#where someone starts a topic and a bunch of people respond to it

[amberjazmyn]

decade 💔🥹

pairing : f1 grid x driver!reader

summary :  aston martin driver elouisa holland is great at keeping her composure in front of the judgemental and ruthless eyes of the formula 1 media circus. that is until she gets asked about why she only has her mum and siblings at her races but not her dad even though everytime she did speak about her dad, it was positive. those who knew why her dad wasn't present at races were worried for how elouisa would respond until the room fell silent when she explained since they clearly couldn't understand or recognise the tense in which she spoke about him. 

warnings : mention of parental death, dark humour, f1 grid press conference, driver x female!reader, platonic x f1 grid, driver reader x max verstappen

a/n :  i have to admit, this was slightly self-indulgent because, fyi, my own father died a decade ago this year and this is exactly what i feel like i'd respond with if someone asked me where my dad was if i talked about him in such a positive light and them not recognising the tense in which i spoke about him. and, also, yes, i have elouisa as an aston martin driver because, no hate but, i'm not the biggest fan of lance stroll so he's just not part of the grid and elouisa is instead but all the other drivers are still in the grid though with a special guest appearance of sebastian vettel. 

it wasn't a shock to find out that the media circus involved with formula one was invasive and sometimes brutal. asking questions that people would think would be off-limits from asking however, within f1, no question was off-limits since there were no secrets within the sport. not even questions about personal matters like their families or their love lives since majority of the drivers had relationships that whilst weren't technically secret but on the private side and other personal matters in their life were safe from media scrutiny. things that didn't even relate to being a formula one driver would be asked instead of the more important questions like how they felt about their car or how the race itself went. and of course, because of these nosy reporters who always wanted clicks and the best and juciest headlines, all the drivers on the f1 grid was put through some form of pr media training so they'd always have the perfect response that would also still give them some privacy as well as preparing them for the harshest of harsh questions without lashing out and gracefully rerouting the conversation back to the original topic of racing. so, if they were responding to a question that was quite invasive and teetered on the line of a privacy violation, they didn't give too much away and they weren't giving the reporter the exact response that they so desperately wanted. and, most of the times, it worked perfectly and the drivers hadn't had their whole lives being plastered over the internet. however, for the first time, elouisa holland's pr training did not come and save her because no matter how hard she tried giving the intrusive reporter her pr media trained responses, he still wasn't satisfied and kept on pressing her for a better answer then the one he had been given. 

so, because of that, she decided to tell the truth and it was a hard truth that would also make many people uncomfortable but, elouisa had been pushed too hard and too far and unfortunately, it was with the entire f1 grid around her alongside the nosy reporters. who most of them already knew the unfortunate reason why her dad wasn't seen around the paddock during grand prixs and why whilst she always spoke lovingly of her dad, she always spoke about him in the past tense. and that was because elouisa's dad died when she was only eleven years old when she was still karting alongside some of those who she now shares the f1 grid with. 

however, that's not how the press conference started. it had actually started as an amazing group interview with all of the drivers, all twenty of them, all bunched up together on the teeny tiny couch. all of them giggling and making jokes with one another and the interviewers and the moderator. elouisa was sat in the middle of red bull's max verstappen and ferrari's carlos sainz jr, verstappen on her right and sainz jr to her left. the three of them were giggling amongst each other and it was during that moment of the three of them giggling that the invasive interviewer, a man who was like at least a couple decades older than elouisa, asked her the one question she had always managed to skirt around giving a proper answer and avoid. 

however, the moment her head looked away from max and carlos and over at the interviewer, it was as though she already knew what question he would be asking. and that was before she had even lifted her head up and before he had even opened his mouth to say anything. 

"you always speak about your dad in such a positive light but we never see him around the paddock or at any of the grand prixs. if he's so great and so loved by you, then why doesn't he make any effort in supporting his daughter in a sport that for so many years, was male dominated and still is considered to be. as the only female driver on the grid, it has to upset you that majority of the drivers have their entire family with them to support them but you don't. especially with the consideration that you are actually quite a talented driver and really getting up there in the status of a legend. but, this is something you always avoid and never answer properly so why are you always talking so happily about your dad but when you get asked why he's never here to watch you drive, you always avoid and deflect, why is that?" elouisa should have prepared herself better but, she genuinely thought reporters were getting bored of asking this question because of the fact she always avoided it

however, this crusty old man was persistent and it seemed as though by his stance and the look on his face, that he wasn't going to back down until he got the answer he desired. but, of course, elouisa wasn't going to back down either so, she started to respond with the same old, media trained answers that she had always used every single time. 

"my dad and the reason why he doesn't turn up to races has no connection to where i am now as a formula one driver. this isn't a question you would ask to someone like max or to charles so why am i the only one being questioned on this topic other than the obvious that i'm a female and they're men? if you have a better question that is actually in relation to this weekend's grand prix, i will happily answer it but, any other non-related grand prix questions, will be ignored, thank you..." elouisa trailed off, placing the microphone in her hand back into her lap as she smiled over at max who gave her a worried look

elouisa knew that the guy was going to keep on trying, it was obvious. however, she didn't want anyone to notice just how bothered she got when people constantly asked about her father and why he was always mentioned but never seen. 

like mentioned before, she was eleven when her father died. and for the longest time, after the death of her father, it was as though her life went by ever so slowly. she wasn't sure how she was still alive because she never really remembered much from ages eleven to eighteen since those years just culminated together all into one. of course, she liked to say that she was the happiest she had ever been from her formula 2 days in 2020 and onwards but, everyone knew she was still struggling deep down. since the loss of her father, she developed an anxiety disorder that was then rediagnosed as ptsd since panic attacks would always strike the australian girl at the worst and most inconvient of times. however, they never bothered her when she was racing or in interviews which she always thought was suspicious considering just how much more dangerous formula one racing was then anything else that she had going on in her life. at eighteen, she made her formula one debut with torro rosso even though it was only just for that debuting performance. after debuting with torro rosso, she moved to renault and then alfa romeo within the same year since the two teams fought over her, spending one half of the year with renault and then the other with alfa romeo. then, aston martin contacted her for a multi-year contract which she couldn't turn down as they had been renamed and brought back after changing their name from racing point to aston martin. and because they knew alfa romeo were never going to keep her for longer than the second half of her rookie season. and in late 2021, elouisa would be the number one driver of aston martin alongside fernando alonso. 

even though elouisa seemed to smile a lot in regards to talking about her dad, it always killed her a little inside because she always spoke about him in the past tense, reminding her of that solemn fact that, her dad was truly never going to come back. no matter how many times she wanted to forget or pretend that his death was just a mean prank that went too far. of course she did. how else would she talk about her dad who was no longer walking the earth anymore? besides, it had accidentally become a habit that she never wanted to get into in the first place. of course she wished her dad was still alive. it was the same for her best friend, charles leclerc, who drove for ferrari. his dad had also passed away but charles was a lot older, he was nineteen and a year away from getting his formula one contract. so he knew the very pain that elouisa went through every single day when she would look and see the other drivers have both of their parents be present for them at every race. it was something she had always longed for and even sometimes loathed her mum for. she had always wanted her mum to fall in love again and when she didn't, it made her slightly hate her mum for not wanting to try to love someone new again just because she was afraid of the same thing happening again. it hurt elouisa to see her mum just blantly ignore her children when they begged and cried out for more than just their mum. only their youngest brother a mummy's boy. the rest of the siblings obsessed with their dad which caused four of the five siblings way more grief from the loss. 

it brought a painful ache into elouisa's heart every single time she remembered the words she said moments after the death of her dad had been announced. the first thing that fell out of little eleven year old elouisa's mouth was 'when am i getting a new dad?'. and even though she was now twenty-one, it was still something that haunted her every waking hour knowing that those were the first words that came out of her mouth. she was eleven, not a baby, yet she was still so clueless about death being final. that death meant the person wasn't going to come back. and now that she was older, she understood why little eleven year old elouisa said what she said. she said those words because she never wanted to be living a life without a father in her life. whether that was her biological father or a father that stepped up and fell in love with her mum and her five children. 

however, that never happened. elouisa's mum never fell in love and it was still something that elouisa would pick fights with her mum about. calling her mum selfish because she's too scared to fall in love again. reminding her that she can't stay miserable forever and that it's not a crime to try again and give her family the stability that they've been missing for the last decade. 

blinking back the cruel truth of elouisa's life, she was pulled back into the press conference as the intrusive interviewer asked her the question again, "i'll ask you again, why are you always avoiding questions that involve your father's obnoxious absences from the races? if a father loved his daughter so much, he wouldn't be avoiding all of her races so where is your father and why are you avoiding answering questions about his whereabouts?" the interviewer asked sharply, waiting for the moment elouisa would crack under the pressure he put her under 

everyone just watching in wait. the drivers beside her all holding their breath as they never truly knew how elouisa would respond or react when asked about her dad. whether she'd laugh hysterically and insert dark humour jokes, in a bid to cover up her uncomfortability. whether she'd cry because it was a day in which she really missed her dad. or if she'd just be nonchalant and continue to ignore the interviewer. however, this time, it was clear that elouisa was equipped with the perfect answer. the answer that no one was ready for because of how brutally honest and uncomfortable it was. 

giggling under her breath, it seemed to excite elouisa that she could finally throw away all of her pr media training and just make this absolute asshole of an interviewer uncomfortable, "sir, i have a question for you, do you have a dad?" elouisa starts as the interviewer is shocked at getting questioned himself but he quickly recovers and nods his head 

"yes, i do, elouisa, why?" the interviewer questioned as elouisa smirked, her plan was working as the drivers looked at her slightly worried - max holding her hand moreso for his own comfort than hers 

"well, when you talk about your dad, which tense do you talk about him in? present or past?" elouisa questions as the interviewer was still confused but not those around him as they all went into a solemn silence 

"present? i don't know, why are you asking?" he huffed, his arms crossed over like a child as elouisa giggled once again as she shook her head 

"okay, good to know your dad is still alive and kicking, sir. i say that because, if any of you interviewers really did your job and did it well enough, you would have picked up on the tense in which i use to speak about my dad..." elouisa trailed off, her head turned to the side as the other interviewers bit their lips in a bid to not make any noises of shock as they finally realised the way in which she spoke about her dad when she did talk about him 

however, this stupid man didn't. he didn't make the connection because it was always this one interviewer that always asked and asked and prodded but never actually paid attention to what was being said and how it was being said. he only cared about his intrusivity being listened to and responded to so he could get the content and reactions he needed for his big stories. 

"...okay, and? what's the tense in which you speak about your father got to do with this question that you always avoid?" the interviewer questioned in slight stupidity as elouisa sighed, her eyes rolling as she reaised she really would have to spell it out for him 

"fuck me...sir, if you were slightly smarter and actually paid attention to the things i post on social media on days like birthdays and annviersaries and why i never respond to your abhorrent questions, as well as paid attention to anything that is seen on my racing helmets, you would know that my dad has been dead for an entire decade...that's why no one in this interview pen has seen my dad except for the other current and former drivers on the grid because when i was eleven, i was still in karting. at eleven, i hadn't even realised that i wanted to reach formula 1 let alone any of the others. if you paid enough attention instead of focusing on the disgusting and intrusive questions to write your big story about, you would be knowledgeable in the news that my dad's dead, mate. like, he's dead dead. like he's so dead that i don't even think i can remember what he sounds like anymore..." elouisa trailed off as the entire press conference fell silent except for some of elouisa's giggles and the clicks of cameras and the one filming the press conference live 

after finally getting the response that the interviewer so desperately needed, he gulped back in embarrassment. his entire face went red and his mouth fell into a straight line as though someone had zipped it shut. he didn't know how to respond and elouisa found it hilarious. she loved when she shut down the ignorant and intrusive reporters because they always reacted the same exact way that this interviewer was reacting. but, it didn't take long before the interviewer then started to try and save his arse. 

"...i...i'm so sorry. i...i didn't know that your dad..." he stammered as elouisa held her hand up, making him stop talking and he did, however it was max's voice that spoke up next, not elouisa's

"...cut the crap, mate. it's obvious you're not truly sorry because if you were, you would have stopped intruding the first time elouisa avoiding responding to your inflammatory questions! if you were that good of an interviewer as you boast to be, you would know that constant nagging isn't going to get you the answer you long for, it's going to end in the same way this press conference has ended. with a driver being pushed to their limit and giving the truth that you so wish for in the most uncomfortable and confronting way possible because you just couldn't stop prodding and poking for a response. but, well done anyway i guess, cause you got what you wished for, right? you now know why elouisa's dad isn't seen around the paddock even though elouisa still talks about him," max was not playing around, he was furious as were the rest of the drivers on the grid but, no one could see the steam that was billowing from the ears of newly retired f1 racer, sebastian vettel 

sebastian had retired but he was still as ever present around the paddock when he was able to be. and at this grand prix, he just happened to be watching the press conference from the very back with nico rosberg, former f1 driver now journalist and they, nico and sebastian, were pissed. the both of them had seen elouisa holland grow up and see how she went through her life without her father present and how it devastated her. how the grief was always ever present around her when she did everything. if these pesty journalists actually did their jobs and paid more attention to things, they would have seen the very clear memorial that the aussie girl has in honour of her father on her helmet in the same way carlos has maria di villota's red star on the back of every one of his helmets or the way charles always pays tribute to his father and godfather, jules bianchi. if they had just noticed these things, they wouldn't have needed to ask these questions but, they probably still would have because they loved to prod and try to break down the only female on the grid to test just how mentally strong she was up against the male drivers. they always did it on purpose because they wanted to prove that girls shouldn't be allowed in formula one and elouisa was their scapegoat every single time. however, this time, elouisa knew what they tried to do and she wasn't going to allow them this time. 

and that made both sebastian and nico proud of their girl. it made the entire grid proud of their girl. they knew from the beginning that elouisa was not the person to mess with but, people still tried yet, as the saying goes, you fuck around and you find out. and this time, this particular journalist did just that. he fucked around and he found out and he wished he never fucked around. and since max let the interviewer have it, it seemed as though he, elouisa and the rest of the drivers were no longer interested in finishing the press conference so they all stood up and, in solidarity for their fellow driver, they all walked out of the press conference. leaving the poor moderator, who was the sweetest guy in the world, all on his own in a room filled with reporters, having no clue what to do since this was being filmed live with no way of editing or cutting anything out. unless the camerman just decided to cut the cameras entirely before moving onto the rest of the grand prix weekend. which, is what the camerman decided to do anyway. the press conference had begun to drag a little too long and it was no longer the light, fun and easy-going press conference that it had started out as. 

as the drivers left the press conference, a breath of air just seemed to evaporate around them. what were they meant to do now? they couldn't remember what was next on the agenda. then, out of nowhere, elouisa bursts into incontrollable giggles. and, this of course, confused the others because how on earth was what just happened that funny? but, they knew not to question her so they also started giggling and the awkwardness just went away. 

finally, elouisa calmed down as she rested against max, "...mate, the look on that old dude's face when i told him that my dad was dead dead was hilarious!" elouisa sighed with the biggest smile on her face - the purest of trauma responses as the other drivers looked at her 

"it for sure stumped him from saying anything else, that's for sure!" lewis chuckled softly as he shook his head as elouisa nodded her head 

"it was supposed to! i said it for that exact reason! i wasn't going to sugarcoat it since it wasn't the first time old mate was begging for my response and he finally got it!" elouisa shrugged her shoulders as max sighed and pulled her closer to him 

"and that's why i love you, elouisa!" max hums with content as elouisa doesn't fight against max's embrace but embraces it and moves closer to him 

"why thank you, maxie! at least someone's not afraid to say it!" elouisa giggles before she stops as she feels the way the looks of the others change from the momentary joy back to sympathy 

elouisa wasn't normally one to get upset over her dad. because, right from the get go, she would always talk about him and she would be able to do that without crying. it was something that actually confused many people because they couldn't believe just how poised she was when she'd talk about her beloved dad so quickly after his devastating loss. how could she not? her dad was her hero, the reason why she even got into motorsport and why she was now a formula one driver even though he would never live long enough to see it. he still had the belief in his daughter that she could make it. that was why she had made it clear that her entire racing career with formula one would be dedicated to her father. but, when it did get quiet within her head and she did get upset about her dad, she knew she could go to any of the other guys in the grid and they'd be there for her to hold her as she fell. 

that was when the very distinct memory of driving on the anniversary of her dad's death and winning popped into her head. 

ʚ✩ɞ

"...elouisa, i don't want to freak you out considering today's already been an emotional day but, with ten laps left, you are in the lead. max is a whole lap behind you with carlos. fernando is near the back with valtteri and logan. so, you just keep on pushing, okay baby? you keep on going and you get that win, alright?" elouisa's radio engineer's voice crackles as elouisa's breath gets shaky 

"thank you! i'm pushing now!" elouisa breathes out before a quick "over" is heard and it's once again quiet between elouisa and her radio engineer 

it was the italian grand prix. not only the home race of ferrari but also the home race of elouisa holland who is an australian-italian f1 driver for aston martin, born and raised in australia to italian parents which meant that she could claim both the australian grand prix and all the italian grand prixs as home races. and, that's what she did. however, this time, this italian grand prix in monza was the most important home race for elouisa. it was the first time that she was in the clear running for a podium finish. but, not just any podium finish but a win. so, that's what elouisa and her team at aston martin were vying for at this italian grand prix. and right now, without even realising it, since she had been swamped by grief and agony of the memory of it being the tragic passing of her father, elouisa was inching closer and closer to getting her first ever italian grand prix win at monza.

elouisa doesn't really realise what's going on because she's so dazed and taken out of the joyus moment but, she knows somewhere deep down inside of her that she's finally snagged a win at one of her home races. celebrating with her radio engineer was supposed to be joyful but it was as though she wasn't even in her body. it was as though she was having an outer body experience and watching it happen. she hadn't even realised that she had driven her car into the parc ferme and in front of the p1 placard. so, it took max, who grasped second place and carlos in third place to help her out of the car and take her helmet off that she started to come to again.

"...elouisa! you did it, you won!" max smiled, his helmet also off as his hands squeeze the girl's cheeks as she looks at him with bulging wide eyes in shock 

"what? no...no i didn't!" elouisa stammered, she was sure max at some point had overtaken her but when she turned to look at carlos, he shook his head, also smiling wide as he joined max 

"yes, you did, hermana sister!" carlos rubbed elouisa's back as tears welled in her eyes, she couldn't understand why or how she had even won a race on a day as agonising and grevious as the annviersary of the death of her beloved dad

"then why don't i feel happy or excited?" elouisa's voice cracked as max and carlos remembered, their eyes sullen 

they hadn't forgotten what this day was or the feelings it brought up for their best friend. how could they forget? they grew up with elouisa and her family. of course, they were on the older side of the grid but, they still grew up with elouisa in the same way they grew up in similar circles to the rest of the drivers on the grid. so, they knew and remembered the exact time on this specific day that they got the news that elouisa's dad had died. it was devastating for all of those in the karting and motorsport world because elouisa's dad was well-known and very well loved. and because he was so involved with it, it had come as a huge shock that the news had come out during a karting championship that elouisa was actually participating in alongside george russell, alex albon and oscar piastri. and, exactly like today, on the anniversary of her dad's death, on the day that it was announced her dad had died, she had also won that karting championship, having no knowledge that at home, her mum was grieving over the loss of her husband and the father of her five children who were all at the karting championship for elouisa. 

maybe that was why whenever elouisa won on days like anniversaries and the birthday of her dad, it never felt happy or exciting. it always had a tinge of sadness because it was another win that he would never get to witness and be apart of. nor was it a trophy that he would be able to  see. so, getting this win at monza was equally amazing for elouisa and aston martin but it was also agonising that it was yet another win that would never be seen and celebrated by and with her dad. maybe that was why her mum had slowly started to stop from coming to races. she couldn't bear to see her little girl on that podium, winning races, without seeing both of her parents there watching. max and carlos could see that the grieving girl was ever so slightly starting to breakdown and they hated it so, they didn't hesitate. pulling her in for a hug, they pulled her closely and held her tightly. the formula one commentators mentioning just how sweet it was that even though they were rivals on track, as soon as they got out of their cars, they were best friends and were there to take care of one another. they also hadn't forgotten what day it was that the italian grand prix managed to fall on this year so, they couldn't do anything else but pay their respects and send their love to elouisa and the rest of the holland family.

  ʚ✩ɞ

"...hey, you okay, schat darling? you went off somewhere, you back with us now?" max giggles softly as elouisa blinks, looking max in the eyes and nodded her head 

"yeah...yeah, i'm fine, sorry. yeah, i was in fairyland for a little bit. i'm sorry, what were we taking about?" elouisa mumbled as she leaned further into max's protective hold as max smiled 

"don't apologise. and whatever we were talking about before doesn't matter anymore, what was going on inside your head? where did you travel off too?" max's voice softened as he got the two of them to sit down on the couch, the other drivers following suite as elouisa scoffed softly 

"my first win at monza...on dad's anniversary..." elouisa trailed off as max nodded his head, the other drivers smiling softly, understanding how agonising that was for her 

"...why's that schat?" max wondered, he remembers that day like it was yesterday and it haunted him at how elouisa was so hollow and as though it wasn't her controlling her body that entire day

"it's a cruel reminder that it's now been a decade since he's died and i still forget that he's never coming back even when i win races..." elouisa whispered, tears that hadn't been shed since that podium, rose in her eyes as her lip trembled 

"...you can cry, lieverd sweetheart." max whispered and that was all that elouisa needed to hear before the tears tumbled down her face as max hugged her close to his chest, her hand covering her face, the other one wrapping around max's middle

the rest of the drivers weren't sure what to do. so they just stood awkwardly, feeling bad for their teammate that her breakdown was most definitely caused by the extremely persistent and abhorrent interviewer from the press conference. that was until lewis led the rest of them out by loudly announcing that they probably had better things to be doing than awkwardly watching max and elouisa. and, max and elouisa both would thank lewis for that later on in the day. not because the other drivers were being ignorant or rude, but it was uncomfortable to see their best friend and teammate cry and not know what to do other than just stand there awkwardly. they for sure could have gone in for a group hug and hopefully used that as a way to maybe make elouisa let out a croaky giggle but, they didn't want to push it or make her feel worse. so, with lewis in the lead, they all left the paddock and allowed max and elouisa to be left on their own. knowing and trusting that max would do everything in his power to get elouisa back to the elouisa they all knew and loved again. 

and it wouldn't take too much longer before max was able to dry elouisa's tears and get that smile back on her face. followed by a shrill giggle not too long after he got her smile back. sure, it was a painful reminder that her dad was gone but, he was never forgotten. no matter how many decades went past since the loss of her father, elouisa would always dedicate the rest of her life as a formula one driver to him. because he was the one that truly believed that his little girl had it in him to have what it took to become a formula one driver. 

fin

ok this ending was shitty and awful but, whilst i was rewriting an old one-shot that is once again max focused, i had this idea so i decided to write it before i forgot it. and this is what i had come up with. and yes, some of what is written in here is what i've through with the passing of my own dad. the truth starting with that, this year, october 2024, it will be an entire decade since my dad died. meaning that exactly like elouisa, i was also eleven when my dad died as i am now twenty-one. which means, it's getting to the point where i've been remembering him for longer than i've known him and that honestly kind of shatters my heart in a way that, by next year, 2025, he would have been dead for the exact same time as he was in my life and that just doesn't sit right with me for some reason. however, because it hasn't even gotten to ten years yet, i shouldn't be thinking about that just yet! and, another thing that is true that i've included in this story is that, not that long after it had been confirmed by the paramedics that my dad was dead and had stopped responding to cpr and defibrilation, i had said to my mum "when am i getting a new dad?" and, i cannot say that i am proud of that statement. it is truly something that haunts me everytime i remember that i said those words. i was just so confused and had no clue what was happening because everything had happened so quickly that those were the words that just tumbled out of little eleven year old amber's mouth.  i was also originally diagnosed with anxiety but then earlier this year, it was rediagnosed as ptsd because of how severe the anxiety within the ptsd was. so, yes, like i said in the author's note at the start, this was a very self-indulgent fic. i hope i didn't make anyone depressed but if i did, i promise i'll help pay for your therapy

[sysmedsaresexist]

We're curious, since you apparently were anti-endo in the past Was there any specific event or conversation or experience that got you to start contemplating the idea you might have been wrong? I know you've mentioned talking to a buncha big name docs and going "okay I think I'm on the wrong side of this debate" but what got you to the point of even bringing it up with them in a genuinely open minded way? We think its an interesting topic for people who've escaped any kind of shithead mindset, not just anti-endo stuff, and so we're oft curious what pulls people out of those pits

This has been a loooonnggggg time coming.

I wish there was just one event that did it, if it was that simple I'd be putting everyone I come into contact with into that situation.

I spoke with Kymbra Clayton in early 2021 about her paper, Critiquing the Requirement of Oneness. It was on a bunch of, "proof endos exist," lists, and it didn't sit right with me. I was surprised to find that she wasn’t... quite anti endo, but she was upset that her work was being used to support them. Her paper was specifically about the shift in clinical circles from final fusion to functional multiplicity as a possible treatment goal. It sort of sent me deeper on the anti side, but it made me realize that, holy crap, I can talk to these people???

So I emailed Colin Ross later that year, desperate to prove someone else wrong, and despite numerous back and forth emails, he was completely pro endo. I never spoke about that conversation until I made my post about it... jeez, what, two weeks ago? What even is time.

But from there, I worked through other doctors, pro and anti, from both my personal, professional circles, and anyone else who would respond to inquiries about their work on whatever social media they were active on. Mostly, as therapists, they stressed the importance of understanding and kindness, regardless of personal beliefs.

I ended up helping a lot of endogenic systems learn about DID, and I realized that, wow, shocking, being nice facilitates conversation. As I got nicer, people were more willing to talk to me about their experiences. I saw how many people were really struggling and I realized that I wanted to help them more than I wanted to be right.

I got REALLY goddamn tired of hearing, "we don't have DID," and I realized I had to concede on that point. There was ZERO conversation to be had if I couldn't get my head around that. But if not DID, then what?

The more I heard, the more I shaped my own thoughts and understanding, the more I broadened my academic searches (wow, there's more terms to Google than just "DID trauma"), and the research was just overwhelming.

I wanted so badly to see the Stanford Tulpa studies fail that I actually started to enjoy the other work of the doctors involved (specifically Tanya Luhrmann, Michael Lifshitz is a little out there for me, but he sure is passionate). The more I read, the more I understood what they were hoping to accomplish and prove, and the more I saw ways that this kind of research can help people.

I don't agree with everything, but I'm still excited to see where it goes, and I realized it's okay to have mixed feelings and opinions, as long as I could be respectful about it.

I've been sneaking out endo safe content for about a year now, adding it on as the last tags. I've discussed at length about my changing beliefs. I'm shocked that no one noticed??

But I didn't actually change my stance publicly until the antis turned on me.

With this new round of antis from TikTok, they were posting stuff about DID that wasn't correct. At all. Some of it was disgustingly wrong. I tried to correct them, gave them pointers and resources to use, explained things they weren't understanding. I gave an amazing play by play of how @sophieinwonderland was going to tear their post apart, and managed to get it pretty damn close to what actually happened! That was fun.

And in return, they called me an endo and started an actual smear campaign against me.

(Hi, friendos, another reminder to get off my blogs and block me, please)

It was the straw that broke the back. I had held on the anti label specifically to be able to work within the anti community, but I was clearly not anti, these were clearly not my people, and they weren't interested in learning. Their actions and behaviour were beyond low. I wanted nothing to do with them.

But, I mean, I guess some people noticed my slow shift, because when I did reach out into the endo community just before I made my first Colin Ross post, they were quick to pull me in without question.

The acceptance and kindness that has been shown to me is... breathtaking. I can't think of a better word. The conversations that I've been having with people have been more interesting and beneficial than ever before.

Syscourse needs to involve actual conversation, and I've finally found that on the pro side.

TL;dr I wanted to prove endos wrong SO badly that I accidentally proved them right

[banquetwriter]

this might be too angsty 😭

but can you do one where the reader has chronic anxiety and is literally house bound most of the time because of how bad it gets and johnnie just helps them through it

୨୧ brittle breathes ୨୧

pairing: Johnnie Guilbert ♡︎ Reader

warnings: ୭̥⋆*｡ panic attacks, extreme anxiety 

summary: ʚ reader’s chronic anxiety binds them to their house but Johnnie is able to save them ɞ

Words: 1452

An: sorry it's taking me so long to write i can't help it lol 

SUPPORT ME

Every day has felt the same to you. You wake up and immediately doom scroll on your phone. Your brain is hyper-fixating on every bad comment you receive. You eventually get off Twitter and turn on YouTube. The torment doesn't end there.

You turn on someone who has consistent uploads, better looking than you, and overall is just better at your job. You feel so sick. Constantly nausea, your hands and feet are freezing, and your brain seems like you mushed it into pieces. 

It had been weeks since you had last uploaded on your channel. It wasn't so bad at first. You felt less anxious at home so you just stayed in more. Unfortunately, it has its talons in you. You could never leave the house anymore.

You were sitting on the couch in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. You hadn't gotten ready in weeks either, posting the occasional post on your Instagram story of something random. 

It wasn't like your fans hadn't noticed, hell everyone in your life had noticed. Your boyfriend Johnnie had asked what was going on with you lately, and he saw it. Of course, he saw it. The light in your eyes slowly dimmed. 

The way you wouldn't do anything anymore. Your interest didn't excite you anymore, you never ate anymore, and the most worrying thing was you'd stopped hanging out with him. 

He knew how hard anxiety could be on a person and how he wanted to help but he also knew how fragile people can be in this head space.

You had dried tears staining your cheeks as you scrolled through Twitter. You were looking at any tweet with your name involved in it. You were just a sad little lump on the couch. It was pathetic really. 

Your heart jumped as a notification went through that Johnnie started a live stream on Twitch. You had forgotten he was going to stream tonight. You clicked on it saying hi in chat. 

“Ahh fuck my settings are all messed up hold on guys,” Johnnie mumbled moving closer to his screen and clicking around. You giggle watching his fans say hi to you in chat. “Alright sorry guys,” he says, sitting up and looking at the chat. 

“Wait, is y/n in chat? A bunch of people are saying hi,” he says looking at the chat zoom bye. You smile to yourself already feeling calmer just by listening to his voice. “Yes, I am ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” you type in the chat. You watch him read the chat and smile to himself. 

He hides his blush by putting his hand over his mouth. The whole interaction made you giggle. He was the only thing that ever made you feel good anymore. You knew that wasn't healthy but you couldn't help it. You texted a black heart emoji to Johnnie.

You sat and watched the stream for a bit longer at some point while Johnnie stopped for a second to respond to your text. ‘Love you nerd’ he said with a heart emoji as well. He smiled down at his phone before realizing he was still streaming and had to keep them entertained. 

He came to a slow point in his stream so he looked over at his chat. “Why isn't y/n posting?” he asked, reading a fan’s words. Your heart skipped a beat. “Um, they are just having a hard time right now. They will be back soon though don't worry,” he answers, it was a true statement.

It just stung that your fans were reaching out to him about you. Johnnie would never make you feel guilty about this of course he understood, it's just you felt like such a burden on him because of this. 

You snapped back into reality, Johnnie had continued his stream and the chat slowly moved on from the topic. You had to do something about this. It was consuming your life.

You swiped away from Twitch and pulled up your messages with Johnnie. ‘Can you come over after the stream?’ you asked. If you were going to get out of this you were going to need help to do it. You had the stream pulled back up again. 

Johnnie was looking down at your phone. ‘I will get an Uber right now.’ was a text Johnnie sent you. You sat up reading the message on the top of your screen. “Hey guys I'm actually going to have to end stream early,” he said looking up from his phone.

You watched the chat as they started to freak out at the sudden end. Well, this wasn't how you wanted things to go. “Everything is ok. I just realized I have something to do.” he murmurs closing all the tabs on his computer going to full screen.

You turn the stream off, your heart pounding. Guilt flooding your veins. You stood up only worsening your dizzy state. You fumbled into the kitchen grabbing a glass of water. You failed, however.

You never made it to the sink. Your brain is racing and your mind is melting. A panic attack flows over your bones and into your soul. Your phone is lost somewhere you don't remember. 

Your breath in rapid paces as you can't make anything out. The lack of oxygen fuels your state. Tears start to pool out of your eyes, you start to sob. The crying mixed with the rapid breath causes you to lose all the air you had.

You can't breathe anymore. Any semblance of being able to return to normal is gone. You fall onto your hands and knees scratching at your throat in immense panic. You try to scream or kick or anything that can save you. 

You don't even hear when Johnnie uses the key you gave him to enter your home. Finding you thrashing on your kitchen floor, tears falling from your eyes. “Y/n?” he yells dropping to the floor with you. 

“What's wrong?” he yells trying to see your face. He manages to grab the side of your face and hold it up. “Can't… breathe,” you mumble, your face starting to lose color. 

“You're ok,” he says looking at you. He isn't able to say it with much conviction. His words betrayed his face as it flooded with worry. You try and fail to return your breathing to normal. Johnnie sees you struggle. 

“Try and follow mine,” he says, unsure of how to help you. You nod your head trying to listen to his breathing. It wasn't any use if you couldn't hear him properly. You hold your hand on his chest, you can feel his exhale and inhale. You could feel his lungs fill with air. 

You tried your best to mimic him. Closing your eyes eventually works. Eventually, you feel your worry melt away, like snow when the weather warms up. It leaves and melts from your body.

Your body relaxes and the tension falls. Johnnie watches as you slowly return back to normal. He brings his hand up to your face and holds you close. You lean into his touch. Your body is slouching.

He wraps his arms around you, holding your body up. “Johnnie?” you ask quietly. The tiredness ebs its way into your body. “Yeah? I'm here. I'm here.” he says slowly. “I need your help. Or someone's I'm not sure. I don't think I can trust anyone else with this.” you whispered to him.

“What's wrong? What can I do?” he asks, moving the hair that fell into your face away. “I have been rotted away by anxiety. I can't leave my house, I can't eat, I cannot do anything anymore. I haven't posted in god knows how long.” you cry standing up and away from him.

He sits up to watch you pace through your apartment. “I can't eat or sleep or talk to anyone without my entire world collapsing. Which isn't helping, it's just making me more anxious.” you cry, pulling at the sides of your face in frustration. 

“What can I do? How can I help you?” he asks while walking up to you. You stop your pacing, before abruptly pulling him into a hug. “I need to start seeing a therapist or something else, I need you to help me,” you whispered into his ear. 

He pulls away, only a little, to see your face. “We can do that for you. I'm sure it's going to get better if you start slowly, ok?” he whispers back. You smile at him sweetly. 

It was going to be hard but little by little you were going to take your life back. You were going to be able to do it with Johnnie. 

[olderthannetfic]

hiii i know you're just a person and not a library but if you happen to have them on hand, i'd greatly thank you for some resources on how social justice topics first entered fandom pre-tumblr-2010s, especially in the 90s or earlier is the period i'm interested in, if fans were very eager on being "politically correct" and went out of their way to find related academic texts or if they sort of had to be "kicked in the butt" to do research by people who were already involved in social justice irl, and also if there was pushback against social justice entering fandom & what the arguments were (i know the japanese had the yaoi ronso, i wonder if there is some clearly traceable event like that for the western fandom, or just some insight into the decades-long process it was and how the arguments have changed overtime, eg. yesterday i stumbled across a forum discussion about how a certain character using misogynistic language is "just how working class people talk", & it's so interesting bc that's a kind of argument which seems to have fallen out of circulation completely, so that got me wondering on what other shifts there could have been👀)

--

I mean... "fans" is pretty broad. But if you want to know about m/m fans in Western fandom, that's a lot more answerable.

Ye olde slash fandom did have plenty of discussion around queerness. There's a certain style that's much more common in older fic where one of them is really struggling with homophobia and doesn't like the idea of being into men and so does something or other awful to create drama in the fic, and even then, some fans would be like "Then he's an undatable jerk!"

The further back you go in that kind of fandom, the more everyone is a mega-nerd and quite possibly an academic. There are certainly things that are openly talked about today that people were clueless about then (trans issues, for example), but you have to do a lot more kicking now to get someone to read an academic article on average.

I really cannot express how much more default-intellectual this hobby was in the 90s and before.

Here's an example of the sort of thing people were coming up with:

Here's a bunch of early 00s meta:

Here's a fanlore article with a smattering of the many long discussions about Why Slash:

Here's a starting point on some rapey stuff in Pros fandom that people had meta thoughts about:

And a common practice of writing fic to debunk/respond to other people's fic that used to be so overt there was a term for it:

You could also just go through the history of Escapade, the oldest slash con that's still running in 2023, and see what the panel topics were:

--

I'm not sure "social justice" is quite the way to look at this. If you're curious about m/m shippers and misogynist language or treatment of internalized homophobia in fic, that will be covered quite well by things like the above. Plenty of individual fanfic people were involved in AIDS activism because that was everywhere back then. But race stuff? Other kinds of social justice? I don't remember those coming up much.

And of course fans were not eager to be "politically correct". Being involved in slash fandom in the 80s was seen as being a pervert and a purveyor of underground pornography. These were rebels, not pearl-clutching line-toers.

They might have been eager to be pro-gay, but they sure as fuck didn't express it in those namby-pamby terms.

[prose-among-the-trees]

Another DissociaDID post because frankly I’m not done.

Soren can obviously do what he wants (using he/him for the current name because I really don’t feel like starting an argument about whether DD is trans or not. I don’t mind using someone’s preferred name or pronouns.) when it comes to his channel, that goes without saying.

That being said, every single video is the same fucking thing. I as a former fan am frustrated with the same few topics over the past few years. I want a return of his to be genuine, not promise new educational content and be the same horrifying misinformation combined with blaming everyone for his legitimate fuckups.

People cannot genuinely believe that his newest update video was anything but a recap of the entire channel plus a chance to mourn all the fused alters like they died. People cannot genuinely believe that his newest demon alter video wasn’t a ripoff of the videos he promotes constantly, Mara’s intro, Sally and Amira’s nonhuman talk, and the videos about types of alters.

He’s promoting Palestine on TikTok and YouTube shorts when YouTube videos themselves get the most money for them statistically. He could do videos where he isn’t constantly making shameless plugs to his patreon and begging people to watch his trauma and dissociation on there if they’re paying for a certain tier.

This is not fucking did, it’s a joke. The newest video about types of switches is just blatant misinformation, full stop. I’ve now seen didtok making their own switching terms and circulating those. These are not clinical representations of a disorder.

Can we cut the brainrot for a second and admit that DissociaDID is a one man army to dismantle legitimate medical resources and precedents on which DID is founded on?

DissociaDID is a grifter who should have stayed the fuck gone. In case anyone believes I’m being too harsh about this, let’s go over some of the more insidious things this person (single person) has done.

1. Dated Team Piñata, someone who was exposed for drawing and selling art of CP, and begged all the did YouTubers to sweep that little factoid under the rug for the sake of friendship.

2. Fucked up with misinformation SO BADLY that the entire did community believed the terms integration and fusion were interchangeable.

3. Treated fusion like it could be caused by trauma, like alters had fucking died, and encouraged fans to simp over while mourning Kyle.

4. Responded to comments flirting on Mara’s individual account and liked comments from MINORS along with using their main account to tell a 16-17 year old boy that they could work on his GAG REFLEX (he was doing a magic trick and pulling a flower out of his mouth).

5. Told all of YouTube that Reddit was a bunch of predatory sadists who wanted children hurt when we asked him to move mature content to mature platforms like OF so kids couldn’t see that shit.

6. Legitimately steals trauma stories from media (says there’s no introjection there), other YouTubers, and from people who first supported him starting the channel.

7. Is still extorting viewers for the Sergio Costa case that should have ended at least a year ago. He might have started the issue but Soren is continuing to gather legal funding in a cash pool for the next complaint about his channel (can’t sue me I’m anonymous).

8. Posts triggering content to TikTok and when asked to stop blames the viewers and implies they’re bad people or predators.

9. Sends his fans to dox and harass whoever he wants because he can’t take a little legitimate criticism.

10. Subjected viewers to fetish content without their informed consent bc TP had a sneezing fetish (TP also drew CP with this fetish).

11. Blamed the internet for essentially killing Nadia after people called him out on his racist caricature of an Indigenous person.

12. Gave HORRIFIC sex advice for minors to see on how to get into BDSM after trauma. If you can’t say no you can’t have sex. Fuck that entire video.

Defending this person without any critical thinking and doing it blindly is defending everything I’ve stated above.

Fuck DissociaDID and the harm he continuously causes.

Also tagging @tomcatyowls because I know my mutual gets it. You’re a real one.

[nerdygaymormon]

Catching up with Elder Kevin Hamilton

A few days before my trip to Utah, I felt inspired to give Elder Hamilton the book which contains a chapter I wrote. I immediately had an anxiety attack, but went ahead and ordered the book, summoned up my courage, and offered the book to Elder Hamilton.

After explaining the aim of the book, he said he looks forward to it, he likes reading others' perspectives. <whew>

—————————

I mentioned Elder Hamilton's talk at BYU in January and the loud criticism it received. I asked how it felt to experience all that. He spoke about how no speech he's ever given has gotten so much attention, and that he also had people send him encouraging, supportive notes, so all in all it's fine.

—————————

We moved on and the topic of transgender people came up. Elder Hamilton quoted the Handbook that we approach trans people with "an abundance of Christlike love." That's where we start! Err on the side of love, which is the way the Savior was. From there we will sort out any issues.

He mentioned a child who is going through some gender issues, and I replied that if it's a phase, then just let them go through the phase, and if it turns out not to be a phase, then that's that.

The older he gets, the more he concludes that our job is to love everyone unconditionally, to keep the commandments to the best of our abilities, and let God reconcile all things. Everything will be made right through Christ's atonement, every hurt gets healed and every injustice corrected. We should trust that the Lord loves His children.

—————————

Elder Hamilton mentioned that he doesn't see me as an advocate, rather I'm a good listener and a good student of people. I study and observe and I'm not quick to judge. I take the longer view of things with a patience that all will work out.

Elder Hamilton brought up the test in Moroni chapter 7--that which inviteth to do good is of God. Then said that the Lord puts me in places, over and over, where I can make a difference, where I can be a force for good. He sees me try to lift others and to be a blessing to them.

We spoke of Affirmation and my new role being on the Board of Directors. He said this will open a bunch of doors for me as it will introduce me to a bunch of people and a chain of events will naturally occur. He's interested to see what happens.

—————————

Elder Hamilton says that he's heard people say that the Church pushes people out, but that's not what he sees from the Seventy, apostles or First Presidency. He's not wired in at the local level, so maybe there's some of that going on.

I responded that I have a lot of privilege in my stake, I've been in stake callings for 11 years and so I'm pretty well known. Yet I still have to deal with a few situations every year and I gave him a few examples. I know I'm treated well where I live, but these kinds of things still happen.

—————————

Elder Hamilton asked if I'm committed long term to living in Florida. I shared with him how I wound up at the university where I work at because 20 years ago it was one of the few places with partner benefits and I knew I'd be safe if they found out I'm gay. Many advances have taken place since then but it feels like we're going backwards and things are becoming less safe. Those who want to not be nice feel emboldened.

Elder Hamilton commented, "Well, Utah is an option!" and mentioned the Church's support for the Marriage Equality Act and that Salt Lake City is very gay friendly. Elder Hamilton has recently moved and his neighbors across the street are a gay couple and they've become best friends. He & his wife consider them the best neighbors in the world.

—————————

Elder Hamilton asked if I served a mission and I shared the story of praying to know if God could love someone like me, and feeling that I'm loved and "not broken."

He replied that one of the most destructive things people believe is that they are damaged goods, that I am not good enough. That's not true! All are alike unto God--black & white, bond & free, male & female, straight & gay.

—————————

One reason I share on my blog about my encounters with General Authorities is so people can see how I, a gay man, get treated. I also want to share how they talk about queer topics with someone like me.

Mostly we know these people from when they speak in General Conference. They talk about doctrine and policies, and can seem harsh. I'm treated well, even by some who have a reputation for being a hardliner. Only twice have I had a bad experience. One of them mailed me an apology, the other changed his behavior and we've become friends.

[quibbs126]

You know sometimes I get notifications for older posts, and I look at them, and they were just so much better constructed. Not only that, but people would actually respond to what I have to say, or at least semi engage with me

What happened to me?

Honestly I think part of it is the rut. My brain is running on nothing, no new content, or at least nothing new that I’ll actually do anything with. It makes it all worse

And of course, there’s the fact that I always get worse as time goes on. When I was younger I used to be actually functioning, and now look at me

Also my posts just aren’t good. What the hell am I even talking about anymore? I just say random stuff that doesn’t make any sense. I barely even talk about Cookie Run anymore, which is what most of you came for. Quite honestly, I think it’s because my brain wants new prospects, but at the same time I can’t give it up because of how relatively easy and stable it is for me to consume, and how many people there are to engage with in the fandom. I’m not that interested anymore, but I can’t leave either. Well I mean, I still like the games, or at least I’m still engaged with Kingdom and Ovenbreak’s stories (admittedly I’ve been very much skimping on the other two), but I think my brain wants to move on to greener pastures, but at the same time it’s still stuck here because leaving would be bad

Maybe in the long run, Cookie Run really was bad for me. Ruined my ability to draw anything non-Cookie, and it left me in this state. Or it’s just my own fault. Probably that

I also think maybe I’ve gotten too comfortable with saying whatever thought pops into my head in a post, regardless of if there’s an actual point to it or not

I know the answer to it all is that I’m probably burnt out and I should take a break, probably from tumblr in general for a start. But like, I can’t do that

This is really my only platform to speak how I want to speak, and about the topics I actually want to talk about, with fandoms and video games and the like. In all other avenues like my dorm group chat or work, I have to talk about normal people things like the real world and things there. And the only person I can talk to about series, the things I actually enjoy and want to talk about, I can now only talk to about these things for around 1-2 hours once a week, and there’s far from any guarantee she’ll know what I’m talking about, unlike here where at least someone probably has also engaged with the content I have and knows what I’m talking about. This is the only place where I’m assured that people are on the same page as me and want to talk about the things I want to talk about. I can’t just leave, because then I’d be even more alone with my thoughts than I already am

And I can’t do anything about the other burnout sources in my life, like college or maybe work, because I have college and work to do, along with trying to not mess things up this semester. I do not have time to waste doing nothing, because time is always moving, life is always demanding something of me and I don’t have time to argue, I just have to keep going because that is life, always moving

And breaks do not help me unwind. If anything they make it worse because I need something to think about but have nothing, and I end up feeling bad about wasting that free time that I’ve wasted, and it simultaneously feels like no time has passed and too much time has passed. They just leave me craving the monotony again

*sigh*I don’t know. None of you probably care anyways. I should probably just delete a bunch of the posts I’ve made recently. They probably weren’t good anyways

[wakeupthemembersofbylernation]

who is cherrypraline? who is raccoon advocate? and what is with the leaks? I've gone for 10 days and now I can't understand the byler tag now😔 please explain to me

Hey! So cherrypraline is a notorious troll who appeared on the Byler tag last summer. She always acted erratically and chaotically and was very publicly anti-Byler. One of her most famous actions was making a “Byler shit list” where she listed the names of several prominent Bylers at the time including @will80sbyers I believe and said they were all part of a cult. It was wild times, and it was so over the top that you couldn’t take her seriously because she was clearly a troll and it was even somewhat funny at times. She also posted a bunch of “leaks” at the time, and I don’t remember the specifics, but as many on this tag have pointed out, most of them were very false. I think there were some that turned out to be correct, but these were the ones that came from Reddit and not ones she secured herself.

As part of her trolling, she would break up her anti-Byler posting by occasionally saying pro Byler things or things against Milkvan, which made people very confused and contributed to no one really understanding where she was coming from. Sometimes she would say that she wanted to be a Byler but Byler was unrealistic. Other times she would say that Will was toxic. All these things made her quite an infamous and controversial figure, but it certainly made a name for herself. And then, like most of the chaos of summer 2022, she disappeared entirely.

Recently she returned, which caused more confusion since she was a blast from the past AND many of the people on the tag currently weren’t around during the height of trolling or forgot how crazy she really was.

To make matters more confusing, she now claimed to be a Byler and to have changed her ways! She posted, “Mike Wheeler is straight? Tell him that” which got a lot of reblogs on here, from myself included. She stood against the sloppy second anons. She posted thoughtful takes overall, and while she still had her trolling vibe, the energy definitely was different. She said she was frustrated by the homophobia she saw on the Reddit. She was one of us now! Or so she claimed. Even with this changed heart and brand new cherrypraline, she still occasionally said some confusing and contradictory stuff. She even said, and I’m paraphrasing, “Let’s face it. Byler is boring compared to the other ships, and I say this as a Byler. No one would ship it if there wasn’t mystery built into it and if people didn’t want M1leven gone.” But overall, she had changed.

Recently, there have been rumors spreading in the ST fandom of “leaks,” but mostly it’s been people asking about the so-called leaks instead of posting them. I think some fake ones have been circulating, as well as someone who apparently has been right before saying they sadly saw a spoiler/leak but not posting the actual leak. It would seem that in the midst of all this, cherrypraline seized the opportunity to make herself the main character of the tag and insert herself into the chaos. She claimed to have received new leaks, which covered a wide range of topics on S5, and in terms of Byler vs. Milkvan, she claimed the situation was still murky and ambiguous with Mike still dating El but the show hinting at Mike liking Will. She also said something about a Call Me By Your Name ending. I’m simplifying things, but that’s the gist.

Many Bylers called her out as the troll she has always been, but since she had “changed her ways,” many Bylers believed her. People started sending her asks about her “leaks” and she kept responding to them, saying she had gotten them from a mysterious “source.” On and on this discourse went. Now of course she did this last summer, and her leaks were wrong. But cherrypraline gaslit us and said, “No, my leaks weren’t wrong. And I am not a troll.” She also compared herself to the infamous anti-Byler villain swiftlynatalia and said that while SN was an idiot, she still was right about many things.

Finally, @raccoon-advocate (a Byler blog on here) finished quietly gathering receipts that exposed her inconsistency even further. These receipts can be found here. They showed that not only was cherrypraline a low-level troll, she had said some extremely homophobic things in the past, and she wasn’t the gay ally and proud-Ronance supporter she claimed to have always been. They also raised new questions about her age, since her Tumblr account said she was 19, but in a tweet she made last year, she claimed to be 31. So which one is it? What are cherrypraline’s real beliefs? And what will she do next? It seems like we’ll never know the answer, cause shortly after this incriminating exposé, she deactivated her account. May she rest in peace.

[practically-an-x-man]

1, 4, 5, 22, 26, 42, 44, 48 for Quinn and Gia

Thank you!!

Specific But Helpful Character Asks

What’s the lie your character says most often?

Quinn: Good old "I'm fine". She's rarely ever "fine" - she's always in pain, jealous of the people who aren't in pain, and pushing herself too hard in an attempt to keep pace.

Gia: She gives out fake names at coffee shops and similar places, since she's paranoid that HYDRA could still be tracking her. Logically it wouldn't matter what name she uses, if they're tracking her that's not going to stop them, but it still makes her uncomfortable to hear her name shouted out in a crowded room of strangers.

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

Quinn: Parkour!! She'd do anything to get back to it

Gia: I feel like she'd really be the Ren Faire type - full historical outfits, elaborate improv with the hired crew, one year she even made a bunch of flower crowns and gave them out. She fell out of it after HYDRA, since there's no faires close enough to the city to warrant leaving her shop and she can't enjoy it with all the anxiety that crops up. (okay maybe this is just an excuse for her and Kate to go to a Ren Faire together since I think that would be so fun)

5. Can they cry on command? If so, what do they think about to make it happen?

Quinn: No. The only time she ever really cries is out of pain, and even then it's rare. She's really not a big crier.

Gia: If she really had to, she probably could - by thinking about the worst of her time in HYDRA, or the fact that her brother's probably still grieving her because she's too afraid to get back in touch. It's not exactly a skill she's practiced, though.

22. What simple activity that most people do / can do scares your character?

Quinn: Going down stairs. Going up stairs is fine most of the time, but going down stairs is both more painful and more dangerous, and she's anxious at the thought of putting her weight down wrong and tumbling all the way down.

Gia: Vacations, even day-trips like going to a zoo or museum in the city. She's got a lot of anxiety about being separated from her clover, so she rarely leaves her shop for longer than is strictly necessary.

26. How would they respond to being fired by a good boss?

Quinn: Hates authority with a burning passion, so no boss is ever a "good boss". Whatever she did to get fired, she probably deserved it, so she just goes out- though she nabs a few things on her way out and flips off the security cameras.

Gia: She's self-employed, but if she were in that situation she'd probably keep her composure just long enough to get back to her apartment and then spend an hour or two crying.

42. If invited to a TED Talk, what topic would they present on? What would the title of their presentation be?

Quinn: She's more likely to pick something completely at random and just bullshit her way through until someone tries to call her out on it. There are topics she could legitimately present on, but where's the fun in that?

Gia: Something to do with botany or flowers - maybe a discussion on why grass lawns are detrimental to the environment, and what alternatives are healthier for the native flora and pollinators?

44. What language would be easiest for them to learn? Why?

Quinn: Hm... I like to think that she picked up a bit of Punjabi from one of her nurses, while she was in that long stint in the hospital - he knew she got uncomfortable with the needles, treatments, etc. and would teach her words and phrases in Punjabi as a distraction. If she put her mind to learning it fully, she's already got a bit of a head start.

Gia: Greek. She doesn't speak Greek herself, but her family is ethnically Greek and she's heard it spoken here and there growing up.

48. Who would they say ‘yes’ to if invited to do something they abhorred / strongly didn’t want to do?

Quinn: Honestly... nobody. In theory, Billy, but he knows her well enough that he wouldn't ask her to do those things in the first place.

Gia: Unless it involves her physical health or safety... she's a bit of a pushover, and would say yes to just about anyone who puts up a convincing argument.

[syekick-powers]

4, 16, 25, 27 for sylvus and cenryx?

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

sylvus: sylvus did enjoy dancing as a kid but saleth made fun of him for "looking stupid" when doing so which caused sylvus to stop dancing unless he was completely by himself.

cenryx: singing. he enjoyed it as a kid but after Some Bullshit in his backstory he had a. lot of voice dysphoria. he kind of speech therapy'd himself into talking a certain way, but can't quite get his singing voice to have the same timbre, so as a result he does not like singing unless he's completely by himself.

16. What kinds of people do they have arguments with in their head?

sylvus: literally any time someone even MENTIONS saleth sylvus starts having an argument with them in his head. takes almost NO provocation to start sylvus onto a yelling-at-saleth-in-his-head screed.

cenryx: definitely imagines yelling at people in the seers who fucked with his self esteem. esp darnell.

25. What subject / topic do they know a lot about that’s completely useless to the direct plot?

sylvus: tbh i feel like sylvus has a LOT of random knowledge tidbits floating around in his brain that are useless to the plot. but the one that comes to mind the most is geology/gemology. turns out that living in a cave housing a wholeass minor god means that you start to learn how to identify different Cool Rocks that pop up. plus it helps him value the jewelry he steals from rich ppl.

cenryx: cenryx is very Autistic about locks. like yeah he knows about lockpicking bc he's has some rogue levels but he's not just like. knows about lockpicking and that's it. he's just very knowledgeable about different types of locks in general and is INCREDIBLY picky about where he purchases the MANY locks he uses to secure all his belongings in his house. like in a modern setting he'd be the kind of person who watches every single video by the lockpicking lawyer and heckles the creators of whatever lock the guy opens like he's watching people play sports or smth.

27. What’s the worst gift they ever received? How did they respond?

sylvus: when he was like a preteen saleth got him the most garbage ass shit tier baby's first sketchbook-ass sketchbook ever for sylvus's birthday. like the paper was garbage. sylvus could immediately tell that saleth was forced by inaldin to spend some amount of their allowance on getting sylvus a birthday gift and that saleth had then subsequently gone for the cheapest and shittiest possible option. he burned it a few nights after his birthday after writing a bunch of Curses at saleth in it.

cenryx: probably when cenryx was a kid and his dad got him a cookbook. at that point cenryx had already basically become parentified despite being an only child (tfw you have to raise yourself) and cenryx took the gift as "you're gonna have to keep cooking for both of us whether you want to or not <3 enjoy having to fend for yourself AND take care of your parental figure!!!"

[the-firebird69]

This guy gets hauled in all the time I want to make sure that it's worth it to us and he had a son and daughter-in-law assigned someone to him to make sure it gets done and he says I have that already and we are doing it oh good and it smiles and says I'm telling him later and it's working for me and it's good so they are doing it but we want armies and he says I got to Army's nobody is thinking means globally to take this entire group down and not just maintain overseas if you know what I mean and he got a little disconcerted and said we're doing that. And then I said this I want real armies and you know what I mean he does this over here we make him pay for it cuz he's saying all this stuff like it doesn't matter so I can find out what matters and your son and daughter-in-law said good we're going to do that and they are doing it and it's the first born. And would bring along now and going along now doing the work and we're going to make sure it happens and we're going to do it now I'll but boy, these people are annoying and we're going to start it up and get rid of them wouldn't want to paint and she can get money from them when they're gone and that's how we're going to get the car here they're the ones in the way

And there's more on this topic these two losers you can hear sirens and usually it's them the whole town hates them and they keep doing their stuff and won't stop and took tons of stuff from them and trying to use the same stuff to try and stop them from getting their things out and their they're failing. How's the eastern hemisphere out of the Eastern hemisphere they lost tons of stuff recently it's up to 55% emptied out and in the Western hemisphere last night they got up to about 45% people have traced where Trump took well 30% of each roughly which is most of it and he was disguised and they took it to New Zealand and they took it to his City areas and they're being attacked and it's getting bigger now that's why we're mentioning it tells people hate this piece of s*** and they're sending back what he says because I don't know what to do it's so hateful they make them want to kill them and let's say go in there and kill them and where can we live now so we're raising armies to get rid of this a****** plan and it's a step but we have to take it and they're rancid what a horrible bunch of s*** what is Starbucks I didn't say anything to the face how do you get the f*** out of my face or I'm going to have you kill you can talk to all that s*** you talk but you're going to die and then it started smacking the lips and saying s*** so the way I'll just remember what I said and now they remembering it some of them and they're saying he's having a killed because you're stupid that's right and you're next to that guy is a truck some stupid things. And that's how they respond they decided a bunch of places so people are going after them and getting rid of them and it's kind of funny because he says to John and rainbow Lord do you think this is fake like you're in a fake weapons business because you're a weak-minded person you think that you really don't die stupid and he's trying to say this is the wrong thing for me to do and stuff so why would be the wrong thing you want to die this is your way out you're obscene and your actions are fanatically hilariously stupid you're not going to make it you can lose you can't lose a s*** there's nothing else to say our son says you're a f****** idiot I don't want near me and here you are coming near me so I'm going to get rid of you and your idiot kids permanently I don't care for any of you stupid f****** morons yeah that's the job you're doing but hey who cares I don't care if you're clan likes it or not you're done. You should realize what you're doing to yourself Dave next door you're killing yourself you should realize it so you can shut your f****** mouth if you can't we're going to handle it for you by getting rid of you stupid s*** how's your brain trauma you f****** moron. There's this goes on like once a day now he says don't do that we're going to kill you you just died here you died here then it started up again. Can I tell you they do the slightest thing here to him if they get it by they start doing it to the guys and over and over and they don't know anything they're saying and they're dumb.

We have more to say we need to get work done

Thor Freya

I've had enough of you Mike could you good Hugh you're out there on the huge list of zombies when you said you'd never be cuz you're such a man and you're stupid you're bothering the s*** out of us all the time and your stuff is blasphemous to the max we need you out and I'm voting for you out

Bg

I'm voting for them to get out too

Bja

Me too

Jenna

There's no reason to keep them here everybody wants them out and I'm feeling a lot of pressure to push them out and people don't want to do the right thing so it's hard to get them out but I want them out too

Stan

The stinks are horrible they're idiots and they won't stop doing dumb things to people around here that are very illegal I don't want to die or lose my life because they're stupid and horrible people that should have been killed because they're so horrible and that's what they are they should have been killed in westborough and I know who to talk to and I'm going to put in my phone

Missy

These people are dog s*** especially these two and I use them to do a lot of stuff everyday I'm exposing things and doing what I want and people around here to spent or something can't tell what I'm doing. That's why I figure out what Trump's doing just say that I'm making him do stuff and ask what it is but he's a coolest person and this guy Dan is clueless and I'm getting away with all sorts of things you'll find out about too late and who cares about your Giants just fleshy crap and the max know about it and stupid s*** that these idiots start talking about they can't withstand the radiation just like they're little. And really gross things happen chunks of them are missing huge huge mess of insects inside them it's gross I mean you don't want to be there dumb piece of s*** and yeah there's a few areas where they're eaten by Kaiju and the Giants that you'll see you won't be able to tell what to do it and who they are just like these people right

Zues Hera

We've had enough of you assholes he's right you're bothering us for stupid s*** all the time having $5 cuz he's an idiots here but you morons have been doing it I'm sick of you it feels like this so you're going to mess you up these people are going to be dead you're trying to do your things without cover your little mini stuff your baby stuff and you're a little girls you're going to get killed doing it more often. We do need to reach that point quickly. How was the line of my face I want them out of my face and we need to have a meeting another one he wants armies and we want to see what those armies are and how we can help and what we need to get together

Hera

We're going to do this now as far as the process we should have done earlier but we need to get over some things and use them up as cover and it works

And just ours now a few days Saturday will return to the solar system our side of it and we shall see it groups of idiots going nuts and we have a lot of people to take care of and we got to get ready there's only four days left and then they are going to be within few yeah moons and Saturn and yeah the idiots go around there with us and they don't do very well and people know that too most of them are dead when they go around there

Thor Freya

Olympus

[xbadnews]

A   :   AFFECTION.   how does your muse show affection?

first of all, i want to preface this with how hard it is for percy to be comfortable showing affection. he craves it, he wants to show it but it's not something that comes naturally to him. so when he gets to a point where he's doing these things, you are someone incredibly important to him & he values you beyond the day he's living in.

i absolutely think that percy is a pebbler. it starts out as very much a ' this made me think of you so i picked it up ' kind of thing. that's one of the easiest ways to show affection for percy. it's something he can give to someone & dash away if they reject it, he can usually gauge whether or not they appreciate & sort of temper his expectation of them in that regard. i almost think it's a mentality of ' if they respond well to this, they'll respond well to the next step of affection' if that makes sense?

when it becomes a casual thing he tries to show in passing. i think specifically w/ vox machina he'll clean up after small messes that are left behind, keep the windows & curtains clean, buy incense & flowers to keep their environment nice to exist in. i think though percy prefers a tidy environment, it's not necessarily his priority when he's on his own. he'll complain about it but there is still this sentiment of ' i want the space i share w/ my friends to be a nice space because they deserve that ' where on his own it would be more of a ' i will clean when i accomplish this, this & this ... then i can treat myself to a clean environment ' if that makes sense?

i think a huge part of percy's love language is reflecting what the people around him need as well. i have a post somewhere detailing my headcanons about him having bpd but i am highlighting a part super relevant to this topic

a lot of Percy's love language is reflecting what people need out of him. it's part of why he's so quick to get into a crazy ritual with a bunch of friendly strangers, why he doesn't hesitate to give them all of his money. because that is what they are interested in & doing & he wants to be a part of that whether or not it aligns with goals he's otherwise set for himself.

there is almost this feeling of ' if i am useful, it shows that i care ' if that makes any sort of sense? so this is a clear, defined way he can show he cares. again, it's something he would view as passive affection. i think part of this perception has to do with him having very limited experience caring for people on any level beyond immediate. so he looks at what they need immediately & try to be that...

i want to say as he gets more comfortable with someone, he becomes a lot more comfortable with physical affection. it's something he craves, whether it's on a romantic or platonic level. hugging, holding hands, sharing snacks, just sharing a personal space bubble.

i don't think percy always realizes right away when he crosses the platonic/romantic threshold in his mind? so when it does, he's still hugging, holding hands, sharing snacks, ect. but his hands start to linger, it's a little harder to be casual about it. it's basically him going ' benormalbenormalbenormal ' at himself while also holding your hand like it's the only thing tethering him to this world. also, of course, pet names.

i think when it comes to romantic affection he gets a lot more panicky & a lot more impulsive because of that. he's an impulsive guy as is but i feel like he takes butterflies in his stomach as a challenge because when he cares about someone on that level, he's always afraid & he's unwilling to let fear deter him.

to sum it all up i feel like percy shows a lot of passive affection in caring for shared environments, adapting to be whatever flavor of useful he thinks is necessary & gift giving. though it takes him a moment to warm up to physical affection he's super comfortable with it on a platonic level & on a romantic level he gets a little bit crazy about it. in either context, he just likes to share a personal space bubble with his loved ones once he trusts them enough to do so.

[afr0-thunder]

[Disrespectful Replies Pt. 1]

Starting a new tag series. I will be responding to the latest controversial/idiotic topics or thoughts I come across. Starting with height.

“If I was 6’_, I would’ve went to *insert pro league*.”

No you wouldn’t. Team USA just got their ass handed to them by Team Germany which consists of what looks like a bunch of white dudes and 5’11 Africans. Also, you still should be able to shoot at whatever height. Remember, there are FEMALE basketball players standing at about 5’6. You just either aren’t athletic or can’t shoot. Also, you’ve clearly never experienced the strength difference of a growth spurt. It’s like 10,000 bricks to 1 free throw.

“I’m only short because my dad made me like this.”

I’m about to have all my baby mommas be short to debunk this bullshit. How does it prove anything? You only need one tall gene to accomplish this. It’s also because BOTH your parents are short, dumbass. Your genetics are assigned based on necessity in comparison to the opposing genetic. Meaning the genetics you have fit BEST with the ones you get from the opposite parent. Example: Long legs, small feet. Sounds ridiculous right? How is that best for survival? DUMB ASS THOUGHTS. My father and I are 3 inches taller than my 6’0 grandfather. My other grandfather is about 6’0 or just under. It is possible for an individual to be taller than their parent (or same as). It just has to be the best genetic combination. You all are idiots. Also, some of you aren’t strong enough (NATURALLY, dumbass) to support the weight of the human body, if tall. In addition to this, are you aware taller people (statistically) live shorter lives? Some of us are already dead. Genetics are about strength and survival. Not the life you wanted. Life is not supposed to boost your mental strength into forming an ego because of your genetics or physical strength to allow you to become a bitter villain. Adding, joint pains are not typically a short person issue.

“It’s because they’re tall.”

There are fat, skinny, ugly, pretty, athletic, non-athletic tall people. Have you watched sports? Someone has to be the loser. Not all tall people luck up in the gene pool. Some of us are just average talent wise or looks wise, even below. Taller people do not receive special treatment. Those over 6’0 are taller than over 80% of the world and 90% at 6’2. We do not receive special treatment. We are not approachable. We are not well liked, other than when envied.

These are not issues. It is just not something to complain about from the outside looking in (short). Not every instance of being tall is as great as you believe…better than climbing on counters and complaining though. In the modern world, you may benefit more from your situation. The world feels you are approachable. The world FEELS they can manipulate you based on your size, take advantage (employment). As opposed to us being consciously or subconsciously assessed right away. The world is majority money focused today, so in a world where you are seen as a better option, in whatever way. Stop looking at unique opportunities like sports, “success” and “relationships” as a privilege we have over others. In sports, we can’t ALL make the roster in professional sports. We can’t ALL be the best. We can’t ALL have the absolute best opportunities. We can’t have all our problems solved by seeing over crowds and refrigerators.

The world is unique. What is the difference? Every life has it’s challenges. Shut the fuck up. You have never experienced SHIT. Not even in your own life. What do you know about being successful in someone else’s life?

EDIT: 6’0 or under is short (to me). The 5’10-5’11 mafia complains so much about “feeling” short/not tall enough that I have to consider them as short as everybody 5’3-5’9. Shit is ridiculous.

[chillychive]

Thanks for the tag @noworneverphantom !

Are you named after anyone?

My legal name, nope. I was a double rainbow baby and came after 2 deaths in the family so my parents wanted something totally new for me. My chosen (soon to be legal!!!:D) name, is accidentally sort of after a character I love and relate to a lot. I was reading and someone called out the main character, by last name, and I suddenly had this “yea! I’m here!” Moment and I was like wait why did I respond to that-HOLY SHIT I FOUND MY NAME. It’s a funny origin story for sure. My middle name is up for debate still, but if I don’t keep my birth one, I’m going to change it to follow a family naming scheme that I think is hilarious and a good way to subtly follow family tradition.

When was the last time you cried?

Several weeks ago. Honestly, I wish I cried more. It’s very hard for me to cry. I saw the milky way for the first time and just started sobbing. I cried for nearly an hour, just kneeling and staring up at the sky. That may have been the first time i understood that tears aren’t always sad.

Do you have kids?

Nope. I’m too young and despite adoring small little children a lot, I’m not sure I’d ever want kids of my own. I’d be too scared to mess them up. I feel like I could be quite the good parent too, but I couldn’t deal with the stress. Maybe adopting, tho. I’m sure as hell not giving birth. Ever.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I used to be really sarcastic, but I’ve stopped using it as much now. I’m trying to use more positive language and open myself up more to people, and stopping being sarcastic except when I’m parroting back to my friends to show them how insane whatever they’re doing is (I have a bunch of workaholics that somehow adopted me that I often need to stop before they work themselves to death) has helped me a lot to do that.

What sports do/have you played?

Hm. Currently nothing, but I’ve done a lot of odd sports. Probably my most normal is volleyball, which I got pretty good at but I struggled with the people part of team sports and got bored. Before that, I did competitive archery (I wasn’t great, I didn’t practice a lot but I got my 250 pin at my last comp before my coach retired), and swim team (my first summer I was amazing at it, my most recent I sucked so bad but at least I can say with confidence that I have a very strong back stroke).

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Their demeanor. I study people a lot (I’m very much the quiet kid who watches everything), and how they carry themselves and how they interact with others is usually the first thing I notice. Their general vibe.

What’s your eye color?

Good question. When I was little they were bright blue and they’ve gotten a bit darker as I’ve grown but still very blue. As I grew up tho, this yellow-green color spread from the inside (no, not jaundice I checked) and now they can look blue, grey or green depending on lighting. I wear glasses, sadly, so I can’t show off how weird my eyes are, but they are very weird, and kinda pretty.

Scary movies or happy ending?

I avoid scary movies at all costs. Me & my ocd brain cannot handle that. I have a very low tolerance for fear. Happy endings are kinda lame and I love screwing over the main characters at the end, but if I had to pick one or the other, happy endings by a long shot.

Any special talents?

I have random knowledge on many odd things, thanks to being a compulsive researcher and internet access. I have a double jointed toe, and jaw (idk either tbh). I can overthink my way into any situation. I can recognize any plant native to my area (edible plants phase when I was 11). I have abt 50% of needed knowledge on most topics. I know most basic codes and often will geek out and learn more. I’m not 100% accurate but I’ll definitely recognize and mostly understand how to solve most basic ciphers. Im also very good at crafts, especially yarn. I am uniquely talented at unraveling balls of tangled yarn.

Where were you born?

In a laboratory where they bred sentient capybaras. Interpret that how u wish. (/nsrs)

What are your hobbies?

Taking on too big projects, writing, drawing, painting, digital art, harassing my friends, singing, piano, rpg, Minecraft, basket making, there’s probably more but I can’t think.

Do you have any pets?

Not unless you count my sibling.

How tall are you?

5’11” im tall lol

Favorite subject in school?

Dang these questions keep getting harder. First you want to know about the lab I was made in, now my favorite school subject?! Probably government, or choir. Choir is my safe space, def my favorite place in school, and the teacher is amazing. Government is fascinating and has a great teacher. In theory, English, but in practice the class is either boring or stressful (basically me going from “ha this is beneath me I’m rlly good at writing” to “oh fuck they actually expect me to *write* things”), so I’m not a huge fan.

Dream Job?

I wouldn’t mind a painfully repetitive job as long as they don’t mind me listening to music/a podcast while I work. But I suppose that’s not a dream job. Perhaps a writer for a sci-fi show. Maybe even Star Trek or Star Wars. It would be fun to have something long running to play with. That would be a good use of my wide skill range and love of space and creating worlds. Or getting to create and mold my own show in that sort of realm to make something truly new (aka sci-Fi as I see it, which seems to disagree with a lot of current creators or sci-fi stories) and getting to watch it unfold would be so beautiful. Watching the worlds I’ve sculpted on spreadsheets and very complicated Google slides explode onto the screen, with all of their mess and people and joy and weird little critters and imaginative ways to make it more realistic would be the most amazing thing. I’d have a hard time not picking up the actors and just going “MY BABY, I MADE YOU!”

On that very weird note, I’m going to tag some people and go to bed. @sadmushroomgoblin @doublemegative @wantmeifyouwantme @dragons-in-spaceee @twincityhacker

(Sry for the double tag, Ik @noworneverphantom already tagged a lotta y’all)

[stonewallsposts]

16 personalities questions

I recently put up a post about something I've come across called Human Design, wondering if it was essentially a new-age version of the personality tests. While I was rummaging around in a folder at work I found some of our notes from a few years ago when we were brainstorming ideas. Part of that process was trying to assign personality assessments to the characters we were writing about, and then seeing who among us might have the closest personality to the characters as we had defined them. In this way, it might be useful to pick the brains of anyone who was close to a specific personality type to see how they might react in certain situations. We all took the personality tests from 16personalities.com.  

I ended up with ENFP-A - the assertive campaigner. (I had to look that up- it was posted in July 4 2019)  But....in the percentages, I came out as:  61% extravert (mind)  51% intuitive (energy)  54% feeling (nature)  56% prospecting (tactics)  51% assertive (identity) 

As you can see, I'm pretty much in the middle. But as I was answering the questions, it's just a simple "where on a 7 point spectrum do you fall" answer. But I thought I'd take some time and answer these in some more depth. Given how close I am to the center, I imagine I could take this on four different days and come up with four different results. 

These are the questions/statements from 16 personalities, here goes. 

You regularly make new friends 

I make friends pretty easily. I feel like I'm a pretty open person, so I'll start talking with people and relatively quickly be able and ready to share details about my life. Apparently there are some people who are put off by this. I've had people ask me sarcastically: What? Are you writin' a book? So I guess I crossed over a line with them, but at that point I just stop asking them any more questions. Most people are pretty open in return. I did have the feeling with one brother at church awhile back that he thought I was oversharing... I suppose I was if he thought so. There's probably an art to reading people better that I don’t know about that would help me grasp when to share and when not to.  

For the most part, I think people respond well to me. I hope they can sense right off that I'm asking questions, or sharing, in earnest, and they reciprocate.  

I suppose a distinction would be in order though: I talk to new people easily, but that doesn't necessarily make them my friend. Being friends with someone would mean more than just breaking the ice, but actually doing things with that person.  

We have had some work functions where we've invited people from other business to the office. I'm happy to meet and talk with people there, and as much as you can call consistent conversation partners 'friends', I've achieved that. 

I feel like I'm friends with many of the people at our office. 

But if I were to think about how many people I actually regularly spend time with, it's a much lower number. So maybe I don't "regularly make new friends". Then again, who has like... a hundred people they regularly hang out with... and constantly add more friends as they go? I doubt many people do... we just don't have THAT much time. So maybe I'm back to "Yes. I regularly make new friends." 

I suppose that's why I'm spending some time processing some of these questions a little more deeply.  

In summary, I regularly meet new people, and am friendly to them. Do they really count as friends? Probably not, but I'm not really sure who would regularly make friends in that way, so yes, I think I do. 

2. You spend a lot of your free time exploring various random topics that pique your interest 

Uh, yes, an inordinate amount of time. This happens to me all the time. I get interested in something and then I want to know something about it, and I launch off trying to teach myself. It's probably the reason I read so much. 

But as an example, my son and I have had a bunch of political discussions. He is on the opposite side of the spectrum as I am, and regularly refers to people on my side as a slur. Of course both sides do this. Conservatives tend to think leftists are all some level of socialist/communist, and progressives think anyone on the right is a fascist. This got me to thinking that I don’t really know anything about fascism, and while I considered myself a socialist in college, I still didn't know all that much about that either. So I decided to start reading. 

I've done this with a bunch of languages, having started into: Italian, Spanish, Portuguese, Hebrew, Greek, Russian, Romanian, German, Arabic, and Latin at one time or another.  

I've looked into history, philosophy, theology, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism... I used to watch documentaries on countries I didn't know anything about while I was doing brainless work. I'll read about things and then follow rabbit trails looking for information on them. In short, yeah, I spend a fair amount of my free time exploring various random topics that pique my interest. 

[marissapaul]

12/20 day 5: Modernity and Dis-Membering

i'm going to start off with an album recommendation again. i find that i have been more intentional about the music that i listen to this past year. i respond deeply to music and it has the power to guide and exacerbate the mood that i am in. before i recognized this i would feed into manic spirals with a bunch of sad music, but now that i am aware of it, i am able to set soundtracks for my life based on the mood i'm in or the mood i'd like to achieve. anyways, this is the album that felt right to listen to while doing the readings for today

since we're reflecting on spirituality in this course (especially Black and African) this felt like a good album to put on. kpop has burst into the mainstream in recent years and with it has come conversations about cultural appropriation and how kpop is just Black music and performance from the early 2000s turned up to an 11. because of this, and because kpop artists aren't always aware of this intellectual legacy, there have been some not so great and outright anti-Black moments in kpop but RM is a strong example of how to take inspiration from Black artistry without appropriating it or being disrespectful. if you take a look at the features on this album there are people like erykah badu, anderson paak and it is because RM really is about the culture. he is a lover of art and the meaning behind art and he does so in such a respectful way and i think he is a great role model for other kpop artists. the album was released recently and it is a meditation on his twenties which are drawing to a close. it's about his connection to art and color and community and growth and friendship and himself and it's just a great listen.

anyways, to the topic of the day! i really enjoyed today's readings, they were right up my alley as a historian so i found some comfortability in reading through them. penalizing vodou was a particularly powerful piece because it hits on a lot of important topics for me. the first is the demographic makeup of the gendarmerie (military personnel). you can tell a lot about a state's (in the macro sense) intentions by the way that they structure their institutions. for this force to consist of military leaders, enlisted, and just generally uninformed white dudes, we are able to clear that the United States' intentions were violent from the beginning. in the same way that police in the united states are instigators and make every situation more tense, we see the same thing happening in the united states' imperialistic endeavours. sending a cop to someone's house while they're having a manic episode isn't going to deescalate things with empathy and understanding, it's going to put the person on even higher alert. the same thing happens with the policing of religious practices. you wouldn't send a policemen to a church to make sure things are running smoothly, so why would you send a military man to a foreign nation if your intentions are not violent.

i thought it was interesting that the soldiers stationed in haiti prided themselves on supposedly being able to distinguish between ritual and secular drumming. this is, of course, an invisible enemy. in the same way that queerness or leftist thought does not have a phenotype, the cadence of drums can be any number of things in any number of situations. but an authority figure claiming that they can distinguish between the two allows for them to police with supposed legitimacy and there were almost assuredly cases where they raided a secular gathering that they interpreted as religious and vice versa.

i was more interested in part two of the chapter which described the material effects of such policing, and the ways in which practitioners of vodou got around the system. it made me think of this tik tok that i saw earlier

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRq2c1JE/

the video is a popular disabled creator stitching a video of a woman trying to get her tubes tied and being questioned about it by her doctor. the creator stitching the video goes on to lay out how much of the american healthcare system is based on eugenics and that if you're a black woman wanting to get your tubes tied, that if you just tell your doctors that your family has a history of disability that they will consent to the surgery so quickly. we see this same thing happening on haiti in this book. and this haitian tradition of gaming the system was by no means a new one, it is the same strategy that enslaved persons working in haiti used to subvert white surveillance far before things coalesced into the haitian revolution. but here i thought it was interesting that white authorities would seek out religious leaders for positions of power because of how much sway they already held in the community but then that pursuit of unearned access to a community got thrown back in their faces. chef's kiss. i think this also makes clear the complicated nature of social change. in this case, it was important that practitioners of vodou had people in the system as a stopgap and safety measure. even though the goal is liberation and a world in which they might practice without fear, it was important to have people in positions of power within the existing power structures so that they might protect while they worked towards a greater liberation.

midnight scenes got me thinking about my own place as a historian of gender. in the reading the author talks a lot about how vodou was, in part, what formed an evolving justification for white supremacy. "individually and collectively, public voodoo narratives evinced for white publics the primitive, oppositional blackness on which constructions of their own racial identities relied" (p. 769). this is not my first encounter with this type of idea, my mind is drawn to Edward Said's Orientalism, L. Heidenreich's Nepantla Squared, Kathleen Brown's Good Wives, Nasty Wenches, and Anxious Patriarchs, and Natalie Molina's Fit to be Citizens? which tell a similar story of othering. for in order to assert white supremacy, they have to denote something as less than and this has happened in so many ways across so many countries and ethnicities. Orientalism is about the creation of a "western" identity, Nepantla Squared is about the creation of whiteness and gender norms, Good Wives is about colonial gender hierarchies in which white women found themselves significantly higher on the totem pole than Black women (enslaved or otherwise), and Fit to be Citizens? is about the los angeles health department in the 19th century and the ways in which they decided what was a healthy body through violence against chinese, japanese, and mexican immigrants, and endemic indigenous people/californios. i appreciate this new piece of the puzzle and it has been this academic journey that has changed the way i position myself as a historian. when i first got to grad school i wanted to be a strictly transgender historian but when i unpack why i want to write about transgender people it is because i am in love with the ways in which they exhibit/feel/perform gender outside of the normative. but as i began to get more pieces of the puzzle, i began to realize that the ways in which non-white texans were racialized and used to create a normative ideas of gender against which 'proper' white masculinity and femininity could be constructed. there is complication with using anachronistic terms here, but "cisgender" Black and brown folks have been living non-normative gendered lives since the age of exploration and far before. i love each of the books mentioned above for similar reasons that i love transgender historical subjects and thus i have begun to view myself as more of a historian of gender rather than as a historian of transgender people.

sacred crimes was particularly powerful for me. i love the sound of music and i love performance and i think the exploration of what makes something a secularized performance rather than the real thing was so interesting. the line "sacred performance involves the rehearsal of function rather than form" stood out to me in particular. i think that is a really powerful line. this is kind of the artist's story in a sense. i am learning to research and write and paint so that i might create better art. i am interested in sharpening my ability to express the human condition. i am much less interested in crafting an empirically true (again, doesn't exist) and technically perfect thesis, and i am not interested in painting perfect replications of what i see in the world. i am interested in capturing the essence of these things and i am interested in the tools i need to more authentically capture such essences so that i am not just able to create one great thesis, but that i might go forward in life creating a multitude of things. i do not chase the next great intervention in the field of gender history, i chase the tools that will help me more authentically talk about my historical subjects, and in that pursuit i have created far more than i did when i was chiefly concerned with writing the next historical intervention.

"in folkloric renditions of these events...there is little incentive to improvise in an immediate, divinely inspired way. what happens instead is that the songs and dances are transcribed into rehearsed memory, usually becoming more static with each rendition" (p. 119). for me, art has become about making sure that i do not become static. when i paint i have a vision in mind, but i let my hand and the page guide where the painting goes. for i am not imitating something that i have seen before, even in my mind's eye, i am creating something new with the tools i have gathered. and each painting is a new tool or lesson that i might continue to iterate on in the next.

i am reminded of this virtual concert that jon bellion held.

each of the songs that is performed here exists on record already. he spent years meticulously crafting each song, tweaking things to be just right so that he might release Glory Sound Prep and it might be as close to perfect as possible. but he doesn't play the songs here like they sound on the album he put out. each is an entirely new rendition of what were already sonically and musically and lyrically incredible songs. but jon has grown since he put those albums out. he has a bigger toolkit and has lived more life and experienced those emotions in new and beautiful ways. and so the music is familiar to those who have spent hundreds of hours listening to it, but he freestyles the arrangement, the pacing, all of it. and so his fans got to hear something that they knew, but in a new and powerful new way. this is by far the greatest concert that i have seen live or otherwise. and it relates so intimately to the lessons of sacred crimes. we can't remain static, we learn to paint or create music or write so that we can tap into the spiritual, not so that we can create an unattainable perfect piece of art.