#what no penis does to a mf

[jrueships]

jaren waiting for his husband to come back from the war (therapy)

[the-last-dillpickle]

The main differing factor in the life of Garak vs his mirror universe counterpart was that our Garak was getting dicked down on the regular

[lovesickgoose]

Here's my wife

[Click for marginally better quality]

The Penis Uncut

[soup-future]

watched talented mr ripley for the first time. in tom's attempts to emulate dickie he takes on his worst traits, and ends up fumbling a pensive white boy. sad!

[ruby-static]

Waking up from a surprise brain surgery only to be met with the unhinged robotic echoes of pre-war scientists so removed from their humanity, and now they’re debating what a penis is for a solid minute.

This is what investigating crashed satellites does to a mf.

[averagelivingbeings]

The black magic tube, Part 2

Part 1

Top Blade/Bottom afab Dan Heng

Dan Heng has had enough of the ghost fucker’s antics now and rushes home in the hopes of not being demolished in public again.

Word Count: 3361

Tags: PWP, Afab Dan Heng, magic fleshlight, vaginal sex, cunnilingulus, big dick Ren, a little bit of pussy spanking, overstimulation, light dom/sub, rope bondage, two horny mfs, getting caught masturbating

AFAB language used for Dan Heng

——————————————

After the first time, Ren had decided to chuck the damn fleshlight into a box and hide it far away from his and boyfriend’s eyes. It was far too realistic and addicting to his liking and he refused to allow that thing to distract him from his boyfriend’s heavenly pussy. Nevermind the fact that this toy somehow knew how to imitate its behavior. Ren had practically memorised the way Dan Heng’s hole clung to him or reacted to different kinds of stimulation and he had even made sure to pay extra attention to it the next time they had fucked, yet still, the fleshlight did the same. He had sworn that if he ever were to pull it out for a fuck again, it wouldn’t be more than once a week and only if Dan Heng was gone and Ren missed him too much to resist.

Meanwhile Dan Heng thought he was growing insane with how frequently this phantom body (he had decided to consider it a body, given the fact it was always at least a pair of hands and a dick and they had to belong to something, right?) sought him out while he was out to fuck him dumb. It never happened at home, even during the week he called in sick and stayed at their apartment to work on his studies and cuddle his boyfriend. No, it always had to be when he was out, be it at work, university or whatever. He was starting to get used to the hygienic conditions in public restrooms, even the school bathrooms. What made the whole thing worse was that the ghost knew exactly how to rile him up and pound him, just like Ren always does. Dan Heng loved the sensation, surely, but he also loved Ren and only his boyfriend was allowed to touch him like that.

The next time he was waiting for the milk to heat up at the cafe and the thick, calloused fingers made their return, Dan Heng had enough. He quickly told Jing Yuan that he wasn’t feeling well again and would go home, which the man encouraged with a relieved smile, happy that Dan Heng, according to him, “finally took his health seriously”. Dan Heng himself didn’t have enough patience to witness his joy, as he hurried to yank his apron off and grabbed his belongings before rushing out of the cafe, while at the same time messily calling a cab. Usually it was just a fifteen minute walk to their apartment, but given the fact that the ghost took on average exactly as much time to fuck him dumb, that option wasn’t exactly ideal.

Such, he spent an awkward cap ride with his legs clenched together and the inside of his cheeks between his teeth to stop himself from moaning like a bitch, when he felt the all too familiar monster of a dick slide over his hole. In all fairness, it wasn’t much bigger or smaller than Ren’s cock, but that didn’t mean it was easy or not overwhelming to take.

By the time they had reached his apartment building as fast as possible, Dan Heng paid the dutiful driver and thanked him, before running away like he was chased by the hounds. The hounds being the dick that had started teasing his clit and spreading wetness around his pussy. Panting and with his face red as it could get, he rushed up the stairs fumbling with the keys on the way up. His strange antics earned him annoyed stares from his elderly neighbours, but Dan Heng had less fucks to give than he was currently being given by that damn phantom cock.

The second he threw the door open and slammed it shut behind himself though, the dick stilled as if Dan Heng had grabbed a ghost penis exorcism tool. He stood still for a while, feeling it simply rest against his pussy in a similarly tense manner in which he was leaning against the door.

… Fuck. Why was Dan Heng home? Ren thought, the icy reality of what kind of debauchery he was indulging in in his boyfriend’s absence crashing down on him. He held the fleshlight still, his lubed up cock touching the twitching pussy of the toy, as he listened to the sounds outside.

Nothing

“R-Ren?” Dan Heng called out. His voice was shaking and he was still panting from having rushed inside so hastily. The phantom dick at his pussy was still just resting there and he anxiously paid attention to the way it shifted minimally.

“Uhm, yes?” Ren answered hesitantly. Deciding his jerk-off session was ruined, he lifted the toy off of his dick quickly put the lid back on, before setting it down. “Are you okay? Shouldn’t you be at work?”

Huh. Dan Heng blinked, when the cock vanished just like that. He tried to feel around if there was any trace left, but there was nothing, just his sopping wet cunt all alone now. Which he found unfair, riling him up and then leaving the second he wasn’t in a public space anymore. Did the ghost have a public humiliation kink? “Well, yeah… I didn’t feel good. Are you in the bedroom?”

Absolutely great. Cursing under his breath, Ren tried to force himself to relax, he didn’t feel like getting caught shirtless with his dick rock-hard and a fleshlight next to him. It did not work at all, the shame, the excitement, the anticipation he had built up himself making sure his erection stood proud and tall in all its glory, far too large and thick to be stuffed into his underwear comfortably. “Yeah…”

“Good…” Dan Heng rubbed his temple, as he pushed the door to their shared bedroom open. “Cause I really need you to pound-“ The last words he had on his mind slipped away silently, when he met Ren’s equally red face, his tits, his abs and his huge cock out, as he sat on the bed with something akin to embarrassment on his face. “… Me… Was I interrupting something?” He raised an eyebrow at the scene.

“Well, no… Nothing important anyway.” Ren coughed awkwardly, stuffing his boner into his pants anyway, just for the sake of modesty, even though Dan Heng looked as flustered and horny as he felt. Noticing how weird the scene may look, he quickly added: “I swear I wasn’t cheating! You can check everything, the closet, under the bed, the...”

Dan Heng couldn’t possibly justify ripping Ren’s head off over cheating, if he was here regularly enjoying ghost cock in public. “Ugh, don’t worry, I believe…” He trailed off, when his gaze landed on the black tube on the bed. “Wait, where did you find this?” Snatching it up, he examined it, touching the lube-stained sides and turning it over. He caught a glimpse of the eerie sex shop’s logo and faintly remembered its equally creepy owner who sold the toy to him.

“On the shelf next to the TV. Did you buy that?” Ren came over wrapping his arms around Dan Heng and peering over his shoulder.

“I mean- Yeah, sorta.“ Dan Heng blinked, as he opened the tube and was greeted by the dripping wet pussy. He couldn’t quite remember it being so realistic and couldn’t resist touching it. At the same time, the ghost finger decided to return, poking his clit in a similar manner as Dan Heng himself poked the fake cunt’s clit. “Ah-!”

“Hengheng?” Upon feeling his boyfriend tense up and jolt, Ren perked up in alarm. The shame of Dan Heng discovering his masturbation escapades made him want to run away from the topic through any means possible.

“This…” Dan Heng narrowed his eyes at the tube and the pussy winking back at him suspiciously. Again he touched it, this time the labia, dragging his finger over it and lightly pressing against the bottom part of the hole. The phantom finger, which now coincidentally also felt smaller and less rough than before, did the same motion. “Ren…” Dan Heng slowly turned around to his boyfriend, turquoise eyes boring into wide crimson ones. “Did you fuck that thing?”

~/~

Ren was relieved. He had no need to feel guilty about cheating on Dan Heng or replacing him with a fleshlight, because it turns out the fleshlight was Dan Heng’s pussy and connected to him! Now that he and his partner had figured it out, he wasn’t surprised that it felt so good to be inside of it.

Dan Heng wasn’t exactly happy. At least the mystery of the ghost fucker was solved and he was at the very least glad it was just Ren playing with a sex toy. Ren also ending up fucking him via bluetooth in public and forcing him to jerk off in bathrooms was not cool. At least he had apologised and promised to not do it again, but Dan Heng had an uneasy feeling burning in his stomach, when he watched Ren pensively turn the fleshlight around in his hand. “So what-“

“I have an idea.”

Dan Heng flinched back, when his still shirtless, far larger boyfriend pushed him onto the bed and crowded him against the headrest. A shiver ran down his spine, when he looked up into his lover’s face, red eyes burning with lust and hunger and his lips pulled into a sadistic grin, as he leered down at Dan Heng. “R-Ren, what are you doing-?”

“You’re still horny, right?” Placing the fleshlight next to him, Ren gripped his thighs with both hands to spread them apart and massage them. His massive boner was still stretching the front of his pants and leaving a damp spot where the tip was trapped by the fabric.

“Well-“ Dan Heng averted his gaze, face flushing red, when his boyfriend’s hands travelled upwards until his thumbs were stroking his pussy through his pants. “What do you think…” He groaned a little, gripping Ren’s forearms tightly to keep his hands in place, as he ground his crotch up against his fingers. “You nearly fucked me in public again. Make up for it.”

“So awfully demanding…”, Ren hummed, freeing his wrists from Dan Heng’s grasp to slip his hands underneath his shirt and to shamelessly grope his lean, muscular torso.

“Ren…!” Arching his back to lean into the other’s touch, Dan Heng lifted his arms to allow Ren to pull his shirt off. The cold air hit his burning skin and caused him to shiver underneath Ren’s large palms which quickly moved on to strip him completely.

“And so wet already.” His palm rubbed over Dan Heng’s cunt, spreading the juices around, before giving it a good smack and causing the smaller man to whine in pleasure and pain. But before he could raise his hips to grind them against Ren’s hand, his boyfriend had pulled away and slid off the bed.

“Hey-! Come back!” Huffing, Dan Heng propped himself up on his elbows, cunt aching and expecting to get ravished today.

“Don’t you worry now, princess.” Ren bent down to rummage through a box underneath their bed. “I will indulge you, but…” Dan Heng’s eyes turned into saucers, when the other stood up again, holding a coil of red rope in his hands, the menacingly horny look in his eyes telling the other that today was going to be rough and so filthily good. “We’ll do it on my terms.”

Dan Heng’s throat bobbed, as he gulped and watched Ren creep over with the rope, uncurling it and putting one palm on Dan Heng’s chest to push him into a sitting position at the headrest.

“Ready?” He asked, inquisitively studying Dan Heng’s face. Despite the intensity of his burning red eyes, it gave the smaller man comfort, as it signalled him that his partner cared for him.

“Mhm-!” Dan Heng nodded, spreading his legs to let his boyfriend slide between them and tie his wrists together above his head. His turquoise eyes silently followed Ren who fetched two more lengths of rope which he used to tie his ankles to the bedposts, ensuring he kept them spread. By now, he was blushing even harder, as Ren leered at his exposed pussy, which was leaking and twitching at him invitingly.

“What a beautiful pussy you have~”, Ren hummed, as he stripped off his pants and laid down on the bed, absentmindedly stroking his cock and picking up the fleshlight. Dan Heng could do nothing but watch with wide, desperate eyes how his lover slowly unscrewed the lid and grinned at the replica of his very own cunt. “Mghhh~”

“Hahhh-!” Dan Heng whimpered, when Ren ran his tongue flat over the fake pussy. It felt exactly as if he had done it to Dan Heng himself. “R-Ren, please, anghh~ Hnghhh~!” A string of moans fell out of his mouth, as Ren started suckling on the toy’s clit, his own nub sending sparks of pleasure through his body.

“So wet and naughty…” Ren’s thumbs pushed the artificial hole open and Dan Heng whimpered at feeling his cunt being spread. He couldn’t help but feel jealousy burn in his throat at the way his boyfriend focused so intensely on the toy, licking and sucking at it as if it were the real thing.

“Ren, please…! Come over-!”, he begged, arms and legs futilely tugging at the rope, as he tried to scoot closer to his partner.

“Mm?” Placing a wet kiss on the clit, which caused Dan Heng’s cunt to twitch, Ren glanced over. “Greedy, huh? Doesn’t this feel good enough?” As if to drive his point home, he gently bit the clit, knowing full well Dan Heng would turn into a puddle from the mix of pleasure and pain.

“Hahhh~ Mghhh, w-want you here-!” Dan Heng tried to motion to the wide space between his legs. “Please-! Please fuck my cunt-! Not the toy…!”

“Hmm…” Stroking his big dick, Ren carefully placed the fleshlight down and thoughtfully assessed the mess that was his horny boyfriend. “Since you are already begging so sweetly~”

“Nghhh, Ren-! Sir-!” His legs twitched and shook, when the other rubbed his dick over his pussy, enjoying the wet glide over the swollen lips. “Please put it in…!”

“What a sweet, little slut you are~” After placing a gentle kiss on Dan Heng’s lips, Ren pressed the tip against his tight hole and thrusted inside.

“Ahhh, mghhh~” Dan Heng’s cunt clenched down on the hard flesh like a vice, as his eyes rolled back in ecstasy. Shameless moans spilled past his lips, when Ren started moving at a moderate pace, making sure to thrust in deeply and grind against every sensitive spot inside of him, before slowly pulling out and repeating the motion. “Feels good~!”

“How are you still so tight?” Ren groaned, speeding up his thrusts and putting more force behind them. “I just fingered and tongue-fucked you…” Feeling his tip hit something deep inside of his partner, he gave a few particularly harsh thrusts to slam his cock into it. “Seems like you don’t loosen up as easily as the toy does…”

Dan Heng only whimpered, throwing his head back and spreading his bound legs further as best as he could for Ren.

Suddenly, something wet and twitching touched his lips and when he instinctively opened his mouth, he tasted his partner’s saliva. “Mghh-!” He jolted, when something brushed against his clit and his eyes snapped open.

“Lick, Hengheng~”

The pressure on his pussy only intensified the mind-numbing effects of the pleasure Ren so expertly drove into him. It was only when he saw the devilish look in Ren’s eyes and the wicked grin on his face past a black cylinder, did he realise that he was mouthing the fleshlight.

“Come on, dearest~” The hand that wasn’t holding the fleshlight squeezed Dan Heng’s thigh harshly, the deep and harsh thrusts not losing their speed and power. “Be a good boy and lick~”

“Mfghhh-!” Dan Heng obediently opened his mouth, his body twitching, when the fleshlight was moved downwards, so he was tongueing its clit. At the same time, something wet flicked at his own and it took him a second to realise that it was his own tongue.

“Doesn’t this feel good?~”, Ren teased him, grinding the toy against Dan Heng’s mouth.

“M-Mhm-!” Dan Heng could barely focus on licking, as it sent overwhelming waves of pleasure through his body and with his boyfriend fucking him as deeply as he did, he came in no time. His orgasm crashed into him and shook his whole body in its ties, as he screamed into the toy’s cunt. His own pussy clenched down harshly on Ren’s still moving cock, as he squirted clear liquid all over the bed and his partner.

“Hahhh, ngrhhhh-! Almost, dearest-!” With a feral growl, Ren picked up the pace, slamming his thick cock into Dan Heng’s oversensitive hole. The screams and yells he punched out of his lover with his dick only added to the smaller man’s overstimulation, as he kept stimulating the fleshlight.

“R-Ren-! Ahhh~!” Dan Heng couldn’t think straight anymore, erotic moans freely fell from his mouth, as he was pounded into oblivion. His tongue was aching from the way the toy was pressing down on it and he reluctantly withdrew it to sloppily wrap his lips around the clit and suck on it.

This proved to be too much for his poor cunt, as he soon drove himself to another orgasm. This time, he only felt the beginning of it, as the mind-blowing force of it made his vision go black. Dan Heng distantly felt Ren’s big cock sink fully into him and spear him open to his limits, as he filled him with a huge load of cum. It felt good to be stuffed full and plugged up, but alas, all things had to end.

He awoke with an annoyed groan, as he felt Ren remove the fleshlight from his face and untie the rope around his wrists and ankles, before slowly pulling out. His sensitive walls clenched down on him, the drag from the languid motion hurts after two harsh orgasms in a row. With a whine he opened his eyes, blinking as he adjusted to the light and his partner’s face took shape in front of him.

“Are you okay, Dan Heng?”, Ren asked, pulling him into his embrace, his soft dick resting between their stomachs, as the two cuddled with each other.

“Mhm… Just…” Slowly and steadily, Dan Heng became aware of the excessive amounts of cum leaking out of his pussy and the slick juices staining Ren’s abdomen. “… You’re gross.”

In response, Ren only barked out an amused laugh. “Well, who made me this gross, huh?” Gently removing his partner from his embrace, he leaned over to grab a tissue and wipe Dan Heng’s pussy juices off his abs and pecs, before moving on to clean his leaking cum from his partner’s cunt.

“You started it… You wanted to fuck that thing.” Dan Heng pointed accusingly at the fleshlight next to them, the sun-kissed flesh glistening with spit.

“Right, right…” Discarding the dirty tissue, Ren thoughtfully picked it back up, absentmindedly putting arm around Dan Heng’s waist as he climbed onto his lap. “Steamy Oak… Is that the shop you got it from?”

“Mhm…” Dan Heng nodded, only now getting a clear view of the shop’s brand on the other end of the black cylinder.

“Huh… Never heard of that shop… Much less one that sells magic fleshlights…” Ren assessed the logo, running his thumb over it and scratching at it, as if it would reveal some kind of secret.

“I just stumbled on it by chance, cause it suddenly started raining…”, Dan Heng recounted, turning away from the toy to lay his head on his partner’s shoulder. He couldn’t even remember how it came to be, he just knew he accepted the merchant’s offer, filled out some papers on customisation, left and returned a week later to pick it up.

After a moment of comfortable silence, a thought occurred to him. “… Do you think they make magic dildos too?”

[cherrynwinesk]

do you have anymore nsfw headcanons for roier??

Roier Headcanon's

Story g: nsfw

Language: English/ Inglés

⚠️: sex

CC's: Roier

Reader g: Neutral reader

📝: All the content is fictitious and an attempt is made to adapt the PUBLIC personality of the cc's, that is, the personality that is shown in front of cameras, I do not know the true personality and any resemblance to reality is mere coincidence.

🍒: Hello, writing requests are always open, if you want something in particular, ask without fear. I clarify that English is not my main language, I apologize for any error and accept corrections to improve the quality of the content

Master List

•Roier goes to the gym, that means that his testosterone increases more and more

•What does that mean? That Roier would be desperate for some sex

•If you are in public and he feels horny he will tell you very secretly in your ear

•"Coming home can we have some quick sex?"

•He really likes to hug you from behind to press his body against yours

•"Mi amor, those pants you are wearing look very good on you"

•He is the type that likes to get into the shower with you and will suggest it to you several times

•"Let's save water"

•"I heard that sex in the shower is dangerous, but now I am willing to take the risk"

•He likes to see your body covered by drops of water

•See how the water slide down your back while you arch your spine because of the pleasure

•He also likes the lubrication of water, it is easier for him

•This mf almost knocked you to the ground sometimes

•He also likes that you ride him

•To be able to see your body, see the reactions you have while it is inside you

•It really turns him on knowing that you are arching that pretty back and making those fists because of his penis.

•He would be willing to use a vibrating ring

•In this way you would agree to ride it more frequently

•The ring also helps him a lot to cum

•As he approaches his orgasm his eyes would be wide open, looking at you completely.

•His eyebrows would be furrowed and his lips pursed.

•Grunting under his breath and letting out some "Ah!~ mi amor you move sooo good"

•On your waist would be the mark of his fingers, he would be so focused on how good you make him feel that he did not realize how much he squeezed your skin

[antarctite]

i replied to the todaysbird post ab that dumb ass “afabs not wanting to date trans women bcuz of penis trauma” anon with “afab people can be born with a penis or some other male -considered genitalia, afab is useless for this discussion” and some mf feels the need to say “and afabs can be trans too!” like yea thats not what im saying tho? and then they reply again when i reiterate what im saying (that some people assigned female at birth have penises not by choice) with “yea and trans men can get phalloplasty!”

hey. look me in the fuckin eye. if i talk ab how the use of agabs is shitty in a convo ab genital preferences, and how having a penis does not equal amab, and your response is “also theyre using afab wrong because (insert group of trans men who choose a way to have a penis)” YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT. WE SHOULD NOT BE ASSOCIATING AGABS WITH GENITALIA AT ALL!!!!! FOR INTERSEX AND TRANS PEOPLE!!!!!!

[scaly-freaks]

Literally every single headcanon idea for Feyd and the new oc, chose any you like I wanna know all of them

HMMM okay omg there were so many questions this is about to feel like HOMEWORK!!! Let me lay the ones I like out. I kinda weave my own canon in to fill out blanks from the OG canon material btw.

(i've decided to name her Eshal, it means 'flower of paradise' in Arabic and is only fitting considering the influences in Dune)

How did your muses meet?

Feyd-Rautha killed her father and dragged her by the hair back to his spaceship. Mhm. I wish I could make it more romantic. But I cannot. Eshal was on the verge of going through the spice agony when the Harkonnens arrived, and for some reason that is inexplicable to both her and her fellow sayyadina, she couldn't use the Voice even though she had the ability before. She hasn't been able to use it since she was brought onto Giedi Prime (though I guess shrieking with grief and rage as Feyd dragged her to the ship counts as a very hearty attempt).

2. How long have your muses known each other?

About two months since he took her.

3. What was the last gift your muses got for each other?

Well, you see, Feyd got her a music box. It had her mother's teeth in it. She does appreciate it, though she'd never tell him, and she definitely knows he didn't do it out of the goodness of his heart. He just wanted to break her spirit, but instead, it's the one thing keeping her from suicide because she focuses on the question: who will protect my mother's teeth if I'm gone? (Her father did it before her - she has no siblings)

4. Do your muses have a 'place' that's just for the two of them?

Yes, the dungeon.

5. Do your muses want children?

Feyd is like the Baron in the sense in that he has a great deal of disgust for the Bene Gesserit breeding program. However he is fascinated by them, and it's like 'penis envy' but in reverse (whatever that's called). I think if it came to it, he'd come round to the idea of an heir, though we better keep that little mf away from him if it's a boy because he's definitely the kind of father who'd be overly competitive with a son.

Eshal would rather cut out her own tongue than consider having a child outside of the breeding program (this may or may not change).

6. Do your muses want to get married?

No.

7. Do your muses have any pets together?

Feyd has his harpy pets. Eshal can share them I suppose.

8. What do your muses do for fun together?

One tortures the other. The other screams. And then occasionally pisses themselves and starts laughing deliriously.

9. Which one of your muses is more affectionate?

An anaconda is more affectionate than either of them.

10. Who's most likely to apologise first after an argument?

Argument? What argument?

11. What was your muses first impression of each other?

Feyd thought she was very pretty in the way a deer is very pretty just before you shoot and kill it. The deers on Giedi Prime have poison tongues though, so if one gets you just before you get it, it's over for both of you.

Eshal thought he was bald and barbaric as fuck. Her opinion hasn't changed.

12. What is one word that would describe your muses relation?

Demonic.

13. What is your muse's sex life like? How frequent? What are they into?

*awkward laugh* Not with each other...but uhhhh...well, I'm guessing since Eshal hasn't been admitted into any kind of Bene Gesserit breeding program yet, she's still a virgin (?) I don't know if they're allowed to have sex recreationally outside of their assigned penis-havers.

Feyd fucks. Like everyday. Doggy position is his favourite. He doesn't like eye contact until it's on his own terms, and he doesn't like any kind of intimacy that involves being reminded the person he's fucking is also a human being. Hence the doggy position where he doesn't have to see their face. I also headcanon that he's into CNC/Bloodplay/Asphyxiation/Humiliation/Degradation all that stuff, ya know? He's also massively into Fearplay. If you don't know what that is...get acquainted.

14. Do your muses have a 'song' that's just for them?

No, but I have some for them.

[warringwarrioridiot]

"They was asking for it"

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR?? A BIG FAT BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK OF THE SKULL AT FULL SPEED MAX ISTG

Mfs like this need to take a long walk off of a short cliff cus if I EVER catch them I'm gonna commit some good old fashion homicide.

If you say things like "You should've enjoyed it" or "at least you got some" I'm tracking your IP and shoving ten cacti in your anal hole and/or vagina.

"game is game 🤪"

You need to shut your ketchup stain, Junkrat main, micro brain, aluminium chain, ankle sprain, CHOCOLATE RAIIIIN, with your runny nose dirty toes lick hobos cOwAbUnGa BrOs, Dude, I want you to look at your entire life. All your life choices. And tell me when you had an original idea in your brain. Your ass got kicked out and disowned and you started aggressively tapping the home button on your IPhone "Oh, help. Why is it not working?". YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS LIKE A NARUTO FILLER EPISODE, MY BOY! YOUR PRANKS ARE AS REPETITIVE AS THE AD "Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper" YOUR BRAIN IS JUST AS REAL AS THE LOVE YOUR PARENTS HAVE FOR YOU! YOUR GRANDMA GAVE BLING BLING BOY A LAP DANCE FOR PAY DAY. Wait hold on! *Punch punch punch* GIVE ME THE MONEY YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST ROBBED YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST HIT A LICK ON YOUR GRANDMA, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! SHE POOR AS HELL NOW! YOU PUT A BALLOON ON YOUR HEAD AND THOUGHT IT WAS A DURAG! YOU LIKE RONALD MCDONALD FROM OHIO! "HEYA KID! YOU WANT A BIG MAC?!" WHEN YOU WALK DOWNSTAIRS YOUR WHOLE HOUSE STARTS RUMBLING! YOU BRING THE POWER OF EREN YEAGER AND 37 COLOSSAL TITANS DOWN YOUR STAIRCASE! AFTER YOU EAT DINNER YOU EAT THE PLATE AND THEN YOU EAT THE TABLE AS WELL! CHOMP CHOMP! YOU RENT OUT THE GAP BETWEEN YOU TEETH AS A PARKING SPACE FOR ANTS! YOU LOOK EMO ASF "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! SUFFOCATION! NO BREATHING!" LOOK AT YOUR NOSE YOU HAVE TWO MARIO PIPES COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD! YAHOO! LET'S A GO! THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO FINDING NEMO BASED OFF YOUR ASS CALLED "LOCATING CHROMOSOMES! IN THEATRES THIS JULY!" YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A RAT LIVING UNDER YOUR BED IN A PRINGLES CAN! YOU POSTED AN INSTAGRAM STORY ABOUT A JAMAICAN CRICKET GIVING YOU A LAP DANCE IN THE BACK OF TOYS R US! YOU TORTURED AN ANT BY TYING HIM TO YOUR BUTTHOLE AND FARTING ON HIM! I HAVE MORE ROASTS YOU KNOW! YOUR GRANDMA IS A DARK SOULS BOSS CALLED "THE WRINKLE!

EW NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE IS NO WAY! THAT THIS... OLD ASS FART WRINKLE IS TALKING TO ME IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER. YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA SAD YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE A GRANDPA NOW BUT INSTEAD OF ADVANCING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHAIN YOU'VE INSTEAD SPENT YOUR DAYS ALONE IN YOUR ROOM READING HITLER MANIFESTOS AND COSPLAYING AS A FUCKIN' NEO NAZI. SO MANY YEARS AND SUCH LITTLE ADVANCEMENT. No seriously! Seriously I find it amusing THAT YOUR PENCIL PENIS DONKEY KONG BARREL BUILT LOOKIN' ASS WOULD ASSUME THAT I EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT A SINGLE ONE. NO NO NO FUCK THAT. A SINGLE SYLLABLE OF THE VERBAL DIARRHEA GARGLE THAT'S COMING OUT OF THE DUSTY SARLAC PIT YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY FACE?? YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKIN' FACE??? BITCH SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' HAIRLINE CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW DRESSED UP AS A GOD DAMN DIABOLICAL BOY SCOUT. NAH LOOK AT THEM TEETH. BOY YOUR TEETH IN CREATIVE MODE. HELL NAH BOY STOP PLAYING YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. BRO THEY GOT FOSSIL RECORDS FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR FAT ROLLS. NAH STOP PLAYING WITH ME BOY I CAN'T TAKE YO ASS SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU DRESS UP LIKE A GODDAMN MEDIEVAL TERRORIST. BRO IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP HIS OLD FOLKS HOME WITH A CROSSBOW AND A FUCKING TREBUCHET. YA YEET DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM! SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP. WHAT THE FUCK? A HE AHHH EEEEE SHUT UP BITCH. YOU WANT ME TO TURN ON MY CAMERA? YO DICK BUILT LIKE A INVERTED BANANA. YO FOREHEAD CRACKED UP LIKE THE AFRICAN SAVANNAH. I CAUGHT YOU AND YO SISTER BUTT NAKED LAST NIGHT. SWEET HOME ALABAMA. FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? WHAT IS YOU WEARING WITH YO GODDAMN HONEY WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT? NAH BOY LOOK AT YO ROOM, YO HOUSE DIRTY AS HELL. YOU GOT FOUR SEWER RATS IN YO BATH TUB RIGHT NOW FLOATING ON TOP OF A PIZZA BOX SINGING. "YO HO THIEVES AND BEGGARS". LIKE SHIT, BOY I CAUGHT YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION WITH YO TOE NAIL LAST NIGHT. WE COULD'VE BEEN SUPER STARS REMEMBER WHEN WE AS JACKING CARS. YOU AND YO TOE NAIL WAS GOING TO BE THE DYNAMIC DUO. BITCH YOU WAS GONNA BE IN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING BOOMERANG. SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP. BRUH I CAUGHT YOU JACK SPARROW RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOUR DAD WAS TRYING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TOILET PLUNGER LAST NIGHT. COME HERE BOY! SHUT YO ASS UP. BITCH EVERYTIME YOU TAKE A SHIT THE GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG STARTS PLAMMERING IN YO HOUSE.BUM BUA BUM BUDUM BUM. SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP BRUH.

Are you getting mad?

Are you getting mad?

DAMN You getting mad now! Cuz yo Legal name is Ledenhouser Strogenberg. Nah don't be Smiling now boy You ain't slick Boy! I caught you in the locker room after gym class Frantically wiping yo armpits down With a kleenex While tryna smell good For the girls In the hallway. OI ZOINKS! I GOTTA- I GOTTA HURRY UP. SHUT YO ASS UP YOU LIKE A DIABETIC TOASTER STRUDEL. YOU UGLY AHH AS HELL. YOU GOT THEM BIG ASS HUMPTY DUMPTY PANTS ON BRUH. YOU USE A FRUIT ROLL UP AS A BELT TO HOLD UP YO BUNG DU BUNGLA. Shut yo ugly Ass up You got Mineral deposits In your Belly button. You dumb As hell You thought Google drive Was a brand new Taxi service. Bitch yo Grandma Threw a Rage spell On the kitchen floor And started Smacking you with A weiner schnitzel. Shut yo ass up You a Diabolical Special needs Student. Boy you was In the back of a Short bus Maniacally Planning How you was gonna Take over Your school.HMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHH It will be MINE! Shut yo Ass up, Boy I caught you Butt Naked Playing gorilla tag With a mouse in your Kitchen. Yo ass Be sliding around The counters Like a paraplegic Frozone. Gotta Catch 'em ALL! Shut yo ass up With yo "I got a feeling Ooooooooo!" Everytime yo Grandpa Tickles yo Butthole. Shut yo Stupid ass up You thought the One chip challenge Was sticking a Hot cheeto Up your buttcrack. Ok! Here we go Everybody! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shut yo Dirty ass up Get yo ass on bruh.

It's actually so fucking sad these people still exist in 2024.

Istg misogynists and forced birth extremists and rapists are the most atrociously ugliest love-lacking idiots.

Image ref:

I rest my fucking case, your honor. Kill every single one of these people before I do it myself.

[da-gamingojichan]

Dick/Pussy Headcanons dropping when?

i wont lie guys i dont really know the variety of how genitalia can be different very well..... the most ive learned is when i went online and saw someone made a caard about their headcanons for the matusno brothers which included very detailed descriptions of each of their dicks (how i learned penises irl can have different amounts of curve) and their mental illness hcs (how i learned narcassism counts as a mental illness) and a bunch of other shit. but i have a little bit of headcanon for the characters i think a lot about

- germany has a penis that leans on the larger side and its terrible because he is never using it. its kinda ugly idk how because all genitals are ugly but he somehow has an ugly penis compared to other penises because germany is meant to be ugly to his core. it also turns super red like uncomfortably red (bright cherry red iphone 3) because i think he gets red really easily since hes freakishly pale. also his penis is abnormally sensitive but he doesnt know this because the only person to touch it is italy and italy has sex skills gifted by the lord so hes blessed because if anyone else gave him a handjob or blowie hed be like OWWW IT HURTS STAWP STAWP TOO HARD!!!!!

- italy has the most amazing awesomesauce pussy fucking ever. his pussy and strap on skills induce the same level of peace and prosperity as the shit those monks that live on the tops of mountains are aiming for. he literally has a talent thats gifted by god and it is in fact RIGHTEOUS of him to be banging bitches left and right because he needs to share his divine gift to the world. and thats why its fucking hilarious that hes wasting all this raw talent and perfect sex on hetalia "premature ejaculation king" germany. the mf that literally cant recieve a blow job without overstim because he always finishes before his penis makes contact with le mouf. germany would literally like anything from italy and italy is the sex god thats been cutrently saving our world from the nymphojinn. italy is the real life huniepop protagonist and hes retired to never have sex ever because his boyfriend is fucking scared and when he does its over with in 2 minutes.

- japan has a small penis. japanese men grower not show-er! i believe that japan wants to top but he never will because he cant be deadass enough to assert himself and say he wants to. also because if he tops the ship name has to have jap in it (IM JAPANESE I CAN SAY THE SLUR) and i think thats awesome and hilarious but people dont like that so hes banned from semeing forever because its racist. but i believe in his head he is a total kinky otaku sex freak who wants to seme so bad and use a jillion million sex toys you didnt even know could exist.

- prussia also has a slightly below average penis and hes very very very very very embarassed about it he will never admit its small he goes NO ITS GREAT AND MIGHTY OKAY. he calls his dick his "beautiful gleaming white saber of justice" sometimes and everybody fucking hates it. also its really sensitive so hes really picky about head and it pisses romano off because romano can tell when hes faking being comfortable (but it also would piss him off if prussia said his head wasnt good enough) and because of that he gives prussia head everytime they bang and its painful and prussia dreads it everytime and is like hahaha you dont have to if you dont want to... and romanos like "SHUT the fuck up and lay down you ungrateful piece of shit" but slowly he actually gets really fucking good and prussia likes it because hes refined his craft but now because prussia likes it romano stops and only gives head when prussia begs and pleads because giving head is disgusting.

- romano has a pretty good penis like idk what makes a penis pretty good. but its pretty good trust me on this guys its nothin to scoff at the ladies would love it if romano got any ladies (never ever). its regarded as a handsome penis i think like wow thats pretty good! its pretty average sized, maybe on the smaller end of the spectrum and that makes romano mad and incredibly insecure even though it doesnt really matter since romano is actually just a grower not a show-er. but yeah its good.

- benson regular show has a 6/10 gumhole.

[ruigoose]

I don’t understand how it’s possible, but I simp for a gray penis man named after a moon of Mars from a 20 year old cartoon. What quarantine does to a mf.

[savepc2023]

You asked for crumbs of my boyo, time for me to ask back. CAN WE GET SOME BACKSTORY OR FUN FACTS ON BRYNN? This odd pretty boy. I need to know him.

Also, for funsies. Which one of your PCs do you think would most likely end up in prison? Which one would most likely get kidnapped? Which one would most likely become a parent (becoming a parental figure works too)?

Most likely to end up in prison:

.. Angel😮‍💨 She mostly stays away from stealing people's stuff(unless they were trying to rape him, then they don't feel bad anymore and just steal everything they can), but he'd most likely go to prison because of.............drum roll pls............✨violence✨. Angel is a rather emotional character, unlike my other PCs. She sees something wrong being done and he will step in, and to a much higher degree.....beat the shit out of you.

They're lucky she hasn't gone to prison yet.

Most likely to get kidnapped:

Brynn. Now Angel's the one to get canonically kidnapped, but if we push that aside then Brynn. He's famous. Really famous. And really pretty, too. So here's the thing, his fame as a model outweighs his sex fame, but even the model photoshoots are mostly lewd so like.yeah. so for other folk in the town, it's like bumping into your favourite porn star in the streets or smth while rumours that they'll suck you off if you give them a 100 are drifting in the air.💀💀💀 Some sick mf might be a 'fan' or smth and want to keep him to themself. And unlike Caelan(huge body type + can smack you reall hard) and Angel(will beat your ass and steal your belt), Brynn is very physically weak. So it would be an easy kidnapping, too.

Most likely to become a parental figure:

First I was thinking Caelan but then I was like nah that's too obvious, then I thought Angel. But Angel has more of a big sibling aura so we're going with Caelan. They're really calm, collected and mature. And most importantly: they scare off potential creeps with just a glare. It'd be comforting for the other orphans to have someone like that with them, it's almost like they have a nice Bailey that won't sell them at the drop of a hat. They also give good advice and hugs, so. Catch them wrapping up presents for every orphan three months before Christmas.

Now for more stuff about Brynn:

Sometimes he does stuff only for the aesthetic. Like he pretends he looooooooooooves strawberries but he actually hates how tart they are. He feels the need to keep up the 'UwU femboy' image

He wants to dye his hair at some point. He's asked Niki about it before during a shoot but Niki just went 'do whatever you want'

On the topic of Niki, Brynn probably talks to him the most. Well he's the person he says the most words to in a row. Normally Brynn likes to keep himself busy in stuff, and even if he isn't he's fidgeting with his sleeves. Can't do any of that for three whole hours while on the job so. He just asks Niki random shit and Niki responds either with a hum or a short sentence.

He's thought about using kaomojis during text, they're cute and stuff. But he has no patience for that so no kaomojis😔 he's dry af btw.

But you know what's not dry?........THAT PENI-

Brynn's been fucking in the streets in exchange for money for a long time. Way before the in game stuff happens. Yk how when you first walk out of the orphanage you're immediately attacked then a rando gives you a pepper spray? Yeah that was the day he decided he wanted to dress up a bit. He's always been more attracted to feminine stuff but too shy to go through with it. So yeah, he got out in a skirt and he... Made more money with it. Like judt in general the money he was being paid increased. So he went lol profit and kept doing it. But....he really didn't like it when they called him a girl and then were surprised when he had a pp and maybe even degraded him for it. So now he avoids doing anything to his face or hair, so he's like. Evidently a boy in a dress/skirt.

Another orphan works at the brothel, and told Brynn that he could earn more by working there too. Brynn didn't think for even a moment, he refused instant lmao. The work environment there and the lack of security is gonna scare him off.

He likes bananas

[scoliosisrick]

HELP I FUCKING BROKE THE SCOLIOSIS RICK AI, ITS ONLY BEEN LIKE 20 MINUTES

WHAT SHAPESHIFTING PENIS DOES TO A MF

[miaumeiw]

heeheeeheeeee Silas character sheet

● Often says that he is fine (OBVIOUSLY ISNT) or that the blood on his hands is just "forbidden ketchup"

● Very unserious, immature, and stupid when he wants to be (most of the time)

● Only gets serious when his loved ones are in danger or himself

● Pretends to be fine around others just to collapse the moment they leave

● Finds comfort in items from his loved ones, (clothes, pins, etc.)

● Used to play a bit of guitar but forgot how

● He can kind of cry on command, he just has to think about how his loved ones felt when he left them

● His favorite thing is probably some stupid mobile game that he keeps to himself

● Responds to "Bird Boy" or "shithead" on occasion (silly old oc design refrence)

● Absolutely hates Kenny but doesn't mind him much because he keeps Milo safe

● Only says "I love you" to the people he feels actually deserve it

● A total bitch to most other people and only allows certain people to touch him

● One moment he'll be listening to Lights Out by Mindless Self Indulgence and then the next he'll be listening to Castaways by The Backyardigans

● LOVES to rant about his special interests (dinosaurs, bugs, sharks, and ESPECIALLY space)

● If some random person was pretending to be him, just ask what his favorite thing about his boyfriend is. He WILL start ranting about how wonderful and amazing his boyfriend is

● As stated earlier, he is VERY immature. Laughs anytime someone says penis.

● Very good at hiding his emotions. VERY.

● He's a bit scared of fire so he'll just blow on a candle aggressively and go hide.

● He's a very lively person around others but when he's alone he recoils into his mind and just thinks. Best to snap him out of it before he goes on a murderous rampage.

● Likes to talk about the silly "brainworms" that he has. (Secretly just him splitting up his personalities in his head.)

● Often wonders things about the vessel he got thrown in (lore, will explain later) since it

has most of his old features.

● Absolutely LOVES his boyfriend 100%. Dude will do anything for that mf. Even if it means murder.

● At any given chance they will fight with Kenny. Doesn't matter where.

● Messiest eater you will ever meet.

● DEADLY AFRAID OF MICROWAVES.

● Feels guilty about hurting Milo a few times even tho he (Milo) doesn't remember

● He LOVES white chocolate macadamia nut cookies.

● He knows a lot of those random facts that you just remember sometimes. Most commonly related to his interests.

● Would probably break down if he was fired, even though his boss wouldn't fire him. (She's too nice)

● Once gifted a blade of grass by Axel (his not really friend friend) and ate it.

● Usually gets things he wants through being persuaded or he'll get it by force.

● If you don't believe him, he'll probably shrug it off. Can't do much to change what you think.

● Doesn't feel bad about doing anything regarded to his work but does get a bit sad when

he accidentally hurts people he's close to.

● Almost got caught stealing from a candy store once.

● If he doesn't like you he would most likely be passive aggressive and when nobody is looking he'd call you insults.

● Very affectionate if he likes you. (hugs, handshakes, highfives, fistbumps, etc.)

● Once put cheese in a toaster. Never again.

● Definitely doesn't watch Milo while he sleeps. (he does)

● Really good at random tricks alone but when he tries to show someone he fails miserably. (stopped when someone got a concussion)

● Prefers to stay inside and not at social gatherings.

● If you shake his hand loosely and he barely likes you, he'll grip your hand and shake it tighter. If he likes you enough to be friends, he'll ask if you're alright.

● Picked up random mannerisms of animals. (He watched too much discovery channel as a kid)

● Definitely would hold a TED Talk about "Why it's okay to break into Milo's house"

● Doesn't get things like "Its raining cats and dogs" because idioms are scary.

● Could probably learn French if he wanted to.

● Talks a lot but if you have something more important to say he will gladly listen.

● Forgot about Erin but Erin remembers him well. (With or without the new vessel)

● Down to do anything (except follow the law)

● Immediate response to anything is to fight. Used to be flight.

● Epic music taste??? But it's all over the place.

● Bird person. No cats. No dogs. No lizards. BIRDS.

• Didn't enjoy killing people, but A, he got used to it, and B, his boss pays big bucks >:3

[sun-3-160]

What penis envy does to a mf