#when i was a kid i would vent on tumblr about everything my mom did to me

[macabrevampire]

where would i be without traumadumping on tumblr.

[celestialsun123]

Okay, tumblr is my ‘safe space’ other than my room, so I’m going to talk and anyone who wants to can listen. Aka all the stuff I’m gonna say will take up a lot of room so take a look under the ‘keep reading’ if you care enough to lol

There are a couple of JIC trigger warnings: mentions of church/religious settings (not talked about in a negative way), doctors, uhh there’s a time where I talk about someone yelling at me?

without further ado, here's my vent for the day.

I stress out so much over liking anything posted by autistic people. I’m so sorry, I have literally nothing against you, I just freak out for no reason cause once I heard someone on YouTube say ‘if you aren’t autistic your opinion is completely invalid here’ and I’ve taken it to heart 🥲

I will go to like a post but then go ‘wait… that explicitly says it’s about autistic people/autism… I can’t! I don’t count!’ (And I am so salty about stuff like that cause I’ve thought to myself ‘well what if I’m agreeing about something that they approve of?’ But it still isn’t enough to justify it to myself.) (again, I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST Y'ALL)

I was considering asking my doctor if I should get evaluated for stuff but I also really don’t want to because what if they just say ‘nope, you’re normal. Why’d you even bother?’ And I KNOW I’m not neurotypical because I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and there is no WAY it’s normal to feel like your entire day has been completely and utterly ruined by someone not telling you clearly that if you didn’t go eat the leftovers of your family that you wanted, it’d be passed on to the others.

Oops, that’s not where that was meant to go, but I’m keeping it.

My original point BEING, I have a feeling I don’t JUST have GAD, I wanna get evaluated for Autism and ADHD, but the imposter syndrome (can I even use that here? I’m not autistic so does that mean it’s… rejection or something?) is too much and I’m gonna wimp out of bringing it up to the doctors. I’m fairly certain I have ADHD tho, cause everything I’ve watched I’ve basically agreed with. (And yeah, the internet isn’t good source material, but there are some good people on there.)

Also I'm so worried that I'm just copying people. Like, I didn't used to stim until AFTER I learned about autism and ADHD, so what's to say that I'm not just copy pasting? And that's not genuine and it's probably also rude.

Oh and on the topic of being too sensitive for my own good, let’s talk about how I deal with people scolding me. (Other than my parents.)

I genuine want to cry any time it happens. I had some pretty bad experiences of that kind of thing (maybe like 3-4 years ago?) and they happen to be some of the only clear memories I have of pandemic times cause everything kinda blurs together from that time. The clearest one and the one that affected (is that the right one?) me the most was when some of the neighborhood kids got in trouble for hurting each other from a tree in my sibling’s best friend’s yard. I was a witness, but I wasn’t paying a ton of attention to the situation. The sibling’s best friend’s mom asked me to tell my version of the story, so I did. I tried my best not to twist anything and to make it clear that I wasn’t sure about anything. Without me noticing (cause my back was turned) one of the kids mom’s (the one who had done the potential hurting) came up behind us and started yelling at me for ‘lying for no reason’ and ‘being rude’ and how ‘her kid would never do anything wrong, so if I wanted to go tell lies for fun she would go and tell my parents.’ Y’know, the kind of thing you tell semi-kids.

So from then on, I tend to have to choke back tears when not my parents scold me.

Another time (this week actually) was when I was scolded for acting my age at church. Now, I’m not a CHILD, so I see where the person was coming from. But I was also having fun with my friends. We were joking around, and one of the old people came up and scolded us. I thought I was fine till I got home and then realized that stimming in any way, even in my room, now felt childish and horrible and like I shouldn’t be doing it. (I’ve gotten over this, I’m back to normal. Ish.)

So yeah. I guess I take things too seriously? And it REALLY frustrates me. Like I can’t just let things go, can I? No, cause that’d be EASY.

Also, don’t you just hate it when you feel the urge to stim (hand flapping specifically in this case) but your muscles/wrist is in pain for no explicable reason?

[itstheghostofmypast]

Hey babes, what's up? How you doing?

I'm... not that great actually. Grades are coming out, and I didn't do as well as I thought, so now my mom is calling me useless *family trauma go whee*. It's just that there is so much pressure to apply to foreign universities, which always involves having perfect grades, thousands of extracurriculars, fourteen start-ups, and a cure for cancer. I'm writing some fanfics right to kinda vent before I go back to studying...

BUT HOW ARE YOU? I MISSED YOU SMMM

Okay, so, I'm going to get straight to the point. It has been years. No, bloody generations and desi people ways are not going to change, so please don't let that get to you. Okay, so this is how it works, the older you get, the more complicated things become. Your personality, cognitive processing abilities and traits tend to lean towards whatever you are naturally good at- a thing most desi people do not understand (I am not hating on South Asian parents but it is a common trait). Though our parents are often like this because we come from deterministic countries where either being born rich or being smart enough to go abroad is considered as sucessful. Both these approaches are bullshit.

All my life I was the model A* kid of the entire family- you know what that got me in return? Cousins who hated me because their parents used me as an example for EVERYTHING and a childhood that is comprised of no hobbies, likes or dislikes, extracurriculars and actual friends. As I grew older, highschool came and even though I reached peak- my grades did not and boom: *Bloody useless* *God knows what happened to you* *You used to be a model student*.

To some extent I began to do everything to please others, since my grades weren't cutting it out for me anymore- hell I would even agree with what my 'friends' would say, only to be liked again. Gurl, I had people - my own friends- bully me for years, only because I thought, hey at least I have friends. My family wanted me to do engineering - yes, one of the three options all desi kids get. I could have, but at the end even though I got okayish grades enough to get me into an enginneeing college- my mental health was fked.

At the end, three brain docs later I was able to convince my parents how trivial these social pressures were- yes, I am grateful they agreed but even now, sometimes the desi vibes come out.

So, don't let your EXTENDED family or anyone else get to you. Hey, I came back on Tumblr bc writing makes me feel better, even if I PROCRASTINATE WITH THE REQUESTS.

Find a college/university that teaches what YOU WANNA DO- MOST UNIVERSITIES DGAF about what you got in subjects that aren't related to your degree, trust me.

Whatever happens, happens for the best, so- and try, just try to talk to your parents about chilling- or at least cooling down a bit- i know its risky but at least you'll know you tried and trust me, parents do think about things u say in the middle of the night. They are supposed to be your strength.

YOU NEED TO ENJOY THE MOMENT, MAKE IT ABOUT YOU, SCREW EVERYONE ELSE. IF YOU THINK YOU COULD'VE DONE BETTER, THEN YOU'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME. BC SELF-REALISATION IS WHAT MATTERS. NOT STUPID ASS PAGAL PEOPLE LIKE BRO IM TELLING YOU PPL JUST EXIST TO PULL YOU DOWN AND YOU- Nah bruh you a whole ass bomb and YOU ARE ONE OF THE BRAVEST PEOPLE I HAVE EVER KNOWN. Do whatever you want- as long as it aint illegal or drugs, dont do that- But

F*** the haters

You deserve your peace of mind, everyone does. And family trauma is a part of you, a part that you will one day be able to supress and laugh at, because you know when you grow you wont be asking a kid named Salman or Ajay what grade he got in 4th grade math, you'll be more concered with if he's happy at school.

Ps: I love you, and missed you too and DONT BE SAD ABOUT STUPID IDIOTS- i messed up my last exam too but hey, as long as you and I are able to become GOOD, CIVIL AND USEFUL CITIZENS WHO CARE ABOUT OTHERS AND THE ENVIRONMENT, WHO CARES? NOBODY SHOULD CARE ABOUT WHAT THAT AUNTY OR UNCLE THINKS. PERIOD.

[philsmeatylegss]

Dude I’m ngl I think implying that “real autism” = violence and putting others at risk is absolutely a weird thing to say

But please correct me if I’ve interpreted what you said wrong!!

I’m going to scream because I wrote such a long ass reply to this that tumblr decided to delete right as I was about to finish it. I’m attempting to rewrite everything I said.

Just as I did with the last anon, I’m starting this with a TLDR because I will probably go on a weird rant that misses the point:

TLDR: There is no such thing as “real autism” and it’s on me for using that kind of phrasing. What I meant when I said real autism is defining autism by every single part of the disorder, not just the cute ones. And you’re right. It’s uncomfortable to think about the fact that many lower function autistic people often have self injurious or violent outbursts or stims because we like to think of autism in the context of the relatable, cute symptoms. Autism is a spectrum and it is always wrong to say all autistic people ____. What I’m trying to get across is that Autism has been watered down to cover up the unsavory symptoms autistic people, mainly lower functioning autistic people, suffer with every single day.

My mom works with teenage and young adult who are severely autistic. One has to wear a diaper because he can’t use the bathroom or alert people in time to help him. She’s struggling with a kid who needs constant supervision from multiple people because all he does is hit his head. It’s not uncommon for genitalia to be exposed and having to put it back in its place. There’s days where my mom has to listen to one of her kids scream the same phrase over and over for hours. Their curriculum? Right now one of their lessons is knowing to put away your pencil when class is finished. One only communicates by typing on an IPad.

It’s not uncommon for these grown individuals to get violent. It’s not uncommon to need three adults to restrain one of her kids in a way that prevents him from hurting himself and the other kids. My mom got time off after she was punched.

That’s uncomfortable. It’s weird. When you think autistic, that’s not what you want to think about. You want to think about cute tiktoks of autistic children happy stimming when meeting their favorite Disney characters. You want to think of them smiling and complimenting their loved ones. You want to think of the quirky things they say. Because that’s what autism has become.

Obviously Autism is a spectrum and this is an example of those on the lower side. But even when we’re shown lower functioning autistic children, we aren’t showed these sides. Because it’s weird. It’s uncomfortable. It’s sad.

No one wants to think about how most of those kids will never live alone. Never have a job, fall in love, and have kids. You don’t want to think of that. But that’s the fucking reality.

That’s what I mean when I used the term “real autism.” I meant defining autism for what it really is rather than the sugar coated reality it’s become for social media views. That’s why we have it trending and people thinking they know better than doctors. They aren’t shown the entire disorder because it’s uncomfortable.

To get back to the original ask, I apologize as that is not at all the message I wanted to send and I can obviously see how you would come to that conclusion. I’m more aiming to vent my frustration with how watered down and sugar coated the disorder has become to now allow it become a completely different thing than it once was. And to silence those who have daily experience their whole life with autistic individuals is shitty.

You’re completely correct anon. It’s really weird to think autism and then associate it with violence. No one wants to think that the image of what autism has been portrayed as is completely wrong. That these infantilized individuals suffer from experiencing upsetting symptoms. So we ignore it. And now we face the consequences of ignoring it.

Once again, thank you for asking. I’m glad I can clarify what I actually meant and it’s still totally okay to disagree with me. This is all my opinion and I appreciate being able to have civil conversations on the internet which is not common.

[northwoodsenid]

I just need to word vomit

So, it has been a while since I have used tumblr as a journal but I am just processing some stuff right now.

For a tiny bit of back story, my eldests dad vanished from his life but I have stayed close to his family. His mom kind of took the mother role figure for me since I haven’t had any relationship with my mom in 15 years.

But ever since I moved back to Utah our relationship has been.. weird. I realized I have changed a lot since I live d in Utah and part of that change is being more assertive and setting boundaries. It got to the point where I could tell she was scared to ask me stuff and instead would go to my husband to ask him (stuff I already had no too for example) this was causing some triangulation so I told her to stop this and she went on the attack and told me I have been so emotional lately I am hard to handle.

This was shocking to me because besides like.. capitalism and money issues.. emotionally I have been the best I have ever been. What she was referring to was me struggling with essentially being homeless for a year (staying with a family friend) and not being able to afford the cost of living in Utah but being terrifed to start over in a new state with the risk of the same thing happening again.

Maybe I had vented to her too much about this, maybe I should have got a therapist in this area sooner for that outlet but yet I felt I was justified in being stressed and really didn’t unload on her much at all and mainly utilized dbt skills to regulate myself and if needed reached out for support.

Anyways, things were iffy and we tried to mend things. She refused to apologize or take accountably and I did not think my boundaries were out of line. Fast forward to Halloween time we are at a pumpkin patch with the kids and she drops on us the family friend is moving and what are our plans to move out.

I listed off everything I had been looking into (I have experience in this due to work) but we made a bit too much to qualify. It was like she didn’t beleive me and kept directing all the questions to my husband. I finally was like, “you can’t just drop out of my life because I am too emotional about my situation and then when you come back don’t believe me when I telling you what I am doing.” She told me she had never said any of that and I stormed off.

I felt hurt and just.. frustrated she refused to take accountability and instead tried to tell me she never said what she said. I have my faults and I own up when I fuck up and need to mend things and apologize but situations with her kept arising where it felt as if she was so used to me being the emotionally fucked up one that she just was twiddling her thumbs waiting for me to apologize. In our relationship she has always made me feel like the bad guy and I am at the point in my healing journey where I don’t feel the need to apologize for something that isn’t my fault.

After this, she called my husbands parents and told them we were emotionally fucked up and offered to drive to our place with them to see if we need to get serious help. Which, once again this is so over the line. And such a breach of trust and everything?? And when I said hey that was over the line what in the hell she said she hears us that we don’t want her support. No accountability. No apology and she probably never will.

I am just hurt, and also it is making me spiral a bit because what in the hell is wrong with me that every parental figure in my life treats me like this. I keep doing the work and digging into all my faults but I still don’t see reason for how people view me. I don’t know if the signs had been there and I was so desperate for a mother figure I ignored them, or I don’t know if she is dealing with her own shit and has always been able to control and steam roll me.

I have been processing this a lot in therapy, and I know it is just going to stay like it is because she won’t acknowledge she overstepped.

Anyways, I just needed to let some of this out. The grief comes and goes in waves. And then I hear more details of some of the stuff she was saying about me to my husbands parents and I just think��� she hates me. And I wonder how long she has hated me but was too scared to talk to me.

[auto-anne]

Content warning on just, yeah its just me cutting my guts out and putting them on display for just maybe somebody to read, it’s gonna be long though as i want to just be understood. but I finally am at peace now tonight.

Nobody likes an traumatized autistic kid with parents who split up and had some nice emotional neglect to match, so I learned to what I now know as masking, I did everything I could to be quick witted and funny, not sure I achieved that but I made friends. They only liked me when I was funny however, if I ever acted like myself they always left, that was for sure. If I was not being funny I was trying to be the smartest well behaved kid in class despite the breaks that happened. friends left constantly and I only had myself to blame to be honest, sometimes I was an asshole and I think I still am based off how certain social interactions go. But i was not that sad, I expected it, sometimes it was me who stopped hanging out with them. I could tell it was gonna end soon anyways.

In middle school, despite it being nicknamed ghetto-lawn, I got into the gifted program and I found people like me, traumatized kids who are “so mature for your age!” Like what a nice way to say the childhood wonder has left a person so early. But, it was nice, never told anybody anything though and still masked but they didnt leave when it broke occasionally, it was a nice change of pace. We all wanted to end our lives but at least we had each other, the forever united cool kids, Aka FUCK.

Then quarantine hit, i never got their phone numbers as we all were weird about phones with our parents and to be fair I dont think I meant much to them but either way I lost them. I was not good for the next two years, blamed myself a bit. But I wanted to see people hurt, I became a bigoted for a bit online in dark RP’s, I just wanted people to feel rejection. I snapped out of it after making friends with a few furries and just fixing myself on that. still hate myself for that year.

Nothing much happened for a year besides losing like 70% of my sanity cursing out internet friends and calling them liars and leaving every friend I came across before they could disappear, doing it on my terms.

It was a bad day and I was talking with a person I met in a backrooms discord server and I just spilled my guts out about my stepdad and acted more like myself for once just to see if they would leave if I acted like that, plus it didnt hurt to finally vent about it all.

she didnt leave of reject me however, she didnt approach it with crazy kindness like others would have, I don’t like when people are super kind to me, especially out of pity, they usually want something.

we became internet friends, it was nice I had my bouts of mood swings and mental breaks but with the help of another friend I made I stayed. Lets call her D.

D helped me realize somethings and I came out as nonbinary, not even nonbinary as thats defined still, I hate being defined, but I like being understood. And she got me, more than others. She was like my older clone (just a year and a half), and it was the nicest time of my life, being understood, at least a little bit, and not being rejected. We had our pointless arguements of course, but those were for fun.

I joined tumblr, got back into art, i was a micro-celebrity of a small fandom I guess, I made friends I got better mentally despite my uncles death, thats a whole can of worms on its own but yeah.

i made friends, I was masking generally but I made friends, for some reason people thought I was cool. ME, being cool? I became the cooler anon, it was amazing, I made art for characters I liked, a artist I looked up to said they were proud of me. I cried badly when everybody realized I did art. I was even in a silly mutuals hunger games thing, people thought I was colorblind for BULLSHIT reasons. I was happy I think.

then my moms anemia got really bad, we thought it was leukemia, my mom did use to smoke so cancer was not a crazy idea, she gave me a pocket watch which I found weird but it said she will always love me on it, my parents have gotten better over the years but having a person you look up to yell at you while your bleeding cant be taken away. I love them still, I’m proud of them. But i thought she was gonna die. I started trying to surround myself with as much talk and banter as possible, just couldn't stand it, the moments before the wind.

I was being a clown again because I hoped to make somebody laugh because thats the only way I feel better. Everybody was disagreeing with me over a pointless argument and so I said I was modern day jesus, D pointed out he was not white so I corrected myself and said “I’m modern day white jesus christ.”, for the bit. But then one of my friends said “SHUT UP CRACKER.”.

I just kinda fazed out mentally then, id been called that before and everybody was going along with it, I was not expecting it and I hadnt been called that in years, with everything going on I just left, deleted my tumblr, left all my friends and left D.

I loved D, platonically at least. She got me, she was the best friend I ever made in life and I left. I dont know if she cared but I dont think she did which is for the best. I spiraled right back down to where I was at the start of 2022 again. Friends tried to contact me but there is no going back.

it was bad for a few months, contacted D again for a brief bit but i left because I felt for certain there was no healing that.

I made a new tumblr, reconnected with a og tumblr moot who I barely spoke with and that leads to here.

tonight I think I helped somebody but am unsure. I left another discord, and just saw this post and sat watching out at this:

There was cars passing by and the most beautiful song playing, it was in polish and there was no name to the song and I just sat and you know what.

I’m fine with how things are now, no changing the past, they are all gone now, I will always care for D and remember her, she changed me. I will never forget my time being happy for once in this fucking black comedy I call my life. It was worth not jumping out that window, I got to, for like half a year, be happy. I had somebody who got me. I had friends, I had somebody who understood me a lot more than anybody else has. I finally felt solace with what has happened to me in that fucking moment, listening to a nice song I dont understand the lyrics to watching cars go by in the middle of the night where I live.

I was delt a mediocre hand in life and thats that, I will always care and I will never forget, if I could spent a hundred years arguing with D over ketchup and normal potato chips again, I think I would. But thats not happening now and I think im finally fine with that. Always just keep moving forward.

people die randomly without closure, I dont think I’ll ever get closure, but at least I have found some solace with this shitty world filled with so many wonderful people.

why don't you look out a stranger's window and a glimpse of a life completely different and very like yours and remember we're all interconnected. and maybe you'll calm down.

[myownprivatcidaho]

idk man like. there's just something wild about going your whole life seeing yourself a certain way and acting a certain way and always feeling like something was off but it didn't matter because That's Who You Are and that's how things will be ,, only to realize you're not the person you thought you were. like hardly even close. if at all

[whenfatecollides]

a bit of a vent/update (it’s heavy). I’ve always dreaded the ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ question because I honestly have never been able to picture anything for myself that felt real and tangible and something that I could actually want and achieve in the future. I would be like ‘yeah I want to be dating my future girlfriend by then’ or ‘yeah I want to be working a job that I actually like’ or ‘yeah I want to feel like I’m doing something meaningful with my life by then’ but it was all very superficial in a way, it felt like I was saying rehearsed words and although those are still things that I want, there’s a lot more detail to them now. tbh since I finished high school (almost 10 years ago at this point..) that I’ve felt really behind in life compared to my friends, and other people in general, but at the same time it took me 14/15 years to actually figure out what happened to me when I was a pre-teen and why I spent 10+ years of my life crippled by depression, so all things considered I think I came out of all that pretty okay. I started therapy about 5 years ago and altho it was a slow progress, I can at least say that I’m not on the verge of feeling suicidal anymore. I think being a teen on tumblr in 2010-2013 definitely didn’t help much with that either, the romanticisation of depression and self harm back then was Real and the last thing I should have been exposed to at the time. it was to the point that I actually tried to kill myself when I was 16, right before a family trip. I can talk about this now, but I can tell you all as well, this was a root of deep shame for me until 2020, when I finally had the courage to tell my mom and siblings about it, because it made me feel so ungrateful, stupid and generally a shit person for not appreciating everything good that I had, while at the same time it made me hate myself for not actually going through it fully, to the point that I always thought that I would take this to my grave without letting anyone know. at this point, I’ve forgiven myself for it and acknowledged that, despite how hurtful it was, this is a common pain and, unfortunately, many people know it too. No matter how much I convinced myself of it back then, I was never alone in that pain. At the same time I made really great friends here (some I’ve been friends with for over 10 years now), even met some of them in real life, and it was overall the place that made me feel comfortable enough to consider (and accept) that maybe I wasn’t straight. so not everything was bad.

it was a few weeks into 2022 when I finally figured out what had happened to me, why most of who I was so deeply lost in shame, to the point that it felt like I had been drowning most of my life. there were several things that contributed to it like, giving up who I was out of pressure to please my family (until I was around 23 - constantly hearing ‘you should let your hair grow’, ‘you should dress more like a girl’ etc etc when you’re a 10 year old really does a number), giving up the things I loved in order to pass as “normal”, my father not being emotionally available (or simply available in general tbh - unfortunately too common as well), my mom having to take care of 4 kids and therefore not really being emotionally available either, dealing with womanhood, puberty and all those nice, not at all confusing and hard, things by myself because I thought that if I could just ignore it it would not be real (a nice not at all dumb trait I got from my father - thankfully I’m over that), consequently emotionally abandoning my closest friends bc of all that further isolating myself. and I could go on and on, but the reason why I’m saying all this is that maybe it can spark a light in someone else too. Until this year, I thought that nothing had happened to me, that I had no reason to feel the way I did back then, and it was suffocating to think that while the pain I felt was very real. and you may ask ‘okay, where does shame come into the picture here?’ so here’s a few that I could identify from the things I said above - shame for my sexuality (giving up things I loved to pass as “normal”), shame for being gender non conforming (pressure to please my family), shame for not feeling connected with my parents (having friends who do have good relationships with theirs), shame for not having the life they expect of me, shame for not having the life I think I’m supposed to have to “impress” my friends, therefore hiding away, isolating myself, further convincing myself that no one else was going through the same. until I realised that, of course, I would never find other people talking about how they felt the same, because we were all hiding away.

this isn’t a story about how suddenly I’m cured from depression or anything like that, there’s still days and days, but figuring out why I felt the way I did back then was a major step towards finding healing, and I feel like I’ve been changing very rapidly over the past 5 months because of it. recognizing that my self-criticism was doing more harm than good (I wouldn’t talk to my friends the same way I talk to myself sometimes..), that I can choose self-compassion instead, and the good-old exercising, journaling, reading, eating and sleeping well, really made major differences (as well as keep going to therapy of course, it was important to have someone trained to talk about the really heavy and more complicated stuff).

in the end, this has been a journey towards (re)finding myself, and I finally have an answer to the question that I found so dreadful ‘where do you see yourself in 5 years?’. and for the first time in my life, I’m not afraid to try, I’m not afraid to fail, I’m not afraid of the set backs I may face. for the first time in my life, I can actually picture a future for myself, and I’m actually excited to see myself getting there. I don’t have it all figured out, but I do know that I’m persistent. in the end, I think this is also a bit of a letter to everyone who’s lost in life, I’m currently 27 and I’m now figuring out a path that I might actually enjoy to take and that makes sense to me. If you’re like me, you probably also feel like you’ve run out of time and that there’s no way you can still turn your life around, but to be honest, who really knows how much time we have left? You make a little bit of time now, and deal with tomorrow, 3 months, 5 years from now, when it comes. I have no idea what turns life will still take and where I’ll end up after all, but I do know that recognizing my pain, owning up to the shameful feelings I had (and still have), accepting my feelings and thoughts as they are (failing a lot and trying again), definitely took me from a drowning person to a vivid swimmer. I’ve always liked to share my thoughts here, but recently having the number of followers increase on this blog has made it feel quite... intimidating to share pieces of my life like before. still, this was something I felt was important for me to share, even if just to say, feeling lost and behind in life is a normal part of the human experience.

[tenaflyviper]

Sorry to vent a little, but I need to get it out of my system.

So...paranoid parents have been claiming that "Disney is trying to groom our kids to be gay!" by wanting to show more LGBT characters. This is a thing that's happening.

They're 100% suggesting that having to see the existence of marginalized people is somehow "grooming" their children.

People EXISTING isn't "grooming", and being LGBT isn't a choice. Do they really think anyone would choose to be treated like pariahs and subjected to everything from slurs to violent assault? Do they think trans people choose to have to undergo expensive surgery just to feel comfortable in their own body?

Do they think previous decades "groomed" anyone to be LGBT? Is that where we came from? Where did 80's gays come from? I never heard a damn thing about LGBT issues as a child, nor do I think Gen X or any other millennials did. So where did we come from, then?

And let's talk about "grooming".

Only 6% of the population is LGBT, making the majority of pedophiles straight. Across the U.S., U.K., and Australia, parents are statistically the most frequent perpetrators of CSA.

Some of y'all may have learned from vigilante blogs or Youtubers that there are even twisted parents that try to trade CP of their own kids online (it happened on Twitter, and even here on tumblr). The sick fact is, they produce a wealth of it.

But soccer moms don't want to hear that the threat comes from within their own community, so LGBT folks are a convenient scapegoat. By associating them with some form of child abuse, bigots can justify their bigotry while insisting what a "good person" they are for trying to protect "the children".

Nowadays, these pearl clutchers can find each other online to receive validation for being morally trapped in the 1950's, which emboldens them. They are no longer the least bit hesitant about exposing their hatred.

Of course, when they receive backlash from individuals or media platforms for breaking their ToS regarding hate speech or threatening violence, they cry that they're being "censored".

I continue to lose faith in humanity.

[absurdthirst]

I need to vent and since it seems like you've become like... Tumblr mom to so many, I feel safe venting here

I'd vent to people in my real life if I didn't think they were tired of hearing about it, but my grieving process has not been easy in the slightest so I'm sure they're all over hearing about it by now.

I lost my childhood pet on January 7th of this year. She was my baby, she grew up with me, and I like to think she purposefully held on just long enough to see me turn 21. She was a cat, I know that a lot of people think it's dramatic or weird that I was so attached to her, but I've lived with chronic illnesses my entire life and mental illness on top of it and she was always there. Every single day for 18 years. My mom has pictures of her sleeping in my bed when I was a little kid because she would sneak in during naptime to be with me, and for a solid ten years she slept in my bed with me every single night.

The realization that it's my first holiday season without her, at least as far back as I can remember, hurts my heart and I'm realizing I never fully processed how traumatic her death was. I went to therapy the day she died and while she was frail and declining and I knew that, I didn't expect to come home from therapy and realize she'd lost mobility in her back legs.

I still feel such intense guilt even though she was 18 years old and we gave her the happiest life we could. I feel like if I'd caught it all sooner she would still be here, even though she threw a clot and the vet told me she was just old and it happens. I remember being so fucking desperate that I asked if they could just take off the leg where the clot had gotten lodged, but they told me they couldn't. She wouldn't be able to handle being put under, and I had to be the one to make the call to let her go. While rationally I know it was the right call and she wouldn't have gotten better, that 'but what if' feeling has never gone away. I just feel so shitty, I miss my girl and I needed to let it out.

On a happier note, I found my little boy Finn in April of this year and he reminds me of my girl in so many ways. He's helped heal that really painful part of me that still misses Jasmine, but lately it's been tougher than usual.

Thank you for leaving your inbox open to all of us and our emotional vomiting, it really is helpful

I am so sorry hun. I know that it's so very hard when you lose a pet. They are so much more than pets, they are a integral part of your family. They prove love and comfort, all so innocent and accepting of you.

You did everything you could and while I know that it's a cold comfort, you kept your girl from suffering.

My mother's dachshund was nearly 22 years old when she was put down. Molly had been with us since I was in school, she slept on my pregnant belly with my son. The day she crossed over the rainbow bridge, my mother and I sat on the phone and cried. She was deaf and blind, but my mother couldn't let her suffer.

You will still miss her for a very long time. I have a dog, Lady, that I still miss and she passed when I was 16. I am sending you a hug honey!!!

[theshopislocal]

So I joined tumblr in December after seething about 15.20 for a little while. Before that I’d been an AO3 lurker and occasional writer in several fandoms, and before that I was (proudly!) kicked off of LJ for my disgusting and offensive PG-13 Harry/Draco drabbles that apparently squicked (a term I’ve recently learned no one uses any more :/) the random Christians who were inexplicably trolling LJ.

I knew very little about the spn fandom - specifically their demographics - when I first came here. I’d sort of been enjoying the show (usually? Eh, like 70/30) in my own little bubble - the same with fanfic and fanart.

To be frank, I was startled to discover the sheer number of younger folks and LGBT+ who are fans. Of course, reading all of your discourse and meta and musings, it makes perfect sense that spn and its characters would speak to young members of the LGBT+ community; I’d just been a little too ‘in my own head’ to put that together.

I’m a cisgender woman, and I’m generally fine with being called straight, though it’s not 100% accurate (what ever is, really?). That said, I wasn’t sexually or romantically attracted to anyone until I was in my early twenties, and my interests didn’t really align with those of other girls when I was in school. So, around seventh or eighth grade when most of the other girls started to go a little boy crazy, a few of them (my friends, actually) decided I was a lesbian. Their 12-year-old, early 2000s reasoning was “well, if you don’t like boys, and you keep your hair short, you’re probably a lesbian.” And I sort of just said “yeah, okay.”

So, when I was around 13 or so (and a newly minted “lesbian”), I started to get interested in media with gay themes. I started with shows like Queer As Folk and The L Word, and oddly enough, even though I didn’t relate to the romantic or sexual stuff because I didn’t feel things like that at the time, I did relate to the characters’ struggles. Feeling like no one knows you, like people can’t accept you, want to change you, feeling alone and different and outcast. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t very pretty, maybe because I was one of the only black girls in my grade, maybe because I was an only child and a latchkey kid; whatever the reason, these gay characters spoke to me. I felt like I knew them, and they knew me.

In true millennial style, I blew through pretty much all the gay stuff my mom would let me watch (she actually got suuuuper into The L Word, we watched like seven episodes in a row on Christmas Eve once), and then started scouring the internet for more content. That’s when I came across sites like Ink-Stained Fingers (a Harry Potter slash archive that might still exist? Idk) and Library of Moria (same thing but for LotR). And suddenly - anyone could be gay! And even though I wasn’t actually a lesbian (though at the time I was rather convinced I was), it still felt fantastic that I could actually relate to these characters, some of whom I’d only vaguely liked in reading their original canons.

I very quickly became a fanfic connoisseur - and it even went beyond slash pairings or any pairings at all. I just liked seeing characters in a new light. I liked seeing people and relationship dynamics that were different, taboo, subversive - because it made me feel better about being me.

I went off to college. Screwed around with some boys, some girls, some people who didn’t call themselves either. Became pretty sure I wasn’t a lesbian, but still didn’t really know what I was; this was over ten years ago, and all the various terminology was still pretty new. Eventually, I met a boy who made me smile and turned me on - both of which were entirely new and singular experiences for me - and I married him.

Cut to: my husband and I watching 15.20, and both of us - cisgender and predominately straight - looking at each other like “wtf is this bro-y bullshit?”

So I thought “fuck this, I need to vent,” hopped on tumblr, and - low and behold - here you all are! It took me a minute to wrap my head around it, to get past the initial excitement of just look at all the people the different people the real people the people who are so very unapologetically themselves!

I don’t think any of you could possibly know how happy I was (am) to see you all, how very beautiful it is that you’re all here.

Anyway. To all the LGBT+ shippers reading this, I just want you to know (re: the deancas wedding, but also just... everything): if even my dumb, straight, weird, who-even-am-I ass can see it, it’s real. You’re not crazy, you’re not delusional, your opinions are not invalid. You’re not just “projecting,” and even if you were, there’s no damn law that says only straight people get to project. Please don’t let shitty people (who are literally too stupid to even capitalize on your interest for their own gain) ruin anything for you.

To any straight shippers: if you’re anything like me, you’re not fetishizing or objectifying gay relationships - you’re relating to characters that you adore in the best way you know how. You’re celebrating the qualities in people that make the world diverse and colorful and beautiful.

To any young shippers: it gets better. You’ll get out. You’ll find better answers. You’ll learn better questions. You’ll figure it all out, or (slightly more likely) you’ll figure out that not everything needs to be figured out. People do hear you, and people do care about you and what you have to say. Your voice matters.

To everyone: there’s nothing wrong with you. And I’m so damn sorry that anyone has ever made you believe that there is. Honestly. I’m sorry.

[chat-noir-always-here]

I Rewatch Miraculous—Timebreaker

Three long posts and one Miraculous edit later i return to making posts like these as a way to vent my carefully contained depression, the result of drawn out isolation caused by two of my roommates getting positive Covid-19 test results.

Oh yes, and this post includes screenshots from the eng sub/french dub episodes, subbed and translated by the good people at Miraculous subs on tumblr.

Anyway, GO!

The number of times i mistake this episode for Timetagger due to their names alone. Also both of the episodes focused on Alix’s watch and its importance involve some form of time travel. 

Marinette’s parents are celebrating their twentieth anniversary during their only child’s thirteenth year. Meaning they waited seven years to have a baby after getting married. That's quite a wait—were they busy getting their bakery set up?

Still mad the “Alix’s dad is hawk moth and Gabriel is just a red herring” theory was canonically debunked. It’s just so OBVIOUS that hawk moth is Gabriel you figure it out on the first episode. That’s like if Snape really were the one after the sorcerers/philosophers stone.

Don't knock family heirlooms, Alix! At least a pocket watch is somewhat practical even in our modern age. My family heirloom is a hideous glass pig cookie jar. Its in actual pieces and my mom wont let me throw it out because its a “family heirloom.” You mean to tell me i have to pass this hideous thing down to my kids? Nah. Im not doing that. My big brother is the eldest he cant take care of it 😏😏😏

So do you want to deliver the banner because you promised your friends? Or because you want to see Adrien Either way it’s not a good idea to leave your house when your parents are placing their trust in you to help them with a job. 

 Yeaaaaaaah.... i hate to disagree Adrien, but that banner really isn't that impressive.

 Really Mari’s designs aren't that great in my opinion. Of everything she’s made i really only like the feather hat

 the dress from the Miraculous Awakening spoilers

 and her parents’ bakery logo.

Oh and her little handbag. She mentioned in one of the webisodes she made it herself.

What exactly has kim made you kiddos do?

“Gotta be careful! Even if you are amazing. At holding things! In your hands!” Marinette, there are some comments that should be placed on the back burner for now and saved for your wedding night. Once again the english dub has made it possible for me to crack yet another suggestive joke. For the record, in the French version she just says he’s “--ly reliable! Amazingly reliable!”

“Adrikins!!! Watcha got there? Some super old case or something?” Im sorry, Chloe, but are you implying you dont know where Adrien got that when you literally watched Alix give that to Alya?

Adrien’s disgusted face when Chloe insults Alix. I love this boy.

Didn’t Marinette state during Queen Wasp that a Miraculous is practically indestructible to the point that Chat Noir had to break Chloe’s with his cataclysm? And yet Alix just broke it by... skating over it. 

Then it was broken a second time by someone... dropping it...

 im gonna go out on a limb here and say they just randomly decided to make Alix’s watch a miraculous later on for the sake of having a couple more time travel episodes.

And Nadja is early. Of course she is! THAT WAS ALWAYS A POSSIBILITY MARINETTE!

Adrien being a good boy and telling everyone to run🥰🥰🥰

Rose did you not just see Timebreaker freeze Kim? Don’t grab her hand.

Timebreaker’s superpower is to convert human life force into minutes, and how many minutes she has is how many she gets to go back in time. There's also a gauge on her skates so the amount of time she can go back is preordained. A regular human life doesn’t earn her much but she sucks up a whole six minutes from Chat Noir, who is empowered with one of the strongest Miraculous in existence.Timebreaker’s power is actually kind of cool. Too bad she literally looks like a fly and that just kinda grosses me out.

This moment here 

He went from “Oh shit!!!” to “Yeah I’m feeeeeline~” in like 0.2 seconds pffft

The minute I started falling HARD for the love square. 

Chat Noir right after Timebreaker pulls her hand away

      And how he appears literally thirty milliseconds later

      Which is why she puts her arms around him. 

      Because she can feel how fast he’s fading.

Timebreaker: openly mocks CN’s death.

Cue the Kill Bill music

Meanwhile in LB’s head:

Me too! I WANT TO END HAWKMOTH TOO.

Timebreaker: tries to touch Chat Noir, who just died for Ladybug—not for the last time

LB: 

“Who are you?!” Mari you know how fucking screwed you be if that were not Future You but another akuma victim??? Like they could easily take you out and then where would we be?

“How do i get myself into these crazy situations?” You are a superhero at war with a psychopath. That’s how.

“Two ladybugs? I’m in Heaven!” Ahem what exactly goes on in this fictional heaven of yours, kitty??? (he’s a fourteen year old boy and he’s not half as innocent as everyone believes him to be. Why am i even asking?)

This isn’t Full House. There's no need to include an IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON at the end of every episode

What is it about this scene that is so unsettling? It’s like... they’re trying to imply Tom knows Mari is ladybug or something even though that’s clearly not true at this point.

And there you have it! One of ny fave episodes from s1 and its mostly time travel hijinks—something i developed a strong hatred of in Kingdom Hearts has been somewhat redeemed in Miraculous. Who woulda thought it?

[authenticcadence18]

Can’t Help Falling in Love Ch. 7

HI GUYS!!!!! Sorry about the wait....it has been a busy two weeks😅

I hope you enjoy this chapter!

First Chapter

Previous Chapter

AO3

(also, the formatting of a part of this chapter works better on AO3...I did the best I could to translate it to Tumblr but...yeah. lol.) 

...

Take my whole life too…

...

The tears began falling as soon as Isabella was out of the Flynn-Fletcher house. They blurred her vision as she crossed the street, but she didn’t bother to wipe them away. After so many years of visiting Phineas every day, she could’ve walked this route with her eyes closed if she had to.

“Just keep walking, Isabella, just keep walking. ”

She just needed to get home. Home meant safety. Home meant comfort and security.

She used to feel that way about the house she was fleeing now.

Funny how time changed things.

Isabella made it to the porch. She fumbled around in her purse for a bit, trying to find the key by touch alone because she could barely see anything at this point.

“Just have to make it inside, just have to make it inside… .”

She found the key.

“Almost there, almost there.”

Isabella opened the door with shaky hands and quietly shut it behind her.

As the door shifted into place and the lock clicked, the flight-or-fight response that had been fueling her adrenaline for the past few minutes fizzled away, leaving only a weariness that felt uncomfortably familiar and yet heavier than anything she’d ever had to bear before.

When Isabella made it to her room, she grabbed a pillow from her bed, hugged it to her chest, and sat on the floor in a daze. After a few seconds of staring numbly at the ground, her lip quivered, and the dam in her heart finally crumbled as she started to sob.

For the next few minutes, Isabella clung to the pillow like a lifeline, mourning the loss of the easy friendship she’d rekindled with Phineas over the past couple of weeks and wishing more than anything that she could go back to this morning, to the smiles and laughter and way things used to be.

...how could she have tried to kiss him?

How could she have been so reckless? So careless??

“....it just felt so real…..” she whispered, as if to assure herself this mess wasn’t entirely her fault.

(Even though it totally was.)

None of it—the tentative flirting, the soft, adoring looks Phineas had given her, the way her hands had felt entwined with his—had seemed like a daydream. It hadn’t felt like a typical trip to Phineasland, where things were always just slightly off, just slightly too good to be true.

It really HAD seemed real.

And, perhaps parts of it had been real. Maybe they’d actually been holding hands—it wouldn’t have been the first time they did so while singing.

But Isabella couldn’t get Phineas’s reaction to their almost-kiss out of her head.

He’d looked completely, totally, utterly freaked out.

This meant he hadn’t wanted to kiss her.

It also meant she’d likely imagined most—if not all—of the little ways he’d appeared to reciprocate her feelings throughout the day.

...and it meant he almost certainly knew how she felt about him now...and wasn’t particularly thrilled about it.

This was just...the worst.

Isabella had worked so hard to get over Phineas for the sake of their friendship…and ultimately to the detriment of their friendship...for years. And then, within a couple of weeks, she’d dared to open her heart again, to open herself up to freely loving him again without expectations of being loved back, to contemplate the possibility of taking small steps towards a relationship with him when it seemed he might just like her too.

But she’d gone too far without even meaning to. And she’d blown it. Phineas didn’t love her. And now he probably didn’t even want to be her friend.

“Isabella...stop it.”

She was talking to herself now, trying to speak some sense into her brain.

“Phineas is still my friend…�� she articulated. “...maybe things are going to be super awkward between us now but...he’s the nicest person ever. He would never stop being my friend…right?”

It was easy to speak these words aloud, to acknowledge that they were logical...but harder to see through the anxiety plaguing her in order to actually believe them.

And it was even harder to imagine her friendship with Phineas ever returning back to normal.

Because the desire. The aching, burning, desperate desire for Phineas to love her...to tell him she loved him so, SO much. The desire she’d vowed to get over years ago, that had been simmering on the backburner ever since she opened her heart back up to Phineas...it was boiling over now. After coming so close to kissing him, to finally revealing her feelings to him (for better or worse)...she couldn’t ignore it any longer.  

A part of her wanted to avoid the house across the street for forever and never face Phineas again, sure...but another part yearned to race back across the street and just tell him she was madly in love with him once and for all. Rip the bandaid off, you know?

Things couldn’t get much worse at this point, right? He probably already had a pretty good idea how she felt so she might as well just lay it all out on the table.

Yeah. Tell Phineas she loved him more than anything in the world and completely destroy what little semblance they had left of a friendship after whatever had happened in the recording studio.

…...that was a terrible idea.

But what was Isabella supposed to do now? How was she supposed to sit next to Phineas in class on Monday? And...oh gosh...they had to sing their song together AGAIN. FOR THE ENTIRE CLASS.

hOW was she supposed to get through that???

With a sigh, Isabella grasped for her phone and hesitantly opened up the “Fireside Girl Alum” group chat. She didn’t necessarily feel like roping the girls into this...frankly, she didn’t think they’d be able to understand how she was feeling right now...but she wasn’t sure what else to do. Maybe they could help her come up with some sort of scheme to get out of the performance...it would be like they were kids all over again.

(Deep down, Isabella had no desire to return to the schemes and manipulated situations of her childhood….but what other choice did she have?)

Before she even started to type, though, a new message popped up on her phone.

It was from Ferb.

“Are you okay?”

A small smile appeared on Isabella’s face.

Ferb had never minded listening to her vent about Phineas when they were kids, and she appreciated his willingness to be there for her now. Her fingers hovered over the keypad to admit she was in fact not okay at all...but then she hesitated.

Because whenever Ferb was, Phineas was probably close by.

“is it safe to text you?” she asked.

Ferb’s reply came fast.

“Don’t worry, Phineas can’t see my phone. And I’ll delete these messages once we’re done: this will stay between us. I just want to make sure you’re alright. What happened?”

To an outsider, this exchange might have appeared strange...or even foolish. Was it really smart of Isabella to ramble about Phineas and her feelings for him to his brother? Wasn’t that sort of weird?

But Ferb and Isabella had been friends for a long time, and Isabella trusted him completely. She knew he’d never tell Phineas whatever she had to say...and she supposed he might be able to help her out too.

“I almost kissed Phineas…” she admitted. “I don’t even know how it happened, one minute we were singing and having fun...and the next I realized I was about to kiss him and pulled away because I didn’t want to freak him out. But I think I freaked him out anyway….I hope he’s alright.”

Ferb’s reply appeared a few seconds later.

“So you still love Phineas, right?”

Isabella couldn’t help but chuckle dryly at that.

Did she ever.

“Yeah...I tried to get over him but...it didn’t really work out…lol. I actually sort of thought he might like me back and was going to ask him out when we finished recording our song but...I don’t think that’s going to happen....now I’m afraid I imagined everything and that he doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

She added on to that last message after sending it.  

“I know that sounds silly, Phineas is the friendliest person ever but...he looked so horrified after I tried to kiss him. I’m just scared I ruined everything.”

It took Ferb a bit longer to reply this time.

“Isabella, I can’t speak for Phineas, but if I know him, I know he’d never want to stop being your friend, no matter what. He cares about all his friends, and I know he must care an awful lot about you because you two are best friends.”

Isabella’s heart swelled at that.

Though she’d told herself something similar only minutes ago, the words rang far truer coming from Ferb than they sounded in her own voice.

“Thanks Ferb. That means a lot coming from you :)”

Another text from Ferb came through after a minute or so.

“Is there someone you can talk to about all this?”

Isabella considered the Fireside Girl group chat...and then sighed.

If she messaged them, they’d probably just send assurances of, “Oh, Isabella, of course Phineas likes you! How could he not?” This might make her feel better for a moment...but not for long.

Their words would not be based in truth...they’d only be telling her what she wanted to hear. And that wasn’t what she needed right now.

“No, not really...I don’t think the Fireside Girls would understand, and my mom is at work. But thanks. Just texting you has made me feel a bit better.”

Ferb didn’t text her back after that. Which was just as well...she supposed he was talking with Phineas. (Or listening to Phineas talk, anyway.)

….she really wished she could ask how he was doing.

But Ferb wouldn’t betray her trust to Phineas, so she couldn’t ask him to betray Phineas’s trust to her.

Imagining Phineas made Isabella’s heart ache all over again.

…..why did love have to hurt so much?

...

Hey. Are you busy?

no I’m free for a bit. what’s up?

Can you call Isabella for me?

I think she needs someone to talk to right now.

sure, but why me? wouldn’t she rather talk to you or Phineas?

wait this has something to do with Phineas doesn’t it

Yup.

oh boy. what happened?

Apparently they almost kissed. And then got freaked out.

I’m with Phineas right now but Isabella is by herself.

And if Phineas is any indication, she’s probably not in good shape.

oh yikes I’ll call her now

anything in particular you want me to say?

Just remind her how much Phineas cares about her.

That’s what I’m trying to do with Phineas right now.

But you can’t tell Isabella he’s in love with her.

They have to do that part on their own.

got if.

I mean got it.

give Phineas a hug for me

Thanks, and I will...he certainly needs it.

Love you

love you too bro :)

someday when they get married we’ll remember this and smile

...I hope you’re right.

...

Isabella startled when her phone started to vibrate...and her eyes widened when she realized who the caller was.

She picked up the phone and accepted the call.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Isabella!!” the voice on the other end sang back. “It’s been a long time, huh? How are you?”

“Hey, Candace...uh….” Isabella rubbed her neck. “I...I’ve been better, actually…..”

Candace remained silent for a moment.

“...in retrospect, ‘how are you?’ probably wasn’t the best question to ask to kickstart this conversation...Ferb told me a bit about what happened between you and Phineas and asked me to call and check on you. Do you want to talk about it?”

A lump formed in Isabella’s throat, and she blinked away a few tears as a wave of gratitude rushed over her.

If anyone could help her talk through any anxiety concerning her relationship with Phineas, it was Candace. She’d dealt with her own share of self-induced romantic turmoil over the years, and she knew Phineas far better than any of the Fireside Girls did.

Ferb must have known that.

...the two of them were the best.

“Oh no, are you crying?” Candace asked. “Please don’t cry, it’s gonna be okay.”

“I’m fine!” Isabella insisted. “Well, I’m not fine...but...yeah. I want to talk about it. Thank you.”

“Ok good!” Candace replied. “But, first thing’s first, it’s past one o’clock. Have you eaten lunch yet? Because if not, go eat something right now. Even if it’s just a tub of ice cream. It’ll help.”

Isabella smiled and slowly rose from the floor with a sniffle. “Ok, I’m going.”

...

“.....so do you want to talk about it now?”

Phineas shook his head. The last time he’d talked about it, about Isabella and the recording studio, it had only made it feel more real. Maybe if he just didn’t talk about it anymore, his current predicament wouldn’t seem as bad as it actually was.

“...Phineas. Come on.”

No. Phineas didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t even want to think about it.

Not how horrified Isabella had looked when she pulled away from him, not the way she’d practically flown out of the recording studio afterward, not the way he’d dared to hope she might like him too……

…..aaand now he was thinking about it.

Curse the complex workings of the human brain.

Phineas felt the bed shift beneath him as Ferb sat at his side.

“PHINEAS. Look at me. Let’s talk about this.”

Phineas stiffly lifted his head from his hands, wiping a few tears away from his face as he did so.

“WHAT, Ferb??” he exclaimed, an unfamiliar sharpness permeating his tone. “What do you want me to say? I thought Isabella liked me back, I was wrong! I got caught up in the moment and tried to kiss her and she didn’t want to kiss me and ran away!! And now I’ve probably ruined our friendship forever!! Which is just! The worst!! Because we were finally hanging out again and spending time together and I spent all of high school wanting to get that back, and when I finally got it back I MESSED IT UP. And now I’m afraid I’ll never even be able to look at Isabella again, much less sing with her at school this week. Is that what you wanted to hear? Are you happy now??”

Ferb offered his brother a small smile and patted him on the shoulder.

“Of course I’m not happy, Phineas. But that IS what I wanted to hear, so thank you. Now I have a better idea of what you’re struggling with, so I can figure out how to help.”

Guilt twisted in Phineas’s chest. Ferb was only trying to be there for him, to support him, and what was he doing? Yelling at him.

Gosh...first Phineas had jeopardized his friendship with Isabella and now he was taking his anger at himself out on Ferb?

What was wrong with him today??

“Ferb, I’m sorry….” He sighed. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you….none of this is your fault, and I know you’re just trying to help...”

“I forgive you.” Ferb wrapped his arms around him. “And I get it. This stuff is hard.”

Phineas sniffled and let himself be held for a bit.

In moments like this, it was easy to remember that Ferb was a bit older than him and thus technically his big brother.

...Phineas wasn’t sure what he’d do without him.

“....thanks, bro. You’re the best.”

“Anytime…” Ferb replied.

“...this hug is from Candace, by the way…” he added thoughtfully. “She’s very concerned about you.”

Phineas chuckled and smiled softly. “Aww...Candace is the best too. Is that who you were texting a bit ago?”

Ferb twitched. “Yup.”

(Technically that wasn’t a lie.)

He sat back a bit and folded his arms in his lap. “So. You almost kissed Isabella, you’re worried she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore….it sounds to me like you’re dealing with a lot of fears right now. Am I right?”

Phineas considered this. “I mean...yeah, I guess I am. Like you said, I’m afraid Isabella doesn’t want to be my friend anymore, and that she thinks I’m weird, and that I’ll completely lose it the next time I see her, and that things will never be the same between us again, and—!”

“Ok, ok, I’m just going to stop you there,” Ferb interjected.

He was trying to calm Phineas down, not get him worked up again.

“First and foremost, Isabella is still your friend and still WANTS to be your friend. That isn’t speculation, it’s just a fact.”

Phineas raised an eyebrow at him. “How do I know you’re not just saying that to make me feel better?”

Ferb, of course, couldn’t go into specifics on how he knew he wasn’t just saying this to make Phineas feel better.

“Because Isabella’s my friend too, remember?” he countered. “I’ve known her almost as long as you have. And I know how much she cares about all her friends. That includes you. Especially you. Because you two are best friends, right?”

Phineas couldn’t help but smile fondly at that. “Yeah, we’re best friends…” A hint of sadness entered his eyes. “....at least...I hope we still are.”

“You are,” Ferb assured him. “Those kinds of friendships don’t just disappear after one awkward moment.”

“But...but Ferb…” Phineas shut his eyes and grimaced. “She looked SO freaked out after I almost kissed her….I mean, she has to know I have feelings for her now, right?”

Ferb shrugged, feigning ignorance.

He needed to change the subject. (Or at least divert it.)

“You said before the ‘almost-kiss’ happened, you thought Isabella might like you back,” he voiced. “Why?”

“Well…” Phineas’s gaze softened, and he blushed and smiled gently in spite of himself. “She kept smiling at me today. And holding my hand. And touching my shoulder. And looking at me in a way that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside….”

His smile faded.

“But then she ran away….so I think she was just being friendly.”

Ferb bit his tongue to stifle a groan. “ So close… .” he thought.

...maybe he could nudge Phineas towards the truth. Just a bit.

“You know, Phineas, in the recording studio earlier, did YOU get freaked out?”

“Oh gosh, I definitely did,” Phineas replied with a wince. “It was so awkward….UGH…..”

“So….”

Ferb had to tread verrrrry lightly here.

“If YOU got freaked out because you almost kissed Isabella even though you have feelings for her….maybe…..do you think……..”

He paused, hoping Phineas would fill in the blanks for him.

(Because he knew he was pushing it at this point.)

“What?” Phineas replied.

Ferb couldn’t take much more of this. His brother might have been nearing adulthood now, but he was just as oblivious as he’d been when they were kids.

“Maybe…...JUST MAYBE…..” Ferb proposed. “....she got freaked out for the same reason you got freaked out?”

He couldn’t flat-out give Isabella’s feelings away. But Phineas had already speculated she might like him back at this point, right?

So, really, Ferb was just nudging him back towards a possibility he’d already considered.

Phineas’s eyes widened as Ferb’s words sunk in. “But I only got freaked out because I didn’t want to mess up our friendship by kissing her...so….if SHE got freaked out for that reason….you….you think…..you think she might like me back after all? Are you sure? ...I’m just not sure…”

Ferb was going to scream. He was absolutely going to scream. This was ridiculous. Phineas was ridiculous. Isabella was ridiculous. They were both. Just. Ridiculous.

….which apparently made them ridiculously perfect for each other.

Ferb articulated his response as casually as he could.

“......I mean. Anything’s possible, right? But you’ll never know if you don’t try talking to her again.”

Phineas considered this. And he shuddered.

The thought of talking to Isabella when his most recent memory of her involved her staring at him with horror in her eyes and running away from him was just...a little too daunting.

“I….I just don’t know, Ferb…..” he voiced hesitantly. “What if—"

“No.” Ferb had had enough. “No what if’s. You love Isabella, right?”

“Well, yeah!! Of course I do, but—"

“And you love being her friend?”

“YES I love being her friend, that’s why I’m so scared to talk to her because she might say she doesn’t want to be friends anymore—"

“PHINEAS. WE’VE BEEN OVER THIS. She isn’t going to want to stop being your friend!!! And, besides, you can’t let fear stop you from pursuing what you love. In all the adventures we’ve had, every wild invention, weren’t you ever afraid?”

“Well sure I was, but—"

“But you didn’t let that fear stop you!! You pursued what you wanted anyway!! What makes this different?”

“Ferb, this isn’t an invention that will disappear when Mom gets home or an adventure that will come and go!!!!” Phineas countered. He sighed, eyes cast downward. “....Isabella is more important to me than any of that stuff…like, infinitely more important....”

It took Ferb a while to think of a suitable response to that.

Finally he took a deep breath.  “....if Isabella’s that important to you, Phineas, then she’s worth the risk. She’s worth overcoming that fear.

“I know you’re scared to lose her, Phineas...but, if nothing else, she’s your best friend. Don’t you want to spend time with her? To keep being her best friend?”

“.....more than anything…..” Phineas whispered softly.

“Then you HAVE to talk to her,” Ferb replied gently. “Even if you’re worried about what she might say.”

Phineas pondered this. “I….I know you’re right, Ferb….but...I’m still scared.”

He wanted to keep being Isabella’s friend, to laugh with her and hang out with her and maybe hold her hand again because he’d really, REALLY liked getting to hold her hand today.

But he couldn’t do that until he actually spoke to her. And figured out just what had changed between them.

The thought of doing that was terrifying.

“It’s okay to be scared,” Ferb replied. He ruffled Phineas’s hair and smiled. “That just shows how much you care. But you can be brave and fight through the fear anyway.” He tapped his chin thoughtfully and added, “I think Isabella is worth fighting for, don’t you?”

Phineas’s face brightened a bit.

Did the thought of talking to Isabella and walking with her and singing with her still tie his stomach in knots?

Yes. Yes it did.

But, he still wanted to be her friend.

And he still loved her.

...he really loved her.

“....she’s definitely worth fighting for….” Phineas agreed.

Ferb grinned and patted him on the back as he stood from the bed.  

“THAT’S the Phineas Flynn I know and love.”

He gave Phineas a hand and helped him to his feet.

“Now come on. It’s past one o’clock, we should eat.”

...

“...so, Isabella...let’s take a step back and go over everything we talked about.”

Isabella closed her eyes and took a deep breath, thinking over the conversation she’d had with Candace over the past hour.

“Phineas and I are best friends, and at the end of the day, that’s what is most important and it won’t change.”

“Good. Keep going.”

“I don’t have to worry about him not liking me anymore because he’s quite literally the human embodiment of a beautiful ray of sunshine who cares about everyone and is just the most wonderful person ever.”

“....alright that’s not QUITE how I worded that point but, sure, sounds great.”

“It’s okay to be anxious, it’s a part of being human, but whenever anxious thoughts get the best of me, I can remind myself of what I know to be true—like, that Phineas and I are best friends—and it will help.”

“And?”

“...AND, if it doesn’t help, I can text you. Or Ferb. Or my mom. Or...or Phineas, if I’m anxious about something that doesn’t concern him.”

“VERY GOOD. When I first started dating Jeremy...and throughout my time dating Jeremy...Stacy was always there to listen to me vent, and it helped me a lot. Never feel like you have to keep all those worries bottled up inside, no matter how silly they may seem. Ferb and I are here for you!! And the Fireside Girls are too, although I understand why you didn’t want to talk to them about this.”

“Thank you so much, Candace….” Isabella said. “I still don’t know how Phineas will react when I see him again, but...I don’t feel as worried about it now.”

“I’m glad,” Candace replied. “And I bet he’ll be happy to see you.”

Isabella blushed in spite of herself...and then frowned. “How can you be sure?” she asked. “You didn’t see his face after I almost kissed him…I told you already, he looked super freaked out.”

“Maybe he was freaked out because he wanted to kiss you but you pulled away,” Candace replied without missing a beat.

And then she flinched. And bit her tongue. Because Ferb had said she was not to reveal Phineas’s feelings for Isabella under any circumstances and she’d just sort of. Accidentally done that.

But Isabella didn’t discern the truth woven into Candace’s words. “Yeah, sure, I suppose anything is possible,” she replied with a chuckle. “I highly doubt he wanted to kiss me, though...but I appreciate the thought.”

Candace let out an inaudible sigh of relief. For once, Isabella’s obliviousness to Phineas’s feelings for her was a blessing and not a curse.

“Well, I think Amanda just woke up from her nap,” she said. “Are you going to be okay if I end the call? What’s your plan for the rest of the day?”

“My mom will be home from work soon,” Isabella replied. “So I’ll probably talk to her about everything as well. And until she gets here, I’ll do some homework.”

“Ok, good!” Candace replied. “Just text me if you need anything. And keep me posted!! And, don’t worry...all this stuff between you and Phineas, it’ll work out.”

Isabella managed a laugh and replied, “I hope you’re right…. Thanks again, Candace. You’re the best.”

“Anytime, sister! Anytime. We should totally hang out the next time I’m in town. Maybe over the summer?”

“I’d love that!! Especially if I get to see Amanda again...she’s getting so BIG!!”

“I know!!! She’s growing so fast….aaand I’d better go, because she’s screaming now. Bye, Isabella!!”

“Bye, Candace!!”

Isabella ended the call with a smile on her face.

It felt good to have someone like Candace looking out for her....almost like a big sister.

She didn’t know what the future held for her and Phineas, and there were still a million doubts and worries swimming about in her head.

But now, at least, she knew how go about overcoming them.

...

The remainder of Saturday ambled by without much fanfare. Isabella and Phineas remained in their own respective houses, completing homework and spending time with their families.

They didn’t speak or see each other at all….but they were certainly in each other’s thoughts.

Sunday went by rather similarly.

Mostly.

It took Phineas nearly half an hour to work up the nerves to send an attachment of the duet to Isabella along with a text reading, “thought you might like to hear this! I think we sound pretty great. :)"

When Isabella received the notification, she had to take a few moments to dance around her room and whisper-scream because PHINEAS WAS TEXTING HER. PHINEAS STILL WANTED TO COMMUNICATE WITH HER. HE’D LISTENED TO THEIR DUET AND THOUGHT IT SOUNDED GOOD.

She listened to the song once. As she did, she tried to focus on the musicality of it as opposed to the memories it resurfaced of dancing with Phineas, of holding his hand...of almost kissing him.

From a purely musical standpoint, it sounded amazing.

She almost laughed when the recording faded out. Ms. Chase would never guess what had happened between her and Phineas once it stopped.

It took her a bit to think of the perfect reply to Phineas’s message. She typed and re-typed it at least a dozen times, battling a surge of anxious butterflies that grew larger and larger with each iteration she wrote….until she finally told herself to just send something and try not to worry about it.

“Thanks, Phineas! I think we sound great too. And thanks for putting the finishing touches on the recording, I appreciate it. :) I’ll see you tomorrow!”

Receiving a text from Isabella was like breaking through the surface of the ocean and taking a breath of fresh air. Phineas lunged for his phone as soon as it buzzed and read her response over and over, maybe a dozen times, his smile growing wider and wider every time. He even showed the message to Ferb, exclaiming, “Ferb!!! She replied to my text!!! She thinks we sounded good!!! And said thanks!! Twice!!!!! She said she’ll see me tomorrow!!!! AND SENT A SMILEY FACE!!!!!!”

Ferb just smiled knowingly “I told you she was still your friend.”

...

Isabella hesitated before opening the door and stepping outside.

She stared across the street and waited, fingers twitching, heart perhaps beating a bit faster than normal. She, Phineas, and (usually) Ferb had fallen into a habit of walking to school together every morning, ever since she and Phineas started working on their project...but was this habit broken now?

“ ...what if he already left? Or what if he’s waiting for me to leave? Because he doesn’t want to walk with me? Or be my friend?”

Isabella shook her head firmly and remembered her conversation with Candace.

“NO. Phineas is my friend. He wouldn’t leave without me, at least not without saying something. And Ferb wouldn’t leave without me either.”

She could wait a bit longer. And if Phineas and Ferb didn’t appear within a minute or so, she could cross the street and knock on their door herself.

...

Phineas lingered behind the door, hesitant to even look out the peephole.

“I thought we’d moved past this,” Ferb quipped as he came to stand at Phineas’s side. “Don’t we always walk to school with Isabella now? She’s probably already outside.”

“No, I’m not looking for Isabella, I’m….uh….trying to build up the courage to open the door…..” Phineas admitted. “I know she said ‘see you tomorrow’ last night but...what if she changed her mind? What if she isn’t out there? What if she’s already at school? Or she’s waiting for us to leave? Because she doesn’t want to walk with me?”

Ferb crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow at him, and Phineas rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

“Right, right...fight the fear...Isabella’s worth fighting for...I know…..”

He steeled his courage and, without even looking out the peephole, swung the door open.

And there she was. Isabella. His best friend. Standing across the street. Looking at him.

...smiling at him.

Phineas’s heart swelled.

He’d been afraid he’d never see Isabella’s smile again.

But there she was. Smiling.

He smiled back.

...

“....he’s smiling at me…..he’s SMILING AT ME! HE STILL WANTS TO BE FRIENDS!! CANDACE AND FERB WERE RIGHT!!!”

...

Isabella and Phineas met on the sidewalk in front of the Flynn-Fletcher house (like they always did). There was definitely a hesitance, a carefulness, in their demeanors...but they were together again.

And that’s what really mattered.

...

“...hi, Phineas! It’s nice to see you.”

“Hey, Isabella! It’s nice to see you too. ...how was the rest of your weekend?”

“It was good! I spent time with my mom, got started on a speech for Debate Club...caught up with an old friend...how was yours?”

“It was fine! I spent time with my family too, gave Perry a bath, got a head start on a history assignment I have due Friday…”

“Cool! How's your head doing?"

“Better! The bruise is fading a little each day.”

“Great! So....are you ready for class today?”

“Sure am! And I already emailed our song to Ms. Chase, just to be safe.”

“Oh, awesome! Thanks!”

“Well...I guess we should start walking, huh?”

“Oh! Yeah, we probably should.”

...

Phineas and Isabella settled into an easy rhythm as they started off in the direction of Danville High. Ferb fell in line beside them and listened as they chatted about their respective projects, about whether or not the history of the Tri-State Area was represented accurately in several songs written about it and about which Space Adventure season was the best.

A warm sense of relief swirled around the trio as they walked, propelling them forward into the day.

Phineas was relieved that Isabella was still comfortable walking and talking with him.

Isabella was relieved that Phineas was still comfortable walking and talking with her.

And Ferb was relieved for them (and relieved that his meddling had proven successful after all).

Isabella and Phineas didn’t dare bring up Saturday morning as they walked. (Deep down, they both knew they’d eventually have to talk about it....but for now, they were just glad to spend time together without things being awkward or unbearable. They could address the elephant in the room later.)

At one point, Isabella caught Ferb’s eye as Phineas stared ahead and gushed about why he thought the fourth season of Space Adventure was criminally underrated. She smiled warmly, glanced at Phineas and then back at him, and mouthed the words “ ...thank you… ”

(Because if it weren’t for Ferb and Candace, she probably wouldn’t be walking at Phineas’s side right now.)

Ferb smiled back and nodded his head….and then gestured first to himself, then to her and Phineas, before shrugging with a cheeky grin, as if to say:

“Turns out I was right, huh? Phineas still wants to be your friend after all. So are you going to ask him out?”

Isabella understood what he was trying to say well enough. She tersely shook her head and blushed before looking away.

Phineas still wanted to be her friend and spend time with her. She couldn’t even begin to consider asking him out right now and messing that up.

(Even if the desire to confess her feelings still tumbled restlessly her chest.)

For now, this? Walking together? Listening to Phineas ramble about Space Adventure with the same passion he used to delegate projects and motivate others? Feeling lighter and lighter with each step she took because just being close to him made her feel happier than anything or anyone else ever could?

It was enough.

In fact, it was more than enough.

It was everything.

...

Thanks so much for reading!!! This chapter was EXTREMELY therapeutic to write. 😅

I truly cannot express how thankful I am for all the support and love this fic has received. It means SO MUCH to me! You guys are just the best!!!!!

I don't have any doodles for this chapter (yet, lol), but I AM working on a Phinabella song/animatic that's unrelated to this story here on Tumblr if you want to check that out! :)

Thanks as always to @youruinedmylifebynotbeingreal for being a fabulous beta AND a fabulous human in general! :)

also today is @macaronsforchat‘s birthday!!!!! she’s been supporting this fic from the beginning so I would be remiss if I didn’t give her a shoutout. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEL!!!!!!! ILY!!!

Thanks again for reading, and I'll see you soonish for Chapter 8! :D

[maggyoutthere]

Quick listing of other stuff I used to work on and that I NEED to get back to working on otherwise I'll be drawing sth stuff only until the year ends

Think you saw someone else post these on Amino? Well yeah that was me. I was in the IZ and AHIT Aminos for a while but ended up not lasting long there XD

(This will be a longer post than what I usually do but it will have some art and au concepts for multiple fandoms so eh take a shot if u want

•┈┈┈┈┈┈୨♡୧┈┈┈┈┈•

👏DRAW👏MORE👏HOLLOW KNIGHT👏STUFF

I really wanna draw more Hollow Knight stuff. I absolutely fell in love with literally everything about the game. The art style is so gloomy but enchanting at the same time, the soundtrack is just phenomenal, fluid animations and a intricate story.

I've only drawn sealed vessel yet because they are my daddy issues and trauma and I get to project them onto what character I want and I legit just like his design a lot.

Invader Zim au I never properly fleshed out ❤💙💛

I remember having this IZ au where for shit's and giggles but also aesthetic reasons, our normal Dib, Pilot!Dib and Zib were triplets while still having Gaz as a younger sister. Again it was more for the aesthetic of it than anything else XD I did have a plan to said au but I left it back on the IZ Amino and I'd have to download the app just to go get it hhhhhh-

I did make some art for it. It's a bit old by now but it still holds up a bit XD

Another au I have for A Hat In Time but ehh? 💜💙💛

I've been kinda falling out of the AHIT fandom. I think the whole reason I was there was a 5 month hyperfixation on Snatcher XD still I was on that Amino as well and made an au as well. I always go for aus whenever I enter a fandom; I'm not comfortable enough to make an oc yet so I start of by doing that first.

The au was about how after Hat Kid finishes the level in Vanessa's Manor, the queen actually chases after her all the way back to Subcon Forest. Snatcher tries to fight off Vanessa, but she actually proves to be much stronger than him. In a moment of panic and desperation that he can't simply get her out of there, guy's sass completely falls apart and he just angrily vents out at her. However, this time, Vanessa actually listens to him. It's been so long since she had last seen her prince, might as well try.

They somewhat patch things up, reuniting the kingdom under the condition that Snatcher will be the one in control now and Vanessa will just stand on the sidelines. She agrees cuz she's just happy to have her prince back. The au kicked off with this premise, a few years after Hat Kid leaves the planet when she mysteriously crashes right back on Subcon Forest.

This one actually had like two small stories to it I had fully written, which is unusual because I don't usually write that much. I might finish it just for the heck of it but that'll be it.

Ocs & Other fandoms cuz wow🤍🖤

I would just love to have the chance to develop ocs here, but tumblr is a little bitch to original stuff. The "algorithm" because idfk what else to call it favors fanart above anything else, so getting other stuff out there is kinda hard. Maybe I'll start doing that as well just hhh remember that not a lot of people might see it XD

I'm also missing out on a bunch of other fandoms I don't really pay much attention to anymore XD I'm a casual fan of a lot of stuff, so eh expect some random things here once in a while

JUST WRITE SOMETHING DAMMIT

Hi again I do really really love writing. Reignited that passion a while ago when I started to rp again (thanks @cyro-starfire XD) so I wanna get back to actually writing stuff. Problem is: idk what to write about. I did pick up a book my mom told me I might like so I'm trying to do that now-

Idk this is a vague one but it's just to remind myself that yeah I mainly draw but I also like to do other stuff XD

Get back to FNAF and BATIM cuz new games are coming out this year 💜🖤

I cannot STRESS enough how much of a BATIM fan I was back in the day XD I left the Amino due to some drama but I'm still planning on returning if the new game catches my attention. Also keeping an eye out for FNAF cuz I'll definitely come back to that due to the game and movie that are in the works.

I'm not exactly planning to return to the Amino itself but just start posting about said games. I don't really like that place anymore -0-'

•┈┈┈┈┈┈୨♡୧┈┈┈┈┈•

Oof I think that was it. Tagging this will be a pain in the ass XD

[painted-crow]

I haven't been on tumblr in a hot century so it feels a little weird to be writing a submission to you... but I just bingeread most of this blog and your way of explaining the shc system is so gloriously comprehensible that I really want to pour my brain out at your feet and have you explain the bits to me.

I hope life is treating you well and thank you for the awesome blog you run. The way you describe things and the way you help people sort themselves is clear and clever and so very kind of you to do, and that's what I appreciates about you. :)

(This was a chunk of a submission from someone who ended up sending in a second version that I answered in depth, but the fan mail portion from this first version was so sweet that it seems mean to just delete it. So here it is, as a #cutie post. 😊)

[ayamari-no-goshi]

Verboten 11 | (T)

ff.net | AO3

Fandom: Danny Phantom (DP)

Summary:   AU. When Danny was five years old, he went missing for 2 weeks. In the years that follow, his family tried to make sense of what happened, only for the truth to be discovered years later.

Warnings: rated T for violence, mentions of death, language. Be prepared for some very weird things

Chapter warning: child kidnappings mentioned

Parings: Danny/Sam

Notes: originally uploaded to Ff.net. Cross-posted to AO3 and tumblr. This fic is very heavily inspired by folklore surrounding mysterious wilderness disappearances

Chapter 11

The return home was nothing but a blur. Sam’s mind couldn’t make much sense of anything until she focused on flashing lights in the darkness. Panic gripped her as the possibility those skeleton creatures followed them, but voices soon filtered through the dark trees. She called out to them in a raspy voice. At first, she thought her voice was too faint to reach them, but someone heard her.

One of the rangers came into focus as he approached her. After flashing his light over the area, he tried asking her something. His question didn’t make much sense to her, so she attempted to tell him she was okay, but the others might be hurt. Her vision swam as the ranger contacted someone on his walkie-talkie. The last thing she heard before blackness took her was the ranger trying to keep her conscious.

…

She woke up to find herself staring at a pale gray ceiling. Confused, she turned her head to get a better idea of where she was. The white walls, a single chair where Tucker was sleeping, and an IV which was attached to her clued her in that she was in a hospital. Why was she in a hospital? After glancing at Tucker again, she determined the better question was why was Tucker in the hospital? He hated them.

He roused himself after a few moments. “Hey, you’re awake!” After allowing himself a moment to stretch, he moved to her side. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” Her throat felt like sandpaper. “How’d I get here? Where is everyone else? Where’s Danny?”

“I was told the Rangers called in ambulances after we were found. We and the A-listers were taken here. We were actually the least injured – just some scrapes and bruises. The doctors said you also had a bad bump on the head. Some of the A-listers are in critical condition, but they should make it.” He glanced around before leaning closer so he could whisper, “When I was released earlier, my parents told me Danny had been found and taken here, but they’re not allowing visitors. He’s being questioned by the police because he was found in a different location hours after us and relatively unharmed. Mom said the doctors seem worried about his vitals.”

“But he didn’t do anything!” She tried to sit up only to have Tucker gently stop her.

“Hey, the only way your parents let me in here was if I promised to make sure you didn’t get up if they weren’t in the room. I’m not pushing my luck after everything else that happened.” Once he was certain she was done trying to move, he went back to the chair and wrung his hands. “Trust me. I know he didn’t have anything to do with what happened, but it looks weird to the cops that he wasn’t found with us.”

Sam wanted to argue with him just so she could vent. Danny didn’t deserve that suspicion. He was probably most affected by what happened. Remembering him in that ghostly form, she hoped he would be okay being in the world of the living. He was back there with them, so she guessed he would be okay.

She tried to question Tucker for more information, but her parents interrupted them. After a boisterous show of relief from her mother, her dad had enough tact to politely ask Tucker to give them time with their daughter. She glared at Tucker’s betrayal as he gave a half-hearted salute before he exited leaving her to try to block out her mother’s piercing voice.

….

After a barrage of tests the next morning, the doctors were confident she could be released. However, her parents wanted them to keep her for another night as a precaution. Since the doctors gave her a clean bill of health, the police came in to take a statement from her. She told them what she felt she could – that someone who called himself Youngblood killed Lester and took Mikey, and after she and her friends got separated from the others, were hunted down by someone called Plasmius. While the police seemed skeptical, they did admit her story matched up with her friends and what they could get out of Dash and Lucas.

Her annoyance at the police lessened when Tucker brought her news they were allowed to go see Danny. Her nurse was fine with it as long as she returned to her room after a couple hours.

Danny’s room was on a different floor so it took them a few minutes to get there. After knocking and entering, they found Danny sitting up on his bed and chatting with his sister. After greeting them, Jazz excused herself after giving him a searching look.

“What was that about?” Tucker questioned as he glanced back towards where Jazz disappeared.

“You know her and her psychobabble. She’s convinced I’m traumatized need to talk to someone.” Danny’s tone seemed light, but there was a notable frown on his face. “I can tell she knows I’m withholding information.”

“I think the police also think that. The cop I talked to earlier seemed upset I didn’t give him more information,” Sam admitted before she moved forward to give him a quick hug. “How are you doing considering…?” She gestured vaguely to his body. “You still owe me a date, you know.”

A chuckle escaped him. “I know I do, but they need to let me out of here first. Then we can play it by ear.” He brought his hand to his chest. “Some of my vitals are wonky because of… what happened, so the doctors want to observe me for a while still.” His eyes grew distant as he continued, “Overall, I think I’m okay, but this place makes me so uncomfortable. There is so much emotion, and… I think they’re remnants of people who died. They might be ghosts, but they seem so wispy compared to what we saw. Clockwork told me that place corrupted ghosts over time, so maybe that’s what it is. The ghosts here aren’t corrupted.”

“Dude, I feel you about hospitals being creepy. The only reason I’m here is to visit you two,” Tucker admitted as he removed his hat and wrung it. “But what do you mean by emotion?”

There was a green tinge to Danny’s eyes as he glanced at them. “I can feel… maybe taste… the fear and grief in this place. I don’t like it.”

After sharing a concerned look with Tucker, Sam gently patted Danny’s shoulder. “There are old stories that say ghosts seem to respond to strong emotions. Maybe that’s what it is.”

“Maybe.” His reply was half-hearted.

“So, how exactly did you get back? And how did the visit with Clockwork go?” Tucker questioned as he sat on the only chair in the room, leaving Sam to rest on the end of his bed.

“Frostbite brought me back after we got the report that you were attacked, he led me to a different portal as the one you went through already closed.” His head tilted as he thought about it. “Clockwork was very unsettled by the events. He’s the ghost of time, by the way, and I don’t think I ever want his job.” After catching their confused stares, Danny launched into a hushed explanation of what Clockwork told him.

“You’re telling me the ghost of time missed seeing that weird thing?” It was Tucker who finally broke the stunned silence after Danny finished. “He’s not very good at his job, is he?”

Danny shook his head. “I don’t think it’s Clockwork’s fault. From what I caught, it seems what or whoever is employing those things, they are able to move in his blind spots.”

“You said something about how those things are looking to steal kids. Do you think we have to worry about them?” Although Sam wasn’t too worried about herself, she did have small cousins that while they were brats, she had no desire to see them harmed.

“I’m not sure. I wasn’t given too much information about them, and I don’t exactly have a way to try to find a way to find out either.”

“Hmm… When my parents finally allow me out of here, I’ll go through my collection of folklore and mythology. I know it’s a long shot, but maybe there’s a mention of something like what you described.”

“Oooh! That’s a good idea. Why didn’t I think of that?” Tucker smacked himself on the head as he brought out his PDA. After a few quick button pushes, he held it up. “I now have a program running to see if there are any recent reports of those things? It might take a bit of filtering to get around CreepyPastas, but I think it’ll work.”

Danny gave them a trembling smile. “Thanks guys.”

Their conversation soon drifted to more mundane things like school and imagining Sam’s parents going on a rampage against the school district. Their conversation came to an end after Danny’s parents entered the room, a little more excited than normal. They clearly wanted to discuss something in private, so Sam and Tucker excused themselves. Tucker then walked Sam back to her room, where her nurse was waiting for them.

xxxxxx

The next day, Danny was release from the hospital under strict orders he needed to be carefully monitored. His temperature and blood pressure were still on the low side, but he seemed to be healthy. Uncertain whether or not that was his new baseline, they figured his parents would return him to the hospital if he took a turn for the worst. So, he would be allowed to stay home from school for about a week.

If he was honest, he didn’t think he parents would be too motivated to keep an eye on him as they had a new toy to keep their attention. While he, his friends, and classmates were lost in the world of the dead, his parents managed to punch open a hole into that very place with an invention they had been working on for decades. Most of their waking moments were spent hovering around it and taking measurements.

He didn’t understand why they would make such a thing. Its energy infected everything in the house. He doubted his parents or sister were able to feel it unless they stood in front of it, but that energy thrummed in his very core. It wasn’t exactly a comforting feeling, but it seemed to calm the constant fighting between his human and ghostly forms. He supposed he should be at least thankful for that as it helped prevent slip ups around his family.

That had been the most nerve wracking aspect of his changes. His energy often surged without warning which triggered some sort of ghostly ability that both Frostbite and Clockwork neglected to mention to him. His body parts liked to inappropriately pass through solid objects or disappear for a few minutes at a time. It often went away after a few frantic moments of trying to fix the problem. He had yet to tell his friends about it.

For the most part, he kept to himself and in his room while he was under this surveillance period. However, he still had bodily needs. So, he would venture to the kitchen for snacks.

A couple hours after dinner, he went downstairs for one such snack. He found his sister in the living room watching breaking news regarding a disappearance of a teen. As he listened to the reporter, a strange chill ran through him. That chill worsened after they showed a photo of the girl – she was an underclassman at his school.

“How long have you been standing there?” Jazz demanded after she realized he was there. Had he really been that quiet?

“Long enough. What exactly happened to her?” He moved to sit down on the couch with her.

“After what just happened to you, I don’t think you should listen.”

He rolled his eyes. “Jazz, I’m fine. Besides, I already heard enough to know she went missing around the same time me and my classmates did.”

Jazz narrowed her eyes as she seemingly examined him for some unknown sign. When she didn’t find it, she sighed and caught him up. “She and her family went on a normal hike on a short trail outside the city. When she didn’t come back at the designated time, a search party went looking for her. She was found unharmed near a bend the creek that follows that trail.” She paused as she scratched her head. “It doesn’t seem too unusual, but something her parents said in an interview is bugging me. They said she seemed like an entirely different person after she was found. I’m trying to get more information to see if I have any information that might be able to help them.”

“You probably shouldn’t stick your nose in it.”

The expression she shot him went from offended to sheepish as she backtracked. “Well… I wasn’t going to directly get involved. I was just going to send a message to their doctors if I could find a psychological change that could help with their prognoses. I wonder if they’d let me do a case study on her for my class.” Jazz had received special permission to return home for a couple weeks to make sure Danny was fine. However, true to form, she had promised to work on any potential projects due the time period.

“Jazz… I’m serious. You shouldn’t get involved.” When Jazz looked like she was going to argue with him, he gave her the most intense glare he could muster. “You have no idea what might have happened to her. Getting involved when you shouldn’t, might make it worse, or you might get yourself involved in something you’ll end up regretting.”

She floundered as she tried to find her words. If he didn’t know any better, she almost seemed afraid. “I don’t understand you,” she eventually told him. “You’ve never taken such an interest in any of my previous projects.”

Danny just rubbed his temples. Jazz didn’t tend to back down from anything unless she had a sound argument. “Jazz, I’m telling you, there’s something wrong here. Don’t approach her.”

“Are you implying that her temporary disappearance has something to do with what happened to you and your classmates?”

“I know it sounds crazy, but call it a gut feeling.”

She gently patted his shoulder. “I know what this is about.”

“You do?”

She gave him a pitying look. “Because your situations are so similar, you’re projecting your fears and experience on to her.”

“What? That’s not it at all!”

“You just keep telling yourself that, little brother.” With that phrase, she effectively dismissed anything else he had to say.

Still unsettled, Danny excused himself and went back to his room to see if he could find any more information as to what happened to the underclassman and to alert Sam and Tucker to the information. While he was able to get little more than the information he heard on the news report, the feeling something else was wrong wouldn’t leave him.