#which idk is such a massive improvement

[sublux]

augh hi

[an-ruraiocht]

man these zits/acne are driving me nuts. i have a whole row of painful spots along my jaw and i keep picking them because they're on my JAW and I LEAN AGAINST THAT and there are LUMPS and I hate them. but this just makes then more sore and painful. i think i'm gonna go off testosterone for a little bit just to see if it improves (or if there are other factors causing it) cos i genuinely cannot deal with this rn

[daggersandarrows]

having just sort of a Night

[sunny-knight]

THE INTERMISSION

Analysis - i need to yap about this or im gonna explode

This is by far my absolute favorite moment of this newest episode, Hell- OF THE ENTIRE SHOW. I need every frame of this beautiful feat of animation in my blood stream NOW!!!!!

I KNOW there has got to be at least a little bit of symbolism buried in this sequence that either alludes to things we already know, or foreshadows things to come, and THAT IS WHAT I LIVE FOR.

Disclaimer!

Trigger warnings of the show apply here!

Also keep in mind that I understand a lot of this may be “over-analyzing”, but I really like finding meaning in art even if it wasn’t intentional! So to avoid justifying every claim over and over with that- I'm just gonna say it here and be done with it. I like analyzing media and personally getting something out of it :3

Set Up!

Before analyzing the scene itself, I want to go through and see what it represents as a whole, in reference to the shows format, and for THAT we need to look at episodes 1-4. Every one so far has had a dialogue-less/dialogue minimum scene where some sort of character development takes place.

Examples of that are…

Episode 1: to the track “Your New Home”, we see Pomni accept her new circumstances, its not a dream/nightmare, and she will “never” get out of here. (which is debatable, but still).

Episode 2: to the track “Not Alone” we see Pomni, (again). instead of just accepting her new circumstances, she more comes to an understanding of it. She will not be forgotten, and her life still has meaning.

Episode 3: in the track (Unnamed 😔) with Pomni, (AGAIN) we see she comes to an understanding of the very nature of this world. It’s hard to believe she wont end up abstracted in the end, even if she knows she wont be forgotten. Eventually though, she comes to the conclusion that she can get through this.

Episode 4: to the track “Still Going” we get Gangle! In how she smiles without her happy mask, marking an arc completed to her happy mask breaking troubles. The interpretation that she kills herself at the end still exists- which… isn’t great- and honestly idk how to interpret that in this case. But my point still stands about character growth ☝️

In all of these, the musical sequences mark a sort of resolution to the arc that the entire episode had built up to. Not all of them are entirely positive, but they still show that some sort of lesson has been learned, and a new chapter of their characters development has begun.

…

But then. Episode 5. The musical sequence thats very clearly focused on Caines character…is just. Utter nonsense. It even gets interrupted- it’s in the middle of the episode, he freezes/has some sort of malfunction afterwards, he ends it in the very same place he was before.

That, I find incredibly interesting. Instead of the episode building up to some spesific problem of Caines that he will end the episode improving on, it feels as if the entire show has been leading up to this one MASSIVE issue. (With Gangle and Pomni, we see pieces of their character improve, not one MAIN issue thats the source of every single one of their problems).

But we’re only halfway through the show, so of course, the sequence happens halfway through the episode. It acts more as a checking in with Caine and getting confirmation that aaahhaaaa- HE IS NOT DOING GOOD.

THE INTERMISSION!!!

(Most of the notes will be coming chronologically)

The text “Intermission Time.” , feels like one of the adventure introduction thingies, and while I don't have much to say on the text itself besides it being a lot colder than usual, (possibly more examples of Caine losing his joy and whimsy,) that's just a cool detail I wanted to note. Treating this like an adventure, since this is a sequence all about Caine losing his mind, its only fitting him going insane is it’s own adventure as its quite literally all he knows.

Everyone’s faces in the beginning seem to be their reaction to suddenly being transported from a calming star gazing scene.. to...this. Thats just sort of a fact instead of speculation, BUT IT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER when considering certain things in other scenes, because the fact that everyone is conscious while unwillingly participating in this “adventure” makes the entire scene feel very unnerving. But that’ll be a repeating factor that will come up later. For now- just keep that in mind.

The part with Caines teeth eating itself makes me immediately think of metaphors involving self destruction, even the A.I. that we deal with in real life, how it eats itself when copying off of things its made that were never correct to begin with.

The neon colors + black and white motif are really pretty stylistically, but since this is entirely Caine point of view/his creation with no one else's influence, it feels like an example of how he sees these people/the world. Black and white, simple, 0 depth. We can already pretty easily infer that from how he handles Zoobles problem in ep 3, I just like how this adds to that.

Before continuing with the visuals- I need to address “the lyrics" here. I like the line "welcome to the digital circus!" turning into "come to the digital circus.”, plus noting the lack of "amazing". They add to Caines forceful nature and insecurities that have been incredibly emphasized lately/in this episode. Lastly, the effect the words have, (how they keep skipping over themselves) is another stylistic choice that has really cool layers to it. It’s fitting for the aesthetic, yes, but it also sounds as if Caine is glitching, like in the “I am such a good b̶̘̮̟̙͋͑̔ō̴̢̹̞̣̽͠s̸͔̳̍̓͐̂s̷̺͚̜̺̑” scene.

Bubble being mixed in with Caines eyes in the dice part…Bubble being as involved as much he is, is odd- and I cant tell what kind of character he’s supposed to be. My current theory is he’s just someone Caine made to not feel as lonely, and in some ways, reflects Caines own emotions/thoughts. Bubble being with Caines eyes somewhat supports that I feel, I just like that it turns into a die though. Symbolizing how random and just- by chance Caines thought process is currently. He’s the very opposite of “calculated”.

(Jax falling into the void followed by Zooble and Gangle is something I feel has more depth that I cant think of… I try to question what they all have in common that Ragatha, Kinger, and Pomni dont…) (Like Gangle and Zooble hate Jax, yeah, but so does Ragatha so why isn’t she involved in that?)

Caine being surrounded by eyes- THIS SHOT MAKES ME FEEL SO MANY EMOTIONS. I HAVE SO MUCH TO SAY. First lets get the biblical angel imagery out of the way- plus the spotlight bringing up some “going in the cellar” imagery. The multiple eyes being related to the abstractions…Possible abstraction symbolism?? But that isnt the part that gets me. Its’s the fact that if you look REALLLY closely you can see Caine is breathing. This. THIS- Its so hard to catch, and such a subtle detail- BUT THATS THE THING. One of the golden rules of animation is “living things dont remain perfectly still.” He’s A.I…. But he sure as hell acts alive a lot of the time. If you look at Caine from far away, you’ll see nothing but a mindless A.I, but if you look really closely, you’ll see he’s got a lot more too him. He’s alive, just like Gummigoo and the other “intelligent A.I’s”.

(Something about that line by the way. The way Caine uses the word “OTHER” makes me question….What is he talking about? Bubble is said to be a MUCH simpler A.I. than Caine, but the way he says that makes it sound like he and Bubble both are “intelligent A.I.s”… I don’t even know what that means though- intelligent artificial intelligence? Bubble seems far from intelligent- IDK. WE’RE GETTING SIDE TRACKED.)

Pomni and Jax get hit by bowling balls, Ragatha and Gangle get hit by cakes, and Kinger holds up the bowling ball before being THROWN OFF by a black chess piece. I think this all gives some light onto how the others first handled joining the circus. Since all we have for reference so far is Pomni, I can totally see Jax reacting in a similar explosive way. Meanwhile the cake may show how Gangle and Ragatha, (while I can’t imagine they took it WELL) didn’t get hit by the realization like a TRUCK. More like a slow burn (therefore not getting as quickly acclimated to the situation as Pomni has, and Jax is assumed to have.) But then for Kinger…he actually did REALLY WELL! since he came in with his wife! ��.and then she abstracted and instead of getting crushed- he just completely fell off. Also this scene is another good example of how aware and- not willing the cast is in this part of the episode, telling from their expressions.

( I debated this also maybe being an example of how Caine views the members? Zooble is excluded because he’s like really mad at them right now? But if thats the case, then I don’t know what Kinger being hit by a black chess piece means.)

The next part has to sort of be digested all at once- Bubble about to bite Pomni, Caine stopping that, holding everyone over his head, then Bubble biting them ALL, and leaving a red trail. The Intermission sequence as a whole is telling us about Caines current mental state of pure decay and insanity, while also reminding us how much power he has over the cast. The scene with him holding them over his head gives a sort of play-things vibe. These 2 purposes/vibes of insanity vs power go hand in hand, where the scary part of them being at the mercy of this guy, is the fact that they're at the mercy of THIS GUY. But where Bubble tries to eat Pomni, Caine stopping that, before Bubble eats them all makes me think its saying that “no matter how much power Caine has, he isn’t immune to the effects of the situation.” Like this is taking a toll on ALL of them and they’ll all be consumed by it if things keep going the way they are. Kinger is the human thats been here the longest and is- crazy- but how is the guy who’s been here since the BEGINNING doing?

The hand scene is SO GREAT. We have 4 hands, before 2 of them squash the other pair, and create 4 more, then descending further into the madness. I feel this could point to the fact that creation and making things out of what Caines already familar with is driving him insane- plus that varsity jacket merch showing the hands being angel wings…something something Caine savior complex

Pomni, Zooble, and Jax all posing feels really off. THIS is the part that throws me for a loop in terms of- bodily atonamy and…morals. They’ve all been worried and confused so far, so posing like their in a music video doesn’t make as much sense. This way, we can easily assume that UHHH Caine is posing them like dolls. Jesus. The point of him having complete and utter control over them just gets worse and worse-

(The mannequin dance just looks cool I have no notes on that)

FINALLY! WOW! We get the scene from the wacky watch website! the “SOS CQD I AM LOSING MY MIND, ALSO HI”. That text always got me because it showed a very uncharacteristic amount of- self awareness from Caine. He is calling for help, is he LOSING his mind. Thats not what we got from him in this episode though, it makes me think that maybe…His situation is similar to Kingers? In the way that there is SOME consciousness buried deep within him that we can maybe reach later in the show? please? I just want him to be happy…

Caine ominously snapping, before showing a clip of Jax’ trauma, then being interrupted MAKES ME THINK HE WOULD HAVE KEPT GOING WITH EVERYONE ELSE IF THAT DIDNT HAPPEN 😭 Thats complete speculation on my part, but thats the first time we ever saw a scene like that in a moment entirely revolving around Caine- where we explore TRAUMA! (especially fucked up because we’ve already established he is fully aware during this part)

(The snap having a cartoon bonk effect is really amusing though, paired with the generic circus/carnival music fills me with so much joy)

…

OVERALL.

The animation is TO DIE FOR. The music SLAPS. IM IN LOVE WITH THE SEQUENCE EVEN WITHOUT ALL THE POTENTIAL HIDDEN MEANING

[arjwrites]

— Good to know bc im here to request another Castiel x Winchester!reader (oldest sister) hehehehe...

Remember when Castiel became a human and that reaper April used him? I was thinking about the reader in her place, where she ACTUALLY likes Cas and takes care of him. The reader really loves him and doesn't care that he's a human now with no angel powers, he's still the man/angel she loves and care (I'm still mad that Dean kicked Cass out of the bunker)

It's his first time being human, he deserves some love 😞 (And I rlly need some comfort aughhh)

I think I wrote too much, sorry! It's just that I really love human Castiel, he deserved more ❤️‍🩹 — 👼 angel anon

Lessons on Humanity- Human!Castiel x Reader

Summary: Human!Cas arrives on your doorstep in need of a helping hand. Taking him under your wing, you offer him more than he bargained for.

Warnings: None (I don't think???) GN!Reader, no use of Y/N

Word Count: 3.9k

A/N: Well, this took forever. Idk why this gave me the WORST case of writer's block ever, but.... I think I just wanted it to be perfect for you, angel anon!!! I hope you enjoy hehehehehe <3333

Leaving hunting behind had been a tough decision, but leaving your brothers and Castiel behind had been even harder. But after all the years, your body screamed for rest, and your heart mourned the years of loss and trauma. It wasn’t like you had completely up and abandoned them- you still took their calls, visited the bunker from time to time, and took on many a research request (which had always been your specialty anyways). But you had grown so tired of the life. And as much as moving into the bunker had been a massive improvement from the endless series of motel rooms you’d grown up with, living in a concrete man-cave with your brothers had proven difficult. And you had always craved a home- somewhere that could be uniquely yours. This had led you to settle down into a sweet cottage, a bit off the beaten path in a quaint little town- not too far from the bunker, but far enough. It was cozy, nothing fancy by any means- two small bedrooms, a slightly outdated kitchen, and a snug little living room you had furnished with thrifted couches and a secondhand TV. What it lacked in elegance, it made up for in character. It wasn’t much, but it was home.

It was a Friday night. You had just gotten off work, ordered a pizza, popped your favorite playlist in your speakers, and were currently dancing around and vacuuming your living room. Ah, domesticities. It was always a nice feeling to be done for the weekend, to have a job you could hang up for a few days and not worry about until Monday morning rolled around. Not like hunting, with its worries that clung tight to you all hours of every day. After finishing your cleaning task, you flopped to the couch, clicking through the TV to find a suitable show to binge alongside your food. 

Two crisp knocks at the door pulled you from your search. That was quick, you thought to yourself. You practically skipped to the kitchen to grab your purse, wanting to hand the delivery driver a few extra dollars for the particularly speedy service. But when you swung the door open, more than just the chilly evening air sent a wave of shock your way. 

“Oh my God,” was about all you could whisper. In front of you stood Castiel, though he didn’t look much like his usual self. He wore a sweatshirt you didn’t recognize and had a slightly unkempt, unshaven look to him. But beyond his appearance, it didn’t feel like Cas. His shoulders were slumped over as if he was carrying the weight of them for the first time. He wore an expression so tired, so hurt, that your heart broke at the sight of it. 

“Cas, honey. What happened?” 

“I don’t have my grace. I… lost it. They told me I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want to bother you, but… I didn’t know where else to go.” 

“Oh, Cas. Come in, God, come in.” Your brow furrowed as you gestured for him to enter, concern filling your body. What had you missed? Why didn’t he have his grace? Why wasn’t he with Sam and Dean?

Cas gingerly stepped through your door, barely making it inside the threshold before turning to you, as if he was waiting to follow your lead.

“Come, come sit,” you beckoned him after you, leading him into the living room and patting a seat for him on the couch. He sat, glancing around your room before landing his gaze back to you. You could tell there was something different about him- it was like he was seeing everything around him for the first time. 

“So tell me what happened, Cas,” you hummed, gathering every ounce of soothing calm you could muster in hopes you could offer him some comfort.

Cas jumped into his story, telling you all about Metatron, the angels, and him losing his grace- all the things you had missed out on since stepping back from hunting. You nodded along, listening intently, compassionately, quietly- that is, until he told you about the events that lead him to your doorstep.

“He kicked you OUT?” You rose to your feet as he said this, unable to contain your anger in your seated posture. You felt the rage bubble from the deepest part of your stomach, rising quickly to your chest. Poor, sweet Castiel, who tries so hard and deserves so much. Cast out like he was nothing. It was enough to drive you into a blind rampage. Cas, on the other hand, remained seated, eyes fixed to the carpet, dejected. 

“I just don’t know what to do. I have all these… feelings I’m not used to.” 

“Of course you don’t, honey. It’s all so new. I’ll help you figure things out, alright?” You thought for a moment about what may be most urgent. “Cas, how long have you been human for?”

“Well, a few days now.”

“And have you eaten? Drank water? Slept?” 

“I had a candy bar.” 

“Oh, you poor thing, Cas. Look… Sit tight, I’m going to get you a glass of water, and I have food on the way. Do you like pizza? No, you don’t know if you like pizza, do you…” You let your voice trail off as you hustled to the kitchen, fixing him a glass of water and returning it to him hastily. 

Cas lifted the glass, inspecting it, before tipping it back and downing it in one go. You watched the water slide out of the cup, disappearing down his throat in record time. There was one basic need supported. 

“Alright, Cas, why don’t you sit there and relax for a little? I’m going to go make up the guest bedroom for you. Is that alright?” You tilted your head to the side to better gauge his thoughts on the matter. Cas returned you a soft smile and nodded. You let out a subtle puff of breath in relief before retreating up the stairs. 

As you grabbed bedding from the linen closet and began to stretch the fitted sheet over the mattress, you couldn’t help but allow your body to take over the menial routine, while your mind fluttered off elsewhere. The angry pit in your stomach persisted, a deepening disgust for the way the angel had been treated, including by your brothers, of all people. But nestled in your chest above your swirling stomach sat your heart, which swelled at the thought of Cas, here with you. In all honesty, he had always meant a lot to you. You had so much admiration, so much reverence for the angel- of course, now that he wasn’t exactly an angel, that didn’t change anything. That was never what it was about. You saw deeper than just Cas’s angelic power- you saw him. Grace or not, there was no changing that. This was still the same angel, the same man, the same being you had always known. Only now, he really needed someone to be there for him. And you intended to do that- slowly, surely, gently. 

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of your name being called from down the stairs. Instantly, your mind snapped to the worst-case scenario- call it a lingering hunter’s instinct. You raced down the stairs, only to find Cas perched on the couch, exactly where you had left him.

“Someone knocked on the door,” he whispered wide-eyed, as if it was some sort of intruder behind the door, waiting politely to be let in so he could go about his business.

You breathed a sigh of relief, willing yourself not to get frustrated at the poor man- he had no idea. Scared, lost, confused Castiel. 

“It’s just the pizza, sweetheart. Don’t worry,” you replied, giving him a soft smile of encouragement. 

With the pizza paid for, food on your plates, and your favorite mindless comfort show on TV, you and Cas began to settle in for the night. You and Cas. It was insane to see the angel in such a domestic setting. The two of you were sat at opposite ends of the couch, nibbling pizza in silent unison. You weren’t sure what to do or say, overwhelmed by Cas’s newfound presence, heartbroken by the things he had experienced, and overall just worried for his wellbeing. But, out of fear of pushing his limits- he had already been through so much the last few days- you fell into a comfortable silence that padded the space between you. 

That silence was broken by a yawn coming from the other end of the couch. Cas’s face contorted in a decidedly un-angelic expression, before drawing inwards in confusion. A giggle inched its way towards your lips, but you suppressed it.

“You must be tired, Cas. Let’s go up to bed,” you hummed. Quickly and efficiently, you snapped off the TV, balanced your drinking glasses and plates on top of the pizza box, and slid everything into its rightful place in the kitchen. Re-emerging to the living room, you extended a hand to Cas, pulling him up to his feet before turning to lead him up the stairs. 

“This is your room, over here,” you pointed, ducking in the door to show him around. You snapped the bedside lamp on to illuminate the space. “The bathroom is just down the hall if you need to use it. And my room is just next door, if you need anything at all.” 

Cas’s eyes scanned the room before settling back on you. He threw a tight-lipped smile, murmuring his thanks. He was bashful, certainly overwhelmed by the avalanche of human emotion and sensation he was experiencing. You really didn’t want to push it, but there was one more thing you wanted to offer him. 

Crossing the room, you pulled Cas into a hug. You felt his hands hover for a moment before he rested them across the middle of your back.

“I’m sorry, Cas. You didn’t deserve any of this. But I’m here to help you, whatever you need, okay? You deserve to have someone be there for you.” It was a desperate plea for the man to recognize his self-worth, to provide him with a bit of comfort during this terrifying transition. Your words weighed heavy in the room, anticipating a response that never came. But, you could’ve sworn you felt Cas’s shoulders dip and the muscles of his back soften into the hug. 

After a minute, you pulled away, snapping back to your lighthearted self. You wished the man a good night, retreating from the room and closing the door behind you. Crossing the hall and tucking yourself into bed, it wasn’t long before you drifted to sleep.

-

You rose early the next morning. Usually, you would stroll downstairs in your bathrobe or whatever mismatched pajamas you slept in, but this morning you hopped in the shower straight away, dressing and fixing your hair. Once you made your way down to the kitchen, you got to work pulling together a breakfast you thought Cas would enjoy- pancakes, bacon, and some fruit, all while brewing a pot of coffee. You weren’t sure he’d have much of a taste for it yet, but you certainly were in need of a cup. 

As you neared the end of your preparation, you heard the guest bedroom door swing open. Cas descended the stairs into the kitchen, somehow looking slightly more disheveled than when he had arrived on your doorstep the night before.

“Good morning, sunshine!” You offered, hoping he would take it in jest.

“Hello,” he responded. His eyes were puffed with sleep, his hair stuck up in every possible direction, face dotted with yesterday’s stubble that was inching into scruffy beard territory. Looking at him was a clear reminder that you needed to help him figure out how to clean himself up today. 

“How’d you sleep, hun?” In any other conversation, this would be a simple pleasantry, but in this case, it was an earnest inquiry.

“Not well. I think I had a dream. It was terrible,” he replied. His gaze remained vacant.

“A dream?” You thought for a moment- was it the sensation of dreaming that he wasn’t used to? Or was it a nightmare? “Tell me about it, Cas.”

“Well, I don’t remember a lot of it. I just remember I was running. And when I woke up, my heart was pounding and I was sweating and I couldn’t breathe. But I didn’t actually run- just in the dream.” 

“Oh, Cas, honey, you had a nightmare.” You approached him, reaching up a hand to run a thumb over his stubbled cheek. “If that ever happens again, you can always come into my room. I’m right next door.”

“How will that help?” He inquired.

“Well, sometimes it’s nice to talk about it, if you want. Or, sometimes it’s just nice to be around someone else, so you don’t feel like you’re facing it alone.”

His nod in response sent a surge of care through your body. Rather than sitting there, gushing over him, you figured you’d channel your worry into something productive- getting him fed. 

“Well, I made some breakfast. Have a seat, I’ll make you a plate.”

You pulled out a chair for him at the table, gesturing for him to sit down, before scrambling to pull together a plate piled high with a stack of pancakes, a few slices of bacon, and some strawberries and bananas you had carefully sliced. You rested the plate in front of him, giving him a minute to inspect it, before returning to grab food for yourself. 

“Well, what do you think? I figured chocolate chip pancakes would be a safe bet. Everyone likes chocolate chip pancakes.”

Castiel clumsily sliced another bite from the pancake, lifting it to his mouth. He chewed pensively, mulling over the question.

“How do I know if I like it?” 

You thought for a moment.

“Good question. Does it make you feel happy?”

He nodded. “I think so.”

“Well, Cas, I think you’ll find that one of the great joys of humanity is the opportunity to figure out what makes you happy. We don’t get a lot of say in what goes on down here, but we do get to pick our favorite foods, favorite colors, favorite people, and fill our lives with those. It’s the small pleasures that make the difference.”

He considered your words for a moment, before spearing another bite with his fork. You giggled to yourself. It was adorable to watch him navigate the things you took for granted with so much fascination and uncertainty- something as small as taking a bite of food required all of his concentration and contemplation.

As you sipped your coffee, you considered the task that lay before you. It was your job to teach Cas how to be human- something you wouldn’t necessarily call yourself an expert on. With hunting dominating your upbringing and occupation thus far, you certainly hadn’t had the normal human experience. But you took the challenge in stride, knowing that Cas had much to learn. 

-

Saturday had come and gone. You had spent the entire day teaching Cas a crash course in human life skills, covering important topics like brushing your teeth (which proved more difficult than you thought it would be), remembering to drink water (you struggled with this yourself most of the time), shopping (the two of you thrifted him a whole wardrobe), and anything else you could think of as you went about your usual routine. 

As the day wound down, you and Cas sat on your back porch. The emerging twilight buzzed, and a warm breeze filtered through the trees and wrapped itself around the two bodies curled up in the lawn chairs. You were tired, he was tired, so another comfortable silence had settled into its now familiar place between the two of you. You could faintly hear the sound of children laughing and a mother calling after them, voices muffled by the distance that separated you from these neighbors down the street. You smiled to yourself, and Cas took notice. 

“Thank you for helping me today,” he offered hesitantly, as if afraid to disturb your thoughts.

“Anytime, Cas.” You were still a bit lost in thought as you responded.

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Hmm?” 

“Why does being human feel so… Heavy?”

There was something about his tone of voice that snapped you out of your daze. Turning to him, you instantly recognized the worry that was weighing on him. 

“I just… I used to be a soldier. I had divine purpose. I’ve always had something to work towards, and now… I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

“Life is a complicated thing, Cas. Most people spend an entire lifetime figuring out their purpose. You may be thousands of years old, but you’ve only been doing the whole human thing for a few days. Be patient with yourself.” 

“You seem to handle it all pretty well. Leaving hunting, making a life for yourself. You have it all figured out,” he frowned.

“Want to know a secret?”

He nodded, silently, eagerly. 

“I’m not handling it well. And I don’t have it all figured out. Nobody does. That’s the whole game. That’s life. You take what you’re given and you do what you can with it. But the beauty is, you get to choose.” 

“How do I know what to choose?” 

You smiled in spite of yourself. 

“That’s the big question. No one knows what’s right for you except you.” 

Cas’s hand reached across to yours, giving it a squeeze that sent your heart aflutter. Fingers intertwined, you settled back into the evening, pensive.  

- 

Sleep that night hadn’t come easy by any means. What had started as worry had now spiraled into full-on anxiety, warding you away from slipping into sleep. Each time you closed your eyes, your mind drifted down the hall to Castiel, separated from you by nothing more than a dozen footsteps and couple pieces of drywall. It was as if you could feel his inner turmoil. And beyond that, your heart ached for the man. All you wanted to do was go to him, be with him, comfort him. But the fear that you were taking advantage of his newly human state still plagued you, so you lingered rigid and sleepless in your bed. Just as you rolled over to attempt comfort and hopefully find some sleep, there was the faintest knock at your door- so quiet, you barely registered it. 

At first, you weren’t sure if you had actually heard the sound, but when the noise was followed by slow footsteps shuffling away, you snapped up in bed.  

“Cas! Come in,” you called. After a second, the door swung open.

“I had another one. A nightmare.” Cas spoke matter of factly, and yet, very soft and reserved. He lingered in your doorway, timid, waiting for you to give your blessing on his entrance.

“Oh, come in, sweetheart. Come sit.” You patted the space beside you, the noise muffled by the thick, fluffy comforter. Cas made his way into a seated position on the bed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” you asked, hesitant to pry but insistent on providing support.

“No.” His response was tense and succinct without being rude- you knew he was processing a lot of feelings, and wanted to give him grace.

“That’s okay. Would you like some time to think through it? Or would you like to be distracted?” 

“I’m not sure.”

“Take your time. I’m here.” 

There was a beat of silence. Giving him space was your top priority, as much as you wanted to leap across the bed and into his arms. 

“Maybe, distracted?”

“Sure thing. I’ll put on a movie, we can watch for a bit.” You snatched the remote from the table beside you, flipping through a few movies you thought Cas may enjoy, before settling on a lighthearted Disney movie. Your finger pressed play and adjusted the volume to a dull hum. 

You watched for a while in silence. As the movie was picking up, breaking out into a cheerful musical number, your eyes darted to Cas. Expecting to see him enamored by the animated wonderland, you were taken aback when his eyes locked with yours instantly. It was like he had been looking at you the whole time. 

“Hey, Cas.” He wouldn’t look away, and the eye contact was entrancing.

“Hi.” His voice was gruff, a mix of sleep and something else you weren’t entirely sure of, though you were starting to get an idea. 

“How are you doing?” 

“Better, now. Because I’m with you.” His words sent a wave of warmth through your body as you felt yourself inching closer to him, subconsciously. Clearly, he felt the same pull, as you both shifted to face each other directly. 

“Can I ask you about another feeling?” He was usually bashful with his questions, but this time, his voice was steady. His eyes were fixed on you with an almost palpable intensity, a kind of focus that made you fidget, suddenly so aware of yourself. 

“Of course,” you responded. He was now just inches away from your face. 

“What is this feeling I get when I’m this close to you?” His words were slow and genuine, and yet in some ways, it seemed like he already knew.

“What do you mean?” 

“It feels a lot like the nightmare. My heart beats fast and I can’t breathe. But it’s… Different. It’s good. I like it.” His eyes flickered as the words melted you.

He was so close to your face you could feel each breath tickle your nose and lips, as if pressing gentle precursors to tease you into taking the next step.

“Can I try something else you might like?” You could barely speak above a whisper.

He began to nod, lifting his head, but before he could complete the motion, all your defenses came crashing down, and you melted together- lips and limbs intertwining as one. And for the first time since becoming human, Castiel truly felt peace.

-

There’s something special about humanity. Sure, it has its ups and downs. There’s pain, fear, grief, death. Cas knew all those things already. They were what scared him most when he lost his grace. But he could have never known this, without experiencing it for himself. 

The early hours of the morning crept into the bedroom. Everything about the room was warm and soft- a kind of heaven that rivaled even the real thing. Cas watched as the rays of sun slipped through the window to kiss your skin softer, sweeter, more intimately than he ever had. Yet. 

There were many things about being human he hadn’t been prepared for. He had lost purpose, drive, direction. When he was first stripped of his grace, it had felt like his newfound heartbeat was mocking him with every pulse. But now? That heart served to pump more than just blood through his veins. His heart beat for you. His whole angelic life, he had been guided by divine word, but nothing had ever felt as holy as you, here, sleeping in his arms. You had taught him humanity, alright. And now, he finally had the chance to do something, to feel something, to experience something more beautiful than he could’ve ever imagined. He could love you.

Cas let the sounds of your breathing lull him back to sleep.

[hers-underwraps]

Why Dashi is my favourite character 🩷

This is something I've been wanting to talk about for awhile. I've been putting it off because I typically like to keep my posts lighthearted and fun. Also, this is kinda a personal thing for me lol. However I just think it's important to get it out there.

————————————————————————

Feelings around Dashi in the Octonauts community are so mixed, some people enjoy her whilst other have a pure hatred for Dashi. Unfortunately, there is a large majority that holds that hatred in their hear or people that like her but only for her aesthetic. Hence this is why I wanted to get my thought of why I valued her out there as someone who values her deeply for her character.

Dashi has always been someone I've idolised. As a young girl, she was the epitome of a woman. She was able to exist as someone confident in what her passion was, someone who actively engaged in fields such as coding and engineering, she could lead her crew and be a daredevil. She was also able to be confident in her femininity, she could love pink, and she could love photography and her music. She's an older sister (and a really good one at that), she can be a little silly and she could hold quality/unique relationships with other members of the team. She was also able to accomplish all of this authentically. She wasn't considered a rare exception in the show, this was just considered the norm and it was honestly something I envy so much.

This was something that I took away from the main series of the Octonauts.

That's what she meant to me from the limited screen time that she got. I remember watching the damselfish episode and thinking omg this is the coolest thing ever. Or that episode where they made the tiny camera of the worm and glued it back together. The manta-ray episode where she was so determined to achieve her goal. She held quality relationships with several members. Seriously one of my favourite Dashi moments with the others was her running off with kwazii in the Siphonophore episode. She was always a central member in leading the team and was confident in her leadership/decisions. A few I remember off the top of my head were the episode where they needed a new bubble generator, that one episode where half the crew got beached and she and kwazii were working to get them back or the surfing snail episode. Also I know this isn't from the OG series but I really like her in the ring of fire and San Actun specials (I refuse to watch the Great Barrier Reef special so idk what was happening there)

This was how I interpreted her character before I found out there was a spin-off series that put her in a central role, which honestly was awesome to me because it just affirmed my interpretation of Dashi. It affirmed that my way of interpreting her was not just in my head. Everything she meant to me was real.

This is what made it more heartbreaking for me when I found out that there were so many people who hated her role in both the original and spinoff series. These people thought her role was forced, that her character choices were off and that she was just another mary-sue.

I think a lot of people fail to see one of the main reasons as to why Dashi is an important character to the people that do value her.

This stems from how important representation is for young people. The original series was released back in 2010. Looking at this era contextually, sexism in everyday life was still a massive problem. Stereotypical traditional roles were heavily enforced in media and everyday life. Basic rights for women were largely failing to be met. Even though things have improved a little bit since then, sexism is still a massive issue that affects every woman. So you can imagine how much it meant to the young girls watching this show to see an autonomous and feminine character being able to achieve so much.

Even though she was a side character in the main series, she was who you looked at, I mean how could you not? Just looking at her aesthetically she is quite literally the only one with a stereotypical "feminine" colour palette. She was the only girl on the crew that presented in a traditionally feminine way.

Then you're probably thinking but what about tweak? Well yes, she was absolutely a groundbreaking character too. However, she is presented in such a masculine way that I don't always feel like she has the same impact that Dashi does. She was original going to be a man and she is aired as a man in other translations of The Octonauts (the Russian one off the top of my head). She is as typically "feminine" as Dashi, she honestly lacks any of those qualities. NOTE: (NO HATE TO TWEAK OR GIRLS WHO ARE LIKE HER, I LOVE TWEAK AND MASC GIRLIES)

This is important to me because when I was younger I believed that in order to have a passion in fields that were considered more "masculine" such as science or mathematics you had to reject femininity. That stereotype was so heavily pushed on me and it was genuinely so damaging. I felt that I had to reject everything feminine and I did. I remember getting reprimanded and told "I'm barely even a woman" for my interests. I always felt that I had to sacrifice a part of myself and it was genuinely such a depressing way to be. Sometimes its so bad that I just has breakdowns because I feel I don't belong and I always have that impending feeling of doom that I ever will. I always feel so isolated because I genuinely found it so hard to find other women who shared that interest. On the rare chance I did find someone, they were cases similar to Tweak, girls that had rejected and demonised all feminity to the point where they were basically considered dudes.

This is still something I struggle with so much today. Yes, a girl can enter into a STEM field without being burnt at the stake but there's still so very few. I'm sitting in physics and mathematics classes where I'm effectively the only girl there. Female scientists are never talked about and I'm by other teachers as a rare exception. I still struggle to feel as if I can exist as both feminine and as someone who can be passionate about STEM. Being feminine is so demonised and intimidating in those fields due to the sheer lack of representation, you feel as if it's necessary to conform to a more masculine demeanour. On the flip side, having a genuine passion for STEM is so freaky in the eyes of other girls. If I try and talk about something remotely related to that, I feel as if they're about to hurl tomatoes at me so I never talk about it. It feels like I can never exist authentically and fully as myself, some days I feel like I lose myself, like I don't belong. I value being feminine I really do. I've always been passionate about feminism, I love the colour pink, pretty things and I like presenting that way. But I also love STEM I'm so passionate about it. I just wish there was a way that I could exist as both.

This is why I idolise Dashi so much. She is what I want to be. She's confident in her femininity and confident in her career. She doesn't; need to sacrifice this to achieve her goals. She can exist in a male-dominated crew (which is a realistic scenario for an irl workplace in those fields) without changing that about her. She isn't treated as a rare exception but just valued a normal part of the team.

She is a Stargirl to so many young girls. She exists as an autonomous and bright character, she isn't entirely defined by just her career or gender but she actively represents both. She's realistic, she's flawed, and she grows so much throughout the series and I think her growth is then appreciated in the spin-off. In a world that's lacking authentic representation in both media and so many male-dominated fields, it's so important to realise the innate value of these characters.

So that's why Dashi is my favourite character. She means the world to me.

She always has and always will 🩷

[verysmallcyborg]

Then vs Now

tagged by @elliewiltarwyn (thank you!!!! <3)

tagging. uhh. ngl i have no idea who has and hasn't been tagged already so @oneiroy + anyone that sees this that wants to do it :)

get ready for an emotional rollercoaster scoob....! november 2022

december 2023

december 2024

hope you love reading about just how much they've changed over time!!! wheeeee

did you know? it took me 4 tries (and a massive d2 burnout lmfao) to fully get into xiv, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY..... changing fornax's hair from white -> black with grey streaks & their face markings from red to orange, to better match their eyes. originally i tried to replicate their d2 exo design into xiv.... did not vibe super well with it in the end

their lore and backstory has changed a lot, but this has been significantly more solidified with a huge thanks to sharing one with ryss in a two wol universe...!

originally was just a femroe, now an au roe, which has been such a fun and interesting journey, and has played an important role in their backstory

used to use mars bulky for all of 2023 and a good chunk of 2024, but changed some time after DT to use a private body that onei did that gives them a fat, strong body (especially with the help of c+, wowie zowie dude their scaling is putting in WORK. and idk it just feels right for fornax to have that build and they're even hotter than before. it suits them perfectly!!!)

i dipped into frontlines in 2023 i think. and something possessed me ever since, looks away,

met LOTS of wonderful folks in the xiv community, primarily from tumblr (some on twitter, some on bsky), what great timing bc i had stopped perceiving tumblr for years beforehand. there's something nice about being able to share my joy and love of fornax with other's, and being able to learn about so many other wol's too...!

anyways. fornax. tiny jaw scales went to bigger ones and give the impression of mutton chops/sideburns, had a bit of body hair but basically gave them a forest on their stomach + added some chest hair, improved face and top scars (and gave em more body scars in general), eyebags and crows feet, and has a tail closer to how i draw it. they got even more of an undercut, and improved tiny horns. this butch ain't smooth as butter, you understand...! oh better slits too lmao. they've had A LOT of tiny adjustments the past few months....

basically fornax became the embodiment of Extremely Gender. to me. living vicariously through her

[ghostofbambifanfiction]

CYOA

You know what screw it, I wanted to finish chapter 59 today but I feel horrible and it's just not going to happen so for now you can have this completed scene under the cut with my great affection love love peace peace feel free to react as it'll make me happy etc. etc.

Private WhatsApp Chat Resumed: Friday 18th March, 2022, 07:57 Members: Lily Evans, James Potter

================================

James Potter: i think it's pretty amazing that you and beatrice know the exact date that you first met when you were two

Lily Evans: Lollllll Hello to you too

James Potter: although idk how sirius would react if we knew and i suggested celebrating that hello, also beautiful hello beautiful is what i meant to say

Lily Evans: Suave of you.

James Potter: i'm only just having my first coffee of the day, alright? give me five minutes and i'll be on my game

Lily Evans: I suppose I can allow you five minutes. We didn't always know, but my mum's been journaling every day for most of her life, so a few years back we did a little detective work and it turns out she'd written about my first day at Little Tots. We've done something for our anniversary every year since, but she's blown my gift out of the water this time around.

James Potter: why, what was your gift?

Lily Evans: I bought her a ladyship. She's Lady Beatrice Booth now. Officially. Incredibly it only costs £30 and you get a tiny plot of land in Cumbria with it. I gave the pack to her housemate to leave out today so she'll get a huge kick out of it when she gets home later.

James Potter: how ironic is it that you got her a ladyship and i was looking into getting her canonised earlier

Lily Evans: Lol why?

James Potter: because i really really really liked that video, evans

Lily Evans: I see. I see. I see. Not embarrassed about you having seen that AT ALL. Although I suppose I don't have a right to be embarrassed when I've seen all of your childhood photos, do I? It was probably about time that you saw some of mine.

James Potter: what would you have to be embarrassed about? you were an adorable child i loved watching you grow up on an instagram reel with, inexplicably, flo rida's musical accompaniment

Lily Evans: Lollllllllll I know that probably seems like a weird choice, but it was our go-to dance song when we were eighteen. And on that note, I was a very awkward teenager, as you've now seen.

James Potter: almost everyone on earth was an awkward teenager and the ones who weren't awkward peaked in their teens, so think of how they've suffered since then although i guess sirius is the exception anyway you say you were awkward, but fifteen year old me would have been DESPERATE for fifteen year old you's attention

Lily Evans: Oh, you say that now.

James Potter: no i would have been and i wouldn't have gotten it because as we've previously established i was a prick when i was fifteen so if i'd gone to school with you i still would have been a prick, but a prick who wanted your attention and did all manner of stupid things to get it i would have driven you mad

Lily Evans: Twenty-seven year old you wants my attention and I've not been driven mad over it once, to be fair.

James Potter: twenty-seven year old me has much improved with age and is more deserving of it you however have been a delight your whole life which i now have visual proof of hence i'll be calling your best mate saint lady beatrice from now on

Lily Evans: I wasn't a delight my whole life, I promise you. As a child I was a precocious little shit who thought she knew everything and couldn't be told otherwise. That's why I got into so many scrapes, doing stupid, dangerous things because I couldn't just listen to my mother when she told me "no, Lily, that's dangerous." I was like a working class Peppa Pig, honestly, no wonder my sister couldn't hack being around me half the time. So you're not the only one who has much improved with age. And fifteen year old me would have had a massive crush on fifteen year old you, BELIEVE me.

James Potter: oh really?

Lily Evans: Would I have let you know about it? Absolutely not. But it still would have been there.

James Potter: you mean like the crush you've had on me this whole time?

Lily Evans: I already have to get you back for some nonsense you pulled yesterday, Potter, so I'd advise you not to pile on and add this to the list.

James Potter: lollllllll

Lily Evans: I'm serious!

James Potter: oh i'm sure you are to which i say go on then do it

Lily Evans: I will do it.

James Potter: you go right ahead i can handle it

Lily Evans: You're being very cocky right now and while I can't pretend I don't like it, it'll also prove to be your downfall later.

James Potter: we'll see, we'll see

Lily Evans: We will see.

James Potter: whatever you need to tell yourself, sweetheart

Lily Evans: I think the fifteen year old you has taken over the controls in your head, mate.

James Potter: he probably has, yeah but what can i say he's really chuffed about your crush on me

Lily Evans: You mean the crush you've decided I have that I haven't confirmed?

James Potter: right, yeah, of course, clearly i'm the one in the wrong here still sleeping in my bed, are you?

Lily Evans: I have to go do a work thing now.

James Potter: oh, sure, that old excuse

[artyphex]

Hey, I didn't know where to send this but I'd really like to hear you talk about this: https://www.tiktok.com/@limustslime/video/7524515995705150750?_t=ZM-8xrzQiTbR6m&_r=1

The person made a criticism about loser baby and Angel's representation of SA (the person who made this video is a victim of SA) all good but I feel like I forgot several things about the song and the show

Honestly I would let this slide if this person wasn't the same one who went to a con event with fans of the show and brought a printed image of the video thumbnail and had Alex Brightman sign it, sorry but this is just weird behavior to me 

Idk, it just kind of bothers me that them are posting this like it's nothing and like it wasn't something that made fans and Alex in general uncomfortable (Even if Alex signed it, it's still weird behavior to me)

Sorry if what I'm sending you isn't worth it or if it's a bother to you, I just want to know your opinion on this (Obviously if you want, I don't force you) 

Hi! So I've actually addressed this on TikTok before, but I'll do it again here since you took the time to send this

The long and short of it is: As an SA victim as well, I sympathize with the pain of seeing a representation of an experience you have been through that feels as though it is lessening your pain rather than representing it. That's something that stirs up a lot of anger and frustration that you deserve to release in a healthy outlet- but I do not think this is a healthy outlet

The video itself, while I disagree with what it's saying, is fine. But printing out the thumbnail, which has a very upsetting image on it, to bring to a convention to be signed by an actor that does not have anything to do with this storyline at all but IS very beloved by the fanbase of the show you're criticizing is not a healthy outlet. And it doesn't speak well of this person's intentions. Is it really to criticize a genuine problem, or, do they just want to stir up controversy for attention in and around this massive fandom? It could very well be a mix of both, and it probably is

Point being: I find this behavior very strange, while I can understand that this is likely a subject they are genuinely passionate about, the act of taking it out of the fandom space and to the actors is too far. The fact that they chose this actor rather than Viv or Blake who are at least related to the Angel Dust storyline reads as more preformative than a genuine desire to improve SA representation, and that just leaves a bad taste in my mouth

[unma]

I'm not going to be able to write my typical long rambles for a bit (need to catch up on important work), but here's a short list of things I wanna talk about with the latest canto.

Spoilers, of course.

The entire Canto taking place after the ending of Don Quixote (the first Don, I will not call him the Actual Don because our Don is as much Don Quixote as he is) is not something I expected, but makes so much sense and made for a wonderful story. There are themes of identity, struggling to live under a broken system and GOD THE FAMILIAL TIES. THE FIGHT AGAINST THE TWO MIDBOSSES + THE PRIEST HAD SUCH MAGNIFICENT STORY BUILD UP. AND THE PRIEST'S ENTIRE MOVESET. UGGGH I WANNA TALK ABOTU IT

Hey. Outis. What did you mean by that. We all know what I'm talking about, right? This is the first time I know of that she's actually given even a smidge of info about herself somewhat directly. Somewhat. Everything else is just in how she knows things and acts. Here she is asking a very specific question and god, I need to know more about her now.

Good job Sinclair. And everyone else. But good job Sinclair.

Vergilius with Sanson's face/mask is cursed.

I continue to feel so so bad for the Bloodfiends. They did the best they could in a world that gave them only two horrible options. I couldn't help but compare La Manchaland to the Tokyo Ghoul:RE ending, because the hemobars reminded me of the artificial meat, except in TG:RE it worked and here, well. We saw how that went. I think it's a great idea to start with the after of their solution; this isn't a situation with a possible solution, they tried that and failed. Who knows if there is one that works? Does it matter now that they're all dead?

I'm going to be very weird about Camille once this is all said and done, but I do want to note that the pretty boy being turned into a flower and having a name very clearly gotten from Carmilla the flower (and maybe the book? Haven't read it yet so idk if he's taken from there) is very cheeky. I still wish I could've besting him up myself. This isn't me critiquing the writing, this is me being weird.

The QTE in the ending cutscene of the boss fight was cool and really added to the feeling of fighting against and overcoming a clearly superior foe.

I wanna hug Don Quixote the First. He's such a ray of sunshine and deserved better. Even if he was somewhat delusional, at least he genuinely cared for his family.

What happened to Hong Lu's sister? Did she just vanish? I didn't notice until later on, so I'll probably need to go back and check myself.

Bari is the Librarian of Death (edit: Nameless Bookhunter, thanks for the correction AE)? Idfk and idc for now. If Bari ends up showing up again or a moot of mine decides they wanna talk about it, maybe I'll look into it.

The familial themes here are most certainly also going to be related to Hong Lu's story, which once more is a reason I really should get to reading all the books for this game.

Ryoshu accepting death from the possibility of fighting Don Qui the second was really funny.

The abno fights here are really good, and I love how Limbus is making unbreakable coins the standard from now on. Makes it so you can't just blaze through fights taking no damage, and these battles genuinely feel difficult. That's good. Their designs and mechanics are also pretty easy to understand and match with their ego gifts pretty well. God I wish we had more Rupture ids that could stack as much count as the Lasso abno.

Sancho fight was cool as hell. The clashable 10 speed skill was so good and made it feel like a massive improvement on the Cassetti fight. So good. On use coin power did mess me up a little given it doesn't show up in the clash numbers, but that was on me for not reading tbh.

Fun fact: final boss can be Meatlantern soloed really easily. So easy in fact that that's how I cleared it. Doing it with a full team didn't end well for me. The solo's also really consistent, which is nice.

Mili song is really good. As usual. I need to go listen to it again. I need an in-game mix. I need it. The childishness of Sancho's side of the tune compared with the seriousness of first Don's side is lovely.

Also. Please, in the final clash where you use Don's base ego. I hope you looked at the name of the ego and the name of Don the First's attack. Please. It's such a good detail. And it's so much better when you remember that Sancho was always the one making weapons for Don. He calls Sancho's lances much more graceful than his. It's so lovely. You can tell these two genuinely love each other. It's so good.

Also the fact that basically every fixer we went in with got wiped out by weakened Bloodfiends really shows just how powerful these bloodfiends are. Camille had to resort to using ego gear to survive. Sheesh.

That'll be all for now. Expect a long ramble on any of these points when I'm more free, aka never.

[lizardcatana]

yamcha, because i like him

first post in a while, because ive been tired and this month has kinda sucked

ive been with a massive creative block but have been trying to work nonetheless

this drawig is fine and it was fun too make, i feel like ive yassified him too much but idrc

started reading dragon ball and hes pretty cool

my favourite part of the drawwing is the emblem on his chest, idk what it says but i can fix that easily, well right now lemme see, oh it generally means music, cool

i hope i get back into the speed of drawing, its fine

this drawing is mediocre, but its fine

a bunch of drawings i made over this month, all of these are unfinished or are simple sketches, most of these i made for a weekly challenge in a server which im in which honestly has been really fun ad keeping my drawing spirit together

working on a project and realising you just arent up to it at this point is one of the worst feelings possible

imma try to get back into speed, and imma try to improve in my skills

[ganondoodle]

see im not trying to fish for sympathy but i really do feel like i have been "regressing" massively in my art/art process, every little doodle takes me ages longer and immensely more effort than ever before and the results are largely worse than before, something feels WRONG with me for months now and idk what it is

even the obvious like the stress of feeling like a helpless cog in a dying maschine cant be the only reason for this, although my memory is spotty of that time, i dont think i have ever struggled this much with drawing even when i was actively depressed to a point of being suicidal which i would say has been the absolut worst time of my life so far

i dont feel like myself struggeling with doing even a few lines for HOURS and HOURS for months and months on end now- im not saying all my art is shit, some practice does stay but this little progress, this .. not having fun at all bc you feel disconnected from yourself like you cant even control your hand anymore to make even the most practiced moves you USED to be able to do, feeling stunted and held back somehow, it feels alien to me, its annoying and frustrating and so very different from the usual 'art low' where your sight increases in skill and your mechanical skills have to catch up making you feel like you are regressing even though you are clearly improving, this feels DIFFERENT and no matter what different approach i take, what break i take, it doesnt change

i hate these feelings and i hate making these posts, i hate this STRUGGLE but i swear something is OFF and i wish i could work like i used to, not just for my sake and peace of mind but for you guys too.

[honeytonedhottie]

embodying the wellness girlie aesthetic⋆.ೃ࿔*:･🎀

i rly love the pink pilates princess aesthetic so i thought i'd make a post on some habits that i've incorporated that rly fit this aesthetic. and improve my wellness in general.

THE PLAYLIST : for the pink pilates princess aesthetic i rly love to listen to music that makes me feel like a doll~ so the playlist aspect of this post is totally customizable and just suited to however u wanna feel. i listen to a lot of twice and sabrina carpenter when i work out. but listening to music just elevates the experience

THE NUTRITION : u dont have to do a complete 180 in the things that u consume, instead start implementing little by little, foods and drinks that'll improve ur health. bcuz u glow differently when ur glowing not only from the outside but the inside as well

kombucha - i totally recommend trying it if u haven't before. its kind of carbonated and u can get it in any flavors. kombucha in a nutshell is tea thats been fermented. it heals ur gut and contains lots of probiotics which are good for ur body in general

drink tea - drinking tea daily is so so so good for you. if ur a bit intimidated by tea start off with a tea 99% of people enjoy, spearmint/peppermint tea. idk many people who DONT like spearmint tea. its just an easy tea to enjoy and its RLY good for ur skin and ur body.

smoothies - look up smoothie recipes online! smoothies are so yummy and customizable so if u dont wanna directly consume ur veggies, you can get them in through a drink! its revolutionary. my go-to is strawberry and banana, bcuz its not only delicious and good for me, but its also pink which is the main reason

eat more salads, açai bowls, eat ur oats, drink ur smoothies and of course dont forget ur matcha

supplements - u can find wellness vitamins or supplements virtually anywhere. a brand that i rly recommend is ollie. im taking their hair skin and nails vitamins and they're lovely.

THE EXERCISE : if u go to youtube and look up follow along pilates workouts u can find SO many. use ur resources guys! if u try pilates and it isnt rly ur thing, try dance workouts or workouts for songs. try a workout challenge. working out doesn't have to be dull. the key is to find something that u enjoy doing and doing it consistently

SELF CARE : ofc the pink pilates princess prioritizes her self care time~ self care is just a good habit to incorporate period bcuz of the massive benefits on ur mental + physical + emotional state

do a face mask - hydrate ur skin guys

get ur nails done - the classic pink pilates princess nails are pale pinks and french tips

take a bubble bath - invest in a high quality bath bomb or bubble mixture that smells nice

invest in a gua sha

start oiling ur hair and putting in hair masks to keep ur hair healthy

write out what ur grateful for (self care isnt only physical)

GOING FOR WALKS : going for walks is amazing. walking improves cardiovascular health and reduces the chances of heart disease and strokes. i love to go for walks and listen to music or a podcast. just make sure that your walking in a safe space or with someone that u trust, especially if ur alone (stay safe <3) going for walks also helps clear ur thoughts!!

ATTIRE : buy clothes that make u feel cute and that make u feel good whilst working out! i like to wear a lot of pink when working out~ when i type pink pilates princess inspired outfits into pinterest i see a lot with leg warmers too! i think that having a cute outfit to workout in motivates u a lot to actually perform the actions and embody the wellness girlie aesthetic. cuz when u look the part -> u feel the part

and last but not least ENJOY urself and romanticize it, have fun <3

[tehsacredeggo]

Hey I have EDS and dysautonomia here are some things that really improved my quality of life, feel free to add :)

-my cane. I use it for balance and some support. If you feel a mobility aid would help I’d definitely look into it because there are so many types for different needs

-heating pad. Relaxes stiff joints, relaxes muscles, helps bloodflow. Get a good wide one if you can.

-pregnancy pillow. Support on all sides of your body. There’s a really good video by the Fibro Guy explaining EDS and sleep, but in general I’ve found that with a pregnancy pillow you can relieve stress on any joint pretty much AND it gives you access to more stable sleeping positions. Pretty easy to sew for yourself as well, but they exist online.

-compression socks. Increases bloodflow out of legs which can help with presyncope/syncope, swelling, pain, discoloration, the whole shabang. Feels like my legs are floating on a cloud

-cold showers. This is so awful as like a basic thing but I don’t feel faint in the shower at all anymore and it’s a massive improvement for just being able to do things.

-salt pills/tabs. If you don’t like salting your food till it’s practically at home in the ocean I would recommend literal pills full of salt. I take one before I work out/am going to walk or stand a lot and i would say it literally reduced my presyncope symptoms by half

-testosterone. This is not a thing most people will want, let alone necessarily have access to, but if you’re transmasc or smth and have dysautonomia and/or EDS and are considering going on T it literally changed my life. You get more blood for your brain and more muscles to stabilize your joints and more sweat to thermoregulate. The relief is amazing.

-braces. Not the teeth kind but if you can get your hands on those like splint looking things for your worst joints it can be a really nice thing to have on a bad day.

-an absurd amount of water. Not in the “your symptoms are just dehydration” way but in the way of if you have dysautonomia you probably need so much more water than a typical human. Guidelines are 80-100 ounces DAILY for an average sized person with dysautonomia. Also majorly reduced my Time Spent Vomiting but idk any statistics for that one. Bonus points if you put electrolyte powder in there.

-CBD balm? Weirdly? Feels cold but very effective. Some places sell it for pretty cheap. I like wildflower but it’s intense so use that shit SPARINGLY.

-kindness. So corny but have empathy for yourself. It’s hard to internalize that being disabled disables you and holding oneself to able-bodied standards won’t help.

I hope this helps at least one person <3 I hope you sleep well and have a low pain day tomorrow

[br1ghtestlight]

i saw the rankingand now i wanna hear your thoughts on the trophy and tissues friendship. they're like creatures to me

LMAO I FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS BEFORE they really are such fascinating specimens

i feel like their relationship doesn't really work if you're protraying trophy as like. a big mean abusive boyfriend or whatever and tissues as a uwu soft boy babie cuz thats boring stereotypical AND inaccurate to who they actually are as people. but many trophy/tissues shippers are guilty of this.......

the thing is they're both such Miserable creatures with no friends or social life. NOBODY likes them. trapped in a closet together for 6 months and then forced to be roommates. just two massive haters who gossip about everyone else at hotel oj and are surprised when people dont like them. they're perfect for each other <3

i think they'd actually get along if trophy was able to look past tissues illness and talk to him like a person. he'd realize they're both haters & losers. i can imagine them watching tv together in their bedroom and just making fun of every show they watch "ironically" but they both end up getting wayy too into it. and i do believe trophy would actually begin to care for tissues and worry about him when he's not as self-obsessed. guy whos DEEPLY concerned with tissues health voice Tissues you haven't taken your vitamin supplements yet today omg. you have LOW IRON you need to take your pills!!! you're lucky you have me around to remember or else you'd die. and tissues is like (waking up from nap) .....whaht

trophy is also very much instagram health bro coded so he'd have all these freak ass disgusting egg spinach smoothies in the morning and offers it to tissues cuz it might help and tissues is like. Im going to give you five seconds to get that shit out of my goddamn face

tissues really does not seem like he'd have an issue telling trophy to fuck off and die which is something trophy DESPERATELY needs in his life. but they're both kinda grouchy hateful people so i think they'd just end up enabling their bad behavior towards everyone else at hotel oj and becoming like catty mean girls in their own social clique. but i doubt anyone would really be that concerned except maybe suitcase or soap would try to save him idk. sometimes u and your buddy just socially isolate yourselves and continue to be assholes who do not improve or grow in any meaningful way and thats okay ^_^ <33

[mysteryanimator]

ANIMATION BREAKDOWN PROCESS OF THIS LETS GO (Sorry for any grammatical errors!)

SCRIPT/STORYBOARD: (you can watch here)

Now THIS. The script was very weak because I wanted to board immediately, so it started strong then fell off at the end (also generally I'm not a stronger writer, which haha fics my beloved). Now I know this, spending more time simmering with the script will genuinely only 1) stronger compositions for storyboards 2) it will be so much faster to board. Like I can board fast, but I can board fast AND well if I sit with the idea a bit longer. This will be a massive running theme how I like my shots earlier rather than further in.

side note I LIKE PANEL 11 A LOT, I just feeI didn't translate it well enough into animation which sucks because its a pretty panel and you get a softer moment from Olrox which I found was important to get across.

Also at some point, the 180 rule (which keeps characters on like one line behind the camera... not sure if I worded that right) gets broken and it bugged me for AGES but decided I had to just move on LOL.

These are my thumbnails b4 I go to animatic/cleaned storyboards which are SO MESSY (I'm a lot better at annotating my thumbs now LOL). The original prompt was top service blood bag x powerbottom vampire and i don't think i portrayed that well enough throughout BUT i think the intro did a good establishment. Which fun fact, this was scrapped but there was actually 20 seconds of Mizrak eyeing Olrox "What is it like? Blood?" Then Olrox leans down and commences the thigh glide.

These backgrounds are a mix of texture-bashing (walls/floors) along with some good ol' painting materials from scratch. Also, these are olddd and I can do a lot better yay, but was a good test to see how to make a consistent-ish scene.

ANIMATION: (You can watch the rough anim here)

I'll be super upfront how I don't like most of it AHHA. From starting this in July to posting this in September, I've improved a lot since then.

Since this was a bit ago, I don't remember too much but I remember going ham onto learning material from Dong Chang and animation servers. However in all honesty I think this was only really applied to the earlier shots. I got super frustrated with my "slow speed" so I tried to jump ship and do cleans super early on, which like lets be honest- pumping out two rough anims a day with uni on top is not slow idk what I was on about. This ended up giving me MORE work during the line/colour stage PFFT because I would end up correcting my mistakes in my roughs. Like Myst stop, this is for fun and you're learning, please take it easy LOLOL.

COMPOSITING:

Working on compositing this time around was slightly different, and I'll also admit it is not my favorite composite I've done (and again, I like my earlier shots then my later shots). My after-effects layers looked insane keeping track of the highlight glows on their clothes BUT it definitely paid off. Skin tones however were SO DIFFICULT (mostly in part to the fact I decided to experiment with how I approached it, so it definitely skewed how I worked with this)

I also definitely struggled between the dreamy look and keeping it clean and crisp, and while the dreamy blurred aesthetic does work in some cases, I opted out for the sake of clarity.

Beloved edge light my friend. It's making me learn SUPER late into it how I probably should have planned out a third shadow pass since edge light at the point is a crutch and I think planning it out ahead would get nicer more precise shadows LOL.

Because I brain rotted so hard for this animation I actually commissioned two people to help me work on this! I'll briefly talk about their stuff but please check out their work!

MUSIC: Astralbardkeep

Due the fact I don't have voiceactors, and I had a very specific vision in mind, I decided to go "you know what, let me be super self-indulgent". I had a lot of notes and inspirations for the music, BUT i wanted to have Olrox's theme from the original games peek through, which you will notice happens at the bite AND at the end.

TITLE CARD: Hataui0

This might've seemed overkill, but this friend of mine is very talented at making graphics/typography to suit the requirements of each individual project. (Also a secret ploy to make him make nocturne fanart /lh). So that entire end bit, he illustrated it along with that title, in which the themes I bestowed him were Mucha and Gothic art.

Thank you for reading if you got this far! Suffice to say this was supposed to be a compare and contrast between the animation I did in February, and while I may not quite find this body of work up to my normal standards, it substantial amount of improvement, which is the most important thing here! With the ten billion other things in my life going on, I can only be happy with the progress thus far :D

February on the left/September on the right