#what if all the life had the same value as all the life that bleeds and empathizes and waits for you to come home each day

[locuas642]

Dandadan and the Roof

(CW, mentions of suicide)

Okay so, I have seen people commenting on how Dandadan Episode 7 (A Kinder world) changed the scene to make it a lot more subtle that Acro Silky commited suicide by jumping off a rooftop. Particularly talking about how this might have left anime-onlies confused or did not quite fit how it looks in the manga, where it is a lot more clear.

First of all, I tihnk it's important to acknowledge the obvious. And other people are in agreement that, first of all, it just wasn't gonna happen that japanese TV censors would allow Science Saru to make it explicit she had commited suicide. This is not even a Japan thing, all countries have guidelines or a general rule for what is and isn't ok to show on television. The US has them and they have guidelines about how to portray suicide.

this is because there are things that are fine to show in one medium, but which would be controversial to show on another. For example, in the book Alive, which chronicles the rugbier team that crashed in Los Andes, there is a particularly haunting part of the book that goes into detail how the survivors were forced to commit cannibalism in order to survive, the most famous part of the real event. It's haunting, nauseating, horrifying and what real people were forced to do for them to survive and which the book chronicles not for shock value but to tell an accurate picture of what the survivors went through.

it's also something that no movie could actually explore in as much detail without having to be cursed with carrying the highest of ratings. And the truth is, there are things that are easier to swallow, to experience, to process, by reading about it than in watching a movie.

that is to say, what is OK for Manga to show (and this can vary depending of the magazine) may also happen to be very hard or even impossible to get the approval to show in an anime or live-action. and it's important to acknowledge this fact before going any further: for Science Saru to acomplish the hard task of keeping the scene but leaving it ambiguous enough to please the censors? that is something to be praised. And I talked with someone and we both agree, I suspect Science Saru might have, at some point, seriously considered changing it to her bleeding out on the street, given the focus we got on the blood, which was non-existent in the original scene.

With that said. I also think this is the version of the scene that best takes advantage of the strenghts of it's medium of animation.

I am of the opinion that any anime adaptation that tries to do a 1:1 copy of the manga, to recreate panels exactly or which keeps every single narration box is a bad adaptation. This is because they become slow, scenes become awkward and characters become weirdly static in a way they aren't in the manga.

But manga (and comics in general) is the art of telling a story through static images, while animation is the art of telling a story through movement. it's to use motion and music to create a feeling in the same way manga creates striking images to convey a specific feeling.

And that's what Dandadan did. it used motion, movement, music, it's ability to give life to images, to make this family of two feel more alive. they extended their scenes, because Animation allows them to show more and drive it home how alive they were.

And by this same token, they extended the scene in the rooftop to create this dreamlike sequence that leaves the unaware viewer trying to guess what is going on, to try to process the scene and understand it. to dare them to understand it and guess what happened. Using it's limited time as a strenght by finishing it and leaving the audience to think the answer for themselves.

And in all honesty? it's fine if people don't immediatly guess what happened, that they have to re-watch and and process it and think and feel. Or even be told. It is not a failing of the episode, but an invitation for the viewer to try to understand it, to grasp it's meaning.

It's what makes it richer than just trying to be 1:1.

[daisies-on-a-cup]

When he lifted the toad out he felt its peculiar coolness; in his hands its body seemed dry and wrinkled — almost flabby — and as cold as if it had taken up residence in a grotto miles under the earth away from the sun. Now the toad squirmed; with its weak hind feet it tried to pry itself from his grip, wanting, instinctively, to go flopping off. A big one, he thought; full-grown and wise. Capable, in its own fashion, of surviving even that which we're not really managing to survive. I wonder where it finds the water for its eggs. So this is what Mercer sees, he thought as he painstakingly tied the cardboard box shut— tied it again and again. Life which we can no longer distinguish; life carefully buried up to its forehead in the carcass of a dead world. In every cinder of the universe Mercer probably perceives inconspicuous life. Now I know, he thought. And once having seen through Mercer's eyes I probably will never stop.

~ Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, by Phillip K. Dick

[bubbles-for-all-of-us]

We bleed together

a/n you want pain!? I'll give you pain. The person who requested this is responsible for the damage.

summary: what if the last day of humanity was different? What if instead of loosing Sarah, Joel lost you - the mother of his two children and the person who had built him up to a better man.

warnings: car crash, blood, injuries, wounds, death ahh I would say medium emotional damage

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"And then one more", you spun around, making the baby giggle in your hands, "And one more", you twirled around, smiling to yourself as yet another giggle filled the still-empty kitchen. Emma was one giddy baby. For a five-month-old, she was extremely alert, her curiosity driving her to look around as much as she could. If only her body was strong enough, she would be crawling around day and night. Following Sarah around or any of you for that instant. Sarah barely left her side. You were worried at first about her reaction. Sure, you had been there almost from the start, helping Joel take care of her, and she was like your own daughter, but still. You had plenty of conversations about her biological mother. You understood her desire to know. To ask questions. To understand.

"She didn't want me, right? I was the problem", you were halfway through your pregnancy when this conversation surfaced again. Putting down the baby sweater that you were just folding, you motioned for Sarah to come in. She had become more avoidant once you started showing. The reality started to kick in, and it pained her that the baby was going to have a real and normal family.

"You were never the problem, my beam of light", you cupped her face lovingly, whipping away some of the tears that had started rolling down Sarah's cheeks. "But… she didn't love me like you love your baby", "Oh, Sarah", you pulled her closer to your chest, "I've loved you from the moment I saw you kicking around in that makeshift crib your dad had going on". Running your hand through Sarah's curls, you made her turn to you. "You've been my special girl since then. I love you and the baby the same. There are no differences to me between you two. Sure, you and I don't share DNA, but, like, who cares about that?", she shrugged her shoulders. Biting her lip as she tried to stop the tears. "You promise you won't leave?", Sarah crocked out, big brown eyes searching yours. It broke your heart so much, but you understood her. Her fear of losing a mother figure. Her dad needing to go through this alone again. You took both of her hands in yours, squeezing them, "I would never dream of it; you are my world".

Joel couldn't help the smile that spread across his face, especially once the baby caught sight of her father in the archway, kicking her little legs happily. The sudden burst of excitement made you turn your head to the side, "Ah, so dad is the one you get all happy for, huh", You nuzzled your face into Emma's neck, leaving endless amounts of kisses there and making her squeal happily. "She's a daddy's girl, aren't you?", Joel walked closer to you, hand reaching instantly for the smallest Miller. Emma's babbles filled the kitchen as she told her dad all the stories she could. "Honestly, rude. When both of our kids are like that", "Maybe I'm just more awesome", you let out a fake gasp, your hand coming up your chest. Joel smirked before giggling to himself. "No, sir, soon you'll be going to work without birthday sandwiches", you warned him, and Joel instantly lifted his free hand in the air defensively.

It felt surreal this morning for some reason. Joel had laid in bed awake for some time just thinking. Thinking about Sarah's mother. Thinking about you. About how his life had shifted once you stepped in. How much he valued the love you gave Sarah. How much he valued you going through a tough pregnancy to bring another baby girl into this world. Joel wondered if you knew. Knew how much he loved you. It wasn't just love. It was his whole existence. You were his rock, as he was yours. But he knew, Joel was convinced, that it was all thanks to you that he found purpose in life again.

"We can't have mommy mad", Joel mumbled to Emma, ticking her stomach. He moved closer to you while you were cutting up the vegetables. Leaning in to press a kiss on your shoulder, then another. Before a whole line of kisses was drawn from your shoulder up to your temple. You giggled, loving the slight tickle of Joel's beard against your skin. "I love you so much", Joel muttered, bringing you closer to his chest as his hand sneaked around your waist. You leaned back into him smiling, "Not as much as I love you, birthday boy", you cupped his cheeks, moving into Joel's embrace so you could place your lips on his. "The best mama ever", he muttered in between kisses, "And best wife to be", those words made your heart flutter a little. God, you loved this man, and you couldn't wait to be a Miller soon. You deepened the kiss just a little.

"Seriously? In front of a baby?", Sarah's voice made you two tear apart quickly. "You're officially out of the age to say ew when your parents kiss", Joel chirped, turning to his older daughter, who was rolling her eyes. "Yeah, but Em isn't, so don't be disgusting, right Em?", Sarah reached for her sister, whom Joel had carefully placed in her little high chair. Her little fist tightened and wrapped around Sarah's finger. You place the plates with food on the table.

"Tommy?", you ask, but Joel shrugged his shoulders. "Probably left early," strange, you thought to yourself as you slipped into the chair next to everyone. "So, how old are you again?", Sarah asked, mouth full of food. "Thirty-six", the girl shook her head, making you giggle. "Hate to break it to you, dad, but dippers are in the near future", she teased, but Joel only hummed, "Who said I ain't wearing one now?". Sarah let out a laugh, which Emma mimicked, making you smile. "Well, at least now I know why Em's diapers are disappearing", you said ž, making them both let out a laugh.

You wished you could freeze moments like this. Where you all were laughing. Where nothing bothered you all. "Don't forget to get the cake on your way back", you reminded Joel, who instantly hummed, "I will don't worry", he muttered, and Sarah sent him a warning look that he returned by leaning across the table to cup her cheeks and placing kisses all over her face. She squirmed in her dad's hands until she couldn't contain the laughter anymore.

Joel came back to a dark house. He wasn't expecting anything else, considering that he was three hours late coming back. He knew you would forget him for skipping his birthday dinner. It was Sarah, whom he knew must be upset. And letting her down was his biggest fear in life. Joel tried to move past the hallway as quietly as possible, stopping only when he noticed a light coming from the living room. Sarah was fast asleep with her head laying on your lap, your eyes were tired as you held Emma close to your chest. The light sounds of her suckling and the television playing were the only noise in the room. Joel couldn't help but smile slightly. He will never be able to get tired of a sight like this.

"Am I in deep shit?", you blinked a couple of times, shaking your head, "You can't even imagine Miller". Joel sat down next to you, lips instantly moving to kiss the side of your head, hand reaching to support Emma, who was happily eating, her tiny hand holding onto the pendant necklace that Joel had gotten you. It had four gold-plated letters. All the first letters of your little family's names.

"Don't overthink it. She'll understand eventually. Sarah wants your presence more than that cake anyway,", you reassured him, already feeling him slip into his mind. You knew Joel best. You knew how much he cared. The family was always first, and his working hours were so hectic just because he wanted to give you all the best. "I know. I will… I'll squeeze in a free day, and we can all just have a day to ourselves", Joel muttered, and you leaned closer to him, resting your head on his shoulder.

"Have I told you lately that you are the love of my life?", he asked all of a sudden, making you look back up at him. "Well, I would freaking hope to be", you teased him, moving to nuzzle closer to him once more. Joel let out a light chuckle, "But you have; you always remind me of that. Because you are the best fiancé and father ever", you muttered sleepily. Joel's warmth dangerously lulled you into a slumber.

The sound of what appeared to be a military helicopter flying over the house woke you up. You frowned, reaching over for Joel only to find his side of the bed empty. You quickly sat up, looking at the bassinet that stood by the side of your bed. Breathing out a sigh of relief when you saw Emma fast asleep there. Lights from outside were illuminating the room. It seemed like the search troops were out. What the heck was happening? The sight of a paper note caught your attention next. You picked it up quickly. It was Joel's handwriting on it: "Needed to go bail Tommy out. I'll be back as soon as I can. Love you, J.

The sound of footsteps approaching made you grab a book off your bedside table. Something was wrong, and you could just feel it. You could feel it deep in your gut. "Mom, dad", Sarah's voice filled your ears, right before another helicopter flew by. "Cone here, darling", Sarah threw the door open, rushing to you as she jumped onto the bed. "What's going on?", she asked, as your eyes fell over the window. "I don't know,", you muttered, "But daddy will be home soon, and we'll figure it out, okay?", You cupped her cheek tenderly, giving Sarah a light smile. You stood up and opened the wardrobe, pulling out a wrap-around carrier. Quickly draping it over your body, you leaned to pick up the smallest addition to the family, tucking her close to your chest. Now more than thankful that she was a deep sleeper, a gift from Joel.

"Come on, let's see if there's something on TV,", you said, reaching for Sarah's hand. The commotion outside only made the anxiety more and more intense. "Where is dad?", Sarah asked as you walked down the stairs. "He went to get your uncle". It wasn't the first time, so Sarah didn't ask any more questions. She knew it meant that Tommy had once again gotten into trouble. Something that made her dad rather frustrated most of the time.

All the channels were turned off, the only thing on TV was a warning. "Indoors, law enforcement and emergency services are in the area and will be in contact with further instructions", your hand was still holding onto Sarah when the sound of something hitting the window made you both jump. The barking filled your ears next, and you let out a shaky breath. Sarah instantly rushed towards the doors. "No, get back here", you called after the girl, but she was already opening the door, sinking to her knees as she petted the dog. "Easy, easy, Mercy. What are you doing out here, boy?", Sarah looked around the street, the chilly nighttime air hitting her cheeks. She moves to step closer to the street, but you were quick to hold onto her arm. "Get back inside," you said, "But what if ms. Adler…", she tried to argue, but your grip on her hand only tightened.

"I said inside", you tugged at her hand right as another person or whatever that was stumbled into the street. It twitched awkwardly before starting to dart in your direction. You moved Sarah behind you. "Go, go, go", you shouted before, pushing her into the house, closing the door behind you. Pressing all of your body weight against the door. Eyes closed as your body started to shake. Where was Joel? Where was he? The baby lets out a whine. Your hand instantly moved to rub up and down her tiny back, hoping to soothe her into sleep.

"Mom", Sarah calls out. You lifted your eyes to see her teary ones, instantly reaching for her, "Come here baby. We're okay", "What was that?". You pressed her to your side, kissing her head a couple of times. You wished you could answer, but you couldn't. "I don't know, baby, I don't know", you nudged her closer to yourself. Banging on the doors got louder, and a part of you was telling you to move to somewhere safer to at least get the girls safe. But you couldn't move. So crippled by anxiety. You just sat there with silent tears falling down your cheeks. Then a shot rang out, making you flinch. And then there was silence.

"Y/N", you let out a cry at Joel's voice that filled your ears from the other side of the door. Sarah was the one to stand up fist, quickly reaching for the handle, giving you just enough time to move slightly as she yanked the doors open. Joel stepped in, his hands reaching for Sarah instantly as he looked her over for any sign of injuries, "You're not hurt, baby girl?", he asked her. Sarah shook her head. "Dad, what's going on?", but Joel said nothing as his eyes fell on you. Crying on the floor, hands wrapped around your baby. He crossed the distance between you in a couple of steps. Kneeling beside you, "Joel…", you cried out, and he instantly brought your body closer to his, weary of the baby between you but making sure you could physically feel that he was there, "I've got you dove, come on, we need to move now".

Joel's arm moved to steady you from behind as he helped you up. Tommy was by Sarah's side, gun in hand, as he walked her towards the car. You barely made it down the front porch stairs as someone ran out of the Adler's house. You all froze in place, and Tommy hiked up the gun. "Get in the truck now", Joel roared, briefly turning to you and Sarah. But there was little time to think as the woman's body twitched and, with an unhuman-like growl, she started crawling towards you.

"What are we doing, Joel?", Tommy's voice rang out, but Joel didn't answer. With the tool in his hand, he swung his arm. He hit the old lady straight on the head, and her body fell to the ground. It was a split-second decision. A decision that had both you and Sarah staring at Joel because you had never… Never seen him this way. Never seen so much anger. Never seen this kind of violence. You didn't even know that Joel was capable of that.

"You killed her", Sarah whispered, pulling you out of your trance. Joel stepped to her, cupping her cheek, "Baby, I'm sorry", wrapping his arms around her, embracing her. "Joel, we need to move", Tommy said in a worried tone, now moving to grab your hands as he walked you toward the car. "You're okay?", he asked you as he opened the door, making sure you didn't hit your head. His hand lingered on his niece's back, her big brown eyes now staring at him. You nodded your head. What else were you supposed to do? "We'll get out of here", Tommy said firmly, rubbing his thumb on Emma's cheek. You turned to Joel and Sarah; he was still holding onto her. Her cheeks were stained with tears.

"Listen to me, it's not just the Adlers, but we need to be brave; we will get out of this together", Joel said to her before opening the door for her. An explosion rocked the street meters away from you. Both Miller brothers were quick to shield you, baby, and Sarah. Emma's cries echoed through the empty street now. You met Joel's eyes briefly. Eyes that were also scared. Worried eyes. "Let's go, guys, we need to go", Tommy jumped in the driver's seat before starting the car.

Sarah was silently crying beside you. Crying alongside Emma. You tried to soothe both of their fears, but with your anxiety being so high, you knew that you could try to hide it all you wanted - they could still feel it. The frantic driving and Joel's shouting at Tommy didn't help much. You pressed Sarah closer to you, her arm falling over Emma's body. You started to hum one of the lullabies. The lullaby that had followed Sarah through her childhood. The one even she sometimes hummed to her little sister if she took over the nap duties. "And in the darkest of nights, the stars shine bright above us. Sleep tight, little one; let the light calm you", you hummed softly. Rocking both of them in your embrace.

The world was falling apart. Houses were on fire. There was so much screaming. "What if it's everywhere?", Sarah muttered, looking up at you. "We'll find a safe place. Remember what your dad told you? We need to be just a tiny bit braver tonight", you said, meeting Tommy's gaze right as he looked up. A plane flew over the car. "The fuck", the younger Miller cursed while watching the ship sway in the sky. "Keep going", Joel encouraged his brother. His arms slipped toward the back. Joel's fingers were running up and down your calve. His way of grounding himself, of making sure that you knew he was there. That he still had this under control. That he was going to get you all out of here.

The chaos was like nothing you had seen before. The screams. The cries. People were running in front of cars. Hitting the sides as they fell. The streets were full. It all felt like a blur and the worst nightmare all at once. Sarah's grip on your hand was deadly. Your fingers had found Joel's hand as you leaned forward. Tommy started to move out of the street. You felt a tug on your hand. Sarah's eyes were gazing through the back window. "Dad" she whispered, "Dad!", this time the word came out more firm and loud. You only managed to see another airplane flying right at you. Then came the crash. The sound of static. Everything moved at lightning speed. You caved into yourself. Hoping to provide as much shelter for the infant with my body, and then everything went black for a moment.

Joel had never been more scared than the moment he crawled out of the car that was now lying on its roof and found your unconscious body covered in bits of glass and blood. Emma's cries soothed him almost; at least he knew she was alive. Sarah moved as well, and Joel let out a somewhat relieved breath. "Babe", Joel touched your leg, but you didn't move. He inched closer, dragging you out of the car by your shoulders. The moment Joel tugged on your hand, your eyes snapped open with a cry.

"Hey, I've got you", he tried to sound calm, but the sight of the blood trickling down the side of your face made him want to tear the whole world apart. Joel pulled Sarah out of the car as well before turning his attention to you. "Does something hurt?", "My shoulder, I think I…", you hissed when Joel's finger came in contact with your skin. "Give me, Em. Sarah, can you walk, baby?", Joel was loosening the carrier from around your body as he gazed at his firstborn. The girl nodded, and you ripped the side of the carry. Crawling toward Sarah and reaching for her ankle. "I'll wrap it tight, okay; it might feel uncomfortable, but you'll be able to move for now", "Mom, your head", she mumbled, fingers reaching for the blood, but you stopped her quickly. "It's nothing, darling. You focus on staying close to us, okay?"

Tommy came up from the other side, glancing over his shoulder. "The military trucks are here; you need to move; go towards the river; I'll meet you there", Tommy said, Joel rocked Emma in his arms as she screamed her little lungs out. She, too, felt the threat without the warmth of your skin. Tommy shrugged off his jacket, draping it over Joel, before helping you stand. "I'll see y'all there", he ushered you to move. "You stay safe", you said to him, and he only nodded. Regardless of his stumbles in life, Tommy was a good man. A loving brother-in-law. Someone whom you cherished. Cherished so deeply. But you couldn't let your sentiments get the better of you now. You needed to get your babies out of this mess. Get them somewhere safe. So you grabbed Sarah's hand, and so did Joel, and you all ran.

The river bank was practically a hand's reach away. Sarah was limping badly. You knew her leg was going to give up at any moment. You pulled her closer to you so she could lean more of her weight on you. Ignoring the pain that shot through your shoulder. Whispering words of encouragement to her. "Stop right there", a male's voice called out. Joel brought you all to a halt as the light from a gun darted onto your body. "We are not infected. My family got into a car crash", yet you could tell that the soldier didn't care about it whatsoever as he inched closer. "I have four civilians by the river. The female is covered in blood, girl limping", he said coldly into the radio, gun still pointed your way. "Please, we", "Shut up", the male roared, and you instantly pushed Sarah behind you. "Joel…", your hand held onto his forearm, but your eyes didn't leave the person in front of you. Something in your gut twisted. A sense of dread almost pulled you down.

"If something happens", "Y/N, don't…", you yanked at Joel's arm, firmly gaping at him. "You fucking take them and run", you muttered through gritted teeth. "Hey, no one told you to move", the soldier shouted, and you moved to face him again. The sound of your breathing was the only sound you could hear as your hand came up over Joel's hip, and you moved forward. The gunfire pierced the air. The echo was almost unbearable. Freezing. Static. Joel must have dragged you to the side after the first shot rang out, making you all tumble down the hill.

All Joel could hear was Em crying and a couple more shots ringing out. He needed to think quickly. He needed to come up with a plan. "Mommy", Sarah's shaky breath followed by a scream, was what got Joel to look up. And he wished he hadn't. He wished this was a dream. Maybe it was? His worst nightmare? What if he pinched himself? Make it all disappear. Make it all stop. "Joel", Tommy called out, reaching for the crying baby, and the moment the girl was out of his hands, Joel was moving towards you, falling over himself but moving to you.

"Hey, hey, love", he muttered. You had two gunshot wounds on both sides. The blood had already soaked your clothes. Sarah's had her hands pressed against your skin as she shook. "Listen to me, Y/N; I'll get you out; I'll make it", but you moved your hand up, gripping his arm. Lips pressed together as you tried to keep yourself from screaming in pain. You had to. For your girls.

Your eyes fell on Em in Tommy's arms; her bright pink cheeks were visible in the night. Your little angel baby. Your girl that you will never get to see grow up. She might not even remember you. You were going to be a distant memory. Just how Sarah's mom was to her. Sarah looked at the blood seeping through your skin. You reached for her, making her eyes snap at your face.

You pulled the last bits of your strength so you would smile at her, "I love you, sun-shine", you breathed out, and burning pain shot through your body, making you close your eyes. "Mommy, please. I… don't… please", she said, moving to wrap her hands around your neck. You breathed in her flowery scent, feeling your eyes burn with tears. Knowing very well that this was the last time you were going to feel her touch and smell her, "Let… mommy and daddy have a moment", you pleaded. Feeling your body starting to crash already. You didn't want her to see you fade away. No. The blood. Everything from tonight was already too much. She shook her head, but Joel grabbed her hands and moved them away from your blood, saying, "Go to Tommy, baby girl".

Joel, however, moved back to pressing down on your wounds for dear life. Even if he could tell, it was hopeless. He couldn't. He couldn't and was not about to let go. "Joel..", you cried out, and he instantly moved your body closer to his. Pulling you against his chest, "Don't go; don't die; you can't die", he croaked out, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck. "Hold me", you whispered, feeling the metallic taste in your mouth getting stronger, "I'm here, love. I've got you", Joel pulled you even closer to him, savoring the last bits of your warmth. He hoped it would have been him dying here. It should have been because you three would have been fine with Tommy. But with you gone… What was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to live?

"I lo-ve…", "I love you too; I love you so much", your grip on his arm started to loosen as your body shook. Joel got to meet your eyes one more time. He got to capture the depth and warmth of them that he knew he wanted to remember for the rest of his miserable life. "It's okay, it's okay", more blood poured from your mouth. Your big, worried eyes eased. Joel's rocking stayed the same. As if he were swaying you to sleep. As if you two were back home, back in your bedroom, and you had just had a bad dream. A bad dream that Joel was desperate to chase away. "I will always love you. There will never be anyone to replace you. My heart is yours; I'm bleeding with you, dove", he said through the tears.

Then you took a breath in. A surprisingly smooth breath in. Joel looked down at your face. And with a final exhale, your body let go, and the weight of you in Joel's hands told him loud and clear that you were gone. He looked up at the sky, at the stars that shone brightly despite the complete chaos. His body shook with a sob, a sob that guided your soul away from this world. A sob with which a part of Joel died. You took it as you went, and he was never going to be the same.

Tommy didn't rush Joel. Couldn't bring himself to. Sarah was crying with her head buried in her uncle's shoulder, and Emma's choking sobs followed suit. Joel held you till your body was ice cold. His eyes had dried, and he was staring ahead of himself, but he saw nothing. The same darkness that danced within his heart was now dancing all around him. He took your hand into his, carefully taking off the engagement ring from your finger before doing the same with the necklace. He needed something. He needed something from you that he could carry with him.

With you in his arms, Joel stood up. His legs were shaking, but he stepped forward. Tommy rose as well, "Joel, you can't… ", he tried to stop his brother. He understood that parting with your lifeless body was hard, but Joel couldn't carry you around. "We're going", Joel said dryly, as he moved past them. Sarah managed to brush her fingers over your cold skin as her father walked past. "You can't", Tommy tried again, but Joel turned back around, looking feral. "I said we MOVE,", he barked out, making Sarah shiver, and Em only cried more. "Dad,", the older girl tried, but Joel paid her no mind. He couldn't, not now. Acknowledging her would mean that he would have to face reality. And he couldn't. He couldn't fall apart. Especially not now. A shield of coldness embraces Joel as he continues walking through the dark field, still feeling your blood dripping off his hands. Dead.

[a-small-writer-in-a-big-world]

Summertime Sadness

Pairing: Simon "Ghost" Riley x f!reader

Warnings: Smut MDNI (18+), riding, love making? angst, love confession

Words: 5.6k

Synopsis: Simon has to leave again...

You are currently reading chapter 10 of The Roommate Series

You woke up to the sound of talking. 

You thought nothing of it for a moment, your mind too tired as you attempted to go back to sleep for a couple more minutes. You stayed up late last night talking with Simon about anything and everything, the conversation not really ending until you couldn't keep your eyes open anymore.

It was the most he had ever spoken to you about himself since you’ve known him. Of course, throughout the years he would tell you about where he grew up and small things about his life before he met you, but this had been entirely different. You learned much more about his family and his life than you ever would’ve thought to know from someone as private as him. 

You got as close to being inside of his mind as you could because he willingly let you in.

Simon Riley broke down his walls for you.

It warmed your heart but twisted it all the same. The things you learned connected a few of the dots on why he was the man you had fallen in love with and you would never change that, but that didn’t mean it hurt to think about what he went through.

His father, the torture…

You were cuddled together in his bed, your entire body laying on top of him while he wrapped his arms around you tightly. You had lightly dragged your fingers through his hair, caressing the scars on his face while the two of you continued to talk.

“Why do you stay if it hurt you so bad?” You had asked him while listening to his heartbeat. 

“Someone has to make them scared of the dark.” He had held you close to him and ghosted his lips across your hairline. “Want to keep you safe too.”

You learned very little else about his job, except that ‘them’ were terrorists, and suddenly his paranoia made sense. Everything about him surrounding his job made sense but that didn’t make you feel any better about the thought of him leaving again. 

In fact, it only made you more anxious. 

He had already been captured once, had more scars from injuries and wounds from his work and had crawled back to you nearly bleeding out to death. It was clear his job was dangerous, just like he said, but it only set in now that anytime he left you alone it might be the last time you’ll ever see him.

That didn’t sit well with you, but instead of expressing that to him last night you kept it in. 

You crack your eyes open and peered at the empty spot on the bed behind you, slight disappointment filling your stomach. 

Simon had woken up before you again but unfortunately didn’t wake you up with him this time. He probably didn’t want to wake you up, valuing your sleep more than you do, especially since you didn’t mind the morning sex with him, especially because it was him.

It took you a moment to realize that the talking inside the apartment wasn’t from the TV, considering that Simon rarely ever turned it up higher than a single digit, but from Simon and someone else. Their voices were hushed but the thin walls made it so you could almost make out what they were saying.

You slipped out of bed and slowly made your way out into the kitchen, curious about who Simon had invited inside the apartment.

Your curiosity disappeared when you saw Price sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in his hand.

The conversation died as soon as you walked in. You felt like a deer in headlights as the two men stared at you as if you were an unexpected guest. 

“Good morning.” Price greeted with a soft smile that made your chest tighten.

“Morning, love.” Simon mumbled to you as he came up to you with a plate of breakfast.

“Morning…”

You stared at him with uncertainty and a heavyweight settled on your shoulders. He gave you a knowing look, his dark eyes full of guilt as he handed you the plate and gave you a gentle squeeze on your waist. 

You gave him the best smile you could as you pushed the negative feelings down and if it weren’t for the fact that Price was in the room, you would’ve given him a kiss.

Simon moved away from you and went back to the stove where he began to place the dirty dishes in the sink.

You sat across from Price and continued to smile. You didn’t hate him, even when you had only met him once, but you couldn’t help but feel some dread knowing that he was here to bring bad news. 

“Sleep well?” He asked and you gave him a polite smile.

“I did.” You glanced at Simon and though you tried your hardest to keep your stomach from churning, you found that you weren’t at all hungry.

“I’m sorry about coming by unexpectedly again, I promise I’ll be better about it next time.”

You shook your head and gave him a small laugh. You assumed he was trying to soften the blow by trying to make conversation but you would much rather him get to the point so you could worry about what to do in the aftermath.

What were you going to do while he was gone? How much longer will he be gone for this time? He had come back unexpectedly, in the middle of whatever it is that he does, that’s what was told to you, so you had no clue. Would you be back in school by the time he got back? Would the next semester end before he got back?

“I came by to check on Simon-”

“I’m assuming to see if he can go back, right?” You looked at him and his face fell slightly. “It’s alright, you don’t have to sugarcoat it.”

Price scoffed and he looked slightly amused, though you could see the cold seriousness hidden within his eyes. You were probably doing him a favor for cutting the conversation short, making it easier for him to break the news without having to deal with the hysterics slowly building up inside you. 

Simon stopped cleaning the dishes and frowned, his eyes burning into you but you refused to look at him.

“It shouldn’t be for too long, just tying up loose ends.” He explained and you nodded, unsure of how true that statement was.

“You’ll keep him from getting stabbed again, I hope?” You teased in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Price flashed a quick smile while Simon huffed. 

“I can watch my own back.” He grumbled and Price raised a skeptical eyebrow.

“Don’t make me embarrass you in front of her.” Price threatened and if it were any other time you would’ve laughed, maybe played into it as well but you didn’t have the energy for it.

“Please?”

Price looked back at you, his face stern now, and he nodded. He didn’t have to say anything because you could see it in his eyes that he meant it and it should’ve made you feel better but all you could think was that you couldn’t go through what you did again.

“Thank you.” You breathed out.

“Of course.” He said solemnly and the kitchen became quiet.

Price didn’t linger. He took another sip of his coffee from the mug he had before he stood up and handed it to Simon with a pat on his shoulder. 

You went to stand up as well so you could see him out but Simon stopped you with a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“Eat. I’ll be back.” He assured you and you nodded.

You gave a polite smile to Price that he returned before the two of them disappeared, their voices hushed once more. You heard the front door open and suddenly the emotions began to bear their weight down on you.

The air was thick as you stared down at your plate, your stomach churning with so much anxiety that you felt so much nauseous you were sure that you were about to throw up. You swallowed hard and took a deep breath, hiding your face behind your shaky hands as you tried to gain control of your body. 

Simon was leaving you again. He was going to put himself in harm's way and he might die, you might never see him again, he might get captured again.

Your throat tightened and you struggled to breathe. You had to have faith in him but you couldn’t help but think of the what ifs and the worst case scenarios, especially when every single one of them ended in death.

You don’t know what you’d do without him. You’re not sure if you could live with him being truly gone…

You heard his footsteps approaching and quickly tried to regain composure. At least you knew ahead of time, at least you had more time to prepare yourself for when he left and you weren’t going to waste what little time there was ruining it with your anxieties.

Before he came back in the kitchen you put on a face and pretended to be fine while you picked around your plate.

Simon said your name as soon as he walked through the door, his voice soft and  nearly remorseful before you looked at him with a fake smile. His eyebrows knitted together and his eyes hardened when you walked over to him.

“I was thinking we should invite him over when it’s not work related.” You told him before you pulled him into a hug. “And John and Kyle.”

“If that’s what you want, we can find the time.” He mumbled and hesitantly wrapped his arms around you.

You almost wanted to melt into his touch, to have him hold you and let you cry how unfair it was to make him go back after being injured, but you stopped yourself. You knew what it would do to him, the guilt that he would feel for just doing his job, so you pulled away from him.

You stared at him, taking in everything about his features that you could in case you wouldn’t be able to remember them when he was gone. You had mapped out the scars every night, the way the bridge of his nose was crooked and the way his eyes drooped tiredly. You counted the small freckles and traced the wrinkles, finding your heart warmed when you noticed the crows feet on the corners of his eyes.

You lifted a hand and traced your thumb over the scar close to his eye causing him to lean into your touch with a soft, saddened expression.

“When?” You could barely ask the question above a mumble but you kept your face as cheery as you could.

“Tonight.” He told you as he caressed your cheek with calloused fingers. “I’ll leave after you fall asleep.”

You nodded slowly as your heart sank. You only had the rest of the day to spend with him and it felt like you had wasted so much time already. It wasn’t like you could’ve known but it felt like you should’ve, so now you had it in your mind that you had to fix the mistake. 

You wanted to spend as much time with him today as possible and to make his last night here worth it.

“I-”

“How about we have an inside date later?” You offered, already coming up with a plan. ���Dinner and a movie, the classic.”

Simon’s face fell and he stared at you with that same guilty look he had earlier. He continued to hold you close to him as if you’d move away while he stared deep into your eyes as if he could read your mind with just a look. He had a frown on his face as he rubbed his thumbs into your hips in an attempt to calm you both, but your mind had already set itself on ignoring your feelings and fixing the problem.

You ran your hands down his arms and gave him a reassuring squeeze, in hopes that maybe it would be enough to distract him to forget about looking more into it.

“What do you say? I think we have enough food to make something,” you offered again and gave him a smile in hopes it would win him over.

He was quiet for a moment. He was in deep thought as the frown on his face didn’t go away. A quiet, but long sigh left his chest before he placed a chaste kiss on your forehead and he gave you a firm squeeze.

“As long as I get to help you cook.” He said and you gave him a look that made the corner of his lips twitch.

“You never let me spoil you.” You grumbled and he rubbed his thumb into your hip.

“Don’t need it.”

You couldn’t help but frown at that. You knew that he wasn’t joking, it was hard enough to get him to accept your help most of the time so you knew that he truly thought he didn’t need you to spoil or take care of him. It made your chest tighten and your heart twist in ways that hurt when he spoke of himself that way now. 

He had told you it had been years ago, way before he had posted an ad for a roommate. He had told you he was better, that what you saw on the days where he rarely left his room or when he was more quiet, more angry, those were remnants of time much darker than now, but that didn’t change anything.

You still wondered if he knew the extent you would go to alleviate that pain. How much you were willing to take care of him as much as he was willing to take care of you. 

You hoped he would know tonight. You wanted to make his last night here for the next few months the best it could be and if that meant stubbornly forcing him to let you take care of him you didn’t care.

“Alright?” Simon squeezed your hip and you placed a kiss on his cheek. “You should eat.”

“I need to get ready for the day, but thank you.”

His eyebrows knitted together and somehow you managed to slip out of his hold before he could stop you. He didn’t say anything but watched you make your way to your room with your thoughts already taking over most of your senses. 

~

The rest of the day went by in a blur. 

You spent every moment with him that you could and luckily he didn’t seem to mind. It was one of those days where neither of you left the apartment for any reason even if you thought of something that needed to be done.

Simon piddled around the apartment doing the chores that needed to be done for the week. He refused to leave them for you to do, once again using the excuse that since you were there more often than he was he might as well make it so you didn’t have to do anything for the first week he was gone.

You didn’t want to admit to him that he had saved you from living in a squalor for the next couple of days.

It had become harder each time he left to make yourself do the things that needed to be done the first couple of days he was gone. The apartment would usually be a wreck for a couple of days while you struggled to get over the heartache you felt from him leaving. 

You knew tomorrow would be rough. You were sure you were going to be in tears the entire day, especially since you were struggling to keep your emotions in now as the two of you finished dinner.

You were quiet all evening. The closer the day went to night, the more anxious you became and the more you began to overthink everything about him leaving.

This was the first time you had time to prepare for it and yet you felt completely lost. Even when you knew how to handle him disappearing, right now it felt like everything was falling apart as you waited for the time when he was gone. Somehow it was worse knowing he was leaving this time, knowing that maybe he wouldn’t make it back.

Simon said your name and you turned to him.

“Hm?”

His eyebrows were knitted together and it was hard to tell whether or not he was upset at you or upset about something else as he gently took the dirty dishes that you were about to clean from your hands. 

“I said I could do them.” He told you and you chewed on your inner lip.

“Oh,” you didn’t protest as he took them to the sink. “Do you want me to help?”

Simon shook his head and you frowned. You hesitated to leave and he noticed the look on your face. He wrapped an arm around your waist and gave you a firm squeeze in hopes that maybe it would help you.

“I’ll meet you in there.” He gave you a soft pat on your lower back before he went back to washing the dishes.

You sat on the couch in the  living room and didn’t make a move to turn on the TV to find a movie. Instead you began to stare off into space again, your thoughts taking over as you watched the black screen with indifference. His departure was all you could think about, it was unfortunately the only thing that mattered to you right now.

You tensed up and took a shaky breath. You could feel yourself barreling towards an explosion of emotions that you had pushed down since this morning. You didn’t want to cause a scene or to make the last few hours of Simon’s time home until he would come back, whenever that would be, dealing with the fact that even after so many years you still couldn’t handle him being gone.

Your vision blurred and you placed your hands over your eyes, wiping away any tears.

“Love.” 

You jumped at the sound of Simon’s voice and you very quickly tried to pull yourself together. You gave him a weak smile, one that didn’t convince him as he sat down next to you with a heavy sigh. 

You saw the concern in his eyes and you immediately set on getting his attention away from you.

“I’m okay.” 

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not lying.”

Simon said your name again, a little more stern than before and suddenly shame settled in your stomach. You turned your body away from him, keeping your eyes on the floor as you did while your stomach twisted up in knots.

You didn't want him to know how upset you were and yet being found out, him knowing that you were keeping it from him made you feel stupid. You could’ve done better at hiding it, you were better at hiding it, at least you thought you were but this time it was hard.

Hard because you opened your heart to the feelings you had once pushed away. Hard because he had reciprocated them tenfold, like it was what he was made to do, to love you like you were the moon, the sun and everything else in the universe. 

You didn’t want this to be the last time you could ever return that.

Simon grabbed your wrist and tried to get you to look at him. When you didn’t, he placed a careful kiss on your pulse and gently tugged you close to him. 

You moved closer to him, leaning some of your weight against him but still kept your eyes on the floor.

“Look at me.” He placed a gentle hand on your cheek and turned your head towards him.

You had no choice but to meet your eyes with his. You shrunk under his serious gaze unsure if he was truly upset at you or if he was upset about the current circumstances that had come about because of the way he had returned. 

He stroked his thumb across your cheek, his dark eyes boring into yours with an intensity that made heat pool at your stomach while also making you feel incredibly vulnerable , like he could see into your mind and into your soul, to the very inner workings of who you were.

He stayed quiet for a long moment, drinking you in and taking in every detail on your face, while you did the same, before he spoke.

“This is how it’s going to be.” His voice was low and calm as he spoke, his thumb still caressing your skin. “If you can’t live with it, you have to tell me now.”

You could live with it, you already have. 

It had crossed your mind a few times that maybe it was too much waiting for him to come home, that maybe the constant loneliness that came with his absence would hurt too much to the point that you weren’t sure if you could wait for him to return however many months it took for him to get the job done. And with the added reality that he might not come home after all of that, you wondered if you could handle it. 

But when he did come home, when he finally pulled you into his embrace and let you feed him and showed you that he was back it made the wait worth it.

Simon made everything worth it.

“I can.” You were just as serious as him as you placed a hand overtop of his. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not hard to watch you go.”

“Coulda said that earlier.” His shoulders relaxed slightly and he let out a short breath.

“I didn’t want to make you feel guilty.”

“I’m always going to feel guilty, especially if you keep it from me.”

You nodded and your eyes dropped. You scooted onto his lap where he wrapped his arms around you and situated the both of you in a more comfortable position. You laid your head against his chest while he rested his chin on the top of your head, his thumb rubbing soft circles into your hips.

You let out a shaky sigh.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered and he shook his head.

“...Thank you for staying.” He whispered back and you nodded.

You both said nothing for a long while. You relaxed against him and for a moment you felt like you could fall asleep here, his arms were safe and loving to the point that after all of the emotional turmoil he was putting you to sleep. 

You would’ve if it didn’t mean that he would disappear.

Instead, you took a deep breath and focused on the present.

“Do you hate leaving?” You wondered out loud, the questions finally pouring out after being kept in for so long.

“Every time.” He said without missing a beat.

You hummed and listened to his steady heartbeat. Relief washed over you, though you’re not entirely sure why. It was easy to tell he liked being back home, that he enjoyed your presence, but being told that was something entirely different. 

It felt good to know that he hated leaving just as much you hated watching him go.

For a moment you wondered if you shouldn’t ask anything else but you figured it was best to get it out of the way now rather than wait until years down the line.

“Would you ever want to quit?”

“Love…”

“I’m not trying to convince you, I just want to know.”

Simon was quiet for a long time. He was deep in thought yet he never stopped his ministrations as he kept a firm hold on you. He took a deep breath and squeezed you gently.

“Hard to say. Probably not.”

You’re not sure what you expected. Maybe you wanted him to completely change his mind and tell you that soon he would quit his job to get something less dangerous that would keep him home so you didn’t have to worry about him dying. That he finally realized he didn’t have to stay, he didn’t have to fight, but that was selfish of you.

From what he had told you, from what you could infer, his job had been the only thing that kept him together until he could on his own. It was stable enough for him, enough to give him a purpose, so you couldn’t take that away from him. 

“I’ll always come back to you.” He reassured you as if he could read your mind.

“What if you dont?” You could barely say it.

It was a possibility. There were only so many times he could run back to you on death's door, so many times he gets lucky and avoids capture or death before he made one mistake. One mistake and he’d be gone from you forever, and you’d be left alone to pick up the pieces he’d leave behind.

You trusted him, you were sure he was good at his job, but people died in the force all the time. 

“Then I hope you’ll forgive me.” He said softly, almost as if there would be a possibility that you wouldn’t.

Your throat tightened and tears threatened to form. You clenched your jaw and in that moment you knew that you had to tell him just in case this would be the only time you could.

Before you could even think, you shot up and looked him in the eyes.

“I love you.”

Simon’s eyes widened and his body stiffened underneath you. His hands tightened their grip on your hips and he stared at you with an unreadable expression on his face while his eyes bounced around your face. He barely let you move on his lap as he stared at you like you had grown another head or that you had said something outrageous.

It sent your stomach into knots and you chewed on your lip. You didn’t regret saying it but maybe it was too early, maybe for him it was too much especially since he was leaving in a couple hours. It took him three years to tell you just a fraction about his past, maybe it was too intimate-

“Say it again.” He practically demanded.

You blinked but he pulled you closer to him. You placed your hands on chest and felt his racing heartbeat as he eyes softened, peering deep into you as he kept you firmly against him.

“I love you.” You repeated, softer this time and he swallowed hard.

A light blush spread across his cheeks and the tips of his ears. Instead of averting his gaze however, he leaned forward and ghosted his lips across yours. It was soft and almost hesitant before you reciprocated it. 

The kiss was slow, blooming into something more as his hands began to roam across your body as if he were touching marble. He sighed heavily, his hand settled as the base of your neck to deepen the kiss while you straddled his lap.

You gasped into his mouth when you felt his hard cock rub against your heat and pushed your hips further down. You swallowed the grunt that escaped his lips and clutched his shirt tighter as he broke the kiss.

Simon rested his forehead against yours as the two of you caught your breath. He massaged his fingertips into your neck, causing your eyes to flutter shut while he pressed a few quick kisses against your skin.

“Again.” He whispered against your lips desperately as if the words were the sweetest thing he had ever tasted.

“I love you.” You whispered back and he shuddered. 

He locked you lips in another kiss that was more heated than the last but just as slow. He kept you against him before he grabbed the hem of your shirt and began to take it off.

You pulled away from him, light headed as you tossed your shirt on the floor somewhere. You shivered when his hands touched your bare skin, the heat from his palms raising goosebumps as he unclasped your bra and tossed it away as well.

Simon didn’t hesitate to kiss your breasts, leaving hot kisses against the plump flesh before he took a nipple into his mouth. He swirled his tongue, sucking and nipping at the sensitive flesh only because you let out short whines that made his cock impossibly harder.

Your hands grasped his hair and you tugged on the strands, your hips grinding your clothed cunt against him for any kind of friction. Your panties were wet as he moved to your other nipple while his hands traveled to your ass. 

He moved your hips for you and the more he touched you, the more he kissed your skin and revered you, the more you yearned for him.

You needed him inside you, in your heart and in your soul. You needed him to stay even though you knew he wouldn’t and you needed him to show you how much he loved you back despite that. You needed him fully, with every part of him that he tried to hide from you.

“Need you.” You panted as you tugged on his shirt with pleading eyes. “Please, I need to feel you.”

Simon didn’t hesitate to throw off his shirt, a heavy sigh falling from his mouth when your hands pressed against his skin. He helped you throw off your shorts and panties, the rest of his clothes following, leaving the two of you laying naked against each other.

It was all the two of you needed for a moment. You would’ve been content laying against him like this any other day, just feeling him and holding onto him, but you need more.

His cock hard and red, beads of precum on the tip, rested in between your legs on your soaking cunt. He bucked his hips up a few times, dragging it across your slit where the tip eventually caught onto your entrance and you both gasped.

“Simon…”

“Fucking hell, love.”

You raised your hips and slowly began to sink down on him.

You whimpered, still not used to the size of him, though you were sure you never would be, and dug your fingernails into his skin. You already felt dizzy and you barely had the tip inside of you, your walls clenching around him like he would disappear.

Simon pressed his lips to your pulse and kissed it gently. He moved his lips across your neck, sucking marks into your skin as he rubbed his hands soothingly into your body. 

“Breath, love.” He kissed underneath your jaw and you moaned when you sank further down on his cock. “That’s it.”

He continued to whisper sweet encouragements in your ears until you were fully seated on him, a tight moan escaping his mouth. Both of you were out of breath, pressed together and panting as the head rested against your cervix. 

You looked deep with his eyes and raised your hips, beginning to bounce on his cock as soft whines escaped you. You didn’t break eye contact with him as you did, heat coursing through your body and sending electric shocks through your nerves as you rode him.

He thrust up into you slowly but deep. Each thrust from his hips matched the rhythm you set as the air was knocked out of your lungs and your head suddenly became light. You were so full of him, stretched out by his massive cock that nearly all coherent thought had been lost to you, the only thing now were the soft moans and whines that escaped your throat.

He stared up at you with heady lovesick eyes. He let out soft grunts and groans as you rode him with the love you proclaimed that struck him in his cold heart, that gently took away the walls and the constant need for survival, leaving him feeling incredibly different.

All that was left was Simon Riley, vulnerable and in love with you.

His cock dragged in and out of you, hitting the spot that had your legs quivering and you squirming on top of him. Your stomach pulled and you curled your toes, the all too familiar sensation building up inside as he continued to thrust into you.

You were close and he could feel it. You gasped when he sped up his thrusts just enough to make you see stars while you wrapped your arms around his neck. Your eyes fluttered shut and for a moment you let yourself feel the sensation of your bodies together.

Simon gently cupped your face and you forced your eyes open to look at him. He stared at you with heavy eyelids and caressed his thumb across your cheek. He leaned forward and pressed chaste kisses against your lips while his other hands fumbled with the dog tags around his neck. 

You barely noticed him slip it around your neck until the heated metal bounced against your chest. 

You came immediately, your cunt fluttering around his thick length as your vision went out. You wrapped your arms around his neck, falling limp against him as he held your waist while he fucked you through your orgasm.

His thrusts became sloppy and it only took a few more deep ones before you felt him release hot ropes of cum inside you. He hugged you close, both of you waiting to come down from the high while he left soft kisses on your shoulder.

The two of you stay like that for a while, unable to separate from each other and even finding yourselves riling each other up again when you just had to utter those three words again.

“I love you.”

Link to part 11

A/N: I needed this tbh. Should've been doing work but I got stressed. Lowkey smut, I tried but lost some steam

The tag list is closed!! I am so happy that so many of you want to be tagged for this story but I will not be accepting anymore requests to tag people in this series since this list has gotten long and it's hard to keep track of how many I have to add! Sorry for the inconvenience!

Tags:

@kat-nee @alexwashere82 @suicidal-marshmellow @shuttlelauncher81 @poohkie90 @reiya-djarin @k4marina @mionacaped @igotmajordaddyissues @xxghostyx @pasta-m1lk @imstargazing @jacksonpleasestopkillingme @kgive @konig-is-bbygrl @lialacleaf @frazie99 @gremlin-ghuleh @spencerreidisbae123 @writingmysanity @lillianastuff @alastorhazbin @reid490 @lockleywife @sheepselecric @dead-noodles @marshmallowtraver @sinclairbrosbathmat @sofasoap @crazyfandomist @iwmtfm @oiiviagrande @genesis1363 @revyjerry @guttabutta00 @greenkiki @d4z01 @quietlyignoringyou @mysticalgalaxysalad @almightywdm @maviee @lycheedr3ams @multitargaryen @fruitymoonbeams-blog @lilpothoscuttings @eatingtheworldsoffanfiction @adriennepoison

[kroosluvr]

Goro hadn't turned around when he said goodbye - that was never his thing - but if he did, he'd see that Sumire Yoshizawa had, in fact, not flinched, or even blinked. Instead, she watched him walk down the entire sidewalk into the frosty night.

notes under cut: i dont have much but just for organization HEHE

its not that obvious bc i suck at drawing hands omfg. but sumire has a bad habit of picking at her nails until they bleed so her hands are a lil fucked up all the time and goro has the same anxious habit -> wears gloves in a vain attempt to curb it. he notices it from sumire but she doesn't notice it from him bc of said gloves

smth abt akechi being so acutely aware of his imminent death... though he himself is indifferent to it, he sees sumire struggle so much, so he wants to help sumire while he still has the ability to

smth abt Names and the idea of names between these two in particular.... names hold so much value... goro who was never really known as goro in his life, sumire who tried so hard to kill off her name and herself entirely i wanted to include the repetition of "don't worry" bc i think that sort of sentiment frm goro akechi HITS DIFF........

i think him genuinely trying to be there for her is a lot of awkward tough love because he doesnt really know how to go about it but at the same time his presence is exactly what she needs to overcome her fears. and i think he tries to say "dont worry" verbally so that maybe itll get thru to her a little bit more, especially when he wont Be there anymore to Say it out loud to her so he has to kinda beat it thru her skull Now

also smth abt royal trio all being acutely aware of all of their differing levels of suicidal ideation™️ because i think all of them have some variety of it. and ofc theyre the only ones they can depend on in this fucjed up ideal reality so they link themselves together as tightly as possible to prevent any spiraling.

even though akechi somewhat detests depending on these guys, he reminds himself that they need him way more right now, and, well. he'll be gone soon, so he can give up an ounce of his pride.

[jymwahuwu]

Content warnings: yandere, angst(?), some descriptions of capitalism, you're locked up

Summary: You are a bakery owner and you and your shop are going to be evicted by the IPC. Unfortunately, Aventurine is the one handling the plans.

Note: I suddenly want to write this very much...sorry, I don't know what I am writing...🥹

According to the calendar of your home planet, you spent all your savings and bought a bakery three years ago.

Once upon a time, you had your own ideals, which were woven into unrealistic dreams in your childhood paintings. When you become an adult, you realize that adults use lies to pile up in school and blow up beautiful bubbles. Those lies are probably the beginning of your idealized misfortune. Your dream goes from unrealistic to another. Under consumerism, you want a property of your own, with one room, a large living room, an open kitchen, and a ceiling where you can sleep while looking at the stars. Approximately 8,000,000 credits. You deposit money into the Cosmic Bank. Staring at the rising numbers in the bank account with tired eyes, health has been replaced by some slowly rising numbers and countless nights.

Then, you collapse. Your ideal transforms into a spaceship for 1,200,000 credits. However, classmates and friends of Universe University in the same year shared on social media that they had gotten married step by step, had children, and had a lovely next generation from the artificial womb. The venue for their proposal was on a romantic planet with endless sea, sky and seagulls. A growing sense of comparison creates unnecessary suffering. Others tell you, go ahead, just like others, work, save money, buy a house, buy a car, get married, have children, bring new blessings to the universe, and believe in an Aeon you like.

Best is Qlipoth. They said. Everyone said so.

That's the Aeon that IPC fervently believes in. They may not necessarily know about the walls and protections made by Qlipoth, but people must know that IPC is a huge company involved in the economy of the entire universe. Their golden bodies symbolize enviable wealth in people's eyes.

But spacecraft are out of reach. You figured this out through a cheap and unpalatable 10-credit lunch and a scolding from your boss. You know you should set a more realistic goal.

Then let’s get a car with 30,000 credits. There are also jewelry for 50,000 credits. I'll go shopping after get off work. you said so.

You walked into the store and bought a car that met your expectations despite the salesperson's inner eye rolls and eager sales. Stroking its shell, eager joy surges into your heart, as if your hard work has been transformed into a visible reward. This is valuable. And jewelry, you buy a necklace that sparkles around your neck.

Your face was hot with excitement. There is value in this, keep it to yourself and it will appreciate in value!

Trembling with excitement, there is endless emptiness behind the joyful smile. Cosmic Express is responsible for delivering express delivery to your home. You browse the Internet and buy a list of unnecessary things to fill your misery and pain and stop the bleeding that might come out.

Then one day you quit your job after another scolding, knowing that you are just a cog in the functioning of society. You don't want to live like this anymore, but you don't know how to live without money and without getting married like others. You buy a spaceship ticket and wander off randomly. Romantic, casual and comfortable life. You think idealistically again to cheer yourself up. No matter where you go, you have to start a new life.

You arrive on a new planet, a beautiful and highly developed space society. The dome has a transparent dome woven from Qlipoth that envelopes the entire planet. You have heard that IPC has its headquarters here, but some say it is just one of its branches. Regardless, they obsessively imitated the architecture of Aeon Qlipoth, constructing a towering building with a beautiful transparent glass dome. It is stationed on the planet like a banyan tree, tirelessly absorbing money and energy.

You bought a small, independent bakery on one of the shopping streets, renovated it and prepared it for opening and used up almost all the credit in your bank account. But, you are happy, from the bottom of your heart, practicing your baking recipes and thinking about a bright future. On opening day, you put up a sign with a design on it. And greets all guests warmly. They smell the aroma of bread, follow the traces and step into your store, buying this and that bread and drinks. The aroma of food, warm bread, that is the breath of life.

-

One month after opening, Aventurine stepped into your bakery. When socializing at work, he accompanied his clients to drink and enjoy haute cuisine, with a charming smile. During lunch, he would choose a coffee shop or an elegant restaurant to sit and browse the stock market and invest. Those tens of millions of money came and went, only in exchange for a smile or a sip of coffee from him. Wonderful afternoon. Beautiful gamble. But that day, he smelled a different aroma of bread, and realized that a new store had opened in the commercial street.

He walked into the store and browsed the golden bread. Aventurine spent 2 minutes choosing toast and croissants, listening to the sound of money arriving on his phone. He glanced at you, who was in uniform and busy. It was inevitable that he thought from a professional and utilitarian perspective, wondering how this narrow store did not meet the requirements of modern business. Decoration, bread production, marketing, and store staffing. It would be foolish to hire just one clerk. Hiring just one more clerk can lead to more revenue. You obviously have your hands full.

He spent 2 minutes in line. When it was Aventurine's turn to pay, you gave him a warm smile, as warm as sunshine. These days, you remember some familiar faces of your customers. You're a little surprised by the new-faced customers arriving at the store.

You greet him and ask if he wants a takeout or just enjoy it in the store.

"Right here, thank you." Aventurine replied.

So Aventurine sat down, right in the bakery. He munched his bread and invested his money, living his daily life. Day after day, weeks and months passed. Occasionally, he pays attention to you. You always do all the work in the store, packing the bread, putting it on the shelves, and doing the cashiering. So one day, He asked out of curiosity. “Isn’t the bakery owner going to hire an extra employee?”

You opened your eyes wide and smiled awkwardly. "I-I'm the owner of this bakery."

Ah, so here's the answer. Aventurine nodded, you may not have more funds, but he accidentally started to invest and play, just like the play he had not completed in childhood. He loved investing, which was like finding a pearl in the ocean, playing Monopoly, playing with his assets. A desire arose spontaneously, satisfying his heart. "Have you considered expanding the store and staff? I see your bakery is very popular. I've witnessed many, but none like this, and swear there's some potential here."

"Really?" You were a little shy in the compliment. He was surprised at your naivety. "Thank you, but I have no plans yet."

"Oh, you're eating Brioche today." You looked down at the bread he selected. "You are a familiar face. Let me give you a discount. It only costs 200 credits."

Aventurine was about to refuse, but heard your question. "If you don't mind, could you tell me what you do for a living?"

He didn't understand the specific reason. Aventurine didn't want to reveal his work in front of you, so he muttered vaguely. "I'm in the gambling business."

"You mean the casino?" You blinked.

"Yeah, yes," he replied.

"That must be hard…" You recalled the casino in the drama, where the gamblers seemed likely to fight. He must have been mediating frequently there. After thinking about it, you gave him extra drinks and bread. “Here’s today’s special offer!”

Aventurine held the drink at a loss, feeling that the cold drink was radiating heat.

-

On a rainy and windy afternoon, Aventurine won't sit at your outdoor table. He returned to the IPC with the bread and pressed the button for the lift. One of the members of Ten Stonehearts saw him and asked caringly. "I can't see you eating in the office lately. Can you be full just by eating bread?"

"It's okay. I fill up easily." He smiled politely, even though he had eaten some more bread… He didn't refuse your offer.

He finished chewing the bread while scrolling through your bakery’s social media feeds on his phone. You like to update the bakery's social media and have accumulated about a few hundred likes per post. In the photo, you shared a new type of bread, and your passion for life is reflected in your eyebrows and eyes.

The department meeting is just after lunch. The holographic screen fluttered IPC's business plans and developments. IPC announced that one of its small plans was to acquire a new commercial street and all the businesses would have to move out. His eyes reflected the glowing words- your bakery is on that commercial street.

-

Gradually, that friendly customer who works at the casino becomes too busy to visit your bakery, or he finds a new restaurant. There's something empty inside you, like a piece is missing.

New signs were posted in the neighborhood, and other store owners who often borrowed flour and other supplies from each other knocked on your door and told you that the Interastral Peace Corporation was buying the street and that every store was going to be evicted. This will be the place where a new type of space commercial city will be built. Many companies will settle in and open stores. It will be beautiful and modern, just like other space commercial cities. You'd better discuss a compensation plan with IPC now and strive for better terms.

IPC may compromise, but with other economic systems of the entire planet, not with a small commercial street. They do what they say they will do.

Like a bolt from the blue, you repeatedly confirmed and asked questions. Why does it have to be here? Why? What are their plans? How much will the compensation be? The IPC wants the compensation to be as small as possible, and the shop owners will fight for it, but the court is on their side. So don’t be too tough in your attitude, be more diplomatic, be more worldly, and seek more benefits for you. they said.

Many shop owners have signed up for the compensation plan. You are one of the few shop owners who are too stubborn to embrace the world. Guard this shop like a dragon guarding the last treasure. As the deadline gets closer, you notice more rude customers, the ingredient supplier says they can no longer serve you, and some negative messages and reviews appear to smear you. There are also people in all-black uniforms looking outside your store. That's downright creepy.

But you are not afraid, what you are afraid of is that something will be taken away from you again. Those capitalists are used to taking something from you and then giving you something in compensation. Before it was salary, now it's compensation plans.

Occasionally, you bow to reality and pay attention to some new stores, but those prices cannot be bought with compensation.

One night, before you close the shop, you hear the sound of construction work, destroying the original shops. It's not loud and noisy, it's a new space construction technology, but you're terrified and just want to pack up and go home. You have filed a complaint with the court. Once again, you place your hopes on the ethereal, and then you see a figure appear at the window of the bakery.

Ah, it's that customer. He must be here to support you and buy bread.

You maintained your smile and greeted him, "I haven't seen you recently. Where have you been?"

Aventurine just stared. There was some compassion in his expression, and his features were soft. He knew that the gentlest of measures would not work. “…let me talk to you about the new compensation plan.”

You were stunned for a while. "…What do you mean?"

He hands you a card with neatly printed handwriting and the IPC logo.

“Aventurine, Senior Manager in the IPC Strategic Investment Department”

You held the card and read it for a while before looking up at him. Your throat was dry but tears were streaming down your face. The holographic screen projects a new plan, specially prepared for you stubborn, idealistic people, to provide better compensation.

"…Go away, I don't want to see you!" You paused for half a minute before getting angry and pushing him out of the store. What flows inside is anger at the betrayal, even though you know he doesn't have to support you. Aventurine's arms opened up to embrace you. You were shocked, struggling, and sobbing. "I don't want to see you…you are with them…I have nothing, and you still want to take it away…"

Halted like an emotional kitten, you whimpered, tired from sobbing, sleep overtook you and darkness enveloped you.

You opened your eyes and found yourself in a luxurious room, with stars visible on the ceiling and a soft quilt covering you. Pillow supports your head. You adjusted to the light for a few seconds, frowned, and moved your hands, but the sound of the chain sounded. You looked at the chains on your hands, stunned, shaking and struggling. "What-what's going on?"

"Ah, you're awake." Aventurine opened the door and came in. He touched your forehead, and you realized that the clothes you were wearing had also been changed. They were a set of pajamas. "What happened?" You shook the chain in your hand in confusion. "Someone attacked us last night?" "Um, it's not like that actually."

Aventurine comforted you and shushed you. "You're locked in. Shhh...shhh, don't scream. I know this may be hard to accept at first, but you'll see the benefits."

He explained, to your expression like a frightened little animal. "…For business purposes, I looked into your background. You've been having a hard time, haven't you? Now you finally have time to relax. This is one of my houses, and it's yours, too."

"I didn't ask you..." Tears welled up in your eyes. Are you going to be locked up? "I know." Aventurine stroked your head gently. "I know, now just relax. I'll take care of the bakery. We'll open a new one somewhere with the ocean, you know, new plans."

You noticed that he used the word "we," which made your heart feel strangely warm. You were speechless, closed your eyes, turned around, a tear flowed down your cheek, and the chain creaked.

This is your new reality, but at least you can rest, right?

[uzumaki-rebellion]

Spinning the Block (Prologue)

Pairing: Terry Richmond x Officer Jessica "Jess" Sims

Summary: Terry relives his final moments in Shelby Springs.

"I got no time for compromise

Don't bother me

You're all the same, just a bunch of lies

O can't you see?"

Bad Brains—"Don't Bother Me"

Adrenaline rushing through Terry's body didn't help the bloody shotgun wound in his side from clotting up.

He drove as fast as he could on a blown tire with a wounded officer bleeding out from his femoral artery right next to him. Officer Marston's lips turned blue, and his pale skin looked clammy and cold. Behind Terry's seat, drugged out of her mind, Summer McBride cowered and whimpered. All three knew that an abrupt ending to their lives loomed on the horizon.

He crossed over the grassy highway divider, trying to keep control of the car as the blown tire hindered their progress getting to the hospital. It kept pulling to the left, and he fought with the steering wheel. The flopping sound of the tire remains striking the road and the loud thunk of the rim grinding on pavement reverberated in his teeth. He felt every vibration, bounce, and grind, but he willed the vehicle to hold on a few miles more.

He glanced at the passenger seat. Marston clung to life, riding on the fuel of fear and imminent death. The officer twisted the channel on the police radio. More trouble raced in their direction. Two police vehicles screeched behind him and stayed on his ass.

Chief Burnne's black unmarked police truck blew past him, slowing down Terry's momentum. This was it. He glanced at Summer in the rearview, and her forlorn expression had gone past giving up hope. The thought of losing her daughter shined in tear-streaked eyes.

A familiar Crown Vic zoomed along his left flank. His intense jade eyes locked on Officer Jessica Sims' hardened gaze. They stared at one another for only five seconds, but each second stretched into every minute he interacted with her from the beginning.

At the start of his horrific journey in Shelby Springs, he originally thought Officer Sims was the only bright light of hope to clear up the transgressions against him. Most of his family believed in ACAB all day, but he was a former marine vet who tried to have some understanding of why his own people tried to work within the system. Hell, he once trained marines to uphold American values and protect American citizens. He approached Officer Sims with that energy, a kindred spirit trying to do right by fellow citizens as a Black American.

She played everything by the book from jump, and the way her eyes looked at him with compassion made him think she would do the right thing by him.

Fool him once.

Dassit.

Still, she followed the rules like he did with his former work, believing in a righteous chain of command. Unfortunately, she seemed clueless to what her department had been doing for a few years with all the civil forfeitures. Or maybe she was in on it. Perhaps turned a blind eye to keep her job and not get bullied by all the men on her squad. No matter, in the end, she chose a side.

The wrong one.

His eyes narrowed, and he glared at her with the disappointment of a thousand Black ancestors witnessing yet another betrayal by one of their own. In another time or place, he might've asked her out for drinks and dancing at a zydeco bar he frequented. She was the type of woman he liked, big-boned and plush all over. Not easily pushed around. Built for a large man like him. Yeah buddy, if none of this small town racist bullshit had popped off, Terry would've scooped that pretty woman up and sweet-talked her into letting him drop the hammer on that ass. Alas…

Officer Sims turned her gaze forward. He braced for impact because he knew she was going to jack them up and get them killed. Sometimes Black people were their own oppressors when they believed in the American lie. Justice didn't come to his people, and that Black woman didn't care.

Wayment.

Sims gunned the cruiser ahead of him. The police radio crackled with the voices of the cops behind him.

"Looks like she overshot…we got a ticking clock here… give it another go or I'll do it myself here…" a cop droned with a nasal drawl.

Sims clipped the left side of Chief Burnne's vehicle and he veered off to the left. Her cruiser flew off the road, barely missing a tree.

"Great shot… we're 10-59," the cop behind them said.

"What's a 10-59?" Terry asked.

Marston mustered what energy he had left and said, "That's an escort."

One of the cop cars behind him gassed it to the front of Terry. Protection.

Summer wept behind him and Marston passed out. Terry kept driving and praying it wasn't another trick. He had no patience for fuckery anymore. De-escalation had been his saving grace, but his remaining nerves were frayed and poised to explode. The weight of Mike's death hovered over his spirit.

He drove close to the hospital emergency room doors and leaped out of the police cruiser. The back left tire caught fire from the road friction. He ignored it. Summer opened the back passenger door. He lifted and carried her past the swooshing doors. Placing her on a gurney, he snatched up a fire axe he found inside the hospital and dashed back outside. He hurried to the police cruiser and popped the trunk from the driver's side. Glancing at the setup, he struck the dashcam recorder twice and yanked it out. Rushing back inside the hospital, his mind whirred with all the thoughts of what to do next. He would hold on to that dashcam until he had a lawyer present. All the truth rested within it. If he had to shed blood to keep it away from the Shelby Springs police department goons, he would go fucking Rambo on their asses.

The comedown hit him like a sledgehammer. Tears. Shouts of release. Everything he held inside to keep from snapping poured out. He watched more police arrive. Authorities from a different department bumrushed the hospital emergency entrance.

Chief Burrne's, handcuffed and bleeding through a bandage on his forehead, passed him by with Officer Sims escorting him to treatment. Terry clutched the dashcam to his chest, waiting for his representation to arrive. Several cops observed him from a distance.

He glanced up and Sims latched onto his gaze. Her soft brown eyes seemed full of regret and sympathy for his situation. She may have double-crossed him that one time, but the woman looking at him now simmered with self-doubt at her part in the entire fiasco. In the end, she did the right thing, saving their lives.

"Terry Richmond?"

An older white man in a crisply pressed gray suit approached him with another county deputy.

"I'm Lloyd Webber, your attorney. I've worked with Officer Marston."

Terry nodded, stood, and followed the man outside.

He glanced back at Officer Sims. Other cops surrounded her and asked questions. Terry wanted to wish her well with whatever happened next, but he had to focus on the dashcam evidence and get justice for his cousin, himself, and all those other people unjustly harassed and abused by the Shelby Springs Police Department.

One day, he would spin the block and see Jess again.

He needed answers and closure with her.

Part 1 HERE.

Masterlist

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[sha-lyuzar]

Loghain Mac Tir is my comfort character. It is not often a pleasant thing to admit, and my reasons are complex, and personal, but fundamentally what makes me so attached to him is how human he is. That kind of depth and complexity is what made me fall in love with Dragon Age in the first place. He’s not just a “noble hero” or an “evil villain,” but a fully realized person who embodies good and evil, and everything inbetween, who is shaped by his past and his deeply personal convictions, his flaws, his fears, his fierce love for Ferelden, and, most importantly his tragic mistakes, that lost him everything, and that is what makes him feel so real to me.

He doesn’t have an easy narrative arc. He’s not driven by simple greed, cruelty, or even by misguided idealism. He’s a survivor with wounds that never fully healed, and those wounds shape the way he sees the world and interprets threats. Every heinous decision and tragic mistake is a direct consequence of his loyalty to Ferelden and Maric, and his willingness to bear the burden of horrific choice. He has been bleeding for his cause since he was a child, and it has turned him into the same kind of cruel and cold tyrant He fought against in the first place, and watching him struggle to hold true to his values, and eventually abandon them, as his path grows darker and more isolating, is this profoundly tragic thing that to me is infinitely more compelling than a classic Hero's Journey.

What Loghain did in the Alienage is deeply disturbing and inexcusable. Using Tevinter slavers to control and exploit the elves is one of the darkest points in his character arc. It’s a choice that reveals just how far he’s willing to go to maintain control and secure his idea of Ferelden’s “independence,” even at the cost of his own morality, so He lets in a foreign power to abduct and subjugate the citizens he claims to be protecting. It unveils the extremes of his desperation and paranoia, because in his mind, he’s protecting Ferelden, but in reality, he’s perpetrating the very kind of oppression he once fought against. It is dark, it is horrific, it is unforgiveable, and that is the whole point.

He has to confront the devastation he’s caused, and he can’t simply brush it aside as a “necessary evil.”. If he joins the Grey Wardens, his path involves acknowledging these grave mistakes, taking responsibility, and finding a way to live with the guilt. There is no reconciliation for his actions, his fear and trauma may explain but never excuse what he did. There is no easy way out. Loghain is stained with the blood he shed forever. He has to live with having failed, with the compounded weight of his actions and regrets, and, if he joins the Wardens, he isn't even granted the mercy of a quick and clean death, and instead is exiled from the country he poured everything he had into.

And doesn't this resonate? Does this not perfectly reflect the difficult reality of being human? How people can be fiercely protective, deeply flawed, and driven by complicated motivations, and that these qualities make them more worthy of understanding, not less? Loghain’s arc speaks to me on such a deep and personal level, especially as someone who has been battling the demons of trauma. His story is a vivid reminder that trauma doesn’t always make us better people, but exacerbates our struggles and can lead us down dark paths. i see parts of my own struggles in Loghain, i understand his pain, his fear, the choices his past self would loathe him for, and the gnawing self-hate, regret and grief.

Trauma twists our intentions like that. Instead of guiding us toward empathy and understanding, it clouds our judgment, and pushes us to make decisions we later regret, and become versions of ourselves we hate. My reality of trauma has not been this character building experience, the way it is often depicted in media, but something harrowing and life-altering, that still poisons me, even years later. But seeing a character lose all tether to himself and get lost in his demons is a tale worth telling, and an experience that still grips me, even 15 years after playing DA:O for the first time. Seeing Loghain live through rock bottom in DA:O, and then, ten years later in DA:I find purpose and whatever semblance of peace is possible in his circumstance, is something that gives me comfort. It is deeply personal, and i keep this unforgiveable and irredeemable, this grief-stricken and regret-filled man, this complicated and multifaceted character deep in my heart.

There are spoilers for datv under the cut. Major spoilers about the end of the game. If you have not played through yet, please don't be tempted to look. i thought i would be fine with spoilers, but i am not. You have been warned.

All of this is rendered moot by the ending of datv. By a throwaway line. i have been spoilered by this online, and have not reached this point in the game myself, yet, but it leaves me feeling a lot of ways, and it hits me hard. It feels like everything i found relatable in his struggle, everything that made him so human, is suddenly taken away. If his actions weren’t truly his own, and he was being puppeteered by old gods magic, then what does that mean for the weight of his choices? It feels like a betrayal of everything that made up his character, a character who has grappled with his trauma and made terrible choices, yes, but ones that were driven by his own will and conviction, always.

The complexity of his journey, the depth of his remorse, and the struggle for a new purpose, all become overshadowed by this new twist. It threatens to erase the beautiful, painful, and human truth of what it means to confront one’s demons and seek understanding in the aftermath of suffering, what it means to reassess and take accountability for your actions and do the hard, dirty, and thankless work of bettering the irredeemable, bit by bit, piece by piece, so that one day you may draw a breath and feel just a bit of that weight eased.

But no, he was just a victim all along. He has no agency, his self-actualisation is lost on him, he was never responsible for himself. It feels like one of Dragon Age's most complex characters has been flattened down into cardboard.

[elllisaaa]

skz as love songs

-> pairing : skz x fem!reader

-> words count : 3.1k words

-> genre : fluff, hurt/comfort

-> sorry for any mistakes, english is not my first language.

-> reblogs and feedbacks are appreciated !

-> author's note : i really enjoyed writing this, and i might have some ideas for longer fics based on songs because of this event lmao ! hope you will like this as much as i liked writing it !

-> masterlist | skz masterlist | 1k event masterlist

BANGCHAN

-> All of Me by John Legends  

"love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections"

→ You know that everytime you doubt yourself, you can count on Chan to remind you of your value, of how beautiful you are. In his eyes, you’re the prettiest girl in the world, the prettiest girl he’s ever seen. So he never understood how you could not see how incredible you were, how you could not see how perfect you were. 

“- But I’m not perfect…”

That’s what you always answer him everytime he tells you that, and everytime, he argues the same thing. 

“- Yes, but even your flaws are perfect, because you work on yourself and try to be a better person every time you make a mistake.”

And what can you say ? If you’re perfect, then Chan always has the perfect word to remind you of that, and the perfect hugs to comfort you. 

"‘cause I give you all of me, and you give me all of you"

→ Because when Chan loves, it’s with his whole heart, his whole soul. When he falls in love, he falls in deep, he falls in forever. Just like he throws himself in work because he’s so passionate about it, he gives his all for his relationship, he does whatever it takes to treat you right. 

“- Channie, you didn’t have to do all that…”

You were surrounded by candles and rose petals as you walked into your kitchen, your favorite meals on the counter, apparently homemade, and Chan standing in a suit in front of you, a warm smile on his face. 

“- Yes, I had to. I had to show you how grateful I am to spend another year with you, because you make me so happy.”

And that’s an understatement. Everytime you kiss him, he feels like the luckiest man on earth. One day, he knows that he’ll marry you. One day, he knows that he’ll have a family with you. One day, you’ll really hold his whole life in your hands, even if you already are with the way you make his heart beat and come alive. 

LEE MINHO

-> Cardigan by Taylor Swift

"you drew stars around my scars, but now I’m bleeding"

→ Minho has always watched you very closely, knows every little shift in your mood just by your body language. He had learned every little part of you like the moves of his favorite choreo, one he’ll never get tired of, one he’ll never forget. He had taken care of you when you were at your lowest, always reminding you that it was okay not to be okay sometimes. 

“- I’m sorry…

- You don’t have to be sorry for that sweetheart, it’s normal to be sad sometimes but just remember that I will always be there to support you.”

It’s like his words were magical, as if without you needing to tell him all about what you had been going through, he already knew it all. Sometimes, you wondered if Minho was an angel, because one touch from him, one word from him, and suddenly it was like you were healed. 

“- Being weak is not a bad thing, it’s what makes you stronger.”

If only he knew how grateful you were to have him, because he was truly helping you become more confident and overcome your past. 

"I knew you’d come back to me"

→ Sometimes, he’d have his bad times too. And even if he encouraged you to open up about it, he couldn’t follow his own advice and distanced himself from you. Minho would not be very talkative, nor would he seek your affection like he normally would. But just as much as he’s patient with you, you are with him and he’s grateful that you understand that he needs time for himself. 

“- Can I be the little spoon tonight ?”

You smile at his question, and that’s all Minho needs to bury his face in your chest, sighing in relief when you hold him tight against you and run your fingers through his hair. 

“- Are you ready to talk about it ?”

Mimicking you, he nodded and took some time to think before telling you what was on his mind these past days. Minho’s love was like a little cocoon, a shelter far away from the world, where you could be honest with each other and spend everyday basking in each other's presence. Sometimes, love doesn’t need words. 

SEO CHANGBIN

-> I Think I’m In Love by Kat Dahlia

"I didn’t think it could be true, let alone that it would be you"

→ It’s not that Changbin doesn’t believe in love, that’s quite the opposite actually, but more so that he doesn’t have the time to think about it because of his job. But the day he met you, it was like fate giving him a sign, telling him that love wasn’t going to stay out of his life anymore. And as much as he tried to contain himself, he came to realize that maybe, he should let you enter in his heart. 

“- Do you feel the same ?”

Your glazed eyes plunged in his, and even if Changbin knew you were a little drunk, he couldn’t help his heartbeat to fasten.

“- I don’t know, what are you talking about ?

- Love.”

You out of all the people he knew was the least he expected to fall for, and even less to feel the same about him. But he wasn’t mad about it. In the end, love was never logical. 

"baby, I’m falling, I hope you catch me when I’ll land"

→ It’s how it felt to be with you : falling. Changbin never thought that the expression falling in love could one day find a literal meaning, but he was wrong. And Changbin also never thought that he would love this sensation, and he was wrong again. 

“- Are you okay Binnie ?”

He lifted his head to look at you, smiling at him so sweetly he felt like a teenager all over again. 

“- Yes… I was just thinking.

- About what ?

- How grateful I am to have you by my side.”

It was Changbin’s turn to smile when he saw your cheeks redden. But he had never been more serious. Because yes, it was a little scary to dive into the unknown like that, but it was also exciting to go for new adventures. Moreover, it was the firm conviction that you would be there with him, that you were falling with him, for him, that made it so beautiful to be in love with you.

HWANG HYUNJIN

-> Infinity by Jaymes Young

"baby this love, I’ll never let it die"

→ Hyunjin had always been a hopeless romantic, dreaming about living a fairytale since he was child. He viewed love as something enchanting, thrilling and ultimately beautiful. Nothing could ever deter him from chasing after you, because he knew for a fact that you were the love of his life, his soulmate. He knew it since the day you met, knew it since the first time your eyes crossed.

“- Don’t cry princess, I will be back in no time.

- I know, but still… I’m gonna miss you like crazy.”

It was the same thing every time he prepared to leave. No matter if it was for several months or just a few days. Everytime, it felt so wrong to be away from him, and he felt exactly the same. It was just another proof that you were made for him.

“- Me too, but we’re stronger than that, you know it. We’ll always figure it out, we’ll always find a way. As long as you’re mine and I’m yours, everything will be alright.”

Loving Hyunjin was like that sometimes, like the feeling of having finally found your home.

"‘cause you’re the reason I believe in fate, you’re my paradise." 

→ As an artist, Hyunjin had tons of sketchbooks filled with drawings of you. He liked to say that you were his muse, because even though he was not representing you, every piece of art he made was ultimately inspired by your person. It could be something you loved, some art style you told him you appreciated. In the end, everything was linked to you. 

“- Thank you for doing this for me princess, it means a lot to me.”

You kissed his cheek with a big smile on your face, admiring the painting of you he just finished and for which you posed for hours, sparkles in your eyes.

“- I’m always happy to help you create, and everytime it turns out amazing. I’m honored to be your inspiration !”

But you were so much more than that. You were his reason to live. You were his other half. You were the reason the colors were so bright in his world. You were the reason he felt everything so hard. 

“- You’re not my inspiration, you’re my muse.”

And he meant even above art. He would do everything in his power to keep you by his side forever. 

HAN JISUNG

-> It’s U by Cavetown

"if you’re hurt, then I’ll fix you, if you’re blind, then I’ll describe the view." 

→ Life has not always been peaceful for Jisung. Sometimes, it was hard to even go out and see other people. Sometimes, it was hard to even talk to someone else. But when it came to you, everything felt so easy, everything felt so natural. You were always willing to help him, to support him through his worst states. 

“- I’m bothering you, you have work to do. 

- Baby, look at me.”

Jisung obeyed and stared at your soft gaze, feeling tears pricking his eyes again. He wanted to stay here in your arms forever and never have to face reality ever again. 

“- You’re more important than everything else. I’ll always be there for you. Whenever you need me, just call, and I’ll be right by your side. You can count on me.”

And you knew you could count on him too. When you were too tired to do the dishes or the laundry, he’ll do it for you. When he was too tired to wash his hair or take off his makeup, you’ll do it for him. Everything you did for him, he’ll do it for you too. 

“- Thank you.”

Jisung often felt the need to tell you how grateful he was to have you in his life. Loving you was like being all cuddled in a warm blanket with a hot chocolate during a cold winter day. Loving you was comfortable. 

"it’s always been you."

→ He always made fun of his friends who loved to watch these silly romantic movies where the main characters fell in love at first sight, believing that it was not real and could never happen, especially to him. But you came into his life like a hurricane, and suddenly, everything turned upside down. 

“- When did you start liking me ?”

You pretended to think about it for several minutes, too long for Jisung who whined at you for being so mean to him, making you giggle so cutely. 

“- I’m joking baby ! I have liked you since Chan introduced you to me. You were very charming, you know… 

- You were more charming, gorgeous, beautiful. I was starstruck.”

Jisung grinned as you blushed from his compliments, but deep down, he felt butterflies erupting in his stomach all over again, just like the first time he saw you. He needed reassurance often, but when you said that type of thing, he was convinced that destiny had plans for the two of you. Even before he had known you, it had always been you. 

LEE FELIX

-> In Luv With U by Finn

"I’m in love with you, more than summer and afternoons."

→ You came into Felix’s life like a sunset on a warm morning, with the sound of waves crashing on the beach echoing in the distance and the scent of the sea. It was like summer love. It was soft, natural, without overcomplication. You didn’t think too much of what was happening between the two of you, and neither Felix did. All he wanted was to make the most of your time together.

“- You can open your eyes.”

As you listened to his whispered command, you discovered that he had laid a blanket on the sand and that a picnic was laying on top of it. You turned around to smile at Felix.

“- You prepared all that just for me ?

- Why wouldn’t I ?”

You only kissed him by way of answer, running excitedly to sit on the blanket while Felix contemplated your figure from where he was standing behind you. Yeah, why wouldn’t he do that for you when you brought sunshine back in his life ? And to say that he didn’t do the same to you would be a lie. You were a perfect match. 

"I don’t know where I belong anymore, I belong to you."

→ There were times during which Felix didn’t know if he made the right choices. He was the most positive person you knew, but sometimes, doubt overcame him anyway. But even when he was lost, Felix knew that he had someone to rely on, someone to talk to, someone to ease all his worries. Everytime, it felt like he was letting you see his raw emotions, but you never made him feel ashamed for that. 

“- It’s okay to feel like that sometimes Lixie, and I know that you’re strong and that you’ll figure it out. You always figure it out.”

Even if he wanted to believe it, you could see that a shadow was still casting the beautiful light of his eyes. 

“- And if I don’t ?

- Then I’ll be there to help you, and we’ll do that together.”

You smiled when you saw his own tugging at his lips. You were always here to remind him that no matter what happened, you would always be there. You were his focal point when he was lost, reaching out a hand for him to take and bring him back home, bring him back to you. 

KIM SEUNGMIN

-> Paris in the Rain by Lauv

"‘cause anywhere with you feels right, anywhere with you feels like Paris in the rain."

→ The first time Seungmin got to Paris, it was because of work, and he knew that you would love it here. So the next time he came to visit the city, it was with you. He spent the whole trip looking at you all excited about all the things you wanted to do, looking at you like you were holding his whole world in your hands. And you kind of were. 

“- Isn’t the view incredible !? I can’t believe some people get to see that everyday…

- You’re more pretty to look at, and I’m so lucky to be the only one seeing you every morning and every night.”

The blush creeping on your cheeks didn’t hold you back from returning the compliment. Seungmin didn’t know if it was the atmosphere, or the fact that it was the first time he had the chance to take you on a trip, but he felt his heart swell just knowing that he had you all for himself, that you were here with him and only him. 

“- You’re so cheesy…

- Yeah, but you love me.”

And neither of you could hold back the smiles stretching out your lips. 

"I look at you now and I want this forever."

→ It wasn’t rare for Seungmin to call you his wife in his head. In fact, he referred to you as that a lot as a joke, even when you were with other people. And everytime, both of you would laugh it off, even if you couldn’t help loving the idea of this silly little antic becoming reality. Because you knew your boyfriend like the back of your hand, you noticed how his ears and cheeks grew red as he introduced you to some of his friends as his wife. You smiled sweetly, not correcting him, but waited until later to talk about it.

“- So… Where’s my ring ?”

Again, Seungmin felt himself blush and whined, burying his head in the crook of your neck to hide his embarrassment. 

“- I’m sorry love, it just slipped from my mouth.”

He knew that he was going to marry you one day, but he didn’t want to rush things and scare you, hell, he didn’t even decide on a ring to buy you. He wanted to wait a little longer to be sure that you weren’t a dream that will soon vanish.

“- Well, I don’t mind it as long as I really become your wife.

- I love the sound of that.”

And you did too. Seungmin couldn’t wait to be yours forever, because that’s all he ever wanted. 

YANG JEONGIN

-> Dancing in a Daydream by Roses & Revolution

"it’s you and me, dancing in a daydream, just you and me, lost in the clouds."

→ Pushing open the door of your apartment, the smell of food hit Jeongin as soon as he stepped a foot inside, a smile spreading on his lips as he heard you greeting him from the kitchen. He quickly discarded his jacket and shoes before joining you, sliding his arms around your waist and spooning you into a back hug as you continued to chop off vegetables. 

“- How was your day baby ?

- Exhausting… All I wanted was to be home with you, couldn’t stop thinking about coming home.”

You nobbed your head along, sliding the vegetables in your pan before turning around and cupping his face.

“- Well, you’re with me now, nothing to worry about anymore.”

Jeongin hummed happily, burying his face in your hair and holding you tight against him. Yes, just you and him, it was all he needed. 

"and if I open my eyes, if I open my eyes, will it all unravel ?"

→ Jeongin tried to be as sneaky as possible in order to not wake you up as he got out of bed and went to the kitchen. He grabbed a glass and filled it up with cold water, hoping that it would help him get over this bad dream. It happened rarely, but when it did, it was always very frightening. He almost didn’t notice when you joined him, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes.

“- What are you doing awake baby ?

- I… I just had a nightmare, don’t worry.

- You want to talk about it ?”

You sat down with him on the couch, straddling his lap and running your hands through his hair to soothe him.

“- It’s stupid really… I was coming home and you were not there, and I searched for you everywhere and couldn’t find you. It was as if you never existed. It was so scary, I felt so lost without you.

- But I’m here, yeah ? I’ll always be there, I promise, I’m not going to disappear.”

Jeongin smiled at you before he kissed you softly. Sometimes, it was hard to believe that you were his, because you were such a dream come true, and he wished to keep you by his side as long as you’ll let him.

-> i don't allow any copies, reposts or translations of my work.

skz taglist (fill in this to be added) :

@binwons @minnies-babie @yoongles2025 @thicccurls @caitlyn98s @hildaortara @sharonxdevi

[jinxedjackie]

Going to ramble for a bit but I hope we’ll get a Sevika backstory in season two or, at least, something about her family or values other than her loyalty to the cause. Arcane is all about family and, if I recall correctly, she’s the only character in Arcane who doesn’t have any familial ties (Viktor sorta has Singed, Heimerdinger sorta has the council and Piltover(??)… but Ig, if you think about it, Sevika has Zaun?) (But maybe later when she starts to mentor Jinx?)

Might go on a tangent here and ramble about some things and head canons but…

It kind of makes me wonder if Sevika wants to have a family of her own? Or, maybe, take the orphans roaming around the streets of Zaun under her wing? Maybe she could train and provide for them in ways her parents and society had failed to do. Zaun is all she has left, her family, and it’s one of the reasons that drives her to fight.

Blinded by her loyalty to Zaun’s liberation and independence, she leaves Vander, and chooses Silco, because Silco isn’t pliant to the enforcers’ whims and isn’t afraid to fight back. He doesn’t leave Zaun to bleed. She knows that sometimes it’s better to back down than fight, but Vander had to know when enough is enough.

She doesn’t let the repercussions of Silco’s actions and the effects of shimmer affect her. Even if guilt incessantly gnawed at her heart. You grow through suffering and sacrifices because it drives progress — that’s what she’s learned all throughout her life, when her father broke her nose and arm for being scared to throw a punch, when her mother taught her to nurse a broken bone and ask her to understand why her father did it, when she had to sacrifice her own youth because she had to fend for herself. This is good for them. The children of Zaun will learn. It’s also why, when she lost her arm, she doesn’t blame Jinx and her very idiotic makeshift monkey bomb. (Even if the little shit annoys the fuck out of her.) Her arm was just a small sacrifice to pay. If she hadn’t protected Silco, Zaun would’ve bled to death, and the topside would’ve never notice, continuing to dance over Zaun’s grave. It’s the least she could do, the least she could offer. She’d give her life, too, if she could. Anything and everything for Zaun.

It’s one step forward to freedom but two steps backward in civilization (because shimmer is shit and eats you from the inside out, but it’s what keeping her and Zaun alive, unfortunately) but it’s still progress and also a big fuck you to Piltover, and that’s what matters. She, Silco, and shimmer are necessarily evils. She starts to understand why her father was rough with her.

Anyway, on a sorta related note, do you ever wonder if Sevika sees herself and her father in Jinx and Silco, has thought of asking Silco to stop whatever mind games he’s doing with Jinx or to be gentle with her, at the very least (because she doesn’t know anything. Because she’s just a kid. A brat. She’s lost) but when she faces Silco all she sees is her father towering over her with the same disapproving and angry look that’s etched forever in her mind since she was five?

Also… what if, after everything has resolved and she’s done all she could for Zaun, she settles down and finally allows herself to prioritize herself and her happiness? She gets a small house, maybe somewhere in the forest. Finds herself a wife and two or three kids to adopt. But then, before she could achieve that she d—

—

It’s kind of all over the place but, um, please don’t mind me. I wanted to ramble about Sevika wanting a family but getting scared of having kids bc she doesn’t want them to go through what she experienced, and then it turned to this. Lol

[inalandofsadclowns]

Aight, who wants to talk about the theoretically most optimal occasion for Merlin to come out about his magic to Arthur?

I'll go first: 1x10, Ealdor.

In the prior episodes Merlin was basically still getting to know Arthur. For eight episodes he was the brave and noble prince that Merlin had grown to respect, because Arthur apparently did not value his own life any higher than that of a servant, but who was also the son of Uther Pendragon. Arthur would save Merlin at any price, he got to learn that multiple times. But would he save a sorcerer? He couldn't know. (This question remained even when Arthur had lifted Merlin's sorcery allegations.)

But in 1x08 Arthur knowingly broke the law saving Mordred, a druid; he was in fact more devoted to the cause than Merlin himself.

For Merlin to reveal his secret he needs three prerequisites to exist:

To trust Arthur

The opportunity

To be prepared to leave Arthur forever

The Moment of Truth might just be the only episode where all these exist?

Let's look through these points one by one.

1.Merlin had been wanting for Arthur to know since forever. There's nothing he wants more desperately than to know if they're really, truly friends. Once he says to Will, he does trust him.

Will: Friends don't lord it over one another.

Merlin: He isn't like that.

Will: Really? Well, let's wait until the fighting begins and see who he sends in to die first. I guarantee you, it won't be him.

Merlin: I trust Arthur with my life.

And this gem here. The first time Merlin doesn't promise Hunith to keep Arthur in the dark.

Hunith: You can't let Arthur know about your gift.

Merlin: Why not? Maybe it's meant to be this way. And if he doesn't accept me for who I really am, then he's not the friend I hoped he was.

2. Opportunity. They have these several times throughout the series: fights for survival, heated arguments, quiet moments of vulnerability. There are several brilliant opportunities in this very episode.

The armor scene:

Merlin: Whatever happens out there today, please don't think any differently of me.

Arthur: I won't. It's alright to be scared, Merlin.

Merlin: That's not what I meant.

Arthur: What is it? If you've got something to say, now's the time to say it.

Oh. He tried. My boy tried, he was so close...My heart bleeds for him here.

Then, obviously, right after the battle.

Arthur: Wind like that doesn't just appear from nowhere. I know magic when I see it. One of you made that happen.

Merlin: Arthur...

Merlin just so manages to exhale Arthur's name with a so-so painful look in his eyes. Arthur knows what Merlin was about to say. Just for a moment, because Will gets shot saving Arthur.

He even tries to stop Will from taking the responsibility on his deathbed, even though Arthur knew, that the windstorm was conjured by one of them; if it wasn't Will, than that leaves only Merlin.

Will: Yeah, it was me. I'm the one that used the magic.

Merlin: Will, don't.

[Arthur looks at Merlin.]

3. The most important part. The greatest issue for Merlin has always been the threat of having to leave Arthur. But in this episode there is a cause just as important to him as Arthur - his village and his mother.

The first Merlin and Arthur exchange of the episode is Merlin saying goodbye to Arthur.

Merlin: It's been an honour serving you.

Arthur: You'll be coming back.

Merlin: Well, she's my mother. I have got to look after her before anyone else. You understand?

Then he was prepared to come clean for Ealdor's sake several times that day. Merlin is going to fight for his village, he's well prepared to use magic if needed - in front of Arthur, if needed, knowing full well that might be the last time they ever speak or meet. Whether Arthur forbids Merlin from returning to Camelot for Camelot's sake or Merlin's own sake, the result would be the same.

At the very end, even with his magic still a secret, he was going to stay in Ealdor with Hunith, had she not sent him after the others, so he really was prepared to part from Arthur.

[Arthur walks over to Morgana and Gwen. Hunith walks over to Merlin.]

Hunith: You better be going.

Merlin: I don't have to go.

Hunith: Yes, you do.

Merlin: If anything were to happen to you...

Hunith: I know where to find you. You have to go, Merlin. You belong at Arthur's side. I've seen how much he needs you. How much you need him. You're like two sides of the same coin.

That whole episode was Merlin attempting and failing to come out to Arthur.

After this, though, Merlin was too close to Arthur to ever consider prerequisite 3., other than in the form of dying for Arthur.

[chlobliviate]

Wolfstar Microfic - Azkaban

Words: 993

@wolfstarmicrofic

TW: suicidal ideation in a hyperbolic way

🌙✨🌙✨🌙

The first night that Sirius spent at Remus’ cottage after being ordered to ‘lie low’ there wasn’t ideal. Nobody wanted to wake up their ex-boyfriend with their night terrors. Nobody sane, anyway. Sirius wasn’t entirely sure which side of that line he fell on anymore, but when he woke up to Remus holding him to his chest and reminding him where he was, he hated himself.

By the time they moved to Grimmauld Place, it was established that Remus would tell Sirius a story about their time at Hogwarts as he fell asleep. This helped Sirius to remember, but it also helped with the night terrors, which they both suspected were some kind of lingering effect of the dementors.

Remus had his own room at Grimmauld Place, and he usually retreated to it once Sirius had fallen asleep, even though they’d shared a bed for months before that. It helped him to keep things separate. Telling Sirius stories about their teenage selves was hard at times. Remembering James and Lily, remembering Peter and remembering how in love they’d been. He didn’t know how much Sirius remembered of their relationship, but as most of his positive memories were taken, he probably remembered a lot of the last few months and not much else. He mostly stuck to stories about James and Sirius, or the four of them.

“Tell me about us.” Sirius had whispered after a few weeks, as Remus got comfortable next to him. “I know you’ve been avoiding those stories.”

“I didn’t know if you’d want to hear them,” Remus said. “Or what you remember.”

“I remember shouting at you in the shack and there was blood, but I don’t remember why.” Sirius said, “That seems like an important one but I can’t get to most of it. Tell me that one?”

Remus chuckled, knowing the exact memory he meant. “Alright. So, this was about a month after Lily agreed to go out with James.”

🌙✨🌙✨🌙

“Moony!” Sirius sounded frantic as Remus struggled to open his eyes. “Can you hear me?”

“Unfortunately.” Remus groaned. Sirius was shirtless, and covered in blood. He looked up at Sirius, panicked. “The fuck did I do? Are you ok?”

“I can’t stop your shoulder from bleeding. What do I do? James has gone to get Madam Pomfrey but you’re —”

“Oh, it’s mine? Just leave it.” Remus’ eyes shut again, “I’ll sleep it off. It’ll be alright.”

“You can’t sleep off blood loss you unbelievable prick. Wake up!” Sirius shook his uninjured shoulder slightly, pressing his shirt against the wound on the other.

“Sirius.” Remus growled, “Shake me again and you’ll wish you were dealing with the wolf.”

“Sit up!” Sirius ignored him. “You can’t go back to sleep.”

“It’s fine.” Remus’ eyes closed again.

Sirius snapped, “It’s not fucking fine, Remus! Sit up and open your eyes.” Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist and hauled him into a sitting position before reapplying pressure to his shoulder. He felt Remus smile against his shoulder.

“If you wanted to wrap your arms around me, all you had to do is ask, Padfoot.” He said, and Sirius swore that Remus’ teeth grazed his shoulder. “I think all you can do is apply pressure and hope for the best. I’ve got a lot of blood.”

“Moony, I love you, but when you’re not bleeding profusely in my arms, I’m going to be so fucking angry with you. ‘I’ve got a lot of blood’ is not— No, you don’t. You have the same amount of blood as anyone else, you wanker. Sometimes it’s like you don’t value your life.”

Remus, half-conscious as he was, felt very called out. “My life doesn’t have much value, to be fair.”

Sirius inhaled sharply, “No. Because you don’t have people around you that would do anything for you. You’re not a fucking wizard. Your life has no value.” He said sarcastically.

“Didn’t mean it like that, Pads.” He mumbled. “Don’t.”

“Then how did you mean it?” He shouted. He would have walked out if he didn’t know that Remus wouldn’t be able to hold the shirt on his shoulder.

“Well, I love you too, by the way.” Sirius almost dropped the shirt as Remus’ eyes closed again. “When you have no choice but to turn into a monster once a month and repeatedly take chunks out of yourself, you can judge the way I cope with it. I’m in a lot of fucking pain and I just want to sleep. Thank you for helping, as always, I appreciate it. I’m just so tired.”

“No.” Sirius poked his cheek until his eyes opened again. He looked mutinous. “You're going to stay awake. I think I can hear them in the passage. Once you’re patched up, you can sleep.”

“You’re going to make me talk about this later aren’t you?” His eyes almost closed again, but he managed to open them and blink a few times.

“Of course I am.” Sirius could feel his heart pounding in his head.

"You could just focus on the love part, and not the hyperbolically suicidal part, if you wanted.”

“We’ll see.” Sirius tried so hard not to smile. “If you tell me again when I’m not covered in your blood, I’ll think about it.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Remus said as Madam Pomfrey burst through the door, followed by James, who took one look at Sirius and almost threw up.

🌙✨🌙✨🌙

“So when I got out of the hospital wing, I couldn’t wait, I pulled you behind a tapestry on the way to Charms and told you I loved you again. You were still pissed off, but I convinced you that I was pretty determined to stay alive.” He looked down at Sirius who was asleep. “You don’t know how much you’ve always helped with that.”

He considered going back to his room, but eventually slipped beneath Sirius’ duvet and curled up against his back, wrapping an arm around his waist.

[cb-writes-stuff]

I just had a thought.

What if “Scylla” is from Scylla’s perspective? Think about it. We hear Scylla singing in the beginning, but neither Odysseus nor the rest of the crew reacts. Because she’s watching them, they’re sailing through her lair.

“You know that we are the same.” … “You hide a reason for shame.” She’s observing Odysseus, seeing that he’s the leader, that he knows what’s up, and that he’s willing to make sacrifices.

“Leaving them feeling betrayed, breaking the bonds that you made,” … “There is no price we won’t pay.” She does horrible things to live, snatching men from passing ships and consuming them. “We both know what it takes to survive.” She had to cross lines and learn how to survive, and she recognizes the need for the same in Odysseus.

“We only care for ourselves.” She recognizes that all that matters is their own—for Scylla, that’s herself, and for Odysseus, that’s his family.

Here, the music recedes a bit, and Scylla sings the line differently than the others. She heard Odysseus give the order to light six torches, and what she’s only been assuming thus far is confirmed. “We’re lonely demons from hell.” Until this point, Scylla only sang in one voice, with one head, showing a human-like appearance. But now she sings in several voices with all her heads. She reflects what Odysseus did by giving that order, showing who she is “Deep down”—a monster—and bringing it to the surface.

As indicated by Eurylochus’s line, “Captain. Something approaches,” she starts approaching the ships. Before, no one noticed her; she observed unseen, hence why no one reacted to her singing. She then greets Odysseus almost politely, as one would a peer or an equal. “Hello.”

Odysseus shouts at the crew to “Row for your lives!” Scylla pursues, claiming the sacrifices one by one, as can be heard throughout her verse. She sees that Odysseus is running, failing to completely be the monster that he is. So, while she feasts, she tells him what it means to be a monster, but also gives him advice on how to live as a monster, how to live with himself.

“Drown in your sorrow and fears. Choke on your blood and your tears. Bleed ‘til you’ve run out of years.” Essentially, she’s saying “Go ahead, cry about it.” She says those things rhetorically, presenting them as options neither of them actually have, because “We must do what it takes to survive.” As monsters, they must survive. Giving up is not an option.

“Give up your honor and faith.” She stopped caring about right and wrong. She sees that Odysseus is a soldier with strong moral values, and that he must do the same and abandon those values. “Live out your life as a wraith.” Life is hardly worth living anymore, for her. But she’s come too far to simply let herself die. So she’s become an empty husk of herself, surviving for the sake of it. Odysseus will inevitably need to do the same. “Die in the blood where you bathe.” A reference to her transformation into her current state. The old Scylla died in that moment, leaving only the monster. War is sometimes called a “bloodbath”, and Scylla suggests that Odysseus has already killed so many that his journey could be considered one. He must undergo a similar transformation, letting the old Odysseus die (which he has not completely done yet) and embracing the new monster. She then reinforces the reason for doing these things: “We must do what it takes to survive.”

Finally, she talks to Odysseus directly. “We are the same you and, I.” Odysseus responds, harmonizing at “I”, meaning he can hear her. He can’t bear to admit what he is, since he still hasn’t fully become the monster he declared himself to be, which is why he doesn’t harmonize for the entire line.

I am such a nerd for this musical. Still, I don’t get everything right. Feel free to add anything or correct me in the comments.

[kaurwreck]

Oh I loved your post about the whole guild arc and ADA&PM complicated relationship, that was beautifully written and it captured everything that I couldn't put it into words myself.

And the way you talked about Mori? Thank you, thank you thank you! While I'm don't mind the fandom misinterpretation of characters, it was quite refreshing to see someone talk about Mori as a human being that's not purely evil.

Now if you if you don't mind.. I need to know your opinion on this hypothetical theory: that Mori regrets everything he has done to Dazai and Yosano (this is canon) and he is actually trying to change and do better (the hypothetical part).

This is why he wants both Dazai and Yosano back, other than the fact that he cares for them, he also wants to try again and do better.

My reason for saying this is:

Looking at chaptet 14, if everything is taken at face value, when Mori makes the strategic decision to sacrifice Akutagawa for avoiding an all-out turf and keeping peace, it's really similar with how he sacrificed Oda to avoid bigger conflicts in future**.

But while looking at the meeting Higuchi had with Mori at the start of the chapter, somethings bothered me 1) Mori's inscrutable stare at Higuchi's reaction when he mentioned the possibility of Akutagawa not recovering 2)how Mori specifically lets Higuchi to know what will becomes of Akutagawa's situation and what PM's solution for it would be.

This made me think Mori knew what action Higuchi would take later and was counting on it. Plus I'm pretty sure Mori knows Akutagawa and Gin are siblings, so he also knew Gin also would go save her brother.

And I find it odd how in this chapter everything got resolved with 1)PM winning and their enemies destroyed 2)PM managed to take back their stolen agent 3)the whole thing was in the end just a squabble between agents and nothing more.

What I'm trying to say is, I like to think Mori values his agents more now and wouldn't just sacrifice them in a cold and calculating scheme. Maybe I'm reading to much into things here...

(**I know comparing the dark era situation with Oda and chapter 14 like this isn't quite right but that's the only frame of reference I could think of)

anon thank you <3 I don't get why people want him to be pure evil. it's so much more fucked up and richly acidic that he loves fiercely and jealously and feels their loss like a brain bleed.

i don't think he regrets it though. he says as such to hirotsu with regard to dazai while staring at the old boss's bed. he'd do the same, again and again and again. what he did re: the great war was try to stop war; and because of what he did re: mimic, yosano and dazai live in a world where they are safe and loved and driven to save and love others. mori may want them back, but mori wants lots of things he can't have (control, ango's head on a spike, verlaine to stop smoking indoors). he can live with want. it's senseless loss of life that won't do.

also, re: akutagawa, yeah, i have no idea why people think mori would sacrifice akutagawa. like, even if you think mori is evil, like. why would he do that. to what end.

but!!!!!!!!!! anon, you've misunderstood our wife. mori didn't make a strategic decision to sacrifice akutagawa either. mori made the strategic decision to surround akutagawa with people who won't let him self destruct. mori is aware that akutagawa is a horse hellbent on breaking his own legs, and he accounts for it.

and it's not because he's changing. he doesn't need to change, there isn't anything wrong with him. that is how he loves; he meets the needs of his people by placing with others and in positions where they have a support network. this is literally canon, like, it is both illustrated and exposited in stormbringer, and also literally every arc.

mari mori wrote about this trait of irl mori's btw:

"It was not his fault if his love, despite its depth and greatness, lacked warmth. Like a creature carrying its shell, he had this lump inside him and yet he loved people. I can see this clearly in my mind's eye."

he's also always valued his people. when the flags were killed, mori attended their funerals with their families. re: oda, mimic was destabilizing the city and killing his people. mimic was an existential threat who wouldn't stop until they got what they wanted. the special division backed mori into a corner by predicating legitimacy and his capacity to realize the entire point of him spending years in the grime and bloodshed that was seizing control of the port mafia on him demonstrating that the port mafia could contain the violence. and they had JUST started to recover from the dragon head conflict. it wasn't cold or calculating, it was a trolley problem and mori doesn't love it when the french kill his people en masse, which is a thing that keeps happening to him.

anyway, below i explain why mori was livid at higuchi. it has to do with higuchi being a horse girl.

Akutagawa kills the way pet dogs and cats do when allowed to free roam, which is superfluously and way outside of the scope of necessity. He quite literally violates his express orders from Mori so frequently that Mori says, "Besides, Akutagawa-kun has always been that way. Going rogue, destroying everything in his path, and contributing the most in the end. One could say he has a knack for it. There's no need to punish him as long as he keeps succeeding."

Consider what "succeeding" means in the context of that particular quote from Mori— Akutagawa has both protected the city and himself survived it. The only time Mori has remarked that Akutagawa failed, it's not only that Akutagawa did not traffic Atsushi, it's that he lost himself, engaged in relentless violence without any regard for his own life, and blew up in a ship because of it. And he did it for nothing. Nothing was gained from him nearly self immolating. There was no purpose to it. Not only has Akutagawa potentially rendered himself permanently comatose, but he did so in such a way that invited others to come finish the job, and Mori can't act to protect him without risking greater escalation.

Mori is furious, not because he considers Akutagawa expendable, because Akutagawa treated himself as if he were. He doesn't even call Akutagawa a liability; he says being retaliated against is a liability, Higuchi accuses him of calling Akutagawa a liability, and he affirms that Akutagawa is talented and his violence (their currency) outclasses anyone in the Port Mafia, and then asks her, "But what about you? Have you ever thought about whether you are suited for this work?"

Mori knows and values Akutagawa for who he is, but because he knows who Akutagawa is, he knows Akutagawa is prone to and invites violence onto himself. Higuchi has a skill, but not one that is apparent or combative. She is clumsy, not particularly skilled at fighting, and hopelessly silly. She also adores Akutagawa, she looks at him like he hung the moon, she trips over herself to attend to him. And, when she thought Byakko was about to kill Akutagawa, she intervened to draw it away from him, and when Akutagawa thought Byakko was about to kill her, he did not hesitate to lash out to kill before it could. He does not instinctively protect himself, that's much of what Dazai's acts of violence were meant to build from scratch, but he does instinctively protect Higuchi.

Mori is angry at Higuchi when she wasn't even on the ship with Akutagawa, and he remarks with utter disdain on the choices they made that led to that moment, including the raid on the Agency. He tells her Akutagawa is good at violence, but does she really think she's suited for it? Gin holds a knife to her throat, and Hirotsu reminds her that while she has the authority to command them, it isn't their titles that command their loyalty, it's their reverence for Akutagawa, and she should consider what there is for them to respect with Akutagawa unable to move. It's easy to construe this as suggesting they don't respect her or would be quick to kill one another if given the opportunity because they're scary, violent mafioso. Then, she flashes back to Akutagawa's deranged bombing of the smugglers. Which he did without her, she was running to catch him and insisting she was supposed to assist him, he tells her he doesn't need anyone, and then he scampers off to go make terrible choices. She reflects to herself that she isn't suited to the Mafia, that she sought to leave it but then stayed, evidently because of him. In the end, it's her stubbornness and willingness to rescue him that compels Black Lizard to not only join her but give her deference as their commander.

She is not suited to violence, but her authority in the Port Mafia is such that she only answers to Mori and Akutagawa.

irl!Higuchi added a special awareness of suffering and sensitivity in her exploration of low-life characters. That's what she's good at. She shouldn't forget it, those low-lifes need her.

(but also, literally, yeah; Gin is his little sister and Mori has ALWAYS trusted his silliest, most idiot babies to Hirotsu. Hirotsu is like that elderly gray wolf in yellowstone who just gave birth for the 10th time and uses her aged sagacity to keep the other wolves out of trouble. just like that wolf, Hirotsu is old as shit by Port Mafia standards. and has shown no evidence of menopause.)

[vynegar]

vyn 5th birthday ssr, part three

third part.

same disclaimers from part one (note the extra one from usual, regarding story content)

youtube link to ShiroNaya’s video of the card story

links to other parts: one two

more tot stuff here

do not repost

[PART THREE]

[23:58] Rooftop

The sun had mostly set below the horizon, dragging out long, inky shadows that snaked and twisted on the ground. Vyn stood at that boundary of light and dark. The ferocious wind ruffled his silver hair, but he gave no reaction whatsoever to Zheng Yan’s condemnations. I, on the other hand, grew tense as Zheng Yan approached us, but didn’t dare to do anything in case it provoked him.

Zheng Yan: Look at what you’ve done to me! And you won’t even admit that you did this?!

Vyn: If I were really the cold-hearted, fame-hungry person that you say I am, do you think that threatening your own life would affect me?

Vyn sighed quietly, as if Zheng Yan were not worth the trouble.

Vyn: If you were to actually die, how would you get your revenge?

Zheng Yan: I’m not looking for revenge. Without Xiao Zhuo, I have nothing left to live for… I just want justice. I want Xiao Zhuo to know his dad didn’t let him down again.

Vyn subtly started to approach him, but Zheng Yan noticed right away.

Zheng Yan: D-don’t come over here.

MC: Mr. Zheng, please calm down. I’m a lawyer from Themis Law Firm, and I’m here to help you. If there was any unlawful coercion during that interrogation, I can help you make sure they’re held liable for their actions. Dying won’t do anything – don’t you want the person who hurt you to pay?

Zheng Yan: That person is right next to you! You can help me sue him right now!

MC: The law values evidence, Mr. Zheng. We can leave and then take our time discussing this. There’s nothing that can’t discussed.

Zheng Yan: Evidence?! They didn’t have any evidence when they locked me up for years, so why care about it now?

Suddenly, Zheng Yan became enraged. Without any warning, he took a kitchen knife out from his pocket.

Vyn: Watch out!

There was a flash of silver. As the closest one to Zheng Yan, Vyn rushed forward without hesitation.

Vyn: James!

When Vyn inadvertently used Zheng Yan’s previous name, Zheng Yan froze. Taking advantage of that moment, Vyn wrested the knife away from him. As it fell to the ground with a clatter, several policemen rushed over and forced Zheng Yan to the ground.

Zheng Yan: Aaaggghh!!!

Vyn: …

Everything had happened so fast. Only when I heard Vyn’s nearly imperceptible groan did I realize there was blood dripping from between his fingers – he must have been injured in his haste to seize the knife from Zheng Yan. Vyn glanced at me and shook his head, as if to reassure me. Then he walked over to where Zheng Yan was pinned to the ground and kneeled down to look him in the eye.

Vyn: Considering how deep your grievance runs, dying like this will only bring pain to your loved ones and joy to your enemies.

Zheng Yan: That’s easy for you to say, but my loved ones are all dead!

Vyn: Even more reason for you to live a good life. Death is the path of a coward.

Vyn took out a handkerchief and wiped the blood on his hand, but some drops still fell to the ground. As those scarlet droplets bloomed, Zheng Yan fell silent, lost in his own thoughts.

[26:39] Home

Although we had stopped Zheng Yan’s attempt to livestream his suicide, to some extent it still had a harmful impact on society, and he had therefore been taken to the police station. Under Vyn’s continued insistence, we went directly home instead of to the hospital.

MC: You go ahead and get changed. I’ll grab the first aid kit.

Vyn’s precious white coat, originally clean as new, was now stained with dust and dirt. I also wanted to do something to distract myself instead of just sitting still.

Vyn: All right.

Vyn nodded and soon returned in a new set of clothes. He sat down on the sofa and, without my prompting, held his hand out to me. It was no longer bleeding since he had wiped his hand with his handkerchief. Only some dried up spots of blood remained.

Vyn: Ow…

MC: Are you okay? I’ll be gentler.

Vyn nodded. Just as he was about to speak, his phone rang. Vyn glanced at the notifications inundating the screen, then muted his phone with irritation. I knew without asking that as the situation with Zheng Yan exacerbated, there were countless eyes on Vyn. Questioning him, testing him, concerned for him… both sincere and not. And this was only the beginning.

Vyn: Zheng Yan…

Vyn murmured to himself. From the start, he had been quite conscious of the name.

MC: Do you have any suspicions about his name, Vyn?

Vyn: Names represent a recognition of one’s identity. Although my use of the name “James” was subconscious… Zheng Yan simply found it strange. It was as if he had never heard the name before. Even if he rejects the name because it elicits painful memories for him, he should have reacted with anger, not apathy.

I vividly remembered Zheng Yan’s reaction. It was precisely because he reacted that way that made it possible for Vyn to stop a tragedy from happening.

Vyn: Did I…

MC: What is it? Did you think of something?

Vyn: The first time I met James, I conducted a cursory psychological evaluation of him. The trick I used to obtain his testimony and solve the case was based on those conclusions. Looking at his condition now, however, it seems his situation is more complicated than I thought. Did I… miss something back then?

It was a period of time that I wasn’t a part of, and Vyn’s current doubts seemed like the best key to unlocking those dusty memories of the past.

MC: Do you want to tell me what happened back then, Vyn? No matter who was at fault, first we have to figure out where the problem truly lies.

Vyn hesitated, then shifted to a more comfortable position.

Vyn: It happened when I was about to graduate with my doctorate…

As he spoke, his soft voice surrounded us like sudden rain in the night, swirling in atmosphere and washing us away.

[flashback]

[28:55] File Room

The rain had continued for several days now. Even though Vyn had left early, he still barely made it on time to the police station. With his umbrella still dripping, he rushed inside without stopping to shake the rainwater off it.

Professor Ferenc: You’re right on time, Vilhelm.

As requested by his teacher, Vyn stopped by the file room to discuss his plan before entering the interrogation room. Professor Ferenc, who was leaning against the wall with a cup of coffee in his hand, calmly took a sip then sized Vyn up in a teasing manner. Vyn directly sat down without resting his back against the chair, ignoring his professor’s actions.

Professor Ferenc: Muddy shoes and wet pants, is this really how you’re going to walk into your first solo psychology consult?

Vyn: The knowledge is stored in my head, Professor. My appearance is irrelevant. Moreover, I saw in the dossier that the suspect shows clear signs of NPD. An unkempt appearance may have the effect of lowering his guard.

Ferenc was always like this, so Vyn was well-accustomed to responding.

Professor Ferenc: Lack of empathy, extreme self-confidence, as well as extreme arrogance… He does seem to fit the signs of narcissistic personality disorder. Detective Jack asked me just now if it was too risky to let you handle this case alone, but I told him to have a little faith.

Vyn: He is not wrong to worry. You have much more experience, Professor, and the suspect’s custody limit is about to expire… If I fail, you may not even be able to salvage the situation afterwards. His escape is a real possibility.

Professor Ferenc: Hey, what happened to that calm logic from before? Suddenly you’ve lost confidence in yourself! This man James is from Stellis, and you’re basically half from Stellis too, so starting from that common ground is bound to help.

It was a stretch, but Vyn didn’t say anything. He already had his doctorate, but he was still uncertain about his future path. The Church of Svart was unequivocal in its opposition toward the aristocracy studying psychology. Vyn’s current actions could still be considered inconsequential, but his journey was far from over.

If he continued down this path, he would face obstacles in the form of his father, his family, and the Church. Was he truly prepared for that? Presumably, his professor hoped that this experience could give Vyn some kind of inspiration. The decision was gradually approaching, and he couldn’t ignore it forever.

Vyn: I am simply stating the facts.

Ferenc shook his head; this was typical behavior from his precious student, and he was accustomed to it as well.

Professor Ferenc: Vilhelm, you tend to view things objectively, which is a valuable trait for psychology research. But when it comes to your personal life, it can seem a little… distant?

It was not the first time Ferenc had said this. Vyn merely furrowed his brow slightly, refraining from a response.

Professor Ferenc: I have full confidence in you, but Detective Jack wants an idea of what your plan is.

Vyn: I do not have one.

Professor Ferenc: Eh?

Vyn’s words often left people flabbergasted, but the blunt honesty of this answer made Ferenc’s jaw drop in shock.

Vyn: Murderers are commonly diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, which often manifests as impulsive homicide (1). This suspect, however, clearly premeditated this. Aside from the vagueness of his alibi, it could be considered the perfect crime. You can tell from the recordings that he has meticulously deduced what the police would question him about, leaving no holes in his statement. My thinking is that instead of searching for those holes that may not even exist, we may as well not plan anything in advance. For someone with NPD, there is nothing more infuriating… than having a perfect murder they take so much pride in be crudely discredited as an impulsive homicide.

As Vyn spoke calmly and assuredly, Ferenc listened in silence save for his sips of coffee. Vyn stopped him as he was about to refill his cup.

Vyn: Oh, maybe you should stop drinking. I heard that the suspect wanted coffee – I can bring him the rest of this.

Vyn nodded at his professor then checked his watch again. After pouring a cup of coffee, he turned to leave, the hem of his white coat fluttering with the motion. As Ferenc watched him, he dimly recalled the first time he met Vyn. Vyn was still young and inexperienced at the time, yet his golden eyes were strikingly bright. The path he was on was a rough one, but finally he was off to further his journey.

[32:52] Outside the Interrogation Room

When Vyn grasped the doorknob to the investigation room, the cold touch of metal made him subconsciously tighten his grip on the glass cup he was holding. He had laid out everything so systematically with Ferenc, but now that it was the moment of truth, his heartbeat involuntarily quickened. This is probably from nervousness, he thought to himself as he opened the door and entered.

Vyn: Hello, James. Here is your coffee.

[33:12] Interrogation Room

Thunder roared in the distance, but the atmosphere in the room was stagnant. Based on his precise psychological profile of him, Vyn intentionally interrupted James over and over and mischaracterized his perfect plan as shoddy. It was exactly what James found unbearable, and finally he lost his composure.

James: Shut up! Hah, you have no idea what you’re talking about. How could I use a knife? Only a fool would think of method like that… The real murder weapon was an icicle that I custom-made. It didn’t have to be that sharp, just enough to slowly pierce the skin… I bet you’ve never heard the unique sound of ice rubbing against flesh before. It’s marvelous.

He closed his eyes, as if savoring that scraping sound. His lips curled in satisfaction.

James: No one could imagine it, and no one could find it. Even the puddle it’s melted into has long since merged with the rain.

It was an exquisite design. He had created a locked room, but opened the window to utilize the storm as a way to destroy much of the evidence.

Vyn: But it is all over now. You are correct – I did not know your plan, and I was unable to guess what the murder weapon was exactly. What we did know was the murderer, so… Thank you for telling us the truth. You are indeed smarter than we are.

James: You?!

James’s outburst was unexpected. He suddenly grabbed the coffee cup from the table and threw it. A rumble of thunder coincided with the “crash” of the cup, and the glass shattered on impact, glittering coldly in the dark room.

[34:54 card art]

James: Hahahaha…

His chilling laughter sounded even more eerie against the backdrop of thunder and lightning. James realized he had fallen into their trap.

James: So all of that was intentional. Everything you did was to provoke me…

Detective Jack: Get him under control! Now!

Alarmed by the sudden noise, the detectives filed in and almost immediately subdued James as he was about fly into a rage.

Detective Jack: Is your face okay?

It wasn’t until Detective Jack began to walk over to check his injury did Vyn realize groggily, as if waking from a dream, that his cheek had been grazed. Everything had happened too fast, and he was simply inexperienced. Arrogance made one foolish; that held true for both Zheng Yan and him.

Vyn: Ow…

Vyn had been so focused on provoking James to break down his mental defenses, but he hadn’t foreseen how dangerous that was. He had almost been stabbed in the eye by a shard of glass from the coffee cup he himself brought in. The coffee splattered across the white fabric of his coat, but the sorry sight didn’t affect Vyn’s composure in the slightest.

Vyn: Just confess. Do you think that hiding your insecurities behind self-assurance will prevent people from seeing your weakness and paranoia?

With his hands propped against the table, Vyn looked down at James in contempt as he ruthlessly exposed his inner weakness.

Vyn: Inability to tolerate any criticism is the quintessential sign of a lack of self-confidence.

James: And you’re so confident that you’ll never doubt yourself? Don’t criticize others like you’re above us all!

Vyn: At the very least, I will always analyze myself honestly.

James was still shouting, but Vyn had completely lost interest in him. With his chest still heaving and adrenaline still pumping through his veins, his head was clearer than it had ever been. This was not anxiety, but excitement; at that moment, he was honestly analyzing what he truly wanted. Humanity was such a complex and multifaceted art – he could spend his entire lifetime studying it and still not understand it in its entirety. How could he stop now?

Vyn: …

The ventilators cast shadows that spanned the walls, horizontal, then turning, slicing apart and reuniting the light over and over again. A dossier drifted down to the table, and Vyn heaved a long sigh. Finally, it was all over. But it was also the beginning of something new, something that he would never stop.

[END PART THREE]

[PART FOUR]

(1) “Antisocial personality disorder” Big Data Lab entry (under Academia>Psychology): A personality disorder that is characterized by frequent transgression of social norms and disregard for, or even violation of, the rights of others. People with antisocial personality disorder lack a sense of responsibility, have little regard for morals, and do not feel shame or remorse. Their behavior is unplanned and driven by impulse, and individuals easily become irritated or restless, having difficulty enduring the monotony of day-to-day life.

[on-my-vigilante-sht]

Capitol Punishment I

Haymitch x Reader

Summary: The Capitol continues to torture it’s victors no matter how long ago they won through punishment, exploitation, and worst of all; their relationships.

A story in which Haymitch’s lover is a plaything for the Capitol.

Warnings: Canon level violence, rape (though never explicit), alcohol, murder, systemic poverty, exploitation, rebellion (?), more reliance on movie than book

Word Count: 3.6k

Prologue II | Masterlist | Part II

You removed your arms from the boy from District 1’s shoulders and chest, allowing him to fall to the ground, his neck bleeding. You hear a cannon fire and the head game maker who you hadn’t bothered to learn the name of come over the loudspeaker. “Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the 67th Hunger Games, Y/N L/N!”

~

You don’t remember much after you were announced the winner. Just flashes of a peacekeeper meeting you in the arena, guiding you onto the ship. You remember sitting in the same seat they brought you to the arena in, District 1’s body laying maybe 10 feet from away. They hadn’t even bothered to give either of you the dignity of respectfully handling his body.

Your memory still consisted of brief flashes until Haymitch. You were laying on the table, medics flitting around you treating cuts, bruises, and a broken rib you had suffered at the hands of District 2’s male tribute. But when Haymitch burst in, you were leaping from the table, pushing away the medics who tried to restrain you, and throwing yourself into your mentor’s arms. You immediately began to sob when you reached him, breaking down in his arms. You truly had no one left but him.

“You’re safe, you’re safe,” he shushed, stroking your still tangled hair. “You’re going to be okay. It’s over.” You now realized those were merely empty comforts he uttered to try to calm you down. You would never feel safe or okay, the Capitol’s games never stopped.

Haymitch eventually convinced you to allow the Capitol people to do what they needed to do but he never left the room. When you were finally alone, you spoke about the games.

“I had no idea you had it in you,” he whispered. “You shocked everyone when you started killing careers close range. Even I didn’t do that.” You only shrugged, not saying anything. Even thought they were the supposed big, bad careers who had trained their whole lives for the arena, they were still just kids that you had killed. Recognizing how you felt, Haymitch spoke. “I know it’s not easy to kill someone, especially living with it but you have no idea how happy I am you’re alive,” he admitted. His baby blue eyes pleading with yours. “It was terrifying watching you in there.”

You weren’t sure what to say, all you knew is that the only person in the world you valued seemed to value you too. Still unable to verbalize your feelings you chose to show him. Scooting over in the surprisingly large hospital bed, Haymitch took the hint and stood from the chair he had pulled up, climbing into bed with you. He wrapped his arms around you as you clung to him like a scared animal. His chin rested on top of your head and he stroked your now smooth hair as he had before. “You’re going to learn some terrible things about being a victor and the thought of you having to learn them breaks my heart. But you have to learn them. The first one is that I care about you and that’s dangerous so don’t piss off Snow.”

Your heart fluttered at his blatant admission of his feelings for you. But you wanted to sob at the thought of how hellish your life will be if you can’t do something as simple as care about someone. “I care about you too,” you mumbled into his chest, still craving any form of gentle intimacy compared to the brutish Capitol.

You were interrupted a couple moments later by your stylist, Vodka. You had once found it hilarious that her parents named her after an alcohol that was mostly drank before Panem. “Ah my Victor!” she cheered, completely disregarding the man in your bed. “We have to get you ready for your ceremony! I’m so excited you finally get to use a Victor design. Everyone told me don’t bother making any Victor dresses until you’ve moved up a couple districts but look at you proving them wrong,” she cheered. You wanted to roll your eyes at her cheer and the fact that she didn’t even recognize the torture you went through. “Now, you,” she pointed at Haymitch as the rest of the stylist team came in, “out.”

“No,” you snapped. “He stays.”

Vodka huffed but didn’t say anything else, just gestured for him to move out of the way which he did. The team got to work on you, waxing and tweezing everything below your neck. They then applied your makeup until you were put in a sheer dress with strategically placed lace, leaving very little to the imagination. Once you realized what they were putting on you, you sent a frantic look to your mentor. “Woah what are you doing?” he demanded, gesturing to your dress. “Victor’s outfits don’t look like that,” he said. While tributes frequently appeared in the pageants in sheer clothing or even nude, Victors were usually crowned in suits and non-see through ball gowns.

“Snow said her sponsors that you,” Vodka said, giving a pointed stare to Haymitch, “secured want to see her. And see her they shall,” she declared, proudly looking at your dress.

You looked at Haymitch, terror likely splashed across your face. ‘What are these sponsors going to do to me?’

~

Your question was answered after your crowning ceremony. After the cameras were turned off and the citizens of the Capitol had gone home, you were brought to Snow’s office. The office was cold and isolating, making you want to run back to District 12 forever. “Congratulations Y/N,” he greeted with a simultaneously kind and sinister smile. “Your sponsors were very pleased with your performance. They are eager to… see more of you,” he said, eyes raking down your practically nude body.

Your blood ran cold. You had heard of this happening to the beautiful victors of the career districts, but why were you, a random girl from 12 who had nearly descended into savagery, been picked? “What?” was all you managed to get out.

Snow only smiled coyly, and you heard the doors open behind you. In walked an older man, maybe 50, with silver hair and an eccentric suit. You wouldn’t call him handsome or ugly, merely average and unremarkable. “Mr. Phillips here has paid a lot for your virginity.”

Your eyes widened at Snow’s comment. “What?!” you demanded as two peacekeepers grabbed your arms. “How do you-”

“There’s old, largely useless footage from District 12 that let us track your every move since you reached adolescence,” Snow simply explained, not caring that he was selling an 18 year old into sex-slavery. You had no time to respond as the peacekeepers dragged you away, Mr. Phillips following with an eager look on his face.

~

Haymitch wearily entered President Snow’s office. “Hello, Mr. Abernathy,” he greeted like a supervillain.

“President Snow,” Haymitch greeted, gritting his teeth. He wanted to strangle this man with his bare hands for everything he had done to him simply because of the way he won his games.

“I understand you’ve become close with our victor,” Snow said.

“I don’t-” Haymitch began to lie, ready to protect you. But he was quickly cut off by holographic video of himself in bed with you from earlier that day.

“I’m sure you don’t have to remind you about your family’s deaths,” Snow said in a domineering tone. Haymitch clenched his jaw at the president’s words. “This is Y/N now,” Snow continued, the image changed to a live feed of Y/N with a man on top of her, doing unspeakable things to her. Haymitch saw red as he observed the tears running down her face, the man’s hand clamped over her mouth, muffling her whimpers of pain. “And believe me, if you so much as step a toe out of line, her clients will become much worse.”

“What do you want? Me to stop seeing her? I’ll do it, I’ll go back to the alcoholic who only comes here for the booze and desserts,” Haymitch said. Inside he was begging for any way to stop Y/N’s torture. And while he knew it’d hurt her for him to completely turn his back on her, he had to do it if it meant sparing her from this fate.

“I couldn’t care less about you,” Snow dismissed. “Like you said you’re the drunk no one takes seriously. I don’t care if you have a relationship with her, her fate is sealed whether you break her heart or not. The question is do you care enough about her to spare her from her life getting worse? So by all means, fall in love, have a relationship with her. You, after all, are the only one I’ll allow to protect her.” Haymitch was seething at the audacity of this guy for trading the two victors’ pain for the other. “That’ll be all, I’ll be monitoring the both of you for your decision,” Snow smiled before the peacekeepers led Haymitch out.

~

You had finally been released by that man after god knows how long. It was like being removed from the arena again. You just remember flashes of a peacekeeper leading you into a car and being led into the tributes’ building. In the lobby sat Haymitch and once again, just like after the games, you threw myself into his arms, sobbing. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

He tried to lead you upstairs but you were immobilized by your grief for your former life and any chance you had at happiness. So he settled on scooping you up bridal style and bringing you up to your room. He sat down on the bed as you nuzzled your face into his neck, sobbing. “I saw, and I’ll kill him, and Snow, for doing this to you,” Haymitch whispered.

“Why me?” you cried. “Why won’t they just let me go?”

“Because you’re beautiful,” Haymitch blurted without thinking.

Both froze, realizing what Haymitch said. Y/N pulled away from his neck. “You think I’m beautiful?” she asked, tears in her eyes.

Haymitch’s blue eyes locked on hers. “Of course you do,” he admitted. “So does everyone else here and in 12.” You felt your heart flutter, no one had ever bothered to call you beautiful before. The boys in school had simply called you hot while Mr. Phillips had moaned that you were sexy. So you pressed your lips to Haymitch’s, tasting the every present alcohol on his lips.

Haymitch responded to the kiss, allowing your lips to mold to his. Inside he was ecstatic and relieved that you had been the one to make the first move.

When they pulled away their gazes were locked on each other until Haymitch spoke. “I promise I will protect you as best you can.”

“I will too,” you promised, kissing him once again.

~

Once they returned to 12 you were brought to your house in Victor’s Village. It was a beautiful house, much more luxurious than any place you had seen before the games. But it also felt hallow and empty. You felt completely isolated even though Haymitch was right next door.

After being watched and surrounded for god knows how long you wanted to sleep in “your” house alone the first night. You fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow but you were met with the most terrifying moments in both the Capitol and the arena. You were surrounded by dead tributes, blood covering you, bringing you to the realization that you killed them. Snow stepped over their bodies, dragging you towards a group of Capitol men who you knew wanted to do unspeakable things to you.

You were suddenly jolted from your nightmare by Haymitch who you found shaking you, screaming that it wasn’t real. “Hay-Haymitch?” you stuttered. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard you screaming,” he admitted.

You immediately felt mortified, blood rushing to your cheeks realizing you disturbed the peace. “Oh- I’m sorry for waking you, you didn’t-”

“No, it’s okay. I wasn’t asleep anyways,” he soothed.

“Can you stay with me?” you asked, not wanting to be alone in the dark.

You were surprised to find that he looked relieved at your request. “Whatever you want,” he agreed. He climbed into bed with you, wrapping an arm around you, gently pulling you down to lay on his chest. “Have you visited friends yet?” he asked, his chin once again on top of your head as he stroked your hair.

“No, I didn’t really have friends after my dad died,” you mumbled, feeling empty. “Mom died in childbirth, he died in a mine explosion.”

You felt Haymitch sigh. “I’m sorry you’ve known more loss in your life than anyone should.”

You shrugged. “It’s okay, it’s all I know.”

“The good news now is that you can buy anything you want,” he tried to console. You both knew it was a meager consolation prize for the trauma. “You’ll never have to know cold or hunger again.”

You didn’t want to feel hollow or scared anymore so you allowed yourself to divulge in the fantasy Haymitch was trying to create for you. “I’ll buy every cake in the bakery,” you mused. “When I had to buy bread, as I was waiting for it I used to stare at the cakes. I was so jealous of the bakers, the mayor, and the peacekeepers since they were the only ones who could afford it. And you I guess.”

Haymitch chucked at that. “I do like cake,” he agreed.

You eventually fell asleep, the nightmares were far less scary but still there. But rather than being woken up by your screams, you were woken up by birds singing outside your window. Rather, Haymitch was woken up by the birds while you were woken up by peppered kisses on your hairline.

~

Over the next two weeks Haymitch and you became closer. You had both been alone for so long that it was a breath of fresh air to have real human intimacy. You still couldn’t sleep alone so you spent most nights in either your or Haymitch’s bed.

We spent our mornings together until Haymitch would go to the The Hob to get alcohol. you had tried to get him to try getting sober or at least drink less but you could see he seemed truly terrified of having to deal with the demons that lurked just past his drunken haze so you let it go. He never wantedyou to be seen at the Hob, saying that it was dangerous foryou now. So you stayed at home, tidying up a bit when you heard the door open. “I’m in the kitchen,” you called to Haymitch, already getting out a glass for him.

you heard footsteps coming towards you, now realizing that there were too many and they were too heavy to be Haymitch’s. you turned, greeted by several peacekeepers with their leader standing in front, helmet off. you didn’t recognize the one with his helmet off and their uniforms were all too pristinely white to be from District 12. you took a step backed, fearing what these men would do or say to me. “Ms. L/N, we need you to come with us,” he ordered in a commanding voice.

“Why?” you asked, your voice shaking.

“You’ve been requested by some Capitol citizens,” he explained, his voice gaining an angry edge. “You’ll be brought to the Capitol and returned here once you’ve fulfilled your duties.”

“No,” you uttered in terror, tears coming to your eyes. “No, please I can’t go.”

“President Snow’s orders, Miss,” the peacekeeper dismissed as two of them grabbed you.

“No! Haymitch!” you began to shriek in terror but your screams were quickly cut off with a hand clamping over your mouth and a needle in your neck.

“This’ll just calm you down,” the man explained. “And no one can hear you,” he taunted.

you began to sob as you lost consciousness, slumping against the peacekeepers carrying you out of your home.

~

When Haymitch returned to Y/N’s house he knew immediately something was wrong. All the footprints on the ground indicated that. He ran into the house, throwing open the door. “Y/N!” he called, searching through the house. When he got to the kitchen he saw a knocked over chair and a shattered glass. Haymitch felt his heart drop, realizing the Capitol got her.

He continued to run around frantically, praying he was wrong and maybe she just had an accident. When he made it to his house, hoping that she went over there for whatever reason, he was greeted by two peacekeepers in the living room. “Where the fuck is she?” he seethed.

The peacekeepers gave no indication that they had heard him except for one stepping up to him, handing Haymitch an envelope before wordlessly leaving, the other one following him out.

The envelope had a Capitol seal, igniting rage and guilt in his chest. He promised Y/N he’d protect her and he failed. Tearing open the note, he read.

Haymitch,

Y/N L/N’s services have been requested in the Capitol. Pending citizens’ satisfaction she will be returned to you in three days. I suggest you take that time to indulge your addiction, it will keep her safe.

President Snow

Haymitch crumpled up the paper angrily. Why did Snow insist on punishing him for his games even 15 years after? He wished he’d died in that arena. Wished he’d never become close with Y/N so she couldn’t be used against him. At that thought he felt incredibly guilty.

Not knowing what else to do and needing an outlet for his rage and fear, he picked up one of the many empty liquor bottles around his home and threw it. It exploded against the wall, raining shards everywhere.

Haymitch continued, drinking and throwing things until he fell to the ground, drunk and exhausted.

~

When you were able to return home after almost three whole days of being used, they simply left you shaking at Haymitch’s door like an orphaned child. Fortunately you had the sense, through your traumatized haze, to push the doorbell. “Oh my god, Y/N!” Haymitch exclaimed when he opened the door. He had to practically drag you inside but as soon as he did he realized his home wasn’t in a state you could be in.

So with you still in a borderline catatonic state, he scooped you up and brought you next door to your house. He placed you on the sofa before going to light a fire in the fireplace. Once he was done he took in your appearance. Makeup the stylist had no doubt put on you was smudged, he could see lingerie from underneath your sheer “robe” both of which were torn and barely staying on. He could also see bruises and hickies littered your body.

“Oh Y/N…” he began with an empathetic tone, stroking your hair. “I’m so sorry.” Haymitch genuinely felt guilty for not being there for you.

You didn’t say anything for a minute, simply staring down at the floor. “There were so many,” you suddenly said. “They locked me in a dark room and just brought them in one by one. I didn’t think it would ever stop.” Haymitch was once again seeing red but he made no indication of it, not wanting to spook you. He was sure you had seen more than your fair share of violent, angry men in the past couple days. “I met Finnick,” you suddenly said as if you were telling a friend about a vacation you took. “He’s like me, he said that he gets paid in secrets and I can too if I hold my ground before they… y’know.”

Haymitch’s heart not only broke for you, it filled with anger. They made you so powerless and your life so miserable that now you were excited to be paid with gossip while Snow actually got paid and still sold you into sex-slavery.

~

As the years went on you settled in as best you could into your new life. Snow tried his best to terrorize you and Haymitch, sometimes you were literally ripped from Haymitch’s side and bed in the dead of night. It worked on Haymitch who was terrified to leave you alone, it only hardened you. You allowed yourself to become a sweet, demure, Panem loving Victor to the public but behind closed doors, you became a force to be reckoned with. The other former victors had known you as a ferocious tribute who had killed every career in your arena. But as you met them over the next couple years they realized what was happening to you. Why you’d disappear randomly, coming back with hickies and bruises. And when you weren’t off being sold, everyone knew you were Haymitch’s. He was always near you, an arm usually around your waist if you weren’t in front of Capitol people.

You had initially been eager to befriend other victors but as your torture continued and you watched your kids be slaughtered, you came to only trust Haymitch and Finnick who knew exactly what you were going through. The Capitol also made a show of parading you around, both you and Finnick often eclipsing the tributes.

Prologue II | Masterlist | Part II