#wherever they may lead! idk what next. maybe a fly?

[tj-crochets]

I make no guarantees, but I seem to be on a "semi-realistic but improbably sized" plushie making kick, so suggest creatures you'd like to see plushie versions of! Reference images are absolutely a bonus, I have no idea what thing my brain* will latch onto to make next *my brain? my muse? idk I just think about that Calvin and Hobbes "I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul" panel

[hyuuukais]

.・゜-: ✧ :- FICTIONAL REALITY .・゜-: ✧ :-

pairing • bang chan x fem reader

synopsis • fiction or reality? y/n preferred the former, escaping into another world, escaping her problems. so what happens when reality takes that away from her; wiping her own story-in-progress off both her laptop and beloved usb? and what happens when she opens the door in the middle of a crisis to none other then the love interest of her novel... and he's holding her usb?

warnings • general, talk abt yn's past abusive relationship, idk exactly how to tag this but um like wires going into ppl

MASTERLIST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

CHAPTER TEN • INTO THE DARK (1.8k)

Minho helps you feed the stray cat. It runs up to him, rubbing against his leg affectionately, ignoring you completely. Placing the dish down, you look around at the surrounding woods. You had to go a bit deeper into them than usual to find the cat, which tends to reside near the tree line. It was getting colder, and the lack of light in the woods wasn't helping.

"Here, take this." Minho takes his sweater off and hands it to you, leaving him in just a t-shirt. Goosebumps immediately grew over his arms. "You're shivering."

Shaking your head, you pick up the now empty food dish. "No, you're cold too. We'll be back soon anyway."

He stares at you, hand outstretched, but eventually gives up. "Suit yourself."

-

Back at the house, you turn the heat up before settling in the living room. Minho had gone to shower, leaving you alone in your thoughts.

Did the universe expect you to go back to your old apartment, or was Yeonjun supposed to be coming here? There was no way for either of you to contact each other and even if there was, you didn't know if you could. You'd been forcing yourself to feel okay about potentially seeing him again and everything that's been leading up to it, but honestly, you were far from okay. The visions had scared you. The feeling of his hands on you again, the look in his eyes, his words...

"You okay?" The sound of someone else speaking breaks you out of your trance, and you turn your head toward Minho. He's leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed and head tilted forward with raised eyebrows covered slightly by his still wet hair.

...he looks really good.

"Yeah, just... thinking," you fake a small smile. "Have you had any of these visions? Or dreams?"

"No," he shakes his head.

"Oh."

Thinking about Chan and Jeongin, you wonder about this. Of course, Jeongin had only gotten anything because you asked him for it, but then he also already knew about Chan. What else was he not telling you? Maybe you should try to contact him, the warning about Mrs. Yang had frightened you.

Pushing off the wall, Minho takes a seat next to you, placing a hand on your knee. "You know you can talk to me."

"Can I?" Your voice breaks, embarrassing you. "A year can change so much. What if- what if we can't be what we used to be? I used to rely on you so much, but now I can barely look at your face without being reminded of everything that went down."

Taking in your words, Minho moves his hand off your knee and into your palm, interlocking your fingers. "Then we become something new. May I remind you I still don't know exactly what went down? That was all Yeji."

"She... never told you?"

"Nope," he sighs heavily. "Never thought I'd admit this, but I practically begged her to tell me what happened to you and where you were. All I knew was that Yeonjun was furious, although he didn't show it outright. He stuck to playing the part of the worried-sick-fiance." Minho scowls, using a mocking tone. "'My poor Y/n, wherever could she be! By the way, this totally wasn't my fault, I couldn't even hurt a fly much less my beautiful soon-to-be wife!'"

You giggle a bit at his impression and he smiles, watching your face light up. Making you laugh felt like a reward.

"He was so full of shit. I don't get why you stayed with him."

Just like that, your laughter stops.

"Haven't we been over this?" You steal your hand back, using it to rub your forehead.

"I just don't understand-"

"Yeah, and you probably never fucking will!" You sit up, legs swinging off the couch out of frustration. "If I broke up with him, we wouldn't be having this conversation. If I broke up with him, you wouldn't have been attending my wedding, you would have attended my funeral."

The words linger in between you, stinging Minho like a slap to the face. Of course he knew the relationship was toxic, but never did he think it would have come to that. If he did, he'd be behind bars right now. Fuck the USB, fuck Chan, fuck the universe. He's never letting you anywhere near Yeonjun again. As long as you're safe, who cares what it costs? The world could be burning to an ash and all Minho would want to do was get you off planet Earth, even if he couldn't come with.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know," he says finally, slowly, carefully.

"Nobody did," you look away from him, down at the floor. There are miles and miles between you then and you now, the person he knew and what she was willing to say. "Except Yeji."

Yeji.

"Min, I wanna try something. Get off the couch." You start stretching out before he can respond, reaching over to grab your long forgotten headphones off the coffee table.

"What's your idea?" He takes a seat in the chair beside you.

"So when Jeongin went into that little psychic trance of his, he closed his eyes I'm guessing to help him envision his surroundings and focus better-" You adjust yourself better, sitting the headphones above your ears. "-obviously I'm not him and don't have the same abilities, but what if I try to remember the place it took me to? The headphones aren't necessary, but they're noise cancelling so I thought it might help."

Minho looks like he wants to protest, but holds back any thoughts.

"If I get into enough of a relaxed state," you continue when he says nothing. "Maybe I'll find it. It might be the only way to save Chan." You take a deep breath. "And Yeji."

"You really think Yeji is a part of this too?"

"Well it had her there and could mimic her voice, so yeah." You roll your eyes.

Leaning back in the chair, Minho rolls his eyes even more dramatically at you. "It could just be able to do that."

"There's only one way to find out."

And with that, you put on the headphones.

Immediately the world around you is muffled, no longer able to hear Minho shifting in the chair or the wind whistling through the old bones of the house. Outside, the sun has already begun to come down, soon it will be dark. With your eyes closed and hearing limited, your other senses come in stronger. You can smell your shampoo wafting off Minho, feel the bumps form on your skin as the chill sets in.

Still too early to turn on the heat, you think.

Trying to clear your mind, you focus on your breathing. In, out. In, out. In, out. Breaths become deeper, heartrate slowing. At one point, your mind wanders to thoughts of Chan. What's he doing right now? Is he alright? Why hasn't he texted you? When will you get the opportunity to correct your missed kiss-

Hey brain, you think, focus on the mission, you already know you're not emotionally available enough for someone like him, so stop it.

Back to your breathing.

Enough time passes to have you considering this isn't going to work. Why did you think it would in the first place? You said it yourself, you don't have 'abilities' like Jeongin does. Never have, never will. And besides, even if it did work, what would you do? You can't force this thing to give you information; it has the upper hand and knows it does.

"Okay, screw this," you open your eyes, but all you see is black.

It worked. But now what?

"Hello?" You call out, voice echoing. "Um, anyone home?"

Not that this place felt very... homey.

You begin to walk, eyes adjusting. Looking down, you realize you're walking in water just like Jeongin mentioned, but it just barely covers your toes. Reaching to the right, your hand finds a wall close to you. The left side is the same; you're in some kind of corridor. Walking further, your left hand grazes a dip in the wall; no, a door. You squint, noticing a few more doors on either side further down before they're consumed again by the darkness.

Wrapping your cold fingers around the knob, you push. The door is stiff and hard to open, taking a few full-body pushes before you can squeeze inside. Air races past, through your hair and the door. Inside, the walls curve to a circle, a very dim white light coming up from the edges of the water. In the middle, you spot what looks like a dentist's chair turned away from you. The top of someone's head pokes out the top, wires hanging down from the ceiling- or lack thereof, when you look up, it never seems to end- and down to their body.

Slowly, you approach the chair, gasping when you see who it is.

"Oh, Chan," you whisper, tears brimming. There are deep circles under his eyes, and the wires appear to go into his neck harshly, all red and swollen around where they enter. His lips are chapped, skin nearing translucent.

Touching his skin, it's colder than your fingers and a bit rough. His mouth is parted ever so slightly, breathing shallowly. He's dressed in all white; a t-shirt tucked into smooth pants. It's weird seeing him like this.

But you know you can't stay. This isn't why you're here.

Moving on from Chan's room, you open each door as you go, starting with the one directly across from his. You barely recognize the girl in the chair as you've only met on a few occasions; Lily.

In the next few rooms, you find a mix of people you do and don't recognize, Jeongin and Yeji being some of them. Resisting the urge to stay by their sides is difficult, you need to keep going, find the thing keeping them all here. Finally, you reach the end, the last door.

The door stretches its way into the never-ending ceiling, the knob particularly stubborn. This room is bigger than the others have been, and you spot two chairs facing each other in the dim lighting. Inside are you and your ex, Yeonjun.

"What the actual fuck," you breathe, trying to control the rising panic in your throat.

Just like the others, you both have wires connecting into your necks and look physically unwell. The only difference is that you're together, and there's another line stuck into your forearms, connecting you.

You start to have the feeling you need to leave. Now.

And that's when you hear it; distant whispering growing louder and louder, chanting the same sentence over and over again.

"You're not supposed to be in here."

●

notes • i honestly didn't think i'd get this done today but had a sudden burst of writing energy!! things are getting funky for sure hehehehe

taglist • @yongbbokkie @chaeryred @tenebrisirae @toplinelix @chansdoll @amaranth-writing @3rachachoo @linosjureumi @thebrownemo @tfshouldidohere @channie-143 @frogieeheart @kangaracharacha @skzswife

TAGLIST CLOSED ^^^blue means i can't tag you

[girlofmanyfandoms]

Forbidden Spicy Gatorade Chronicles Chapter One

A/n: Ok, so the cult is getting stronger by the minute so if you haven’t been introduced yet, don’t be offended! I’ll try to go through everyone and introduce you in the next chapter. Erica (@the-never-ending-void) has asked not to be included in this fic.

Key:

Tater - @a-lonely-tatertot 

Lynn - @lesbilynnette

Gray - @silver-snow

Lilah - @tribblemakingalicorn

Cadence - me

Ivy - @imaramennoodle

Molly - @molly-sencen

Farris - @everyonehasthoughts

Speens - @an-absolute-travesty

Holes - @holesinmyfalseconfidence

Connor - @linhammon-roll-bromance101

Panda - @worldwidepandamonium

Meg - @ultralazycreatorfan

Word count: 2,382

Warnings: If you’re reading this, you already know what’s about to pop off

Lilah poked Cadence’s shoulder who promptly rolled over. Lilah poked her several more times, a bit more aggressively. Grumbling Cadence sat up quickly and smacked her head on the top of the bunk bed. She sighed, rubbing her forehead. Her eyes slowly adjusted to her surroundings, taking in the strangely black, purple, and gold aesthetic room.

“Why’d you wake me up?”

“You got a notification,” Lilah said, eyes wide open, handing her the phone, slowly walking out of their shared room.

Cadence furrowed her brows, unlocking the phone before calling out to her roommate. “Wait, how long have you been up?”

“OREOS!” she called back. “Where are the keys?”

“On the kitchen counter,” Cadence replied, checking her emails. 1 unread message from Gray, the AI developer who she made small talk with during lunch breaks.

Dear Cadence,

Good evening! There’s a new play coming out on Mainstreet, called The Facade, and I was approached by the team to create a promotional piece. I was hoping you could help, and we would split the rewards 50/50. The play is about a murder crime, which is plotted out in a series of intricate riddles. The plot twist: the lead detective was the murderer, and had been delaying her trial while she was pretending to gather evidence, and stealing from a suspect to gain enough money to flee. And her second in command was funding the plots without knowing that her boss was the mastermind behind it all.

Ok, now that my boss has read above the cut we can talk freely. The offer is real, and I WOULD like to split it 50/50, I just can’t stand talking all formal, y’know? Anyway, since you said you do animations and stuff as a side gig, I thought maybe you could make the animations, and I’ll edit and do the social networking? Idk, I’m just spitballing here, let me know what you think.

Also, Lilah directed me towards this email, she’s really good at tracking people down.

Sorry if I made any spelling mistakes, I haven’t slept in weeks,

Gray

“Huh,” Cadence huffed, glancing at the clock. 3 AM. She had time. So, grabbing her IPad, she opened Procreate and got to work. The Facade. Sounds interesting enough. But what to draw? A lock perhaps? A silhouette of the main character? Before she could decide, her phone buzzed again, a voice recording this time, from Lilah.

“Hey, so I just ran into two of the actresses from The Facade and they said they want to talk to you about it so you can create a better promotional vid, meet me at the local library, k bye.”

Cadence wished on a shooting star that at least an hour had passed by so the buses would be running. But how wrong she was. It was 3 AM. It was raining. And the library was at least a mile away.

“This should be fun,” she mumbled, grabbing her set of keys, her IPad, and a raincoat before jogging the mile it took to get to the library.

_______

By the time Cadence arrived her hair was drenched and she was so out of breath and tired she thought she was going to pass out. She looked for any sign of her roommate, but she was nowhere to be found. Instead, she saw three people sitting at a table chatting freely and crying laughing. The librarian wasn’t fazed in the slightest. On the contrary, they seemed to be enjoying it, leaning over the library’s registry system, talking with them. Quickly Googling “The Facade,” Cadence confirmed that the two ladies were the actresses from the play. The other one offered occasional comments, mostly just watching the occurrences that went on. Social anxiety kicked in and told her to run in the other direction, but she really needed the money. She forced herself to approach them.

“Hey, I’m Cadence,” I introduce myself nervously. “Lilah said you wanted to speak to me about promoting your play?”

“Cadence! Lilah mentioned your animations, and we thought it’d be a new, eye-catching way to get our work out there,” the first one chirped. “I’m Molly, by the way. I play the detective’s second in command.”

“And I’m Ivy,” the other one greeted. “I play the lead.”

Cadence expected the third person to introduce themself next, but the librarian took the initiative. “Hello, fellow human, you may address me as SPEENS, I accept liver sacrifices.”

“They do that all the time,” the third person assured her. “Tater, by the way. I’m not in the play, I’m just working on a novel with Molly. We met up here to talk to good ‘ol Speens when these bit-”

“Language,” Molly warned.

“When these lovely individuals,” Tater corrected, “decided to make this a research sesh for the book. As if we needed more work. I’m free to fly wherever the wind takes me.”

“Amen to that, sibling,” Speens responded solemnly, pulling five wine glasses and vodka out from under the desk like a bartender. Cadence looked confused, but not against it. “Say, where’s the rest of the crew? Lynn, Gray, Farris, and the lot of them?”

“Farris doesn’t work on the set,” Ivy reminded her. “They’re an archaeologist. Holes makes the sets for us.”

Speens wrinkled their nose, seemingly in disgust. “And the others?”

“Well, if you can take a break, we can meet up with them at the theatre. Even Farris, since I heard their last trip was a bust,” Molly offered.

Without a second thought, Speens put up a sign that read “The Librarian is Out.”

“Do they-”

“All the time,” Ivy nodded. “It’s kinda their thing.”

“But, yeah, Farris and Connor tend to hang around the set,” Molly explained. “They don’t bother anyone, no one bothers them. They’re a bit older, kinda like the authority figures of the group.”

“If authority figures would let you make a dumba-”

“Tater,” Ivy nudged.

Tater changed their wording. “-unwise move in order to see what would happen.”

“They’re responsible for us without being responsible for us, if that makes sense,” Ivy commented. “Let’s get going though, before someone blows something up.” She shot a sideways glance at Speens, who put a hand up in surrender.

________

Ivy swung open the doors to the theatre and immediately had to duck for cover. “What the HELL, Connor?”

They were holding onto some theatre seats, zooming back and forth the row on rollerblades, occasionally losing balance and having to sit down. After a particularly messy turn-around, they decided to crawl over to the red carpeted steps and laid there for a moment. Farris was perched in a seat a row down, calming watching as Connor seemed to be having an existential crisis. Upon seeing Tater and Cadence, Farris got up, carefully stepping around Connor. “New kids?”

“Farris, this is Tater, and that’s Cadence,” Ivy helped. “They’re helping us promote the play.”

“Congratulations, you’re adopted,” they vowed, though Tater looked confused. “What? I don’t make the rules. Oh, wait, I’m supposed to be the responsible one…. Ok, so I make the rules, but they can be bent if the alternative’s interesting enough. Right, Connor?”

“Uh huh,” he called from the floor tiredly. If he hadn’t spoken, he would have been deemed dead.

“Lynn and the rest of the gang are in the back,” Farris informed them, pulling a skateboard from under their seat and helping Connor stand. Connor’s rollerblades flailed a bit as he struggled to get up, but his arm was slung around Farris’s shoulder, supporting him.

“DO A KICKFLIP,” Connor prompted, his words slurred.

“Are you kidding, I haven’t skateboarded since I was six, I need an actual skate park to practice that,” Farris recounted. “And how drunk are you?”

“Yes,” he responded, giggling in a hiccupy way. “Does anyone have more vodka?”

“I got you fam,” Speens said, pulling out a suitcase of alcohol from thin air.

“Anyways,” Ivy interjected, trying to get the conversation back on track. “I’ll go get the others, wait here.”

Ivy returned with Gray, Lynn, Holes, Panda, and Meg, and introduced them accordingly. “Gray works on the special effects, Lynn designed everyone’s costumes, Holes makes the set, Panda is a theatre critic, and Meg is our concept artist.”

“So, other than animation, is there anything else you bring to the table?” Molly asked.

“Well, I do glass art,” Cadence supplied. “It’s probably not relevant, but when it’s still really hot and glowy, which is when you can shape it, it looks like it would make a good snack. Hell, it almost looks like Gatorade. I can show a picture if you’d like.”

Cadence took her phone out and everyone crowded around to see.

“More like Powerade, Gatorade doesn’t come in that kind of blue,” Speens added.

“F O R B I D D E N S P I C Y G A T O R A D E,” Connor yelled, startling Farris.

“NO,” Holes countered, clearly distressed. “Do NOT drink molten glass. You’d die!”

“You call it death, I call it adventure,” Molly smirked. “I’m here for it. C’mon Holes, live a little.”

“Sis, how have you made it to adulthood thinking like that?” Lynn questioned, looking a bit scared.

“And I know how to live, I’m living right now!” Holes countered.

“Sure you are, nerd.” Molly rolled her eyes. “And how many near death experiences have you had, huh?”

“Near death- okay, first of all, I am not a nerd-”

“You kinda are,” Tater mumbled. Holes gasped, putting a hand over her heart as if they were betrayed. “What? You are. You make a living off of reading books.”

“Used to, friend,” Holes clarified. “I’m a freelance artist now. I picked up this gig because of these fools. And good thing too, because now you’re about to poison yourselves! Second of all, um, none?! How many have you had?”

Molly clicked her tongue in disappointment. “Five. Blended corn, acorns, eating soap, eating paper, and an intense game of dodgeball. I haven’t even peaked with these experiences yet.”

“Immortal until proven mortal,” Connor finished for her.

Meg stood next to Molly and held her shoulders. “This girl, she’s going places.”

“Meg, not you, too, I swear to god-”

“sLuRp,” Ivy joined in, grinning from ear to ear.

Holes was getting hysterical. “What the actual hell is going on? Lynn, help me out here.”

“The Gatorade is Forbidden for a reason, kids,” Lynn tried to reason.

Gray stood up with a mischievous glint in their eyes. “Where can we get it?”

“From the crunchy forbidden chocolate powder, of course,” Connor chimed in. Panda gave him a high-five while Holes became paler and paler from the cult forming in front of their eyes.

“This one speaks the truth,” Panda shrugged.

“Ok, what even is crunchy forbidden chocolate powder?”

“Sand, duh,” Connor said matter of factly. “Add some vodka, a martini, and some olives, and you got one heck of a slushie.”

“So that means there must be Forbidden Chewy Lettuce and Flavoured Forbidden Chewy Lettuce,” Tater went on. “Grass and flower petals. Cursed, but not wrong.”

“Ooh, and crackle air can be limestones and sodium carbonate, pies are dirt, bread is wood, and hard candy is metal,” Panda proclaimed.

“Fidget spinners are Forbidden Bagels, too,” Connor helped. “I should know, I tried the other day and cut my lip.”

Farris ignored the last part of Connor’s rant. “The variety pack, I like the sound of that.”

“Farris you’re supposed to look after us and you’re condoning this?!” Holes shouted.

Farris mounted his skateboard. “I’m not condoning anything. I’m enabling and hyping them up without joining in. That’s some big brain stuff.”

“This is why they control the brain cell,” Ivy nodded. “WAIT, ARE MY CHICKEN NUGGETS BURNING?!”

“Ives, you literally set a timer on the microwave backstage, you’re fine,” Tater reassured Ivy, holding her from running to check on her meal.

“Oh, like you know anything about microwaves,” Ivy argued. “You microwave ice cream.”

“It takes too long to soften, and I’m impatient,” Tater defended, turning to address Holes. “And it is eaten with a spoon.”

“Do not start this debate again- you know what, Panda, get ice cream from the mini-fridge, we’re settling this here and now,” Holes demanded.

“I think the real question is why is ice cream so hard,” Speens mentioned as Panda brought a tub of Haagen Daz ice cream. Holes used a fork to attempt to chisel out part of the snack. It wasn’t very successful.

“I think that’s just how Haagen Daz works,” Cadence observed.

Holes saw this as an opportunity to gain some momentum in the argument. “Not just this brand! All ice cream works like that!!!”

“No,” Panda objected. “Not Breyer’s. That stuff is always just right when you need it. Hashtag not sponsored.”

“Did you just break the fourth wall?” Lynn asked. “You know what, I don’t wanna know, just for the love of all that is good in this world please don’t drink the Forbidden Spicy Gatorade.”

“Too late,” Cadence said. “It’s easily accessible. Also, I’m calling E so we can recruit her.”

“Holes, I know you’re hiding it from us,” Molly speculated.

“What are you talking-”

“You’re keeping the Forbidden Spicy Gatorade all to yourself because you know of its power and you want it all to yourself.”

“I don’t HAVE the Gatorade, and I’m explicitly telling you it’s going to kill you if you drink it!”

As the bickering went on, Lynn slipped off to the vacant staff lounge to pull out her phone. There had to be a supplier somewhere who would give them this. She searched for a few minutes, and, after a few dead ends, she finally found an investor. “Cha-ching. Forbidden Incorporated is in business,” Lynn smiled to herself.

“Forbidden Incorporated, eh?” Farris asked from the doorway. Lynn froze and cursed herself for forgetting to lock the door. Now Farris knew of her plans. “Tell you what, I’ll keep your secret under one condition: We split the money 50/50, and get equal control over the decisions. So, deal?”

Lynn hesitated. She wasn’t sure she could trust Farris, but seeing as this was the only way to stop Holes from knowing just yet, she had no other choice. “Deal.”

_______

A/n: So that was fun and took entirely too long to write. I hope you enjoyed it and if you’re in the cult and I didn’t include you, reblog this and I’ll make a list. The next chapter might focus on a smaller group bc there are like thirteen characters here and I’m tired. Peace out!

[oveliagirlhaditright]

Swallow - A Dark Kairi/SoKai/KHIV Story Chapter Three

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21456412/chapters/51131662

Summary: My idea for a Kingdom Hearts IV--that will eventually have all that entails, like Shibuya and Verum Rex and Sora's PoV--but that deals with the idea of a dark Kairi after everything she's been through, because this girl deserves to be allowed to feel things.

Author’s Note: So, Re:Mind came out since I last updated this. And, sad to say, it’s not canon to this story… because the idea that Kairi didn’t get to spend much time with Sora at all—or get a chance to prove herself in the Keyblade War in her eyes—is part of why she’s so messed up here. But the rest of KHIII and its ending is canon to this, as is all our theories about where the series is going next. And to be clear… though this is a “dark Kairi” story… so far, at least (I might change my mind about this later. IDK) she’s not literally getting darkness within her heart—as she’s a Princess of Heart, and that shouldn’t be impossible—she’s just moreso experiencing the emotions that usually lead to darkness, but don’t with her because of her unique makeup. Also, last chapter Kairi had no idea that who she met was the Master of Masters—or even who the Master of Masters is—but since then, she’s figured it out. And I've only edited this massive chapter once (oops), so if there are any weird mistakes... that's why. Sorry Magic in the Midst Kairi’s PoV “Kairi, I was too hard on you,” Riku began, as he found her in what was still her favorite place somehow: the paopu tree. “I never should’ve said what I did. Especially when losing Sora’s been so… hard. “I know- I know you were just thinking of the greater good. I would have killed Ansem, I mean…” Except that Riku was being way too hard on himself here, and Kairi knew it. But since she didn’t exactly want to give up her newfound strength yet—and admitting that Riku had actually been right about her would make her have to do it—she selfishly didn’t correct him. Instead, she decided to focus on what really mattered—as she scooted closer to Riku, so he’d be able to hear her perfectly as she said this. “Master Yen Sid thinks he may have a new idea for where Sora may be. Another world that we haven’t been to yet… But Riku, I’m scared. The Master of Masters said that every world I’d go to on an upcoming adventure would be tied to my- my anger. And first off, I don’t know if I’m ready to face that worst part of myself. But it also makes me think that we won’t find Sora at all. Because how could he, of all people, ever be in a place connected to that?” Riku smiled at Kairi sympathetically, as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder… which was probably the only thing even remotely keeping her connected to the World at this point. Seeing this nice side of Riku again—from before he’d become obsessed with seeing the outside world and had lost himself some (huh. If thatdidn’t sound familiar right now)… that- that had been the Riku she’d had a crush on even before Sora. But as it was—as nice as this was—Kairi would never love another besides Sora. And having another guy touch her now, almost felt like a betrayal to him, even though she also knew it was really, really stupid to think that way—because of course her best friend should be allowed to try and comfort her… even if she didn’t at all deserve it. “Kairi, I’m not going to lie… when I was told, in Castle Oblivion, that I would only see beings of darkness—and places tied to my own darkness—I probably felt exactly what you’re feeling now, or close to. But as Sora would probably say…  there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I definitely found my own there, in learning how to use light and darkness back to back. So you- you gotta believe the same about yourself. “Especially since I know something you don’t. It would seem this so called ‘Master’ was wrong. Master Yen Sid told me that the world of ‘Andalasia New York’ is a happy one. And that the reason he thinks Sora is there, is because… Sora’s already left wherever we were first sensed him, and now Yen Sid thinks Sora will be going only to joyful worlds: because- because he thinks he’s more likely to find you in those, and because he wants to show you those kinds of things himself… We’re going to find Sora, Kairi. Believe in that.” And Riku came over to Kairi and put a flower behind her ear like he had done when they were kids, and Kairi leaned into his touch and allowed herself to believe there could be a good future… for just a moment. … Master Yen Sid ended up being absolutely right that the next world she would go to would be a wonderful one. Kairi landed on the planet the moment that a giant singalong was about to take place—though she hadn’t known that at the time, of course—and she saw her charge, Giselle (that she would learn the name of later) right away, based on the way she was dressed and how she soon started singing. Basically? It wasn’t hard for Kairi to spot another Princess of Heart like herself, and how she prayed that this woman would end up leading her to Sora as she tried to help her! But since this world was so glorious—with bright colors everywhere, sunny colors, sweet people, and more delicious food than Kairi had ever been able to dream of—she had no idea why an acidic apple came flying towards both Giselle and a man on a bicycle. Only the Princess’ great reflexes with the Keyblade kept both of them safe… and the apples even began to try and burn through Destiny’s Embrace and shatter them the way Riku’s Way to the Dawn had. But Kairi uttered a quick “curaga” on her blade and was thankfully able to save it in time. But Kairi did not make Giselle and Robert’s (she’d learn his name later, too) acquaintance right away. No. She lost track of them in the massive throng of people, and instead ended up in a diner—at first just thinking she’d order something to eat and figure out her options then—when she saw what had to be the Princess’ prince based on what he was wearing, and the way he looked into the distance hopefully: the way that Kairi had often seen Sora look right before they were reunited again. “I will find Giselle, Nathaniel. This hard world will not deter me!” “As it shouldn’t, sire,” the man who Kairi could only assume was “Nathaniel” answered back to his prince before scurrying away somewhat suspiciously, but Kairi didn’t give it much mind. Instead, she went to sit beside the sweet—and somewhat clueless, it would seem—prince, who reminded Kairi a bit of her Sora, if she was being honest. She reached her hand out to shake the man’s hand and said with start of a smile, “Hello there. My name is Kairi… and I think I may have seen the woman you’re looking for. And I think I could find her for you, if I really tried.” “Could you really, kind lady?!” And the prince was on his feet at once, before then kneeling and then kissing Kairi’s hand—something that made her feel guilty like Riku hugging her had, but she tried to force the feeling down—“Oh, you doing that would be worth more than all the money in all the lands. What can I do to make your search up to you? Just name it, and it’s yours.” Normally, Kairi would have told this prince—Edward, he was whispering his name to her now—that that wasn’t necessary. That she only wanted to help because it was in her heart to do so… but Kairi also couldn’t help feeling this was her chance and lead to Sora, perhaps! Sora had always aided others in the worlds on their quests, that would then take him further in his own, right? Maybe the same thing was happening here. Perhaps Edward was meant to find Sora for her, and she’d find Giselle for him. “I- I’m looking for a lost love, too. A ‘Sora’. And if you happen to see him, and could just let me know, I’d appreciate it.” And having found a camaraderie with each other, the two began telling each other stories about their beloved. Prince Edward told Kairi that Giselle had the most beautiful singing voice he’d ever heard—and the sweetest heart… And Kairi told him about some of her and Sora’s more childish moments: of when Kairi was sad that she had swallowed her tooth, and was worried the Tooth Fairy wouldn’t give her a dollar because of it, and Sora had then pulled out his own falling tooth via a door, and given it to her. But also of their older times together, too: of how, oddly enough, Kairi had felt more butterflies when Sora’s fingers had just brushed against hers when she’d given him Mickey’s letter, than when he’d given her her lucky charm back slightly before that… and how that had just kept growing and growing. The two of them—totally lost in their love for others… and not even realizing people had gathered around them to listen to their “fantastical narratives”—probably would have continued on there, if Kairi hadn’t started hearing an ominous voice in her head… coming from the kitchen, it sounded like, and talking about killing someone? If she’d heard them correctly?! And if she hadn’t started feeling darkness in that exact moment… that she know wasn’t coming from Prince Edward, but where, then? “I- I’ve got to get out of here,” Kairi whispered, hating herself that she was leaving early through this cute chipmunk’s—who’d just shown up on the scene’s—attempts to tell them something about Giselle. “I- I promise I’ll find your Giselle for you… but if I don’t leave right now, I’m going to do something stupid.” Like find this caster of darkness and sell my soul to them—or it—in order to find Sora. And as Kairi pushed her way out the door, she heard this voice in her head: 'Oh, little princess—much like Giselle here—you have no idea who you’re dealing with, or even what you’ve begun for yourself, do you?

… It must have been Kairi’s day to go to restaurants—despite the fact that she was seasoned Keyblade wielder, who should have been out on the streets fighting Heartless… wasn’t that what she’d wanted and what the worlds usually seemed to want?—because after a lot of searching; and not before she fought a Heartless version of herself, that some mysterious force had made who had kept taunting her about her stupidity—Kairi found herself going to a pizzeria just for a bite to eat, since she was getting famished. And who should she find there but the very princess she was looking for? Kairi saw Giselle with the man from earlier and an adorable little girl, that made Kairi think that if she ever found Sora… she did want to have kids with him one day. Kairi walked over to Giselle—not even worrying about ordering food at the moment—and prepared to tell her the good news about her prince Edward… but had to pause when she heard Giselle seeming to insinuate that she was on a date with this man—and almost seeming to be excited about it—before he hastily corrected her? Perhaps? Kairi was about to turn around then, thinking that maybe this woman wasn’t Giselle, after all, or to maybe ask Prince Edward if he was maybe confused about their relationship to each other if this was Giselle, when the orange-haired-girl saw Kairi and stopped her. “Uhh? Excuse me? Miss?” and Kairi could only assume that Giselle was talking to her, since—other than Giselle—she was the only woman in this place, as the rest of the restaurant seemed to have been rented out for some father and son bonding, if the signs were anything to go off of. “I believe I saw you out and about in New York today. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw you sending a flying apple from out of our way. And I’d like to thank you. What a strong and kind heart you must have, to do such a thing.” “What?” asked the dashing man beside Giselle—who, if Kairi was being honest, was probably closed to what her idea of “tall, dark, and handsome” had been when she was young. “Giselle, there were thousands of people out and about today. You can’t really be sure that-“ “It was no problem,” Kairi was already answering, though, before those doubtful words had even caught up with her. “Protecting people is sort of what I do. I was happy to help,” …But if only she’d been good at helping people when Sora had disappeared—and been conscious, in order to stop him from senselessly sacrificing himself for her—but- it was probably best to not dwell on that now (even if she wanted to); these strangers didn’t need to know all about her woes. No, she would smile for them and pretend everything was alright, instead. Wasn’t that how she always was with strangers now? It was only around her friends, that she showed how broken she was… but then when she did, she had to even wonder if that was a good thing to do. Because Riku had been hating on her some for it, hadn’t he? “You’re a hero?!” the little girl with the cute curls asked Kairi, as Kairi took a seat beside them… thinking that if they were going to be having a conversation here, she ought to be polite and not block everyone’s view of the TV. “That’s so cool! Do you think you could give me hero lessons?!” “I’m- I’m really not a hero,” Kairi argued, as she put a gentle hand on the child’s hand—to try and let her know that she wasn’t disagreeing with her because of her, but since she hated herself. “I’m anything but… And while dreams of… heroing are lovely; and some day you may become one yourself and it will be wonderful for you… try to enjoy the simple things of being a child while you can.” “Yes, thank you! The last thing I want, is for Morgan to think that doing dangerous things is good. And Giselle’s right: thank you for bouncing that ball out of the way for us today. I’d thought it was a ball, but it was an apple? That’s crazy. But thank you. I’m Robert, by the way.” He reached his hand out for Kairi to shake it, and she did. And the moment she touched him—maybe it was her Princess of Heart powers—Kairi could tell that Robert had once been a bright light, similar to her, until he’d become jaded like her. And Kairi felt a certain camaraderie there. And while she’d still try to do what she could for Prince Edward… Kairi thought that if Giselle had found someone to balance her out, when she was maybe too idealistic otherwise, was probably a good thing. “Ahh. I guess I’ll do that, then…” Morgan said with a bitter edge to her voice as she began coloring again, but still with a grin for Kairi. And maybe that’s why Kairi chose to then tell everyone gathered who she was (even if she despised who she was). “…Kairi. My name’s Kairi, and it’s nice to meet you all.” And here Kairi bowed at them, that the three seemed to appreciate, but Kairi also thought she’d done something wrong by their reactions. Oh well. “It’s nice to meet you, Kairi. And while I get where you’re coming from—because if I hadn’t tried to rescue Pip, the chain of events that led me to this strange place may have never happened—I’m also glad that I did it. Because Pip deserves to live, of course. And this land is magical, despite everything, and I never would have experienced without my actions… so I’m here, but I’m holding onto my love for my past through my memories.” “You tell them, Giselle,” Morgan supplied, and Kairi noticed that she was giving the woman she was coloring orange hair, too. Maybe… maybe Giselle was right. Perhaps she was looking at this whole thing wrong. And could she, too, now balance her sense of reality with that old idealism somehow? And it was just when Kairi was about to tell Morgan of some of Sora and Riku's adventures--to prove she wasn't completely against teens saving the world--that the chipmunk Kairi had seen earlier appeared on the scene! "Pip!" Giselle exclaimed, as both Giselle and Morgan--and even Kairi herself cooed over him--and when he told Giselle that her prince was there to save her, Kairi cut in that she had meant to tell her that. But then somehow or another, Pip ended up in a pizza, as a man was trying to get him, and Morgan was frantic. And when the pizza went in the oven, Kairi had never felt worse in her life. And when she proved to be the only one who could calm Morgan down--as she got lost in her tales of Chip and Dale--Robert and Giselle invited her over. … Later that night, once Kairi had exhausted herself in trying to assure Morgan that Pip—from what she had seen—seemed plenty resourceful and had surely escaped with his wits about him, she exited the little girl’s room to find Robert and Giselle in some sort of argument… Well, that wasn’t entirely true. First, she’d unintentionally overheard Robert saying how his first wife had left him and that had made him wake up to the idea that true love didn’t exist. And Kairi’s heart had gone out to him, because even while she still strongly believed in what she and Sora had and always would… it had been losing him that had made her somewhat wake up to the horrors of the world. But after that, Robert began trying to Giselle that Prince Edward wasn’t coming for her for whatever reason—something that Kairi had been about to step in and correct—until Giselle sort of ended up snapping herself. And that was what really called on Kairi to make herself known, despite the fact that none of this was really her business at all. Because… was Giselle also somewhat waking up like she had? Giselle seemed furious for the first time that Kairi had ever seen (not that she’d known her much thus far, to be fair). But she seemed oddly… thrilled about it, as she laughed gleefully at the fact that she was angry… before Robert walked off, after Giselle’s hand had found its way to his chest. Kairi remembered what it had felt like to have Sora’s chest pressed up against her own, as he had saved her from Terra-Xehanort… and it was that, more than anything, that made Kairi finally decide to make her presence known and to tell Giselle what was in her heart. “You- you have a right to angel, Giselle. All- all people do. And don’t let anyone tell you any differently, okay? Especially if someone you love has hurt you… intentionally, or not.” Giselle didn’t say anything for a long time—and Kairi was beginning to wonder if she would—so she occupied her time by looking at the holes in the curtains, that it looked as though Giselle had used to make her dresses… the strange pizza boxes that actually seemed to hold something called “doughnut sandwiches”, and the homework of Morgan’s that was littering the couch and hadn’t found its way into her schoolbag yet. There was such a nice, normal life here… and Kairi selfishly wanted to be part of it… Or rather, a life like this with Sora. "Kairi... if you don't mind my asking, do you prefer the emotion of anger? You're kind of acting like it, from what I’ve seen—or maybe hiding your true heart underneath it, a bit like Nancy—not! that I'm badmouthing you or Nancy! You're such a lovely girl, who I sense is trying to be there for everyone here. And as for Nancy�� deep down, I sense that she wants something magical like what I have with my Edward." Wow. Giselle had sized Kairi up even better than Naminé ever had. And that was saying something! Though Kairi felt awful, with what Giselle had taken to mean her preferring being mad to anything else. But what was worse, was that Kairi was starting to imagine she was right. And if she was, the Master of Masters might as well have taken her for his plan now! But even if she was doomed, she would stir Giselle in the right way. She would! Kairi promised herself, as she clenched her fists so tightly that her nails drew blood from her skin that way. "I- I'm starting to think one needs both positive and negative sets of emotions in order to be whole. And since if I’m right, it actually affects you, Giselle, as a New Seven Hearts... I'm going to tell you the truth that I probably shouldn’t." “…You and I both have hearts of pure light. But everyone else in the world—save for five others like us—have darkness in their hearts, preferably in balance with their light. I- I used to think we could Seven Hearts could still feel the negative emotions that would lead to darkness in others' hearts—without it doing the same for us—but now I’m not so sure. “Maybe the way I am, with the light in my heart, makes me broken so that I can't understand those who have to deal with a lot of tragedies in their lives… and that's why they leave me. But I'm not saying you'relike that, Giselle... I’m probably just all kinds of a freak, because I wield a Keyblade unlike any other sort of Princess thus far.” But as all of what she’d just said caught up with her, Kairi instantly regretted it. And for it, Kairi almost thought she deserved for the Master of Masters to show up that very moment and give her a thrashing or something. Kairi knew that she hadn’t been applying any of her self-loathing comments to Giselle... but why even sayany of them out loud, then, on the off-chance that Giselle would still take it the wrong way? Kairi was about to apologize for everything she’d just done, but before she could Giselle was throwing her arms around her. "…It sounds to me that you've suffered very much, Kairi, and I'm so sorry for that... You've given me a lot to think over, and I believe most of it. Before, I honestly would have thought you were wrong about needing to feel things like anger, sadness, and envy... but through comparing and contrasting those with their opposite, isn't that how we know the good?" But even with Giselle offering Kairi an olive branch here, she still wanted to try and make things right with her. She thought that the new Princess was perhaps being too kind to her, like Anna, Rapunzel, and even Elsa. But when the woman pulled away from Kairi with a calculating look in her eyes, the auburn-haired-girl thought Giselle must have figured out all the secrets of the multiverse, and she believed in her. … Kairi couldn’t sleep that night, as everything she had thought about and discussed with Giselle hours before—and memories of everything she had been through post-Sora’s disappearance—was causing a conga line of trauma in her heart. So when she eventually heard what sounded like a crash at the door and loud voices, Kairi partly thought she was still dreaming—from the few hours she had been able to sleep—but when she heard the angry tone of Prince Edward, and what sounded like a squeak from Robert, she knew that things had gone to hell in a handbasket and she darted out of bed. And with Destiny’s Embrace acting like more of an extension of her arm than it ever had before, she stopped Prince Edward from dispatching Robert just in time: as she blocked Prince Edward’s weapon with her own. Not having to be told to move twice, Robert moved over to Giselle’s side as they both tried to scream to Prince Edward what was going on. “Fair Kairi, was I wrong to trust you?! Were you also a part of the hideous scheme that took my Giselle away from me all along?!” as he asked this question, the prince was able to cut Kairi’s cheek and—in her shock for that—nearly stab it into her chest. But Kairi simply put a hand over the wound to halt some of the worst of its attributes, and then kicked at him so that he fell into a beanbag chair behind them. Kairi aimed her Keyblade at the Prince, and was about to perform a “Stop” spell on him, if necessary—despite the fact that she didn’t want to seem like she was a witch, to add fuel to Prince Edward’s theory—but it wasn’t necessary when Giselle ran to Edward’s side and embraced him. “Edward, dear, I fell into this land by accident and these kind people have been helping me ever since.” “Oh!” Edward exclaimed, with his demeanor changing completely—back to the man Kairi had actually liked—as he smiled at everyone and offered them his hand. “Then you have my most sincere thank yous, peasants.” And having had enough excitement for one morning—for one life, really—Kairi went back to sleep. She’d deal with whatever Kingdom Hearts was trying to tell her when she had more sleep or caffeine in her system. Preferably both. … When Kairi next awoke—far into the night this time. Oops—it was to find out that Prince Edward and Giselle had gone on some sort of date. And while that seemed right to Kairi—and what she’d been aiming for here along—she also couldn’t deny the sense of wrongness she felt, when she saw how heartbroken Robert looked about it. And as she did notice that, something dawned on Kairi—as she set to making him the kind of tasty coffee that Master Yen Sid had taught her to make with magic—“That’s why you invited me here too, isn’t it? Because I feel in this world, people don’t trust easily and wouldn’t just allow strangers into their homes so easily. You can tell I’m kind of like Giselle. And while you don’t love me, like you do her, you don’t want all magic to leave you and Morgan if she ends up leaving you.” And the way that Robert looked at her then, as he blew at the hot drink that Kairi had just put into his hands, told her that she’d hit the nail on the head. “You’re under no obligation to stay, of course. Neither was, nor is, Giselle. I just wanted to help you both, when I realized you were innocents in New York, of all places, with nowhere to stay and nowhere to protect you… And if you’re able to give a sense of fun to Morgan—that I can’t give her—before you leave, who am I to begrudge you that?” But you are fun to Morgan, Kairi wanted to argue. I could tell that from how she was reading the Madame Curie book, you obviously gave her, before she went to bed last night. She was doing this for you. But she didn’t. Instead, Kairi decided to focus on another question she’d had since entering this world. “I guess I am a bit like Giselle… and come from a place where people believe in one and onlys. So I’ve been confused by the feelings that I’ve seen Giselle show for both you and Prince Edward. But I’ve got to ask: do you think Giselle is your one and only soulmates?” Like Sora is mine, even though I had some crush on Riku when I was younger? And Kairi could tell by his silence, that Robert thought the answer was “yes”, or would have liked it to be. But he’d never say it aloud… probably because he had loved his ex-wife, and maybe thought that she had been a “one and only” for him at the time… Or because he’d become too jaded to voice that he still believed in that stuff, or because he thought it would be inappropriate to discuss or didn’t want to get his heart broken again. But Kairi knew the answer. And it made her sad, as she took a dainty sip from her own coffee and judged the world. “Life isn’t fair, is it?” “No. No it is not.” … Kairi learned the next day—after she hadn’t learned her lesson about getting enough sleep at all, for she had gone out into the night again and fought Heartless after Heartless and Nobody after Nobody—that there was some sort of ball that evening, that both Prince Edward and Giselle and Robert and this Nancy were planning on intending. And while a side of Kairi had been tempted to tell them this was a bad idea—because Robert and Giselle seeing each other all dolled up would surely hurt them even more, with what couldn’t be; Kairi remembered well how Sora had reacted to seeing her older and much prettier in the Castle That Never Was, after all—she’d been unable to deny Giselle and Morgan when they invited her to their “girls night out” to help Giselle get ready. Giselle was also suggesting that Kairi go. And who was she to say no to that, when Kairi was still very much a girl herself and would take any excuse to wear a pretty new dress? So out shopping—and eventually to the salon—they went. Giselle bought an elegant baby purple dress that was almost mermaid and hugged all of her curves… and Kairi went with a similarly cut light brown one (though faux snakeskin)… because she had once dreamed she’d find Sora again while wearing that color partly. And if she could try and make that dream a reality, Kairi would gladly do it. At the salon, she also gave herself a buzz cut—because it would help with all her fighting—whereas Giselle just nicely straightened her hair. But since with her hair option, Kairi knew she had—arguably—made herself uglier than she’d ever looked before, she made sure to go all out with her makeup and jewelry to doll herself up even more. But it was as the hairdresser was adding some wave to Giselle’s locks—and Kairi was buying the best smelling hair gel that she could, to even try and spike her hair some—that Kairi overheard Morgan telling Giselle that boys only wanted one thing. And while it was clear that the young girl had no idea what she was saying—thank the light—Kairi couldn’t help becoming livid, that this was always said against boys. Sora wasn’t like this! Riku wasn’t! And neither were any of the Guardians of Light, for that matter! …But then as Kairi realized she was getting riled up at something as silly as this, she guessed that the Master of Masters must have been right about her and that maybe she was doomed, after all. And Sora… he would surely never love her as she was now, right? So as it was… dark thoughts plagued Kairi, and it ruined a lot of her, Giselle, and Morgan’s time together—though she tried not to let it, and to point out bunnies in the clouds before the taxi driver dropped her off back home—and even her half-an-hour in a cab with Prince Edward and Giselle as they rode to the dance together. But once they reached their destination and Kairi stepped outside, she found her mood improving exponentially. Unlike the rest of New York, this part of it seemed to be kept pretty pristine: so Kairi had no doubt that someone had been hired to sweep outside of this theater, which made her appreciate the brown sidewalk of this world for the first time since she’d seen it. Kairi was also impressed by the wide screen TVs just above the building they were about to enter, that were showing various pictures of the inside and announcing in glitter where they were at. Kairi had never seen something quite so beautiful. And she bet her sister—the artist Naminé—would have appreciated it, too. "Well, shall we my ladies?" Prince Edward asked, as he kindly made sure Kairi and Giselle's coats were securely on them—even though they were about to go inside—since it was a bit chilly. And they followed the crowd and went in, and into the most gorgeous room Kairi had ever beheld. It looked a lot like the floor of the ball pit that Sora had gotten to explore on his last adventure—Kairi knew this from Naminé having shown her some of Sora's memories, on the off-chance that it would help them find him. And everyone was decked out to the nines, and seemed to be having the greatest time. And the punch bowl seemed to be made of ice, if you could believe it! And there seemed to be a purple gem theme that permeated the entire room, that even made it into the balloons above them. "Breathtaking!" Kairi gasped, just as Giselle came up to her side and smiled—laying a friendly hand on Kairi’s shoulder as she did so. Prince Edward took both his date and Kairi's coats off of them now. And as he did so, Kairi noticed Robert—and who she assumed to be Nancy—before them and she could tell that Giselle did, too. Nancy looked absolutely gorgeous—with her hair in stylish pigtails, as she wore a green dress with red accents on it. Robert had cleaned up well, too, as he wore a black tuxedo with his hair slicked back. Kairi was reminded of school events that she  and Sora had dragged Riku to—as he had never wanted to go to them—but he always stole the show at. Robert and Giselle started making small talk… and with that, Kairi felt somewhat out of place and didn't know what to do. She wanted to tell them both to follow their hearts, but how could she when hurt would come from it? She had followed her heart and fought in the Keyblade War, and Sora had died because of it... So to distract herself from the pain and all of the confusion, Kairi introduced herself to Nancy and then suggested that he and Nancy dance together, when it became clear the first waltz was intended for a man with a woman he hadn’t asked out that evening. As Kairi stood on the sidelines, many young men sweetly began asking her to dance… but she turned them all down, for they were not Sora or even Riku. And it was at that point that she—ridiculously, in her eyes—began crying, and wondering what had happened to the tough girl she'd become, as she found herself almost becoming jealous of all of the couples before her. It was then that Kairi heard the same mysterious voice from before. ‘Oh! Poor dear Kairi: doomed to be forever injured by this cruel, cruel world. But, hey: maybe it doesn’t have to be that way. I don’t want Giselle to inherit my throne, because she and my son will force me off it to follow the rules… But if I share my home with you, you won’t… will you, Kairi? After all, I can tell you care little about rules anymore and only want stability. Or, moreover… perhaps I can give you what you want from the depths of your very heart! And before Kairi’s very heart, a Heartless in the form of Sora was created… Though “Heartless” might not have been the right word for it, because that seemed to imply the Shadow Soras or Anti-Sora that Riku had once created… This dark Sora was so close to the real thing in his Anti-Form or Rage Form—even though, deep down, Kairi knew that it was still a Heartless—that Kairi could have almost believed that it was him, and that she’d found him at long last! But she also wasn’t stupid enough to fall for this trap. Now that she thought about it, this was the second time that Kairi had heard about possible danger for Giselle. And at the top of the stairs, Kairi could see someone trying to give Giselle an apple or something! The Princess of Heart tried with all her might to get to her, but she found that she couldn’t move… because—metaphorically, and even somewhat literally—she was split in two: her heart wanted to do the right thing and help her new friend. But her body, that had somewhat been succumbing to wants and desires in this place, wanted nothing but the Sora before her… even if he was a fake, it didn’t care. And when he did a “come hither” motion, Kairi found her body flowing to him of its own accord… and then it was following him into the dark corridor he’d just made on the floor—as so many screamed out for Giselle in that exact moment. ... Kairi, somehow, became aware that it had been moreso her astral body that had followed this “Sora”—as her physical one was desperately trying to regain consciousness in order to help out—on the ballroom floor, but there seemed like there was nothing she could do to cement the two back together. And the most awful part of all of this? Kairi thought that if she had had to fall, she had fallen for the wrong reason. For the most part—though Sora had been misled before—it usually had nothing to do with him chasing phantom versions of her. She was supposed to be like Sora, wasn’t she? And here she had pulled a Riku, almost, when he had listened to Maleficent’s honeyed promises about saving her. Just what was wrong with her?! And it was when Kairi was having these despairing thoughts—and tearing at the little hair she had in her anger—that a memory of Sora’s somehow came her way... of when he had fought Roxas for the first time and the former Nobody had been raining two Keyblades down on him, and Sora had blocked them with a spin and with just Decisive Pumpkin on hand. Idly, Kairi had to wonder if she was maybe doing the same thing against the Sora Heartless’ physical body now (because it seemed it hadn’t really come to this place and had tricked her. Was it still up there with her body, that was only starting to come awake?)... she felt in her body that she probably was, but she didn’t really know. Not when all her consciousness wanted to do, was to reach down and touch the face that she saw on Sora’s heart platform in his memory with Roxas here. In said memory, Roxas was now asking Sora why the Keyblade had chosen him, and realizing it was because he loved both her and Riku so much—as he stood between pictures of both of them—and Kairi thought she might cry. But she also thought she’d done enough of that for a lifetime, so she held it back. 'Are you somehow talking to me here, Sora? ...Telling me that I’m not a fool for losing myself, just for a moment, in my love for you? Or… if you were able to connect to me in this world, are you saying that you’re in this Andalasia New York?!' But as he had done in some of his second journey there, Sora ignored Kairi and she got no answer. And she was left trying to figure it all out for herself. But wasn't that how Sora himself had been on most of his quests? She knew when Ansem Seeker of Darkness had tried to behead Sora, for instance, that he had thrown Donald and Goofy out beforehand. So, holding onto the belief that if Sora could triumph alone, she could do the same… Kairi decided to be strong just like Sora, and she blinked her eyes open. And whatever the reason, the dark Sora had been encompassed by light and was already starting to dissipate as he cried out… and Kairi almost bawled her eyes out for him, or reached for him, but she didn’t: for through his form, Kairi saw Giselle fighting a giant dragon outside and she knew that that should be her priority. The massive blue dragon was speaking to Giselle in that haunting female’s voice that she had now heard three times, and had climbed to the top of a tower with Robert in hand! And Giselle only had a sword to try and fend her off with! Kairi summoned her Keyblade to aid her once more, and was awe-struck when it wasn’t Destiny’s Embrace she was seeing… but somehow Oathkeeper. And that was all she really needed to know, wasn’t it? Kairi was just about to run outside into the rain, when she was stopped by a plump, blond man, who was wearing outfits that spoke to her of Giselle’s and Prince Edward’s. "Princess of Heart, that beast is Prince Edward's mother, the queen Narissa. She wants Giselle to die so that she won’t have to give up her throne for her, and I'm ashamed to say I tried to help her with that... and with some plans against you." "We- we all make mistakes, Sir, but what matters is that you recognized yours, and told me about it so I can help stop things before it becomes too late. That's what matters. And I’m sure Prince Edward feels the same way,” for it was suddenly clear to Kairi that this was the man she’d seen scurrying away from the Prince when she’d first met him. And just behind them, Prince Edward smiled at this man from his court to seemingly tell him that Kairi was right. But before Kairi could witness anymore of this catharsis with them, she used flowmotion to climb the dragon’s back and was then using “Flare” to try and light it up. Meanwhile, Giselle and Pip were cleverly attacking Narissa’s head with blade and weight. But Narissa noticed what Kairi was doing right away, and sent her tail flying into the Princess' face to knock her away. And somehow, it was not the fact that she was flying backwards into a building that Kairi noticed while she was losing, but the rough indents the spike of Narissa’s tail had just left in her face. They hurt. "Ohhhhhh? Is the selfish Princess Kairi finally here to help her friend Giselle, when before she was lost in her own woes? Well, guess what: it doesn't matter. Either way, I'll smash you both into smithereens and still play myself as the victim here!" Narissa hissed, as she also sent Gargoyle Heartless Kairi's way—that tried to pick her up via her light weight and throw her back to the ground, once she’d finally gotten her bearings. But Kairi resisted like it was nothing. "Holy!" she cried out, as she released a beam of light from her Keyblade that then washed the world in its vibrance. But while it was enough to keep Narissa’s tail from moving, it didn’t seem enough to do more to her. Kairi was about to worry for that fact, but then she heard Giselle's voice as she slid down the woman's back and stabbed her with her sword. "Kairi isn't selfish. She's one of the dearest friends I’ve never know—who has told me many truths, even though it’s hurt her!" "Giselle-" Kairi choked out at her friend's easy defense of her. And just as she did, she decided to help Giselle with the final blow. "Pearl!" Kairi screamed, as she did an attack similar to Holy... but that separated itself somewhat, so that it could hit every target on Narissa that Kairi wanted it to. And as Kairi did that, Giselle batted the witch on the head one last time and then jumped into the air so she could free Robert from her claw... but then they were falling out of her hand and down the roof! Except... except that Kairi saw they were fine, and now kissing on said roof. Deciding to leave them alone for just a moment, Kairi returned to the ball room... where she saw Edward and Nancy running away somewhere together? Huh. It seemed they had done the switcheroo on mates, after all. They would probably be fine… But Kairi wanted to make sure, anyway, and to finally give this “Andalasia” place some exploring. And when she got there, she saw that time moved somewhat differently there (it also looked somewhat different here: more like the worlds she was used to seeing, whereas the other one had seemed more like the Pirate world Sora had told her about… or so she guessed). Nathaniel, who had once worked for Queen Narissa, was writing a book about everything he’d been through and an agent by his side seemed very interested in it. And in the background—as they looked through books on shelves to try and find inspiration for what Nathaniel’s book should look like—Edward and Nancy were planning a wedding and inviting Kairi to it, when they got all the kinks worked out… which she of course agreed to. And then Kairi was feeling a weight on her shoulder and again seeing the cute chipmunk from earlier. In a much deeper voice than Kairi had been expecting of him—though, to be fair, she hadn’t thought he could talk at all—he was telling her, “It seems to me, that—for the time being at least—little Giselle doesn’t need me anymore. But it seems like you could use a shoulder to cry on, sweet girl. Mind if I go with you on your adventure?” For the first time in a long time, Kairi truly smiled—thinking that this was how Sora must have felt whenever he had gotten Summons before—“No… I don’t at all. And thank you. But first, I think we should go back and see Giselle and get her permission first.” And back to see Giselle, they went… Or, moreover, back to see Morgan first: as Robert and Giselle were in her room, reading her a bedtime story about Twelve Dancing Princesses, and Kairi had been unable to deny helping to read it to her, too. It was when the adults had safely exited Morgan’s room when she was asleep, that hugs and thank yous were given. “Well, I can’t speak for Giselle, of course… But I think she’d be thrilled with you taking Pip as a thank you, since you helped save me and always believed in us… and love, deep down.” “And that’s- that’s why I actually have to go!” Kairi explained, as she looked at her two new friends in turn, so they’d see how serious this was and maybe finally know the real her. “Because- Because there’s a reason I saw myself in everyone here—and also why I’ve become so jaded—my- my boyfriend died… but I think that he’s out there, and I can save him. I just need to try really hard, and all the help I can get.” And before Kairi could even blink, she found herself in a hug from Giselle again—as the other Princess of Heart even kissed her cheek this time. “Then, yes: please take Pip with you. And if you need my help, I’ll even be content to leave here and help you for a little while, if need be. But thinking of here: always know that you’re always welcome back. Pip, Kairi, take care of each other on the long road.” And as Pip nuzzled into Kairi’s neck and she giggled, she found that neither one of them had to be told that twice. And then—right then—Kairi thought she heard Sora’s voice for the first time in years. “K-K-Kairi, go to- go to a world where you think I became the strongest. There’s something for you there.” And as a tear slid down Kairi’s eye, that both Robert and Giselle tried to wipe away for her, she thought she knew exactly where she was going to next. Author’s Note: I’m sorry that this took me so long to write/post. I hand wrote some of it… and that was actually somewhat my downfall, since it took me forever to type it up after that. And after Re:Mind came out and fixed some of my worries about Kairi going forward, I wasn’t sure if this story was necessary anymore and if I should finish it. But I definitely want to, so here we are Enchanted is also a dream world for me, and I wanted it in this story one way or another… but it was really hard for me to write—perhaps for obvious reasons—and I rewrote a lot of it. Hopefully it’s okay in the end. I actually wanted to do stuff with Nancy, but it didn’t pan out. Prince Edward also sort of disappears, which is a shame since he and Kairi were bonding at first (and they do still have that bond, don’t get me wrong). But perhaps it makes sense, that this moreso focused on Giselle and Robert in the end (and Kairi’s relationship with them), like the film.

[petertingle-yipyip]

Tension-Kol Mikaelson ft. Kai Parker

//Requested: Can u do one where Kol goes back to Mystic Falls to get the reader back, and finds out from the Salvatore's that Kai has become obsessed with her? And he becomes jealous and angry, and tries to talk her into leaving with him to New Orleans? And also, Kai constantly gets in the way to try and get the reader's love. // //Requested:  can you make a imagine with a kol mikaelson jealous / possessive ? fluff or smutt , please 💜//

//Warnings: Violence, language, fluff/angst cuz im an angsty teen idk. Pairings: Kol x reader. Kai x reader Tag List @akshi8278 @simonsaysyasss //

“What do you mean he’s back, Stefan?” You asked as you lounged on the couch in the Salvatore’s front room. “The whole family went back to New Orleans years ago.”

“I’m telling you, Y/N. He’s back. I saw him at the Grill this morning.” Stefan confirmed.

You groaned and threw your head back, staring at the ceiling and the Heavens above. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Part of you had always hoped Kol would come back to Mystic Falls. Part of you had always missed him. But the rest of you knew it would only be trouble. But everyone knows how much you loved him. Could you say that you were over it when you’re face to face with him? You weren’t so sure.

You let him go without question because you knew his family was important to him. They may hate each other at points but for the most part, Kol needed his siblings. They loved him. And sure, he might be willing to be selfish every now and then but he also knew he deserved to be happy. Wherever that was.

Once that pain had subsided, you did wish he would come back. You had given so much to him over the years, and when he left, he took that with him. You wished you could at least hear from him again. But now that he was back, you wished you had some warning.

In the time without Kol, you had to figure out who you were again. Being with someone so wholly, you forget who you were before them. It was scary rediscovering who you are and how you changed. Luckily, you didn’t have to do it all alone. You had the Salvatores, who were like your brothers, and surprisingly, you had Kai.

Kai Parker was a mess. He knew it. You knew it. It’d be easier to think of who didn’t know it. Upon his escape from the prison world, you ended up on babysitting duty and within that time, Kai developed a borderline obsession with you. He called you all the time, showed up on your doorstep, and just happened to be in the same place you were. It was endearing at first but then it became a bit concerning.

He admitted he was ‘intrigued’ by you and after his merge with Luke, he discovered it was more romantic than that. Admittedly, you let things with Kai play out on their own since you were too concerned with your own well-being.

A few days after Stefan’s warning, you saw him. He was as beautiful and magnetizing as ever. Luckily, he hadn’t noticed you so you were able to sneak around him to the other side of the bar at the Grill, where you were greeted by who seemed to be the only human left in Mystic Falls, Matt Donovan.

“Hey.” He smiled. “What can I get you?”

“Just a cola, please.” You smiled and he nodded before busying himself with your order.

“So, how long were you going to avoid me?” A voice said at your side and you rolled your eyes, knowing it was only a matter of time before he found you.

“Honestly Kai, I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with you right now.” You sighed as Matt placed your soda in front of you. “There’s too much going on.”

“Right... Cause Kol is back, huh?” He said plainly.

“Greetings from the dead.” Another voice interrupted and your grip on your glass tightened slightly. “So, who fancies a drink?”

“Hey, it’s alright. I don’t mind competition.” Kai said with a chuckle when you quietly sipped your soda.

“Who says it’s a competition, Mate?” Kol said with a dry chuckle. “Hello, Darling.” He directed at you when you didn’t say anything to him.

You raised your hand, two fingers slightly raised in greeting, without turning to face him. You knew if you looked into his eyes, you’d be putty in his hands, as you always had been. And of course he knew it. He placed his hands on your shoulder, leaning down to whisper in your ear. Kai jumped in before he could.

“Are we telling secrets?” Kai whispered loudly, causing you to stifle a giggle and nearly choke on your drink.

“None that concern you, thanks.” Kol said bitterly.

“Be nice, Kol.” You sighed, turning your head towards Kai, catching a glimpse of Kol out the corner of your eye. “He’s been good to me these past few weeks.”

“Really, now?” Kol laughed, taking one hand off your shoulders.

“Better than you’ve been to her.” Kai countered.

“Want to say that again?” Kol chuckled dryly.

“Gladly.” Kai shrugged with an amused smile.

“Come on, Kai.” You said, dropping a ten on the counter top and taking Kai’s hand in yours. “Kol’s just passing through anyways, right?” You glanced at Kol.

He stood at you with a clenched jaw, arms crossed over his chest. He lifted his eyebrows in challenge, as if to ask if you knew what you were doing. You shot him a wink and left with Kai.

Later that week, they both found you again. You were walking the halls of the high school, waiting for Stefan to finish football practice. Leave it to Stefan to get roped into high school antics again.

“Well, if isn’t my favorite vampire.” Kai said with a smile.

“Why am I not surprised?” You sighed in amusement. “Nice to see you again.”

“Always nice to see you, Y/N.” He winked, linking arms with you and leading you around the school. “So what’s up with Kol?”

“That’s complicated.” You shrugged. “I loved him. He left. Now he’s back and I don’t know how I feel.”

“I came back for a reason, Y/N.” Kol’s voice came from behind you.

“Yeah, well when it takes you this long to come back, maybe it’s not worth it.” You countered, stopping your steps. Kai came around and stood in 

front of you, watching Kol over your shoulder.

“Did you ever think that maybe I couldn’t come back?” Kol argued.

“If it mattered that much to you, you would’ve found a way back. You could’ve at least called. Wrote a damn letter or something.” You sighed.

“Please, Y/N.. I came back for you. I love y-” Kol tried.

“No. You don’t get to ghost me for years on end and show up here like nothing happened.” You spun on your heel to face him. “You meant the world to me, Kol. I would’ve moved mountains, split oceans, and calmed storms if you had asked me to. I would’ve given my life for yours in a second, and you left. I get that I let you leave, but you didn’t even ask if I wanted to go with you.”

“Let me explain, please.” Kol pleaded.

“No, I think it’s time for you to go.” Kai defended you, stepping around you to block you from view.

“Kai, don’t.” You said softly, putting a hand on his arm.

“I’d listen to Y/N.” Kol said calmly. “You wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“I think you’d be surprised.” Kai retorted.

“Alright, just stop!” You exclaimed, pushing past the boys. “You’re acting like overly hormonal teenagers, acting like I’m some prize. I’m not something to be won in a pissing contest!”

You stormed out of the school. As you left, you messaged Stefan and told him you had to leave. You entered the Salvatore house and made you way to your room, ignoring Damon and Elena’s questions.You locked yourself in your room for the next week. You came out only for a snack and you took it back to your room with you. Kai and Kol had called a thousand times each, with twice as messages texts to go with it. Some were apologies. Some wanted to set up something so you could talk. Some were asking how you were. A couple were just random updates on their lives.

“You’re obsessed with her! You don’t care about her.” You heard Damon say from the other side of your door.

“She’s probably the only person I care about.” Kai countered.

“Oh, come on!” Damon argued. “You’re a sociopath, Kai. You don’t care about anything.”

“I think that’s a stretch coming from you, Damon, don’t you think?” Kol interjected.

“Why are you still here?” Kai asked.

“She’s the only reason you’re still alive. You do realize that, don’t you?” Kol threatened.

“If she hasn’t answered either of you by now, she might not answer either of you ever again.” Damon said, his voice fading as if he was walking away. “Think about that.”

“She was fine until you came back. You can’t just stay gone, can you?” Kai said in annoyance.

You sighed, sitting up in your bed and tilting your head to hear what the boys were saying a little bit better. It wasn’t that you didn’t want to talk to either of them again. It was more that you didn’t want to choose between them. As annoying and obsessive as Kai was towards you, he was there for you. You got used to having him around, for better or for worse. But Kol was Kol. You had spent so much time wanting him back that the second you saw him, a fire reignited in your heart.

“And you can’t just mind your business. Looks like we’re both overstepping then, hmm?” Kol pressed. “Besides, I’m going to ask her to come to New Orleans with me so we won’t have to be apart anymore.”

“Mikaelsons are all the same.” Kai snapped. “All you do is take and take and take until there’s nothing left for someone to give to you and then what? And then you disappear without a trace until you need some sort of validation.”

“You don’t know me or my family!” Kol defended. “Who do you think you are, talking to me as if you’re my better, or even my equal? Do you even know what she really wants?”

“She wants someone who is going to actually be there and watch out for her. And not just when it’s convenient.”

“That’s rich coming from you.” Kol laughed. “Weren’t you in a prison world most of your life?”

And with that sentence, Kol went flying through your doorway, knocking your door off it’s hinges. You gasped audibly and pulled your legs onto the bed to avoid any lose splinters.“Kai, what the hell?” You yelled.

Before you could get any sort of an answer, Kol and Kai were locked in a fist fight. Fists and bodies were being thrown as the two scuffled across the floor. Blood splattered on them and on various spots around your room.“Enough!” You yelled, making your way to get between the boys. You managed to shove your arms between their chests and using your elbows, you pushed them apart. You managed to keep them at arms length on either side. Kol on your left and Kai on your right.

They both wore proud smirks, as if they had been waiting to throw a punch or two at each other their whole lives. It was impossible to decipher what blood belonged to either one of them but in that moment, you didn’t quite care. You were fed up with their conflicting agendas.“I hope you don’t think beating the shit out of each other is going to convince me to pick either of you over the other.” You said after a long silence, finally breaking the stare down they were having.

“Y/N...” Kol said softly, suddenly forgetting about the third person in the room.“I thought about you everyday. I wanted to come back for you, I swear to God.”

“So why didn’t you then?” You asked, a weight lifting off your chest as you asked that simple question that had been nagging the back of your mind since he showed up again.

“I was afraid that you would hate me, but it turns out that the longer I stayed away, the worse I made things.”

“You can’t really believe this, Y/N.” Kai groaned from the other side.

“Kai, you don’t know him. You don’t know what we had.” You countered kindly.

“I know that he doesn’t deserve you.” Kai desperately argued.

“And you think you do?” You laughed a little. “Kai, you don’t know anything about me. You’ve been by my side but you don’t love me.”

“I do. I do love you. I do. I do.” He tried to assure you. 

“No, you don’t.” You shook your head, speaking softly to try to avoid a meltdown. “You’re infatuated, obsessed with me even. This isn’t love. Trust me. We’re friends, for sure. And you’re very important to my life but you don’t love me.”

Slowly, you took your hand away from Kol and moved closer to Kai. He stood frozen, staring and seemingly trying to make sense of what you had just told him. You carefully put your arms around him in a gentle hug. You held him for a moment, waiting for him to react to your embrace. To your surprise, he hugged you back.

“You have to let me make my own choices, Kai.” You said against his shoulder.

“Maybe you’re right.” He said with a small nod when he pulled away. “I’ll see you around, Y/N/N.” He patted your arm before walking by and towards the door. He looked back once to add a comment for Kol. “You still don’t deserve her, but that’s her call to make. Don't make her regret it, Kol. Or I'll make you regret it.”

And with that, Kai had left the building. Now, it was only you and Kol in the room.“He’s right...” Kol mumbled.

“Maybe he is. But that’s my call to make.” You answered. You went and sat down on your bed, dropping your hands into your folded lap. Kol soon joined you, leaving space between you two.

“Y/N-” He tried before you interjected.

“No. You’re going to listen right now.” You shook your head. “I gave up so much so early for you. And we were great. Everything I put in, you put in too. And then suddenly you needed space. And I gave it to you. I gave it to you because it was for your family. But you couldn’t even write? Couldn’t call? I heard from Klaus all the time. But not even once from you. How am I supposed to have hope when you were practically dead to me?”

“I know. I know did wrong by you, Y/N, but if you give me this last chance, I can promise that I’ll never hurt you like that again. I’ll never leave your side. I’ll never do anything to break your trust or your heart. You are all that matters to me, all that ever mattered. When I left with my siblings, I should’ve gone with you as well. I never should’ve turned my back on you. But I did. I was stupid. Can you ever forgive me?”

“Not after one apology.” You said honestly. “If you really want me back, you’ll have to prove it. And you’ll have to prove it here, in Mystic Falls. With Kai and Stefan and Damon and Elena and Bonnie and Caroline and everyone around.”

“So there’s a chance for us still?” He asked, a hopeful smile tugging the corners of his mouth up.

“Yeah, I guess there is still a chance for us.”

"That's all I can ask for, Y/N." He said proudly, gently placing a hand over yours. "I've missed you."

"Yeah, yeah." You smiled, nudging him with your shoulder.

[class-wom]

Legion Chapter 24 “Morning After”-Thoughts – SPOILERS!!!

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 SPOILER TERRITORY

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Okay, as I mentioned in a previous tag from a previous reblog, where Shakespearean tragedy analogies/comparisons are concerned, this is looking less and less like Romeo and Juliet (doomed star-crossed lovers, but hey, at least their folks kissed and made up at their funerals, so to speak!) or Hamlet (huge “pile o’ bods,” including the struggling title character, but hey, at least he finally avenged Daddy’s death and left Horatio behind to tell the tale!) and more like MacBeth.  And frankly, that’s really hard for me to take, because I hate MacBeth!!!  (That being said, yeah, Lenny is now officially a classic Lady MacBeth figure.  Out damned spot indeed!)  And it seems rather ironic to me now that the body count we thought was “a thing” by the end of the Pilot -- dead Lenny, dead Clark -- really is a thing now.  (...or is it?!?  Duh-duh-DUHHHHHHHH!!!)

On the bright side (yes, I’m determined to find one -- LOL!), good and/or bad, there was a lot that happened in this ep that imo needed to happen if we’re going to reach a halfway-decent conclusion for better or worse.  And let’s not make the decision there just yet, though we’re kind of left in a position to anticipate the latter imo.

Clark’s fate? love him or hate him, yeah, he had to go imo, because to me he was a vengeful fly in the ointment who only back-burnered his David-grudge from Chapters 9 to 19 due to lack of sufficient evidence of David being a threat (a terribly useful tool in Farouk’s “bag o’ tricks;” please let us remember how casually Farouk literally flicked him off in the closing scenes of Chapter 18!), and consequently only succeeded in his relentless pursuit and obsession in making a bad situation ten times worse and more complicated in the long run.  I’ve mentioned before that Daniel’s lines in Chapter 20 made the consequences of Clark’s one-track mind perfectly clear, which brings me to Daniel’s fate:  Yeah, this is definitely one to file under “Okay, if you want me to badmouth David, I’ll go with this one; what he did to Daniel was (borrowing from Clueless) way harsh and completely unnecessary and cruel.”  Funny that it happened before he took down Clark, who again did have to be removed if any headway is to be made in any direction imo.  But maybe that’s part of the point being made here:  Okay, fine, go ahead and hate David for savagely taking down Daniel’s mental capacity as collateral damage, if you like.  But in the end, what put him in the line of fire in the first place?  His love for and loyalty to the obsessed (”focused”) Clark.  So could it be possible that, consciously or otherwise, Clark was so focused on taking down David by whatever means necessary that he was willing to put his partner at risk in the process? and doesn’t that make him as bad as David, allowing his obsessions to distract him from and ruin what he holds dear?  Not an excuse, mind, but just a thought.  It’s just that there are so many more of David at this point that it’s easier to spot in his case! LOL!

Which leads me to the next batch of things that happened that needed to imo:  The long-overdue Sydvid talk and Syd’s discovery of David’s alters.  Now regarding the former, this brings me to a tiresome sore point in light of the Chapter 23 gulag scene, namely the “one step forward/two steps back”-type of scenario where David has a much-needed confrontation that reveals his deep-seated pains and struggles beneath his dark persona, but GOTCHA! -- the whole thing turned out to be a trick, and David’s back to his guarded ruthless self as a result.  Still, hopelessly optimistic viewer that I am, I’d like to think some much-needed seeds were planted during the talk:  Even if Syd was deliberately attempting to lull David into letting his guard down (via SK’s Chapter 21 cringe-worthy promise to “teach you to lie so well that he’ll thank you as you stab him in the back”) by saying everything he wanted (and imo needed) to hear.  (Yeah, since David made a point of mentioning how he used to trust her, we’ll see how well he trusts her in future after that stunt!!! 🙄)  I’d like to think that, whatever state she may be in at this point (there’s the possibility that she may not take a literal physical form, but hey, after the whole Lenny S1-S2 Saga, who knows with this show?), she’ll know a lot better than to trust Farouk from now on.  (David was right about that when he said she shouldn’t have trusted him!!!)  I like the fact that she at least admitted that she had been jealous!!!  So at least she came out and stated the obvious; I was pleased about that!

And now that it’s happened, I can go ahead and say it:  Yes, the Sydvid Body Swap, Syd-trick or otherwise, needed to happen, because Syd needed to see what was/is driving David and making him behave the way he has been all this time.  I was shocked as to how quickly it transpired:  I wasn’t expecting it for a few more eps, tbh, and yeah, I was kind of hoping it would end a little more optimistically, with Syd and the Davids eventually talking things over, but depending on wherever Syd is mentally now (in David’s mind? somewhere in the stratosphere? I know that the next ep, which I may miss altogether but follow up on via summaries in the name of continuity, will follow her on the astral plane, so idk, maybe she’s just in a deep coma right now physically), maybe it could still happen with three eps to go? 

Also, on a side note, I liked watching DS’s “Syd-as-David” drag RK’s weakly protesting “David-as-Syd” down the halls muttering, “It’s okay, David! I gotcha!”  Took me awhile to figure out wtf Syd was up to and what she was really trying to pull during the discussion, complete with her tipping her hand about Switch’s whereabouts; I concur with a tweet I read dismissing it as a stupid plan on the part of Syd, quite frankly, thereby minimizing sympathy somewhat imo for her current position.  But I still enjoyed watching that post-swap part for some reason; acting-wise, that had to be a challenge for both DS and RK, so props there!  (And okay, yeah, Syd using David’s powers to blast his knife-wielding followers?  On the one hand, I feel sorry for them, but on the other, I concede with reluctance that it was kind of cool, if for no other reason that I no longer have to listen to them call him “Daddy”!  ROTFL!  Not sure what annoys me more, their calling him “Daddy” or Farouk calling him “My son” or “My baby.”  Let’s put it at a photo finish, shall we?  LOL!)

Okay, on to the Lenny Shocker -- and to me, it was a shocker!  Yet there was a huge dropped ball in this scene that annoyed me:  As Lenny was calling David out on his narcissism, why the heck didn’t he point out that the only reason he was keeping her around and/or she had a body in the first place -- a body destroyed by Syd, accidentally or otherwise, using David’s body and powers, I might add!!! -- was because Farouk destroyed the only tangible family, adopted or otherwise, in order to grant her request for a physical body and freedom?  He would have certainly had grounds to do so, Heaven only knows!  Okay, fine -- not saying that Hawley & Co. had to call up Katie Asleton to get her to film new scenes; a few flashbacks and/or at least the name-drop of Amy would have been good enough for me.  But I’ll give NH credit:  There may have been a case in which he did write such a line in this scene for David, and heck, maybe it was even filmed, only to be cut at the request of the FX execs who argued that it would cause the ep to run too long to ironically run that Twizzlers ad during the commercial breaks.  (Anyone else catch that in the “Lenny Swan Song”-ep with regard to a sponsor choice? that couldn’t have been a coincidence! LOL!)  Perhaps the best part of the scene (at least imo), David shedding visible and genuine tears as Lenny slowly bleeds to death, was supposed to indicate this, that the closest thing he had nearby to remind him of a true family was slipping away from him.  Interesting ref during the Sydvid talk that he later describes this as “abandonment” and equates it with his parents.  I guess that’ll work for now, but I would have liked to at least hear the Amy-ref, since it’s safe to call that moment the turning point in S2, David’s realization of Lenny’s true identity.  JMO.

And while the World Wide Web is crying “There’s no doubt about it, David truly is a villain now!” can we just take a look at Farouk in this ep once and for all and say “Yeah, okay, whatever, but that doesn’t mean that Farouk is good by default!”?  (I know, I know -- two wrongs don’t make a right, as I keep saying, but again, Farouk’s old enough to have a better idea of what he’s doing, and apparently for all his coolness, even he in the end underestimates his competition!) Puppet master, master Chess player (oooh, a Xavier/Magneto ref! LOL!), etc., etc. -- we definitely see Farouk as nothing more than a master manipulator.  Yet he’s not completely successful in his control over D3, and since the D3/Summerland gang has changed so dramatically and frustratingly over the course of this show to the point where I’m not even sure I can root for the Loudermilks anymore (Kerry’s excitement about going to space was kind of fun, though!), I’m not sure whether to be pleased or disappointed in this turn of events and the inevitable parting of the ways.  (Or at least I would hope so; perhaps he’ll use Syd’s apparent condition to his advantage, idk.)  Frankly, I’m coming more and more to the conclusion that there is going to be no true winner at curtain’s end no matter how you slice it; at best, perhaps some parties will come away with a bittersweet sense of closure, and that’ll be about it.

Regarding Farouk’s underestimation of his control over the situation, I liked Switch’s suddenly popping up to help David, but if she’s incarcerated in a hibernation chamber, how the heck did she manage to snap out of it so quickly?  That had a rather deus ex machina-feel to it imo.  I may have missed something, idk; quite possible with this type of a show.  LOL!

And as often happens, I guess I had a little more to say the morning after than I thought I did! 😂

[dontcallmecarrie]

By Myself But Not Alone

Another day, another test, another fic-idea-that-won’t-leave-me-alone. Specifically: time-travel fixits are really fun to see, but there’s a few takes on it that’ve stuck with me throughout the years, across fandoms. Even more specifically: ones where it’s not just one person waking up in the past, but several, and not always in the same place. Add in my weird mood where anything I touch turns to not-crack, plus glimpsing some Infinity Wars spoilers despite not being caught up, and ta-da! [Aka oops, I did it again.]

Heads up for quite a bit of angst, possible shippiness [depends on the version], and unapologetic canon-dropped-the-ball-on-Tony stance.  Title from Metallica’s ‘Wherever I May Roam’.

So, AU where, for whatever reason, people in the MCU after a certain point wake up in the past. 

Kicker being, it’s pretty damn scattershot from there; Steve’s memories kick in when he first sees Times Square after waking up from the ice, Natasha’s mid-mission somewhere in Bangladesh when she realizes some of her fellow operatives are probably. HYDRA and she can’t do a thing about it, Thor’s just seen his brother fall from the Bifrost and he’s alarming his parents because he’s acting even stranger than usual in his grief. Bucky wakes up after falling from the train, sees where he is, and goes “oh hells no” and promptly fucking off to Wakanda because even if they’re mistrustful of outsiders and will be for decades, between what he’s managed to pick up on the language, and his skills, there’s probably something he can do to help out, right? [Between long naps, anyway...or maybe he just goes full-on ninja instead, idk]��Fury’s mid-conversation with Maria Hill in HQ when they both go “oh fuck what year is it” and the list just goes on. 

At first, everyone’s assuming they’re the only ones who traveled back, and they set out to fix things even as they’re reeling because hello, old friend who I haven’t seen in years since your painful death, how are you?

The more time goes on, though, the more everyone realizes they’re not the only ones running around, and the fact that people’re arriving at different points in time means it is a headache. Was AIM running around this early, last time? When the fuck was the Winter Soldier a mercenary and not the fist of HYDRA? What do you mean he’s infamous for his bodyguarding contracts and not assassinations?! Wait, you mean Howard Stark’s still alive?

On the plus side, after a while they realize the time travel thing’s not a one-off. The more time passes, the more people start to remember. [They’ve got a support group going by the time Steve remembers.]

Cue tearful reunions, feat. “oh god I didn’t think I was going to see you again” and “oh thank fuck I’m not the only one”. Everyone who remembers starts to put their heads together, sorting out their timeline to fix things without tripping over each other, to figure out what they can and can’t fix.

It’s not all sunshine and roses, though; Bucky punched Steve after the ‘yeah, I didn’t tell Tony about who actually killed his parents thing’ after it comes up, and he’s not the only one judging him hard afterwards and he resolves to fix it because he really is sorry. But hey, this is a whole new world, one where SHIELD never got corrupted, where the Winter Soldier is just a handle Bucky uses instead of decades’ worth of HYDRA conditioning. In many ways, it’s almost a vacation; seeing and reconnecting with loved ones, especially given the clusterfuck that happened in their original timeline.

...however. This is a whole new world, and that’s not necessarily always a good thing. Like, sure, there’s quite a few things that’re better here, but. 

Thanos is still coming, and due to the butterfly effect, there’s a whole slew of new guys that hadn’t come up in their timeline, like MODOK, like Crimson Widow, grad students they should keep an eye on because this Richards kid was going places and so was his friend, Victor von-something. Stark Industries is still selling weapons by the bucketload, since Howard Stark’s an unapologetic war hawk, has been since the Manhattan Project. But the biggest problem? 

It’s 2008, and Tony Stark has yet to make an appearance. Not in a way that matters, at least, to the people who remember him from another life.

———————

okay, from here I can see this going several ways:

[under the cut because this got long and RIP mobile users otherwise]

the super-angsty break-it-even-more version:

Warning: this one’s got suicidal thoughts leading to Major Character Death. Also, vaguely shippy, with possible Stephen/Tony.

Tony’s last coherent memories are of the bomb with his name on it, when it hits. Suddenly, it’s not just his past flashing before his eyes, but his future as well—years’ worth of memories, of trauma after trauma with next to no support whatsoever because the world did its best to break him—and...in that instant, he’s tired. 

He’s so, so tired, and he sees the road ahead and the idea of having to do that all over again is just. Too much. He knows the agony that follows, and knows that he was lucky to have survived a bomb to the chest last [this?] time, and...even if he’s terrified at the prospect of Thanos coming, he just. Can’t. 

He can’t, anymore, he’d barely managed to pull through last time, asking him to do it all over again was too much—and, seeing the bomb with his literal name on it, Tony sees an out. 

The world’s better off without him in it, anyway.

—

Everyone is shocked and dismayed, when the reports come in. Tony Stark never came back from Afghanistan, and there is a lot of grief to go around, in the time that follows. The world mourns a prodigy; the people that remember Iron Man, remember Tony, mourn a good man who they never really had the chance to meet. 

Fury in particular’s very, very quiet, after hearing the reports come in; he’s lost good people before, but...he’d seen Tony grow up, what with him being the kid of one of the founders of SHIELD and all. He’d seen the potential, seen it realized, seen just what kind of force for good he was—so when he hears the reports come in, he feels every single one of his years weigh down on him in a way they hadn’t before. It takes slightly longer than normal, pull himself together, to focus on how this latest development’d affect things now that they were minus a heavy hitter [in more ways than one].

Steve, meanwhile, is inconsolable. He’d had his regrets, had been working on fixing them, and one the biggest ones had been with Tony. He’d never had the chance to set the record straight, never had the chance to apologize—and now, he never will.  

Tony’s loss ia a huge blow, to those who remember Iron Man. 

Especially the more time goes on, and the impact of what could have done are felt: it’s in the scandal that erupts, when the VP of Stark Industries is caught double-dealing, it’s in the incredibly tense sociopolitical climate that follows because even if they’ve done their best to fix things, nobody’s around to privatize world peace. It’s in the recklessness the new Spider-Man’s actions, after Peter remembers—pushing himself so, so hard, trying to save everyone the same way his mentor once had him.

...it’s also in the questions everyone has, after Thanos rocks up and apart from the Avengers, there’s a goddamn robot army flying out to wage  war because apparently Tony’s AI were a bit more Skynet than anyone had expected. Or, actually, no—more sentient than expected, and wasn’t that a kick in pants, that JARVIS remembered not only his but Vision’s experiences as well, after hearing about Tony’s death?

wait, no. Too angsty, here, have a fixit.

Dr. Stephen Strange wakes up right after his first fight with the followers of Dormammu, and the Ancient One and Mordo are more than slightly worried when he looks like he’s about to cry when he sees them afterwards. Even more worried, once they check for magic, and the following conversation gives them all a migraine because they’re still not quite sure what sent him back in time, and that the Eye of Agamotto seems to have taken a liking to him only complicates things even further.

When he hears of Tony’s death, well...he doesn’t take it well. Specifically, after finding out he’s not the only one who remembers Tony from a different world, there’s a bit of yelling, and him storming out afterwards in grief.

To sum up: his emotional state after getting wind of it’s more volatile than anything else, which, as it turns out, makes for some interesting results when you’re the Time Stone’s favorite person. 

Specifically, Stephen opened a portal intending to go the Sanctum to mourn in privacy, how the fuck he ended up in the middle of a desert, he doesn’t know. How the fuck he ended up right by the same outcropping as Tony did the moment the bomb landed not ten feet from them, he doesn’t know but isn’t about to question. He just sees Tony’s face—fear shifting to shock shifting to remembering shifting to despair—realizes what’s about to happen, and grabs Tony as he immediately makes a portal back to the Sanctum. 

Cue even more headaches. The Ancient One, Mordo, and Wong are not amused by how fast and loose they’ve been messing with the timestream, and that the Eye is showing blatant favoritism doesn’t help. At all. 

On the plus side,  they’re also able to table that in favor of helping the shell-shocked guy who’s like a breeze from having a nervous breakdown. Cue therapy. Lots of therapy. Also, the ‘oops we accidentally faked your death’ reveal, what with the time travel thing, which then leads to some reunions because Tony could go a lifetime without seeing Steve again but he hasn’t heard JARVIS in years. 

...is this a shatterpoint of  a fic idea? Can’t tell anymore.

The more-bittersweet-than-anything-else version:

also slightly shippy, only it’s Steve/Tony here instead.

Everyone remembers. Everyone, but Tony.

They keep as close an eye on him as they can, given that JARVIS’ pretty paranoid about hacking and they’d have to go through Pepper to actually see. him. But they manage, even if it’s pretty tricky before Afghanistan.

Fury’s the  most straightforward; he’s shameless  about  using his connections to get an excuse to see how Tony’s doing, and Tony remembers seeing him around the mansion with Howard as a kid often enough to let it slide. [Especially  since SHIELD’s also buying quite a few guns for their personnel, there’s that, too.] 

After Afghanistan, the rest of them start to trickle in, similar to canon. 

Here, however, the dynamics are a lot kinder, a lot less terse. No thinly-veiled threats, no blackmail; when Tony returns after his ‘I Am Iron Man’ press conference, it’s because JARVIS remembers and Fury managed to convince him that he’s genuinely trying to do better this tine. Howard’s notes and old stuff get shipped over as soon as Phil Coulson can come with an excuse for it, because palladium poisoning is just...no. 

...you get the idea. Canon ensues, and Tony’s doing his thing, kicking ass, taking names, and trying to make the world a better place. Except here, everyone who remembers is seeing him in a way they hadn’t really, before, and treating him differently because of it. 

Tony picks up on it pretty fast—kinda hard not to, considering everything.  There’s an element of regret he sees some people, sometimes, but he doesn’t know why and it is baffling. Not only that, but...it’s almost like they know him? Almost like they can see pasts his masks? Weird.

Meanwhile everyone else’s low-key expecting Tony to remember any day no, but no dice. Kind of a bummer. Oh, sure, Pepper and Rhodey’ll give him all the hugs regardless, but still. Also, Steve wants to get some things off his. chest, and this Tony’s both so similar and so different to his, it’s almost painful.

Time goes on, canon ensues, only this time, a lot of missed opportunities are taken. 

Bruce sees the way Tony tentatively reaches out and listens, Steve calls him  when he gives him his number, Thor returns earlier, and the list just goes on. [...aka all the self-indulgence. All of it.] There’s a lot of impromptu hugs that Tony’s still very confused by, and strange looks, but...these people care, for some reason. It’s weird, but...he likes it. 

More and more people show up,  and it’s the same thing: he clicks with Strange almost as fast as he did with Bruce, although Peter’s hero-worship is still something that takes a while to get used to. 

Even if he sometimes feels like they’re seeing someone else when they look at him, but that can’t be right, can it? Well, fortunately that feeling goes away after a while, but still. It was weird while it lasted.

Tony doesn't remember because of Reasons. Maybe he repressed said memories because of the trauma, maybe that part of him was just too tired to make the trip, idk, you decide.

[sagexbrush]

keep your head up (i’ll lay my heart down)

or read it on a03

From: Unknown Number 

[9:30 AM]

hey so do u maybe want to talk about tonite?  

To: Unknown Number

[9:31 AM]

I think you have the wrong number.

From: Unknown Number

[9:32 AM]

wait so you’re saying this isn’t kayla?

To Unknown Number

[9:33 AM]

No, this isn’t Kayla. Looks like someone gave you the wrong number.

“Is Amy texting someone?” Gina asks loudly, peering over Amy’s shoulder.  She always has a habit of popping up in the most unexpected places. 

Amy jumps about a foot in the air and promptly shuts her phone in the nearest possible drawer. 

“On her personal phone?” Gina adds, helpfully. The personal phone was something that Gina and the others never ceased teasing her about. At first, they’d thought Amy was hiding something from them until she told them the reasoning behind it. 

She had gotten the advice from her first ever Sergeant. 

“You ever want to survive this place?” The older woman had said, “then keep two phones. That way you know if it’s a personal emergency or a work emergency.”

Amy considers that woman (wherever she may be) to be her first ever mentor, so of course she had two phones. That way she could also keep her work line clear for a real emergency. Except that her coworkers seemed to think it was hilarious to send gifs of kittens in the group chat instead of actual crime info (thanks so much Jake).

“It was just someone who had the wrong number,” Amy says quickly, before she can really think about it. 

“Oh Amy,” Gina says, shaking her head slowly. “You say that like it was supposed to make it sound better.” 

Amy makes a face at her. 

That’s when Jake approaches them. He doesn’t have the perp he was chasing down with him, so Amy assumes that his bust didn’t go quite as perfectly as he’d bragged. He’s holding his (solitary) phone and frowning down at it. “What are we talking about?” 

“Amy’s pathetic life,” Gina supplies helpfully. 

“It is not pathetic - “ Amy protests but Jake merely nods like this is a factual statement. “I can’t stand any of you people,” she says, spinning her desk chair around. 

“Gina I think you gave me the wrong number, are you sure this is what - “ 

“Jake, I am not your personal assistant.” 

She doesn’t check her personal phone until later that night. Really, maybe Gina is right. Amy is pathetic. She has a phone for work and a personal phone, and half the time she forgets that the personal phone exists. The wrong number text had been a surprise, for god’s sake. It was perhaps time to resort out her priorities. 

There’s only two messages: one is a text reminder from her doctor’s office and the other one if from the unknown number from earlier.

From: Unknown Number

[9:34 AM]

no no, i wasn’t trying to hit on kayla. kayla is my dad’s gf and she was supposed to tell me when he’s next flying thru.

Amy shouldn’t text back. Pathetic, Gina’s voice says in her mind. 

Ha, Amy thinks back. I’ll show you. I can have a conversation with someone outside of work that’s not family or Kylie. 

To: Unknown Number

[8:02 PM]

Sorry for assuming things. Sorry about Kayla. Sounds rough.

From: Unknown Number

[8:10 PM]

ah no you’re good. for the record tho, the ladies love me. 

To: Unknown Number

[8:11 PM]

Have you ever heard of humility?

From: Unknown Number

  [8:17 PM] 

only nerds know big words like humility

To: Unknown Number

[8:20 PM] 

That’s not even a big word.

From: Unknown Number

[8:22 PM]

send me a big word 

To: Unknown Number

[8:24 PM]

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

From: Unknown Number

[8:30 PM]

i see what u did there.

One failed case and a day later: Amy feels like throwing something at a wall. Or maybe something out a window. Or herself out that window. Or Jake. Yes, that’ll do. She’ll throw Jake out a window. 

“Do you want something Peralta?” She snaps, when she notices Jake is staring at her instead of filling out his arrest report. His successful arrest report, because of course he was successful today. (She’s conveniently forgotten about his failure yesterday.) 

“Only to ask if I should evacuate the premises because you look like you’re about to melt something with your laser eyes.” He’s clearly trying to be funny, his mouth quirked up in that infuriating smirk. Even his posture speaks of relaxation, leaned back with his shoulders slumped. Lucky him.

“Oh shut up,” Amy snaps. It’s harsher than she usually is with Jake and he recoils slightly in surprise. She allows herself to feel exactly two seconds of guilt and then refocuses on the task at hand. She can do this. She’s a Santiago, after all. 

Her concentration lasts for about three more seconds until her phone buzzes. 

From: Unknown Number

  [1:42 PM]

i realize this is a weird question to ask bc we’re not really friends but r u a girl? 

From: Unknown Number

  [1:42 PM]

not in a creepy way. i need advice on a girl situation and all my other girl friends know too much.

Amy looks up. Rosa and Charles are out on a stakeout, Holt is securely in his office, Terry is filling out his paperwork and Jake is texting someone on his phone. Surely no one would mind if she did some texting of her own. Jake wasn’t the only one could bend the rules. 

It’s with a sort of defiance that she continues their conversation. 

From: Unknown Number

[1:43 PM]

if it makes it seem less creepy, ur name is mary poppins in my phone.

To: Unknown Number

[1:44 PM]

You saved my number?

From: Unknown Number

[1:44 PM]

i promise i’m not a creeper you just seemed like a nice person to talk to

Amy hesitates, before adding his number as a contact into her phone. She looks for a moment at his real number…it almost looks familiar? She brushes that notion aside, it’s not like she knows that many people’s numbers. She’s barely memorized her mother’s. 

Besides, she was a cop. If this person tried to pull anything with her…well he’d find out the consequences the hard way. Amy Santiago wasn’t someone who could be messed with. 

To: Creeper?

[1:46 PM]

Okay. Shoot me your question.

From: Creeper?

[1:46 PM]

this girl i like is really upset today and i’m just making it worse. what should i do?

Ah, just Amy’s luck. The only boy who’s been even remotely talking to her out of work likes someone else. She changes his contact name almost immediately to something more fitting the circumstances

. If this was a romantic comedy, Amy would be the quirky one that both of the love interests loved as a friend.

(The character that usually ended up alone.) 

(AKA, story of her life.)

To: Lover Boy

[1:48 PM]

Ask her what’s wrong once she’s cooled off a bit. If it’s something you can help with, help her with it. If not, just give her some space. 

She shuts her phone in her desk drawer after that. She takes a few deep breaths while massaging her temples. The case file in front of her looks like absolute gibberish and that’s not even considering the fact that the perp got away. That she practically let him get away with her sloppy detective work. She goes to get another cup of coffee, even though it’s probably a bad idea at this point. It’s something warm to hold, at least. She couldn’t imagine the level of teasing that would ensue if she started drinking hot chocolate on the job. 

“Hey Santiago?” Jake looks a little less relaxed than before, but that infuriating smirk is never truly gone. She’s only seen him angry once, and that was when a police officer was trying to help his friend escape persecution. (She had been surprised to see that he did, in fact, have a range of emotions.) 

“My lasers have been deactivated,” she mumbles. “In case you were wondering, you don’t need to evacuate.”

“I was actually just going to ask if you need any help? Not that you’re not a perfectly capable detective, but a fresh pair of eyes might be of assistance?”

She’s too frustrated to note his adult vocabulary, instead disturbed by how much this appeals to her. It’s not a bad idea. It feels almost insulting to accept Jake’s help but… well for once he didn’t look like he was rubbing it in her face. He almost looked like he genuinely wanted to help. His entire posture is open, eyes almost sparkling a little bit. 

(Maybe she needs five more cups of coffee. With shots.) 

  “Sure,” she says, handing him the case file. “I had a lead on him this morning, but he got away. Now I have no idea where he could be hiding out.”

“It says here his favorite restaurant is the burger place by that seedy gas station?” Jake frowns. “How did you get that information?”

“Ex-girlfriend,” Amy says. “I asked the staff and they hadn’t seen him for several months. He’s been on to us at every turn.”

“Doesn’t mean that it still can’t be a good place to start,” Jake says, standing up. “Besides, you can buy me dinner after I solve your case.” It’s accompanied by a blinding smile, which Amy can’t help but return. 

“Oh in your dreams Peralta,” Amy rolls her eyes. “Just because I’m letting you ‘help me out’ doesn’t mean you get to take all the credit for the literal months of work I’ve put down.” 

Two hours they find the perp in a gas station near the burger place almost entirely by accident. He doesn’t get away again because Jake is blocking the other exit, slamming him down into the ground and grinning up at her.

“Looks like you owe me dinner,” he says, as he fastens the handcuffs about the perp’s wrists. 

Sometimes she forgets that police work is intended to have two people at all times. (That, and sometimes she forgets just how good of a cop Jake is.) 

She forgets to check her phone until she’s almost about to go to bed, head aching with exhaustion from the day. 

From: Lover Boy

[2:05 PM]

it worked. thx.

To: Lover Boy

[10:13 PM]

You’re welcome. Did you ask her out?

From: Lover Boy

[10:15 PM]

its kind of complicated bc i like her a lot but she hates me? idk. 

To: Lover Boy

[10:16 PM]

I doubt she hates you. You can’t always predict what people are thinking. Maybe she’s just pretending to hate you. 

From: Lover Boy

[10:17 PM]

maybe. 

To: Lover Boy

[10:18 PM]

I’m not going to get arrested for talking to you, am I? 

From: Lover Boy

[10:19 PM]

not unless ur committing a crime. 

From: Lover Boy

[10:20 PM]

im realizing now u meant other things. i’m thirty three. 

To: Lover Boy

[10:21 PM] 

I’m twenty-nine.

To: Lover Boy

[10:25 PM]

I was thinking, if you wanted of course… I could help you with this relationship with this girl? You don’t need to tell me any personal information or anything, I could just give you advice. If you wanted it.

From: Lover Boy

[10:27 PM]

your contact name has officially been changed to fairy godmother.

To: Lover Boy

[10:28 PM] 

Ha ha. You can tell my more about this dream girl tomorrow, then. I have to be at work early. 

From: Lover Boy

[10:29 PM] 

gnite fairy godmother

“Oh wow,” Gina says. “The personal phone is out on the desk today. Does that mean you’re waiting for a gentlemen caller?” She’s leaning against Amy’s desk and Amy is really trying to focus on this paperwork. She just needs Jake’s signature now. 

“Maybe,” Amy says, trying for elusiveness. 

“Oh honey,” Gina says. “Nice try.”

“Whatever,” Amy says. “It doesn’t matter. Don’t you have work to do?”

“Oh but this is so much more interesting,” Gina says. “Why don’t you let me try and set you up with someone again?”

“Last time you tried to set me up it was a nightmare,” Amy says. “My dating life is just fine, thank you very much.” 

Really, her dating life consists of binge watching Netflix TV shows and sad dates that her mother sets up for her. Gina can’t know that. Neither can Jake, who’s leaning across his desk to listen in on this conversation. 

“Are you waiting for a text from a boy?” he asks.

“Oh my god,” Amy says, cheeks burning. She slams the phone in her drawer. “Happy?” 

Gina saunters off. Jake scoops up his car keys and turns for the door. 

“Before you go,” Amy says, determinedly not looking at him, “I need you to sign this.”

He signs it way more quickly than she would have done, but he doesn’t leave right away. He lingers, his presence almost more of a sound than a sight. 

“Hey,” he says suddenly. Amy looks up. “I didn’t mean to - I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable.”

“Well great job,” Amy says in that sweet voice she reserves for true annoyance. This time the guilt lingers for slightly longer and then, “Sorry. I just don’t like how my dating life is a constant source of amusement for everyone.”

“I wouldn’t say constant,” Jake says, winking. “Just occasionally. Charles? You ready?”

She’s still glowering at her computer when she hears her phone buzz inside her desk drawer. She waits until Gina is securely in the break room to text anything back. 

From: Lover Boy 

[11:15 AM]

how do u tell if a girl is really annoyed or she’s fake annoyed

To: Lover Boy

[11:25 AM] 

Context clues, I guess. Were you teasing her about something she’s self conscious about?

“Loveeeeer boy?” Gina croons, appearing from seemingly nowhere. Amy jumps about a foot in the air.

“Have you heard of such a thing as privacy?” Amy hisses. 

“There’s no such thing as privacy when you’re holding your phone like that,” Gina says. “You’re practically asking for someone to look over your shoulder. Who’s Lover Boy, huh?” 

In hindsight, maybe Amy should have picked a different name for this mysterious man she’s been texting. Then again, it came with it’s side benefits. 

This next moment is one of the most satisfying moments of Amy’s entire career. 

“None of your business,” she tells Gina, and shuts the phone back into the drawer.

She waits until she’s off of work to look at her personal phone (mostly to rub it in Gina’s face when she can’t get anymore gossip than she needs) and spends as long as possible reviewing her brother’s latest message about his daughter’s preschool project before she goes back to their conversation. To show herself that she’s not attached to the situation, nope. Not at all. 

From: Lover Boy

[11:30 AM]

well she’s kind of self conscious about herself w/ other ppl sometimes. our colleagues tease her a lot and i kind of jumped on board w/ it sometimes.

You and me both, Amy thought. Turns out she had more in common with Lover Boy’s girl than she thought. 

From: Lover Boy

[2:30 PM]

according to my friend she’s apparently seeing someone else now

To: Lover Boy

[6:32 PM] 

Who?

From: Lover Boy

[6:33 PM] 

idk. she won’t tell us. we’ve teased her about past bfs.

To: Lover Boy

[6:34 PM]

Does she ever tease you back? Seem to enjoy your interactions?

From: Lover Boy

[9:45 PM]

srry i was drowning my sorrows. or am? the night is still young.

To: Lover Boy

[9:50 PM] 

Wow, giving up that soon?

From: Lover Boy

[9:51 PM]

no no no. ive liked thsi girl since like what feels like forever

From: Lover Boy

[9:51 PM]

i mean she’s like perfect. u know? smart and funny and pretty

To: Lover Boy

[9:52 PM] 

Then why are you getting drunk right now?

From: Lover Boy

[9:52 PM]

bc shes dating someone else again

To: Lover Boy

[9:53 PM]

Again?

From: Lover Boy

[9:54 PM]

ppl r always trying to set her up w/ some boy. idk y, but now ive missed my shot

Amy’s curled up on her couch with Harry Potter playing in the background and feels less lonely for whatever reason. It’s nice to feel like there’s someone else out there that could be completely failing in the romance department. 

For whatever reason, she really wants Lover Boy to succeed. Every rational thought is telling her that growing weirdly attached to some boy through text message is a stupid thing to do, but at the same time she couldn’t imagine giving up the easiness that’s sprung between them. It’s simpler than any friendship she’s had before. 

To: Lover Boy

[9:57 PM]

You don’t know that yet. There’s always a chance, and you can’t give up just yet. Tomorrow you should tell me more about her, when you’re sober. 

She goes to bed at a reasonable time, but it still takes two alarm clocks to wake her up. She has five drunk texts from Jake on her work phone which she ignores, and instead focuses on the personal phone.

From: Lover Boy

[1:30 AM]

okay did i tell you that she smells like dreams

From: Lover Boy

[1:30 AM]

dreAMS mySTERY INTERNET WOMAN

From: Lover Boy

[1:45 AM]

she also is like rlly funny. did i say that? nobody else thinks shes funny but i could listen to her talk all day long

From: Lover Boy

[2:30 AM] 

do u know how to delete messages from someone elses phone?

To: Lover Boy

[6:45 AM]

What did you send her?

She barely scans through the texts from Jake (something about smelling meadows? What was it with boys and their noses?) before she texts him back. 

To: Jake Peralta

[6:50 AM]

You sure you can handle coming into work? Need me to take over your cases?

She’s feeling overwhelmingly cheerful today. One, true love is possible (look at Lover Boy and the girl that was like her) and she was going to get to watch Jake Peralta with an extreme hangover all day.

She makes a strong cup of coffee and settles in to watch the morning news.

From: Jake Peralta

[7:35 AM] 

dont b ridiculous santiago in ur dreams

She rolls her eyes and begins to plot all the ways she’s going to make his hangover life miserable today. It involves loud noises, revolting smells, and a particularly irritating case that she thinks she can get Holt to make him work with her on.

Although, she has to admit that she’s impressed he’s awake this early. Maybe he hadn’t slept at all? 

Her personal phone buzzes. Finally, something she’s interested in. 

From: Lover Boy

[7:36 AM]

false alarm, she didnt read into it

To: Lover Boy

[7:38 AM]

I wouldn’t worry about. My colleague drunk texts me all the time. Including last night.

From: Lover Boy

[7:39 AM]

hav to sympathize w/ him i feel like death. were his drunk texts as good as mine?

To: Lover Boy

[7:39 AM]

No. He’s just an idiot, really. Probably will roll into work half an hour late because he was sleeping with some random person from the bar. He always does this. I just wish he’d stop sometimes and give me a break really. 

From: Lover Boy

[7:40 AM]

why do you care so much

Amy freezes. She’s too distracted to even notice that he didn’t use those childish abbreviations for once, her heart stopping in her chest. He’s absolutely right of course: why does she care? She does, in some weird part of herself that she hasn’t examined before. 

She really, really cares that Jake was probably out having a one night stand the night before.

From: Lover Boy

[7:43 AM]

srry if that was too forward. hangover

From: Lover Boy

[7:47 AM]

w/ this girl i like, i kept trying to deny it over and over again. it took me years to figure it out bc emotions are confusing and i still dont know what she means to me. so if ur going thru a crisis im here.

(Texting back feels like an acknowledgment, so she ignores it.) 

She is almost late to work, breezing in about the same time as Jake. He, predictably, looks like death. Which she doesn’t care about. She doesn’t care that the shadows under his eyes look as if they could swallow him whole, doesn’t care that his hands appear to be shaking slightly and for once he looks nervous. 

“Amy,” he says, before they can leave the parking garage. Why did they have to arrive at the same time, today of all days?

Not that it mattered.

Lover boy doesn’t know me.

“Yeah?”

“I was hoping you could give me some advice,” Jake says, scratching the back of his head. “You know. Because you’re wise and all that.” 

“What kind of advice?” 

“How to talk to someone advice. I think I said something wrong this morning, but I like talking to this person, and I don’t want to screw everything up -”

Amy bristles. She was sure he had probably said something wrong to whatever person’s bed he had rolled out of this morning. Well, she wasn’t about to be apart of it. Not that she cared. Amy Santiago didn’t care. 

“Look Peralta,” she snaps, “I’m not about to start mixing our personal and work lives because you screwed up with someone you met when you were drunk off your mind. And also? Stop drunk texting me. It’s not cute. I’m sure you did say something wrong, so maybe you should just apologize instead of talking to other people about it.” 

She stomps off, not even registering what she’s done until they’re in the morning briefing and Jake still isn’t there. 

“Has anyone seen Peralta?” Holt asks. Amy’s about to say that she has seen him when he stumbles in. He looks almost no different from this morning, but weirdly…damp?

“What happened to you?” Rosa demands.

“Splashed some water on my face,” he mumbles. “You know. Reopen the senses.”

“And you needed to soak your hair because…?”

“I was really tired, okay?”

“Enough,” Holt barks. “We will get back to the matter at hand…”

Amy approaches Jake approximately three hours later, when she feels like she can’t stand it anymore. She had been unfair, she knew she had. She was just…upset. For whatever reason. A reason totally unrelated to whether or not she cared. (Of course.) 

“Jake,” she says. He looks surprised and she reminds herself that she should probably use his real name more often. “Look, about earlier…”

“I get it,” he says. “Sorry. About overstepping personal and work. I just didn’t realize I was working with two Rosas.” 

“I’m sorry,” Amy says again. “I just had a rough morning. I took it out on you.”

Jake smiles at her. “You’re forgiven,” he says. “Now, can you go and be loud somewhere else? My head feels like it’s filled with nails.”

(She makes sure to drop a stapler onto the floor less than five minutes later. Just because he’s made her feel guilty didn’t mean she couldn’t have a little fun too.) 

From: Lover Boy

[8:15 AM]

idk what i messed up but shes rlly mad at me. drunk texts apparently a bigger deal than i thought. and i rlly didnt mean to offend u earlier, im sorry. 

From: Lover Boy

[12:10 PM]

jk. we’re golden fairy godmother. false alarm. but i rlly hope you can forgive me for what i said earlier, it was crossing a line. 

“Who’re you texting?” Jake asks. 

Amy looks up at him. It’s rare that they take their lunch breaks together, but their schedules synched up and now she has a closer proximity to Jake than she thinks she wants to. From this close, she can see each line around his eyes that radiates when he smiles. She likes his smile, but that’s more about his mouth than him. 

Lover Boy was ridiculous, she thought. Ridiculous. She didn’t like Jake Peralta. 

“A mysterious fellow,” Amy says.

Jake raises an eyebrow. “More mysterious than the dude with the mesh underpants?”

“How did you hear about that?” Amy demands. “I told Gina that in confidence.” 

“Hey - I’m just proud of you Santiago. It turns out you’re more exciting that I thought you were.”

“Title of my sex tape!” Amy says. “HA! You can’t take back that now!” 

Jake bursts into laughter and Amy thinks about how she likes how it shapes his eyes and mouth. About how she likes how it shakes through his entire frame and makes her stomach feel all warm and fuzzy. About how maybe she hopes that she could do something that would make him laugh like that again. Anything to make him laugh like that again.

Oh shit. 

To: Lover Boy

[7:15 PM]

Okay, so earlier you may have had a point. 

From: Lover Boy

[7:18 PM]

welcome to my personal hell

From: Lover Boy

[7:20 PM]

but maybe we can help each other? w/ this romantic hell i mean

To: Lover Boy

[7:22 PM]

That sounds like a good plan. Although I’m still not sure if this is anything. It might just be because you planted that idea in my head. I need to sleep on it. 

Knowing that she likes Jake is like knowing there’s a ticking bomb in the room. One, he thinks she’s dating Lover Boy (as does everyone else in the precinct) and two, he’s an idiot. How could she like him? This was not an Amy Santiago thing to do. Liking Jake Peralta wasn’t an Amy Santiago specialty.

Of course, Holt it sending them on an overnight stakeout together. Of course. It’s as if the universe decides the most proper way to make fun of her is to shove her into Jake’s face at every ample opportunity. 

To: Lover Boy

[9:30 AM]

We’re going to be spending an extended amount of time together for our job. Help.

From: Lover Boy

[9:31 AM]

tell me about it sis. i swear, my boss is out to kill me. like we often work together but this is a more personal thing…

To: Lover Boy

[9:32 AM]

Same here. Honestly. How do you think I should act around him?

From: Lover Boy

[9:33 AM]

be urself but w/ a dash of flirting

Hours later they’re sitting in the car and Amy can feel the ringing silence between them like it’s a real, tangible thing. How did you cross this bridge? The bomb is ticking louder. Amy is really, really terrible at keeping a secret. 

“So,” Jake says. “How are you and Lover Boy?”

Yes. First order of business. To clear up whatever Jake thought was happening between her and the mysterious ‘Lover Boy’.

“Will you please not tell Gina this?” Amy asks.

“Uh-oh.”

“I’m serious. I want to see you nod. Okay. I was never really dating Lover Boy. It’s just a name I gave this dude as an inside joke. Seriously. There’s nothing between us.” 

It was the easiest explanation anyways. It doesn’t even really feel like a lie. Sure, Lover Boy doesn’t know what his contact name is, but Amy doesn’t think he’d mind anyways. 

“Oh,” Jake says. “I won’t tell Gina.”

“She would have a field day with it,” Amy says. Her personal phone buzzes.

“Oh wow,” Jake says, slipping his phone into pocket. “Taking the personal phone on a work date? I mean stake out? I mean occasion?”

“Why are you being weird?” Amy asks, rolling her eyes. “And yes. This is the number my mother contacts me at.”

Jake laughs, and Amy likes the sound too much to care that it’s directed at her own expense. 

From: Lover Boy

[8:45 PM]

SHE SAID THAT SHE’S NOT DATING ANYONE

To: Lover Boy

[8:46 PM]

Be yourself with a dash of flirting. ;)

From: Lover Boy

[8:47 PM] 

was that a winky face?

Amy smiles and puts her phone away. Okay. Time to get her flirt…on? She tucks her hair behind her ears and turns to Jake. She could do this. Flirting she meant. Flirting was something that she, as a grown badass woman, could do. 

Liking Jake wasn’t something she could put in a list. She couldn’t make a list of all the things she’d say to him because he was simply Jake. He refused to be contained in a list like all of the other boys she’d had a thing for. (Maybe that was a hint of something more.)

He smiles back at her. “Why do you look so happy?”

“I don’t know,” she says, a bit too loudly. “Don’t you love stake outs? And hanging out with people? Friends?”

“Amy,” he says.

“Sorry I’m being weird,” she rambles.

“Amy - “

“I just don’t know how to say - “

“Amy,” Jake hisses, “It’s our guy.” 

To: Lover Boy

[11:27 PM]

That was a fiasco.

From: Lover Boy

[11:28 PM]

omg tell me abt it. maybe were doomed to be alone.

To: Lover Boy

[11:29 PM]

I don’t know. Maybe I overthought this and I don’t like him after all. You kind of planted that idea in my head.

From: Lover Boy

[11:30 PM]

well, what do u like abt him?

To: Lover Boy

[11:31 PM]

He makes me laugh. He’s actually a really good guy.  I really, really like the way he laughs. I don’t know to explain it. With everyone else it’s like they fit in this nice little box, but he exceeds all my expectations. I don’t know, I just came to this realization yesterday. 

From: Lover Boy

[11:32 PM]

i think you just answered ur own question, o wise one.

To: Lover Boy

[11:33 PM]

What went wrong on your end?

From: Lover Boy

[11:36 PM]

our job got in the way of us hanging out. plus i think she was trying to tell me something and i had to be a good person and do my job damn it

To: Lover Boy

[11:40 PM]

Sometimes that’s the best thing. You could always reach out to her. 

From: Lover Boy

[11:41 PM]

maybe. i think she’s asleep.

Amy’s about to turn in herself, but her work phone buzzes.

From: Jake Peralta

[11:42 PM]

i liked hanging out with you santiago.

Amy falls asleep smiling. 

(She forgets to tell Lover Boy about the text.)

“Santiago!” Jake’s third jelly bean gets her attention, mostly because this one hits her straight in the forehead. She’s trying to avoid him while she tries (and fails) to come up with a way to say, hey by the way I really like your face and your body and your hands okay? If she was Jake, she’d probably just say something like romantic stylez and make sure that the Z was plain and clear. 

“Seriously, Jake?” 

Before he can answer that question, Gina comes between them with the worst timing ever. 

“Amy - I have someone to set you up with!” 

Amy glances up. “What? I thought I told you I didn’t want to do anymore of your pity dates.”

She had confessed to Gina that she hadn’t been dating anyone named Lover Boy, and she had been unbearable ever since. Just because Amy wasn’t dating anyone, didn’t mean that she didn’t want to. 

“You don’t need to tell me you need it,” Gina says. “I know.” 

“If I do this, will you get off my back?” Amy asks. “Like for real Gina. I’m tired of you being on my case.” 

“That was a great detective pun, I’m very proud of you,” Jake says. He’s watching their entire exchange with the typical Jake Peralta attention span. Which means that he’s currently trying to build a small tower of jelly beans and barely listening to anything else. 

“Do you think I should go on this date?” Amy asks him. She isn’t sure why she’s asking him. What does she want from that? Him to say no? (Yes, her traitorous brain answers. Maybe Amy Santiago has a deeply romantic side after all.) 

“Do what you want,” Jake shrugs. Amy feels something like bitterness curling into her stomach. That’s stupid she thinks. You shouldn’t feel anything at all, she thinks. It’s not like Jake knows or anything. It’s not like he has any right regardless to tell her who she should and shouldn’t date. 

What a stupid question for her to ask. 

“Fine,” she tells Gina. “I accept your date.”

She’s going to put her all into this date, even though it’s the last thing she wants to do. That means heels and that dress Kylie swears makes her figure look like a hundred bucks. It means making her hair look like a goddamn cascading waterfall. 

To: Lover Boy

[7:20 PM]

I may have made a mistake.

From: Lover Boy

[7:23 PM]

oh my god me too. shes going on a date and i acted like i was okay with it! who am i

To: Lover Boy

[7:24 PM]

Well I actually am going on a date and he actually didn’t care that I was going on a date at all. So I can tell you right now that’s not the right approach. It sucks. 

From: Lover Boy

[7:25 PM]

do u think its worth the risk of just telling her how i feel. i dont even know if she likes romantic revelations

To: Lover Boy

[7:26 PM]

Probably. You seem like you love her a lot, and she’d be crazy not to love you back. Go get her. (And it’s hard to imagine anyone who doesn’t like romantic revelations.) Besides, if you truly fail there’s always alcohol. 

If only Lover Boy was in love with her, she thought wistfully for a moment. She couldn’t help but wonder what it felt to be loved like that. Whoever this girl was, she was lucky. She hoped that she realized that too. 

She’s going to be twenty minutes early but decides it’s ultimately worth it. It’s better than staring at her phone and waiting to see if everyone else had a happy romantic ending without her. What was next, her ‘single as a Pringle’ brother declaring that he was going to actually settle down? 

Maybe she and whoever Gina had set her up with could go on a double date with Lover Boy and his girl. She locks her apartment door tightly behind her before stalking out with purpose. Jake Peralta aside, she was going to have nice time. 

From: Lover Boy

[8:12 PM]

i missed her. shes already on this stupid date and idk where it is

From: Lover Boy

[8:13 PM]

like sorry to rant but also not sorry bc she’s absolutely my dream girl and now ive missed her forever and goddamn it. bc im sure whoever her date is will see that too.

Turns out, a nice time isn’t entirely possible. Amy’s in the bathroom, trying to escape her incredibly awkward date. Apparently Gina thought that just because Amy was a nerd that she’d be into…well… the sort of nerd that generally needed to move out of their mother’s basement. The kind of nerd that needs to learn how to take a shower. 

She’s frustrated. She feels like screaming because she wishes that she had been going on a date with Jake and doesn’t understand why. Or maybe she understands too much why. 

He’s her partner. She’s known him for years. She doesn’t need to worry if he’s hiding some weird secret from her because she knows almost everything about him. She knows more about his life than some of her brothers. She knows his favorite movie, how many books he’s read, what he likes to do to relax and the face he makes when he’s not. 

How could you know someone that well and still like them?

To: Lover Boy

[8:14 PM]

How do you know she’s your dream girl?

From: Lover Boy

[8:20 PM]

she’s smart and not afraid to back down from a challenge. shes such a dork and literally even the way she scrunches her nose is cute i swear. usually i tune out whenever someone starts to talk about books but literally i could listen to her talk all day and i dont understand y. she keeps me on my toes. i know like everything about her. 

To: Lover Boy

[8:21 PM]

It sounds like that should be pretty obvious.

From: Lover Boy

[8:23 PM]

my friend rosa says its a miracle nobody else knows yet. apparently i am v obvious.

Amy’s plotting on how to escape from the restaurant but freezes. Rosa? Her brain begins to make a frantic connection that she can’t quite comprehend. 

Don’t be ridiculous, she tells herself. Lots of people have friends named Rosa. It’s not like it’s a weird name. 

To: Lover Boy

[8:25 PM] 

You never said what you did. Maybe it’s the stress of the job that’s throwing her off?

From: Lover Boy

[8:26 PM]

im a detective

Oh god, she thought to herself. Oh. My. God. It was Jake. Lover Boy was Jake Peralta. It had to be. How many detectives were there that had friends with the name Rosa? That, and all the times she’d texted Lover Boy and seen Jake pull out his phone - 

She pulls out her work phone and clicks on Jake’s contact, pulling up his phone number and comparing the two. They’re exactly the same. 

“Oh shit,” she whispers to herself. “Oh my god. I am the worst detective.” And seriously, fuck the two phone rule. That is probably the stupidest thing she’s ever done. 

Embarrassingly, she began to cry. Well, this was the end of her stupid crush on Jake Peralta. He was obviously desperately in love with someone from the precinct: maybe one of the cops from downstairs? It wasn’t like she paid attention to Jake all the time. 

Of course it was never going to be her. Why would it be? 

From: Lover Boy

[8:27 PM]

do u think i should try again w/ her?

Amy hastily wipes away a tear. If there’s one thing she’s proud of, it’s her stellar moral compass. First, she changes his contact name. Then she rewrites the knowledge of this in her brain and promises herself that she can leave this restaurant with dignity.

If liking Jake Peralta wasn’t apart of the Amy Santiago Brand, getting her heart so brutally destroyed by him certainly seemed to be. 

To: Jake Peralta

[8:30 PM]

You should go for it. You deserve to be happy. 

She means this of course. She’d always scoffed at this in movies: just tell him how you feel! In the end, it’s not that simple. It’s not worth complicating a good friendship because she might love (like her brain frantically corrects) him. 

She ditches her date and doesn’t even feel guilty about it. Sue her. She’s heartbroken, she thinks. She deserves to treat herself. Instead she grabs a cup of her favorite hot chocolate from the cafe on the corner and plans on tucking into her bed with her favorite Harry Potter book.

She’s even gotten to the point where she’s kicked off her heels and is holding them by their straps. She’s pretty sure her mascara is smeared all across her cheeks and her hair is tangled but who cared? She was being self pitying. Even the barista had given her a discount when she’d seen her approaching.

“Rough night?” She’d asked and Amy had nodded. A rougher night than anyone had intended, really. 

She thinks at first the person sitting outside her door is Kylie. It takes her a few seconds to realize that it’s not her because A, she hadn’t texted Kylie and B, it was obviously a guy. 

Which is why she’s instantly mortified when her brain makes the connection and finds Jake Peralta sitting outside of her apartment. He’s dressed in his usual work ensemble and looks really put together compared to her. 

“Jake?” she squeaks. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m - are you okay?” He asks as he takes her in. He stands immediately and reaches a hand toward her to what? Comfort her? It simultaneously soothes the raging nerves and enrages then. Amy nods, feeling her chin wobble slightly like it does when she’s about to cry. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” Jake asks. “Did something go wrong on your date?”

Everything, she wants to say. Then she thinks: what is the point of pretending anymore? “Did she say yes?”

“Did who say yes?”

“I’m your fairy godmother apparently,” she says bitterly, pulling out her phone and waving it in his face.

“What?” 

“You know, when you were trying to text Kayla? You were texting my personal phone,” Amy says. “I didn’t know it was you, because we didn’t tell each other our names but yeah. It was me.” 

“That was - that was you?” 

“Apparently,” Amy says. “Did the girl you like say yes? Let me guess, it was Sandra from downstairs -” 

“Sandra?” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Amy says. “I’m chill, bro. You know. Chill.” She takes a sip of her hot chocolate and promptly burns her tongue. Smooth she tells herself. Wow. How are you even single? 

“Well how about you and your mystery man?” Jake demands. “Was it Chad?”

“Chad? My mystery man,” Amy scoffs.

“Well then, who was it?” he crosses his arms over his chest.

Damn it all to hell. She was done with not burning bridges for the sake of maintaining awkward friendships.

  “It was you, you idiot.” 

Jake’s eyes go wide. “…Me?”

“Yes,” Amy says. “I know. Whatever. We can just go back to forgetting about it now and I’m officially only going to have one phone now - “

“But Ames - I was talking about you.” 

She blinks. Her brain is moving sluggishly. She can’t quite comprehend what he’s just said to her. When she finally gets around it to it she opens her and mouth and closes it several times.

“Me?” she finally stammers. 

“Yes, you,” Jake says. “Oh my god. We are the worst detectives ever. It’s official.” He’s smiling for whatever reason, as if this is a massive joke. Was it April fools day today? She couldn’t remember. 

“But you can’t like me!” Amy protests loudly. 

“Oh I do,” Jake says. “I like like you Amy Santiago.”

“But all those nice things you said about her - “

“Were about you,” Jake says. “I swear. I swear on my reputation as a detective.”

“About me?” She asks, feeling another tired tear escape from the corner of her eye. 

“And all of your texts - those were about me? Including the ones where you said I was an idiot?”

“I think we’re both idiots,” she says, rubbing her forehead. “Oh my god. We may as well hand the best detective title over to Rosa or Charles.” 

“Might as well march over to Holt and turn in our resignations now,” he says, and despite herself she’s laughing. She’s laughing, laughing, laughing. So hard that her stomach feels like it’s about to burst and then he’s laughing too and both of them are careening toward each other like magnets. It ends with Jake’s mouth being awfully close to Amy’s and Amy’s chest being awfully close to his.

“I’m crazy about you Amy Santiago,” he says. “For real. And all of those things I meant, I meant.” 

It’s not eloquent, but Amy wouldn’t want it any other way. 

She remembers to drag him back into her apartment before she kisses him, real and properly. 

(Later, she says it back. “I’m crazy about you Jake Peralta. For real.”) 

To: Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago

From: Gina Linetti 

[11:30 PM]

if you guys aren’t together by now I’m going to riot. Also Jake, I have Kayla’s real phone number when you want it. If you want it. (She seems like kind of a bitch.) 

To: Gina Linetti and Amy Santiago

From: Jake Peralta

[11:31 PM]

DO NOT TELL ME YOU PLANNED THIS

To: Jake Peralta and Amy Santiago 

From: Gina Linetti

[11:32 PM]

i told Amy i had the perfect guy for her. 

[jennyquill]

some kara/lena headcannons + ramblings

ok this is just for me and for funsies ive got a lot of thoughts and not a lot of people to share them with but we might as well start somewhere. 

it’s really long fam

Who’s the cuddler: definitely both? kara really likes closeness in general and lena is an absolute sucker for cuddles and + homegirl’s probs really touched starved too so they probably have major cuddling sessions where nothing really happens they just want to be as close as possible to each other. i’ve also seen some headcannons where kara’s basically a human furnace and i can see lena getting *lovingly* frustrated at her girlfriend’s ridiculous body heat but also consider: lena luthor being a cuddle slut and absolutely adoring kara’s eternal warmth

Who’s the big spoon/little spoon: kara likes to default to big spoon but doesn’t mind when lena takes the reigns. they’re probably switch in this.

Fav. non sexual activity: this is a huge fanon thing and i totally am on the bandwagon for it: lazy sundays. just. an entire day where sluggish, hedonistic desires are met and they close themselves off to the world um yes pls this is very kara/lena. also music. i like the idea of them being well-read in the music world and just going to concerts ranging from mahler to andrew bird to nicki minaj and selena gomez and probably some other hipster bands. sharing each other’s spotify’s and sending each other youtube links of cool obscure bands they find. kara discovering someone’s bandcamp and lena anonymously donating to their page. lena loving the opera and introducing kara to verdi. lena having a guilty pleasure for 21 pilots or smth and kara being ???? ok let’s jam. i just really! love! music! and! kara/lena!! (omg kara teaching lena advanced music theory??? maybe lena was semi trained in her youth but never really went past building chords and one afternoon kara just takes her aside and teaches her part writing and its weird ass rules and lena catching on in an instant bc all music theory is an extension of math and logic. them writing songs together im???)

Who uses all the hot water: KARA her apartment may be big and spacious but that don’t mean her water heater is up to date

Most trivial thing they fight over: shoes. they’re like, a half shoe size a part even though lena’s smaller and maybe with certain styles kara can fit in some of lena’s nice loafers or lena lowkey uses this one specific pair of black heels of kara’s and this leads to the pettiest arguments of “those are my shoes and today is my day no you cannot wear them.” also kara accidentally putting things in hard to reach places bc she’s still getting used to living with someone who can’t just fly up to get the pans on top of the fridge.

Who does the most cleaning: they’re both pretty good at keeping things neat. lena’s not used to kara’s ‘throw this here and pick it up later’ system but they work things out. lena’s also really bad at keeping track of how fast her messes pile up and even though she always cleans after herself sometimes kara comes home and there’s just trails of paper and books and like five computers running and she’s like babe ur home office took over the house. also what’s that saying that really intelligent people are the messiest or smth? smth like “an empty desk is an empty brain” idk. i’m just thinking that even though lena presents herself nicely and clearly has a grip on herself just think about her home office being a small battlefield of stacks and files and prototypes. also lena with a messy closet is pretty believable like she may know how to match her clothes but that doesn’t necessarily mean her closet is in pristine condition idk i present to you: kara, organized closet by color and design and lena, these are my yoga pants and they’re hanging next to my 200$ suit

Who controls Netflix queue: kara is queen of netflix and all things to watch. lena doesn’t know how she manages to afford netflix and amazon prime at the same time but then again she also doesn’t know how kara affords her apartment in the first place.

Who calls the landlord when the heat doesn’t work: lena gets it done faster; kara doesn’t even notice the temperature has dropped 20 degrees until lena puts on her winter coat

Who leaves their stuff around: kara’s constantly dropping her clothes in the most random places bc supergirl reasons. lena finds her tights and button up in the bathroom at the beginning of the week and by the end of the week she’s found her shoes in the potted plant, her pants on the kitchen island, and various shirts smashed between things ranging from the stereo set to the fridge. lena’s one of those people who can always remember where they’ve left their stuff even if they’ve left it in a maze

Who remembers to buy the milk: kara’s shopping lists aren’t always practical but she does remember to buy the milk

Who remembers anniversaries: both. at the start of their relationship ena’s afraid to make it a big deal bc fear of rejection and commitment but kara rubs those fears away by being the most supportive girlfriend. also kara having her own reservations about commitment. kara knowing that relationships ask a lot out of people, that both have to work to make it happen. kara trying, despite her previous relationships to go forward and build something strong for lena and her. kara forging on, ignoring the demon in her head telling her that she can’t have it all, that she’ll never be able to find balance, that no one will truly take her for who she is. lena recognizing and soothing these fears, destroying these fears by staying steadfastly by kara’s side and saying fuck it and falling hard and fast for the girl of steel. lena being a dramatic gay and showering kara with expensive gifts and bringing her as her date to exclusive parties. kara bringing lena gifts from the sea and pretty rocks from mountains that humans can’t climb, kara finding the quiet corners of the world and bringing lena there and they build their world from each other’s strength and their secrets bonding them and told through trust. lena and kara in love and a super and a luthor defying the odds because they can and because they will.

Who cooks normally: i love the headcannons of kara being the cook bc hello it’s kara and this girl’s first love on earth (besides alex) was probably food. but i also like the idea of them both being hopeless in the kitchen? like. imagine them both trying to save money and taking cooking classes or watching baking videos online. going to the library and trying out a different recipe each week. lena making a pinterest of all the breakfast items she wants to try on lazy sundays. together, learning how to cook and messing up and getting distracted by each other so their meals turn out just a little bit burnt. kara trying to make homemade icecream. kara eating half the ingredients before lena has a chance to put the roast in the oven. them making thanksgiving dinner and it’s kind of horrible but mostly alright and eliza makes them promise to let her help them out for christmas dinner. kara and lena slowly learning to cook and turning out to be kitchen moms with a wicked way with the cookbook.

How often they fight: god just they can either have the best arguments or the worst ones. they’re both really good communicators though and they’re respectful and sure things get heated and complicated but they live by the “don’t go to bed angry” rule and it really helps. lena can close herself off, be a little dramatic, maybe be a bit reckless when it comes to her self care and kara’s got a huge heart but she’s also terribly headstrong and sometimes their respective stubbornness blinds them. kara can be extra and make rash decisions. but at the end of the day they talk things through and their similar backgrounds help them reach understandings.

What they do when they’re away from each other: kara can visit lena wherever she is in the world but she’s also got her own job and while she’d gladly visit lena everynight lena knows better than to ask her to, knows that space can be good. if lena’s gone for extended periods of time they’ll arrange call times and kara visits when she can so long distance isn’t a main concern between the two of them. supergirl duties take kara away at really random and sometimes inopportune times but lena’s a patient soul and kara always makes sure she’s communicating to lena, making lena a priority but also lena knows that supergirl is The priority and she loves her hero girlfriend. also distance makes the heart grow fonder so imagine maybe their busy schedules overlapping and them not being able to be together for two weeks to a month and both are just going crazy like. kara wanting to rush off to her girlfriend every chance that she gets but lena’s on the other side of the world and up to her neck in corporate shenanigans so when they finally are able to orbit each other again it’s like a supernova and it’s handsy and desperate but also really nice and they just kinda hold each other for awhile and take their time regrouping after the initial homecoming. also kara/lena + reunion sex. bonus points if the next day is a lazy sunday.

Nicknames: idk? i don’t really see them having nicknames unless it’s the teasing miss luthor/miss danvers. they have pet names tho. lots of babes and darlings and sweethearts.

Who is most likely to pay for dinner: lena.

Who steals the covers at night: kara likes the comfort of being in buried in covers even though she really doesn't need them. lena’s a sheet goblin and probably lowkey hogs the bed. not the kara minds bc that girl sleeps like a log in one place.

What they would get each other for gifts: kinda already answered this but also wanted to add that idk where i saw this and i wish i could find it and link it but i read a really good one somewhere where somebody was like “lena gets kara lingerie and it’s an experience” and um yes??? if someone knows what this is pls tell me and i’ll link it/give proper credit im sorry. also! kara getting lena really practical things or gifts from around the world. lena going full out billionaire baby on kara and just the two of them being high end fashion, high end living, high end everything. but also enjoying the other spectrum of comfort and maybe for kara’s birthday they go on a road trip and stay in crappy motels and eat greasy diner food and have the quintessential american experience and it’s cathartic and slow and totally theirs.

Who kissed who first: i love the idea of kara making the first move and a surprised but delighted lena being like yesss.

Who makes the first move: kara’s the one to make all the first moves i’ve decided this. lena’s always just a lil hesitant, always thinking in strategies and kara’s the one to be like ok let’s do this when and where do we meet and they just progress from there.

Who remembers things: lena’s google calendar gives onlookers heart attacks on the spot. kara balances her duties pretty well but sometimes she can slip up and something will go over her head but she’s always responsive and owns up to her actions. they remember big days and lena’s always the one to follow up on dates or plans and kara’s the one that reminds lena to eat or rest or just take some time to herself.

Who started the relationship: their lunch dates turn to dinner dates that turn to hang out sessions until they’re three months down the road in a muddle of uncharted intimacy and one day alex goes “hey where’s ur gf” and kara’s like ??? oh lena. oh. well she’s probably running late bc i know she had a meeting or smth. and alex is like. ah. and kara’s like. ah? and alex is like “u didn’t question that lena’s ur gf? gay.” and kara’s like “omg” and then shenanigans ensue and long story short they’re dating.

Who curses more: lena luthor is a very attractive curser and kara doesn’t know what to do with this information. also. kara cursing in high stress situations or when something takes her by surprise. bed cursing. also kara whispering ‘fuck’ bc of smth and lena doing the side eye emoji.

What they would do if the other was hurt: lena’s become accustomed to seeing supergirl get whipped around on the tv screen but her heart rate still speeds up everytime kara gets hurt. they learn to trust one another and just build this really lovely relationship where the worst has already happened to them so they know that together they can get through anything. lena staying by kara in her sunbed. lena taking care of her helpless gf when her powers blow out. lena being a shoulder to cry on, lena understanding when kara needs someone to understand what kara doesn’t understand. kara doing the same for lena. kara protecting lena to her last breath. kara defending lena until her voice is hoarse. kara bringing lena food. them giving each other backrubs out of comfort or out of need. both of them being just as protective as the other with just as much concern and love and care and tenderness.

Who is the dirty talker: im blushin thinking about this. lena being the vocal one but also kara being really responsive to her? yes. someone fic this. someone probably already did.

Any headcanons? i’m really into kara and lena going to galas/parties and dressing up idk it’s just the aesthetic that gets me. also the music headcannon. i want kara who sings around her apartment or whenever she’s comfortable or when she’s doing work just singing all these songs and some lena recognizes and others are hymn songs from krypton or songs from her childhood. kara being a theatre nerd and geeking out to lena and lena lowkey understanding all of kara’s references. lena knowing piano and kara knowing like twelve different instruments. idk where that huge “kara loves music and learns to control her powers through it” post is but yeah im all for this mmhmm.

i’d also like to add: cello player kara. strings are a hard discipline to learn and you have to have the right amount of pressure and speed to pull the sound out of these types of instruments. also, the cello is low and kara would probably have perfect intonation with the low rumble of the strings, the orchestra, and her super hearing. kara having an extensive knowledge of baroque music and string quartets and being a nerd and analyzing bach chorales. also choir kid kara! being a voice within many and listening to the counterpoint and changing harmony. kara danvers, not a sports kid in high school, but a fine arts kid. going silly and goofy in the drama club, painting in the art club, being in two orchestras and a band on the side. trying out the glee club (ha) and being put in the top choir bc she’s strangely and inexplicably fast at learning the languages and parts. kara forming her own string quartet with her buddies. kara being in the pep band. KARA BEING IN THE MARCHING BAND. DORKY KARA WITH GLASSES AND A HUGE TROMBONE. MAYBE A TRUMPET IDK. OMG KARA DANVERS, BASSOON PLAYER EXTRAORDINAIRE. kara slaying it at karaoke so hard that she’s not allowed back until she learns that karaoke is for fuNSIES and not for taLENTED PEOple kar a stoppppPPP. kara being That Kid that makes all the statewide festivals and competitions. kara not being in it for the glory but for the discipline, the physical balance and strain it takes her to master her craft and this makes her stand out but not in a bad way but in an inspiring way. kara rising to the top bc she practices for herself, because music is an escape like it is for a lot of kids, but especially for her.

also: kara applying her music theory knowledge from krypton to western styles of music???? im??? is it like atonal music or do they have notes that the human ear can’t pick up? what are the scales like/modes?? i don’t read the comics and i have no knowledge on the superman lore but if someone knows pleaSE SHARE. kara likes atonal music bc it’s fun to follow. kara missing krypton’s instruments and subconsciously choosing her earth instruments based on what she remembers from krypton, what feels familiar. kara liking certain pop songs on the radio because the modes are similar to a hymn she heard when she was little. kara getting lost in the dazzle of theatre bc the storylines about going home and finding one’s true self hit something deep within her. kara and music. kara and the fine arts, finding a different type of strength.

also one last thing for all you music nerds out there: don’t think about how ungodly fast she’d be at part writing and finding errors. or how she’d ace all the aural skills parts of theory exams. kara gets a music minor in college in theory and composition and it’s a breeze ok ok im done this was too much fun omg.

[wishingfornever]

12/26/17 – No Contact:  Cobwebs

Current time is 1:14am.  I have yet to do the dishes.  Ended up procrastinating.  I’ll do it before I go to bed.

I… well, Esther saved a bunch of messages on Snapchat.  Old messages. Maybe from a year ago, before we became romantically involved perhaps?  Perhaps after as well?  Oh, it seems they were on January 18th of this year.  Her birthday.  These are things I told her.  I’ll share them now: “I wish you could know yourself as I know you.  It may not seem like it, but you’re strong.  You’re tough.  You’re resilient.  You’ve done so much, you’ve withstood so much, and you’ve overcome so much.  It may not seem like it, but I admire you.  You’re like a mouse challenging a titan and somehow you’re still standing.  You don’t need me.  you’ve never needed me.  I’m just lucky to come along for the ride.  I’m not saying you’re invincible, but I swear it seems like it.”

“If [I] were blind, I’d still rate you a 10.” “I was fantasizing about us at my parent’s ranch.  I sincerely believe you’d have a good influence on me.  I’m imagining my dad embarrassing himself trying to talk to you.  He’s been stumbling over his own words since I left for Texas.” “Team? You’re the one running the show.  I just look cute in a skirt and wave pom poms around.” I believe we have an innate hive mind.  All humans.  Like, that’s how so many inventions happen at once all over the world.  The Wright brothers with their plane? Other people were working on the same thing at the time and several actually flew.  However, they could only [fly] straight.” “You will get along with my mom.  When she was 18, she also moved out which was unheard of in Mexico.  She and my grandmother didn’t speak for sometime when she did.” “Besides, I wouldn’t go so far as to say I love most about you is your charming and affectionate posts on Tumblr because it reflects a poetic and clever mind, but it helps. I can get in a conversation with you, I can engage you [mentally], I can learn and expand.  Sex is just sex, but a beautiful mind is a difficult thing to find. I love you, Esther.  Not because you’re cute or physically attractive.  I love you because of your voice, your thoughts, your perspective and reasoning.  You’re more than a pretty face.  You’re beautiful.  Everything about you is beautiful.” The words in brackets are words that had to be changed because the original word was missing or incorrect.  Rather than explain it (because I definitely corrected it, but she didn’t save the correction) I’m just going to edit it ever so slightly.  Also did some punctuation corrections but that doesn’t require brackets.

She and her mom had a falling out.  It was sudden and she needed to get away.  Basically, no one would take her in (or at least I was under the impression) and she had nowhere to go.  People she had asked ended up flaking on her.  So, she was basically going to be homeless. I asked Adela if we could take her in and eventually convinced her. I tried to keep our relationship secret at first, but when Esther arrived, I couldn’t.  But I’ll get back to that later.

I was also living with my parents.  The reason I was at Adela’s was because she needed a housesitter and I was too depressed back home. I felt ASHAMED that I’d have to bring Esther to live with myself and my parents, but I warmed up to the idea over time.  Of course, I asked my mom to ask my dad because she’s more reasonable.  Of course, she asked and they approved.

I basically built her up.  A lot of bad things had happened to her, so I was trying to make sure she wouldn’t fall.  This was big.  She was happy.  Hopeful.  I didn’t want anything to stop that.  And I’ve always been a bit of a hard ass because my dad was a hard ass, too.  So, I told her I admired her.  And I did. Only with her have I had a breakup this bad.  She’s unique.  Everything about her, everything I’ve felt because of her… it’s been unique.

The “If I were blind” comment.  Accidentally said “you” in the original.  Because blind women aren’t attractive.  Kidding, of course.  I’d still think she were beautiful if I were blind, meaning I didn’t need her to be attractive.

Back to the ranch thing… yeah, I was scared.  I was very scared of having her there.  I wanted to leave the ranch as soon as possible but it’s so FUCKING hard to get anywhere because it’s so remote. And summer… I hate summer.  It literally drains me.  I get so depressed during the summer.  It’s bad.  It’s like the flooding of the Nile.  And my dad makes it worse.  He always makes it worse.

Whatever. The point is, I had hoped she’d help me fight the summerly depression.  I guess it was the worst depression of my life due to the event, but it was pretty bad before, too.  I hate it.  And of course, Esther says I don’t get to be depressed.  I’m not allowed to… that’s not a good enough excuse.

Ugh… her oxytocin for Dennis.

Anyways, she said we made a pretty good team but really, I gave her a ton of control.  She was doing her own thing and I was supporting her.  I wanted her to feel like she was carrying the flag and leading the charge.  That this was something she was doing herself.

The hivemind thing was me talking about how humans have similar ideas wherever they are.  It springs up within a decade.  Many historical coincidences.  Not sure why she saved it; I guess she enjoyed my philosophy.

My mom is a trooper, too.  Was hoping the similarities would inspire her.

And finally… yeah, I got very emotional.  That was all written within 10 minutes of each other so were technically part of the same segment.  Thus, I included them all together.  I don’t think Esther got in a word.  I loved her.  I know you know, but I really did.  I still do.  I believed in us.

When the event was going down and we were still on somewhat good terms… we had a temporary motto.  “In it for the long run.”  Look at us now.  She wants nothing to do with me and I’m still stuck on her. I’m still in it for the long run, but she stopped long ago.  So, it’s a journey of love that I travel alone. Masturbation is my highway.

Alright, not that funny.  Anyways, Ariel… the dog.  She kept him from getting hit by a car or something?  It was cold and he was scared and she held him and waited for the police to pick him up.  The dog refused to leave her initially but eventually went with him and was returned to his people.  So, the dog is fine and Ariel has good karma coming her way.  I’m glad for her.  :D Anyways, I’m going to turn on music and do the dishes.  I’ll fuck around with the bathrooms and laundry tomorrow.  Or later today?  Whatever, the point is I’m off.  See you in the next paragraph.  For me, it’ll be a few hours.  Good night.

And good morning.  Or, rather, mid-day.  Slept in.

So, I stayed up watching American Psycho last night.  Had the dream of the sequel.  It was a shitty dream, mostly because Max pooped in the room.  I’ll tell you more about that when we get back from grocery shopping.  Adela’s rushing me which is weird because while cleaning it up, she couldn’t have been slower.  Brb

Apparently, we’re not grocery shopping.  Max is going to the vet.  We went out just to eat.  D’oh!  The purpose of eating out is so we don’t get crappy food for the rest of the week and just pig out.  I suspect that’ll be an issue later, but whatever.

I think Max is just eating too much right now.  The food he was switched to are these BIG cans for dogs larger than him.  So, it’s discerning to say the least.

We’re trying to get the house to look presentable.  Not sure if I mentioned this, but my mom is coming out in a few days a couple days ago. Which is to say, she’ll be here tomorrow.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

Whatever. I’ll try to clean the poop a bit better because she’ll get the guest bedroom.  Back when I lived on my own in Amarillo, I hated having her over.  Not to sound ungrateful, but it’s such a burden. My mom can get kind of nosy, too.  I’ll clean up my workspace, try to keep her from snooping on my writings.  Also will probably lock my computer?  Idk, yet.  I guess it won’t matter.  But, again, it’s such a hassle.  Everything must be sooooooooo presentable.  Don’t get me wrong, we clean up here but we don’t EXTENSIVELY clean everything like we do now.

She’ll only be here for ten days.  Leaving next year on the 7th. Not so long.  I’ll be sleeping on the couch and I probably won’t be on for very long.

Anyways, American Psycho… such a strange movie.  Not sure how much of it was in Bateman’s head and what wasn’t.  The scene with “Hip to be Square” reminds me of Walter.  Sounds like him.  Of course, Bale sounds like Jim Carrey a lot but also Walter.  When he says, “Yes, it is!” that is something Walter would say in a tone he’d say it in.

Walter, of course, is a little guy.  He wouldn’t pulverize someone with an axe.  Of course, he’s had a tough history so I’m sure he’s bumped into people who have certainly deserved it and maybe he wanted to, but he’s not as self-centered as the Patrick Bateman.  Walter is charitable and kind.  Just talks the same way, is all.

Honestly, though, if it wasn’t for all the drugs and murder, I don’t think I’d mind being Bateman.  I mean, he is SUCH a dick but his problem he has no financial issues.  That’s… so nice.  Financial issues suck hard.  Then again, maybe that’s why he was very into drugs and murder.  Because he had the money to afford it.

Of course, there are several theories suggesting he isn’t really Patrick Bateman and is someone who just took over his life/apartment/career and another saying he hasn’t murdered anyone which is why the characters he constantly interact with never dies.  I thought about whether he actually killed anyone at all due to that whole Grand Theft Auto scene where he was basically playing GTA and murdered a bunch of people.  Spoilers.  Like, that killing spree… it was a bit too much.  And he goes through the same building twice.  Idk, it’s a movie that makes you think which is nice.

The sequel I saw earlier this year.  It was… not the best, but it wasn’t the worst.  As I said, I had a dream about it.  Mila Kunis was just murdering people and eventually she walked away.  During, I smelled dog crap but didn’t know what it was and ignored it.  Then I woke up to Max poop all over the carpet.  D’oh!

Got water and vinegar.  Trying to get as much out of the carpet.  Did a hard scrub before we left for food.  I’m absolutely stuffed right now, still.  Went to the bathroom, too.  See, this is slowing down my weight goals.

Speaking of, today is… Tuesday?  Tomorrow, I’ll weigh myself.  Get in the habit of weighing myself every Wednesday.  Except my mom will be here… for over a week.  So, I won’t be able to measure myself because it’ll be in that room.  And I just remembered, I won’t have a nice, private place to fap.  And even if I find the time and place, my mom will probably be around the house so I can’t have noise on my porn if I choose to watch it.

My masturbation highway has turned into a no-fap detour.

Whatever. It’ll be fine.

Going to clean now.  Before I do, I found a red hair recently.  From my scalp.  I have a few red hairs in my beard, but my scalp… and this was like… damn near scarlet.  I thought it was discarded Christmas decoration at first.  I, being the vain and possibly narcissistic bastard that I am, have considered getting some feminine products. Basically the hair color changers or whatever.  Where it’s brown or black or blonde or whatever.  Various colors that hide gray hairs.  I think I also mentioned how I kind of want to get an implant in my left calf to make it look more even with the right calf.

The hair thing would be super temporary, though.  Reason being is that if I enlist, then they’ll shave my head.  No point in dying my hair if it’s going to get shaved off in about… four months?  Yeah, just about considering it’s nearing the end of December.  The calf implant though… it’d be expensive.  Like, very expensive.  Maybe military benefits would cover it?  Then again, it’d be totally cosmetic, so unlikely.

Or actually… if I get sent to ANY foreign country, I can see if I can get stationed in a country that doesn’t naturally set the medical prices too high.  But that’d mean I’d have to enlist for 4 years just to have some say.  If you enlist only for 2, they’ll send you where they need you.  With 4, you have some say of where you go.  Or maybe I can just find a way to get to Spain to get the surgery there?  Maybe take advantage of leave or something.  But I’d have to find out the price.

Just looked it up.  4.5k to 6k dollars if I intend to get it.  Then again, I only need one.  And there is a chance that I won’t be able to walk right after.  So, it might not be that expensive.  You know, I could probably just get it in Mexico.  “Oh, but the doctor’s are from a third world country and don’t know-” shut up.  No.  Just, shut up.  If I get it in Mexico it won’t be any different from the US.  The difference would be that I won’t be getting robbed.  US doctors aren’t any better than foreign doctors.  The price isn’t a reflection of quality.  That’s why capitalism is failing and the US economy has been shit.

People like to say, “Oh, why you buying a $5 coffee everyday?  Save your money and buy a house, you bums!”  I saw that in a post and it was trending for a little while but it’s dumb.  The idea of an economy is that people spend, not that they save.  If they save, then there is no money running through.  Think of the economy like a river, the more freely it runs the better.  “Free market economy talk from a commie?”  No, shut up and let me finish.

When you save money, your portion of the water isn’t running down the river.  You’re basically building a dam.  And then other people will ALSO save their money and they will ALSO build a damn.  The more damns that are built means less water going down the river.  It turns into a little stream and that’s not enough for the fish or the plants to get live and be watered so the ecosystem suffers.  So, when people aren’t spending then the economy suffers.

People don’t make enough money to afford a $5 coffee every day.  You’re being REALLY generous if you think so many people have a routine that involves spending $35 a week on coffee alone.  The majority of people in the US live in debt.  The majority of people in the US can’t afford jack shit.  The majority of people in the US are actually REALLY poor.  The entire concept of money is that it’s not infinite.  That’s why it’s valuable.

Sorry, I left to clean some toilets.  Adela isn’t back yet and it’s nearly 5.

Backing up to economics, people really should get $5 coffees.  That’s part of the economy, after all.  The people who serve those coffee need paying jobs, after all and it’s probably not paying enough for them to afford $5 coffees themselves.  Of course, they’ll probably get free coffee because coffee shops are actually really good to their employees for some reason.  Regardless, materialism is a good thing for the economy.

Went shopping.  Alone.  Adela came back and wanted to stay with Max which is fine.  She gave me a list and everything as crossed off.  Not sure I missed anything.  Toilet is broken on the floor I use.  It happened the first time I came out, too.

While shopping, I began texting Diana.  Before shopping, I was messaging Daniel.  I find him quite refreshing if not also perhaps a bit disheartening.  He’s a reminder of the event, after all.  The last link of whom I still speak with.  He is kind, though.  A better soul than Dennis or Shane.

He is quite stressed and he won’t tell me why.  Not because he doesn’t want to share but because there is a lot on his mind.  So much so that if he were to write it out for me, he joked he would get carpal tunnel.  Which is a pity.  So, I did what I normally do.  I wrote propaganda.  I tried to rebuild his morale.  It began with him asking how I was able to stay happy… every day.  He doesn’t know.  All he knows is what I show.  He only knows me for my smiles rather than the crippling emotions that hide behind my eyes.  Every now and then, I’m overwhelmed and my eyes leak, emotion dripping like blood from a fresh wound.

I’m getting awfully poetic.  Apologies, I decided to revisit the Grand Budapest Hotel.  A delightful movie.

Anyways, I told him denial.  I try to look towards the future.  Told him I have goals that I’m close to achieving.  Sometime in April, a new chapter of my life is to begin.  I didn’t tell him that I will vanish.  I didn’t tell him that I intend to escape from it all and enlist.  I didn’t tell him that I intend to bring Ariel out before I finally flee.  I smile to hide my sorrow.  I smile because I know that soon, I shall flee.  Melancholy is that of freedom; from myself and my past.

It’s not all negative.  I told him that smiles are contagious.  He smiles, the world will smile with him.  I know this because when I smile, the world will smile with me.  I also told him to find moments to just enjoy the little things and shared my Titanic reference from work. Only I laughed but that was more than enough laughter for one day.  I also sent him to a video that Ariel sent me to.  The one of the Indian guru talking about… smiles.

Diana was less sentimental.  Rather, it was more trivial questions asking about sushi and bubble tea, asked her how her day was going and how she was spending it, told me that she was watching a series with her sister and continued to remind me how close with her family she is. She asked if I had any siblings.

Of course, I told her yes.  Yes, but I wasn’t really close with any of them.

Hasn’t messaged me since then.  Probably wise.  I wonder how she sees me. I’m loud, energetic, eager, and always smiling.  That’s how the customers tend to see me.  Her?  She’s starting to see more, perhaps.  She may find it quite peculiar that I’m so happy yet so disconnected with my own family.  Perhaps she’ll see the neurotic side Esther saw or thought she saw.  I’m not even certain of my own mental stability.

Regardless, I wonder how much I should reveal to her.  Diana actually reminds me of… Dennis, ironically.  She has a My Chemical Romance sweater she wears while at work.  Guess who was really into that emo stuff back in the day.  Dennis was!  There are other traits and sort of quirks that reminds me of him.  Strange, really.

Of course, she’s not overweight.  And she’s quite funny, her personality isn’t that of Dennis’s at all.  Then again, she may be more vocal due to my being more vocal.  I don’t know enough about her to make that decision yet.  Of course, I know she has a strong family bond yet Dennis is not one for family, unfortunately.

Not trying to trash his name more than I already have, I’m similar in that aspect.  My sister has never been the warmest and my father has never been the most understanding.  When I left for Texas the first time, I drifted further away from my family.  I fear one day, my sister and two half brothers… my cousins… my aunts and uncles… my own parents.  They’ll become strangers to me.  More than they already are, now.

I need to do laundry.  It’s almost tomorrow.  I can’t help but think of Esther now.  Lately, the thought of her has become more prominent.  Perhaps it’s because her birthday is coming up.  Or because a year ago, she was all I could think about.  I suspect… maybe my love for her will grow stronger and become a far more fierce obsession than it already has been.  I worry.  I hope she’s well. I hope her porn is selling.  I hope for the best for her.

That’s all I can do.  Soon, my hope for her will fade.  My memories of her will fade.  Everything about her will be gone.  It’s unfair but it’s inevitable.  I mourn her passing as if she was taken by death himself.

[tweefunk]

Fuckin’ things man.

IDK, my BFF Jill? I want to write nice things I really. I don’t like being a negative Nancy.

The Orwells-Terrible Human Beings

4/10

Eh. Dangerous sexuality only works as an aesthetic when it's tragically hip and elegantly disheveled. See all hyped indie-rock from 2001-2005.

When a bunch of gangly-ass white eggheads from the suburbs consciously re-create it a decade late(r) as a marketing ploy it's just nauseating.

Unfortunately, this isn't that entertainingly awful. It's worse. Boring.

Suicide Silence-S/T

3/10

Suicide Silence attempts what other metalcore acts have done more successfully; transition to an accessible mainstream rock sound and audience. It worked for BMTH and ADTR, but here it just further accentuates that Suicide Silence is a one-trick pony.

The terrible lead single “Doris” set the bar low and became an instant meme, but unfortunately, it’s one of the comparatively bright spots on this underwhelming record. 

Suicide Silence’s attempts at a radio-rock crossover sound come across like a garage band stumbling through bad Deftones covers at their first practice. The sheer ineptitude, combined with the fact that a label was even willing to release this, is astounding.

This mediocrity (to put it mildly) casts the remnants of Suicide Silence’s old deathcore sound in an unfairly favorable light. The brief forays into competence provide welcome relief.

I expect a severe course correction on their next release.

Dirty Projectors-S/T

2/10

Let’s just get this out of the way early. Dave Longstreth is exceptionally talented. He possesses an Ivy League music degree, and it shows. His understanding of melody, harmony, and tonality is nearly unparalleled in pop music, and I’m just some jackass with a tumblr page.

I guess now is as good a time as any to admit (if you couldn’t figure it out for yourself) that I don’t review music in an objective, structural sense. I review music in a subjective, what-does-it-all-mean, how-does-this-relate-to-the-culture-at-large, how-does-this advance-the-medium/genre kinda way. I don’t get into the nuts and bolts of production, or cadences, or harmonic structures unless it’s distracting from the overall message of the product. 

Take punk for example. No one would ever mistake the Ramones for virtuosos, but you would be an idiot to write them off since pretty much all mainstream rock since the late 70′s owes at least a foundational aesthetic to them.

Speaking of punk, (SEGUE!) the first Dirty Projectors album anyone cared about was 2007′s Rise Above the post-modern circle jerk in which the group re-imagined (read: drained of all life, and ignored the cultural context behind...) Black Flag’s 1981 opus. The ironic, self-satisfied condescension of a bunch of literal art-school rejects layering dense fussed-over harmonies onto songs that were imagined as blinding, cathartic rage against both internal emotional and external structural oppression is still nauseating a decade later.

Some dipshit tried to fight me in college for saying that once. 

While Dirty Projectors are once again a solo act, the same sense of narcissistic genre-superiority is still alive and kicking. Except now there is nice dollop of nice-guy woe-is-me misogyny AND a desperate attempt to fit in with the kids and their hippity-hop. In “Up in Hudson,” Longstreth whines “Now I'm listening to Kanye on the Taconic Parkway/riding fast/And you're out in Echo Park/blasting 2Pac/drinking a fifth for my ass.” As you might know, this record is about the breakup of Longstreth and his lover/bandmate Amber Coffman. The above lyric might not be so gross if it weren’t for the fact that opening lines of the record are “I don't know why you abandoned me/You were my soul and my partner.” Well, I’m sure your whiny victim mentality didn’t have anything to do with it.

This tack continues as Longstreth continues to make not-so-subtle jabs at the moral and artistic credibility of his ex. Returning to the opening track, Longstreth delivers this particularly pissy kiss-off: “What I want from art is truth/What you want is fame/Now we'll keep 'em separate/And you keep your name”

Taking this line in context of his east-west dichotomy (LA a symbol of fake plasticity and NY is gritty realism) and the long standing truism that women in the performing arts are often viewed as superficial entertainers providing fun escapism whilst the men get on with such lofty things like “Real” Art, Objectivity, Reason, and Truth.

And in a roundabout way this bring me to my major gripe with the cult of Dirty Projectors and hipsterdom in general. It’s no secret that I grew up as disciple of the early 2000′s pop-punk and emo scene, which has rightly been critiqued as cesspool of vengeful, beta-male “nice-guy” revenge-misogyny. Say Anything’s “Every Man Has A Molly” is perfect example of this with lines like “Molly Connolly ruined my life/I thought the world should know.” 

However, I would argue that Say Anything’s treatment of the subject is more palatable since Max Bemis seems to be capable of self-reflection and critique. In contrast, every time Dave Longstreth comes to close to admitting a fault, it comes caked in backhanded sarcasm since he knows he has to pay lip service to being magnanimous.

And now I turn on the critics: Why the fuck is it ok for an effeté ninny (oh the beautiful irony) to spew this venom, but when a bunch of skate rats in a garage whine about girls ignoring them, it’s an affront to music and good taste? At least the latter group can have a sense of humor about themselves and their genre. But go ahead and lionize the 30-something Yale grad pandering to modern production trends in a desperate bid for self-aggrandizing relevance.

However, as my rating shows, this record isn’t all bad. The mid-album ballad “Little Bubble” is actually quite beautiful and one of the few moments where Longstreth allows his mask to slip and recognizes that this is maybe, partially, his fault.

And lastly, can we laugh at that album art? It’s a fucking broken Nutter Butter.

Thundercat-Drunk

7/10

If you’re into jazz or funk, this essential listening. Thundercat is an incredible musician and his songwriting manages to be hilarious and personal at the same time.

Seriously, one of singles is about Goku. Unfortunately, it gets a little noodly at times, but if you’ve enjoyed his work with Flying Lotus and Kendrick Lamar, definitely check this out.

Also, the guest appearances from Kenny Loggins and Michael McDonald may be final confirmation that the yacht-rock aesthetic is being revived. 

Sun Kil Moon-Common as Light and Love are Red Valleys of Blood

9/10

Anyone who follows my writing knows that one of my biggest complaints about records is that they’re too long, so with a running time of over two hours, I should probably hate this.

Not so.

Mark Kozelek does not make songs, or by extension records, in any traditional sense. Since 2012′s Among the Leaves, he has slowly transitioned away from folky songs about mundane happenings in his life, to creating backing tracks to accompany dramatic readings of his diary.

Ok, that’s an oversimplification, but on many tracks here he drops al pretense to lyricism and recites letters, or just recounts what he was doing on a particular. Right down to giving us the exact date and the entreé he ate for dinner.

On a sonic level, the record moves away from the classical guitar stylings of the last few albums, and bases the sound around hypnotic bass lines and synth textures.

I’m really not doing a good job of selling this, but there’s something disarming about a man who has long ago achieved his place in the music world giving absolutely no thought whatsoever into sales, critical appeasement, or fan expectations.

With the exception of critics, none of this seems to be motivated by angst or spite, but rather from an intense desire to document all that he feels and thinks.

It’s almost Chekovian in a way. The droll observations on daily occurrences, and in some cases, dubious urban legends, allow for the profundity of the human condition to be put on full display.

CALALARVOB works because it takes the listener on a journey of discovery, not only of the world around them, but their own soul as well. If you’re willing to follow Kozelek down the (long, twisting) rabbit holes he regularly detours down, you’ll be in for a treat. 

The only sections that fall flat are Kozelek’s anti-technology rants. He spends so much time mocking smartphone users, that his very valid criticisms of the political climate or music industry circle-jerks at SXSW can get buried under his admittedly self-aware curmudgeonliness. 

This record will drain you with blunt depictions of the world’s horror, and build you up with a steadfast commitment to love and joy wherever you can find it.

Strap in, it’s gonna be a hell of a ride.