#which I suppose is just a little sister thing
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raised on little light (1/3)
rise of the tmnt word count: 2k pairing: leo & oc i've had this idea rattling around since the rise farewell comic earlier this year made it canon that the turtles had another brother and a sister floating around somewhere. we know who their sister is, so this is my take on that 5th brother. i hope you enjoy meeting him <3 big thank you to @soldrawss and @mykimouser for enabling my insane behavior (and thank you again to sol for drawing the art i included in this chapter!!!) title borrowed from northern attitude by noah kahan read on ao3
x
2020
Leo regretted his last words as soon as they left his mouth.
“Hero moves are totally your style”? As if Raph doesn’t have enough issues already.
But what he meant—what he would have tried to explain if there was time—was that Raph is his hero. He’s always been Leo’s hero. And if Leo could be anything like him, even for a second, even if it was the last thing he ever did, then he could be satisfied with that.
It’s a silly thing to be stuck thinking about, laying on a torn up chunk of earth with a monster ominously lumbering somewhere below, looking for where it threw its toy. Laying there, feeling every bruise and broken bone, and hoping that he didn’t hurt his big brother’s feelings.
They’ll be okay, Leo thinks, trying to make it be the thing that gives him courage instead of just more homesickness. They’ll miss me, maybe for a long time, but they’ll be okay.
Leo’s supposed to be fighting for his life, but it’s all he can do to keep a grip on the photo in his hand, the only thing in this entire dimension worth holding onto. It’s all he can do to keep his eyes open when every blink is longer than the last.
It feels like enough of a rebellion. The Krang looked annoyed that he was still breathing the last time it batted him through the void like a fly, which gives Leo the idea that he should probably be dead by now. He feels a detached sort of pride at how grown-up he’s being about all this. Better late than never
Leo waits for the Krang to come for him, dripping his blood and sneering his daddy’s nickname for him hatefully as it does, and hopes he made his family proud.
Leo hopes he’ll go wherever Gram-gram is. It would be nice to know someone when he gets there.
Movement in his periphery snags Leo’s attention. His brain starts throwing up warning flags, signaling danger—anything moving around in here is another parasite, or a Krang hound, nothing he’ll want to be sprawled out on a silver platter for—but he can’t summon any urgency.
He turns his head and finds himself looking up at another turtle.
It’s the very last thing he expected to see. They both just stare at each other for a moment.
The newcomer appears to be a few years older than Leo, based on the broadness of their shoulders, and half a head taller. Their skin is more gray than green and their plastron is so pale it’s closer to white than yellow. Their carapace, what Leo can see of it, is a deep blue-black and they’re covered, skin and shell both, in white spots. Two of the spots on their face give the impression of eyebrows lowered in a glare, but they don’t seem angry at him.
The turtle is completely unfamiliar to Leo, which is saying something. He thought he and his family had the monopoly on… this whole situation.
Disquieted, Leo remembers that he’s supposed to be the only turtle here. That was a very significant part of the decision he’d made.
It must be a hallucination, he decides, instantly comforted by his own reasoning. That makes sense. He just wished that if his mind was going to conjure him some dying company it could at least be someone he knows. An imaginary Mikey or Donnie or Raphie for one last hug. One last affectionate forehead bonk. An “I still love you,” if that wasn’t asking too much.
Don’t you cry now, he scolds himself sternly when his eyes start to blur and burn. It’s not about you.
With a resounding crash of metal against stone, the Krang finds them at last. He’s snarling something that Leo is too slow to piece together before he cuts himself off—surprising the hell out of Leonardo by acknowledging the hallucination. That’s not how that works.
“Another pest ,” the Krang hisses. His serrated teeth glint when he draws his gummy lips back in an ugly smile. His tone is oily and unpleasant when he adds, “You’re less colorful than those other ones. I would have remembered seeing you. Where were you when your accomplices were fumbling about in my Technodrome like the stupid creatures they are?”
“We won,” Leo reminds the alien, even though it makes him cough. His lips are warm and wet now but he won’t think about why. “Blew up your ugly ship. Who looks stupid now?”
“Shut your mouth!” the Krang roars, going from slimy to homicidal in about three seconds. Leo cringes, every ounce of animal instinct in his body urging him to hide in his shell and ride the rest of this nightmare out.
The spotted turtle snaps, “Don’t talk to him.”
It would have made sense if he was looking at Leo when he said it. Don’t engage, don’t bait the big monster that could kill you with as much effort as it takes you to blink, et cetera ad nauseum. If only he’d had a nickel for every time he heard that.
But instead the turtle is looking at the Krang, and he’s radiating the kind of cold-blooded murder that you mostly only see in movies. He has one arm flung out in front of Leo like he actually means to use it to stop the Krang from getting any closer.
“Don’t even look at him,” he goes on, sounding seconds away from baring his teeth.
This guy is significantly unaware of the danger he’s facing, and Leo ought to warn him about what enormous clusterfuck he’d just wandered into. Leo ought to say he appreciates the reptile solidarity, but you should definitely run, new guy.
But this probably isn’t actually happening outside of his own head. And besides, Leo has to focus really hard on his numb fingers so he doesn’t drop his photo.
“I’ll look where I please,” the Krang says, as unbothered by the hallucination as he was by Leo’s entire family. “Starting with that fool head of yours. I’m interested in whatever backdoor led you here. If it’s my way out, well —”
Adrenaline surges through Leo, and he’s hardly aware of moving before he’s lurching up and shouting out, “No!”
He can’t get out, he can’t. Leonardo won’t be able to trick him again. He won’t be there to help this time.
“I do have one thing for you,” the spotted turtle interrupts to say, reaching over his shoulder for what turns out to be a compound crossbow strapped to his back.
Leo doesn’t know a lot about archery so it’s weird his fictional turtle does, crank-cocking the weapon like it’s an extension of his arm. He watches cluelessly as the turtle slides something very purple out of his jacket pocket and notches it into the groove where the bolts are supposed to go. It’s definitely not a bolt, but it’s a piercing-type projectile of some kind, and it fits in the crossbow like it was designed with crossbows in mind.
The turtle aims the bow at the Krang, who clicks the claws of his metal suit on the ground the way Splinter would drum his fingers on the kitchen counter when he was waiting on the microwave. The Krang looks condescending and mildly curious, like he’s watching dumb little animals do something they’re not trained to do.
“He told me to tell you he’s sorry he couldn’t be here to see this part,” the spotted turtle says, and then shoots without a second of hesitation or unnecessary dramatics.
The Krang bats the projectile away, or tries to, but it explodes on contact with his armor, and suddenly all Leo can smell is burning metal. Then burning meat.
The Krang begins to scream, clawing at something defiantly purple with a mind of its own that eats straight through him the effortless, immediate way corrosive acid chews through soft tissue. It moves like nanotech, covering as much of the Krang as possible in a manner of seconds and clearly designed to consume whatever it touches like a school of cartoon piranhas.
Donnie would love it, color scheme and all.
The Krang stumbles drunkenly, howling like a creature possessed, and Leo and his turtle companion both watch silently until he tips over the edge of the hunk of torn earth they’re on. Gravity is nonexistent in this dimension, so he doesn’t so much fall as sort of drift in another direction while he’s distracted with the purple stuff that’s doing its best to eat him alive.
The last handful of minutes have been so bizarre that it’s actually going pretty far in convincing Leo that none of it happened for real. The Krang hasn’t actually found him yet. This is clearly a dream. Or a pre-death electrical storm as the neurons in his brain fire up to fizzle out.
He tips his head to the side again to stare up at the archer, who is putting his bow away with perfect confidence that whatever that purple thing was, it will do the job.
“Who are you?” Leo asks stupidly.
“Gio,” the probably imaginary turtle replies.
Leo’s mouth runs off before he can stop it. “Just Gio? Like Cher?”
God, he thinks. That was stupid, Leo. Not the time or place, Leo. You’re in the prison dimension. You’re dying here and you can’t even cut the jokes now? Raph was so right about you.
But the imaginary turtle surprises him by smiling slightly, the corners of his mouth pulling just barely upwards in a way that somehow completely transforms him. Not the time or place for jokes or smiling at them but here they are. Like company.
“Giorgio Hamato,” ‘Gio’ says. That lands in Leo’s ears as something remarkably worth making a lot of noise over, but he can’t begin to unpack it. And after a second, he forgets what the remarkable part was. His mind is a deck of cards that got shuffled too enthusiastically and ended up scattered all over the floor. Gio doesn’t seem to mind when Leo just blinks at him, adding, “I’m here to take you home.”
“Pretty sure Uber doesn’t come out this far,” Leo mumbles, the words a paint smear, all thick and wet and muddy. One of his teeth feels broken and it’s keeping him awake, a blistering ache that cracks through the back of his mouth like lightning. “And I’ve got, like, zero bars.”
This is how I cope, he thinks, watching the bigger turtle absorb the second bad joke in as many minutes. Leo’s blinking fast so he doesn’t cry. He’s trying to focus on anything but the pain radiating through his whole body, and the swallowing darkness all around him, and the ruins of ancient metal ships looming where they float unrestricted by gravity, and the ballistic howls of a pissed-off pink alien still dealing with whatever the heck this Gio guy did to him.
He can’t focus on any of that because all of that is scary and he’s already terrified. He needs to not be terrified because he doesn’t want to be that kind of ghost when he haunts his family. He wants to be the friendly, funny kind, the kind that gets to stay at the end of the movie, the kind that will make silly faces at Mikey so he doesn’t get scared, and leave sticky notes for Donnie to remember to charge his phone and drink enough water, and cover Raphie with an extra blanket while he’s asleep because it gets cold at night but he always leaves his bedroom door open for them.
If Leo’s friendly and funny, if he helps, he’ll get to stay. He didn’t get to stay the first time, so this time he has to make it stick.
Larger hands wrap around his. It doesn’t register for a second, and then it does in a big way.
Leo jerks his head up. Moving just that much hurts like his ribs are broken all the way down and the bones in his leg have all melted into liquid agony, but it clears some of the fog away.
Someone is holding his hands in the prison dimension.
An alien like the Krang wouldn’t know the first thing about the human gesture, the togetherness of it, so it’s not some mean trick that’s being played. And it can’t be an imaginary turtle that Leo dreamed up, after all, because kindness would be the last thing he’d give himself.
Possibly very real Gio says, “Fuck Uber. Whatever that is. And don’t repeat that word.”
The punchy breath Leo chokes in is going to punch out again as a laugh or a sob. Leo squeezes the bigger turtle’s hands, photo crinkling between them, suddenly tethered to something in this void and hysterically certain that he’ll die for real if Gio lets go.
“I’m sixteen.” Leo’s voice wobbles. He doesn’t know what to react to first. He doesn’t understand how this is happening. He holds on. “I can say the fuck word if I want to, I’m practically an adult.”
Gio’s face does something it hurts to look at. His eyes are dark and sincere, the shape of them entirely familiar. There’s a warmth inside him that permeates the gloom. A star belonging to a much larger galaxy, but more significantly, belonging to the same crooked constellation Leo belongs to.
I know you, he thinks, surprised by the truth of it. I do. Where have you been?
“We’re going home,” Gio says, the certainty in his voice like one of those huge stones a river parts around, unmoved by the currents and crashing water. “I know the way out. Don’t worry about it. Close your eyes.”
The worst thing that could happen has already happened, Leo thinks. There’s no reason not to trust him. There’s nothing left to lose. He closes his eyes.
He feels himself drawn in, tucked against the built-in armor of a turtle chest, head resting on a broad shoulder. He’s been carried like this a million times before. He didn’t think it would happen again. Somewhere along the line, he’d been picked up for the last time and put down for the last time, and now he’s here, where no one who loves him can reach him, to scoop him up when he falls asleep on the sofa and take him to bed.
But Gio lifts him up like he’s still a kid. The Krang is bellowing hateful promises in between the grating shrieks of pain, promises of what he’ll do when he gets his hands on Leo, but all of that is far away.
Leo isn’t afraid anymore. He isn’t going to be a ghost.
He’s pretty sure he’s going home.
#rottmnt#rise of the tmnt#hamato leonardo#rottmnt oc#tmnt fic#my writing#the archer au#hamato giorgio#me yesterday: yeah im really not sure whether to post it yet or not#me today: 🕺🕺
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Literally what the fuck is the point of anything I’ve ever done if after all the sacrifices I’ve made for my sister end up with her telling me I’m abusing and manipulating her and that I’ll never understand her and that I make her hate herself. This goes for both my sisters but mostly my middle one who I also happen to be best friends with. The only reason I stayed alive was for them. But me and my sister go through cycles of being joined at the hip, then I have to ask her a favor and she freaks out and it turns into this huge crazy situation. I have to work on my group project but I don’t know when to have her pick me up (because of course she wants my car) and the time she has to wait around for me will probably overlap with the time she usually spends with her boyfriend. It’s always the fucking boyfriend btw, nothing can come between that time. One time she refused to drive my diabetic, stage 4 kidney disease dad to the ER because she wanted to pick up her boyfriend first. She ended up screeching in my ear the whole car ride. She still doesn’t see what’s wrong with that. Anyways so her thing is that my whole family acknowledges her selfishness, but we all realize that it’s entirely on accident and she has no idea she’s like this. Genuinely it’s just in her nature. She’s extremely sensitive about being called selfish, she’s a self described people pleaser and empath. To be honest it’s just middle child victim mentality. I don’t even know where I was going with this but what the fuck am I supposed to do because I truly don’t like hurting my sister so I avoid it most of the time unless we’re seriously in a crazy argument. And even then I still hold back because duh I love my little sister. Idk. I am not at all absolved of the hurtful stuff I’ve said and I CAN be very mean when I want to be, but my sister is the one person who I really can’t say much to. And I don’t. Calling her selfish is really the big problem here but how am I supposed to avoid it if every disagreement we have is about that 😭 everyone is selfish bcuz they’re human but my sister is a different breed. But she’s the younger cuter one who cries easy and soaks up sympathy and I’m the older sibling turned parent who doesn’t cry so I’m much less ummmmm idk. You know? So my family calls me evil and a monster and everything. And sometimes I start believing them and sometimes I think it’s bullshit but it’s probably a mix. I have the best interest of my sisters in my mind at all times and sometimes that makes me an asshole in their eyes. Im just tired of being the evil one WHICH is directly related to my mom leaving who used to be (and still is but she’s not in the house anymore so the pointed fingers are directed at me instead since I’m the closest thing to her) the scapegoat . I don’t know what I can do to make this better
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@minamishimada835
That might be the intent, but it's not the text.
First off, Aqua concluded his revenge in chapter 155, literally saying "My revenge...is over now." Then a few chapters later, he discovered a motive to kill Kamiki that have very little to do with Ai. Aqua killed Kamiki because Kamiki was gonna kill Ruby, and he was going to do that because of reasons that eventually tie back to Ai, but those reasons don't matter to Aqua. He's just murder-suiciding to save his sister.
Second (and more importantly for this post), Ruby et al living the best they can in the wake of Aqua's death is very nearly not depicted. We see Akane and Kana and Miyako and Ruby sad, and then we get a fast-forward montage of them being sad some more, and at some point they stop being sad. If the point of this last arc was Aqua's loved ones moving on from his death, it needed to show the part where they actually moved on, not just a "before" and "after". (And boy howdy did Akasaka linger on the "before" to milk maximum feels out of sad teenagers!)
Ruby gets the worst of this. On one hand, we barely see her initial grief. We see her wordlessly crying in a room alone, and alone wordlessly crying in a room, and wordlessly crying alone in a room some more. As a beat to convey sadness, it works, but it doesn't do much except convey the idea of Sad without support.
Contrast that with Kana's slappy meltdown. That's not just dramatic, it's extremely specific. It conveys exactly what cocktail of grief-ey emotions Kana is feeling; she's angry, she feels betrayed, she almost certainly bottled her grief up until she did something stupid. And while Akasaka should have shown Kana recovering from that grief, we see that it's sustained by white-hot anger; we understand that those emotions can die down on their own, so not showing the recovery is less of a crippling omission.
What does Ruby crying tells us? Well, it's default shorthand for misery, especially with the dark color palette. And that's about it. We needed at least one scene of another character talking to her, trying to help her feel better, to try and wring some actual blood out of the stone. Also...maybe this is just me having more experience with the "crying alone in dark room" kind of sadness than the "yell at a corpse" kind, but I have trouble imagining that kind of grief going away on its own.
Contrast that with (I swear this is relevant) Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury, episode 22. Miorine is sad, but Suletta talking through the door at her not only developed her character but let Miorine clarify her feelings in a way that no blanket burrito could dream of. Also, it shows how Miorine recovered! I think we're supposed to assume MEM-Cho and Kana did the same for Ruby (minus the fiancee thing), but we don't see that happen.
I'm gonna paraphrase a bit from Claire Aihoshiino: Ruby could’ve had a chance to confront her own depression and her unhealthy codependency that hurt her brother so badly. Instead, we get an endpoint in lieu of any real work necessary to get there without any indication that she has learned anything meaningful from this arc or that her relationship with her family has changed at all.
I paraphrased that bit because this has been a recurring problem with Ruby (one I'm pretty sure Claire described better elsewhere but Tumblr's search function sucks). Ruby has the skeleton of a character arc, but we never see any meat. The obstacles and struggles which make a story better than an outline are all handled offscreen if they're mentioned at all. Ruby just kinda glides through the narrative and entertainment industry alike, unfettered by things that might bother Akane or Kana or Ai.
What's the point of putting Ruby through all that if we hardly see any of it? Why make Ruby fight if we don't get to see her win?
The more I think about it, the more baffling Ruby's treatment in the last chapter of Oshi no Ko is.
The last few chapters didn't do much to establish Ruby's reaction to Aqua's stupid plan death beyond general details like "she cried a lot," so I assumed the last chapter was going to focus on that. And I guess it kinda did?
But it fast-forwarded through all the details so we could get to her Dome Concert halfway through the chapter and focus on that. Don't focus on Aqua's death, focus on Ruby's life and what she accomplishes.
As advice for Ruby, that's fine. But as a way to write Ruby, it means we don't feel the weight of Ruby losing Aqua/Goro-sensei. We're told that she cried a lot and stayed in her room a while, but only for a moment. We get a panel in chapter 165, two pages in 166, and then the entire rest of the chapter is Ruby standing up and Getting Over It.
What was the point?
I could ask that about many things in the last arc or two of OnK, but right now I'm asking it about Ruby in chapter 166. What's the point of showing us that Ruby overcame her grief if her grief was never presented as a real obstacle? Why should I care that she got to live the life Ai and Aqua wanted her to if there's no real struggle?
(Why should I care that Ruby's lighting up her fans' world the way Ai did? In the end, what did that do for her? Aren't we back to square 1?)
There's a lot that OnK had yet to properly resolve, and it spent its last chapter telling us about Ruby's awesome idol career. And that's it. And that's disappointing.
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My friend and I had history club today so my friend’s little sister stayed with the after school program until we were done, and before we started my friend was trying to get her to settle down and eat her lunch which eventually evolved into her just saying her name over and over again so she’d look up from the minecraft video she was watching like:
“Kitty. Kit. Katie. Katyusha. Katya”
And Katya kept ignoring her so eventually my friend got annoyed and pulled out the
“YEKATERINA DMITRIEVNA”
It worked. In fact so well that even I was ready to go eat those soggy noodles despite my name and patronymic being nothing close to Yekaterina Dmitrievna
#this is the same katya who looks like the way I draw lien-hua by the way#so that’s fun#and I say history club but it’s really me my friend and the teacher. small school even smaller pool of history lovers okay? okay#tbh I’m with katya on this one those noodles looked overcooked and they didn’t even get like. ketchup with it to make it better#but if she didn’t eat she’d be too tired to walk home after so.. grin and bear it I suppose#and I always fund it funny how when my friend says ‘little sister’#*find#she means this adorable 10 year old hyperactive child in a pink dress with her hair in pigtails#and when I say ‘little sister’#I mean this 15 year old who’s taller and bigger than me and acts like an absolute gremlin and not in a good way#and flips our mother off on a regular basis#don’t tell vi but I like my friend’s version of little sister more#I’m not gonna lie I genuinely adore this girl#hard not to#she’s a total sweetheart#but does have a tendency of not listening to what her sister tells her to do#which I suppose is just a little sister thing#okay I’m gonna go eat dinner tag ramblings over I’m done
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you know, i always find it really funny when dudebros complain about syndicate and odyssey being too "jokey" or not "taking its characters seriously" or whatever…
like, did y'all collectively sleep through "it's-a me, mario!", "i meant besides vaginas", ezio inventing the latte, bartolomeo's... just... *gestures vaguely* entire character, etc?
like, it's fine to have preferences of course, i myself prefer a more serious and grounded tone, but these are usually the same people who tout the ezio trilogy as "peak assassin's creed", call ac1 a glorified tech demo and hate on connor for being "too serious and boring", like? make it make sense!
#asscreed#ac syndicate#ac odyssey#dont get me wrong#i do have problems with syndicate and even more so with odyssey#but it's not the tone lol#honestly i think kassandra is the protagonist that's the most similar to ezio if you really think about it#but bc she's a woman she's suddenly 'overpowered' and 'unrealistic'#yall don't remember the insane things that ezio survives in revelations do you#speaking of which#been replaying the ezio games lately#and i have something to confess...... i really don't think ac2 is good#ac brotherhood was a BIG improvement#in terms of story pacing for one (none of those insane unmotivated time jumps... well aside from the strange montage at the end)#and the characters are a lot more fleshed out (probably bc there aren't like 20 of them)#and the handling of female characters is MUCH less egregious#maybe bc there's only really claudia and caterina left LOL#lucrezia is a little annoying i guess... but she gets a pass bc she's cesare's sister and really they're the same kind of crazy lol#and hey we actually get to see how dangerous sex work can be and how it's not just a way for sexy nuns to give inner peace to men#even cristina gets fleshed out!#and i like that we get so see ezio being a little bit of a selfish prick in her missions#and making bad decisions in interpersonal relationships#at least i THINK that's what we're supposed to take away from it... but who knows maybe it's just supposed to be a tragic love story...#i hope not.... i hope the player IS supposed to think that ezio's treatment of her is bad. otherwise.... :/#sorry for rambling#guess im just kinda surprised by how much i enjoyed brotherhood#it had been a long time since i last played it#also the modern day is really good!#that you can talk so much to everyone and also being able to read their emails and the mundane banter... idk i just think its neat :)
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mother taught me how to spend money freely, father taught me how to spend money tightly, and I taught myself how to be an anxious wreck about those two sides yippee!
#last night we were just generally having a convo about money#and my sister just started the guitar which ig good for her but the place she’s going to apparently offers drum lessons for a lot cheaper#than my current place and my mother mentioned how my place was an unreasonable price and ‘haram’ to spend so much money on it#which makes sense and is fine#but saying all of that right before bed actually made me cry a little about how im just a perpetual waste of money#and when I told her (in a jokingish tone) that I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I’d be overthinking money#she got annoyed because aren’t we supposed to be transparent about these kind of things and im old enough to deal with this maturely#so yeah I might swap drum places which I’ll miss my current teacher but whatever#blippity blap#I really should shut up ngl
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Despite how much I suffered making my last isat au Aris sprite redraw, I decided to do it again and once again went through hell doing it. There’s like a billion mistakes in this (such as her having the wrong arm rip) but at the end of the day I’m still happy with how it turned out :]
#keese draws#oc#oc art#eternal gales#isat#in stars and time#sorry for main tagging feel free to excecute me if you want or whatever#grips sink cringe is dead cringe is dead cringe is dead#anyways this is a very fuzzy and vague au as I don’t rly feel comfortable going off too hard with this one#this is pretty much entirely because I know I’d have to fuck around with the worldbuilding a decent amount and I don’t rly wanna do that#Isat’s worldbuilding is one of my favorite parts of isat so I don’t wanna fuck it up yknow?#I might do some other sprite redraws once I stop thinking too hard abt aris and tali#for context tali is the king aka complicated design that makes me wanna cry especially since I made it worse by changing her imagery#instead of having tears as a thing she has like. fracturing if that makes sense?#it’s supposed to be a nod to her ‘cracked’ eye in canon#she also has threads coming from her limbs instead of long hair for similar reasons#also she doesn’t have straight hair so yknow#but yeah for additional context aris and tali are half sisters and they make me go insane#in this au the idea would be that when their grandparents divorced when the two were little tali and their grandma left the island#aris wouldn’t leave until five or so years later when she was around 12#at which point the island disappeared and all that#the two have mostly completely forgotten about eachother but there still is familiarity between them#tali isn’t any less of a piece of shit than the king in this au tho#aris for a brief moment almost remembers who tali is during act 3 but she dies before she can fully grasp it#which almost hurts more to her despite not even knowing what she was trying to recall#during act 5 her inner sadness fight is against the hazy image of a very young tali 👍#just tiny 5 year old tali using the voices of the others to scream at aris that she’s been nothing but a burden to them all#and that she’s done nothing but hurt them in her selfish attempts to fix a problem that she refuses to admit she caused#and that time and time again she’s lied that she’s doing her best to protect them and that she’s failed all of them#it’s a mix of current guilt and her hazy but longstanding guilt towards tali
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(genderly) chill as hell if i was only ever glimpsed / detected like this
#Shrouded In A Rectangle neither sleeves nor an open front to be besieged with? yes#just doing whatever else like doesn't matter. tee cargo shorts which is my best guess rn of my ideal outfit. + sandals Absolutely#unfortunately my hair could never do that. somehow neither am i yet like forties fifties? have i not been at this for eons?#i Can be like uh let's just nobody talk to me i'm busy pensively perceiving truths that you don't ever actually wanna hear about#just the other day it was like hey....a [way Having To Talk could be a difficulty / problem] was under my nose in this lifelong pattern#certainly noticing the Verbal Exchange Demand heaped upon burnout as like [delay delay delay struggle weariness stress]#but also who knows like spent plenty of time just probably indeed Not having to have such exchanges while burned out. not noting them#anyway like this isn't even [dysphoric Ideal Outfit until i could [whatever supposed even more ideal than that gender euphoria]]#though shoutout to that but like nah get shrouded anyway. the only [how do i look] im motivated to consider is: when it's a costume#when it's just me it's like. i guess whatever pants and a comfortable enough tee. need glasses. hair's w/e so cut quite short ig#might accessorize w/things that are fun to me like hey yeah yknow i might want a calculator watch#[yea as a kid it was like :( im actively appreciating the animals supposedly Gross or Bad] if i had hated little friends Sure yaay#if i had disorienting light effects like a pelagic creature. but you don't even need that. like hey i'm nd in real life. i got it#chat i'm in the walls too bestie lmao. if only my bigfoot pose reference Step was this good#tl;dr long rephrasing of my being like; now the gender slay....#& nodding & Noting when [worksheet exercise: what's your gender euphoria look?] is like shrug idk. but this is serving maximally to me; so#going Chat how can i up my uncanny stats. looking up ''isn't it like Uncanny knowledge e.g. so like why not....canny''#but i think the un canny is the Uncanniness Accuser's perspective. not of My ken. your literal weird one maybe#so again apt to be like jk i'm just autistic & shit; i got it....horror shit challenge impossible: Don't have sm typical mundane#[disability moment] as like Unsettling danger/malice cues. challenge impossible; again#subverted here like as [horror holding hands touching foreheads w/comedy] w/o Rescinding just casual disabled behavior/qualities#just remembered like three witches weird sisters etc macbeth. weird uncanny soothsaying gendering. word#anyway i should be shrouded (made no any connection whenever i put the blanket now over my head & shoulders in place min ago)#perhaps the real Ideal Look insight: i do not have any way i wish to be observed by people. secret passages / removed room anytime
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Sailor Merope!!!
#crazy coconuts#my art#dnd#eddie#we need more sailor gaurdians that aren't size 00#i looked more at cosplayers than offical art (although like every other one. very much directly referred to an image for the pose + outfit-#but this was never supposed to be an exercise in pose or clothing. it was intentionally easy bc it was for fun)#(fair warning. long explanation incoming. also very little actual sailor moon knowledge)#ANYWAY merope is actually just a snappy version of what Im trying to say#which is def something to do with the pleiades (the dnd campaign is very christian. the associated love of 7. its the 7 sisters. you get it)#the pleiades especially work bc they fulfil sailor moon's love of space + greek myths/things in general#although. upon looking at the actual naming conventions most of the greek ones seem to be villains?#theres also whatever the animamates are doing#buuuut villains or not the ambiguity does sorta work bc i dont fully think we're being all that morally good in our dnd campaign#the stars in the pleiades themselves are named after their associated greek sisters too#anyway. merope was only specifically chosen bc she is often the “lost sister” so to speak#aka the explanation for why we can only generally see 6 of the brightest stars with the naked eye anymore#(the astrological explanation is that those things move! theyre movin right now! the 7 sisters are just that old of a story)#the missing sister thing is funny to me with my girl who would generally rather hide away forever#buuutt she was also the wife of sisyphus. which i could honestly explain away or ignore but its enough of a Thing#that i could see the other sisters working as well#but this explanation alone has had me sifting through astronomy websites and sailor moon wikis for over an hour#so i need to stop before i start looking into places to watch sailor moon#WAIT before I go. I would be embarrassed to not amend my previous statement about the missing sister#sometimes its electra! because she is distraught by the destruction of troy#very well could work better. but its too late. i have written so much. we must live with merope. gods know sisyphus didnt :}c
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my #1 verbal expression of affection is calling people "my ____". im not sure how it started, it just kind of happens... my girl. my love. my (firstname). my favorite thing is that when i start doing this often people will respond in kind :) its true!!!! im ur birde!!!! u are my friend!!!! we are all each other's!!!!!
#birdenest#another weird little idiolect thing i do my sister pointed out to me the othr day is that i will often make statements/ask questions#using someones name as a plural noun. like umm 'what kind of food do emilys like?'. my sister thought this was very funny bc i am treating#the persons name as like. the species of animal they are T_T akfhskfhakdj i didnt realize i was doibg this but that is definitely it...#'a feast for sadies!' 'do sadies like dancing?'#which i suppose puts calling someone 'my trinity' or whatever into perspective. u are the trinity who is mine....#im allergic to pronouns or somethjng i keep accidentally inventing new ways to not use them or to use them wrong#um to be clear if your name is emily i will ask you 'do emilys like fireworks?'. like i am not asking somebody else this i am just asking u#about the kind of animal u are....
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oooooo please tell me (who knows nothing on the subject) about orv swap au
hehehe. hehehehehehe. hehehehehehehhehehehhheheheh <- guy who is so normal
the premise of orv swap au (name has yet to be finalized) is this: what if kdj and yjh swapped narrative positions (reader <-> character) but very little else? what if a video game player enters a time loop to save his favorite character from dying over and over again and also to end the apocalypse?
admittedly it's not super fleshed out yet (a lot of the changes this premise would introduce are still not hammered out yet) but here are some points under the cut (novel spoilers ahead!)
orv swap au starts with pro gamer yjh who feels :/ abt his job, but hey, it pays the bills. despite (or maybe because of) his relative popularity as a pro gamer and networking with the agency/sponsors/people to impress, he's kind of isolated in a way that's detrimental, a facade of someone he's not whenever he's on camera
something to play around with is the idea of agency? maybe this yjh doesn't feel like he has any and has his hands tied between the lifestyle and being under public scrutiny and not having enough of a support system to leave everything behind. maybe he doesn't know what else he would even do. maybe he's aimless and drifting with nothing to hold on to.
his favorite video game is what i've been thinking of as World's Hardest To Play Indie Game (not based on difficulty but just on the experience of consuming it) a boring, exposition heavy, player-hostile, poorly designed, slightly buggy mess of a barely-playable game: twsa, a game that was not finished upon release and experiences with sporadic updates every now and then.
the ending tree to this game is so convoluted its insane. also theres no save states so if you die (very likely) u restart babeyyy.
twsa (video game) does have multiple endings, all of which happen when kdj, your main character, dies. some are farther into the apocolypse than others, some paths require meta knowledge of future events or character actions or items or whatever. the "true ending" is either analogous to the original 1863: kdj makes it to the end at the cost of everyone he loves, or hsy's modified 1863: kdj makes himself enemy of the scenario to secure a way out for the kimcom remnants.
there's branches on the choices tree where everyone dies and everything sucks and is bad forever and theres choices to make where kdj gets to make a family and they don't really get to settle down but they can get pretty close to it among the ruins of the apocalypse. through all his testing, yjh finds that these endings are nice but peter out - to get to the end of the apocalypse yjh has to claw his way there inch by painful inch, through betrayal and sacrifice, and he still cant fully get past it
i originally wanted to finagle a yoohankim 3 way swap but i couldn't figure it out. swap aus are a lot easier to work with when they're even numbers, at least to me, so this au features a ysa who is a video game company employee by day and by night she really has become god this time (and also a terrible indie dev). and this is how jungdoksang can still win !!!!
also yjh's coworker from Real Life hsy :) i haven't decided if she's like an employee for the same agency, or if she's someone else in the gaming circles that yjh interacts with sometimes (in my heart theyre in like some sort of discord server together), or something like that but she's around. whatever she does she is twitter cancelled for something. to me.
the only other character swaps are lsk and yma. yma is yjh's estranged sister (in broad strokes there's a vague bad parent situation going on here) (they used to be close until they drifted apart and slowly started hating each other [there is an abyss between them that neither of them can bridge]) (he feels that she betrayed him and threw him under the bus so he left [maybe he gets kicked out]) (she feels that he abandoned her to whatever situation they have going on [he didn't even try to take her with him]) and he has to find her when the apocalypse starts. yjh older sibling to yma gives us a whole different little dynamic to explore from kdj ysk (there's different levels of responsibility and guilt and blame when you're talking siblings that are soooooo interesting to me. sorry that i see any set of siblings and immediately try to figure out how to make them worse)
lsk is kdj's mom who appeared into existence at some point with kdj and they were both just adults. that's weird isn't it. oh well. i guess she can become a transcendent later too for funsies
everyone else stays in the same configuration of Real Person vs Character to me this is a very important aspect
this point has no precedent with the swap, nothing particular that would change to cause this, but it would be so funny if lgy was a little gamer boy who is an avid yjh hater. hates that guy. shows up to competitions to boo him. tunes into yjh's silent no-mic speedrunning streams to mald in chat but yjh +mods don't ban him bc its kinda funny.
anyways the apocalypse starts when yjh and his coworker/fellow gamer hsy are on a train to twitchcon and lgy is also there (also headed to twitchcon) and he brings bugs because he likes them but also to sabotage yjh specifically. its just funny if this happened. you understand
instead of having reader-related skills and abilities, yjh's skills are video game player based! he gets flavor text insight on people, location, and items, things like that. notably, he has the ability to reset, to bring himself back to the beginning of the apocalypse
orv swap proper follows yjh as the Player of the Game (Consumer of the Narrative) who lives hundred of lifetimes in this ruined-world-become-reality "replaying" [read: time looping through] the game to reshape it to save his fave character from self implosion (kdj with no dissociation is very prone to dying. all the time.). to revisit the idea of playing with yjh and the idea of agency, of creation, the only way to get past the apocalypse is to go off the beaten path, to choose options that weren't even there in the game. when in space, at his darkest point, yjh becomes a writer. in this story, at his darkest point, he has to become a creator too
please do not ask me how the epilogues go i dont know how the epilogues go (i don't want to throw yjh back into a train for milennia after he Just went through a thousand resets so i'm sending kdj for that but i havent fully planned how or why)
anyways, hope that helps!!! :)
#orv au#orvswap#i think i will main tag this. just the one tag tho. poorly planned au be upon ye.#orv#orv spoilers#<- for blacklists!#i only realized after creating this au that this is just how p//mmm goes except its videogame themed and hater lgy is there lol#anyways wheres that post that says time loops are about tragedy and theyre about saying i will make this right#and secret third thing time loops are about love#also each individual dynamic for the creater-player-character triangle in this is so interesting to me to explore like#you have the new kdj-yjh one (mostly similar tbh. was the crux of the au after all) which is a fun space to play in#but then you have a brand new kdj-ysa one to work with which is !!!! a writer and her character. a creator and her creation#and then you have ysa-yjh as the creator and her audience of 1!!!!!!! where is yjh that he needs to be saved? how does ysa answer that call#to love to the point of creation.... to tear the world asunder..... to create the worlds most unplayable rpg.......#lets meet again in another life. ysa reaches out toward yjh but cant reach him before she wakes up. cant quite tell him its not his fault#and Dont Even get me Started on yoo sister dynamics ill go insane#because theyre siblings but for a while (and def at the beginning of the story) it hurts to be around each other (its a betrayal#its a pang in your chest its a you were supposed to protect me and you were supposed to love me and i dont even know you anymore)#but also the swap means the 4th wall eats yma and leaves yjh begging for her back ('dont you hate her?' 'shes my little sister'#which is neither agreement nor denial but also both at once)#its ya boi#tango mango#anyways thanks for the ask im very normal about the ask
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sometimes i get the General Melancholies and i hate it a lot
#personal#i stayed up until almost 2am last night reading fic (not melancholy-related)#so i am tired#and i was fully planning on going to bed at a reasonable hr tonight#but then i was minding my own business when the General Melancholy slunk in and now it's almost 1am#and i desperately need to go to sleep and i'm tired and i want to#but i also don't want to go to bed bc i don't want to wake up and be tired again and have to deal with the day#and i have long in-person meetings and my brother and sister-in-law are coming and the dog is gonna be here#and they're going on a 10 day vacation and we just get to babysit the dog the whole time#which is going to drive my cats insane#one of them will probably scratch herself to bleeding at some point bc she gets so stressed when doggo is here that long#that's not FAIR it's HER house it's supposed to be her SAFE SPACE#idk#a lot of things going on in my brain about relationships and shit#hate it#giving me the Melancholies#i know i'll snap out of it but rn it sucks a little
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Fucking hell I am going to have A WEEK
#my bff' bd is 29th and i wanna make them a cake myself which means i gotta find all the ingredients on our fucked up little mass market#and then not fuck up the recipe which alright i baked that thing before. ONCE. AND IT ALMOST WAS A DISASTER.#luckily my bff's sister is helping me with that and she's buying the easy to find products so that's nice and appreciated#and i won't have to grate like. seven large carrots all by myself. that would be unfortunate#<- girl who did EXACTLY that last year#i also need to get a boclx for the cake and i wanna decorate it so it isn't just. A Box#and then in the evening me and her sister will go to our mutual friend who's organising all this shit and all three of us are gonna#creepily show up at my bff's window at midnight before her birthday with this cake. we're taking a taxi THANK GOD i hated transporting#a cake through public transport to the other end of the city last time#and then we spend the night at my bff's apartment before going back to oir mutual friend's place spending all day there and potentially ALSO#staying the night and THEN! do you know what happens then? then i go take a PE exam at my uni :)#also before all that i gotta finish some things i have a deadline for at the end of the month. which im supposed to be doing now but#guess what#im typing this instead#because im a whiny bitch okay my social battery is going to be DEAD after this. and i mean completely fucking fried#good luck to me ig#it's all worth it cuz i love my bff#but god am i glad they don't have Tumblr because they aint supposed to know our asses are planning something >:)#cruci shitpost
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I have given up entirely on my birthday this year after today.
#text#chey.txt#Mmm less than a week away and I'm already like. Cool. Better than getting my hopes up for another year only to have them dashed I suppose#So we won't be doing anything for it as usual I assume#We are just curled on the couch miserably#With nothing to look forward to but bills and bills and more fucking bills as the cost of living in this shithole country soars#My sisters gets gifts and dinners#I get told it's 'too expensive'#I know it's stupid to whinge it's not that I never get things in general but#My birthdays have been shit since I turned 19#And I was left writing exams while my family had the trip of a goddamn lifetime to Disney World.#It's been ten years of shit ever since.#And they didn't mean to leave me there they just#Forgot that university exams were in April; I'm the oldest child#But still.#My birthday has been forgotten in other years since#I'm just like. A little.#Upset.#That on top of having to pay for the new dishwasher and to fix my fireplace etc etc#Which is nearly $2000#I'm being told I have to repay my parents for other things#While they drop 2k on dog collars for my younger sister.
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i think probably the funniest thing that my dad said to me today was when he was remarking how different me and my sister are and he was like. she prefers being in out in the wilderness, you're happy in the middle of the city; she's training to fight wildfires and you're this crazy skilled musician; she would jump out of a plane and you like to work in the library; she's even gay
and i was like. Well,
#my dad laughed and said 'imagine if i had TWO gay daughters!' and i was just standing there like#Well!#LOL#i didn't straight up say 'father i too am a homosexual.' but i did say 'well i'm. unspecified'#it was a really funny moment though. probably funnier than he realizes#i wanna talk about me#also i guess this answers my own suspicions about my sister being gay LOL?#i thought she might be but we never talk so it never came up LMAO#well. i guess that's two things we have in common now. same color hair and gay. other than that we're still totally unalike#i'm almost more surprised that she said she would jump out of a plane though#i know she wants to be a wildfirefighter but smokejumping. gd damn#i know she's already way cooler than me but like. damn go ahead and make it worse why don't you lmao#also for the record my dad is. apparently very cool with and even amused by the idea of his daughters being gay?#which i suppose is a comfort to know. a little odd maybe but definitely better than the alternative#also. 'crazy skilled musician' is (paraphrased at least) in his words. not mine...
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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