#when for the past month ive had like. 2 days at opposite ends of the week ive been working

[ambersky0319]

my manager (at nearly 9pm): can you work 2 to 10 tomorrow instead of 1 to 5?

me:

me: no

[444you]

manifestion guide for overthinkers and pessimists

MY MANIFESTION JOURNEY

*caution: mentions of personal limiting beliefs* you can skip through this if you want, but it’s mainly talking about my own journey and what i struggled with 🦋

for me, i’ve been heavily into law of assumption and law of attraction for about 7 years now. i tried many different manifestation techniques, i never found one that fit. i got into sammy ingram when she first made her youtube channel. she was one of my fav youtubers. not just because of her advice but i loved her personality. i binged her videos. she always gave good information but i knew for me, affirmations never helped. i always looked into the 3d, even when i knew i shouldn’t. anytime i saw a sign, i would freak out because i thought i would continue to manifest signs instead of my desire. i also overthought a lot and felt like if i had one opposing thought, that my manifestation wouldn’t come. the thing is i’m aware that this stuff doesn’t affect how your desires come in, but i still freaked out over it. this is just a few of the many issues i had. i tried scripting, water methods, subliminals. i even had a subliminal channel, people would get results but i never got any from my own or others. now i’m highly aware that i have limiting beliefs yall 😭 this is what is causing me to not achieve what i want. this is something that i’ve been working on for years and i know that i’ll gradually move past it.

WHAT IVE BEEN CURRENTLY DOING TO MANIFEST MY DESIRES

vision boards. i make them for multiple desires or specifically just one. if i want something to come fast, i put a 2 month time frame on it and then i also put the year. so say i wanted to manifest a car right now. , i’d make a vision board of my dream car. then i’d write a text that says “july - august 2024”. i had this strict belief that manifestations come in 3 days or less. however, i always put a 2 month time frame because i know i can easily get upset and doubt it. id make the collage of that i want on my phone. then i’d put it as my wallpaper for 3 days or more. i did this because i’d gradually look at it multiple times a day, this way my mind could be familiar with my desires. with this however, i can talk to my friends about my desires. i can have so many doubts and think the opposite but somehow it still works for me. but anyway, i’d look at it for a few days and then change it to something completely different, any wallpaper. i delete the vision board from my camera roll. (if you go to settings and wallpapers, it’s still there as a choice to view in the future) then i’d just forget about it. sometimes but no always, i’ll put a reminder to check my vision board after the timeframe i put it. so for the car example, i’d put a reminder after august. then i go back and see what manifested. at the end of the day, we all think differently. we all have different ways to manifest. and if you’re somebody like me who has a lot of limiting beliefs, don’t feel discouraged. i used to get upset that everybody got subliminal or manifestion results, but i eventually found something that worked for me. and you will too.

[anon-apple]

Hot Soup and Soft Bread 27 (END)

ToC and Synopsis <- Chapter 26 Read on WordPress

Chapter 27: Shiitake Mushroom Rice IV

t/n: This is the last chapter of the main story!

When Zhong Qiuyan drove by the location of the former stirfry shop, he parked by the roadside and stared for a long time. The inside has already been cleared out, and the old signboard drooped down from above the doorframe. This will be his restaurant in the future; he couldn’t quite believe it just yet. 

In the past few days, he cooked a few of what he intended to sell as his restaurant's signature dishes for Zhou Cunqu. Dishes like wild shiitake mushroom rice, chestnut pumpkin steamed rice, Pad Thai, et cetera. Cunqu particularly liked the Pad Thai. Zhong Qiuyan had pulled out a bottle of fish sauce from who knows where, and the rice noodles' flavor was particularly delicious. One day, Cunqu requested Qiuyan to cook it again, and he packed a serving inside the little pink pig bento box for Shi Shuyuan to taste. She smiled and said, “Your little pink pig’s cooking skills aren’t bad.”

Zhou Cunqu reiterated: “Don’t call him little pink pig.”

At the same time, the little pink pig Zhong Qiuyan was pulling A’Shan and Da Yu to the side of the storefront. He pointed at it and bragged: “Ge picked this store for me to open a restaurant with. He even did the design of the shopfront for me.” 

Da Yu let out a “Woah” and followed with, “It’s reminiscent of those financial-backer literature.”[1]

Qiuyan rebuked, “This is love with square feet as the unit of measurement, alright?”

Da Yu said to A’Shan: “Look, I’ve said it before. This guy is a prime example of fortune favoring fools.”

Qiuyan scolded, “How am I dumb??”

While the shop was undergoing renovations, Zhong Qiuyan was still busy every day as a bus driver. Instead, he let the unemployed Da Yu help oversee the work. At the same time, the South City Experimental Elementary School also started to renovate after its 35th founding anniversary celebrations. In a year, it would switch locations with the City First High School. This was because a fortune teller foretold that the feng shui (t/n: Chinese geomancy) on October Road was better and moving locations would be beneficial for raising the graduation rate. Anyway, the City First High students started attending school at the October Road location that year. The school uniform for the autumn months included a navy-colored windbreaker made of a material that rustled noisily with movement. They would stream out of the school gates like the dim light rays of the late dusk hours, flow across the street to the pretty little restaurant on the opposite side, and sit down for a meal. Even in the heat of summer vacation, they would meet up at the restaurant to do their summer homework over an order of watermelon shaved ice. In this muddle-headed high school era, they come here to secretly go on dates and come here to be heartbroken. 

Many students from City First High would remember this restaurant. This restaurant named “Hot Soup and Soft Bread”, despite not selling either hot soup or soft bread. Every day, there was a special menu. The seasonal wild shiitake mushroom rice and the signature Pad Thai were both delicious. The boss would stand behind the cooking station and scoop out rice from a giant brown earthen pot, and the aroma of wild shiitake being cooked would disperse and linger around every corner of the small seating area. Many years later, the students of City First High would join the fatigued adults of modern society, working hard to make a living. And in certain sluggish twilight moments, as they drag their weary bodies from their workplace, they would suddenly recall those high school days. Along with it, there is the fragrance of that shiitake mushroom rice. 

When “Hot Soup and Soft Bread” first opened, Da Yu helped out at the restaurant for a while. Zhou Cunqu had designed the little porch[2] outside the storefront so waiting customers or passersby could rest for a short while. However, after the “Double Yolk Egg” Grandpas discovered this location, they would show up early every day with a Go board. Zhong Qiuyan would give them each a cup of barley tea, and they would sit there and play Go until noon.

After getting off work, Cunqu pushed open the restaurant door and sat atop the bar stools next to a whole row of high schoolers. Qiuyan passed him a glass of water and asked, “This customer, what would you like to eat?”

Cunqu was about to reply, but he was interrupted by the excited yelps of the two high school girls next to him who were staring at their phone screens. They screeched, “He’s so handsome so handsome so handsome!!!” Qiuyan leaned over toward Cunqu and asked, “How about the secret menu?” Cunqu nodded.

After a bit, Qiuyan placed a bowl of fried rice before Cunqu. The fried rice contained chopped bamboo shoots, which were in season, as well as marinated meat, white beech mushrooms, and some other seasonal vegetables. Because that bowl of fried rice smelled way too good, the few students sitting beside Cunqu turned over to take a look. Qiuyan knocked on the table and said, “The school day ended, but you guys aren’t rushing home to do homework. How come you all are so free?”

The students’ mouths twitched, and they turned back to stare at their phone screens. They finished their meal, sat around for a bit more, and then, like chirping birds, left the shop amidst chatter to fly off to a nearby cram school. Sometimes, after closing shop around 8 pm, Qiuyan would sit beside the goldfish tank on the second floor and look down from the window. He’d recognize the faces of the backpack-wearing students, holding their trinkets-adorned phones, chatting while rushing to take the subway home. And the next day, at 6 am, those same students will emerge drowsily from various corners of the city and rush back to school.

Zhong Qiuyan and the newly hired waiter finished cleaning up the store. He closed up shop and walked back to Qin Qin Homeland. Zhou Cunqu recently started exercising and had just returned home from a half-hour run. After showering, he sat cross-legged on the sofa looking at his laptop. A few months ago, Shi Shuyan officially invited him to sign on. He leaned against the pedestrian bridge's railing and joked, “Boss, if work gets too demanding, I might leave anytime. You know me. Someone is willing to raise me now.” 

Shiyuan laughed as she cursed, “Gross.”

The one raising Cunqun finally arrived home. After kicking off his shoes, Qiuyan slid onto the sofa and hugged Cunqu’s waist, rubbing his face against his while complaining, “You haven’t taken a single look at me since I got home. You’re just looking at your laptop. I’m angry angry.”[3]  

Cunqu said exasperatedly, “Let me finish up with this email.”

Qiuyan was still repeating: “Angry, angry, angry…”

Cunqu lightly tapped his forehead and said: “Power off. Stop being annoying.”

Qiuyan aggrievedly shut his mouth, stood up, and ran off to the balcony. After Cunqu finally finished up with his work, he closed his laptop and walked to the balcony. He pinched Cunqu’s cheek and said, “Power on.”  

Qiuyan lightly said, “Angry.”

They leaned against the balcony’s railing and looked toward the housing community under construction across the street. The framework of the new buildings was almost complete; time always marched forward. Cunqu lifted his head, took a deep breath, and commented that the air carried the scent of grape juice. Qiuyan replied that give it a month, and Qiu Xuemei would be coming here to gift them two whole crates of homegrown grapes. 

In the sunset hours, when the streets are crawling with people, she will climb down from her cargo truck and push open Zhong Qiuyan’s restaurant’s door while holding two crates of grapes. She will sit down and take a break by the same window where she and Liu Xiaoying once sat. Turning her head, she will see the City First High’s students crowding by the bar counter, tilting up their faces, lit up by two cloud-shaped hanging ceiling lamps, chattering with Qiuyan, excitedly inquiring about his relationship history with sparkles in their eyes. And just like that, the love story of the boss of “Hot Soup and Soft Bread” will spread from one grade to another, from one year to the next. But many of the finer details and many of the deeper causes and effects are only known between me and you. Don’t go around telling that group of gossipy high schoolers. 

And now, I will tell you one last thing. In this universe, atop some planet, within a neighborhood in some city of a country, behind the window of the fifth floor of a building, a wonderful love has settled down.[4]

---- Author's Note: This is a rather unpolished sweet little bedtime story. After finishing the story, I recommend listening to 天台晚餐 (Rooftop dinner) by 麥浚龍 (Juno mak) (t/n: youtube, lyrics). Please refrain from commenting about this story under the song, anything you want to see please say it here[5]. I’ll also be uploading two short epilogues for Madam Qiu Xuemei and Madam Liu Xiaoying. Later I’ll write a bit of Zhou ge and Little Zhong’s if-storyline[6]

Footnotes

[1] I translated this ltierally. Da Yu is referring to all the novels of the “rich ceo falls in love with me” genre; basically he’s suggesting that Zhou Cunqu is giving Sugar Daddy energy lol.  [2] The original term was 缘廊, which I believe refers to an engawa: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Engawa [3]  Zhong Qiuyan literally repeats “Angry” twice here. Just to clarify, he’s saying this not too seriously, in like a childish, spoiled manner. He’s 撒娇（Sājiāo)-ing for anyone familiar with the term.  [4]  A call back to the storybook Zhou Cunqu read on the rooftop to the little kid in Chapter 15 [5] “Here” is the comment section of the raws, which I’ll link again here: https://www.gongzicp.com/novel-1597036.html [6]  Basically like an AU (alternate universe), she doesnt’ specify what kind. I’ll try to translate these eventually too.

t/n: And we're at an end! The reason why I picked this up (aside from the manageable length lol) is that the chapters often leave me with a warm fuzzy feeling (except for the angsty ones lol) I love how this story never forgets any of the side characters. The double-yolk egg grandpas, despite not being crucial to the main plotline of the story, consistently appeared throughout. And we even get some depth into Qiuyan's friends, especially A'Shan, despite how short this story was. I also adore how it describes just ordinary, daily lives. Like that bit about the high school students at the restaurant was so charming and nostalgic. Also! The fact that the shop Cunqu picked out for Qiuyan was the same store where Liu Xiaoying and Qiu Xuemei had their encounter (ch 23)! The world is so big; the world is so small. May Zhou Cunqu and Zhong Qiuyan be happy forever~ If you guys liked this story, please leave it a rating & review on https://www.novelupdates.com/series/hot-soup-and-soft-bread/ so more people can read it~

[cheswirls]

had to cross the main north-south street in my small town today to go to the vet and if it's been a bit since i was on the west side of it bc there's been construction happening there for a while now but it wasn't until today that i noticed

it rly only impacted crosswalks and pedestrian traffic

i think it's a sidewalk being implemented or another bike lanez but smth is being done work wise on the far right of the road the entire way down, and will be for a while yet. there are cones and stuff blocking off cars from driving down the construction zone, but they're absent from intersections so cars can turn right off the main road to go down the street, even though the pathway is actively being paved so cars can't turn whenever and have to pay attn to what's going on

this is fine except for. if you're on foot (me!!) then you can't cross. i live on the right side of the road but even if you're on the left, you can't cross all the way over bc you can't cross that barrier on foot. this block goes all the way up the west side of campus that borders that main road and all the way down to the edge of town

the only way i made it across today is bc they're only having a certain section of it, so i ended up walking five blocks down where i needed to cross until i hit an intersection where the cones stopped. and where the crosswalk signals were still operational. i still had to step onto the "construction zone" it just wasn't an active zone so it was fine, but i feel like

there rly should have been a better way to do this. there was a vehicle rolling down 3-4 blocks and access stopped by construction crew for the other several blocks, but past that, that means there's partial construction continuing for another 6-7 blocks on either end (north and south) of the active construction zone. and this apparently changes frequently!!

idk i feel like, there has to be an easier way to have updates on which section of the road is closed. this town is small enough that i can walk everywhere fine, but lately ive been getting more and more frustrated by how little access there is for pedestrian traffic. especially bc on my way home, there's a school right next to the main road i needed to cross and it was late enough in the day for cars already to be lined up on either end of the road i was on waiting for kids to get out of school. that's not uncommon but it is annoying when there's no sidewalk and the road has been reduced to a one-way one car lane.

if you walk close enough to campus at the wrong time, this happens bc there not enough parking space so students parallel park on random residential streets as close as possible to campus instead. it again creates the same problem, where cars going opposite ways have to take turns driving down sections of the street bc of lack of room. it makes walking impossible bc you literally have to walk down the middle of the road.

idkkkk today has just been a day. it takes ten minutes to get my cat to the vet but it was bordering 25 today bc i had to go down so far and then back up!! crossing that big road w her is stressful as is, but the fact that i rly had to stand up on it while being mindful of construction to see how far down the zone was blocked was a nightmare. -2/10 awful experience would never do again (will probably have to do again for the next 2-3 months aaaaaaa)

[lilithvibeplace]

HI. I FORGORT HOW TO SPELL IT IMMEDIATELY. AZ CAN WE HEAR MORE ABOUT AZ

YES HI SORRY IVE BEEN DEAD THE PAST EONS BUT I YET LIVE AND YET MAY STILL AZ INFODUMP

Azazel is a special lil enby they're delightful and lovely. And by that i mean of course WAR CRIMINAL 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOo

line break time since Az, like Nox, has much to be discussed

alrighty gang so starting at the start, Azazel is a little introverted lil enby who's particularly adept with some less well regarded magic, in particular necromancy and other fun things! they were thrown to Nox early on before the Watchers formed as a squire and pseudo-apprentice. technically they were under the apprenticeship of the same dude as Nox (Andros - Hey slij i know you'll read this im so sorry this was a genuine accident but i did name him the same as one of ur dnd characters in our campaigns im SO sorry) but in reality Nox was the one teaching them.

Anywho, Az had a bit of jealousy originating with Dusana's relationship with Nox, who as you may recall had a kind of pseudo-parental figure thing going on. This is because Az also is very depressed and lonely and found comfort in Nox and felt like Dusana was stealing her time when Dusana totally couldve just been going to Alice instead. Lots of stupid melodrama that the rest of the group is aware is stupid melodrama. But once Alice returns from Erelia with a dead Dusana and a missing Nox, Az goes wild.

They first threaten Alice demanding to know where the ever living hell Nox is. This goes badly and Az is forced to spend the night on a solo mission to spend some time away from the group. When they return, they attempt Necromancy to revive Dusana as a way to seek forgiveness from Alice. This goes worse.

Alice arrests Az for using illegal magic and is preparing plans to send them back to the Magi Council for trial. Maverick, being the icon he is (and the closest thing to a friend Az had, real opposites attract type friendship), helped Az escape and thus begins the Many Trials of Azazel, as they escape but are on the run knowing that news will spread relatively quickly of their actions.

Trial One: Azazel takes a trip to the Cursed Lands!

The Cursed Lands (name change pending) is a little section of the continent (abt 1/4 of the landmass) that is still lightly radioactive due to that time Romana went nuclear and destroyed a large part of the continent in the Erelian War for Independence. Here Azazel goes to hide out for a few months hoping to wait out the inevitable head hunt that will occur for them. And here as well, they learn more about a certain celestial, Passentha who was one that Nox worshipped and also one that was very illegal to worship. Yet her cult exists here in what is effectively a no mans land.

Trial Two: Azazel Goes to Windsbane and Steals A Sword!

Next up, Azazel after learning more from the Ashen Chrysanthemum (the cult of Passentha) and in particular the skill to alter their appearance, they head north to Windsbane, an Empire currently ran by an authoritarian and expansionist Emperor, hoping to forge a great Northern Empire to ensure no southern nation could ever conquer them again. (they are considered a rogue empire by most nations and a large coalition is forming against them, REGARDLESS) While in Windsbane, Az learns a neat thing or two about the celestials, in particular, how to kill one! and they need a certain sword, aptly named Godkiller (previously known as Wintersbane) which is a relic owned by House Zima, the dynasty in control of Windsbane.

After doing some assassinations and quite the solo heist, they pull it off and gain Godkiller! Woooo! Congrats to our little demon! In this trial they learnt how to manipulate and take advantage of people and that people are, at the end of the day, disposable! They also cause a civil war here but thats another story for another time. They also learn that Nox is supposedly dead.

Trial Three: Az Fights a God (fails)

After Windsbane, Azazel heads south! with only a horse and Godkiller on them, they come across the Knights of the Endless Night, a cult of Neternia that began taking advantage of the chaos of the wartorn north, and had gotten into raiding local towns and churches after the Church of Santiryn had their big split and the godly civil war restarted. Again, tale for another time. Anywho! Azazel tries fighting off these rogue brigands but of course because they never were trained with a sword, regardless of how incredibly powerful the sword may be, they quickly fall in battle and are kidnapped as part of a ritual to summon an Avatar of Neternia.

While they do manage to escape this ritual and secure Godkiller, they come across the summoned avatar of Neternia who, despite being very weak due to the ritual only partially succeeding, still kicks their ass but Az using tricks learnt from the Ashen Chrysanthemum escapes still.

Trial Four: Az Becomes a Double Agent

Az reaches Erelia right as Nox began her plans to take control of the city and restore the Erelian Empire (it's a long story.), and joins up with the Ashen Chrysanthemum formally, hilarious not knowing that Nox is the newest leader of theirs.

During this, Az also meets up with Maverick and after some convincing, rejoins the Watchers and Alice forgives Az for their many, many crimes against the Magi Council since they all now have a much bigger issue, the upcoming Erelian Coronation!

So this is where stuff gets a bit messy. The Erelian Coronation is where Nox coups the coalition-installed government of Erelia and revives the Erelian Empire, and there are three simultaneous conspiracies going on here.

Conspiracy One: The global leaders invited to the Coronation are all planning in secret a plot to assassinate Nox by any means necessary even if it means most of them dying because its only been a 100 years or so since Erelia fell and they all agree we can never live under such circumstances again.

Conspiracy Two: The Magi Council alongside the Watchers are also plotting to assassinate Nox (only Alice is aware Nox is the target though), not for any geopolitical reason just because they are all very aware of how dangerous and powerful Nox is.

Conspiracy Three: The Ashen Chrysanthemum, under the orders of Nox, are plotting to kill everyone at the coronation in an attempt to summon Passentha and meld their plane of reality with hers as a final push to let the Pestanae Pantheon win the Celestial Civil War (there's a lot of proper nouns here im so sorry).

Az is aware of conspiracies two and three, and becoming the deeply brooding pessimistic asshole that they are, will align with conspiracy three! So come time for the Coronation and when the cult, Watchers, and nobility all begin massacreing each other, Az is right in the middle and gets proper site of exactly who they've been following this whole time and realize it's Nox! This causes them to fucking lose it (again) and leaving the coronation ceremony through one of the cults many secret exits, goes on a brief massacre in town to cope with the fact Nox has been alive this whole time and never once reached out to say hi.

Alice presumes Az is dead, Nox and Az meetup and have their reunion (both covered in blood, vastly worse people then they were years ago when they last saw each other), and join up with Az becoming the Court Magi for the Erelian Court, and Nox's closest confidant. And of course, leader of the newly reformed Erelian Magi Corps.

As Head of the Erelian Magi Corps they do such fun things such as:

Using magic to completely and permanently alter the terrain of the world in a twisted corrupted nature in order to bond the land more with Passentha’s ideal of the world

Using necromancy to raise troops that had just fallen in battle, effectively creating an endless cycle of troops in the middle of a battle completely ruining an opposing army’s ability to fight

Nuclear suicide bombers (think modern day dirty bombs)

consistently creates plagues to infect people in advance to an invasion

Of course, they were also tasked with handling the war on the Church of Santiryn while Nox focused on the actual war going on. This Does Not Go Well.

basically any of the Septanae that can spare time or power are sending influence or outright appearing as avatars to fight against Az’s Magi Corps and its very fucking frustrating to them, to the point that in a moment that i’m not sure i’ll keep because it is an incredibly dark turn even for my already incredibly dark turn plot arc, az forces a magi to replicate Romana’s great sacrifice, and effectively forces a magi to become a nuclear suicide bomb detonated smack dab in the middle of the Celestial Cathedral. obviously a random magi who’s not entirely willing to do an action does not have the same power as Romana’s sacrifice, and they knew this! which is why they were fine doing it in the middle of the city of Erelia. It did infact obliterate the cathedral though! and several city blocks! and leaves them with like Chernobyl level radiation. It's a completely fucked situation.

I don't particularly have their ending thought out yet, but the gist is that they'll be killed by Maverick around the same time Alice is killed by Nox. Because i'm a fucking sucker for "friends turned to tragic enemies due to an ideological divide" and Az' death is a necessary action to help end the war.

But yeah! that's Azazel! lil trauma enby who is absolutely fucking going through it :)

[emberlynnrayne]

Weddings, Family, and Bullshit

What is it about weddings that make people so crazy? My sister’s wedding was this past weekend, August 8th, and good god, it couldn’t be over soon enough. There are so many threads of B.S. that tie into the knot of that day, I don’t know where to start. Oh! How about that it only happened because I got engaged? No, really. She had been saying for ages before it that they were “married in the eyes of God, and anything more is a paper of man” (Obviously my sister is more than religious enough to make up for my lack of it.) She said they were going to save up for a nice wedding and they were in no rush. She said these things over and over, as recently as days before my engagement was announced. Not only that, my sister has always been very “I’m the oldest, I should be first!” To an incredibly irritating and delusional degree. So just a week after I was engaged, she announced her plan to have her wedding. God. Dammit. Because of this, our weddings were made to be a competition. With little over a year and a half for me to plan mine, and barely 6 months for hers, the family decided that her wedding was going to be a wreck and mine would be gorgeous. No pressure, right? But she just kept screwing herself over! She bought a 4 foot metal swimming pool, and literally HOURS later posted to facebook complaining about trying to afford her wedding. I wanted to be happy for my sister, but for a thousand reasons, I just couldn’t. She kept shooting herself in the foot only to butch and moan like it was someone else’s fault, the family kept comparing all our decisions, and she was such a smug, childish cunt I just wanted it to be over. Some maid of honor I am, huh? But I was only her maid of honor because she moved to a nasty little chicken farm town in GA, alienated her friends, and made a number of bad decisions that keep her broke and housebound. She had no one else and it was her own fault. Oh, and she was planning to milk me for every penny she could. Unfortunately for her, my stable job and working fiance pay our bills, and we do put our bills and responsibilities first, so there really wasn’t anything left for her. You know her church offered her a choice between a wedding shower and free catering for her wedding? Guess which she chose. Then she tried getting our father to do all the cooking and serving. I sound like a terrible person and sister, but I’m still mad. I held all this in, kept a smile on my face, and stayed supportive for her. I did everything I could do for her because in spite of all the crap, I love her and this was her big day. With her date literally 2 month in the year before my chosen date, October 8th, which I had announced before her, as well. All that aside, I sucked it up, put a smile on my face, made the trip to the most disgusting town in GA, and did my best to make sure she had a great day. And it turned out alright. I wouldn’t have chosen blue and orange for my colors, but Rosanna and I have always been incredible opposites.

Family. Oh, tumblr, will you ever hear the end of my family troubles? DRAFT END

Here’s my thoughts, several years later.  Rosanna is stuck in a holier than thou, victim mentality. I was so angry when I wrote the above post, because I was tired of the competition. It didnt stop after this, either. Years later, long after I went no contact with her, she scheduled her baby shower to be on my daughters birthday. She knew from family that that day was my daughters birthday, but she didnt care. Rosanna was the favorite. The golden child that got what she wanted. We were raised in constant competition with each other. She was the normal child that my parents could understand and support. I was the troubled child that liked weird things and they didnt understand. Thats a whole thing to write another day. 

Ive been no contact with my sister for years, and I dont regret it. She’s not a good person, she doesnt make healthy, responsible decisions, and she uses her christian god as a weapon and validation for her toxicity. “You dont need antidepressants, you need god.” was probably the final straw for me. Shes homophobic, ignorant, and so very self absorbed. She doesnt care that she hurts people. Im past being sad about the disconnect.  I dont know what else to write, so Im going to end this here. 

[cptindanvers]

as this season ends [you pt. 2]

summary: you get over what you can’t fix. but bandaids can’t stitch things back to how they were.

pairing: steve harrington x reader

notes: big ANGST!! hurt/comfort, a lot of relationship building & slow burn. slightly canon-divergent for the ~drama~

word count: 3.7k!! buckle in buds

a/n: WOOOOOO it’s been a while!! this part is really different from the first one but im very proud of both of them (you pt1 is one of my fav fics ive written) but my writing style has changed a lot and i really hope this part doesnt bore anyone,, im a fan of longer works and am really happy with how this part turned out :)

part one / part one [remastered] / part two / part three | masterlist

Autumn had taken longer to come this year. The sticky summer heat slowly dissipated as the leaves turned brown and the temperature dropped steadily. Cool air greeted you every time you stepped outside; the pre-winter chill was beginning to teeter on uncomfortable, rippling wind bringing back painful memories.

For the first time in a long time, things were comfortable - as much as they could be. The ache in your heart subsided as the months grew on, and you accepted the relationship between Steve and Nancy.

Honestly, you had forced yourself to push down any negative emotions you most certainly felt - seeing the way Steve and Nancy looked at each other felt like a pat on the back and a punch in the face all at once. They were clearly happy together; that was all you wanted for your friends, right? Plus, Steve had changed, so much. Some nights you wished you were the one who could’ve brought that change. You wished you were good enough to make him want to be better.

But you didn’t let it hurt you anymore.

You were more than content with your relationships now - Steve and Nancy were still kept at an arm’s length away; though you didn’t think they even noticed with how absorbed they were in each other. Your place in the Byers household grew tremendously, considering you barely even glanced at Jonathan Byers before… everything.

A routine formed a few weeks after the nightmares began - the bags under your eyes and a slip in conversation gave you away to Jonathan. Neither of you could sleep soundly; memories of the monster that had hunted your loved ones always in the back of your head.

You hung out at the Byers’ more and more - you spent the night more often than not, your place at the breakfast table established long ago. You and Jonathan took turns driving to school, splitting to your respective classes and later finding each other in the parking lot for lunch; sometimes you ate in a comfortable silence, sometimes you’d listen to music accompanied by light conversation and bubbly laughter. Whatever it was, you two were inseparable.

The two of you were a sight - former Steve Harrington conquest with freak Jonathan Byers, previously rumored to have killed his brother? There were dozens of whispers and rumors surrounding you everywhere you went.

The grand decline of your social standing didn’t really faze you; you’d only had a place in the Hawkins High social pyramid by association with Steve, and you’d really rather be called a waste of a pretty face behind your back than deal with Steve and Company again.

When that last bell rang, you were the first one out of your class. Leaning by Jonathan’s locker as eager kids pushed past, you’d wait for him to reach you from his class on the opposite side of school. That car ride home was always your favorite part of the day, windows down and worry momentarily escaping you.

Though, the anxiety never held off for long.

Everything that happened last year would stick with you for the rest of your life; that much was clear early on. You hadn’t realized the extent of how deeply it all haunted you until you realized how small your circle had become. Circumstances aside, deeper relationships were limited to the people who’d gone through last year’s events with you. Which led to a more careful watch over everyone, especially the kids.

A protectiveness over Will had started since he’d gone missing, and had slowly spread to each member of the party - much to their annoyance. Despite your overprotective tendencies, you’d always ended up winning the kids over with snacks or toys, to which they’d declare how you were their favorite older teen and their beloved Paladin, whatever that meant. (You’d really tried to sit with them and understand their game, considering the monster you’d fought last year was straight out of it - but the entire thing made your head spin.)

Now, Halloween was coming up and you could feel the excitement radiating off the boys as they discussed their plans for Ghostbuster costumes. You could see the worry in Joyce’s eyes when Will hinted towards the group’s plans to trick-or-treat; it was easy to spot when you shared the same concerns. You trusted Will and the boys, but anything could happen. Though, as Joyce slowly but surely warmed up to the idea, you couldn’t help but share Will’s excitement for the greatest night of the year.

Things were comfortable - as much as they could’ve possibly been. Then, suddenly and painfully, that thin blanket of normalcy was ripped to shreds.

⁂

It was up to you and Jonathan to chaperone the kids tonight, but god. This headache was killing you and there was no way you’d be able to handle screaming kids all night. After an eternity of pleading and reassurance, you were snuggled on your couch, relishing the silence around you. It didn’t take very long for you to drift off, dreamless sleep taking over. You didn’t mind; it was the best case scenario nowadays.

A harsh knock at the door startled you awake, heart rate increasing as your throat tightened with worry. Anxious, unreasonable thoughts flooded your brain as you waited for any confirmation that the sound was conjured by your own disheveled mind, jumpy and paranoid.

A second knock at the door, weaker than the other, led you to the door in an instant. You could barely make anything out through the small peephole in the dark. You took a deep breath before opening the door with one good pull, your brain taking a while to catch up when you realized the figure you saw was walking away before turning towards you in surprise. The reasonable idea that it was Halloween night with tons of kids running around suddenly made its way into your brain.

But the figure on your porch was entirely too tall and alone to be kids trick-or-treating.

Your brain came to a stop when you realized who that figure was, squinting in the dim light to make sure you weren’t officially losing it.

“Steve?”

Steve looked like a deer in headlights, perfectly still as he tried to make sense of the emotions on your face.

“Sorry,” was all he could say as he turned away from you, guilt mixed with something else.

He shouldn’t have come here. He had no right to do this to you, to seek out your comfort when he’d hurt you so badly before.

“Steve,” your voice came out softer than you’d expected, gentle and warm. “It’s okay.”

With a few unconscious steps taken forward, Steve was wrapped up in your arms, arms tight against you as his body shook.

“It’s okay.” You repeated, rubbing circles into his back as you felt silent tears stain your shoulder.

Steve hadn’t told you what happened, but that terrible, sinking feeling in your chest and with his broken sobs were enough for you to invite Steve inside and out of the chilly autumn air.

Leading him to the couch and wrapping the blanket you were under only thirty minutes ago, you sat next to Steve in silence; hands over his in comfort as he collected himself.

“Nancy…” he started, voice breaking.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me.” You didn’t really want to know. You were treading on a thin line of friendly and actually friends with Steve. One wrong move would crush the wall you’d spent so long building. All the distance you kept wouldn’t have been for nothing if you never let Steve get too close.  

What if you fell in love with him again?

“I think she broke up with me.” Steve’s voice was quiet, but the pain in his voice was evident. It was the same pain you heard when he talked about his parents, or his future, or anything he used to share with you in a hushed voice. All those talks that’d end with a kiss and a promise that you’d find a way to fix things, together.

“Oh, Steve.” You squeezed his hands harder, hoping the motion would ground him, if nothing else. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s what I deserve, right?” Steve laughed humorlessly, hesitantly pulling his hands away from yours.

“What? No, it’s not-”

“Enough with that... bullshit.” Steve shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “We hurt you. I hurt you. It’s karma.”

“Steve. You don’t deserve this.”

“You’re right. I don’t deserve you.” Steve pulled back, looking anywhere but you. “I shouldn’t be here.”

“Steve!” You were frustrated now, exasperated that Steve’s name was seemingly the only thing you were able to say. You knew he always felt bad about what he did but…

“I forgave you. Both of you.” You said as soothingly as you could. Your mind was a mess; the hurt mixing with sympathy as Steve spilled his heart out. You still cared about Steve, even through your messy breakup. Maybe that was a mistake. It would’ve been a lot easier for you to hate Steve and Nancy, but you couldn’t. They were good people, underneath everything. One mistake didn’t have to dictate the rest of their lives.

“Yeah, I didn’t deserve that either.” Steve laughed bitterly.

“I don’t think it’s very fair for you to decide what you deserve or not. That was my choice. Take it or leave it.” You didn’t mean to snap. An uncomfortable silence hung around the two of you as your words settled in.

“You still deserve to be happy, Steve.” Even if it’s not with me.

Steve turned to look at you, really look at you. He hadn’t done that in a while. You picked at the hem of your plain t-shirt, pajama clad legs crossed over each other. Your eyes were puffy with dark circles he’d never noticed before. How long had they been there?

Steve opened his mouth to say something, but nothing seemed to form. No words, no thoughts. How had you loved him when you were selfless and he was so selfish?

Your landline rung, saving Steve from having to break the silence. He clutched onto the blanket tighter, averting his eyes as you got up to answer.

“Hello?” You were expecting Jonathan to answer on the other end, letting you know that the kids were home safe. He knew how much you worried.

“Hey sweetie, sorry to call so late. Mike and Will are here and really, it’s no problem if Will stays for a while! But Dustin and Lucas didn’t come by, so-

"I’m so sorry, Mrs. Wheeler, I’ll be right there.” Where the hell was Jonathan?

“It’s really not a problem! No one at the Byers’ was picking up, so I just got a little worried. I know you’re really close with them.”

“Yeah.” You nodded, not realizing Mrs. Wheeler couldn’t see you. “I’ll be right there.”

You hung up abruptly, cutting off whatever Mrs. Wheeler was saying.

A new wave of worry washed over as you wondered where Jonathan had gone. Had something happened to Will that made him go to Mike’s so early into the night? Why weren’t the others with them?

You turned around and were hit with guilt. You’d completely forgotten Steve was there. He was standing now, attempting to neatly fold the blanket he’d been using.

“I should go.” He stated, full attention on smoothing the stubborn folds of the stupid blanket.

“You don’t have to.” You said, a little too quickly for your own liking. Steve looked away from the blanket for a second, glancing nervously at the sincerity in your eyes.

“You shouldn’t be alone right now.” You said sincerely.

So Steve let himself believe you.

“When’d you get a car?” Steve asked, inspecting the decorations as the two of you climbed in.

You shrugged. “A while ago.”

⁂

The rest of the ride was quiet, music from the radio playing lowly in the background. Occasionally, Steve would mutter more about what happened between him and Nancy, and you’d give him all the reassurance he needed. She was just drunk or, she really cares about you, y’ know? But the small smile on Steve’s face never seemed to reach his eyes.

You hadn’t realized how terrible of a situation it was until you knocked on Mrs. Wheeler’s door and she opened up with a bright small, albeit a little surprised to see Steve.

Shit. How could you be so stupid, bringing Steve to Nancy’s house?

“Basement?” You said abruptly, not realizing you cut off the conversation Mrs. Wheeler was having with Steve.

“Oh, yes-”

“Thanks.” You’d apologize for your rude behavior later.

You knew realistically, Will was fine, but that itching feeling in your chest wouldn’t go away, anxiety mixing with nerves to get Steve out of there.

It’d been a while since you’d been inside the Wheeler house, taking a second to process where you were going in your frazzled state. You turned a corner too quickly and consequently almost crashed into someone.

Your name left Jonathan’s lips as his left yours, both tones confused. Jonathan’s concern only grew when he glanced at Steve behind you.

“Are you here for Will?” You asked, searching for answers on Jonathan’s face.

“Will’s here?”

You could only gape at Jonathan in disbelief, your headache coming back as you rubbed your face with your hands in frustration.

“You-!” Rage consumed you but you bit your words back, knowing you’d say something you’d regret. “Yes, he’s here,” you managed to get out between grit teeth.

“Did something happen?”

“How am I supposed to know? You were supposed to be with him tonight.” The guilt in Jonathan’s eyes was enough for you to regret your words instantly. Moving past Jonathan, you opened the door to the basement before you could make things worse, clamoring down the stairs in a hurry.

Will and Mike were sitting on the couch side by side, in deep discussion that was clearly not meant to be overheard, evident by the way their heads snapped at the sudden noise. Were they hiding something?

They greeted you instantly, confused by the two boys that followed your lead, especially Steve. But they’d heard how your angry voice carried and decided against poking at the subject.

“You guys have fun?” You asked with a smile, a complete 180 from your brief conversation with Jonathan.

As if it wasn’t obvious, the boys glanced at each other before delivering stiff smiles. “Uh.. yeah.” Mike coughed.

Definitely hiding something.

“Are we going home now?” Will stood up abruptly. That was the nail in the coffin - Will was never eager to leave his friends.

“Yeah, but I won’t be staying over tonight. Sorry, bud.” You smiled softly at Will, hand on his shoulder as you guided him up the stairs.

“Goodnight, Mike!” You called down. “Brush your teeth or they’ll all fall out!”

“Shut up!”

⁂

You let Will and Steve jump into Jonathan’s and your cars, respectively, before you pulled Jonathan aside.

“Where the hell were you? Why weren’t you with the kids?”

“I let them go by themselves for a while.” Jonathan shrugged.

“What was more important than them? Than Will?”

“Don’t do that. Nothing’s more important than Will.” Jonathan scoffed. “I just went to a party-”

“A party? Since when do you abandon Will to go to fucking parties?”

“I didn’t abandon him!” Jonathan ran a frustrated hand through his hair in an attempt to recollect himself. “You know, you have to stop treating him like he’s five eventually.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was the devil for worrying. You weren’t there because you decided to go to some stupid party and something happened-”

“Something happened?”

It was your turn to scoff.

“Are you fucking kidding? It’s obvious-”

“Oh, so you know Will better than I do now?” Jonathan knew he was being completely unreasonable now, but he couldn’t help the words spilling out of his mouth.

You turned back to your car, headache hammering through your skull.

“Call me when you find out what happened.”

“Yeah, go back home with Steve. What the fuck is up with that, anyway!” Jonathan called after your retreating figure, wanting to kick himself instantly. He’d have a lot of apologizing to do later. But for now, he got into the car, waiting for Will to say something, anything about what happened. Was he really such a terrible brother not to notice anything wrong with Will? On the trip back home (including all the stalling Jonathan did to give Will extra opportunities), nothing left Will’s mouth other than a fake yawn and quick goodnight.

⁂

Your hands clutched your steering wheel angrily, knuckles noticeably white. You and Jonathan never argued. You knew it’d all turn out okay between you two, but he had serious explaining to do. And yet, his words kept replaying in your head.

You have to stop treating him like he’s five eventually.

You did not treat Will like a toddler! You treated him like he was a preteen, which he was! And he almost died last year, he wasn’t like every other kid!

You didn’t realize you’d voiced these thoughts aloud until Steve nodded. “I completely agree with you, but I think you were supposed to turn right a few blocks ago.”

“Shit,” you hissed, realizing you’d long passed your house. Pulling over, you smacked your head against your steering wheel. “Shit.” The sound of defeat was so strong, Steve couldn’t help but lean over to place a warm hand on your back.

“Hey, it’s okay. We’ll just make a U-turn, there’s no one on this street anyway.”

You grumbled something incomprehensible against the wheel, and Steve knew it wasn’t just about the missed turn.

“Hey, it’s just trouble in paradise, right?” Completely ironic.

“We’re not dating.” You didn’t know why you felt the need to clarify that. “He’s like a brother to me. A completely annoying, totally idiotic brother.”

Steve just nodded, words repeating in his mind, hammering all the way to his chest. Or was just the beat of his heart?

If there was anything Steve remembered about you, it was how you hated being wrong. He also knew how deeply you cared for people, more than yourself sometimes. It was something he’d always loved about you; another painful reminder of how good you were towards him. Of how badly he’d ruined things.

“The worst part is he’s right. We’ve all been treating Will like… like he’s sick or something. He’s not allowed to go anywhere by himself. God, even school. I feel like I can’t breathe until I see him go inside. And he does, and I just sit there and wait. Like something’ll happen at any second. Like I could stop it if it did.” Admitting everything out loud… you felt so stupid. Stupid for Will, stupid for Steve. He’d come to you for comfort and here you were, making it all about you. How was Steve able to stand it? How could he stand you?

“I can drop you off, if you want.” You gestured weakly to the open road ahead of you.

“You shouldn’t be alone right now.” Steve smiled softly, patting your back.

How could he be so selfless when you were being so selfish?

⁂

You arrived back at your house and very awkwardly handed Steve some of his own clothes to sleep in. You’d kept them stored in a box in the bottom of your closet; too embarrassed to give them back but too hurt to wear them.

An argument about sleeping arrangements was cut short with Steve essentially pushing you onto your bed. However, he hadn’t anticipated that, startled by the movement, you’d reach out to grab the closest thing for stability; which happened to be Steve.

The proximity brought back bitter memories; you could see the same ones that haunted you reflecting in Steve’s eyes. And yet, both of you hesitated; reveling in the familiarity but knowing whatever you had, had been broken long ago.

“I should- Couch.” Steve sputtered out, tripping over himself to get off you.

“Yeah.” You mumbled softly. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Steve gently squeezed your hand. He stood there a while, then briskly left the room before he could do anything he’d regret.

⁂

One night was all it took for everything to crumble.

The dam broke, your defenses fell. Angry, hot tears fell out of your eyes as your fists clenched around your pillow, overwhelming pain in your heart and in your head.

Finding out about Steve and Nancy had been one of the worst pains of your entire life. Forgiveness had come easily to you after the fact; who were you to stop them from being together? You weren’t one to cling on to a hopeless relationship.

Though you supposed you never got a chance to process your hurt fully; it was one thing after another, and there were much bigger things for you to concern yourself with than an ex-relationship.

But Steve was with Nancy, that was a fact. Despite how terrible it was, it worked out for you in some ways. If Steve was unavailable, you couldn’t feel anything other than friendship for him. If Steve wasn’t around, you couldn’t desperately wish it was you in his arms rather than Nancy.

So, you told yourself it was okay. It didn’t hurt. Out of sight, out of mind.

But, now… there was the possibility that Steve was available for you to love again, and did you really want to subject yourself to that? But the Steve you knew before and the Steve you were seeing now weren’t lining up and it made your heart hurt and your head spin. Through all the counterarguments you presented to yourself, it all led you back to the original, unfixable issue.

Steve just didn’t love you anymore. Or maybe he never did in the first place.

Your feelings were all rushing back, crushing you with their weight. The feelings you’d willed away, pushed down until they were no longer acknowledged overflowed and exploded. One-sided attraction was bad enough, but it didn’t help that you were still painfully in love with someone who hurt you.

And you couldn’t help but wonder that maybe, if you’d met Steve post-Nancy-Wheeler, it all could’ve worked out; but it was too late for that.

It was much too late for what could’ve been.

[mikeyelistsukasa]

How about a idol/famous? (Idk) au where Mitsuba, Kou, and Teru who loves to spoil their shy s/o to death, but they have a hard time smiling due to their past? And they will try anything to make their s/o smile no matter what, so they went to this random event where they finally smiled for the first time (hopefully this made sense 🥲)

(ALSO I LOVED THE DRAWINGS YOU MADE 🥺💖)

I can’t believe i needed a month for it. Mitsuba’s is so short because i lost the files for him 6TIMES i struggled w the request so i had to change it a bit so sorry abt that.not proofread

How the hell did u two end up together ??????

Srsly HOW

Ohhhhh you were sakura’s/tsukasa’s/kou’s friend how classssiccc🙄

Anyway-

Since we talk about Mitsuba it’s obvious that he would first say some nasty remarks every time he saw you sad

But that didn’t help(well obviously what did you expect)

Thats why he tried ACTUALLY offered to listen to your struggles

Wdym u don’t need noone to talk??? Then stop being sad>:(

Buying your favourites also didn’t help you awe :(

So he decided to do something he thought he would never do

Bring you to his favourite secret place

„Can i finally open my eyes?“

You say in a exhausting voice

„Not yet so stop nagging“

You mentally rolled your eyes

„Alright we are here“

„Finally! It’s about….time“

„I introduce you! My hiding spot✨“

„Mitsuba…this…this is amazing!“

„Ofc its amazing! My taste in places was always…beautiful…“

His mind was empty when he saw your face.your smile.

It was so beautiful!

„Thank you mitsuba! You’re the best“

After you gave him a small kiss on the cheek he promised himself one thing

He’d promise to make you smile like that more often

Now you two together make more sense 🤝

He also found out about by someone else (aka yashiro or teru)

This poor boy was kind of nervous approaching you

You thought he was nervous to talk to you because he found out who you are but-

That wasn’t the case

Like AT ALL

its just that he is sorta shy around new people(mostly girls)

And you kind of looked sad so he thought maybe it was a bad timing to approach you

You were relieved that it wasn’t the first thing you thought

As you two started talking more and more you two developed feelings for eachother

You liked how kou gave his best to make you smile

You two enjoyed baking together

But one day

You felt comfortable enough around him to reveal yourself as an idol/singer

The exorcist was too stunned to speak

This dude started treating you like you’re a queen and he went back to his shy self

Like a celebrity? Hanging out with HIM?

„Im probably dreaming“

*pinch*

…

He wasn’t dreaming at all

His crush a celebrity wow

Lord have mercy when you two started dating

Him being a bit insecure always thought that you don’t like being with him

Thats why he was bringing you lots of gift in some hopes

„S/o-san/kun! I baked you these heart shaped mini cakes! Please take them!!!“

„Oh thank you kou you didn’t had to…“

T-T mission failed you didn’t smile

More like the opposite you looked even more depressed

Its not that you didn’t like the gift its just it feels as if he made you these just because of who you are

God were you wrong

He came home disappointed when suddenly his brother teru popped up

„Yo kou. Look ive got 2 tickets from a secret admirer at school. Probably another fan.I don’t feel like going so i thought maybe you might want them?“

💡💡💡

„YES PLEASE GIVE ME“

„Haha calm down here“

It was 2 tickets for a… carnival?

Nonetheless he thought it was worth a shot

He looked at the data of the tickets and asked you if you could come to *address* at *idk insert some time*

You messaged back with a yes since you got curious on why he wants to see you so badly.

You dressed up not too fancy and went on your way

„Hey! So where are we going?“

„TO Aaaaaaa CARNIVAL!“

„Carn-? Woah hey no need to pull im coming im coming“

You two only took one step into the carnival and your eyes were already glowing from excitement

„Woah…“

„Follow me!“

Lets just say you had lots of fun on all those rides

Kou even won you a huge white rabbit! How adorable

Before you guys went home you two decided to go on the ferry wheel

When you two got on top of it you were able to see everything from up there.

Thats when you smile.

„Look! It’s that trashy ride that made me throw up hahahah…“

It felt like the whole time froze when he saw your smile

I mean you were so happy what else could you want more other than being on a top of a ferry wheel with your beloved one and a huge stuffed animal.

You looked into kou‘s direction

„thank you kou. I owe you one“

That smile was weak but it was a genuine soft smile

„I-uh uhm well no wait- it’s alright no problem hah-„

He will definitely cook teru his favourite meal after this ends

You two met at cooking class(let’s pretend tbhk has this)

„S/o L/n and teru minamoto“

Suddenly you felt like everyone was staring at you

Which they were

„Hey! Im teru nice to meet you. Im gonna be your partner for today. Im bad at cooking though so i will just try to assist you“

„I- uhm no Worries“

He cant be THAT bad at cooking right?

„WHY IS THE OVEN TURNED ON SUCH A HIGH DEGREE IT BURNED THE BUNS“

„Ah sorry my bad haha“

„why you little-„

*death stares around the room*

„Hah its alright we can make new ones“

It was fun to hangout with you so he decided to secretly keep having contact with you

*cough cough cuz of fans cough*

As much as he enjoyed your company he noticed that he never saw you genuinely smile.

He did question at least once

„Hey um are you alright?“

If you won’t tell him he would be concerned on what is going on but won’t push you into telling him

He is honestly the only one that won’t put lots of effort into making you smile

Buuut he will try eventually

But to no luck just like the other two

But one day one of his fans gave him 2 tickets to a show to look at the dolphins. As a thank you for helping them yesterday

The two tickets were meant for him and his brother kou and well

The thing is kou has detention

„i warned him. You will get caught in the girls bathroom eventually“

He laughed to himself remembering the scene

Thats when it hit him that he could invite you

You ofc not having anything to do exept be prepared for the next concert agreed

You didn’t know the tickets were given to him

So you eventually took your seats and waited for the show to start.

It was fun. But not fun enough to make you smile

He already lost all his hopes while standing in a line with you to pet the dolphins

Thats when a miracle happened

You smiled to yourself when the dolphin made a sound from your touch

„Do you think he likes it teru?“

„Hm? Oh yeah i gue𝚜𝚜...’’

Woah

So is that how you like when you smile?

Ngl this made the boy blush a little

Its like he fell for you again.

He sat down next to you to pet the dolphin with you.

“You know…”

“?”

“You should smile more often.it looks good on you sweetheart”

0///0

Thank you for your request sorry it took so long🥲 have a nice day and visit again!

[havin-a-wee]

If Only She Knew

pairing: dad!harry x cheerleader!reader

word count: 4.2k

warnings: smut (fingering + unprotected sex), cheerleading position implies readers weight, 20 year age gap

hi! ive been having some really bad writers block but i wrote this and even though its def not my best work i like it enough to post it :) also, i totally didn't mean to imply the readers weight, i only realized afterwards, so im really sorry about that. also the age gap is kinda big, so if ur uncomfy with that you shouldn't read this <3

PLEASE REBLOG IF YOU ENJOY

“Geez watch where you’re going!”

You don’t even look up at the girl, recognizing her nasally voice easily from how annoying it is. You were nose deep in a book while walking down the school hallway, and of course your worst enemy had to be walking down the same hallway, at the same time, in the opposite direction. You are both at fault for the collision, considering Ella had her eyes locked on her instagram feed. But knowing the girl, there is no way in hell that she will take any responsibility, even though you are the one who has coffee dripping down the front of your white blouse.

Since middle school, Ella Styles has always hated you. You have never known why, but she seems to have a vendetta against you, and tries her best to make your life miserable. You never let her, always refraining from giving her the explosive reaction that she was looking for. And that makes her hate you even more.

High school is over in 2 months, and although you are going to miss the freedom of being a child, you most definitely won’t miss the people from the tiny town you’ve lived in since you were young. You’ve always been the type of person to have a small friend group, only 4 people in your circle. But that’s how you like it, because crippling social anxiety makes it difficult for you to meet new people.

“I- sorry.” You still don’t look at her, instead peeling the soaking wet top off of your stomach.

“You better be sorry.” She flips her blonde hair, ensuring that the fluffy locks hit you right in the face. You are lucky this time seeing as she didn’t take it further, because sometimes she would purposely embarrass you after small incidents such as this one.

Tears well at your waterline and you run into the nearest bathroom, pushing open the blue door and locking yourself in a stall.

After all these years of torment, Ella rarely was able to get to you. But sometimes, she does something that pushes you off the edge, leaving you with red, tear-stained cheeks. The final straw this time was her ruining your brand new shirt, the one you were anxiously waiting to debut at school.

But now there was coffee dripping down your chest and staining the bright white fabric. Your only saving grace is the cheerleading uniform in your backpack. In fact, you were walking to the locker room to change for practice, and then for the game at 6 tonight.

You had been excited for the game, knowing that Friday night games always led to parties and fun afterwards. You rarely go to parties of course, but the buzzing energy never fails to rub off on you. But now that stupid Ella had to go and mess up your day, you’re dreading seeing her smug face while she asserts her dominance as cheer captain.

You untie your top and rip it off in a haste, frustrated tears running down your face periodically. You could’ve put a jacket on and gone to the locker room, but Ella would be going there soon, and the last thing you want to do is run into her with teary eyes. She can’t know that you let her get to you.

You brush your hands down your uniform, pulling down the skimpy costume and stuffing your old clothes in your backpack. Once out of the stall, you pull your hair up into a high ponytail, reapply your lip gloss and walk back into the hallway, having already done your makeup that morning. You’re happy that it’s a home game today, because the home game uniforms are two pieces and the skirts are smaller than the ones on the away game uniforms. There is a certain someone you are looking to impress, and the way your tits spill out from the top of the outfit will most certainly help you in your mission.

It’s not like you need to impress him, because he’s shown time and time again that he finds you sexy no matter what you wear. And when he doesn’t tell you, he shows you, by pressing his hard on up against your ass after you just woke up, despite your messy hair and bare face.

However, he also loves when you tease him. And that’s exactly what you’re planning to do.

You sling your heavy backpack over one shoulder and trudge down the hallway, the old fluorescent lights practically blinding you on your journey. The locker room is dingy, smelling of cheap soap and Victoria’s Secret perfume. At least it doesn’t smell like the boys locker room, which smells like sweat and more sweat.

It's already bustling with people, your teammates scrambling to get ready in time as to not get yelled at by the coach.

“Y/N!” The familiar shout of your best friend Rose is like a breath of fresh air, and you bound over to her. She’s standing in front of your lockers, the two of you obviously picking ones next to each other. “Wait, why are you already changed?”

“The bitch spilled her coffee all over me,” you grumbled, your eyes shifting over to where Ella and her little goons are giggling.

“I keep telling you, anytime you want me to beat her up I will gladly do it.”

“Not that I doubt your abilities Rose, because I know you would have her on the ground in a heartbeat, but I can’t let you do that. She can’t know that she upsets me.” You lower your voice for the second sentence, irrationally fearing that she can hear you over the loud chatter echoing through the room.

“I still think you should let me beat her up, but you do you I guess.” Rose shrugged her shoulders and turned back to her locker, bursting out into laughter with you after a beat of silence.

The rest of the getting ready process goes smoothly, Rose distracting you from the girl side-eyeing you in the corner. Soon enough, the whole squad was in formation outside, and you have your hands on the shoulders of Rose and another girl named Bethany. You are a flyer, meaning that you’re the one who the bases support while you pose and flip in the air. Its a hard job, but you are one of only three girls on the team who is advanced enough at flying to be safe doing it in routines. One of the other three girls is Ella.

Ella is the flyer for the middle group, seeing as she is the captain. You are on the right and the other group is on the left. Luckily, Rose is a base in your group, so you feel a lot better putting your safety in the hands of someone you already trust with your life.

“ELLA! YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!” Coach Habbiths voice is piercing, her angry shrieks bouncing off your ear drums. Ella audibly huffs, displaying her frustration with the critiques she has been receiving since we learned the routine weeks ago. That’s one of the biggest problems with Ella, she believes that she's always right.

Every single practice she has done a needle instead of a scale at the end of the routine. It's aggravating for everyone, and that frustration is amplified everytime she makes the same mistake over and over. “Alright, everyone down. group 1 and group 3 take five, Ella and group 2 stay on the field.

The team obliged to her instructions, and you are brought down from the air.

“Okay Ella, I want you to watch how Y/N does the last move, because she’s actually doing it correctly.” Coach is standing in front of you now, and she emphasized the word ‘correctly’. This is much to Ella’s dismay, and much to your excitement.

Nothing brings you more joy than seeing Ella’s face when you one up her, and this time is no exception.

Aside from a few eye rolls and nasty looks, Ella corrects the move without much fuss. By now there's 15 minutes until the game, and the players have been warming up on the field for about half an hour.

“Did you see her face!” Rose tugs on your arm while you walk back to the locker room, water bottles in hand.

“I know! I should’ve taken a picture!”

“We can only hope that it knocked her ego down a peg.”

“I doubt it” Rose nodded in agreement and you continued your chatter, talking about the random things that best friends talk about.

“It’s go time ladies!” You jumped in surprise when Coach Habbiths yelling booms through the locker room, the hefty amount of metal in the room enhancing the echo.

In a blur, your entire team rushed out onto the field, the crisp air cooling your warmed skin. There was a huge crowd. probably the biggest the teams ever had. But that makes sense, because this game was against your school's biggest rival. Luckily, despite the huge crowd you were able to lock eyes with those piercing green irises you have gotten to know so well over the past couple months. Everytime you see him he gets more and more attractive, and this time is no exception.

At this point, the teams routine is muscle memory and you’re done with it before you can blink. Most people would think that being thrown in the air is memorable, but your main concern is the growing wet patch on your panties that spreads each time you squeeze your thighs together. Just the thought of the man is enough to turn you on, and now that you’re sitting on the cold metal bench your imagination has time to go wild.

The only thing that snapped you out of your daze was the eruption of appaulause from the audience, and the realization that the other cheerleaders were standing up and running towards the players. You breath out a sigh of relief, recognizing the cheering as a signal that the game has ended.

“Hey, you coming?” Rose tugs on your arm, looking down at you still on the bench.

“Um, actually I don’t feel so well, I think I’m going to go home.”

“I should’ve known. You know, one day you’re going to have to go to a party.” Rose places her hands on her hips, giving you a sarcastically annoyed stare.

“And today is not that day.” You grab your backpack and sling it over your shoulder, turning back to Rose for a second. “Have fun and be safe.”

“I always do.” Rose places a chaste kiss on your cheek before turning back to the gathering crowd on the turf.

Instead of heading to the sidewalk and walking home, you duck under the bleachers and walk down the gravel path, pushing open the fence that separates the field and the school. The contents of your backpack slosh around while you sway your hips as you walk. Finally, you make it to the back wall of the school, leaning your back against it and plopping your heavy backpack down by your feet.

And now you wait.

Much to your convenience, the wait this time isn’t long, only five minutes passing before you see the familiar man following the same path you did earlier.

He has a pair of brown slacks on, pressing against his waist courtesy of his black belt. A button up white shirt hides the tattoos on his stomach, but he's rolling up his sleeves as he walks over to you. He's walking with intention, hungry eyes zeroed in on you.

When he’s only steps away, you cheekily bite your lip and use your finger to push up your skirt a little bit more.

Your actions have the intended effect, his eyes blowing wide and hands grasping at your waist.

“Y’can’t do that.”

Before you have a chance to ask what he means, his lips collide with yours, his tongue slipping in only moments after the initial kiss. But as soon as he started, he pulls away.

“Y’can’t be teasing me on the field like tha’, had me hard next t’my friends.” His hand is on the wall above your head, and his other arm is wrapped around your waist pulling you into his chest. He’s panting, and you are too.

“Sorry Mr. Styles,” you push your bottom lip out in a pout, giving him the most innocent look possible. “Just wanted to wear it cause I know how much you like it.”

“Aw, my babygirl wore this f’me? Well I guess y’can be forgiven. Now let’s get t’my house before I fuck yeh right on this wall.” He places a soft kiss to your lips picking up your backpack from the floor and turning to the direction of his car.

“But it hurts!” He turns around again, giving you a sympathetic look and caressing your cheek. The rings on his fingers are cold, but you’re used to the feeling.

“I know sweet girl, but I can’t take care of yeh here, s’too risky.” He pauses for a moment, thinking of a solution to your not so little problem. “How bout I give y’my fingers in the car? Hows that sound hm?” You nod eagerly, pulling his hand down from your cheek and holding it. He takes the signal and begins walking to his car while you follow him.

You never planned to sleep with your bullies dad. But a few months ago your parents dragged you to a family friends housewarming party, and that friend happened to be a friend of Harry’s too. There were no other teenagers there, so your focus was on the attractive older man who had been checking you out since you first locked eyes, and after ending up in the upstairs bathroom together the two of you have been fucking at least twice a week. You only learned that he’s a dad when you saw him for the first time outside the party. He didn’t look the part, and you actually thought he was in his 20s until he corrected you. He’s 38, having become a parent at only 20 years old. Your relationship is a bit taboo, but you’re a mature 18 year old and you and Harry get along well. So well that your time together has developed from casual sex to a mutually exclusive relationship. (Neither of you like labels, but you’re basically boyfriend and girlfriend).

He makes you really happy, and when you have to face off against Ella, it helps knowing that you have power over her, even though she doesn’t know it.

“Did she do anything today?” Harry is walking beside you, hands still intertwined.

“Besides spilling coffee on my shirt, nothing much.” Harry sighs in frustration and squeezes your hand as a show of affection.

“M’so sorry, I wish y’didn’t ‘ave to deal with her.”

The thing about Harry and Ella is they can barely be considered family. Ella’s mom is, for lack of a better word, a bitch. She’s snobby, conceited, and rude, and those behaviors have rubbed off on Ella. Another thing that rubbed off on her was her mom’s hatred for Harry. Being young parents put strain on their already struggling relationship, and they split before Ella’s first birthday. Harry said he tried his best to make it work for Ella’s sake, but her mom was looking for someone to pay for her life, and Harry had just started working his way up as a businessman.

Now, he’s a CEO, but luckily Ella’s mom already found a new beau with plenty of money, so she didn’t come crawling back to him. However, the success Harry achieved only a few years after their breakup made her jealous, and so she instilled that anger in their daughter. So currently Ella spends most of her time with her mother, and when she is with Harry she doesn’t treat him kindly.

“It’s not your fault Harry, you don’t have to apologize for her actions.”

“I know, I jus’ hate tha’ she treats yeh like that.” He sighs again, reaching into his pocket to grab his keys. In a few more steps you’re standing outside the sleek black suv, walking around to the passenger seat and sliding in once you hear the click of the door unlocking.

You both take a few seconds to breathe, an unspoken gesture to prepare for the night's events. Harry turns to you, a sexy smirk plastered on his face. “What d’ya think about fixin’ that ache darlin?” You nod eagerly, sliding down a bit in your seat to give your legs room to spread. “Think yeh can take off y’skirt fo’me?” Your head bobs once again as you nod, hooking your fingers under the elastic waistband and shimmying out of the skirt. While you’re doing that, Harry turns the car into the deserted street, using only one hand to steer.

You toss the tiny skirt into his lap, giving him a signal without distracting his eyes from the road. He reacts immediately, his free hand coming down to squeeze your thigh. You mewl at the contact and bite down on your lip, trying to stop your hips from bucking up in search of relief. His squeezes move up your thigh, and finally his fingers press against your weeping cunt. Swiftly, he pushes your soiled panties to the side, swiping his fingers up your folds collecting your juices. You shriek and buck your hips up into his hand, but much to your dismay he removes it from between your thighs. The car comes to a stop at a red light, and Harry takes the moment to look at you, his eyes wandering your squirming body. He’s practically drooling when he places his fingers in his mouth, tasting your sweet wetness.

“Sorry pup, jus’ needed t’taste yeh.” He chuckles again, and you whine softly in desperation. In one quick motion, he dives his hand back to your pussy, pressing his thumb on your swollen clit.

“Fuck!” The pleasure shoots up your spine, goosebumps raising across your body as he rubs circles on the puffy button. “Harry- please,”

“What d’ya want puppy? Want m’fingers?”

“Yes, yes,” you breathe out, words barely comprehensible through your panting.

“Alright, alright, I gotcha.” And with that his two fingers press into you, filling your tight hole perfectly. There is no hesitation before he begins pumping the digits in and out of you and his thumb never lets up on your bundle of nerves. “Such a needy puppy, got yeh soaking f’me from out in the stands hm?” His eyes are still on the road, but you can picture the lust filled eyes that are undoubtedly on his face.

“Get so wet jus- just thinkin’ about you,” you gasp, writhing as his fingers slam in and out of you.

“Yeah? This is my cunt, m’the only one who can make yeh this wet, isn’t tha’ right?”

“Only Harry.” At your confirmation he speeds his hand up, your vision clouding with white spots as the knot building in your stomach grows tighter and tighter.

All of a sudden, he pulls his fingers out of you, leaving you empty. “Wha-” You begin to question him but you realize that he’s pulling into his driveway. Instead of complaining, you sit up quickly and unbuckle your seatbelt, pulling your skirt back up your legs to avoid being nude on his front lawn.

As soon as you feel the little jolt your hand yanks on the handle and you hop out of the car. Your brain is fuzzy with need and all you are focused on is alleviating the aching between your thighs. You hear Harry lock the car while you're on the steps, and you turn back to ensure that he’s behind you. And sure enough, he’s hot on your trail, just as eager as you to get inside and onto his bed. Your foot is tapping on the ground anxiously, waiting for Harry to unlock the front door. After what seems like an hour, he is next to you again, fumbling with the silver keychain in his hand, eventually unlocking and pushing open the door. You both practically run inside, hands roaming each other's bodies and lips locking as you shuffle through the hall.

You disconnect breathlessly when you reach the stairs, subconsciously wrapping your hands around Harry’s neck so he can pick you up bridal style. He does so hastily, barely a second passing before he’s plopping you onto the fluffy mattress. “Finally,” he pants, hands fumbling with his belt buckle. There’s a prominent bulge in his trousers, and although you’ve seen it plenty, you are always in awe at how thick and big he is. While he’s busy removing his clothes, you are practically drooling at the sight of his bare cock, full, heavy, and dripping precome.

“Harry?”

He looks back down at you with his emerald green eyes, simultaneously dropping his recently-removed shirt on the floor. “Can I ride you?” The look he gives you is indescribable, a mixture of need, lust, cockiness, and beauty all rolled up into one.

“Whatever y’want puppy,” His hands scoop under your ass, and he lifts you up and switches your positions. Now it’s your turn to undress, and Harry makes himself busy by running his hands up and down your torso. “So gorgeous, y’know that?” You nod quickly then pull your shirt off of your head. “Most beautiful girl in the world I reckon.” You blush at the compliment, butterflies being added to the many sensations occuring in your body. You straddle his thighs, wrapping your hand around his length and tugging a few times. A loud groan rumbles through his throat, and you smile knowing you’re the one who made him feel like that. “Thought- thought yeh said y’wanted to ride me pup.”

“I do.” You keep your hand on his cock, sitting up on your knees and lining him up with your weeping cunt. All at once, your body is put at ease as his cock fills you up perfectly. He bottoms out inside of you, both of you moaning and groaning while you adjust. “So big-” Your words come out in choppy pants, the syllables being cut off by your heaves. You suck in one deep breath and move upwards, sinking back down onto him quickly. His large hands hold a tight grip on your waist, guiding you up and down his member. His lips attach to your neck, suckling on the supple skin just enough so that it doesn’t bruise.

“What a dirty little puppy you are,” he growls, eyes focusing heavily on where your bodies connect, watching himself disappear inside of you as you bounce up and down on his cock.

“Feel so full-” Tingles ricochet down every part of your body, and your legs are becoming weaker with each movement. Harry can feel your movement faltering, so his hips thrust upwards to meet yours, fucking you from underneath. “Harry!”

“I know pup, I know.” His thumb strokes your cheek and he leans in for another kiss, devouring your plump lips and swirling his tongue around yours. “So fuckin tight,” The words tumble from his mouth in a low growl, which sends the butterflies in your stomach into a frenzy. His cock twitches inside of you, encouraging you to muster all your energy and finish both of you off. Adrenaline kicks in and your strength returns, riding him faster and harder than before. “Let go f’me Y/N.” It only takes a few more thrusts for you to come undone, Harry’s orgasm following suit. The waves of pleasure roll through your body, and you throw your head back in ecstasy as you allow the feeling to overcome your body. Spurts of his hot cum cover your velvety walls and you ride out your orgasms together, resting your foreheads against one another.

You end up sleeping at his house, feeling safe knowing that Ella is staying with her mom today. It’s normal for you to sleep at his place, seeing as both of you are usually so tired that you pass out before you can leave. What isn’t normal is for you to be woken up in the morning by Harry’s phone ringing. Harry is a deep sleeper, and you laugh at the sight of him conked out while his ringtone blares on the nightstand just a few inches away. Carefully, you reach over his sleeping body and grab the phone, planning on hanging it up and going back to bed. However, when you saw that it was Ella calling, you changed your mind. Making a split second decision, you slide the icon to the right, holding it up to your ear.

“Hello?” Her whiney voice rings through your eardrum and you wince. Not the nicest thing to be woken up to.

“Hello,” you answer, your voice not reflecting the cocky grin that spread across your face.

“Who the hell is this!” she shrieks, and you make a mental note that she must not be a morning person.

“A friend of your dads.” Your response is once again calm and monotone, trying to stifle the laugh that is bubbling in your throat.

“Ugh! What’s your name?”

“Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N”

[wizkiddx]

hiii!!! omg please please pleasee do a part two of 3 hearts broken cus it fucking slaps miss girl

part 2 to 3 broken hearts!!! ive been so 🥺 at all the lovely comments+interest pt 1 had so thanku all !

summary: serious serious angst again will tom somehow get it back (unlike looking cos boy is a fool)

warnings: again lots of swearing (im British sorry not sorry) / wayyyy too much tea / slating Dom abit (obvs fictional but idk if I like the guy sorry his opinions are :/) / commitment issues

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

read part 1 here!!!!

That was three days ago now. Three days since you'd spoken to your boyfrien- well, Tom. It wasn't evident what the situation was.

The typical British weather brought with it the most ironic pathetic fallacy you could ever see. The clouds were dark and glooming, firing angry pellets of rain out as hard as they could. When you had pulled up on the roadside, it had just been a light drizzle but synchronised with your anxiety levels rising - so did the rain. When you finally opened up the car door, you threw your hoodie open with a sigh before running up the pathway to the front door.

It was the same burgundy red that you knew so well, but this time instead of just letting yourself in - you stood in the rain used the brass knocker thing twice. To be honest, you were hoping that no one was home - but in that house, it was pretty unlikely. After 30 seconds of getting drenched in the downpour, you were about to let yourself in with the spare key before the door swung open.

"Oh! Er Y/n?"

"Yeh um hi." You had to shout a bit over the sound of what must now be classified as a storm.

"Toms not-"

"I know. Can I come in?" As awkward and stunted as this conversation was, if you didn't get out of the rain asap you would literally end up drowned.

“Oh er yeh-yeh yeh come in.”

Harry stammered as he held the door open, gesturing for you to enter into the tiled hallway. Gratefully, you followed, throwing your sopping wet hood back down and wiping your feet on the floor.

"Sorry for just showing up, but I left some scripts here. My management are on my arse to read them and-"

"And you waited till Tom left for mum and dads?" The fluffy-haired boy has caught you red-handed; there was no defence, so you didn't even try.

Because yes, you knew on a Friday afternoon when Tom was home he would always, like clockwork, go to his parents just to kick back and watch gogglebox with both of them. It was only natural then that you chose Friday afternoon to come and pick up your stuff.

"I've been waiting in my car for half an hour till I saw him leave." Harry half laughed at that, still the two of you standing opposite each other in the hallway. "Um, do you… do you hate me Harry?"

Clearly, he hadn't quite been expecting your question going by the way his eyes almost bugged out his head.

"No, I-I, of course, I don't… look, I'm home alone so you fancy a cuppa?" Not being able to help the small chuckle, you nodded appreciatively, following Harry through the house.

"Your answer to everything is tea."

Harry had prepared the two mugs in silence as you sat at the table waiting patiently - if nervously too. You didn't miss how Harry had still used your favourite mug, having had to dig through the cupboard to find the weird square-shaped thing. Once done, he rounded the kitchen island and placed it in front of you, which you instantly cradled in two hands - for the hope of warming you up.

"You cold?" Obviously, it was pretty evident that sitting in your rain-soaked hoodie was not cosy at all. "Hang on a sec."

The boy sprung up again, returning moments later with a hoodie in hand, one he offered out to you with a little smile. The issue was that him and Tom shared clothes, so the hoodie he was kindly offering to you also had been worn by Tom before. Which made it hurt a little bit to wear. It was better than sitting soaked through though.

"How have you been then?"

"Not the best, to be honest, but uh… how about you?"

"Being with Tom while he's fighting with you? Oh, it's a barrel of laughs. You might've escaped it, but I haven't." He was trying to lighten the mood, and you appreciated it, offering him a half-smile that didn't really meet your eyes.

"Yeh sorry about that."

"Don't apologise; it doesn't sound like it's your fault Y/n."

That surprised you. Tom, especially when he was in moods like he was when you argued, wasn't one to admit when he was wrong. It was usually how the world was against him and how he was so hard done by. Accepting responsibility was something he hadn't said to you yet - but at least, small steps.

"He say that?"

"Pretty much… doesn't seem like he's angry at you, but-but he's still angry."

"At the world?" You rolled your eyes; this seemed to be the same old Tom through and through. Still immature. Still not with the right mindset.

"At himself." Harry countered, slightly entertained, when he saw the flash of surprise in your face as he sipped his drink. "And me… if I dare to so much as breathe this week."

This time you properly laughed, and Harry joined in too before the room fell back to silence - except the noise of the rain hitting the garden patio slats. You swirled the tea round in your mug, feeling the brunette's eyes on you. He'd always been your fake little brother too, since you'd met the Hollands way back 3 and a half years ago. Tom and yourself were barely adults, which meant the twins were still proper children. Harry had always been the one that understood you. Hollands, by nature, loved humans - loved to talk, to chat, to gossip. But sometimes, doing all that socialising got too much for you, as it did for Harry. He was the only one that seemed to understand social exhaustion. So when those moments had hit, you'd kept each other company in silence.

He got you, sometimes in ways your own boyfriend didn't.

"You know why he got so worked up, right?" You shook your head, looking up curiously. "Dad got under his skin on his birthday zoom thing."

Ah, now that did seem to coincide with the start of Tom's more petulant phase. To be fair, Tom had been asking to move in together for near enough a year now - but it was only in the past month it seemed to be the only thing you'd talk about and obviously only three days since the flight back. Dom's birthday barely a week ago, whilst you and Tom were both filming - except Tom had managed to get a day off where you hadn't. So you hadn't heard this conversation.

"What'd he say?"

"Was talking about how he and mum were settling down at Toms age, joked about how you rejected him, said maybe you were holding out for something better."

"Something better?" Harry sighed, leaning forward onto his elbows.

"He'd seen an article just off a trashy tabloid… it named you Hollywood's golden girl or something, said you could have the pick of any person on the planet…"

Of all the people in the world, why is Tom affected by shit journalism? He knows how much bullshit people write. He knows how it's all made up, exaggerated nonsense. And what he should know, completely and totally, is how much you love him. And if he didn't, was that your fault? Had you done something wrong, something to make him doubt you?

Harry seemed to notice the internal dialogue going on in your head, adding to the point. "It wasn't the article though, it was the fact dad said it."

Hmmm.

You and Dom got on; it wasn't like you hated the possible future father in law or whatever. Just…. you had very different outlooks. As much as Tom prided himself on how' grounded his family keeps him' -to you at least, they aren't entirely at sea level either. They'd never really had any particular struggles in life. They were the definition of middle class, and that's about it. They lived in a posh suburb of London, had all their family still around. It was the perfect family.

And whilst you were in no illusions about how privileged your life was now. It hadn't always been. You'd never had the 'nuclear' family. Instead, only your dad and a string of dodgy and fleeting stepmothers while struggling to make ends meet. So you were just always wary of Dom, of his opinions that so often his boys took for gospel. They always seemed pretty sheltered and close-minded.

And yet, Tom was a grown man.

"I get that, I just… Tom should know that we know more about our relationship than his dad. I mean,… have I done something wrong? Made him think I'm not in this for the long haul?"

"No nonono Y/n he's just… well he's an idiot, isn't he? I don't think he properly understands why you're cautious about moving and everything. He's just an idio- "

Harry was cut off for lightly insulting his brother by the sound of the front door opening, both of your heads swivelling towards the source. You then met Harry's eyes in a panic, to which he replied relatively simply.

"Just talk to each other. For my sake." You would've argued if it weren't for the fact you were so focused on Tom's shuffling around in the entrance hallway - back early from his parents.

"Baz? Where you at? I thought I saw Y/n's car and-"

"Kitchen!!!" Before Tom could say anything else, possibly landing himself in more trouble, Harry interrupted as his chair screeched while standing up. And then Tom was just there. Standing in the doorway, his arms dropping limply to his side as he noticed you. Everything about that moment seemed to freeze, when you locked eyes with him for the first time in three days. It didn't go unnoticed, the way his Adams apple bobbed, the way his eyes widen. The boy looked plain and simply terrified.

It was Harry who broke the silence, after giving you a stern look that said 'stay'. The younger Holland boy walked up to Tom and spoke.

"Try actually talking and actually listening about your problems with each other." And then he was gone, down the hallway and up the stairs.

For a few moments, Tom stayed absolutely stationary, now staring at where Harry had been when speaking to the both of you (but mainly Tom). Long enough to put your sense of unease at an all-time high, ready to make a break for it.

"If you don't want to talk, then I can leav-"

"NO!" Apparently snapping out of it, Tom exclaimed loud enough to make you flinch from your seat. "Sorry! I-I just… I wasn't expecting to… you know, to see you."

"Yeh I just uh- just came to pick up some scripts… Harry cornered me with a tea, though; otherwise, I'd be…."

"Baz thinks the whole world could be fixed with tea."

"that's what I said!" You instinctively responded, forgetting the fact you're supposed to be mad at him, and just for a second falling back into your normal flow.

Tom didn't even try to hide his grin in response, until you quickly corrected your face- then he did too. Turning around to put the kettle on for himself. Because right now, he needed to fix his whole world, and he needed all the help he could get. For a period, the only noise was the sound of the kettle boiling, then the teaspoon clinking against the mug as he stirred - until he padded over, taking the seat across from you.

"So."

"So."

"It's been a while," Tom stated the bloody obvious.

"You never called."

"Didn't think you'd want me to."

You thought that the early signs weren't all that auspicious. His ability to read a situation once again failing.

"I wanted you to say something."

"Say what?"

"What do you think Tom?" He replied to the sarcastic tone by sucking in a sharp breath, holding it for a second, before slowly exhaling. As if trying to compose himself, take time to think of a response - a mature move for him.

"Well, I think you want me to say sorry? For being so moody and not waiting for you and for upsetting those kids. And thanks too, for covering for me?"

You just hummed. Waiting for him to continue. Because yes, you did deserve all those things. But you also deserved more. An apology for, oh I don't know, saying he didn't think you loved him? It was a wait that never ended, he had nothing more to add.

"Going by your face, I take it I missed something?"

The bloody cheek of it.

"Theres nothing else? Nothing else at all? …" You gave him that chance, the opportunity but all he could respond with was a shake of his head. "You thought I was fine about you saying that I don't love you?" You hadn't intended on raising your voice, but really you hadn't realised you did till after the fact. To blinded by rage at his ignorance.

"You want to talk about this now?"

"When else Tom?" You sighed, realising he perhaps wasn't ready for this conversation. Maybe he needed more time to think things through, have sense talked into him by various wiser family members. Or maybe, he never would be. That was the worst-case scenario. But also… you're most likely prediction.

He shuffled in his seat, clearing his voice but not saying anything. Not a peep.

"I have spent three years of my life with you. I've had countless nights of too little sleep because that was the only time you could facetime. I've exposed my relationship to the world and people's opinions because you didn't want to hide. All I've done is love you. How could you even say that?" There might've been tears in your eyes, yet you were determined to keep them at bay. You needed to have this out, one way or another, to be clear and cohesive and logical. No time to cry.

"Y/n I know that, I…" He sighed, instinctively reaching for your hand, but you were quicker to pull it away. There was hurt in his eyes, but so there should be. "It just sometimes feels like that's it for you. That yeh you love me but you just want to standstill. That this is as much as it'll ever be."

Your emotions were suddenly uncontainable. Your voice croaked as you whispered, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No love, nonono if that's how you feel then that's okay. But it's something I'm not… shit this is hard." He took a pause to take a sip of his drink, your glazed eyes never leaving his. "I don't think I can stand still anymore. And yeh I was pissy and childish the other day because my dad got under my skin about the whole moving in thing… But these past few days, it just has got me thinking. Because I love you, so much."

This time when he reached out to grab your hand, you actually leaned into it yourself. Not because you were giving in, but because this hurt. This hurt so fucking much that you needed something to ground you, or else god knows. Because the way he was speaking, it sounded so finite.

"I love you too."

"I do know, which is…is why this is so hard." At the very least, Tom had conceded that.

The conversation ceased to silence yet again. The room felt so cold; even Tom/Harry's hoodie was doing nothing to keep you from the endless empty cold that seemed to be coming from within.

"When I re-registered my health card last month, and I made you my emergency contact on it. I-I made you my next of kin on everything actually. I didn't think about it twice. And-and this-"You pulled your phone out of your back pocket, immediately pulling up the app onto the open page. "This is my Pinterest board for our baby's nursery theme. I know-" You paused, to quickly wipe your cheeks clear of the tear tracks that may or may not have been there. "I know it's probably a long way away, but I just love the Scandinavian theme." You laughed at yourself, suddenly embarrassed at your blabbering and quickly pulled up a different app. "And this… this was from the other week when I was helping Y/bf/n start her vows." Hands trembling as you turned the phone around for Tom to see again. "She was finding it really tricky so she said, what would you say to Tom on your wedding, so-so I made this list." You only dared to look at him when you were sure he'd be reading through that note.

It was bizarre because he looked… well, he looked happy. Here you were feeling traumatised, showing things that you'd barely even deeped how committed they were - and he was pleased? Feeling the fire burn once again inside of your chest, you quickly swiped the phone away and back into your pocket. Only then did he look up, eyes widening - presumably at quite how psychotic you looked.

"So don't you dare say that I don't want a future with you."

You said it with such force, there was a pause. Tom letting those words sink deep into his brain. The way his expression flickered minutely gave you hope. You thought he got it. You thought he really understood now.

"But why don't you want to move in then?"

There it was again. He knew why. But he didn't get it. And, probably, he never would.

You were about to crash completely. So you ran. As fast as your legs could carry you, not even aware of your chair crashing to the floor in your wake. You ran out of that house and away from him. Away from who you had thought was the love of your life.

?give tom a final chance w one last part?

feedback is always v v appreciated <3

tom taglist : @lovehollandy12 @hollandlover19 @thefernandasantana @hunnybunimdun @hallecarey1@cedricdiggorysimpp @msmimimerton @hollandfanficlove @pandaxnienke @crossyourpeter @thegirlwiththeimpala @tom-softie @sunwardsss @spiitfiiires @radcloudenthusiast @ladykxxx08

people i think might be interestd in this (sorry if not just let me know and i'll remove the tag!!!): @obiwanownsmyass @wildxwidow @parkersvogue @coffeewithoutcaffeine @tomhollandlol @thefallenbibliophilequote @clumsymandu @hiraethenthusiast @mannien @abrielleholland @evermorehabit @niallberry @greatpizzascissorstaco @runawayolives @annathesillyfriend @letsgotothemoonlight @lovelybarnes

[the-volume-is-astronomical]

The Crown, The Sword, and The Gay

The Tower

A/N: mi gente im just trying something out and seeing if people like it :] ive had this done for like months and months on end and i finally decided to share it so em enjoy 

First | Previous| Next

words: 2380

summary: Roman’s stomach is making it very clear that this talk wasn’t going to end well... as long as he doesn’t end up in that tower.

pairings: eventual prinxiety, eventual intrulogical, eventual moceit 

warnings: some potty language (not much), stress, anxiety, disappearance mention, flashback, crying

(let me know if theres any other)

Roman felt himself waking up, maybe because of the stupidly bright sun hitting his eyes, he didn’t know how that was possible since he remembered closing the red velvet curtains shut tight, so he didn't have this exact issue. So, when he heard some ruffling and things being moved around he wasn’t all that surprised. 

¨Rise and shine, you little brat¨ Ruth said in a very tired but demanding voice. 

¨Oh dear nurse, allow me five more minutes¨ Roman whined putting a pillow over his eyes so he could block out the rude sun.

¨Oh, flattery will get you nowhere, mister.¨ Roman could hear Ruth moving around the room, preparing breakfast no doubt. Roman took the pillow off his face and sat up, hair a wreck, and his eyes squinting because of the light coming from the window.

¨And he finally rises,¨ Ruth said sarcastically.

¨Yeah, yeah, the dashing prince has awoken.¨ Roman said half asleep. Ruth helped him sit down so he didn’t trip over anything and started serving him breakfast, she wasn’t going to wait for him to finish eating as she was already heading for the big oak doors. 

¨Wait!¨ Roman sobered up, Ruth flinched a little at the shout but turned around anyway ¨Can I do anything for you?¨ She asked.

¨ Come eat with me, you for sure haven’t eaten anything today.¨ Ruth went to argue but closed her mouth when she noticed she, in fact, had not eaten.

 She sat down in the chair in front of the royal, Roman made a few hand gestures as if to show she was open to take anything, she knew the monarch wouldn’t eat until she had settled for something so, she took a piece of bread and started eating, as did he.

After a few moments of silent eating Ruth spoke up ¨I still don't understand, after all these years you haven’t become a spoiled brat that doesn't care for his servant¨ Roman didn't even look up at her he just said ¨I guess you raised me well.¨ Ruth almost choked on her bread and looked at Roman as if he had gone insane. “Oh come on don't be so humble Ruthie!¨

She still looked at him confused and a little annoyed at the nickname but mostly surprised he would say anything of the sort, ¨Ruth, you are my nurse. You have been with me my entire life, You fed me when I was a baby for god sake! I consider you a mother, even if I have another mother in the throne room right now,” Roman shivered at the thought of having to talk to his parents after the events of the past week but continued anyway “and I sure as hell think of you as the person who raised me.¨ 

Once he had finished he immediately put a mouth full of food and kept eating as if hadn’t given that speech. Ruth still looked shocked but cleared her throat ¨Well, then I made you a sap!¨ Roman started laughing ¨How will your future spouse ever forgive me?¨ Roman burst out laughing and Ruth gave a small chuckle. 

Ruth stood up and went to Roman's closet to gather his outfit for the day, while he finished breakfast. She threw the clothes at him “Hey!¨ Roman made his trademark over dramatic gasp. She sighed “I unfortunately also gave you my dramatics…”

 “And I don’t resent you for that!” Roman screamed back with a big smile on his face. 

Ruth looked like she had something on her mind. Roman didn’t have to wait much before she said what that was, he never did. ¨Would that make you and my Remy brothers?¨ she said, actively ignoring the prince’s comments. Roman stood up going towards his shoji screen to change behind. ¨Ha! We already consider each other brothers so it wouldn’t be much of a change.¨ Ruth started making his bed “Well this is new information to me.¨ Roman giggled a bit 

¨Remy´s supposed to be back by noon, he passed a lot of territories to deliver this message so I sure hope he’s alright¨ Roman has always thought she was a worried mother even to him when he went on long trips.

Roman stepped out from behind the screen and reassured her ¨ He’s fine! He may act reckless but he's very calculating… but expect him a few hours later than what the estimated time of return” Roman slipped away looking for his shoes. ¨Oh and why is that?¨ she asked, hands on her hips, Roman gave a nervous chuckle. 

Shouldn't have let that slip.

“Roman…” Ruth said in a warning tone. Remy was going to kill him but he didn’t want to die at his nurse’s hands “Remy’s been... seeing... this person a-and when his message trip aligns with where they live… he spends some time with the person so…” Ruth looked at him as if deciding something, “As Remy’s mother, I thank you for telling me the truth..” Roman was relieved “But, as your mother, I have to say…YOU SNITCH! Snitches get stitches for a reason!” Roman laughed genuinely and Ruth joined.

After their giggle fit, they heard someone knock on the door. Ruth went to answer the door, it was a guard “His and her highness request the prince’s presence,” Ruth thanked the guard and turned around and Roman looked mortified, “Roman, you have to talk to them.” Roman had never heard Ruth speak that soft. Roman only felt dread “Ruth I don't want to go” He was genuinely petrified.

“I understand, but they are very understanding and I believe they wouldn't punish you for simply trusting the wrong person” Roman shook his head “ They’re already so protective. They always had me under knight or guard surveillance but now they might do something so I won’t be able to sneak by” Roman was panicking and Ruth noticed, she walked up to him. And took his hand “Roman they just want the best for you…” Roman took his hand away from her own “No! They are just afraid they aren’t going to have an heir after one of them ran away.” Roman's hands were in his hair and his eyes started to glaze over.

Roman was very much not over his brother's apparent “disappearance”

“I understand Remus vanishing has affected your parents over protectiveness, BUT they have always aimed to protect you but after what happened...can you really blame them for it?” Roman sighed, Ruth forced his hands out of his hair, he took a shaky breath to calm down “No, but getting hurt is part of life! So what if I trusted the wrong person? Everyone does!” He gestured to the sky as if it was the only person listening, he felt so defeated. 

“Well I can't change anything so, you should tell your parents that!” She didn’t know what to say to make things better. “I’ll try, let’s just hope they at least try to listen” he left it there and headed out of his bedroom’s oak doors, he never liked disagreeing with Ruth. 

 Roman walked down the long hallway towards the throne room but, of course, he wasn’t alone because that would be too much to ask apparently. Instead he was being escorted to see his parents by the guard that had informed him his parents required him. He already knew what they were going to talk to him about and he was dreading it.

Why did he have to make such a mistake?

Did the universe want him to not trust anyone after what happened?! If it would make the sinking feeling in his stomach leave then he would happily oblige.

The guard stopped at the throne rooms doors and Roman took a deep breath as the guard gave him side eye glance and opened the doors, “You required my presence?” Roman spoke trying to keep his voice steady and his head high, “Yes, Roman, we would actually like to talk to you about last week's event…?” He phrased it as a question a little too late. Roman’s father, King Leonardo, wasn’t an emotionally driven person and never was truly soft with anything he said, but he cared. The way he was soft spoken with Roman was just having the opposite effect that his father wanted.

Roman’s mother, Queen Victoria, was very comforting and always tried to shield her children from harm's way, but coming from a family of royals, she didn't have an example to follow but she wanted to be there for her child. “Roman, my little lion heart, I need you to keep in mind this is for your safety...ok?”  Following everything by the book, always looking and being her best, so she would be a good example even if she wasn't nurturing, all she wished was for Roman to know she loved him and Remus with her whole being, Roman just gave her a tense nod as a response. 

Roman’s Father spoke up, “Roman, you're going to be under knight supervision at all times,” That wasn't as bad as Roman expected, he basically already was! Anything but to be stuck in that damn tower “...And you have to stay in the south tower-” ...He should have knocked on wood. 

“Father, I did nothing wrong! I shouldn't be punished for this-” Romans mother spoke up, she knew both her son and husband could be hot headed. She wanted to stop anything before it got the chance to begin “Roman this isn't to punish you! We want to protect you-” The Queen sounded like she was pleading with her son.

Roman did not hear her plea or just ignored it “...For how long do I have to stay there?” Roman’s mother spoke up, “Don't worry, you'll be there maximum 2-” 

“Indefinitely.” 

The King spoke in a cold unforgiving tone, Roman knew he had messed up big time. Victoria turned to her husband “Leo, we agreed he wouldn't be there for more than 2 fortnights, we agreed on that.” The Queen seemed upset but was obviously attempting not to show such emotion. 

“Those were the rules we agreed to when he was a child and he would grant being punished” Both of Roman’s parents were staring at each other, showing they weren't going to back down.

Roman spoke, “Understood.” His voice was mostly monotone but tight, Victoria turned to him with an apologetic gaze. Roman shook his head. It was his own fault, his mother shouldn't blame herself for his actions. 

“I'll tell Ruth, so we can pack.” Roman turned to leave but his father had more to say. “Before you go, Hugo won't be your assigned knight. One of the new recruits is climbing in status and popularity very quickly and he agreed to-” “babysit” Roman cut in. “-protect you. As long as I recommended him to Queen Marie for her armada” 

As if things couldn't get any better, he had to meet this new recruit, he hoped they would at least get along. Roman just nodded and opened the door to leave. At that moment, Roman’s father called the guard that had escorted Roman to get the new recruit as soon as possible, he just left as quickly as he could. 

His parents knew that not being around people and not being able to talk were some of the worse things that could happen to him. They decided it was going to be the way to punish him. Though, he never stayed for more than a month, now he understood why. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Roman- basically power walked- back to his room, his brain tortured him with memories of his 7 year old self being forced onto the tower for the first time.

No! Please it was an accident-!

I won't do it again!

I won't- Please! 

That was all he said as his father signaled the guards to take him, his mother not being able to look, turned her head away, trying to ignore every motherly instinct in her body to stand up and comfort her child. 

The guards dragged him out of the castle- the only home he knew- and shoved him in a carriage, where Ruth was waiting for him. Ruth had always been happy around him but her expression was unreadable -looking back she seemed angry, he just hadn't seen her that way before- but, Roman didn't care. He threw himself onto Ruth and sobbed his tiny heart out, Ruth trying her best to calm him down, he eventually fell asleep. Three hours later, he was woken up by Ruth.

“Were here, principito”

Roman was scared. Ruth saw it in his eyes. 

“Come on! You offend me, you really think I would let them take you to a scary place?” 

The little royal could only muster a small “no”. Ruth took his hand and walked with him toward a tower. Roman thought it was beautiful, that's the day he figured beautiful things can hurt you. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Roman never got used to it. He always dreaded the ride there, all the build up to the feeling of nothingness. When he looked up at the tower, he got the same feeling that he did when he was 7, Roman learned to not look up. He’d always prefer being in the tower when he was a kid because, back then they allowed Ruth to stay behind with him. Now she would only go in the carriage with him and leave.

After they stopped allowing Ruth to stay with him, at least he had Hugo to bother, by asking him for stories of his adventures. He didn't have that anymore.

The only adventure story he had now was a vibrant red book, in the book shelf of the tower, the only fictional book in his whole collection. He will admit, it was a very smart move on his parent’s part. They always monitored what he read, filled his whole book shelf in the tower with Philosophy, Math, and Royalty etiquette. When he begged for weeks on end for an adventure book they granted him one but, they made sure it was the only book that was fictional. They wouldn't give him an adventure book based on real events, No! That would be giving Roman too much hope. 

Good move.

[tundrainafrica]

Title: A Tale of Two Slaves (6/17)

Summary:  “Soulmates don’t exist. Fate doesn’t exist. Everything is a choice.” At that moment, Levi could only watch as she made the choice for him.“

Reincarnation AU. Levi remembers everything from their past life. Hange doesn’t.

Note: As always, feedback is very much appreciated.

Other Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 

Link to cross-postings: AO3

Every morning even before he opens his eyes completely, Levi would reach for his phone on the side table.

His first connection to reality was always the time written out on the lock screen of the phone and the blue light on his screen as he checked all his notifications. He never remembered when exactly he had gotten into the habit of doing just that. Regardless, the clean interface and the clusters of notifications on real life topics and class announcements were effective ways to forget whatever dreams he may have had the night before and focus on real life obligations and responsibilities.

That morning was a little different. As he motioned his right hand that familiar distance from bed to side table, he found a barricade in the form of a metal bar and as he maneuvered his hand beyond it, all he felt was air and a wall. Levi opened his eyes to his left to see the sky just outside, a familiar mix of purple and pink.

That was at least enough for him to conclude that it was probably around six in the morning. With no quick fixes of gratification, Levi found himself taking stock of whatever was at hand. He allowed himself a long look at the sky, long enough for the blue to start peeking through and the light be enough for the room to illuminate enough for Levi to be able to make sense of his surroundings without the help of artificial light.

Levi slowly sat up. It was the white covers and the white ceilings that clued him to it first. The IV attached to his arm came second. Then Levi was suddenly aware of the weight on his left knee, the dull pain and the bindings.

He sighed and threw himself back down on the bed, wincing as the immobilized leg protested that rough movement. His mind was racing. Memories were starting flooding back to him much faster than he could connect the dots to what was in front of him at that moment. The white ceiling kept all the stimuli at a more manageable level at least.

If everything had gone according to Levi’s expectations, that Saturday morning, Levi should have been on the train to meet Hange. His anticipation at meeting Hange had him planning every intricate detail. As he looked up at the clear slate above him, he imagined the quick jog to the station that should have been reality if he hadn't been so careless the night before.

Everything after crashing on to the ground was a blur. It was as if the searing pain then the numbness on his left knee had interfered with his ability to process the world around him.

He remembered Hange talking to him, but not what she was saying. Soon after, there was a stretcher then sirens.

His grasp of the world around him only got worse as he arrived in the hospital and they hooked him up to an IV. The rest of it was blank save for a few loud voices, the moving of the gurney from one room to another. his coach's voice, Erwin's voice and Hange's voice.

As Levi contemplated his situation that morning, he couldn't help but ruefully note as well that at his current state, he probably wouldn't be able to even manage the lighter tests Hange had wanted him to do that day.

I’ll only find out more if I get out of here.

Levi pulled the blanket off. How bad was it? Over his knee was a piece of thick cloth or possibly layers of it, held together with velcro on top. As Levi swung his legs to the side of the bed. He could not help but note how unnaturally heavy his casted leg was.

The prospect of placing his bad leg on the floor and the uncertainty of what kind of injury he had Levi scrambling for support and he found himself, hopping awkwardly on his good leg while leaning on the hospital walls as he made his way to the door of the room.

He never really found out how long it took him to make the few meter journey to the door of his hospital room. The frustration at the unfamiliarity of his situation only had him disregarding time. To him, it felt like ages. He had stopped a few times and leaned on the wall, his head spinning from exhaustion, fear or maybe even the medicine they had been pumping him with since last night. On the way to the entrance, he did not notice the door that had silently opened and only realized someone had entered the room when they were right beside him already.

“You shouldn’t be standing...” It was one of the voices from last night. Fortunately, it was the one he felt most comfortable hearing.  

Hange should know everything. “What happened last night?” Levi spared not time asking that question.  

“Let’s get you back in bed first.” Hange seemed like she was in no hurry to tell him. Her movements were slow as she wrapped his arm around her shoulders and guided him to a position where he was barely putting any weight on the floor beneath him.

As soon as Hange had made sure he was settled on the bed, her pace suddenly quickened as she turned on the lights of the room, pulled out his phone from the drawer, placed it on his side table, pulled a chair to his bedside and sat on it. “I can’t stay for long actually. I have to go to campus, do some work in the lab. If you need anything important… You’re covered at least by the insurance plans....”

If you need anything important from your dorm, you better tell me now… That was the last sentence Levi had made sense of. Hange turned on the lights and the gravity of Levi’s injuries became clearer. The bruises and the abrasions on his knees and hands were raw and fresh. Some of the worse ones had been bandaged up. He had gotten those same injuries before but having been an athlete for a long time, those were easily brushed away and he had mistaken the aches for stronger and more painful manifestations of exhaustion. He could not tell from then but his back had that same familiar ache, maybe even a little stronger.

“Levi, listen.” Hange put her hand on his, catching his attention. I know you’re probably angry with me… And you probably don’t want to see my face anymore. Just allow me to help you get settled at least and I’ll get off your back and you’ll never have to see me again.”

“Never see you again?” Somehow those words hit harder and rang more painfully in his ears than the rest of his injuries. That was when Levi noticed the small signs: Hange’s back was a little straighter, she kept herself a little more distant and even the way she placed her hand on his was more hesitant. In fact, it was back on her lap as soon as he had processed that action on her end.

It was as if they were back to where they started.

“I’ve gotten these types of injuries before. I’ll just ice them, forget about them and go back to training,” Levi assured. In the end though, it was more for himself than for her. Levi looked to Hange and although he had hoped for a smile and a nod in agreement, he wasn’t surprised when she looked towards his legs, keeping a sullen face.  

Hange shook her head. “ I saw what happened. You hit your knee on the bar pretty hard then you fell at an awkward angle.” For a moment, Hange looked dumbfounded as if she was replaying it all again in her head. “I don’t know how bad it is yet but they had to temporarily set it last night. You were in a lot of pain…”

“Then they’ll prescribe pain killers.” He was probably on some pain relievers already.

“You don’t get it do you? This competition season is out of the question. Hell, your whole career is probably out of the question.” Hange looked away. “And it’s my fault.”

He should have been angrier at Hange.

The way she had explained it, from when he had fallen on the hurdles, her shitty stitching skills which could have delayed the healing process, all the way to encouraging him to change his form, his injury could have been traced back to her. It was still a long shot though. In the end it had been Levi’s decision and he was completely aware of that.

Would he have tried that hard? Would he have taken all those risks if he hadn’t met her? He was sure that it was at least possible to twist logic and delude himself into thinking it was her fault. The Levi of a month ago would have done just that. At that moment, when he put two and two together though, surprisingly, he felt no anger. In fact he felt nothing.

It could have been from shock or confusion. It was as if for a second Levi had forgotten how to feel. Hange left the room as silently as she had entered with a quick reminder to just send it through chat.

Levi wrote it out as coldly and professionally as it was requested and sent it before locking his phone and placing it back on the side table.

For the first time in how many years, he did not even have the energy to look through his phone.

                                 A Tale of Two Slaves

The emptiness he felt festered to something else with each and every test they put him through that morning.

Every nurse and every intern who wheeled him from room to room and did the tests always had something to ask. They asked about training, records and tournaments.

How he had learned to jump so high. How he had polished his form so well. How he maintained consistency with every attempt.

Suddenly they were theorizing the injury.

You probably hit your leg hard on the bar while it was extended... Landing awkwardly from that height is more than enough to dislocate your knee.

Their tones were kind as if to make light of the situation he was currently in. They had done the complete opposite though and with every test and every conversation, Levi was forced to face his emotions head on, the future that awaited him.

And Hange. What was Hange planning?

He had sprained his ankle before but that was the first time he had experienced such comprehensive testing for one limb. They had explained the tests as they went about it: mobility tests, nerve tests, vascular tests all for his left knee.

As they rambled on and on about him, Levi found himself thinking of the only tests that had mattered to him, the ones Hange would ramble about.

She wanted to test his vertical jump, his horizontal jump, the power in his legs, the strength. He was miserably failing every test the therapists were throwing at him. Putting minimal weight was enough for Levi to realize that his knee was fucked. Just a small movement was enough for his left knee to buckle under him. Levi wondered how less than 24 hours ago, he had managed to use that leg to jump two feet in the air.

By the time Levi had arrived back in the room, his lunch was waiting for him on the table by his bed. He pushed it aside, instead going for his phone.

Multiple Ligament Injuries. That was what one of the nurses had casually mentioned.

Levi found himself digging up all the way until scientific journals. He had wanted to see the words cure, recovery and heal but all he found were outlooks and prognoses.

9-12 months of no physical activity. Pain and stiffness his whole life. There was no direct cure. There were no straightforward answers, only arguments and well thought-out opinions on treatment plans.

The details were in and out of his brain within seconds after he read them. If they differed for every case, there really was no point in memorizing or even trying to set his expectations. He had spent the whole morning in chairs and in bed but somehow, Levi was exhausted. He opened his phone to the different chat groups. Others had asked about him.

He only composed two messages that day as replies to the tens or even hundreds of notifications. One to his parents and one to his coach.

Don’t visit...Was he ashamed? Was he exhausted? Terrified? Confused? Levi could not pinpoint the exact feeling but somehow his body felt heavy and the only thing he wanted to do was roll over and sleep.

He had managed not to cry but for a few minutes he was blinking back tears.

                                     A Tale of Two Slaves                  

ACL, MCL, LCL. A string of letters recognized from the internet.

The doctor had given the meanings of those acronyms as he explained them. Levi was quick to forget them though, there were more important things than that. Like who was explaining it to him and what exactly the injury meant for him. Or for Hange.

The doctor that had taken over his case was Erwin. The last time Levi had seen him, he had been in a civilian wear. The blonde wore a white coat over his polo and dress pants as he stood next to Levi’s bed side, looking more powerful and more authoritative than he did back in the laboratory.

As he talked, Levi felt no need to listen. Erwin after all was only confirming the fears and the doubts that were running through Levi’s brains.

This season is out of the question. Reconsider whatever plans you may have as an athlete.

What about Hange’s research? Levi had wanted to ask. It just did not seem right then, as Erwin continued to explain the prognosis.

“I’ll be honest with you,” Erwin said as if he hadn’t been honest with Levi the past few minutes. “There’s no right way to go about this. Knee injuries are pretty complex and the treatment I’m suggesting now is just my own opinion. It’s probably even a gamble.”

All medical advice is just someone’s professional and educated opinion. Levi was quick to figure that out when he had read the abstracts of articles, discussion evaluations, prognoses and never exact cures for his own injury.

It was at that moment that Erwin mentioned the gamble that Hange had entered the hospital room with Levi’s overnight bag slung over her shoulder. She was looking down and from his angle, her face was unreadable.

Erwin had mentioned surgery and strict physical therapy afterwards. With Levi graduating that year, it meant he was out of the running for collegiate championships anyway.

But if it works out, maybe, just maybe he could go back to jumping. And somehow, Levi realized just the movements he had gotten used to and the sensations they had allowed him to experience, actually made him consider the gamble worth taking even if it was a longshot. Only a small percentage of the population actually regained full control of their knee after a devastating injury like that.

“Shouldn’t he wait a few months before getting the surgery?” Hange suggested. “I’ve read some articles about it before…”

“There’s some damage in his nerves and in his vascular system which needs to be addressed soon if he wants to gain control of his knee. If we divide this into multiple stages, Levi will be back to square one after every surgery. It will only delay the healing process.”

Hange kept quiet. For a moment, everyone in the room was silent.

Erwin spoke up. “Hange’s not wrong. There are more conservative ways to go about treatment. In the end, it’s up to you whether you want to listen to me or request a second opinion. I’ll wait for your answer in the morning.” He turned to Hange. “And Hange, we’re going to have to talk about your plans for your thesis. First thing Monday morning in the lab.”

“What’s your plan?” Levi asked. Since Erwin left the room, Hange had been standing too awkwardly in the middle of the room, looking uncomfortable at the turn of events. How much had she heard?  

“What’s your plan? Erwin always has a good reason for everything but… I’ve seen articles about rushing into this surgery and I’m just unsure about it,” Hange said. “To be honest, no matter what happens, these types of injuries don’t leave people and if you’re going to live with it for the rest of your life, might as well not risk something so unnecessary?”

“Hange, answer me first what’s your plan?” Levi had stopped listening at “but.” He was already dead set on getting the surgery anyway. Somehow he knew, Erwin’s gambles were never baseless.

I’ll get off your back and you’ll never have to see me again. Those words only echoed again in his head as he focused on the panicked look Hange was giving him at that moment.

“My plan on what?”  Hange asked.

You’ll never have to see me again. Levi had realized even before they had met that afternoon that her thesis was the only thing that had kept them talking and contacting each other. With that gone, what next?

Levi found himself scrambling for excuses, for a reason to see her. “Your thesis.” You heard Erwin, I’m gone for the next nine months or probably even the next few years. Are you going back to Elijah? Are you gonna find some other athlete to study?” It was unintentional but Levi heard the venom in his own voice.

Hange gave Levi a wry smile. “I haven’t decided yet. But I’m planning on talking to my parents and ----”

“I’m not asking what your parents plans are. I’m asking about your plans.” Levi interrupted.

“They’re paying for my tuition, for my home. I at least wanna get their approval for something as heavy as what will be my graduation. Besides, It’s not just about my parents, I have to consider Erwin…”

Levi slammed his fists on the bed in frustration. The Hange in front of him was avoiding his gaze, as if looking to find an answer elsewhere, maybe on the white walls or the tiled floors. That was not the Hange he knew. Hange knew how to make decisions on a fly, hell, Hange was a squad leader. She was the commander of an army. Suddenly for the first time, it felt like he was talking to a completely different person. Levi felt duped.

“Your plans Hange,” Levi emphasized. “What kind of crapsack household did you grow up in that you can’t make decisions for yourself. Your research is your decision. Relying on someone else to make decisions? That's not the Hange I know.”

Hange shook her head looking dumbfounded. “Why are you talking about me like you’ve met me before? What do you know about me? Or my home? We’ve only been talking for a month.” Hange paused for a while, avoiding his gaze. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m not angry. I’m  just curious. I mean, as far as I remember we only started talking a few weeks ago back in the track. I’m flattered really because I’ve been following you for a long while but, why are you so invested in my plans?”

Why are you so invested in her?  Levi looked away as he felt the blood rushing into his face. “It’s just that… I guess...This is just not the Hange I expected you to be.” He managed to say.

In the end, a voice still lingered inside him, a voice saying that there was some truth to his silent expectations for the type of person Hange should have been.

                                  A Tale of Two Slaves  

A few days later, on a Tuesday morning, Levi did have the surgery.

On the days leading up to it, he was alone. Hange had told him then, that she would be spending Sunday with her family, Monday in the lab.

There was a nagging feeling inside him that Hange was avoiding him. It could have been paranoia. There wasn’t much to think about after all. His unchanging view the next few days leading up to the surgery were the white ceilings and the white walls of his room, decorated with a few visits from a nurse and the hospital meals which at least had some variety in appearance but little variety in taste.

He had finished most of his schoolwork by Monday afternoon and even finished the readings for the three classes he was taking that semester. Soon, there was nothing much to do but look through his phone.

By Monday night, he was told by the nurse that he wouldn’t be served any dinner in preparation for the surgery.

By Tuesday afternoon, Levi was making sense again of the white walls and the white ceilings, the sky through the window that was all too bright, and the smell of flowers.

The smell of flowers.

“You know Levi, I was thinking of something…”

Levi looked towards his bedside to see Hange sitting there and behind her, flowers sitting on a vase, a simple arrangement.  

“We’re taught that humans are at the top of the ecological hierarchy and at the top of the food chain. We’re apparently the greatest creations. But, we’re so easy to maim or injure for life” Hange said, as if she hadn’t been avoiding him the past few days. “Flowers can grow from stem cuttings. They can patch themselves up even after we pull out the flowers or some of the leaves. But you sprain your ankle once and it’s never the same ankle again.”

“Why are you here?” Levi asked, as soon as he finally had control of his voice. He didn’t want to play along.

“For a visit.” Hange said matter of factly.

“You said I wouldn’t have to see you again.” Levi challenged. Hange trying to lighten the mood with random conversation had left a bad taste in his mouth. He regretted his words though soon after he saw the slight wince she made.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I’ve been thinking about my thesis. And I talked to my parents about it…”

“I told you before, I want your decision, not theirs.”

“Yes, if you had let me finish last Sunday instead of being angry, I would have told you. I’m making the final call. I just want to consult,” Hange said, looking exasperated. “ I have funding, tuition, time and logistics to consider and I’m back to square one. I don’t live on an island, Levi. Just because you can live in one, doesn’t mean everyone can.”

She was right. Somehow, the way she had said it, the way she had explained herself was convincing enough for Levi to realize that the Hange he knew was still inside her.  Levi felt his stomach drop in embarrassment at his immature outburst rooted in the frustration he had felt. He wanted to look away from Hange as she narrowed her eyes at him, looking at him expectedly.

What’s your plan? Levi had hidden how he felt behind a veil of a casual conversation, behind a fundamentally neutral question. At that point, he had given up. For three days, just bringing up such a vague question was not giving him the answers he wanted.

"Then what’s going to happen to us?” Levi asked. “I mean, we won’t have much reason to see each other after this.”

“I don’t know yet. I’ve been wanting to do this type of thesis for a while so it’s gonna be hard to change.” Hange admitted.

That confirmation was all he needed. Am I being selfish? Levi had to make the conscious effort to stop himself. In a perfect world, he would have wanted her to adjust, to find a way to work with his current limitations. He had held on to a hope that somehow she would suggest something to keep them talking, keep them seeing each other.

Suddenly, the rest of the things he would have wanted to open up about were all taboo.

If Hange were to change her topic for him, if she were to do anything just because he suggested it, he was sure he wouldn’t be satisfied with it. . At the same time, just imagining that phantom athlete doing the jumps for her, recalling how Hange had been left speechless watching Elijah’s jump, how she had stood up and clapped her hands slowly then quickly had Levi’s heart racing and his head spinning. His human inhibitions, as weak as they were at that moment, were the only thing stopping himself from begging her to stay, hell, from demanding that she considers him when making her decision.

Levi turned his eyes towards the white ceiling above him, a futile effort to clear his mind. As his inhibitions and desires waged a war in his head, he couldn’t even grasp for a reply, an emotion to articulate.

Hange took the initiative. “Levi, I want to ask you something…” She started. “Do you still want to see my face? After everything that happened?”

Levi gave a small nod, the only movement he could manage without letting out a wave of emotion.

“Then I’ll consider that when I make my decision.” At least she noticed it.

                                   A Tale of Two Slaves  

It was Erwin who had informed him of Hange’s decision.

Since Hange had visited that Tuesday, she never did come back. Levi had convinced himself at least to accept that that Tuesday afternoon would be the last time he saw her.

Wednesday afternoon, Erwin visited, informing Levi that he would be released from the hospital that Friday. Levi found himself almost ecstatic at the news. The white room was depressing. He never did get comfortable or familiar with the hard mattress beneath him and the barriers of the hospital bed.

“Also, Hange sends her apologies. She’s been busy working on a new proposal this week,” Erwin added.

“A new proposal?”

“A thesis proposal,” Erwin clarified. “She had to do everything from scratch, so she’s been spending a lot of time in the library.”

“She changed her topic?” It was a question of confirmation for himself.  Levi noted then that most students could only access online journals for free using campus wifi. An oddly comforting fact which at least justified their lack of interaction the past two days and consequently, quelled his doubts..  

Erwin nodded. “She told me a few days ago.”

“Why?” Levi felt guilty for the wave of relief that washed through him.

“Why what?”

“Why did she change it?” For a second he was happy. As quickly as it came, that bout of joy morphed into guilt.

“I'm her thesis mentor, not the one who makes the final decision.”

By Friday, Levi was at least independent enough to do the packing he had been raring to do himself since that weekend.

To be able to maneuver quickly and efficiently on crutches though, Levi had spent a good chunk of Thursday learning how to maneuver his way around with the crutches he was prescribed. By that day at least, as he cleaned out the dresser and packed his stuff, he had enough skill to balance on one crutch while emptying the dresser or dragging one of the chairs to his bedside without putting any weight on his bum knee.

Late Friday afternoon, Hange was the one who picked him up. It was no surprise, she offered to take him back to campus only that morning.

They exchanged pleasantries and after that, Hange did all the talking. Somehow she understood that after having spent a good morning cleaning out the room, Levi was exhausted. He probably could have fallen asleep on the taxi ride on the way back to the dorm if Hange hadn’t been so loud and the taxi hadn’t been so cramped.  

“You sure you don’t need someone to take you up?” Hange had taken his bag from the backseat and slung it over her shoulder as they arrived at the entrance of their dormitory.

“It’s fine.” Levi knew she meant well but her initiative to take the bag before he could even attempt to carry it was insulting.

Despite her insistence, Levi forcefully took the bag with his right hand, keeping his left knee heavily planted on the ground. He swayed a bit as he balanced his weight with his overnight bag slung on one shoulder.

“Just tell me when you give up.”

Levi looked away as he said that. He didn’t know what face she was making as she said that but he opted not to look to save himself whatever exasperation or stress it would have caused him. Instead, he focused on  trying --yet failing -- to gain as much distance as he could as he hobbled into the dormitory building.

He was disappointed to see that Hange did not follow.

I can always thank her later. Another excuse to text her at least. He had other things he wanted to ask her like what had made her decide to change her thesis. More importantly, what did that mean for him?

At that point in time though, he had more important things to think about like the fact that his room was on the second floor.

It was late afternoon on a Friday meaning most students were out, while others were cooped up in their rooms already and the hallways were empty. He probably wouldn’t have asked for help anyway. In fact, he was relieved to see nobody had seen him stare at the stairs for a good few minutes.

Although he had spent most of yesterday learning to move with crutches, nothing had prepared him for stairs.

He hobbled back towards the lobby where there were at least a few places to sit. If he were going to be thinking of a next plan of action which would be less embarrassing than asking for help, he concluded it would be better if he didn’t expend energy balancing on crutches.

As it turned out, Hange hadn’t left. Levi found her leaning by the entrance of the dorm with a knowing smile on her face. An annoying and mocking smile. An “I told you so,” in the form of a subtle gesture.

Levi was annoyed for a split second, a little peeved. The initial feelings were quickly washed away though by the wave of relief that followed.

He was just glad to see her there.  

[callmepippin]

ok so i was tagged by the lovely @lexiklecksi for the 11/11/11 tag, the rules are: answer the 11 questions she asked me, make up my own 11 questions and then tag 11 ppl to answer those (so if you want you can skip to the questions at the bottom lmao). however as a fair warning: this got Way too long probably bc im rambly today. i tried to limit the stream of consciousness but….

1. current musical obsession: Frank Ocean and related sort of neo-r&b stuff - while writing this im also discovering Childish Gambino’s “Awaken, My Love!” (and also the song Golden Brown, but not bc im listening to it but bc im learning it on both guitar and piano)

2. 3 things i always take with me:

- wallet (or at least my id)

- phone (&earphones)

- cigarettes&lighter

3. what (or who) i miss most in lockdown: i dont rly remember? im so used to the situation by now that i kind of forget to miss what i did when things were “normal”... but i guess going to bars w/ friends, and just being able to go shopping when i need smth

4. pick: either only read 1 book or only read books picked by someone else: i wouldn’t be able to only read one book for the rest of my life! so definitely the second option (esp if i can pick the person who picks the books)

5. why i found your blog/followed you and if i intend to stay: uhh you followed me and when i checked your blog i liked the vibe i guess? also you were v nice in the tags of my music stuff! also ya i like it here, so im staying for a while

6. when and why did i last cry: i genuinely dont know for sure.. the last time i specifically remember crying was my granddad’s funeral, which is three yrs ago this month, but i do know ive cried once or twice since then, i just dont remember for sure when and why.

wait i do remember, i think the last time was when i saw Richard Says Goodbye (live music and movies or books are basically the only reason i rly cry, im not an emotional crier, dont know why).

7. who holds the key to my heart: my partner of five (and a bit) years, whom i love Very Much! (although ofc my heart is not locked, i have so much love to give, just romantically i am very much taken)

8, pick one: star wars/star trek, dobby/gollum, white/black magic, flying/teleportation, time travel: past/future?

- Star Wars

- Gollum (even though i have read hp but still havent read lotr, ive read the hobbit like 4 times tho)

- i think the hard dichotomy btwn white/black magic or like light/dark and good/bad in most fiction is often v flawed bc thats not how the world works, everything is grey areas (e.g. the Jedi are not better than the Sith, both have deeply flawed philosophies). the Force (or any magic for that matter) is not inherently good or evil, it just is. nature isnt abt good or evil, isnt abt opposites but abt balance.

and especially if you work with the occult and magical, i think thats all abt walking the edge between light and dark, life and death, night and day, good and bad etc…

so to answer the question: grey magic lmao, its all abt balance

- teleportation i think, bc while flying is very cool, i think teleportation has more practical uses (although also has danger involved, such as what happens if you teleport into a space that is already occupied by a person or an object? but for the sake of argument, prolly teleportation)

- do not even get me started on time travel.. the implications of time travel to the past are…… complicated to say the least (it only works if you believe in hard determinism, which i wholly do not). so in a practical sense, def to the future (although that is also Problematic within the constraints of our four-dimensional universe/experience).

in a philosophical sense though, ignoring all the paradoxes and laws of time and space, id still pick the future (or maybe no time travel at all), bc i think the past is the past for a reason. we remember it, we learn from it, but ultimately we must leave it behind.

my philosophical problem with traveling to the future is more that you cant just. skip life. so if you travel to the future, it has to be way beyond your own life and direct influence, or youll interfere with yourself and your own future, and thats scientifically, psychologically /and/ philosophically a v bad idea all round, i think.

9. which thoughts keep me awake at night: almost never specific thoughts, but quite often anxiety abt the near future. but theres no like, lingering issues that keep me awake.

10. what id do with you if we were locked up together for 24hrs: i think i’d really like to write with you! make poetry, song lyrics, make art! bc we could rly learn from each other i think and also we could just rly pick each others brain abt mundane, important and transcendental stuff ya know?

11. ask anything: do you have concrete, long term plans for the future, maybe even backup plans? a clear vision of how the rest of your life is going to go? or are you more the type to do what makes you happy now and figure it out as you go along?

my own questions (large variation in vibes and weight, i know):

describe your favourite colour using other senses (like what sound, smell, feeling or w/e do you associate with it)

what’s the best thing that happened to you in the last week, last month and last year?

what’s the one thing/what are the things that help(s) you get up in the moring and keep putting one foot in front of the other?

are you a leftie? (warning: there is a correct answer)

do you play/have you ever played a musical instrument? (and for the sake of completeness, yes i am counting singing as well)

do you have one thing (e.g. a song, movie, book or smth else) that never fails to bring you joy?

do you have one (or more) person(s) you feel you could still hit up after ten yrs of radio silence and you’d still vibe?

what’s your favourite song lyric/line from a poem/quote? and why?

who was your first celebrity crush? (if you’ve ever had one obvsly)

what’s smth you’re looking forward to? could be specific, could be a general thing like a driver’s licence or your own apartment or w/e

this one is specifically to feed my curiosity, indulge me: why did you follow me?

congrats, you’ve managed to reach the end! again, very sorry for the rambles, thanks for sticking around. im tagging @alt-heidi, @terdiscussie, @a-soul-to-cling-to, @ontvreemd, @sarahhnghae and i guess whoever fuckin feels like it? i literally can’t think of 11 ppl on this hell site, so if i forgot you its not personal. if we’re mutuals you’re especially tagged.

[grasslandgirl]

im distracting myself from the impending doom of a six month hiatus and everything that... happened in MAG160 by thinking about all the Wonderful possibilities for jonmartin dynamics post-159 because I’m a sucker for pining and minor miscommunications and dumb fanfic tropes and I’m dragging all of you along on this ride with me!

1) They’re Both Just Chill: there’s no miscommunications, no misunderstandings. despite what peter said about them not knowing each other super well (and maybe he raised some valid points, despite being an asshole) they DO know each other well enough and had a deep enough connection during the look at me/ i see you, jon scene that they both just (for lack of a better word) Know. they look into each other’s eyes in the middle of the Lonely and they see the love there, and the hurt and the pain and the anger and everything, but they do see the love. and they recognize that, oh, we’ve been so dumb this entire time. and there’s no big Talk, no awkward stumbling around the question, they just move forward from jon and martin to jon-and-martin because they’ve wasted enough time already, haven’t they? they can’t afford to waste any more time at this point, and hey. they kind of have bigger problems going on, right?

2) I Really Loved You, You Know: ok so this one i’ve seen in quite a few fanfics and speculative posts about this one, and jon misconstruing how martin uses the past tense when talking to him in the Lonely, and can i just say....... it’s very good. you have jon, who’s been desperately trying to reconnect with people, especially martin, this entire season, who dives headfirst into the Lonely after him, and maybe he heard martin’s tape with elias from the end of s3, maybe he knows about martin’s feelings for him, maybe he at least suspects, and maybe he doesn’t; but the point of the matter is that he goes into the Lonely after martin because jon’s in love with him and i think we can mostly all agree that at least by MAG159 (and we can argue about WHEN he realizes it, later) jon is aware of his own feelings for martin. but he follows the man he loves, and he finds him, and he’s begging him to follow him out of the lonely, to come with him, and martin tells him that he loved him. really loved him. loved him, as in past tense. which, like, if you think about it? that’s SO heartbreaking. but jon keeps after him ANYWAY, and he breaks martin out of the Lonely’s grasp and they walk out side by side and then you’re left with jon, who is terrified on SO many different levels, and thinks that he failed, again. that he was too late with martin, too late to be his friend, too late to save him from Peter, and too late to love him, and he saved him, he did it, but it’s still heartbreaking, right? and juxtapose that with martin, who’s just been literally pulled out of his own loneliness by the man he’s been in love with for three years, and he told him he LOVED him and jon Didn’t Respond. and like? all the hurt and the pining and the trying to take care of each other despite everything and despite your own hurt that can happen there? SUPER good

3) Clueless Jon Doesn’t Know He Has A Boyfriend: this one kind of crosses over with #2 but it’s a little lighter and a little more fun. essentially you have martin, who says he loves jon and assumes jon heard his tape with elias where he outed martin entirely and sees jon come into the lonely to save him and hugs jon while crying when he comes to his senses and walks out of the lonely hand in hand with jon and thinks, quite reasonably, that ok, they’re dating now. and you have martin “caretaker” blackwood who’s worrying over jon and taking care of him and letting jon take care of him, and making him eat and they do all this vaguely date-y stuff because the world is kind of maybe ending, but hey! martin’s in love and hes going to enjoy it goddamnit. but then one day our beloved archivist, jon “emotionally obtuse” sims, has nearly a breakdown and he starts rambling on about how he’s in love with martin and he’s sorry and he wants there to be something between them and how he doesn’t want to change anything and this is terrible timing and he doesn’t even Know if martin feels the same way but he needed to get this off his chest etc etc etc and martin’s just like “i thought. i thought we were ALREADY dating.” which is.... hysterical if you ask me

4) Jonathan “Fuck The Lonely” Sims: kind of the opposite of the last two, in which jon is LESS of a moron than anyone expected! jon “the archivist” sims actually... thinks! he listens to the tape of elias and martin from MAG118 and reevaluates every interaction he ever had w martin after he wakes up from his coma and realizes that martin’s in love with him, and not only that, but HE’S in love with MARTIN, but has no way of communicating that to him until 154 and that whole conversation is just jon trying (and failing) to say “i love you. i love you and i know you love me and lets just say fuck this place and go. please lets just go the two of us, say you’ll come with me. i love you.” and martin. doesn’t understand. but then 159 happens and jon follows and they have That Moment and jon thinks that Finally they’re on the same page and meanwhile you have martin, who’s PEAK in his pining time, fresh out of a good year of self isolation and pure loneliness and needs a while to pull away from Forsaken and thinks that he’s alone in his pining after jon, because jon never said anything about the tape with elias, or martin saying he loved him in the lonely, and is completely clueless to the fact that jon thinks theyre straight up dating and are just taking it Slow. and then one day jon is like “hey ready for our date later” (they had dinner plans or smth but this is the first time he outrightly calls it a Date) or he kisses martin briefly on the forehead or cheek or smth and martin is like “WHAT IS GOING ON” and jon is just. baffled cause he’s not used to being the oblivious one in the relationship

5) Just Full On Pining Hours: theres some crossover here with both #2 and #4, but specifically this one is where BOTH jon and martin are full on in love and are idiots and think that the other person Doesn’t Love Them Back :( possibly featuring: jon focusing on the past tense of “i really lovED you, you know,” martin comparing jon going into the lonely to save him to jon going into the buried to save daisy/ cutting the bullet out of her leg to save melanie from the slaughter, jon being dumb and thinking all the statements he’s heard about martin’s “feelings” are elaborations/inaccurate/only in the past/etc, martin being so stuck in the lonely he pulls away from jon on instinct, jon caught up on what peter said about them not really knowing each other and MAD second guessing himself and questioning what his feelings for martin are really based on, both martin and jon throwing themselves MAJOR pity parties about falling to the power of the eye/the lonely respectively, jon going into “im a monster and im the worst and ive lost my humanity” mode and thinking he’s not Worthy of being with martin in the first place, martin being haunted by his time with peter and the lonely and keep falling back into the habit of pushing people (jon) away “for their own good,” etc etc etc etc! just a lot of sad pining hours bc these guys have been through a LOT and it’s hard to just drop straight into a healthy relationship (or Any relationship) when there’s so much baggage and history there in between

6) Run Away With Me, by Carly Rae Jepsen: I said what I said. i want them to be happy and so what if they run away and blind themselves and leave the archives and live in some house in another continent and never think about any of the entities again? i get to make the rules, its my fantasy au world and jonny can’t do anything to hurt them here

[titusmoody]

It’s the end of the first quarter of 2021. Here’s a brief review of the things I watched/played/read.

Games

Donut County- pretty charming, very easy, fairly satisfying to play. I’d recommend Untitled Goose Game over this, though.

Heaven’s Vault- If you only have room in your life for one space archaeology game, play Outer Wilds instead. However, you get to translate alien writings yourself (in a simplified game way) in this one, so I’d recommend both. 

Donkey Kong Country 3 103%- so many fun level mechanics in this one. The difficulty of finding and completing everything in the game was spot-on for me.

Donkey Kong Country 2 102%- Each level mechanic in this one is explored and used in far more interesting ways than DKC3, though I honestly had more fun with 3 this time around. This one is the “dark, edgy” one aesthetically which is extremely dumb. Also, there was a lot of guesswork involved in finding some of the hidden stuff, which I didn’t enjoy.

The Room 4- I like escape room games. This one was good. It continued 3′s trend of trying to shake up the format a little, which is fine (better here than in 3, I think) but I wouldn’t have minded if all 4 stayed exactly the same, just with new puzzles.

Spider-Man: Miles Morales- Everything about it was competent. Not only was each gameplay activity fine-tuned to feel good, but the structure of the game also kept kept you experiencing a good variety of each activity. PS5 graphics are good, too. Nothing about it really got me excited to play it, it was just a good after work unwinding thing.

Cyberpunk 2077- Exactly the opposite of Spider-Man in terms of quality consistency. There are aspects of this game that are amazing, horrible, and every step in between. However, I’ve thought about it quite a bit and will probably continue to think about it for both good and bad reasons.

Yooka-Laylee and the Impossible Lair- Donkey Kong Country has better level design and controls. Well, the best levels of this were every bit as good as the best DKC levels, and maybe I’m just so familiar with DKC levels that I zone out a little during the boring bits, but had to pay attention to every moment of this game. Still, I didn’t have as much of an overall good time as the DKC games I played earlier.

Hue- Good 2D puzzle-platformer. I’m no longer surprised by these, but I still appreciate them, much in the same way as I like playing escape room games. I was under the impression for a few years that because I understood the potential of puzzle platformers, it meant I wouldn’t want to play any more of them, but that’s simply not true. I had a good time with Hue.

Shows

Gravity Falls- It’s fine. Pretty entertaining. I wish there were more low-stakes kinds of episodes, just to get more familiar with different sides of the characters. It would have made the characters and setting feel more rounded.

Cowboy Bepop- I didn’t get the hype for this show when I first watched it at 21, and now I can say that it’s simply not my kind of show. I have much more appreciation for it now than I did the first time, but it doesn’t hit me emotionally the same way that it seems to hit so many people. 

Seinfeld- It’s Seinfeld. There was precisely one episode that I had never seen before, plus confirmation that I didn’t dream the episode that’s told in backwards chunks like Memento and is set in India.

Paranoia Agent- While it was disappointing that this ended up being a more simple morality tale than every Satoshi Kon movie I’ve seen, I still enjoyed watching this a lot.

Aggretsuko- I liked the mundane, every-day storylines like a modern, more empathetic Seinfeld. Unfortunately as the show went on, there were more and more wacky situations that no one actually gets into. I might watch the upcoming season if I hear that it’s less ridiculous.

Over the Garden Wall- This was really cool and I’m glad it exists. It’s ten episodes long, which is perfect for it. I thought it was at its weakest during the more lighthearted or humorous moments--precisely the opposite of Gravity Falls. The word “classy” comes to mind to describe this show. 

Beastars- Really good when it isn’t falling into anime plot and dialog cliches. A lot of this first season is dedicated to introducing characters and the setting, which I thought was very well done. I’m curious to see what Season 2 is like.

Movies

Scott Pilgrim vs the World- It’s a fun movie to watch. It definitely makes many of the characters’ flaws seem like more fun than it probably should, but I’m more bothered by the criticism I hear that boils down to “it’s a bad movie because the characters are bad people” which I suspect is an impression you only get if you lack both empathy and media comprehension.

Big- Kinda bad. It has iconic moments that are only possible with its weird premise, but it’s just not a premise that supports an entire good movie. 

Phantom of the Opera- Way better and way worse than I remember. Has the precise right amount of horses.

Knives Out- Not really a movie I needed to watch a second time, but it sure is good.

District 9- I didn’t remember most of this movie and unfortunately I zoned out for most of this rewatch, so I still feel like I don’t know what it’s about.

From up on Poppy Hill- Not one of the top tier Ghibli movies, but still really good in a down-to-earth way that I like from Ghibli. 

Enter the Dragon- I knew to expect everything to be turned up to 11, which is good because it really is a lot. I liked it, though.

Shutter Island- I have never actually liked this kind of twist-reliant movie. I thought I would for many years, but I was always disappointed. At least now I am aware that it’s not what I’m into.

Soul- The premise is much too convoluted, but it does have an excellent moment near the end.

Onward- I liked this one a lot. Why don’t more people talk about this one? It’s definitely better than Coco, which itself was really good.

A Silent Voice- The kind of movie that reminds me that sometimes Japanese storytelling is more to my taste than Hollywood style, in that scenes can be more emotionally ambiguous. 

Tangled- Good in exactly the same way as Frozen and Moana. I can’t really complain, but this isn’t the same situation as puzzle platformers or escape rooms. In this case, I do get a little sick of being completely unsurprised. This movie was made first, so it’s only by chance that this is the one that I saw last.

Monsters University- A good movie, but it really doesn’t have to be about the same characters as Monsters Inc. 

Monty Python and the Holy Grail- Still funny

The Departed- Good if you want an enjoyable crime thriller to watch, bad if you want a Scorcese movie.

Titanic- Getting very drunk and watching this with Brittany might be the best time I had in the past three months. Maybe I won’t think too hard about why a movie about the overdue, violent death of a social order resonates with me right now.

Prince of Egypt- Impressive and grand, but I didn’t really care about the characters or story.

Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan- A good but not great (by TNG standards) concept for an episode that was made extremely enjoyable by the added budget and longer runtime of a movie.

Star Trek III: The Search for Spock- Not as good, but still watchable.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home- The kind of ridiculous concept you’d only make when you’ve already had three successful movies and are confident that you’ll be able to make at least another couple. The gang go back to the 1980s (present day to the original audience) and save the whales. It’s apparently exactly the right movie to watch if this is the third consecutive Star Trek movie you’re watching.

Mamma Mia- A lot of fun, but has weird problems that seem like they would’ve been easy to solve at the script level. Maybe if the conflicts had been introduced early on instead of dragging the whole pace of the movie down for much of the last 20 minutes, I would’ve enjoyed the whole thing.

Books

The Well of Ascension- The second book of a trilogy. Very competent. Introduces a whole lot of minor conflicts that really keep the momentum going and give the characters short-term goals that contribute to the overall plot and their arcs. 

The Hero of Ages- The final book in the same trilogy. Equally competent. I wish there had been more long-term payoffs, which is the trade-off you make by stuffing the books full of those short-term conflicts. Spoilers ahead, but not ones that I think ruin the experience of reading. It’s very odd that of three of the central characters, one dies, one becomes a god and then dies, and one becomes God. 

Check Please- About as pleasant as it gets. Full of the type of minor character that sitcoms end up running into the ground because they’re too one-note (Creed from The Office, for instance) but in a series with a pre-planned length, there’s no chance for it to get stale. Plus, I really liked both of the lead characters.

Milkman- Good book about “The Troubles” in Ireland. Very odd collection of characters, but the narrator had an extremely enjoyable voice to read. 

And Then There Were None- Classic mystery story for a reason. Feels more like a Hitchcock movie than Sherlock Holmes. I read it in one day both because the prose was easy and I wanted to know what happened next. Not much substance to it, unfortunately.

Homegoing- Extremely ambitous book where each chapter is narrated by the descendant of a previous chapter, alternating between two branches of the same family. I liked it quite a bit, though because I only finished it yesterday I don’t have much reflection done yet so my opinion has yet to solidify.

[lilyshadowwriter]

Augustus’ Story Summarized

As there’s a story summary for Gemma, I figured I’d go ahead and write one for Augustus too, so here’s what’s happened up to this point:

While Augustus and Gemma are twins and two of the closest people you’ll meet, they are also in many ways opposites. Whereas Gemma is known for her cool logic and has difficulties putting herself in other people’s shoes, Augustus is all about the heart- both empathetic and compassionate. They do, however, share a tendency to be introspective and introverted, so rarely will you see either of them surrounded by friends or frequenting large gatherings.

Augustus has a much easier time talking to people and has several casual friends, but rarely does he let people into his own private world. He finds it difficult to completely let down his guard, which is why it was so significant when he met someone he was willing to let go for completely. That person, of course, was Isaac Santiago Taveras.

The two met when they were 15 (So, What Are We Now Pt. 1 and Pt. 2) and had an instant connection despite outwardly seeming like two very different people. Isaac was athletic, cool, and popular, whereas Augustus stuck mostly to his sister and was more interested in art and doing well in school, but it didn’t seem to matter because they each thought of one another as if they’d hung the moon. They spent all of their time with one another, but were always unsure if the other felt the same for them- whether they were seen as simply a good friend, or whether they too, felt something more.

This confusion was made even worse by the fact that Isaac wasn’t out- not even his parents knew that he was gay and because of events that happened when he was quite young, he was terrified of them finding out- terrified of anyone finding out. After a messy debacle in which Isaac’s best friend Elena kissed Isaac in the middle of the school hallway and Augustus saw though, he chased after a hurt Augustus and told him everything.

The two shared a sort of secret, shy, and “unofficial” relationship afterward, sneaking glances, fleeting touches, and even surprise ambush hugs, haha. It was precious, and it was good, and despite the need to hide, they were happy simply being with one another.

This all changed quickly though after one fateful afternoon, when under the orange hues of the setting sun, Augustus attempted to kiss Isaac. Isaac panicked and pulled away, suddenly pointing out some random turtle on the bank. Augustus was thrown off and embarrassed, but as he tried to fumble through an apology Isaac received a call from his parents that he needed to come home immediately...and he left, but not before promising Augustus that he didn’t do anything wrong. Augustus lets him go, still embarrassed, but hopeful at least that he didn’t mess things up between them.

It turns out to be the last time they ever spoke. 

Isaac moves away and never speaks to him again, save for some generic text message informing him that he was moving out of state and that he didn’t think he would be able to keep in contact with him anymore. Isaac’s phone gets disconnected, any emails sent to him get bounced back undeliverable, and no one ever hears from him again.

It leaves Augustus devastated because he loved him. It leaves Augustus devastated because it leaves him with the conclusion that despite everything, Isaac had clearly never felt the same as him.

Years later and Augustus had never really dated anyone. There were some half-hearted attempts, a mindless first kiss from a guy who’d kissed him at his junior prom who he’d had to awkwardly turn down, and that was about it. He never thought much about it though, simply chalking it up to having not found anyone he particularly liked.

This changed his sophomore year of college though (A&G I) when a certain purple-haired young man, Patrick O’ Doherty, manages to get through to Gus’ heart after literal months of failed and awkward exchanges that usually left Augustus perplexed and confused, lol. Eventually though, Augustus realizes that maybe he liked Patrick too, and so he gives him a chance, surprising Patrick with a sudden kiss in the middle of the campus grounds.

Ever since, they’ve had a rather sweet and happy relationship, often spending time with one another and never failing to make the other smile. However, even within its sweetness it’s also remained quite superficial, with Augustus clearly keeping Patrick at arm’s length for unknown reasons, and Patrick too nervous to rock the boat and risk losing him.

This begins to cause issues for them, particularly as Augustus’ worries grow about his twin sister, Gemma, who more and more seems to struggle to get through the days. It makes him feel like he’s failing, like he’s wholly lacking, because no matter how hard he tries to stop it, he keeps seeing Gemma slip. Augustus keeps this to himself though, never sharing his fears and worries with Patrick.

Then, during his junior year, Augustus bumps into someone he never thought he’d see again: Isaac (A&G II). It sucks, abruptly bringing back everything Augustus thought he’d forgotten years ago. He honestly tries to forget this brief encounter, but then Augustus sees him again (A&G III) and this time instead of cutting the conversation short and running off, Isaac insists that they talk. Augustus doesn’t want to hear anything that he has to say, but eventually gives in and learns the truth of what happened all those years ago.

The truth was, Isaac did feel the same for him. The truth was, Isaac did want that kiss, but despite wanting it, panicked when the moment came, not as ready as he thought he’d been. The truth was, that night, Isaac was so frustrated with hiding that he came out to his parents, and it went worse than he could have imagined. They accused him of ridiculous shit like being ‘tempted by the devil’ and threatened to kick him out of the house, and when Isaac bit back that he’d just go to Augustus’ place, they concluded that Augustus was the problem, and moved the whole family away. 

They took his phone after he snuck a message to Augustus and his friends, they took his computer, they had him on a 24/7 lock down and they told him if he ever spoke to Augustus again, that would be it. And Isaac, hundreds of miles from anyone he knew, cut off the world, and scared out of his mind, gave in. 

It would be another 3 years before Isaac confronted his parents again, and this time firmly stated that they could either accept him as he was, or they would never see him again. He was 18 then and had had enough. His parents shocked him by asking him to stay and promising to try and do better, but it’s been a rocky process.

Augustus feels awful for what Isaac went through. He forgives him, much to Isaac’s surprise. He still hates what happened, but doesn’t blame him. He was 15 and it was an impossible situation he never should have had to go through. They part on awkward, but mostly good terms. They agree to maybe try to be friends again.

A&G IV Pt. 1 finds Augustus quite shaken by all he’d learned, and annoyed with himself for being shaken in the first place. It was all in the past, after all. Why should it have mattered anymore? It didn’t, and yet Augustus can’t stop thinking about it.

That’s when he finds out that Gemma is doing worse than ever, and discovers her practically unresponsive with a knocked over bottle of sleeping pills lying on her bedside table. He panics, and even after he discovers that she’d only taken a few and that she was fine, just tired, he can’t get that image out of his head. He can’t rid himself of the horror he’d felt when he’d thought he’d lost her. He can’t forget Gemma’s tearful, mumbled words to him as he tried to comfort her, “I don’t want to kill myself, but sometimes I do wish that I’d never existed.”

It has Augustus throwing up because of the stress and feeling worse than ever, but it’s then that Isaac happens to text him some light-hearted, silly thing. Augustus texts him a thanks for the laugh and Isaac asks what happened. He debates not saying anything, but reveals he had a shit morning and that he can’t get it out of his head. To his displeasure, Isaac calls him, but they end up talking and little by little Augustus shares with him what happened. Afterward, he feels a bit better, maybe even happy that he got to talk to Isaac, that maybe they really could be friends again and that could be a good thing.

When he later admits to Gemma that he’s been talking to Isaac though, his sister has a negative reaction, shaking some of his previous confidence. She points out that Isaac probably could have done more to reach out to him despite his situation, and Augustus counters that Isaac feared losing his family and that the risk was too great. Gemma reluctantly relents, but still expresses some concerns, worrying that Isaac might hurt him again. Augustus reveals that he’s really missed Isaac, and that he wants to give him a chance again- that they would only be trying to be friends, after all. Gemma lets it go, but not without advising that Augustus should reflect on why this meant so much to him.

Later, when Augustus is talking to Patrick and on his way to having lunch with him, Isaac texts him a simple follow-up and asks how he’s doing and Augustus replies that he’s fine now and that he’ll talk to him later. It’s a rather nothing exchange to Augustus, but Patrick happens to see the texts and asks him what happened. Augustus evades, giving a general answer about Isaac happening to catch him after something occurred that morning, but that it was all fine now and that’s why he hadn’t mentioned it.

To his surprise, Patrick abruptly announces that he forgot he needed to go to work early that day and ducks out of their lunch date, but before he goes, asks Augustus if he’ll come over to his place after his shift. Patrick assures him that it’s nothing bad, but that he has something important to talk to him about. Augustus has a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, but agrees...

...and that’s where we catch up to him now- sitting on Patrick’s doorstep and wondering what it is that he wants to say......