#where 100 is perfectly functioning and 1 is like way worse than i can put into words

[justpollux]

I think my ADHD is so much more severe than I thought it was

[collisiondiscourse]

on the wonder duo (part 1)

(BNHA Analysis Post Ahead! This isn’t explicitly romantic, but it is an analysis of the relationship between the two most popular characters in BNHA--Katsuki Bakugou and Izuku Midoriya. Split into two posts because I realized that this was gonna be long as HELL)

yall ever think about the fact that the wonder duo is perfectly set up in so that bakugou and deku together are the better version of all might?

bc like. ive been thinking.

everyone knows the win to save and save to win parallel. How they are supposedly two halves of a whole perfect hero (which, previously, was defined as all might)

but ever since bakugou and deku started working as one—growing together to win AND save and continuously reminding each other that they shouldnt try to do things alone, ive realized that its BECAUSE theres two of them that they surpass all might. its not a case of deku and bakugou both being 50% of an ideal hero, but rather i think that they are 100% of what all might SHOULD HAVE BEEN from the very beginning.

as early as the AM v AFO battle in kamino, we see the effects of all mights flawed existence. the fact that he, the greatest and supposedly infallible symbol of peace, was destroyed—society had begun to collapse. there was suddenly no pillar to hold people together and the impacts were so severe that even in the latest chapters of mha it keeps on getting worse. the truth is, all mights biggest mistake was the burden he placed on his own shoulders

with bakugou and deku... its different.

its different for them because down to their attributions, they seem like two halves of a whole person.

i think that the wonder duo are going to surpass all might because of the fact that they work together.

@bakugoukatsuki-rising @svpercraigus @tybee​ @isaustraliaathing​

(batshit crazy and conspiratorial essay under the cut !)

1. Complementary Colors

I’d like to first preface literally everything I say by the fact that I am not an expert analyzer or literary major in any way. I am literally just some random fan on the internet who has wayyy too much time and looks wayyy too deep into things, but here we go!

A common thing we see when we talk about bakugou and deku is the way they are... sort of an inverse of one another.

Down to the design of their features and the way they move, Deku is the obviously softer of the two. There’s an intentional contrast between the two of them, in the way that Deku’s drawn with round shapes and curvy hair and the way Bakugou is literally all spikes and half-mast eyes and rough muscles. Bakugou’s movements too are languid and showy, with the way he leans when he walks and splays his legs and kicks open doors. Katsuki, in a casual sense, is loud and dramatic. 

Deku on the other hand s finicky. He jitters when he walks and he’s often fidgeting and mumbling. Comparatively, the aura he radiates is energetic and frenzied, even self-conscious to a point unlike Bakugou’s calm and confident movements.

the point is, there’s a clear difference in how either of them are designed and what exactly they are supposed to represent. They utterly complement each other down to the way they behave and even their main colors (red-orange and blue-green) being literal complementary colors.

Now, moving to my more ungrounded points, this is quite a bit of a stretch so I’ll try as much as possible to make sense of these with hyperlinked sources because. yeah.

Down to their names, I think Deku and Bakugou both symbolize something deeper. I think that the way Hori expresses characters and what they’re meant to do is something that we have to pay close attention to when we talk about the Wonder Duo’s rise to success.

Izuku Midoriya (緑谷 出久), as some of us may know, does have an interesting meaning when broken up. According to a lovely fan translation of his name, ‘Izuku’--while not an actual name used commonly in real life--means to ‘Come out’ or ‘Long time’. ‘Midoriya’ on the other hand means (Midori) ‘Green’ and (ya) ‘valley’. The translator further pointed out that his first name ‘Izuku’ could be a reference to him being the first legendary hero to come out of the long-running All Might Era. (or, if you’ve been reading @/bakugoukatsuki-rising’s posts, the first significant anime protag in a long while to come out as queer, ppfft)

but that isn’t my focus right now.

We know that Hori LOVES telling stories with names, and more often than not in the BNHA universe, names alone tell us a lot of things about the characters. When referring to Izuku’s last name, Midoriya, it’s important I think to step back and realize that hey, maybe there’s something more to Green Valley than just the fact that his motif is all green.

After searching for a lil on the specifics of green valley, I’ve found out that across many cultures, the colour green and valleys in general tend to represent life. From dream analysts, to Christianity, and even old Taoist teachings, valleys are seen as areas of fertility and escape. They are seen as safe havens and often escapes for people to come to after running away from bad circumstances.

(Sound familiar?)

Deku, in essence represents life and peace. He represents being the “salvation” that the world in BNHA needed. To me, it sounds like Horikoshi is trying to say that he is the long-awaited hero in the sense. The one that people can feel will create a society that feels safe for everyone after years of All Might just saving people from themselves as a band-aid solution.

On the other hand, we have Katsuki Bakugou (爆豪 勝己), who’s name we commonly know means (Katsuki) Winner and (Bakugou) Explosion Master. He is essentially, the champion. The power. His name means success and power and all the things that make up winning.

When putting them side by side, it then becomes increasingly... interesting to me how their names almost perfectly slot into All Might’s save to win and win to save mantra, and how they are both quintessential parts to what made All Might as a hero.

2. Hero Too!

Now, I’m not even gonna really TOUCH much of what happens in canon. If you want me to do a step by step breakdown of their arcs in regards to the plot of manga and anime, feel free to send me a gratuitous ko-fi tip so I can pay for the headache I get after trying to organize my thoughts into word vomit.

What I WILL talk about on the other hand, is the subtle shift both of them slowly have in regards to how they look. Bakugou and Deku, while growing up, seem to have MANY many parallels--but before I elaborate on all of that, I wanna talk about something else.

Detour: Deku’s Red Shoes 

We all know the iconic symbol being Deku’s red shoes. For all his life, save for some outfits like his hero one, we see Deku more often than not wearing his signature red sneakers which have become a running joke in fandom.

But the funny thing is, in Japan, red shoes seem to have an interesting connotation.

In 1922, a popular Japanese nursery rhyme was written, called “Red Shoes”. The interesting part to me about this song was the symbolism that, in my tiny pea-sized brain, I could connect to the story of BNHA.

The story goes that there was a little girl with red shoes named ‘Kimi’. She was from Shizuoka prefecture (which, if you didn’t know, is most likely where Musutafu supposedly is) and was raised by a single mother. When she was young, her mother had to entrust her with a foreigner under the impression that they would give her a better life in America. The stranger is a man named Charles Hewitt (who was described to have blue eyes) and supposedly took her away. 

The singer of the song (supposedly the mother, but some argue it was written from the perspective of a childhood friend) believes that Kimi is happy and living a better life away from them, when the reality of the situation was much worse. The young girl with red shoes in actuality had Tuberculosis, and thus the foreigner whom she was entrusted to had left her to fend for herself and eventually left her to go to America while she died alone and orphaned.

“When I see red shoes, I think of her.”

A very interesting story with very interesting implications indeed.

-

Anyway, moving on to the more... “nuanced” and connected parts of this section, I have every reason to believe that Bakugou and Deku were simply MEANT to be working together down to how they dress. Now, I’d like to discuss their hero costumes.

At the start of their series, using these godawful pics for reference, it’s clear to see that neither of them seem alike in any way--reflecting the dissonance in their relationship at that point in canon.

ough. deku why. (yes we know why its because you love your mom you stupid little bunny <3)

Anyway, we see an immediate gap in how the two of them are. Deku’s first costume is one that reflects how he treated his dream of being a hero. He was still in that childlike idolization phase, the one where his dreams and aspirations were hinged on pure feelings and inspiration from All Might. Katsuki on the other hand was a lot more tactical--professional to an extent. The gap between their respective development with their quirks is something that is clearly felt in every fashion decision they’d made.

(Notice how Deku’s green is a lot brighter and less like the green accents Katsuki has all over his costume.)

As time progressed however... their costumes changed. The colors, the silhouettes, the practical functions, most things.

(Deku’s Gamma Costume and Bakugou’s Winter Costume used respectively)

we begin to notice a few similarities.

As the show goes on and we see more evolutions of their costumes, it almost seems like they begin to look like a matching pair. Deku’s green grows darker and almost teal in nature, while Bakugou’s orange is veering towards red territory. This is important to note because red-orange and blue-green as I said earlier were complementary colors as compared to simply orange and green. The minute shift is something I really wasn’t quite sure was intentional, but something I find interesting to pick up nonetheless as the colors they used to accent their costumes begin to match up.

Secondly, I think and important thing to note is silhouettes. The way that both Bakugou and Deku’s costumes are designed follow a lot of parallels that typically we don’t see with the rest of 1-A. For one, they both have a combination of tight long-sleeved tops with a bulkier set of bottoms. They also share the use of utility belts and metal pieces typically worn around their necks. Deku has his bunny-eared hood that mimics All Might’s hair, while Bakugou has his orange and black explosion ear-pieces that mimic his own quirk.

i don’t think any other people in class 1-A match each other as subtly yet strongly as these two. Uraraka and Deku and Bakugou and Kirishima do come close however.

“But Codi, you fucking knob!” I hear you plea. “This is such a reach and tells us practically NOTHING!” And yes, I’m inclined to agree with you! You’d be sort of right in the idea that this is a reach. Maybe I am looking too much into this, and maybe it really isn’t that deep--but I do think that them subconsciously matching outfits means something quite brilliant.

In the way that their costumes are designed, each aspect of either outfits have a very logical explanation. The changes were strategic and made with their fighting styles vividly in mind, so what that tells me is that BECAUSE these costumes are so complementary or similar in nature (Bakugou’s reinforcing his arms while Deku reinforces his legs), these two are implicitly showing the audience that their combat styles are complementary as well. 

The evolution of their design choices and similarities tell us that even unknowingly, their minds line up in strategy on the battlefield--a clear exhibit for why they would be INCREDIBLY POWERFUL as a Hero Duo to begin with.

When I look at their hero costumes side by side, I see a mirror. I see the way that these two are reflections of each other and are strong where the other isn’t. The point I see in BNHA repeatedly is that EVERYONE HAS A WEAKNESS. Nothing is infallible, regardless of how hard you train or how powerful your quirk is. Everyone will always have a weakness, but the significant difference I see when fandom discusses the future of Pro-Hero Society is that the new generation is finally raising itself to be RELIANT on each other. 

Observing their fighting styles and the simple use of their quirks, its obvious that they are indeed two parts of a whole hero. Bakugou, who’s quirk emphasized his arms and hands and the power that comes from it, while Deku who’s quirk now emphasizes his legs and lower body and the way he’s always running to save people.

IN CONCLUSION:

As they become heroes, it is easy to assume that if nothing else, Bakugou and Deku will cover each other’s weak spots (especially when you consider the way Deku probably won’t be able to keep using his arms with the way both the anime and manga are going...) (also chapter 285, anyone?)

-

Part Two: Interactions, OfA

kofi || commission details

[flickeringart]

The Megxit Drama

A peek at Meghan Markle’s chart

The British Royal Family has certainly been the subject of dramatic events recently – Prince Harry and Meghan Markle doing an interview with Oprah in order to explain their break with “family”, royal duties and royal life – revealing quite unsavory things sufficient to depict the firm, staff and members of the family in a bad light. Essentially, Meghan was retelling her traumatic experiences of being treated unfairly, feeling trapped, being subjected to racism, getting no help in times of emotional crisis and robbed of freedom, while her husband Harry passively went along confirming all of it. Whatever the truth is, they certainly painted themselves as victims – compassionate and good-natured. They attempted to remain respectful to the people involved in the story, yet if actions speak louder than words, they certainly weren’t particularly “respectful” by throwing the Royal Family under the bus with this interview. The couple has gotten a lot of backlash as people are disinclined to buy their narrative, partly because both seem to be quite self-serving under the guise of selflessness. Meghan made it clear during the interview that she didn’t know much about life as royalty and went into it all surprisingly clueless, almost setting herself up for disappointment. One could assume that by committing to such a structured existence as becoming a royal, that one would do the homework and at the very least expect to give up the privilege of being “an ordinary person” in favor of being of service. The British Monarchy obviously has symbolic value more than anything else, which is not to say that it’s unimportant or trivial. Symbols carry meaning and the Royal Family upholds that meaning through attempting to embody it physically. The members are not supposed to be inflated and begin to believe that they in and of themselves are princes and princesses or whatever titles they are given. They are supposed to serve the titles rather than the titles serving them.  In becoming a part of this symbol of divine reign, one merges with something far greater than the limited self. One serves to uphold an image that is immortal, ancient and has a function in the psyche of the British people. I dare assume that Meghan didn’t fully grasp this concept and went into it all with far more attitude than people would like – perhaps understandably so considering her lack of experience of monarchy. Prince Harry seemingly got pulled along with it all, presumably wanting to rescue his wife from that which killed his mother while piggybacking on the momentum of the situation and metaphorically breaking free from the “limiting container” of the institution. Harry said in the interview that he felt sorry for his father and his brother being trapped by their roles, which seems like a desperate attempt to try to gain some significance, to end up in the role of the hero and avoid living in the “shadow” of more prominent members of the family. People generally seek significance in some way and will come up with the most creative attempts to cast themselves in the role of superiority, whether it’s through victimhood, humility, bravery, sacrifice or anything else that elevates the self in some way. Whether someone’s behavior stems from an attempt to make up for the lack within or not can be hard to spot, but considering the skepticism the interview has been met with – and the scrutiny (and ridicule) that it has been exposed to – it is safe to say that people’s gut feeling tells them that something is not quite right.

(The chart of Meghan Markle on astrotheme.com)

Meghan Markle has been accused of a lot of things, of twisting the truth, of exaggerating in order to further her own agenda, of being self-serving and manipulative. Some call her “narcissistic” – which is the “usual” label thrown at anyone who lacks genuine care for others, stirs up drama and drags other people through the mud in order to benefit themselves. However, her behavior might not be intentional, but compulsive. After all, no one is 100% sure of why they’re the way they are, whether it’s deemed good or bad by society at large. Where the line is drawn between intentional and unintentional is unclear, yet the odors of shady business and dishonorable motives can be sensed – and people don’t usually like being “sold” something that isn’t what it seems. Generally people don’t appreciate being deceived, which is obviously why the backlash has been so extreme.

She has quite a charming and radiating outer appearance, which is typical of someone with their Sun in the 1st, and in its domicile at that. She also has the sweet and innocent “puppy eyed” look of a Cancer Rising, which displays emotion and vulnerability. It’s not surprising that she pursued an acting career before meeting Harry. The spotlight-seeking Leo Sun in the 1st house of self, the Moon-Saturn-Jupiter stellium in the artistic sign of Libra in the 3rd house of communication and (inter)action, as well as the boundless imaginative Neptune in the 5th house of creativity all contribute to the personality of the actress. Considering that she has an emphasis on Leo and Libra, it’s safe to say that she was in it for the refinement, admiration and class that being an actress could provide. She thrives on positive attention, and is undoubtedly sensitive to discord. With a Cancer Rising and a Libra Moon, she craves gentility and fairness, for everything to be “ok” socially. Cancer is a cardinal sign, and although it’s quite emotional, it’s also very active and motivated to create safety for the self. It does this by avoiding direct confrontation, of appealing to people’s caring side. There’s nothing wrong with this, but people might feel as if the Cancer Rising person’s innocence is “put on”. In the interview, Meghan had no problem displaying her own weakness and emphasizing her own vulnerability. She used these attributes to gain esteem, whereas another person of a different nature, with different archetypes protruding, would’ve felt humiliated leading life with that energy. Her Moon is her chart ruler, which makes her emotions the primary focus – in other words her subjective experiences, mutual care, needs and requirements is particularly emphasized in her life. The Moon is in Libra, the cardinal air sign that strives for balance and justice and awareness - especially as it relates to interpersonal relationships. Libra is famous for wanting to keep everything “civilized” and “respectful”. The tight Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in this sign points to emotional exaggeration (Jupiter) and restriction (Saturn). By entering into a relationship/business deal (Libra) she experienced harshness around her emotions (Moon-Saturn) on a grand scale (Jupiter). On a side note, Capricorn rules the 7th house, indicating that she encounters discipline and structure through partnership. The institution and structure (Saturn) that she entered into through her marriage with Harry (Capricorn in the 7th) would challenge her emotions (Moon) and it put limits on her freedom (Jupiter-Saturn) and affected her overall health (Sagittarius in the 6th).

Meghan has an Aries Midheaven, indicating that her career involves breaking new territory, doing her own thing, leading her own way. This usually doesn’t go over very well when attempting to work for authority. The person usually becomes frustrated and eager to venture out on his or her own. This is exactly what has happened. Her Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction in Libra opposes her MC in Aries, which perfectly points to her attempts to keep things civil and non-aggressive (Libra), while coming off as selfish and individualistic to the public (Aries). Aries as a sign is famous for not listening to anyone and moving into unpaved territory, which she certainly has accomplished. The public now sees her as someone who goes her own way – doing her own thing and standing up for herself, for better or for worse. Her Mars is in Cancer, which is why her aggression isn’t direct and rather passively expressed. She has the stereotypical female aggressiveness that implies playing on one’s weakness and hurt in order to wear down the target. It’s also in the 12th house, which hints to it being disowned by the conscious personality. Meghan might have a hard time conceptualizing of herself as a force of impact and might not see how her pent up frustration might become an enemy to herself. She has complained about feeling attacked by the media and this is classic of a 12th house Mars attributing aggressiveness to anything but the self. Attack and unpleasantness seem to flood the person from the unspecified sources, and it can arguable be a horrific experience. In the interview she mentioned feeling suicidal at one point and desperate to not be alone with the threat coming from the outside, her own mind, or both. It’s difficult to attribute the cause to any single factor with planets in the 12th. Mars squares her MC and her Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction which indicates struggle in the psyche concerning her emotional involvement with structure and beliefs, vs. her public image vs. her own fighting spirit. She certainly has confronted and challenged established structure (Mars square Saturn), albeit with an attempt to be “respectful” resulting in a passive-aggressive understanding of everyone’s difficulties and struggles.

The thing that drew her to The Royal Family in the first place must’ve been her Libran urge for class, style, aestheticism and beauty. She undoubtedly found it glamorous and exciting to get to be in the spotlight, to be respected as part of something elevated and glamorous in nature. She probably has a need for spiritual meaning, indicated by her Moon-Jupiter contact – and to have her daily work based on sharing “truth” and “generous” disposal of knowledge gained through experience (Sagittarius in the 6th). She also craves structure and order indicated by her Moon-Saturn contact, which she pursued through partnership (Capricorn in the 7th) with a member of a family with unparalleled saturnian streaks of tradition, custom and regulations. To establish herself within the family would not have been such a terrible idea for her because it could’ve met all of her needs for purpose and order. However, her Mars in the 12th house didn’t allow for this plan to work. One could say that her own self-serving function rebelled after having yielded to outside influences for too long. Planets in the 12th house are usually “given up” to whatever circumstance one is in – which often results in the person acting through being “overcome” by something - pushed into a position of having to act. Meghan declared feeling imposed on by the outside, emotionally unsafe and unwell. The 12th house is the house of self-undoing after all, and her actions might’ve proven to be quite detrimental - perhaps continuing to be. Square aspects, as that between her Mars and Moon-Saturn-Jupiter conjunction stimulates action because it’s indicative of friction. She had to fight (Mars) for her needs (Moon), control and integrity (Saturn) and for her beliefs (Jupiter).

[1010ll]

do you have any new recipes that you've learned recently? i remember you wrote something a while ago about carbonara and i tried it out for myself it was really fun!!

i love this 😭 im gonna write way too much idec! something that has changed since that post: my kitchen is worse. i have a horrible combi oven which has resulted in me accidentally eating raw chicken, because it had been in there for more than 2 hours at supposedly 230 °C and i was really hungry and thought it HAD to be done by then. also i have less time and less money lol. it has made me a bit sad, and less motivated to cook nice things but i also love food! which means these tips/recipes are gonna reflect that and might seem a bit dull but probably also relatable for a lot of people.   i’ve definitely made spaghetti carbonara a bit too much because it’s simple and require few ingredients! will still vouch for that one tip about substituting the bacon with roasted veggies and other types of meat.

last week i made risotto for the very first time, i think? which means i might be assuming a bit too much, but i think it’s a great dish that you can almost make with whatever you have in your fridge. i made it with roasted beetroot(needs A LOT of time to soften, lesson learned), carrots and parsley root or parsnip(idk the difference), dried rosemary and thyme, garlic and onion. i had some leftover sushi rice, which is great for risotto apparently(love versatile ingredients), roasted them in some oil and then added white wine and chicken stock and actually added a leftover parmesan rind i had in the fridge to give the ‘stock’ some flavour, a bit of nutmeg and then in the end some shredded gouda lol… it was surprisingly delicious and i didn’t even really care to cook the rice perfectly. it also tasted delicious 3 days later, which was a nice surprise. i bet there are tons of risotto recipes online, but as long as you have rice, some kind of flavoured water, i guess you could kind of add whatever you want of veggies and top with whatever herb you have around.

another type of porridge i consume a lot these days is hot oat porridge, which i’ve eaten since i was little and it was the first ‘dish’ i learnt to make myself and it’s cheap. some people really dislike the consistency and look but i don’t. it’s also very easy to customise. i put in whatever nuts and seeds(which are often cheaper than nuts) i have around: flaxseed, sesame seeds, pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, chopped almonds and sometimes a dollop of peanut butter. i let them simmer along with the oats. i like adding those elements because it gives it some texture and it keeps me more full throughout the day. it’s very important to me because i hate spending money i don’t have on fast-food when i’m not home and i hate being hungry. dried raisins, cranberries for a bit of sweetness and if i’m treating myself i’ll add some fresh apples cut into small pieces or some homemade berry compote(i use frozen) or brown sugar. if i had more money i’d use maple syrup but i don’t at the moment. i also add a bit of cinnamon and cardamom, dried ginger etc, whatever you feel like. some people also add milk afterwards but i’d rather spend my milk on my coffee.

a small tip: making chili flake / garlic oil. it’s really delicious, you could put it straight on pasta with some parmesan and pepper and it would be a filling meal. either chop the garlic really fine, grate it, microplane it, smash it to pieces. heat some olive oil until it’s quite hot, then remove from heat and add the chili flakes and garlic. if the oil isn’t hot enough you can just put the pan or pot back on the heat but be careful you don’t burn the chili flakes or garlic, as it will make it bitter. the longer it will toast, the less pronounced the raw garlic flavour will be, so when it smells toasted enough for your taste, take it off. i store it in a tiny glass jar and add it in stews, sauces, toasts, pizza, sandwiches etc. the flavour is very strong imo and everything it touches will smell like it. something to drink: i like strong foods and i like sour foods, which is why i like lemon/ginger based drinks. to make it even more winter friendly and easy to make, i like to grate unpeeled ginger(i hate slices of ginger, they do nothing for me and seems like a waste of ginger), lemon zest, lemon juice and mix it or blend it with some water/apple juice and honey and strain it afterwards. if you have a really nice blender you can just add all of it together with some ice. i’m basically making a large amount of ginger shot mixture. then when i feel like it, i can take some of the mixture and either drink it as it is, add more apple juice if i need a refreshing beverage or add hot water and more honey for when im cold. you could also add turmeric, chili, use less sweetener and other sorts of healthy stuff but i honestly do it for the taste so i don’t care about that that much.

something sweet: i posted earlier about cakes and someone mentioned swedish kladdkaka, which is a super delicious, cheap, brownie-like chocolate cake that is easily customized and hard to fuck up which is why i’ve made it since i was very young and is a go-to and i didn’t even know it was a swedish thing. if you like airy, light cakes this is not for your. this is sticky, sweet and almost like confection. you can add nuts, swirls of peanutbutter, tahini, actual pieces of chocolate, replace the white sugar with brown sugar, the butter with oil(you can be fancy and use a bit of olive oil) or use a mixture, brown the butter, you name it. the recipe i use is this: melt 100 g butter and let cool. mix 2 eggs + 3 dl sugar in a bowl until fluffy in one bowl. mix 1.5 dl flour, 4 tbs cocoa, 1 pinch of salt in another. mix the dry with the wet mixture and add the cooled, melted butter. this is the point where you’d add chopped nuts, chocolate etc. pour the batter into a cake tin lined with parchment (i use one that is 16 cm in diameters i think). bake the cake for around 30 mins at 150°C - 175°C degrees. check on the cake using a cake tester or a a knife. if the knife is clean after … stabbing it, it’s done! the cake will change it’s texture after cooling. this is a cheap cake, and if you like cake dough you might want to give it less time in the oven for a more fudgey texture. make it your own! there are no rules. last time i made this, i left it in for too long in my opinion but it was still delicious. also i literally have a shit oven with a round oven rack that goes in circles no matter what due to the microwave function, and the only ‘mixing’ equipment i have is a whisk and a spatula. no need for kitchen aids or  even electrical hand mixers.

something else i’ve been eating a lot for lunch is simple open faced sandwiches, and something that can really elevate those is: making your own mayonnaise(and toasting the bread). it can be challenging, but it’s really worth it imo and i can’t remember the last time i bought it in a store. i have a small plastic bowl, whisk and 1 egg yolk. something i can really recommend is buying pour snouts for bottles. i transfer my oils from their plastic bottles to smaller, old soda bottles because im cheesy like that and it’s really handy especially when making mayo. constantly whisking the egg yolk by hand and then adding the NEUTRAL oil ever so slowly. don’t be fancy and use cold pressed stuff or extra virgin olive oil because it will taste weird. i only ever fail when i try to use immersion blenders for some weird reason but i find it rewarding to do by hand anyways and i think it might be easier to make smaller portions that way. mayo needs acid and you can get it by adding regular vinegar, apple cider vinegar, balsamic vinegar, lemon juice, lime juice, pickle juice, citric acid dissolved in water etc. it’s really easy to customise! when im making banh mi, i add some sesame oil, soy sauce for saltiness and use lime as the acidic element. for more regular use i add a bit of mustard(also helps with the emulsion), for fries, i like adding some fresh garlic. something as simple as mayo, tomatoes, flaky salt and pepper topped with chives is really nice. i also really like using slices of boiled potatoes or boiled eggs(idk if that’s only a thing where i’m from), mayo and the chili garlic oil. it’s also great for making tuna salad. yesterday i made a really simple sandwich with a very simple tuna salad(tuna, mayo, yoghurt, lemon and pepper), arugula, basil, the garlic/chili oil, cream cheese, pickled jalapeños and onions, green peber, cucumber and tomatoes. you could leave out everything but the tuna salad and it would still be a great little meal.

another nice condiment that beats the supermarket stuff by far is homemade ‘pesto’. when i buy parsley from my local grocery store, it’s a gigantic amount that i in no way can consume in a week. first of all when buying fresh herbs i really recommend washing them, wrapping them in a damp towel and keeping them in a closed container. it will prolong their lifetime from lasting a day to a week(change the towel if it seems too wet). i once had some cilantro in my fridge for several weeks and still be fresh. anyways, when i buy that much parsley, i like to remove the tougher parts of the stem(which i use in stews/sauces! chop it up and sautee it along with garlic and onion), add literally just olive oil, water, pepper, garlic, and a bit of acid and then blend away! it keeps for a long time in the fridge and is also delicious beneath tomatoes/potatoes/cheese on open-faced sandwiches. if you want to be fancy you can of course add some type of hard cheese, nuts, seeds, dried tomatoes, whatever.

i know this is the longest text post ever, but as a last reminder, i really recommend watching pasta grannies on youtube. really simple recipes with focus on few, good ingredients that just takes some time and love.

[hexalene]

how to truly annihilate data from your flash/external drives for both windows and mac from someone who also glazes over and zones out of those jargon-laden tech bro tutorials trying to maximize your desperation for ad revenue by breaking every single step into a separate article with more jargon and more links and more jargon and more li-

So there you are, hand CLENCHED around your brand new 32GB flash drive from the discount bin left over from the back to school blitz at Walmart. 32GB of POSSIBILITY.

Unfortunately, after a few months or years of packing the damn thing with weird shit, like, idk, furry porn and weird candid shots of Gritty, idk I’m not here to judge your life, you clear out the damn thing, empty....but not.

Those 32GB of possibility now struggle to accommodate a PITIFUL 800MB of deep investigative research into the origins of the Florida Skunk Ape. What has happened? How could your memory have been eaten away like this?

So it turns out your flash drive will hold on to as much of the data you put onto it even AFTER you’ve dragged the files to the recycle bin or the trash. 

This sort of news can be a blessing or a curse. For the blessed, yes! If you’ve deleted something by accident, YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO GET IT BACK. But that’s not this tutorial. 

If You Gargle Cock For The Google PC Master Race:

>Plug in the flashdrive >Go to “Start” >Go to “This PC” >Go to “Devices and Drives” >Right click your flash drive >Click “Format” >Careful now boys, it can get scary here: >Okay, so now you’ve got some spicy options. >In “Capacity” This should show approximately whatever the drive’s original capacity was, maybe a little less. Leave this alone. >We’ll come back to “File System“ ignore for now >Skip to “Allocation Unit Size” and make sure it’s on the default setting, whatever that is. >For “Volume Label” this is just the name of your drive. Call it whatever you want. It’s the thing you can rename whenever, so it literally doesn’t matter. >Now all that’s left is “File System” and “Quick Format”

File System For Basic Bitches:

>All memes aside, you can end up with a few or a lot of options. I’m sure there’s a proper answer for this, but the options you MOST LIKELY need to worry about are “NTFS” and “ExFAT”. If you’re needing more than that, that’s way out of my paygrade. > “NTFS” is your default, 100% safe for windows option. Can’t go wrong, especially if this drive has only ever been used with Windows. >HOWEVER: >If you need to switch between Windows and Mac for whatever reason, you’ll want to pick “ExFAT” >”ExFAT” is the option for compatibility across both systems.

Format Options Making Your Files Unrecoverable Even With The Patriot Act:

>I’m being funny, but this IS actually, kinda, for real, what you’re dealing with, so READ CAREFULLY. >The default is for “Quick Format” to be UNchecked >UNchecked will unleash holy nuclear hellfire upon your drive, burning away your sins and leaving only a pure, newborn flash drive behind. >THIS CAN TAKE LONGER THAN YOU THINK IT SHOULD. If you need this drive quickly, DO NOT CHOOSE THIS OPTION. >This will annihilate all the data on the drive. The data will be UNRECOVERABLE. >Now, memes about the CIA and weird furry shit aside, you may want to be cautious about using this. If this flash drive has ever stored anything important, like family photos or important paperwork, or anything you’d be turbo fucked to lose, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE BACKUPS.

>If you’re uncertain about going full nuclear hellfire, CHECK the “Quick Format” option. >This is faster, and leaves the data somewhat recoverable on your drive. How much or how little? No idea. That Basic Bitch comment up in file systems also applies to me.

>WITH THAT NONSENSE DECIDED: >Click “Start” and then “Yes” >Now you’re cookin’ with peanut oil. Fresh, beautiful, full of data and ready to ride.

If You’re a Slut For Steve Jobs’ Forbidden Fruit:

>Plug that drive in >Go to “Applications“ >Go to “Utilities” >Go to “Disk Utility” >In the column on the left, you should see your main drive, and under “External” should be whatever you call your flashdrive. >Click it to enter the SpiceZone >Now here we have a few interesting things to note >The main section breaks down all of the info about your drive, and actually lets you see the Invisible Memory Eater haunting your device. You’ll see what data is under “Used“ versus the drive’s actual capacity. That used shit is what we’ll be clearing out. >On the top of the window, you’ll see five options: >First Aid (worth talking about, so we will) >Partition (abandon all hope ye who click thee) >Erase (THE GOOD SHIT WE CARE ABOUT) >Restore (out of my paygrade) >Unmount (fancy eject key this is fine we just don’t need it now)

File Systems For Basic Bitches: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO

>Click “Erase” >”Name” is whatever your drive is called. Call it whatever you want, it can change any time, no harm no foul. >”Format” is where it gets spicy > “Mac OS Extended (Journaled)” is your default, 100% safe option. Can’t go wrong, especially if this drive has only ever been used with Apple computers. >HOWEVER: >If you need to switch between Windows and Mac for whatever reason, you’ll want to pick “ExFAT” >”ExFAT” is the option for compatibility across both systems

Format Options So Tight It Meets The US Department Of Defense (DOD) 5220-22 M Standard For Fucking Over The CIA

>It sounds funny, but the title is literally an option you can pick, I’m not kidding >First off is “First Aid” >TECHNICALLY, this is not an erasure function. This is a basic system diagnostic tool that can be used on your main hard drive to find any errors or corrupted files. It can do the same for a flash drive, which in my experience often results in freeing up some of that precious precious data without the commitment of a full wipe. If you’re nervous about nuking the drive, this is a safe place to start. >If all you want is a quick and easy wipe of the drive, ignore “Security Options” and hit “Erase” >Now for the good shit: “Security Options” >Click this bad boy. The window that drops down will be a slider with four options. “Fastest -> Most Secure” The middle two don’t have names. >”Fastest” is the default option. This is the equivalent to Window’s “Quick Format” which clears your drive, but like, leaves a potential breadcrumb trail back to your embarrassing One-Direction-During-The-Purge fanfic, so be warned. The second and third options are escalations of erasure, each taking a little longer, since it’s re-writing the data more and more each time. >”Most Secure” is your CLEANSING NUCLEAR HELLFIRE option with the hilarious note about the DOD. >THIS CAN TAKE LONGER THAN YOU THINK IT SHOULD. If you need this drive quickly, DO NOT CHOOSE THIS OPTION. >This will annihilate all the data on the drive. The data will be UNRECOVERABLE. >Now, memes aside, you may want to be cautious about using this. If this flash drive has ever stored anything important, like family photos or important paperwork, or anything you’d be turbo fucked to lose, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE BACKUPS. >HAVE YOU CHOSEN? >Hit “OK” >Hit “Erase”

AND WE’RE DONE.

This last bit down here isn’t necessary for the tutorial, but I wanted to include it as a fun side trivia thing:

All this shit is the secret behind those cop shows recovering “““““deleted””””””” computer data. Remember how my joke example went from 32GB to 1GB despite the flash drive being “empty”? The Invisible Memory Eater is actually the drive’s previously held data, despite what efforts you may have put into deleting it. It’s still there, like a ghost. 

This is my best understanding of what exactly is happening, and why some data is recoverable, and why some is not: Using a painting as a metaphor, let’s say this:

You have a blank white panel and you paint a picture of a cat.

Next, you take white paint and cover the cat up. The cat is still there, but now there’s no way to see it. 

You paint a sunflower. And then you cover it in white paint. The cat and the sunflower are still there, and now your panel is pretty thick with paint. 

You paint a house. And then you cover the panel in white paint. All three paintings are still there, and the panel is really bloated and heavy. You had two options.  

1. It’s not as capable of being worked as it was previously, so you give the panel away. The next person gets the canvas and notices how thick the paint is. With an x-ray, they can see multiple paintings under the plain white layer. Now, with a special tool, they can carefully scrape off each layer of paint to see each image. The house shows up well enough, maybe a bit of a mess. The sunflower is more degraded, and the cat is unrecognizable. But now they have an idea of what the old paintings were. And that wasn’t your intention at all, that was private. But you can’t do anything about it now.

OR

2. You decide to freshen up the panel. Maybe it won’t be as good as new, but you can work with that. You take the panel around back, and blast the damn thing with the power washer until all traces of the paint are gone. Maybe the board is a little worse for wear, not quite brand new, but the evidence of the old work is absolutely gone, forever.  There’s no image left to access. 

Now when you give the panel away, well, maybe someone could notice the wear and tear, maybe a hint of old paint in the nooks and crannies, but there will never be enough to bring the old paintings back to life. Or even know that there were more than one painting at all. 

That’s simplifying, obviously, and doesn’t perfectly line up with the technical things that are happening, but I think it’s a decent metaphor. To line it back up to the cop show bits, they’ve basically got the x-ray and the special tools to get at the old data, and the tutorial above would be the power washer annihilating everything. 

[lhs3020b]

“Nightfall”, by Asimov and Silverberg

I haven’t picked a book apart in a while, so have some mildly-disjointed thoughts on Asimov & Silverberg’s 1989 novel, mostly focused on the somewhat-ropey astronomy, but looking at a few other things as well...

"Nightfall" is a late-1980s novel-length expansion of the 1950s story of the same name. The basic premise is, "what about a world with no night?"

The planet Kalgash (Lagash in the short story - no relation to Ur or Sumer insofar as I know!) orbits the G-type star Onos, which is in turn one part of a complex multiple system containing six stars in total. With that many stars, there is always one in the sky somewhere. The other five suns are Trey and Patru (a co-orbiting pair of A-type stars), Tanu and Sitha (another co-orbiting pair, this time B stars) and lastly Dovim, a red dwarf. You can see several oddities immediately - note that the stars have neatly sorted themselves by spectral type! And there's only the one red dwarf (Dovim, implied to be an early-M-type object), when you'd expect loads as a) star formation is an efficient machine for making red dwarfs and b) ~75-80% of all stars are red dwarfs.

As for the system architecture, I've struggled to come up with anything sensible. The below scribbling would make (some) sense, but fails the "always a sun in the sky from anywhere on Kalgash" test, as Dovim will often "fall behind" Onos on its orbit around the barycentre:

Presumably Onos has to pass quite regularly between the Patru/Trey and Sitha/Tano pairs - what this implies for Kalgash's climate and thermal balance I'll leave as an exercise for the reader! Also, the formation history of this system must be weird. Kalgash's complex biosphere implies an age of several billion years, but A and B stars have far shorter life expectancies. Is Onos actually a star that formed elsewhere, which was captured into the system later on?

Anyway. Kalgash orbits Onos, supposedly alone, and there is no night - even if it's only reddish inadequate Dovim, there's always a sun in the sky. Always. Forever. And this sentence is 100% certified to contain no lies, evasions or elided truths of any kind. *Ahem.*

The native Kalganians - supposedly some sort of non-terrestrial non-humanoid life, though the book flip-flops this many times - apparently cope very poorly with darkness. Even as little as 15 minutes in complete dark is apparently enough to induce permanent psychosis. This makes it just as well that Kalgash is a loner object, with no moons or nearby planets or other local bodies that could cause eclipses ... ooops.

Basically, the plot of the novel concerns some scientists who discover evidence of Mass Effect-style periodicities in the collapses of historical civilisations on Kalgash. About every 2000 years, *something* happens that seems to cause people to go collectively go mad and burn down any settlement they might be living in at the time. It seems to be sudden - it stops as soon as it starts - but the destruction is near-complete. And guess what? It's almost 2000 years since the last time civilisation toasted itself.

Meanwhile, Kalganian astronomers have recently developed a theory of universal gravitation, based on studying the motions of the suns (plausible; you'd have a lot of data to work with there). Only there's a problem. Kalgash itself is stubbornly not-quite-conforming to the predictions of the models, and in fact the deviations seem to be getting larger. The theory seems to be wrong - what horror! what sadness! gravity fails!

Or does it? In fact some Kalganian theorists notice something odd - you can explain the planet's motion perfectly if you assume the presence of a second planetary-mass object. Once you plug this in, you can figure out where this body would have to be. The results are ... worrying. You see, this hypothetical Kalgash Two is apparently closing in on Kalgash-Prime. It won’t collide with Kalgash Prime, but it will get close enough to block out sunlight.

Now, the book isn't 100% clear whether Kalgash-Two is a moon or another planet. I think it has to be a planet - its orbit apparently takes 2000 years, which would certainly take a moon entirely outside Kalgash's Hill sphere; Onos would have "snatched it away" onto a stellar orbit. Another oddity is that no-one can see Kalgash-Two - even here on Earth you can see the Moon clearly by day, and given what we know of the dynamics of this system, Two would present a large disk when it enters opposition with Kalgash-Proper. In the book it's speculated that Two's surface rock might be bluish in colour, which might "camouflage" it against the sky. I'm dubious about this - yes, Turquoise-The-Mineral Is A Thing, but an entire planet made of it? To me, this feels a bit "off", geologically.

Anyway, the astronomers realise that if it exists, Kalgash-Two is only a matter of weeks away from by-passing Kalgash itself. And when it does, it will arrive when half the planet has a rare "one-sun" day. That sun is, of course, the red runt Dovim itself, and Two will pass between Kalgash and Dovim. Depending on how big Two is, it could entirely block the sun out. Things are about to get dark! The other five suns will all be on the other side of the planet, but Kalgash rotates, so the other hemisphere will apparently get a taste of darkness too.

Now, note how odd the dynamics of this eclipse are. Apparently the umbra - the region of full shadow - is bigger than Kalgash itself, and the eclipse takes an entire Kalganian rotational period to pass. The book never - IIRC - tells us how fast Kalgash spins. It's certainly possible that a Kalganian "day" is far shorter than a terrestrial one, but it's implied to be at least a dozen or so hours. (The suns don't "move" fast enough against the sky for anything less.) So just how big is Kalgash-Two? To create an eclipse lasting multiple hours, it must be large. Honestly I think it would be hard to do this at a size smaller than that of a gas giant. Is something bigger than Jupiter swinging by, just outside the Roche limit? (No-one on Kalgash notes any seismic events - there's no upsurge in tremors, no disruption to tides or odd behaviour from gravimeters, like you would expect if a super-Jovian body was closing in on you, which is an inconsistency.) Anyway, sure enough, Kalgash Two shows up on queue. Suddenly the reddish gloom of a one-sun day starts to darken, and the horrified masses look up to see a massive bite eating into the side of Dovim! Rapidly and with maximum fuss, the sun goes out! Basically what happens next is like "Pitch Black", except with mad people instead of cannibalistic alien monsters. You'll note I haven't said a lot about the characters yet. There's not a lot to say - they're all very much "straight from central casting". They aren't objectionable, but they're not particularly memorable either. The plot itself has two threads - the astronomers' growing concerns about the impending disaster, which in turn puts them into conflict with a politically-influential cult, who claim to be preparing for the imminent return of "the stars". While the book is formulaic and the characters are fairly-average, it is a fun read; the pages turn without too much difficulty!

In case anyone's wondering about where exactly the authorities are in all of this, well, on eclipse night they prove completely useless. If I remember correctly, the government fails to take any warnings seriously and officials dismiss the astronomers as cranks. Basically they’re running on “January to March 2020″ rules - sadly I can no longer dismiss this pattern of behaviour as unrealistic, depressing as that is! When the night itself arrives, IIRC, the staff at the local power company manage to go mad ahead of almost everyone else (apparently there were no bulbs inside the turbine hall, or something) and their rampage plunges Saro City into the worst-timed power outage ever. Also, making matters worse, Saro probably didn't have any municipal lighting (because why would it?) and apparently most people don't have much in the way of torches or candles at home. So the darkness-maddened people react by torching everything that will burn (fire = light = MASS PYROMANIA!). How they're all able to find matches while a) utterly-demented and b) fumbling around in the dark ... yeah, that never gets explained.

Now we arrive at another oddity: on the night itself, people actually are able to see. They can see the stars without any trouble - which makes no sense. Why would their eyes be evolved to function in low-light conditions? But see the stars they do. There are several pages of the astronomers (those who survive the first few hours of the eclipse-chaos) boggling at the sheer scale of the universe they find themselves in. (In fairness, this is quite a cinematic moment ... basically the ~400 years of the Copernican revolution, which wasn't really "complete" here until Hubble demonstrated that the Great Nebula of Andromeda was a physically-separate galaxy in the 1920s? Kalgash's scientists get the entire thing, mainlined into their stunned brains in about 1 hour.

Their disorientation is certainly understandable.

Incidentally, there's another astronomical oddity here. Kalgash Two should be visible - a dark disc blocking out the sky in the direction where Dovim "should" be - but no-one remarks on it. Also, Two seems to have no atmosphere at all, because Kalgash-Proper doesn't experience any total-lunar-eclipse style blood-Moon. (What exactly is Two? It has to be at least as large as a gas giant, but it's also airless? What is this thing? Is it a planet at all?) Anyway, the eclipse does eventually end, after a few hours. While there are survivors, society has essentially collapsed. The damage is roughly the same as a median-scenario Great Powers nuclear exchange would be here on Earth (except minus the craters and radioactivity).

Just think - if the utilities provider for Saro City hadn't pulled an ERCOT, it's quite possible they could have got through the night without a mass casualty event. While people would have been frightened, if they'd had working lights to huddle around while Two passes by overhead, they might have been able to ride it out. But that didn't happen, of course. (If I was a cynic, I might say the real story of "Nightfall" is the cost of inept/crony-coddling infrastructure policies when the once-in-a-century event pays you its rare-but-inevitable visit.) Anyway, the ending of the book, unfortunately, is pure Silverberg. That is to say, it's rushed, lazy and addresses none of the themes, character-development or even some of the earlier plot-events of the book. On the last two pages of the book, the surviving scientists decide to join forces with the menacing theocratic star-cult, because apparently religious totalitarianism is somehow the only way to save the world, post-nightfall. Yeaaaaaaaaaaaah. Incidentally, here we see some of the typical narrative ticks of a certain sort of mid-century SF writer. Note how any sort of change (nightfall! social chaos!) just *has* to be BAD and SCARY, and they instantly seek refuge in anti-democratic authoritarianism. You see this tick a lot in so-called "Golden Age" writers - it's almost a trope of their behaviour. (It's also interesting given the cross-links between people like Heinlein and the military/industrial complex, or Pournelle and the GOP.) So the TL;DR summary ... "Nightfall" is a novel that follows the spirit of hard SF (if not the letter, as seen above) and has some iffy ideological/mimetic moments ... but, it works as a potboiler and (disappointing ending aside) is definitely a fun read. Just don't expect the celestial mechanics to be in any way workable.

Oh, and here comes Kalgash Two...

[cannebady]

Prompt: Aziraphale and Crowley reading reviews for the bookshop

Thank you for the prompt @captainclickycat!

In hindsight, Crowley isn't sure why he set the blasted thing up to begin with. It was, more than likely (read: most definitely), the result of quite an extraordinary amount of alcohol, because all of his best (read: worst) ideas have always started that way and why would this one be any different?

This one, evidently, was him setting up an official Yelp account for A.Z. Fell & Co., Antiquarian and Unusual Books located singularly in one London, Soho. He's sure that it'd seemed like it'd be a laugh riot at the time, though he's not entirely sure why, and he's sure that his sloshed self had been perfectly positive that Aziraphale would never even find the page so honestly what did it matter?

What his sozzled brain hadn't counted on was that, for all of his long and storied existence, he'd been the architect of his own irritations and, like the best of cosmic jokes, it seems that he would continue to be for the rest of bloody eternity.

First of all, he'd truly never thought that Aziraphale would acquire, much less actually use, a mobile phone. But, here in the after of the world that shouldn't have been, it seems that stranger things have truly happened. Of course it didn't help that he'd kept suggesting that Aziraphale get one and then, had gone so far as to actually present the angel with one, fully loaded. He just hadn't counted on the angel taking the blasted thing with his bright, shiny, sea-foam eyes, to which Crowley had no functional defenses, and then take to using it like a fish to water.

The second thing, that came on the tails of learning to use his mobile, was that Aziraphale discovered that he could look up restaurants wherever they were and didn't have to count on Crowley to do so. Additionally, there were reviews he could look at that were just, "So helpful Crowley! Look at these humans, inventing something so useful. They always have been wonderfully creative." Each word was imbued with absolutely heinous amounts of love and good will and Crowley was really just the worst demon there ever was, because he was so damn charmed by Aziraphale being charmed that he didn't put two-and-two together before it stuck him upside the head like a two-by-four.

---

"Crowley", Aziraphale whispered intently while Crowley was quite comfortably napping on the back room sofa.

Crowley tried to ignore it, he really did. He was so wonderfully comfortable and it really would be a shame to wake up. However, it's been established that he has fuck-all in terms of ability to deny Aziraphale anything, so of course he took the bait.

"Yes angel?", he replied, trying to infuse demonic levels of annoyance of nonchalance (read: sleepy, part-yawn, part-soft demon noises) into his tone.

"There are reviews, for the bookshop, on the Yelp!"

It takes Crowley a minute to catch up, because he's still not used to Aziraphale having internet access or knowing what something like Yelp is. He's about to wonder aloud what customer would actually be satisfied enough with Aziraphale's customer service skills to go so far as to write a review about it, before he realizes that he's the one who set up the account in the first place and promptly forgot.

"Wha, erm, what're they saying angel?" he asks, just a bit concerned that this might all be traced back to him.

Aziraphale scrolls down to the first review and Crowley comes up to read over his shoulder.

Marci S.

Soho, London, United Kingdom

2 Stars - 25/1/2020

"I've lived in Soho for years and finally decided to go in. The shop is in complete disarray, but the selection is great. I was satisfied until I actually tried to buy a book. The shopkeeper was icy, difficult, and downright combative. I left empty-handed. Not worth it."

Crowley cringes for a second, before Aziraphale huffs.

"Well, honestly, what did she expect? Hefting a first edition Austen around like that. Am I supposed to sell that to just anyone?" And Crowley wishes he wasn't so fucking impressed by Aziraphale's lack of propriety in these situations, but here he is, smiling like a loon.

"Oh, well of course. Why would she think she could buy a book in a book shop?" He gives a patented shit-eating grin which Aziraphale returns with an eye roll so well rehearsed it'd put Liz Lemon to shame.

"What else, angel?" Crowley asks because he's a glutton for punishment and he just loves that he still gets to rile Aziraphale up. That there's still a world where he can.

"Well, ah, here's another one." Aziraphale scrolls and lands on the next review which is, somehow worse.

Peter W.

Covent Garden, London, United Kingdom

1 Star - 22/12/2019

"Ponce of a shop owner wouldn't let me look at any of the rarer books. Been looking for a first edition Wilde for my son but the pansy wouldn't even let me near, real bastard he was."

Crowley can't help himself. Aziraphale is radiating righteous anger and looking more indignant by the second and it's just too good. Crowley's practical jokes never work out this well and he didn't even need to manufacture the reviews! A.Z. Fell & Co. has a 1.7 rating overall and he knows, he just knows, that every single one of those reviews are 100% honest.

Horribly, once he starts laughing, he can't quite stop. It takes the angel a second to realize that Crowley's breathy sounds aren't commiserating sounds of support but are rather poorly held back guffaws and he pulls out his best thin lipped glare and that's it, that's the end of Crowley's self control. He starts laughing in earnest, nearly bent over at the waist and feeling tears line his eyes, when he hears a truly irritated squawk leave Aziraphale's mouth.

He tries to speak through his bouts of laughter, "Oh, hah, angel, you-," he breaks off again, "you really are a bastard though." To which he receives a thunderous look, laced with millennia of angelic righteousness, a scathing, “Do shut up”, and a fussy turn that would've been a hair flip had Aziraphale had the hair to do so.

Aziraphale is manically scrolling before he stops and the air changes. If Crowley had been less filled with mirth, or had been less self-confident, he would've felt the change in tension. He would've realized that the specific change meant that Aziraphale had found exactly what he needed and that he was about to hand Crowley's arse to him for the 99 millionth time in their very long lives. But, as it was, Crowley was feeling far too chuffed for anything so fleeting as self-awareness.

When he finally looks back to the angel, planning a bit more gloating, he sees a carefully serene, calm smile reaching back, and his blood runs ice cold. This can't possibly be good.

"Well, how about this one, then?", he says and gestures for Crowley to read what's on the screen.

Naya L.

Lambeth, London, United Kingdom

4 Stars - 13/10/2019

"Mr. Fell is actually quite nice, if a bit fussy once you get to know him. He really knows his stuff. He let me use some of his original texts for my thesis. A bit odd, though, every time I went to do a bit more work or look at a new text, there was a man completely asleep, snoring, on the sofa. Weird look about him, sunglasses while indoors (even while sleeping?) and lots of black leather, definitely dyes his hair red. Looked a bit like a washed up rock star. Maybe a friend of Mr. Fell's? Either way, the selection is fantastic even if it smells a bit odd and seems a bit dingy."

Crowley's not laughing now. It takes a moment for him to register that the "indignant squawk" he heard was actually from his own mouth rather than the angel's.

"How dare she-, a washed up-, these are Valentino!"  He yells gesturing wildly towards his own face and the sunglasses that aren’t actually there at the moment, creating more of a chaotic flapping than any recognizable gesture. And now it's the angel's turn to stifle a giggle behind a well-manicured hand. "And I do not dye my hair! It's just like this! I'm a demon, remember?"

At this, Aziraphale starts making a sound that Crowley will respectfully refer to as cackling.  Of course, this was going just too well. And he clearly needed to stop kipping on the sofa as often as he did or it'd do awful things to his carefully crafted reputation.

"Oh, my dear, that's just divine” the angel says wiping an ancient handkerchief primly under his eyes. Crowley wants to be annoyed, and he is to some extent (he'll find bloody Naya L. and give her a piece of his mind, he will), but Aziraphale is just so happy and he's a true sucker for that laugh and that smile.

"M'not washed up, m'just retired."  Through the haze of exasperation, he realizes, perhaps for the first time, that he really is. Retired, a retired demon. That’s what he is. Aziraphale seems to realize it too, because his smile morphs from snide and down right bastardly to warm so quickly it gives Crowley emotional whiplash.

"Yes, I suppose we are, dear." The angel puts down the phone and herds Crowley toward the sofa where they can get comfortable; Aziraphale seated on the far end and Crowley's head comfortably pillowed in his lap, angelic fingers carding through his (definitely, absolutely not, dyed) hair.

Were either of them to look at Aziraphale's phone screen, they'd see the review just below Naya L., which read simply:

Damian R.

Soho, London, United Kingdom

5 Stars - 10/10/2019

"Can’t remember why I went in there in the first place but there was a huge snake. Just a real big snake, all black and red and gigantic. Just sitting in the bookshop, not sure why. Nice lookin snake overall tho. Would probably go back." 

[dear-trashpanda]

Slightly longer incoherent post instead of five separate shorter incoherent posts

So like I wanted to point out a couple things.

1, I was in an earlier post talking about how my parents used to tell me to pull it together when I was younger. And I realise that from that post without context it might seem like they have been emotionally abusive towards me or something. And I just wanted to point out that this is not at all the case.

Basically my dad is a poster boy for undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome, he was abused and neglected as a child and he has lost 3 out of his 4 children, and my mum is a half-orphan who grew up with no mum of her own and a dad who never got over having lost the love of his life and so he couldn't really be there for my mum when she needed him most. Looking at them through this lense, yes they are two incredibly damaged people with their own respective plethora of psychological issues, but they have honest to god tried their best to raise me in as loving and caring of an environment as possible. What caused most of the troubles is that I was a special needs child and they were most likely not equipped with the skills required to fulfill those needs. Basically, no matter how hard they tried, what they could offer in terms of caregiving was not aligned with my needs as a child. Probably, someone of a different temperament would have turned out perfectly fine, and it is an unlucky coincidence that in my case, this turned out to be severely traumatising. I do have some repressed memories, so I can't speak for this with a 100% certainty, but as I remember it, our trauma didn't come from direct abuse, but from a series of way more subtle, but nonetheless traumatising events, that involved being physically sickly, having been in painful accidents in early childhood that required long periods of hospitalisation and frequent isolation, having difficulties setting and understanding my own boundaries, social isolation, cultural context (e.g. no availability of child psychiatry, obtaining a diagnosis, mental hygiene professionals etc.), the misalignment of my and my parents' love language and like a ton of other shit that one by one seems like small crap but in total it managed to fuck me up for life.

2, I keep thinking about system roles. Like, the thing is, for the past 5 years I locked myself away from all information on OSDD/DID and on other systems' experiences, because I know how suggestible I am and I didn't want to accidently make things worse for myself by adding a layer of maladaptive daydreaming and pseudo-symptoms to my preexisting condition. But by now we're relatively stable as a system, so I thought, what the heck, let's see what the literature and the people of the internet say. And while I'm still trying to figure out the popular terminology and stuff, what I've learnt so far has provided me with enough context so I could start overthinking analysing my own situation and thinking about ourselves in a whole new, systemic approach. (See what I did there? What I DID there? Holy fuck Brain, go to sleep.)

So yeah, different roles. And like, what the fuck is even going on with our other alters because ACTUALLY while we're trying to pretend that it's a very small and neat system of two people, that's very much not true and in general, we're like a fucking mess. So I guess quick system rundown follows:

The Actives

Fox - Host/primary. Xe's what we call a fighter/survivor. Fox is the product of some extreme stress and xe represents the part of us that fought xyr way through all the life-or-death crap we've gone through and that's what xe thrives on. Xe has a hard time these days because life is lovely and stable and it's kinda giving xem a full identity crisis... So I guess in a way xe could be considered a protector?

Bunny - our very own little, and an absolute cinnamon bun. She is a soother, and while she never fronts alone, she's the only one of us who can co-con and she mostly comes out when I'm in distress and she just hugs me until the world is all better.

The Dormants (these guys don't have animal aliases so I'll just use their real names)

The Demon/The Bitch - she's a terrorist, or what people call a persecutor, if I understand it correctly. She used to be able to co-con and apparently had all of our memories, and her sole role was to torture and threaten us, sometimes actually breaking into front and making a very bad job of pretending to be one of us to confuse/manipulate our loved ones, but she couldn't resist making a mock version of us, so it wasn't super effective. She's been very active for a while, but mostly dormant for the past years. Maybe we just realised she was just a scared little girl and hugged her to death...

Emily - she used to be some weird form of a protector. Like, the kind that threatens you with the coconut she wields as a weapon because that was the first object she could grab and she shuffles into the bathroom to barricade herself in just so she can call it job done and go away again. She was kinda problematic and one-dimensional, and while she has been fully dormant for the past 3 or so years, I definitely "inherited" her jumpiness and way of getting startled by literally anything and everything, so I guess we kinda fused together accidentally or something...? Like, did I eat her? Ugh...

Dylan - she was a short-lived one, and mainly a reaction to a certain life situation, where we lived in deep poverty, starvation and extreme daily stress, so her singular goal was to have fun. We basically denied her a chance to front because... Well, because that was what seemed to be the right thing to do at that moment.

Alice(?) - I actually don't know anything about her, I'm not even sure she ever really existed, I just found some clues in a journal (that's where the name is from) and some stuff none of us claimed afterwards, so I suspect someone was there at a point but I'm absolutely unclear on any of the details.

The Confusing Shit

Brain - I was recently told that not everybody's brain is talking to them and that Brain might actually be some sort of system-related stuff, but basically it's just there to entertain me with horrifying, but kinda endearing and/or absolutely hilarious shit. And to torment me with anxiety voices but you know...

The Chorus - just a bunch of jumbled internal noise that keeps screaming static at me every time I'm too stressed.

The Hollow - it describes itself as a sort of autopilot, or rather, "whatever remains when you strip all personality from the body. It's a collection of physical functions and its goal is to keep us going when noone's fronting. It keeps us fed, hydrated, safe, and periodically puts the body to sleep so maybe one of us can re-enter front.

TP (myself) - so yeah, as far as roles go, I'm like... What, part protector-part persecutor-part trauma holder-part little-part host like wtf am I even?! I know that everybody has a blind spot for themselves, but like does any alter ever know what the fuck their function is supposed to be?! I'm just so fucking confused pls someone explain my system to me?!

3, about the excessive posting today. I dunno. I really just cannot stop, but I'm also more out of it than I have been any time in the past like ever, and occasionally I'm not even sure it's me or who am I so I'm deeply sorry for the verbal diarrhea. I guess I'm partly doing this because I'm sure I won't remember any of this later, like I keep "waking up" and it's been like 50 years and it's still the SAME MOTHERFUCKING DAY AND IT'S BEEN LIKE 5 SECONDS since the last post I've written the day before yesterday, so I guess it's also like my sense of time is absolutely fucked, but seriously I've just lived a lifetime of incoherent torment this day, like, did I just die and go to hell and this is what hell is? Seems plausible.

[homenum-revelio-hq]

Welcome to the Order of the Phoenix, Amos!

You have been accepted for the role of non-biography character FABIAN PREWETT with the faceclaim of Sam Heughan! Your application was so much fun to read! I loved how much attention you gave to the various layers that make up Fabian, who he is and how he’s ended up where he is now. I look forward to seeing him try and balance his problems against the greater needs of the Order. I am so excited to have you as part of this roleplay!

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Amos AGE: 22 TIMEZONE: GMT ACTIVITY LEVEL: It’s hard to say. I’m a freelancer working in theatre, so some weeks are hell and I work 70 hours, and others are 9-5 so I could be on in the evenings and weekends. Other weeks I might be on show call in the evenings and so could be on during the day. I’ll definitely be able to do 1 reply a week to keep up with activity, but I really want to do more than that, so if I can I will! ANYTHING ELSE: No triggers really. As for experience, I’ve been rping on tumblr for maybe 8ish years on and off, mostly Harry Potter, Fabian is one of my most played muses, I love him to pieces.

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Fabian Prewett AGE: 30 (willing to change this to fit with Molly and Gideon’s ages when/if they become taken characters) GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Fabian is a cis man and uses he/him pronouns. To differ from this course has never occurred to him. He is very comfortable in his gender, he doesn’t so much as revel in his masculinity as let it naturally steer him. He doesn’t shy away from laddish encounters in pubs, or rowdy sports events, but he isn’t what you’d call aggressive or arrogant. He (somewhat subconsciously) considers the role of protector and provider a man’s role, despite having many females in his life that contradict that line of thinking. He has a desire to fill these roles, and every failure to do so is a knock to his confidence. He has never had a problem with his body or the way he looks, further than being teased for his ginger hair, or the insecurity that typically accompanies puberty. As far as he’s concerned his body matches perfectly with the way he sees himself in his mind’s eyes, he has never wanted to alter anything about it that couldn’t be achieved by working out or good hygiene.  

Sexuality is slightly more of a grey area for Fabian. He liked girls just as much as any other guy he went to Hogwarts with. He had girlfriends and flings, enjoyed the sex and the summer romances, fell head over heels for his first love and had his heart broken, just like most other guys he knew. The problem was he also tended to fall head over heels for guys too, except he didn’t get an opportunity to explore that side of things nearly as openly or frequently as he did with women. Some days Fabian is 100% accepting of himself and his attraction to men, he’s ready to shout it from the rooftops, tell his friends and family, step fully out of the closet. But most days he is unwilling to admit that side of himself. He’ll hear a comment from a stranger, or read an article in the newspaper, see something that makes him believe there could be nothing worse that openly sharing his sexuality with the world. Maybe someday he’ll get around to confiding with those closest to him, although he suspects they already have their suspicions, and actually, that suits him just fine, as long as they never confront him about it.

BLOOD STATUS: Pure Blood HOUSE ALUMNI: Gryffindor ANY CHANGES: None

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

Fabian is an intelligent guy, although his grades at Hogwarts wouldn’t necessarily reflect that. Fabian is not a books smart, he struggled with the subjects that were largely reading and writing, memorising dates or formulae. But when he could get his hands dirty, something clicked in his brain and it all made sense. For this reason, he excelled in Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures. He did well with the practical elements of DADA and potions, but struggled with the theory, and absolutely flunked subjects like History of Magic.

Fabian is also pretty good at reading people. He can tell if someone is uncomfortable or hesitant to engage and can usually put them at ease. If someone is upset, he’s often the first to notice, and when someone has good news he can tell by the look on their face before they’ve even said a word. This is more of an unconscious skill, not something he works on deliberately, but a natural gift. However, he isn’t quite so in tune with his own emotions. In denial about a lot of things in his life, Fabian will ignore his own feeling and lock them away until they either disappear or he can deal with them conveniently.

He is of course, courageous and brave, he will unthinkingly put himself in the direct line of danger if it means he’s protecting somebody else, especially someone he loves. Unfortunately, this means he tends to act before he thinks. Sometimes, in battle, that’s the line between life and death, the split second of hesitation before throwing a hex could cost him his life. But most of the time it just means he gets himself into trouble.

He also has a great sense of humour. Fabian loves a joke or a prank, even if he ends up being the victim of it. In these dark times, he whole heartedly believes laughter is the best medicine. He knows it can’t fix everything, but at least it can patch up the wounds until tomorrow. If he can make someone laugh in their darkest hour, then he considers his job done. Fabian’s tendency to goof around also means that he masks his true feelings with jokes and gags, rarely letting on if he’s having a tough time or struggling with something. He hates to show weakness, and jokes are a good way of distracting people.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

(These are my headcanons but very willing to talk to the writer of Molly and Gideon and come to group decisions about what their family is like)

Fabian has always felt loved and safe in his family. It came unconditionally and in abundance. I see Fab as the middle child, Gideon being the oldest sibling, then Fab, and Molly being their younger sister. Whatever the order, I always see Fab as the younger twin. I don’t think he ever had to fight for attention from his parents, but his boisterous nature and endless jokes probably came as a way to ensure at least one parent was giving him their undivided attention. I think the twins got in trouble a lot, not seriously, but just day to day misbehavings that seemed like the end of the world when they were 5, but now seem trivial. I think they would fight to take the blame to save the other, which of course resulted in both of them being told off anyway.

I think he was sheltered in a lot of ways. He had two parents who loved him and loved each other. They kept him safe from the evils of the world for as long as they could. Any fights his parents had would happen in hushed tones after all the children were asleep. Any financial issues they were having were never made apparent to the children, they had their favourite snacks and the desired birthday presents every year, even if it meant their parents had to tighten their belts. The fact that they were purebloods was rarely discussed. The Prewett parents didn’t buy into the whole ‘sacred 28’ philosophy and so it wasn’t important other than to recognise that they were exceptionally privileged to live as purebloods in a world that was likely to favour them, and that some people weren’t as lucky. It wasn’t until Hogwarts that Fabian properly realised the impact of blood status and the injustice of it all.

I see Fabian’s father as a tough man with a stern face, rarely discussing emotions, never saying the ‘I love you’s out loud, but rather showing it by working long hours to provide for his family, by turning up to every quidditch game, by quietly boasting about his children’s achievements to his co-workers, by the worn photo in his wallet: his three children and his beautiful wife, in the garden underneath the summer sun, giggling at some long forgotten joke. He was a humble man, handsome in a weathered kind of way, and absolutely devoted to his family.

His mother was soft in all the places his father was hard. Always a hand to stroke Fabian’s hair as he fell asleep, a lap to curl up in, a kiss on the cheek to embarrass him in front of his friends. She was a wonderful cook, even with the sparsest ingredients. When she baked the children always got to lick the spoon. She would indulge them in their silly made up games for hours, and then read them stories after they had finally worn themselves out. She had a hard time saying no to any of their desires, which is where their father had to step in. I don’t think she was necessarily stunningly beautiful, but beautiful in a way all loving mothers are in their children’s eyes.

So I think they had a very happy childhood, and were free to be children. They had the kind of happy home that they got homesick for when they were at Hogwarts, and were excited to return to at the holidays.

One of my big headcanons is that their mother died a few years back, maybe just after Fab and Gid graduated Hogwarts, so their late teens/early twenties. I think it was illness, not a gracious one that leaves you frail and elegant and lets you drift off in the night, but the harsh aggressive type that robs you of everything and still won’t let you go. I think it would have broken the family; a set of perfectly balanced scales left swinging wildly trying to find a new equilibrium. The three children learned to heal, with each new marriage and birth, the mourning for their mother getting easier to bare, but for their father I think it stayed fresh no matter how many years passed. He became reclusive and depressed and now only attends the most important family functions with a lot of pestering from them all.

OCCUPATION:

Fabian currently works as the conductor on the Knight Bus. It is a bit of a fall from grace for him, but for anyone who asks, he’ll just tell them he wanted to escape the office, meet more people, less paperwork and less pressure. The truth is he was fired from his last job in the Department for Magical Transportation. After months of minor offences such as coming in late, filing the wrong forms, or turning up to the wrong room for the wrong meeting, Fabian finally broke the last straw when he splinched himself whilst teach an apparition course at Hogwarts. Besides giving a few teenagers nightmares, he ended up in hospital for a few days and his boss made the decision to let him go. The reason for all the fuck ups is that Fabian has slowly become more and more dependent on alcohol. It started, as it usually does, as getting trashed at the weekends to wind down from a hard week, and then that turned to drinking on weekday evenings, and then to slipping some fire whiskey into his coffee in the morning, a then of course he couldn’t turn down a pint at lunch times on slow days. At this point Fabian is very rarely not intoxicated to some degree, and his boss noticed. He was fired and now he works in a job where no-one really notices if he’s been drinking if he’s careful about it. With the way Ernie drives, everyone else is just as likely to fall over as he is.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Fabian didn’t think twice about joining the Order. At first it felt great, a secret organisation of rebels, fighting for all that was good and right. But after years of fighting, the hope drained away and it became a grinding business. He soon realised his naivety that the Order would be all about adventures and swinging in to save the day, that after a little while they’d defeat the death eaters and be regarded as heroes. He would never leave, it’s barely even an option for him. If he’s hardly keeping it together while he’s part of the Order, knowing he’s doing all he can to defend his world and the people he loves, he would fall to pieces entirely without it. But when the good days get fewer and further between, it gets harder to keep his head above the water.

He was against the ranking at first, but he sees the sense in it now, especially with the whispers of double agents. They aren’t going to win this war as a bunch of rag tag optimists, they need to fight and organise like any other army would. I think Fab would probably be mid-level, he’s older than a lot of the members and so been there longer. He might have been higher up if he could be trusted more, but the alcoholism means he slips up, even if he’s trying to keep his dependency a secret.

SURVIVAL: 

Since losing his job at the department of magical transportation Fabian has been able to fly under the radar with more ease.It also means he has a lot less money. He is currently in between permanent bases. Sometimes he’ll rent a room in London, and more often than not it’s a tiny, run down, room with leaks in the ceiling and no heating, but it’s all he can afford. As soon as he gets paranoid he’s been followed home, or being watched by someone across the street, he’ll pack his bags and move on. He spends a lot of nights on the Knight Bus anyway, and he can sleep there when he’s not working, and every so often he’ll spend a couple of nights at the Burrow.

He is also low on money because a lot of his salary goes on booze. If he’s not working on the Knight Bus, for the Order, or visiting the Burrow, he’s likely at a pub or bar getting smashed. And even when he is working, he’ll have bought the cheapest bottle of alcohol he can find from the nearest off-licence and be stealing sips of it whenever he can. But it all adds up and some months he can barely make rent on whatever squat he’s holed up in at the time.

He survives out of sheer stubbornness some days; others he can see the last glimmers of hope and knows it’ll be worth it if he can just press on. He visits the Burrow and see his nephews and realises that failure simply isn’t an option. Unfortunately, right now his survival methods might also be the death of him.

RELATIONSHIPS: 

Some of the strongest relationships he had before the war are now some of the most tense, probably because they mean the most to him. Gideon, Molly, Arthur and the boys will always be the most important people in his life, and he loves them with his whole heart, but it’s fair to say the war has strained even the strongest bonds. He is terrified of losing them, terrified he won’t be able to protect them when it comes down to it. He won’t admit to himself that his alcoholism makes him a danger to them, he’s hoping they haven’t noticed, but the difference in him must be obvious to anyone who truly knows him.

Some of his best relationships now lie in the people he has become close to because of the war. Members of the Order who are always up for a laugh and a drink at the end of a long night’s watch. Who understand the horrors of the war, but haven’t had to witness the change from a carefree young man, to a haunted husk of a person. If they can pretend for a few hours that the nightmares don’t exist, then what’s the harm? These are the people Fabian will spend most of his free time with. He might not confide in them, but at the moment, they are getting the best of him.

Romantically Fabian is terrified of starting anything serious. He’ll have one-night stands, short flings, especially with people outside of the war effort, but nothing more than that. Apart from anything else, he’s still struggling with his sexuality. It’s true that he could still have open and loving relationships with women, but the knowledge that he’s hiding such a big part of himself, makes every relationship feel disingenuous and so all romantic relationships suffer as a consequence.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: I don’t really have any anti-ships for Fabian, I’m open to anything with chemistry. I’m really interested in exploring his closeted bisexuality, and so I’d love to see him romantically involved with another guy, but I’m not excluding any hetro ships at this point.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

I think Fabian grew up incredibly privileged and sometimes he doesn’t realise that until someone points it out to him. He’s getting better at seeing it and using it to help others. Now he’s a blood traitor it’s not so much of a privilege, but he can still see that he has it better than muggleborns.

Most of the time his biases are similar to the general populations’, views he’s picked up because they are generally accepted, and he’s never thought to challenge them. So yes, he probably doesn’t like werewolves, because as far as he knows he’s never met one and all the stories he’s heard are bad. And he probably thinks house elves don’t deserve any more rights than they have because having an entire race as your personal slaves hasn’t registered as something that might be wrong. He definitely has some internalised homophobia. He couldn’t pin down exactly what his problems with it are, because if he met a person who was openly gay, he would accept them immediately, but he can’t accept it in himself yet. Anything more complicated than being gay in the LGBTQ world is probably beyond him and would take a little minute for him to understand.

I think generally as soon someone pointed out why his prejudices are wrong; he would accept it instantly. He wouldn’t hold on to these old views, he is extremely versatile in this manner, and almost eager for his ignorance to be corrected.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?  After I left my last rp I fell out of the habit of writing everyday and I really miss it. I love the marauder era and I really missed writing it as part of an rp community. Plus, I am super into the fact that this is an AU rp where the ending isn’t set in stone.

PLOT DROP IDEAS (OPTIONAL): You know I love a good masquerade ball, not sure how it would fit into the plot, but they are super fun. I would love to see Fab’s connections at the department for magical transport come into play. I’d also love to explore him really fucking up on a mission because he was drunk. Maybe some undercover work for him. Kidnappings are always fun, either kidnapping death eaters or members of the Order being kidnapped.

ANYTHING ELSE? Not that I can think of.

EXTRA FOR NON-BIO CHARACTERS:

PAST. 

Fabian had a pretty sheltered and privileged upbringing as a pureblood male, the war made this vibrantly obvious to him incredibly quickly. He joined the Order as soon as he could, not one to sit around and let others put themselves in danger for the things he believed in and the future he wanted. But years at war takes its toll on everyone. Fabian, like many, turned to alcohol. Although it numbed the day to day pain of the war, it made him sloppy and careless with his own safety. He lost his job at the ministry and ruined a number of his relationships.

PRESENT.

Fabian’s day to day life now consists of a number of things. Working as a conductor on the Knight Bus. The shifts are flexible, the responsibilities are few and that suits him fine. It means he can devote more time to the Order, the second thing that consumes his waking hours. The daily grind of the war effort may be getting him down, but he would literally have to be dead before he surrendered. In between work and the Order comes his family and friends, the main reason he fights at all. Seeing his nephews can be the highlight of his month, Gideon and Molly are the rocks he so desperately needs. Accompanying all these things is the alcohol. He drinks in the evening with friends, then has a night cap at home, a splash of whiskey in his morning coffee to tide him over to his lunch time pint. One day it’s all going to catch up with him and ‘one day’ might not be as far away as it once was.

FC CHOICES: Top choice: Sam Heughan. Other choices: James McAvoy, Sam Claflin

[star-anise]

lunarcanine reblogged your post and added:

I never had it as terrible as that, however, I can relate to that. I use ‘big words’ that my classmates always tease me about, and I talk about psychology and disorders and syndromes when I can, and drop in facts when the opportunity is given. My main source of positivity was from the praise, and the only reason I have friends is because my extrovert father has an extremely high social expectation so I just….made friends that I have to this day. I still long for someone who can be as weird as me. And literally every adult I have a conversation with says something like ‘woah you sure are genius! How does she know all of these things?’ and I just think that they hold very low expectations for childrens. I just know a lot.

I took an IQ test when I was younger, five or six….and I think I got average. So even being average, I can relate to thse things

Okay, I’m gonna babble at you a little about the brain.

What we’re really talking about, at its base, is neurodivergence. It’s the idea that on whatever measure of brain functioning, the vast swath of humanity fits into one general model, and outliers are very rare. 

To compare brains to physical bodies: Most humans have ten fingers and ten toes. I, for some obscure reason doctors don’t know, was born with eight fingers and nine toes. I’m a little off the standard expected model physically. About 1 in 50 babies is born with some sort of congenital abnormality like that.

So, to brains: A neurodivergent brain is one which, in some measure, is a little different from the expected “neurotypical” brain. This can be in a few small isolated areas, or over a broad number of different areas of the brain. 

Because your brain has a lot of different systems that can function really differently--language is in a different location than mathematics, those are in a different place than music, which is different from physical coordination, which is different from the ability to pay attention, which is different from your ability to understand and empathize with other people, which is different from how emotional you get or how much you can control those emotions. These systems can all work together, but we also have an amazing ability to separate them--so you can read and walk at the same time, or cook dinner and write a story in your head. And they can be affected differently--someone can be neurodivergent primarily in one of these areas, or they can be neurodivergent in a lot of them.

When someone’s brain is different enough from the neurotypical model to cause distress or impairment relative to other people, that difference is usually given a diagnostic label and categorized as a mental illness or learning impairment. When these differences are seen as positive, they’re rarely studied, just kind of generally glossed as “gifts” and “talents” but they don’t get nearly as much attention as what are seen as deficits. 

So here’s the other thing about the brain: It develops A LOT when you’re young. The amount of change you undergo as a child is huge. We’re born not able to control our own bodies, understand other people, or form abstract thought. Those are all things we develop as we mature. Kind of like how we go from the size of a football to five or six feet tall.

There’s an expected model for what “healthy development” looks like. Walking and talking occur around age one; the ability for concrete, abstract thought begins at age seven. 3-year-olds can be expected to understand the word “look”, 8-year-olds learn “examine”, 14-year-olds learn “perceive”. It’s the model tests are based on. The general assumption that 98% of children the same age will be in the same general area of brain development is why we group schools into classes by age.

But not everyone’s in that 98%. The 2% are neurodivergent.

I don’t think being neurodivergent means you’re innately worse or better than anyone else, any more than my 8 fingers means I’m not a human being. It’s just how we are. It’s not a choice we make, to have the brains or bodies we’re born with. The choice is what we do with them. But the problem is, being a 2%er in a 98% world, you’re assumed to be a 98%er who’s just choosing to be different. I have ADHD, meaning, difficulties in my brain to do with attention and control over my actions; but that wasn’t known when I was a child, so people just thought I was choosing to be inattentive and lazy. And I’m intellectually gifted, so when I finished a test in half the time it took everyone else, they thought I was choosing to show off. But I wasn’t; I try really hard to focus and pay attention, and I tried really hard to look “normal”. It was just like... constantly trying to slouch or stand on my tiptoes, to be a different height than I was. It didn’t work, and then I was also the weirdo who was contorting herself into funny positions.

Sometimes neurodivergent kids have needs that are poorly understood because of the lack of attention paid to them. For example, it’s known that Gifted kids are prone to emotional problems sometimes because their intellect develops faster than their ability to handle emotions--for example, a 4-year-old who loses the ability to form language when she’s hurt or scared, and who needs a comforting adult to help her deal with a skinned knee or a scary dream, could intellectually make the intellectual leap from “my dog died” to “I and everyone I love are going to die someday” and be totally unprepared to handle a thought that terrifying, and become inconsolable in a way that makes no sense to the adults around her--and she’s unable to explain, because she can’t use language when she’s upset yet. And even if she does, they might not expect a kid that little to have a thought that big, because most other 4-year-olds don’t.

It sounds like you didn’t put much more effort into developing your vocabulary than most other kids; you just happened to have a particularly good ability to absorb and remember new words. The words you’re using a very normal... for a small percentage of children your age. If they assigned classrooms based on vocabulary instead of age, you would be perfectly normal. It’s not like there’s some extra area stuck onto your brain that nobody else has; you’ve just developed differently. Would that neurodivergence show up on an IQ test if you took one now? I don’t know. I do know that IQ test results can vary a lot depending on when you take them, which test you get, and whether you’re having a good day. 

I also know that although IQ tests are designed, for the vast majority of people, to get the same general score on all the different areas, many neurodivergent people have a “differentiated profile” where their scores on the different subtests do not match the average. For example, you can score above average on tests to do with making things with your hand, but below average in using language. (Kids like this are often very frustrated in school, where they’re mistaken for being globally “slow” because they’re not able to make other people understand just how much is going on inside their heads.) Or you can be very good with spoken vocabulary, but very bad with spelling. The difference doesn’t have to be huge to make a difference, although sometimes people don’t think it matters. For example, my IQ scores were all the same, except for two subtests. In Coding and Digit Span, I scored two points below everything else. The psychologist who assessed me said, “Whatever, it’s still very high, no need to worry,” and wrote in his report that I was “very likely to enjoy academic success”.

Digit Span and Coding are two parts of that IQ test that best assess memory, attention, and focus. That difference meant something. If he’d looked closer, he might have seen that while I was a smart kid, I had ADHD. Buuut he didn’t, so I didn’t find out I had it until almost a decade later, when I was having a mental health crisis and had failed several university courses because I just couldn’t get my shit together (an ADHD trait).

The thing that identifying as Gifted gave me (because I read Stephanie Tolan’s Welcome to the Ark when I was 14) was the best understanding of where to find other weird kids like me. I started looking into weird and nerdy activities and groups (historical re-enactment, model parliament, science fiction conventions, advanced high school courses) that were likely to contain other weird and nerdy people. I thought: If it’s 2% of us who are different, then that’s 2 in a grade of 100 people. But it’s 20 in a school of 1000, 200 in a town of 10,000, 2000 in a city of 100,000. My people have got to be out there somewhere.

[fluidityandgiggles]

The Plastics: Phase 2

(Phase 1 - part 1, part 2)

—————

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart!” Roman was looming over the sink, trying his best not to stare at his boyfriend.

His very much shirtless boyfriend.

Roman knew how much Virgil loved his 7-Eleven slurpees. (Part of him liked the fact that his boyfriend was a less-homicidal version of JD.) But sadly, so did Remy. So when Remy told Roman to throw Virgil’s slurpee at him... he couldn’t argue against that.

It was Remy, after all.

But he isn’t going to complain about his boyfriend being shirtless.

“It’s perfectly fine, it was just a slurpee.” Virgil gave Roman a smile that he would never be caught, dead or alive, giving to anyone. “Just... do you have a spare shirt?”

“Do you mind that it’s Wednesday?”

—

Having lunch with the Plastics was like leaving the real world and entering “Popular World”. And Popular World had a lot of rules.

“You can’t wear a tank top two days in a row,” Roman told me. “And we only wear track pants on Fridays.”

Well... let’s consider the issue with the statement. That day, both Remy and Roman were wearing jeans. Remy’s blue, and Roman’s white. Their shirts were pink, though.

And Emile... yeah. He was in a skirt.

“I mean, not just you. Like, any of us. Okay, like, if I was wearing track pants today, I would be sitting over there with the drama kids.” Emile started giggling. “You think this is a joke? Drama club is not a joke.”

“We know, Roman.”

“Oh, and we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us, because you have to be considerate of the rest of the group.” Understandable. “Well, I mean, you wouldn’t buy clothes without asking your friends first if they look good on you.”

“I wouldn’t?”

“Right. Oh, and it’s the same with guys.” I think this was when Roman’s leg started jumping. “Like, you may think you like someone, but you could be wrong.”

And then Roman looked at Virgil. Who was playing with a pair of aviators. Well... if I had to guess...

“A hundred and twenty calories, and forty-eight calories from fat...” So Remy could read labels. Nice. “What percent is that?”

“Forty-eight into one-twenty...?”

“I’m only eating foods with less than 30% calories from fat.”

“It’s 40%.” The confused looks I got from Remy and Roman were... weird. Let’s call them weird. “Well, 48 over 120 equals X over 100, and then you cross-multiply and get the value of X.”

“...whatever. I’m getting cheese fries.”

Sure, Remy. Sure.

As soon as Remy got away, though... Roman started talking. “So, have you seen any guys that you think are cute yet?”

“We’re all gay here,” Emile said. I think to himself. I hope to himself.

“Well...” Better be honest. “There’s this guy in my calculus class-”

“Who is it?”

“It’s a senior?” Yes, Roman. It’s a senior.

“His name’s Patton Graham.”

If I had to compare this moment to anything... it would probably be a bomb drop. Roman started a chorus of “no”s, with Emile joining in every now and again.

“Oh no, you can’t like Patton Graham!”

The literal angel descended from heaven to grace this world with his beauty and overall being? Sure. Why? Can you explain why, Roman? Huh? You wanna try an explanation, bitch?

“That’s Remy’s ex-boyfriend.”

Oh.

“They went out for a year.” Thankfully, this was said by Emile. Roman’s voice was starting to annoy me.

“Yeah.” And... we’re back. “And he was devastated when Patton broke up with him last summer.”

“I thought he dumped him for Ollie Hendricks.”

“Okay, irregardless. Ex-boyfriends are just off-limits to friends. I mean, that’s just, like... the rules of feminism. Or something.”

I swear I heard Virgil snort.

“Don’t worry. I’ll never tell Remy what you said. It’ll be our little secret.”

I seriously doubted it.

—

“We define the sum of the infinite geometric series...”

Even though I wasn’t allowed to like Patton, I was still allowed to look at him. And think about him. And talk to him.

“Hey, Pat-”

“Hey, you’re the Africa guy, right?” A guy (who, to be fair, looks like a top hat would just fit him perfectly, he’s just that kind of creepy) asked me. As I was going to talk to Patton.

Rude much?

“Yeah.”

“I’m Dorian Pechmann, captain of the North Shore Mathletes. We participate in math challenges against other high schools around the state, and we’re missing a member. You should think about joining.”

“Oh, you’d be perfect for it!” Our teacher - Ms. Torres - jumped in.

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Great, great. Let me give you my card!”

This guy has a card...?

‘Dorian Pechmann - Math Enthusiast/Bad-ass M.C.’

It even includes his phone number. Lovely.

“Okay, so... think it over. Cause we’d like to actually compete this year.”

Okay...

—

Patton actually almost talked to me later that day, if only Remy didn’t pull up near the football field and screamed “get in, loser, we’re going shopping!”

Remy is like the Barbie doll I never had. I’d never seen anybody so glamorous.

“So how do you like North Shore?” Emile asked me in the mall.

“It’s good. I think I’m joining the mathletes.”

And again with the booming chorus of no.

“You cannot do that,” Remy said. Incredibly harsh for a valley girl. “This is social suicide. Damn, you are so lucky you have us to guide you!”

And then Roman spaced out. And I could see why. Over in the shop we were passing...

There was Virgil.

I was starting to suspect more and more.

Being at Old Orchard Mall kind of reminded me of being home in Africa. By the watering hole. When the animals are in heat.

“Oh my god there’s Jason!”

“Where? ...oh, there he is.”

“And he’s with Taylor Wedell!”

Remember Jason? From the cafeteria? Yeah. The poor person he was now picking up...

Was a girl.

“I heard they’re going out.”

“Wait...” Remy’s smirk grew into a vicious smile. If we can call it that. “Jason’s not going out with Taylor. No. He cannot blow you off like that. He’s such a little skeez. Give me your phone.”

“You’re not gonna call him... right?”

“Do you think I’m an idiot?”

“No.”

It took Remy exactly three seconds to dial up a number - how exactly? - and ask for “Wedell on South Boulevard.”

“Caller ID-”

“Not when you connect from Information.” And then, “Hello, may I please speak to Taylor Wedell?”

I swear his voice became more feminine when he said that.

“Oh, this is Susan from Planned Parenthood. I have her test results. If you could have her give me a call as soon as she can. It’s urgent. Thank you!”

And then, “she’s not going out with anyone.”

“Okay,” Roman said, finally smiling. “That was so fetch!”

It took just a couple seconds after that for Taylor Wedell to run away screaming.

—

Remy’s house was bigger than I have ever known a house to be. His step-mom was incredibly plastic-y, like a tv trophy wife or something, and his sister - oh god, his sister! His poor, sweet, innocent preteen sister - was watching MTV.

I honestly don’t think the content was entirely age appropriate.

His step-mom also offered us drinks that could have passed for alcoholic, which was even more worrying for a second.

But his room...

“It was my parents’ room,” Remy told me. “But I made them trade me.”

Bitch...

Even worse, bitch who flaunts around his ex-boyfriends. Like all the pictures of Patton he has hanging on his door.

“Logan, do you even know who sings this?” Remy asked me about the music that was playing on the radio.

“Umm... One Direction?”

“Oh my god, I love him! He’s like a Martian!”

Is that a... compliment...?

“God, my hips are huge!” Emile was checking himself out in the mirror... why?

Is that what friends do...? Gay people as a whole...? What?

“Oh please, I hate my calves.” Something about Roman’s tone sounded incredibly fake.

“At least you guys don’t have huge shoulders.”

I used to think there was just fat and skinny. Apparently, there’s a lot of things that can be wrong about your body.

And so, after listing about eleven hundred things that are wrong about their bodies, they turned to me. Expected me to talk.

Well... “I have really bad breath in the morning.”

“...ew.”

And then, “Oh my god, I remember this!” Emile was holding a pink album.

‘The Burn Book.’

“I haven’t looked at that in forever! Come check it out, Logan!”

“It’s our Burn Book,” Roman told me. “See, we cut out pictures of people from the yearbook, mostly girls, sometimes also guys, and then we wrote comments.”

“Trang Pak is a grotsky little bitch.” “Still true!”

“Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.” “Still half true!”

“Amber d’Alessio masturbated with a hot dog.”

“Virgil Thompson,” Emile read out. “Stoner.”

Wait, what?

“Who is that?”

“I think it’s that kid Thomas,” Roman said. His voice still sounded... well, off.

“Yeah. He’s almost too gay to function.”

“Ha, that’s funny! Put that in there.”

Oh no. What have I done. Maybe that was only okay when Virgil said it.

—

“And they have this book, this Burn Book, where they write mean things about a lot of people in our grade.”

Virgil looked incredibly enthusiastic. Maybe a bit too much for the situation.

“What does it say about me?”

That you’re a stoner. “You’re not in it.”

“Those assholes.” He seemed to enjoy it far too much.

“Will this minimize my pores?” Thomas was holding a tube of... whatever cream that was.

“No. Logan, you gotta steal that book.”

“No way!”

“Oh, come on! We could publish it and then everybody would see what a dick he really is!”

“I don’t steal.”

“That is for your feet!” Virgil literally snatched the new cream from Thomas’ hands the second he brought it up. “Logan, there are two kinds of evil people. People who do evil stuff, and people who see evil stuff being done and don’t try to stop it.”

“Does that mean I’m morally obligated to burn that lady’s outfit?”

Thomas really shouldn’t have said that, probably.

“Oh my god, that’s Ms. Torres.”

“I love seeing teachers outside of school! It’s like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs!”

“Oh, hey, guys,” Ms. Torres called as she came to the counter. “What’s up? I didn’t know you worked here.”

“Yeah, moderately priced soaps are my calling.”

“You shopping?”

“No, no. I’m just here with my boyfriend.” Yeah... literally the only other customer in the shop. “Joking. Sometimes older people make jokes.”

“My nana takes her wig off when she’s drunk.”

“Your nana and I have that in common,” she deadpanned. “No, actually I’m just here because I bartend a couple nights a week down at P.J. Calamity’s. Logan, I hope you do join Mathletes, you know. Because we start in a couple weeks.”

“I think I’m gonna do it.”

“Great!”

“You can’t join Mathletes, it’s social suicide!” Thomas rushed to say.

“Thanks, Thomas.” And then, “well... this has been sufficiently awkward. And I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”

“Oh man, that is bleak,” Virgil sighed when Ms. Torres left. “So, when are you gonna see Remy again?”

“I can’t spy on him anymore. It’s weird.”

“Come on, he’s never gonna find out! It’s just... it’ll be like our little secret!”

Okay then...

—————

Tag list:

@broadwaytheanimatedseries @anony-phangirl @itsthemoooooooooon @whatwashernameagain @illmamnim @anotherfanboyonline @illogical-anxieties @allsortsofgeekery @ask-m423 @samwantstobereal @creepy-crawly-death-dealer @nepturanus-thy-planet @impatentpending @pheo742 @the-randomest-ofthe-fandomest @fanderily @tripleaaace @jokesequaljoker

[donvex]

A PLAYLIST OF RICHIE TOZIER APPEARANCES

Fandom: IT (2017)

Pairing: Reddie ( Richie Tozier / Eddie Kaspbrak )

Word Count: 2.3k

Summary: 

Eddie is, by all means, a popular vlogger. He’s worked hard to get himself where he is, and the fans love him for that, appreciate him for that.

But they’re also somewhat obsessed with Richie Tozier, and trying to decide if Eddie is, in fact, dating him.

So sue them.

AO3 Link

For @odeto-tozier, based off of their Vlogger!Eddie post.

Tag List: @killerxqueer @richietozierlitaf @princely-dots

I. 101 WAYS TO DITCH YOUR FRIENDS - 932k VIEWS

One of the most popular videos on Eddie’s entire channel, at least for a while, this is where Eddie introduces them. The Losers Club. He’s mentioned them, sure. Talked about having them on for a video, showed off their makeup or their art and directed his fan base to their social medias, but this is where he finally introduces them.

Big Bill is first. Eddie’s best friend, the sweetest guy there is, always there for Eddie. One of the only people to not have made fun of him in middle school for having asthma, Bill knew stuff to do. Places to go. Things to see. And the thing is, Eddie may not have needed an inhaler anymore, but he still never breathed as well as he did when he was with Bill. They’d run all night and never need to catch their breath, that was the kind of bond they had.

And then there’s Mike, and okay, maybe Bill isn’t the sweetest guy in the world. He’s up there, sure, but he doesn’t compare to Mike Hanlon. From the moment Mike is on screen, he’s smiling. Then he realizes he’s being filmed, and he smiles even more. He wants to show the camera a thousand things, from the soft sheep on his farm, to the flowers he’s pressed in his free time, to the pages of history he has organized on his book shelves. Mike is smiles and safety, strong and soft all at once.

Ben is quiet most of the time he’s on camera. While Eddie promises Ben’s all laughs when they’re hanging out, he’s just too shy to do anything for what could possibly (and definitely would) be thousands of people. He’s better at writing words than saying them, and Eddie shamelessly uses that as an opportunity to plug Ben’s up and coming poetry book that he’s been setting up a kickstarter for.

Beverly, Stan, and Richie come as a tangled group. It’s a whirlwind, really, the four of them pushing through the walmart doors at almost 2am. There’s a lot of swift laughter and fumbling of the phone, unwillingly passing the camera from set of hands to set of hands. At some point Richie refuses to give the phone back, holding it high above his head, camera angled down towards a clearly angry Eddie.

There’s a lot of banter, and even Bev and Stan can be heard “oo-ing” in the background and yelling out to “just kiss already!” It’s clearly a joke (maybe?) between a close group of friends, but all of Eddie’s fans instantly latch onto this. It’s perfect, an equal amount of fond push and shove on each end, and it’s addictive.

The walmart group each get their own sections later, and some more group videos are thrown in towards the end, but all of the gif sets made seem to revolve around Richie. His sections is mostly Richie taking the phone and talking about himself, making bad jokes that Eddie swears he’s going to cut out, but it all stays in the video anyway, gasoline on the fire.

II. FUCK THE CHALLENGE SYSTEM - 458k VIEWS

Eddie hates challenges. All of his fans know this, just as they know that any challenge they want Eddie to do - they send to Richie.

Because Richie gets Eddie to do anything.

And that, right there, is what holds every single fan up. If they weren’t dating, why was Eddie putty in Richie’s hands? Best friends, sure, but none of Eddie’s other friends convinced him to do challenges.

(They don’t mention that maybe, just maybe, it’s because Richie is a little shit that loves pushing Eddie’s buttons, and all of his other friends respect him when he declines.

Yeah, they just don’t mention it.)

Except this time, there is no actual challenge. Eddie is going off about how wrong they make him feel, how perverse it is to not only force an uncomfortable situation onto him, but to then expect him to force another youtuber into doing the same. It’s unfair, and unclean, and while he respects any fellow vloggers who enjoy the challenges, he’s officially cancelling any challenge videos on his page ever again.

Richie, who just seems to always be around when challenges are mentioned (who seems to just always be around) immediately flies into the frame.

“You heard it! Eds spagehds is officially moving all challenge videos to my page, so if you want to catch them, you’re gonna have to follow this mother fucker right here.” Eddie’s protests and profanities go ignored, shouts of, “Rich, no! Fuck no!” and then the video cuts to an unfamiliar room, with Eddie moping dejectedly in his chair.

It’s thirty seconds exactly (00:30) of Eddie looking sadly into the camera, dead silence around him. In the empty space next to him, a chair that presumably expects to host one Richie Tozier, is a hyperlink to Richie’s channel, and their first Challenge Compilation video.

( Eddie Finally Does All the Challenges He’s Been Refusing, All At Once - 212k Views )

And now the subs know that Richie can make Eddie do anything, any fucking thing.

And they know what the inside of Richie’s room looks like, too.

III. WHY GAYS RELY ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION - 644k VIEWS

This video is literally the most fucking blurry, conspiracy theory, I-Have-Proof-Of-The-Lochness-Monster shit that Eddie’s fandom has ever seen. It is, by all accounts, a normal ass vlog. Eddie’s there at his counter, bright sunlight from the large windows in his kitchen filtering into the space, a cup of (presumably) black tea immediately to Eddie’s right. Not that he’ll ever drink it in the video, because he never does, but he does use it to keep his hands warm when they aren’t busy flying all over the place while he angrily vents about why public transportation is the worst, but actually driving makes him too fucking anxious to function.

Because, come on, fuck turnpikes.

The video is approximately two minutes and thirteen seconds (2:13) long, and yet this video has triple the amount of views as every past two minute long vlog for the past four months.

(Four months ago Eddie released a two minute vlog that was nothing but Eddie’s friends petting his hair, and Eddie making soft happy faces in return. The fandom continues to keep that video alive, if only by desperately comparing the length of Richie petting Eddie to the length of every other loser doing so in hopes that the numbers will add up and mean something. So far, it doesn’t.)

There’s really nothing about this vlog that stands out, not even the mug Eddie uses or the clothes he wears. The outfit is one that they’ve seen before, between fashion vlogs and #ootd instagram posts.

No, the reason this particular video skyrockets in popularity is not because of anything Eddie does, but because, around 1:43, from a very distant shot, you can see a figure lazily walking into the kitchen, grabbing a bowl and some cereal, and leaving. That figure, almost 100% wearing nothing but boxers, looks a hell of a lot like one Richie Tozier.

You know, disregarding the distance. And the pixelation. And Eddie’s face cutting off the figure most of the time anyway, because it is his vlog.

But that almost-naked figure in the background is definitely an almost-naked Richie Tozier, the fandom swears it.

IV. PRETTY BOY TRANSFORMATION - 722k VIEWS

The entire fan base already knew Eddie was a pretty boy. That was half of the appeal of his channel in the first place, that you knew exactly what you were going to get. A safe place for any identity. Eddie had been sent plenty of soft shirts and flower crowns already, and half of what he opened on his unboxing streams was pastel. The fans didn’t need to make edits or gifs or icons - Eddie was perfectly happy to wear all of it on his own.

But Eddie with make up, that was an entirely new type of pretty boy.

The video starts with Bev and Eddie bickering, and quickly devolves into not-so-subtly shoving each other’s shoulders while trying to get in front of the camera. They’re both laughing, wide smiles and warm eyes, until finally Bev pushes Eddie’s head down and sticks her whole face into the camera to let all 1.2 million subscribers know that she is, in fact, going to do Eddie’s makeup - but only after letting Eddie pick his own outfit, first.

The dusty blue eyeshadow is a safe choice, and matches the large sweater Eddie’s wearing. Then Bev is drawing large wings onto Eddie’s tan skin with white liquid, and lining his bottom lid with decorative dots. Eddie tries to sass Bev the entire time she’s trying to put on white lipstick that she had found from god knows where, but Eddie refuses to stop talking until finally she admits defeat and let’s Eddie put on a soft matte pink instead. The last touch is silver glitter, thickly painted from the corner of Eddie’s eyes and down his cheeks.

The orange light of the sun skips across Eddie, shimmering like dust. Eddie makes a pouty kissy face, lips puckered and eyelashes fluttering, head just barely resting on his hand while his large sleeve slides down his thin wrist. And that’s when it happens.

The first actual conclusive clue.

(So the fans say. Because really, an audio clip that is exactly .02 seconds long is hardly more conclusive than any of their video evidence, but the file still spreads like wildfire.)

“Cute, cute, cute!”

The voice comes from off screen, and Eddie snaps his teeth in the direction of Richie’s voice before the video hard cuts to Eddie posing for the camera.

V. TRANSPORTATION STRIKES AGAIN - 834k VIEWS

It’s another shitty phone video, and this time the quality is even worse because of the trembling car. A quarter of the video is blurred, and again, this is another two minute vlog. Two minutes and thirty one seconds (2:31) to be exact. A quarter of that leaves, well, not much actual time to have actual footage.

Once again, Eddie’s transportation life is crumbling. The buses are all shut down, too many workers on strike, and there’s no other quick way to be mobile. He’s stuck in Richie’s run down truck, and maybe he’s a little fond of it, but he doesn’t have time for Richie to make seven ridiculous pit stops.

The fans are a little disappointed that they don’t get to see Richie and Eddie’s gas station excursions, but they notice when the video cuts from an empty truck to one filled with drinks and snacks, and that only means one thing - Eddie gave in and let Richie get whatever he wanted. Again.

One point for the shippers.

It’s a short glance into Eddie’s life, just something quick to keep his subs satisfied until he can finish editing his full length video, which he promises will be out by the end of the next day.

“Aw, Eds, it’s like you care.” Then Richie’s ruffling Eddie’s wind swept hair, and Eddie is trying to keep his stern expression on despite the laughter that starts bubbling up from his chest. He swats at Richie’s hand, yelling at him to watch where he’s fucking driving, but even behind the wheel Richie manages to be a menace.

Then they’re there, wherever there is, (and yet again the fans wish they knew, because Eddie casually keeps skipping over it, but they can at least realize there’s a line of privacy there somewhere that they shouldn’t overstep). Then Richie is taking the phone from Eddie, mock saluting it, and kissing Eddie’s head before pushing him out the door.

Yeah, the all of the fans double take, too. Rewind the video, and then rewind it again. Throw on captions for good measure. That’s definitely there, they aren’t searching pixels this time.

Richie just kissed Eddie on the forehead. If he isn’t whipped, which he should be, all of Eddie’s fans will be whipped for him.

+I. THE REAL MTV: CRIB TOUR!! - 1.1M VIEWS

Eddie’s not in his normal spot. The lighting is different, and the camera is close to his face - utilizing an above angle that Eddie doesn’t use often.

But Eddie’s smiling, his face expression tired and content. Most of his greeting comes out mumbled, and he tries his best to address his fans, but he can’t. He’s too comfortable, he tells them. He recently invested in a good pillow, and boy, has it made all the difference. He’s not a sell out, he just doesn’t see anything wrong with product placement. If a quality brand is willing to offer him merchandise for free, he’s gonna take it.

Except then he’s pushed, and the feed goes hazy for a moment, until the phone is back up in place - and zoomed out this time, too.

Eddie is on his couch, curled up in between Richie’s legs. “I’m not a pillow, Eds. I’m not sponsoring you.”

“Of course you are, shut the fuck up.”

Then Eddie’s rambling about how comfortable the cushions are, how warm the sunlight is, how he doesn’t think he’ll ever walk again if it means he has to get up. He goes on like this for a long while, and Richie just watches him, his own hair wild with sleep and a smile taking up over half his face. When Eddie realizes he’s talking to himself, he turns in Richie’s arms to look up at his face, and Richie jolts.

“Hey there, princess.”

“Are we going to show them our new apartment or not?”

“Mmmmm…. or not, if that means I get to stay here with you.” Eddie sighs in defeat, but he doesn’t look disappointed in the slightest as he leans back to lay his head against Richie’s chest. Richie dips down to kiss his forehead before taking the phone, leading his own rambling.

Twelve minutes in, (12:46 exactly), Eddie blinks awake. He looks up and wordlessly cuts Richie off, pressing their lips together gently. There’s a few seconds of silence where the two pull back to stare at each other with soft smiles curling their lips, sunlight filtering between them.

The fandom cries.

“Come on, loser, let’s show them our new home already.”

The fandom cries harder.

[aion-rsa]

How Julie and the Phantoms Normalizes Straight Male Affection

https://ift.tt/eA8V8J

The following contains spoilers for Julie and the Phantoms season 1.

Straight male affection in media has been handled with, charitably, mixed results. For every deeply moving film or TV show about the bonds between straight men and how much they care about each other, there are 20 others that conflate male intimacy with weakness or downright evil. Talking about manly feelings is one thing but physical affection? There’s still a strong stigma that straight men (and boys for the matter) who show too much physical affection are somehow out of the ordinary, immoral, or automatically seen as gay. For years this was fueled in the media with endless “gay panic” jokes featuring characters negativley reacting to any display of male on male affection. A prominent example comes in Friends’ “The One With The Nap Partners” where Joey and Ross accidentally fall asleep on each other and, upon waking up and discovering they’re cuddling, freak out and have to confirm that nothing gay happened. 

This has slowly changed in recent years, with the idea of the “bromance” gaining traction in many films and TV shows. With a bromance two men being close in physical and emotional ways is seen as a positive but more often than not it’s played as a joke. Many comedies dominated by straight men feature gags involving guys hugging too long, expressing their feelings to the point of it becoming awkward, or others assuming they’re gay based on how close they are. 

Scrubs’ ‘Guy Love’ song from “My Musical” is the epitome of this, the whole sequence based on the joke that Turk and J.D. are extremely close but have to clarify, “there’s nothing gay about it in our eyes.” After J.D. sings that Turk is “the only man who’s even been inside of me,” Turk has to hastily add, “whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.” 

It’s better than gay panic to be sure, but it’s still not great.  Straight men genuinely expressing their feelings for each other without being the butt of a joke are something that’s hard to find done well.  

Much of this has roots in decades of societal pressures to appear masculine and it can be extremely harmful not just to straight men but queer men as well. When society tells you, as a straight man, that showing affection toward another man is a joke or flat out bad,It’s not a hard leap to assume gay men are at best a joke or at worst something to fear. Even worse if you’re a gay or queer man, who may internalize this by assuming there’s something inherently wrong with you because of your desire to express affection to other men.

That’s what makes Netflix’s Julie and the Phantoms stand out because it shows, without fanfare, an example of two straight men who are not only comfortable with showing affection to each other but openly embrace it. It also manages to take a scene that would normally be used as a joke at the expense of male affection and turns it completely on its head in a way that’s rarely been seen before.

Julie and the Phantoms is a musical comedy drama series that follows Luke, Reggie, and Alex, three teen musicians who died in the ‘90s but have come back in 2020 as ghosts. Together they form a band with Julie, a living teen, and whenever they perform the ghosts appear in the flesh. Luke sings and is lead guitarist, Reggie plays bass, and Alex drums (he’s also gay and we wrote a lot about him and his male love interest here.)

In episode seven of the show’s first season, Reggie and Alex tease Luke about his crush on Julie, one that’s quickly grown throughout the episodes. Luke tries to shrug it off but Reggie doesn’t let him, pointing out, “everyone can see the way you look at her when you sing. You guys ooze chemistry.”

Luke denies this, claiming, “I have chemistry with everybody that I sing with.” He then proceeds to demonstrate this talent by serenading Reggie with one of the show’s many love ballads, getting extremely close to his face.

For most shows and movies this would be the set up for a typical gay panic joke where at least one of the straight characters would be revolted at even the idea of being flirted at by another man. Reggie might pull away and be grossed out. If it was a bromance joke they might pretend to kiss for laughs.

Julie and the Phantoms, however, has Reggie caught off guard by Luke’s flirting… but he’s really into it! Luke turns the flirt all the way up, grabbing the back of Reggie’s head as if they’re about to kiss. Reggie is flustered but he’s not confused or scared… he’s smitten with all the affection Luke is aiming directly at him.

Alex, watching all of this with a smirk, says, “Wow. I see chemistry.”

Having a gay guy say this out loud doesn’t then make the two pull apart in disgust or lead to the punch line of a joke. Instead the show has Reggie, still flustered, stammer out,

“T-that was pretty hot.”

It even goes one step further! Luke kisses his fingers and puts them on Reggie’s lips, flustering him even more. Reggie isn’t angry about this, he likes it!

This scene is incredible because it’s played for comedy but not because the two straight guys have chemistry or they get REALLY close to kissing. The joke is simply that yes, Luke can have chemistry with anyone he wants and is very good at it. So good at it that Reggie, who before now has only shown romantic interest in women, falls under Luke’s charm. There is zero negative association with the affection between these two straight men, it’s extremely positive and sweet. The joke isn’t aimed at the affection; it’s aimed at Reggie for underestimating just how smooth Luke is.

Now one could point out that Luke and Reggie are extremely progressive for ‘90s straight boys but in a lighthearted and wholesome show like Julie and the Phantoms there’s really no need for them to be homophobic for historical authenticity. It’s a tween show about ghosts from the ‘90s forming a rock band. The fact they even mentioned Alex’s parents hadn’t accepted him for being gay is more realistic than would be expected. 

After years of bromance scenes between straight men where their closeness is often played as a joke, this scene is a revelation. So often male affection has to be couched in jokes or “bits” to fly but here it’s perfectly normal. It gets to be part of a joke but it isn’t the butt of the joke. Reggie getting flustered by Luke’s charms is played as cute. (I should note it’s never flat out said Luke and Reggie are straight but the show emphasizes their attraction to women so I made the assumption.)

Seeing Julie and the Phantoms play this affectionate closeness 100% sincerely (as it does with so many of its plots) is heartening. Anyone who watches this is being shown that straight men, gay men, queer men, bi men, pan men, ALL THE MEN can be affectionate to one another and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just another way to interact with those closest to you.

The more we see of scenes like this, the better the world will be. It’ll hopefully lead to more acceptance of showing your affection to other men, which will hopefully make it easier for straight men to accept affection amongst queer men as well.

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Julie and the Phantoms was already a delightfully charming series for including a queer romance with one of its lead characters but this is just another reason to love it. More normalization of straight male affection in media, please!

The post How Julie and the Phantoms Normalizes Straight Male Affection appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[northshorehealthandfitness]

[caption id="attachment_36456" align="alignnone" width="620"]Photo: Pond5[/caption] This guest post comes from Daily Burn 365 trainer, running coach and three-time marathoner Cheri Paige Fogleman, NASM CPT (pre- and post-natal certified). The opinions expressed below are her own, and should not replace medical advice. After giving birth, it’s recommended to get medical clearance before beginning any exercise/training program. In so many ways training for a marathon is like being pregnant. Your sleep suffers, and yet all you want is more time in bed. Your thirst is off the charts, despite drinking water non-stop. You try to eat more (because you need more calories), but your belly just can’t handle it. You’d really like a glass of wine, but you know you shouldn’t. Your every movement is also an attempt to protect your body from injury. You prepare for months for something that scares the crap out of you, and while you just want it to over with already, you are also still so terrified (so really, let’s not rush things). Your body is totally uncomfortable and achy and you hurt in weird places, but you know that it’ll all be worth it, and you’ll be filled with joy once the big day comes. So, why once you’ve had a baby would you want to run a marathon? Well, on Sunday, November 5, there I was — jammed into the corral at the start of the 2017 TCS New York City Marathon. Would my race be perfect? No. Would it hurt like heck at times? Probably. But, like most big and scary life events, I had a sneaking suspicion it would all be worth it in the end. And seeing my little girl at mile 25 reassured me of that. Here are a few things I learned along my post-baby journey to 26.2, which might help other new moms, too. RELATED: 17 Tips from Real Moms on Finding Time for Exercise

9 Things No One Tells You About Running a Marathon Post-Baby

[caption id="attachment_63206" align="alignnone" width="620"] Photo by Catherine Martin[/caption]

1. Take advantage of your superhuman body.

The first thing my OB said to me at my first visit: keep running throughout your pregnancy. Postpartum, you’ll be able to get back to running quicker and you’ll still be able to take advantage of all the cardiovascular changes that happen to a pregnant body. These changes include increased cardiac output (up to 50 percent more than pre-pregnancy), increased blood volume (also as much as 50 percent more than pre-pregnancy), and an expanded ribcage (which offers more volume of air in one breath). Basically, during pregnancy, oxygen circulates through the body more efficiently, and with increased efficiency, the body can perform better — and with greater ease. And, because a woman’s body doesn’t just snap back after delivery, it can take a year for the postpartum body to operate “normally” again (depending on breastfeeding). But that means we can take advantage of that so-called superhuman body for a while. My OB’s advice: Plan to qualify for Boston just shy of a year, postpartum. It’s nice when you can get a running coach and an OB all in one, yes? RELATED: The 30 Best Marathons in the Entire World

2. Anticipate a drop in breast milk production.

Possibly because of dehydration, maybe because of physical stress, I found that my breast milk production tapered dramatically once my training picked up. If you are exclusively breast feeding and are less than six months postpartum, a few things can help. Oatmeal, for instance, is high in iron, which is believed to promote milk production. Some experts also suggest performing a series of power pumping sessions (as in milk pumping, not pumping iron). This method encourages over-production going into your training so you’ll have extra in the freezer in case you’re coming up short and the little one is hungry. For me, consuming more gels and drinking more electrolytes (e.g. Gatorade and coconut water) while training also helped keep my production from dwindling.

3. Give your feet special attention.

Because it can take about a year for hormone levels to return to normal after giving birth, be cautious of over-stretching and putting excess strain on your feet. The hormone relaxin is present in the body during pregnancy to allow tendons and ligaments to loosen and the skeleton to make space for the baby. If your feet grew during pregnancy, that same hormone can now cause your feet to shift even more. Avoid minimal shoes (unless you’ve been wearing them all along). And don’t skimp on calcium, which has been shown to help protect not just the bones in your feet, but your entire skeleton. Plus, it fuels your body’s energy production — so make sure you fill up on sources like milk, yogurt, spinach and kale. A postpartum body (and a breastfeeding body) is often calcium-deficient due to “mining” calcium from the mother’s bones to provide for the growing baby. RELATED: 9 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Started Running

4. Heed the advice about changing up how you hold the little one.

I was told to switch up which hip I hold my daughter on by more than one person. And I’m a trainer, so I should know better, right? (I have even given that same advice to clients for years!) And yet, when life happens, I have been 100 percent guilty of slinging her on my left hip while scurrying around the kitchen slinging eggs and coffee and oatmeal. It wasn’t until my 15-mile training run that my back started to feel a little twinge…and then my hip and then my hamstring and then my calf. A few weeks later, after an 18-mile long run, I couldn’t walk. A trip to my PT revealed that (due to holding my daughter only on my left hip) my right lower back and the muscles that run up the right side of my spine had all called it quits. That lead to a chain reaction of pain and suffering down my left hip and leg. Which brings me to…

5. Whatever amount of core training you’d normally do, multiply that by four.

During pregnancy, abs have a tendency to stretch or even separate (aka diastasis recti), and if you had a caesarian, the trauma can be worse. This has an effect on not just your ab strength, but also your back stability and the integrity of your entire kinetic chain. As a pre- and post-natal certified trainer, I recommend planks, side planks, bird-dogs, bridges and supermans. And if you can, make an appointment with an MAT (Muscle Activation Technique) therapist. A MAT therapist can determine where muscle weakness might be causing problems. Next, he or she will work to bring that strength back by palpating muscles, then prescribing specific isometric exercises to continue on your own. It’s been a game-changer for me. RELATED: 6 Core Exercises for New Moms with Diastasis Recti

6. Make it worth it.

In my before-child days, I never realized I was taking for granted the freedom to run at any time and for any distance. But now I know. The acrobatics of juggling childcare for training has meant driving 45 minutes to my brother’s house to drop off my daughter, squeezing my long run into two hours, and then rushing back home for her nap time. It’s meant waking up in the pre-sunrise hours to run and get home before she wakes. I joined a gym specifically because it has childcare. And, I went out and bought a jogging stroller. While there is a certain amount of peace and quiet that I’ve thoroughly enjoyed while running, the extreme inconvenience of every single run is unavoidable. Whereas my biggest decisions were once which leggings to wear, or which route to take, now it’s: where my daughter will be, if she’ll need food or milk, and when she'll take her next nap. Because my better half, my brother and sister-in-law, my friends, my wallet and even my daughter have all made sacrifices for the sake of my training, my performance on November 5 was more important than ever. It took a village to get me to the starting line. For their sake, I could not let the village’s efforts be in vain. RELATED: How to Run (And Watch!) the NYC Marathon Like a Pro [caption id="attachment_63205" align="alignnone" width="620"] Photo by Janice Lancaster[/caption]

7. You're stronger as a mom.

There’s no way around it: Hitting the wall sucks. But the sudden fatigue caused by depletion of glycogen stores is something all endurance athletes have to learn to push through. As a running coach, one of the ways that I familiarize clients with that “wall” feeling is through repeat speedwork. (Think: repeat 400s, 800s and miles.) It’s brutal, and it perfectly recreates that hopelessness and defeat as your legs feel like they are going to fall off or melt and you crumble into a pathetic heap on the ground. The “good” news? I now know that the first three months of my child’s life was just hitting the metaphorical and literal wall over and over and over again. I went weeks on mere hours of sleep and then managed to not wake her as I cradled her, stood up from seated on the floor, tripped over the cat (and a pacifier), and finally lowered her into the bassinet. That is pushing through the wall! I now know that motherhood makes you an expert on perseverance. All of my training on the road and the treadmill prepared me for the marathon, but it was my training as a mom that prepared me to win it.

8. Your little one will help you recover faster.

Don’t worry for a second about how you will run 26.2 miles and then be able to squat down to tie your baby’s shoes. You already do daily functional training in the form of squatting, bending, twisting and lifting with your little one. So, as you add on miles, you will naturally continue your feats of strength and acrobatics. In fact, in my before-child days — when I’d allow myself to lounge around after a long run with my feet up — recovery actually took a bit longer. But, because blood flow (from movement) encourages recovery, and a toddler doesn’t allow days off from chases through the apartment, my muscles were surprisingly chipper the day after long runs. They even felt pretty great the day after the marathon! RELATED: 5 Scientifically Proven Ways to Reduce Muscle Soreness

9. It’s no longer about you.

One of the overwhelming takeaways of running the NYC Marathon is how spectacularly the spectators cheered. Their emotional shouts of encouragement contained something more than inspiration. I felt a very strong sense of appreciation that I was achieving this marathon goal for them — on their behalf. While that’s a humbling duty I’m honored to carry out, I’ve begun to think more about how my every action impacts my child. It’s cliché, but true: Having a daughter has made me want to be a better version of myself. And more than ever, I’m aware of how I can lead by example. I want my little girl to see that setting your sights on a goal and working to achieve it are key to excelling in life. And, for me, running 26.2 miles through the five boroughs of New York City was achieving a goal on my daughter’s behalf. It was my way of showing her that she has the necessary stuff in her genes to power through the seemingly impossible. That she can achieve things beyond her wildest dreams. Read More Why I Started Running — And Never Stopped How 10 Runners Beat Their Marathon Personal Best 5 Yin Yoga Poses Every Runner Should Do

The post 9 Things No One Tells You About Running a Marathon Post-Baby appeared first on Life by Daily Burn.

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[bangtanboyzinluv]

Back for Good (2)

1 / 2 / 3 / 4 (coming soon)

Five weeks ago, you and Jin had what could charitably be called a nasty breakup. Unfortunately, you had yet to tell your family, who were all expecting him to be your plus one at your sister’s wedding. So, like a normal, functional person, you called up your ex-boyfriend (who, truth be told, you were not 100% over) and asked him for a favor. This weekend was not going to be easy on your heart.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

“No,” you groaned, and covered your aching head with the extra pillow, hiding from both the early morning sun and the noise. Unfortunately, your alarm clock was not inclined to listen to you, and only got louder. The pillow was not enough to block out the beeping, and eventually you stuck an arm out blindly and hit the button to shut off the alarm. For a second, you melted back into the covers, not entirely awake and entirely unready to get out of bed.

“Shit,” you breathed, and sat up straight before throwing the covers off dramatically. It was Saturday, and you didn’t have to go to work, but you couldn’t sleep in. Without any prompting, your brain supplied you with several immediate certainties.

The rehearsal dinner is today. I’m seeing Jin today. I am going to throw up.

That third certainty came true only moments later. You knew drinking a whole bottle of wine all alone the previous night was a bad idea, but you were so nervous and shaky about the wedding weekend that one glass to calm down became two, and then you had abandoned glasses altogether. You brushed your hair out of your face, flushed the toilet, and sat back on your heels. I am so fucked.

Jin was picking you up in his car at noon, and you were going to arrive at the wedding venue, a vineyard slash bed and breakfast, around three in the afternoon. You dreaded the long trip the most, preparing yourself for awkward silence at best and outright animosity at worst. At least when you arrived at the vineyard, you could mingle with other people and not have to face Jin directly for more than a few minutes.

It was your sister’s wedding. You were not going to let a little breakup ruin it for her. You squared your shoulders, got off the floor, and turned on the shower.

Four Hours Later

The day was sunny and clear, warm but with a pleasant breeze that meant you were perfectly comfortable in your sundress and sandals. You waited only a little impatiently on the curb outside your apartment building, rearranging your luggage and the garment bag draped over it a few times out of boredom. A few times, you heard a clunky car turn down the street and thought it might be Jin’s old, reliable beige sedan, but you had been wrong each time so far.

“Where is he, where is he…” You weren’t really concerned that he wouldn’t show up, and it was still a few minutes to noon, but your nerves were once again getting the best of you. Your jitters were promptly dispelled when you heard the loud rev of a car engine, and you looked up to see a dark blue Jaguar turn into the road. “I bet you’re lost, buddy,” you muttered, wondering what a car like that was doing in a humble neighborhood like yours.

The car drew closer, tinted windows making it impossible to see what kind of person was driving. You were so focused on rubbernecking that you failed to notice the car pull closer, slow down, and then come to a stop in front of you. “Yah, Y/N. Are you planning on getting in?”

“N-new car?” Of course it was Jin, rolling the window down and looking at you like you’d lost your mind. “I’d get out and open the door, but there’s no stopping in this area. The trunk is open, put your stuff inside and let’s go.” He sounded distant, which was to be expected. His hair was also pushed back off his forehead, which was completely unexpected and made your heart jump despite itself. You hadn’t really forgotten how good-looking Jin was, but you were getting an extremely illustrative reminder. In a daze, you plunked your small suitcase into the trunk, then laid your garment bag flat on top of it. You closed the trunk, and rested your hands for a moment on the car, taking a deep breath and counting to ten.

I can do this. Everything will be fine. It is my sister’s wedding, and I will not let my little break-up ruin it for her.

“Y/N?”

“Coming, coming!” You almost tripped over your wedge heels in a hurry to get into the car. The leather seat held your body like a hug, and the interior of the car was icy cold. “When did you get this thing? It’s amazing,” you breathed.

“A couple weeks ago. I’d been driving the same car since I started med school, thought it was time for a change.” Jin shrugged a little, pulling the car fully back onto the road (after checking his side mirror and turning his head to be extra sure no one was coming).

“How is it on gas?” You swore he got a little pink at the question, but then he sat straight up and adjusted his grip on the wheel.

“It’s fine.” Clearly interested in changing the subject, he motioned at the backseat. “There’s water bottles in the back if you’re thirsty.”

“Thank you,” you said. “So, my sister’s getting married.”

“…Yes,” he answered, clearly confused as to why you were stating the obvious.

“Yeah,” you said, not entirely sure why you were trying to make small talk to begin with. “Thanks again.”

“Don’t thank me. I said I would go, and I’m keeping that commitment to avoid hurting your family. That’s all.” He refused to look at you, even more than was necessary to keep his eyes on the road.

That’s all. You knew damn well you didn’t deserve even this courtesy from him, but you couldn’t help being just a tiny bit hurt by his demeanor. Jin had never been this abrupt, even when you had first met him.

Ten Months Earlier

“Okay, and can you wiggle your toes?” You obliged, although it wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world.

“All right then. Well, you’re lucky! According to the x-rays, nothing’s broken. It’s a nasty sprain, and you’ll need to wrap it for a few weeks, but it should heal up just fine.” He smiled at you again, and you had to take a second to be sure you weren’t drooling. Dr. Kim at the urgent care clinic was far too attractive for your health, and you were seriously questioning your decision to get your ankle looked at here rather than the ER. “—going to give you a prescription for that, and you shouldn’t need to come back unless it starts to feel worse. Do you have any questions for me?”

“What?” Apparently, he had been talking while you were staring.

He chuckled a little, and a flock of butterflies descended into your stomach. “It’s fine. I’ll show you how to wrap it up, and then you can be on your way. Lucky that it was your left ankle, or you’d have some trouble driving.”

You did your best to watch carefully as he went over where to start the Ace bandage, and how tight it should be, and how to attach the clips, but you were ultimately distracted by how very gentle his fingers were on your swollen ankle. I can probably look this up online if I forget, you reasoned. “And that’s it. Do you think you can get down off the table, or do you need help?”

Your wince must have been answer enough, because Dr. Kim gently placed your left arm over his shoulder and assisted you in standing. You felt a little like a flamingo on mostly one foot, but you also noticed that he smelled really, really nice—like salt and soap and that nice, clean man smell that couldn’t be described. After a few more seconds of what you hoped was you subtly smelling the man, you sheepishly said, “Um… I think I have it from here, Dr. Kim, thank you.”

“Oh! Right, sorry,” he said, and ducked out from under your arm. “You can call me Jin, you know, Dr. Kim is my mother.”

Oh, boy. He’s an amateur comedian, too. “Well, uh. Thanks again, Jin. Do I just go to the counter and pay?”

“Yes, the ladies up front will take care of the bill and give you your prescription. And.” Here Jin flushed obviously, hand reflexively moving to rub the back of his neck. “Let me give you my card, in case… something else happens with your ankle. You can call, or text, my cell is on there too, anytime.” This last tumbled out at blinding speed, like it pained him to say. You accepted the little business card gingerly, and hobbled out of the examination room to the front desk.

Once you’d gotten to your car and settled into the driver’s seat, you took the card out of your pocket again and examined it carefully. The office number to the urgent care center was written on the front, but on the back was a handwritten number, next to which was (cell). “He was asking me out, wasn’t he.” You had to fight the urge to facepalm. “I am an idiot.” Before leaving the parking lot, you turned on your phone and sent a text to the cell number. Hi there, it’s Y/N. I need your professional opinion. Do you think having coffee with you tomorrow afternoon would help my ankle get better faster?

You held your breath and hit send, scared and excited at the same time. You did your best not to stare at the phone on the drive home, but it chimed halfway through the drive and you couldn’t help but fidget in your seat. As soon as you pulled into your parking space, you unlocked the screen and screeched a little.

In my professional opinion… absolutely. :)

Present Day

You stared at your phone, mindlessly flicking at the little gems in Bejeweled, doing your best not to get motion sick or look at Jin, and failing at both. You couldn’t help but sneak glances at him and hope he wouldn’t notice. He was wearing a plain blue dress shirt, and his hair was back to that auburn-red color it had been when you first met. The silence was heavy and unbearable, had been for the last two plus hours, and it was clear he wasn’t going to be the one to break it. “How are things at the office?”

“Good. They’re good. I got promoted to supervisor of that location, so I can’t complain.” His answer was rote, like he’d been asked that question a hundred times lately. “How about you?”

“Oh, you know. Okay. We got a new boss, which is… different.” Damn, and things were even more awkward than before you opened your mouth. You might as well go for it, then. “Jin, I’m really sorry about what I said to you. That night,” you specified, as if it were necessary. “You didn’t deserve that, and I apologize.”

He didn’t answer for an eternity of seconds, and you worried he was about to snap. “It’s fine,” he finally answered. “I’ve hardly thought about it at all since.” His voice was dry and brittle-sounding. “You don’t have to apologize to me. You didn’t say anything that wasn’t true.”

“But none of it was true! I regret saying those things, so much—”

“Is this where we turn?” he asked, effectively cutting you off. You looked at your phone again, where Google Maps was running in the background.

“Yes, it should be down this road about a mile.” The scenery outside, now that you were bothering to look at it, was gorgeous, but you felt a little chilly inside from the car ride and cold conversation. “It’s beautiful here, isn’t it?” A little smile came to your lips unbidden, looking at the miles of grass and grapevines, surrounding a humongous brown stonework building with three floors.

“It is,” Jin acknowledged. “Your sister has good taste.” He pulled the car up to the covered dropoff area next to the front door, and popped the trunk. Immediately, a young man in a waistcoat and dress pants scurried to remove your bags. His nametag read “Taehyung,” and you reached into your purse for some bills to tip him. Jin got to it first, though, handing him a five dollar bill. “We’re on the second floor, room 206. The keys are in it,” he said politely, and then placed a hand on your back to gently guide you to the check-in desk. You felt as though you’d been shocked—that was the first time he’d touched you since that day six weeks ago, and you let yourself be led to the counter in a daze. “The room should be under F/N L/N,” he told the man behind the desk, whose name was “Yoongi,” going from his tag.

“The Jung wedding party, Room 206, one king, yes?” the man said boredly, pulling two old-fashioned keys off of a rack under the counter. “Please return both keys at the conclusion of your stay.”

You accepted the keys, barely processing his words until—“One…?”

“Come on, Y/N, I’m sure you’re tired after that drive.” Jin beamed an obviously fake megawatt smile at you, again placing his hand on your back to scoot you away from the desk. “Let’s go to the room so you can lie down.”

You closed your mouth, turned, and walked silently toward the stairs. You couldn’t see an elevator, and wondered how old the building was. You could feel Jin’s presence at your back, although he had removed his hand, and shivered a little. “I’ll sleep on the floor,” he murmured so that no one else could hear. “Anything else would look strange.”

That was Jin, always thinking ahead. “Thank you,” you said for what felt like the fiftieth time that week.

“You’re going to have to stop thanking me. We’ll get through this weekend, and that’s that.” This time, his tone was just matter-of-fact. “The dinner itself is at eight, so if you actually do need some rest, you’ve got time. We should probably get there a little early.”

“Okay.” He was being nice now, and you wondered if it was all a show for anyone who might see. You trailed behind him to the room, glancing around the hallway and its wooden floors as Jin turned the key in the lock, then handed you the spare. The room was airy and bright, daylight coming in even through the sky blue curtains.

“I think I will lie down for a while.” Unmindful of your dress getting rumpled, you shoved the throw pillows off the lone bed, stepped out of your shoes, and burrowed under the (also light blue) covers. A small laugh sounded behind you, and when you turned around, Jin was smiling that familiar, small smile. “What?” you asked, voice muffled by the blankets.

“…Nothing,” he said, but his smile stayed put. He walked over to the bags, which you didn’t notice had already been brought up and were standing in the corner of the room, and pulled out a novel with a rather plain cover. Never Let Me Go. He settled in the comfortable-looking chair by the curtained-over window, and opened the book. “Go to sleep,” he said, without looking at you.

“Okay,” you said. You must have been more exhausted than you thought, because the last thing you saw before drifting off was Jin putting on his reading glasses and turning a page.

[naomi-l-tiessen-blog]

Tips on Staying [Relatively] Sane While Writing

Hellllooooooo Everybody ~

Happy Thursday Blogday!

Let’s face it: we’ve all been there, where at some point or another, writing stops being fun. Writing is our calling; we were born on this cynical planet to tell stories. It’s been written into our DNA, it’s our passion, it’s the reason Why. We. Breathe.

And it’s stopped being fun. In fact, it’s driving us a little batty.

*Le Gasp!!*

Cue the world ending.

Don’t worry. It happens to the best of us. It’s common to fall in and out of love with writing, especially considering we should be treating it like a job, and who doesn’t fall in and out of love with their job? Or, better yet, upgrade and develop a love-hate relationship with it altogether? It’s perfectly normal for your life passion to make you seriously question your sanity. And really, Lord knows it doesn’t matter if that passion is a hobby or a profession; insanity is completely inclusive and knows no boundaries. Honestly, you should watch me play video games; as much as I love them, I’m generally a mess when I play.

I know we all like to think that we are tough as nails and have nerves of steel, but the truth of the matter is this: we are human. We are fragile sometimes. And sometimes, SOMETIMES, our mental game isn’t exactly top notch. And while this might not seem like a big deal, not being 100% in the mental health department can lead to other things, like other health issues, insomnia, poor eating habits, increased hermitage, poor writing, or worse, NO writing.

Ok, NOW cue the world ending.

So, before you toss in the towel and seriously consider a new passion, let me settle your worried soul and offer 10 tips on how to salvage the last bits of your already fragile mental psyche. Some of these may work for you, and some of them may not. Some of them won’t be very nice to hear (you’ve been warned; the faint of heart should avert ye eyes), but are important nonetheless.

Without further ado, 10 tips on how to stay [relatively] sane while writing:

1) Take a break. This one is important, guys. When was the last time you got up, stretched, and focused on something besides your computer screen? Sometimes when we are so focused on our work, we forget that we have a body…a human body…and those things have needs! We ignore the signs our bodies are throwing at us, like muscle aches, eye strain, hunger pains, headaches, and full bladders. Trust me, your work isn’t going anywhere. You can afford a 5-minute pee break. It’ll all be there when you get back. And if it isn’t…well…I blame the wizards.

2) Make a schedule for yourself. Set alarms to remind yourself to take breaks, to eat, to do something that isn’t writing-oriented. Maybe instead of saying, “I will write today!” start with smaller, less vague goals. “I will write 500 words, take a 10-minute break, and then write another 500 words.” This goal is a lot more specific, is well-structured, has a beginning and end, and is easily attainable! Make it a habit to start each writing session with a routine so you know which direction you are heading in; going head-first into a session without an end-goal often leads to procrastination, frustration, and disappointment.

3) Switch it up. If the routine you are currently stuck in feels more like a rut than anything, perhaps it’s time to develop a new ritual. Try something different. Leave the house. Listen to a different playlist. Play around with a couple writing exercises to get the ideas flowing. Write in a group if you normally hermit it up (and vice versa, if you are on the more social side). Pick apart your routine and see what is working, and what isn’t. It’s amazing to see the sorts of things that might be helping alleviate your stress, and what might be exacerbating it.  

4) Reward yourself. When you meet a goal, celebrate! Eat that candy, take a breather to watch that movie, go to the bookstore and buy that book you’ve been eyeing up. Allowing yourself those little treats is a great way to lighten the mood, offer momentary distraction, and reinforce further positive behavior. Think of it like this. If you are training your puppy to go to the front door when it needs to pee, you are going to offer positive feedback when it does the task you want it to do. Your puppy is then going to associate doing the right thing with something good (ie: praise, cuddles, and/or treats). The same thing goes for you (except, for the love of God, I hope you’re potty trained). When you set goals for yourself, reach them, and reward yourself accordingly, your brain is going to start associating positive experiences with hard word and hitting goals. This helps you focus less on stress and more on how well you are doing, or how much work you’re getting done. It’s all about perspective, you see. Positive reinforcement is key to a healthy you and a healthy me!

5) Accept defeat. Ok, I KNOW this is like a punch in the throat, and I’m not trying to be Negative Nelly over here, but this is an honest-to-goodness tip, Scouts Honor. When I say, “accept defeat,” I’m not saying toss all your hard work away the moment you hit a wall and all the rainbows and butterflies are gone. I’m saying that if you’ve been struggling with your novel baby for a solid chunk of time (I’m talking months-years here), you’ve lost your passion for it, and you are generally experiencing more anger than joy when it comes to sitting down at your computer and opening up your work, then you might want to consider either 1) setting that WIP aside and focusing on something else, or 2) getting rid of that WIP altogether. Now, keep in mind that this is only for absolutely dire, worst-case-scenario ordeals. But sometimes, it’s good to know when to call a spade a spade and to call it quits. I highly recommend putting a lot of thought into this, as well as making the decision with a clear, objective mind. Because, let’s face it, this is a huge deal, and letting your emotions get in the way might not be the best idea. But sometimes, you’d be amazed at how much lighter you feel after agreeing to drop a story. I’ve done it before, and as sad as it is to say goodbye, the lack of mental stress, guilt, and burden was enough to convince me that I made the right choice.

6) Get support/have a soundboard. A good vent session is a beautiful thing. And it’s even better when it’s not with your fur baby. For me, besides the raging headache I get, I often feel 10x lighter, more energetic, and more balanced after a good sob-fest/yelling session. While the soundboard can essentially be anyone, it helps if they have a writer’s brain like you; they know the struggles you are going through inside and out, and can offer constructive feedback and advice that doesn’t make you want to start throwing out punches like a kung-fu master. But the most important thing is knowing you aren’t alone in these problems. People have gone through EXACTLY what you are going through. They’ve been on the verge of snapping a time or two as well; what you are experiencing is not special, nor is it exclusive to solely you. People are suffering together! Hooray!

7) Journal your progress. Now, I know that sometimes journaling is the last thing people want to do, especially if writing is what they are already doing all day, not to mention if it is writing that is causing them such mental strain. But I find that if I journal my progress, even if it’s a couple sentences here and there, it helps me debrief and vent. This tip is especially handy if you don’t have the best support systems in place, or a soundboard to fall back on. Besides, sometimes we just need to rage-write our hearts out without fear of getting judged, interrupted, and overwhelmed with awful advice. Just as well, I find that journaling also helps me remain focused and on track. I can see how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown, and I’m reminded that I’m a lot stronger now than I was before. It’s very grounding.

8) Listen to music. Some people prefer to write in silence, and that’s totally fine! However, unless I’m really in The Zone, I find that my thoughts go way faster than my fingers, and in the end, I get too stressed to even function. My subconscious gets the better of me, and in the end, my work, and my mental health, suffers because of it. Therefore, often I turn to music to help keep my mind chatter to a minimum, and to keep my focus sharp. Music is awesome that way; there is a unique type for every sort of mood you are feeling. If you need something relaxing, there’s a playlist for that. If you need hardcore screamo, there’s a playlist for that. If you need orchestral, or lyrical, or dubstep, or chillstep, there is a freaking playlist for that. Music is incredibly influential, and often I find that my mood mirrors whatever I’m listening to. Using music to impact and manipulate your writing is a great way to push past blocks, fears, and crippling doubt. Need a confidence booster? I’ll bet there’s a playlist for that.

9) EAT. Seriously. When was the last time you fed your body? And no, I don’t mean with ichiban noodles, nutrigrain bars, and candy. When was the last time you put ACTUAL food into your belly? AKA protein, nutrients, healthy sugars, and non-lethal doses of sodium? When was the last time you drank something besides coffee and energy drinks? If you honestly can’t remember, stop reading this blog, go and grab a cup of water, and don’t sit back down till you drank it all. I mean it.

10) You are going to hate me for this, but exercise. Notice how I left this as the last tip…because it is honestly the last damn resort, the “worst case scenario”, the Plan Z. I’m not a fan of exercise on the best of days, but sometimes, if you are hitting that writer’s block for the umpteenth time, and the end is nowhere in sight, and your frustration is building so high up that it’s about to cave in on itself, then maybe stepping away from the danger zone and getting fresh air IS actually a good idea. Stop breathing in recycled air, and go out to where the elements are not man-made. Get the blood flowing, the heart pumping, and blast that music so loud that thinking about your book is next to impossible. Give your brain a moment to think about something else. Trust me, it’s not cheating to place your attention elsewhere for a couple seconds.  

And there you have it! 10 tips to help you not rip out your hair and ram pencils into your eyeballs. Like I said before, not all these will work for you, nor should they (don’t forget, #5 is only in absolutely dire circumstances). During your writing hours, take time to introduce a couple of these into your schedule, and practice them till you find a groove that works well for you. I know your life is already busy, but trust me, your psyche will thank you in the long run!

With that said, I post new blogs (and vlogs, apparently) every Thursday, and if there is anything you’d like me to discuss, feel free to message me on here, or tweet me @ScarletteStone

Until next time,

Happy Writing!