#when you're just getting into it bc everyone else is too
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making a new years post bc i see everyone else doing it 👀
First, thank you everyone for being my friend. Even tho i don't talk to some of you as much as others, just know that you're still in my heart, and that i'm grateful for your existence and that we had a chance to meet :)
Second, thank you everyone for watching me grow this year. i feel like i've grown as both and artist and a writer, even tho i still have some stuff i need to improve on :') you all supported me this year, even tho i've only rlly been here since january. thank you all
i'm putting some stuff under cut bc it's all going to take too long to read lol :'D
people i wanna thank especially:
@gl1tchtrix and @rot-decay-erosion: u two have been some of my go-to people. you guys always make me laugh and i love how you guys make time to match my energy when i'm feeling hyper sometimes. council, your sense of humor will always make me smile and i love constantly stalking checking ur account just to see if you posted. rot, i love being your twin sister on here, and whenever i see you cross my dash i literally scream out in joy. stay sigma, siblings o7
@badp1l0t: hello person i know irl >:] even tho i don't see ur posts often here, i love interacting and having fun with you at school and even out of school. i hope that you will keep on using ur awesome talent to write stories, and that u keep drawing, bc i love seeing ur art. ty for marching my sense of humor, and me, you, and C will always be the golden trio forever :DDD
@thurio-edau and @moonbiine: hello, gramma and father. i love being ur guys' adopted disappointment child (ft gacha life mmv). you guys always make me laugh, and i love bothering u both hehe. blake, i love seeing you freak out over seeing ur gf law and whenever you watch one piece. bin, you are an awesome, skibidi writer, and i love using gen z/alpha terms around you even when you don't get it >:) i secretly like reading some of the reblog convos u have with our other moots. you both are such awesome, sigma rizzlers, no cap <3
and to everyone: i pretty summed everything up i wanted to say above the cut. you guys are quite literally my everything, even if we don't interact as much. i love being a family with you all, and thank you making 2024 enjoyable <33
@fandomgirl002 @6loganfields9 @rain-bowxx @youngjusticerulez @railway323 @biscu1ts @d011zk1ll @junebug99 @copperzipper @anonymoosen @cigarettestress @lavendermoon48 @the-artist-07 @panikbutt0n @ohquail @elswif @carolwif @tylerhaterx3 @fly-in-amber @papahunter @liyaauhr @catacombbee @moonbiine @brainrot-goes-brrrrrr @elianaiscool @blue-eyed-moon-child @random-gamer1942 @wry-j @karmaajr @kalcium-yippee @iifoundjoy @piigeonss @catladymasterofsqirl @arcaneafterhours @womp-womp-waa @certifiedl0serloll @whatsuplin @niredsw @zxn3 @shuutingstar @22-b @cherie-soup @sol-loves-you @primalmagic @tsukikitty @rinisasnaillle @avery-043009
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I have completely reverted back into my teenage years. Like yes, this niche thing I like will be ruined if more ppl get into it
#the pyre#“gatekeepers wanting their favorite artists to stay poor bc they don't want them to get popular”#you got me I actually do not want ppl on tiktok to overplay their songs for a week and then turn around and judge ppl when they still liste#to them bc “the trends over”#I actually do not think you appreciate art like me and all the ppl who stay in these fandom bc they genuinely love the source material#when you're just getting into it bc everyone else is too#when I was in ms I didn't understand why older ppl in fandoms would constantly hate on younger fans#but then I got older and realized why: it's bc yall have no decorum
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If you want to be bothered. Maybe this for dick and Bruce???
i ALWAYS want to be bothered these are always the highlight of my day tbh you're a delight for letting me just yap <3
Dick. For the canon isn't real square I am Specifically talking about the Tom Taylor Nightwing run. Usually I ignore bad runs but given this one is ongoing (though about to end THANK GOD and get replaced by Dan Watters who i have high hopes for since i adored his Sword of Azrael (2022) run but i digress) so I counted it. Especially since it's so debated if that run is bad or not, for some reason. I'm a 90s Nightwing truther. I love Dick so dearly and tbh recently I've been more enamored with him the more I read his Discowing era, I didn't used to be as big of a Dick stan as I am these days.
Bruce. Honestly where do you even start with Bruce. I want to fist fight him and also patch him up. He got me into comics and superheroes as a whole but I roll my eyes whenever he shows up in a story. He's a bastard and usually not a good father but also complex and should be dissected under a magnifying glass. I love him dearly. He's also just the worst. I think that's why I love him. I'm always a fan of unabashedly Complicated Asshole Bruce who's generally not always the best person, particularly not to the Batfamily and that being the driving force of his relationships with them, especially in shipping.
And for bonus points, Tim. Because know above all else, I'm a Tim Drake kinnie /deg. He's been my number one for a decade and I've yet to uproot him from my brain. He's literally the Worst half the time and I love him for it. And the canon isn't real refers to Tim Drake: Robin because... that sure was a comic. And that's about all I can say about it. Pre-Flashpoint Tim I miss you so dearly. I think it's fun that I want to put him in a blender and drink the juice but also want Nothing Ever to happen to him.
#necrotic answerings#batcest#bruce wayne#dick grayson#tim drake#fandom tag#anyway the fandom is i guess mean to all of them#but like it's deserving.#everytime i meet a tim anti i'm like you're SO right. he's the worst. pls hate his ass more.#same with bruce. like never met a bruce anti who didn't have endless receipts for hating his ass.#(except for those using the shallow 'he's a billionaire beating up the mentally ill' argument which. i ignore)#(bc why are you. consuming superhero content if you just don't like or understand the genre. it's lazy pseudointellectual nonsense.)#and i don't think ppl are truly mean to dick. i think they just don't understand him.#which extends to the entire batfamily bc well. the state of the fandom and all.#like “everyone else is wrong about them” isn't in a “no one gets them but me” way#(except about tim truly no one gets him but me /j)#it's in a “oh y'all just want to fit them into neat boxes don't you” way#one more person call dick grayson “eldest daughter core” and i'm going to your house and eating the stuffing out all of your pillows.#first of all can we stop calling male characters “female coded” in any way please#women exist in comics too.#second of all it's just not true? and it's not the complex he has with bruce nor his “siblings” if you wish to call them that#and then bruce. where do you even start.#you dare say you think it's in character for bruce to hit his kids and *SOCIETY. society goes wild.*#like ofc it has to be in specific contexts. he's not just swinging.#and sometimes it *is* written very OOC bc bruce is written as a machismo self insert i give you that#but yeah a soldier who views his children as soldiers and has zero healthy emotional regulation or communication skills#is gonna sometimes swing in his worst moments. it is just how the superhero genre works everyone is gonna fist fight to solve problems.#why are you reading comics about ppl who hit other ppl for a living if you don't like it when they hit ppl.#also random hot take about dick's characterization#the young justice tv show did incredible damage to ppl's perception of him and i dislike the take it's the best adaptation of him
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sam had a boner here
#like that's sam. you just described sam. dean shoots down the point in a sec#bc he full heartedly respects it. he respects when you're rebelling against an objective bad even if its ur upbringing#when he can get his feelings aside he speaks to sam about how proud he is that he seeked to not conform that he was right#dean in instances established he thinks hunting is terrible. but its his life and an eventuality for him he ultimately has to embrace#but he needs sam he wants sam to be around he knows he cant get out of conforming and though he'd advocate for anyone else not to#sam is the exception. he respects sam trying to get away from hunting he'd extremely encourage it if it was anyone else. just about everyon#but not sam. bc while the act is right he himself is the problem. dean can't get out and he cant possibly be without sam#so if dean is doomed sam will be doomed too for the mere fact that he's the one dean chooses and the one he cant let go of#hell he tried to stop their mom from hunting forget adam and those others he knows its a fucking death sentence but dean DRAGGED sam into i#even though on a need-to-protect hierarchical order sam is at the further top it should be he's the one dean keeps from hunting the most#but it's the other way around#samdean#spn#sam winchester#dean winchester#spn meta in tags lmfao#mine
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everything you see ab being the oldest daughter is true btw why am i the family therapist AND punching bag smh
long ass depressing rant in the tags srry i got a wee bit emotional
#my dad has something going on where there's a ringing in his ear my mom has tendonitis and neck pain now#and i feel for both of them i'm goin to cvs to get the meds giving my mom massages every night talking to my dad to distract him#they're both going to the correct doctors#but just throwing it out there i have had tendonitis and chronic upper back pain for 5-6 years and no one gave a shit most i've gotten is#jokes that i'm faking it#i'm in physical therapy for my back NOW but that's bc i finally crawled out of the depression long enough to do it myself#which is fine whatever i'm 22 i should be the one making my own appointments and it'd be weird if i wasn't#but when i was 16 or 17???#being hospitalized for STRESS HEADACHES at 14 too???#who gets hospitalized for that shit and how were my parents not concerned that i at the age of 14 was#so stressed out that my head was pounding all the time#and bc i'm the third parent who has to be the only emotional safe space#i don't say anything if my sisters are rude to me bc at least they feel safe enough around me to be rude to me#i have to listen to everyone and their momma's problems#i'm in law school!!! i do not need this i'm anxious all the time!!!#and if i'm not anxious i'm depressed!!!#my therapist point blank tells me shit like 'you're incredibly lonely' or 'you have way too much on your shoulders' and it makes me CRY#the most basic fucking observations that i KNOW but hearing someone else acknowledge it and not berate me fucking sends me into TEARS#i get messages from online friends here like 'hey i saw your post you don't deserve that' i physically cannot keep my eyes dry!!#every time i have any interaction ever i am at least a little uncomfortable bc i am always trying so hard to make sure i come off as kind#and not awkward or mean#i feel like everyone around me was given some kind of how to manual on life that i wasn't#and i KNOW this is not unique tons and tons of people feel like this#i know this is the depression and the anxiety and the possible autism i'm well aware#but then every couple of days my mom gets the brilliant idea to tell me i'm rude or lazy or whatever and i lose my shit#i just wanna sleep and write fanfics in the nicest way possible i hate everyone#i will try my best to not be mean to anyone bc no one deserves it but i am angry and i am constantly feeling the hurt of my inner child#my MOTHER threw a hardcover book at my HEAD when i was ten bc i had been reading and hid the book under the pillow#what the actual fuck????#my dad's response to any and everything is to deal with it
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Twitter getting obsessed with conspiracy theories about where redacted is makes me feel so fucking terrible when there is so much worse going on that people are literally begging you to pay attention to but instead you want to focus on scenarios you made up in your head and play true crime detective
#i saw five hundred women tweeting things like i am going to sound soo crazy at work talking about this 🤣🤣#you need to get the fuck off of twitter number one#ik i sound like i am on twitter too much but i genuinely have just been clicking on what's trending these past few days i have been sick#and its like yes the royal family sucks for five thousand reasons but there are actual atrocities happening right in front of our eyes#that are not a fucking mystery and you guys would rather think of literally anything else#based off of nothing. like i have been a billion tweets the past few days confidently listing off scenarios they know have happened to her#like yay you're so true crime you figured it out and its not even like these people care about women's well being either bc i saw all...#...kinds of nasty shit said about her when she said she was sick in the first place and all kinds of bad comments about how sick pregnancy.#...makes her feel so obviously on the most basic level you don't care about women to act like you now have a narrative from a true crime...#...podcast to project to someone. like you guys will get so distracted by anything#don't get me started on the oscars#everything feels so fucking bleak lately i also don't know how stuff like the election doesn't make everyone feel like they're losing it#like yeah the guy in the movie that's supposed to be about being a girl sang a little song does no one realize how all they're talking...#...about is the guy yet#wait no they're more worried about a bad photoshop than the massive amount of pictures of dead people my bad
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ppl always say that autistics don't get jokes but honestly when has a neurotypical person ever clocked the fact that I've told a clearly telegraphed joke like. I'm the one who takes everything too seriously?
#like one time i was playing mario party with some (ex)friends#and someone said something abt 'i should be winning bc im playing as a princess' clearly joking right#so i tried to add on with a CLEARLY joking voice like 'um acktually im playing a GODDESS so'#like i was clearly talking in a dumb voice for the joke#and everyone was like 'don't be like that dude you're being too egotistical abt this :/' LIKE WHERE WAS I BEING SERIOUS THERE#ALSO. I DID NOT START THAT JOKE??? AND I WAS IN *THIRD PLACE* LIKE I WASN'T GETTING A FUCKING EGO WHAT???#anyway i don't talk to any of those people anymore bc they did this on multiple occasions#like can. can we PLEASE learn how to do a 'yes and'#everyone else would get to participate with jokes! but when i tried i was 'getting too serious abt it' TELL ME WHERE THAT SOUNDED SERIOUS#but nooooo autistic people don't KNOW how to be funny right!!!!#shut up im the most hilarious person in the room you all just hate disabled ppl#(they did. they did hate disabled ppl. once i started getting too physically disabled leave my house they all ghosted me)#like i was like 'hey can we maybe hang out at my place since i can't leave my bed much'#and would either be told 'no i don't feel like hanging out today' (when they were talking abt plans to hang out already??)#or 'sorry i don't like ur apartment for (arbitrary reason)'#and they were arbitrary reasons bc they were fine with other friends' houses that had the same 'problems'#and like they'd just constantly tell me to my face that i was boring or awkward to be around#like maybe I'm boring bc you make an effort not to include me ever so i never know what's going on?#and like. it's not like they ever made an effort to learn abt us. when we tried and tried so many times to come out abt things#we'd literally get no response then get our messages steamrolled by a new conversation hours later#and ppl would be like 'i didn't see those!' YOU were the one who spammed my messages out of the chat dude
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you ever go into a tag for a show or whatever and find several painstakingly created gif sets from interviews with the actors where they're just like. fully mocking fans? talking about them like they're the most despicable thing on this earth kind of bitter mocking. and on the one hand you're like, okay, i get it, fans can really be shit and get overly parasocial and think you owe them something beyond the work you created but on the other it's like. bro this makes me not want to engage with anything you do at all. ever. you don't have to sing your fans praises but you can do them the basic courtesy of professionalism and not ridiculing the entirety of everyone who both engages with your creative work and whose interest ultimately results in your paycheck.
#dan talks#dont expect this to breach containment but just in case locking it up#bcs there are like a million people out there who'll misconstrue what i said in a complaint post#theres just this air sometimes in fandom where actors etc go beyond boundary setting and into fanbase mockery#where ure supposed to nod along and mock as well bcs haha stupid fans but the whole time youre aware it includes u as well#ik this is a complex topic and a lot of stuff leads to creators getting bitter towards their fans#but oscillating between 'we love u give us money <3' and outright mockery just sits rly badly w me#creators i really love have started doing it too the last few months and its excruciating#to be clear i dont rly engage w anyone's private life ever and im lurker extraordinaire#i rarely know the actors' name much less care to watch their interviews and stuff thats meant to like give u a sense of peeking into#their private lives#and i have to assume those interviews are mandated?? so sometimes they provoke reactions not of their own volition and are thus bitter#idk lots of thoughts#i get it i rly do they're people too who get annoyed and do mean jokes about it like everyone else#but it gets a whole dif dimension when those mean jokes are public and get back to people they're said about#who are often not even the ones who did anything#the internet is not the privacy of ur friend group!! rules go both ways#managing your frustrations about being public and keeping to professionalism when you're online is a huge part of that job#you're a person too both means 'gtfo out of my house youre not my friend' and treating your job like it's a job and not a living room#gossip circle#maybe thats the thing??? that the comfort of a certain environment blurs the lines between professional and friend chat#just feel sad for those gif makers bro don't spend care and time on words that explicitly ridicule you#ok that's it for today thank you for tuning into dan central
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#so that dotd rewrite is out and i have some thoughts on it but i wouldn't know where to put them.. maybe in here bc i don't actually feel -#- like making a whole ass text post. this is coming from me as criticism and not hate.. just some crit from one fan to another if you get m#SPOILERS AHEAD >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>#first off props to the team because this was obv a labor of love - 4 and a half years to make a feature long fan movie is hard work#and the animated stuff was a really nice touch and very commendable - you don't see them too often in big fanworks#in terms of the story well.. there are some things i like and some things that i don't (personally) again no hate#i'm aware this is a rewrite and boy howdy it IS a rewrite - though i am a bit sad that percy doesn't end up being the protagonist and it's#- thomas that has to play hero again.. like i kinda get it but what made the original dotd stand out was that percy was given the spotlight#so i spent an ungodly amount of time wondering when percy was gonna take charge or step into the main story to resolve the problem.. sigh#i liked that they tried to give norman more of a character bc a lot of characters do often get neglected in the series but it was kind of -#- hard to sell that for me? the twist in this rewrite was very creative and i do appreciate it but i guess it just ain't for me#“different” is ok and this is just one of many fan rewrites for this particular story#if there was something i enjoyed.. i guess the beginning was still kind of exciting because the set up was honestly like hype a bit#i liked that diesel and d10 actually got to interact face to face and there are clearer dynamics established for the diesels#and also. silverband's performances as d10 will always be fun he does a fantastic job voicing him (how d10 stole xmas will still be my fav)#my criticisms for this movie also derive from the pacing and the voice acting - i found it hard to try and understand tones sometimes -#- because the delivery felt so off.. like don't get me wrong not everyone in the fandom is a voice actor but if we're using static faces -#- for these fan works the delivery has to be a little more clear or else it'll sound like you're reading from a script.. sorry yall :"|#for the pacing i found it a bit hard to parse when some things were going on and how fast things were progressing#as well as the crashes.. that's also another thing bc i couldn't tell bc of the sfx and audio balancing - it could be better..#i wanna say. muffled voices do not substitute for a “far away”/off-screen voice bc i still can't hear it :“|#there were a lot of throwbacks and references to older thomas media/movies but some of them felt a little.. much?#if this is a dotd rewrite why are we getting some parallels with tatmr.. but i digress. at least they made diesel beef with duck a bit#there's a lot more i could say but i'm keeping those to myself. at the end of the day this fan movie was hard work for everyone involved#and you can tell some of the folks were having fun in there - props to them! i'm always glad to see more fan works in the community#we've come so far we're making feature length fan stories and rewrites that's crazy! i hope to see more in the future#fauxtrainpost.txt
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"i know we shouldn't be killing rhea and i personally am against it and my gut tells me this is wrong but i'll do it anyway because nobody else uses logic on this route anyway!"
#DCB Three Hopes Run#this is no thoughts head empty route so she's just going to blindly trust claude who has faced plenty of pushback#for his decisions and go ahead with helping him and the others kill rhea for reasons they have zero and sometimes negative evidence of#like rly why wouldn't she just be like hmm I don't agree with this can I sit this one out. nope she's gonna get involved anyway#it would've been more interesting if marianne disagreed and grew backbone and sided with the church instead#they try to write the routes as like... everyone is happy with their leader (unless you're dimitri#bc then felix gets to talk shit for half the game in houses and ppl ate it up like pie)#and they don't ask questions. when they do ask questions it's a brief answer that just shoots it down#even lorenz in gw saying they should just leave edelgard for dead was ignored#for all the proper reasoning he gave everyone else just went lol you're like (edelgard or claude depending on your choice)!!!#and then went on about the uwu classmate thing (even tho they didn't rly even know each other at all in this game as classmates#and by the timeline edelgard left the monastery before even the lions so she was around them the least amount of time)#like... actual reasoning in this game gets shot down so fast so it's no wonder marianne didn't actually DO anything#and didn't stick by her actual feelings/beliefs but it's still annoying that she didn't#maybe it would've made claude and friends think twice abt the whole thing if they had to cut marianne down too#for refusing to go along with it bc she she didn't believe it was the right thing to do
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Thinking of Ravengard Ward AU where things proceed to the point of the events of the game with several results:
Levi, convinced by Gortash fighting off Bhaal is only possible with the Crown of Karsus and growing desperate with every day (as Bhaal pushes to control him with growing force), ventures into Mephistar to steal it from Mephistopheles.
While he is gone Ravengard goes to Elturel and, as Elturel falls to Avernus, descends there too. Duke's second son Wyll, an aspiring ranger, ventures into Hells alongside with counselor Florrick in a quest to find Ulder Ravengard. Levi returns from Mephistar to find all of his family gone. He wants to rush after them to Avernus, but Bhaal's hold on him is getting worse with everyday, and he's running out of time. He hopes his brother and Florrick know what they're doing.
With Ravengard missing and Florrick out of the city, Enver Gortash conspires to have proclaim the duke dead, making Leviathan Ravengard his heir and successor.
The Absolute Plan is set into motion, with only one god (Myrkul) involved. Levi and Gortash are forced to work with Ketheric bc the illithid colony is literally Under His House. Levi plans to betray the man and clean the shadow-cursed lands because this is what Jaheira and the harpers would have wanted. He when plans to use the newly gained with Absolute power to destroy Bhaal, Bane and Myrkul in one go. Gortash plans to obtain the power alike gods without any restrictions gods are forced under.
The first illithid-infected people start to appear. Jaheira and Minsc go to investigate, Minsc gets infected. Levi plans to use him as a leverage against Jaheira and Wyll if (then) they will disagree with his plans.
The incoming wedding of Duke Leviathan Ravengard and Lord Enver Gortash is announced. Lord Gortash is then going to be proclaimed the first Archduke of Baldur's Gate, with his husband's full support.
Wyll and Florrick meet Karlach and team up with her. Wyll is horrified to find out the guy who is dating his older brother sold Karlach to the deviless. Together they find Duke Ravengard and hijack the nautiloid.
The following (with all the in-game steps) events are:
Wyll and the team (Wyll is the leader) reach BG just in time to be informed of the passed wedding and the incoming inauguration of Lord Gortash.
They are horrified what has happened to the city in their absence. Ravengard, Wyll and Jaheira try to talk sense into Levi, Levi argues back what none of them know what it's like to have the God of Murder in their head all the time. What Bhaal was showing him more things these days, what he knows his destiny - he is a pureblood bhaalspawn, made out of Bhaal's dead flesh, he is destined to destroy the world. He is trying to convince them this is the only way he can do it, what this way he can destroy all gods for good, his Father included. What with the power the stones and Absolute gives them, he and Gortash can become new gods, can change the very rules of the universe - and wouldn't it be great?
The huge argument follows and Levi storms out, angry.
The next time they see him is at the inauguration, when, instead of proclaiming Gorash the new Archduke, Levi murders everyone but Gortash (who by this point is used to his husband's murder sprees and is successfully defended by Steel Watch) in the Hall.
Wyll and co walk into the Hall, expecting confrontation, but finding Levi in a pool of blood as Gortash tries to make him come out of the stupor.
Levi raises a desperate gaze at his brother and says: "Don't you see? It's getting worse. Bhaal is so angry. This is the only way. Why can't you see? Why no one but Enver can see it?!"
#dark urge: levi#ravengard ward au#durgetash#i love how this au in some ways is better#but in some ways is even worse#Levi is one of the Big Bad#his main motivation is getting free from Bhaal and not killing Ulder Wyll Florrick Jaheira Minsc and Gortash#everyone else can burn in hell for all he cares about#Enver Gortash is living his best life manipulating and malewifing his way into very questionable not exactly godhood#his husband growing more apeshit with everyday is unexpectedly upsetting tho#and ketheric died too early it freed brain from the part of the command#he KNEW they shouldn't have involved him at all#they could've done it just the two of them#he eventually plans to venture into mephisto's vault again but at this point he frantically researches all the way they can erase bhaal#from the existence bc fuck this levi is HIS. No gods are allowed between them#at some point levi stopped being a ladder to greatness and become important and gortash missed when this moment was#meanwhile tadpoled minsc is fighting bhaalists bc Levi ordered him to#Levi is like “you're a known enemy of Bhaal. Let's put it to good use”#he legit sent poor minsc to find a way to the temple of bhaal and find a way inside#also Orin is getting apeshit around the city too just for the sake of it and bc dad said so#Levi doesn't like it but he knows confronting his sister and killing her will make him into Abdel 2.0.#meaning either he will die in the fight or Bhaal will turn him into his meat puppet when Orin drops dead#so he'll send jaheira and co after her trail of dead bodies too#Karlach: Gortash is Evil!#Wyll and Ravengard: yeah we know. He is married to our Levi tho.#Karlach: 'your Levi' just killed everyone in this room but the only man I actually want to see dead!#Jaheira: it it's of any conciliation he doesn't look happy about it. Neither does Gortash
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nothing more relaxing than like acting out a play in my room alone
#idk what it is about walking around in someone else's trauma for a little while but it just takes the pressure out#maybe it's bc it's easy 2 get a handle on it bc it hasn't happened 2 you. it gives u a sense of detached mastery that you don't have#over your own life#like you're analyzing + focused on convincing in your portrayal of something. + u can also change the performance to make it#more believable or impactful too. there's that control over the words‚ the implied experiences‚ and then also the superficial thoughts#that war with the words + give a sense of direction#it's like... so freeing to be able to control all those things in someone else's trauma#cause like when awful things are happening in my life i can't change my point of view. i'm stuck with the thoughts that i have#+ the sympathies that i have + the shame i have + if something really important to me goes wrong then i can't control what i think#or feel. no matter how hard i try the outcome can't change. but acting like someone else + piecing their emotions together#just gives me back that sense of control.#i've been walking around for a while afraid that everyone could see my surface-level thoughts on my face + that they were being#misinterpreted. proving to myself that i can control those thoughts is good on one hand + bad on the other where i then#lose confidence in my authentic self's ability to walk around in the world. i guess i'll have 2 think about it some more.#i was figuring things out a bit in my own way. i think i'd still prefer that lol.#also when i think about my worst moments‚ they're rough for years because i wasn't able to be authentic at all. and all that was#punished in ways that were traumatic. i don't really want these bad moments to define my life so maybe it's better to just take these#experiences on the chin + let the terror inside of me exist‚ palatable or not
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I think deliberately ignoring and spurning any attempts friends make to speak to you and then claiming no one cares about you when they move on isn't depression babe, thats you being a cunt. hope this helps
#Not about anyone here#I have friends off the internet#And some of them are fucking annoying#'everyone always abandons me' okay babe you made it LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO BE THERE FOR YOU#Like we attempted to involve you in every plan and that became Overwhelming#So then we stopped inviting you to everything and you complained that we were excluding you from certain things#You muted the gc and got mad at us for @ing you and then cried about us not @ing you for shit#We eventually all stopped trying to coax you out of your little 'depression' hole bc nothing was ever correct or good enough#And yeah we were all a little over wallowing w u and like sorry if that's shitty!!!!#Some of us just literally cannot be in that hole with you without falling back into our own fucking hole#So yeah we fucking moved on and stopped reaching out#The thing is even if it started as depression it became something else and if ur not going to get help for that#U actually cannot expect ur friends to keep trying and trying and trying like that's honestly too much#Like yes it's important to have support but the expectation for your friends to keep fucking coddling you and carrying you isn't support#It's enabling#When you're friends reach out you have to reach back and if youre gonna constantly slap their hands away#You actually have zero ground to stand on and cry about them not trying anymore
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shining solo ep 8. my reaction rn 😐😐 took it a bit hard lmao
#tp#very mixed feelings. as someone who associates herself with jeongwoo and having very similar personalities... this ep hurt a lot#idk idk#i mean i get it but i also absolutely do not get it#so many thoughts im taking this very personally what the heck#i cant really warm up to half of this part's girlies im sorry#i loved everyone on part one#as someone who also struggles with managing my social energy lvls... this was a slap in the face#bc my boy jeongwoo truly gave it his ALL the whole day and even managed to perform a couple songs for the girls#despite already having spent the whole day together#and his energy must have been SPENT already and then they pick him as MVP of the day and he has that 1:5 date with all of the girls#by himself!! which is so terrifying imagine being the one person who everyone's attention is on and you have to interact with these ppl#that you arent very comfortable with but you still try your best to give them a good time#AND THEN!! they give you NOTHING in return?? not even a recorder?? no jewel no recording nothing. just ignored like that by everyone#and i get that the girls dont know who's voting for who so they might have believed someone else was gonna give him a jewel or sth#but no one gives him anything (positive OR negative)#and yeah. he was absolutely shocked at the empty safe. i would have been too.#and why did they not give him a jewel y'all might ask??? IT WAS BC HE FELL SILENT DURING THE LAST BIT: THE DINNER#my gosh that's the part that i take offense to personally bc it's really really really difficult to always engage in convos with ppl#after spending the whole day with them already?? and your social battery is down so you quietly enjoy a simple meal??#and then all the girlies threw him away like that??#i mean yeah you're surrounded by sweet men who spend the day appealing themselves to you but come on??#i would have been so impressed by jeongwoo and thankful that he put that much effort in and would understand how difficult it is to#maintain it till the very end because not everyone has hyunsuk's boundless social energy#no offense hyunsuk i love you dearly#and also??? what's up with admitting that you lack some confidence upfront??#the girl's reasoning for giving yoshi the voice recorder was that he said he holds himself to a high standard and lacks confidence sometimes#and i get it. being confident is more attractive than someone who's always insecure and puts themselves down#(and makes the other person uncomfortable) but they were having an honest and deep convo when the thing he said in that convo was used#against him in the end? i would feel kind of betrayed too bc being able to admit that you feel insecure sometimes is a v brave thing to do!!
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why do i ever assume my family communicates i KNOW they don't why do i ALWAYS fall for this
#this is mostly /lh i promise just#my mother texted me yesterday about coming over Saturday not Sunday to watch go2#and asked if I'd be driving my sister over again (bc im practicing driving stick shift in my sister's car)#so i THOUGHT 'oh clearly she asked my sister too bc my sister ALSO sometimes works Saturdays!#and if she wanted to change the day we agreed on last week then SURLY she MUST have texted everyone who was part of the plan!!!'#i was wrong#i texted my sister to tell her 'hey call me when you're oyw so I'll wake up' and my sister. of course. DIDN'T KNOW#ABOUT THE DAY CHANGE#and she actually DOES work today (unlike me who does not which was my mom's og question)#so she CAN'T do it today#but my mom DIDN'T ASK HER#so now i texted my mom and am waiting for her to wake up and reply#bc our options are 1. hope it rains (bc my sister can't work in the rain so if it rains she gets off work)#or 2. everyone is going to be awake until 1-2am to watch the show bc it's 5-6hours long and we won't get there until like 6pm#or you know option 3. we just stick with the og plan of Sunday#but ill give my mom the options bc idc either way i have to be awake so night anyway#but everyone else watching Doesn't do they're opinions do matter here#anyway#I'm just so tired#this happens EVERY SINGLE TIME we make plans!!!#someone wants to make a change and asks one person and then that person assumes they also checked with everyone else#and they NEVER!!! DO!!!!!!#shh ac
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i can't find the post now so maybe i've made it up entirely, who's to say, but i feel like i remember seeing a post about saccharina saying that she expects too much for the rest of the Rocks to treat her like family, but now that i'm actually watching the season, dude, she says multiple times that she doesn't care if they treat her like Family, she really just wants them to be decent to her and they refuse to even grant her that much
#N posts stuff#like the big confrontation i'm at now is bc Saccharina made a move to Help Ruby in this fight and then when she mentions it verbally#Ruby responds to that by entertaining the notion of shoving Saccharina off a cliff bc it pisses her off so much to acknowledge that#<- that's not Saccharina demanding everyone play 'happy family' that's her helping an ally and getting spit on for it#if Ruby and Amathar don't want to interface with Saccharina as family they shouldn't have to; but that doesn't mean that they get#to shit on HER for representing obligation they don't want; they could Just Be Civil to her instead#and ruby saying 'you can be my sister or my queen but you can't have both' when saccharina has Reiterated that she doesn't even Want#to be a queen is like. again i get where Ruby is coming from this is not a bash on her emotional state so much as it is an attempt#to comment on fan Reactions to the dynamics here - ruby is Putting saccharina in a dichotomy she does not want to be in and is#Projecting a dynamic that does not inherently exist; saccharina wasn't looking for a sister in that moment she was just asking for#an Acknowledgement of her efforts and asking someone else to give her some effort back; the way any teammate would want#and yeah when ruby comes up to her and doesn't apologize just says 'you're asking too much of me' i don't think saccharina saying#'hey i get that but i was truly Excited to meet you' is a demand for sisterhood; it's just 'i was really excited to meet you#and instead of being nice you're Just constantly shitting on me' -> that's a comment on why She's so fucked up about ruby's harshness#not a demand for ruby to start liking her; do you see what i mean? like am I making sense here? lol#i mean i still have a few eps left maybe there's still some conversations i haven't seen yet but. you know
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