#what do you even call it? positive nihilism?? maybe

[skipppppy]

This recent trend in media I love is starting to become uncanny

[maxknightley]

i just don't understand how usa trans folks in my circles aren't afraid for their lives re: the election. i get it. biden has been shit, he's been the main contributor to a genocide. harris will likely be no different. i'm in no way thrilled with them or our establishment as a whole. but trump clearly spells a much, much worse reality for trans people in this country. not only does his supporters' platform outline the criminalization of transness, but they'll have full immunity to do it due to the supreme court decision. this isn't a worst case scenario to get people to vote blue, this is the reality of what trump actively wants to do. am i missing something? because i'd love to believe i'm the crazy one in this case

most of what you're describing has been happening on a state-by-state level. the biden administration has done next to nothing to meaningfully push back against it. even if you're going hard in the paint on voting, you would be better off focusing your efforts on state and municipal elections, where something good could at least conceivably happen

"supreme court justice" is a lifetime position. as such, the supreme court is still going to have a republican majority regardless of who gets elected come november. you could make the argument "oh but what if one of the justices dies within the next four years," except that the democratic establishment has repeatedly demonstrated that they have zero interest in actually securing a progressive majority in the judiciary, so I'm not especially convinced it would make a difference. mind you, the whole fucking institution is flagrantly antidemocratic regardless.

kamala harris is actively campaigning on Bipartisanship and Cooperation with the christofascists she's running against. oh sorry I mean the Moderate Anti-Trump Republicans, like dick cheney, who definitely wasn't part of multiple infamously reactionary presidential administrations within living memory. why should I believe for an instant that she'll fight for me?

I might be biased due to living in a blue state, but the fact of the matter is: after four years of Trump, my life was not materially worse. after four years of Biden, my life was not materially better. under such circumstances, how am I supposed to feel anything but nihilism and apathy about the presidential election?

This is definitely a factor of living in a blue state, but it would be a statistical miracle if my vote for president mattered even the slightest bit beyond "maybe the green party will get some government funding and that will have some kind of positive ripple effect"

as someone who remembers the Bush administration I speak from experience when I say the republicans are constantly proposing hideous, inane social policies that end up dying in committee. that's not to say we should let down our guard, only that "if trump is re-elected he will immediately institute a dictatorship and all trans people will be hanged on the spot" is not actually a sure thing by any means.

I am a petty, angry person, and when people try to browbeat me into doing something - especially something that strikes me as pointless - it makes me less likely to do it.

tl;dr it's going to be bad either way; meanwhile, voting for a cheerleader of genocide would disgust me enough on a personal level that I'm willing to get uncharacteristically Kantian about the whole affair.

call me when they return to the obama playbook of "at least pretending they will try to make things better"

[moodymisty]

death and reader but death is in his reaper form? Just some fluffy protective stuff. Love your work! :)

[ 𝕸𝖔𝖔𝖉𝖞𝕸𝖎𝖘𝖙𝖞'𝖘 𝕸𝖆𝖘𝖙𝖊𝖗𝖑𝖎𝖘𝖙 | 𝕬𝖔3 ]

Author's Note: By the gods this request made me borderline feral. I LOVE big monsters having soft spots for their little humans. Also Death's reaper form is super... cool looking. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Summary: When Death reverts to his Reaper form when something goes to attack you, you then realize that you're stuck with this form until he manages to calm down.

Relationships: Death/Gn!Reader

Warnings: Canon typical violence, Monster/human fluff, Time to nuzzle the Reaper

Word Count: 1918

Death looks over at you; The pale, sickly green glow of the various torches illuminating your skin, and sighs.

He regrets bringing you here, with every fiber of his being. The Realm of the Dead isn't for humans, it isn't for anything alive. Hell, even he isn't technically supposed to be here. He just holds the door, throws souls through. Figuratively speaking.

But humans and their ever all-encompassing curiosity will always seem to work against their better judgement. Your, better judgement.

Death looks back over, and notices you now staring at an old pot.

A burial urn, most likely. Why you find it so fascinating he could never guess. When you bend over to pick up a gold coin off the ground just in front of it is when he decides to interject- and stop you before you can pop the lid on some angry spirit and make this realm just a bit worse off.

"I never took you for a thief,"

He says, coming closer and grasping your wrist gently. The coin stays between your fingers as you look up at him.

"I wasn't taking it, I just wanted to see what was on it." Death squeezes your wrist in a way that forces you to relinquish the coin, and it drops into his other palm. He lets it fall to the floor and it bounces three times, each with a quieter tink.

"To these souls, that is stealing. Now quit touching every single thing in sight. We have a tomb to find." Hand dropping from your wrist, Death turns from you and begins walking away, having stopped you from whatever potentially dangerous thing you'd been fiddling with.

He still regrets taking you here even as you grasp his fingers, so you can attempt to keep up; Or slow his gait down.

But Death admits within his own mind, he doesn't dislike the company. Dust and Despair don't exactly provide the most interesting commentary, and your positive attitude is not unpleasant change to the dread and nihilism he's used to facing throughout the realms. He wouldn't be so apposed to you joining him, if this place wasn't constantly seeking to rend your soul from your body at every possible moment.

"For someone who's all 'I don't care what anyone thinks',"

You make a mocking tone of his voice when you refer to him, and Death glances down at you from the corner of his eye with a fair amount of disapproval. "You sure do love being all rules when I'm around."

Death does it to keep you safe, though he always finds his tongue tied whenever he tries to say that out loud. The only time he has, it came out as him being annoyed you always get into trouble, and he'd hated the way it made your face fall slightly. He'd spend the next while being softer to you just to make up for that slip up.

You let go of his hand, speeding up your pace just slightly in order to take a look around before the Horsemen has a chance to stop you from doing so.

"Back here."

You're not far away from him at all, maybe ten paces or so, looking over your shoulder. Your hand brushes against the wall as you curiously look at something you have no idea what to call.

"I'm barely away from you. Can I not look at anything?"

Humans and their encompassing curiosity, and their stubbornness.

You step closer to look at whatever has caught your interest, before you suddenly hear something.

Death reacts to it faster than you possibly can, instantly pulling Harvester off his back and forming it into it's long, single bladed form, and rushing towards you. You don't quite register what's happening as it passes by so quick, but you still step back to as he nearly slams right into you.

Once his body is blocking yours and whatever is coming has been cut off from making it's presumed way towards you, he moves forward to try and run his scythe right through it.

When you catch sight of it from around Death's arm, it's easy to see that it's a Lich, as he'd once called them. You scramble backwards out of the fray, wisely staying close to Death, but not enough so that you'll get hit by the back swing of a weapon. You know Death himself would never slip up that way, but you doubt the undead resident has the same overall care about your well-being. If anything, it seems to want to kill you outright, if the way it tries to swerve around Death towards you is any indication.

But the Reaper continues fighting with the Lich, slicing his blade through it's ghostly mockery of flesh. He makes sure to keep himself firmly inbetween you and it, knocking it onto the floor and sending the end of his scythe directly through it's chest. It lets out a ghasty wail as it struggles and grips the weapon to free itself from Death's pin, and you scurry backwards as it attempts to move again.

Perhaps you stirred something in your retreat, or maybe it was there the entire time and only now had decided to strike, but in his tunnel focus on the main threat Death hadn't noticed in his tunnel focus that there was a second and Lich, coming from behind you just as you hear Harvester get torn from the first Lich's chest and it's wail sharply ends as it's finally destroyed.

You yell for him when you turn around and see it, tripping over your own feet as the Lich comes right for you; Since Death had taken his brother's pistol back awhile ago, you have not a thing to defend yourself from it.

An arm instinctively raises up to protect yourself, but instead of getting hit, you see the glint of a massive reaper's scythe split the massive lich in twain. It lasts nowhere near as long as the previous one, and is torn asunder in moments. It barely had time to react, let alone try and attack you.

However, it feels that Harvester- or maybe the hands holding it- seem different than usual.

Following the trail up the pole you reach Death holding it; Or more accurately, The Reaper.

He yanks the curved blade of the scythe out from the creature's chest cavity, letting flop to the ground without so much as a whimper. It fades to dust with little fanfare shortly after. The blade however is still clean, not coated with blood like whenever he's fighting demons or angels.

You glance upwards towards his face, seeing the hood obscuring it all under a haze of void black. You can just barely see the outline of his face with what little hazy green torchlight is around.

It seems in his sudden fury over your being almost harmed or at worst killed he'd toppled over the edge, shedding the form you're most used to and becoming, this.

His head jerks around in fast, rapid motions, looking around for any other threats; As Harvester remains firmly lodged in his grip. You look around as well and when you don't spot a thing, you turn your focus to the Reaper.

"Hey... Death,"

This form seems to not have any sort of real mouth to speak with, the pallid skull lacking the ability to do so. He still looks at you with interest, watching as you speak with an almost uncomfortable amount of intensity.

"I'm fine, and there's nothing else to kill, so there isn't anything to worry about now."

You hesitantly reach for one of his hands, his fingers long and thin wrapped around the scythe's pole. The Reaper doesn't stop you, and you hear the shifting of fabric and clinking of metal as he watches you. But before you can touch his hand he moves to hoist Harvester onto his back, freeing them.

Those long, talon-like fingers reach for you and it takes a good bit of effort not to flinch away, and they brush over your body and even your hair; Slowly, and soft as if enjoying the sensation. Every time you think he's going to stop and pull away, he only shifts and continues to do what you only describe as petting. You can't think of a word that fits better, but also doesn't sound as demeaning.

It's odd, however. You never would've thought this version of Death would be so, touchy feely.

As if you weren't already confused enough, you hear an odd rattling noise come from him as you watch. If you had to describe it, you would use words like pleased rumble, or perhaps even purr.

He gets closer to you while he does it, the frayed edges of his long robe brushing against your skin and clothes. Both of his bony hands cup your jaw at one point, a bit rough but clearly trying to be gentle- and you look up at him in awe of the tenderness this creature, this other part of his soul, is showing you.

This is only the second time you've seen his Reaper form; The first had been when you were safely far out of the way of any conflict. He had regressed back to normal quickly denying you more than a few short glimpses, wherein now he seems quite firmly stuck.

You know that it's Death in there, so any fear you have stays firmly lodged in your throat before you swallow it down.

"You, did a good job back there. But I think the more talkative Death might want to come back now."

More talkative might be a bit of a hopeful statement. It is Death you are talking about.

The Reaper lets out an odd noise and one of his thumbs brushes over your lip, pulling it slightly wonky. You don't know if it's the sound of his breathing or bones beneath his cloak shifting, as you hear a soft rattling sound as he watches you.

You know this being is dangerous, but knowing that it's simply another part of Death manages to quell some of the fear in you.

When you move to take a step backwards the Reaper's grip quickly tightens and he makes a noise, covering any minute amount of space you might've moved. Then even more, and you can't help but gasp as his hooded face quickly dives in-

And begins nuzzling the side of your face.

Your hands grip handfuls of his tattered cloak, squeaking at the cold feeling of his bone and hood against your cheek.

Is this even really Death? The amount of outward affection in this motion alone makes you wonder. Perhaps him being in this form makes him more unabashed, almost more primal in some sort of way. It's not as if you're going to complain, hearing that odd purr-like noise rumble against your skin.

"Alright, since it doesn't seem like normal Death is gonna be back for a bit, can I at least sit down?"

The Reaper makes a noise almost like a hum, which you can neither discern if it's positive or negative. Either way, when you actually move to attempt to sit, the Reaper tightens his grip again. So you aren't going anywhere it seems, and must accept your fate as The Reaper's newfound comfort plushie as you lean your head back against his own pale skull.

Death will certainly love to hear about this when he's back to normal, for sure.

[goshdangronpa]

I remain confused as to why there isn't yet a youth subculture themed to clowns.

This isn't me claiming that people aren't interested in clowns. I've seen yall here on Tumblr, I know plenty of you reeeally like clowns. What I'm asking is, why haven't yall banded together offline?

I'm talking about a subculture akin to goths or hippies or hipsters. People who adopt clown-related signifiers as part of their style, like neon-dyed hair, colorful outfits (perhaps intentionally mismatched), distinctive make-up for all genders, wardrobes of overalls and striped/spotted garb. A community based around these signifiers, which make members easily recognizable to each other and to outsiders.

The ideology of this hypothetical subculture? Perhaps being funny is especially valuable - "committing to the bit," in the online parlance. Maybe the overall view of life is a positive brand of nihilism: nothing matters, it's all a joke, so you might as well laugh and roll with it. Recent screen portrayals of DC's Joker and Harley Quinn (which have intriguingly proven to be enduring Halloween costumes), the much-memed Pagliacci gag from Watchmen, and the rewarding of class clown behavior on social media may all point this way.

And this could obviously be big for LGBTQIA+ people. We've demanded to be taken seriously, of course, to not be viewed as attention-seekers or cross-dressers. But gender expression and sexual exploration can be fun as well, and I don't think I'm making too many assumptions in believing that many of you online clown fans are queer. Finding others who share your subculture often goes hand in hand with meeting queer people, learning of new identities, and even experimenting with them yourself. No reason to think this would be any different.

There's something in the air. The Amazing Digital Circus made an unprecedented leap from YouTube to Netflix, Joker 2019 grossed a billion dollars and won the Best Actor Oscar among many other surprising accolades, hair dye is increasingly normal (thanks in large part to the tireless commitment of multiple subcultures), and for the first time in my life I'm more likely to see people (at least online) say they like clowns than they hate and fear them. Cultural currents that could easily coalesce into ... a market, if you want to be cynical, but also a movement.

I probably won't do much to foster this subculture, beyond accepting it as part of the social fabric. Despite what this little manifesto may suggest, I don't have that much interest or personal investment in clowns and circus aesthetics ... which is funny (funny!), because I was called a clown just last night. My recent bright pink dye job was, perhaps, an unfortunate choice for a large curly afro. It brought back to mind some musings from a while ago on a hypothetical youth culture where reminding people of clowns is much more intentional. Maybe people in that culture would've made me feel a little more cool, ya know?

Anyway, I'm not doing it because it's not really my thing. My question is, why aren't YOU? Dress out! Dye that curly hair! Come up with slang that makes people over 30 fume! Inspire NYT thinkpieces handwringing about the end of civilization! Make carnival music that sounds cool! I dunno, have fun! Be the silly little guy you (and evidently, I) want to see in the world!

[finelinens1994]

i worked at a polling place on election day and, while it wasn't asked of me, every time i led someone to the booth i said "let me know if you have any questions or don't understand something" and quite a few people took me up on it. dozens of people (if not hundreds — it's all a blur) told me they don't speak english well and needed me to tell them how to cast their vote for the candidate they wanted. sometimes i had to sign paperwork so i could go inside with them because they needed me to literally direct them through the entire process, no thanks to the fact that my polling place didn't offer the ballots in any other languages despite having the capability. my coworkers spoke hindi and gujarati with probably hundreds of people and i spoke broken spanish with dozens. one older person asked for help with his ballot and i discovered that he didn't know how to read at all. i signed the paperwork and went into the booth with him and read the entire ballot aloud. i'm so grateful that these people felt comfortable asking for help, and i don't even want to think about how many people felt too embarrassed to do so.

all but one of the people who requested detailed assistance from me were voting for donald trump, and he was almost always the only candidate they knew. i had to explain to multiple people what the board of education is, and one young new voter didn't know how to interpret the design of a ballot at all. i always felt that poor education and the shame surrounding it were likely causes for a lot of issues in this country, but working a 16 hour shift at a polling place on election day really cemented that idea for me. our education system is abysmal, and we provide so few resources for adults to continue their education for free. and why would they want to anyway, when democrats are online right now calling them stupid? saying they only voted for donald trump because they're uneducated and dumb? wouldn't that make anyone want to dig their heels in, only growing more and more conservative and desperate for direction from a charismatic figure who actually acts like they might like you?

it all makes me sad. i am so happy that i was able to help all of those people participate in an election, and i am so sad that some of the people i ally myself with on the left might not have wanted to help them at all. i am not a pacifist and i don't think we should all just get along or whatever, but i do think that the fact that a very visibly queer person was helping these republicans cast their votes and wasn't weird about it maaay have had a positive impact on these people. i don't know. some of them seemed uncomfortable with me. but i was nice anyway. i'm the furthest thing from an optimist so i don't think i'm being idealistic or anything, but there's a chance. right? don't you think small day-to-day interactions could be impactful for people like this too? i think maybe rather than this being an idealist view, it's more that i just need to feel this way so that i don't go completely insane from the nihilism. i need to believe, even just a little bit, that positive human connections can influence even the most hateful people to be kinder and more compassionate. even if it's only a little bit. i'm tired of often only seeing the worst from people no matter how kind i try to be, but i have to keep doing it or i'll lose my mind. working election day was a really enlightening and worthwhile experience and i feel like i gained so much from doing it, but my god am i just absolutely fucking exhausted emotionally as well. i think i just don't know how to really reckon with the political reality of this country sometimes. it feels surreal.

[duskspring]

A Holiday and Teasing - Young Nihil/Young Sister Imperator

Domestic December - Day 26

Summary: Nihil’s ghoul Water recounts the story of how the old man and Sister Imperator got together

Content (do let me know if I forgot anything!): Storytelling, young Nihil and Imperator, stress, yelling, making up

Word count: ~2.2k

“I will never understand those two.” Rain thought out loud as he observed the scene from afar.

Old man Nihil had been running around all day trying to get Sister Imperator’s attention. She’d mostly avoided him, too busy trying to get the ministry sorted for Yule. The one second he had her attention, his frail, shaking arm had halfway raised a mistletoe, his eyebrows moving up in suggestion.

Sister had scoffed and immediately walked off. Of course, that didn’t stop the him in the slightest, simply continuing his pursuit of the disinterested woman.

“I don’t know why he even bothers trying.” Cirrus responded.

“Because it worked…” Oh, that was a rare voice to hear, “Once upon a time.”

The two ghouls whipped their heads around to find… no one standing there. Rain slowly turned in a circle, trying to locate the source of the voice, until Cirrus softly slapped his shoulder and pointed upwards to the wall.

Sitting on a ledge, very close to the ceiling, sat Water. The original Water that is, part of Nihil’s old band. He still wore his silver baby mask from all those decades ago, taken care of to remain in pristine condition.

He jumped down, gracefully landing before the others, “This Yule it will be 46 years.”

“46 years since what?” Rain asked for clarification.

“Since those two got together. Kind of.”

“Those two dated?!” Cirrus exclaimed, although somehow this context made certain interactions seem a lot more logical.

“Sister doesn’t like dwelling on it.” The old ghoul swiped a hand through his hair, “But they really were something…”

December 14, 1967

Sister walked through the halls in hurried steps, desperately trying to see everything go as planned.

“Why aren’t the candles up yet, Angela? How far along are you?!” She stressed.

“I’m just a little bit behind.” Sister Angela cringed at herself, knowing it was in fact more than just a little bit.

Sister sighed, unsure of how much more she could take. Her very first real leadership position and stuff was already going wrong left and right.

“Why the long face, bella?” The arms around her waist didn’t help ground her the way Nihil had probably intended.

She shoved them off of her, “Please, Papa. I don’t have time for this.” Her steps already continued further down the hall.

Nihil speedwalked around her, walking backwards in the same direction so he could keep facing her, “You never have time for me.” He pouted.

“I’m a busy woman. And you’re much too demanding.” She snapped. It was that, and the fact that his reputation preceded him. For Lucifer’s sake, he had three children with three different women already, she didn’t need to become number four.

“Suora,” He stopped her in her tracks with his hands on her shoulders. She knew he was serious when he didn’t call her some pet name, “You deserve a break as well. Sit down, have a glass of wine with me.”

She considered it, if only for a moment. She had been running herself very thin. As much as she didn’t want to admit it, maybe a break would be for the be-

She startled, turning around in a flash at the loud crashing sound coming from one of the rooms in the hall. She hurried inside, Nihil already forgotten behind her.

“Gerald, are you alright?” She hurried to the brother’s side, laid out on the floor next to a toppled over ladder and various, luckily plastic and not glass, decorations spread along the floor.

“I’ll be fine.” He tried to argue, but his wrist quickly gave out underneath him when he tried pushing himself up.

“Absolutely not. You’re going to the infirmary.” She helped pull Gerald up, supporting him as the went on their way, “Excuse me.” She shooed Nihil when he stood near frozen in the way.

“This sounds exactly like them nowadays.” Cirrus interrupted the story.

“Yeah, no, she’s right.” Rain agreed.

“I’m trying to build up to something here.” Water argued, displeased at the distraction.

“Build up, schmuild up. Can we at least get something to drink if you’re gonna take so long?” She asked.

Water looked at her quite the same way an old man would look at a little girl; completely appalled by what he perceived as a lack of manners, “Fine.” He relented, desperate to finish the story now that he’d started.

December 20, 1967

With brother Gerald unable to continue decorating with a broken wrist, Sister had assigned herself to pick up the slack. It wasn’t an easy task, considering she still had to run around the entire abbey to check up on everything and everyone else in the meantime, Yule drawing ever closer.

Every time one of the knots she was tying didn’t work out properly made her want to burst out into tears. She’d give anything for it all to just be done already.

The sudden sound of a wolf whistle nearly made her fall off the ladder Gerald style, “It’s looking great from down here.” Nihil kept the ladder steady between his hands, content with the view he got up Sister’s skirt.

She was about to thank him, before looking down and realizing just where his attention was at, quickly scampering down to smack him over the back of the head.

“Have some Satan forsaken manners. I’m a lady.” She scolded him.

“You are? I almost didn’t notice under all those layers of stress.” He kept a hand above his eyes, as if trying to spot something in the far distance.

She wasn’t in the mood to put up with him, grabbing her clipboard with various checklists and wordlessly starting her rounds through the abbey. Anything to get away from him.

“Come on now, cara. Don't be like that,” He jogged after her again, “I’m just teasing a bit.”

“Nihil!” She turned around in a hurry, screaming louder than she probably ever had before. The other people in the hall all froze and gasped, unable to comprehend the disrespect of her calling him by his name, “I am trying my very fucking best to get everything done in time! All you have ever done is be a distraction to me and get in my way! Please, please for the love of all that is unholy, fuck off! I’m not going to sleep with you, I don’t want anything to do with you! Do your job and let me do mine!”

Had she not fully reached her limit, Sister may have noticed the genuine shock sculpted into his features. Nihil didn’t dare to move, let alone let out so much as a whisper. Never in his life had he been yelled at like this by anyone other than his father.

His voice was barely audible when he finally did gather the strength to say something, “Suora… I’m sor-“ But she was already off again, still trying to pour some semblance of focus into her tasks.

People stared. First at her, but soon, afraid to meet her gaze and wrath, they only looked at him. They wondered if he would retaliate. As Papa, he had every right to excommunicate her on the spot. But he did nothing. He stayed in place and watched after her even as she rounded the corner.

“This still just sounds negative.” Rain was the one who interjected this time, blowing cool air over his cup of tea, “I thought you said the old man’s tricks worked at some point.”

“I’m getting there!” Water banged his fists on the table frustratedly, causing some of his and Cirrus’ drinks to spill onto the table.

“Well, get to it.” Cirrus complained again.

December 21, 1967

Sister’s self loathing was at an all time high as she looked into the mirror. Her makeup was streaked and blurry from tears.

If everything was not done before tonight, surely she’d lose all credibility before she even fully had it. Any hope for a promotion or higher function in the clergy could surely be kissed goodbye.

She took a deep breath, telling herself empty motivational words before reapplying her makeup and getting ready to step out.

Her priority was now to make sure everyone under her leadership got everything done first. If push came to shove she could blame Gerald’s unfinished room on his injury. It was the last thing on her long list of worries for now.

Getting around to everyone, she had to say she was pleasantly surprised by the progress. Some teams had already been on, or even ahead of schedule, but nearly all areas seemed to be in order at that point.

Not only that, but everyone seemed in much higher spirits. They looked less stressed themselves, less exhausted and overworked. Perhaps it was just the Yule spirit getting to everyone.

“Angela, you did a stellar job with this.” Sister complimented, eyes gleaming with the reflection of the candles that decorated every hallway.

“I couldn’t possibly take all the credit. The ghouls were a great help.” She smiled gratefully.

“Ghouls?” Sister asked. She didn’t know the ghouls would get involved, they never did.

“Yeah, didn’t you send them?” Angela’s voice slowed down over the course of the sentence, clearly just as confused.

Without another word, Sister made her way through all the impeccably decorated halls and rooms, trying desperately to find the one she knew would be responsible. Just about the only person with any power over the ghouls.

“Nihil…” It was her voice’s turn to be soft. As she rounded the corner into the room that had been Gerald’s, then her responsibility, she met the sight of the whole band.

Air was floating up to finally complete decorations on the chandelier, no ladder needed. Fire went around to light every candle that illuminated the room. Water was on the floor, tinkering with the aforementioned ladder to make sure it wouldn’t as easily topple down in the future. Earth was using a broom to clear up the floor. And finally, Nihil, who sat on the floor next to Water, unable to help other than holding onto the removed screws and handing the ghoul any tools from the toolbox he asked for.

“Sister.” He stood up in a hurry as soon as he heard her, quickly glancing around for a place he could put the screws. Without looking up, Water offered his own hand for storage, which Nihil immediately accepted.

He quickly walked to Sister, steps slowing down the closer he got to leave some distance between them.

They looked at each other for a moment. Although Sister had meant some parts of her speech yesterday, she hadn’t wanted to berate Nihil quite like she did. A lot of it had come from a place of stress.

Nihil, meanwhile, had felt terrible. He knew he could be a bit of an asshole sometimes, and he usually didn’t care. But seeing just how deep underneath her skin he’d gotten was like a wake up call. He clearly took things too far.

“I’m sorry.” They said simultaneously. Nihil smiled softly at that, while Sister was still stuck in place.

“I shouldn’t have yelle-“ She started.

“No, no, suora. That was my own fault. I, uhm…” He wanted to go into it further, apologize with his whole chest, fall to the floor and beg forgiveness, maybe. But alas, his ego prevented him from any further admissions of guilt, “I tried to make it up to you.” He gestured towards the work being done in the room, stepping a little closer in the hope that she’d let him.

“Thank you for that.” Finally Sister didn’t back away, allowing herself to smile as well. That was until she saw Nihil’s eyes dart up, quickly trying to snatch something away.

“Stupid,” She caught a glimpse of the mistletoe between his fingers, “The ghouls put that there.” He spoke fast, trying to defend himself, before promptly throwing the plant away behind him.

She shut him up quickly with a simple peck on his cheek.

“Thanks again,” Her smile widened ever so slightly, “I take it you’ll finish up in here, I still need to run past the kitchens.” Without waiting for a response she was already off.

Whether she realized it at the time or not, that simple gesture was enough for Nihil to latch onto her. Although he tried being more helpful along the way, this event was ultimately the start of what brought them together.

“And that’s the story of why to this day we’re always stuck doing the hard and tedious jobs.” Water finally got to end his own story.

The other two sat with all the new information for a second, letting it all sink in.

“So why are they back at square one now?” Rain wondered.

Water sighed, though not at the question but the memories, “Papa has always been an immovable object. He does not change, no matter how much effort he puts into fooling people he has. It took less than two years for her to find out the hard way.”

“But he still wants her, specifically?” Cirrus questioned further.

“Hey, I’m not inside his brain. I can’t explain everything he does. I always just assumed there was something different about her. Perhaps it's more of a hard-to-get game for him.”

Silence overtook the table again, the younger ghouls unsure of what to do with their newfound knowledge.

[My Main Masterlist | Domestic December Masterlist]

[gogodollie]

You got mr psaltarian headcanons to work with?

yes. maybe. sort of.

- grew up satanist, both of his parents were involved in the church but not the los angeles chapter. was more familiar with older forms of satanic worship before the church was modernized after the passing of papa -1 and the convent aligned more with puritan depictions of satanism (very ritualistic and coven-like, the sort of stuff that imperator preaches about which is why they get along so well later in life). is the oldest child and has a younger sister. doesn’t really talk to his family much anymore at no fault of any of them, he’s just a busy guy and it caused a bit of a drift in those relationships.

- met sister imperator when they were both novitiates after he was moved to the LA seminary (within the abbey there). the combined power of their autism and love of satan made them as close as they could be. sister wouldn’t take her vows for another year after psaltarian became a priest but they remained close and definitely were discussing their visions for the church privately until they both would eventually take up clergy positions.

- actually was a priest at the LA chapter for a decent amount of time (pre-nihil) before he was eventually pushed into the more archivist position he still works as now. a wise man here on tumblr dot com once pointed out that psaltarian’s name implies that he’s a historian-esque figure or at least is just aware of everything happening. he’s lurking and he’s stalking when you least expect it i guess (?)

- adding on 2 that. he’s manipulative in a really quiet way, it’s got an air of subtlety that sister imperator doesn’t have. psaltarian doesn’t Pretend to be people’s friends, he literally dgaf about what others think of him but he is very good at presenting himself as a trustworthy figure which makes it easy for people to open up to him. which is most often against his will but whatever. you know damn well he didn’t want to hear nihil writing a dumbass breakup track but it helped him become aware of her sudden disappearance which would be of interest to the unseen clergy (satan himself probably. maybe. if the olde one has enough time to give sister a get well call i assume he could be in cahoots with psaltarian)

- he’s a victim of resting bitch face, he isn’t always that stern. has a physical aversion to touch but there’s a part of him that does want that sort of intimacy, it just takes more work for him to be fine with it mentally.

- for 60s music i use the wanderer by dion (elaboration in the next section) for psaltarian inspo but for modern music i think the devil (didn’t make me do it) by twin temple is a good song for him.

- i need to clarify that psaltarian is as much of a fuckboy as nihil is. but he actually uses his brain which is where they’re different. i think he has a harder time forming attachments so he isn’t doing whatever villainous bs nihil is on by having several girlfriends at once. he’ll have the occasional fuck buddy he convenes with whenever the mood strikes him and semi-frequent sporadic hookups when he’s at a bar or orgy or whatever the hell satanic social events look like for the ghost church. anyways he fucks and sucks but he is responsible and not a complete dickwad about it.

- literally poured his life savings into that damn beach house because he was so intent on retiring there. part of his 50 year plan. and by god did he live by that, it’s probably one of the things he’s proudest of even.

- genuinely loves his job and satan and their religion and their church and. yeah. he just can’t stand the drama sometimes which is why he lives an hour or so away. prays several times a day, keeps a copy of the satanic bible in his bedside drawer, and will occasionally fill in for sermons when he’s needed.

- also i have this post for imperator/psaltarian specific hcs

[rawliverandgoronspice]

hi! firstly, sorry in advance for the long ask. your blog is very thought provoking! secondly, i wanna say i really appreciate all your writing on totk - i’ve kinda deliberately avoided looking at any critiques of the game because, quite frankly, i had a fun time in the moment while playing it and i didn’t want to sully that experience, but your posts have all been quality and have given me a lot to think about with respect to the narrative, its aims, and whether or not “pure, uncomplicated, escapist fiction” is actually a good thing

i digress though - the subject i wanted to ask about, which comes up both in your general “all the consequences were undone and therefore nothing mattered” stance, and more directly in your post about dondons/humanity/morality (specifically the part about “should we trust the bargainer statues that nothing matters? or should we actually care about light vs dark?”) is kind of the age old sentiment that the journey is more important than the destination, and how you think about this in the context of zelda as a narrative, as a defining game in the adventure genre, and now as a landmark in the open world style

in the case of the bargainer statue, i was thrown by you framing “trusting the statues about morality” vs “being moved by the struggle of light against dark” as an either/or - a grimly nihilistic view. in the game (and, i think, in real life), the message is that the ultimate futility of everything does not invalidate the reality of people living their lives in the present, and a positive nihilism challenges us to try and help people and do good in spite of that meaninglessness. this is why the bargainer statues feel so bizarre and un-zelda-like (or at the very least, un-hyrulian. not a bad thing!) - the universe of zelda has always at its core been about how helping other people is a noble endeavor and is its own reward (with gratitude in skyward sword actually manifesting this physically), and the bargainers’ ambivalence flies in the face of this. it’s obvious to us as the player that towns being destroyed and lives being torn apart is objectively bad, even if everyone ends up as a poe in the depths either way, and the bargainers reading as sinister and alien actually reinforces this more than it calls it into question. the quality of the time spent in life matters, even if the ending looks the same

as a game, i think zelda has always been at least as much about the stories and connections you experience on your quest to deal with the big bad as it is about that actual climactic fight. it’s always leaned into the adventure half of “action/adventure,” and in some ways i do think this is what “gameplay before story” originally meant. as you’ve noted, some of the brightest points of totk are the sidequests and characters for whom you can make a small but noticeable difference, and through which you’re driven to interrogate the world and maybe yourself too. and it’s because of these connections that reverting things at the end doesn’t make everything futile and pointless. link is our connection to hyrule, and if the adventure impacted us positively, then we can infer that it impacted link (and to a lesser extent, zelda) positively as well, and that’s worthwhile even if the external circumstances change

a last quick point is that i think the increasingly open world nature of the series also reinforces this - sure you can run naked straight to castle and beat ganondorf without engaging with the game in any way, and you’ll save the day the same as someone who put in 300 hours on the way there, but your takeaway will be completely different, because that journey is the entire point

anyways thanks again for your thoughtful posts and for reading this far if you did!

Heyy thank you so much for perusing my blog and leaving such a thoughtful ask, it's greatly appreciated! <3

That's interesting you took the Dondon post in that way, as it wasn't what I meant at all haha. But I do recognize it was worded in kind of a cryptic way, and left it up to interpretation perhaps a tad too much (see: the limits of subtext), so I can try and make myself a little more clear (and I also think you bring up really good points that completely deserve to be mentioned and that I personally do not mention nearly enough)

What I meant by the "either/or" isn't what we, as an audience should take away as what's important or meaningful, and completely discard the other part as useless. It's not what we experience ingame, and this contradiction is inherently interesting and sparks some degree of conflict (good! storytelling need those and totk is conflict anemic honestly)

What bothered me is that we are prompted, in the game, to see things in an extremely black and white way in spite of an argumentation that maybe, we shouldn't. It's not bad in itself, I even think it's great that we get to question the moral fabric of the world! It's one of the very rare (in my opinion) compelling things about the narrative weaved out for us. But the endgoal of the game still remains the same: find Zelda, and swear yourself/all of your friends to Rauru's ancestral kingdom by using his powers and his guiding hand. Link's role in restoring Hyrule is never even hinted as being a potential question mark, or something we should ponder upon (Twilight Princess did directly question Hyrule in more ways than one, WW is also there, etc). But moreso than in other games in my opinion: we are doing the bidding of a king's territorial war that happened a very long time ago, and the current state of Hyrule doesn't seem to indicate the need for pushing a unified kingdom back onto everybody, or at least it wouldn't be a problem if not for Ganondorf's presence (which in of itself is still arguable as an argument for royal unity, since people would have been willing to band together for the sake of their own communities regardless of whether or not there was a unifying realm --remove the Sage's vow, and I don't believe Link's friends would have let him handle his fight on his own even without having to swear their alliegeance to what is basically a dead kingdom by this point).

My problem isn't the statues; it's that this Light/Darkness framing is only ever questioned when close to them/the Monster Brothers, and the rest of the world is extremely rigid in what is the correct path --but without the added tragic weight that other Zelda games generally have about this aspect (the Sages in OoT being torn from their previous aspect/your own lost childhood, Skyward Sword's Hylia and the way she enacts her plan through people who never had a choice --and that's identified as something bittersweet, not to mention the infamous curse of Demise...)

I do adore what you mention, this sort of "positive nihilism" as a staple of the series. It's never as apparent as in Majora's Mask in my opinion, where getting people comfort and rest is ultimately without consequence as you constantly reset their minds, but it still feels meaningful to have helped. I think BotW did that really well too --where you help people rebuidling life and meaning in the middle of the desolation, making the post-apocalypse hopeful, a place for potential growth and change and resilience and experimentation. In TotK, however, I don't think your efforts are as centered around making sure these people get a future as they were in BotW (except maybe, as you mentioned, in a couple of sidequests --Lurelin's village being one of them, for example). Maybe it's because Ganondorf's threat is not as clear as the Calamity's was, maybe it's because what guides your adventure is to find Zelda first and foremost rather than defeating whatever threatens the peace (treated narratively as a hindrance more than the core problem, even if it is ultimately the core problem --again, the narration/quest design is pretty messy here and it doesn't help matters), or maybe it's because the endgoal is not for people to make their own way into the world, but mostly for the wayward folk of Hyrule to be ushered back onto the glorious trail of Hylian/Zonai's legacy --but to me, the game has a weird agenda regarding Link/the player's role into this world that is generally tangential to his role as a hero and a balancing force in other legends. Here, he starts the game as a knight. His duty is to Zelda, but it ends up overlapping to what Zelda represents in a far more abstract way than usual.

What I think works in TotK in terms of "positive nihilism" is actually Ultrahand, and this gimmick of "world as playground", which I believe is a very clever and engaging way to imagine an open world. There are a ton of little gameplay moments that are yours to shape and inject meaning into; manipulation for the sake of it, the joy of play, and experimentation being rewarded and never punished. To me, this feels the most like inhabiting the world, making it your own, and doing things because they matters to you --and this being enough. But narratively speaking, this is just not really the story being told to us: we are told, us and basically every other NPC, to conform to a plan laid out for us that doesn't ever need to be investigated or questioned --even though now, at crossroad of what the future could look like, would be the perfect moment to do so.

I think what I ultimately tried to point out in that Dondon post is how jarring this hint that, perhaps nothing you do In The Name of Light actually means anything, and this having zero impact on the rigidity of the pupose you are supposed to accomplish In The Name of Light --and the game never seemingly acknowledging that paradox, which made for a (I think, unplanned) pretty oppressive playing experience on my end.

[stelaernis]

✦ ex nihilo nihil.

﹗ a better version, revisited.

iak sø̄kir sorghset æt lius for æn platz iak vēt ænti hvar. altidh ær mik være til oro i þar umkringr. þæt ær ænginþing iak kan gø̄ra for at alt skall bliv rǣt.

⋯ ✦ my existence is a nuisance.

an introspection to online and real life. i have always tried to make peace with the words i set for myself; if i could make myself as small as possible then everything will be alright. people always talk about how you should be original and do things certain ways, preaching toxic positivity and frowning in secret upon those who struggle. ' it's fine to be mentally unwell !! unless you are . . . mentally unwell '.

i refuse to ask for help. why would i need help ? that will just prove that i am incapable and helpless. the more that i express my personal troubles the more i am pointed at as someone who is too much, too selfish, too negative. and i fled. a pathetic attempt like a deer on ice desperate to run away as far my legs will take me. at some point it was tangible enough to pass as bearable. if i cannot do it physically, then i will do so mentally; sever all ties if it means i would not bleed. yet if i am too patient, i am seen as a liar, a submissive, a bother. if i resort to coping and close off pathos i am too cold, too self-absorbed, a bother. if i express anything i am to be guilted, a bother. always a bother, a nuisance. i learned to take it; to be fine with being disrespected, stepped over, taken from, laughed at.

i forcibly taught myself that any ' traumatic ' thing i have experienced is not trauma. it is simply me being overdramatic. i resort my grief and frustration to hysteria. my health issues is simply me being delusional. ' people have it worse. why are you sad ? '. it is my own fault, i must be the issue, therefore i am the problem in all equations. then what ? i remove myself. if i cannot remove myself then i always forced myself to change for the sake of others. but some aspects i cannot. i may wish with my entire being that i was born different so that it would not trouble people, or that i simply never said anything so that it wouldn't be an issue.

everything is my fault. it has to be my fault. it is the only explanation.

my solace was in fragile illustrations. where could i express myself if not there ? i am not unique. i cannot be, i am not allowed to be. i strive for uniform in real life hoping desperately not to be singled out and yet i have no identity i can call my own. even online my existence is a problem for someone. i do not know why or how to stop it. i do not believe in ‘ people care about you, you know that right ? ‘. i do not know how to be without it causing problems for people. i wanted so badly to say that i could have understood because then i could maybe have fought back. but i am constantly absorbing; incessantly building astronomical pressure within and self destructing in order to somehow soothe the pain.

somewhere. somehow. i am nothing adorned in floral and gilded memories and dreams. if i left, would it even have mattered ? my body is an embellished vessel of things i wished to hold dear, lies i told myself architected the being i am. my flesh will be torn and devoured by scavengers, my bones will eventually turn to dust. nothing will be left of me. nothing i say will change anything. no matter how much i force myself to change for the sake of others it’s never enough. i can’t change how i was born, i cannot change how i look or how i act, how i have so many problems. no matter how hard i try i cannot change anymore. i want to give up but i cannot. i do not have the privilege to be able to. people justifiably be upset online but turn out to humble - brag their privilege as a way to make one feel bad. i am not allowed to be sad because then i am too annoying. i am not allowed to celebrate small progresses because then i am bragging. i am not allowed to be happy because then i am ignorant. trauma taught me that i shouldn't feel at all. anything that i say or do will be used against me; the judges sit on anonymous thrones from strangers that do not know me. their eyes peer at the desperate scramble to keep all my shattering pieces. some will laugh and point, others will pick them up for their own use, others will devour them, and i will be nothing.

i don't want to admit it, but i cannot handle being abandoned, i cannot handle change. i promised myself i wouldn't have to go through it again; a horrible lie. ' i used you ' echoes in my mind. ' i became friends and used you so i could have parts of your ✦ as my own '. and all i replied with was

' i know '

[judeesill]

sure, we agree on that… but your older post is.. also reminiscent of political lesbian thought lol. positing homosexuality/sexuality as something perhaps not 100% and possible to change via “unlearning patriarchal conditioning” is cornerstone in actual poliles. From what little I have seen of DS posts she does the thing that 98% of radblr does which is (pretending that they don’t want political lesbianism since they don’t call separatism and nihilism that)

also was that link part of a book or collection? It read similar to something I read in 2020 but I can’t for the life of me remember the name.

radfeminism as a movement though has been long rendered useless, anyone who actually wants to do radical organization needs a new moniker

Yeah, point taken. I will admit I’m more sympathetic to poliles than radblr mainstream in some ways, but I’m def more opposed to it in others. Re: sexuality (you don’t seem like the same anon with all the questions about this but if you are, and either way, here you go): I don’t really wanna get into it tho since my real opinion is “the science is not settled” but it feels incontrovertibly true that sexuality is subject to change, bc “sexuality” is a pattern of behavior inasmuch as a True Innate Fact About A Person. (Sorry, but Foucault made like, three good points.) Women DO unlearn patriarchal/heterosexual conditioning and discover they’re attracted to women, and sometimes they discover that what they thought was attraction to men was maybe something else. Like, that happens. Are those women all deep down secretly truly innately bisexual? Maybe, sure. Are all women? Maybe not, but like, definitely more of them than probably even realize it. Does it matter? imo, like, not really - and this is where I diverge from political lesbianism. I don’t think who you (want to) fuck should be the basis for feminist political identity, much less action. To be clear, I’m not even really coming down in favor of some universal polymorphous perversity, but I think the reason people balk at the suggestion that sexuality can and does change over time is that homophobes ostensibly believe the same thing. But obviously, the similarities stop there. You’d think self-professed TERFs would understand that the conservative clock is right twice a day…

I just think all women should be free to not sleep with men, whether or not they find themselves chemically compelled to do so. I just don’t think that choice is itself a feminist act, but one made possible by feminist organizing (by which I mean LITERALLY starting and joining ORGANIZATIONS) (NO DONATING MONEY TO CHARITIES DOES NOT COUNT!!!)

Speaking of which, uh… you’re right. 😬 i like to draw on the OG radical feminists/feminist radicals who led the left wing of women’s liberation movement, but the second feminists calling themselves radicals rejected the left and retreated to the communes …. it was over.

you’ll notice I don’t call myself a radfem. I Hope you don’t either. Too much baggage, and too many reactionaries who don’t know what they’re talking about.

If you know what to call the next wave, lmk. But I guess we need to build it first?

luckily there’s lots of good stuff on the successes and failures of the early women’s liberation movement in the Feminist Revolution anthology on redstockings.org (where what I linked was from)! Great archive, lots of women puzzling through the same problems that are repeating themselves now. They said some stupid shit, and they were wrong about a lot of things, and they totally changed the world. I wanna do a reading group of some of this stuff soon, anyone who wants to help organize hmuuu

[ms-m-astrologer]

Transiting Saturn stations retrograde

Timeline (current events in bold)

Saturday, March 11, 2023, 23:06 UT - transiting Saturn enters pre-retrograde shadow, 0°31’ Pisces

Saturday, June 17, 2023, 17:28 UT - transiting Saturn stations retrograde, 7°13’ Pisces

Saturday, November 4, 2023, 07:03 UT - transiting Saturn stations direct, 0°31’ Pisces

Wednesday, February 7, 2024, 15:01 UT - transiting Saturn exits post-retrograde shadow, 7°13’ Pisces

First of all, Saturn has been in Pisces since March 7, 2023 - and remains in Pisces until 2025/2026 (thanks to retrogradation, it will enter Aries in May 2025, only to scuttle back into Pisces for several more weeks, a couple of months later). This will be the vibe for a long time; it’s something we’re going to have to get comfortable with.

I’m now 65 years old, which (in the US) means my official demographic group is called “elderly” - I mean, what the actual fuck; come on, now!! When did this happen?!?

This doesn’t automatically make me an expert on Saturn, but I admit I do feel rather more comfortable with its energies. My natal Saturn is retrograde in Sagittarius/2nd, also, which feels like a good situation. (Be nice if it meant “a materially bountiful old age” too.) So let me try to interpret Saturn retrograde in Pisces, in a way that won’t terrify or bore all of you youngsters.

With Saturn being the master of solitude, and Pisces being about retreat from the world - one strong theme of this transit is “being able to be by yourself.” Perhaps since Saturn entered this retrograde zone, you have noticed this? In whichever house(s) Saturn has been transiting, you’re being asked to “go it alone” - we could even say you have the responsibility of going it alone, maybe even an imperative. (I’m reminded of the US folk tale “The Little Red Hen.”)

Another theme is putting some spirituality (Pisces) around how we create structure (Saturn). Religious ritual is one way this manifests. We are more easily able to integrate spiritual disciplines into our lives.

Overall, the Saturn/Pisces transit is a great time for spiritual breakthroughs. In The Book of Water, astrologer Steven Forrest wrote:

Committed, disciplined, relentless effort undertaken willingly now yields extraordinary results - but not overnight. Patience and relentlessness are rewarded as the months go by. This is more of a time for making lifelong spiritual vows than a time for “amazing weekend workshops.” Solitude is a sacrament. Silence is a psychedelic.

Of course there are ways this can go awry. There will be dire consequences (Saturn rules karma) if we rely too heavily on escapism - or if we do escapism “wrong,” eg, in a harmful manner. Paralysis by guilt is another potential hazard, as is a kind of fatalistic nihilism - “what’s the use.”

The process is as follows:

Consider the position of your natal Saturn - this is the motivator for what transiting Saturn is driving you to do.

Look at the natal house(s) Saturn/Pisces is transiting. This is where the action is; here is where you need to grow up a little.

Will Saturn make any aspects to your Sun, Moon, or an angle? What about to the rulers of those angles? Possible issues are shown. (In my case, there’s zero going on, in this department. Sometimes this happens. It won’t be so difficult for me, but I have no helpers, either.)

The natal house(s) with Capricorn on the cusp (and to a certain extent the Aquarius house(s) show the ultimate results.

Saturn doesn’t make any aspects to the slower-moving planets during this time - just the occasional meet-up with the speedier ones. To me that means we get to grapple with this on our own individual levels, without feeling bound up with what’s going on in the rest of the world.

[beantothemax]

“If I died when my mother did, would anything have changed?”

“Probably not. Your brother is another candidate. You’re just more convenient.”

“…Convenient. Is that what people think of me? Just a convenient person to be around? To use?”

“Oh definitely. I mean look at yourself. You certainly look the part.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Hikari, you’re a people pleaser for as long as I knew you. Your father was distant from you, Mugen hates you, and your mother is gone. I would include friends but that seems to be fluctuating on a daily basis. You want people to see you and appreciate you. You don’t help people for the sake of helping them, you help them so you can feel better about yourself and so that they can look at you. Anything for the people is just a lie you made up so that you can justify all of this.”

“What about now? I lied low just like you told me to, and here I am tangled up with all of this, helping people without even trying. What should I call that?”

“Circumstance. You were there at the time so they asked for your help and since you have a bleeding heart, you help them. It escalates and now you’re here.”

“…Maybe I am doing this all for a selfish need to be seen. But at least I’m doing something. If I can help people even for a little bit then the world gets a bit better.”

“Hah. It’s a wonder your the Harbinger of the End. With all the optimism you have for the world, no one would really notice that you could end it in an instant.”

“Stop that.”

“I’m just saying the truth.”

“…I don’t want the world to end Kazan. It’s bad right now but we don’t know if it can get better or worse. And I like to think it can get better. Most people are just that. People. Everyone is trying to get by and I like to think that it’s the small kindness that they do that helps it get better.”

“Doesn’t do much against everything else though.”

“That’s a fault of the system, not of themselves. People are flawed. They’ll always be flawed. We just hope they make the right choices and are kind. We try to be kind to each other and try our best. Because what else are we supposed to do?”

“…Wow. I try to get you to kill me so that the world would end and you still believe things can get better?”

“What else am I supposed to do? I can’t die because, as you said, my brother is always an option. I can’t let the world end because my friends are all in it. And I can’t just hide after my brother is taken care of because what kind of existence is that?”

“All good points. You truly are in a harrowing position.”

“You know, when I decided to talk to you, I thought that you would try to turn me to nihilism. Surprised you haven’t done that yet.”

“No use in preaching to an audience that doesn’t listen. You clearly have your own path you want to follow, so. That leads to the big question. What are you going to do about this?”

“…I don’t know. I don’t know how to stop you and the people you work for but I won’t stop fighting for the Dawn. Does that answer satisfy you?”

“I suppose. Honestly I am just waiting for what will happen. If the world ends then I’m proven right. If it doesn’t then I’m proven wrong and, well. I’ll admit, that option sounds much more interesting than the first.”

KIWI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KIWI IM SHAKING YOU FRANTICALLY HOW DO YOU DO THIS EVERY TIME

HIKARI. HIKARI JUST TALKING ABIUT HOW YEAH THE WORLD’S NOT THE BEST VUT WE DONT KNOW IF ITLL GET BETTER OR WORSE UNTIL WE SEE IT……… GAAAAAAAAAAH I KNOW ITS THE SAME MESSAGE BUT IN THIS NEW CONTEXT ITS JUST… EXPERIENCING TOO MANY EMOTIONS

@throne-anguis

[brainjuicey]

somebody said we twist in our self made cages but that’s redundant, derivative and self-pitying. i disdain the idea of holding ourselves back. i was born here, in the dark and muck and i’ve held my arms to the sky until it rained blood down on us and washed clean. do you not feel the same way? i’m sorry for you because you want to feel sorry for yourself. what a miserable way to be, to think that existence is a prison created by your mind. your mind that is you. you are you and you choose to think that you’re choosing to cage yourself? what a freak.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

What if paranoid Bella told Carlisle what's going on and enlisted his help? Like if she overheard/learned something that made her think he might help, or if this is the Bella who's stuck in a time loop and figures it's worth a shot and at worse she'd be yeeted right back to the beginning of the loop if the vampire doctor is in cahoots with his scary son?

Anon is referring to Paranoid Bella. Now, Paranoid Bella has tried something like this once before, sort of, Billy called Carlisle on her behalf. It went places so awful I refuse to put them down in words.

Here the question is what if Bella asked Carlisle herself.

Why Paranoid Bella Would Never Do This

She can't trust any of the Cullens, for all she knows, they're in league with Edward. Bella's wearing her tin foil hat and that tin foil hat has kept her alive, dammit. For all she knows, this Dracula's Bride thing is just what vampires do and she's the latest victim.

She would never, ever, trust any of the Cullens. Ever.

Dr. Cullen seems nice as he stitches her up? IT'S A TRAP!

As For Time Loop Bella...

Anon's referring to this post, which... You really want this AU, don't you? I think that's conflating things a little too much here, and gives us way too different of a set up.

That Bella would probably try anything and everything, but she's also reached a point of nihilism where she just doesn't care anymore and might just do it to fuck with these people.

Even if she tells Carlisle, she probably keeps looping, and is well aware of this. Life is misery, pain, and endless.

Kind of misses the spirit of your post (which I assume is to get Paranoid Bella out of the miserable hole she's stuck in).

Bella Takes a Leap of Faith

But alright, Carlisle Cullen seems unusually cool and rational as he stitches her up. Maybe it's the pain talking, or Bella's own increasing desperation with her latest brush with morality, but she realizes just as Edward does that this is untenable.

If Bella keeps hanging around these people, as Edward insists she does (Edward having insisted on this goddamn birthday party at his house), then she will die sooner or later. Either Edward or his family will eat her.

This cannot go on and, as of that moment, Bella doesn't know that Edward is going to attempt to leave her within a few days.

This is the first time she's alone with Carlisle, the head of the coven, and probably the only time she ever will be. This is the only chance she'll ever have to ask for help from someone who can actually do something about it.

Bella interrupts Carlisle's "Edward's just weirdly religious" explanation and tells him that Edward's a lunatic. She needs help.

Carlisle has a, "Wait, what?" moment. He knew she was jumpy, very nervous, but she'd seemed very happy with Edward. Also, from his perspective, Edward is a very noble spirit if very young. Edward went on the human diet and came back, presumably understanding the inherent worth of human life. Edward voted not to murder Bella after the truck.

Yes things have been... weird, and Carlisle was concerned, still is about some parts, but it seemed to be going so well.

It's not.

He sits there in numb horror as Bella tells him all about the times Edward snuck through her window (greasing it to make it silent), to stare at her while she sleeps, the time he threatened to kill himself upon her inevitable death, how he has admitted to following her everywhere and spying on her through the thoughts of those around her, and all about that time he contemplated the murder of his entire Biology class to eat Bella: his personal brand of heroin.

Carlisle's listening to someone talk about a completely different person.

But Bella's insistent, Edward Cullen is Ted Bundy in the making, and Bella now has no other recourse but to turn to Carlisle. HELP. ME.

Well, they don't have much time left.

Edward will be back any moment and Carlisle... there must be some misunderstanding, right? Except, with some of these details, there's no misunderstanding this. If Edward actually said and did all of this: then this is horrible.

Regardless, it's very clear that Bella wants nothing to do with the Cullens and especially with Edward. That makes things very clear: Carlisle has to talk to Edward on Bella's behalf and get him to back the fuck off.

Though Carlisle does warn Bella that, as she knows the secret, she and the coven are technically breaking the law. If she's found out, Bella will either be murdered or turned. It's not necessarily likely anyone will find out but... It's not exactly a great position for the coven to be in, or Bella for that matter.

This is news to Bella.

Bella says she'll think about this vampire business (she's not thrilled) and really doesn't want to join the Cullens, and Carlisle will talk to Edward.

The talk doesn't go well.

Edward denies, denies, denies, and... admits some of it might be true were you to look at it from a the naive angle of a pure young woman who knows nothing of the world. Edward wasn't sneaking into Bella's room to rape/eat her, no, he was protecting her! From spiders! And that time he forced her to ride home with him, he was afraid she wouldn't be able to drive after fainting! And that time he almost murdered all of Biology... That was out of context, Carlisle.

Carlisle grows increasingly horrified as Edward's every answer confirms that he is, in fact, horrifying. This is someone who cares nothing about human life, not truly, and is a predator.

Carlisle immediately tells Edward it's over. Consider this a restraining order from Bella, he is never to speak to her, never to be near her, never to see her ever again.

Edward implodes.

Carlisle now hates him, this is terrible, Bella his true love doesn't love him at all and poisoned Carlisle against him, and she's ruined everything!

Spiraling further into madness, as one does, Edward concludes that Bella was a vile villainess: that this was her plan the entire time. She faked her love for him, faked being this utterly wonderful and perfect being, so that she could destroy his family as well as Edward himself? Why? Because she's the type who wants to see the world burn.

Edward's love turns to utter hatred, he's back in Biology again where this little girl dares to disrupt his life, only it's 1000 times worse. Bella Swan is the greatest evil that has ever walked this Earth.

And now he's a man with nothing to lose.

Carlisle's love for him? Already gone. Carlisle's faith in Edward's humanity? Gone. Why should Edward hold back anymore? Why shouldn't he have what he wants?

Within a few days, by the time Edward was originally going to leave, he sneaks into Bella's house and murders her in her bedroom. He then likely desecrates her corpse so she's unrecognizable, to make her as ugly in death as she should have been in life.

Edward then flees, leaving the coven for good, and returns to his diet of people. Not murderers and rapists anymore though, that pretense is done, because he's fully embraced being a monster.

I imagine out of pettiness he kills women who look like Bella.

Conclusion

Congratulations, anon, you have lost the Twilight Yandere Simulator.

[restlesshush]

Spn 15x07 as a fuffy speed run(?!)

To be clear, I mean this very seriously, although it is also frying my brain quite a bit. I was so very punched in the face by the parallels that I don’t think they can be accidental. Though that also doesn’t particularly matter.

So firstly, everyone go watch this fuffy/deanlee amv by @castieldean (massive shout out to them for planting this seed in my head) to set the scene re 1) a ton of dialgoue parallels, and 2) the idea of having a dark shadow who you engage with homoerotic dancing/karaoke singing, fighting, and murder [attempts] with, while they also tell you that you’re the same person. Now to build on that, I’m going to work through how some of the dialgoue in Last Call directly beat-for-beat corresponds to a pivotal Buffy/Faith exchange in btvs 3x15 Consequences.

A key aspect of this exchange is discussing Buffy and Faith’s position as slayers, and what this means for the relationship between them and ordinary humans, which is also a thread running through Last Call (re the status of hunters). The context is different between the two discussions, but the similarity of them very firmly positions Lee as the more devil-may-care Faith, both of whom see themselves as worth more than other, ordinary humans (or at least claim to), in comparison to Dean’s position as Buffy, both of whom argue for not being superior, and for having a responsibility for ordinary human lives. Specifically, Faith is also supposed to represent a temptation to Buffy here, of a way she could be, and given that Lee is as retired from hunting and running a bar (how Dean was in his Nihilism fantasty), I don’t think it’s remotely a stretch to suggest that Lee is playing the same role here for Dean.

FAITH: Anyway, how many people do you think we've saved by now, thousands? And didn't you stop the world from ending? Because in my book, that puts you and me in the plus column.

Vs in spn 15x07:

DEAN: Oh, come on. Who's gonna kill the bad guys? LEE: Somebody else. Dean, how many lives you think you saved, huh? Hundreds? Thousands? You deserve a break, bro. Hell, you might even deserve two.

Then the btvs exchange continues (key parts bolded):

BUFFY: We help people! It doesn't mean we can do whatever we want.

FAITH: Why not? The guy I offed was no Gandhi. I mean, we just saw he was mixed up in dirty dealings.

BUFFY: Maybe, but what if he was coming to us for help?

Faith: What if he was? You're still not seeing the big picture, B. Something made us different. We're warriors. We're built to kill.

BUFFY:  To kill demons! But it does not mean that we get to pass judgment on people like we're better than everybody else!

FAITH:  We are better!

Buffy is taken aback.

FAITH: (exhilarated) That's right, better. People need us to survive. In the balance, nobody's gonna cry over some random bystander who got caught in the crossfire.

Buffy: (sadly) I am.

And then a later scene from spn 15x07:

DEAN: And so, what, it just costs innocent lives?

LEE: Dean, you and I both know no one's innocent.

(Also even more strikingly paralleled in btvs 4x15 – Buffy: “these are innocent people” / Faith: “no such animal”)

LEE: After everything we've done, aren't... aren't we owed a little happiness, huh? Don't we deserve that much?

DEAN: Listen to yourself. "We're owed." "We deserve." Come on, man. You're not God. Hell, God's not even God.

LEE: Good or bad... the world doesn't care. No one cares, Dean.

DEAN: Well, I do.

And so, after we’ve had the homoerotic bonding of the first half of the episode (which is also a key part of btvs 3x14), and done a version of Buffy and Faith’s argument from 3x15, we conclude with Lee telling Dean they’re the same person, and Dean stabbing him in the stomach, while Lee is glad that Dean specifically is the one who kills him. Which is also what happens with Faith and Buffy in btvs 3x21. And also Dean effectively stabs Lee with a wooden stake – ie Buffy and Faith’s staple weapon. In conclusion: ???!!!

[imperatorium]

What was imperator’s reaction to first finding out she was pregnant because I assume that it was both a very happy thing for her and also a “oh crap if people find out about this my position could be in danger + people might try to kill this kid”

Copia was not by any means an accident or unwanted, but, my Congregation, when the truth comes out about his parentage, no one will believe Sister that he was unplanned.

There was a time when Nihil was first brought back into the Church and made Antipope where Sister was caught up in the faerie tale of what their life should have been, despite probably knowing they couldn't have it. They should ruled together, seeking out and FIXING what needs improving, spreading the Evil Word, growing the Church's (and therefore, their) power, etc. The bloodline of the Dark Architect should have been theirs to continue together.

But it wasn't.

Not then, anyway.

And once that mess was all said and done, Sister had already begun to admit defeat to herself. Maybe she was not actually meant to be Prime Mover. Maybe one of the other boys (Three) really would prove to be the next Antichrist and at least she would be there to guide them and, perhaps (especially with their mothers out of the way) shape them to her liking. That's almost a win. That's still a decision she can make.

So, given Nihil's traumatic experience with becoming a father and how much they would both be risking and how much harder life would be for a child they made together (and, honestly, her own doubts about being able to be the mother a child she and Nihil created deserved), she let that fantasy go. She didn't need to try to make herself one more vessel for a potential Antichrist. She just wanted to be with Nihil, at his side, in his arms, etc.

But she knew - not instantly, but absolutely upon waking the morning after. There it - he - was.

The reasonable thing would have been to get rid of it. Of him. Of her baby. Of her & Nihil's son. If she didn't have mercy to do it herself, someone else would and he would suffer for it. Her baby would suffer. It would be a sin (not the honourable kind) to allow that - but it would be unforgivable to reject this blessing. A being of pure antidivinity was now growing inside of her, one put there, created by the unholiest, most beloved person she could imagine. This was the good work she meant for them to do together, incarnate.

She had to figure it out.

And she did. A childhood of moderate to strenuous...let's call them learning techniques to develop her powers and the violent aversion to being seen as weak by peers who were already rooting against her helped develop some remarkable coping techniques. Between the glamours and long-practiced stoicism, you would never know. It would be her secret to keep.

(The Ghoulettes knew, though, too! Smelled it on her instantly. Could barely contain their excitement within humanoid shape, but Sister's secrets are their secrets, so they managed. But they did touch her a little more often than usual.)

Maybe she would have him follow in Nihil's (unintentional) footsteps and be raised outside of the Church to guarantee his safety. It would be even easier to bring him back than it was with Nihil, since she would be able to keep tabs on him from the get-go. Sure. Sure, she could facilitate that. There were good, Satanic-adjacent families out there, surely.

Congregation, one thing you must know about Sister by now is that, for better or worse, she is possessive. Nihil is her person. This is her Church. (In the second act of The Jukebox Musical, "Faith" is her last big solo.)

So, no - the moment that little rat was put in her arms, she knew that she would not allow some other person to have her baby. She could keep him safe. She could figure it out. And she could always keep him close, with her, with his father.

And maybe some day he will hate her for the decisions she made, but there are no regrets. It was a matter of love.