#which i have to imagine was related to another dream that i cant remember??

[tendercoretroglodyke]

I dreamt the latest ep of doctor who was a literal board game sent out to each and every viewer. and so many people were mad bc the prev episode had hinted at being a 2-parter that would bring back a beloved classic-era character and then it wasn't that. and i was so ready to pick up this game and join the hate train but once I started playing i was like oh shit this is actually cool as fuck...

it was a single-player logic (escape-the-room style logic) game that actually ran about the length of an episode and had a plot arc built into it, with the materials including a small unfoldable game board, prompt cards with dialogue from the characters, set of dice, some little crystal tokens to collect, and other kind of. 'puzzle box'-type doodads to solve using the clues you unraveled. like YOU'RE the guest-companion of the episode... oh it was so fun and it was somehow suited for all (well, most) ages, like no matter your age it was challenging but doable and made you feel so fucking smart once you figured it out.

doctor who production team, if you're reading this.... I am available for consultations. dm me

[reflections-in-a-critical-eye]

i would love to see jimin doing the vogue beauty secrets video as part of his promo lol i have dreams and i don't see it that impossible because jin did as promo that video with gq of things i cant live without thats also popular on youtube

I'm a fan of What's In My Bag series. I'm fascinated by what people take with themselves. I always think that half of it is nonsense and maybe added just for show, but it's still fun.

Jimin could do Vogue beauty secrets. Remember that episode from ITS when he forgot his suitcase and he only arrived with an entire backpack full of skincare products? Jimin, tell us your secrets.

Now, I'm trying to imagine Jimin on different shows. Think of that Vogue 73 questions which is absolutely ridiculous, but it would be good for more simple questions that are only about him in no relation to the group.

Another one would be the Architectural Digest, which is a pleasure of mine, I love watching celebrities showing off their houses and in return being able to figure out how many actually use that space and if it has any personality. In Jimin's case, I can't even picture what style he is into? A minimalist? Mid Century? How much personality is there? Or he's more into comfort than style? I bet he has a bar with a variety of alcohol and perhaps some art pieces, but more discreet than flashy. Would he have a bowl of limes on the kitchen counter, going on and on how much he loves limes?

[with-love-from-hell]

Vermillion Skies - Q&A #3 (continued)

Here’s the second part to the final Q&A since the final few questions didnt fit due to Tumblr’s photo limit on posts! there's some alt ending stuff in here so if you dont normally read the Q&As, you may want to read this one!

Here's the previous Q&A post

CW: Somewhat graphic discussion of past events in the series thus far [sexual violence, blood/gore/violence among characters, nsfw, jealousy/romantic rivalry, PTSD, etc...], also an alt angst ending where Mc dies so beware- there's grief talk in here.

>> Though I have a Masters Degree in Psychology, I am not your therapist. If you have experienced any form of sexual abuse, assault, or harassment and are in need of help, please utilize the RAINN sexual assault hotline or online chat service, or find additional help using the NSVRC website. <<

Read all of my work related to Vermillion Skies here

Oh absolutely. This will be a theme in Melancholia. In lieu of spoilers, all I will say is that Michael especially strongly detests Mc’s existence. This is actually a direction I thought of taking the story if I were to continue on past 25, but figured instead I can incorporate it into the end of VS and the beginning of Melancholia! 

So This was something I brushed past rather quickly, so thank you for asking to give me a chance to elaborate!

Mammon was absolutely horrified after being shot through that window by Simeon. Lucifer? sure. That’s to be expected for a demon of his strength. Even Beelzebub could probably throw him through a window no problem. But seeing an angel have the ability to do that when demons are notoriously more powerful? yikes.

He was also probably scared shitless of the transformation. He remembered how horrified at himself he was when he transformed- let alone all his brothers.

Seeing Simeon like that gave him some resemblance of shell-shock. Not necessarily selectively mute, but he just, couldn't process anything or get anything out.

There was nothing running through his mind as he sat on the windowsill staring blankly at the glass- until he saw you. 

Then the only thing in his head was “keep her safe.” So he had to find a way to get your attention. After getting it, he just did what was instinctual- pick you up and get you the fuck out of there. 

Everything was so dream-like for him. so when you demanded he put you down, his brain took a minute to figure out what you were doing. He didn’t mean to grab you so roughly- he was just confused as to why you didn’t realize he was trying to help despite the fact that he couldn’t communicate it to you. 

so the TLDR of this is that he was in survival mode, and his processing abilities were limited due to fear/trauma. Sorry I didn’t explain this better. I could go on about Broca’s and Wernicke’s area for hours and how they impact processing ability and speech but I’ll spare you all the lecture lol

Sure! I cant draw so I’m gonna share photo references that I used! 

(here’s the link to the etsy where I found these)

Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m glad it gave you so much hope- and samesies. I also wish more men were like how I wrote Lucifer. 

Allow me to entertain another alternate outcome for the series in regards to the NSFW part- in the form of headcanons!

So, I imagine getting through the bulk of 22- the touching, giving each other oral, and that sort of thing.

Lucifer says “I want to feel you,” and you agree, your immediately second guessing yourself- but push through the discomfort and try to calm yourself down. 

As he positions himself between your legs, teasing your clit with his cock, you begin to feel a bit more comfortable and give him the go-ahead. He eases into you, but something shifts in you and you begin to panic. 

It starts to hurt a bit- not much, but enough to have you backing out- and you’re crying and begging for him to stop. 

He immediately pulls out the length he got in (which I assume was about half way) and he’s cradling you gently, whispering that things will be okay, he isn’t going to hurt you, and that it’s okay that you asked him to stop.

if you apologize, he will have none of it. He will remind you that it’s okay that you said no, and that he only wanted it if you did too. He will provide lots of reassurance that you’re safe and he still loves you. 

He will help you clean yourself off (if you allow) or run you a bath where he will gently brush your hair or massage your shoulders.

If you feel really uncomfortable being naked around him, he’ll run the bath and leave you to it, but it will only take a whisper of his name to have him back at your side, ready to comfort you. 

He will snuggle you up until the coming events later in ch. 23- stroking your hair, humming to you, reminding you how much he loves and values you until you fall asleep. 

He will be ever-attentive in the future when you attempt to have sex with him again, and will make sure to help you feel more relaxed next time. And if you’re not ready then either, that’s okay. He will wait until you are ready. He’s patient- and isn’t going anywhere just because you wont fuck him. 

He loves you Mc- you just have to remember that. 

Allow me to entertain an alternate ending for all my angst lovers! I am going to also do this in the form of headcanons!

So, I imagine the part in 24 where Simeon swings his arm back and sends MC flying toward the pillar. Instead of just a minor concussion, maybe the force was so strong that it killed her on impact. 

I see Mc hitting the wall and the lights immediately going out, and the last thing that rushes through her mind before it is just blank and empty is how much she loves Lucifer, reviewing memories at rapid speed with him- so the last thing she sees is his face. 

After hearing the yelp Simeon will whip around, similar to how he did in the regular story, dropping Lucifer to the floor. His face would drain of color, realizing immediately what he’s done. he’d be frozen in place, not sure what to do- if there’s even anything he can do. 

Lucifer will be screaming because he saw you hit the pillar and now sees the lifeless haze over glossing over your eyes as you stare unblinking back toward him. He would run toward you, probably staggering due to just getting air back into his lungs and his own blows to the head, yelling at Beel and Satan to get away as he cradles your lifeless form in his hands. 

Desperately searching for a pulse, or a sign of your breathing, but would see no signs of life. His lips would tremble as he would beg for you to be okay, repeating “no”s over and over as the realization that you were dead dawned on him.

He will sob relentlessly into your hair, clutching you to his chest tightly and rocking your body back and forth. His wails would be so intense that they could shatter glass, ringing out through the castle and echoing through every corridor of the castle. 

Memories would come flooding back to him, trying desperately to cling to any piece of you he could. Your voice, the way you gently touched his skin, your sweet kisses, the way you blush...all of it.

 The rest of the brothers would completely break down along side him, but reluctantly keep their distance due to fears he will lash out at them. Beel would be completely catatonic, not being able to believe that you had died in front of him again. Satan would try desperately to console the other brothers, fighting the urge to slaughter Simeon himself, knowing he needed to save the task for Lucifer. Asmo would completely break down crying, falling into Solomon’s arms. Solomon would remain stoic, but underneath his heart is shattered.  Belphie and Levi would try to cling to their sanity, but slowly slip into inconsolable sobs. Belphie would be reminded of his past mistakes on top of everything, deep sorrow filling his whole being.  Diavolo would be in complete denial. Barbatos would be shattered on the inside, but try to hold back his woe. If you look closely, you could see both their eyes glossy with tears, but they would remain eerily still. Mammon would run into the room after hearing Lucifer’s screams and collapse upon seeing you dead in Lucifer’s arms. He would blame himself for not being able to stop you from rushing into the ballroom where you met your demise. 

Between his sobs, Lucifer would feel unspeakable rage building up within him. His blood would boil, limbs shaking in an anger unlike what he’s ever felt- even towards the individual who had assaulted you. He would hang your body to Beel, requesting he keep you safe despite the face that you were dead. Then he would turn toward Simeon, and he would be a completely different man. 

His body would be surrounded in a fuming black and green aura- radiating further off of him like smoke on a smothered fire, and his sclera would have turned black. Piercing crimson irises that were still glossy with tears stared daggers at the former angel. His cheeks would continue to be stained in tears as he approached him in an eerie silence, the only sound from him being a deep, guttural growl. 

His demon form would still be out, but subtle changes could be observed to note he was more angry than ever before. His wings would be spread wide, shuddering violently as if there was a powerful wind rippling through them. His horns would grow slightly longer, and there would be slightly larger fangs protruding from his mouth. His face would probably very sunken and gaunt, but his muscles would probably bulge more. I also imagine some feathers/scale type things pushing their way out of his skin. Like really looking like an actual demon. 

The entire room would feel like the air had been sucked out of it as Lucifer’s wrath and grief completely took over. Like I imagine the room feeling like you’re on a high mountain and you get altitude sickness. 

He would attempt to kill Simeon, and theres two outcomes for this that I can think of. Either he would literally plunge his hand through his chest, rip out his heart, and watch silently as he bleeds out; or he would be stopped by everyone (literally- I don’t think just one person could stop him) as Simeon is taken by Michael. 

He would return to your body afterwards and take you to the bedroom, tucking you in as he just...cries. for days. Like he is completely inconsolable and he wouldn’t talk to anyone else, locking himself in the bedchamber with your body as you body loses warmth. He would still try to convince himself that you would come back like last time, but the longer it takes for that to happen, the more sorrowful he becomes. 

He would absolutely collect pieces of you to keep as reminders of you. He would cut off a section of your hair and braid it, and would probably keep it in a small box along with photos and the various gifts he’s given you- plushies, the snow globe, jewelry, etc- and keep this under his bed. The perfume you wear would be everywhere- in his desk, near his nightstand, a small vial of it in his pocket, so he could keep the scent near him at all times. 

At the funeral he would be dead silent, only crying when he could sneak away to be alone. he wouldn’t give a eulogy- not because he didn’t want to, but because he couldn’t muster up the strength to even speak. He would probably understand why you had trouble speaking after your assault now- and would probably be selectively mute for many, many years. 

He would probably have to downsize his bed after this, because the empty space where your body used to be would make him spiral all over again, but he would snuggle with your pillow every night, ensuring to coat it with the perfume so it smelled like you. 

He would have a detailed portrait done of you and have it hung above the mantel in his office, and would spend just...hours...staring at it. 

He would also get something to remind him of you tattooed on him- maybe your pact mark, or maybe something hand-written to him. 

He would try to engage with his brothers and continue mending those wounds because you worked so hard to help him tend to them...but it will be hard. He will be distant, quieter than usual, and less strict. And will mostly isolate. 

He probably will try to burry himself in his work, but your sweet voice reminding him to take a break; the phantom feeling of you massaging his shoulders and neck and placing gentle pecks on the back of his head...that will make him completely unable to focus and he would break down. 

He would probably sleep a lot, preferring to be in dreams where he can see you again. But over time, your face may become distorted, and your voice may not sound the same any more- so he relies on recordings and pictures, but they’re not the same. 

Lucifer had you buried in the HOL garden, so he would visit the grave every day for the rest of his life. Sometimes he’d pretend to talk to you, telling you about some stupid things his brothers were getting up to or telling you about the new RAD festivities. Other times he would sit in silence, just staring at the loose dirty that would slowly compact and begin growing flowers and plants because of the seeds Barbatos planted over you. He would still buy you lots of gifts- trinkets, jewelry, flowers, mementos, etc- and leave them on your grave, sometimes burying them near you. 

The engagement ring would go on a chain around his neck, and he would never let it out of his sight or really even take it off. He almost buried it with you, but couldn’t bring himself to do it because he wanted you to say yes to him on your own accord- forcing it on you didn’t feel right. But the sentiment of it would serve as a reminder- who his heart truly belonged to. He would probably by a matching wedding band engraved with your name and wear it on his ring finger, despite never being married, to show to others to back off. He has no interest in pursuing any other relationships.

He would completely sever any ties with the celestial realm, and Simeon. If Simeon ends up in devildom because of his corruption, Lucifer would have to force himself to avoid him, but he wont ever forgive him for taking that piece of him away. 

He wouldn’t really ever get over it. No one would have his heart the way you did. Part of him would definitely long to end his own life, but he knew you wouldn’t want him to. 

He would probably desperately work with Solomon and Barbatos to try to find a way to get you back. Solomon poses the idea of a clone at one point because he had kept your hair, but he ultimately turns it down because he knows it likely wouldn’t be the same...Though on the nights where he especially misses your sensual touch, and finds himself getting off to the memory of the way it felt to make love to you for the first and only time, he will consider it again. 

Really, he would do anything to feel any type of touch from you again. 

Man this made me sob my eyes out lol. too angsty 5 me. Take care everyone. 

I am so glad I’ve gotten so many eager questions. I’m excited for the finale! <3

[amazingphilza]

maniac :: cc!tommy x reader

angst (?) , platonic (?) , gender neutral ! ib: conan gray’s maniac

this is satire & note that i write the reader to be a few months younger than tommy (besides that, i think it is fully inclusive !)

synopsis : you put all your hard work towards a useless crush. with no expectation for reciprocated feelings in the first place, it still all ends in a bittersweet slap to reality.

you grew up with minecraft and it was an understatement to say it was part of your childhood

even years later, you still maintained interested in the game

it wasn’t just a simple video game, the community inspired you to do many things

you aspired to be like the creators you watched at a young age like sky, dantdm, cupquake, stampy, and many more

making people happy and entertained was a dream

and when minecraft slowly began trending again in 2019, you started making your own content whenever you felt like it out of fun

you never got much views but it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless

but it wasn’t until the first minecraft monday you decided to push a bit more with your hobbies and worked hard to make it somewhere

however balancing your passions with school wasn’t the easiest

given, you were still only around 15 and your content wasn’t even that good

with not much of a goal or plan with your youtube channel, you fell out of interest eventually

you loved minecraft but you always a rocky relationship with it; getting back into it for a few months then pretending it never really existed for another few

besides the occasional videos you watched in your pass time, you didn’t stay that updated

then lockdown happened

it changed everything and even got you regressing back to old interests

soon enough you were back to minecraft

there was so much to catch up on

hermitcraft season 7 just started, there was minecraft championships, and smp earth and smp live, and so much more to look forward to watching

you were a bit late on both of the smps but your interest peaked specially towards smp earth and it didn’t stop you from watching the past videos

you first gravitated towards a certain youtuber’s videos first since you remember stumbling onto his videos before from your recommended page; wilbur soot

besides recognizing him from his you laugh you lose series and making parody-type of songs, you didn’t know much

however with a few clicks, you had binge watched his smp earth series effortlessly

you found yourself falling down the endless hole, finding more creators to watch through wilbur

one in particular caught your eye in an interesting way

tommyinnit

my god, how can someone be so annoying and pushy in these videos? like shut up already

and to find out he was barely months older than you frustrated you

you just wanted to be better in some way

if someone like him could be popular, why can’t you? yelling at others and causing problems didn’t seem that hard

and so you went back to working hard on your previously failed youtube channel but this time with a goal; be better than tommyinnit

it was a weird aspiration in your head but it worked

he was your age and successful, why need a better motivator?

tommy wasn’t the sole reason why you strive to make content since you truly did want to create videos to entertain people like the youtubers you originally grew up watching

and with the amount of free time you had, you thoroughly analyzed his content; what was the most popular, how he streamed, edited his videos, everything

you just completely studied the algorithm in general

along the way, tommy’s personality grew on you

tommy was undoubtedly a very loud and energetic person but you became fond of his ambitions

you understood why he was popular at such a young age; he was a natural entertainer

your spite towards the boy turned into a hope

a hope to be at par with him someday and even be mutuals

and it was like your dreams were suddenly manifested into existence

you gained a large following in the early months of lockdown and even was recognized to be apart of minecraft championships

it felt like yesterday that you were just watching your favorite youtubers livestream the same competition

and now you were situation in a team to play yourself for the first time instead of being a viewer for once

not to mention, with tommyinnit as a teammate

how did you manage to get so lucky?

under the excitement, you felt beyond never nervous waiting in the empty discord call for your team to join you to practice the mini-games

in the middle of gathering your thoughts together, you heard a sound from discord signaling someone joined the call

“uh, hello?”

you heard the familiar british accent you spent hours listening to from countless streams and videos

“h-hi! i’m y/n, how are you?”

you hoped tommy couldn’t hear the strain in your voice due to fighting your nerves, but you quietly celebrated that you didn’t freeze up altogether

“oh i’m good, thank you. and i’m tommy by the way, this is the first time we’re speaking, yeah?”

“yep! it’s nice to meet you”

“yeah, i’ve seen your name around the timeline a few times, you seem cool”

oh my god what?

“thanks! um i actually really enjoy your content not gonna lie”

“oh wow, good shit!”

and the conversation smoothly went on, bouncing back and forth between you two before your other two teammates joined the call

once everyone was situated, you decided to start streaming since it was your first mcc and you wanted a vod of you practicing to look at later on as a memory

your chat immediately noticed how much you were enjoying yourself, especially after all the short stories of talking about who inspired you in the past

the smile plastered on your face never left

after stream and your other teammates went offline, it was you and tommy left in the call once together again

“it was nice talking to you tommy! and the practice was really fun, i cant wait for the actual competition!”

“yeah definitely, we’ll for sure place high”

“hopefully. it’s my first time and i hope i don’t cost us the dub”

“nah, you think so? i mean rt and plumbella are also our team mates so you know, it’s all for fun in the end”

you knew tommy was implying the teamwork wasn’t going to be the best compared to the other teams but at least in the end you’ve both made a new friend

“yeah you’re right!”

“anyway it’s getting late imma hop off”

“okay tommy, talk to you soon?”

“yep!”

“alright byee”

“bye!”

the moment he left the call, you felt a sense of relief before a small wave of sadness took over

you wanted to continue talking to tommy but you knew you had other responsibilities to tend to

for the rest of the day, you couldn’t stop thinking of the call and mcc practice

the funny jokes, singing random songs, screaming for no reason, everything

it even kept you awake until the early morning

you buried your head in a pillow and screamed into it after realization hit

y/n no

no no no no no no no

you tried to recall anything that remotely related your other teammates which you remembered that didn’t include tommy

even if it was a few hours ago, you couldn’t pin point something specific

no

i must just be forgetful, right?

what the hell did rt and plumbella even say that whole call?

you vividly remembered everything with tommy and it was clear to you why

surely not

with putting a hand on your chest above your heart, you confirmed that you couldn’t lie to yourself based on the rapid speed

you liked tommy for a good while but it hadn’t clicked to you until now

eventually you fell asleep due to exhaustion but that’s to say you didn’t do so without imagining spending more time with tommy

ever since that day, time went by in a flash

your team didn’t do the best in mcc but it had been a while since then to have that as a concern

sadly you and tommy didn’t talk as often as you hoped but that didn’t make you have less feelings for him

on some days you felt bad since you thought you didn’t know enough about him to even be allowed to crush on him

it was a bit unprofessional but you were nearly 16, it’s normal to have these little crushes right?

eventually time came to rescue when tommy asked you if you wanted to accompany him in the dream smp

undoubtedly, you said yes

and for the few months during summer, it was where you two became even closer than before

however, once both of you two had to go back and attend school, it was harder to catch up with each other

even on calls together off stream, the occasional snapchat notification going off irked you in a way you couldn’t explain

only winter break was the small pause on your disappointment

but even then, it was a slow but steady hill of repressed sadness and frustration until early spring of the following year

you had hoped 2021 would be better than last year but after scrolling through twitter one day and seeing stans making rumors about how tommy had a crush on one of his classmates gave you the same pain you felt when school started last fall

you dreaded to look over at tommy’s most recent story time stream vod where all the gossip arose from; it was him stumbling over his words with the mention of a girl during a certain part

jealousy wasn’t the right word to describe the way you felt

you would never go out of your way to make tommy reciprocate the feelings you had for him

and if he liked someone else the way you saw him, you wouldn’t mind

having a crush is ecstatic, and if he has someone like that too, you should be happy

right?

you tried

what finally broke you was seeing a tiktok a few weeks later of tommy in college with eryn and another girl talking

you didn’t know how she looked like or anything but you wanted to sob

good for him

she didn’t even say much in the video and you dont know enough about tommy’s personal life to jump to conclusions like this

you knew you were acting irrational and you couldn’t be upset at tommy for something he couldn’t control

if anything, you never directly showed interest in him

you didn’t want to in the first place

it was a bad idea from the start

you looked back at the past year and all your intentions

what kind of sick fanfiction did you think you were living?

becoming a content creator, hoping to blow up, just to talk to a big youtuber you had a crush on?

oh my god

y/n what is wrong with you?

listen to yourself, y/n

you need to get some help

whether tommy was dating or even just had interest someone was none of your business

you had to move on no matter what it was and be good and supportive friend

it was dreadful to get over a stupid crush like this but after so much work you put in, you gave some sympathy for yourself

in a friend perspective, you were happy with whatever tommy did and was satisfied your friendship together, but you hadn’t realized how much you gambled from the beginning

and just for a crush?

you couldn’t comprehend how far you gone because you fancied someone

it wasn’t like anyone could get famous and become a popular content creator either

and now with you being on the dream smp along with a successful youtube channel at 16? you were grateful something pushed you enough to work this hard

but you’d never forget the fact everything that lead up to this point was a crush on no other than tommyinnit which first spurred from complete spite

“who’s the one better off now?” your thoughts mocked you from the complete irony

sigh

y/n, you maniac

[lightns881]

so how would siblings work in the EM universe? you said that mundies and metas come from dna experimentation and alien radiation, which was passed down generations (idk i cant really remember) but does that mean siblings will always have the same powers? ik from dream and drista, powers won't always show up in both siblings. but IF they did, would they be the same? idrk how genetics work lmao

actually, that's a good question. how do powers form in kids? is it like a recessive gene that both parents need to have in order for it to be passed down? or do you only need it from one?

how do you even know that you're a mundie? it was mentioned that julie was excited to see what powers she'd have, but how did they know she was a mundie before her powers presented?

can someone have dormant genes? can people with dormant genes have their powers unlocked?

what determines which powers you get? are there specific genes for different powers, or is it all just chance?

has there ever been a case where someone (besides deltas) obtained multiple powers from their parents? or do the two different genes just cancel out?

if both of your parents were mundies, would you be more powerful than a mundie whose parents were regular humans?

is there a meta gene?

are there any dominant genes? maybe that's why metas are so rare, bc mundie genes are dominant to meta ones?

are genetics related to how powerful you'll be, like do they affect how much delta energy you have?

can parents only have one EM child? because there have been no mentions of EM siblings.

god i sound like a science geek but i love learning about the origins of things, even if theyre fictional.

also, this is kind of a funny question, but what was aether's legacy? like not the fanfic lmao, but the actual person. what was her legacy? i feel like aether was kind of a big part of the last installment, but we never really got to learn that much about her. is george her legacy??? is he going to learn something about her and unlock some new secret power that and become 10x more badass? idrk how that would work out though because their villain isnt some evil superpowered bad guy, it's just some politician and discrimination.

i always had a theory that psyche was like the avatar state. instead of psyche being only YOUR consciousness, it's also every other previous metapsychic's consciousness. and that's why they're so powerful, bc they can call upon the power of everyone before them. that would be kinda cool ngl. still wouldnt make that much sense given the storyline, but cool nonetheless.

also, do the bergman defenders wear any suits or masks? i would assume they do to conceal their identity, because there's no way they're pulling off all of these operations with their faces completely exposed. no wonder they haven't been stopped, the authorities are so incompetent. wait, are their identities a secret? or are they just all wanted criminals?

omg back to the sibling thing, imagine a pair of meta siblings, that would be so fucking epic. i know cc!george mentioned having a sister, so imagine there was another Notfound metapsychic running around. BRO IMAGINE THE TEAMUP THAT WOULD BE SO COOL

can psychics link up their powers telepathically? i can't stop envisioning them joining their powers together. like imagine george, an OP telekinetic, linking up with callahan, a master telepath. ahsjfjsndjd they would be unstoppable. LE GASP IMAGINE CALLAHAN TEACHING GEORGE MORE ABOUT THE TELEPATHIC ASPECT OF HIS POWERS, THAT WOULD BE SUCH A GOOD BONDING MOMENT FOR THEM. also i just love callahan and i wanna see more of him.

what exactly are masters? are they just mundies who happen to have more raw power than average? like are you born as a master? or can you train yourself to become one? i always assumed you could just train yourself to become a master, but maybe that's not the case???? i know that type III pyschics are telepaths, but you also emphasized that callahan was a MASTER telepath, so is there a difference?

is george considered a master? bc from what we've seen, george hasn't really explored the full potential of his powers. like ofc he's super powerful, but that's not what being a master is (at least not by my definition). masters are usually defined by their level of proficiency in whatever trait they posess, not necessarily how much raw power they have. ig some masters could be more powerful than others depending on their level of raw power. like there could be a type I psychic who's a god at telekinesis but can't do telepathy. or a type III psychic who's a master telepath, but their telekinesis is really weak compared to their telepathy. i feel like george hasn't really become fully proficient with his powers yet, he just has A LOT of raw power. i suppose he wouldn't really need to become a master though, bc he's powerful enough as is.

I'll start off by saying that Extramundanes resulted from a mutation hundreds of years ago to an undiscovered "dark" gene in human DNA called EXM-13. There are special circumstances that "activate" this gene, but the gist is that it's related to Delta radiation (a type of radiation that was first observed in meteorites and other space material). Delta radiation is harmful to people without the EXM-13 gene and to those with an "unactivated" EXM-13.

To be (or to become) an Extramundane, you must have an active EXM-13 (I won't delve into "becoming" lore but it's related to how EMs were created). People with active EXM-13 genes require Delta energy to survive. EM bodies generally produce this on their own, and the more powerful an EM, the more Delta energy they are able to produce. EMs unable to produce Delta energy develop what is called Delta Deficiency Disorder (D3), and although some low-level EMs who do not require so much energy can manage to live receiving Delta treatments for life, most are unable to. This is why D3 is such a deadly disease that is predicted to "wipe out" EMs in the future, at least of what we know thus far.

EMs generally pass down their EXM-13 gene to their children (it isn't a super rare gene or anything), whether its active or inactive is another question. Two EMs are more likely to birth a child with an active EXM-13, but figuring out if its active is hard to do until the child develops their abilities and starts producing Delta energy on their own. For someone like Julie, whose parents are both EMs, it is likely that she will, too, have an active EXM-13.

A human and an EM can also birth an EM, but the possibility decreases down the line. Power levels highly depend on genetics, but the longer the bloodline goes on, the less powerful EMs are. But, of course, there are exceptions.

In uncommon circumstances, two humans can birth an EM child. This is because, as I had said before, the EXM-13 gene is pretty common. What is uncommon is for it to be active. Whether it's because they have an EM in their family or because they had a bit of residue Delta energy left in their system from the old days when things were crazy, an EM can be born out of two human parents. This is the case with George, Sapnap, Dream and Techno. It works the same vice-versa. It's uncommon, but two EM parents can birth a human child.

The word "Master" is a bit of a misnomer. Masters aren't necesarilly EMs with skilled abilities, they are EMs with a very high level of power. Every class has Masters. For Elementals and Bios, every type has Masters. There is technically only "one" type of Psychic, but they are separated into the three powers generally observed. Type 3 Psychics, Telepaths, and Master Psychics are different names for the same thing. A Type 3 Psychic is a Master, and it meants their abilities range all the way up to telepathic abilities.

Powers are for the most part influenced by chance, but if you have two Elemental parents, you will probably be an Elemental. Same with power levels. Power levels are more related to genetics, but it can also be by chance. Like George whose parents are humans but he turned out to be a power bomb.

You can have EM siblings, there just hasn't been any portrayed in the story, I don't think. But I do have an old story about twins with Elemental powers and a random cat girl (I had a phase, okay?)

Since I'm now fairly certain the original Extramundane will never see the light of day, I'll be less secretive about it if it's something y'all are interested on (it's pretty basic tbh). There are seven originals (for the funsies, if I remember correctly, their names were Wendy, Chase, Cai, Nathan, Katie, Jennifer, and Lucy/Lucifer (I had another different phase, okay?). Wendy was the founder of AGE. These seven are generally cited in the history books. But really? There were eight. Wendy had a twin sister, Evelyn, who was also an EM, and she was thought to have died. Evelyn was the first Psychic. She was also my favorite character (short for: she went through a lot of crap). In Book II of the original series, Evelyn goes through a bit of an identity crisis but because she had super-mega-OP-it-should-not-be-allowed kind of power, her mind develops Psyche, and as it turns out, a traumatized still-a-child-inside adult can really project a lot of her hurt into the world. She's basically the villain of the sequel, and she does a lot of messed up things even though she had done very good things before. There's actually very small references to her and the rest in Chapter 3 of Aether's Legacy.

But anyhow, it's awesome when I see people take interest in world building lore because I remember having been so excited back when I first created this universe :D so thank you!

[inosukeslefttoe]

SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro. 

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry. 

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either. 

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Season 4 notes

Ep 121: mmmm tape recorder turning on without them knowing goes brrr. AAAhjhdsjfhjdf "do you mind if i call you jon" its like "can i call you elias?" is this the dream guy with the tendrils? who wants to bet the boat is captained by peter lukas? big man if it killed yall how are you still here. oh boy the tape is doin that thing. who do we think it is? did he wake up? hmm. ep 122: lol jon. 6 months!?!? bruh quit movin big man. he just Knows things sometimes you know how it is. nah b/c i can relate to feeling like other ppl/ things arent real, thats the biggest mood BUT i think it is kinda pretentious to entertain the idea that youre the only Real person. If you dont see a body dont believe it. i'll hold out hope for a bit. theres not a new archivist is there? surely i wouldve heard about that. oh god peter what changes did you make. ep 123: web development. hope its about spiders. she blames him. bruh why. if they hadnt done anything the world would've ended piss off melanie. why are ppl acting like he chose to be in a coma for 6 months. we know this they just appear. no longer "head archivist of the magnus institute, london" now he's just "the archivist" covered in spiders? cuz ik the spider has to do with controlling what youre doing and all this stuff but i cant think of how this connects to that. ep 124: ugh vertigo. is michael crew an old man? oooh. fairchild. how did he know it was martin? hmm. GRR I LOST MY NOTES AGAIN. FROM EPISODE 125 - part of 131. ep 131: bruh he's so hard to understand big man ur voice is so low. Jared Hotworth. the boneturner. "the ones i helped find their proper bodies" name a better top surgeon? our favorite trans ally? ep 132: woo field trip into the coffin! static lol. he says "chill out im just poppin in for a quick recall mission" is the rib thing actually gonna work? bruh it feels so odd and contrived but he's an odd man with some odd powers so idk. rip that archivist ayyy statement time. voices? recordings? are those tape recorders? was it the tape recorders? did they pull him back? i hope so b/c if the rib thing actually worked im gonna be so disappointed. ep 133: predicting the lonely? tundra. like the lukases. hmm. sanikova! like sanikov land. so its the hunt? i suppose? yeah. so daisy's clearly rejecting the hunt, which makes sense cuz she doesnt seem to like the entities that much. wait so are we just not gonna talk abt all the tapes playing on the ground?? no? ep 134: not an archival assistant anymore? Adelard Decker (or however you spell it) i recognize that name. 15th power. i was right there are 15. the extinction? im trying to remember what ive heard. oooh spooky. no i gotta be real i dont understand this fear but i'll believe you that its a thing. ew lukas is so squealy. lukas can turn invisible? oh boy. oooh martin put the tape recorders there. lol lukas is worried he's gonna be an avatar of the eye. ep 135: yoo its the third Daedalus statement! maxwell rayner (reiner? reigner?) i dont know who that is but ik its somebody. is he the cult leader guy? church of the divine host? 4 people?? what? did they kidnap somebody and keep them up there?? oh dear jon are you dying? did he try to See or Know or whatever? why does everyone call basira detective lol. ep 136: he was the one from the spider movie that ate ppl right? the special effects artist? is it annabelle cane? "its a joke jon" lol. hmm they wanted to record the therapy session with melanie? i wonder who that is. i almost wanna guess annabelle cane but im not sure. ep 137: this is the one! he went to the other place and read the war statement but it wasnt the one she took. not the music again. sounds like the slaughter. who the heck is eric lol. "the watcher's crown" like the crown of eyes we saw in the piccrew ep 138: oh boy Robert Smirk time. is that elias? as unhelpful as usual. if new powers can be "born" can others die out? did jonah magnus wear the watchers crown? maybe they were born from our fear or maybe our fears were born from them. ceaseless watcher does ceaselessly watch so. idk what you want

big man. yeah jonah for sure did something. ep 139: agnes!! lol that one dude threw off all their plans thats so funny. BUT this does tell us something. the tree in the backyard of the hilltop house? not made by her. it going down didnt kill agnes. im guessing gertrude tied agnes to the house using the tree? u good jon? cuz every time you try to Know smth intentionally it seems like it causes you great pain. how come he can do it accidentally with no problem but the second he wants to know smth of plot relevance he gets a headache or whatever ep 140: lol pagan exultation. classic. "oh thats my rib" lmaoo. ppl are always so mad at jon and his Eye powers except when it benefits them. they're like "oh you shouldnt do that its not right" and then all of a sudden they want to know something and its all "oh cmon jon its the only way" ep 142: oh god jon what did you do. its interesting she's giving her statement in the way that they do when jon Asks. did he see her in the Coffin? and so he's following her? ok cmon jon you're supposed to let them come to you. lmao ikr martin. "start to hear the blood" "suure." lmao ep 143: lol that awkward moment when gertrude is already dead. big J if you die im gonna kill you. bruh. ayo helen? i guess it worked? ep 144: lol this reminds me of that one edgar allan poe story where he kills the old dude with the weird eye. spooky music stuff. lol thats my favorite symptom of a heart attack its hilarious. so its smth abt the location probably? bro i feel like you should write down the numbers idk. 162830165049 564846474827. seems like the distortion? like the kinda thing that causes you to go crazy because of the numbers. oh boy is it the extinction again. bro what?? im?? his dad just died and he's like eh. martin dont be mean. he's being all lonely again. big man ur pushing ppl away. oh god its fucking squealy boy. ep 145: that almost sounds like breekon/hope... Arthur? agnes. aah was he from the lightless flame cult. a tree. lol he's just ranting rn. hehehe fuck landlords amirite. yay someone tells jon outright to go to therapy. now do it big man. ep 146: oh great! the distortion! i'm making a spiral themed building in mc right now! jon maybe accept you did a bad? nah this goes back to what i said before. they're fine with him compelling ppl when its convenient for them but otherwise its "no jon you cant, youre a monster jon" the tapes didnt turn on. i spose that means its not important? i agree with daisy, this seems unecessarily dangerous. ep 147: is that a tape? the first tape? well that went better than i expected tbh. BAHAKJASHDJKF she did the "can i call you jon" like nikola says "elias, can i call you elias?" damn annabelle is such a girlboss. oh! the one thing from the picrew. its been a while since ive connected smth to that. lol all the other avatars always talk abt their patron so lovingly and the jon just. absolutely hates the eye. ep 148: lol thats the most elias thing. "i just like the way it sounds" ep 149: did he disappear? bruhh. ur lonely powers are popping off i guess. oops i accidentally deleted my notes for 150 - 152 ep 153: thats the cult right? yeah. it doesnt sound like the church of the divine host? idk. if it is the church of the divine host then they worship the dark right? so is the eleventh the dark star or wtvr? it almost sounds like the corruption b/c of the oil or grease or whatever. oh dear what happened. oh its the hunters. theyre so annyoing. not an "it" he has a name. he's a person. is this a page from the skin book? ep 154: oh shit this is gerry's dad! oh shit he quit! oh dear god. jon don't you do it. haha martin. yeahhhh... is he gonna tell the others? cuz you know theyre gonna get mad if he doesnt. oh also picrew connection! the bandages over the eyes? yeah thats this im guessing. ep 155: oh good he told them. oh my god what did you do. lol i have no mouth and i must scream. nah you get none of my sympathy you're straight up murdering ppl. its like the desolation, destroying lives to sustain your own. ok but taking their statements doesnt

kill them. oh... bye melanie. ep 156: lmao imagine if the tape recorder spoke back. oh boy decker! i swear we got a statement from him already. oh god mirrors scary. They're gonna eat the body arent they. Yup... sounds like the flesh or the slaughter, but I'm not sure. Could be the extinction for sure. Smth at the center! Like Helen mentioned. God Peter you dick. Ep 157: peter's just so :/ another decker statement i see. a statement about the corruption? hmm. maybe its not abt the corruption. the extinction. lol pandemics. topical. John Amherst. helen? lol i can hear admiral purring in the background. oh cmon helen dont be like that. im trying real hard to like you but you make it so difficult. ep 158: did they fucking free the stranger? im gonna lose it. you absolute dumbass. im sorry who is that? jonah magnus? my guy. peter. you absolute dickhead. that's elias. (im p sure i had this spoiled for me that elias is jonah) oh dear this is her death. god peter you prick. i hope this is a pop off martin moment and not a "martin you idiot" moment. i hope the hunters kill the stranger entity. or she kills them. furry daisy pop off! yeah fuck you peter martin can make his own decisions. you know that clip from Twisted where jafar says "ok what the fuck was that" martin D: ok like i know its gonna work but still D: D: ep 159: peter you bitchboy. because if im alone i cant hurt anyone else. imnotgonnacryimnotgonnacryimnotgonnacry do it do it do it do it. pop off jon. ok its a pretty good idea for a ritual i gotta be honest. she didnt even have to blow it up lol. oh dear that was certainly a noise. "he gets you" did he not have jon already? he's back! our boy is back! awwww thats so cute. ep 160: oh right this is the thing in the safe house. i love him. "obviously im going to tell you if i see any good cows" martin my beloved <3 :)) oh boy who is this. fuckin. people. jonah you dick. gahh. you can tell he's trying to resist so hard lol. ohh. hehe keep an *eye* on him. altho if the extinction is a real thing he needs to be marked by that right? lol he sounds so intense im sorry- i want martin to just burst in and be like "look at this cow i saw!" its so dramatic and for why.

[sentofight]

[[ something that i thought about going through some scenes again for lindow which is his relation with alisa. technically if anyone was in his shoes and they get in the situation he was in, they will definitely resent alisa for what she did even though we know she was brainwashed. it feels somewhat normal human feeling to feel something for the person who caused you strife. but then again, i look at lindow and i cant seem to feel any malice from him towards her. not a tiny bit of hate. i can’t even imagine him being angry at her or being anything negative towards her. lindow took notice of her personality (the im better than anyone because im new type therefore i dont require backup) and he tried to approach her in a way that does not seem like he is imposing himself on her, or forcing his nakahomie opinions on her. the calm down count the clouds one was a way to get her to just think about things since he knows they dont get much of time to goof around--one mission after the other and god eaters always fighting. even for a little bit, he wanted her to have a moment with herself and reflect. true it didn’t do much but at least he knows the action and the feeling even a little bit (if she felt it) will be carried on when she realizes how important it is to take a moment to breath in and look at the sky to appreciate that you are alive in this hell another day. 

even when he was trapped alone to fight the aragami, he knew it was not her fault one bit. he wanted this to be over with so he can make sure she is safe. hence his bracelet and the data he collected so far. he knew sakuya will be there to follow up on what he had done and what he investigated so far. he could have told the others, even his big sister but then again it was risky to get anyone involved. he was sent to his death when he tried to investigate the aegis project. if he wanted to save everyone, and alisa in particular he had to be secretive about it. lindow knew telling her or confronting her about her doctor would backfire on him. she was not close to him to believe his words and not the person who would let others fix her problems. 

so when he was corrupted, she was never a target to his negative thoughts. actually he remembered her because she was part of his team and the last thing he remembers of her is her pained screaming. if anything he was worried about her. he was upset, mad and disgusted that someone would brainwash a little girl into becoming their hitman when they needed. that’s why when he came back after being successfully saved he was anxious to see her, again not because he resent her for what she did, but because he knows she will not forgive herself for putting him in danger despite his efforts to help her. 

lindow has absolutely zero interest in blaming alisa for what happened to him--his corruption, losing his sanity for a while, his aragami arm, worrying sakuya and tsubaki, none of it. he’s just thankful that everyone was there to follow up and help her in his stead. though he understands their relation could be wonky at times because certainly the guilt still eats her for what had happened but he will always try to make her overcome it, not for his sake, but for her and for everyone else. if she was still being held back by this then this will come back and hunt her when she is least expecting it. and in the line of duty; being god eater, a moment of hesitation could be fatal. he’d hate to see her crippled by this when it does not matter anyone. 

they are both alive and working towards a shared dream. that’s it. which is why he was adamant on her joining his new unit, cradle and letting her name it the way she see fit, not only that but she is most of the time the spoke person of the group. 

[pappycat89]

My brain just did a weird thing which got me thinking about weird things my brain does, so I'm gonna talk about them, because why not?

First up, this is all gonna sound weird. Im gonna describe the thing that my brain does and then how it feels. None of these things last for long enough for me to explore these feelings, so the descriptions i give are as best i can. Most of the time, if i say something like "it feels like i could just step into it" i mean theres this almost physical feeling of being on the edge of something. i dont know how else to describe it

Ok, so lets look at what my brain just did. While casually scrolling tumblr, my brain decided to bombard me with a sense memory of something. I say something, because it was less then a second, so i couldn't tell details. All i know is for that split second, i was not sitting at my desk scrolling tumblr. I was somewhere else, doing something completely different. Where ever i was the room was a different colour, there were other people there and it was warm.

"Ok Ben, thats just a memory" well, the thing that makes it weird is that not only took over my senses completely, but there was a small part of my mind that felt like if i just tried, i could literally be in that moment. Like standing in a door frame, but not quite being in the room. That feeling passed when the memory did, but they felt like they came from different parts of my brain. The memory came from down and back, while the feeling of being able to step over the door came from above and back.

another weird thing my brain does is deja vu. Others ive spoken of describe it as a weird feeling of having done this before, but without details. I experience it like a movie playing in my head of whats happening, as its happening, and then it continues from a point where its diverged from whats actually happening. So, theres someone talking to me, and im hearing them, but im also experiencing the conversation in like, a separate window, and the other window deviates from whats happening. I know what it is they're about to say before they say it IRL, and when they say the wrong thing it actually feels wrong. This usually lasts couple seconds and is always accompanied by the feeling that if i just tried hard enough, i could derail this reality and hop to the one in my head. It almost feels like im leaning against a glass panel, and if i could just conentrate i could break the glass, but i cant. The more i try to focus on this other window, the faster it fades, and is almost always gone after about 5 seconds. sometimes its less, very rarely more.

the last thing i wanna talk about is memory related, and may also just be like a trauma response of something. Its also gonna touch on suicide and self harm, so like, skip this part if thats a problem (this will be one big paragraph like the ones above. just skip to the next big gap) So, i can feel the difference between memories and things ive imagined. Like, i have a pretty good and active imagination, but i can always tell what is and isnt real. memories have this kind of weight to them in my head. Theres just something about them that feels different from other things. Except, i have memories that feel like memories, yet cant possibly have happened. And not in a repressed memory kind of way, but in a literal, "there is no way this could have happened" The last memory like this i examined was about guns. I live in australia, and it is very hard for civilians to get their hands on a gun, to the point that until this year, i had literally never seen one up close or touched one, and in this case it was my housemates hunting rifle. So there should be no way that i have the memory of holding a handgun, loading it, and putting it in my mouth. I didn't pull the trigger, but the memory is so deep that i can remember the heft of the gun, the smell of the oil and metal, and the taste of gunpowder residue on the muzzle, and how the metal felt as it scraped the back of my teeth. This is not something that i could have conceivably ever done, yet i have this thought in my head that feels so much like a memory. It honestly worries me sometimes, because if i can imagine something so real it feels like a memory, how many of my memories are real? are there memories i have that feel like dreams or my imagination but are actually real?

Anyways, thats some of the weird things my brain does. I dont like thinking about them too much sometimes because they fuck with my head, but also its fascinating. It sometimes makes me wish i could get into some kind of scientific field where i could study this kind of thing

[angieschiffahoi]

congrats on finishing? lol. personally still on depressionville over them. rebecca? deserved to live and be a lawyer(?). hannah? deserved to lived. in france with owen helping with a batter place and rolling her eyes at the name. dani? i cant even. dani and jamie lol i can't even. peter deserves to go somewhere worse than hell. so yea, what're ur thoughts?

I am broken. I honestly haven’t stopped thinking about it all since I finished it last night. 

“Dani would never”. HOW DARE YOU.  I didn’t even have nightmares with ghosts! I was just really, really sad. I feel like, in the end, this was a happy ending. Just not for everyone, and that’s the strenght of the Haunting series. Not everyone can live happily ever after, but they contribute to the other’s happily ever after. No death is cheap or played for shock, even though they are shocking and are revealed through twists. The journey to one’s death is the character’s and, even if it does serve the plot and functions a self-sacrificing catalyst to set the happy endings of the other characters in motion, it never serves just to further the story of a single other character and it’s never just for shock value. Death, even when violent, sudden, unburied, is always respectful and somewhat “sacred”. 

At first I thought it was weaker than Hill House, because I felt the Crains’ dynamic was compelling and kind of made the narrative (in the first five episodes, it litterally did). Then I realized that while this started as a “strangers happen to live together in a haunted house” it soon turned into a found family story and it was beautiful.

I still think The Bent Neck Lady twist, even though predictable, was executed in such a beautiful way, and that episode remains the most emotional, tied with Two Storms, which remains my favorite of the series. But DAMN. The Altar of the Dead was so, so good! I knew Hannah was going to be my favorite from the moment she showed up and I had a feeling there was something wrong with her (the fact that she could dream up new clothes was clever, because I was checking those from the start to see if she was a ghost), but how it all tied with the beginning of the story? Wow.

I’m not sure I liked the twist at the end, using completely different actors, but I did love Carla slipping into a bit of cockney while she’s talking to Bride!Flora, as if to try and test if she was going to remember. The kids deserved that ending, honestly, and it’s coherent with what we’ve seen on Hill House (those kids left their demons in the mansion and so they were haunted forever, these kids were able to destroy them and live happily ever after), but I kind of wished they’d remember something. 

Rebecca Jessel coming through in the end was beautiful How she understood Peter was asking too much of the children. How she was willing to live through drowning again for Flora. I wish she had bonded more with Dani, over their love for the children. Also the scene by the lake, with Rebecca’s body, her ghost, Flora and Hannah watching had me sobbing. As for Peter, I hope he’s still in that memory with his mom. He was probably abused as a child and that is terrible, but he killed two people out of selfishness and was willing to kill three more, to have his happily ever after. He was controlling, abusive and manipulative and I wished the show had tried to make him a bit more relatable, to show us his anguish better (Oliver did an amazing job, though), so that by the end I would be torn between him getting peace or justice. But they didn’t and he should burn. 

Anyway, I could talk about this all day. Overall, I loved it. In a world where it came before Hill House, I feel like I would’ve loved it more (even though I’m not sure I would’ve loved Dani as much, hadn’t she played Nell Crain in HH). The ghosts weren’t as scary, and I missed some of that suspance (even though I am glad I will be able to maybe sleep this time); they explained a little bit too much, while HH left some things to the viewer to figure out, and some of the twists were very predictable; the nods to HH were placed well, but I wish they stopped referencing it after the first two or three episodes - it seems to live in reference to the success of its precedessor in a way (also in the way they use the soundtrack); the ending was bittersweet (like HH’s) but borderline cheesy, which kind of killed the vibe a bit (I love romance, especially wlw romance, but it has to be subtle, and the “it’s not a ghost story, it’s a love story” felt a bit too... yeah, cheesy. But that’s just my preference). 

Small structure-complaints under the cut:

I only have two complaints:

- I feel like they wasted an entire episode on Viola, Perdita & Arthur, because all those explanations could’ve easily been shown in another way and the scenes spoke for themselves. Later I started to think the narration had been necessary, because when Dani became the lady in the lake, older Jamie would start reciting “and then she slept, she woke, she walked, she forgot, she faded away”. But there was no parallel and so, I feel, like that story could’ve been told without voiceovers, leaving something to the imagination, and in flashbacks during the finale, making it a two part. I felt a bit cheated into binging the last two episodes, because of that same cliffhanger. I actually wanted to give it more time and watch it today. I also did NOT like the B&W. It was probably shot in color and then colored in post and the coloring was terrible. It felt like a pre-made filter in Premiere. I think the could’ve easily used the HH flashback coloring, which is colorful, warm, bright and eerie. I loved Kate as Theo, but in this one she did nothing for me. Viola felt like a caricature and, in the end, I never ‘felt’ for her.  

- I didn’t completely feel the epicness of Jamie & Dani. While I feel they were a beautiful, beautiful couple and very refreshing to see on TV, I didn’t actually feel them love each other until Jamie dove into the lake. But maybe that’s just me. I was so focused on all the storylines, I might’ve missed something about them. In some ways, they developed Hannah & Owen more, even though we never saw them together (and maybe that’s why Owen caring for Hannah’s body and how she disappeard so suddenly without even finishing ‘the rest is just...’ hit worse than the second part of the finale). 

There’s also I couple of things I didn’t understand (why did Viola never hurt Dominic & Charlotte? They must’ve walked at night! And they were sleeping in the bed she went to! How did Henry’s doppleganger work? Why was he haunted so vividly by himself? This ‘ghost’ felt a lot like Eddie’s - born of guilt - but at least there was a dead person in the Dani/Edmund haunting dynamic; was he haunted by evil!Henry because Dominic wished it so before he died?; also, why is no one freaking out about the inevitable incest of Peter/Rebecca in the kids bodies?! I love you Becks, but yikes!). 

I need to rewatch both Hill House and Bly Manor. I wish I had done a PhD in cinema, just so I could do a dissertation on these two, honestly. 

[bananiell]

rapper hc part 1

hi guys!!! so i’ve had this idea in my head forever and just didn’t have anyone to share it with but i told hedy about it yesterday and she scammed me into creating tumblr acc and sharing it here lol but when i went to write it down i  realized that i have a lot more to share so it’s gonna be just the 1st part for now, which was the only thing i had in my mind originally but now i’m working on expanding it.

i have a lot of ideas from the songs and this is no exception. this time the inspiration was NF - an amazing rapper and song writer. his songs uncover so much trauma and the things he raps and sings about are so real for a lot of us that you can’t help relating to them. NF’s real name is Nathan which also played part in this idea. lyrics of the songs are what the hc is based on so please listen to the songs i mention and pay attention to the lyrics.

ok i don’t wanna waste more of your time bc the hc is big as it is so without further ado let’s dive into it. p.s. it’s the first time i do a thing like that so im sorry in advance for any inconsistencies or the general drama:)))

TW!! (everything is just mentioned, nothing too graphic) physical abuse, verbal/emotional abuse, alcohol, drinking, drug addiction, overdose, death from overdose, kidnapping, torture (beating, skin burning, cuts – all of it not descriptive), violence, breaking one’s own bones, putting bastards to prison. also NF’s lyrics got a lot of triggers and cover very serious issues so if you decide to listen to some more of his music be careful with that. some of the things mentioned in the songs i’ve used here: depression, grave digging, guns, blood (in a non-violent way).

neil’s story: he grew up in an abusive family. his father was drinking a lot and abused him physically and verbally saying that he was nothing and nobody and would not amount to anything in his life. he despised neil’s love for music and laughed at him. he also hit him more when he noticed anything related to neil’s passion (neil humming some melody or listening to music in his headphones or trying to create smth). his mother tried to protect him but she couldn’t do much bc of her drug addiction. she overdosed during his last year in hs and surprisingly left him some money. when Nathan found out about that he was enraged and beat the shit out of neil so he would give him that money. to run away from his father neil goes to university to study his passion – music. he’s always had some kind of knack for creating music and rapping and now he could explore it more and not be afraid of nathan. he tries to overcome his trauma and even makes some friends (the foxes).

during the freshman year andrew and neil spend a lot of time together. they find the reflections of their hurt in each other and they find understanding. they share some of their past and their traumas; their view of the world and their dreams. andrew feels like he is falling because he’s never met anyone like neil. slowly there are soft touches and furtive glances but neither is ready yet to cross that line.

neil seemingly gets better even though there are a lot of hard moments on the way. however at the end of his freshman year nathan finds him and he and his cronies kidnap and beat neil up for Mary’s money keeping him in the basement for several days. this money is all neil’s got to survive and build his life so he doesn’t say anything and thinks of the ways to run. im not good with making up torture techniques and nathan is not so imaginative here but they still leave neil with scars on his face, his torso and hands (mostly burns from cigarettes, iron, cuts from glass bottles). by the end of the third day neil is physically and morally exhausted so he gives up and transfers all the money to them (he’s got a little of it left on his other acc) and they drunk on their win leave him in the basement. he breaks his fingers to get out of the handcuffs and gets out through the small basement window and runs outside. not long after that he collapses from all the exhaustion and blood loss and someone notices him. they call the cops and the ambulance. after that nathan and his cronies are put into prison and neil is left with almost no money. he leaves the state and a year later with a lot of effort, practicing and self-advertising he successfully signs with a music label under the name N/A.

andrew’s story: tilda didn’t give him up but was a shitty mother (obv) with drug addiction. andrew and aaron’s parents were divorced and their father didn’t live with them but tried to be there when he could. andrew started creating music as an outlet bc tilda’s boyfriends were physically abusing him and he tried to protect aaron from that. he and aaron were close bc they only had each other but andrew still didn’t share his trauma with aaron trying to protect him from that hell. of course he was only a child and couldn’t always take aaron’s place in beating but most of it lay on him. while at hs they became a band with the help of nicky and performed with their songs were they could and tried to self-advertise and wymack (he’s the head of the music dep at uni and also one of the profs) noticed them and offered them partial scholarships. they had some money left after tilda’s overdose (they lived for some time with their father after her death) so they went to get actual education on music production (at this point I don’t care how plausible it sounds, just don’t think too much about it ok lol)

the story:

ok so nathaniel once went to uni with the foxes (is there such a major as music production and singing or smth?) but at the end of his freshman year he disappeared. he was not very sociable so no one really cared where’d he go except for the foxes with whom he became somewhat friends. 1-2 years later he pops up as a new young and very talented rapper named N/A and he’s got burn scars all over his face and hands which he doesn’t hide so very intriguing right??? nobody knows much about him and that his name stands for Neil Abram so they take it literally as ‘no data available’ or smth (hedy also proposed “not applicable”!). foxes are like WTF we know that guy!! and wymack is also like isn’t that nathaniel??

Andrew’s become a huge fan of neil’s music. only renee knows that andrew’s been listening to neil’s songs non stop bc he can relate so hard to them and they just hit him right where it hurts. at the end of their last year they have like a huge final concert or smth and wymack organizes it to be held in one of the palmetto clubs. at the same time neil is coming back to Palmetto bc he is nostalgic of the time he spent in the uni with the foxes and he wants to escape his real life for a moment. he wants to visit the city and reminisce and he believes that none of the foxes really remembers him bc he was a nobody. I know the plot is getting ridiculous but bear with me

so it’s the evening of the gig and the students perform their music (songs, instrumentals, as solos/duets/bands etc). andrew majorly produces rap songs at this point and he performs in duet with renee with their song (NF’s “Can you hold me”). everyone is like shit it was so good but then andrew performs his solo song (NF’s “How could you leave us”). aaron is standing there and is a fucking mess bc he never knew andrew was that affected by their past and their mother’s death bc he never showed it and didn’t ever want to talk about his issues. (be warned this is a heart-wrenching song and it fits fucking perfectly). after that andrew almost runs outside for a smoke, trying to light a cigarette with his shaking fingers and thats when he sees a strange all covered up figure in a black hoodie entering the club but also cautiously looking over their shoulder like they don’t want to be caught. andrew ever the protective one follows him but loses in the crowd of the low lit club. 10 mins later there is quiet and the figure goes on stage – obv its neil. “Intro III” starts playing.

andrew is in awe and he’s never heard this song before so it must be new. he also never saw neil perform live so he cant really move bc the performance is so powerful and magnetic. *neils sitting on one of the disconnected amplifiers in the dark and the music starts building up. At 2:00 of the song after the words “I mean, what are you, outta your mind? 'Cause both of us will be, come on, let's go outside!” he pulls off his hood, his movements are fierce and aggressive and he’s almost screaming in the mic. at words “You had me scared for a second, I thought we were diggin' my grave” theres his fathers smile, vicious, crazy and cruel – thats how he remembered it spending 3 days in that basement. (fyi in the song NF’s talking to his fear and they go back and forth).* 

andrew is mesmerized, the foxes are in shock, the whole crowd does not understand who that is but they watch with open mouths. the song ends and the crowd goes wild. that’s when neil starts talking.

“hello palmetto. this is a great concert you got and some of you guys are fucking talented. my name is neil and I used to go to PSU a long time ago so you prolly don’t know me but professor wymack out there let me come here on this stage and sing a couple of my songs for you. one of them is my old song, and another is new but they both tell my story and I hope you like’em”. 

people cheer and applaud and after a moment another song starts playing. its the one andrew knows (it’s Paralyzed). the atmosphere gets way calmer but everyone is just as hypnotized. during the chorus neil is standing under the dim lights, head turned up facing the ceiling, eyes closed, his scars are illuminated. he looks almost peaceful but there’s pain and apathy showing on his face and in his posture. the song ends and neil leaves the stage. andrew cant make his legs move but he has to meet neil (he just realized that neil’s shared his name with them and it wasn’t “nathaniel” and andrew’s got so many questions).

he forces himself to move and almost runs backstage. neil is already leaving but andrew stops him by grabbing him by his arm. they stand there looking at each other, andrew panting, his body shaking a little, neil wide-eyed.

“Andrew…” he whispers obviously surprised by seeing Andrew here.

“Nath- Neil.” suddenly Andrew cant ask a single question. he’s got so many that it feels like a waste of time to ask them one by one. Neil looks down at where Andrew is still grabbing his arm and Andrew lets go off him like its burnt him. “You are here” he lets out on the exhale like he still can’t believe it.

Neil averts his eyes and puts the hood of his sweater on his head so that the shadows obscure half of his face. “Yeah” he replies and after a few seconds follows with hesitant “How are you?” It is a stupid question, Andrew thinks but he answers nonetheless with simple fine. Neil holds his head low, and Andrew can’t help but wonder if Neil doesn’t wanna look him in the eyes after his disappearance so many years ago or if he simply doesn’t want to see Andrew’s face. Both options hurt him but he doesn’t have the heart to ask.

the end of part 1. come yell at me on twt or here hihi

[alienoriana]

Why Lonely Road is about John

1st Disclaimer: Approaching a Paul song is trickier than a John song IMO. Mainly because Paul seems to enjoy and embrace more the weirdness, the serendipity, the subconscious that can break in and subvert the creative process. John himself described Paul’s lyrics as surreal (maybe in oposition to his own lyrics, which are “real” real. For more insights about it, read this great post from @thecoleopterawithana). This is important because Paul usually prefer to highlight that aspect when he’s talking about one of his songs. That tendency may create the impression that he is more detached from his lyrics, when in fact he is trying to focus on that dimension that he considers to be an indispensable part of his identity as a songwriter. Sometimes its a dream, sometimes its a catchy line, sometimes its a mistake that works, sometimes its a minor event or a random person (or animal), or all these elements together. And thats what Paul will tell us later when ask about the song: that little thing that made the tune go and grow.

But when one tries to understand a song (emotional) motives, this tendency gets in the way -and probably that’s how Paul prefers it: just keep guessing, and more importantly, keep listening to the songs-.

2nd Disclaimer: As much as I believe that John and Paul were (are) soulmates, Im aware of the equal (and different) intensity of the bond they had with their spouses. The fact that I focus on J/P relationship, doesn't mean that I like to place their relationship over the others, as more important than the others.  In this case (this song) in particular, I say this in relation to Paul and Linda's relationship. Even if I try to show why I think John's presence is strong in a song, it does not mean that I deny the possibility that Paul actually is alluding to Linda, or even both, sequentially or at the same time. Because the heart is that messy and complex, and big.

I feel that I tried to cover myself too much before I even started, but both issues are usually present almost always in my reflections about his (their) songs (my favorite McLennon topic), and I think this post is a good opportunity to express it.

And now, to the song... [finally, right?]

Lonely Road was included as opening track in the album “Driving Rain”, published in november 2001. The main themes of the album are influenced by the mixed feelings of grief over the recent death of his longtime partner, and of excitement over a new relationship. There’s longing and thankfulness, but also the wish to let go to be able to go on.

Some of the songs were written during a holiday in India, in early 2001, where Paul had not returned since the events of 1968 (!). I think this little fact is esential to read this song. We can ask ourselves: Could Paul have remained indifferent to that place so associated with John and The Beatles, and to the memories it could have awakened?

The lyrics...

I tried to get over you I tried to find something new But all I could ever do Was fill, my time With thoughts, of you

I tried to go somewhere old To search for my pot of gold But all I could ever hold Inside, my mind Were thoughts, of you

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

I hear your music And it's driving me wild Familiar rhythms In a different style I hear your music And it's driving me wild again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

Don't want to let you take me down Don't want to get hurt second time around Don't want to walk that lonely road again

The analysis of the one who does not want to be analyzed...

When asked about this particular song, Paul was as usual nonchalant about its meaning.

In 2001, he was saying this:

‘Lonely Road’ was also written in Goa, where I was enjoying the beach and the sea and generally chilling out in the new century. Again, I had a few moments in the afternoon, which is always a good time for me, a quiet spell when it’s always cool for me to go off and fondle my guitar. The songs basically wrote itself in about an hour. It is what it is, this song, you can make of it what you want to make of it. To me it’s not particularly about anything other than not wanting to be brought down. It’s a sort of anti-being brought down song, which is for anyone and everyone. It’s ‘don’t want to get brought down again, don’t want to walk that lonely road’, it’s symbolic for anyone who’s been through any sort of problems. It’s a defiant song against loneliness, written in a hotel room in Goa. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“It’s a defiant song against loneliness”, thats a fantastic little definition, which goes well with not only this song but many of Paul’s tunes.

In another quote, published much later, Paul speaks a little about the simple motivation for a certain rhyme:

‘Lonely Road’ was written in India, and that’s a bit… I don’t really know what I’m doing, just blues longing. I say I tried to go somewhere ‘old’, that’s India. ‘To search for my pot of gold’, well I wasn’t, I was on holiday. So it’s half imagination, half reality. If I’m looking for a rhyme for old, and pot of gold comes into my mind, then I don’t resist. ‘I try to go somewhere old cos I no longer need a pot of gold?’ Fuck that. Let’s go somewhere old to search for a pot of gold seems more like a song. - "Conversations With McCartney", by Paul Du Noyer, 2015.

In both quotes, its like he’s saying: “It’s nothing, it’s just this song I made up on a holiday, I didnt want to get brought down, ‘old’ just goes well with ‘gold’, the usual things in a songwriter life. Don’t pay that much attention to it, don’t think too much about it, I certainly didn’t”.

Interestingly, he makes reference in the 2001 interview to another song of the same album, and he once again tries to make it clear that the sources of inspiration were deeply rooted in free asociation.

‘About You’ was written in India, in Goa. We had such a relaxing start to an Indian holiday which was at the beginning of 2001. It was exciting, I hadn’t been back to India since the Mararishi days, which was 25 years or so ago. It was great to look around a bit more; I’d only seen Rishikesh, north of Delhi, before. We started off in Goa, relaxed beach time, and one afternoon I wrote ‘About You’ on a little travel guitar I’ve got which has it’s own amp in it. I picked some words out for the song after seeing a copy of The India Times which was lying around. - Driving Rain Interview, 2001.

“I read the news today, oh boy" kind of feeling... Hmmm... (I wonder what that newspaper was about)

IMO, every time Paul strives to asociate a certain song to something inexplicable, casual and without intermediation, he actually suggests that the motivation is very intimate and subconscious. At the same time, he refuses to analyse it. He wont talk about it, because he cant answer for himself at that moment, that place and time. And he probably believes that if he tries to grasp its meaning and set it in stone, sort to speak, he would kill the song. In this case, I think he tries to say there is no clear intention, but its also a strong feeling he can’t help to express.

And when he alludes to the specific lyrics, he carefully avoids the “middle eight” of the song: “I hear your music and it's driving me wild / Familiar rhythms in a different style / I hear your music and it's driving me wild again”.

“I hear your music"... Whose music? 

Ok, Paul, you chose “gold” to rhyme with “old” (and I will not try to relate the “pot of gold” line with the famous twin dreams that John and Paul had after meeting for the first time). Fine. 

But who is the person he is talking to throughout the song? Whose memory is the one “taking him down” there in India, in a supposedly happy holiday?

Yes, it can be Linda, but if so, wouldn't Paul say "our music"?. Im inclined to believe that this music he’s hearing (and its driving him “wild”... wild as “young and rebellious”? wild as “angry and mad”?) belongs or relates to someone different.  

He sings: “Don't want to let you take me down / Don't want to get hurt second time around / Don't want to walk that lonely road again”.

Oh, this part I love. The reference to “second time” and “again” speak of a first time he was brought down and hurt, of a first time he walked “that lonely road”. Can this have to do only with his recent mourning, to which he’s saying in a way he’s done suffering? Or has to do with another, more distant, first departure, first great hurt? And even more, does this “first time” have something to do with India? (I remember now that Paul has another beautiful song that belongs to this period, maybe a little later, thats simply called “India”).

Why John, then?

The song transpires clearly a youthful rebellious spirit (”Fuck that”), expressing the need to shake off melancholy and nostalgia. And I think that in this way he suggests that he is more guarded in front of a process he already is familiar with. HE’S BEEN THERE. Because he has already gone through that lonely road, and it took him a long time to recover. This time, he feels the urge to recover faster (we'll know later that maybe it was too fast).

I dont know if the first mourning refers to his break-up with John or to John’s passing. Perhaps the proximity to India reinforces the first possibility.

Another thing to take into account is the fact that in the album Paul includes a song directly and explicitly related to Linda, Magic. On the contrary, in the case of Lonely Road, Paul decides to leave it orphan: it´s about noone, and nothing.

Lonely Road comes straight from the subconscious. It has a close, immediate trigger: probably another song that he hears and it makes him wild, and it brings him down, and it reminds him of another time when he was left alone.

And I think that song is a John’s song.

P.S.: Oh, not really related, but you definitely should watch the Lonely Road video. 

[jpoeg]

listen to this dream I had

So. I had this dream last night that I was directing a movie, and by golly the quality of this thriller/psychological horror film my subconscious created is grade A. I don’t have any writing talent so I’ll vaguely detail it here, and word of warning mc has some kind of mental illness but I don’t know which one, It’s just that she has one that results in the entire plot. I don't know enough about mental illnesses so i cant (and dont have a right) to make that call. So. yeah.

So, the main character is this college aged girl Ashley. She had light longish red/brown hair that was parted down the middle but fluffy so it worked. She had a kind of strong jawline and a small nose and kinda light brown eyes. I don’t need to go into this much detail but by golly I remember way too much about this dream. She was like 5”7, rather skinny. She wore a startling number of turtle necks. Anyway. 

In the opening scene, she was walking to her next class or some shit it was unspecified when she meets this guy. Imagine like. Wait let me morph an image real quick.

He looked like adam levine but blonde. but with a small stache. Like the nightwing actor from titans during fandome, but blonde. And he had green eyes and wore this dumb sherlock esc trenchcoak thing. Anyway. They meet, like bump into each other, very polite. And they discussed *shared but unspecified* class. He wants to study with her, she agrees. 

Now we get to see a couple study sessions later, shes wearing a light grey sweatshirt and her hair is in a bun with a black twirly hairtie bracelet thing. Hes wearing a loose green t shirt and some grey sweats with cuffs and shit. they be vibin. Laughing and shit. There is vaguely romantic/happy music in the background. Next we have a night out they shared. Like at a bar, just drinking some beers. They’re both wearing sport related paraphernalia. They cheer. Vague bonding shit. Anyway. One of these bonding scenes is Ashley wearing a stupid blue jacket and this guy making fun of her for wearing a winter coat in september.

So Ashley is hanging out with another friend, and shes talking about how cool her new friend is. Her friend teases her about being in love and shit. Ashley talks about hes kinda hot but mostly they vibe platonically, and he’s never made a move before so. Then Ashley is all “you should have met him.” “huh?” “we all have (class) together.” “where does he sit?” “right next to me??” “ash you sit next to an empty seat everyday”. Everybody, place your bets, what is he:

A) Ghost

B) Hallucination

C) Vague being of unimaginable horror

D) An asshole performing human experiments on Ashley. 

Ashley is all, oh damn. She goes back to her place (apartment? Dorm? Idk how college works) and (for my purposes I’m calling him chris but he didn’t have a name in my dream) and Chris is there, sitting on her bed. Ashley is all “the fuck???” and blinks and suddenly it hits her, he isn’t real. She’s the only one seeing him. (the answer is B hallucination). She goes to bed with the static image of chris sitting on her bed.

The next day she goes to a fucking doctors office because she’s having a crisis. But chris is in the passenger seat and keeps telling her how this isnt going to fix anything, he isnt going to go away, because he’s everywhere. And she looks out the window and the guy in the car next to her has chris’ face. She gets into the parking lot of the clinic she’s driven to but has a full mental breakdown in her car because chris wont shut the fuck up and she thinks that she’s going crazy. And yeah. 

So she turns to alcohol, because it’s easier to deal with Chris constant bullshit when she’s drunk. (when i say alcohol I mean like… beer… but with a godlike alcohol content. Because in dream she was drinking out of a beer bottle but like 2 bottles in and she was trashed). And a couple months later she’s out at a pub with her parent’s for her birthday. And chris is sitting in the empty seat next to her, and says something about how her dad is going to die, because she’s trying to get rid of him(chris) and how trying to remove chris is going to tear her life apart. She ignores it, about 30 minutes later her father kneels over with a heart attack and fucking dies. (its correlation not causation). Ashley has another mental breakdown and goes home. Now almost everyone she sees looks like chris. A week or so later she wakes up while the sun is rising from an unshown nightmare. She’s freaking out. And chris is in her room, trying to soothe her. And she looks into his eyes and gets up to leave. She’s driving down this interstate with the sunset ahead of her, and trees on either side. And its like 6am and the road is empty. The shot is from the backseat, and shes driving and sobbing. And out the window there is an endless sea of chris’s in a grid like pattern. And Ashley is swerving around them because she doesn’t know if any of them are people who she just thinks look like chris. And then you get a shot of her full car from the outside with the entire road in the shot, and she swerves off the road and collides with a tree. But the second she collides with the tree every chris blips out of existence. (because she fucking died)

[yeoldontknow]

Hi! Can I ask question about the movie Paris Texas? I am not sure if youre the right personbut i have always wondered why it is so highly revered. Like I liked the movie, i thought it was good. i could feel the longing the characters are going through, i liked how it was shot(?),i can see why the 'booth' scenes are always replicated in music vids & other shows & stuffBut idk what makes it iconic- like everytime i listen to people talk about films, they bring that movie up.

my favorite actors and directors for around the world even mention that filmLike i enjoyed it and know its good, but i am not sure on what makes it great. what are your thoughts on this film?

ahh hello! lmao im so happy people are asking me to talk about film lmao this really does excite me. and im so glad you came to me with this! just in general! thank you!

trust me like...i get it. paris texas is a great film, and i did enjoy watching it, but i see where you come from. i can understand why its been so revered, so hopefully i can shed some light on that for you. but! i really do understand where you come from. if im honest, theres a lot of flaws and issues with the film. its slow, doesnt actually handle the heavy themes the script attempts to portray very well, and doesnt really actually offer any nuance to janes character. shes actually a really complex character, but shes boxed into the role of like...the manic pixie dream girl, except not that. shes not and ideology of freedom or growth or perfection the way that trope is usually portrayed. instead she exists to further a male centric narrative and the depiction of women is really shallow, so trust me i get why there is a dissenting opinion. 

that said, there are a lot of things that make the film as cult and important as its become among cinephiles. they range from the use of americana as a plot device, colour theory, voyeurism, the breakdown of the american dream, etc. ill be breaking down some of the major points here under the cut, but there are even more ways to read this. and!! i stress!! it is ok to read all of this and still disagree! thats the beauty of film studies.

to really understand fundamentally why this film is so important we need to focus on two intertwining notions - that the film is a portrayal of america and this portrayal of a america is coming from a foreigner. the director of the film is win wenders, a german filmmaker, who has always claimed to be fascinated by the history and character of america. effectively, america itself becomes a character within the film. it does not matter that ‘america’ is the backdrop - it plays such an integral role in shaping the narrative of the story, one could argue it has more autonomy than jane. take for example the opening scene - it opens with the scene of a man walking aimlessly through the desert with a gallon of water - nameless and aimless. from this very first moment, we are presented with land. an endless expanses of land in which there is no real ownership; from this moment, we are meant to understand this america shapes the lives of its people as much as this perspective on america is shaped by the director of the film. 

furthermore, if we consider the opening shot; the saloon; the fact that a full 26 minutes elapses before the main character says a single word, we can argue the mise en scene within each of these scenes a visual alignment to the classic genre of western cinema. here, too, in this genre is the stress on land as it relates to and symbolizes the importance of freedom, autonomy, and identity, but moreover is there a stress on the notion of the anti-hero. by cultivating this understanding of america and the western, we can immediately align travis with the failed man, the failed husband, a failed owner of land, and a failed dream. 

but...did he fail? or did the notion of americana and the american dream fail him, instead? this seems to be the case as we considered the continual use of americana references. one of the fundamental aspects of americana is the nature of nostalgia - americana is traditionally idealized as the desire to return to small towns and cities from the turn of the century. the hope of creating a home, only for that essence of home to be lost; the period of exploration from 1820 to 1880, and then the comfort of being settled from 1880 to WWII. these are the fundamental aspects to understanding americana but they are foundational in the nostalgia that drives the narrative. aspects like: a barber shop, a diner, route-66, etc these small town notions are the driving pieces of nostalgia. and these are the elements of nostalgia that generate the plot device of paris texas.

im taking a moment here to really stress the following: western films and the concept of americana is inherently problematic. it exists on wester colonization, appropriation, and genocide. americana is a white-washed version of history and that, explicitly, is why all the elements of americana, nostalgia, and the american dream fail within this film because, again, it is america from the perspective of a foreigner and the perspective is profoundly unforgiving. 

(also, like, i literally hate western films because they are so racist and sexist and hyper-masculine, from any historical or modern perspective, so again...me being me saying i understand why you might have had a hard time with this movie lmao but when you realize this is not speaking in favor of those things it kind of hits you like...oh, damn. like, imagine this film from the perspective of a white american male, you know? travis would be a king, someone admired rather than someone youre not even sure you like or tolerate by the end)

right! so! now that we understand how important the elements of a failed america and american dream are to this film, we can see how nostalgia continually presents itself - not for a home lost, but for the hope and the opportunity lost. consider: the colour, the wide, open expanses of land (could have been owned, but are entirely empty), the way characters gaze at their own reflections - hell, the conversation between jane and travis at the end, double sided mirrors, jane forced to look at herself in the mirror while travis looks at nothing because its his memories and his memories are presented at a visual and emotional distance. memory presents itself through illusions, reflections, and disorganized narrative structures - it is not that they cant remember, but that they want to remember without criticism. this comes to a head when they view the home movies, another example of how life was or could have been - how it was supposed to be, and the sudden confrontation that it very much is not that. 

primarily for me, the thing that makes me enjoy the film (apart from realizing wenders has an extremely unforgiving view of america) was the colour theory. you cannot talk about this film without discussing the colour. the predominant tones in the film are red, white, and blue - americana and american flag. but why all the green (i.e the doctors office)? why the isolated events of solid red (i.e the strip club)? well, green and red are put perpetually at odds with one another. green, a usually soothing colour, is subverted to denote internal conflict; red, becomes regret, falsehoods. the colours in the film exist to at a sub-textual layer that speaks for the characters when they refuse to speak for themselves. and by the end, the colours return to a normal palette. black, beige, tan - travis recounting their history to jane in a room that is natural. things are finally exactly as they are meant to be, the intense colours of their emotions faded by distance and time, and forced now to confront their truth. 

but still...the elements of voyuerism exist. because he can see her...if he chose to. she cannot see him. she can only see herself. and so we are left, then, understanding that there is no hope. no connection. the achievement of the american dream is a falsehood of nostalgia that exists to drive our motivations, forcing us to live in a time or a place or a hope that never once was tangible, but craved just the same.

[shirts181]

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be?  Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

[dontyouhearmehowling]

oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

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ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

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ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!