#where miss Pauling finds the last of the australium | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

the-teufort-nine · 4 days ago

Note

may i rq a scenario with any of the mercs where they find reader injured when respawn's down. maybe bc of an accident or an ambush. i like angst as long as its ok in the end

HOLY SAXTON HALE ANON THIS ONE GOT AWAY FROM ME!

This isn't explicitly romantic, but you could definitely interpret it as being romantic if you want! You're def the team's fave <3

Anyways, enjoy about 8400 words of hurt/comfort goodness and the Blu team being pathetic lil meow meow when they think you're dead dead.

Mercs x GN!Reader | Respawn Malfunction

ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ Hurt/Comfort | SFW | Cw: starvation, temp character death, excess drinking, animal death ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ♡ﮩ٨ـﮩﮩ٨ـ

Featuring:

Everyone! Even Miss Pauling is here!

Scenario: During the last few moments of a match, Blu team's Respawn Machine suddenly malfunctions, with you inside! Left reeling by the loss of their Chemist, the team attempts to cope. A week later, Miss Pauling receives a most unexpected phone call...

There had been no warning.

If there had been, then the sharp eyes of RED and BLU’s Engineers would have certainly caught it. Unfortunately, the Respawn Machine had been just as reliable as ever for the entire match, bringing the mercenaries back from the great beyond time and time again, just as it had been designed to do.

Scout and Soldier had just been revived when it happened; the two men taking a moment to shake off the inevitable rush of nausea that came from going through the unholy machine. An Ubercharged Heavy had taken both them and their teammate, Y/N, known officially as the Chemist, out as the hulking giant made a final push to capture one of their points, and both BLU men knew it was only a matter of time before they heard the biting voice of the Administrator informing them of their failure.

Scout scuffed his sneaker against the concrete floor of the Respawn Room as Soldier launched into a furious rant, leaning against the wall as he waited for Y/N to come through, knowing that they'd been killed only a moment after him. He sighed when felt the gentle pulse of the machine as it vibrated like a speaker, getting ready to return his friend to the world of the living.

SKREEEEEECHHHH- BOOM!

A blast of hot air sent the two men crashing into the wall, stunning them momentarily. It was Soldier who regained his wits first, the BLU quickly pushing up his helmet and looking back at the source of the damage in shock and mounting horror.

“Aeughhhh… what da hell just happened?” Scout moaned, one of his hands rubbing against his throbbing forehead. He blinked, his blurred vision slowly clearing, and as he regained his sight, his eyes began to widen.

Respawn was on fire.

Flames licked hungrily at the walls as they spread out further from the Respawn Machine, with the contraption itself bathed in white and blue hues, the intense heat making quick work of what hadn't been destroyed in the explosion. Shards of complex metals and pools of gleaming Australium were littered all over the room, reflecting the light of the fire.

“HOLY CRAP!” Scout yelped, adrenaline coursing through his body as he attempted to scramble up off the floor.

His voice jolted Soldier out of his shocked state, and he shot a hand out to grab the back of Scout's shirt and yank him along as he made for the door.

“Emergency! Cease fighting immediately!” The Administrator's voice boomed out over the battlefield, the old woman's voice sounding more shocked than stern for once.

Scout finally found his footing as he pulled out of Soldier's grip, spinning around to stare at the encroaching flames. Fear roiled in his gut like an angry serpent as his disoriented mind finally allowed the reality of their situation to sink in. Respawn was gone.

Death was permanent once again.

“Private, this is no time to be standing around! We need to go!”

They could die. For real.

“Scout!”

If they'd come through only a moment earlier, they wouldn't have come back at all.

Wait…

“Solly, where's Chem?”

Soldier paused in his attempt to drag Scout down the hall, his gaze snapping back towards Respawn. He hadn't seen them when he'd grabbed Scout, too focused on getting away from the rapidly approaching fire, but he'd assumed that they were right behind him.

“They probably snuck past us! They're sneaky like that.” he replied. That had to be it! Otherwise that would mean they…

Scout looked down the hall, searching for any sign of the Chemist, before looking back towards Respawn, his face paling. He jerked forward, sprinting towards the blaze.

“Chem! Chem, hang on!” Scout yelled, reaching the doorway in only a few seconds, his eyes desperately searching for where his friend could possibly be.

The room was as empty as it had seemed before. There was no trace of the Chemist, alive or dead, to be found in the room.

They hadn't made it through.

“What in the Sam Hill is goin’ on here?!”

Scout wrenched himself away from the door as he heard his teammates gasp behind him. Engineer was up by his side in an instant, his mechanical hand gripping the doorframe so hard it cracked the material. He pushed his goggles up, and Scout could see real fear in the other's eyes.

“Vhat zhe hell happened? Zhe Respavn Machine vas fine only moments ago vhen I came through!” Medic said, pausing as he looked at Scout, who was trembling. Gently, the doctor led the young man away from the fire, “Scout? Are you alright? Vere you injured?”

“Chem’s gone.” was Scout's quiet reply.

“Vhat?”

“They was suppose’ta come through after me ‘n Solly, but Respawn went up in flames before they could come through.” the runner's voice was shaky and hollow, and he leaned more of his weight against Medic as his legs started to feel less dependable than usual, “They're gone. Like, gone gone.”

The gathered mercenaries went quiet, the only sounds being that of the crackling flames and Scout and Soldier's laboured breathing.

“DAMN IT!” Engineer bellowed, throwing his hard hat onto the ground, “GOD FUCKING DAMN IT!”

Medic closed his eyes, bringing a gloved hand up to his face as a wave of grief crashed down on him. He'd been rather fond of their newest teammate, glad to have someone around who was as interested in risky experiments as he was. The Chemist had often taken up many of the smaller, more neglected duties around the base, such as cooking proper meals and making sure that Medic's less used medical supplies stayed topped up, in case of emergencies. They'd also been of great help in wrangling some of his more… problematic patients, using their charms (or stealth) to herd them into the Medbay for check ups or shots.

He watched them die every day, but this was different. This was permanent. The machine he and Engineer had worked so hard to build, the one that had allowed them to cheat death time and time again, had finally taken its pound of flesh. Y/N had been taken from them, from him, before he'd been ready to let them go.

Now, this usually wouldn't have been a problem; committing sins against both God and nature was something he did quite often and with great delight, and he was sure he could wrest Y/N back from the afterlife, provided that he had access to their body.

And therein lay the problem. There was no body. Respawn hadn't even spat them out half formed or thrown them into the flames, it had simply not reconstructed them. Whatever remained of the Chemist was likely nothing more than a partially formed mist of human remains that had burned up almost instantaneously.

The tenth class was no more, and there was nothing Medic could do.

“Aw, hell,” Engineer gritted out finally, looking back at his teammates with a tired, beatdown expression, “Christ, someone go ‘n track down a fire extinguisher. If we don't get this under control soon, we'll all end up dead.”

Seeing an opportunity to both flee the horrific scene and be useful, Scout ran off like a bat out of Hell, skidding around a corner and disappearing from sight. Soldier, who was being uncharacteristically quiet and still, made to follow him, but Engineer stopped him before he could take more than a few steps.

“Hold on, pardner. I need you to round everyone up and let ‘em know what- what happened.” the southerner swallowed hard, trying his best to push down his emotions for the time being, “The last thing we need right now is to lose someone else because someone did somthin’ stupid and got themselves killed.”

Soldier thought of how often Demo tested his equipment after their daily battles, especially after a loss, and stopped only long enough to give Engineer a salute before rushing off, determined not to lose any more teammates.

“Gott, vhat a mess.” Medic whispered hoarsely, mentally preparing himself for the utter shit show that was inevitably coming their way. The Chemist had been a friend to all of them, even to Spy, who pretended that he didn't care, and losing them was going to be hard on everyone.

Personal loss wasn't something the mercenaries were used to, lulled into a sense of security, of immortality, by the Respawn Machine. After all, why be afraid of death when you knew that you would be back in what felt like only an instant? None of them ever considered that Respawn might fail one day.

“C’mon, Doc. We can't stay here.” Engineer said, leading his co-worker-turned-friend away from the fire.

“Ack!”

You yelped as you tumbled face first out of Respawn, hitting the floor hard and fast. You hissed in pain, pushing yourself up and rubbing a hand over your aching face. Instinctively, you check over the various vials of chemicals you have strapped to your person, praying that your odd tumble hasn't resulted in anything breaking.

A sigh of relief passes your lips as you determine nothing to be out of place or wrecked. You pulled yourself to your feet, stretching and cracking your knuckles. Christ, the RED Heavy must have gotten you good that time, because you felt just awful. Exhaustion made you slouch slightly, and your stomach ached something fierce.

After bracing yourself for the inevitable screech of the Administrator's voice telling you that you had failed, you allowed your eyes to fall open, expecting to see Scout and Soldier's sour faces.

An unfamiliar room greeted you, wooden planks replacing the expected concrete. Dust lingered around the space, and your only company was a chittering raccoon, which startled and ran off upon seeing you.

What the fuck was going on?

“Hell-o?” you called, confusing coloring your tone, “Scout? Soldier? Anyone?”

Silence greeted you. Not even the sound of gunfire and shouting could be heard, only the sound of a fierce wind blowing outside.

Thoroughly confused and more than a little creeped out, you stepped out of Respawn, head constantly swiveling about as you called for your teammates. However, no matter how much you yelled, no one ever responded. No matter how much you searched, you couldn't find anyone. No matter how much you listened, not a soul could be heard.

“What the fuck. What the fuck.” you chanted, rubbing your arms. It was so cold here, and your outfit was designed for the New Mexico heat.

Your breaths came in steamy puffs, and you could feel goosebumps prickling along your arms as you made your way towards what you hoped was the Intel Room. Whatever it was that was going on, you were too tired and too sore to try and puzzle it out. If this was some kind of elaborate prank, you were going to kill whoever was responsible, because the last thing you wanted to deal with after such a rough day was this creepy bullshit.

Finally, after a solid hour of getting lost within this bizarre, wintery base, you managed to find the Intel Room. A phone, blue in colour, sat mounted on the wall only a few feet away. Wasting no time, you dialed the number Miss Pauling had given you to use if there was ever an emergency, or if Engineer and Medic started spending too much time together again. (The last time they'd gone unchecked for too long, the base had become overrun by something they called Spycrabs. It took weeks for you and your team to get rid of them, though you were fairly certain both Spy and Pyro had managed to hide one to keep as a pet.)

“Aperture Bakery, where the cake definitely isn't a lie! This is Tammy speaking, how can I help you?” an obviously fake cheery voice greeted you after only two rings, and you smiled slightly.

“Jesus, Pauling, I think that's your worst ‘wrong number’ persona yet.” you groused, no real venom in your voice.

“...Y/N?” Miss Pauling’s voice suddenly became very soft and disbelieving, something you'd never heard it do.

You frowned, your brow furrowing. “Yeah, that's me, last I checked. I thought you were supposed to call me Chemist, though?”

“Holy shit, you're alive?!” she shouted, the volume causing you to pull back slightly, “How are you alive?!”

“Uhhhhh,” you stammered, completely at a loss as to how you were supposed to respond, “I… I breathe? And eat? And sleep? Jeez, Pauling, I don't know what you want from me here.”

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line, one that lasted so long, you began to worry Miss Pauling had hung up on you.

“Hello?” you tried.

“Oh! Shoot, sorry, I'm still here! I just-” there was a sound like papers being moved, “Chemist, what is the last thing you remember?”

“Losing the point and getting shot to pieces, why?” Was this a test? Had you already failed somehow?

“Right, yeah, okay that makes sense.” Miss Pauling took a deep breath, and you shifted uncomfortably, sensing that something was wrong.

“Chemist, Y/N, you've been declared dead for just over a week now.”

The phone slipped from your grasp, and it was only years worth of training and quick reflexes that kept it from smashing into the wall. You gripped the phone right, pressing it tightly into your ear as you spoke. “I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right, Miss Pauling. Would you mind repeating that?”

“You were dead, Chemist. Something happened to BLU’s Respawn Machine, and it was completely destroyed before you could come back. I- I don't know how or why it took so long for you to come back this time, but I'm so glad you did.”

You all but collapsed onto the wall, your free hand tangling itself in your hair. You'd died? Like, died for real? The thought made your stomach turn, and you had to suppress the urge to vomit.

“Pauling, Christ, I-” you swallowed, breathing in through your nose, “Is everyone else okay? Oh God, please tell me no one else… died.”

“No, no, no! Everyone's- well they're not fine, but they're all alive. The Administrator called for an emergency ceasefire the minute she saw what happened, and both teams got the message pretty quickly that something was wrong. The ceasefire is still in effect, since everyone needs to be relocated to one of the other base locations.” Miss Pauling replied.

You audibly sighed in relief, tension leaving your body as you uttered a soft ‘Oh, thank God.’ “I think that's where I ended up. One of the other bases, I mean. It's fucking freezing here, Pauly.”

“Shit, you're that far out?” Miss Pauling sucked in a breath through her teeth, “Okay, just- just stay put, alright? There's not going to be any supplies there, so just fine somewhere warm and try not to move too much. I'm going to come get you, okay?”

“Okay.” you replied, smiling slightly as you heard her immediately begin to gather various items on her desk, “Thank you, Miss Pauling. I know you're busy.”

“I'm never too busy for my mercenaries, especially when they manage to defy all logic and cheat death more than they usually do.” a warm, fuzzy feeling settled in your chest at her words, and it remained even after you hung up. There was something so viscerally pleasing about being wanted, about having someone care for you.

Worn out from your return to the living world, you peeled yourself away from the wall and wandered around the base a bit, before locating what had to be the common room. A couch and a few chairs were tucked in around an unlit fireplace. There wasn't anything around to burn, and you didn't feel up to going out to find something suitable, so you chose instead to simply curl up on the couch. Once you laid down, it was as if all of your strength left your body. The aches and pains that plagued you became more apparent, and your stomach growled and gurgled loudly. You were starving, but as Miss Pauling had said, there was no food at the base, and you certainly weren't going to be able to hunt any animals that might be scuttling around.

Resigning yourself to a fitful sleep and an empty stomach, you closed your eyes and pressed yourself in closer to the back of the couch, slowly drifting off into a light slumber.

The BLU base had never been so quiet. It was not a calm quiet, like one might find if they walked into a library, or in a room full of people simply enjoying each other's company while they entertained themselves, but rather a tense, unnatural quiet. A mercenary base with nine men living in it should have been full of noise and movement, but each member of the BLU team seemed more than happy to break away from the norm today.

Engineer was holed up in his workshop, pouring over blueprints, both new and old, determined to find some flaw, some imperfection, some failure, that could give him an answer as to why the Respawn Machine had gone up in flames. He needed to find the problem so that he could fix it. He couldn't leave things as they were; everyone, even the RED team, once they'd found out what had happened, felt unsafe going through any of the Respawn Machines, since no one knew what exactly had gone wrong.

Medic was working himself to exhaustion right alongside him, while also fretting over packing up his birds and equipment on such short notice. They weren't due to rotate out to another base for another month, but the accident had pushed the timeline up to a few days. What's more is that he needed to review the applications for a new Chemist, though he'd been putting that particular task off for as long as possible. He'd never once needed to replace a teammate, nor had he ever expected to. The process of both finding someone who was Respawn compatible and willing to fight and die everyday was an arduous one indeed, and Medic could feel a stress induced migraine begin to come on whenever he even glanced at the paperwork.

Heavy had been trying his best to help Medic prepare for the move, but he, like everyone else, was feeling the effects of their friend's sudden death. He kept expecting to hear their voice coming from the kitchen, or to see them waltz through a door with some manner of bubbling condition held in their arms. Often, he caught himself setting out the supplies for two sandviches, only realizing his mistake when he had plated the food.

Pyro had firmly planted themselves in the Chemist's room, taking special, delicate care to pack up their things into neat little boxes. When Medic had gently floated the idea of reusing their supplies for the next Chemist, Pyro had chased the doctor around the base with their fire axe. There were drawings of the two of them taped carefully to the wall, gifted to the Chemist by the resident firebug, and Pyro left them for last, wanting to keep pretending that they were simply packing up to move like the rest of them. When they'd nearly finished, Pyro noticed that the Chemist's uniforms, which had been folded up on their friend's bed, had mysteriously disappeared. They'd panicked for a moment, before the faint smell of cigarette smoke filtered through their mask.

Sure enough, the clothes were returned the following morning, freshly washed, dried, and without any wrinkles. Any and all holes or rips had been carefully hand stitched with expert precision. There was also a single rose lovingly tucked into one of the pockets on the outfit the Chemist wore most frequently.

Demo could often be found in the company of Soldier, sitting out on some roof or bridge, nursing his tenth or so bottle. Soldier didn't drink nearly as much, but when he inevitably did get drunk, only he and Demo knew about the few tears that would slip down his cheek. Neither acknowledged it, nor the sinking fear of having to inevitably go through Respawn again that sat like lead bullets in their guts.

Scout ran to ignore that same sense of fear and loss, to push it down into the deepest parts of himself. He ran from sunrise to sunset, pausing only when he absolutely needed to. Sometimes, when he would stop, panting and sweating and one small breeze away from toppling over, if he was in just the right spot at just the right time, he'd catch a glimpse of Sniper, tucked away on some far off cliffside or peering down from a tall, rickety building. The marksman hadn't been seen in the base proper since the accident, but he was always around somewhere, watching day and night to ensure nothing happened to his remaining teammates during the ceasefire.

So it was no wonder that it was him who first spotted a frantic looking Miss Pauling as she parked her scooter and dashed off towards one of the base entrances.

Curious, Sniper pushed himself up out of his hiding place, ignored the burning sensation that rippled through his taunt, stiff muscles, and started to make his way down to the base. He didn't make any attempt to soften his footsteps, but he also didn't call any attention to himself. The dark haired woman had been heading for Engineer's workshop, so that's where Sniper went.

Just before he could reach the door that led to the workshop, he collided with someone coming down the hall. He let out a quiet ‘oof’ and stumbled back, baring his teeth instinctively when he saw an expensive suit and steely blue eyes. He calmed, however, when he saw that this Spy was dressed in his team's colours

“Bushman.” came Spy's snide greeting. The Frenchman eyed Sniper up and down, “You look like shit.”

“I could say the same for you, mate.” Sniper sneered back, and he really could have.

There were heavy bags around Spy's eyes, and he smelled as though he'd been absolutely chewing through his expensive, imported cigarettes. Clearly, the man had been coping just as well as Sniper had.

“I'm shocked to see zhat you are no longer wallowing in your mobile hovel, or rolling around in zhe dirt, or whatever it is that you've been doing zhese days.” Spy raised a brow, “What has brought you back to zhis cheap imitation of civilization?”

Now, normally, this would be the point in their conversation where Sniper would tell Spy to not-so-kindly fuck off, but the Australian was running on coffee and will, and Spy was good at getting information. If Miss Pauling’s sudden appearance was supposed to be a secret, then Spy would be Sniper’s first choice for a partner in crime.

“Miss Pauling just showed up lookin’ real frazzled, and I want to know why. I didn't get any alerts or messages, did you?” Sniper asked.

Spy pursed his lips. “Non, I did not.”

Both men's gazes flicked towards the workshop door, and before either could contemplate if this was a good idea or not, Spy had cloaked and Sniper was pushing the door open slowly. A conversation came into earshot as the door opened silently.

“Engie! Thank God you're here!”

“Miss Pauling? What are you doin’ here?”

“There's no time, I need to borrow your truck!”

“Whu- mah truck? What for?”

“Listen, I need to get up North. Fast. And my scooter isn't going to cut it for this trip. Also, I think I might need that emergency dispenser you guys built a while back.”

Sniper's eyebrows shot up towards his hairline. Miss Pauling did many things to people, but healing them wasn't something he'd ever heard of her doing.

“Well, now, see that there dispenser is still a prototype. It ain't ready for fieldwork yet- HEY!”

“Sorry Engie! Look, I promise I will bring the truck and the dispenser back, but I really need to get going! If this works, I'll bring back something that will make up for all of this.”

“And just what the hell would that be?!”

“Your Chemist!”

Sniper jolted, his body moving faster than his mind, which was still struggling to understand what he'd just heard. He gripped the guardrails that overlooked the lower floor, arriving just in time to see Miss Pauling putting the pedal to the metal and hauling ass out of the workshop in Engineer's truck. Engineer himself was standing stock still on the workshop floor, hand still raised mid gesture.

A set of hands suddenly grabbed Sniper by the shoulders and spun him around. Spy was staring at him, eyes alight in a way Sniper hadn't seen in a long time.

“Bushman, you can fit at least four people in your disgusting van, yes?” the man asked, squeezing harder when Sniper's mouth failed to make words come out, “Well?!”

“Eh- ur- yeah mate, that's right.” Sniper nodded finally, still reeling from the idea that Chemist might still be alive, “What's it to ya, Spook?”

“Gather up Soldier, Heavy, and Demo. I will take Medic, Scout, Pyro and Engineer in my car. We need to get going immediately if we want any chance of catching up to Miss Pauling!” he exclaimed.

Sniper's eyes widened as he understood what Spy was saying. The Frenchman wanted to follow Miss Pauling, to see their supposedly not dead teammate for himself, and he knew the rest of them well enough to know that if they didn't take them along, then the others would find their own way to them. That, or they'd simply destroy the base if left alone for too long, and Sniper was willing to bet that Spy didn't want to risk Pyro or Soldier destroying his precious suit collection.

‘Still,’ Sniper mused, ‘It’s nice to see that Spook cares about our feelings, even if it is mostly for ‘is benefit.’

“Right, I'll go round up the boys. You focus on snapp’n Engie outta his stupor, yeah?” Sniper agreed.

Spy nodded, and the two separated, with Sniper wasting no time in flying back down the hall. Obsessively stalking- er, observing everyone over the course of the week had granted him a decent understanding of where they chose to spend their time while in mourning.

Heavy and Medic were up first, and Sniper knew exactly where they'd be. With a swift kick, he burst into the Medbay, startling both the pair and all of the birds.

“Augh! Herr Sniper, vhat do you think you're doing, barging in here like-” Medic started, but Sniper cut him off.

“Can it, Doc! Pauling was just ‘ere, and she says Y/N is alive!” Sniper exclaimed. The other two men's eyes widened, and Medic almost dropped the glass beaker he was holding. “She sped off a moment ago, and we're gonna follow ‘er. Spy's taking you, Scooter, Engie and Py in ‘is car, while I'm takin’ the rest.”

The dynamic duo shook off their shock and nodded.

“Heavy will grab Soldier and Demolitions. Leetle Sniper will find Pyro in their room.” Heavy paused, then fixed Sniper with a stern look. “Be very careful how you tell news. Fire starter has… not been taking loss well. May attack, if they think you are playing joke.”

Sniper gulped quietly. “Think we should hold off on tellin’ them why we're really leaving?”

Medic shook his head quickly. “Nien. Zhough it is not alvays apparent, Pyro is quite intelligent. Lying to zhem about zhis will not end well for any of us.”

The marksman winced, remembering the feeling of fire blasting across his skin. “Too right. Okay, I'll handle Pyro, and Heavy’s gettin’ the drunk bastards. Hopefully they can sober up a bit, because I do not want those two sicking up in my van.”

Suddenly, a thought came to him.

“Oh, and bring yer Medigun. Miss Pauling mentioned something about need’n the emergency dispenser, but Engie didn't seem too confident that it would work.”

Medic's face crumpled up in distress. “And he shouldn't be! Zhat machine is just as likely to kill both zhe Chemist and Frauline Pauling as it is to heal zhem.”

“Shit.” Sniper swore, “We better be quick, then.”

The three men scattered, each one going in a different direction. Sniper hauled ass towards the barracks, eyes flicking to the different class symbols that marked each of the doors. He had only ever been here once, but picking out the little blue and yellow picture of a bubbling vial was easy enough.

He skidded to a stop before the door, taking a second to rap his knuckles against the wood before pushing the door open.

Pyro was where Heavy had said they would be, sitting on their friend's neatly made bed, their stuffed Balloonicorn clasped tightly in their grip as they rocked slightly. Pyro tilted their head at Sniper, communicating their confusion at the man's sudden appearance.

“C’mon, matchstick. We gotta get going right quick now.” Sniper panted, motioning for Pyro to follow, “Miss Pauling was just here, and she seems pretty damn convinced that our Chemist isn't as dead as we all thought.”

Pyro stilled on the bed, their masked face staring right into Sniper's soul. The Australian licked his chapped lips, feeling a sense of unease creep across the nape of his neck. After a moment of relative silence, Pyro seemed to find no deception in his words, and quickly leapt up, pausing only to grab their axe and holster it on their back.

“Huddah huddah huddah!” They yelled, voice muffled by the mask. A thick rubber glove suddenly gripped Sniper's vest, and the marksman found himself getting dragged along towards an exit.

Barely able to keep up with Pyro’s quick stride, Sniper stumbled a bit, all but crashing into the firebug when the large door before them slid open.

“Let's go, let's go, let's go!” Scout's voice carried across the desert base as the young man practically flew towards the workshop, clearly having been told the news, “Py, Snipes, let's friggin hustle! We got places to be, ya bunch a slowasses!”

“Piss off, ya bloody roadrunner! We're goin’ as fast as we can!” Sniper shot back, no real venom in his voice. He knew that Scout had been hit hard by the loss of their teammate, especially since he and Soldier had been the last ones to see them. The kid was more sensitive then the rest of them, especially when it came to someone he cared about dying

Scout slowed ever so slightly, just enough to grab ahold of Pyro's hand. The runner and the arsonist took off together to where Spy was waiting, and Sniper deviated off towards his van.

Heavy was already waiting for him when he arrived, the hulking giant holding both Soldier and Demo over his shoulders. The two had clearly had more to drink than usual, because neither of them were conscious. Sniper contemplated waking them for a moment; this was important after all, and he knew neither man would want to be left out of the loop.

And then he considered how completely insufferable the duo would be if they were awake, and he simply nodded towards the back of the van as he moved to sit in the driver's seat.

Heavy joined him a few moments later, and they were off, speeding down a dusty New Mexico road. Spy's expensive, gleaming vehicle was tearing down the same road as them, the light of the gradually setting sun bouncing off the well maintained blue paint job. He'd told Sniper the name once, while also threatening to gut the marksman if he so much as stepped near the vehicle, but Sniper couldn't be bothered to memorize it.

Sniper had thought that Spy wouldn't ever dare go as fast as he was now, what with all the potholes and tumbleweeds around that could potentially damage the Frenchman's precious ride, but perhaps he'd underestimated how much losing the Chemist had weighed on their most elusive teammate. Spy, for all his aloofness, did occasionally let slip the fact that he actually liked his teammates. Sometimes. Rarely. And usually in some strange, hard to interpret way.

He saw Scout's head pop out of one of the backseat windows, and the lad raised a hand to shield his eyes, like he was trying to see something in the distance. He must have spotted something other than desert, because he pointed towards an upcoming side road before popping back inside.

Sure enough, the car skidded around the corner, and Sniper followed, squinting his own eyes in an attempt to see what Scout had been pointing at.

Tire tracks marred the road, ones that hadn't been caused by Spy's quick turn, but that were also very recent. Sniper grinned and pressed harder on the gas, accelerating until he was only a few feet behind the other vehicle.

He'd never had a target escape before, and Miss Pauling wasn't about to make him break that streak.

Cold.

You were so cold.

You'd awoken to the sound of your teeth chattering, the sound only made worse when another wave of ripples inevitably wracked your prone form. Each breath came as a gasping wheeze, catching on the film of phlegm that had made a home in your throat and chest. Your stomach felt almost alive in your guts, spitting acid on your sensitive middle as it growled and snarled and roared for food that you couldn't give it.

You tried to get up, but your body began to shake and wobble dangerously as you began putting pressure on your forearm. Apparently, all your energy had been diverted to shivering in a, perhaps futile, attempt to keep your internal organs from freezing over. Breathing out a puff of warm air, you slid your hands over your chest and stomach, eyes widening as you realized that something was deeply, deeply wrong.

Gone was your well earned muscles and insulating body fat. You felt dangerously thin, like a starved greyhound. Whatever dark magic and science pulled you back from death had seemingly lost most of your fat and muscle reserves in the process. Truly, it was a miracle that you'd been able to walk at all!

You were in a bad spot, and you weren't sure Respawn would be able to save you again, should the worst happen. After all, no merc had ever starved to death before, and you had no idea what would happen if you did.

‘That’s not going to happen.’ You tried to reassure yourself, ‘Pauling will come to get me.’

How long had you been asleep? It hadn't felt like long, but there were no windows in this common room, and it wasn't as though you could rely on your stomach to tell you that a great deal of time had passed.

With little else to do, you lay your head back down on the cold couch cushions, attempting to curl up closer to the plush, velvety fabric. You tucked your arms into your armpits and folded your knees up close to your chest as you shivered once again. You'd lost feeling in your toes and fingers, but you could still, with great difficulty, wiggle them, which you counted as a win. Your eyes slipped shut as you turned your face down towards your chest, nose buried in the fabric of your uniform in a desperate attempt to seek out any scrap of warmth.

Sleep came easy enough, but it was far from a peaceful rest. Nightmares of endless darkness and being reborn wrong plagued your mind. You woke frequently, but exhaustion dragged you back into unconsciousness just as quickly. Each time you awoke, you were reminded of just how hungry you were, and the urge to gnaw at your own dangerously thin arms grew in intensity. Thirst plagued you as well, and each time your failing mind allowed it, you licked desperately at the inside of your mouth, trying to acquire some moisture for your sandpaper-esque throat.

On your next return to the waking world, as you stared out towards the door that led to the hallway, contemplating drinking one of your fatal mixtures, if only to end your suffering and quicken your return to Respawn, a sound echoed out into the lonely building. You lifted your head, blearily squinting towards the door. Had that been real? Or simply an illusion, a trick crafted by your starved brain?

“Chem? Chem, can you hear me?!”

Miss Pauling.

She did come for you!

You grinned, the action pulling at your chapped lips. You tried to call out, but all you managed was a slight cough. Huffing, you flopped your head back down, eyes locked on the door. You knew that she knew where the phone was in this place; there was no way someone like Miss Pauling didn’t know the ins and outs of every place her mercs set up shop in, so it was only a matter of time before she found you.

Sure enough, after a few minutes passed you began to hear footsteps pounding down the hall. It wasn’t the heavy, familiar footfalls of your team, but rather a lighter, quieter sound. A blurry purple figure entered your field of vision, and after your eyes finally focused, you saw a disheveled, red-cheeked Miss Pauling standing before you.

“Hey there, stranger.” You rasped, wincing slightly when you felt hands suddenly cup your cheeks. Pauling’s hands were warm and slightly calloused, and you blinked slowly, leaning into her touch.

“Jesus Christ, Chem. You never do anything by halves, huh?” Pauling laughed, though the noise came out more like a sob.

“Can't. I wouldn't be a very good Chemist if I did, right?” You joked softly, your eyelids drooping slowly as you began to relax, “Things’d be spillin’ all over the place.”

“Woah, hey!” A series of quick, rapid taps against your cheeks made you open your eyes again, “Stay awake, okay? You're in rough shape, but I brought- well, stole but that's really not important- Engie's truck and his little mini dispenser thing-”

“You stole Engie’s truck?” You interrupted, voice tinged with a sense of horrified awe, “He's gonna kill you.”

The raven haired woman gave you a half smile as she reached an arm under you, pulling you up to your feet to stand beside her. Your vision swam, and you had to lean heavily into her.

“I think bringing you back will soften him up a bit.” She said, looping your arm around her shoulders, “Come on, let's get you to the truck. You look like you're about to pass out.”

“I might.” You admitted. “Got anything to eat? I'm starving.”

Miss Pauling glanced over your emaciated form. “That… actually might be the case. When Respawn brings someone back, it usually leaves them feeling a little bit drained, and it's why you're all so hungry at the end of a battle. Respawning takes energy, and I'd say this last trip took almost all of yours. It ate right through your fat and muscle reserves!”

“Ah,” You replied, “I was afraid that might be the case. What happens if I Respawn again?”

“It's… it's probably best if we don't test that out.”

The two of you walked through the base in silence after that, with you leaning heavily on Miss Pauling for support. She didn't seem to mind, however; though you often caught her casting worried glances at you. You felt the temperature in the air steadily drop as you reached the entrance to the base, yet you were still caught off guard when a chilly blast of wintry air smacked you in the face. Snow swirled all around you, coating the base and battlefield in white. The first rays of an early morning sunrise were just starting to peak over the horizon, giving you enough light to see by.

In the distance, you could see Engie's truck, the blue vehicle standing out amidst the white. However, something seemed… off about the truck. You squinted, trying to figure out what was wrong.

“Hey P, did you bring a… a dog with you?” You mumbled, tilting your head at the canine shape that stood in the headlights.

“What?” Miss Pauling looked confused for a moment, before she, too, saw the creature. “What is… uh oh.”

“Uh oh? Why uh oh?” You questioned, before taking a closer look at the dog, which was now slowly moving towards the two of you.

Oh.

Uh oh indeed.

It wasn't a dog.

It was a wolf.

The beast was huge, with a thick, ungroomed black coat and amber eyes that glowed a bright, golden color in the early morning. It growled as it approached, and you could see saliva frothing at its mouth.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me.” You balked, stumbling as Miss Pauling pulled you both back, “A rabid wolf. Why not!”

“How did it even contract rabies all the way out here?!” Miss Pauling yelped, quickly drawing her pistol. You eyed the small gun, wondering if she could aim well enough to shoot the hulking animal with your dead weight hanging off her.

Left with no other options, you weakly pawed at your coat, trying to locate something that could help you fight off the rabid beast. You had all the ingredients needed to make something truly dangerous, but if you tried to mix them now, you'd just as likely make something that would kill you before the wolf could.

Grabbing something that would at least blind the animal, you braced yourself as best you could, ready to try and help Miss Pauling fight.

“INCOMING!”

You, Miss Pauling, and the wolf all turned your heads as one, eyes widening when Sniper's van suddenly emerged from the snowstorm like the chariot of an angry Australian god. The vehicle slammed into the wolf, sending it flying out of sight. A few seconds later, an expensive looking car skidded to a stop a few feet away, one of the back doors opening before the car could even fully stop.

Scout came barreling out first, slipping on the snow and ice as he tried to regain his balance. Sniper, Heavy, and Spy followed suit, with the other's appearing behind them. They all looked absolutely horrendous; their eye bags had eye bags, Soldier and Sniper clearly needed to shave, and none of them were even remotely dressed for the cold weather of the north.

But they had never looked better to you.

Scout spotted you first, and you hardly had time to blink before the Bostonian was upon you, yanking you out of Miss Pauling's hold and into his arms.

“You're alive! Holy crap you're alive!” Scout cried, spinning you around and pressing his face into your shoulder.

Pyro joined you next, the arsonist all but smothering both you and Scout as they sobbed. You patted their back, leaning into their warm suit, attempting to leech their abundant body heat.

Before you could get a word out, a fierce yell startled you into a defensive stance. Suddenly, you were being held up by your armpits and being shook like a maraca.

“DO NOT PULL SUCH A STUNT AGAIN, MAGGOT!” Soldier yelled angrily, but you caught a glimpse of wet eyes under his helmet, “IF YOU DIE LIKE THAT AGAIN I WILL PERSONALLY RIP YOUR YELLOW-BELLIED SOUL RIGHT OUT OF HELL!”

“Sol, put them down, consarnit!” Engineer chided, smacking Soldier in the side. Once the helmeted man set you back down onto the ground, Engineer pulled you into a warm, firm hug, his flesh hand coming to rest on the back of your neck.

“Hey Engie.” You murmured softly, “Don’t be mad at Miss P, okay?”

“Buddy, ah’m gonna be treatin’ her to a steak dinner after this.” he chuckled, before gently passing you over to someone else, “Here, Demo. Be careful with ‘em. They ain’t lookin’ too good right now.”

“Aye, ya look like shite, dont’cha?” Demo laughed softly, gently ruffling your hair before pulling you into a hug, tucking you under his chin. “Ah, I’m glad yer alright. Ye gave us a right scare, ya wee bastard!”

“Sorry.” You chuckled, leaning into his chest. Demo patted your shoulder, before you were released and spun around to see Medic, Heavy, Spy and Sniper. While Heavy lifted you up into one arm, Miss Pauline began questioning how the mercenaries had found out where you and her were.

Medic descended upon you like a mother hen, fretting about the poor state you were in while simultaneously raving about the unexplored limits of the Respawn Machines. He plucked a few tablets out of a bottle in one of his coat pockets, instructing you to swallow, not chew them as Sniper handed you a well worn thermos. It was warm, and when you opened the lid, the smell of coffee hit your nose. A quick sip revealed that it was made just how you liked, which made you smile, because it meant that the usually unsociable marksman had gone out of his way to make the drink specifically for you.

“Here, mon ami,” Spy strode forward, a blanket draped over his arm. He wrapped it around your shoulders gently, tucking it in tightly, almost like your parents would do for you when you were small, “this should warm you up a bit.”

The tenderness of your usually tough, rowdy teammates made you sniffle, and you snuggled in closer to Heavy, clutching your thermos.

“I love you guys.” You said, your voice wavering with emotion, rather than cold this time, “Seriously. I- there isn’t a better team out there.”

Your praise made the gathered men puff up slightly. It was clear your opinion mattered a great deal to them.

“Hell yeah! We’re da’ freakin’ best!” Scout shouted.

“Leetle Chemist is included in that.” Heavy added, and you blushed slightly.

“Heavy is right, mein Chemiker.” Medic agreed, “Jou have cheated Death more zhen anyone else before jou! It is truly amazing!”

“I don’t feel amazing.” You said, quickly sipping the offered coffee.

“Vell, you are severely malnutritioned, so I am not surprised.” Medic replied. “Ah, don’t drink zhat so fast. Jou’ll just zhrow it back up.”

Once the word ‘malnutritioned’ passed the doctor’s lips, you could practically hear Engineer’s ears perk up. You were sure many home cooked meals with Engie in his workshop were in your future.

“Come on, mate, let’s get em’ outta the cold, yeah?” Sniper suggested to Heavy, gesturing towards his van. Spy snorted.

“Please, you want to have our dear Chemist rest in zhat thing? The last thing zhey need is to be surrounded by piss and crocodile jerky.” he snarked, which drew a disgruntled sneer from Sniper.

“Oi! My van is perfectly clean, and its leagues bettah than your dinky lil’ car! You just wanna hog all their attention ‘cause you’re a needy, selfish buggah!” Sniper shot back.

Heavy sighed deeply as the two men started arguing, before looking down at you.

“Heavy thinks it would be best for leetle Chemist to ride with Engineer in his truck for now. Team is very excited you are alive, and this makes them act-” the two of you winced as Soldier started yelling again, “more like loud idiots than usual, да?”

“At this point, big guy, I’d welcome the noise.” You admitted, “It was… quiet here. And lonely.”

Heavy looked at you with a saddened expression. “How long were you alone for?”

“A… a day, I think. It was hard to tell, since there were no windows.” You glanced over in the direction the wolf had been flung. “Honestly, that might have been for the best, considering what was waiting out here for me and Miss Pauling when we finally got outside.”

“Was wolf, yes? Heavy could not see very well, but it looked like wolf.” The heavy weapons expert said as he started off towards Engineer’s truck.

“Yeah, it was a wolf. A rabid one. You guys showed up just in time. I was afraid it would get close enough to bite us.” You shivered, pulling your blanket in closer.

“Miss Pauling would not have allowed that. She is small woman, yes, but very fierce.” Heavy paused for a moment, looked over at Scout and Soldier, who were talking to Miss Pauling, then leaned in to whisper: “She is better shot than some of the team. Do not tell them I said this.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t say a word.” You winked as Heavy gently set you down in the passenger seat, careful not to jostle you. The seat was still warm from the heater, and you relished in it, almost not even noticing when Engineer slipped into the driver’s seat next to you.

“Buckle up, darl’.” He grinned, reaching to pull the seat belt over your chest.

“Thanks, Engie.” You returned his smile and lay back, resting your head against your seat belt.

As you got comfortable, you noticed that the truck had an extra few passengers. Pyro waved to you from the back as both Soldier and Scout climbed up into the bed. Both men looked visibly cold, but they stubbornly plonked themselves down, dead set on staying near you. Just in case.

Spy and Sniper finally stopped squabbling when they realized that you were no longer around to fight over, and both slunk back to their respective vehicles as Engineer started up his truck. Miss Pauling and Medic followed Spy, while Demo and Heavy trailed after Sniper. Knowing your team, there would be another fight the second you all stopped for gas or food, likely over who you should sit with for the rest of the drive back. Honestly, it was like being back in school, surrounded by a friend group of mentally ill lunatics who fought like spoiled dogs for your attention.

You wouldn’t change a thing. You were, after all, just as needy and clingy as the rest of them, and you knew you’d be even more desperate to be near someone all the time, afraid to be back in that horrid silence.

How wonderful for you, then, that you had 8 men, 1 woman, and 1 Pyro who would be more than happy to indulge you.

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anonymouscentral · 8 months ago

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Okay so basically

There was an old rich dude who owned a company named Zephaniah Mann. He had two sons who hated eachother, and they convinced him to buy New Mexico because they heard rumors of gravel being there. When they arrived, there was nothing but sand, and Zephaniah got every disease known to man. He gave his company to some dude named Barnabus Hale, and the entirety of New Mexico to his sons to share before promptly dying.

They, of course, immediately hired mercenaries to kill eachother. This team included Abraham Lincoln, inventor of Stairs, and Nikolai Tesla. This didn’t work, because they both had hired mercenaries, and thus kicked off the gravel war. They paid this dude who isn’t super important whose last name is Conagher to build immortality machines, and gave him a miracle rock called Australium that’s from outer space to do it.

Fast-forward a long time, and the gravel wars are still going on. Dell Conagher, AKA the Engineer, is hired to make new immortality machines and does so. Suddenly, both brothers are invited to meet at the Alamo, which they had rented and flown out to New Mexico. They met, put aside their differences, began hatching a plan to create a machine to get one of them pregnant so that the Mann family would have an heir to inherent their companies(Reliable Excavation and Demolition[RED] and Builder’s League United[BLU]), before promptly being killed by their secret third brother who’s name is Gray Mann and he was raised by hawks. The Gravel War ends, and Saxton Hale(current owner of Mann Co.) hires the playable mercs to fight off his robots which run on money. They do this for a while before Gray Mann confronts Saxton directly and has his daughter fight him for Mann Co. His daughter wins because Saxton doesn’t want to fight a child, and the mercs are fired.

A while passes, and the secret person behind the Gravel War(the administrator) messages her assistant(Miss Pauling) to find the mercs. She does this(except Dell, because he’s building another immortality machine for The Administrator) and they go to kill Gray Mann. Gray Mann hires the TFC(Team Fortress Classic) mercs to fight them off, and is eventually killed for his immortality machine. Meanwhile, the playable TF2 mercs are fighting the other eight TFC mercs off(killing them) as well as a giant army of robots that’s drunk from the demoman(Tavish Finnegan Degroot)’s blood, eventually doing so and killing the TFC heavy. That’s where it ends for now because the last comic isn’t out yet.

Oh, also, three of the TF2 mercs die. The Sniper is killed by the TFC mercs and brought back by the Medic, the Medic is killed by the TFC heavy and brought back by trading someone(unclear if it’s one of the TF2 or TFC merc’s)’s soul for a pen in a deal with the devil, and the Scout is killed by a bunch of robots and promptly brought back because he’s god’s gift to women(they have three foosball tables in heaven). Also, Tom Jones has his neck snapped by the Soldier, and then again in heaven by a cherub because the Scout was tricked into believing Tom Jones was his father by the Spy in a heartbreaking moment where the Spy reveals he’s the Scout’s father and says he’s proud of him before he dies.

Oh, and Shakespearicles invented Rocket Jumping.

Any questions?

-Mod Olivo

oh my this is interesting, i may not quite know who any of these people are due to my virus tendencies but this was a good read! thank you mod olivo:)

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xxiamtiebrousxx · 2 years ago

Text

I explain TF2 from a conversation I had. EDITED heavily.

"I managed to persuade my parents is rated T, but's actually rated M (for men lol).

It's about nine mercenaries, the heavy weapons guy, the engineer, pyro, medic, sniper, scout, spy, demoman and soldier. This is between 1968-1972

There are two teams, BLU and RED.

They are controlled by the Mann Brothers who have been fighting for years. The Administrator oversees this and makes the moves. They have Christmas and Halloween events. They were once interviewed. That's how "Meet the Team" videos were made. They were also blackmail.

The RED team stole the BLU intel. Medic and Engineer discovered they had three days to live because of teleporting bread. Scout asks Spy for advice on wooing women, because he has a crush on Miss Pauling, the assistant to the Administrator. Day three comes and he gets Pauling to come over. Medic and Engineer find out they weren't going to die, but Soldier had teleported bread for three days straight and created a giant bread monster.

They kill it.

As it turns out, the Mann Brothers had another brother, Gray Mann, who murdered them and tried to take over Mann Co, which Saxton Hale was CEO of. Mann Co provided RED and BLU with everything they needed, so they teamed up to fight Gray and his robots.

After a year, it ended in a stalemate. Gray confronted Hale to fight him. He had a policy that said any CEO can fight Hale and if they win, they get Mann Co.

Turns out, Gray Mann was not CEO of his company. Instead it was his daughter, Olivia. Hale couldn't fight her so he surrendered. Gray fired all the mercs and they went into hiding.

Miss Pauling was tasked to find them. She found Soldier, Demo, and Pyro, They went to Teufort, New Mexico, where they used to work, to rescue Scout and Spy who were framed for crimes they didn't do.

They soon go to Russia to pick up Heavy, where Soldier meets Zhanna. They then head to Australia to pick up Sniper, who found out he was adopted.

This entire time, Gray and the Administrator were in a race to get the most valuable mineral, which was running out. It was called Australium and it could grant youth. They didn't know that Charles Darling, Saxton Hale's enemy, recruited Hale and his ex-girlfriend Maggie to go get some Australium to.

The mercenaries, Pauling and Zhanna head to New Zealand to pick up the last cache of Australium. It had been sunk because everyone there though the world had been covered in lava. Sniper's real parents turn out to be jerks and abandoned the team when Lar-nah, Sniper's mom, crashed through the dome covering New Zealand, taking the cache with her. It began to flood when Gray's team, Team Fortress Classic, came in and shot Sniper. In the six months the mercs had gone in to hiding, the team Medic joined TFC.

The mercs were taken by TFC to an island. The TFC Heavy took Gray's life extender. Zhanna sacrificed her hand to save Soldier, who was being tortured. Pauling and Spy are in chains and are about to take cyanide when "Heavy," who was on a mission with Scout, breaks them out. It turned out that Heavy was the TFC Spy and he is killed by Zhanna and Soldier. Meanwhile, Medic brings back Sniper to life. The team who was rescued by Zhanna and Soldier try to break out but are "killed" by bloodsucking robots.

Medic revives everyone and Heavy, Scout, Saxton, and Maggie join in the fight. There's this whole epic fight in which Scout and Medic die, but come back. They manage to defeat the TFC team.

Back with the Administrator, she is in need of Australium. Engineer who was by her side the entire time had replaced her life extender.

The comics end with a cliffhanger, with a younger Administrator, or Helen as she is called, declaring she knows where there is more Australium." BONUS: Scout is Spy's son.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #xxiamtiebrousxx rants

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lu-undy · 3 years ago

Text

Another Sniper/Spy fluffy “short”

Spy and Sniper are sent on a mission where Spy has to disguise himself as a woman. Sniper falls for him *even more* and when he catches Spy flirting with the bad guy, well, the Aussie takes it badly. But in the end, all is well ;) Follow this link!

"Hey, Miss Paulin'?"

"Hey Scout, d'you know where I can find Spy and Sniper?"

"Ya got a job for'em?"

"Yes, I do." Miss Pauling had barely arrived at the base that the young man was all over her, like a bee on a flower.

"I can do it. I'm sure I can do it on my own too, I'm pretty strong, see?" He flexed his arm and Miss Pauling rolled her eyes before looking away.

"Scout, I need those two to do the job, not you."

"I can do it with them, if that works better for you, eh?"

The young woman sighed and pushed living-room's door.

"Hey everyone."

"Howdy, Miss?"

"Mmh-hmm!"

Most of the team was there but as Miss Pauling scanned the room, she didn't find Spy or Sniper.

"Any idea where Sniper and Spy are?"

"You'll find Slim in his van I guess, and for Spy? I'd say give a knock on his door." The Texan answered from the sofa, a beer in his hand.

"Alright, thanks." The young woman spun on her heels and bumped on Scout. "Scout!"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"You wanna do something for me?"

"Sure!" He excitedly answered.

"Get Spy and Sniper in the meeting room in 2 minutes."

"I'm on it!"

And a couple of minutes later, both mercenaries were in the meeting room with Miss Pauling.

"Alright, guys, I have a job for you two. I know, it's quite unusual for both of you to team up with anyone but unless one of you can split himself into two, you'll need each other."

Spy and Sniper were sitting face to face on one end of the long table, the closest to the screen. The Frenchman lit a cigarette and raised his hand.

"Spy?" Miss Pauling was surprised that he should have a question so soon.

"Is this mission only to be heard by Sniper and my ears?" He asked.

"Yeah, why?" The young woman raised an eyebrow. Spy stood up and went to the meeting room's door that he opened abruptly. Scout was trying to look and listen through the keyhole. "Ugh, Scout, if you don't leave right now, I swear I'm never giving you any jobs anymore!"

"You never do anyway!"

Sniper pushed his chair back to stand up but Miss Pauling put a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

"I did! I asked you to go and get Sniper and Spy and you did it brilliantly, now, please let me have this meeting with them."

"Does that mean you… were impressed by how well I handled it?" Scout's eyes shone with enthusiasm.

"Yeah, it does, now please…?"

"Alright then, I won't be far though, just in case you need anythin' eh?"

Spy looked at Miss Pauling and she nodded, after that, the Frenchman pushed the door shut on the young man's face.

"Ooh, sorry about this, I know neither of you like to waste your time…" Pauling grabbed a remote and switched the big screen on. "Now, let's talk about the mission. The Admin's got you two tickets for a ball given by this guy. Apparently, he has a bar of pure unrefined Australium that the Admin wants. One of you will have to distract him while the other retrieves it." She pushed a button and the screen showed a mansion. "That's his house, where the ball will be. I'm told that the Australium is in his bedroom, upstairs, right there…" She pushed another button. "It's on that shelf. I talked to Engie and we'll have the CCTV system and the security rigged off so it's just a matter of picking it up."

"Do we know anything about this gentleman?" Spy asked.

"Yup," Pauling pushed a button and the next image appeared.

"Bloody hell, how many sheilas is that…?" Sniper straightened his back on the chair and started counting them. The picture showed the man surrounded by women of all colour and all tastes.

"Five." Spy answered. "Those ones are in a group of five, admirable women and very helpful in times of need." Sniper's eyebrows jumped and he looked at his colleague across the table. "So he enjoys the company of women?" Spy asked Pauling, unfazed.

"Yeah, so Spy, you'll have to go as one, keep him busy while Sniper goes upstairs and takes the prize. Any questions?”

Spy raised his hand.

“Yes, Spy?”

“When is this mission due?”

“The party is tonight. Here’s the address.” Pauling took a piece of paper out of her pocket and showed it to Spy. The Frenchman took a second to look at it then nodded, and Miss Pauling showed it to Sniper.

“Y’know the area?” Sniper asked his colleague and Spy nodded, blowing the smoke of his cigarette between his thin lips. “Alright then.”

Miss Pauling took the paper and burnt it. “There, you guys have the address. Now, the Admin insists on doing the job cleanly, no corpses. Besides, there’s no respawn there, so try to not get killed, ok?”

Both Sniper and Spy nodded.

“Right, if you don’t have more questions, I’ll be on my way.” Miss Pauling went to the door, both mercenaries on her heels. Spy opened the door for her and both Sniper and her passed through before he went through last and shut the door.

The evening came and Sniper had spent his entire afternoon on his own. After the dinner that he shared with his colleagues, he retreated to his van again and prepared himself. Well, a fancy ball, huh? Good thing he had kept a suit in his stuff. It had been his father’s so it was old, out of any kind of recent fashion and a bit on the short side for the tall Aussie, but who cared. He was just going to steal something and he would be back before midnight no doubt. Sniper trusted Spy to offer whatever distraction was needed for him to take the Australium stick easily.

When the Aussie finished putting on his black, now dark greying, suit, he quickly combed his hair and looked at his reflection on his van's window.

“Well, that’ll do.” He concluded and exited his van to go and get his colleague out.

“Ooh, looks like Snipe’s goin’ on a date, eh?” Scout said and whistled at the older man. Sniper growled and bared his teeth on the side. “Who’s the lucky one, eh? There ain’t any lady kangaroos over here, eh?”

“Bugger off, Scout.”

“Pfff….!” The Bostonian snickered as Sniper disappeared in the corridor.

There was a knock on the Frenchman's door.

“Go to your van, I shall join you.” The voice with the French accent answered from the other side of the door with the knife symbol.

Sniper rolled his eyes.

“Alright.” He answered, and left. A minute later, he was in his van and the door on the passenger’s seat squeaked open. “Are you read-oh, wow…”

“I am indeed ready, now let us not waste time.” Spy answered matter-of-factly.

Sniper’s eyes lingered on his now very lady-like colleague. He couldn’t see much but the long hair and the shine on Spy’s lips was a change and a half.

“Jesus, that’s one hell of a disguise… You really look like a sheila…!” He started the engine and off they went.

“Thank you, I take it as a compliment on my make-up and disguise skills.”

“Yeah... How did you manage that…? I mean, I guess the long hair’s a wig, right?” Sniper cast a glance at his colleague. “No... Is it really your hair?”

“Non, you Bushman, of course not. It would never fit under my mask. This is indeed a wig.”

“And you put on make-up?”

“Oui.”

“You know how to do that?”

“Oui.”

“Wow… ‘M not gonna ask how or why.” Sniper said more to himself but of course Spy heard him.

“It is a skill, like shooting, you get it through learning.”

“And trainin’.” Sniper added. “You did that much?”

“Oui, not usually to make myself more feminine. Make-up can be used to hide your distinctive features, or create some that you do not originally possess.”

“Makes sense for a spook I guess.”

Spy raised a curious eyebrow to his colleague but of course Sniper was way too focused on the road to notice it. The Frenchman was surprised that his colleague did not mock him for his womanly disguise but instead chose to compliment him on his efforts. Hm, surprising coming from Sniper. Although anything that came from Sniper was a surprise. The man lived like a hermit in his van, he was almost as secretive as the Frenchman himself. Looking at him better, Spy noticed that Sniper had put on a suit. Well, something that vaguely resembled one. Even through the darkness of the night, the Frenchman could tell that this was no custom-tailored three-piece suit.

“And you have put on a suit?”

“Well, it’s an old thing, but yeah, I tried.”

“If you wanted something a bit more modern, I could have lent you something.”

“What? Seriously? You’d lend me one of your super expensive ones?”

“Well,” Spy answered. “I would have given it to you, no doubt you would have deformed the silk and cotton. But still.”

“You’re smaller than me though, so I don’t think anything would have been my size.”

“Hm, that is correct. Such a shame we had so little time to prepare or we could have gone to find you something a bit more appropriate.” Spy said.

“We?”

“Well I certainly would not trust you to find something adequate on your own, no offense.”

Sniper smiled.

“None taken, I think you’re actually right…”

They exchanged a glance and a smile.

“Still, it’s weird to hear you with your usual voice but see you with long hair, I mean… I can hardly see anythin’, it’s dark, but your silhouette’s like a sheila’s.” Sniper’s eyes went down to Spy’s chest and nodded to himself. The Frenchman definitely looked like a woman.

“And you have seen the gloss of the lipstick and the longer eyelashes because of the mascara. You have keen eyes.”

“Guess so.” The Aussie took the compliment with a smile.

“No doubt about it.”

“Alright, Spook, we’re in the city now so you’ll have to guide me. I remember the address but no clue where that bloke’s palace is.”

“Fair enough. Go straight until the natural history museum…” Spy started helping out his partner in crime. After a few turns and a few more minutes, both could see the palace.

“That bloke’ house is as big as my parents’ entire farm.” The Aussie queued after the line of cars to enter the mansion’s parking lot.

“I take your word for it.” Spy answered.

“I mean, seriously, why d’you need a house that big? Must cost ya a fortune to take care of… Plus you’re eatin’ out space for other people or animals, makes no sense.”

“Animals?” Spy asked.

“Yeah, imagine if he had a normal house, the rest could be a forest or something, you could have a bit of life there instead of marble and whatnot.”

Spy smiled. That was such a typical thought of Sniper, thinking of the wildlife almost before he thought of himself.

“The queue’s not movin’ that much…” Sniper said, drumming the steering wheel with his index and middle finger.

“Indeed it is not. Cigarette?” Spy took his cigarette case out of his purse and flicked it open between Sniper and him.

“Oh, uh, why not? Thanks, Spook.” The Aussie helped himself to one and Spy lit both of their cigarettes.

“Sniper?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you mind if I adjust your tie knot. It is not straight.”

“Oh? Uh, ok, thanks, mate.”

“No problem, it is inconveniencing me more than you, no doubt.”

“Well, I’m not seein’ it so yeah, I guess you're right.” Sniper stopped the van’s engine and turned towards Spy.

“Is there any light in your van?”

“Oh, sure, here.” The Aussie flicked a switch and his eyes snapped wide.

Spy raised gloved hands to his collar. But it wasn’t his usual dark, short pair, nah, those went up to his elbows, they shone shyly, in white satin. The Aussie realised that Spy was wearing a dark blue, bustier dress with thin sequins, revealing a shy, yet womanly chest.

“You may breathe normally, Sniper. And I am only adjusting your knot, no need to be so anxious. I can hear your heart beat through your breath.” Spy chuckled, not understanding why his colleague was so nervous, but he soon finished and raised his eyes to meet Sniper's. And that's when he understood. Sniper’s face was flushed as red as a brick. “Sniper?”

“Huh? Oh, uh, yeah, thanks, ahem…” Sniper looked away and gulped down hard. That split second that Spy had looked into his eyes had been so intense. The Frenchman sure did know how to put on makeup! As Sniper shut his eyes to erase that image, those eyes so light, they look like angel’s, that eyeliner highlighting their mellow, curvy shape, the mascara making his eyelashes look like butterfly wings, and his thin, red lips… To no avail. The image of that face was burnt into the Aussie’s memory.

“Are you alright?” Spy asked. “Is my cigarette too strong?”

“N-nah, nah, it’s fine, actually, they’re not strong at all.” Sniper started the engine again and followed the caterpillar motion of the line of cars.

“Indeed, if it were my cigarettes, I would have been surprised.” Spy answered. “I know that I smoke like a fireman as we say in French, so I keep to light, menthol ones. I do remember you smoke occasionally too, don’t you?”

“Yeah, sometimes. But mine are cheap and taste like crap next to yours.”

Spy chuckled and Sniper followed him.

“I understand my appearance surprised you.” Spy said, blowing the smoke of his cigarette in a little cloud.

“Yeah, I mean, you really look like a sheila.”

“I have to.” Spy answered. “By the way, thank you.”

“For what?”

“For appreciating my efforts. I imagine that had I gone to complete this mission with any other one of our colleagues, my feminine disguise would have been almost blackmail material for them.”

“You mean they’d make fun of you for it?”

“Oui, I would imagine so.”

“Well, yeah, guess that’s true.”

“But you haven’t. Instead, you complimented my hard work. I appreciate it.”

“Hah, well, you’re welcome, Spook. And thanks for the tie. I never manage to get them right on my own.”

“An easy skill to learn, you just need more training.”

They eventually entered the property and found a parking spot.

“From now on, you do not know me and I do not know you.” Spy said when Sniper stopped the engine. The Aussie nodded. "You do have your earpiece on, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Good. Then we shall either communicate through that, or as we usually do."

Sniper nodded again. Over the months working together, Sniper and Spy had developed a form of wordless communication. It was useful ok the battlefield, when one distracted the enemy and the other took his chance to take them down.

"Anythin' I should or shouldn't do?" Sniper asked. "'M not exactly used to sneaking around and all."

Spy got flattered that Sniper should ask him for advice.

"Well, do not overdo it. The best way for you to go through people is to mingle with them. Those people are here to party? Well, you shall partake too, but reasonably so. Needless to say that a drunk partner in crime is a useless one."

"Yeah, o'course. How will I know when to go upstairs?"

"Keep an eye on me, you will know when you can go."

"Alright, ok." Sniper tried to store all these words preciously in his memory.

"Could you please switch the light back on for an instant?"

"Oh, uh, sure, here."

"Ah, I knew it. This isn't my usual brand of lipstick and part of it went away with the cigarette… I should have had some imported from France, I knew I was running low…" Spy looked through his white purse and took a tube of lipstick. The Aussie couldn't help but stare at his colleague fixing his make-up. "There…" Spy brushed his lips against each other to spread the red lipstick evenly. "This should do. How do I look?"

Sniper was speechless.

"Uh, I-I mean, great, I mean, for a sheila who isn't one, it's… I'd never guess you're a bloke, unless I hear your voice."

"And what about now?"

Sniper's jaw dropped, his colleague now sounded like a woman.

"Alright… You're a sheila alright…"

"Perfect, I shall exit the van first, you wait a few minutes and make your way inside."

"O-ok, yeah."

"See you, Sniper."

"Yeah, see ya…"

Sniper did as he was told and waited in his van, in the silence of his own mind. How the hell could Spy do that…? He looked like a sheila, sounded like one…! The bloke even had at least the upper body of a woman!

"Bloody hell…" Sniper leaned his head back and dived in his own thoughts. He closed his eyes and saw it all again, the feline eyes, the thin lips, the long mane of wavy black hair… "Gosh."

Spy looked attractive as a woman… too.

Sniper took a deep breath and sighed.

This was better than Christmas. He got to spend an evening with the ladykiller dressed and made-up like one himself. Even as a man, Spy was far from repulsive, Sniper thought even if his face was mostly hidden by his mask. His silhouette was exquisite, a bit shorter than Sniper, his shoulders slightly less broad, long, thin legs and he couldn't possibly dress more elegantly. The man was a candy bar for the eyes mounted on two skinny legs, and Sniper had nothing against skinny legs, far from it.

He remembered that one day he had seen Spy without his jacket, just with his white shirt, his tie and his vest. The Aussie had seen him from behind and only then did he realise that the Frenchman's trousers moulded his waist and thighs deliciously. Well, especially his waist from behind…

Sniper blinked and shook his head as if to land back on Earth.

"Right, anyway, time to go."

He exited his van and walked towards the house's entrance. Two massive bodyguards were standing there. He passed them without an issue and climbed the white stairs to the house itself.

Gosh, that's a lot of people…

Immediately, Sniper found himself swimming amongst the dresses and the suits, some waiters were coming and going with trays of thin, fancy glasses on them. One of them stopped in front of Sniper.

"Ah, thanks." He took one and walking through people to find Spy, Sniper kept close to the walls, melting with the wallpaper itself.

C'mon, Spook, where are you…?

The Aussie's keen eyes darted left and right, scanning the crowd.

Or I could find the bloke we're gettin' the Australium from, I'm sure Spy's not far from him.

Sniper looked left and right, crossing different rooms, some wider than others. Finally, he made it to the most spacious one. Along one of the walls were tables filled with food and drinks and opposite that, a jazz band was playing. The Aussie recognised the tune. He leaned back against the wall and sipped on his champagne while his eyes looked at each and every face. Without realising it, his foot was drumming the rhythm of the tune.

Ugh, there were so many people and they were dancing, swarming the place like bees around honey…

"You like this song? Maybe you'd like to dance?"

Sniper's eyes darted down to whoever the woman was who was talking to him. He gasped when he recognised him.

"I-I can't really dance, I mean…"

"Come on, it'll be fun and easy, follow me…"

Of course it had to be Spy. Ah, it had been too good to be true! The Frenchman had been too nice with Sniper and the Aussie had started to wonder if the mischief in his colleague was just something he put on with his colleagues and decided to turn off with him…! But no! Of course he had to play games like these…!

Spy had taken the Aussie's hand with his white gloved one and he pulled him to the dancefloor. The song in the background suddenly sprang to Sniper’s ears. The Frenchman put his colleagues’ hands on him, one on his hip and the other against his palm. Spy started moving left and right, gently rocking the both of them. Sniper looked down and his eyes shot back up when he saw Spy’s chest. Even though he knew it was all an illusion, make-up and some hard work, his parents had nonetheless not raised him to look down womens’ cleavages…

“Mh, not bad.” Spy said with his female voice. “You lead now.” He stopped moving and Sniper, still looking up at the ceiling as if it would burn his eyes to look at his dance partner, started leading. Well, leading was a big word, he was moving, rocking left and right. “Just follow the rhythm…”

Sniper’s heart threatened to burst out of his ribcage. Spy was leaning his head against his chest.The Aussie gulped down hard and looked down. The fact that Spy wasn’t looking at him eased him somehow, he relaxed and moved in rhythm now. His hips swung with the double-bass, and soon, without realising it, his hand slid from Spy’s hip to his back. The Frenchman smiled, his eyes closed against his colleagues’ suit, and he pushed his hands to splay them both on his broad chest.

“What’re you makin’ me do, Spook…?” Sniper had managed to forget the people around him to only focus on the warmth of Spy’s body against his. He spoke with his eyes closed too.

“You took your time to join me here.” Spy answered.

“Sorry… I just… Bah, whatever.”

“It is fine, as long as you are here now.”

Spy’s feminine voice just wrapped Sniper warmly in a fashion that only rivaled with his normal, male voice.

“S-Spook, we should be gettin’ to work…”

“Oh but we are.” Spy smirked before he raised his fair eyes to Sniper. “You see the man in the black and white suit over my shoulder? He is wearing a red satin scarf on his shoulders.”

Sniper looked in the direction indicated by Spy.

“Yeah, I see’im.”

“That is the man that I shall entertain. I tried getting his attention but I am afraid that the competition tonight is hard for me to match.”

“What’re you talkin’ about?” Sniper asked.

“Those women following him, he has eyes only for them. He is practically blind to the rest of the world. Arh, Miss Pauling should have told us earlier, I would have had time to dye my hair black….”

“What’re you talkin’ about? Your hair is already black.”

“It has some grey, too much of it. I couldn’t dye it so I had to use a wig with matching greying temples and front. It would have been odd to have long black hair but some grey roots.”

“I don't think your grey hair’s a problem. I mean, it’s beautiful as it is, I mean the wig, heh…”

Spy raised his eyes to Sniper again. “Thank you.”

“Yeah, you’re welcome… But uh, so what’s the plan, now?”

“Now, I need to attract his attention in a different way. If my looks in this attire are not enough, then I shall try something else. You, keep an eye on me and wait for my signal, d’accord?”

[Understood?]

“Alright.”

Spy freed himself from Sniper’s dancing embrace.

“Spook?”

“Oui?”

“You… You be careful, ok?”

Spy gave him a smile, one that he had never seen before, it was a lopsided grin, his eyes were smiling too, his eyelashes bowing gently.

“You too.”

And just like that, Spy was out of Sniper’s arms. The Aussie’s eyes lingered on the Frenchman and that’s when he realised that the dress he was wearing had two long slits left and right, revealing his legs up to a half of his thighs. Spy was also somehow managing to walk with high heeled stilettos, black ones, that laced up his calves. The laces then dissolved into black stockings that hugged his leg in the most enticing way, up to his thigh.

“God, he’s somethin’...” Sniper said out loud, even though no one heard him. “Hold on, what is he - what the…?”

Spy walked to the jazz band and Sniper saw him talk to the leader. After a few seconds of Spy talking, the leader of the band nodded and the music died down. Sniper went to the table and grabbed a glass before he leaned on the wall next to him.

The music started again and Sniper frowned. Why was Spy staying there? Why was he taking the microphone? Why was - oh…

{To the reader, the song is “Dream a little dream of me” by Pink Martini and the Von Trapps}

“Stars shining bright above you,

Night breezes seem to whisper "I love you",

Birds singing in the sycamore tree,

Dream a little dream of me.”

Sniper’s jaw dropped. The song was so delicate, the dancing area filled quickly, and as Sniper cast a glance over to the wealthy man surrounded by his harem of lightly dressed ladies, he noticed that the performance had caught his eye. Good old Spook, has more tricks up his sleeve than we imagine, Sniper thought. His eyes went back to Spy. He sang with his shining, satin, white gloved hands left and right from the microphone stand, his hips swinging deliciously, revealing in rhythm his left and right thigh. A spotlight switched on, right on him, and Spy pushed a lock of his fake long hair behind his ear. Sniper could definitely not agree with Spy, his greying hair at the front and on his temples was absolutely an asset, not a setback at all. It shone in silver under the spotlight.

“Say "Night-ie night" and kiss me,

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me,

While I'm alone and blue as can be,

Dream a little dream of me...!”

A man shoved Sniper as he passed by and the Aussie was about to say something when he realised that it was the man in question, the man they were about to steal the Australium from. His face then radiated in triumph. Go, Spook, go! You got him! That's it! And you were doubtin’ yerself, look at you…! Who in their right mind wouldn’t take a second to look at you now? I mean now and anytime! You’re just… Sniper bit his lip. Thinking those words was too much. He shall not even think them but keep them in their raw form, as a thought, not mould them into letters and sounds, no, he shall keep that warmth inside him and leave it as a flame.

“Stars fading but I linger on, dear,

Still craving your kiss,

I'm longing to linger till dawn, dear,

Just saying this...”

Gosh, Sniper wished he could stay and listen to the whole song, listen to more of them even. How could Spy sing so well and with a feminine voice at that…? How…?

“Sweet dreams till sunbeams find you,

Sweet dreams that leave all worries behind you,

But in your dreams whatever they be,

Dream a little dream of me…!”

The plump man and his flock of sheilas was at the very front now watching the show. Sniper saw him and his eyes quickly darted back up to Spy, he did not want to miss anything of his performance. It was certainly the first and the last time that he would hear the Frenchman perform this way.

But the song ended and the guests applauded loudly.

“Thank you.” Spy said in the microphone. “I would like to dedicate this song to the one hunter brave enough to climb the stairs of my stone hard heart and steal the golden wand of love that he put there.”

Sniper took it as his cue. Without hesitating, he spun on his heels and went to find the stairs. On his way, he heard Spy starting a new song.

So I have about three minutes before the song ends… He thought to himself and climbed the stairs. Once he reached the first floor, he walked through the corridors until he found the right room.

He gasped. A guard was coming! Quickly, Sniper stuck his back to the wall at thecorner. Arh! He needed something to distract the guy away from his path, but he had nothing on him but that short suit and - oh!

The Aussie got an idea. He took one of his sleeves and tore a button of his cuffs off before throwing it on the hardwood floor.

"Huh?" The guard heard the noise and went to inspect whatever caused it. Meanwhile, Sniper snuck past and slipped in the right room.

Alright, let's do this…

He closed the door after him and looked around. The room might have been part of a museum. It contained all kinds of artefacts, statues, coins, paintings, knick-knacks of all sizes and shapes.

Ah, there ye are…

A stick of Australium not longer than a pen but quite thicker was under one of the glass panes. Sniper looked left and right before he got his fingers closer to the glass.

Please, Engie, tell me you disabled the alarms…!

The Aussie put his fingertips on the glass and taking a deep breath, he pulled the glass upwards very slowly, the sweat breaking on his brow. No alarm rang, there wasn’t a sound.

Hah, piece o’piss!

Sniper put the object in his inside pocket and made his way out of the room. He luckily found his button back and picked it up from the floor to put it in his pocket. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he melted in the people, looking for Spy to tell him he had what they needed; that they could leave that posh party.

“Oh…”

Sniper stopped sharp. From where he was, people walking around him, swarming like ants, he stood tall, his head above the average crowd and what he saw had an unexpected effect on him. Spy had indeed caught the guy’s attention, no doubt about that. Sniper found the Frenchman off the stage, a bit further were laid a few sofas for the VIPs no doubt. Spy was on one of them, well, not directly on the sofa, the Frenchman was on the guy’s lap, a glass of champagne in his hand, one leg elegantly crossed over the other, his stockings showing entirely on one leg. The Aussie was fuming. He wanted to go there, cover Spy’s leg with his jacket, take the Frenchman’s hand and drag him out. He frowned, furious.

At some point, Spy caught sight of him. He murmured something in the guy’s ear and Sniper couldn’t bear it anymore, he spun on his heels and made his way to his van. Well, Spy would understand that those parties weren’t really Sniper’s natural habitat and that he preferred to wait in his van.

So Sniper left the mansion, hurtled down the white marble stairs, retreated to his van, and slammed the door shut as he slumped down on his seat. He sighed and taking the steering wheel in his hands, he started drumming his fingers impatiently.

Impatiently?

The fact that the patient hunter lost his ability to behave professionally and wait made him blind with rage, boiling on his seat. He shut his eyes and leaned his head back to take a nap. He tried, but the frown on his brow kept him up, he could not possibly relax.

“Sniper?”

He opened his eyes. Spy had opened the passenger’s door.

“Do you have it?”

“Yeah.”

“Perfect! Let us be on our way then.”

“Yeah.” Sniper waited for Spy to fasten his seatbelt before he started the engine, and off both of them went back to the base.

The drive back was mostly silent, if one ignored the rumble of the van’s engine.

“Sniper?”

“What?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Spy frowned.

“What is it?” He asked.

"What's what?”

“This attitude of yours.” Spy answered. “I left you after the dance and come to find you another different man altogether, and not in a good way, what happened? Did you get caught?”

“No.”

“Did you have to kill someone?”

“No.”

“Did you get hurt?”

“Spook, please.”

“What?” Spy asked.

“Get off my back.” Sniper coldly answered.

“I will not.” Spy replied, determined.

“For Christ’s sake…”

“What happened for you to turn so… furious?” Spy asked. “I demand to know!”

“Pfff, you demand nothin’, mate.”

“Yes, I do.” Spy answered and removed his wig. “I thought you were in a good mood up until I left you, what happened then?”

Sniper sighed.

“Was it something I did or said?” Spy asked.

“Leave me alone.”

“Non.” Spy started removing the padding on his chest and he sat back on his seat.

The rest of the drive back to the base was utterly silent up until Sniper parked the van in front of the base. He waited for Spy to get out but the Frenchman remained marble-like.

“We’re here, Spook, you can get off.” Sniper undid his seatbelt and hopped off. He went to the back of his van to get a change, but as he climbed up at the back, he noticed that Spy hadn’t moved, as the van hadn’t shaken on its tired suspensions. So the Aussie went back to his driver's seat and opened the door. As he did so, the lights came on inside the van. “Hey, you heard me? We’re back at the base.” Sniper wasn’t even looking at Spy.

“I know.”

“Well then get out, go to your room and do whatever your spooky arse does in the evenin’...!” Sniper said, looking at the base.

“Non.” Spy answered. “Not before I know what is driving you to speak to me in this manner. But If you do speak to me so, then surely I am responsible for your foul mood. So I demand you tell me what I did wrong.”

“Arh, for fuck’s sake, Spy, you did nothin’ wrong! Now just go, will ya? I’ve got stuff to do!”

“Oh, that you have, Sniper.” Spy finally uncrossed his arms and turned to look Sniper in the eye, the Aussie raised his head and with the lights of the van on, he noticed that Spy had removed the make-up somehow and the wig had gone too. He was… He was Spy again... minus the mask! “And the first thing you will do is explain to me what I did for you to become aggressive!”

A light switched on in the base and it lit a window brightly. Sniper looked at Spy who was still in his dress and himself, still in his suit.

“We can’t stay here.” Sniper said and hopped off, followed by Spy this time. Sniper opened the back door and hopped in, he turned and saw Spy extending a hand up to get some help. Sniper raised a curious eyebrow.

“Some of us are wearing high heels and a dress, Sniper.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Sniper took Spy’s satin, gloved hand and pulled him in, as he did so, Spy climbed the high step as best as he could but his balance was fragile, so Sniper pulled him by the waist before shutting the door after both of them.

“Now, pray explain everything to me.” Spy said.

“There’s nothin’ to explain, I’m just… I’m just tired, is all.”

“Liar, and a very poor one at that.” Spy switched the light on inside the van and went to a jar containing some candy. He helped himself to one, which pushed Sniper deeper down in his anger.

“Alright, it’s you! I mean, me!”

“What did you or I do?”

Sniper sighed and Spy knew he had won.

“It’s just… It’s my fault, I got carried away…” Sniper sat on the bench and lowered his head, holding it in his hands.

“Carried away?” Spy asked, taking a seat next to him. “What do you mean?”

“The… The whole thing… You as a sheila, the party, the dance, your singin’... I put funny ideas in my head, is all.” Sniper admitted and immediately regretted it. It was Spy he was talking to, the man who used blackmail as butter to spread on his morning toasts…! “Yeah, alright, you can go tell the others or laugh at me, or whatever it is you wanna do with it.”

“Sniper…” Spy put a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Do you mean that… you thought there was more to my performance than mere acting?”

Sniper silently nodded, still not looking his colleague in the eye, his head lowered.

“I enjoyed this evening too, you know.” Spy said. “And you surprised me with your dancing skills.”

“Spy, spare me your mockin’ and go straight to the point. You’re gonna ask me to pay you to not tell the others or somethin’? Well I don’t give a rat’s arse, you can tell’em, you can tell what happened and even more than what happened, I don’t care. I just…”

“I… I don’t follow you, Sniper.”

Sniper shook his head.

“I surprised you with my dancin’? Yeah, well I told you I couldn’t dance but you insisted. That’s what you get.”

“Sniper, I did not mean it that way, on the contrary!”

“What?” Sniper’s head jerked back up and he looked at his friend with wide surprised eyes.

“I… You were hesitant at first but when you finally let go, it was… divine.”

Sniper raised an eyebrow, he expected to see irony in Spy’s eyes, but either he was playing too well or there was really none…

“I didn’t really dance, I just, I just moved a bit, that's all.”

“Yet you held me close and…” Spy chuckled, hearing himself. “Pardon my sentimentality, it must come as a surprise to you.”

“That, or you’re really actin’ a part.” Sniper answered.

“I am not.” Spy shook his head. “Would I be sitting here with you, in a dress and face naked, to tell you lies?”

Sniper sighed.

“I don’t know.” He answered.

“But all that does not answer my question, Sniper. Why were you so tense, angry even?” Spy gently brushed his hand on his friend’s arm and Sniper turned to look him in the eye before he realised that Spy’s eyes were a lot to take in, and he averted his gaze instead.

“Well, I told you a bit, I might as well come clean with ya.” Sniper took a deep breath. “Look, I saw you today and uh… Well, I mean, usually… Uh… Arh, I’m sorry, I’m not the best when it comes to words.”

“Then, stand up.” Spy stood up and offered his still gloved hand.

“What?”

“Stand up, come on.”

Sniper obeyed, although he had no idea where Spy was going.

“Alright, now what?”

“Now close your eyes. Can you hear it?”

“Hear what?” Sniper asked with his eyes closed.

“The music, the same mellow tunes that we heard and danced to, a few hours ago. How were we, again? Ah, yes, just like so.” Spy put Sniper’s hands back where they were. “Are your eyes still closed?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you see?”

“We’re back there and uh… I’m wonderin’ what you’re makin’ me do.”

Spy smiled when he felt Sniper’s hand slide from his hip to his back, exactly as it had done earlier. The Frenchman leaned his head on Sniper’s chest.

“Gosh…”

“Now, tell me what bothers you.” Spy’s voice was velvet like.

“I just… I held you there and you, you looked amazin’, Spook, you were… beautiful. Heh, as a bloke you’re not too bad either, but I don’t know, seein’ you like that, it was just… Gosh…” Sniper was talking almost to himself, out loud, forgetting that Spy was against him, even though he felt the warmth of his body, the comfort of his sweet embrace. He was rocking him left and right, as he had when they danced.

“What happened that made you so angry?” Spy gently asked.

“Seein’ you on that bloke’s lap.” Sniper admitted, his eyes closed. "I just… I don't know. I felt like… I saw you there, drinkin' and-and your dress…"

"What about it?"

"It…" Sniper frowned. "It was wide open and… You might as well've been naked, it was wrong, it was so wrong, the way he… He groped you and touched you… I felt like…"

"What did you want to do?" Spy whispered, and he felt Sniper tighten his embrace around him.

"Wanted to cover your legs with my jacket… Didn't want him or anyone else to see you like that." Sniper had now stopped dancing, he was only holding Spy dearly against himself. "I'm sorry, it's… patronisin' and pathetic, I saw you like a defenseless sheila even though I know you'd never let anyone play with you."

"It is not patronising, I appreciate the thought. Besides," Spy slid his hands on Sniper's chest and raised his head. "I thought I was clear."

"About what?"

"Do you remember what I said at the end of the song?"

"Somethin' about a hunter climbin' stairs and getting some gold, yeah, that was your signal, wasn't it?" Sniper was looking down at Spy.

"Oh oui, it was a signal, it was a lot of signals. Do you remember my exact words?"

"Nah, not exactly."

"I would like to dedicate this song to the one hunter brave enough to climb the stairs of my stone hard heart and steal the golden wand of love that he put there.”

"Yeah, poetic, eh?"

"It was a declaration, Sniper." Spy's tone of voice was serious.

"A declaration of what?"

"Of love." Spy answered. "I sang that song, Dream a little dream of me, as a declaration of my love for you."

Spy paused for a second, to let Sniper take the measure of what he had just said. He saw the shock in his wide open eyes and his cut breath. The Frenchman leaned against Sniper again.

"I enjoyed dancing with you so much that for a second I dreamt that we weren't there for business, that we could take our time, that I could have a dance with you. While I was waiting for you, the hesitation of the choice gnawed me on the inside: should I go and dance with him? Should I not? Well, although the answer was 'I should not or we could get caught together', my heart decided to ask you to dance anyway." Spy basked in the warmth of Sniper's body against him. "I wished that we could make that music last forever, I wished that I could prolong that song and that dance until the end of time."

"W-what…?" Sniper's voice came out as a hoarse whisper.

"But listening to what you felt now," Spy went on. "I have to ask you." He raised his head to Sniper. "Were you feeling… jealousy in your heart?"

Sniper closed his eyes and nodded.

"It's stupid but… I felt like, because of that small dance with me, I felt like we were, y'know, something. And when I saw that guy touchin' you and treatin' you like one the other sheilas, I lost it. Because you're not a sheila, and even if you were, you wouldn't be one of those. You're different."

"You know, in my long career and even longer life, it is not the first time that I have to disguise myself as a female. However, it is the first time that I felt natural doing so, all because of you, Sniper."

"What d'you mean?" Sniper looked down at Spy.

"You looked at me as if you were looking at a woman, you did not see a shred of masculinity in me and your eyes devoured me, not the Spy me, the woman, me. The jealousy you felt, was all because I looked like a woman." Spy took a step back from Sniper. The loss of warmth between them made them realise that the van was quite cold in fact. "Thank you for helping in that wordless way, my performance was enhanced by your faith in my skills." Spy removed the long, white gloves. "I… I shall not bother you any longer, it is quite late already."

As Sniper had been mostly silent all along, not once contradicting Spy, the Frenchman thought that the Aussie had only been attracted by the disguise, not the person under it. He sighed and walked out of the van, leaving Sniper alone.

The Aussie 's knees gave up and he sat on the bench.

What? He thought. He sang… To me? What did the song say again? Uhm… C'mon, it's a classic, I know it…

Sniper closed his eyes and pressed his brains. The lyircs came back to him.

“Say "Night-ie night" and kiss me,

Just hold me tight and tell me you'll miss me,

While I'm alone and blue as can be,

Dream a little dream of me…"

Gosh. Sniper looked through the window. The lights were out in the base, at least the side of the building that he could see.

"I need to talk to him. He thinks I just felt jealous of the sheila he played, fuck!"

Sniper leapt out of his van and ran to the base, he entered and ran again through the corridor, he took a flight of stairs down, hurtling down, and stopped in front of the door with the knife symbol. He gave a knock. No answer. He knocked again and waited, looking at the keyhole and the whole door, wondering how he could enter even if Spy didn't let him in.

"Whoever is bothering me at this hour of the night, prepare your spine, my blades will kiss you goodnight!" A furious voice with a French accent roared from behind the door. Spy opened the door, in his pyjamas with a blade in his hand and a balaclava on his face. He stopped sharp and sighed, lowering his weapon. "What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk."

"I said all I had to." Spy answered and didn’t move from his door. "There is nothing for me to add."

“Spy, please…?”

The Frenchman sighed before he yielded and moved from the doorway, letting Sniper in. He shut the door after him and removed his balaclava and gloves, before he put his blade away.

“Can I…?” Sniper looked at the sofa.

“Pray do.” Spy nodded and took a seat on the sofa too.

“You were wrong.” Sniper said without introduction and Spy scoffed.

“About what, if I may ask?”

“Pretty much everythin’.” Sniper answered.

“Ah, well, in that case, please enlighten me at this advanced hour of the night where my heart and mind have suffered long and through, please add to my misery.”

Sniper looked at Spy in a way that meant that he had not come to him for an exchange of witty remarks.

“I didn’t just feel jealous cause you looked like a sheila and I somehow forgot you were a bloke. ‘M not stupid.” Sniper said. “I felt jealous anyway. I just didn’t like the way the guy touched you, regardless of what you look like.”

“Ah, charming and very gallant.” Spy’s sarcasm was a way to let his frustration go but it contaminated Sniper.

“Listen,” He answered and Spy could hear the annoyance in his voice. “I got jealous regardless, I got jealous because the guy had his dirty hands all over you, Spook, you.” Sniper pointed his finger at his colleague. “I didn’t care that you looked like a sheila, I didn’t care and I don’t care what you look like at all, cause before this evenin’ I had no idea what you looked like without the mask.”

Spy’s eyebrows jumped. He hadn’t thought of that.

“So… It wasn’t because of my disguise as a female?” He tilted his head.

“No, you idiot! I just… I loved the dance with you, it felt… normal. I’m not big on these things but it felt nice with you, even though I had no idea what I was doin’, it was almost like it didn’t matter. You were there and… And you were holdin’ on to me and… Me too. Felt nice, really nice.” Sniper crossed his arms on his chest.

Spy scooted over to Sniper on the sofa. He slipped one arm around the Aussie and hugged it while leaning on him.

“Spook?”

“Hm?” Spy had closed his eyes.

“Did you sing that song… to me?”

“For you, oui.”

“Did you… mean the stuff you sang?”

“Every single word.”

“Oh.” Sniper relaxed his arms and looked down to his left. Spy was clinging, breathing slowly.

“And you, were you really jealous?” He asked with his eyes shut.

“Yeah… Yeah, I was, for real. I’m a bit dumb like that. You touched me and I just… I just imagined things. Felt like a dream though, really.”

“The best kind of dream, the one that you make with open eyes.” Spy answered in a sigh, his heart swelling in his chest.

“Spook?”

“Oui?”

“Hold on…” Sniper pulled himself out of Spy’s embrace and the frenchman failed to hide his disappointment at the lack of contact. “It’s gettin’ late and uh…”

“You want to return to your van, I suppose?”

“Yeah, I mean… As much as I'd like to stay with you, uh…"

"Who said you couldn't?" Spy asked.

"No one, but… Even my bunk's more comfy than your couch."

“What about my bed?”

The surprise of the question made Sniper stop talking for a long moment. Spy smiled. He stood up and extended his hand to Sniper, the same way that he had done to invite him to dance. Sniper's eyes went from Spy's to his hand. He hesitated for a second, but raised his hand and put it on top of Spy's.

"Come on." Spy led him to his bedroom and shut the door after them. "I can lend you something to sleep with, although it might be a bit short on your legs."

"It's fine… I mean, I usually don't sleep with much but uh… Spy, you sure about this?"

Spy went to the other side of the bed. He satdown and gave his back to Sniper.

"I would love you to join me, please."

"A-alright." Sniper took the opportunity of Spy not looking at him to shed his clothes only to stay in his tanktop and boxer shorts. "You can turn, Spook."

"May I?"

"Yeah."

Spy turned and even in the low light of the night lamps Sniper saw his pupils blow wide.

"Uhm… So, you take that side?" The Aussie asked.

"The only side I take is yours."

Both slipped under the blanket and Spy latched on his lover. He put a hand on Sniper's chest, slithered a leg between his and rested his head on his shoulder.

"Woah…" Sniper said, overwhelmed by it all.

"If you would rather I faced the other side,-"

"No." Sniper cut Spy. "Nah, it's… you're alright."

"Sniper?"

"Hm?"

Spy raised his lips to be near the Aussie's ear.

"I am yours." He whispered.

"Gosh… c’mere…” This time Sniper wrapped his arms around Spy and hugged him dearly. He kissed his brow and the Frenchman moaned in thanks. “Oh, sorry, too much?”

“Non, on the contrary, please?”

Sniper kissed Spy on his forehead again and he felt the Frenchman’s legs stretch against his.

"Someone's happy, eh?”

“Delighted…” Spy purred and buried himself down Sniper’s neck, softly nuzzling there. He whispered words that the Aussie barely heard.

“Ah, wow… Spook, we’re never gonna sleep…” Sniper heard the soft sound of kisses, he felt the Frenchman gently exploring his skin. “Also, what’re you sayin’? Can’t hear you…”

“I am saying things that you know already, so you don’t need to hear them.” Spy purred.

“What? Nah, c'mon, tell me, I wanna know…” Sniper chuckled, Spy’s kisses were tickling him.

“I was saying…”

“Yeah?”

“Je t’aime.”

“What’s that mean?”

“I love you, Sniper.”

Sniper’s eyes snapped wide.

“I uh, me too, Spook. I… I love you.”

Spy pulled himself out of his hideout and looked down at Sniper, his cheeks red. He bent down until their foreheads touched, he gently brushed his hooked nose against Sniper’s. One of Spy’s hands was on Sniper’s cheek, the other was in his har, massaging his scalp.

“Gosh, Spook…” Sniper’s heartbeat filtered through his breath.

“May I?”

“May you what?”

“Do something that I have yearned to.” Spy whispered. “Please, I beg of you, Sniper, let me kiss your lips…”

Sniper’s breath hitched.

“I-yeah, pelase, Spook, I mean, yeah-mmmh…”

Spy did not wait for the end of the sentence and gently pushed his lips against Sniper’s, tightening the grip he had on his hair. Sniper rolled his eyes up in bliss and felt his entire body go limp. Only his heart burnt in his chest, and his lips too.

When Spy withdrew, they both took a deep breath and chuckled.

“Sorry, I’m…” Sniper looked away.

“Oh, please, don’t apologise you did nothing wrong.” Spy smiled and rested his forehead against Sniper’s again.

“Gosh, Spook, I can feel you breathin’ against me and… You’re layin’ on me… I love that, I mean, you’re warm and, I don’t know, it’s comfy.”

Spy chuckled.

“Spook?”

“Oui?”

“Can we do it again, I mean, pelase?”

“As much as you want.” Spy bent down to meet Sniper’s lips and the Aussie rolled on the bed to be on top of the Frenchman. He frowned as he took the lead and decided to kiss him better, not just pushing his lips. He gently grabbed Spy’s upper lip between both of his. Spy moaned low, like a pur, he hooked his arms up around Sniper’s neck and pulled his body down.

The night was spent. Sleepless, but it was spent.

#tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sniperspy

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hyperfixationation · 4 years ago

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me ideas relating to boots n bombs but it’s a list for the world to see

Disclaimer that these are all cross-faction (RED demoman BLU soldier because WAR! comic is good stuff) and i cannot promise that they make sense because over the months of writing/yeeting ideas/rambles at myself and sal ( @/0-salty-potato-0 shoutout to her for being my ramble sponge) also in part because i’ve kinda developed BLU and RED team members independently fjskds

summary of summary: perfect world, modern, established relationship, timetravel, royalty, amnesia, mermaid, and then some (20 ideas in varying summary length in total lmao) underneath the cut (if tumblrs a butt and does not cut i sincerely apologies)

Perfect world au Tavish and Jane spend their days fighting each other, belonging to two different teams yet thick as thieves in the bright of day. Their jobs are fun and engaging, their teams close as families, and late nights laughing together over a few bottles of beer to look forward to on the empty battlefields. They’re happy, they have everything they could want and everything is perfect. So why was Tavish saying it’s not?

Modern au where Tavish lives in the affectionately (or not) named RED cul-de-sac, given from the fact that all the houses had some sort of red color tint or highlights. An interesting neighborhood, with even more interesting neighbors. Life fell into an odd but familiar routine since he moved there, life was comfortable. That was until one of his neighbors crashed one of Conagher’s barbecues announcing that his twin brother none of them had ever heard about was going to be living with him for the time being. This wouldn’t have been much of an issue, if Tavish didn't live in the house right next to Solly. (In a vaguely similar vein theres also one where Soldier’s a ghost/eldritch being haunting a house that Tavish buys

Established Relationship AU where BLU Scout stumbles across his Soldier and the RED Demoman being buddy buddy’s not long after the WAR! after a long battle in Dustbowl, confused and a bit betrayed by the Soldier’s actions, he runs back to his base only to be intercepted by none other than the RED Spy. The Spy asks for secrecy, after some persuasion Scout agrees reluctantly. But, how long could the Scout keep a secret anyway? Story deals with both teams reaction to their teammates relationship with an enemy merc

Timetravel au where the RED Demoman drunkenly begs for a chance to fix a great wrong and he’s sent into the past by Merasmus. Only he’s sent far into the past, right in the middle of the WAR! between him and the enemy Soldier. Tavish has to navigate this old world, interact with teammates with years of familiarity gone, without bringing too much suspicion upon himself. All at the same time trying to make sure the future never goes the way it does. It’s almost too much, but he was the bloody Demoman, he’ll persevere. He had to. Even if it meant reliving one of the worst fights in his life against a man he could no longer bring himself to harm.

Mermaid au where the ocean had always called out to Jane. An odd sense of anxiety settles inside of him when the company he’s been working for to fend off supernatural beings from american lands stations him to protect the coasts. And it was fine, he was born to kill monsters. That was what they told him. So why did one of the enemies, a deadly siren with a missing eye, know his name? Why did he seem so relieved to see him? Claiming to know him from a past he had forgotten?

Royalty AU okay i have like 4 takes on royalty au but one of them is that RED and BLU are enemy kingdoms but a sudden out of the blue truce that the RED court is informed of via BLU sending some members of their court as ambassadors, suspicions and tensions are naturally high and they both have to learn to deal with it, however the BLU general and RED prince seem to be getting along surprisingly well after a few spars

Amnesia AU talked a bit about it in that ask anon sent, general concept one day the BLU Soldier goes missing, nobody is able to find him until one day the RED Demoman, Sniper and Spy get stranded in a nameless off the map town. Finding a man who looked, sounded and acted just like the missing Soldier in a bar, only he showed no recollection of them.

Another spin would be the whole BLU team goes missing, also with more of those brainwashy-culty vibes

Classic 5+1, five firsts and one last that details their life together before, during and after the WAR!

Post MVM pre-comics setting where the former BLU Soldier confronts the former RED demoman at his own home, age old lies are uncovered and old bridges rebuilt as the two learn to live together

Canon comics except Jane’s also there, whats on the tin when Miss Pauling goes to recruit Demoman to find the australium for the Administrator she was expecting an immediate yes. She planned for it. Yet the Demoman hesitated, and soon she saw the reason why. Tavish would only go if Jane could come along, car ride’s a bit cramped but it would have to be a minor inconvenience

Idk name of ones/random drabble ideas:

Self indulgent Jane is brainwashed by Gray Mann after the gravel wars, after Gray Mann is defeated he sends Jane (“General”) to protect and hide Olivia Mann so that the company stays his, post comics red team + Pauling have been looking for them but Tavish was the first to find them while reminiscing in Gravel Pits and basically “jane the fuck that kids a devil”

During Scream Fortress where Jane and Tavishs long buried guilt and self hatred regarding their relationship with each other takes form as living nightmares as mountains of gibs and sea of heads

Fusion au except idk how to write fusions so it’d focus more on the vibes

After red v blu wars but Before MVM tavish goes to have an actual talk with jane for the first time in years

BLU Soldier gets turned into a kid and somehow stumbles into RED base

Misunderstanding with Merasmus gets tavish and Jane bodyswapped

Undercover, RED’s protecting some random guy and BLU’s there to kidnap/kill in a fancy rich person ball sort-of setting

Wings au

Soulmate au

Honestly just she-ra au, let them be princesses

#demosolly #boots n bombs #tf2 #rye rambles #BIG rye rambles #fdskjds this is again just summaries of most of the stuff i've been thinking about/drabbling since i started hyperfixating #on this mess of a ship #some of these have some unfinished/messy drabbles but most are concepts i just work on if i feel like it #i usually dont share my ideas like this because of a really weird paranoia/anxiety that people will steal them but also like #pspspsps at fellow demosolly shippers

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fruit-teeth · 4 years ago

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Matters of Time and Fate (Chapter 12)

Olivia awoke on the living room carpet, of all places. She panicked for a brief moment, as she couldn’t figure out where she was at first, but then she remembered that she’d sat down there to watch TV earlier.

She sat up, looking around, rubbing her eyes. Behind her, Demoman and Zhanna sat on the couch, watching a news channel of some kind.

Zhanna noticed that Olivia had woken up, and she remarked, “You are awake, little girl. TV must be very boring for you,”

Olivia couldn’t even recall what she had been watching before she dozed off. She rubbed her eye again, shrugging. “I dunno,” she then noticed the shirt Zhanna was wearing: it was a long t-shirt, with an American flag printed on it. The words, ‘I’m American and I’m not going anywhere’ were printed right beneath it. “What’s that shirt?”

“This? Is Jane’s shirt,” Zhanna replied gleefully. “I steal it!”

On the TV, a news anchor announced, “We now turn to an interview with Stacy Bartlet, the Florida woman who claims she has three breasts!”

Demoman quickly changed the channel, grunting. “Och, bloody stupid American television…” he smiled back at Olivia, patting the spot on the couch. “Ye don’t have to sit on the floor! Come sit with us, lass…sorry we didn’t wake ye up, we didn’t know if ye usually slept on the floor or what,”

Olivia got up off the floor, hoisting herself onto the couch and sitting beside Demo. “Sometimes I sleep in the hallway of my house. When my daddy gets ready and takes a shower in the morning, I like to sleep and wait for him in the hall outside the bathroom,”

Demo’s smile faltered a little as he realized Olivia was still speaking about her father in the present tense, but he didn’t correct her. “Aye. Is it comfortable?”

“I guess,” Olivia frowned, noticing her hair had gotten messy as a result of her impromptu nap. “But daddy says not to do it anymore…”

Zhanna reached over, smoothing Olivia’s hair down with her hand. “Messy, messy,” she chided, clicking her tongue. Olivia startled at the touch, since Zhanna was a bit rough when she did that. As Zhanna sat back down again, Olivia realized the rag that had been tied up around Zhanna’s wrist was now replaced with a clean bandage.

Demo glanced at the clock on the wall, frowning. “Hell, it’s gettin’ late…where’s the other blokes? They should be back by now…”

“If they are kidnapped, we will save them,” Zhanna stated. “I will break spine of any man who hurts Jane or Misha,”

Olivia sat up taller, surprised. “Whoa, you can do that?”

Before Zhanna could answer, a car pulled into the driveway outside. Demo noticed, and he announced, “Hale’s here!”

Olivia’s heart sank as she realized what this meant: she was going to be expected to sign Mann Co. over to Hale. Not wanting to face or think about that, she grabbed a throw pillow, placing it over her face to mask herself in darkness again.

Miss Pauling walked in, glancing through the window. “Oh, yeah—he’s here,” she reached down, carefully nudging the pillow away from Olivia. “Hey, it’s time,”

Olivia lowered the pillow, glaring up silently at Miss Pauling. Miss Pauling sighed, setting the pillow down. “Look, it’s gonna be okay,”

Demo placed a hand on Olivia’s back, encouraging her, “Ye better do it, lass…it’s what’s best,”

She stared at her shoes, before she slipped off the couch and followed Miss Pauling into the other room.

Saxton Hale entered the house, his presence filling up the whole area the moment he stepped in. Behind him, Bidwell carried the suitcase, and Miss Pauling quickly ushered the two of them into the study.

Helen was already at the table, and she stood up when the two men entered. Her eyes focused directly on the suitcase, and she gestured for it to be brought closer to her.

“Is that all of it?” she asked, watching as Bidwell sat it down on the table. Her voice sounded anxious, although her face remained composed.

“Well…no,” Saxton confessed. “Sage had more,”

Helen raised an eyebrow. “Oh? And where is that, pray tell?”

“He was only willing to give it to us for an extra price…”

“And what was that price, Hale? Was it too high?”

Hale took a breath, before he leaned in and whispered it into Helen’s ear. Helen was quiet for a long moment, until she cleared her throat.

“I see…” Helen’s eye twitched. “I suppose I will have to have a meeting with Mr. Sage, won’t I?” she looked back at the suitcase, putting her hand on it. She undid the zipper in a very slow and deliberate matter, and instantly she felt the very presence of the Australium. She closed her eyes in reverence, basking in the feeling just a touch of it gave her. Very little in her life would ever replace what she felt in the presence of this substance…

Helen blinked, straightening up once more and clearing her throat. She pushed the suitcase in Miss Pauling’s direction, advising her, “Put this somewhere safe,”

“Yes, ma’am,” Miss Pauling replied, standing up and going to the door, carrying the suitcase under her arm.

The door closed, and Helen turned to look at Olivia, who had been sitting quietly beside her. They locked eyes for a moment, and for a few seconds, Helen actually felt a flash of guilt for what she was about to take away from this child. But it did not last long at all, as she knew that this was the best decision for Olivia…and for the company, of course.

Bidwell laid out the official document and a pen, pushing it towards Olivia. “Here: read it through as best as you can and sign on the line below,”

Olivia did try to read the document. She could read, she knew how, but her father had always handled documents like these. She barely knew what half of the words on the paper even meant.

She looked back up at Hale, a glimmer of malice in her eyes. “Can I fight you again? That was better last time,”

Helen cut in right before Hale could even answer. “There will be no fighting, Olivia. Just sign,”

Olivia stared back down at the line, feeling very uncomfortable. All the adults were watching her, waiting for her to give up her birthright to them…she didn’t quite know what ‘birthright’ meant, her father had just told her it was what Mann Co. was for her.

“Sign,” Helen repeated, her voice firmer than before. “Your first name, middle name, and last name,”

Olivia fumbled with the pen in her hand, starting to slowly write her name. Her hand was shaky, and the letters looked as though they were trembling.

She hardly registered writing her last name down; it was as if she blinked and then ‘Olivia Violet Mann’ was scribbled on the blank line. Hale tugged the contract away from her once she signed, and he signed his own name under hers.

“Yes!” he exclaimed once the deed had been done, and he shook hands with Bidwell. “Finally! Business as usual!”

Helen stood up, lighting a cigarette. “Good, yes…now that we have this out of the way, we can focus on more important matters…” she turned to look at Olivia, watching her expression.

Olivia just sat there blankly. She knew her father had died, everyone had told her that, but it hadn’t sunk in until this moment. He was never coming back, she was never going to be in her old house again, and she was never going to achieve all the things her father had said she would. He’d always told her she was destined for great things, that was why he schooled and taught her all on his own, so she could one day take his place. All those dreams, and him – he may not have hugged her often, and he may not have even told her he loved her, but he had been all she knew for so long. Her world had been torn away from her fingers, and without her father, she didn’t know how she would ever get it back again. Perhaps she never would.

Helen’s voice cut through Olivia’s thoughts. “Olivia?”

When Olivia felt Helen trying to touch her hair, she lost it. Olivia burst into tears, smacking Helen’s hand away and running away, wanting to get out of the room as quickly as possible.

She ran right past Miss Pauling, nearly smacking into her, and she completely ignored Pauling’s attempts to make sure she was all right.

Olivia wanted to run away from this place. She wanted to leave – she didn’t know how, but she would do it. Maybe she would find Belicia and live with her, or maybe she could find one of the men her father had worked with…

She collapsed outside in the dirt path leading up to the house, where she sobbed again, her hands and face covered in dirt and dust. She could not care less about that, though, and she wailed and sobbed, burying her face in her small hands.

It was then, though, that the van pulled up. Olivia looked up, trying to brush away the tears that were stinging her eyes as the van parked outside. She watched as the passenger side door opened, and Heavy stepped out, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

Heavy looked up towards the house, where he noticed Olivia sitting in the dirt, tears rolling down her cheeks. He became filled with concern, and he walked up the path, coming to meet her. “Little Olivia?”

Olivia wiped her eyes, smearing the tears and dirt across her face, and she stood up as Heavy got closer. He knelt beside her; his brow furrowed in concern. “You are crying…why cry?”

Olivia couldn’t answer, and she could only whimper instead, another tear rolling down her cheek. Heavy sighed, pulling her up into his arms and holding her close. “Is okay…shh, is okay,”

He was so gentle for such a big man, and Olivia could only bury her face into his shoulder, her hands gripping his shirt like a lifeline. As he held her, she started to feel better, and she wondered if maybe she didn’t have to run away after all.

“Hey!” Engineer called out from where he stood by the van, noticing what was going on. “Everything okay over there?”

Heavy stepped back towards the van, nodding, Olivia still in his arms. “Yes. Little Olivia is sad,”

Engineer knew why, as Saxton had mentioned to him what was going to happen. Still he tried to comfort Olivia, clearing his throat. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay, sweet pea…you got us here, okay? Now how about we go inside, and I can fix you some nice French toast? That sound good?”

“Yeah, chin up!” Soldier encouraged as he stepped out of the car. “You’re strong, so strong!”

Olivia did not answer, but when she looked towards the van again, something caught her eye. Sniper was getting out of the van, yet it looked as though he was talking to someone. There was a bit of shuffling from inside the vehicle, before a woman Olivia had never seen before stepped out. She was very skinny, her glasses were cracked in two places, and she was wrapped up in Sniper’s vest like it was a shawl. Her eyes scanned the territory, before she noticed Olivia.

“Whose child is that?” the woman asked, looking at Sniper. “Yours?”

“No!” Sniper clarified. “No—this is Olivia. Olivia, this is my, uh…” he hesitated. “This is my mum,”

Olivia sniffled, wiping her eyes with her dirty hands. She felt disgusting, and she couldn’t even say hello back.

Engineer decided to break the silence. “All right, well! Mundy, I’m sure your mom must be hungry, and Olivia? You could use a bath, probably…”

Heavy carried Olivia back up towards the house, and as Olivia looked up at the sky, she could see the clouds gathering, likely preparing for some storms later on.

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miraclesmara · 7 years ago

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Team Fortress 2 Kyuranger AU

aka. Space Fortress Kyuranger

The Nine Mercs as the Nine Saviors!!! I haven't been in the TF2 fandom for a long time (Last time I was in the fandom, the latest comic issue was when the team came to Atlantis New Zealand and it ended with them being attacked by TFC) so I don't how well this fits. More under the cut:

The Main Team

Soldier as Leo Red

Demoman as Lupus Blue

Engineer as Libra Gold

Heavy as Taurus Black

Pyro as Ophiuchus Silver

I have two different setups for the other four members. Which one is better?:

Setup A:

Spy as Scorpius Orange - He'd have a similar role to Stinger. Skills with needles are very useful to have for an assassin and master of disguise.

Scout as Chamaeleon Green - Similar personality to Hammy and Lucky. His speed plus invisibility makes for an annoying combination against opponents

Sniper as Aquila Pink - Raptor is the only Kyuranger so far to have used a sniper scope (aka the Telescopium Kyutama), also the Aquila Voyager as an arm is a bow.

Medic as Dorado Yellow

Setup B:

Medic as Scorpius Orange - Because needles and poison (which may have some medical applications).

Spy as Chamaeleon Green - Can turn invisible

Scout as Aquila Pink - Because speed and flight

Sniper as Dorado Yellow

Extra Rangers

The Administrator as Draco Commander - Old purple boss (Which is where all the similarities end I guess). Even though she rarely shows up in person, she always gives out missions and orders the team around via the ship's speakers, screens, seiza blasters, Miss Pauling, etc. Most of the team have never even met her in person before her debut as Draco Commander (or Draco Violet).

Miss Pauling as Ursa Skyblue - Even though she isn't Aquila Pink, she'd still have a role similar to Raptor's (pilot of the ship, tasked to find the Kyurangers, pretty much the same as what she already does in TF2) but with more presence.

Saxton Hale as Phoenix Soldier - He might need a different title from "Soldier" since there's already a Soldier. He's the only one on the team who's from Earth. Like Tsurugi, he is a legend but nobody recognizes him because Gray erased all records of the Legendary Saxton Hale.

Other stuff:

If Setup A is used for the team, the order in which the main Kyurangers join is the same as in the show: Medic/Yellow, Heavy/Black, and Scout/Green (Miss Pauling found them in that order) - Soldier/Red - Demo/Blue - Engie/Gold and Pyro/Silver - Sniper/Pink - Spy/Orange

The team met Engie and Pyro when the ship broke down and they needed to get some supplies and find someone who can help repair the ship. (This also applies if Setup B is used)

The team had encountered Spy somewhere in the Scorpius System some time before they come to the Aquila System where they meet Sniper. Spy doesn't join until the team comes to Earth and then Spy later reveals to the team that he is on their side.

Gray Mann is the Don Armage of this AU and the TFC members are various high ranking members that the Kyurangers face

Maybe the mercs still have their TF2 equipment in addition to their Kyuranger equipment

The mercs plus Miss Pauling wear the Kyuranger jackets in their respective colors (Miss Pauling wore a purple Kyuranger jacket before switching to a skyblue one when she became a Kyuranger)

Like in Kyuranger, Earth has some secrets with one of those secrets being Australium related.

Gray's planning of making robots of the team happened some time after all the Nine had been gathered but before Draco Commander's first appearance (which is why there aren't any robots of the extra Rangers but if there are any, then they appear much later)

Their equivalent to the Ex-aid Kyutama (if you want) would be kyutamas of other Valve games. Just like Ex-aid, they don't serve any purpose to the plot other than brief cameo scenes. I barely know anything about the other Valve games so I don't know if this scenario sounds accurate:

You can decide how they ended up there: At least two of the Kyurangers are trapped somewhere - They hear a voice that sounds a lot like the Administrator telling them to solve the puzzle - They have no idea how to solve it - Miss Pauling sends in an unusual looking Kyutama - "Portal Kyutama" "Seiza Attack" - Chell appears

Merasmus has a Kyutama that the team needs ("Gaze not upon the Kyutama!!"). They find him at some haunted forest (or some other haunted place). The mission to get the Kyutama from him would've went off without a hitch if Soldier hadn't been brought along (Merasmus probably had a "You've gotta be kidding me" sort of reaction upon seeing that one of the Kyurangers is his annoying former roommate).

I feel like Pyroland and Balloonicorn should be incorporated into the Dark Pyro arc. But how?:

a.) The one who turned Pyro into Dark Pyro did so by taking advantage of Pyrovision

b.) In Pyro's mind when Engie and whoever else is with him manages to wake Pyro up while fighting Dark Pyro, Pyro gets the upper hand in the battle and the world around them turns into Pyroland.

Yes or no?: The Administrator's true intentions for gathering the Kyurangers in order to defeat Gray was to take the universe for herself (whether Miss Pauling knows this or not is up to you). How would the team react to learning the truth?

Not related to the au: Can somebody please do a Gmod or SFM remake of any image of the Nine Kyurangers but with the TF2 mercs? Or even better, a TF2 version of the Kyuranger opening (though, that might be too difficult and too much work for anyone to want to do)?

What do you think? Any suggestions or changes? I'll leave the rest to whoever wants to write or draw for this au. Depending on how much inspiration I get, I might add more to this au after Kyuranger is over and I'm fully updated on the TF2 comic and other stuff I missed.

#team fortress 2 #tf2 #tf2 au #uchuu sentai kyuranger #kyuranger #super sentai #crossover #au #super sentai au #kyuranger au #tf2 kyuranger au #space fortress kyuranger #my post #my sentai stuff #i should catch up with the tf2 comic

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tf2community · 8 years ago

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@a-virtuous-pyromaniac submitted:

The Administrator, the Debt and the End: A Theory From Reddit

Hello! I saw this on r/TF2 and I don’t think it’s made its rounds on Tumblr. It’s well written and well-thought-out, so I thought I’d share.

THIS IS NOT MY ORIGINAL WORK. IT BELONGS TO REDDITOR AVTHEMARSUPIAL.

Original post can be found HERE.

*******

HUGE SPOILERS FOR ISSUE #6. SERIOUSLY, GET OUT IF YOU AIN’T READ THE COMIC YET.

Issue #6 of the post-MVM comics has come out, and boy, what a doozy.

Over the last five years since Blood Brothers and the Mann vs. Machine update, we’ve had lore trickle out at us in small pieces at a time. I’ve got some theories on what’s gonna happen next, but to get a handle on things, let’s recap.

I AIN’T KIDDING, MAN. SPOILERS AFTER THIS. THE COMIC’S LONG. IT’S WORTH IT. GO READ IT. YOU’LL BE GLAD YOU DID.

Our story starts on September 2nd, 1822, with the birth of the Mann Triplets to wealthy landowner Zepheniah Mann and Bette Mann (née Darling) during the Great Eagle Scourge of London.

One of the triplets, Grey, is a genius. The other two, well, are not. Grey is abducted by an eagle, and Redmond and Blutarch are raised to believe they are the only sons of Zepheniah Mann.

Over the next twenty-eight years, Zepheniah remains wealthy and successful, presumably by selling munitions across the British Empire.

In 1849, Grey resurfaces, and threatens to blackmail Zepheniah for all his Australium.

Around 1850, Zepheniah, Redmond, and Blutarch traveled to the United States, where they had purchased large areas of land in New Mexico hoping to expand the munitions business. Zeph contracts an incredible amount of sicknesses, and dies shortly after.

After his death, his Last Will and Testament is read.

Elizabeth, Zeph’s maidservant, was left the entirety of the Mann Estate, including what was left of his fortune.

Barnabus Hale, grandfather of Saxton Hale, was left complete control over Mann Co.

Redmond and Blutarch were left the lands of New Mexico to split evenly between themselves.

Finally, Elizabeth was left the entirety of Zeph’s “miracle gravel”, or as it was really known, Australium.

The Brothers Mann immediately begin fighting over the land, each hiring a team of 9 mercenaries to seize the land from the other, beginning a century long stalemate.

Barnabus Hale took over Mann Co. and even got into the coal mining business thanks to the Mann Brothers selling him a coal mine for 5 cents.

As for Elizabeth, that’s where things get tricky.

In 1890, Blutarch Mann hires Radigan Conagher to build him a machine to prolong his life indefinitely.

Radigan goes back to his workshop, where a mysterious woman is waiting for him. We’re never told who the woman is, but an obvious conclusion is that she has some connection to the present day Administrator Helen, and Zepheniah’s maidservant Elizabeth. The TF2 Wiki, going off of an old “printing” of Loose Canon names this woman as Emily, differentiating her from both Elizabeth and Helen. The Catch-Up comic, however, names this woman as Elizabeth, although with a different appearance than the previous Elizabeth. For purposes of simplicity, I’ll continue to call this woman Emily.

Emily gives a halfhearted attempt at convincing Radigan to not build the machine, and when that fails, attempts a counter-offer. Since 1880, Emily has been hunting down 100 pounds of Australium, which she offers to Radigan if he’ll build a second machine for Redmond Mann as well. Radigan accepts, naturally.

The 1st Life Extending Machine (LEM) is finished on July 17th, 1894 for Blutarch.

The 2nd LEM is finished on August 3rd, 1894 for Redmond.

But as we know from Loose Canon, Radigan built a 3rd LEM, which he finished April 14th of an unknown year.

Blutarch tells Dell that he’s had possession of Radigan’s notes for 60 years, so its assumed that some time around 1900, Radigan dies and is buried with his notes, only to be exhumed by Blutarch.

Time marches on, and the brothers hire a new team of mercenaries to fight, the Classic Mercs, presumably one of many teams hired. After a time, the modern day mercs are hired and organized under the team name of FORTRESS, to continue the same fight that has been going on since the 1850s.

Then everything changes when Grey Mann shows up, killing both Brothers, forcing Saxton Hale to give up his company, and forcing Helen to run away.

Grey, having discovered that the Mann Co. vault containing 200,000 pounds of Australium is empty, hires the Classic Mercs to hunt down the Fortress Mercs and lead him to Helen.

Miss Pauling goes on a mission to reassemble Team Fortress, burning Helen’s geneology records along the way, while Saxton Hale goes to see about getting his company back with the help of his old friend Maggie, and Charles Darling.

Darling, upon meeting Hale, requests Australium in exchange for getting Mann Co. back, and tells Hale that the Administrator has been “playing two old gravel magnates against each other, establishing thousands of shell companies, filling entire coal mines with bodies, and over the course of a hundred and fifty years, stockpiling the largest supply of Australium in the world.”

The Administrator later meets with Pauling, telling her that there are 89,000 tonnes of Australium in existence, and she has been collecting all of it in the six months since Grey took over Mann Co.

Engineer has been revealed to be in hiding with the Administrator, keeping her alive with the use of a LEM, one much more modern than even Grey’s.

The model on her arm is nearly depleted, and Engineer replaces it with a newer one, which he believes can run on a quarter of the Australium that the previous Mark 4 did.

Dell then confesses that they’re just kicking the problem down the road, and that when the Australium in the Mark 5 runs out, the Administrator will likely die for good.

She dismisses it, claiming

Your family has already given me more time than any of us deserves, Mister Conagher. I don't need much more. Just enough to settle an old debt.

The Classic Heavy then betrays Grey Mann, who confesses to Miss Pauling;

Whatever despicable things you think I would have done with that power…you’re right.

And I promise you, what she’s planning is worse. Stop her.

Grey’s deathbed confession makes little difference to Miss Pauling, and she continues on with the mission regardless.

After Heavy and the Cheavy fight, Grey Mann’s LEM is destroyed, and Cheavy becomes a weak, frail looking old man before he dies, presumably due to Australium withdrawal.

The Administrator, recovering from being dead, is informed by Engineer that only a small vial of Australium remains on Earth. The Administrator dismisses this, simply vowing to find more.

Engineer explains that due to the Mark 5, even the small vial of Australium can give the Administrator six months of life, but that her life, and her plans to settle her debt, are at an end.

Administrator makes peace with this, and uses the entirety of the remaining Australium to reverse her aging, giving her only an hour left to live, which is where Issue #6 ends.

Now that we’re done with the backstory, let’s get on with the theory.

The TF2 lore really begins with Loose Canon, and it’s incredibly weird that Blutarch just has possession of Radigan’s notes for the greater part of the 20th century before he decides to call up Dell and ask him to fix his LEM. We know that the Mann Brothers were born on September 2nd, 1822, that Blutarch recieved his LEM on July 17th, 1894, and then dug up Radigan and his notes sometime around 1900, in his late 70s.

Blutarch goes onto say that he’s “barely cheated death out of a half-century” which would put his first Death at around 1910, which makes sense, since Blutarch is nearly 150 years old by 1968.

But we know that Emily and Helen have been working to keep the War going, so why allow Blutarch to get the original notes at all?

We know that RED and BLU are subsidiaries of TF Industries, founded by Redmond and Blutarch.

At some point, the properties of the Mann Estate not given to Barnabus Hale or Redmond and Blutarch were turned into TF Industries. It seems incredibly likely that RED and BLU were initially founded off of Elizabeth's generosity and Emily continued that practice by keeping Redmond and Blutarch alive, with Helen continuing the work of her mother and grandmother to keep their perpetual stalemate going. This type of grand strategy isn’t uncommon historically, with the best example being the Carolingians, who slowly take control over Western Europe over four generations, and fictionally, the Lannisters and the Tyrells of A Song of Ice and Fire, who plot for their grandchildren to eventually become Kings in their own right.

The Administrator family has a vested interest in keeping the Mann Brothers alive, if only to be subservient to them. Blutarch obtaining the notes in secret has to be something that would tip the balance in his favor, and allow him to end the War.

I think the Administrator knew but didn’t care, and that’s where the story kicked off.

Like we’ve said, the Mann Brothers are idiots. Blutarch tells Dell outright that Radigan’s notes have been the bane of his existence for sixty years, and Dell seems to be the only one who can do anything with them.

Had Dell fixed Blutarch’s LEM without fixing Redmond’s, it’s likely that Redmond would have died before Blutarch, ending the war. The solution then was simple. Much like her mother did, Helen would hire Radigan’s grandson to fix Blutarch’s LEM, but to also fix Redmond’s.

What about the Australium, though?

From Loose Canon, we know that Dell looked over Radigan’s papers and found a list of Australium caches.

Dell seems really interested in the Australium, and even though he could try and get to the caches without alerting anyone, given the reach and the influence that Helen has, I doubt he could get far without her killing him. Instead, it makes much more sense to hire Dell to work for her in secret, allowing him access to the Australium in exchange for keeping her alive by upgrading the third LEM, built by Radigan for the Administrator family before his death.

In Blood Brothers, we see that Dell must have succeeded in his task, and upgraded the Brothers’ LEMs.

These Mark 2 LEMs are sleeker, portable machines, unlike the large bulky Mark 1 that Radigan built.

Now, in Blood in the Water, we learn that the Mark 5 only uses up about a quarter of the Australium that the Mark 4 did.

In The Naked and the Dead, Dell says that the small vial of Australium left on earth is enough to get Helen anywhere between five to six months of life.

Helen however, decides to use the Australium to reverse her aging, presumably to her 20s or 30s, cutting her down to only an hour of life.

So if we extrapolate on this, we can guess that each later iteration of the Life Extending Machines used less Australium than the model before it. If we take the Mark 4-5 transition as a benchmark, the Mark 5 would only need 1 pound of Australium to do what the Mark 1 needs 256 pound to do.

That is, in my professional opinion, a metric shitton of Australium being lost for no real benefit.

Helen says there’s only 89,000 tonnes of Australium in existence, and that she owns all of it by 1972.

Grey and the Australians have some in their bodies, but besides them, there’s no more Australium left on the planet, presumably because most of it was all used up to keep two idiots alive.

So if Australium is so necessary to stockpile, as well as incredibly limited, why the hell would you waste it keeping two idiots alive to babysit, when you could kill both of them and spend your time elsewhere?

The Brothers really don’t contribute anything to the intellectual fields of society, and the gravel fields they’ve been fighting over are useless. The only thing of value the Brothers did inherit, the coal mine, was sold to Barnabus Hale for five cents. The graveline that powers the world’s steam engines is coming from the Hales, not the Manns.

Speaking of Barnabus, he and Elizabeth aren’t shown to have any real interactions, but given how the only thing Mann Co. does is sell guns and mine coal, if Elizabeth and her descendants are the true antagonist, there’s no real benefit to killing Barnabus and the Hales.

The only things the Mann Brothers have managed to achieve are founding RED and BLU, and as I’ve assumed, Elizabeth helped them start their companies anyway. The Mann Brothers really don’t need to be kept alive, but there’s no real point to getting rid of them either.

What’s the Administrator’s Deal?

Helen clearly has the same reason most humans would in wanting to live forever, but there’s also a second component. She tells Dell that extending her life isn’t just for her, referring to the “old debt” she’s been settling.

When Dell tells her that her life is at an end, Helen says

I’ve tried to keep this going as long as I could. I…

I even thought I was done once.

I still crave it…as much as I did when I was a little girl.

I don’t think I’ll ever stop wanting it. It’s become…everything.

But you’re right. It’s over. And if I’m going to call an end to all of it…well…

Well.

Why not look my best?

This is incredibly cryptic. The obvious guess is that she’s referring to immortality, but I think it means something more than that.

Zepheniah Mann, a man of a prominent English family, was married to the daughter of William Darling, esquire, another man of a prominent English family.

We don’t really know anything about Bette Darling, but given that a man who fights with cougars for fun like Barnabuscries over her death, she must have been quite the charming lady.

On the other hand, Zepheniah seems like kind of a dick to his wife, ignoring his wife’s death in favor of hearing about his children. It doesn’t sound like a very warm marriage, and Bette would probably get tired of Zeph fairly often.

In England, a lady-in-waiting, or maidservant, was typically a noblewoman or a relative who would be part of a royal consort or noblewoman’s court.

Bette Darling, being from a prominent family and married to Zepheniah Mann, would most likely have her own lady-in-waiting to provide her with some much needed companionship. Given how Zepheniah seems to not care about Bette, who better to serve as a companion than her sister, Elizabeth?

Elizabeth as Bette’s sister makes a lot of sense. We know that Zepheniah ends up partitioning his assets off to her, and it sounds like Elizabeth ends up getting the biggest inheritance out of the recipients. Redmond and Blutarch are idiots, sure, but at the very least Zeph could have left his inheritance to Barnabus if he was that worried about things. After all, Barnabus did manage to run Mann Co. fairly successfully after buying the Brothers’ coal mine. Giving the bulk of his Legacy to a random maidservant makes a lot more sense if that maidservant is actually his dead wife’s sister.

So after Bette’s death, Elizabeth stays on in Zeph’s service, probably as a favor to her sister and her nephews. Then Zeph dies, and Elizabeth is left with a fairly substantial fortune, as well as a cache of Australium that her brother-in-law entrusted to her to keep away from his son.

Elizabeth could have walked away from the Mann Family Drama at any point, but out of loyalty to her sister, she ends up overseeing the conflict between Redmond and Blutarch in order to keep her idiot nephews alive.

And then Elizabeth dies.

So wait, what’s all this shit about genealogy?

Helen’s statement that she’s been stockpiling Australium for 150 years as of the late 1960s suggests that Helen has been alive since around the 1820s, coincidentally close to when the Mann Triplets were born, but the timeline here doesn’t really make sense.

Elizabeth looks to be in her 40s to 60s around 1850, and we know that smoking and age contribute heavily to infertility. Emily looks to be roughly the same age range in 1890, and Helen (who cheated) looks to be roughly the same age in 1970.

Here’s where I’m going to take a guess and say that Elizabeth is 100% dead, and that the old woman we see in the Naked and the Dead is actually her granddaughter Helen.

But in true fashion, I’m gonna go on a tangent to do it.

When Cheavy gets Grey’s LEM ripped out of him at the end of The Naked and the Dead, he looks old. Like, unreasonably old.

According to the Catch-Up comic, the TFC mercs were hired in 1930, and they look to be around their 20s to 40s by this time.

So if we guess on that, and say that Cheavy was born in 1890, he looks great for being 82 in 1972, which is to be expected for a man of his physique. Arnold Schwarzenegger was born in 1947, and he also looks great for being 69 years old.

So why does Cheavy go from looking like the picture of health to Ebenezer Scrooge not five minutes later? Australium withdrawal.

Australium is pretty special. Regular exposure to the stuff can extend your life and increase your vitality, and enough of it can reverse your aging entirely.

We know from Blood in the Water that Australium withdrawal is an actual thing, and that Australians who aren’t exposed to it become pretty normal. The reason the Australian soldiers don’t look like they belong in the grave is because they actually are in the peak of their lives, and aren’t keeping anything at bay by being exposed to Australium.

Cheavy, on the other hand, is basically coming back from the dead to fight Heavy. The Australium is the only thing keeping him alive after Heavy did quite a number on him.

Helen is the second person we’ve seen using Australium to sustain her youth and vitality, and the Australium is definitely taking a toll on her. When it isn’t being used to keep her looking young, she looks every bit the old crone she should be.

So coming out of that tangent with all this information, there’s just no way Elizabeth and Helen can be the same person, and that Elizabeth is 100% dead.

Elizabeth looks to be in her 50s by 1850, and would be at least 94 by the time the third LEM is built. Factoring in all of the smoking, Elizabeth’s body would probably about as healthy as a 150 year old’s by 1895. Even if Radigan could build the LEM in time to deliver to Elizabeth, Australium isn’t meant to prolong life. Helen, a woman who looks to be either 100 years old, or on the wrong side of 80, is able to punch a solid glass window and then shrug it off.

Speaking of the timeframe, Dell keeps making improvements to the LEMs, making 4 different models in total between 1968 and 1972, each more efficient than the last. When we get to the Mark 4, Dell replaces it with a more efficient model, ostensibly because the supply of Australium is slowly running out.

But I don’t think that’s the only reason. After all, there isn't that much improvement between the two, so why bother?

I think that the more you try and prolong your life, the harder it gets to rejuvenate your body, and the more Australium you need to do so. Australium exposure clearly screws with your biology in a massive way, and a 94 year old Elizabeth would be lucky to even survive the surgery necessary to install a LEM, let alone use it for 150 years.

So if Elizabeth is definitely dead before Radigan even builds the LEMs, we need to figure out the time-frame for the three generations of Administrators.

Guesstimating, we can assume that Elizabeth was born around the same time as Zepheniah Mann, probably around 1800. Even if Elizabeth became pregnant with Emily as late as 1850, that would make Emily around 40 years old in 1890, and anywhere from 45-50 when the third LEM is commissioned.

If Elizabeth is definitely dead sometime before or around 1880, that would give Emily the decade she needs to “acquire” her Australium without having to dip into her inheritance.

The third LEM then, is built for Emily.

So if Elizabeth is born around 1800, and Emily is born around 1850, the next logical leap is that Helen is then born around 1900. That’d make sense, as Helen would be in her 60s-70s as of 1972, but she definitely doesn’t look that way.

The answer lies in Australium withdrawal. If we assume that Emily and Helen are different people, and that Elizabeth lived until her 80s, Emily most likely voluntarily died around 1940 after a half-century of watching over the Mann Brothers and not wanting to deal with their shit anymore after a century of life. We’ll give her an extra decade for good luck, giving Helen possession of the LEM and her inheritance around 1950.

Even if Helen didn’t start using the LEM until 1968, that’s still 4 years for her to be constantly exposed to Australium, and if she uses it to reverse her aging just a small amount, she’d probably end up feeling the effects of 6-8 years of exposure.

Going back to the timeline, Elizabeth is dead by 1880, and Emily steps in to fill her mothers shoes, when Blutarch decides he wants to live forever.

Emily then contracts Radigan Conagher to build three Life Extender Machines for her and the Brothers. Radigan dies, and Blutarch takes possession of Radigan’s notes, but can’t do anything with them.

Emily lives through the Second World War, and then decides to pass the torch to her daughter, Helen.

Helen takes over TF Industries, and hires Dell Conagher in 1965. To keep the stalemate going, she hires 8 other Mercs plus Dell and assigns them to fight in the Brothers endless war, probably against other merc teams.

Then Grey Mann resurfaces after nearly 125 years, claiming Mann Co. and killing his brothers for being idiots.

At this point, Helen’s failed her grandmother and grandaunt. Bette Darling’s sons are dead, ironically killed by their own brother. The only duty Helen has left is to continue her grandmother’s job of protecting Zepheniah’s Australium from Grey, and she does a damn good job of it.

Enter the Darlings.

In Unhappy Returns, Saxton’s clearly at a low point, willing to deal with his old rival in order to get his company back, and Charles only wants one thing in return, Australium.

But how does Charles FUCKING Darling know about Australium?

Charles and Helen apparently have history, since Darling clearly knows more about what the Administrator actuallydoes than seemingly anyone else connected to the Mann Brothers and the Gravel Wars.

We know from Bidwell’s Big Plan that Charles Darling and Helen not only have history, but that the two don’t like each other.

If Bette Darling was really friendly, and the Administrators are at the very least, capable of expressing emotions, Charles Darling is at the opposite end of the spectrum.

Charles Darling, by all accounts, is fairly sadistic. We see in Unhappy Returns that Darling plans to gather every animal on Earth and put them in a zoo. Oh yeah, and he makes nearly extinct animals stand on boxes in a wall all day. For fun.

The man is also arrogant, too. The next time we see him after his introduction, he’s standing in his rather large manor, reading a book he published with his face prominently displayed on the back, standing underneath an incredibly large portrait of himself, which he helpfully labelled with a golden plaque bearing his name. Did I mention this is his own house?

Charles explains that he wants Australium to keep his animals alive forever, and Saxton seems rather fine with this. After all, he’s got 200,000 pounds of the stuff back at Mann Co., what’s a few thousand pounds here or there? Darling tells Saxton that all of the Australium is gone, and that the Administrator was the one who took it, questioning what the purpose of doing so is.

Except, there’s no reason Charles should know what the Administrator’s been up to, let alone the existence of Australium at all.

Darling isn’t Australian, he isn’t part of the Mann Family, and he’s wealthy enough in his own right that he presumably doesn't need Australium, so what’s the point of gathering it?

Grey Mann tells us that whatever Miss Pauling thinks he was going to do once he had beaten the Administrator, she’s right. He then goes on to say that what the Administrator’s planning on doing is worse. That still leaves Darling, though. If Helen can hire Miss Pauling and Dell Conagher to work for her and have them apparently be fine with what Helen’s doing, can it really be that bad?

Back to the point, in Pyromania we get a hint of who Helen is, and what she’s capable of.

Not only is Helen clearly capable of blatantly stealing the entire United States Australium supply, she goes before the United States Senate and basically ignores them, until we get to the really juicy bit, after which she simply excuses herself.

Speaking of the juicy bit, we don’t learn much from it. Piecing all of the lore together, we learn the opening sentence, and that’s about it.

Very well. For one hundred-fifty years I have been stockpiling Australium to… Helen reveals that she’s trying to prevent something, in order to do something, and her plan involves eighteen perfect idiots.

We know that she’s carrying out her plan in order to fulfill her old debt, and that at the very least her plan involves the nine mercs, but that’s the best guess we can make. Given how in the comics, there are only nine Fortress mercenaries, we still need nine more perfect idiots.

In this scenario, there’s still no indication of what the plan is, but Charles Darling seems like he’s being set up as the main antagonist to our favorite chain-smoking protagonist, by virtue of being the only contender left.

Redmond, Blutarch, and Grey are all dead, meaning that Helen has no obligation to keep the Brothers alive, or defend the Australium from Grey, and the only thing Saxton seems to care about is being able to fight things, leaving only Charles Darling. Oh, and Olivia.

Olivia, in her first appearance, looks remarkably similar to Helen as a child. Olivia is presented to us as Grey’s daughter, but I don’t think that’s true, given how Grey is nearly a hundred and fifty years old by then. What makes a lot more sense is that Olivia is Charles’ daughter.

Grey and Charles could easily set up an alliance of convenience, at least until their mutual enemy Helen is out of the way. Charles could allow Grey to use his daughter to win control of Mann Co., and Grey could allow Charles to take control of some Australium.

Of course, this would break down when the two would have to split the world between themselves, but given that Grey is dead, the point is moot. Grey’s death also leaves Olivia and Charles in a really great position. Olivia, as the supposed daughter of Grey Mann, would inherit Mann Co. with Grey’s death. If Charles really is Olivia’s father, the main Darling branch is well on their way to inheriting all of the Mann Legacy.

Helen, as the granddaughter of Elizabeth Darling, who is the sister of Bette Darling, is a relative of Bette.

By 1971, Helen controls both the original third of Zepheniah’s Legacy that was partitioned to Elizabeth, as well the third shared between Redmond and Blutarch under TF Industries, since Grey seemingly has no interest in the worthless gravel pits, leaving only the Hale’s third independent under Saxton.

If Elizabeth really is Bette’s sister, and Helen is Elizabeth’s granddaughter, this means that two-thirds of the Mann Family Legacy is under the control of the Administrator’s branch of the Darling Family.

If Helen is a Darling, she’s the only one standing in the way of Charles inheriting the entire Mann Estate, and apparently control of the entire planet’s governments under RED and BLU, respectively. To keep the Mann Family Legacy (and the world) out of the hands of the Darlings, I believe that Helen is going off to confront Charles Darling, and presumably kill him and Olivia.

With Charles and Olivia dead, the Mann Legacy would be entirely reunited under Helen, at least until she gives Saxton his company back. Mann Co. can continue on as just a regular company, and Helen’s death will finally bring an end to the Gravel Wars.

TL;DR / RECAP;

Zepheniah Mann married Bette Darling, died, and gave his Estate and Australium to his wife’s sister, Elizabeth Darling.

Elizabeth, her daughter Emily, and her granddaughter Helen have spent the last century repaying Bette and Zepheniah by financially supporting Redmond and Blutarch, keeping them alive, and keeping Zepheniah’s Australium out of the hands of Grey Mann.

Grey killed Redmond and Blutarch, and allied with Charles Darling and his daughter Olivia to take control of Mann Co.

Originally, Helen planned to simply outlive Charles, outwit Grey, and keep the Brothers alive indefinitely, but Blutarch hiring Dell to fix his life-extending machine caused her to include Dell in her plans. The arrival of Grey and murder of Redmond and Blutarch, disrupted these plans, and forced Helen to have to devote all of her resources to keeping the Australium out of Grey’s hands.

With Grey and the Darlings working together to bring her down, Helen is overwhelmed, and has to flee to a remote location, bringing Engineer along to keep her alive until she can defeat Grey and the Darlings.

Grey ends up ironically being killed by his own employees, so control of Mann Co. passes to his “daughter” Olivia, giving the Darlings control over one-third of the Mann Legacy.

Helen, having failed to keep the Mann Brothers alive, succeeds through a pyrrhic victory in keeping Zepheniah’s Australium out of Grey’s hands.

On her deathbed due to the worldwide exhaustion of Australium, only Helen stands in the way of Charles Darling inheriting the entire three parts of the Mann Legacy, as well as control over the entire world with the resources of TF Industries.

In order to finally bring the conflict started in 1850 to a close, Helen has to use her considerable resources to kill Charles and Olivia before she herself dies at the end of Issue #7.

*************

#holy cow #this is very impressive #i'm speechless #I could very well see this happening #like this is a lot of well-thought out effort on Av's part #ty for sharing it with me #she better not touch my baby olivia #edited only to clean up links #it is still linked in the post #urls just bug me on something like this #otherwise untouched #because who would mess with this pure australium gold of a post #long post #keeping it out of the tags because of length #tf2 comic #submission

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