#what will go wrong next that just absolutely fucks my mental health into the earth

[floral-hex]

It’s almost 6 in the morning. Can’t sleep. Admittedly lonely. So I’ll type a little text post to feel like I’m actually “doing” something.

Doubled my vilazadone. Started buspirone. I’ve been on a diuretic for my ears (it’s complicated) for about a week now, but whether it’s coincidental or not, my hearing has been pretty great since I started. But hearing comes and goes, so we’ll see if this holds in the coming weeks. My body is having trouble adjusting to all of these new meds, but I think it’s starting to rebalance itself. Chemicals, man…

Okay, I really don’t know what else to say here. Just bored on a Saturday night… well, now Sunday morning. Might go eat some captain crunch. I just started the buspirone and I think it’s maybe making me.. eeeeee 😬😬😬😬… you get it? Not anxious, just on edge. They said take before bed to get used to it, but maybe they meant “hey, take as you’re falling asleep, because if you’re awake when it kicks in, you will stay awake.” Or maybe it’s just normal loneliness and anxiety keeping me up. Who knows. This seems like a downer post, yeah? Sorry. It’ll be positive, ya. I’ll go make some cereal, watch some tv, you all can do whatever you’re doing this morning. There are some birds chirping outside, I’ll see if my cats are awake, it’ll be nice.

[twothpaste]

i'm interested to hear about Porky for that character meme

First impression: The first time I saw Porky was in Smash Bros Brawl when I was like 12, and I was probably about as bamboozled as every other kid back then. I remember being creeped out and a little captivated, wondering what the hell could possibly be up with this rampaging kid / old man / ??? In some kind of life support mech??? Like damn these Mother games must be crazy. (Proceeded to emulate Pokemon instead for the next 6 years 🤸)

Impression now: Oh, I see! He was The Best Villain In All Of Media. That's what was up with him. He carved out a corner in the back of my brain where he's been living rent free for a decade. If I think too hard about him I go off the rails and sometimes become cataclysmically sad. Awesome.

Favorite moment: The entire Empire Porky Building is a mesmerizingly monolithic character study unto itself. But his climactic speech when you finally reach him at the 100th floor is like. God. Fucking hell. Where does one even begin. The surprising eloquent conviction with which he speaks, after a whole dungeon of childish taunting. And then, it's actually such a thin veneer after all. He's deluded himself into thinking he's a godlike visionary, but everything he declares about "humanity" is so insecure and immature and downright wrong. The unnerving spite and tragedy of it all. The urge to pity him feels like a bellyache. How you know where he came from and what a hapless child he used to be (and maybe still is) - but to the people of Nowhere?? They've got no fuckin' clue. And he doesn't belong here, but at the same time, he embodies every individualistic capitalistic apocalyptic thing they tried to shove under the rug and forget about. Just. Agh. Turns my brain and bones to jelly.

Idea for a story:

Unpopular opinion: He's not "insane," or mind controlled by Giygas, or gone "crazy" in the aftermath of Giygas' influence. A thousand lifetimes are sure to do something to a guy's head, sure - and I'm sure his mental health ain't great - but like?? Everything about him hits so much harder if he is of relatively sound reasoning (like every other capitalist), and if he's acting on his own will. Stripping him of his psychological agency renders him so thematically & conceptually toothless to me, idk. If he was just acting zany & evil 'cause he was out of his mind or whatever, then none of the shit he does or says really means anything!! Giygas brought out the worst in him. Aloysius and Lardna conditioned him to make terrible choices. Porky chose to spend 3842389 years committing atrocities unto mother Earth and mankind.

Favorite relationship: His friendship with Ness is so bittersweet, and his use of Claus as an extension of himself is both harrowing and fascinating. I think my fav is his narrative dynamics with Lucas though. How they both faced cruelty at the hands of shortsighted adults and the world at large, but learned completely different lessons from it. How Lucas, presumably a boundlessly kind and forgiving person, gets pushed to his absolute limit with this guy. How he's gotta grapple with the ethics of Porky's fate, whether or not he deserves to spend eternity trapped by his lonesome. How Porky coerces this humble farm kid into the role of Ness, chasing the high of his friendship and rivalry. How he calls Claus his "double," right in front of Claus' actual double, just to drive the knife in deeper. How he thinks he represents the grim reality of human nature, while Lucas stands tall and faces him as a shining counterpoint. Everybody explode now.

Favorite headcanon: Uhh shit I dunno what my favorite is. The Masked Man is based on one of his original comic characters he used to draw when he shouldda been paying attention in math class. He had a crush on Ness and didn't know what to do about it and now it's the whole universe's problem. He has a laughably poorly-informed admiration for Ronald Reagan, 'cause his dad spoke highly of him. If he were just a guy in the 2020s, his goal in life would be to usurp Elon Musk by being exactly the same but "smarter" and "more competent" (he would fail because he's neither).

[ch3rryc0kezer0]

Here are some extracts from my notes app, taken during my first listen of Being Funny In A Foreign Language by THE 1975, track by track:

THE 1975

- piano!

- sounds really big if that makes sense

- “i’m sorry if you’re living and you’re seventeen”

- the flute outro!!!!

HAPPINESS

- BANGER

- “YOU SHOW ME WHAT LOVE IS NOW IM ACTING LIKE I KNOW MYSELFFFFF”

- the bass line <3

- the pew pew noises are my favourite things

- SAX SOLO

- WE NEED MORE SAX SOLOS

- THE MUSIC DIDNT DIE EITH KURT COBAIN, BUT RATHER WHEN PEOPLE STOPPED UTILISING SAXOPHONE SOLOS!!!

LOOKING FOR SOMEONE (TO LOVE)

- GUITAR!

- absolute banger already?!

- “a supreme gentleman with a gun in his hand looking for somebody to love”

- “I WANNA SHOW HIM HES A BITCH” YEAH! FUCK! HIM! UP!!!!!!!!

- “I wanna fuck him up so good” YES MATT! FOLLOW MY EXPERT ADVICE!

- according to spotify it’s about school shootings????

- pumped up kicks pt 2 i guess

- “i was all bang bang bang bang” oh see that makes the shooting part make sense

- “but the boy with the plan and the gun in his hand was looking for somebody to love” i reallyyyy like this lyric

- the writing on this album is so good wow

PART IF THE BAND

- the strings wow

- reminds me of coldplay

- “i always used to bust into my hand” hmmmm 🤨

- “you gotta talk about the people baby” god i love the delivery of this line

- OH THERES A FLUTE SECTION

- I LOVE FLUTE SECTIONS!

- “i fell in love with a boy who was kinda lame” girl same

- chorus sounds like something the Oh Hellos would write

- harmonies <3

- oh there’s a

- a

- what is it called

- xylophone!!!

- “communista keisters” cute… what does that mean

- “i like my men like i like my coffee; full of soy milk and so sweet it won’t offend anybody” having a little giggle

- the outro is so pretty with all the layering strings

OH CAROLINE

- sounds spicy

- “i’ve been suicidal” oh. never mind.

- “if i’m undecided, you decide for me” hmm that doesn’t sound much like a healthy relationship

- “you always on my mind, oh oh caroline” SWEET CAROLINE BA BA BAAAA

- “getting suicidal? it’s honestly not for me” yeah it’s not for many people either bud

- they’re really doing a great job with their outros wow wow wow

IM IN LOVE WITH YOU

- sounds so good from just that guitar tone alone 😫

- love that hann told him to write a more sweet love song cuz they’d made too many dick jokes in their songs 😭

- “laying down a list of the going wrongs” me with my pro-con lists

- whatever acoustic guitar they use for their albums needs to be in my house IMMEDIATELY

- THE RASP ON “in love WITH you!”

- THE BRIDGE HOLY SHIT

- i love the bridge!!!

- “DONT FUCK IT, YOU MUPPIT” BAHAHAHAHAHA

- “Been counting my blessings and thinking this through”

- this is my favourite song so far

- their outros man 😫

ALL I NEED TO HEAR

- party time is over now i think

- sad piano ballad?

- yes party time is definitely over

- that guitar tone holy mary mother of christ

- “i get out my records when you go away” so he’s a swifty?

- “people are talking, i miss what they say” oh that’s GOOD

- i don’t have many thoughts for this one??

WINTERING

- i love the talking at the beginning of the song

- OH THE ALBUM IS HAPPY AGAIN

- sounds folk-y

- i love folk

- “johns obsessed with fat ass and he’s ten years old” what on EARTH is john up to?

- “grade eight but she’s got no soul” i not a year eight but twinsss!

- the writing in this song specifically is so beautiful

- like it feels really nostalgic

- “olivia’s been a vegan since ten” oh me too (not really)

- “I SAID WOMAN, YOU ARE 64 YEARS OLD!!” HAHA

- “i came for my stuff not to argue bout nothing” inchresting

- i want to be home on the 23rd too

- i’m actually so homesick right now and this bloody song has just reminded me

HUMAN TOO

- talking at the beginning!

-good grief we’re back to being sad

- the piano tone wow wow wow

- this better not be a mental health song cuz they always suck

- “so tell me you’re a human” i think i am but i’ll go confirm next door

- “quite like seeing myself on the news” matt you attention whore

- not the biggest fan of this one but it’s still pretty

ABOUT YOU

- THE INTRO!!!

- IT SOUNDS LIKE THE END OF A COMING OF AGE FILM

- GOD I LOVE THIS ONE

- “i know a place, it’s somewhere i go when i need to remember your face” prettyyy

- reminds me of heroes (the version by peter gabriel, not david bowie)

- “it’s not my fault that i’ve fucked everybody here” mate it is??? also you SLAG

- A WOMAN?!

- her voice is stunning wow

- WHO

- IS

- SHE

- (update: she’s hann’s girlfriend awww)

- “i miss you on the train and i miss you in the morning” god that feeling of longing for and missing someone hurts so much why would they remind me

- mirrorball by blondie would go well with this in like a mashup

- SAX SOLO ROUND TWO!!!

- god i love this song

- it’s in a major key but it’s so gothic sounding which i adore

WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER

- i didn’t realise there was another song

- what a pleasant surprise :0

- the guitar is so nice

- “central park is sea world for trees” what does that even mean

- i can’t tell he’s english when he sings and it makes me sad

- like i thought they were american when i first heard their stuff, and didn’t know they weren’t until i googled them and watched an interview

- “you ask about the cows wearing my sweater” okay how high was matt when he wrote this line?

- VIOLIN SOLO WHAT THE SHIT

- “i’m a racist and you’re some kind of slag” ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE

- “i thought that we were fighting but turns out i was just gaslighting you” OH THATS GOLD

[bbystark]

Anxious Baker

Gordon Ramsay x reader 

Request: “Hi ! Gordon Ramsay x reader please ? This is a weird ask but like reader having an anxiety attack or something and them passing out in his arms idk idk you can ignore this if u want - 🤍”

Warnings: Talk of mental health, anxiety, panic attacks 

A/N: This is so terribly late and I apologize. I’ve finally figured out how to balance work and college so now I’m back on track for having free time to write. Also, I love the fact that someone requested Gordon Ramsey. I literally will dump anything on my blog, hopefully this is proof. (is this the first Gordon Ramsay fic on tumblr?) 

Word Count: 1695

Requests | Feedback 

You hum quietly, stirring the strawberries that were slowly reducing in a pot. You dipped your finger in, bringing it to your lips. You exclaim to yourself in delight, surprised that you were pulling off the recipe you had chosen. You turned the pot off, spinning around to pour the syrupy strawberries over the now-chilled pound cake. 

You set the pot down, leaning on the counter to take a small break. You smiled to yourself and took a deep breath. Everything was going good. 

Nothing is wrong, you remind yourself as thoughts in the back of your head nag at you. 

You had struggled with anxiety for a while, and had become accustomed to random racing thoughts and heart acceleration. You were proud that you were working through it, even if you had a bad day once and a while. 

As far as you could tell, today was a decent day. Baking was a safe escape for you, and you weren’t too bad at it. At some points it could be stressful, but being able to get rid of worries and focus on what was in front of you was therapy, in your mind. 

You’re pulled from your thoughts by the doorbell ringing, causing a smile to spread across your face. You wipe your hands on a dish towel nearby and jog to your front door. When you make it there, you throw it open. 

Gordon. 

“Hello, Darling.” He steps in the door, hanging his jacket up on the rack and toeing his shoes off to the side. He sets the other things he was holding down and reaches towards you. 

You step into his arms, your head briefly resting on his chest. 

“Gordon! It’s been so long.” 

He releases you, gently grasping your shoulders to hold you at arm's length. 

“You look good,” he pauses, “And what’s that delightful smell? You’ve been baking again haven’t you?” He smiles down at you. 

You smile bashfully. “I have. It’s strawberry shortcake this time. Nothing earth shattering.” 

“Well I’m no pastry chef but if you made it I know it will be amazing love.” 

You blush a little, realizing he’s still holding onto you. You roll our eyes, trying not to seem flustered and reach for the bags he had previously set down. 

“What’d you bring me, old friend?” 

“Old you say?” He follows you into the kitchen. 

You set the bag down on the island, glancing up at Gordon as he nudges you aside and starts taking containers out of his bag. 

“Skillet Cod with lemon and capers. It’s from the Tahoe location I’ve recently opened.” He moves around you with confidence, finding the cupboard you keep your plates in and pulling two out. 

You grab forks, making your way to the table and setting two spots. Gordon joins you, placing plates down and plating the food from the “to go” boxes. It’s still warm, and somehow he manages to make it look like it just came out of the pass. 

“This looks great Gordon. How’s the restaurant faring?” 

He sits beside you, passing you a napkin. The whole thing seems too domestic and you almost hate how much you love the idea of life being like this every day. 

“Just fine darling, my head chef is fully capable but it doesn’t stop me from making frequent trips up here,” He looks up from his food and gives you a sly smile, “Tahoe is truly a world treasure.” 

You laugh. You have lived in California your entire life and oftentimes forget how lucky you are to have Lake Tahoe at your fingertips. 

“I certainly don’t mind all the company I’ve been getting. Speaking of, when are you going to take me to your crowning achievement, hm?” 

He laughs.

“Very soon, I promise.” 

-

Conversation continues easily between you two, simply catching up. Occasionally one of you would look a little too long at the other, but fleeting glances would scare your gazes away. At some point, wine was brought to the table and you had a few drinks in (you swear it was only a few) and your head was swimming in a very pleasant way. 

That was, until a smoke detector went off. Your heart rate accelerated almost immediately, eyes widening. Did you leave the stove on? Was it something else? Oh god, was your house about to burn down? 

A million thoughts race through your mind and suddenly your throat seems very dry and tight. 

You bolt up from your seat, rounding the corner. The stove was fine, and there were no flames anywhere else. The cake was still safe on the counter. Suddenly you realized there was smoke in the air and it was coming from the oven. 

You had left it on after you took the cake out. You opened it after clicking the cancel button, a mass of smoke billowing out.

“Y/n? Isn't everything alright?” 

You almost don’t hear him, too busy looking for what exactly was burning so badly. When the smoke clears a little bit, you see the now black batter at the bottom of the oven, realizing how stupid you currently felt. You had spilled some earlier when putting the cake in the oven, and had tried to remember to clean it up once the oven had cooled. 

You now didn’t feel fear, just overwhelming embarrassment. Gordon had just witnessed you totally freak out over virtually nothing. Your throat felt tight and your eyes began to sting. You quickly shut the oven, bracing yourself against it. It was only getting harder to breathe, and it wasn’t helping that you were trying to stifle your emotions.

“Y/n darling-” 

You’re braced against the oven, chest heaving. You can’t really lie to yourself any longer and say you aren’t panicking, because you are and suddenly every coping mechanism your therapist taught you is thrown out the window and god you don’t want anyone- much less Gordon- to see you like this. 

Your anxieties are only piling on and you suddenly have tunnel vision, slumping even more onto the oven. You faintly feel Gordon’s hands underneath your arms, probably holding you up at this point. Your vision is swimming and you feel sick. 

For a moment or so there’s nothing, and slowly you begin to feel better as your vision returns. You only feel so, so tired as you realize you had just passed out. 

“There you go love, take it easy.” 

You blink a few times, looking at your surroundings. You're on your kitchen floor, in Gordon’s lap. He’s stroking your hair, his brows furrowed. 

“You look like you do when you get pissed on Hell’s Kitchen.” You let your head fall back onto his lap. 

“Jesus fucking christ you scared me. What was that?” 

“Just a panic attack, I think.” 

“I thought they were getting better, that you were making progress?” 

He looked genuinley worried and you realized how dumb your brain was for being overly anxious about having a panic attack in front of him. Which was ironic, seeing how more panic only made a bigger panic attack. 

“I was. Sometimes they’re still bad, never like that though.” 

“Are you sure you’re okay, should we go to the hospital?” 

You try to sit up, only for Gordon to put a hand on your shoulder. You half smile allowing yourself to lay your head back down. 

“Really Gordon, I feel better. It’s nothing but my brain overreacting a bit. I promise.”

He’s stroking your head again, and you can see he doesn’t believe you. You don’t blame him, he hadn’t experienced mental health issues in the same personal way you experienced them. This was something you had to deal with everyday, and he didn’t. You understood how concerning this probably seemed to him. 

“I think I should stay tonight, just to make sure you’re okay.” 

He helps you up, slowly, and being ever so careful with you. He leads you to your room, barely allowing you to change into pajamas. It was endearing how worried he was for you, but there was still a slight concern that you were being a burden. 

“Are you alright?” He peaks around the door when you give him the okay, and you see that he’s shed his jacket and is now in sweatpants. 

“Yes,” you sit on your bed, trying to hold in a yawn. “Are you sure you can stay tonight?”

“I would have been heading back to my hotel anyway. I don’t leave until Saturday.” He sits next to you on the bed, looking as if he’s gonna fret over you again. 

“You can sleep in here, if you would like. My couch isn’t the most comfortable…” 

“You didn’t think I was leaving you alone after that, did you?” He rolls over you, jokingly grabbing a pillow and bumping you with it. “This is my bed now too until I know you’re absolutely okay.” 

You flush, and roll your eyes once again.  “If you insist.” 

Your heart is racing again and you almost laugh. This is a different kind of anxiety, the kind that makes your heart swell with love and the butterflies in your stomach to flutter around gently. It was exciting.

You turn and turn off your bedside light, crawling under the covers. You feel Gordon do the same, situating himself. You’re about to whisper goodnight when he pulls you into him, your head resting on his chest. He gives you a kiss on the forehead, squeezing your shoulder in a comforting way. 

“Goodnight my love.” 

“Goodnight Gordon.”

You suddenly feel content. No anxiety in the back of your mind, only bliss and safeness. There’s an unspoken promise that Gordon wishes he could voice, the solid promise of love that neither of you were quite ready to explore yet. But all of that didn’t matter at the moment. The only thing that he could feel was your steady heartbeat and rise and fall of your chest. 

He unspokenly loved you, and that was enough for now. 

“You know, we never got cake.” 

“Cuddling you is dessert enough for me,”  a pause, “Actually I will be stealing a slice tomorrow.

- 

Thank you for reading! 

Feedback | Requests 

[bagog]

What On Earth Has Happened

Hey, no story here, no experiments. Just a play by play of an awful year in my life. Please don't reblog. Trying to just get it down in one place for people who care about me. Long, sob-story beneath the cut.

Air - 'Things are looking up!' I had started to drift a bit from tumblr. The porno purge came and a lot of my friends trickled off the platform after that. I went back to school, attempting to score myself a Masters degree in something that would pay enough to get me out of Student Debt. I was doing great, picking things up fast. I got a new job at a company doing pretty menial work, but the people I worked with were great conversationalists. The work didn't involve dealing with customers at all, paid well, and was small and accomplishable tasks. Essentially I was being prepped to take a better position at the place once I had my Masters. Covid happened, then. Earth - 'The Whole World Sucks Right Now' My company was "essential," so I continued going to work, now on weird schedules. The company I worked for was profiting off Covid, all the while making fun of it as an overblown conspiracy, even as their own epidemiologist urged them to take better precautions. Work became hard to swallow. Water - 'When your lowest place could be lower' The apartment I shared with my boyfriend flooded. The lowest place in any sewage system is typically the bathtub, such that if it backs up, it does so into that tub. Our lowest point is the toilet. So the apartment flooded. Three times. Roots growing through the sewage outflow meant that, often, you needed to wait a solid hour between toilet flushes, or else the toilet would back up with such gusto the sewage would slosh down the hallway and into the living room. We mopped many times. The problem was finally fixed 8 months later, necessitating our having to camp because our house had no water. Fire - 'To destroy all you've done' One afternoon, I smelled burning. Going to our bedroom, I found our shelf a column of flame. I could barely breathe for all the smoke, but I managed to grab a blanket and beat the fire out. On the other side of the room, the pages of the books upon another shelf had begun to crisp from the heat, the blinds on all the windows were warped. The whole apartment had been about to go up. I'm kinda scared of fire now. Heart - 'When moving is too much to ask' Personal health sorta hit a new low. Migraines kept me out of work for two full weeks. I have seasonal foot pain, I always assumed from hiking for a living in my 20s. Turns out it was gout, all the while. Gout is exceptionally painful: it's like a messy pile of razor blades in the ball of your foot every time you step down. At work, I could barely stand. Walking from my car to the door became something I needed to psyche myself up for. Not a lot can stop a gout flare-up once it's in full swing, so I just had to wait it out. For a month. Two. Some of the worst sustained pain I've been in. Little did I know that, in January, come the kidney stones. Kidney stones feel awful. Feel like total shit. Gout and kidney stones are comorbid--brought about as a result of the meds I take to help me focus. So any day I don't drink enough water is a day when my kidneys or my foot just starts aching. But going back to September of 2020... Homophobia - 'goddammit' Finally things are looking better. I'm limping quickly again. Then I am called into the HR office. I am told that two sexual harassment charges have been brought against me. I'm told that one individual has alleged that I, while in the restroom, used a reflective toilet brush to attempt to peep him under a stall wall. I did not do this. I do not understand--reflective toilet brush?? wtf. The second allegation: I just straight up looked over a stall at a guy. I didn't do this either. I'm asked to defend myself, I ask who or date or time of day. I am given nothing. I remark that I don't think I'm tall enough to see over the stall, and I do not understand about the toilet brush. Of the ten minutes of the meeting, I spend 8 of them trying to get my head around how a claim about a reflective toilet brush has me here. "Would you like us to go now to see if you're tall enough to see over the stall? If that would help your defense?" says the HR head. "Yes, I

would," says I. We did not go. I am told that the accusers have no reason to be collaborating, or to even know each other made a claim. This is bullshit, because it was a company of 80 people, and only a quarter of those employees used the restroom where my alleged harassment was to have taken place. Before I am dismissed from work for the day to go home and wait to find out if I'll be fired or not, I march into the HR office once more and say "I hope none of this is happening because I'm gay." The HR head looks positively offended. I got fired cuz I'm gay. Next day I got a call. They'd come to the "objective truth" (that phrase is burned in my mind), and were terminating me. Apparently they discounted the toilet brush rumor, after all. But they really honestly believed I looked over the stall at a dude. Nightmare - 'No Fear One Fear' Let me tell you something: this is a nightmare. This is my honest-to-god nightmare. I've been terrified of getting accused of something in a bathroom since I was 11 years old. I am incredibly self-conscious and careful in public restrooms. To be fired? From a place full of people I like? And all of them will think I'm a pervert. My boyfriend worked at the same place. He would now have to work there every day dealing with people looking at him and wondering what he must think of his boyfriend. That sent me on a spiral. I'm still out of work, almost a year later. It would have been the worst mental health crisis of my life if it wasn't for my boyfriend, my support network, and the meds I've finally been able to get ahold of. Oh, also. My two accusers? Were roommates. HR knew they were roommates. They basically collaborated on a story to get me fired. The story circulating around the place (I still have acquaintances I talk to working there) has dropped the reflective toilet brush entirely. I guess they thought it was too unbelievable. So anyway, the people who accused me are now telling a different set of events than what I was told. Absolute horse shit. Tried to go to my city's human right's council to see if my situation warranted further attention. I gave my side of the story--including tales of the straight manager who had had enough harassment charges brought against him that he was no longer allowed to meet female staff--which indicated I'd been treated differently and wrongly. My old job made an impassioned argument that the committee violated their First Amendment rights(?) ('Freedom of speech' is the biggie with the First Amendment, for people who cba re:USA). I won the vote!! But one member of the committee was missing. So there weren't enough people for the vote to pass. Dismissed. We took it to the EEOC to make an official federal complaint. Just a week ago, an agent of the US Government patiently explained to us that these laws are literally designed to fuck over the worker and protect the employer unless they are epically stupid, and unfortunately, mine had not been epically stupid. So there's nowhere to go, no recourse to be had. It's over, I guess. Family - 'How to sum it up quickly...' My family hit me with the old soft-disown. No more calls, no more communication. They think they are loving me by not having contact with me. By depriving me of my family, they hope it will make me realize that the path I'm on is destructive, and I'll return to them living an upright life. No. I'm living an upright life, now. And if my family can choose to throw me away, then they are not a family I choose. Then my dad hit me back two months later, absolutely gaslighting me and pretending we never had the disown conversation at all. Reality - 'I don't know who I am anymore' I have trouble knowing what's real, anymore. Every message my dad sends on the surface seems loving and supportive and plaintive. I feel I must be the one in the wrong. I got fired for bullshit reasons. It doesn't feel real. "My family can't possibly have ceased contact with me: that's one of those things I know can never happen!!" But that did happen. So what else that feels real, actually isn't? I do

mean to be so dramatic, and I won't apologize for it. But I truly do feel like my mind has been pretty thoroughly unseated by the last year. Whoever I am, I'm becoming someone different. More distilled, at very least. I've discovered a lot of things about myself: trauma that has likely led to a lot of my mental health problems. Discovered I actually have RAGING ADHD, and it has robber me of a lot of things I wanted to do, and now is sort of consuming me completely. I'm looking for help. Trying to get better. Here's hoping. Every bold point above could be its own book, for all my thoughts about them. But enough of that for now. Love you. Thanks for reading.

[heckpup]

Hmmmmmm Time for the Part 2 of the Immortal Tommy AU I cooked up with my raw materials in the middle of the night

:DDDDDDDDD What fun. I have also now decided that Tommy's new wings are now phoenix style (cause he's immortal now, innit?), in flames, but only at the tips (so far, this will change the older he gets) and only if he wants them to be. Had he still been mortal, they probably would've been just a regular red, and so that is what they look like when they're not on fire.

Also, I'd like to imagine that the old worlds from when we were kids (with borders and that didn't go on forever and just stopped and dropped off into the void, right? I know me and my friends loved to find the corners and try to go through. Good times.) are what the god's personal realms are like. Not enough room for rebellion, since there's not enough room to run from an angry god/goddess. If you go to the edge, you can look at/travel to other worlds as well. Most gods don't bring other people into their worlds anyway, but *shrugs*

Edit: (I can't believe I forgot this I'm so sorry ;-;) TW:Mentions of bl00d, Mention of de@th, mentions of m@n!pulat!0n and g@sl!ght!ng, mentions of t0rture.

Just thought I should mention + explain.

~

"Hey Clara?" Tommy asks from a small tree, letting his feathers move gently in the wind.

"Yes, Tommy?" Clara calls from below, looking up at the young immortal. Tommy glides down to meet her on the ground, and he looks up at her a little sheepishly.

"Do you think that since, well, you know, I'm recovered and shit, I could visit those bitches from the SMP? I kinda just want to, uh, blow up at them, sorta. I just- its a lot of untapped rage and I really just wanna scream at 'em, you know? It's totally ok if you think I shouldn't I mean, you are the biggest man- er, woman- here, just wanted to ask, but uh-"

"Tommy." Clara cuts him off with a small smile, and a bit of mischief and malice (And anger, as well) twinkling in her dark eyes. "I think that's a wonderful idea. Besides," She begins to walk over to the edge of their small world, "they need to understand what they did, and its never good for us immortals to hold grudges over mortals. Could cause some unplanned problems in the far future."

Tommy beams, and Clara begins mentally preparing for the showdown with glee. "Tommy, how do you want to do it?" She asks, inner drama queen squealing.

"Well-" Tommy tells her- "-I really want it to be big and dramtic, you know? Like lightning and thunder, and like things bursting into flame and shit. I could probably do the flames myself, but do you think-" He looks up at her expectantly.

"Of course!" She says, patting his shoulder. "A storm fit for a god. It would be only fitting, of course. I am going to come along, of course. Just in case there are any unexpected developments, like more dramatic effect."

Tommy nods. "Yeah! Those bitches aren't gonna know what hit them! But, do you think you could stay invisible 'n shit for it? I still wanna do this by myself. I don't-" He cuts himself off, feathers ruffling. "I wanna yell and bitch about it, and I want to do this on my own. Like an important milestone on my recovery." Clara nods in agreement.

"Right, right. For the lightning though, is there any houses you want to keep out of harms way? I plan on hitting a lot of houses, just to get people up and moving."

Tommy thinks for a minute. "Uh, maybe hit close to Ranboo's house- he's the black and white hybrid, he's always been pretty nice to me- and Sam and Puffy and BadBoyHalo. Sam put Dream in prison a while ago, and Puffy and BBH gave me some gifts the night before you picked me up. So, they're clear from property damage, but I still want to see them. Defintely break Dream out, I want to yell at him though. Wait, maybe I can break him out, like teleport him away from the prison and show off my new powers and shit- anyway, maybe save Niki as well, she was always nice."

Clara nods and begins to locate the small world that she pulled Tommy from so many years ago. "Goodness!" She laughs. "It's been a while since you looked down at this one, isn't it?"

"Yeah, haven't had much time to think shit about those old bitches." Tommy begins to search with her, quickly locating the small SMP, being recently cleared of the red bloodvines that had plagued it for a while.

While they plan, they laugh, and Clara is reminded of how far the young godling had been when she whisked him away. His old SMP hadn't deserved him, not even for a second.

~

Tommy and Clara were watching from the clouds as the little people in the SMP ran around panicked about the storm that was destroying a lot of their houses. Tommy watched with glee and satisfaction as the majority of the SMP (save for Dream, of course) gathered in the newly rebuilt community house to discuss the looming problem.

"Dream has to be behind this, Sam!" Fundy growled out. "He's the only one that has this kind of power!"

"You ready?" Clara asked Tommy, after waiting for him to be perfectly positioned under one of the next lightning bolts, aimed at one of the doorways to the community house. Tommy nodded and lit the tips of his wings, prepared for the force of the bolt to push him back down to the earth.

The lightning hit, and Tommy found himself being thrown down and pushed to the ground.

The first thing he noticed was that the bolt left little sparks over his body and his wings were a little more lit up than usual.

The second thing he noticed was that everyone in the community house was looking at him.

He stood up and, with a great amount of false confidence, strode into the room. Tubbo was staring slack-jawed, as were most people in the building. Phil's face was incredibly pale, to the point that Tommy actually began to worry about the man's health. Ranboo looked at him wide-eyed, but then Tommy saw recognition flash and a smile began to creep onto his face.

But the person that Tommy had his eyes on the most was the no-longer transparent form of his elder brother, well and alive again.

"What's up, bitches?" Tommy grinned, and suddenly the room was alive with shouts and yelling and holy Prime, Tommy probably should have prepared more for this reaction but he hadn't even known Wilbur was alive but oh, Phil's yelling about how Tommy left him and-

"Tommy, how could you? You've been off to who knows where? Where the fuck have you been? How could you leave us?" Phil's void-black wings ruffled, and Tommy didn't even think before responding,

"I've been off healing, bitch! You know, from all the trauma you adults forced on me? And the gaslighting from Dream? The manipulation? It took me years to get over that shit, and the god's world-time runs slow! I spent a whole fucking year trying to understand that what you bitches put me through was fucking wrong, and I was not alright! I left you all here because you left me when I was at my fucking WORST! YOU LET A SIXTEEN YEAR-OLD FIGHT IN FUCKING WARS AND GET EXILED! YOU EXPECTED ME TO TAKE THAT SHIT LIKE A FUCKING ADULT? FUCK NO!" Tommy's wings flared out and he could feel the heat radiating off of it, his flames responding to his anger.

"Thomas Minecraft-Innit, I am your father, how dare you-"

"Oh, you're my father now? Now, after you abandoned me, neglected me, left me in the dust? You cared more about your fucking war buddy than your own two sons! Wilbur was more of a father than you were, and then you fucking killed him!"

"Tommy-" Tubbo tried to interject.

"AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOU TUBBO! DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID? YOU LEFT ME AS WELL, YOU LEFT ME WITH FUCKING DREAM! YOU EXILED ME, AND FOR FUCKING WHAT? A SAD POSITION IN A COUNTRY THAT YOU LET DREAM PUPPETEER ANYWAY! WE FOUGHT THAT WAR TO GET AWAY FROM DREAM, AND THEN YOU FUCKING LET HIM RIGHT BACK IN!" Tommy raged, turing on his ex-best friend. "Oh, speaking of-" He snapped his fingers and then Dream was in the room with them, wearing an orange jumpsuit and looking around wildly.

The room let out a great outburst, which, to be fair, was expected.

But then Dream took one look at Tommy and decided that it was a-fucking-okay to try and re-manipulate Tommy again. As if he didn't notice that Tommy was much older, much more healed and much more powerful than before. (Or that could just be him. Clara did tell him that gods- and even godlings- could change their age and appearance, and sometimes it was involuntary and depended on emotions and metal stability. Tommy did actually feel much younger. Maybe it was from being in this place, this world, and being in front of the person that hurt him most. That would make sense.)

"Tommy!" Dream cried with unusual glee. "You're here to help me, aren't you? You finally came to your senses about your best friend, right?" Tommy only raised an eyebrow in response, not giving him an answer. "What, not going to give an answer to your only friend? Tommy, I stayed with you, I kept you company when no one else did, remember?" Prime, how long did Dream think he had been in that prison for?

Tommy only shrugged and then pulled out a sword and dashed up to Dream, keeping the blade on Dream's throat. "You mother fucker. You are the biggest bitch boy I've ever, and I mean ever, had the pleasure of knowing, bitch boy. You are the absolute worst thing to ever happen to me, you know that? You killed me twice, and for what? Gratification of knowing you killed a teenager? And then you tried to gaslight me, manipulate me into doing your sick shit for you? That's the most fucked up thing I've ever known, Dream. I'm going to enjoy taking this life from you." And then he swung, embedding the blade into the wall behind where Dream's body had once been.

TommyInnit killed Dream with [A Final Blow]

Dream made the achievement [Banned?]

"Tommy what-" Tommy turned to look at Technoblade, who was looking blankly at his chatlog.

"Oh, don't worry too much about him. He'll just be stuck for a few days in the ban-void, and then he'll come back on his own." A great number of people paled, knowing the ban void, when you were still on a world, meant that you were subjected to great amounts of agony as your body tore itself apart and tried to pull its code back together. And Tommy had just taken one of Dream's lives, too!

"Tommy, what happened to you?" Phil asked, horrified.

"I grew up," Tommy said with a smile. "And now I have the rest of time to spend continuing to grow and live. Becuase now, Tommy Innit never dies."

Techno rushed at him suddenly, axe swinging. It caught the edge of Tomm'y neck, and Tommy took the chance to grab Techno by the scruff on his, and lift him up, also while feeling his body grow older. Several gasps were heard around the room at the sudden change. "What were you trying to do there, Technoblade? You can't kill a god." And then he let Techno drop to the ground, before touching the part of his neck Techno had sliced.

His hand drew away with golden ichor.

[hopeless-starry-kingdom]

You are the Cause of my Euphoria │Draco  Malfoy

Draco Malfoy x Reader

Summary:Draco is the cause of your Euphoria but to get to your euphoria there is heartbreak

tw:toxic relationship,cursing,and mentions of sexual acts

!!!!!!I AM NOT ROMANTICIZING TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS.I AM TAKING A SCENE FROM EUPHORIA AND TURNING IT INTO MY OWN LITTE REMAKE.PLEASE DONT THINK THAT I AM ROMANTICIZING THIS FORM OF RELATIONSHIP!!!!!!!!

“First of all, ew. Second of all, ew.”You said as you watched Draco grope Pansy Parkinson from her ass as they danced. He was taunting you. Playing his little game he always did when you two get into a fight. Letting Pansy hang all over him but this time it was more extreme. The Yule Ball lights danced off you and the platinum blond as you stared each other down. It seemed you were the only two in the room full of wizards and witches.

The argument in question took place a week ago when Draco seen Cedric Diggory walking you to Potions. Cedric was a good friend and also sat next to you in class. He was asking for help on one of the recent assignments and since you were so good at Potions, you of course helped him. Draco had always been the jealous type. He didn’t like the stares you got from boys in all houses when you walked down the halls together. He’d pull you extra close. He didn’t like that some of them were bold enough to float a note or two asking you out or telling you how pretty you looked that day.

So when Ron, knowing Draco’s jealous tendencies and wanted to piss him off, called out to you. He told you how gorgeous you looked in a skirt. This sent Draco into a rage and turned the poor red head into a Weasel. You yelled at Draco and told him to turn him back and that it wasn’t necessary.

But you also had a small green monster in you. You didn’t mind when Draco got attention from the other girls. It only irked you when Pansy couldn’t keep her slimy hands off him and wouldn’t stop praising the ground he walked on. So you set her robes on fire when you and Draco had gotten into another one of your “splittings”. That’s what everyone at school called it. The splitting happened after every argument and one of you would end up walking away and saying how done you were with the others antics and it was over.

Sometimes the fights were over small things. Like the way Draco would kiss you hungrily when he knew people were looking. And sometimes big things, like the way Draco’s father would treat him and your guys’ relationship.

But that was the thing about your relationship, you loved each other to the ends of the earth, you would say. In an argument with you mother to defend him when you brought him over for Christmas, you told her that you’d kill for him and he’d do the same for you. And it was true.

There was no one else that you could picture the rest of your life with. It will always be Draco. Sure your friends and others would say its a bit toxic, with all the arguments and plotting against each other. Maybe it was just the Slytherin in both of you. But after your screaming match about what happened last week with Cedric, you knew he was in the wrong for getting wrongfully jealous and the way he was dancing with Parkinson, all you saw was red.

You glared are the couple as Pansy danced with him and he sent you a sly look.

“Y/N..” You friend warned at the table your group sat at. None of you had dates. Sure people asked you once they heard about yours and Draco’s splitting (because no one dared to ask you while you were actually with him. They were all scared). But you didn’t want to go around prancing with a new guy like you usually did. You actually wanted to solve the problem this time. But Draco had another idea.

Draco smirked at you as your death glare continued.

“Y/N, don’t.” Another friend warned as you got the same look of revenge on your face. What set you off was the way Draco had turned her and began to run his hands along her stomach “Y/N, don’t do—”

“Fuck this.” You snapped before Hermione could finish and stood up, looking to find someone to dance with. You seen Blaise sitting with his friends and approached.

“Do you know how to dance?” You asked and Blaise looked at you ,surprised. Him and Draco were friends and you knew that it would piss him off, royally. When he stared behind you, you knew he was looking at Draco. You huffed when you knew he was going to deny your request so you left to find Cedric.

Which wasn’t hard becuase he was always surrounded by people. You grabbed his hand and said “Let’s dance.” Thats all that it took for him as his friends gave him wolf whistles as you dragged him deeper into the dance floor and past Draco. He had stopped his dancing as he stared at Cedric gripping your hips and swaying with you. You turned and started to rub your back onto his front while rubbing your hands down your dress clad body. Draco glared at you and you only tilted your lips up before taking your hands and rubbing them up Cedric’s side of his head.

“I guarantee you Y/N and Draco are going to get married.” Hermione said as she sat down at the table and watched the scene unfold “They’ll probably divorce like three times and in some strange way live a pretty happy life.” Your friend added.

“Yeah.” Harry agreed, then Ron, and then everyone at your table was nodding their head.

Back on the dance floor, the music was becoming more upbeat and you upped your antics. Your moves becoming more sultry and seductive and it had Cedric blushing but had Draco fuming. He tried to match your heated moves but eventually gave up once he seen Cedric whisper something in your ear and you smirked. He dropped his hands from Pansy and marched outside for a breather. You saw that he was now gone and Pansy was left confused, alone, and quite embarrassed in the middle of the dance floor.

You rolled your eyes and turned to Cedric, “Nice moves. I’m going to go sit down now.” You gave him a smile but before you could leave he caught your arm.

“Do I have a chance with you? Or is it always going to be Malfoy?” You sighed as a lump formed in your throat. You truly didn’t want to lead Cedric on, he was a good guy with a kind soul. But he was right, it was always going to be Draco.

“I never wanted to mislead you,Ced. Honestly. It’s just me and Dray—”

“It’s complicated and you have history. It’s fine. I understand. My advice?Stop trying to one up one another. It’s not healthy and frankly not good for either of your mental health.” You laughed because of course Cedric would be giving you life advice in the middle of a school dance.

“Thank you,Ced. I’ll try.” You smiled at him before walking back to your table.

“Well that was quite a show. Is it my turn?” Everyone glared at Ron and Hermione punched him in the shoulder “Ow!”

“Whatever. I just want to go back to our dorms. Tonight was absolute shit.” Everyone sighed and agreed but then Harry spoke,

“Uh, Malfoy’s heading this way.” Everyone but you straightened out as he approached.

“What do you—”

“Shove it,Weasel.” Draco cut Ron off and you glared at him. Draco always found it a mystery how you managed to become friends with the Golden Trio, considering they were from a different house and different status. You had taught him that though they may be different from him and you, they weren’t different at all. Houses shouldn’t matter, the blood that ran through their veins shouldn’t matter. It did take him awhile to realize where you were coming from and what you meant but you were right, and he realized his mistakes and apologized to them. But that didn’t mean they still didn’t irk him to a certain extent.

“Y/N get up.” He demanded and you rolled your eyes with a scoff “No.” You didn’t like how he spoke to you sometimes either. Like his father to his mother.

“Just get up.”

“Why?”

“Can you stop being so bloody difficult and come dance with me?” He hissed and everyone looked around the table at eachother.

“Why would I dance with you?”

“Becuase it’s a fucking slow song.Come on get up.”

“Piss off, Malfoy.She doesn’t want to go with you. End of story.” Harry stood and tried to defend you and you smiled at him but looked back at Draco.

“You’re despicable. But fine i’ll dance with you.” You gave in and stood. Grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the other teens who were slow dancing.

He wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close to him. Your hands snaked around his waist as well and you layed your head on his chest as the song played.

“Sometimes I hate you.” You whispered

“I know.” He replied

“You’re cruel, psychotic, and a jealous freak. And sometimes I don’t like the way you make me feel.” You admitted and your voice cracked as tears began to well in your eyes and cause your throat to tighten. The same thing happened with Draco.

He was trying to get better at this. He didn’t want you to fell like there was no love in the relationship. He did love you. You were the light of his life. You were his patronus. He didn’t mean to get overly jealous or possessive but he just wanted you to himself and he couldn’t bare the thought of someone else being with you the way he is. It physically hurt to watch you walk away from the numerous breaks you two had. He didn’t want this anymore. He didn’t want to break your heart anymore than he already has. He wanted to give you unconditional love all the time, no more jealous kisses or possessive grabs. He swore to himself that after seeing you with Cedric.

You sniffled, “It’s not good for us.”

“I know.”And just as he was about to apologize and swear to you, one last time you spoke “And I know that I’m not the best girlfriend either and Im sorry but maybe we shouldn’t be together.” You hiccuped and Draco shook his head at the thought of you not being in his life. He gently pulled back and intertwined your hands “I love you.”

“Me too...But I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't want to feel like this anymore. We both deserve better.” You replied and everyone was unaware of the conversation going on, they payed no mine to the couple and the relationship being torn down.

“I don't want anyone else, Y/N. Im sorry, we’ll fix this. We always do, darling.”He cupped the side of your face and rested his forehead against yours. You raised your hands and gripped the back of his platinum locks and brought his lips to yours. You knew that fixing the issue would only lead back to where you stood now. So you pulled back from his lips, him chasing yours as you stared up at him with teary eyes

“I’ll see you around,Dray.” And then you walked away. Away from the boy you loved but also away from constant heartbreak.

[ghostgetter]

That would be Gold Rush

When Keith thinks of Lance, he thinks: loud, eccentric, supercilious. Over the years, he’s had the luxury of learning more about him, like how he’s exceptionally considerate, especially when anyone around him is at their lowest point. Or how passionate he is about the things he loves. Or, even, regardless of his occasional arrogance, Lance was actually pretty good at the things he put his heart to.

Sharpshooter, indeed.

Now, after wars have ended and the peace has claimed everyone’s hearts, there is a certain epiphany Keith has had for his righthand man.

He may potentially, possibly, in some fashion, be in love with him.

It is utterly horrifying.

Keith has fought aliens twice his size, defeated empires, lead the most powerful robot and defended the universe, but this makes his skin crawl.

Whenever Hunk talked about legitimate romance and his love for Shay, Keith never thought twice about what it was like. Love and being with another person never came close to his ideals and imaginations while he was growing up. He needed to be with the stars, to find what was calling him. A lone-wolf that yearned for a family.

Now? Now he yearns for Lance.

Quick brushes of hands, stories of his family, his compassion and support when Keith would feel like collapsing in on himself after a rough assignment with the Blade. His overall being, which has now collected in his own imagination when he lies in bed, or in a tent in a galaxy far from Earth, where Lance is next to him, holding his hand and simply existing.

Keith doesn’t think he’s wanted something more in his life.

Like water rushing his veins, he comes back to Lance snapping his fingers in his face, his own way, way too close as he leans forward on the McClain’s sofa. It almost looks like his Altean marks are sparkling.

“Universe to Keith.”

Keith blinks several times, trying to right himself. He pushes his hand out of the way, “The snapping is unnecessary.”

“It is when you’re in LaLa Land,” Lance says, going back to swigging his beer back. “You weren’t even listening to me about Veronica!”

“Right, sorry,” he apologizes, “Long mission.”

“S’okay, I figured,” Lance is always understanding and empathetic when Keith visits the farm. He has his mother make the best soup Keith has ever had in his life, next to Hunk’s own, and gets a guestroom set for him and Kosmo, who is already napping upstairs. He puts a warm hand on Keith’s shoulder, and of course electricity rushes down his arm, sparking in his fingertips. “We can just watch NASA and make fun of them if you want.”

Keith smiles softly. Shiro’s always been the brother he’s needed growing up, the shoulder to lean on, the support he desperately craved. Lance is his own brand of supportive. Carefree and funny and kind. He’s like gold, rare and sought after by hundreds. “I’m okay. Tell me about Veronica.”

“Well, Veronica became an instructor at the Garrison. Took over for Iverson and stuff, so I think the mental health of the cadet’s is gonna be a bit better.”

“Oh, thank the universe,” Keith says, “I hated that man.”

“I figured, hotshot,” Lance jokes, “Wasn’t hard to miss when you tried punching him one time during class.”

Keith turns, only the slightest bit ashamed, “You were there for that?”

Lance flicks him on the head, Keith recoiling and glaring back, “I was in your class, stupid! Geez, I’m still so annoyed you don’t remember me.”

Keith rolls his eyes. “I’m not apologizing for not remembering some of the worst years of my life.”

“The Garrison wasn’t awful,” Lance sets his arms on the back of the couch, fingers brushing Keith’s shoulder. “I mean, Veronica actually wants me to come…join her?”

Keith lurches forward, gaping. “Really? Lance, that’s amazing!” Because from what Keith knows from visits and friends, Lance hasn’t stepped foot anywhere related to space in over a year. Hasn’t gone to the Garrison at all, according to Shiro. Hasn’t had any interest in going to space again, according to everyone else.

“Yeah, as an instructor,” Lance chuckles. “Can you imagine, me? Instructing?”

Yes, Keith thought, Absolutely. And he’d be amazing at it. Because, sure, Keith gave him a hard time back in the Voltron days on his piloting skills, and for some odd reason, Lance showcased some sort of desire to outshine Keith in flying, but he was good. Keith may have been the best pilot, and flew like he breathed, but Lance flew with passion, with pure heart.

Before Keith can voice Lance’s acclaim, his strengths, Lance sighs and shakes his head. He brings his hands to his knees and squeezes them under his jeans. It’s almost like a cloud washes over the living room, and it’s darker. Sadder.

“I dunno if I’m ready for anything…space-related,” Lance says. “With Allura…I dunno. I’m still…y’know?”

Yeah, Keith knows. It’s been a year and a half since the war ended, and Allura left them, left Lance, behind. He knows Lance still holds a torch for her, who doesn’t? He spends his time telling her stories to aliens and humans alike. He nods stiffly, looking down at his own beer before putting it on the coaster sitting on the long table in front of him.

“Yeah, I know.”

Lance takes a drink from his bottle, “Right.”

Right. Keith holds in a long exhale, swallowing instead and pushing himself off the sofa.

“I gotta go outside for a sec,” he says, his mind wandering and his chest constricting.

“What?” Lance sits up, sniffling. “What’s wrong? Um, do you need me to come with you?”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Keith snaps, and he hates it. He hates that it burns off his tongue and how bitter the taste of it is. He walks towards the foyer and turns to look at Lance remorsefully. Lance looks downtrodden and confused, standing up after Keith, because he’s compassionate like that. Because he cares about him. Keith swallows and turns away, then softly says, “I just need to be alone.”

“Oh,” Lance frowns, “Okay.”

He closes the door behind him, and steps off the porch, crossing his arms and just breathes.

Deep, deep breaths, because he will not cry, he will not scream up to the clouds covering the stars he knows shine behind them. He will not break down in front of the hundreds of pink flowers covering the green in front of him, which still gleam in the dark of night.

He hates this so much.

To be with Lance is to imagine myths and legends. Like the juniberry flowers that cover his front lawn, to be in love with him is to wilt and decay eventually. Because, and Keith will attest to it, Allura will always be in his heart. Even if his feelings were to be reciprocated, if ever, he’d always be second best.

Keith never tolerated being second to anything.

He wipes his glove-covered hands down his face, trying to drag the stress with them. His chest constricts and it hurts. He never asked for this, and he remembers telling Shiro that once he figured out he’d fallen in love with Lance after too many recollections of their time together in Voltron, Lance’s support, the fucking abyss that showed the wisps of his past and future; of a scrawny boy with short brown hair standing up to Keith’s bullies, of a taller boy with looking out to the sea with a ring on his finger, slowly turning towards Keith before blinking out of existence, too scarce to tell who it was but Keith knows now it was Lance. It was always Lance.

“Ugh,” he finally voices, fingers grasping onto his leather jacket. “I’m such a dipshit.”

He knew how Lance felt about Allura. And frankly, Keith knows how Lance feels about him: a guy that runs away from his friends, his feelings. It sweats off his body, out of his pores; it’s not like he hides his traits well.

“Keith?”

Because of course he’d follow after him, even when he asked to be alone. That’s Lance, after all. He turns around as the wind whisps at his longer hair. Under the porch light, Lance’s skin twinkles like gold.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” Keith chokes out. He curses at himself, emotion wrapping around his throat. He sniffs, rubbing at his nose. “Fantastic.”

Lance is silent for a moment, watching him, contemplating. He tilts his head and looks on sadly, before opening the door behind him. “Come back inside. I’ll grab your 80’s movie pack and make some hot chocolate.”

Keith crosses his arms, looking away, because he can’t look at Lance under a spotlight as if he’s some…some celestial being. His hair even falls into his eyes handsomely when he looks at him, waiting, and Keith doesn’t want to fall any farther than he already has. He needs to reverse these feelings, in anything. Slam on the control shift and buck his ship out of here.

But Lance is like the Sun, and Keith succumbs to him like gravity.

After a sigh, he walks back up to the porch, up to Lance, who closes the distance and brings Keith into a tight hug. He wraps his lengthy arms around him and pulls him in close. Keith’s eyes widen, shocked and overwhelmed with the feeling and the scent of Lance, until his nose tickles against Lance’s soft skin and suddenly he’s calm again. He breathes in deep and wraps his own arms around him, turning his face into a steady shoulder.

At least Keith has this.

[volleyball-dontknowher]

hsksjsjss can i get an emergency request? i had a super shitty week and i just kinda wanna get sucked into the earth for a while. can i have some loving kenma fluff, like he's comforting his s/o who's SUPER insecure about how they look and think they're not pretty enough for him? (you can include some nsfw too, 'cause who isn't horny when they're sad?)

Hello lovey!! I am so so so so so sorry to hear you have had a bad week, I hope that things get better for you, and if you need someone to talk to or someone to send you too many pictures of their dog I am here for you any time!! I did include a couple of things I do when I get insecure and I hope that you like it <3 and always know I love you and I think you are so beautiful and absolutely sexy as shit (in a non-harrassing way, I love you) 

Insecure 

Words: 2.1k 

Warnings: Some NSFW and fluff

You knew that Kenma had an internet following, and a passionate one at that, you knew that he had millions of fans who would swoon over his every action and you had to know that because well, he was your boyfriend

What you didn’t know was that other people would make fun of the things that you were already insecure about 

You hated how you looked and couldn’t stand the thought that others did too, you found yourself obsessing about your appearance and trying all of the dumb things to make you feel prettier even though you knew that none of it would work

Most days you could get over it and brush it aside for the sake of your mental health as well as the sake of your relationship, but this week had been so stressful and so shitty that everything had been building on top of each other causing even looking in the mirror to be agony

You had received tons of comments pointing out how your nose wasn’t right for your face and how your smile was so uneven that it made you look like a Disney villain and you couldn't help but take it to heart because that’s what you thought about yourself anyway and these strangers were just telling you facts and helping you feel as though you were useless

You knew that Kenma was going to be working late tonight, it was a launch day and he always tried to get everything done before leaving the office even though he never liked to work later than he had to away from home, but this was good for you, that meant you didn’t have to change or try to look happy about the things that were secretly crushing your insides 

You spent the day laying in bed watching TV and scrolling through your social media’s as you compare yourself to the pretty girls that seemed to appear everywhere without any flaws, you ended up getting yourself more upset than before, as you let the tears run down your face and decided to take a break from your phone and just focus on the episode of Criminal minds that was on

This was good for you because well there wasn’t ever anyone crazy attractive on there and you were more focused on trying to solve the case before the detectives did 

You ended up just sitting there mindlessly for several episodes before you heard the door slam shut, you couldn't help but be paranoid as you jolted upright in bed, worried that someone was now breaking into your house, before you had time to react you heard Kenma’s voice call out your name, not once but three times in a panic looking for you 

You cal his name back quietly in hopes that he wouldn’t come and find you, you were wrong, of so wrong, Kenma came into the bedroom immediately and the moment he saw you his heart dropped, you were sitting there alone with tear stains down your face

This was the last thing that he ever expected to come home to and he knew that he had to say something and figure this out with you 

“Hey,” he started, looking at you with but worry, as he dropped his bag and climbed into bed with you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders as he rubbed up and down your arms and placing a quick kiss to your temples, “what’s wrong love?” he whispered, lips pressed against your hair, he was trying not to panic, but seeing you so upset makes everything in him worried

You didn’t know how to answer him, opening and closing your mouth several times in an attempt to try and get the words out, instead, your eyes started welling up again instead, you couldn't help but start crying again

Kenma had no idea what was wrong and didn’t want to upset you more, “Y/N, I love you, and I know we can get through this together. You are so kind, and intelligent, and sweet, and loving and beautiful, I love you more than anything.” he said, which felt uncharacteristically unlike him, but everything he said was the truth, he really did love you with everything he had

Instead of calming you down it only made you cry harder, “I’m not pretty,” you choked out between sobs

Kenma had never disagreed with anything more in his entire life, “Y/n, how could you say that?” he questioned, pulling you closer to him

“I’m ugly, my face, my body, my weight, my everything, it’s ugly,” you cried out. This time Kenma was the one opening and closing his mouth, he had no idea why or how you felt this way and he just wanted to make you feel better and that didn’t work, he couldn’t imagine what made you feel this way, “I’m fat and I hate my face and I don’t know why you are with someone that is as ugly as me,” you continued on your tangent, unable to stop yourself 

This was the last straw, Kena pushed you down onto the bed and laid on top of you, pinning you down with his hips, “Y/n, I am with you because I love you, because I think you are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever set my eyes on. If you could only see yourself through my eyes then you’d see nothing but beauty and you would find yourself too gorgeous for me. I can’t imagine looking so beautiful and not seeing it, you are stunning Y/n and I want you to know that when I call you pretty I mean it with everything in my heart. You know me, and you know that I don’t lie, there’s no reason to and I could never exaggerate your beauty because there is just so much of it.” he says, never breaking eye contact with you. When he is done, he leans down and kisses your forehead, “You’re beautiful here,” then he kisses your temple, “you’re beautiful here too” then he kisses your nose, “you’re beautiful here too,” he murmurs as he goes to do the same to each of your cheeks

“Stoooop Kenma,” you try pushing him off of you but he just smacks your hands away

“Y/n, you are beautiful everywhere and if you don’t see if then I am going to show it to you,” he gives you a mischievous little smile before kissing your lips lightly and moving down to kiss your jaw and your neck, “You are gorgeous.” “You are stunning.” “I love you.” He continues as he kisses down your body, his hands roaming up your shirt as he slowly pulls it off of you

His lips make contact with one breast, then the other, gently licking and sucking on the delicate flesh, making you moan out his name

Kenma had the tiniest smile on his face as he continued kissing down your sensitive skin as he praised every part of your body, telling you all of the things he loves about you 

When he reached your waistband you couldn’t help but shiver as he left open mouth kisses on your hips as his cold fingers slipped down inside the elastic and slowly pulled them off of you, his eyes glancing back up at you, pupils blown wide as he continued kissing down your hips and stopped right before your panties, he toyed with the fabric before looking up at you and sliding them off

“Fuck” he panted as he saw how exposed you are, “beautiful” 

He began kissing down your hips and placing gentle little bites along your thighs, scattering little marks as his eyes stayed focused upon you, never once breaking eye contact 

His head slowly shifted down between your legs as he licked one slow stripe up your throbbing core

You let out a breathy moan as your fingers went to his hair and pulled gently 

“Fuck, you’re so fuck,” he moaned before going back to licking your dripping core, after a few long strokes his tongue wrapped around your clit and began flicking it quickly as his fingers began stroking your heated core before pushing two completely inside of you and curling them perfectly to hit the best spots inside of you 

A whiny moan left your lips as you tried to raise your hips closer to Kenma but he wasn’t having it, he pushed your hips right back down, “don’t shy away from me, let me enjoy you,” he moaned before pulling his fingers out and replacing them with his tongue, his arms wrapping around your thighs and pulling you closer

You couldn’t help but let out a long needy moan as his tongue pulsed in and out of you, licking up all of your wetness as his fingers went to your clit and began expertly rubbing circles into it 

Your hands were tugging Kenma’s hair as he switched back and forth from long deep licks to quick and shallow ones, as he held you close to his face enjoying your juices smearing down his face

 Quickly your orgasm approached as Kenma replaced his tongue with his fingers and began driving three into your desperate hole as his mouth and nose pushed into your desperate clit, giving it the stimulation you needed as he hummed lightly, sending vibrations straight to your clit 

You were a moaning mess at this point and couldn’t help but whine as he perfectly hit all of the spots inside of you as you felt yourself come undone beneath him, moaning his name as he continued to lick and suck you clean 

When he was finished licking every part of you clean he slowly pulled back up your panties before laying down next to you 

“I love you,” he whispered before pulling you on top of him, “every single part of you,” he starts, looking straight into your eyes, “you are my dream, when I would dream at night I always imagined a girl just like you, I want nothing else, you are perfect,” he sighed before kissing the top of your head

You couldn’t help but start tearing up at his kind words, “Kenma-” you started

“Shh, no but’s no if’s nothing, you are gorgeous, and I love you,” he coos as he rubs your hair, “if you ever think anything like that again, tell me, right away, okay baby, I’m gonna make you see just how beautiful you are.” he smiles before cupping your cheek in his hand and placing a quick kiss on your lips

You lay there for a while before he nudges you off of him and starts rummaging through your clothes 

He pulls out an outfit for you and smiles weakly at you, “you tried this on and loved it, now you should wear it out to dinner,” he stated, smiling even bigger

You instinctively shook your head no, “Kenma, I can’t wear that out,” you stammer

“Why not?” he questions, “It looks amazing on you.” 

“Kenma bab-”

“Kenma what?” he sasses you, “when you tried it on you were glowing, now put it on and let’s go get Thai, okay?” he smiled at you

You couldn’t help but feel giddy putting the outfit on, you secretly did love how it looked on you, you just got nervous about what others would think about you in it but every time you would glance around nervously at dinner Kenma grabbed your hand and said one word, “beautiful” 

He even went as far as taking cute pictures of you for your Instagram and smiling at you, telling you how good you looked after every single one, not only did Kenma make you feel amazing, but he also took the most gorgeous pictures of you that you’ve ever seen, he kept smiling at you and telling you his favorite part of each picture as he scrolled, one he would complement your smile and the next he would complement your beautiful eyes, then your gorgeous pose and when you got blushy he just shrugged and sent you the pictures telling you that he said what he meant and that you really are that pretty 

He even let the two of you get some cuteeee pictures together which is rare for Kenma because he prefers to not take pictures at all, but you two got the best pictures together and it ended up being both of your new screensavers, and every time you saw Kenma open his phone to a picture of you he always gave it a little smile and a pause before going on to do whatever it was he needed his phone for

[xxrat--punkxx]

JUMPING ON THIS BAND WAGGON

Ok here’s my 2020, tw//mentions of suicide and abuse

(Strong start lmao) 2020 sucked ass lemmi tell ya. This year was a fucking train wreck from the start, ur hay I got character development so who cares. Well let’s start with a review, bad things first.

Yall remember when everyone was scared shields of COVID?. Lol. But that’s stating the obvious. When we went into lockdown I was first like fuck yeah summer lol, but then the threat of ‘staying home for the rest of the year’ set in, bing in my first year of sixth form I really understand the stakes of exams next year. So having to stay home for the rest of the year freaked me the fuck out. I literally couldent cope, having to do all classes online was fucking hell, they were never zoom classes either, just ‘lmao do the work and hand it in’ which was near impossible for me. I was also in the constant ‘oh no I’m so stressed but I will do NOTHING about this lmao~’. As the days turned to weeks and inevitably MONTHS, my mental health said buckle up bitches. Days were spent sitting in my room on my phone doing NOTHING, meanwhile this perpetual notion of stress played in my head yet there I sat not having the will or motion to move.

Then my parents got involved. Now THATS when shit went from pretty crummy to awful, now I was living with them constantly I was able to see who they really were with no real filter. And oh god do I have issues, I didn’t even fucking know. Every day was an argument, my mom was the worst, the MANIPULATION, the constant ‘you're tearing this family apart’ or ‘so I’m the problem?’ Or the fucking indecent playing the victim. And I all only just realised, that they have been doing this ALL MY LIFE. Dad got involved but he was just physically violent, only twice tho. The worst part was my work, admittedly yes, I didn’t do everything I was given, but I tried, I really did with what little motivation I had. But with just one ‘oh your daughter hasn’t handed in this work’ I was a ‘lazy, good for nothing failure’ to quote ‘who will never go anywhere in life’ so I’d spend the rest of the day crying while they play the victim bury saupying I was abusing their love and just using them for money. But the next day be like ‘oh I’m so proud of you you're doing so well’ having that statement being completely unrelated to the previous events. This was constant. So that’s that story. I won’t talk much about Black Lives Matter because we all know about how that went. But it really affected me, I found myself crying over the victims multiple times. And the lack of support for the movement my peers or family showed made it fucking worse. Crying was a common occurrence for me now, mental health really taking a nosedive, being too scared to call myself ‘depressed’ or ‘mentally ill’ to any extent because I know I’m faking it and just want validation. That was also constant. Fun times huh.

BUT IT GETS WORSE 🥲, then I had to go back to school, awful to fucking abhorrent now. Year two of sixth form fun right? Sure, if u take away the ‘no free time period’ or the wanting to kill mystery for literally a whole 3 weeks. That was my lowest peak. Ever. I’ve never wanted to kill myself before then, don’t like that feeling. Shocker huh. That mixed with the constant anxiety of nothing is right anymore and also needing to succeed at school all made one healthy dose of ‘.exe has stopped working’ juice. Yet I played the fool, acting happy as if nothing had happened, or was happening at least, and venting by imagining scenes in my head with fictional characters lmao. Telling myself ’u can’t kill yourself because u don’t deserve too and ur just asking for attraction’. Then midterms happened blah blah blah, stress but I’m numb to it now that whole story.

But that’s not to say there wasn’t a silver lining.

Onto the good things finally, yes the year was probably one of the worst years I’ve been through in my life it did not go without its positives. For example early this year I got into borderlands properly, I finally explored the fandom and had a look at what it was like. Albeit a slow process considering I was still predominantly on Instagram at the time, and finding a community of a fandom on there is impossible. I started browsing Pinterest or the Internet for images that would link to my favourite characters, Who were to no ones surprise is the calypso twins. Pinterest led me to artworks and artworks led me to the infamous Lazulizard. Who I cherish all my being. Three weeks later after looking at her entire tumblr blog and stalking her of pretty much all her content (sorry for that by the way) I found border-spam. By this point I didn’t have tumblr and I had no intention of getting it seeing as an ongoing war I’ve had with myself since 2012, declaring I will be the bigger man and never get tumblr, which in hindsight was an awful mindset. Seeing as tumblr is probably one of my favourite places on Earth right now. But after also stalking border spams account, again sorry, and starving her of any content she’d ever posted. I was happy that this fandom although as niche as it is was actually getting content. At the time spam and lazu were absolute gods to me. Being the sole producer of a fandom I probably wasn’t even in properly, having both impeccable writing and impeccable art like good God. I would often think ‘wow wouldn’t it be incredible if I actually got to talk to them one day’, now look at me I’m doing commissions for both of them good God. And to be short joining tumblr felt like a fever dream and it’s probably the greatest thing I could’ve done this year, my parents are wrong, talking to strangers is amazing.

Something notable of mention this year as I actually got to figure out who I am as a person, I was able to find my own style and to find my interests, specifically in what I liked in terms of clothing. I thought I was LOL 2012 goth hipster but no apparently I’m manic Pixie dream girl. Going from pink is the ugliest colour in the world to having it be the only colour I will ever wear. I made some pretty big choices this year like cutting pretty much all of my hair off and dying it for the first time. Thanks strict parents for only letting me do that one now. But like I said I went to a character Ark and you know what I like it. I also played BioShock fallout and horizon zero dawn for the first time this year starting to really feel like a proper epic gamer, good lord kill me, and falling in love with all of them almost immediately. I also figured out on a plant mum and I’m into vulture culture although my parents have to disagree with that one. Asking to buy an Horse and fox skull somehow scared them a little bit can’t seem to figure out why lmao.

So a conclusion, Fuck you 2020 you made me miss two comic cons and I will never forgive you for that shit I am SO mad. But I will give you the benefit of the doubt you did make me meet some absolutely incredible people who I consider my friends, despite going against every single Internet safety law I was ever taught as a child. But you know what who gives a flying shit I love you guys. So that’s what I wanted to say. I want to say thank you to everyone on here and everyone is following me or even interacted me with on that matter. You mean the world to me and I really fucking mean it. Are you going to be nothing but amazing ever since I walked onto this fucking hell hole. And what I go through all of this bullshit again if it means I ended up here? You know what I think I just might. So again I thank you and I hope your year didn’t go as badly as mine, and fuck it bring on whatever the fucks next!

Honourable mention of this year was The time Elisa actually complimented me and I cried a little bit and had a panic attack but you know that’s for another day

🥺💕

[hearthandhomemagick]

Cottage Witch Journal Entry - New Beginnings in Imbolc

It’s all an internal process. 

Imagine a tiny version of yourself, sitting in an empty, maybe even run-down room. You are surrounded by four blank walls and no décor. You have supplies and tools and options for how you fabricate this room, it is ultimately your choice on how you shape it. You can change it, you can adjust and repaint it, and you can even tear down certain walls, or build new ones with doors. All in all, this room is your choice and responsibility to maintain. 

The catch, though, is that this room is your responsibility and yours alone for the rest of your life on Earth. So, you can literally do whatever the fuck you want with this room, including private parties, public parties, etc. But you own it.

Now, imagine, if you could, inviting someone into your room. This is risky, but some are more comfortable with company in their room than others. A person comes and goes, leaving a sticker on your wall. Another person takes some flowers from your garden. Someone shows you a new section of your home you’ve never thought could exist. And another takes you to a place you wish you never knew existed. And then there will always be that one. The destructive, hard hitting and absolutely draining person who comes and takes everything you have before trashing the place and leaving you in shambles and surrounded by fire.

Addendum, imagine you isolate in your room, and are surrounded by so much beauty and art that you have curated. The room has always been one shape, but you’re comfortable and choose not to let others in. You have a bunch of internal thoughts and personality included in this room, but you are also haunted by the thoughts that never grow past their negative connotations. And when you look in the mirror, that shadow seems to hover around you as if it were an old friend. You make your own choices and own independence, but at the cost of lack of growth and understanding of others experiences. You eventually get used to the frozen feeling suffocating you in this room.

I bring this all up for it applies to the conversation at hand. 

Your entire life is completely shaped by your experiences, how open you are to influence, and how you process your experiences. I notice a lot of people, more recently, allowing a massive amount of people to influence the way their internal room is shaped and decorated. Example, when I was going home one night from karaoke, after having a rough night and not having a lot of fun, I decided to sing as loud as possible in my car so I could start feeling better. I get to a stop light and immediately feel this gut feeling of “you’re being watched.” I look over and the driver next to me had been laughing and recording me the entire time. I gave him the “wtf” look and sped off. That one person hurt me so bad in that moment that for well over a year I didn’t sing in my car or anyone else’s car. I had convinced myself that everyone was watching me from that point onward, and got sketched out doing something that provided me a sense of release and therapy. I allowed someone else to alter and change my room. From then on I started just trying to “blend in” and get by in society without people noticing or pointing me out to make fun of me and my flaws. But that’s not a way to live.

I shouldn’t live under the influence of other peoples realities. Of course, I am responsible when my actions affect someone’s reality, but to act is if we know what’s right for a person is ridiculous. This is where people start living for other people, including myself. There’s always a healthy amount of interaction to have with people, though, so as to be completely aware that they are living a life just as detailed and intricate as our own. Seeing others perspectives could lead us to something wonderfully amazing, so long as those perspective don’t dictate our own.

Ultimately, everyone is on their own spiritual journey so unique to their situation that it’s hard to figure out what is truly the right way to “live”. It’s easy for any of us to say, “This works! You should do this!” and it comes from a good place. We want to share our experiences with people so they may not have to endure the same thing. 

Here’s the deal, it may have worked for you, but it may not work for someone else. Your way of living is your own. Your wisdoms come from a place of history in your own life, and it is your responsibility to navigate your morals from a personal stand point, an understanding of others perspectives, and a logical stand point. It is NOT your responsibility to form another persons life, opinion, choices or spiritual journey. That’s all personal, Darling. 

Now think of this, when you offer advice to someone that worked out for you and they get excited to use it, only to find out it didn’t work at all for their own situation. At that point, it is just as much your fault the situation failed as much as it is the person who took your advice in the first place. Sometimes, it’s better to wait to give advice until it is asked, and then ask yourself whether your input is necessary or would offer a sustainable difference in the other persons life. 

Ultimately, everyone’s choice is their own, and when you pressure someone to choose what you would typically choose, you take away their freedom and power. This is where the balance of your life and it’s experiences come in. Learning to balance external and internal experiences and how they affect you/how you are receptive to them can be extremely complicated. This is especially so for people who simply don’t wish to reflect on themselves, because they feel as though the world has wronged them in some way or that the rose colored glasses are more favorable than the reality they must face. 

That’s not my Spiritual Journey, though. In the end, their eyes look back at them in the mirror and reflect reality. And, in time, they will understand lessons they didn’t before, but it’s not my responsibility to teach them those lessons. Again, it’s their journey, not my own. They have to want to know, want to learn and want to grow. 

I say all of this to simply throw out there some food for thought. Are you truly responsible for yourself, or are you pushing blame on others? Now, that’s not me saying, “It’s your fault this happened.” but rather me asking if you are being responsible for yourself after what you experience? You have every right to feel whatever you feel, especially if you are hurt. But you will only ever feel that feeling if you are not willing to heal and move forward. Ultimately, it is your choice, and it’s okay to take that route if you feel it is justified. But you are responsible for your feelings, no one else has power over that unless you give them that power.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that no one can be responsible for your bedroom except for you. And you have to be gentle with yourself in the process, otherwise you put more pressure and damage on your room.

Balance is key, even when we have extreme moments in life. If we give ourselves margin to grow, space to breathe, capacity to listen, and time to slow down, life becomes easier to manage. When you get caught in the current of a river, they say to relax so you don’t lose energy. When you flow with the current, rather than against it, you prevent yourself from drowning and have an easier chance at grabbing something to stop you and slow you down. It’s a survival tactic, and a great one for your mental health. Then again, is it even my place to tell the fighters to stop fighting? Who knows, truly. Complicated Concepts.

I simply wanted to open these thoughts and elucidations, and hope someone can read this and offer conversation or dialogue so we can talk about these concepts. I appreciate all of you and hope you have a wonderful day!

Happy Imbolc!!!

[nerdzzone]

Light After Dark: Chapter Five

Summary: Brooke Harris was trying her best to be grateful. As the world tackled the COVID-19 pandemic, she was healthy and safe and so was the rest of her family, but her dreams had very quickly been crushed by the economic fallout. Trapped on the quaint island of Jersey with nothing, but free time to wallow in her mistakes, Brooke’s mental health was taking a hit, but when she collides with a handsome stranger she starts to realize that the future might not be so bleak and there might still be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Pairing: Henry Cavill x OFC

A/N: Any names or info about Henry’s family is completely made up and all the gifs I found on google (feel free to contact me for credit if they’re yours!). I would love to hear any feedback on the story so far! :)

______________

May. 5. 2020

"Mum!" I shouted from the kitchen as I admired my creation on the counter. "Where exactly do the Cavills live?"

I heard brief footsteps before my mother's head popped into the kitchen.

"Oh, wow, Brookie," She gasped. "That looks incredible!"

I grinned proudly at the beautiful cake on the counter. It was three tiered and designed to look like Superman. The top being his head, the middle being his torso and the bottom being his bottom half. Complete with cape, curl on his forehead and Superman logo all made out of fondant icing.

"Thank you. Do you think I could walk it over or would I need to take the car?"

"Hm, walking might be safest," She mused as she grabbed her phone off the counter to take a picture. "It's not far and I can come with you if you don't mind. I wouldn't mind saying hello to Marianne."

"That would be great. I'd feel better having someone else to help support it."

"Perfect!" She nodded. "Honestly, darling, this is magnificent. The detail is amazing."

"Thanks," I smiled. "I just need to change quickly and we can go."

She didn't answer as she was so wrapped up in photographing my work so I scurried off up to my room, buzzing with excitement.

****

May was always a tricky time for choosing how to dress. It wasn't overly warm, only about fifteen degrees, but the cool weather we'd had the week before made it seem a lot warmer than it actually was. Carrying the cake would be tricky and I didn't want to show up to Henry's house all sweaty and gross, but I also didn't want to show up dressed for the middle of summer and have him think I was insane.

I groaned as I tossed another shirt disapprovingly onto my bed and heard a giggle from the door.

"Are you struggling?" Cassie teased as she moved into the room and sat on the bed. "It looks like a hurricane has been through here."

"I don't know what to wear," I whined. "I've not seen him in person since we've started talking, I want to make a good impression."

"You're just dropping off a cake, Brooke, you're not even going on a date."

Her statement was intended to calm me down and take the pressure off a bit, but it did the opposite. My cheeks heated up and I suddenly felt incredibly silly.

"I know," I bit my lip as nervous anxiety bubbled in my chest. "I'm blowing it out of proportion, aren't I?"

"A little bit," She nodded. "It's nothing to stress about, hun."

"Was I stupid for making the cake at all?" I asked, "Is it too much?"

"What?" Cassie's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Why on earth would it be too much? That wasn't what I meant at all. I just meant that you don't need to get yourself all worked up over something silly like what to wear."

"It's just weird," I groaned, dragging myself away from my closet to sit on the bed next to her. "We've been talking for almost a month now, but it's hard to figure out where we stand when we can't actually see each other in person. I don't want to overstep if maybe I've read the signals wrong."

"Okay, well, first of all, he asked you to make him a cake so even if he only asked you because he knows you're a baker and he wants a really nice birthday cake then you're still not overstepping," She reminded me. "And second of all, I've seen your conversations. He likes you. He'll be just as excited to see you again as you are to see him."

"Do you think so? I mean, I think we're flirting, but I'm notoriously bad at reading the signs and he's fucking Superman for god's sake, why would he want to flirt with me?"

"Because you, my darling sister, are hot," Cassie smirked. "And you're funny and sweet and thoughtful. You're a total catch and even if he is Superman, he's the lucky one in this equation."

I couldn't help, but smile at her kind words, knowing she meant every one of them.

"Thanks Cass," I said softly, feeling some of the nerves in my stomach dissipate slightly. "I just don't want to get ahead of myself. It's fun talking to him, but it's hard when you can't actually meet face to face."

"Well, from all the giggling that comes out of this room when you're talking to him on the phone, I would say that you have nothing to worry about," She assured me before standing from my bed and heading to my closet. "Now, let's find you something to wear."

By the time Cassie was done styling me I was wearing a long black sleeve shirt under short style overalls. It was a good mix of warm, but cool for a sunny spring day.

"Are you sure I don't look like I'm dressed up as a farm girl?"

Cassie giggled at my question, but shook her head.

"No, you look adorable," She insisted. "And it shows off your legs. You have great legs."

I looked down at them in the mirror and thought they looked pretty average, but I took her word for it, thanked her and headed back downstairs to meet my mum.

"I thought you said 'quickly'," She scoffed as I walked back into the room. "You've been gone almost half an hour."

"That is quick when you're getting ready to see the man you've fallen in love with."

I spun around to scowl at my dad who'd appeared by the kitchen door.

"I'm not in love with him," I argued. "We're just friends."

"Quite the extravagant cake to make for a friend," He teased. "You've never made me anything like this."

"I make things for you all the time," I mumbled, letting my hair fall in front of my face to hide my red cheeks. "Just because I'm living at home again doesn't mean you need to tease me like I'm fifteen."

"You just make it too easy, Sweetheart," He grinned. "But I'm sure your boyfriend will love his cake."

I groaned as my mom smiled and scolded her husband on my behalf.

"Alright, we should get going," She told me. "If we leave it much longer we'll catch them in the middle of their supper."

She was being dramatic, it hadn't taken me that long to get changed, but I nodded and slipped my phone into my back pocket before gently lifting the cake off the counter.

****

The walk over was slow going. It should have only taken maybe ten minutes to get to the Cavill's house, but I was so terrified of dropping the cake that it took almost twice as long. Focusing on that was a good distraction though and by the time I was placing the cake stand on their doormat I felt less nervous and more excited for him to see it.

Once it was safely placed on the ground, I knocked loudly on the door and scurried back to where my mom was waiting on the other side of the porch, six feet away.

"I hope he's the one who answers the door," I thought, voicing it out loud to my mother. "Or someone might end up very confused."

She laughed quietly beside me as the door swung open and Henry was standing there only a few feet away. They say that you tend to build things up in your mind when you go without it for a while so there was part of me that had thought there was no way Henry was as handsome in person as I remembered. But he was.

My breath caught in my throat for a minute as he glanced down at the cake and then up at me with an ear to ear grin on his face.

"Happy birthday!"

"Wow, thank you so much," He chuckled. "I didn't think you'd actually make me a cake."

I dropped my jaw in an exaggerated way before rolling my eyes.

"You absolutely did," I insisted. "I was worried if we didn't get it here soon you'd come looking for it. You've mentioned it almost every day."

"Alright, I did," Henry admitted with a smirk as he picked up the cake. "But, wow, this is next level. It's amazing!"

All the commotion had drawn a crowd to the door that came into view as Henry moved the cake to a little table on the porch and set it down.

"Sue! Hello!" A woman called as she made her way outside. She was around my mother's age so I assumed she was Henry's mum. "How lovely to see you!"

"Oh, it's lovely to see you too!" My mum smiled. "Brooke said she could use some help carrying this cake over so I jumped at the chance. Isn't it awful being cooped up at home all the time?"

"Gosh, it's just terrible."

"Mum," Henry called, interrupting the little reunion as he lifted up the dome I'd used to protect the cake. "Look how amazing this is."

There was a chorus of 'wows', impressed gasps and various other praise and I felt my cheeks go red from the attention.

"Did you make this all from scratch?" Henry asked as a curly mass of brown hair flew through the door and over to the table. "Whoa, careful Alfie, don't knock it down."

Henry grabbed the boy, who looked to be about eight, gently by the shoulders to stop him from getting too close as he stared at it wide-eyed.

"That's so cool," He whispered in awe. "It looks like Superman!"

"It looks like Uncle Henry!" Another, slightly younger, boy shouted as he scurried over as well. "When Uncle Henry's in the movies!"

"I'm glad you think so! I tried my best to make it look like him," I smiled, drawing their attention away from the cake and towards me. "And yes, I did make it all from scratch. But I did wear a mask and gloves the whole time and I thoroughly sanitized the kitchen before I started so it's completely germ free. Not that I have any germs to pass on, I promise."

"What a strange time we're living in that you have to provide such a disclaimer when giving your friend a cake."

That observation came from an amused woman standing in the doorway and, as if he read my mind, Henry spoke up.

"Sorry, I should do some introductions," He realized. "Brooke, this is my mother and Father. My brother, Simon, and his wife, Louise, and their three kids, Alfie, George, and Amelia. Everyone, this is Brooke and her mother."

My mother spoke up before I did, informing him that she'd met them all before at one time or another, but once she was done I offered an awkward wave.

"Hello, everyone! It's nice to meet you all."

"I can't believe that after my brother almost broke your ankle, you made him a birthday cake," Simon smirked as he balanced his daughter on his hip. "It's not poisoned, is it?”

I giggled as Henry rolled his eyes.

"It was just as much my fault as his," I insisted. "It's just unfortunate for me that he's as solid as a brick wall."

"Sometimes those muscles do more harm than good," His mum smiled fondly, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Now, who wants cake? You'll stay for some, won't you?"

My mother leapt in before I could answer.

"Oh, that would be wonderful!”

There was a flurry of commotion as Marianne rushed off to get plates and the kids immediately started arguing over which piece of cake they wanted. I heard Henry softly clear his throat and, when he caught my eye, he nodded his head to the side. He didn't wait for me before sneaking off quietly down the stairs and I followed, but not before catching the knowing look my mother was throwing at me.

"Be careful," She warned quietly. "We're still in a pandemic and you're still vulnerable."

"I know," I assured her, biting back the urge to remind her that I wasn't a child and could look after myself. "I won't be long."

I rushed off after Henry before she could give me anymore advice or we caught anymore attention.

****

I found Henry just around the side of the house standing in quite a spectacular garden.

"Happy Birthday," I repeated with a smile, alerting him to my presence as I walked closer until I was the appropriate distance away. "Are you having a nice day?"

"I am, thank you," Henry returned my smile. "It's been as relaxing as can be expected in a house full of children, but it's been nice seeing them all try to make my day special. Until you came and upstaged everyone."

He playfully shook his head at me and I felt the nervousness fade away. He may be drop dead gorgeous, but he was the same Henry I'd been messaging.

"I didn't mean to," I insisted with a laugh. "You wouldn't shut up about the cake so I had to make it something special!"

Henry chuckled at that.

"Seriously though, I really appreciate it. Thank you very much," He grinned at me, making my cheeks heat up at his praise. "It must have taken you hours."

"It took all morning," I nodded with a smile, not admitting that I got up at just after six am to make sure I had enough time. "But it was really enjoyable actually. I haven't felt much motivation to bake fun things so it was nice having an excuse to get back into it."

"Oh, well then you're welcome."

His words were said with a smirk that made me roll my eyes, shaking my head, but just as I was about to tell him to be quiet a massive black and white ball of fur came bounding around the corner from the back of the house.

"Oh my gosh," I gasped. "Is this Cow?!"

Henry barked a laugh at that as the big dog ran around both of us in circles, his tail wagging at top speed.

"It's Kal," Henry corrected. "But yes, this is my dog. He's probably incredibly thrilled that he's getting to meet a new person for the first time in months."

I smiled and squatted down to wrap my arms around his neck.

"Awe, well, I know we're supposed to keep our distance from people's pets now too, but how could I resist you?" I cooed to the dog who danced in place while licking my face. "My goodness, you're the sweetest thing I've ever seen!"

"He is pretty great," Henry agreed, a hint of pride in his voice, but after a few more moments of me fussing over his companion he spoke again. "You know, I've always liked how Kal stole the attention away from me, but I think this might be the first time it's actually making me a tad bit jealous."

My head snapped up in his direction, worrying for just a moment that I'd actually upset him, but the soft smile on his face put me at ease. Nevertheless, I stood up, much to Kal's dismay.

"Wow, Henry, that's pretty self-centered," I teased. "I know it's your birthday, but that doesn't mean the attention needs to be on you every minute of the day."

"It doesn't? I was under the impression that was exactly what it meant."

"Nope," I shook my head. "It just means that you're one step closer to those senior discounts."

"Oh, please," Henry rolled his eyes. "Thirty-seven is really not that old."

"I was debating getting you a walking stick to go with the cake," I teased. "You know, because you might need it any day now."

Henry glared at me for a moment, but it quickly melted into a laugh.

"If I'm days away from needing a walking stick with these muscles," He paused briefly to flex his biceps which, despite making my breath catch in my throat at their size, earned an amused shake of my head. "You must already be a cripple with those weak ankles of yours."

"Oh my god, I can't believe you just did that," I laughed. "Trying to impress me again, are you?"

"I don't have to try," Henry smirked. "I can tell you're impressed."

I opened my mouth to protest, but resigned myself to a simple shrug as I crossed my arms.

"Well, yeah, okay, of course I'm impressed," I admitted with a smile. "You're sculpted like a Greek god."

"It really is mostly for practical reasons,"  He informed me, his usual humble side returning as he scratched Kal's head. "You can't wave swords around for hours without hurting yourself if you're not strong."

I cocked my head to the side suspiciously.

"I don't remember Superman using a sword."

"He didn't, but there was a lot of dangerous stunt work and did you see the suit they made me squeeze into? I had to be in top shape or it wouldn't have fit."

"Alright, that's fair," I nodded before a realization hit me. "Oh my gosh, do you even eat cake?"

Henry stared at me blankly for a moment before laughing.

"On my birthday? Of course I do!" He nodded. "I do try to keep a pretty healthy diet, but on holidays or special occasions I don't restrict myself too much."

"Thank goodness," I breathed a sigh of relief. "For a moment there I was panicking that I should have made you some kind of healthy protein cake creation instead."

He pulled a face at that suggestion, making me giggle at his over the top look of horror.

"If you're going to do cake, you have to do it right!"

"I'm glad you think so," I smiled. "Because there is a lot of sugar in that icing. It's probably about a thousand calories a slice."

I was being a bit dramatic, but it earned a full body laugh from Henry and I felt a warming in my chest at the sight. He was such a lovely person to be around. Lovely might seem like a boring description, but it fit him perfectly. He was genuine, funny, easy to tease and quick to tease back. He was constantly impressing me with how down to earth he was and he had a very calming presence that made all my anxiety melt away. He made me feel lighter.

He asked a few questions about how often I made such fancy cakes, about the different techniques involved and how I'd come up with the idea and for the first time in a few months it actually felt good to talk about my baking. I'd been really crushed by my failed attempt at opening a bakery. Sure, it wasn't really a sign of my skill or business management abilities, but opening a bakery just for it to be permanently closed a few months later was pretty defeating. It had left a bad taste in mouth in regards to baking anything that wasn't practical food.

We got lost in our conversation only pausing when a deep 'boof' came from the dog that had been circling us. He was staring in the direction of the gate so we followed his gaze and saw Henry's tiny little niece toddling towards us. A grin burst onto Henry's face, making my heart melt just a little bit.

"Hi, sweetheart," He cooed as she came over before lifting her arms to be picked up. Henry did so happily, resting her on his hip. "Did you enjoy the cake? It sure looks like you did!"

I laughed as he wiped some of the icing off of her cheek. It was all over her face as she smiled up at him and nodded. She shyly told him that it was yummy, eyeing me suspiciously the whole time.

"This is my friend, Brooke," Henry told her. "She made that cake for me. Can you say thank you?"

"Thank you..."

She still seemed wary, but I smiled in what I hoped was a reassuring manner.

"You're very welcome!" I told her. "Now, I can't remember what your Uncle Henry said your name was, can you remind me?"

"Amelia."

"It's lovely to meet you, Amelia!"

As I spoke, her mother appeared at the gate, relaxing in obvious relief when she saw Amelia in Henry's arms. She shouted over asking if we were okay with her, but Henry waved her off before turning his attention back to the child.

"Can you tell Brooke how old you are?"

She held up two chubby little fingers and I held back an 'awwe' at the sight.

"Two? Wow. Uncle Henry must seem pretty old to you then," I teased him earning a roll of his eyes when she wasn't looking. "He's thirty-seven!"

"Well, she is almost three," Henry clarified. "So she's almost as old as me really."

"No!" Amelia protested, disgust written all over her face. "I'm little!"

"You're little?" Henry gasped in mock shock. "Weren't you just telling me the other day that you're a big girl now?"

She shook her head insistently and I laughed at the pair of them.

"Don't worry, Amelia. He keeps trying to say that I'm as old as him too and I'm six whole years younger."

She giggled at that and looked up at Henry before scrunching her nose.

"You're old."

"Thanks for that," Henry laughed, shaking his head in my direction. "I'm not old, Amelia. Don't listen to her."

He tickled her tummy making her squirm and giggle in his arms. It would have been almost impossible not to laugh along with her, but once she got herself under control her face got very serious as she leaned in to whisper something in her uncle's ear.

"Oh, I'm not sure that will be possible," Henry chuckled earning a very over the top, but heart-wrenching pout from his niece. "Your birthday is a long way off, we might not all be here together by then."

From what he said, I had a rough idea of her request, but I gave Henry a questioning look, prompting him to elaborate.

"She wants to know if you would make her a birthday cake on her birthday."

"Oh, honey, I would love to make you a cake if you're still here on your birthday," I smiled. "When is it?"

She mumbled something incoherent as she rested her head on Henry's shoulder so I turned to him again for clarification.

"July twenty-ninth."

"My birthday is on August fourth," I told her. "That's pretty close together, hey? Maybe I can make a giant cake for both of us!"

Her eyes lit up at that suggestion.

"A fairy princess one?"

"Is that what you would like?" I asked as she nodded frantically. "Then it's a deal. If we're still here on you birthday, I’ll make us a giant fairy princess cake to share."

She grinned at that information and wiggled to be put down before running off through the gate under Henry's watchful eye, presumably to tell her parents the exciting news.

"What a sweetheart," I smiled. "She's adorable."

"She is and she knows it," Henry chuckled. "But she's quite quiet and calm so she tends to get overshadowed by her brothers who have an endless amount of energy. It's been hard for them having to stay home so much so they end up with most of the attention because if they're left to their own devices someone usually gets hurt."

"It must be hard not being able to go to the park and burn off all that energy."

"Exactly," Henry nodded. "But luckily the garden is fairly big so there's a lot of football and playing chase with Kal, anything that lets them blow off some steam, but Amelia doesn't like those things so I've been trying to spend some time with her too. She loves reading so we've been doing a lot of that while the boys wreck havoc."

"That's very sweet," I smiled as my heart fluttered at the thought of the giant, muscled man in front of me sitting with his tiny niece curled up in his lap as he read to her. "She must love that."

"She does and really, I do too," Henry admitted. "Don't get me wrong, I love running around with the boys, but it's nice to have those quiet moments too. It's one positive thing that's come out of this whole mess, getting to really bond with them all."

"I've felt the same with my niece," I nodded. "She's probably about the same age as Alfie and I always made an effort to see her as much as possible, but it's nice to have an excuse to be around all the time and really get to know her little personality."

"It is and honestly, I can't wait to have a family of my own," He confessed with a sheepish smile. "So it's nice to get some practice in."

A smirk slid onto my face.

"Well, after seeing you with Amelia, I'm sure you'll be a super dad."

Henry shook his head at me and sighed dramatically, but despite his incredible acting skills, he couldn't help, but laugh.

"You're hilarious," He told me, his words dripping with sarcasm as I grinned proudly at my joke. "Always have a pun ready to go, don't you?"

"They just come to me," I giggled. "It's a gift."

"If you weren't such a good baker, I'd suggest you do stand up comedy."

His words were once again laced with sarcasm, but I just smirked.

"Maybe I'll do both," I shrugged. "Maybe that was part of my downfall, there wasn't enough comedy to go along with the pastries. I should have set up an open mic."

"Ah, yes, because it's well-known that the British just love the awkwardness of amateur comedians."

"True, that might be a bit too cringey," I admitted with a wrinkle of my nose. "But I could have at least come up with some clever, play-on-word names for everything. What a missed opportunity."

"It was, especially for someone as clearly multi-talented as you."

I couldn't help, but laugh at his flat delivery, but quickly forced it into a glare.

"Alright, that's enough sarcasm out of you," I playfully scolded him. "We both know that I'm at least funnier than you and really, that's all that counts."

"I think we both actually know that it's the other way around," Henry raised an eyebrow. "Or was that another one of your jokes?"

I shook my head at his teasing, but before I could argue, Henry's brother shouted over to us.

"Henry! Brooke! If you want some cake, come get it now before George eats it all!"

A tiny voice shouted his protests at being blamed as Henry and I laughed.

"Well, it sounds like we should get back before I don't even get to try my own cake," Henry chuckled. "But thank you, Brooke. All jokes aside, I really appreciate that you put so much effort in to making me that cake."

"Don't worry about it," I assured him, feeling my stomach flutter at the genuine kindness in his eyes. "Just because we're all in lockdown, doesn't mean that you can't have a nice day. I'm glad I got to help make that happen."

Henry smiled and nodded understandingly before walking past me towards the gate. We'd stayed pretty much six feet apart the whole time we'd been talking, but he broke the rule as he walked by, brushing his hand just briefly against mine. It was subtle and fleeting, but his pinky wrapped around mine and squeezed gently.

He didn't even stop walking so as fast as it happened, it was over. Perhaps I was just feeling rather touch starved from not being near anyone but my family since our last meeting, but the brief connection left me buzzing. I'd always assumed the novels and movies that describe the electric sensation when two people touch were being dramatic, but it suddenly seemed very real. My skin felt like it was on fire and it was suddenly like my mind had gone completely blank of anything that wasn't how soft his skin felt.

Kal broke me out of my trance with a lick to my hand and I took a deep breath to get myself back down to earth. I thought to myself how embarrassing it would have been for Henry to see what an effect his simple action had on me, but when I looked up and saw him standing by the gate with a smirk on his face I was pretty sure that he was very much aware.

[agoodsfpage]

“This is Morgan Winters, Barely Alive on GLNS News!” - Part 1

Hey!  Posted this here and on the forum. Those of you who know me there will know this will not be the first time I've posted the first part of a story, promised to deliver more, and then abandoned the project within, like, an hour, but trust me, guys... I'm going to finish this one this time. I can feel it in my bones.

Anyway, something about the concept of a news reporter catching a cold has been weighing on my brain for just the longest time so I bring you this first part, in which our news reporters does *not*, in fact, catch a cold yet.

There is a little bit of sneezing and illness stuff at the end, but this is mostly about setting the scene, establishing some characters. I feel like actually having some kind of plot is a nice minimal standard to achieve with storytelling, but this might be why I'm always too lazy to finish telling them. If I do fail to post the second part of this one, my next story will just be called 'woman with a cold who is sneezing' and will just be about someone, like, going to various places.

With that in mind, do feel free to remind me to pick this up if you actually really want to see where this story (kind of inevitably) ends up going.

And, excuse the poor formatting. It is not my strong suit.

"...and despite facing calls to resign, the counselor has confirmed he'll remain in his post. From GLNS, this is Morgan Winters, back to you Alex."

   Morgan yanked the earpiece out from her ear as quickly as she could, and ran a hand through her long black hair.

   "How was that?" she asked Derek, from behind the camera, who gave a simple thumbs up in response. "Good," she said. "Now get me out of here. It's fucking freezing, and these old government buildings never seem to have any heating" "We got a taxi waiting for you outside to get you back to the studio" he replied, as he rewound the footage. "Think we're going to end up back in the van, though, if you ask me. Molly just took a phone call from the boss. Suspect she's going to be looking for you any minute now"

   Morgan rolled her eyes and sighed. "Of course she is. What now? World's tallest scarecrow just collapsed? Local teen gets tongue frozen to lampost? Or are we going to interview the mayor's husband again, and hope he's sober enough to string together a full sentence this time?"

   Derek shrugged. "I don't commission 'em, Morgan, I just film 'em. You'll have to ask her." "I'll have to avoid her, more like. I'm going to the office. I have a mountain of work to catch up on. I don't have time to do some twee interview with Farmer Dan about Potatofest '22, or whatever they want from me." "You do what you want. Taxi's that way, though. Next to the van" Derek replied, smirking, pointing to the east side of the building, and not taking his eyes off of the footage.

   Morgan sighed and made her way to the city hall car park. She spied her taxi from across the road and started to walk towards it when she heard her name in an all-too-familiar and all-too-cheerful tone of voice.

   "Slow down, Morgan" Molly called out, from behind her. Morgan closed her eyes, silently cursed her luck, and turned around to face Molly, who was dressed in a garnet-red beret, that (in Morgan's humble and, admittedly, uninformed opinion) badly compliment her curly, silver-blonde hair.

   "I am so sorry, Molly, I almost forgot to wait for you," she said, forcing herself to smile. "That's alright, I'd just disappeared to make a quick phone call" Molly replied. "From the station," she said after a slightly uncomfortable pause. "Oh, they're always bothering us while we're busy. Well, I best be going, I need to get back to the--" "Could you do me a favor, Morgan?"

   Morgan gritted her teeth, her green eyes lightly glazing over as Molly carried on.

   "You see," Molly continued barely registering Morgan's expression, "the public health department just got in touch. It's that time of year when colds and such things are going around, you see. So, the department was wondering if we could send a reporter down to a local physician's to do a quick cold and flu safety report"

   Morgan shook her head. "No, Molly, no, absolutely not. I told you, I'm done with these... nothing reports. I'm a serious journalist, alright? I have a degree-- two degrees! Two degrees, I have a Bachelors in Communication, and a Masters in Media and Journalism, okay? I should be covering far more serious topics than this. Health- public health isn't even something I know anything about. Can't you ask Alice to do it?" "We did ask Alice to do it!" Molly replied. "And?" "She can't" "Why not?" "Caught a cold."

   Morgan rolled her eyes. "Well, what about Steve or Michael? They should be grateful for any work at this point, to be honest" "No, look, the department wants *you*. They've seen you! They think you have a really down-to-earth personality and a great presentation style. Perfect for delivering this kind of message."

   Morgan paused. "They asked for me?" "Yes" "...and they think I have a great presentation style?" "Absolutely" "And a down-to-earth personality?" "Yeah, maybe. Anyway, look, if you do this, there's sure to be some more work coming your way. Good work, too. Not these fluff pieces, not these interviews with outraged retirees. You get to do what you want." Morgan really thought about it. "...No more local food and culture festivals?" "No more anything, just pure you." "...Fine. Fuck you, but... fine." Morgan replied. "When do they want me?" Molly looked at her watch and looked back up at Morgan. "Half an hour ago."

--------

   It was not often that Morgan got to visit the more affluent side of town. She lived pretty far from here, and the people who did live here were wealthy enough to keep the cameras away from their neighborhood. While she wasn't thrilled about this assignment, she couldn't help but gawp at the mini-mansions, and luxury restaurants that lined the streets.

   Still, all the money and lawyers in the world couldn't keep out the common cold. Almost every face she could spot from the van, was adorned with a red nose, or a tissue pressed tightly against it. Morgan shifted uncomfortably in her seat, as she turned her head towards her phone. She was really starting to regret this.

   After a short drive, in which Molly had to negotiate with an incredibly congested toll-booth operator, the van pulled up outside the district's medical center. Derek scrambled out of the van to get the equipment ready, while Morgan and Molly went inside to meet the nurse they were going to be interviewing.

   "Hey," Morgan said approaching the receptionist at the front desk, who was busy scribbling some notes into a pad. "Morgan Winters, I'm with GLNS news. This is Molly, I was told you both spoke on the phone about an interview?"

   The receptionist looked up from her notepad and something instantly struck Morgan about her appearance. The long, wavy red hair, Morgan had already noticed from a distance. The bright blue eyes were distinctive but didn't immediately catch her notice. No, Morgan's attention was right away drawn to the sore, red rim that ran around the woman's nostrils, that was accentuated by the sudden and thick sniffle she gave.

   "One moment..." she muttered, barely managing those precious m's and n's that would have lent clarity to what she said. She casually reached over a small PA system on her desk. "Ndurse Halloway? GLNS are here" she muttered, or something to that effect, at least. Some tinny, staticky voice gave a robotic reply, and the receptionist looked back up to Morgan. "Just take a seat with the oh-others... ih-ISHIEW!"

   Morgan was grateful that the receptionist was able to grab a tissue. Still, she would have liked it all the more if the receptionist had actually managed to bring it to her nose, some time before letting out the surprising sneeze.

   "Ugh... 'scuse mbe" she mumbled, using the barely touched tissue to blow her already sore nose. "Was the last one standing up until I came in this m-mordi-ih...it'SHIEW!" she sneezed again, clearly an aftershock from the previous sneeze, but this time, thankfully, with the tissue ready to catch it.

   'Last one standing...' Morgan mentally repeated with a degree of exasperation, before directing Molly to sit beside her in the waiting room.

   "We better make this quick, alright? I'm already regretting every second of this..." she whispered to her assistant, as the woman beside her, blew her nose for the fourteenth time. "Why, what's wrong?" she asked "What do you mean, what's wrong? This place is gross. I feel gross. I want to go back to the office, where it's... I mean still gross, but less gross than this" "Oh, hush. Don't worry about it, it's just a quick interview, bit of filming of... doctor-y things, and we can do the V/O back at the studio" "I don't know how you can be so calm about this" Morgan snapped, as the man next to Molly launched into a coughing fit. Molly simply shrugged. "I'm not bothered. I had my flu shot" she said, confidently. "Do flu shots protect against colds?" asked Morgan Molly paused for a moment. "I mean, yeah, of course, they do. They're basically the same thing. Wouldn't be much point in a flu vaccine if you're just going to get a cold anyway, surely!"

   Morgan was skeptical, but before she could open her mouth to object, she heard her name called from the reception.

   "Ms. Widters?" the receptionist asked, holding a tissue to her nose as she spoke. "Ndurse Halloway will see you both dow..." she managed, before sneezing three more times into the tissue. As she pulled it away, Morgan winced at how sore and red her nose was starting to look. At that point, Morgan realized that there was nothing she could do to protect herself. From the moment she walked into the health center, she was a dead woman walking.

[peachy-beomie]

Holding You In My Heart (Until I Can Hold You In My Arms) <KUNTEN>

Genre: Fluff

Pairings: Kunten (Qian Kun x Ten Lee)

Word Count: 1,643

Warnings: None!

Synopsis: COVID AU in which Kun sets up a bunch of cute zoom dates for him and his boyfriend.

A/N: I got bored and I really want to start working on my masterlist so I decided to post this :D

AO3 Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29410125

From: qiankunprod@gmail.com

To: chittaphonleechaiyapornkul@yahoo.com

Join Zoom Meeting

{zoom link}

I stare quizzically at the email that pops up on my screen, interrupting my FRIENDS marathon. The message comes from none other than my boyfriend Kun, who’s been spending all of quarantine so far looking for ways for us to go on dates.

When COVID hit, Kun and I were forced to confine ourselves in our respective apartments, limiting contact. It hasn’t been too hard thus far, we call and text everyday without fail. Simple good mornings and silly pictures of my cat sufficed for the first month or so. But as the quarantine dragged on, I began missing Kun’s face more and more. We hadn’t been on a proper date in god knows how long, and it was starting to impact my mental health.

Curiosity consumes me as I click the link, awaiting whatever dorky plot Kun had conjured up. Within seconds his lopsided grin filled my screen and drew a small smile from my lips.

“Hi Sunshine!” He greets cheerfully, the familiar pet name bringing warmth to my cheeks.

“Heya baby, what’s this about?”

“Nothing, just missed you.” Kun’s tone has a hint of mischief that doesn’t go unnoticed by me. But playing along with Kun is way more fun than interrogating him.

“Mmm not as much as I missed you. You sure there’s no special reason for this?” I can see Kun’s eyes sparkling despite the low quality graphics.

“Weeeeellllllll I suppose I did want to ask if you’d want to go on a date?”

“A date? How would we do that?”

“Like this!” Kun gestures eagerly at the screen. “Through zoom! I found all kinds of fun things we can do.”

“And when would we do this?”

“I mean I’m free now…” Kun suggests, eliciting a giggle from me. Sometimes Kun’s cuteness is unbelievable.

“That works for me. What’d you have in mind baby?” Kun’s eyes sparkle mischievously.

“Wanna get your ass whooped at Mario Kart?”

“In your d r e a m s Qian.”

⏳

After that initial date, zoom dates with Kun became a frequent occurance. Kun wasn’t kidding when he said he had a lot of ideas. He set up so many dates ranging from movie nights (“You know he comes back in the next movie right?” “TOM HOLLAND IS TOO HOT TO DIE KUN.”) to a talent show consisting mostly of magic and Louis ignoring my attempts to make him do tricks. I began to look forward to each and every one of the meetings. Especially if it’s my turn to plan the date (“It’s more fun playing Just Dance against you cause you’re uncoordinated and I always win.” “Shut up.”). Dates with Kun made quarantine far more tolerable, though I still missed cuddling with Kun. The teddy bear he sent me as a replacement was a kind gesture though.

I hold it close as I watch Kun struggle to repeat the steps I taught him. A small chuckle escapes my lips, and Kun immediately turns to me with a pout.

“Don’t laugh, I think I’m doing alright.”

“Oh yeah at this pace you’ll be in level 2 hiphop in no time,” I joke, only laughing harder at the huff Kun lets out. “I wasn’t laughing at you darling, just thinking about how much I love you.” The older boy looks slightly stunned by my confession but he’s beaming from ear to ear within seconds.

“I love you too Sunshine.”

***

“It’s way too salty.”

“I told you the recipe didn’t call for a cup of salt but you wouldn’t listen!!!” I giggle at my exasperated boyfriend before putting the failed noodle dish in the sink.

“Maybe I should hire a better teacher.”

“Good luck finding someone else who’ll tolerate your bullshit like I do,” We both chuckle at that. “Are you available for another date Friday night?”

I pretend to think it over before shrugging, “I suppose I can fit you into my schedule.” Kun glares cutely at me through the screen. “What do you have planned?”

“It’s a surprise.” Kun wiggles his eyebrows for emphasis.

“Sounds mysterious.”

“Well if I recall correctly you love suspense,” Kun muses, “You in?”

“Of course.”

Kun tries to keep up his mysterious demeanor, but the way he visibly lights up at my confirmation is impossible to miss.

“Then I’ll see you in 3 days sunshine.” And with a final wink, he ends the meeting.

Cheeky fucker.

⏳

Finding the patience to wait for Kun’s surprise proved quite challenging. I couldn’t help but mull over what on earth the older man had planned. The existence of the mystery lifted my previously sour mood, but I couldn’t for the life of me solve for x while Kun’s gleeful words raced through my head.

After nearly an hour of staring at the same math question, I decide planning my outfit would be a better use of my time. Considering I have no idea what Kun is planning, I try to pick an outfit that’s casual but also pretty. I didn’t want to overdo it (it’s only a zoom date after all) but I also wanted Kun to know I tried. I tear my closet apart for about 20 minutes before settling on my favorite white tee and jeans. I also opt to do a little makeup, knowing Kun would appreciate it. Showering, makeup, and hair take up the rest of my time and before I know it, it’s time for our zoom date.

It appears I wasn’t the only one looking forward to the date because even though I logged on a whole 5 minutes early, Kun was already waiting to admit me.

“Someone’s excited.” I tease, proud of the light pink that dusts kun’s cheeks

“I’m the host, what’s your excuse?” He chuckles lightly. “You look gorgeous Sunshine.”

“Not so bad yourself,” my teasing tone barely disguises the obvious want in my voice. Cause Kun. Looks. Adorable. It’s not that he’s dressed up, not at all actually. He’s dressed somewhat similarly to me, drowning in a plain collared long sleeve. The sleeves are long enough to cover his hands, giving him sweater paws that make him appear not only soft, but tiny. His chocolate brown hair is mussed up, only adding to the overall image. To top it all off, he seems to be wearing a little bit of lip balm. I have never wanted to kiss someone so bad in my entire life.

“You frozen there lovebug?” Kun’s amused comment breaks me out of my stupor.

“Nope, just enjoying the view,” I wink nonchalantly once again relishing in the blush rising up Kun’s neck. “So what’s your plan?”

“You should be finding out in about…” He checks his watch dramatically, “5 minutes.” I could only giggle in response as I watched my boyfriend, eyes gleaming with mischief. As I may have mentioned previously: Kun is a dork. He enjoys setting up dates a lot (maybe a bit too much). He likes to come up with weird creative ideas for us to try. It’s one of the things I love most about him. And the way his gaze is flitting every which way and his legs are bouncing all over the place is a clear sign that he’s extremely proud of whatever he’s planned.

A few minutes of mindless chitchat later, I hear the doorbell ring. I give Kun a knowing look as he pretends not to know what’s going on. I open the door to see two boxes of take out from my favorite restaurant. I turn to Kun on the screen.

“You didn’t.”

“Oh, but I did sunshine.”

As I open the delicious smelling box I see that he’d gotten my favorite dish as well. He’d remembered every detail of it. A few tears escape my eyes against my will. Kun seems confused and concerned by my reaction, his beautiful features melting into a frown.

“Did I get something wrong? I swear I checked like 8 times to make sure I just--”

“No Kun it’s perfect,” I smile wetly. “You got everything right baby, I’m just really lucky to have you.” Kun nods understandingly grinning to reveal his dimple, and all of a sudden I’m hit with a wave of sadness and longing. I want nothing more than to be there with Kun, to caress his cheeks and bury my head in his chest and kiss the freckle under his brow that I love so much. I’m hit all at once with the realization that I miss being with Kun, and suddenly the tears are streaming down my cheeks. Kun stays silent, patient as always and it only makes me want to cry more.

“I miss you so fucking much,” I whisper between sobs. My vision is far too blurry to see how Kun is reacting to my outburst. “I hate this stupid quarantine, and the stupid virus, and stupid zoom. I just w-want to hug you so bad kunkun.” My voice breaks at the end of my sobs.

“Aw baby, I know. Any time we do these dates I can’t help but miss everything about you. You mean so much to me and not being able to see you has been torture. But don’t worry too much Sunshine. This is not permanent. I’m confident we’ll be able to see each other again.” Kun’s eyes are practically pouring out affection and genuineness.

“I’m sorry for ruining the date.”

“If you don’t hush right now I’m going to find a way to Zoom slap you,” Kun teased. “You have absolutely nothing to apologize for and you haven’t ruined anything. We can just eat and watch a movie together yeah?”

There on my couch, as I lost count of the hours going by with Kun’s voice in my ears: I realized that despite the unideal situation, we’d be okay.

KUNTEN PIC OF THE DAY:

[asagi-s-garden]

It’s time for Dumb Headcanons-

For whatever reason, Kara is the one to carry her and Lena’s first born child, she can’t just vanish for almost a year without saying anything though, I mean what kind of hero would do that?

So she makes a public announcement right after officially finding out that she’s pregnant that she’s “going away for a few months on a personal journey”

Now the thing is, Lena knows her wife, she knows her very well, and she knows that her watching from the sidelines as Alex and the others keep the city safe is going to be incredibly painfull for her, so she decides to take Kara on a vacation for the first few months of pregnancy

Once they get around the second trimester they’re going to have to go into seclusion in a special fortress that Clark and Kate built for her that’s like half Fortress Of Solitude and half Batcave that’s structured to both keep enemies out, and keep Kara in, because they know their girl as well as Lena does (Alex tunes in from skype from time to time to tell them what they’ve done wrong specifically because she knows how crafty Kara is and is just “mmm nope you see that little crack in that wall right there? Yeah she could get through that, I don’t know how, but she could”) Ofcourse freinds and family are welcome to visit because it’d just be cruel otherwise but anyway

Lena knows Kara, she knows that staying cooped up in one place for 5-6 months is going to be hell enough as it is, the full extent of her pregnancy would be a NIGHTMARE, but she also is a little afraid to stay in National City during the first 3-4 months because that would equally be disasterous on Kara’s mental health, seeing shit go down and not being able to help, so she decides to take them on vacation instead, to some of the most peacefull places on Earth, like the New Zealand countryside and a small town in Switzerland and a tiny island that she may possibly own, it seems like a solid plan to begin with, until....

Proof That Lena Luthor Is Supergirl

That’s the headline that starts popping up about four days after they leave and it’s just everywhere, conspiracy theories that Lena is Supergirl because she “vanished“ at the same time that Supergirl left

Kara thinks it’s hilarious, it’s the best laugh she’s had in a week and that’s saying something considering how much time she’s spent watching cute cat videos on the private jet

They have to cut their vacation short so Lena can go back to National City every few weeks, show her face for a few days, and then leave again

Everyone starts making it into an inside joke that they have to be very carefull not to share outside of The Circle of those in the know because otherwise something might slip, Brainy in particular thinks it’s bizarre that Kara just keeps getting more pregnant everytime she comes back and yet somehow no one has tried to pin Lena’s wife, who’s pregnant, as the superhero who has to mysteriously vanish for nine months (because against her better instincts Kara does mention at the press conference that she’ll be returning in June, wich is about nine months from when she announces her departure, somehow no one has picked up on it, until they start with the Lena theory and go “AND HER WIFE IS PREGNANT AND DUE IN JUNE, COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT-” evidently they’ve decided that Lena is leaving because Kara is pregnant, wich isn’t wrong, but still somehow off)

By the time baby Kira Zor El Luthor is born (they made the conscious decision to break from the “L” tradition in Lena’s family only to end up with the “K” tradition in Kara’s completely by accident; their second born will be named Luka and Alex is going to headdesk so hard she bruises) half of National City has started to believe that Lena is Supergirl, somehow, and she and Kara- as Supergirl- have to actually appear together in public and shake hands with people to prove neither one is a hologram before anyone lets the theory die

Other less cohesive headcanons about this insanity-

-Kara insists that she take care of Kira when she wakes up in the middle of the night because to be 100% honest sleep is a luxury, not a necessity, for her- that’s not even being careless with herself, that’s just.... a legitimate fact... she doesn’t really HAVE to sleep very much as long as she’s under the yellow sun so why on earth should she deprive Lena of it???

Lena: Really, it’s ok, I’ve had a lifetime of being denied sleep so at this point I can actually function with out it :)

Kara: That.... that in absolutely no way makes me feel better...... also I have super hearing so I’ll hear her first anyway, there’s no need to wait for you to wake up..

Lena: Oh no that’s fine, I’m hypervigilant and paranoid so I’ll wake up as soon as she starts crying, no superpowers required! :)

Kara: That just makes me feel even worse?????? B-Besides I have a Kryptonian lullaby I can sing to her that works like a charm

Lena: Oh that’s so lovely, I have an old Irish lullaby my mother taught me right before she died that I can’t wait to sing to Kira as the literal only good thing that comes from my family legacy :)

Kara, near tears: ...Have I done something to you today????? ;_;

Lena: ...no?? why???

-The amount of food they go through during Kara’s pregnancy probably could have sustained a small country for atleast a month, it doesn’t seem to matter how much Lena thinks she’s stocking up ahead of time, it’s never enough and she inevitably always has to buy more the very next day, it takes the combined efforts of Barry and Kate to help keep things stocked so Lena isn’t having to constantly be leaving the Bat Fortress (it was the name Kate and Clark finally decided on and no one has the right to veto it no matter how much certain people want to) to restock, they start this Superhero Delivery Service as a Bros Being Bros type of thing, just freinds being freinds and loving their pregnant super freind so very much but after a week it turns into a ruthless competition of what, ultimately, is the better resource- speed or money, Barry has the Speed Force but Kate has every method of transportation imaginable and also drones and by the time Kira is born a rivalry has slowly simmered between them, the likes of wich goes right back to the type of “Who’s faster?” rivalry Barry has with the Supers, that probably won’t end even after they both die, Kara has mixed feelings about being the inadvertent catalyst for this but Nia thinks it’s the best thing that’s ever happened and she and Mary are placing bets

-Lena knows that Kryptonians don’t exactly have the same health issues to worry about that humans do but Kira is going to be atleast part human isn’t she? So Kara has to be willing to step up her health game wile she’s pregnant right??? Nice theory, no dice, Alex tried to warn her but Lena Luthor doesn’t lose and when she wants something she gets it................ unless that something is getting Kara to have a healthier diet, then there’s no force on any planet in any universe that can help

Lena: An apple

Kara: A dozen doughnuts

Lena: One apple

Kara:  ...Sixteen doughnuts

Lena: *gently places an apple on the table*

Kara: ....*stares intensely at the box of doughnuts, unblinking*

Lena: ....What are you doing?

Kara: I wonder if I try hard enough if I can develop telekinesis

Lena: No-

-True panic is Lena taking care of Kira at the office wile Kara is off doing the superheroing for the first time in months (nanny? nope, not in this house, the child never leaves our sight, we die like moms) and Kira starts giggling and levitates out of her bassinet wile Lena is on a conference call so her investors are met with a frantic Lena keeping her voice astoundingly level and clear wile running around the office chasing her floating baby, they mostly just get glimpses of her jacket from time to time and, if they ask, are only met with “I have a child now” and absolutely no other explanation

-For the first time since being on Earth Kara is faced with the cosmic joke that is Earth’s gravity during her late months of pregnancy because everything is wobbly and waddly and holy RAO HOW IS IT SO HARD JUST TO GET OFF OF THE FLOOR!?!?! SHE COULD FLY TWO MONTHS AGO AND NOW IT���S A MAJOR STRUGGLE TO PULL HERSELF OFF OF THE COUCH WHAT THE FUCK!?

-Kate has managed to live through four years of having actual freinds who have started to reproduce and never once has she reacted with more than marginally more interested than what she had during Crisis when Kara tried to hand Jon to her, but in those four years all of those freinds have been straight, to be fair, and there’s something a little different about seeing other lesbians with babies that’s mildly more tolerable, first it was Alex and Kelley, then it was Kara and Lena, Sophie and Mary keep cooing over the babies and Kate doesn’t really get that........ until she’s visiting Kara and an alien attacks and Kara is just “hold my baby-” and flies out the window and Kate is Stuck with a sleeping four-month-old and no ability to get to a phone without waking Kira up so she’s just kind of frozen like that for the foreseeable future and when Kara comes back Kate is laying on the couch, Kira sleeping on her chest, looking incredibly relaxed

Kate: Oh you’re back, we’ve had a lovely time

Kara: Awwwwwwwww, see? You are good with babies <3

Kate: Mmmm still going to have to disagree on that but your’s is... not... bad...

Kara: Sooooooo you’ll babysit sometime? :3

Kate: Nope, this last half hour was enough thanks

Kara: Wait until Sophie hears you lasted an entire half hour ;)

Kate: Just hold off telling her for about fifteen years or so, I don’t think we’re ready to live in a world where I can tolerate this for an entire thirty minutes yet

Kara: lol ok

Years later when she eventually ends up taking after her cousin and having a couple of orphans with her name on them she insists to Sophie that it’s Kara’s fault because “that time she made me hold her kid for half an hour did something to me I just know it”, Kara pops in one day after hearing this and just goes “You’re welcome~” before flying off again

And finally-

Kara: Lena honey I think Kira is a little too young to be getting her first suit tailored...

Lena: But she’s already a year old...???

[palindrome17]

A Beautiful Nightmare ☾ Bang Chan

Genre: non idol!au, slice of life, angst, fluff

Pairing: Chan x Reader (w/ bestfriend!Changbin)

Word Count: 12.2k

Warnings: mental health issues (implied), swearing/cursing, alcohol use, smoking, physical fighting, blood

Synopsis: They say that when you find true love that it’ll last forever. Though, you never knew that forever would come to an end so soon. Your relationship with Chan was at its last breath when you finally decide what to do.

Disclaimer: I do not endorse the use of alcohol or smoking. The use of either is a serious issue if used in excessive amounts. If you or someone you know is going through this issue, please reach out to someone. I did not put these topics in the story to try and glorify the use of them. These are put in to show the negative effects it can cause not just the user, but also the people around them.

➵

Fairy tales about knights and horses, princes and princesses, love and hate seemed like a hazy, distant memory to you. Those days seemed numbered as you grew up. Stories were replaced with facts, fantasy with reality, and pleasant memories with harsh moments. They say that time never stops, it never waits for anyone, it is merciless, and it does not care about your feelings. It didn’t take you long to realize that when your father left you and your mother when you were young. That was the day that you shut down the feeling of love and what it stood for. Your heart grew cold and empty. As the years pressed on, there wasn’t too many people who were able to break you from your aloof demeaner. Though, there was only one person who showed you what love really is, and how to feel it again. How to fall in love with love.

 His name, was Bang Chan.

 You met him through your childhood best friend, Changbin. Really, you should be thanking him for everything. You fit in well with the friend group as you started to open up as a person again. You felt like they accepted you and took you into their group with open arms. Being around them made you feel happier and you thought that nothing could change the moments you had with them. To you, they were your everything. Although, you never imagined that one of the members would ask you out. Chan was what every girl would want their boyfriend to be. He was attractive, funny, insanely talented, kind, and so many more things that made him almost seem like a perfect guy. You didn’t understand why he would want to go out with someone like you. Someone who was so broken and unlovable, certainly nobody would want to love you. Chan, however, was perfect and lovely and everything that you weren’t.

 ➵

 The sun’s rays poured into your bedroom, giving everything a yellow hue. You held onto your warm cup of your favorite drink as the heat warmed your hands. A large comfortable blanket was placed on your lap as you watched your favorite movie for the thousandth time. The chill of autumn knocked on your window, the trees rustling with the cold air. You took a deep breath as you took in the moment of the perfect autumn feeling. Your phone rang beside you as you looked to see that it was a text from Chan.

 Chan: Hey baby. Do you want to go on a date today? It’s a perfect day for one.

 You smiled to yourself as you replied, thinking, he’s too cute.

 You: Sure! What do you want to do?

 Your brain started to think of ideas of what you two could do, but frankly, anything you do with him made you happy.

 Chan: How about going for a walk outside? I know a beautiful place where we can go. I can pick you up in 15minutes if that’s okay.

 You: That sounds like fun! I’ll be ready in time, I promise :)

 You let out a small laugh, remembering the last time you went on a date. You were very late to the meeting place because you accidently fell asleep and forgot to put on the reminder on your phone.

 Chan: You better be on time, or else I’ll just leave you this time :)

 You: I swear, Channie, you leave me and it’s all over :P

 Chan: I promise I won’t ever leave you, baby. Don’t worry. I’ll see you soon <3

 You quickly turned off the movie and started to get ready. You put on your favorite autumn outfit and looked at yourself in the mirror, straightening everything that looks out of place. You stared at yourself, wondering how lucky you were to find someone who loved you no matter what. Chan was the best thing to happen to you for a long time, and you were so grateful for it. You told him every day how much he meant to you, how he made you feel happy, how he made you feel loved again, how he was simply perfect for you. You soon felt a smile grip at your lips at the thought of him. It was soon interrupted by the sound of a knock on your front door. You quickly grabbed your phone from your bed and turned off the lights in your bedroom and rushed to the front door. You opened it and were presented with a casual looking Chan. You smiled as you rushed to hug him. Your figure engulfed by his bear hug around you. You could hear a laugh from him as he just stood there and hugged you.

 “Nice to see you too, baby.” He said teasingly.

 You looked at him with a pout, “What? Can’t I be excited to see my boyfriend?”

 He let go of you and placed his hands on his hips, “No. Absolutely no affection. No excitement.” He said sarcastically.

 “Oh, says the one who hugged me.” You accusingly said as you pushed him in the arm.

 “Hey, I was just making sure you didn’t fall!” Chan laughed as he motioned for your hand, “Lets go, or we’ll be late.”

 You turned to close and lock your door, then looked to him and placed your hand in his, “So, where is this place that you said you’re taking me?” you asked curiously.

 Chan turned around and pulled you along, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll figure it out.” He casually stated with a slight shrug.

 You gave out an audible sigh. You enjoyed a nice surprise, but you also wanted to know where he was taking you.

 The feeling of autumn reverberated throughout the air as the colors of autumn were placed upon the city. The crisp air blending with the feeling of being invincible.  The surrounding buildings flying past you as the car drove on. Your heart started to beat faster with the beat of the music playing on the radio, being completely lost in the moment of bliss. A smile pulled at your face as you glanced to see Chan peeking over towards you.

 You let out a soft laugh, “What’re you looking at? Pay attention to the road.” You pointed at the road.

 Chan simply flashed a smile at you as his eyes looked back toward the road without a word.

 You soon drove out of the city as the scenery changed. An abundance of trees soon filled the entire land. Red, yellow, orange, and brown shades were decorating the earth. You let down the window, the wind playing with the wisps of your hair. The sound of your phone buzzing made your heart jump. The moment ruined, you looked down to see who it was.

 Changbin: hey, I heard that you and Chan are going on a date.

 You gave a quiet scoff as you replied.

 You: Uh, yeah. Why’re you texting me if you know I’m going on a date?

 Changbin: Just to make sure that you’re ok! You’re my best friend. I want to make sure you’re doing good.

 You gave a small scowl, thinking, you fucking idiot.

 You: Yeah, I’m fine. Next time I see you, I’m going to punch you. You’re such a brat Binnie.

 You paused, then smiled a little as you sent another text.

 You: But thanks for checking up on me. Even if you’re a piece of shit <3

 You placed your phone back on your lap as you laid your head against the door again. Closing your eyes to try and get back into the mood.

 “Who texted you?” you heard Chan ask softly.

 “It was just Changbin. Wanted to check up on me.” You replied, eyes still closed.

 You heard his sweet laugh against the radios soft music, “I told them to not bother us while we were out. Guess I’ll have to talk to them when we get back.”

 “It’s fine, Channie. Changbin always wants to make sure I’m alright. Don’t take it personal.” You reassured him.

 “Okay, okay. I understand~ I’m just teasing you.” You felt his hand rest on your thigh.

 You opened your eyes and placed your hand on his, “I love you, Chan.” You spoke gently, eyes on the road ahead.

 “I love you, too.” Chan replied as you could feel him smiling at you.

 You soon arrived at the place Chan was talking about. You read the sign that said High Trails. You looked at him with a huge smile, you love to go on walks. The car soon came to a stop as Chan parked the car. You immediately jumped out of the car and giggled with excitement. You looked around to see a large building and several trails leading into the forest. A car door slam caught your attention as you motioned for Chan to hurry up.

 “C’mon Channie! Let’s go!” you enthusiastically burst out as you grabbed his hand.

 Chan simply rolled his eyes, “I knew you’d like it.”

 You dragged him to the trail map and looked at all the various trails. You decided to go on the one that seemed to be the most scenic.

 “Does that one look good to you?” you asked before leading the way down the trail.

 Chan didn’t answer, which caught you off guard as you turned to him with confusion, “Chan? Is something wrong?”

 He gave you a beautiful smile, “Nothing is wrong, y/n. You’re just too gorgeous to say anything.” He confessed, slightly bashful.

 You felt your face start to grow hot, “Shut up. You’re embarrassing!” you grabbed his hand and lead him down the path without another word.

 The path was freshly cut as the dead leaves laid on the ground. The trees becoming frozen and bare. You heard the crisp crunch at the bottom of your feet as you walked deeper into the forest. The quietness of the atmosphere was calming, in contrast to the rambunctious city. You smiled to yourself as you held onto Chan’s soft hands, thinking how perfect this moment is with him. You heard his low, soft voice of a tune that seemed to be stuck in his head. God you could listen to his voice forever if you could. You glanced over to see a downhill slope. An idea forming in your head.

 “Wanna roll down the hill?” you asked excitedly to Chan, not breaking eye contact with the hill.

 “What are you, five?” he laughed, but then paused, “only if you want to, cause that honestly sounds really fun.”

 You looked him dead in the eye, “Of course I’m five.” You observed back to the hill, “Ready to rock and roll?”

 “I was practically born ready.” Chan replied as he let go of your hand and turned towards the hill.

 You smiled widely, counting down from three. You fell forward and crumpled into a somersault, feeling the cold hard ground mixed with the sound of leaves flying out from under you. You let out a small scream down the hill, slowly getting quieter once you landed at the bottom of the hill. You sat up and looked over at Chan who was equally as happy. His sun kissed hair complemented the colored leaves. Chan’s eyes were closed as he laughed, arms stretched out with hands opened wide. You smiled at the scene you were witnessing. He soon opened his eyes slowly as you locked eyes with him. The birds chirping echoed through the woods as he propped himself up by his elbows.

 “Wow, that was so much fun. It feels like forever since I’ve done something like that.” Chan gave a toothy grin at you.

 You nodded your head, “Yeah, me too.” You spoke softly.

 You laid down beside him on the ground as you looked up at the blue blanket of sky, tree branches hovering above you. You heard Chan lay back down with the crunch of leaves. The sounds of nature submerging you into a trance as you laid there with him. You let out a sigh, getting lost in your thoughts.

 “Hey, Chan?” you questioned.

 “Yeah, baby?” he replied.

 You took a pause, “What do you envision when you think of the future?”

 “Well,” he started, taking your hand is his, “I imagine you being by my side. I imagine living in a nice house. I imagine our friends being as close as we are right now. I imagine a life where everything is good.”

 You gently rubbed your fingers against his knuckles as you processed his words, “I do too, Channie. Though, I do have another question for you.” You stopped and looked towards him.

 “Go on.” He assured you.

 You looked back towards the sky, “Why have you been so kind to me? When I was at my lowest, you somehow showed me how to love again.”

 There was a long pause after you spoke. The silence almost deafening.

 “The day I first met you,” Chan finally said, “I thought to myself, how can I make this girl mine? You were so beautiful, lovely, charming, just… so many things and I just fell for you.”

 You felt a small drop in your stomach, “But I wasn’t what you needed. I was so messed up and broken. I felt like I was nothing.” You slowly added, “I’m not good for you at all, Chan.”

 You heard Chan sit up and look at you in a serious manner, “Don’t say that. Don’t you dare ever say that, y/n. You’re the best thing to happen to me, you’ve taught me so many things... you make me happy. Don’t ever think that you’re not enough.” He slowly leaned down towards you, “I love you so much.”

 He closed the gap between you two, his soft lips sweet and passionate. You leaned into the kiss, reciprocating the feelings. You felt his hand cup your cheek in a loving embrace. You soon broke the kiss, letting in a small breath of air. You opened your eyes to see Chan gazing at you with starry eyes.

 “I love you, Chan.” You replied with a wide smile.

 Though, that moment seemed like a distant memory to you now.

 ➵

 You slowly opened your eyes to be greeted by the brightness penetrating through your blinds. You squinted your eyes to try and read your alarm clock, hoping that you haven’t slept for too long.

 14:28

 You let out an audible groan as you rolled over to your other side. Fuck… I don’t even want to get up. You pulled your warm covers up over you again as you tried to avoid the sunlight like the plague. An obnoxious loud ringing suddenly emitted from your phone. You let out a loud curse word as you sat up and looked to see who was calling. It was Changbin. You felt a small scowl forming as you picked up the phone.

 “Hey Binnie. What do you want?” you asked, almost stumbling over your words.

 “Did you just get up, y/n? It’s the afternoon, you should’ve been up already.” He questioned, sounding concerned.

 You paused, trying to think of an answer, “No, no. I’ve been up, I promise. I was just up late last night, and I couldn’t fall asleep, that’s all.”

 “Y/n you’ve been doing this to me for a while now. This seems like it’s becoming a regular occurrence now.” Changbin stated, almost in a scolding way, “I’m coming over. We need to talk.”

 The call ended with that and left you with a pit at the bottom of your stomach. Shit, what does he wanna talk about? I don’t want to talk to him right now. What’s he gonna say to me? Dammit, why do I feel so scared? You quickly got out of your bed and got dressed in some lazy clothes. You opened your blinds to see the soft petals of spring falling gracefully to the ground outside. You quickly ran out of your room and grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the kitchen table. Your hands scraping the edges of the box, finding the opening and taking a cigarette out. Your hand then glided across the table to pick up the lighter as you walked out onto your tiny back deck. You slowly lit your cigarette between your lips, and you puffed out the toxic smoke. You set down the lighter on the small table outside as you looked out into the city. You took a deep breath as you tried to slow down your heart. A buzz from your phone alarmed you as you jumped a little. It was a text from Changbin.

 Changbin: Please come open your apartment door. I look like a weird stalker standing here.

 You took a drag as you read the text message. You didn’t like smoking in the apartment because the scent would linger inside. Honestly, you didn’t really remember when you even started smoking in the first place, but you hate that you’re doing it. You glanced down at your cigarette gently placed between your two fingers, then behind you as you tried to decide what to do. You gritted your teeth as you opened your backdoor with cigarette in hand and walked inside. The slight creek in the floorboards echoed your lingering footsteps. You grabbed the doorknob, taking a drag before opening the door. You tried to give a smile to Changbin, but you had trouble doing so. Changbin only stood there and looked at you, running his fingers through his pitch-black hair.

 “Hey. What do you want me to talk about?” you asked as you stepped aside, letting him walk inside.

 He walked in and took a seat at your little kitchen table, “Why don’t you sit down, then I’ll start to talk.” He gave you an odd expression, one you haven’t seen before.

 You closed the door and went to sit across from him, “Why’d you come and see me?” you questioned, almost feeling intimidated by his concentration on you.

 He took a sigh, “Well,” he glanced down at the pack of smokes on the table, “we haven’t seen you for a few days, maybe it’s been a week now, but we all were wondering where you’ve been. Why do you seem to be hiding from us?”

 You placed your lips around the cigarette, then took it out as smoke exuded from your lips.

 “Sorry about that,” You muttered, sounding almost insincere. “but no one is perfect. Why would you ask me that anyway? You know I’m going through some things right now.” you added with bitterness in your voice.

 Changbin crossed his arms and placed them on the table, “I’m aware of what’s been happening, y/n, and I’m sorry that you’re going through this.” He leaned forward and grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the table, “But this? This isn’t who you are. You know these are bad for you, right?”

 You gave him a tired expression as you frowned slightly, “I’m aware its bad for me, but it’s too fucking early for this.” You got up and extinguished your cigarette in the ash tray, then walked away towards your bedroom.

 You could hear Changbin angerly follow as his footsteps pounded on the ground. You sat down on your floor and looked up at Changbin who gave you a disappointed look. He sat down across from you, crossing his legs like a child would.

 “I care about you. I hope you know that.” Changbin said seriously, “I’ve known you for a long time, ever since we were young kids. And I hate to see you this way. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to see you go down a path that you may regret in the future.”

 You stayed silent, thinking of what to say, “I don’t think I can make it.” You finally said, “Things seem to be going downhill for me. Chan and I are taking a break right now, so that’s fun. I miss him so fucking much it hurts. Whatever, I don’t even care anymore. Fuck everything, am I right?”

 Changbin could only look at you with a saddened expression, “Where is the old you? The one who persevered through tough situations? The one who loves to go out exploring into dangerous territories? The one who would smile and laugh and love living life? Where is the y/n I grew up with?” he grabbed your hand and held it in his.

 You stared at your hands placed in his, “I don’t remember who I use to be. Things have been so fucked up lately. I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know what to do now.” You tried to pull away from Changbin’s grip, but you couldn’t, “What are you doing, Binnie?”

 “You’re not going anywhere, y/n. You need to seriously talk with me, and don’t give me that bullshit of not wanting to burden me with your problems. I hate when you do that because it makes me feel incapable as a friend.” Changbin said as nicely as he could, “The other boys feel that way too lately. Like whatever we try to do, you just seem to keep pushing us away.”

 You felt your heart break as he spoke those words, like a million pieces of glass shattered into your heart. You felt pain and guilt wash over you like a wave in the ocean. You looked down from his gaze at you as you felt ashamed of even being near him. Tears started to form as your thoughts echoed through your head.

 Why don’t you just tell him?

Why can’t you tell him anything?

Why don’t you be honest?

Why’re you so scared?

He’s trying to help.

Why can’t you see that?

He is putting in so much effort and you’re giving him nothing.

You’re a horrible friend.

Why can’t you do anything?

 You felt tears start to fall down your cheeks like a slow and steady rain. Your face getting red from shame. You couldn’t hold it back anymore. You felt your voice hitch as you started crying in front of him. Your mind completely blank but running wildly. You slowly leaned into Changbin’s chest as you felt his strong arms around you for comfort. You let out a cry as he stayed silent, rubbing his hands against your arms. The pale light of the day quietly shined through your window. The floating dust catching the light and drifting along the space of the room.

 “What’s wrong with me?” you muttered with a tear stained face, looking up to see Changbin’s comforting expression.

 “Nothing is wrong with you…” Changbin said softly with a smile, “You just need a little push is all.” he lightly laughed as he shook your body by the shoulders.

 You let out a small laugh, “Thanks Binnie. For everything.” You gave a tired look but managed to show a tiny grin.

 “Here, let’s sit on the couch and watch movies together, huh? We can watch whatever you want. I’m not going to leave you today.” He stood up and dragged you out of your bedroom and into your living room.

 You sat down on the couch as you watched him do all the work. Your mind seemed to be foggy from crying, so you weren’t up to much talking too much.

 He was searching through your DVD drawer to find any movies that you may enjoy, but then looked at you, “What movie do you want to watch?”

 A memory suddenly occurred to you, almost in a flashback kind of sense. You looked at Changbin as you remembered a time where you two were much younger and spent every waking moment together. You and him always watched movies at your house, wasting entire days, but having fun, nevertheless. You felt a small pain in your chest as the memory soon began to fade away. A longingness pulled at your heart almost made you cry again.

 Changbin gave you a confused look, “You okay, y/n? You just kinda spaced out.”

 “Yeah, yeah. I’m okay. I just… remembered something from a long time ago, that’s all.” you confessed with a droopy smile, “but any movie will do.” you gave a shrug, pulling up a blanket over you.

 “Alright.” He replied, lingering his stare at you before pulling out your favorite comedy movie, “How about having a good laugh?”

 He put in the movie and hopped beside you on the couch. He pouted to you, but you just rolled your eyes and invited him to get under the blanket with you. You always knew what he wanted, even by just the way he looks at you. You suppose it was just because you know him so well. He made himself seem small as he curled up beside you, leaning his head on your shoulder. You smiled to yourself, thinking that you don’t deserve someone as caring as Changbin. You watched the movie with him, knowing almost all the lines due to watching it so many times. Laughing made you almost forget about how much shit is going on in your life.

 You fell quiet during the movie, “Hey, Binnie?”

 He leaned up from you as he looked towards you, “Yeah?”

 “My father finally decided to reach out to me and try to talk to me, but I keep declining his offer. I don’t ever remember what he fucking looks like.” You stated, tucking your legs closer to your chest.

 “Your father? How did he even find you?” Changbin gave a strange look.

 You shrugged, “Probably my mother. He used to send holiday cards to me when I still lived with my mother. Though, the letters eventually stopped, and I didn’t know why.” You glanced at him, “He wants me to go out of the country to meet him at his new home.”

 Changbin tilted his head slightly, “I know you weren’t close with your father, but have you considered going to see him?” he said slowly.

 “At first I thought about going, but then I was reminded how much of an asshole he was for leaving me and my mother.” You replied in spite.

 He nodded his head, “That’s understandable. But he seems to be trying to make up for it now.”

 You stayed silent, “I don’t care, Binnie. He hurt me and my mother, so, I don’t care to see him right now.” You looked back at the movie, “Forget I even brought it up. I want to try and have at least a half good day today.”

 Changbin didn’t say a word as he leaned back onto you, focusing on the movie again. You gave out a sigh as you watched the rest of the movie. The soft outside sunlight glistened in the room, hovering midair as it illuminated. A black screen appeared on the tv screen as the credits started to roll. Changbin got up from his position of tiny person beside you as he walked over to the tv to take the DVD out of the DVD player. He placed the disc back into the DVD case and in the drawer. You tossed the blanket aside as you watched him look at you with a goofy smile. You looked at him and gave a laugh.

 “What’re you smiling about?” you asked.

 “It’s just… we haven’t hung out like this for a while. But it was really nice to be with you again.” He replied, not giving up the goofy smile on his face.

 You felt a joyful smile pull at your lips, but a sad feeling pulls at your heart, “Yeah, it feels nice to be with you again like old times.” You paused but then added, “Maybe next time you should invite the rest of the boys here so we can have a movie night.”

 Changbin nodded vigorously at your suggestion, “Yes! That sounds like a great idea.” He got up and tackled you on the couch, laughing, “How’re you so smart?”

 You laughed as you felt a heavy weight topple over you, “I was just born smart!” you teased him, trying to fight back, but knowing damn well you would lose to him.

 He simply laid on top of you to make you stop resisting, “I’m happy to see you smiling again, y/n. Even if you are a brat.” You felt his arms embrace you in a gentle hug.

 You slowly placed your arms around him, “Yeah. I could agree.”

 ➵

 The sound of the loud city cried out against the dead of night. You never noticed how beautiful Seoul was until now. The lights illuminating the surrounding area, giving off so much light it was almost blinding. You sat on a chair on your back deck, taking a smoke break. You put the cigarette to your lips as you saw the small red fire at the end of it. The thought of nothing and everything started racing in your head as you simply sat there. Everything seemed to be in rapid slow motion to you. The feeling of loneliness started to creep in your mind as emptiness started to fill your heart. You looked at your phone to see the group chat with the boys were flooding your notifications. A small smile started to take shape as you read through the long line of messages. You loved to see them talk about whatever. You went to go and type something, but you quickly deleted the message. Shit, what do I even say to them? ‘Hi, what’s up? You haven’t seen me for weeks but I’m doing perfectly fine. Don’t come and try to talk to me because I’ll just end up hurting you, cause that seems like the only thing I can do. Hahaha I’m so very funny. Well, goodnight.’ Yeah cause that’ll go over nicely. Stupid piece of shit. You lifted your cigarette to your lips again. You gazed down into the burning fire at the end of it, hating every part of the cigarette. You extinguished the rolled-up cancer in the ash tray placed on the table. There was about a half dozen in the tray. You frowned, why am I like this? All I do is self-sabotage myself. The ringing of your phone snapped you out of the trance, you saw it was an old friend of yours.

 “Hey, Jihyun! What’s going on with you? It feels like I haven’t seen you in a while.” You asked happily.

 “Oh, nothing much, really. Hey, so… I know you’re not big into parties, but I’m hosting one at my house tonight. I was wondering if you’d like to stop over?” she said loudly, trying to be louder than the background music.

 You thought for a moment, “It sounds like the party already started.” You yelled back, “But I’m free right now to stop by and spend a few hours there.”

 “Oh yes!” Jihyun yelled excitedly, “Alright, I’ll see you soon then?”

 “Yeah. I’ll be over soon.” You replied as you hung up.

 Fuck. Why’d I say I’d go to the party? I don’t really want to go. Maybe I’ll have a few drinks to help me. Knowing her she’ll definitely have alcohol. You got up from your chair and headed back inside. You walked back into your room to change outfits. The closet was filled with various types of clothes, but you weren’t too sure what to wear. You decided on a casual but fancy look as you grabbed your phone and keys and walked out your door. Once you got outside your apartment building, you called for a taxi to come and drive you. You laid your head back on the head rest as you closed your eyes, feeling a sense of tiredness before you even entered the party. You opened your eyes to see that you arrived at her house, you kindly payed the taxi driver and got out. You stood at the entrance of the mansion-like house. You remembered her house to be large, but you didn’t remember it being this big. The loud thumping of the base pounded against the walls, almost completely audible from outside. Thank god she lives away from everyone else, or she would be getting a lot of calls right now. You knocked on the door a few times, waiting for someone to answer it. It soon dawned on you that the people inside probably couldn’t hear the knock.

 “Idiot.” you said out loud to yourself.

 You took your phone out and called Jihyun to come and open the door for you. The quiet waiting was getting annoying as you stood there for what seemed like forever until the door finally opened. You were greeted by the blasting of music coming through the door and your friend with a glass of something in her hand.

 “Oh my god, y/n!” she hugged you tightly, “It’s been forever since I’ve seen you! How have you been?” she yelled against the pounding music.

 You smiled, “I’ve been doing pretty good!” you walked into the mansion, “But have you thought about turning down the music so I can hear you?” you questioned.

 “I guess it is a little loud,” she agreed, “here come follow me. I want to catch up with you!” she walked away, presumably to turn down the music.

 You followed in her footsteps, answering her questions when she asked them. You glanced around at the seemingly hundreds of people inside, all dancing and talking to each other. The decorations around the house gave it almost like a ‘classic teen romance party movie’ vibe. The entire mansion had a deep aroma of alcohol. You could tell there was a dimness to all the rooms you passed, because you could barely make out the faces on people. The loud music almost made it to where you could barely hear conversations as you continued to follow Jihyun. You finally reached a small room down the corridor of hallways, probably where the music was being played from throughout the house. You saw her turn down the music slightly to where it was still loud enough to hear, but able to concentrate on a conversation. Jihyun turned out of the room and back into the hallway, she looked towards you.

 “Wow, it’s so nice to see you again, y/n.” she smiled widely.

 You laughed a little in agreement, “Yeah, it’s nice to come to a party once in a while.”

 “Here, let me get you a drink.” She offered, “What do you like?” she started to walk away towards the kitchen where the beverages are being served.

 “Oh, it doesn’t really matter. I’m not picky.” You assured her.

 The kitchen was large and full of people. Glass and fancy décor were strewn all about the kitchen. The scent of alcohol was overwhelming, but for obvious reasons. The bar area was particularly crowded as you weaved your way through. You placed your hands on the counter as you looked at the bar tender, ordering your go to drink for parties. The glass hit the table, making a noticeable clank. You quickly took it and tried to get away from the crowd.

 “Let’s go sit down somewhere.” She suggested, leading you like always.

 You nodded, “Yeah, that seems nice.”

 She easily snaked through the ocean of people, occasionally asking how the party was to the people you passed. Frankly, you didn’t know anyone there, which made you feel like the odd one out. You took a deep breath and drank some of your drink, hoping it would make you feel a little better. You entered to what seemed like a “VIP” area. The dark luxurious expensive looking couches and daunting glass table was intimidating to you. The large window behind everything gave a distant view of the city’s lights. The room felt huge, but there weren’t as many people in here as other areas in the house. Jihyun found a cozy spot on one of the couches next to her other friends, leaving you in the doorway. Your eyes scanned the room, finding a place to sit. Suddenly your heart stopped mid-beat as you locked eyes with him.

 His name was Park Hajoon and he was the last person you ever wanted to lay eyes on.

 You felt frozen in place as he looked at you with a smile, seemingly forgetting everything he has done to you. Hajoon was surrounded with people but he didn’t dare look away from you. His styled jet-black hair and strong facial features ostensibly haven’t changed since high school. Though, you knew his personality probably hasn’t changed much either. Your knees felt weak and a heavy drop in your stomach. Shit. Oh, fuck why is he here!? God, I wish I never saw him. Damn it all. Fucking shit! Just leave. Right now. Your hand started to slightly shake as your feet were bolted to the ground. Your throat felt dry as you saw him finally get up from his seat and walk towards you.

 “Y/n? Is that you?” he questioned, looking at you with a slightly tilted head, “Wow, I haven’t seen you since graduation. How have you been?” he gave you a hug, which you tried not to freak out.

 You reciprocated the hug, trying to calm down your beating heart, “Yeah. It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I’ve been doing fine, though. Nothing much.” You tried to keep it calm and casual.

 “Here, why don’t you sit down with me.” He offered as he walked to sit back down where he was originally.

 Your feet felt like they became rocks as you dragged them across the hard wood floor. You felt your vision blur and then come back into focus as you sat down beside Hajoon. You tried to become small and unnoticeable as you took a big gulp of your drink, trying to not freak out. Conversations were floating around the room, ranging from various topics. You felt a nudge on your arm, and you looked over.

 “Why so tense? Don’t you trust me?” he questioned, giving you a reassuring smile, “Here, I’ll get you another drink and then we can catch up.” Hajoon took your empty glass and walked out.

 You quickly got up out of your seat and marched over to Jihyun and looked at her in the eyes.

 “Jihyun! You didn’t tell me Hajoon was here!” you scolded, “I haven’t seen him since high school.”

 She looked at you surprised, “I’m sorry, y/n. I honestly didn’t know he was here either. I thought you would’ve gotten over the fact that he was your bully.”

 You frowned, a knot in your stomach forming, “No, Jihyun. I haven’t seen him to even try and make up.” You paused, getting more anxious, “It’s just that now he is here, and every time I see him, I get scared. I get all the memories of all the bad things he’s done to me. I remember every insult and action he did to me.”

 “Well,” she started, “why don’t you try and make up now? While he’s here so you can move on?” she suggested with a small smile.

 You slowly nodded your head, “I’ll try. Thanks.”

 “Just remember, if you need backup or help, just look at me. I’ll understand right away and kick him out.” Jihyun said confidently.

 Not a moment passed once you sat down that Hajoon came back into the room. He sat down and gave you a new drink that you’ve never seen before.

 “Here. It’s one of my personal favorites.” He laughed.

 You took the odd liquid and smelled it, it was a very strong drink, “Oh, thanks.” You took a rather large sip and almost coughed, “What the hell? Its foul, Hajoon!”

 He shook his head, “Probably should’ve gotten you something else, huh? It’s more of an acquired taste.” He peered into the dark liquid in your glass, “So, what have you been doing since high school?”

 “Nothing too major. I’m just doing some temporary work until I can find the job I want to do.” you casually responded, “What about you?” you placed the glass down on the table.

 “Well,” he ran his hand through his hair slowly, “I recently became one of the CEO’s of POSCO.” He leaned closely to your ear, “My father knew a guy to help me get the job. So, it’s not like I should take all the credit.” He whispered with a small smirk.

 You felt spite burn in your soul, “Why’d you tell me that?” you questioned with a hint of attitude.

 “Just being friendly is all.” he shrugged, “We were classmates after all. Besides, sharing secrets is what’s beautiful about life.” He took his drink from the table and took a swig.

 “So, is that why you knew so many things about everyone in the school?” you frowned, hate flowing through your veins.

 He laughed, “Sometimes it’s who you know, not what you know.” His fingers tracing the design of the glass, “It really is survival of the fittest in this world, wouldn’t you agree?”

 You felt a slight headache forming, perhaps from the alcohol, “How come you’re such an asshole, even now?” you spat angerly.

 “What the hell, y/n?!” he gave you a serious look, “I’m just trying to be a better person than who I was before! Why’re you bringing up the past?”

 “Hajoon, do you not remember what you did to me? How you made my life a living hell every day for three years straight?!” you got up quickly, maybe a little too quickly, “Maybe you need a reminder. Do you remember when you and your friends dumped dirty cleaning water on me during lunch? Or maybe when you decided to spread rumors about me and how I was a slut and a whore? That I was sleeping around with all the guys in our school?” you felt the room start to spin when you talked, you always hated drinking too much.

 Hajoon stood up in front of you, you almost forgot how tall he was, “What the fuck, y/n?! You wanna play the victim here!? Go ahead.” His hands formed into fist and he had an angry look to him, “I will admit that I was a bully, and what I did was wrong. Don’t you think for a moment that I was let off the hook for it. My parents were disappointed in me every day for the things I did.”

 “Oh bullshit, Hajoon! Your parents adored you, and you knew it.” You felt a fire burning inside, “You could get away with anything and just pay off the people to let you off the hook. You had everything you ever wanted, so it gave you a free pass to be a complete asshole jerk!”

 You felt the room slowly get quiet from the scene you were making. The music still blasting throughout. You looked towards Jihyun for assistance, but you knew she would be no help. This was a fight you had to go through.

 Hajoon smirked ever so slightly, “Yeah, at least my parents loved me, unlike yours.” He seemingly towered over you, making you feel small, “You were the one who picked this fight with me, but let’s just drop it, darling.”

 You felt sick to your stomach. You knew he got you pegged. His stupid face said it all. You felt your heart start to race as if it was going to explode, your brain pounding against your skull. You felt the room start spinning out of control, your vision starting to blur. You rushed out of the room in a hurry, searching for the nearest bathroom to puke. The loud music rang through your ears, disrupting your panicked thoughts. Fuck this. Fuck this so hard. Dammit it. Dammit it all. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate- you finally found a bathroom and fell into it. There were ambient lights strung up around the room, giving off enough light to barely see everything. You closed and locked the door and knelt to the toilet. You placed your head right at the entrance of the seat, hands on the sides, ready to throw up everything. You felt your stomach pulse up through your body. You felt something come up, finally. It felt like a long time before you finally got everything out. You felt physically tired afterwards. You flushed the toilet and washed your hands. Your eyes gazed up to the mirror and you saw your reflection. You never realized how tired you looked around the eyes. You touched your cheek and that’s when you felt something snap in your head. Tears started to fall down your face. You tried hard to muffle your screams against the music banging against the walls. You slowly slid down one of the empty walls and place your hands over your mouth. You felt so tired. Everything was going wrong in your life. You felt like nothing anymore.

 Why is everything so shit for me now? Why can I not feel better anymore? Why did Chan and I split? Why is my life not going right anymore? Why can’t I become better? Why do I feel like shit? Why can’t I do anything right? I’m done. I can’t anymore. I feel too tired anymore. I hate myself.

 The tears started to stop as you took a few shaky breaths, trying to calm down. You felt physically and emotionally exhausted. Your brain felt fried as you sat on the bathroom floor. You didn’t feel like going back out to the party. It would be too depressing. The music felt distant to you, like you were underwater listening to it. Everything felt null and void.

 “Fuck this shit. Life sucks, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” You muttered to yourself out loud, hoping it would make you feel less alone.

 You slowly got up from the floor and noticed the lavished white bathtub. You climbed into it carefully and sat there for a moment with your thoughts. You took out your phone to call Changbin.

 After a few rings, there was an answer, “Hey, y/n. Is everything alright?” he questioned.

 You took a deep breath, “Honestly, no. Nothing is okay right now. Can you come and pick me up from my friend’s house?”

 “Of course, I’ll come over. What happened?” he sounded concerned.

 “I uh…” you stopped, trying to think of a way to explain the events that happened, “I just met Park Hajoon. You remember him from high school, right? Well, he’s at this party and I just fled to the bathroom. So, that’s where I’m at. It’s just depressing here now, that’s all.”

 “Wait, you saw Park Hajoon at this party? Shit… did he do anything to you?” you could hear a little aggravation in Changbin’s voice.

 “No, nothing happened. But he was just trying to be friendly towards me, that’s all. Though, I snapped on him and uh… he didn’t take it too well.” You explained, “I’ll just tell you more when you get here.”

 You heard a car door being slammed in the background, “Alright, I just got in my car, and I’m on my way to get you. I’ll just use your locations to get to the house, so just sit tight. Maybe we can get something to eat.” He suggested, trying to make you feel better.

 You felt a hint of a smile start to form, “Yeah, maybe.” You said, almost at a whisper.

 “Alright. I’ll see you soon. Just hang tight, y/n.” Changbin said and hung up.

 You placed your phone back and leaned your head back, trying to relax from everything. You soon heard a knock on the door after what seemed like forever. You got out of the bathtub and unlocked the door and opened it to be greeted by a familiar face.

 “You wouldn’t believe how many bathrooms I had to search to find you.” Changbin said as he tried to give you a smile.

 You were in no mood to smile, all you wanted was to go home, “Really? I’m sorry.” You apologized.

 Changbin suddenly wrapped his arms around you in a comforting hug, “It’s okay. Don’t apologize.” He let go and grabbed your hand, “Here, let’s go.”

 You could only nod as you were being dragged throughout the house. The noise almost deafening to your ears. Your vision could only look towards the ground; you didn’t want to speak to anyone, nor did you want to see anyone but Changbin. Your grip tightened as you almost felt yourself on the verge of crying again. You almost ran into Changbin as he suddenly stopped. You looked at him as you snapped out of your daze. You followed his gaze as you saw Hajoon walk towards you. You felt yourself wanting to disappear more and more with each step he took. Changbin stepped in front of you and glared at Hajoon, trying to be more menacing despite the difference in height.

 “Y/n! Your leaving so soon?” Hajoon asked, ignoring Changbin in front of him.

 “Shut up, Hajoon. She’s not going to speak to you.” Changbin spat, getting increasingly agitated.

 Hajoon only gave a small pout, “What? Can’t I say goodbye to y/n?” he spoke, almost teasingly.

 “No. We’re leaving now. I hope you’re happy knowing how much of a piece of shit you are.” Changbin walked away, pulling you along to the front door.

 Before you could exit, you heard Hajoon make one last snark remark, “I bet you fuck that entire group, y/n. Or maybe you suck all their dicks and that’s the only reason why they let you hang out with them.”

 You felt your heart sink from his words, though, in a matter of seconds it was replaced with deep hatred. Fuck Hajoon. Those are my best friends he’s talking about. Dammit, I’m going to kill him. I don’t care anymore. You turned around and walked over to him.

 “The fuck you say to me, Hajoon?” you gritted your teeth, your last straw almost to the breaking point.

 Hajoon only gave you a proud smirk, “Oh, you heard me, y/n. You definitely heard me.”

 You soon felt yourself swing a punch to wipe the proud smirk off his face. Your hand felt slight pain as you made contacted with his face. You saw him stagger back and looked at you with surprise. Without a moment’s hesitation, you leaped towards him as you two landed with a loud thud to the ground. Your heart rate pulsing out of your chest. Punching whatever you could of him, the pain soon increasing but it wasn’t much of a bother. You felt too much hate to care about the pain. Hajoon retaliated and used his stronger body build to throw you off him. You felt pain in your back as you were now the one on the ground. You could faintly hear the crowd in a ruckus from the fighting. A heavy weight was crushing you as you tried to get him away from you. Your vision was blurry, but your senses could tell that with every punch he gave you, it felt like fire being burned on your face. Soon, you felt the weight being lifted off you as you were dragged back up on your feet. You saw Hajoon struggling with two other guys holding him back. You looked over to see Changbin holding you up right. Your gaze shifted back to Hajoon; you noticed the damage you made on him. His lip was swollen, and you could notice where a bruise on his pretty face will form later tonight. You wanted to see him bloodier, though, he looked fucked up from what you saw. You felt proud of yourself as you were being dragged out of the house and to Changbin’s car. Still, you couldn’t look away from the screaming Hajoon, still being held back by the two guys. The door soon closed as you turned your attention to a worried Changbin.

 “Honestly, y/n, do you even think about what you do?” he asked, almost angry as he helped you into his car.

 You kept quiet until he got into the car and stared the engine, “For as long as you’ve known me, Binnie, when have I ever thought about what I was doing?” you scoffed.

 Changbin drove off with his wheels spinning away from the nightmare of a house, “You could’ve gotten seriously hurt. I’m not happy that you chose to fight him, but,” he glanced at you with a small smile, “you did get a good number of punches on him.”

 You couldn’t help but laugh, “Yeah, I guess I did.”

 While you were calming down from the rush of fighting, you felt something flow down your nose. You lifted your hand away from your nose and saw fresh blood on your hand.

 “Shit. I didn’t even realize my nose my bleeding.” You said aloud, pulling down the car’s sun visor and looking in the mirror.

 Your nose didn’t appear broken, but it hurt like a bitch. Your face looked relatively okay, but you knew you would feel it in the morning.

 “Yeah, but you still look fine. I gotta say though, I’m a little surprised that you still managed to look good.” He said with a shrug.

 You flipped the sun visor back up, “I suppose so. But it’ll hurt tomorrow. Can you stay at my apartment for a little and help me look less fucked up?”

 “I guess I could spare you a few hours. I was supposed to hang out with Seungmin, but I guess he can wait.” Changbin complained like a child.

 “Yeah, I think I’m a little more important than them right now.” You teased, trying to wipe the blood off your face.

 He didn’t respond immediately, “Why did you fight Hajoon? I know he said some things about our group, but that wasn’t worth fighting about. I can take an insult.”

 “I couldn’t handle the hateful and wrong remarks he made about you or the other guys. I couldn’t take it from him. He was fucking wrong anyway, which made me so upset that I just, couldn’t hold it in anymore.” You slowly spoke, “I guess I just got too tired of him being an asshole that I wanted him to shut up.”

 “Thank you, y/n.” he said quietly, “For sticking up for us. You know we all still love you, right? We all wish you can come back to us. So, when you’re ready, we’ll be waiting for you, alright?”

 You felt hurt from his words, in your heart you longed to go back to them, though, you didn’t know if you could. You felt a painful smile start to creep on your face.

 “Does Chan still love me? After the big fight and everything that happened afterwards, do you think he still loves me?” you asked, almost not wanting to know the answer.

 Changbin paused, “I’ve never seen Chan love someone more than you, y/n. And that’s the truth.” He responded, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new end.”

 You knew he was right, but it still hurt. You took out your phone and called Chan. You never spoke to him since the fight, but you never wanted to talk to him more than at this one moment. The ringing continued, but it soon went to his voicemail.

 Hello! This is Chan. I’m sorry I couldn’t answer your call right now, but I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as possible.

 The beep rang clear in your ear, ready to take your message. You looked outside of the car’s window, seeing the city lights shine bright.

 You stuttered, “H-hey. This is y/n, but you probably already know that by the sound of my voice. I know this must be weird to hear from me after so long but… I just wanted to say hello. How’re you? I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re eating good and resting a lot.” You spoke, almost in a wistful sadness, “I just wanted to say… I miss you. I miss the days we use to laugh together. I miss the way you smiled at the dumbest things. I miss the way we made each other better. I know you don’t feel the same way about me. But I just needed to tell you, just in case.” You hung up and almost felt the need to cry.

 “I think your message reached him, y/n.” Changbin spoke after the quietness.

 Your heart broke as the sound of his words as you let it out. Your face becoming tear stained as your voice became numb and raw. You never knew you would miss someone as bad as him. You didn’t even realize that you were at your apartment when Changbin opened the car door. He led you through all the way to your bathroom. He said nothing, but you knew he was comforting you. You cleaned yourself up from the dried blood, looking at the mess you are in the mirror. You simply walked away and went straight to your bed, covering yourself in the warm sheets.

 “Y/n. I’m staying here for the night. Just in case you need me for anything, please wake me up. I’ll just be on the couch. I’ll tell Seungmin that I can’t make it tonight.” Changbin petted your head with a faint smile.

 “Okay. Thank you.” You managed to say as he left.

 A wave of tiredness flowed through you as you felt your eyes slowly close. Your vision becoming cloudy. You wanted nothing more than to sleep away the night.

 ➵

 You felt your body start to wake up, though, the pain in your body said differently. A curse word flew from your mouth as you felt pain course through your face and hands. You sat up and walked out of your bedroom to get a drink to help the feeling of being shitty. As you walked out of your bedroom, you saw a tuft of blonde hair sticking up from your couch. You slowly walked towards your living room and looked at your couch. You were speechless to see that it was Chan on your couch. He looked almost peaceful resting, though, it’s been a while since you’ve seen him.

 “Chan?” you lightly pushed him to try and wake him up.

 He slowly lifted his head and looked up at you, “Y/n!” he suddenly leaned up, “I know this must be weird to see me here. I heard your voicemail last night, and I got a text from Changbin telling me what happened, so I came down to your apartment right away. I told him that I could take over for him, and uh… that’s why I’m here.” Chan spoke quickly.

 You rubbed your head, “Okay, okay. Whatever. It’s early and I don’t know what you said.” You walked away, going to get a drink from the kitchen, “I don’t even remember the voicemail.”

 You heard Chan get up and follow you to the kitchen. The sound of the chair being pulled squeaked across the floor. You got a glass of water and sat down across from Chan. You noticed that he looked more tired than usual, like he wasn’t getting enough sleep.

 “I-I didn’t know you smoked, y/n.” Chan looked down at the pack of cigarettes on the table.

 You took a sip of water, “Yeah, I do now. But I don’t want to anymore. I hate that I started though.” You regretfully said.

 There was silence growing between you with each second that passed. You didn’t want to ask, but you knew that you should.

 “Chan, what did I say to you over the voicemail?” you questioned, “I was too emotional to know what I was doing or saying.”

 Without a word, Chan opened his phone and played the voicemail. Your voice from last night speaking in the quite room. It soon stopped and he put his phone down on the table. You stayed quiet, trying to come up with something to say to him.

 “Chan, I-” you started to speak, but were cut off.

 “No, let me tell you something, y/n. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since our fight. A lot of self-reflection.” Chan gave you a small smile, “Y/n, I want to make this work. You’ve always known how to show me love and happiness. Being with you, I feel like I can do anything. Please tell me you feel the same way.”

 Seeing his smile made you smile back, “Chan, I want this to work, I really do. It’s just that… I don’t know if I can. Things have been so fucking messed up for me. First it was our breakup, then my work was piling up on me, my mother nagging me constantly, and my father trying to get me to see him out of the country in his new home.” You took another drink, glancing away from his gaze.

 “Wait, your father contacted you?” Chan asked with a surprised tone, “I thought you said you would never want to see him, even if he contacted you.”

 “Yeah, he contacted me recently.” You nodded your head, “But, I think I do want to go see him. I think it would be good for me to change the scenery. Get out of the country for a month or so. Try and figure out some things for myself.”

 Chan looked at you in surprise from your response. His eyes filled with emotion. You got out of your seat and placed the cup in the sink. Chan got up as well and you could tell he wanted you to say something. Though, you had no clue what he wanted. His face carried so much emotion that it was almost unbearable to even look at.

 “Y/n, please give me an answer to what you want. I’m so tired of trying to give you space that I don’t want you to find someone new. Y/n, I’m scared every day that you will leave me or the guys. I’m scared that you might end up in a place you don’t want to because of your bad habits. Y/n, can’t you see that I care for you?” You could hear in Chan’s voice all the pent-up fear and sadness, his desperate cries out to you almost made you look away, “I’m losing sleep over you. I can’t eat as much because I never know what you’re doing. I can’t do anything! Y/n, I love you so much it hurts. Can’t you see that?”

 Hearing his words echo in your head made you dig up all the emotions you tried to bury. You saw that Chan went through so much after the breakup. You knew he could only take so much until he fell apart. Your feet took you to Chan as you slowly wrapped your arms around him. His touch made you remember all the times you spent in his arms. His scent made you remember all the times you stole his sweatshirts. His heartbeat reminded you of the times you fell asleep in his arms. Everything felt more painful in his arms, but it felt so nice to be hugged by him again.

 “Channie,” you whispered in the silence.

 “Yeah?” he responded, not ever wanting to let you go.

 You knew saying these words would hurt you, but you knew it would hurt Chan a lot more.

 “I want this to work out, you know that. But I don’t think right now is a good time.” You hugged him tighter, knowing what was to come.

 ➵

 You found yourself sitting in the Incheon International Airport as you noticed a plane fly out of the airport. A crowd of people walking in every which direction. The noise filled airport wasn’t something you were too fond of, though, you found it interesting to look at all the different people crossing your path. You clung onto your phone a bit tighter as you patiently waited for your flight to be boarding soon. The aroma of food from the food court filled the surrounding gates. You finally hear that your flight is now boarding, you got up and waited in line to board the plane. Suddenly, you heard a loud voice call your name amongst the large crowd. You turned around to see who it was; however, you already knew who it was by the sound of their voice. A heavy pit in your stomach started to form. Palms started to get clammy. Your heart started to race as you met him face to face.

 “Channie, what the hell are you doing here?” you asked in a confused manner.

 “Y/n, I just wanted to tell you goodbye before you left.” Chan said with a small smile, “And I just wanted to see your face again one last time.”

 You chuckled slightly, continuing to follow the line to enter the plane, “Well, here is your chance to say goodbye.” You replied, almost too bluntly.

 Chan took you by the shoulders and dragged you out of the line, “Please don’t give me that attitude when I’m trying to say goodbye.” He paused and let his grip go, “Sorry, I just… can’t believe you’re actually leaving.”

 “Yeah, I can’t believe it either.” You gave a small smile, “Thank you for coming to say goodbye. I mean it.” You looked him in the eyes with a soft expression.

 Chan gave you almost a hurt look to you in return, “All I wanted was for you to be happy.” Chan spoke in a broken tone, placing his hands on your arms.

 “Chan, don’t-” You tried to interject, but he continued.

 He looked you in the eyes, “Y/n, you make every day worth living. Please, I need you here. You believe me, don’t you?” he gave you a pleading appearance.

  You glanced back to see the line becoming shorter, then looked back at him, “Chan, I’m tired of living a life where I’ll never be happy.” You confessed, your emotions spilling over, “I’m not happy here. I’m not happy with who I am. I’m not happy with who I’ve become. Channie, I have to leave to try and fix myself before I try to be in a relationship again. Please, can’t you understand that?” you tried to plead with him.

 “Please don’t forget me and the things we did.” Chan spoke softly, almost woefully.

 “I promise.” You nodded.

 The line was gone as the woman at the desk was waiting for you. You got out of his grasp as handed the woman your flight ticket at the entrance of the gate. You couldn’t stand to see him. It made you too sad to see him like this. But you knew it would hurt him when you would leave. You started to through the tunnel when you heard him call your name again. You stopped and turned around again. You turned to see a crying Chan. His eyes red and puffy. His sobs echoing through your head. His perfect lips now stained of sadness. You felt your heart break with every tear that fell from his eyes.

 “Y/n.” Chan spoke shakily, trying to walk towards you.

 You met him halfway, “Channie.” Speaking softly, your hands brushing through his soft blonde hair comfortingly.

 “I love you, y/n.” He wrapped his arms around you tightly, you felt his emotions cover you like a blanket.

 You hugged back lightly, knowing how it’ll hurt to let him go. You stayed in the moment, trying to remember the way he hugged you. You soon let him go, knowing it hurt him when you ripped apart from him. You turned and walked down the tunnel. Chan’s sobbing started again, watching his only love walk away from him. You turned to see him at the entrance of the tunnel. You gave him your best smile.

 “I know you do.” you spoke gently, your heart breaking with every breath you took.

 Once you knew you were out of sight of Chan, you let yourself be completely destroyed by your emotions. You started to feel a stream of tears run down your face. You tried to keep your cries at a minimum as you attempted to find your seat in the plane. Faces of people looking at you. You felt embarrassed, wanting to become invisible. Finally, you climbed to your window seat and sat down. You looked out of the window as you wiped your eyes. You hated crying in public. You felt a light tap on your shoulder as you looked over to see an elderly woman.

 “Why’re you crying, dear?” she asked politely.

 You stayed silent, trying to figure out how to say it, “I just walked away from the best thing in my life.”

 The elderly woman gave you a smile, “There’s always light, in dark situations.” Her words were simple, but it hurt you to hear it, “Sometimes it’s good to start over.”

 “Why’re you so kind to me?” you felt a tear slip down your face.

 She leaned forward slightly, you saw her eyes were filled with the stars, “We all need someone to kiss us goodbye.” Her words felt like they came from experience.

 The plane started to take off the ground. The view from down below started to become fainter with the rise in elevation. You always loved the city view, but this became almost too depressing to look at.

 It’s been a few months since your departure. You finally got to see your father. He didn’t seem to change that much from what you could faintly remember. Though, it was a little strange to see him again, in all honesty. However, he showed you that he has changed since. You decided to go outside to the park just to relax. You saw that the sun was soon going to set, so you decided that you should make it quick. The walk down was peaceful, there wasn’t many people out, so it was almost perfect. You eventually got to the park and sat down on the bench. The green grass soon changed the tips of the blades to an orange to match the setting sun. You felt your phone buzz and checked to see who it was.

 “Changbin! Oh wow, it’s been a while, hasn’t it? What’s going on?” you asked, completely surprised from his call.

 There was a moment of silence, “Y/n. I have to tell you something.” He seemed off to you, “Chan- airplane-”

 His words seemed to drift away like a boat out into the ocean. Your heart sank to the bottom of the vast sea as you listened to the muffled voice coming from your phone. Your mind drew a blank. You couldn’t come up with any thoughts. A loud ringing in your head started to reverberate in your skull. Your vision became cloudy. Everything was wrong. Nothing could fix this. You felt like time stopped dead and everything hovered motionless.

 ➵

 You opened your eyes to see a bird chirping in the nearby tree. The crisp autumn leaves covered the ground in fire. The wind blew a cold breeze across the land. The sound of dancing leaves soothed your body as you swayed with them. The tall trees orchestrated the wind to tell it which way to go. You breathed out a loud sigh.

 Everything seemed like a hazy distant dream to you, even if it happened two years ago.

 “It’s been a while, huh?” you asked aloud, “I hope you’re doing alright. Eating well and resting a lot.” no response.

 You looked down and kicked the leaves, “Y’know, the stars would be so proud to know their atoms created someone like you.” you felt a smile pull.

 You turned around to see a lonely gray gravestone. The words written on it almost were unbearable to read.

 In Loving Memory

Christopher Bang

A loving son and best friend

May you rest in peace knowing how you impacted those around you

 You felt overwhelmed, even now to see him. You got on your knees and stared at the stone slab, wishing it was never there.

 You tried to give your best smile, “I’m glad we met, Channie. I really do.”

 You longed to see him again, but not like this. Even after two years, it still hurts. You reached out and touched the stone, the cold feeling rushed up your arm. A tear slipped down your face without you noticing. You heard footsteps approaching, but you didn’t even care.

 “Let’s go, y/n.” a familiar voice called to you.

 You looked up to see Changbin stretch his hand out towards you. You took it slowly and got up, keeping eye contact with the stone.

 Changbin noticed, “C’mon. Chan would be sad to see you like this. Let’s try and be happy.” He gave you a reassuring smile.

 You nodded, “Yeah, I suppose.” You smiled at the grave, “I love you.”

 The surrounding gravestones seemed to try and speak to you as you were leaving. As if to say to not leave them. You never knew how sad a graveyard could be. Changbin led you away as the other boys were waiting outside of their cars. You felt at home being with them again. You loved them with all your heart. But it never quite felt the same without him.