#when for years i have had the mindset [my gender is related to my bisexuality; meaning My Gender Is Bi . but never was like .

[botseeksbot]

trying out a new name . also im finally going to openly say im bigender now

[flying-elliska]

I came across another one of those "there is absolutely zero homophobia in this story about queer characters that's amazing !!! " posts (Or at least the op was intent on reading no homophobia at all in the text even when it was hinted at). And those types of post always give me such weird mixed feelings. I have seen a lot of them in the last few years.

I'm not discussing anyone's personal preferences - that is entirely up to them. And I also agree that I want more stories where queerness is not a big deal and people's problems come from other places. And queer characters can have the same amount of fun fluffy romance.

HOWEVER in the way ppl talk about queer stories (thinking predominantly abt book related spaces) these days it's often like any kind of obstacles or adversity makes it "bad representation" and honestly...that kind of worries me.

That's partly a matter of personal taste - a while back I went on a sapphic book reading binge and I found too many of them way too saccharine and boring and cutesy without depth.

But also - there is an element of cultural amnesia here that I can't help but link to the way some parts of online queer communities nowadays end up falling for conservative/queerphobic rhetoric often out of sheer ignorance (terfy bullshit, heteronormativity, assimilationism/wanting to be seen as normal at all costs/shaming queer people seen as too weird/gnc, sex negativity, gatekeeping, etc etc). It is still important for queer people who grow up in more progressive environments to know about the resorts of homophobia and heteronormativity. Because knowledge is power, and progress is never guaranteed.

Like it's amazing that more and more young people grow up without having to be worried about that stuff ! That's something the queer community has been fighting for for so long ! But still nowadays, a majority of queer people live in bigoted environments, and a majority of queer people alive have experienced homophobia and bigotry. And there is a subset of young, often very privileged in other ways, queer person generally living in ultra-liberal bubbles that I wish remembered this and was more mindful when they spoke. Because I have heard stuff that really made me angry - about how "tragic gay stories" were tired and annoying and overdone and less valuable. And like, personal taste, wanting more fluff, that's one thing. But calling stories that are often real people's past or even present worthless because they're kind of a bummer and not entertaining enough - well, that's deeply disrespectful, disturbing and circles all the way back to homophobic.

I was thinking about this the other day bc that mindset has influenced me in ways I don't like. I do often write homophobia into my stories and sometimes I feel kind of bad about it, wondering if it's like, perpetuating cliches or exploitative etc etc. But actually fuck that noise. Homophobia had a huge impact on me growing up. I grew up in a deeply homophobic environment - I was called a d*ke in disgust before I was old enough to know what it was, I first learned about queerness through images of characters that were all sinister, ridiculous, pathetic, or predatory ; bisexuality meanwhile was either invisible or supposedly fake or psychopathic ; I grew up surrounded by people making shitty jokes and casually using slurs, bullying people who didn't adhere well enough to gender roles (and a few times that was me, too), my bff in HS was all like "gay guys are ok but queer women are gross" - I soaked up that shit like a sponge and it's no wonder I didn't figure out my sexuality until my early twenties - I had repressed the hell out of that shit because it was so scary. Even though my experiences were not as direct as other people, it was still the ambient background to those very formative years. And still today - like, we regularly hear on the news about lgbt people being attacked, one of those attacks happened a few blocks from where I live ffs, and I supposedly live in one of the most gay friendly countries on Earth ! So I am well within my rights to explore that shit through fiction.

Do I blame people for wanting a break from that ? Hell no ! I do too sometimes. But I do NOT want to hear bullshit about how queer stories that are less than perfectly happy are somehow bad, regressive or less valuable.

I think personally what I truly want is more nuance. Sometimes I feel like we switched right from having mostly super tragic stories where queer characters were completely crushed by overwhelming oppression to a predominant mood that is very, like..."feel good stories only, homophobia is solved!!!!! If you still feel bad it's all in your head you're stuck in the past/annoying and we don't care about your trauma!!!!!" (hmmm big toxic positivity and online performativity vibes). I think the stories that have brought me the most, personally, are those where queer characters still experience some level of oppression but manage to fight the system/find some measure of joy and happiness regardless/crush their bigoted enemies while being very badass about it, all the while having epic romances and very full lives and also other complex problems.

I mean there is probably media that does this that I haven't found yet (pls send me recs if you have any). But it still feels too rare.

I don't only want fluffy escapism or idealism in fiction. I want to get strength and hope from characters who do manage to overcome less than ideal situations, I want to find recognition, I want to learn about other people's lives, and yes, sometimes, I want the catharsis and validation of tragedy.

And also ? I think you can still manage to address these things in stories and also have fluff and a happy ending. It's too often annoyingly one note, like characters who suffer too much are too broken to recover or hope/fluff is not believable in a world where bad things happen or you can't explore heavier topics in what is supposed to be a happier story like ! This feels like marketing segmenting bullshit to me. Life is beautiful and horrible all at once !!! The one doesn't exclude the other !!!!

[divineknowing2021]

viewing guide

At its core, divine knowing is an exhibition about knowledge, power, and agency. It’s become a more common understanding that governments, institutions, and algorithms will manipulate the public with what information they frame as fact, fiction, or worthy of attention. Though I am early in researching this topic, I've only come across a minimal amount of mainstream discourse on how the initial threat limiting our scope of knowledge is a refusal to listen to ourselves.

In a world faced with so many threats - humans being violent toward each other, toward animals, toward the earth - it can be a bit unsettling to release the reins and allow ourselves to bear witness for a moment, as we slowly develop a deeper awareness of surrounding phenomena and happenings.  

divine knowing includes works by formally trained and self-taught artists. A majority of the artists are bisexual, non-binary, or transgender. Regardless of degree-status, gender, or sexuality, these artists have tapped into the autonomous well of self-knowing. Their artworks speak to tactics for opening up to a more perceptive mode of being. They unravel dependencies on external sources for knowledge and what we might recognize, connect with, or achieve once we do.

The installation Femme Digitale by Sierra Bagish originates from a series she began in 2017 by converting photographs of women that were taken and distributed online without the subject’s consent into paintings. Her practice at the time was concerned with female abjection. Sourcing images found via simple keywords and phrases (e.g., passed out, passed out drunk) she swathes a mass-circulated canon of internet detritus that articulates and produces aggression towards women. With her paintings, she circumvents the images’ original framing mechanisms and subverts these proliferated images through a sincere and personal lens.

These paintings divulge the blurred space between idolatry and denigration these online photos occupy, asking whose desires these images fulfill and what their propagation reveals about the culture producing them.  While Bagish's work contends with political motivations, she also remains keenly observant of form and the varying utilities of different media.

“I use the expressive potential of paint as a vehicle to intervene and challenge ideas about photography as a harbinger of the real and everyday.”

Chariot Birthday Wish is an artist and angel living in Brooklyn. They have seen The Matrix 28 times in 2 years and love horses. The tarot series included in divine knowing is their most intuitive project, something they revisit when unsure of what to work on next. The Major Arcana are composed of digital collages made from sourced images, the Minor Arcana are represented by short, poetic, interpretative texts about the cards. The series is played on shuffle, creating a unique reading for each viewer. This is a work in progress that will eventually finalize as a completed deck of digital collages available for purchase.

Chariot's work emerges from a constant consideration of apocalypse and connection. They reference technology in tandem with nature and a desire for unity. Underneath their work's surface conversation on beauty, care, and relationship exists an agenda to subtly evoke a conspiratorial anti-state mindset. Through a collective imagining of how good things could be and how good we want them to be, we might be able to reckon with how bad things are in contrast.

“I think about texting my friends from the middle of the woods...

Humans are a part of nature and we created these things. There's this Bjork quote where she says that "You can use pro tools and still be pagan." I'm really into the idea of using technology as a tool for divination and holy connection with nature. I imagine a scene; being in moss, it's absolute bliss, and then the connection of texting, sharing an image of moss with a friend, sharing that moment through cellular towers.”

The album "adding up" by thanks for coming is composed of songs Rachel Brown wrote during what they believe to be the most challenging year of their life. Rachel now looks back on this time in appreciation, recognizing they grew in ways they had never imagined. The entire year, they were committed to following their feelings to wherever it may lead.

“If I hadn't been open to following the almost indiscernible signs I was being sent, then I would have missed out on some of the most important moments in my life.”

Kimberly Consroe holds a Masters in Anthropology along with degrees in Archaeology, Literature, and History. She is currently a Research Analyst at the US Department of Commerce. Her artwork is a passionate escape from a hectic professional life and touches on themes of feminism and nature.

Her works begin as general ideas; their narrative complexity growing with the amount of time she invests in making each one. Her decoupage process starts with cutting hundreds, if not thousands, pieces of paper. The accumulation of clippings sourced from vintage and current-day magazines overlap to tell a story. In Domestication, Kimberly borrows submissive female figures from found images of Ryan Mcguinness's work and places them in a position of power.

“I believe intuition is associated with emotion and experience. It is wisdom and fear, empathy and outrage, distrust and familiarity. It is what we know before we know it. This relates to my artwork in that, from beginning to end, there is never one complete idea concerning the outcome: it is a personal journey. It emerges from an ephemeral narrative that coalesces into a definitive story.”

Anabelle DeClement is a photographer who primarily works with film and is interested in relationships as they exist within a frame. She is drawn to the mystery of the mundane. Intuition exists in her practice as a feeling of urgency and the decision to act on it  ---  a drive often used to describe street photography where the camera catches unexpected moments in an urban environment. Anabelle tends to photograph individuals with whom she has established personal relationships in a slow domestic setting. Her sense of urgency lies in capturing moments of peak intimacy, preserving a memory's informal beauty that otherwise may have been forgotten or overlooked.

Gla5 is a visual artist, poet, bookmaker, production designer, and educator. Play is at the center of their practice. Their process is an experimental one embracing impulse and adventure. Their compositions are informed by relationships among bodies of varying shapes, materials, and densities. Interests that come up in their work include a discernment between symbols and non-symbols, dream states, the portrayal of energy in action, and a fixation on forms such as cups, tables, and spoons.

“I generally think of my work as depicting a layer of life that exists underneath what we see in our everyday lives.”

Gladys Harlow is a sound-based performance artist, comedian, and activist who experiments with found objects, contact mics, textures, range, analog formats, present moments, and emotions. Through raw, avant-garbage performance art, they aim to breakdown societal barriers, abolish oppressive systems, and empower communities. Gladys was born in Queens, NY, raised in Miami, FL and has deep roots in Venezuela. Currently haunting in Philadelphia, PA, Gladys is a founding member of Sound Museum Collective. SMC holds space for reconstructing our relationships to sounds by creating a platform for women, nonbinary, and trans sound artists and engineers.

Street Rat is a visceral exploration of the mysteries of life. Attempting to bring heavy concepts to your reality, it is the eye on the ground that sees and translates all intersecting issues as they merge, explode, dissolve, and implode. Street Rat is Gladys Harlow's way of comprehending, coping, feeling, taking action, disrupting the status quo, and rebuilding our path.

All Power To The People originated as a recorded performance intended to demystify sound by revealing the tools, wires, and movements used to create it. All Power To The People evolved into an installation conceived specifically for this exhibition. The installation includes a theremin and oscillator built by Gladys, a tarot deck they made by hand, and books from the artist's personal collection, amongst other elements. Gladys has created a structure of comfort and exploration. They welcome all visitors of divine knowing to play with the instrument, flip freely through the books, and pull a tarot card to take home.

Phoebe Hart is an experimental animator and filmmaker. A majority of her work is centered around mental illness and the line between dreams and reality. Merry Go Round is a sculptural zoetrope that changes in shape and color as it spins. Its form is inspired by nature and its color by the circus. The video’s sound was produced by Hayden Waggener. It consists of reverbing chimes which are in rhythm with the stop animation’s movement; both oscillate seamlessly between serene and anxious states.

“I often don't plan the sculptures or objects I am fabricating, there is a vague image in my mind, and my hands take care of the rest. I find that sometimes overthinking is what can get me and other artists stuck. If I just abandon my judgments and ego, I can really let go and create work that feels like it came inherently from me.”

Powerviolets is the solo project of multi-instrumentalist Violet Hetson who is currently based in New York. After experiencing several false starts while bouncing coast to coast, recording and performing with several lineups, Hetson has finally released her debut album. ~No Boys~ namesake is a sarcastic sign she hung on her suburban CT teenage bedroom door. Violet Hetson grew up primarily listening to punk and hardcore. She parses elements of these genres with influences from bands such as X and Suburban Lawns. ~No Boys~ takes a softer, melodic approach to Hetson's punk roots. Powerviolets' music is linear, unconventional, dark, and airy with a sense of humor.

Mary Hunt is a fiber artist specializing in chain stitch embroidery. This traditional form of embroidery uses vintage machinery and thick thread to create fibrous art and embellishments. They use an approach called "thread painting," which requires each stitch to be hand guided by the turn of a knob underneath the table while the speed of movement is controlled by a foot pedal. Chainstitch works can take anywhere from 20 minutes to 200 hours, encouraging a slow and thoughtful process. Mary uses a Cornely A machine, made in Paris more than 100 years ago.

“I think we are sent messages and guidance constantly. Our intuition is simply our ability to clear the path for those messages. The largest obstacles on my artistic path are usually self-imposed negative thoughts. I simply do things to take care of my spiritual well-being, first and foremost, and the rest follows. If I can trust the universe, trust the process, then I am much more likely to listen to the messages sent my way.”

Jes the Jem is a multi-media artist working with acrylic, watercolor, mold clay, and whatever else she can get her hands on. She uses vivid color to bring joy into the lives of those who view her art. Jes the Jem has experienced a great deal of pain in her life. Through that unique displeasure, she has been gifted a nuanced perspective. She aims to energize the present while paying homage to the past events that shape us. In her art, her life, and her interpersonal relationships, Jes the Jem appreciates the gift of all of life's experiences.

“The pursuit of happiness and understanding is instinct.”

Pamela Kivi pieces together visual scraps she has saved over the years, choosing to fuse them at whatever present moment she sees fit. Her work reflects on creative mania, fleeting emotions, and memories. Pamela's collages are a compilation of unexpected elements that include: old notebooks, cut-outs, text messages or Facebook message conversations, nostalgic cellphone photos, and visual materials she has chosen to hold onto. She prints out, cuts up, scans, edits, repeats. Pamela's artistic practice is deeply personal. It is a submittal to the process of dusting things off until a reflection can be seen, all enacted without an attachment to the end result.

“I rely on intuition and whatever state of mind I am in to whisk me away. In life, I often confuse intuition with anxiety- when it comes to creative work, I can decipher the two.”

Through sobriety, Kendall Kolenik's focus has shifted toward self-discovery and shedding old adaptive patterns, a process that led her to a passion for helping others heal themselves too. In autumn, she will begin her Masters in Social Work at Columbia University.

“I love how when I'm painting my self-doubt becomes so apparent. Painting shows me exactly where my doubt lies, which guides me towards overriding it. When I paint something and lean into doubt, I don't like what comes out. When I take note of the resistance and go with my gut more freely, I love it. This reminds me of my yoga practice. What you practice on the mat is a metaphor for how you show up in life. By breathing through the uncomfortable poses on the mat, you learn to breathe through challenging life moments.

I think we all grow up learning to numb and edit ourselves. We are taught not to trust our feelings; we are told to look outside ourselves for answers when we already have a perfectly good compass within. Painting is an archway back to that for me - rediscovering self-reliance and faith in my first instinct. When I'm creating these rainbow squares, sometimes I move so fast it's like something else is carrying me. I sort of leave myself and enter a trance. Like how you don't have to tell the heart to beat or the lungs to breathe - thinking goes away and I can get so close to my knowing that I become it. I love how art allows me to access my love for ambiguity, interpretation, and an interpretation that feels closer to Truth. I find no greater purpose than guiding people back to safety and reconnecting them with themselves. The most important thing to ever happen in my life was when I stopped trying to deny my reality - listening to your intuition can be like a freefall - no one but you can ever know or tell you - it is a deep trust without any outside proof.”

Lucille Loffredo is a music school dropout, Jewish trans lesbian, and veterinary assistant doing her best to make sure each day is better than the last. Lucille tries to find the music rather than make it. She lets it tell her what it wants to do and what it wants to be. The Wandering EP was in part written as a way to come out to herself. She asks all listeners to please be gentle.

“Change will come, and it will be good. You are who you think you are, no matter how far it seems.”

Whitney Lorenze generally works without reference, making thick, graphic pictures with precise forms conceived almost entirely from her imagination. Images like a slowly rolling car crackling out of a driveway, afternoon sun rays shining through a cloud of humidity, or headlights throwing a lined shadow across a black bedroom inspire her.

“As it concerns my own practice and the creation of artworks generally, I would define intuition as the ability to succumb to some primal creative impulse. Of course, this implies also the ability to resist the temptations of producing a calculated or contrived output.”

Ellie Mesa began teaching herself to paint at the age of 15, exploring landscapes and portraiture. Her work has evolved into a style of painting influenced by surrealism where teddy bears will morph into demons and vice versa. Her work speaks to cuteness, the grotesque, and mystical beings. The painting "Kali" is an homage to the Hindu goddess of creation,  destruction, life and death. This was Ellie's first painting after becoming sober and is an expression of the aforementioned forces in her own life. Through meditations on Kali, Elli has been able to find beauty in the cycle of love and loss.

“To me, intuition means doing the thing that feels right whether or not it's what you want it to be. When I'm painting or making a sculpture, I give myself the freedom to follow what feels right, even if that means starting over or changing it completely. I allow the piece to present itself to me instead of forcing something that doesn't want to be.”

Mari Ogihara is a sculptor exploring duality, resilience, beauty, and serenity as experienced through the female gaze. Her work is informed by the duality of womanhood and the contradictions of femininity. In particular, the multitude of roles we inhabit as friend, lover, sister, and mother and their complex associations to the feminine perspective.

“Intuition is an innate, immediate reaction to an experience. While making art, I try to balance intuition, logic, and craftsmanship.”

All Of Me Is War by Ames Valaitis addresses the subconscious rifts society initiates between women, estranging them from each other and themselves.

“It is an unspoken, quick, and quiet battle within me as the feeling of intuition purely, and when I am making a drawing. I am immediately drawn to poses and subject matter that reflect the emotion inside myself, whether it is loud or under the surface. If a line or figure doesn't move me, after working on it for a few minutes, I get rid of it. If something looks right to me immediately, I keep it; nurture it. I try to let go of my vision, let my instinct take hold. I mirror this in my life as I get older, choosing who and what to put my energy into. The feeling is rarely wrong; I'd say we all know inherently when it is time to continue or tap out.”

Chardel Williams is a self-taught artist currently living in Bridgeport. Her biggest inspiration is her birthplace of Jamaica. Chardel views painting as a method for blocking out chaos. Her attraction to the medium springs from its coalescence of freedom, meditative qualities, and the connection it engenders. rears.

“Intuition for me is going where my art flows. I implement it in my practice by simply creating space and time to listen. There are times when what I'm painting is done in everyone else's eyes, but I just keep picking at it. Sometimes I would stop painting a piece and go months without touching it. Then, out of nowhere, be obsessed with finishing. I used to get frustrated with that process, but now I go with it. I stopped calling it a block and just flow with it. I listen because my work talks.”

[temporary-dysphoria]

I've been seeing a few more callouts for fatphobia and weight related biases (which is great) and I feel like now is a good time to add my voice to the masses because no matter how much people want to try and spin it otherwise - weight related bias (and in particular, self bias) is real, its toxic, and it causes severe harm!

I have a few lenses that I go through life with. I'm almost completely openly bisexual, which comes with its own share of biases. I'm non-binary at the best of times. I'm also 'fat'. When you look at me, I'm a large person.

And of all of these lenses, you know which one effects me the most, and causes the most trouble in my day to day life? Not my bisexuality or gender presentation, which you'd think would cause me the most issues given that I live in a small hick country town. No, its my 'fatness'.

For context, I've always been big. My family is big. I started dieting before I hit high school. When I got my first job at 15, my own mother told me I'd probably need to start saving up for weight loss surgery, because I 'couldn't be big my whole life, I'd never find a partner'. At 15.

I was an already unstable teenager who's mental health was about to get absolutely stamped through the floor. I am almost completely certain that a large portion of my mental health problems could have been avoided had I not been made to feel subpar by my own mother - who was merely parroting what she thought was the right thing regarding health at the time. I was fortunate enough that I escaped my teenage years without an ED, though honestly looking back, its a miracle that I did.

And I want to make it perfectly clear that when I say I was a big teenager, I wasn't even "that" big at the time. I was average. I was a size 14-16AU and made to feel like I was a size 24.

So I spent my teenage years terrified of "growing". If my body so much as changed shape it was terrible because 'I might get bigger'. This is the mentality I had to live with from myself for years. Please tell me how that is any way shape or form, healthy for a growing child. (Spoiler alert. Its not.)

Fast forward to 2 psychiatrists later and now even though I'm aware of my own intrinsic bias towards myself, it's so damn ingrown from years of self-critical monologues that even professional help has trouble shaking it.

I'm an adult now. I Powerlift and compete in Strongman competitions because I started training with a PT and she recognised pretty early on that I had a natural affinity for strength sports.

I carry muscle easily. I've done body scans and of my 130kgish weight, 72kg of that is lean muscle. At 5'4 to reach my ideal BMI, I'd have to lose all my fat, all my bones and roughly 10kg of lean muscle to be labelled "healthy". This is the mindset that is still being perpetrated through the medical field to this day.

When I see a GP about my anxiety and depression, the first thing that gets brought up is "have you considered doing some exercise and losing some weight to help your mental health?"

I weight train three times a week minimum. I do volume training which involves massive amounts of repetition and is basically cardio with weights attached. I'm not "unfit". I'm just fat.

I'm kinda of rambling now, but the point I'm trying to get across here is that despite all this, despite knowing that I'm for all intents and purposes an athlete, despite knowing that my body is largely muscle, despite knowing that my worth is in no way related to how much space I take up at all. I still can't shake my self bias. I still look in the mirror and see a fat person. And if I still do that. Someone who's had help, who's had therapy, who works in a field where I see the research that comes out debunking BMI and the other outdated notions surrounding weight and medicine.

If I still can't shake the fact that 'my fatness' invades every facet of my life like a bad smell, then what hope does someone who doesn't have this have?

And that's the crux of the issue here. Until we start looking at the way we view body sizes systemically, we're going to continue to develop people like me. People who spend their whole lives under imaginary stressers because their bodies don't match the "percieved ideal". The fact that they might be 'fat' doesn't make them unhealthy. But the fact that they are living their lives under constant mental stressors does. And it needs to stop.

[canon-notcanon-warriorcats]

Im gonna come to you for this because you're honestly like an idol to me (Im sure you hate to hear that lmao) and I feel like you would understand. You're non-binary right? I can't remember if you spoke about it but you use "they/them" pronouns and Im gonna assume that for the sake of the question. Either way! I've been questioning identifying as something other than cis-gendered. How did you know? And have you told people? What's the difference between relating to and empathizing with a problem

oh my god klsnalksm;lakdns;am i’m so honored thank you, but really i’m no one to idolize i’m an unemployed adult who is stuck in life who makes jokes and shit posts about fictional cats but thank you sidjk;lsz;

sorry this took so long to answer i was too tired and i wanted to think on it for a while so i can answer everything well and be at least hopefully a little organized and my answers/explanations to be legible

also this is getting long so i’m putting the rest of this under the cut wheeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yes! I am (at least partially) non-binary, I’m genderfluid and for me in particular I’m a girl sometimes, both a boy and a girl mixed together, and something in between all at once and at different times depending on who knows what, i’m like when you put soda in a cup and then put all of the different fountain drinks in at varying amounts and you do that each time you go to the restaurant but with different amounts of each soda, but like it’s USUALLY a pepsi base

anyway, it took me a long time to know, or i guess realize that i wasn’t cis because i guess i didn’t know i could? but in hindsight there were a LOT of signs and starting when i was 17 i think i started dipping my toes in different gender identities after i found out about the term “demigirl” and that’s what i kind of stuck with for a while

and then i questioned myself like am i really trans? i’m afab and identify as a demigirl does that really count (yes it does) but anyway after i went to college i was like no i think it’s just because several of my friends were questioning their gender, i’m a girl, and it wasn’t until a couple years ago that i finally FULLY realized “no, my gender is fluid, and i am a girl PLUS somethings between boy and girl and sometimes they all mixed together, sometimes all at once, sometimes individually (though very rarely FULL boy)

some things that i recognize in hindsight were signs (or were just weird foreshadows/coincidences of me being a mix of genders and it’s amusing now) include:

-when i was like 7 or 8 or 9 or something i made an image of what i’d look like as an adult in my head (or just older since in my fantasy i was 13 years old because that was obviously old enough to be a billionaire and own a castle and adopt children and a million animals and be a pokemon master, but i thought of an adult body) and my face was pretty feminine but my body shape was very masculine, flat chest, rectangular body shape, wore men-styled-ish jeans, and thickish arms

-in 7th grade for “some reason” i spent several moments thinking about what would happen if one day i came in as a boy named michael (since that’s kInD oF the “male” or “masculine” version of my name) and if like they’d recognize me or if they’d change my name on the registration or if anyone’d get confused or anything, this was also the year i found out that sex changes were a thing, i think, either 7th grade or 6th grade

-and the big one(s) for like my ENTIRE LIFE, even to this day, i would feel so confused if a girl talked to me like i was another one of the girls, specifically if they would like ask if their shirt tag was poking out and asking me to fix it, or ask if their bra strap could be seen through their shirt, asking me if their hair or clothes looked okay, asking to walk to the bathroom with them, GOING to the girls’ bathroom in general, chaning in the girls’ sometimes even being called a girl entirely, etc. made me feel

weird

like an “i’m not one of you” or “i’m not entirely like you” feeling and i thought that it was just because i’m awkward and shy and anxious that i went into the wrong room and then later oh i’m just gay and then to my realization: “oooooooooooooooooooooooooooh that’s why” and “oh, i was anxious i went into the wrong bathroom/changing room, but i also felt like i shouldn’t be in that room anyway because i’m not just a girl or not entirely a girl”

i also have and had a lot of dreams where like i was either a guy, felt almost genderless entirely, or where i would for some reason go into male bathrooms/changing rooms even though i’m not a guy (entirely or mostly)

also i i realized my favorite shirts were the ones that made my boobs look smaller or less existent, my voice would confuse me, either it being too high or low and make me confused uncomfortable because it “didn’t fit” my gender, and sometimes being called a girl or someone saying i looked like a woman made and makes me uncomfortable, and i guess the most nsfw/graphic part of this is that sometimes i fantasize and/or wish i had like

a mix of genitalia and i wish i could change my breast size and upper body shape to be flatter/more rectangular, but it’s mostly the genitalia thing, the body shape changing parts don’t happen ALL the time and not as much, but still sometimes especially if i see someone’s more masculine body and i’m just like “wow i wish that were me”, though being overweight kind of helps in that because my body shape looks more neutral, if i was thin i might have more problems with that

also, especially lately for some reason i get very irritated or uncomfortable if certain people call me a girl or she/her, very certain people i’m okay with calling me a girl and she/her but to people i don’t know well or aren’t super close to i don’t want to be referred to as she/her i don’t want to be perceived as she/her i want to be referred to as they/them

a lot of people have much more intense feelings and it’s more obvious, but they can often times be a lot more subtle and it’s okay if you don’t have INTENSE feelings of dysphoria, there’s also gender euphoria, which i think i, personally, experience more than dysphoria

i like it when people act or refer to me gender neutrally, i like it when my chest looks flatter, i like it when people use they/them for me, i like it when i feel content about knowing that i’m not cis and that i’m a mix of genders, i like thinking of myself as a gender mutt/mix or whatever, it feels GOOD, euphoric

i guess it’s hard to tell if you’re empathizing or relating, and i can’t tell you which one it is since i don’t know the particulars and i don’t know you, but what i DO know, is like 99% of time, if someone has to ask themselves “am i cis?” or “am i straight?” the answer is “no” because cis or straight people almost never even think about it or question their identity and even if the answer DOES end up being “yes, i am cis” then that’s absolutely perfectly completely valid and fine, you figured out who you are and you were in a mindset and in a safe enough space that you could figure it out for yourself and find out more about yourself

and finally, as for the telling people thing, it depends on the situation, i don’t really talk about it in real life, none of my biological family knows because my parents have shown pretty transphobic and nbphobic tendencies and if i told my brother or his fiancee then they’d start treating it like it’s some special thing and basically do that straight people thing where they like overcompensate being happy for you or supporting you or where they start talking about their other friends who aren’t straight or aren’t cis and famous people or characters that aren’t cis or straight and like i can’t deal with that

all of my friends know though, and i’m open about online and i don’t have any significant other(s) to tell but if/when i get in a relationship and on dating apps i’m explicit that i’m non-binary and genderfluid and basically not cis and before i get in a relationship i plan on talking to them about it and being like “hey if you see me as a cis girl this will not work out” they’ll also have to respect my sexuality of course and see me AS bisexual and demiacearo, not straight if i’m dating a guy and not a lesbian if i’m dating a girl, never date someone who doesn’t respect your gender or identity or doesn’t see you as who you are, or won’t let you have some wiggle room to let you figure out who you are, so that’s an extra piece of advice there for ya

i hope that made enough sense! sorry this was long and i might have blabbered on, but i hope at least some of this helps!

[writinglionqueen]

Something I wanted to share since it was pride month; my coming out story.

For the record, you as an individual do not have to come out if you are not safe/comfortable coming out. It takes a lot to come out sometimes and, sometimes, staying in the closet is safer than coming out. Do so when you are safe. With that, this can be long and emotional for some so put your mental health first if you feel like coming out stories can be triggering for some so please don’t read if it might. There’s not a lot of bad in this story, but I don’t know how others may perceive my story. (Also, as a note, a lot of my language is kinda informal in terms of finding all this out...that’s kinda the point. I was learning who I was throughout the entirety of my life and this is kinda how I rationalized who I was and how I observed everything and how I came to terms with it)

If you didn’t read my header, I’m bi. I’ve been out since 2016. I will explain the process of me figuring it out and how I told everyone. 

So, I think I knew I was different from elementary school. I would call myself a tomboy and be “one of the guys.” I didn’t like the things the other girls liked; i.e. Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, and Justin Beiber. Instead, I always played with the boys (this could also be because I couldn’t find a girl who was into the same things as me). I would play kickball (even if I sucked). I would play Pokemon and pretend to be superheroes with the three boys I hung out with. Elementary school was also the first time I remembered WWE being a tiny portion of my life. I would pretend to be Kelly Kelly and pretend to beat up the boys (we obviously couldn’t wrestle on the blacktop so we pretended to fight bad guys as WWE people). But I was always that girl who didn’t like to be girly. Not by a long shot so I associated myself with boys and kinda had the thought process that overly girly-girls had cooties (yikes to little me). 

In elementary school, I was pretty sure my art teacher was “different.” What I mean by this, and my twin and I talked about it a little more recently in life than when we were in elementary school, because she had incredibly short hair, kinda like a boy style. My twin had recently told me that she doesn’t ever remember out art teacher ever referring to her SO other than partner. Looking back at her now, I am pretty sure she was/is a lesbian. I liked her though. She was creative and made me laugh during the scathes amount of art classes we had with her. (So she could technically be my first interaction with a lesbian. I can’t confirm or deny since I’ve been trying to find her on social media)

Moving into middle school, this was technically my first real experience around a lesbian. There was this girl who was the only one out. She was very much the “tom-boy” persona. As I knew of her in middle school, she had a girlfriend in the 8th grade who was super femme. During the 8th grade, one of my friends decided to have a sleepover and invite the two girls (even though she kinda grumbled about how she didn’t want the two alone.) So at the sleepover, all the girls were supposed to sleep in the large family sized tent they had set up for us. We hung out in it until the early morning, until then some girls wanted to sleep while others played truth and are. Let’s just say, they dared the lesbian couple to make out, they did and it ended with the tom-boy lesbian fingering her femme girlfriend. It didn’t confuse me, but it did make me really think about those kinds of things. This is when sexuality was technically first introduced to me because I think I remember being turned on by what happened. 

In late elementary school to middle school. I had a downstairs neighbor who became my friend since she was a year older than me. I think I developed a crush on her since I would become quite jealous if her time wasn’t spent with me. I also thought about holding her hand and liking her. (I didn’t recognize that I liked her until recently when I thought about how long I’ve been bi.)

In high school, I remember there was this dancer who I technically recognized as being my first actual girl crush. I say this because I remember telling my twin one time that I thought she was pretty and my twin kinda laughed at me. She was one of those popular chicks and she kinda treated me like...I had a mental/learning problem (a lot of people I think did but that was because I was quiet and I think I asked a lot of stupid questions). She was the first I technically and literally thought about in a romantic/sexual way. But I never dated girls (and I still haven’t. I’ve dated two guys but...I wasn’t attracted to either at all)

Within this time, I discovered Tumblr and the ease of finding 18+ content when I shouldn’t have. (Most of us been there). With this content, though, this was the only way I discovered and explored my sexuality. (But with the limitations that I only got the sexual lens of wlw and mlm and not the romantic side of things, but for those who don’t know, many LGBTQ+ individuals struggle explorations due to the lack of resources so most of us figured out things through porn and other 18+ content). It technically helped me figure out masturbation as a woman and what I was attracted to and what I wasn’t but I always felt ashamed by it because I knew if I was caught I’d probably be shamed by my mother (more so for the 18+ content and masturbating but not the sexuality part). I think my twin is the only person I’ve ever told that I had a crush on a girl at this time. A lot of my friend group in high school (mainly those a year older) were queer in a way or an ally. They made me feel loved as I learned new terms within my high school years of the LGBT. So, closer to the end of my senior year, I knew I liked girls and I liked guys. 

For me, I never was afraid to come out. My mom/family had never given me a reason to be afraid of having a different sexuality. I’ve heard my mom verbally praise LGBTQ+ people before I came out. 

So when I moved to college, grew a little on my own, I knew who I was. During national coming out day of 2016, I made a quick Facebook post saying that “I’m pretty sure I’m bi.” 

I didn't feel afraid, but I was nervous about the reactions of my family and friends that I tuned in on the comments and likes and loves my post got. No one was mean or upset or called me names. The reaction of my mom was not something I was thinking about. I wasn’t dreading it. I wasn’t terrified to hear what she had to say. She never had given me a reason to be afraid. 

Instead, she told me she was proud. That she wasn’t mad or upset that I was me. And that she still loved me no matter what. 

So it was out there that I was bi. 

When I went home for Thanksgiving break, closer to that time, we went out to eat sushi closer to the end of it. The topic of relationships and stuff came about. I think my parents were discussing with my younger sisters that they just wanted to make sure my little sisters were safe. I remember distinctly that my mom said she didn’t have to worry about me, but she also didn’t know if I had a boyfriend or girlfriend where I was staying for college. it made my heart full to hear my mom say that and acknowledge it out loud. 

During the summer between my sophomore and junior year, something went sour. I don’t know why it came up, why it needed to come up but my mom was talking to my sisters and me about the things she technically found annoying that we do. 

My fault in her eyes is that I’m very opinionated and I have the egotistical mindset that I’m always right. (I am opinionated, I’ll give her that, but I never ever said out loud that I think I’m always right. The air that I probably radiate this mindset I will admit to but) In lieu of this...she says out loud, that I am not bisexual. My heart shatters and I close myself off. 

Her reasoning for telling me this is to not think of my sexuality as being the only part of me. I didn’t think I ever gave the air that my sexuality is my only identifier but she wanted to talk to me that it isn’t my only identity. 

But, she also states that I can’t claim myself to be bisexual because I’ve never experienced sex with either gender (a surprise from your girl, I’m a virgin). She negates my sexuality because she feels as though she has more life experience to tell me that I am not bisexual, just bicurious. Wrong. Big wrong. (During my sophomore year, my mom and my stepdad cheated on each other, which lead to us finding out my mother is also bisexual but she could never be upfront about it because of our family friends) But, in her eyes, I can not claim my own sexuality because of my virginity to either sex and because she, as an older bi woman, says so because of her experience. 

Let me tell you, because of her telling me this, I had the worst breakdown I’ve ever experience in my life. We had the talk again with my stepdad (he wasn’t present for the first time) in which case he reiterates what my mom told me. I can’t be bisexual because I never had sex before. But both were trying to just tell me to not let my sexuality be my only part of my identity that I cling to. 

But as he was saying this, I got a panic attack and I didn’t want to listen to a word he had to say and I’m muttering I don’t want to hear it as I basically sob in my living room. Yeah...that’s the worst feeling I’ve ever felt in my life and I still think about it to this day. 

Because of my parents basically trying to negate my sexuality and not let me identify myself (I would rather not say that I know I like girls because I fantasize about them in various scenarios [pretty sure my mom or my stepdad asked what I’d do if I didn’t like girls as I thought...as if it’ll change]), I basically had shut down that part of myself and being a LGBTQ+ voice in front of them. 

On social media, however, I’m vocal about LGBTQ+ related things...but, sometimes, I feel like I’m being/claiming bisexual to spite them. And I don’t want to feel like I am. That’s not fair to me. 

Sometimes, I fear wearing my LGBTQ+ Balor shirt in public...sometimes, I still fear my mom will not revert back to the comment she made about me liking boys and girls. 

I never confronted her that these emotions are things I still face even though it’s been almost a year since my mom had said that to me. I feel like I overreacted on everything but I’m still stagnant on my sexuality since I get to decide who I am and what I identify as. As I feel that everyone should be able to do. 

I wrote this technically for myself, so I can understand that hey, maybe I knew I was bi all along and never really knew it (which….I felt like I figured it out). 

To those who are closeted, to those who are out and know the feeling, and to those who are not LGBTQ+ identifying: you never stop coming out. 

I still have to remind some people that I also like girls and that my framework isn’t only hung up on men. Sometimes, I have to remind people that f*g and f*ggot are words I will not tolerate being said (even though I’ve never been personally bullied with them). I still have to remind people that EVERYONE experiences their coming out differently and that they are still trying to figure themselves out daily. I have to remind people that there are those who are fluid about their identity and that there are those who are stagnant on how they identify themselves as. These are things I still have to remind people because the world doesn’t necessarily hand this info out to everyone. That needs to change. 

I wanted to share my story on the last day of pride months because....why not?

I’ve never shared it before and coming to terms with my sexuality and what it means to me has helped me processed a lot of how my past has shaped my future and who I am as a person today. 

By the way, I do love my mom. I really do. I feel like she messes up a lot when it comes to a lot of different things. 

Hopefully, I can tell her how much I still hurt when it comes to hearing her words in my head. Hopefully, I can do this soon, because that pain eats away at me sometimes. Her words haunt me and make me doubt myself and make me ask myself if I truly know who I really am or do other people know me better. (They don’t but those are the questions I may bring up to her if I ever want to talk about this)

I’m bisexual and that is not going to change or be vilified by someone else’s experiences on my identity to fit their means or their experiences. And if I’m wrong, hey I’m wrong (I’m not though. Not this time.)

So take my story as you will. Comment if you like if you can compare my story to yours of if you want to share your experiences and hardships, go for it. I just needed to get this off my chest. And, hey, I’m down to hear other people’s life experiences in terms of how they found out they were LGBTQ+ and how others received them. Or if anyone as kind words to me, I’d take that as well. 

Thanks to any who read this and have shown me support. 

I love you all. 

-Your friendly bisexual writer, Bri

[multibear]

the danger of speculations

one part of dan’s video that really stuck out to me was the part about speculating peoples’ sexualities, and the whole “lol wbk” thing. he’s so right. when you speculate things like that, you are either harassing someone who is actually straight or cis or whatever, or you are depriving an lgbtq person of the ability to introspectively explore their own identity before coming out on their own terms, and pressuring them to come out. straight people really don’t understand how damaging this is.

it doesn’t matter if someone is or isn’t gay, if people so much as think they are gay they will be harassed all the same. nobody should be subject to harassment based on sexuality or even assumption of sexuality. i was physically and verbally harassed for the first time when i was 12. a kid i’d known for a few years who i was stand partners with often, who always pushed my sheet music on the floor and poked me with his bow, pushed me to the ground and yelled at me, “nobody likes gay people. nobody likes trans people.” i wasn’t affected personally. i had thick skin and knew he was being ignorant, but i was afraid. i had never told him in particular anything about my identity, but that didn’t matter to him. whatever people said i was, i was.

i remember when i was in middle school and unsure about my gender. i finally seized a moment of courage to tell some my friends about this during science class one day in seventh grade. they weren’t even close friends. they were just there when the moment came. i remember, one of them was the girl who made me realize i’m not straight. she came out as bi in sixth grade and i had no idea what “bisexual” meant. i looked it up and i finally found a word that came close to describing me. after that, an lgbt account popped up in my instagram explore page and i was suddenly learning about different sexualities and gender identities and finding words to describe myself. anyways, i saw these people and decided to admit, “i don’t think i care abut gender. i don’t care about pronouns or anything at all.” except i didn’t. i said, “i’m trans,” and when asked about my pronouns i panicked, thinking that “anything” and “unsure” would make them think i wasn’t real or something, and said, “he and him.”

maybe i could have backtracked. maybe, at a later time, i could have said that i’m “actually kind of unsure and questioning” to that small group i initially “came out” to and the other friends i came out to directly following that moment, riding on the high of feeling satiated and freed from something i was taught to think to myself was a secret i was harboring from others. that didn’t happen. soon, word got around, but it was okay, because i came out, right? it’s okay that everyone knows now, right? this is what i wanted, right? coming out is freeing, right? otherwise, i’m just living a lie, right?

the first time someone i didn’t directly come out to called me by the pronouns and name i used at that time, i was terrified. this was a personal, confusing part of my life that suddenly everyone knew about. it only got worse. that same day, my english teacher asked my if i preferred to be called another name because a friend of mine in one of her earlier classes was talking about how excited she was that her friend [redacted lol] was back in the country. looking back, i was probably very obviously lying, and very obviously fearful when i shook my head and quickly said no. then, a girl sitting nearby harmlessly said, “but you do,” to which i replied, even quicker, “no i don’t.” i doubt my teacher bought it. that wasn’t the first or last time something similar had happened. but it was okay, because i had come out, right? this is what i prefer, right? i realize now, i didn’t get to come out. i was outed. i didn’t feel accepted, i felt exposed.

i crawled back into my closet a little bit. i mentioned questioning if i was a lesbian, because i wanted people to think, “hey, maybe sexuality isn’t the only thing being questioned here.” on a related note, i never was able to formally come out as any sexuality. it was always assumed i was gay ever since people found out about my other questionings. continuing onwards, by high school, people didn’t know what to call me. it was a mixture of different names and pronouns and i gave nobody any answer whatsoever. i was in my closet, and it’s the best thing i ever did. for the first time, i had my personal life personal again, and i could really figure myself out without the pressure of all these people thinking they know who i am. i could confidently say, “i don’t know.” if i didn’t know, then nobody else needed to know.

when i was 15 i started dating a girl. my mom found out. she was looking through my stuff without my permission and found a love letter. she asked me how i felt about her. i told her that she’s my best friend. i knew she was suspicious. she was asking about crushes, she was even asking about my guy friend who i have said is like a brother to me. i was pressured to tell her after five minutes of silence: “she’s my girlfriend.” it wasn’t liberating. it wasn’t freeing. it was enclosing and suffocating. i wasn’t ready at all, but i knew she knew. she said, “break up with her.” she doesn’t want her daughter to date girls.

there was only one time when i had ever felt something truly freeing in regard to my identity. in middle school, when everyone knew about me before i knew they knew, and i was scared all the time that i would be outed to people that could change the way i live my life, i had a fight with my best friend during recess. she felt the need to tell me her mom hates trans people because that’s “not what god intended” and she too thought “it’s not normal.” i was angry and devastated at the same, so i went to rant to my other friend. we were swinging around the bare tether ball poles. it was then i found out, that despite everything happening literally right in front of her (i had literally came out to people right in front of her while i was on the initial rush of telling my friends after telling that small group of three during science class), she was completely oblivious. at that moment, i came out to her, at least with what i thought of myself back then. i felt so naked, yet so comfortable. i was willingly laying all my thoughts and feelings out for her to see, and i felt safe. i didn’t have to be brave or courageous, i just had to be honest. that was the first and only time i ever came out to someone in a calm, comfortable, non adrenaline invoked space. it was one of the only times i came out rather than getting outed. it was the only time coming out ever felt liberating to me. to this day, it doesn’t matter that the first time i came out to her it was with a label that didn’t fit me, i can come out to her again and again. i can tell her whatever nuance i feel because i was never pressured with her. i can always go “wait, never mind” with her because that important, pivotal moment i had with her was in a calm mindset, in a safe environment.

despite everything that has happened, i am lucky. i am so lucky that i was outed to a mostly accepting environment. i am so lucky that i even had one person that could make coming out feel comfortable, yet bare, and so freeing (she had one grievance, though. that i had told her brother in that group of three during science class in seventh grade before i told her. she should know that with her brother, though, i was more exposed than comfortable, unlike how i felt with her). i am lucky that i was able to take a moment to enclose myself for my own introspection, then realize that i’m not what people have thought of me, and then for those people to be okay with it. 

being deprived of the opportunity to introspect and come out on my own accord was absolutely horrible, but it’s even worse for people who don’t get to have the luck i had. so please, please let this show you the effects of speculating someone’s identity. please let this show you that responding to people coming out with “wbk” and “not surprised” is more scary than it is accepting. please let this show you that you don’t have to tell people your identity for them to hate you for it. please let this show you that coming out is something a person nurtures on their own until the time is right, not something that should be pressured or forced. please let this show you that outing someone doesn’t show your support, it only shows your disregard to a person’s trust and level of comfort. everyone deserves to live who they are when they want. making speculations deprives both lgbtq and non-lgbtq people of that.

[kiicn-blog]

did you hear about the monaco trip? it’s legendary at ucla. KIAN KANG is going, i’m so jealous. their instagram makes it seem like they’re pretty dynamic and they’re all about “do what you do best” & texts left on read. can you believe they’re only twenty-three and they’re going on a free trip to monaco for the summer? hopefully they don’t let their aloof side show too much on the trip. • HAS FIVE SIBLINGS • BROKE UP WITH PARTNER OF THREE YEARS TWO MONTHS AGO

uh henlo, quick intro before i disappear for the evening and write my second paper :( you won't see me till like tuesday :(( afternoon :( after class :(( anyways LMAO i'm aye ! i am twenty three :/ she/her pronouns and in the est timezone ! if u haven't already added me, add me on discord new girl could be the 1 for me#8402 , some of u added me and didnt come say hi so i hOPE after u read this u hit me up :( bc . i rly dont kno who is who tht added me JKFMGDSG dont be shy i do not bite :DDD

okay ima keep this fairly simple, let's start w stats ! 

full name: kian kang, no middle name, call him kk haha nickname(s): kiki, k, ki, do not call him ian he won't ever talk to you again, respect his vegan white ass name age: 23. date of birth: november 2nd 1995. hometown: new york, new york. ethnicity: korean. gender: cis male. sexuality: bisexual. hair colour: black. eye colour: brown. height: 5'11. tattoos: has a tattoo of a lion on his right index finger and a tiny heart behind his left ear. piercings: ears, three on the right, two on the left.

okay quick background ! im not gna write a lot and keep it brief bc ive been writing for school and my brain is DEAD i dnt have the mindset to go into depth bout anything but if u wnna know anything else just ask 

kian comes from a well off background like his mom ? a sugar DADDY ! like his dad married into MONEY !

they live in greenwich village in NYC n tht area is so expensive so u can say he had a nice upbringing, went to the best school

anyways ! quick family talk, his dad rly didn't love his mom , and rly only married for money and security and when kian was born he wanted kian to have all the things and opportunities in life that he didnt so he stayed w his mom

n his dad ? gay as FUCK kept tht hidden for god knows how long

it wasnt till kian was like 15 when he was like o ? father thoust r gay huh

yeah so tht marriage ended LMAO and kian wasnt rly happy that his family broke up

at the wedding when they asked does anyone object ? he stood up and said ME bitch but he was joking but he wasnt joking he was serious , u can say hes .. happy .

he has two siblings, they're still babies, twins, they're like 12 thats baby ok he loves his siblings theyre annoying but loves them ! assuming the other three are gna be from the step sibling plot xoxo i can alter this

ok here's a rundown on  kian now

kian , is a very blunt individual like he can be straightforward about a lot of stuff, he doesnt rly sugarcoat his words, it's just how he was raised

sometimes he can come off mean but like it's just.. how he talks and sometimes he doesn't realize what he says is wrong he just says it like this man has never been told to shut up,

he was always favored in school for the way he talked but sometimes tht warranted eyebrows raising left and right but he was still adored for his stupidity and lack of sense

he's an alright kid , can be nice when he wants to be , gentle soul once u rly get past whatever walls he put up

like he doesn't like to show that side as often unless u LOVES u but i feel like he should have air signs in him ..hmm.. will think bout it KFMDG

what am i missing ..

i feel like i missing something,

oh comign from n y of c he's super into looking good, even when he bums it down he looks good, he'll also call u out on ur choices and be like ur wearing tht ? today ? yikes...

if u want an honest opinion he's not afraid to be honest , v brutal xoxo

i think thts it

anyways PLOTS

so. . this is a possible plot ! and im gna base it off the song 'the wall' by anders if u wanna go take a listen teehee anyways, imagine this . it's all lovey dovey for a year and it was going well like over the moon relationship like you almost think these two would have gotten married but then after the year mark, things began to go down the drain? they started to hang out less, fights would break out, sex that would follow the fights but like that's it.. tht was the only intimacy, and sometimes they'd pretend they're okay for a day or two but then have a complete fit over like idk the wrong food order, cheating speculations could have arose and then they really really tried to make it right their third year, trying to go over what went wrong but then they decided to call it quits BUUtt since it's a fresh wound, they could have some slip ups if ukno what i meaaan anyways yeah if u wnna do this xoxo pls be prepared to plot back FKDG

a possible familial relation, like cousin . only cousin really, obv ur chara would have to be korean or half korean but someone who just knows kian inside and out this could be like an angsty familial relationship or a good one

ok another anders based plot ! listen to don't call :)) anyways this one, sometime after his break up he decided to have a few hook ups here and there, meaningless ofc but this specific hook up left a mark on him , maybe by the way they talked to him , he kept coming back for the four second intimacy, it left him confused n dazed , confused bc why am i feelin weird i just had a heartbreak

honestly im just down if anyone just wants to have a simple hook up plot thts cool too no thinking just lmk ! bc he's had a few after his breakup

enemies / ppl who don't get along ? idk kian could have come off COMPLETELY wrong and ur chara could have taken it the wrong way, insults were thrown here and there and they just don't talk with kindness

a sugar baby ! kian got MONEY ! i told u his mom ? a sugar daddy xoxo he doesnt mind spoiling ppl but only one he aint tht generous also u have to build a relationship with him if u want him to spoil u

uh thts it if u have any other plots just lmk xoxo we dont have to just do these

[dangerliesbeforeyou]

dan made me do it

(lol jk, but like i have Feelings(tm) about my sexuality and everything & figure this is the best time and place to do it...)

So I figured out I was bisexual a little over 5 years ago, after discovering it was a legitimate thing I could call myself whilst being on tumblr (2014 was a big time for lgbt discourse, especially in terms of the various terms and labels, most of which I hadn’t been familiar with...)... but tbh, I’d been trying to come to terms with who I was in terms of my sexuality for a long time

I grew up in a religious house (my parents were jehovah’s witnesses), but I never really remember anything vaguely homophobic being thrown around? And even if it did exist, I wouldn’t have been aware of it since I never had any question or doubt in my mind about the fact I was attracted to boys (I’d had a rly intense crush on this one boy for about 5 years through primary and secondary school... I still sometimes see his pics on facebook & u know what? I still would lol anyway...) my early days in school were mostly taken up by trying to get friends not be a total recluse (I’ve always had trouble making friends and connecting to people it’s no biggie it’ ss fineee........ ok carry on>>)

So going into secondary school I never felt that I was anything other than straight? But one thing I vividly remember was the way people in my year treated girls that were suspected to be gay... in short? they were seen as ‘dirty’... it was something perverted, and highly sexualised... (as in: being a lesbian meant masturbating a lot... (i mean: this says something about wider misogyny & demonising of female pleasure but like.. another time, another time) & also making out loads with other girls)...  like no one ever came up and said ‘being gay is wrong’, but whenever rumours spread about a girl being suspected as gay and they didn’t deny them, people would suddenly start whispering about them... & it’s super strange to me that this was the same culture that if two female friends were really close and got labelled as gay, but came out and were like ‘oh no we’re straight ha ha we just kiss at parties and touch each others boobs’ or whatever, people would be completely ok with it?

So I never really gave myself the opportunity to go into this... I was never comfortable enough to be super ‘close’ to any of my female friends (intimacy issues: we don’t have to to get into all THAT right now though lol ahahaha....ha...) & I knew I wasn’t so called ‘skanky’ like all the girls who were labelled as being actually gay...

& this was all happening as I found myself actually being interested in looking at girls... (like what can I say? boobs are friggin nice to look at lol...) But i always saw it as innocent intrigue, since I was only 11/12 at the time so hadn’t grown into my own at the time... and the fact I felt more comfortable being touched by or talking to or like literally doing anything with girls? it’s just cos boys are gross there’s no other reason behind it!!.... right?

I think a big thing is that a lot of girls are so open with each other... like they’ll compliment each other’s boobs or asses, or comment on how pretty they are or their makeup skills or whatever.. you’ll be hard pressed to find a girl that goes all ‘no homo’ on her friend except.... I feel like that was me lol? I remember getting compliments from other girls about my appearance (didn’t happen often though pffft) or anything really and feeling all mushy inside, and giving the compliments back felt like a big deal to me? idk I suppose all the warning signs were there that hidden under layers of introverted awkwardness was a lil bi demon just waiting to come out lol!

So yadyyada, 2014 happens and I finally realise I’m bi... I just remember reading something on here about bisexuality and being like ‘oh damn yeh... dat me??’... like it felt amazing to be able to finally accept that I actually like girls too?? & one of the first people I told was this guy I became friends with when I first went to college... & he told me he was also bi and I remember thinking ‘wow!!!!! so it’s actually real?! it’s not just something you see on tumblr from random strangers, it’s an actual thing people I know irl experience wowwowowow’... I also came out to another online friend who I was close to, and it felt really amazing... but I could never translate that into actually coming out in real life (not to mention life was kinda shit at this time and I had like 0 friends but hEY, that’s not for now kiddos lol)...

So yeh, I’ve never actually come out to anyone... not properly anyway... I’ve always been very open about my sexuality online, but in real life I’ve never really discussed it with ... anyone? & it’s not because I’m ashamed in anyway, and it’s not even as if I’m that scared I just... I’ve never felt the need to? But after seeing Dan’s video, plus it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, this is something I really wanna do... see; I was so ready to live life just being ‘straight until I maybe get a girlfriend one day’, so ready to only tell people if they ask me but I just realised... isn’t that partly living a lie? who I’m with doesn’t change my sexuality, so why is it something I’m seemingly so scared of declaring to the world??

I vividly have this memory, before I realised I was bi, and I have no idea of why or when or any of the details, but me and my mum were watching something, and bisexuality was mentioned, and either my mum agreed with, or she said something along the lines of ‘bisexuals are more likely to cheat’, and that’s really stuck with me.... it’s something that’s always nagging in the back of my mind, and it... really fucking hurts lol... I know for a fact my mum will love my regardless of who I end up sleeping with or whatever, she may be pretty conservative in her mindset of things but she’s always willing to be open minded which I really love about her... but knowing this inbuilt stereotype of bisexuality is something she both acknowledges and somewhat agrees with is really... sad...

I’m 21 years old, I’ve been in one relationship in my life which only last a few months and involved no kissing and only occasional hand holding because I was too terrified to do any more (again: subject for aNOTHER day lol), and I know for a goddamn FACT that my sexuality would never make me more likely to be unfaithful to someone I claim to love...I really hate that this is associated with the label, but it’s something I know that I am...  why on earth would I change that or try to be something else when I know that /this/ is me!

I think one of the biggest things putting me off ‘coming out’ is having to explain yourself... like dan howell made a 45 minute long video discussing his own sexuality and experiences cos he knew people wouldn’t just accept it if he just tweeted ‘yo dawgs imma queer lol #swag’ one day, and it feels kinda annoying that queer people/lgbtq+ people feel like we can’t just...... be ourselves without having to justify or explain it?! (even me making this post is solidifying that factor lol... it’s a mess lol)... like I just wanna live my life being bi, is that so much to ask for lol?

I am so so SO grateful we have so much more bi, and lgbtq+ in general, representation in media these days.... it’s goddamn beautiful to see our stories, and the stories of our community being told and cherished by millions, and that’s really gotta be something to rejoice in this pride month!!!

(side note: dan also talks about gender identity & I have literally never related to anything more lol... like 90% of the time I don’t feel like what people classify as ‘womanly’ things... but also I am a woman? idk man lol just call me a formless blob or whatever it was he said lol as a baby no one really knew if I was a girl or boy since my mum mainly dressed me in yellow & I had like 2 strands of hairs on my head lol... damn I miss those days lol)

In conclusion (or tl;dr as I’ve seen the Cool people write on their long posts (yes I had to google what it meant shhhh)):

Hi, my name is Xanthe, my username is ‘dangerliesbeforeyou’ here on tumblr because I made it 7 years ago and I wanted to use a cool sounding harry potter quote so I could come across as sophisticated but also nerdy, I’m a 21 year old female (mostly?) and I am a proud Bisexual...

I’m also single and very ready to mingle if anyone is interested ;;;;;;;;;)

(that’s only half a joke lol... plz romance me I’m v lonely)

[just-one-kid]

Hey, my name is Eren and I am genderfluid and grey-ace/Biromantic. There isn’t really a story for finding out I’m grey-ace, so I’m leaving it out.

I don’t know how to start this so I hope it’s understandable...

My story starts sometime during 2nd grade, when I had my first crush. It was on this girl, who I’ll call Ayana, who lived on my street. At the time, all this meant to me was that I liked girls, not guys, and I didn’t yet know of the prejudice that gay people faced.

Then onto third grade, when I develop a crush on this guy, Caleb. I’d learned by then from eavesdropping and YouTube videos that people could be gay or straight, but if you were gay you were going to hell. This scared me, so when I started liking guys, I thought I was safe. Now fast-forward to fifth grade, when I had learned that it’s ok to be gay since my dad had a boyfriend and my dad was a good person(of course). But I still thought I was straight- that was, until I got a crush on another girl - I’ll call her Cara - about 4 months into the school year and realized I liked both girls and guys.

That summer, I told my group of friends, Cara, Sara, and Destiny, in the group chat that I was Bisexual. I can’t remember exactly how cara and Sara reacted, but it wasn’t bad. Destiny, though, went on to say that I couldn’t know for sure if I hadn’t had sex with both a girl and a guy and that I would be pregnant by 13 if I really was Bi.

And I thought that was it. I was simply a cisgender, bisexual, female.

That mindset faded faster than my hair color after swimming.

I saw stuff online about there being mulie gender identities, not just male and female. At first, I thought “there’s no way I’m not female. Sure I may feel masculine or neutral sometimes, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t a girl, right?

Well, the more I looked into it, the more I seemed to relate. The one I related to the most was genderfluid. I’m still not very confident with my view of the descriptions of each, I may be viewing it wrong, but all I know is that while oftentimes I feel like a girl, other times I feel like a guy, or like neither. I tried DIY binding a year ago and felt confident with my identity, but have yet to come out about it. I’m openly Biromantic though, so at least I can be myself when talking about crushes, and a third myself otherwise.

Anyway this was a very long rant telling about how I learned I was Biromantic and Genderfluid. Sorry if it doesn’t make sense, I kind of rushed. Technically, it’s still ongoing, since I’m still learning about myself (I’m only 14) but I felt it would be a good experience to share my story with the void.

[emphoenixcat]

Hey, I was wondering if I could have a bit of advice on figuring out your sexuality. After following you for a while, I kinda trust you. So, all do my life I thought I was straight. I always had crushes on boys, so I felt like I knew what I was. But recently, I have kinda felt different. It’s like I kinda like girls but I’m not sure. Any advice? (Sorry you just seem like you would understand). Thank you ~A confused Anon

I totally understand. But before I get into how I figured out how I wasn’t straight, I would just like to assure you that you do not have to put a label on your sexuality if you’re not comfortable with it.

That being said, I didn’t always regard myself as bisexual or queer because it’s rather difficult to find and accept yourself when society is constantly telling you what is and isn’t normal. (Looking back on it now, I tried my best to meet standard gender roles and heterosexual expectations because I was scared of being seen as different). I think I really started questioning myself in high school. It was like I knew but I didn’t know, ya know? Lol I remember thinking that I wouldn’t mind if a girl had a crush on me and I wouldn’t mind going out with her if she was beautiful and kind. I think I just sorta shoved that thought away though. I figured that if I was bi, I could “fix” it by just dating guys. That was literally my mindset back in high school. Luckily, overtime I started to realize that that wasn’t how sexuality worked. Even if you’re in a relationship, hiding a crucial part of who you are is pretty unhealthy. I think once I started realizing that my parents and many other adults were capable of having faulty views of the world, I started to find myself more. At some point, I decided that I wasn’t going to let them tell me who I could and couldn’t be.

I don’t know if you relate to that or not, but I think that’s why it’s so important for people to be told from a young age that every sexuality is valid. 

And it’s okay to not be sure. As you can see I spent years not being sure either. My advice for you is to maybe look up different terms and see if anything sounds right to you. And if you can, talk to somebody close to you who is open and understanding. 

Remember, those who are questioning are still welcome in the LGBTQ+ famILY. Anyone who says otherwise can fight me.

I’m sorry I can’t completely rid you of your confusion, anon. But at the end of the day, you’re the one who truly knows yourself the best. And nobody can take that away from you

[reliquariism-blog]

knowing your partner well makes writing together a lot easier .  tag this with the people you enjoy roleplaying with but want to get to know better.  (  REPOST , DO NOT REBLOG ! )

* BASICS

name. Lawliet. This is a writing alias, as I prefer not to unveil my true name since names give a person power...and I’m not about to give someone power. Just kidding. If we become friends you get my name, but as is, call me Lawliet or potato.

age. 20. I prefer to say I’m two decades old because it sounds cooler.

pronouns.  they/them. (I’m gender neutral, and chill, so I don’t care what pronouns you use so long as it’s respectful.)

sexuality. bisexual. I love my ladies and my mateys.

zodiac sign.  Pisces. I’m a fucking fish.

taken or single. I am single. I had someone take my number without my permission to awkwardly flirt with me, though...does that count as dating? No? Okay, then I’m single.

three facts.  1. I have six pets. I know, I know - SO MANY. 2. One of my favorite books of all time, Silver Linings Playbook, resulted in one of, in my opinion, the worst film adaptations of all time. The movie destroyed the ending, fight me. 3. I’m a cosplayer. I cosplay as, spoiler, Kylo Ren, and I sometimes go to conventions if I have the funds / the time to do so. (I also had a black Maine Coon named Kylo, but he disappeared a few months ago.)

* EXPERIENCE

platforms you’ve used. AOL e-mails. I role-played via e-mail with my best friend about ten+ years ago, and, yea, it wasn’t the best platform. But it was the only one I used. I got a tumblr two years ago, and then found a blog called @ask-kylo and decided to try my hand at this whole role-play thing. To bad it only took me nearly two years to get the serious role-play thing right.

best experience.  The ability to express myself creatively is certain something I’ve absolutely loved about role-playing. As someone who has a hectic life, I enjoy the ability to come online and write from the perspective of a character I love - whether they’re original or canon - and just unhinge for a while. It’s really been therapeutic. To add to this, I’ve loved the people I met. I’ve met amazing people through this site, and I’ve made friends, and it’s wonderful. It’s an experience that’s overall helped me crawl out of my introverted shell.

* MUSE PREFERENCE

female or male. I prefer non-binary muses, oddly enough. Maybe because I relate more to them. But between male or female, I really don’t care. I don’t have a preference when it comes down to it.

least favourite face(s). This one is tricky. Admittedly, I have some face-claims I’ve had bad experiences with who, but I wouldn’t let that push me to judge someone for using them. The only real time I dislike a face-claim is if the actor and/or actress are problematic.  multi or single. Pfft. I’ve done both. Frankly it depends on what my mood is. Some days I have the mental capacity to write for my multi-muse blogs, and other days I want to write for single.

* WRITING PREFERENCE

fluff, angst or smut. I’m having to mull over this, and really...I have no clue. Again, it comes down to what my mood is, but if I had to choose, I would say fluff or angst. I love emotionally driven threads and characterization and interactions. I love being fluffy and sweet, but I also enjoy the emotional tears that angst brings. I love torturing my muses, especially when they’re interacting with characters sharing in the suffering or bringing on the suffering.

plots or memes. Hmm. Well, I love to plot because it means I have a straightforward plan with my partner for what kind of thread we’re going to do, such as Point A to Point B, but I also love memes because they’re unpredictable and you never know what will happen. One of my favorite threads started as a random starter and then that got mixed in with plotting and became one of my favorites. It all just depends on what my mood is, who I’m role-playing with, and so on. You feel? But if I have to answer this question, I’m going to say plots.

long or short replies. Fuck. Um. Take a shot ever time I say “mood” or “depends.” Because replies really do depend on what kind of mood I have going on at the current day. I would say that I prefer both, since I find it easier to alternate between having both short threads and long threads. I like having long threads because I can really practice on my writing, in how creative I can get in style, the settings I can write about, the mindset of the character, and so on. But short is great because I can usually finish it within a few minutes, and have time to do other stuff. It’s just a matter of how much time and willpower I have to write. 

tagged by: @tachiisms tagging:  @ombrophillous, @paramounticebound, @kybcrhearted, @yggdrasilushxrt,@bellassan, @greatpxwer

[pfs-peridot]

Acephobia, Allosexuality, and what it means to be Queer

I’ve been meaning to provide a comprehensive overview of the so-called “ace discourse” that seems to course through the internet every few years, like a UTI that’s survived 3 half-hearted trials of antibiotics, only ever fading- never dying. As an asexual individual that has been out in this world since the Year of our Lord 2010, there have been wild misconceptions surrounding this issue for as long as I can remember. Let’s start with some basics, just for fun.

Disclaimer: As an alloromantic person, I will not be speaking in regard to aromantics. Most of this stuff can be generalized, sure, but I don’t want to act like I know what it’s like to be aromantic when I truly don’t. Write your own analyses! Speak out! Smash the cishetallopatriarchy!

Asexual? Like a plant?

No, I do not experience a sexual attraction to myself. No, not all asexuals masturbate, nor do all asexuals not masturbate. I have never once woken up with a clone of myself nestled beside me, having reproduced as a microorganism would. These may seem silly things to think in this year, but this was the majority of conversation when I first began to come out. Figured I might as well get them out of the way early on.

Asexuality is defined as a non-normative lack of sexual attraction to anyone regardless of gender. “Normative” is a handy little word that means “outside of the spectrum which is considered “normal” by society”. For example, the construct of cisnormativity implies that being cisgender is the “normative” state for an individual to be. Thus, in the definition, you can hopefully begin to see what’s so queer about asexuality. Here are some more terms the community has!

Sex-positive Ace: An asexual individual who does not mind having sex

Sex-negative Ace: An asexual individual who would prefer to have no sex at all

Sex-repulsed Ace: An asexual individual who abhors all forms of sexual contact- for some, this includes activities like visiting a gynecologist.

Demi-asexual/Demisexual: An asexual that can experience sexual attraction once they have reached a level of closeness with an individual.

Grey-asexual: An asexual that experiences some level of sexual attraction, though not nearly enough to be considered within the “normative” range

Allosexual: A person that experiences a normative level of sexual attraction. Consider this term to be much like the terms “white”, “cisgender”, “abled”, “heterosexual”, and the like. It’s not that it’s necessarily bad to be this way, it’s just that being this way protects you from the discrimination that asexuals experience. Some dislike the term because “it groups me in with heterosexuals!”, but truly any adjective does that. I don’t see people saying “don’t call me white, it groups me in with heterosexuals!”.

It is truly not up to a bystander to determine whether or not someone is asexual. Personally, I knew that I was the moment I saw the term. Many said things along the lines of “Oh, you’re 15, you just haven’t bloomed yet”. However, I wouldn’t say that the analysis that you must be “of age” to identify as anything is necessarily true- Part of the reason I identified so heavily with the term was that I could feel how abnormal I was. 

My friends would talk about topics around sex, and I felt incredibly unengaged. I felt like the only person within my age group that felt the way I did. The sense of being an outsider was what caused me to gravitate to understanding myself as an asexual individual. Regardless of the sex-positive education I sought, despite having a friend group that adamantly put down any slut shaming, I could never find it within me to be sexually attracted to anyone. Many told me I was broken. I certainly felt that way. Finding a proper way to define myself helped me to embrace my difference instead.

Queer Enough To Ride

I would first like to reach out to those of you that believe that asexuality is not “queer” enough to be part of the LGBTQIA+ community- I understand why you want to gatekeep, that is- to staff the entrance to the community, deciding who is and who is not allowed within. Many of you are bisexual, nonbinary, and other queer folks that were once the subject of the “are you queer enough to ride” argument. 

I myself gatekept like you did. I quantified how trans a person needed to be to be considered part of the umbrella. I attempted to divide the bisexual community between “fake” and “real” bisexuals. I did this largely for one reason- I felt like I didn’t belong. I felt that, by providing a baseline, I could place myself squarely into a place of validity. If I could say where “not queer” began, I could say that I was surely queer! In my desperation to prove myself, I denounced the experiences of others. What I’ve now realized is an amazing concept: if we were to define all folks that felt ostracized for their presentations of gender and orientation (and wish to identify with the word itself, which not everyone does) as queer, that automatically does include us! As for using the word “queer”? I’ll turn to a very good friend of mine for this one -  @neurostorm​

Oh goodie, another fight over the operational definition of the word ‘queer.’ If you are taking the reclaimed slur approach, then NBs (which were largely unknown when the slur was at its apex and was strategically reclaimed), transmasculine people (whom the oppressor barely knows exist), and arguably even cis lesbians (who often had different slurs hurled toward them exclusively) don’t have a right to use it either; because the slur was disproportionately applied to gay men and transfeminine people (since the oppressor believed they were one and the same). However, it was agreed that by extension of a general oppression that all gay people and all trans people could “have” it. It was this same idea of general oppression that started the LGBT+ coalition, since on a 10,000 foot level, the oppressor saw them all as just different manifestations of the same thing. The redefinition of the slur to become synonymous with the political coalition was part of its reclamation. The strategy was twofold. First- use its deliberate fuzziness to capture all the edge cases, as gender and sexuality are highly individualized. Second - use this re-branding to neutralize the slur’s power further by completely transforming it to mean something else entirely in the hearts and minds of the cis-hetero world. Regardless of how one defines that term, there is one very basic truth. It has ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING on who gets to be considered a part of the greater LGBT+ coalition, whether or not the term is used to define it! So with that said, how SHOULD we define those who are included? Opinions vary, but strictly for the “sexuality” part of the equation of things, my personal definition I tend to fall back to is that it meets 3 basic categories. 1. Its a significant departure from standard sexuality. 2. It’s a significant departure from expectations placed upon you by society’s sexual defaults. 3. It has a major impact on ones life in how they relate to society’s sexual expectations. This doesn’t imply oppression a priori, and this is deliberate. Oppression is a byproduct of greater society being shitty to certain groups based on their identity, not a part of their identity itself (if it was, then that identity ceases to exist if the oppression against it stops, and I don’t stop being autistic just because I wake up in a paradise where abelism doesn’t exist). Oppression would be that there is a systemic pattern of mistreatment and bias that conforms to and is promoted by the power structures that be, disempowering and marginalizing the other group for their deviance from the imagined normal. So then, about the aces. Where do they fall in in regards to this criteria. 1. Asexuality is a significant departure from standard sexuality, as standard sexuality assumes a moderate-to-high level of libido and desire by default (less so for female perceived people, but less is not none). 2. Asexuality is a significant departure from expectations placed upon one because they are expected to perform sexuality and have a certain level of desire in order to be seen as good partners (and in the case of male-identified people, have their gender validated). 3. This has a major impact on ones life because the expectation and desire of sexuality (or at least the performance thereof for the sake of another) is seen as a default part of romantic relationships to the point where it is implicitly believed by some that it is the sole reason they exist. It has a major impact in that it is always assumed to be childhood trauma, shyness, and “not meeting the right person” (and you know what, even when that is the case it doesn’t invalidate the asexuality they have).

I’ll return to their infodump in just a bit, as they did have more to say. No, they are neither cis nor het, if you’re intent in devaluing their opinion. In fact, they’re not ace! So I will add some of my experience to the meat of their argument. I currently identify as GenderVague (being on the autism spectrum, I don’t necessarily have the best grasp of structures like “gender”), bi/panromantic, and asexual. I did not come out as any form of nonbinary until 2014, as I didn’t have the terms to describe myself, and I did not come out as non-heteroromantic until I forced myself into a state of inebriation (read: became absolutely plastered) and, well, slept with a girl to prove myself. 

I knew that I liked girls, don’t get me wrong! It’s just incredibly hard to prove that, you see, when you’re asexual. I could say that I crushed on girls since the 3rd grade all I liked, but I was forever a “fake bisexual” until I could say that I had sex with a woman. That community mindset (and a desire to not disappoint my allosexual gf) led to me doing what I did, all in the effort to validate myself.

I guess I’m bringing all of this up to say this- whenever I hear people talking about those “cishet aces” always “trying to invade” yadda yadda, I see myself in 2012. To the majority of queer folks, I absolutely appeared straight, being closeted. I’m certain asexual aromantics also are devalued as “straight” for the same reasons. I don’t think any of us are any less queer, forcing ourselves to have sex or not. I also really don’t think anyone whose m.o. is not being interested in sex will get much of anything besides community from being recognized as queer. And for those that identify as heteroromantic in full spirit? I’m going to echo what asexual people of all orientations have been saying- if you say that they’re not welcome, but you say that I’m welcome, you’re specifically stating that my experiences as an asexual person are nothing. Since I personally received far more discrimination for being asexual than for being bi (I emphasize personally, as everyone has different experiences), I feel invalidated when people say I wouldn’t be queer without being bi. You can’t consider my asexuality queer while at the same time stating that asexuality as a whole is not queer.  Let’s go onto the second half of @neurostorm ‘s rant-

As for oppression, there is a systemic pattern of mistreatment and marginalization against asexual people that favors the power structure. The Asexual community can probably answer this in more detail, but off the top of my head, one example of systemic oppression is that society sees a low-libido as a kind of arrested development of maturation (which plays in to abelism in some ways too). Society will pressure asexuals to perform sexuality and force-spark development through things such as corrective rape. Society will flat out erase the existence of asexual people (I know many an evangelical who believe that there is no such thing as an asexual person, and that anybody who says so is just trying to virtue signal and hasn’t admitted their “sins of the heart” to themselves). All of these examples and more are promoted, encouraged, and tacitly accepted by greater society at large. All of these examples are born from and promoted by minor and major biases saturated in the consciousness of the majority of the population, and favoring the power structure that currently exists. That effectively MAKES it oppression using the definition I provided earlier. It is a “…systemic pattern of mistreatment and bias that conforms to and is promoted by the power structures that be, disempowering and marginalizing the other group [in this case, asexuals] for their deviance from the imagined normal.” So to recap. My argument is as follows. 1. The strategy to re-brand “queer” as a coalition name is deliberate and decided upon by the greater LGBT+ community in roughly the 1990s-2000s. If someone personally doesn’t want to be referred to that way, that’s all well and good, but it’s not their place to tell another how they should refer to themselves. This applies to any reclaimed slur, term, or identity phrasing (i.e. the argument of identity-first language vs person-first language in the greater disabled community [other disabled folks can refer to themselves however they want, but they don’t get to tell me I HAVE to use person-first language when I greatly prefer identity-first language to describe myself]). 2. Regardless of how 'queer’ is operationally defined, that has no bearing on whether or not asexuals can be part of the greater political coalition. 3. Going by what I feel is a reasonable set of basic criteria, Asexuals ARE qualified to be a part of the greater political coalition. 4. It can be demonstrably proven that asexuals are systemically oppressed by virtue of their asexuality.

There’s certainly folks that are attempting at this very moment to argue that allowing asexuals into pride will mean that ace voices will take over “more important ones”. I would like to introduce you to a concept that every pride I’ve been involved in fails to implement- prioritizing intersectional voices. Giving the mic to trans lesbians of color instead of white cis gay men. For the love of Marsha P. 

Hell, as a disabled, trans, bi, asexual, autistic immigrant I’m 10 times as intersectional as Tyler Oakley, so can we stop making him our first choice for a speaker? I’ll get off this tangent, but my point is that I am actively dreaming of a world where people that are only one letter of the whole acronym don't speak over all the rest of us. I don’t think it’s fair to be fearful of asexual folks taking up space when our community is so blatantly whitewashed and ciswashed as it stands. Speak out in favor of intersectionality for everyone, stop giving white cis gay men a pass to speak over everyone.

Acephobia

Acephobia, Acemisia, Aceantagonism- There’s a multitude of names to describe the systematic oppression and violence that asexual folks experience. I personally prefer “Acemisia” because it takes up fewer Twitter characters and doesn’t associate itself with mental ailments like agoraphobia, but I’ll call it acephobia since that’s what the kids on here are saying. Acephobia, like other forms of discrimination, is too wide to be wholly understood in a simple lesson, so forgive me if I don’t touch on some issues. In general, oppression exists on multiple levels-

Institutional violence- discrimination written into schools, churches, public offices, and other power structures that make up The State.

Social violence- discrimination carried out as an unwritten social rule through everyday language and encounters

Physical/sexual violence- murder, rape, the fun stuff! /sarcasm

I’m going to try to address each level the best that I can, so bear with me.

Institutions & Asexuality

Many queer folks will use religious texts and fundamentalist Christian views to outline why their oppression in society is legitimate, and this is because The Church is an institution that entwines itself in a lot of issues of morality and law, especially in regards to marriage and love. A common argument that I hear is that asexual folks face no such oppression in that system. However, as an asexual who has discussed this issue for the better part of 7 years at this point, I have discovered this- fundamentalist Christian people do hate asexuality, specifically because it throws a wrench in the idea that one has to consummate a marriage. For those unfamiliar, consummation of a marriage is the act of having sex after a wedding in order to prove the marriage legitimate. 

“But isn’t asexuality the same thing as chastity??” you ask, clearly illustrating that you don’t get the point that we are not experiencing any sexual attraction at all, no matter how hard we try. The problem is that asexual folks don’t “get over” this “phase”. Many of us are unable to consummate marriages, and to not consummate a marriage deems the marriage, in the eyes of the church, illegitimate. This isn’t merely a thought experiment- I do know asexual folks that legitimately were run out of their home for disclosing that they would never marry “the way God intended”. That’s actually a reason for marriage cancellation- “annulment due to a failure to consummate the marriage”. Thus, you can see that the institution of the church, which affects the institution of marriage, which we all know impacts relationships very intimately, has a very marked issue with putting its head around the idea of a sexless marriage. When the same-sex-marriage debate was still young in the early 2000s, many opponents claimed that the reason same-sex marriage was sinful was because the process of consummation would require, in their gross words, “sodomy”. I brought up that many asexual homoromantic couples were likely seeking the ability to marry, and this idea jarred them further- they were outraged that anyone could refuse to consummate a marriage, and stated that a sexless marriage was effectively more of an insult to God than a marriage that brought forth “sodomy” [blech].

There are other institutions where asexuality is actively discriminated against within- I was actually given an intervention in a liberal middle school for writing in health class that I had no plans to have sex, and I quote, “never never ever EVERRR!!!”. I know, mildly excessive, but I was completely sex-repulsed at that age. Multiple teachers were brought in to try to convince me, stating that at my age, “you really need to be thinking about sex rather than trying to avoid it”. Even though this program focused on encouraging students to abstain from sex until they’re ready, they found it problematic that I had no interest in “EVERRR!!!” performing the act. It spoke heavily to the hypocrisy that even abstinence-encouraging programs have when faced with asexual students.

Asexuality in Society

There were countless YouTubers that popped up around the year 2010 that discussed in depth the social ramifications of coming out as an asexual individual. One in particular that I followed was swankivy, who was immersed in discourse in the immensely queerphobic 2009 youtube and OkCupid community. She heard everything from “you’re clearly a lesbian in denial, come out of the closet and join us” to “you’re straight because that’s the default”. In fact, she has almost a decade’s worth of videos titled “Letters to an Asexual” that highlight the sorts of comments we receive on a daily basis. If you couldn’t already guess, many of the comments indicated that she wouldn’t be so controversial if she could pick a “real” sexuality, and stick with it. People often told her things like “it’s ok to be a lesbian” after she had already argued extensively that her asexuality was how she was made and who she was. I know that 2009 youtube videos don’t age the best, so take all of those low-quality films with a grain of salt- a lot of homophobia got launched at her in the early days, and nobody in 2009 was entirely unproblematic.

As the asexual community began to receive recognition from both queer and cis/het communities, their placement was treated like a game of hot potato. We didn’t fit in with the cis/het community, as we still got accused of being broken for not experiencing sexual attraction. The queer community hasn’t wanted us either, for largely the same reasons. We were too deviant to fit in with the mythical norm, and simultaneously too deviant to fit in with the counter-norm. Both communities had very staunch views on sex that we couldn’t fit into. 

Eventually, the A in LGBTQIA+ made space for us. By the year of 2011, I began to see space made in the queer community as a whole for asexual folks. Many empathized with our struggle to find a place of belonging, especially bisexual and trans folks that had been overshadowed by the L and the G for decades. This was a magical moment for me. I didn’t get queer theory at this point. I didn’t totally understand gender & sexuality studies at 16. There was just a piece of me that finally felt welcome. I was allowed to be myself, and everyone was expected to educate themselves on my lived experience to make that possible. I stopped being bombarded with questions and started being able to talk to asexual lesbian and bi girls, asexual trans folks, and everyone else that showed me that it just might be ok for me to be more complicated than society would like me to be. … I’m typically a person that speaks uniquely in logical & academic terms, but looking back at that moment in time is difficult for me to succinctly verbalize. It is incredible to find a place of belonging… I don’t think I would have survived had I not had a community. Being an asexual teen was only bearable the moment people said “You know what? It sucks that people are shitty to you for not being into sex. You can hang out here, we think you’re pretty cool anyways. If you wanna talk about sex we’re down but we totally respect how you were made and know what it’s like to be forced into being someone you aren’t”. I can prove to you with study upon study that unconditional love and acceptance is absolutely integral to a developing teen, but I don’t think even that would attest enough to how blessed I was to find a community who was ok with the way I was.

Asexuality, Sex, and Rape

This section contains sensitive content that details largely my personal experiences with corrective rape and coercion. If you may have a difficult time reading, give yourself a moment to prepare. I feel that this discussion isn’t nearly whole without this piece.

Firstly, we must discuss the term “corrective rape”. I hear often that it is impossible for me to have experienced corrective rape, as I do not identify as a lesbian woman. Let’s break this down as gently as possible- Firstly, if you’re going to claim that asexual corrective rape is “appropriation” of a lesbian term, I hope you also exclude white lesbians from using that term, seeing as a doctor coined it in discussing the corrective rape of black lesbian women in South Africa. Alternatively, we can understand that it’s a term that very succinctly identifies an experience in which someone is targeted for sexual assault in the attempt to “cure” them of an undesirable sexuality. We really ought to give more credit to black innovations of language in general, but I think you see the point that it’s easier to say “I was correctively raped” than “I was targeted for rape by a bisexual guy that believed that asexuality specifically needed to be raped out of someone”. Hopefully, we’re clear on this now.

In 2012, I met Eric Epperson at an anime-con sort of event. He was a bi cisgender allosexual man. He knew I was asexual, and promised that we could “go slow” if I agreed to date him. Seeing as this was my first ever experience with a relationship (and being autistic and easily manipulated), I naively agreed to date him. He, predictably, did not hold true to his promise and forced me to become sexual with him early on in the relationship by saying “well how will I know you really love me if you’re not willing to make love to me?”. He was very effective at discreetly threatening me with abandonment and slander (and more, later) were I to ever say no to his advances. 

Some months into the abusive relationship, I finally persuaded him to watch a documentary on Asexuality in the hopes that he would learn how uncomfortable I was with sex. He made multiple comments on how effectively raping the male star would make him give up asexuality (He was a “feminist”, though, so he never called what he did rape). He referred to asexuals featured as “creepy freaks”. He boasted about how he had cured me and turned me into a “normal person” by threatening me and guilting me into allowing him to do what he wanted to me. He commented on what a sad, empty life the male star must have, not knowing the joy of having Eric’s dick inside of him. He and his mother, a cisgender bisexual woman, were laughing by the end of the documentary about the “freaks who need help”. Eric later admitted that he targeted me specifically because he was interested in “curing” a “weirdo” like me. He had a phrase for it too. “I’ll turn you Epper-sexual”. He intended, from the start, to “cure” me. 

I’m lucky to have been set free from the relationship, even though it was only because he found a 13-year-old lesbian to “turn eppersexual”.

A month after being let go, I met a stunningly beautiful girl. I’ll call her M. She was incredibly effeminate and reserved and had long, brown, curly hair and freckles. I was smitten. Only being a month away from the abuse, I was in a very vulnerable position and asked her to be my girlfriend. Initially, she was okay with “taking it slow”, but eventually she confessed that she really wanted to have sex with me. Afraid that I would be discounted as a “fake bisexual”, I got incredibly drunk (I became severely alcoholic, but that’s another article) and satisfied her as best I could. It was fine at the time, but the aftermath is why seeing her on campus to this day tears my heart.

We broke up because I was way too traumatized by my abuse to hold together a relationship, and drinking and using all day forced me to drop out of college. We initially had planned to stay friends, until a mutual friend of ours broke up with their girlfriend because she was pressuring them to have sex with her, and they were asexual. They felt it better to break it off than to leave them wanting.

“If you’re asexual, you really need to give that up if you really want to satisfy your partner!” she said. “I mean, Ren did it!”

I called her out for that comment, and we haven’t spoken since.

I’m just one asexual out of millions. The fact that countless others can attest to having dated Ms and Erics should speak volumes- after all, the personal is the political. That is to say, I’m not an isolated case. What happened to me was bred from a culture that, at its core, devalues asexuality. I can only hope that M’s learned better since, but I know for a fact that Eric continues to be on the hunt for kids like who I was.

A Positive Note

That last section was totally trauma central so I’m going to end on a positive note.

To keep what happened to me from happening to others, we need a cultural shift. Rather than attempting to quantify how bad acephobia is compared to transphobia and homophobia etc, we need to realize that every human has an intersectional experience. It’s not a matter that an asexual biromantic black woman is oppressed more than a disabled autistic gay trans man- people living in intersections experience overlaps and magnifications of oppression in such complexities that to state something as over-arching as “any black person is more oppressed than any trans person” is not only devaluing but too simplistic to account for personal experiences. Instead, it would be more accurate to say that the woman and man mentioned earlier experience different disadvantages in society, not more or less.

Not one asexual person is demanding that all allosexual folks stay quiet on their experiences being involved in other intersections of oppression. All we’re asking is a place at the table and a room to feel safe in.

I hope that this article was able to provide positive insight regarding the discourse. Let me know if you have any other questions! 

As always, remember- progress > perfection. 

[phynali]

Hey I was just wondering something about being genderqueer and using pronouns etc. I know you're also married so do you use the term "wife" or prefer another term? I'm just genuinely curious.

(edit: omg i wrote such a long answer hahahaha sorry, i sort of misread your question at first and then rambled a lot about my husband and our relationship and i’m not gonna erase it now because uh, i love chatting about my husband and my relationship because it makes me happy haha. but there is a tl;dr). 

Every genderqueer and/or nonbinary person is going to feel differently about stuff like this.

For starters, I should say that in my day to day life, which isn’t actually much like tumblr and the online world (at... all), I let people call me by she/her pronouns. I’m not ‘out’ as being genderqueer at work though I’ve talked to a few work friends about it, and I’m only now getting used to coming out to casual friends and people outside my super close circle (ironically maybe, I’ve been out and loud about being bisexual in every facet of my life since I was a teenager, like for a decade now, but gender and sexuality and my journey for each have looked different).

So my husband calls me she/her. I know some nonbinary people wouldn’t be chill with that, but pronouns aren’t something that induce dysphoria for me (some things do, but not that) so it hasn’t been super important. He knows I’m nonbinary and has always been accepting etc, but I’ve never asked him to call me they/them, nor have I asked it of my family and friends. It happens sometimes and I love it, but it’s also not something I focus on and worry about, especially because when it comes to like a work environment, I wouldn’t necessarily want my partner or pals to call me “them” and accidentally raise questions from people I don’t necessarily want to get into a complex discussion about gender with. I like to be able to to control those discussions.

(As time goes though, I may get more pushy about pronouns, since I’ve slowly gone from “she/her is fine” to “i don’t care, whatever goes” to “please call me they/them” online, and slowly gotten used to coming out to more people irl as well and being more pushy about certain things...).

ANyway.

More to your point, I don’t mind being called wife. I actually have super positive connotations for it when my husband calls me that, because he’s always so happy/smiley when he does. he loves that we’re married, that he gets to call me his wife. and that joy surrounding the word makes a huge difference?

but also, our relationship doesn’t have strong stereotypical gender roles in any sense. he does 99% of the cooking; i clean up after. i’ll be the breadwinner as soon as i’m done school (and hell my grad stipend amounted to more than he made last year, like, we’re broke). by the other token, he’s still got some of that “stereotypical bachelor” mindset about how he likes to spend money and i still spend an egregious amount getting my hair dyed and cut. i do 100% of the driving; he doesn’t have his license. he gardens and knows more about sewing and ironing than i ever will, and he helped me iron my interview clothes because i’m a lost cause with domestic stuff like that. i do more emotional labour though, and i’m good at it so i don’t mind falling into that role. 

like all people, we do some things that might seem to fit the mould and some that don’t, but in general we’re more atypical than not, i think, in part because of my gender identity maybe, but mostly just people we’re people (and he identifies as male but recognizes there are a lot of ways in which he’s gender-nonconforming and has had to deal with shitty people trying to impose those norms on him).

so when he calls me his wife, it feels really separate from the traditional social role of ‘wife’ and the imposition that might otherwise place on me. it feels so divorced from my gender itself, honestly. and gender roles feel so constricting. when straight people talk about wives and husbands and relationships and those roles, i’m often so hard into “cannot relate” territory it’s not funny. like unless it’s about particular details of emotional labour or finances, i’m just like... “okay can’t relate but i guess...”

so all of that makes a difference on how i feel about him calling me his wife, and people recognizing me as his “wife”. i’m happy and proud to be married to him, whatever word gets attached to it. the word husband wouldn’t really fit me despite the fact that some of my roles in our relationship are more stereotypical of husbands. the word wife doesn’t really fit except that it makes me think of him, and that makes me happy. i don’t know a gender-neutral term that would suit better except for “partner” and/or “other half” and i use those a lot actually, but still.

and i should say, before we were engaged, one night i told him i wasn’t his ‘girlfriend’, i was his partner, his person. i was experiencing some dysphoria around the word girlfriend, and he totally respected that. some days i could be his girlfriend because my identity has some fluidity, and i wanted him to introduce me to people as his girlfriend (again, controlling that discussion for when i’m ready to have it), but i needed him to see me as who i was. he had no qualms, of course. he’s always fully respected what i need for my gender identity.

and he didn’t even call me his fiancee lol, he just switched right over to ‘wife’ as soon as we were engaged (he’s adorable, i swear). and if i told him tomorrow that i can’t stand the word “wife” was a problem for me, he’d stop using it. that’s what makes it all okay for me, from him and from anyone else - it’s often less about the word itself than the connotations surrounding it and who is saying it and what they know about me. in my head, ‘wife’ isn’t even really gendered that much anymore, at least not in my relationship (whereas a word like Queen is? very gendered? idk why) so yeah, i’m good with it.

tl; dl because i just rambled for like 30 mins: i’m fine with the word ‘wife’ because i have a ton of positive connotations to it thanks to my awesome husband, but i’m almost at the point where i don’t ascribe gender to that word with respect to myself now. not all people will feel this way though, and i enjoy words like ‘partner’ and ‘other half’ quite a bit as alternatives.

[glass-closet]

FrasierFan’s submission 3

FrasierFan anon here, again.  Thanks for responding to my long winded previous submit.  I didn’t really expect it, since I knew you were on the road and having work related issues right after I’d sent it.  In any case, I’ll try to be a bit more brief here. 

Mostly off topic here, if you only saw the first two seasons of Glee you succeeded in missing most of the controversial shipping there, so I’m very happy for you. (Won’t go farther into “shipping wars” than that).  I think one of the more admirable things (and you probably got it from the two years you did see) was the relationship between Kurt and his dad, Burt.  Quite frankly, this was one of the more uplifting things I’d seen in recent years.  Before this generation, I would have said there was no WAY a guy like Burt would have been as accepting of his son as being gay…..but there it was…again, a reason for hope for the future….small steps, sometimes.

This is somewhat Js related, but I think those who play “character” roles more than leading men parts probably have less problem with being “out” (same holds for those who are primarily known for comedy as opposed to drama).  Going back to David Hyde Pierce, I do remember him doing some light bearding with his female costars, Jane Leeves (who played the  love interest of his character, Daphne Moon) and Peri Gilpin (who played the radio producer, Roz Doyle) before each of those ladies married and had families in the first few years of Frasier, but at every award show (Emmys, Golden Globes, SAG awards, Tonys) he was ALWAYS sitting next to the same man.  Being a huge fan of his from the first season on, it didn’t take long to figure out who he was really with.  In any case, I think,, again, that with the Js, we’re talking about two leads of a show which is at least partially based on “these guys are young and sexy” (again, especially true in the early seasons).  It’s just a bit easier for those playing supporting roles to not be straight, I think.

On Simon & Simon, I know some of the digital broadcast networks here in the US are running the reruns of it, and I know there are DVDs out of all the seasons (it was a top 20 show here in the US back when there was little in the way of cable programming, and shows tended to get much higher audiences in general).  I can do a bit more research and send some links that might help.  I know there’s not much there (mostly the theme song for various seasons), but I didn’t want you investing much in DVDs before at least sampling the show.  Not sure, but I’d think Netflix or Hulu might have it on streaming, as well. 

I have some other thoughts about some of the things we’ve been discussing, but want to wait until your own travel situation is a bit easier.  FWIW, it’s been pretty well “known” for quite awhile that David Bowie was bisexual (he and Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones were rumored to have been “involved’ at one point).

Will close for now.  Hope things go well for you the rest of the week!

Hi, “FrasierFan” anon here again, I was able to find some full episodes of Simon & Simon posted on YouTube.  These aren’t the greatest…they appear to have been taken from someone’s videotapes and tend to skip and have distorted audio and video, but the person who posted them has more than one “full” episode posted.  The link I’m sending has flashback scenes (but with both actors…then in their 30s…playing the teen/early 20s characters).  Rick was a Marine during the Vietnam war (both characters were born in the late 1940s), and this ep explains how that happened.  Their widowed mother is a recurring character during the series, as well.  Anyway, here’s the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGaFq4d-XCM

I do think it’s one of their better eps, but not directed by Kim Manners, if I remember correctly.

Hello again, dear Frasier Anon!

Thank you for the link to the episode. I watched it for a while, but unfortunately the zoomed-in film produced some disturbing visions of beheaded characters and I just couldn’t continue. Don’t worry, I have my ways of recovering entertainment! You need not look for further links to episodes.

I did miss out on this controversial shipping in Glee, I think. At least I don’t remember any of it! That’s perhaps because I usually don’t enter the fandoms of shows unless I’m totally enraptured by what I’m seeing - right now I’m only in Supernatural and Hannibal fandoms. I loved the story of how Burt came to accept his son. I’ve seen things like this happen in real life - a real “macho” eventually becomes the protector of his son, after struggling to deal with his son’s sexuality.

I often wonder whether we’re giving people less credit than they deserve. Perhaps the majority is more open-minded than we think? Perhaps all they need is a nudge or a positive experience? I know my father changed his negative views of homosexual people back when I introduced two of my friends to him. I guess that’s what it took for him to understand that gay people are normal just like anyone else.

I agree that it’s probably easier for a gay actor to receive a supporting role than a leading one. It also seems to be true for gay characters - it’s very rare to see a gay main character unless the whole production is meant for gay audiences. Maybe the general public isn’t ready for that yet, or perhaps they’re being underestimated - it’s difficult for me as an European to tell. The USA is in many regards similar to the EU, so it’s easy to forget that homophobia still runs rampant over there!

In any case, I think,, again, that with the Js, we’re talking about two leads of a show which is at least partially based on “these guys are young and sexy” 

You’ve arrived to the very core of the problem. I also think that the sex appeal of Sam and Dean is one of the reasons J2 have been shoved to the closet. I have no problem finding famous people who don’t prefer my gender terribly sexy - I’m not deluding myself they would be interested in me under any circumstances anyway - but I do know some fans entertain the fantasy that they’ll some day attend a convention and swoop the J of their preference off his feet. I can’t even begin to tell how much that mindset annoys and baffles me. You would think people could tell fantasies from reality, but that does not seem to be the case with everyone.

David Bowie has said he’s bisexual, but I think he’s denied it, too. In later interviews, he’s dodged the question and no wonder - everyone and their mother inquired about it! I have read rumours about his gay affairs, but haven’t really delved into them properly. I’m somewhat reluctant to try and figure him out, mostly because he’s so sacred to me! It’s very difficult to explain.

In any case, thank you for your messages! We may not be talking strictly J2, but I think it’s fruitful to understand the circumstances they’re living in, as well as the history of LGBTQ+ community. I hope you have a very fabulous week!

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

andimeantittosting reblogged your post and added:

Regarding Sam’s past as an “enlightened California college student”, as you say, there’s also the fact that that was over a decade ago. Even if he had been the sort of straight ally to join a GSA and put some work in (as opposed to just not being homophobic) - and I don’t think that that would have been a top priority for him in his college years - the landscape around sexuality has shifted, and I doubt Sam has found time to keep up while hunting. No matter how “enlightened” he once was, it’s likely that 12 years later, his understanding is a little outdated. Also? It makes me, as a queer person, uncomfortable, when in fic, good-straight-ally!Sam has to explain permutations of sexuality beyond just gay and straight to closeted-having-gay-panic!Dean, often having to go so far as to explain that Dean might be bi. It’s something about the idea that a queer person would need a straight person to interpret or bestow their identity upon them. This is not an articulate explanation, but hopefully someone understands what I’m getting at.

If you don’t mind I’m starting a new post (the original one here) because the original one was getting long and we’re slightly digressing from the original topic :)

About the first part of your addition: I think that when Sam ran to California (it was two years before the pilot so around 2003, right?) he was rejecting an identity and embracing another. Sam has always seen things in a very all-or-nothing way until quite recently. Either in or out. His “have you considered something with someone who understands the life, like a hunter” is very telling - Sam himself hasn’t considered something like that for a long time. When he basically asked Dean to have a life with Lisa, he was projecting his own desires into Dean - getting out of the hunting life, have a relationship with a civilian in the whole white-fence, apple-pie kind of life.

Anyway - when Sam chose Stanford over John and Dean, he wasn’t just choosing not to be a hunter anymore and to pursue a “civilian” career. He was choosing to belong to a different culture altogether - basically rejecting the culture of a semi-rural America, with a huge emphasis on a “us/them” mindframe, heavy Christian tones, etc, for the culture you’ll find in a place like a California college. 

Have you seen American Sniper? If you haven’t, good for you. Anyway, at the very beginning of the movie you see the protagonist as a kid, living with his parents and his younger brother someplace in rural Texas. There’s a scene where the protagonist's father makes a speech to his sons that was exactly John Winchester’s worldview expect with muslims instead of monsters. There are the civilians, the monsters and the protectors. In the movie, the father uses the metaphor of sheep, wolves and shepherd dogs: common people are sheep, who are weak and in danger of being harmed by the wolves (terrorists and whatever). “Real men” are the shepherd dogs, who defend the weak from the wolves. I immediately compared that to John Winchester’s view of the world as divided in civilians, monsters and hunters. Of course there was also a huge layer of toxic masculinity - if you’re weak you are not a real man and you are a disgrace.

Now, in the Winchester family the focus was on monsters and not on muslims, but their lives were mostly spent around a rural or semi-rural America. It’s clear that urban and suburban lives were alien to the Winchesters as they grew up.

Season 1 shows us how Sam and Dean deal with the universe they’ve grown up into: Sam has rejected it outright, even physically removing himself from the rest of his family and enrolling in Stanford. Dean, on the other hand, has a very different approach and it’s probably harder to read for a viewer that is more like Sam than Dean.

I think it’s not a coincidence that many fans, in my opinion, have a fairly mistaken view of Dean in the earlier seasons. In the earlier seasons we see a lot of things from Sam’s point of view, and Sam misunderstands Dean a lot, and a viewer that shares Sam’s mindframes would easily make the same mistakes as Sam.

Basically Sam, the straight “enlightened college boy”, does a lot of judging of Dean - Dean who, in Sam’s eyes, embraces that very culture that Sam rejects. I think that a viewer who is, like Sam is, straight, middle-class (Sam’s permanence in the middle class was very short-lived but he embraced that kind of identity strongly), liberal, would make the same assumptions as Sam regarding Dean - i.e. that is shares that rural-American, close-minded, American Sniper-y mindset. But the way I see it, Dean in 2005 identifies with a culture of its own. Sam rejects a dominant culture for a different dominant culture, while Dean rebels to a dominant culture by embracing a subculture, if it makes sense? Dean can’t just drop everything and leave, we know how the whole abuse thing has worked on him. But he develops his own way of dealing with the culture he’s grown up in, and a lot of that way is centered about the fact that he is not straight. Straight doesn’t just mean ‘that experiences attraction to individuals of a gender different than one’s own’. It’s a concept that reels in ideals of normativity, “normality”, socially accepted, socially sanctioned.

This brings us to the second part of your comment - in my opinion, Dean has always known he’s not straight. @f-ckyeahfutbol has been talking about it better than I can, but I believe that a huge part of Dean’s personality the way we seen it formed at the beginning of the show is based on the fact that he has his own ways of rebelling to social normativity. He identifies as a freak, with the whole baggage that brings along. He suffers from the loneliness that that entails but also takes pride in his being different. He takes pride in his belonging to a subculture of sorts.

You make an excellent point in pointing out that queer discourse in the early 00s was very different that the current one. If season 1 took place now, I’d say, there is a chance that this boy doesn’t know about queer theory and the labels and identities that exist in the current queer discourse. So I’d say that there is a chance that Dean might not embrace the label bisexual because he is not up-to-date with queer theory and the words that are used now.

But Dean has been in his early twenties in the early 00s. The early twenties are to queer people what teenage years are for straight people, in a sense - straight people are exposed to societal and mediatic messages that help them shape their identity in relation to themselves and others during their teen years, but queer people lack that kind of messages in their teen years - like, there are seventy-five billion movies and shows about straight kids falling in love, but none about queer kids (at least not in the 00s).

So a Dean in his early twenties would have built his identity in relation to sexuality. And he would have found less labels to pick from than one has today, so to speak. Not too many years ago the “bisexual” label was an umbrella identity for many different experiences, that could be summed up as “not straight nor gay”. Asexuality was included in that, too.

I think that Dean always knew he wasn’t either straight or gay. We don’t know if he would have used the word bisexual to describe himself in 2005, but I think that he would have identified with the definition of the word.

I think Dean has always known he was bisexual, so yeah, I agree with you about the trope in fics and headcanons where Sam teaches Dean about queer things. I think it’s a result of fandom being made mostly by straight women - they project their allyship and knowledge of queer theory over the straight character, Sam. In general there are multiple issues in fandom(s) due to a majority of shippers being straight women and the trope of “clueless Dean, wise Sam” is one of them (not the most problematic). I tend to see Dean as a lot more aware and self-aware than most fans seem to believe (not just in regards to his sexuality), and I tend to see Sam as less skilled in reading Dean than a lot of fans seems to believe, too. I mean, I believe there are multiple elements in the show that support my interpretation, but I am too exhausted and slow at the moment to make a list.

In conclusion, I have no idea how knowledgeable of queer theory Sam is, but I’m sure Dean knows more than him.