#where are my alexithymics at?

[shawshankshadow]

i’m fully convinced shadow has zero awareness of his own body language and can’t identify, describe, or even recognize when he’s having complex emotions. he knows when he’s pissed off or bothered, and everything else exists in this nebulous alexithymic dimension where he doesn’t know wtf is going on. “why did you smile at big?” gets answered with “what are you talking about. i didn’t smile. did i smile. i mean - i made a gesture ig” and his response to “did you enjoy the hot honey concert?” is “it was really noisy and i didn’t like the crowd, but amy seemed to be enjoying herself, so. yeah.” my guy has zero clue what he’s feeling at any given moment

[olderthannetfic]

Daily accs have ruined the fandom experience.

Fandom is just generally so boring and I'm speaking as someone who's queer, ND, disabled, and POC. "Headcanons" now lack flavors. Headcanons now are limited to just making the characters non-white, cis, straight, neurotypical, and abled. Where's the plot? The elaboration? And I don't just mean "I hc him as autistic and he has alexithymia."

As someone who's autistic and alexithymic there are lots of experiences that come from being alexithymic that no one person who's alexithymic experiences the same way even when there are common traits. In fact, most of the time I don't use the medical terms and just describe the character having these traits AND THEN describe how it's relevant to the plot bunny and maybe even use canon sources to elaborate why I think this character can be or is [identity]-coded. I don't just make posts generating various labels everyday or every HOUR: "this character is [x]." and call it a day.

Not to mention lots of people are saying these HCs are the only acceptable kind of HCs because the others are problematic or harmful. They always put it in the bio, "no harmful or problematic HC," "proshipper DNI", "no [link to a card with a list of headcanons lots of people are doing].

There are open antis who are constantly making "reminders" or "hot takes", and there are covert antis who act as if they are making "content" but they are literally just spamming posts like the one I told above and attacking people in the comment section or up-ing other people's call-out posts by engaging or reposting. Antis have been creating an environment where even wanting to Headcanon is scary. It also conditioned people to like only these types of HCs and I would've been elated for some rep a few years ago but the lack of nuance is just irritating and disappointing. Ironically, I can not relate with any of these headcanons because homophobia (which was a popular tag on AO3 because it's relatable to a lot of queer folks like me) is problematic (literally had someone tell me about an AO3 tag statistics, "homophobia shouldn't be a popular tag). The lack of media literacy has people saying making an x trope is endorsing.

I keep finding anon fics or private fics on AO3, going into fandoms where people are more comfortable sharing fics thru discord servers, DMs, linked write/as posts, because my ships keep getting harassed or scrutinized by antis (even when they are not minors, don't have age gaps, incest, or are rivals), and I keep seeing more and more people say they are discouraged to engage in fandom activity at all.

Somehow this is familiar as a queer person who was in the closet and had to hide all my poetry because ofc my own people (I assume they are mostly queer like me too cuz a lot of them identify as one and put it in their bio) makes me feel unsafe LOL/sarcasm

--

[beanghostprincess]

agreed that it is impossible to remove emotions, judge could however damage the neural pathways responsible for interpretation of them, making the vinsmoke siblings alexithymic (the cruelty is however a product of the environment they were raised in and not related to the inability to name and interpret their own feelings) (alexithymia, in my personal experience, is "hm, i'm experiencing some sort of a feeling, it is vaguely good/bad but that's pretty much all i can tell about it, oh, i guess there's these physical sensations generally associated with some emotions, but that's probably unrelated/but that's associated with a few different emotions and i got no idea which one it is this time")

Wait, I?? Adore this?? I mean, it's what makes more sense regarding the siblings, actually. It's not that Judge removed their emotions, they just have a really hard time understanding themselves and their feelings, and tbh I think that frustrates them. They use the power they have over Sanji to deal with it because they might not be able to read themselves, but they were raised in a family where power dynamics are the most important thing and they only feel ""good"" when they're not the weak ones and that's something they can understand.

[sp1resong]

hmsonas or something like that (notes under the cut)

deimos's outfit wasn't originally supposed to look like that but i drew a couple lines of the right sleeve and went 'holy shit im fucking cooking' and i couldnt let that go to waste. i kind of envision them as being the part of my brain that argues against me when im trying to reason my way out of an ocd spiral, as well as being the slow, tense, creeping dread part of anxiety--the 'something is wrong, something is going to go wrong, i cannot relax even if nothing is going wrong right now because i need to be ready for when something goes wrong'. this is partially where i got the name, as well; at least according to wikipedia, the greek deity deimos represented the feelings of dread and terror that befell those before a battle. the saber teeth are just because i liked em

eris's design uses colors tweaked from a couple of my current and previous sona designs! their eyes also reference my current and previous sona designs; their right eye uses colors tweaked from my current sona's design, while the spiral in their left eye is an aspect of my previous design. eris is the greek goddess of strife and discord, and the opposite of harmonia (who is, by some accounts, the sister of phobos and deimos)

phobos is the most animalistic of the three; their color pattern is the most common in wild foxes to represent this. their blindfold, while being a holdover from canon heart, also on some level represents the fact that i am alexithymic and therefore. 'feel blindly'. they cannot see or be seen, but their teeth are sharp and bared all the same. does that make sense. anyways due to my alexithymia the emotion i find the most distinct is anger, along with fear (although i kindof place fear in a different category altogether for. brainweird reasons). though they are also positive emotion, the other two rarely notice them except when they are panic, terror, and rage; and so that is what they are most known to be.

theyre foxes partly because im alterhuman and partly because i do not know how to draw humans. thumbs up

[coldresolve]

My grand thesis on sadism

I'm not an expert on anything whatsoever, and studies on sadism are sparse to say the least, so I'm basing this on squinting at concepts I've seen elsewhere and a layman's gut feeling. Here's my thesis:

Introduction

Sadism is when someone feels emotional pleasure as a result of someone else suffering. That's about it, afaik. And yes, this does mean that that one time you said something mean to someone else in the heat of the moment to hurt their feelings, you were behaving sadistically. Sorry lol, sadism isnt a mythical creature, everyone is capable of it

Obviously, some people are more inclined to experience sadistic pleasure than others, which is where we draw that largely arbitrary distinction between sadist and non-sadist. My thesis is that this distinction is a tad more complicated than a binary spectrum: there are (at least) two different types of sadism, both of which play a role in what type of sadist a person is. Those two types are a) emotional sadism, and b) cognitive sadism. I made these terms up just now for the record

Emotional sadism

This is a type of sadism experienced by people who have alexithymic tendencies. Alexithymia affects about 20% of people. It's that thing where you're not very good at distinguishing or expressing different emotional states; distinguishing emotions from non-emotional bodily sensations such as hunger or fatigue, and; distinguishing between your own emotions from those you feel through empathy. (Loads of alexithymic people think they don't experience empathy; they do, they just don't attribute their feelings to other people.) Alexithymics will often have difficulty describing their emotions beyond negative, positive, or neutral. But some alexithymics, in certain regards to certain emotions, will have difficulty even doing that.

By attributing sadism to alexithymic tendencies, what I mean is this: You see someone suffering, and you feel a rush of adrenaline. But because you kinda suck at distinguishing this rush as the negative emotions felt by the other, transferred to you through identification and/or empathy - your brain interprets the rush as a positive experienced by you, which is influenced by, but still independent from the suffering experienced by the other. I hope I'm explaining this okay lol but this is the most plausible explanation I could come up with as to why sadistic ppls brains will interpret other people's suffering as a source of pleasure, because there is a significant correlation between alexithymia and the dark tetrad.

Cognitive sadism

Cognitive sadism can be summerized very sussinctly by this quote from C. Fred Alford:

Sadism is the joy of avoiding victimhood, though that puts it too passively. Sadism is the joy of having taken control of the experience of victimhood by inflicting it on another.

Cognitive sadism is an expression of control over the role of victimhood by imposing it on another person. I view this as the sub/conscious justification that drives sadistic actions, seperate to the emotional state experienced by the sadist after the act has taken place. These are, in my opinion, two seperate processes.

K, but so what?

Viewing these two things as seperate processes might help us distinguish between different types of sadists, by simply adding or subtracting. Here are some terms for what I mean that I also literally just came up with lol:

The Opportunistic Sadist: Experiences emotional sadism, but has no inclinations toward cognitive sadism. This means that they will experience sadistic gratification at witnessing the suffering of another, but they have no desire to be the one inflicting said suffering themself. (A good portion of yall are like this from what I've seen)

The Remorseful Sadist: Seeks control by imposing victimhood on others, but can distinguish their empathetic response as other-oriented and distinctly negative, leading to intense feelings of guilt/shame/remorse/whatever after the fact. (Industry secret: a large portion of people who broadcast themselves as hardline sadists secretly fall into this category. They'll never admit it lol)

The Pure Sadist: Experiences both the alexithymic empathy response and control-seeking inclinations. What most people think of when they conceptualize sadists; people like this are pretty rare in my experience? But I also have no data on it so like.

Anyway here's a graph I made:

The graph means I'm basically an academic about it lol idk

Conclusion

Fuck if I know, I'm just thinking thoughts about it for now tbh

[aidsyouinthinking]

Poem: our ever dissorded thoughts

My brain stews,

With don'ts 'an dos;

Chewing on those half truths.

Feeling gone; all goes but blues,

A Jackinthebox for my personal news:

Wind and wind the music play,

To creep, and irk, an otherwise plesant day.

Wind and wind behind at bay;

I weep- they lurk, mocking wise words

That They won't say...

But I feel them, and know them,

But me Knowing they condemn.

I have to claw at my throat,

Tear tendon till on blood I float,

And rench with my caloused hand

Out past their placed gasteic band.

Or if they wish to throw me a bone,

They'll just past it me whilst I'm alone,

Perhaps they find me ever squabbling

to that silver thread oh so amusing

maybe they are really really trying

so hard to help but forever failing

but now?

But now I know, either way...

well, another step anyway;

For if they are a They at all,

Or other questions that befall:

Introspective and monumental,

Is when to knees I fall to forever bawl,

And crawl into ball and drawl and brawl;

For for me you see

I do not emote the same as you

Or perhaps you do~

Please talk to me

Achem...

But to me it's distant like it's taking the mick

It's called being alexithymic~

And burst goes the bubble and the weasle too

As now to light something new, and too; me anew

Yes with every

Revelation

A new me

Self-Revolution

A carousel goes up and down

But it also turns around

From face to face some a frown

We shift and switch it's a bitc-

...

Fuck.

We again and a shudder to boot!..

If emotions are too strong,

we sing song and strum lute

Muscles follow root to where they belong

It's never perfect, often a mess,

but we do get to what we must address

Where were we?

We weren't!

We we we, don't you see!?

Well rather you don't!

Do not personify the fog,

Or the faluty machinations;

Breath no life into our backlog:

Chastising bastardisations:

Canvas colours swapped with lapdog;

It's just sensations arbitrary relations!

We're segmented dissonant wires, not shards!

But look at you, you idiot,

you're saying our and we

Oh, so so clearly

Some part of you can agree

Own the dread

Cuz you said

We...

And we.

We are sick and tired

Of always being fired

To gallows every day

With nought even a say

...

Where we're we?

I'm so lost

So lost

This vast empty breathless void seeps everywhere

I wish we were okay...

Just do it... be okay...

But we'll never know what to say

And no one else is coming to help today

Or tomorrow

Or the day after

I'm always fixing things, it's only me, oh so loney.

But at least... I have me? Frankly, not very...

Good company...

We didn't even get to the bit about how I can't talk feelings in drama cuz It's a place I used to mask, and changing my behaviour now feels like it did then

A burdend.

Oh Guess I did it :p

Back to "I" again... aye? Hmmm alr... fair...

[amethystgoldenwind]

Donnie's 'Eating Disorder' (Rottmnt Headcanon)

(it's not really an eating disorder, just read below)

All four of the turtles were designed with the perfect soldier in mind. Naturally strong, with high potency in various stats like speed, defense, and power. Meant to walk after taking hits that would kill a lesser creature. Meant to dish out punishment unlike anything even the most skill warriors can do.

And part of that, comes with being thin/not having excessive fat build-up. They were designed with metabolisms meant to break down anything. Food is nothing to them. Obviously, they still need to worry about proper nutritional intake, but they can eat as much junk food as they want and not gain a pound.

So, because of that, the turtles could be classified as having chronic hypermetabolism. However, this is not a problem for Raph, Leo, or Mikey, since they have voracious appetites to compensate.

Donnie, however, being autistic, is cursed with poor interoception (or the sensory awareness of what is happening in the body, like hunger, thirst, tiredness, and even emotions-- and he is all-but-confirmed as alexithymic). He is unable to recognize the signs of hunger in his body. While he's good at eating routinely, he struggles with eating ENOUGH (he would think a bowl of crackers and juice was a good lunch), and if he doesn't satisfy his metabolism, it's quick to turn to his fat stores and muscles for more.

There was a terrifying time, when he was just starting puberty, where he wasn't growing and he was dangerously underweight. It terrified everyone, even Donnie. For a while, he was forced to calorie-count and keep a food diary so they could all track his eating habits and make sure he was getting enough. This also helped him learn his body's limits and how to properly take care of himself.

Nowadays, he's typically fine and can manage himself well. He only skips out if he's really anxious, which can make him feel nauseous and discourage eating even further, or if he's deep in hyperfixation and just forgets. He tries to push himself to remember, even having alarms telling him to eat set on his phone (and S.H.E.L.L.D.O.N. probably occasionally helps with this, when he's created). His brothers definitely stay alert to make sure he STAYS at a healthy weight range. If Donnie isn't eating, it's a cause for panic, mainly due to how sick he got when he was younger.

They classify it as a hypermetabolic disorder, or sometimes just call it hypermetabolism. Leo insists on calling it a 'weird eating disorder' despite everyone's protests. He believes that calling it an eating disorder emphasizes its seriousness (since it's just as terrifying as one). Whether or not he's brought up that reason to anyone else is not confirmed.

—————————

This has no grounds in canon at all. This is just something I made up, but is based on my actual experience. This purple turtle already has so many little things of mine, what's one more? Whatever I had was never as serious as Donnie, and I don't remember the full story, but I know there was a period of time where I wasn't gaining weight. I saw a doctor and was on appetite medication for a while, though I've long since moved on from both now. My theory, based on my spotty information, is that it was a missed sign of autism, with the poor interoception and whatnot.

I don't currently plan on tackling the actual narrative in a fic (mainly because I haven't had a strong vision for it), but it's just something I'll reference from time to time. However, as a sneak peak, one of my Bad Things Happen Bingo prompts will deal with this directly ("Denied Food as Punishment"). No promises on when that'll be out, though. I got 25 prompts and have started none.

(headcanons masterlist)

[geekazoidfreak]

🌀 welcome to my page 🪼

i am the irritating shithead you may or may not see all over your dash!

i'm 9ine, or nine/nines. nines stole his name from me hes a rat. anyway—i'm 20, i'm mostly unlabeled but i have been on testosterone for a year and some, lived trans experience has mellowed me out from the constantly on edge person i used to be. i am alexithymic and tend to come off rude or unempathetic sometimes, please do not take it personally <3 i try to use tumblr speak to mitigate it, but sometimes i slip.

my interests vary wildly, but i have a special interest in technology (hardware). i am terrible at the software aspect of it (you will see me bitch about my dbh modding failures), but i surely can lend you advice if you need build advice on anything!

i have a hyperfixation on dbh right now and it kind of consumes all my thoughts so there's really only going to be that. here's my strawpage! (NSFW mentions!)

other things to note:

i have five cats. they are all stupid

i am a simmer so sometimes i might drop stuff about my sim world <3

i am suspected of having perfectionism ocd and considering the amount of times i have A. edited this post B. taken down artwork that was already massively circulating just to fix minor details/to see if i can flip it and not cry, or go back to fics i've written to update a scene because i didnt like the way it looked in my head C. spend hours (yes. hours) fixing my layout i would say it's probably likely 💀💀💀 if u see me fixing shit pretend it was always that way please!!!!

i ramble a lot. mute 'nine rambles' if you don't want to see spam! i do not expect interactions at all, you are absolutely not obligated to interact with my content!!

if a part time fic writer was a thing, i'm the guy who comes in for a shift every three months. the only reason i'm still there is because i'm that bitch

i am completely, undeniably queer—i label myself transsexual as it's the only thing close to a label i identify with and am trying to be more involved with queer culture so i can see where tf my people are at!!!!!!!! i have no idea who would be upset by this but if you are... what r u even doing here ?

i am a BIG big big fan of theorizing. i have too many thoughts.

i play dead by daylight. i have 2k hours. this isn't to brag i just need one of you to euthanize me. Please put me out of my misery. i have memorized every single killer and survivor perk and have several thousand items/addons and offerings across my two mains. Euthanize me please im beging you

i love everyone i follow i love all my mutuals i love everyone who follows me. i am very selective with followbacks. but know i love u anyway even if i am not following / u r not following me

ok thats all. as long as i get to draw and yell into the void, i'm okay! here's my art <33 some old some recent

[tuhkasirius]

This post contains slightly emotional sex and dysphoria and transness related commentary so scroll away if you don’t want to see that. For the rest of yall reading my personal internet diary, time to get to the point.

As a person who’s been trans and proud for nearly a decade, it’s absolutely wild to experience rushes of emotion re: trans content and trans rep.

I used to read a ton of transmasc-hc fic when I was in my discovery era and it was great and healing and a good self-acceptance tool but then I went through a phase where reading anything even slightly smutty that wasn’t cis-mlm made me wanna crawl out of my skin (this is why I don’t as a rule read wlw or straight romance and skimmed through anything sex related in a restless truth). Then I went through my slut era (which has ended due to people not wanting to fuck me not due to my own wishes, unfortunately) and realized that suddenly I have a fuck ton of bottom dysphoria because cis gays are penis obsessed weirdoes (Important context here is that my gender is ehhh and I mainly struggle with social expectation induced dysphoria in general). Naturally this did not make my aversion to sex scenes with vulvas involved any less bothersome.

HOWEVER, I’ve been reading the FUCK out of dreamling fics recently and there are a lot of good trans hc fics there and the sex… doesn’t make me wanna invert my skin??? It actually is hot and good and amazing and sexy??? And I feel SO EMOTIONAL about this??? I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck full of emotions my alexithymic self can’t sort through. I thought I was over these vulnerable raw transgender gender feelings. I thought all I had left in my cold dead soul was nihilism and queer anger??? Ew

[entity56]

i may be alexithymic but I have this weird system where every 20 minutes to a few hours my mind repeats a phrase indicating how I feel. on its own. sometimes it doesnt make sense 'Please don't' 'You/they don't understand' and 'Just stop' being prime examples. But more often I get stuff like 'I hate everything', 'Feeling pretty good', 'Do you ever hate someone so much.' 'Do you ever love someone so much.' 'I'm pretty great!' and 'Everything is AWESOME.'

And i imagine it works similar to my anti-suicide failsafe that immediately kicks in against my will if I'm having suicidal thoughts-- it repeats positive mantras in my head and forces me into pampering myself

[faultyvessel]

You know there are already a thousand reasons why AI sucks but we can always add more. And I’m enjoying a little break time and feel like bitching, so here is yet another

Over the past fourish years I have had the great fortune of being able to buy some wonderful stuff from independent artists and also commission art (I can confirm that both are the best curse once you start you will never stop). Tons of good things to come from it obviously but I’ve got to say one of my favourite parts is this: opening up a package and discovering that the artist decided to leave me a little message on their business card (like so):

I put them all up on my wall.

Every time I walk past them I smile. I think, wow! This person who’s spending so much of their time creating in an environment that is actively hostile to them and their aspirations is taking the time to thank me? I’m the lucky one who gets this art in my house! People are so damn kind and incredible. And I tell you all the AI generated prompt bull in the world doesn’t come close in value to my little board of messages.

It will never come close to the lovely conversations I’ve had with people while commissioning art from them. Their eagerness to help me when I’m unsure what I want. Their excitement to show me the work in progress they’ve been tirelessly perfecting over the past few weeks. It will never be the massive amount of artists I’ve seen come out in droves to create art for fundraisers to the point where there have been more people there to draw commissions than actual folks requesting the art! It can try its damn well hardest but it will never ever be able to speak. It will never be the wonderful medium of continuous communication. The web of interaction that is integral to every step of making art is simply lost. All forms of art are a dialogue and I find all AI can do is mumble in tones that might sound distantly like speech. It can never actually talk continuously (both as in literal conversations between artists and the quiet dialogue that comes from having mutually interacted with a piece in various ways).

It will never stand joyfully with me at the reception of good news (and fine fandom festivity). It will never solemnly capture a potent experience my alexithymic self could otherwise never fathom. It will never nod quietly to me and help me to push on through my day. And even if it gets down on its knees and kisses my boots, it will damn well will never be my little wall of messages from artists all over the world.

[adivergentlens]

Living with alexithymia often feels like navigating a world devoid of clear emotional signposts. The struggle to identify and express my feelings can leave me feeling disconnected and adrift. Yet, in the embrace of nature, I find a profound solace that helps me bridge the gap between my internal experiences and the world around me.

Nature offers a tranquil mirror for my inner world. The stillness of a forest or the gentle lapping of water against a riverbank provides a peaceful backdrop where my emotions can quietly emerge. In these serene environments, I am free from the pressures of verbalizing my feelings. Instead, I can simply exist, letting the natural world help me unravel the tangled threads of my emotions. The quiet presence of nature allows me to connect with my feelings in a non-verbal, intuitive way, fostering a deeper understanding of myself.

The diverse landscapes of nature serve as metaphors for my emotional states. A stormy sky reflects inner turmoil, while a sunlit meadow embodies a sense of calm and clarity. By immersing myself in these natural environments, I find a visual and sensory language that speaks to my alexithymic mind. These landscapes give form to my feelings, offering a way to understand and relate to my emotions without the need for words. Nature becomes a canvas upon which my emotions are painted, visible and comprehensible.

In the heart of nature, I find a sanctuary where I can safely explore my emotions. There are no judgments, no demands to articulate my feelings precisely. The rustling leaves and the songs of birds provide a comforting background that supports my emotional journey. Here, I can confront my emotions at my own pace, finding solace in the understanding that nature accepts me as I am. This safe space is invaluable, allowing me to slowly build a connection with my emotions without the fear of misunderstanding or rejection.

In conclusion, nature offers a powerful remedy for the challenges of alexithymia. It provides a reflective calm, a metaphorical language, and a safe space for emotional exploration. Through my time in nature, I find a deeper connection with my emotions, learning to understand and appreciate the complex landscape of my inner world. Nature's gentle embrace helps me navigate the labyrinth of alexithymia, offering a path to self-awareness and emotional healing.

[pheonyxian]

Personal post

So, I've been quietly identifying as asexual for the past five or so years. Quietly, because the only people I've told are my online friends. And even then, I rarely bring it up in conversation or lean into it through icons and symbolism and stuff, even though many of my friends are very proudly pan/bi/ace/trans/non-binary. Part of it was because I just... didn't like being ace. It's kind of an isolating identity, but also because no matter where I looked, I felt like my experience was completely different than every ace community (tumblr, reddit, aven, etc.) Asexual felt right on paper, but talking about it beyond just the broad strokes made it obvious just how different I and most other aces actually understood sexual identity.

Same as aromantic. I didn't ever fully identify as aro but I was aware that it was a possibility, but same problems as above.

Separately, and a few years later, I also came to the conclusion that I have alexithymia. This was because when I get really upset, it feels like there's this physical disconnect between the part of my brain that feels the feels and the part that makes the words. Like, a literal 404 Page Not Found.

Recently though, I had a breakthrough that 1) my alexithymia is probably a lot worse than I originally realized, and 2) that my asexual-ness was related, if not completely stemming, from the alexithymia. I should point out that alexithymia (at least the version I have) is not having no emotions, but not being able to identify, speak, or connect with them. I usually won't realize that I feel sad, or angry, or even happy until I stop to think a bit. And even then, I usually recognize emotions through mental patterns rather than physical ones. It's always "wow I'm arguing with an imaginary person in my head, I must be angry" not "wow my heart's racing and I'm feeling hot, I must be angry."

A part of all that is that I also don't feel compelled to act on my emotions. Maybe this was caused by a coping mechanism for typical life bullshit (feel sad/angry/anxious? Too bad go to school and act normal or else you'll draw unwanted attention.) But that goes for positive emotions too. How am I supposed to recognize desire if the physical sensations that drive it only register as a weird, annoying feeling?

Once I realized this, things clicked into place much more than they did when I first identified as asexual. Identifying as ace made me feel worse, and I only continued to do it because I knew that there was something fundamentally different between what I was feeling and "normal." Restructuring my feelings as alexithymic feels so much better.

Also I feel like this gives me a little more permission to be horny on main. Not that I couldn't while being ace, but... I don't know, it just felt weird to say I was ace and then have my third most popular post in recent history being hornyposting about Warframe.

I'm not entirely sure whether I want to keep identifying as ace. Personally, I think it's valid to have your sexual/gender identity stem from neurodivergence, but whether that's what I want for me is... I dunno. Something to think about in the future. I'll admit though, I don't want to give up our cool flag.

Anyway, thanks to my friends, who are always there for me even though I rarely talk about my feelings out in the open. And anyone who's following me for funny posts who happened to read to the end as well.

[saintatomique]

Dev diary - Symbolism of characters' names

(This post is related to the development of my sci-fi/supernatural visual novel 'Heroes Of Oblivion' which is out now on itch.io. It may contain some spoilers. You've been warned.)

There is a distinct difference between fake names of Tibor and the characters' real names which are often less than elaborate and show their inner, messy selves. About this relationship between their neat, controlled 'shells' and their actual personalities I will be writing below.

Oblivion - Obviously, this name both hints at 'depth' and 'emptiness' as in 'memory loss', 'forgetfulness'. As a character, Oblivion is both deep and empty, perhaps like a well that hides water down below. He is a vessel, he doesn't yet know of what. Since he doesn't yet know, it makes him both vulnerable and extremely dangerous because any kind of ideology can fill his mind. I once invented a saying which I am very proud of, it goes like this (and I sincerely believe in it) 'A man you don't know what to expect from is dangerous but not as dangerous as a man who doesn't know what he expects from himself.' The lack of self-awareness can be deeply unsettling and Oblivion who is an epitome of forgetful, empty state which is typical for youth, is very dangerous.

Alex - a greek word for 'Defender'. It's interesting that it's a Greek word, by the way, unintentionally I linked him to Eurydice, Orpheus, and so on. Interestingly also, Alexithymia is being unable to understand and identify one's emotions. Some say that only unemotional people are alexithymic but I disagree, you can follow one heart to the extrent your emotions blur into some instinctual state that can be almost alexithymic.

'Defender' is an opposite of 'Oblivion', someone who never forgets. And he lived up to that name.

Blackthorn - An English-sounding, cool-sounding mishmash that only vaguely hints at a plant and more likely hints at something abrasive, sharp and thorny, Blackthorn is even more comical than his real name Wilton. 'Black' hints at something pompous aka 'black tie event'. The lack of clear symbolism here hints at the irony with which the story treats Wilton's ambition.

Wilton is an English-sounding name among various Germanic and Slavic names in Tristia and it's for a reason. Wilton's family is rich and ambitious and since the world where my characters are from, there are still USA and UK with their industrial progress and riches, his parents wanted to name their son something that would sound 'cool' aka Anglosaxon. It's also (as far as I know) a last name made a first name, which is already fairly artificial. Artificial means Tibor-ready and that's why Wilton enjoyed Utopian Tibor out of all the men shown. His delusion is grandeur is already so plastic he is ready for more lies - that's what his name hints at, which is already unnatural.

Slither - What in God's name is this name? Well, that's the kind of reaction it is supposed to evoke: shock. Slither likes to shock people and his name is appropriately musician stage name-like. I am pretty sure 'slippery' applies to both his hair gel and his behavior. But the reason why this name is a bit too funny lies in who invented it.

I think Ambrosius invented all of the new names impromptu and almost instantly, together with Oblivion's assistance, of course. He begged him not to name them something too embarrassing which, I am sure, saddened Ambrosius. Some boys lucked out more than others. Slither grew to like his name, I guess but I am pretty sure it was just Ambrosius' prank on him since from Ambrosius' perspective, Slither/Felix is an effeminate clown and not in a pure boy way like Alex, in an annoying way. Maybe it's beacause something about Slither's/Felix's flamboyance that threatens the traditional masculinity, I am sure.

(As all who played the game know: Slither had his revenge...)

Felix - Latin for 'Lucky'. Surpise, Felix is already quite 'slippery' of a name. First, Felix was lucky in avoiding responsibility. Then, he even avoided death and had his dream come true. Then, his luck ran out. But for a good reason.

Thank you, Felix, for not being as lucky as you were meant to be.

Credence - 'Faith', 'Belief'. A famous protestant name. We can all agree that there is no bigger protestant (at least in spirit alone) than Credence: a spiteful workaholic, a prude and a minsathrope with a passionate faith in illusory things. You just can't get more protestant than that. Unlike Credence Barebone who had this name imposed on him and protested against it, Credence is at home with this name. He lives on faith and passion alone, everything else is secondary. Novak said 'You could make a career as a priest'. Obviously, he could be a priest. A very angry, very bad kind of priest. He even has a gothic garb with a cross painted on him. It just can't get any more obvious. It's a servant of technofaith.

Heinz - 'Home ruler'. I must admit I chose this name to be as boring and Germanic as possible because Germanic people tend to be prudes and technophiles but the real meaning hints at that love he may lack.

Ambrosius - 'Immortal'. Ah, of course. 'Mort' and 'Immortal'. Life and death. However, wait. Ambrosius isn't 'Life' (even if Heinz calls him that when he first meets the boys and Alex also calls him that later), merely something that won't die. Novak also said 'I'd say 'Long live Tibor but it will never...truly...die'... Death is natural so maybe some things should die. The very dream of immortality is just a fear parading as utopia.

Anthony - Some sources say that Latin Antonius means 'Priceless one', some say that the other origin is Hebew which means 'He has given'. In any case, I wasn't choosing this name for its meaning but the link between Tibor and Latin name Anthony. Anthony is also a very mediocre name, very non-suspicious one and it worked well in this case, being without too much symbolism attached which would probably mislead readers.

Mort - 'Death'. It's not a name, but the truth. He is quite literally the personification of what the characters forgot, Memento Mori.

Novak - 'A new one'. This name actually doesn't exist as a first name apart from a few famous cases. It is a last name, a famously peasant, no-frills, rough Slavic farmer name which was given to people who only just gained theirs. It is funny, now that I think of it, that this most plain of names, which Novak also had to hide for many years, was still more dear to him than any fancy names, even the fancier, edgier name 'Mort'. Some newly christened Jews also gained that last name. It's a name that shows submitting oneself completely to fate which Novak did. Novak definitely 'renewed' himself many times, by playing all his fake roles but then playing his last role - for humanity's sake. He was patched and sew anew again, to match his name. This particular reading of his name (with v, not w as it is Poland) is Czech.

Thank you for reading!

[syliboywarrior37]

I am still retaining fluid because I am drinking fluids. The compassionate care from Mawita'mk Society is the genuine care I need for growing myself in readership and physical fitness. Overburdened before I came here so badly that I was malnourished, addicted and uneducated. In my childhood I was supposed to be smarter than my age because nobody wanted responsibility. How could I stayed culturally relevant to my own age-appropriate lifestyle? I couldn't. I had to grow up fast and become intellectually relevant to the mental health literature of my biological mother and step family. Now? I am kind of glad and appreciative that I got the needed mental health care for my childhood addictions. They've left out the sexual abuses I've suffered.

Learning at a young age the concepts and philosophy that I should respect. I know that the moral imperatives where important and in that I was a child criminal in my Step Uncle's eyes. But they've taught me self discipline, self control and power of choices. They created self-efficacy[through strength-based living with resourceful beliefs and useful suggestions] without hyperagency or hypoagency but the balanced, or moderate agency I needed for my life. I've recovered from my childhood addictions and knowing the nightmare of schizophrenia.

Now I have schizophrenia. Diagnosed back in 2009/2010. Well suspected in 2009 and they've build a case against me without me knowing. In 2010 I had to sober up and come clean. Forgiven and living in decadence. I had to re-explored and re-examined my past with a more detailed look at forgiveness, acceptance, thinking right about all this, healing and agency. I wanted to run my own brain and get a good grip on my own personal powers. Now in 2024, fourteen years later in life I got my education, college trade and Unama'ki Driving Certificate with an expired Beginner's license.

Learning that the "right thinking" needed something from my past. Unfinished business that should've been well taken care of. I know that I could restrict my fluids because I was well taught by the Morrison family of Eskasoni. I had a good day today. I got my small double, double and made my bed. I believe there is a "full right thinking" and the Morrison family of Eskasoni knows it. But I think this Christmas my stepfather would want real forgiveness for the allowance of his younger siblings to abuse me. I know that I have been reading how trauma works in Alexithymic Profundity of Deep Disassociation. Or Alexithymia altogether. I had the right words before and I know that I was wanting to be left alone. Mike MacInnis forces[through hegemonic influences and relational persuasions] "his" therapy. Which is good to a degree but I don't think he wants to deal with my issues with my stepfamily.

[lexr86]

Character intro: Sam Jones

Please say hi to Sam, a sweetheart who's not entirely sure how she managed to fall into dating Eddie Munson but who's definitely not complaining about it. Sam is the autistic main OC of my A Freak and a Weirdo series starting with Cupid's Bow.

Basic Info

Full Name: Samantha Jones.

Romantic/sexual relationship: Eddie Munson, who is her first boyfriend.

Nicknames (courtesy of Eddie): Beautiful girl (or just Beautiful), sweet girl, M’lady.

Age: 17 at the start of Cupid's Bow.

Month & Year of Birth: June 1967.

Gender/Pronouns: Female (she/her).

Sexuality: Straight

Ethnicity: White European

Occupation: High school Junior

Physical appearance and presence

I don't have a strong sense of Sam's physical appearance. It's always seemed less important to me than what's in her head because that's where she spends so much of her time, struggling to figure out society around her. I know she's petite because one of the first images of her I had in my mind's eye was Eddie leaning down to kiss her lips and her unconsciously rising up on her tippy-toes to chase his mouth as he pulled away afterwards. But apart from that…?

Height: 5'4".

Body shape: Hourglass or curvy. She's not self-conscious or proud of her body because it's generally something that she doesn't have to consider so long as it's not in pain or terribly uncoordinated in the moment.

Hair: Brunette, long.

Eyes: Brown.

Fashion/style: She wears her long hair loose as tying it up triggers her sensory sensitivities. She wears comfortably cut clothes made from soft natural fibres (but no wool), e.g. jeans, shirts, sweaters, sneakers. No scratchy tags, makeup, jewellery, tattoos or piercings.

Personality:

Sam is an undiagnosed, unidentified autist. Even she's not aware of autism and ultimately as a teenage girl in the 1980s, a diagnosis simply isn't going to happen.

In addition to autism, I think she's likely to be alexithymic as she often struggles to identify what she's feeling and to read other people's emotions from their facial expressions. This doesn't mean that Sam doesn't feel emotions, just that she doesn't always know how to put a name on what she's feeling in the moment. Often, after she's had a chance to process her emotions, she can identify them better.

Sam is very empathic but doesn't always know how to show it.

She suffers from social anxiety. As much as she masks or camouflages in an attempt to fit in, she's still considered a weirdo.

The understanding that is intuitive to non-autistic characters often eludes Sam, for example, knowing when it's acceptable to break rules. She has to make a conscious effort to learn what most social cues mean, which can be difficult when no-one will explain them to her. She feels a great deal of embarrassment at not getting things right especially when they're things that come so easily to other people.

Struggles/challenges:

Eye contact.

Social interaction.

Reading emotions and understanding motivations.

Bullying, usually emotional, by her peers.

Due to her difficulty in understanding other people's motivations, she can be at risk of being taken advantage of.

Sensory sensitivities, for example, uncomfortable clothes. Music, songs in particular, can overwhelm her.

Emotional overwhelm or dysregulation that can lead to selective mutism, occasional shudowns and meltdowns.

(both a strength and a challenge) Infodumps on topics that interest her, not always realising that other people aren't as interested in this really cool thing.

Coping mechanisms:

Scripting conversations and planning in advance.

Asking for adjustments that will make her feel more comfortable, like knowing in advance where she and Eddie will be going on their first date so she can prepare.

Skepticism and wariness.

Attention to detail and the subtle social corrections from the people in her life even when she doesn't entirely understand them.

Asking a lot of questions and being persistent.

Straightening objects to bring a little order to an otherwise confusing world.

Attempting to project a lack of concern with what other people think of her.

Strengths:

Sam is excellent at logically figuring out processes once she has enough information. Is it her fault that most human behaviour defies logic?

She doesn't let her wariness of new situations stop her from doing what she wants to, like dating Eddie.

(both a strength and a challenge) Infodumps on topics that interest her. People get to learn cool new things!

Stims:

Feeling the textures of surfaces and swirling her fingertips against each other.

Whispering words under her breath or mouthing them to herself.

Relationships:

Background: Sam was born and has lived all her life in Hawkins with her parents. Sam's family is upper middle-class and well off financially.

Family: Her mother Marion is not the most engaged mother but she makes a strong effort at supporting her daughter even if she doesn't entirely understand her struggles. Her father Bill works as a high-level manager at one of the local banks. He is often dismissive of his daughter, and Sam believes it's because she doesn't meet his expectations. Her grandparents are alive and she has multiple aunts, uncles and cousins outside of Hawkins.

Closest friends: At the start of Cupid's Bow, Sam doesn't have any friends and she believes, reasonably enough based on the evidence, that she is at the bottom of the social hierarchy in high school. Though it's not mentioned in the story, she used to have friends in elementary school but they drifted away from her as they all aged and Sam's social differences became more apparent. That said, Gareth knows her socially through their parents and both he and Jeff are protective of her. By the end of the story, they and the unnamed freak (who is christened Jim in all my stories - sorry Doug!) are friends with her.

Tastes:

Likes: Clear communication that she doesn't have to decode. Firm touches that she has consented to and tight full-body hugs. When this girl discovers weighted blankets, she's going to buy and entire closet-full! School subjects, like Math and English, even if she doesn't enjoy the parts of school outside the classroom. A long list of words that just feel good to say. I've no idea how to explain this to anyone who doesn't experience it but some words just feel better in my mouth than others and this is an appreciation I made sure Sam has too. Observing logos and icons. Like words, the shapes of things can be really intriguing. Fantasy books, especially ones featuring dragons. Who doesn't like a good dragon?! Horror movies. Trying new foods. Walks in nature. Generally moving her body helps to regulate her, although she's not a fan of sports. Spiders. Eddie's hands.

Dislikes: Being the centre of attention. Physical touch that she hasn't prepared for, and soft touches as they inflames her nerves. Being called Samantha instead of Sam. Surprises. Big, loud parties.