#when will i internalize this? when will i relearn that i am a good person? i'm ready to start i think

[galindathegay]

M

M-maybe... Maybe the people who convinced me that I was a bad friend

were the bad friends themselves...?????

[stariikis]

ni-ki as your study date •｡ꪆৎ ˚⋅

synopsis ; the price you paid for choosing an athletic boyfriend over an academic one? no practical help when you're drowning in mysterious equations and symbols. but at least he's good at comforting the perfectionist in you.

pairing ; athletic!nishimura riki x academic achiever!reader genre ; fluff, established rs wc ; 802 warnings n notes ; dear readers, these two are mentally suffering because one doesn't care and the other cares too much! trigger warning, bio phys chem and math mentioned..

“-And during PE we played badminton, and Jake hyung was soooo bad today. He kept trying to smash but missed the shuttlecock.” Beside you, with his “I-swear-I’ll-finish-three-chapters-today” Physics textbook hardly opened to the first page, Riki doesn’t stop rambling about the various sports he’s played today. You’ve heard enough about the goals he scored during an impromptu morning game of football. The way his best friend fumbled during a badminton match. How his legs ache from standing in the sun for hours during baseball training. You’re about to tug him out the cafe by his jersey. 

“Are you going to start your notes or what?” You shove him with a lighthearted tone, barely concealing the exasperation behind your words. “All that talk about wanting to finally get an A but you still keep yapping. About sports, no less.” 

Riki rolls his eyes and mock-salutes in your direction. “Yes, ma’am.” 

Taking a sip of your matcha latte, you sigh resolutely and return to examine various electronic configurations. Perhaps now, Riki will leave you in peace… 

Only five minutes later, you’re snapped out of focus with a sheepish nudge. 

“What’s a moment…” “OH my days Nishimura Riki how can you not know what a moment is that’s like basic physics you’re supposed to have known that since we started chapter TWO.” 

Shrinking under your scoldings, he glances back at his textbook, reads the definition and looks back towards you. “I don’t get it.” 

With another heavy sigh, you scoot closer and attempt to explain as simply as you possibly can. However, he’s deliberately distracting you, with playful caresses through your hair and touches of kisses as smooth as silk on your cheek. You’ve got to be turning a beetroot red, but you ignore the warmth spreading through your cheeks and continue on. 

“Now repeat what I just said to you.” Refusing to give in to his silly antics, you cross your arms and lean back. Swiping the hair his fingers touched, not too long ago, out the way. 

He pouts, knowing him acting cute is your soft spot. “That’s not fair.” 

“Why?” You press, but relent and hunch back over your notes. “You know what, just focus on relearning your balanced forces. Do you remember what the principles of moments even is?” Oh wait, he doesn’t even know what a moment is. The way he blinks once at his textbook and blinks twice your way proves this. 

“At this point, I’m not dead, you’re more cooked than I am. And I am cooked.” 

Gasping scandalously, he whisper shouts, “You’re literally my academic goal, what are you on? I wish I had the motivation you did. Okay, more like I wish I had your grades, but we both know that’s not happening.” 

He gestures to all the bruises he’s obtained over the past week, scratches and wounds that demonstrate how dedicated he is to all the sports he partakes in. They’re his own personal souveniers. Although most fade quickly, some leave scars burning in his skin, but he’s proud of them all even when you express your concern for him. 

He’s always been like that. Dismissive of concerning matters because he enjoys showing people how strong he is. Internally and externally. The complete opposite of him, one Maths question you get wrong and you start questioning the very bane of your existence. 

You fall into silence, looking back at your notes. You have lost track of where Chemistry starts and ends, your paper copy of the periodic table crumpled and defaced from your bursts of frustration. You may not show it, but there’s so much going on in your head it’s hard to escape the fog you’ve mentally put yourself in. With the crazy STEM course you’ve chosen, you know that you’re definitely on the train tracks with a sign pointing towards a crash site. 

Either you shut yourself out and pass with flying colours, or you enjoy life and fail miserably. There’s no in between. Is it so hard to want to maintain a social life and a healthy relationship, while topping your class and achieving high honours? Perhaps it is. 

Noticing your sudden stillness, Riki panics. “You’re stressing out again. Why are you stressing out again? You’re doing well. Well, compared to me. Should I just do bio? Things with numbers are always complicated..” 

You laugh as he looks back at his noteless textbook. 

“Anyway, I think you’re doing just fine.” Riki murmurs, massaging your back with his hand. “Don’t overwork yourself and you’ll be fine. Just like you were, and always will be. Do you want me to test you?” 

“That’d be nice…” You smile, watching his eyes light up a little too eagerly when he closes his textbook. “But you’re just saying that so you don’t have to study anymore, right?”

how life be feeling rn, send prayers

[bobacupcake]

Hi Rob! After the events of last year I was really saddened by what happened with Unity, and haven't checked on it since. It feels like people are talking about Unity like normal again... Did things change back and it's okay to use again, or should I completely scrap my project?

unity walked back some of the changes, main points being

fee is no longer retroactive, only applies to unity 2024 and up

fee only applies to games with over 1 million in revenue over the course of a year, AND 1 million users

fee is now a choice between either self reported downloads, or a flat 2.5% revshare, whichever is lower, over the initial 1 million

ceo resigned

what that means for you is up to you ! most people are still pretty unhappy about the initial breach of trust. for bigger companies this also still means the per-seat cost that they were used to PLUS revshare, so a lot of them are considering switching to unreal since thats just revshare, but, i assume most of us here are not bigger companies, so its really just a case of, what you want to do with it

personally i am sticking with unity because i just cant really afford to learn another engine right now (which would probably be godot since getting away from unity just to go to unreal seems counterproductive for me . also i just dont like using unreal ..) godots also still a bit in its early stages, and this will absolutely change with all the attention its gotten, but again i cant really wait for that to happen.. and while some of my 8years of unity experience will carry over, id have to relearn a lot too and its just not feasible for someone who needs to launch a game like. Last Year

a lot of people still are switching though just because of the initial breach of trust, knowing that something like this could happen Again , jumping off a sinking ship, etc etc . a lot of people have been unhappy with unity for a While, it has a ton of different half-finished systems in place, some of them overlapping with eachother, while people really just want them to iron things out, focus on the structural issues people have when trying to launch a game with unity (unity was actually doing something like this, they were making a whole full fledged game in unity internally and going to release it as an example project. it got cancelled because they ran into structural issues trying to launch a game with unity . )

SO, basically . long story short its complicated . a lot of the initial issues got reversed, but the fact that they thought it was a good idea in the first place reveals larger issues that are going to take a while to address and build back trust of developers again . do what you feel is best for you. i Want off the unity ship but for me its going to have to be when im in a more stable place to actually do that... some day i hope to try out godot

[samuel-star]

Disability isn't "adult".

The fact of the matter is that, even though they would just love to deny it, able-bodied people think that disability is a sign of your age. They avoid acknowledging any sign that a child could have a physical disability, even if it is screaming in their face. An 8 year old is in pain after failing the pacer test and complains that they have shin splints, the bridges of their feet hurt, they feel dizzy. And their able-bodied PE teacher tells them, "that means you don't run enough, those things will go away if you work out more often." And that child will believe them. That kid will internalize that. "All of this pain I feel is my fault. I run around the playground with my friends, but maybe it's because I sit down more often than them. If my shins hurt when I run, but running will get rid of that pain, what am I supposed to do?"

And it takes years of assuming that all of this pain was normal, everyone would experience this if they were lazy, for them to finally go to the doctor. Years of avoidable pain. Years of feeling lazy. And that kid, the child that never learned that the pain could've been relieved, will never forgive those teachers. And those teachers won't give a shit. Of course they won't, why would they? They told a child that they were normal, told a kid that it's something that can be fixed easily with the very exercise that hurts them, that teacher was clearly in the right. Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. A connective tissue disorder that explained everything that they had experienced, down to the smallest thing, even the constant joint popping every time they move. The shooting pains that they would get in a random joint for weeks on end which would randomly just dissipate.

At this point, I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I wish I could go back, tell that kid that he should tell his mom about the pain in the bridges of his feet. Something that would've helped me in the long run. Maybe I should've told my doctor about my "zombie foot", where I turned my leg 180 degrees around while standing in place.

Because of those teachers, I have to relearn my own limits, understand that if I'm in pain and there's a way to relieve some of it, fucking do it! I know that I've grown as a person since I learned about my disability, but now I'm seeing the rage I never released and I wish I had half as filthy a vocabulary when I was in 3rd grade as I do now! Even just a good "fuck off" would be nice. Knowing that I didn't just take what they were saying as fact. For anyone who read through all of this, you're fucking awesome, and there isn't a person who deserves chronic pain. Nobody "deserves" it. No one is "at fault" for a chronic disability. I'm not disabled because I'm lazy. I have to rest and heal because I'm disabled. Because I'm human!

I'm going to use my wheelchair in public because I know that my hips stop hurting when I use it. I'm going to sit down if my feet hurt because I know there might be less pain later if I take care of myself. Self care shouldn't be something you shame people for, and to anyone who thinks that the validity of my disability depends on how much pain I'm in, fuck you. Fuck you, go learn basic human empathy and get back to me with an apology. I have nothing to prove to strangers, I'm living my life to the best of my abilities, and that means using my wheelchair. Thank you guys for reading, have a fucking awesome day, and drink some water.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Not sure if you still do writing advice. If so I have a question:

Other than the true but vague quote “read,read, write, write.” as a response to how to get better as a writer do you have any specific tips on how to learn craft? Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hmm... I mean, it's hard to give advice that is more specific when I don't know you/your writing process, so my instinct is really that "vague" write write write idea. I have a playlist of writing advice that gets pretty niche at times if you haven't seen all these vids (there are 38 of them HERE, lots of specific techniques). Otherwise, it's difficult to tell someone how to learn craft without knowing you personally because craft isn't something that can really just be taught in a blanket way. Get involved with other writers if you can, participate in a workshop with others if that's something you can do (there are lots of online writing groups on discord for example where workshopping is a part of it), take a look at the writing you really genuinely love and emulate parts of it (NOT copying, this is an exercise in understanding what techniques create what results).

In general I'm not under the belief that any one kind of advice can help someone learn craft because the writing process is so extremely tailored, so with that in mind, I think my suggestions are more broad as a means for you to discover your own process: find your literary godmothers & study them, write things that make you genuinely excited (and see if you can tell why they excite you), practice self-compassion as you draft and learn, find your comfort zone and then see what you can comfortably do to expand it (even in tiny ways), take a look at work you've written and enjoyed and analyze those moments for technique... Not sure I can get more specific than that though and even these things might not help everyone.

I mean, I could say "focus on specificity in nouns & verbs, be aware of rhythm, and don't shy away from exposition" for a prose level, but this kind of advice is so specific it almost becomes vague in itself because it doesn't always apply. I'm hesitant to give advice like that because it suggests there are certain techniques used to create "good" writing but writing isn't about techniques compiled together, it's a sort of culminative practice that develops over time and is extremely personal. This is why I think my inclination is that "vague" advice because really learning to persevere in your process and learn/relearn over and over again is just kind of what writing is. IMO! I also don't really view writing advice as advice anymore really, but more writing theory that you may or may not want to follow.

There's not one single specific piece of writing advice that's ever helped me learn craft, though I know why writers gravitate toward that when looking to improve (because same!). I also struggle with this idea of specific advice because I didn't really actively look to improve my craft, that just sort of came with time because I started so young, so I perhaps don't have the correct perspective, so if others do, feel free to weigh in!

The most specific things I did to improve my own craft if this helps: find writing I am genuinely excited about & use those techniques where applicable, become a poet & read a lot of poetry, see how to utilize all the techniques they tell you not to use, focus on impact of vocabulary rather than the vocabulary itself, learn how to write sex scenes/and their narrative purposes, push through sticky moments in drafting instead of dwelling, be guided through a story while holding an overarching intent, dismantle internal westernized views of "writing craft," write a LOT. Specific to me, but some ideas.

[blueringbeetle]

Loving comes easily to me and I’m honestly seething with rage that it is a piece of me that was almost completely killed. I know I would’ve gone with it.

I love picking flowers and taping them into my sketchbook, I love drawing things I’ll never think about again purely because I love the act of drawing, I love creating things that become massive projects and things that never pass the stage of notes in the borders, I love my dogs, I love it when they annoy the shit out of me because it means they’re here. I love clear skies and rainy ones. I love watching movies. I love going swimming. I love doing a good job and doing a bad job. I love doing a middle-of-the-road job. I love starting, I love ending. I love day dreaming. I love music. I love eating from the pan before the meal is even finished because I love what I’m cooking so much, it all ends up in the same place anyway. I love failing. Miserably, even. So horribly it feels like I’ll never recover but I always do. I let myself feel that feeling till it passes because all things do pass eventually. I love how I feel grief and I love how I feel hope.

My spark, the thing that keeps you warm when nothing else does, it was dead for I don’t know how long and now that I’m gently bringing it back to life I am genuinely awestruck that I survived how long I did completely without it. The inertia and muscle memory could only take me so far and I’m glad I collapsed into a heap when I did.

I think the scariest part was that it came so slowly and carefully that by the time I realised where I was, it felt so close to the end I didn’t know what to do. I think smothered is close to the right word, like my innate brightness could only be met with ‘why are you doing that? You shouldn’t do that?’ I’m only sort of beginning to understand what happened, it was slow, nit picky, and near disgust. A quiet ‘oh’ and then I made myself smaller. It was a cutting and minimising act pretending to be refinement and discernment.

I seethe. And I seethe and I seethe and I seethe. It’s a kind of seething that builds and erupts into laughter because I can’t believe how stupid it all is at the end of the day. I’m allowed to play my favourite songs and dance in the kitchen, more than that, I should play my favourite songs and dance in the kitchen. Each time I scrape together the energy to do something purely for fun I am rewarded tenfold with the energy to do it again and something else too.

If someone sees me dancing or laughing, or picking flowers, or being joyful, digging out happiness from between the cracks in the pavement and enjoying my limited time here, and their first act is to point, scoff, sneer, and say ‘wrong.’ I will burn them to the ground with how much I love being myself. I don’t want people who enjoy picking at the happiness of others like a scab to find me easy to be around.

It’s not been easy to recover. It hurts to pick myself up when I am an engine with no fuel but I’m lucky and have people around me who know how to fan my flames. That’s what makes it so easy, even when it’s not easy, is if you have people who know how help works for you. Luck is part of it too, a good breeze can carry you far, and I’ve learnt that to get a good breeze you need to be in places where there is wind. So I dragged myself, at times kicking and screaming, into the tree tops and valleys and I let preparation meet opportunity.

I’m relearning to trust myself. Not in a blind way, importantly. In the way that when I feel internal resistance and terror I’m able to hold myself and move in the direction that I know in my heart and mind is the right direction. Failure and success are both big changes and I need about the same level of self care to deal with either.

I am a warm person because I seek joy like I’m starving and now I find it everywhere. I am hard to kill because all things give me life. I will never let someone leer down at me and my uncomplicated contentment and scoff at me for it. Never again. My sketchbook is full of flowers, my belly is full of food, my heart is full of love and anger and grief. I am alive and learning how to be. All I am is a human, and my god, what a thing that is to be.

[tuliptiger]

A vent post

I am exhausted in this week of weeks. Im exhausted of being alive and living in this world. Bone deep, and tired. 27 years old and I'm so, so weary.

I don't understand how people can live freely and unburdened, or in the very least they've figured out how to move forward and dream and build their lives. I don't feel like I can dream, I'm tired of my privilege and that's a privilege in of itself. I'm poor, I'm alone ie I support myself and I'm there for myself, I'm in a transition life period right now and it's nightmarish.

I still enjoy thing from time to time, I still have my pets at my moms when I visit I only dream of one day having back at my house that isn't built but has been in construction for a year and a half now. I try to eat healthy but still enjoy the foods I like, I'm heavier than I've ever been. Unemployment still isn't figured out but looks hopeful, hopeful enough to believe it resolved this or next week.

I think I'll be fine in the long run but I can't enjoy what I have knowing others have less because in all of these personal life issues and challenges and joys there is still a war we're complicit in. There are still horrific famines and struggles and I cannot take on the world's burdens but. As an American I'm tied to it and there is only so much I can do.

I don't want to give up my life. Some don't have a choice I feel bad about that but I can't give up my life, for the last couple years of my life I've finally relearned how to like living and regained the want to live again. Guilt does nobody any good especially in this instance, I know I know I know it's a white American privilege to even get to feel this way but I don't know what to do about it within my power.

I can't not feel bad about it but I don't know how to make it not crippling. I cannot enjoy my life knowing these atrocities are happening I don't know how. Is it ok to enjoy my life? Why do I need someone to tell me that. I grew up poor, I lived poor, I am poor but I'm building a house with all of my willpower and money I possess I don't think I have a bad job $42,000 a year (if I get to work the full year) I don't think is bad I can live this way I am living this way and I don't desire more other than to cover the house costs.

I feel privileged to have a car, to get a loan and go into debt and to be able to, as hard fought and disaster ridden this house buying/building process has been I FEEL the privilege but it feels like a lead anchor and not a joy. There is no joy in any of this the only thing I truly feel grateful for is my car.

How can I be building a house when thousands and hundreds of thousands have lost theirs over and over again how can I complain about loans and debt and prices. I deserve a house too but I don't feel like it right now even if it isn't helpful. We all deserve housing, I am not excluded but I just. I don't, I can't feel any different man.

This will never be over in my lifetime, the Palestinian struggle will end eventually it must. They will be free they will be safe I have to believe but American horrors and involvement in all of the worst parts of the world will never end in my life. People will give their lives to try and slow it and mitigate it but I don't see America changing without a full blown internal war. And I can't cope with the loss of life, the loss of these modern day current heroes protesting and dying and losing parts of their lives for what?

Americas puppet, americas arms, americas power and money and profit. For what for what for what for what for what I can't understand it at all. I don't have the power, the money or the people to help. I just reblog posts, share info, keep my support unwavering and beliefs firm but I'm not doing anything of importance. I'm not showing up, I'm not donating I'm not doing anything of value whatsoever I'm just chattering. I'm scared when I don't have a right to be.

People with american flags and guns, firm beliefs of sexism, racism, who regularly say they wouldn't mind killing minorities and women and anyone not in their approved people list. People who the people in power would throw away and kill readily for the hell of it willing to kill others for nothing. I am scared to face them I am not going to lie. It's terrifying knowing people that are dangerous, stupid and blind are on the other side waiting for an excuse.

I don't control any fate or events in the future. I can't see this getting any better, I've felt it in my bones since COVID but we're on the track of it getting worse, and worse before it gets better. And man rock bottom feels like a long, long way away from here. Sorry for the tone of this entire thing but, I've not been feeling good lately. And I don't know what to do about it.

[lauvra]

Lost/Found Notes Pt. 10 17/9/21 The most fearful of thoughts erupt, the ones you dismiss daily. That you're actually as vile as you've always suspected, that disease will feed on all your bad habits and that you're altogether undisciplined, unskilled with nothing to offer anyone. You'll only ever be wanted by conmen and loved by none. You will not bear children, or worse it's all you'll do. Nothing can change your fate which is to fade away, painfully, slowly with no dignity. You'll age terribly and it'll be all your fault. Every person who ever harmed you still laughs behind your back and even when you're desperate for it, you'll never give or receive love again. WELL SO WHAT. 21/9/21 [The poem 'Fearful Thing', by Judah Halevi] 24/9/21 [Quote] "If you do not want to write, at least spit on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, and send it to me. You are not taking any notice of me at all. God forgive you - all I wanted was a few words from you." - Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky 26/9/21 [Internally screaming that I ?? got what I wanted and responded viciously.] My ex followed me on instagram at 1am lol555999P [sic]

7/10/21 My back feels like something magnetised to me. Or like I'm wearing a jetpack with no fuel. I need a fusion core. 16/10/21 Today I laid staring at the ceiling for hours. I slept that horrible daytime kind and woke only when somebody tried to push me down some stairs. They were coming up, I was on my way down. They struck me hard on my right shoulder and said sorry, but I responded "Are ya?" sarcastically, then kept on without looking back, then felt another impact as they launched a more deliberate blow to wrestle me down the flight. I felt simultaneously stuck and violent, and woke in the same state. 16/10/21 Measure the weight and length of my words, someday say my heartbreak had worth. 26/10/21 When he leant in, enclosing, and stroking my hair, I sat there unwilling, rigid and tense. He asked how nice it was to be touched by another human being, but I couldn't look and didn't bother to speak. 29/10/21 [Graceless Host] 23/11/21 I know I speak with a plank in my eye. 3/12/21 [Quote] "I have found no other justification for my life except this effort to create. For almost all the rest, I have failed. And if this doesn't justify me, my life won't deserve absolution." - Albert Camus 17/1/22 Tomorrow call bank or die. 18/1/22 You were the carborundum stone, hm, doesn't roll off the tongue. 22/1/22 [CLIPBOARD] "Would you like to stay in touch via WhatsApp or whatever? My number is [redacted]." 7/2/22 There's something I'm not sure you've noticed, but it means a lot to me. There's no door between us and never has been. There's no polite or guiding goodbye, goodnight or good morning. In medias Res. A continuum. I'm afraid these words will conjure the absent barrier. There's a respect for one another's silence and appears no latch, lock or expectation? Boundaries unbound. I like that shit 19/2/22 Under the shadow of doubt, I relearned how to speak. In weathering misunderstandings, grew a comfort for their inevitability. An attraction to secrecy and respect for code has grown. I am dancing with the universe, we are both blindfolded. [Redacted] told me recently that keeping secrets today is a revolutionary act. I thought to communicate indirectly was a gift I did not possess, but rather I possessed an intolerance to perspectives against mine I'd intended to communicate. I intended for others to understand my writing as if they were my replica. The labyrinth is one of my own construction. Those who already claim to observe, yet form beliefs are already trapped inside with their opponents. The confusion. I am not, after all, a bystander in the destruction of what I love. 19/2/22 I'm sitting in mums Jaguar, she's driving the back winding roads with wide views of green dome-like mounds of mountain, I wish I could share it. I'm in the back seat, her passenger just said if someone told her years ago, she'd be living in a million dollar home, she'd never believe it. "That's for rich people!" My own mother says maybe they'll do something with the property, attach a second home to lease. I chime in where normally I'm silent, and tell her not to sell her soul, though. I say what they do affects the community, too. Her passenger says "Once they allow buildings higher than sixteen stories, I'm out," she says people get greedy, don't appreciate what they've got even when it's rare. I remember all our apartments, moving further and higher out of town. Now she drives the Jag, which she calls "The Jag", because her partner bought it very cheap and fixed it up. When she drives it, sometimes I wonder whether people think she's a wanker. Sometimes I wonder whether she's becoming a wanker.

[john3vanmba]

New Year, New Subject

I enrolled in the Lasallian Business Leadership, Ethics, and CSR subject during my third term at De La Salle University. This marked a significant step not only for my academic pursuit, but also my life in general. With the guidance of our ever so brilliant professor, Miss Pia Manalastas, the course promised not only academic improvement but also a deeper understanding of moral principles and leadership ethics. Our first lesson in the New Year of 2024 deep dived into the life and teachings of St. John Baptist de La Salle, the illustrious namesake of our school.

As we read through the life of St. John Baptist de La Salle, I can't help but say that it was enlightening. His legacy shone brightly as a symbol of compassion, focus and dedication to the greater good. I have discovered another person who was willing to givee up his life of comfort for a noble cause. He demonstrated great humility and selflessness as well as commitment in giving kids the right education regardless of their social status or background. I was touched and this thought resonated deeply within me. It was a testament to his belief in equality and inclusivity which are still as relevant today as they were in his time. St. John Baptist de La Salle also lived not only as a virtuous person but also as a pioneer in education and leadership. His willingness to take risks and innovate in this field set him apart as a visionary. As I dug further into his life story, I have discovered valuable insights about his servant leadership, which is a philosophy centered on such selflessless and personal empowerment. This highlighted the importance of good mentorship that could inspire countless individuals to embrace such roles with integrity and compassion. I felt a deep sense of internal healing and new purpose as we watched the video and read the teachings of St. John Baptist de La Salle including participations in conversations about ethics and corporate social responsibility. Our virtual classroom turned into a safe haven for intellectual discussion, where I wrestled with difficult moral decisions and thought about the sort of leader I wanted to be. It became clear that genuine leadership comes from a place of moral integrity, empathy, and sincerity rather than from authority or skill alone.

When I think back on my professional experience, I see that it had been a long time since I had encountered a subject that placed such a strong focus on ethics and values. The idea of staying as a good and moral person in both my personal and professional life seems to have been pushed back in my quest to move up the corporate ladder. But, this subject may potentially give me a chance to go relearn these fundamental ideas and trekk through a path of self-realization and growth. In my pursuit of personal and professional growth, I recognized the need to farm not only competence but also character. Each lesson will serve as a stepping stone towards becoming a better son, a loyal friend, and a responsible leader. I realized that leadership is not confined to board meetings; it also manifests in everyday interactions, in the choices we make, and in the values we uphold.

In summary, I think Lasallian Business Leadership, Ethics, and CSR course is more than just an MBA subject that we need to go through. It is going to be an important bridge that will help me reshape my personality and would definitely inspire me to become a good leader that respects that important social responsibility and ethical standards. With insights coming from St. John Baptist de La Salle, I am eager to push through this incredible adventure of self-growth and development. I'm very excited to change not only my world, but also the world around me.

[goremet-chef]

maybe ill tell my mom im hungry? im so. my entire LIFE i have always always hated asking for things like so much so that i stopped asking for things on my BIRTHDAY because im like. terrified of being seen as selfish? idk its funny cuz parents will like. god forbid i get a treat when im a kid, then all the grown ups in my life look down and call me spoiled as if they didnt give me the treat, and they still think children arent capable of complex thought so they didnt anticipate that id internalize it for the rest of my life but here we are 😁😁

so i just. god i hate asking for things it makes me feel so shitty but i think shes gonna go somewhere anyways? and EVENTUALLY hes going to run out of things to cook so maybe if i ask she'll bring home some food (vent/rant)

that is one thing that always bothers me tho ive got? idk my mom is. shes my mom i guess, currently she treats me very nicely but when her bf was gone for a few years all that anger was directed at me so yknow. i guess shes over it? or she tries to make up for it, but if im not given an apology, i wont forgive or forget even. it was mutual, lots of arguing on the basis of politics at time, but sometimes it was just fucking nothing, to the point where she'd even admit that i didnt deserve that treatment its just. SIGHHHHH im over it at this point im just trying to get out atp yknow? but like

my sibling asks for LOTS of things. and they get all of them. money for computer parts? sure. money for literally any thing? sure. new game? sure

im not bitter about it, as long as my mom can afford it i dont care. but like....... whenever I ask for things, its usually a no

because of my BPD, i take rejection really hard, its the worst pain in the world so i kinda just stopped asking for anything at all to avoid the feeling. then they always are like "ohh what do you want for yr birthday we cant just get you nothing" but i actually DID ask for something on my birthday. i asked for a copy of pokemon black for the ds. it was the only thing ive directly asked for in years, and i didnt get it which is super embarrassing. like whats the point of bothering me about what i want if you dont listen to me when i do? they always get me what they THINK i want and its this really outdated version of me that doesnt even exist anymore, its makes me dissociate knowing thats what they see me as when im just not that anymore. even when i tell them its null

IDK its jsut a whole thing, idk how to feel about it anymore. its to the point where like. my friends take me out sometimes but i mean. they know im broke, they know i have no job, they know i have no income. but im terrified the entire time that theyre gonna like. ask me to pay or something, and i always do my best to just do nothing when we go out cuz i really like. even when they offer to get me things it makes me feel so fucking shitty man i feel like im just leeching off of them even when they offered. even when they tell me they like getting me things it just. it feels so bad. and GOD its embarrassing, when we're walking around stores and all im doing is just following them around because i have like FIVE DOLLARS in my pocket at most. things like that make me want to never leave my house again, it just sucks.

im jealous of them if im honest, because they have jobs and i dont. but i dont think? i genuinely am unsure id ever be able to get a job. im not well adjusted like them, im constantly dissociating, constantly tired, my sibling yesterday, i made a comment about my mom leaving without telling me at all and he was like "well she said she was leaving on the weekend didnt she?" like yes, she did, but i genuinely have no idea what day it is at any given point. all i know is the number, i dont know the day of the week ever.

like im so. fucked, im fucked! totally, even if i managed to get me shit together, relearn the days of the week, set a good sleep schedule, im fucked anyways because i dont know how to be a person at all. an interview sounds fucking terrifying, ESPECIALLY if i dont know the questions theyre going to ask. i do really REALLY poorly with actual human conversation, like its painful. and pretty much everyone around me thinks im kinda creepy or weird in some way, so theyd DEFINITELY be able to tell. i have no resume, i dont even know what that IS. like im so fucked!! i wasnt able to pass highschool, i cant partake in a conversation if i dont somehow have both sides planned perfectly.

little unsure about my odds, gotta be honest

but at the same time like? i keep hearing people say "if you cant work then get disability insurance" am i disabled? everyone around me tells me im just not trying hard enough. they laugh at me when i say i just cant. even if it covers mental illness, i? i dont know. im constantly in denial of things because my family specifically my mom like. a long time ago she told me i just couldnt be autistic, because im "too smart"

?????? it showed me immediately that she has absolutely no fucking idea what shes talking about ever, i bet she couldnt list more than 2 symptoms of autism like genuinely. im not even smart also????? maybe id be a genius, if i could retain information after 5 minutes 💀💀 its complete bullshit man, im just. im at a loss

and then they have the audacity to mock me for not knowing how to be a person in the world, when THEY shouldve taught me. it was THEIR job to help guide me through it, and they didnt. they laugh and roll their eyes and scoff when i tell them oh i dont know how to use a stove, i dont know what food stamps are i dont know how to dress for a job interview ETC

they expect ill know, that i wouldve jsut picked it up over time but surprise! i didnt. i need instruction i need CLEAR instruction and no one will give it to me. its so frustrating man, they suck ass and they just make me feel WORSE about myself. like good fucking god, give me a break

idk im just. exhausted. im tired of just cramming my problems down because the people around me are incapable of seeing me as anything other than a child, and children dont have problems, right? i have no right to complain if my backs constantly hurting, if im too tired to feed myself properly, if i cant leave my house for 2 seconds without feeling the deepest dread. like be so serious bro

i cant wait to fucking move out, but.. how? my friends said its okay if i cant always make enough money from art to pay rent, but no. i dont believe them at all. theyre just being nice to me and i dont even deserve that, i fucking refuse i cant just. im always dead weight, its so frustrating. it frustrates the people around me, too. i feel like such a fucking burden man, its so tiring. if its not things i just dont know how to do, its fear. oh i cant help clean the garage because its crawling with spiders, i cant take out the trash because the trash bins are crawling with spiders. i cant walk down the stairs because i saw a spider on the ground. they fucking hate me man

i know what they see me as, but i have no idea how to convince them that its not me. they think im rude because i dont know how to properly communicate, i say things and its rude to them and i feel bad because i didnt intend to come off that way. everyone thinks im selfish, they think im overdramatic. exaggerating. if they could live in my head for one day, they wouldnt think that anymore

its so exhausting because you dont even get any sort of sympathy from them! just like. awkward pity, and it makes me wish i was never born. never oh im sorry yr feeling that way, do you wanna talk about it? never

they see me as such an obvious burden but they? i dont know! i genuinely cant understand, they think i just have no complex emotions? they think i cant hear it, cant see it? they think i dont feel like a burden when they tell me i am. its so stupid

i cant stand being around anyone, and it just pushes me FURTHER into dissociation. ive got an interesting thing with that. see, typically when yr dissociate with a dissociative disorder like OSDD or DID, that hazy period in time opens up for another alter to front, you dissociate away and get tucked inside yr head. except i get maladaptive daydreams. so im fully dissociated in another world basically but im still physically present. its like i just always take up space thats never meant for me, in every conceivable way. i hate it.

i know, when i finish typing this, ill feel a lot better. which is just embarrassing, bpd fucking sucks. having no emotional permanence is EMBARRASSING when im over here crying on my knees about my problems and then the second i get it out i feel completely fine. it just makes me invalidate my very real emotions even further and its so.

im just. whatever.

just spit it out and stop looking that way

[worldwithoutmiracles]

My ADHD Broke Me

I was thinking today about how harmful it is to grow up with undiagnosed ADHD while also being a responsible, rational person (like most of us are). like, it’s obviously hard when you keep getting feedback from parents, teachers, coaches, etc. on how you “should be doing better”. but it was so hard, my whole childhood, to also look into myself and think internally “yes, I should be doing better. why am I not doing better?” and having no answer.

like, the absolute gut-wrenching trauma of being in the principal’s office or at the dinner table, being told I should have done this and that, and I’m sitting there in tears saying “I know”. and because the adults in my life didn’t have ADHD, hearing me agree and even preempt their criticism with criticism of my own, they came to the conclusion I must either be lazy or lying. how can a person know exactly what they should be doing and still not do it? obviously, they either chose not to do it, knowing the consequences, and are just “acting up”, or they are lying after the fact, pretending they knew what they should have done. either way, I was a “bad kid”. I beat myself bloody trying to conform to outward expectations, and I still walked away with the label of “rebellious” and “troublemaker”. labels I had to agree with, based on the evidence.

it fucked me up. how many times did I look inside myself wondering desperately “why can’t I do this? why do I know it needs to be done and I’m still not doing it?”. for a lot of years, I was convinced I was evil (catholic upbringing, bear with me). I felt like I was sharing my skin with a traitor. I felt like nothing in the world could possibly ever be improved by me or controlled by me. I felt I couldn’t rely on myself. I doubted my own opinion of my value, my needs, my comfort, my priorities. I got better at anticipating the desires of other people and completely lost touch with myself. because what good is it to listen to me? I am a liar.

I’m always the problem, always the one fucking up, always the one that doesn’t do what I should. my intentions and my actions are so far removed from one another that sometimes I might as well be a stranger to myself. disassociating was a survival tactic. it was so hard to feel centered in my body, present in my life, responsible for any of my choices.

I still don’t know how to forgive myself. I am trying to relearn how to trust and value myself. I am still working to reattach myself to my body and to my life, and some days I just can’t.

[sweeteastart]

🌺Kh Oc Week 2022🌺

@khoc-week

- Day 4 - Determination/Nobody -

For this day, i had two prompts that really scratch the itch in my brain. Again, the edge-lord i am couldn't help but do some more angst. I was really inspired by this day as you will be able to tell soon.

This day is pretty much 75% comics ahah Thankfully, i drew some of the prompts in advance so they are fully finished i would have simply died on the spot if i did it exclusively during this week honestly Anyways, i hope it will be a good read for everyone :D

Determination

Bunny

Bunny feels really conflicted after all her friends either turn into dream eaters or went into the future. Even if Ephemer is by her side, she struggles a lot with feeling guilty from all the events of the end of Daybreak Town.

Building Scala Ad Caelum with Ephemer helps her lay to rest her past. By training future keyblade wielder in a more controlled enviromen, she hopes to prevent any more tragic events to happen.

Mikana

I wanted to extend on Mikana's thinking pattern as she follows Xehanort's plans here. She does feels the pressure and internal conflict from lying again and again. Leading on people she starts to feel deeply connected to is hard on her but her determination to save her sister is stronger than her feelings.

Nobody

Sika

Sika's nobody, Kasix, is the result of Sika's sacrifice. Where Sika was a ball of energy and positivity, her nobody is far more jadded. The deep denial that her somebody was in seemingly wore off when she turned into a Kasix. Her calmer and more down to earth personality sets them apart from Sika.

Kasix does acknowledge her troubling resemblance with her somebody. Knowing full well Sora - that was set free from Sika's heart at this point- is trying to bring back the girl, Kasix hides her face. They end up bounding with Riku quite a lot. Both are like two peas in a pod, often finding themself confiding in the other.

Pêche

For this one, i really wanted to lean into the storytelling via the colors but few words. A bit of show don't tell kinda thing.

About the comic a bit : Pêche went through a lot in their life. They were Piry for around 16 years then became Daisy and Poppy for a little under 10 to finally live out the rest of their life under Pêche after Birth by Sleep.

Pêche's harships build them to be a individual who has a hard time navigating life. However, after so many years of suffering and shattered relationships, they finally find the comfort of a safe space with Sora and his friends.

To be honest, i created Pêche when i was trying to heal after falling a very dark place. They go through a lot but seeing them slowly healing and walk towards a better life is very therapeutic. They will be happy. They will finally have a stable and loving home with people who cares for them. They just have to relearn to be happy and that's not so easy.

I know, i know i over-did it for today ahah I have to say, i didn't really expect to finish all this in time. It's miracle everything turned out so well. Though, now, i'm a bit burned out :') I will do some drawings for the end of the weak but not anymore comic. Anyways, that was a lot of work so i hope you will like it :D

[materialisnt]

a lot of the conversation around transability focuses on a sensationalized view of abled people fetishizing disability, which is what most of the media coverage has been so i can understand that, but it makes it really hard to talk about having a different internal and external ability configuration.

like, im hearing. i am a hearing man who can walk and talk. i think in my first language, english, and have a pretty good ear for sounds. or at least i used to, or have that image of myself in my memory and our inner world.

my system is not hearing, for the most part cant speak, and cant dance or walk or do any of the things that to me feel most natural. i have to relearn throughout the day often the same basic things: trying to speak results in pain and stress, i have to stick with grunts; i cant hear what people are saying and music doesnt make close to any kind of sense at a normal listening volume; if i try to walk we'll pass out; if i try to lift something that looks lightweight i could injure us to the point where that limb is out of commission for at minimum a few hours

the list goes on

all the things my body *should* be able to do, it cant. all the ways my body *should* look, it doesn't. the way i think, just the language i think in, does not match up with how we are able to communicate. i find myself learning and relearning again and again the same things, and am in awe of people for whom these things are natural – including my sysmates.

i wouldnt want to have a magical surgery to make our external body match my internal body, though if i was alone in here i might. i dont know! what i do know is it'd be hypocritical for me to say "a person whose internal body-map is disabled in a way their external bodymind isnt is not as legitimate than me" as a fundamental rule. there are certainly people who identify as transabled who dont go about it healthily, and who have a romantic image of life with disabilities, and i dont care for the term itself. That doesn't make the experience in question fake, nor is the struggle it often comes with.

i won't be carrying around a pride flag, or announcing my dysphoria outside contexts i feel are private and safe enough to do so, but I'm not going to get mad at someone else who does those things unless they do so in a harmful way. I'd encourage others to reflect on how the concept makes them uncomfortable or triggers feelings of disgust, particularly when the person in question is (presumed to be) nondisabled.

[crimeronan]

question abt the soulmate verse! adam’s fear of not being able to experience the depth of emotion others experience in their relationships due to his lack of marks really resonates with me. was it an arc that you thought was concluded pre-soulmate verse when they were teenagers and first fell in love or does it take him the decade that he and ronan and gansey and blue are together to figure it out? asking for uhhh not reasons related to my own fears at all purely about adam parrish

oh this is a good question!!

his fears throughout the soulmate verse story tend to center more on worrying that other people can't feel for HIM as much as he does for them; he's at a point where he's definitely aware that he Has Feelings For/About People. at the same time. That Said, though, adam in both the canon books and in this verse is Constantly relearning the same lessons. he'll learn something new, convince himself he's internalized it, convince himself he can't spend any more time thinking about it now that he's Fixed It, and then only realizing that he's still extremely upset n neurotic months-to-years down the line

adam is CERTAINLY still afraid that ronan has a better relationship with his soulmates than he ever will with adam, he's afraid of the same with gansey and blue and noah too. there's this underlying conviction that he always needs to be working to establish his place within the polycule bc he's not "supposed" to be there at all, which Unbelievably alarms gansey and later ronan

adam in that verse also Doesn't experience feelings/attachments in quite the same way as the average person, not just on a soulmate level but also on a basic social level. i wrote him with low empathy on purpose bc it matters to me that people who don't feel what they're "supposed" to feel also have a chance to thrive in their relationships & lives. it also mattered to me to take this coldness that could so easily be destructive (see: the "i wish you'd died" scene), and to turn it into something constructive and positive (see: the way hennessy begins trusting adam long before she trusts ANYONE else).

so essentially adam is constantly questioning himself and his headspace is a mess of contradictions. do they love me / should they love me / can i love them / do i love them / do i feel what they do / do they feel what i do / can i feel what they do / is this real / is this fake / am i playacting a soulmate relationship / am i maintaining healthy boundaries in my non-soulmate relationship / why are they made for each other / am i not good enough to feel anything / am i too good to feel anything

the true conclusion, which is that adam loves people the way adam loves people, & that that's always going to be different from the way ronan loves people, & that THAT's always going to be different from the way gansey/blue/noah love people bc they're all different, & that adam can still have exactly what he wants even if he doesn't have soulmate marks... that's something that he definitely doesn't work out til the end of the story.

[theskywaslookingback]

tma fic recs please ? 🤲🏽

Oooooo yes! I never get asks like this, thank you!

[my tumblr fic recs tag is here for browsing]

I had to put it under a cut because it got...entirely too long barely half an hour into making it, sorry.

Under 5k

means of cartharsis by orphan_account [G] [965]

“You’d think – you’d that at this point nightmares would be second nature for me, hm?” Martin says, forcing a smile even as he tugs the blanket tighter around his trembling shoulders.

It’s meant to be a bit funny. Instead of laughing, though, Jon frowns.

“No,” he says simply, and matter-of-factly wipes the moisture from Martin’s cheeks with a tissue like he’s a crying child.

A Proper Sleepover by Goodluckdetective (scorpiantales) [T] [1.4k]

In a different world, one where Elias is not waiting for them outside the Lonely, everyone has a chance to savor a moment of respite. As much as they can get these days. If only to talk about things that long need to be spoken.

“Basira says we should all sleep in the same room tonight,” Jon says without looking up. “Safer. So we can keep an eye out for intruders and also each other.”

“So we’re having a proper sleepover then?”

Jon scoffs. “Technically we’ve been having a proper one for months.”

where i go, when i go there by rainny_days [T] [1.7k]

Martin wants Jon to hold his hand. Martin doesn't want Jon to hold his hand.

It's complicated.

all the other ways by AptlyNamed [G] [2.2k]

Jon loses his first soul mark when he is eight years old.

a palace from ruin by bibliocratic [G] [2.2k]

"What're you sorry for?” Martin asks.

“I should have asked,” Jon says finally. “I'd never.... you were always so private about him, so I mean, at first I wasn't sure he was even yours, but then – when you, when you went with Peter, and I – he was so small, and I thought he was h-half-dead. S-so I picked him up and I carried him. And I'm sorry.”

interiors by doomcountry [T] [2.7k]

In the doorway, he fumbles with his keys. Their sound is loud in the silent stairwell. You don’t remember getting here.

searching for a light (for a right) by Kalgalen [T] [2.7k]

Some people make the mistake of assuming he's naive about sex, for the simple reason he hasn't dated in a while. Tim has called him a prude, at one point, and implied that he was somehow afraid of the intimacy required by the act; he wasn’t entirely wrong, but this definitely isn’t the reason for Jon's disinterest and general bafflement toward what most people seemed to consider as "what makes them human".

Jon simply hasn't found the right person. That is all it is: high standards, and a reticence to let people in.

(In which Jon finds out society is wrong about what a romantic relationship should be.)

how to plant a garden in rocky soil by treeprince [T] [2.9k]

Sometimes you just need a good pair of hands to work out all the kinks in your life.

Good thing Martin has two.

A Weather In The Flesh by cuttooth [G] [3k]

"There is a span of years where Jon doesn’t touch anyone other than the occasional hand shake. It’s not so bad. He’s never been someone who’s needed physical affection."

*

Jon has never been any good at making people want to stick around.

I'll bring the motion by callmearctus [T] [3.1k]

A long series of kidnappings and international flights leaves its own special mark on someone. Before the Unknowing, Jon is a mess.

Martin helps.

A Bread Made In Heaven by Againstme [G] [3.3k]

Martin moves over and watches how his boyfriend handles the dough. He's awkward with it, tentative and gentle, as if he's scared of hurting it somehow.

"Is this, uh, am I doing this right?" Jon asks, still slowly stretching out the dough and folding it onto itself.

"Well," he says shifting closer to Jon again, "you could be applying more pressure. Here, let me help you out, dear."

Martin moves fully behind Jon, and reaches around him, putting his hands on top of his boyfriend's. Jon inhales sharply, but doesn't say anything else, just lets Martin's hand rest on top of his.

Martin's hands are bigger, but not big enough to entirely envelop the other's hands, and Jon's hands are much, much warmer than his own are. To see what they're doing, Martin moves his head to look over Jon's shoulder. Though he can't see his boyfriend's face from this angle, he can see how it is slowly growing red at the edge of his vision. He decides not to tease him on it, instead content with letting a smile spread across his face and slowly guiding their joined hands in the proper motion.

Or, Martin teaches Jon how to make bread.

stumbling and spinning by lady_mab [G] [3.3k]

“Things happened,” Jon says demurely, trying to untangle Gerry’s fingers, but it only results in him getting pulled in so Gerry can kiss him properly. “It’s not all that bad.”

“I suppose not,” Gerry says with a sigh, sitting back upright. “You somehow managed to snag an incredible boyfriend out of it.”

It takes a solid few seconds before realization clicks in Martin’s brain. “You mean me?” [...]

“You have to admit, Jon has great tastes,” Gerry teases.

nothing sweeter than local honey by beeclaws [T] [3.4k]

So Tim is content, one arm leaned into the spray, waiting for the water to warm, enjoying the feeling of homecoming underneath the gentle fuzz of jetlag, when he hears gasping, panicked breaths coming from the other room.

Tim and Jon, in the aftermath, relearning how to be okay.

When Words are Inadequate by Mugatu [T] [3.8k]

Meals and the preparation of are, for want of a better word, informative. Fact gathering. A place where they can fill in the gaps of their knowledge of the other.

Jon cooks for Martin, and they learn more about each other.

go softly by doomcountry [T] [4k]

And there is nothing else besides this.

Imago by cuttooth [T] [4k]

“Jon?” he asks tentatively, tightening his grip around the poker as it slips against his sweaty palm. The antennae twitch, and suddenly Martin knows that it’s Jon, the knowledge sliding into his mind in a surge of desperate affection, the same profound love he felt that first time he truly saw Jon in the fog of the Lonely.

“Oh,” he whispers. “It really is you.”

*

Jon changes, but he’s still the same to Martin.

shoreline by bibliocratic [G] [4.1k]

“Martin," Tim says kindly, tipsily, only mildly slurring. "Dearest, dearest Martin. You're wankered, babe. Last train to Stockwell fucked off hours ago because it is now piss off o'clock in the morning, and there's a sofa with your exact name on it at my place. Thought you said you wanted some handsome fellow to take you back to his tonight?”

Or: The OG Archive crew go drinking, Martin comes out, and gets some well deserved TLC. In that order.

get your epitaph right by bibliocratic [G] [4.2k]

Martin's daemon has tried on the shape of dogs and lizards and snakes and horses, and even – once, when he was younger and Mum took him to the seaside, a fish.

Martin's never seen his soul in the dressing of a spider before.

i've known the warmth of your doorways by beeclaws [T] [4.2k]

'I’m always in pain, Jon wants to say, even as he dismisses the thought as melodramatic. Between his growing collection of old wounds and scar tissue, the supernatural hunger for statements that hasn’t been truly satiated in months, and the unpredictable aches and strains his body threw off day by day long before he ever set foot in the Institute, some level of pain and discomfort follows Jon wherever he goes now. He is used to being in pain. He’s not used to someone holding his hand as he suffers through it.'

Jon catalogs the comforts he receives, and wonders how long he will be allowed to keep them.

lay down your weary head by Zykaben [T] [4.6k]

Jon has been running himself ragged, searching for every scrap of information he can possibly find about the Unknowing. He's exhausted and sleep-deprived but he can't bring himself to take a break, not now.

Luckily, Tim and Martin are there to make sure that their boyfriend gets the care and rest he needs.

only the sweetest words remain by bluejayblueskies [T] [4.6k]

This isn't how things are supposed to go, right? Jon remembers those ratty paperbacks from the charity shops, dime-a-dozen romance novels with broken bindings and yellowing pages and words that spoke of love and passion and sexuality in prose that was more than a bit too mature for someone whose age hadn’t yet reached double digits. Stolen glances turn into dinner dates turn into passionate kisses turn into…

Well, he’d never actually read those parts of the books, because it had all seemed so deeply uncomfortable and gross. But he got the picture.

Or, Jonathan Sims, on being loved

5k-20k

and they keep not letting go by Marianne_Dashwood [G] [5k]

It’s an electric feeling, something strange and new and familiar all at once, even though he has been holding Martin’s hand for most of the day. His stomach swoops, like he is standing on the edge of the precipice of realisation and staring into the void of unknowing. But at the same time, he does know. In this instant of contact between them, the last few years of cups of tea and small smiles and momentary glances, of panic and fear and only feeling safe with Martin’s solid presence in the room, despite his paranoia, rush into him, and oh, oh oh.

ready to call this love by yewgrove [G] [5.6k]

How is Martin supposed to tell Jon that he panicked, stupidly, when the lovely old lady down the village asked him what they were doing in this part of the world? Got the shopping! Oh, by the way, we're married now! Whole village thinks we're on our honeymoon, hope you don't mind!

Prenons-nous la main by luftballons99 [T] [6k]

They still haven't talked about it, any of it, not even to pass the time on the long train ride to Scotland. Instead, Martin fell asleep in the seat next to him, pressed into his side from shoulder to knee, and Jon thought about love confessions and verb tense and how the two fit together when you think you're dying.

or: Good cows, mediocre poetry, and other crucial topics of discussion.

This Must Be The Place by cuttooth [T] [6k]

“You said – you said we were going home,” Martin says softly.

“I did,” says Jon, and is grateful that Martin doesn’t comment on him calling the Archives home. “I – I don’t really know where to go. I, uh, I don’t have a flat anymore, I don’t think. We could find a hotel?”

“Let’s go to my place,” says Martin. His hand squeezes Jon’s, more gently than before. Most importantly, Jon notes, he doesn’t let go.

*

Jon and Martin go home for a little while.

Small Things, Simple Acts by ZaliaChimera [T] [6.6k]

Even after leaving London, Jon and Martin are not free, not really. Maybe they never will be.

But for now they can be themselves, and maybe in the end, that's enough.

house by tomatoes [G] [9k]

Martin can take care of himself.

roses, roses, roses by acetheticallyy (judesstfrancis) [T] [9.3k]

Rose scented laundry detergent. Running into Jon in the breakroom. Running into Jon on his way back to his desk. Rose scented detergent. Running into Jon. Roses. Jon. Roses, roses, roses.

a deeply annoying child by ajkal2 [G] [9.6k]

Jon is hiding under the desk.

----

There's a child in the Archives, who shouldn't be there.

Inseparable by voiceless_terror [T] [10.3k]

“You can stay.” The voice interrupts his internal panic, and he looks over to find Jon studiously avoiding his gaze, staring hard at a neighboring bush. Martin wonders what caused his sudden change of heart. “But you have to sit on the other side. And don’t talk to me.”

Jonathan Sims and Martin Blackwood meet as children. Some things change, others do not.

i'm almost me again, you're almost you by gruhukens [G] [12k]

After a second Jon steps in towards him, close enough that Martin flinches, but all Jon does is put two fingers under his chin with his free hand and raise it until Martin can’t duck away. Jon has never touched him so casually before – at least, not until today, and it raises a lot of thoughts and feelings that Martin is trying very hard not to process.

Much like a lot of other things that have happened, he thinks. Not that it’s horrible or terrifying or numbing like everything else has been: it’s just another thing on the list of things he doesn’t have the capacity to deal with.

---

In the wake of the Lonely, there's a lot that Martin doesn't really want to think about.

hello my old heart by firebirdsuite [T] [15.8k]

Peter’s wrong, of course. When it’s all over, Martin does still want to tell Jon everything. It’s just—well, there’s a few things they need to work through first before they can get there.

Martin and Jon find each other again in Scotland.

Over 20k

The Kindness of Strangers by TheOestofOCs [M] [23k]

It was easier to treat Jon like a monster when he wasn’t shivering against his back, brokenly humming—wait, was that…

“Are you trying to do ‘Hey, Jude’?” Tim demanded.

Jon stopped, stiffening. “Mm hrmh mm mmh hm,” he said defensively.

“You really can’t hold a tune, can you, boss?”

*

It was just an ordinary walk to a restaurant. Tim had insisted that if they were going to talk, there would be no tape recorders or weird Archives ghosts listening in. A bit of fresh air wouldn’t kill him, Tim had said. What could go wrong?

By the time Jon spots the white delivery van, it’s much too late.

The Stranger kidnaps Jon. Tim comes along for the ride.

Misjudged by ShastaFirecracker [T] [36.5k]

Martin's been a longtime listener of What the Ghost, so when Georgie gives a shoutout to her flatmate's Twitch channel during a Q&A, he checks it out - only to discover that her flatmate is also his most terrifying coworker at his new job. The first time they crossed paths, Jon yelled at him for incompetence. But on the streams, Martin sees an entirely different person - someone fun and relaxed, engaging and unfairly attractive. Over time, Martin begins to find that Jon buried inside his dour, awkward coworker. He also learns to live with the fact that his crush is painfully one-sided... or is it?

if we make it through the night everyone is gonna hear us (Series) by skvadern [Ratings Vary] [42.4k]

In which Sasha survives the NotThem (with a little help from a certain Distortion) and she and Jon spend s2 working together to try and make sense of everything that's happening to them. It goes...interestingly

the garden of forking paths by bibliocratic [T] [49.7k]

Whatever he had predicted might happen, Jon wasn't expecting to survive upon demolishing the Panopticon. He certainly wasn't expecting to be rescued.

Instead, he wakes up in an alternative universe where he's never been the Archivist, and Martin Blackwood doesn't exist.

Martin Blackwood wakes up somewhere else entirely.

it's only forever by lady_mab [T] [50.9k]

“The castle at the center of the labyrinth,” Jon breathes, recalling again the words from one of the past conversations with Martin. “He’s there.”

“Turn back, Jonathan,” the Goblin King says, and Jon is surprised to hear a slight edge of desperation in the tone. “Turn back before it’s too late.”

“I can’t,” Jon answers with the same tone. “You know that I can’t.”

The Goblin King’s grin is gone completely, and he regards Jon with a degree of pity before that melts into resignation.

Yesterday is Here by CirrusGrey [T] [53.3k]

"Who the hell are you?" Jon could feel his hands shaking. The man laughed, taking a step forward and raising a hand to point at him. "I'm you, from the future!" he said, then swayed, eyes going unfocused, and collapsed to the floor in a dead faint. -------- Post-season-four Jon and Martin time travel back to the season one Archives.

A Home For What Loves You by TheWrongShop [T] [151k]

It was completely fine that Jon was following up on this very normal, non-supernatural statement at midnight on a Friday. He was going to find nothing at all, and then he was going to go home and sleep for fourteen straight hours and feel absolutely no qualms about moving case #0150409 directly into the filing cabinet marked "discredited".

Or; Jon and Martin end up investigating Carlos Vittery's basement and finding the entity formerly known as Jane Prentiss together.

RATED E *MINORS DNI*

A Look And A Voice by cuttooth [E] [6.9k]

“Do you want to have sex with me?” Jon asks bluntly, and for a second Martin can’t breathe.

“It - it doesn’t matter what I - ” he begins valiantly, before Jon interrupts him.

“Because I want to have sex with you, and frankly it doesn’t matter if you think it’s for the wrong reasons. I’m an adult. I can make my own decisions. The only thing that matters is if you want to as well.”

*

Martin meets a guy in a bar and takes him home.

Warms The Coldest Night by cuttooth [E] [11k]

"Flame that warms the coldest night Bring to us the waxing Light, Be with us on Solstice Night." Gypsy - Bring Back The Light

There is mistletoe hanging in the doorway to the Archives when Jon gets in.

Curiosity by ShastaFirecracker [E] [11.6k]

“You know that conversation we had the other day about how one of the most important things for queer youth to learn is that it's okay to change their minds, because identity and self-discovery are always fluid?”

Behind him, Martin slipped oven mitts over his hands and pulled open the oven door. The scent of garlic and rosemary flooded the kitchen. “Yeah?” he said.

“I, um... I'd like to revisit the topic of sex.”

At the Interim (Series) by Rend_Herring [E] [41k]

A Measure Outside the Lines and The Residuum

triptych (Series) by Stacicity [E] [44.9k]

A collection of Jon/Tim/Martin fics

a steady hand, a delicate man by callmearctus [E] [52.8k]

Martin is the proprietor and manager of a very discrete and fairly exclusive brothel situated between Belgravia and Chelsea. Blackwood House excels at special requests and pleasing any client.

Except for Jon, who probably has never been pleased a day in his entire life.

Despite that, he still comes back. It eventually begs the question: how do you solve a problem like Jon Sims?

[fierceawakening]

@ceanothusspinosus Fwiw, the original intuitive eating book specifically says it’s not applicable to eating disorders as written, go see a dietician/get a care team (though does not define ED and, ugh, /me gestures at how incoherent ED criteria are and the way they miss a lot of ED-flavor experiences that aren’t primarily about body shape or size). It’s pretty much aimed at people with the experience of “diet history/messaging has messed up my ability to notice and act on hunger cues one way or another.”

Fair. That’s what I’d guess it was from the name.

I do get the impression that there is an on,une community that primarily IS made up of people with EDs or who identify as having them (covering my ass here because self diagnosis is absolutely a THING on tumblr, and I really do think that while it’s useful for some people, others take “that might fit me/at my worst I’m a bit like that” to be “that totally fits me” and this can give people the idea that something mild or related or sub clinical IS the thing, and thus that “everybody” has it.)

For whom the idea is “any urge to eat is something my ED tells me is evil, so I should eat whatever o want whenever I want.”

Which is likely good advice for people who will otherwise starve!

But it’s not necessarily good advice for everyone I don’t think, considering that I DO think junk food is, if not literally “addictive,” at LEAST designed to override satiation cues. So “I want sugar!” May be externally imposed, where “I am full” May be internal but a lot quieter.

There are members of ten online community I dislike who will outright say “binging is good,” because they are thinking “I’m predisposed to starving myself and thus see eating a small meal as a ‘binge.’ Part of relearning how not to stave is to say ‘so what if I do binge?’ On the theory that I’ll mistake a small meal for an overindulgence.”

Which makes some sense IN THAT CONTEXT. But when I, personally, who am not anorexic, read “there is nothing wrong with bingeing, that’s a diet culture lie,” I wonder… “do we mean three thousand or four? Or up? are you sure this will have no effect?”

Because to me binge doesn’t mean not starve, it means, like, mukbang.