#when I wrote this paper the

[turtleblogatlast]

Draxum somehow salvaged some of his notes and papers from when he first acquired the turtles, and out of “the goodness of his heart” (aka because Mikey begged him nonstop for a solid three hours) Draxum saw it fit to give them each their corresponding paper.

They were enlightening, to a degree, though it was kinda crazy seeing baby versions of their pre-mutation selves stapled to the corner of the paper.

When Leo got his paper, he grinned at his “super cute baby self” and shifted his eyes to read up a little.

Sure, there was the expected long drawn out essay about his role and place in regard to “world domination” or whatever that Leo skimmed over and proceeded to ignore thanks to the excess of way too big words, but what really caught Leo’s eye was the basic description of himself at the top of the papers.

There was his species, what seemed to be a number (either 2 or 3, Leo wasn’t sure since the bottom was burned a bit), his size (tiny!!), and then, right below those…

‘SEX: F’

…Leo blinked. Then blinked again.

“Draxum.” He said, getting his brothers’ attention.

At the lack of response, he looked up.

“Draxum.” The sheep Yokai walked away faster. “DRAXUM.” He was jogging now. “DRAXUM WHY DOES IT SAY ‘F’?!”

Draxum was booking it away from them as Leo gave chase, shouting about how “IT EXPLAINS A LOT BUT I NEED SOME ANSWERS! DRAXUM! DON’T YOU RUN AWAY I JUST WANNA TALK-“

There was flashes of blue light, then silence.

The others stood there, wondering what just happened before shrugging it off and using their baby photos to go and bribe Splinter with.

[spacedace]

DPxDC snippet/prompt:

-

“John.”

Zantanna’s voice had that cadence to it. Faintly strangled. Forcibly calm. Her rising blood pressure and rapidly approaching limit for his special brand of excitement evident in every single letter of his name.

Felt like old times.

“Z.” He said, smoke curling out of his mouth and billowing towards the dreary grey sky above. The one nice thing about Gotham, it had the same gloomy dark ambience of ol’ London town. “Long time no see. How’s show biz been treating you?”

He saw the faintest of twitches at the corner of her eye. Could almost hear her counting to ten in her head. He smiled at her winningly, leaning back against the damp bricks of the alleyway as he waited. More smoke drifted upward from beside him in time with a bored sigh. Patience was running out on all sides it seemed.

“That’s a child.”

“Sharp as ever.” He said, taking another drag. He nudged the child in question beside him gently with his elbow, glancing down with a sly grin. “See this is why the Justice League pay her the big bucks. Nothing gets past our Zantanna Zatara.”

He got a cloud of smoke blown directly in his face for that, little shit.

“John.”

“Z.”

“Why do you have a child? Why is the child smoking?”

“Long story.” He said with a wave of his hand.

“I learned it from watching him.” The kid said, with the same cadence as that old American commercial. All dramatic and overwrought emotion. The gremlin swooned against John's side in an imitation of collapse, hand holding the lit bifter coming up to their forhead to really sell the melodrama. He nudged his ghostly companion off, grinning at Zantanna’s slipping patience as he did.

“Don’t worry about it. Kid's fine.”

“A child wandering around with you in a dark ally in Gotham smoking cigarettes is fine?”

“I mean, I’m already dead. And short. It’s not like smoking is gonna be able to do any worse to me.”

[dejwrld]

the topic of colorism within the black community will never be understood until people understand that it's deeper than being bullied in high school and dating preferences.

[floccinaucinihilipilificationa]

Hello may 31th anon! Look at that, another year behind us and a new one to come. Have a nice day! ₍՞◌′ᵕ‵ू◌₎♡

[doctorsiren]

“Seven Birds / Crystal Kingdom”

A TAZ:Balance song / cover I “wrote” back in (i want to say) 2018

I say “wrote” because the lyrics are the prophecy and then the second half is simply a cover of the Crystal Kingdom verses + a final one I added

[rodolfoparras]

Thinking about having the most mundane conversations with Price while being in rather compromising positions with him | 18+, MINORS DNI

Being captain meant having little to no free time for yourself and that was a sacrifice Price was willing to make since it didn’t affect anyone other than him.

Most of his time was spent in the gym, out on the field or locked away in his office dealing with the pile of paperwork that never seemed to stop growing. Free time for him was a rare thing and when he did have some time for himself he was always prepared that it would be cut short by someone or something.

As mentioned before it was a sacrifice he was willing to make but it all changed when you came into the picture. His constant absence had now started to affect someone else.

And you knew it was eating him alive, could see it in his eyes as you jokingly told him how cold his side of the bed was.

You’d see him nervously chewing his lips when he heard you say “long time no see” after he’d gotten back from yet another long mission that had kept you away from him.

You had countless conversations about it, argued even, well it was mostly Price arguing with himself about how you deserved someone else, someone who’d always be there, not the ghastly presence that was the captain himself.

You reassured him every time of course, told him you knew who he was, what the relationship would be like, knew what you were getting yourself into when you’d ask him out. You were in the military yourself and were no fool to what was bound to come out of this relationship. Besides he made it all worth your while when you actually got to see the man.

Especially in moments like these when he’s seated between your legs using either his hands or mouth to make you cum while he’s asking about your day.

Albeit seen as something mundane, he treasured the fact that he could ask about your day since he rarely got to spend his days with you.

So when he’d get the chance, usually early in the morning or late at night, he’d ask you about it; what you will do, what you have done or how it’s been. Tell him everything, he wants to know all about it.

“How was your day angel? ” he’d ask while kissing along the expanse of your thighs “tell me about it yeah?”

Will deliberately ask questions that will keep you talking long enough while his mouth is occupied. Despite not being able to talk much he’ll still hum and nod when you talk, will pull away from the spot between your legs to ask follow up questions or even make comments about what you had said.

If he’s just using his hands it’ll feel a lot more intimate of course since he’s much more present in the conversation, lots of eye contact, gentle smiles, calm and mellow voice as he asks his questions while his hands do all the work.

It makes an interesting sight really. You’re either pinned down to the bed or propped against a wall panting and body shaking while Price is between your legs, hair trapped between your merciless fingers, cheeks flushed but voice ever so composed as he asks about your day.

If you were to just go by his voice you'd never guess what he was doing.

But you can’t deny the fact that there’s something so exciting about having him ask about your day at work while putting his very own hand to work or having him ask about some movie or book you read before he buries his head between your legs, or hearing the word “close?” as he allows you to rant about whatever’s been on your mind lately.

And if you happen to answer a beat too late- too busy getting lost in whatever he’s doing with his mouth and hands, he’ll remind you to keep talking again.

One-two -three taps on your thigh in warning, before he’s pulling away from the spot between your legs with a stern look on his face.

“When I ask something, I expect a response”

You’d just furiously nod at that, biting down on your lip and hips bucking up at him, just wanting for him to get back to it.

“Good good” he’d say with a gentle smile on his face, no trace of that sharpness from earlier “ now how was..“ is what he says before he goes back to spot between your legs.

Even once you’ve reached your peak, and he’s holding you close as you’re coming down from it, his eyes will widen in realization as he says “wait you never finished telling me about..”

You’d just sigh and roll your eyes at the man you love so much.

It’s different - non traditional in every sense but it’s something you truly cherish in your relationship.

He’d even mention some of these things you talked about while in public, which would have you blushing while he’d play all innocent about it.

“What? I was just asking about..”

[Bonus: does not let anyone impose on these moments. Early mornings and late nights are reserved for you and you only, to hell with anyone who disagrees with it.]

[vargaslovinghours]

And never let you go ♥

Bonus without the overspill lighting:

[polaroidcats]

Ugly crying & the marauders generation - a pseudo-scientific approach (my marauders crying PhD abstract)

Abstract

In recent days, there have been a variety of claims as to who the prettiest and ugliest crier in the marauders generation could be. This paper aims to address the recent surge in opinions on the matter, and categorize different approaches as well as add a new approach to the scientific examination of ugliness/prettiness when it comes to crying. I hope to provide readers with an overview of the current state of research and encourage all marauders scholars to add their own and I intend to make a contribution to the discourse by committing to the bit and writing a pseudo-academic paper about it instead of actually working on my thesis.

Introduction

In the following paper, the discourse about 5 marauders era characters will be examined in regards to their various levels of perceived ugliness whilst crying. Scholars who may ask why Peter [Pettigrew] is not included in this analysis are advised to refer to acclaimed marauders ugly crying scholar @lynxindisguise's (2023) original poll on the popular blogging website "tumblr.com" which did not include Peter, but rather two non-marauders characters named Lily and Regulus. This paper will follow that approach, since Peter is the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met, I do not trust him and he is a fugly slut. The characters included in this approach are as follows: James Potter, Lily Evans, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Regulus Black.

Following the scientific criteria for ugly crying, as stated by lynxindisguise et. al (2023), the question of the ugliest crier can be answered by observing the crying person and assessing their ugly-levels on the following parameters: (1) unbecoming facial expressions, (2) facial swelling/blotching, (3) unsettling noises, (4) snot factor, (5) tear volume, (6) general loss of dignity, (7) glistening eyes/lashes, (8) Victorian heroine factor, (9) elegant tear-wiping, (10) post-cry glow (ibid).

Criteria (1)-(6) can be categorized as the ugly crying parameters whereas (7)-(10) are pretty crying parameters, creating a false binary between ugly and pretty crying, which may be problematised and addressed in another the paper. In contrast to lynxindisguise’s original 10 criteria to measure the aesthetics of crying, this paper proposes to add (11) explosiveness of cry as another ugly crying parameter, in order to get a more clear assessment of where on the ugly-pretty crying scale a character falls.

The ugly crying parameters

(1) Unbecoming facial expressions

James Potter is mentioned in this category by several marauders scholars: @jaylienpotter talks about his red face and ugly sobbing, @artbyace mentions his “scrunched up cry face” and @sectoren claimes “james (…) is that one handsome guy that when the waterworks get going becomes like. Cartoonishly ugly”, raising the question of upkeeping toxic masculinity in order to avoid having to witness more of James Potter’s crying “mug”.

Though James Potter features heavily in this category, another character who is also mentioned just as often is Remus Lupin: @kaaaaaaarf, @appreciatedmoron and @http-starboy all emphasise that Remus Lupin is the one with a red and blotchy face.

(2) facial swelling/blotching

While there is a definitive overlap between the categories of facial swelling/blotching, unbecoming facial expressions and snot factor, Sirius’ and Regulus’ victorian heroine complexions, which give them an advantage in the homonymous category, may be to their disadvantage in the “blotching” category. This will require further research by other scholars.

(3) unsettling noises

James Potter is mentioned in this category by Jaylienpotter (2023), claiming he not only hiccups when crying but also that “his cries are one of the most heartbreaking things you’ll ever hear” and similarly, artbyace states that “James loves and feels so loudly”, whereas “Sirius is silent”, both sentiments are reminiscent of znelda’s (2023) statements that James “was allowed to feel his emotions freely in a loving household” and “Sirius (…) [is] used to hide [his] feelings and [has] become stoic”.

With several other scholars, among them also @jamesunderwater (2023) raising the point that James may be the ugliest crier due to him being “the only one well adjusted enough to have access to his feelings” this raises the question of possibly introducing another category, maybe of emotional awareness/stability to be able to measure this parameter more efficiently, though emotional vulnerability may also just be a part of the unsettling noises parameter, suggesting that there is a correlation between noisiness and the existing environment being welcoming to and accepting of various expressions of emotions.

(4) snot factor

The most popular winner in the snot factor category seems to be Remus Lupin, with several scholars agreeing that his sobs are the dampest and snottiest out of all the candidates. kaaaaaaarf (2023) writes “he turnes all red and blochty and snot drips out of his nose (…) he cant (sic) not cry with his mouth open as well so there is a lot of spit”, and appreciatedmoron (2023) agrees with kaaaaaaarf on this.

It only seems right to me to include spit in the snot category as well, seeing as they’re both crying-related bodily fluids that add to the ugly-cry factor. http-starboy (2023) also mentions snot in regards to Remus Lupin, which compared to both their comments in (1) opens up the question of how unbecoming facial expressions, more particularly redness of the face and snot factor may be related, as several authors seem to write about both specifically in relation to each other. Whether this is just pure coincidence or not would need further research, for which we currently do not have enough funding. This is only one of the many research gaps in the relatively new field of marauder’s ugly crying studies, which cannot fully be addressed in this paper.

James Potter is also mentioned in the snot category, namely by the marauders scholar artbyace (2023).

(5) tear volume

Artbyace (2023) claims James Potter is “full on bawling” which can only be assumed to refer to tear volume, but the most convincing argument for tear volume comes from the acclaimed marauders scholar @fruityindividual (2023), stating that “tsunami warning tones go off in sirius’ brain anytime remus is close 2 (sic) tears” which already indicates high levels of tear volumes. The author then goes on to specify the volume by claiming that “indeed the ocean wishes rj lupin would jump in and help contribute 2 (sic) rising sea levels”, further emphasizing the volume of Remus's tears.

(6) general loss of dignity

@pastaplatypus (2023) writes about James Potter not being able to do a Melodramatic Bollywood Cry, which is perceived as inherently racist by the crier.

I would like to argue that Sirius Black also deserves to be mentioned in this category. While as of today, with less than 1 hour left to vote, 15.5% of voters agree that Sirius is the ugliest crier, the more outspoken voices all argue for different ugly criers. Due to their upbringing, I am tempted to name both Black brothers in the “loss of dignity” category and look forward to reading future contributions to this discussion.

The pretty crying parameters

(7) glistening eyes/lashes

Undoubtedly Sirius Black deserves to be mentioned in this category. I believe his dark lashes and glimmering eyes are part of what makes him the prettiest crier. Whereas Remus’s eyes also sometimes glisten or appear red, and it is usually attributed to be caused by drug consumption, which more often than not is a wrong assumption, but he happily goes along with the pretense of being a weed-smoking bad boy in order to hide his ugly crying damp tendencies.

(8) Victorian heroine factor

It almost seems superfluous to even mention Sirius (and, to a lesser degree, Regulus) Black in this category. This category was made for Sirius, as is apparent when reading lynxindisguises (2023) description of the victorian heroine factor, in response to a question by the scholar @plecotusauritus:

“the Victorian Heroine Factor is a deeply scientific assessment of the Vibes. Is this person giving tragically beautiful, windswept Victorian Heroine, sobbing gently into their hands while sprawled across a boulder or a well or a fountain of some sort? When they look up at you, do their tear-plumped lips part elegantly as a single tear slides down their cheek?”

(9) elegant tear-wiping

There hasn't been a lot of research in this area, but I would like to propose handkerchiefs with embroidered initials and family crests as another potential factor in favor of the Black brothers scoring high marks in this category as well as the Victorian heroine factor.

(10) post-cry glow

Artbyace (2023) claims “lily is always beautiful (…) even when crying”, which is echoed by znelda’s (2023) earlier claim that “Lily (…) [is] a woman and no woman is ugly when crying.”

Sirius is the other popular choice by marauders scholars for this category, with @in-flvx (2023) stating that he “handsomely handsomes while dying after 12 years of torture hell and another year in shackles”, which would mean that “a few tears would[n’t] stop him from being the hottest person in the room at all times” (ibid).

Additional parameters

I am suggesting to introduce an additional metric in order to further specify and better assess the ugly-crying levels:

(11) explosiveness of cry

@felixantares (2023) introduces the idea that Remus “is the type that very few people have been seen cry because he ignores every difficult emotion hes (sic) ever had (…) and it all explodes at once and its horrible to watch when he breaks down”, a sentiment shared by several of the other authors mentioned above in various other categories.

Further opinions & conclusions

The most popular consensus seems to be that Sirius cannot be the ugliest crier, sometimes also in direct comparison to his brother: @spindrifters (2023) answers the question of the ugliest crier with “obviously it’s regulus”, elaborating that “at least [it’s] definitely not sirius bc (sic) reg is canonically less handsome in all ways” which brings up the question if regular beauty plays into ugly crying. This is contrasted by lynxindisguises argument, that Sirius may be an ugly crier because he’s so gorgeous, and his ugly crying subverts the expectations of beauty:

“the most beautiful man alive looks hideous while crying, and his deeply awkward and perpetually damp bf (sic) is literally in his element while crying – dampness becomes him, you might say.”

This statement raises yet another question – does regular crying make the crier more or less ugly? Can an ugly crier become a pretty crier by practice or are we all born either ugly or pretty criers, condemned to this fate for life?

While this paper has given an overview of the current state of research to ugly crying/pretty crying, it has also raised many more questions. Other topics which may be addressed in future papers also include the philosophical question whether ugly crying is in the eye of the beholder and if it is possible to ugly cry without being perceived, and if it is possible to ugly cry if the person perceiving you doesn’t find it ugly. Since the research field of ugly crying is a relatively new one, we can only hope to read many more opinions on these and other topics in the future, and I look forward to reading different scholar’s approaches to these highly relevant topics.

[megamindsupremacy]

I need more dpxdc crossovers making use of the way technically, Valerie is Amity Park’s hero. Phantom is the menace running around destroying shit with other ghosts, and Valerie is the vigilante who’s dedicated herself to stopping them.

It can go a few ways- a post-reconciliation fic where Danny and Valerie have moved past their rivalry and now they’re buds. bros. besties. running around and corralling ghosts together. the Justice League is working off of way outdated info and they think Valerie is still the sole hero of Amity, fighting off Phantom and other ghosts as they try to take over the Living Realms. They try to interfere with a fight to help Valerie against Danny until they both stop like "dude why are you interfering in our spar, we're busy here, go away" and continue trying to knock each other into the ground.

Or they approach Phantom, thinking he’s the hero and not knowing anything about Valerie, until she shows up and attacks Danny, yelling about how he ruined her life. and now the JL think Phantom lied to them about being a hero and they’re on Valerie’s side helping her hunt down Danny, who is 10x more stressed than he was that morning before the Fucking Justice League started hunting him down trying to capture him while Valerie tells them all about how evil ghosts and Danny are, with help from the Fentons

Or Danny is an established JL member, and the JL doesn’t really know much about Amity or that Valerie exists at all, until they’re facing a relatively big ghost problem and Danny's like “alright we’re calling in the calvary”. The JL expects another ghost, like the clone Phantom apparently has that he brought to work one day, and then some woman shows up, punches Phantom in the arm for never calling her, and then the pair wreck ghostly shit together while everyone watches in awe

Or the reverse, where Valerie is an established JL member or at least auxiliary member, and she’s their on-call ghost expert. Until one day there’s a question she doesn’t have the answer to and she’s like “alright one sec let me call my friend Danny”, and an hour later a ghost flies through the wall, hugs her, yells something excited about SPACE!!! and helps them with whatever problem the JL is having. Everyone is like “hey i thought you hated ghosts?” and Valerie just goes “yeah, but this guy is cool.”

Or the JL approaches Valerie in Amity Park and she introduces herself as Amity Park’s sole ghost-fighting hero, don’t ask what happened to the last guy. Everybody fully assumes she was dating “the last guy” and he was killed by the ghosts, and she took his mantle to get justice. Turns out, no, “the last guy” is Danny and he’s no longer the Amity Park hero because now he’s the ghost king, and he’s in charge of the fuckers now. Nobody ever clarifies that no, Danny and Valerie were not a couple who fought ghosts together until Danny was killed by a ghost, forever warping his personality and forcing him into the position of Ghost King. Because you’re not supposed to ask about it.

There's so much you can do with it, I have so many thoughts

[horsemeatluvr23]

etho doodle!!!!! this one is late because i was having an identity crisis and thinking about moving to lebanon. anyways the necklace is bdubs missing tooth from secret life <3

[ikram1909]

Gavi apologized to fans because he couldn't take more photos because the light was green 😭❤️

[skitskatdacat63]

"The Boy With The Thorn in His Side"(x) - The Smiths × 2023 Strollonso moments + pundits' reactions

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

everybody stay with me im shifting back into speculation & analyzing mode, this time about everybody's favorite pair of besties. ill put this under the cut for everyone's sakes

and please, take all of this with a Hefty grain of salt.

so ive been... thinking about a thing. a maybe-possibility. which if this has some merit, the part of me that loves characters having a good time and feeling good feels is screaming in fear. but the louder part of me that loves angst and hurting characters is rubbing its little fly hands together.

short version: i think Barnaby is going to emotionally distance from Wally, if not outright grow to resent him. maybe temporarily, maybe not.

full version: *cracks knuckles* strap in folks. so.

first of all, an entire chunk of Barnaby's bio is dedicated to his character relation to Wally. everyone else only has one-off lines dedicated to their relationships to other neighbors - even Frank & Julie just have single sentences about each other (note that they're described as "partnered with" and "depicted with" respectively. more on that soon). even Wally's bio has his Barnaby mention tacked onto the end of his first paragraph instead of being its own dedicated section

and then there's their character designs - their bios explicitly point out that they share characteristics; color schemes, hearts on their soles, similar outfits.

they were made to be best friends. literally. this quote is what made me start turning this theory over in my mind (sourced from @ /theneighborhoodwatch's collected & absolutely fascinating livestream trivia)

it appears that Barnaby literally did not have a say in whether or not he and Wally are friends. their bios even say "illustrated pages note that they were best friends multiple times." they have to be best friends.

which brings us back to Frank & Julie. they briefly reference each other in their bios, but they aren't described as best friends. it's incredibly likely that they were meant to be a romantic couple - i briefly covered that theory in this post (dont read the first one i was going insane) but they managed to avoid that. Frank and Julie defied the script and chose to be best friends instead.

and then in the trivia document a few more character relationships are briefly touched on, like how Howdy considers Barnaby a close friend, and Sally considers either Barnaby or Poppy as her closest friend, etc.

everyone else seems to be choosing who they're close with. they're forming their own opinions and dynamics and relationships. & its interesting that Barnaby is stated for both of these - as if implying that he may return the friendship feelings, or at the very least he's developed enough of a relationship with them to earn their affection

Barnaby and Wally... i doubt they ever got that. they were best friends from the start, no development, no choice. it's written into them.

and then there's how their relationship has been portrayed so far. i believe i saw an ask where Clown stated that Barnaby is very polite to Wally, which struck me as odd. have you ever had a polite relationship to your best friend? have you ever seen best friends be polite? i'd be surprised!

best friends mess with each other! they tease and rib and roast! what is a best friend for if not mutual tomfuckery?! jesting around? playfully pushing boundaries? a Polite best friendship... that's a straight up oxymoron. no such thing. that sounds boring and exhausting.

not only that, but the fact that Barnaby is often used for Wally's painting segments, and is the go-to guy for teaching Wally something new, is kind of concerning. it gives me the vibe that a big part of Barnaby's literal reason for existing is to be Wally's friend & guide.

which would make the fact of him being described as polite to Wally make sense. of course he's not going to push their relationship or try to deepen it - he's forming his own dynamics with the other neighbors. with Wally... it's already established. that is how they are with each other. that is what they are to each other.

and it's not like Wally can be the one to introduce nuances. i don't mean that as a slight or anything - he's just the way he's been described and the things stated about him that make me think that he wouldn't really... know how to? it just wouldn't occur to him. he probably thinks his and Barnaby's relationship is what a best friendship is and is how it should be.

but they have to hang out. they have to refer to each other as best friends. and while i believe that Wally does wholeheartedly think that they're best friends, close as can be... i doubt Barnaby feels the same. like - yes, he probably does care about Wally. everybody likes Wally.

but it's gotta be frustrating for Barnaby, especially as time goes on and he becomes more himself as a person over just being a character playing a part. it probably stunts his relationship growth with others, since his ~best friend spot~ is already taken and who would want to encroach on that? especially since its taken by Wally mcfuckin Darling?

their friendship might become less of a role and more of a responsibility. Barnaby might grow to feel obligated to stick with Wally as his "best friend". someone invites Barnaby to hang out and/or help with something? sorry, he has to pose for Wally's painting. Barnaby is trying to do his own thing? sorry, Wally is knocking on the door and asking for help with something.

i wonder if Barnaby ever hopes that Wally will go to someone else, or feels relief when he does. and then does he feel irritation/guilt over that denied hope or that granted relief? then does he get angry at himself for those emotions?

how would this effect how he treats Wally and acts around him? this confusing muddle of emotions and this strange growing resentment for his painfully earnest friend who only ever means well, if he means at all.

it makes me curious whether or not this theory has merit. and how this could come to a head. what would Barnaby, in this situation, do if/when he discovers that they're puppets on a set, and he's literally written to be Wally's bestie while everyone else changed their scripts and chose their own relationships.

personally, i don't think he'd be happy, and i doubt he'd handle it well.

[akuma-ren]

Does anyone else get the feeling that rafayel is incredibly angry all the time? Like shinobu kocho from demon slayer

[pauls1967moustache]

[villanele]

SOBRIETY.

I am brute,

Austere,

Cold,

Malevolent.

I go down the steps

of humanity as if

I had been pushed.

I can't stand sobriety.

I have a doctorate in self-destruction –

It took me many years

to complete it,

But here I am:

Mutilated,

Extorted from my former optimism, Drunk,

Stunned,

Numb on the last step

of the huge ladder of life.

My grand finale never arrives.

This is who I am.

Nobody taught me how to be someone else.

And that's the girl I rescued

from the bottom of the pool, about to drown.

Can you believe it?

I saved myself.

Then I studied and

mastered the art of losing myself.

I have since returned to

the bottom of that pool

and I stay down there.

Such revolting and satisfying silence.

A contradiction.

This is who I am.

And I swim very well.