#what was going through your mind Gansey…

[cabeswaterdrowned]

gay people can never just tell their crush they’re hot it’s always some shit like “hey, tiger”.

[stillfrownyclownlol]

FROWNY.

I FINISHED THE BOOK.

UM. WHAT THE FUCK???

okay. so. Piper died??? Which kind of shocked me but she was literally making deals with a Demon so I’m not too upset. It was inevitable.

Um. GLENDOWER. THAT MOTHER FUCKER??? HE WAS DEAD ALL ALONG????? WHAT THE FUCK. Then Adam gets passed by the Demon and almost kills RONAN???? Damn. Okay. THEN RONAN ALMOST GETS UNMADE????? OKAY. THEN PERSEPHONE SHOWS UP??????? WTHAT. THE. FUCK.

Okay. GANSEY DIES. I mean. YeAh. Duh. But like. I was hoping he wouldn’t — but then. THEN CABESWATER REVIVES HIM??? He’s slightly less human than before and tbh I don’t mind that.

BUT ALSO. NOAH. MY SWEET SWEET BOY. HE WAS THE ONE WHO RESURRECTED GANSEY??

HE’S THE ONE WHO TOLD HIM TO LOOK FOR GLENDOWER??? (Well I guess not told but still!!!)

And Henry??? HENRY??? Oh my Lord he’s just shoe-horned into the group and I honestly am so happy he is. Because at least he has actual friends now?? And him Blue and Gansey are gonna go on a trip across the world??? HELL YEAH!!

And ADAM CONFRONTING HIS PARENTS??? That was so sad and sweet amdvskbejdbshjdhe. And Ronan??? UGH. ORPHAN GIRL HAS A NAME????

Holy shit this series was a wild ride and I’m honestly so happy you recommended it to me. I am in pain though. This book made me go through SO MANY emotions.

Exact Same reaction I had 💀

Yeah turns out making deals with giant wasp demons is...bad for your health...AND YEAH GLENDOWER WAS DEAD THE WHOLE TIME 😭 ADAM GETTING POSSESSED ALMOST BROKE ME ON FUCKING GOD WKHFOWHD SO DID RONAN GETTING UNAMDE AND AURORA DYING AKDKSHDKS AND

I'm so obsessed with how Maggie wrote Gansey's death I think about it constantly I slipped a little bit into a fic I wrote where Aiden does-

"He slipped quietly from time." DO NOT DO THIS TO ME WHAT THE HELL 😭

Hehshjsgdka yes in the next book you get some hints about him <3

It was so depressing to see him go through the future and see how his mom would ignore him even tho she was saying she still wanted to see him ☹️☹️☹️ like accurate bbut still...

YES HI OPAL MY DEAR LITTLE GOAT GIRL I LOVE YOU

Hehe I'm glad you liked it :) have fun with the dreamer trilogy ✨️ (they're even freaking longer)

[adamprrishcycle]

Okay, you want to talk Ronsey, you better buckle up! (This is going to be long, sorry!)

As the formerly known TRK Anon, I can confidently say that trc is still somewhat fresh in my mind, so I have lots of examples to support my argument. Now, given that I have only read the series once, my character analysis might not be as deep or intense as yours.

If you don't know already, I am a huge Gansey lover/supporter/follower/fan/worshiper/bitch. (Will Patton’s rendition of Gansey drives me absolutely feral!!!!) I have loved him since the very first time we know about his existence (Which is page 15 of TRB). If Gansey is part of the equation, I ship it! Bluesey, Ronsey, Declansey, Adansey, HELL…even Chengsey (I could care less about Henry, so the fact that I acknowledge this ship is a big gesture on my part) I just want to make it clear that I am not an Adansey hater, it's just not my kind of jam (*shrugs*)

I know that what Gansey means to me, Adam is to you. But Adam was tough for me. Like REAL TOUGH to discern. It was not until halfway through TRK (practically when Pynch becomes canon) that I was finally able to appreciate him, to see him eye to eye and say: You ARE knowable. I will give it to Adam, he has the best, most memorable, character growth/development in the entire series (Ronan being a close second). But his stubbornness during TRB/TDT was so unbearable to me. He was such a DICK to Gansey. And yes, there were instances when Gansey deserved it (like the hospital scene) but most of their interactions (at the beginning of the series) are somewhat tense. They are constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to trigger/offend/provoke the other. There are MULTIPLE references to them fighting pre-canon, mostly about money, occasionally about who owns who. The whole DC trip was so stressful for all parties involved. In fact, Adam was so unapproachable that Gansey and Blue kept their relationship a secret because of how difficult he had been back then. (Honestly, I think he would have unalive them both) Plus, he is a hypocrite (I guess we all are) because when the rent thing happens, he goes to Gansey first and throws a fit about it!! But when he finds out that Ronan actually paid his rent, he is “cool” about it. He doesn’t argue with him. He doesn’t feel offended. He just accepts it (it being both the money and the fact). The one thing that really upsets me is Adam wanting the favor for himself. I understand why he wants it, but he knows it is Gansey’s life purpose to find Glendower. It feels like a betrayal, you know? I just cannot stand people being mean to Gansey, it triggers me!!!!

And yes, I get it, there are some good moments between them. Like the call with Mallory when Gansey is trying to make Adam laugh. Or Adam fixing/diagnosing the pig. Or the two of them being ushers on Raven Day. But these moments are so…normal (mundane?) that they don’t feel special.

To me, Adansey is a somewhat “toxic” ship. It is a one-sided relationship, because Gansey gives and gives and Adam refuses to take. Adam practically (and literally) loathes? abhors? despises? everything that Gansey stands for (money, friendship, status, family, you get the gist). How can you possibly love someone that is the poster child of everything you hate?! I think Adansey would be the perfect ship for enemies to friends to lovers.

But Ronsey, oh my dear Ronsey!!!! To me, Ronsey is all about Gansey and Ronan meeting before Niall’s death. The way Gansey describes Ronan before his father’s death is so intoxicating. Gansey mourning the joyful boy that Ronan used to be. Gansey getting emotional over Ronan’s laugh. Gansey being completely and utterly amazed by Ronan’s dream creations (“You incredible creature”). Ronan being unconditionally devoted to Gansey. Ronan being devastated that Gansey has other friends; that Gansey is going to DC with Adam and not him. Ronan and Gansey. Gansey and Ronan. Maybe I am not making any sense right now because my brain convulses just thinking about these two.

They have been through it all. God, there are so many moments pre-canon that I wish we could get to experience. Can you imagine Gansey panicking at the hospital with Ronan’s blood in his hands? Can you imagine Ronan teaching Gansey how to punch?! I can’t remember if canon ever confirms how Gansey acquired his journal, but can you imagine if Ronan bought it for him!?!?!

@singersargentboi said it best: “The thing I love about Ronsey is that even in the books theres this sort of unhinged devotion between them that toes the line at being romantic/sexual.” Let’s unpack this together. Exhibit A) Kavinsky’s substance party. O.M.G. Gansey being such a deranged version of himself that even Ronan cannot stop smiling about it. (“What is it my dog needs?” JUST KILL ME ALREADY) Exhibit B) Ronan dreaming the keys to the Camaro in such a steamy delicate way that I am pretty sure he woke up with a tent in his pants. Exhibit C) Gansey bribing a full-grown adult for Ronan. Exhibit D) Gansey constantly scolding/disciplining/bossing Ronan and somehow stopping the Lynch brothers from killing each other. Exhibit E) Ronan going back home against his dad’s wishes, but still turns to Gansey for comfort (“Can I go and see mom?”) And if all of this does not convince you, I’ll leave you with this: “Gansey was far more of a brother to Ronan than Declan had ever been.”

However, I come to you with a peace offering, a secret third option: RODANSEY. Throughout the series it is constantly noted that 3 is the perfect number for magic ;)

THANK YOU FOR SPILLING YOUR THOUGHTS INTO MY ASK BOX 😍 this is delish and wow a HOT TAKE (to me, a simple woman who will live and die on the hill of adam parrish 🫶) although I understand your grievances from a protect-gansey-at-all-costs point of view! I think you’re right about them having the potential to be a toxic ship because of how much they fight. What’s funny to me is how it seems like they don’t understand each other… yet there’s at least 3 times in TRB alone where they communicate just by looking at each other which is amazing considering from what we know they have only been friends a few years but they’re that close and on that exact same level together. But then… they’re not. I think Adam has just had to rely on himself for so long that he can’t reprogram his brain to think differently, and gansey has had loving parents and a good sibling relationship and intense friendships therefore he can’t even begin to understand adam. They’re on diff planets right? They can’t relate to each other in any way shape or form. But then…. love comes along and makes it work??!??! This is why I’m an adansey girl.

BUT everything you said about ronsey…. That ferocious love I will never ever be over it ever 🥹 unhinged devotion is exactly right. And we all know the when I’m gone dream me the world quote but FOR ME it’s “he couldn’t say it, though. There were a thousand reasons why he couldn’t say it” like???? We were just supposed to move on from that? I can’t I wont.

(side note cuz I gotta defend my boy declan and say he is the best brother ever and I will not expand at this time bc spoilers but the dreamer trilogy will)

Rodansey…… now you’re talking my language. Truce? 🤝 thank u for this ask it’s made my day xx

[zephfair]

Prompt: (if you are open to such)

Pynch on a hike!

A: "at least the view was worth it, it's so beautiful"

R: "not as beautiful as you are" CHEESY RONAN IT IS

HEY there, beautiful Anon! Guess who's showing up 5 months late with your ficlet??? That's right! Me! 🤦‍♀️

I'm so very sorry it took me 5 months to post this! It's cheesy and fluffy and has absolutely 0 plot ... so basically it's exactly like all the rest of my writing.

But I really hope you enjoy this short little gift! Thank you SO MUCH for leaving me a prompt, and again, I apologize for taking so long to finish it!

After Ronan insisted on taking a rest break for the fifth time in two hours, Adam had enough and bitched back.

“Lynch, I know for a fact that you can walk longer than 20 minutes at a time, even if it is uphill,” he said. “Now get your ass in gear.”

Ronan huffed, in annoyance, not from being out of shape. “I just don’t see why we have to go on a hike while you’re home on spring break. We could be doing something so much more fun at home.”

“What could be better than exploring the woods and mountains on a sunny spring day? And don’t you dare say fucking.”

“Wasn’t gonna,” Ronan sulked. “Not in the mood now, anyway.”

Adam hefted his backpack up a little snugger. “That’s a lie, Lynch. You’re always in the mood.”

“You’re right,” Ronan smirked at him. “Speaking of…”

“No way. We are finishing this hike.”

Ronan tilted his head back and let loose a string of cursing that always impressed Adam in the strangest way. Once he got it out of his system, Adam tried his best to loom over the rock where Ronan sat.

“Feel better now? Need another drink? Boots feeling all right?” he asked in a saccharine voice.

Ronan narrowed his eyes as he looked up. “These boots weren’t made for walking up a mountain all day. And yeah, I need a drink. You got anything stronger than Gatorade?”

“No. Now get your ass up and get walking.”

Ronan’s groan was at least five seconds long and loud enough to make some birds fly away from a nearby tree.

“Your objection has been noted. Move.”

Ronan’s grumbling followed him doggedly. “Don’t you need to stop and check your phone? It’s practically glued to your face these days,” he mocked at one point. “Won’t your friends be scared if they can’t reach you at any moment? If you don’t text back ASAP? Won’t your books be lonely if you don’t have your face shoved in them all damn day?”

It wasn’t quite enough to ruin Adam’s good mood. He’d thought bringing Ronan on a day-long hike would be fun, and it had started well, with a beautiful sunrise as they drove to the bottom of the hiking trail. Ronan had even cooperated with picking out snacks and drinks and agreed to carry a backpack, too.

But as the morning wore on, and the trail continued up into the woods, Ronan began to get bored. At first he tried talking to Adam, bitching and complaining, but Adam had ignored him to point out all the beauties of the forest in spring.

Then the frequent pee breaks and sitting spells began.

When Ronan plopped down on a fallen log and insisted on another break, Adam snapped.

“Why the hell are you being such a pain in the ass?”

“I hate hiking,” Ronan said sulkily, pawing through his backpack for another granola bar.

Adam ran a hand over his face and tried to calm down. “You’ve been hiking for miles all over the Blue Ridge with Gansey. And me. And Hennessy loves bitching about the time you introduced her to Lindenmere by making her hike there in her fancy outfit. We’ve explored all the land around the Barns multiple times. What is it about this hike that is turning you into such a giant whiny baby?”

“It wasn’t like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“It wasn’t,” Ronan gestured broadly around himself, “like this.”

Adam stared at him, arms crossed over his chest, and waited, but there was no further explanation offered. “So what’s so different.”

“It’s just, there was a goal in mind, before. This just feels pointless.”

Adam continued to stare at him, so Ronan tried to explain.

“With Gansey and you, it was fun, and we were hunting Glendower and all that shit. It was hiking for an adventure, to find the end of the puzzle. And Lindenmere is its own goal, so it’s not this,” he gestured at the woods again, “just walking around in circles or shit. We got to the end. It wasn’t pointless.”

“I thought,” Adam said softly, “the point was to spend the day together doing something we both enjoyed. Man, was I wrong.”

“Adam, no,” Ronan jumped up and grabbed his shoulders. “I didn’t mean it like that. I love spending time with you. You know that.”

Adam finally met his eyes and shrugged.

“I guess, I guess I just need to know where I’m going, or know that there’s something worth finding when I get there. Otherwise it’s just traipsing around the woods and getting blisters on my feet when we could be at home, in bed, finding a happy ending.”

Adam snorted despite himself. Ronan smiled a little and leaned his forehead against Adam’s.

“I guess it’s like the age-old question about whether life is about the journey or the destination. We have two very different philosophies,” Adam said.

“Don’t make this into some big psychological thing,” Ronan moaned. “I’m just tired and grumpy and my feet hurt.”

Now, that sounded more like his Ronan, and Adam knew how to motivate that.

“So, you’re saying I have to set you a goal, like a preschooler. Give you a gold star if you accomplish this task?”

“Or,” Ronan stroked down Adam’s arms and crept around his waist, “you can bribe me.”

“You seriously expect me to bribe you? What would it cost me to get you out of the house on a beautiful day that we can spend together?”

“I dunno. What’s it worth to you?” Ronan asked breathily in his ear.

“I think we’re working on different reward systems here.”

“There’s one thing you can offer.” The way Ronan tried to waggle his eyebrows in what he probably thought was seduction or playful didn’t work on Adam.

He said firmly, “No, Lynch, we’re not doing that here.”

“Why not?” Ronan was still talking heavily in his ear.

“Because that’s how you get tick bites on your dick. Do you want to get a tick attached to your dick? That’s how you get super Lyme disease.”

That pronouncement made Ronan step back and cup his hand protectively over his groin. “Seriously?”

“I don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want either of our dicks infested with ticks. Now let’s pick up the pace,” Adam glanced at his watch. “We do have somewhere to be.”

Ronan kept a low undertone of grumbling as he followed Adam up and along and down and up again.

“You know, you wouldn’t lose your breath if you shut the fuck up for a while and quit complaining,” Adam told him.

Ronan stomped along behind him in silence then.

But even Adam was feeling the strain in his legs when they got to the top of the hill that Adam was pretty sure was their destination from the sound of it.

The trail came out onto a clearing at the side of the mountain. The view out over the valley was beautiful, with a patchwork of farms and lawns and woods crisscrossed by the tiny ribbons of roads and the minuscule boxes of houses, barns and buildings.

Immediately above was a waterfall that roared from a stream coming down from the top of the mountain and swollen with melting snow pack. From where they stood, the waterfall looked like it was falling the entire way down the mountain, but was actually caught in a rocky pool below them that would let it funnel down in a creek to the valley below.

Looking out over the water into the valley was a little vertigo inducing, Adam thought, just for a minute.

He glanced up at the sky then checked behind for Ronan. “I think we got here in time. Wait until that cloud moves away from the sun.”

When it did, the sunlight hit the water and at the right angle, it created a huge rainbow arcing down the side of the mountain.

“Wow. That’s gay,” Ronan said.

“Excuse me?”

“You know what I mean. Is this what we walked all this fucking way for?”

Adam shrugged. “Yeah, but also because it’s a fun and healthy way to spend a day in nature.”

“I could’ve had more fun and more health spending it in bed.”

Adam gestured toward the idyllic picture of the valley far below them. “At least the view was worth it. It’s so beautiful.”

“Not as beautiful as you are,” Ronan said.

“Dammit, Lynch, that’s really cheesy.”

“I know. But it’s true.”

Adam side-eyed him. “You do realize that we now have to walk back down that entire mountain?”

Ronan shrugged and slung his arm around Adam’s shoulders, leaning on him heavily. “At least we’ll be together, right?”

“Oh sure. Now you’re suddenly fine with this whole hiking thing.”

“Nah, but I’m fine about spending an entire day with you. I guess it is nice, knowing that you won’t be distracted by homework or school shit or your phone. Or your little school friends.”

“I guess that’s true,” Adam said slowly, finally realizing the depth that Ronan was jealous of sharing him. He bumped his hip, hard enough to make Ronan take his own weight back. “Maybe we need more days, just the two of us together. No distractions.”

Ronan made a pfft sound that was probably disdain but Adam knew to read as agreement.

“Whatever,” Ronan said and turned his head to bite Adam’s cheek. “Now how about I pretend I’m a tick and I bite and suck you.”

“You’re such a romantic, Lynch,” Adam said, but he was already fighting with his belt as Ronan started to laugh at him. “But if I get a tick-borne illness…”

“I’ll take care of you. Promise,” Ronan said, his voice suddenly deepening.

Adam reached for him, holding his face in his hands, as he looked over the familiar, annoying, beloved face. When Ronan kissed him, it felt like a promise of something deeper and truer than an off-the-cuff joke; like many of his interactions with Ronan, pairing the obnoxious with the holy in one desirable package.

“Thanks for coming with me today,” Adam said as Ronan kissed his way down Adam’s neck.

“Thanks for spending it with me,” Ronan replied, his hands taking over on Adam’s belt. “Now shut up and enjoy the view.”

Adam did, very much.

[iammistressofmyfate]

Pet Play & Collars for Ronan/Gansey if it sparks joy? 👀👀

I love that you're picking all of the prompts that I've never written before! Making me flex my writing muscles! This was fun!! I hope you like it!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

68 & 86. Collars & Pet Play

[Kinky/Spicy Prompts]

Ronan stood very still, eyes closed, head bowed, as Gansey fixed the collar he’d placed around Ronan’s neck. It was tight, enough for him to feel it, but not too tight that it restricted his capacity to breathe. He could smell mint and the detergent he and Gansey shared, could feel the heat of Gansey’s body close to his. 

Ronan thought he would be more anxious about this, but he was surprisingly calm. This was Gansey, one of the few people left in the world that he trusted completely, that he would do anything for, so taking this step wasn’t really outside the realm of possibility for him. 

He was Gansey’s dog, through and through, and he didn’t feel like that was anything to be ashamed of. He was loyal and fierce and protective, and it was a nice feeling having those qualities appreciated and recognized. 

It sweetened the deal a little to know that he’d be rewarded for it, too. 

“How’s that?” Gansey asked and Ronan opened his eyes, looking down at Gansey. He’d taken his contacts out and was wearing his glasses, his brown hair handsomely mussed. He was looking at Ronan critically, assessing for discomfort. 

“Fine,” Ronan replied and Gansey smiled. 

“Good,” he hummed warmly. “Now, like we practiced, yeah?” 

Ronan nodded, watching Gansey step away, moving around the room purposefully, gathering his backpack, placing it close to his desk. He pulled a notebook and textbook out of it, settling things on his desk, and Ronan waited patiently. 

Gansey sat, turning to Ronan, beckoning with a finger. “Come.”

Ronan came. 

“Sit.” 

Ronan sank to his knees next to Gansey’s desk chair, looking up at him, holding himself still as he waited. Gansey was in a pair of basketball shorts and his polo shirt, barefooted, comfortable, settling in for an evening at home. Ronan was in nothing but his boxer-briefs. 

“Good boy,” Gansey hummed, warm and fond, stroking a hand over the curve of Ronan’s skull, petting. Ronan’s eyes slid closed, lips parting a little. He felt his cheeks go warm and heat traveled down his spine at the words, at the careful, affectionate touch. 

Gansey did that a few times, before brushing his thumb over Ronan’s cheek, and pulled his hand away, turning to his work. Ronan knelt obediently at his side, resting his head on Gansey's thigh when permitted to do so, receiving intermittent, absent-minded pets as Gansey worked. 

It wasn’t easy for Ronan to stay still for long. He didn’t like being idle, preferring to be moving, doing things, but he forced himself to stay where he was, because that was what he had been told to do. 

An obedient dog at the foot of his master.

By the time Gansey was done with his work, Ronan was a little stiff. He lifted his head, hands in his lap, watching Gansey put his books away, clearing off his desk. 

“You did so well,” Gansey praised and Ronan sat up straighter, blinking slowly. “Good job. What a good boy.”

Ronan licked his lips, lifting hopeful eyes up as Gansey turned his chair toward him. He was slumped in his chair, one elbow on an arm rest, his cheek leaned against his knuckles. 

“I did say you’d get a reward if you were good,” he mused and Ronan held himself as still as possible, body poised, waiting. His heart raced, heat pooled in his belly. His eyes flicked to the front of Gansey’s basketball shorts, which left very little to the imagination, and then back up to Gansey’s face. 

Gansey smiled knowingly at him. 

“Alright,” Gansey said. “You can use your mouth.”

Ronan shifted to move forward but Gansey held up a hand and Ronan froze. “Ah. Wait. Sit.”

Ronan sat back on his heels, practically vibrating. He watched as Gansey lifted his hips, tugging down his shorts. Ronan had seen Gansey’s dick before, had had it in his mouth, and his hand, and his response to seeing it was Pavlovian. He swallowed. 

“Come here, Ronan.” 

Ronan went, sitting between Gansey’s legs, eyes shifting from his cock to his face and back again. He licked his lips, resting his hands on Gansey’s thighs, and leaned in to lick at the head of Gansey’s cock. 

Gansey had a hand at the back of Ronan’s neck and Ronan could hear his quickened breaths. He closed his eyes, sucking on the head of Gansey’s cock, whining softly, tongue dipping into the slit, tasting him. 

Ronan moaned, taking Gansey down as far as he could, sucking him off with eagerness. 

“Oh,” Gansey murmured. “That’s good. You’re so good at this, Ronan.” 

This made Ronan redouble his efforts. Using his tongue, a light scrape of teeth, bobbing his head. 

“Touch yourself,” Gansey commanded and Ronan did, hastily shoving a hand into his underwear, pushing the elastic down just enough to get a hand around his own cock, jerking off in time with blowing Gansey. 

He could tell Gansey was close, the way he made progressively louder noises, how he had a hand on Ronan’s neck, the other gripping Ronan’s shoulder. Gansey very rarely swore but Ronan heard him say a few choice words, which only spurred Ronan on. 

Ronan allowed himself to relax, let Gansey fuck his mouth. He opened his eyes, feeling them tear, looking up at Gansey, watching him come. He was always handsome, but there was something more about the way he leaned back, mouth open, gasping. 

Ronan swallowed, giving himself a few more firm strokes before he came, Gansey’s cock still in his mouth. He was breathing harshly through his nose and Gansey sat up, stroking both his hands over Ronan’s head. 

“What a good boy you are,” he sighed, pressing a kiss to the top of Ronan’s skull after Ronan let him slide from his mouth. He was still breathing hard and Gansey pulled him closer, holding him. Ronan leaned into him, closing his eyes. 

“Such a good boy, Ronan.”

Ronan whined softly and Gansey hummed, kissing his forehead. 

“C’mon. Let’s get cleaned up.” 

Ronan obeyed.

FIN 

[smokeandjollyranchers]

Let’s do our best to kill our own funk by projecting hard on a funkless character shall we?

It’s the unfamiliarity, Gansey thinks, that makes it so hard to look away.

Perhaps he’s heard the word “no” less than most people. Perhaps he’s just fought against being told no longer and vehemently, ever since he nearly said yes, breathing his last as a child, the sound of buzzing still echoing in his chest. I don’t quite think I enjoy being denied. He hums, mind slow but still unable to lose consciousness. Which brings him to the same place it always takes him, the soft beat of his heart, the only noise in the open warehouse he’s made his home.

Then again, for someone who doesn’t like being told no, the voice that he often seeks first, in the haze, in the silence, in the sorrow, is the first one to tell him no. Gansey can’t close his eyes, not right now, because if he does he’s going to be met with the small pieces he’s collected, the pull of smile on a split lip; the silent shake of laughter on shoulders already carrying the world, the absolute rage staining eyes that shift from blue to green to brown to gold to blue—disgusted at the idea of Gansey’s help.

On anyone else, his dulled, slow mind offers. You would hate that face

Fuck, he would rather be asleep right now. He moves his head, eyes falling on the miniature city he lords over, a giant against the Henrietta skyline both in and outside of Monmouth. He tries so hard to settle into a place that will never be big enough, but he tries. He needs to make the trailer park next, but his traitorous hands clench into fists at the idea. He doesn’t want to make the one corner of this beautiful little city that makes him ill, he doesn’t want to create a little trailer, knowing his perfectionist mind will insist on adding that crack in the siding that he couldn’t help but notice was exactly at Adam’s head height, didn’t want to create the small graveyard of cars that Adam would hide himself under when he knew Gansey would be coming. He doesn’t want to make the tiny door that always houses that empty eyed woman in it, the one that makes his jaw clench and temper flare.

Adam’s mother watches him like a hawk every time he comes over, like she wants to say something. Like she wants to say nothing. Like she’s the sentry who’s only orders are to keep Adam close enough that he stays miserable. To keep him from reaching enough water, enough sun, to keep his roots half dead and desperate on what little sustience they can find. If Gansey searches back through his entire day, his entire life, his mothers eyes were always alight, excited, loving.

How could you feel nothing toward what you’ve created? Gansey arguably has only created stories, things he dreams and hopes and wants to be real, and these dreams, these ideas, he loves them. He loves mystery and hope. He loves the faith and the trust and he loves the people who return his own faith, hope and love to him. How could she not—

I hate your parents, Gansey imagines saying, to Adam. No preamble, no tip toes, none of that editing that Gansey carefully does before he speaks to Adam. Nothing but the truth from one Richard C. Gansey III.

And the moment makes him feel so light, right up until he has to imagine Adam’s eyes the millisecond after he finishes speaking. He and Adam don’t tell each other the truth. Not like this. Not when Adam hasn’t admitted it’s a truth. He hates ultimatums, he hates having to chose, he hates perimeters and confusing boundaries and the way people who are trapped in darkness seem to dig their feet in and refuse to save themselves.

On anyone else… the voice in his head is more awake now, more angry. You would hate that face.

Gansey wonders if it means something that he doesn’t hate that face when Adam is wearing it. A deep, deep thought in his mind, in his chest, hits his bloodstream like epinephrine, toes and fingers going numb like he’s had to use the pen he carries around with him. Like he narrowly skirted death. Again.

Problem is, you’ll let that face keep hating you.

It’s a mean, bitter voice, and Gansey isn’t quite sure if it’s his or not. He doesn’t often dwell in mean, bitter thoughts. They aren’t helpful, they aren’t productive, they aren’t befitting of a Gansey.

Besides, that face doesn’t hate him, at least he really doesn’t think so. Adam does not have the patience to put himself through any sort of encounter that he doesn’t want to be in. He won’t entertain anything beneath him, so long as Adam makes the ruling something is beneath him. Adam won’t put up with the constant prattle of their classmates, or even some teachers. Adam will go home to the same trailer every day, and maybe die at his father’s hands.

Why isn’t that beneath you?

Gansey sits up in his bed, sheets falling from him, comforter long kicked off and abandoned. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes, until stars explode in his eyelids, and it makes his chest ache. We can make our own stars, we can make our own world, so little can stop us, and you go home to Death.

“How aren’t you afraid of it?” Gansey mutters into the darkness, like somehow he can reach Adam in his dreams, in the ether, in the other. “What has happened to make you so unafraid of death?”

Gansey knows his classics, Gansey has been moved by Odysseus, he’s been smitten with Achilles, he has run after each mythical king knowing that he means to stand among them someday. But he is terrified of the darkness, the dance with the Reaper, the buzzing sound that stopped his heart. He’s paralyzed by death, for how gleefully he wishes to spit into its face. And Adam? Adam wants to live, he’s made of fire and spite and anger and an unstoppable force. But the light dims and the fire dies when he gets closer to his home. Someone else leaves Gansey’s car to walk up those steps, and it makes him sick even now.

Gansey exhales, and it seems to echo through the open air. He narrows his eyes, and flops back on his bed, trying to ignore the phantom feeling of insect-like feet crawling on his skin. Something is wrong. He decides, firmly.

Something is wrong, and he can’t hear Ronan screaming, there’s no nightmares plaguing the angriest Lynch, there’s no noise from Noah’s room, which is ideal and typical. Noah keeps long, quiet hours when the sun goes down, and it’s no different now. There is nothing wrong. There is nothing wrong in Monmouth.

Gansey closes his eyes, hard, screwing them shut against the implication of this feeling. You can’t even call him. Is he alive? Did they kill him? Will they tell you if they did? Will you go to pick him up and there will just be police cars and that woman’s empty eyes watching him from the porch. Would she fucking cry? Does she know you’re her child?

He’s on his feet. He’s on his feet and grabbing his keys and he has to stop himself. Since when does Gansey stop himself, but he stands, the moonlight from the high up windows pulling his shadow into long, splintered directions. You can’t go. The voice in his head hisses, desperate and low, the hair on the back of his neck standing up as Adam seemingly speaks directly to his heart. If you go and they hear you, you wake them—

Gansey throws his keys against the wall, grateful for any noise to interrupt the way that voice sounded afraid even in his own head. He can’t go on like this, but Adam will insist on it. He will insist on bruises and beatings and missing the school day he cares so much for he puts up with this life. What is the point of getting everything you want at the cost of everything you are? Adam is smart. Smarter than this. Smarter than him, so how did he logic this out in his head? How is accepting the help, accepting his help, somehow worse than being beaten to death?

Why in the fucking world would Adam rather die than just. Live. Survive. Thrive?

Ain’t one of your fucking dolls, Gansey.

Christ, Gansey thought, taking in a shaky breath as he hears the thought. Jesus fucking Christ.

They aren’t his. That’s what’s so fucking frustrating. Ronan isn’t his, Noah isn’t his. Adam isn’t his. Why can’t Adam understand that, when Ronan never didn’t understand it? Gansey is theirs. He belongs to them.

Maybe he doesn’t want you.

Gansey sighs, pressing the hell of his hand to his eyes, heartbeat suddenly intensely noticeable behind his eyelid. If he doesn’t, he offers the voice, coolly. Then he could just say so.

But Adam doesn’t say that. Adam doesn’t…he doesn’t act like he doesn’t want Gansey around. Most of the time. Some of the time. All of the time. It’s only when Gansey pushes, that he takes steps back. But if Gansey doesn’t push, how long before they’re at a small service for a boy with eyes that are never the same shade, standing several hundred feet back so as to not pull ire from the people that killed their son.

God. God.

Gansey is tired. But that night, he’s more afraid to wake up than he is to sleep, a bad feeling settling across his bones, his heart, his eyes, vision swimming and the echoing of a grunt desperately hidden by the person making it.

Stop. He offers his mind, quietly. Uncharacteristically small, even in his own head. Please. Please stop showing this to me. He’s fine. He’s okay.

Sleep doesn’t come, but the sun does, hours later, where Gansey is found curled up in his small city, a giant among men, ruining cardboard with what could be sweat but is unfortunately tears. Gansey listens to Ronan come alive, hears Noah’s voice without hearing his door, and he sighs.

He’s fine, he’s okay. He’s fine, he’s okay.

Please. The voice in his head whispers, mantra long having become a prayer. Please.

Please let that face that hates me be there today.

[lizpaige]

If you’re still taking prompts, I’d love to read 33 and/or 82 for pynch! 🥰

still totally taking prompts, thanks for the ask, anon! ✨ it's a lil rough and not my best, but hope you enjoy it! Send me a prompt! 33. kissing scars/hurts 82. fighting together

Ronan saw the Hondayota parked in front of the house before he saw Adam. He had spent all day fixing the back fence and chasing Opal when she stole some of the tools, nails, and posts. He hadn’t actually expected to see Adam today. He had school and work and no doubt more college applications. 

He searched the house for Adam, but couldn’t find him. Walking room to room he called his name. Eventually Opal ran through the back door, “stop shouting! He’s in the long barn.”

Sure enough, Opal was right. Ronan entered the long barn to the sound of a chain squealing and hard impact. He found Adam beating the shit out of an old dreamt leather punching bag. 

“Parrish.”

Adam didn’t hear him or decided to ignore him. Another blow hit the bag; it swung back from the impact and forward again into Adam’s waiting fist. Ronan stepped up behind the bag, holding it steady. Adam’s eyes, bloodshot and red, stared at Ronan. Sweat beaded at his temple, jaw clenched tight, anger aflame in his gaze. Ronan raised an eyebrow, challenging him to continue. While he never really saw Adam get angry like this, he knew what this kind of anger meant.

Gansey would want to talk it out or take a walk, clear his head. Blue would shout and speak her mind. Ronan looked for something to burn. Adam normally stormed off when he was mad at one of them, but whatever happened today, it seemed like he just needed to hit something. And Ronan was happy to hold the bag for him. 

“Don’t pull your punches,” Ronan said when he felt the force of the blows retreat. “C’mon, Parrish.” 

He nearly staggered back at the next strike, but held steady. There was a rhythm to his hits, methodical like everything Adam did. There was a reason, a purpose, a thought for every beat against the bag. Ronan studied his face, the veins in his forehead, the flush of his cheeks, his dry lips as he exhaled shallow breaths. 

Eventually, Adam’s arms fell to his side and he fell back a step, taking deep, heaving breaths. Ronan let go of the bag, coming around with a hand outstretched, taking Adam’s unwrapped and bruised knuckles and turning them gently to assess the damage.

“Feel better?” he asked, glancing up at Adam’s face. His eyes were glazed, wet with unshed tears of frustration, embarrassment. 

“Not really,” Adam mumbled back, wincing as Ronan grazed a raw patch of skin. He let Ronan guide him over to a chair against the wall, watched Ronan dig through a pile of dreamt objects to pull out a very ordinary looking first aid kit, and open it up.

“You going to tell me what happened?” 

“Just needed-” Adam’s voice trailed off, staring straight ahead, gaze unfocused. Then the tears fell. Adam pulled his hand away from Ronan to furiously wipe them away. 

“Adam.”

“Just leave me alone,” Adam whispered furiously, looking down at his lap, hiding his face. “I can clean up myself.”

Ronan knelt down in front of him and reached out to take Adam’s left hand, pressing a kiss to the bruises blooming at his knuckles, the dry calluses on his palms and fingertips. He pulled back, meeting Adam’s gaze, watery and exhausted, defeated and ashamed. 

“Let me help.” 

Adam let out a breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding and said, “okay.” 

[astromechs]

gansey i love your mind so i'm gonna just add your tags to my post, because they absolutely both do have a propensity for the kind of absolutist choice that they will destroy themselves to see through. cassian looks at the guy who's trying to kill him and says "kill me or take me in," and then spends the next several years letting the rebellion slowly kill him, piece by piece, whittling him down into barely more than a weapon to be used until he ultimately dies (i'm so normal about what i'm going to see in andor season 2); you can look at either version of wanda and see this, whether it's the comic version who willingly locks an eldritch horror in her own soul to protect everyone else and sets herself up to die and go through the resurrection protocol to improve it for the mutants she's harmed, or it's the mcu version of wanda, who, among many examples, gestures at the entire movie of multiverse of madness lmao (which i would argue is in-character for wanda, the arc was just rushed).

anyway i'm rambling about nonsense again and if i end up writing a fic or something i only have myself to blame

do you ever put so much thought into two characters completely independently that you start to consider what it would be like to put them together

[tarvastries]

absolutely OBSESSED with media where fate is an ever-present hand on your shoulder and breath in your ear. my specialty is going bonkers over how everyone tells patroclus and achilles what will happen if they go to troy but they go anyway in tsoa, losing my mind over howl trying his best to avoid the witch’s curse in hmc but inadvertently following the curse to the letter, eating drywall about all the prophecies and foretellings about gansey and blue and noah and adam and ronan, curled in a corner thinking about aelin’s arc throughout the tog series that culminated in such a simple but devastating phrase (“no one”), screaming crying throwing up about heroes and villains and ordinary people who were told how the story ends and only find out when it’s too late that by trying to sidestep fate they actually walked right into its long-waiting, eternal arms just like it had planned from the very start. i want stories where there is no twisting fate or avoiding what was spoken over you long before you were born, stories that are truly tragic because to get through every day we cling to the hope that we can defy expectations, so when we read or watch or listen to a story where the tapestry of the future is too tightly woven and the characters are suffocating, stuck in the threads, we weep out of fear that one day we will suffer the same, or maybe gratitude that it hasn’t happened yet

[andrea-lyn]

The Recs (Less Travelled)

I’m excited to bring you the first installment of my ‘roads less travelled’ recs! I will be doing another round of this, probably once the Ted Lasso fic tag hits about 25 pages, and then I’ll also grab a couple more fandoms to collect in there! 

The Rules:

Each fandom/pairing was sorted on Archive of Our Own by completed works. Anything recced here was not in the first ten pages when sorted by kudos at the time of reccing. There may be some more well-known authors on this list, but the specific fics I’ve picked are ones that didn’t crack that top ten or just didn’t get much traction and I think deserve it, so hopefully I have also balanced it out with other under the radar (and still great!) works. As ever, I have a pinned post of my other recs (none have been duplicated from there), so you can also check those out! Under the cut you’ll find 10 recs in each fandom for:

Raven Cycle

Roswell New Mexico

The Old Guard

Inception

Star Trek (mainly Kirk/McCoy)

The Raven Cycle

savor all the little pieces by littlelionvanz

“Since when do you garden?”

Ronan snorted, “Since I grew up on a fucking farm, genius. Jesus who gave you permission to pursue higher education.”

the old grip of the familiar by littleseal

"There is a single black feather and a printed out picture of Gansey, Blue and Cheng standing in front of some fucking monument Ronan didn’t care enough to remember the name of. Gansey sent it to Ronan’s phone some time ago, but it sat in his messages until Adam picked it up and grinned at it so hard that, one afternoon later, Ronan cursed and kicked and glared his old printer back to life in order to print it out.

Fuck, he thinks, I’m in love with a hoarder."

Adam collects things. Ronan is in love with him.

No Sweeter Innocence Than Our Gentle Sin by gansey_is_our_king

Ronan Lynch has wanted to kiss Adam Parrish for a long time.

(alternately titled: four times that Ronan could have kissed Adam)

Cheers to Another Seven Years! by skyermirth

Adam left Henrietta for Harvard and never returned. Now, seven years has passed, and an unexpected work assignment has brought him back to a place and people he hardly recognizes.

Row, row, row your boat by emmerrr

“What. Why are you smiling at me,” he says suspiciously.

Adam shrugs. “You’re cute.”

“I’m not cute, I’m terrifying.”

“Terrifyingly cute,” Adam says.

and now the world is ours to take / and every single move is ours to make by thatlittleblackcat

"Adam was the scientist, Ronan was the data, and Orphan Girl was the key that explained the strange outliers that Ronan presented, his previously unexplainable actions."

//

Adam sorts out his feelings, Ronan helps him, Gansey is the number one dad friend, Blue is the number one mom friend and Henry tries to make Ronan smile. Otherwise known as the story of how Orphan Girl became Opal.

All These Things You Make Me Feel by SilverOpals394

It was late. Adam could feel the long day catching up to him as he left Boyd’s, all his energy exhausted. When he started his car, the tape deck whirred to life once more. He sighed and raised his hand to turn it off, but before he did a soft melody began to play.

AU in which the mixtape Ronan made for Adam only plays the murder squash song until Adam realizes he's in love with Ronan, too.

Ways to Communicate by Jalules

Blue Sargent reflects on an early memory (and gets busy with her boyfriends.)

(The two things are related, trust me.)

Hold Me Closer, I'm Safe in Your Arms by actuallyronanlynch

“You wanna tell me why I had to hear from Henry Cheng that my boyfriend was at the hospital?” Adam hissed, though his voice wasn’t as acidic as it could’ve been. Ronan took small victories where he could.

“You don’t have a cellphone,” Ronan pointed out flatly. “It’s not like I could’ve gotten a hold of you.”

arts and crafts and the inevitability of death by sunshineinthestorm

Adam comes to the public library in search of a study spot, not a boyfriend. 

But it must be his lucky day—because he ends up with a bit of both.

 Roswell New Mexico

a conversation between insignificant others by Bellakitse

“Hey…have you noticed that our boyfriends are madly in love with each other?"

“You noticed that too, huh,” she answers dryly, letting out a huff of reluctant amusement.

***

Forrest and Maria share a drink and a conversation and start a friendship.

Own Personal Hell by BeStillMySlashyHeart

Now that Isobel's getting the hang of her telekinesis, Michael decides to test out his telepathic abilities. It backfires. Badly. Now Michael's trapped inside his own mind and only one person can break him out.

Drop the Hammer by brightloveee

Max makes a new friend at the shooting range, who turns out to be even more bad-ass than he expected.

(Takes place mid-S1)

Boys Like You by forgadgetsandgizmos

Curly, dirty blond hair (the mere description ‘curly’ felt like an injustice) twisted in every direction off his head, a sharp contrast with the scruff darkening his strong jawline and scowl-ridden face.

Alex made a mental note to compliment Maria on her excellent taste in men.

—

Or, Alex has coffee with Maria's one-night stand, a man who he definitely does not have a crush on.

let's exchange the experience by lostin_space

Michael decides they need to quarantine.

OR

Michael floods Alex with love and care over and over and over.

This Is Hardcore by Anonymous

Michael makes a proposal. Alex accepts. Michael wonders what the hell he’s gotten himself into.

i don't know what to think (but i think of supernovas) by Milzilla

michael discovers that the console can talk. then, he discovers it can do far more than that.

iridescence on skin by Lire_Casander

In a world where (almost) everyone has a tattoo on their right wrist with one set of coordinates that point to the place where their soulmate is born, Alex thought he wouldn't be any different. He couldn't be more mistaken.

He has two.

The Real Thing by elliebird

Max checks on Michael the morning after Michael saves Max’s ass from Wyatt Long and his dumbass buddies. He sees more than he’s supposed to.

Written for a Tumblr anon who one of their friends walking in on them or anyone of them finding out about Michael and Alex in an interesting way 

Sundering by romancandles 

“You know it was just an Air Force balloon, right?” says Alex.

Michael smirks. “That’s what they want you to think,” he says, with a wink.

The Old Guard

Peer Reviewed by ishandahalf

[From:] Journal of Medieval Studies (jms.eds@jms.com)

[Subject:] Ad-hoc note from the editor

I have noticed an uncommon level of animosity in your responses to your reviewers (or rather, one reviewer in particular). I am writing to ask if you would please do your best to keep your interactions civil. In fairness, I have also sent a similar request to the reviewer you seem to have this friction with. I trust you will both try and remain more professional in the future.

Again, thank you for submitting your work to this journal.

Sincerely,

James Copley, PhD

Editor-in-Chief

Journal of Medieval Studies

An (accidental) academic epistolary romance as (inadvertently) documented via a (theoretically) rigorously blinded peer review process.[citation needed]

third for a word and the song keeps going Macremae

It was honestly shaping up to be a pretty uneventful year before the Vatican got on Nicky’s bad side.

Or: three times in 2008 that the team genuinely thought about killing Nicky if only to get him to shut up about the changes to the Catholic English Mass and his unrelenting opinions on them, and one time Nile did.

Apex Predators In Island Ecosystems (Freeman et al., in press) by Sixthlight

Palaeobotany PhD student Nile Freeman and her supervisor Joe al-Kaysani are invited to billionaire Stephen Merrick’s new project – a theme park full of cloned dinosaurs. What could possibly go wrong?

This Rough Magic by Marivan

When Joe came to Scotland to study the sea, he did not expect to also encounter a beautiful man claiming that A. he’s a selkie and B. they’re married because Joe picked up his scarf.

It sounds like a fairy tale and that’s a problem. Because Joe’s a scientist. And selkies don’t exist.

Wars for the broken by Yuliares

Five years into his exile, Booker is joined by a companion he never expected to meet. Together, they try to work on healing.

Sometimes they go down to the sewers just so she can scream and scream. “I like to hear it echo,” she explains. “Underwater, you can’t hear anything. Here, at least I can be heard.”

“I don’t feel like a warrior anymore,” she tells him, throwing bread crumbs at pigeons. “I feel broken.”

“You’re still a warrior,” he says roughly. “This is still fighting.”

a good (eighth) impression by deanniker

Over the next few months, Joe runs into Nicky every so often at the farmer’s market. Some weekends Nicky doesn’t make it, because of his work schedule - Joe doesn’t understand it because he doesn’t ask, though he does start to recognize when one of those missing weekends is coming up because Nicky will stock up on things with longer shelf-life. When they do run into each other, they make small talk and move through the stalls together.

Joe doesn’t mention it to Lykon when he stops by, because it is kind of weird, that Lykon’s ex-boyfriend texts Joe things like - If you’re here, the apples look particularly good this week and thank you for that recipe, I did not know what I was going to do with that much couscous

Or,

Joe wouldn't usually consider starting anything with his best friend's ex, but as long as they keep it casual, it shouldn't be weird... right?

get back to where you once belonged by tenderjock

Nile takes a sip of her cappuccino and closes her eyes.

(Booker and Nile get that coffee. Life happens, along the way.)

a house; a home by mehm

“Is this a kidnapping?” Joe asks as Nicky checks both their seat belts. “Like, I don’t mind. It’s just not quite what I expected for my birthday.”

In which Joe gets a birthday surprise, because that’s the stuff you have time for when you and the love of your life become mortal at the same time.

the ties that bind by damaskrose

“There’s a story I heard many times,” Andy begins, “in the Mediterranean. Threads of fate and three sisters. One to spin, one to measure, and one to cut.”

Clutter And Croutons by flawedamythyst

Joe and Nicky have an argument, and then Nicky talks to Nile about what it really means to be in a relationship for 900 years.

Inception

My Big Fat Slightly Annoying Wedding by jibrailis

Arthur and Eames elope for ~tax reasons. Certain people in their lives are not happy at the lack of a wedding.

Remember Sydney by pathera

When Eames shambles into the safe house outside of London, he finds a red light blinking on the phone.

For the inception_kink prompt:

Arthur is on a plane which is about to crash. No way anyone is going to survive. Instead of panicking he calmly calls the team's office and gets the answering machine. He hangs up before the plane crashes.

Give me Arthur's last message to the team.

 (TW: Character Death / Angst)

Of Such Deceitfulness and Suavity by delires

In which emotions manifest themselves in unusual ways.

YO, K2tog (it's like a code) by lazulisong

“Oh my God,” moans Arthur. “I’ve paid less for Somnacin. Good Somnacin.” A horrible thought strikes him. “How much is the yarn --”

“I want you to have an unguarded reaction,” Eames tells him, and pulls him up from the floor.

(They run an extraction on a knitter.)

hit the ground running by orphan_account

"I travelled halfway around the world for you. I dealt with the French for you."

Valley by wldnst

It's an old story: a knight, a prince, a kingdom in peril.

If This Is Rain Let It Fall On Me and Drown Me by Brangwen

We used to be so brave, Eames thought. Of the two of them, Arthur had always been the more fearless.

a gentle familiarity by jollypuppet

Two weeks later, Eames is on his doorstep with bad Italian takeout and a grin, and Arthur tells him he can sleep on the couch.

Your Crisis Cannot Be Completed As Dialed by sevenimpossiblethings

Arthur doesn't do snow, Ariadne is determined to be as Midwestern as possible, and blizzards make cell phone service unreliable.

Let’s Say I Do (I Do) by xsilverdreamsx

There were, perhaps some things worse that this, Arthur thinks, as he glares at the letter in his hand with his name printed clearly in bold ink, indicating his presence in two weeks for his esteemed marriage to one William H. Eames, III, at St. Catherine's Church in London, England.

Star Trek (predominantly Kirk/McCoy)

Show the World That Something Good Can Work by knune

Leonard McCoy is a doctor, not a personal assistant, and maybe that's why he can't stand working for Jim Kirk.

It's in the little things by winterover

Bones is bemused by a persistent secret admirer.

"Wedding" Away with It by pendrogon

One morning, Bones wakes up and he's single. By the same afternoon, he's married to Jim Kirk for Arbitrary Fic Reasons(TM).

How Long Will You Stay (For Your Whole Life) by withthepilot

Jim Kirk, deputy director of the Enterprise parks and recreation department, sees all of his hard work fall to pieces when budget specialist Leonard McCoy arrives from the state capital to cut Jim's budget and threaten the livelihoods of his colleagues. But thanks to a major parks project, Leonard finds a place in the department, as well as in Jim's life—and when all is said and done, Jim doesn't want him to leave.

All-Time Favorite by mardia

What to do when your best friend suddenly starts making new friends. 

Joy Ride by Cards_Slash

While running for their lives from an alien species Kirk had accidentally enraged, they come across a car. And well, if you were to come across a car while being chased by aliens that wanted you dead, and you possessed some lingering knowledge of how to drive a car similar to said car, you would have decided to drive it toward the nearest cliff too.

Also a gunfight.

Syncytia by epistolic

He’d signed up for Starfleet on an impulse, but Starfleet meant James Tiberius Kirk: the first – and second, and third, and fourth – big mistake of Leonard McCoy’s life.

Renovation by canistakahari

Jim has a whammy put on him by an alien death ray and he suddenly craves domesticity. He's crazy with longing to shop at space!Ikea and get potted bamboo and he starts looking into adopting AND HE HATES HIMSELF AND CANNOT CONTROL THE SHIT. Luckily, McCoy is drunk all the time and plays house.

17:08 by butterflycell

She'd watched the news holos with a sick feeling, searching for information that was completely obvious in its absence. Amidst the reports of the the Enterprise's miraculous recovery and the damages sustained, there had been next to nothing about the crew or her captain. Jim had been mentioned only in passing, his name shied away from as his first officer limited interaction to the bare essentials.

The Honey of Hybla by shrift

"Bones, prepare to be my date."

[eruditetyro]

HI i love this. as i said earlier i have a couple thoughts in response to your thoughts. i really liked reading this and i think half of my commentary is just pointing and underlining things you’ve said but i think i have a couple new connections for you between your ideas that i hope are neat for you. i’m going to put my thoughts under a cut also for the sake of everyone’s dashboards

I love the Ronan-light connection you’ve drawn here, I think it’s fun in keeping with his character, the TRK quote I won’t be able to find right now about how Ronan dreamt of light, etc. I also think it’s really interesting how you discuss how Adam walks this tightrope of shame-- shame in front of his family about his friends, shame in front of his friends about his family-- To consider this sort of tightrope and how in TD3 we see him attempt to escape this by making up a new past for his new friends in college, a choice Ronan doesn’t understand, and I initially didn’t understand as a reader also. You say “In the context of his family, he is safer on his own (but in the context of the world, he cannot move forward alone, and this is a lesson he must learn).” He chooses to attempt to shed the familial shame in order to move forward in the world at Harvard. lots going on with this element of his character over the course of these books.

“Ronan engages with his concern for Gansey by obsessing over the worst case hypothetical outcomes; Adam (who is typically concerned with planning for all the possible futures) chooses to avoid thinking about such fears at all.” isn’t it neat how they switch like that! I always think it’s fun when characters confronted with the worst hypotheticals process them differently than they normally would.

I like your beginning of thoughts surrounding the Lace. I find a lot of the TD3 metaphors really multifacted, there’s a lot to dig into there. REALLY like the Gansey split vision death thing! I hadn’t made that connection. It’s also kind of a subtle nod to the fact that he’s likely figured out at this point-- I forget if we are given an exact reference to when he figured it out-- that he’s going to die again. he knows it’s coming for him.

Adam’s relationship to his body throughout the series is definitely substance for a whole essay. What you’ve listed in the “Adam’s knees were slowly liquefying” paragraph of your notes can also get tied into his scientific if/then sort of data-driven outlook-- he often takes stock of what is happening to his body or how his body feels in this sort of scientific way, detached. I’m also thinking now of his list of needs paragraph, you know the one, where he whittles it down in the end to the barest possible thing, classic Adam. He seems to me also to be the type of character whose emotions are bodily sensations before he realizes what emotions they are. I think he uses his mind/body split way of looking at himself to try to limit/rein in/dismiss his emotions -- the tightening fingers on the strap of his bag you linked to this sort of buckling down/preparation-- before going into a situation where he anticipates needing to use his mind as nimbly as he can to deescalate while strictly controlling/ignoring his own body/fear/anger/etc. His relationship with his anger could definitely be a whole paragraph in an essay regarding his relationship with his body: how he fears his anger, how he has lost control of his body through his anger, his shame regarding it, his ability near the end of the series to regard it rising in him and to act calmly anyway, once his relationship with his body is changed post-BLLB reintegration. I think you’re right that the scrying in BLLB is pivotal in this relationship-- I think it’s also interesting that the unmaker takes this from him again in TRK, how he has to prove again that his body is his. Kind of mirrors Ronan’s recurring need to assert the “it’s just you, why do you hate you?/I don’t” moment in TDT. These sorts of battles don’t leave you alone just because you’ve won them once.

There are a couple of pieces of your notes here in the middle where all I want to do is underline and put exclamation points next to what you wrote, or draw arrows between two parts. here’s some of the things that made me feel that:

- “The italics in external dialogue and internal monologue collectively simulate abuse survivors’ internalization of abusive rhetoric against themselves.”

- “hands as tools used as weapons” ->  “his words don’t work as weapons.”

- “The precise nature of Adam’s fall here is brutal- the hit doesn’t make him fall, but it knocks him off balance and the subsequent misstep makes him fall, which his father makes no effort to prevent- the abuse not only aggression but neglect, which is to say control in both positive and negative (not good and bad, but additive and subtractive/maliciously neutral) ways.” (aggression and neglect -> active and passive abuse?)

-  “dust as a symbol for a dearth of love given that water repeatedly stands in for love and longing” (THIS IS A SURPRISE TOOL THAT WILL HELP US LATER!)

the Sisyphean nature of breathing! I think you’re right and also this moment I think ties in with Adam’s relationship to time, the allotting of it between tasks, how there is never enough energy to go around, how he is reduced by strain to the barest things and builds himself up from there, time after time, throughout the series.

the brake lights as hope Adam is to ashamed to accept. the resignation to continued abuse/safety in pain/in using the survival tactics he knows and bearing the burdens they have (as you list later, exhaustion, mistrust, hypervigilance, repression, isolation) vs. the shame of reaching out, receiving care/protection due to the fear of being seen as lesser/weak/needy/exploitable/pathetic/unequal. jesus christ, Adam. I have to reread the courtroom scene now to feel better about this.

in the “Grabbing Adam’s collar, he pulled his son up” paragraph, you talk about the differences in how Gansey and Adam talk about something breaking in Adam-- Gansey’s fear Adam will lose something innate and good vs. Adam’s fear that he will unleash something that makes him violent like his father. Again, I think Adam’s perspective on his potential for anger and violence has to do with his relationship to his body and emotions in general too. I wonder if Adam sees himself at all as having something innately good inside him, if he mostly sees his goodness as something he built, despite.

The idea that Adam’s sacrifice in this chapter is the main one he makes in the book, that his sacrifice to Cabeswater is secondary/the magical mirror of/the completion of the sacrifice he makes here, is very interesting. One of the things I also like about these books is how the magical elements are often additive to the nonmagical elements and serve to give another dimension to rather than obfuscate the nonmagical challenges the characters undergo. With the Ronan/Cabeswater connection that we are given much later, it almost seems like this is one continual process of sacrifice to me. Ronan would have gone to jail with his head held high for hitting Robert if Adam had not intervened with the police. Cabeswater would have awakened to Whelk or Neeve instead, and what would that have been like? I need to go back and reread that chapter. My half-formed point here is in the mutuality, I think. Ronan saw a need that pushed him to intervene and Adam was pushed to make his sacrifice here by Ronan putting himself in that predicament. Adam, here, would have continued bearing the abuse of his father if Ronan hadn’t gotten involved. There’s no conversation really between the two of them as far as I remember about this night once it is over: Adam doesn’t seem to resent Ronan for intervening. I kind of think the fact that Ronan hit back, something Adam could not do, and displaced the rest of Robert’s outburst onto himself on behalf of Adam--  “What Adam needed was to be able to stand, to walk, to think, and then he could stop Ronan before something awful happened.” As you say, something awful has already happened. But only to Adam’s body. I think this ties into Adam’s relationship with his body again. When Ronan became the one in danger rather than Adam’s body Adam’s perception of the danger changed. That’s the thought. When Adam sacrifices himself to Cabeswater it’s for Gansey-- well, Gansey is the one in immediate danger when he makes the sacrifice. I’m not sure why scientific Adam trusted the forest to save Gansey, but it sure did. Need to read TRB again lol. Anyway I think the flashback to Gansey in Adam’s decision making process here calls to the Gansey distress in the forest sacrifice.

the loss! of potential! with Blue! as the catalyst for their breakup! TRAGIC!!! apocryphal!!!!

with the “Adam couldn’t move in with Gansey” paragraph-  Gansey put on the same level as Robert as sort of a patriarch/going from living under Robert’s roof to living under Gansey’s being unacceptable as direct comparison (two of swords two paths two Fathers? Gansey is a brother more than a father but. you get it. it’s as a father figure that Gansey is utterly unacceptable), it will have to be Adam’s roof, Adam’s nothing (third way, magician).

re: your second to last paragraph-- this is the thing I thought of that made me want to write some notes on your notes. you’re right that we never see inside the Parrish house-- Adam answers the phone while in bed one time when Ronan is missing, but we don’t have his POV there, you’re right about how Adam never lets us in. (A place made for leaving.) except! for his flashback in TRK right before Ronan kisses him. I think this is the only moment in the series where Adam in his POV thinks about something that happened inside the Parrish house on page, prior to the epilogue when he drives there himself. It’s not a pleasant memory. It’s interesting to me that this peek inside, this memory, happens in the environment it happens in and in the context it happens in. I think that POV chapter in TRK may be the most vulnerable/intimate we ever see Adam through his own introspective view. In Ronan’s home, in his bedroom, playing with that toy car, “This old thing,” Ronan says, takes it from him, kisses him. The metaphor he thinks of of the rainstorm coming towards him, the water pouring down on the dusty field! that’s really my main thought in all of this-- the way the dust/water metaphor connects from this chapter to that one, how the two moments play off each other, and how the symbolism surrounding them plays off itself too.

I like where you started going with the unheimlich/heimlich thing as well-- the idea of uncanniness with these two. looking forward to reading when it’s fully percolated!

i've revised my trb chapter 36 notes and they've somehow expanded to ~15 pages. you can read them here (i've also pasted the text into this post under the cut). the notes don't constitute an essay or produce a coherent thesis but they're a pretty comprehensive list of observations and interpretations i drew from the chapter.

TRB chapter 36 notes (content warning for abuse)

Last updated: 230610

“’The buck stops here,’ Ronan said, pulling up the hand brake. ‘Home shit home.’” This is the first chapter where Adam and Ronan are the only main characters present- their first scene entirely alone, set in the BMW before Adam gets out. I’m thinking about a few things: how differently Ronan and Gansey talk about Adam’s trailer, his parents, his poverty, etc.; how Ronan’s flippant insults and nonchalant offers of help (despite genuine concern) are less alienating to Adam than Gansey’s more openly heartfelt concern, since it’s paired with criticism of Adam’s pride and a tendency to command rather than suggest (full disclosure- I love Gansey and understand his point of view, but it’s clear why his approach upsets Adam more, and I think Ronan, having felt smothered by Declan, is more capable of empathizing with Adam on the matter of refusing help moving out); the recurring theme of cars being a place of refuge and solace for Ronan and how he wishes Adam would stay inside the BMW (even though he knows he won’t). I didn’t verify what I’m about to say so if I remembered incorrectly please let me know, but I’m pretty sure that we see Ronan drive Adam in the BMW to the trailer park twice (in this chapter, and in TRK when Adam scries while Ronan drives [the “wrong devil” scene]). Nobody else drives Adam home (although Gansey repeatedly stops by to pick him up). Gansey is constantly bringing Adam away from the trailer, for good reason (and practical reason too- sometimes they’re just going to class). Ronan brings him back, setting Adam up to confront his life and make decisions to change it. I know someone else has written a tumblr post about Ronan putting Adam in these types of situations and it’s very insightful and I’d love to cite it here (so if you wrote it or know who did, please tell me!). But ultimately this sets up an arc that ends with Adam driving the BMW alone for a final conversation with his parents, in which he can come and go from the trailer independently and in control of his interactions with his parents- the effects of the abuse are not erased, but his character arc has such a trajectory that he’s able to get some closure on his own terms via his hard-won autonomy and healing (the BMW/Ronan has played a key role in establishing both).

“In the dark, the Parrish family’s double-wide was a dreary gray box, two windows illuminated.” The description of the double-wide has gone from pale blue in daytime to an absence of color- things are even more grim. No love, no liveliness. A strong contrast to the home from which they’ve just driven (300 Fox Way, which has a bright blue exterior). The illuminated windows seem like omens or warnings rather than beacons. “Box” implies simplicity, a lack of architecture, a constraining place, a place in which one might be trapped. I’m thinking about how the flat ceiling of a box-like trailer also contrasts with the multi-sloped attic of 300 Fox Way, perhaps symbolizing Blue’s family’s proclamation of Blue’s potential versus Adam’s family’s stifling of his talents, needs, wants, etc.

“It was a comfortable enough arrangement; Adam and Ronan weren’t in a fight at the moment, and both of them were too startled by the day’s events to start a new one.” Not that they don’t get genuinely upset with each other on page (things get heated in BLLB as the development of their relationship becomes more prominent/less subtextual), but I feel like we get told that Adam and Ronan don’t get along but they…usually…do, from our vantage point. When they do have conflict in the first book, it doesn’t seem as heavy/personally directed as when Adam and Gansey fight. I get the sense that a lot of their bickering is routine and low stakes, especially since the passage tells us that the day’s chaos and threat to Gansey’s safety has jostled them out of their typical (mundane?) arguing.

“Adam reached in the back for his messenger bag, the one gift he’d ever permitted Gansey to give him, and only because he didn’t need it.” I remember this sentence being critical to my understanding of Adam’s character the first time I read this series. Adam accepts the one gift he doesn’t need because he could get rid of it and suffer no dire consequences if the friendship ended. He wouldn’t have to rearrange his carefully made plans over a messenger bag if he wanted or needed to give it up at all. There’s no desperate gratitude or a gnawing need to pay back a debt- it’s superficial, not connected to his precarious survival, no implied reliance. There’s also something in here about a bag being used to carry things (burdens?) that I’m trying to tease out into words but haven’t yet. whoreshoecrab also made the brilliant observation that a messenger bag is more of an academic, white collar (and relatively impractical) choice of bag which I think plays into Adam’s willingness to accept something since it doesn’t highlight his desperate need for the bare necessities.

“Another silhouette, distinctly Adam’s father, had joined the first at the window. Adam’s stomach curdled.” We don’t get much information about the relationship between Mr. and Mrs. Parrish (although Adam’s later concern about leaving his father’s gun behind implies that Robert also abuses his wife), but here there’s an implication of a united front against Adam. His stomach going sour is a visceral description of his fear- how terrible to go home to danger rather than safety. This sentence reminds me of one from TDT in one of the Gray Man’s chapters: “The Gray Man’s stomach wrung itself out… His brother had never intended for him to pick up; he merely wanted this: the Gray Man stopping the car, wondering if he was supposed to return the call. Wondering if his brother was going to call back. Untangling the wired threads in his gut.” (TDT, chapter 7), both serving as descriptions of a particularly physiological, visceral fear stemming from abuse.

“He tightened his fingers around the strap of his bag, but he didn’t get out.” Tightening -> builds tension in the narration as Adam braces himself for a confrontation. I mentioned this already, but cars often serve as places of refuge in the series. Ronan goes to wait in the Camaro after his brawl with Declan in TRB chapter 7 and after Calla goes for his neck in TRB chapter 15; Adam lingers in the BMW to delay having to go home in this chapter. Adam joins Ronan in the BMW in TRK in silent solidarity as Ronan grieves.

“’Man, you don’t have to get out here,’ Ronan said. Adam didn’t comment on that; it wasn’t helpful. Instead he asked, ‘Don’t you have homework to do?’ But Ronan, as the inventor of sly remarks, was impervious to them. His smile was ruthless in the glow from the dash. ‘Yes, Parrish. I believe I do.”’ A suggestion, not an order (i.e.. You don’t have to get out here vs. don’t get out here). Adam’s arguments with Gansey are often about how Gansey views/treats Adam; Adam’s arguments with Ronan are often about how Ronan wastes the time he has, the time he could be using for school work, the time Adam wishes he had. He’s genuinely frustrated that Ronan wastes such a precious resource, but the frustration is with a behavior that doesn’t have anything to do with himself (if he doesn’t compare himself to Ronan, which is another can of worms). Adam ignores Ronan’s comment- would he have ignored such a statement from Gansey, or started to argue? Would Gansey have ever phrased it like that? We get more insight into how they interact/communicate; Adam avoids arguing over serious circumstances but is comfortable resorting to banter since he knows there’s no risk of actual offense. There’s also a microscopic bit of dramatic irony here if you’re re-reading since the outcome of the events in this chapter directly lead to Ronan doing his homework in earnest.

“He didn’t like the agitation of his father’s silhouette. But, it was unwise to loiter in the car — especially this car, an undeniably Aglionby car — flaunting his friendships.” This chapter obviously shows Adam’s father’s physically abusive nature but also demonstrates how absolute his effect on Adam is, whether or not he’s actively enacting the abuse. Adam is constantly tuned to his father’s posture and follows a set of rules designed to minimize conflict and harm to himself. For someone running so low on time and sleep, this perpetual monitoring must add an additional layer of exhaustion. There’s no place to hide- to stay safe in the BMW is to potentially worsen his father’s mood, and to go home is to put himself in the path of danger anyway. Re: it being unwise to flaunt friendships: this was also crucial to me understanding Adam and his independence/lonesomeness; because the Parrishes are poor and Adam’s friends are wealthy, and mentioning his friends (which is criticized as flaunting) threatens his father’s insecurity about their poverty, Adam is conditioned to see connection and community as shameful, as a betrayal to his roots (which he is also taught to see as shameful- there is no winning). In the context of his family, he is safer on his own (but in the context of the world, he cannot move forward alone, and this is a lesson he must learn).

“If he shows up for class,” Adam replied, “I think that the reading will be the least of his concerns.” Subtle threat/hint at Adam having zero remorse for Whelk in future chapters

“There was quiet, and then Ronan said, ‘I better go feed the bird.’ But he looked down at the gearshift instead, eyes unfocused. He said, ‘I keep thinking about what would’ve happened if Whelk had shot Gansey today.’ Adam hadn’t let himself dwell on that possibility. Every time his thoughts came close to touching on the near miss, it opened up something dark and sharp edged inside him.” Like Ronan calling Adam “man” and “Parrish,” referring to Chainsaw as “the bird” serves as an example of Ronan keeping his emotional distance, maybe as a way of giving Adam space in a tense situation, maybe to disguise Ronan’s intense emotions. Ronan engages with his concern for Gansey by obsessing over the worst case hypothetical outcomes; Adam (who is typically concerned with planning for all the possible futures) chooses to avoid thinking about such fears at all. As explained in the remainder of the passage (next section), Adam cannot fathom a life without Gansey. This is a clear reminder that Whelk is Adam’s foil, not someone on a parallel path- for Adam, harming Gansey/Gansey’s mortality is too heavy to even think about, much less plot out. Something dark and sharp edged- a hole, a grave? In BLLB when Adam figures out that Gansey is on the St. Mark’s Eve death list, the narration says, “his heart was a grave” (ough). A place to bury impending grief? Or, if you’ve read TD3, this sounds a lot like the Lace, which is to say it sounds a lot like fear and insecurity and terror and being seen and the infinite and abandonment and grief and a lot of other things I haven’t processed yet.

 “It was hard to remember what life at Aglionby had been like before Gansey. The distant memories seemed difficult, lonely, more populated with late nights where Adam sat on the steps of the double-wide, blinking tears out of his eyes and wondering why he bothered. He’d been younger then, only a little more than a year ago.” Not only is Adam currently repressing the thought of a life without Gansey, he recurringly prevents himself from crying. Adam alone at Aglionby, struggling to adapt and feeling like a fraud, with no one to believe in him but himself, is incomprehensibly sad. “Lonely” followed by “populated with” makes it seem like the late nights themselves were Adam’s only company.

“His hand worked on the steering wheel; something was frustrating him, but with Ronan, there was no telling if it was still Whelk or something else entirely. “No problem, man. See you tomorrow.” This assessment of Ronan (aside from an incidence of Ronan in motion/his kinetic way of processing emotion), in my opinion, serves to illustrate Adam’s self-perception and paradoxically egocentric and unselfish thought process (he’s self-centered in the sense that he has to prioritize his own needs to survive and is constantly worried about how he acts and feels and interacts with others and looks and on and on but is unselfish in the sense that he doesn’t consider the possibility that Ronan might be frustrated and worried about Adam himself). Ronan is reeling from grieving Noah, worrying about Gansey almost getting killed (which was a pre-existing fear, as we know from chapter 16 and the wasp encounter). And while we’re on the topic of chapter 16 and the aftermath of chapter 33, I hadn’t realized until now that Gansey’s “dual vision” when death is imminent (“Two narratives coexisted in his head. One was the real image: the wasp climbing up the wood, oblivious to his presence. The other was a false image, a possibility: the wasp whirring into the air, finding Gansey’s skin, dipping the stinger into him, Gansey’s allergy making it a deadly weapon.” And “Gansey had that same, detached feeling that he’d had in Monmouth Manufacturing, looking at the wasp. At once he saw the reality: a gun pressed against the skin above his eyebrows, so cold as to feel sharp — and also the possibility: Whelk’s finger pulling back, a bullet burrowing into his skull, death instead of finding a way to get back to Henrietta.”) is perhaps an effect of him living two lives at once, at both dying and surviving twice (but sort of at the same point at the time loop because both deaths and rebirths are temporally linked to Noah’s favor, powered by Cabeswater and the ley line). ????????????????

“With a sigh, Adam climbed out. He knocked on the top of the BMW, and Ronan pulled slowly away. Above him, the stars were brutal and clear.” Who else notably sighs? Noah, another target of physical violence. Ronan is slow, reluctant to leave. Over the next few pages (as Robert berates Adam and accuses him of lying) Ronan continues to slowly leave the driveway because Adam can still see his break lights (antithetical to a stereotypical Ronan response- speeding off recklessly). The brutal and clear stars- perhaps an acceptance of the inevitable cruelty he is walking into? Adam feels destined or cursed to suffer, maybe as if fate, is cold and uncaring. (but does he believe in fate? Evidence in TDT chapter 8 says yes, if not literal fate but a general doomed-by-your-origin/bloodline sentiment, although he also persistently rewrites his narrative and seeks autonomy in his own life, so I don’t think there’s a clear answer. If anything, if he does believe in fate, he sees it as mutable and probably something not named fate at all). I think it’s also notable that the stars are a source of calming comfort to Blue, rather than harsh and distant observers of her struggles. “The stars were brutal and clear” always reminds me of Javert’s Suicide from Les Miserables: I am reaching but I fall/ And the stars are black and cold/ As I stare into the void/ Of a world that cannot hold.

“Hi, Dad,” Adam said. “Don’t ‘hi, dad’ me,” his father replied. He was already revved up. He smelled like cigarettes, although he didn’t smoke. “Come home at midnight. Trying to hide from your lies?” Adam graciously attempts civility; Robert eschews all pretense of acting like any sort of father at all. He’s already agitated, by Adam breaking curfew (which he’s broken for good reason, though Robert doesn’t and can’t know this) or by anything else in the world- his anger is out of Adam’s control. We’ve recently learned Adam does not like to be accused of lying from his encounter with Declan (TRB, 31). The cigarette smell on an adult non-smoker is probably indicative of the company they keep- co-workers? Friends, if he has them? An affair if Adam’s mom doesn’t smoke? The midnight curfew is surely a measure of control rather than care, and is relevant to interpretation of Adam’s constant meticulously meted out aliquots of time (for school, for work, for friends, for sleep) and deep envy for/resentment of those that have time and waste it- not even his own time exists outside the shadow of his father’s fist. 

“Adam’s knees were slowly liquefying. He did his best to keep most of his Aglionby life hidden from his father, and he could think of several things about himself and his life that wouldn’t please Robert Parrish. The fact that he didn’t know precisely what had been found was agonizing. He couldn’t meet his father’s eyes.” Emphasizes Adam’s need to always be hiding, keeping secrets, protecting the truth. Ronan is also familiar with the burden of keeping secrets in the name of safety. More description of the physical impact of abuse on Adam (in addition to the actual physical abuse- here I’m referencing the physical manifestations of fear and dread). I’m really interested in Adam’s relationship to his body throughout the series (and I’d have to dig up some other notes to elaborate but his POV chapters often pay acute detail to physical sensations, he dissociates on a number of occasions, his sacrifice of his hands and eyes and ongoing struggle for autonomy on physical and psychological levels especially as the unmaker/demon gains access to his hands and eyes, his healing occurring metaphorically via ley line work/outside of his own body, being alive because he bleeds, perhaps positing his awakening in BLLB as a reintegration of his mind and body after that pivotal scrying scene, etc. I would LOVE to discuss this more but I think I to collect my thoughts or the input from someone else on which to reflect- but this is probably the foundation of a legitimate essay imo). The liquifying sensation intimates a dissolution of the body, or the loss of restrained solidity and form, an unwilling spilling out of his tightly rehearsed outward projections. And finally, not knowing what his father found = lack of control = lack of strategy to defuse the conflict and protect himself.

“Robert Parrish grabbed Adam’s collar, forcing his chin up.” This is a repeated gesture in this chapter: a proprietary, controlling action, forcing Adam to make eye contact he’s trying to evade.

“Think fast, Adam. What does he need to hear?” Adam ends up carrying the burden of resolving the abuse inflicted on him, as if it’s his responsibility and not just a deescalating survival tactic. In TRB chapter 32, Blue muses that Adam isn’t often lost for words- but here, he’s scrabbling for words (he’s too panicked for his words/intellect to cooperate). This is another example of Adam’s solution oriented nature (the mechanic, the scientist)- here is a problem; how do I solve it?

“His father drew Adam’s face a bare inch from his, so that Adam could feel the words as well as hear them. ‘You lied to your mother about how much you made.’ ‘I didn’t lie.’ “Do not look in my face and lie to me!’ his father shouted.”  This is one of the more visceral, tactile chapters in the book, with the narration appealing to sensation to convey the intensity of the conflict. The physical nature of the scene also highlights the running theme of Adam’s relationship to his body- how it’s integral to his survival but also how he bargains it away and how it betrays him, the duality of mind and body, etc. I’m remembering that in chapter 31, Adam is highly displeased to be accused by Declan of lying. And not that it really matters, but I wonder if Robert not originally realizing how much money Adam has to accumulate in order to cover the remainder of his tuition is due to a) a lie by omission or b) him simply not listening to Adam’s needs in the first place. Robert also keeps invoking Adam’s mother as she stands idly by, perhaps to emphasize that everyone is against Adam, as if Adam alone is in the wrong here. It’s also interesting that the yelling here is italicized rather than capitalized. I don’t think the books are entirely consistent about this, but I believe we see capitalized yelling from Maura, Neeve, and Jesse, at least. Because the characters’ internal monologues are also italicized, we get a visual representation of how Adam’s parents’ cruel statements worm their way into his own self-talk and therefore self-esteem, self-perception, and reflexive victim blaming (Adam later muses that he has some sort of Stockholm syndrome). The italics in external dialogue and internal monologue collectively simulate abuse survivors’ internalization of abusive rhetoric against themselves. It’s also a little impressive how quickly a knot forms in my stomach at hearing a father say the phrase “your mother.” Has anything good ever followed that phrase?

“When his father’s hand hit his cheek, it was more sound than feeling: a pop like a distant hammer hitting a nail. Adam scrambled for balance, but his foot missed the edge of the stair and his father let him fall.” I’m thinking about hands as tools used as weapons (recurring knife motif in the books, especially in TDT, and how Adam works with his hands, offers up his hands to Cabeswater and in the process the demon uses his hands to nearly kill Ronan). Previously, sound and feeling converged; here, they diverge; Adam is possibly dissociated from the violence to some extent (like a distant hammer, more sound than feeling, etc. … a hammer is also a tool that could be used as a weapon). Adam is literally scrambling for balance here (but also does so figuratively at all times and is often quite successful at maintaining his tightly orchestrated and exhausting equilibrium). The precise nature of Adam’s fall here is brutal- the hit doesn’t make him fall, but it knocks him off balance and the subsequent misstep makes him fall, which his father makes no effort to prevent- the abuse not only aggression but neglect, which is to say control in both positive and negative (not good and bad, but additive and subtractive/maliciously neutral) ways.

“When the side of Adam’s head hit the railing, it was a catastrophe of light. He was aware in a single, exploded moment of how many colors combined to make white.” The prose... The pain is absolute, infinite, world-ending. A railing is a safety feature; a parent is obligated to prioritize their child’s safety. Adam’s injury involving the railing is a testament to his parents’ failure to consider his safety at all. When Adam comes to on the ground, his face, especially his mouth, is “caked with dust” (which frequently appears when Adam expresses shame about his roots); I take the dust as a symbol for a dearth of love given that water repeatedly stands in for love and longing. It’s also a reference to Adam from the Bible being made of the earth. I think his mouth being mentioned in particular references his usual ability to talk his way out of scrutiny and concern or hold his own in arguments, but in the trailer park, his words don’t work as weapons.

“Adam had to put together the mechanics of breathing, of opening his eyes, of breathing again.” A bit of a symbolic rebirth moment, coming back to life. Similar sentiment: “a miracle of moving parts, a study in survival.” My original notes for this chapter said, “I do think this could have been revised though- ‘breathing’ is repeated but not rhythmically or frequently enough (in my opinion) to actually simulate the act of deliberately inhaling and exhaling to self-regulate.” But as I’m re-reading, I understand the choice better. It emphasizes that to live, you must breathe, and breathe again, (and this is relentless), which in turn emphasizes the labor Adam puts in to take yet another breath, to keep going (but the effort to breathe is so great that it’s impossible to consider anything past this breath and the next). Maybe it’s not meant to be a cycle but a Sisyphean climb. Adam has to choose his path forward over and over again.

In Adam’s head: “Just go, Ronan.” He thinks this as he’s rising to his feet after his head hits the railing and sees Ronan’s brake lights go on. The light (Adam indirectly associates Ronan with light multiple times in the text) should be a symbol of hope, but Adam is both too proud and too ashamed to want to hope/accept Ronan stepping in on his behalf. Is this the first time someone not-Parrish has observed the abuse first hand and not just lingering evidence of it? Ronan becoming a direct witness is a line they can’t uncross, a truth Ronan can’t un-know.

“’You’re not playing that game!’ Robert Parrish snapped. ‘I’m not going to stop talking about this just because you threw yourself on the ground. I know when you’re faking, Adam. I’m not a fool. I can’t believe you’d make this kind of money and throw it away on that damn school! All of those times you’ve heard us talking about the power bill, the phone?’” There’s just so much awful here- the victim blaming, the immediate trivialization of Adam’s injury, the devaluation of Adam’s education and opportunity for freedom, and the guilt-tripping over financial burdens a child shouldn’t have to cover, the implication that Adam is running some sort of con, etc.

“His father was far from done. Adam could see it in the way he pushed off his feet with every step down the stairs, from the coil in his body. Adam drew his elbows into his body, ducking his head, willing his ears to clear. What he needed to do was put himself in his father’s head, to imagine what he had to say to defuse this situation.” Keen observation of body language, pattern recognition, (and conscious use of empathy – understanding his father’s thoughts to protect himself). We see these behaviors from Adam in a variety of contexts outside his household; his survival tactics have become ingrained, and while they keep him safe and probably make him a better student too, what is the cost? Exhaustion, mistrust, hypervigilance, repression, isolation. Defusing the situation is what Gansey references back in chapter 7- Adam keeping things quiet.

“But he couldn’t think. His thoughts crashed explosively across the dirt in front of him, in time with the rhythm of his heart. His left ear screamed at him. It was so hot that it felt wet.” Re: previous discussion of mind/body duality, dissociation, etc. his thoughts feeling like they’re outside his body in a dynamic/describable way, the distinction between his ear and himself and the pain transmitted between them, etc. An inability to think as a critical loss given his reliance on his perceptive and intelligent nature.

“Grabbing Adam’s collar, he pulled his son up, as easy as he’d lift a dog. Adam stood, but only just. The ground was sliding away from him, and he stumbled. He had to struggle to find the words again; something was fractured inside him.” In this instant, Adam’s body is at the mercy of his father. This is from where his desperate drive for autonomy comes. Gansey fears that something essential in Adam will break- I’d posit that Gansey fears Adam’s inherent goodness or happiness or youth or curiosity or humor will be trampled beyond help; Adam’s fear of something breaking is more along the lines of his self-assumed potential to be violently angry/a threat to others being unleashed, as if his ability to choose to be good will shatter. Dog/collar – what does this evoke? Adam often laments his upbringing through metaphors about animal behavior (he feels cursed by both nurture and nature. I think this observation is in conversation with my earlier questions about Adam’s thoughts on fate). The ground slides away- the foundation of the world moves (much like the earthquake when he sacrifices himself in Cabeswater); the moment is unstable and unsafe; Adam is unsupported. Struggling for words is unusual for sharp-tongued Adam, but he’s too threatened to think as he usually does.

“’To do this,’ Ronan Lynch snarled, smashing his fist into the side of Robert Parrish’s face.” Reading about Ronan swinging at Declan from Gansey’s POV (nooooo) versus Ronan decking Adam’s dad (YES). I get the feeling that Ronan has been waiting for an excuse to do this for a rather long time. A core aspect of Ronan’s character is not hesitating to cause some damage for a cause in which he believes (especially in TD3).

“Beyond him, the BMW sat, the driver’s side door hanging open, headlights illuminating clouds of dust in the darkness.” Ronan (the BMW) being a source of light in a field of dust, taken with Adam finding the light switch in a previous chapter (29) only once Ronan appears -> Ronan as a source of light (probably more accurate to say source of energy) in Adam’s life.

“Out of his right ear, Adam heard his mother screaming at them to stop. She was holding the phone, waving the phone at Ronan like that would make him stop. There was only one person who could stop Ronan, though, and Adam’s mother didn’t have that number.” Adam’s mother has been a silent bystander while Adam’s dad screams and berates and hits Adam, letting him fall and blaming him for “theatrics,” but as soon as Ronan steps in, she yells for the violence to end. Gansey helps mediate the fight in Nino’s parking lot (TRB, 7)- but Gansey (i.e. Ronan’s impulse control) is not here. The bit about Adam’s mother futilely waving the phone of all things at Ronan is so fitting- she’s found the person perhaps most scornful of phones and telephonic communication on earth.

“Get up, Adam. He was on his hands and knees. The sky looked the same as the ground. He felt fundamentally broken. He couldn’t stand. He could only watch his friend and his father grappling a few feet away. He was eyes without a body.” without a body: dissociation from the current pain and overwhelm; foreshadowing to sacrificing his eyes (and hands) to Cabeswater. The empty, unreal sensation of incredulous “how can this actually be happening” is terrible, and he feels it here. (The sky mirroring the ground reminds me of one of my favorite concepts, probably because of the tomb/shroud quote from the Les Mis chapter about the drowning man; the motif is best summarized as “as above, so below”, which is particularly fitting for the Magician.). I can’t help but think of the sky and the ground as mirrors, reflecting one another in perpetuum like Neeve’s in the Fox Way attic, between which Persephone’s soul gets lost from her body. In “my” tv adaptation (or any visual adaptation really) I’d have Adam’s posture on the ground here (before he gets onto his knees) be the same as Persephone’s on the attic floor when she dies scrying. The fight proceeds without Adam; he has lost a say in his narrative for the time being.

“It was all just noise. What Adam needed was to be able to stand, to walk, to think, and then he could stop Ronan before something awful happened.” The cops show up incredibly quickly here, unless the fight is particularly long and/or Adam’s sense of passing time is warped. “What Adam needs” is a recurring and often tense theme in his character arc, and as usual, his needs are linked to a drive for autonomy, capability, and independent action. We get evidence of Ronan and Adam’s developing, mutual, and unspoken care for each other- the instinct to protect the other, often at the expense of their own wellbeing. Adam, while he’s already gravely injured and unbalanced, worries about something awful happening- but something awful HAS happened, has been happening.  I’ll go on a bit of a tangent here because “it was all just noise” that Adam wants to filter out reminds me of things like signal to noise ratio, electrical impulses and synapses, electricity and ley lines, and how once Adam becomes the magician, he learns to scry intentionally (metaphor- healing from, or at least understanding, dissociation) and to rewire the ley line (metaphor- rewiring his brain as he heals, eventually distinguishing Cabeswater from his father, and accepts the necessity of connecting with others to do so/accepting the dual risk and reward of love, connection, magic, etc. which are double-edged swords in this context). I’m jumping ahead here, but I think Adam’s awareness of the way in which he takes in data from his environment, synthesizes a response, and acts accordingly is always relevant. Ever the scientist and all that.

“This can’t happen. He can’t go to jail because of me.” This is one of Adam’s sacrifices – pressing charges and losing his home/a say in how and when he leaves the trailer, all to keep Ronan out of jail (and expulsion, and Declan-induced eviction from Monmouth, and self-destruction, et cetera). In some ways, this is The Big Sacrifice of the book (and the bargain with Cabeswater at the climax gives an additional magical and metaphorical layer of commentary? discussion? on how and why Adam makes sacrifices and the consequences that arise from them). There are a lot of similarities between the sacrifices. I haven’t read the latter chapter in a little while, but from memory: “he was eyes without a body” links to “I will be your hands, I will be your eyes,” both of which play into the overarching theme of Adam’s fight for bodily autonomy, dissociation and eventual reintegration of body and mind (BLLB I am alive because I bleed chapter is crucial to this), a focus on his senses and how they become unreliable as he processes the events of the first book, etc. The foundations of Adam’s world figuratively (first sacrifice) and literally (second sacrifice, with the earthquake/stampede) shift beneath his feet. In the center of the pentagram, there is no sound at all. These vestibular and auditory effects of the magical sacrifice emulate detail from the mundane counterpart, which sets up the narrative about Adam learning to distinguish between the two (Cabeswater is not the boss of you, etc.). There’s also the parallel intervention of Ronan/Cabeswater on the behalf of Adam’s safety that forces him to make decisions/confront the consequences, even though Ronan intervening catalyzes Adam’s sacrifice of his pride, autonomy, and home and Cabeswater intervenes against Whelk after Adam sacrifices himself to the forest…much to chew on here. Mirroring experiences, perhaps. I’ll also say that one thing I really appreciate in TRC is that the metaphors don’t obscure the real life experiences (like you pointed out, Adam dissociates because of his magical connection/sacrifice to Cabeswater, but also as he copes with his father’s abuse, so the metaphor enriches and further discusses rather than sanitize the effects of the abuse; another example of this is Ronan’s dreaming, at least in TDT, doesn’t supplant him being gay and the associated identity, isolation, exploration, etc. experiences- the magical counterpart to the real experience is additive, not obfuscating or censoring. [I say at least in TDT because in TD3 I think the dreaming takes on additional metaphorical meaning such as chronic illness, generational trauma, amongst other things).

“He knew he looked drunk. He needed to get himself together. Only this afternoon he’d touched Blue’s face. It had felt like anything was possible, like the world soared out in front of him. He tried to channel that sensation, but it felt apocryphal.” Concern with outward appearance- his injury is internal, so there’s no way for the cops to believe him without his or Ronan’s explanation. The assumed concussion temporarily robs Adam of his resources- clear headedness, analytical skills, etc. “He tried to channel that sensation, but it felt apocryphal” is such a painful and effective way to describe someone grasping for hope and having it slip through their fingers. Adam, whose faith is “imperfect” to start with, is further challenged here. I always think of the word “apocryphal” when I think of this chapter. The infinite (the world soaring out in front of him) previously gave him a sense of optimism, but in this chapter, the infinite mirrors (ground and sky) trap and dwarf him. Blue’s face (which is to say connection with Blue) felt like potential. I think you could interpret this chapter as the beginning of the end for Blue and Adam’s romantic relationship- the attraction and care for one another persists, but there’s a distinct shift in their interactions after this chapter that disconnects them in a way they don’t resolve until after they break up.

Adam replaying what his mother has told him previously to keep the abuse quiet: “Don’t say anything, Adam. Tell him you fell down. It really was a little your fault, wasn’t it? We’ll deal with it as a family.”  Encouraging him to keep secrets, to lie, to blame himself, to believe in the guise of a family his parents hide behind (he’s ostracized in his own home for acting “against the good of the family”). This rhetoric from his mother gets woven into his own internal monologue.

“If Adam turned his father in, everything crashed down around him. If Adam turned him in, his mother would never forgive him. If Adam turned him in, he could never come home again.” These statements are written like hypotheses. If _, then _. Scientific. Even though she’s watched him endure so much pain and violence and has done nothing to help him, he grapples with the guilt of leaving behind his mother. This moment is a crucial turning point for Adam, when he’s standing at the crossroads of two of the existing paths described in TRB chapter 15 at his reading. It’s one of several explanations of his hesitation to live somewhere safer, of why the more arduous and painful way of doing things is in some ways easier for him.

“Adam couldn’t move in with Gansey. He had done so much to make sure that when he moved out, it would be on his own terms. Not Robert Parrish’s. Not Richard Gansey’s. On Adam Parrish’s terms, or not at all.” Full names invite the reader to consider [confront?] these characters as complete and distinguishable entities -> what defines each character/what is intrinsic to each?, how can you distinguish their own goals and personal ethos? If Adam succeeds in the world, he can claim all credit. If he fails, he resigns himself to shoulder the blame alone without the messy implications of shared culpability. He doesn’t see anything as worth doing if he can’t do it independently in the way he’s meticulously determined to be optimal, in the way that keeps his pride most intact.

“Adam touched his left ear. The skin was hot and painful, and without his hearing to tell him when his finger was close to his ear cavity, his touch felt imaginary. The whine in the ear had subsided and now there was … nothing. There was nothing at all.” The loss of his hearing is representative of greater loss- of literal (vestibular) and figurative balance (oh by the way do you know what requires good balance…riding a bike), of the ability to observe the world in the precise way in which he observed it before, the curse of an invisible injury he must explain by telling rather than showing as well as the unquantifiable psychological impact of surviving abuse, etc. Adam feels that he has nothing after losing not just half of his hearing but his home, even if said home is dangerous, the opposite of a sanctuary. He ends up at St. Agnes, which he thinks of as “Adam Parrish’s nothing,” something visually unimpressive but valuable in the way that it is his alone, untainted by the authority of others. I’m thinking about “Gansey. That’s all there is.” versus “There was nothing at all.” and how their experiences are so heavily shaped by their families and the associated expectations based on their upbringings and how they worry that others perceive them as their origins rather than their actions. “His touch felt imaginary” echoes the sentiment of Blue’s touch feeling apocryphal; the abuse disconnects Adam from others and from himself.

“Ronan was defending me.” Adam’s mouth was dry as the dirt around them. The officer’s expression focused on him as he went on. “From my father. All this … is from him. My face and my …” A couple observations: Adam breaking his ��keeping things quiet” habit to the cops; Ronan has already begun to make him loud. It might just be a function of his injured state but I think Adam referring to Ronan as Ronan, as if anyone would automatically know his name, posits Ronan as some essential figure in Adam’s life (although to be completely fair there are few enough people in this scene to make it obvious to whom Adam’s referring- but I do think the word choice is deliberate, especially since he doesn’t use Lynch, which to an outsider might imply more distance between them). The dirt/dust motif returns as he thinks of his father/his origins; his dry mouth indicates the strain of making this sacrificial confession. And finally, the double entendre of “All this.. is from him. My face and my…” to mean the immediate state of Adam’s injuries but also his pervasive concern that he has inherited his father’s violence and cruelty. We know that Adam resembles his mother more (at least facially), but these books are about mirrors (and Adam looks into them frequently, literally and figuratively), and he’s most concerned about seeing his father looking back at him.

“His mother was staring at him. He closed his eyes. He couldn’t look at her and say it. Even with his eyes closed, he felt like he was falling, like the horizon pitched, like his head tilted. Adam had the sick feeling that his father had managed to knock something crucial askew. And then he said what he couldn’t say before. He asked, ‘Can I … can I press charges?’” To make this decision is to completely disrupt his carefully planned life; he’s falling into a version of his life he wasn’t prepared to live in yet. Adam’s fear about being permanently altered echoes Gansey’s fears about Adam. I think, on a less central note, his view of Ronan is also knocked askew after this incident (him using violence on behalf of someone other than himself). I’ve been musing on the decision to mention his mother one last time at the end of the chapter, and I think it’s to emphasize the complexity of Adam’s decision (and that he’s considering the repercussions of leaving his mother alone in the trailer with Robert. I think the fact that she doesn’t have a canon first name indicates that she also lacks power and autonomy in the household, or will especially lack such things once Adam leaves).

I think it’s significant that we never see inside the Parrish house- the violence we see on page happens outside. The audacity of Adam’s father to yell at him and assault him on their front steps for anyone to see is…really something. Even in his own POV chapters, which are quite introspective and descriptive, Adam doesn’t let us in to the extent of his life at home (from a meta standpoint, this makes sense- it’s just as effective and less exploitative to characterize the extent and impact of abuse through Adam’s self-image and relationships and behaviors rather than saturating the text with repetitive, gratuitous, and graphic sequences of abuse). And while I’m dancing around the subject of private vs public spheres, I am very interested in discussing Adam in terms of unheimlich/the uncanny and I’m hesitant to do so because so much of it will come from Freud’s essay on the uncanny and with that comes all sorts of cans of worms but there’s something about the domestic vs public spheres and in the home and out of the home (stemming from the etymology of heimlich and unheimlich) and homelessness and Adam’s uncanniness and strangeness (both as in odd and as in foreign/estranged). Freud’s essay even talks about the loss of eyes as a castration metaphor in a different work that I’m forgetting at the moment, but even if we exchange castration for loss of autonomy (which might be a misinterpretation of the text but I’m still percolating), it works so well with I will be your eyes/the demon taking over Adam’s eyes/his visions that begin in TDT chapter 8/the blindfold on Adam and the figure on the two of swords and eight of swords cards, etc. (A lot of associated themes work for Ronan too- the intentional use of the word strange at the beginning of The Dream Thieves and the Lynch brothers’ estrangement from the Barns and Ronan dreaming about going home and him existing of and between two worlds and how these two uncanny and strange characters find themselves in these weird, isolating social valleys and seek a sense of home with from other…) anyway this is hopefully an actual essay I will write someday, but it will require a good amount of reading outside the series.

I did a final read-through of the chapter after I revised my notes to see if I missed anything (and of course I did) and I did want to highlight the switch from “his father” to “Parrish” when Adam describes the brawl that ensues when Ronan hits his dad, which I think serves the purpose reminding us how Adam separates himself from violence as a dissociative coping mechanism, how Ronan’s intervention grants Adam some distance from the situation, etc. but also how Adam views the Parrish name- violent, on the ground, in the dust. I also forgot to consider the purpose of flashing back to Gansey right before Adam makes his sacrifice (to press charges, to keep Ronan out of jail): You won’t leave because of your pride? We’re given a clear example of the circumstances necessary for Adam to give up said pride (it would be reductive but not incorrect to say the circumstances = Ronan).

[stillfrownyclownlol]

FROWNY. I know I commented some of my thoughts already (and already gave you an ask about it) but I have more and the comments have a word limit so I’m just gonna say them here:

ADAM. ADAM. I’m sorry but I think he’s my favourite character. Like THE RITUAL WITH HIM AND PERSEPHONE?? HER SAYING “They didn’t believe me”????? EXCSUE ME??? HELLO?? GIRL?? I cannot BELIEVE the amount of happenings I’ve just read. Like WHAT. He hasn’t woken up yet but like omg my baby my boy please come here and let me HUG YOU. He’s been going through it this whole book and he genuinely needs a hug I just wanna squeeze him and keep him safe UGHHHH.

ANYWAY. SO. Gansey and Blue??? CUTE AF?? Sad her and Adam aren’t together but honestly saw it coming — I was just in denial really. Like he’s literally her TRUE LOVE. There’s NO WAY she wouldn’t fall for him. I’m happy they considered Adam’s feelings though, but like OMG THE MOUNTAIN SCENE?? It was so cute and I could picture it so well in my mind like… (if you don’t remember what scene I’m referring to it’s the one after Adam’s scrying where Blue and Gansey drive off to clear their heads and then they stop at this beautiful scenery and then feelings get blown and they are REALLY cute)

UM. KAVINSKY?? HELLO?? I thought he was just some random jerk?? HE CAN DO SHIT WITH HIS DREAMS TOO?? And what’s with all the gay jokes?? My guy is so fruity, he calls Ronan “sweetheart” and “princess” this man is NOT STRAIGHT. like at all. Also Ronan??? RONAN??? KILL ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I CANT BELIVE HE DID THAT?? WITH THE CAMARO?? GENUINELY SCREAMED WHEN THAT HAPPENED??? And HIS EUPHORIC LAUGHTER?? HE SMILED?????? PLEASE CAN I HAVE MORE OF THAT????

Gray Man is ehh still, like he and Maura are cute I guess and he figured out Greywaren was a someones instead of a something but also okay?? I mean at least he isn’t gonna kidnap them or kill them? (At least, I hope not because I’m not done with the book)

Last thing I wanna talk about before I go read again: I officially love the Lynch brothers (like maybe not Declan YET but I’m only on book 2) and the Gansey’s aren’t all that bad. I also just want Adam to find someone who’d love him because he’s been so deprived of it his whole life like UGHHH ADAM??? I wanna cry he’s such a wreck 😭

Ok rant over !

NOOOOO YOURE AT THE RITUAL SCENE? PLEASEEEE BROKE MY HEART FR 😭😭😭

Omg the mountain scene. THE MOUNTAIN SCENE. THE DRIVE- SLDHOSBDOD IT WAS SO- AUGGHHHH. anyways don't worry Adam will also get his happiness 🙂‍↕️

THE KAVINSKY PLOT TWIST WAS CRAZYYYYY LMAO. also yeah he's fruity af kshjdbfsi.

WHEN HE CRASHED THE CAMARO KAHDJHDKS RIGHT AFTER GANSEY WAS THINKING ABOUT IT 💀 KILLED ME-

Grey Man is whatever I appreciate his help but like lowkey you shouldn't have been there in the same place-

The Lynch Brothers drive me insane in the best possible way ~

ADAM WILL FIND LOVE I PROMISEEEEE <3

[girl4pay]

This might be a big question but what would be the ideal way for the raven king to have ended in ur opinion. Bc it doesn’t make sense as is and thematically falls apart I feel but I can never quite figure out what the actually most narratively satisfying thing would be

lets get married. okay keeping in mind i haven't read the series in full in a couple years my core issues with trk are: i think gwenllian was criminally misused, i think adding in laumonier and blue's dad made very little sense and i think doing the gansey noah and cabeswater deaths back to back the way they were was a terrible way to handle a climax. you don't need blue's dad and you don't need laumonier. too many random new parents and men who are absolutely vestigal. gwenllian should be blue's mentor, you focus the piper plotline completely on a professional antagonism between her and henry's mom who can act as the antithesis to piper's greed and recklessness. the grey man is the reader's familiar link between Crime and Magic here, so you can still have him face the challenge of his old life threatening his new life by having to forge an alliance with seondeok to take down a shared threat. 

gwenllian as blue's mentor would come with a similar but almost opposite effect to persephone's mentorship on adam: blue isn't getting stranger, she's getting angrier. this witch who knows what she is keeps getting mayo in her hair and her teachers don't understand her and her family is being evasive and the boy she loves is going to die. also a demon is clouding her perspective, but she doesn't really know that yet. more adam and blue scheming to keep gansey alive. more research and bugging relatives and desperately looking into rituals while it becomes clearer to the reader that adam is losing his agency and blue is losing her clearsightedness. gansey's panic attacks begin to attune themselves to the moments where noah is not himself as well. his chest hurts, he can't breathe - it feels like something is sucking away at his heart. at the same time adam is still trying to help ronan with waking up the dreams, and blue is getting closer to gansey and henry, trying to imagine a future that feels like her own when she has the weights of her confused identity and her fate hanging around her neck. 

i would have ronan and gansey's relationship blow up here: between the hospital and aurora's death, maybe after his birthday party, ronan finds out - probably through declan, to add insult to injury and even more fucked up brother resentment - that gansey is trying to buy him a diploma. actually definitely just after the night of truth bullshit for prime outrageousness lmao. it goes nuclear. blue is, catastrophically to gansey, on ronan's side. adam is, infuriatingly to everyone, judgmentally neutral. things progress as they were except instead of henry getting kidnapped we get a very reluctant henry passing a message to tgm - things have progressed past the point that is acceptable with piper, and his mother wants to meet. also the visit with gansey's family is tense - they love her and henry, and they just can't understand what's gotten into gansey, who's distracted and snappy, and when helen confronts him, he blows up at her, saying a lot more about his worry for ronan and his fear about what will happen to him than was revealed in the initial fight. they're siblings, their relationship can handle it, but there's still an overarching sense that she doesn't really understand, because gansey is still holding his real fear of dying close to his chest. 

cut to auroras death and the grey man having to leave maura with this tragedy to join seondeok - a king, joining a king, doing what needs doing, instead of just a continued trope about being made for violence or whatever that was. there scene with ronan at the bmw goes more or less the same. gansey goes off on his own because he feels isolated and like the burden of fixing all this lies on his shoulders, gwenllians weird witch pep talk goes to blue instead. here is where you would insert cool fun shit about what being a mirror actually means! all of them reunite as in canon, ronan and gansey reconcile after ronan is like you dumb motherfucker i need you here you're my brother and gansey says some self sacrificing shit and blue and adam make it clear without Making It Clear they are going to stand by him, because they still don't know he knows he's going to die. 

here is where we reach the core difficulty: i think the death kiss is incredibly stupid and i don't know how i would write around it. i know how i would finish trk from here, but the kiss curse would not show up at all. i like the kiss curse as a concept but it just doesn't make any sense in the narrative of agency trc constructs and i think it limit's blue's storyline. so without considering the kiss curse: as the demon hijacks adam and tries to use blue as an amplifier to spread to other ley lines, everyone realizes the stakes. everything cabeswater has touched, everything the ley line has touched is at risk, and the ley lines are ALL CONNECTED. blue and adam have been skirting around the realization that the demon and cabeswater are like mirrors the whole book. you can't have one without the other. there is no corruption without something to corrupt. the way cabeswater focuses the ley line for ronan is how the demon has been getting power too, but it's a self contained loop, consumption instead of guidance. kill cabeswater, kill the demon. gansey asks it, realizing in a way they others don’t seem to that he and cabeswater are linked, and the others act. there's a little giving tree moment between ronan and cabeswater, which will surely not contribute to any farreaching survivors guilt that might show up in a sequel series. here is where blue being a mirror comes into play. when neeve was trying to see farther than she could, she used a mirror and it sent her there. the demon is trying to consume beyond it's bounds. a mirror sends it inwards. here blue sees the moment of violence that birthed the demon, and she's terrified and it's tragic. it's a very bildungsroman moment of grief and terror of what will come after for everyone. death of the child birth of the man etc. noah, perpetual child, gets laid to rest with cabeswater, but without cabeswater the ley line floods. here is where gansey dies: without noah fighting his hardest to keep him going, because noah loved him, because cabeswater needed him, his heart simply stops. here is where blue kisses him, because it doesn't matter any more, because he dies even though she didn't, because she's seeing without the demon clouding her for the first time in what feels like the longest time and all she can see is grief. shit gets magically weird with adam and ronan too, and it's henry who grounds them all, who is used to enforcing practicality on the unknown to keep himself safe. with his help the three of them dream something to save gansey. ta da! 

i feel like this would also feed much better into the theme of the dreamer trilogy of like opening ley lines etc bcus trk completely glosses over what happens to the ley line without cabeswater there, and adds to it making sense that ronan thinks opening the ley lines is a good idea - he saved gansey with it! what more could he do! whereas adam felt overwhelmed and out of control and spends the next year trying to construct and repair his own real life conduits and safeguards on the ley line as ronan builds lindenmere. what are your thoughts did i miss anything that you were like absolutely not hate that need it to be gone

[zephfair]

17, 25, 39 for the weird fic writing asks, please!! <3

Thank you so much for the ask!! I'll do my best! 😘

17. Talk to me about the minutiae of your current WIP. Tell me about the lore, the history, the detail, the things that won’t make it in the text.

I’m currently trying to finish the second half of “Saw all your warning flags” and I’m struggling~😭 I’d only imagined it as another stupid meet-cute that I’ve recently so loved writing, but partway through, I started thinking about writing more. That was a mistake. 😔 I can’t quite capture the mood I think I achieved in the first half, but I’m trying! I delete! I re-write! I go back and add! It’s not working!😭😭😭

I was so excited that one comment nailed what I was trying to suggest in the first half—that Adam thinks Ronan has all these red flags when it’s really Adam’s behavior that should be warning because Adam is acting kind of like a jerk. Luckily for him, Ronan’s into that! 😉😂

25. What is a weird, hyper-specific detail you know about one of your characters that is completely irrelevant to the story?

For Ronan in that story, I believe that Ronan was well and truly jealous of this “Parrish” that Gansey always talks about ad nauseam and probably has a crush on and jeez, Dick, why don’t you just marry this Parrish if you love him so much??? And Ronan imagines him as the absolute worst, snobbiest, ugliest nerd so he doesn’t care if he never meets Adam. When Adam blows off another Gansey-arranged playdate, Ronan just shrugs because he thinks Adam is an asshole on top of being a snobby nerdy Gansey-thief. It’s even worse when Ronan finally accepts Blue into his pack and realizes that she’s besotted with Adam too.🙄🙄

Then one day Ronan is driving to Gansey’s and he sees this dude cross the street in front of him and it’s sparkly lights ✨✨and magic 💫💫like the scene when he falls in love at first sight with Adam pushing his bike. Ronan thinks he’ll never see the ethereal soulmate of his life again...until Blue is visiting the Barns and trying to show him pictures of Gansey covered in shaving cream for a prank and there is the infamous picture of them at the carwash, with a shirtless, soaked and smirking angel that Ronan has been daydreaming about for at least two years.😇

Imagine his shock/delight/chagrin at finding out that it’s the friend-stealing, double-crossing, anti-social Parrish. Doesn’t mean that he won’t try one date with him, though. 😉😉😉

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

Sometimes I’m inspired by reading a really excellent fic and hugging my tablet to my chest and thinking, “God, I want to be able to write like that! I’ll never get there if I don’t try! I can’t write as good as them, but I’ll write anyway!”

Sometimes I’m procrastinating all of the important things I need to get done, but writing has to be more fun than that so here’s a WIP.

Sometimes I get a bizarre idea for a fic, but it starts to coalesce and I absolutely have to start writing it down before it escapes my mind.

Sometimes I get a comment on fic, maybe a really old fic, and they tell me that my fic made them laugh and it’s such a huge inspiration to keep chipping away at my WIPs because I love making people laugh.

And sometimes I’ll try reading a published book that is so dreadfully and poorly written that I’m lit on fire with spite because if they can get an actual publishing deal, then my writing can’t be so bad and maybe at least one reader will enjoy it.😜

[willowbird]

Congrats!! If you want, how about the first time Ronan sleeps over at St. Agnes? Like the pining!!

Yay! I was SO EXCITED to get a Ronan/Adam ask!! I may have gone a little overboard with the pining, but I hope you still like it <3 <3 This is actually my first Pynch ficlet! I hope you like it! Lemme know if you think I should post it on AO3 ^^; Since it’s my first time actually writing them and I haven’t read the books as many times as I’ve read AFTG I hope it’s okay!

-----

Ronan bounced the rubber ball against the sloped ceiling from where he lay on Adam’s bed, waiting for the other boy to get out of the shower. He’d been out, just driving around with no discernable purpose or direction, when it came around that time for Parrish to get out of work so he’d swung by and picked him up. There’d been no reason to say no when Adam had asked if he wanted to come up for a while. After all, he and Adam were friends -- no matter how much they seemed to bicker -- and Ronan liked being at St. Agnes. Sometimes, it was honestly more satisfying to be there than it was to be at Monmouth. Nothing beat being at the Barnes, but still -- St. Agness had a particular energy, it always had. 

After all, Ronan Lynch was no stranger to St. Agnes. The hours he’d spent in the quiet pews could stack together to build a universe apart from the rest of the world, a separate realm that even the horrors inside his own mind couldn’t touch. And yet, since Adam came to live there, the hallowed halls of that familiar place had developed a completely new,,, feeling that Ronan had no idea how to feel about. 

A part of Ronan wanted to be pissed off about it. 

A bigger part of Ronan was fascinated in the way that the travelers in his father’s stories had always been fascinated by the glow of will-o’-the-wisps between the branches of the deep woods and frosted bogs. The peace that the church had once given him was spiked with something else now, something that fizzed like pop-rocks under his skin, and as annoying as that was -- he really couldn’t say that he hated it. 

Considering he knew that the fizz of... enchantment was most definitely caused by the boy now living in that small, slanted room above the church? No, he really couldn’t say that he hated it at all. 

Not to say that Adam I’ll-be-independent-if-it-kills-me Parrish didn’t make him want to punch his fist through a fucking brick wall -- because he absolutely did. But there was also something... undeniably right about the boy taking up residence above the church. After all, the infuriating pest already lived full time inside his head, he might as well sleep in the building that housed Ronan’s soul as well. At least he was fucking consistent. 

The shabby door connecting the bedroom to the tiny bathroom creaked open and Ronan caught the ball on its rebound and didn’t throw it again, instead turning his head to look as Adam entered the room. 

He did not expect to see Adam walk into the bedroom in nothing but a towel and instantly looked back up at the ceiling, throwing the ball again with a bit more force than necessary. Only his quick reflexes saved him from losing a fucking eye. He tried not to think about the way the other boy’s skin had been flushed pink from the heat of the shower, his hair damp and pushed haphazardly back from his face, exposing cheekbones and eyes that...

Okay, he tried -- that didn’t mean he succeeded. 

“Sorry, it’ll just be a minute. I forgot to grab something to change into.” Adam’s voice was soft, lilted with the Henrietta accent in the way that only happened when he was either really emotional or perfectly at ease. Ronan would never tell him how much he loved hearing the edge of gravel and wild country grass around his vowels, not on pain of death, but that didn’t make it any less true. 

“Take your time, Parrish. I don’t fucking care.” No one needed to know that the sigh that followed was relief at how nonchalant he had managed to make the words, instead of the dry irritation it sounded like. 

Adam huffed a soft laugh and Ronan could feel the eye-roll being directed at him. He didn’t bother to hide his grin, just gave it a bit more teeth as he tossed the ball up and caught it again. 

It was only another few minutes before the door creaked open again and Adam came out -- this time fully clothed. Ronan caught the ball and sat up, scooting over so that Adam could come over and sit down, which the other boy did with a flourish and a groan. 

“Ugh, I just do not wanna do homework.”

“Then don’t.” Ronan shrugged and bounced the ball on the floor this time, angling it slightly so that when it rebounded it went toward Adam. 

Adam caught it easily and bounced it back, timed perfectly with a familiar scoff. “Some of us care about school, you know.” Ronan waited for a beat, but when Adam didn’t follow that up with chastisement or prod for him to start caring about school, he gave a small shrug. 

“Sure, but tomorrow is Saturday. It isn’t like you’ve got anything due tomorrow. You just got off work, learn how to fucking relax.” He caught the ball and held it for a moment, tilting his head back as he mimicked a thoughtful expression. “Oh, oh that’s right, you don’t know how to relax.” He gave a deep, mournful sigh and bounced the ball back at him. “Shame, for man so smart to be missing such a vital real-life skill.”

“Ha ha, you’re hilarious,” Adam sniped back, but his words were sharpened more with amusement than irritation. 

“Oh, I know. I’m a regular comedy special,” Ronan agreed readily. “But that, actually, was not a joke.” He could press here. He could remind Adam that his whole world didn’t need to be as rigid as he was making it to be. He could tell him that he could afford to take a break every now and then, that he deserved to chill the fuck out. But if he did that he risked sounding too much like Gansey or repeating an argument that neither of them probably felt like jumping into tonight. So instead, he caught the ball and cocked his head, studying the other boy curiously. 

Then he asked, “Where would you go? If you could go anywhere in the world with no consequences. What would you do? And not to accomplish anything great or whatever -- I’m talking just for fun.”

Adam held up his hand for the ball and Ronan tossed it to him. His eyes caught on the way he began to roll it between his palms, those long fingers curling around it, bony wrists twisting to pass it from one hand to the other. Ronan had the sudden urge to brush his lips over the prominent bump in each wrist. Not in a kiss -- but just to feel the protrusion against his mouth. 

“That’s pretty broad,” Adam said with a hum, oblivious to his distraction. “There’s a lot of places I could go.”

“That’s the point. There’s no consequences, no limits. You could go anywhere.” He dragged his gaze away from those hands but this time they caught on the exposed bit of Adam’s collarbone on the way up to his face. “So pick a place, Parrish. Never known you to be so indecisive.”

Adam’s eyes dropped from where they’d been thoughtfully searching the ceiling, locking onto his as he flashed a sharp smirk. That expression cut him right between the ribs, twisted, and nestled in nice and deep for the winter -- because this, this was the Adam Parrish he couldn’t stop thinking about. Everyone seemed to underestimate him. Everyone thought he was so soft, thought he was so polite and sweet and yeah sure, he was all of those things, but that was only one part of him. It was just the surface setting to the multiverse that was Adam Parrish, and this sharp, biting, cunning side of him was closer to his core. Ronan knew he was one of the only people who knew that side was there, and was probably the only person who truly understood how much a part of him that facet was. 

“All right,” he said, his voice smooth and low and Ronan had the distinct certainty that if that sound were a drink it would be a spiked mulled cider, husky and tart in a way that made your head light and your chest warm. “I’ll play. But you go first. Where would you go? Somewhere outside of the States,” he added, before Ronan could say the Barnes -- because he was apparently that predictable. 

Ronan rolled his eyes, but shrugged and slipped off the bed, laying on the floor beside the bed and pillowing his hands under his head as he thought. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Adam stretch out on the bed on his stomach, hugging a pillow and using it to prop his head up a bit as he looked down at Ronan. The feel of Adam’s full and undivided attention on him did things to his pulse he didn’t want to think about. 

“Probably Ireland,” he finally said after a long moment of thought that was torn up and distributed between flickers of distraction caused by Adam’s silhouette in his peripheral, from the way his damp hair was falling into his eyes now that it was beginning to dry all the way to the slump of his broad shoulders and the sharp jut of his elbows against the cushions. There just really wasn’t any part of Adam Parrish that Ronan didn’t want to look at. 

A soft huff of laughter had Ronan turning his head to look at him straight on and the amusement on the other boy’s face told him that he was being predictable again. Ronan frowned -- he didn’t like being predictable. 

“Don’t give me that look. Tell me why, Ronan Lynch.” There was a teasing note in Adam’s voice, and if it were anyone else that would have brought Ronan’s back up -- would have made him snap his teeth and snarl. Coming from Adam, he had to give himself a moment so he didn’t trip over his own foolish tongue. 

Somehow he managed to avoid that humiliation. Instead, he told Adam about Ireland through his father’s eyes. He told himself he didn’t care about the softening of Adam’s smile, that it did absolutely nothing to him to watch the other boy close his eyes and rest his cheek on the pillow, leaving himself vulnerable as he dipped into his own thoughts. Rather, he focused on the stories he was telling Adam, reliving them as he did his best impression of his father’s cadence and storyteller’s hum. He told him stories about the fair folk, the fey and the night creatures. He told him about the magic of each valley and river and dale. He shared his favorite tales about cheeky brownies and powerful, dangerous sidhe that became captivated by the bright, fleeting magic of a human’s ability to create. 

Adam listened to each one, and that smile...? It never faded, not even once. 

“It’s your turn,” Ronan finally said, when his heart was full and his lungs tight -- torn between the memories caused by those stories and these newer, more electric feelings caused by the proximity of Adam Parrish’s smile.

“Mm, I think... I think that if I were to go anywhere in the world I’d want to see high mountains. High mountains and dark woods. Deep lakes. Flowers that seem to have their own language between the brightness of their colors and the way they sway toward and away from each other in a wind that affects them and them alone. Butterflies that cast shadows like birds of prey...” As he spoke his words drew further and further apart, his tone drifting as fatigue from the long day dragged him down toward sleep. 

Ronan held his breath, almost wanting to prod him for more -- because it was rare to hear Adam talk... well, like a dreamer. Adam was a boy who kept himself grounded so deeply in reality it was sometimes painful for Ronan to be around him. This secret side of him, this side of dreams and hope and wonder... it was a vulnerable side that he knew Adam wouldn’t be indulging in if he weren’t perfectly comfortable and probably way more tired than he’d originally thought he was. It was a side of him that Ronan had always known existed (you couldn’t chase a dead Welsh king without being at least part whimsy, no matter how charismatic Gansey was) but one that Adam kept very close to the chest. 

“Mm... Ronan?” Adam’s voice was soft and sleep-slurred, his eyelashes shielding the color of his eyes, he was barely able to keep them open. 

“Yeah?” Ronan’s voice was rough, even to his own ears, but Adam didn’t seem to notice.

“Do you think a place like that actually exists?” The question was light, but there was a raw, sweet shard of hope beneath the words that cut Ronan in a tender space below his throat. 

“Yes,” Ronan promised with certainty, not even needing to think about it -- not even needing to question it. “I know it does.”

Adam’s eyes dropped all the way closed and he smiled, sighing in relief. That sigh transitioned directly into the deep, slow breaths of sleep. 

Ronan knew that he should get up. Sleeping on the floor would give him one hell of a backache, and Adam hadn’t said he could stay over. He should get up and stretch, then drive back to Monmouth, where he should crawl into his own bed for the night -- or maybe stay up longer and bother Gansey, because fuck knew that guy didn’t understand the concept of a regulated sleeping schedule. 

Instead, Ronan watched Adam until his own eyes just couldn’t stay open any longer. Then, from the floor of St. Agnes, beside the boy who called to him like a fire-sprite, Ronan dreamed. He dreamed of dark woods and flowers that seemed to have their own language, between their bright colors and the way they swayed in their own self-contained breezes. He dreamed of butterflies that cast shadows like birds of prey. He dreamed of safe places even in the dark woods -- and when Ronan dreamed... well, when Ronan dreamed, reality itself seemed to listen.

[toast-the-unknowing]

la verse adam makes me sad that he stayed working in a place he hated for so long but that's something that's very accurate, and i know you left it pretty in the open but i hope that after he's break he finds something that he loves, i could maybe see him as a social worker but i think the emotional baggage is also kind of strong, maybe he could be a teacher he would be terrified at first but i think he would be a good one, anyway that's were my goo brain went today, love your verse

I don't expect to ever write the story(ies) where these events will occur, but I have vaguely headcanoned out what becomes of Adam's career post-leaving his old law firm:

He has a stated intention throughout of the series of switching from criminal defense to criminal prosecution, which comes from the hurt and powerlessness he felt as a teen when his dad was acquitted. Since he's Adam Parrish, he does in fact achieve the thing he sets out to do. Except...

He gets to the district attorney's office and absolutely hates it, because most of what he is doing there has jack shit to do with protecting the innocent or reducing harm. He gets really disillusioned and bitter about it, because not only does this job suck, but this was supposed to be the thing that was BETTER than the LAST job that sucked, this was supposed to be the reward for staying at the place he hated so long, and if it's godawful too then everything must just be godawful, what's the fucking point.

Ronan feels very helpless because Adam is miserable but he has no idea what the heck to do about it, it's not like he has any way of fixing it; Adam is smarter than him and knows more than Ronan does about the legal field (since Ronan goes out of his way to avoid learning about it) and if Adam can't figure out something he would be happy doing, what the hell is Ronan supposed to do about it?

Gansey probably has a lot of well-intentioned advice that wouldn't help. Blue probably has a couple of suggestions for things Adam could do instead that might actually be a decent fit but at this point Adam is resigned and sees no point and is even less welcome to accepting help from other people than usual.

I think ultimately in my mind where Adam does end up finding a new role for himself that actually makes him feel satisfied with his work is through Declan; I don't really know what the opportunity is, but I figure at some point Declan mentions to some politician or advisor or director of some worthy cause that he knows someone in Los Angeles who would be a good fit for X thing, and since meeting with this person really feels more like doing a favor for his brother-in-law instead of accepting a favor from a friend, Adam is actually willing to take the lunch meeting or go to the networking event or whatever it is, and it is a good fit, and he goes and does whatever that is.

I don't really know what that new role is, and fuck, I can barely make my own career decisions, I'm not tremendously interested in sussing out the details. Suffice to say Adam has a few more years to go of "staying at a job he hates" but he gets to something rewarding in the end.