#where I can reread it for the sake of it and not actively looking to find mistakes

[hyperfixation-tangentopia]

I think part of why I love doing edits so much is I forget about them. I forget about the process, I forget about the thoughts of what I might've done instead or whatever, I can just forget all that. The process is isolated to the process and the result the result, while still having the positive feelings of the progress fun, if that makes sense.

With drawing and writing, looking at it again isn't to enjoy it, it's to edit or catch mistakes or just because I liked it so how can I do it again. The process is entertwined with the result.

Also, I can't edit my edits after I post them. For the sake of laptop space, I delete them and just keep the Mp4 files. There's nothing to change, so I can't stress about it. It's nice. I think editing helps my writing and helps me feel better about it in the long run, but I was able to absorb my own work without worrying about making it better in the past and that's why I enjoyed it more.

And drawing is a middle ground, except my perfectionist comes through mostly in the process, so I worry less about sharing it honestly.

Anyway. Just some midnight ramblings.

[losfacedevil]

Reunion // JMK

a/n ~ I am SO sorry that this took so long, but life got to me. So here is the first part of the return of Carnival Kisses Josh! Thank you @joshsindigostreak for being so patient and understanding with the creation of this piece!

It had been months since you had been able to get together with Josh. The hustle and bustle of both of your schedules making it so time spent together was few and far between; which made every single second spent together -wether in person or virtually - last a lifetime. 

You often daydreamed of the last time you had spent a the day with him; finding yourselves at the Halloween themed carnival downtown. He had been determined to win all the prizes and try all of the foods which had kept you there for hours, but you hadn’t complained.

Butterflies erupted in your stomach at the thought of the first few kisses you had shared, sat shakily atop the Ferris wheel that night. One kiss, Josh couldn’t believe he had acted on impulse and planted on you - the other you happily stole, the warm feeling in your chest of him harboring the same feelings towards you pulling a certain air of confidence out of you. 

The sound of your phone dinging pulled you out of your thoughts, the sound signaling a new text had come through. Reaching forward you pulled yourself out of the hole you had worn into the couch and snatched your phone off of the table slowly tapping the screen to make it come alive. 

Josh 🥰

There’s a carnival downtown this weekend, what say we go for old times sake?

You couldn’t help the giggles that spilled past your lips as you read, and reread, the text notification that lit up your phone screen. The butterflies in your stomach were actively fighting the slight nausea you always felt when the thought of meeting up in person was placed on the table. 

‘Only if we can ride the Ferris wheel!’ 

The vision of his face your mind conjured up had you giggling. The way his eyes were probably rolling around his head as he reached up and pinched at the bridge of his nose causing your cheeks to flush and heart to hammer in your chest; the endearing nature of some of the things he did was enough to get your heart racing. 

Josh🥰

😑 Friday night, 5 o’clock, don’t be late. 

More giggles erupted from your chest as you sent back a quick reply and tucked your phone into the back pocket of your jeans. Daydreams of Josh and another possible kiss atop the Ferris wheel dancing in your mind. 

~*~*~

Friday crept up on you much quicker than you thought possible and the butterflies that sprang to life in your stomach made themselves known. Tilting your head back you placed your hands on your stomach and willed the nervous energy to calm down as you waited on the man who was almost always fashionably late. 

The sound of his cheerful whistles danced around you before he came into view, tipping you off to his arrival. In one swift movement you reached behind yourself and cupped the back of your head in your hand, pushing your head up into the position in which it belonged - your neck muscles having grown tired from how your head was being held. 

Josh raised his brows as he got closer to where you stood waiting for him and the happy whistles turned to more of a wolf whistle. He reached out and laced his fingers with yours, holding your arm above your head so you could spin where you stood. 

“Seems that you always look stunning and I’m always under dressed.” He chucked, motioning down to the casual khaki colored pants and white sweatshirt he had chosen to wear. You couldn’t help the roll of your eyes as you took a step forward and wrapped your arms around his midsection. Josh’s smile faltered and his nerves overwhelmed him as he slowly wrapped his arms around your shoulders to reciprocate the hug. 

“Stop it, you look great.” You mumbled, pressing up on your toes slightly to nestle your face in the crook of his neck. You felt his body relax and his grip tighten slightly as he angled his head and pressed a chaste kiss to the crown of your head. 

“Oh, so the simple look is what works for you, hmm?” He couldn’t help the soft giggles that bubbled up out of his chest, swaying your bodies gently as the cool spring breeze blew across your faces. You nodded your head, burying your face into the soft fabric of his sweatshirt and pulled a deep breath in through your nose. The warmth of his chest enveloped your breeze cooled skin and you couldn’t help but revel in the feeling of him pressed against you. 

Your eyes fluttered shut as he began to run a hand gently over the length of your arm and the friction of his palm against the thin fabric of your sweater began to generate heat. Reaching up Josh cupped his hand around the back of your head, pressing you firmly against his body. You didn’t want to let go, reveling in his scent that enveloped you. Josh leaned his head forward and pressed his cheek to the crown of your head, letting his eyes flutter shut as he enjoyed the quiet moment. 

“You know prolonged cuddles aren’t going to get you out of riding the Ferris wheel, right, my love?” You questioned in a playful tone, tipping your head back as best you could in the position that you were in. You felt his chest heave as he pulled in a deep breath and let it out in a sigh before lifting his head and pulled back from you slightly.

“But this was why you wanted to ride the Ferris wheel right? To get close to me? See we don’t have to go that far into the night sky for some cuddles.” A nervous chuckle escaped him as he reached up and ran a hand down the back of his neck, trying to calm his nerves slightly. Scrunching your nose at him you quickly slipped your hand into his and turned on a heel, tugging him behind you to the entrance. 

“Oh! Before I forget - I got us wristbands!” You couldn’t contain your excitement as you pulled the paper hand out of your pocket and wrapped it securely around Josh’s wrist. He shook his head slightly and watched as you made sure the band wouldn’t fall off of his wrist. A soft sigh escaped his lips as he looked down at the thin strip of paper that now adorned his wrist. 

“So this means…” he trailed off, turning his gaze to find the Ferris wheel off in the distance. You couldn’t help but tease him, knowing just how much be despised the Ferris wheel. You nodded your head quickly and pressed up onto your toes, wrapping your arms gently around his neck. Josh acted on instinct and reached forward, wrapping his arms around your waist and pulled your body flush against his. 

“Unlimited Ferris wheel rides.” You giggled, leaning forward slightly run your nose along the length of his cheek. You could feel his chest rise rapidly, and he held his breath to the count of ten before slowly releasing it. Josh shook his head slightly and leaned forward, hiding his face in the crook of your neck.

“Say it ain’t so!” He giggled, putting more pressure on your midsection and squeezed you tightly. You nodded gently and turned your head, pressing a soft kiss to the hair that covered his chin. Josh eased his grip and unraveled himself from you before slipping his hand into yours and slowly led the way into the carnival grounds. 

You both walked slowly as he took in all of the sights and sounds around him, the noises from the rides putting him on high alert as they almost triggered his fight or flight response. His grip on your hand tightened and he changed the direction in which you walked, steering your to the first game booth he saw in his peripheral vision. A soft smile spread across your face as you came to a stop in front of the ring toss game. 

“Can I go first?!” Your voice was filled with joy as you showed the carnie your wrist band and he handed you four rings. The aim of the game was to land as many as you could over the tops of the empty glass soda bottles and you knew how to win this game like the back of your hand. Josh couldn’t help the way he rolled his eyes and giggled softly, resting his hand on your lower back as he watched you take your aim. With a swift flick of your wrist you let the ring fly and a soft huff of disappointment slipped past your lips as it ricocheted off of the bottle and landed on the ground. 

“Want a turn?” You asked, holding a set of two rings out to him. He quirked his brow, unsure as to why you wanted to share the turn and not sink all four rings yourself but plucked the two out of your hand. He took aim and tried his luck, missing both rings and watched with a defeated expression on his face as they hit the ground as well. 

“Damn, maybe the next game. I’ll win you the biggest prize if it’s the last thing I do.” Josh chuckled, wrapping his arms lightly around your waist and buried his face in the crook of your neck. Pulling a deep breath in through your nose, you weighed the ring in your hand and with a flick of your wrist sent it flying into the playing field, successfully sinking it onto the neck of one of the bottles. An excited squeal slipped past your lips as the carnie turned as the waist and plucked the yellow Funshine bear off of the wall behind him.  

Taking the bear out of the carnies hand, you pulled it close to you chest and hugged it close before trying to wiggle out of Josh’s grasp to no avail. A soft smile spread across your face as you reached up and pressed the bears nose into the fluffiest part of his hair, earning a giggle and he loosened his grip on you. Taking advantage of the space around your waist you spun on your heel and held the care bear up to cover your face. Josh chuckled lightly at your win knowing that Funshine bear was your favorite care bear. 

“For you! He’s a little different than my Funshine since mine is old school and this one is new school but… now you have your own for your bed! You can stop threatening to steal mine.” You giggled, pressing the plush against his chest and watched as a blush bloomed across his cheeks. He opened his mouth as if to speak and closed it quickly, at a loss for words. Bringing his hand up he gently grasped the bear in his hand and turned his attention to it. 

“For me? He’s your favorite care bear, though.” Josh’s voice was soft as he worked through the emotions that sprung to life in his chest. You couldn’t take your eyes off of his face as a smile grew across his lips and he ran a finger through the soft fur that flocked the bear. Nodding your head you pushed up on your toes and pressed a soft kiss to his nose. 

“You like mine so much… he’s for you! He can live on your bed.” You giggled, wrapping your arms gently around his waist. Josh pulled a deep breath in through his nose, never taking his eyes off of the bear in his hand as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to the crown of your head. A wide grin spread across his face as he reached behind him and stuffed the bottom half of the plush into his back pocket, making sure it was safe and secure before wrapping his arms around your shoulders. 

“Thank you.” He mumbled, swallowing around the lump he was fighting in his throat. You nodded gently and rested your head against his chest, reveling in the feeling of his arms wrapped tightly around you. You nuzzled your nose against his chest before tilting your head back and rested your chin where your nose had been.

“How about we explore a little bit and figure out what we wanna ride, hmm?” You cooed, letting yourself get lost in the big chocolate brown orbs that stared down at you. Josh nodded and slowly unraveled him body from yours and fell into a comfortable stride beside you. Your eyes danced along the numerous booths you slowly passed and you stopped in your tracks as a booth that was selling doughboys and funnel cakes caught your eye. Josh felt your absence next to him and slowly turned on his heel, his eyes scanning the crowd looking for where you may have gotten off to. 

A soft smile spread across his face as he slowly made his way over to where you were standing. His eyes landed on the booth in front of you and the array of sweet treats that were stored in plastic topped containers. You lifted your hand up to your face and sunk your teeth into the tip of your thumb - a nervous habit you had picked up when you were little. Josh knew the move all too well from your various FaceTime calls over the last six months and he nodded his head before stepping up to the booth. 

Josh talked animatedly to the young girl running the booth, his hands flying this way and that as he told her some extravagant story - all the while ordering the biggest funnel cake they had under the warming light. Reaching over he handed the girl a folded up bill and nodded in her direction before turning on his heel and beckoned you over to him. You slowly made your way over to him and watched as he popped the plastic lid off the the carry container, reaching over to grab the shaker if perfected sugar off of the cart it was stored on. 

“Powdered sugar or cinnamon?” He asked softly, wiggling the shaker he held in his hand. 

“Powdered sugar, the cinnamon makes my mouth itch.” You scrunched up your nose as the thought of the surprise allergic reaction you had the last time you consumed cinnamon - the itch was not a pleasant sensation. Josh nodded and proceeded to cover the funnel cake in powdered sugar before popping the lid back on. 

“Well we wouldn’t want that, now would we?” He chuckled, extending him arm for you to loop yours through before slowly guiding you over to the nearest picnic bench. Placing the take out container down on the table, he rested his hand against your arm and helped you lower yourself down to the bench before taking his own seat. 

“Not this probably wouldn’t be the place for even a mild allergic reaction, wouldn’t wanna spend the night in the ER really.” You giggled, reaching forward to pop open the container that sat between you both. A soft sigh slipped past Josh’s lips causing the powdered sugar that sat atop the funnel cake to dance into the air and earned him a giggle from you. Josh’s eyes grew wide as the powdered sugar fluttered through the air and landed softly on the tip of your nose. 

“You’ve been sprinkled with sweet dust. Does that mean I get to eat you too?” The off handed comment had your eyes growing wide and your jaw dropped slightly as a shocked giggle slipped past your lips. 

“Eat me, huh? You haven’t even asked me to be your girlfriend and you’re asking if you can eat me? That’s a bit forward don’t you think, Joshua?” You giggled and reached out to break a piece of the funnel cake off and popped it into your mouth. Josh’s eyes grew wide as your innuendo sunk into his mind and he threw his head back in a cackling laugh. 

“Oh my god, not like that! But now that you mention it… if I was your boyfriend I’d spoil you so bad. My skills at carnival games might be poor but my skills elsewhere would make your toes curl.” A sinister chuckle slipped past his lips as he turned his attention to the sticky funnel cake on the table and he began to pick at the pastry. Your eyes grew wide and you watched as he slowly popped a piece of pastry into his mouth, swirling his tongue around his finger tips to rid them of the sticky powdered sugar residue. 

“Joshua, that was naughty.” You couldn’t help the giggle that slipped past your lips and you turned your attention back to the funnel cake in front of you, hoping to keep your thoughts at bay. 

It didn’t take long for the two of you to finish the sickeningly sweet pastry and clean up the mess you had made of the table. Pulling your crossbody bag around to your front you quickly unzipped it and pulled out a package of wet wipes, offering one to Josh to help aid in the clean up of his sticky fingers. 

“You’re prepared for everything, aren’t you?” He chuckled softly and tossed the used wipes into a short trash can you slowly walked by. 

It was then that your heart began to hammer in your chest at the prospect of asking him to maybe retire early and head back to your place. He reached out and wrapped his arm softly around your shoulders and tucked you safely under his arm. Turning his head slightly he rested his chin against the crown of your head, nuzzling against you. 

Taking a deep breath you wrapped your arms gently around his middle and tipped your chin to press a soft, chaste kiss against his jaw. His arm tightened slightly and he tipped his head, reciprocating your affection and pressed a soft kiss to the crown of your head. 

“Can I ask you something? You can say no… obviously.” You giggled nervously and waited for his body to tense in response to your question. His casual steps slowed to a crawl and he pulled back a bit, trying to capture your gaze with his. 

“I promise to win you the biggest prize on the next game, scouts honor!” He chuckled and reached up, pressing the side of his hand against his forehead in a salute. You rolled your eyes but couldn’t help the genuine laugh that slipped past your lips as he brought his hand down and rested it gently against your hip. 

“Would you be opposed to cutting this short and maybe… coming to mine to just watch a movie and relax? As much as I love doing carnivals with you it’s all just a bit.. much today.” You sighed as the lights beating down on you slowly began to seem brighter and brighter. Josh cocked his head to the side as he thought over what you had said, not wanting to seem like he was overstepping any boundaries. 

“I mean… I wouldn’t be opposed to it. If you’ll have me.” A soft smile spread across your face and you nodded your head gently, as you turned his body towards the exit and led him down the hill. 

TAGLIST: @vanfleeter @joshsindigostreak @wideminded-dreamer @stardustvanfleet @lipstickitty @gracev0609 @runwayblues

[thgfanfictionlibrary]

Active Authors Masterlist (10)

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 /

***Active (on this blog) is defined as a blog/writer who has updated within the past year. Inactive (on this blog) is defined as a blog/writer that has not been updated at all in the past year+. On THG Writing Hiatus (on this blog) is a blog/writer who has updated within the past year but has not posted a fanfic in the fandom in the past year BUT they may return to writing in the future. Lists will be updated as needed based on activity. ***

Created: February 10th, 2024

Last Checked:-----

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[ss-shitstorm]

Okay okay I’m currently rereading fortuna primaginia for like the seventh or eighth time rn and I am genuinely very curious (and you by no means have to answer this if you don’t want to) but how would the story have differed if Ratchet had shot his shot first and reader had ended up with him before Optimus? My mind is just rolling at the parallels of what could be similar but what would be so very different. Would Optimus have even attempted engaging the reader after that? I love them so much!!!

(Anon sorry I'm sure you just wanted a simple little aside but you're getting a full blown greentext headcanon sloppy style fanfic)

Slaps ask This bad boy can fit SO MUCH angst in it good fucking god. This has been literally eating at my brain every waking second since I received it. There’s just so, so many ways this could go down. And since there IS so many ways this could go down, please by no means treat this shit my brain coughed out as the only way. It’s just a way. But it got my in a vice grip and won’t let go.

Also if anyone’s got their own ideas about how this could’ve gone down please, please share

-Around the time you guys had your first little late night/early movie pow wow, Ratchet, in a wired/half asleep delirium, makes a pass. -It’s a throwaway pass, probably relevant to something in the movie. He doesn’t expect you to even respond. -He definitely doesn’t expect you to reciprocate. -He knows he should stop right exactly here and never bring it up again

-But he doesn’t. -He’s old. He’s tired. He’s (at least a little) drunk. He’s been fighting for so long and passed up so many chances at happiness. Fuck it. He’s gonna see where this goes. -He starts making excuses to see you more often, and you do the same with him.

-OP notices this and immediately backs off, full stop. -You figure he wasn’t actually that into you to begin with, and (albeit reluctantly) shrug it off, and are thus freed to peruse Ratchet with no remorse. -In reality, it’s a knee-jerk reaction out of respect to Ratchet, since he’d done the same for him when they were dating, and he’d first started talking to Elita. Ratchet already sacrificed his happiness for him once before. he’s not going to let him do it again. -But that doesn’t stop his feelings from doing…whatever it is they’re doing. -You still saved Bumblebee. You still adopted Bumblebee, so this mech can’t not see you. -Every time he takes you to the park, or the movies, or on a nature walk somewhere, and sees you playing with his sparkling he wants to shove his head into an industrial trash compressor -He’s happy for you. He’s happy for Ratchet. He’s forever indebted to you for saving Bumblebee and Primus-fragging-blessed why isn’t that enough? -That and he’s still actively mourning the loss of Elita, whom you share an almost identical EM signature with, so every time he’s within sensing range of you he’s blasted with grief and guilt. -But he still spends time with you. It hurts just to look at you, but if the alternative is not seeing you at all then he’ll gladly endure the pain.

-When the heat cycle hits, you’re actually with Optimus. He, you and Bumblebee were in one of the training rooms getting some (gentle, for Bee’s sake) exercise. -When that electrical, wet, cracked egg sensation first drips down your spine, Optimus stops what he’s doing, stares at you, and starts trembling. -You’re understandably worried and ask him what’s wrong. -He manages to articulate something about you emitting an abnormal EM frequency, and to please to go see Ratchet about it immediately. -You have more questions, but he excuses himself from the conversation to walk a safe distance away from you Bee, and proceeds to tear a fucking wall out -You go to the infirmary to see Ratchet, who explains heat cycles and why he thinks your mutant little human body is mimicking one while crushing the edge of a medical berth with his servos. -You, already pretty riled up from watching two (2) of your handsome robot buddies crush and smash things on your behalf, tell him to go ahead and break the Hynek’s scale with you -Ratchet,having zero reason to restrain himself otherwise, mass converts, bends you over a human-sized medical gurney, and fucks you until you black out.

-You don’t go into a coma. Ratchet’s exceptionally skilled in maneuvering his field, so freeing it from your grabby, inexperienced one isn’t a problem for him. -Nor do you wind up with a busted pelvis, bruises or bleeding after sex(at least, not by much. His dick’s still the size of two tallboy monster cans duct-taped together.) -But after the third or so time you guys bone, you do start coughing a lot. And passing out a lot. And puking a lot. -Ratchet’s starting to worry he missed something in his evaluation of your body’s adaption to energeon and cybertronian bio fluids. So he runs some scans. -Lolnope. Turns out you adapted too well. You’re fucking pregnant. -He stares at the results for a whole-ass hour before he can even summon the courage to explain this to you. -By “explain” he means “I had no idea this was possible and I still don’t know how it’s possible or what the fuck it’s going to do to your tiny little squishy body if you decide to keep it.” -You, knowing full well how devastatingly close their whole species is to extinction, thinking about Bumblebee growing up without ever seeing another sparkling, decide “fuck it. We doing spacemom 2 : electric boogaloo”

-Ratchet’s whole ass world changes right exactly then. -In a bad way. -He’s going to be supportive. He’s going to take care of you. He’s going to monitor you night and day and give you everything you could possibly ever need, because not only is this entirely his fault and he cares about you, but- -He doesn’t want to be around sparklings. -Bumblebee is different. Bumblebee doesn’t exist because of him -But because of what happened with Soundwave, and the cassettes, he does not want to have a sparkling. He’s not allowed to. Not after what he did. -He starts drinking more. And loosing himself in his work. And finding reasons to not be around you. -Or anyone. -He’s in his lab constantly. He says it’s because he’s learning as much as he possibly can about human bodies and human reproduction and running what tests he can to find out how to give you the nutrients the sparkling needs without poisoning you, how to compensate for the effects of your weaker field on it’s organ and internal systems development. -He’s not lying. But he’s also using it as an excuse to stay the hell away from you. -Your relationship starts deteriorating, along with your health. -Seeing you getting sicker and weaker because of something he did to you is dredging all his baggage with the Iaconian hospital experiments up from the dark corners of his mind and you are in no condition for him to confess about that now. -So he hides. You’re left out in the cold.

-Optimus see’s you emotionally freezing to death, and offers warmth. -The time you’d normally reserved for spending with Ratchet is now spent with him. -You don’t want to dump your problems on him. You don’t. -But Optimus feels the sting of Ratchet’s cold shoulder just as badly as you do. So he winds up being less an emotional dumping ground and more of a commiserating partner. -You’re both so worried about him. -Op’s so worried about you, being balls deep in your carrying cycle, puking blood almost daily and in a terrible place with your baby daddy. -He tells himself it doesn’t go deeper than that. And it never will -He knows it’s bullshit. -He knows his spark screaming out for him to comfort you and screaming out for him to take you are two vines in the same jungle, hopelessly braided together and impossible to separate fully. -He knows this and he still invites you out to stargaze after Bee’s been put to sleep, wrapping you up in so many sweaters and blankets and bringing you to the top of the base for the clearest view of the desert sky. -He’ll lie down on his back and you’ll sit next to his helm and nerd out until you inevitably fall asleep mid-sentence somewhere. -He’s heard you name every single star in every single visible constellation a hundred times, and he’ll gladly hear it a hundred more. -He offhandedly compares you to Ursa while you’re pointing it out, and you break down in tears. -You’re not a bear. You’ve never been a bear. Bears are strong enough to keep their shit together. You’re not keeping your shit together. At all. -He tells you that’s bullshit. He tells you anyone in your position would be breaking down, yes including a bear. -He tells you you’re the strongest person he’s ever met and whatever’s going on with Ratchet’s not your fault. It’s not. -He has a point, but you still feel so weak, and tell him you can see why Ratchet wouldn’t want to be with someone as fragile as you. -Seeing you like this breaks something in him. There’s protocols blowing up left and right in his processor and spark telling him to stop the tiny human from crying. Stop the adoptive mother of his sparkling from crying. Stop you from crying. -So he rolls over, he cradles you against his cheek while you sob. You lean into him, throw your tiny arms around him and - -He kisses you -He realizes it’s a mistake the second he does it. He breaks the kiss, wracked with guilt, apologies immediately, tires to pull away- -You don’t let him. You kiss him back. -His field rolls over you out of nowhere like a tsunami, knocking you on your ass. -He can feel your field already sinking it’s inexperienced kitten claws into his, and he yanks it away before they can entwine further. -You two stare at each other in silence for a few moments after that, before wordlessly heading back inside. -You go straight to bed, too tired to analyze exactly what the fuck that was, or wonder if you were wrong about him not liking you. -He goes back to his room and stares at the wall. He has no excuse for what the fuck he just did. He doesn’t even drink. He made that mistake stone cold sober. -Both you and Ratchet need his support right now, not whatever shit he just pulled. -He’s a leader and a father. He can’t ever afford to make a mistake like that again. -But he can’t leave you alone, because he knows Ratchet won’t be here for you. -And he can’t leave Ratchet alone, because he won’t let anyone else near him. -He stares at the wall for the rest of the night.

-The next day, the sparkling sends out it’s first ping, seeking to start it’s nonverbal, psychic bond with it’s sire -Except, it doesn’t send it to it’s sire. -Ratchet’s field had been clamped so tightly around his frame ever since this started you haven’t been able to feel it at all. Naturally, the sparkling had nothing to cling to either. -Instead, it forms a bond with the mech who’s field dragged you in like a riptide -It forms one with Optimus -Neither of you bring this up to Ratchet. You can’t. You both already feel guilty as hell for whatever the fuck that was. -But neither of you can deny the gravitational pull you feel towards each other anymore. -The sparkling starts sending him clips of your voice. Of His voice. -Optimus feels his spark splitting in two both because this tiny little ethereal voice is calling out to him, not Ratchet, and because he can’t answer that tiny voice. -You make tentative plans to put your head through a fucking cheese grater the second this metal baby is out of you.

-Fortunately, that comes sooner than later. -Unfortunately, much like with Bee, the sparkling’s field gets lodged in your brainwaves during emergence, and can’t fully separate -They do finally become untangled once she’s born -But that’s only after your neural activity slows to a crawl when you blackout -NOW it’s coma time, baby.

-Seeing you comotose after giving birth to his sparkling is the last straw for Ratchet -He snaps -Hands the sparkling to Optimus, apologizes, and just leaves. -Optimus is left largely alone and flailing with this sparkling, who is basically recognizing him as her dad. -She repeatedly sends him clips of your voice, her way of asking “Where’s mom? I want mom? I waited so long to see them where’s mom?” -The first thing she blurts out with her primitive vox are the beginning notes to David Bowie’s Diamond Dogs. -Echo seems like a fitting name. He relays this experience and the suggestion to Ratchet. -Ratchet’s optics glaze over. His lip trembles. He unintentionally crushes the cube of hi-grade he’s holding, but agrees. -But beyond that, Ratchet is gone. -Wakes up, attends to any medical issues for the team, then drinks himself to unconsciousness, rinse and repeat. -He is a miserable, drunk old bastard barely fit for duty let alone to be a father -Thank god for Fowler, who’s kept people like Astoria, Carly and Raoul on call for exactly this outcome(He predicted robot fucking would have repercussions, and he was RIGHT) -Astoria takes one look at your comatose body and gets her tubes tied immediately. -They wind up having to take babysitting off base most of the time, though, because Ratchet refuses to be around any humans -Which is why when Jack, Miko and Raf wind up there eventually, he’s less than enthused. -They should leave. They NEED to leave, because he’s only ever hurt things smaller than himself. -Despite this, Raf and Bumblebee manage to still get through to him somehow. -His relationship with Echo, though. -It’s bad. -He can’t even look at her without seeing your face. And Soundwave’s face. And every single cassette he forced into existence.

-Optimus visits you while you slumber. -It’s not often that he can do this, pressure of being a leader. And a father. And now the lone diplomatic relation between cybertronians and humanity, after you decided to take a preemptive dirt nap. -Sometimes he tells you mundane things, like how his day went, how everyone’s doing -He likes to tell you how Bee and Echo are doing. That they’ve gotten along exceedingly well. Their so close in age, that’s to be expected. -But Bee adores her, and she’s aggressively possessive of him -And, when he’s run out of things to say, he’ll thank you. He’ll thank you for saving Bumblebee. For fighting so hard to establish refuge for his people here. For keeping him company. For being his friend. -For letting him love you. -He always chokes up on the last one, and leaves before he can finish, excusing himself from a quiet room and leaving as silently as he came.

-Ratchet visits you too. -A lot -In fact, when he’s not in the infirmary, or his quarters, or drinking in either of those places, he’s here. -But unlike Optimus, he comes up empty for words. -He just watches your unmoving body, and the gentle oscillations of the various monitors hooked up to you -He will say one thing, though, every time. Right before he leaves -It’s always the same thing. -”I’m sorry.”

-While this is going on, you’re busy cavorting around with Elita in the realm of the primes with Rumble and Frenzy -She (lovingly) berates you for not sleeping with her husband, which is a trip in of itself. -In between trials she teaches you how to hop in and out of dreams -Even the nightmarish, extremely unstable ones -So naturally, you dive right into one of Ratchet’s dreams -You’re flooded with every single last thing haunting his mind. -All of it. His history with the medical research. Everything he’s done. -It’s so horrific you can hardly stay for longer than a heartbeat, but- -You fight through the darkness to get to him, unrelenting until you grab his servo -And when you do so, you get to see him. Actual him. The him buried beneath the toxic walls he’s built up. -And that him bleeds nothing but the purest, unconditional love for you. For your sparkling. For Optimus and Bee. -He’s still there. The mech you fell in love with is still there. -He’s just drowning in his own regret and misery with no way out -His anguish is an uncharted mountain and he needs a guide -You’re going to have to be that guide -So with some intense astral fuckery, you drag him him out of his own dream, and Elita drags the both of you into Optimus’s dream.

-Optimus’s dream is more stable. -Thank god it can withstand the emotional shitshow that is the four of you being in the same place -There’s enough angst and self-blame to flood god’s basement -Elita, being dead and all, has even less tolerance for this bullshit then the three living of you combined -She grabs you with one arm and kisses you, and uses the other arm to push Ratchet into Optimus’s lap. -It devolves into a fourway pretty fast -You’re the luckiest human in the fucking universe -Afterwards, Optimus laments how guilty he feels for wanting this. For enjoying this. How bad he feels about wanting you. How much he still wants Ratchet. -He feels like a selfish asshole for pining after you both. You two should be happy together. Why can’t he just be happy for you two while silently drowning in his grief for Elita -Both you, Ratchet and Elita tell him that’s bullshit. -Both you, Ratchet and Elita tell him all of them deserve to be happy. -Elita tells all of you in no uncertain terms if you three don’t find a way to be a thruple IRL she’ll put each and every one of you in a sex coma IRL so help her Primus.

-You wake up. -It’s been 30. Fucking. years. -The first thing you see upon waking up is the last thing you saw before blacking out -Your little girl -She’s taller than a two story townhouse and her optics are the same color as your eyes. -”Welcome back, Mom.” -You can’t even begin to comprehend what you’re seeing -You don’t have time. The next person in the room is Bee, who’s even taller. -He knees down, trembling, warbling, tears in his optics. -”Did you have a nice nap?” -Reader.exe has stopped working -The next person in -Oh -Oh. -It’s Ratchet -Bee and Echo clear out before you can scream at them not to leave, leaving you alone with your estranged boyfriend

-He walks over to you slowly, mouth set in a firm, flat line. -He kneels down beside you, places his hand on the side of the berth -And starts openly weeping. -He’s sorry. He’s sorry for putting you in danger. He’s sorry for knocking you up. he’s sorry for icing you out. He’s sorry for fucking everything and tells you if you had even a shred of self-preservation instinct left in you you’d leave him and never look back and he’d never blame you and- -And you tell him to shut the fuck up. -You kiss him. He smells like highgrade and millennia of repressed guilt and you can’t get enough of it because it’s fucking Ratchet.

-You tell him about the coma. You tell him about all the dreams. You prove it to him by relaying everything about the cassettes. -His face pales further. You decide to (temporarily) withhold information about the dream orgy -You reassure him that where you were and how you got there, you could see shit. You could see the driving force and divine interplay of how bad decisions and poor judgment come to tangle hopelessly together and prompt action like puppeteers through the strings of the livings and you’re absolutely not done which this, but -You still love him. Nothing is ever going to change that. -Dude looks like he was fucking reborn. There’s something so young in those teal searchlights that make you feel like a child again. -For a moment, everything is okay. -He spends the rest of the night with you, never once leaving your side.

-You don’t get a happily ever after yet, though. -You still have two grown-ass children you need to catch up with -One of which doesn’t know you at all. -She’s extremely eager to start a relationship with you though because she’s been looking forward to this her entire life -She might be an adult, but the way she turns her optics on you and listens with rapt attention when literally anything comes out of your mouth makes you feel like you actually got your baby back -She’s utterly fascinated by you and worships the ground you walk on, treating you like some sort of beloved idol or storybook character come to life -It’s cute for now and probably not the healthiest reaction but that is by no means your biggest concern, because -Echo and Ratchet’s relationship is terrible -You can’t even call it a relationship -She’s got daddy issues out the aft -Blames him for everything that happened to you, which he happily reinforced with his self-depreciating lifestyle -Bee also low-key blames Ratchet for taking his mom away. He understand it’s not his fault, it was an accident, but you were gone for 30 years. -Echo is absurdly attached to the gaggle of humans that raised them, even more so than Bee. -She’s even more attached to Optimus, follows him around like a lost puppy and craves his approval -Which isn’t that hard to earn because he adores her. -He struggles with her grudge against her biological sire, though. Because no matter what he’s never found it in himself to blame Ratchet, and has tried, to little avail, to turn her towards him. -She’s shown considerable proficiency in medicine, but refuses to study it seriously because it’s what “that guy” does and FUCK “That guy”. -You know it’s not entirely your responsibility to fix her and Bee’s opinion of Ratchet -But it’s an enormous fucking mess and the burden’s going to be way easier if shared

-You go to Optimus for help -Because, aside from the humans, he’s the one who basically raised these two. -Alone -That cannot have possibly been easy -That cannot have possibly left him without some damage -He’s been kind, but distant ever since you awakened -Seems to be reluctant to speak to you alone -But once you have him alone, he breaks down -Sweeps you up in his hands -begs you to just let him hold you -He missed you. He missed you so fucking bad -He never told Ratchet about the time you two merged. Or the bond he formed with Echo because of it -Or the kiss -The guilt that comes over his face when bringing this up breaks your heart -You can’t take it anymore

-You go to Ratchet -You tell him about the dream in blinding detail -He looks like he’s watching a slow motion train crash when you bring it up, but he remembers every last vivid bit as though it were yesterday -Admits it was the happiest he’d ever been and waking up felt like getting kicked out of heaven -Admits he never actually wanted to break up with Optimus -Admits those feelings resurfaced when you were sick and Optimus was the only one he’d let anywhere near him -Admits that made him feel even worse because you were fucking dying -Probes you for your feelings for Optimus -This time you break -Fall to your knees and start fucking sobbing -You’ve loved this mech ever since you first laid eyes on him -Ever since fate determined you’d bring that tiny yellow sparkling from the brink of death -Being apart from him makes you feel like a plant without water. You’re shriveling up and drying out. -You need him. You don’t want to be apart anymore. -You tell Ratchet about the merge. The bond. The kiss. -Ratchet looks about as relived as he does devastated -Relived, because you want Optimus as badly as he still does -Devastated because he made himself physically unavailable for Echo to form that bond -He knows forming that bond with Optimus was probably the best thing that could have possibly happened to her at the time -But he also knows it happened because he fucked up and continued to fuck up for thirty whole ass years and his daughter wants nothing to do with him and it’s completely his fault -You tell him as kindly as possible, that yeah, he’s right, but also to shut the fuck up. -If she knew what he’d been through, she’d understand. -It’s gonna take a long time and a whole lot of work, but it’s not too late to fix this. -It’s also not too late to fix things with Optimus, and that probably won’t take as much work

-Since that’s the easier of the two tasks by far, that’s the one you guys start with -Both you and Ratchet corner him in the infirmary after he comes back from a mission a little banged up -Tell him in plain fucking english you both remember the dream, both want him romantically and carnally, both willing to move mountains to make this work, and if you don’t want Elita to make good on her threat you’d better sort this shit out now -Optimus doesn’t need any further convincing -Fucks you both till you see Primus and pass out.

-Now that you’ve made headway on sorting your relationship shit out, -It’s time to start sorting the parenting shit out -With the three of you working together, it’s a lot less overwhelming -Bee, emotionally mature as he is, winds up working through his grievances with Ratchet pretty easily -He never wanted to hold a grudge against him to begin with, and was pretty eager to drop it when given sufficient reason -That, and the fact that his dad, (who he’d been goading to confess to for years) has finally hooked up with his mom makes him pretty happy. -Echo is far less easy to appease -For a while, it actually gets worse, since she’s jealous of the time you and Optimus spend with Ratchet -But because of the time you’re spending together, it makes it harder for her to avoid him

-She asks you one day “what the frag you could possibly see in him” while she’s simultaneously re-calibrating the ground bridge resonance controls and running an experimental distillation on synthetic red energon -Staring stupidly with your mouth open at the similarities, you tell her -”Right now, I see you. Goddamn you’re just like him.” -She snaps her wrench in half, growls and kicks the shards across the room. -“Like him? I can’t fraggin’ stand him!” -You sigh. “He can’t stand himself either.” -She makes a face like she knows you have a point but isn’t willing to admit it even to herself, and that’s the exact same face Ratchet made when you told him you wanted to keep her.

-She finally approaches Ratchet the next day -Just walks up to him while he’s in the lab, drags a stool over and sits down -”So apparently we both hate ourselves” -Ratchet stops what he’s doing. -“What could you possibly hate yourself for?” -”Besides the obvious?” “-What obvious-?” “I’m the reason mom was in a coma.” -Ratchet drops his wrench. And his jaw -Tries to tell her that’s bullshit. -She won’t let him get a word in edgewise -”And I know you hate yourself for that too.” -He doesn’t even try to deny that one -”Hating you for the same reason I hate myself makes it easier to hate myself. And I…don’t want to hate myself anymore.” -Ratchet.exe has stopped working -She tells him she has absolutely not forgiven him for being practically non-existent in her life, and she’s not sure if she ever will but- -Maybe she doesn’t have to, to move on. -Maybe they can acknowledge this as a massive-ass problem that will keep coming back and never fully be resolved -And maybe they can move forward despite it -And despite both of them trying exceedingly hard not to be, they’ve wound up extremely similar, so -Maybe learning not to hate themselves will be easier if they do it together. -She tells him in spite of everything she still wants to like him. So bad. -Ratchet finally stops, and turns to look at her. -She’s gritting her denta, digging her digits into the side of the seat so hard it cracks, and holding back tears. -He tells her, after several tries to get his mouth working again, that he wants to give her a reason to like him. -”Yeah well-” she shakily pries her servos off the seat, jumps down, picks up his wrench and hands it back to him. “I guess we have the rest of our lives to figure that out.” -Her hands brush his as she hands the wrench back, and for the first time, she doesn’t recoil or jerk them away. -She leaves -He stands there for a whole thirty seconds after she leaves staring at the wrench before setting it down on the desk -Then putting his helm down on the desk -And starts crying harder in relief then he’s ever cried in his life

[mizukagami-takamagahara]

@ramix-the-red;

Right!? Considering who she was married to, just the fact that they were together brings up a whole mystery. Like you, I find it extremely hard to believe that it was just a normal relationship- I don't see Relius as someone who just falls in love and marries. Some villains do lend themselves to this image of "they're a crazy villain most of the time but have an exceedingly normal personal life," but that's just... not Relius.

For my own personal theory/read on the situation, I definitely think you're on to something with the idea that it was some kind of strategic 'marriage of convenience.' Looking at who Ada and Carl became, and looking at what Relius values, I imagine Ignis must have had an incredibly 'notable soul.' Whether that meant she had a very strong soul, or just a very interesting one (think Relius' interest in Meifang) that Relius felt would be 'good material' for him to work with Relius Trying To Propose: "I would love to study you" or what, I don't know. Perhaps, as you mentioned, he was already looking for a soul to use as a core for his Detonator project- or perhaps he just found her fascinating, and having her as a research specimen and an available resource was part of what pushed him into creating the Detonator line.

I don't believe Relius was actively looking for a wife to produce offspring. Some 'evil scientist' characters do actively spouse-hunt for the purpose of creating a certain kind of offspring, a little dalliance in eugenics, but I don't interpret Relius as the type to be interested in that. I think his 'scientific curiosity' is a lot more impulsive. He finds something that catches his eye, he obsesses over it, pokes it with a few sticks, and sees what he can make it into.

But back to Ignis. I imagine her as someone with some kind of notable soul to capture Relius' interest, and if I'm allowed to get a little creative given we have nothing to go off of, possibly a personality type that he favored too. We see that he doesn't like the 'bleeding heart' type like Litchi, but he gets very fixated on women with strong convictions, like Makoto. I could see also see her having a high Ars Magus Aptitude that contributed to her children's abilities, alongside Relius' talents with magic.

I'm also inclined to believe that she was from a noble family. Rereading Pupeteers, we see that the Clover family lived in a sizable estate, and there seems to be implication that they may have had at least some level of staffing in their house. That kind of status could easily come from Relius' position in the NOL, but for the sake of Trying To Find Clues About Ignis, I'm inclined to attribute at least some of that to her. Also, if Relius went directly into the NOL upon reaching this time period, it would make be reasonable for the people he meets to be mostly other NOL affiliates- he's already very antisocial, it's not like he's going out to parties to meet people. For anyone to catch Relius' eye, they'd have to come to him first.

(tangent) Though in the same short story, we also get to meet Ignis' sibling and their spouse. Francis notably answers the door himself and Rosanne prepares Carl's room personally, suggesting that if they have any staff, it's a small enough amount that they wouldn't be working at night. Although they are noted to have a big enough house that a whole extra bedroom is present to be given to Carl in the first place despite the couple having no kids of their own, and it's possible they have more than one extra room, as when they try to separate Nirvana from Carl, they tell him she'll sleep in a different room- if there wasn't another extra bedroom to give her, I would expect Carl to argue against her 'sleeping' in the living room or something. I... could very easily go off on another tangent, theorizing the size of the household, positions employed, and where in a social hierarchy that would place the family- but I'll save that for another post maybe. I'm already all over the place.

Back to my point, that I believe Ignis was a member of the nobility. Considering what we know about the culture of the BlazBlue world at this point in time, the people most likely to be highly skilled or to have talents with Ars Magus/Seithr/Magic/Etc are the nobility, where we see a lot of focused training from a young age and political/eugenics-esque marriages.

This is further supported by the way Carl and Ada act in their youth. We see them dressed well but modest, acting polite, and we see them being educated under a set of standards that match up with high society values- chess, manners, violin, etc. I can't imagine Relius alone was making all the choices about what direction to go in with raising them, or we would see a more hands-off approach and a lot more stress on engineering, combat, and his scientific interests. I find it more believable that Ignis was raised in a similar environment as part of the nobility, and intended to raise her children in line with those ideals.

I don't think Ignis' family would be from the high nobility like the Duodecim, their branch families, or anything in their circle. They have a much more rigid and notably distinct (often Japanese) culture. I would place Ignis' familial status more in line with the Vermillions, though a few rungs higher up the ladder as her family hasn't been disgraced. If anything, marrying Relius, a prominent military figure, would have raised her status a little. The Vermillions also seem to have a similar aesthetic- compare Ada's clothing to what Noel wears as a child. This could further support the idea that Ignis was a low-ranking noble.

I'll wrap this up here because, wow, I did not intend to go on and on that much. Thanks for commenting and inspiring me to write this out in the first place- these are some Ignis Characterization thoughts I've had for a while, but I haven't put them into words until now.

[familyabolisher]

how do you read so much? my yearly goal is 30 books and even that is a struggle. i’d appreciate any tips!

i don’t have a life <3 sincerely though, a few things that helped me:

listening to audiobooks – obviously ymmv on this one, i personally find it a lot harder to absorb and retain information through audiobooks so i tend to save them for rereads, but if you spend a lot of time walking/commuting/doing other such tasks where you might have headphones in then audiobooks are great. (i worked as a cleaner up until the end of october this year and used to listen to audiobooks + podcasts all through my shifts, which definitely like substantially boosted the number of books i got through lol)

keeping a list of what you’ve read and what you want to read, including planning out the, say, five or so books you plan to read next – i find this always motivates me to get through my current books + makes me more likely to look forward to the next ones, which makes me want to read them more, which makes me read them faster, etc.

keeping a note of what you think of a book when you’re done with it – often i’m motivated to finish books sheerly for the sake of being able to write down & make sense of all the thoughts that i have simmering in my brain as i read it, be they good or bad. this is also great for developing a more engaged reading practice (which imo is far more important than just reading ‘more’); as you become a more engaged reader, you’ll get more out of reading & feel motivated to do it more often. rather than reading for the sake of reading, having an active + engaged relationship with texts will hopefully make the process an enjoyable one. reading should be a hobby rather than a chore!!

seems obvious, but, try and develop a good feel for what sorts of books you actually enjoy and want to revisit, and try not to subscribe too hard to intellectual hierarchies or an insistence that you ‘should’ be reading one form of text over another. as i said above, you’ll read more if you enjoy reading and feel engaged by a text (and, like, reading should be something you do for the enjoyment lol); try not to subscribe too rigidly to a sense that you ‘ought’ to read particular books and instead pay attention to what interests you personally. obviously challenging yourself and pushing beyond your comfort zone is also a good practice to cultivate, but if you’re working your way through a list of, say, canonical literature, and not finding yourself engaged by any of it, and then wondering why you don’t feel motivated to read very often, it might be worthwhile to look elsewhere. (& the impetus to challenge yourself is, in my experience, one that comes in time, with the prerequisite enjoyment of books.)

get books on your phone!! can’t recommend it enough! gamechanger! download some epubs or pdfs, whichever format you prefer (personally i use epubs and read them in the google books app because i find that a lot more readable than pdfs) and read a couple of pages at a time instead of scrolling through social media.

similarly, taking books out with me when i leave the house – i can read on public transport, waiting at a bus stop, in a coffee shop, wherever, even if it’s just like 2 or 3 pages at a time.

having a consistent time at which you read every day, like, say, half an hour before bed; also, set this to a relatively low amount so that you’re likely to do it even on busy or low-energy days. reading X amount at Y time as a habit means that even if you don’t read at all for the rest of the day, you’ll still get in, like, ten or so pages in that window. 

all in all i would say it’s more important to learn to read carefully and thoughtfully than to try and read as many books as possible, but hopefully this is helpful in developing a consistent habit!

[oneshortdamnfuse]

Hi. I saw your video on the HP game. I found your points interesting. I never got into that franchise myself but a very dear friend of mine, who is trans, grew up with this franchise and it helped her cope in so many ways. She never cared for jkr. However when the bs that woman spits out became hard to ignore it broke my friend's heart she was so upset. She decided however to seperate the movies from jkr for the sake of her childhood memories. She feels awfully conflicted about it though since it meant so much to her and is devastated the author ruined this magical world. Do you have any tips? Sorry for asking you but you seem so wise and knowledgeable. I have no idea how to help my friend out of this dilemma 😔 and I don't think telling her to look for another franchise is helpful or an appropriate thing to say

Hey 👋🏻

It's not my video specifically. I am just sharing it.

I know what it's like to enjoy media made by a person who is pretty terrible. While there are valid arguments to be made about separating the art from the artist, it's important to consider whether engaging in the art itself 1) perpetuates a harmful ideology and/or 2) gives monetarily to a person or group of people who will go on to fund a harmful activity of some kind.

The point is to think about where your money is going and to be conscious of the content you are consuming.

For example, the fast food industry as a whole is exploitative. All of these companies engage in bad labor practices and use up important resources. But. There are times when people have to eat something quick and easy and inexpensive. I don't blame people for that. However, some companies like Chick fil a are using their money to donate to really harmful and homophobic organizations. When we ask people to avoid buying from there, we run into the same issues with JKR's work. It's part of our childhood! We like it! We're just trying to enjoy our lives in this capitalist hellscape!

Yet, there are alternative products to Chick fil a. The downside for me is that most fast food doesn't meet my dietary needs, but Chick fil a has items I can eat. Still, I don't want to be complicit in their harm so I choose not to buy from them. I have to ask myself if my craving for grilled chicken nuggets is more important than the queer people being harmed by their donations to homophobic organizations and you know what? To me it's not worth it. It takes more energy out of me, but I can make grilled chicken nuggets at home.

Does that make my life a little bit harder? Yeah, especially when I have no energy to cook and I can't easily pick up a cheap meal. It's worth it to me though to make that "sacrifice." I don't perfectly avoid all businesses with horrible practices because I just can't afford to sometimes, but the point of that video is not "do no harm," but rather do less harm.

...and look, harm isn't 100% avoidable even if you tried your best. I know this. Does rereading the HP books you already have make you complicit in the harm JKR does to trans folks? I don't know. I am not the judge. However, I do know that continuing to buy JKR's work contributes to TERF lobbies and Anti-Trans legislation. Whether or not you like her work isn't important so much as it's important how the money made from her work is being used. There are alternatives to JKR - much better alternatives to JKR. It's not insensitive to say, hey, maybe this hyperfixation you have on her work deserves some self reflection and maybe distancing yourself from it can't happen overnight but it may be worthwhile to seek out content that has a similar premise but does not involve harmful tropes nor line the pockets of bigots.

Fiction is fiction, yeah.

There's many fictional works out there made by problematic people with problematic elements and the enjoyment of that work doesn't mean you are a bad person. It's normal to enjoy things with a critical eye or say, okay, I know this thing they said or did was wrong but I can separate that from my enjoyment of their work and I personally am not going to use my enjoyment of their work to intentionally harm anyone.

But Fiction is also fiction in the sense that it's not so deep that you can't possibly divorce yourself from art and artists who are actively doing harm forever or at least until they are no longer actively doing harm. There's other stuff out there. I feel like it's not as big of a deal as people make it out to be to drop something that is causing people harm, especially if it is doing harm to your own community. There are much bigger ethical dilemmas than figuring out whether or not to buy more HP content.

[benkyoutobentou]

One small step for language learning...

A few days ago, I finally completed a huge goal of mine- finish a novel in Japanese! I had meant to finish it months ago, but life got in the way. Then, my brain got in the way.

I started 美少年探偵団 with a book club and kept on track pretty well, but fell off when finals started up. After finals, and subsequently school, ended, I hardly touched the book all summer, even though I was about 3/4 of the way finished. I was a little bit scared of it, reading in a foreign language is hard and even while reading it, I could tell that it was out of my comfort zone compared to my normal manga. But finally, I set a goal to finish this book by the end of August. And I did! I started taking it with me to school so that I could read in between classes, before class started, after class, the list goes on. It was difficult, but I feel so accomplished.

I joke that a book for middle schoolers kicked my ass, but it’s also important to remember that reading anything at all in a second, third, etc. language is extremely impressive! Sometimes I need to remind myself that even Japanese ten year olds have been learning Japanese for eight years longer than I have. Take the time to look back at far you’ve come instead of only looking at how much you have left to learn.

Even though it was difficult and I didn’t quite understand everything, not only am I glad that I read it for the sake of completing a goal, I also really enjoyed it! It may take me some time and lots of studying, but I feel like I’ll one day return to the 美少年探偵団 series.

And so, here are some tips for people also just starting to read harder content in their target languages:

Put yourself in a situation where you have to read. I found that I read a lot while at work because it was a quiet activity that I could do without many necessary materials.

Take it with you. In line at the store? Read. Waiting for class to start? Read. Waiting for your coffee to be served at the coffee shop? Read.

Make big goals. Try setting a goal for when you want to finish it by, but try to make it realistic. This differs for everyone, so don’t compare yourself to other learners (it took me five months to finish this one book!).

Make small goals. If you have a big goal in mind, break it up into smaller goals. If you want to finish a book in a month, see how many pages you would have to read per day and set that as a daily goal, or adjust if you realize you bit off more than you could chew.

Read with friends. I started this first book of mine with an online book club. Not only could the other readers fill me in on what I didn’t understand, but discussing each set of chapters was lots of fun and the built in weekly chapters of the club kept my reading on track.

Challenge yourself. There are friendly online challenges like Tadoku where you compete against other language learners to read as much in your target language as possible. Tadoku specifically doesn’t only count novels, but also counts things such as manga, internet pages, and even video games as reading and has a myriad of language options to choose form, but you compete against everyone from all languages.

Remember that you can reread. If you find yourself putting off books because you don’t think you’ll be able to understand everything, just remember that you can go back and reread things. There’s also a certain kind of joy in reading things easily that were once difficult for you.

Have fun! I always say that the easiest immersion material is the material you enjoy the most. If you’re bored with the book you’re reading, you’re not going to want to continue reading it.

Happy reading! And remember that no time spent in your target language is wasted time, no matter how easy or difficult the material.

[captnjacksparrow]

OMFG I ABSOLUTELY ADORE YOUR BLOG!!!!!!

this is a personal question actually, but how do you manage to find all the proof to support your arguments, i mean you cand prove literally ANYTHING!!!! and you have such valid arguments to support our ship and tell those nh and ss idiots off! do you remember every panel and nust search for it or you reread the manga everytime? and btw how many times have you read the manga and how many have you watched the anime?

IMO you are THE BEST SNS blog!!!! i remember i used to ship nh and ss as well although sns was my otp but i used to get mad when someone said that sasuke didnt love sakura or naruto didnt love hinata, and that was before even finishing the series. ofc i already knew who was gonna end up with, and i was sooo sure that there were gonna be episodes for ss and nh development. and there was NOTHING. i discoverd you blig and fell in live with it and I HATE SS AND NH

SNS GOR LIFE

OMFG I ABSOLUTELY ADORE YOUR BLOG!!!!!! IMO you are THE BEST SNS blog!!!! I discovered you blog and fell in live with it and I HATE SS AND NH

Thank you so much..🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩.. Dear Anon!!!! Glad that it helped you out with something... and Happy to hear this!!!

I have already written a post titled "Why I ship SNS?"... That was my second post in Tumblr. But I never wrote how I came to ship SNS because that's one hell of an experience... I am taking this ask as a chance... Because every question in this ask is definitely related to it....

How I came to ship SNS???

I've said this in many posts, I started to ship SNS only after episode 478, Sasuke's confession. And SNS is the first couple I actively ship in a social media. I've been into many fandoms but I never shipped any of the main couples as I usually find those pairings to be worthless and completely boring. And I never felt the love between said Couples to be extra-ordinary (except for one), in the first place. I was there just to participate talking about the General story, theories, Set pictures, leaked script, predictions and stuffs...

My first reaction when I realized Naruto and Sasuke love each other was.... "DEAD PANIC & PROFUSED SWEATING with all those ‘Weird’ scenes flashing in my mind"...... Like an absolute horror as if I got up from a 24 hour nightmare...

Reason being?

How can a Shounen Anime which targets young boys could convey this kind of story about a love between 2 boys in a much refined and clever way???

How could I be so stupid for almost 300+ Canon Episodes to not realize this??

Am I shipping an unusual couple??? Like I know Naruto considered Sasuke as his brother in the early part of Shippuden, even though they were not related by blood. What if I unconsciously started to ship 2 people whose dynamics may resemble Naruto and Konohamaru???? Eeeeshhhh.....

Am I deluding???

Did this author and the production team Queerbaited everyone just for the sake of doing it???

If they are friends.... why are they behaving 'strange' like some lovers????

I have seen this kind of dynamics before.... What if they really loved each other??? (SNS always reminded me of Mo Dao Zu Shi or The Untamed on a regular basis)

So, you see.... I got lots of questions along with my deadly panic stricken feeling.....

I just said to myself, "Alright, let me complete this series and then we can analyze our feelings later"...

So, I watched Episode 479.... And I felt.... The End!!! A sense of completeness.

Why?

First off, Naruto and Sasuke shared a long meaningful look with that striked out Konoha Hitai Ate which gave me a vibe that this story was over. I felt like there was nothing left to say, story wise.

And then this!!!

Because of this picture, they put out at the end of the episode 479. It was voiced over by Hiruzen.... And I've already seen this before!!!!

Where???

This is the very first shot of Episode 1 which was again voiced over by the same 3rd Hokage, Hiruzen.

A series started with a monologue and end with the same monologue voiced by the same VA...

Like I truly felt the series was over. And yet there were some 20+ episodes left... What purpose do they serve narrative wise????

So, I went straight up to Episode 500. Because my instinct already told me that this story was over and what else is there to be told??? I really couldn't wait and I went to 500 expecting Naruto to be crowned as Hokage or something...

But, Fuck!!!! All I saw was a Fugliest Fuck Ugly Naruto who was seen wedding Hinata... And Sasuke was nowhere to be found.... Okay... Maybe I was deluded to think that they love each other. Anyways, still they are best friends, right??? Just to get back Sasuke, Naruto was chasing him for 130+ episodes.. And why is he not in the wedding???? Did Naruto really became a Fucking Horny Moron to abandon his Closest Friend just because he got horny all of a sudden???? Or is this some kind of Sherlock leaving the Watson’s wedding scenario????

How come this series started with Naruto screaming, "I will become an Hokage"... ended with a mere marriage where Naruto hasn't even become an Hokage??? What's happening really...?????

Tons and Tons of questions.

I decided to re-watch and find the answer. But this time I watched it from Sasuke's POV to get more perspective on his story because sometimes I felt that Episode 478 confession was a retcon to prove that “Sasuke always thought of Naruto as a Friend”. I excluded certain episodes on Re-Watch like Sakura Vs Ino, Lee Vs Gaara and many more which doesn’t affect the stories of Naruto and Sasuke.... Because I already know what happened in those episodes and it served no purpose to the overall story.

On my re-watch, I noticed many things which I failed to notice on my first watch. That is, Sasuke was extremely expressive around Naruto and Itachi... He made lot of exceptions for him.. He is not that cold and aloof person in front of Naruto... He even uses special Nickname for him. And the more I paid attention to the series, the more I realized the love between N & S. And this is when I realized, Sasuke's love was so extreme and intense to the point of Sasuke himself not knowing how to deal with it. And that’s why he was trying to kill him.

I also noticed that there are so many scenes which are totally unnecessary or could have been handled in a different way, if they really wanted to show them as just friends or brothers or special friends. And I realized, none of them are accidental but intentional.

Finally, I came to this conclusion that... "I was fucking right, all along". My instincts were right. I am not deluding. They really love each other. They don't like those girls at all. Those girls were deluding themselves..... And remember that picture I attached above which was shown at the end of Episode 479??? I think that the Anime team was telling.... Sorry, warning the viewers that... this story is Over... “Why are you still here mfs???Get the fuck out of this series while you still can... Because what you are about to see from now on is a total cringe-fest”.... Thank God.... I got the cue and I didn’t watch anything after that. I did watch upto Sasuke Shinden, though.

Anyways, just to give the benefit of Doubt for other ships, I wanted to watch it one more time. But this time, from the POV of Hinata and Sakura, Karin..... LOLOLOL. Like I became an Anti of the Anti-est SNS. And I really mean it!! For some brief period, I tried to hate SNS just to get this perspective. At the same time, I tried to read the Manga simultaneously.

Oh Boy!!!! And this is where I really wanted to pat my shoulders and feel proud about myself for taking the right decision. Because this is where I really enjoyed the series so much to point of realizing something I never would have If I hadn't watched from Sakura's or Hinata’s POV.... Viewing the series through the lens of the girls gave me so many perspectives about SS, NH, NaruSaku, SK and most importantly SNS. 

[[NaruSaku gave me a hard time though, but I realized the truth very recently]]

I clearly understood why the author wrote these girls in such way and their purpose. How cleverly Kishimoto was showing the difference between the way Sasuke treats Naruto and Sakura.

Man!!! It must be frustrating for Sakura all the times when Sasuke treated Naruto like a Princess... whereas with her... it was total indifference. Like it was so frustrating to watch Sasuke from her POV and support SS. Because there was nothing. Like this girl is ready to do anything for him. But Sasuke is totally impervious to her love.

The feelings shown by Sakura and Naruto are totally similar. But towards Sakura, he was completely annoyed & distant whereas with Naruto he goes wide-eyed.

For Example....

In this panel... Sakura was crying rivers for Sasuke. Because, she couldn't tolerate the pain Sasuke was undergoing. She doesn't want him to suffer anymore. 

Why???

Because she loves him. And it's very obvious for us viewers. 

Now, the very first question I got on my re-watch was... Why couldn't Sasuke ask "Why do you care about me?" to Sakura in this particular scene???? He asked the same question to Naruto many times.... Whereas with Sakura he shuts her off with, "This has nothing to do with you"..... Like why???

Because if I am an Orphan, even littlest care someone show towards me will make me curious towards that person. But Sakura goes one step above and cries for him... Why??? Because Sasuke’s suffering hurts her somehow. This is a perfect scene for Sasuke to ask her, “Why do you care about me?”.... To which Sakura might’ve said, “That’s because I love you”..... 

But No..... Sasuke was totally un-interested in Sakura’s feelings, tears and pain. He just shuts her off.

And when I was thinking about this ‘possible’ scenario, suddenly something struck my mind.....

Now... How is this feeling of Naruto had for Sasuke is any different from Sakura had for Sasuke????

Seeing Sasuke suffering by himself somehow makes Naruto hurt inside as well. Isn't this how Sakura felt when Sasuke was injected with that Cursed Seal?????

Why did Sasuke went Wide-Eyed for Naruto... Whereas he brushed off Sakura very easily???

Because he never wanted such love from her in the first place. He wanted such things only from Naruto!!!!! You will feel surprised and shocked only when receiving stuffs from whom you always loved from the bottom of your heart.... Sasuke loved Naruto... and hence he went wide-eyed.... Whereas with Sakura... Mehhh!!!!

[[Please don’t curse me for comparing Naruto’s level of feelings with this girl’s shallow feelings.... Am just pointing out the similarity of Naruto and Sakura... I am not comparing the depth of their feelings]]

And then there is this scene

Now when Sasuke is in Danger.... This girl's body moved on it's own. Why??? Because she love him....

Sasuke never thought about this moment specifically at any point of time even though he was perfectly conscious here. Whereas,

How is this any different from Sakura's gesture when she shielded him???? Whereas here, Sasuke went wide-Eyed!!!!!

All these differences, I could find only when watching from SS shipping lens.... While being an Anti-SNS (for a brief time just to verify my perspective), I was extremely frustrated with Sasuke's behaviour towards Sakura..... I mean, this girl was ready to do anything for him... and yet he simply couldn't see it or reciprocate it or he doesn’t want to do anything with her.... I really wonder how SS Shippers never felt frustrated about any of these things....

And same with the SK ship.... I must absolutely agree that as compared to SS, SK is million times better. Because Sasuke treated her better, never got annoyed with her antics and even awakened a new power for her. It would’ve made sense if he ended up with her rather than this Sakura. But that fandom also get into ‘certain’ delusions sometimes. 

LOLOL.... This is a sexual innuendo on many levels... I don’t have to go into a detail. But claiming that Sasuke is Bisexual or heterosexual or interested in Karin is.... Delusional!!! Because it was only Karin who gets ‘high’ after getting a bite from Sasuke... Sasuke never felt anything from his side.....

SK shippers are so good at debunking SS but when it comes to their own ship, they get into this baseless claims... This is the same with SS, NH and NS... And this is what I wanted to prevent when shipping SNS.. That is, to delude myself and spread wrong facts...

And so many things I learnt about SNS when I watched this series from the lens of NS, SS and NH, SK.... So, that’s why I could prove that SNS knocks off every other ship by a wide margin. Because all those girls were used for shielding the obvious Gayness of Naruto and Sasuke. Because remove any of those girls....Nothing will change the main storyline... Especially Sakura!!!! She was used as an excellent beard for Naruto in the first part of Shippuden... 

For Example..

When Kakashi brought up Sasuke’s name during the Bell Test, both Sakura and Naruto reacted the same way... Or to be more precise, Naruto reacted pretty stronger than Sakura. Imagine if only Naruto behaves this way and there is no Sakura around???? It would be ‘Weird’... But add Sakura to the mix.... it looks like they feel deeply for their Former Teammate. 

I’ve seen many instances like this when I watched it from the POV of NaruSaku. LOL. It’s because I read the Manga simultaneously, I realized, NaruSaku is the fakest ship in Narutoverse. Or it’s something we call it as a Red Herring. 

Like, the Anime tried to tone down lots of stuffs from the Manga and add cringy extra scenes just to show Naruto has the truest of the true feelings of Love on her... But No!!!!!! Naruto never loved her in that way.... He liked her as a Team mate, cared about her a lot, he acknowledged her a lot because he knew how it feels to be not acknowledged by anyone and that’s all. He just mask his feelings for Sasuke under the guise of flirting with her. He clearly knew she would reject him outright and that’s why he never hesitated to ask her for dates. And that’s precisely why he rejected her Fake Confession without any hesitation or repressed feelings... because he always knew she loved Sasuke.... ever since that day Team 7 was formed. 

I agree NaruSaku had lot of interactions than NH which are more than enough to become a couple.... But neither Naruto nor Sakura had any true feelings on each other. Atleast in SS and NH, those girls’ love was true... even though it was utterly selfish and shallow. Whereas in NaruSaku.... it’s all fake. Fake from Naruto’s side as well. I mean he really wanted to believe that he possibly couldn’t like a boy and hence he was desperately forcing himself to like Sakura. I actually thought Naruto had a crush on her but got over it...Atleast when I started this Blog.... But now I take that back.... Because very recently I found that..... He never had any true ‘romantic’ feelings on her. 

Am not saying this to discredit every other ship to make SNS as the only valid one. I am not. It was all Kishimoto’s doing.  

Like, think about it.... If Kishimoto was serious about any of those ships.... he would have made it possible long back. Or atleast by chapter 692 and chapter 693. Naruto could’ve easily confessed to Minato that Hinata/Sakura was the girl he loved all along.... He really didn’t have to hesitate because that will be the final time he will see his father. He hesitated because he really didn’t find any Girl like his mom told him to. 

Or in Chapter 693, Sasuke shouldn’t have to blatantly reject Sakura by saying, “I’ve no reason to be loved by her nor did I have any reason to love her”.. 

So, the author wanted to invalidate both SS and NH until Chapter 699.... Like he did his absolute best to hold off as long as possible. And after that, in Chapter 700, he made them marry with no Love development. And what’s more??? He started to troll both the ships in Gaiden and in Boruto Manga.

Yeah, To be exact, I watched the Anime 2 times.... to get the perspective of SNS and other plotlines... 2 more times (only shipping part of SS, NH, NS, SK... Which is not much really) to get the perspective of other ships. And I read the Manga 2 times while watching the Anime simultaneously. I did this to make myself rational and want to convey my opinion through Manga Panels and Anime Screen Shots rather than writing endless paragraphs. Because I believe in ‘Picture speaks a 1000 words’... 

And my approach is not to demonize everyone who ship those couples. Everyone has every right to ship anyone. Because there are people who ship them for their Aesthetics. Somehow seeing Sakura and Sasuke excites them and they ship it... Some people like Naruto and Sakura’s dynamics and they ship it.... But those people clearly knew the characters’ level of love they have towards each other. They won’t be going koo-koo crazy over them by spreading mis-information.

But 99% of the fandom get into delusion and spread fake facts, head canons and stupid theories based on implied stuffs, interviews....OOOFFFF.... I feel pity for them really.... Because, even for a brief period, I shipped SS and NH too... Every time, Naruto ignored Hinata.... I felt utterly pissed off... Because if I propose a guy by putting my life on the line, all I want is an “Yes” or “No”... I need an answer. That’s all.... But Naruto just ignored her... Man!!!! I was terribly pissed. Whereas the shippers go on to justify it with some stupid head canon!!!! 

Where is the Self-Respect, people????

So Yeah, Only after going through all these trials and tribulations..... I came to ship SNS with such a confidence... I wanted to make sure I am not deluding myself. So, I tried to be objective as much as possible by consciously shipping SS, NH, NS.... But all I got was Frustration and Irritation while shipping those ships. Because those boys never really loved them or reciprocated their love for 699 chapters... They cared about them... Yes... But will they give their life for those girls??? Absolutely not!!!

[horizon-verizon]

@miloisthebestdog, in the comments.

First, I am talking about the books for the most part. If I am referring to the show, I will say it.

You either are making a bad faith argument on purpose or just...like that. Who said that Aegon (II) shouldn't behead people actively trying to crown different kings? Was that the argument I was making? If you truly think so, go back and reread very carefully.

IF your issue is not terrible reading comprehension (which for your sake, I hope it is), then you are purposefully trying to redirect the issue at hand so you can defend the real thing being bashed here.

The real thing being bashed here is the double standards made for Rhaenyra versus Aegon (II)'s actions not as their characters themselves or their specific characters but how men vs women's actions are interpreted and told as inherently different when they perform exactly the same actions for the sole purpose of protecting their own seats of power. Rhaenyra and Aegon represent a bigger fish, a criticism to be made of readers (probably like you) AS WELL AS the patriarchal Westerosi society that makes a man's violent actions as "necessary" and even "natural", but when a woman does something similar--even to those who have to be eliminated like slavers, rapists, etc.--she's painted as "evil". These double standards reveal a clear preference for male leaders in many forms as long as they aren't disabled or have a certain look or have people actively plotting against them; women, though, will receive every sort of insult, criticism, etc for even attempting to just keep power that has been taken from her, even power granted--by all rights--legally, as Viserys named Rhaenyra his heir and that is how succession in Westeros works.

I must also remind you that the only "law(s)" are what monarchs declare. In general, no matter the station or rank of the noble house (royals are nobles, just the highest ranking ones and the ones usually making the final decisions for the entire state), the only person who makes official and legitimate decisions for the next leader of the house is the actual house leader...who also happens to be Viserys I of House Targaryen. He made a decision for his own house as well as the state, so Rhaenyra would also have been the head of House Targaryen. And for years we see he made no change or indication of hesitation enough for others to notice. To decide who will be the next lord/lady/monarch is entirely the current lord/lady/monarch's privilege and right--even after they die and others plot against the heir, that heir has the strongest claim....and why? Because they were the declared heir. That's how it works. Viserys absolutely knew rhaenyra had children who were not her gay, mainly absent husband's and we have a written moment where Viserys--again, head of the house and final authority--say to Jacaersdy that he will become the next monarch after Rhaeyra since they boy happened to be her oldest. Corlys as well would have known and accepted these 3 V boys. We can preach all we like about how bastards cannot inherit, but we go back in both real and Westerosi history--if you don't know, brush yourself up on it or look through my post HERE, HERE, HERE where I again provide a list and context--bastards certainly did inherit or they were eventually respected either through conquest or displays of strength and skill. this tells us two things: people have always had the choice and ability to accept/not accept bastards and they do so according to their own desires, will, and advantage AND bastardy is not a real thing but a legal thing made up to suit the current people's interests in whatever creative way they can take advantage of when it comes to public opinion about bastards through Faith's bogus narratives about it or else. While the boys are not Laenor's, they are very much "Velaryon" ALL by need & affection from Viserys and Corlys and their response to the societal uber restrictions on female autonomy/succession rights AND the problem of Laenor simply being unable to impregnate Rhaenyra. The same woman, who, unlike Aegon II, only slept with a total of 2 men we know of in the original story and 4 men in the show for her entire life. Her kids, can ride dragons and just have better moral characters & competencies than any of Alicent's children (Heleana is too socially restricted bc she is a woman on top of her seemingly just being one of those people happy to be there and being a mom, book or show. She is not "bad" but she certainly has not been "bred" or at least nudged to rule).

So if you wish to try to argue with me about "oh, what about the lords?! What about Westerosi law! Rhaenyra's sons are bastards! Rhaenyra is a slut and endangered Westeros/House Targaryen", Don't say I haven't told you what is up here. Up to you to read the links, not my problem.

Aegon II did NOTHING for the realm but execute the smallfolk who were claiming for rights (Gaemon Palehair’s court) and wasting the crown money to build ridiculous and goofy ass golden statues of his brothers AMIDST THE WAR.

No arguments here. I'm assuming that you're responding to this POST. I remain annoyed that people find Rhaenyra to be the absolute worst thing that could have happened for Westeros because she had no plans of doing as Daenerys would have wanted to do for the smallfolk, and then we have most Targ men (and Westerosi lords, aristocratic patriarchy, hello?!) do fuck all for these people, yet are unquestioned as to the "right" to the throne.

[onecanonlife]

Wilbur wakes up one morning to find white in his hair. This is—irritating, for several reasons, but that’s all it is. An annoyance. A distraction.

There’s nothing deeper at work here. There’s nothing wrong at all.

(Or, the stresses of the presidency give Wilbur a white streak of hair earlier in canon, and somehow, this serves as the cry for help he can never bring himself to make.)

(word count: 6,249)

(first part) (third part) (fourth part)

——————–

Part Two

He tries to pen a letter to Phil. It’s more difficult than he remembers.

Dear Phil, he starts, and that’s good, that’s fine. All is well here in L’Manberg, he continues, and that’s good too. But from there, he’s stumped. What next? What does he tell him about? This is the part where he’d launch into a cute story, something Fundy got up to, or some trouble Tommy caused. But nothing comes to mind. Nothing recent, anyway. But the last letter he sent to Phil was—a month ago? Two, now? So he needs to write, because Phil’s far from a helicopter parent, but he still likes to know what he’s up to. Will still worry, if he gives him a reason to.

So, he needs to finish a letter. Needs to stop procrastinating.

He could write about Niki’s bakery. He can’t remember if he told Phil about it or not. He probably hasn’t, not if it’s truly been that long since his last missive. So he sets his pen to work, scratching out a few more sentences, and he reminds himself that he doesn’t need to be overly verbose. Phil doesn’t need an essay. Just a paragraph or two to assure him that he and everyone else are well, that he’s having fun, that he’s thriving.

Telling him about the bakery will work for that. Except, then, after a bit, he ends up writing, It eases my mind to visit. Truly, it’s one of the only places I let myself relax, and—no. No, that won’t do. That will make him sound as though he’s stressed, and he doesn’t want Phil to worry about that. There’s nothing Phil can do about it, and he couldn’t stand it if the admission led his father to think any less of him. He’s not going to—to start complaining to him. That would be ridiculous.

So he scratches the line out and continues on, except then, he writes, I worry that I’m shirking my responsibilities, but then, I’m probably doing that anyway, simply by virtue of not being, and he stops before he can finish that sentence, because, no. Simply, no. He is absolutely not telling Phil that.

He bites his lip. He’s already scratched out enough that he’ll probably need to start an entirely new draft anyway.

He sets the tip of the pen to paper.

I’m exhausted, he writes, but my mind won’t allow me to rest. Too many shadows in too many dark corners, I suppose. Too many thoughts circling. It’s like a hurricane in my head, and I should be in the eye, but I think the storm wall has caught me. I’m tossing in the air, at the wind’s mercy, and I’m afraid of what will happen when I fall.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know why I ever assumed that I did. And I feel afraid, because my inadequacies are failing everyone around me. I have to protect them, have to keep them safe, but sometimes I close my eyes and see everything aflame, or I see Dream and his friends flooding into the Final Control Room. We were betrayed, there. I’ve never told you this, but we all lost a life. Me, Tommy, Tubbo, and Fundy. I couldn’t do a thing to stop it. Somehow, I never thought that dying would be terrifying for me, considering who my mother is, but it is. I was so scared, and I still am.

I think I’m a disappointment. I think that if this country fails, it will be my fault, and it will only be right if I go down with it. My people have little faith in me, and they’re right not to, but I can’t bring myself to step down, because at the end of the day, I’m addicted to the power and responsibility. I’m nothing without it. If I can’t manage this, then how can I deserve the trust and faith that others have placed in me?

Most days, I think that everyone hates me. Most days, I think they’re right to do so. I can’t trust anyone. Not completely, not fully, no matter how much I love them. I feel very alone.

He stops writing. Reads it over. Feels his lips quirk up into a wry smile. He’s certainly not sending that.

But the smile fades away after a moment. He supposes that he hoped writing it all out would make him feel better, but if anything, he feels more tired. Drained. Wrung out. Blank.

He fishes around for a new, unmarred sheet of paper.

Dear Phil, he writes, All is well here in L’Manberg. The city is thriving, and my people are well. I really do want you to visit sometime—but not yet, of course! We’ve been having a spot of trouble with creeper holes lately, and I don’t want that to be your first impression. Between you and me, it’s just a little bit embarrassing.

It’s been a while since I last wrote. I do apologize for that; I don’t know where the time goes. There’s always so much to be doing, and I’m more and more thankful for this chance every day. It’s a lot of fun, having a country of our own, and we’re all working to make it as good as it can be. You should see Niki’s bakery—you haven’t tasted heaven until you’ve tasted something Niki’s baked, I swear. She’s a goddess, really, an essential pillar of our society. Baked goods make the world go round.

Tommy and Tubbo are well, and getting into just as much trouble as usual. Fundy grows up more and more every day. I’m so proud of them all.

Be careful of undead infants, and tell Technoblade I said hello, if you get the chance.

All love,

Wilbur

He sets down his pen and rereads. He’s satisfied with that, and more importantly, Phil will be as well. Now all that’s left is to let the ink dry and—

“Hey, boss man,” Tubbo says, opening the door to his office without knocking. He startles, violently. “How’re things coming?”

His heart shouldn’t be racing. It’s just Tubbo. But he came in without warning, which is—irritating. It’s irritating. That’s what it is. He feels himself flushing, just slightly, but surely it’s annoyance.

“There’s a lot of ‘things’ you could be referring to,” he says. “Are you going to be a little more specific?”

“Nah,” Tubbo says, meandering further into the room. But it’s not a regular meander, it’s a Tubbo sort of meander, which means that he’s here for a purpose. He just doesn’t want to reveal it just yet, or perhaps he’s figuring out how he wants to approach it. “Just wanted to know about general things. Big, vast things. Deep things.”

“Deep things,” he repeats, nodding. “Not much of that going on at the moment. Not a lot of deep things in paperwork.” He pulls the nearest sheet of paper closer to him; technically, that’s what he ought to be doing, not writing letters to a father that’s worlds away. He scans the words; it looks like something complicated about trade, something that sets his head to pounding already. The words swim, like they’re dancing, like they’re taking glee in the way he can’t comprehend them.

“I thought there were lots of deep things in paperwork,” Tubbo says, and he looks back up. “I thought that’s why the print is always so small.”

“Maybe,” he says.

“It makes sense to me,” Tubbo says. “Wilbur, is your hair really white?”

He freezes. “What?”

“Niki said that your hair is turning white,” Tubbo says. “Like an old man’s.”

Anger flares. He thought—he didn’t like that she found out about it, but he at least thought he could trust her with it. Thought that she would keep it to herself, that she wouldn’t let it spread to others, to others that might take it and try to use it as a knife to his jugular. But here is Tubbo, and Tubbo is so obviously staring at his hair, eyes flicking across his forehead and around his ears, and he won’t see anything. He double-checked when he arrived at the office; all of the white is under his hat. But he doesn’t like that Tubbo is looking, that Tubbo is actively trying to see, that Tubbo is treating him like some kind of curiosity, and that Tubbo surely must have some sort of opinion and that opinion cannot be anything but—

“Niki said that hair can turn grey or white if a person is very stressed,” Tubbo says, casually. “Are you very stressed, Wilbur?”

Oh—oh, fuck. Is that actually a thing that happens?

“I told her, it was a bad dye job,” he mutters, glancing back down at his paper. The words remain incomprehensible, but he’s not focusing on it. He nudges his pen with his finger, latching onto the light clicking sound it makes as it rolls and then comes to rest.

“Yeah?” Tubbo asks doubtfully. “What, were you trying to dye your hair white?”

He grits his teeth. “Was there something you needed, Tubbo?”

“Nothing I needed, really,” Tubbo answers. “I just wanted to see how you’ve been doing. Seems like forever since you came out of this office. Do you live in here now or something?” He keeps talking before Wilbur can reply, which is just as well, since he might as well live here, considering the state of his room. “And I think I’ve got a new design for a TNT cannon. Kind of streamlined, you might say, if you wanted to check it out. But I think you should just come and hang out with me and Tommy sometime. You never really do that anymore.”

He has a few feelings about TNT cannons. He doesn’t think about TNT too often, because when he does, his mind fills with fire and smoke, and his heart starts beating faster, climbing into his throat, and he wants to run, wants to run far and fast and away, wants to sit and shake until his body can’t move anymore, even when he knows very well that nothing around him is exploding, that his country is secure and his friends are safe. But some days, he can’t so much as smell smoke without a memory rising up to overwhelm him.

Once, he found himself zoning out in the middle of a conversation, a nearby campfire taking him far away from himself, and be barely returned in time to cover for his lapse.

He’s not a fan of TNT cannons, and he can’t bring himself to pretend to be, not even for the sake of Tubbo’s enthusiasm. And—

Hanging out with him and Tommy sounds nice. He misses them, he admits, and some part of him misses the old days, the first days and weeks and months on the server, when it was them and a dream and his fingers dancing on the frets of his guitar, his voice strong and steady and hopes high on the wind, words ready at his lips and Tommy a force of chaos at his back and Tubbo clever and quick by his side, and he just—misses it. Misses them. Misses it all, misses the days before so much was riding on his shoulders.

But he hasn’t the time.

“I’m sorry, Tubbo,” he says, and tries on a smile. “I’m a bit busy right now. Take a rain check?”

“Sure,” Tubbo says, and shrugs. “Later, then. You say that a lot, though, do you know that?”

He winces. Tubbo smiles. He means no harm. Probably. He thinks he would know if Tubbo meant him harm.

And then, Tubbo leaves, and the tension leaves him all in a rush, leaving him—exhausted. Exhausted, and near tears, for some reason, but he blinks those back. That can wait. He doesn’t cry in his office. That’s unprofessional; anyone could walk in on him, and then where would he be?

What was he doing before Tubbo came in?

Right. The letter. He glances it over, scoops it up, and tucks it away in an envelope. He’ll chuck it at the next crow he sees.

---

It’s Tommy who barges in next, a day later, though at least this time, he’s somewhat expecting it. Because if Tubbo knows, then Tommy knows. That is simply the way of the world. He has a difficult time imagining anything ever coming between those two, even information that would be better kept to oneself.

“Why the fuck is Tubbo going on about your hair, then?” Tommy says, with no preamble, and despite himself, Wilbur smiles. That’s Tommy, all the subtlety of a charging bull. And the question is just as irritating as it was yesterday when it came from Tubbo, but he’s more prepared for it this time. He looks up from his work—work that he’s actually doing, at the moment, and he feels rather proud of himself for it—and meets Tommy’s gaze squarely.

“I’ve had an unfortunate encounter with some hair dye,” he says. “The hair dye won.”

“What the fuck?” Tommy says, but there’s already a laugh in his eyes. Good. Tommy is fairly easily deflected, he’s learned. Because Tommy looks up to him, he knows, and that means he’ll willfully look away from any evidence suggesting that perhaps he is not worthy of admiration after all.

It makes him sick, the way he’s thinking about it. Makes him feel like he’s using Tommy, somehow, taking advantage of his affection, when really, that’s the last thing he wants to do. Tommy is his little brother, his little brother by choice, by years spent on the road together, by hushed conversations in the dead of night as the stars bear witness, by all the little intricacies they’ve learned about each other as time continues to pass. Tommy is his little brother, which means it’s his job to protect him, as best he can. He’s done a piss-poor job of that lately. Tommy only has one life left now.

So he can’t fail him again. And perhaps it’s selfish of him, but he doesn’t want Tommy to think he’s failed, either. If it ever turns out that Tommy hates him, he thinks it might kill him.

“Can I see?” Tommy asks, and he prepared for this, too, braced for it. With a long-suffering sigh, he sweeps his hat off his head and angles his face forward, letting Tommy take a good look.

“Satisfied?” he asks.

“Holy shit,” Tommy says. “How the fuck did you manage that?”

“Very impressively,” he says, and puts his hat back on. He’s sure to tuck all the white back under it. It’s a practiced motion, by now. “Or perhaps not very impressively, as it were.”

“Well, it looks sick,” Tommy says, and Wilbur glances at him immediately. He doesn’t seem like he’s lying. He seems almost—impressed? But he sees him looking right away, and immediately backtracks. “Sick as in disgusting, obviously. It makes you look old. Like an old, old man.”

Tommy’s joking, of course, is all bluster and smoke, no fire. But something in his chest stings, and he realizes that the words hurt, and more than that, they hurt because it’s an echo of what he tells himself. He doesn’t like to look in the mirror anymore—though he never did to begin with, actually—but he is well aware of what he looks like. The white hair is just one more symbol of his failing faith, his lack of ability to handle the job that he set himself out to take in the first place. He should be able to do this, and yet, he can’t, and the white hair—well.

After what Tubbo said, it can only mean that he’s weak. Physical proof of his incompetence. That’s really the only way to look at it.

“Shut the fuck up, child,” he says. “Why don’t you go and find a juice box to drink?”

“Oh, fuck you,” Tommy says, and the song and dance is familiar. Tommy rolls his eyes at him—the disrespect in this house is unbelievable—but he turns to go, and that means that Wilbur’s won.

What he’s won, he doesn’t know. Some more self-disgust, maybe. That’s what it feels like.

Lying to Niki. Lying to Tubbo. And now, lying to Tommy. What a stunning specimen of humanity he is. Working through them all like he has a checklist.

And then, Tommy stops in the doorway and looks back.

“Wilbur?” he asks. “You really are alright, aren’t you?”

And that gives him pause. Tommy’s not supposed to ask him that question. If anything, he’s the one who’s supposed to be asking Tommy that.

“It’s just that,” Tommy continues, “I don’t see you around so much, these days. Except for when there’s a problem, and you come out to try and solve it with, with your words and shit. Diplomatic shit, innit? You do that, but you don’t just—you never come to just spend time with us anymore, like how it used to be. And I just sort of miss that, you know? So I was thinking that maybe we could try and do that again, sometime soon? Just, hanging out, like the good old days?”

The good old days.

He doesn’t quite have the heart to tell Tommy that the good old days are long over, that they have been long over since the day Sapnap came to arrest them all for starting a drug empire and the forest around them was set ablaze, since the day they declared independence from the Dream SMP, since the day he in all his naivety declared that all they had to do was ignore the conflict and it would pass them by, since the day he was proven so very, very wrong. Since the day he learned that as much as he values his words, his diplomacy, his efforts toward nonviolence, some people only recognize power in iron and steel.

Since the day he watched his men, his comrades, his family die around him, and knew that he led them to that fate. Since the day Tommy traded his life and then his discs for their independence, and he knew that he couldn’t do a thing to help.

The good old days are long gone. The good old days belong to a different version of him, one that was young and hopeful and stupid, one that had no idea what he was getting into. And he likes to think that he’s still hopeful, that he still strives for a better future, but—

He’s learned. Nothing comes easy, here. There will be no more halcyon summers. The days are getting colder, and there will be no more rest.

“Sure,” he says, and this lie tastes far more bitter than all the rest. “I’d like that.” He gestures at his desk. “I’ve been really busy, but I would like to spend time with you. I’ll let you know when I can, alright?”

And Tommy believes him. He sees it in his answering smile, and he hates himself.

“Sounds good, big man,” Tommy says. “See you later then, yeah?”

“See you later,” Wilbur agrees, and then Tommy, too, is gone. He’s alone in his office, with his duties and his thoughts, and neither of them are kind.

Not that he thinks himself deserving of much kindness.

---

He waits two weeks before visiting the bakery again. It’s not completely intentional; he doesn’t have much time to get away anyhow. But part of it certainly is. He doesn’t want to come again so soon, doesn’t want to know how Niki’s going to look at him, doesn’t want her to poke and prod at something that isn’t important, that is a minor, irritating detail. He doesn’t want to discuss it, and he thinks that Niki might try, so he stays away.

But not forever. He can’t bring himself to take so drastic a step, even if his visits are a bit of a distraction. One that, perhaps, he can’t really afford.

So he steps inside and immediately wants to backtrack, because Niki’s not the only one here. Fundy and Jack Manifold are both sat at the counter, and both of them are looking at him now, having swiveled in their seats to watch his entrance. And that means he can’t leave, because if he leaves without saying anything, they’ll ask him why he did that, and he’ll have to make up something to avoid admitting that he’s been a little bit terrified of interacting with people lately. Because absolutely no one can know that.

Because it’s stupid. Pathetic. He’s pathetic, and he’s become quite accustomed to that word. It seems to live in his head now, like it’s made a nest in his brain, a little roost. Pathetic. Everything he does feels pathetic to him, and probably to everyone else around him.

“Oh,” Jack Manifold says. “Hi, Wilbur. Didn’t expect you in.”

Fundy doesn’t say anything. Just blinks at him, tail swishing. He finds that he doesn’t know what to say. But he needs to think of something, some reason for being here, and if he can manage it, some excuse for extricating himself quickly. The silence has gone on just a little too long, and he’s been standing in the doorway for a full five seconds now, and he needs to come in completely because it’s weird, what he’s doing, and they’re going to call him on it.

And then, Niki pops her head between the two of them, leaning far over the counter, resting practically all of her weight on it.

“Wil!” she says, and smiles. “I’m glad you came! I’m making honey bread, and I know you like that.”

And just like that, he relaxes. Not completely, but to ask that of him would be to expect the impossible. It’s enough.

“I do,” he agrees, and steps further in, letting the door close behind him. “Seems I have good timing.”

The tension in the air—imagined or real? He’s not sure—dissipates. Jack grins at him, raising a glass of—probably not alcohol? He doesn’t think Niki keeps alcohol stocked in here, or at least, none other than the cooking variety. Might be milk. And Fundy still doesn’t say anything, but his tail keeps twitching, and his eyes keep darting between him and the empty stool next to him, and he really hopes that’s an invitation, because that’s how he’s going to take it.

He slides onto the seat, letting his coat fall behind him. His hat, he keeps on. He’s not laying his face on the counter today. Not with other people here. He probably wouldn’t have anyway, tempting though it is. He always feels sleepier in here. It’s probably the warmth.

But he won’t fall asleep.

Niki’s gone back over to the ovens, inspecting her bread. He can smell it on the air, fresh and sweet, and his stomach twists. Has he eaten today? He’s not sure that he has. Though he definitely did yesterday—evening. He thinks. Definitely. A couple apple slices shoved in his mouth, swallowed without really tasting them. But it counts.

“What have you two been up to lately?” he asks. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Not too much,” Jack Manifold answers easily. “Mostly been hanging around Tommy and Tubbo. Getting into mischief, you might say. Nothing too serious or anything!” he is quick to add, seemingly remembering exactly who he’s talking to. “Nothing—I mean, nothing illegal, no, sir. Not us. But, you know, it’d probably be best not to share the details.”

He quirks an eyebrow. “Fair enough,” he says. “As long as it’s not something that I’m going to have to clean up later.”

“We’ve already cleaned up,” Jack says.

“Good.” He looks at Fundy, and affection blooms in his chest, sudden, almost overpowering. His boy’s grown up of late. He can barely remember it happening. It seems that only yesterday he came up knee-high, and now, he’s a man in his own right. But still his little champion, always. “How about you? I know we haven’t been fishing yet. I’m sorry—you know that’s the first thing on my list when I finally get a bit of time.”

Fundy glances away. “I know,” he says. “I’ve been fine.”

“I’m glad,” he says, and Niki saves him from having to say anything else—though why he thinks of it as a rescue, he isn’t sure—by walking back over and placing some bread on the counter before them.

“Fresh from the oven,” she says, “so it’s hot. Be careful.”

It smells nothing short of divine. Niki smiles, pleased, as Fundy and Jack reach for a piece right away, and he isn’t far behind them. Though he tries to be a little more neat about it than the other two are being. The way they’re digging in, he’d think that they’re starving. Frankly, he can’t blame them for it, not when it’s Niki’s food on the line, but he still tries to have a bit more decorum.

“Niki,” Jack says, mouth full, “you are an angel among mere mortals.” Fundy doesn’t say anything, but his tail is swishing happily.

Niki rolls her eyes, and takes a bit of bread for herself. “Don’t talk with your mouth full,” she admonishes. “But thank you, Jack.” And then, her gaze drifts to him, and he finds himself stiffening. For no reason. It’s Niki. It’s just Niki. He trusts Niki. She’s basically his best friend, and he’s comfortable here. He is. This is a place of safety, as much as there are such places to be found. Safety, true safety, is not a thing that exists, not really. But here is as close as he can get to it.

Why can’t he let himself unwind?

Is it because Jack and Fundy are here? He hopes not; that wouldn’t be fair to them. They are his countrymen, his citizens, and more than that, Fundy is his son. What would that say about him as a parent, if being around his child makes him nervous? Not just nervous in a I-hope-I-don’t-fuck-up-my-kid way, but in a I-don’t-feel-safe-here way?

But his shoulders are stiff, slightly hunched. He can’t force them down. So he has to hope it’s not too obvious, that the lines of his coat disguise the hard set of his posture, a stance that indicates he thinks there’s a threat, if they know how to read him right. Which they shouldn’t. They shouldn’t.

“How about you, Wil?” Niki asks, and he takes another bite of bread. Small, so as not to get crumbs everywhere, and he swallows before answering.

“It’s as good as always,” he says. “Do I have to say it?” Though it sits heavier in his stomach than usual, but she doesn’t need to know that.

“I’m glad,” she says. “It’s been a little while since the last time I saw you. You are eating properly, right?”

It’s concern, not an accusation, no matter how misplaced. The question shouldn’t raise his hackles. But it does, and all that’s left is to keep it from showing, to keep it from his voice.

“Of course I am,” he says, and before he can get anything else out, Jack laughs.

“Wouldn’t do to have our president starving on us,” he says, and his voice is light, full of laughter, joking. It’s a good thing that Jack feels comfortable enough to joke with him. He’s glad, because—he doesn’t know him all that well, definitely doesn’t trust him, not yet, but Tommy and Tubbo seem to like him, so it’s good that he’s fitting in, that he’s found a place, that he likes it here. Though liking isn’t always enough to stop the betrayal before it comes. He ought to keep a closer eye on him, just in case, but—that wasn’t the point of this.

The point is that, joking or not, Jack is completely right. It wouldn’t do to let his eating habits interfere with his duties. He’s already weak; is he going to add malnutrition on top of that? Never mind that he often doesn’t feel like eating, these days, that he really only has an appetite when he’s here, in the bakery. He needs to keep his strength up so that he can get things done. And he can’t force himself to sleep, so that problem is out of his hands, but he can force himself to eat.

Jack couldn’t have known what he was prodding at, of course, when he made the comment. But he takes another bite of bread anyway. It’s tough to swallow, even though it tastes delicious. He doesn’t know why. He’s never had an issue eating Niki’s food before. He hopes this doesn’t become a pattern.

And he hopes it’s not because there’s other people here. It would be an explanation, at least, but not one he likes. The implications there wouldn’t be—good, to say the least.

“Jack,” Niki says quietly, admonishingly, and he wishes she wouldn’t, because he doesn’t want Jack to examine what he’s just said, to analyze it as anything other than a joke. So he musters a smile, a quirk of an eyebrow, and Jack grins back at him.

Safe territory. Level ground, even footing. Relatively speaking.

And then Fundy pipes up.

“Hey, Wil,” he says, and Wilbur wonders, suddenly, where he picked up the habit of calling him ‘Wil’ or ‘Wilbur’ more often than he calls him ‘dad’. Not that he minds it, but it’s curious. Could it be from him? He himself calls Phil by his name more often than not. Perhaps it’s genetic. But then Fundy continues, “Is your hair actually, like, turning white?” and Wilbur is no longer interested in thinking about little details like that.

He’s tense again. Tense enough now that they can probably see it, even without looking too hard.

“Why is everyone so interested in my hair, lately?” he asks. “It’s just hair. Grows out of everyone’s head. Except for yours, Jack Manifold.”

“Point,” Jack Manifold agrees, but there is a gleam in his eyes, behind his glasses, that says he too is interested in the direction this conversation has taken. Not ideal.

“It’s just that,” Fundy persists, “it’s a little bit weird, right? If it’s turning white like that? Is that normal?”

“It’s not ‘turning white,’” he says, which might be a mistake, because he’s lying through his teeth, now. “It was a bad hair dye incident. Nothing you need to be concerned about.”

Jack laughs. “How’d you manage to fuck up hair dye that badly?” he asks, and the way the question is phrased is irritating; he doesn’t want Jack to start thinking he’s an incompetent fool who can’t dye his own hair properly. But he’ll also take this line of questioning over the other, so perhaps it balances out.

Except then, Niki splays both her hands on the counter. Any earlier levity that she had is now gone.

“Is that so?” she says. “That’s not what you told me.”

His heart is pounding again. He really, really hopes that he’s not developing a condition of some kind. He’d know if he were having a heart attack, wouldn’t he?

“I’m pretty sure that is what I told you,” he says, and Niki shakes her head.

“No, you told me that it wasn’t dye, when I asked,” she says. “And then you said that it was, but you were lying.”

She doesn’t sound angry, which is perhaps the worst thing about all of this. She doesn’t sound angry that he’s lied to her, taken advantage of her trust and fed her a blatant falsehood. Her voice is calm, matter-of-fact, and there’s a glimmer in her eyes that isn’t annoyance or betrayal or any of the other emotions she should be feeling. Instead, it’s concern. That blasted concern again.

He doesn’t deserve it.

“Really?” Jack says. “Huh. Well, what’d you do that for, then?”

He’s changed his mind. The worst thing about all of this is that there are other people present. That he’s not alone with Niki, which would still be an undesirable situation, but manageable. Jack Manifold and Fundy are both here, staring at him, expecting answers that he doesn’t want to give, and Fundy—

Why is his son looking at him like that?

“Why are you all so pressed about my hair?” he demands. “It’s hair. You don’t even see it.”

“I mean,” Fundy says, “like I said, it’s just kind of weird, right? I don’t think hair just turns white for no reason. Not unless you’re really old, which you’re not, I don’t think. So I guess we’re just curious about what the reason is.”

He doesn’t want to talk about this. This isn’t why he came here. This place, this bakery, these people, it’s supposed to be an escape from his responsibilities. The only one he allows himself, even though he knows he shouldn’t. It’s the one place where he doesn’t have to think about his own failings, where he can relax a bit and let himself be, if only for a little while, but here they are, pushing him on this, and he doesn’t want it. Doesn’t want to be reminded of his incompetency. And they don’t know, can’t know exactly what they’re doing to him, but—

He slams his hand against the counter, sudden emotion boiling over. They all jump, the three of them. Niki’s eyes widen, and Fundy’s ears press back against his skull.

“Then don’t be,” he snaps. “Leave it the fuck alone. It’s really none of your business, is it?”

There is a moment of silence. The only sound is the crackling of furnaces.

“I guess not,” Fundy mutters, and he realizes what he’s done.

He’s just snapped, lashed out at his friends, his countrymen, his son, and for what? Because their questions are stressing him out? He should have turned around and left the moment he saw them in here, no matter what they would have thought, because this is worse. This is so much worse than that, and now he feels like an absolute shitstain of a human being. What kind of person gets so fucking upset over questions about his hair?

“I’m sorry,” he says. Too little, too late. “I didn’t mean—” Fundy is looking at him. They all are, and suddenly, he can’t bear it. Not any longer. “I’m sorry. I’ve got a lot of work to do. I really should be going. Thank you for the bread, Niki.”

It’s painfully transparent, and he is very aware of the fact that it’s the exact same way that he rushed out of the bakery when he was last here. Except this time, there are more people here to witness his shame.

History repeats itself, he thinks, bitterly. History repeats itself, and it only gets worse.

But he’s not staying here. He can’t. He just—can’t. Because he feels very upset over such a stupid little thing, and he’s upset that he’s upset, and now he’s upset other people, and he can’t stay here any longer, because if he does, the gods only know what’s going to fly out of his mouth next.

“Wil, please stay,” Niki says, but he’s already standing.

“Be seeing you all,” he says, and the door isn’t far, but it feels like miles, because he can feel their stares burning into his back as he makes his exit.

“Aw, wait, Wilbur, you don’t have to—” Jack starts, but he’s out the door. He’s out the door, and he lets it swing shut behind him, and the words cut off. He doesn’t have to listen to them. So if Fundy says anything, he doesn’t hear it, and he wonders why that makes him feel so much worse. Worse than he does already, which is no mean feat.

His stomach growls. He’s hungry. How many bites of bread did he take? Two? Three? Not enough to be filling. But somehow, he already knows that if he seeks food elsewhere, it will turn to ash in his mouth. And he can’t go back, not after the scene he’s just made, so he’s going to have to be hungry. Which is fine. He’s fine. He’s fine, even though he’s just fucked everything up, and he rather thinks he might not be able to show Niki his face ever again. So, no more bakery. No more safe place, and wow, he is being a dramatic fuck, isn’t he? But he can’t help himself. He never can.

He should have known better from the start. There is no such thing as safety. No exceptions. He should have tried harder to remember that. And he’s not angry, not anymore, not really, because they weren’t aware of the hornets’ nest they were stirring up; rather, he’s angry at himself, for losing control, for letting himself react, for not being able to handle a simple question with the poise and calm that is expected of him as president.

For being weak. That’s what it comes down to. His weakness. Persistent, and now, persistently on display.

He does a lot of screaming into his pillow that night. It doesn’t help. And sleep, it seems, is determined to continue its avoidance, so the night stretches long, and even his tears eventually run dry.

---

The next day, Niki comes to his office.

[nearer-than-the-eye]

xxxHolic Rou as an analogy for chronic illness

rereading Rou and Rei has actually been SUPER interesting bc for a really long time i had....basically labored under the misconception that watanuki stays in the shop SO THAT he can wait for yuuko, when in actuality he stays in the shop AND ALSO waits for yuuko--the two are related but not caused by each other. 

I read xxxholic waaaay before I read tsubasa, and CLAMP’s fucking. stupid ass choices to put yuuko choosing to protect watanuki and not give him to fei wang AND the explanation for why watanuki is confined to the shop and syaoran has to keep traveling EXCULSIVELY IN TSUBASA. instead of. i don’t know. giving us essential xxxholic character/plot information in BOTH series fucked with my understanding of watanuki’s choice to confine himself big time. 

because like. it’s not really a choice! it’s actually a much closer analogy to chronic illness than I had thought--he literally cannot live ‘normally’ in the outside world, he has to confine himself for the sake of the fabric of reality or whatever the fuck. he ALSO chooses to wait for yuuko and take on her mannerisms and become her successor, but he doesn’t choose to confine himself to wait for yuuko. key point.

i think this is an easy mistake to make if you’re just reading xxxholic or aren’t reading it and tsubasa in close succession, HOWEVER. i do think also the doom and gloom of some of my (admittedly) favorite fics about Rou colored my perception a bit too much because it really is SOOOOOOOO fun to have this angst fest where watanuki has made this horrifying decision to literally choose stagnation, never move on from yuuko’s death, and throw his life away and doumeki just has to watch. BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT HAPPENS, RIGHT?  

I think Rou itself is actually quite a nice counterpoint to that doom and gloom reading--once you get past Rou’s admittedly jarring first couple of chapters, it’s clear watanuki enjoys his work and while his relationship with doumeki has matured, it’s not changed that much. watanuki clearly cares deeply for doumeki (allllll those fucking scenes of them eating together exist for a reason lmao) and his resistance to doumeki is, I think, less about being resentful of being cared for and more about being worried about doumeki giving up opportunities in his life to look after watanuki. but when doumeki was 16 he said “fuck this shit I’m in it for the long haul, you are not dying alone” and has chosen to abide by that promise to himself ever since. (thus watanuki’s repeated “you never change, do you?”).

This is not “watanuki is throwing his life away and doumeki has to watch,” but honestly the much more complex “watanuki’s life has taken a very sharp left turn because of his, essentially, chronic illness, but he’s actively working to build a fulfilling and positive life within the confines of his circumstances, and doumeki has actively decided to help him with that, though watanuki’s situation is still painful for him as watanuki’s friend and, essentially, caretaker.” 

NOW, doumeki being like....i’m gonna marry your best friend and we’ll have kids and start a lineage responsible for taking care of you because i’m THAT in love with you....is a whole other kettle of fish, and THAT shit is certainly fucked up. especially for the kids. but that’s another post. 

[bookofmirth]

You're right about spying being a horrible job for Elain because Elain doesn't want to be unseen or stay in the shadows. Currently she's just sidelined while her sisters get to shine. Even Nesta got much attention in Acowar and acofas. Elain wasn't meant to go to the court of nightmares, but she told her sister that she'll go because she wanted to help the court, yet no one payed any attention to her and she looked so damn sick in black. Nesta in acowar went to the high lords meeting and she was at least kind of important there.

I think those people don't look at what makes sense and ignore the characters completely. The pay attention to what was written and it's something like "She hadn't heard her coming into the room" and immediatly think that's spy material. Yes, we do not know much about Elain, but we do know that Elain doesn't want to be unseen and she doesn't like violence, which is part of Azriel's job. For heaven's sake- this girl looks bad in black and spies wear black (most of the time?) to blend in.

I'm also unsure why they bring her powers into this. I don't really see how being a seer is spy material because Azriel or spies in general don't look into the future. Especially when her visions are unclear and she doesn't know how to control them. Yes, Elain can train, but don't forget that seers are rare and no one in the IC knows how to train a seer- they would've trained her a long time ago if they knew.. especially Azriel, since they always talk about how he will train her.

Someone else might be able to help her control it.. you know- the high lord who owns 10000 libraries and whose last name is literally "spell-cleaver". But will we really find out more about Elain's powers? Even if it's Elucien's book? Because Nesta's powers were taken away and we still do not know anything about it. No one even taught her how to control them so why are y'all so sure that we will see a great amount of Elain's powers? This is Sjm, the author who doesn't give one damn about plots, the characters and what actually makes sense. I bet Sarah will make Rhys say "her powers is life" 💀

Elain being a seer is antithetical to being a spy. Why would she need to go out into the field and gather intelligence if she can ascertain information using her powers? That's not even being a spy, that's just using magic.

Assuming that, like you mentioned, Elain ends up 1) being able to control those powers, which I do think is a reasonable assumption, and 2) keeping those powers, since sjm likes to take those away from characters as freely as she gives them.

But will we really find out more about Elain's powers? Even if it's Elucien's book? Because Nesta's powers were taken away and we still do not know anything about it.

The magic system in acotar is absolutely lacking in substance. It has no logic, it reacts to the whims of the plot and the romance, it's never truly explained, it has no limits, it comes out of nowhere (the Dread Trove), and now it's connected to the CC story??? Mor's power is "truth", Nesta's power was "death", you're so fucking right that she'll make Elain's power "life" and then have everyone be like shocked pikachu face, as if that means ANYTHING.

You do bring up an interesting point, which is that no one has tried to get her to train. Feyre wanting Amren to train Nesta on her powers is what led to their argument and estrangement - why has no one asked Elain to train her powers? Is it just because "Elain is Elain"? They actively shut her down when she tried to help in acosf, so... what the fuck?

I'm rereading the Stormlight Archive and honestly it's unfair to compare sjm's worldbuilding and magic systems to that but every time I read a story where those things are well developed, I just think about what we could have had in acotar.

[ruiyuki]

"Vanitas": The Name and Legacy

Vanitas declares early on that his motive for using the Book of Vanitas to save vampires of the Red Moon is to take "revenge against the Vampire of the Blue Moon". But some of his actions, reactions and expressions seem to contradict a conventional interpretation of "revenge". Seeing how MochiJun is a master of conveying things through facial expressions, nondescript panels, and double meanings, here's my stab at trying to figure out a bit of Vanitas' complexity and his (??hidden??) motives.

⚠️⚠️⚠️ MANGA SPOILERS, obv ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Also this analysis is really long. ‼Continuation in reblogs.‼

For the sake of minimizing confusion I'm going to refer to our!Vanitas as "Vani", Vampire of the Blue Moon (VotBM) as "Luna", and the name "Vanitas"/"Vanitas of the Blue Moon" as a title in this analysis.

0. "Revenge" against the VotBM

Now, what kicked me into this train of thought initially was watching the scene where Vani announces his revenge plot to all during the Bal Masque. Ofc Bones is doing quite a good job with the anime (I can honestly forgive them for leaving out some scenes knowing budget constraints and that this was probably produced during COVID; it's just more reason to get viewers to read the manga) but there are still some subtle nuances that MochiJun puts in her work that don't get translated into the adaptation. So I revisited Memoire 7 and something just didn't sit right upon looking at that scene retrospectively – which I'll get to that in a bit – but first let me recap what is my interpretation of Vani's proclamation:

The origin story we were told at the start of the series illustrates that vampires are typically born under the Red Moon, except for the one born under the Blue Moon. VotBM, given the moniker "Vanitas of the Blue Moon" by others at the time, is said to have created the Book of Vanitas capable of manipulating the World Formulas in order to curse all the RM vampires that casted them out of vampire society. Cursing the RM vampires = turning them into curse-bearers inflicted with malnomen.

Vani's "revenge" against the VotBM is to use their name "Vanitas" and the Book to cure all RM vampires of their curses and malnomen. In that sense, Vani saving the vampires is directly opposing the vow to curse all RM vampires as told in the VotBM origin story.

Vani's revenge claim seems pretty straight forward. There is nothing of the sort as to claiming he will turn the vampires into humans, or rewrite their existence into something they are not, etc. It is literally just "I will heal you from your sickness out of spite towards the thing that wants you to suffer". His feral revenge proclamation on top of the chandelier lines up with his feral "I will save you no matter what, using whatever method I choose" at the end of Memoire 1 as Noé points out:

So here's the thing that felt a little out of place upon my rereading of Memoire 7:

This panel. Idk about you but as a long time reader of Pandora Hearts, imo one thing that makes MochiJun such a talented artist and great storyteller of plot twists and angst is how she depicts emotions in facial expressions – it is very subtle with a certain finesse. With the above panel, Vani's expression doesn't necessarily look like "anger" or "vengeance" to me. Rather (and it took me a while to place it actually, flipping back and forth between newer and older chapters) his expression looks... melancholic? Melancholy with sense of conviction.

It's noteworthy that MochiJun has made an intentional choice to emphasize Vani gripping his closed fist and his distant stare here, so it has to be important. So, what could Vani be thinking of in this moment? And why?

I. Vani's hidden expressions and feelings towards Luna

To (attempt to) figure out what might be going through Vani's mind in this moment, let's take a look at some moments we've seen Vani making different expressions and when he's thinking back to the VotBM – or really, his time with Luna. Vani claims he hates vampires, but there are obvious exceptions (Jeanne, Noé). What's interesting though is that, despite claiming to hate the VotBM, I don't think he hates Luna. He may hate the being that Luna is but I don't think he hates Luna as a person.

We can see the difference between his hatred and active desire to kill Moreau, as well as his completely blank, no-remorse kinda expression toward the Chasseur's cross in the Catacombes arc vs the above panel after his revenge proclamation:

Also contrast the above chandelier expression to Vani's empty look of distain in Dante's flashback when they first meet:

I would say none of these Vani expressions look very similar to the chandelier one — the empty or blank stares are missing a sense of resolve and the teeth-gritting smirk lacks any bit of sadness felt in the scene. Now, when do we ever see Vani make another expression of what I would call melancholy?

Ughghgh these panels break my heart every time bc there is such a sense of sadness, it's distant but palpable and it is t r a g i c... but I digress.

We have no way of knowing what Vani is thinking in these panels but I have a few ideas:

Vani thinks back to something Luna said about how one should use the Book of Vanitas when Noé says using the Book's power to cure curse-bearers is "overwhelmingly right". What Luna said? Who knows, but it may be along the same lines of "despite its power" and "doing the right thing".

Vani realizes the reason Misha wants Noé to drink his blood is bc Misha doesn't remember what happened That Day. He repeats "... I see." twice as if he's reaffirming to himself that he's the only one left that remembers what happened. If Misha did remember, there would be another person to share the memory but Misha doesn't and Vani is alone in the world in that sense.

If we are to assume that this is what's going through Vani's mind in these moments, then we have to ask why? Vani thinking back to his time with Misha and Luna elicits this sadness (possibly likely?) bc Vani did truly enjoy his time with them and didn't actually hate Luna. In his own flashbacks of Luna teaching he and Misha about malnomen (first being Malnomen Prèdateur in the Catacombes arc, second of Chloé's Malnomen Millie) and the flashback of "love" during the Gevaudan Arc, we see that Vani may be grumpy or indifferent while being with Luna, but he is still attentively listening and comfortable enough around them for them to hug him:

Ofc, we can't forget that Vani, in his fever and poison-induced delirium, even mumbles to himself ".. didn't actually hate... I didn't... Lou..—" while recovering in the cabin with Jeanne. Given that just before this he asks "Is that what you really want? Truly?" in response to Jeanne saying "This time for sure, I'll kill the beast", perhaps we can even posit that Vani didn't actually hate Luna and didn't actually want to kill them? (I have another theory on what could have happened on That Day but let's get through this one first *wheeze*).

So let's summarize:

Vani claims he will cure RM vampires of their malnomen as revenge toward the VotBM, who is said to have created the Book of Vanitas to curse RM vampires that made them an outcast.

Curing RM vampires of malnomen = revenge since it is directly opposing using the Book to inflict curses

But Vani shows a look of sadness mixed with conviction that contradicts what would be thought of when claiming "revenge", which could possibly be him thinking back to his time with Luna, whom he did not actually hate and possibly did not want to kill but had to anyway.

So here's my theory: the reason why Vani has assumed the name "Vanitas" and is on a quest to cure RM vampires of their malnomen with the Book of Vanitas is to "rewrite" the reputation behind the name Vanitas of the Blue Moon.

... And I will continue explaining this in the reblogs ⤵️⤵️⤵️ bc holy fuck this meta is so long I have reached the image limit per post asjfklgs

[tvckerwash]

[Meta/Analysis] Kamijou Touma, Misaka Mikoto, And Their Forever Unchanging Relationship

I started a reread of Nt a while ago, and I did so for a few reasons. One of those reasons is because I wanted to see if Kamijou Touma and Misaka Mikoto's relationship had actually gone through the so-called "development" kamikoto shippers often claim it has. I'm writing this introduction paragraph after I’ve already written like ¾ of this analysis, so I’m just going to list the things I addressed in the order I addressed them.

That Kamijou and Mikoto’s relationship hasn’t changed in Nt from how it was in Ot.

What Kamijou and Mikoto’s “relationship development” actually is, and why I think their relationship hasn’t developed.

Mikoto’s fundamental misunderstanding of Kamijou.

I will be splitting this post up into 2(?) parts for the sake of my own sanity. This first(?) part covers roughly the first half of Nt, so Nt1-Nt10. (+ one single blurb from Nt13).

And as just a disclaimer before I get into my analysis—I am not making this post to intentionally bash the kamikoto ship or it's shippers. I'm doing this for fun and to open a place of discussion. I will be honest though, I don't necessarily like kamikoto. I’m just not a fan of what I believe their romantic relationship dynamic would look like. So while I feel I’ve stayed unbiased during my analysis, I cannot 100% say a bias isn't there.

So, let's get in to it!

Has Kamijou Touma’s relationship with Misaka Mikoto changed in Nt from what their relationship was like at the end of Ot? Many claim that it has, and that Kamijou and Mikoto have a special and important bond with each other. But—for the first half of Nt at least—that is not true. Their relationship is exactly the same as it has always been, and I believe this lack of change is delebrite on Kamachi’s part. It’s meant to show just how one sided and superficial all of Kamijou’s relationships with others are—An after effect of the Imposter Syndrome he suffers from during Ot, as well as an effect from the general chaos and misfortune present in Kamijou’s daily life. Kamijou simply doesn’t have the time available to form genuine connections with other characters, which is in a way it’s own form of misfortune. But that’s not the sole reason for his superficial relationships. It’s something that’s difficult to notice since a good portion of Kamijou’s interactions with other characters are not entirely from his perspective, but Kamijou doesn’t actually put all that much—if any—effort into any of his relationships. And his relationship with Mikoto is no exception to that.

All of the “relationship development” that Kamijou and Mikoto go through is not actually relationship development between them at all. It’s Mikoto going through her own internal development regarding her feelings about Kamijou, and that internal development is being mistaken for relationship development. I believe this misinterpretation comes about because Mikoto has a much more active role in Nt compared to her role in Ot. And generally speaking when characters show up more, it means they interact with other characters more. And when characters interact more, it brings the characters closer together. Kamijou and Mikoto’s relationship does not follow that rule though, and there is a reason for that.

The status quo.

The status quo is something that Kamachi loves, and is one of the consistent complaints I see in regards to the flaws present in the Toaru series. The big bad shows up, Kamijou gets involved and is ready to be a hero and save the day, he defeats the villain—usually saving a girl in the process—and then he goes back to his life as a normal high school boy that you can find anywhere.

This is where Mikoto, and her forever unchanging relationship with Kamijou comes in. This scene from the end of Nt3 directly states the reason for why Mikoto has such a heavy presence in Nt, as well as why her relationship with Kamijou will never change from what it currently is.

Mikoto did not know the details, but she could make a guess. Someone with that

expression was not headed for the goal. Even if he had hundreds of paths spread out

before him, each and every one only led to failure and the depths of hell.

He was at a crossroads.

She knew that the slightest mistake could greatly change the path that boy headed down.

But…

“(…I am here.)”

Mikoto repressed her heart that threatened to be overwhelmed and headed forward.

She took a single step.

She was clearly headed for that boy.

“(I won’t just watch. I won’t just learn what happened after the fact. I am here. I am in a

place where I can change the reality I see before my eyes!!)”

How had it been for that boy?

That boy had stood before her during that clone incident when she was determined to

head off to her own destruction. What kind of conviction had he held that stood up to

that pressure that seemed to distort even the atmosphere?

She did not care if she was not thinking the same thing he had at that time.

As long as she could bring that boy back, she did not care.

“(I grabbed that idiot’s hand and came this far.)”

She would reach him.

She could reach him.

“(I did that because I wanted this chance to drag him back to where he belongs!!)”

—Nt3, Pg214-215.

“I did that because I wanted this chance to drag him back to where he belongs!!”

That single line of dialogue.

That one line.

That is Misaka Mikoto’s role in Index. Her role is to act as the catalyst for the status quo, she is meant to represent Kamijou Touma’s normal, everyday life as a normal high school boy you can find anywhere. If Kamijou and Mikoto’s relationship were to change from what it is—and probably always will be—it would ruin The Status Quo. Misaka Mikoto is the status quo.

But, it’s also interpretable in a slightly different way when you consider Mikoto’s inferiority complex in regards to being unable to stand on the same stage as Kamijou as she continues to chase after his back. Take this scene from the epilogue of Nt2:

It seemed Mikoto’s only business with him had been the strap.

Kamijou put his cell phone back in his pocket.

The action seemed to be saying that he was cutting their connection now that they had

nothing more to talk about.

“Well, see you around,” Kamijou said.

He turned his back on Mikoto.

He started away from the iron bridge.

He started away from the scientific knowledge arranged by Academy City and into the

other side of that territory.

—Nt2, Pg138.

By turning his back on Misaka Mikoto, it symbolizes that Kamijou Touma has unconsciously turned his back on the status quo. Kamijou is unconsciously turning away from his life as a normal high school boy you can find anywhere.

These two scenes also start into the third point of my bulleted list: I often see people claiming that—after Othinus of course—Mikoto is arguably the character who has the best understanding of Kamijou. But with what I’ve written above in mind, I think it’s actually the opposite. I think that Misaka Mikoto as a character has a fundamental misunderstanding of Kamijou Touma.

I’ve compiled a google doc of every single one of Kamijou and Mikoto’s interactions in the first half of Nt specifically for this analysis, and in doing so I’ve unintentionally found a recurring theme between all of them—In the end, Kamijou always turns his back on Mikoto and chooses to leave her behind. And in turn, Mikoto always ends up chasing after his back. The most obvious example of this is in Nt8 when Kamijou asks Index and Mikoto to lend him their power to save Freyja and her mother, and Mikoto’s response after she is left behind by them while she defeats the dragon Níðhöggr.

“Please. Lend me your power so I can save them both.”

In that instant, Index, the Anglican nun wearing a white habit and carrying a calico cat,

fell silent for a moment. She slowly narrowed her eyes and thought on the meaning of the

words coming from Kamijou Touma’s mouth.

In that instant, Misaka Mikoto, the girl with the nickname Railgun and wearing the blazer

of Tokiwadai Middle School’s winter uniform, stopped moving as if thinking over the

words she had heard.

They did not think it was too much to ask.

They did not find it to be a bother.

They had been waiting for those words for so long.

How long and painful had that wait been? The boy who had naturally spoken those words

did not know how those girls felt. It would have taken hours or even days for them to say

everything they wanted to say, but that did not matter for the moment.

The answer they had to give here was not something so long and unending.

They could take their time with that once this was all over.

They knew what would currently feel best as an answer for that boy who felt cornered and

was seeking help.

“Leave it to me.”

“Leave it to me.

—Nt8, Pg188-189.

Mikoto’s response:

“Honestly!! You make that big announcement about fighting together and then leave me

behind after the very first attack!? …And why are you forcing yourself on the pregnant

woman who was trying to kill you not long ago?”

—Nt8, Pg204.

Kamijou Touma is a selfish person, this is a simple fact. Kamijou takes on the role of being a hero and saves people because he wants to, it is his selfish desire. And he will do whatever is necessary to save someone, and that includes using other people. A good example of this behavior is in Ot1 when Kamijou uses Komoe Sensei to heal index by having her perform a magic ritual. And that is where Mikoto has it all wrong. Mikoto does not understand that Kamijou is a selfish person, and she does not understand that Kamijou asking for help does not mean he is asking her to be by his side. Ironically though, an example of a character who does understand Kamijou’s selfishness is Accelerator in Nt7 when all the Level 5’s gathered to defeat the ‘heroes’ created by the Agitate Halation Project.

Accelerator glanced around and spotted a familiar face.

A spiky-haired boy had jumped behind the pedestal to a piece of art the instant

Accelerator had landed. The boy who had escaped the shockwave was Kamijou Touma.

“Do you know what you need to do?” asked Accelerator.

“Yes.”

“Then go. I’m not the protagonist here.”

Kamijou did not run off somewhere. Instead, he opened a square manhole lid at his feet.

He spoke while starting to climb down a ladder leading underground.

“These ‘heroes’ are being controlled by a project called Agitate Halation. Be careful.”

“Who do you think you’re talking to?”

—Nt7, Pg206.

It’s at this point where I know people will try and bring up Nt10 as a counter to my analysis of Mikoto having a misunderstanding of Kamijou, but Nt10 doesn’t actually prove that Mikoto understands Kamijou at all. It’s Mikoto realizing that Kamijou understands her and her reasoning for doing what she did in her attempt to stop the Level 6 Shift Project and save the Sisters.

“Oh, so you do understand.”

“...?”

“There’s no reason to fall off the cliff while bound by meaningless principles and

ideologies. If you’re reaching for the happiness you alone believe in, it’s fine to choose the

best arguments for the situation. It doesn’t matter if you have to spit on your own words,

as long as it all works out in the end.”

Mikoto looked Kamijou Touma directly in the eye.

“So there’s nothing saying you have to bear the weight of my future or the fate of six billion

people to the point of your own destruction.”

—Nt10, Pg143.

Their battle in Nt10 is also just meant to teach Kamijou the following lesson:

And now he had been taught that humans were not so simple that saving the world and

recreating it into a convenient form was enough to make everyone unconditionally happy.

—Nt10, Pg145.

This interaction in Nt10 ends the same way as all of their other interactions in Nt—with Kamijou turning his back on Mikoto and the status quo she represents.

“Sorry, Misaka. I’ll be going.”

“Because you have to?”

“No.” He wiped the snow off of his back and hips. “Because I want to.”

Hearing that, Mikoto gave a small shrug and showed a different smile from before.

“Then how about you get going?”

“What, you aren’t going to stop me?”

“I can’t. I may have easily beaten you ten minutes ago, but I doubt I could beat you now

no matter what I did.”

He turned his back on Mikoto and walked off into that white world once more.

He did not turn around, but he waved a hand in parting. She watched him leave for a while

but finally let out a white sigh.

There was a simple reason why she had not said she was going with him.

“Now, then.”

She stood up and walked in the opposite direction of him.

She heard a grinding noise. She had used Academy City’s #3 Level 5 ability to hack in

from the outside, but all the Five Overs were gradually breaking free of those electronic

chains.

—Nt10, Pg145-146.

And because I know people will still try and insist that Mikoto does understand Kamijou and that she understands why he was doing what he was in Nt10, I present this blurb of text from Nt13—the next novel Mikoto shows up in, that is concrete proof that she doesn't understand him. (Yes, it's sort of cheating because this post is supposed to only go up to Nt10, but a guy’s gotta prove a point).

She had worked alongside him at Tokyo Bay, exchanged blows with him in the snow of

Denmark, and somehow found herself pushing him onward, but why had that Othinus

person ended up on his side, why had he ended up running away from Mikoto and the

others without telling them anything, and why had he ended up giving Othinus an

emotional embrace on TV? She had never received an explanation for any of that.

—Nt13, Pg9.

Mikoto did as a matter of fact receive an explanation for all of that—She just didn't bother listening to Kamijou as he told her about Version_Omega because she doesn't care to know the reasons for why he does what he does. Misaka Mikoto does not care about understanding Kamijou Touma. All Misaka Mikoto cares about is bringing Kamijou Touma back to his life as a normal high school boy you can find anywhere, and to bring him back into their forever unchanging relationship.

TLDR; Mikoto and Kamijou's relationship hasn't changed at all from Ot, minus the 6 pages of analysis and evidence to back that statement up

[popculturebuffet]

Scottrospective: Scott Pilgrim Gets It Together! or Days of Summer

Hello all you happy scottaholics! Welcome back to those of you who’ve read the rest of this retrospective and welcome to those of you just joining us. This is the Scottrospective, my look at all 6 volumes of Scott Pilgrim, the game and the movie. It’s all the video game refrenes, slice of life story telling and boob punches you can handle!

It’s been three months since I left off with “The Infinite Sadness” , and while I intended to cover this one for Valentine’s Day, my schedule got away from me and with March being full up, this ended taking till April

I”m not too put off by it though as the hiatus between these two reviews is fitting for this one both in story and out. In story there’s a couple month time skip between books, while out.. this book got delayed a few times.  

This is notable to me at least because this was the first volume of the series I bought when it came out. As i’ve brought up before I came into the series via the Free Comic Book Day Issue and the second and third volumes, picking one up later. I still have my original copies despite no longer really needing them thanks to having the color editions in general. Always will provided something dosne’t happen to them. So this was my first instalment that I got to read fresh and got to wait for and be hyped about and i’d saved enough money that I was able to pre-order it. So the experince of waiting and waiting for the book only to keep seeing it slide back is vivid in my mind as is the frustration I felt having the one thing I COULD NOT WAIT FOR, keep going further and further back. 

So with this long wait and the fact I bought this one when it came out, as I would for the next two which didn’t get delayed thank god, this volume naturally means a lot for me. When I wrote Scott Pilgrim fanfiction, this volume’s status quo is what I based it on. It was the coolest to me and the one I loved to reread the most. It has the most contained story, the most character growth at the time, and the best art due to Bryan’s style having finally hit it’s stride. Not that the art for volumes 1-3 is bad mind you, but it’s very clear his style was changing and shaping into what it is now with each one and while it’d change a bit more, this volume is where the style and quality everyone thinks of when they think of this series and the kind you see on various art done from it comes from. 

So as you can tell i’m excited for this one. Before we get started there WERE two shorter comics released between this one both for Free Comic Book day, the first of which, Free Scott Pilgrim, is the reason I got into the series and the second, the Wonderful World of Kim Pine .. was both delightful and sets up Kim moving in with Hollie for this volume. Originally I intended to cover these in this review.. but I realized they wouldn’t of helped the pacing and this review is going to be way longer than my standard as is.

So instead I came up with the compromise. I did review them.. but as bonus reviews on my patreon. For just one buck a month you can read them and help me reach my stretch goals which now include reviews of Lost at Sea, Seconds and SnotGirl, aka Bryan’s OTHER comics. You can find my patreon THROUGH THIS LINK HERE if your intrested in the exclusives or helping me reach my reviews. I also intend to do an exclusive of Monica Beetle, a short comic Bryan did starring Scott’s dad in the 70s at some point so keep your eyes peeled for that, as well as the three strips he did of Style, the comic that gave us the prototypes for Lisa and Kim. 

I will talk about their connections and setups for this volume briefly: FSP sets up the next ex as a ninja, with Roxy having a bunch of posters come to live and pummel our boy, while Wonderful World has Hollie tell Kim she can move in with her. It’s not much, hence why i made these exclusives but they are good stories, so check them out. And with that JOIN ME UNDER THE CUT, as we enter Scott’s world once more as he grapples with the past, employment, and saying the L-Word... which might be Lesbians. I don’t know. Find out bellow!

So we open Two Months after Volume 3 with a beach birthday party! Complete with Kim in a swim suit!

But it’s for Julie who lobs a volley ball at Scott’s head when he and Ramona try to make out. 

I also dont’ know if “Manfiesting out of all the world’s collectives sorrows” counts as a “birth” necessarily but whatever. I love a good beach story. It’s just a fun setitng for swimming, romance and battling a giant crab with the help of the bird what lives in your backpack.

So after the beach our heroes get dinner and Ramona sweetly calls Scott the nicest guy she’s ever dated. He responds with “That’s sad”. Blunt, but entirely accruate. Julie calls it pathetic and tries to counter Ramona RIGHTFULLY saying “who the hell asked you?” something that really should come after EVERYTHING Julie said with “Back off bitch i’ts my birthday”

So later that night Sex Bomb-Omb has a beach sing along, and I can’t help but notice Neil’s hairy legs. 

I mean yes it does make since for a 19 year old to have leg hair, but of all the characters besides Stephen, the ONLY other character we’ve seen it with to give it to, why the character you specifically single out as “Young” it’s just a weird choice I never noticed before. 

But anyways Julie has to whine about it because she’s Julie, she can’t stand other people being happy and complains the song...

One of my faviorite moments of the series. Knives puts a nicer spin on it, she’s here too and not over with Neil because, as we’ll find out later they broke up, but she just asks if Knives should be drinking. She shouldn’t but for fucks sake lady she was just trying to talk. I also do like that despite Julie trying to control Ramona’s love life, you know the thing the VILLIANS are doing, Ramona cannot stand her now.. and honestly probably never did. 

But Julie, SOMEHOW turns out to be right for once as Kim and Knives have disappeared later that night, and Scott elects to go look for them. Also Ramona says she wants to marry kim while drunk after Julie asks if she does. The throuple is strong with these three... serioulsy that’s my one true pairing for all three now. I mean it ballances out their collective flaws, it’s cute and Ramona is just as into her boyfriends ex as she is her actual boyfriend even when she’s not hamered. Why the fuck not?

Scott instead finds the two making out. I will confess I shipped these two when I was younger.. but I don’t. Not because their gay or anything or because I found another ship for them but because the age gap is still just as wide as it was for Scott. The game did not get this memo and made them a couple which is... ehhhhhhhhh. I mean I wouldn’t mind either being bi, but it just brings up the same problems even if their both hammered. I also question why this scene exists. No really outside of one face punchingly dickish comment from Scott later, this never comes up again and it doesn’t effect Kim’s or Knives character any. Why have this? it’s clearly not fanservice, it’s just a thing that happened. And while Scott Pilgrim as a series does have some of those, as does life and that’s fine.. this is a bit too major, i.e. Kim and Knives, two of the main cast, making out, drunkenly or not, to just.. gloss over you know? I feel Kim would feel majorly guilty for this, as she has the most active moral compass of the main group, and Knives would be massively confused but it’s just.. forgotten because I dunno. In a story that’s otherwise pretty stellar this stands out as an utter waste of potential. I’m not saying have them hook up, gay or not it’s still not better than what Scott did, but have them at least talk about it and have both grow or something from it. Sheesh. 

So we cut to.. another day. Maybe the next day I dunno but it’s August. Point is Scott and Wallace are grocery shopping and Wallace notes they can’t get fancy mayo as their barely in budget. I would’ve glossed over this scene... but @panur​ pointed out back around the Infinite Sadness review that this scene reveals something very intrestng: Scott.. is kind of a fincial burdern to Wallace. Before this while Scott mooched off him it wasn’t all that clear that Wallace was struggling. 

But here we notice that outside of some Havarti, it’s just the simplest stuff imaginable: turkey, bread, boxed mac and cheese ramen noodles... it’s nto BAD stuff, I have all of that in my house and it’s good stuff... but it’s not the kind of thing that you need to carefully budget for. Now granted part of this probably is Wallace as he likely spends a LOT on drinks, condoms and two 2 liters of diet soda a day.. but while he really needs to adress his alcohol issues, the rest is fair. He should be allowed to have as much sex and diet coke as he wants it’s his money. Same with the havarti. He earned it if he wants some really delcious cheese with herbs, seriously Havarati is the best, then that’s his bidness. But the rest of the time he’s barely managing to get  a basketfull of cheap food.. because he has to provide for Scott. It’s clearly something Scott dosen’t get and something I can relate to not getting. It took me a while to get how hard it is to budget for a full family, let alone two people on one income like Wallace has to. But Wallace is working on a nice job... but still a call center or something. He can’t pay for everything and the finccial stress is about to give as their landlord wants to meet with them. And as we’re about to learn things were even worse than we thought. 

Our heroes head home where we get a truly iconic conversation when, over margeritas (again proving my point that while Scott certainly isn’t HELPIGN wallace’s finacials, it’s not all on him)

This will be imporant later.. both the Lesbians part and Scott’s struggle saying it. he tried earlier on the beach but couldn’t get it out and Ramona clearly didn’t want to hear it as she kapt sshhhhing him.. playfully of course but still. 

So some time later it’s moving day! Kim is moving into Hollie and Josephs, and Scott, Stephen and Jason are helping. You might be wondeirng who the hell Jason is. He’s Kim’s boyfriend. I do not likes him. Not because he’s kim’s boyfriend, getting upset because a fictional character you fancy is dating is just patently stupid. I’ts like getting upset a celebrity crush is in a relationship: you had no chance anyway why. I wasn’t even bothered as a kid. I don’t really like him.. because he has no real personaliy and no real baring on the plot and I struggle to think why Bryan included him other than for a really annoying plot twist next time, which does not help my liking him knowing what’s coming. 

But while our heroes help our heroine move in, and Scott is suprised Hollie is there despite Kim having told him a minute ago she was moving in with her, something I can relate to sadly, we get something vitally plot important; Stephen passes Joseph’s room.. and notices he has a small recording setup in his room. Stephen quickly begs him to record the band’s album and Joseph agrees if only because he finds Stephen hot. Eh i’ve seen better relationships start on less, fair enough. And yes I said relationship more on that in a bit. 

So after a brief scene of Scott and Ramona having lunch where Scott fails to know her age and when Ramona says he could just ask.. hea sks and she dosen’t tell, not a bad scene character wise just not very plot important and probably should’ve bene swapped in order with the previous scene, we get to the next day. There’s a heat wave so Wallace orders Scott to go to the mall maybe find a job. He emphasises that. 

Instead Scott just sorta bums around thirst but nto having any money.. until an old face shows up. 

For those who forgot like Scott has, it’s Lisa Miller from the Volume 2 flashback, the girl who had a crush on Scott and was close friends with him and Kim. After a tackle hug  and some panic Scott eventually remembers.... if in a curiously unique and self serving way

At the time this was just hilarous. Now it’s very clear foreshadowing for the big twist in Volume 6. The two catch up while Scott is very clearly attracted to her but very clearly dosen’t want to be, with Lisa wondering where kim is, finding about Ramona, etc, before offering Scott lunch as the two catch up and Scott is very conflicted about how he feels. It’s nice visual stuff as he’s blushing, something more clear in the color version and trying to desperatley sort things out. As for why Lisa’s here she’s moving to the states soon, but is staying with her sister for now. 

So after an incdental scene with Wallace we catch up with Knives, who has broken up with Neil. And after some talk about Clash at the Demonhead, Tamra notes Knives apparently put a big x on her shrine of Scott... which baffles Knifves as she sure as hell didn’t do it and is still, sadly, obessed with Scott as ever. Granted Tamra isn’t at all helpful here claiming she did it even when she says she didn’t, is clearly confused and while yes we don’t know who else would care Tams, that just makes it all the more creepy. Stop gaslighting your bestie, she’s already got enoguh issues. She dosen’t need thinking she might have a split personality on top of the stalking, obession over a guy who has no intrest in loving her back, and attempted stabbings. Knives dosesn’t get a ton of focus in this one sadly. She kind of takes a back seat, and while sh’es not GONE from the volumle and someone close to her does impact it, she dosen’t really have any personal progression, negative or positive, like she does in every other volume, a shame since her personal jouney is one of the most intresting of the main cast. 

Anyways that night Scott hangs out with Lisa, having not gotten around to telling Ramona she exists yet and plays a game of find the Kim Pine. She goes to Neil’ and Stephen’s place for practice, but finds no one there and Neil being a dick... get used to that it’s going to get about 80 times worse soon enough. Though we do get this classic panel i’ve gotten some use out of 

He goes to Kim’s place, but she , Hollie and Satan’s Misterss have all left to Sneaky Dee’s, the local mexican place, for something to eat and Stephen is either high or doing.. something with Joseph. 

Yeah i’m not hiding that Stephen turns out to be gay in the final volume or cheating on Bitch and a Half with Joseph. And even if I hate Julie with the power of a frozen sun, I still dont’ think cheating on her is kosher. He could’ve just broken up with her and while part of it was likely confusion, and he could also be bi and not decided which one he wanted to be with, it’s still a dick move.. and later makes him a hypocrite but that’s a rant for next volume. 

So our heroes FINALLY find Kim, along with Hollie and Mouthface. And a nice thing I like is that Kim and Lisa are just.. increidbly close, happily catching up and making plans to hang before Lisa leaves, that despite Lisa having feelings for Scott the two ended up as close and She and Scott did and i’ts sweet to see. it’s also just.. rare to see Kim GENUINELY happy. I mean look at her

It’s not like she HASN’T smiled across the series but normally she’s just so miserable, likely because her best friends are a grumbly asshole who forces them to hang out with a raging typhoon of bitchiness, and an insenitive asshat who she never got closure with. This is the first decent human being whose not Ramona or Hollie, and that last one’s not going to last, in a while. It’s genuinely sweet to just see her.. enjoy the moment for once, honestly engaged with someone. Ramona shows up and finally meets Lisa, who apparently was on Degrassi.. I mean she says candaian show no one ever watched, and I watched that plenty but i’d like to think she was on there for a season or two. I liked Degrassi.. I honeslty miss it and think it could use some form of revivial and think porting it to netflix was a smart decision.. what wasn’t so smart was not having the other seasons leading into it on there. Need to watch more of it. 

So the next day Ramona stumbles into Scott’s dreams and both are annoyed, with Ramona suggesting he get a job. This finally gets him to try. He asks about Wallace’s work but understandably, he dosen’t really want scott there and asks if he even knows. So Scott sets out to ask his other friends for jobs, while Knives shows up saying she’s “totally not stalking him” but someone is following HER, a mysterious spiky haired dude in a black leather jacket, shades and with a sword on his back. Whu-oh. 

He tries Second Cup, with Julie annoyed that Stephen’s recording.. it’s hard to tell if she’s annoyed because she’s a bitch or because Stephen is both gneuinely annoying right now and clearly screwing around behind her back. My take?

But Scott realizes maybe getting a job at his Sister’s place of work who also works with his arch enemy might be stupid and backs out. He next tries Kim’s, but backs out of that too, admitting to kim it’d be stupid and Kim lists off all the reasons (His lack of resume, the fact them working together would be stresful and his ountain of late fees) why that’d be stupid, but in a jovial way. For once i’ts clear that while she’s still taking the piss out of them she isn’t mad at Scott.

In fact she genuinely helps him get a job, taking him to Stephen’s work since hers is dead right now anyway, a vegan place.  While Scott naturally compares things to a job system as he’d start as dishwasher while Stephen taught him prep, Scott agrees to genuinely take this seriously and Stephen’s boss decides “eh why not” when he asks her to employ him. Scott is gainfully employed baby! God I miss that. Seriously i’m not pimping my patreon for shits and giggles. 

But as he celebrates and Kim wishes she could punch his life in the face, they run into some trouble on the way home: Katana man who slices a motherfucking bus in half and chases them, with Scott reluctnat to fight because he has a sword and Scott does not, which is valid. He does escape though using subspace. He and Kim part awkardly and he returns home to Wallace throwing a party with two intresting charcters, a woman and a man of color, one of the few in the entire work, who are never seen again. 

The next night is practice.. or rather recording, and we start to see Neil get edged out, with him unable to come due to exams and clearly not happy about it, and Stephen just kind of ignoring anything he cares about like the dickhead he is. It dosen’t get any better as “recording” ends up just being Scott, Ramona, and Ratfaced Knacker watching bored with Joseph and Stephen work. Eventaully Scott and Ramona decide to get out of there as things are getting tensed between thing one and thing bitch, and leave.. and take Julie with them for some reason. 

So the three have dinner with Lisa, Kim, and Jason before The Mummies Curse thankfully leaves. Jason thought they were friends. 

We also get this exchange. 

I mean.. she is the better option. She his THE option. But before we can get the obvious answer of 

Stephen comes in with Knives. He smuggled her in. This leads to problems when Scott returns from the bathroom to find Queen Bitch throwing a bitch fit about him having brought her and screechs at her when she dares to talk to him “How do you even know my name?” Well Ted Cruz, you see when someone is an actually thoughtful and likes other people, they keep track of things about them and don’t constnatly tear them down or assume their partneer is automatically bonking a 17 year old instead of you know, actually forming something of a friendship and not shutting her out sensing she needs this friend group. Some people are not vacous piles of vitriol who care about nothing but themself and seem to go off at the slightest thing. 

Scott takes Ramona home but finds a drunken barely awake wallace so no sexy times. Not that he could anyway as the next day is the meeting with Peter their landlord. 

Peter reveals they’ll have to clear out by the 27th as their lease was for one year and their paid up.. as in only the first and last month. The two part melacholy knowing this sucks and isn’t a great situation. Then it’s time for Scott to work work, angelica, work work, eliza and peggy. After grueling day, can relate, he runs into  a wisp on teh wend and steels himself for a fight.. okay he bitches about it being too hot but it’s Scott. so it’s expected. He does get a hit in on his mysterious persuer.. and that’s when we meet Roxy.

Via boob punch, something Scott’s not proud of but in his defense, as Roxy keeps complaning about it, he was blindly struggling for a hit and din’t know the next Ex, or any of them, were female.. not that Ramona didn’t suggest it loudly enough by empahsising “exes” but scott’s a bit of a fuckwit. She mentions “everyone allways remmebers you”.. which is kind of ominus and tells me she tried to hook back up with ramona despite her having a boyfriend and she rejected her. Still on good terms though. But this confusing encounter ends with Roxy vowing she’ll get him next time gadget, next time. 

So we get some assorted slice of life scenes with the band, lisa and what have you as Scott tries to get in touch with Ramona but she keeps avoiding him. THat’s not worrysome at all. And Lisa brings up high school while drunk and clearly hits on Scott. He sidesteps it with her drunkness.. but this clearly isn’t over or going to stop being a problem. 

Speaking of problems Wallace makes Scott confront the truth: He either needs to find a new place to live or commit to staying, though Wallace is trying to nudge him toward asking Ramona to move into her place. Scott starts thinking it over, it being very hard especially since, as Stephen points out this was his very first place of his own.. but Stephen also points out these things are temoporary.. right before Scott ducks from katana guy. 

At work Scott wonders who it could be, though it turns out Stephen’s met him before, as he’s brought his family in here. So he’s PROBABLY not one of the exes.. but it leaves the question why he wants to cut Scott in half like Dewey Cox’s brother. But it turns out he’s nto the only enemy Scott’s casually running into as Roxy is there too.. with Ramona. 

The two talk, clearly about Scott and Lisa with Roxy trying to convince her he’s cheating and Ramona rightfully trusting Scott: while he IS attracted to her, he’s been fighting it every step of the way. Scott storms over to find out what’s going on and while Ramona is more distracted by his new job, she eventually realizes Roxy did attack him and he simply dscribed her poorly when he mentioned the incident over the phone. Scott is confused as he dosen’t get it. Is she with one of the exes what? After some hiinting from both parties, and Roxy rightfully mocking him for not getting the obvious... he finallyg ets it in the grandest way possible. 

So Roxy gets ready to fight and Scott can’t because sword, and gets fired in the background as he hides in Ramona’s bag and Ramona prepares to step in. Roxy screams at her for trusting him and defending him when Ramona.. just dosen’t her boyfriend to be bisected by her ex. A fight insues and a damn cool one at that. I honestly wish the movie had taken more from this, but simply didn’t have time leading it to instead be more like the envy fight with a bit of the Winfried Hailey fight from Free Scott Pilgrim. 

Roxy chases her and Ramona rightly points out Scott can’t run forever but takes him into Subspace.. where Roxy heads them off, having “taught you everything you know bitch” leading to a cool fight in the wintery version of subspace. Again why THIS wasn’t used instead I have no real idea. We also find out she’s a half ninja but she eventually leaves afer Ramona presses that button.. but Rammy is actually apologetic about it and Roxy’s “I hope you and your 24 children are happy together comment” is telling. 

Upon this readthrough of the volume.. I realized Roxy is the most layered and intresting of the exes next to Gideon himself. None of them are out and out terrible, but most of them have pretty simple motives: to kill Scott, ???, profit. Or in Todd’s case to kill scott, bang around and be a dick. But Roxy.. genuinely wants Ramona back. She’s the ONLY one who does: Gideon kinda does, but only in the sense that he wants her for his collection. But Roxy geninely still loves her, admitting so during this fight. And it’s not like she has no chance: out of the 7 exes she’s the ONLY one who parted with Ramona on anything resembling good terms. While intrestingly we don’t find out WHY they broke up, Ramona didn’t cheat on her like she did everyone else she was with. The two have coffee and hang out and Ramona geninely dosen’t even consider until Roxy tries to attack Scott that she’d really try killing him and tries her best to talk her out of it. But what holds Roxy back is her anger: She’s so bitter about the fact Ramona is bi or pan, so dedicated to viewing Ramona’s very orintation as a betryal (though Ramona calling it a phase dosen’t help and the movie RIGHTLY has Roxie comment on it and fly into a rage over it), and so driven to make sure the woman she loves dosen’t get hurt again that it blinds her to the fact Ramona dosen’t love her the same way anymore, and that while Scott is objectively a dick, and a cheater, and a greasy buttcrack pooflap, he is not a terrible person. A meh one sure, but he’s got good to him. She’s so biophobic she simply can’t see he’s a harmless moron.. well harmless to Ramona even with the cheating. He’s killed two people at this point and will kill again. Also she apparently has issues with only being a half ninja but this is never adressed. Point is Roxy’s really grown on me and is now probably my faviorite ex.  

Scott and Ramona talk it over on their way to Sneaky Dees and Scott finally asks to move in and gets a yes. His response is downright adorable. 

So at Sneaky Dee’s Young Neil is just a bit absolutely irate with Scott.. which isn’t fair as them not playing things is entirely on the blocky face asshole. Yell at him.. which he does, pointing out that they haven’t played shows in forever, and that the lady who owns Sneaky Dees not only runs shows, in the upstairs space, but has been asking them to play. Kim is rightly curious about this and to both Stephen just keeps saying “We’re recording right now.” And some of you may of wondered why I hate him. Well while he’s not exctly stellar in the first half in the second Stephen becomes goddman insufferable, slowly destroying the band for his affair and not giving one iota of a shit what anyone else wants. He’s a selfish, egomanical cheating prick. And yes I get it their recording an album.. but doing live shows would give them extra practice, MONEY, even if likely not a lot and exposure for said album. I get professoinal bands stop touring for a bit to do an album but you are not a professional band, and said bands still often iron out the album on the road. God you suck.

But while Scott sidesteps this argument he walks into another where Ramona confronts him about lisa about liking her.. and he rightly says if there was anything, which there was not it’s in the past. And while yes he is a cheater, she does not know this yet. This plot honestly would’ve worked better if she learned about the knives thing sooner, but instead she just comes off as paranoid for listening to Roxy about something that isn’t happening. Yes Scott’s been shown to be attracted to her.. but he’s been ashamed of it, fighting it and in denial about it, and is clealry all in with Ramona. Being attracted to someone else on a phsyical level does NOT mean your relationship is doomed. 

Things get worse as he goes home to ruminate.. and instead sees a man’s Penis. And Wallace..is at his second most unsymapthetic, not letting Scott get a shirt or a bus pass or something like a decent human being for no goddamn reason. Usually when Wallace is a dick to Scott, Scott’s earned it and badly needs a slap in the face. Here he’s just being a prick because.. the plot needs him to? I dunno it dosen’t work for me. It’s in character, I just don’t have to like it. 

So with no other options.. Scott ends up at Lisa’s. And so we get the last temptation of Scott. Lisa admits, embarassed that she’s been wearing sexy dresses and what not specifically to attract him, with Scott also mentioning how things are rough, Lisa tries to fight it herself pointing out he’s with ramona.. and when Scott points out they didn’t do anything in the past Lisa points out they should’ve.. and maybe they should now. 

We fade to black as Scott ends up in a dream and finds Roxy, who naturally has the same skill and tries to Freddy Kruger him before he wakes. He finds Lisa but they didn’t do anything: Scott pushed her away and babbled about how much he loved Ramona instead. As i’ve said.... his heart was never with LIsa... and even when he was so close to giving in he couldn’t. It’s a tangible sign of growth: He screwed around on Knives with Ramona, and given how bad things were getting with Ramona, it would be oh so easy to once again ditch a relationship the minute he found something else and oh so understandable. But... he dosen’t. He loves Ramona even if he hasn’t said it, he wants to make this work, and he’s changed. She’s changed him. He’s not quite a good man yet.. bu he’s getting to be good enough. Love turned him from a skeezy dumbass into a far more loveable dumbass. Ramona’s gotten him to stop dating a teenager (even if again he cheated), face his past with envy to finally move on and now get a job. He’s realized just hwo much she means to his life and world and so he goes to tell her. 

Riggghtttt after going to get his job back and works a shift, with steven wanting to punch his life in the balls. Stephen shut the fuck up. Just because Scott is lucky and your stuck dating satan’s scrotum does not mean you get to punch his life int he balls. Kim does, because he’s put her through more shit but not you. 

He goes to second cup to talk to Stacey.. only to end up at the wrong one where Knives also now has a job... and we finally get an answer to who the mystery katana guy is...

Yup turns out wielding giant weapons in vengance runs in the family. As for how he knows about Scott her aunt mentioned her boyfriend, everyone freaked out and obviously while her mom was mentioned as knowing in volume 1, they did not tell her dad whose brain turned into an engine of vengance and defaced the shrine. While part of it is apparnetly racisim for Scott being white the fact is he clearly saw Scott’s photograph. The guy is 5 years older. I get him being protective. Still dosen’t justify cutting off his head. His balls maybe but not his head. 

And then Scott ran, once agian finding a subspace entracne.. and this time we see inside ramona’s head and well...

Yeah.. that’s.. kind of fucked, and Ramona isn’t happy scott saw that, though she backs down once Scott explains..a nd then gets upset over him staying at Lisa’s but before SCott can tell her he loves her it turns out Roxy stayed over. So yeah, Ramona might of cheated, she tells him to alk it off and he runs around in a psycadelic haze of emtoinal confusion. And meets.. someone new...

Scott snaps out of his funk and ignores his doppleganger heading back for Ramona... whose fighting Mr. Chau. Scott left the door to Ramona’s head open and he followed him through Subspace. Scott lures him into the house and away from her only to run into Roxy. This leads to both of his attackers fighting and her wondering if Gideons ent him “Why does no one ever belivie in me?!” 

She soon realize no i’ts just unrelated and calls Scotto ut on hiding behind not having a sword and behind her being a woman, caling it a flimsy excuse. I mean she’s tring to kil lhim. It’s okay to hit an enemy combatant. Scott realizes he has to stop running... and get real with ramona leading to a truly epic, romantic and heartfelt speech and given how far he’s come and just how heartfelt it is it’s a real sign of how deep he feels. Sure we’ve seen genuine chemstiry between the two.. but htis moment is a shit.. from a simple relationship.. into true love. 

I may of only had a few but Relationships are not easy, They take work, they take time, they take patience and theyt ake love.. but if your willing to work with someone, look past some flaws and help them with the rest.. then it’s worth it. And Scott has finally realized it and for the first time in a while is running TOWARDS something difficult, actually working on this relationship and talking with his partner instead of running finding someone else or wallowing. He’s truly grown up. While he still has miles to go.. he’s taken about 50 steps forward with this. And as such given the kind of unvierse we’re in, as Ramona is genuinely touched by it he levels up a glowing sword with a heart shaped hilt coming out of his chest.. and realizing what’s happening he pulls it out....

So Scott faces off with roxy and in an awesomly short battle, their sords clash.. and he bisects her. 

Scott then honestly talks down Mr Chau who leaves after a nod, and Ramona tells Scott she loves him two. The two make out and all is well.

One make out fades into another, as we cut to Scott moving in with Kim and Blockhead’s help. Well kinda they only had one box but they owed him one. He and wallace comiserate over the end of their time as roomies. They’ll always be friend but it’s truly the end of an era. Also Wallace gets off another bit of dickery as he’’s very glad it all worked out for scott...

 Now there’s the Wallace I know and love. Dickish but just the right loveable kind of douchebag with that swagger. 

Back at Knives house she’s apparenlty into somebody though who I have no idea, Mr Chau give sher his blessing and she.. apparenlty doesen’t know chinese. I dunno. As I said her subplot this go round was her weakest overall. 

And so we end with the whole gang gathered to see Lisa off. It’s a REALLY nice shot, and one of the only times Wallace is seen with the Sex Bomb omb side of the group. Oh sure he goes to their shows and what not, but generally their never in the same vincinity so while there’s no interaction I still find this neat. Seriously the whole main cast is there, it’s a really lovely shot

Also Jason and Hollie.. who are getting awfully chummy. Whu Oh. And of course Craphole and Mouth Face are as likeable as ever. 

So we jsut get a genuinely nice sene. Except Stephen and Julie reconciling. Fuck that. Please move on. And as everyone fondly wishes Lisa adeu and wish she stuck arond the res tof the series we end on Scott and Ramona snuggling, Scott asking her her birthday and finding out she’s 24, and they both will be come september. Scott wishes this moment could last. 

They probperly snuggle as the volume ends on a high. 

Final Thoughts:

Yeah.. Gets it Together is, on rexamination, DEFINTELY my faviorite of the 6. Besides personal value i’ts hte best contained story, contaning lots of character development, great character moments, jokes, and EASILY the best art so far, with goregouness and creativty abounding. 

There is a problem here or there: Stephen and Julie’s subplot feels underbaked, and not just because I hates them, and there are several scenes that don’t further plot or character stuff. Ther’es also stuff that could’ve been expanded on.. but given this is still a pretty meaty graphic novel, it’s understandable why it wasn’t.. though it is why I’d love a streaming series since while the movie is excellent, a full series could expand on stuff from the books more Brian simply didn’t have time for. Knives also didn’t get a lot to do. 

But their drowned out by tons of great decisions: Lisa was a wonderful additoin to the cast and I genuinely wish she’d stuck around, adding in some energy, blending well with the Sex Bomb Omb crowd, and having great dynamics with everyone and her arc with Scott is heartbreaking,knowing she can’t have him but wanting him anyway having never gottne proper closure on the man she’s always wanted. She’s a heartbreaking character and its nice to see her end in a decent place and on good terms with Scott, having let him go for both thier sakes. 

And while Lisa is a highlight everyone is on their a game here for the most part apart from knives, girl hitler, and captain dumbass: Scott grows signfigantly but is funny as hell, Wallace has an intresting arc trying to nudge Scott out without being overt about it, scared to really confront him, Kim is in a happy and serene place for once and it shows. The villians are also intresting: While Mr Chau is a tad underbaked, he’s sitll a cool imposing presence. I do think he shoudl’ve had more to do with the plot.. but is still just so freaking cool it papers over that and him just.. disappearing after this like poor Lisa. 

Roxy is far more intresting, having clearly more going on than we see and while I wish we’d got her backstory, she’s easily the most engaging of the exes, being the only one to actively compete with Scott (All her and ramona end up doing is making out a little it turned out), and have bigger stakes than just “The glasses wearing douche asked me to beat up my exes boyfriend and I was like alright. 

All in all Gets it Together is really magical, the series high point, and just damn fun and it was a pleasure to go through

Next Month on Scott Pilgrim: It all falls down as we take a look into what once was my least faviorite Album, vs the unvierse. Two perfect assholes try and murder scott with Robutts, his relationship and band crumble and things get sad so very very sad. 

Next on this blog: More LIlo and Stitch! The Proud Family come to Kauai and get into a fight with our heroes. Also wizard kelly... who if nothing else is now far more tolerable now i’ve had to spend another volume with the wicked bitch of the west. Touche universe touche. See you at the next rainbow.