#what was up with all the skinny hobbits

[misterfaggins]

Book designs for the ringbearers (in order)

[ID: two sheets of full-body character designs for Smeagol/Gollum, Bilbo, Frodo, and Sam, lined up in that order. Each of the hobbits has curly hair, large round pointed ears, and large feet covered in thick curly hair. The first sheet has a light blue and yellow background and depicts the characters before they took possession of the ring. The second, set against a black background, shows them some time after.

Smeagol is a fat, freckled white hobbit with medium length dark hair and sea green eyes. He is crouching comfortably with a smile on his face. In the second image, Gollum is bony and emaciated, his skeleton visible through his skin. He has large, bulging, luminous eyes reminiscent of a blind deep sea creature. His fingers are webbed and his mouth filled with many sharp, pointy teeth. He has thin strands of curly hair.

The first drawing of Bilbo has medium-dark skin, short, neat black hair, and brown eyes. He stands with his hands on his hips, looking impatient. He is dressed in casual clothes. The second Bilbo has long, graying hair that reaches well past his shoulders. He wears traveling clothes complete with a navy blue cloak. He smirks back at the camera.

The first image shows Frodo as a tall, white, chubby hobbit with short dark hair and brown eyes. He smiles happily, a healthy blush on his cheeks. The second Frodo has long, scraggly hair pulled into a messy ponytail. He is emaciated, too-big shirt hanging off his shoulders, with sunken eyes and heavy scarring across his chest in a circular radius from where the ring rested. He's covered in dirt and blood. He stares into the distance with a hopeless expression.

Sam is a short, tan, fat hobbit with short red hair, freckles, and brown eyes. He smiles up at Frodo. In the second image, Sam is a little thinner, skin more pallid. His hair has grown longer and unkempt and he is covered in dirt and blood. He has a slight scar where the ring rested against his chest. In both images, Frodo and Sam are holding hands. End ID]

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fics Named After Clothing Masterlist

A Sickening Pair of Heels (ao3) - husbants

Summary: Dan orders his first pair of heels. Phil isn't surprised that he finally did, but rather he's surprised by Dan's choice.

Boyfriend Hoodie (ao3) - ahappyphil

Summary: Clothes stealing and boyfriend smells.

buttons on a coat (ao3) - waveydnp

Summary: dan meets up with his mum while he’s wearing phil’s coat

dirty socks (ao3) - angelmichelangelo

Summary: based off of dan's 'what not to do at university' video

dan finds himself outside, alone, in the freezing cold at two in the morning with a suitcase full of dirty laundry, and even though uni is eating him alive, there's only really one person he wants to be with.

don't touch my hat (ao3) - chickenfree

Summary: “I don’t think it is your shirt,” he says.

Fancy Dress (ao3) - americanphancakes

Summary: At a Halloween masquerade ball, Phil is taken by a beauty on the other side of the room. It's like a fairy tale. But what's reality going to be like?

Gloves On (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: “I can’t believe you ripped the costume off,” Phil says after the camera and lights are both turned off. He’s laughing, but there’s something in his tone that has Dan wonder if it means something other than I can’t believe you actually just got fully naked on the gaming channel.

A fic about accessories and antics.

Grey Sweatpants (ao3) - Absolutefilthimsosorry

Summary: Set after the filming of the fall guys dvp where dan was wearing grey sweatpants.

Hoodie - doomedhowell

Summary: Phil wears the Jake hoodie all the time and then leaves to go on vacation (without Dan) and leaves the hoodie behind and Dan wears it all the time so he can smell Phil’s scent because he misses him.

Hoodie - awesomesockes

Summary: It’s a drabble in which Phil steals Dan’s hoodie.

Hoodies And Hickeys - thespianhowell

Summary: Hobbit-haired Dan innocently wanders into the kitchen sporting Phil’s York hoodie and a lot of hickeys. Phil is Compromised.

hoodie bow (ao3) - doseofdjh

Summary: my introspection of the infamous “hoodie incident” that dnp mentioned in one of their liveshows

Hoodie Strings (ao3) - howellesterfics

Summary: phil has a temptation

Hoodie strings (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Phil wants to pull dans hoodie strings that are tied into a bow tie. Fluff ensues.

Jackets (ao3) - FoxyAtlas

Summary: Phil Lester, bad boy who wears the same leather jacket to school every day and makes a hobby out of scaring people. Dan Howell, future valedictorian who prefers a varsity jacket, and refuses to be shaken by anyone, bad boy or otherwise. And how they come together through a high school track, an English class, and a failing videography program.

Leather Jacket (ao3) - murderbyarsenic

Summary: Dan suddenly remembers that he has an old leather jacket at the back of his wardrobe, so he decides to whip it out. There’s actually no real story, just smut.

Leggings (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: When Dan went off to go change for a more “appropriate” set of clothes to wear for their Pokemon Go adventure, Phil didn't think much of it. According to the weather, it was going to be a pretty mild day, so Phil thought his red and blue bomber jacket would be nice enough to wear on a day like this. He looked a bit like a trainer too (although he was second guessing on the hat) and he figured Dan was going to run along the same lines. Though Phil couldn't quite remember Dan carrying much Pokemon merch in his piles of black and leather styled “aesthetic” closet and drawers

Mitten (ao3) - yikesola

Summary: Dan really truly thought it was going to take longer to feel normal on the Isle of Man again. He’s changed so much; the world has changed so much.

A fic about knits and rules.

Panties and Bralettes (ao3) - fin_flora

Summary: Phil didnt know how to open up the topic first, but he was glad when he did.

Pair of ultra-tight skinny jeans (ao3) - Shirit

Summary: “This is literally what would happen If I got abducted. My item is a pair of ultra-tight skinny jeans”

“Oh so you can’t get it out”

Pastel Sweaters, Red Varsity Jackets, and a White Wig (ao3) - Star4545

Summary: Dan and Phil have been dating for a few weeks.Within a few days, Phil realizes the truth of why Daniel Howell always wear a white wig on his head and Dan learns how hard it is to love.

Phil's Hoodie (ao3) - cuddly_punk

Summary: Dan forgets his jacket on a cold day where he and Phil go OUTSIDE! and Phil gives him his jacket to keep him from freezing his butt off

Reindeer Pajamas and Bunny Slippers. Only. (ao3) - jfcmartin

Summary: Phil has a new neighbor across the hall. What's a better way to introduce himself other than in the middle of a possible fire whilst half-naked?

Short Skirts and Candy Kisses (ao3) - tahliaisnotonfire

Summary: The boy had chestnut coloured hair and matching brown eyes, golden skin and pink succulent lips. His cheekbones were strongly put together and his jawline was at the perfect angle, complementing the boy’s features nicely. Phil couldn’t believe someone like this actually existed. The boy was young and his appearance seemed even more tempting as he was sucking on a lollipop. A fucking lollipop.

Also known as that AU where Phil works in a library and Dan wanders in one day wearing a short skirt looking for a book and Phil just can’t stay low-key.

Shoes? (ao3) - 000dia000

Summary: The rise and the fall of The Shoes™, Dan's realization that his sandals are not as cool as he once thought, and Phil being a lil' shit. Romantic Tragedy (not really).

Shorts (ao3) - analester

Summary: “Dan has seen Phil in shorts countless amount of times. Really, he has. And for the most part, it didn’t really affect him in any way. He’s seen Phil in boxers, hell, he’s seen Phil naked and hard, so why the hell is it starting to get to him now?”

The Christmas Sweater (ao3) - Nefertiti1052 (Succubusphan)

Summary: Dan is on his way to Phil's to spend Christmas with the Lesters for the first time.

The Denim Jacket (ao3) - islet

Summary: Dan reunites with his beloved black denim jacket, makes a Totally Shocking Confession and gains five Family Points.

the jacket (ao3) - Rawritsamehh

Summary: Dan returns home from the Attitude photoshoot.

the leather t-shirt (ao3) - classichysteria

Summary: “i remember being in a vidcon hotel and actually begging dan to get changed.”

phil hates the leather t-shirt

Varsity Jacket - chocolatesaucelester

Summary: Highschool AU where Dan has always been Phil’s close best friend, and that was not going to change now that Phil is the star of the basketball team and one of the most popular and most wanted guys in school.

White T-Shirt (ao3) - cafephan

Summary: There was something about the mysterious new boy that intrigued Dan, right from day one. The first time they made eye contact, and he looked away blushing, the new boy knew.

It was only going to get better.

you look so good it hurts (in my favorite t-shirt) (ao3) - phantasticworks (steddieworks)

Summary: Phil is gifted with a "Mega Dilf" shirt. Guess who picked that shirt out?

your hoodies (come wrapped around me) (ao3) - Tarredion

Summary: Unpacking for their move into bigger quarters, Dan finds an ancient treasure in the back of their conjoined closet.

your yellow hoodie on me (ao3) - morelikeexisting (orphan_account)

Summary: or the one where Phil's away and he loves seeing Dan in his clothes

[shirefantasies]

Am I too late to join in on matchups? If so please just ignore this ask and know that I'm sorry

I'd like a male ship please. I'm an autistic girl with adhd and a couple chronic illnesses like joint pain especially in my hands and dyspraxia so I'm super clumsy. I'm 4' 10" tall with long wavy auburn hair, glasses, pale skin that's covered in freckles and moles and a petite figure. I'm very friendly and bubbly but I can also be kinda asocial and don't actively seek out interaction much. I enjoy writing, drawing (recently I've been getting really into MS Paint art), video games, reading, hiking and researching things that interest me. I'm very intelligent and also witty, I'm actually pretty good at making people laugh! I work as a librarian and am hoping to become a linguist someday too. Thanks!

"Hey sweetie, here's my additions for my matchup description! Thanks so much for taking the time to do all these ships, you're a true saint. I hope these don't conflict with the draft you have set up already

🪆 I’m both very level-headed and very stubborn, and I can also be quite fierce and even argumentative but that’s fairly rare. I just don’t tend to back down easily, and I’m a very resilient person

🪆 I can be a bit of a homebody, especially since I’m disabled, and I get very attached to wherever I happen to be living. I like having a garden whenever possible too, even if it's an indoor one.

🪆 I’m very friendly and sweet, but I also like messing with people a little. This is especially fun because I have unusual interests like botanical poisons or the science of decomposition. I can tend to be pretty morbid without even realizing it. That being said, my friendly side is no facade and I genuinely love taking care of people.

🪆 I especially love cooking for people and trying to recipes for others

🪆 I enjoy working out but am still very skinny. It’s actually funny how my large arms contrast with my Disney Princess-esque waist

🪆 I like to take relationships very very slowly and develop a solid friendship before considering dating someone, so I really don't want someone who takes things too fast. I'm also not a fan of overly flirty people, even if they're completely loyal to me I just get turned off by over the top displays of affection. 

🪆 I have legendary pain tolerance and tend to laugh off injuries more than anything

🪆 I’m addicted to buying new books, particularly on witchcraft and botany

🪆 I know a LOT about different types of spirits and deities, especially as a witch. I could go on and on about spirit lore for hours

Thanks, have a great day!"

Not too late at all! & I was really early on in it so this is fine! I can kind of work to combine them in fact 😁 They just take a long time lmao 😅 hope it’s ok I went LoTR because your man is…

Frodo!

You aren't used to being approached while you work; quite the contrary, in fact, many passersby almost seem to treat you like you don't exist at all when you appear in the peripheries of their vision hunched over your books and scrolls. Which, admittedly, is suitable to you as your work is quite consuming. Quenya translations do not come without focus, after all. So when a voice sounds at your back, your clumsy side emerges as you startle, almost overturning your ink pot before a small, pale hand darts out to catch and right it. “My apologies,” you hear from behind you, “I was just curious what form of Elvish that was.”

Turning around, you see a hobbit, dark-haired and blue-eyed and shyly smiling at you. He is clad in a white shirt and brown pants and something about the navy vest he wears gives him a studious air. You smile. “Quenya, very old. In fact this book,” you motion over the tome you’ve been comparing against the ancient scroll, “is a chronicle of the witches of old. Quick different from anything we see these days.” A mixture of teasing and apprehension crossed the hobbit’s visage. “And what are you doing with a book like that?” “Looking for a way to raise my undead army,” you tease back, leaning forward toward him in your chair. At that, both of you laugh and exchange introductions. His name is Frodo and it would seem his uncle is quite a student of languages as well, teaching Frodo newer, more practical forms of Elvish and studying some Khuzdul himself. In fact, he is only there outside the Shire to have an old book of his uncle’s appraised.

You can’t help the wave of distraction that overtakes you after you offer your own skills, though; adjusting your spectacles and pushing your chair back, you cannot resist asking Frodo about his Shire. He pulls back a chair of his own, taking up a spot at your side with a smile you can only describe as lovestruck. Stubborn as you can be, you give no fight to the derailment of your work as Frodo speaks of rolling green hills, warm hearths and sunny gardens and flowers hung upon fences. You understand his expression completely, a sigh escaping your own lips at his vividly gorgeous words. "We may know little of your witchcraft or translations in the Shire, but it's home. The greatest home I could ask for." He had you at sunny gardens. "I would love to see it," you reply, setting your quill down. "He isn't always fond of guests," Frodo chuckles, folding his arms on the table, "but I think someone with your knowledge and spirit would quite amuse him. Come and visit us. I will have Uncle Bilbo convinced by the time you get there." "Oh, he needs convincing, does he?" "Perhaps you could put a spell of some sort on him."

The older hobbit you quickly learn is Frodo’s uncle Bilbo still looks surprised by your presence at his nephew’s side, but he gets a glitter in his eyes you expect to be quite characteristic once you bring up your meeting with Frodo. You end up talking to Bilbo as much as his nephew at dinner, in fact, sharing many glances with the proudly smiling Frodo as you hear the most amazing tales of dwarf-song and dragon fire and even time spent alongside Lord Elrond himself in the great homely house. Bilbo chuckles at the way your eyes light up, your questions about the magic woven around Rivendell and how different it is from the small spells you’ve attempted. That certainly gets the old hobbit’s eyebrows shooting up! At the end of it, you agree with Frodo’s assessment of the Shire’s warm hearths and have continued invitations to see your friends.

And that is definitely how you see it for quite some time, after all you work with Bilbo as much as you run around the Shire woods with Frodo, dodging his cousins plucking up mushrooms and trading botany facts and tips with Samwise, Bag End’s gardener, while Frodo looks on with the smile you’ve grown to love. Suspicion that he is just teasing you rises one day when he looks at you fondly, half-asking, half making a statement to you. "You really have fallen for the Shire, haven't you?" Of course you have. The hobbits admire your strength, at least for the most part- those that poke at you about big folk disturbing the peace or the Bagginses stirring things up again risk your comebacks, after all, the bite of your wit tearing perfectly back against the bore of their lives and personalities. Every time you swivel from such interactions, there is Frodo and that fond smile that suddenly you aren't so sure how to respond to. You don't know what to do when he takes your hand to show you something or catches you when your feet slip out from under you, hands about your waist. You don't mind, especially given Frodo's knowledge that your hands get achy and cold and somehow his find them right as it sets in, and beside that he was nothing but a gentleman to you. That in and of itself seems to be the sudden source of your hysteria right up to the moment Frodo rises onto his tiptoes and presses his lips ever so gently to yours. He's told you again and again over your compared translation notes, over twisting little charms and flower crowns together, over even blood and bandages and your laughter over the way your dear hobbit frets while you feel next to nothing.

You are lucky in the gift of Frodo as you frequently tell him, as you make known when you take his arm on a hike and share in that fond smile he gives you. Frodo is a gentle soul, affectionate but not so overt in his advance as to deter you. To put it bluntly, Frodo is not a sexual person, so the nature of your relationship as it is and the love you share in your spent time are plenty to satisfy him. Forever you have someone to bring you tea and a kiss to the crown of your auburn head as you pore over documents, someone to bake for and an uncle who laughs heartily at every insistence of yours that he needs to take you to Rivendell to study their wards, throwing in the Lonely Mountain for good measure. Between the three of you, Bag End fills with books in no time, but you certainly cannot complain when some of them are quite ancient indeed, teasing challenges by your favorite hobbits, one of whom sees himself in you and the other who simply sees the beauty in you while you work. Even if sometimes you work a little too hard and he has to help you back into your now-shared hobbit hole to rest your back after a little too long sketching, weeding, and planting in the garden you are beautiful, shining with sweat and dabbed with proof of your connection to the earth. You certainly are the best thing Frodo has brought home on an errand.

Taglist: @lokilover476 @fuckyoumakeart @mossthebogwitch @ibabblealot @kilibaggins @stormchaser819 @pirate-lord-of-narnia @datglutengoblin @letmelickyoureyeballs | Reply/Ask/Message to join 🥰

[griseldabanks]

🕯️, 🧃, 🍄, 🪐 , 🍬, ❄️, and 🌿, please?

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?

Ummm...5. It really depends on the story, how badly edits are needed, how hard it is to make those edits, etc. Also, I often have a hard time differentiating between the writing and editing stage, because I do both kind of all at once a lot of the time.

🧃 ⇢ share some personal lore you never posted about before

I learned to touch-type from a computer game called Kid's Typing, where a ghost named Spooky takes you around a house to haunt its inhabitants (the faster you type, the higher things levitate/spin/etc.). Then I got my speed up by participating in forum roleplays on Neopets, which were very fast-paced and required you to sit there refreshing the page until the other person posted their reply. Those days are long gone, but I can point to both of those things as the foundation for my current typing proficiency ;)

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

When she was a kid, during a phase where all of the girls in her class were talking about their list of requirements for who they wanted to marry someday, Sharon Carter was determined to be "not like other girls." So, because all the other girls talked about how they only wanted to marry someone who was reeeeally tall and buff, Sharon declared she was going to marry a man who was short and skinny. Years later, after marrying Steve, she looks back and realizes that, though she ended up marrying a man who's taller than her and very strong indeed, on the inside he's still the short, skinny man he was before the serum. So, in a way, she got her wish.

🪐 ⇢ name three good things going on in your life right now

I'm making slow but steady progress in my homework, and I enjoy it.

Fall is almost here!

I get to talk to my besties at least twice a week <3

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Castiel is a fine character and I like him well enough, but Supernatural would have been better without him.

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

I'm not really sure what this means, but all I can think of is my LotR fic idea Rosie Runs to Rivendell, where Sam and Rosie get married before the Quest, and Rosie and Elanor join the Hobbits on their way to Rivendell. I got the idea in a dream, and still intend to finish writing it eventually. As for who would write it best? Just about anyone other than me, and yet here we are.

🌿 ⇢ give some advice on writer's block and low creativity

Madeleine L'Engle said, "The inspiration comes while you write." Don't wait for inspiration. Don't wait until you "feel" like writing. Just sit down and start writing, even if you end up trashing everything you worked on in a day (preferably don't trash it, but put it in a separate file just in case). No time spent writing is wasted, because at the very least you're determining a version of a scene that's wrong for the story, so at least you're narrowing it down. Often, even if I don't really want to write, once I get started, I discover it's not actually that bad. But keep it reasonable. Make yourself write, but also give yourself an out for the days when you really are just burnt out and need to take a break.

Writer's Truth or Dare Ask Game

[afatlotofchance]

Here we go, now that I evacuated all this Soldier Son talk, I want to speak about this more... "general". Fatness in fantasy.

I talked of Soldier Son, and I evoked the Chalion books. But you know, as an enjoyer of fantasy mixed with a kinkster, I kept noticng that fatness creeps its way throughout fantasy works. There is a certain concept that became quite prevalent today about how fatness had no place or existence in fantasy - something favorized by how fantasy was mainly and strongly about muscular barbarians, fit rangers, svelt princes and kings, slender women (barbarian or damsel in distress), skinny wizards, and whatnot. However it isn't exactly true as I found fatness and/or weight gain to be quite a recurring thing.

The thing isn't that fatness is absent in fantasy, but that it was quite present, however in a stereotyped way. Fatness was never used on the heroes or man protagonist - or if it was, the protagonist would quickly lose it. Fatness was used to connote evilness or weakness, decadent luxury or a person unfit for adventures, or even used for comedy or to make the "jolly fat character". All traditional "stock roles" of the fat person that are now unfortunate cliches... But that still managed to carve a place for fatness in the world of fantasy literature.

And this dates back as early as Tolkien's work itself because there is a detail I am absolutely mad nobody remembers: HOBBITS ARE FAT GO66AMNIT! Everybody forgot about this for various reasons, but the Hobbits are chunky little fellas, chubby middle-aged men, tiny fatties. Frodo and Bilbo, from "The Hobbit" or "Lord of the Rings" both started out with a comfortable padding. Yes, they ended up losing it due to their various adventures, but the point still stays that a Hobbit "natural" state is chubby. (Well, afterward there's different breeds and types of hobbit but I'm doing a generalizaton here). While I do enjoy the Lord of the Rings movies, their depiction of Frodo as this slender youth is SUCH a far cry from what the character originally was...

When the Hobbits were first brought in the original D&D, they were fat too. They only became slender (and halflings) due to the whole "Let's pretend we did not just stole the hobbits to avoid a lawsuit". And in pre-LotR movies, pre-D&D fantasy it was something that was remembered and formed a sort of echo. To take an example, you have this one very famous rip-off of Lord of the Rings, "The Sword of Shannara", one of the best-sellers of 70s fantasy and the "most famous" (or "infamous") pastiche of the Lord of the Rings (to explain: the 60s/70s was the big Tolkien wave in the USA, people wanted more of it, so Terry Brooks was encouraged to write a sort of copy of LotR and it was due to how it copied the original that it became a huge success at the time, but today a lot of people find it unbearable to read due to how much it copies and imitates LotR.) The main protagonist are two brothers (well, half-brothers), one is a half-elf and thus is this sort of lithe, tall, slender blond beauty, and his co-protagonist/loyal brother/faithful companion is a stocky, thickly built, brown-haired boy. The slender and the fat ; the heroic svelt main and the chubby faithful and loving companion. Inspired by basically Tolkien's elf/Aragorn on one side, and the Hobbits on the other.

And this duo of "thin and fat" is ironically something that echoed throughout the decades of fantasy as it "infected" the Lord of the Rings movies - where Frodo and Sam became the "thin and the fat" (to the point every considers Sam as "the fat best friend") when in fact... In the novels Sam was the fittest of the two as he was a hard-working gardener and manual worker, as opposed to be "wealthy owner/heir with a quiet, lazy lifestyle" that was Frodo.

Another example of how the original chunkiness of the Hobbits can spring back through time: there was this book, it is a children/pre-teen book that is a sort of parody/comedy of fantasy. Simple, short, I enjoyed it, though it is not that deep or complex, you know, it's a dumb fun for pre-teens. "The Wizard, the Witch and Two Girls from Jersey". A parody of Narnia, the Wizard of Oz and Lord of the Rings all mixed together. Well, there is this one homage to the whole fantasy hobbit in a way I quite enjoyed: the elves are divided into two different types, one being the archetypal "high elves" of fantasy (tall, slender, blond, aetherial and princely), and the other being actually hobbits but treated as a different kind of elf. Short, brown-haired, practical, more lower-class... and above all stocky, chubby and fat. And it's one of the points of the book that despite the predestined heroine of the fantasy story expecting to fall in love with the elf-prince, she actually rather falls for the short, chubby, "hobbit" sidekick.

Anyway I digress a lot and this post has no structure - but I decided most of my posts will be digressions from now one. Though the point I want to highlight is: hobbits are fat, and I am a bit tired to see them thinned out constantly. And the very first lines of the foundational works of modern fantasy open describing people who naturally grow fat and are perfectly fine with it. Makes you think a bit.

[chrononautintraining]

How about something Hobbit-y about spring?

Green daggers stabbed up through the inch of snow lining Bagshot Row. Samwise checked one habitually. It was growing well enough. Crocuses could take a little cold. His destination was further on.

Burlap shielded the roots of the sapling growing where the Party Tree once stood. He’d gathered the golden leaves beneath the cloth when they came down in March, but left the cover. Good thing he did! The skinny trunk looked desolate without the golden armor it wore all winter.

The Lady was the master of sun and wind and rain in that mighty forest called Lothlorien, but spring in the Shire was a fickle thing. He hadn’t expected so much snow in April. Sam was just a hobbit with an empty box that once contained some magic. Call him three kinds of fool, thinking he could grow a magic tree.

The little sprout had grown fine that first year, when the Lady’s Gift blessed all the gardens of the Shire. This year it was all down to the weather and what work a hobbit’s hands could do. The thin, bare, silver branches were covered in snow. But there, at the tip of one twig, a golden flower bloomed.

[garlic-the-gnome]

Bite The Throat

Strange Aeons LotR crackfic

Twas the year 2015 and Frodo “The Skull” Baggins was in the bathroom dying his hair to be eboney black. After his parents had died in a beetroot farming accident he’d gone goth. Sadness and death were his new parents. Frodo was currently wearing a black nightgown draped over his shoulders so he didn’t dye his skin. He flicked his wet dye soaked hair off his forehead as the bathroom door opened. 

In walked his boyfriend Sam the Killer. Sam was 4 feet tall and wearing black skinny jeans, a MCR band shirt with the sleeves cut off over a long sleeve black mesh shirt. Many gothic tattoos could be seen through the mesh but the most eye-catching was Sam’s teardrop tattoo underneath his eye.

Hey Babey, said Sam. They pashed passionantley. Gloopy dye smushing into Sam. The Skull pulled away from Sam’s embrace, his dark orbs penetrating into his sole with sadness and despair. I need ta wash this shit out first, sorry babette, The Skull dropped his silk lace black nightgown to the ground and stepped into his ice cold shower, but his soul was colder. Sam’s eyes eyed The Skull’s shredded torso as he bathed underneath the stream of water. The Skull had a massive tattoo covering his back, it was like angel wings but instead of feather it was bones (authors note: pretty goff right).

Once The Skull’s hair was pitch blak and clean they began passionantye making out again. They went to their gothic bedroom with had dark purple walls covered in goff band posters and a black lacey blanket and a black shaggy carpet in the shape of a skull. They went on the bed and did you know what (an: im not a perv okay!!!!)

The next morning they awoke to a loud knocking outside their bedroom. They hastily pulled the quilt up to cover their bodies, their small heads peaking out of the top of the bed.

In walked Strange. Strange was also a hobbit who was gothic. She had met The Skull and Sam at an goth band concert that was held in The Shire. Strange has short gothic hair and a skull chain around her neck and big boots that made her taller than the other hobbits. Gandalf was also there, towering over Strange. He was no longer known as Gandalf the Grey but Gandalf the goth. He had a long balk robe with a slit up the side showing off his pale with smooth skin, covered in satanic symbols. His big hat was now replaced with an emo beanie and his long fringe poked out of it covering one of his eyes. 

Get up losers, he yelled at The Skul and Sam. The two jumped out of bed, exposing themselves to Strange and Gandalf whose eyes were offended by the ripped hobbit that was The Skull. The naked hobbits were soon clothed in the closest cool clothes.

The all sat down for first breakfast at the table. Gandalf explained while sipping on a goblet of blood that they needed to travel across middle earth and defeet the head prep, Golum, who’d been gathering an army of preps and posers to take down the goffic haven of The Shire. As they ate their black pancakes and blackberries they agreeded with Gandalf and the four woud travel to go defeat Golum and his army.

They packed their favourite band shirts, some drugs and their mp3 player and left the shire with their satchels covered in gothic patches. The other hobbits made pentagons with the hands and flipped them off as they left the Shire.

@strange-aeons

[possibly-in-wonderland]

tw/cw: me venting about having a past with a restrictive ed under the cut, view at your own risk

i'm NOT going back to eating so little and starving myself, but ever since i started recovering i have no place i can openly talk about anything and everything. the dragonfly's nest (which is what i call the ed forum i was apart of) was practically my lifeline, where i would talk to people and we wouldn't have to hide our true selves. i was the splenda-addicted, eating-disordered hobbit (literally what i called myself). i was notorious for coffee with unholy amounts of splenda. i would openly say, "man, only a couple more hours left and then i can eat" or i'd even talk about things not ed-related (like my rabbit or guitar).

but i still need an outlet where i can talk.

i got so use to using the dragonfly's nest as an outlet that now i second guess every little thing i post here on tumblr for fear of losing people i've grown close to (even if we don't actually talk, i still feel connections to my mutuals, and idk their backgrounds or what they secretly struggle with, so i dont wanna accidentally trigger them with something ed related, even if it's recovery-related, this is the best i can do to vent and make sure everyone knows what topic is under the cut above).

i know i'm not alone in this, but i still feel alone. the dragonfly's nest felt like family. people get things about ed forums and pro-ana wrong all the time.

we don't force eachother to get skinny or anything, in fact we encourage others to get better and go into recovery, but we're not the type to harp on anyone about it, we know it's hard af.

and pro-ana doesn't mean "i want everyone to be anorexic" it means "i'm anorexic, and i'm not ready to recover". maybe it meant a different thing in the early-2000s, but it means something different now.

i wasted a majority of last year with this fucking curse, and, luckily, now the only thing im scared of is eating poptarts (granted, they taste awful anyway).

although i don't like the thought of wasting my days away thinking about the next calorie i put in my mouth, i also kinda miss it. it was something to do and i felt in control of something. i know people feel "nostalgia" for their ed's and it's not uncommon. i had an addiction to the feeling of being empty and the feeling of standing up and almost blacking out and being dizzy (even though i almost cracked my skull on the corner of the kitchen counter one time).

the only things that pulled me out of my ed was working with hephaestus and getting obsessed with the hobbit/lotr. at this point, if im not thinking about being a witchy princess warrior lady in the realm of middle earth, then i start to slowly hate my body. not entirely, just...a little.

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read the Hobbit! Chapter 7

The next morning Bilbo woke up with the early sun in his eyes. He jumped up to look at the time and to go and put his kettle on—and found he was not home at all.

Guess my joking predictions of last thoughts of home are dashed.

After a good while the eagles must have seen the point they were making for, even from their great height, for they began to go down circling round in great spirals.

They're lucky Bilbo didn't hurl.

"I may look in on it again before it is all over, but in the meanwhile I have some other pressing business to attend to."

I assume he's trying to ruin the lives of some other innocent people, but this is a very silly assumption to make because of course he's going off to deal with the Necromancer's fortress of Dol Guldur. He's also probably got to recruit Galadriel because she wasn't chilling around Rivendell except in the shitty films, I think.

Then they took off their clothes and bathed in the river, which was shallow and clear and stony at the ford.

Nine hours of film and not one bit of gratuitous skinny dipping. Simply shameful on Jackson's part.

“And why is it called the Carrock?” asked Bilbo as he went along at the wizard’s side.

Because the Celtic root word for Welsh "carreg" and English "carr" is an anomaly that doesn't match the normal sound-changes of the language, which got Tolkien's attention.

“He called it the Carrock, because carrock is his word for it. He calls things like that carrocks, and this one is the Carrock because it is the only one near his home and he knows it well.”

Or that, I guess.

“What! a furrier, a man that calls rabbits conies, when he doesn’t turn their skins into squirrels?” asked Bilbo. “Good gracious heavens, no, no, NO, NO!” said Gandalf.

I don't even think Gandalf snaps this way at Pippin later, which is some credit to the young idiot. Bilbo clearly doesn't know enough about furries. I mean wargs. I mean skinchangers.

He keeps hives and hives of great fierce bees, and lives most on cream and honey.

I'm not a nutritionist by any means (or is it dietician that's protected? I'm not whichever one is protected and am totally the one that belongs to shysters and other disreputable sorts, please send 17 payments of $19.99 to hear my dietary and/or nutritional advice - anyway), but is cream and honey really a great diet for a person or a bear?

They were bigger than hornets. The drones were bigger than your thumb, a good deal, and the bands of yellow on their deep black bodies shone like fiery gold.

Well, I'm out of here. Fuck bees of this size.

"Bombur is fattest and will do for two, he had better come alone and last."

Come on, Tolkien. Just... come on.

“I am Gandalf,” said the wizard. “Never heard of him,” growled the man.

I admire anyone who can stay away from celebrity culture.

“I have heard of you, if you have not heard of me; but perhaps you have heard of my good cousin Radagast who lives near the Southern borders of Mirkwood?”

"Cousin" is an interesting way to describe their relationship, but in a way virtually any family relation would be eyebrow raising for one reason or another.

“I was coming over the mountains with a friend or two...” said the wizard.

The way Gandalf shamelessly lies to most everyone makes me wonder why he's particularly welcome anywhere. Makes me think that Wormtongue's castigations had more basis in reality than Gandalf wanted to admit.

"...(son of Thrain, son of Thror, I believe)..."

You don't know Gandalf but you do know Thorin's family tree. Is there a really weird and selective "Who's Who in the North" getting published?

“Troop of ponies? What were you—a travelling circus? Or were you carrying lots of goods? Or do you always call six a troop?”

Beorn, buddy, stop giving him chances to overwhelm you. It's so obvious he's got a host of dwarves with him that even an actual bear would be able to see what was up at this point.

"Fifteen birds in five fir-trees ..."

This is your reminder to listen to this song every chance you get. There's not much more to say with this chapter - it's a lot more obviously for kids than most of the others, as only children would delight at Beorn's slowly and excruciatingly getting strung along like this.

He refused to wait five minutes, and followed immediately after the other two.

Good for you Bombur, don't be fat-shamed.

Inside the hall it was now quite dark. Beorn clapped his hands, and in trotted four beautiful white ponies and several large long-bodied grey dogs.

I forgot that Beorn was a Disney princess. Good for him.

(Also this whole sequence is quite nice even though it's still pretty kiddy.)

There they had a supper, or a dinner, such as they had not had since they left the Last Homely House in the West and said good-bye to Elrond.

Sadly, the dinner itself is not described, but it clearly must be more than cream and honey since knives are involved. Maybe Beorn's a regular vegetarian?

The wind was on the withered heath, / but in the forest stirred no leaf: / there shadows lay by night and day, / and dark things silent crept beneath.

Such an upbeat song for after dinner. Still better than elf bullshit though!

Bilbo wondered what it was, and whether it could be Beorn in enchanted shape, and if he would come in as a bear and kill them.

It's definitely Beorn buddy, but it sure as heck ain't the case that he's gonna eat ya.

Just before sunset he walked into the hall, where the hobbit and the dwarves were having supper, waited on by Beorn’s wonderful animals, as they had been all day.

Another day passed and not a menu described. It's stuff like this that GRRM resents far more than tax policies and resurrections.

They must have looked very queer from outside, popping out into the air one after another, green, blue, red, silver-grey, yellow, white; big ones, little ones; little ones dodging through big ones and joining into figure-eights, and going off like a flock of birds into the distance.

Gandalf says "Gay rights!"

...he had eaten two whole loaves (with masses of butter and honey and clotted cream) and drunk at least a quart of mead...

Aha! Beorn and his animals bake! This explains everything.

“Little bunny is getting nice and fat again on bread and honey,” he chuckled. “Come and have some more!”

Gosh maybe Beorn is trying to eat him each night.

So much they told him when he forced them, but he guessed there was more wickedness than this afoot, and that a great raid of the whole goblin army with their wolf-allies into the lands shadowed by the mountains might soon be made to find the dwarves, or to take vengeance on the men and creatures that lived there, and who they thought must be sheltering them.

Note again that so much of this chapter is just about setting up the final conflict. It's good to have downtime after all the intensity, but this is one of the books' largest chapters and it's just kinda going in circles. This middle section could really have used some overall tightening.

"And in the dim shadows of that place I don’t think you will shoot anything, wholesome or unwholesome, without straying from the path. That you MUST NOT do, for any reason."

Guess what happens when they get there? Still though, this is a better use of this chapter's word count than other things have been. Foreshadowing goes a long way.

As the light faded Bilbo thought he saw away to the right, or to the left, the shadowy form of a great bear prowling along in the same direction. But if he dared to mention it to Gandalf, the wizard only said: “Hush! Take no notice!”

Protection, or Beorn's last attempt to eat Bilbo? You decide!

It is no use arguing. I have, as I told you, some pressing business away south; and I am already late through bothering with you people.

Off to Lothlorien to get the rest of the council ready for Dol Guldur? Or did Elrond take care of that and it's straight to the Necromancer? Did I already make this note? Will this chapter ever end?

“What about the horse, then?” said Thorin. “You don’t mention sending that back.” “I don’t, because I am not sending it.” “What about your promise then?”

"Just because Beorn can wreck your shit doesn't mean he can wreck mine," said the wizard.

"You have got to look after all these dwarves for me..."

Sure, Gandalf is laughing about this, but it's also pretty much true that Bilbo has a much better chance of keeping the dwarves alive than vice versa thus far.

Stick to the forest-track, keep your spirits up, hope for the best, and with a tremendous slice of luck you may come out one day and see the Long Marshes lying below you, and beyond them, high in the East, the Lonely Mountain where dear old Smaug lives, though I hope he is not expecting you.” “Very comforting you are to be sure,” growled Thorin.

Dammit Thorin if you hog all the snark what am I even here for? It's not like I have much else to say about this overlong chapter. The scene setting was nice but we've long passed foreshadowing and I feel like Tolkien was just including a few of these things to entertain himself while he told this tale to kids.

Then he galloped away and was soon lost to sight. “O good-bye and go away!” grunted the dwarves, all the more angry because they were really filled with dismay at losing him. Now began the most dangerous part of all the journey. They each shouldered the heavy pack and the water-skin which was their share, and turned from the light that lay on the lands outside and plunged into the forest.

And so ends another chapter. This middle part of the story is a lot more uneven than I really remembered. It does pick up again but when I compare the amount of detail and words spent on this section compared to the visit to Rivendell - which by all accounts should be the superior vacation destination, as it were - I have no idea why they're so lopsided as they are. It IS important to have levity between the caves of the Mountains and the spiders of the Mirkwood but this again derails the flow of the plot compared to the quick and breezy first few chapters.

Next time, another really long chapter with giant spiders, so in theory I should hate it but we'll see I guess!

[softly-potter]

Still Friends | Chapter 5: Books

Summary: After a chance encounter at a party, Wanda and Bucky find they have more in common than they realized.

This fic is heavily inspired by 'Friends' by my lovely friend Poppy. She is aware of this fic and I've been given permission for this marvel-version retelling! If you haven't read her dramione fic 'Friends', I HIGHLY suggest it. I fell in love with the story and couldn't help but wonder, what if it was Wanda and Bucky instead of Hermione and Draco? Thus "Still Friends" was born. Enjoy!

Pairing: Bucky X Wanda

Word Count: 33,068

Warning: smut, drug use, depression

A/N: Find the rest of the chapters here; Chapter 1: Greetings | Chapter 2: Unloading | Chapter 3: Cherries | Chapter 4: Worth the Wait | Chapter 6: Grief | Chapter 7: Unlikely | Chapter 8: Happy Birthday, Soldier | Chapter 9: A Christmas Moment | Chapter 10: The Best Holiday | Chapter 11: Permission | Chapter 12: Revitalize | Chapter 13: Backstabber | Chapter 14: Luck of the Dead | Chapter 15: Pain Reliever | Chapter 16: Apologize | Chapter 17: Specially Gifted | Chapter 18: New Day

-

Chapter 5: Books

November 3rd, 2026

He was never a reader, not really. He’d read the classics, he’d been a big fan of The Hobbit when it originally was printed, but to just read all the time? No, he couldn’t say it was a common pass time of his.

Wanda was a major book worm. She said it helped her sooth, helped her decompress. If anything, it took her away from him, and he wasn’t a fan.

Being in her presence was his way of soothing. Hearing her sigh underneath him was how he decompressed.

Her favorite were sappy romance novels, the kind that had half naked men with ripped abdomens on the front, a skinny blonde in their arms or hanging off of them. Bucky couldn’t understand the appeal, not when they had their own romance.

Last week, he’d bought her a bouquet of daisies. Nothing insane, just a little gesture to brighten her day. Girls in the 40’s had always loved flowers, and Wanda was really no different. She’d blown him in the closet as he’d been trying to choose his attire after she’d put the flowers in a vase.

Now she was propped up at the kitchen table, her book flat and open on the surface as she leaned over, her hair draped over one shoulder. He wanted to kiss her.

Placing a hand gingerly on her back, he dipped his head, brushing his lips against her temple. She murmured in response, hand on the center fold of the page, eyes unmoving.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” She replies, and gives his hand a squeeze, but doesn’t look up.

“Wanda?”

No answer.

He nods, understanding she’s preoccupied. Pulling out the chair, he sits down, propping his chin up to wait.

And he waits.

He drums his fingers, watching her. She flips a page.

How long had it been since he first attempted at an interruption?

More time passes.

For fucks sake.

It can’t be that interesting, can it?

She’s so pretty when she’s intent.

How on earth is she still so focused.

He’s hungry, bored and desperate for her. Standing, he begins opening cabinets and drawers banging them shut not so gently. He sees her stir, her hand dropping from the book to drum on its edges and he grins triumphantly.

Continuing his noise, he finally settles on the peanut butter, removing the lid and letting it clatter to the counter top. Her shoulders twitch, and she sighs lightly, scooting back in her chair before waltzing over to the sofa, plopping down. She’s further from the kitchen, therefore further from the noise.

He groans in frustration, scoops some of the peanut butter and takes a bite. He’d rather be eating her, making her thighs tremble, and he slams the jar down before following in her wake.

He sits on his haunches in front of her.

Book open on her lap, she’s wearing one of his night shirts. Hair loose and unbrushed, it covers her neck and shoulders, whips falling into her face. She’s got fuzzy socks on her feet, her butt and thighs hidden beneath the tee.

He’s looking at home.

“Sweetheart.” He mummers, calling her by her favorite nickname. Her eyes flick to his and he has her within reach. His flesh hand holds her knee, nudging it apart from the other, eyes looking down.

Wandas wearing her silk panties. They’re ruby red, with a black little bow in the middle.

His cock jumps in excitement, and he swallows.

She’s watching him, the book open on her lap but long forgot. Green eyes peering onto his face, the corners of her mouth turning up.

Her leg moves, spreading wider, and she moves so that the tee rides up. Creamy skin is covered by red, her hips opening like a flower, waiting for him to pick her. He looks between her panties and her eyes, both of them mesmerizing.

“Is there something you need, Buck?” She asks innocently, like she is bewitching him. Like he isn’t about to beg her to let him touch her.

“Just you.” His voice is hoarse, needy, and he should be embarrassed. He is embarrassed, but then she leans forward, tucking his hair behind his ear as her foot moves, pressing into his length, and his mind is fuzzy.

Slowly, her foot moves against him, palming him, and he inhales sharply. She smiles at his reaction, kisses his nose and leans back, her foot dropping.

“Can I taste you?” He asks helplessly, hands skimming up her knees to her thighs to her hips, kneading the flesh. She cocks her head to the side, closing her book.

“I don’t know…” she teases, shrugging, but she’s smiling so wide he knows she’ll give in. It’s his turn to play his hand, and he cocks an eyebrow.

Pushing back onto his knees, his hands begin rubbing her skin. He places a kiss on her knee, his scruff brushing her skin, then moves his mouth to her inner knee, and gives it a kitten lick.

He doesn’t have to look up to know she’s starring.

Since her thighs are already spread, Bucky begins his slow crawl up her inner thigh, pulling her closer to the edge of the couch. He licks slowly, her skin soft against his tongue, and puts her legs over his shoulders.

“Ah.” She hums. It’s one word, but it’s all the confirmation he needs to know he’s winning.

Catching her eye, he smiles as he places a kiss to her inner thigh, his nose brushing the silk of her panties. Her mouth is open, and he holds her eyes as he bends down, giving an open mouth kiss to her covered cunt.

Wanda forgets she isn’t the only dominate one.

He won’t rush this, his kiss soft against her. She’s been teasing him for days, sending him risqué photos when they’re apart, dressing in less-than-there clothing when they go out.

They’d formed a habit of taking walks. The fresh air did them well, but when her sports bra had a V-neck, he found it hard to focus on the walking.

His actions are slow, and she’s getting antsy, her chest rising and falling quickly, goosebumps gracing her legs. Placing his mouth over her again, he presses his tongue into the silk, can feel her beneath the thin material, and she tenses.

“Buck.”

His eyes flit to hers, and she’s panting. He lifts his head slightly, jaw slack, and she’s burning with want. Diving back down, he repeats his actions, harsher, and she lets out a low moan, eyes falling shut.

He pulls back and leans up slightly, kissing the crease of her. “If I could die in-between these thighs, I’d be a happy man.”

“You’d be a lucky man,” she retorts, her eyes hooded. “Come here.”

“Ask nicely, ma’am.” He teases, and the look she gives him makes his cock stir.

Sitting up, she removes her legs from around his neck, balancing on the edge of the couch on her knees so that they’re chest to chest. Her hands snake up his chest, fingers curling in his collar. She pulls him to her, searing his mouth with hers. Pulling away, her lips are moist. “Please, kiss me here.”

As she speaks, she grips his wrist, and places his hand between her legs. Emeralds pierce into him, pleading, and he pushes the fabric aside. She’s slick against his fingers and he groans.

He knows she’s had enough, and she asked so nicely. He stands, grabbing her and tossing her over his shoulder. She screams, before laughing wildly as he walks them to the kitchen. Placing her on the dinner table, he shoves her back against the surface, standing between her dangling legs as he removes his shirt.

Wanda bites her lip, spreading her legs happily, and his hand goes to the waist band of her underwear. He pauses, earning him a wail of discomfort.

“Please,” she asks, nodding rapidly. “You’re so close, please.” He pulls the silk off in one felt swoop, dropping it on the table next to her, before going to his knees.

“Best meal in the world.” He whispers, his breath fanning her core and she shifts. Placing her legs over his shoulder, he kisses her thigh. Wanda lifts her head, annoyance lacing her features, and she opens her mouth to tell him off.

All words die in her throat as he gives her a flat, slow lick.

Her head hits the table, the sound harsh and he repeats his actions. Her legs are shaking, drooping down his back and she’s sweeter than any fruit.

Bucky pauses, peeking up at her. Her eyes are closed, chest heaving with a blush creeping up her neck.

He’s done being slow. Yanking his jeans down, he rubs her clit once, twice, pushing the t-shirt up to expose those glorious tits of hers, and her back arches. He strokes himself, his other hand still on her bundle of nerves, and she moans, her voice hoarse.

“I need you,” she whispers, and he bends down over her, his hand balancing his weight by her face. “Don’t tease.”

He’s enjoying this more than he should. With a single grunt, he slides in, up to the hilt. Her nails scrape against the table, against his arms and chest, and her legs are shaking as he thrusts in and out.

The table creeks against the floor, the sound of skin on skin echoing around his apartment.

It’s nothing but bliss, and she stares up at him, a thoroughly-fucked smile on her face, emerald eyes shining in aw, in satisfaction.

He could get lost in those eyes.

His hips are fast, and she’s moaning, hands reaching for him. He bends down and claims her lips, their saliva mixing, and when she bites his tongue his cock twitches inside her.

He comes not long after, always weak when it came to her pristine cunt.

“Read to me?” He sighs, his cheek pressed against her thigh as they come down from their high. They had migrated back to the couch, settling in as Wanda picked up the nearly forgotten novel.

Flipping open the book, her eyes scan quickly. Her lips are plump, red from pressing into his, and he reaches up, his thumb brushing over them. She smiles against his digits, holding the book above his face.

“Have you ever heard of You?” Wanda asks, and Bucky gives her an odd look. She rolls her eyes. “The book. And the show actually. But the book is way better.”

“You..?”

She flips a page. “Yes. It’s about this guy, Joe. He loves this writing student, and he’s willing to do like, anything for her. But she doesn’t love him back, not really. And then in book two, he meets a new girl, Love.”

“Her names Love?” Bucky interjects, and Wanda nods. “What is with the titles in this book.”

“Books,” Wanda corrects. “Anyways Love loves Joe, even thought she finds out some dark stuff about him. She loves him no matter what.”

Bucky crosses his fingers on his lap, intrigued and content by her voice. “Interesting.”

Wanda clears her throat, eyes on the page. She begins reading, her voice light, fingers rubbing his hairline, and his eyes drift closed.

He wakes slightly when he feels a drop of water on his cheek. He looks up, and Wandas eyes are red. She’s still reading, but her voice is wobbly.

“‘It would be nice to have something alive to hold on to right now, something to love me, something with a beating heart that I can feel…something to be with me as I sit here, in hell, trying to figure it out.’” She sighs lowly, unaware he’s awake and watching her.

“Whats wrong hun?” He asks, sitting up. She snaps the book shut, sniffling, and can’t meet his eyes. She says nothing, and he reaches out, pulling her to him. She smells so good, his scent still strong on her skin, and he presses a kiss to her temple.

“Just a sad chapter.” She mumbles, curling into him.

“Mmm,” he hums, his fingers brushing her arm.

They fall asleep, the book faced up on its spine, waiting for her to finish it.

[maryellencarter]

I wrote an entire paper in college analyzing the geology of the Misty Mountains and to a lesser extent the White Mountains (the Misty Mountains are easier because we get a cross-section via Moria). One thing I discovered that still knocks me for a loop when I think about it is:

Moria is the only place in Middle-Earth where mithril is found, right? That's kind of a big deal. So, why? What makes that location so special? Is it just random?

I found a paper that had just been published *that year*, 2011 or 2012 as I was writing it, that studied the locations of precious-metals mines in the Pyrenees, the similarly long skinny mountain chain that divides Spain and France. This paper discovered that where there was a bend in the mountain chain, from one of the continental plates having an awkward corner in it that got subducted under the other plate, that had dug deeper into the mantle and caused precious-metal-bearing ores to flow up to the surface in ways they didn't do anywhere else in the Pyrenees.

There's a conversation in The Fellowship of the Ring where one of the hobbits -- I don't have my copy handy or I'd get the direct quote -- asks why they can see the Misty Mountains ahead of them at one point if they're still heading south from Rivendell, and it's explained that south of Caradhras (which you may recall is the surface mountain under which Moria runs) the mountain chain bends and runs southwest instead of due south for a while.

Tolkien had absolutely no way to know *why* this particular feature of a mountain range was associated with intrusions of rare and unique metal ores, but he had gone backpacking in mountains enough to know How Things Should Look.

(And as prev excellently points out, when Jirt made screwed-up geology it was very much on purpose. Mordor shouldn't be square! Mount Doom shouldn't be doing any of the things it does! A composite volcano shouldn't even have especially hot lava! Even the Gulf of Udun, the circular feature at the upper left corner of the square, shouldn't be like that -- perfectly round features should be impact craters or calderas, not The Mountains Just Do This In A Suspiciously Convenient Way. These are all the way they are because Sauron forced them to be, in defiance of the laws of nature. Remember, he's akin to Balrogs and was a Maia of Aulë -- he's a volcano spirit in many ways.)

reminder to worldbuilders: don't get caught up in things that aren't important to the story you're writing, like plot and characters! instead, try to focus on what readers actually care about: detailed plate tectonics

[ropemp3]

i wish i was skinny nd tall

[muscle-worlds-stories]

In a bit of a mood tonight mate, best to make make horny wishes first and think about em later.

I would love to be overgrown!! To be an enormous bodybuilder unable to find anything that fits. I wanna be the definition of too big. Thanks mate

Would love to help with the horniness my friend. You've always wanted to be an overgrown bodybuilder so I'll make that wish come true. To just get a little bit of clarity, we're gonna look at what we are working with first. Looking at you, you're a fairly average sized guy. Pretty nerdy at that with all those video game tattoos on your arms. You've described yourself as introverted and submissive, wanting to become the complete 180 of yourself. So let's get started.

I'm gonna give you this small little pill, take it. Starting to feel anything? Your body is starting to stretch up to the ceiling mate. You begin to groan as your bones stretch longer and longer, you can now touch the ceiling with your whole hand without fully extending it! Look at those long monkey arms and giraffe legs. They may be skinny now, but that'll change in a moment. Beads of sweat start to roll down your head. Your body is heating up as your limbs begin to slowly swell up. First your feet stretch out into thick hobbit like feet. Your legs begin to fully explode outward. Thick meaty calves now replace the chicken legs you used to have, and damn look at those thunder thighs you have now. You'll be able to squat carrying a car easy!

Your core begins to thicken into a nice, firm gut. One that can have chunky abs if you really trained them hard enough. Your pecs begin to bounce, and with each bounce they become bigger and bigger. Look at how swole and round they are, just begging to be touched. Your frame has gotten so big now. Those once frail shoulders have exploded outward into rock hard rounds. You're gonna have a hard time finding shirts and doors to fit that span you now have. Your arms thicken into beefy logs, with biceps the size of watermelons. You could probably crush a watermelon with just one arm just look at them. Thick forearms and big meaty hands that seem that they could lift anything like it was a feather.

Your neck thickens and your voice drops down to a sexy, commanding bass. Your traps stretch connecting your meaty neck and shoulders together. God you're now completely massive. Just look at you now! I hope this is how big you wanted to be. Now go out there and try to find clothes that can even cover you!

[heilith]

Hey and welcome to my Masterlist! :) I won’t make any special warnings, except, perhaps, that I’m a pretty adult user and things I write can be adult, too. So, 18+, read at your own risk. Other than that, you’re heartily invited to partake in my fandom insanity. 

I mostly write for LOTR and The Hobbit, with very rare exceptions.

                                                  Thorin, Fili, Kili

Imagine Thorin cupping your face between his hands gently and revealing to you his worries that he’s too old for you.

Just a name - Imagine Thorin walking in of very intimate encounter between you, Fili and Kili. Kili x Fili x Reader smut, Thorin. 

The Anchor - Imagine Thorin trying to wake you up from a coma after BOTFA, saying “I love you” for the first time.

Shipping you shipping me - Imagine the company shipping you and Thorin.

Diamond - Imagine having the ability to communicate telepathically with Thorin, usually discussing details about the quest, and one night he confesses his thoughts about wanting to make slow, long, passionate love to you.

For Sore Eyes - Imagine watching the sunset with Thorin.

Up Here - Imagine Fili being so happy that you’re a human, because his face is on the same level with your breasts. Not that he doesn’t like your face or eyes, but boobs are boobs, and he’s obsessed with yours. 

Lost in Translation - Imagine Thorin trying to tell you that he wants some action.

Grey in the Night  - Imagine holding hands with Thorin as you walk through Erebor’s tunnels and caves.

Butterflies - Imagine Kili kissing you for the first time

No-name Kili fluff, under 500 words, absolutely no plot. :)

For Heroes Only - Imagine messing around with Fili’s knives, accidentally hurting yourself, and him giving you a bit of a scolding + Imagine everyone having an apple pie, but making Fili a cherry pie just for him, because the apples make him sick.

Treasure - Not all mistakes are evil, Thorin x reader, for the Kiss-kiss challenge

Kiss-kiss challenge - quick requested kisses from Kili, Fili, Eomer, Thorin, Sherlock. Nothing serious, pure fun. :) Some are reblogged from the requesters, ‘cause I’d submitted them. 

Collaborations with Averil-of-Fairlea:

Truth or Dare - Imagine the Company not knowing what a thong is

A Little More Boldness - Imagine kissing Thorin’s happy trail. 

A Bad Influence - Imagine Thorin catching you skinny dipping with Fili & Kili, and being angry with you for corrupting his nephews but secretly he wants you for himself.  + A Bad influence, Part 2  - Imagine Thorin throwing you over his shoulder, because you’re being too stubborn.  

Of Sacks and Snacks -  Imagine having to share a sack with Kili because the mountain Trolls didn’t have enough.

A Heart Adrift - Thorin x Reader, minor Fili x Reader, a tale of betrayal, and jealousy, and eventual happy endings. :)

                                                      Thranduil

All my love - Imagine being Thranduil’s wife and seeing him after he comes back from battling fire drakes. You see his scarred face for his first time. Instead of being repulsed, you smile sadly and tell him you love him just as much as the day you married him; and you show him just that.

Goodnight - Imagine Thranduil comforting you during a storm and you’re afraid of thunder and lightning.

Hushaby - Imagine being so busy with what you’re working on that you haven’t slept in days. Your husband, Thranduil, find you passed out on a pile of your work and carries you to bed.

Flash Fiction Writing challenge. Really angsty.

Enough - Imagine Thranduil pressing a soft kiss to your baby bump.

No Time for Love - Who dares disobey the King and get away with it? 

Where now - Implied Thranduil. Who doesn’t like a bit of a foreplay?

                                                   Boromir, Faramir

Good Intentions - Imagine slipping a love potion to Boromir.

Touchy Feely - Imagine caressing Boromir’s beard.

Imagine distracting Faramir, playing footsie with him during a dinner with Denethor.

Imagine stepping out of the shower, and Boromir wrapping a soft towel around your shoulders.

A keepsake - The reader (an elf) gives Boromir her old ring as a gift, made too early to hold any kind of magic, but also too early to be tainted by any kind of darkness. A gift for a king, or a lover.

Summer snow - Faramir and Sam share a friendly drink. :) A bit of Faramir x Eowyn.

Now - A slightly angsty alone time in Lothlorien, for the prompt “Have you no regrets?”, Boromir x reader

Three of swords - When temptations are stronger than reasoning, and the future is unclear, Boromir x reader.

Two is Too Much -  Imagine being a member of the Fellowship and after the Ring quest, half the Fellowship wants to set you up with Faramir and the other half wants you to pick Boromir.

What You Wish For -  Imagine Faramir always kissing your hand as he’s greeting you, and while you think it’s just a court formality, he can hardly wait for another chance to do it.

Touch Me Not - A wedding night with a reluctant bride, no smut, just fluff. Boromir x reader

Night by Night - Bed sharing with Boromir with a bit of a twist, for the Fluff Bingo challenge. 

Jealous Boromir is jealous , but the reader is oblivious. A short something for the Boromir x jealousy warmup request. 

Collaboration with Averil-of-Fairlea: Into the Light - Imagine Boromir finally confessing his love for you + Imagine Boromir buying a beautiful dress for you.

                                                             Eomer

Friends in Need - Imagine helping Eomer out of his armor after the Battle of Pelennor Fields.

Collaboration with Averil-of-Fairlea: In the Eyes of the Fallen - Imagine being part of the Fellowship and Eomer seeing you for the first time after the Battle of Helm’s Deep, finding himself unable to look away from you.

Collaboration with Averil-of-Fairlea: In Plain Sight (Sequel to In the Eyes of the Fallen) -  Imagine Aragorn trying to set you up on a date with Eomer.

                                                             Legolas

Too close -  Imagine Legolas proposing to you during the Feast of Starlight

Of stars and silence -  Imagine lying next to Legolas and looking up at the stars.

Feel me - Imagine getting stuck in a small place with Legolas and being able to feel exactly how much fun he’s having.

                                                              Lindir 

Appearances - Imagine your first meeting with Lindir + Appearances 2, Unveiled, Undone

A Stand In:

Part 1. Imagine being Elrond’s daughter and him betrothing you to Lindir.  + 1 Deleted scene

Part 2. Imagine letting Lindir have his way with you.

Part 3. Imagine Rivendell being attacked, and Lindir taking an arrow for you, knowing it’s all he can do to save you, since he’s poor at combat. (Blood, violence)

Part 4 - Epilogue  Minor mentions of blood.

Sing my soul - It’s Lindir who is sung to, for a change.

Bottled Up - Imagine finding out that Lindir has never been kissed. The Unexpected Collaboration Challenge (THAUC22), for the prompt “Musical bards and their heroic muses”

A Way to Wake Up - Breakfast in bed with Lindir, for Sweet and Spicy Bingo

                                                           Haldir

Autumn hands - Imagine avoiding touching Haldir, because your hands are almost always cold, but he actually loves the feeling of them on his skin after a tiring day.

With a kiss - Imagine being a healer and saving Haldir after the battle of Helm’s deep only for him to fall in love with you. A sort of a prequel for “Autumn hands”

A Dream or True - “I heard you talking in your sleep”, Haldir x reader

Loss and Gain - a hug from the Marchwarden to fix a bad day.

                                         Orophin, Gil-Galad, Elrond

A Life to Spare - Imagine Gil-galad giving up immortality for his human lover.

Sing, Princess - Imagine Haldir’s brother Orophin enjoying your stories and the sound of your voice.

In Your Arms - Trust and comfort is all that is about. Elrond x reader.

In The Middle - Sometimes things are not that simple. Elrond x reader, Lindir x reader

                                                           Bofur, Dwalin

Imagine being afraid to tell Bofur that you love him, then finding out he feels the same.

Thing of Beauty -  Love is the eyes of beholder.Bofur x reader (This one is Adult)

Who comes uncalled -  Imagine a young Dwalin sneaking away to Dale to catch up with a pretty human lass.  

                                                 Bard the Bowman

Imagine being the daughter of the Master of Laketown and having a secret relationship with Bard. (Adult)

                                                           Smaug

  Dragon’s share - (as requested) An AU, where Thranduil is an incredibly famous actor, falling for his equally famous co-star, loving for from afar and preparing to wait for her, when he knows how happy she is with one of the best actors in Hollywood - Human!Smaug of all people. Modern settings, mature.

                                                      Not Tolkien

Loki:

For the Mercy - Imagine Loki letting you braid his hair. Loki x reader

The Labyrinth (1986):

Haunted - Sarah finds herself a pester against her will. But is it unwelcome? And who is behind it? A Jareth x Sarah reunion, rated Mature

The header and the dividers are taken from Saradika

[distinguisheddwarffriend]

Glorfindel in the Fellowship would have been such a beautiful mess.

- double elven sass

- PTBS & flashback due to Balrog exposure

- OR "hold my wine, I've done this before"

- spilling all the first/second age gossip about every passing elf in Lorien to distract the fellowship from their grief

- saves Boromir by catching every arrow & blinding the orcs with their beauty, then does mouth to mouth just to be safe, Boromir's muffled voice questioning his sexuality

- I kinda see him following Frodo & Sam tbh, he be like "yeah, you take those hobbits, I'll go after the other two. Have you seen them, they're like 12?! Well, they look like it, dudes wear WAISTCOATS to a doomed quest"

- he'd probably force-therapy Smeagol so that by the time they reach the black gate Gollum is gone

- OR he's like "nah, fucker is babblin bs, never trust someone that hisses their 's'

- he'd turn Shelob into a crunchy kebab, "what, we need to eat, don't we? Proteins!"

- has a secret stash of Mirovor for those last days in Mordor

- at the end so fucked up about the dirt in his hair that he's kinda willing to just yeet Frodo into the lava when he doesn't want to give up the ring, settles for just knocking him out instead

- "oh great, we save the fucking world & in wants to TOAST us in return, fuck this", carries a hobbit under each arm and parkours his way to a high point for better eagle pick up

- once reunited with the others at the field camp in ithilien he just disrobes at the next water source, flashing half the Rohirrim who then all have a collective "am I gay, tho?" Crisis while staring at this glowing elf skinny dipping in freezing water (and then of course shamelessly air dries in the sun until Gimli throws a towel at him)

- gets drunk during the coronation and hits on EVERYONE, even on Arwen "but I AM prettier, right? Is it because I don't have a beard? I can steal a beard, where is that dwarf!"

- Follows the Hobbits into the shire cus in all his years he's never been there before

- "so, this is not as great as you described it. Wdym it usually doesn't look like that?" Saruman dissolves into scared dust upon seeing him come up Bagshot Row

- does NOT sail for a whole ass long time. Will be the last elf to remain in Middle Earth, just because

- OR, if he instead joined the chase after Merry & Pippin, with BOROMIR of course, he totally flirts with the trees in Fangorn, makes Eomer cry, kills Grima upon first sight, becomes besties with Eowyn & sneaks her into the fight at Helms Deep, does NOT follow Aragorn into the death tunnel but instead stays with "his blonde gang"; "Legolas killed a whole Mumakil on his own? Pah, I'll raise you to three Mumakils AND a lower Nazgul!"; sets up Eowyn & Faramir, is the one to behead The mouth of Sauron

See one of my favorite Rivendell headcanons is that even though it's a wonderful, peaceful sanctuary, pretty much everyone there could be incredibly dangerous if they wanted to be. Like, let's think about who lives in that valley.

Elrond Peredhel, resident healer and eldritch crime against nature, self-explanatory

Glorfindel, slayer of balrogs, self-explanatory

Erestor, probably Feanorian, definitely dangerous

Old Feanorian diehards, all of whom are probably looking for an excuse to commit morally justified violence

Old Gondolindrim/Iathrim, who, despite what they might tell you, are exactly as dangerous as the Feanorians

Garthaglir the Library Orc, who absolutely remembers how to use the giant battleaxe he keeps behind his desk

A strange, shadowy figure roaming the valley who I'm *sure* isn't Maglor Feanorian, but who is nonetheless a terrifying singer

Elladan and Elrohir, who have spent the last several centuries becoming nightmare fuel for Sauron's forces

Arwen, eldritch, bites

Bilbo Baggins, not to be underestimated, can defeat a grown man with nothing more than his scathingly polite commentary

Dunedain visitors, vaguely feral, highly trained

Aragorn, very feral, highly trained

Lindir, not actually dangerous, but if you upset him you are going to have problems with everyone else on this list

I actually really like the idea that a lot of the people who live in Rivendell are inherently kind of dangerous, because it means that they're actively choosing peace and kindness for themselves and I love that.

[gerardpilled]

i was like 9 when hesitant alien was released so obviously i wasn’t in the fandom at that point, but now as a current fan looking back at that era where gerard was presenting more “masculinely” wearing suits and having short hair (insert tucking hair behind ears tweet) while also discussing trans rights and gender constantly and now tuck their hair behind their ears and wear dresses and clothes from the “womens” section (which i know now the gendered sections are stupid but gerard grew up in the 80s) maybe i’m being invasive but also i kinda wanna blow myself up

how gerard has chosen to dress and present throughout the years is really interesting and it does feel like what we are currently witnessing is the result of years of constructive progress, rather than any kind of regression period!

here are my long-winded and unorganized thoughts that i'll emphasize now (for brevity's sake) are all just my personal takeaways:

I feel like it's almost weird for me to see people refer to the HA era as "masculinely" because, I don't know about everyone else, but I almost viewed that era as gerard at his most feminine at the time. Yes, they wore the traditional "man" outfit of a suit and tie, but it always provoked more "ziggy stardust" and less "lounge singer" to me personally. Maybe it was the pre-existing decades of people calling Bowie effeminate and androgynous, but the whole alien aesthetic and short vibrant orange hair always kinda felt like an ultimate non-binary look. Not saying gerard falls under the label of non-binary, just meant the stage persona at the time felt like it transcended gender labels. I should also point out that although i was a fan and keeping somewhat up-to-date with news, I wasn't really aware of what he was saying on stage. When I was, well... I feel like I took it for granted at the time. I was younger (15) and never really followed celebrities in this way before, so when he was showing support for trans kids I basically had no idea it was so, dare I say, revolutionary (and still is today). This was also around the time they did the now famous Reddit AMA talking about gender-based therapy, so it really has always felt like an element of who gerard is.

If anything, maybe the period from 2016-2019ish made people forget this? He was showing up to comic related things with a beard and khakis and to a lot of people it was a big change. Nowadays it feels like people have a way more nuanced and respectable opinion of this 'hobbit/wizard' era, but for a lot of young, less educated people it was jarring.

For the whole 'women's section' thing: I get it! it's nice to see him wear whatever they want, but also they have always shopped in the 'women's section'. I get why people feel like a blouse means more than 'women's' skinny jeans, but also, it's just a shirt. The dresses and skirts, well. Truly, I never in a million years thought we would be here. Not from a 'gerard has come so far 🥺' standpoint (b/c again, I don't know him) but more I can't believe this is the current state of My Chemical Romance and they all are allowing me to see it.

Not at all arguing with you or disagreeing! Just wanted to share my standpoint as someone who was technically there for all this :)