#whatever it’s okay i’m off work
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i am so furious today for no reason bdjjxjdjshsh
#i hate it. cuz there are things today that are genuinely delightful but i’m struggling to enjoy them because i am So Mad#not at anything in particular it’s just hot and i didn’t eat enough lol#and my coworkers kept leaving the window open and letting the hot air in which was so frustrating and i was so ANGRY about it#but i had no ground to stand on cuz i did not tell them this. i just stood there seething jfihcyudsyfsg#whatever it’s okay i’m off work#and there’s bbbingo tonight so that’ll give me something#anyway. anyway!#marshy speaks
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Tony feels a massive wave of relief the day Gob finally agrees to maybe try therapy.
I hc that Gob gets nightmares of actual and imagined J. Walter Weatherman lessons and this is based off a little sketch I did a while ago about that.
#gob is concerning 24/7 and tony is ever-concerned for his wellbeing#i’m hoping to finish that sketch someday#this comic didn’t actually start out as being based off of that it just sort of turned into it#it was actually originally a part of another thing I’m working on#that I guess is still technically related since it’s about Gob agreeing to do therapy#but it was more so specifically about Gob like deflecting and being like ‘pshh i’m fine i don’t need therapy i have you!’#and tony being like ‘okay but what if i’m not able to help you or i’m not in your vicinity at the time.’#sort of expressing ya know that of course tony is always willing to be there for Gob but he’s worried about what if there’s a time#where gob needs help and he can’t help him for whatever reason#i’ll probably still do that#if not now eventually#but more likely eventually since i’m already planning out other drawings#gob bluth#will arnett#tony wonder#ben stiller#blunder#arrested development#arrested development fanart#gay gob is concerning
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I bring to you, actual art but it’s me trying to replicate my friend @spaceshmuck’s art style
✧ reblogs are appreciated ✧ | ♡ buy me a kofi ♡ | ☾ commission info ☽
#whimsy whispers#crystalart.png#others ocs#strand von zarovich#curse of strand#space tag#GOD this was so difficult and I don’t even feel like I did that good a job but it was also fun#also hi I’m not gonna shut up about my art program crashing and this corrupting right as I was almost finished with it I need people to know#that the universe tried to stop this from existing >:| I did not spend hours going ‘is this how it would draw hands’ and cursing myself for#the damn art to not see the light of day#anyways please look at my friends art it’s SO good like god I’m jealous of its art style and character designs >:’)#like literally such lovely art y’all will check it out because I said so and my word is like law or whatever#I’m like writing these at 4:25zm on a Monday and like this won’t even be posted for another week or so but like#sorry if I’m especially stupid rn I didn’t wanna go to sleep yet so I’m saving drafts and listening to off the wall magical! on loop#y’all should also check out junie & thehutfriends because I find their music fun#just listen to me when I tell you to look at ppls art because I have good taste okay? you can trust me I’m holding your hand and we’re going#to have fun I prommy#also please do not talk about the background it was one of the things I was gonna work on when the art program crashed#the only thing I fixed after that was minor mistakes like not colouring in buttons#anyways ily pretty vampire man and ily my dear friend who’s art style vexes me 💖
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I should do more things like I tag my tumblr posts tbh.
#there’s not a coherent system BUT I also don’t fuss about it#also sometimes I go off in the tags and it’s fun. Okay I do that all the time but I mean the actual organization system#I generally can find specific posts I want and so can followers. Or at least enough#but for whatever reason I have just not been overly fussy about trying to do it perfectly and it has worked out better than if I tried#this is the most boring text post in the history of the world I’m so sorry akdkkejejeje#I need to let more things go#many many things#is my point. sorry the vehicle for that thought was insanely boring alkskekekekj
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would it be sacrilege of me to say that i am kinda hashtag Underwhelmed by the percy jackson show
#first off. the directing is just not that good.#like you could have taken the unique story and made interesting choices that make the story feel more exciting but so far it’s just so basi#basic shot composition basic camera movement fairly basic lighting#also like i can understand changes from the book. going from a first person novel to a show is difficult and you have to make changes.#but also some of them are just like nonsensical. why would you change the claiming from a moment of victory for percy to whatever that was#<- well okay not really victory. more confusion and fear and desperation with a tad bit of victory#(also the claiming symbol looked bad and i’m salty about that)#i liked that annabeth had it figured out though that was fun. the introduction to her character kinda slayed#oh my god also the decision for that scene where luke is telling percy abt him annabeth and thalia to Not have any broll type shots overtop#-of the explaination actually Showing what luke was saying was lame#i get that they don’t have the actor for thalia chosen yet but you could have easily done it to where you only showed young luke+annabeth-#-and just thalia’s like sillohuette or hand reaching out or whatever#also again about the claiming scene they just took away all of the hints toward future twists. the hellhound summoned by someone in camp-#-and the hints toward the Big prophecy :(#anyway overall it’s awesome and it’s so fun to see pjo on screen. it’s just a bit lacking imo ☹️#oh and the reduction of gabe into an almost comedic character rather than as an absolutely foul person that percy and sally have had to-#-suffer just does not work for me. it’s such an important detail thematically and also gives so much more context and meaning to percy and-#-sally’s lives and relationship. i think it’s so important but they changed it to something more palletable :(#ash rambles#ash.txt
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The fact that I’ve found someone to sublease over a week ago and contacted the landlords OVER A WEEK AGO about needing the application forms and they still haven’t given them to us… please they want to move in on June 1st and I also want that so I don’t have to pay rent by myself I hate landlords I hate them so much
#I emailed them asking for the forms since we ALL have to fill them out#and it took them THREE DAYS to answer with ‘oh just give us the subleaser’s info we’ll email it to her :)’#and I was like um. okay. don’t know why you won’t just send them to me but whatever#so I reply with their info#and they STILL have not contacted her and it’s been nearly a full week since that#I’m going to fucking scream#you have to send us one damn email#I already TALKED to them about this in person and they were like ‘oh yeah once you have a subleaser just tell us and we’ll email the forms’#BITCH THEN WHY ARENT YOU#and they’re fucking office hours are 10-5. I work 10-6:30….#and I’ve been having weekends off recently so I don’t have a day off to go talk to them about this again#AAAGGGHHHHH#I guess I’m gonna try calling them on one of my breaks today and just hope it goes quickly cuz idk what else to do#like bro your job is to sit on your ass and collect other people’s money#I know y’all are not so swamped you can’t answer a simple fucking email#I fucking hate landlords#this is so stressful#and I feel bad for the other person because like! this is not a good sign for somewhere you’re trying to move 😭😭😭😭#esp cuz I was like ‘oh they’re usually good at responding quickly’#because they HAVE been but fuck me I guess when it ACTUALLY matters its fucking crickets#kaz rambles
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I wish I had friends near meeeeeee to distract me from my brainnnnnnnnnn
#need to talk to anyone irl who isn’t related to me or dating my mom or my therapist#anyone else near me please I’m losing my mind#nature isn’t healing me sleeping in a fully dark room all day isn’t healing me how do I magically fix this without having to put any work#into it oh I can’t oh u have to do the work okay how do I do that. therapy once a week. oh. okay. yup.#can I speedrun it? oh no? I can’t. oh damn. okay fine whatever. therapy once a week. AND I HAVE TO ACTUALLY LISTEN AND DO WHAT SHE SAYS. bro#what the hell okay fine#well here I am !!!!! where is the fixing where is the feeling better I feel like all I do is stir up all these touch emotions from every#part of my life at once and then she sends me off to rot for week before I come back and talk again#I just feel like I’m losing it!!!!! and ik it’s extra bad bc birthday countdown is on in my brain and im stressed and i feel like a huge#fuck up that can never be fixed and like I will die having done nothing with my life except weigh other people down and so exhausting and my#brain won’t ever shut up like yes I get it years and years and years of built up shit that I never properly dealt with and still hold blame#for constantly and I feel like I will never be fixed like I CANT be fixed like this is a losing battle and I just am struggling today man#idk what I was saying I just took my morning weed hit to try and relax my back a little and now my brain is like scrambled eggs#which is good that means it’s working#I’m gonna try to take a nap maybe cause I only slept four hours and it was like choppy thru the night and then maybe I’ll go to the lake#later I’ve been feeling the need to be in a body of water recently
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I know. I know that Dean killing John was never actually in the cards. But watching s1 with that idea in the back of your head? Completely different experience. The way he insists on diverting from their dad’s trail as it grows colder. The way he bites Sam’s head off whenever Sam insists they need to go after him. Little lines about Dean & John, the life they’ve had alone without Sam there, that are totally innocent but feel so much more ominous with the idea that he killed his dad. Anyway.
#maybe one day I’ll do something with this#no monsters au where John still raised them the same#and Sam goes off to college but never shakes the beliefs he was raised with#but dean. he gets older. he works with John. and he sees that there is nothing in the dark.#and he kills his dad. for whatever reason. but he kills his dad#and when John is dead he *needs* Sam. it doesn’t matter how he gets Sam by his side all that matters is getting him within eyesight#and keeping him there. whatever the cost.#(I’m saying Dean kills Jess. I’m saying he’s justifying it all in his head as his only way to keep Sam safe.)#(nevermind that the most dangerous thing to Sam is him.)#and so he and Sam go on their little crosscountry trip. saving people. hunting things. or so Dean says. Sam never sees anything.#but dean wouldn’t lie about this. and he’s got the injuries and the bodies to prove that Something is going on wherever they hunt#(Skin is. shapeshifter!dean is. yeah. yeah there’s no shapeshifter in this version.#it’s just dean. and a get out of jail free card to say whatever he wants to Sam. do whatever he wants.#and at the end he can say he killed the shifter and Sam will cling even tighter to him after whatever harm was visited upon him.#and Dean justifies it. it’s okay. it’s all fine. if it keeps Sam close. if it lets him keep Sam safe.)#anyway. evil s1 ideas#spn#supernatural#Dean Winchester#Sam winchester#John winchester
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2024 if you fuck me up I will never forgive you
#why did i chip a filling i’ve had for two years. at least it’s only Chipped i guess. not fully gone#but what the fuck bro. why#i was eating the softest food in the world too. literally chicken korma and rice with a naan. SOFT#maybe the naan was chewy and the sauce was sticky and it created a lethal combination idk#i have to call the dentist tomorrow and for what#i love spending money i don’t have on dental work 🫠 y’know i really.. i really love seeing that money come in every week#and thinking ‘you know what i’m going to spend that on? having teeth’#if anyone younger than me is reading this brush your teeth right now. then floss them. please#i’m not going to tell you to use mouthwash because i don’t use mouthwash because it’s a horrible sensory experience for me#on like 3 different levels. but like. whatever you do just don’t end up like me#i’m just so Annoyed because it’s literally a tiny bit of tooth that’s come off but because it’s like.. the edge of the molar right where it#touches the next tooth; it feels Really uncomfortable. and i know i’m going to get in and they’ll be like ‘but did you floss it?’#NO i didn’t floss it. for fuck’s sake. why do you think i’m back here after two years#i hope they can fix it fast this time. last time what happened was i went in and they were like ‘okay wow.. so your tooth has chipped#and the part that came off has basically embedded itself in your gum’ so they had to basically dig it out (sans anaesthetic#because i refused it because it doesn’t work on me anyway) and then my gum was bleeding so much they were like ‘we can’t fill this’#they gave me a temporary filling. fell off within 4 weeks. gave me another one (no charge for that one) it again fell off in four weeks#at which point it was late 2021 when there was no official lockdown but medical professionals were refusing to see anybody whatsoever#you were hearing about people removing their own teeth at home. it was wild. anyway i finally got a proper filling 4 months later#and then today i ate rice and it fell off. probably because i don’t floss. possibly because it just wasn’t a good filling#most of it is definitely still on there but i’m now prodding it with my tongue like ‘are you going to bail on me too?’#i feel like i need to look in there and make sure it’s not in my gum. i don’t want a repeat of last time#fix me the same day i go in to get it looked at or so help me#personal
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I don’t think any of my friends would even notice if I just isolated myself lmao
#so I’m gonna do it!!!!#I don’t feel like any of them care anyway#I only have three friends btw no surprise there#honestly it’s a miracle I have any but yknow#it doesn’t matter all but one just continually forget about me even on days they Know are hard for me#and I’m not exaggerating because one sorta checked on me and then I was semi comforting him instead and the other tweeted about hoping I’m#okay but did nothing to actually check on me or anything I’m just a passing thought its like I’m not even there#like a tweet on your priv about me is nothing compared to actually messaging me and checking on me#whatever I’m just a dead flower anyway since I never text first and then I see things where they complain about people that don’t text first#and I get even more self conscious and upset at myself but I can’t do anything about it because when I try lately things go wrong so why try#stop watering a dead plant they say lmao#not like I have trauma that stops me or anything#not like when I had decided I needed help or just someone to talk to it took me hours to finally text#not like I texted first to try and resolve an argument twice lately and you were just even more angry#idk what you want me to do#I just know what I can and can’t do#I haven’t been enough for you this whole year and I know if you leave that he’ll leave too that’s how y’all work#I honestly wanna deactivate my twt but that’ll just piss him off#I just need to live silently until I get the tax money#oh lol just remembered one time when I texted first to try and fix things he tweeted about how he wished he had just killed himself the#night before so he wouldn’t have to have that conversation just then!!!!!!#but no I’m just an awful person because I don’t text first
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my bf (?) thinks im boring bc i don’t like staying out late and going to bars and going camping and going to raves but he’s literally the most boring person i’ve ever met like we don’t do anything bc he hates everything that isn’t movies, dinner, or just kissing. like i asked him out to the art gallery and he made excuses and cancelled, then when i tried to reschedule it he told me that he told his friends that he wants me to meet (that i keep avoiding) and they laughed and said that he’s the least artsy person ever so why tf would i ask him there … he hates reading and arts and crafts (i wanted to go do a pottery workshop with him) or cooking or museums or just anything … also he’s lowkey so cheap he didn’t even get me a gift like flowers or a plushie or anything at all for my birthday knowing my birthday is probably the day i hate most out of the entire year. he never gets me anything, he’s like “well the biggest gift is spending time together!!” okay … but … i get you gifts… he buys me tea sometimes. the only thing i like is that we go on lots of trails together so it’s nice being in nature. not sure if this will last, but it sucks that i still like him
#ignore this i’m just annoyed#he also used to be nicer to me and call me sweet names and send me nice messages but ever since i told him i don’t wanna have sex with him#he’s been cold and distant like aksjfjsjdj whatever#also he expects me to drop everything like all my responsibilities to hangout with him yet he can take days off from work to hang out W his#friends and do the stuff he wants but doesn’t take a day off to hang out with me. okay#but expects me to take days off … slay#🧸
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When I made a passive aggressive Snapchat story abt people fucking calling me and one of the people it was intended for swipes up and says it’s because she “sucks at text”: 😝🙄
#okay and I suck at phone calls. also suck my dick and leave me alone#diary post#and it was to ask me to go to a fucking art festival. I do not want to do that now or ever. I don’t like festivals#oh sure let’s ask the mentally ill loner if he wants to go to a fucking festival. that will surely only end well#also I’ve gotten good at not saying like no worries or sorry or whatever when it’s not my problem. yay me#argh. I have to go to [state] I am fully aware the only thing that will calm me down is seeing my mountains#okay 29/30th I’m going to [statw] it’s literally the soonest I have two fucking days off of work#god I am not going to make it. but mom would be sad or whatever
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my cat is acting like. super duper weird and lethargic and i’m freaking out a bit but i literally have nothing i can do besides what i’m already doing
#i’m just very nervous i don’t want to lose her :(#she’s just acting soooooo off and it’s only been in the last ???? 6 hours and i was asleep for 2.5 of them and idk if she was acting this#way before i got home from work or not????? idk but i just am anxious i want her to be okay :(#she’s never had any issues before and she isn’t showing toooooo many bad signs but she’s just acting so Wrong compared to normal#idk i’m just eutjejfjsjgjjefjsjfj#i’m gonna keep her in my room tonight i think bc otherwise i’m scared she’s gonna hide behind my parents bed and ….not make it…..and then we#literally won’t be able to get to her bc of how my parents bed is built like fhsurjsjdjfjfiejrje fuck#i’m gonna clear a spot on my floor for her food and water and a litter box so she can do whatever she needs but idk#i don’t know the last time she ate but she’s also not a cat who eats A TON so it’s hard to keep track of it Anyway#i know she’s had water but also ???? idk how much bc now she just sits over the water dish and doesn’t do anything ???? idkkkkkkkk#i just !!!!!!!!! don’t know what to do at all ilove her so much :(
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not being able to fit in even with the groups of ppl who don’t fit in lol sometimes it feels like this high school mentality will never end.
#ranting in the tags#not that it matters but i’m sensitive so i’m gonna complain no matter what#being called a loner all your life then turning it into some kind of badge of honor#bc it’s the only way not being able to click with or connect with ppl stings less#it only works for so long. and when it stops working… lol. just kinda sucks ig.#like every negative trait i was told i have is just reinforced bc duh!!! ding ding ding it’s all making sense ofc ppl don’t wanna talk to u!#i don’t talk enough or make a good effort or i talk too much and make no sense or come off as rude#and either way i’m off putting and it just takes too much effort to be around me#it’s like i make peace with these things and then one fucking thing happens and i’m being slammed back to 15 year old bella mentality again#it’s so exhausting and i’m so tired of being upset that i’m not good at like being a normal functioning fucking person#and ppl try and connect with me but i just give absolutely nothing in return bc i don’t know how to!!!#genuinely like how do ppl just talk to each other? how do you all have friends and make it look so easy and natural#like it’s obviously probably easy and natural bc it’s supposed to be and for some reason i just like… can’t?#okay. whatever#doesn’t matter anyway i’ll go on living#just hate being sad over this. it feels so lame lol.#oscillating between self obsession and self pity every two weeks or so i’m actually so fucking over it hahaha#but it’s cool. i’m cool. rant over 😚#bella complains
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me: wow, I might be semi-interested in pursuing something romantic for the first time in four years. Like it’s something I might actually consider cause I’m feeling a particular kind of lonely, and could feasibly have the time and energy to dedicate to another being
God: … yeah. no.
#as in I literally said these words aloud#and was all ‘I guess if a half palatable and semi interesting person asks for my number at work today I minus well agree’#and the. for the first time in months not a soul approached me#but three different ladies invited me to their church’s#asked if I had a home church#me the girl wearing the cross necklace#and then to top it all off for the first time in months my manager was like ‘would Sunday be okay for you not to work’#so guess I’m going to attend a Sunday morning service for the first time in a minute instead of self studying#or whatever#sorry guys#it was too coincidental
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Just remembered how one of my dedicated to people last roadtrip literally was like “oh actually I don’t think you can stay here tonight I have work early tomorrow :(“ after driving like seven and a half hours to him (and he texted me this when I was an hour away from his house and we had literally talked about my plans to stay there all day) like hello red flag red flag red flag
#the way he made me drive ten hours in one day when it was like less than a week after my fathers funeral like bro hello#he really was like idk you should be able to just drive three hours to your next person idk ur gonna figure it out#insane insane insane#not to be that guy but literally to be that guy I am so glad I am making my own plans to sleep in random places on the road and not staying#at anyone’s house besides Millie and direct family#it was literally snowing in the mountains of West Virginia he was like yeah just drive three extra hours at night thru the mountains while#it snows#GRAH MAKES ME SO UPSET STILL#AM I THAT SHITTY OF A PERSON THAT HE DIDNT REALIZE THAT WAS A SHITTY THING TO DO#me willing to wake up at four in the morning to get out of his hair before work just for a bed to sleep in and not drive#I literally stopped and napped in his bed while the he smoked weed with our West Virginia friends before driving the extra three hours#he should’ve just let me crash if he was willing to have me and three other ppl over that night#god. angry. okay. gonna go shower and try to stop thinking about dedicated to people. I think I’ve also decided I’m not even gonna try to#talk to my Chattanooga almost friend at least not on the way up maybe on the way back I’ll shoot him a text#it only cuts like half an hour off of my trip but like whatever I’ll take that time over an awkward hang out with someone I haven’t talked#to in six months#ugh having friends is hard I hate it#Millie I love you. I know you don’t really tumblr often and don’t even follow this blog but Millie forever#gives me as much space as I need but then we randomly call each other and talk for hours and then go mute for a week again#send each other random pictures or texts or videos and then call in another week or two#and then we meet up in person and just absolutely love the vibes and then go back to being low key distant#I love it she is so awesome Millie ily forever and ever dude ur so good and so cool I am so excited to visit again even tho it’s only been#a couple months#okay I’m back to ranting I’m still thinking about it. we literally fucked and then he (dedicated to…) rolled over and tweeted abojt thinking#about someone else during sex LIKE I WAS LAYING NEXT TO HIM#AND HE TWEETED THAT. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. Not to mention all the just so so clearly ignoring me and talking to dudes on grindr while I was#sitting in his living room trying to hang out with him#still mad but I don’t want to be mad but I am still so mad he treated me like shit and I just was like yeah this is how having friends works#I was so dumb but I wanted attention and when he gave me attention it was incredible but so fucking rare but I actually cared about him and#he just didn’t care at all about hurting me while I was literally going thru the worst shit in my personal life like god I was so dumb
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