#which cut me fucking deep
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so it’s been exactly one year since I went through a very difficult break up (the kind that simply rips your heart out of your chest and makes you feel like you’re trying to breathe underwater).
aside from this almost relationship, I’ve been single for 7 years and in this time I’ve learned so much about myself and have grown to love my own company. I’ve achieved so many of my goals and dreams and have busted my ass towards my career. it is amazing to look back and see how far I’ve come and I am so fucking proud of myself.
but fuck the loneliness sucks.
I have a tough relationship with my folks, I don’t have a lot of friends, I travel for a living so I’m never anywhere long enough to settle and have a life. I am more than fine during the day, but at night? I yearn for someone to genuinely ask me how my day went, or to stand up to my mom for me, to make the grocery list or wash the dishes because they know I hate washing the dishes. someone who makes my life easier because they love me. someone who will hold me at night, rubbing circles on my back or tell me that they’re just nightmares. someone who will touch me just for the sake of being close, not because they want something from it. someone who loves me for ME, not the person they want me to be or because “they have to”.
and I am grateful I have me, myself and I and the great company that brings. I go on many adventures with myself! that is a gift I will forever cherish. but it would be so nice to not have to navigate everything alone.
I am far from perfect, I have issues, but I will always try. try to be better, try to do better, try to crack open that hard shell to show you my soft inside, to be vulnerable and honest with how I feel even if that scares me. I just hope to find someone patient and gentle enough to handle me.
so until then, I will read my cheesy lover girl books and my soft!Joel Miller fics and dream of Pedro and the other charming men who make me feel safe. I’ll do my shitty watercolour paintings because it brings my inner child joy and rollerblading with all of my dorky padding.
I just hope for me, myself and I that I find the person who brings me that peace. a man who shows up for me. a man who makes my life easier.
I feel annoying for saying “a man” “a man” “a man” blah blah blah BARF, but I also have to be honest with myself and how I feel and this is where I feel most comfortable sharing that.
alas.
#apparently I’m not wife material#which cut me fucking deep#means nothing coming from a coward#but it still hurt#a lot#and he knows it#and said it on purpose#and I’ll never forgive him for that#tessa's assets#pedro pascal#joel miller#joel miller fanfiction#sad girl hours#I’m tired of being hyper independent#and chronically alone
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY CUT OUT THE MIKKSY LOMBO REUNION HUG????
AFTER ALL WEVE BEEN THROUGH?? YOU DARE????? DOES LOVE MEAN NOTHING TO UOU PEOPLE NOWADAYS?????
#CATMIN IF YOU CAN HEAR ME#RELEASE THE FINN CUT#I need to see “are you the basketball team?” “this guy? (points to lombo)” luosty hug w lombo PLEASE#BUT ALSO I NEED TO SEE MY EXES#I NEED TO SEE MAN SO CONNECTED WITH LOMBO THEY FUCKING ASKED HIM ABOUT HIM ON NHLWAM#LIKE WDYM HE WAS ASKED ABOUT SENKO AND THENNMN THEY WENT SO LOMBO-#LIKE WHAT THE HELL#man tormented with lombo even in finnish...#annoying guy to play against... babe wake up you have to play against him again#but now you have a deep intricate relationship with him#which means youll bully him MORE
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really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no
#not even for a major thing!#barely setting a boundary even! just saying i don’t want to do smth!#asking me if i want to go for dinner one evening when he knows i work late most days and have said this for years - in fact said this exact#thing to him last week - so when i say no bc i finish late he just pushes and pushes#until im like this doesn’t work for me AND i hate eating out i dont want to go. just go with my brother that’s fine. and he’s suddenly#blunt as fuck in his messages leaving me on read or guilting me about the hours i work….. like get a fucking grip your over 50 bro#i try to be polite with it but he just gets in a fucking mood like please you are a Loser#i see you weekly (smth HE chose when i was a bairn) like im not making my job and life harder just bc you feel bad that you don’t see me#more often now#also i only hate eating out with him!! because it’s awkward!! i like to be in and out when i eat with friends and we’re all the same about#it bc we’re all very autistic lmaooo but with him he likes to chat and chat and chat which is fine but i don’t.. and he asks more personal#questions than when we’re just at his as if im gonna open up just bc we’re eating thai food 🙄🙄🙄🙄#like you Don’t get to know if im seeing anyone or if im queer or even if ive got fucking plans to go away with friends tbh#like deadbeat dads that try to emotionally manipulate their kids get minimal information actually !! 🤓☝️#stelle yaps#fuck sake#i knew he’d start doing this when my brother was back - he’s always played us off each other and he always gravitates towards whichever is#the ‘easiest’ child at the time which is my brother ever since i became an adult lmao#i just don’t tolerate his shit and i let him know it whereas e will play along#me and my dad are too similar in that we both know how to really cut deep in the other :/#it just all sucks#please please feel free to ignore#i just need to vent like hell bc he winds me up a treat so bad
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cant sleep instead of brain there is au fanfiction
#CANT stop thinking about the possibilities of ‘ethan brings jayadeep home’ au i cannot#and specifically these like scenes i have crystallized in my brain about it#like. like. okay.#where he’s going to go to london like in canon. and jacob responds to this news by getting piss drunk and dragging jayadeep along with him#and it all culminates in. seventeen year old jacob who has never learned how to lose anyone in a way that isnt forever and who is even worse#about protecting his heart from the world. that jacob being the one to grab jayadeep by the shoulders. jacob who has had him for five years#which is forever when you are seventeen. forever when he first laid eyes on him at twelve and decided with evie ‘we’re keeping him’#that jacob is the one who knows jayadeep is leaving and knows london eats assassins alive and demands without room for refusal that they#make a vow here and now. cut their hands open and press the wounds together. blood brothers. and they do. the wound is still scabbing over#when jayadeep’s on the train to london. it leaves a scar. so does jacob’s. (blood brothers. jacob says. with me. and pauses. and evie.#its *our* blood. you’re evie’s too.)#and then thinks about. thinks about. evie demands letters. she is Not letting him leave when he’s the only person who will follow her on#half the subjects she researches so evie demands letters. back and forth month after month year after year until the screeching halt of#evie’s script turned harsh and deep into the paper when she says their father is dying and he won’t let her or jacob see him but. but. but.#jayadeep is not them. of course he goes back.#(‘henry’ jacob says exactly once when they meet at the train station. well. ‘meet.’ jacob ambushes him around a corner and drags him back#into the shadow of the building and nearly gets stabbed for it but finds it too funny not to pull. ‘greenie’ he jumps on the minute he comes#up with it. but mostly. mostly still ‘jay’. because there is no escape from the nickname someone gives you when they’re twelve.)#and anyway henry being the only one of them ethan will see. not that he’s unaware that jacob and evie are behind henry being there.#the sort of powerless aimless anger and pre-grief in the twins & henry having to bring them their dad’s words secondhand……… augh#the dramas of it all. truly.#most of the au i think of is tiny twelve year old twins ganging up on sixteen year old jayadeep (<- freshly exiled and traumatized by it)#it takes a while for him to go from Oddity to Family i think. but he does. weird little assassin family. fucked up little guys.
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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it was once observed by a dear friend that the hours in which i am most alert are like 7pm to 2am which probably explains a lot about how my posts get worse throughout the evening. but also sometimes i look at today where i was just sort of gnawing the couch all day until about 5pm when i wrote an entire fic in two hours and then another entire post about kaapo which to be clear took another two hours bc i had to chase links and explain my passions in a kind way and this was in addition to a church meeting. i would excel as the person who lights and then extinguishes lamps in the night
#this morning my therapist was like your eyes are red what's going on#and i said bro i am not on drugs. it is cold and dry in my apartment and i was standing in front of a sad lamp#and they said ah. a sun lamp. i see#YES. BC I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON AND I AM BEING PUNISHED BY CAPITALISM TO GO TO THERAPY AT 10 IN THE MORNING#INSTEAD OF 6PM WHEN I WOULD BE ABLE TO HOLD A CONVERSATION BETTER#i think they think i am abusing substances. human the reason i am the way i am bc i am not abusing substances#i am rawdogging reality in almost every way and i HATE it. i am experiencing a full of range of emotions in real life!!#one good thing about today i must say. i looked in the mirror and went oh wow my california hair stylist did a good job!#my california hair stylist was good at cutting my hair in that she was filipina and understood how to cut filipino hair#she was not good at cutting my hair in that she would get too deep in explaining warriors drama and get distracted while cutting my hair#and up doing something absolutely wacko that made me look like a pepe frog guy bc she was too amped up about klay and steph#and then i'd be stuck with fucking alt right hair for a good three weeks and my only saving grace is how i look ambiguously ethnic#BUT when i saw her last i was like i need you to give me a haircut where if i can't get my hair cut for four months i don't#look stupid as hell. and she said oh yeah i can do that. and gave me a blow by blow of klay and steph's divorce while cutting my hair#and i was fearing for my life. but now that it has grown out pretty significantly i will say she did a very good job of cutting it#unlike every other time i grew out my hair in a big way and it looked incredibly stupid for several months until it evened out#but she cut it so it looks like my hair is on purpose. which i appreciate!#now i have more time to decide if i want to avenge bo bichette and grow out my hair again#without feeling stressed about looking incredible stupid and unkempt#thank you nicole...a true ally...i will never forget how much you hate kevin durant even though you stressed me out so bad...#and you may be wondering why if she gave me that many bad hair cuts why i'd keep going to her#and the answer is: bc i only want my warriors and 49ers news to be reported by an energetic filipina lesbian holding razor on my neck#and unfortunately the local newspaper beats just can't replicate that experience#fresno oilers.txt
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Honestly your tags are so fun to read every time, i'm almost more excited for them than the actual post (but not entirely because your art is SO GOOD!!!! i adore it). If you don't mind me asking, what are you studying?
i am studying psychology because i refuse to see a therapist so ill figure out whats wrong with me myself !!!!!!!
#snap chats#WITH. a minor in human resources ☝️ because im evil or something#and whatever character/s i decide to fixate on for the next three years i will also psychoanalyze them I Guess. //loud coughing//#tbh i only saw a therapist to get medicine but since bloodwork is expensive without insurance i dont even do that anymore. sad !#but yeah im a certified rambler if i dont share every thought i have so people understand me as much as i want them to ill die#which is why charles xavier if youre out there you have full rights to my brain .......... //gross wink sound//#why cant telepaths be real itd make my life so much easier. i woudnt have to talk a mile a minute anymore#because i do talk very fast because growing up my mom would cut me off a lot#so now i talk fast in fear of being cut off without all my thoughts being heard. anyways.#thank you for also enjoying my art :] a sideshow to the glory that is my tags i KNOWWW but im glad my efforts are not unnoticed 😌#back to My Major tho when i was in middle school i thought i wanted to go into comic books#but then i thought id lose my love for drawing if i did it professionally so now i do it. semi professionally#on my own terms babyyyy thats right. and if im lucky i get paid to draw my faves im living the dream babes#thats why my text posts take nine years for me to type im legitimately sitting here thinking if i said everything i wanted#and if i worded it right but even then after it's up im like 'but did i word it right tho' but its like 'bro just fucking POST IT'#'ITS NOT THAT DEEP' its as my favorite professor once told me 'youre very paranoid' and he's right !!!! im very paranoid 🥰#ok im done now. see thats why i say Ok Im Done Now its a sign im forcing myself to shut UP#wait not done Almost but not quite i was rewatching 97 to Try to get caps of charles in his combat uniform#and i fear i still cackle at erik telling charles to shut up like PLEAAASSE...... i need that bit CLIPPED#it makes me giggle ... someone remind me to clip all of erik's cameos in the squirrelgirl podcast btw#ive been meaning to do that for weeks but. oops <3 i need all my grandpa's moments CATALOGUED and AT THE READY..#ok i done fr now i have class with my you're-paranoid professor in like an hour and i wanna get some work done before then#BYYYYYEEEE. FOR LIKE TWENTY MINUTES PROBABLY IDK
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It *does* hurt that I got let go without any warning (even if I knew it was a possibility, especially since it's the slow season now and they're specifically replacing half of my department with other stuff) *because* I've been looking for other jobs with the plan to do a full two-weeks notice when I found one, and I've been secretly planning this entire time to eventually leave, making things as neat and easy as possible for whoever ends up overseeing my department. I didn't want any of the extra work to fall on my coworkers, the other department managers who have their own workloads. So it really sucks that higher-ups decided that I didn't deserve any warning, and neither did any of my teammates who will now have to pick up all the slack without any guidance from me.
#sorenhoots#it's fine. its fine! its just a liquor store.#stop worrying so much about it please brain PLEASE its fine. they're fine.#its fine it's fine its fine its just a liquor store.#yeah no one will care about my cusotmers and the store wont know to order the special orders anymore but its fine.#the customers will find their alcohol somewhere else or theyll find something different or just give up. it's fine. its just alcohol.#literally worst case scenario is that a customer cant get their favorite wine anymore which is FINE its not the end of the world#i know i put my heart into it and now i feel a little crushed but its fine... it'll be fine. i always knew it was a possibility.#wine departments are always the lowest income. beer and spirits always do better. wine departments always get the first budget cuts.#thats why they never actually gave me a manager salary or health insurance. they didnt want a wine manager. they just needed one until the#holiday season ended. my coworkers will be fine without me.#all the Chardonnay Bob stupidly bought will go on sale in 4-6 years or get thrown away in 8-10 and itll be FINE 💜 its not a big deal.#its not like i stopped Bob from wasting their money anyways. its not like i could. what good is a manager who cant even keep some stupid#fucker from wasting their money on shit thats going to gather dust for a decade and then get thrown out? maybe itll be liquidated if they#decide to stop carrying wine entirely. i couldnt even do my job because they put some idiot in a position above me who fucked up my shit all#the time so why wouldnt they get rid of me?#its fine its fine its fine its fine. ill be fine of course! there are other jobs here actually. ive been looking for a better job for a#while now and turned down some half-decent offers because i had a 3/4th decent job at the time. ill just pick one of the 1/2 decent ones now#and keep looking for something better too. im going to get back into science...!! thats what i really want.#im going to go back to the field i love. itll hurt even worse when the jobs are cruel and stupid but...i dont want anything else.#if im going to be subjected to the stupid-ass system of capitalism and heartless employers then im going to do it in science where i have a#deep and burning passion. ill...just need to try to thicken my skin to the inenvitable horrors of labor and being treated as a machine that#makes a CEO richer. but if im stuck spending my life making a CEO richer then i might as well try to find something i enjoy.
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.
#tw vent i guess??#came here just to post smth that i'm most probably gonna delete later then leave#but aughhhh last week has been SO bad i really really needed to get it off my chest#had the final boss of a sick victorian child episode for like two weeks AND tons of college stuff to do-#-AND a test on a subject that i'm horrible at (and that i'm gonna fail fs)#AND i was supposed to get a septum which is something that i'd been looking forward to for literal YEARS#but upon telling my parents about it (cause they're kinda strict and ig they would like to know) i changed my mind#cause my mom took it SO personally.... like it was HER face not mine?🤨 but hey!#and although i had the decency to at the very least let her know that i was getting a piercing (which wasn't necessary for me to do but-#-i did it anyway out of consideration for her)#she has the fucking SPINE to tell me how i could do whatever the fuck i wanted if i cared more about getting it than about her opinion-#-but she would always think it was disgusting and that i had no right to get angry at her if she didn't look me in the face or#wanted to walk or be with me cause it'd make her embarrassed to be with me in public if i had that shit on my face.#and it hurts a lot not just bc of the fuckass piercing. but bc my parents (esp my mom) always react like this whenever i make a little-#-change on my appearanceor cut my hair or buy oversized clothes or whateverand like#if she's gonna be soooo hurt when i get a tiny piece of metal on my face. how is she gonna react when i tell her i want to get tattoos.#start taking hormones. change my name. get top and bottom surgery. be completely changed physically.#is she gonna die is the world gonna end. is she just going to stop talking to me forever.#because a piercing is not just a decoration. to me right now it's an extension of the changes i want to undergo on my body.#it's a step forward to looking the way i want too look#so a rejection to any change i do on my body feels like an indirect rejection to be being trans. and the fact that they're unaware of#just how deep their rejection cuts (bc i'm not out) makes me even angrier at them.#and upon the realization that if i ever came out to my mom (and the rest of my family too tbh) she would react *exactly* like this.#well. i did not take that very well.#wasn't very demure of her to say all that. not very mindful not very cutesy :/#also been sh-ing more bc if this and ughhh what a shit week. hope this one's better#also. i decided i'm still gonna get a septum this year. don't know when but fuck all that. it's gonna bother them all the same#no matter what time of the year i get it done. or if i do it in a year or two or five. so who gives a shit.#anyway. gonna delete later probably#📎
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I made a plan of reset activities to do over the winter break. I just added to it "sleep marathon"...
I am so tired.
I feel like I need like...2 days of >10h of sleep to get some of my old self back 😅
And then we'll work from there...
#rant in the tags#rant#burnout#studyblr#highly sensitive person#words thrown at the wall#toxic productivity#consumerism#capitalism#fuck this society which tells me on and off social media that every corner of my life should be 'optimized'#optimization meaning cutting down on rest and downtime and time for real learning and discovery and deep work in effort to 'do more'#which if you're admired by the masses means doing more to#earn more money much faster so you can buy all manner of products to make you and your space 'pretty'#according to a rather limited definition of pretty#istg the pressure is *everywhere* and it's up to me to decide how it should affect my mindset#because that will affect how i act#i keep falling into the same old trap#why oh why did we create a society where it's celebrated to live life as if it's a competition to be won?
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a starstruck odyssey is for lovers
#more than acofaf even. the love story of the wurst is what dreams are made of#emilymurph sitting next to each other...skip straightest man ever prince of alien slugs learning to be free bc of the crew...gnosis...#best on average npcs. lucienne plug bambi leroux the butch at the space station fuckin space heiress trust fund baby bajar crunch moon jone#and this is not to say ANYTHING of how good the characters are.#they could keep making d20 seasons forever and starstruck will always be a cut above the rest because of how fucking good the setting is#like with crown of candy even tho i loved it sm i feel like some politics were discarded in favor of the others; all out war was eh to me#the build up to a war tho? now that's interesting that's where the juice is basically i wanted asoiaf book one vibes with this cast but#that's a matter of personal preference! i don't feel like acoc did the most that could've been done with a “politics” campaign#dimension 20#dropout.tv#a starstruck odyssey#because of their deep investment in the world and the genre it never feels like starstruck couldn't do anything. it feels limitless!#season two...god if they never do one that'd be such wasted capability#ik fantasy high is so beloved and it is a beautiful lasagna of time and playing style but if i could get multiple seasons w starstruck...#the thing that makes asoiaf asoiaf is that we have a similar level of insight into the minds of baddies like the lannisters as we do into#the minds of the clean jesus allegory starks. and in acoc the “worst” character we got from the heroes was lapin n even he was aligned#to the rocks' cause. saccharina WAS a rocks -- that was her whole deal -- and even then she wasn't a morally reproachable character bc#she was right! i wanted acoc to be down and dirty and when they said ravening would be i was excited but even that turned out to be them#destroying a secret cult which was going to kill the world. no really down low shenanigans!
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on the one hand i want to try for a second wind to stay up and get really into something but on the other hand im sleepy and im pretty sure my husband went to bed without me so i honestly might as well
#back in godot learning thingssssssss#trying to do anything i can to distract myself from the abysmal lack of work ive been able to find lately LOL#genuinely ive had 1 commission in the last 2 weeks like its so joever im so hungry#not to be like “the economy” but man i used to be doing upwards of 20 coms a week when i was really nuts#making a couple grand a month etc#but shits gone so to pieces between ai and the cost of living crisis that like i get no work anymore at all ever#the bone deep resistance i have to having to get another shitty day job is insane tho after what the last one did to me#idk but ive been losing a ton of sleep over it lately and ive been having nightmares every night again#so i guess i really gotta solve that sooner rather than later. esp bc we cant buy groceries indefinitely like this#ive cut back to eating cereal in the morning and then something for dinner after having a really good streak of eating 3 hardy meals a day#which sucks but what can you do#gotta stop being a big fat failure if i want to eat like a. not failure. a succeeder#ig theres the ego of it too bc coms have been my fulltime job for years so like the dead dropoff lately is so#what if it ends tomorrow right. what if it ends next week. what if it doesnt end until next year#what if it never ends and im just unemployed sitting on my ass pretending i still have a career doing what i love#which is already what it feels like bc ive been scrounging for pennies to put food on the table for months now#like idk man. its joever let it go let it die. but that means getting a shit fucking job somewhere and god i do not want to LOL#i wont have the energy to do anything anymore and im such a brittle person this time of year anyway#whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr#im gunna try to sleep bye o/
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what's worse drinking or cutting
#decided to drink but cut down my alcohol consumption etc etc but really i wonder which one should i hehe cut off#i feel like drinking is more socially acceptable even though it makes me go through the whole spectrum of human emotions rather fast#it's not a threat or anything but i don't think i can quit both#i don't think i did both those things regularly simultaneously i mostly cut or mostly drank no overlap#so when i told people i'm not drinking i was cutting religiously and when i told people i don't cut i was drinking every weekend#idk man i'm just a bad person#killed a spider and that reminded me i'm fucking terrible bc yeah i shouldn't kill bc i'm scared as that one beautiful poem said#also i like drinking socially bc people mostly think i'm really funny but i'm fucking hilarious after alcohol#so it feels like i'm paying some kind of debt i owe for existing or whatever#going rather deep into myself in these tags wow girl why are you like that#depression and stuff
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had an Undertale dream last night about Sans and Papyrus and some unnamed and unrecognizable third lady scientist character, and I think she and Sans were studying this goopy zombie outbreak that infected monsters through intent-
and all the infected were covered in this like mint-green gel that was harmless after the monster was dead or weakened (they didn't turn to dust for some reason if they got infected) but if a monster that was infected made contact with the strength of will to get you Gooped Up it was pretty much over.
I think the lady was trying to study the goop after the host had died but Sans thought it was too dangerous and left the experiment, so he went back home and warned Papyrus about all of it.
Lady scientist then became infected and the monsters still retained a good portion of their sanity/wits but the goop made them very, very intent on violence and turning other monsters. So she tracked Sans down and found him with the intent to zombify and ultimately kill him (maybe she blamed him for her own infection idk this part was unclear)
And she brought a horde of other zombies (late-stage goopified and mostly just shambling masses of tooth-paste looking goo) and Papyrus and Sans fought them, but after Sans killed the lady and a lot of the others he found out Papyrus had been Gooped a little, but he was able to be saved at that point except for part of his skull being melted and I think he lost an arm
#ut dreams are a rare treat#you'd think with how unwell i am about undertale i'd dream about it more#my brain likes to do deep cuts and input fictional characters like fucking. american dragon jake long. from shows i haven't seen in 10 year#i know for most of this dream I Was Sans (which is usually how my dreams go) but it did start out with me as me#and i remember kittens?? like kittens living in an old farm building??#i think the kittens were the things that got infected before it became an undertale dream and then it was monsters#convoluted. i love dreams#idc if people say “nobody wants to hear about your dreams” i think dreams are fun
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I can't sleep again
#it's all just too much#i need to be sending out emails and arranging stuff for a whole load of different things#but doing that fills me with such anxiety because i dont know how the fuck it works#but every moment I'm not doing those things it fills me with anxiety because i realise I'm standing still#and the only way forward it seems is through this#only it's not because the previous thing i was going was actually working and helping me forward but then my local gov said no actually#you're not allowed to do the thing anymore because we think so even tho we dont know what were talking about#so now you got the offer to look into this other thing that really just feels like the thing you already had but worse#so you have to contact the new thing and see what exactly they're about but already deep inside you know it probably wont work out#so it feels like you'll be doing that only so you can see it doesnt work in the hope that maybe if it doesnt work you can go back#to the gov people and show them the old thing was actually right. but that might not work and then you'll have to sue them#and all the while you spend your days just sitting at home doing nothing and slowly wasting away#getting a little bit worse every day. as you feel all the progress you made in the last year slowly slip through your fingers#and you start to think that maybe this is it. maybe it just doesn't get better. maybe this really is the best you can do and any more just#isn't in the cards for you. maybe you're just not cut out for this whole adult life business. you'll forever be...a failure#and that's just one thing. one thing of many you constantly need to worry about. it's not even adressing that your adhd treatment is still#kind of unclear who exactly is responsible. you've been running out of meds for a week and still haven't called because it's too much stress#or the way its been almost five years since you got on the waiting list at the gender clinic#three years of which were spent on the waiting list#but even now you've been “in treatment” for the past year and a half you still feel like you're no further. still no official “diagnosis”.#still no approval to change your birth certificate. your passport will run out by the end of the year and you'll have to get yet another#new one with your dead name on it. still no idea when you might finally get their approval to start on HRT. no idea when you might finally#get to stop feeling like every single day your body becomes a little less yours. where you look in the mirror and see someone stare back who#just simply looks wrong. feels wrong. you look at the hair on your head that really needs a haircut but you dont dare touch it because its#the one little thing that keeps the dysphoria at bay. and then you think of your dad and his bald head. and you look at your hairline and#cant help but wonder “is it receding a bit more right there?” always wondering if you'll lose this little bit of safety too#its all just too much. i dont know how much longer I can keep pushing myself forward at this rate. when all the good things get taken away#and I'm left having to deal with all of it on my own. i dont want to be alone but i dont know how to reach out to those around me. not even#to my friends sometimes. i know they're out there and i know they care but at the same time i dont know how to#let them. so I'm left alone and it's all my fault? isn't it. i know not all of this is my fault but also all of it is and i just
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tw stupid vent in tags
#tw self harm#tw vent#“being a teenager is the best!” I CUT MYSELF ALMST EVERYDAY.#IVE SCARRED MYSELF SO BAD ILL NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO WEAR SHORT SLEEVES NO MTTER HOW LONG IT SBENE SINCE IT HAPPENED#I ONYL SPEAK TO LIKE ONE OR TWO PEOPLE IRL I AM DETERIORATING#I ALREADY HAVE A FUCKING SCAR SO BIG U CAN FEEL WHERE IT GETS DEEP#HOW .#HOW IS THIS GOOD#HOW DO I HAVE HTE BEST LIFE HOW R PEOPLE JEALOUS#WHENEVER I GET MISGENDERED I CANT HELP BUT BITE MYSELF UNTIL I BLEED which is really hard to do...#IM SO SIKKC OF IT#IM SO TIREDD.#im going insane again arent i#THERES NOT BEEN A WEEK WITHOUT SELF HARM SINCE GOD KNOWS WHEN#EVERY LIMB HURTS except my right leg specifically i saved that one for spare parts#oh and my goddamn mother only cares about how ill look because of the scars and not that im FUCKING BLEEDING OUT BCUZ OF HER NO LESS#DOES IT GET BETTER. DO I STOP CUTTING MYSELF??#everytime i see a little too much blood it reminds me of when i did it and i feel sick to my stomach
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