#when i was in theater in my first year of HS

[lilac-melody]

I never understood how people say sewing is easy and you can sew anything because it's just so simple...

[ladysophiebeckett]

why, when it’s my birthday do only gay men and instructors wish me a happy birthday? 

do they know what i am ? 

[illubean]

Valorant Protocol as Highschool Stereotypes

Characters: Chamber, Gekko, Iso, Jett, Killjoy, Neon, Phoenix, Raze, Sage, Skye, Viper, Yoru Type: Headcanons

HAHA help me valorant brainrot >.< also this is based off of my hs experience soooo yeah

Warnings: none

Chamber

your typical pretty boy

all the girls love him all the boys hate him

well...most of the girls love him

they follow him around to classes or offer him gifts or ask to sit with him at lunch etc.

and he eats up the attention every time

he's lab partners with Viper in Environmental Sciences and he likes trying to flirt with her

she actually hates him btw

Gekko

canonically he skateboards

but honestly? I can see him being on the dance team

he's so high energy, he needs some sort of outlet

he never misses an opportunity to show off his dance moves

homecoming? prom? he is the center of the dance circle

like Raze, he doesn't know how popular he is

he's just happy to have so many good friends that it doesn't even actually occur to him that he's considered "popular"

Iso

he's an ap art kid

like he walks around with a big ass sketchbook every day

always talking about his portfolio

Iso baby ily but please shut the fuck up about oil paints <3

he probably volunteered part of his summer break to come in and paint a mural for the school

I think he'd also take a piano class as like a schedule filler but he actually gets crazy good at it

Jett

pe tryhard

if you end up on the opposite team as her while playing dodge ball good luck 😓

she's always picked as team captain because literally no one else is excited as she is

she's sorta like Hairo from Saiki K 💀

she gets a lil mad when her teammates don't try

Killjoy

she's in robotics club

she's not very popular but that doesn't bother her at all

she heads straight to and from every class and spends her lunch period in the workshop unless Raze drags her off somewhere

not a lot of people actually know who she is, and if they do they just know her as 'Raze's Friend'

i think she'd remind the teacher about the homework and hit you with the "erm actually 🤓" tbh

Neon

she's on track and field/cross country

after every meet you can find her laying on the floor somewhere ready to puke bc she tries so hard to win 😭

she always ends up top 5 tho

she complains about practice but joins the team every year anyways

she carries her bag around all the time and if you open it there's like 10 water bottles in there

#hydratedqueen

Phoenix

theater kid DUHH

he's probably drama club president or sumn

bro will NOT let go of a specific song from a musical he was in his freshman year and it wasn't even his song 💀

he's been in every show every year and somehow he manages to land every role he wants

he's insanely good at the game 'bang' (mostly because he's louder than everyone else...)

he probably plans/hosts the cast parties too

Raze

she doesn't care much about her grades

she does the bare minimum and gets straight Cs

she's just here to have fun

everyone likes her because of her approachable personality

she doesn't think she's popular but she is

Sage

she's in the medical assistant class

she takes it very seriously, as she plans on going to medical school

even before taking the class she carries a first aid kit and other essentials everywhere she goes

you need a bandaid? ibuprofen? a pad or tampon? she has it all

she's also ASB president

school events literally would not be able to run without her

lets just say her college applications/resume will look REALLY good...

Skye

she also took medical assistant but was less crazy about it than Sage

she just follows her friend's lead

she thinks the skills are useful but she doesn't see herself making it her career

but also I think she would play volleyball

she's a well rounded player but specializes most in defense

still, don't underestimate her bc this girl can SPIKE

Viper

she took every ap science class offered without taking the general ones first

she complains about getting any grade below an A...

"What are you talking about? That test was easy"

sorry not everyone is as smart as you Sabine 😑

she spends all her free time at chem tutoring (even though she doesn't need it)

Yoru

he thinks he looks cool and mysterious when he walks down the halls but he doesn't

everyone just thinks his mad all the time and stay out of his way 😭

randos try to pick fights with him bc he "looked at them wrong" (Yoru wins every time)

he's not exactly a 'quiet kid' but he does lay low when it comes to the social part of school

despite his 'bad boy' look, he has pretty good grades

he's also probably one of those guys that a handful of girls have a crush on but he has no idea

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

A Very Long, Personal [but positive] Ramble about Neurodivgerency and Character Hyperfixation

[u can ignore this if you want this is just an ADHD ramble - this is a kinda 'mask off' talk about ADHD, autism and my personal history with it all. I also talk about the upsides and downsides - and the importance of Hobie to me personally - I just wanna normalize this stuff lol]

a.k.a The story of how I sent from obsessing over him to HIM in 10 years (what a glowup on my part ik)

(I know a lot of peeps on here can feel self-conscious about being neurodivergent and character connection or whatever you wanna call it and so do I! So I wanted to write it out or just ramble for my own sake)

I don't know if it's obvious or not, but I LOVE HOBIE BROWN. I'm going to be completely candid - I think about him maybe 85 percent of the day if not more, and that's in no way an exaggeration.

No matter what I'm doing, there's a least one tab open in my brain thinking about him. It may not be the focus, but it's there.

That's just how I operate. And I've been this way for a LONG time. In fact, Hobie isn't my first 'total focus' character in Marvel.

I gain VERY deep hyperfixations on Marvel Characters, many lasting years. And there's nothing wrong with that - in fact it's rad!

!!!! ATTENTION: This is a whimsical care-free zone. For Happy Funny Folk !!!!!!!!!

Loki - My introduction to hyperfixation with characters

I don't know if this is surprising or you'd be like 'yeah u seem like the type' but I use to LOVE Loki. For YEARS.

I'm AuDHD and when I was 13/14, a freshman in HS, he was my hyperfixation. Eerything I do for Hobie, I did for Loki. I even had a Loki blog for like 3/4 years.

This was back in 2012-2013, when Avengers had just came out, and the MCU wasn't - well, the MCU yet.

But even back then, the Loki fandom was HUGE. I have no idea who was also on Tumblr back then but it was gigantic. Because movies weren't coming out every 3 months, it went on for yearrrrsssss. Art, edits, fics, everything.

I was soooo into, I loved Loki. Like Hobie, I probably thought about Loki maybe 85-90% of the day.

And sure I was doing a lot of other stuff but in the back of my head there was always the oc x canon storyline running in my head, or replaying scenes from memory and analyzing, or wondering and speculating about his character.

I mask very minimally or not at all - so everyone in my school knew me for it. And at the time I didn't know I was neurodivergent, but that didn't stop me - I was genuinely proud of it.

I wore Loki shirts to school and brought the Avengers DVD the day it dropped (this was back before streaming in ye' old 2013). I knew the Avengers movie back to front.

I saw Thor: The Dark World the day it released and SOBBED openly in the theater when he 'died'. (I remember my mom leaning over and whispering 'Do you wanna leave?' cause I seemed that upset lol)

And everyday I use to wear a necklace like this -

(credit IJSY on Etsy)

But in black, until one day I had it in my pocket and I sat on it in class and broke it in two. And people around me deadass were like 'daammnn I know that shit hurt in ur soul' cause I LOVED Loki and people knew it. And I didn't care if they did.

And I was like that for years. Overtime the Loki fandom fizzled out, especially around Phase 2 when things like GOTG first came out.

But I had a Loki fixation like maybe up until the show came out. And even then I've seen the whole thing (I ain't even like it that much 4.5/10) and I'm gonna watch the second one (I'm a fool)

But any way like to this day I still remember the first time I saw Loki and how it made me feel and I can like picture it in my head and I consider it a pretty influencial albeit mundane moment in my life.

And it was a very specific feeling but it was like as soon as I saw Loki's first scene in Avengers, I was plugged into the screen.

Other Hyperfixations - Charles Xavier, Peter Parker

All of my hyperfixations are on men in marvel and they have always been. There's been others I've cycled through, usually based on the newest movie. I even went through a LENGTHY and very in depth K-pop era (don't get me started).

Charles Xavier was a favorite of mine (from X-Men First Class), and I LOVE MCU Peter Parker. I still do. But none hit like Loki did.

There was never THAT feeling, like the fantastical electric feeling.

And I had never felt that feeling again UNTIL I SAW HOBIE (i wanna cry)

My fixation with HOBIE BROWN HOBIE BROWN HOBIE BROWN (sorry I can't say his name only one time im too excited)

In the theatre my jaw genuinely dropped like I'm pretty sure I said 'OH NAH' to myself when i first saw him

Cause he was the prettiest character I've ever seen and I mean that

I didn't recognize what that feeling was until just now like YES, it's the same feeling. And I can't even describe it.

It's like every other character is normal but as soon as you lay eyes on this character for the first time it's like suddenly they're under your skin and curled up in your heart and you can FEEL them and the weight of them PHYSICALLY like not body wise but like astral personhood wise (do I sound unhinged)

And Hobie was just so pretty.

First of all - I didn't know he was black fgsbtgtuiuigs id never heard of spiderpunk

The wicks were what caught me off guard first. I know what wicks are, I've seen them before. But never animated.

And although Miles and Gwen and Pavi all look realistic - Hobie looked real to me. The high cheekbones and broad lips, the raised brow ridge and wide set eyes - he looked different from them, not just in art style but like - I DONT KNOW.

But that's how it is, you know what I mean. There was just something in my brain that was like 'he has meaning to me'. Like 'Idk who this man is, but whatever story he's writing, I'm reading it'.

That's what hyperfixation feels like.

And Hobie in specific held and holds so much more weight for me IN ADDITION.

I started falling out of my Loki phase around Thor: Ragnorok in 2017 - which is to say I was varying degrees of 'obsessed' with Loki for about 5 years.

Around that time, maybe starting in 2015, police brutality in NYC picked up. Me and my friends started getting more radicalized, going to protests, and identifying as communists, anarchists, or both.

One of my favorite things at the time was The Black Panther Party handbook I'd found at a second hand-book store. And for a while the Black Panther Party was a special interest of mine.

It made me really interested in the 70's, the civil rights movement, and the rise of punk that happened at the same time. Around this time, I made my first 'battle jacket' with a patch that said "Black Lives Matter, Bitch." and begged my parents for a pair of doc martens.

I didn't have Hobie back then, but I have him now. And he still resonates.

There was very much a time where I was that homeless, punk teen, angry at police, who wanted to be taken in by my favorite heros.

My admiration for Hobie comes from like - everything he is. Everything he stands for and represents. I don't need Hobie like I would've as a teen. But I know deep down the healing he could bring other people as a comfort character.

Or even in terms of a good political example, or great rep for alt black people. All of it.

That can't really be said for Loki. Or Charles Xavier (even if X-men is a race allegory), or even Peter Parker.

I grew up in NYC all my life, and I LOVE Spider-man, but I never felt Connected to Peter Parker as if we lived in the same city. I never felt something in common with Peter even if he was broke too.

Hobie's just different, y'know.

The Downsides

It's easy to feel really embarrassed by all this - and even now I'm feeling shy even describing how it feels.

Cringe culture gets in your head before you know it. I'm CONSTANTLY telling myself 'no, Hobie would understand that you're neurodivergent and this is you expressing yourself he wouldn't think youre cringe youre not cringe okay' As if my comfort character Hobie Brown thinking I'm cringe is like jksjfkjf the worst thing ever - i can't, i can't with myself.

I genuinely want to hug Hobie more than I want to huge most celebrities or influential real-life people.

I genuinely think hugging him would be more healing to my being than hugging the Pope or the Dhali Lama or something. I admire him and care about him but he's NOT REAL. It's PARASOCIAL And like duh, I know that - i'm grown as fuck.

Sometimes it can genuinely get you down that you care about this character-person and you can't be with them

It's like you miss them. But they're not real and you don't know them. And I know that sounds tragic or bizarre. But it's kinda just weird. It feels weird not in a sad way, but in a 'why brain?? why is this possible in my brain?? huh???' way.

Like...I know it's parasocial, but like it's not like a fan and a youtuber. He's not real, I'm not giving him money or hurting anyone. I know there's nothing to be ashamed of, but it's just WEIRD.

Like... I know my cat isn't a person and mentally I don't see them as a person and can't like analyze them like a full formed person even if I wanted to. But with Hobie - someone who is not a person - my brain can???? Like I've never met him but like... I can imagine a full conversation with him beginning to end in his place of residence I've also never seen before??????? SO WEIRD.

Also theres that thing of him running in the back of my head 85% of the time.

Even if I'm talking or cooking or something, I'm still daydreaming about him - I have ADHD. And during those times if i'm interrupted and someone give me a THIRD thing to do (besides thing 1 and thinking about Hobie) I get irritated. Because now I have less brain room for Hobie stuff.

The Upsides

Now reading all of this you might be like 'sib this sounds like nothing but a problem r u okay' but I PROMISE ITS REAL FUN SOMETIMES

And it's nothing to feel ashamed of!

Now the last part was just a list of downsides, but the upsides are more things I can do because of my hyperfixation on Hobie that makes me happy

Like I said, I daydream a LOT. Like a LOT.

Mainly with OCs You can probably tell how much I like OCs, and how much OCs - even others', mean to me. And usually, my OCs are the ones who I see the in-media universe through. I don't have to think about making an OC much, for me personally they come fully formed. Because of this, while I'm watching movies I begin to have involuntary daydreams of where I can add in an OC, or what they'd be doing. I typically only do this for Marvel though. Hardly DC or any other media other than maybe Batman. For Loki, it was a character named Asdisira Heimdaldottir who I shipped with him. And for Hobie it's Diane Pastors (Disco-Spider).

And although I am in completely control of what these daydreams are, they are vividly realistic, and can come on at different times.

For me, it's while listening to music mostly. But anything can trigger it - from a good text post, to hearing a phrase. And these daydreams are extremely vivid. Most times, you can visibly see when I'm doing it. My eyes will glaze over or start moving as if I'm trying to remember something. Sometimes I may say 'random' phrases. I say lines from the scene I'm in outloud. (Like saying 'How could you!' in an offended tone to myself, if that's what the character in the daydream is saying). I also make facial expressions. I can do it on purpose, like hitting play on a movie and resuming where I left off. Usually, when I do this, I close my eyes. I much prefer to sit and do it without multitasking, but I often do it while doing something else.

These daydreams connect, and arcs/storylines can go on for months/years.

Usually these stories go on for months in IRL time, and span the whole history of the character. For Loki, I probably has Asdisira for 4 years at most. Which is still a LONG time. These arcs can take different pathways, and I may imagine a scene multiple times - in different ways, but usuall the timeline of the oc x canon stays overall the same. Sadly, I almost never write these down. I would pull my hair out and theres not enough time in the world for me to write Diane and Hobie's full narrative down in detail that does it justice. I wanna make a bullet list of their narrative but i dont wanna clog dashes

I can genuinely use them as a comfort character.

I don't need this much now, and nowhere as much as I needed it in high school, but having the ability to daydream vividly at will about a character you feel safe and happy with - it's dope. Sometimes it really helps. There were a lot of times I imagined Loki comforting me or showing me kindness or helping me calm down. And sometimes you can do it just for fun. Like, as a treat. Whenever. I'm imagining Diane and Hobie at a fish n' chip shop right now. It's drizzling outside and it smells like oil and Hobie douses his chips in wayyy to much vinegar. It's like I'm there. Like...I just do that. thats rad as hell. (and I don't know how to describe it if you can't do it but hopefully others know how it is but it's VIVID, like wayyyy more than any dream.)

Literally a walking fact book about them.

I'm smug AS FUCK. I use to love when dudes in high school challenged me about the MCU cause I wore a shirt. Like, oh buddy. Oh pal. Just you fucking wait. I know this character better than you know your own mother - try me hoe. I love reading characters like a book and rewatching scenes, breaking down motives, watching their movements, looking for patterns and drawing connections to real world history, cultures, or psychology. I LOVE watching behavior and personality in the movies, and making conclusions about where they'd come from, reasonably, for the character, and how it affects them outside the scope of the film.

And most of all - It's Free Joy we're almost at the end I promise

This is long as all hell and unlike my other posts there really isn't a neat little character study but uhhh I wanna end with this I guess -

The best part of it, is it's free joy. Literally.

My brain can do something a lot of others can't. I can feel a kind a comfort and understanding with a character, I can entertain myself and come up with amazing stories that have mean to me.

I can make wonderful worlds and all that without lifting a finger, and hangout with my favorite characters just by going

(literally how i be sitting there - professor x headass)

I hoping the fucking multiverse with my mind.

But there's nothing cringe about that. And there's nothing cringe about drawing Hobie for hours on end, by himself or with an oc. There's nothing cringe about thinking about them a lot, or wanting to buy or make a lot of merch.

We aren't hurting anyone. It's not like a celebrity or a youtuber. Nothing we're doing is taboo or anything we're literally just being happy. And squealing about a character we deeply love

Like..Golly if more mfers in this world were squealing like us once a week maybe they'd be happier, you know what I mean. People be walking around mad as hell at the world...like why don't you look at this picture of Hobie and calm down? That's what makes me calm down.

__________________________________________________

Anyway uh this is LONG and not connected much to ATSV but if you read down this low THANK YOU so deeply it means a lot. If you relate to this at all I'd love to hear.

And if you think I'm unhinged. Absolutely. But that has nothing to do with this and ain't nothing wrong about it, in the words of megan the stallion... 'ah'.

I leave you with this pic of Hobie goodbye :)

im using my magic autism powers to hold his hand :) now im giving him a hug im having fun

[rattys-prinxiety-countdown]

*starts straight up vibrating*

Prinxiety is my biggest muse for high school AUs. Maybe it's because I'm in high school (update the 👑 lore /j) and so I remember things that happen to me and that I can take inspiration from but they're so.. *incomprehensible noises*. I love them. I feel like hs universes get dunked on for being used so often but they're used so often for a reason. Hehehe I love them <3

— 👑

Prinxiety high school aus >>>> they're so iconic, especially when they involve a musical/theater storyline. One of the first few ones I read stuck with me for years, where Roman was auditioning for the lead role, and Virgil was in the tech crew cleaning back stage. He was singing along to Roman's audition song when suddenly his booth mic got set to the speakers (with the power of plot devices) and Roman gets his audition ruined because of it. Virgil ends up as Roman's understudy and they practice lines together

The fic had a seriously wild ending and one of them ends up in the hospital and deaf?? Wattpad fics were WILD

[thisdorkyblogthing]

A HS AU Genderbent Thorki Concept:

I just need to get it out of my head ok

Thor:

is so Very Very Tall, like, only 4 boys in the school are even eye level with her. that kind of Tall

and she plays like, 8 sports, and she excels at most of them

unsurprisingly, she is Stacked and Jacked

she strikes fear and horniness in the hearts of teenage boys (and quite a few girls too)

at least 15 years have been shaved off Odin's life from having to deal with all the grown-ass men hitting on his daughter since she was like, 11

another 12 came off when Frigga had to have a sit down conversation about making a Bra Budget when she was ~13 and her boobs showed no signs of stopping

('how much could a bra cost? 20 bucks?' 'oh, sweetheart, I wish.')

spends 90% of the time in leggings, t-shirts and usually her varsity jacket, but will get in the mood at random times to dress up a bit and people go a bit crazy about it

she's a good enough student but she's got some marks on her record bc she's a bit of hothead and not interested in taking anyone's shit

like, the week long suspension she got when she dinged a guy in the shoulder with a softball for being a douche to her friend (he's lucky there were no bats around, she's better with those) and the one time she backhanded a guy who "fell" conveniently right into her boobs, and calling that teacher she hates "a dumb little bitch"

coincidentally, she meets Loki in detention!

and coincidentally, Thor's type is scrappy gender gremiln, whatever that means

Loki:

scrappy gender gremlin

like, ok, she/her, but also ????????

has that choppy af, DIY kitchen scissors haircut that she impulsively gave herself on a tuesday night at 3am bc the shoulder length mop she had going on just wasn't doing it for her

she's also done some bathroom bleach and color jobs that she's fucked up immensely so now she's back to having black hair but now it's crispy

and messy, smudgy black eyeliner all the time, baby!!

98% of her wardrobe is made up of t-shirts she's stolen from her brothers and baggy jeans

is a theater kid, but not by choice, she just got kinda absorbed by them

is an exceptionally good student (despite staying up til 3am most nights) and is generally considered a delight by her teachers

except for the one she called a 'braindead motherfucker' which, in her defense, he kinda is

it's also why she was in detention to meet Thor

Loki was all nervous and skittish bc it's her first time in detention and lil miss Thora just waltzes in and plops down in the desk beside her, pissed bc she has to miss practice

and Loki knows of Thor and has, of course, seen her (she's hard to miss) but their social circles don't overlap so it's the first time she's getting an up close look at her and *gulp*

why does she suddenly want to be put in a headlock???? in a sexual way????????

she can't stop staring bc Wow, So Pretty and Thor looks over and gives Loki a really thorough once over that makes Loki's toes tingle

they start talking (and getting shushed) and as it turns out they're both in detention for shit talking the same teacher!

[divorcetual]

Im worried that ive gone so long without irl friends that I dont know how to actually make them anymore. The last friends I made irl were in kindergarden and first grade, and I kept them until my sophmore year of hs. Ig I made others but we always fell out of contact within a few months. Im always too formal or too casual with them. I cant gauge how theyll teact until after I do and then its just. ugh. It feels like I have to put on a show its so fucking annoying.

I hate it. I did so well with my friends until last year. I kinda resent them for abandoning me. They got closer with ppl in the theater department. Ugh.

Its been. Two years now without actual friends irl to talk to. I hung out with one person but realized I kinda hate being around her so I stopped. I think im unapproachable. I try to be really nice but ig it doesnt rlly matter if theres no one talking to me to be nice to. ugh. Whatever. Whatever.

Its annoying being reminded of it. When I get bored in weekends I just sit and scroll on my phone. I cant go to the mall or see a movie with friends. Because I dont have any. When I make too many cookies I have to eat them all or throw them oit because I dont have friends to give them to. My mom asked if I had any friends that might enjoy some extras we had the other day. What am I supposed to fucking say. No I dont. I dont have anyone irl I can do anything with or give anything to so stop asking. ugh.

I love my family and im really lucky to have such great parents but it sucks having to do everything alone or with them. I want to see the ghibli fest with my friends not with my mom. A new cat cafe opened near me and you have to have someone above 18 with you if ur a minor. Im young for a senior since my birthday is in July so a lot of ppl around me are 18. But the only ones I know are my parents. I want to go to the mall or walk around this market street near me. Its boring to go alone and I dont want my parents there either. So I dont go.

Im running out of things to do. The bookstore is way too expensive compared to online. 20$ more in person isnt worth it. The library is nice but I cant do much there. Ive read all the things that interest me. Its so annoying going to a cafe just to sit on my phone. The money isnt really worth it.

Whatever. whatever

[your-time-is-gonna-come]

15 questions for 15 friends

I was tagged by the lovely @sherlock-is-ace <3 Thank you!!!

Are you named after anyone?

Yes, two great grandmothers & one actress

When was the last time you cried?

I teared up a lil seeing the subway ads for the Boston marathon a few days ago. Sounds a lil crazy but the runners often support really heartstring-pulling causes and it hits different if you remember the bombing (also it was JUST before i started my period)

Do you have kids?

Nope, and I don't want to grow my own either (I could see myself become a foster parent in 20 years)

What sports do you play/have you played?

A ton! Because i'm bad at all of them and love trying new things. I've been going to Jiu Jitsu & Krav Maga classes recently. I did soccer and crew in HS, and I've been skiing since I was two.

Do you use sarcasm?

Yup

What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Whatever takes up the most amount of space, so usually hair or skin color tbh

What’s your eye color?

Brown

Scary movies or happy endings comedies?

Happy endings for sure! I like the occasional scary movie but imo if i wanted to see sad/upsetting things, i'd just read the news

Any talents?

Jack of all trades fr. If i had to pick, I would say fiber arts and bong rips ;)

Where were you born?

New England, USA (identity theft mfs aren't getting any more detail on that)

What are your hobbies?

I play a TON of video games and love a good craft. I've been knitting since i was like 5

Do you have any pets?

Nope

How tall are you?

5'4" (163cm) - "Average American woman" iirc but people say I'm short

Favorite subject in school?

History

Dream job?

Running a combination film projection theater/dutch coffeeshop (aka place you can smoke weed inside) (there would have to be a lot of legal and financial changes in order for that to ever happen lol)

I tag: @samwilsonshandsandass @charlottan @medusolo @articulate-and-annoying @the-penguinator @jojobelle19 @superbcandyangel @asster-ish @thelunarlights @saturnbees @bastardsinclair @charmingimmortality @nonbinaryactivist @motherearthsplantasia1976 @purenpcenergy & anyone else who wants to join in on the fun! (no pressure)

[knightcoree]

Vent rn while I'm unable to sleep from sickness

W digital art I feel like I could do so much more and feel way more confident in my art skills. But like. Affording the software is..hard..for a person who's not already rich...heck..I can't even afford to get a upgraded phone. This phone is running on fumes at this point lol...money issues are hard...and it's harder to make money to fix them in the first place. The system truly is broke. Just saying. Especially w mental issues up the wazoo like I got going on. To the point working like in public is hard a huge struggle. Which is why I have not worked in months. There's a huge issue w the system rn. And soc security is given to those who don't even need it and denied to those who do. It's so dumb tbh. Living is so hard. Money is so hard. Everything is so hard. Ugh. Life's not very simple. And unless your gifted w money , people skills, or talent. Your just going to stay at rock bottom forever like me. It's sucks man. Adulting sucks. Everything sucks. I wish things were easier. I can't even drive because of my crippling anxiety yet the gov says I'm apparently not disabled enough which my old neighbors had parties every day and were living the dream on soc security I feel they could've went without. Yah. It's hard. I just want to live but even that's a struggle in this world. Getting my meds is hard even. I'm barely hanging in there w my bipolar shit and Sui thoughts from depression and constant anxiety. And the gov won't let me get my meds because I'm still searching for a psychologist who takes my shit insurance they could provide me. It's..not good ..I'm losing it here...and my stomach issues which I need meds for too..and my thyroid issues which I can't easily get meds for either. This all sucks. I just. ..I am not sleeping well lately either. This isn't good . Why is my autism not severe enough why is my mental state which is falling apart not disabled enough why. I'm even more upset I can't afford schooling to get my voice acting classes so I can do shit w my life already. I'm 27 come on. And I can't get to any theater groups to launch my career cuz none take adults in my area. You gotta do it at a young age and i was stupid in hs and didn't...ugh...if I had anyone who could help me even a friend. But I dont even got friends anymore since years ago when I broke up w a toxic one I had since middle school ...I need irl ones for sure one day tho..I'm so alone...and I'm passionate for theatre which...I can't even start into ..cuz of my age...again..life's stupid..and the place I'm stuck living in...my parents house....is hard to live in cuz my dad's bipolar af like me and we fight constantly. .and my mom just ignores me when I'm breaking down...and my bro....just ...acts like he's my boss or something... I'm surprised I've lasted this long tbh...w how toxic my house is....rn..we go to therapy...it'll be a slow process tho w how much we have to fix...and I'm like hanging by a thread here...my mom already told me a lot she notices how much im struggling mentally at times and tries to step away when I'm moody af from bipolar...it's hard to stay in control...and it's a miracle I havent...gave up...on myself and gave into the thoughts...I'm staying strong tho...let's hope I can continue til ..I figure shit out ig...

And before you say anything I've tried working on art from my tiny ass phone. It's not good I need to get a bigger device or something. A laptop even would do better. I can't rn tho..

[lilac-melody]

Hm hm~

[silly-username-here]

Rant (if you don't want to read please scroll to the bottom)

This is my two cents on the live action snow white movie as a theater kid, cosplayer, Disney princess lover, and snow white doppelganger.

1-Snow white. Now before you come after me for talking about the actress this is NOT because she isn't white, she is a beautiful actress and imo her not being white doesn't matter, racism is not tolerated on my blog. The only thing I have "against" her is the snippet of her singing that we've gotten. Her voice is beautiful, but not right for snow white. In the snippet of her singing "whistle while you work" It feels too heavy for the character. In my opinion someone with a more operatic voice would've fit the role more. There are other Disney princess roles that would suit her voice better, but snow white needs someone with a softer voice.

2 (part A)- The dress. The dress sucks, you can't change my mind. It's so ugly. The yellow color they made her skirt looks so tacky and bright, same with the blue. The material they made her skirt out of looks so costumy and it's way too puffy. the bodice isn't super bad, but, the waistline is weird and the lace up thing that's going on in the front feels out of place. Her sleeves are cool I guess? There are many examples of Disney butchering the dress in live action adaptations (ex. Beauty and the beast), but they also have some good examples where they do the dress justice (ex. Cinderella), it's always kinda a hit or miss with Disney. I've done theater for years, and I've been in two productions of beauty and the beast the musical (one with a local theater and one with my hs theater), both times with belles dress they have knocked it out of the park, I'm not being biased they have made some horrid costumes believe me, but, both times I saw belles yellow dress for the first time it was so amazing and beautiful. Cosplayers are another good example of making Disney princess dresses look good. one of my cosplay mutuals made an Ariel dress, yes it was teal (but that's a discussion for another post), but it felt so real. It didn't look costumy at all, and the material looked so nice and everything looked like it's belonged. If theater departments and cosplayers with a limited budget can make Disney dresses better than DISNEY then that shows how much effort they really put into their movies. Also what's with the necklace? I know it's probably gonna be incorporated into the story like "her mom gave it to her before she died" or something because Disney loves to do that but it just looks like they started recording and she forgot to take her necklace off.(If you want to hear more I recommend lovebunnycos's videos, you can find them on tiktok and Instagram)

2 (part B)- the hair and makeup. I have been told countless times that I look like snow white (not really right now because my hair is purple and in a pixie cut) especially when my hair is in a bob, Im very pale,I have a round face, and I always dye my hair black, so I unintentionally look like her (on the dl she's one of my least fav princesses so I'm not trying to brag💔). I'm not trying to be biased or anything when I say this but her hair sucks. It does not look flattering on this beautiful actress. Its cut weird and it looks very unnatural. I see what they were trying to do with it at the ends but it was not executed well. I like that they gave her brown hair because black just wouldn'tve looked good imo, but other than that it just looks bad. Now her makeup, it's not bad at all but I do think it needs tweaked. First I would give her more blush on the apples of her cheeks, on her chin, and on her nose. It would really add to the cartoon look and definitely make her look younger (I'm not saying she doesn't look young it's just snow white is literally a child). I think using contour to make her face rounder and adding more red to the lips would add a lot more to the look. Other than that I don't really have any complaints about the makeup. Also where did her bow go? I loved the bow :(

3.- The dwarfs. What are you doing Disney? They got rid of them but then brought them back but made them cgi because they wanted to be PC but in turn became less PC. Just hire little people?? Little people exist, they don't bite. Just hire seven people with dwarfism and leave your weird cgi for animals. Literally what was Disney thinking making them cgi? Again just Disney not caring or putting any effort in their live action movies.

4- yapping. Disney needs to stop with live action movies. I know there are people who love live action adaptations, and I've enjoyed a few of them. With Cinderella it was fun! Jungle book was cool, and then lion king everyone was tired. If they need more ideas they need to hire younger writers. There are tons of new stories out there that will never reach people because Disney's too busy cranking out live action cash grabs and sequels to movies that don't need to be tampered with. It's gotten so bad that the Internet will believe anyone if they say another movie is being made into live action (ex. "Live action" tangled, where Avantika Vandanapu was harassed for being fan casted as repunzle.). I think if Disney really wants to make more money they should put more effort into their movies and listen to what the audience want. Disney hasn't been original in decades, every movie is a remake of something, but you could take an already made story and make it interesting in other ways.

No matter what I say it's not gonna change anything. I'm a teenage girl ranting on Tumblr and Disney is a giant multi million dollar company run by white rich men who only care about money. It's just nice thinking some people will hear what I have to say and agree with it, even tho it won't change the bigger picture.

I can change a familys life though. Disney doesn't care about people dying or what's happening on the other side of the world, but we as individuals can. ⬇️

This is my friend Farah, her and her two little boys were displaced in the ongoing g3n0c1d3 happening in g🍉za. If you could donate to or share her gofund me it would mean so much. Or if you could just reblog this post and say "scroll to the bottom" it would help too. https://gofund.me/545623fe

Thank you 💜

[auschizm]

NOT A MAN!!!

I am not a drop out! I completed my four years of HS as a whole while being forced out of school. There is a huge difference. I walked that stage and passed out from overwhelm in the car.

My college experience was not as successful but I am still persistent and getting it done with no support. I have not seen a four year university. no one even helped with the process of applying or going for a college visit. I choose a two year rather than a four year than would put me in debt for the next 50+ years. I was marked as an Undecided Associates of Science and that was changed from Associates of Science- Medical Research (oncology).

My previous semester I met someone from the theater district which is a block down from my community college. Turned out to be a college student and a local actor. Very beautiful and we similarly just kept to ourselves but still stayed present.

That anon is a 4year college first gen graduate. been back for over a year but not as close. They saw as little of my last 5 years as possible because of how I affected their first year. I do not get to apologize and neither of us receive closure to move on. Somehow they can still remain a third party to my life while lying about it and making it obvious.

They are going off a learned medical history. Not science. Not education. A LEARNED HISTORY!! My cousin has drug induced schizophrenia when his street marijuana was laced. My grandmother had psychosis and late stages of dementia. have you caught on to how I am being personified as a man and a mentally ill man because of my father’s family medical history. While on the flip side of that is heart disease, cancer, and narcissism. I have chronic neck and back pain and haven’t been to a neurologist in years so I could be living with a brain tumor or something of that nature.

I do not act how others want me to so of course something extremely has to be wrong with me.

if you like people yelling at you, putting words in your mouth and actions on you when you know none of that is true and none of that relates to you. Go ahead, but that’s not me and whoever is telling you this is wrong and not me either.

I’m tired of being dehumanized. I’m tired of being ignored and left in silence. I’m tired of being the toxic one when everybody else around me is literally toxic and everyone is telling you that I am toxic and there’s something wrong with me when in reality they’re not facing their own shit. in reality, they’re just telling you my shit in place of them not facing their own shit.

I’m tired of all this. I wish you never came out to my fucking Tumblr because this has been a nightmare ever since and you think it’s a joke you think it’s funny and so you keep doing it and honestly, I’m fucking tired of it so go find something better to do yourself. go downplay someone else’s mental health and neurodivergence. Go find someone else to invalidate someone else who will put up with your shit because this is disgusting. I never thought that this would happen I thought you were a better person I thought you were someone different.

what the fuck is this?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't know who you are, what this is about or why you are sending this to me, so whatever you think I've written at or about you definitely wasn't directed at you at all.

[oswlld]

Eight (8) Shows to Get to Know Me

tagged by @talays-portkey ♥ ty for tagging me and having me walk down memory lane for the past few days (spent too much time in all the tags microdosing on my upbringing)

DISCLAIMER: i wanted to showcase defining eras in my life/made an impact in a substantial way; i’m also recommending an ep to watch with each one, which isn’t part of the tag format but imma do it

--

i. LOST (2004-2010)

this was my whole world for my entire hs existence and into my early college years. half of the shows listed here stems from my first love of the ensemble cast, their interwoven yet clandestine storylines, and the mystery box. at my first sdcc, half of the cast was present when they debuted p1 of the series finale (you’d think i was dead the whole time fksfsk;lv)

the jessi special: The Constant (04x05)

ii. Fringe (2008-2013)

yes, i faithfully followed jj abrams into another insane show. i think it actually altered my brain chemistry, rewired something in me, devoured a piece of me. once LOST was over and Fringe brought in the alternate universe, i dove in head first and never resurfaced

the jessi special: Making Angels (04x11)

iii. Doctor Who (2005-Present)

i think it was technically winter 2010 when i started binging this show because s6 was my first time catching it live (was young and naïve, i caught it on bbca lol) ive been on hellsite for almost two years at the time and fully became a fandom blog, so it was inevitable i would love this series. i think it was the first show i made gifs/edits for???

the jessi special: The Doctor’s Wife (06x04)

iv. Lizzie Bennet Diaries (2012-2013)

oh look, my dna makeup shifts again. i actually started watching this show the week leading up to Darcy Day and can still vividly remember the migraines from binging 8-10min eps times 60ish worth of content. this show got me into writing my first fic, running an rp blog, creating instrumental playlists, making a DWxLBD blog, AND eventually flying my ass back to CA to meet the cast and beloved mutuals at VidCon

the jessi special: A New Buddy (ep56)

v. Orphan Black (2013-2017)

happy international women’s day to this show and this show only! i think of all the shows listed here, this is the first time since LOST i caught all the eps in real time from the very beginning. this was filling the hole Fringe was about to carve deep in me. but if you cut me open, you will find the beth-shaped hole that nothing/no one has been able to fill and likely will never fill til the end of time

the jessi special: The Collapse of Nature (04x01)

vi. Shadowhunters (2016-2019)

im willing to admit that the reason i got into this show was because of the wedding kiss haha i saw the clip, signed the adoption papers on the spot, and went on to write a 100K+ wip series. admittedly, i confess that this was a DNF and never finished the last season... i abandoned my boy.gif

the jessi special: Of Men and Angels (01x06)

vii. Sense8 (2015-2018)

a show about eight children than i gave birth to, that i raised on my own, that i will defend on my death bed and beyond??? that show sense8?? yes that show sense8. fun fact, when they did the screening of the finale in Chicago, the cast ended up sitting three rows behind me in the theater and i could hear them talking in between scenes the entire evening. wish i could bottle that feeling up

the jessi special: I Have No Room in My Heart for Hate (02x07)

viii. Bad Buddy (2021-2022)

and we finally made it to the current decade! its nov 2021, im fresh off leaving my previous job and still getting situated in my new position, yet this show was a siren calling to me in the dark mist of my life. i ended up saving the binge watching for the week of my bday and my whole life shifted again. it must have been so alarming on the outside, seeing me go from making 1-2 edits a month to 1-2 edits a day for almost THREE MONTHS. the fact that i still cont to avg two edits/week since then... oy lol

the jessi special: Ep10 (shocked pikachu.jpg)

and ill also throw some honorable mentions too: Chuck, The Good Place, Vice Versa, Twenty Five Twenty One, Once Upon a Time, and Elementary

--

now tagging @pranink, @icouldhyperfixatehim, @noxclara, @curious-earth (no pressure tho!)

[stereopticons]

fifteen things

tagged by @mostlyinthemorning @blackandwhiteandrose and @goodiecornbread!

Are you named after anyone? I don't think so, though I do have the same middle name as my mom. Not sure if that was intentional or not, because the reason she decided on my middle name was that so my initials would spell out a "tomboy" nickname I could use because she always wanted people to call her by a boy's name and no one ever did. No one has ever called me by this name.

When was the last time you cried? Sunday? I think?

Do you have kids? david rose absolutely not dot gif

Do you use sarcasm a lot? I would never.

What's the first thing you notice about people? Their face, I guess? I'm not sure.

What's your eye color? Brownish green

Scary movie or happy ending? Depends on my mood. I can handle some scary movies

Any special talents? I can cook?

Where were you born? In a town that I still struggle to spell in the mid-south US.

What are your hobbies? writing, reading, baking. Recently got back into theater. I crochet very badly!

Do you have any pets? three cats!

What sports do you play/have you played? I played soccer as a child but I was the kid making flower chains instead of actually playing. I swam competitively for about 10 years and wasn't terrible but quit because it was getting in the way of music and theatre

How tall are you? 5′5" - I only recently stopped lying to myself about this

Favorite subject in school? I mean. I used to skip gym to hang out in the band room, and my senior year of HS, I took three band classes, so I feel like that should tell you.

Dream job? I like the work I do, I just want to do it on my own terms. But there are days when the science is hard and I dream about opening up a bookstore/coffeeshop/bar. I also still sometimes dream about being a musician for Broadway shows, which was my career goal when I was younger.

tagging @alienajackson @rosedavid @roseapothecary @lilythesilly @jettestar @celeritas2997 @lizzie-bennetdarcy and anyone else who wants to play!

[peepsibo]

demon slayer rant cause i can (manga spoilers)

haven’t really thought about kny since forcing myself to be un-hyperfixated on it once 2021 hit. been casually following it since the mugen train movie came out in theaters due to being busy with life and having read the manga so i know everything to expect (to put this into perspective-- i was finishing up my sophomore year in hs when i first watched the anime and now im about to be a second-year college student) but with this recent season following some of my top characters (genya, muichiro, and mitusri) and knowing my other top characters (giyuu) are about to become important again i can’t help thinking deeply about it (and to reiterate, manga spoilers past ‘read more’ youve been warned)

the reason why i wanted to rant about kny was the handling of the upcoming training arc. it’s a short arc, but incredibly important for character development and set pieces for the last arc. at first, maybe a movie adaption like mugen train but i don’t think that’s a good way to adapt it, for the sole reason that anime onlys will see ‘training arc’ and just chalk it up to filler (which-- it kinda is but shhhhh), so obviously it has to be apart of a season. i however don’t believe it should be it’s own season like how the last two arcs have been adapted just cause it is a shorter arc, i think at tops it should be six episodes with one episode being dedicated to giyuu’s backstory like (like ep 8 of s3) and the sixth episode ending on the ubuyashiki estate exploding and the crows delivering the news of the final battle starting. this is a weird thing to rant on but whatever. this leads me to believe the smartest choice for ufotable is to make s4 the last season altogether and have around the same amount of episodes as s1 and maybe even an extra episode or two just to do the story justice. 

another thing i want to ramble about is how i believe zenitsu and obanai were done dirty in the story. every other main character was treated with respect and were able to be taken seriously except these two, with zenitsu just being the “comic relief” and obanai basically being a second thought. like, his backstory was thrown at us out of left field we only spent time with him one-on-one for like a chapter until his backstory. i wish he was treated with more respect (this also might just be the fact one of my closest alters in my system is an obanai fictive because i originally did not like obanai LOL). that’s why near the end of my time in the fandom i literally created an entire arc in my head that i maybe told like one other person that would develop their characters more and be treated seriously (willing to go more in-depth with that arc if asked).

i think lastly what i want to go on about is how i genuinely love the shinazugawa brothers. now while genya is in my top three of kny characters, sanemi isn’t in my top lists but goddamn do i love him, i think i just kinda love every character especially now that i grown up and love obanai more. but the story with the sinazugawa brothers is so beautiful i can’t describe it. if i had to decribe it, i would say they are the perfect foils to tanjiro and nezuko. both are siblings with a demon/demon-adjacent sibling but tanjiro protects nezuko in a different way than how sanemi protects genya, cause sanemi genuinely believes genya should have stayed far away from the demon slayer corps so he wouldn’t lose him, using the guise of hate by pushing him away, but tanjiro wants to keep his sister close to him to protect her. it’s very beautiful and i have more to say about them but i have to wake up early in the morning to begin my summer job lol.

i will just end this whole thing with my ask box is open if anyone wants to discuss kny more or just have any questions for me about the show. 

[brninwis]

hi tumblr life update thihg uhh its been a year since ive been on here, and its been a long one.

im currently no longer friends w the people i have been for the past 3ish years. sev and i didnt like this girls bf, and overall weve been having personal issues w the group, and then our confidant decide to snitch to the girl n her bf. apparently they miss us but wtf do you want? the bf or us?

anyways. not much else has happened. im graduating january 25th with a hs diploma equivalent(?) which is very exciting. i failed the entirety of hs just to graduate early. i was a junior with 12 credits and all Fs, skipping school everryday. and now i havent skipped at all.

uhmmm…… my relationship with seven is really good. we get along very well and hes literally the only person i hang out with. we joke abt being friendless and its true…. but at some point we’ll find new ones lol. hs needs to be overr…. uhmmm…. nothing bad w me and sev. weve talked abt my asexuality which was a huge thibg on here, and he accepts it but i feel miserable about it.

if i could choose between being ace and being fucking normal id be normal. its so scary being in a relationship with an allosexual when ur quite literally sex repulsed. like when is he going to get sick of me, when does. it become too much? and he’s a sweetheart, so i know he’d suffer in silence until it gets too much. but is it already too much???

uhmmmm sev has his driver’s license. which is rlly cool!! weve just been driving around.

i did my last show at my hs and sam and i did a speech afterwards. the show was she kills monsters and it was great.

i also did rent at the theater guild this august(?)!!!!

making me think abt my old friends, they claimed they missed us and we dont care abt them anymore, but did u care abt my show? my first ever non high school show and none of my supposed “friends” gave a shit about it. not one single word, or hey thats cool, or ill come see it. yet next chapter they put the fault of our failing relationships on me.

sorry ourr friendship breakup was so messy, i was the villain in the situation even tho there was none.

i havent self harmed in a really long time, i cant even remember the last time!!? before taylor swift which is august. so also before that.

lord i just thought of something i shouldn’t say on here but also wtf? how do i deal with that,, how did i deal with that???????

ive been gaining weight, im almost at my hw….. which is fucking killing me, its a combination of my antipsychotic, birth control, ed, and my boyfriend. its sometimes hard having a bf with the opposite ed you have, and his is more? scary? even though both are. but i care more about his health than mine, and he eats more with me which is good. but also, not good for me. and i can’t restrict bcus then he is too. cat and mouse?

gonna go on a new birth control which goes in my arm.

i cant think of anything else. my life is at a standstill right now, im in between being an adult and a teenager. and its not helping that im graduating early. im just frozen in fear. im excited for thw rest of my life but im also not. uhmmm…

there was supposed to be a major snow storm tonight, but i see no snow. i hope it happens tho bcus i dont want to go to school.