#what do you do if you stop being attracted to someone in a monogamous relationship??

[multi-lefaiye]

ngl i think a lot of the jokes i see about polyamory and it being so complicated and confusing comes down to people overthinking it

like, yeah, as a polyamorous person, it can be very complicated and a very different dynamic. but like..... do y'all also think through monogamy this much? do you ever get tired?

[punksocks]

Placements For Romantic Archetypes Pt.1: Accidental Playboy (18+ Only)

*Adults only! Minors dni

*just based on my experiences, only takes what resonates

Someone whose usually monogamous that has dated/hooked up with a lot of their friends and stays friends with their exes. They just have a lot of attachments and a lot of love to give ! This may be a phase for most of them (if they’re developed) and they tend to settle down with one person whenever they find their twin flame.

***

-Cancer Venus: just a lot of affection for the people they hang out with, if you’re in their circle they can feel a lot for you and depending on their other placements this can turn into hooking up with their friends. They also don’t really let go of relationships, this placement is most likely to stay friends with their exes as well imo. They also tend to do anything to make their friends/significant others happy which is very sweet …but can lead to some awkwardness on occasion. (Like I knew someone that had a ex turned friend and she would like show him her lewds before she sent them to guys she was asking out and he was like yeah we’re just friends! He stopped that in a relationship, but then she said that they would’ve ended up together when she broke up with someone she was seeing and he was like oblivious and just said haha no, that was only the tip of the iceberg, I was like dude get a boundary.)

-Venus in 11th: A tendency to only get intimately involved with people after they’ve become good friends anyway. Also a tendency to hold onto all their friendships if they can. Can create a like web of attachments, of friends and old flames.

-Cancer Mars & Earth/Air Moon: Needing to be emotionally drawn to someone in order to find them s*xy and hookup… but also this like detachment underneath that. Like a deep amount of emotional investment and fixation but also like being pretty emotionally removed behind it all. So a tendency to pursue like friendships with objects of desire but not too much behind that (not that there’s anything wrong with that, it can just quickly turn into a string of affairs)

-Virgo Mars: This placement usually acts in their relationships through acts of service to express their commitment and affection. Due to Virgo being mutable, I’ve found that they’ll often have a more flexible approach to how they handle their relationships. Like I’ve just seen a lot of Virgo mars natives that would perform acts of service for current and ex partners because of how helpful they want to be to everyone. (Not necessarily a bad thing but a little messy if you’re in a relationship and doing favors for your exes). Lots of checking up in on people and trying to help manage them that can turn into them hooking up in order to be “helpful” (especially after they’re emotionally involved)

-Sagittarius Venus/Mars: just a placement with a lot of abundance, so they tend to date around and explore with many options. Depends on the other placements with how they handle this, (I find fire signs to be more up front about it, but they catch feelings like water signs) but they tend to want to move through relationships on as best of terms as they can.

-Libra Sun: kind of a stereotype due to Libra’s indecisive nature and how because they’re viewed as typically being attractive and charming, due to Venus they tend to draw people into them. I also believe that Libras don’t like to be on anyone’s sh*t list, so like they may hookup and date around and try to do a lot of work on the back end to make sure their past relationships still view them in a positive way… and sometimes they may reopen that door to see if they can reconnect to an old flame. (When they find their other half they won’t really do this anymore, but they charm everyone into thinking they’re the one so it can be hard to tell when they really feel this way imo, the moon sign would help with this)

-Leo Sun: This may not be true for every Leo out there, but they usually have a phase of really basking in all of the attention they pull in. (Leo in the big 6 tends to show someone who goes through a period of being ignored or not receiving enough attention before they become a sort of magnet for other people’s attention) That tends to set up Leos for a period when they’re indulging in that attention in all their relationships. Like they’re getting a bit of ego validation by how much all their friends are into them and they go with it and sort of ignore any emotional consequences until they can’t.

-Neptune hard aspects (esp square/opposition) to Moon/Mars: they tend to have a deep fantasy life that affects how they move in the world. They build up their fantasies of the people they’re into being their perfect hook up and they can get “confused” about their feelings about someone. Like they get closer to a friend and hook up and may entertain the idea of dating and a future together but they just don’t actually feel that way about them. Or they break up with someone and still see them in a certain way so they work to please them to some degree in entertaining the idea of getting together again. It’s like future faking but lowkey the native is doing this the most to themselves and trying to figure out what they actually want long term. Sometimes they only understand what they want after an option has been cut off from them.

-Mars hard aspects (esp square/opposition) to Moon: their heart and their d*ck want different things. No but for real though if they have insane s*xual chemistry with someone they’re probably overwhelmed and overthinking it. If they have a deep emotional connection with someone, they may be torn because they lack chemistry with the person. It’s a lot of internal strife of like wanting people to fit together with the perfect traits in the perfect way but the native has to actually figure out what that means for them before they’re able to settle down.

-How do you know if you’re the one? I hate to be blunt about this, but you connection with this guy will take top priority over the others. But dear god you will have to communicate so much to like work through this. You’ll probably have to be a bit patient as you guys get past all of this messiness. The good thing is, that if he’s a good guy he’ll make you feel like you’re in a rom com in a good way, like you’re really loved and cared for, despite all of this. If he’s underdeveloped? Don’t do it girl, he’ll never know what he wants and he’ll stress you tf out (i mean do whatever you want, you’ve just got to figure out if it’s worth the headache and possible heartbreak for you).

(I hope you all liked this! If you did I have a few more types I have in mind to post about ;0)

[drdemonprince]

I am very very attracted to my boss and it's driving me insane. There's this amazing chemistry and tension between us and all day long we're just teasing eachother and flirting. We're always gravitating towards eachother and happy to see eachother, finding excuses to work together, etc. He is, however, a straight man twice my age who has a girlfriend and I'm a trans guy who could be completely misreading our interactions. Straight guys often banter and "flirt" with eachother so maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe he's just excited to be some sort of a mentor figure to me and he likes to be admired, and likes to see me grow and learn, and that's all there is to it. He calls me his protege which I find incredibly hot. Anyway I'm seriously contemplating whether I should confess my attraction. I'm not really anticipating him to reciprocate, but would do it more so to get rejected so I would be able to stop fantasizing about him all day long and give myself some closure. On the other hand, I don't want to humiliate myself and create a possible distance or awkwardness between us. There would be no consequences for my job so that's not an issue. I was wondering if you have any words of wisdom for me? You always have such a unique yet sobering outlook on things and I would love to hear your thoughts on this situation.

"Unique yet sobering outlook"! That's the kind of compliment I would have put in the word document alongside all my favorite feedback from English professors back in the day when I still needed that. Sincerely, thank you.

I am of several minds with regard to your question. On the one hand, I think straight people are terminally monogamous most of the time and that it would be hell on earth to get involved with this man and draw the potential ire of his girlfriend even if they weren't.

I think it's usually a self-hating maneuver to date a straight man as a trans masc (I have been there, it is terrible) but as a gay man, I support the frisson of danger that comes with seducing a heterosexual and think it would be a baller little feather in your cap to ruin this man's identity and relationship for a fling with you, even if it would be destined to end in agony.

I hear that this misadventure will not affect your job, but I don't exactly understand how that could be true. It sounds as if you work together quite closely and that his flirty banter is part of what makes the gig pleasant, and even if he doesn't have the capacity to fire you (I'm guessing) this affair could devastate the vibe enough that someone else might step in and fire you for its indirect consequences. happens sometimes.

Part of me however does believe in "fuck it we ball" and in being a bit reckless when you find yourself in a moment of raw, transfixing chemistry. chasing after fascinating moments that are destined to shatter our hearts is one of the core aspects of being alive. It keeps us growing, fills us with vigor! Who doesn't want to one day have an interesting story of a love affair like that?

One of my follow up questions would be how rare this kind of connection is for you. If it were me? Someone I truly connect with on the level you are describing is rare, and I've been willing to risk upending my life as i know it over a fleeting few weeks or months of passion before, and sometimes it's been worth it! Some mistakes are worth making, because we will become stronger and more interesting people after they happen!

But another part of me also thinks "straight men flirt with eachother sometimes" makes no sense and that what you are likely experiencing is him not seeing you as a man, or doing the thing some sensitive straight guys do of leeching attention off of queer men to feed their egos. (Which isn't evil, we all need attention sometimes, but it can be devastating.). If he lets you down because he sees you as a man and is not gay, that might relieve the pressure for you and work out fine. If he is into you because he doesn't see you as a man, you two will fuck and it will be horrible in the long term probably. But maybe hot in the short term.

I also think there are probably hotter ways to play this one (and more strategically effective ones) than a straight-up love confession, which would probably force him to bring up his girlfriend as the reason not to pursue it.

I think if you really want to SEDUCE this man you should spend time with him after work, ask him to mentor you on a labor intensive but potentially rewarding project, disclose little personal details that endear him to you, ask him lots of questions about himself, allow him to open up to you about his life... and then strike.

I think it'll be interesting if you go for it, at least. I certainly want to hear the story. But I don't want you to get fired, lose a mentorship that is important to your career, or get your ass beat by the gf.

So I will also tap my followers for their feedback.

[polyamorousmood]

Have you ever felt guilty about being polyamourous despite knowing deep down there's nothing wrong with it, but you're overthinking everything??

getting a little personal here

I've been struggling a lot with it lately, being attracted to another person while currently dating someone, knowing it's okay and its an open relationship, and it's just been spiraling so much in my brain as guilt for no reason i hope I'm not alone in that

of course, though mostly when I was in monogamous relationships, if I'm being honest. I still get twinges on occasion, butbone of my greater strengths is stopping my brain from spiraling into self-loathing. So. Not a huge problems from me. I do have tips though! Some from recognizing what I do and some from various readings. There's not an order, some of them are incompatible with each other, try a couple and see what works

Affirmations to help you internalize things like "I believe in this as a right for all people, and that has to include myself"

Reframings. So when you catch yourself going "waah! My pArTnEr WiLl fEeL bAd!" You can maybe be like "my partner is my equal. If I hold myself to a ✌ higher ✌ standard than them, I am treating them as an inferior, which is unfair, and will make them feel bad" or you know. Whatever. Frame Polyamory As A Good Thing So That It Can Be One, basically. What does your partner GAIN from polyamory? How is your life BETTER from polyamory?

Politely detach from the spiral. You're not stopping it, necessarily, but it's not you. It's that toddler that lives in your brain having a temper tantrum, and you're the favorite babysitter standing non-judgementally to the side, waiting it out, and saying "wow, that was a lot. Are you okay? Do you think that's all true? Do you think that's all fair? Do you think a juice box or a nap would help you feel better?" once the waterworks have ended.

Check in regularly with your partner, and trust them. Make a space for them to say something they appreciate and soemthing you could have done differently, take them at their word, and use those words later. I have literally gritted my teeth at myself like like "she SAID the only thing I should do different is text her when I'm coming home. Am I calling her a LIAR? Is that what I've come to?"

Literally say when you're being dumb. "Well. I guess that could be true, in a hell world where Nixon Jr is president and we're all idiots, but I don't think that's the world I'm living in so it really doesn't apply here" and drop it

thank our feelings. You feel strongly about it because you want to do right by your partner! That's good! Thank it for trying to make sure you do that, and explain to your guilt that you have things under control, in so many words. "Thank you, guilt, for trying to make sure I don't betray [partner]'s trust, but they know about it and said it's okay, so you can take a day off"

All very effective. I encourage anyone else who has experience with this to weigh in

[sundrop-writes]

When Doves Cry

Jason Todd x Gar Logan

How can you just leave me standing - alone in a world that’s so cold?  So cold.  Why do we scream at each other?  This is what it sounds like: When Doves Cry.

This fic is dedicated to a husband who has never given up on me. 

Love is infinite, patient, and always welcomes you home.

Summary:

At Dick's insistence, Jason comes back to Wayne Manor to help the Titans end Crane's deadly plan. Jason doesn't want redemption or forgiveness - he's done believing that he's worthy of those. Once Crane is back at Arkham where he belongs, Jason plans to disappear, never to be heard from again.

But Gar - someone who never stopped loving Jason and never stopped believing in his goodness - has other plans.

Jason Todd x Gar Logan. Friends to Lovers/Lovers Reunited. Smut and Emotional Angst. Set during Season 3, Episode 13.

Word Count: 11,100

DC Titans Masterlist | AO3 Link

Detailed warnings and author's notes below the cut.

Warnings: this is a character x character fic - no reader character here; this is M/M; emotional angst - Jason's self deprecating inner monologue; Jason being emotionally constipated; mentions of Jason's past trauma - including being kidnapped by Deathstroke, and his canon suicide attempt; canon level violence (mentions of guns/gun violence, mentions of killing/mentions of Jason killing people); mentions of Jason's death and resurrection; mentions of Gar mourning Jason's death; mentions of Gar's canon trauma - being forced to murder people while under Cadmus' mind control, having brain surgery performed on him to achieve that mind control; implications of Dick/Hank/Dawn being in a poly relationship because I literally cannot help myself; mentions of Jason being injured from the confrontation that goes down at Wayne Manor in 3x13 (which is canon) - the injuries are vaguely described as 'bumps and bruises'; mentions of Jason's substance abuse - including the Anti-Fear Gas (which yes, even though it's fictional, is still substance abuse), alcohol, and implications toward other unnamed drugs; there is mentions of Jason/Rose - but in this version of things, their interactions were one single kiss and Jason never had any true feelings for her; because of his attraction to Rose - Jason is very much bisexual in this, and though it's not mentioned that Gar has been with a woman (or anyone aside from Jason lmao) - I always headcanon him as bi and write him as bi just so you know; mentions of Gar and Jason having a previous sexual relationship during their time living together at Titans Tower (but that relationship was purely sexual and not romantic); implications that The Pit changed Jason's body somewhat, including making his dick bigger; smut - M/M smut; biting/marking kink (from Gar toward Jason) - at one point, Gar bites down hard enough to draw blood; wet ?? humping/grinding; mentions of Jason and Gar masturbating; passing mention of sex toys (a dildo); anal sex with lots of (real!!!) lube; unprotected sex - they don't use a condom (but there is no mention of STDs and technically they are monogamous even if they didn't discuss it, but irl you should always use one!! don't be like them); Jason bottoming while Gar tops; scent kink - Gar and Jason both really like the way that the other person smells; Jason is a power bottom at first and then becomes more submissive; Gar is very possessive/animalistic during sex; some dirty talk; emotional/passionate sex; creampie kink - Gar cums inside of Jason and they both really like it; a warning for literally licking wounds - Gar licks a cut on Jason's forehead that he has from the fight (this IS NOT blood kink - it's about him caring for Jason because his animal instincts are telling him licking the wound will make it better/soothe it) (btw I am not shaming those with a blood kink, I have written blood kink before and I love it - I just wanted to clarify the tone of the moment); this fic does have a happy ending if that makes you more motivated to read it. I believe that is actually, finally it.

A/N: In case it's not already clearly labelled - there is no reader character in this fic! It is very different from what I usually write, but I felt very inspired and the request that @nctzenkane gave me was just too good not to write. Jason and Gar have so much chemistry in the show, they are such an obvious ship, and they never even got to say goodbye to each other. (The writers make it so convenient that Gar is just not in the room during Jason's pivotal moments - sigh.) Anyway - I love JayGar as a ship and I feel like this fic sums up everything I love about them, as well as giving them the ending they should have gotten. They should have ended up together and Jason should have gotten forgiveness from the Titans family. I hope you guys enjoy this fic even though it's not like my typical stuff, and if you sit this one out - please know that this one did wonders for my creative flow as a writer, and I will be back with more amazing things later. Also, I know that this fic is gonna make my Top Ten Favourite Fics of the year when I make that list for 2024. I was not at all expecting to write this fic but I absolutely love it so much omg. Also - even though I started my taglist a little while ago, I decided not to use the taglist for this particular fic because it's so different from my usual stuff. But the taglist will be used for all upcoming fics.

...

“I have to believe that this dude we fought alongside - my friend - he’s not all bad.” 

Gar purposefully put emphasis on those two words, trying his hardest to remind Dick of what Jason was to them. At least, what he should be. A friend. Even if Dick wanted to deny it, Jason had been a Titan once. He had been part of their family. Even if Gar was the only one who still remembered that; even if he was the only one who still remembered Jason’s good side. Even if Gar was the only one who had ever truly loved him - the others needed to remember what being a part of that family meant, and what their obligations were to Jason because of it. 

No matter what Dick claimed, Jason hadn’t turned into some evil villain overnight. He had his own reasons for what he was doing, and that meant he could be reasoned with. (Gar knew that it was difficult to reason with Jason - but he knew it could be done.) 

Dick’s silence was deafening. Maybe he didn’t want to tell his tender-hearted friend what he really thought of Jason now; those tiny streaks of things that he had been secretly thinking for a long time. Or perhaps - Gar was really getting through to him. 

Jason needed to come home. Despite what everyone else believed: he could be saved. 

… 

All of it was Dick’s idea. Gar still wasn’t even entirely clear on half of it, but the bulk of it involved using his newly acquired - still very undeveloped - ability of turning into a bat so that he could fly up to Jason’s unlocked bedroom window and breach the house’s security system undetected. 

No matter how much Gar stressed the fact that he can’t fly, Dick kept telling that it would be okay - that he just had to believe in himself, blah blah. The typical leader speech jargon that he used to convince people to do dangerous things. Gar felt like he shouldn’t have been so easily convinced, but he knew that a lot was on the line - he knew that Crane needed to be stopped. So he put aside sense and transformed, and flew off toward the window even though he barely knew how to control himself in this state. 

He was so damn dizzy when he landed. He could taste vomit swelling up inside his mouth and he forcefully pushed it back down. The world was spinning around him in an utterly cruel way and he could barely comprehend anything - he was naked and he needed clothes, so grabbing Jason’s shirt off the floor was nothing but pure instinct. The smell of Jason’s stupid strong cologne - so entrenched in the bedroom’s walls, mixed with the natural musk of sweat in the bedsheets - it should have made Gar even more dizzy and nauseous, but instead, it grounded him. It made him feel safe. 

Dig, if you will, the picture of you and I engaged in a kiss. The sweat of your body covers me.  Can you, my darling - can you picture this?

It was one of the only things that gave him a true, firm center while the world was spinning so damn hard, still undulating under his hands and knees while he dug his fingers into the expensive carpet, gritting his teeth with how much he absolutely hated the sensation. 

Gar and Jason have always been the same size. 

It was something they found out days into living together at Titans Tower, when Jason got out of bed and put on one of Gar’s favorite hoodies without a word. He never apologized for getting milk chocolate on it and letting it stain. From that point on, their wardrobe easily blended into one. Jason wore ‘nerd shirts’ with logos that he had no clue about the meaning behind, and Gar found himself wearing more black and more band tees with logos for bands that he couldn’t stand the loud, angry music of. 

After Dick had confessed everything that had happened with Jericho, Jason pulled away on the screeching tires of his motorcycle, and ended up taking some of Gar’s clothes with him. This left Gar with the pain of accidentally pulling something out of his drawer that still smelled like Jason - sleeping in sheets that definitely still reeked of that strong cologne. In fact, Gar had been wearing one of Jason’s black hoodies on the night that Cadmus had stormed the Tower - on the night his life had forever changed. 

In the present, when Gar left Jason’s room dressed head to toe in Jason’s clothes, it felt natural. It felt natural to be surrounded by that scent. It gave a certain kind of unconscious comfort to his overwhelmed instincts during such a chaotic time. It wasn’t even something he had put that much thought into. Instead, he was far more focused on using the remote Dick had instructed him to grab in order to disarm the alarm system - a task he was incredibly worried about getting right. 

With Dick in his ear giving him instructions to defuse the alarm, even with the terrible itch of anxiety creeping down his neck - he felt a certain sense of safety from being wrapped in Jason’s clothes. Even when the sound of gunfire came from down the hall - something that nearly paralyzed him with fear, part of him still foolishly felt bulletproof because of that familiar shirt on his back. 

When he rounded the corner, the first thing that truly made him freeze up during all of this was actually seeing Jason for the first time in so long. 

It was a true shock to his system. 

After all the talk of Jason - a death that he barely had time to mourn, so heavy in his heart and barely processed by his mind. After finding out that the person behind Red Hood’s mask had once been his best friend, somehow stolen from the morgue and woken up from what should have been a permanent sleep due to the treacherous waters of the Lazarus Pit. After spending all that time talking Dick’s ear off, trying to convince him to let Jason come home, where he truly belonged; after feeling so damn fruitless in doing so. After tracking down Molly, trying to stand united with one of Jason’s last true friends in an effort not to see him hurt. 

After all of that, everything Gar had been through over the past few weeks, actually seeing Jason in front of him - it was like having ice water poured down his back. 

He froze up standing there, and he knew that the expression on his face must have been that of dumbstruck delirium. 

He hadn’t expected their reunion to be anything like this. 

When Jason had first stormed out of Titans Tower, Gar had imagined that he would come back. Even after he had screamed at the top of his lungs, telling Dick to fuck off, and followed that up by screaming at Rose not to touch him when she had tried to grab his arm in some poor attempt at ‘comfort’, daring anybody else not to follow him - Gar had thought that it would be only a matter of hours before Jason came back. 

At the time, he had texted Jason after everyone else scrambled out like cockroaches fleeing from the light, and he had told Jason that it was safe to come back because they would be alone together (save for Conner’s unconscious body). He had expected that statement alone would cause Jason to eagerly come running back. 

He thought that it would be a predictable reunion. 

Jason would come back puffy-eyed and stinking of booze, stumbling, furiously denying that he had even been upset, saying that he would never let Dick Grayson get under his skin. Slurring his words while also denying that he had been drinking and driving his bike - because he didn’t want Gar to ‘narc’ on him about it. 

Gar would put him in the shower and douse him in cold water to sober him up while trying not to scold him about the potential of crashing the stupid speeding death machine due to being drunk. They would go to bed together and Jason would fall asleep holding onto him for dear life. And he would still make Jason the best hangover breakfast that vegan soy substitutes can offer (and Jason would complain about Gar not cooking with ‘real’ bacon, but he would still clean his plate). And Jason would sneak a kiss over the sudsy dish water that would turn into soapy grab-ass, and he would have wanted to fuck Gar across the kitchen counter just because nobody else was around to complain about it. 

(Maybe that last part was just a fantasy Gar cooked up with his hand on his cock in his bed at the Tower when he was missing Jason a bit too much. But still, it felt like something Jason would do.) 

When the days passed and Jason still hadn’t responded to him - still hadn’t come home, Gar tried to deny that he missed the mouthy asshole. He tried to weed those shirts out of his laundry so that he could stop being constantly reminded of Jason. He tried to keep his crying limited to the shower, or muffled into his pillow at night. 

And then, he didn’t have to worry as much about that stuff, because he got distracted and busy when Conner woke up. Introducing the clone to the world, teaching him to be a Titan. 

When he got his brain scrambled, between the taste of blood in his mouth and the distant sound of a done drill - memories of Jason flickered in front of him, and when he was present enough in reality, he knew that Jason running far away was a good thing. It meant that Gar couldn’t hurt someone like him. Someone he loved who didn’t have any meta powers to defend himself - someone who was only flesh and bone with no way to defend against a six hundred pound uncontrollable tiger pouncing on him. 

There were moments of mental clarity, tiny little moments when Mercy wasn’t humming in his ear. Moment when he prayed that he would never see Jason again - because he never wanted the blood in his mouth to belong to Jason. 

After Rachel helped him gain back control, he still wondered if he was capable of hurting Jason, even by mistake. He was almost glad when Jason rode away from Donna’s funeral in the opposite direction. (Almost.) Because that feeling of missing him came back harder than ever days after the funeral, when the dust had settled. When he realized that he was fully in control of his powers - working well as a Titan, and the only thing missing from the picture in his mind was having Robin right there by his side, working as the perfect duo Jason always knew they could be. 

When Gar found out about Jason’s death, he felt numb. It had never felt real. Sure, denial is the first stage of grief - but Gar never truly felt like he was living on the same earth where Jason was not. He felt like the world should have stopped. Or at the very least - he should have gone down with Jason. 

He kept imagining that someone would wake him up from the nightmare - that someone would shake him and he would wake up in his bed months earlier, with Conner still in a coma, only to find out that everything that had happened at Cadmus had been one big horrible dream. He would open his eyes to find out that Jason was still alive, waiting to sneak out and get veggie burgers with him at three in the morning. 

But no. There was a grave in the backyard of Wayne Manor with his name on it - even if Gar had seen it empty after Dick had dug it up in a manic state. Just to make himself feel like he wasn’t totally crazy, Gar had searched through Bruce’s files and found Jason’s morgue paperwork, wanting to fully confirm that Jason had even died in the first place. After seeing the attached photos of Jason’s bashed-in skull caused him to lose his lunch, he knew then that it was very much real. It wasn’t just a horrific dream. 

Jason had died and somehow been brought back from that. 

Even then, Gar imagined their reunion to be very different from this. 

But here he was - standing in one of the many hallways of Wayne Manor, staring Jason down like a deer in headlights, his heart pounding while his wide eyes fixated on the person he thought that he would never get to see again. Someone covered in bumps and bruises from a fight, looking much more worn down by the world than the guy who used to laugh at Gar’s shitty puns. 

Dream, if you can, a courtyard- An ocean of violets in bloom. Animals strike curious poses. They feel the heat - the heat between me and you.

Jason’s eyes flickered down and locked on Gar’s chest, or rather - fixated on his shirt. Jason’s shirt that Gar was wearing. In a moment, he felt more naked than he ever did when he stripped down in public to transform. He felt so fucking caught. Of course Jason knew that Gar was wearing his clothes. Gar could have claimed that it was out of pure convenience, but somehow, as if he was part animal himself - Jason’s pupils dilated and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly. It was almost like he could smell the fatal yearning coming off Gar, everything about him that said: ‘I love you, I missed you, I need you’. 

“Jason-” Gar croaked out. 

There was no chance for conversation. 

A streak of movement behind Jason’s heavily armored shoulder realigned Gar’s priorities in a snap. 

“Look out!” He shouted, pointing sharply behind Jason before he ducked for cover himself. 

Jason didn’t hesitate - he fired his gun, taking the enemy out. He did a visual check of the hallway to make sure that nobody else was coming before he turned back to Gar - who was crouching tightly against one of the divots in the complex design of the old house. 

“I’m here for you.” Jason said - finding that he felt far too naked in his own way with how utterly vulnerable this sounded. 

Especially when Gar’s lips quivered, almost as if desperate to cry out for him, to thank him for coming home - something. 

“I’m here to help. Dick sent me.” He quickly amended, attempting to clarify that this was all business. 

Even though, with Gar’s large, glassy eyes staring him down - he couldn’t be sure that’s what it was. 

He didn’t have too much time to grind through the details of it, though. They had to get through the business aspects of it or there wouldn’t be any personal details left to untangle because they would all be dead. 

They split off, following a plan that Dick had carefully laid out, and Gar was proud when Tim and Dick led Crane out of the Batcave in shackles. 

With the relief of knowing that they had won, Gar quickly set about finding Jason once again - to thank him, to ask him what their next move was, to kiss him - he wasn’t quite sure yet. But he felt gleeful. 

All that glee was slashed when he caught Jason in his old bedroom, packing a bag. 

He had stripped out of his Red Hood armor from the waist-up, and Gar was met with the shocking sight of bright purple welts smothered across the broad of his back. It made Gar’s natural urge toward sympathy ache, especially when it came to Jason. But that feeling conflicted with nothing but boiling anger at the sight of him furiously stuffing things into a duffle bag he had placed into the middle of his bed - clearly trying to rescue everything he could from his old life on the way out. 

How can you just leave me standing alone in a world that’s so cold? So cold.

He was running away. Again. 

“Going somewhere?” Gar asked, trying to sound tough when his voice was trembling at the very thought of Jason leaving him again. 

If he was less mature, he would have dropped to the floor and thrown a catastrophic toddler fit, flailing his limbs and screaming at the top of his lungs. He would have demanded that Jason stay, telling him that he simply wasn’t allowed to leave. 

He knew that it was selfish, but it just made Gar feel so disposable. The fact that Jason came into his life, made him laugh, made him smile, fucked him like they were in love, made him care - and then he wanted to run away like Gar meant nothing to him. He knew that Jason had his own issues - a list of problems and past traumas longer than his arm, but Gar would have run away with him. Jason didn’t have to be sentenced to solitude. 

All these thoughts caused a sheen of tears to form in Gar’s eyes - the sadness battling with the anger inside his chest. He was threatening to spill those tears by the time Jason whipped around - partially startled, partially angry that his plans to disappear again had been disrupted. 

Jason mirrored back his own wet eyes at seeing Gar so upset, but quickly blinked the tears away. 

“I was never here.” He quietly croaked. “I can’t-” 

“You can’t ‘what’?” Gar barked back, cutting him off. 

This was the most cruel way that he had ever spoken to Jason, but he was fed up, to say the least. All of the emotions that he had been politely festering with now boiled over. The grief, the mourning, the loneliness - all of it spilled over at once. 

“You can’t stay?” He asked, raising his voice in anger. “You can’t admit that someone actually cares about you for you for once in your fucking life?” 

Maybe I’m just too demanding. Maybe I’m just like my father - too bold.

Jason’s face quivered at this. 

He knew Gar cared about him. Of course he did. But that was why he had to run. He couldn’t let Gar risk his place with the Titans for a murderous piece of shit like himself. He threatened to break into sobs and he forced himself to become steel. Without Crane’s drugs running through his system, he felt even more weak and chaotic - but he couldn’t let Gar be the drop of water that broke his dam after all these weeks. 

“I can’t stay.” He said solemnly, his eyes glued to the floor, refusing to look at Gar. “I - I can’t… stay.” It hung in the air for the moment as the words truly sunk in for him. He had been so busy packing in order to flee that he hadn’t even fully realized why. Now it was even more painful. “They won’t let me.” 

The realization pierced through Gar’s heart like a knife. 

This wasn’t just about him. Of course it wasn’t. 

The thing that he had been fighting for, fighting against all this time - the idea that Jason wasn’t even worthy to come home because he was some crazed killer. Gar wasn’t the only one who got a vote. Gar wasn’t the only one to claim love for him or deny him. 

If Gar’s love for him was the only thing that mattered, then the whole thing could have been smoothed over weeks ago. Maybe Jason wouldn’t have left in the first place. Maybe Jason wouldn’t have been balanced on the edge of a roof about to jump off while Gar had been sleeping. 

Gar wheezed out a harsh breath - almost as if the pain of the realization had literally pierced his lung, and he was having difficulty breathing because of it. 

“Stay.” Gar begged, hardly realizing that he was crying openly now. “I’ll talk to Dick, I’ll-” 

Maybe you’re just like my mother: She’s never satisfied.

“I can’t.” Jason said bitterly, entirely defiant. “You know I can’t. Not after everything that’s happened. Especially not after Hank.” 

There was a careful kind of mourning in Jason’s voice when he said the name - and potently, he flipped back around then, unable to face Gar after bringing it up. He continued to pack his bag as Gar stared at his back, his throat tightening harshly around everything that he had to say in reply. 

Gar loved Hank as a friend - as a mentor, someone to look up to. But even now, he couldn’t fully blame Jason for Hank’s death. He knew that it was all a part of Crane’s plan. He knew that Jason was sorry. Before, that fact was something he had based solely on his knowledge of Jason - but now he could base it on Jason’s very clear guilt towards the situation. 

Gar knew that if he told Dick that he forgave Jason for Hank’s death - it would put them on bad terms. Dick had known Hank for longer. And there had been something more there (something more between Dawn, and Hank, and Dick). Something that made that scar extra tender for Dick. 

Gar had to find a better way to explain it. Perhaps tell the team that he had once been a pawn himself - he had been to Mercy Graves what Jason was to Crane. And he knew that if she put him alone in a room with Hank and told him to kill, he couldn’t have been sure that his sterling morals and his willpower alone would have held up against everything that she did to him. 

Why was the situation with Jason any different? 

Why were they so determined not to forgive him? 

Out of the corner of his eye, something broke up his contemplative thinking - Jason slipped a tee shirt over his head, and Gar couldn’t ignore the glaring shade of green that said it was one of his. It caused a possessive streak to roll through him - he had a difficult time holding back a feral growl as it flared up in his throat. 

It made him only able to focus on one thing. 

“What about before?” Gar croaked out, disappointment apparent in his voice. 

Jason looked over his shoulder with gentle confusion, and he felt the need to clarify. 

“What about everything that happened before Hank?” Gar rephrased the question. “Doesn’t that matter?” 

Why do we scream at each other?

Jason wanted to say - yes, of course it does. 

But it felt so much more complicated than that. 

“Gar-” He barely choked the name out before he was cut off. 

Gar couldn’t stand to hear more excuses - more reasons as to why Jason was going to cut and run. He reached a hand up to Jason’s neck and pulled him into a kiss before anything else could come spilling from his mouth. 

It felt like trying to desperately claw his way into the front door of a home he once knew - a house that was now cold and abandoned as Jason stood stalk still, purposefully not kissing him back. Jason wasn’t letting him in - not giving him a single sign that there was any love left there. That there had even been love here in the first place. 

Deep down, Jason was terrified. If he gave in and kissed Gar back - he would be done for. He would be opening himself up to a world of hurt that he once thought he could erase with doses of Anti-Fear Gas. 

Gar was used to playfulness; teeth nibbling on his lips, laughter in the air. He was used to a hand reaching for the tie on the front of his sweatpants while that cocky voice muttered lustful ‘threats’ against his mouth - something about how he was ‘going to get it’ - when in actuality, Jason was always the one who ended up a moaning mess on his cock. 

Tears spilled hotly from the corners of his eyes and a sobbed choked out from the back of his throat when Jason was completely still against him. He was being so coldly denied - Jason was like stone, fighting off everything he had missed most from Gar because he still felt like he had to run, and this was nothing more than a distraction from that. 

“Please.” Gar wept against his mouth. 

It was one of the hardest things he had ever done, but - Jason didn’t move. 

This is what it sounds like: When Doves Cry.

Gar pulled back harshly then. When his wet eyes fell to the Triforce printed in the middle of Jason’s chest, further signaling that it wasn’t his shirt (because he likely had no clue what the symbol meant or what it even was) - Gar felt a wave of rage overtake him. He gripped the hem of the green shirt and didn’t hesitate to yank it up over Jason’s head. Rather than the typical heat that this action would lead to, there was nothing but bitter tension in the air as Gar waved the ball-up fabric in front of Jason’s face. 

“This is mine.” He choked out, barely holding back a wave of sobs. “So - so if you’re leaving, you can’t take it with you. You can’t be that much of an asshole. You can’t just take everything that belongs to me.” 

Gar choked on his own words, holding back more. 

They both knew that the words held a dangerous double meaning. If he was going to run, he would be taking so much that belonged to Gar - so much more than some fabric that they had once blissfully shared. 

He would be ripping Gar’s heart out of his chest and taking it with him. 

Jason looked at him with tears now leaking from his eyes. Oceanic blue swimming in bloodshot red - not a pretty sight, by any means. He took in a heavy breath, but his stomach was visibly trembling where he was holding in his own sobs. 

He wanted Gar to tell him to stay. He didn’t want Gar to be okay with him leaving - he wanted it to be such a fight that he couldn’t just walk away. 

Touch if you will, my stomach.  Feel how it trembles inside.  You’ve got the butterflies all tied up.  Don’t make me chase you - even doves have pride. 

Gar - still feeling the need to comfort Jason, even stewing in all his anger toward this man he called lover, enemy, or friend - dropped the shirt on the floor and reached out, smoothing his hands over Jason’s hips. He leaned in and laid the most feather-light butterfly kisses across Jason’s shoulder, and Jason choked on another sob. 

Gar smoothed a hand over Jason’s stomach, and under the intense heat of Gar’s large palm - his muscles calmed. Any cries of anguish died off inside of him and he was able to gather enough breath to speak as Gar laid a gentle cheek on his shoulder. 

“You - you can’t do this.” Jason whispered, the weakest protest he could have come up with. 

Gar only hummed in response. This close to Jason, he could almost feel that thing inside Jason, yearning for him, crying out to him. 

He knew that Jason didn’t want to leave. He knew that if he was patient, Jason would crumble to the need as much as he was. 

He already felt as though he had won. 

“You’re a fucking hypocrite.” Jason added on, his words slightly steadier now. He curled his fingers into the fabric of the shirt Gar was wearing - the one he had picked up off of Jason’s bedroom floor when he had landed. “This is mine.” 

Gar wanted to make some sarcastic jest about how he wasn’t planning on leaving while wearing it - but he became choked up at how the words sounded. As though Jason was truly claiming him - something he had been waiting to hear for so damn long. 

He lifted his head to ask if it was true - if Jason would stay for him or if they could flee together - but Jason caught the back of his neck and slammed their lips together, stealing any words that Gar was planning to speak. 

There was a certain fierceness that followed next - a battle of stubborn wills that was as stiff and tense as their words. 

Passion and love and anger are spears all lined up on the same fence, all equally sharpened - Gar was still angry with Jason for leaving in the first place and never coming back. He still blamed Jason for all those months of bitter loneliness that he had felt, for being left there in the Tower with no help when Cadmus had attacked. Deep in the back of his mind, there was a fantasy of the night they attacked - of Beast Boy and Robin operating as the perfect team to snub out evil. 

Jason was still mad at Gar for not chasing him, for not asking him to come home. Mad at him for not making more of an effort, for siding with Dick on seemingly everything. 

He had no clue how hard Gar had fought to bring him home. How much Gar’s voice had burrowed into the ears of the others, especially Dick, being the only remaining one to speak up, vouching for Jason’s good side. If he had been a fly on the wall, perhaps he would have bowed at Gar’s feet, thanking him. 

But instead - these lopsided views created a bitter stubbornness. Something that made the kiss feral and angry - gnashing teeth and hot, hard breaths as they grabbed and groped at each other, battling with their own anger and swelling up with that love they tried so hard to deny. 

Why bother staying so angry with someone if you didn’t care about them? Why take that much time and effort to be pissed off if you wouldn’t just forgive the person out of love at the end of the day? 

Jason ripped off Gar’s shirt - the borrowed shirt that only further reminded him of everything he had missed out on, the home he couldn’t come back to. He threw it to the floor, trying his best to forget about it - but this only made way for Gar’s hot skin underneath his own, forcing more temptation as they made more skin-on-skin contact. 

He let out a kind of wounded sound when Gar gripped the back of his head and swept down, his mouth tracing along Jason’s neck, digging his teeth in. He was still unsure if he was trying to claim Jason in that animalistic way and make it impossible for him to leave or if he was just taking that anger out on him, trying to cause a little bit of pain - trying to make Jason feel a fraction of what he had felt. Either way, his teeth were savage and frantic on Jason’s skin, and Jason’s nerves screamed pleasurably with the full effects of it. 

“Fuck,” Jason moaned out as Gar sunk his teeth in harder. “Fuck you.” 

Gar was about to make some clever reply - the typical ‘you should’ or ‘I’m trying to’. 

But he was caught off guard, silenced when Jason put a hand in the middle of his now bare chest and shoved him back toward the bed - causing him to sprawl beside the bag that Jason had been trying to steal away with. He poofed out across the luxurious, expensive mattress; there was a worrying second as he looked up at Jason when he believed that Jason might just pick up that bag and run. 

He could use this as his opportunity to flee. 

But instead, Jason eyed him up and down heavily - lustful eyes casting a thick gaze over Gar’s body. Looking over every inch of him carefully, from his now ruffled hair, down across his heaving chest, to the place where Jason’s borrowed pants were hanging low on his hips - the thickness of his hard cock very apparent between his thighs with no underwear on underneath them. 

Jason knew it was temptation. Fondness. 

At the time, perhaps he considered it ‘one last hurrah’. But in truth, it was the breaking point - the point of no return. The point at which Gar had truly hooked him in and reeled him back. Between those big, beautiful brown eyes staring up at him with a combination of intense affection and fear at the possibility of him leaving and that fat cock practically calling to him - Jason was done for. 

Jason reached for the button on his own pants, and Gar remained frozen for a moment. 

“Well,” Jason said impatiently. Gar still didn’t move, unsure what was expected of him in that moment. “Get your fuckin’ pants off. I know you’re not shy about stripping down, ya damn nudist.” 

Gar felt the tension leave his body with a stiff exhale. He wanted to make some smartass comment, but found himself lacking. Instead, he became distracted by rushing to get the pants off and watching the flexing of Jason’s muscles while he worked to get his own pants and boots off. 

All he could muster up was: 

“You - you’re an asshole,” Gar chuckled out, throwing Jason a genuine smile as he kicked the fabric off his ankles, leaving himself wonderfully bare in the middle of the bed. 

Gar’s eyes traced over Jason’s naked body - he seemed more thick and muscular than the last time Gar had seen him. Had he been training harder in the time that he’d been gone? Though his overall build was still much the same - matching Gar in stature, though Gar’s muscles were leaner and softer compared to Jason now. And if Gar wasn’t mistaken, Jason’s cock was bigger? Though that seemed more like a trick of the eye. (Though, it was still a good two or three inches smaller than Gar’s, which Jason often called ‘monstrous’ and joked that he could barely walk after taking.) 

Gar didn’t have too much time to admire Jason’s nudity before Jason was on top of him, bumping their cocks together as he climbed onto Gar’s lap. 

Gar let out a harsh growl from deep within his chest at the feeling of his sensitive dick being touched by someone else for the first time in months - for the first time since Jason had stormed away from the Tower in a fit. Since then, he’d had nothing but his own hand and distant memories of Jason fueled by the fading smell on the clothes he’d left behind. 

Even then, it’s not like he had the opportunity or even the desire to touch himself all that often - not with the chaos going on in his life. So having a warm body in his lap again - the warm body of someone he had missed so fucking much - it reignited the fire inside of him like poking holes in a gasoline tankard and lighting a match. 

“Fuck, Jay.” 

Gar reached up and tightly, possessively grabbed Jason by the ass, pulling him closer instinctively. This caused the echo of a whimper from within Jason’s throat as he bent down to take Gar’s lips again. Jason’s hands planted firmly on the hard muscle of Gar’s chest and Gar kept that needy grasp on Jason’s ass - wanting to keep Jason as close to him as possible. 

The touch quickly turned into moving Jason on top of him, grinding Jason’s body on top of his so that their cocks were gyrating together - a perfectly filthy clash of hot skin that fit together so well after they had been apart for too long. 

They moaned into each other’s mouths and Jason forced his tongue past Gar’s sweet, pink lips - as if he was still trying to put up that fight, still trying to show that he held some power over the man underneath him. Gar’s cock was leaking furiously and soon the slide of their two cocks became wet and glossy while Gar’s bright pink cockhead was continually nudged against his stomach, making a mess against his abs and staining slickness all over Jason’s eager, throbbing dick. 

“Fuck. Fuck, man.” Jason hissed, pulling away from the kiss, a new urgency pumped into him. 

Gar felt a slight streak of disappointment when Jason looked away from him - like a fictional pixie, fading away for the slightest moment without Jason’s attention. The feeling was doubled when Jason took the touch of his chest. He actually found himself whimpering like a pathetic puppy as he wondered what Jason was doing. 

It made a bit more sense when Jason frantically unzipped his would-be getaway bag - rifling through the pockets, ripping out spare underwear and - fuck, of course, more of Gar’s bright green shirts that he had stolen - until he came back with a bottle in hand. 

Lube. 

Of course. Of course that would be something Jason considered to be an essential to travel with when he was stealing away into the night, never to be seen or heard from again. 

Gar would have made some kind of joke about it, but he found his mouth dry, and he was far too horny and mesmerized, his blood pumping through him at top speed as he watched Jason. Who uncapped the bottle and squirted some onto his fingers - then his hand disappeared behind him while he tensed his thighs and hiked his body higher up onto his knees, clearly with the intent to finger himself open in preparation for Gar’s cock. 

Gar huffed out hot breath. 

It had been so damn long. 

He felt his cock pulse with fierce need and spurt out more pathetic spurts of precum, making his stomach even more shiny as it began to pool inside his belly button. He rubbed his hands lovingly over Jason’s thighs as he continued to watch with the utmost rapture, his eyes drinking in every single inch of the beautiful body in front of him - the flexing muscles, the sharpness of Jason’s hips, the thickness of his thighs, the way his perfect, modest cock bobbed between his thighs while he worked. His plump, pink bottom lip snagged between his teeth while he tried to contain his moans. Something that turned the sounds into the most beautiful little grunts that Gar had ever heard. 

After a few moments, Jason pulled his fingers from himself with a sinfully wet sound, and then he reached for the bottle of lube again. Gar was surprised though when he went straight to pouring the shockingly cool liquid across Gar’s cock. 

Typically it took them a lot more work to get Jason ready to take Gar, seeing as he was a bit longer than nine inches, impressively thick - and though he tried his hardest to be gentle - when Jason begged him and nagged him with purpose, he could sometimes get carried away. (Jason claimed that he liked the feeling of soreness afterwards, but Gar sometimes felt guilty for letting go of self control and pounding into Jason like an animal.) 

“You - you want more help?” Gar choked out. 

With Jason’s hand on his cock, spreading the wetness, he was already pushing his orgasm down past the onslaught of sensations - the lube warming under Jason’s hot touch, the purposefully loose grip that Jason had on his dick that just made him itch and made him want more. 

Jason grunted in reply. 

“I fucked myself this morning.” He said, distinctly not making eye contact with Gar. Instead, continuing to stare at his own hand as he picked up the bottle and poured more wetness around his grip on that impressive, thick cock, and then spread it around. 

He almost added on: ‘I was thinking about you when I did it.’ 

But somehow, even now - that felt too emotionally vulnerable. 

Gar quickly became swallowed up by heated thoughts of this. He became consumed by the visual image of Jason splayed out on a bed somewhere, (wherever he had been staying since he had left), fucking himself with his fingers shoved deep inside his well-lubed hole while his other hand moved frantically on his cock. Or even better, pounding a toy inside of himself like the one Gar had found snooping through his room while looking for anything he could use to help Jason against Crane. 

He would look so fucking good like that, spread open on the unforgiving thickness of the silicone, desperate whines and moans coming from his lips because it was good, but it just wasn’t right. It wasn’t enough. It wasn’t perfect like having Gar’s hot body on top of him while Gar’s big cock carved out a spot deep inside his guts- 

While Gar was distracted by these thoughts, Jason took the opportunity to line up the now well-lubed dick with his prepped hole and sink down onto Gar without another word. This caught Gar off guard, stealing his breath in the best way. It was smooth and slick and he didn’t waste a second before putting his entire body weight onto Gar, letting his ass rest flush with Gar’s pelvis so that Gar’s impressive cock was fully inside of him. 

“Jay - oh, fuck.” 

Gar let out a chest-rattling moan and quickly became dizzy, and it didn’t even occur to him that Jason had skipped putting a condom on him. So, this was the first time that he was bare inside Jason, absolutely no barriers between them. He couldn’t mentally comprehend it, and all he could think was - of course it was hotter, of course it felt better - he hadn’t seen Jason for so long, he had forgotten how perfect Jason felt around him, he had forgotten that it felt this fucking good. 

“God, fuck, Gar, your dick-” Jason mumbled out, clearly lost in a haze of pleasure himself. 

Jason didn’t waste a second - with Gar too pleasure-numb, Jason simply took what he needed. He planted his hands on Gar’s chest while Gar’s hands rested dumbly on his thighs, and he began frantically bouncing up and down on Gar’s dick, impaling himself on that beautiful big cock, quickly creating a good rhythm. He watched with awe and swelling adoration as his eyes locked on the man below him. 

Gar looked so perfect like this. 

His body was a sculpture of perfection, like Adonis himself, carved from marble. Every single time Jason got him naked in bed, he wondered how the hell he had gotten so lucky. With his pink lips parted as increasingly loud moans escaped him and his brows creased with pleasure, bits of that distinct green hair stuck to his forehead from the efforts. His stomach fluttering and flexing every single time Jason slammed his hips down and took Gar back inside him fully, Gar’s body glistening with sweat, slick from their encounter so far - he was a picture of perfection, not a single flaw that Jason could pick out.

And while his hole was tingling with the pleasure of having Gar inside him again and his cock was throbbing as it danced between them, beginning to sputter out precum now - he was beginning to ache with a brand new need. 

He was chasing a sexual need, of course, but he was also growing frantic with an emotional need that he had pushed down for so many months. He had missed Gar so fucking much. So much it hurt - and he had used so much to try and forget about it - the Anti Fear gas, the intense focus on Crane’s mission, the booze, the distance. 

But now it was all right here in front of him - those moans he had missed so much, that green hair, the smell of someone so distinct that he had tried huffing off clothing like a drug that he couldn’t buy anywhere off the street. He swallowed thickly and tried his best to hold back tears, and was only reminded of this more when Gar’s fingers dug into his hips - a firm but loving grasp that only more deeply reminded him of who he was fucking. Reminded him of what he had missed out on. 

“Dammit,” Jason huffed out. “Fuck - your-your cock is so good,” 

Usually he was a motormouth during sex. He was infamous for never shutting up until his orgasm hit him like a truck. If it was spitting out ‘fuckboy’-esque promises that he never could keep because he usually wasn’t the one fucking Gar’s brains out (but rather, mindlessly taking a cock), or horny blabbering as he begged for more - his tongue was constantly sputtering out something while Gar touched him. 

So he thought that talking would be a good distraction from the horrible knot in his gut - from this thing that he was feeling. He didn’t need to deal with those stupid fucking feelings right now. He just didn’t. 

“So fuckin’ big.” Jason whined. “You feel so good inside me.” 

Gar grunted in return, taking a tighter hold on Jason’s hips and helping more now. He helped Jason slam down harder, causing a harsher collision of their skin each time - a sharp, wet slapping that sounded absolutely sinful in the room. It made Jason feel fuller somehow, and he let out a downright whorish sound, struggling to get out his next words. 

“God - I - fuck -” He whined. “Your cock - Gar - you feel so-” 

“Yeah.” Gar breathed back in reply, encouraging him. “Yeah, Jay.” 

With another hard slam of Gar’s hips up into his hole, Jason’s mouth was knocked loose. 

“Missed this dick.” He breathed out. “Missed this - missed this so much. Missed you.” 

It was a stubborn admission that even the world’s harshest torture couldn’t have pulled out of him. But the feeling of Gar’s cock deep inside of him, those fingers digging into his flesh like he owned Jason - that was enough to have his tongue loosening around his secrets and have him spilling into vulnerability like it was his fucking job. 

Jason didn’t have enough time for the sting of regret to settle over saying the words, because something inside Gar snapped. The mourning in Jason’s voice, knowing that Jason has missed him just as much - he went from dumb and lustful as Jason bounced on his cock to swelling with that passionate anger once again. He had missed too much time with Jason, and he needed to make up for it. He needed Jason to know that he couldn’t just run away - that he mattered. 

He became filled with the determined need to show Jason that he couldn’t leave - he could never leave, because Gar had missed him too. 

Gar loved him. Gar needed him. 

They needed each other. 

Gar grabbed him around the waist and with a deep growl that was truly bordering on animal this time, he flipped Jason over onto his back. His cock slipped out of Jason, slick from the lube, causing Jason to make a startled, disappointed noise as he suddenly felt far too empty. When Gar leaned over Jason and felt Jason’s getaway bag brushing against his knee, a swell of offense came over him. He reached for the bag, shoving it off the bed without a second thought - spilling clothes and other random items across the floor out of the open zippers, something that neither of them paid any mind to in the following hours. 

“Please, Gar-” Jason breathed out, and from there, anything else in the world was shut out for him and Gar. 

Maybe what they had done before could never be considered making love - but they certainly had their moments. Times when Jason would kiss Gar’s forehead after making him cum, before getting out of bed without a word. Times when Gar grabbed both of Jason’s hands and interlocked their fingers while he rocked his cock deep inside of him. But for the most part, they fucked filthy and horny and desperate. They fucked like two guys in a race to get each other off - and it worked for them. 

But this felt different. 

As Gar slipped his cock back inside of Jason, he locked eyes with the man below him and a spark ran through him that said this was different. This wasn’t turning to the closest warm body out of convenience or boredom. This wasn’t just a friendship with some very particular, spectacular benefits. This was the intense gaze of a lover, locked into a stare that said the rest of the world was locked out, completely forgotten just because Gar was touching him. 

This was coming home. 

This meant that nothing else mattered - no past transgressions, no supposed mistakes, no demanding corrupt figures that had used them as pawns in their own games - none of it could even be seen as Jason locked his knees around Gar’s lower back, holding him tightly in place, silently begging him not to go too far. 

A quiet: please, don’t leave me, I need you. 

I need you just as much as you need me. I swear it. 

Gar held back more tears, and his next huff of breath turned into another low growl - a sound that had Jason whining quietly and clenching down on his cock. That hint at his more animal side had always been something Jason had liked - especially knowing that Gar was the most tame ‘beast’ he had ever met. Ironic, considering that Gar could turn into a six hundred pound tiger and he could shred people with his teeth at will. But Gar was the most gentle person Jason had ever known - someone he trusted with his life within a day of knowing him. Someone better than his own blood relatives and shitty foster ‘families’ who had tossed him out onto the street without a second thought. 

Gar was never a beast, no matter what he was capable of. 

“Please.” Jason begged, his voice slightly choked and breathless. 

He held on tightly to the side of Gar’s face, the other hand straying around to grip the back of Gar’s shoulder - and though Gar’s cock was already throbbing and threatening to blow far too early, he knew he couldn’t deny Jason any longer. 

Gar pressed his forehead into Jason’s neck, unable to stand the piercing interrogation of that gaze - looking for atonement, looking for validation, looking for love. Gar would give him all of those things, and he fucking will - but he couldn’t concentrate on that and delivering a quality fuck at the same time. Jason deserved that, too. He deserved to cum in a spectacular and satisfying way. 

With his concentration a bit steadier, Gar began to fuck his hips forward - fucking into Jason in slow, smooth strokes. 

“Jay, fuck,” He moaned out. “So fucking good. You’re so fucking good.” 

Jason let out a high whine in return and Gar sped up his hips - fucking into Jason faster, but nowhere near as fast as Jason had been riding him. It was still so tender and slow, deep and firm as the thickness of his cock truly made a home inside of Jason that reminded them both exactly where he belonged. 

Jason’s voice warbled - becoming nothing but a nonsensical echo of weak sounds dispersing into the air. Gar couldn’t help himself; he kissed a trail from the middle of Jason’s chest up his neck once again, taking the time to lay a few more possessive bites across Jason’s neck before he reached his face. When he felt roughness under his lips, it truly sunk in that Jason had been hurt - he had picked up a few injuries while fighting to defend him and the other Titans. Jason had put his body on the line for them. 

How could Jason ever be bad if he was willing to get hurt in order to protect his family? 

A swell of passion and possessiveness streaked through him again. 

His tongue sneaked out of his mouth and he licked over the cut above Jason’s eye like a cat trying to lick the wound clean, all of his instincts heightened with the lust pumping through him. Something in his lust-drunken brain was screaming at him that Jason needed this care, and nothing more than the saliva from his tongue would make Jason feel better. 

He did this, kitten licking across the cut, while he continually ground his hips deeply against Jason’s, stuffing his cock ever deeper into Jason’s needy hole. It made for a breath-taking combination of care, attention, and heat that made Jason’s stomach curl. 

“Gar-” He gasped out. “I - ah - fuck!” 

Gar gave another little lick and then moved to grab both of Jason’s hands, entwining their fingers on both sides as he had done in the past. Previous times Jason had laughed about it or called him cheesy, or even suggested that Gar use handcuffs instead if he truly wanted to pin Jason down. But this time, as Gar brought the grip of their tangled hands up above Jason’s head and continued fucking him so deeply. Jason only let out another shuddering gasp and looked Gar in the eyes with a glassy look that said he was truly gone. 

He had surrendered everything to Gar now. 

He couldn’t have run from this if he tried. 

“Come on,” Gar grunted, slamming his hips a little harder, a little more determined - pulling back a bit more, going a bit deeper. It was a motion that pulled louder sounds from Jason, that made him tremble. 

“Cum for me.” He breathed into Jason’s ear. “Cum on my cock - so good for me. Cum for me, show me how much you missed me.” 

Gar kept Jason pinned by their joined hands and by his hips holding Jason tightly to the bed. With his cock slamming into Jason in fierce, heavy, hard strokes - and with Jason’s cock jostling between them, brushing against Gar’s impossibly hot stomach - it was difficult for him to deny the order. With those words spoken in that perfect voice, floating in his ears, the orgasm shot through his body like his soul awakening - like he was truly feeling himself for the first time since he had woken up after The Pit. 

“Shh - shit! Ah! Fuck!” 

He gasped and struggled to get air into his lungs, and Gar cloaked his mouth over Jason’s gaping lips, fucking him right through it. Jason’s cock jumped and jolted between them, painting both their stomachs with his cum while his hole tightened and clenched around Gar - while he shook beneath Gar and tightly grasped Gar’s hands. 

It was utterly perfect. 

“Please, please, please-” Jason gasped, frantic. 

He needed Gar to cum, too. He needed the feeling to be complete. 

Gar let out another growl, shoving his head into Jason’s neck, taking a healthy whiff of his sweat as he fucked his hips hard into Jason. 

“Mine.” He growled possessively into Jason’s skin. “Mine, mine, mine-” He punctuated each slap of his hips into Jason’s ass with the word, his mind filled with this as though it were the one true thing in the world. 

“Mine.” 

A final pathetic dribble of cum escaped Jason before Gar’s cock began pumping into him. As he came, Gar’s teeth latched onto his neck once again, biting down hard enough to pull blood this time - creating a twinge of copper under Gar’s tongue and wringing even more inhuman sounds out of Jason. 

Gar pressed his hips as deep as possible into Jason, making them both utterly high on the feeling of his cum fucking deep into Jason for the first time. Jason feeling it so warm inside of him and having it pool and leak down over Gar’s balls - it only further reminded them how utterly close they were, how deeply Gar had marked Jason, how Jason was cursed to return back to Gar because he needed this - it was a deep reminder of how Gar was his home. 

Tears leaked from Jason’s eyes and Gar licked them away, grinding his hips deep into Jason - causing stray whimpers and aftershocks of pleasure while his cock began to soften. 

“God, oh-” 

“I know.” Gar replied, his voice more ragged than he imagined it should be. 

When he pulled out, it felt like a shock to both of their systems. Too empty, too distant - even still so close to a warm body, too cold. 

Jason’s first instinct was to get up and go to the bathroom to clean up. Especially feeling the stickiness and the mess all over his body as he came down from the high. But Gar rolled onto his back and put a tight arm around his back. 

“Sleep now.” Gar told him, puffing out an oddly cute little yawn. For someone who had just fucked his brains out - he now resembled a sleepy little house cat. 

Jason found that he couldn’t really argue with that. 

… 

Even though Jason was exhausted and hadn’t slept much in the past few weeks, he woke up long before Gar did. 

There was still so much worry plaguing him. 

Oddly enough, Gar’s snoring was more of a comfort than it was a disturbance. It reminded him of sharing a wall with Gar when their bedrooms had been so close together; when he had laid awake at night after scurrying out of Gar’s bed at top speed after they had fucked, wondering what it would have been like if he had decided to stay. 

Back then, it felt like the end of the world to open up to Gar. But now, he couldn’t help but to wonder if it would have saved him in the long run. 

Titans Tower was never the perfect place for him. It only ever felt livable because Gar had been there. They grew so close so quickly - at the time, Jason had tried to convince himself that it was just friendship. That it was the delusion of being stuck in close quarters. Gar was convenient - he was a good fuck, close by, and he was hot. He was someone Jason could get off with while Dick and Bruce had him locked up. And most of all, Gar was pleasant to be around. He didn’t look down on Jason like he was just some street rat, and he didn’t expect Jason to perform miracles just because he had taken on the mantle of Robin. 

Gar treated him like an equal. At the time, that was the best that Jason could ask for. 

Jason didn’t think there were any possible downsides to being close with Gar, and letting himself have some sexual relief in the process. 

Until Deathstroke. 

If he had any feelings for Gar, he had been suppressing them, and then - Gar argued with him about going out to hunt down Doctor Light. He felt betrayed. He felt like Gar didn’t understand him anyway, like Gar would always side with Bruce’s favorite - Good Old Dickie. The one thing he had been putting Gar on a pedestal for - treating him as an equal - was slashed away within seconds. 

Back then, Jason couldn’t think rationally. He felt like he needed to capture Doctor Light and bring him in to get back in Bruce’s good graces, to show the Titans what he could do. He had no clue that Gar was scared for him; that he was acting out of fear, trying to protect Jason. (Something he would continue to do no matter what, apparently.) 

At the time, Jason was insecure and stir crazy and he let it get to him. 

And then, he was blindfolded, strapped to a chair, stabbed, and beaten, and all he could think of was how much he was going to disappoint Gar. How much he was going to hurt him. Bruce, Dick, and the other Titans were the farthest thing from his mind - all he could think about were the last time those soft lips had been on his, the flash of green hair. The utterly disappointed look Gar had given him when he had declined to call Dick for back-up before going into the train tunnels. 

Gar thought Jason was stupid. But Gar was so damn soft-hearted. And Jason couldn’t stop thinking about how much he was going to hurt Gar with his idiotic antics. How much he was going to take from someone who didn’t deserve it. 

As he was strapped to that chair, watching Deathstroke sharpen the sword, all he could think about was the look on Gar’s face - the tears he was going to cry when he was eventually told about Jason being sliced open. Especially because he knew that Gar would blame himself for not saving Jason, for not calling Dick sooner - and it was all Jason’s own stupid fault. 

When he got back, somehow unscathed, he kept his distance from Gar. It hadn’t happened then, but the day would come when he would bring Gar a lot of undue pain - and if he started severing their ‘friendship’ now, then he could eventually soften the blow. At least, that was his line of thinking. He kept far away from Gar’s room when he needed that comfort more than ever, thinking that it would both do them better in the long run. 

When a knock came on his door, he was surprised that it was Rose, and not Gar - and he was pissed off and annoyed more than anything. She was persistent and he was tired. 

When she barged her way in, he found a particular part of his brain nagging at him - telling him that technically, he was still single. He shouldn’t get so attached to Gar anyway, because it would only hurt them both later on. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to be attached - he wanted to know that he could run at any time. He needed to know that he wouldn’t get hurt. More importantly, that he wouldn’t hurt someone soft and caring like Gar. 

He wanted to be able to say that everything going on between him and Gar was just sex. 

So he let himself kiss Rose. 

And he felt absolutely nothing. 

When she told him: ‘Don’t be stupid and maybe it’ll happen again.’ 

He wanted to bark out: ‘It won’t.’ 

But he didn’t want to lay it all out. He didn’t want to tell her of all people that he was in love with his best friend and that’s why he wasn’t available. He wasn’t ready to say it out loud - and that’s why he settled for simply telling her to loudly fuck off as he stormed out of Titans Tower, determined to be alone. Especially when Gar did nothing more than stare him down with sad eyes, not moving a muscle, making no efforts to chase him. 

He was meant to be alone. Or so he thought. 

It was very clear that Gar had other plans. 

Gar - who was currently snoring beside him with the presence of a slumbering lion. Perhaps Gar had skewed his idea of what it might actually be like to sleep beside a lion - wholly warm, downright hot, with heat radiating off his skin like a furnace, utterly soft and cuddly even though he was so muscled, someone who slept with his mouth agape and snored loudly - but in a pleasantly rhythmic way. He was a perfect, quaint, slumbering beast. 

He made Jason feel safe. 

It was not a luxury Jason had often in life. Maybe it was the thing that kept him coming back to Gar, again and again - that precious feeling of safety. It truly was better than any drug. 

More and more presently by the minute, Jason was reminded of the mess - the unpleasant drying cum between his cheeks and on his lower stomach, leaking out of him and no longer pleasantly warm. It made him want a shower. He didn’t want to scare Gar by having him wake up to an empty bed, but he also didn’t want to wake him, steal sleep away from him when he clearly desperately needed it. 

Jason nudged his way to the edge of the bed, trying to sneak away to the bathroom - but when he heard a harsh snort from Gar, he knew him well enough to know that this had signaled the end of his sleep; a harsh jolt awake. 

“Where are you going?” Gar mumbled tiredly, not even having his eyes fully open yet before he frantically looked around for Jason. 

“I was just gonna go shower, crawl outta my ass.” Jason hissed back, still feeling a bit raw and defensive. 

He knew that Gar would sacrifice anything for him, but he still felt unworthy. Like a puffer fish growing big in defense, Jason was spitting out sourness in a last-ditch attempt to get Gar to change his mind - to shift his thinking last minute and suddenly see the truth: to find him unworthy. 

Jason was almost shocked when Gar smiled. 

Gar held back a clever quip about how he had made a home inside Jason’s ass and he wasn’t going to change that now. 

“I’ll come with you.” He said instead. “Hot shower sounds nice right about now.” 

“You should stay and sleep.” Jason told him, still teetering on the edge of the bed. “You’re clearly tired.” 

“And you’re not?” Gar probed back. 

There was a moment of tense silence. Jason didn’t offer up a reply. 

“Come on, what’s this about?” Gar asked, fully opening his eyes now, propping himself up on one elbow to stare Jason down. 

“After I get dressed, I have to go and talk to Dick.” Jason declared. 

The words were heavy in the air. 

The admission that he no longer felt the need to run. That he wanted to make an effort to stay, that he actually wanted to ask for his place back with the Titans. 

Gar wanted to squeal with glee. Naturally, he held himself back. There would be a few more bumps in the road before Jason was officially home. 

“Not by yourself.” Gar told him sharply. 

Jason’s jaw clenched. He was afraid to admit that he needed the help. It was something he had been afraid of for a long time. 

But he knew that without Gar’s help, without Gar vouching for him in Dick’s eyes, the conversation would likely only go one way. 

And he needed to come home. He needed to stay. 

Jason felt weak, and his voice was quiet when he finally mustered it up. 

“Okay.” 

It was a weak surrender. But things between him and Gar had never been that kind of battle. Not the kind of battle that he had with Bruce, or with Dick, or even with himself. There was never any true hatred there. Just the kind of fierce anger you feel when you love someone so much that you fear losing them. 

So this surrender didn’t feel like a stain on his record - didn’t feel too much like giving up, after all. Not when the picture he ended up with had him and Gar in the same frame. It was something that made him feel more content and less defeated when Gar poorly concealed a smile in response - and then pulled him in for a kiss before getting up to grab towels for their shower.

...

A/N: This is a standalone oneshot, so please do not ask for a second part or a continuation. If you are going to comment, please comment about the body of work that has been written.

Also, typically, I don't write character x character fics, so if you randomly found this in tags and you really like it - I apologize, because the rest of my masterlist is not like this and I won't be writing anything else like it anytime soon. I do write a lot of Titans fics and I have a lot more of them on my masterlist, so if you enjoy my style of smut or if you really enjoy my characterization of these two, then you should definitely check out the other things I have written - particularly No Place Like Home, which has a lot more JayGar scenes in it.

If you do really like my writing style and you want to see Titans x Reader fics (which is what I typically write), then you can follow me and sign up for my DC Titans Taglist by replying to this post asking to be put on the taglist or sending me an ask about it. Anyway, glad you enjoying the fic if you read this far, thanks for reading!!

[mephistopheleswasrobbed]

BL or no BL, is that the question?

I've been wanting to talk about this for a while now but I came across a post in the tags that made me finally do so because I mostly agree.

I make a post every week accumulating all the "proof" I found that Home and Peach are actually gay for each other despite the "not a BL" label of the show. And I used to say in the tags that I don't intend for this to be taken entirely seriously but I kind of stopped doing that because I felt like I was repeating myself but now I think maybe I shouldn't have (I might go back to add those disclaimers back in).

But I would actually be completely fine if the show never has them kiss or plainly state "we are dating" or any other irrefutable "proof" that they are in a romantic relationship. I don't think not doing so would make it queerbaiting and I don't think it would diminish Home and Peach's relationship in any way. (Just to clarify, I would also be fine with it if they do say explicitly that they're in a romantic relationship.)

Personally I don't like the idea of strictly separating romanitic/sexual relationships from platonic ones. In my opinion/experience there can often be overlap between the two or rather many relationships just don't fit neetly into one of those categories.

I'm not an anthopologist and I haven't really done any reading into this so take what I say here with a grain of salt but my impression is that our current understanding of love and relationships is not universal across human history and cultures. Maybe, when we changed the intent of marriage from an economical union between to families, to a proof of love, we went too far in the oposite direction, maybe capitalism has an influence here through its concept of the nuclear family, I honesty don't know. (If you come across this post and do know, feel free to recommend me some resources because I'm genuinely curious about this). Anyway what we have currently is this idea of a strict differentiation and hirarchy with romantic(+sexual) monogamous partnership at the top, familial relationships beneath that and platonic relationships of varying degrees beneath that. And I fundamentally disagree with that idea. I think you can love your friends romanically but still see them as friends and not someone you want to date. I think you can be in a commited partnership with someone you love platonically but not romantically. I think you can love the same person both romantically and platonically to different or varying degrees. And sexual attraction is another factor that varies (imo, and to varying degees for different people) relatively independently from the other two. (I am personally also not a huge supporter of the idea that monogamy is somehow superior to other relationship constellations and I'm convinced that if monogamy wasn't so ingrained into our culture, fewer people would choose that relationship model. Does this have something to do with men wanting to ensure that their offsping is "actually theirs" before the invention of dna testing? Who knows, not me, but I could see that being a factor)

All of that to say, I think the show has so far made it very clear that Home and Peach have grown to love each other and want to form a family together. A family that also includes Pangpang who is Peach's sister by blood and Home's sister by choice going by her contact name in Home's phone. If we compare Home's relationships with Peach and Pangpang it is also clear that Home doesn't view Peach as a brother. I think if one were to ask Home who's more important to him, Peach or any of his numbered ex-girlfriends, the answer would be pretty clear. Even if Home doesn't want to have sex with Peach (but if he does, all the power to him), he clearly views him as more than just a friend (again not that I agree with the idea that frienships are somehow lesser that romanic relationships, in the first place). He views him as someone he wants to be a family with. And imo that's pretty queer.

A lot of discussion of queerbaiting comes from a time and place where studios put little hints of queerness into their shows to hook the queer and shipping viewers but always kept it subtle in a way where the stock standard straight viewer didn't pick up on it because they wanted to have their cake and eat it, too. A lot of frustraition around this comes from the fact that we, as viewers who picked up on those hints, were constantly ridiculed by other fans who didn't want any 'icky homo shit' in their media. And because those "fans" would have never accepted anything but the caracters saying "we are homosexuals in a homosexual relationship" before making out on screen for 10 minutes as "proof" that anything queer might be happening between them, they could always feel like they were "right" and we were "wrong". (It hurt especially when the creators of those shows, who themselves put out the bait, participated in making fun of us.) And a lot of frustraition came from the fact that there wasn't a lot of explicitly queer media easily available to us at that time. So the subtle bait we got made fun of for noticing, was kind of all we had. Obviously we wanted them to make it more explicit, to make it "real".

But neither of these factors are really at play here. (I can't speak to the TV viwership numbers in Thailand, maybe they will contradict me) I don't think Peaceful Property is more popular than it would have been if they had marketed it as a BL (judging by the apparent spike in engagement for ep 7, it might even be the opposite) so I don't think they left it more vague (if that is the route they're going) in order to not alienate a staright conservative audience. There is also definitely not a dearth of explicitly gay media from gmmtv (and we've even gotten to a point where BL characters are increasingly allowed to call themselves gay/bi and aren't portrayed as straight boys who incidentally fell in love with another boy but are definitely not queer or anything).

With this context I think we can (again, if that is what they're going for) portray queer relationships that don't map neatly onto the predominant idea of a romantic relationship and that maybe don't have a sexual component to them.

Thanks for making it through my unorganised rambling. Have a pic of my beloved Chai-Un as a reward.

TL;DR If Home and Peach kiss, that's cool. If Home and Peach don't kiss, that's also cool. Either way what they've got going on is pretty queer.

[askanallo]

ok ive got a question. didnt take long lol

if you’re dating someone, like in a committed monogamous relationship, do you keep feeling attraction to other people? bc based on what i read from you on another post it seemed like so, but it was really a shock to me lol. i sort of thought you just stopped feeling attracted to other people and just felt it for your partner. im not judging! im just wondering how that works

thanks!! :]

I've seen a few people describe not feeling attraction to other people after getting in a relationship, but the far more common thing is that you continue being attracted to other people, you just ignore it because you're in a relationship already.

To most people it's not really a huge deal or some kind of negative experience - if I had a Ferrari, I wouldn't exchange it for a Fiat, even if I thought it was a cute car, if that makes sense. My current relationship with my boyfriend is far more appealing than having to start all over again with someone else.

[genderkoolaid]

as a monogamous aroallo person and an actual political anarchist I wish people would stop equating polyamory to aroalloness. I'm happy for and support polyam aros but it really feels like I'm being erased for being monog the same way some acearos erase aroallos for experiencing sexual attraction while aro. I'm so fucking isolated and to see someone speak authoritively on aroallo stuff and then say people like me are a minority who it's less cool to represent sucks.

I'm not the only monog aroallo person out and there were not even a minority, we just don't speak up because we face pressures from both monogamous and polyamorous people to change what we want out of sexual relationship and be quiet about our desires.

also like don't fucking shame hypersexual aroallos. what's wrong with you?

Okay. I was giving some pointers based on what I, personally, would like to see. I'm sorry if I didn't make it clear enough that mongomous aroallos exist and are good, but I figured that someone whose alloromantic- given that monogamy is the norm in society- would probably lean towards writing a monogamous character anyways, and since I am polyaro, I figured I would bring it up as an option to explore. I did not say or imply that monogamous aros are "less cool."

As for your second ask, this is verbatim what I wrote, with emphasis, since you apparently had a hard time reading it:

Some alloaros do enjoy sleeping around/casual sex. However, if your character engages in that, you should make sure they are a three-dimensional character who clearly has other interests and other personality traits, and is not defined by being hypersexual.

Saying that "make sure your aroallo character who enjoys casual sex is depicted as full human being with other interests, rather than making it seem like they only exist to be sexual" is "shaming" is ridiculous.

[dylanndr]

It Happened to Me: Crushing While Aro/Ace

TL;DR: You don't stop being aro/ace even when you're having feelings that look, on the surface, strikingly similar to what allo people typically feel. Insert the usual caveat that this is about my own personal experience, other folks will have different takes on this topic.

So yeah, I came down with a crush recently, and decided to draw this little diary comic about it.

[For reference and clarity, I identify as demi/gray for both aro and ace. While I do want to be in a relationship, I don't catch feels for very many people. I do experience sexual attraction, but that's even rarer for me than romantic attraction. This particular guy referenced in my comic managed to set off both.]

On a surface level, there's nothing new or original expressed in this drawing. Pretty standard set of anxieties and behaviors when you're crushing, right?

And yet, for folks who are arospec or acespec, having what looks like a standard crush is not necessarily the same thing as allo crushing. This is not a dynamic I see talked about a whole lot, so I'mma talk about it.

By way of analogy, let's say I did a drawing of a cis man and a cis woman who are clearly a couple, and indicate that they're in a monogamous relationship. Nothing on the surface says that this is anything other than a typical heterosexual couple. Except, wait, what if both people involved are bisexual. Being in a monogamous relationship with someone of a different gender does not automatically reset either person to straight, nor can their partnership be accurately described as heterosexual. Neither person enjoys heterosexual privilege, and each person continues to experience and process attraction differently from someone who is straight.

By the same token, an aro and/or ace person experiencing romantic and/or sexual attraction does not automatically become allo. For my own part, the nature of this particular crush has caused certain allo things to make more sense to me, certain songs or movies or phrases or behaviors, but it feels very much like learning a second language: I just figured out the translation for one or two things that were utterly incomprehensible to me before ("Oh, maybe that's why allos don't seem to get bored of yet another rock song that's about sex. Fascinating.")

This crush does not at all mean that I will now be a typical alloromantic/allosexual from here on out. I still experience these feelings from a different vantage point, and bring a different set of past experiences to bear, experiences that many allo people have flat out told me make no sense to them ("What do you mean you weren't aimlessly horny all the time in high school???"). I still approach relationships in ways that seem "weird" to allos. I still won't be up to speed on attraction dynamics that are deeply intuitive to allo people, but that require translation for me to comprehend them.

And it's not like I haven't spent a lifetime trying desperately to understand all of this. I want to be in a relationship, a fact that a number of even my very close friends are shocked to learn, because I don't perform the typical social signals around that correctly, I guess. And when allo people give me dating and relationship advice from an allo perspective, it most often feels like I'm being offered an array of cow tools. What I actually need (if I may spaghettify this metaphor) is an array of bat tools. They won't necessarily look less odd, but they'll at least be the right tools for me.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Good afternoon Sex Witch!

I was hoping you could help me figure out how to change how I think about sex and unlearn some prudishness/ disentangle it from more genuine concerns and red flags.

Yadda yadda conservative small town childhood, classic backstory. I definitely got a sense of… I guess, safety and rightness by being very “these things are always bad”; not just sex things but sex was, of course, still one of the big things. Of course, then came puberty, and getting out of my comfort zone, and realizing how toxic purity culture was. Growing up meant, in part, my learning to do better by re-examining things I’d taken for granted.

That’s why I’m asking: there’s a lot of… lingering discomfort with a few things. I realized I still feel pretty… uncomfortable around people who have a lot of sex with multiple partners, along with the topics of polyamory and open relationships. I’m monogamous and I’m not ashamed of that, and of course I keep my opinions to myself when around friends who are happy in non-monogamous relationships. Cuz like, this is ABSOLUTELY a me-problem. I would just like to not feel like this and be unambiguously happy for people I otherwise love living their best lives.

(I’m also single and shy; I strongly suspect that envy over people who can attract multiple partners when I can’t seem to even attract one is a polluting variable.)

Regardless, do you have any links to point me to or thoughts to help me dismantle this ugly bigotry protoplasm? Cuz I know I’m wrong; I’d just like to get the bit of my brain to stop sending these stupid alarm signals.

hi anon,

okay, so, first I just want to say congrats to you on the obvious massive amounts of work that you've done to identify the biases you were raised with and work to uproot them. I know you're here because you feel you still have work to do, and I respect that completely, but I think it's also important to recognize that you've clearly come very far from what you were raised with. being able to recognize when something is a you-problem is HUGE.

I also want to say, as gently and with as much love as possible, that it may not ever be possible to totally 100% possible eradicate thoughts that we don't like. in a way, the idea that we can and should be able to control our impulsive reactions to things is still very conservative, right? it's the idea of "thought crime," except now instead of being upset at yourself for having a sexual thought it's being upset for having a thought that's not sexually open enough.

while I understand wanting to eradicate that unpleasant little "yuck" response out of your brain forever, I also believe very firmly that your thoughts alone don't define you or your values. okay, so your knee-jerk reaction to someone you love announcing that they're in an open relationship is discomfort. but what are your actions? what are you saying and doing? are you lecturing them about their immoral lifestyle, or are you pushing that discomfort aside and doing your best to be supportive of someone else's happiness even if you don't personally get it?

your actions and how you're treating the people you care about matter a lot more than the thoughts that you can't help.

having said that, it's still nice to have some framework for how to work through those feelings of discomfort to at least see if it's possible to diminish them and change that line of thinking. luckily, sex educator Nadine Thornhill just wrote about this in her latest newsletter, which I definitely recommend checking out - Dr. Thornhill is gem.

so, with full credit and hoping that she would forgive me for borrowing, here's an excerpt from Dr. Thornhill's newsletter:

Like all humans, I have a judgey little mind that is constantly observing, assessing, assuming, inferring, and drawing conclusions based on random stimuli. That’s always happening, even when I’m in sex-educator mode. But what I can do (and you can, too, if you want) is practice being mindful of my judgements, especially negative judgements. The most critical part of the practice has been getting curious about my body signals. When someone makes a sexual decision I don’t like, a question I try to ask myself is: What does that feel like in my body? Sometimes, I’ve struggled to maintain that level of in-the-moment mindfulness when working with real people and consequences.Movies and TV have helped me explore some of that stuff. It’s a safe place to judge fictional folks and their fictional sexual choices freely. Meanwhile, being able to pause, rewind or replay a provocative scene lets me take the time to take stock of my physical reactions. With time and practice, it’s become easier to recognize the specific muscle tension and rapid breathing that signals disapproval. Why is this important? We may not be able to stop ourselves from forming judgements about other people’s sexual choices. But if we understand and acknowledge them as judgements rather than facts, we can work to avoid imposing our will on other people. One way we might do so is by asking ourselves the following questions: Does this person’s decision affect my body, relationships, or autonomy? What would have to be true for me to want to make this same choice? What might make this a positive choice for this person right now? How might my own experiences or situations be affecting my opinion? How can I express kindness and compassion while still respecting their right to make their own choice?

much appreciation to Dr. Thornhill for putting this so succinctly; I'd definitely recommend checking out her work for anon and anyone else!

[sapphire-weapon]

I mean- I'm going to be talking as an ace queer person (not aro), so my experience and views are subjective, obviously. Romance is basically an attraction to another person, no?

'Romance or romantic love is a feeling of love for, or a strong attraction towards another person, and the courtship behaviors undertaken by an individual to express those overall feelings and resultant emotions.' - Wikipedia

For me, the difference between platonic and romantic is not the action being undertaken itself, but the intent behind it. If we're talking physical closeness, there's a difference between wanting to hold hands with someone you're ATTRACTED to, and someone who you only have platonic feelings for. I do hold hands with my friends sometimes. It's a very casual and simple thing. I can attest that there's no romantic connotation behind that whatsoever, and it feels completely different to how it would if I were holding hands with my partner. But I also do want to hold hands with people I love romantically - because I feel romantic attraction to them, and I want to be close to them physically.

The difference is in the intention and feelings, really. And feelings are... notoriously subjective, obviously. Thus why I don't think bringing up aromantics was really a good idea. Queer identities are a notoriously personal and emotional thing to talk about, and you're bound to say something hurtful if you lack that experience, though unintentionally.

As it is stated in the Wikipedia description, romance is a FEELING of attraction. And 'courtship behaviors' wary from person to person based on their culture, upbringing and even their personality.

So I guess what I'm saying is that it's a complicated conversation that everyone will have a different opinion on, based on their identity. And that's why it's so tricky to talk about.

i am a western person with a western perspective who was talking about western people with western perspectives.

i have continuously said that expressions of romance are cultural.

STOP BRINGING OTHER CULTURES INTO A CONVERSATION THAT'S NOT ABOUT THEM.

in a western cultural context, wanting to hold hands with or cuddle with or kiss someone is an expression of romantic desire. this is why it is unacceptable to monogamous people for their romantic partner to do these things with someone other than their partner. "but i did it platonically" is not an acceptable excuse, because we have culturally decided what these actions mean. it's "more than friends" behavior.

even on the flipside of things, one of the most common ways that women protect themselves from creeps while out with friends is to grab the hand of a guy friend and tell him to pretend that he's their boyfriend -- because the sheer visual of two people holding hands is romantic in nature.

so, if you find yourself yearning for that, and you're a western person in a western context, you're yearning for something that you have been raised culturally to see as romantic.

and if you have a situation with your friends where these things are acceptable, then... you're still more than friends. you're friends with benefits. because you're in a pre-arranged agreement to glean intimacy from one another in this way with no emotional strings attached. that's what it means to be friends with benefits. that's more than friends, because regular friendships aren't like that.

i was also speaking in generalities. are there tiny little micro cultures throughout the west where this is a thing? where those expressions of intimacy are completely removed from any romantic intent? sure. but in general, 99 times out of 100, if you find yourself yearning for someone's physical intimacy, you're experiencing a romantic longing for them in a western context. this is how you were raised culturally, and it takes A BIG EFFORT over MANY YEARS to unlearn that and decouple those two concepts.

very often, i see people use "aromantic" as a stand-in for "i don't want a relationship" -- but that's not what it is. but to experience that longing, to experience that yearning -- that is a romantic feeling. even if you don't want to be committed to that person. even if you have no desire to devote yourself to them at all. it's still romantic in nature, because culturally, those things are romantic.

and i have a really hard time believing that random 20 year olds on the internet have managed to completely decouple themselves from their cultural upbringing and totally decontextualize these actions to such an extent that they exist in their own micro culture. more often than not, these are young people who are intimidated by intimacy and sexuality and don't really feel comfortable with who they are yet, so they slap the word "aromantic" on themselves because they don't want to be bothered with romantic pursuits -- but that doesn't mean that they're wholly disinterested in romance.

there's been a pushback in recent years against anything surrounding the words "romance" and "romantic" and that is really what my initial statement was about. "romance" has become almost a dirty word in some fandom spaces, because of people's own personal discomfort with vulnerability and flaws in themselves and others. if it's not romantic, then it's less vulnerable, and so people strive to be as invulnerable as possible.

[oathbreakerapologist]

So we know that Ghost’s sexual relationship with Orin was fucked up in many ways and would result in death for anyone else (literally) but I was wondering what post-tadpole Ghost would be like sexually/romantically with Tav? I can imagine most Tavs would be… hesitant to indulge him in his more extreme desires (not even for “icky” reasons, for literal “bro I am not dying so you can cum on my corpse” reasons)

hey, thanks for the question!! Ghost is... intense in a lot of ways, and that's an unavoidable feature of what he'd be like sexually and romantically.

Just as a behavioral baseline, Ghost is quite energetic, which manifests as a startling amount of physical exuberance—he runs, jumps, skips, climbs on things, and throws heavy stuff around simply because he's hyperactive and he likes to put his strength to work. This is no less true during sexual encounters. He can and will throw people around and fold them in half like a ragdoll if allowed to do so.

Furthermore, because Ghost does not experience pain as an aversive sensation, in sexual contexts he doesn't strongly differentiate pain from pleasure. He has a difficult time anticipating when sexually-charged pain (e.g., biting) stops being erotic and starts being, well, unpleasant. That plus his intense physicality means it is easy for him to unintentionally hurt his partners. But he's also very responsive and attentive, so in sexual encounters in which he cares about his partner, his partner would find it very easy to redirect him whenever things happen to cross over into "a bit too much" territory.

That being said, he's got a strong sadomasochistic streak, and most of the time, he prefers sex to involve pain. How that would manifest with Tav would depend on the individual and how far they're willing to go with him; at minimum, he wants sex to involve biting, slapping, and scratching, and on the more intense side, he craves sex acts involving knives, needles, whips, and chains.

In his first encounters with Tav, Ghost is pretty much exclusively a top. But the more comfortable he gets, the more he opens up to other roles, and with a partner he trusts, he's incredibly versatile. He comes on strong and will dominate his partner if allowed to, but he likes to fight for control, and he'd be thrilled to be overpowered, either physically or just by someone with a stronger will for dominance than him.

In practice, there are very few things that he doesn't like when it comes to sex. As long as his sex life is physically intense, frequent, adventurous, and usually sadomasochistic, he's happy.

His romantic side is simpler in some ways. Ghost has a very limited emotional range, and he's not at all a romantic; he's only debatably capable of love. But he is capable of unhealthily all-encompassing devotion, a loyalty that surpasses everything else he might want or need. This is the ultimate outcome of a romance with him; it's the end-point of an arc that sweeps through phases of curiosity, sexual attraction, and a gradually intensifying obsession. A relationship like this utterly consumes him.

When Ghost is attached to a partner in this way, he is singlemindedly obsessed with ensuring that they get what they want. Nothing else matters. He fully believes that no other person in the world could be anywhere near as interesting, clever, or sensual as his lover. Of course, he can't really get past his own nature; he remains as headstrong, high-strung, and hedonistic as he always has been. But when he is so intensely devoted to another person, all of that intensity is directed towards realizing their goals, and ensuring their satisfaction is as important as ensuring his own.

I've used the singular "person" here, but I actually think he's not strictly monogamous—it's possible for him to end up entangled with two other people (and maybe more, but I think every addition after two becomes significantly less likely to occur, logistically speaking). It would hinge on some very specific circumstances: the other two people would have to be in lockstep about their goals/ambitions/desires, because otherwise he would pretty quickly side with one over the other, and as soon as that happened, he'd almost certainly engineer conflict between the two to drive his beloved closer to him. But a dedicated, ambitious pair who were utterly united in what they wanted from the world could serve as the objects of his affection.

[leam1983]

Polyamory - FAQ

I'll probably append that to the pinned post some day but for now, I'm just dumping a few tidbits here.

1. What's Polyamory?

It's the wholesome, fuzzy, wistful-sigh-triggering distant cousin to polygamy, if you're looking for a hacky and borderline-insulting comparison. Polyamory is what you get when three or more people agree to form a working system together out of love and mutual respect and support. And yes sexual attraction tends to factor between all parties involved - even if polyamory doesn't exclude aro or ace types in any way whatsoever.

In effect, it's very much like your average monogamous arrangement - except there's a third head poking out of a tee-shirt's hole, somewhere. Or a fourth. Or a fifth. In my case, it's just three of us: myself, Sarah and Walt.

2. Is it true that poly people have a Top and a Bottom?

No. We might have preferred positions in bed, but the relationship in and of itself is egalitarian. Walt leads the business we run together and he tends to run our kitchen on Friday and Saturday nights, but Sarah and I take the lead on most other weekdays. We've figured out how to conjoin our aesthetic preferences into a workable mid-point and decorate the condo accordingly.

Like in any relationship, skillsets and inclinations tend to put some of us on top of the pile for certain things. I lead for most of everything Tech-related, and Sarah is the throuple's Face, as it were. If someone needs to be put on Hold for twenty minutes so one of us renews a presciption, she's the one for it. Not out of some Prescriptivist notion, but because I'm sarcastic by nature and can't keep my mouth shut, and because Walt, despite being a Canadian Anglophone, is incapable of truly channelling that fabled Canadian Niceness that gets us out of most binds.

3. But I met this guy in the Leather scene, and-

Ah. You're referring to BDSM, which is a form of playtime between consenting adults. Having a well-contained degradation kink within the confines of an otherwise loving and fair poly space does not make you a Bottom. Bottoms do not exist outside of the exact moment of intercourse. Even then, they only feature as part of similar kinks. Bottoms. Do not. Naturally Exist. Love is love.

4. You sometimes describe Walt as being able to fake Douchebag status. Doesn't that make him top d-

Stop expressing your relationships as a hierarchy. It's toxic as fuck. Stop projecting a guesstimated hierarchy on my loved ones. It's gross. Next question.

5. Can you cheat on each other?

No, of course not. I can disappoint a partner if I leave them out of the loop for too long, but Walt, Sarah and I are currently in a healthy state that allows us to keep tabs on one another efficiently. All three of us get our daily recommended quota of affection, support, love and care. And yes, we also get in plenty of shenanigans. Great loves are always built on solid friendships first, IMHO.

6. Your boyfriend is in his sixties?! Eww!

Guess what: you'll be in your sixties too, some day, assuming no unfortunate events unfold. Walt is just a few steps ahead of me, metaphorically speaking, but we plan on getting the most out of the time we'll have together. For now, he's incontrovertibly and immutably one of us - the one who turned the couple into a throuple.

7. "Throuple"? That'll never catch on...

Not that I asked for your opinion, Random Person, but it fits our needs pretty neatly. We have the dynamics of a couple, but there's three of us. Simple and elegant.

8. Is Walt still gay?

It's irrelevant, honestly. Walt likes the both of us - that's all. He has a slight preference for me when it comes to bedroom stuff, but what began as base fondness for Sarah turned into pseudo-paternal protectiveness, then to cadging a few kisses, and to slowly figuring out what it feels like to kiss a girl when your last hetero experiences date back to when Ontario's Catholic schools were in full swing. Things more or less unfolded from there.

9. So, Walt's bi now, right?

Again, that's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I'll leave the Pride Flag anxiety to people who really do want to make sure they fit in their exact little niche and represent it specifically; I just fly the basic Inclusive Pride design, myself - and I like to keep things discreet. Walt carried the older Pride flag design as a lapel pin for several years, but typically disguised it as a featureless lapel button.

10. You've been poly for how long?

Including my two years spent waffling about and being unsure; about nine years. I met Sarah at my previous job, moved in with her in 2015. I also technically met Walt in 2015, but we didn't become flirtatious with each other or openly attracted to one another until 2019.

11. Did you spend a while thinking you'd gone gay?

Nope. I headed home after Walt first kissed me, gathered my wits and told Sarah. It some getting-used-to on her part, but she knew Walt as a coworker and knew he wasn't the stereotypical Gay Rake. She figured if he'd confessed to me, it had to be serious.

12. Was Walt sad that you wouldn't break up with Sarah for his sake?

Maybe, but for something like a minute or two. We'd discussed Walt earlier, and I figured there was a chance for us to either go from a couple to an at least open relationship, but I was pleasantly surprised when Sarah admitted that she also felt things for Walt.

Everything was cleared up in the span of a single conversation, over dinner.

13. None of this can last, can't it?

Of course it can't last. I'll die, Sarah's also going to croak, Walt's going to shuffle off his mortal coil - leaves fall, the seasons change, atoms shift their positions and constantly unmake and remake the Universe as we know it, quantum entanglement is this ever-changing morass none of us will ever fully tame, and-

Oh, you meant the relationship? Well, that's just none of your business now, isn't it?

[sadcharactersrmykryptonite]

All I am seeing is Boston in my dash and of course I am going to contribute. Character readings can be different for each viewer so this is just my reading of Boston.

Boston's journey ended the exact way he wanted it to. He was going to move to the states and leave his life Thailand behind. It's why he was sleeping around without forming deeper romantic attachments. Why would be tie himself to one person when he was going to leave anyway.

And that is the point of conflict in his relationships. People formed emotional attachments to him but he couldn't care less about them. And yes he was honest about his actions. But him being honest is not going to control the other people's feelings. Or suddenly make them immune to not having feelings about him. And he's not responsible for Nick developing feelings or atom getting or drake getting obsessed. But that's what happens when physical satisfaction is tied to their emotional states in the characters that we have seen.

Boston just doesn't equate sex with feelings and it's not bad. But what he doesn't realise is that what's true or makes sense for him won't necessarily be understood by the people around him.

Boston can't empathise. He sees what he did was wrong ( sleeping with top ) but he doesn't understand why everyone made a big deal out of it. To him it was just sex , just physical not something deeper like emotions or love or feelings.

Nick is important in Boston's development because he bought a counterpoint into his way of doing things. They had a connection, I don't call it love , maybe an obsession, heck every relationship in this show is more obsession then love.

Nick was emotionally attached to Boston. An attraction that Boston encouraged by being very affectionate and sweet. Boston liked the physical part of it, and he really liked having someone to have regular sex with. He thought that was all there is to it. He thought that he has found an equal, someone who seems to like him, worship him even and can match his energy in bed.

But Nick caught him off guard. He's felt betrayed , he missed him. He experienced emotions he never felt with anyone else. Something that was purely physical for him ended In him having an emotional attachment, maybe for the first time.

So he jumped right in , giving declarations that can easily be taken as indicated of an exclusive monogamous relationship , " you're the exception ", " from now on I would only take photos of you ".

But that's not what he intended with that. He likes nick, he not only has a physical attachment to him he also has an emotional attachment to him. In his mind both are seperate not tied together. Which is why he went after Boeing.

But Nick wanted exclusivity and rightfully put a stop to their relationship. Nick knows that they want different things from the relationship but Boston was not equipped to deal with it.

Now Boston is surprised. Because he thought he got it figured out , he promised his emotional loyalty to him , isn't that enough ? But it's not. And Boston is realising that his views about sex and relationships are fundamentally different from everyone else's.

People want exclusivity with the emotional and physical side of a relationship, that's one of the truth's that he realised. It doesn't' make his views wrong,its just different. But after his relationship with nick Boston has got a valuable lesson on how people have their own perspectives , and just because what you are doing is right in your eyes, doesn't mean it's the right thing in someone else's book . ( there's was a whole lot of meta about who decides what's right or wrong in this series )

And because of that it's a good thing that he is leaving. Because now he can find someone with views that aligns with him. And he would know how to communicate that and he could choose for himself friends that understand his views.

It's a good opportunity for him. So for me his story ended in a positive note.

[sky-kiss]

Thinking Man's Asks for you bc you are NOT IMMUNE. Get contemplative, idiot. I'll even link them, since I'm so nice. For Joi.

Eros 2

Eros 5

Philia 3

Ludus 5

Pragma 4

Philautia 1

Oh, you absolute shit-kid. I didn’t even REBLOG THIS. BECAUSE. JESUS.UGH. GROSS. UGH. THINKING.  

Eros 2: How important is sex to them in a relationship?  Do they see it as something essential to their happiness?  Would they be able to remain in a monogamous relationship with someone they loved without sex?

It’d really come down to communication? In a vacuum, sex is very important to her. Durge really screwed up her relationship with it. It wasn’t exactly smiles and rainbows in the murder temple, you know? But if it’s something you “care” about, and the act feels good, it must be positive, right? Sex is also like. Associated with control. 

However, in a genuinely loving relationship post-worming, if her partner explained their own feelings on the matter, she’d likely respect it. I think…if it were a permanent situation, she might have more difficulties? If there was no outlet? If there were alternatives on the table (talking to her while she takes care of herself), it’d be fine. Like, if at any point Shadowheart mentioned being uncomfortable with sex, she’d have stopped for her. 

Eros 5: How closely is their opinion of their own beauty (or lack thereof) linked to their confidence?  Do they see themselves as more or less worthy of love or sex based on how attractive they feel?

Her confidence is largely decoupled from her beauty (though she’s quite vain). That’s tied into her abilities as a sorceress. If you took those away, she’d be a shell of herself. Again, she’s quite vain. I can’t see her thinking that she’s less worthy of love, but she’d definitely feel more sex-averse.  

Unless this is in the DURGE durge days, in which case it wouldn’t matter a damn. Durge Durge Joi didn’t not give a damn about her looks, or love. She was going to get freaky. Consent was…well, secondary. 

Philia 3: What qualities does your OC most value in a friend? Loyalty? Shared sense of humour? Or something else?

Loyalty and sense of humor are major contenders. Please, make her laugh. Make her feel cherished. She’s secretly very soft inside. Please let her lean against your side and just chat with you. The capacity to have easy physical contact alongside the conversation is huge for her. 

Also, sass. Please be sassy. Verbally spar with her. Be kind of a little mischievous bitch. They’re her absolute favorite. If you can channel your goblin energy, you have a place in her life. 

Ludus 5: What seduction techniques are most likely to be effective when it comes to your OC?  Are there some things guaranteed to get them going?  Or are they immune to such things?

Apparently, being a saucy pillow princess will do it. Be a power bottom and you’ll immediately own her heart. /eyes Raphael and Shadowheart. 

Pretty wordplay will absolutely do it. I don’t know if it’s a seduction technique to spar with her, but that would absolutely get her going. Mix some physicality in with the word games. If you touch her hair or stroke her throat while being a flirty little bitch, she’ll chase you to the end of the earth. 

She is not immune to hot voice propaganda. If someone were to come at her swaggering and growling some poetry, she’d positively lose it. It’s a fast way to get climbed or shoved down to the floor and necked hard. 

Pragma 4: After the initial fires of passion cool to some degree, what would keep your OC engaged in a relationship?  Shared goals?  Similar values?  Or contented companionship?

Contented companionship would be what got her through it. To some extent, she genuinely just wants to be with the people she loves and protect them. She’d be perfectly happy to sit in a room and read with her lover. The whole Bhaalspawn thing has made her quite precious about her identity apart from her past and her father, and so if someone genuinely valued her vs. her heritage…it’d go a long way.

Being able to word towards a shared goal and common future would also go a huge way towards her ability to be engaged. Also, if you can provide her some healthy venues for murder so she can get those murder urges out? It’d be very helpful. 

Philautia 1: Does your OC have a healthy sense of their own worth and value?  Or do they see themselves as failing to live up to their original potential? Perhaps they are convinced of their own sinful or inadequate nature?

Both. She has a bit of a breakdown post-canon when she’s in the Fugue. Her past sins have kept her from moving on and robbed her of the potential of ever seeing Shadowheart again. That did some dark things to her psyche. 

However, she understands that she’s worthwhile. Joi is a powerful sorceress and has done some incredible things. However, she does feel inadequate versus the inhabitants of the hells, purely on like…a power scale. It’s driving her to go and level grind in the Abyss to be a greater asset to her partner.

[polyamorouspunk]

i miss being polyamorous so bad it aches. i have a wonderful partner whom i love more than life itself, but. idk. it’s like ever since i fell in love with them, and i fell so hard and so fast, i haven’t been able to feel that way again. all other attraction has sort of dulled in comparison, and i feel like im waiting for another head-over-heels moment to consider another partner, but it hasn’t come and im worried it’ll never come. i love being so in love with my girl, but now i feel like my standards are too high. not to mention they’re super uncomfortable with the idea of me having other romantic partners and if i expressed the idea that i wanted to find other people to them they’d probably be distraught. i love them with everything in me, like genuinely, and i’m so happy and fulfilled. but i also miss being part of a triad. i so prefer polyamory that whenever i think about it now it physically hurts because i miss it so bad, but i feel stuck. i don’t want to ruin my relationship with my partner this way, and besides, i’m happier in triads where everyone’s dating everyone else so there’s less jealousy and issues (at least in my experience) but current partner is strictly monogamous. ughhhh help i feel so stuck and confused

I totally understand how you feel. I was choosing monogamy not because my ex wanted me to but because I just felt so bad about like. Wanting to date someone else. But also I haven’t felt the same about anyone since. I’m lucky enough I finally have someone again who has feelings for me, and wondering what might come up if I find someone in addition to my wonderful partner, and I’m just trying not to worry about it since I hardly have enough time for my current partner as is.

I really think that if you love someone you’re willing to give up some things for them. What those things are might vary though! I was willing to give up being polyamorous for a partner at one time. It probably helped that there wasn’t really anyone else I was seriously interested in. And when they dumped me I was able to move back into feeling like I could be in a polyamorous relationship if I wanted- but I didn’t, and when the person I was saying said they wanted to be in a polyamorous relationship I decided to stop seeing them so they could do that.

If it’s bothering you that much, though, it’s always worth a conversation. Your partner might not suddenly be like “actually I’ve changed my mind and I think I would be fine with you seeing other people”- and that’s okay! That’s their right! But maybe they can emphasize with you feeling torn, and it will help take some of that weight off.