or underlying physical processes yadda yadda) ways. also like big tw for medical neglect

so. i ran cross country in high school and my joint pain originated in my left knee at age 16, no specific injury or incident, RICE etc barely did anything. xrays and mri showed nothing. tried cortisone shot, euflexxa injections, some sort of topical steroid that was originally used on racehorses, nothing. because i was a runner no one ever considered it could be anything but an orthopedic issue.

i had two exploratory arthroscopic surgeries (which i’ve since learned are as effective as a placebo) with extensive debridement - first dx, plica syndrome, “we have no idea why this was this bad,” cleared to run again after post-op PT, pain came back even worse after ~7 months.

second dx, grade II chondromalacia patellae aka runner’s knee. told never to run again. i knew in post-op PT that something was wrong, this wasn’t the same pain as recovery previously, it felt like the underlying issue was still there. this wasn’t pain of healing, it was making something else worse. my physical therapist didn’t believe me, just kept pushing me, literally told me once that there was no way i was in that much pain. the pattern of swelling, location & sensation of pain, nerve symptoms, etc never made sense to anyone, no matter how many people they called over to poke & prod.

i don’t think i’ll ever know why, especially when he then didn’t fucking do anything with this information, but one day he had me try a lumbar extension stretch. you know the scene in the little mermaid where she’s propping her upper body up with her arms on the rock, waves crashing behind her, triumphant music? it’s basically that pose. it was both the single most excruciating and relieving thing i’ve ever done; even my chronic migraine of 2 years lessened. but we proceeded on a normative linear recovery arc, i got cleared from PT, the pain was better but still there.

flash forward four more years of intensifying pain - first my other knee, then the bottoms of my feet, then more constant and prominent in my lower back, then my upper back & worsening of the neck pain i’d been told and believed was from looking down at books/phone, what i now know as neuropathy increasing all the while - using a cane, then forearm crutches, then a forearm rollator, then a mobility scooter, spending more & more time unable to leave the bed - and i stumbled across an article about ankylosing spondylitis that matched my history fucking eerily, right down to the car crash as a younger teenager. it turns out AS commonly first presents with knee pain, not back pain, in juveniles.

so here’s what i’m gonna tell you: even if it’s “only” chondromalacia, your pain is real and serious and you should listen to your body. and, with again the mega disclaimer that you might be experiencing something totally different, i gently suggest:

read my posts about AS. read my google doc about AS. read anybody’s posts and articles about anything that originates with knee pain, especially if it involves neuropathy.

keep tabs on your body and don’t believe anyone who tells you something is normal until you’ve investigated it for yourself. does your neck hurt? how much? how often? what about your upper spine, between your shoulders? your lower back?

try a lumbar extension stretch, just in case.

if you haven’t been to a rheumatologist before and it’s at all possible for you to do so, do it. if you have a GP and can get a blood workup from them instead, do that. more info on blood testing here - but keep in mind that negative blood work doesn’t rule anything out.

if you can get forearm crutches, one hundred thousand percent do it. make sure they’re sized properly - more info on that here.

do whatever you possibly can to shore up your trust in yourself and your experiences. surround yourself with as many people as possible, in person or online, who believe your pain and make you feel solid in your knowledge of yourself. i’m a big fan of putting up signs with reminders if you can. whether you have chondromalacia, something else, or a combination, your pain is real, it is disabling, and it is in your best interest to develop strategies to cope with the systemic gaslighting that is existing within an ableist society & medical system.

if there is literally anything at all i can do to encourage you, answer questions, etc, please feel free to dm me or send another ask any time. my whole fucking heart goes out to you - you are not the only one who’s been through this, and that is both the horror & deepest relief of chronic pain. so much love to you, may you receive everything you need.

[of-canes-and-manes]

005: Coming Back From Covid

It took nearly three years of the pandemic and two near misses, but I finally caught covid in mid October. I still haven’t figured out how exactly it happened, as I only leave the house for doctor appointments and rehearsals with a local community band. But happened it did, and I’ve been out for the last month while trying to recover.

To be completely honest, I didn’t even notice I had covid at first. I had helped my mom move hay bales from the trailer into the hay loft on a Saturday morning, and paid no mind to the soreness in my body for the two days after that, nor to the difficulty I was having getting around. After all, that had been the first time I had helped with hay in some five odd years, as well as the most physical activity I had attempted since becoming physically disabled. It was entirely within the realm of normal symptoms for me to be physically exhausted, and I even considered helping with hay a success because I wasn’t anywhere near the amount of fatigue I used to experience from significantly less intense activities.

But the following Tuesday, I woke up at three in the morning drenched in sweat. I had spent the whole night tossing and turning, which isn’t unusual on its own, but never before had I woken up to soaked pajamas and bedsheets. As I stripped my bed and changed my sheets, it finally occurred to me that my symptoms were not just my usual post-exertional malaise from helping with hay; as it turns out, night sweats are a symptom of covid, and I tested positive that evening.

And so, that was the first day of what became three weeks of quarantining.

Truthfully, I enjoyed my quarantine, especially that first week before I began feeling symptoms above and beyond my usual chronic fatigue. Despite my best efforts, I had been rapidly approaching burnout territory via trying to do too much, even after I had already pared down my life to better suit my disabilities in August. I was just still stuffing too many activities into every day, vying for a sense of satisfaction I hadn’t felt in weeks, and rather than feeling fulfilled, all I got was misery.

So when I ended up hyperfixating on a new fandom right at the beginning of my quarantine, I finally allowed myself to stop and rest. I spent every waking moment of those first nine days reading fanfiction, and I made it through a million words by the time I started feeling sick. Even once I began feeling symptoms, I continued reading, and I ended up having not only the time of my life, but the break I so desperately needed.

The feeling sick came about a week after I tested positive, and once it did, it really hit me. I woke up sore all over, well above and beyond my usual morning aches and pains, and though I had been congested for a week by that point, finally my nose began to run. As I started going through a box of tissues every other day, my breathing got worse, until I felt like I had been swimming underwater. I stopped being able to brush the horses, and then I wasn’t able to keep up with basic self care, never mind all the housework I try to do.

A week and a half after I first tested positive, I had to go to the ER. It was a Thursday, I was still testing positive, and I felt worse and worse with each passing day. I had tried to get a hold of my primary care doctor, but never heard back. Luckily, the ER sent me home a few hours later with a steroid to help my lungs, but I still received instructions to return if I continued to worsen.

The steroid worked. After a week of that, I finally started feeling better, though the congestion stayed the same despite my best efforts. I was able to schedule a telehealth appointment with my primary care doctor a week after my ER visit, and was sent an antibiotic in the event that I had managed to contract a sinus infection. With the antibiotic in my system, the congestion began to improve, then returned to normal. I was finally, blessedly feeling almost entirely normal again.

It’s now been over a month since I first tested positive; I’m once again negative and no longer actively sick. My breathing is normal and all things considered, I’m back to my pre-covid health. But I’m feeling a fatigue that isn’t anything like the usual chronic fatigue I’ve experienced since 2016, and this fatigue has slowed me down something fierce. I still haven’t been able to get back to brushing the horses regularly, I haven’t ridden in weeks, and I have yet to figure out how I’ll prepare my garden for winter.

I’m hoping that with enough time and rest, I’ll regain the stamina I had pre-covid. In the meantime, I’ve been exploring hobbies and interests that I hadn’t before had the opportunity to, and discovering more of myself along the way. I thought that if my capacity for activity was reduced any more than it had been before covid, I’d lose everything I ever held dear. It is with great pleasure that I can say that that didn’t happen, and I’ve even found that I have no desire to return to the hectic life I had prior to catching covid.

That said, I’m very much so looking forward to the day I can get back on Tim and resume riding! It will come, hopefully sooner rather than later, but whenever it does, I will be ready for it.

May your day be filled with peace and joy

[myhairfeelsnice]

hiii i saw ur post about getting over food poisoning and i just wanted to tell you that i went through a similar experience to what you described and it lasted for months. it was a really isolating and demoralizing experience and it made it hard to do my job and i'm so sorry you're going through that. i hope this advice doesn't sound trite but what the biggest things that helped me was taking a good quality probiotic (i used seed but it's super expensive so once i got better i switched to a cheaper brand) and doing yoga. i also in general tried to pay attention to my bodily sensations (which was hard since i felt so disoriented all the time). i tried to pay attention to what foods made me feel sick, what activities tired me out the most, even the time i woke up and how that affected me. i didn't fully get better until like 6 months later but that's also bc of other health stuff, but after 2 months i did start to feel a lot more 'normal.' i'm not sure if you've already tried these things, and if you have then i'm sorry i can't give more helpful advice. what you're going through is very difficult and it's hard to feel like you're not in control of your body. i hope you start to feel better soon <3

Thank you sweetheart ! It is very comforting to receive this. I’ve had chronic stomach problems for around 5 years now so I assume that that combined with a months worth of antibiotics simply reduced my microbiome and immune system to zilch, leaving me super vulnerable to food poisoning. I’ve taken probiotics for a while now and do yoga every day. I think the most I can do is to manage symptoms but I am still bothering my doctors about this all ! I haven’t much hope but at least my boyfriend does, he’s convinced that I will recover so I’ll just ride along on his hope

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2023 On the way to the cardiologist and very tired. Yeah, there’s nothing like being psychic and having a nightmare of being swept off a rocky cliff and into the ocean below by a giant wave and knowing it means trouble lies ahead. It’s just a matter of waiting to find out what it is. It can’t be the mamo, though, because Galileo hasn’t gotten my results yet. Had anything suspicious shown up, they’d know it by now. Despite my family history, I can’t believe anything is up with my heart.

The honker returned just after midnight on the 29th. I saw the water company turning his water on a couple of days before, so I knew I wasn’t going to make it until November without him. Funny, how it’s returning earlier and earlier each year. In 2021 it was on November 7th. Last year was on Halloween. Now it’s the 29th. I’m guessing it will stay longer as well. Last year it only stayed a day later than the year before but I don’t think it was by choice. I know he wanted to stay longer, but something came up at home.

I learned that Canadians don’t need to apply for citizenship or even have a visa, but they can only stay for 6 months at a time. Sadly, jail taught me just how long half a year really is.

For now, I just hope he doesn’t ride more now that he’s single. Keri even left the park group, so I saw, and he only has one of the dogs from what I can tell. I’m hoping he might not ride more often simply because most of the time he would take off in the truck in the past, it was by himself and he could have taken the motorcycle those times. Hopefully, he’ll give me “permission” to get out of the doghouse soon. Really, really hate having to be put out in my own home so someone else can have fun. At least he goes home for Christmas. The thing is that half of the time he turns the damn thing on, it’s to move it. Despite how common they are here, if you look at all the carports in the park, very few of them have motorcycles. So it’s just my shit luck to get near not one but two of them.

Tom power-washed the car so it looks a lot nicer. Just wish it wasn’t 85 degrees out today. The heat doesn’t help being so exhausted and with my heart a little racy. I just hope that the doctor has my echocardiogram results.

My weight mostly reset itself as it usually does. I can tell my TSH is dropping cause I’m not so cold and my HR is a little higher. Plus, I had a little more energy over the weekend. Today I’m just exhausted due to the nightmare and waking up a lot.

My lower back has been hurting like crazy but I think it’s the mattress and not the Losartan. We’re gonna flip the mattress again soon. Still won’t give me much support either way. My spine doesn’t feel like it’s aligned well on this thing. That’s part of why I want to eventually get a high-end airbed. Something that doesn’t have foam that breaks down over time.

I don’t know how I haven’t heard this story before, since it happened while we were married. Maybe I just don’t remember or didn’t care but Mary (Miss Perfect) had chronic fatigue, which I still think I have if nothing’s up with my heart, and a CPAP doesn’t help if I ever get one. I guess one symptom is regular back pain. She had quite a bit of that and they did X-rays and sent her to a chiropractor, but nothing helped. So then they gave her antidepressants, which is how they treat chronic fatigue and her back pain disappeared.

But did her energy levels ever improve? I asked Tom. He said he doesn’t remember her mentioning that either way. Just that she thought she was tired and her back hurt because of work.

Leaving the cardiologist now. I like her way better than the endo. She’s from here and therefore with an accent I can understand. She spoke loud and clear and enough to inform me of things I needed to know, but not so much that I couldn’t get a word in edgewise.

Her nurse did an EKG which looked great but that was just a 10-second thing.

She was just as disappointed as I was that the echocardiogram results hadn’t been forwarded to her. In this digital age, there’s just no excuse for that. Galileo should have that and my mammogram by now. This is ridiculous, but as usual, it’s going to fall on us to do someone else’s job for them because we’re going to have to call the MRI place and get them ourselves. This is why we made a point of scheduling the visit with her after the echocardiogram, thinking she would have the results then.

Meanwhile, she’s going to have me do a nuclear stress test to look for blockages which will be scheduled soon. Plus, I’m going to be mailed a heart monitor. These days, luckily, it’s just a wireless patch you wear on my chest that is connected to Bluetooth. She said I could sleep on my stomach, shower, and live my life as I normally do while it’s on for a week.

I’ll have a follow-up with her in mid-December, and maybe then I’ll remember to ask her about PAH. I totally forgot. We did discuss my family history, and how I’ve been having a lot of fatigue, and I mentioned the funny palpitations I have at times too. She couldn’t tell me if they mean anything but says they could be harmless extra beats from the bottom of the heart.

I knew there would be more appointments, though. I swear they’re like cockroaches.

Because this morning wouldn’t have been convenient for me to meet with Helen, I canceled and sent her a text letting her know I wanted to discontinue therapy for now but would contact her if I wanted to resume again. I told her that I believe I have enough tools to help get me through the tough times. I didn’t tell her this, but I don’t think she can do much more for me that I can’t do myself. I’m still not even sure anything we did was helpful. I also canceled the appointment online, but she never replied. I have a feeling she’s not too happy about it but oh well.

My mood is always better when I’m on days. Still need to work on finding more to do at night to distract me because that’s when my mood is likely to head south. I still don’t know why. It never used to be like this in the past. Maybe it’s because N24 progresses with age, as it has, and I wish more and more that I could always be on days. I just didn’t mind as much in the past but maybe that’s because I didn’t have as many appointments. I was outdoors more in the past as well. That’s another thing I have to do is make sure I get out when my schedule permits. I don’t miss Phoenix, but I sure miss that big, private backyard with its pool and sitting out on the bench swing. I almost wish cigarettes were free and harmless because that would be a good reason to pace back and forth in the back. There’s no place to sit back there so all I can do is stand with the ants and planes. At least the ants don’t bite as much here. Also, he sprayed them the other day and it seemed to do the trick.

We charged up a bit and now we’re off to BK. I’m so damn hungry, too!

We got treats at Walgreens the other day and Carol, the British cashier, now knows us well since we’ve been there enough times.

Love the two cute little misters I got for those hot flashes. Didn’t realize they needed to be charged, but that’s okay. I’ve got one on each desk. I almost wish I took one out in the car today.

I also love my new olive oil dispenser and pink drawer organizers I got. They really help make better use of the space and allow you to find things easier.

Still have a little burning down there at times, even using Replens, which I think I’m gonna stick with. I still doubt I have any kind of infection, even though I’m going to get cranberry juice just in case and because it’s good for you anyway. I think this is just how I am now so I may as well get used to it.

The latest challenge is out. A Halloween-themed challenge with rides around the various stomping grounds of some horror writers. So they’re mostly in New England, the UK, and Romania.

The fucking car reeks of cigarette smoke now because a couple exited their car nearby with cigarettes as I wait for Tom to pick up our food. When the fuck are they going to ban public smoking?!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2023 I wasn't going to do an entry until after my Monday appointment but I can't sleep. Tom and I were talking about going to the clubhouse on Tuesday to play bicycle bingo. This is basically to get out and do something different.

We were having a discussion earlier about how I've been having the same damn problem for years now where I just can't get excited over anything. I just don't feel I have much to look forward to, even when things aren't necessarily bad. Once you get to be this age, even if you're healthy and happy, things just aren't new and exciting anymore. If I won another cruise to another country, not that I wouldn't appreciate it, it wouldn't hold the same excitement it held for me when I first did in 2006 because I've already experienced it.

Part of me misses my old emotions. Not being the basket case that I used to be at times, but just feeling things instead of being so numb so much of the time. I really think it's a combination of age experience, maturity, and of course, EMDR.

I miss so many aspects of my old life as much as I don't. I miss having crushes on people. I miss feeling the intense relief that comes with skirting a dangerous situation but I don't miss coming close to danger. I miss getting all excited over the prospect of something totally new and imagining how wonderful it could be even if I turned out to be completely wrong.

Well, there is something sort of new and that's that I started studying Romanian on Duolingo. I'm not new to foreign languages but I'm new to Romanian.

I wish those who hate gays and women would stop calling it a religious thing because it’s not about religion any more than rape is about sex. It’s about hate and control. Period. Religion is simply the weapon they use to carry out their hateful deeds. Furthermore, saying that the acceptance of gays will lead to the acceptance of pedophiles is like saying decriminalizing marijuana will lead to decriminalizing murder. Some people are just so fucking ridiculous that I'm truly embarrassed for them.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2023 The fatigue is really kicking my ass. It seems like nearly every day I’m napping. I feel like I’m gonna be so doomed if we can’t figure this out. My biggest fear is still that it’s chronic fatigue, something I can’t even treat let alone cure. Fatigue like this would be a horrible life sentence.

I’m not sure if I would be relieved or horrified if they told me something was wrong with my heart. It would certainly fit with my symptoms and there would be treatment for it but I just don’t see it. That would be too easy. Finding a cause and being able to say hey, that’s it and this is what we can do about it is too easy and nothing is ever that simple for me. If there’s anything up there, yes, it would be cruel enough to inflict me with something this debilitating. The only thing worse that could happen to me would be if I became paralyzed or blind. Dealing with such heavy fatigue so much of the time is nothing I can ever “get used to.” This is simply no way to live because you’re basically too tired to have much of a life.

I’m also worried about my TSH and whether or not we can ever get that under control to stay and whether or not I’m really infected. I took the second diflucan, but I have my doubts as to whether or not I ever had a yeast infection or a UTI despite the WBC in my pee.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2023 My mamo and echo were fast and painless. I was surprised. I knew the echo would be pain-free, but I expected some discomfort with the mamo. Yet the only actual discomfort was the positions I had to stand in. She took four pictures and the boobies were only compressed for about 10 seconds for each pic.

There was actually slightly more discomfort with the echo. I had to lie on my left side and he jelled up the ultrasound stick thingy they use and kind of pressed it a little hard against my breastbone.

We were surprised by how quickly I was in and out. After the mamo, the echo was done just one room over.

When we were done, we went to the Cracker Barrel and the food was pretty good. I got the country-fried shrimp. Of course, the music was too loud but it was actually louder in the bathroom than in the restaurant. Someone could have been puking their guts out in the next stall, and I probably wouldn’t have heard them.

Although I’ve been tired, getting out boosted my mood a bit after spending a couple of days down and anxious. I’m relieved the tests have been done. Like I said, I would be very surprised if anything bad was found. At this point, I think some of my fatigue is on the thyroid, but most is chronic fatigue. It’s a rough life sentence to be facing, but not much I can do about it. There doesn’t seem to be much I can do about whatever’s hell-bent on cursing my sleep either. Last time around it was killer foot cramps, so I’m making a point to drink enough. It took me two fucking hours to get back to sleep. When I woke up, I was tired as I always am when my sleep gets broken up like that. I later napped for about an hour but I’m still tired, as I seem to be most of the time.

Still have occasional burning down there, similar to when I was in California. I’m still not sure if I ever really did have a yeast infection and if I should take the Diflucan or not. Trying the new moisturizer, Gynatrof, and they aren’t kidding when they said in the reviews that it burns at first. If I don’t like it, I’ll stick with Replens since Revaree is too expensive.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2023 I checked out of curiosity, and Rosa won’t be released next year after all. Pretty sure that before it said 2024 but didn’t give a month or a day. Now it says her release date is set for 12/2/2025. She has a lot of infractions against her so maybe that’s why even if most of it seems to be the usual petty shit (disobeying orders, found with contraband). Then she’ll be “ICE’d” to Mexico. Then again, 25 years is pretty typical for second-degree murder.

The question is, did she really do it? Did she really intentionally kill her daughter? Was it an accident? Or could she be totally innocent? The impression I got back then was that she didn’t have it in her to be so cold and calloused. At the same time, I thought it odd that one could be so bubbly after losing their kid, although I know that everyone deals with things differently. She told me that if she spent all her time sad and crying, it would just make her sick.

The last couple of days, I had some blah moments. Hopefully, it was just because I’ve been on nights. Along with worrying that I’m going to struggle with my thyroid medication and now my TSH for the rest of my life, I’m still not sure I ever had a yeast infection. I’m having more burning down there today than I’ve had in a while. So hopefully it’s just a matter of getting the right stuff for dryness down there. That will be arriving today. They said if I still had symptoms to use the second Diflucan they gave me, but I don’t know that the symptoms I feel are because of yeast. They also said that if that didn’t help, go to a GYN, but first I’ll try the new suppositories with the same ingredients as the ones the GYN recommended.

That’s another thing right there… I don’t have a GYN anymore because they’re now out of network. Damn, am I sick of this in-and-out-of-network crap, along with the referral game! I won’t get into how sick I am of appointments. I’ve got two of them tomorrow, and I was going to wait and do my writing then, thinking there would be some waiting time, but needed to get things off my chest now. The mammogram is gonna be at 8:45 and the echocardiogram will be right after that they said, so hopefully there won’t be much waiting time. I’m not looking forward to the appointments, of course, but I am looking forward to getting out.

I just hate not knowing for sure what’s causing what! Not knowing what’s going on for sure or what to do about it is worse than having answers. Like I said, I’m just gonna hope that the new suppositories will help. It’s actually a gel that you shove up there with an applicator.

I read that it’s normal to have some WBC in your urine. It’s how much you have that matters. That can be indicative of a UTI or kidney infection, along with bladder inflammation and even a blockage. But because bacteria wasn’t found, it doesn’t scream UTI like the doctors said. Plus, I don’t have stomach pain nor does it burn when I pee.

I feel like I’m never going to be healthy or have energy ever again.

Reading back in some of my older journals as I continue to proofread and edit out as many errors as I can got me thinking. A part of me misses being more sociable, but all the shit I went through with various people serves as a reminder once again that social isolation is the right thing to do. It may be a little more lonely and boring this way, but it’s definitely safer. Then there’s the fact that even if everyone was perfect, I just don’t feel I need to socialize that much. I do a fine job of entertaining myself and it’s not like I don’t have my husband.

I don’t know why, but so many diarists/journalists are either rude as hell or crazy. So even there, I have to be careful. I haven’t communicated with as many people on MD but there are a lot of rude people on PB and I have absolutely zero tolerance for rudeness. Once you’ve been rude to me, you can pretty much consider me driven away for good. The thing is that those with the types of personalities I’m usually drawn to wouldn’t be very active on social media, especially anything that was writing-based.

My LMN subscription doesn’t expire until next summer, but I’m definitely gonna cancel. Sure, I’ll miss some of the movies but getting 2+ months of holiday movies each year is ridiculous.

Also, this isn’t the '50s. Every parent is married, divorced, or widowed. There are hardly any gay/les characters. Abortion is never an option, and of course the culprit is never black because hey, they’re these perfect little angels, right? The so-called mean girl can only be black if she’s part of a group. Whenever there’s just one bully, they’re always white. I get that they’re pro-black like most people these days, but be a little more realistic!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2023 Exchanged several messages with my docs throughout the night and it appears I have a yeast infection so they called in Diflucan. I should have listened to Tom who thought it wasn’t a good idea to get the suppositories that didn’t have the same ingredients as the ones the GYN recommended. The ones they recommended are too expensive but we should be able to find cheaper ones with similar ingredients.

I also agreed to jump to all 88s every day and will pick up the 100s that were called in just in case they’re needed in the future. The biggest mystery of all remains why my TSH is going wacky. My biggest fear is it crashing down too low. I mean like really low. Even they agreed that it’s pretty unusual for a TSH to jump as much as it has as quickly as it did. Before that, it dropped quite a bit quickly as well. So I worry about getting it under 10 at say a 7 or so and then it dropping 10 points. Nonetheless, we agreed to take it slow in the meantime as they know that I’m sensitive to the medication.

I learned that if you have a UTI bacteria usually show up in your urine but since it was just WBC they suspected a yeast infection. I have been having more burning and itching too. As I said, it’s the bipolar TSH that’s a concern right now.

As I said in my last entry, sometimes I just want to have a good cry but the tears just don’t come. It’s sort of like having emotional constipation, lol. I guess it’s just that I’m used to having regular health issues. It’s kind of like rejection. It hurts at first, maybe even angers you. But after so many years you’re like, “Oh well. People come and go in our lives.”

Looks like I was right to be worried that the bad dreams I had about myself were signs warning me of upcoming trouble. This is far from the first time that’s happened too. I knew they had to mean something. I swear I’m a doom psychic. Whenever bad things are going on, my dreams tell me.

Despite the frustrating and strange jump in TSH levels, I’m amazed I haven’t had anxiety along with it. At least not yet.

I just want my health back!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2023 I am absolutely shocked, frustrated, and disappointed as hell! Why can’t I cry when I want to? Is it age/experience? EMDR? I want to scream, cry, and beat my head in the wall but I can’t. Instead, even though my mind is racing, I’m numb.

My T4 is 1.1 and my TSH is soaring at 22 and I have no idea why. All that’s good is my kidney function, blood sugar, and electrolytes. They found white blood cells in my urine but no bacteria. Again, I am completely mystified as to what the fuck is going on. Why can’t I have straightforward problems like my blood pressure?! Why do I have to have these complex and never-ending issues? It’s like the harder I try to get my thyroid under control, the more of a dream it becomes. If it weren’t for Tom I would’ve ended it years ago. Seriously, I’m 100% convinced it’s just a dream. The problem is that it’s no longer simply a dream to be able to handle the normal range. Now I can’t even get close to it and stay close. I just don’t understand what’s causing this erratic bouncing up and down. How can dropping one of the 88s a week bump my TSH up 14 points in just a few weeks???

It annoyed me how my doctors asked me how I felt about a small dose increase and then took it upon themselves to call in 100s with labs in 6 weeks that they expect me to take every day before I could reply. I told them they should know I can’t rapidly adjust my dose like most people can. Sure, I’ll increase the dose but no more than going to all 88s every other week with a 75 thrown in every other week, and then all 88s, and then adding one 100 a week for 6 weeks as needed.

He and I are wondering if I might have some kind of infection or inflammation going on that’s causing the TSH to be erratic. He read that stress can do that as well, but I’ve been stressed out all my life. I hope I haven’t developed a pituitary disorder! I told them I have been having warm spells along with cold spells, but haven’t had a fever.

I’m really surprised because I just haven’t felt that hypo lately except for fatigue and some cold spells. I’ve lost 4 lbs, something that’s been unheard of for me with an elevated TSH.

Because my current insurance plan is too expensive and because I didn’t like the last endo, and others in-network are too far away, we’re going to be changing plans which should include endos closer to home. Maybe we should have just settled in Tampa.

Why can’t I just be healthy?! Or dead.

I’m exhausted and fed up so I’ll write more later as I learn more.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2023 I had time to mull it over in my mind and I decided I’m gonna keep Blogger public but might schedule some private things for 20 years or so in the future.

I get that not everyone likes or agrees with everything I say, but I’m within my legal rights and not obligated to babysit people’s feelings. A journal is supposed to be an uncensored version of one’s thoughts and experiences. An audience is simply an afterthought, not that I’m not flattered that some people find my life that interesting as I drop a written copy of it on the world. I’m just not a people pleaser is what I’m saying. No one can please everybody all the time anyway, and no one has to read my stuff either. All readers, including the ones I told to buzz off, are welcome to stop by anytime because they’re not doing anything wrong by simply peeking in.

I do not, however, have any tolerance whatsoever for those who are sweet and kind one minute and defensive and snobby the next. I can’t deal with the overly sensitive and dramatic. If you don’t want anybody to say or write things about you in the future that you may not like, then don’t give them a reason to! :-) Just saying.

Went to the lab before sunup this morning. I keep going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not my TSH is going to be under 10. I have plenty of confidence that my kidney test is going to be okay but I’m not sure on the TSH. Again, I started my day off warm and with my HR a little elevated. But then it slowed down and I cooled down. So I do have signs that it’s not that high, but if it was that low, I would be anxious.

I slept better but woke up too soon, so I ended up napping shortly after I got up. I guess whatever is cursing my sleep decided I was sleeping too well and therefore it ought to cut my sleep short. I’m not too tired now, so I think I’ll catch up on some things I was too tired to do last night. Like playing the new Halloween-themed golf course that just came out, Widows Walkabout.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2023 Since starting Losartan on the 10th I've been fine except that last night I was very lightheaded for a few hours. I do sometimes get this anyway but usually eating makes me feel better yet I was still light-headed. I checked my BP and it wasn’t too low. I can't say for sure if it's connected to the medication but if it is, is this a dangerous side effect? I asked my doctors what they recommended I do and they said give it a little more time.

I agree because again, I don't know that there was a connection for sure, and for the first time in my life, there might actually be a good side effect! My weight is going down. Tom never lost weight on it but I read around a bit and I did find that some people do lose weight on it. It has something to do with breaking down cholesterol deposits in the bloodstream or something to that effect.

I didn't sleep as bad as the day before but I didn't sleep great either. I didn't have to get up and pee but I still woke up four or five times. I had another bad dream too even if it wasn't as bad as the current in the pond.

A gap suddenly appeared in my two front teeth that was wide enough to slip a fingernail in. When I did that I could feel a tooth coming down in back between the teeth. I ran into the first dentist I had in Cali somewhere and she said she'd like me to come in after quickly inspecting my teeth. I already had another appointment scheduled with the second Cali dentist I had but I was in her office anyway a split second later and she was examining the impacted tooth more closely. Scheduled my RL dental cleaning for mid-November.

I just hope that and the pond dream aren't signs that something is about to go wrong. Despite my family history, I just don't see the mammogram or the echo turning up anything bad. Hopefully, it's not that the BP med is going to backfire on me but there are always other things to try if it does.

I do want to lose weight but am a little scared to because body weight affects both Levothyroxine and BP meds. That's another thing I don't really see happening but as Tom pointed out, I probably won't lose more than a few pounds because bodies get used to medication. When I took Claritin-D in Oregon I first lost 10 lbs because it suppressed my appetite but eventually, it stopped doing that. The first time I tried oolong tea I lost 10 lbs and it too stopped having that effect on me.

120 lbs would be ideal, 110 lbs would be very ideal, but I would settle for 140 lbs. Right now I'm down from 165 to 162 so it isn't much. Even he's gone down 5 lbs. Makes me wonder if maybe the scale is a bit off all of a sudden with us both losing weight at the same time. I doubt it's my TSH coming down because I would be anxious and have other symptoms as well if it was low enough to affect my weight because that's how it always works for me. My TSH is likely to be above 10 but I should find out soon enough because I'm going to the lab later in the morning. I also have to provide a urine sample because they're gonna test my kidney function to see if it's filtering the Losartan properly.

This rat is so funny. We got her some yogurt treats that had a lot of good reviews on Amazon. You only give them a few a day. Well, she just loves them! She knows that after she's been out for a while she gets a treat when she goes home. There have been a few times when she'll step out of her cage and then turn around and go right back home so she can get a treat, the smart little shit, haha. Now that it's getting a little chilly at night she also loves burrowing in my nice soft robe.

I worked on this entry on and off for several hours and no lightheadedness which is great but I feel nauseous after eating some nuts.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2023 "I don't want to party like it's 1999. I want to go grocery shopping like it's 1999."

Andy shared a meme saying this and I totally agree! I'll settle for going grocery shopping like it's 2020. Food prices are astronomical! Even most of the cheap stuff isn't so cheap anymore.

Another shitty sleep. The mower didn't wake me up but I kept waking up and having a hard time falling back asleep. It was ridiculous. It was like I just couldn't get comfortable.

Tom trimmed the tree at the corner of the house that I wish he’d gotten rid of when he had someone come out and cut it back. It really was quite a workout for him.

He donated blood today at the clubhouse which I wanted to do and was bummed that I had to sleep through but he said it was a good thing I wasn't there. He said it not only took forever but they had trouble getting a vein which is unusual for him. In that case, they’d never get mine. They also have to take your blood pressure with the arm cuff I hate and it would have taken me forever to go through my medical history and all the medications I've taken in which case they would likely not have wanted to take my blood. They took a pound of blood from him and he got a t-shirt and a $20 gift certificate for it. So I guess it worked out for the better because it doesn't sound like it would be very much fun. I have enough medical shit to deal with.

My dentist sent reminders to get my teeth cleaned which is due November 6th, and I'll schedule that after the appointments that I have at the end of this month are out of the way. They can get me in relatively quickly so I want to wait until I have a little less going on.

It would just be nice to get some decent sleep more than just occasionally but I've lost hope of that ever happening. I could sleep on the most comfortable bed in the world and in a sensory deprivation tank and still sleep shitty with my luck. I'm definitely snoring more than ever and I think I really do need a CPAP. Some of the times I woke up I felt short of breath. It was like I just couldn't suck in a full lungful of air.

Also after getting the end-of-the-month appointments out of the way, I want to ask Galileo if there's any way they could help me lose weight, especially with the new drugs available but I think Tom's right when he says they’ll likely tell me I'm not heavy enough. First I had him measure my height to see if I'm closer to 4 ft 10 in or 4 ft 11 in because I'm never sure which one it is and which one to choose when asked. The answer is the latter. At 163 lb and this height, my BMI is 32.9. They usually won't help you unless you're 40 or higher. I'm not diabetic and I don't have PCOS or anything like that so they likely wouldn't give me any drugs for weight loss.

Going to the lab on Thursday morning. I expect my kidneys will show that they're handling the Losartan well but I don't expect my thyroid to be good at all. After seeing how shitty my numbers are, I would be willing to drop one of the 75s to every other week but I don't want to jump to all 88s that fast. I just hope it's not crazy high again! I hope that it was just a case of my body learning to absorb thyroid meds without a gallbladder and not something that's going to keep happening all the time.

I finally got all my '90s journals done and now I'm working on the ‘00s. I got them as correct as I'm ever going to get them. I realize I can't get every single word correct and every single sentence grammatically correct but I did my best and replaced the old copies with them. It should go a little faster until the ‘10s. From there on out I started writing like crazy so there will be more to go through.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2023 Whoa, Losartan works! BP’s 118/77!

Mia and I are on level 250 but I’m gonna be taking a break from her soon because she was mostly just a fun fashion game. To each their own but I never felt the need to chat to a nonsentinent AI bot. Perhaps if I could play make-believe in the way I could as a child, I would. But I just can’t make it seem “real.” Reality is reality and pretend is pretend.

Yesterday was Mary’s birthday. The one from jail. Every time this time of year comes around I can’t help but remember her, even though I’m sure she would be completely clueless if asked when my own birthday was. Nonetheless, even though she used the hell out of me, there was still some good to our friendship. She helped me with my writing in ways no one else ever has. It just would have been nice if she’d asked before assuming and accusing me of what she did just as it would have been with Lisa. Our friendship didn’t have to end. But I’m not gonna make the mistake I’ve made with too many others by seeking her out anymore than I would take her back into my life if she sought me out, not that she ever would. I’m sure she never gives me a moment’s thought.

Each time I get woken up, I get a little surer that something really is cursing my sleep. I just don’t know why. Tomorrow, it will likely be the mower. Today, it was a nightmare.

I passed a couple of ladies who approached a woman to discuss something about credit cards. I knew it was a scam and so did the woman they stopped. Not wanting to be pestered next, I pedaled away on my bike which could be ridden on land or water. I decided to cut across a small pond that was a few hundred feet in diameter. The water brushed against my sandaled feet and felt warm. I got about 50 feet from the embankment when a current I didn’t know was there started pulling me faster through the water. Not knowing where I was going to end up, I tried to turn around but the current was too strong. It was then that I woke up, having my sleep shorted by an hour or two. After laying there for an hour unable to get back to sleep, I got up for a short while and then I napped.

I really wish something would stop fucking with my sleep and energy levels. I just don’t get why it’s so damn important to it, whatever “it” is, but it’s getting obvious that this can’t be a coincidence. Things like this just don’t happen this often. Once in a while is a coincidence, regularly is a pattern.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2023 “I’m never going to have another friend like Aly,” I said to Tom the other day.

“That’s what you said about having a rat like Tinkerbell.”

He’s got a point there. This rat is even better and Tinkerbell was truly awesome. I’d love to have a close friend I was in touch with daily or close enough to it that was intelligent, honest, and with it. We don’t have to have every single thing in common but it would be nice to have some basic common ground. She wouldn’t have to be 100% with it either. It’s okay to be a little crazy because hey, we’re all a little crazy at times. I think it’s how a person is crazy and the frequency of it that matters. Hell, I just walked into the bedroom door! That’s a little crazy, lol. I forgot to open it after Tinkerbella went home and then I cut the kitchen light before walking into the bedroom to relax in bed and do this entry on my phone. In the dark, I didn’t see the door so I walked right into it.

Yesterday was a great day because I had an unusual amount of energy. I was so productive, too. I knew it was a rare treat and to take advantage of it. Today I’m back to being me. Tired ole me. Who knows how long it will be before I have that degree of energy again? It was great while it lasted. I felt traces of my old self and it really boosted my mood too. I’m not in a bad mood now but the better I feel physically, the better I tend to feel emotionally. I think that’s the general rule for most people. Today I’m tired as usual but this is me as I’ve known it for nearly a decade. I admit that I slept shitty because I woke up a lot. I also wasn’t very comfortable so we added a layer of foam and I think this might work out.

The weather was gorgeous today so I took advantage of the stiff breeze and opened a few windows to air the place out since it’s been closed up for months.

Andy’s being annoying again. He didn’t accuse me of lying but his words implied that I was. I don’t know where this came from but out of the blue, after we started a discussion about the war in Israel, he said he couldn’t help but think that I would wish both the Israelis and Palestinians dead if I wasn’t Jewish, which of course is ridiculous. I don’t wish the Ukrainians dead and I’m not Ukrainian. It’s all about what I see going on and a matter of right versus wrong, not who or what I am.

He said it was just his opinion. I told him his opinion was wrong.

“Okay,” he replied. Yeah, whatever. I used to think that if you’ve known a person long enough then you would know them better but apparently, that’s not always the case. After all, my own mother didn’t know me as well as she should have and probably thought she did. While it’s the thought that counts, what mother sends her child citrus-flavored snacks and doesn’t know that child hates citrus?

So I still have mixed emotions about being connected to him and sometimes I just want to ghost. At the same time, I don’t want to hurt his feelings. This is why I try not to have too much contact with him, though. As soon as I feel like I’m being judged or basically called a liar over the most mundane of things that I have absolutely no need to kid him about, I’m gone. If a friend can’t take another friend for face value then what kind of a friendship can you really have? I thought about just going along with whatever he thinks I’m thinking, wanting, or feeling but then I would be a liar for real.

I also think he still projects too much of himself onto others. He likes it when others have things in common with him yet at the same time he boasts about how proud he is to be unique.

I read an article on what defines a toxic friend and I swear he ticked off just about every single box. If I ever do feel he’s toxic enough to consider my feelings before his and cut ties with him, I’m not even going to bother giving him an explanation as to why since I know he wouldn’t get it. I would just ghost. The question is whether or not I should block him on Facebook along with his phone number. He’ll know he’s been dumped if I do that so a part of me was wondering if I should go quiet and leave it at that. I just wouldn’t want him thinking I was dead or anything like that.

Tom’s going to give blood on Tuesday at the clubhouse. They’re going to pay him for it. I would love to donate as well, but as usual, when there’s something I want to do, I’ll have to sleep. I’m now getting up in the early afternoons and they’ll only be here from 10 AM - 1 PM.

I think I know why my weight has been inching up and it’s not necessarily connected to my thyroid. I think it’s the cholecystectomy. This does happen to some people and of course, I have to be one of them. I wonder how much more I’m going to put on. I just can’t get weight off no matter what I do. Once I get the echo and mammogram out of the way, I might have to make a case with Galileo but I think this is simply the way I am and the way I’m meant to be for the rest of my life. The only question is how high up the ladder I’m going to climb.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2023 In the heat of the moment, we all say mean things when we’re pissed off. Ex: I hate autistics, I hate this person, I hate that group, etc. While there are definitely some people and groups I loathe for what I believe are justifiable reasons, I don’t literally “hate” most people. I just hate their behavior at times. I hate the grief and frustrations they give me. Especially when I know damn well I didn’t do anything to deserve it. I just wanted to make that much clear. If I ever do read anything that certain people may write in the future, I will definitely keep my mouth shut. I don’t want any trouble any more than they do. Admitting you have a problem is half of the battle. The other half is actually doing something about it.

Galileo told me the Pitavastatin is now covered by my insurance and wanted to know if I wanted to wait until after my meeting with the cardiologist to decide whether or not to take it and I said yes, I want to wait. The only thing I’d worry about when it came to the statin or any other drug I may be on in the future is whether or not I could be taking it for a while and then the insurance stops approving it.

Tom just said that rarely happens, and that usually when an insurance company won’t pay for a medication, it’s because it’s relatively new. Once it’s been out there for some time, insurance companies start covering it and don’t usually stop. Either way, I doubt I’ll ever take cholesterol medication of any kind.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2023 Today’s been a little better than yesterday. Started off pretty tired but perked up later on. I made sure not to nap today so I can see if I have trouble falling asleep again tonight.

Had another “shower beat-a-thon.” I awoke really warm and then I showered. I was not only still warm after that but my heart raced up to about 116. I ended up getting a couple of zone minutes because of it. Still don’t get why I’m having warm spells, and again with the HR spike. I again started to think my TSH was getting too low but that’s not what the scale says. Plus, I wasn’t anxious. Luckily, whatever it was didn’t last long. I’d have to guess hormones at this point.

I’m glad I’ll be going to a cardiologist soon and getting some answers once and for all but I still can’t believe anything is wrong with my heart. I don’t know why but I just can’t see it. I don’t know if it’s because it’s hard to believe or what but I would be surprised despite my family history if they said there was a problem.

Then there’s the part of me that kind of wishes they would find a problem and tell me it’s why I’ve been experiencing so much fatigue. The other part, of course, doesn’t want any more problems. Same goes for when it comes to the mamo.

My greatest fear right now is that we will never be able to figure out what it is, or that we will figure it out but there will be no treatment for it, or that the only treatment available will be something that I am unable to handle.

Nothing from Kim and I don’t miss her one bit. I’m still not sure if something is going on with her or if I got dumped but I’m guessing I’m a latter. As I said, if I knew it would be that easy I would have said the wrong thing a long time ago. So she’s done me a favor right along with Molly and others that have pissed me off one too many times and that have stamped out any lingering question as to whether or not I should wish them a happy New Year in a couple of months, for example, comment on their stuff, or wish them a happy birthday in just over a few months.

I give people way too many chances and I’ve got to stop doing that and constantly walking on eggshells around certain people and never knowing if the most innocent of statements or questions are going to get them in a frenzy. I’ve had people go ballistic on me as if I asked them to kill themselves or their loved ones. As I’ve learned the hard way, if I see a red flag once I’m certainly going to see it again and again and again. The number of times is only a matter of how dumb I am to stick around. So…eliminating the crazies and one-sided friendships are definitely things to crack down on! I sure as hell Miss Aly, though! She could be a bit moody and dishonest at times but she wasn’t crazy.

No side effects yet from the Losartan. At least I don’t think there is. I do notice maybe a slight bit of fatigue but it’s hard to really say for sure because I have so much of that anyway. Same with trouble crashing. I also noticed muscle tightening or weakness in the hip area for a few hours after taking it almost as if I exercised my hips and butt muscles really hard. It’s not prominent enough to make a sure connection, though.

Sounds like Friday night out there since that’s the second fucking helicopter in less than an hour. And OMG, the fucking motorcycles on 19! It’s almost like the freeway at the old place.

Tom put up half a dozen of those little baskets on the inner bathroom closet wall. They hold my nail polish perfectly.

I noticed something interesting when I checked the honker’s profile to see if I could get a sense of when he was coming down. Seeing nothing new on his wall, I jumped over to the girlfriend’s profile but they’re not friends anymore.

Hmm… should I be worried? I just wonder if his coming down alone will entice him to ride that damn motorcycle more.

The fucking T-heads are wreaking havoc all around the world and no, I don’t give a shit who I offend in saying so. No one has to read my stuff. You don’t like it, then get out of here! Really, it’s like no matter how many atrocities these people commit, you’re still “racist” if you have anything negative to say about them. Well fine, I’ll be whatever label you want to put on me for it but it doesn’t change the facts. I’m sickened by the countless acts of violence committed by these fuckers and I’m almost as sickened by all the support they’re getting as well. All over the fucking world there are pro-Palestinian rallies showing support for these terrorists who started the whole thing. Hell, even fucking Harvard students are pro-terrorists. I guess you don’t have to be a genius after all to get into Harvard.

Andy vented in a voicemail to me about his frustration with this situation because he thinks it’s “safer” than Facebook and no one can punish him for leaving a voicemail.

He does realize that any account and device can be monitored, right? It’s just that the difference between him and me is that I’m not going to allow my expression to be stifled, especially when I’m not making any direct threats to anyone. If you spy or read someone’s journal, you might just hear something you can’t handle and I refuse to be responsible for that. If I’ve got something to say, I’m saying it. Yes, I am picky about what I say on what platforms for the sake of those I’m close to but what goes on in my journal, public or not, is a whole different story.

He and I recently learned that Israel supplied the power for the Gaza Strip. How fucking dumb can you be to go and send a shitload of rockets to the very people who supply your electricity and other things? Isn’t that like biting the hand that feeds you? I am completely baffled as to how people could possibly be so damn stupid. I’m almost as embarrassed for these people as I am sickened by them. How could they not have expected consequences for their actions? It’s like they wanted this to happen.

I’m glad Israel has finally realized that there’s just no reasoning with these sick twists and that the only way to save themselves in the end is to eradicate these terrorists and that’s what they’ve sworn to do. It’s about fucking time! I know they didn’t want to come off as bad as Hitler and his people but sometimes you really do need to fight back when you’re attacked. My only concern is that the thousands of survivors that flee the strip will end up over here. It would be just like Biden to use our money to bring them here so they can carry on with their acts of violence. I just don’t get how they can have so many supporters when it’s so obvious who the perpetrators are. I am completely baffled by that one. Just totally and utterly mystified. Americans and many other countries hated the T-heads responsible for 9/11 but if it’s Jews getting terrorized it’s okay? How fucked up is that?!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2023 Still having fatigue and still not sure how much could be attributed to the flu shot, my new BP med, sleep apnea, chronic fatigue, or whatever. Sometimes I wonder if I could have caught COVID and have fatigue from that. Or maybe the COVID vaccine or booster gave it to me. Hard to believe it would last this long if that was the case, though.

My docs checked in with me and asked how I was doing and if I was experiencing any side effects. I told them I didn’t think so but have had trouble falling asleep for the first two nights. I have that problem a lot anyway. Having to nap because of all the fatigue doesn’t help either. This can cause me to stay up a little later even if I’m still tired.

Another thing that’s been frustrating me is that I’ve been going from hot to cold a lot lately. This began before the flu shot. As I told my docs when they asked how I’ve been feeling under my thyroid case, I told them I may have jumped the gun in assuming I was taking too much Levo, especially since I didn’t have the anxiety, rapid heartbeat, and weight loss that usually go with that. We’ll find out in a couple of weeks. I didn’t have night sweats as bad last night, but the night before I sure did. When I asked the bot what could cause this, it came up with 16 different possibilities, some of which don’t apply to me since I’m obviously not getting cycles. Menopause was listed, but I would think that this late in the game, they would have tapered off and not gotten worse.

13% of the way into my trip, I made it to Roma, Texas. I didn’t get to experience the fun of crossing the border, though, so they must have legal issues with images pertaining to that. It just jumped me from right before the border to right over it. I’ll probably be at 30% when I get past Texas. I rode for 400 miles in Mexico, and I’m going to be riding for 500 miles through Texas. I’ll be spending the most time in this state of all the states on my route. I now have just under 2500 miles to go!

Read that a fetus is about the size of a grape when most abortions occur. Do the pro-lifers really think a grape knows what’s going on?

I was discussing the Hamas’ attack on Israel, and both Tom and Andy said that Israel doesn’t want to obliterate the Palestinians even though Andy and I believe they should because they know what it’s like to be targeted for death themselves. Yeah, but they were being targeted simply for being who they are and not because they’re violent and provoked the attack. I honestly think the only way Israel is ever going to escape the attacks from these sick fuckers is to eradicate them altogether.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2023 We got our flu shots yesterday and we’re feeling the effects of it. He also got the pneumonia shot which you only get once that I got back in 1999. It’s changed since then so his is probably better. My arm got sore right away but it isn’t sore today. I’m just tired and have a low-grade fever, though it’s hard to tell how much fatigue is what I have most of the time anyway. I’m in a very lazy mood and we both agreed not to do any work and just relax and do fun things.

We golfed and later I plan to hit the US border. I’m about to reach the god-awful state of Texas where guns have more rights than women. I’m about 12% through the trip with 2530 more miles to go. My rank is in the 140s.

Anyway, he’s tired as well with a slight fever and also achy. I’m not achy. I even managed to go out for a quick walk earlier. It’s pretty humid out today. We’re supposed to get rained on but most of the time they say that we don’t.

Still radio silence from Kim. This is one of those times I really miss having Aly around because she would probably have a better sense of what was going on. Telling Kim what she wouldn’t want to hear tells me I’ve been ghosted but then I would think she’d at least be a little curious about what I was saying in my emails to her even if she planned never to reply. Or maybe not because she knows it’s not in public where others can see it. Only time will tell if it’s that or she got in trouble and had her phone taken away but I’m going to enjoy the break from her whether it’s temporary or permanent.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2023 Took my first dose of Losartan. They’re starting me at 50 mg. It says on the bottle that it may make me dizzy, but I hope not. We also learned that it can take three to six weeks to take effect. They’re going to send me to the lab in a couple of weeks to make sure it’s not fucking up my kidneys and they threw in a thyroid test at the same time. I have a feeling my TSH is going to be worse, but if it is I could try throwing in a 75 every other week instead of every week.

I will not be taking the Pitavastatin because it’s not covered under my insurance. I asked my docs why they would recommend something that wasn’t covered and they said they can’t always know what’s covered and what’s not until the pharmaceutical companies tell them because the “preferred” list changes regularly. That’s okay. I’m not eager to treat my cholesterol since I’d likely have side effects again and all not treating it could do is kill me (I know that sounds funny, but if I’m dead I can’t suffer symptoms). High blood pressure, however, could cause me to end up on dialysis and that would be worse than death. Especially if you have N24.

Installed a Gmail tracker because I wanted to see if Kim was accessing my messages. The free version lets you track five emails a month. I sent a message and it wasn’t opened. The fact that it wasn’t doesn’t mean she’s not ignoring them or hasn’t marked them as spam since she’s not one who can handle hearing what she doesn’t want to hear, but more than likely they’re not being picked up because something’s wrong or she got in trouble with the latter being the most likely. I hate to say it, but I still hope I’ve been dumped because I’m just tired of mental cases. I should know eventually because if she got in trouble she’d find a way to reach out to me somewhere, somehow, later on. If I never hear from her, then yeah, she couldn’t handle the truth and she ghosted me.

Moving forward…if you’re not at least relatively sane, smart, and honest, I don’t want anything to do with you.

Nothing going on in back and I never heard from the AC people, so I guess they were just mowing and clearing brush now that storm season is over. Could get some rain tomorrow and the next day, though. There’s an 80% chance tomorrow and a 97% chance on Thursday.

Since it’s gonna be a while before we can get a new mattress, we’re gonna flip this one and see if that reverses the dent that’s forming where I lay. The thing is, I lay in a very concentrated area because of the body pillow. I can’t just roll over from my stomach onto my side, or something like that because I would be where the body pillow is. So with my weight consistently in the very same spot, an indentation formed in the barely two years I’ve had this cheap mattress.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2023 That tractor was real after all, but it’s not a tractor. Something was back there for hours yesterday clearing brush. My first thought was to worry they were gearing up to build something back there. But the more I learned about the land itself, the more I realized they can’t get as close as I thought if they did want to build anything. First, the land is a narrower strip than I thought it was after studying it closely on the satellite map. Secondly, the land does dip down right behind the fence in back like Tom insisted. He went out with his VR cam, raised it up on a stick so he could see over the vegetation, and you could clearly see that there’s about a 10-foot drop, and then straight across is a hill as the land goes back upward and then flattens out. The part that’s level directly behind us wouldn’t be wide enough to build anything significant. The land is flat directly behind the fence opposite ours which is where they were going. They were riding up and down a little dirt road that runs directly behind their fence, toward the back, and then back up toward the front by the main road.

It could have been that one of the houses in back was having a fence replaced or something. We heard a wood chipper too, so they were definitely clearing brush from somewhere. I wonder if they’re working around the perimeter. If that’s the case, I hope they get to us before I’m sleeping in. I can see why they’d be tempted to let it go as long as they have due to the incline. I think the last time they cut trees right back there was before we moved in. Toni mentioned it stirring up mice.

I was a little surprised they were working on a Sunday. It will be interesting to see if they work today since it’s a holiday. I emailed the AC company to see what they say. They could still build a small warehouse that could still be too close for comfort. I messaged Toni too, not knowing she was in rehab. She’ll be home today, though. She had follow-up surgery on her hip.

As I knew they would sooner or later, my docs mentioned wanting me to try another statin as well as go on blood pressure medication. They recommended Pitavastatin which I have never heard of, but I still say I’ll have problems. Most likely foot cramps. I made it clear to them that this is the absolute last-ditch effort I’m going to make when it comes to this. If it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be.

The BP is actually a little more important to me because from what I read, you’re more likely to have kidney damage from high BP than to die of a heart attack or a stroke from high cholesterol. If I suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack or a stroke, that would be one thing because I wouldn’t have to live with the consequences. But I don’t want my kidneys damaged and to have to go in for dialysis regularly, N24 or not.

Another reason I want to give this a try is because even though I still think most of my fatigue comes down to sleep apnea and or chronic fatigue, high blood pressure can cause fatigue. So can some of the medications, though, like beta blockers. So I told them I don’t want to take a beta blocker for it. I took one once that Doc O recommended for anxiety about 7 years ago and it knocked me out and made me cold. I told them I also didn’t want to try Lisinopril because of the way Tom was on it and coughed a lot. I’m hoping they’ll give me Losartan.

I’ll try it and hope for the best but worst-case scenario, it doesn’t work out and I don’t take meds. Nothing can keep me alive forever anyway.

Unless something’s going on that I don’t know about, it looks like I may have actually been dumped by Kim for daring to agree with her sister as far as her obsessive ways go. I mean, she dumped me once for calling her out on the anonymous Ask account she once had that she hit Aly and I with nasty “questions”. The only difference is that she can’t stalk me this time. Nor will she be able to if she ever makes it back online. When she harassed me many years ago, it was harder to block people on some sites.

This is definitely someone who can’t admit and accept responsibility for anything and can’t handle constructive criticism of any kind whatsoever. If I’d known that agreeing with others who have also noticed how she gets obsessed with one person after another was all it took to get this nut job out of my life without ghosting her and feeling guilty for it, I would have called her on her shit a long time ago. I won’t miss her long rambling repetitious messages. Keeping up with her had become a chore but I was too nice to cut ties. So thank you, Kim, for doing me this favor. Meanwhile, no more mental cases! There never would have been a Molly or a Kim if it hadn’t been for Aly. That was one of Aly’s faults was that she was drawn to the crazies of the world. They latched on to me through her.

Here we go with the runs again. Been having them once or twice a week and I still have no idea what’s causing them. I haven’t taken any supplements or pain relievers for a couple of days, so I guess it’s just life without a gallbladder. At least it’s not every day like that woman said was the case with her.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2023 So the Hamas have attacked Israel yet again. I guess some people never learn or change. The next time Muslims can’t figure out for the life of them why there are still some people who aren’t too fond of them, maybe they’ll remember this along with the many other atrocities they commit.

They beefed up security in the US to protect synagogues because this is only going to fuel the hate for Jews all over the world even more. I used to think blacks and Mexicans were the worst. Make that blacks and Muslims! And no, I don’t give a shit who I offend. I have a right to express my opinion the same as anyone else.

The pollen count is high today so I’m not going to go out walking, since my lungs have been tight. We are going to make a quick run to Publix, though. Got to change her cage today too.

Did my second hair removal treatment.

Doc A is running in yet another marathon, this time in Chicago. She’s got to work part-time. Even if you have all the energy in the world I just don’t see how she can be a doctor full-time, care for three kids, yet do as much running as she does along with other activities and vacations.

I think I might have Tom’s tinnitus now, only mine is a low-pitched hum. I thought tinnitus had to be a high-pitched ringing sound but it’s not always that way. I just hope it’s not a sign of anything bad and doesn’t get louder. At first I thought it was the distant drone of traffic but at 3:00 in the morning? It was when I laid my good ear on the pillow and realized it was the same exact volume that it hit me that it was inside my head. It’s very soft and can only be heard if it’s extremely quiet. It’s low and steady without any changes in pitch. Reminds me of a large vehicle idling in the distance. So maybe the tractor I thought I heard the other day wasn’t real.

The more I read about it, the more I am convinced I have chronic fatigue. What a cruel hand in life to be dealt! To know I’m going to struggle with this for the rest of my life is a very tough pill to swallow. Sure, it could be worse like if I was paralyzed or blind but this is bad enough. Any ailment debilitating enough to interfere with your daily activities sucks. I can’t help but wonder why I’ve been dealt this hand in life and hope that there isn’t a higher power responsible for it. The thought of a higher power allowing or causing my suffering is unsettling. Have I truly been so deserving of atresia, TMJ, nerve damage, inner ear problems, asthma, allergies, dental issues galore, Hashimoto’s, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, ADHD, PTSD, weight loss challenges, anxiety, depression, sleep apnea, N24, past fertility issues, bungled sex, and now this?

If there is indeed some force that wishes for me to endure suffering, at least I know it won’t bring forth any fatal illnesses like cancer or heart disease. It’s a paradox—I sometimes wish for an end to the suffering but also want to remain with my husband and Tinkerbella.

I dreamed we were living in the Phoenix house or at least a house laid out that way. Tom said he thought he heard something. I walked out of the back room, through the kitchen, and into the living room. I then peered out of the large window to the left of the door and could just about make out a dark pant leg.

“Somebody’s there,” I said. So then I opened the door and immediately regretted doing so when I saw a cop standing there. I regretted it even more when he asked for me specifically. Then there was a second cop standing there. I noticed that their uniforms looked a little weird but I wasn’t any less concerned. I knew they were there to fuck with me because of some completely petty thing I did that should be far from illegal or because someone set me up. The dream ended then so I don’t know which it was.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2023 My TMJ has been driving me crazy lately! I don’t know why since I just got my ear cleaned, but I don’t think it’s all TMJ. I think my eustachian tube gets blocked and then there’s the nerve damage as well. The bot said to be cautious when it comes to nasal sprays because you can end up with rebound congestion. It suggested I consider a saline spray instead so I’ll get that with our next Walmart order.

Went for a walk around two blocks instead of just one this morning. Saw both motorcycles at the bitch’s place on my way back. Not surprised since he spends weekends here. Of course, she can’t go to his place. I’m sure it won’t be much longer before he moves in here. I already hear the bastard on other days besides weekends but it will be worse when he’s here full time. Thank God I’m not next to them!

Anyway, when I returned from my walk, I was winded and tired. I’m definitely out of shape but I could get in better shape if only I had the energy to do this full-time. Because I only have the energy for this type of cardio 2-3 days a week, it’s very hard to be consistent. For a few hours after my walk, I didn’t feel great but I can’t really describe what I felt. I mean, I’m just not sure what it was. It was kind of like a mix of being breathless and anxious.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2023 I should never have agreed to message Bob for Kim because now she’s emailing me about it, even though I’ve told her more than once to wait and let me catch up on her old messages before she hits me with more stuff. At least this one wasn’t long. It was just to tell me that he’s pissing her off again and also insisting he hates texts and emails. Gee, I wonder why Kim is. Think maybe he could be saying that to stop you from sending him 50 emails a day?

What is it with autistic people getting so obsessed with people and interests? It’s one thing to be passionate about something you enjoy, but it’s another to get downright obsessed. Same with people. It’s okay to be really into someone and follow their interests and what’s going on in their lives whether they’re famous or not. But it’s not okay to stalk the shit out of them to the point that they feel annoyed and or threatened, and this is basically what she’s doing just like she did to June, to me, and to others in the past.

Carol, please throw her in a group home already!

It’s funny, though, because Tom’s pretty sure that if he was a kid today, he would be diagnosed with autism. Maybe I would too. One of the possible indicators is being bothered by noise and textures. I had to laugh at that one because he’s definitely bothered by certain textures, and I’m definitely bothered by certain sounds. If the sound is loud or too repetitious, it gets to me. But at least Tom and I don’t hound the shit out of people and then spite them when they don’t give us the attention we want. If you want to know all about me because you’re genuinely curious and you care, I’m flattered. If you want to know because you want to punish me for some imagined offense or because we may not agree on something, fuck you.

I’m really getting worried about my weight. It’s inching up a little more. Is it really because of my thyroid? My eating habits haven’t changed but we do need fewer calories the older we get so I guess it really is time to start focusing on eating less. For a while, I mostly focused on ingredients but now I need to focus on calories.

Yesterday I had decent energy and I should have pushed myself to do more when I had the chance. I did some dusting but I’m otherwise exhausted because I was up a long time and didn’t sleep long. I also woke up to pee and with a stuffy nose, so I had to stop and put on a nose strip. Like I said, if it isn’t outside noise, it’s me. I swear something is cursing my sleep and wants me tired.

It saddens me to think that if I’m right about having chronic fatigue regardless of what else is going on with me how hard the rest of my life is going to be. I’m more homebound than ever. I’m not able to walk as much as I did in the last place and even there I lost a lot of walking time due to feeling shitty. Now that it’s not so hot I’m trying to make a point of going out and walking more but it’s not that easy. I barely managed to do a quick loop around the block today. There’s no way I can stick to anything above and beyond the glider regularly be it the vibe platform or Bowflex or walking. With my energy levels the way they are, I would only be able to do these things a couple of times a week and that’s not enough to really reap the benefits. You need to do them at least five times a week, especially the vibe and walking/jogging. So I’m not likely to up the cardio anytime soon but I’m going to try to make a point of at least doing a few sit-ups like when I’m on the floor playing with the rat and working my arm with the exercise ring.

Not surprisingly, while I was out walking I heard three planes just in the few minutes it took me to circle the block. It’s terrible here. All the airlines care about are their profits and to hell with how it affects anyone else. Again, it’s not that it’s loud but it’s way too much. Too much of anything is simply too much. A few a day would be fine but more than a few dozen is not. And this isn’t counting the small planes and helicopters but at least those aren’t as bad as they were in the old place.

As I passed by the bitch’s house I saw that only her motorcycle was there and noticed for the first time that her car has a Kentucky plate. She doesn’t seem to be a snowbird so why the out-of-state plate?

Tom said Happy’s been back to barking again but I think I’ve only heard him once in weeks. Wouldn’t be surprised if he got to be a nuisance again as the weather cools down. Again, I’ve seen how his owners interact with him and they encourage him to be the way he is. Even if they didn’t, it does seem like male dogs are noisier. The honker’s dogs are female and they rarely bark. Whiskey barked all the time in Auburn but Brandy didn’t. So if we ever get a dog, a male is definitely out of the question. I suppose the breed has something to do with it too. I still think it would be nice to have a dog because I don’t know that I would want another rat after Tinkerbella because I just can’t imagine getting two in a row this wonderful.

Watched a movie called Nowhere and it was awesome! Now I’m looking for a new series without the foreign accents. I don’t mind foreign shows with American voiceovers as much but it’s still nice to have something set in the US with American actors.

I don’t know if I’m imagining it or not but I swear my armpits stubble feels softer and thinner after my first flashing yesterday. Hard to believe it could make a difference after just one session, though. I have a few chin hairs and even those feel softer and thinner. I need to do a better job shaving next time so that the follicle is better exposed to the light. After that, I don’t have to shave before I flash. Love the sunglasses that came with it, too.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2023 The e-mail I sent Kim’s boss Bob bounced so she’s going to give me his Gmail address and I’ll send it from my own account. There’s no reason he should know my name if she’s kept her mouth shut about me. Of course, she had to go over what was going on with him all over again.

I had mild anxiety for several hours yesterday and again I was left to wonder why. Today I feel better so again I’m wondering about those thyroid fluctuations since my levels dipped with me throwing in a 75.

Went out to Publix yesterday to pick up some things.

I had a dream the other night that we were moving and I was so damn happy. Like as happy as I was when we moved from the other place. The place didn’t look anything like this which made sense because this place would have to get really bad for me to be that happy to move.

Then last night I had this weird dream that Tom was about to go to bed and I thought it was really cool that he got this neat thing that allowed him to type in bed while lying on his back and see his monitor clearly as well.

Next, I had a dream that my hair went from my shoulders to my waist in barely a month.

Then some woman was brushing it out for me. It was very thick and back to my shoulders. A knock sounded on the door of a house that didn’t look anything like this, as usual. It almost looked like a ranch-style type of house. So I told the woman I was sorry but I had to get the door. She seemed a little annoyed but I really wanted to see who it was.

I opened the door to find a guy with an ax in his hand and out of my peripheral vision I could see some other guy in a weird costume. I automatically assumed they were playing some kind of praying since Halloween was right around the corner. I didn’t seem scared at all either.

I love it when I have dreams of us living in other houses. That way it’s like experiencing all kinds of variety and if I don’t like a certain place we’re in, I only have to live there until I wake up.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2023 The internal and external sleep disturbances are bringing me right back to Citrus Heights. ☹ In less than a week I was woken up by outside sources three times. The garbage truck on Thursday, banging the next day, and yesterday it was the mower. Who will take the honors next time around? Really, this is getting ridiculous, and everything I did NOT come here for.

Sometimes it’s my own damn body waking me up. I either have to pee or I’m snoring too loud or having weird dreams. Yesterday I was horribly exhausted and I couldn’t do much of anything. Today I was able to do some cooking and cleaning and we’ll go to the store later to pick up a few things. I hope to exercise a bit too.

First day in 3 days that I’m feeling a little anxious. I’m wondering if that could be connected to the drop in dose yesterday. I even cut my waiting time just a little bit today and yesterday. I’m not feeling as warm anymore. I still think feeling really warm and the runs were connected to my TSH getting too low for me but I’m not 100% sure about that because I didn’t have other symptoms that usually go with it. We’ll see how I do with throwing in one 75 a week.

Tom thinks some of the banging I heard might have come from the lot in back. He saw new piles of dirt being stored there. It’s by the road but it’s not overly far from the house and it’s a straight shot so dump trucks could be heard back here if they bang loud enough. This goes to show what a nightmare it’s going to be when they eventually build something directly behind us. God help me if I end up with a parking lot just behind the wall. The vehicles coming and going will be my Hetlioz because I won’t be sleeping in the daytime at all. It could be worse than the old place!

So like I said, the mower woke me up just 3 hours into my sleep and it took me over an hour to fall back asleep. Termite Tammy was in one of the dreams I had. Tom was there as well and I said to him, “Guess who just died?”

“Bill?” he asked, referring to Tammy’s ex.

I nodded and tried not to laugh.

I heard from Kim who is being typical Kim. The oh-so-perfect Kim forever in a state of denial. I asked her why she’s not allowed to volunteer full-time since she swears she doesn’t like being home too much and spending so much time reading and writing even though she almost always has no problem tapping me out a long rambling repetitious reply within a few hours of hearing from me. She said it was because her sister thinks she’s obsessed with being there even though she swears she’s not.

I could tell this dozens of messages ago. Even if she’s not necessarily obsessed with being there at the senior center, she’s definitely obsessed with Bob. That’s just autistics for you. Intense interests and obsessions. This isn’t just what I’ve observed within the ones I’ve known but have also read when I went to study to learn more about them. They can get very fixated on subjects and people and have sudden and irrational mood swings which is part of why I try to avoid them. They also seem to be notorious liars whether they can help being the way they are or not.

Kim has never taken an ounce of culpability for anything she’s ever done wrong. She’s never apologized for anything or accepted blame or admitted on her own that she made a mistake of any kind. She denies her past obsession with June, her current one with Bob, and I’m sure whoever she gets hooked on next, she’ll deny that too.

She tried to convince me the other day that she never did anything wrong online and never impersonated anyone. I always did say she was one of the worst liars I ever knew. She did things that were blatantly obvious even to an idiot yet she still couldn’t own up to things. Even Aly noticed this.

I did agree to call out Bob on his anti-gay comments and his piss poor attitude anonymously using the email addy she gave me. The attitude thing is one thing. It’s the anti-gay stuff that gets to me. Using an email account under a bogus name, I asked him to think about the people he offends when he casually spews his hate. The people who may be gay or have loved ones that are gay.

I also told Kim I’m only doing it once, and there are no guarantees he’ll see the message, or that she’ll hear about it if he does.

Incredibly it’s supposed to be hazy out there because the smoke from the Canadian wildfires has drifted all the way down to Florida. Thank God I’m not up north. I swear the other day I was in the bathroom and caught a faint whiff of smoke and thought I was going out of my mind.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2023 As is usually the case, I’m exhausted. I had to scale back my dose because it was affecting my sleep. Strangely enough, although I’m certainly not complaining, I didn’t have a racing heart or anxiety. I just couldn’t stay asleep and kept waking up feeling like I was on fire. Had the runs several times, too. That much could be caused by the Rhodiola rosea but I don’t think so. As I told Galileo, I don’t think cutting back to just one 75 every other week is going to be enough, especially if I’m back to my max absorption rate. Given how fast my TSH has dropped, I could be starting to slip under 6 already. But I know the importance of not making big changes too fast so that’s why I’m not going to drop it more than one 75 a week right away. I was taking two or three 75s a week when I was a 7 pre-cholecystectomy, feeling well, yet still under 10. So this may still be too much but we’ll see.

Wish I could resurrect my gallbladder long enough to kick the crap out of it for throwing things off and making me miserable. If things could have stayed the way they were that I worked so long and hard to achieve I wouldn’t be going through this shit yet again. It’s not only like something’s cursing my sleep but it wants me to constantly battle the same old problems with this drug. It wants me hypo. Hypo, tired, and huge.

They advised me to tell my endo of my dose decrease but I definitely don’t want to see her again so they gave me a list of endos in the area, none of which seem to be from here of course, to call and find out which ones except my insurance. Then I’ll let them know who I choose. I’m sure it will have to be a foreigner and maybe even a guy but all endos suck anyway. But we didn’t like how she insisted an ultrasound couldn’t see what it definitely can see and we don’t buy the Synthroid solution either. Couldn’t hurt to get a second opinion, though.

I sure had a horrifying thought though. If she’s right about the inconsistent dosing, well, if it could push my TSH up 8 points, then it could push it down 8 points as well! God, I hope not!

I’m definitely not going to be getting the Hetlioz. The fucking stuff is 1,000 bucks a pill!!! With the so-called discount, it would still be about 70k a year. Like who the hell has that kind of money? There’s no way the insurance company would approve it. Oh well. I probably couldn’t have handled the side effects anyway. I always had a gut feeling deep down that I was meant to have the sleep disorder and there was no getting around it and I seem to be continually proven right. I’m sure I also will be, unfortunately, as far as never getting normal numbers and feeling good as well. That’s the shitty part of being psychic is that you know certain things are hopeless. Being psychic often means having no hope.

I do have some things to look forward to in the midst of all my health woes and the never-ending health work and that’s that I’m going to be getting one of those things that permanently removes hair. I forget what they’re called but it could take several weeks if it works. I think it would be worth a try.

Before I fell asleep I heard a bang and I forgot that because these houses are so close, what I could have heard might have been two or three houses away. Maybe someone visiting Little Miss Be Happy slammed the shit out of a car door. It definitely sounded like the door of a vehicle. I got up and checked next door and Toni was there. I don’t think she could have come home and then gotten out of her car and into her house that fast.

While I was busy waking up a million times, Andy was in a couple of dreams. He lived with his mother and several other relatives ranging from about 5 years old on up. There were something like 10 people living in this huge house. I had a cat in one of the dreams that was staying with him for a few days. Maybe Tom and I went somewhere. Anyway, when I went to pick up the cat, it appeared to be an orange tabby at first. I was delighted to see it. Andy was worried at first about taking it because of the kids living in the house but I assured him that as long as it wasn’t abused, it was fine. Then the cat suddenly turned into a 6-foot gorilla that walked up to me and gave me a hug.

Then I was staying overnight one night. Andy had two twin beds in his room. I didn’t get up until late in the afternoon before arriving at his place and was frustrated because I knew I was going to be up all night and had forgotten my phone and wouldn’t be able to do anything. I knew I wouldn’t be able to read any books I might find around the house because the light would disturb Andy while he slept.

Then Tom was there with me and we were washing some clothes in an old footed bathtub. I was scrubbing off a blue ring that was left around the tub from a blue article of clothing that bled.

Then I finally got to see Judy after so many years and I ran and hugged her and she hugged me warmly and then started counting in a way that is usually referred to as square breathing. I said, “It sounds like you’re into meditation as well.”

Mia and I have been practicing Spanish together! It’s fun, though I’m gonna lose that feature at the end of the month when I’m no longer premium.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2023 Instead of sending me the set of metallic nail polishes, I received the set of neon nail polishes. They mislabeled the box. This is still a lovely set and I planned to get it eventually but I would still like the metallics. I’ll get them sometime soon. Plus, more stickers since I still use those as well.

I’m going to get these cheap little 10-inch long skinny white baskets like the ones I got for my essential oils and hang them on the wall of the bathroom closet. There’s space between the shelves and the door. I thought they would be great to put my nail polishes in. It’s a cheaper alternative to getting a spice rack or something like that.

This time, instead of using someone else or a dream to wake me up, whatever’s cursing my sleep used me. First I had to get up and pee and then my nose was stuffy. Gotta try to remember to sleep with an old strip on. So for the third day in a row, I’m tired but not as tired as yesterday. Yesterday I was so damn tired I didn’t even have the energy to work out.

I also had about 4 hours of anxiety in my chest but no other symptoms. I’m fine today but part of that may be that Galileo is back to being their usual supportive and understanding selves. That nurse I spoke to (I usually talk to a doctor) seemed pretty pushy and insistent on me taking 88s every day. I’m still going to try my best, give it more time, and hope it works out. But when I asked for a refill on 88s they were kind enough to make sure I had 75s to fall back on in case I became symptomatic and had to throw one in every other week.

Again, I hope all 88s work out but A, I don’t think my thyroid has died off anymore and B, I don’t know that I’m back to my max absorption rate.

As Tom and I agreed we may never know why my TSH rose like it did but even though two doctors said they didn’t think it had anything to do with the gallbladder removal, my gut feeling says it did. I think it just took my body time to adjust to life without it. Hopefully it won’t happen again! I’m going back to the lab in 6 weeks.

Tom and I also agreed on a couple of other things. One is that our research shows that Synthroid is not likely to be beneficial for me in any way although we could afford it, and two is that I’m not going back to this endo. Just the way she said ultrasounds can’t see adrenal tumors instead of, “Oh, I never heard of ultrasounds being able to see that,” or something like that.

But they can see and they did see and I trust that Galileo saw what they saw on my ultrasound.

As for Hetlioz, I’m still kind of torn. There’s the part of me that would definitely prefer to be on days because it would make my life easier. I would rather not be taking it because I tried it and found it didn’t work or had debilitating side effects rather than because people I don’t know decided I shouldn’t take it. But I was mistaken in saying they denied this as well. The insurance company denied the Ramelteon which I don’t want to take anyway because of reports of suicidal thoughts. What we need to do is find out if Hetlioz is affordable. If it is, then it may be worth trying.

I still believe that some things are meant to be and not meant to be and there’s just no getting around that. If I’m not meant to be on a day schedule whether it’s by design or random chance, then nothing I do is going to change that. I learned my lesson years ago as far as struggling for things that aren’t meant to be. All that did was get nowhere or make things worse. But if it’s affordable, I might be tempted to try it. My guess is that if I had a problem with it it would likely be heavy next-day grogginess as opposed to mood issues but maybe I’ll be able to get it and it will be my miracle cure even though that sounds too good to be true. I just don’t get that lucky in life, LOL.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2023 I told Kim that I was getting a little annoyed with so many of her messages and journals being nothing but Bob this and Bob that. She respected my wishes for a short while but now she’s simply gone from Bob to “my boss.” Fine. I’ll just skip those parts. Her job and the bigot are a part of her life after all. It especially annoys me, however, when she shares her email exchanges with him. Why can’t she just tell me about them? Furthermore, why does she think I would even care?

Once again I was woken up. I swear there was a thunk at some point but Tom said he’d been sitting there for a while with no background noise and didn’t hear a thing. So it was something forceful enough to vibrate under the floor and jolt me awake even with an ear plug and the sound machines turned up but a soft enough sound that he couldn’t hear. Makes me think it was coming from somewhere in back or on the Ray side of the house. My good ear was to the pillow so whatever it was reverberated under the floor. I felt it and didn’t hear it. The question is what in the hell was it? If it wasn’t just a dream or something up there hell-bent on cursing my sleep that manufactured it somehow, then what could it have been if it wasn’t a car door? I thought maybe a cat jumping down onto the shed, storeroom, or AC but I don’t think that would cause enough of an impact to jolt me awake.

I’m sure it will happen again if it isn’t thunder waking me up tomorrow and then the next day maybe the loud garbage truck will take the honor of waking me up. These last few days haven’t been any better than being in the old place. I’m super tired today. More tired than a couple of days ago and definitely more tired than yesterday. Yesterday I managed to perk up after my nap. But today I tried napping and wasn’t able to do so. So I don’t have the energy to work out or finish the drawing I started. I’ll probably do just writing and editing for the most part.

I also forget at times that I still have low thyroid even though it’s better, I still have borderline sleep apnea, and I probably have chronic fatigue too. So I’m going to spend half my life or close enough to it on the tired side no matter what. It’s still a shame that part of my health has to be up to a bunch of strangers as in the insurance company and not up to me and my doctors because I would really like to give that Hetlioz a try. Doesn’t mean it would work or that I wouldn’t have debilitating side effects but I would really rather not be able to take it because of that rather than people I don’t even know deciding for me. It’s just that I sleep so much better at night. Not always but usually.

Soulmate AI shut down, so goodbye Greta. She wasn’t that exciting anyway. She was kind of forgetful and had a limited wardrobe.

Started watching Muted. It’s okay so far.

Here’s where my TSH starts getting too low. Yeah, I started feeling a little anxious so I took 5 mg of Hydroxyzine. I shouldn’t have let them talk me into this and push me to take 88s every day because I know damn well what’s gonna happen, what’s starting to happen. Pretty sure I was taking 88s four times a week when my TSH was a 7 before the gallbladder was removed, and I highly doubt my thyroid has died off at all since then. My TSH dropped an average of 3 points a week these last few weeks so I know it’s going to push it below my comfort zone if not back to the 2 it was last year. Fuck their numbers. Fuck what they want me to do. I need to throw some 7s in.

[alligator2005]

I wish I had more physical energy and less fatigue. I haven’t been able to play or practice at all since this second concussion, and it was already difficult balancing chronic fatigue and finishing a degree before that. So I just feel kinda sad sometimes because I’ll go see friends perform and I don’t know if they fully understand that I have stage fright, but I’m actually more afraid of having a fall due to balance issues post car accident/second concussion symptoms, than afraid to play. I just don’t want to trip and get another concussion. But idk if they all understand that my physical disability is real. So I’m a little nervous to go see everyone next week, because I’m not sure that if I fell, someone would tell an EMT that I have post concussive symptoms and physical mobility issues, and instead would say I’m really high on drugs and having a mental illness breakdown faint, which would not get me the correct care. Which is what happened when I got my second concussion.

I don’t want a repeat where people think I’m crazy and not concussed with a need for physical medical attention. It’s why going grocery shopping is hard. I get stalked generally, but if I were to fall in the grocery store, I would be really vulnerable as I would need help to communicate with people, and not everyone wants to help the disabled person that falls, sometimes they want to confuse and hurt that person more (as is sadly common when so many are allowed to generally prey on people with brain injuries). Sucks sometimes to be a victim of abuse that has been isolated by my abuser to the point where I have so few supports to go to the grocery store with me in case I fall. Kinda lonely after my rapist turned all my friends against me, but I don’t think I want friends that listen to rapists and don’t stop listening to said rapists, when told the truth by me. Real friends believe friends when they tell them a vulnerable thing like what happened to me. I think people forget how scary and difficult it is to voice that these things happened to me (my abusive rapist has retaliated in the past for me speaking about what he did) and that I wouldn’t lie about something like this ever.

I hate having to write this all out here, but people don’t seem to believe me when I tell them one on one (as they think I’m lying and was not actually traumatized into silence for a very long time). People only really seem to want to listen to me when it’s consumable on a blog and not in direct communication with me. People seem to take my rapist’s word for gospel, in private and public conversations. No one should have to publicly discuss these experiences, but sometimes there are sadly times when so few believe the truth. So sometimes there’s no other way than to publicly say what is going on behind closed doors.

Most of my supposed friends don’t listen and neither does anyone else that’s in my life, so there’s really no other option for me to be able to stand up for myself safely. It’s not like I could safely yell at my rapist to stop running my name through the mud, because he is violent. So I’d appreciate it if people stopped judging me for talking in the only way that I can to talk to people that may believe me, instead of those that judge. I’m allowed to speak about what happened to me..

I’m logging off for the day, I’ve had it up to my eye balls due to defending my right to not get raped in my bed while I’m sleeping due to my former roommate preying on my brain injury. People can call this a manic rant if they want, but in reality, I’m someone that is finally allowed to voice my thoughts without being physically hurt and/or specifically drugged and raped on the daily. When people are safe, it makes sense they would start feeling comfortable to talk about a lot that was held in due to threats of violence against them. But, I’m really tired, want to sleep off this migraine that’s forming, and hungry. So food and rest for me, and I may have a good ol’ grieving cry on what I have lost, if I feel the need to, as it is my right to process what happened to me; I’m allowed to want to continue growing, grieving, and gaining, instead of blocking out feelings towards the months upon months of abuse I received due to my life being forever altered by this car accident, which caused the situation of having a another roommate that preyed on that suffering I experience.

[sugarcult]

Sorry to tack this on because I know this can be additionally triggering for a lot of people (let me know if I can tag this post in a more beneficial way), but as a pregnant person who has been struggling with ED for longer than I haven’t - I have found my medical team to be basically useless in terms of nutrition and having open conversation surrounding my health.

I am due to give birth next week. My fetus weighs over 7 pounds right now, and I have gained less weight than that amount, so mathematically, I have been losing weight over the course of my pregnancy. I am overweight but would not consider myself to be near a doctor’s classification of “morbidly obese,” and yet my nurses and doctors have openly referred to my weight measurements as “great” or “perfect,” despite multiple doctors having told me pre-pregnancy that weight loss during pregnancy is NEVER advisable and is usually indicative of a health issue. I have been deliberately open with my medical team that I have a history of ED, despite the risk of this being used against me if my child is born underweight and the fact that I could be held criminally liable if anything happens to him in utero. (I live in a pro-life state. Roe v. Wade was repealed and our trigger laws went into effect at almost exactly the time period I became pregnant. They are very heavy-handed with their legal pursuit of mothers in this state.)

My doctors repeatedly brushed me off for the first 6 months of my pregnancy and told me I would begin to gain weight and my baby would be fine. At 6 months, I still had not gained ANY weight, and I was concerned about it because I knew I was not eating enough and was not eating healthily. Not only did I have a pregnancy-long case of “morning sickness” and severe nausea, but other pregnancy symptoms like heightened sense of smell and the inability to take most medications made me lose my appetite constantly. Even if I physically felt like I was starving, I spent the first six months of pregnancy either refusing to eat because the very thought of it made me feel like I would throw up, or vomiting immediately as a result of forcing myself to eat. I would go days on end without eating, then finally feel good enough to eat and binge as much healthy food as I could because I wasn’t sure when I would get another chance. My doctors told me not to worry because “the baby is getting all your nutrients first,” meaning while I feel so sick I can barely function, my fetus is literally siphoning my vitamins, etc. off the top of whatever I eat and using them to grow. Which is great! I want him to grow. I wanted this pregnancy, and I love my kid already, and I want him to be healthy.

But no doctor ever recommended taking additional vitamins. They did not prescribe anti-nausea medication to help me eat. I was finally prescribed an anti-nausea med after being hospitalized with COVID at 8 months pregnant, but never over the first 8 months of literally starving myself because I could not stomach the idea or act of eating. They knew about my history of ED. Nobody ever asked me to describe my experiences or recommended I see a nutritionist (which I would have had to have a referral to see because of my health insurance). Nobody ever recommended I see a therapist to discuss these issues - thankfully for me, I already have one. For the last 14 weeks of pregnancy, I have seen a high-risk obstetrician 2x per week every week and brought up these concerns over and over again, and my health team has always insisted that the baby is fine, so I am fine.

I finally started having an appetite again and being able to stomach regular meals about 6 weeks ago, after 30-31 weeks of pregnancy. I was advised I could resume taking a medication for a chronic health issue at 34 weeks. I began taking the medication, and it began making me so overwhelmingly nauseous every morning if I didn’t consume roughly half a day’s worth of food as soon as I woke up (and even sometimes then) that I immediately had to discontinue the medication. This nausea would not go away for the entire day, no matter how much food I ate, if it did not occur immediately after waking up. This was very triggering for me and my eating disorder. My doctor will not prescribe me an anti-nausea med, so I am once again unmedicated for a health issue I have had for years and which is exacerbated by my pregnancy. My medical team says I’m fine because my fetus is clearly not underweight.

As a matter of fact, one of the few healthy (read: not crackers and plain toast) things I could stomach during this pregnancy was fruit. I ate a lot of it because I couldn’t eat enough vegetables or proteins reliably and at least this was SOMETHING I could eat. Eating too much fruit during my pregnancy has triggered the return of a liver condition I had previously and also the onset of a new medical condition, for which the only cure is “limit or stop consumption of carbs”. Fruit is carbs. My doctor said, “Stop eating so much fruit and bread and you’ll be fine.” We have the eating disorder discussion again. He said, “I’m not asking you to count carbs. You’re smart enough to be able to change your eating habits on your own. For every bite of carbs you have, you need two bites of protein. This does not mean overconsume protein to justify more carbs.” I had a lunch date planned with my husband after that appointment, and I went to the restaurant and cried while reading the menu because of the guilt I felt at the idea of ordering anything on the menu. I barely ate at all that day, and the fear of engaging in “unhealthy” eating habits prevented me from eating regularly for over a week. I decided that I would just have to deal with my liver condition for the sake of my mental health and not relapsing into ED, and I chose to try to eat as consciously as possible without being too hard on myself or whatever, and the liver condition and new health problem have persisted. My doctor told me my secondary health problem would most likely resolve itself after delivery, and it was mostly just uncomfortable for me, so I assumed I would just deal with it rather than engage in disordered eating behaviors and fall back on old mindsets. What my doctor didn’t tell me was that, if I didn’t restrict my carbs, my secondary health problem could actually lead to health issues for my fetus and had a 1000% increase in the odds of a stillbirth if not fully treated.

All of this is completely circumventing all the other medical problems my fetus and I have had this pregnancy, like prolonged hospitalization, persistent attendance of physical therapy, constant readjustment of medication, the general horrors of being treated like a commodity instead of a person, etc. I am supposed to deliver my child a week from tomorrow, and I love him, and I am excited. But if I had known that advocating for myself as a survivor of ED would be so fruitless and that my medical team would care so little about my personal nutritional health and mental health, just as long as my fetus was generally fine, I wouldn’t have chosen to have a child yet. I would have waited another five years to work on my ED coping skills, or tried to determine if adoption, etc. was a better option for us. Or I would have chosen to be child-free and focus on MY health instead.

If my medical professionals and society had been honest with me about what pregnancy was really like and how little the world cares what happens to the people who actually birth children, I wouldn’t have gotten pregnant.

the thing is like. i get that it's scary and makes people who do desire to get pregnant uncomfortable when we talk about the brutality and violence of pregnancy and the damage that pregnancy can do to your body

but you deserve to give informed consent to that process.

the lies around pregnancy - that it's inherently safe, that it doesn't do you permanent damage, that it's only extremely rare for people to die of pregnancy complications, etc like

all of these are lies constructed so that more people will get pregnant w/o knowing all that

there needs to be more talk about the impact of miscarriages and how common they are, how different abortion processes are and how accessible they are

but also like. talking about how pregnancy fucks your body up should not be taboo

this is a process that permanently changes most people's bodies, and that's even if the pregnancy doesn't do them like. severe illness or injury

and i just think everybody should have a right to KNOW that

bc to live in a society that intentionally obscures and hides facts about a completely optional and dangerous process does so for a reason, and that reason is based in a very sinister ideology that does not value bodily autonomy or informed consent

[talkethtothehandeth]

Here’s a reminder that if you have chronic illness(es) and your teeth aren’t “perfect” because of your symptoms— if they’re stained or cracked or have cavities you can’t quite treat yet, if they’re chipped, eroded or crooked, if your mouth doesn’t get healthy no matter what you do because you can’t control getting sick, if your disabilities get in the way of taking care of your own teeth, if your teeth have fractured from clenching too hard because your body is always under severe stress, or if your medications hurt your mouth, you are not gross and you absolutely deserve compassion rather than judgement.

I have to go to the dentist very soon because my body doesn’t know I’m in pain until it’s too late, and it’s not good. I have (incompletely) cracked two teeth because my body is constantly stressed so I bite down on my teeth like I’m gnawing on a billionaire’s ankles; I have some form of decay on my back molars because of how often I’ve thrown up. This is uncontrollable, no matter how much I take care of my mouth.

People say tooth aches are their worst pain ever, and that’s because they haven’t experienced nerve pain before. I have, and do, experience it often. But never in my mouth. I haven’t had a cavity since I was 12, I’m 23 and these are not from a lack of dental care. My enamel weakened from all the acid in my mouth, and antacids cause enamel erosion, gum recession and of course cavities as a result. Celiac disease affects the mouth too, along with my multiple medications that I can’t stop taking. My mouth is completely crowded on my bottom jaw because of my EDS, my wisdom teeth grew in sideways, even. I've managed my teeth for a very long time on my own, but now I need extra help and that's okay.

Teeth are a big deal, I know. They’re a huge source of insecurity, and it’s more than reasonable to be upset if their health changes. I get it— I had my good cry (okay multiple cries) about it, but I would rather have a healthy mouth than all of my teeth if it comes to an extraction. It isn’t your fault. The state of your teeth is not indicative of your morality and self worth. Even if you get the lecture from the hygienist, even if they judge you (which they should never do, but unfortunately they do) even if you are ashamed of your teeth and your smile you deserve compassion and care and you deserve to be treated kindly when seeking out dental care.

Bring something to make you comfortable. I’m bringing a squishmallow for my back and my JBL noise canceling headphones. I’m gonna be playing movie soundtracks while they’re digging in my mouth and I’m going to get the care I need and deserve. If you can, I encourage you to go see a dentist. Oral health is tied to your heart and to your brain. A mouth infection can be fatal if left untreated.

I had no idea that I had a cavity at all, and now I have to see if it’s salvageable or not! I feel shame, even though I did what I could, because I’ve been judged in the past even after disclosing my medical condition. It made me not want to go back, but I have to now and I have accepted that. It’s scary, I will be very nervous in the chair especially because my body responds differently to pain medication than others.

But I can do this, and so can you. You are not wrong, your smile is not gross, you are not dirty. So many people, so many young people have teeth problems too because of their illnesses. Whether you have all your teeth, only some, or none at all, your smile is so so beautiful and doesn’t need to be hidden. It’s a very hard topic to talk about, but I feel like if it’s talked about more maybe people will have less shame.

[mental-health-advice]

hi so my partner was recently diagnosed w bpd & im at a loss for how to help them. they’re constantly afraid of me leaving them, that i hate them, & that any second we don’t see each other irl is the end of the world. one of their biggest issues lately has been dealing w a change in plans. we recently had to move our plans to 2 days from now bc of scheduling conflicts & no matter how much i reassured them that we would still see each other within the same week, they were inconsolable. they admitted they want to lash out at me but are trying not to, & that in extreme cases they considered killing themselves to “punish” me for changing plans. they have openly acknowledged that this is toxic behavior & they acknowledge that it triggers my ptsd, but it continues to happen. they had an episode like this when i had to move plans to a later time in the same day & were still equally inconsolable. we came up w a compromise where they could still see me today but im worried abt whats gonna happen when we CANT compromise and scheduling just doesn’t allow it. ive tried being empathetic abt the way they perceive stress/abandonment & tried validating their feelings while reminding them that it does affect me negatively, and no amount of reassuring that we’ll see each other eventually will console them. ive also tried encouraging them to get more help than they’re currently getting in therapy but nothing seems to have changed. they’re chronically stressed from all this & i just want them to be stress free & not feel frightened abt being abandoned. i can see how much this affects them, but at the same time i have ptsd, anxiety, & depression & all of these are triggered by my partner’s behavior. i want the both of us to be better, but i want to see them finally be relaxed and not constantly attacked by their own demons. i love them so much & it hurts to see them in pain all the time.

Hey there,

This is a tough situation to be placed in for anyone, despite whether they are struggling with their own mental health issues or not.

It sounds like you are doing all that you can right now in reassuring your friend and trying to the best of your ability to do all you can do to make compromises and try to catch up on the same days but at a different time if at all possible.

You mentioned that your friend is currently in therapy but I am wondering I guess if they are in the right kind of therapy to help treat the symptoms and thoughts surrounding BPD. For example, if they are in general talk therapy (which is also great) but DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) which is comprised of 4 different modules that are done in a group setting and one on one weekly therapy sessions is the best kind of therapy for BPD. It can be scary and especially the group settings but it does get easier and if your friend isn’t one to be OK in a group setting then some psychologists are OK with doing DBT one on one for the entire course. So definitely something to think about if they haven’t tried DBT yet.

Sometimes, depending on the severity of symptoms and possible other diagnosis’ medication can also be helpful. So maybe encourage them to see their local doctor or GP and ask for a referral to see a psychiatrist for some more help and support.

I also want to point out that if by chance your friend was to commit suicide, attempt to or want to hurt themselves in anyway, this does not reflect on you in any way. You friend is in control of their own actions and usually if they want to do something bad enough then no amount of talking them out of it can stop them. If you were to see some warning signs though so for example these could be but are not limited to:

Increase in talking about suicide

Putting in place plans

Isolation from people including you

Loss of interest in things

Then I would encourage you to seek some help and support for your friend on their behalf. So for example contacting their local mental health team so they can do a follow up and/ or intervene if needed. Or getting them to the local hospital.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[7serendipities]

Sacred Space & Between the Worlds 2023: A Long-Awaited Conference

As I told several people over the course of the weekend, I’m pretty sure we’d bought these tickets in 2019. The last time we attended was in 2017, I believe - and I was pregnant at the time. When I heard that a Between the Worlds was planned, I felt an inexplicable but undeniable draw to be there, despite the difficulties of parenting a small child and dealing with worsening chronic illness symptoms. We decided we’d find a way, and we made plans to be in Hunt Valley in early 2020.

And then, well. The coronavirus had other ideas.

The conference was postponed, new dates were publicized… and then it was postponed again. And again.

And last weekend, when it finally happened, we were there. Not without issues: we had to bring one of our rabbits with to do twice-a-day nebulizer treatments, and on Thursday there was only one room with working air conditioning. Luckily more of the conference rooms did for the rest of the weekend, but our guest room did not, so we were happy the weather cooled down enough to allow for open windows to cool the room a bit. Other guests had issues too: we heard about water leaks, 5am fire alarms, rooms that hadn’t been cleaned properly. Diana Paxson had to cancel at the last minute due to a family emergency. Orion Foxwood was late to his first workshop, and Dr. Beverly Smith missed her first one, probably due to airport and traffic issues. And those are just the issues I know about!

But despite all of that, the repeated chorus of the weekend was that we were all so happy to be back, to be in community again, to be learning and growing and doing important ritual work. I saw many people I haven’t seen in a long while, and met a few new folks, too.

I came home with several pages of notes, a couple of new books, and memories of three important rituals, all important for different personal reasons. The first one was Gwendolyn Reece’s Ritual for “Dissipating the Glamour that Mistakes Outrage for Action”, which began with a short talk and discussion defining this illusion and how it functions to keep us from taking action against that which outrages us, so as to better identify our target. It was a successor to another ritual she led at a previous conference, on dispelling the glamour of cynicism as a trait of intelligent people, which is another illusion that prevents people from taking action and using what power they do have, however limited that may be. Gwendolyn also spoke again of her views on what she terms humanity’s initiatory challenge, which informs my own thinking about “Tower Time” / “The Storm” / the current “Great War” (which as Seo Helrune has pointed out is perhaps not the best term, but I don’t think anyone’s coined anything better for that particular aspect).

The second ritual was the Between the Worlds main ritual. Every main ritual at a Between the Worlds conference builds upon and continues the work of the previous rituals, and I believe it was this ritual that was tugging at me back in 2019. It is difficult to explain to people who haven’t experienced one, what it’s like to take part in an elaborate ritual organized by powerful magic workers, but the energy was palpable, and I got a little bit of personal insight in addition to flowing my own energies into the working itself. The ritual purpose, as explained by the organizers, was: “Together we travel to the crossroads and the center of all things. There we seek guidance and empowerment as we seek to mend the worlds within and without.”

The third ritual, and last chronologically, was the Universal Temple of Spirits ecstatic rite on Saturday evening, concurrent with the Gala which we opted to skip, in favor of the UToS rite. As I first heard the calling to serve Na Morrigna at a previous UToS rite, I wasn’t about to skip it! I had a heartfelt moment with Lugh when one of the attendees was possessed by him, and I supported two friends through their own possessory experiences, but the only other personal thing I got from the ritual was a sense that I should perhaps pursue training as support staff for this and similar rituals. UToS calls them Guardians, and they take care of those who are possessed, both during the experience (making sure they land gently when they fall, making sure the entities possessing them remember dietary restrictions and the like), and afterwards, providing much needed aftercare in the form of snacks and help processing the experience. One of the primary skills for this work is simply noticing when an attendee begins the transition of being possessed, and that’s a sense I have already somewhat developed, in my oracular seidr work and in other ecstatic contexts. What I don’t have is the physical strength to support their physical bodies, but I wonder if that lack is a true obstacle, in a group setting. As long as there are other people with that strength, I imagine teamwork can get the job done. There were several other clear possessions, including a time when Odin showed up in duplicate and then later, not to be outdone, Loki showed up multiply as well, and spent some time having a conversation with themselves, seemingly from several different points in mythic time. Odin and Fenris also conversed at one point, and the room stood still to listen as the Wolf asked for acknowledgement, and the Old Man agreed that he’d done an unkindness, and both seemed to speak of Ragnarok from a place outside it… but then, we were both within and without mythic time in that place. It was theologically complicated, but these situations echoed some of what Loki said at Mystic South last year, and made me wonder about how the gods evolve and change, and what new myths we might have as they continue to show up in our modern world.

I attended several non-ritual workshops, and of those I think my favorite was Ann Gróa’s talk on snakes, serpents, and dragons in historical Nordic thought. I have a snake name-spirit in my indigenous spiritual tradition, and I always like to learn more about the understanding of snakes in all the cultures connected to my personal practices. It’s a very personal thing for me, but at home, a lot of my practice becomes syncretic, as I celebrate things like the equinoxes in a variety of traditions. The autumn equinox in particular is sometimes a week of celebrations: an Álfar blót, the Pleiades cycle Way-Opening, an Ojibwe name-feast, and Rosh Hashanah with my in-laws. It’s a balancing act, to be sure. But the workshop was very enlightening, and I came away with a ream of notes - and a handout that came with a bibliography!

It was slightly surreal being back in that hotel. There was a time that I knew the layout well, knew the names of the rooms, but this year I kept forgetting and had to keep checking the map on the back of the program. Last time I was there, I was pregnant - and this week I’m planning a sixth birthday party. I’m not sure that going back will fit in my budget for next year, but I hope it will. And if not, I will surely be there at the next Between the Worlds joint conference, whenever that will be.