#when the situation calls for me to do something that's Sensory Hatred i will still do it

[astrolage]

i thought everyone else just thought i was kind of a wimp for not dealing with the pain as well as they did

Growing up with family members who were also autistic or had other disabilities, some of them confirmed, some of them not, that really was exactly what I felt. That I was just not handling the pain.

Except, I discovered, growing older, they had in fact suffered for it whenever they handled the pain "well," because it wouldn't stop them from becoming exhausted and it wouldn't stop them from becoming stressed.

My family will occasionally characterize that I've become less of an inconsiderate ass. And they're right! I am! Because I started keeping track of everything that hurt me! And I started avoiding those things (or using assistive devices to reduce the specific sensation that is painful)!

I started wearing noise-cancelling headphones to dinners out, to the movie theater, to public events. And all of a sudden, I stopped being "too tired" and "needing to take a nap" (sleep being the only thing my family considers sacrosanct, it was always the thing I claimed if I wanted to get out of something).

But the people I know who were taught that it doesn't matter if you're in pain, that you're just supposed to withstand it and move on? They're "grumpy." They get irate. They'll start snapping, even if they don't mean to. But they'll do it! They'll power through! And then be told to fuck off because they're being an asshole, which is the only point when they'll get the time away from the Situation to cool off.

I didn't put two and two together for years that pain makes you irate, but boy when I did…

one of the things that makes autism a disability (and why some of us choose to label it as such rather than an “alternate neurotype”) is the stress. 

part of autism is just being incredibly stressed. overstimulation? stress. holding a conversation? stress. something happening to our schedule? stress. people talk about how often autism is recognized and diagnosed via our stress responses (like meltdowns) because it is just so common to see autistic people stressed because of lack of accommodations to how our brains work.

and this matters because stress kills. stress causes a lot of health issues, or it can trigger pre-existing ones by making certain chronic conditions flare up. i once had a psychiatrist very unhelpfully tell me i “just need to manage my stress” when the stress i was describing was things i could not avoid in neurotypical society and can’t “just get over”. i can do “self care” all i like but i cannot at the very base level change the way my brain inputs information and reacts accordingly.

[ghostietea]

Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

[transsexualhamlet]

asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS:  https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation 

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things: 

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper   fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh. 

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami. 

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience. 

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly. 

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control 

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it 

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™  for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

[rabbit-bf]

Dr Splitters Fear Project, my canon self insert, and the character I’m shipping them with: An Essay

So, let’s get the first thing out of the way. What the fuck is Dr Splitters Fear Project? Short answer, is it’s a visual novel I’m writing for fun! There’s not any specific plans to make it an actual game at the moment, as I really don’t think anyone would enjoy it that much, nor can I code worth anything, but I’m having so much fun writing it!

It’s the story of a group of young adults who are kidnapped and experimented on by a doctor; Dr Tiffany Givens, who has an extreme case of general and social anxiety. He’s been able to live some semblance of a life through various medications and bouncing from therapy to therapy over the many years, but he’s always felt he could feel better. Upon being told he’s tried everything they could give him, he’s decided to start his own research. He is a doctor after all, that means he’s qualified, right? The problem is, his idea of research is well,, human experimentation. Now going by the name of Dr Splitter to hide his identity, he’s spent months collecting information about, and meticulously choosing each project participant. He has a big book full of all the things that make them feel fear, and the goals they have that make them feel hopeful. He plans to use this information to find out exactly what goes through different peoples heads when faced with anxiety, and how the hell he can stop it.

That leads me to my f/o and my canon self indulgent self insert :)

Starting off with my f/o, her name is Felicity Rogers. She’s the protagonist of the game, aka the character you play as. Her fear is the paranormal and her dream is technically a number of creative things. Including, but not limited to, actor, artist, and musician. She’s super bubbly and always tries to make others see the best in things, even when she doesn’t see it herself. She’s autistic and has dyscalculia, and that effects her character quite a bit. There are moments in the game where she has meltdowns and experiences sensory overload, which is something that she has to accept as being a part of herself as time goes on. She is very sensory avoidant, and because of that has a specific hatred for clocks and the beach. She is also made squeamish very easily, even just the slightest sight of blood makes her feel dizzy. She collects small “worthless” things, such as capsule toys, and pressed pennies. She also has a huge interest in musicals, and enjoys finding bootlegs of the most obscure ones she can possibly find.

And now, for my canon self insert, Katherine “Kitty” Belle. They’re a bit of an interesting case. I’m not sure how much I want to reveal about them, because of how pivotal they are to the overall plot. Wouldn’t wanna spoil the nonexistent video game, now would we. Their dream was to be a dancer but they were hit with multiple chronic illnesses at the age of seventeen, one of which still has yet to be diagnosed at the time of the game. Their dream has now shifted to web design, because that’s something that they can do with minimal effort. Ironically, their fear is surgery, or just any intense medical procedure for that matter. They have been kept cooped up at home because of their illnesses, and they have quite a case of social anxiety because of it. They couldn’t leave the house because of physical reasons, and now they can’t because of mental reasons, too. They use a cane because of their arthritis, and it’s decorated in all sorts of stickers and pretty tape that they’ve collected. They like fun stationary, and when it rains, and enjoys talking to people online. They also love music of all kinds and misses going to concerts dearly. Their favorite band being one their dad showed them called Card Trick.

Felicity and Kitty met in the Fear Project, of course. Kitty taking on quite a doomsday mentality about it all, being negative about everything from the very beginning, and Felicity always encouraging them to look at the bright side of the situation, even when in the face of the things she fears most.

Canonically, they don’t get together, (at least as of now they do not) but I thought it wouldn’t make much sense to make a whole other self insert to ship with Felicity when Kitty is basically a self insert in the first place! I think they’re very cute and I hope you love the both of them as much as I do.

Pls ask me questions about Fear Project if you find interest in it, as well. I’d be over the moon if anyone cared about my stupid little story. <3

Here’s both of their little concept sprites, if you were curious! Felicity on the left and Kitty on the right!

[timextoxhajima]

HOSTIS, Chapter XVII: Et Universum Parallel, A Parallel Universe

Previous Chapter (XVI: Adsumo)

Member: Lee Hyunjae (tbz) ft eric

Genre (by chapter): drama, angst

Category: Short Novel/Long Series

A/N: *this is a sad hours warning send me an ask if you cried or smth idk bec i’m pretty i’m gonna cry writing this chapter :”)*

“where has my other ares gone?”

“morning!” 

the nurses and staff nearby look up at your greeting, and they say it back with such cheer and wonder in their voices, though you were sure they wished they were in bed.

the dress shirt that wasn’t yours was folded nicely into a plastic package in your briefcase, and you didn’t want it hanging around your house like a ghost reminding you that lee hyunjae was a person who had to deal with for the longest of times.

he was staring at his computer screen with his chin in his palm when you walked in without knocking, and you were expecting him to throw something at you, maybe even call you a name that would hurt your pride.

but he doesn’t.

“this shit is yours,” the plastic crinkles loudly when you pull it out. for a moment, your heart winces because you spent a considerable amount of time ironing it.

it was a dress shirt after all.

“take it back.”

the item was held out at arms length, and again, you wait for him to snap at you, to bring it over to him so you had an excuse to throw it instead.

but he doesn’t.

the look on his face was blank, emotionless, tired.

the chair creaks when he removes his butt off the leather and he slides the white coat off the backseat, turning on his heels to walk towards you.

his silhouette against the light coming in from the window behind his desk floods out his features, but he keeps a safe distance from you when he takes the wrapped dress shirt from you and places it on the small sofa seat right next to the door.

“thanks,” he says, with absolutely no weight of sincerity or energy. “i gotta go for my rounds so get out of my office.”

he brushes past you without physically running an arm into your shoulder, and he doesn’t wait for you to leave by holding the door open. 

he just walks off.

a parallel universe, also known as a parallel dimension, alternate universe, or alternate reality, is a hypothetical self-contained plane of existence, co-existing with one's own. 

and you were convinced that not only did you just wake up in one, you were now living in it.

someone must’ve kidnapped lee hyunjae and replaced him with someone else. 

every second ticks by relentlessly, and those seconds become hours, and hours become days.

it’s been days since hyunjae has said anything remotely mean to you.

it’s been days since hyunjae has had some kind of a conversation with you.

maybe it was his rounds. 

maybe he lost a patient to another doctor because of a worsening condition. 

the pantry door whirs open while you were filling your flask up with warm water, and the soft sound calls for your attention.

he doesn’t look at you, doesn’t say anything to you, only walking past you to that refrigerator he had you up against not too long ago, stealing kisses when doctor kim walked in on the two of you.

now he was just treating you like you were invisible?

“you look like shit, just so you know,” your lips meet the mouth of the flask as you turn and lean your hip against the counter. 

“didn’t know i dressed to impress.”

a box of eclaires was removed from the refrigerator and he stuffs one into his mouth. 

what game is he playing now?

why was he so distant all of a sudden?

“busy with work? i haven’t heard your annoying ass much in the last... what, three days? or did you fuck up along the way and couldn’t bring yourself to show your face?”

not a muscle in his face twitched as he finishes the eclaire in his mouth, and he slides the box back into the refrigerator.

“you have your problems to handle, and i have mine.”

a frown crawls itself onto your forehead, and something in your heart cracks. 

where has my other ares gone to?

“but i suppose for old times’ sake i could send you home today, you seem like you miss me.”

that was more like it, but why does he sound so... sad?

“i’ll see you in the carpark after work tonight.”

not once do his eyes look at yours when he speaks, and he leaves without another word.

you should have known it better; you should’ve known yourself better, but you don’t. 

what was this difficulty you were finding in your lungs that was preventing you from breathing? what was this feeling of dissatisfaction in your gut when he doesn’t bother to rebut you?

you were so used to listening to him cutting you open with his words after you start a fight with him, so much that now when he doesn’t, it feels like he’s playing you. it feels like you’re just talking to a wall. 

it feels like he’s done entertaining you.

it should’ve felt better. you should’ve felt happier that the fight or war you’ve been fighting for a decade is seemingly coming to an end. 

but you don’t.

was he simply becoming the more professional one at work? did he finally realise that it wasn’t worth it for him to consistently try to break you? was he the first of the two of you to decide that this fight has gone on way too long, and that it was time to stop?

no.

he’s not that quick to resign. 

not to me.

how much does god hate you to put you into the same space as him again, even after ten years, for you to realise that you missed it?

no, it can’t be.

i just missed the free ride home, that’s all.

the lamps along the road paint the asphalt ground a bright amber, but the heavy weight in your chest refuses to remove itself. 

like a tumor nestling itself into your heart, you worry if your knowledge of neurology was enough to fix whatever was wrong with you, provided you could even figure it out first.

again, the silence buries itself in the back of your skull like a piece of metal, like you had split your skull open and you needed it as an implant to help you recover. 

you were drowning in the lack of exchange, the absence of physical touch, the loss of rivalry. 

there was absolutely no reason for you to be so destroyed when everything you hated had finally stopped.

really, grinded to an abrupt stop. 

the vehicle pulls up to your house and he clicks the gears into parking, both arms tightly gripping onto the steering wheel with his eyes looking dead ahead. 

the gentle whirring of the air conditioner in the car was the only thing you could hear besides his heavy breathing, or yours, you couldn’t really tell anymore.

you hesitate for a moment, watching the lines on his forearms come alive again. any other day and you would’ve felt like he was trying to rile you up, but there was something wrong with his energy tonight, you just couldn’t put a pin on it. 

“are you okay?”

the words come out so soft, like a whisper goodnight, like lovers afraid to say goodbye, and you struggle to recognise your own tone, your own choice of words, the very fact that you even bothered to ask him that.

but he turns to you without removing his grip from the steering wheel, and the way he digs into your eyes nearly made you want to throw up.

not from hatred, not from resentment, but because that tumor in your heart responded to his gaze.

the moment freezes, leaves rustling outside your open window, an occasional dog barking in the distance; nothing but him looking at you like you were a statue and you searching his face for any sign that you could decode.

nothing.

he turns away.

“why wouldn’t i be? anyway, we’re here now, so get out already.”

a bodily reflex sends a scoff up your throat as you pull your head away, one hand already on the door handle. 

yet a warm mass lands on your arm to hold you back and some part of you disintegrates into his lips when he kisses you for the first time in almost a week. 

his grip on your arm loosens before he pulls away, and strange, unfamiliar chills down your back, shiny, glimmering eyes looking into yours with just inches between your faces. 

he turns back to the steering wheel and looks ahead, his still manner telling you that he was just waiting for you to get out of the car.

so you do just that.

but why does it feel like you were walking away from him, when you were just going home?

he says something so softly as you shut the door, and you forget about it, thinking that if it was important, he’d text you about it anyway or find some way to get his message across if he really didn’t want to face you anymore. 

but why doesn’t he?

you were sure he said something, but he doesn’t bother yelling at you for closing the door in his face when he said it. 

the car drives off and you notice the moon for the first time in a long time. 

you’ve spent so much time looking down at your feet, making sure that you don’t trip over his shoes, that you’ve completely forgotten that the moon existed. 

you’ve spent so much time trying to be wary of pride and love, that you’ve lost control of what either meant. 

the car disappears in the reflection off the window of your backyard as you walk up the stairs to your front door, the grave feeling of loss and confusion starting to engulf you the same way you were worried your parents were going to choose their careers over their own child.

but that was because you were scared they would love their profession over you.

what were you scared of when it comes to lee hyunjae?

the moon hung outside your backyard glass panes like a round, yellow ball in the sky, the dark hallway that led you into the living room pushes you back into some situational memory. 

his hand around your throat, pushed up against the wall, and you were nothing less than happy about removing his report. 

“son of a gun deserved it anyway,” you hum under your breath, throwing your keys into a small container sitting on top of the shoe rack. 

the air in your apartment was eerily still, the switch clicking when you pushed it down with the lightest of efforts. every little sound, every little move, felt so overwhelming for some strange reason.

sensory overload was the correct term.

you would’ve covered your ears to cancel out your thoughts but it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway.

not when you couldn’t even decipher what was going on in your head.

the device in your back pocket rings, and you watch the screen light up when you grip it in your hand.

unknown number: y/n! it’s eric!

unknown number: i just wanted to see if you were available tomorrow night for dinner?

unknown number: and also to make sure that this is your number 

eric?

pleasant surprise, but your heart no longer does a little jump like it would’ve done four weeks ago. 

you: omg eric

you: how did you get my number?

eric: you didn’t hear this from me

eric: but i managed to hack into the hospital database and dug out your number

you: hack into the database? should i be worried that an intern can hack into the system?

eric: oh, god no. i didn’t hack, i just didn’t realise my account could get me into the database. i tried, and got in.

you: an intern account gets you into the system? strange...

eric: anyway, are you available tomorrow for dinner?

you: yeah, i’m clear

eric: alright, cool. i’ll totally head over to the nrd to get you at 6pm

you: where are we going?

eric: you’ll see tomorrow ;)

you: mysterious, aren’t we?

eric: you’ll see tomorrow, i’m sure you’ll love it. 

you lock your phone and leave it on the kitchen island, the cold, hard surface not a stranger to your back and your skin where it shouldn’t have been in the first place.

the thought shoves itself around in your mind, the stubbornness of such an intangible object so difficult to remove, you wonder if it was ever going to go away on its own.

the night sinks into your blood as the moon hung itself to bare. you try to recall the last time you looked at the moon without thinking about anybody, and it hurt to feel like you should’ve been with someone else under this gorgeous moonlight. 

the familiar corpse that displayed itself across the sky comes round again, and it soon gets hidden behind all the windows of the building.

sanitizer and disinfectant’s become your own scent, the only thing that greets you when you push into the office.

there was nobody next door, but you could tell he was already in because his briefcase was sitting on the floor by his table.

again, you don’t even see his shadow today. 

eric sends you little text every now end then to encourage you on your rounds. you found it a little redundant because there was nothing much to “encourage”, nonetheless, you felt motivated. 

the corpse was staring at you in large, red, digital numbers every time you were at a lift. 

faces that brushed past either earned a polite smile from you or zoned-out eyes.

the research department greets you like a home you didn’t want to return to, the only thing there that yearned for your attention was eric. 

“are you excited for tonight?” eric’s bright, child-like eyes were flitting gorgeously across the span of your face, and for a moment you feel like you were his most important person.

“can’t i know where we’re going?” you pout and notice hyunjae coming out the lift with a file of research material, and he walks to another research officer nearby to ask something.

“no, of course not!” eric rolls his eyes and squints at you. “unless you don’t eat beef.”

hyunjae nods and has the file opened out in his palm, his pupils flying across the page as he flips it. 

“uh... no, i’m not...”

hyunjae struts past your row, attention still mounted to the file while he walks to his cubicle behind you. 

“not what?”

he sees you for a moment. 

but he drops the file on his table and sits down, the clacking on the keyboard sounding like a nightmare from not long ago.

“i... don’t don’t eat beef.”

“oh, that’s a relief.”

“you do realise that question literally tells me we’re having steak or something tonight, right?”

the intern blinks at you innocently before nodding his head, and you give him a light punch to his shoulder, light chuckles run through your throat in soft vibrations.

eric talks to you about steak back home in LA, but you don’t really absorb anything. he sounds like you when you were begging for your parents’ attention; talking about unimportant things.

were your parents like this too?

the lift dings and a familiar faces comes out between the metal doors. he looks tired, less spirited, but somehow more at ease. 

“lee,” he calls out, and you hear the clacking on the keyboard halt. “come with me on my rounds in fifteen, i’d like to introduce one of my patients to you. he just came out of an operation and i’ll be transferring it to you.”

doctor choi reaches hyunjae’s cubicle and the younger male stands up, his jawline suddenly looking extremely glaring to you. 

“okay, i’ll go back to my office to get my patient files.”

they continue the conversation, and eric continues his. 

later that day, the pantry door greets you like the gates to hell, and you see hyunjae standing inside, mug in hand, back against the door as he looks out the window.

why am i here?

the door whirs open when you find yourself pressing your staff ID to the scanner and you grab some tea sachets. 

“you look stressed, messed up a report or two?”

silence.

confusion tightens your facial muscles, and you struggle to find something to do with the tea sachets.

he doesn’t move, he doesn’t say anything, only the slight heave of his shoulders when he breathes.

“am i talking to a ghost now? or did you finally realise that you were just fighting a losing war?”

again, nothing.

hyunjae gives his mug a rinse in the sink next to you, his warmth almost within reach. he avoids your eyes, avoids looking at you altogether, and he leaves.

you wanted to yell at him for ignoring you, but it was a hospital, and you are a professional. 

the sky starts to cry for you, for your confusion, for your lack of grasp on the situation. 

it really feels like you were a lost child in a maze, and you were nowhere near figuring the way out.

droplets of rain were trailing after each other on the window of your office, the orange sun completely disappearing behind those dark, dark clouds despite the rain having stopped.

each drop hits another and it runs down the glass. 

knock knock

“come in,” you call out without looking over your shoulder.

“hey! you ready to go?” 

the greeting earns your attention and you watch eric holding onto his bag like a child. the sight puts a smile on your face and the rain on the window pane bids goodbye to you as you walk over, fingers coming round the handles of your briefcase.

eric holds out a hand for you, like he was asking you to dance.

your spirit ascends a little at the contact, and eric’s grin was so gorgeous.

his warmth was gentle, comforting; it does feel like you were holding a child’s hand.

“are you interested on eating anything else? since you already know we’re going to a steakhouse,” the reflection of the two of you was staring back at you, your hand in his and he was just about a head taller than you. 

if you were with someone else, you’d need to tilt your head higher to even meet his eyes.

“mm... how about--”

ding

the light from the lift pours out around the person inside, and the look on his face crushes your spirit in ways you couldn’t understand.

“hyung!”

hyunjae’s left eye brow twitches, but nothing else moves. 

his legs tear him away from the lift and the wind that brushes across your face when he walks past you offers his scent. 

the only scent that took you away from sanitisers and disinfectant.

why was the day so draining when you barely did anything?

you didn’t go out of your way to do anything big or tiring.

the private room of the restaurant was providing you a gorgeous view of the city outside, and the food was nothing less than great.

yet for some reason, you don’t feel whole.

eric spends most of the dinner talking about his life in LA, why he came back, how he became a neuro-research intern... his life in LA, why he came back, how he became an intern... his life in LA, why he came back and how he became and intern.

my life here, why i’m here with eric, and how i became one half of two areses.

i am half full, but i feel half empty.

half. fifty percent. 

my aphrodite is sitting right infront of me, but why do i feel like i need ares more?

i am ares, so why am i not enough?

if i am brutal, then he is cruel. 

and ares is both.

ares is nothing without the two.

the scent appears in your nose against your will, and the warmth on your thighs melt through your skin into your bones. the taste on your tongue pushes you into a loss of control, and your press your peach tinted lips against each other. your fingers brush your neck where foundation was no more because you didn’t need it. 

half of two is not whole.

i am not whole.

not without him. 

“eric--”

“and i was just so psyched to--”

“eric.”

he stops, the brightness in his face doesn’t fade but his hands start to droop when he notices your eyes staring into the table cloth like you had just seen a dinosaur on it. 

“...are you okay?”

your heart is shaking in your chest like it was having an earthquake, and the nerves in your head start to spark like they were malfunctioning gears.

“i... i need to go.” the briefcase gets wrapped in your hold again, and you pull out a credit card to hand to him. “pay for it with my card and i’ll get it back from you tomorrow--”

“wait, y/n, where are you going?” he stands up, and you realise you were already turning on your heels. 

your body was reacting to your feelings faster than you could process them. comprehending that on its own was enough to uneven your breathing, much less keep your composure in front of him.

where am i going?

the silence was deafening, and you see that split second that eric’s eyes softens into something more mature, something more understanding.

like he knew.

“are you going to look for hyunjae hyung?”

there was a throbbing inside you, but you couldn’t tell if it was from your head or from your chest anymore. eric eyes bury themselves into your soul, and you realise that he was never your aphrodite. 

aphrodite was never yours to begin with.

you were half of two for a reason.

eric crosses the space between you and pulls you into a tight hug. a gulp forces itself down your throat when your chest huffs itself against his.

he pulls away and steps back, giving you a small punch to your shoulder.

“i’ll see you at the office tomorrow, and i’ll pay for the dinner. we’re still friends, right?”

your card gets extended out to you, your teeth grinding against each other in your mouth as you take it from him.

“of course.”

eric nods with satisfaction, sending you off on your way.

“y/n.”

the handle of the door was cold, and you turn to see that you were leaving aphrodite alone in the room.

“your number? i didn’t get it from the system.”

a pause, like he was trying to read your face. 

“he gave it to me.”

how much does god have to hate you for you to spend ten years fighting a war, only to have you wish you weren’t...

because you were in love with the person you’ve been fighting?

the whitening knuckles on your fist urges you to release your hands, the cab coming up around the corner. 

the living room light was dimly lit, so maybe the only thing that was illuminating the house was the kitchen light.

you pay for the cab and your shoes get damp from stepping into a puddle on the pavement.

water dripping from trees and plants into puddles ring like bells in nature, the gravel crumbling behind you as the cab drives off.

the skin on your fingers come into contact of the wooden door, and you stop yourself, wondering if this was right.

your pride. your ego. your desire to win.

what was it worth if you no longer knew was love was?

love was younghoon carrying your bag when he knew he didn’t want to.

love was eric trying his very best to find some way to contact you, sending you texts to encourage you. 

love was him leaving you alone after he realised this was no longer a war fuelled by hatred. 

the sound that emitted from the contact shivers through your fist as you knocked on the door.

i need my other ares, for we are not whole without one another. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 17.5: Inevitibilis

A/N: WHOOO LONG CHAPTER BUT ARE YOU GUYS ALRIGHT HAHAH

[howtowhumpyourhiccup]

Whumptober Day 4: Suck It Up

Summary: Written for Whumptober Day 4. Takes place in my Httyd Zombie AU. Main fic to follow soon. The Dragon Riders exist even in a modern post-apocalyptic world and so the Dragon Hunters. When a pair get their hands on Hiccup, they attempt to do away with him in a rather slow manner.

Rating: Teen and up

Characters: Hiccup, Toothless, Astrid, Snotlout, Fishlegs, Ruffnut, Hookfang

Pairing: None

Words: 2 071

Fandom: How to Train Your Dragon

Prompt: Buried alive

Whumpee: Hiccup

Author’s Notes: I think this is the first prompt I finished for Whumptober and I've been so excited to share this one.

Written for the prompt: Buried alive.

Constructive criticism is appreciated!

Enjoy!

Ao3

----------------------------------------------------------------------

His head pounding and the metal taste of blood on his tongue, that is what Hiccup wakes up to. That and the dusty smell of old wood mixed with dirt. Neither of those three are all that pleasant on their own, let alone mixed together in such a way and all Hiccup can do is groan in displeasure at this sensory experience.

He attempts to bring a hand up to his forehead to hold his head, but finds it blocked by the wood that he's smelling. His hand thunks against it painfully, without a doubt chafing the skin on his knuckles and fingers.

It's right in front of him for some reason and it's a struggle to bring his hand up and feel the drying blood staining one side of his face.

A head wound. He's had so many by now that he can just tell. He hopes he hasn't been out for too long or he might be in more trouble than he can afford.

With this sudden resurfacing to the land of the conscious, his groaning is met by muffled chuckling and something being dropped with a scrambled thud on something hollow. Like dirt being shoveled.

It isn't until it happens a second and a third time that he realizes that this sound is much too close for comfort and specks of dust fall on his face that he realizes that dirt is being dropped on him.

"He-hey! What's-" He coughs, turning to not get lungfuls of dust only to find that this space is too small for him to even properly turn.

Opening his eyes, or trying to with all that dirt, he sees old wooden planks with the occasional mistreated spider's web in front of him. A quick look provides him with no comfort and he finds he's surrounded by these planks. He swiftly realizes the position that he's in.

He's being buried alive.

"Oh no... Oh no, no, no, no, no, no!" He repeats it over and over again, coughing more than once with all the grime falling between the teeny tiny cracks between the uneven boards.

Those cracks are the only reason he can even see as slivers of moonlight can still wiggle their way inside.

The chuckling from outside comes again and two people are talking about something he can't quite understand. He doesn't recognize the voices either, but remembering the predicament he'd been in before he blacked out gives him all the answers he needs.

Dragon Hunters. Not Viggo's men, not anymore, not since Krogan took over. But though their master has changed, their hatred for the Dragon Riders has not. They've managed to get their hands on him and now they are trying to dispose of him in an utmost terrible way.

There's no reasoning with them, not with these people. So all Hiccup can do is try to break free.

There is very little he can do. A panic causes him to slam his fists on the boards, he kicks them until his toes hurt, and almost too late does he see the nails poking out of some of them. Clearly they'd torn down some aged rickety whatever to quickly put a poorly made coffin together. No care had been put in removing unnecessary nails.

One of the nails scrape against a pinky finger and the burning causes his hand to start trembling. He's glad he noticed the nails before he impaled his fist on it, but that scrape is still worrying. His skin broke just enough to bleed and the last thing he needs is to catch tetanus.

But he can't let those concerns stop him. He needs to get out of this coffin before he's been completely buried and he can't get out anymore.

They can hear him struggle and it's reason for humor amongst the Hunters burying him. They find his growing panic hilarious. Every pounding of his fist on the top of the coffin in the hopes of breaking through the wood, of dislocating a board just enough to tear it away, it brings forth new chuckles and he can imagine the smug smirks on their faces. The sound of his struggling must be like music to their ears.

Hiccup coughs again, tasting the dirt and the falling webs on his tongue and gags. What little light there is in this death trap is being taken from him as more and more ground is shoveled on his coffin. His heart is racing.

His fists and kicks are doing nothing. Besides a scrape, he can't muster up the strength required to do any real damage even to himself in such a small space. And he can't turn in some vain attempt to push with his shoulders or back.

"Bud! BUD! TOOTHLESS!" So Hiccup shouts at the top of his lungs as his list of options is depleted much too quickly. He's hoping beyond hope that his Night Fury's exceptional hearing will pick up on his calls.

He should be conserving his air and just hope that his Dragon Riders will find him in time. They should know by now that he's missing, they rarely separate for long as it is. They should know he's missing and know that this means he's in trouble.

"GUYS!" He shouts and hears his voice reverberating off the walls surrounding him and make his eardrums protest. It does his headache little favors as well as his growing frantic need to get out as well as the steady loss of air.

And then the last of his light is stolen, that little bit of airflow is cut off, when they finish covering the top of his coffin entirely with loose dirt.

How long will it take them to finish leveling this unmarked grave they've thrown him in? How long until they leave? How long until his air runs out? Surprisingly enough, he never thought to research for how long you can breathe when you're buried alive before the Outbreak.

"Please, please find me." He pleads for no one to hear.

Hiccup grabs fistfuls of his shirt, attempting to calm his breathing even as the gravity of his predicament threatens to suffocate the life out of him. It takes him everything not to hyperventilate. He can feel tears welling up, can feel the lump in the throat and he holds his breath for a full three seconds before he dares to breathe out.

His effort to keep his emotions in check is almost in vain, and tears do wet his face before he can feel the need to cry slowly ebb away, forcing that overwhelming emotion to back down.

He's been doing this for too long to let something like this break his control over himself, the control he's been so carefully protecting and crafting this entire time.

Though getting buried alive is certainly a first for him.

'Please find me. Someone, please find me. Please, please, please. Please, Toothless. Astrid.' He has to think his pleas as saying them will only waste what precious air he has left for now.

It's what his Dragon Riders have been counting on for the past three years and a half. His level head, his creativity, his ability to sometimes have control over whatever situation they find themselves in this time. He can't lose that.

They count on him. They count on him, he just has to remember that and hold onto that fact.

Attempting to imagine their fear, them realizing that they can't rely on their leader, he wants to use the discomforting thought of his loved ones being afraid to keep himself in check.

It's working.

They need him and that means he can't die. He just has to tell himself that.

The sweating and trembling of his body, his heart racing, his headache's pounding worsening aren't signs that he's failing. And neither is the near bruising grip on his arms or the nearly dried tears returning with a vengeance.

His squeezes his eyes shut, they streak down his temple.

"C'mon, Bud. C'mon." They leave as whispers as he can feel these cramped walls closing in on him, he can't keep them down. It's getting harder and harder to breathe and he's not sure if it's because of his panicking or because his air is already running out.

How long has it been?  He hasn't owned a watch or a digital clock, like a phone, in such a long time. He hasn't missed a mobile device or even thought about having one since he's lost his months after Outbreak Day after it had run out of battery long before that. But the light would've been appreciated. He has a lighter, but a flame, even as little as that one, will only eat away at what little oxygen still present.

Oh, where is his trusty flashlight? Where is it?

"C'mon, guys. C'mon..."

It's just as he's starting to lose hope and his panic is nearing a point of no return that the sound of hurried shuffling finally reaches his ears. The layers of dirt above his coffin are quickly being removed.

He dares to open his eyes, but his bruising grip or his hurried breathing don't let up. He has to blink a couple of times as more dust falls, but then the layers go and he hears voices. He recognizes them instantly and they become clearer and clearer.

It's them. They found him!

"There! There, I can see wood!" He can hear Tuffnut shouting, immediately followed by impatient whining and claws clawing away the last layers to then scratch at the box itself.

"Toothless?" Hiccup asks and the slivers of moonlight returns to him.

"Hiccup? Hiccup, can you hear me? We're here!" And that's Astrid. He can just barely hear her over the clawing, but that's definitely her.

His panic doesn't leave. It isn't until Toothless manages to grab hold of the lid and rips it open that light and air wash over him like a rampant wave crashing on a rocky cliffside.

His Night Fury is the first one he sees.

"Bud," He whispers.

The fresh air hits him like a truck and Hiccup inhales as much of it as he can. Toothless lets out a pained moan and smashes their faces together in his want to touch his human, to feel his warmth and his presence, to be comforted by the fact that he's still alive and they got to him in time.

Their cheeks pressed together, Hiccup holds his dragon's cheeks to keep him close. His hands are still shivering and he has to suppress the sobs of relief.

"Toothless, how about we get him out of there?" Astrid suggests, laying a hand on his shoulder, and the Night Fury reluctantly moves out of the way.

Once they can, the Riders grab him and swiftly haul him out of his would-be grave. Fishlegs and Snotlout each grab an arm to pull on.

Out of the box and into the open air, Hiccup stands on his feet only to find his legs too wobbly. So they lower him down onto the ground and Toothless is by his side again. Astrid kneels at his one available side and dusts him off.

"Are you okay? We got worried when you didn't return from your supply run and..."

"We were expecting to find you bleeding out or in trouble or something. Never would've thought they would bury you alive." Ruffnut speaks up, her hand holding her other arm.

The Dragon Riders are gathered around him, both the humans and the dragons. Hookfang blows some grime out of his hair.

"Yeah, I'm happy to be out, too." Hiccup tells him, scratching the Nightmare's chin.

"Well, we're happy too, but can you answer my question now? Are you okay?" Astrid repeats her question as Hiccup has neglected to answer it before.

He looks at her for a moment and nods.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine, I just-I just need a moment." He tells her, though it is the opposite of how he actually feels.

He feels awful. Though he's out now, he's weak with fear. This won't be an experience he'll just get to forget like some others.

But he'll just have to suck it up.

That's what he's been doing for well over the past three years, just sucking it up and accept that this is his reality now. No harm in repressing this bad experience as well.

[kakusboyfriend]

Sdr2 boys with an autistic s/o!

Okay so I'm autistic and the lack of autistic s/o prompts out there is making me Dry inside. Lets get this bread

Also please forgive me if I write any of them wrong! I'm still learning about all of these dudes

Disclaimer! Shsl Imposter/Twogami's gender is not specified and they're referred to with they/them! It wouldn't make me comfortable to put them on this list :^)

Hajime Hinata

As soon as he learns you're autistic he does a lot of research on what autism is like for autistic people, how to help you with sensory overload, etc etc

Always asking you if what he's doing is okay! Is this too much noise? Is the texture bad? Do you not like the lights?

Absolutely not bothered when you go nonverbal; he's more than pleased to have a little bit of silence if we're being honest. He can't read sl well so he'll give you something to write on if you want to!

He loves seeing you happy stim!!! It brings such a warm smile to his face — Hajime just adores when you're happy altogether but seeing you stim makes his heart go !

He's not very good at social situations to begin with so if you want to stay at home and watch your favorite comfort cartoon/movie, he doesn't mind it!

Do you want him to put his leg on you for pressure? Hug you a bit tighter? Let you hang around gripping his arm? Mess with his hair? He's all mushy and soft about this skdnsksnj! He knows you're opening yourself to seek him as a source of comfort and it melts his heart sm

Nagito Komaeda

Oh this boy. Due to his dementia he actually relates to what you experience in social situations a lot — no, I'm not comparing this to a lethal disease. The symptoms, however, are similar to the characteristics in autistic people! So he relates to you but won't say its the same thing at all

His hair is sensory heaven. Literally, it's so fluffy! Pet it please. He craves physical affection to begin with, so it's a plus for him! He also loves seeing how much you're infatuated with his hair alone

Buys you anything that you think might be good to stim with! He helps you keep everything clean and organised so you don't get stressed over losing them, and makes sure he has at least one with him when you two go out, he would hate seeing you stressed.

If you go nonverbal he also has no problem with it at all! He knows sl and is definitively up to teach it to you if you think it would be helpful, too. If you just want to be quiet, he can be just as good of a company!

When he says stuff like threats to himself (wanting to die, killing himself) and you get worried because read him too seriously he backs off of it and says its not serious (and he's sincere this time) because you're the brightest spotlight of hope in his life, and losing it would mean losing the chance to be with you

Kazuichi Souda

This sweet boy!!! Sometimes he forgets what exactly you need, like sensory wise, but backs off really quickly if what he's doing hurts you in that sense

He also loves fiddling with things so if you want to borrow some tools from him so you can fiddle with its no problem! He might make a handmade fidget toy for you later on!

Sometimes he yells too much and that causes a sensory overload, and as soon as he realizes it he's so so so apologetic. The baby

Loves it when you play with different textures and tell him how much you love them!! Like yes!!!! He also loves different textures differently so he'll share his own favorites with you!

A PASSION FOR YOU INFODUMPING. He'll sit there, mouth agape, as he notices how adorable and precious you are when you happy stim while you talk about your special interest!!!! He just wants to know what you love!!!!!

Fuyuhiko Kuruzuyu

The sort of bastard who made autistic jokes until he met you, and you made him understand that autism isn't actually anything to ridicule. He will absolutely punch someone if they berate you because of your autism now!

His hair is short and fuzzy — perfect for rubbing! Though please don't do it too hard or fast you don't want to hurt him :^(

Can also be very noisy, but he cuts it out around you. Turns soft spoken and gentle because you can't differentiate friendly aggression x real aggression. It's super sweet but only you get to see this part of him; he has a reputation to maintain!

Usually, he's the shorter one in the relationship, so you can completely envelop him like a little teddy bear! Don't crush him, though; just hug him tight! If he's on the same height level he'll insist to be the big spoon and add a lot of pressure (not enough to hurt you) as he hugs you!

When you happy stim, he gives you a soft, warm and genuine smile. He's so enamoured with you and the happiness you're experiencing makes him so so so full of passion

Overall, he's been so rough with everyone else, but you're different in more ways than being autistic. He may sound condescending at times, but as soon as you call him out on it, he never repeats the behavior again. He's just scared to hurt you

Gundham Tanaka

Another loud little man, this fucker. You're the only one 'spared' from his thunderous introductions and speeches — he speaks normally around you. He'd rather die than hurt his king/queen/monarch of darkness

Lets his animals run all over you! Especially the very fluffy ones since you seem to love that. When they lay on you and you comment on how much you like the pressure, he lets them get around you even more!

He knows how hatred for being touched feels like — he took a while to open up to you, for starters. If you don't want to be touched, he absolutely understands and will support you in any other way until you're up for it again.

He's known for eloquent and unclear speech, but will be more straightforward for you. He wants you to understand him after all sksbsmdnn dumb bastard

If anyone is mean to you bc of autism, he will make it so they Suffer the Plague of the God Of Darkness. For real tho, he'll get really pissed off, and might use a predator to attack the ableist asshole, who knows!

If your special interest is animal he. Is. Absolutely. Fucking. Crying. You both infodump to each other until you're too tired to do anything anymore and just lay around tangled together, knowing the other understands and loves you for who you are!

Teruteru Hanamura

Doesn't make innuendos anymore when you start dating, for starters. If he's in a mood he'll just say it, since he knows it's hard for you to understand metaphors and wordplay, but is more than okay with a no.

Also loves it when you play with his hair! He misses how his mom used to care for him, and now he's so fond of you just being into him genuinely that he would do anything for him

Soft and squishy! Perfect for hugging! He's really short and can be used as a teddy bear too! Though he prefers to be the small spoon so he can feel your body lovingly enveloping his

You got a specific food that you eat and it needs to be prepared in a specific way? He's on it! And he absolutely nails it every time, its no issue for him! No matter how complicated or simple, he can make do and will be so pleased when you say its perfect!

Manages to get you out of shitty social situations fairly quickly. If you're nonverbal, he won't be able to communicate through asl, but any other way is also fine! If you're not overstimulated, he'll also give you soft hugs and sit on ur lap, resting his head on your shoulder

Nekomaru Nidai

So you're a little different huh? That's so good!!! He loves it! The fact you're not like anyone he knows makes you even more perfect to him!

He'll boast about his perfect s/o a lot! He's very loud and proud about you! The dream giant lovebug :^)

Can get a little too wild while training and also loud, so you can easily be overloaded. Encourages you not to be there when he trains with someone like owari because he knows he won't be thinking coherently enough to remember not to yell, and if roughhousing gets you uncomfortable this certainly will be worse. He's worried about you!

Wraps all over you when you're cuddling if you're okay with him doing that! Will also get you tons of weighted blankets because he's worried about how quickly they'll deteriorate dkdndkdn

If something is bothering you somewhere and you want to leave he'll just give u a piggyback ride! Its lovely to have you so close to him, also he gets to make u comfy!

Loves to indulge in your special interests if he can! You wanna marathon a show? He's on it! You wanna watch a documentary on snakes? He's already making popcorn!

Just a huge teddy bear baby. He loves you so SO much and is so filled with pride about how amazing u are!

[beeblackburn]

Pretender Reads A Little Hatred, Part I, Chapter One

It's time. Goes without saying spoilers ahead for the entirety of The First Law works beyond the keep reading. Read at your own risk.

PART I

"The age is running mad after innovation;

and all the business of the world

is to be done in a new way.”

—Dr Johnson

No joke? This quotes gave me chills as a declaration of authorial intent. I have a slightly more optimistic view of The First Law’s world, but even I knew the first trilogy’s intent was, beyond commenting on how much Abercrombie dug Lord of the Rings so much that he wrote a trilogy to show his... appreciation, to show that, as much as people want to change, they are helpless to actually commit by their pasts, being pieces and pawns to the old ways and grudges of Bayaz and Khalul’s “great” war of two old assholes fighting over grudges kept alive solely two great powers butting heads over wrongs long past. 

That human nature is fundamentally unchanging.

But, at the same time? Abercrombie’s throwing down a gauntlet with this quote. With the new flavor of fantasy he’s promising, the new generation of characters he has to usher in to spearhead that new age, he has to change. He cannot rehash the old stories. Cannot repeat the old patterns. Cannot force the old systems continuing to work, having grown rusty and creaky with age. History has to move forward. Meaning he has to pave the path to new ways. The question is, new way in what manner? New ways as in a social progress, positive change, a better world? Or new ways as in Bayaz changing from magic to money, and from spells to cannons, in order to assert the same small-minded ideal of might makes right with different tools? 

It’s a new age of madness, but with human nature being what it is? Abercrombie has shown that a little hatred goes a long way to lead us to stepping upon old roads left behind our parents, who they themselves trod on by their predecessors.

Chapter Title: Blessings and Curses Point-of-View: Rikke

“Rikke.”

She prised one eye open. A slit of stabbing, sickening brightness.

“Come back.”

She pushed the spit-wet dowel out of her mouth with her tongue and croaked the one word she could think of. “Fuck.”

Now isn’t that just a typical Abercrombie sentiment. Actually, what I want to focus on is how this opening is lean compared to The Blade Itself:

Logen plunged through the trees, bare feet slipping and sliding on the wet earth, the slush, the wet pine needles, breath rasping in his chest, blood thumping in his head. He stumbled and sprawled onto his side, nearly cut his chest open with his own axe, lay there panting, peering through the shadowy forest.

—The Blade Itself, The End

From Blessings and Curses, we already see a much apparent crispness of voice, short paragraphs broken apart, an unusual situation of a girl opening one eye and having to come back (come back from what?) There’s a surreal quality that Logen’s opening, as much as I like it as an introduction to The Blade Itself, can’t beat beyond the chapter title. Yet, to remind us it’s Abercrombie, someone has to say fuck. Because of course.

“There’s my girl!” Isern squatted beside her, necklace of runes and finger bones dangling, grinning that twisted grin that showed the hole in her teeth and offering no help at all.

HOLY FUCK IT’S CRUMMOCK’S SHIN-KICKER AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

“I saw folk falling from a high tower. Dozens of ’em.” She winced at the thought of them hitting the ground. “I saw folk hanged. Rows of ’em.” Her gut cramped at the memory of swinging bodies, dangling feet. “I saw … a battle, maybe? Below a red hill.”

Isern sniffed. “This is the North. Takes no magic to see a battle coming. What else?”

“I saw Uffrith burning.” Rikke could almost smell the smoke still. She pressed her hand to her left eye. Felt hot. Burning hot.

“What else?”

“I saw a wolf eat the sun. Then a lion ate the wolf. Then a lamb ate the lion. Then an owl ate the lamb.”

“Must’ve been a real monster of an owl.”

“Or a tiny little lamb, I guess? What does it mean?”

So, full disclosure here: I did read the A Little Hatred blurb before reading, so I already knew we were getting something like this... but holy shit, we’re seriously getting a prophet? I’m going to talk my precise thoughts on this later, in full first impressions of Rikke as a character, but man, I usually hate prophecies and prophets, but with Abercrombie? Dude’s earned enough credit (specifically, everything to do with Grom-gil-Gorm’s prophecy in the Shattered Sea series) at my trust bank to get me to care. And I love how Rikke can still feel the sensory details of her visions, the costs of magic. Magic.

Also, am I a terrible person for, seeing the eats in the prophecy, immediately thinking Eaters? I probably am.

I’ll hold off on dissecting the prophecy at the chapter’s end. 

"Well, I can unveil two secrets right away.” Rikke groaned as she pushed herself up onto one elbow. “My head hurts and I shat myself.”

"That second one’s no secret, anyone with a nose is party to it.”

"Shitty Rikke, they’ll call me." She wrinkled her nose as she shifted. “And not for the first time.”

"Your problem is in caring what they call you.”

There’s definitely a very winning formula with how Rikke and Isern’s dynamic works: the young, soft-hearted naif butting and bouncing heads against the more world-weary, a touch twisted, experienced warrior. Rikke complains about how much the world will react to her, Isern tells her to suck it up because Rikke doesn’t have to care at all.

Also, not going to lie: part of why I love Rikke is that she shits herself during her visions and fits. It undercuts the mystique of magic with the unpleasant consequences, grounded in reality.

Isern tapped under her left eye. “You say cursed with fits, I say blessed with the Long Eye.”

So. First off, fun fact:

Crummock spun one of the wooden signs on his necklace round and around. “I can’t see her letting Bethod lose, and herself along with him, can you? A witch as clever as that one? There’s all kinds of magic she could mix. All kinds of blessings and curses. All kinds of ways that bitch could tilt the outcome, as though the chances weren’t tilted enough already.”

—Last Argument of Kings, Leaves on the Water

History echoes, doesn’t it? Another i-Phail, another user of the Long Eye, and a discussion about the blessings and curses of magic. The players are different, but the sentiments are similar enough to ripple from the past to the present.

Now, my first reaction to reading this part of the blurb was: WHOA WHOA WHOA, Caurib’s Long Eye from The First Law trilogy? OH MY GOD!!!!! Just more connective tissue to link this book from its past, the earliest roots of Abercrombie’s world-building, when he was still tinkering with what he wanted (long eye isn’t even capitalized in The First Law’s mention of it). It’s a nice reference for us long-time readers and a magical power for the new readers. 

Mind you, all I’m thinking is: was Caurib, every time she was decked out and being impossibly beautiful in the way Abercrombie wrote her... was she actually having fits and headaches and shitting for her visions? Because, wow, I can only imagine how frustrated she must’ve been having to make public appearances. I can just imagine her wishing everyone would fuck off so she could have headaches and shit in peace. Already makes me like Caurib a lot more now.

“Huh.” Rikke rolled onto her knees and her stomach kept on rolling and tickled her throat with sick. By the dead, she felt sore and squeezed out. Twice the pain of a night at the ale cup and none of the sweet memories. “Doesn’t feel like much of a blessing to me,” she muttered, once she’d risked a little burp and fought her guts to a draw.

I really do appreciate how much Abercrombie grounds and mixes a curse into magical “blessings.” I was really skeptical of putting in some last trace of magic in anyone, but Rikke’s right in it not being a blessing, and considering magic is on its last legs, there’s no way Bayaz won’t meet her later and clutch his monstrous hands on her Long Eye, teaching her finesse in exchange for getting to aim where it goes towards.

Another tool. Another weapon to kill his enemies.

"Might have to rope you in future, make sure you don’t crack your nut and end up a drooler like my brother Brait. At least he can keep his shit in, mind you.” 

HOW MANY SONS DID CRUMMOCK HAVE. THE FUCK!? I can’t even find a Brait anywhere except The Heroes and that was clearly not him. For one, he didn’t drool!

“My head still aches so bad I can feel it in my teeth.” Rikke wanted to shout but knew it’d hurt too much, so she had to whine it soft instead. “I need no more small discomforts.”

“Life is small discomforts, girl! They’re how you know you are alive.”

Another part of why I like Rikke so much is that, as a character starting out, she whines. A decent amount. She’s admittedly got some good reason to do so, but as the narrative points out and Isern especially, at least living means you get to whine about it and too much of it will only enable more discomfort, make the pain bigger. There’s intentional room to grow for Rikke and the fact that Abercrombie lets her be a bit of a whiner at the risk of alienating readers is a writer’s courage I always try to emulate. 

Character development’s has to start somewhere.

“Guess not. Just, in the songs, it’s a thing witches and magi and deep-wise folk used to see into the fog of what comes. Not a thing that makes idiots fall down and shit themselves.”

“In case you never noticed, bards have a habit of dressing things up. There is a fine living, d’you see, in songs about deep-wise witches, but in shitty idiots, less.”

Snrrrrrk. I got to love how Abercrombie shades lesser and classic fantasies. He does so well with it.

“And proving you have the Long Eye is no simple matter. You cannot force it open. You must coax it.” And Isern tickled Rikke under the chin and made her jerk away. “Take it up to the sacred places where the old stones stand so the moon might shine full upon it. But it’ll see what it sees when it chooses, even so.” 

Huh. Crummock made it clear that there was something special about the moon during his time in Last Argument of Kings. I assumed it was solely just him thinking the moon’s love made men more violent and strong, but did he think it could influence magic? Given his more singular focus on violence and his clear Bloody-Nine murderboner fanboying, I think Crummock was a lot more close-minded about how the moon can affect things. Isern’s a lot more flexible, by comparison.

(Also, are those sacred places that fortress Logen and Crummock and the rest had their last stand in the High Places? Crummock did say it was well loved of the moon...)

“War?”

“It’s when a fight gets so big almost no one comes out of it well.”

“I know what it bloody is.” Rikke had a spot of fear growing at the nape of her neck which she couldn’t shrug off however much she wriggled her shoulders. “But there’s been peace in the North all my lifetime.”

“My da used to say times of peace are when the wise prepare for violence.”

“Your da was mad as a bootful of dung.”

“And what does your da say? Few men so sane as the Dogman.”

Rikke wriggled her shoulders one more time, but nothing helped. “He says hope for the best and prepare for the worst.”

Isern’s first line is true, but also makes me think of all the Northmen who came into war, looking for glory and a Name, and came out dead or unable to stop killing, their bloody footsteps followed by fellow warriors with same dreams of glory and a Name, just younger. War chews up men and spits them out, dead or alive, no one living coming out without trauma and/or a score of dead friends.

Also, Dogman’s daughter, huh! Good on him for managing to raise a decent child in the Circle of the World, even if she has her share of flaws. Rikke certainly reminds me of a softer, more whinier Dogman, yet still decent.

Rikke blinked at her. ‘You can’t have been ten years old.’

‘Old enough to kill a man.’

‘What?’

‘Used to carry my da’s hammer, ’cause the smallest should take the heaviest load, but that day he was fighting with the hammer so I had his spear. This very one.’ Its butt tapped the rhythm of their walking on the path. ‘My da knocked a man down, and he was trying to get up, and I stabbed him right up the arse.’

‘With that spear?’ Rikke had come to think of it as just a stick Isern carried. A stick that happened to have a deerskin cover over one end. She didn’t like thinking there was a blade under there. Especially not one that had been up some poor bastard’s arse.

I love Abercrombie’s humor, especially given how actually rather depressing Isern’s age of killing was. It always serves to give levity to some heavy stuff in the story, preventing the darkness from choking most people whole. It’s the “poor bastard” part of that last line that brings the smile and laughter out.

“Girl, you have a ring through your nose.” 

“I am aware.” And Rikke stuck her tongue out and touched the tip to it. “It keeps me tethered.”

Hey, you want to know another part of why I really like Rikke? Nose rings are fucking cool. Gives her a distinct appearance and fashion.

Now if only other prophets had nose rings instead of cloaks and vague portents, I wouldn’t find them so bloody boring.

“You’ve a wolf on your shield,” she said.

“Stour Nightfall’s mark,” growled the big man, with a hint of pride, and Rikke saw he had a wolf on his shield, too, though his was scuffed almost back to the wood.

(Looks at his book) Well, shit! The cover’s actually relevant. I was eyeing the UK cover better, but now that this US/Can one has meaning, I can accept it.

Also, Stour Nightfall is the coolest fucking name. Can’t wait to meet him!

“Nightfall’s the greatest warrior since the Bloody-Nine!” piped up the young one. “He’s going to take back Angland and drive the Union out o’ the North!” 

(Arches an eyebrow) I don’t take issue with taking back Angland, there’s some valid enough history with Casamir that I don’t blame the North for it, but how did what I theorized to be Calder’s son become such a beef-cake? But really? Greatest warrior since the Bloody-Nine? I can’t help but think him a cut-price Bloody-Nine now.

“The Union?” And Rikke looked down at the wolf’s head badly daubed on his badly made shield. "A wolf ate the sun,” she whispered.

Thank you, Rikke, I studied English lit in high school. I can do my own analysis of symbolism and visions.

Rikke’s arrow stuck into his back, just under his shoulder blade.

Her turn to say, “Oh,” not sure whether she’d meant to let go the string or not.

A flash of metal and the old man’s head jolted, the blade of Isern’s spear catching him in the throat. He dropped his own spear, grabbed for her with clumsy fingers.

“Shush.” Isern slapped his hand away and ripped the blade free in a black gout.

The inexperienced child and hardened warrior dynamic continues with Rikke accidentally, not knowing if she meant to or not, dooming a boy to death and Isern, experienced hand at the black business, aims for the kill and gives her enemies no ground to gain leverage upon her. But, ultimately...

“You killed ’em.” Rikke felt all hot. There were some red speckles on her hand. The big one was lying on his face, shirt soaked dark.

“You killed this one,” said Isern. The lad knelt there, making these squeaky little gasps as he tried to reach around his back to the arrow shaft, though what he’d do if he got his fingertips to it, Rikke had no idea.

... no one’s hands in this world remain clean for too long.

“Then killing ’em was all o’ the one choices we had, eh? Your problem is you’re all heart.” And she stabbed Rikke in the tit with one bony finger.

“Ow!” Rikke took a step away, holding her arms across her chest. “That hurts, you know!”

“You’re all heart all over, so you feel every sting and buffet. You must make of your heart a stone.” And Isern thumped her ribs with a fist, the finger bones around her neck rattling. “Ruthlessness is a quality much loved o’ the moon.” As if to prove the point, she bent down and heaved the dead lad into the bushes. “A leader must be hard, so others don’t have to be.”

First off, I stabbed my own chest with my own finger just now to see how much it hurt. I can only imagine the increased discomfort with doing it to breasts.

Second off, to give my first impressions of Rikke... well, it’s funny. I once talked to a great friend of mine who we love to talk tropes and stories and fiction about and I told him I generally don’t gravitate to the rougher shit-talking tomboy and the prophet character tropes. To be quite frank, the former bores me on general lack of craft (everyone seems to think the trope itself constitutes a strong personality!) and the latter is just dry plot exposition on two legs generally, full of billowing cloaks and being fuck-useless 99% of the story.

Rikke might have been love at first sight for a few reasons.

The consequences of prophecy. I keep nailing this point, but I do for a reason: I have rarely seen a prophet actually endure physical ailments for their magical gifts, and the headaches, the fits, the burning hot eye, and the shitting? It helps ground Rikke’s struggles in less abstract details so we can sympathize better. We might not have had visions, but we’ve had headaches, hot eyes and shat before.

She’s got a personality! She’s rough, she gives as good verbally as she gets, but she’s also kind and not someone who goes for violence as a first resort. But, at the same time, she’s definitely got her flaws. She’s a whiner. There’s a touch of naivety and inexperience that shows when she talks how times were different when Dogman was fighting and Isern shuts that illusion down, there’s even a softness in her with how she said they should’ve given Stour’s thugs a chance.

Her partnership dynamic with Isern is really winning, allowing more of her personality to bounce off of Isern while having some sass of her own to snap back at Isern, allowing her to have a personality to bounce off of. It allows for development of both characters in a way that Abercrombie’s first attempt at having an early traveling pair in Malacus Quai and Logen can never match, given all the personality leaping off the screen.

The tonal difference. Rikke is a really decent kid dropped into the Circle of the World. In any other series, my eyes would glaze over in boredom. In here? There’s so much misery and depressing reality that happens in the Circle of the World, that it looks like it’ll be a treat to see how she’ll interacts with the older, hardened generation of characters and how much decency might touch upon them. And that only makes Isern’s advice to her all the more interesting. Because her being all heart is hardly Bayaz’s ideal tool and I get the sense that her turning her heart into stone won’t be a smooth ride.

The nose ring. I’m sorry if it makes me shallow, but that’s a cool design choice and love the tethered justification.

The morning mist was long faded and she could see all the way across the patchwork of new-planted fields to Uffrith, wedged in against the grey sea behind its grey wall. Where her father’s old hall stood with the scraggy garden out the back. Safe, boring Uffrith, where she’d been born and raised. Only it was burning, just the way she’d seen it, and a great column of dark smoke rolled up and smudged the sky, drifting out over the restless sea.

(winces) Well, that’s one part of the prophecy dealt with.

Isern wandered from the trees with her spear across her shoulders and a great smile across her face. ‘You know what this means?’

‘War?’ whispered Rikke, horrified.

“Aye, that.” Isern waved it away like it was a trifle. “But more to the matter, I was right!” And she clapped Rikke on the shoulder so hard she near knocked her down. “You do have the Long Eye!”

Hah! Somehow, Isern, I think she won’t take the blessing of that statement and only see the curse of it.

So! Theory-crafting on the prophecy itself!

The only tower I know of in the North was in the High Places, and given Isern’s with Rikke, I can imagine that’s certainly plausible. Either that or somewhere in the Union, given its towers, especially the Tower of Chains? 

The battle below a red hill will be one of our battle set-pieces. Definitely something like the Casualties chapter in The Heroes.

Uffrith already burnt, but it was the first thing to happen, so the people hanged from towers and the red hill battle are yet to happen.

“I saw a wolf eat the sun” Stour taking down the Union. 

“Then a lion ate the wolf” Leo taking down Stour, which I’d normally take as a sign I shouldn’t get invested because I already know the outcome... but given Grom-gil-Gorm’s prophecy twist, I think there’s plenty of ways this could easily turn twisted, especially with Black Calder about. 

“Then a lamb ate the lion” I heard a decent amount of people say they thought it’d be straight-up Lamb and, man, NO. The point of Red Country is that, deep down, Lamb was only pretending to be a lamb and was really a wolf in lambswool. Someone who genuinely is worthless... Orso, from the blurb, seems to fit the bill, given that Leo’s been hoping for help there.

“Then an owl ate the lamb.” Bayaz with Orso. Owls are symbolized as knowledge and Bayaz’s being the First of the Magi, feels right for that... and given that Orso is part of the royal family and how Bayaz “ate” Jezal, I can’t say him repeating it with Orso is implausible. My only worry is, how will this be new from Bayaz and Jezal’s deal?

PART I

Chapter One: Blessings and Curses Chapter Two: Where the Fight’s Hottest Chapter Three: Guilt Is a Luxury Chapter Four: Keeping Score Chapter Five:  A Little Public Hanging Chapter Six: The Breakers Chapter Seven: The Answer to Your Tears Chapter Eight: Young Heroes Chapter Nine: The Moment

[two-are-the-trees]

31 Days of Poe Day 11: “The Tell-Tale Heart”

“The Tell-Tale Heart” is one of Poe’s most famous and renowned works, reaching levels of recognition alongside “The Raven” and “Annabelle Lee.” It has been referenced and parodied in numerous ways (including the all-important honor of a Spongebob episode) and still proves just as chilling to readers today as it did when it was first written. There is no sense of melancholy or tragedy in this tale, just pure primal anticipation and shocked horror at what the darkest parts of humanity are capable of. The building tension, gruesome violence, and terrifying instability of the narrator all combine in Poe’s most heart-pounding (pun intended) tale. 

The story is told from the perspective of a man attempting to assure the reader of his own sanity. He begins to tell the tale of his troubled relationship with an old man whom he looked after. He claims to have harbored no ill will for the old man, however, he grew increasingly more disturbed by one of the man’s eyes, which he describes as cold and vulture-like. This mania leads the narrator to the conclusion that he must dispose of the old man in order to rid himself of the eye. From here, the narrator gives a detailed and methodical account of how he did away with his master and the strange events that followed. 

The most innovative and fascinating aspect of “The Tell-Tale Heart” is the complicated perspective of the narrator. He is very clear and detailed when describing his tale, explaining his reasoning behind every decision in order to assure his audience that he is completely aware of his actions and remains in his right mind. The irony is, however, that everything the narrator does to cement his own sanity actually indicates that he is a deeply troubled person and possesses very unusual reasoning. The narrator’s fixation on the eye is the first signal of this. The is fully able to understand that his hatred of the eye and his feelings toward the old man are in no way related, yet he cannot explain why the eye upsets him so much, even to the point of violence. He is willing to kill the old man just in order to rid himself of the eye, with no thought to the consequences of his actions. From this point, the reader is forced to decide how reliable the narrator actually is, creating an underlying tension throughout the story that only builds as the narrator becomes more outwardly unhinged. 

Poe’s language is also chilling in this tale, to reflect the turbulent thoughts of a narrator who has just murdered in cold blood. Through the narrator, he describes every small emotion and detail involving the murder. Horrifying anticipation builds at an agonizingly slow pace as Poe describes the narrator slowly opening the bedroom door by inches and carefully opening the lantern by minute degrees. We feel both the fear of the narrator and the fear of the old man lying in the dark as the old man’s heartbeat provides the only frantic sound in the oppressive darkness. This moment where both the murderer and victim wait in the dark room is one of Poe’s most impressive scenes. The tension becomes almost unbearable and the narrator’s calculated analysis of the old man’s progress of fear comes off like a predator stalking its prey. It’s the fear of unknown sounds and potential dangers in the darkness that we can all relate to, driving the scene home with primal terror. 

Would I recommend “The Tell-Tale Heart”? Absolutely, if you haven’t read this story by now, drop what you are doing and read it. Whether you enjoy it for the twisted glimpse into a killer’s mind, the masterfully crafted suspense, or the shocking ending, you will find that this cold-blooded story sticks with you and grips you until the very end. This is also one of Poe’s most commonly adapted stories and you can find screen and stage renditions of it from various time periods. I personally recommend the version in the anthology that I have mentioned a few times before called Extraordinary Tales. As a reflection of the innovative way in which this story is told, the segment features impressively strange black and white animation and is one of the most unsettling short films I’ve seen. In every rendition of the tale, however, the tension and unnerving behavior of the narrator remain.

For more analysis (which contains spoilers!!!) please read below the cut!

As I mentioned above, the unreliability of the narrator, as he unsuccessfully attempts to convince the reader of his sanity, is a remarkable feature of the tale and adds an interesting layer to a story of muder, rather than the story being told by a third party perspective. We are able to get directly into the murderers mind and attempt to understand why he did what he did. 

The narrator claims that all of his bouts of irrational behavior are caused by an acute perception of senses, like his sensitivity to the sight of the old man’s eye, however, it is clear that his lack of sanity is what causes him to hear the old man’s heart beating underneath the floorboards even though he has been dead for some time. Further, his lack of sanity makes him unable to cope with these perceptions, causing him to lash out. 

This brings us to the climax of the story, in which the narrator is driven wild by the sound of the beating heart under the floorboards and dramatically confesses his crime to the inspectors. There are several plausible interpretations of this moment and I think each one provides a different perspective from which to view the rest of the story. Perhaps the most obvious reading, as I mentioned above, is that the narrator’s unstable mental state is ultimately his downfall. While he is able to maintain his composure during the beginning of his visit and is able to accurately describe the process of the murder and his motivations, he cannot silence the auditory hallicunation of the beating heart and must confess in order to make it stop. It is a similar situation to what the narrator experienced with the eye. What he calls a sensory sensitivity is actually a much more severe condition that causes him to take drastic actions. 

The second possible reading is that the beating heart is a representation of guilt. The narrator is able to commit the murder and dispose of the body without any hesitation, however, once the task is complete and he is left to sit and contemplate what has occurred, he is gradually overtaken by guilt. This guilt could be inflamed by the fact that the narrator presents himself with such confidence and bravado regarding the inspectors, showing them every inch of his home and having them sit and rest right above the spot where the old man’s body lies beneath the floorboards. By doing this, the narrator steeps himself in the crime and is ultimately unable to handle the pressure of containing this devastating secret. This is why he thinks that he hears the heartbeat and becomes increasingly suspicious that the inspectors know he committed the crime. His own guilt leads him to give himself up, providing a fascinating commentary on the human psyche and how it deals with guilt. Poe would seem to indicate that humans are not capable of containing such vast amounts of mental pressure and, sooner or later, it will emerge. 

I think, however, that there could be another possibility to how the scene plays out. One of the most dramatic aspects of the tale is how the narrator gives himself away, rather than inspectors finding evidence or uncovering the body themselves. But is it possible that the narrator could be right when he cries “They know!”? Do the inspectors actually suspect that he committed the crime before his confession? This is where the unreliable narrator comes into play. We know that that narrator is clearly not sane despite his claims and we know that his perception of reality is somewhat warped. Therefore, it’s possible that he was not acting as collected and convincing when inviting the inspectors in as he leads us to believe. He does a very poor job of convincing the reader that he is sane, perhaps the case is similar with the inspectors. It’s entirely possible that the officers actually WERE increasing the pressure of the situation, playing along with the narrator’s bravado, sitting in the room where he suspiciously directed them, and staying for a long time in order to get him to crack. This would explain why the narrator keeps remarking “Why won’t they go?” The animated version of this tale in Extraordinary Tales plays with this idea, making the inspectors incredibly intimidating and emotionless with dark, reflective sunglasses. It really appears as if they DO know that the narrator committed the crime and that all they have to do is wait until he crumbles. 

So, what do y’all think? Do you think the inspectors were on to something? How reliable IS the narrator? Is there a deeper significance to the “vulture eye?” To share your opinion, please comment on this post or send me an ask! You can also use the tag #31daysofpoe to create your own response post!

[randomnessunicorn-imagine]

The prompt A finds B crying in a corner, in which A is Odo and B is reader + “The doctor ordered me to smoke”. Reader cries over his crush that don't share their same feelings them and Odo is there to cheer them up or help somehow. Odo can understand reader's feeling because he also loves Kira but she ignores his sentiment.

{ This one is very intense, long and a little angst, just how I like it. }

Share and like if you appreciate my job, please!

> Everyone can ask for a PROMPT, send only detailed requests!

💔 ODO 💔

Love was a strange feeling.

A feeling that the changeling still did not fully understand and Odo didnot know how the humanoids could live with this feeling inside of them. It wasunbearable.

For a while, Odo had ignored it, it was impossible that he was in lovewith Kira, this was not his duty nor need. He had always lived withoutthe necessity to breed or fall in love. He was not made for this. He was nothimself.

His responsibilities were others, his job was the most important valuefor him and this irrational, primitive and frivolous feeling called love wasblinding him, destroying him from the inside like a deadly virus. Nevertheless,when his eyes met Kira’s, all his fears faded away and a feeling of joy invadedhis entire existence. Nothing was so terrible anymore, he felt satisfied, contentand relaxed but when Kira was not next to him, his heart drowned into the abyssof agony and regret over and over again. As if he wanted to rip his own heartfrom his chest, if he had a heart but the only thing he had was an emotion of numbness.

Alternatively, when Odo saw Kira in the company of Shakaar, a newfeeling took possession of his soul. A feeling of anger, hatred andnervousness. Simply, jealousy. He was jealous because he wanted to be in thatman’s place. To kiss her lips, caress her skin, smell her perfume and play withher hair. Things that Shakaar already did. Odo could only savour this realityin his secret dreams.

Odo did not want to think about Kira or Shakaar or his broken heartanymore. He did not want to think about anything and anyone so he decided totake a walk through the promenade, maybe checking Quark out would havedistracted him but the bar was about to close and no one was around anymoreuntil he heard a strange sound. Sounds of sobs accompanied by a smoke, grey andunknown.

Was something going on fire in the station? Perhaps the situation wasnot as quiet as it seemed and then Odo ran towards that smoke. But what hefound made him even more confused because he found no danger. On the contrary,he found you in tears. Were you smoking? He believed it was so, an old bad humanhabit, he had read about it in some of the crime novels that O'Brian had lenthim. Odo could not believe you had that terrible vice.

You were his colleague, a member of security, an honest, trustworthy andkind person who had never disappointed him. Odo, on the other hand, was yourboss and you had a great respect for him. Odo was your role model but not the reasonyou were crying. Perhaps the changeling was not the only one here to have abroken heart because you were crying out of love. Unrequited love. An ingrate love,as ingrate as this life and universe.

“Smoking is not allowed in the station!” Odo said withseverity.

“I haven’t read any rules about it. I’m sorry.” You answeredin a cold tone of voice, a tone Odo had never heard from you.

You blew a cloud of smoke from your mouth, observing how it vanished in theair.

“You should know the rules better than anyone.” He said, warybut also worried about your behaviour, too weird to be realistic.

“The doctor ordered me tosmoke.” This was your unrealistic and absurd answer.

Then you took another taste of your cigarette, you felt the smokeburning in your throat. It tasted good and warm, you almost forgot your painbut then you remembered it when you tasted pure oxygen.

“Really? You could have invented a better excuse.” Odo sighedand he started finding all this smoke annoying. Luckily, he could not taste orsmell it since he had no sensory organs but he still did not like it. He wouldnever like it.

“Actually, it’s relaxing; it helps me to get distracted. Not tothink of anything. I know this attitude is bad but not as bad as others…” yes,something different from the pain you kept in your heart.

There were worse addictions in the world and you did not think smokingwas the most dangerous. Maybe falling in love was one of the worse addictionsbecause it also killed you slowly and miserably. No choice. No escape. You feltprisoned and hopeless.

“I do not think the Doctor Bashir would agree with your opinion. I donot understand why humanoids like destroying their bodies this way. I know thatsmoking can cause so many diseases but they seem to forget about this littlebut not so insignificance detail. Maybe they do not have all that self-respect,or, simply, they are so selfish that they want to be the cause of their own destruction.Humans are really devious and extravagant creatures. I will never understandtheir way of behaving, it is so irresponsible but I would never have expectedit from you.” Odo explained his opinion, he did not hate humans but he justfound some of their behaviours so odd and irrational.

“I am still a human being. I also make my mistakes. I can also beirresponsible and want to destroy myself slowly.” You confessed withbitterness in your voice.

“You are not yourself! What is happening to you? Yesterday you evenarrived late at job but I decided not to pay any attention, I can make amistake on purpose as well but, obviously, something happened to you and I wanta reasonable explication now.” Odo’s voice was severe and his sentence lookedlike an order.

“Nobody can hide you anything, Constable. I have always admired youbecause you always manage to be professional, cold and serious even in theworst situations. I would like to have your determination. I am very sorry. Butit’s true, something happened and I don’t feel fine.” You confessed,taking the last breath of your cigarette and then you threw it away, steppingon the cigarette.

“And what would be the problem?” Odo asked.

“It’s not about work and I don’t know if you can understand. It’s ahumanoid thing, a matter of feelings. A nuisance.” You confessed, keepingon stepping on that cigarette as if you were venting on it because you wereangry, sad and confused.

“I have always observed and studied the behaviour of men so it ispossible that I can understand those feelings even if they are a nuisance. Onthis we agree.” Odo has always found emotions as a bother, an obstacle, itdid not allow people to performance their job properly. Sometimes, he hatedhimself because of those feelings. He continued to hate himself for loving Kirathat much, he could not do anything to stop it and this was unacceptable. Aweakness. Even now, he felt weak because that thought was still there and didnot go away.  

“Well, it’s about *your crush name*. And I don’t even know how toexplain it.” you snorted.

“Do you like them?” Odo got to the point, he did not likewandering around things.

“Yes, but I have no hope or courage to confess my feelings to them.”

“A quality that I noticed in humans is their innate determinationand therefore you should not give up without even trying.”

“Reality is not so simple, constable Odo. They already love someoneelse and I’ve been so idiotic to give them a good advice. Since I’m a goodfriend, I told them to try and ask that person to go out to dinner. For amoment, I was deluding myself that they were talking about me. That I was theperson they were in love with but these things only happen in movies. I justpushed them into each other’s arms and I’m alone now. They’ve said that I amthe best friend of the universe. Such beautiful words.”

At that moment, Odo felt suddenly uncomfortable as if theblade of a sword had hit him. It was a lightning out of aclear sky. A realization. He hadalready heard this story and had already lived this experience on his own skin.He remained silent, unable to speak; he did not know what to saybecause he had not found the solution to this problem nether.

You sighed, giggling nervously, “I’m sopathetic. There are so many problems I should think about, like the security ofthe station, the threat of the Dominion but I’m still here crying like ateenager over stupid heart problems. You have the right to pity me because I ampathetic, a stupid sentimentalist.”

You just felt so miserable and you did not want to appearso weak, not in front of him. Not in front the person you estimated.

“You are not stupid or pathetic at all. You are onlyhuman and I do not believe that loving a person makes you a fool. Certainlylove makes people do silly things and in fact you were poisoning your body withthat cigarette’s smoke.” Odo said, his tone was calm and he actually didnot blame you because he knew the feeling, he understood you very well becausehe lived and was still living the same your sorrow.

“And doesn’t that make me miserable?”

“No, just human.”

“Thanks, constable Odo.”

“I know that my words will not cheer you up, but Iassure you that you are not the only one with a broken heart. Maybe workingharder can help you get distracted and use the energy you got inside forsomething useful instead of hurting yourself in that atrocious way.”

Odo did the same, he worked harder than his usual sincehe had realized the feeling he felt for Kira and how he also comprehended howhopeless and pathetic he was to keep thinking she could consider him more thana mere friend someday.

“It’s true. I understand, I’ll do my best. Thank youso much Odo.” You smiled, softly.

“Do not worry.” Odo nodded, proud as always.

“Odo, would you like to have lunch with me one ofthese days? I know you don’t eat but I also know that you are reading *your favoritebook’s title*. I would like to discuss with you about it. What is the point inreading a book if you can’t argue with anyone?”

After the conversation you had with Odo, you decided youwant to know him better and you were sure it would be worth it, even if he wascold, austere and severe, you knew he was also understanding and opened-mindedin his cynical way. You could learn a lot from him and maybe even Odo needed alittle company, a new way to distract himself and not to think about his brokenheart and illusions of love.

“Sounds reasonable. You humanoids care a lot aboutthese social rituals; you are able to discuss about every kind of topic.Impressive, a bit useless, but I may find it interesting.” Odo commentedyour idea in his usual skeptical way, but it was his way and he accepted afterall.

“You said you were an observer of the humanoids andso this is also an aspect that is worth studying.”

“Exactly.“

Then you and Odo decided to help each other, not to fall apart, not now, not until you could count of each other's friendship. 

Better days would come on DS9.

[theoriginal-maijean]

Trauma (I’m sorry it’s long!)

This is a layman talking. I don’t have any qualifications, only experience with my own trauma. @couriers-mile thank you for writing your post, it gave me the courage to write mine.

I’m thinking of all the people who have not (as far as they are concerned) been sexually assaulted.

Instead they were touched intimately and without their permission. But because it wasn’t as bad as what others (men and woman btw) have gone through some as children or adults. They don’t call it trauma. Because it wasn’t as bad. 

Please hear me.

 It is. 

That warm hot unpleasant feeling you had boiling in your tummy. A feeling of dread or fear while being touched and maybe even a feeling of complete bewilderment. Of feeling your autonomy taken from you in other words as you came to terms, feeling helpless. It’s that feeling helpless and having no way to get yourself out of that situation if your mind just froze and you “let it happen” or “you expected worse”. 

Our brains and bodies want us to survive. I do believe it’s not just fight or flight in our brains but freeze too. Just think about when you heard something in the dark and you froze waiting with bated breath for another sound? 

Please groping is also still abuse. 

Being touched without permission even when it was with someone you trusted is still abuse it can become trauma. 

Some of us will seek out more touch, to negate that feeling. Some of us avoid almost all touch to spare ourselves ever experiencing it again. 

Some of seem to cope just fine. Until a moment, a smell, a familiar looking face, a sound pulls us back to this extreme feeling and memory. 

If you don’t believe that let me ask you if you’ve ever smelt something, maybe something your mum had cooked before and it took you back to when you were little? Or when a particular season rolls past and you always get a bit melancholy when you see the autumn leaves fall, you remember your first love or maybe even the first death of someone close to you. 

Trauma is also an extreme emotion paired with a horrible event. Your brain has stored it to make sure you don’t ever get into a situation like that again. But like a smoke detector that’s gone faulty sometimes a smell might set it off to make you go and hide. You don’t know why but your brain has stored all the sensory information of that moment to keep you safe in future. 

Please, please don’t make light of your trauma. It is there waiting like an IED, waiting to hijack your brain, go talk to a professional.

 I’m gonna be honest here. Some people will make light of the pain your body went through. 

The ultimate thing is, the actual thing is, is this: you live in your body, it’s your body for heaven’s sake you shouldn’t be living with this pain just because others think it “wasn’t a big deal” or “you should get over it” or “they were obviously just experimenting” or “if you forgive it will go away”. Please, please go get the help you deserve. 

Your body is a wonderland as John Mayer puts it. 

It deserves to feel whole,, you deserve to feel whole, to experience joy without it being marred by shame and self hatred. And remember: you would never ask for your body to be violated in any way. It’s not you. Whether you drank too much or were just kissing and then the partner just didn’t stop. 

I’m sorry. So sorry that you’ve gone through this. As a survivor let me ask you to never ask this: if you had a daughter or son who went through this would you get them help? Would you fight for them? If so why don’t you fight for yourself?

Some of us have been so broken. So hurt, shamed for speaking up and then just kept quiet. We don’t have much self worth left. Some of us are told over an over again that you don’t matter as much as the peace or another person who is deemed more important. Sometimes we believe the lie. That we are worthless. So yes we would fight for our children in a way we wouldn’t for ourselves because we see a worth in them. Ourselves not so much. Please don’t use those tropes that seem like smart words. Just sit with us. Be with us, cry with us and be there. Empower us to pickup the pieces, encourage us to get help and NEVER laugh off a problem. It’s big for us. We have to find our own way out of the darkness.

If you’re looking for books to read or people to listen to, they have often saved my sanity, is 

The body keeps score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD. I prefer the audio because it was just easier and some things were hard to listen to and can be triggering so I’m putting it out there. Sometimes it would be months before i could go back and listen some more but the next person:

Hillary L Mcbride has been on numerous podcasts and does an entire program to do with anxiety and stress. It’s on the Liturgist.com website. If you’re worried about religious overtones, it doesn’t have it she explains things in a way that normal people can understand what psychologist everywhere understand but cant or wont explain. She does a podcast called other people’s problems. But seriously look her up. She did this whole episode called self image and embodiment on the liturgist podcast and i had to stop what I was doing and just sit in the moment because it wow it made me feel seen. Especially as a woman.

If anyone has any other places or people to look at feel free to put them up! But also if it could be triggering put a warning in place.

[laststops-blog]

What do you headcanon Gundhams childhood was like? You've said earlier that he adores his mother, what about his father?

pop quiz!

           his WHO???? his WHAT NOW???? no listen in canon gundham describes himself as the following: 

‘i’m the offspring of an angel and a devil, a cursed being shunned and rejected by everything in this world!’

now, we all know that gundham’s got his whole other world that he lives in, but all of that is rooted in this reality. animals are still animals, places are still places, good and bad people are still exactly that. when gundham calls his mother an ‘angel’, it’s because he understands exactly what she sacrifices to keep them both afloat, as well as his animals; they don’t make much money and are just barely living comfortably, thanks to the fact that gundham’s mother works multiple jobs and gundham himself takes on petsitting/training jobs when he goes home for the holidays. he loves her and she is an incredibly strong woman, but she is also softer in nature and extremely stressed and emotional (hence why she’d cry when he wouldn’t clear his plate at mealtime). because of her nature and how tired she is the majority of the time, gundham treats her a little more softly than he would anybody else.

his dad, though? a bastard. a devil for a reason. i don’t think it was ever an abusive situation – it would be very easy for me to say that, and because of gundham’s canon understanding of black and white morality and tendency to understand why people do cruel things, i get why people assume his hatred for his dad stems from something like that – simply his dad got his mum pregnant, put her through hell before he was born, refused to help in any way, shape or form after he was born, and then ran out on the two of them as soon as he could. gundham holds a grudge, and he’ll be damned before he forgives and forgets. if there was any abuse, i think gundham would’ve been too young to really remember it. i always got the impression that it’s just been him and his mother for a really long time.

as for growing up, gundham was always the outsider in any class or group he was in for a few reasons. one, he was easily overwhelmed by noise and touch; he’s prone to sensory overload, less so in his teen/adult years, but it’s present all the same. he expresses incredibly deep discomfort towards being touched multiple times in canon (so serious, in fact, that no one even tries to play it for laughs and touch him), most notably when hajime asks him if he ever held hands with the other kids at school, and gundham gives an honest and firm no. gundham would skip out on school events often, not always because he wanted to, but because it was easier for him that way – he wouldn’t panic or get upset or scare his animals. while he isn’t in possession of the dark devas until his very early high school days, he’s always got one or so animals on his person, and his mood heavily affects theirs. when skipping these events, he would either read fantasy novels or play mmorpgs – thus igniting his interest in these kinds of high fantasy warlocks and magic users. his persona doesn’t come into effect until middle school ish, but he’s creating characters and worlds long before that.

this may seem irrelevant but i’m telling you now that gundham is strong and looks it. he’s looked like that ever since he started to first work with animals properly – since he was about fourteen – because he has to keep in shape to even stand a chance at being the leader of the pack. gundham’s physical stature is something that keeps him from being too horribly bullied when his persona comes into full display. he doesn’t have many – if any – friends, he’s always isolating himself and talking to his mf pets, what friends he DID have kind of abandon him as the years go on (anything that can talk WILL betray you!)… he’s an easy person to make fun of, basically, but you wouldn’t want to mess with him. people can be cruel. gundham chooses to be cruel back.

[alivinghopes]

Emotional Numbness

Weekly Discussion

At some point or another we’ve all heard these words before:

“Suck it up princess!” “Be a man!” “Stop being a cry-baby,” “Get over it,” “Stop being so sensitive,” “Get thicker skin!”

While these words were likely spoken without consciously intending us long-term harm, they nevertheless point to a common and undeniably tragic truth in our society: that expressing your emotions is a sign of weakness, rather than strength.

If you were born into an emotionally repressed culture that valued the “masculine” ideals of efficiency and logic, it is likely that you struggle with some level of emotional numbness.

If you were born into a family that shunned any form of strong emotional expression, it is even more likely that emotional numbing is an issue for you.

And if you experienced an extremely traumatic life event that was simply too overwhelming for you to handle (from which you haven’t recovered), I can almost guarantee that you suffer from emotional numbness.

So how does emotional numbness impact virtually every part of our life? And what advice can I share with you after going through my own struggle with this issue? Keep reading and you’ll find out.

What is Emotional Numbness?

Emotional numbness is a defense mechanism employed by the mind to avoid intense and overwhelming emotions such as fear, hatred, jealousy, and grief. When you go emotionally numb, you lose the ability to feel and experience your emotions on a psychological and emotional level. In this sense, emotional numbness is often clinically connected with dissociation, which is the disconnection from one’s memories, identity, environment, body, or senses.

What Causes Emotional Numbness?

As with most issues, emotional numbness goes back to childhood and the way we were raised by our parents. Being abused by our parents physically, emotionally, sexually, psychologically, or spiritually can contribute towards our inability to self-regulate emotions, which results in emotional numbness. Feeling alienated or disconnected from one or both of our parents, or family at large, can also contribute towards emotional numbness. Being punished whether directly or indirectly for expressing our emotions in childhood also creates emotional numbness.

Numbing our emotions may also start after a severely traumatic experience, such as witnessing acts of violence, being assaulted, experiencing rape, suffering intense loss, or anything that we didn’t have the capacity to psychologically and emotionally handle in the moment. For this reason, emotional numbness is often a symptom of PTSD and various anxiety disorders.

Emotional numbness is also influenced by our culture and wider social circles, particularly those that emphasize being stoic, rational, and emotionally invulnerable (e.g., British, Chinese, American, Russian).

The Danger of Emotional Numbness

If you even have the slightest inkling that you might be emotionally numb, it’s time to listen up. Emotional numbness is not a small character flaw or minor area of self-growth to improve in – it is a serious problem which needs to be addressed immediately.

Speaking from experience, emotional numbness has formed the root of many issues I have faced (and still continue to face) in my life. Due to my upbringing in an emotionally stunted, dogmatically religious family whom I felt disconnected from for the majority of my life, I never learned how to handle strong emotions. I was punished verbally, emotionally or physically anytime I expressed strong emotions, and freethinking or any form of dissent was rejected, resulting in being ostracized.

The combination of having a British father and a mother who was traumatized by her own emotionally unstable mother – on top of an oppressive fundamentalist religion – led to grooming me as a stoic and “stable” person who was taught that expressing emotions was not only bad but shameful.

As you can see, sometimes there are numerous factors at play that may contribute to your inability to regulate intense emotions, and therefore resort to unconsciously numbing them. In my case, I learned that strong emotions = punishment in one form or another, and so I learned that they were dangerous to experience.

The danger of disconnecting from your emotions is that it can lead to a host of mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual issues. Such issues may include dysfunctional coping mechanisms (obsessive compulsions), mild to severe depression, spiritual emptiness, inability to enjoy life, inability to form close and fulfilling relationships, disconnection from inner self, confusion, irritability, fatigue, addictions, chronic illnesses, and somatic illnesses (illnesses produced by the mind). In extreme cases (and I’m talking about situations where emotional contact is nil), emotional numbness can lead to acts of cruelty.

Why is it ‘the Secret Illness’?

I call emotional numbness the secret illness because it is so pervasive in our society, and so socially acceptable, that it often flies underneath the radar. In a society that largely doesn’t know how to handle strong emotions in healthy ways, being stoic and “level-headed” is valued – yet this very same calm and collected facade often conceals unhealthy detachment from one’s feelings. Thus, emotional numbness is a secret illness because so many of us struggle with it, yet don’t even realize that we have it until chronic issues start emerging.

13 Signs You’re Struggling With Emotional Numbness

Emotional detachment is not always a bad thing. It comes in handy when you need to maintain boundaries, avoid undesired energy overload from others, and even help others in crisis situations. But emotional detachment turns into its unhealthy twin (emotional numbness) when it becomes an automatic inner defense mechanism. “What’s so great about feeling strong emotions?” you might ask. The answer is that without feeling our emotions, we don’t have the capacity to live and learn from them or experience the beauty and depth of life.

Here are some of the most significant signs of emotional numbness that you should look out for:

Inability to express strong negative or positive emotions

Inability to “fully participate” in life (i.e., feeling like you’re a passive observer)

Feeling that life is like a dream (a sense unreality)

Living on autopilot

Lack of interest in activities others find enjoyable

Feeling distant from others

The tendency to withdraw from friends and family members

Emotions are only felt in the body as sensations, but not by the mind (or else are completely muted in the body and show up only as illness)

Dislike of people who express strong emotions (both positive and negative)

Not feeling anything in situations that would usually generate strong emotion

Panic or terror when strong emotions eventually breakthrough

Feeling empty inside

Physical and emotional numbness or “flatness”

In extreme circumstances (such as in PTSD sufferers), emotional numbness may even influence the desire to commit suicide. If you are considering suicide, please seek out support immediately.

How to Overcome Emotional Numbness?

Like any psychological defense mechanism, emotional numbing can be complex to deal with, and often requires support from a trained professional such as a therapist.

If you feel that emotional numbness is significantly impairing your life, please do an act of self-compassion and seek out support either locally or online (there are even free counselling services online).

For the time being, here are some helpful practices which I have personally found to increase my ability to feel, cope with, and express strong emotions:

Anchor yourself to your body. As mentioned above, emotional numbing is connected to dissociation (mental disconnection from one part of yourself). In my case, whenever I experience strong emotions, my automatic response is to either (a) only feel the emotions in my body, not my mind, or (b) to have a complete meltdown. In both cases, one of the best self-soothing mechanisms I’ve learned is to anchor myself to my body through mindfulness and physical contact. Similar to what a mother does with her child, I tightly but gently hold one area of my body – usually my hand or stomach. This method helps me to feel contained and grounded in my body. I also recommend using shapewear or a pressure vest to help you in extremely emotionally turbulent periods to anchor yourself to your body (here is a good example of shapewear). Shapewear is used by women and men to keep “love handles” and other body parts slim and defined. For our purposes, shapewear is like a hug to the body that will help you feel safe and ‘held together.’ Pressure vests are a little more expensive and they are used by people with sensory integration disorders (such as autism) to relax.

Deep breathing. Whether used alone or in conjunction with the above-mentioned technique, deep breathing is a simple and easy way to help you mindfully move through whatever you’re experiencing. This practice is particularly useful when intense feelings such as fear or rage break through. There are many books out there that talk about the importance of deep breathing (such as this one), and there are many online tutorials with breathing techniques. I recommend sticking to something simple, something you don’t have to think about too much, and something that doesn’t feel forced. The point of deep breathing isn’t to follow someone else’s technique perfectly, it is to use your breath (in whatever way suits you), to calm your mind and body. Also, I recommend breathing slowly, deeply, and softly instead of forcing deep breaths (which can increase anxiety) – let your breath be natural. Read more about how to relax using deep breathing.

Keep a journal of sad thoughts. I realize this suggestion may sound a tad bit melancholic, but it’s a practice worthy of your time and effort, particularly if you’re wanting to feel and express your emotions. Journaling is also a powerful form of shadow work (a way to express what you would usually suppress). In a physical journal or online diary, spend five to ten minutes every day writing down something which triggers even the slightest pang of sadness in you. For example, you might write down a memory of your dog who died, an issue in the world, something someone said to you, a scene from a movie, a daily struggle or virtually anything that is upsetting (or what you imagine would be upsetting). Creating a sad thoughts diary has two main benefits. One, it helps you express your emotions, even if in an indirect way at first. And two, it acts as a catalyst for feeling and letting out your emotions, particularly when you need momentum (I’ll elaborate more on this soon). Always try to finish your sad thought journaling with something uplifting, like reading the uplifting news subreddit, spending time with someone you love, playing with a pet, or watching something entertaining on YouTube or Netflix.

Catharsis (let it all out, baby!). When emotionally numbing ourselves becomes our default defense mechanism, we tend to have a huge amount of suppressed emotion lying just beneath our conscious awareness. In order to safely and effectively express your suppressed emotions, try some form of catharsis. Catharsis may involve screaming into or punching a pillow, using your sad thoughts journal (mentioned above) to stimulate sadness and crying, intense emotional-fuelled exercise, impassioned dancing, or dynamic meditation. Regular catharsis should be a must on your journey. Without regularly ‘letting it all out,’ you run the risk of experiencing the repercussions of festering emotions (i.e., depression, emptiness, chronic illness, etc.).

Yoga and self-massage. Yoga is a well-known way of helping to clear and balance your energy. Not only that, but yoga often has a way of releasing emotions stored in the body. I recommend doing slow and gentle forms of yoga such as Hatha yoga for at least ten minutes a day. Remember, the goal isn’t to become some Instagram-perfect yoga star; it is to connect with your body, mind, and heart. The truth is that our unexpressed and repressed emotions are often stored within our bodies. I like to think of our bodies as being reflections of our unconscious mind: they are maps that help us to figure out what we are keeping locked away, and what unresolved issues we need to face. In my article about chronic muscle tension, I list the nine types of emotions trapped in different areas of the body. In order to release these emotions, I regularly use something called the ‘Acuball’ to introduce fresh blood flow and energy into these tense areas. I like the Acuball because it gives me a deep tissue massage, while also helping me to stay grounded in my body, relax, and release pent-up stress. (You can get the Acuball here).

Creatively express your feelings (or lack thereof). Write a song, doodle in a journal, paint a picture, create a collage, find some way of expressing what emotion you last felt. If you struggle to feel anything at all, express that artistically. Grab those greys and blacks and turn that damn page into your own work of art. Pay attention to how you feel afterward. Does even the slightest feeling of satisfaction enter you? Journal about these emotions.

Take care of your inner child. As it was your child self that likely copped the trauma that caused you to default to emotional numbing, take care of this part of you. Practice inner child work and find ways of comforting and nurturing this vulnerable place within you. You may even like to create empowering affirmations for your inner child to help him or her access emotions. For example, you might repeat to yourself when you are in a difficult circumstance, “It is OK for me to feel,” “It is safe for me to feel sad,” “My anger is valid,” “Being vulnerable is being strong,” and so forth.

Dedicate space and time to feeling. In our busy lives, it is very easy to numb and distract ourselves with social media, the TV, shopping, food, social commitments, and other things that constantly cause us to look outside. Looking inside is much harder and requires far more self-discipline, hence why most people don’t do it. If you are serious about overcoming your emotional numbness, you will need to dedicate space and time to all of the activities I have mentioned in this article. If you struggle with self-discipline, I recommend making yourself externally accountable by joining a meditation group or other practice to help you turn inwards. Please don’t skip this step, it is imperative that you spend time exploring your inner self, and in particular, what you are repressing and why.

ㅤ

Emotional Numbness Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about emotional numbness. Hopefully they’ll answer any remaining concerns or thoughts you may have about this topic:

What causes emotional detachment?

The simple answer is trauma. Usually, emotional detachment (or numbness) can be linked to early childhood experiences such as being abused mentally, emotionally, sexually, or physically. However, not everyone who experiences emotional detachment had tough childhoods. Sometimes, other traumatizing experiences later in life can trigger emotional detachment as a protective mechanism (such as divorce, job loss, rape, illnesses, war, etc.).

Can numbness be a sign of anxiety?

Yes, emotional numbness can mask intense feelings of anxiety – it’s the mind’s way of protecting itself from being flooded by overwhelming emotions. Numbness is a primal reaction to fear and is also known as the freeze response. There are three main reactions to anxiety-provoking situations that we have: fight, flight, and freeze.

How to fix emotional numbness?

To fix, or rather regain the ability to feel again, it’s important to be gentle with yourself. Try reconnecting with your body, practicing deep breathing, doing some catharsis, journaling, and creating a safe environment for yourself. Seeking out professional support is usually crucial, as emotional numbness is usually a major sign of a traumatized nervous system. To regulate your nervous system, you need a safe holding environment, which a professional therapist/counsellor can provide.

[damienhasmoved]

Kiyotaka Ishimaru is Autistic - A Writeup

Hey there! 

As you’ve probably guessed from the title, this is gonna be a pretty long post about Kiyotaka Ishimaru from the Dangan Ronpa series, and how I believe that he is autistic. Note that I am #actuallyautistic myself, so a lot of this is drawn from my own experiences of autism, as well as some common symptoms Kiyotaka displays. This is one of my personal favourite headcanons, because I relate to Kiyotaka a lot, and it’s nice to be able to relate to him on a neurological level as well. That being said, despite the evidence I’m going to cover in this writeup, it is still a headcanon- so of course you can feel free to disregard this if you don’t agree with me (just don’t come and fight about it on the post... because a lot of that tends to go into “autism is a bad thing” territory and as an autistic person it kinda makes me feel shitty). 

With that out of the way, the rest of the post will be under a readmore, because this is about to get kinda long.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru is a fairly minor character when it comes to the Dangan Ronpa franchise. He’s a member of the cast of the first game, and dies halfway through, with almost no re-appearances or further mentions in the rest of the series. However, his personality is very distinct, and he’s been consistently seen as one of the most popular characters from the first game because of this. 

Kiyotaka’s personality boils down to a few essential parts- his keen sense of justice and morals, his lack of social skills and social intelligence, his drive to be the best in his schoolwork, and his encouraging, yet strict nature towards his classmates. Just from this base analysis of his personality you can start seeing some autistic traits- namely in his idealization of morals and ethics, and his lack of general social skills. The former is so important to his character, it’s what gives him his talent- as the Ultimate Moral Compass (Disciplinary Committee Member in the Japanese version of the game, and Hall Monitor/Prefect in a few fan translations). 

It’s quite common for autistic people to be unusually obsessed with justice or morality. I know from my own experiences that I absolutely hate situations I perceive as “unfair” or “unjust”- where I’ve been punished for doing things I didn’t do, when other people have been punished for things they didn’t do- I even find it hard to lie in certain situations. Kiyotaka certainly seems to display this pattern of thinking- his entire talent ties into making sure that those who do wrong are suitably punished, and those that do right are rewarded accordingly. The only time he goes against his morals and potentially condemns innocents are when he votes for himself instead of Mondo in the Chapter Two Trial, which seems to be him not fully realising that someone he associates with “being good, just and moral” (his new, and only, friend) doing something as amoral as murder. 

He simply doesn’t believe that someone he trusted could turn out to do something so wrong- to the point where, at the end of the second trial, he is begging everyone else to give him another explanation, or for Mondo to at least explain why he did the things he did. I understand that this is a reasonable reaction when one’s friend is faced with death, but consider this in the context of the Dangan Ronpa games. To keep up the flow of the games, characters usually seem to brush aside the murders and executions once the trials are over. Otherwise, things would drag out too long while the cast mourned. Even Naegi, who was good friends with Sayaka and knew her all the way back in middle school, only spared a few hours or so mourning her after the end of her trial.

Kiyotaka’s reaction is the most drastic in the first game, even surpassing Asahina’s bid to make Sakura’s suicide a mistrial. She’s only shown to be seriously affected by Sakura’s death for the duration of the trial, and afterwards is composed enough to fight back against the mastermind. Consider also that Asahina and Sakura were friends for the entire duration of the first game, and that Kiyotaka and Mondo were only friends for one day, and you can see how exaggerated and strange Kiyotaka’s reaction really is. 

Kiyotaka’s reaction is so strong compared to the other characters because Mondo’s killing is not only a betrayal to their friendship, but the betrayal to Kiyotaka’s perceived view of the world and what’s right and wrong. He fixates on his hatred of geniuses to an almost unhealthy level, and will not listen to anyone who tries to tell him that these “geniuses” can be good people as well. Simularily, he’s put Mondo into a box- a box that raises him above the amoral sensibilities of the killing game, making him someone who can do no wrong in Kiyotaka’s eyes- until he does. 

This is the only time Kiyotaka’s moral compass seems to be seriously tested in the killing game, and it destroys him. He relies so much on his fixation with morals, that the second they are shattered, he breaks apart. Of course, this is only a minor reason for his breakdown, but we’ll get into the rest of that later.

Another big clue to Kiyotaka being autistic comes in the form of his social skills- or, rather, his lack of them. Kiyotaka, in his entire life, has made one genuine friend. Mondo Oowada seems to be the only person he’s truly connected with, and he even states that he’s “never had a proper conversation before” in one of Naegi’s FTEs. It’s not hard to see why- Kiyotaka has very little social intelligence, which displays itself multiple times throughout the story.

He doesn’t understand that people watch TV shows and play video games to form connections over them- he just thinks they do so to get a temporary buzz out of them. He’s surprised when Naegi describes what people normally do when they hang out, and his idea of a social setting is a very old-fashioned Japanese tradition of communicating naked in a bathhouse with other men. It’s obvious that he’s personally never had an experience like this before, as he’s reportedly “never held a conversation longer than three minutes”, so he’s most likely picked this up from old Japanese literature or other media and assumed that’s still how teenagers hang out.

Mimicking behaviours from media is another common autistic trait, and even though Kiyotaka doesn’t seem the type to read a lot of books outside of school-assigned ones, he still displays this trait. Mimicking other people in general seems to be his go-to when it comes to social interaction- he calls Naegi a “Professor” when Naegi tells him how to hold a regular conversation, and says he will study the same games and TV shows Naegi knows about to be able to hold conversations just like he does. Kiyotaka, once befriending Mondo, is shown to be mimicking him in some ways- he starts calling Mondo “kyoudai”, something common amongst gangsters in Japan. In the English localisation, this is changed to “bro”, slang that would also most likely be picked up from Mondo.

After Mondo dies, Kiyotaka copes by completely mimicking him, even combining their names together and acting like Mondo to feel closer to him.

Kiyotaka doesn’t seem to understand sarcasm or humour, in most cases. Kiyotaka seems a little oblivious in general, and tends to brush aside other’s criticism- a lot of the times because he doesn’t understand it. He takes things very literally, which is a key autistic trait. 

He also wholeheartedly does seemingly idiotic things in an attempt to help others in the class trials- such as calling for the murderer to raise their hand, and stating obvious facts that were taken as a given (examples: “I propose that the victim was Sayaka Maizono”, and “We can be sure the knife was the weapon because of where it was found- sticking out of the victim’s midsection!”). Kiyotaka also displays this kind of well-intentioned, yet obvious advice when everyone is searching the school for an escape route- while others take note of potential danger and means of escape, Kiyotaka’s only contribution is to say that everyone has a dorm room. 

This makes sense for him, and most likely for others with autism- nobody’s mentioned it, and he has the information, so he thinks it will be helpful to share it. He doesn’t get the subtext that people will already know these things, and that clarifying them further wastes time and isn’t helpful in the grand scheme of things. 

While his dedication to morals and his lack of social skills are the most major identifiers of his autism, he also displays a few more subtler autistic traits.

Kiyotaka insists on holding the class meetings at a certain time in the morning, and arriving to the cafeteria at another set time. He’s always a punctual early comer, and he gets annoyed when others are late (holding back the time of his meeting). It can also be inferred that Kiyotaka is one to plan things- he has to be, if he’s taking on studying (and presumably kendo practise, due to the sword found in his room) as his only hobbies. This, and his love of the school system, can be hints towards him needing to function on a schedule. School is good for Kiyotaka because it’s structured, and planned, and not very subject to change. His hobbies of practise and studying are also not subject to sudden reschedules (unless he takes kendo lessons, but with his family’s financial situation, I don’t think that’s the case). A steady schedule is imperative for autistic people to function on a day-to-day basis. 

Kiyotaka only wears one set of clothes- his school uniform. He owns several copies of it, and refuses to wear anything else. It’s implied that he doesn’t own anything else. This could be his dedication to being a good student, but it could also easily be a manifestation of sensory issues. Kiyotaka may only feel comfortable in the material of his uniform, and doesn’t like wearing other clothes because they make him feel uncomfortable. As a fellow autistic who prefers their school uniform to their other clothes, I can definitely understand this path of logic. 

Similarly, Kiyotaka is a one-note cook. It’s revealed in School Mode that he can only cook rice balls and green tea. This seems like another case of sensory issues, where the textures of rice balls and green tea are soothing to him compared to other food tastes and textures. It seems a little odd that he’s put enough practise into creating his “famous green tea”, but wouldn’t branch out to cooking different kinds of foods than simply rice balls, especially if he wants to have a more balanced diet. 

Kiyotaka’s fixation with the things he does know how to talk about seem to be extremely intense. Kiyotaka seems completely ready to engage in a long debate with Naegi over politics, international affairs, and the economy. He also seems to have memorised his school’s old policy, and seems delighted to talk about schoolwork. These could be examples of special interests, topics that Kiyotaka fixates on and ignores all others. Kiyotaka’s biggest special interest seems to be revolving around politics, a career path he hopes to succeed in in the future. Other than that, he seems to have a special interest in school policy and the school’s curriculum, shown with his dedication to school code and his continued study of everything he has to learn about. He doesn’t understand that other people can do recreational activities that don’t revolve around these two interests of his.

Physically, Kiyotaka has an almost unnaturally straight posture. He stands with his legs pressed tightly together, and seems extremely rigid. An unnaturally rigid posture is a trait of autism (as is an unnaturally slouched or floppy posture, but that’s not relevant here). Kiyotaka is extremely prone to crying fits, even in the middle of regular conversation. He is shown holding his head and sobbing full-force in some of his FTEs, which then turns into him cheerfully laughing a few seconds later. Extreme mood swings and unprompted crying or laughing are traits of autism. When Kiyotaka is reprimanded, or when he believes that he’s done something wrong, he immediately switches into an over-reaction where he cries and begs someone to hit or “punish” him. Breakdowns like these are also common in autistics.

Kiyotaka’s speech is abnormally loud. He seems to have trouble speaking quietly or whispering, and most of his lines are yelled. Volume control like this is a classic autistic trait. Kiyotaka’s dialogue also seems stiff and stilted at times, or verbalised in a strange manner. 

I could go on more about Kiyotaka’s autistic traits, but I think I’ve said enough for one post! This is long enough as-is! I definitely think that Kiyotaka Ishimaru is autistic, but it’s up for you to decide if you agree with me.

[prevsapphism]

as i’ve alluded to in many canons and said but never elaborated on, margot has adhd. here’s what that means and looks like for her:

SPECIAL INTERESTS. this is the most notable like . benchmark symptom of her adhd. i guess you could argue they’re actually hyperfixations, ( because autistic people and those with adhd have mixed usage of the term special interests ) but as somene who has both and for the sake of clarity in this canon i’m going to call them special interests. anyway they’re poisonous plants and the romantic era, specifically its literature, philosophy and values. as anyone who’s been round her for even five seconds would know. she’s been lucky enough to make a career out of both of those things, so. she devotes most of her waking hours to poisonous plants and romantic lit. it is more or less her life goal to just. find out and engage with everything there is to know about romantic literature and poisonous plants. she has entire romantic poems and basic biography info ( w some Neat Trivia she’s found out over her literal decades of almost nonstop study ) of the Main Romantics memorised. she can id a good number of toxic plants on sight. Do Not Test Her. 

also while it May Not Technically Be True, margot knows The Most Of Anyone about her special interests and if you insinuate otherwise you will be screamed at and probably hexed.

and, as a result of having special interests, INFODUMPING. a good portion of margot’s conversations in her cotidian life are infodumping, just by virtue of her making a career out of her special interests and just being a talkative person overall. it’s excited, explanatory rambling: she can and will tell you the literary characteristics of romanticism, and probably the ones in art too. she can and will tell you how foxglove poison affects the body. she used to do it forgetting to check for the disinterest of people around her, and sometimes still does, but she’s gotten better about it with age. 

may the gods have mercy on you if you actually know more than her about her special interests and tell her that when she tries to infodump or worse, in the middle of it.

i’m not sure what other cues you have to look for that signify that margot is infodumping, but i know one is ‘you know.’ which is one of her verbal tics overall, but it will come up more if she’s infodumping. eg ‘percy shelley saw his doppleganger shortly before he drowned in a spontaneous storm on the gulf of spezia, you know.’

this . makes the dating world very hard to navigate for margot, as you can imagine.

IMPULSIVITY. this is also one that’s very prevalent in replies. margot is extremely emotionally impulsive, often to her own detriment and the detriment of other people around her. she would come to blows with her parents all the time because she couldn’t set her feelings about something aside to take action. she still kind of can’t. age and spontaneous motherhood has softened this in areas for her, but it’s still a very prominent trait of margot’s. due to her hatred of unnecessary conflict ( shocking, i know ) she has a lot of push-pull here, though– she gets very strong feelings but will sometimes refuse to act on them, whether for inappropriateness to the situation or for spite. 

this impulsivity is also reflected in impulse purchases ( a good 40% of her wardrobe, bookshelves and back garden ) and Needing to touch a plant whenever she encounters one.

STIMMING. this one is pretty murky because margot hasn’t told me what she does to stim yet, but i do know she does it, and she’s also said she does it when she’s very happy and / or laughing really hard. so. time and replies will tell i suppose.

lesser traits worth mentioning:

in line with her impulsivity, margot hates waiting her turn in conversation, chronically interrupts people and often finishes other people’s sentences for them.

she is restless and is prone to start projects and not finish them.

margot has sensory issues ( which she also has not informed me of ) and is susceptible of sensory overload.

she has a very hard time paying attention to specific details, which often leads to careless mistakes being made in her work notes.

she puts things off that require sustained mental effort, most notably cleaning up her room and shed / Sugar Free Greenhouse outside, both of which are horrendously untidy.

she is incredibly restless. not so much physically but definitely mentally, and hates being idle– even daydreaming is something to do.

[princes-and-tutors]

Headcanon time

Ok so. So Kai is most definitely obviously autistic and he is a sweetheart and I love him and I'm probly gonna write a post on him too cause he's my fav

But

But

I wanna talk about autistic Leonhard

Cause he's autistic and I have evidence

Not very good socially (and knows it, which is good, but probably doesn't help his anxiety any)

Has trouble telling his maid thank you that is such an autistic thing you don't understand, that little hand up waitwaitwaitwait happens so much because you're just not processing fast enough and by the time your mind catches up to actually make words they're already gone and you feel like a jerk cause you didn't say what you wanted to

The hand thing

Has an extreme hatred of carrots and bell peppers

He hates them enough that he still removes them from his food even though not eating them makes him feel bad enough about himself that he WRITES ABOUT IT IN HIS JOURNAL Most fifteen year olds without some kind of sensory issue or other problems can force themselves to eat things they don't like if they feel that strong about eating it

I mean

He gags at the mention of them, I know there are certain textures and sensations that are just-just no when someone even talks about it and I'm not even experiencing it at the moment but I might as well be and-anyway 

IT'S A SENSORY THING IS WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT *cough* anyway

Fairly black and white viewpoints

I'm not even really talking about his "catching all the bad guys" thing, because honestly that seems to be more the fact that he's lived in the palace his whole life and hasn't actually learned very much about the outside world and eventually someone will have to explain the whole 'not everyone is breaking the law because they're a 'bad guy' thing

No, I'm talking about his "all tutors are my enemy" thing.

The exact wording was "the fact that you are a tutor makes you despicable" This is very final wording. The thing is either good or bad and there is no in between, it is really hard to understand how someone else can think differently when the thing is so obviously bad, he doesn't even try to listen to Heine about him (Heine) being a likable tutor because this is something he has experience in; and his experience says that all tutors are bad, and that no tutor will actually work with him.   His tutor(s) before singled him out and yelled at him because he had trouble learning and of course this one won't be any different.  It's only after Heine assures him that he is not the one to blame for his grade on the test and explains how he is planning to teach them that he even tries to change his thinking

His anxiety

This teen has problems in certain social situations and knows it He has a journal all for worries and regrets, filled with things that are kind of actually a problem like running away from things he doesn't like to things that are just kind of rude, or things that only he probably noticed, like not saying thank you to a maid or not eating his bell peppers. He seems to have at least some social anxiety A lot of people with autism have anxiety, social or not.

His problems with learning (aka Why no, not all people with autism are math geniuses) (also known as: a reason why you might be able to think of him as adhd or add, but I don't know enough about either to say)

He has apparently had trouble with learning since he was little, enough so that his first tutor noticed and called him out for it, I also want to say something about what the tutor says in the flashback, in the English version,(which was the last one I watched, it seems to be pretty faithful to the original, but I'll watch it again later) he says something along the lines of, "why are you taking so long with such a simple problem?" now this is important and I'll explain why in a minute, but first I wanna tell you about

Executive Functioning Executive functioning is how your brain solves problems, and not just 1+1=2 type problems either, or even social problems, but like getting food and continuing to live type problems, if you had zero executive functioning then, well, you would probably never do anything, and by anything I mean anything, you would probably just sit in one place and want to do the thing, but you would never do it, because you couldn't figure out how. (of course, I don't know this is the case, considering I haven't researched it, but that is my rather unscientific explanation based on living with less executive functioning skills than most people)

A lot of people with autism have executive functioning issues,(along with add/adhd and quite a few other disabilities) having less EF can make it harder to do a lot of things, but I'm gonna focus on school It not only affects the school work itself(I think we can agree that something that affects how the brain addresses problems can be... Detrimental, say the least) It can also affect how well you follow directions (there are often steps that are skipped in instructions because they seem obvious to someone without EF issues) it also affects the speed you solve problems, yep that's why the tutor's words are important, he's implying that he's taking too long, he took longer than the other's to answer the same questions, which is probably a mixture of executive functioning problems and other processing problems (also that was just supposed to be a short explanation of EF, since I didn't think most people would know what it was, it was not supposed to be an essay I am so sorry but I'm gonna leave it in case someone learns something new, and I'm not sure how to without interrupting the flow of the writing too much)

Him absolutely not getting it when explained the coin values also gives me that impression

Trying to learn something while only able to listen to someone talk (or through one medium period, if I'm being honest) is torture, if Heine really tried to get him to learn this way, I believe it would take quite a few more repetitions before he got it, especially since he pretty much just started actually learning math recently

He likes the rules When he knows something's supposed to be done a certain way he and it isn't done the right way he is very disturbed

It is Not Right and you are not supposed to eat that way

Along with

Him being so confused about Heine leaving suddenly in the first episode

And... This is way too long it was supposed to be short bullets not paragraphs. Well I hope it was enjoyable anyway and I'll probably write an autistic Kai post later too

And one more Leonhard thing for the road