#what gaslighting an autistic might sound like

[maydays-medbay]

Hey all It's been a really long time. I'm just here to say that I'm alive, and doing okay!

Mildly venty stuff below regarding medical Dx for mental health stuff! Nothing heavy but I know that not everybody wants to read vents lol

Things have been kind of all over the place for me lately because I've been trying to figure out mental health stuff- specifically agonizing over whether or not I should get officially diagnosed with Autism.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching and a lot of self-reflection, and looking back there's a lot more that I remember that I think my family don't. It's lead to a lot of gaslighting and my family assuming that I'm diagnosing myself when I'm trying to point out a concerning pattern of a developmental disorder that I might legitimately have on top of my ADHD diagnosis.

I'm not saying it out of the blue. I'm not saying it because I want it. I'm saying it because, at this point in my life, these symptoms and significant impacts in my daily life are impacting my ability to function and making it significantly harder to hold a job.

I always try to confide my concerns and all of the laundry list of symptoms and signs with them that I want to talk to someone else about because that, at the end of the day, helps me string my thoughts together better in a more nuanced way.

But it's hard when I'm constantly met with "You have tendencies, but I don't think you have it."

It feels like I'm talking to a brick wall when I show up with pages of thoughts, signs, and symptoms only to be brushed off with a short, dismissive, one-sentence answer that feels in no way listened to. The sucky part is that they acted the exact same before I got diagnosed with ADHD, and I had a laundry list of signs for that too that ended up being vindicated with an official diagnosis that can actually be treated and accommodated.

I almost cried when I read my accommodations, because I realized how much better my life would have been if I had gotten them before leaving highschool. If I had been taken seriously, sooner. I'm tired of being ignored and gaslit by my family when I tell them that there's something up with me beyond ADHD. I have a lot of ADHD friends, and without fail, there always feels like there's something off between me and them. Something more that isn't just ADHD.

They ignore me when I bring up that comorbidities are very common! Like...despite all of my evidence they don't even consider the possibility that I could be one of those people in the bracket who do have both, just because I was "a good child" or "smart" as a kid, being put into gifted programs.

(Not even getting into the ableism in that one...)

And what sucks even more is that whenever I bring it up, people always look me dead in the face and tell me that I'm not autistic. Even my ADHD provider told me I'm not autistic- despite the fact that nothing we talked about even remotely covered ANY of the symptoms that I've written down for Autism!

We didn't talk about my pervasive sensory issues, we didn't talk about the dozens of social difficulties that go beyond social anxiety, we didn't talk about all of the times where I'm always blunt and look upset when I don't mean to and can't go out without my headphones because all of the people and sounds and everything is actually Really Hard to deal with without accommodating for myself because nobody else will.

In short- I'm okay, doing good, but I'm also really, really tired.

[lady-laureline]

There's been a lot of discussion about the validity of neurodivergent self-diagnosis, including a fair bit of fuss about the notion that there is a whole swathe of people faking their disability for attention, so I think it's a great time to dissect a few fun topics such as representation, intersectionality, prejudice and privilege (this post is unapologetically long).

Tl;dr for the people at the back: cracking down on perceived fakes has unintended consequences. If you don't know what you're talking about, what is "believable" is not for you to decide.

×××

To those with concerns, a few questions. What was your first encounter with disability? A joke in a movie, perhaps, or an insult you heard at school?

Incidentally, did you know the brain uses your first impression as the foundation for your understanding of any concept? This can be tricky to reflect on (we all have a built-in resistance to changing our minds), but if you are comparing the people you see online to Rain Man you might have some catching up to do.

There's this insidious notion of being "reasonably disabled". People tend to go for an all-or-nothing dichotomy without really thinking about it, which is detrimental to literally everyone in between. Personally, I think it has something to do with our discomfort around being bad at something. As if being blind was somehow more legitimate than having poor eyesight - it sounds ridiculous, but tell me there isn't a part of you that thinks this way.

Likewise, there are plenty of neurodivergent folk that are able to function in society, but will not quite match up to the neurotypical standard in certain contexts, whether we lack the performance skills or just have a different taste in things. Y'all seem to be having difficulties translating a theoretical understanding of this into not cringing like we're bringing down the average grade.

×

Okay, but aren't we talking about a medical diagnosis? Surely that should be left to the professionals? Yes & no. Hope you don't mind that I explain with the help of anecdotal evidence.

I am at a point where I am feeling pretty good about how I identify, i.e. officially diagnosed with adhd, and self-diagnosed as autistic. Through a combination of digging through online resources and a whole lot of recuperation, I've been able to put many of the struggles I was fighting blind with into a framework I am able to understand. I feel more like a person than I ever have in my life, and that, for me, is the greatest benefit of a diagnosis, official or not.

While I am certainly not ruling out seeking a doctor's confirmation of my autism at some point, there is some trepidation involved.

A non-trivial part of this is my adhd diagnosis experience. This was during the pandemic, I was just coming to terms with being burnt out and was so so ready to finally get some answers as to why. An immigrant (read: used to paying for healthcare) living in the UK, I naturally opted to seek guidance and support from the National Healthcare Service at this vulnerable time in my life. If you're familiar with the NHS, you can probably guess how it went to bother this already overwhelmed and underfunded organisation that definitely did not want to deal with my trauma dumping.

After being coerced to try an SSRI "to find out what's under all that anxiety" and having a terrible time with it, plus feeling legitimately gaslight in my pursuit of getting to the bottom of what it would actually take to get approved for an assessment, I found out about my right to choose and swiftly obtained both my diagnosis and prescription via Psychiatry UK, a private organisation.*

A decidedly shitty experience overall, but I ended up with a lot of useful insight into navigating the bureaucracy, and I can safely say that taking (the right) medication has helped a lot with symptom management, and thus, life in general.

×

Now, autism has been in the public eye much longer than adhd and has accumulated more research over the years, but its implementation is far from adequate, especially for autistic adults. Some of the studies that shaped the understanding of doctors practicing today betray the derogatory and/or infantilising beliefs of doctors of the past.

So I have concerns about the toll another clinical runaround might have on my mental health. It would take a lot of work, too - prior to assessment, you are more or less expected to build a convincing case for yourself, which means you have to do enough research to persuade a medical professional who may or may not be inclined to think of all this neurospicy nonsense is a waste of time.

Even if I did get approved for an autism assessment with the NHS, the waiting list is years (yes, years) long. Private care is prohibitively expensive, unless you're desperate enough. Or, you know, rich. I've seen prices in the thousands (yes, thousands).

I'm also unsure, in practical terms, what I stand to gain from an official diagnosis as opposed to, say, seeking out a local branch of the autistic community. Not because I don't trust institutions, but because "access to accommodations" rarely gets elaborated on further, and is not a guarantee. There are also situations where the label would create incompatibility where there previously was none - for example, certain immigration policies reject autistic people outright. Not that I'm thinking of moving to New Zealand, but still.

There's a lot to consider. I haven't gotten around to making an exhaustive list of pros and cons and I don't think I'll have the energy for it anytime soon. Please feel free to add your two cents if you'd like.

×

Alright, so an official diagnosis isn't quite the no-brainer you thought it was, but "that doesn't excuse people labelling themselves for the fun of it".

Buddy. Friend. Kindred spirit o' mine.

We are doing this because we are having difficulty surviving in a world that wasn't built for us. I don't know what your definition of "fun" is, but I can think of a few other things I'd rather be doing than grappling with burnout and existential crises for half of my twenties - because that's what happens when you grow up being told that your lived experience isn't real. That you couldn't possibly feel this way, because the rest of the class feels fine.

People worrying about fake disabilities are still trying to fit neurodivergent content into a neurotypical point of view. They see someone trying to normalise the disabled experience and think: "If I did that, I'd be doing it for attention," then carry on to brutally mock them as some sort of righteous punishment for being too weird online.**

I have had to sift through a metric ton of trauma to build my identity back up from scratch. Really puts the "fun" in "dysfunctional". And believe it or not, I have had a relatively easy time of it.

About that intersectionality:

My trials as a disabled immigrant have been frustrating, but I'm also a young, straight-passing, cis white woman. People of colour go undiagnosed at far higher rates - their symptoms are overlooked more, and when they are recognised they are often misconstrued as threatening. Trans people get written off altogether, because transitioning apparently means there are no other medically relevant aspects of your life? Same thing if you're overweight.

I cannot speak with authority on these experiences, but I can say that defining someone by a single facet of their personhood is redundant and insulting, and causes real harm when that preconception bars access to the care they need. It's high time we put work into understanding how our differences interact, and hammer home the fact that intersectionality isn't the exception, it's the rule.

If there's one thing that's going to make it harder to recognise the signs of genuine neurodivergence, it's facing constant doubt. Which we do, about our struggles themselves, and the severity of them. The things that happen to us either happen to nobody, or they happen to everybody - so don't be such a bummer, it's neither the time nor the place, etc.

Maybe there is no adequate time or place for these conversations by design. Maybe the discomfort you feel has less to do with sensing pretense and more to do with rejecting something you don't understand. Maybe it's possible for us to think, speak, and act a little differently than you do, all while being sincere. Maybe letting us exist as we are won't make the world implode.

Food for thought.

×

I'll end on this note, because there is always someone who needs to hear it: Whatever the rest of your life looks like, if you are neurodivergent, you are part of the community. I believe you. You belong.

×××

*In the case of the NHS being unable to provide adequate care, it is a patient's right to request access to an alternative healthcare provider, free of charge. This is known as the right to choose. I've linked Psychiatry UK because they have a comprehensive explanation (and they were nice to me), however their waiting lists have also extended into oblivion.

**Like when Chloé Hayden (actor, author and disability rights advocate, with diagnosed auDHD) received overwhelming backlash (after posting a video of herself displaying unmasked joy) that led to her stepping away from social media.

[pain-isnt--needed]

Can i ask what you mean by you don't believe in the term narcissistic abuse? /genq

i only ask because i am a victim of said type of abuse and im genuinely curious to hear and like i want to say that i do know npd =/= abusive by default /gen

feel free to not answer if youre not comfortable sharing ♥️

Hey, sorry for not responding to this for so long life has been a bit messy. I think it's really important that we differentiate the idea of NPD from the idea of inherrent abusiveness. By using the term "narcissistic abuse" we directly imply that it's a special type of abuse that only people with NPD are capable of. If we look at what people define as "narcissistic abuse" it's almost always just forms of emotional abuse like gaslighting, love bombing, etc. that everyone is capable of. Of course people with NPD can be abusive just like people with Depression or Autism or any other disorder can be abusive. But you'd never take these disorders and slap a special abuse label on them. Calling something "depressive abuse" or "autistic abuse" would sound stupid. Of course people with depression, people with autism, people with bpd, people with any disorder can be abusive but we don't treat them with the same inherent capability of abusiveness we treat people with NPD. We see them as individuals who chose to be abusive, who chose to gaslight, love bomb, etc. Maybe you use the term "narcissistic" not as a descriptor for NPD but as a stand in for egotistical or self obsessed. But we can't separate the world "narcissistic" from NPD. When people hear narc abuse they think NPD, this leads to many issues. For example people arm chair diagnosing anyone who has wronged them or hurt them with NPD or the further stigmatisation of NPD. It's important we see NPD as a trauma based disorder, it's complex like any other personality disorder but the kind of stigmatisation pwNPD face actively stops them from accepting the diagnosis, which means also that they don't get the access to the help they would need. It also makes it hard to speak about your experiences, when the diagnosis you have is directly linked in people's minds to the idea that you're abusive or a bad person being open about the fact you have NPD might have a very real negative impact on your interpersonal relationships. We also have to remember that mental health professionals are people too and thus just as prone to social biases as anyone else, from personal experience getting help for a heavily stigmatised disorder is hard and often results in mistreatment from medical professionals. The way we treat NPD, the way we use the term "narc" abuse actively harms abuse victims (which most pwNPD are), actively stops them from understanding themselves and seeking help.

In summary (tldr): "narc" abuse is not a special type of abuse, it's just another term for emotional abuse but in it's terminology it also further stigmatises a group of people in a harmful way

[anendoandfriendo]

Endogenics and their supporters: *shares several scientific papers, books, the literal links to the DSM and ICD*

Anti-endogenics: "Waaaah I'm not looking at all of that!!! That's too much and I don't want to approach this in good faith so I'll just accuse you of pulling things out of context instead of critically thinking and looking at these credible sources the endos provided. Maybe if they provided personal experiences instead I might listen. :))"

Endogenics and their supporters: *share links to posts about personal experiences and pluralpedia, etc*

Anti-endos: "Waaaaah I'm not looking at that, that is not a scientific paper or the DSM."

Like, we aren't saying this is EVERY anti-endo but we see this enough that by and large we think it is flat our bigotry in 99% of cases and so we simply block them when we see them.

It's the same thing the abusive stepmother did to us when she wanted to gaslight us, it's what the "day school" we went to did when they wanted an excuse to drag us into a social isolation/"SI" room, it's the same thing republicans do when they want to hate on queer people and people of color, and it's what bcbas do when autistic people challenge them on their bullshit.

All of them, every time, when they wanted to deflect the blame and create an easy target when they did not want to be held accountable for their actions.

So, yes, being anti-endogenic is at best abuse and at worst is authoritarianism.

And then when we say "hey CDDs can be/are highly correlated to trauma...but like have you considered this is more of a chicken versus egg question and some people choose chicken and some choose egg...and correlation is not causation, so like, we need to be much more nuanced here, maybe there are some rare occasions nobody has thoight over" they somehow read that to mean "CDDs are never caused by trauma," which is like the opposite of what we said because this is the piss on the poor website

So like, we also believe they're anti-science and projecting what they're doing onto endogenics and their supporters, but that's more our opinion

And also ioo endogenics and also systems in general shouldn't have to justify their existence like this. Imagine saying that to a queer person? Bitch you sound like how people did a few decades back for transgender folks all you gotta do is switch those words around. If you say "something subjective should not be constrained by the DSM" that also includes the nature consciousness itself, so if you are anti-endo you don't actually think something subjective should not be constrained by the DSM, you're a hypocrite.

!! FORGOT TO ADD THIS BUT THIS IS A VENT AND NOT AN EXCUSE TO DEBATE US !!

!! WE REPEAT THIS IS A VENT AND NOT AN EXCUSE TO DEBATE US !!

!! IF YOU LEAVE US ALONE WE WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE !!

[humanitys-strongest-bamf]

listen i'm really sorry that you are being targeted for your weight. you are right! bmi is bm-bullshit. in the friendliest way, though, your last post is giving racist. "very chinese"? i'm not sure what you mean, or if you are actually chinese and feel you have the right to say that. if that's the case, i can sort of understand.

just wanted to kindly let you know that the way it appeared to me... it didn't read great. i doubt you intended it to sound that way, which is why i thought i should let you know how it came across.

Oh nooo I’m so sorry, I should have clarified!!! Yes I am Chinese lol, I’ll prob delete just so others don’t get the same vibe because I’m too autistic to tell what communities I should and should not make these comments to lakdkskfkskfj

tldr; I am Chinese with parents and in-laws from mainland China that I challenge on these topics, considering ethnocentricity and how social justice can be intricate in that context, husband and I follow content creators (x and x) that embrace our stereotypes through comedy, I’m a dumbass and didn’t realize that it wouldn’t translate well onto a text-only blog where my face and background is not apparent, this is actually a very micro aggressive ask and triggered me a lot so i ranted at the end and you can read at your own risk

To explain, this is a personal gripe that my husband and I have a lot with traditional Asian cultures in that sizeism isn’t really recognized and we challenge both my parents and his parents on those worldviews to limited degrees of success. Both his parents and my parents are from mainland China and while my parents have been in the US for a while, his haven’t (he’s an international student), although they are much more willing to listen to me when I challenge them

On the other hand there’s the whole thing about not forcing Western views onto non-Western cultures, which is why this is a delicate balance to walk and I rarely bring it up to them directly because I don’t wanna seem like I’m shitting on them too much, but I’ve been trying to push it a bit more recently because he’s struggling with a lot of body dysphoria and I’m trying to nip it in the bud

Anyway, I’ll prob delete the post and I’m so sorry it came off that way!!! My husband and I and our lil Chinese community joke a lot about our own stereotypes a lot (see Steven He and Uncle Roger for more well-known examples), and I completely forgot that it won’t seem that way to people outside of the community or on the internet where race/ethnicity isn’t as apparent. 🥹

EDIT: okay y’know what, I’m gonna be a bitch for a second and just lyk that approaching it in this way is incredibly rude and condescending and I can kinda get it because you didn’t know I was Chinese, but I am incredibly triggered right now so I’m gonna rant and ramble in that this message, even if it’s “nice”, is incredibly self-righteous and all of this could have been avoided had you just DM’d me or even said “yo that post might not sit well with people jlyk”

and I get it. Not everyone knows about how those type of callouts can be harmful, but to say that I’m not allowed to talk about my own community in a way that IS used as a valid form of coping just pisses me the fuck off and is triggering all the invalidation issues. I'd like to clarify that this ask itself is not what is racist and triggering but your comment as an outsider about how i "might" think i have the right to say that is very much gaslighting-type behavior because y'know what, I DO have a right and i can't really get myself to care about you understanding why i have that right. google exists. chatgpt exists. do your research.

Just like how cishet folks will never know what it’s like to be queer, or how people that aren’t BIPOC will never know what it’s like to be BIPOC, *my* experience as a obviously Chinese person in a very white society that is literally trying to exile us due to a virus that isn’t even our fault is not something that any outsider can ever truly understand. So yes, taking my voice away is furthering that oppression and I encourage you to educate yourself.

[anothersmallfeat]

We all know autism is the "misses social queues" neurodivergency. But what is it when you calmly and clearly say to somebody "I don't want to talk about this. You're hurting me with this conversation and I'm telling you because you say you want me to talk to you more and get mad at me when I don't tell you things. This is a test and you're failing." And they keep talking?

Because that's so far past "not getting the social queues" it's straight up ignoring them. Is it just abuse? Or does this family member have a disorder that can be addressed?

I'd like to see them get help if possible. I'm not trying to villify any disorder; mental health solidarity.

They've also said stuff like "If you know something about me that I don't know that can help me you should say it!" But them already angry at me seems like a bad time to bring up BPD, given the black and white thinking thing would put the whole idea under the current mood?

They seem to straight up forget/try to gaslight things they or other people said.

They think they might be autistic but when mad they always look for deeper meanings in what people are saying. A hyperbolic example being: "you all hate me."

"No we don't I love you"

"Sounds like something someone who hates me would say."

(Hyperboly because laughing at it is what I got. It's actually more like "you're lying (about lovig me) because of you tell other people(close family) I [did something they absolutely did do that was harmful to the household]!")

But I think it might be BPD. Reading through the symptoms rings truer than anything else I've found so far. But the stories of peoples experiences with BPD family members often seem so much more... violent? Excessive? They don't seem like they are BPD enough if you compare to those stories. But mental stuff exists on spectrums.

Like do I just pretend to give them a personality quiz while asking them questions from a BPD screener and then give them the results if it comes back as highly likely? (Probably not, that's lying and screws up any foundation of trust.)

Anyway... even if nobody finds this and sends advice at least I got some of this out of my system.

[tea-and-secrets]

This is kinda long I'm sorry

Labels make me like really fucking anxious and I have. Like really REALLY bad self doubt issues along with anxiety so exploring what might "be wrong wit me" (bare with me it's almost 3 am) is really hard for me but I think I'm autistic

Which like, I'm not mad about that I think that would explain a lot, it's probably crosses my mind before

I'm also mostly convinced that I'm faking it somehow or like gaslighting myself?? Which does sound stupid as shit but like oh fucking well I guess!

Might trick my close family into taking the RAADS-R test maybe

.

[radio-ghost-cooks]

Hey, saw your love bombing post and just wanted to throw my own thoughts out there.

What youre describing honestly sounds more like a typical cycle of a relationship. Honeymoon phase to a more relaxed and familiar phase.

I’ve always learned love bombing as being something that is done consistently to hurt someone. Almost goes along with gaslighting. Examples:

1. For two weeks I had this guy talking to me 24/7. Everything from ‘I love you’s to ‘I miss you’s etc etc etc. For two whole weeks it was very overwhelming, but I had no reason not to believe him at the time. Well. After those 2 weeks, he tried to have sex with me, got pissed when I said no, and called it off

2. My sister’s ex was very back and forth. One day he would call her crazy, tell her she was worthless and all that shit. The next day he would be the most loving partner in the world. For 8ish years. Back and forth. To make her second guess herself and be dependent on him.

Something I would not consider love bombing:

My current relationship, now going on 10 months. Our first two months, we were all over each other (within each other’s boundaries). And over the next few months, it kinda died down. And now we are only intimate like. Maybe once a month (for reference my bf is autistic and I have some sensory stuff) and neither of us have a problem with it.

When its mutual, its not love bombing, its being in love. When its one sided and makes the other person not feel good, yet it continues to be done, its love bombing. Does that make any sense??? (Sorry if I explained bad)

okay this one's been marinating for a while and??? it kind of makes sense ig?????? i think my worry abt it comes from a fear of miscommunication

like obviously i wouldn't do it to make someone feel bad but also i'm scared someone would think that's why i'm doing it.

especially since it might not be a mutual thing! i am very much a hopeless romantic and i fear i would be very clingy for a long time even if the other person isnt clingy at all. if that makes sense????

idk it just. worries me. bc i love many things very much but my future partner especially

[sleepyivoryrose]

I forgot completely was I wanted to write. I had a little jumpscare right now. Remind me to never, ever put tags in my posts again. People actually finding this blog scares the living shit outta me.

I mean, I'm doing this sort of for mental health purposes. Having a clear line what you wrote, when you wrote it, and why you wrote it, is much easier (and to be fair, feels less like a chore) than keeping a word document or a bullet journal or smt.

I could post everything privately though, now that I think about it...it's at least worth a consideration.

I guess...it's like screaming into an abyss or something. You like hear yourself echo, but there's always the possibilty that someone might greet back? even though everytime it happens, it scares me...

....

Today I ate too much letter soup. I know, it's for kids. I wanted to do myself a f(l)avor and (s)wallow in nostalgia for a while. Just like with everything though, I put a little bit too much. Same with my plants, I don't let them dry out, most of the time I overwater them. I give too much. Too much of a care, too much of a reaction. Maybe it's not enough though. So people would finally take me seriously. So that my own mom stops gaslighting me and the people who are supposed to help me don't believe a word I say. I guess it comes with the schizofrenic and pacifist territory. People suck sometimes.

But there's also a lot of good in the world. People tell me I should stop with the internet, and maybe they're right. I just had the experience that the nicest, most understanding, most lovable people I met, were on the internet.

Not to say that it's all roses and sunshine. Everytime I open twitter, I get a headache (but my longing for good art is stronger.)

I am fully aware that life isn't a walk in the park. I'm very sensitive though, even though online I seem brashen and temperamental and offline I'm kind of stoic, doesn't mean I'm completely either of those things. I hurt easily, and I have my coping mechanisms to protect myself.

----

I already have enough bad vibes as it is. People are instinctively untrusting of me, and my head feels like a black comedy.

I would love to be a more optimistic and fun person, that's why I go so overboeard with the fangirling sometimes. Also, it's fun!

Offline it just doesn't come naturally to me. My grip on myself there is so strong, that I barely talk or show much emotion. One of my caretakers thought I was autistic, and I would love to check it out, but Germanys medical system is on the border of collapse, so it's hard to find medical care for things that aren't, yknow, fatal.

And it's not like I don't get social cues, I think. On the contrary, I am very observant of the people around me. I just don't react much to it, is all.

So I kind of need a way out of this madness, ykno? And that's where this lovely blog comes in. It gives me a place to vent up my inner thoughts and feelings, even if I can't verbalize them spontaneously.

...

Huh, jolly writing about stuff helped me forget my ear pain. Maybe it's stress induced...? - mumble mumble-

Well, anyways. Right now there is still no honking. On the other hand, the soccer game starts in like, 3 mins.

To end this on a good note, my friend came all happy and excited from a convention. I'm so happy for her. She saw a ton of cosplayers, and bought a lot of stuff. I am really glad she had so much fun.

I don't think, with my actual social anxiety and energy levels, that I would survive a convention, even if it sounds really fun.

---

There's a sweet smell in the air...either my roommate just showered (which would be odd, she normally does that in the morning) or the flower bushes three streets away smell into my room. Or are they roses? It's like a floral, sweet smell...! the heavy, hot air of a lingering thunderstorm seems to have carried it here. Nice.

Anyways, on that poetic word I'm gonna end my monologing for today. Or maybe not...who knows.

Deuces!

[chainoftalent]

Hihihi! This is my first time requesting something the is app (congrats to me ig 🎉) Anyways, can you please do Yandere Kokichi x Reader who has Autism? Like would he treat them better, would he buy them some sensory toys and what would he do if they try to escape? (Infact, I am diagnosed with autism hehehe👹)

Hey autistic gang! Mood! This will be just general but if you want anything more specific to your autism feel free toe send another ask!

Kokichi with an Autistic Darling

First of all, he's definitely going to notice pretty quickly even if he's not told. He'll see the stimming, the struggle with social cues, and come to the conclusion pretty quickly that you're definitely some flavor of neurodivergent. He'd keep track of all the small quirks of it, what textures you recoil from, what foods you always lean towards, what your special interest is, being a leader means knowing how to accommodate properly after all.

However he's also not above using it to isolate or gaslight you. Lying to you about what other people think, using any uncertainty you have about an encounter to twist you around to a form off thinking that he would rather have. He'll also bring your special interest into it, twisting details and characters to encourage you, after all your favorite character would do this, would like this, doesn't it sound fun?

He's definitely going to encourage stimming, gifting you stim toys or letting you play with his hair. He thinks its cute, plus it's important emotional regulation! He can't neglect that! If you complain about needing a weighted blanket, it's yours. He knows this stuff is important, and he will go out of his way to make sure to accommodate it.

He'll fight anyone who's ableist as well, your autism doesn't make you a burden or anything to him, it just makes you even more fun and perfect. Why would he want someone who doesn't jump around happy?? Jumping around is so much fun! He'll jump with you!

He'd not treat them too differently upon actually kidnapping, beyond leaning more on your safe foods and avoiding sensory issues, you're still trapped in basically the same ways. At least you're going to be surrounded of stuff about your special interest and be allowed to eat safe food.

Attempts to escape will be met with similar punishments of gaslighting, and isolation, he may also take away things around your special interest from your room, not all of it, but some posters, a few books, enough that you'll notice but not enough to risk a freak out. He'd rather not deal with a meltdown, so he'll not use things like sensory issues to hurt you.

This does mean you have a bit more leeway for lashing out or making minor escape attempts because you have an excuse he'll accept of struggling to adjust thanks to your autism.

He's also kinda bad at talking to you about your special interest unless it's something he's also into though, he'll talk with you for a bit about it but he'll grow quickly bored and go have someone else indulge your or forcible change the topic. With practice he might get better at it, but if you have a special interest he finds kinda boring, he's not going to be great at paying attention.

[werewolfetone]

Im mostly just bewildered by those terfs' refusal to read like. I might be autistic but I thought your tone was reasonable and theyre calling it a mental breakdown??? What???

Oh yeah same. you cannot win with these people they’ll say the most batshit things and then be like ‘oh you’re putting words in my mouth’ when you point that out and then call it a mental breakdown if you try to explain it to them, or just gaslight you more if you point out how they sound. they’re ridiculous and I genuinely do not understand who could see those people and go ‘oh yeah that’s a good and sensible ideology’

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

so hi, this ask might be worded bad because it's late and i'm tired but. my parents were constantly fighting. my dad was very physically abusive to my mom, i can't remember any of my childhood except for small snippets. and i still have to live with my mom, who i think is emotionally abusive. sometimes i wish i was old enough to move out already (i almost am, just a bit longer thankfully) because i can't stand being around her and then other times she'll do something nice and i'll feel guilty and wonder if maybe it's not that bad and i'm just blowing fights out of proportion. she's told me she wishes i was never born and has told me to go die two times, and that her life was so much better before i was born. but then she'll tell me she loves me and that she doesn't mean any of it. she used to hit me but hasn't done so in months. i'm also autistic and have to mask my symptoms constantly or else she'll get mad, and i'm also schizophrenic and she says my hallucinations "scare" her and she's started calling me crazy. she'll start fights and then say it's my fault. but she's not like this most of the time and i just don't know what to think anymore. do you have any advice? is my mom abusive?

Hey anon,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What you've described sounds awful, and I promise you that none of it is your fault. You deserve better than this and I'm so sorry you aren't getting it.

Based off your description, I would agree; I definitely think your mom is emotionally abusive. She's put you in a position where you need to hide the symptoms of your neurodivergence--a lot of abuse survivors felt like they were "walking on eggshells" around their abuser in order to keep the peace, so to speak, and this sounds a lot like that to me. No one should be put in that position; it's horrible and ableist and you don't deserve any of it. She's also gaslighting you by blaming you for fights she started and by telling you she doesn't mean anything she's said--even if she truly doesn't mean what she's told you, she's still saying it, and explaining that she doesn't mean it doesn't detract from that. It's manipulative and awful and she needs to work on not saying what she does in the first place, not promising you she didn't mean it after the fact.

I think the clearest sign that your mother is abusive to me is the fact that you think she might be. Abuse victims, as a general rule, don't want to believe that they have been or are being abused, especially by the people they love--this is part of the reason why so many people will make excuses for their abusers or will overlook harmful behaviors. If there's enough of these behaviors that you think it might be abuse, therefore, it's quite likely that it is (this isn't true in every case, but I strongly believe it is in this one).

It's important that you remember people can be abusive and still do nice things from time to time; it might be because they feel some (I'd assume temporary) remorse for their actions, because they genuinely do love their victim, or for any other reason. This doesn't change the fact that they're abusive, and it doesn't change what they've done to you in the past. If your brain is anything like mine, knowing this won't change the fact that you still question it, but it's still incredibly important to remember.

It sounds like your best course of action is to wait until you can move away from your mother. For now, a good option might be therapy--if your mother won't let you, it might be a good idea to hint that it would help with your schizophrenia. I hate to suggest that, but it seems like what would be most likely to get her to allow you to go, and ultimately that's what's the most important. You might also consider keeping a journal where you can write about what your mother does to you--that way, you'll have proof when you're questioning your abuse, as well as a way to express it.

I really hope this helps, anon. Please feel free to send in another ask if there's anything else we can do for you; we want to be here for you.

Stay safe,

Mod Henrie

[jaffacakerebellion]

keeping whumpee waiting

oh the power of suspense

- whumper tells whumpee they’ll let them out in 3 days, and after three days are up claim that they never said that, or that it was actually 3 weeks, continually gaslighting them

- whumpee’s pay keeps getting reduced and reduced, meaning they’ve had to ration their insulin more and more. Their boss, who keeps reducing their pay, calls them into their big fancy office to complain about their performance dwindling, when whumpee passes out then and there, not for the first time today

- whumpee losing their mind inside their cell, no idea when they’ll get out, or if they ever will, counting the droplets of water they can hear leaking from the window

- whumpee jumping on a train/ boat which feels like it’s never going to start, as members of a gang they pissed off track them down and try to board, looking to end wumpee for good this time

- whumpee waiting for a cut on their leg to heal, but it just starts to look worse and worse, and they need to be in peak health for the triathlon they’re taking part in

- whumper preparing whumpee for torture, standing behind them with a whip, and watching whumpee squirm and squirm, anticipating the first blow. It’s only when they stop struggling and the whumpee shows their confusion that whumper starts laying into whumpee

- whumpee was kept in the same cell as another captive, who said they would come back for whumpee as soon as they could when they managed to get out (maybe this person actually works for whumper, trying to crush whumpee’s hope)

- whumpee is going into bloodloss shock, resigned to their death, waiting almost in hope to feel the pain finally go away to be replaced with the warmth and comfort slightly before death

- whumper has given whumpee some sort of drug, and they don’t know what, but they’re waiting to see what the side effects are

- caretaker said they’d be right back, where are they?

- caretaker/ whumper said that they were driving to the hospital, but whumpee didn’t recognise the route, it feels like they’ve been driving around for hours, and caretaker/ whumper is saying something which whumpee no longer understands, but it sounds like a promise

- whumpee executively dysfunctioning so hard they can’t go and get the medical supplies/ food/ call the hospital/ do anything for themself even though it’s an emergency, repeating to themself ‘You need to do this! What’s wrong with you? Get up!’

- whumpee hasn’t told anyone they need help, they’re just waiting patiently for their friend to finish doing somehing trivial, and at this point they’re not sure how to tell them that they’re about to be in serious medical trouble

- a horrible teacher has told whumpee that they can only take their medication after class, and when class ends, she tells whumpee that if they haven’t finished the last exercise, they can’t go and take their meds. Naturally, whumpee can’t concentrate anymore, and their diabetes/ athsma/ allergy/ epilepsy/ narcolepsy gets the better of them. The teacher, the last one left in the classroom, claims that whumpee is faking

- autistic whumpee can’t go and get a hair cut for a while, because money is tight or the pandemic prevents it or because they’d have to go a long way to get it done properly, but the texture on the back of their neck is sending them into serious overdrive and preventing them from being able to function

- undiagnosed dyslexic whumpee is told that they’re not getting any food until they’ve finished their work, and they live at a boarding school where the teachers are strict. This happens often, and Whumpee’s beaviour gets more and more erratic. When the hunger finally causes them to pass out, nobody will help whumpee because they think whumpee is just stupid or acting out or both. When they get sent home for their ‘behaviour’, they’re in an absolutely terrible way mentally and physically

- whumpee has been waiting for urgent surgery for months, but didn’t want to worry the rest of their family/ friends by telling them, so when whumpee can’t function anymore, it comes as a complete shock to whumpee’s loved ones, who feel hurt, betrayed, and helpless

- whumpee got a concussion, and they’re not allowed to sleep yet, or they might go into a coma. They plead weakly with caretaker(s) to just let them rest, let them fall asleep in their arms, and it breaks caretaker’s heart to be so strict, watch the bags get darker and darker under whumpee’s eyes

Going nuts for this trope atm, please add any you think of :)

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

[blessedxsilence]

Some thoughts on the latest episode of Clarice:

They’re doing a real stellar job at showing why the FBI was sued so much in the 90s and ended up flubbing so many cases. (breaking interrogation protocol, ignoring/embellishing evidence, etc)

I hope now that Clarice has left the mandated therapist and is going to seek her own these outbursts will minimize, and that her calling him out for gaslighting her is proof enough that her giving in to her impulses was a result of him constantly insisting she was going to (as an autistic person, I’ve done this, get accused of something enough and you’ll do it because eventually the part of your brain that pushes for conformity to social standards tells you that you Must. the fact we heard his voice talking about invasive thoughts and impulsive behavior before she broke the cup tells me this might be what they were gong for)

Like Clarice I flash back to things at random simply because they are mentioned, sometimes in an immersive full sensory way and not necessarily because they are traumatic, but it’s starting to get repetitive and distracting. Give us some new camera angles or some extra dialogue or like the sound of a heart monitor or something, jeez. 

Again, I really hope her emotional turmoil regarding Bill is revealed to be that she didn’t feel bad about killing him. They keep showing us him bleeding on the floor so please, at some point, extend it to show her choosing to let him bleed out when she could have saved him. 

[transephiroth]

an important post: abuse from friends, friend abuse. please read and reblog.

TW: abuse ment, bpd ment, ed ment, suicide ment, ptsd, trauma, death ment. gaslighting ment.

i don’t know what exactly what has compelled me to make this post at nearly 1:00 am on a school night just like every other, but i think the importance of advocacy of preventing, spotting, and stopping abusive friendships is to talk about them with the same respect as any other form of abuse.

i’ll give you a small overview of my personal experience with abusive friendships: when i was 16, my father committed suicide. i was not aware he was my biological father at they time and actually found out he was not my half brother, but my biological father. my father, who’s name i will not mention. i won’t even use fake names they’re hard to keep track of. i found out my mother, an abusive drug addict, slept with her husband, my apparent grandfather’s, adult son from a previous marriage consensually. one way or another, my father was forbidden to be involved in my life, and my grandfather raised me as his own. (in case you’re going to ask about inc*st, my father and mother have no relation, she is not his mother.)

the shock of learning this and grieving his death from the few negative interactions he and his mental health had on my family when i was a baby, was intense. i had no friends at school and felt incredibly lost and vulnerable. when i was in this place i met my best friend. we bonded over a shared hatred of my ex boyfriend, who was an abuser, who was dating her ex best friend.

this should have been a red flag, but i ignored it.

i took the first friend i could find after my ex took away all my friends in an effort to isolate me after my assault. this was probably the worst part of my life, and one of my first real suicide attempts was only days before my father died. the first friend i found, the first soul i recognized i clung to.

when me and my friend, who we will call P, were inseparable. but there was a very clear and distinct difference between us. P was a star in the band at school, she had great grades, tons of friends and was quite conventionally attractive. she was involved in a lot of extracurriculars and overall had a very nice demeanor.

this should have been a red flag. as harsh as it might sound, idealizing anyone is unhealthy. if someone appears to you as perfect, it’s not paranoid of you to wonder if it’s hiding something. it’s hard to tell when someone is being genuine, especially for myself with autism. nice words and a smile can pretty much fool anyone.

i, on the other hand of P, dropped out of band and just about every other activity after my assault, and was in and out of intense therapy and psych visits throughout all of high school. i never could go a school year without a visit. to this day i have gone a whole year however :)

I was an autistic shut in who quite honestly, cried a lot, smelled bad, was clearly poor, spoke funny and came to school drunk. we were not the same.

i don’t want to go over every painstaking detail, so i’ll try to summarize as best i can the first two years of our three year relationship.

P was diagnosed with BPD about a month into our friendship. she told me i was her FP/favorite person, and showed me videos to learn about BPD. i remember watching hours and hours of information about BPD to accommodate her the best i could. what i didn’t realize however, was that she was lying. she didn’t have BPD, or at least couldn’t be diagnosed because we were 16.

red flag. i knew this was a lie because i had been in therapy for years. it took me a long time to peace it together but i accepted it and beget told her, until this moment, that i knew.

i fucking knew.

months of friendship included constant easy to see through lies, fabrications, pathological rants, and pretty much changing her “back story” every day. it was draining not to mention it, but the few times i did, she got physical. i have scars on my right forearm from her nails, which were long and broke skin. she would tell me she would pay me back for things and never show. she would make fun of things i told her in secret to our friends, my trauma. my dad.

“dark humor”

over time, she convinced me to drop every single friend i had except for her. she had gotten me literally completely vulnerable and isolated.

when covid hit, my mom, of course, kicked me out. i moved in with P and her family. my time there over quarantine was very monotonous, but i’ll never forget that for basically 8-9 months, she never let me out of her sight. i felt like i had to just do whatever she wanted because her mother let me live there for free.

p knew i wanted to move away from my mother and the chaos of my home life for years.

right before quarantine, P got her first boyfriend. she had never had a boyfriend and had been to scared to get one. i was really happy for her, i encouraged her to ask him out while she was at a weekend school event.

P then began to manipulate not only me, but him. to this day i don’t know what’s become of either of them, but i really couldn’t care less anymore. when trauma heals, you get a sense of apathy.

P would frequently belittle me, mock me, kick, trip and slap me, force me to pay for things for her and her boyfriend on the spot, and steal from my purse.

eventually living with p, third wheeling with her less than charming boyfriend, who i honestly just didn’t mind. we weren’t friends, but i was respectful to him and treated him the same way i would treat a friend from school or something.

p has a family i won’t bring up because it involves minors, but her mother has a psychotic disorder and refuses to be medicated, so the house is full of ripped door hinges, holes in walls, smashed items and more. it’s really unsafe there, and during my time there i found i really began to internalize as a person. i developed an eating disorder and my ptsd and autism felt much more out of control.

i had been diagnosed with autism for nearly two years at that point, and living in that household made me realize just how damaging meltdown after meltdown without anyone understanding can damage your psyche long term.

i wanted to leave. i had saved my money from my jobs and got an apartment. p insisted on coming, saying she didn’t want to live with her mom anymore. i didn’t want her to come, but i agreed. she got a co-sign. i knew it was a bad idea because i heard what they said about best friends living together. i just can’t believe it really happened.

we talked about growing old together, raising our kids together. i was going to name my first daughter after her. we were going to be neighbors. her husband and my wife would be best friends just like us, but that’s not what happened.

we lived together from August 2020-November 2020

to give a quick summary of the inevitable end of this relationship, P and I had two kittens together. i asked her if she could put them away for inspection so they didn’t run out the door while i drove our third roommate, a whole other mountain of a story, to work.

she didn’t do it, instead slacked off to go to her boyfriends house. so i came back and had to put the cats away at record speed and our other roommate was late to work.

even if this was somewhat small, it was the breaking point for me. i grabbed my phone and texted her, DEMANDING she explain why she couldn’t do this one thing for me. i have never been that angry in my life. we had a phone call where i just lost it and unleashed all my anger and all my hurt about everything she had done. i was sobbing and barely making sense but i couldn’t just keep letting my life carry on this way.

i wish i remembered how the phone call ended, but all i remember was telling her “if the cats run and we can’t find them, then we are done being roommates.”

the next morning i woke up and she had blocked me on everything. i drove to the apartment and saw that overnight, according to block times at like, 3am, she had taken all our shared furniture, all my birthday gifts from not two weeks prior, all the gifts i bought her, most of my clothes, one of the apartment keys, my high school diploma, the paperwork for the cats, and not just our two shared kittens, but my third roommates cat as well.

cue search party with my partner and his friends and my other roommate for P and the cats. i found her at her house with her mom and boyfriend. i walked out and she was on the phone with my grandfather, telling him i was threatening suicide. i ask her where the cats are, she says they are at a friends house.

if we flashback in the story, we literally only had each other, so i knew it was a lie.

i managed to argue through to negotiate at least my other roommates cat, but only after P’s mom blocked us in the driveway and called the police saying we threatened her daughter

(reminder people in this group were black and asian ☺️ so she just calls the cops fall 2020)

luckily the cops saw the proof she blocked me so i couldn’t have threatened her, and let us leave.

that’s the end of the friendship. i could bore anyone who has read this far further by explaining the nightmare realm that is the legal troubles with the apartment, but the internet doesn’t need to know everything does it?

as the winter has gone on i’ve had months to basically remake myself as a person. i had to firstly face the damage P had done.

but before i get into that, anyone who is still reading first, ily, but also, if you’ve had ANY relationship that sounds similar to this, THAT IS ABUSE.

Plain and simple. It is abusive. Physically, emotionally, mentally, verbally. nobody deserves that. not P. not you. not me.

friendships can be all someone has. not everyone is born into good families with loving siblings and great parents and tons of cousins who live .3 milliseconds away. families are divided. families, like mine, are divorced. families are broken and families sometimes aren’t even families. humans need relationships, and an idealistic person who we think maybe could save us and fix the world, won’t.

you can be taken advantage of by the person you trust the most just as easily as a stranger.

it’s not wrong to face the abuse they put you through, know it was wrong, and feel valid that it is was wrong.

what i went through with P was horrible. the detachment of my only friend hurt. but i bounced back. i’m still undoing some of the damage, but i have great friends and a wonderful partner. i have two rescue cats who mean the world to me.

life gets better after abuse, but the bad days and the pain aren’t invalid because of this. i have trauma from what P put me through. abandonment like that is traumatic. but it’s not the end. feel what you need to feel to feel better.

if anyone read this far and wants to vent their own experiences, or share more advice on preventing these relationships feel free. it’s almost 1:30 now, i should go to bed.

it feels good to get that off my chest.