#what if it never gets better

[chasing-rabbits]

I’ve spent my 20’s trying to get better. Early on I had hope so so much hope. I tried each new medication and as each one didn’t work my hope dwindled but I tried to remain as positive as I could because it takes time and finding the right treatment isn’t easy it can take years. But I’m approaching 30 and the medication I thought was working actually wasn’t and it was just my ‘natural cycle’ for my Bipolar and now the Bipolar mania and depression has come back. The worst part is that I have run out of medications. They can try a combination of meds to add to my Lamotrogine but if they can’t find a combo and if the increase in my Lamotrogine doesn’t help with my bipolar depression then my only and last option is Lithium. I asked and he said I have literally run through everything there is. And sure it often requires more than one medication like Lamotrigine doesn’t help mania but should help my depression and he’s given me the name of a med I can try for my mania it doesn’t prevent it but helps reduce the symptoms of my manic episodes hopefully to something more manageable and less destructive. But the thing is it doesn’t stop there because that still leaves my BPD, CPTSD, Panic Disorder and GAD. I just started therapy earlier this year to do EMDR which should help the CPTSD and BPD idk about the rest. He said usually they treat the anxiety with anti depressants but I cannot go on those due to my Bipolar. I’ve spent my 20’s trying to find something to help managed my Bipolar and it feels like at this point I could spend my entire life just trying to not feel the pain the depression of my illnesses. Who wants to spend their entire life trying to fix the pain and never getting to the point where they have, where they’ve got to a point that it no longer hurts so much that I can live my life where it’s just a background noise that I have the skills and medication to manage it. What is the point in living if it’s just going to be a battle with myself that I never really win?

[cowboysmp3]

there’s something sooo sickening about how dunmeshis whole energy is like sometimes something terrible and awful happens to you and it changes you forever and nothing can make you the person you were before but there’s still love and there’s still sharing a meal together and there’s still living

[chloesimaginationthings]

Vanessa made her suit for the FNAF mimic..

[newttxt]

crisis of disbelief

[cozylittleartblog]

Columbo and the Knight (1984)

put me in the universe where Columbo ran through the 1980s and had a crossover episode with Knight Rider. I think they deserved it, and I am not just saying that because they're my two favorite Old Shows. @telebeast wrote a little fanfic blurb about it and I HAD to visualize it into a comic (which is also the longest comic I have finished thus far at five pages...), so writing credit goes to them.

Autism W!

[hinamie]

*catboys ur shounen protag*

[egophiliac]

Malleus' bday is coming up, thoughts on what his sleepwear might be?

anticipating that reveal any time now, so gotta get my predictions in real quick (aka extremely fast drawings) (I'm sorry)

[inkskinned]

"don't make it political!" .... what proportion of death and suffering must occur before politics are involved. if this isn't political, what is even the point of any politics, ever. of democracy. the words are "by the people for the people." if i am going to be left alone by my elected representatives to "figure it out" - to undergo damage, hardship, fear. what the fuck did i elect them for. what was their job. the entire point is that they handle this shit. this is why we were supposed to be electing leaders.

poverty is political. misogyny is political. gun control is political. climate change is political. how much aid a community gets is political. what the fuck are you talking about. it's been political this whole fucking time.

[llamahearted]

two people will go through similar things & learn to cope in different ways

print ♥︎ song

[choccy-milky]

MC doing what we all wished we could do (aka napping on the floor with ominis )😴💕

[ruthytwoshakes]

happy pride everybody, hope you had a good one! And I hope everybody's excited for disability pride month this July :)

We can't forget our friends and family in Palestine during the celebrations. There is no Pride in Occupation. And happy pride to our family in Palestine, we won't forget about you. Stay strong and fight like hell. I love you.

donate to the fundraiser below and join your local Palestine solidarity group. Hani Al-Sharif, his wife, and five children need to evacuate. They are very far from their goal. Any amount helps.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji goes to Lotus Pier (No relation to the AU of the same name)

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[mushroom-kin]

Sunset at Windrise - A study with original additions

[tubbytarchia]

I don't mean to post/spoil everything for the WIP animatic but mmgrr I like these shots...

[hajihiko]

'Strong opinions about femininity and masculinity' moment

[vaguely-concerned]

thinking about not only the specific people lucanis pulls in to represent the 'locks' in his psyche, but the storytelling that happens in the structure/order of them. the underlying ideas are presented something like:

the lucanis who went into the ossuary never came back out again; he died down there (the boy caterina raised is gone forever) -> you're putting yourself in danger doing this (by being close to me), you should leave because I can't bear it if you get hurt because of me -> it doesn't matter even if we do try this, it won't work anyway (again because of me) ('you know what he's like, you can open the door but he won't walk through it' :'( oofie doofie) -> what if the real secret is that there was never anything but the monster in here from the beginning. you should leave, there was never anything here worth saving in the first place. (implicitly: what if I deserved what happened, all along.)

it runs pretty cleanly from outward-oriented attachment anxiety ('caterina won't even want me back like this, she won't recognize me (the same way I no longer recognize myself)) and gradually deeper inwards until we reach self-image and self worth. or you know, the harrowing basic lack of it lol.

"careful -- they'll know we're not right," spite says in one of their first scenes... but clearly, some very deep part of lucanis has feared or suspected for much longer than that that there's something inherently not right at the core of him, way before any demon entered the picture. and the voice he gives those lines to is the person who should know him better than anyone in the world, who he has loved more than anyone in the world -- and who deliberately chose to hurt him so horrifically anyway. 'It's better if I'm just a monster and deserved what happened than it is to allow for the idea that the brother I love doesn't really exist and maybe never did'. it's better if he's fundamentally flawed in some way that needed fixing to help him survive, and that's why caterina chose to hurt him again and again -- out of love. (this one I think he might have a very sad wakeup call on one day if he ever ends up with the responsibility and care of a child of his own in some way and realizes just how alien the idea of ever intentionally hurting them for any reason is to him. oh buddy. also interesting that he keeps caterina as the outermost lock -- there IS a distance he keeps there that he hasn't with illario. he doesn't resent her 'anymore' he says, but he also keeps her carefully further away from his deepest self.)

as far as I could tell the only note in the mind prison that's fully hidden and needs to be uncovered is the sad painful helpless stupid little truth that even after all this, even knowing what happened... he still loves his brother. is there anything illario could ever do that would make lucanis completely stop loving him, do you think? sometimes the trouble with unconditional love is that it is, well. unconditional, even when some terms and conditions probably would have been in order haha.

that's the pattern you see there again and again; he would rather destroy and abandon and imprison himself at every turn than let go of love, even when it's just scraps, even when there's only ever enough of it to hurt him. it's only when rook shows up and as it were takes his hand and walks along with him that he can entertain the idea of changing the story of what walking out the door might mean in the end.