#which i guess is better than nothing
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wantonlywindswept · 2 years ago
Conversation
me: alright, it's the weekend before christmas, clearly this is time to do christmas shopping
me: we need this from this store and this from that store--
my phone: bricks itself while I'm browsing google
me: ...
me: alright, i guess we're spending 3 hours at verizon today 🙃
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apparitionism · 10 days ago
Text
Bonus 4
First, a PSA: If you are eligible to vote in next week’s US election, please VOTE FOR HARRIS as well as every other Democratic candidate on the ballot, and do what you can to persuade as many other people as you can to do the same. I assume anyone who bothers to read my writing is smart enough to understand why that’s necessary—and why engaging in any sort of protest-vote or sit-this-one-out charade is counter to the interests of most living breathing people at this point in history.
Anyway. Here I offer the final part of last year’s Christmas story... again and as usual, where were we? I recommend the intro to part 1 for where we are, canon-wise (S4, essentially, but diverging); beyond that, Myka has just returned to the Warehouse after a holiday retrieval in Cleveland (Pete, in town visiting his family, was tangentially involved), where Helena, whom Myka hadn’t seen since the Warehouse didn’t explode, served as her backup—a situation facilitated by Claudia as something of a Christmas bonus. Post-retrieval, Helena and Myka shared a meal at a restaurant; this was a new experience that went quite well until, alas, Helena was instructed (by powers higher than Claudia) to leave. Thus Myka returned home, both buoyed and bereft... and here the tale resumes. I mentioned part 1, but for the full scraping of Myka’s soul, see part 2 and part 3 as well.
Bonus 4
Late on Christmas Day, Myka is heading to the kitchen for a warm and, preferably, spiked beverage, intending to curl up with that and a book—well, maybe a book; a restless scanning of her shelves had left her drained and decisionless, hence the need for a resetting, and settling, beverage—and to convince herself to appreciate the peace of these waning Christmas hours. She peeks into the living room, just to assess the wider situation, and regards a sofa-draped Pete. He returned from Ohio barely an hour ago, which Myka knows because she had heard Claudia exclaim over his arrival. Then things had gone quiet.
Now, he appears to be napping.
Myka tries to slink away.
“Claud mentioned about your backup,” he says as soon as her back is turned, startling her and proving she’s a terrible slinker. Small favors, though: at least she hadn’t already had her beverage in hand and so isn’t wearing it now. “That had to be weird,” he goes on, sitting up.
She’s been wondering whether the topic would come up, whenever they happened to get beyond how-was-your-trip pleasantries... she entertains herself for a moment with the idea of referring to Helena, specifically with Pete, as “the topic.” So she tries it: “‘Weird’ does not begin to describe the topic.” It is entertaining, as a little secret-layers-of-meaning sneak. But there’s yet more entertainment in the offing, with its own secret layers: “Incidentally, speaking of weird—which I’m sure was also mentioned—I met your cousin. Thanks for giving her an artifact. Very Christmas of you.”
He rounds his spine into the sofa like he’s trying to back his way through the upholstery and escape. “Don’t be mad. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know it was an artifact.”
Myka is tempted to keep him guessing about her feelings, but she doesn’t really have the energy; she gives up on entertainment and tells the truth: “I’m not mad. I’m serious: thank you.”
“I think you’re trying to trick me,” he skeptics. “Soften me up for something. But if that’s for real, then you should thank my mom more than me.”
Pete’s mother. The extent of Jane Lattimer’s role in Myka’s life is... surprising. Then again the extent of her role in Pete’s life has turned out to be surprising too, and that’s probably a bigger deal, all things considered.
Pete goes on, “Because I was gonna blame her, but should I give her props instead? It was her idea to give the little feather guy to Nancy, because of how after I got it I saw that it’d probably PTSD you.”
“I appreciate the seeing, but... wait. After you got it. How’d you get it in the first place?”
“I was in this antique store,” Pete says.
As if that explains everything—when in fact it explains nothing. In further fact, it unexplains. “Why were you in an antique store? According to you, you hated those even before the Warehouse turned them into artifact arcades.”
“Mom was picking something up there, and this guy showed it to me.”
“Your mom, this guy...” Myka is now beyond suspicious. “What did this guy look like?” A pointless question. As if knowing that could help her... as if anything could really help her. This is madness. “Fine. It doesn’t matter what he looked like, because I’m stopping here. I can’t keep doing this. For my sanity, I can’t.”
“Keep doing what?”
“Tracing it back. You win. You all win.”
“Do we? Doesn’t feel like it. And that doesn’t seem like a reason you’d be thanking me.”
“No. That isn’t. But as of now I’m trying to keep myself from focusing on... let’s call it the causal chain.”
“I’d rather focus on the popcorn chain.” He points to the strands that loop the Christmas tree.
They are the tree’s only adornment. Every prior holiday season of Myka’s Warehouse association, Leena has decorated the B&B unto a traditional-Christmas Platonic ideal; this year, in her absence, Myka, Steve, and Claudia, trying to replicate that, had purchased a tree. And transported it home. And situated it near to plumb in the tree stand, which was an exhausting exercise in what they earnestly assured each other was complicated physics but was really just physical incompetence.
They had then settled in to do the actual decorating, starting with popcorn strings... but once they’d finished those, they were indeed finished, pathetically drained of holiday effort. And they’d succeeded in that initial (and sadly final) project only because, as they’d all agreed once they’d strung the popcorn, Pete hadn’t been there to shovel the bulk of their also-pathetic popping efforts into his mouth.
“Take them down, slurp them up like spaghetti if you want,” Myka says now. “Christmas is pretty much over.” The statement—its truth—makes her stew. At Pete? But the situation isn’t ultimately his fault, no matter what part he played. And why is she so set on assigning, or marinating in, this vague blame anyway? She got something she wanted: time with Helena. It didn’t work out as perfectly as she’d wished it would, but she got it.
She tries to resettle: her heart to remembrance, her brain to appreciation.
The doorbell rings, its old-fashioned rounded bing-bong resounding from foyer to living room and beyond, bouncing heavily against every surface. Myka lets the vibrations push her toward the kitchen; she’s had enough of interaction for now. Her beverage and book, whichever one will provide some right refuge, await. As do remembrance and appreciation.
She hears Pete sigh and the sofa creak; he must have shoved himself from it in order to lurch to the foyer. A minute later, he yells, “Guess what! Christmas might not be over!”
Still kitchen-focused, Myka yells back, “If that’s not Santa himself, you’re wrong!”
“Never heard of that being one of her things!” Pete shouts, even louder.
“Quit shouting!” Myka bellows, so loud that she drowns out her own initial registering of what he’s said, which then starts to resonate in her head, a stimulating hum that resolves into meaning... her things? Her things... Myka’s torso initiates a turn; her body knows what’s happening, even if her brain—
“Hey, H.G.,” Pete says, and now every part of Myka knows.
Except her eyes, but once she moves to the foyer to stand behind Pete, they know too: There Helena is. Her body. Embodied. The illumination of her, in the foyer semi-dark... her bright eyes catching Myka’s, warming to the catch... oh, this.
Seeing the sight—greeting, once again, her perfect match—she is struck dumb.
There’s movement behind her, though, and she turns to see Steve and Claudia poking their heads into the space like meerkats—well, no, in South Dakota she should think prairie dogs... but they’re both built more like meerkats than prairie dogs, so she should probably keep thinking meerkats out of... respect? Whatever: they’re animal-alert, heads aswivel, faces alight. It surely signifies something.
Turning back to Helena, trying to get a voice in her mouth, she coughs out, “You’re back? Now? I mean, already? How did you—”
“To quote myself: ‘when I can, I will,’” Helena says, as matter-of-factly as anyone could possibly speak while maintaining intense eye contact with one person, and Myka thanks all gods and firefighters above that she is herself that person. “Now, not forty-eight hours later, I could. Thus I did. I should note that I’m unsure as to why I could, but perhaps it’s a gift horse?” Her focus on Myka does not waver. Pete and the meerkats might as well not exist, and Myka in turn is mesmerized.
“Maybe that’s the horse you rode in on,” Claudia says. Is she trying to break the spell? Myka wishes she wouldn’t... she ideates shushing her, even as Claudia goes on, “But better late than never, Christmas-wise, right?”
“Did you enjoy your additional portion of squash?” Helena asks Myka, ignoring Claudia’s interjection. Her tone is formal, presenting public, but her question is for Myka alone.
“It was very good for my heart,” Myka says. She doesn’t add, though she could, And so was that question.
Helena smiles like she heard both good-fors—like she’s grateful for both—and Myka thinks, for the first time out loud in her head, She feels the same way I do.
It’s... new. Different. Perfect? Not yet, the out-loud-in-her-head voice instructs.
But she can make a move in that direction. “Please put your suitcase in my room,” she says. Out loud, outside her head. Realing it.
“I will,” Helena says. She takes up her case and moves toward the stairs, presumably to real that too.
It renders Myka once again enraptured. She is taking her suitcase to my room. My room. She is.
The first stair-creaks that Helena’s ascent occasions sound, to Myka’s eagerly interpretive ears, approving.
Claudia and Steve don’t even blink. Pete does—well, more the opposite; he widens his eyes in the cartoony way.
But then he turns on his heel, Marine-brusque and not at all cartoony, and exits the space. Myka doesn’t know what to make of that. She’ll most likely have to address the topic—in fact, “the topic”—with him later. Fortunately, later isn’t now.
She does know, however, what to make of Steve and Claudia’s aspect: “I’m sensing some ‘aren’t we clever’ preening,” she accuses.
“We are clever,” Claudia says, dusting off her shoulder. “More Fred. Don’t sweat it.”
Exasperating. “Don’t sweat it? As I understood the situation, Fred was a retrieval and an insanely expensive dinner. Are we doing that again, or is she back for good?”
“She’s back for nice,” Claudia says.
Steve jumps in with, “To answer your question: we’re not a hundred percent sure.”
“See, we made a deal,” Claudia says.
“With whom?” Myka asks.
“Santa?” Claudia says, but without commitment. Myka’s response of an oh-come-on face causes her to huff, “Fine. Pete’s mom and company. And Mrs. F. And even Artie, in absentia.”
“What kind of deal?” Myka asks, because while she can’t dispute the indisputably positive fact that Helena is here, she mistrusts any deal involving Regents. Pete’s mom aside. Or Pete’s mom included: She can’t stop her brain from stirring, stirring once again to life those causal-chain questions: What’s being put in motion this time?
“A kind of deal about which things they’re willing to let us—well, technically Steve—say are nice,” Claudia pronounces, as if that explains everything.
Myka is very tired of proffered explanations that actually unexplain.
Steve says, “Claudia finally found the file on the pen. Seems that Santa’s list, once made, is kind of ridiculously powerful. And it turns out you can put a situation on the list.”
“For example,” Claudia supplies, “H.G. and you. Getting to be in each other’s... proximity.”
Steve adds, “And yours isn’t the only one I put there. That was part of the deal.”
“So you’re letting the pen reward nice situations with... existing,” Myka says. “And are you storing it on some new ‘Don’t Neutralize’ shelf? So nobody accidentally bags the existence out of them?”
Claudia says, “Kinda. At least for a while.”
This all seems deceptively, not to mention dangerously, easy. “But: personal gain, not for,” Myka points out.
“Right,” Steve says. “So here’s a question: what does ‘personal gain’ actually mean? The manual doesn’t have a glossary. So we’re trying to work it out. Let’s say Claud uses an artifact and then makes this utterance: ‘My use of this artifact was not for personal gain.’ And let’s say I assess that utterance as not a lie. The question remains, are the Warehouse and Claud and I agreeing on the definition of ‘personal gain’?”
“The question remains,” Myka echoes, fretting. “And the answer?”
“We’ll see,” Steve says.
It’s destabilizing, but that’s the Warehouse’s fault, not Steve’s. “I just hope the artifact won’t downside you for any disagreement. Because you’re remarkably nonjudgmental, and—”
“With a Liam exception,” Steve notes. “Or several. Ideally, though, the Warehouse and I can work through these things like adults. Unlike me and Liam.”
Myka respects his honesty. And yet: “I’m having a seriously hard time ideating the Warehouse as an adult.”
“We’re working through that too,” Steve concedes.
“You clearly have the patience of a saint.”
Steve chuckles. “Pete’s your partner, right? And in another sense, H.G. might be too?” Myka waves her hands, no-no-too-soon, because suitcases notwithstanding, she has certainly in the past thought she was making a safe all-in bet, only to lose every last copper-coated-zinc penny of her metaphorical money. “No matter what we call anybody,” he continues, “I think you get a lot more patience practice than I do. I’m just dealing with one little Warehouse and its feelings.”
“Aren’t its feelings... unassimilable?” she asks. “Or at least, shouldn’t they be?” It’s a building. Whatever its feelings, they should be talking about it like it’s an alien, not somebody who’s in therapy. Or somebody who should be in therapy.
“Maybe,” Steve says. “Or maybe not. That was part of the deal too, that I would test out how it feels. About personal gain specifically here, eventually maybe more. But if it has a meltdown...”
“Ah. We cancel the test, neutralize the pen, and face the consequences.”
Steve nods. “But ideally, if that happens, we will have leapfrogged whatever the looming Artie-and-Leena crises are. The two of them coming back here safely are the other situations we niced, as part of the deal.”
Claudia adds, “My big fingers-crossed leapfrog is over their stupid administrative ‘keep H.G. away from Myka and everybody else who loves her’ dealy-thingy. We’re hoping they’ll just forget about whatever their dumbass reasons for that were when they see how great it is for her to be back.”
“Dealy-thingy? Have you been talking to Pete?” Myka asks, trying for silly, for light—so as to deflect that “love her” arrow.
“Not about that. But wait, are you saying he loves her too? I mean I figured he was okay with her after the whole Mom-still-alive thing, but his Houdini out of here just now makes me think he’s not quite all the way to—”
“Never mind,” Myka says, as a command.
Claudia squints like she wants to pursue it. Myka crosses her arms against any such idea, in response to which Claudia says, “Fine. Here’s some funsies you’ll like better. Making that list, you’ve gotta have balance. Naughty against the nice.”
“And you think I’ll like that because?”
“I talked to Pete’s cousin, a little pretty-sure-we-don’t-have-to-tesla-you-but-let’s-make-super-sure exit interview. Heard some things about a guy. Bob? Seemed like a good candidate.”
Well. Pete had been right on several levels about Christmas not being over yet. “That’s the best news I’ve had in the past... I don’t know. Five minutes?” Other than the Pete-vs.-“the topic” question, it’s been an absurdly good-news-y several minutes.
Claudia goes on, “Personal gain, what is it? There’s also a warden from that place I don’t like to remember being committed to who’s about to have a Boxing Day that’ll haunt him longer than he’s been haunting me.”
That definitely raises questions—flags, even—about “personal gain” in a definitional sense, but letting all that lie seems the better part of valor, so Myka asks Steve, “Any Liam on there?”
“Too personal to let the Warehouse anywhere near,” he says, but with a smile.
Myka smiles too. “Would that I could say the same about my situation.”
Claudia snickers. “Your situation is Warehouse-dependent. Warehouse-designed. Warehouse-destined.”
“All the more reason said Warehouse shouldn’t object to easing the pressure,” Steve says.
“Are you kidding?” Claudia says. “Its birth certificate reads ‘Ware Stress-Test House.’”
Myka appreciates their positions—Steve’s in particular, even as she internally allows that Claudia’s is probably more accurate—but she would appreciate even more their ceasing to talk about her situation like they’re the ones whose philosophy will determine how, and whether, it succeeds. Or even proceeds.
And she would most appreciate their ceasing to talk about her situation entirely. So that she can go upstairs and be in her situation, because Helena hasn’t come back downstairs, a fact for which Myka’s rapidly overheating libido has provided a similarly overheated reason: she is waiting, up there in the bedroom, for Myka.
Which thought is of course followed by Helena’s preemption of same: she descends the stairs and presents herself in the foyer.
Damn it, Myka’s disappointed libido fumes.
Sacrilege! an overriding executive self chastises, and it isn’t wrong, for again, here Helena is. To fail to appreciate that—ever—is an error of, indeed, biblical, or anti-biblical, proportions.
In any case, now four people are just standing here, awkwardness personified.
Helena flicks her eyes briefly toward Myka—it seems a little offer of “hold on”—then turns to Steve and Claudia. “I didn’t greet either of you directly when I arrived. I apologize. Claudia darling, it warms my heart to see you... and this is of course the famous Steve, whose acquaintance I’m delighted to make at last.”
Striking to witness: Helena has essentially absorbed the awkward into her very body and transmogrified it into formality.
Myka loves her.
“Famous?” Steve echoes, like she’s said “Martian.”
“I’ve heard much of you,” Helena says, with an emphasizing finger-point on “much.”
Steve smiles his I’m-astonished-you’re-not-lying smile, through which he articulates, “Likewise? I mean, likewise, but with more. Obviously.”
Yes, Myka loves her: for her charming self alone, but also for how that charm extends; her sweet attention to Steve has him immediately smitten. Myka’s the one to catch Helena’s gaze now, intending merely to convey gratitude, but to her gratification it stops Helena, causing her to abandon her engagement with Steve.
Maybe she and Myka can stand here and gaze at each other forever. It wouldn’t be everything, but it would be something. Second on second, it is something. It is something.
Claudia interrupts it all, saying to Helena, “Can I hug you?”
Myka doesn’t begrudge the breaking of this spell, particularly not with that; she had been selfish, before, greedy to keep Helena and her eyes all to herself. She also doesn’t begrudge the ease of the hug in which Claudia and Helena engage; getting a hug right is simpler when its purpose is clear. And clearly joyful.
Over Claudia’s shoulder, Myka’s and Helena’s gazes lock yet again, and it’s spectacular.
However: it also seems to introduce a foreign element into the hug, some friction that Claudia must sense, for she disengages and says, “So. I have to go. I just remembered I have an appointment to not be here.”
Steve says, “I feel like I was supposed to remember to meet you there, wasn’t I,” Steve says, and Myka has never been able to predict when he’ll be able to play along instead of blurting “lie” (even if he does often follow such blurts with some version of an apologetic “but I see the social purpose”).
“I don’t think you were,” Claudia says, “because I’m revising the gag; it makes more sense if I just now made an appointment to not be here. So you couldn’t be remembering some nonexistent-before-now appointment.”
“But I still think the appointment ought to be with me, gag-wise and otherwise,” Steve says, doggedly, still playing. “In the first and second place.”
“Is this the first place?” Claudia muses, faux-serious, now rewarding his doggedness. “Is the appointment in the second place?”
They could who’s-in-the-first-place this for days, so Myka intervenes, “In the first place, if this is a gag, it desperately needs workshopping. But in the second place: Scram!”
“You mean to the second place,” Claudia sasses.
Myka scowls, wishing she could growl proficiently.
 Claudia’s eyes widen. “Scramming. Best scrammer,” she says, sans sass, proving the actual growl unnecessary. Interesting.
“Except that’s about to be me with the gold-medal scram,” Steve objects and concurs.
Myka pronounces, “I’ll be the judge of who’s what. Once you actually do it.”
“You’ll award the medals later though, right?” asks Claudia. Her words are jokey, yet her tone is weirdly sincere, as if Myka might forget they had scrammed on her behalf, and that such amnesia would be hurtful.
“Participation trophies,” Myka semi-affirms, “in the form of a healthy breakfast.” She adds, internally, Take the damn hint.
After much winking and nudging, the comedians at last absent themselves, and Myka and Helena are alone.
Unfortunately that doesn’t immediately yield the perfected situation Myka seeks, first and foremost because she doesn’t know what comes next. Take your own damn hint, she tells herself, but... how? They need privacy, and the only reasonable place for that is where Helena’s suitcase rests: upstairs. Myka can’t magic them there, so what incremental movement will be recognizable as an appropriate beginning?
She casts a wish for Helena to ease it all, as she had with Claudia and Steve, but Helena is stock-still, offering no increment. For both of them, upstairs seems to have become a different place... the promised land?
Nothing is promised, she reminds herself. Some things are newly possible, but nothing is promised. Certainly not when the Warehouse is involved.
So maybe the point, probably the point, is that it’s incumbent on Myka and Helena to realize the possibility.
Nevertheless, here they stick.
After a time—most likely shorter than Myka feels it to be—Helena announces, “Pete and I have had a chat.” Her articulation of “chat” shapes it into a synonym for “fight.” “Who won?” Myka asks.
“I believe it was a draw. He opened by saying he ‘didn’t get how far along this thing had got.’” Hearing Pete’s diction in Helena’s mouth is disorienting. “He then said he wants to protect you.”
That’s so Pete. “I don’t need protecting.”
Eyebrow. “I noted that I want to protect you too.”
That thrills Myka. At the same time, she wants to object to it nearly as much as to Pete’s assertion... internal contradictions, what are they? She lands weakly on, “I hope that persuaded him.”
“Pete finds deeds more persuasive than words,” Helena says. “Thus I’m ‘on probation where Myka’s concerned,’ until he determines I won’t damage you.”
That’s so Pete too. But. “That is my determination.”
“I expressed a similar sentiment. He responded, ‘And how’d that go last time?’” Helena’s wince after she says this is awful, and Myka dares to assuage it, stepping toward Helena with open arms, drawing her into an embrace.
This time, their hug—simpler because its purpose is clear—works, bodies soft-querying at the start, then firm, intentional. Not quite catching fire, but this is a palpable first cut into whatever membrane of uncertainty is obstructing their movement.
Slow, slow, they move apart. Yet they stay close, the embrace’s softness lingering as Helena says, “Selfishly, I didn’t concede his point, which is in any case indeed down to your determination. But I did note that circumstances have changed since then. And to be fair I must report that he allowed they have.”
“You’re both right,” Myka says. But: “Was this Cleveland mission contrived to... further change the circumstances?”
“I didn’t contrive it,” Helena says, fast. “I would have, if I could, but I didn’t.”
“I’m not saying you did. I’m saying I always wonder, because I can’t help it, how much, or how little, of what happens just happens.”
“And the rest—or if I’m understanding your implication, the bulk—would be...?”
“Some sort of social engineering.”
“On whose part?” Helena asks.
That’s disingenuous. “Your engineers of choice. Regents. Mrs. Frederic. Mr. Kosan. Ententes thereof.”
Helena runs a hand through her hair—frustration at the thought of those entities? Or just showing off? Then she shrugs, as if to dismiss both possibilities. “I favor any engineering that places me in private proximity to you.”
The words are beyond welcome. And yet. “I’m not objecting to it. I’m just...”
“Objecting to it.”
“No. Questioning its provenance.”
“Why?”
That brings Myka up short. “What?”
“If it produces an outcome you desire, what does the provenance matter? In this case, at the very least.”
It’s a reasonable question, and Myka’s most-honest answer would have something to do with the ethical acceptability of poisonous-tree fruits. For now, though, she goes with, “Because I don’t like being manipulated.”
“Don’t you?” That’s flirty, a near-whisper, compelling Myka to lean even closer. Helena knows—she’s always known—the power she has over Myka. And she’s always known how—and when—to wield that power.
“The manipulator matters,” Myka says, responding to the flirt, accepting the push away from ethics.
“Then would that I could in truth say I contrived that relatively banal retrieval. And sabotaged the elevator, so as to draw our attention to... that to which it was drawn.”
“I can’t say I was displeased with the drawing,” Myka allows. “So if you had...”
Helena moves her lips, a sly hint of curve, and says, “Oh, but perhaps I’ve manipulated you into that sentiment.” Again, an ostentatious flirt.
Myka’s knowing that flirt-show for what it is? That’s Helena-specific. In the past Myka has always had to be told when she was being flirted with: “He was interested in you,” an exasperated friend would explain of an interaction Myka found incomprehensible, and she would cringe internally at her inability to recognize such an apparently basic, obvious display. But with Helena she’s never needed a flirt translator. From the first lock of gaze, unto this night’s myriad connections; from that first brush of finger, unto the way Helena has just allowed their hug to linger; from the first just-for-you conspiratorial grin, unto this very moment’s slip of smile—all the advances, heavy and light, have been legible to Myka.
And based on what she is now reading, she has no ground left. “Fine. I like being manipulated if it means.” She clears her throat. “If it means I get closer to you. You win.”
“Do I?” Here’s the disingenuity again, but now Myka understands its intentional irony. Helena follows up with, “This establishment has no elevator,” Helena says, like it’s nothing more than a structural observation that checks a box on a form, a minor note in an overall architectural assessment.
“No,” Myka agrees.
“How fortunate,” Helena says.
Myka waits for the conclusion, the help... but it’s not forthcoming, probably in a that’s-down-to-your-determination-as-well sense. The next cut is clearly Myka’s responsibility too. So: “It has stairs though,” she offers. “That go. Up. Well, both down and up. Of course. As stairs do.” Stop talking, she tells herself, but her nerves don’t heed the advice. “As they have to? I don’t know; do they? Escher?”
“Ess-sherr,” Helena echoes, clearly uncomprehending. That she lets Myka hear her knowledge gap is a gift. For Christmas?
“He’s an artist. I promise I’ll explain later. Eventually. Anyway the stairs. I think you just used them? Without incident?”
Myka expects a comeback. She gets none, which leaves her in some non-place, absent as it is of Helena-attitude... but what form had she expected such attitude to take? Aggression? Naughtiness? Or “naughtiness”... does the lack of all that mean Helena is offering a self more authentic than the one who charms and flirts? But that doesn’t seem quite right, for the charms and the flirts have always seemed clearly intrinsic Helena-talents. Deployed, yes, but not inauthentic. So if this Helena is deploying fewer such talents, maybe it’s that she’s... less?
Ironically—of course ironically, because all of this is so, so layered like that—a reduced Helena is an even greater bonus.
All of this, which Myka had better figure out, fast, how to appreciate and accommodate. “Of course that’s no guarantee that travel will go well,” she begins. “So we should try not to trip on the stairs... wait, no, that would make it our problem, which I don’t think this ever was. Maybe better: we shouldn’t let the stairs trip us.” She considers. “But no again: what I really mean is, we shouldn’t give the stairs a reason to trip us. Right?”
Helena looks at her and blinks, charmingly blank. “I have no idea. Are you through?”
“I have no idea either,” Myka admits, still directionless without Helena’s attitudinal lead. Is this, like the semi-botched hug of two days ago, a seemingly terrible sign?
“Merely delay.” A little head-shake follows. Signifying disappointment? Making light of Myka’s inability to get through? Then Helena says, “And yet I don’t know how much more delay I can withstand.”
Those raw words are mediated by nothing more than molecules—the nitrogen-oxygen-argon-et-cetera invisibilities conveying waves to Myka’s ossicles—and for the second time, Myka ideates, in full awe, She feels the same way I do.
“Me either,” she says, literally heartfelt, sending the words back, a final push through everything, molecules and otherwise, that has stood between them.
Testing, she offers Helena her hand. Helena takes it.
These hands together: not a first. Not even a second. In the present circumstance, that translates to something very like “comfortingly familiar.”
Under the aegis of that comfort, they ascend the stairs, Myka leading the way, marveling that she can. Against her pulling hand, Helena offers what seems a single erg of resistance, a display, an I-am-letting-you affirmation.
They cross the threshold of Myka’s room, and then. Then, after Myka makes one turn and twist, a closed non-elevator door stands, for once and at last, between them and the rest of the world.
Closed, the door is, but not locked. In the door-closing instant, turning the lock—adding its presumptive click—had struck Myka’s hand as overly brazen: that’s a frustrating flinch her hand will have to work out with whatever part of her brain-body complex was certain enough to start this, start it by saying what she did about the suitcase... the same part that keeps telling her that Helena’s feelings match hers.
As Myka turns her back on the now-closed door, she sees her bed. She sees her bed. Disconcerting, in this new now, how large a percentage of the room’s space this one piece of furniture seems to be occupying...
But she’s self-aware enough to know that she’s overlaying the bed’s current brain space, the desires it signifies, on the physical. Whatever’s going to happen—or not—will happen, she tries to force into that space in her brain, pushing it down... for desire, sometimes indistinguishable from expectation, has devastated her before. But she tries too hard: missing the mark, she slips and falls into some past-obsessed cerebral fold, once again lost, quietly but deeply, in that devastation.
“Here we are,” Helena remarks into the silence. “Or, harking back to engineering: Here we are? I continue to be unsure as to why. I can accept unclear provenance, but I’d prefer more explication regarding my allowable movements.”
That’s help. That’s rescue. But oh: movements. The word nearly derails Myka in a different direction, but she gathers herself, resetting to reply, “It’s explicable, but I honestly don’t have the energy to explicate even my minimal knowledge of the mechanism. The most basic base is, Claudia and Steve worked out a deal to use that pen, and there’s a list that you and I are on. As a ‘nice’ situation. Anyway if you want real details, you probably should sit down with Steve.”
A mind’s-eye image comes to her, of Helena and Steve leaning toward each other, bringing complementary concentration to bear on some topic large or small... and then an incipient sound strikes her: the chime of their voices together, both seriously and lightheartedly, ringing notes she hadn’t before this new instant thought to anticipate. “Actually I think you and Steve sitting down would be really pleasant. Even productive. Given that you’ll be sticking around. I mean, if you’re willing, and if, or at least until, some definitional issues get worked out. As I understand it.” As I devoutly hope, she doesn’t quite utter.
“That addresses... some issues, I suppose. Yet a question remains.”
This is a bonus of a day: Helena turning into the queen of understatement? It’s freeing; Myka laughs and says, “Tons of questions remain. Which one’s on your mind?”
Head-tilt. “You said you didn’t have the energy... to explain the mechanism,” Helena says.
More delay, Myka knee-jerks... but she knows the reflex immediately as wrongheaded, for this is conversation, the value of which she should have learned by now not to discount. “Right. Sorry, I’ll try: so the pen, and honestly speaking of questions and provenance, I still have some questions about provenance, which I’m trying to ignore, but anyway, Claudia found the file, and—”
“That is not the issue I had in mind.”
“Sorry. I’m not getting anything right, am I?” Because of course she isn’t getting anything right.
“We’ll see,” Helena says.
“So what did I jump the gun on?”
“You don’t have the energy to explain.”
This muddles Myka; it will probably require another reset. “I did say that, but I can try to—”
“Myka,” Helena says, and her name in that mouth will never cease to be a singular wonder. “What do you have the energy for?”
Here again is the difference between the attitude that Myka, in her more cynical moments, might have thought Helena would maintain, and the reality she is instead offering: the question is suggestive, but guilelessly, graciously so; its import is genuine, not manipulative. “How do you do that?” Myka asks.
“Do what?” This question, too, is guileless, gracious.
“Stop me.” It’s the best definition Myka can produce of what Helena has in fact done, what she seems consistently able to do.
Helena breathes several breaths, like she’s waiting for the right words to arrive... no, more like they’ve already arrived, but she’s preparing herself, gearing up to deliver them. “I don’t want to stop you,” she eventually says, and Myka should have used that windup to prepare herself: for the admission this is, for how this don’t-want utterance nevertheless is want.
They are the most vulnerable words Myka has ever heard.
New, new, new... the fact is that historically, people have tended to twist and shy from revealing weakness to Myka. Fallout from her tendency to judge, no doubt, but it means that this, too, is new: here is Helena, and maybe in some other world someone else might have made such a mattering move but here in this best one it’s Helena, Helena ignoring that character defect, Helena blowing past it for a chance to change everything.
Everything. “It’s Christmas,” Myka says, because it is. And because now it is.
“So give me this gift,” Helena rejoins.
“You too,” Myka says.
For the space of one breath, they both wait—bracing for whatever fate intends to use to stop them this time.
But this time nothing stops them, for in the ensuing instant, they both give that gift, blowing fast past everything that, slow, might stop them, grasping at this chance to change.
The jolt of their contact reminds Myka of—no: the shock of it strikes her as—artifact activation, that calling of vested power into being, that enabling of such longed-for release. Before the Warehouse taught her to recognize this transubstantiating, she would not have understood this moment’s raw unleashing, its summoning and compelling of stored potential to manifest as what it has lain in wait, in desperate wish, to become.
But also: all the blood in her body knows she has never felt such power released nonartifactually before now, before this.
Before this world-encompassing, world-creating first kiss.
“You’re thinking,” Helena murmurs into the space of a pause for breath. “I can taste it.”
“Sorry, sorry, sorry,” Myka scrambles, kicking herself for not staying in the unprecedented moment, for letting thought intrude, as she always does, and it’s always bad, and Helena is now rightfully offended and disenchanted and—
“It’s delicious,” Helena says, punctuating—proving—by meeting Myka’s lips again, again again again, as if determined to never stop.
Myka would be perfectly happy, oh so perfectly happy, with that forever-continuation, but something in her brain has begun gesturing wildly, demanding her attention... something about her hand... brazen... she rips her lips away and yelps, “Wait! I have to lock the door!”
“The thinking continues,” Helena says, stepping back, freeing Myka, and spreading her arms in a ta-da endorsement. “You’re brilliant.”
A memory: “Bunny, you think too much.” No I don’t, she can now answer. Not for her. In time, given time, she’ll tell Helena how much this matters, but now is not that time. Not when Helena is saying, “However, as we’re behind a locked door, I’ll wager I can make you stop thinking... for at least one consequential moment...”
To Myka’s extremely consequential—and utterly, blissfully unthinking—delight, Helena wins that bet.
****
Later. Lazily, later: “I genuinely cannot believe we were stuck in an elevator,” Myka says. A thing to say, said. “As the prelude to all this.” Which is what she really means.
Against Myka’s neck, newly and blessedly intimate, Helena says, “Your limited capacity for belief is noted. Are you equally incapable of believing that we had the apparently obligatory, if not preordained, chat?”
“Obligatory... preordained...” Myka is still so lazy, she’s practically drawling, and the out-of-character surprise of it pricks at the edge of her ability to stay in such a state. Stay, stay, stay... “Honestly... just clichéd.”
“And yet I was able to add a reference to my Myka-index. Entry: Mirrors, your artifact-related discomfort with.”
Myka’s heart seizes: Helena has a Myka-index. That, plus their proximity now, surely requires her to do better than the little falsehood she’d rested on with regard to the mirror-discomfort. Pushing laziness aside, with something too much like relief, she acknowledges, “I misled you. There was an artifact, but that isn’t what bothers me. The real thing is that mirrors make me observe myself too closely. Too much. Which I do all the time anyway.”
“I wish you’d delegate that observational task to me.” Sweet. Helena sounds so sweet. And not just sounds: Myka can tell (hopes she can tell) Helena means it. Which is even sweeter.
And which in turn entails a need for Myka to think seriously about being observed. Being protected. Being willing—but more important, able—to delegate in the correct spirit, even minimally. “I can try.”
“I can accept that,” Helena says, and the approval is better than sweet: it’s buy-all-the-books-you-want indulgent. “But I must ask: do you honestly think any part of the Cleveland interregnum was the elevator’s doing?”
The true answer references Myka’s entire Warehouse experience, from day one: “Yes and no.”
Helena nods, her hair sliding mink-soft on Myka. “I can accept that as well.”
“And whoever’s at fault, our chat was interrupted,” Myka says.
“As it was poised to progress beyond ‘chat’... but in truth I would rather this happened here than in an elevator. Better environs for still further progress. Don’t you agree?” Helena moves her unclad limbs against Myka’s, in transcendent emphasis.
Of course Myka agrees. Which leads her to a painful realization: “So maybe the elevator wasn’t as judgmental as I... judged it to be.”
Helena bestows a kiss to Myka’s shoulder—small, intimate—bringing Myka’s mind back, sharp, to what those bestowing lips have so recently accomplished, which threatens to render her again overcome. She shudders, which reduces her to embarrassment instead, but Helena is kind enough to feign obliviousness as she says, “You did note your own judgmental nature.”
Myka’s soul twinges in genuine regret, collapsing her lip-recall. She regrets that too. “Do you think I need to go back and apologize? I feel all guilty now.”
“The elevator has most likely moved on,” Helena says, quite dry.
“You’re saying it doesn’t have my memory.”
“I’m saying that even if it does—an open question, though the lack of elevator memoirs argues in the negative—it’s unlikely to care as much as you do about what it does remember.”
“Story of my life,” Myka sighs out. Now she’s really saying it, because memory, and caring too much about it, is that story.
“For the best, I suspect. Your life story and an elevator’s shouldn’t be entirely congruent, should they?” Helena questions, and that makes Myka laugh and want to read an entire library shelf’s worth of elevators’ memoirs. Feigning seriousness, Helena continues, “Although we might revisit so as to investigate whether its conveyance of Bob proceeded properly after our visit. That could be revealing.”
“Speaking of Bob, I feel bad for Nancy. Because of course he’ll blame her.”
“For elevator mischief?”
Ah. Helena doesn’t know. “For naughty.”
“Naughty what?”
“The list. He’s back on it, thanks to Steve and Claudia.”
“Is he.” Her satisfaction is evident, and for a moment she and Myka are one in their schadenfreude. That, too, is delicious. “Better they punish him than we do,” Helena then says.
This sends Myka back to guilt. “It feels like cheating. We didn’t use the artifact, but we get the personal gain.”
Myka’s shoulder now receives an indignant exhale. In its wake, Myka is dwelling on how she would have preferred another kiss, but Helena says, “I was speaking of soul-consequences, not this personal-gain fetish you all seem to embrace. Or perhaps it’s an anti-fetish, but in any case was no hard-and-fast dictum in my day.”
“I’ll reiterate that you should sit down with Steve,” Myka tells her, and Helena accedes with a nestle that erases the exhale.
Are words about such things—ambiguously motivated elevators, deserved punishments, fetishes of undetermined valence—a waste of time? No... for again, they are conversation... the value of which, Myka has lately learned, is even greater when the words it comprises land as soft breath on skin.
In fact Myka has learned a great many things in this locked-door recent while. There is, for one, the gratifying fact that she and Helena are physically compatible, at least as evidenced by this first performance, in terms both of wants and of abilities to satisfy them. But nearly as important, particularly in its physical component but not only that, is her new understanding that while her life has offered her several circumstances with which she’s been reasonably satisfied—that she hasn’t minded—this right-now is orders of magnitude above such contentment. She must have in some soul-stratum known this would prove true, or she would not have been panting in its pursuit so seemingly hopelessly, with such dogged desperation.
She says, with gratitude, “This is what I wanted.”
Getting what she wants: that, too, is new. And very. very nice.
“I would hope so,” Helena says. As if she had some genuine doubt about Myka’s motivation? “No, that’s rhetorical; rather, I did hope so. You’ve realized that hope, and... well. I should be clear: this is more than I dared to want.”
Myka, endeavoring to bring everything together, says, “So what you’re saying, want-wise, is that it’s a bonus. A nice one.”
“I’m saying, want-wise, that my wildest hopes have been exceeded. Surpassed. Transcended.”
It’s something, that reply. Also more than a little over the top, rhetorically, which Helena obviously knows. “Pleonast,” Myka accuses.
Helena laughs. “Not inaccurate. I suppose your ‘nice bonus’ translation is technically correct, if a bit... with apologies, pedestrian?”
“It’s less pedestrian than ‘Fred,’” Myka says. A “hm?” from Helena reminds Myka that she hasn’t yet made that translation evident. “I guess ‘Fred’ counts as esoteric instead, so never mind. You’re right, ‘bonus’ is pedestrian. So is ‘nice.’ But maybe it’s a good idea to call our whatever-it-is something pedestrian. I don’t want to scare it away.”
“And what precisely do you think would ‘scare it away’?”
“Bigness,” Myka offers, weakly. It’s what she means, but—
“‘Bigness?’” Helena says, quotes evident. “From the woman who so recently deployed ‘pleonast’? Should I fear that you’ll regularly revert without warning to Pete-reminiscent locutions?”
Myka chuckles. “Spend enough time with him, it’ll probably happen to you too.” The laziness is back. Earned back?
After a time—or perhaps Myka only after a time processes the sound—Helena says, “God forbid.”
A further lag ensues before Myka manages to respond, with a drowsy “I agree.”
Sleep follows. That is certainly earned.
****
Consciousness resumes for Myka with a banging on her door and a shout from Pete: “It’ s really not Christmas anymore, because Artie’s back!”
“Being Artie about it!” Claudia shouts in addition. “He says get to work!”
“I’m awake,” Myka says as she becomes more fully so. This is a Warehouse morning, and Warehouse alarms ring as they do.
Then: I’m not awake; I’m dreaming, because the back of Helena’s head and her naked shoulders greet Myka’s opening eyes. That’s a bracingly new alarm.
Helena’s voice comes next. “He says get to work,” she quotes, playfully, and Myka would be willing to wake to such an alarm with joy for the rest of her life.
But assuredly, if the content of that alarm is the dictate, then no one is dreaming. There’s really nothing for Myka to say except, “Sorry, but one more time: Story of my life.”
“Now? Our life,” Helena corrects.
That is a literally life-story-altering assertion, and a self-deprecating impulse tempts Myka to scoff it away. Behind that impulse, however, lies a clear-eyed recognition that she must meet what Helena has said. How, how, how...
...and then her mind starts fully working. She begins to formulate a plan. One that will, if possible, manifest her gratitude, but also, display her difference from the Myka she used to be, that one from so few hours ago, who had not yet known the dream-surprise of this awakening’s sight.
“I’m going to tell them I can’t get the door unlocked,” she says. Steve isn’t there. She can get away with it. She sits up, ready to head for the door and tell that story.
Helena touches Myka’s shoulder. “Would it lend credibility for me to suggest out loud that I genuinely can’t believe we’re stuck in your bedroom?” More play, but the touch is becoming a don’t-leave-this-bed grasp.
Myka leans to kiss the restraining hand. “I think that would make them think you planned it. And were being nefarious about it. Shocked incredulity isn’t really your strong suit.”
“It’s true that my capacity for belief outstrips yours.” She pulls down on the sheet, exposing both her body and Myka’s.
Talk about overdetermined. Or is it, in this as-yet-unmapped terrain, underdetermined? To be determined later, if at all... Myka somehow marshals sufficient will to rise from the bed, while telling herself that she is not, conceptually at least, actually leaving it. At the door, she fiddles with the lock, expressing frustration to support her claim, after which Pete and Claudia make noises about toolboxes and battering rams, respectively, and then mercifully depart.
“They’re going to try to get us out,” Myka reports as she returns to bed. “Maybe violently?”
“Let them,” Helena murmurs. “That elevator and its manifestation of mischief... comparatively amateur. You’ve bested it handily.”
That jolts Myka out of a back-of-mind consideration of whether she might be able to jam the bedroom door’s lock with something easily to hand, or perhaps whether her dresser might be pushed across the room to block the door entirely. She then considers, front of mind, the possibility that Helena—her physical presence, her physical provocation—is a bad influence... or at the very least a naughty one... for these thoughts are so, so out of character.
“That, on the other hand, is not the story of my life,” Myka says, and the fact of it does make her more than a little nervous.
“A new chapter,” Helena counters, reading Myka’s mind and setting it right—in three words. Such economy.
****
Myka and Helena are engaged in adding to that new chapter (or at the very least, drafting a steamy interlude of same, even if it isn’t essential to the plot) when a banging on the door interrupts them yet again. As does shouting: “We’re back!” yells Pete, unnecessarily.
“Hey, Myka, what’s going on?” That’s Steve. Far more quiet.
“I brought Steve,” Pete says, also unnecessarily.
“I gathered that from his voice,” Myka notes.
“But!” Pete says, in aha-I-got-you mode, “what if it turns out all I brought was his voice?”
“Then I guess he’d still be here in some sense?” she says; she’s thinking on the Helena-hologram, on what a lack of visual might have meant, on how a more ontologically disembodied voice would have made her believe Helena was there, there but standing on the other side of a door. How she would have wanted to take her own battering ram to that door. The hologram’s present non-presence had stranded her, stranded them, in a strange shared space, offering no barrier Myka could use her body to break violently through.
“But!” Claudia exclaims, jokey, fighting with Myka’s ache of reminiscence, “what if it’s just me, doing my Steve impression?”
“That’d be a different thing,” Myka concedes.
“You do a me impression?” Steve asks Claudia.
Who exhales so dramatically, Myka’s surprised the door doesn’t just blow open. “You have stood next to me while I did it.”
“I have?” Puzzled-Steve is honestly Myka’s favorite Steve.
“Are we not a team?” Claudia demands. “Myka does a Pete. Pete does a Myka. Naturally they both suck, but the point is, why don’t you do a me?”
“Because you’d kill me?”
“Guys,” Pete says, “this isn’t getting Myka and H.G. out of the bedroom.”
Claudia says, “But let me just. Myka, H.G., you guys do impressions of each other, right?”
Helena raises her arms, a gesture of observe-this!—or maybe it’s at-last!—and exclaims, “I feel compelled to express disbelief about this circumstance!”
It takes Myka a second to get it, but once she does, she shouts, “I love blooming onions!”
For quite some time, there’s silence from the other side of the door.
Then Steve says, “Am I the only one who’s extremely confused?”
“Usually, yes,” Claudia says. “Except now, no. I’m with you. Pete?”
“Myka loves blooming onions,” Pete says, slow; he’s the one having trouble now with belief. Myka can picture his gobsmacked face. “There’s my endless wonder for the day. Also, I gotta rethink a whole lot of stuff she said about what she was willing to eat.”
Myka presses an apologetic kiss to Helena’s lips (and how nearly unbelievable it is to feel comfortable with such a touch being swift, to not need to hoard, to believe there will be more), then extricates herself yet again from the sheets, the bed. She heads for the door: to make a show of unlocking it, to send them away temporarily so she and Helena can reassemble themselves to rejoin the world—but. Problem. Big problem. “Guys. I really can’t get the door unlocked now.”
“‘Now’?” Pete echoes.
“You mean you actually could before?” Claudia asks.
Moment of truth. So, fine, truth: “I didn’t actually try before.”
“Ha!” Claudia barks. “Are we still on impressions? That might’ve been a decent one, for real, because the attitude? Way H.G.”
“Thank you so much!” Helena chirps.
“H.G.,” says Claudia, with a whiff of pedantry—and that she feels free to express such an attitude toward Helena is most likely because she’s on the safe side of a closed door—“I was complimenting Myka’s impression.”
“But in it, you recognized my attitude.” Helena’s words are a full preen, and as she speaks, she’s rising from the bed, approaching Myka, slipping arms around her, such that Myka loses her ability to track what’s happening on the other side of the door, even as splinters of sound catch in her ears—“hinges inside,” “lock plate solid,” and finally, “break it down”—whereupon she realizes anew that neither she nor Helena is clothed, and that being caught and seen in that state will constitute a disaster that outstrips a great many of the others in her experience.
“We have to get dressed,” she breathes at Helena.
“Wait,” Helena says. “I suspect a realization is about to occur.”
At times, Helena can be eerily prescient. But what is it this time?
As if in answer, Claudia says, “I have a really depressing theory. Myka, can you get the window open?”, whereupon Myka understands Helena’s deduction: this isn’t mechanical; it’s artifactual. More specifically, list-artifactual.
She cannot open the window.
“Yeah,” Claudia says, a defeated I-knew-it. “I’d be all ‘try to smash it!’, but since I can’t see you try it and, like, bounce off the glass, what’s the point? I mean, go for it if H.G. wants the lulz.”
“I don’t know what that means!” Helena informs her. That too is a chirp, and Myka’s pleased to note it’ll probably head off the slapstick.
“Kind of a shame,” Claudia says, but with a drag, like she’s picturing it, and Myka is less pleased to have to devoutly hope that picturing involves everybody fully clothed. “Anyway I hate to say it, but it’s pretty clear this is on us, the list-makers.”
Pete groans. “You were supposed to check it twice! It’s right there in the song!”
“Listen, we seriously argued about the wording,” Steve says.
“And oh guess what!” Claudia says, defeat apparently tabled for the moment. “Everybody in the world is going on about their day as usual due to the unshocking news that I was right.”
“No, I was right. I was the one who said ‘proximity’ was likely to be too vague,” Steve says.
Myka’s inclined to agree with him.
“Bro, I was,” Claudia says, “because I said it was likely to be not vague enough.”
Well. Now Myka’s inclined to agree with Claudia.
She sees the conundrum. “I appreciate it either way,” she says, and that quiets the combatants.
“Regardless, we obviously need different wording,” Steve diplomats.
“I think our first mistake was thinking an artifact would word like we thought it should. You need to get more into its head than you did before.”
“I was in a hurry before,” Steve says, a little less diplomatically. “Because you were yelling at me.”
“I am so so so so glad,” Pete hosannas, “that none of this is on me.”
Myka cannot let that stand. “Who gave his cousin a thing?”
A pause. Then, “Whoops,” Pete says, very sad-clown.
Later, she’ll thank him again, but for now, she doesn’t mind having wielded this little shiv, inflicting this little nick, so he’ll remember that there is, or should be, always a downside.
“How fortunate they’re not asking for our help,” Helena says, bringing her back to the upside.
“Who’s better with words though? You certainly are,” Myka says.
“You hold your own, Ms. ‘Pleonast.’ But ssssh. Don’t remind them.”
“We’ll fix it, we promise!” Claudia says.
“Don’t feel compelled to hurry!” Helena directs, cheerily.
Steve says, “I think she means ‘Don’t yell at Steve this time.’” His hopefulness is clear.
“He isn’t wrong,” Helena notes into Myka’s ear.
Pete announces, “I think she means bow chicka wow wow.”
“He isn’t either,” Myka notes back. “Even less so?”
Helena answers by kissing her with intent.
Claudia snorts. “I think no matter what she means, Artie’s gonna kill us.”
“Alas, the least wrong of all,” Helena grants with a sigh.
The wrecking crew’s voices fade, and they may still be making non-wrong statements, but for Myka and Helena there is at last, again, peace. And once Myka pulls Helena back to bed—a delectable spin she is now bold enough to put on their dynamic—there is at last again not-peace.
Lazily later—and these lazy laters are vying to be Myka’s favorite at-last—she says, “Not to overinterpret the artifact’s thinking, but this feels very nice. As an in-proximity situation.”
“This particular proximity seems more than a bit naughty, however,” Helena says, incongruously matter-of-fact. She isn’t wrong. “Pete obviously made an inference to that effect. Perhaps if Steve and Claudia can use that as a way of writing us out of the current situation.”
“I’m sure that’s for the best,” Myka says, with no small amount of regret, first attached to her embarrassment at Pete, Steve, and Claudia’s involvement in that inference, but even more due to the sad fact that this beginning must come to an end.
“Are you...” Helena’s words are a smile.
“No. I’d much rather stay here forever with you.” Her practical side then takes over, as even Helena’s body twined around hers can’t prevent. “But if they don’t fix it we’ll die—pretty soon, unless they can figure out how to get food in.”
“Would the artifact allow us to starve? That seem the antithesis of a situation that might be termed ‘nice.’”
“‘Termed’? Isn’t problematic terminology why we’re still here?”
“Granted. But of course we’ll die regardless.”
The casual, literal fatalism trips Myka up. She temporizes, “The artifact might have something to say about that,” placeholding, as she finds her way to a real response: “But artifact aside... will you though?” It’s a question about... well, about whether Helena is, for want of a better word, real. Speaking of terminology. “Die,” she adds, not as a word she must expel, for its terrible taste, but one she feels a need to place. As a marker.
Helena takes a moment. Before, Myka would have read that pause as censure; it would have pushed her overboard into I-have-overstepped agony. But the plates have shifted, and her footing feels—strange but nice (oh, nice!)—sure.
The answer, when it comes: “Here with you, I don’t want to be bronzed again. So yes.”
That leaves Myka warm, yet shaking her head. “I honestly don’t know a lot about romance.”
“Don’t you?” Helena asks, all of her limbs beginning to move again against all of Myka’s.
Which, for the moment, Myka resists: “So I’m not sure if it’s weird that I find it incredibly romantic for you to have said yes to dying.”
Now Helena’s smile is a smile; she rears away, back and up, showing Myka her face’s full measure of delight. “Weird or no, whatever you find romantic, I’m inclined to approve. If that’s acceptable to you.” Helena bows her head, as if to formally request Myka’s benediction.
The very idea of such an ask floods her with happy tenderness. “Is it okay for me to find that romantic too?”
“‘Okay’ seems a sadly weak word to convey the extent of my approval,” Helena says. “Further, I find it romantic for you to ask my permission to find any thing romantic. Unnecessary, yet romantic. Is that ‘okay’ as well?”
“It’s a relief,” Myka understates. “Can I call it a romantic relief?”
“I don’t see why not. However, to what extent is it romantic, or non-, that we seem to be finding—or placing—ourselves in recursive loops of romantic-allowable querying?” Helena accompanies this academically focused, seemingly serious question with yet more limb movement.
Myka is actively in bed with someone who’s questioning the romantic quotient of recursive loops of romantic-allowable querying. It is a level of “nice” that she could never ever have ideated on her own. “I genuinely cannot believe any of this,” she says.
“I can assure you that I will be taking some time—if allowed, and thus perhaps only in an ideal world, some great length of time—to determine whether your incredulity will ever cease to be tedious and elevate itself to ‘romantic.’ Some great length of time,” she repeats, playfully.
Myka knows Helena’s appreciation for time’s length is far greater than any ordinary individual’s... so this smacks of a promise. Myka’s gratitude rises, as does her willingness to pursue any and all romantic activity, despite her apparently romance-dampening incredulity... but then the limbs pause. “However,” Helena says.
“What’s this ‘however’?” Myka asks, now selfishly impatient.
Helena has, obviously and of course, heard and felt the impatience. Myka’s neck receives a press of lips, a curve of smile. “However: fortunately, at this juncture, belief isn’t required. Participation, on the other hand, is. So?” This is something Myka has always suspected was a Helena tactic, but here in intimacy she recognizes as true: challenge not for its own sake, but as an attitude in which to wrap something different, deeper, some authenticity Helena isn’t fully willing, or doesn’t quite yet know how, to express.
Myka moves her own limbs, her limbs that are even longer than, and just as flexible as, Helena’s. She moves them against Helena’s. She cannot believe she is doing so; nevertheless, she is. She is participating.
She places a chock under this particular incredulity, for unlike facts, the quality of emotions can escape her if she doesn’t consciously tie them down. She paints the word “bonus” on the emotion-wheel as she secures it, to ensure she elevates that felt quality too. Then she eases herself back to the full experience of the physical, this smooth beauty—and that is the word for every touch-heat-rise their bodies execute—that she and Helena together are creating... are enjoying.
She sighs soft against Helena’s neck; in return, Helena offers again her lips-on-skin smile.
They are participating. In this. Together. Lips on skin.
“So,” Myka agrees.
END
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unopenablebox · 7 months ago
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i admit that i find it a little bit frustrating how Wildly Astonished other antizionist jews act when i tell them my israeli jewish family have lived in the region since [some unknown length of time before 1800 when there start being records about it]
#and then they're like ''ohhh they're mizrahi!'' [connotation nonwhite‚ virtuously indigenous]#and i have to be like. no. it's just that‚ as palestine was in fact ottoman-administered greater syria for most of the last 600 years‚#you could get there from other parts of the ottoman empire. such as the part of now-ukraine your ashkenazi family is also from.#it wasn't actually a hermetically sealed arab-only ethnostate that evaporated immigrants on sight. it was a pretty decent place to live as#a jew by at least some accounts. or better than the front of the hapsburg-ottoman war anyway which is where they were coming from.#i'm not sure who you think it's serving exactly to believe that there were literally no ashkenazim in the middle east before the 1st aliyah#however there were some. and this information does not actually threaten a modern anti-state of israel position like at all.#but since apparently you've constructed your new Diaspora-Centric Identity around the idea that 'palestine' and 'diaspora'#are the two mutually exclusive nonoverlapping regions and the former is ontologically a no-european-jews-allowed zone#i guess i can give you a minute to try to figure it out.#ugh sorry this is nothing it isn't anything. for one thing it's fantastically unimportant#and for another thing i don't know how to like talk about it in a way that doesn't make me sound at least kind of like im trying to justify#myself as being somehow less complicit or something. i mean i think my complicity as an american dwarfs the rest of it honestly but.#i just feel really insanely alienated where the rhetoric of my theoretically most closely politically aligned group is not really built to#like. accommodate the facts of my family history.#sorry. i have honestly no idea why im so obsessed with articulating this concept ive just been chewing on it pointlessly for days#box opener
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unordinary-diary · 3 months ago
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Blyke and John: the Followup
In my last entry, I pointed out the similarities between chapters 249 and 121, but I had hit the image limit and wasn’t able to embed screenshots. I got around this by linking the chapters, but this is probably my favorite parallel, and to do it justice I think I need to really put them next to each other.
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It’s the same fucking scene but backwards and in a different font.
They’re the SAAAAAAAAAAME!!!!!!!!
This was definitely on purpose. Shit like this ^^ doesn’t happen by accident.
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trees-to-meet-you · 9 months ago
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God. What if Pandora didn’t want to open the box. What if she was manipulated, her hands tied to and guided by strings she couldn’t shake off. What if when she released the horrors out into the world, Hope chose to stay with her, in the box. What if Pandora couldn’t rid herself of that guilt. What if Hope couldn’t convince her that not all was lost, and that she wasn’t responsible for the strings around her hands. That she wasn’t a monster.
What if Pandora and Hope found a way to trap everything in the box again. What if Pandora couldn’t do it. What if she didn’t want anyone else to feel the guilt she did. What if she thought that trapping the horrors in the box would just doom everyone into the same cycle. What if she felt she had to break it by bearing the suffering of everyone else. What if Hope tried to convince her that it could be better. What if she wouldn’t save herself. What if Hope had to kill Pandora for a chance to save everyone, including her. What if they both were sealed in the box. What if no one ever knew what happened to them. What if their last words to the world and to each other were “I love you.”
What if the world ending was never Pandora’s fault, but in her guilt and grief she blamed herself for it, and the Hope that voluntarily stayed by her side had to take her life to save it.
What if?
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wormchaser · 2 months ago
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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serpentface · 11 months ago
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Based on my and now a few other users (that I've seen) experiences, it SEEMS like tumblr has some sort of automated filter active currently that hides image posts from the dashboard/tags immediately upon posting if an algorithm detects (real or imagined) sexual content. I first noticed this alongside the latest wave of spambots and I'm guessing it's their method of dealing with that? (I have no way of knowing if it's been going on longer though)
There is no indication that your work has been hidden and it's not the same mechanism as flagged content. It sounds like in some cases the post will eventually show up (which suggests there might be human verification as part of the process??maybe???), but in some cases it never does.
It's definitely some sort of automated function and not a glitch, as it only happens to specific images (not at random) and covering the image with a giant censor bar, covering up any obvious 'inappropriate' bits, or putting a color filter over it (especially if it eliminates flesh tones) will allow the same image to be posted.
So far for me it has filtered frontal nudity (within tumblr guidelines), sexual looking positions (within tumblr guidelines), and some entirely innocuous shit that I can't figure out for the life of me what it's detecting. I've had no issues posting nudity that isn't flesh-toned.
There's no mention of this feature that I've can find so this is all based on guessing and experimentation (in the form of desperately trying to find a workaround lol) so don't take my word on how exactly this function works. But this is definitely A Thing That Is Happening.
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weaponizedducks · 8 months ago
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after rewatching knives out for the billionth time i have come to the conclusion that chris evans and daniel craig thrive in the silly goofy roles. get them out of the Sexy Cool Action Hero™ typecast and let them go apeshit
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longagoitwastuesday · 3 months ago
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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antiqua-lugar · 17 days ago
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i cannot stop thinking about two specifc quotes from iwtv 2022 which are:
"A wolf mother praised for not killing his cubs" - I know there isn't much to speculate about when it comes to Lestat until we get his version in season 3, but it really feels like a really significant moment of him coming to grapple with all the abuse he is inflicting on others since it's a far cry away from "I have been cursed with my maker's temper" (also love that "maker" could mean both his vampire maker and his human father). Like for the first time he's not acknowledging the violence inherent in him as simply the way things are and can't be changed - he is facing the fact that he lets it happen. I know we had the "I broke him" moment before, but that was about himself as much as it was about Louis and the audience. The wolf mother line is uttered to himself in defeat.
"I own the night" line immediately following Louis' reconciliation with Lestat where he promised to start "living more honestly". There is something very interesting to me about how one of Louis "suppressed" memories was the one where he told Lestat he was going to cut his head off and feed it to the lions immediately following his vivid description of hunting down and killing everyone from the Vampire coven. Like yeah a lot of Louis toning down his more aggressive behaviour comes from this been his retelling of events, which was already very interesting to me in the context of Louis having to tone down himself all the time especially in season 1 as a black man in New Orleans because duh, but especially if you consider that "Be all the things you are" was such a massive reason behind Louis' turning. Like the fact that Louis reclaiming his life also comes through Louis' reclaiming the more aggressive side of himself and that's a GOOD thing as part of him taking control of his own narrative and his own life. (Also the connection to Claudia asking who Louis is without her or Lestat and the role Claudia's anger played in the narrative specifically contrasted to Louis' apparent lack of anger especially in the Paris arc.)
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fluffypotatey · 1 year ago
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you ever think about how MK never gets a chance to really define himself?
#had this thought while driving home#like he barely even gets any chance to place some identity other than monkie kid and delivery boy bc he always gets interrupted#every villain has their own preconceived notion on who and what he is#Demon Bull family saw him as a ‘little thief’ and ‘noodle boy’#Spider Queen called him junior or something????#Macky even told MK that he is nothing w/o the staff. He also projected a lot of his anger with swk to MK bc he saw a lot of similarities#LBD did one better and shattered his own self worth by feeding into his insecurities and trying to mold him into her pawn (champion? will w#ever know what she wanted and why she wanted Mac to capture mk and swk???? what was their role that she wanted them to play???)#Azure even tries to assert his own perceptions on MK in the special and oh boy how he snaps back (🥰 so satisfying)#‘Oh there’s nothing mindless about me…friend’ <- one of the rare times MK puts his foot down when other try to assume what he is#I betchu s5 will focus on MK grappling with his identity bc we laid some foundations he is ok with acknowledging it#But actually processing what this meant for him? I have a guess that he wants to avoid that#And the ironic part is that swk (if he knew which I think so) is now the one trying to get MK to communicate his thoughts and feelings#It’s swk who warned MK about the dangers of hiding or avoiding huge issues like having a giant & powerful monkey form#bc swk has spent like the past 3 seasons doing the opposite of what he’s preaching to MK at the special (this is why i love him he’s trying#lmk#lego monkie kid#lmk mk#lmk qi xiaotian#qi xiaotian
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selfinflictedgunshotwound · 3 months ago
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trying to finish reading dungeon meshi now that it's done and just seeing everyone in the comments talking about ships. gun to my head
#ofc anytime someone says they ship smth straight someone has to be like 'ermmmm labru and farcille are better' like. not to me.... sorry#i actually do like farcille but people are so annoying about it acting like it's 'essentially canon' that it puts me off.#tbf that why i dislike a lottttt of ships LMAO not that i'm in the habit of caring abt it too much in most media#but sometimes it just really annoys me liiike laios and marcille have just as much ship tease as farcille (if not more)#but they couldn't get naked and go in the bath together so it doesn't count ig#tbf i'm not even huge on any ships except maybe fleki and lycion. i love when two equally weird ppl love each other#also like. they already had someone in the story who was head over heels for falin and i'm pretty sure shuro and marcille act nothing alike#when it comes to her. so. eh. i mean yadda yadda subtext or whatever i guess lol but if it can just as easily read as not romantic then#i kinda find it hard to care honestly. which is why i don't really ship anything from it. which brings me back to my original point#why is that basically all people talk about when it comes to anything... it should be a garnish not the whole god damn dish#and there's soooooo much in dungeon meshi that's more interesting than romance which is basically never once a priority#anyways. i'm just being an asshole and a hater as usual so go about your business and do what you want. i'll just be mad about it alone#labru is so nothing burger though i will never understand...
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dogboytits · 15 days ago
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i know its been said before but it truly is absolutely fucking crazy to me that saying that the genocide in palestine is bad is like.. a radical and controversial take. i cannot believe that more usamericans arent fucking furious that their tax money is being spent on committing genocide. why does no one give a shit. i feel like im losing it for real
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monty-glasses-roxy · 9 months ago
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I think it would be kinda funny if Roxy, with no attractions to run and not a lot else to do during the day, keeps getting really bored and showing up in the atrium with random shit that was discontinued years ago.
Like I dunno shows up driving a little train thing that used to drive people around all the different areas of the Plex or something and uses it to get people into areas they don't have a pass for as she runs over the staffbots that take your party passes. Starts her own robot wars thing on the main stage with a bunch of shitty remote controlled toys she found in the basement and taped a bunch of plastic cutlery to for weapons. Rallies a bunch of kids to call Freddy over and the second he pokes his head over the third floor balcony railing she fucking shoots him right in the face with a ball gun.
She does this kind of thing after hours too of course, but sometimes it's just a really slow day and she feels like the manager isn't mad at her enough yet lmao
#manager like: it's been a long week...#when it's only monday.#thing is she has literally nothing else to do#she's meant to entertain and she has no way of doing that other than arcade games and shit#which is bound to get boring eventually#hates golf so she's not playing that and she's banned from fazerblast#so either she goes and hangs out with the toddlers at the daycare (unlikely) watch a movie for the 800000th time in the theatre-#join Chica in her boring ass mazercise and fall over in a yoga class that's too slow for her#OR she can go bowling with Bonnie OR she can just piss the managers off and fuck off behind the scenes#just leaves to some abandoned area to entertain herself instead I guess#but like genuinely. she has so few choices and she's probably bored of all of them#why not spice it up with a remote control crab fight on the main stage? she's BORED!!!#she's got nothing better to do than hijack an old locomotive and start not-so-subtley sneaking people into places they didn't pay to go to!#some of these things don't even make her that much less bored but at least she's got something to do now!#might as well do it now she's got it right? management are gonna yell at her anyway!#choo choo motherfuckers Roxy just flattened a staffbot for shits and giggles!#quickly becoming the animatronic the kids think are so cool and amazing but are also too shy and nervous to approach#cause really who steals a fucking TRAIN?!#anyway.#roxanne wolf#fnaf security breach#WHY NOT PUT THIS IN THE MAIN TAGS ITS FUNNY#flys plex history#I guess? eh whatever close enough
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blujayonthewing · 3 months ago
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SUPREMELY frustrating that we found something actually really cool and intriguing and plot relevant in tonight's session but I'm still so constantly preoccupied with whether the DM is going to 100% kill us with sheer poor game design that I barely have enough brainspace left over to even enjoy it
#the first half of the session was a random-off-a-rolltable encounter that had nothing to do with anything and gave us literally nothing#and used up all our resources and took a REALLY long time because it was-- you guessed it! another deadly encounter for some reason!!#that's 100% of the encounters we've had so far!#and EXPLICITLY not related to what we were trying to investigate AND creatures that drop neither loot NOR BODIES#(two wil o the wisps and a water wierd)#we did a lot better in this encounter but it WAS deadly going off CR#and the point is now we've done just a short rest and THEN found the Plot Thing-- which our bard used up a bunch of resources to access#SO NOW IT'S LIKE. OKAY LOOK. I WANNA PLAY IN THIS SPACE BUT YOU KEEP TRYING TO KILL US WITH THINGS THAT AREN'T EVEN IMPORTANT#ARE YOU ABOUT TO WHOOPSIE-DOODLE US INTO A TPK ON ACCIDENT HERE???#like... it FEELS dangerous and A Bad Idea to engage with in a way that paradoxically SHOULD mean it's safer in a game like this#like-- okay if this was ACTUALLY as dangerous as it feels we wouldn't BE here on session six. does that make sense?#like when justin had us encounter a lich at level two in session three and I was immediately like OH okay he must have a plan here.#clearly some Scripted Plot is going to happen because there's no other reason he would put us up against a lich three sessions in. you know?#we started dying immediately and I was not afraid at all as a player because I trust justin wouldn't do that for no reason#or be so stupid to have that happen accidentally#THIS CAMPAIGN HOWEVER.... I DON'T TRUST LIKE THAT!!!#ARE WE GONNA FOR REAL PERMADIE BECAUSE YOU WASTED ALL OF OUR RESOURCES ON A RANDOM ENCOUNTER FIRST AND YOU DIDN'T THINK ABOUT THAT#ARE WE GONNA FOR REAL PERMADIE BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T REALIZE WE COULD USE THE ITEM YOU GAVE US TO OPEN THIS DOOR WITH A 5TH LEVEL SPELL#I WANNA PLAY IN THE SPACE BUT IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE THERE'S ROOM FOR RISKTAKING WHERE THE BAD OUTCOMES WOULDN'T BE UNFUN CATASTROPHIC#AAAAUUUUGHHH#[shaking him violently] what do you mean that random encounter was a deadly encounter again what do you MEEEAAN#'oh huh this fight's taking longer than I thought' THEIR AC IS 19 AND THEY'RE RESISTANT TO NONMAGIC DAMAGE??#THE WATER WIERD KEEPS DISAPPEARING BACK INTO THE POND WHERE IT'S INVISIBLE??? MY BROTHER IN CHRIST HOW DID YOU EXPECT US TO DO IT FAST#hhhhhHHHH!!!!#I SHOULD BE THINKING AND TALKING ABOUT HOW COOL THE SECOND HALF OF THE SESSION GENUINELY WAS BUT I'M TOO STRESSED TO HAVE FUN#cannot stress enough that I'm in a million campaigns and I never have this problem with other DMs or with Highly Dangerous DnD Situations#melliwyk's party are in mortal peril constantly and it's... reaching a point where it's tiresome for how badly it's wearing on the PCs#but it rarely feels unfun stressful as a player playing a game#I never feel like the DM is about to accidentally end the whole campaign by bumblefucking us into a TPK at random#you know? it's different. this just feels unmanageable
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blackswallowtailbutterfly · 3 months ago
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Still haven't messaged my mom back. And I don't think I'm going to.
#you know how they say time makes you look on the past with nostalgia and that's why elderly people think so fondly of past decades? not me#there are moments I look back on with nostalgia sure but the overwhelming feeling of looking back on my childhood is just whatever I do#wherever I go whatever happens that will not be my life again. my memory is long I made a promise to myself I intend to keep I don't forget#support you having your grandkids if their mother is deemed unfit yes. take the older two myself if it comes to it yes. move provinces to#live with you to look after the five of them together where you would be my only adult connection and there's a language barrier and I have#no work history and I'd be between five hours and nine hours away from any other connection I have answer's an absolute fucking no. I've#seen how you are with my sister how you were with my brother. who do you think they call when they've had enough of you? do you not#remember most of the beatings I took was because I was standing between you and my brother? of course not because according to you you#never did beat me but if you think I'm not aware that would turn on me again the second I'm no longer distant and just visiting if you#think you'd find nothing to complain about because you've built up this golden child ideal of me in your head and want to forget how it was#when I was actually in your care you are very very wrong. I remember. I know that inconveniences a lot of people who want to forget#unpleasant things about themselves. me too to be honest I have memories I wish I could erase but I can't especially with regard to my#sister. I defended my brother but not her. not enough. and it's probably why I give so much to her now more than I should because it's#enabling but it is what it is I guess. I won't use my memories against anyone just for the sake of it but I absolutely fucking will#to protect myself or others. you want a redemption arc without admitting to anything? keep being patient and kind towards#your grandchildren even if you end up having to take them and if you can't do it for all five of them then accept that it's better for the#older two to be with me. that's it. those are your options: the older two are with me so you only have to look after the younger three or#you need to buckle down and learn from your past mistakes to look after the five of them and all that is *if it even comes to that* which#as things are it's not in danger of that! it was a regular fucking visit to monitor the situation that's all; they're not getting taken#literally every time she freaks out about something it's a 50/50 chance it's actually something or she's invented a completely#twisted version of events
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